#I've wasted a lot of time this week doing nothing and i can't bring myself to care all that much

[jedi-bird]

I have decided that today shall be a do nothing day. I'm tired, I still have a headache from yesterday, and quite frankly I need a me day. I did get a bit done. Sorted out some small boxes of stuff into permanent storage, finished watering the plants, found some important papers (blood draw orders and neurologist referral that's been missing plus possibly a copy of my birth certificate that might let me update my ID so we can fly next year). Started washing the cleaning rags and dish towels, but it's a three step process the way I do it so that's an all day thing. Currently waiting for the pain meds to kick in and then I'm going to try to write. House stuff can wait until I have the mental energy to deal with it again.

[notmorbid]

...best american short stories.

dialogue prompts from 100 years of the best american short stories, edited by lorrie moore and heidi pitlor.

death-bed promises should be broken as lightly as they are seriously made.

the dead have no right to lay their clammy fingers upon the living.

if you're going to snore, go to bed!

you look as if you'd seen a ghost or found a gold mine. i don't know which.

i don't expect to marry anybody.

don't ever bet on anything.

i didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and i was gone.

we've suffered like everybody, but on the whole it's a good deal pleasanter.

we were a sort of royalty, almost infallible, with a sort of magic around us.

i should think you'd have had enough of bars.

don't you want a cocktail before dinner?

i want to get to know you.

i don't really need much taking care of anymore.

i don't want you to forget.

have you got a picture of ___?

family quarrels are bitter things. they don't go according to rules.

i was caught in a trap. it wasn't set for me, but it got me all the same.

you wanted a story, so i gave you a good one.

write me a letter. don't forget. i'll be waiting.

my dreams never renege on me. they're all i have to go by.

i don't put the respect on dreams i once did.

are you sure nobody knows where i am?

i don't see why you should ever be afraid of anything.

you know i'd take care of you if anything ever happened, don't you?

don't go away. stay and talk.

you don't have to worry, you know. i wouldn't ever let anything happen to you.

i wish you wouldn't look so unhappy.

i didn't think you saw me. not at first.

how can you get away from anything here?

we're all human on earth.

we couldn't get away from each other if we tried.

i don't want to do a thing from now on till evermore.

sometimes there are about fifteen or twenty minutes in the week when i feel like myself.

i thought it might make you happy. i wanted to make you happy.

and what if they can hear us? who cares?

i thought you were too smart to get hung.

i swear if i'd known what i was doing i would have never hurt you so.

maybe it does some good if you believe it.

i hope you'll remember the things i tried to teach you.

honey, there's a lot that you don't know. but you are going to find it out.

don't you forget what i told you, you hear?

i think people ought to do what they want to do. what else are they alive for?

i can't forget where i've been, and what i've been.

i can't really talk about it. not to you, not to anybody.

don't be a martyr.

with the world in the mess it's in, it's a wonder we can enjoy anything.

if you know who you are, you can go anywhere.

buck up. it won't kill you.

i wish you'd talk to me.

don't you ever want to rest?

i think death is a wonderful thing. i look forward to it.

what tone? i didn't take any tone.

you give everyone too much. that's your trouble.

mad at me, huh?

i don't know why i did it. i'm sorry for it, isn't that enough?

god listened and didn't say yes or no.

you should have gone after them with an ax.

you've been lucky. you always have been.

i bet you're afraid of me.

why aren't you married? you're not ugly. are you gay or something?

how nice. you always try to say the right thing.

you can't seem to keep your mind on one thing for more than a minute at a time.

it's not exactly the kind of thing you can bring up over lunch.

can you keep a secret about what i did today?

i thought when i left, it would just go away.

i want more days like that.

you don't have a heart. there's nothing to love in you.

would you tell me something if i asked you? would you tell me the truth?

other people's dreams are boring.

two salaries and no kids, that's the way to go.

i always seem to miss you.

i don't think i'll ever be dead enough --- or dead long enough --- to get the taste of this life off my teeth.

your optimism always surprises me.

pick on someone your own size.

promise you won't get mad?

i could yell at you, but why waste my breath?

better late than never. i was sure i'd see you someday.

you're a regular whirling dervish.

i don't watch tv. i don't own one.

how do you connect with the rest of the world?

did you like growing up there?

i don't usually say stuff like that.

i've been getting these mixed signals from you. i can't tell if you're attracted to me or not.

you don't have to love me. i love you enough for both of us.

group sex is for teenagers.

i think our hopes are made when we are young, and we can never adjust them to the real world.

how long can you use your parents as an excuse?

a life is like a house. one has to plan carefully where all the furniture will go.

mr. grief and i went a few rounds.

if you think about fear, then you'll be afraid.

i want to be a hero, you know?

you can always trust unhappiness.

i will keep coming until you speak to me.

what brings you here after all these years?

can i hug you? i'd really like to give you a hug.

i worried about you the whole time.

i wanted to be with you all the time.

the moment you fall in love with someone, you are lost.

i had to let you make your own mistakes.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.

[aishangotome]

Roger Barel: Chapter 2

Chapter 1

♡———♡

Roger: ...Ah, last night was quite hot, wasn't it, lil' lady?

(W-Wait... me, with Roger?)

Just imagining what happened in the bed makes my face feel like it's on fire.

Kate: Thank you for bringing me here. I'm sorry for the trouble...

Kate: But, to take advantage of someone who's drunk...

(Of course, it's also my fault for not remembering last night, but even so...)

I glare at Roger a little, unable to bear the embarrassment.

Roger: Sorry to disappoint your indecent expectations, but I didn't sleep with you.

Kate: Of course you didn't, you could easily devour someone as careless as me... Huh?

Kate: You didn't... eat me?

Roger: No. You were completely wasted. The moment Ellis and I carried you to your room, you threw up.

Kate: ...Threw up?

Roger: Yeah, spectacularly.

I freeze, my eyes wide with surprise at the fact that I had made a different kind of embarrassing spectacle than I had thought.

Kate: ...Then why are you here like that?

(And earlier...)

Kate: You said, "Last night was quite hot," didn't you!?

Roger: I was going to leave after seeing you asleep.

Roger: But you wouldn't let go of the hem of my shirt, like you were clinging to your favorite stuffed animal.

Roger: So I had no choice but to sleep here.

Roger: It was a really "hot" night being clung to by you with your high body temperature.

(Um... so, I just got drunk and caused trouble?)

Kate: I'm so sorry...!

I bow deeply on the bed, still wrapped in the sheets.

Roger: ...I knew it.

(Knew it?)

Suddenly, my chin is grabbed, and our eyes meet at close range.

Kate: ...??

Roger: I've been thinking this for a while... you look like a dog.

Kate: A dog?

Roger: You look just like my family's corgi.

Roger: Yapping unnecessarily, digging holes on your own, getting depressed on your own. See, you're just like him.

Kate: What!?

Roger: Haha, let me see your pathetic face. I can't see it because I don't have my glasses on.

Kate: You can just put on your glasses!

Kate: And you're too close! Get away from me, right now!

Roger: I get fired up when people say no or tell me to stop.

As I'm being provoked and yapping like Roger's corgi...

Someone knocks on the door.

Liam's Voice: Kate, are you awake? I made breakfast that's easy to eat even after drinking, won't you eat?

Harrison's Voice: No response. Maybe she's dead in there by now. They say it's dangerous the day after drinking a lot of alcohol.

Liam's Voice: Eh! Kate, Kate, are you alive!?

The voices I heard from outside the door were Liam's and Harrison's.

(They came to check on me because they were worried. B-But...)

I want to open the door right away, but I'm not wearing anything.

And on top of that... Roger is here.

Roger: You're popular even though you've only been here for a week.

Kate: Now is not the time to say that!

(If they see Roger half-naked in the room, what kind of misunderstanding will they have...?)

Liam's Voice: If something happened to Kate, I... Sorry, I'm coming in!

Kate: Ah!

-

Roger: Haha. They saw everything, didn't they, lil' lady?

(...This is the worst.)

I honestly want to forget what happened after the door was opened.

Liam and Harrison froze like statues when they saw me and Roger on the bed, and I spent 30 minutes desperately explaining to them that "nothing happened between us last night."

––Finally, the misunderstanding was cleared up, and we were sitting at the breakfast table.

Roger: I'm glad the misunderstanding was cleared up, lil' lady. Your desperate explanation was adorable.

Kate: ...Whose fault do you think it was that I had to explain myself?

Roger: Now, whose fault could it be? If you know, will you tell me?

(He's so good at arguing back.)

(I want to completely retract my thought that he's a sensible and mature older brother...)

What I realized again is that Roger is a mean, forceful, and quite a bad egoist who treats people like dogs.

But the fact that the fruit sandwich for breakfast still tastes good today, and that I have the energy to argue with him, is definitely thanks to Roger.

(I'm not sure if I'm happy or frustrated, it's a complicated feeling.)

Kate: Huh? Speaking of which, it's rare for everyone to be gathered today.

Elbert: Yeah... Victor called us.

At that moment, light footsteps enter the dining room.

Victor: Good morning! My beloved cursed ones and my Fairytale Keeper!

Harrison: Your voice is too loud.

Victor: The reason I gathered you all today is none other than... I have an important matter to discuss.

(An important matter? I wonder what it is...)

The cheerful Victor has a serious look on his face, which is unusual for him.

Victor: Am I overworking Kate?

Kate: ...Eh?

Victor: I was the one who suggested the Fairytale Keeper role! I was the one who asked her to record Crown's evil deeds!

Victor: But I didn't imagine the burden of recording the evil deeds of nine people. This is a blunder on my part.

Victor: Therefore, we will now hold a competition for the exclusive right to the Fairytale Keeper, yay!

Kate: Fairytale Keeper, exclusive rights... a competition?

Harrison: The story might have been a bit out there, so you might not have been able to follow along.

Harrison: In short, it means you'll become someone's exclusive Fairytale Keeper, right?

Kate: I see. Thank you for the easy-to-understand explanation.

Liam: I want you to be my exclusive Fairytale Keeper. That way, I can always be with Kate, right?

Ellis: If you become my exclusive Fairytale Keeper... would you be happy? If so, then I'll do my best.

Each with their own motives, everyone seemed quite enthusiastic, and they immediately started arguing about what to compete in.

Victor: Ta-da! I made this just in case something like this happened.

(This is...)

Victor: Fair and square, honorable, upright, corruption eradication, an Amidakuji!

As a result of the Amidakuji, the competition was decided to be arm wrestling...

Victor: The winner is Roger Barel!

Roger: Well, that was an obvious result.

Roger: All of you just have superficial muscles. The only one who seemed to have any bone was Ellis.

The tournament, which was supposed to be a competition, turned into a series of matches against Roger, and despite fighting continuously without rest, Roger won every match, achieving a complete victory.

By the way, Jude, who disappeared in the middle of the competiton, lost by default.

Roger: Well then, lil' lady.

Roger: I really wanted to make you my exclusive Fairytale Keeper, you know?

Being looked at with such passion, my heart skips a beat.

(The reason Roger wants me as his exclusive Fairytale Keeper...)

Roger: Organizing materials, assisting with research and investigation... research takes a lot of work.

Roger: It's a situation where I need all the help I can get from my "dog." I'm counting on you, Kate.

(Huh?... Dog?)

Kate: So... you needed a chore boy?

The corners of his mouth lifted into a smirk, clearly confirming it...

(This is the worst...!)

-

Several hours later, in the office, there was Roger with an investigation report in hand, along with Victor and William.

Roger: Victor, this is the result of the analysis of the illegal cannabis components seized during the recent mission you requested.

Victor: Thank you, as expected of Roger. Your quick work is a great help.

Roger: So, would you care to explain why you rigged the arm wrestling match to give me a chance to win?

William: Well, well... see, Victor? Roger is a clever man. It would be in your best interest to confess honestly.

Victor, facing those playfully swaying red eyes, seemed to give in and showed his palm.

Victor: I surrender. I'll confess honestly.

Victor: Actually, I haven't let my guard down against Vogel yet.

Victor: They say they want to deepen our friendship, but they must have some other purpose.

Victor: If they were planning to harm us in any way...

Victor: You know who they would target first,right?

Roger: ...Our cute 'lil Fairytale Keeper.

Victor: Yup. That's why I thought you were the best suited to accompany and protect her.

Victor: You're always calm and you're strong.

Roger: Thanks for the compliment. But in the end, it's up to the person themselves to make the most of their life. There's only so much I can do.

William: So, is the answer no?

Roger: No... I think I'll look after her for a while. I wanted a chore boy anyway, right?

With something hidden behind his words, Roger accepted their proposal.

Roger: Oh, and please transfer the reward for the investigation report later. See you.

The pragmatic man didn't forget to say that as he left.

Victor: Roger is really rational and opportunistic.

William: Vic, putting Vogel aside, you haven't revealed everything you're thinking either, have you?

William: ...What was the "other purpose" for making Roger and Kate work together?

Victor: Roger is a strong person. Not just physically or mentally, but in the sense that he can live on his own.

William: That may be true. He may worry, but I've never seen him lose heart.

Victor: Having a firm sense of self is a wonderful thing.

Victor: But... life is interesting precisely because unpredictable chemical reactions sometimes occur.

William: So you put the two of them together out of curiosity. Ahahaha, you're still a bad man as always.

Victor: You can talk. Besides, you know I'm not a good person, right?

William: Yes, to the core.

-

I became Roger's exclusive Fairytale Keeper, and I was tasked with organizing the underground laboratory he uses.

Kate: I don't think organizing materials is within the scope of a Fairytale Keeper's work.

I glanced sideways at Roger, seeing books scattered everywhere and stacks of paper piled high on the desk.

Roger: A Fairytale Keeper needs to be able to see things from multiple perspectives. Nothing is useless.

--CHOICES--

That's a bit of a stretch...

Am I being taken advantage of?

Maybe you're right.

---------------

Kate: That's true... maybe you're right.

Roger: Your honesty is a virtue.

Kate: What was that?

Roger: Nothing. Come on, let's get to work.

The laboratory was filled with a vast number of medical books, experimental equipment, and chemicals I had never seen before.

(This is amazing...)

Roger was originally a doctor, and even after joining Crown, he still treats injured members.

He continues his research and clinical trials as before, and there are books with difficult-sounding titles lined up.

(...What kind of research is Roger doing?)

As I picked up each book from the towering pile, I returned them to the shelves by subject.

(Let's see, this is anatomy, so... ah, here it is.)

The moment I reached for the shelf, I suddenly felt a presence behind me.

(Huh...?)

What touched my back was a warm, obviously thick chest...

Kate: Roger, just because no one's around doesn't mean you can touch me!

Sandwiched between the bookshelf and Roger, I turned around in a fluster to see Roger with his hand on the top shelf, his eyes narrowed in displeasure.

Roger: Hey, stop treating me like a starving beast, like you did the other day.

Roger: I was just trying to get the book above your head.

(Eh... so it was my misunderstanding?)

Roger: Well... you do look quite tasty, though.

Kate: Huh...?

Roger closed the distance between us, and I gasped.

...But then he moved away.

Roger: Never mind. It seems like it would be troublesome with lingering feelings.

Kate: Lingering feelings?

Roger: Kate, do you think romantic feelings even exist in this world?

Any adult must have thought about love at some point.

But I had never thought about whether it "exists" or not.

Kate: I think there are people who don't fall in love.

Kate: But if you ask me if it exists, I would say it does, wouldn't you?

Roger: That's probably the common answer.

Roger: But I think romantic feelings don't exist in this world.

Roger: What people call romantic feelings are just brain malfunctions or misunderstandings arising from sexual desire.

"Functional Anatomy and Maturation of the Brain" - I couldn't help but recall the title of the book I had just picked up.

(Can love also be explained by brain structure...?)

Kate: But romantic feelings can't be malfunctions or misunderstandings...

Roger: Ah, I can't give you a clear reason for that right now.

Roger: Love is inseparable from human society, yet no one has ever proven it.

Roger: I don't believe in or value anything that can't be proven by science or medicine.

Kate: Um, so that's why you...

Roger: When I do it, it's to relieve sexual desire. So once I do it, that's it.

Roger: No repeats, even if we both agree to it.

Kate: That's... blunt.

(But it's a way of thinking that's typical of Roger, who hates waste.)

Roger: Well, that said, I'll play with you as much as you want if you can handle it.

Roger: Ah, but it'll be a secret from the Crown guys, of course.

His smile, tinged with a hint of seductiveness, made my heart race against my will.

Kate: I'll pass.

Roger: Haha, you're no fun.

Right now, my goal is to finish my job as a Fairytale Keeper safely, and I'm not in the mood for love.

(People falling in love with each other is unpredictable.)

(So there's no such thing as absolute, but...)

I felt that Roger and I would never fall in love...

Yes, right now, finishing my job as a Fairytale Keeper safely is my one and only goal.

That "Fairytale Keeper" job came the day after I became Roger's exclusive storyteller.

An undercover mission to the "Death Party"... that was my first assignment.

.

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Roger Barel - Chapter 3

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.

[puddingvalkyrie]

Reading massively improved my mental health and I want to talk about it in case it can help others!

Y'all, I think we all need to read more books.

I know I'm an author so I WOULD say that and in fact, I DO say that to children at every opportunity (my dyslexia would be a LOT worse if I hadn't read so much as a kid) but hear me out.

So back in ...March/April I was pretty miserable and it was partly because Norwegian winter will do that to an unprepared foreigner but also because it was the anniversary of The Bad Thing so I felt miserable and alone.

I had no way to really remedy the situation.

But one thing I did do was... Finally crack. See, I'd been DYING to reread my Discworld books, but they are in a different country and I can't afford to go get them or have them sent to me. I have a few paper books here though - I mainly took my fairytale collections, because what did you expect? Actually I guess hardly anyone on Tumblr knows me - Alicia does two things. Vampires. And Fairytales. Didn't bring my vampire encyclopedia, too big and heavy. Anyway.

I have a part time job with an hour on the train each way. I started taking my paper books, my fairytale collections. They were full of short things I could finish easily in a train journey.

Some info. I had managed to sour reading for myself some years previously... I mainly read for research purposes, hardly picking up anything just for the fun of it. PSA: Don't do this. Do not do this. Don't. Do NOT.

And then I reread one of the few paper fiction books I had with me. I enjoy fairytales but they do still fall under 'sort of work' for me. This did not. This was a book I am eagerly awaiting the finale to.

Anyway, I finished it quickly, reading it both on and off the train. You know. For fun. Not just fill time I was stuck somewhere.

Finishing it annoyed me. I wanted more stories. I wanted more than fairytales. And so I cracked. I bought Equal Rites as an ebook. See, I'd previously decided I would not buy anything I already owned in paperback as an ebook because... Well, waste of money, something I don't have enough of. To buy my entire discworld collection in ebook format would cost as much as getting on a plane and bringing my paper ones back.

But just ONE book would be alright, wouldn't it?

So anyway I finished the book.

Of course I'm not going to read just ONE discworld book.

So I carefully ration myself ebooks, making a condition for myself that they are mainly for the train, but I am allowed to read them at home too.

And gradually... The fog lifted. Nothing much has changed besides that I'm reading books regularly again. I still have the same problems that were upsetting me in March. I was also HORRIBLY BURNED OUT until last week. But my mood is MASSIVELY improved. Like, hugely improved. And yeah, yeah, it's summer now, so the weather will have helped also. But I can pinpoint my recovery to when I started reading regularly again. And that is to say that while I was burned out, I wasn't ALSO sad.

So from now on I will be making an effort to keep reading books for fun.

It's kind of crazy that I had stopped for so long. I mean. I write books people are supposed to read for fun. Kinda hypocritical of me to like.. not do that.

I think maybe I have created this problem for myself with many of my hobbies. I tried to make drawing into a business, tried to do too much too fast, and since then I've barely drawn. I love cartoons so I watch them in Norwegian to help me learn - means I was never just relaxing while watching a cartoon for a few years. Recently started just watching cartoons in English/Japanese if I darn well feel like it.

...enough tangent, back to Why Reading Is Good.

Don't quote me on this, I am just scribbling down thoughts I've been meaning to write down for a month, therefore, am too lazy to track down any sources, but I'm pretty sure reading books is actually scientifically proven to help your brain?? I seem to remember reading your hippocampus shrinks if you don't exercise your brain enough and reading long stories does that. And a shrinking hippocampus causes depression?? I don't know anything much about brains and psychology so I must have read that somewhere.

I think a hippocampus is also like... A horse mermaid.

Again, no source, might be thinking of something from Mermaid Melody.

I'mma go read more of my current book now. It's a history book this time.

Yay books!

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[roo-bastmoon]

Qobuz & ARMY Conduct in Solo Era

We know we need to buy Like Crazy and Face more to help Jimin avoid free fall on the charts this week. Scroll down to learn how to buy on Qobuz if you haven't already.

It's my understanding that sales count for Billboard charts if you use 1 credit card per digital purchase, 1 credit card for up to 4 physical purchases. Whether or not you can use the same email address is up to each site (BTS US store yes, iTunes no).

Speaking only for myself, for digital purchases, I've made 6 iTunes accounts and bought the singles and albums (and alterative versions) there; I've also purchased all digital versions on Amazon Music and WeVerse and bought Like Crazy off a Stationhead listening party. For physical copies, I have purchased both albums each from Amazon, Target, and Weverse. For all 24 hours of every day, I have 6 premium free trial accounts running playlists on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music, and Amazon Music.

Puppykitties? I am tired. But it's Jimin, so...

I'm here to tell you about one more option, and then I have to call it a day and just keep streaming on my premium accounts, because I'm maxing out of money and energy.

Qobuz is a digital store that counts for BB100 and it was incredibly easy for me to sign up using my Facebook and purchase Face. I didn't sign up for a streaming service or agree to anything else; I literally just logged in via Facebook and bought the album for download.

Here's the link, have at it:

Remember you need to download each track by clicking on WMA button and letting it play for a few seconds on your device.

Here's what that looks like:

I'm certain you're tired by now and ready to call it a day, but if you can afford another $7 purchase, please buy this digital album one more time on Qobuz if you haven't already. It's easy and a trusted site. If you cannot, please reach out to Jimin USA and Jimin Funds and make a new iTunes account and buy with their gift cards.

Jimin has been dragged up and down stan twitter this week (we knew it was gonna happen no matter what) and now the "ARMY" fans who did nothing to help Face are gearing up to help D-Day* instead, so we really need to do our best to purchase this week and then keep streaming like it's our full-time job.

*A note about Yoongi and D-Day--and how we need to conduct ourselves as ARMY.

I'm OT7. I will get behind every single one of their projects. I can't wait to cheer Yoongi on during his Newark concert. I understand that the boys are releasing content on top of each other because enlistment is coming up soon. I trust the Tannies have agreed to their promotion times and plans. So please do not bring any shade to any member to my blog--I'll boot you.

However, it's very clear to me that almost 40% of this fandom ships a pairing that demonizes Jimin and many simply feel neutral at best about him and do not put in much effort to defend him or support him. Just my observation; maybe lots of fans feel this way about their own bias. I'm simply noticing how big accounts have been damned near radio silent for Face and are already organizing streaming and buying parties for D-Day's prerelease this week.

Add to that how hard we've been working to stream for Jimin, and yet Spotify and YouTube (especially YouTube) are deleting millions of streams every day. I share your pain and frustration over this. I think it's normal to talk about it in the DMs. But let's keep a clean timeline.

For fans of Jimin, we should act in a way that would honor Jimin and make him proud. Please do not whine or dwell on any negativity; do not badmouth a member or those who bias another member or the company they all work for. Definitely do not waste any precious time or energy dogfighting antis online. Please support Yoongi and all the boys as much as you can.

Keep it classy, even if you wish Jimin had more individual promotion time or radio play or more music videos and playlisting or whatever you perceive should have been done differently. It is what it is, and we want our boys to feel supported, not judged.

Despite all the bullshittery, Jimin has done remarkably well and gifted us with an amazing album. Letter alone is enough to keep my heart lit up like a firecracker for a good long time. So please, remember to conduct yourself as a true ARMY, and any injustices you perceive, answer it with rage-buying and rage-streaming.

Meet them in the charts, not the streets.

Now, I have myself a nice little sinus infection blooming into a full grown migraine today, so I'm gonna take a wee break and rest up. But I am around, and usually more active on my TWITTER if you want to be friends there. And I'll be streaming nonstop, you can be assured.

Please do your best my puppykitties. Talk more with you soon.

Love, Roo

[fuzzyreadingfictionpeanut]

Hi it's me again

Today 060623

It's been 2 year since i last open this Tumblr app

I've doing well and now I've also got some exciting story to share or write ✍️

For first year of 2022 I've been doing well just got my new job as a kitchen helper nothing much I'm doing well at my work and the boss seems good they love how i work they also complement me for doing a good job but fortunately i only last for 3 month then i quite or got out of the place and then starting that i suddenly realized since I've got my paid there just fine and have some saving I've thought of spending it well i spend it on myself i do what i love i go to my first ever event cosplay and first time cosplaying cause that's what i love and I've always been wanted to wear a costume and be something else like bringing the character i love to life well even though my style that time still new well still im fully satisfied with myself oh yeah also i started to go and talk to some other cosplayer i get to experience a new things it worth every penny I've spent it'll be a good time for me I'll remember that dayy foreverr then unexpected things happen i gotta meet lot of new people all kind of people they all nice and kind but still all the cosplayer are to hyper while me there an ambivert i get along with then just find but i started feeling lonely again and lost since I'm not to good with people lots of them says they thought that im a hyper person since me in chat is soo friendly and hype but meeting in person im a quiet person don't talk alot unlike in the chat group and yeah that's how im ,

And in that group chat and events I've also had a crush on someone at first i don't know what that feeling then eventually we meet and greet then chatting then talk about i don't know nonsense,

Well he's been catching my eyes since the first event we meet but don't talk just passing by each other just like a stranger walk pass then one time i follow his Instagram and comment on his status and got his number but still scared to reach out to him yet then one time i got a good excuses to use to dm him, i without wasting more time i dm him and started a small conversation like "will you go to the next event"

He replied then my heart beats suddenly up down badump baadumpp×_×

im dead then we started our longg2 conversation started askingg bout each other like or dislike and then the story go on long and we also fight but then we mad at each other duhh i also don't know why but i always over spoke about anything i want to say but one day finally we talk again after a month or week we haven't contacted each other he finally chat me then im shock feeling relief but unfortunately i got a fever that time so i can't meet him in any event since i can't go outside then we become like we're usual talks about our day telling story to each other playing some q&a then i started spending more time on my phone waiting for his notifications to pop out on my screen then few months past we still talk we only know each other for like a few months then i started noticing that he's been talking about other women he's been catching an eyes on he thinks he has a crush on that girl well i admitted it it's kinda hurt me but i don't really care much bout it since i don't really know what it is then one day he say that he will be confessing his feeling to her today then i without no hesitation i cut him by telling him about my feeling towards him saying how i think I've got a feeling towards him how I've been thinking about him since our first meet and first talk,at first i don't really sure if what im feeling is love but after months talking to him while thinking about him I've also been asking my friend on the internet bout this feeling that i have and they said of course it's love,

Then of course he's answers shocked me and made me feel more nervous waiting for his answer then he replied by askingg me back if i'm being serious about it and not just messing with him then of course i said yes i'm talking about what i really feels then we he answer then yes it is <⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠>then i started rolling in bed like a crazy worm to happy and scared at the same time (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠) i can't believe that,I've got my first boyfriend and now i have to figure out how to be a good girlfriend for him (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

[goombasa]

Writer's Block Sucks

So this is going to be an interesting experience, writing a blog post about writer's block while suffering from some level of writer's block, but hey, maybe it'll help.

I think one of the things I hate most about Writer's Block is the fact that it's a fairly nebulous descriptor. Yes, it basically describes the phenomenon where someone who writes, or wants to write, just cannot bring themselves to do so. But the cause(s) of said block can be… anything really. And it can last for any amount of time. I've had times where writer's block has lasted for only a few hours because I just couldn't find a decent adjective to describe whatever scene I was writing at the time, while some days I just sit down at my computer and nothing wants to spill out of my mind for no particular  reason, and then that state can continue onward for an untold amount of time. I think most writers have had at least one major stint of writer's block where you couldn't even look at your manuscript for, like, a month.

It can be even more aggressive too, lasting upwards of multiple months or even years, and there isn't really a catch-all cure for it, because the causes can be so different. Emotional states can kill your enthusiasm for a story, you can easily end up distracting yourself if you're the sort who suffers from AD(H)D or some forms of autism, and sometimes imposter syndrome will just take hold and not let go, preventing you from doing anything creative.

Sometimes the ideas just don't come. Sometimes they do, but you can't articulate them. Sometimes they're there, but you just don't have the energy. Not every form of writer's block is due to any verifiable external services. Sometimes you just don't feel it and sometimes life just sucks.

There's also the fact that writer's block can take other forms. The one that everyone's familiar with is the one where you just can't really write anything, you can't sit down and bang out anything at all. But I think one of the more insidious ones, one that I find myself suffering from more often, is one where I can write, but everything I write doesn't feel like it's my best. I've already had issues with cutting myself slack in the past, and so I'm prone to the idea of just tossing something out or stopping working on it entirely because I have trouble saying to myself, ‘eh, it's good enough.' For the longest time, it needs to be perfect the first go-round, and as you can imagine, that leads to a lot of wasted potential when I inevitably sit down to edit or revise a piece I've been working on, I get a decent amount into it, and then I just get frustrated because I have so much difficulty changing things that I know need to be changed.

Now, I can't offer solutions that work for everyone, as just like writing itself, I believe that everyone has their own way of going about it, but something that has helped me immensely, at least when it comes to that second sort of writer's block, is writing this blog. I don't know if y'all have noticed, but this blog and the posts I make aren't super deeply thought out, and their length and quality varies wildly from week to week, and the reason for that is because most of them are just stream-of-consciousness talking points about whatever topic happens to pique my interest that week. It's fast and loose and mostly going off of opinion (though I try my best not to state anything has a hard fact if I can help it unless I'm sure that it is; my last intention is to spread any sort of misinformation), and isn't meant to be any sort of deep statement on anything. It's basically just me doing what blogs were used for way back when, just sharing the odd, random thoughts that I have from week to week. The fact that it isn't anything that's really planned out or deeply researched, beyond the surface facts that I need when discussing certain things, I basically just sit down and bang out a post in an afternoon.

It's the furthest thing from fine writing you could imagine, but it is something that I wrote, from beginning to end, and while it's not amazing, it is something that I can take pride in. I get my thoughts down on paper, in a sloppy way, but I let it spill out onto the page, and it allows me to write. And that's what keeps me motivated. Because even if I have difficulty working on a more formal project that I have going at the time, the fact that I can still write something at all, I think, is an accomplishment. It keeps me from getting rusty, and keeps my creative juices flowing.

I can't say that this will help everyone who suffers from this, but my own way of treating it is… just to write. Writer's block, for me, often keeps me from working on specific things, usually my more serious attempts at storytelling, but just sitting down and banging out something quick and short, and non-committal, even if it isn't anything I plan on sharing with others or showing to anyone. My cure for my own writer's block is just to write, force out something small, keep myself in practice, and weirdly it works. It makes it so much easier to return to things that I consider to be much more in-depth projects and manuscripts. You can no doubt tell that this post is pretty scattered and doesn't have a lot of cohesion, and that's basically the point; it's a post meant to share thoughts and feelings and get something down on paper, keep my skills sharp, and hopefully start a conversation with those reading this.

And speaking of, I would love to hear what you all have to say. How do you deal with writer's block, and how often do you suffer from it? What sort of projects do you find it affecting the most? Let me know, I'm eager to hear more thoughts on this.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - Friday Afternoon

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

What a week.

What a busy, frustrating, exhilarating week.

Sunday was great.

We had breakfast at a bakery on the boardwalk and got delicious coffee to sip while we walked.

Eventually though we had to come home and that's when it all went downhill.

That's not true, Sunday evening was fine.

Work is when it got crazy.

I don't know I did on Monday because I accomplished nothing even though I spent the entire day running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Tuesday was booked solid with meetings and a few interviews.

Wednesday I spent the morning finalizing a bid and spent the afternoon in DC.

I got stuck in the worst traffic I've ever seen on way home due to an accident and didn't get home until almost nine.

I don't want to talk about yesterday because Megan wasn't here and that turned almost impossible day into a complete shit show.

It's almost one o'clock on Friday and I haven't eaten lunch yet but I have no time because Emmett and I are looking at two houses this afternoon and we have to meet the realtor at the first house at three.

I have five hours of work to do before then and a twenty minute drive.

What I'm about to ask him to do will make his day much harder but it's the only way I can see myself making it.

Finnegan Walker: Emmett, any chance you can pick me up and bring me something to eat? Need to work and eat on the way to the house.

Emmett Locke: You're lucky you're cute. Of course. I'll be in the parking lot at 2:35.

Finnegan Walker: Thank you.

That makes everything a little more doable and I manage to only be seven minutes late getting downstairs.

"Thank you Emmett, glad you have the day off."

"It's no problem, darling."

I try to do three things at once on the way to the house because I want to see the neighborhood, I have to eat something before I pass out, and I still have an email to finish.

When we pull up I look at Emmett.

He puts the car in park and looks at me.

"I hate it."

He laughs.

"It's a bit more, uh, rough than the picture looked but maybe the inside is great. We're here, let's give it a shot."

The house needs to be shot.

This is why I didn't want to look at anything too cheap but the picture of the kitchen had me convinced to try it.

The realtor is already there and opens the door as we walk up the crumbling sidewalk.

We walk through and yes, the kitchen is nice although on closer inspection the finishes are cheap and what I thought was a nice backsplash is actually just some sort of wallpaper or something.

I thank her for her time and politely tell her that she would waste a lot less of her time if she put more accurate pictures online.

"I can't believe you said that," Emmett says, chuckling, as he buckles his seat belt.

"Well it's true. This is why we need our own realtor. She would have checked this place out for us and known it's... well not what we wanted."

"But that takes all the fun out of it, Finnegan. Besides, I love seeing other people's houses, I have this weird fascination with how other people live and I love architecture." 

That's news to me.

There's still a lot about him that I don't know.

"Besides, the next house should be great to balance out this one."

The second house is adorable.

It's also next door, literally next door, to a drug store that's open 24/7 hours a day.

Not three hundred feet away is a fast food place and just down from that is the hospital.

An ambulance flies by before we even get out of the car.

"Emmett, you need to be more specific. The house looks cute. The neighborhood... no."

"Next time we'll use google street view. The realtor's here, we have to go in."

"We do not, that's what phones are for."

His sign is on the front lawn and I call the number, politely telling him that no one wants to live next to a drug store and their asking price is ridiculous.

Location, location, location.

Well today was a bust.

I rushed around and left work for nothing.

"I should go back to work."

"No you shouldn't. I have no doubt that you're going to work tomorrow so take the evening off, Finnegan. Quincy and Rhys invited us to their place for dinner. I told them we'd have to see with the house viewings but"

"Let's go."

It's rude to interrupt but YES.

"Please?"

I need to change first... I'm still in my suit.

"Hold on."

He's amused.

"Let me text him real quick."

Soon we're off, heading towards our house.

His cell-phone chirps on the way and he lets me grab it.

"He says they'd love to have us and they're both already home," I read.

"Let him know our eta, so he can plan dinner."

"I'll take care of that while you change. No way you're wearing a monkey suit to play with Rhys."

He's so thoughful.

"Thanks Emmett."

Half an hour later we're on the road.

We've been asked to bring a six-pack and some chips and they're now nestled in the trunk.

"We're gonna see Rhys."

He looks over at me quickly and smiles.

"Yes we are. It should be a fun night."

[smilesobrien]

WHAT idk if this is up to date but i saw comm prices you posted in the summer and are those prices real?? it says a piece like the one in charlie's pinned (b'elanna's three weed smoking girlfriends) would cost 40$?? possibly even australian dollars which would bring it to only 24€????? what!?!?! you are severely underpriced, i would've guesstimated that piece to be like 80€ or 100usd (which i'm aware is more but i usually expect slightly higher rates from usians since they have a higher cost of living esp if they have health problems which so many on tumblr do) and you're telling me it's twenty four euros??? if i were not literally struggling to buy groceries without accruing further debt rn, i would pounce holy shit

so first and foremost, THANK YOU for saying nice things about my work!! i really hope ur financial situation improves soon too, i know how much of a struggle it is

and also... it took me so long to answer bcuz i was overthinking it. as per usual. feel free to skip the below though lol

so i really wish i could say something about how i really considered the Artistic Worth(tm) of my work when pricing it, but, well... my main actual consideration was, how low could I go without making it just a total waste of my time? fact is, the two main factors in pricing for me are:

1- i work full time, so any artistic work cuts into my free time... which i'm kind of reluctant to give up... haha!!

2- we are on tumblr. this is the only website where i really have an audience, and it's the donation post website. (to be clear, no hate to donation posts- emergency comms are just donation posts for people who can't accept money without offering something in return even if they would be better off not doing that).

so factor 1 pulls the price up, because i can't be dragged away from my precious sitting around doing nothing time without a financial incentive, and factor 2 pulls it down, because receiving small amounts of money is still better than receiving no money at all, especially in times of financial distress.

on the subject of financial distress, though, i will admit i'm thinking of opening them again- dental work and car work aren't free SADLY, and there's a lot of that going on in my life right now. the only reason i haven't already is that it hasn't hit the point where i need money that i don't have RIGHT NOW, which was the case the time my old job screwed me right before rent was due and the time i turned out to owe the government taxes. is what it is!

final note- another factor, which is secondary to the other two but still influences my decisions somewhat- i'm fast. this is an adhd cliche, i know, but my 1-4 week turnaround time consists mostly of... trying to get myself to work! since you mentioned charlie's pinned, i might as well be real with you and say that was probably only about 2-3ish hours of actually working. i've streamlined my process down a lot over the years, because if i don't get things finished in one sitting it's very, VERY hard for me to finish them at all... so speed is key. At a rate like that, you're looking at between $13-$20/hr, which is a decent enough tradeoff that i feel it's worth it.

[mango-study]

Welcome to my blog!✨

Since it's the middle of summer, I've been on vacation the last couple of weeks. At the end of September, exams are coming up. Exams that I'm kinda nervous about. Originally, there should have been five of them, but now it's down to three. Why the change? I figured out that setting realistic goals will bring me further than chasing some idea of being a perfect student.

Reality Check: My past and presence

I believe in positive affirmations and the effect of negative self-talk, but let's be real: For the last years I've been lazy, I've been procrastinating and I've been wasting vulnerable time. Time that could have been invested in myself and my future, but was instead spent on scrolling trough memes on Instagram, laying in bed and sleeping through school.

Starting university a year ago was supposed to be a fresh start for me. But you know what? I haven't really taken full advantage of it. Somehow, I ended up sticking to the same old habits from my school days. And somehow, I still managed to pass most of my exams with the bare minimum effort. If I keep doing that, I'm probably setting myself up for failure down the line. It's a shame that my whole circle of friends and family are working so hard and supporting me wherever they can, while I do.. nothing. Don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a total failure, but I'm not exactly doing a victory dance either.

I feel like all I ever achieved was not because of hard work (because let's be honest, I never put in hard work) but because of luck and privilege. I know all of that sounds terribly like I hate myself, but it's actually not that way (anymore). I just think that there is unused potential in me. And I'm on a mission to unlock it. Acknowledging my mistakes and changing things around? That's my way of showing myself some love. Putting in the effort to build the future I want? That's self-love right there. Creating habits that actually make a difference in life? Yep, you guessed it - that's self-love too.

Gosh, I sound like an influencer who wants to sell you their magic face cream or pyramid scheme that is definitely going to make you rich (for the record, it wont). My bad. If I knew how to do that, I still wouldn't.

Chasing self improvement: My future

While I grief about the time that is lost, I also recognize that I am currently in the perfect position to turn things around. I don't have a lot of bills to pay, because I'm living with my boyfriend and he supports me financially, just as my parents. No kids, no major responsibilities - just taking care of this house. I'm working on weekends to save up some money (traveling did not help with that). But let's face it, there will come a day when I can't keep relying on others and will have to learn independence. It's just fair for those around me to do my best to reach that point as soon as possible.

Up until now I didn't really follow a routine - but I came up with the idea of a masterplan. A girlboss, that-girl, changing my life plan. This blog is part of it - part of me getting back on track (or honestly just getting on track the first time of my life lol). I know this won't reach a big audience, but that's not my goal anyway. I just want to use this as a journal, firstly because I want to document everything (imagine if I actually make it big someday and this blog still exists - talk about a throwback), secondly because I've read somewhere that journaling helps with time management and thirdly because maybe there's someone out there who can relate to my story and learn a thing or two along with me.

In my next post you will read more about that masterplan I mentioned earlier. You're invited to be part of the brainstorming! Thanks for hanging out and reading.

Embrace the journey, embrace yourself. Until next time!💗

[pancakeke]

Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it

I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.

I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis

for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:

Work:

I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later

I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use

I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety

After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.

home/personal life

I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing

often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it

along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try

I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space

I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere

I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills

General

forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.

I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist

there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.

kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.

My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.

I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.

Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.

One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.

I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!

[marchioness-caprina]

Confessions

Pairings : Reader x Bakugou

Writing Style : 1st Person and 3rd Person

Warning : A Lot of Swearing

Word Count : 3639

____________________

Y/n's POV

" I Just don't Know what To do Izuku! You're Telling Me He Likes me but he barely even takes a glance at me! The bad thing is that whenever I try approaching him... Or even expressing my Love for him... He screams bloody murder and roasts me like there's no tomorrow! " I complained as I buried my face within my palms .

I was on the verge of tears simply because of a shitty crush. I felt Izuku's Hand caress my head as He stared down at me with a sympathetic gaze.

" There, There y/n. Let it all out " He muttered making me want to cry even more but I wasn't done venting.

" I've been chasing him ever since we were in middle school! Ironic how I give nothing but love but receive pain instead... I think... I should finally Give up" I whispered the last part and Izuku's movements were put in a halt.

" Really? After everything you've been doing for him? You'll just give up?! That's not you y/n! You're the type of person who fights with everything you've got without losing hope! And that's pretty admirable! I may not be as close with Kaachan as I was before but I know for a fact that he likes you too and is just too... Errr... Umm... How do I say this? Uhh He just has a really big Ego to admit it " He tried lifting my spirit up but I was tired. My heart was tired and I just wanted to... Give up or maybe Just Rest for a couple of weeks.

" Yeah? Well you think pretty Highly of Me Izuku.... But I'm weak too you know and there are battles I must quit.... I'll just try to recollect myself and rest for a few weeks Or so, I'll have to set my Priorities straight too... Ya know... If you get what I mean and all " I chuckled trying to mask the pain and it was futile. Izuku can read me like an open book.

He gave me a solemn look before nodding. This little cinnamon roll is just too kind and understanding, he even accompanied me to this very cafe we were in when he saw me looking down coming out of the Dorms.

" I get it, People need to cool off from time to time " He gave me a small smile and I returned it with a grin.

" Hey! You know there's this Carnival That was set up last week and it's their last day today! I had two tickets and tried inviting Katsuki.... I mean Bakugou Yesterday and he almost blew these tickets away.... It would be a waste if we don't use it so why don't we start my Personal Growth and healing by having Fun!? " I exclaimed and Izuku looked genuinely as excited as me.

" Really!? Sure! I'd like to go! It's been awhile since I actually had fun because of all the Pressure and Stress! " He smiled and I grabbed his hand immediately and dragged him out of the cafe and Off to The carnival we Go!.

_________________

" Man! And Don't even get me started on the Food there! Although the Almight Mascot looked Really Weird it was still fun! " I Beamed as Izuku opened the front door.

" Yeah! And the Fireworks were awesome Too! I'm really glad we hung out today! " He bashfully stated as we simultaneously stepped inside .

" And Where have you two gone to? Maybe you shouldn't have came back if you'd show up in the middle of the damn night " Aizawa sensei suddenly appeared out of nowhere making me and Izuku flinch in shock.

" W-why... Hello there sensei " Midoriya stuttered fear ridden as he glanced down at me.

' Shit we're screwed '

" Guys! I believe it was extremely irresponsible to be gone without a word and come back at an unearthly hour! You could have atleast sent one of us a message or even answered Our calls! So we wouldn't be this anxious of your arrival! " Iida Sped walked towards me and Izuku and that's when we noticed that everyone was still up and gathered in the common room.

" We were so worried about you guys! We thought a villain took you or something! "

" Not cool dude, Aizawa Sensei almost flipped and called out a search team to look for you guys "

" You could have told us before you left "

Came the concerned comments of our classmates. It made my heart swell up with Joy and at the same time Guilt.

" We're so Sorry! " Me and Izuku yelled in Sync bowing our heads.

" It was my fault! I forgot my phone in my room! And Izuku was just accompanying me to a small cafe in town... And I invited him to go have fun at the carnival... To Distress.... I didn't think you guys would be this worried but thank you for worrying about us! " I yelled an apology and Izuku was fast to take the blame.

" No it's my fault! I turned off my phone and left without informing anyone and without thinking of the consequences! Neither me and y/n were aware of the time. We won't do it again! We're sorry guys" Izuku frowned as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

With a sigh Aizawa gave us a stern look scratching the back of his head before speaking.

" Look, this better not happen again or else you two will be in serious trouble. You're lucky tomorrow's a Sunday so No school . Just make sure to say something next time and not disappear without a trace "

" Yes sensei! " Izuku answered while I nodded my head vigorously.

As Aizawa continued his Lecture my eyes drifted towards the crowd of my classmates and what surprised me was that Bakugou was Present. He was awake. Did he actually give a fuck?... No he's probably dragged into this by Kaminari or Kirishima.

After a long 30 minutes of sermon Aizawa sensei finally let us go.

In the end everyone returned to their rooms and Before I went to mine I gave Izuku a Hug as a ' Thank you for being there for me ' and I was unaware of a pair of crimson red eyes staring at us.

_____________

The Next Day

_____________

I heard knocking on my door which forced me to wake up and open the door and to my surprise it was Izuku and Uraraka.

" Morning Guys.... What brings you here? " I yawned blinking my eyes as the two chuckled at my messy appearance.

Bed hair, oversized t shirt and drool on the corner of my lips.

" We came here to invite you for breakfast! Everyone is gathered in the common room! You're a pretty heavy sleeper! Jirou and Momo tried waking you up earlier and there was no answer " Uraraka explained but still, sleep was very much alive in my system and I just gave a lazy nod before hanging again.

" Looks like she's still Tired Uraraka, you go on ahead we'll catch up with you" Izuku offered and Uraraka was fast to jolt away a from us.

" Ok! But you better not let her go back to sleep Deku! Everyone's counting on you to wake her up! " Uraraka yelled as she headed downstairs.

I was swaying back and forth with my eyes half lidded and I had a sudden urge to sleep on the floor.

" Still sleepy? " Izuku asked and fortunately I was still awake enough to give him a nod.

" Wanna get on my back? I'll carry you down stairs so you'll have time to rest " He offered while turning his back against me and bending down.

Without hesitation I fell on his back and subconsciously wrapped my arms around his neck and my head resting on his back.

I felt his scarred hand grip my thighs and he lifted me off the ground and started walking.

Honestly I didn't know how long it took him to get to the common room but I was happy I had a really nice friend to carry me like this.

" Wow, Midoriya when we told you to get Y/n we didn't know you'd actually ' Get ' Her " The familiar Voice of Kaminari commented and I was thankfully awake or more like I forced myself to be awake.

I peeked my eyes at him and stuck my tongue out.

" Yeah you're just jealous cause Izuku is Carrying me " I retorted and Izuku's chest vibrated in a small chuckle.

" You two a Thing Now or something? " Mina grinned pointing at us with her chopsticks.

" No Mina we're not a Thing. We're People " I countered and she gave a light laugh.

" Smart move y/n. Smart move "

" Do you want me to put you down now? " Izuku asked as he looked back at me and I shook my head.

" No, I like being carried by you. You're really warm " I smirked and the poor boy's face overheated with embarrassment.

" Oo~ are you sure you two aren't a Thing? " Uraraka Teased giving me and Izuku a suggestive wink.

" So you're dumping Bakugou for Midoriya or something? " Kaminari crackled with laughter and the whole room fell into a cold silence.

As if everyone knew something I should be aware of.

" Me and Bakugou aren't Dating in the first place, I don't think we'll ever be together too " I confidently stated and I could hear gasps and the shock faces of my classmates didn't go unnoticed.

" S-She called him Bakugou and Not Katsuki! " Mineta Yelled in panic as he stared at me with wide eyes.

Suddenly a loud bang was heard from one of the tables. Specifically the Table Bakugou was on.

He had slammed his hand on the table along with his chopsticks and he was seething with so much anger and... Are my eyes lying? Is that jealousy!?.

" I ain't fucking hungry! " He yelled and stood up violently that the chair fell off.

He started stomping his way towards us. I was never afraid of Him.... Well not until Now atleast.

" Deku " He growled lowly and I could feel Izuku tremble.

Immediately, I got down from his back and when Katsuki was close enough I stepped infront of Izuku.

" Stay Back Bitch! " He hissed and I stood my ground.

" No you Stay back Asshole! What is your problem!? Why don't you mind your own fucking Business! " I snapped harshly poked his Chest with each word I uttered.

He glared at me tiny sparks popping on his palms.

What he said next was something I have never expected him to say.

" You are My goddamn Business You Little Shit! Hanging around with Deku the whole Night making me worry about your shitty ass! And now you're clinging onto him like a stupid fucking Koala! Can't you see how jealous I am!? Can't you drill it in your pretty little head that you're Fucking Mine! " His voice rang through every corner of the common room.

Everyone was silent for a few seconds. My eyes were wide and full of disbelief.

" Finally, Took Him a long time to actually confess... It was kinda getting painful to watch " Kaminari mumbled but it was loud enough for me to hear.

" Dude, it was so manly confessing to her infront of everyone. Bakugou is a true man " Came another comment from one of my classmates, Kirishima.

Katsuki was glaring at me his Chest rising and falling at a visible way clearly indicating how aggravated he was.

His crimson eyes held a lot of swirling emotions, Jealousy, Anger, Betrayal and Possessiveness.

" ..... Excuse you!? " I managed to voice out and he tried grabbing me but I was quick to evade his hand.

" No! And Just when I finally decided to give up on you. You decide to throw all this bullshit infront of me Bakugou Fucking Katsuki! No you listen here you Egotistical Haughty Son of a Bitch! I suffered through every shitty insult and pain you threw my way because I loved you and when I'm at my limit and ready to go you give me this!? all you gave me was pain and honestly I'm not a masochistic bitch to accept it with open arms how but my middle finger huh?!. Damn you and your very confusing and petty way of claiming me! That is not happening! You hear me!? So suck it up Bakuhoe and Go Fuck yourself " I actually felt proud of myself but that was the first time I actually raised my voice or even cursed infront of everyone in the first place so their dumbfounded expression didn't really surprised me.

" Wow.... Your girl's as good at Cursing as you are Bakugou " Sero was the first to comment and that pissed me off.

" I'm not his 'Girl' " I emphasized the girl part with a hint of mockery.

" Yet " Bakugou added making me glare at him.

" Fuck you " I grumbled turning around to walk away in victory thinking I had won the fight.

But before I could even take one step forward I was slung over Bakugou's Shoulder hanging upside down.

" Put me down you Fucking Asshole! " I yelled as he carried me away from the common room.

" Hey! " I grab hold of his blonde hair which was surprisingly soft and gave it a harsh tug which earned me a groan from him.

" Bitch! " He yelled slapping my butt making me gasp.

" I should get you mad more often, That was hot " He commented as if he hadn't just slapped my butt.

The nerve of this fucker.

" Put me down!" I growled as he proceeded to carry me upstairs.

" Now don't think I'm done with you just yet. I have to get my sweet revenge because you hung out with Fucking Deku and let him touch you! " He barked as I felt him tighten his hold on my fleshy thigh.

I tried everything I could, from squirming to kicking to punching his back but the guy is a Fucking wall and didn't even budge.

" Stop it Bitch! Save your energy for later. You're gonna need it " He muttered making me react violently. Until he had enough of it and slammed my back to the nearest wall with his strong muscular arms trapping me I'm between with his body a bit too close to mine.

His face was inches away and I visibly gulped turning my face to the side as his breathe fanned my cheek.

" Bakugou I'm warning you. I'm gonna do something YOU'RE gonna regret if you don't let me go " I had managed to say without stuttering and I mentally Pat myself on the back for my strong tone.

" Fuck it y/n. You really think I'd let you get away after Saying all that shit and defending Deku!? After you hopped onto his back like you're HIS!? Well you're Fucking Mine! You got that!? " He yelled making me groan. His voice was too loud and I think my ears are gonna bleed.

" You asked for it! " I yelled back as I prepared to kick him where the sun don't shine but I didn't even get to raise my leg halfway when he pulled me down by my leg and pressed his body against mine even more.

Right now I had no way of moving with my leg trapped against his thighs holding me in place.

" Oh? Was that your Great Fucking Move? Well it's pretty pathetic so kick and scream all you want. I'm claiming you right now " Using his hand he raked my locks down and gripped onto my hair roughly forcing me to face him and his lips had already connected with mine.

His kiss was rough, dominating with a tinge of passion and jealousy. Moving his lips at a better angle his other hand trailed down to squeeze my hips.

I ressisted. I really did but after awhile of him kissing me I melted. My hands wrapping themselves around his neck my chest squeezed with his toned chest. Both of his hands resting on my waist as I stood on my tippy toes kissing him back with the same intensity.

Opening my mouth to give him access he didn't waste a second to slip his tongue inside my claiming his new domain. His tongue wrestled with my own and soon gaining dominance as he continued the rough kiss.

It was a very angry kiss with lots of jealousy coming from him.

When we finally pulled away breathless and panting his intense crimson orbs pierced mine a smug smirk slowly rigging on the corners of his mouth.

" Still refusing me after that? After you willingly kissed me back? After clinging onto me for dear life? " He was either mocking me or teasing me but either way it pissed me off.

" Katsuki I'm gonna rip your throat off if you keep that up " I glared at him but I guess actions spoke louder than words because my neck was still wrapped around his neck and my body still pressed against his.

" Yeah right and a moment ago you called me Bakugou now look who's calling me Katsuki again " He sneered and I tried retreating my hand away from his neck to push him away but he beat me to it; grabbing my arms and using it as leverage to pull me closer towards him.

" I know I did some pretty fucked up shit. I'm not the best person at expressing these shitty feelings I have for you but I will make it up to you, I'm s-soow.... S-sooo.... Rrr... Eeyyyy " The way he forced out a ' I'm sorry ' got me laughing so hard .

He didn't appreciate that because his cheeks were tinted red form embarrassment and anger.

" You Fucking bitch! Don't laugh at me! I'm trying! " He yelled as I continued laughing.

Yeah, seeing him like that was new and hilarious.

My laughter was cut off when I felt his warm lips press a kiss on my cheek.

He looked to his side his eyes avoiding mine.

" Don't Fucking laugh cause I mean it though.... I'll make it up to you.... " He muttered the faint red color of his cheeks still present.

A smile formed on my lips as I stared at him fondly. A small pinkish tint coating my own cheeks but me being me I ruined the moment with a bitchy remark.

" Yeah why don't you practice saying Sorry first while not sounding like you were about to take the biggest shit of your life " I retorted and because of that I began laughing once again and he was raging. Screaming at me to stop laughing but I couldn't help it. He did deserve it after all.

I'm pretty sure I'll get more of my little revenge in the future....

________

Bonus :

" Deku.... I know you care about those two and You're a hardcore shipper but... What you did though... Was it on purpose? " Uraraka asked taking another bite of her pancakes as they listened to the two bicker.

" Who knows " Izuku answered with a contented smile on his face.

" Huh... You're a bit suicidal for doing that but I respect you man. Bakugou finally confessed it was getting pretty sad to watch him act all tough and pretending he doesn't like her " Sero chuckled.

" Hopefully those two will stay strong from now on... " Momo took a sip of her tea and everyone silently agreed with her.

" So.... Do you think they're Fucking? " Mineta suddenly brought up the topic which caused Tsu to slap him with her Tongue.

" Mineta-kun you're being a pervert again" Tsu muttered staring at the purple headed boy.

" Hahahahha! " Denki and Mina suddenly came down stairs holding a camera.

" You guys wanna see what they were doing upstairs? " Denki asked while laughing.

" Dude, invading other people's privacy is Not manly " Kirishima stated bit he couldn't help but be curious.

" .... What happened though? " Kirishima asked taking a peek at the camera.

" Oh you know, They kissed and Bakugou tried saying sorry but it was an epic fail! " Mina laughed and on cue Y/n came running down with an in raged Bakugou trailing hot on her tail.

" Come Back here! " Bakugou barked trying to grab hold of the girl.

" I was being honest when I said you need practice in saying sorry! You look like you're about to shit Bricks! " She yelled merely avoiding the hand of Bakugou that was centimeters away from holding her.

" Drama and Breakfast in the morning sure is pretty Good. But Drama, Breakfast and Comedy in the Morning is The best! " Denki chuckled watching the two interact.

" Oh boy... I have a feeling everything is going to be a lot more louder here than usual " Izuku sighed .

[heyboke]

SWIPED RIGHT! | Kageyama Tobio x Reader SMAU

0:10 — Pinky Promise and...

NOTE: I understand if some of my readers only prefer the SMAU part, so I made this update flexible so you can still get what’s happening without reading the writing part! Keep in mind that you still have to click on ‘Keep Reading’ to access the following photos!

But, some of the parts can’t be translated through social media screenshots so reading the writing part will really help you understand the characters and what’s happening to the story on a deeper level! ☻

Word Count: 3344 words

YOUR POV

After concluding Bokuto-senpai's non-stop blabbering about the movie he watched last night to procrastinate from studying, the boys were finally able to go to their locker room to freshen up for their long-awaited BBQ Friday.

I decided to wait for them on the bench just outside the gym. Their four hour training went by so fast that when I looked up at the sky, the stars were already twinkling. The cool breeze I only get to enjoy at night hugged my skin as the winds started to lightly gust against my bare sleeves. Ugh, I forgot to bring a hoodie with me tonight.

My thoughts were interrupted as I received Tobio-kun's very random text. It was a very pleasant surprise that unconsciously plastered a huge smile on my face. I was too busy texting him that I didn't even notice the whole team standing in front of me, all ready to go.

"What's that on your phone that's making you grin like the Grinch?" Akaashi asked, trying to subtly take a peek on my phone screen. I immediately locked the device and put it inside the pocket of my sweatpants.

"No need to peek, Akaashi! Let's not waste anymore time... let's go!" I said, jumping out of the bench as the whole team started to walk, carrying on with their small talks.

The gray haired captain stood out since he was ahead of everyone, hopping like a kangaroo while shrieking about how he's been craving for Barbecue for so long now and that he can't believe he finally got the blue check on Twitter.

I was walking alongside Akaashi at the far end side of the group, watching everyone ahead of us with a comfortable silence lingering between us.

"Do you need help with your bag? I can carry it for you." He asked, breaking the silence.

"It's fine, it's fine! I can carry it on my own. Besides, you've already had such a long training. I don't want to burden you with such a small thing." I said, smiling at him to assure him that it's fine.

"Oh, speaking of my bag... hold up," I muttered, stopping on my tracks as I opened my bag to get something.

"What's up?" Akaashi uttered his third question since I saw him outside of the gym. I shuffled through my things until I finally found what I was looking for.

"Aha! Here. I got it while y’all were doing your spiking drills." I said, handing him a slightly chilled bottle of Vanilla protein shake.

"Oh. Thanks, Y/N. It's been a while since you gave me something as boujee as a protein shake. Hmm, someone's loaded today." Akaashi teased, a small smile smothering his gorgeous face. It is an unsaid arrangement between the both of us that I can only give something a little fancy to him, or to anyone, when I have extra savings with me.

"Shut up! I've been saving up for tomorrow for quite some time now. Just... shut up and be grateful for that, Keiji." I said, chuckling as I playfully hit his arm.

"Why? What's so special about tomorrow?" he asked, eyebrows scrunching up together in curiosity.

"Didn't I tell you? To—"

"WE'RE FINALLY HERE!! YAAAY!!!" Bokuto hollered, cutting me off from telling Akaashi about my plans with Tobio-kun, Hinata-kun and my bestfriends for tomorrow. The familiar aroma of savory and mouthwatering meat being grilled, instantly filled my nostrils. I just realized that I've been distracting myself from how hungry I actually am all this time.

"God, I'm so hungry. Y'all were taking so long. If I wasn't on such a good mood, I would've been so hangry by now!" I said, eyes locked on the grilling area on the side of the restaurant where the Barbecue we've been dying to eat is being prepped.

Good thing, Bokuto-senpai already reserved a table for us ahead of time. The short list of things that the simple-minded captain would not procrastinate on would certainly include Volleyball and his favorite food, Barbecue.

Everyone decided to sit down on their desired seat. I felt comfortable sitting at the very far end of the booth’s couch. Since Akaashi and I were already walking side by side, it made sense that he just sat beside me on the couch too.

The rest of the team, and most likely even me, were practically drooling at the sight of barbecue being served to the tables around us. Yukie-san, one of the current managers of the team, is known for her great love for food. She decided to take matters in to her own hands and stood up for everyone. She simply asked one of the servers to follow up our orders.

Some of the third years, Konoha-san, Komi-san and Sarukui-san, were struggling to deal with an impatient Bokuto that was on the verge of going on emo mode.

“Where’s Akaashi? Didn’t he...“ the captain mumbled, pouting as he searched for the setter that was seated beside me.

“Oh, no. Bokuto-san’s Weakness #42. He becomes impractically impatient when people make him wait for his food, most especially when he’s hungry after training.” I hear Akaashi mutter beside me. I looked at him and he seems like Doctor Strange, looking at and calculating the different possibilities of what can happen if the captain won’t be able to get his food anytime soon.

Thankfully, Yukie-san came back to our table with at least two servers holding stacks of Barbecue on their trays, gently placing them on the table in front of all of us. Bokuto-senpai’s eyes lit up, even his hair seemed to perk up in excitement as he saw the Barbecue he’s been dying to eat being served in front of him.

“ALRIGHT, Let’s dig in!! This is in honor of me getting the blue check and a reward for all of us after such a hard training!! WOOHOOO!! Enjoy, everyone!!” the captain cheered, taking at least five chunks of meat in his chopsticks and munching the all down in one go.

No matter how hungry I am, I took the time to look at the team in front of me. The mere sight of them enjoying their food is endearing me. Am I really going to be a part of this wonderful team by next week? Do I really belong here?

I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw green vegetables being plopped down on my plate. I looked up and saw Akaashi putting one last piece of greens on my plate.

“Hey, why are you putting all that? I came here for Barbecue and not vegetables, Keiji.” I mocked him, poking the vegetables he just placed on my plate with my own chopsticks.

“Shush, you have to eat those. Even just a couple. They make you healthier. Plus, if you’re going to be our manager, you can’t be getting sick and frail.” he said, not even sparing a glance at me as he started to eat his own food.

Now this... this is one of his gestures that made me grow really fond of him. Some people might think otherwise but for me, Akaashi is not shy at all. Others often mistake his silence as shyness. When in reality, he only speaks up when he thinks it’s necessary — when he thinks it’s worth it. In fact, he is very frank with his words. He’s the type of person that would call you out when you’re doing something wrong, but he’d also compliment you when you’re doing something right. If one tends to focus more on his expressions, they can be convinced that he’s bland because his face really is usually blank. He only ever shows what he feels through his expressions at very rare occasions. Thus, he shows his feelings most of the time through his gestures; be it a small one or a big one.

“Hmph, fine. I’ll just eat more barbecue with it, so I don’t taste it that much.” I said, wrapping the greens with a chunk of meat. Bokuto-senpai, who’s instantly uplifted by now, overheard what I said.

“That’s what I do too when I need to eat vegetables!!! You’re doing the right thing, Y/N!!” he laughed, as he stuffed more barbecue inside of his mouth. The other third years that were worked up on not letting him slip in to his emo mode earlier, were now having the time of their life beside Bokuto-senpai, laughing at each other as they throw jokes at one another from time to time.

“Y/N?” said someone from in front of me. I looked up and saw that the voice belongs to none other than, Kaori-san, the other current manager of the team. She’s so pretty, oh my gosh.

“H-Hello, Kaori-san. Is there anything I could help you with?” I asked, getting a little conscious about the fact that I’m basically eating like a pig in front of someone so gorgeous.

“Oh, nothing! I just wanted to talk to you, even just for a little bit.” She smiled, eating gracefully like a princess. I could never, lol.

“I’m always down for a talk with you, Kaori-san!!” I gushed. Oh my god, do I sound a little too excited? What if she thinks I’m a crazy fangirl? Oh no.

“You’re so cute! Hahaha, anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts right now about the team manager position because I’d be really be at ease knowing that the team is in good hands after Yukie-san and I graduate.” She said, a hint of sadness was evident after she mentioned the fact that they’re graduating this year.

“Oh, of course... Hm, before I even officially become the manager of this team, I can say that I already have a pretty good bond with them... thanks to this one person,” I nudged Akaashi who was peacefully eating beside me and secretly listening to Kaori-san and I’s conversation. Akaashi-kun, you’re not so slick. I might’ve only known you for a little over three months now, but I can feel it when your ears are trying to listen, despite having your eyes focused on something else.

I continued, “I just know that they have something really special about them. At times, I even get intimidated by their bond because not all teams can easily earn it. It takes a lot of time and everyone’s cooperation as well. With that being said, I just want to make sure that I won’t get in their way or anything. I really am taking things seriously and I’ve also been thinking about it a lot lately. I don’t want to make a hasty decision just because I got blinded with such a big opportunity. It’s a commitment that we’re talking about, not just to myself, but to the rest of the team as well.”

I didn’t even realize that I’ve been blabbering like a little kid in front of Kaori-san.

“The fact that you’re thinking about it this much already says a lot, Y/N. Hell, I didn’t even know it’s possible for me to want you to take this position even more!” she chuckled.

“Your words mean a lot to me, Kaori-san! I’ll make sure to keep it in mind once I make my final decision.” I smiled, stuffing my mouth with one of the green vegetables on my plate and Barbecue.

The warmth and liveliness around the table never died down all through out the meal. We even found the gray-haired captain standing up and doing an imitation of this one funny video he watched as a kid. The trays and plates on the table were now empty, while our stomachs were full and satisfied.

“HEY, HEY, HEY!!! Let’s go to arcade now!! Yoohoo!!” Bokuto-senpai started to hop around while flailing his arms in the air, ready to go to this arcade nearby this restaurant. He was so close to leaving the doorway when one of the servers came up to our table.

“Uhm, ma’am and sir, I double checked it on the system but... you haven’t paid for your meals yet,” the server was sheepish on approaching us. She was having a hard time looking at us in the eyes. She’s probably new here.

Everyone stood there in shock and embarrassment, except for Konoha-san and Komi-san who dragged Bokuto-san back inside to pay for our meals.

“OH... I’m so sorry!! I forgot, I didn’t mean to not pay!!” the captain sincerely apologized, quickly paying for everything we ate.

Upon entering the arcade, I couldn’t help but feel giddy and excited. The air inside the arcade just makes me feel alive and want to play games there all day. People around our age and some kids filled the place. Some of them are on dates, while most of them were just hanging out with each other.

The team scattered into groups as they went to the games that best fit their liking. The captain can be seen inside a Zombie-killing booth. His hands are already holding the fake gun inside, ready to unleash his inner warrior because according to him, he always trained himself for an apocalypse that can happen in the future. Some of the third years, like Yukie-san and Kaori-san along with some of the spikers, can be seen on the bowling area.

I rushed to the counter in the middle to get myself tokens and cards to play the games. The air hockey table caught my attention the moment we stepped in the arcade. I was about to swipe my card to play, when I realized I didn’t have anyone to play it with. How much dumber can I get? I obviously can’t play this by myself.

“Go for it. I’ll play with you,” a voice I know too well spoke behind me. I didn’t realize that I kind of ditched him as soon as I got too caught up in excitement with the arcade.

“Okay. Bring it on, Keiji! Don’t you dare go easy on me!” I exclaimed, swiping the card and grabbing the air hockey paddle on the table. My competitive side was showing as I poured my energy in each stride at the puck and attempts to block it from shooting inside my side of the goal.

After a few rounds of air hockey and a little bit of Basketball, where I took a hard L because I was against a well-trained and balanced athlete that shot the ball like it was nothing, I decided to go for a game where I thought I had a bigger shot at winning. I scanned through the games again and my eyes landed on this one game that I knew I’d win against someone like Akaashi.

“Dance Dance Revolution? I never played this game all my life and now you’re asking me to play it with you right now?” he whined, uneasiness showing as he spoke. I felt a little sad, but I didn’t want him to force him on doing something he doesn’t want to do.

“Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to do it. I just really thought it’d be nice to play this with somebody.” I looked down, speaking softly. I hear him take a deep breathe.

“Fine... just one round.” he said. I was so thrilled. I bounced around and swiped my card on the machine. We stepped on the dancing area with the arrows under our feet and got ready to play the game. I chose a dance that was moderately difficult, keeping in mind that by doing so, I’ll increase my chances of winning. It was going really well at first. By looking at Keiji on my peripheral vision, he wasn’t even that bad. I guess the footwork training they do on Volleyball also helps him. Ugh, is there something he can actually suck at?

The most complex part of the dance started and I was slowly panicking. My score was higher, but only by a little. I was getting lost in the game that I didn’t even notice that I stepped at a faulty angle and twisted my ankle.

I winced in pain as I lost my balance and held on the metal bar behind me for support. Akaashi was alarmed as soon as he saw my current state.

“Hey, I’m fine, really. What’s that look on your face, Akaashi?” My poor attempt to chuckle was horrible. I tried to stand up, but the pain I felt on my ankles were stronger than my will to prove Akaashi that I was fine. He rapidly moved away from the game and found himself beside me, checking my, most likely, sprained ankle.

“Okay, it doesn’t look that bad but you can’t work yourself up for a while. I’ll take you home. No more ifs and buts. I’ll just text Bokuto-san and the rest of the team about what happened and that we had to leave sooner than expected.” he sternly said.

The next thing I knew, he was walking me to my house. I found myself on his back, arms wrapped around his chest and legs clung on his waist as he held the side of my thighs for extra support.

The same stars that greeted me while I was waiting for them outside the gym earlier were present as I looked up again at the sky. With that, the same cold breeze of the night blew against my skin. I tried not to shiver, but it was useless since Akaashi felt that I was getting chilly because I was shaking a little.

He stopped on his tracks as he gently put me down on the sidewalk. I was feeling confused until I saw him taking his jacket off and offered me to take it.

“I noticed you were starting to get a little chilly, so here. Take it.” he said. I didn’t even hesitate anymore as I wore his jacket. I felt so much better and we started walking again while he gave me a piggyback ride.

I let out a yawn as I started to feel my eyelids getting heavier and my breathing going slower. I didn’t even know when it happened, but I just know that along the way, I fell asleep on his shoulders.

AKAASHI’S POV

I found myself in front of your house and I knocked on the door. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been here, so your mom let me in as soon as she saw me. I told her about what happened and gave her some tips that will help you recover faster. Given that I was not new to these injuries, I knew exactly what to do.

I opened the door to your room and I softly put you down on your bed. I got some pillows that will help on elevating your sprained ankle and tucked you to bed.

You looked so peaceful. You looked so beautiful.

I’ve always been blunt about what I see and feel about everything. So, why is it that I can’t tell you about these feelings that I feel solely for you?

I wish I can tell you that all your little gifts and efforts for me never go unappreciated.

I know that you’ve recently been growing closer to somebody else. I’m not oblivious about it. I know you, Y/N.

I just hope that it’s not too late by the time I finally build up the courage to tell you about these feelings.

I gave your forehead a soft kiss, before I finally got up and left your room.

YOUR POV

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I was already in the comfort of my own room. I checked my phone and saw that it was 2AM. I looked down on my feet and saw that my ankle was really sprained and that I wasn’t just dreaming about it.

I let out a sigh as I remember that Tobio-kun, Hinata-kun, Best Boy Yams and Saltyshima were coming over here later.

Why the fuck did I have to sprain my ankles on the worst day possible?

☆ PARTS ☆

A/N: Here goes my first actual write up in this blog! I would really love to hear your thoughts about it! Stay safe and healthy, lovelies! ♡

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