#I've talked with my therapist about my own tension with my day job and my art

[artufex]

He's another Internet rando and aspiring cartoonist's (longwinded) opinion:

I think your artwork and storytelling are great. I've said before how much reading Rigsby Jeordie's story has been really relatable and cathartic as a queer black kid in rural America (though I was from the South, not the Midwest). I am also really invested in Cheap Thrills Jeordie's story and how it ends. I'm also a lot more invested in Beth, Anna, Eric, and everyone else in RWI than I was in CT (no digs at CT, I just think you've become an even better storyteller over time).

Beyond that, I'm really sorry there hasn't been as much of an audience overlap between the furry and the human stuff. It sucks when artists get pegged by others into a niche that may not fit where the artist wants to go.

It always takes hard work and dedication, and you've got that in spades, but there is a bit of luck too. Luck on finding your audience, luck in appeasing "the algorithm", luck in finding the fans zealous enough to share your work, luck with getting fans who can afford to support you monetarily.

And I'm not saying you're taking any of that for granted, I don't think you are, but I'm pointing out that a lot of our individual successes come from circumstances outside of our control. You do what you can and hope to get the recognition you deserve.

That can be demoralizing, but it's also freeing in that we can just focus on what we can control: trying to self advertise, encouraging others to share our work, and, most importantly, enjoying the process of making art.

I think it's impossible to not care about numbers while living in a capitalist system. Our livelihoods are tied to spending some, typically large fraction of our finite lifetimes laboring to generate "value" and receiving a portion of that value as wages. We're socialized to see everything as monetizable and to validate our worth through capital or attention that we can translate into capital (for ourselves but mostly for platform owners and advertisers--which is why we're seen as "content producers" and not artists). If something isn't profitable or isn't popular, it's not worth doing.

That's how we're incentivized to think, but that kind of thinking is the death of artistry. That's why I think it's really important to try and focus on the joy of creation and the satisfaction of a job well done. What's the point in having a popular comic if you hate making it? If the focus is making profit, why not focus on something more reliably profitable like the assured income of a steady day job? Forgive me if I'm overstepping, but I think you keep making stuff because there's something you want to express, something that only you can do in the way that you do it. And, of course, making any money at all from something you enjoy doing certainly helps.

For my part, I love CT and that was why I initially became a Patron, but I also love RWI and now I'm here for both projects. I want to see the stories you're telling, but more than anything I want you to be invested in telling these stories, because those emotions, that investment permeates your work and, IMO, makes it worth reading and worth telling people about.

There's a lot of things in life that we have to do. I really hope that you don't come to see Cheap Thrills, or furry art, or any art (besides commissions) as an obligation to anyone but yourself. Or that Rigsby, WI is somehow worth less than CT or other comics because it's not as popular as CT was/is. I would hate it if your passion died, or if you quit posting art. I don't know you personally, but because you are a person, I think both you and your work are valuable, separate from the money and attention your work receives.

Again, as an internet rando and a fellow artist, I don't expect my words to fix anything, but I hope you'll consider that popularity and profitability may not be synonymous with artistic value or a cartoonist's skill.

I’m starting to think my comics might be bad, and not even in an interesting way. Just boring writing with mid art

[rebecca-rocket]

My Experience with Pelvic Floor Therapy

I was over two years post-partum from my second child before I finally said to my OBGYN, "hey, things just aren't going back to normal. I regularly do core exercises and I feel like I'm doing kegels correctly, but… maybe I'm not!" She told me to ask my primary care doctor for a physical therapy referral.

I had heard about pelvic floor physical therapy before, in magazine articles and web searches. But it always sounded like the extreme solution. Like, wasn't I supposed to be able to "return-to-normal" on my own after having a baby? Didn't most women?

The answer is… probably not.

The Problem Is That Bad

This is one of those grey areas that we tend not to talk about because it makes some folks uncomfortable. Or because -- like me -- there's a misconception that the "extreme" solution isn't what we need. Maybe, like me, women tell themselves that their problem "isn't really that bad" or is "normal."

Now that I've been doing pelvic floor physical therapy, I can tell you -- the problem is that bad, it doesn't have to be normal, and the solution isn't extreme. Actually, the solution should be more widely available (and is, in other countries).

If you can't cough, sneeze, jump, or walk downhill quickly without having an issue… you shouldn't just live with it. Some women I've talked to can't laugh either. And on the gross end of the spectrum, let's not talk about how bad it is when you have a stomach bug….

These problems are really common. The more women I mentioned my therapy to, the more confessed to me that they had similar issues. In fact, the estimate is that 1:4 women have pelvic floor dysfunction. Which means, you probably know several women who have it too.

The (Not-Extreme) Solution

I'm now 10 weeks into physical therapy and it hasn't been at all like what I expected. I had a lot of misconceptions, actually.

I always thought physical therapy was primarily for people with sports or muscle injuries or who were recovering from serious illnesses like strokes. I pictured it a lot like the movies with people struggling to walk and breaking down in tears. But, to date, I have not seen anyone crying in physical therapy in 20 sessions… except myself. And that has been out of frustration… with myself.

Unlike the movies, my therapy office is kind of like a more comfortable carpeted gym filled with exercise equipment, massage tables, and bizarre props that help with a plethora of muscle tensions. There are always several sessions going on at once, and everyone is very cheerful and supportive (which kind of makes me feel worse, when I cry. heh.)

My therapist is similar to a workout trainer, cheering me on, setting my pace, pushing me to try harder, and correcting me when my posture or positioning are wrong. But, most importantly, she is non-judegmental, encouraging, and… this is what she does for a living.

We regularly think to hire professionals to fix things like our roofs or faucets, but we tend not to hire them to fix our bodies. My therapist's job is to improve people's quality of life by helping them regain (actual) normal function of their bodies. I only wish I'd thought to reach out to a professional earlier.

The First Stages of Therapy

My first few sessions focused on relaxing. Literally just relaxing. That was transformative to me.

See, this whole time, I had assumed I wasn't using my muscles correctly or that they weren't strong enough. But it turns out that was only half of the story. The other half is that my body wasn't allowing my muscles to work correctly and get stronger.

I'm not a doctor or a therapist, so I'm not going to get into all the muscle names and structure and so on, but essentially a lot of muscles in my body were super tense from compensating for the muscles that weren't functioning correctly. To strengthen the weak muscles, I first needed to relax the over-worked muscles.

So for several weeks, I did breathing and stretching exercises twice a day at home and twice a week with my therapist. People always talk about breathing and the benefits of things like restorative yoga. And… I am not a relaxer (ask anyone), but this process really pointed out where my tension was. In fact, it even explained my bruxism! (Did you know that pelvic floor and jaw muscles are connected?!)

Once my muscles were more relaxed and we could target strengthening exercises, I had another revelation: my walking stance has been wrong… potentially my whole life.

Everything is Connected; a Judo Therapy Session

I had a Judo Therapy session a few months before I started physical therapy. Don't know what Judo Therapy is? I didn't either! It was a random recommendation from a humidity system installer who claimed Judo Therapy eliminated his limp. When I looked into the posture and alignment correction it could do, I said, "I have to try that."

My Judo Therapy session was the first time I realized that all of the muscles in my body are way more connected than I thought they were. The Judo Therapist would ask me to move my arm, observe my motion, then press on (what I thought was) a non-related muscle in my back or neck… and suddenly my arm would move easier than it had been. I was shocked. The before and after photos of my posture and neck mobility are crazy. He didn't take a photo of my hip alignment, but that had been off too.

The Judo Therapy session was great and I was sent home with homework to fix my sleeping position, sitting position, and walking stance. I did well with the first two pieces: I retrained myself to fall asleep on my back and I no longer cross my legs while I sit… but the walking stance, I wasn't able to really work on that until the pelvic floor therapy. And it suddenly all made sense why once I started physical therapy.

A Random Pain

I've had a random, re-occuring pain in my mid-back. It's gotten worse since having kids. It's just below my rib cage. Nothing I've done (stretching, massage, the Judo therapy) has ever made it go away. It has diminished from time to time (especially after a good massage or the Judo Therapy) but it's never been completely gone.

This pain is the main thing I was hoping the Judo Therapist would fix. But it turns out he was just one domino. This pain is related to my walking stance, which is caused by poor posture, which is caused by improper muscle use in my abdomen, back, and legs… The very things I am working on in pelvic floor physical therapy. Because, as I said above, everything is connected.

The Continuing Stages of Therapy

My strengthening exercises do contain core exercises -- so I wasn't wrong to focus on that prior to therapy. But they also contain glutes, adductors, quads, and the pelvic floor muscles themselves. And now that I'm nearing the final stages, they include a lot of movement while exercising pelvic floor muscles (think jumping, stepping, hopping… all while contracting). Sometimes the sequence to get the exercise correct is very frustrating (hence the afforementioned crying).

In one of my more frustrating sessions, when I confessed to my therapist that things were going a lot slower than I wanted them to, she said to me, "Rebecca, if this was going to be easy, you wouldn't have needed physical therapy." She also reminded me that, like anything you learn, you learn at your own pace. So, there is no quick or slow because you shouldn't be comparing yourself to anyone else. See what I mean about the encouragement?!

My exercises, like the stretches, are to be done twice a day at home and twice a week in therapy. This is very tiring and time consuming. However, it's also worth it. I miss the early days of the breathing and relaxing, but I'm also glad to sneeze, jump, and cough without an issue. Even if I feel like it is taking forever to solve my problems 100%.

My Conclusions

I really wish I had hired a professional sooner! Hahaha.

In a few weeks, I will "graduate" from therapy, back to normal, with better quality of life, and improved walking stance, to boot. The random pain should be banished, my bruxism will be diminished, and I'll be ready to go back to the Judo Therapist for a progress check-in. Who'd have thought the one admission to my OBGYN would have helped to solve so much?

I also learned, in my repeated life's lessons:

I don't need to suffer through this alone.

I should evaluate my preconceptions to figure out if they are misconceptions.

My experience can help other people.

Hopefully, if you or someone you know is suffering from pelvic floor dysfunction, this story will inspire you -- or them -- to get some help!

[risingleomoon]

Let's Talk About What Happened at The Selfie Room

While my time there may have been short, working at The Selfie Room was its own saga in my life. I'm not writing this now in reflection, I understand exactly what the purpose of this position was. It's when I think back to everything surrounding that purpose that made me decide to go public. So here it is, my six week training on "get what you came for and get back out."

The Selfie Room sits quietly on the corner of 14th and Washington, an eleven minute walk from my loft. It was meant to be part-time, a fun gig around Starbucks. I was still living in Imperial when I was hired and had every intention of staying put. My life was on track. Finally. From the moment I interviewed with him, I understood Levi (my new boss) would be someone elevated to the high rank of "partner" before long. I only wish I'd had a clearer view of the "how". Three days of training proved both my intuition and the cards correct: this man went to bat for me, days after meeting me. He ensured I was approved for my loft after the Super Secret Starbucks Separation and he was the first person I shared the news with when I was approved. The day after I signed my lease, I went to work full-time for The Selfie Room, making Levi and I pretty much inseparable for several weeks. We laughed, we played, we cleaned the balls together. Life was good. Until it wasn't.

After the owner returned for the flip (closing the studio to set up the new themes for a season), there was obvious tension. It wasn't my business to know why Christa was walking around like her dog just died (I was told later it was because her husband caught her cheating) but the owner decided "therapist" was in my new job description. Just us girls, I got the skinny on how much she disliked her co-owner, Erika and how The Selfie Room in Miami was failing (spoiler: it later closed). I heard about how her husband is Erika's brother and only supports her, not Christa; his wife. Truthfully, I was stunned into silence. I mean, I've had bosses get close to me and tell me personal stuff but not like this. Most certainly not the second time I ever saw them. My guess is she hoped to build a rapport so I listened. Within days, the flip was over and she was back to Florida (presumably to save the failing Miami studio). At this point, I'm finishing my training. It had been sporadic due to my moving and the flip. I had almost earned my key but was still missing a few lights. That, and Levi and I genuinely enjoyed working together. We also had a third employee, Mon. Mon, like Levi, was first seen as a non-threat. A flamboyant gay man I enjoyed cracking jokes with during the flip but we had never actually worked a shift together. We worked exactly one and it would be the second to last shift any of us would work there again.

(Please note: much of the following is taken directly from my official report)

The day I worked alone with Mon, I arrived at about 2:25 and opened the studio. When Mon came at just after 2:30, he proceeded to sit down and start eating, ignoring me completely. I asked him to check the lights as it was my first day opening alone. He looked up and said "looks good", proceeding to eat. I went about opening, logging in and such. Around 3 pm, Mon was still eating so I unlocked and opened the door. I then asked him to work on some content for our social media. I attempted to show him the Google calendar outline per Christa's plan to which I was told by Mon "Look, I had to train everybody. Levi don't know. Christa don't know" and ignored me showing him the preferred rooms outlined. He finished eating around 3:15 and informed me that he was leaving to pass out Snake Day fliers. I was alone until around 4:15 when he came back. When he returned, he decided we would close the studio to take a smoke break. I disagreed and remained in front of the studio while he went around to the alley/parking lot on the other side and lit a Marijuana joint the size of a human finger. I proceeded to smoke my cigarette while he smoked half of his joint. During this time I was informed that he "always does this, Christa don't care" and that he had to "train Levi, cause Levi don't know" (I am unaware what he meant by repeatedly saying this about Levi). He was also telling me about how people are all "stupid, hypochondriacs" and describing his medical issues in great detail, saying he doesn't have Monkey Pox. I am again unsure of why he would say these things. It's clear to me by this point that Mon is a wannabe street thug who is very likely going to find himself unalived by someone he has deeply offended. That someone is not me, but I'd defend them in court. I get it. This kid is … But I digress.

When we reentered the studio, I again asked him about creating content as well as passing the message that Levi instructed him to make the days calls. Mon sat on the front bench and watched TikTok, telling me he was "looking for sounds". I then decided to drop off my own Snake Day fliers around places I have spoken to. I was gone all of 10 minutes, leaving him still on the front bench and explaining what I was doing; specifically saying "stay here and get your sounds, when I get back you can go film". When I returned, the front door was still open and Mon was filming in the back of the studio. The iPad was on the counter. Right there. Screaming "please steal me!". He proceeded to film 2 stories for the studio for until around 6:30 when he then sat and began watching himself until beginning to clean before close at 7:30. During this entire time we had a call about an online booking where the website was changing the prices. I asked Mon for help multiple times and was ignored untilI called Levi. It was after that incident that we again went out for a smoke break where Mon finished the large Marijuana joint he had brought. At no point did I feel supported as a co-worker and at no point did he act in a professional manner. During our one walk in, he took their information for the booking and then just sent them in with no run down. I ended up filing a report with Levi and the owners. I was concerned for the business and wished to advise that I am not comfortable working alone with Mon as he does not value the safety of the studio or of others. Fast forward to the next day, when we are all due in together.

September 10th, 2022 will not be forgotten quickly. I arrived at The Selfie Room at about 2:25 for my 2:30 shift. I performed opening duties alone. Levi arrived shortly after I'd finished and informed me we would be having a meeting when Mon arrived at 4. At 3:17 I left to return home and retrieve a package from my lobby. I returned to The Selfie Room at 3:37. Mon arrived at 4:09. I specifically noted the times on my Fitbit Versa because I was also conversing with my 11 year old daughter via text and her messages came up on my wrist unit. When he arrived, he called out to me and I stepped outside where he offered me a joint. I refused. Levi was sitting at the red table beside the window, facing out of the front door, which was open when this occurred. Mon then came in, logged me out of Peak and proceeded to override the music we had set. In short, he acted like he was in charge. At 4:17 Levi motioned for the camera activation and began our meeting. We discussed that no one leaves without consent from Levi, smoke breaks are not to be taken together and that social media posts can take no longer than 20 minutes to make. Levi then informed us that he would be leaving for the day. Before he left he told Mon that I would be running bookings and he, Mon, would be making calls. There was a confrontation which I recorded in two clips. Mon was aggressive in his attitude with Levi which prompted ne to begin recording. When Levi finally did leave, I informed him of Mon having offered me a joint when he arrived and I was told the police would be informed. When I returned to The studio, Mon was on the phone with Christa (remember Christa?) I did not hear detail. As I waited further information or instruction, Mon continued sitting at the desk. He called a few people and took one walk in, which he did not run down. During this time he also made one booking, 2 adults, and billed them as students. The police arrived between 5:30 and 6pm at which point I no longer observed the time.

In a span of four hours, Mon had blown the place up. I was terrified and not feeling particularly reassured. I'm avoiding being in the studio, or sitting as near to the door as possible because this man is clearly off his chain. I've got a little girl at home, no way is this place where I die.

Levi arrived with two police officers and told Mon he was terminated. I stood and moved to block the opening to the back of the studio as we had two customers back there at the time. Mon began screaming about discrimination and that I needed to be fired for "taking 5 cigarette breaks out front" as well as calling both Levi and myself various slurs. Mon then called Christa and I asked if I could check on our customers, which I was told to do. As I walked to the back I heard Mon telling someone (I did not know he was still on the phone with Christa and could no longer see our front area) that Levi was a (very nasty thing I will not repeat here). I immediately rushed to the customers to ensure they did not hear any more. There was more yelling and loud stomping as Mon was finally escorted out of the building. I returned to The front where I witnessed Mon continuing to tell all of Washington Ave that Levi is a known (same thing, still not saying it). I then observed Levi on the phone with Christa. He was walking her through what he was watching. His face changed from his usual all business to horrified as she asked if there was any truth to Mon's claims.

After Mon left, Levi continued to discuss the incident with Christa on the phone, clearly getting more and more upset with her. I'll be honest, I kinda checked out at that point. This all went so far beyond my scale of understanding. I was caught somewhere between freeze and fight. Instinct telling me "don't get ded" while my soul was screaming to knock this fucker out with a Selfie stick if he dared come back. We waited. At closing, we made no hesitation and took off. Levi drove me the few blocks home, just in case. As to what we'd do now? We weren't entirely sure about that either. At not one point did either of the owners call us. No one checked in. No one let us know what was happening with Mon and the police. We were due into the studio the next day and no comment from the peanut gallery down in Miami.

I was willing to put fear aside for this job I loved with my new bestie as my boss. Money aside, I'd never again have an opportunity to ever truly be me in a work environment after this. To work with a real partner and enjoy my place. I knew that. I also know to listen to what lives beyond the fear. Fear exists to protect us. When you listen to it, when you find the root, you can break down the fear until it's manageable. I do this instinctively, otherwise I'd run from everything and anything. I also never quit out of fear. It's a die hard and steadfast rule. So is sticking to my values and doing the right thing.

When Mon threw his baseless accusations at Levi, we could have battled them. Unfounded, slander, and libel. An easy win in any court. Over, done with, tout finis. But when Levi was on the phone with Christa after Mon finally left, she had the audacity to ask if it were true, to suggest that even one iota were fact; when Christa dared turn defensive on her own behalf instead of supporting her general manager, it was over. This disgusting excuse for a human being expected that we would just waltz back in, la de da, and go back to work for a meager paycheck. After that? I can only presume some people have their idiot switch on at all times. Furthermore, neither Christa nor Erika reached out to me until after Levi filed his resignation. Fortunately, I'd already been made aware as Levi and I stayed in constant communication. At which point, these homegirls actually thought I was going to solo their whole operation. Both started calling to check on my "mental wellbeing". I basically called them both stupid and told them I was not taking over the entire studio while they continued their losing battle to keep Miami open. Like I said, idiot switch. Instead, I agreed to close the studio "temporarily" and re-evaluate over the weekend. I didn't really need that time. The decision was made. The time they gave me only served to validate my reasons. What Christa did and said to Levi was so very wrong. I can understand exactly why he would refuse to remain employed by such people. Clearly these were not business owners who were going to support us in any capacity. Someone had to stand by Levi. It should have been all of us but Marsha Linehan has taught me that there are no shoulds. It wasn't going to be all of us. It was going to be none of us if it wasn't me.

In the end, Christa decided to return to St. Louis and Levi and I walked in together to return store property. She had the balls to ask me if I was resigning and why. Why? Really? I told her it was because she even had to ask why. I never saw her again and I don't want to. This remains one of the only times when a situation was not presented to "teach' me something. This job was a gift from the universe and inside its odd packaging was a partner in life and friendship forever. I was approved for my loft because of Levi, I moved Downtown and began an entirely new adventure because this one job gave me a person who accepted me. Working alone in the studio was not what I moved here for. Being the lion my dad raised me to be is. I resigned because I was called to right a terrible wrong. I am also called to understand that I may never be allowed to correct many of my own misdeeds, but perhaps through action like this, I can still find retribution and earn the friendship of more amazing humans like Levi. I'm obviously no longer at The Selfie Room. I no longer care who knows why. Someone has to talk, to tell. It may as well be me.

[elytrafemme]

What day is it... hmmm... let me check my calendar.... Yep! Just like I thought, it's mare makes me scream at my laptop day! :D I felt several things, mostly pain, and now I must discuss how I feel about these things! And how is that you ask? Well, lucky for you I'll answer this with my usual LEQ lengthed response! I'll start with the Jack and Tubbbi scene! I thought this was great, because not only did it explain why Jack was into nfts, but it also gave some great insight to his character. As a person, I previously thought of cs!Jack as basic-run-of-the-mill dude bro with an average moral compass. But after reading this chapter, I actually sympathized with him and wanted to give the poor dude a hug! You are very good at making your characters sympathetic and I can't wait to see what else you do with non-main characters later on! Though, during this section I was also very much in pain simply due to the fact that- TUBBO YOU DONT NEED TO BE THE GROUP THERAPIST YOU ARE NOT ESPONISBLE FOR YOUR FRIENDS CONFLICTS- Dude, maybe, just maybe, it isn't healthy to only focus on others issues and tension whilst blatantly ignoring your own!! Why does he do this, AHABIBSSNKJANKnKJNSINA (I know why he does, he's literally said his reasoning in past chapters) But DUDE, I can't get over just how little Tubbo values himself as an individual, its so consistent and his insistence on being "useful" to others is done so well here! Anyway, this section was nice, but as a cs!Tubbo enjoyer it slightly enraged me /POS.

Now it's time to talk about the ever loveable clingyduo, though they should probably change their duo name to Denial duo because... good lord. You mentioned that you wrote Tommy specifically his expression of his more negative emotions as sporadic, and feel you did a great job here! The tension builds so quickly because of the ways Tommy responds to trauma or to protect himself, and then in turn ends so quickly because Tubbo cares more about defusing the situation and preventing conflict. This really made the scene feel more stressful, plus shows the use of Tubbo's argument/conversation "survival methods" even if this was with Tommy. Of course, Tommy was completely valid in the way he responded to Jack and Tubbo, but the way Tubbo almost immediately gives in after they start arguing shows to me anyway that Tubbo felt unsafe in that situation and has so little he truly wants to share. The conversation just ends with so much that he leaves unsaid because Tubbo cares about a lot of people, Jack included, and even if he doesn't want to admit it or argue against Tommy here, the ashes are still hot even though the fire was put out and Tubbo just ignores the fact that he disagrees. The way you write clingyduo is so interesting to me because despite knowing each other so well, the little details on what Tubbo refuses to say leaves me begging for more and screaming in my bedroom. In other words, this section was also nice but as a cs!Tubbo enjoyer, it slightly enraged me /POS (x2). Next on my (gay) agenda is talking about the main man himself, Tubbo! I have several things to say about him, one of the more important things being, BSFBENDWKNDLKQKDBKNDWAKNDJKX- Because MY GUY, FOR THE LOVE OF BOTH YOUR AND MY MENTAL HEALTH YOU NEED A THERAPIST! Where do I begin with him? How about the whole few paragraphs of Tubbo not understanding why Ranboo stayed by him after his confession because loving him is a burden and he doesn't deserve it?!?!?! Every Tubbo pov chapter is something I've coined as "Heartbreaking Via Intense Anger" because his sections always make me want to punch him, pay for his therapy appointments, and scream at the same time. And they're always so many different layers to this in Tubbo's chapters! He continued the denial of his adoption which only further expresses the idea that he doesn't think he deserves a family, which is then made worse by the fact that he thinks his alcoholism makes him undeserving of any support. That's just wonderful! Then all the suicidal ideation in this chapter that came in the form of him thinking he shouldn't have even been born in order for the world to better, which totally didn't make me scream into my hands whilst reading this! And of course, how could I forget to mention the whole "Tubbo shouldn't still be grieving..." excerpt, because that had me seething. At Tubbo's core, he hates himself over things he can't control, that are normal, or for simply not being perfect. The level of consistency you use in writing Tubbo's character is just amazing because I can link almost every decision or thought Tubbo's had to one of his forms of self-hatred. And although the writing was once again very nice, as a cs!Tubbo enjoyer it enraged me /POS (x3)

And now for the homophobic agenda, or should I say this chapter's beeduo? All jokes of course, but making me have to read all of this...? Hmmmmm.... Seriously though, at the start of this chapter Tubbbo was continuously the trend of unknowingly queer platonically pinning over Ranboo, and I was thrilled! That is until you decided to make their sections...mean. All the text conversations felt really sad, you nailed the accuracy of dead conversations and I could also clearly see both Ranboo's nervousness and Tubbo's disappointment through the messages. And increasing my turmoil tenfold, you decided to write that scene at the bakery near the end which was- so good, but at the expense of my happiness. As soon as I realized Ranboo wasn't going to be there, I verbally went, "Oh, no..." and sighed into my desk. The fact that Ranboo is so obviously hiding so much about himself and what he's doing from Tubbo makes this so much worse, especially since he just shared so much about himself. And even though the reader knows that this is all most definitely because of Dream, Tubbo.. doesn't. He thinks it likely could be Dream, but since this happened after he told Ranboo everything- he thinks it's because of him. More excellent characterization in regards to Tubbo being "logical" but him feeling rejected coming first, it just goes to show that he isn't the robot he thinks he is and thinks he should be in these moments. And then having the opportunity later to see Ranboo but simply not taking it, and Ranboo not texting back in the end? UAUDNIUSNILANILSNK- I LOVE DRAMATIC IRONY!!! It was all so heartbreaking and well written, but once again as both a cs!Tubbo enjoyer and a cs!Ranboo enjoyer it enraged me to great levels /POOOOSSS (x4)

You get better and better with your characterization, imagery, and dialogue, with every new chapter and I'm already so excited for the next one and to see where all this wonderfully built tension goes! You say that you are excited when you see my name in your ask box, but the same goes for me too! Every time I see your name in my notifs I get so happy :] Thank you for the wonderful new chapter, have a wonderful day or night, and as a bonus enjoy this little cs!Ranboo doodle I made <333

galaxy LEQs are my favorite LEQs bless <333

im happy i can make cs!jack sympathetic; what i wanted to do with his character up until this chapter is very much paint him to be the way you described thinking of him initially, this sort of shallow person that has questionable interests and is kind of easy to poke fun at bc he's always in on the joke. i wanted this chapter to be jarring because this is also the first time that cs!tubbo is really seeing a lot of these issues in cs!jack, and there's another few scenes i have thats going to ease this so that this jump doesnt feel so jarring and explain stuff. but im really happy ppl like cs!jack he means a lot 2 me :D

tubbo and ranboo both share this issue in the fic of being mediators or trying to problem solve, but i think what ranboo does is a lot more of creating problems that arent there and putting responsibility on himself to solve them (at least ive tried to push in that direction albeit i think i could have set that characteristic up better). meanwhile tubbo seizes existent opportunities and thinks that he has to be the ultimate comforter otherwise he doesnt have worth. <//3

i absolutely LOVE how you analyzed the clingyduo scene bc that's exactly what i was hoping to show! it's complicated bc tubbo isnt much of an arguer, it's a quality he notes in himself later with wilbur, he knows when to back off. the problem is he backs off too soon and is scared to press some things, and that creates friction with tommy who is inherently a very good person but needs to have some pushback in what he does bc he honestly isn't very used to having it in a healthy way from someone who cares about him. so it gets messy and i think u put it in a very good way yourself :]

hearing that ANYTHING i write is consistent is a massive fucking compliment bc i always struggle with that so genuinely tysm<33 yeah tubbo has a LOT of self hatred in him and its just. the hard thing about being surrounded with people going through shit is through no fault of anybodys its kind of hard to piece together how people feel about you and how genuine they are. its not ranboo's fault that he's distanced so far from tubbo due to his own bullshit, not inherently, but it sends tubbo a really weird message about what their interactions have meant. and etc. its just difficult for tubbo who has always been convinced that hes doomed, getting cues from the world that he somehow isnt and yet he still feels abandoned.

see my least favorite scenes of cough syrup to write is honestly a lot of ranboo's arc right now so it makes it feel worth it that people appreciate the effect it has on the story overall :') the two of them slowly distancing is important to me especially looking at their characters, tubbo is someone hwo has been able to hold onto friends for a while yet never let them wholly in, but ranboo ... hasnt had that kind of consistency. so it makes sense that w the way their lives are there is a lot of turbulence there, frustration from tubbo who is used to hearing other peoples shit and not taling about his own getting all that subverted, and stress from ranboo to navigate something hes literally never had before. like hes had niki and techno but those relationships are fundamentally different to how he is with tubbo and that scares him

that art is SO SO SO CUTE i love it so much ,, obv its what ur comfortable w but u honestly do such nice doodles that if u ever wanted to like make an isolated tumblr post w them i think ppl would love it- id boost the hell otu of it but obv whatever u are comfy with. i LOVE how u draw cs!ranboo so much tho omg

thank u for ur support and kind words <33

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 24

I should really put effort on summaries, right? Anyways... Enjoy! ❤️

Table of Contents

Going Dark - Part 3

Gary "Roach" Sanderson

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

Roach never would have guessed that MacTavish was a big time. Their 'old' house was already a mansion, complete with guest rooms, extravagant furniture and even an outdoor pool. Roach could stay here forever.

He was laying on a queen sized bed relaxing after a tiring chase earlier when Ghost knocked on his door and let himself in.

"What's wrong mate?" he asked, lifting only his head. Ghost leaned by the door and crossed his arms.

"You know how I got into a little argument with France back in Brazil right? Well, I still regret it ever happening…" he frowned, as shown by the way the fabric of his mask twitched.

"You regret which part? The fighting or the telling her what you feel?" Gary asked, cornering the ever vague Simon. He always does that when it comes to asking for advice.

Ghost ran a hand across his face and groaned.

"Bloody Hell, mate. Why do you have to ask those kinds of things?" he complained.

"So I could be clear as to which one I should recommend you to do." He replied quickly. He was very willing to help, but if Simon refuses to cooperate, then maybe he could handle it on his own.

"There's still one thing… I've been meeting with Alexandra not just for intel… " the tone of his voice was hesitant but he took a sharp inhale and continued.

"... we've also been sleeping together. No strings attached. For her it eases her tension from all the work while I try to forget about my feelings for Francine."

Gary didn't know what to say. Simon wasn't the kind of person to give up easily, and he fully understood the reasons for his latest actions.

"Well, it looks like Francine already made her choice, right?" Gary asked, trying to confirm from Simon that he already lost the battle.

"I'm not quite sure. Everytime I see her, she's physically distancing herself from Soap but later that night, they actually slept beside each other. She's making me confused and it still makes my heart beat for her…" Ghost admitted. As tough as he is on the battlefield, so was his admiration toward Francine. Gary pondered on how to help out his friend in this love triangle situation he caught himself in, but every direction he thought of would result in Ghost actually ending up sad.

The discussion was interrupted when a plane was heard from the distance, as it approached the nearby open area. It looked like the girls made it home.

"Looks like they're here." Roach sounded excited while Ghost looked worried.

~

It was impressive how they managed to bring most of their stuff from Brazil here in Scotland. It wasn't that much but the idea of packing things for six people in a hurry made Roach impressed.

"How did you bring most of this stuff?" Roach curiously asked Maxine as he helped her carry her stuff.

"Well, Samantha asked for help from his Dad and they immediately flew to Brazil." Maxine replied cheerfully, Roach loved how she managed to see the bright side of everything amidst the panic.

"So will Samantha-"

"No. They had a long talk with his Dad and she felt much safer back here with us. Her Dad wanted to offer help now that the New York Attack was over, but Samantha insisted, especially now that they're out hiding."

"Doesn't he have the power to like, pardon us for being wanted? That would make life much more easier for us."

"I thought of that too… but they're seeing Shepherd differently now. He's gone mad. And they want to corner him. Any action involving him may result in a global cripple. And I just heard all this on the plane ride here." Maxine frowned.

"Then that makes our job of locating him all worth it." Roach smiled giving hope to Maxine.

Maxine just nodded, her face was full of fear and doubt. She just wished all of this was over.

With Soap probably asleep, Roach had the liberty of touring the girls around the house, it was huge and spacious that each of them could occupy a room with about two more rooms to spare.

"Man, I could stay here forever." Roach mused as they walked the halls of the second floor. These four rooms are already occupied, most of the empty rooms are over there…" Gary pointed to the other end of the hall. Maxine looked at France and nodded as they both agreed to stay in one room.

"What about you, Miss Samantha?" Gary asked with sophistication, imitating a butler. Samantha giggled and blushed.

"I'll actually be sleeping with Alex, thanks Mr. Sanderson." she replied, playing along with Roach's role play. For a short moment, Roach felt relaxed. He hasn't felt like this for a while and it was too overwhelming. But while the enemies hid in the shadows, he was sure the team would be up for a tough fight anytime soon.

Despite being tired, Roach couldn't sleep. He felt that there was something or someone else he needed to consult. So, he decided to get up and get himself a glass of water down the kitchen. While he could hear himself gulping down a glass of water, he could also hear faint thumping from the basement. With high alert, he began descending down the stairs to investigate the source of the sound.

It was Simon. He was still up and doing sparring rounds with a red punching bag, each of his punches sent the bag swinging violently.

"You okay?" Gary finally asked, alerting Simon of his presence.

"Can't sleep." he said nonchalantly, giving the punching bag another mighty punch. Roach took a minute to admire the huge gym Soap had, each piece of equipment probably spent a fortune. He slowly paced to the small area filled with equipment and grabbed himself some boxing mitts and a protective helmet.

"So, why don't we resume our little talk?" Gary called as he presented himself to Simon on full boxing coach gear. Simon immediately positioned himself and Gary did the same as they began training with the intention of talking it out.

Simon's punches were heavy, Roach could feel a little emotion on each hit he made and it was starting to make him unstable.

"So, anything you'd want to discuss?" Roach initiated, his hands carefully met his punches as they circled around the area.

"I've been trying to ignore her, Gary. You see me try right? But the more I don't think of her, the more excited I get when I accidentally see her. It's frustrating." He explained in between his punches. There it was, the thing bothering him the most.

"What did she say back in Brazil? She probably said something that kept you from moving on. I can't think of anything else that might cause you to feel this way, unless you're lying." Roach tilted his head so he could see Simon's reaction. His punches stopped coming and he just stood there, his hands dropped to his sides.

"She… she didn't say anything… but she distances herself to John while I'm around."

"John MacTavish or John Price?" Gary interrupted, in an attempt to brighten up the mood, but instead all he got was Simon's 'are-you-kidding-me-right-now?' look.

"But when I'm not around, she finds time to see him…" Simon continued. Gary took off his gloves and tapped his shoulder.

"She… she was being considerate." Simon concluded. It looked like Gary did his job. He could feel Simon's shoulders relax upon realizing what was actually going on.

"Despite all that… she sacrificed a little just to not hurt you." Gary added, he had no intention of making Simon guilty but now that he realized it, he was making an impact toward the relationship that was blooming between Soap and France.

"Thanks, Gary. For being a great friend…" Ghost took off his gloves and walked out of the gym.

"... and the worst therapist." He joked with a grin as he walked up the stairs and left Gary in the gym.

"I hope you find your peace, Simon." Gary muttered.

The following morning, the team was already busy walking around the house. Soap was on the phone with a long list of things the girls ordered for their restock. It was planned that for the time being, the team was to stay in the MacTavish residence while Nero and Shepherd were off the grid.

Price and Jack started their own little command center inside Soap's father's office just by the living room. They began creating connections to their closest contacts to track activity from their enemies. Ghost seemed to be not around at the moment and Gary guessed he's still asleep.

Soap nodded a greeting to Roach as he walked by him on his way to the kitchen. Maxine and France were out opening drawers and anything in the pantry to clear up space for supplies. From the kitchen window, Gary spotted Samantha, Alex and Nikolai in front of a truck. Gary overheard that Nikolai wanted to go back home and he guessed today was the day he'd do so.

"I didn't know what kind of sugar you needed so I kinda ordered a bunch of em." Soap announced to the sisters and they laughed.

"The clerk kept asking me of brown, white, confectioners and some other and honestly I don't know which." he shrugged and scratched his head.

"Hey man, I was just wondering… why did you choose the risky life? When you had everything you ever needed here?" Gary asked the question that has been bothering him since he got here.

"I dunno Roach. It's just that I knew it was calling out to me… You also sound like my Mum when I told her I'm joining the force." he chuckled. Gary just nodded but still didn't understand his logic. But he dismissed the thought as soon as Maxine and France asked for his help reaching something by the cabinets.

The rest of the day was busy. Once supplies arrived, everyone else was preoccupied. Lifting boxes, arranging items, looking for intel. It was like they made their own 141 base inside the house.

By the time they're almost free, Roach and Maxine were already in the kitchen preparing for dinner.

"So, any new dreams lately?" Roach initiated as he sliced through the vegetables they're cooking.

"Piece by piece. Last night I remembered having gum stuck on my hair on picture day. I cried a lot." she giggled. Roach smiled, he was glad she's getting her memories back which made him remember of Samantha's case.

"Ow!" Gary winced as he accidentally cut a short scrape on his thumb. He was so busy staring at Maxine that he forgot he was chopping.

"Don't worry. It's just a small wound." Gary assured as Maxine pulled his thumb close to her mouth and blew air through it, just like when you're a kid and you do that to ease the pain.

Gary couldn't help but smile at her immediate action. She also looked concerned and worried about his welfare.

"Hey Max." he whispered, making the girl turn to him, her face was so beautiful in Gary's eyes.

"Is there something wrong?"

"Nothing… It's just that…"

"What is it? You're making me worried"

"I really really like you, Maxine Winters."

Maxine looked at him in the eye, the eye contact they were doing was starting to make the world fade behind them.

"Guys! I have bad news." Soap interrupted, causing everyone to form a small circle by the living room.

"Ghost left. With a note saying he'll try to gather more information on Shadow Company with Alexandra's help. He says thanks and that he'll see us all soon." Soap summarized the note. The room fell silent.

Next Chapter : Off the Grid

Notification Squad my Beloved

@samatedeansbroccoli @enderio @smokeywhalee @whimsywispsblog @beemybee @ricinbach

[mind-reader1]

Queen of Hearts (Ch. 14)

Drake x MC (Emma Barnes)

TRR AU: What would happen if Emma loved Drake but had to marry Liam?

Catch up here

Warnings: None, some angst 

Note: Let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list! Sorry this chapter is so short, I promise there’s good stuff coming! 

Word Count: 1504

Summary: Kiara throws herself at Drake over some wine, but will Emma be able to keep her cool? Drake and Emma have a heart to heart and get caught in the moment, getting busted yet again. Is their secret still safe? 

Chapter 14: Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift 

Say you'll remember me Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe Red lips and rosy cheeks Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams (ah ah) (ah ah) Wildest dreams (ah ah)

You see me in hindsight Tangled up with you all night Burn it down Some day when you leave me I bet these memories follow you around You see me in hindsight Tangled up with you all night Burnin' it down (burnin' it down) Some day when you leave me I bet these memories follow you around (follow you around)

Say you'll remember me Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe Red lips and rosy cheeks Say you'll see me again even if it's just pretend

Once inside they were greeted by some familiar and some new faces. It didn't take Emma long to discover what would help her gain Kiara's family's support, Hakim wanted Cordonia nominated for a prestigious art festival and that was the reason for hosting the art festival showcasing Cordonia's artists. Hakim went around the room one by one and introduced himself to everyone, surprising them all with his intimate knowledge of who they were. As he got to Emma, she formally invited him to their wedding just as she had with every other noble family, and just like the others, he declined, they were expected at a legal summit in Switzerland. Another family to convince, nothing about this would be easy, Emma thought to herself. Hakim left, and everyone took a seat, Kiara sat too close for comfort to Drake on the couch and Emma carefully watched her as they talked. It didn't take much convincing to gain Kiara's support, as soon as they had it, Emma jumped up.

“How about that grand tour now?” Drake jumped up as well and tried to maneuver away from Kiara, he was trying to save her and himself from Emma.

“Zeke is the best at giving tours!” They followed Zeke out to beautiful patio that overlooked rows and rows of grape vines. A woman was overlooking the vineyard, focused on the canvas in front of her. After Joelle introduced herself, Zeke brought out various bottles of house wines and glasses for everyone to sample as the sun set. Emma sat next to Liam with Drake on her other side and Kiara on his other side. Drake swirled his wine around and looked at it, unsure while everyone else tasted the fruity chardonnay. Olivia smirked and noticed that Drake seemed uninterested.

“What do you think of the wine Drake?” He looked up caught off guard and stumbled over his words using the wrong verbage to describe it. Emma was going to rescue him, but Kiara beat her to it.

“Wine is not for everyone Drake. I'm sure you're a whiskey connoisseur.” Her hand rested gently on Drake's leg and lingered a little too long. Drake coughed and shifted in his chair noticing Emma's white knuckles on her chair next to him. Zeke relieved some of the tension by sharing a story of his own embarrassment in a political setting. Drake carefully rested his hand on Emma's knee under the table, giving it a soft squeeze, reassuring her that everything was okay. Zeke poured everyone another white that was made in the traditional sparkling form like champagne. Emma made a short toast, and everyone clinked their glasses, noticing a spark between Zeke and Penelope as they talked about their love for animals. Zeke brought out one more bottle for them to sample, a rich red wine. Liam and Emma settled on having the sparkling wine at their wedding. She leaned over to Drake conspiratorially.

“Don't  worry, there will be plenty of whiskey there too.” Drake chuckled. They finished their last sample and everyone wandered back in except for Drake who looked out over the vineyard.

“Hey.” Emma sidled up next to him and looked out over the vineyard too.

“Hey yourself. You doing okay?” He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

“I'd be doing better if Kiara wasn't all over you.” Drake chuckled and kissed the top of her head.

“You've been awfully quiet tonight.”

“Is it a crime to silently enjoy some nice wine?” Emma raised an eyebrow at him.

“Since when do you prefer wine over whiskey Drake?” He sighed.

“Truth is Barnes, I'm trying to fit in but I'm over my head. All this courtly stuff, I've always dismissed it, but now, if I want to be with you it's going to become a part of my life. I never thought I'd end up here, not even in my wildest dreams.”

“Sipping wine and touring the duchies of Cordonia?”

“Or in love with the same woman as my best friend, who's a duchess. Or acting like a fool over the woman I love. Or caring about courtly events. Take your pick.”

“You're not a fool Drake Walker.”

“I figured out at a young age that I'd never be like them, like the nobles, I'd never be good enough. I thought that if I didn't care, it wouldn't matter. Now I care and I'm in love with a noble woman, I just want to be good enough, to be worthy of you. Even if it is in the shadows.”

“Drake it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. What matters is you and me. You're stuck with me, for good now.” Emma pulled out the ring from under her dress and Drake grinned down at the sight of it.

“I'd like it a lot more if it was on your finger, but I'll take it Barnes.” Emma turned and wrapped her arms around Drake as he pulled her closer. Looking up at him she stood on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss. She caught Drake off guard, but he leaned down for another kiss, losing themselves in the moment. They pulled away at the sound of someone clearing their throat. Busted...again. 

They turned to find Hana standing there shyly.

“Sorry to interrupt... everyone's headed back towards the estate.” Drake and Emma followed Hana and joined the group. After everyone had wandered off, settling into their rooms or exploring, Emma found Penelope wandering around looking for her poodles. After searching the estate, they found them with Zeke who was tending to one of their paws. He confessed his dreams of being a vet, despite being the heir of his family's house. It had clearly taken a lot for him to admit that, but it was clear he trusted Penelope and Emma saw her opportunity, she convinced him that telling his family would be important and in return, he agreed to attend her wedding. Zeke walked Penelope to her room and Emma heard the sound of footsteps behind her, turning she found Liam.

“To what do I owe the pleasure? I'm not going to be read the riot act again for, yesterday am I?” Liam smiled dryly.

“I was actually coming to see if you'd like to sample some of the foods from tomorrow?” Emma looked at him suspiciously.

“No ulterior motives?”

“I would like to talk but I promise it will be civil.” Emma eyed him once more before shrugging.

“Let's do it.” Liam led her over to a small tray with various food samples on it.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” She asked between bites. Liam set his sample down and took a seat, Emma following him.

“I talked to Drake last night, after the spa.” Emma swallowed hard, she didn't think she liked where this was going.

“I want to apologize for my behavior again, I got quite upset with him about what happened. You have done an amazing job on this tour so far and successfully recruited everyone and rallied the people. That's not all though.” Emma was surprised to hear the praise from Liam, it was an uncommon occurrence these days.

“I'm worried about Drake. He told me about his nightmares. I gave him my therapists card, but I don't know that he'll call. We used to talk all the time, now,” Liam sighed, “now not so much. Just keep an eye on him for me, will you?” Emma squeezed Liam's hand.

“I know Liam. I'm worried too, but he's getting better. You know you can always talk to me too.” He squeezed her hand in return.

“Thank you, Emma, but it's just strange for me still.” Emma nodded in understanding.

“Oh, I wanted to tell you, I told Olivia, she shouldn't give us anymore trouble.”

“Thank you.” She stood and straightened her dress and began walking away.

“Would you like to finish the samples?” Emma gave him a small smile.

“No thank you Liam, but I've lost my appetite.” Emma was racked with guilt. She felt that Liam and Drake's friendship was falling apart because of her, and she hadn't stopped to even consider how much she and Drake hurt Liam every time he caught them together. She couldn't believe that her life had become so crazy. She couldn't blame herself though, none of this was her fault, no one was to blame. It was just a shitty situation. All Emma wanted was to curl up in Drake's arms, forget about it for a bit and make sure that Kiara wasn't trying to seduce him, she had been all over him. She checked the time and realized Drake should have been there by now, she pulled out her phone to text him and saw he had already texted her. Kiara had caught him in the hallways, he told her he got lost looking for the kitchen and went back to his room, he was stuck there for the night. Emma groaned and fell back onto her pillows.

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