#IM MCLONELY BITCH

[failingfuture]

god why wont the universe let me be happy (cringy rant under the cut, ignore me plz)

this bitch long but this bitch(me) sad so who cares, i just want this somewhere

lets starts

i was with my s.o at the park today, idk how she does it but i feel so much happier around her, its insane rly, but im thankful so yea

of course the lil.... ‘self destruction’ rampage i went on a few days before had followed me here, i had so many bad intrusive thoughts(?) that tried to paint her as some demon, when she isnt, it twisted everything into some personal attack when it wasnt, it was like sudden pains in my body when it happened, and then itd go away, just like that,,

but even so, i tried to keep myself distracted from those thoughts by giving her affection, i kinda hate myself for getting so in her face with it, but she didnt seem to complain so...?

it didnt stop all of it though, we had a moment where we were sorta cuddling and she had her head on my chest facing away from me and suddenly i got so bad, im glad she couldnt see me cuz i choked back tears, but suddenly i decided to say something off the top of my head, “hey schatz” (thats my nickname for her shush) “i just wanted to say that... you make me so happy, you have no idea, i love you” (p sure i said somethin else but thats the main bit)

i think she only thought of it as one of my little random compliments id give, but, to me, this one was more serious, im shocked my voice didnt crack when i tried to say it, soon we went back to silence, i eventually calmed down, or at least ignored the feeling long enough and we did our own thing for a bit

side bit thing: ive been so touchstarved this week, to the point where i can feel it deep in me ;; and sure the quick pecks and me holding her and her hand were nice, it just wasnt enough, and i always wanted more right after (at least i have some form of self control tho, thank fuck)

im not good at receiving affection, and probably never will be with my constant self deprecation, lack of worth, and just being so worried abt what the other is thinking ;; but i want to so bad, i just want to feel happy receiving affection and not feel like its someone taking pity or that i have to give 5x more because i need to ‘earn the right to affection’ or some bull my brain made up

i just want her to hold me out the blue, protecting me from the world in her embrace, but instead of my mind normally trying to think of ways to pay it back, or yelling at myself for probably crushing her with my weight, i just feel at peace for a little while

it doesnt even have to be a special hug; no rubbing circles on my back and arms, no words of encouragement, no sneaky kisses on the head, no this and that

just.

a hug.

and it sounds so lonely to say that, but the most realistic scenario ive ever imagined of us is just,,, that, its just safety and silent forgiveness for all the stupid shit ive done to myself

i could die happy right then and there, shit she could kill me right there and i prob wouldnt bat an eye

ofc ive thought of bringing up the hug thing ((obvi not asking it as desperate sounding)) but like i said, i have trouble knowing when ive ‘earned’ that privilege, or even if i did, i wonder, would she be comfy with some 600 lb pig lying on her, and by the time i can fight off these doubts and ask, its time to go, and im back at square one feeling so lonely again

its,, so exhausting and damaging,, and i hope i bring myself to talking about this with her cuz,, my depressed ass cant keep going like this

i just cant