#I've wasted a lot of time this week doing nothing and i can't bring myself to care all that much

[jedi-bird]

I have decided that today shall be a do nothing day. I'm tired, I still have a headache from yesterday, and quite frankly I need a me day. I did get a bit done. Sorted out some small boxes of stuff into permanent storage, finished watering the plants, found some important papers (blood draw orders and neurologist referral that's been missing plus possibly a copy of my birth certificate that might let me update my ID so we can fly next year). Started washing the cleaning rags and dish towels, but it's a three step process the way I do it so that's an all day thing. Currently waiting for the pain meds to kick in and then I'm going to try to write. House stuff can wait until I have the mental energy to deal with it again.

[notmorbid]

...best american short stories.

dialogue prompts from 100 years of the best american short stories, edited by lorrie moore and heidi pitlor.

death-bed promises should be broken as lightly as they are seriously made.

the dead have no right to lay their clammy fingers upon the living.

if you're going to snore, go to bed!

you look as if you'd seen a ghost or found a gold mine. i don't know which.

i don't expect to marry anybody.

don't ever bet on anything.

i didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and i was gone.

we've suffered like everybody, but on the whole it's a good deal pleasanter.

we were a sort of royalty, almost infallible, with a sort of magic around us.

i should think you'd have had enough of bars.

don't you want a cocktail before dinner?

i want to get to know you.

i don't really need much taking care of anymore.

i don't want you to forget.

have you got a picture of ___?

family quarrels are bitter things. they don't go according to rules.

i was caught in a trap. it wasn't set for me, but it got me all the same.

you wanted a story, so i gave you a good one.

write me a letter. don't forget. i'll be waiting.

my dreams never renege on me. they're all i have to go by.

i don't put the respect on dreams i once did.

are you sure nobody knows where i am?

i don't see why you should ever be afraid of anything.

you know i'd take care of you if anything ever happened, don't you?

don't go away. stay and talk.

you don't have to worry, you know. i wouldn't ever let anything happen to you.

i wish you wouldn't look so unhappy.

i didn't think you saw me. not at first.

how can you get away from anything here?

we're all human on earth.

we couldn't get away from each other if we tried.

i don't want to do a thing from now on till evermore.

sometimes there are about fifteen or twenty minutes in the week when i feel like myself.

i thought it might make you happy. i wanted to make you happy.

and what if they can hear us? who cares?

i thought you were too smart to get hung.

i swear if i'd known what i was doing i would have never hurt you so.

maybe it does some good if you believe it.

i hope you'll remember the things i tried to teach you.

honey, there's a lot that you don't know. but you are going to find it out.

don't you forget what i told you, you hear?

i think people ought to do what they want to do. what else are they alive for?

i can't forget where i've been, and what i've been.

i can't really talk about it. not to you, not to anybody.

don't be a martyr.

with the world in the mess it's in, it's a wonder we can enjoy anything.

if you know who you are, you can go anywhere.

buck up. it won't kill you.

i wish you'd talk to me.

don't you ever want to rest?

i think death is a wonderful thing. i look forward to it.

what tone? i didn't take any tone.

you give everyone too much. that's your trouble.

mad at me, huh?

i don't know why i did it. i'm sorry for it, isn't that enough?

god listened and didn't say yes or no.

you should have gone after them with an ax.

you've been lucky. you always have been.

i bet you're afraid of me.

why aren't you married? you're not ugly. are you gay or something?

how nice. you always try to say the right thing.

you can't seem to keep your mind on one thing for more than a minute at a time.

it's not exactly the kind of thing you can bring up over lunch.

can you keep a secret about what i did today?

i thought when i left, it would just go away.

i want more days like that.

you don't have a heart. there's nothing to love in you.

would you tell me something if i asked you? would you tell me the truth?

other people's dreams are boring.

two salaries and no kids, that's the way to go.

i always seem to miss you.

i don't think i'll ever be dead enough --- or dead long enough --- to get the taste of this life off my teeth.

your optimism always surprises me.

pick on someone your own size.

promise you won't get mad?

i could yell at you, but why waste my breath?

better late than never. i was sure i'd see you someday.

you're a regular whirling dervish.

i don't watch tv. i don't own one.

how do you connect with the rest of the world?

did you like growing up there?

i don't usually say stuff like that.

i've been getting these mixed signals from you. i can't tell if you're attracted to me or not.

you don't have to love me. i love you enough for both of us.

group sex is for teenagers.

i think our hopes are made when we are young, and we can never adjust them to the real world.

how long can you use your parents as an excuse?

a life is like a house. one has to plan carefully where all the furniture will go.

mr. grief and i went a few rounds.

if you think about fear, then you'll be afraid.

i want to be a hero, you know?

you can always trust unhappiness.

i will keep coming until you speak to me.

what brings you here after all these years?

can i hug you? i'd really like to give you a hug.

i worried about you the whole time.

i wanted to be with you all the time.

the moment you fall in love with someone, you are lost.

i had to let you make your own mistakes.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.

[aishangotome]

Roger Barel: Chapter 2

Chapter 1

♡———♡

Roger: ...Ah, last night was quite hot, wasn't it, lil' lady?

(W-Wait... me, with Roger?)

Just imagining what happened in the bed makes my face feel like it's on fire.

Kate: Thank you for bringing me here. I'm sorry for the trouble...

Kate: But, to take advantage of someone who's drunk...

(Of course, it's also my fault for not remembering last night, but even so...)

I glare at Roger a little, unable to bear the embarrassment.

Roger: Sorry to disappoint your indecent expectations, but I didn't sleep with you.

Kate: Of course you didn't, you could easily devour someone as careless as me... Huh?

Kate: You didn't... eat me?

Roger: No. You were completely wasted. The moment Ellis and I carried you to your room, you threw up.

Kate: ...Threw up?

Roger: Yeah, spectacularly.

I freeze, my eyes wide with surprise at the fact that I had made a different kind of embarrassing spectacle than I had thought.

Kate: ...Then why are you here like that?

(And earlier...)

Kate: You said, "Last night was quite hot," didn't you!?

Roger: I was going to leave after seeing you asleep.

Roger: But you wouldn't let go of the hem of my shirt, like you were clinging to your favorite stuffed animal.

Roger: So I had no choice but to sleep here.

Roger: It was a really "hot" night being clung to by you with your high body temperature.

(Um... so, I just got drunk and caused trouble?)

Kate: I'm so sorry...!

I bow deeply on the bed, still wrapped in the sheets.

Roger: ...I knew it.

(Knew it?)

Suddenly, my chin is grabbed, and our eyes meet at close range.

Kate: ...??

Roger: I've been thinking this for a while... you look like a dog.

Kate: A dog?

Roger: You look just like my family's corgi.

Roger: Yapping unnecessarily, digging holes on your own, getting depressed on your own. See, you're just like him.

Kate: What!?

Roger: Haha, let me see your pathetic face. I can't see it because I don't have my glasses on.

Kate: You can just put on your glasses!

Kate: And you're too close! Get away from me, right now!

Roger: I get fired up when people say no or tell me to stop.

As I'm being provoked and yapping like Roger's corgi...

Someone knocks on the door.

Liam's Voice: Kate, are you awake? I made breakfast that's easy to eat even after drinking, won't you eat?

Harrison's Voice: No response. Maybe she's dead in there by now. They say it's dangerous the day after drinking a lot of alcohol.

Liam's Voice: Eh! Kate, Kate, are you alive!?

The voices I heard from outside the door were Liam's and Harrison's.

(They came to check on me because they were worried. B-But...)

I want to open the door right away, but I'm not wearing anything.

And on top of that... Roger is here.

Roger: You're popular even though you've only been here for a week.

Kate: Now is not the time to say that!

(If they see Roger half-naked in the room, what kind of misunderstanding will they have...?)

Liam's Voice: If something happened to Kate, I... Sorry, I'm coming in!

Kate: Ah!

-

Roger: Haha. They saw everything, didn't they, lil' lady?

(...This is the worst.)

I honestly want to forget what happened after the door was opened.

Liam and Harrison froze like statues when they saw me and Roger on the bed, and I spent 30 minutes desperately explaining to them that "nothing happened between us last night."

––Finally, the misunderstanding was cleared up, and we were sitting at the breakfast table.

Roger: I'm glad the misunderstanding was cleared up, lil' lady. Your desperate explanation was adorable.

Kate: ...Whose fault do you think it was that I had to explain myself?

Roger: Now, whose fault could it be? If you know, will you tell me?

(He's so good at arguing back.)

(I want to completely retract my thought that he's a sensible and mature older brother...)

What I realized again is that Roger is a mean, forceful, and quite a bad egoist who treats people like dogs.

But the fact that the fruit sandwich for breakfast still tastes good today, and that I have the energy to argue with him, is definitely thanks to Roger.

(I'm not sure if I'm happy or frustrated, it's a complicated feeling.)

Kate: Huh? Speaking of which, it's rare for everyone to be gathered today.

Elbert: Yeah... Victor called us.

At that moment, light footsteps enter the dining room.

Victor: Good morning! My beloved cursed ones and my Fairytale Keeper!

Harrison: Your voice is too loud.

Victor: The reason I gathered you all today is none other than... I have an important matter to discuss.

(An important matter? I wonder what it is...)

The cheerful Victor has a serious look on his face, which is unusual for him.

Victor: Am I overworking Kate?

Kate: ...Eh?

Victor: I was the one who suggested the Fairytale Keeper role! I was the one who asked her to record Crown's evil deeds!

Victor: But I didn't imagine the burden of recording the evil deeds of nine people. This is a blunder on my part.

Victor: Therefore, we will now hold a competition for the exclusive right to the Fairytale Keeper, yay!

Kate: Fairytale Keeper, exclusive rights... a competition?

Harrison: The story might have been a bit out there, so you might not have been able to follow along.

Harrison: In short, it means you'll become someone's exclusive Fairytale Keeper, right?

Kate: I see. Thank you for the easy-to-understand explanation.

Liam: I want you to be my exclusive Fairytale Keeper. That way, I can always be with Kate, right?

Ellis: If you become my exclusive Fairytale Keeper... would you be happy? If so, then I'll do my best.

Each with their own motives, everyone seemed quite enthusiastic, and they immediately started arguing about what to compete in.

Victor: Ta-da! I made this just in case something like this happened.

(This is...)

Victor: Fair and square, honorable, upright, corruption eradication, an Amidakuji!

As a result of the Amidakuji, the competition was decided to be arm wrestling...

Victor: The winner is Roger Barel!

Roger: Well, that was an obvious result.

Roger: All of you just have superficial muscles. The only one who seemed to have any bone was Ellis.

The tournament, which was supposed to be a competition, turned into a series of matches against Roger, and despite fighting continuously without rest, Roger won every match, achieving a complete victory.

By the way, Jude, who disappeared in the middle of the competiton, lost by default.

Roger: Well then, lil' lady.

Roger: I really wanted to make you my exclusive Fairytale Keeper, you know?

Being looked at with such passion, my heart skips a beat.

(The reason Roger wants me as his exclusive Fairytale Keeper...)

Roger: Organizing materials, assisting with research and investigation... research takes a lot of work.

Roger: It's a situation where I need all the help I can get from my "dog." I'm counting on you, Kate.

(Huh?... Dog?)

Kate: So... you needed a chore boy?

The corners of his mouth lifted into a smirk, clearly confirming it...

(This is the worst...!)

-

Several hours later, in the office, there was Roger with an investigation report in hand, along with Victor and William.

Roger: Victor, this is the result of the analysis of the illegal cannabis components seized during the recent mission you requested.

Victor: Thank you, as expected of Roger. Your quick work is a great help.

Roger: So, would you care to explain why you rigged the arm wrestling match to give me a chance to win?

William: Well, well... see, Victor? Roger is a clever man. It would be in your best interest to confess honestly.

Victor, facing those playfully swaying red eyes, seemed to give in and showed his palm.

Victor: I surrender. I'll confess honestly.

Victor: Actually, I haven't let my guard down against Vogel yet.

Victor: They say they want to deepen our friendship, but they must have some other purpose.

Victor: If they were planning to harm us in any way...

Victor: You know who they would target first,right?

Roger: ...Our cute 'lil Fairytale Keeper.

Victor: Yup. That's why I thought you were the best suited to accompany and protect her.

Victor: You're always calm and you're strong.

Roger: Thanks for the compliment. But in the end, it's up to the person themselves to make the most of their life. There's only so much I can do.

William: So, is the answer no?

Roger: No... I think I'll look after her for a while. I wanted a chore boy anyway, right?

With something hidden behind his words, Roger accepted their proposal.

Roger: Oh, and please transfer the reward for the investigation report later. See you.

The pragmatic man didn't forget to say that as he left.

Victor: Roger is really rational and opportunistic.

William: Vic, putting Vogel aside, you haven't revealed everything you're thinking either, have you?

William: ...What was the "other purpose" for making Roger and Kate work together?

Victor: Roger is a strong person. Not just physically or mentally, but in the sense that he can live on his own.

William: That may be true. He may worry, but I've never seen him lose heart.

Victor: Having a firm sense of self is a wonderful thing.

Victor: But... life is interesting precisely because unpredictable chemical reactions sometimes occur.

William: So you put the two of them together out of curiosity. Ahahaha, you're still a bad man as always.

Victor: You can talk. Besides, you know I'm not a good person, right?

William: Yes, to the core.

-

I became Roger's exclusive Fairytale Keeper, and I was tasked with organizing the underground laboratory he uses.

Kate: I don't think organizing materials is within the scope of a Fairytale Keeper's work.

I glanced sideways at Roger, seeing books scattered everywhere and stacks of paper piled high on the desk.

Roger: A Fairytale Keeper needs to be able to see things from multiple perspectives. Nothing is useless.

--CHOICES--

That's a bit of a stretch...

Am I being taken advantage of?

Maybe you're right.

---------------

Kate: That's true... maybe you're right.

Roger: Your honesty is a virtue.

Kate: What was that?

Roger: Nothing. Come on, let's get to work.

The laboratory was filled with a vast number of medical books, experimental equipment, and chemicals I had never seen before.

(This is amazing...)

Roger was originally a doctor, and even after joining Crown, he still treats injured members.

He continues his research and clinical trials as before, and there are books with difficult-sounding titles lined up.

(...What kind of research is Roger doing?)

As I picked up each book from the towering pile, I returned them to the shelves by subject.

(Let's see, this is anatomy, so... ah, here it is.)

The moment I reached for the shelf, I suddenly felt a presence behind me.

(Huh...?)

What touched my back was a warm, obviously thick chest...

Kate: Roger, just because no one's around doesn't mean you can touch me!

Sandwiched between the bookshelf and Roger, I turned around in a fluster to see Roger with his hand on the top shelf, his eyes narrowed in displeasure.

Roger: Hey, stop treating me like a starving beast, like you did the other day.

Roger: I was just trying to get the book above your head.

(Eh... so it was my misunderstanding?)

Roger: Well... you do look quite tasty, though.

Kate: Huh...?

Roger closed the distance between us, and I gasped.

...But then he moved away.

Roger: Never mind. It seems like it would be troublesome with lingering feelings.

Kate: Lingering feelings?

Roger: Kate, do you think romantic feelings even exist in this world?

Any adult must have thought about love at some point.

But I had never thought about whether it "exists" or not.

Kate: I think there are people who don't fall in love.

Kate: But if you ask me if it exists, I would say it does, wouldn't you?

Roger: That's probably the common answer.

Roger: But I think romantic feelings don't exist in this world.

Roger: What people call romantic feelings are just brain malfunctions or misunderstandings arising from sexual desire.

"Functional Anatomy and Maturation of the Brain" - I couldn't help but recall the title of the book I had just picked up.

(Can love also be explained by brain structure...?)

Kate: But romantic feelings can't be malfunctions or misunderstandings...

Roger: Ah, I can't give you a clear reason for that right now.

Roger: Love is inseparable from human society, yet no one has ever proven it.

Roger: I don't believe in or value anything that can't be proven by science or medicine.

Kate: Um, so that's why you...

Roger: When I do it, it's to relieve sexual desire. So once I do it, that's it.

Roger: No repeats, even if we both agree to it.

Kate: That's... blunt.

(But it's a way of thinking that's typical of Roger, who hates waste.)

Roger: Well, that said, I'll play with you as much as you want if you can handle it.

Roger: Ah, but it'll be a secret from the Crown guys, of course.

His smile, tinged with a hint of seductiveness, made my heart race against my will.

Kate: I'll pass.

Roger: Haha, you're no fun.

Right now, my goal is to finish my job as a Fairytale Keeper safely, and I'm not in the mood for love.

(People falling in love with each other is unpredictable.)

(So there's no such thing as absolute, but...)

I felt that Roger and I would never fall in love...

Yes, right now, finishing my job as a Fairytale Keeper safely is my one and only goal.

That "Fairytale Keeper" job came the day after I became Roger's exclusive storyteller.

An undercover mission to the "Death Party"... that was my first assignment.

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Roger Barel - Chapter 3

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.

[puddingvalkyrie]

Reading massively improved my mental health and I want to talk about it in case it can help others!

Y'all, I think we all need to read more books.

I know I'm an author so I WOULD say that and in fact, I DO say that to children at every opportunity (my dyslexia would be a LOT worse if I hadn't read so much as a kid) but hear me out.

So back in ...March/April I was pretty miserable and it was partly because Norwegian winter will do that to an unprepared foreigner but also because it was the anniversary of The Bad Thing so I felt miserable and alone.

I had no way to really remedy the situation.

But one thing I did do was... Finally crack. See, I'd been DYING to reread my Discworld books, but they are in a different country and I can't afford to go get them or have them sent to me. I have a few paper books here though - I mainly took my fairytale collections, because what did you expect? Actually I guess hardly anyone on Tumblr knows me - Alicia does two things. Vampires. And Fairytales. Didn't bring my vampire encyclopedia, too big and heavy. Anyway.

I have a part time job with an hour on the train each way. I started taking my paper books, my fairytale collections. They were full of short things I could finish easily in a train journey.

Some info. I had managed to sour reading for myself some years previously... I mainly read for research purposes, hardly picking up anything just for the fun of it. PSA: Don't do this. Do not do this. Don't. Do NOT.

And then I reread one of the few paper fiction books I had with me. I enjoy fairytales but they do still fall under 'sort of work' for me. This did not. This was a book I am eagerly awaiting the finale to.

Anyway, I finished it quickly, reading it both on and off the train. You know. For fun. Not just fill time I was stuck somewhere.

Finishing it annoyed me. I wanted more stories. I wanted more than fairytales. And so I cracked. I bought Equal Rites as an ebook. See, I'd previously decided I would not buy anything I already owned in paperback as an ebook because... Well, waste of money, something I don't have enough of. To buy my entire discworld collection in ebook format would cost as much as getting on a plane and bringing my paper ones back.

But just ONE book would be alright, wouldn't it?

So anyway I finished the book.

Of course I'm not going to read just ONE discworld book.

So I carefully ration myself ebooks, making a condition for myself that they are mainly for the train, but I am allowed to read them at home too.

And gradually... The fog lifted. Nothing much has changed besides that I'm reading books regularly again. I still have the same problems that were upsetting me in March. I was also HORRIBLY BURNED OUT until last week. But my mood is MASSIVELY improved. Like, hugely improved. And yeah, yeah, it's summer now, so the weather will have helped also. But I can pinpoint my recovery to when I started reading regularly again. And that is to say that while I was burned out, I wasn't ALSO sad.

So from now on I will be making an effort to keep reading books for fun.

It's kind of crazy that I had stopped for so long. I mean. I write books people are supposed to read for fun. Kinda hypocritical of me to like.. not do that.

I think maybe I have created this problem for myself with many of my hobbies. I tried to make drawing into a business, tried to do too much too fast, and since then I've barely drawn. I love cartoons so I watch them in Norwegian to help me learn - means I was never just relaxing while watching a cartoon for a few years. Recently started just watching cartoons in English/Japanese if I darn well feel like it.

...enough tangent, back to Why Reading Is Good.

Don't quote me on this, I am just scribbling down thoughts I've been meaning to write down for a month, therefore, am too lazy to track down any sources, but I'm pretty sure reading books is actually scientifically proven to help your brain?? I seem to remember reading your hippocampus shrinks if you don't exercise your brain enough and reading long stories does that. And a shrinking hippocampus causes depression?? I don't know anything much about brains and psychology so I must have read that somewhere.

I think a hippocampus is also like... A horse mermaid.

Again, no source, might be thinking of something from Mermaid Melody.

I'mma go read more of my current book now. It's a history book this time.

Yay books!

[vincent-marie]

I'm Queer and I'm Voting

This morning I woke up feeling like crap. Right now I feel too depressed to wanna wash the dishes, even though I've got a gross greasy pan that needs cleaning.

But I woke up with this lingering feeling of pure contempt for those who would actively discourage voting, or encourage throwing one's vote away to a third-party traitor like Jill Stein.

We've been going on about why Project 2025 is bad for a reason. If it passes then this might very well be the last real election we actually participate in. It disgusts me that at a time when this could be our very last shot, that people could think about wasting it.

Early voting in my district starts on Saturday; you can bet I'm gonna go to my voting place bright and early to beat Election Day traffic, and then reward myself with a latte right afterwards. And even then I'll have to wait another week and a half to find out what comes next.

This election season I've been trying my damnedest to take care of myself, to focus on the things that bring me joy like my current fixations for GRAVITY FALLS and for Eda Clawthorne.

But this morning it just occurred to me; we as a society have fought long and hard for the notion of queer relationships to be normalized in children's media like THE OWL HOUSE. Disney corporate fought hard to try kill the show because they cared more about catering to the Bible bethumping fundamentalists, but the creative team still managed to tell their story.

Before that there was STEVEN UNIVERSE. That show had a lot of scheduling and releasing problems because, again, corporate wanted to kill the Big Gay Female-Led Gem Show. But Rebecca Sugar and company still did it.

I first learned about homosexuality in the late '90s. Back then the idea of children's shows featuring gay, trans or nonbinary characters would've been unthinkable, because queer folk were just expected to stay out of sight and shut the hell up.

But now we live in a time after gay marriage had finally been legalized nationwide for the first time. Asexuality is acknowledged as an orientation and not some kind of mental or sexual dysfunction.

We've fought and worked so hard to get to where we are now, and after the Reagan Administration had attempted to wipe us out through negligence during the AIDS epidemic.

And it genuinely disgusts me that there are people who claim to be progressive, who would gladly destroy everything that we've accomplished for ourselves, seemingly because of how our government is handling the attacks on Gaza.

We in the queer community WANT our politicians to do more to stop Israel's government, but we can't when we're literally fighting for our own lives in our own country. Gender-affirming care will be outlawed, hate-crime will go even further up, and people who don't already have support systems and require the services of community efforts will be left with nothing.

Remember that in the last few years there have been local fascistic efforts to ban any kind of queer literature from libraries because the mere suggestion that being straight isn't one's only option is "pornographic" to the fascists. Even if you're not into reading, your favorite big gay cartoon shows will be wrongfully labeled as "pornographic," thereby becoming illegal, thereby they will not only be taken down from streaming services, they could be wiped out altogether.

And the knowledge that there are people out there who would let this all happen, all for some nebulous, unrealistic moral ideal that they want impose on others, but not hold up themselves. I wouldn't call them cowards, because even cowards can act on survival instincts. These people are just fascists by another name.

I'm trying not to be pessimistic about the outcome of the election, I'm trying not to have a doomerist mindset about it, but I couldn't shake off this dread that I've been feeling all morning. I'm finding myself reliving the grief and trauma I felt back in November 2016. Pure helplessness, like my soul was physically leaving my body. I feel numb. Activities that made me happy have done nothing for me. I'm having a hard time just enjoying THE OWL HOUSE because it might very well be my last chance.

But I'm still gonna get out there and vote blue all the way through. I'm not going down without a fight. I'm going to make my voice heard.

To quote a couple of my favorite pieces of media, I am not throwing away my shot, and us weirdos have to stick together.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[olsenmyolsen]

Olsen II

Part 16 of On The Inside With Elizabeth Olsen

Word Count: ~6.5K

masterlist

 ⚠️ SPOILERS FOR MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS ⚠️

Y/N POV

I grumble myself awake and shut off my 5am alarm.

I haven't woken up this early in years but today, Monday, is special. It's Liz's last week in London! So I wanted to send her a special text this morning.

Yes, it's now been three weeks since Liz and I made our relationship official! Yes, I know we immediately became girlfriends after saying we'd take things slow. Oh well.

The only people that know are Max, James, Sam, Robbie, Ash, and MK. I probably would've told my mom by now if our relationship had been in a better place.

Less than a week ago, I finally called her back after dodging her calls, and the call went exactly how I predicted.

It started with the usual catching up on life kind of bullshit, and that was great before it devolved into a series of "why aren't you going back to school?" "Do you honestly think you can be happy and successful without a degree?" "You're way too pretty and smart. I'd hate to see you waste the opportunities I gave you." Then, money this and money that.

So it's a safe bet I won't be making calls home soon. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. I do! But it's just... I wish we had the relationship we used to have. Yes, she did a great job as a mom throughout my life but after what my dad did to the two of us... you know it's not the same as it was.

Anyways, the rest of the world has yet to know about Liz and I, of course, but that hasn't changed anything. The media has slowed down on the articles about MK and her secret lover. I keep getting photographed but less and less. Not that it was a lot, to begin with, but I'm thankful not to have random people take pictures of me.

I know this will change once Liz and I are out. But for now, I'm enjoying it.

Liz and I have been FaceTiming or attempting to FaceTime every night after 5pm my time. We tried 4pm for a while, but that left me virtually no time to get home after work. We still have some days where Liz can't call, but we still text!

Our calls tend to mostly be about my days, my friends, plans for what to do when Liz gets back, and more. I ask Liz about her day, but she doesn't spill much. Nothing cagey, just in a same old same old kind of way.

She gives me the vaguest details about the movie. A part of me wants to know what's going to happen in the film so bad, but Liz tells me it'll spoil the MCU, and she's right because, of course, she's right. Plus, she warns me that Kevin Feige has eyes and ears everywhere. You would think this guy is a mob boss or something.

We also talk about her sisters. Liz has started trying to talk to them on a weekly basis, although, accordingly to Liz, MK has been more MIA lately.

I know why.

A couple of days after MK left my place, I told Liz how MK got Naomi to sign the papers. To say Liz was displeased would be an understatement.

I don't know how I did it, but I got Liz not to hulk out at her sister and to let me handle the situation. But the truth behind that is... MK technically hasn't spoken to me since that day.

That's not to say I haven't tried. I texted MK the night she left.

I told her that I've grown fond of the person she is. She's caring, kind, and nothing but supportive. I apologized for getting mad at her. I told her that I support her and genuinely want what is best for her. I let her know that I will be here for her no matter what because I know she will be here for me.

Or at least, I hope.

I also texted her that I love her as well. I love the person she is.

That does not mean I love her as more than a friend.

She read all those texts but hasn't responded to me personally. She texts in the group chat with Ash and myself, but it's never directly to me.

Since returning to LA, Ash has seemed to notice that something is off. We've briefly talked a couple of times, but I can't bring myself to tell anyone the true reason. I feel like Ash knows but is letting it be.

In other news, James, Max's brother, finally left after another week of mooching off his sister. Just kidding but for real, he up and left for California. I know Max has some family out there, but I'm not sure if James went to them or not. But for the next two days after he landed, every single picture he posted included #JamesGoesWest.

I knew he was teasing because of Liz's and mines relationship. Speaking more on that! I went back and finished Wind River. I legit had to skip through that one scene. But overall, I loved the movie! Men are gross, and Liz played her role perfectly. The chemistry she had with Jeremy Renner was incredible. I'd like to see them do more together.

But if we're talking natural chemistry, all I can say is... I never wanted to be Aubrey Plaza more in my life than during the press tour of Ingrid Goes West. Yes, I've seen the YouTube videos, interviews, and photo shoots. I now know I was never Liz's "first." I mean, yes, I knew that already from the night Liz and I had at her place, but now I'm full-on convinced her and Aubrey were more than friends at some point.

Liz knows I watched those two movie and will be watching all of her MCU movies, but she's begged me not to watch a film she did called Oldboy. I looked up the synopsis, and it seems interesting, but Liz is adamant about me not seeing it.

Speaking of the MCU and their movies, this week is finally Avengers week! Out of everything I watched, Captain America and Iron Man 2 are my favorites. Captain America because I loved the story and Bucky so much. And Iron Man 2 for... Natasha. I'm sorry, but I never wanted to be a heavy-set white man more than when she took down Happy.

Lizard knows of my newfound obsession with Scarlett Johansson, and let's just say we starting banning a few words. The first time I mentioned how sexy I thought Natasha looked, I could instantly tell something had shifted. Liz didn't say anything at first. She just sat quietly on the other side of the phone, watching me like I was her prey. She had her jaw clenched so tight I thought teeth were going to break, and then out of the blue, Liz was tired and had to get to bed.

The call ended shortly after that leaving me confused until my dumb brain realized why. I called her back and made it up to her in a memorable way.

A few words that aren't banned are "Mommy." "Yes." & "Please." Liz and I have done a fantastic job trading those off.

Sam is good! Max and I have gone out with her and her friends a couple of times, nothing too crazy, thankfully. Max and I have also started exercising together again. Not daily, but we've been trying for three times a week. It's usually before work, but other times it's once Liz and I finish FaceTiming.

Work is still good. Alec is good. All in all, everything is going well. Liz wraps filming this Friday, so I can't wait to have her in my arms!

Speaking of which, I have to text her.

Liz POV

It's now been three weeks since Y/N and I made our relationship official! Yes, I know we immediately became girlfriends after saying we'd take things slow. Oh well.

I love Y/N so fucking much, but FaceTiming every night gets tiring. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her cute freckled face, but there are times when I'm just so exhausted from shooting that I can't bring myself to answer a FaceTime call. But luckily for me, I have an understanding and supportive girlfriend.

Girlfriend. That's a word I don't think I will get tired of saying.

Speaking on that, I told my girlfriend that filming wraps on Friday. It doesn't. It wraps today. I plan on flying out first thing tomorrow morning to surprise her! Max already knows and plans on picking me up from the airport. I got her number from MK. I know, ooh, sneaky, but it's the things you do for love.

I'm incredibly excited to see how the world reacts to this movie. I acted my heart out, and I know when I walk on set today, I'm going to cry. I've always finished these movies not knowing what was next for Wanda, but when Sam yells "cut" for the final time, I know it will feel like the last time.

I've been talking to my sisters about the motions I've been going through, and Ash has been kind enough to try and speak to me about it. Meanwhile, MK can barely get a sentence together. I'm not mad at her for what she did with Naomi. I mean, yes, I was. But not anymore, so I don't know why she's being weird about us.

In addition to my sisters, I have also been texting someone else. Someone that knows about Y/N. But someone that Y/N doesn't know about herself.

Wanda's other half. Actor for the Vision. Mr. Paul Bettany.

I missed him. I missed being on set with him. I missed hearing him laugh at the stupid things I'd say. I missed hearing him talk about his wife non-stop. He's truly a lifelong friend that I'm so thankful to have met at such a crucial moment in my life.

That's a feeling that I have for Y/N. She came to me at just the right moment. I know that I won't let her go.

Over the course of filming, Paul and I would send check-in texts here and there, but our conversations didn't become something quite serious until the articles about me leaving the Doctor Strange set came out. That's when Paul said he knew something was wrong. Since I'm never one to "create drama" or "be a total bitch."

Paul texted me that Easter Sunday. A day before, I met Y/N. Paul was actually the first one to know the news about Robbie and I. He loves Robbie, so for him to hear everything broke him a little, but Paul helped me as much as he could. Or as much as I was willing to let him. He promised that everything we discussed would stay between us because we all know. Snitches end up in ditches!

Paul was also the one to tell me to get my shit together and to send coffee and treats to the NY Marvel team if I wanted to keep people happy.

I guess I have Paul to thank for Y/N. Oh God, I can't let that get to his head.

Speaking of Paul and Vision. My Coffee Girl has been continuing her journey of watching the MCU. I think tonight is Avengers night. I think she has some hope I'm going to show up in this one, but sadly I don't. I'm sure Y/N won't really mind since she has Scarlett and her Black Widow ass to look at all movie.

I know that's not nice and unfair to Scarlett, but I don't like Y/N having her eyes on someone else.

I made that very clear the other night.

Over the last couple of weeks, in addition to filming, FaceTiming, and keeping me and my girlfriend satisfied, I started emptying out the Richmond house. Like I did with my trailer, I started small but quickly moved on to bigger things.

I sent Robbie back a lot of the things he left behind. I donated some of my stuff but kept the tiniest of things that remind me of the good times I had while here. After today the house will no longer be ours. That is if I actually did remember to grab everything?

Uh, speaking of Robbie. He's doing so well, and I'm so proud of him. He's been doing AA meetings once a week. Every week I send him a text just letting him know that he's in my thoughts, and I wish him luck. He sends me a text back, basically saying the same thing.

Thankfully the media isn't dragging Robbie through the mud just because he's trying to better his life. I think back to how they treated my sisters, and it makes me sick. If I could have the opposite for Robbie, I'll do it.

Robbie doesn't ask about Y/N; instead, he asks me, "are you happy?" The answer has always been "yes." Robbie's response is always the same "then I'm happy."

I got lucky with an ex like him, huh?

It's almost 10am, and I finally have the finishing touches to my look for today's scene. 838 Wanda comforting Darkhold Scarlet Witch. How fitting that my last day is me letting myself know that it's going to be okay. That our boys will be okay.

Oh, I'm getting depressed just thinking about it.

"Lizzie, you ready?" A member of the makeup team looks me over and waits for my response. I nod and go to get up before my phone stops me. I take a quick glance. Is that really who I think it is?

"Just give me a minute." I turn to the crew they nod, heading out of my trailer.

Y/N POV

Annnnddd sent! I smile down at my phone. The text wasn't anything too crazy special. Let's not forget I just woke up.

The text was just myself reminding Liz that I'm lucky to have her. That I'm so thankful to have someone caring and loving chose me to be the person that they love. That someone with her wits and beauty makes me smile and feel the support that I feel. And I can't wait to be able to hold her and to kiss that gorgeous face. To be able to physically look into her eyes. The eyes that make me smile. The eyes that make me feel safe. The eyes that are the literal definition of: If looks could kill.

I could've gone on and on with my text, but I have to save something for when she's here at the end of the week. I close my phone out, knowing she'll probably read it when she gets back from filming, meaning I can go back to sleep before getting up for my shift later today.

I turn over and close my eyes. Letting tiredness take me over once ag-

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

I peek one of my eyes open as I grab my phone. It can't be Liz. She should be- Oh! It is Liz! She's calling me! I clear my throat and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

Liz POV

"Just who do you think you are, Ms. Y/N Y/L/N! Sending a cute ass text like that. You're supposed to be sleeping!"

Y/N: "You're supposed to be filming!"

She fires back in that voice that's just so sexy in the early morning.

"I was about to step out of my trailer when my girlfriend decided to send me the most simp-filled text ever."

I can practically hear her eyes rolling.

"Why aren't you asleep right now."

Y: "I set an alarm to text you. Since I know it's your last week of filming, I just wanted to try and make it extra special for you."

My heart.

I move around the trailer like a teenager on the phone with their first crush.

Y: "I mean, if you don't like it-"

"Stop! You know I love it!" There's a pause. "Are you going to do this for every film I do?" Y/N's laugh fills my ears.

Y: "Hell yeah. I'd give you the world if I could."

"You already did that."

I hear Y/N yawn before asking, "what do you mean?"

"Because you're my world!"

Y/N POV

This fucking cheese ball, I swear. I roll my eyes again.

"I think I hear Mr. Raimi calling you to set Olsen. I wouldn't want to get in trouble or anything."

Liz lets out a small laugh.

Liz: "Oh, weird, I don't hear him?"

Y: "Hmm, that's so weird. What's happening? Hearing loss at your age already, Liz?"

I know her jaw dropped.

L: "Okay, wow fuck you, Y/L/N."

"You wish, Liz!"

L: "You know wh- one sec."

I hear Liz pulls her phone away from her ear as a series of knocks are happening nearby her. They must need her on set.

I don't know who she's talking to, but she assures them she'll be right out.

L: "Hey babe, I gotta go."

"I figured. Have a great day today! Can I call you on my break? Oh, and I can't wait to see you at the end of this week!"

L: "Of course, and I can't either!" I can practically picture her biting her thumbnail as she says this: "I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too, Lizard! Now go be a movie star!"

Liz giggles as she ends the call. Leaving me awake, alone, and horny?

No? Yes? I don't know.

I flip over onto my stomach and groan into my pillow. I really don't want to be up already. After a minute of feeling my body wake up, I decide to fuck it.

I throw my comforter off my body and go into my bathroom. I flick on the light and look at myself in the mirror. I think about when I did this not so long ago. I stared at myself before my date with Liz. It was the first time I looked at my own face with love instead of disgust. I do the same thing now. I smile at the person looking back at me.

I reach down and pull my toothbrush from its holder. Put a small glob of toothpaste, rinse and get to the brushing. Morning breath is one of my least favorite things. Or at least it quickly has been. Okay, I don't want breath to ever smell in the presence of Liz, okay? I'd die.

After my morning routine, I slip off my underwear and oversized t-shirt in favor of a classic workout outfit. Nothing crazy this morning, just a morning jog. It's now approaching 5:30, so it should still be quiet outside.

I reach my front door and drop down to tie on my old sneakers. They're a pair that I've had for years. I don't even remember how I got them or who gave them to me, but they probably know more about me than I do about myself.

Okay, now I sound crazy—time to run. I put my AirPods in, queue up whatever playlist Spotify curated for me and leave my place.

Liz POV

I did it! "That's a wrap on Elizabeth Olsen!" Sam Raimi yells into a bullhorn earning applause from the cast and crew that surround us.

I clap along, stopping whenever I feel a tear start to escape my eyes. Cumberbatch wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a side hug before whispering into the top of my head, earning a smile and a laugh from me.

Sam walks up to me, and I instantly find myself wrapped up into a hug. I almost feel my eyes betray me, but I stop the dam from breaking. Sam leans into me and asks, "do you want to say a few words?"

This is something I haven't really ever done. Usually, I'm in such a considerable ensemble of a movie that who cares what the 9th billed person has to say, but this is my movie. So why not?

I nod at Sam and grab the bullhorn.

"First off, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone here. All of you truly have made this experience so beautiful and lovely." I bite my lower lip before continuing.

"When we were about to go back to finishing WandaVision, I was pitched the actual story of the Doctor Strange sequel, and I was shocked!" I throw my arms out in a charismatic manner. "No one told me that their plan for me was to be the villain!" This earns a few laughs from the crew and myself. "You know? But it's like yeah! Why does Wanda have to settle for being good when all that she wants is something that seems so small and simple, which is for her to be with her kids."

I look over at Sam, smiling. He's a real Wanda stan this man. He and I had so much fun bouncing ideas off one another and relishing in the character of Wanda.

"But you know I love Wanda Maximoff, and I feel honored to have played her for the last 7 to 8 years and to collaborate with such kind and caring people. I truly do." I feel a tear slip out and run down my cheek. "And if this is the end for her, then I'm glad that... that I gave it my all." I want to say more, but I can feel my throat choking back tears. Plus, when I look up, it's all of these people watching me. "So thank you. Thank you all!" I frown to hold back my emotions as Sam wraps me into another hug. He gently takes the bullhorn from me and announces, "give it up for our witch, everybody!" Earning another wave of claps.

Y/N POV

It's now just past 9am for me as I enter our coffee shop. Busy. It's finally starting to heat up around here, which means it's time for all the cool kids and soccer moms to start ordering frozen drinks. My least favorite. It's not hard to make. It's just annoying.

I smile once I see the two people I'm going to work with. Sam and Alec. Sam greets me as I put my stuff into the back. "I promise you it was not this busy until like 20 minutes ago." I shrug. "Happens." Sam noticed. "You good?" We make our way back to the front employee area so I can clock in. "Yeah, just tired. I woke up super early and decided to get a run in." "Ew." "Trust me, I know." I scoot past Alec and clock in. I say hi to him, but he awkwardly avoids me. Okay weird.

"Excuse me?" A customer knocks me from my own brain. Male. He has to be in his late thirties with tattoos down his arms. "Hello, sir. What can we get started for you?" The man looks at the boards stationed above and behind me. "What kind of frozen drinks do you have?" Yep, it's going to be a long day. I must've made a face because I can hear Sam laugh in my direction.

Liz POV

I sigh after getting my suitcase settled into my hotel room for the night. After leaving the sound stages today, I made my way to Richmond to do one last look-over of the house. Go figure; nothing was left for me to take or do. So mark another one for overthinking and having anxiety. But eh, oh well.

It's now just after 6pm for me. If she hasn't had her break, my Coffee Girl will have one soon - speak of the Devil! As if it's her superpower, she is now FaceTiming me.

I throw my back onto the bed and answer my phone.

She's walking to the back room of the shop. She sits in the same place every time we talk on her break. I think it's adorable. I think she's really cute. And by cute, I mean hot.

Okay, dial it back, Lizzie.

She has the camera below her right now, so I'm looking up to her neck. It looks like she has a coffee ground stained onto her neck. How she did that, I have no idea. I smile as I look at it. Imagine how long it's been there. My eyes move down her throat, and I stop at every tiny freckle and mole I see.

"Whatcha doing, love?" Oh shit, just because I can't see her doesn't mean she can't see me.

"Looking at my love!" "Oh yeah?" She moves the camera up, so I can see her beautiful face as she sits down. My girlfriend smiles back at me before her face becomes horrified. "Oh my God!" The alarms in my brain start going off. "What? What's wrong!" She begins wiping at her neck. "Why did you not tell me that was there!" Oh my gosh. Really Y/N? "I just saw that! Besides, I thought it was cute." I flare my eyebrows up, causing her to do it back.

"So, how was today?" She starts. The gears start moving. I really want to tell Y/N all about the end of the shoot, but that'll ruin my surprise. Okay, quick, Liz think.

"It was good! Really good! But I'm not giving you anything, and you know this!" She rolls her eyes. "I know. I just can't wait."

"Isn't Avengers tonight?" I ask, slightly changing the topic. "Tomorrow night. Max is busy tonight. I think it's with Flirty, but I'm not sure. She's been being a little cagey lately." Y/N shrugs and looks up to something. Maybe one of her co-workers. "What will you do tonight?" I ask with a slight frown. "Probably watch one of your movies." She states matter of factly and looks down, grinning before taking a sip of her tea. Wait tea? She never drinks tea.

"Tea?!" She looks at me wide-eyed and embarrassed. "Yeah..." "Since when are you a tea drinker?" "Since I watched a YouTube video about how Elizabeth Olsen loves tea and how she has a whole cabinet dedicated to tea packets." I blush. I love and hate that she watches videos of me because it's the cutest thing ever, but I'm afraid she'll find a video of me doing something dumb and judge me. I know she wouldn't, but a girl can stress, can't she?

"Liz." She pulls me out of my small spiral. "Hmm?" "You know I'm only doing it because I love you. And I want to love the things you love." I smile. "I know." I scrunch my nose up at her. Now she blushes and shakes her head. "What you thinking about?" "Just how lucky I am." She makes sure her eyes are on me. "I meant my text this morning. Every word." "I know, baby."

Now I'm the one watching her, getting lost in thought. We sit admiring each other. Eyes filled with admiration. "My turn, Lizard. Whatcha thinking about?" I use to hate the nickname Lizard, but when she says it, it makes me feel safe. "Tomorrow." "Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?" My body tenses up. Oh shit. I didn't mean to say that! What's tomorrow? Uhhh...

Before I can even come up with a horrible lie, Y/N unknowingly saves me. "Let me guess, secret marvel stuff?" I nod. "You got it, Y/L/N." "Ugh, boorrinnggg." She dramatically sings out. "You'll just have it wait and see." "Yeah yeah." She smiles at me before looking up at her phone. I know she's checking the time. Before she frowns, I do. I know what this means.

"Liz, come on." What?" "I see you pouting." Well, duh, I want you off the clock, Y/N. "Can't you just quit?" Y/N raises an eyebrow to me. "After the phone call, I just had with my mom?"

I'm not asking her to quit, but yes leaving her job would almost certainly make her mom explode. Yeah, Y/N told me everything that happened. That was a rough night for her.

"You're right." "Always am." I scoff. "Not true. You know it goes me, Max, and then you." She puts a hand over her heart and gasps. "Betrayed."

"Y/N, you almost don- oh, sorry." Y/N looks up to the person talking to her. Sounds like Sam? I've only ever overheard Sam, never met her. Y/N said she knows about us and has kept her lifelong mission to protect our secret. She must've noticed Y/N was on the phone still. "Just one second."

Y/N looks back down at me. "I know. I know." I exhale out, not wanting her to go. "Don't worry, love. I'll text you when I get home, okay?" "Okay" "Just a couple more days, and then I finally have you in my arms again," I smirk. "You have no idea."

"Later, Liz!"

"See you soon, Y/N!"

She blows me a kiss before hanging up. I hold my hand with the caught kiss still in it.

"I love you, Coffee Girl."

Y/N POV

"Was that who I think it was?" Sam asks me as I come back to the bare-bones shop. I look at her. "Always is." "Wow." I can see her getting lost in thought, and she looks at me before she's completely gone. "Sorry." "With you? I'm used to it."

We both start to clean behind the bar while Alec takes care of the dining area. "When do you think you'll go public?" Sam asks, just quiet enough for only us to hear it. "Not for a while," I answer in the same manner. "Why are tabloids looking for a scoop?" I raise my eyebrow at her just to watch the panic in her eyes.

"Oh my god Y/N! No, I was just genuinely asking! I'm sorry for making you thin-" "Sam. Sam! I'm just kidding. I'm sorry." I start laughing. I know I shouldn't, but she makes it fun and easy. Sam catches her breath. "I should leak it after that." She grumbles. I walk over to her and pull her into a side hug. "I'm sorry, blueberry." "I still hate that name." "No, you don't," I say, letting go of her. I don't think she meant for me to hear it, but she mumbles, "No, I don't."

_

I text Liz letting her know that I should be home within the hour. I'm literally right outside my building, but I'm giving myself enough time to take a shower and get dressed comfy cozy before I round up whatever I can for dinner. Liz promised me to take me grocery shopping and to cook for me, so I'm honestly holding out for that.

I enter my apartment and smile at the state of it. Over the course of the weeks, I've gotten in a couple of movie posters and art from Etsy of things that I forgot I loved. Plus, I got some journals to start writing in again. It's looking more like home. All that's missing is some finishing touches.

I skip through my place and peel off todays clothes, tossing them into my dirty hamper. I grab a set of sweats to wear after my shower and charge into the bathroom. As I let the hot water get the bathroom just right, I play on my phone, watching TikTok. After two minutes, I close the app out and load some music to blast while I get myself clean.

_

As soon as I wrap my large green towel around me, I check my phone after I heard it go off in the shower. I smile at the sight of Liz but frown as I read her text.

"Yay! Glad, you made it home, love. So I'm not going to beat around the bush, Y/N. I just got informed that I have to go extra early tomorrow. Since it's the last week, I want to do it and get this done, so is it okay if we don't call tonight? I'm probably going to be going to bed soon, but I won't sleep until I get a text from you. I'm sorry, my love. 💛"

It's just a couple of more days, Y/N. You got this. Be a supportive girlfriend.

I text Liz back, saying that it's okay and that I love her so much and for her to please call me in the morning so I can hear her angelic voice.

_

I huff at how skim my fridge is looking. I decide to snack on a bowl of grapes before finding myself in front of my tv. I open my notes app and look at a list I made recently. Called: 🎥 My little star 💫

It's a list of all of Liz's movies, excluding the MCU. Not knowing what to watch, I text Max knowing she'll know what's good to watch.

Mad ❤️‍🔥 Max Today 4:31 PM

Godzilla or  Silent House?

I close out our texts and open an app called JustWatch. It's an app where you can search for any movie you want and see what platform it's on. It's great for someone like me who is catching up on a lot of movies. It looks like Godzilla is on Netflix, while the other movie I'd have to rent. This makes my choice a little easier.

I text Max back, letting her know I decided, and she sends me a thumbs up. Yeah, she's busy. She only uses emojis when her hands are occupied.

I open Netflix on my tv, and after a quick search, I see him, that giant Lizard. Hey Lizard! My lizard's in a lizard movie! I chuckle to myself and go to play the movie before my phone buzzes.

I look down expecting Liz again, but to my shock, it's Mary-Kate. The breath that I took sent a green grape flying to the back of my throat, causing me to stand up, gasping for air as I managed to swallow the whole ass grape. "Jesus fucking Christ!" I yell out, gripping my neck.

After collecting myself, I bring myself back to my phone to open and look at the text that nearly killed me.

"Hey. Can we talk?"

Vague. Of course.

I let the message sit there as I think about the last couple of weeks.

I text her.

"Yes. Of course. My place?"

She agrees and tells me she'll be around in the next half hour. Someone's eager! Okay, sorry, not the time.

I should text Liz, but she has an early start tomorrow, and I don't want to stress her out. Plus. I want to hear what MK has to say before I do anything. I put my phone down and continue the movie. I need a distraction.

_

Okay, what the fuck? Where's my girl? I saw her once so far, and that's it?

A knock comes to my door just in time. I let out a frustrated sigh and pause the movie. I hop up, suspecting who it is, and open the door. Yep, it's MK.

"Hey," I told myself, I'd treat her like a friend and like nothing happened. I usher for her to come in, and she follows me. I close the door behind us. I catch her eyes and take a look at my tv.

I see a smile creep onto her face. "What's that look for?" I ask in a teasing tone. "Just... you're a simp now." She points to the tv, causing us to both laugh, breaking the tension around us. "Yeah, I am." I agree.

"Do you need a drink or anything? Water? Tea?" "Tea? You don't drink tea." "It's new." I simply state as I walk into the kitchen to fill up a cup of water. "Maybe next time." Oh, so there is going to be a next time!? So friends, maybe?

I come back and place the water in front of her. She reaches over and takes a sip as I sit on the other end of the couch. I can see how nervous she is just in her hands. She keeps fidgeting and wiping them off. I don't know if I should do this, but...

I scoot myself closer to her and take her hands into my own. "It's okay." MK shakes her head at me. "No, it's not. I almost ruined everything." "MK, no, you didn't." "Y/N, I went behind your back and-" "And you did something great for Liz and me. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. I just hate the thought of anyone I know ever contacting her. I just didn't want anything to happen to you." MK goes quiet as I continue running my thumbs over her knuckles.

"Thank you," I whisper out to her. "I missed you," I add on. I watch MK's eyes look up before she darts them away, looking around the room. She's trying. "You added some things." I look around with her. "Yeah. It was missing some things."

I feel her eyes back on me, so I turn my head to face her. "I missed you too." I smile to her, and she returns one back. "Can I hug you?" She asks me. "Come here." I open my arms up to her, and she rushes in. She squeezes me tight, and I know it's all her worries, and apologizes leaving her body. "Thank you." She says into my neck.

"You're always welcome."

We pull apart from one another and just sit hand in hand. "Do you have plans tonight?" I ask, not knowing what to do now. "I thought this conversation was going to go on a lot longer, so no, I don't." She laughs. "Take out?" I suggest.

MK bites her lip and nods. "I'd like that." I go to get up, but she stops me. "Friends?" She asks. I give her a look because I thought the answer was obvious. "Friends." I give her a quick hug. "How about you pick the food tonight since we're at my place," I suggest. "Whatever I want?" "As long as it's not poisoned." "Damn it," She giggles as I get up and make myself tea.

As I finish up my tea, a series of knocks interrupts the calm silence MK, and I had going.

"Am I crazy, or is that the food?" "Not me." MK looks at me with a worried look. That's a little concerning.

I walk up to the door. "Hello?"

I get a muffled "hello, Y/N!" back.

Fuck I know that voice.

MK must have noticed my dejected face and body language. "Who's that?" "You'll see." I watch her give me a confused look before holding my hand up, telling her it'll be okay. I hope.

I open the door, and in the most monotone voice I can manage, I speak up. "Hello, mother."

Part 17

[roo-bastmoon]

Qobuz & ARMY Conduct in Solo Era

We know we need to buy Like Crazy and Face more to help Jimin avoid free fall on the charts this week. Scroll down to learn how to buy on Qobuz if you haven't already.

It's my understanding that sales count for Billboard charts if you use 1 credit card per digital purchase, 1 credit card for up to 4 physical purchases. Whether or not you can use the same email address is up to each site (BTS US store yes, iTunes no).

Speaking only for myself, for digital purchases, I've made 6 iTunes accounts and bought the singles and albums (and alterative versions) there; I've also purchased all digital versions on Amazon Music and WeVerse and bought Like Crazy off a Stationhead listening party. For physical copies, I have purchased both albums each from Amazon, Target, and Weverse. For all 24 hours of every day, I have 6 premium free trial accounts running playlists on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music, and Amazon Music.

Puppykitties? I am tired. But it's Jimin, so...

I'm here to tell you about one more option, and then I have to call it a day and just keep streaming on my premium accounts, because I'm maxing out of money and energy.

Qobuz is a digital store that counts for BB100 and it was incredibly easy for me to sign up using my Facebook and purchase Face. I didn't sign up for a streaming service or agree to anything else; I literally just logged in via Facebook and bought the album for download.

Here's the link, have at it:

Remember you need to download each track by clicking on WMA button and letting it play for a few seconds on your device.

Here's what that looks like:

I'm certain you're tired by now and ready to call it a day, but if you can afford another $7 purchase, please buy this digital album one more time on Qobuz if you haven't already. It's easy and a trusted site. If you cannot, please reach out to Jimin USA and Jimin Funds and make a new iTunes account and buy with their gift cards.

Jimin has been dragged up and down stan twitter this week (we knew it was gonna happen no matter what) and now the "ARMY" fans who did nothing to help Face are gearing up to help D-Day* instead, so we really need to do our best to purchase this week and then keep streaming like it's our full-time job.

*A note about Yoongi and D-Day--and how we need to conduct ourselves as ARMY.

I'm OT7. I will get behind every single one of their projects. I can't wait to cheer Yoongi on during his Newark concert. I understand that the boys are releasing content on top of each other because enlistment is coming up soon. I trust the Tannies have agreed to their promotion times and plans. So please do not bring any shade to any member to my blog--I'll boot you.

However, it's very clear to me that almost 40% of this fandom ships a pairing that demonizes Jimin and many simply feel neutral at best about him and do not put in much effort to defend him or support him. Just my observation; maybe lots of fans feel this way about their own bias. I'm simply noticing how big accounts have been damned near radio silent for Face and are already organizing streaming and buying parties for D-Day's prerelease this week.

Add to that how hard we've been working to stream for Jimin, and yet Spotify and YouTube (especially YouTube) are deleting millions of streams every day. I share your pain and frustration over this. I think it's normal to talk about it in the DMs. But let's keep a clean timeline.

For fans of Jimin, we should act in a way that would honor Jimin and make him proud. Please do not whine or dwell on any negativity; do not badmouth a member or those who bias another member or the company they all work for. Definitely do not waste any precious time or energy dogfighting antis online. Please support Yoongi and all the boys as much as you can.

Keep it classy, even if you wish Jimin had more individual promotion time or radio play or more music videos and playlisting or whatever you perceive should have been done differently. It is what it is, and we want our boys to feel supported, not judged.

Despite all the bullshittery, Jimin has done remarkably well and gifted us with an amazing album. Letter alone is enough to keep my heart lit up like a firecracker for a good long time. So please, remember to conduct yourself as a true ARMY, and any injustices you perceive, answer it with rage-buying and rage-streaming.

Meet them in the charts, not the streets.

Now, I have myself a nice little sinus infection blooming into a full grown migraine today, so I'm gonna take a wee break and rest up. But I am around, and usually more active on my TWITTER if you want to be friends there. And I'll be streaming nonstop, you can be assured.

Please do your best my puppykitties. Talk more with you soon.

Love, Roo

[fuzzyreadingfictionpeanut]

Hi it's me again

Today 060623

It's been 2 year since i last open this Tumblr app

I've doing well and now I've also got some exciting story to share or write ✍️

For first year of 2022 I've been doing well just got my new job as a kitchen helper nothing much I'm doing well at my work and the boss seems good they love how i work they also complement me for doing a good job but fortunately i only last for 3 month then i quite or got out of the place and then starting that i suddenly realized since I've got my paid there just fine and have some saving I've thought of spending it well i spend it on myself i do what i love i go to my first ever event cosplay and first time cosplaying cause that's what i love and I've always been wanted to wear a costume and be something else like bringing the character i love to life well even though my style that time still new well still im fully satisfied with myself oh yeah also i started to go and talk to some other cosplayer i get to experience a new things it worth every penny I've spent it'll be a good time for me I'll remember that dayy foreverr then unexpected things happen i gotta meet lot of new people all kind of people they all nice and kind but still all the cosplayer are to hyper while me there an ambivert i get along with then just find but i started feeling lonely again and lost since I'm not to good with people lots of them says they thought that im a hyper person since me in chat is soo friendly and hype but meeting in person im a quiet person don't talk alot unlike in the chat group and yeah that's how im ,

And in that group chat and events I've also had a crush on someone at first i don't know what that feeling then eventually we meet and greet then chatting then talk about i don't know nonsense,

Well he's been catching my eyes since the first event we meet but don't talk just passing by each other just like a stranger walk pass then one time i follow his Instagram and comment on his status and got his number but still scared to reach out to him yet then one time i got a good excuses to use to dm him, i without wasting more time i dm him and started a small conversation like "will you go to the next event"

He replied then my heart beats suddenly up down badump baadumpp×_×

im dead then we started our longg2 conversation started askingg bout each other like or dislike and then the story go on long and we also fight but then we mad at each other duhh i also don't know why but i always over spoke about anything i want to say but one day finally we talk again after a month or week we haven't contacted each other he finally chat me then im shock feeling relief but unfortunately i got a fever that time so i can't meet him in any event since i can't go outside then we become like we're usual talks about our day telling story to each other playing some q&a then i started spending more time on my phone waiting for his notifications to pop out on my screen then few months past we still talk we only know each other for like a few months then i started noticing that he's been talking about other women he's been catching an eyes on he thinks he has a crush on that girl well i admitted it it's kinda hurt me but i don't really care much bout it since i don't really know what it is then one day he say that he will be confessing his feeling to her today then i without no hesitation i cut him by telling him about my feeling towards him saying how i think I've got a feeling towards him how I've been thinking about him since our first meet and first talk,at first i don't really sure if what im feeling is love but after months talking to him while thinking about him I've also been asking my friend on the internet bout this feeling that i have and they said of course it's love,

Then of course he's answers shocked me and made me feel more nervous waiting for his answer then he replied by askingg me back if i'm being serious about it and not just messing with him then of course i said yes i'm talking about what i really feels then we he answer then yes it is <⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠>then i started rolling in bed like a crazy worm to happy and scared at the same time (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠) i can't believe that,I've got my first boyfriend and now i have to figure out how to be a good girlfriend for him (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

[goombasa]

Writer's Block Sucks

So this is going to be an interesting experience, writing a blog post about writer's block while suffering from some level of writer's block, but hey, maybe it'll help.

I think one of the things I hate most about Writer's Block is the fact that it's a fairly nebulous descriptor. Yes, it basically describes the phenomenon where someone who writes, or wants to write, just cannot bring themselves to do so. But the cause(s) of said block can be… anything really. And it can last for any amount of time. I've had times where writer's block has lasted for only a few hours because I just couldn't find a decent adjective to describe whatever scene I was writing at the time, while some days I just sit down at my computer and nothing wants to spill out of my mind for no particular  reason, and then that state can continue onward for an untold amount of time. I think most writers have had at least one major stint of writer's block where you couldn't even look at your manuscript for, like, a month.

It can be even more aggressive too, lasting upwards of multiple months or even years, and there isn't really a catch-all cure for it, because the causes can be so different. Emotional states can kill your enthusiasm for a story, you can easily end up distracting yourself if you're the sort who suffers from AD(H)D or some forms of autism, and sometimes imposter syndrome will just take hold and not let go, preventing you from doing anything creative.

Sometimes the ideas just don't come. Sometimes they do, but you can't articulate them. Sometimes they're there, but you just don't have the energy. Not every form of writer's block is due to any verifiable external services. Sometimes you just don't feel it and sometimes life just sucks.

There's also the fact that writer's block can take other forms. The one that everyone's familiar with is the one where you just can't really write anything, you can't sit down and bang out anything at all. But I think one of the more insidious ones, one that I find myself suffering from more often, is one where I can write, but everything I write doesn't feel like it's my best. I've already had issues with cutting myself slack in the past, and so I'm prone to the idea of just tossing something out or stopping working on it entirely because I have trouble saying to myself, ‘eh, it's good enough.' For the longest time, it needs to be perfect the first go-round, and as you can imagine, that leads to a lot of wasted potential when I inevitably sit down to edit or revise a piece I've been working on, I get a decent amount into it, and then I just get frustrated because I have so much difficulty changing things that I know need to be changed.

Now, I can't offer solutions that work for everyone, as just like writing itself, I believe that everyone has their own way of going about it, but something that has helped me immensely, at least when it comes to that second sort of writer's block, is writing this blog. I don't know if y'all have noticed, but this blog and the posts I make aren't super deeply thought out, and their length and quality varies wildly from week to week, and the reason for that is because most of them are just stream-of-consciousness talking points about whatever topic happens to pique my interest that week. It's fast and loose and mostly going off of opinion (though I try my best not to state anything has a hard fact if I can help it unless I'm sure that it is; my last intention is to spread any sort of misinformation), and isn't meant to be any sort of deep statement on anything. It's basically just me doing what blogs were used for way back when, just sharing the odd, random thoughts that I have from week to week. The fact that it isn't anything that's really planned out or deeply researched, beyond the surface facts that I need when discussing certain things, I basically just sit down and bang out a post in an afternoon.

It's the furthest thing from fine writing you could imagine, but it is something that I wrote, from beginning to end, and while it's not amazing, it is something that I can take pride in. I get my thoughts down on paper, in a sloppy way, but I let it spill out onto the page, and it allows me to write. And that's what keeps me motivated. Because even if I have difficulty working on a more formal project that I have going at the time, the fact that I can still write something at all, I think, is an accomplishment. It keeps me from getting rusty, and keeps my creative juices flowing.

I can't say that this will help everyone who suffers from this, but my own way of treating it is… just to write. Writer's block, for me, often keeps me from working on specific things, usually my more serious attempts at storytelling, but just sitting down and banging out something quick and short, and non-committal, even if it isn't anything I plan on sharing with others or showing to anyone. My cure for my own writer's block is just to write, force out something small, keep myself in practice, and weirdly it works. It makes it so much easier to return to things that I consider to be much more in-depth projects and manuscripts. You can no doubt tell that this post is pretty scattered and doesn't have a lot of cohesion, and that's basically the point; it's a post meant to share thoughts and feelings and get something down on paper, keep my skills sharp, and hopefully start a conversation with those reading this.

And speaking of, I would love to hear what you all have to say. How do you deal with writer's block, and how often do you suffer from it? What sort of projects do you find it affecting the most? Let me know, I'm eager to hear more thoughts on this.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Friday Afternoon

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

What a week.

What a busy, frustrating, exhilarating week.

Sunday was great.

We had breakfast at a bakery on the boardwalk and got delicious coffee to sip while we walked.

Eventually though we had to come home and that's when it all went downhill.

That's not true, Sunday evening was fine.

Work is when it got crazy.

I don't know I did on Monday because I accomplished nothing even though I spent the entire day running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Tuesday was booked solid with meetings and a few interviews.

Wednesday I spent the morning finalizing a bid and spent the afternoon in DC.

I got stuck in the worst traffic I've ever seen on way home due to an accident and didn't get home until almost nine.

I don't want to talk about yesterday because Megan wasn't here and that turned almost impossible day into a complete shit show.

It's almost one o'clock on Friday and I haven't eaten lunch yet but I have no time because Emmett and I are looking at two houses this afternoon and we have to meet the realtor at the first house at three.

I have five hours of work to do before then and a twenty minute drive.

What I'm about to ask him to do will make his day much harder but it's the only way I can see myself making it.

Finnegan Walker: Emmett, any chance you can pick me up and bring me something to eat? Need to work and eat on the way to the house.

Emmett Locke: You're lucky you're cute. Of course. I'll be in the parking lot at 2:35.

Finnegan Walker: Thank you.

That makes everything a little more doable and I manage to only be seven minutes late getting downstairs.

"Thank you Emmett, glad you have the day off."

"It's no problem, darling."

I try to do three things at once on the way to the house because I want to see the neighborhood, I have to eat something before I pass out, and I still have an email to finish.

When we pull up I look at Emmett.

He puts the car in park and looks at me.

"I hate it."

He laughs.

"It's a bit more, uh, rough than the picture looked but maybe the inside is great. We're here, let's give it a shot."

The house needs to be shot.

This is why I didn't want to look at anything too cheap but the picture of the kitchen had me convinced to try it.

The realtor is already there and opens the door as we walk up the crumbling sidewalk.

We walk through and yes, the kitchen is nice although on closer inspection the finishes are cheap and what I thought was a nice backsplash is actually just some sort of wallpaper or something.

I thank her for her time and politely tell her that she would waste a lot less of her time if she put more accurate pictures online.

"I can't believe you said that," Emmett says, chuckling, as he buckles his seat belt.

"Well it's true. This is why we need our own realtor. She would have checked this place out for us and known it's... well not what we wanted."

"But that takes all the fun out of it, Finnegan. Besides, I love seeing other people's houses, I have this weird fascination with how other people live and I love architecture." 

That's news to me.

There's still a lot about him that I don't know.

"Besides, the next house should be great to balance out this one."

The second house is adorable.

It's also next door, literally next door, to a drug store that's open 24/7 hours a day.

Not three hundred feet away is a fast food place and just down from that is the hospital.

An ambulance flies by before we even get out of the car.

"Emmett, you need to be more specific. The house looks cute. The neighborhood... no."

"Next time we'll use google street view. The realtor's here, we have to go in."

"We do not, that's what phones are for."

His sign is on the front lawn and I call the number, politely telling him that no one wants to live next to a drug store and their asking price is ridiculous.

Location, location, location.

Well today was a bust.

I rushed around and left work for nothing.

"I should go back to work."

"No you shouldn't. I have no doubt that you're going to work tomorrow so take the evening off, Finnegan. Quincy and Rhys invited us to their place for dinner. I told them we'd have to see with the house viewings but"

"Let's go."

It's rude to interrupt but YES.

"Please?"

I need to change first... I'm still in my suit.

"Hold on."

He's amused.

"Let me text him real quick."

Soon we're off, heading towards our house.

His cell-phone chirps on the way and he lets me grab it.

"He says they'd love to have us and they're both already home," I read.

"Let him know our eta, so he can plan dinner."

"I'll take care of that while you change. No way you're wearing a monkey suit to play with Rhys."

He's so thoughful.

"Thanks Emmett."

Half an hour later we're on the road.

We've been asked to bring a six-pack and some chips and they're now nestled in the trunk.

"We're gonna see Rhys."

He looks over at me quickly and smiles.

"Yes we are. It should be a fun night."

[smilesobrien]

WHAT idk if this is up to date but i saw comm prices you posted in the summer and are those prices real?? it says a piece like the one in charlie's pinned (b'elanna's three weed smoking girlfriends) would cost 40$?? possibly even australian dollars which would bring it to only 24€????? what!?!?! you are severely underpriced, i would've guesstimated that piece to be like 80€ or 100usd (which i'm aware is more but i usually expect slightly higher rates from usians since they have a higher cost of living esp if they have health problems which so many on tumblr do) and you're telling me it's twenty four euros??? if i were not literally struggling to buy groceries without accruing further debt rn, i would pounce holy shit

so first and foremost, THANK YOU for saying nice things about my work!! i really hope ur financial situation improves soon too, i know how much of a struggle it is

and also... it took me so long to answer bcuz i was overthinking it. as per usual. feel free to skip the below though lol

so i really wish i could say something about how i really considered the Artistic Worth(tm) of my work when pricing it, but, well... my main actual consideration was, how low could I go without making it just a total waste of my time? fact is, the two main factors in pricing for me are:

1- i work full time, so any artistic work cuts into my free time... which i'm kind of reluctant to give up... haha!!

2- we are on tumblr. this is the only website where i really have an audience, and it's the donation post website. (to be clear, no hate to donation posts- emergency comms are just donation posts for people who can't accept money without offering something in return even if they would be better off not doing that).

so factor 1 pulls the price up, because i can't be dragged away from my precious sitting around doing nothing time without a financial incentive, and factor 2 pulls it down, because receiving small amounts of money is still better than receiving no money at all, especially in times of financial distress.

on the subject of financial distress, though, i will admit i'm thinking of opening them again- dental work and car work aren't free SADLY, and there's a lot of that going on in my life right now. the only reason i haven't already is that it hasn't hit the point where i need money that i don't have RIGHT NOW, which was the case the time my old job screwed me right before rent was due and the time i turned out to owe the government taxes. is what it is!

final note- another factor, which is secondary to the other two but still influences my decisions somewhat- i'm fast. this is an adhd cliche, i know, but my 1-4 week turnaround time consists mostly of... trying to get myself to work! since you mentioned charlie's pinned, i might as well be real with you and say that was probably only about 2-3ish hours of actually working. i've streamlined my process down a lot over the years, because if i don't get things finished in one sitting it's very, VERY hard for me to finish them at all... so speed is key. At a rate like that, you're looking at between $13-$20/hr, which is a decent enough tradeoff that i feel it's worth it.

[mango-study]

Welcome to my blog!✨

Since it's the middle of summer, I've been on vacation the last couple of weeks. At the end of September, exams are coming up. Exams that I'm kinda nervous about. Originally, there should have been five of them, but now it's down to three. Why the change? I figured out that setting realistic goals will bring me further than chasing some idea of being a perfect student.

Reality Check: My past and presence

I believe in positive affirmations and the effect of negative self-talk, but let's be real: For the last years I've been lazy, I've been procrastinating and I've been wasting vulnerable time. Time that could have been invested in myself and my future, but was instead spent on scrolling trough memes on Instagram, laying in bed and sleeping through school.

Starting university a year ago was supposed to be a fresh start for me. But you know what? I haven't really taken full advantage of it. Somehow, I ended up sticking to the same old habits from my school days. And somehow, I still managed to pass most of my exams with the bare minimum effort. If I keep doing that, I'm probably setting myself up for failure down the line. It's a shame that my whole circle of friends and family are working so hard and supporting me wherever they can, while I do.. nothing. Don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a total failure, but I'm not exactly doing a victory dance either.

I feel like all I ever achieved was not because of hard work (because let's be honest, I never put in hard work) but because of luck and privilege. I know all of that sounds terribly like I hate myself, but it's actually not that way (anymore). I just think that there is unused potential in me. And I'm on a mission to unlock it. Acknowledging my mistakes and changing things around? That's my way of showing myself some love. Putting in the effort to build the future I want? That's self-love right there. Creating habits that actually make a difference in life? Yep, you guessed it - that's self-love too.

Gosh, I sound like an influencer who wants to sell you their magic face cream or pyramid scheme that is definitely going to make you rich (for the record, it wont). My bad. If I knew how to do that, I still wouldn't.

Chasing self improvement: My future

While I grief about the time that is lost, I also recognize that I am currently in the perfect position to turn things around. I don't have a lot of bills to pay, because I'm living with my boyfriend and he supports me financially, just as my parents. No kids, no major responsibilities - just taking care of this house. I'm working on weekends to save up some money (traveling did not help with that). But let's face it, there will come a day when I can't keep relying on others and will have to learn independence. It's just fair for those around me to do my best to reach that point as soon as possible.

Up until now I didn't really follow a routine - but I came up with the idea of a masterplan. A girlboss, that-girl, changing my life plan. This blog is part of it - part of me getting back on track (or honestly just getting on track the first time of my life lol). I know this won't reach a big audience, but that's not my goal anyway. I just want to use this as a journal, firstly because I want to document everything (imagine if I actually make it big someday and this blog still exists - talk about a throwback), secondly because I've read somewhere that journaling helps with time management and thirdly because maybe there's someone out there who can relate to my story and learn a thing or two along with me.

In my next post you will read more about that masterplan I mentioned earlier. You're invited to be part of the brainstorming! Thanks for hanging out and reading.

Embrace the journey, embrace yourself. Until next time!💗

[pancakeke]

Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it

I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.

I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis

for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:

Work:

I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later

I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use

I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety

After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.

home/personal life

I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing

often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it

along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try

I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space

I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere

I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills

General

forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.

I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist

there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.

kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.

My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.

I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.

Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.

One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.

I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!