#IF YOURE READING MY RANTS PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE TO DRAW ROSÉ IN THAT DRESS WAAA

[witchkittymeow]

The father

The son

And the holy spirit (???)

[fearlessinspace]

Summary: Decisions from her dark past are still haunting her. Nonetheless, she did what had to be done.

Note: This is a fic I’ve written for @trekken81‘s Star Trek Music thing, and it’s obviously based on the song Undisclosed Desires by Muse. This is also the first song-based story I’ve ever written in my life, and I’m not even sure if it’ll make any sense to you (dear readers) but this is how I interpreted the song. Enjoy! <3

P.S. this is set a bit after Jim woke up from his “death” in Star Trek: Into Darkness, but before his final speech at the end of the movie (though it’s included, I tweaked it a bit so it fit the story); also keep in mind that Bones’s brows are ambidextrous

Word count: 2338

She received a rather fancy double-door entrance and fortunately no eyes landed on her. Blissful relief came immediately, so instead of just standing in front of the see-through glass doors, she nervously adjusted her dress and took slow and careful steps into the mingling crowd. She smiled up to people who recognized her, content with the fact nobody was making a fuss – mostly because everybody understood the reason behind her actions.

After all, it was an official Starfleet event; it would be out of the question for someone to make a scene. And unbeknownst to her, no one was even temped.

The clicks of her heels, which she did not like but were de rigueur for the night, against the marble floor were muted by the murmurs of the guests, who, as it appeared, split in groups, each group around each golden table. Walking aimlessly in a straight line, she picked up a crystal glass appropriately filled with golden champagne from the waiter’s tray and whispered a polite thank you.

Despite impeccable eyesight, some of the lights were just too bright, her vision blurring after a direct eye contact with one of the massive royal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling.

In the corner of her eye she noticed a group of familiar people and immediately turned for their table. It’s not that she was completely unknown with the rest of the guests – quite the contrary. As an ex-captain, she was familiar with all the current captains, admirals and commanders. It’s just that that group of people – she’d dare to still call them friends. She slowed down as she was nearing the table, noticing that’s she’d unconsciously sped up at the sight of them. She approached with a beaming smile gracing her cheeks and a golden glow mixing with the green in her irises.

“Look at that smile! It’s good to see you again.”

Hikaru was the first to walk up and kiss her cheek, a genuine act of kindness and care towards a very dear friend – one whom he’d known for years and years. Nyota, Scotty and Bones followed, with the same, honest smile, but each with a different light in their eyes.

“How’ve you been doing?” Uhura asked, leaning just lightly on the table, hints of concern in her voice.

Logical. As expected. But not unwelcome.

“I’m fine, I guess. Definitely better than before.”

The moment her smile turned to porcelain, fragile and delicate, but with light cracks on the edges, she could notice that everybody’s eyes turned cloudy, eyebrows raising just slightly, indicating concern.

But it’s when a tall, lean, well-dressed figure appeared behind her, a hand placed in good manner on the middle of her back, and she jumped slightly, frightened by sudden contact, that everybody’s face dropped, concern replaced with a look that screamed what Bones dared to whisper.

“Good god, what the hell is going to happen next?”

Recognizing the familiarity of his scent, the gold in his strands, the softness in his simultaneously steely, yet tired eyes, she was infinitely grateful for placing the champagne glass down on the table before it all even happened. It’s because now, the hand in which the glass was held, was shaking almost uncontrollably.

And she was through with walking on broken glass and spilling blood.

He turned her around, placed his hand just above hers and asked ever so softly, apprehension and desperation laced in the words, his voice so low that only she could’ve heard it, while the rest stood behind, observed, waited for a volcano to erupt.

“Could we go and talk?”

Long before connecting four letters and answering the man, she was busy with letting her brain analyze the situation she was in. In between the shaky arm and gaping mouth, her eyes showed nothing but confusion, the glow from before completely gone.

“Sure.” She muttered, just a bit louder, enough for the three behind her to work it out, which resulted in 5 raised eyebrows and lots of forehead creases.

She turned her head towards her friends one last time before leaving the table with her quondam partner, her lips formed in an etiolated smile.

Their walk from one side of the room to another seemed like it lasted for an entire century – in slow-motion, without words, without any unnecessary stops along the way. She was brought to an empty table in the corner of the room, two glasses of rosé already in place, most probably preordered by the flagship’s captain.

They leaned on the table, in similar positions but with totally different actions; while he clasped his hands together, reaching one third of the table, his sapphire eyes cemented, not moving away from her green ones, she already took a small sip of her wine and was apparently deep in thought, her finger drawing invisible circles on the glass top of the table. Obviously – she was nervous. Visibly – he was worried.

I know you've suffered

But I don't want you to hide

It's cold and loveless

I won't let you be denied

It was due time to break the silence.

“It’s been a while.” He stated, hoping it would be enough for a safe start.

“10 months, 7 days, 19 hours. It’s been quite a long indeed.” She replied, poison in her words, but apparently ineffective on James Kirk.

“Please. I hope you are feeling better than the last time we spoke.” But no effect on her either. “I still have nail marks on my palms. Holding on with a titanium grip is not the most effective way to part.”

He raised his right hand, the back of it shown to her, which inevitably caused a smile to spread wide on her lips.

“You see? You’re better.”

Good. He thought to himself. She’s softened up.

“I still have occasional haunting dream depriving me of a healthy good night’s sleep. Not the best feeling in the world.” She gazed down at her glass, now playing with the rim.

“I can help you with that.”

Instant regret. Bad choice of words.

Her eyes immediately shot up, fire in her irises burning much like the sun, but intertwined with anger. However, after just a moment, it cooled down, the fire replaced by tiredness and slight irritation.

“Dammit, Jim, we’ve already been over this. I don’t want to do this right now.”

She picked up her glass, almost spilling its contents on the pearlescent floor, and stormed off in the direction of the terrace.

James took a moment to stare at her figure waltzing away before following, mind stuck, frozen in place, just a single thought on repeat.

Soothing

I'll make you feel pure

Trust me

You can be sure

“Hey!” He yelled, just a tad louder than he intended, making some of the eyes jump on him for just a second, but quickly dismissed it.

The tinted glass door swished open, revealing a lonely figure leaning on the railing, her bare feet on the ground – heels in one hand, burning cigarette in the other.

Careful not to chase her away or break whatever frail’s left of her, he took slow and conscientious steps towards the young woman, minutes later joining her on the edge.

Not even facing her, afraid of what he might see, he spoke.

“You don’t smoke.”

She exhaled, smoke exiting her lungs through her nostrils, disappearing into the starry night’s sky.

“You know I do. At least when I need to.”

But the idea of her smoking is not what worried him. It was simply the reason behind it.

“I’m sorry. You know I never mean to provoke you.” He said and finally turned to her, his eyes growing sadder as he eyed the tired, tugged-at skin where a smile used to be.

“And you know that we’d talked about all this before. You remember how the people reacted. How everybody reacted when the files got out. You know there’s no going back.”

“I know, I read the files. I read everything you did since you became captain of the Ulysses.” Now, a fiery passion interlaced with anger filled his voice, as it grew louder and more pissed as the sentences passed.

“I know that the U.S.S. Ulysses had an incident near Troyius where seven members of the crew were surrendered to the Klingon Empire under captain’s orders in order to save the rest of the ship and the entire Federation from a possible war with said Klingons. I know that one of the crewmembers was your closest personal friend. I also know that even though the official order was yours, the crewmembers literally begged to be taken away, since there was no other way out. I know everything because I bothered to read past the captain’s orders part. Because I know that you wouldn’t willingly to such a thing. And when I say there’s no way out, that must mean something.”

It’s just when he finished his rant that he noticed her eyes were filling with tears, the whites turning pinkish red and the irises widening significantly. He instantly calmed his temper, just then aware of what emotions he could’ve caused, and moved just slightly towards her. He tried placing a hand on her cheek but it was instantly slapped away.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask

I want to exorcise the demons from your past

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

“Dammit, Jim! I was blamed – and still am – for their deaths. I am guilty nevertheless. I’ve been labelled a tyrant, a killer and a letdown. I’ve had people come up to me, stare into my eyes and blame me for their deaths. And it’s not even because I’m a damn Romulan. I still can’t sleep, I can’t handle simple things. I haven’t spoken to anyone in months, Jim.”

“No, no-“ He tried to stop and console. But it was far too late.

“This is exactly why I asked for space.” Her voice calmed, and dropped almost to a whisper. She let go of her heels and put a free hand to her forehead, trying to cool her heated head down. “If I can’t even handle myself anymore, I couldn’t even try and handle another person. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, Jim.” She pursued her lips, tears in her eyes backing away, but her glare still as hopeless as before.

“I know.” He stepped just a few inches closer, slowly closing in the space between them. “I’ve seen you around. And other people have, too. Most of them are sure that you’re over it, that you stand behind your decision, not proudly, but admirably. To them you don’t look broken at all. But I’m not them.”

He paused to breathe, feeling like he was choking on thin air just by pouring out just what she’d looked like to him all these months. Only to him, it was so obvious just how damaged she was, both externally and internally. He just felt the human need to soothe her and repair what needs repairing. It’s what love makes you do.

He then whispered, their bodies now just a few inches away.

“Please. Remove the mask.”

You trick your lovers

That you're wicked and divine

You may be a sinner

But your innocence is mine

She was so indulged in his words and his eyes that she didn’t even feel his hands on her waist; she didn’t even notice how close he suddenly was.

Please me

Show me how it's done

Tease me

You are the one

A single tear escaped her right eye, but was immediately wiped by the man’s thumb, his hand being left there, caressing the now wet skin on her high cheekbone.

Before he could even ascertain what was going on, her hands bolted to the sides of his jaw and pulled him down to her height, her pair of lips pressing softly onto his own, the pairs soon achieving perfect sync.

Please me

Show me how it's done

Trust me

You are the one

“There will always be those who mean to do us harm. To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves. Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us. But that's not who we are. We are here today to rechristen the U.S.S. Enterprise, and to honor those who lost their lives.”

James made an unplanned pause, causing every present soul to rise their head, faces neutral but eyes bewildered.

James knew what the plan was, but felt the immensely strong need to make an exception. He knew that the entire speech was being broadcasted all over San Francisco.

He was doing what was necessary.

Looking up from his text, he let his eyes roam the sea of officers, exhaling before continuing with his speech.

“Respect is something that’s earned, never taught. Having been captain for almost three years, I’ve truly learned a lot, only from the best. Being captain requires making difficult decisions, ones that either keep life, or take life, for the sake of the greater good. Mutual trust is developed and kept between the captain and the crew and it’s vital for further success. But what’s inevitable is the loss of life. It’s not about the needs of many outweighing the needs of one, it’s about having courage and sense of value of what your actions leave for posterity. And that’s what the seven crewmen of the U.S.S. Ulysses were aware of when they willingly sacrificed their lives in order to keep peace in this part of the galaxy.”

He stopped once more, just to look towards her, elated to once more see a smile on her face.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask

I want to exorcise the demons from your past

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

“Space, the final frontier.”