#I've played myself: I care about Aqua now

[skania]

Let's talk about Aqua "using" Akane

So Aqua makes a very big deal about "using" Akane, but... did he actually use her at all?

I mean, he makes it quite clear that he is only keeping her close because she's useful, right?

So, what is Akane useful for, exactly?

Aqua's entire premise is that Akane understands Ai better than he does. He can't lose Akane because she may help him figure out Ai and find out who his dad is.

But we never, ever see Aqua asking Akane questions about Ai. At the contrary, most of his time with Akane is spent either on Aqua and Akane helping each other, or on Aqua talking to Akane about himself rather than about Ai.

(Spoilers for the entire manga below the cut!)

Let's take the TB arc for example, since this is the arc where Aqua and Akane interact again. What do we see?

First, Aqua helps Akane voice her concerns about the script:

Then he helps solve the disconnect between the ones in charge of the script and the original author, thus doing Akane and everyone involved a big service:

Then he helps Akane win against Kana, going as far as to agree to do emotional acting in order to accomplish it:

And then he helps Akane draw Kana out into the spotlight:

In other words: Aqua spends the entire arc working as a team with Akane. He makes no effort to use her at all.

What's more, all the occasions he had to get Akane's insight about Ai? He uses them to give Akane insight about himself instead.

Which is ironic, because we eventually find out that he even went as far as planting a GPS on her sometime after Love Now, in the off-chance Akane came in contact with the culprit. He obviously was pretty serious about making the most of Akane's deduction skills...

... but how was Akane supposed to deduce anything when Aqua never gave her any info? After all, Aqua only shares that information with Akane after he thinks his revenge is over and he has no use for her anymore.

Which means that, up to the point where Aqua temporarily drops his revenge plans, we don't actually see him using Akane at all.

Despite this, we still see Aqua going on and on about how he has "used" Akane.

So, let's take a closer look at all the ways he has "used" Akane, shall we?

• "About my father" is the simplest one, since that's what Aqua wanted to use Akane for in the first place. Except that, as we saw, things don't go quite as planned and he literally doesn't do anything to have Akane find his dad.

So yes, Aqua did intend to use Akane to find his dad, but he doesn't actually put her to use. In fact, Akane finds him all on her own by pure chance much, much later.

• "The corpse" is a very interesting one, because by Aqua's own admission, he trusted Akane's capabilities enough to think she may be able to find his corpse, and fed her information to help her achieve this.

This is indeed true, except for two things. One, when Aqua starts looking for the corpse, he actually tells Akane to stay behind. She's the one that chooses to follow after him. Aqua makes it sound like Akane finding his corpse was his goal from the get-go, but his actions are at odd with his words.

Secondly, Aqua stops looking for the corpse the moment Akane suggests it may be buried, but he still takes her to Goro's house either way.

Nothing he tells her about Goro is relevant to the search of his corpse. It's completely irrelevant, in fact. But Aqua still opens up to her, sharing everything about Goro, from his upbringing to his goals to his feelings.

Once again, his words say one thing, but his actions tell a different story. Akane is the first person Aqua has opened up to about Goro, and he does so without any ulterior motive.

Which leads me to the way Aqua has "used" Akane:

• "And many other things."

This is what Aqua means by "many other things". Ever since that day, Akane has been giving Aqua emotional support and he has come to treasure it, so much so that it "saves him little by little".

I'd even say he has come to rely on it, as his monologue later shows.

Now, you may say, but isn't receiving and giving emotional support a normal part of every relationship?

And you'd be completely right! But Aqua isn't a normal guy.

Aqua is guilt-ridden to the point he is in pain whenever he enjoys anything. Since the guilt he feels colors basically everything he sees, it permeates his relationship with Akane as well.

Instead of seeing all the good he has done for her, he just sees all the ways he ties her down.

Instead of seeing how much of himself he has shared with her, he focuses on what he has kept from her.

He is such a guilt-ridden, self-deprecating person that he even apologizes when Akane finds his corpse. As if getting murdered and not being found for 20+ years was his fault!

Akane puts it best: Aqua is always trying to carry the burden on his own, always acting like every wrong is his fault.

It's no surprise then that Aqua feels guilty over allowing himself to cherish Akane's support. It's also no surprise that he tries to paint it negatively as him "using" her, because Aqua has been trying to convince himself that his relationship with Akane is a lie.

If he repeats it enough, if he makes his every action about using Akane, then it will be easier for him to let go of her — even when that becomes the last thing he wants to do.

This all comes to a head in Chapter 98, where we see Aqua cutting ties with Akane to keep her safe. This was the perfect time to use Akane, for real this time — but "using" Akane has become a lie that he can't keep up any longer.

Akane has become too important to him. So important in fact, that leaving her side marks the moment he makes a wrong turn and gives himself into the darkness of his revenge.

TL;DR Aqua did want to use Akane, but he never gets around to it. He comes to rely on her emotional support and feels so guilty for it that he sees that as "using" her. Ironically, by the time Akane becomes the perfect "tool" for him to use in his quest for revenge, she matters too much to him and he lets her go to keep her safe. In fact, Akane only makes herself "useful" to him by pure chance! lol

[wrotelovelytears]

Nymph on the track

Literally don't know what I'm doing

‍♀️The 22° does represent a type of death (and y'all can cry about it). Death isn't always the leaving of the physical plane, it could be the active suppression of something that leaves one feeling not complete/whole.

🐍I have this degree on my Moon, and when I tell you people constantly try to make me suppress my emotions AND when I actively do so I don't feel as complete as when I'm being my normally expressive self. It feels like part of me is gone not that I'm physically gone.

‍♀️As someone with a Jupiter in my first house I have no idea where people got this happy go lucky idea from. I've been told countless times I'm more of a realist or even a pessimist at times. And no my Jupiter doesn't have a ton of negative aspects (there's more positive ones).

🐍I believe Jupiter First house is more of a sign of hyper awareness of self (hence the realism) not ignorance.

🐍I am very aware of my limits and literally will not push myself if I know something is pointless.

‍♀️ I've been stuck in a Saturn ruled year/pattern for the past two years and in two years I'll be starting my Saturn return. I no longer like the number two

‍♀️This applies to the doms/venuses of these modialites Cardinals attract people in the same age range. Fixed attract people older. Mutable attract younger.

‍♀️As a Venue square Ascedant I can tell you now, I love the way I look until someone says something negative then I'm mad the rest of the day. In vice versa if someone says something positive that makes my whole day.

‍♀️I've also notice I get a lot of stares outside (regardless of what I wear), yes my Venus is in the 10th house, that might play a larger role in why others perceptions of me impact me so much.

‍♀️Pluto makes people really blunt and forward with you.

‍♀️Just because one has fame degrees it doesn't mean you'll actually be famous. Depending on the signs/planets/houses it's found in

‍♀️Aqua first house traits: Being called "UniQUe", Major rbf, diamond shaped head (yes you got a big head), coming off different than others in the room (if everyone is bubbly, you mean;if everyone is mean, you bubbly), calling people out then being upset about getting attention

‍♀️Aquarius placements might like the whole "-core" idea a lot. I have no idea why (it's literally just regular traits and interests being turned into a personality but that's just me)

‍♀️Having all three modalities in your big three can show you have great intuition. However your mars sign impacts how much you use said intuition.

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

‍♀️Sun and Neptune are to intuition while Uranus and Mars are to expedition

‍♀️Despite an empty 11th house I tend to care too much about friends. Then I realized I have a 7th house Mars and North Node, therefore relationships are the focal point of my life. So no the 11th house isn't about friendships completely it's about your broad socialization.

‍‍♀️Having a first and seventh house stellium make you an ambivert. You wanna be around others but on your own terms.

‍♀️7th house NN is completely about using relationships to shape yourself into your best version. It's about experiencing all the social parts of life and learning the lessons that come with it.

‍♀️I might be biased but I've never met a Taurus I (out right) hated. I vibe so well with them (unless they start acting goofy).

‍♀️Having Neptune and Venus heavily impact you can make you idealistic, fluid, and

‍♀️Saturn is the most ghetto planet. I have nothing else to say in this.

‍♀️Heavy Pluto influence makes one seek out others reactions. Not that they're insecure they just love attention (don't even lie about it).

‍♀️That also applies to Scorpios, they do shit just for a reaction. The only case it might be out of some form of insecurity is if paired with Aquarius or Leo.

𝐍𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠. . .

‍♀️As Pluto transits Aquarius we might see more people diagnosed with nerve problems and long term illness.

‍♀️Another thing about Pluto in Aqua is the increase in cultish behavior/ organizations, terrorist attacks, and standoffish actions. Like I've seen people become real... racist, classist, sexist etc. Almost like all the behaviors we agreed were gross are now okay.

‍♀️North Node in Aries isn't helping with the lack of sociability. I wouldn't be surprised if people started being more individualistic to the point of isolation.

‍♀️Geminis got big ass ears (better to hear everyone's business with)

‍♀️Gemini kids may be vocal a lot sooner than their peers

🐍May also be more curious than other children

‍♀️Sag kids might really like fixed sign adults. Sag adults on the other hand...

‍♀️I mentioned a lot of Scorpios/Pluto doms may work well/with kids but I've noticed the sister sign Taurus might do just as well and work with kids too.

‍♀️Gemini adults are great with babies/toddlers, older kids not so much (because of similarities in disposition)

⋘ ... ⋙

‍♀️I've seen a lot of memes about kids "suddenly being aware of their surroundings" and the most notable ages that come up are 3,4 and 5 year olds. The magical astrology thing that happens around that age is your first Saturn square. That's why you'll see those kids asking a lot more why and essential questions

‍♀️Y'all gonna be mad, but the Sag/Gemini axis has more.... "familiar" issues than the Cap/Cancer one. I'm sorry I don't make the rules.

‍♀️I'm sorry but having a 5th house stellium is not an indicator of creativity. I've met and seen quite a few that couldn't draw a fucking line if you gave them an outline. They tend to be more gifted in whatever the sign is over their fifth house rather than "creativity" in general.

🐍My mom has a fifth house stellium but can't draw, color OR paint (despite taking plenty of art classes) to save her life. Yet she is an extremely good person with health based and routine problems (isn't a doctor but can easily tell you something a doctor would).

‍♀️The fifth house really can tell your preferences. I don't just mean "intellectual" or "sympathetic", it could also talk about the appearance and disposition of individuals as well.

🐍Gemini over the 5th can indicate the preference for androgynous (presentation, gender, energy) folks. That could be someone who dates gnc/non binary people more than cis or aligned trans folk. Or be with people who don't conform to gender roles (in a societal sense) by having equal masculine and feminine traits.

⋘ ᴛʀʏ ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ... ⋙

‍♀️I've been wondering when people were going to stop (over) hyping the K *insert literally anything* industry. And I realized it won't be until Neptune is out of Pisces. I made a post a hot minute ago about Korea being specifically the arts being linked to Neptune. And seeing that Neptune in Pisces high key started the globalization (the idea even) of many Korean based arts, it's not going to chill out until Neptune dances its way into Aries.

‍♀️Speaking of Neptune in Aries, we can expect a drastic change in media, the likes and overall expectations of the entertainment industry (that includes physical and digital artists as well). Since more "warish" "rough/hospitable" countries are ruled by Aries we could see the rise of heavy metal, folk (that includes heavy drumming not the more gentle one that's Cancer's domain), and loud, rough music.

🐍We would see a change from fantastical beauty being the standard to people who look like they've seen some shit. There would definitely be a decrease in cosmetic surgery HOWEVER it might also be an increase in steroid usage (everyone wants to look strong).

🐍We could also see more wars, aggression and overthrows during this time. The last time Neptune was in Aries was the mid 1800s. That was a time of government overthrowing, revolts around racial/ethnic inequality (Haitian Revolution, Civil War, Qing dynasty getting jumped, etc etc).

🐍We might actually see true differences made in the world due to this shift.

‍♀️I haven't really seen people talk about Uranus since last year so I just wanted to talk more about what this Taurus and future Gemini transit means.

🐍We have already seen banks and economies crashing. It's only been a few months of Uranus in Taurus and financial stability is looking like a whole joke. While this may not seem big to some or others may be looking forward to this, it's a very big cautionary sign. Since the world does rely on paper/coin currency having banks and whole economies flat line doesn't just mean we'll have some communist revolution, it means we'll have to quickly adapt to a skill base trade or watch the world go up in flames. We could see more wars, famines and disease due to this. I haven't seen anyone touch on the increasing tensions in the world due to the high inflation rates. Yes I mentioned more wars in the Neptune observation but with it corresponding with the current economic instability, yeah. We do have to learn trade/life skills because other things are becoming obsolete.

🐍Another Uranus in Taurus observation is the increased use in technology. You might be confused why this is being mentioned with Uranus and not Pluto, but I'll explain. Taurus is linked to stability and comfort (very similar to the 2nd house), and due to the ease technology gives many folks, it's not surprising we see more and more being used. This leans more into Uranus in Gemini, but AI technology will (for better or worse) become integrated into everyday life. That means communication will change drastically because teachers most likely won't be mostly humans but AI and robotic. Many languages might end up fully dying out by the time Gemini Uranus comes around because no one will be writing and verbalizing them anymore. In the near future I can already tell people will get more lazy in certain aspects leading to a decline in creativity and diversity. Because why should I have to think harder and be uncomfortable when there are things available to do that for me. We could see the rise of more mega cities (think Tokyo) due to human population clustering in certain areas and leaving others. Honestly the thing I can see happening and kinda fear is lack in biodiversity leading to us just cloning to make up for life lost.

‍♀️I said in a previous observation that Aquarius is linked to Nuerodivergence and now I figured out how. It relates more to the "physically visible" ones. I'm taking Tourettes, Epilepsy and Alzheimer's.

(If you learned something new or would just like to support me you can leave a wittle tip via the tip button or one of the links in my masterlist. Kofi: nymphdreams🧸)

[aihoshiino]

chapter 146 thoughts

This chapter (and thus this chapter review) contains discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation and CSA, so if you're not in the headspace for that, skip this one and I'll see you next time.

we are so oshi no back

After last chapter left me fighting for my life to come up with literally anything to say about it, this was one of those chapters where I ended up having more and more to say about it the more I turned it over in my head. It still feels a bit disjointed and has that same issue of ripping through the events of the movie way too fucking fast that the arc as a whole has been having lately but this chapter was such a breath of fresh air I can't bring myself to care.

The chapter itself is more or less split in two, with one half dedicated to 15 Year Lie's in-universe events and the other focusing a bit on Aqua and Kana for, tbh, the first time in way too long. Admittedly, my enthusiasm for 15YL has waned given the reveal of just how much of it is completely made up but like. I'm still gonna over analyze this stuff. Sunk cost fallacy, don't fail me now!!!!

I joke, but the 15YL section of this chapter was legitimately bone chilling. That barrage of cuts following Uehara's attack on Airi…. fuuuuuuuck, man.

Airi herself is pure fucking poison this chapter too and I mean it in the best way. I continue to be incredibly impressed with how OnK understands the motivations of a person like Airi what her abuse of Hikaru is really about. When discussing this in 141, Miyako points out just how often victims of abuse can themselves go on to perpetuate their own pain out of a need to try and regain their dignity, but I think what Airi seeks in her abuse of Hikaru is control. We see how often she wields her power over him while pretending that he has as much agency as she does in their """relationship""" and it's repeated here, too; she throws the results of her own sexual abuse of him in his face as a way of permanently chaining the two of them together, all while tearing down his worth as a person as if to 'prove' he deserves to be trapped in her grasp. I've said before that Akasaka is unsettlingly good at writing toxic mothers but I think Airi has made it pretty clear that Akasaka understands and is thus excellent at writing abuse and abusers in general, and for someone like me who counts that as one of their favourite Themes (tm) in fiction, I feel quite well fed.

The abuse Airi hurls at him is also interesting from a perspective of paralleling Hikaru even further with Ai. We saw snippets of this in 140, of Hikaru characterizing himself as someone desperately trying to construct a version of himself that can be loved by others the same way Ai creates 'Ai of B-Komachi', a version of herself who can give and receive love in the way she thinks her authentic self is unable to. Airi puts this into more explicit words; Hikaru must construct this fake version of himself because there is no 'real' him and thus, he is inherently unlovable. Jesus Christ.

Knowing those words were swimming around in his head, it makes the HKAI scene that follows even more of a gutpunch than it already is. It's the most wonderful kind of miscommunication tragedy - with their respective traumas, there is basically no other way a talk like that could have gone and yet it's agonizing to see it play out. Ai's innocent cruelty in the face of Hikaru's pain and her suffocating smile… the worst part is, while I completely understand why this was so shattering for Hikaru, it's impossible to miss that this was, in a way, an expression of love from Ai; it was honesty, an admission of vulnerability. She herself even says she doesn't want to lie to him. But to Hikaru, what else could that have sounded like but a confirmation of his most godawful fear?

that said. the timeline here is very confusing. this seems to imply hkai were still dating all the way up to the murder-suicide, which seemed to be just before the dome concert but did the breakup really seem that recent during their phone call?? this whole timeline is penised beyond repair.

The art in this chapter in general is incredibly good but something in particular I want to highlight is how much and how often Aqua-as-Hikaru looks like Ai in these panels. I can't put my finger on what it is, but that similarity always makes me feel so warm and sad whenever I see it. For as much as he struggles with his relationship to her, Aqua really is his mother's son through and through.

and. man. what even is there to say about that scene in the rain and everything that follows. I was't sure if the murder/suicide was going to be featured in the movie but even the brief snippet of it that we got and that barrage of scene titles and Kamiki's silent scream… whoof. shit like this makes me really hope we get to see mengo illustrate a horror manga someday because i think she would absolutely kill it.

We cut back to reality to see Aqua reading the script and in perhaps the most interesting swerve in this chapter, we see that he has once again reverted to his double black hoshigans. And uh, am I going to sound like a terrible person if I say I'm really glad for this? LOL.

Obviously I would rather Aqua not be experiencing Suicidal Ideation (Bass Boosted) 24/7, but it's kind of a relief to see that one single conversation wasn't enough to totally shake Aqua out of that headspace. I've talked a lot about how frustrating I find it that 'Ruby finds out Aqua is Gorou' is treated as the finale to her black hoshigan arc and every ongoing thread, internal and external, attached to it was dropped like a rock with no further interrogation. It robbed Ruby of the opportunity for some really important growth and, imo, was just shitty for Kana and Memcho who were treated extremely poorly by her and got no apology for it. I was really worried this would be the case for Aqua as well and that his own dip into that rancid headspace would end on a wet fart which would really sting given just how little insight we've gotten into him this arc. But this chapter makes it clear that while some cracks have started to form in his armor, he's not in the clear just yet.

i mean, even if he was permanently back to one white star, aqua is such a little freak regardless………………………….

What this means in the long term is a little hard to pin down, both because we've had so little insight into Aqua's headspace this arc and because the exact nature of black hoshigan as a symbol has always been a little Calvinballed, but in this context and for Aqua specifically, I think we can read this as his conviction in the messy endgame of his revenge play being shaken up. I, personally, have been reading the black hoshigan as of late as an expression of the sort of futureless despair that can become suicidal ideation, at least for Aqua; since immediately after Ai's death, we have gotten incredibly strong hints that Aqua is suicidal, his guilt-fueled desire to die and his desperate want to experience a happy future at war within him. He more or less explicitly says as such in 106, expressing that this break in their relationship is necessary for Ruby to be able to live on 'after he's gone' - which strongly implies that Aqua's revenge play is intended to end with his death.

Knowing that Ruby is Sarina wasn't quite enough to shake his conviction, but their talk in 143 was. I do think Ruby just giving him some straightforward affirmation was a good starting point but I also can't help but wonder, with the context that his white stars were not indicative of a permanent change, if hearing just how deeply Ruby still relies on 'Gorou's' presence in her life struck a nerve for him. Paraphrasing her from 143, she straight up says Gorou is the one who gives her life meaning. And if that's how it is, what exactly will happen if he's gone again..?

Obviously this is all still speculation because even when I am begging on hand and knee Akasaka is refusing to give us Aqua introspection but at this point I have to make a guess at SOMETHING if i am going to say anything remotely coherent about aqua in this arc, so

ANYWAY!! AQUA AND KANA HAVING A NORMAL ASS CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!! Ngl, it did give me a bit of a chuckle to see Kana voice the question of whether Aqua was getting too immersed in his role, given that people were accusing her of that back during the first round of the RBKN conflict.

I was also really surprised to see Aqua just outright say that yeah, he is at least flirting with suicidal ideation. Like - that's the first time he's said that out loud, to anybody??? In 143 he voices the less damning but still not great sentiment that he feels guilty for being alive but this is to my knowledge the first time Aqua has expressed his suicidal ideation out loud, let alone to anyone else. And… fuck, man! That's an absolutely terrifying thing to hear a friend say. No wonder Kana reacts like she does.

Because of my powers of Claire-voyance (read: basic pattern recognition and being in fandoms for 15+ years), I'm pretty sure people are going to be Very Mean to Kana about the way she chooses to respond to Aqua here but honestly? Not only did this tough love response feel very IC for her, but the clumsiness of it felt very honest to me. I think a lot of people in fandom lately just want characters to talk like fucking therapists all the time and have the Correct And Unproblematic Response to… well, situations like this. But Kana is an 18 year old girl who has her own share of issues and her friend she knows is dealing with his own huge amount of baggage just casually dropped an "i wanna kms" on her. All things considered, I think she handles it surprisingly well.

Because like… look at what Kana really says to Aqua here. She gives him some of their usual banter to diffuse the tension but then makes herself very clear: she does not want Aqua to hurt himself and makes him promise that he won't. It's clumsy and rough in the way Kana often is, but I think the important part - her sincere care for Aqua as her friend - really does shine through.

also cute that other people caught: Kana squishing Aqua's face seems to be an intentional callback to one of their on-stage interactions in Tokyo Blade, right down to Aqua making a identical scrunchyface to Kana. Extremely cute. I love it when Aqua is cute <3

Kana also being a person able to shake Aqua out of his black hoshigans also leans into something I've been hoping is going to pay off for a while now; the idea that Aqua's salvation is not going to come from any one, singular character but from the many different people who Aqua has built relationships with coming together when he needs them to support him. One of the things OnK has continually highlighted is the way isolation and lacking support systems warp and damage people's mental health and I think it would play excellently into that theme to have Aqua's support net, so to speak, to be wide enough to catch him no matter where he falls.

the product placement was very stupid but i did laugh pretty hard at it and then immediately go buy myself some potato chips so i guess it worked. genius mangaka aka akasaka.

All jokes aside, the note their talk ended off on was so lovely too. Aqua being honest enough to admit that being with Kana is fun and Kana getting all dokidoki and then quietly admitting she feels the same when she's alone… cute! But more than that, it highlights something about the AQKN dynamic I think is really important, regardless of whether their relationship is romantic, platonic, in laws, mlm/wlw hostility or whatever else; Kana is his friend and he can just be a normal boy and have normal fun with her without any ulterior motives. It's something Aqua doesn't really have in any of his other relationships so getting a reminder of that and what it means to Aqua was really good.

honestly i think i am just so starved of nice things happening to my son that seeing him opening up to one of his friends and admitting he has fun (HIS LAUGH!!!!!!) was like a shot of heavenly ambrosia for me. please can hoshino aqua have just one nice day.

OR UH… BASED ON THAT LAST PAGE…. PROBABLY NOT ANYTIME SOON….!!!

this is what i mean about this chapter giving me 5000000 things to talk about. kamiki is TALKING TO RUBY IN THE FLESH FOR THE FIRST TIME and i almost completely forgor.

why is he dressed like a dad about to take her out on a fishing trip, though

Ruby looks unusually solemn while she's praying, which is interesting. She's been pretty bright and high energy since 141ish so I'm curious what has her looking so comparatively dour. She's praying at a shrine, too, which means there's probably something on her mind. Nik (@akane-kurokawa) theorized that she's anxious about the upcoming scenes in the movie (LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S DEATH) and until we get further insight on that, that's what I'm gonna assume too.

putting aside how Shrimptresting it is that Kamiki turned up out of nowhere like that, I can't help but note a certain horrible parallel between Uehara meeting young Hikaru in the rain with a black umbrella and Kamiki doing the same for his daughter…

cannot wait for that entire talk to get offscreened. lol.

break next week……………………………

[munchmemes]

bob’s burgers sentence starters ( season 2 edition )

❛  this is why i'm only friends with women. ❛  [NAME], honey, it's pretty obvious they're not into you. and i'm usually not that good at picking up vibes. ❛  ironic detachment is great. nothing means anything! ❛  what, do you work for the phone company now? [NAME]'s phone company? ❛  what, are you going to beat me up? ❛  we're about to die, [NAME]! do you really want your last words to be sarcastic? ❛  if i'm gonna die, i'm gonna play Aqua Boogie one last time! ❛  put it on a t-shirt, [NAME], i don't want to hear it. ❛  maybe the journey was the treasure. ❛  what does 'past due' even mean, you know? ❛  it's brilliant! there's no such thing as time. ❛  come back safe, [NAME]. don't leave me with these frigging people. ❛  it looks like a huge, misshapen penis. ❛  i am so glad you joined the group, [NAME]. ❛  if you make it out of there, i will do anything. anything you want. except that one thing. ❛  everything's on the table, including on the table. ❛  oh, don't tsk me. ❛  you'll eat anything. ❛  don't you make noises at me, you judge-a-roo. ❛  so, let's talk synchronized swimming. ❛  what do you expect? you coddle them too much. ❛  i'm not gonna coddle them this time. i'm gonna get real tough. ❛  it's chocolate. it tastes like chocolate tastes. ❛  you're my best friend. ❛  it's nice to have you back. ❛  i accept your apology and i will help you. i will help you by not helping you. ❛  what just happened here? why is everyone smiling and not helping? ❛  we can fake our way through this. ❛  we're at a swimming pool. this is the safest place to be during a fire. ❛  false alarm. everything is fine. ❛  oh! now i'm hungry for chilli! ❛  call me next time you find something that you think you're good at. ❛  it's not called a peeing race. it's called a pissing contest. ❛  was it obvious i don't care? ❛  look at me, it's an intervention. you have a problem. ❛  i'm not leaving any stone unturned. they're all gonna be turned! all the stones! ❛  oh, i love secrets! tell me! ❛  i've got a better idea. you know what's free? Loading. ❛  do you mind? you're kinda crowding me. ❛  video games and drugs, those two things don't mix. ❛  i'm not a nerd. i'm a video game enthusiast. ❛  i'm calling it. this party's dead. ❛  unleash the beast! no mercy! ❛  fantastic! not my problem! ❛  i wish i'd met you sooner. i wonder what you looked like fifteen minutes okay.

❛  if we were gonna have to be banned for life from someplace, i'm glad it's there. ❛  plan b, [NAME]! i'm slashing tires! ❛  [NAME], use our code names! ❛  isn't it funny how much more i know than you? ❛  drunk people like hamburgers, it's not science. ❛  ugh, you were right. it's not subtle. ❛  i'm gonna throw a falafel at them. ❛  i don't wanna die a virgin! ❛  it's not a lie if you lie to vegetarians. ❛  what about your road rage, [NAME]? it's not very good! ❛  see? i knew it was funny. ❛  let's play the quiet game until we get back. ❛  guess who's on new meds! ❛  wait, i brought gifts! i picked them out at a truck stop. ❛  according to my calculations, you're next! ❛  time for the charm bomb to explode. ❛  i hate that parrot. ❛  you know what, take off your cranky pants and go take a nap. ❛  i hate signing birthday cards. ❛  if this fails, i'm gonna kill myself. ❛  [NAME], you've taken them hostage? ❛  from now on, i will only dumpsack them when i'm in the neighbourhood. but you took the fun out of it. ❛  i'm still so nervous the cops are gonna show up. ❛  well, if the cops come, we need a plan. ❛  don't have a crap attack. ❛  okay, fine. but i'm gonna complain the whole time. ❛  that'll cost a fortune! we have a terrible data plan! ❛  i don't get drunk. i just have fun. ❛  don't be such a boob punch. ❛  it's not fun for everyone, [NAME]. ❛  messing with [NAME] is a privilege, not a right! ❛  just be yourself and [NAME] can go sit in syrup. let the bees get them. ❛  put some clothes on! leave something to the imagination for god's sake! ❛  notice me! ❛  it got a little weird at the end but you get the idea. ❛  i smell fear on you. ❛  i don't know about you but that is certainly some of the cutest baby panda footage i've ever seen. ❛  in this country, no backsies means something. ❛  fame tears families apart. ❛  are you not entertained?! ❛  it stinks in here. ❛  you're supposed to love each other, not kill each other! this isn't the bible! ❛  those aren't curse words.

[yuseirra]

My brain keeps running on its own trying to formulate a way to make sense out of it all but at this point, I wonder if it'd be worth theorizing(If I can think of something good I'll still love to share :) )

Believe it or not, I'm very, very, very stern about trying to stay true to canon.. Because working with existing characters, they have their cores don't they? I really do want to care about portraying them in ways that are true to how they are in their respective stories, that's what makes them, them

With onk.. I'm starting to wonder...(yeah I just started;) this may be the first time where I may go oh let's just ditch canon I'll do whatever I want depending how it goes. Maybe I still believe some sort of miracle may happen in the remaining chapters that'd wrap everything together at may it be cluttersome(sorry but there is literally no room left for it to be able to meet its closure in a beautiful and graceful way with a deep sense of nuance and depth the way this work deserves. It's INCREDIBLY SHORT. It cannot happen within that amount of space it needs at least ten decently lengthy chapters.) but..I don't know~~.....

Oh I'm more concerned than hyped and it's been that way ever since I started vigorously drawing for this series again this July tbh 154 was GOOD, how come everything went downhill from there haha😂.. That chapter had me so hooked and I felt I knew all the answers that were to come from that point forth. I really had a huge intuition of how things would play out(and surprisingly, the possibility is actually still there)

I don't think I'm the type of fan who can ignore canon and do what I want, I've never been that way and I can't bring to convince myself of what's not there (this means, I sincerely believe in all the things I've been drawing o<-<) but... Let's see how it goes. I was so stressed and tense ever since I started drawing hikaai...I don't like being unsure of things...what if they're totally different from what I make of them...but seeing how CANON's going, maybe I don't have to care so much either if it's doing whatever it wants, canon feels so unhinged, was there ANYONE who was able to predict what were to happen 100%? What are they doing?; So yeah.

Oh;; I hope Aqua's okay. It's just...so cruel. I've been annoyed with him but that's because I wanted him to live!!! Why doesn't he- why did he HAVE to do THAT?? Hurt his dad and everyone he loves and even himself, I'm trying to find a reasoning that's convincing enough for me to comprehend just how this could make sense and hold some kind of message although it's downright horrifying; I kept asking in my posts all yesterday right? What message are thet trying to send with this and what could be the point? I can understand if they do a good job with it, I've been putting my effort in order to make out what good may come out of it but I guess only the author would know for now

I don't know where this post is going myself, I'm just writing out my thoughts, this series may have taught me a lot about myself that I wasn't so aware of...

I guess when conflicts appear I end up going, "they couldn't have had malicious intent, could they?" on many occasions, you really don't know what the other party can be thinking so for most cases, it just feels better to believe they didn't mean harm or evil. Maybe I'm being that way about Hikaru but AI LOVED THAT GUY. I didn't have a lot of thoughts about him before that dropped! I couldn't make a clear judgment so I just left my interpretation of him on hold. Oh ;v;).. It's been REALLY ROUGH holding out for him after that happened pft will that pay off.. That guy's still so ambiguous. I rather him be a good person. The story is better if he were. I guess believing in someone is hard but I'll.. Do that till I can. I think Ai would have?

You know, if I were Ai, I'd end him with my own hands if he became that messed up. That's how I drew that one comic after 162. I'd give him a hug and then end him lol because I'd feel responsible in a way. It's ridiculous and tragic how things turned to be the way it is but it doesn't feel so resolved either

I'm afraid about the fate of this series but at least not long left now. Hopefully I can still draw Ai and her bf in a wholesome manner, I really cared for those guys and I'd love to stick around and do more for it at least for awhile

[mimiplaysgames]

The Bed Story, ch. 4 (Free Day)

Terraqua Day 2024, Day 4

Terra/Aqua | Terra/Anti-Aqua Rating: M Word Count: 6,125 @terraquaweek

Summary: Terra meets Anti-Aqua, and he's sorry for what they did and didn't do.

Read on AO3

A/N: Ahhh I had such anxiety attacks about publishing this chapter yesterday that I just didn't at all. So I'm a day behind with prompts. I told myself I would never use this plot point of finding Aqua's Keyblade in a fic again (save for one last fic that I have not published yet) and here I am... using it again. Oops. Either way, in this chapter, I got to play with a concept I've never done before and had a lot of fun with, so I still hope you guys find this chapter enjoyable.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Information comes in bits and pieces. Terra and Ven align what little they’ve gathered in a comprehensible order, to get them started in the right place. Terra’s body was left behind in the courtyard Aqua and Xehanort had fought, in Radiant Garden. Then… something. Something happened that dragged Terra’s body away. Someone must have come by to pick him up. Who? Oh, this neighbor said Ansem the Wise found an orphan many years ago, okay. Funny to call someone as tall as you an orphan, but okay. Oh great, he’s dead. Now what? Well, who else was here? No idea. Wait, didn’t they say that castle once belonged to Ansem? Yeah. Let’s check it out. 

Once they get there: Wow, Terra. They do not like you. But do you know what this means? Yeah. Bingo. 

And this leads them to Xehanort’s peaceful old bedroom. The windows overlook Radiant Garden’s skyline, which is now stitched with pipes and electric traps as the city fortifies its own defense against Heartless. Some roofs need patching up but have to wait due to limiting resources. The city commission uses Ansem’s castle frequently for recovery and technological advances. Radiant Garden isn’t the same jewel—severely chipped, clouded, and gnarled, all while healing slowly. All while Xehanort’s bedroom remains… well, tranquil and undisturbed, to look out at such a beautiful view of the horizon, despite the ugliness. 

Xehanort’s bedroom has the same creepy juxtaposition: the dust has settled over his belongings, and it’s weird, because these were belongings Terra had touched, not Xehanort. Terra’s body, Terra’s touch. A worn out adventure novel with most of the pages bent in the corners sits on the nightstand table, waiting to be read again. That’s weird, because Terra adores that novel, too. Does that mean Xehanort and Terra have the same taste, or did Terra influence Xehanort’s taste? Then, there is this thick leather textbook with a bunch of equations. That’s weird, because Terra has no stars-damned clue what any of it means, but there are handwritten notes on the margins with, yep, some careful calligraphy that is Terra’s, and jutted rushed strikes of someone who thought too fast for the pace he wrote in.

Terra sits on Xehanort’s bed. Terra’s head had slept on this pillow here. Weird. Terra’s head. Here. And yet, infuriating. Terra’s head, safe in solace, all this time without him realizing. For years. The pillow is arranged towards the window, so when Xehanort laid down, he was able to watch the stars overhead before sleeping. Weird. Maybe Xehanort favored the stars. Or maybe Terra missed them. Terra’s bed back home was arranged the same way. 

For what it’s worth, the bed is squishy and invites a nap. Much better than the thin carpet in the Master’s study. 

Right now, the keepers of the Ansem’s castle are looking for a scientist named Even, who might know the whereabouts of Aqua’s Keyblade. Everyone else in the castle had said, Oh yeah. I remember some Keyblade. Dunno what happened to it. 

“So,” Ven says, poking a finger at a glass chemistry set. “You’re gonna tell me what’s going on with you?”

Terra considers taking the pillow home. It smells of patchouli, which isn’t a cologne Terra would have chosen, but it’s comforting. 

“About what?”

Ven rolls his eyes. “You know what. Show me.”

Terra extends his hand, but instead of calling Earthshaker, he tries for No Name one more time. Maybe being in this room will beckon it to come. Think about hunger, and Terra’s own satiation when he comes close to achievement. Think about the taboo. Taste it. Think about how full it felt, how delicious, when Terra wielded Darkness for the first time and felt like he could bend gravity. Think about how Aqua might feel this way now, drunk on power. 

No, don’t think about Aqua and how Terra let it all tear apart. 

Nothing happens.

“Earthshaker still won’t come?”

Terra lowers his arm. “No.” 

“I don’t get it.” Ven scratches his face. “I mean, I know that when a wielder changes, the Keyblade will change with them sometimes, but…”

Terra squeezes his own bicep. A bitter medicine to drink, and no sugar to help it go down. “Maybe I’ve changed in ways Earthshaker doesn’t approve of.”

“That makes zero sense. Earthshaker is yours.” Ven huffs. “That’s like saying you don’t want it anymore.”

Is that true? Terra rubs fingers to his palm, and considers the possibility. Why he tries for No Name over Earthshaker, exchanging his own essence for something better than what he can offer. Maybe it’s that he can’t trust anything he thinks anymore. No Name is stronger. Facts are facts.

And maybe Earthshaker is no longer Earthshaker anymore. Maybe all Terra has left are the remnants the Guardian digested. Something warped, and stupid, and Dark. Maybe Terra will never again feel what it’s like to hold an extension of Light.

“Can I hold your Keyblade?” Terra asks.

“Hm? Yeah, definitely.” Ven summons Wayward Wind, and the air in the room thaws with a blanket of safety. 

Compared to the length of Terra’s arm, Wayward Wind is a dagger, but sturdy. Eager, excitable, like it wants to fly and never touch the ground again. Terra feels compelled to twirl it in circles over and over, and it brings him childish joy to repeat this movement, like bouncing a yo-yo. While he does this, Ven grins, and Wayward Wind smiles back. There’s a sense of pick-me, pick-me deep beneath the surface, like when Ven raised his hand before Aqua and Terra did after the Master asked a question in class, desperate to answer it before they had a chance. Keeping up. Trailing behind. Keeping up. Trailing behind, always wanting to explore but caught in a cage. Beneath that, this belief that there’s a reason he was left behind. Deeper than that, maybe they were right.

Most importantly, when Terra stops the twirling, and adjusts Wayward Wind’s position in this fist, this expanse of hope quells everything else, knowing the sun comes out on the other side. For a Keyblade so small, it has more optimism than anything else Terra has felt in his life. 

“You’re a good friend to yourself, Ven.”

“I am?” Ven takes Wayward Wind back, but before he can say more, someone knocks on the door. That someone lets himself in. 

This someone is…

“Ienzo,” he says, reading Terra’s confusion correctly and re-introducing himself. Ienzo drags in a cart stuffed with a mountain of journals and reports on spiral bounds. He can barely look Terra in the face, so he addresses Ven. “This is everything Xehanort has recorded.” He clears his throat, and pats a neat stack on the side. “This here refers to the research you specifically requested.”

“Thank you.” Terra says, who was the one who requested the material, not Ven.

“You’re welcome,” Ienzo says to Ven. “Um…” He lets go of the cart, and begins to turn, then stops himself. He faces Terra but looks at the floor. “I suppose this research is your entitlement.”

“Excuse me?”

“It is rightfully yours.” He clears his throat again. “Or is it not?”

Ven gapes. “Sure,” he answers for a shocked Terra, then shoots a look at Terra that says, We’ll burn it all later. 

Ienzo lowers his voice. “Before I leave, there is one thing I wanted to say.”

Terra holds his breath. He would move to Xehanort’s desk so he can begin sifting through the pages, but he’s getting the impression that sudden movement would scare this guy away. 

Ienzo glances into Terra’s eyes. Looks away. Glances again. Looks at the wall. “You look so much like him.”

Ven groans. “It’s the other way around. Xehanort. Xehanort is the one who looked so much like Terra.”

“Of course.”

“It’s okay, Ven.” Terra delicately stands, and takes the leather journal at the top of the stack, where he meets Ienzo eye-to-eye. “Don’t take it personally. It is what it is.”

Ienzo nods too quickly, chin to chest. Before closing the door behind him, Ienzo steps back inside. With a hand on the knob, he says, “I want you to know, he made me feel like I was limitless. He was the one who showed me I could make anything, that I can even fly, and... And I am so sorry about that.”

Terra sits at Xehanort’s desk. The journal is extra-large, the same size of a textbook. A perfect fit for Terra’s hands. 

Master Terra. Xehanort uttered those words. 

“He made me feel the same.” Over his shoulder, he smiles at Ienzo. “No need for an apology.”

“Are we seriously considering this?” Ven asks about the journals when Ienzo leaves them alone, sliding the second-to-top journal off the stack like it smells. 

Terra opens the cover, and reads the date. Two years after Xehanort won.

Terra scans page after page—theory and history, most of it familiar from Fairytale lore, like what’s stored in Affairs of the Heart but legible. These read as summaries. Perhaps he was reminding himself of the basics. “We just need something, Ven.”

“But Xehanort?”

“He knew things we didn’t.”

Ven sighs. Ven understands—Xehanort knew things that hurt Ven more than anyone else, and none of them are found in old tomes.

“I can read these,” Terra says, realizing he’s asking Ven for too much. “You should go have fun. I heard they’re bringing back food carts.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” He’s not. “I want to help.”

“Okay. But if you start to get upset, you stop. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Ven moves over beakers on a shelf to make space for himself, and Terra goes back to the journal, only to skim through the final page and realize it’s not what he’s hoping for.

Next.

A thick folder of yellowing paper scribbled with equations, and no markers to translate what they mean.

Next.

A diary. Terra’s heart pounds. Does he want to know? His stomach churns something acidic when he flips through dates. He shouldn’t. He’s nauseous. He’s curious. These are emotions laid bare, Xehanort’s personal, not clinical, reactions to his experiments. He lists patterns. Glowing eyes for successes, glazed over when failures. There are descriptions of people Xehanort enticed to the dungeons, and—

Terra shuts the diary, and rubs his eyes. He touches himself: hands on wrists, on forearms, on his chest, on his face. This is his face. This is mine… despite being the last face these victims pleaded with.

“You okay?”

“Fine.” Terra sounds convincing enough, and only needs a moment. Reminds himself that not everyone flinches when they see his face. Ven smiles. Ven wants to see his face.

And Aqua...

“None of it was your fault, you know?”

Terra wishes these people had a more peaceful passing. “Thanks, Ven.”

Terra opens the diary again, and thumbs through pages that describe the experiments in too much detail. He wonders if Xehanort was aware Terra was there. But there is no mention of a shadow following Xehanort anywhere. He had no idea he had access to the Guardian for his use.

Not until his Heartless was formed years later. Xehanort’s heart remembered, even when his mind didn’t. 

Terra hits a passage, sounding like the vulnerability of an existential crisis late at night:

I yearn for an old friend I can’t remember, to pass these nights with.

And one more: What used to fill me with joy has left my heart bored. 

Are these passages talking about Eraqus? Or is this Terra’s influence, and they’re talking about Aqua?

“Ugh.”

Terra turns over. The chair can’t spin.  “What’s going on?”

“This.” Ven holds up a leaflet stapled together, damaged by water. Or fluids? It doesn’t look like blood. “It—” He looks like he’s about to vomit. 

“Here.” Terra takes it from Ven, and reads. Theories about the χ-blade, but one passage sounds about right: 

There is a validity to the argument that our hearts are not one source of power, but many sewn together. Light intertwined with Darkness in repressive knots. Not an object that draws a shadow in the presence of a light source, but threads twisted together. To separate the two is feasible, but imagine the difficulty to pull apart raveled yarn one thread at a time. 

To bind them back together, make them relink but in different places, like a puzzle cube, is ideal. This is where the true heart lies, where the soul of Man can be read: What piece is he willing to take out? How would he change? What would he learn if he wove it back together? 

Further than this, I would be remiss not to ask myself, after dreaming of memories I do not have: What would it take me to remove something of which I am not aware is there?

Related to this discussion, how does Man live on? What does it mean to give my share to another, and plant a piece in someone else’s heart? 

By what extension does this method become irreversible? Is that what I want?

A footnote:

I’ve done it. Braig has become my first successful attempt. I made certain that it would be near impossible to remove my Darkness from his consciousness. 

I dare not ponder the possibility of him sharing a piece of himself with me—that is out of the question. Seeing how he has changed proves to me that I must maintain all records of who receives my blessing. 

For the sake of science, we attempted to force my essence out. It threatened to destroy all his memory of me. 

To rule out correlation, I’ve attempted this on [name too damaged by fluid to be legible] and it was successful up until she lost all memory. The night after, she killed herself.  

Perhaps this is in relation to the fact that Braig fully accepted me. I need a different approach. I need a body with no heart at all—

Terra can’t breathe. He hauls a trash can and gags into it, but nothing comes out except spit. 

“Hey, you okay?”

Terra gags again, then swallows. He croaks, “Yeah.”

“It’s all bullshit.”

“Language,” he says, coarse. Vanitas. The curse words have to be Vanitas’s lingering influence on Ven.

“But what does it mean for Aqua exactly?”

Terra reads the words again, searching for an answer between the lines. But there’s no denying it. “The Guardian gave a piece of it—of me, my Darkness—to her. They’ve intertwined. That’s why she’s like this.”

Terra reads the passage again, looking for confirmation that this is so. Was Xehanort aware of Terra’s jealousy? Did his Heartless know? And took advantage of it? Jealous of her, then sabotaged her. Which isn’t… Terra would never…  

And yet, Aqua stands above it all, strong enough (stronger than Terra) to control a new Keyblade. There has to be hope there.

“But… when Xehanort tried to take Vanitas away from me—” Ven sniffs. He hasn’t been able to talk about Vanitas since they’ve come back. “Look what it did to me.”

“I remember.”

“Terra, I don’t want her to forget us.” 

Despite Terra’s own chasm spawning in his chest cavity... “She won’t.” Ven can’t quite believe it, either. 

“I mean,” Ven says, grasping for exceptions, “you were fine. Right? You kept your memory.”

Terra’s breath hitches. “The difference is…” Careful. “I fought him out. Didn’t I? You didn’t want to be separated. Aqua…”

Ven can’t, or doesn’t, want to accept that. He shakes his head. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” Then, without allowing Terra to reply, he says, “Rainfell will bring her back. We just have to find it.”

A knock on the door. This man introduces himself as Even. “His resemblance to you…” he says to Terra. “I apologize.”

For someone who is dead, Xehanort has achieved true immortality—living on in memory. Which includes Terra. He keeps Xehanort alive just by his heart remembering. 

Even leads them into the dungeons, a slow, meticulous crawl down a tower of stairs. Terra is grateful that Ven hasn’t read the diary. All the more blissful. These rooms ooze of Darkness, as if Terra has stepped into the Realm of Darkness with no armor. 

That may not be quite right. Aqua has told Ven the Realm of Darkness is numbing. This place is repugnant, shadows and ink seeping from below the doors. Terra has to cover his face to stop himself from breathing it in.

Even leads them to the end of the hall, where he pries open an electronically locked door with a machine in his hand. Something fancy to bypass some other fancy technological advancement.

“It’s here!” Ven says, running inside. Terra is more cautious, surveying his surroundings before taking a step. A simple throne room that means absolutely nothing to him and is never mentioned in Xehanort’s diary. “Terra, look!”

Among her armor strewn across the floor is a Keyblade. Different, sleeker, with a sharp edge to the blade, designed to strike something as narrow as a tendon with precision. Undoubtedly, this is Rainfell, updated. Terra picks it up, and is blessed with an image of a bright star among all stars, like one offset from a constellation. 

Rainfell recognizes him, and it sighs. It’s tired of waiting. It doesn't know why there is this hollow feeling simmering beneath the metal. Its essence is shallow, like tight breaths, exhausted but awake. Aqua’s star blinks—something within is alive. Rainfell has been a Keyblade of pure, blind faith, but this version is not faith, but conviction. This is what it feels like to have hope.

“This throne room?” Terra asks Even.

Even is deadfaced when he says, “It wasn’t part of the original blueprint. Xemnas built it.” 

Terra’s Nobody built it for Rainfell. Aqua’s star has never stopped lighting Terra’s way back, no matter what form he came in.

“Ven, here.” Terra lifts Rainfell over so they can both touch it. “Say hi, so Aqua knows we’re there for her.”

And when Ven does, he cries. 

~*~

Aqua can’t fix it: the narrow stained glass window in the hall on the way to the residential wing. It’s cracked, splintering her reflection into shards, her golden eyes sliced into knives.

The Master wouldn't be pleased with this, if he were alive. Aqua clenches her jaw. He wouldn't be pleased to look at her either, but Aqua prays to him all the same. I know I'm supposed to be a Master, but I still have questions.

She presses the pad of her claw to the shred between, willing her Darkness to fill the space and seal it together, but the glass breaks off and shatters into minuscule gems on the floor. Nothing in the castle does what she wants it to. She’s even tried to fix the bells so they can ring on the hour. They don’t. She can’t fix them. 

Shhhhh, dear, my dear, this place is not built for you. 

Her shoulder ticks. Every time one of those voices speaks, she resists the temptation to hit something. One clone, two, more, are in the hall with her. Terra and Ven can’t see them. 

Look at what you’ve done, the Second says to her.

It’s not my fault, Third says.

We’ve been alone for so long, the Fourth one says. When are they coming home?

You can’t stay here, says the First. You know it’s not good for you.

“Don’t say that to me,” Aqua says. When they speak, they have her stare at things, wondering if it’s her in the reflection of this broken stained glass, or if they’re all staring back. Is that just her reflection on the armored statues? Only her shadow on the walls? She can’t count sometimes. 

First says, But it’s true, my dear.

Though First has a point. Her shadows are the only things that don't run from her. And another point: as much as she longed to be with Terra and Ven again—

Especially Terra, Fourth says.

—Darkness and Light can't blend that well, can it? Has the Master been right all this time? Aqua groans from the thought. If the Master was right, then why is she like this? Destructive, scratching most of what she touches. Everyone stares at her scales. No one allows her peace. They keep her as close as an enemy.

Don’t make me feel anything, Third says. Please. It hurts too much.

“Aqua!” That’s Ven trying to find her. He has a knack of knowing where she is, perfect Light to perfect Darkness. That’s how it works, right? Suppress the Darkness so much it no longer exists, or let it take over.

Sweet little Ven, Fourth says. 

You’ll break his little innocent heart, First says. Why do you string him along? 

Don’t forget the barrier he put up, Second says. Neither of them trust you.

“Shut up,” Aqua mutters.

“Aqua,” Ven calls when he spots her. In his hand—Look. A perfect Light. The irony, Second says—is a ball of light. “Look what I made for you.” A sphere of fire contained within a tornado. “Neat trick, right? It’ll keep your hands warm.”

“Ven, that’s…” Sweet. Kind. Aqua cups her hands and accepts it. The flames are only slightly homely, a small campfire in the middle of a blizzard. 

Let her feel, Fourth says. I want to feel, too.

First says, No. You know what it does to her. 

“Thank you, Ven.” With him, her tone is muddled, tame, needy. She cups one of his cheeks and he… tenses. Stops himself from flinching at the sight of her claws. But how can she pull away? Ven is her brother—the very reason why she kept going. To wake him up. To see him safe. “That’s so considerate of you.”

Third: Well, you woke him up like you wanted, and look how he repays you. 

First: Making you feel you're too dangerous to be around.

Fourth: It’s nice to be cared for, isn’t it? He needs a hug from you.

Second: She’ll need to declaw herself, first.

“You’re welcome,” Ven says, his smile trembling. It’s like he’s expecting to be scratched.

Aqua lets him go. He needs to be reassured, and she knows just the thing. “Here.” In one free hand, she summons a swirl of Darkness, one to mimic his gift.

Second: You’re still scary.

Aqua tries smiling. It feels too vulnerable, and her muscles stiffen. Ven swallows with effort as he holds her gift to him far from his heart. 

“Really cool,” Ven says in a way that implies the opposite. Awkward silence. “Does it…?” He bends the Darkness into shapes. It’s malleable, and he nods, impressed. “Not bad.”

"Ven," she starts.

First, warning her: My dear.

"I care so much about you," Aqua says. She's not sure if Ven would accept an apology for brandishing a Keyblade against him in the heat of the moment.

Ven smiles, like a salve soothing her over. "I know."

For a moment, Aqua is at peace. Even when uncertain and wary, Ven’s smile is a balm. He’s safe, and he will always be safe under her care.

Then— 

“Ven, Aqua, you there?” Terra. His voice shatters every treasure of glass she keeps in the mirrors of her mind. There’s a deep need to listen to him crack a joke, even if she doesn’t, or can’t, laugh. A desire for him to tell her he needs her just as badly, and a fear that isn’t true anymore. Like drowning in sand, Aqua doesn't want to be so affected by every small gesture he does. But she is. Every time he’s around, Aqua’s heart bleeds. She can’t help it. Can’t stop it. Can’t fix it.

First: Oh, my dear. Can’t you see? You can’t stay. 

“Stop.”

“Mm?” Ven says, looking up at her. “Did you say something?”

Strapped to Terra’s back is Stormfall, but Aqua has known it was coming. Terra and Ven both have cried on it. She would have cried with them if she could.

Stars, Terra’s shoulders are so broad, his chest so powerful, his waist thick. The way he moves twists a scalpel in Aqua's heart: the even pace between his strides. Timid. Not the way they rush when he's confident. Or how his knees bounce too much when he's distracted with trying to impress. Timid, like a dog with a tail between his legs.

She feels the need to apologize to him, too.

Second: What for?

First: There isn't any reason.

Third: It should be the other way around.

Fourth: He already apologized. It wasn't enough for either of you.

The space under his eyes is dark. Sleep evades him, his tan face a little pale. And when he looks at her, his smile is tight, but his deep blue eyes betray him. She can hear the thump-thump of his heart. She’s an animal now. She knows when something comes alive when they see her. 

That last night before the Mark of Mastery, she should have stayed in his bed.

If you did, First says, you would have taken with you the memory of what his skin would have felt on you, around you, inside you. His warmth, his weight. You’ve forgotten, haven’t you? His smell. His voice.

That Keyblade… Second says.

He’s always had such a beautiful jawline, First says.

That Keyblade! Third says.

It hurts to look at him, First says. Doesn’t it? Don’t you want that pain to go away?

Terra does that chuckle when he’s nervous, the signal that she’s been staring at him too long. “Look what I have.” His bicep flexes when he reaches to pull Stormfall off his back. “Rainfell.”

Come home, First says. 

“It’s Stormfall now,” Aqua says. Her Keyblade croaks, as if reaching a hand out to speak to her, but Aqua doesn’t want to hear it. Stormfall can’t agree with an anti-heart, let alone an Anti-Aqua. 

Ven’s fire churns in her hands. It burns. Too much. She crushes the tornado and snuffs out the fire with her claws, when she doesn’t mean to. 

She can’t fix this, either.

Ven tenses. He lets go of her Darkness, and it dissipates. “Um…” 

“Ven,” Terra says, nodding his head to the side to indicate that Ven should leave and give them some space. Ven obeys.

When they’re alone, Terra plants a smile on his face. An olive branch. “Stormfall, huh?” He tests its weight, then offers the hilt. “Suits it nicely.”

Aqua doesn’t take it. “Does it feel any different to you?”

Terra raises his eyebrows, surprised by the question. “You don’t sense it?”

Hmm, Second one says. Do you notice Earthshaker is not near? 

Aqua swallows. “Barely," she lies.

“I think you’ll feel better when you hold it—”

Aqua winces. 

Third: When will he ever learn? 

“Why?” she asks.

“Why what?”

“Why do you want me better?”

Terra gapes, and Stormfall snaps her bite in his hand, making him flinch. He composes himself. “I… I don’t want you to suffer.”

Not quite. Stormfall says he wishes for things to go back to the way they were. “You want me happy.”

His eyes soften in a way that melts her. She’s known for years. It’s love. 

First: Is it really? Are you sure?

“Of course I do,” Terra says. 

“So happy that you’d want me changed?”

Terra inhales, then holds it in. “That’s not what I meant.”

“You want to know when Stormfall changed?” Aqua steps forward, when she shouldn’t. He smells like sandalwood. In the Realm of Darkness, there was no smell. Aqua steps again, when she shouldn’t. Terra, hold me. Is Stormfall telling him this? Of course, she can’t lie to her Keyblade. He’s closing the gap, stopping just short. “It transformed when I realized I had to fight you.”

Terra lowers his gaze to his shoes. 

“Don’t apologize,” Aqua says, recalling how discouraged she was when Rainfell transformed. How she questioned everything—her education, her path to Mastery—as a lie. How Stormfall told her to keep her head up. That there is an answer to find. How naive. She once chastised Terra for being so close to the Darkness. Look where she is now. “I would have—”

First: Don’t. You know what that will do to him. And what he will do to you. 

Terra’s brows furrow. “You okay?”

Aqua grits her teeth. “Yes.” 

He smiles when he means to cry, and Aqua has the mind to kiss his eyelids and wipe the tears away. “Okay,” he says. “What were you saying before? You would have done what?”

Made the same choice all over again. For you.

Her chest hurts.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she says instead, desperate to keep her defenses up and ease the pain back into numbness. 

“I didn’t say you did.” He offers Stormfall again. 

Second: He does that. Nudges when he wants something and you’re busy. 

Third: Pokes when he wants something and you’re annoyed. 

Fourth: Questions you even when you’re right. It’s amusing.

First: My dear, you adore it when he does that. Careful—it’s going to hurt later when you want more and he can’t give it to you.

Terra smiles wider. It’s love. 

First: It’s—

Love. Shut up. Stormfall knows, though its link is weak. Terra is trying to hide it: Terra needs her, in the faintest whisper possible.

“I can’t take Stormfall,” Aqua says. 

“You can.”

Second, pointing: Look at him nudging.

“If Stormfall exists,” Terra says, “then by definition, you still have Light within you.” He finally exhales. “But that’s always been the case, right? A shadow can’t exist without Light, so, by definition, you are Light.”

Second: How preposterous. 

“Terra,” Aqua stresses, wanting to hit something. "Look at me.”

“I am.”

Stormfall gasps. It calls to Aqua. He’s about to say—

“Don’t say it,” Aqua says.

“Aqua—”

“Don’t—”

“You’re beautiful.”

First: Oh, honey.

Second: Ouch.

First, crossing her arms: He doesn’t have the privilege to say that.

Third: Why does that hurt so much?

Fourth: You are.

Beautiful… Even with these claws?

Stormfall betrays all of what Aqua wants to hide—it hurts, hurts, hurts, but Aqua wants it, and Terra feels it, so Terra wraps his fingers around the inner flesh of her wrists, over her scales. Touch me, so he does, gliding his hand up her forearm, brushing fumes from her skin, under her torn sleeves where he exposes smokey skin. Touch me more, and he pulls her in, embracing her. Terra plants his lips on her forehead, barely warm but there, and Aqua wants, and Aqua needs, and Aqua hurts. Aqua smells his sweat and sandalwood, and Aqua leans her face at his jaw, and his lips come to her eyebrow, and he kisses her there, and she kisses him too, close to the ear, and he digs his nose into her neck, and he opens his lips there, and Aqua wants, and Aqua needs, and Aqua hurts.

First: This is how you disappear. 

Second: Gut him. 

Third: Please, I can’t. All he does is make you want to cry.

Bury her, First says. You think you may want this, but when he leaves…

You are not Light, Second says. Not anymore. He’ll see that eventually.

No one is going to want your heart when they see what it’s really like now, Third says.

I love him, Fourth says. Can I keep him?

“I wish they would shut up,” Aqua whispers to his ear.

First says, We’re only looking out for you. 

“Who?” He pulls back and holds her by her bare shoulders.

She shouldn’t have said that out loud. That sudden empty space between—a stab now. That small warmth, all gone. “No one.” 

“Aqua?” He’s worried. 

Just hug me again. “I’m fine.”

“Here. Take Stormfall.”

She scoffs, wanting to push him. He always says things at the worst time, ruining everything. They were right. He can't accept her the way she is.

“So I can feel better?” She does push him. She wants to scratch, but stops herself. “You want to know why I’m like this?”

Terra looks like he’s been slapped on the face. With a low voice, he says, “I already know.”

“Is what I’ve done for you not enough?”

Terra squeezes his eyes, like she’s a monster in his closet he’s wishing away, saying, You’re just a nightmare. You’re only a dream. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” 

“What more can I give you? What more do you want?”

And, as if he can read her mind (Stormfall, that bitch), he says, “I want you to stay. Don’t go.”

Aqua can crumble. 

First: Come home.

Second: Come home.

Third: You’re safe with us.

Fourth: Stay home. 

First: Don’t leave us. He doesn’t know you anymore. We do.

Aqua balls her claws into fists. Because of the scales, they don’t sting. She shouldn't tear her heart out for him. She shouldn't. “Terra, all I’ve had for years were memories.”

Terra’s eyes water, but he blinks, and it’s gone. “Was I a good memory?”

First: My dear, you’re going to cry. You know I can’t allow that. 

“Yes,” Aqua says quietly. Stormfall and his heart could fly with hope. But is it false hope? “But,” she says, hesitating. “I’m your worst mistake. Aren’t I?”

His eyes grow hard. Determined, ready to fight. This is the one and only thing he’s confident in. “You have never been a mistake, Aqua. Never. And while I’ve done stupid things that have hurt you, not one regret of mine was you.”

Second, pointing again: Look at him questioning you.

“You’re not alone anymore,” Terra says. He opens his arms, his chest in jeopardy for attack. “You have me now.” 

And she wants him. And she needs him. But she hurts.

First: All those years alone...

He reminds her she's Dark, wanting him to grovel at her feet for forgiveness. He's Light, brave and radiant. He’s disarmed her and dealt the hardest blow, leaving her raw and bloody.

Fourth: My love, be gentler to yourself.

First: She's truthful. She owes that to herself.

Aqua doesn’t want to be read, needing to keep her heart buried and still. But he reads her page after page, like he’s dug into the dirt and pulled her out screaming. For once, Aqua looks away. He’s going to be the last one standing this time. 

“Aqua, don’t leave.”

“I can.”

“Don’t turn your back on Stormfall.” 

“I will.” 

“How do you expect me to let you walk away?”

“You let go.”

“I won’t.” He follows her, and takes her elbow. 

She shoves him off. “What do you want me to do?” 

Again, that fighting glare. “Let whatever I hurt you with go.”

“No, I won’t.” Aqua raises her voice. 

“It’s not good for you!”

“I have a piece of you with me.” She cups her fist to her chest. “Finally, after all these years. And here you are…” She blinks, unsure of what weapon he has in his pocket to throw next. “After everything, I finally have you back… and you can barely look at what I’ve become.”

“I didn’t—”

“I can’t walk away and have nothing to remember you by. I will never let it go.”

“Then share it,” he says too fast. 

First: Poor thing. He doesn’t understand what he’s asking for.

They lock eyes, blue to gold, and Aqua can barely fight him off. He has a habit of knowing exact secrets when she doesn’t want him to know, saying the right things at the wrong time. He might as well pierce her heart with a needle. Share it. That’s all she wanted, to share this with someone else. 

But she can’t do that to Terra. But she can. But she shouldn’t. But she needs to.

She needs to? She needs him to stay far away from her, for his own safety.

“You want your answer? To Stormfall?” Aqua says.

Terra starts to say something, but she cuts him off. Aqua takes Stormfall, and it feels… too intimate, like being stuck in a tight closet with a distant ex-friend. But it knows something is wrong. Confusion, and this electric discomfort. Stormfall does not want anything to do with whatever Aqua is right now. This isn’t it. This isn’t right. 

Aqua can’t fix it. 

“This is your answer.” Because Stormfall does not accept her either, Aqua drops it. It clatters when it hits the floor. She hears Terra pick it up again, slowly, as if with care and reverence, as she walks away. 

His touch wants her to come back home. 

But where is home?

First: With us.

Where it’s cold.

Fourth: With them.

Where it’s warm. 

All she wants is a nightmare she’s familiar with, not one that scares her.

[revalentine2]

Forecast: Steven! - Team Objective plays Pokemon Emerald

With these two at my side, the oceans and skies can no longer stand in my way!

Hello, loyal members of Team Objective! Last time, we crossed the waves and reformatted the team going forward! This time, we head east of Mauville to finally see what's up ahead.

In the time between, I've gained enough fundings to outfit the team with some TM moves. Wish I had more, but we are...still pretty scrapped for cash.

(...I'll need solid funding if this is to be a serious endeavor...)

WHATEVER! Steven's here. let's see what he wants!

...Steven, you've met me, right? Of COURSE I'm only going to use my favorites! Object pokemon are my entire identity!

Ignore the HM user Marill.

Uh, sure? Will you have better pokemon than birds in suits of armor by then? Gotta say, your lineup has been pretty disappointing.

This jungle is quite beautiful, but really doesn't have what I'm looking for. We're here for objects, not objectively beautiful scenery!

Team Aqua's raining this weather institute! And they just threatened to KILL ME!

Fat chance!

I know I am! You're disgustingly weak!

Team Magma again, too? Heading for Mt. Pyre...I think I've heard of that. It's the local pokemon gravesite, like the Lost Tower back home. If that's the case, it's worth a look...

Wha-HUH? They're giving me a pokemon!?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD IT'S ABORABLE.

The scientists are filling me in about this thing! A pokemon MADE by science? It's like Porygon! And it manipulates the WEATHER...It's body is made of cells like water molecules! It's basically a living cloud! I love it!

Sadly, my team doesn't really have the space for Castform at the moment. I wonder if Dad would like it? Maybe I'll send it over.

Oh, it's Bozo again. He was really strong last time we fought, quite the roadblock actually-but we've grown exponentially since then! Let's crush him.

Not even worth commenting on. Loser.

HA! I made him mad! Wait, who are you again? Eh, who cares.

This region keeps nailing it with its environments. I don't think I could live in a place where bugs fly in the window every day, though. Give me a volcanic cave or a polluted factory any time.

Let's not waste our time here. We can probably wrap up gym number six today-

...

W H A T.

I...guess we go forward, then?

That pokemon looks even more like a beach ball than marill, but I can tell it's a whale. A mammal masquerading as a fish masquerading as an object. How strange.

Oh, hello again Steven. What's that, you want me to prove myself against...one of these invisible things? Well, that's fortuitous. Still, we've known each other this long and I still have no idea what you're all about other than being the kid of a CEO.

Anyway. I hope this invisible pokemon is a ghost! Maybe it's possessing something cool?

Oh it's a lizard. Whatever. Hey. 'Splodey, wanna use your namesake?

Glorious.

And with that, we now have the means to enter the next gym! Turns out we didn't need Steven's thing after all and the lizards still die if you explode near them. Cool! Uuuuuuunfortunately, I've ran all out of time for today. Oh well. Next time it is!

Team Objective, because Object pokemon are Objectively the best!

Team: StepStone the Graveler (F) Skybomb the Koffing (F) Sungaze the Solrock Iris the Baltoy 'Splodey the Electrode Maximum the Magneton

...

He liked it :)

[itskristal]

JOURNAL 20. LOCATION: OLIVINE LIGHTHOUSE

<<Hey! Are you still there? Is this thing still working?

I accidentally dropped my Pokegear in the harbor and Minerva had to swoop to my rescue again. An overnight bath in some rice seems to have fixed things though--this model is just built different, apparently! Bill was nice enough to help me with some test calls, but I think we're officially back online.

Whitney won't stop ranting and raving to me about how lovely Jasmine is, so of course I marched straight to the Gym--but OF COURSE she wasn't there. And OF COURSE she would be at the top of the city's lighthouse, filled with trainers itching to battle... Ugh.😩

I went to eat at this tasty restaurant down by the port and got to talk to a LOT of the sailors there. They got their teasing in, of course--one even said I didn't have a 'killer instinct,' which is...true, I guess? But I guess they warmed up to me--I didn't listen to all those DJ Mary radio interviews for nothing, you know!! One sailor upgraded my fishing rod, one told me more about the new Battle Tower being built, and one even gave me a hidden machine for Strength. (Mira is going to have some fun learning this one...!)

I learned that all the sailors are crew for the new S.S. Aqua ship--how cool is that? I want down by the harbor to check out the boat construction and fish...and ended up catching a timid Chinchou. (Her name is SCUBA, and Bill promised me she'd be kept nice and secure in the storage system! Good luck, Scuba! Reminder to meet all my 'boxed' Pokemon later...)

When it came time to scale the lighthouse, I miiiight have overdone it on the healing items--but I ended up needing all of them to keep my team healthy! Mira learned Dragon Rage and almost tore another hole through the floor--what's with all of Johto's buildings having these pitfalls anyways? Still, we were careful enough, and that's when we got to meet Jasmine and Amphy.

Even thinking about Amphy right now makes my heart break! Poor, poor thing...and Jasmine was so lovely, but she's shier than Scuba was--and I could tell 100% of her energy was going towards Amphy's care. Despite that, she congratulated me on scaling the Lighthouse and we shared a little Fresh Water teatime together while I filled her in on what I've done so far...

Jasmine said that Amphy needed the SecretPotion from Cianwood Pharmacy, and I accepted the mission before she even thought of asking. She kept asking if I was sure, if I wanted to make the trip, blah blah blah...but my mind was already made up. If I can help make Amphy feel better, then that's just the right thing to do. Case closed. 😤

Maybe I've bit off a little more than I can chew...I guess I can't resist playing hero...but as I'm fitting Mira up with our supply pack of Fresh Waters and medicines (thanks for the reminder, Mom), I keep glancing at that glittery Battle Tower in the distance...and that endless sea in the other direction. (One of my sailor friends lent me a star map but I don't know how to read it!! Now seems like a good time to learn...because I'm not turning back. Amphy needs that medicine, and my team--especially Lumi--is ready to set sail.)

Oh gosh

What have I gotten myself into now?>>

[rainbowdelicsunshine]

Hiiiii bff I’m here to make you busy for an hour. Do all of the identity asks bc I want to know the answers 💚

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

I'll make this a short one to start things off!

To Read: Iguana Girl by Moto Hagio

To Watch: Chucky/The Child's Play Franchise (esp Bride and Seed)

To Listen: (This time I'll be giving out two songs for this since it'll represent two sides of me as a person) The Clown by Beecake and NRG by PonySauce

2. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

One person that comes to mind for me would be none other than Opal Whiteley!

She was a naturist and a writer who became famous for her childhood diary that she started at the age of five called The Diary of Opal Whiteley or The Story of Opal: The Journey of an Understanding Heart, which tells her account of befriending and hanging out with fairies and talking animals in the forests where she grew up nearby Cottage Grove, Oregon

I just find her to be an extremely fascinating person who I highly relate to due to her views of the world and mythical creatures and talking animals (plus I have a feeling that she was autistic so yeah)!

3. List your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with

For this ask, I'll shorten this to five of my fandoms since I'm in so many of them!

Chucky/Child's Play - Glen Ray

Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Master Shake

Danganronpa - Teruteru Hanamura

The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers/The Freak Brothers - Freewheelin' Franklin

Welcome Home - Barneby B Beagle

4. Do you like your name? Is there another name you think would fit you better?

I do like my IRL name since it's both unique and pretty (plus it's a biblical name that means "weary-eyed" so there's that too)!

The thing is, I'm basically namefluid so I LOVE being called nicknames and other names that aren't my real name (for example being called Fozz and Hobbes makes me super giddy since I love being called multiple names

(also my IRL name is Leah, but ONLY CLOSE FRIENDS/MUTUALS/MY GF ARE ALLOWED TO CALL ME BY THAT)!!

5. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do?

OH, I DEFINITELY SEE MYSELF AS A HUMAN DOING MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!!!!!

I never heard of this saying before, but now it makes so much sense to me, it feels like two dots connected for me and I love it!

But yeah, I have a VERY hard seeing myself as even human, let alone a human being lol!

6. Are you religious/spiritual?

As stated in previous asks/posts, I am very spiritual, just in my own way where I just mish-mash a bunch of things about life and how it came to be into one belief system of my own making!

These beliefs include believing in the multiverse, believing in past lives/being otherkin + fictionkin, believing that certain kinds of mythical creatures like fairies and magic, and believing that Jesus was actually a wizard that knew and was capable of magic due to being a demigod of sorts!

7. Do you care about your ethnicity?

Other than my heritage in German, Irish, British, and 1/16th Native American (Shawnee), there's not really much about my ethnicity that I truly care about due to how white me and my family are!

8. What musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

For this question, I'll give out a top three list since, again, there are so many musical artists that I've connected with over my lifetime!

Daft Punk

Sublime

ICP (Insane Clown Posse)

9. Are you an artist?

That would be a big fat YES!!!!

10. Do you have a creed?

I have a feeling that I do, it's just not the definition that was created from Christianity!

11. Describe your ideal day

At this point in my life, it would be spending my entire day with my girlfriend since we're currently long distance/online so I've been waiting for the day that we'll be able to do all the cutesy couple things I've been LONGING to do!

12. Dog person or cat person?

Most definitely a dog person! I just love dogs and the way they show their affection, plus I just wouldn't want to have a litter box in my house, or to deal with cat shit n piss in general (ew sorry)!

13. Inside or outdoors?

Though I love going out to do things (like eating out, going out to malls, going to dispensaries, etc), I mainly just love to hang out at home and binge-watch TV and other indoor activities with my friends if we're all broke or there's nothing better to do! (sorry to those who like walks and hiking with no destination like a store or food, but its just not something I'm into unless someone else is walking/hiking with me)

14. Are you a musician?

I may not make money off of any of my singing/music I make but I do consider myself a musician of sorts!

15. Five most influential books over your lifetime

Any and All the Calvin and Hobbes books

Goodnight Punpun by Inio Asano

Most Books written by Beatrix Potter

The Eye Book by Dr. Suess and Theo. LeSieg

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

16. If you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

I have a feeling that since I have autism, I feel the only way I would've turned out differently was if my family had more money/had connections in money. Another would be if we had more family around us that wasn't dead or dead to us

That way, I feel I would have more opportunities and connections to make myself money/get myself a job and a one way ticket tf out of where I live currently cuz I hate it!

17. Would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

Personally, I feel myself online/on social media is a much more genuine and authentic version of myself than my IRL self since I'm in an environment where I have to "tone down" myself so I come off more "quiet and introverted" than I personally would like to present myself as

Plus autism and other shit makes me super anxious IRL, thus not being able to be as open and easy going as I want to be IRL (plus other people and their anxieties and pressure they put on me doesn't help either)!

18. What’s your patronus?

Since I'm not a Harry Potter (and never will be), I will not be answering this question!

19. Which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

Please refer to the previous question above for your answer!

20. Would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

I would LOVE to live in the world of MLP:FIM!!

I just feel that it's pretty much the world in its most ideal state and the only problems are god-like beings, monsters, magic, and racism against other species (which got stomped out straight away like it should) which is all very easy to take care of, so why wouldn't I wanna live there?

21. Do you love easily?

I would say I do to varying degrees depending on how close I am to a particular person!

Like, it's not easy for me to find someone to fall in love with but when I do, I do fall HARD and super easily so there is that!

22. List the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order

Alright it's gonna be hard since I don't do much on a daily basis but I'll try!

Sitting in my bedroom, on my bed, browsing around on my phone and doing nothing

Smoke Weed

Wandering around my house, doing various chores like taking out garbage and washing dishes

Napping/Sleeping

Drawing/Working on Artistic Projects

23. How often would you want to see your family every year?

I mean, since I live with my dad and brother I see them every day (and it gets tiring ngl lol)!

When I am able to move out and live on my own, I would visit them a couple times every four months or so

But once I have a family/kids of my own, I would visit a lot less due to that, but will still try to see them anytime possible that's not just birthdays or holidays!

24. Have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

Oh I've had a few mind-melds with people online, my best friend here (aka you lol!) and in IRL, and my girlfriend but I feel that's only a few people in my life since its pretty rare for me to connect with people right away in the first place!

25. Could you live as a hermit?

I would only be able to live like a hermit for half of the time, but I still LOVE going on trips and going out to do fun stuff (I am an ambivert after all!) so being a full time hermit is out of the question of me!

26. How would you describe your gender/sexuality?

Man,,,,,, I can explain them in the most stupidest and simplest of terms so here we go!

My Gender: I'm everything and nothing under the sun, you can basically call me whatever you feel fits me, even if it's Burnt Toast!

My Sexuality: Mmmmmm Hot people,,,,,, but most rlly Hot people who are good people and aren't douchebags! Plus hot people who love to cuddle!

27. Do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

It. Does. Not!

Mostly because I feel like being human in a human body constantly with being able to shape shift into something else to change things up to not get bored of myself

But half because I feel my IRL appearance is too "plain jane-y" for even my taste (like, I literally look so boring, even the outfits and wardrobe I have barely helps)!

28. On a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

Honestly, it varies highly on what's being said to me and who's it's being said by!

For strangers, it can vary from 3-5 depending on how horrible what they said was

For people I know, friends and family, it's a definite 5-7 since I feel they know how to get under my skin and get away with it by making me out to be the bad guy who's ""overreacting""!

29. Three songs that you connect with right now

Seafood Sushi BBQ - Geordie Kieffer

The Blasta - Insane Clown Posse

The Pot - TOOL

30. Pick one of your favorite quotes

"The Touching of Hands"!

- Chucky (Scene Commentary from the Child's Play Anniversary DVD)

I just find it a very funny and underrated Chucky quote that has contributed to my vocabulary and the way I talk today so hooray!

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Thank you soso very much for sending in this ask Beetle my awesome bestie, I had such an awesome time with this post even though it took forever to type all this down XD!

I hope to see you drop by again and have a fantastic night my friend!!

[timeaftertime-chriscornellfanfic]

Chapter 4 - Disappearing One

Toronto Ontario Canada, January 31 1972

Andi

"But John this is crazy... there's got to be some way to explain this,"

"Cathy, just relax. Andrea's  fine see? She's in her playpen, no harm done,"

"But I swear she wasn't there a second ago,"

The sound of my mother's voice filled with worry, echo throughout the living room as my father desperately tries to explain just where I've been for the last 8 minutes. If there was a way that I could explain with actual words, since I can't quite make out full sentences yet, I would just tell my mother that I was only just upstairs but 1 year before this current time.

Yes, I know it probably sounds crazy, and completely confusing so allow me to explain.

Ever since I can remember, which is pretty far back mind you, I've somehow been able to slip through time. I still can't quite put my finger on what actually causes me to do so but it's usually only for just a few minutes. As I got older, the length of time that I would slip increased from just a few minutes, hours to eventually days and weeks, even years.

Now I know what you're thinking... "How does one slip through time?"

It should be easy to explain the process but really, unless you've experienced it yourself it's hard to explain just exactly what happens. At first it feels like the most euphoric sensation you can think of. Like you're purely at peace with yourself, like nothing else in the world means anything anymore. Then it changes to nausea and dizziness like you just drank a 40 of Jack Daniels so fast it could make your head spin. Then, just like that, everything goes black and suddenly I'm somewhere else, naked and alone, trying to find clothes, shelter anything to protect myself.

When I was younger and I would time slip, most of the time I would just end up somewhere else in the house only it could be either 30 minutes before, or as far back as actually seeing my mother pregnant with me.

Yes I have gone back in time and met myself before. It's not a regular occurrence mind you, but It's pretty much how I taught myself to pick locks when I needed to and find the right places to hide if I so happened to end up in the middle of a sticky situation. Most of the time I was alright though. Most people, when they see a naked girl on the street, they try to help as much as they can rather than the opposite so for that I'm thankful.

Now I know most people would think "Well how the hell does that happen? What about the grandfather effect, the butterfly effect and all the other effects of nature that rule against the fact that you can go back in time?"

Well to tell you the truth, I don't know. It's not something I can explain. I can only say that I've only ever been able to travel as far back within my own life time. I can't go back and see the amazing symphonies that Beethoven wrote nor, go back as far to stop World War 2.

Meeting a your future self is something that's amazing and strange at the same time. Every time it would happen, my younger self always knew it was my older self. My older self knew not to tell my younger self about the future, but gave me useful tools like lock picking so that I could protect myself. I was very careful at not disrupting anything that could alter my future for the worse. And... like I said, it was very few and far between that I met up with myself anyways.

"Cathy, I think you're just imagining it,"

"John, I know what I saw. I set Andrea in her playpen turned around to grab her bottle and when I turned back she was gone,"

My father then walks over to me, his boots thudding against the hardwood floor. He picks me up, brushing a few curls out of my face while I smile at him and he places a kiss on my little forehead. Leaning into him, I giggle, resting my head on his shoulder, my little fingers playing with the shaggy curls of his dark golden hair that rest just at his shoulders, and that familiar smell of Aqua Velva after shave filling my nostrils with delight.

"What were you up to baby girl?"

His deep voice vibrates through my little frame and all I could manage was a giggle.

"Daaaady," I manage with my little voice and he chuckles placing another kiss on my forehead.

I think for the most part, my father was in denial of the whole thing. I know it frightened him to no end at the fact that his only daughter disappears for moments at a time, with no explanation and no reasoning and then re-appears as if nothing had ever taken place.

He sets me back down in my playpen and I continue on with playing with my little stuffies without a care in the world.

"John, I think we should take her to see Dr. Fresno... maybe he can figure out what going on,"

"Cathy, she's still so young, she's only 2 years old, I don't even know if a neurologist is going to even see anything wrong,"

"Are you kidding? John, it's been happening more frequent than you realize... but wait, you're hardly ever here with us so it makes sense why you're in such denial over it,"

Oh the inevitable arguing. They argue over everything and it always seems that my father is the one to blame. My mother always bringing up the fact that he was never home, that he was always on the road travelling with his band Steel Gates - a sort of Black Sabbath/MC5 hybrid- playing bars and clubs never bringing in any real money. I for one love my father's music. It's so real and the way he can play, I swear he was like the next Tony Iommi.

"Ok well, I gotta head out here and meet the guys at The Edge... are you meeting me later on?" My father says walking away from me and towards my mother, who just stands there with her arms crossed.

"No, I have Andrea to look after,"

"I told you, you can bring her... you know she loves it when she's around the band,"

She just stands there and glances back at me with her arms still crossed, reluctant to even say goodbye to him, even if it's just for a few hours. 

With that, he hesitates for a moment, as I laugh and giggle playing with my little furry friends, then leans in to place a kiss on my mother's temple though she still doesn't look at him. He then turns and grabs his leather jacket, slipping it on as his boots thud against the hardwood floor.

"Ok, well I'll be home later on tonight," His voice deep as he heads out the door, leaving my mother watching me as I play.

******

Toronto Ontario Canada, June 13 1976

"Ok sweetie, now place your fingers here, here and... here,"

"Like this daddy?" I ask looking at the fret board of my amber burst VOS guitar with a white pick guard, my dark little curls falling in my face.

"Uh huh, now strum,"

I scrunch up my face as I try to hold the strings down with my fingers, my father sitting across from me with his own Cherry Burst Gibson SG across his lap, reaching over and helping me place my fingers where they should be. I start to strum and the oddest sound emits from the amp but once I'm able to adjust my fingers perfectly, the beautiful distortion bellows through the amp.

"Yea... alright now put them all together... like this," My father smiles as he starts to play the three chords in succession like he showed me and I follow along with him as we play together.

I had been learning to play guitar from my father for the last few months since we discovered that music seems to calm the time slip episodes down. My mother insisted that we see Dr. Fresno to see just what exactly is causing the time slips and though my father reluctantly agreed to, he did eventually see that it was a good thing that I was seen by a neurologist.

I've been diagnosed with a neurological disorder - time displacency -not an actually medical term I know but there's never been a case quite like mine before. After some testing, Dr. Fresno discovered that it's a relation to epilepsy but is also triggered by a multitude of emotions, especially if I feel stressed or anxious. It can happen either consciously or subconsciously and when it does, a seizure will take place inside my brain at the exact moment, somehow causing a time slip. At first, the doctor did prescribe medication - the type that helps with epileptic seizures - but that was no use. I was still time slipping. Possibly even worse than before.

Nothing seemed to really work until one day I was in my father's studio  - I was 5 years old at the time -and I walked up to Cherry Burst Gibson SG, and started to play with the strings while it sat on the stand. I've always loved his Cherry Burst Gibson and when he noticed just how attached I became to that guitar, he got me one of my own for my 6th birthday - well not a Gibson but it looked exactly like one - so that I could practice with him. He was amazed at how quickly I was learning Chords and strumming for only being 6 years old.

"...ok now change... good... now D...." He smiles as he watches me keep up with him though I keep my eyes glued to my fingers making sure I was changing to the right chord properly. Then he starts to improvise on his own, playing a little solo part while I continue to strum and I look up at him and laugh.

"Wait daddy wait... I wanna do that," I giggle and he smiles at me.

"Alright sweetie go ahead..." He chuckles and I attempt to try to improvise but everything sounds completely out of tune. I scrunch my face up again and stop but my father continues to urge me on.

"I'm not really good at that," I say and he chuckles a little.

"Andrea it's alright... just keep going, you'll get it," He smiles at me. We continue to play, with him teaching me some more and after a little while I hear my mother come down the stairs.

"Andrea, your lunch is ready," She calls and I set my guitar down back on it's stand beside me.

"You coming with me daddy?" I ask.

"No sweetie, you go on ahead, I've got to work on some stuff down here," He says sweetly as he sets his guitar back down on it's stand.

"Ok... um... can I come back down when I'm done?" I ask.

"Of course you can sweetie, you know that," He chuckles and pulls me into him and starts tickling me. I begin to laugh and squeal as he laughs as well, then eventually letting me go but not before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"I love you daddy,"

"I love you too baby," 

*****

Toronto Ontario Canada,  May 15 1985

"Damn it John, I can't do this with you anymore! I told you this is it! You need to leave!"

"Babe - "

"Don't 'Babe' me. It's done! It's over now just get the hell outta here!"

It was the middle of the night and I wake from my sleep hearing voices coming from downstairs. I push the covers off me and quietly get out of bed, rubbing my eyes to rid the sleep as my dark curls fall down around me. Once I reach the hallway, I can hear my mother screaming at my father from the front door.  As much as you think you get used to hearing your parents fight, you never really do. This time though, it was different.

"Cathy just hear me out ok? It was nothing, it meant nothing - "

"No! Don't fucking touch me! I want you outta here! Just get the fuck outta here!"

I quietly sit myself down on the top of the staircase as I listen to their fight. Even though I was still half asleep, I could feel this strange feeling deep inside my chest. I could hear my father pleading with my mother but she was not giving in. There were so many times before when they fought, that I just brushed it off, not letting it affect me. They were never terribly mean to each other, such as calling each other names or anything from what I  remember, but this time like I said, was different. My mom was just letting it all out calling him everything that you could think of and it makes me wonder just what he did to make her so angry. If he did anything at all.

The strange feeling in my chest grew as he continued to plead with her but she still wouldn't give in. Moments later I hear the front door slam and my mother quietly crying. She then appears at the bottom of the stairs and as she takes a few steps she sees me sitting at the top.

"Andrea, what... what are you doing?" She asks looking away wiping away a tear. I say nothing as she looks back up at me.

"I'm sorry you... heard all that... I didn't mean to - "

"Don't mom, just don't," I say trying to hold my tears back, though I'm not sure why I'm feeling like I need to cry in the first place.

"Andrea - "

She starts but I rise from the stairs and turn to make my way back to my room.

"Andrea honey..." She says as I hear her voice breaking while she attempts to hold back her tears.

"Don't! Just leave me alone," I say, still not recognizing my own voice, hearing myself begin to cry as I hear my mother following behind me. I've never felt like this after they've argued. I've always been able to push the feeling away. Shoving it down into the pit of my stomach and only release it when I play my guitar that my father gave me. This time it's different. I can feel my chest tighten and it feels like I can't breathe.

"Andrea - "

"Go away!" I exclaim and slam my bedroom door leaving her outside in the hallway. As much as I try to will this feeling away, I can feel it growing.

Why? What is this? Why does this hurt so much?

As I feel my heart begin to pick up pace, I close my eyes, standing in the middle of my dark bedroom surrounded with posters of Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, Ramones, and Motorhead, I start to feel euphoric, almost like an adrenaline rush, then completely at peace, then suddenly I feel dizzy and nauseous, like I'm about to vomit.

"Oh god," I exhale and suddenly there's a quick flash of light and everything goes completely black.

**************************************************************************************************

[simplyventi]

Roxas laid against the rail one hand in his pocket and the other holding the phone. The sunset coloring the town in a bronze color as he smiled sadly. Phone clasped in his free hand as he looked up at the sky. A pained expression on his face as he fought to not cry everytime as he dialed the familiar numbers with nimble fingers as he was use to.

" Hey...it's me again...are you there?" He began looking back down at his feet, " Sora." He called the name sour in his tongue at remembering his other's fate, " I got a lot to tell you so hopefully you get this one." He added taking a deep breath, " Xion and I started school as I told you before and we're almost done with our first simester. Learning so much even though I dont care much about it I honestly just sleep. But it's fun to be able to have a somewhat normal life." He said, " Xion and Kairi are together just told everyone they were dating and everyone was happy for them; myself included since they seem so happy. Riku and Kairi are back in school though they have a lot to make up for missing a lot of it." He explained turning towards the rail leaning on arm on the cold steel looking up, " I've actually moved into Twilight a Town officially, living in this small apartment with Axel and Saix living right now door and Xion and Namine living on the other side. Oh my hair is starting to get darker too as you can see it later almost like your's, though it's still blonde. Xion says it's turning into a golden brown which I'm fine with." He chuckled looking down before blinking the tears away as his looked at his camera.

" Everyone else is doing good. Ventus, Aqua and Terra are back home settled, Terra passed his Master's exam today but Ven didnt he's still working hard and Aqua's real proud of them. Aqua and Terra got engaged today and we're going to go celebrate with them. They're waiting for you to come back to actually be apart of it..." He said sadly, " We all miss you and hope you come...come back to us..." He told him, " Please try and come back to us. We can't wait to see you again. It's thanks to you we're all here, I have to thank you for working so hard in getting me here. I...I love you Sora so much and I'm hoping you come back because I want to be able to tell you in person on how I feel." He said blushing, " I have to go but I'll send you another message tomorrow after school." He said ending the message as it sent.

-----

In the Darkness surrounded by buildings and nothingness stood the brunette in the middle of a empty street, no sound; nothing but his breathing could be heard as he brought out his phone and saw a new message. It was around the time they would appear on his phone.

He knew they were from Roxas out in the outside. It did make him happy to get them just because he was working and fighting hard in trying to get back to their world. He pressed the button for the message to play as Roxas' face appeared and he began to speak.

" Hey...it's me again...are you there?" He began looking away from the camera, " Sora." He called his name which helped Sora remember his everyday while he was here fighting off the darkness that threatened to overtake him, " I got a lot to tell you so hopefully you get this one." He added taking a deep breath as Sora couldn't help but smile soft and think.

" I wish I could somehow let you know I get each message Roxas." He thought.

" Xion and I started school as I told you before and we're almost over with the first simester. Learning so much even though I dont care much about it, honestly I sleep in class." Sora couldn't help but chuckle remembering how he slept in class and was failing, " But it's fun to be able to have a somewhat normal life." He said the brunette was happy for him since all he wanted for Roxas was to be happy even though his voice sounded sad, " Xion and Kairi are together they just told everyone they were dating and everyone was happy for them; myself included since they seem so happy. Riku and Kairi are back in school though they have a lot to make up for missing a lot of it." He explained turning towards the rail leaning on arm on the cold steel looking up, " I've actually moved into Twilight a Town officially, living in this small apartment with Axel and Saix living right now door and Xion and Namine living on the other side. Oh my hair is starting to get darker too as you can see it's almost like your's, though it's still blonde. Xion says it's turning into a golden brown which I'm fine with." He chuckled looking down before blinking the tears away as his looked at his camera, Sora couldn't help but let the tears fall too. He was trying to get home to them and he wasn't giving up.

Roxas continued on looking back at the screen forcing a smile, " Everyone else is doing good though. Ventus, Aqua and Terra are back home settled, Terra passed his Master's exam today but Ven didnt he's still working hard and Aqua's real proud of them. Aqua and Terra got engaged today and we're going to go celebrate with them. They're waiting for you to come back to actually be apart of it..." He said sadly as Sora was happy for Terra and Aqua but sad to hear they were waiting for hin, " We all miss you and hope you come...come back to us..." He told him Sora sniffled, " Please try and come back to us. We can't wait to see you again. It's thanks to you we're all here, I have to thank you for working so hard in getting me here. I...I love you Sora so much and I'm hoping you come back because I want to be able to tell you in person on how I feel." He said face flushed red as Sora's face did as well having the same feelings for him, " I have to go but I'll send you another message tomorrow after school." He said smiling before the message ended.

Sora couldn't send anything back to him but he wished he could. He would let him know he got every message he has sent him and would tell him he was gonna get home and that he loved him too but he knew one day soon he would get to see the blonde again, " I promise Roxas...everyone...I'll make it home."

hey… it’s me again. are you there? [x]

…can you even hear me?