#I've never thought about that ship once fyi

[rius-cave]

Just woke up from a dream that was, for some reason, Blitzo x Adam, but somehow???? they were brothers????????? ????????????????

[mania-sama]

Just want to say thanks so much for that post about you prefer Kevin/Neil over Neil/Andrew. Yes, I thought I was the only one. Agree with your answers about them, also not that I hate on Andrew but I don't see and feel the chemistry between him and Neil. FYI, I have said this to my AFTG moots once before and got blocked (that is why I never said it again until I found your blog).

And as fan of Haikyuu, don't you feel that Kevin/Neil kinda remind you of some other duo? Yes, Kageyama/Hinata. Wait, I know their personality is different but somehow their dynamic is kinda similar, right?

Sorry, if it's kinda random, but I got into AFTG because a friend of mine said, "You love Haikyuu, right? It's like that but with mafia and troubled kids" (worst advice ever, but I grew to love AFTG, too). And somehow, as I read them, I thought Neil will end up with Kevin if it's mlm story, and he end up with Andrew instead?

Oh yeah, can I ask what do you mean with "Andrew is the most unrealistic part of AFTG"?

Sorry for this long ask, thanks if you want to answer....

hey!! thanks so much for sending an ask! it was not too long; i love reading anything and everything people send me!

So sorry that people have blocked you over something as silly as a ship preference! I see where Andreil comes from; it has plenty of amazing and good qualities, and I'm happy with it being endgame! I just know, in my heart of hearts, that Kevneil should've been the one to cross the finish line. But that's just my opinion, and everyone is entitled to believe or think otherwise.

As far as comparing Hinata and Kageyama to Neil and Kevin, I'm of the opinion that their similarities start and end with their appearances. Outside of being singularly obsessed with one sport, I don't necessarily see the relation. Neil and Hinata are gingers and relatively short, and Kageyama is tall with dark hair. Their dynamics, to me, are different as well; Kageyama and Hinata both strive to get better together, but it isn't the trade-off and companionship that Kevin and Neil hold. Kevneil's dynamic is special in that it's very hard to find a reasonable comparison. They just have so much going on at all times. Kagehina, while a respectable pair, aren't as complex. They better each other even while at constant odds, and while you can say that is the relationship between Kevin and Neil, I feel that it is far too simple of an explanation, almost to the point that it's false.

Your friend isn't wrong to make the comparison. I've often thought this myself, honestly. It's got the same sport-focus while also being about mafia and troubled kids. I actually really like Haikyuu and think it's great; All for the Game essentially combines what I like about Haikyuu and everything I look for in Haikyuu fanfiction (that is, a focus on the individual characters and adding in insane trauma and lore for no reason at all). I personally think it's hilarious. It's one of the many reasons I'm very drawn to this series; it's like reading self-service fanfiction. I am a dead dove girlie at heart, what can I say?

... But on the same token, I have to talk about Andrew. While I don't disagree with my statement that Andrew is the most unrealistic part of AFTG (because he most certainly is), I will also say that this doesn't mean I dislike his character or don't find his story compelling. I do. I resonate with a lot of the ways he processes information, and I like how he represents that not everyone deals with trauma in socially acceptable or "presentable" ways. He's different, and that's okay.

However, here is where I come to a roadblock. I love the Dead Dove: Do Not Eat tag. I like to read when characters, in fanfiction, go through traumatic things. It's cathartic; it's a way for me to separate fiction from reality. I can experience these things without having to get emotionally involved. It's a curious phenomenon. But here's the other thing: I think it's something that should stay in fanfiction.

When you bring these serious topics into a published work, you have to treat it with the lens of professionalism. A video I watched semi-recently explains this very well while talking about the book A Little Life. The creator uses the term trauma porn to describe the general interest in visual works (books/tv shows/movies) where characters go through an unsubstantiated amount of trauma for the sake of... trauma. It's not there for any significant reason other than to be written. That's why it's so popular in fanfiction, and why I'm okay with indulging in it in that format. It's not serious. Fanfiction can be serious, but it's not serious in the same way that A Little Life is meant to be serious. A Little Life would be a perfect fanfiction, but as a published book, it is juvenile and worth very little in the world of trauma exploration.

This is how I feel about Andrew, and in some parts, Jean, in All for the Game. Andrew is raped about a gajillion times in this work. And for what? There is very little reason to keep making him endure this insanely traumatic experience, only for him to wind back in the same exact place he was before. It adds nothing to the story or his character. His original backstory works fine in the narrative: he is repeatedly traumatized as a youth, and this fundamentally changes who he becomes. That is fine. But then it happens off-book... again? To serve as a punishment to... Neil? Then he comes back like nothing happened. As if he was raped for nothing. Because, well, he was. Narratively, no repercussions occurred because of this action. Andrew didn't hold it against him. Neil still experienced the Nest regardless if Andrew did or didn't get raped. Then, it happens... again. This time on-book, and while we do get the satisfaction of seeing his original rapist murdered, it still does nothing. This encounter with his old abuser could have been worth a lot if there had been a proper set-up of conflict, but instead, the author chose to write a rape scene. Because that makes sense? Especially when the character bounces right back as if nothing happened. Because again, nothing narratively happened due to this scene. Aaron gets locked away for a while, and that's about it. It isn't even really a big deal, because they end up working through the details off-book. The team isn't severely impeded by this situation. Nothing happens. Do you see why this is a problem? It's very, very frustrating, and it makes a mockery of a very serious trauma. It is, point blank, trauma porn, and it has no right to be in a serious, published work. Even most fanfiction writers that do write trauma porn would've handled this with more grace and elegance than Nora did.

This alone wouldn't have made Andrew fully unrealistic. Now I want to talk about the issue of the drug he takes. He takes this made-up insanity pill that makes him loopy and goofy. Because of course it does. Even though there is no medical standing for a drug like this to even exist, nor would it medically make any sense at all to cause him to act this way. Furthermore, I am of the opinion that he didn't need to take them at all! Everyone in the book hyped up Andrew's natural state to be horrifying and unapproachable, only for the reveal to be... a stoic guy. I think that he was scarier on the drugs. He was honestly relaxed and seemed to be happier off the drugs despite everyone saying that he was crueler. In the narrative, he didn't even change. The drugs served only as an inhibitor to his playing in the first two books, and another way to make Andrew experience more trauma.

In short, Andrew, to me, is very clearly just a way for a female author to torture a gay male character. I said it, and I will not take it back. I wouldn't care if this was a fanfiction (I do it all the goddamn time), but it's not. It's a published book, and therefore must be reviewed with a critical eye. And she does a lot of this stuff again with Jean, only with a bit more care and finesse. Jean is far more believable than Andrew, and he still runs into many of the same problems that Andrew's character writing fatally experiences.

To quote you, sorry for the long response! I just had a lot to say. I love All for the Game. I honestly think it's a good book series that explores avenues of trauma responses with a fairly entertaining plot; no piece of media is perfect, and some of the greatest have serious problems with them that a lot of people choose to ignore. I love All for the Game despite its many flaws, and I am very excited for the next book of The Sunshine Court duology.

[edda-grenade]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thanks @inaconstantstateofchange for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

54

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

275k (damn, i hadn't realized it was that much overall)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

primarily dragon age (i've dipped into a few fandoms wrt fic writing over the years, but dragon age has been a mainstay for ages now)

and most recently, a for me unhinged amount of bg3

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

GET IT KIDS

The Common Tongue (Of You Loving Me)

Clean-Shaven

Slow Burn (that title is massively false advertising fyi)

Kintsugi

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i Want to respond to a lot more than i actually manage to do >.> unfortunately the comments that are super lovely and involved are often the ones where i get super intimidated about answering bc i want to make it a Good ReplyTM ^^'''

basically if you've ever written me a nice comment, be assured that i swooned over it, even if i never got the spoons together to reply

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Good Men, Fall To Dusk, hands down. p sure that's the only one that could qualify as an actual tragedy

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh hmmm. the majority of my fics tend to end happy overall, but i think Mirror on the Stage, Star to Star, Sun to Sun, and The Common Tongue (Of You Loving Me) are like… the most Joyful?

okay also honorable mention to Rites of Remembrance for having a very horny and very joyful ending XD

8. Do you get hate on fics?

so far, thankfully not! like, a handful of thoughtless comments over the years, but no Hate

(psa: "hey wouldn't it make more sense for this premise if you'd written a completely different fic instead" is a shit comment to give to anyone, alright)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

oh so much

a lot of kink and character/relationship-exploration-y stuff especially! and also i've been called the pegging monarch, so there's that XD

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not really, i tend to have a million AUs instead XD i did write a tiny bit of the hobbit/pacific rim fusion fic ages ago on tumblr! that's probably a contender for the craziest one

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think so XD someone def asked if they could translate one, but off the top of my head i don't remember if they ever got around to it

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep! once a few years ago, and more recently just So Much of the trio au

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

saar/solas <3 i've just accepted that they're my forever blorbos at this point (and yep to no one's surprise i did put them in bg3)

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the rest of the rites verse fics tbh. i still love my space cats, but whew. no more spark to write in that fandom

16. What are your writing strengths?

i write really good smut and really good horror 💪

also people keep telling me i'm p damn good at characterization, which is good bc to this day i feel like i'm making it up as i go along

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

semicolons em dashes run-on sentences my beloved

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if you want to, go for it! granted, i'm coming at this mainly from a fantasy language perspective bc that's what tends to come up in what i write, and i'm v much a fan of picking apart fictional languages

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh god that's lost to the ages. Might have been yu-gi-oh???

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

ohhh man HM. toss-up between The S͍̈́o͓̖̖̺͆ͩͣ̑ṋ̻̭̉͋͑g̓ͥ in the Halls and a matter of love, i think? song in the halls was the first time i Really wrote horror (and had SO MUCH FUN WITH IT), while matter of love is, uh. really fucking personal. it means a lot to me. so, yeah!

[lesbienbys]

After watching a playthrough of p5r and finally playing through the game myself a year later (I've reached the last palace in royal ;-;) I think I have my final thoughts about each of the characters established at this point and I thought I'd share them here instead of twitter because of the character limit. Obvious spoilers for royal and I also mention a p3 and p4 character personality trait but that's about it! TLDR at the bottom

Morgana: akira loves him so I love him :)

Ann: ann is my favorite female pt member and I've only grown to love her more after playing the game myself and seeing how powerful she is, allowing me to keep her in my party the whole game. The writing does her so dirty as a character and her confidant isn't my favorite. Although I did like her rank 9 with shiho, I thought that was v cute (if we skip the fact that you can say you like her while she's emotionally vulnerable). But yeah ann is so great and she really feels like the glue of the group to me!

Ryuji: best boy. Heart of gold, dumb of ass. I really don't mind the whole liking girls thing because he's a teenager, but the writing takes it too far sometimes which I don't contribute to his character at all. But I think I realized how much I loved him as a character when all the pt members are stuck in the velvet room jails and he starts his monologue by talking about his memories of the first palace, and I started tearing up? His was the only one to make me do that because that's when I realized he's been with me since the beginning 🥺

Yusuke: due to atlus' writing once again, I didn't really like yusuke at all in the beginning. I grew to like him more after the palace was over because I really did like his whole story arc. However, the incident that made me really love him though was when I was watching a playthrough and the streamer hadn't romanced anyone yet so they automatically got the beach trip with the bros. This scene is of course a slog to go through because I guess we're supposed to think harassing women is funny idk??? But then fucking yusuke shows up with his stupid lobsters and made me laugh SO hard during a scene where I wasn't having fun. And that's when I was like, okay I love him and his weirdness. His confidant was also excellent and I love him and akira together platonically/romantically.

Makoto: this is where my opinion on a character seems to be... unpopular. When I first got to know makoto I wasn't really feeling her as a character and hoped she would grab me after she awakened. And when she did I was SO excited because her outfit and her persona (johanna my beloved) were so cool and badass. But then after her palace finished I just. Never thought about her again. And I think most of this does attribute to the writing, because her palace and confidant are so Bad, I just couldn't connect with her at all through them. Also her becoming a cop was also one of the worst decisions I've ever seen and makes absolutely no sense. So she's definitely my least favorite member sadly.

Futaba: SHE!!! Oh my god I love her to bits, her palace and confidant are some of the best ones in the game. I'm also such a sucker for found family tropes and so of course I immediately adopted her as ren's sister (shipping her with the protag makes me very uncomfortable fyi). There's not much to say other than she's the best gremlin and I relate to her a lot with her nerd energy. Her palace is up there as the more interesting one in the game.

Haru: I know haru's character can be pretty hit or miss because of how late she comes into the game. I will say that I was pretty neutral on haru's character because of this, until I experienced strikers and went back to royal. I loved her a lot more a second time around, her sweet personality contrasted with her heavy weapon and twisted thoughts when talking about killing shadows makes her such an interesting character for me. I think her weakest point would be the writing surrounding her father's death, I really wished we had seen more of her emotions surrounding it (I also wanted there to be more conflict between her and akechi because that would have made some great group conflict, definitely better than when morgana leaves). But other than that, I think she's excellent and wonderful.

Sumire: My first experience with the game, I felt neutral with her in vanilla because she was just There. Then royal came along and seeing her arc mixed with maruki's really made me love her character a lot more. And while I really loved how she went from depending on akira's opinion for her own self-worth to trying to grow on her own, I don't think it's executed well in the game. I see her saying she wants to be more independent, but then you can also romance her which actually makes it worse for her imo (her constantly looking for the protag's approval after having us learn about her extreme self hatred is not cute to me). I do think her issues make her a more compelling character, the romance thing just bugs me personally (I could have written a much better romance for them tbh but anyways). Her persona is *chefs kiss* and her outfit is one of my favorites. She's also very fun to play as.

Akechi: saved this one for last because I could write a whole essay on this character, but I will try to refrain lmao. I immediately liked his character because you can just Tell he's being two-faced. And you start to see a glimpse of that when he tells akira that he hates him. I knew he was the traitor of the group obviously, but the game surprised me by having him go as far as to shoot the protagonist. I will never forget experiencing that moment for the first time, because that's when I was like oh he's really fucked up. Which of course made me much more interested in his character. I was devastated after the engine room and then elated at the start of royal when I thought he was "alive." Speaking of, akechi's character was already my favorite in vanilla but royal pushed his character to be one of my favorites ever in fiction. 2/2 was one of the most emotionally devastating things I've ever experienced, and it just made his character even more interesting which I thought wasn't possible. I can never stop thinking about how he tells akira to go back to their own reality and how much of an affect akechi's life has on akira's decision. He has so much conviction in his beliefs that he would rather choose to go back to a reality where he is dead than live in a false reality where he is being controlled by someone again. I just want to study him in a lab. I do have a hang-up on his character though. I really dislike that atlus doesn't give him a proper ending to his arc and toys the audience on whether or not he's alive because something something fanservice. The writer in me really wishes they would have left him off as being dead because it would have made his story hit a lot more. Finally, I personally feel like shuake are soulmates on both a platonic and romantic sense, but I think my unpopular opinion is that I don't wish they had a romance route in the game. Tbh I'd rather they confirm he was gay rather than have a romance arc because I'm afraid atlus would obliterate his character knowing their track record on romances and lgbt topic in general. But that'll never happen so!

TLDR tier list:

Akechi

Akira (yes he's his own character)

Yusuke

Ann

Futaba

Ryuji

Haru

Sumire

Morgana

Makoto

[cinnamonest]

About the ugly bastard thing !!! So true!! I've always thought about that!! In every hentai that I've read the guys are barely even cute :(( (worse if they're extremely ugly). Especially about yanderes or just obsessive guys in general. There are some out there but they are extremely rare and always cater to the male gaze much more, barely showing anything interesting for the females, and that's not fair at all >:|

Also, even if some works, not particularly hentai, are about yandere love, they always lose. The yandere in question always either changes or gets eliminated completely, and if i agree that in real world that should never happen, i want to see the handsome obsessive guy snatch the darling and non-con her, manipulate into loving him.. is that too much to ask?? 😭

Is there even a genre for female hentai that is not josei or smut? They're always so soft, very rare to see a good one. What are your thoughts on that? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated 😔

It really does suck honestly. Ok so, I get most hentai from reddit or twitter. So I'm going to take this opportunity to list some reddit communities where I get stuff from! Unfortunately I don't know of any that specifically cater to dark tastes :/ Maybe if I get more active on reddit I'd make one lmao

r/femgazehentai - basically exactly what it sounds like, hentai aimed at a female audience.

r/softmaledom - my personal favorite. I was there from the very beginning and the sub has grown a lot since I started (it was at like a little over 1,000 when I joined and is now over 20,000!) so it's grown a lot and gained a lot of good content. Exactly what it sounds like, softer maledom that isn't super rough.

r/StraightTrapsHentai - be warned for use of the word/concept of "traps" if that is something you're uncomfortable with. Again, exactly what it sounds like, hetero hentai that's either a very feminine boy or a crossdressing boy with a girl. I saw VentixLumine hentai here once lol

r/TheGoodHentai - aimed at including both the male and female in the image and not just a girl with floating hands/dick around her or a faceless male. Very female-oriented.

r/araara - this one is hit or miss, a lot of it is admittedly just pictures of big tiddy anime girls but there's some more cutesy couple-y stuff. The general idea is younger men with older women. Be warned there is (sfw, but sometimes suggestive) shotacon so if you're sensitive to that I would not advise it.

r/adorableBDSM - what it sounds like, soft bdsm hentai.

r/iwanttobeherhentai - designed to make you think "I want to be her." Lots of female-oriented stuff.

r/hentaipetboys - dogboys, catboys etc. There is a lot of BL/yaoi content fyi if that is or isn't your thing, and some content befitting of gentle femdom, and occasionally more maledom-ish.

r/NekoBoysNSFW - same idea as above.

r/gentlefemdom - pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Not my thing but if you're into basically softer, less brutal femdom like praise kinks, gentle pegging etc they have a lot.

r/HuggingHentai - really cute, exactly what it sounds like

r/instantloss - more dude-oriented but I've found stuff I like there sometimes.

r/2Bx9S - this is a ship sub for the main characters of Nier Automata that I have to plug because it's just so cute and I love them so much. They do have nsfw sometimes and it's usually female-gaze targeted.

[bechloeislegit]

LETTERS I'VE WRITTEN ( NEVER MEANING TO SEND) CHAPTER 1

Prompt from ThatWeirdoHannah on FF.net: One of the Bellas wrote love letters to put their feelings out of their head, a sort of venting process, but never had any intention of letting anyone else see them. One day they're found and are given to the person(s) they're about.

You can choose who the writer is and who they're for. I want to see what you'd do with an idea like this."

A/N: It's taken forever, but here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

~~ Letters I’ve Written ~~

Beca threw her keys in the bowl on the side table as she walked into her house. She used her foot to close the door as she shuffled through her mail.

"Bill, bill, bill, junk," Beca said as she checked each piece of mail. "Hmm, wonder what this is?"

Beca set the other mail on the table and looked closer at the larger envelope in her hands.

"Barden, Georgia," Beca mumbled, seeing the postal marking. "Probably from Stacie."

Beca opened the envelope to find a bundle of letter-size envelopes held together with a rubber band and a folded note. She walked over to the sofa and sat down, placing the envelopes on the coffee table. Beca unfolded the note and began reading.

"Hey, Beca:

I hope this finds you well. I heard your latest song, and it was amazing! You have to get me Kelly Clarkson's autograph. I love her!

Anyway, I thought you might want to read what's in this envelope. Don't be mad; Chloe doesn't know I sent them to you, but I do think you should read them.

FYI - I did not read them. They are still sealed, but they do have your name on them. If Aubrey or Chloe finds out that I've sent them to you, I am dead.

Call me if you want to talk about whatever is in these envelopes. Miss you!

Stacie"

Beca threw Stacie's note on the table and pulled the first envelope out of the stack; her name was written on the front. She held the letter using both hands. She wanted to open it but was hesitant. She thought back to the last thing she heard Chloe say.

Beca gave a small, sad laugh because the words weren't spoken to her, but about her. It was three years ago, and Beca remembered it as if it were yesterday.

"Hey, Stacie," Beca called out to her fellow Bella. "Have you seen Chloe?"

"Um, I think she's over there," Stacie said, pointing to a far corner of the room.

Beca thanked her and made her way through the drunken horde until she saw Chloe leaning against the wall, talking to her "friend," Tom. She was about to interrupt them when Tom started talking. Beca stood back, waiting for an opportunity to get Chloe alone so she could tell her the good news.

"Come on, Chloe," Tom whined as he put his hands on Chloe's hips. "For old time's sake."

"I said no, Tom," Chloe said. It was obvious she was slightly irritated as she pushed his hands off her.

"Is this because of that girl?" Tom asked.

"What girl?" Chloe asked.

"That Beca girl," Tom said. "The one in the shower. She is hot. I'll give you that. It was obvious you two were attracted to each other."

"You're crazy," Chloe said with a shaky laugh. "She's a friend and a Bella. And that's all."

"I don't know," Tom said with a smirk. "You two seem really close." He raised and lowered his eyebrows suggestively. "Are you doing her? Is that why you won't go home with me? She can join us; I don't mind."

"Don't be ridiculous," Chloe said. "I admit she's hot, but she' a Freshman, I'm a Senior. She's just a child. Why would I want to 'do' her as you so eloquently put it?"

Beca's heart sank, and tears sprang to her eyes. "So, that's what Chloe thinks of me," Beca muttered to herself. "She sees me as a child and no one she would want to be with. Good to know."

"Sorry," Tom said, raising his hands in surrender. "My mistake."

"I have to go," Chloe said and started walking away from Tom.

Beca hid behind a guy until she knew Chloe wouldn't see her. She pushed through the crowd and out the back door.

Beca stood on the back porch, trying, unsuccessfully, to keep her tears from falling. She slowly walked down the steps and made her way to her dorm.

Beca packed everything up that night and went to her dad's. He answered his door to find his daughter standing there with tears running down her face. He pulled her into a hug and held her.

Once Beca stopped crying, she begged her father to help pay for her to go to L.A. He was really good about it all. He went to her dorm room and got all her stuff and brought it back to the house.

"Chloe was standing outside your dorm room when I got there," her dad told her when he got back.

"Really?" Beca said. "Why?"

"She said she hadn't seen or heard from you since the party last night," her dad said. "She was worried about you."

"What did you, um, tell her?" Beca asked.

"That I hadn't seen you," her dad replied. "But, if I did, I'd tell you she was looking for you."

"Thanks," Beca said, sounding relieved. "If she or any of the other Bellas ask about me, don't tell them where I am. Please?"

Her father reluctantly agreed, and she stayed with him until he drove her to the airport two days later with a promise that he would ship her stuff to her once she was settled.

Several of the Bellas, including Chloe, had texted and called, but Beca ignored them. The first thing she did when she got to L.A. was to get a new phone number. She never looked back.

Now, here it was three years later, and Beca was a Grammy-winning singer and producer.

Beca shook her head to clear the memories and once again looked at the envelope in her hand. She opened it and pulled out a letter; it was dated the day she left Barden to move to LA. And it was from Chloe.

"What the Hell, Beca? You just up and disappear without even a goodbye? You don't know how much that hurt the Bellas and me.

No one knows when you left or why. Although I can guess why."

"I highly doubt that," Beca muttered as she continued reading.

"I assume you went to LA, where you always talked about wanting to go. I hope it's true. I just wished you had said goodbye.

I've cried every day since you left. I miss you so much, and I can barely function. I can't fathom why my best friend would leave days before my Graduation. You promised to be there, and now I don't even know where you are. This is the first promise you've broken; you once said if you promised to do something, it was guaranteed to be done. Why now? Why did you break your promise?

There was something I wanted to tell you at Graduation. Something I had been keeping to myself but had finally decided to tell you. I love you, Beca. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while.

I guess if you could walk away without looking back, you don't feel the same way about me. I can live with that, but I thought we were at least friends. Did I do something? If I did, I am so, so sorry. I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally; you have to believe that.

If it wasn't something I did, what was it? You know you could have talked to me about whatever it was that happened to make you leave. I've always been here for you, and you should have talked to me. Maybe I could have helped you with whatever it was, and you'd still be here.

Don't forget me. I hope one day you can find it in you to reach out and we can be friends again.

I'm going to write to you at least once a month, but I won't be sending these to you. It's more to help me get over you and move on.

Chloe

PS - I do love you, Beca, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you while you were still talking to me."

"She loved me," Beca laughed. "Yeah, right."

Beca scoffed as she put the letter back in the envelope. She set the letter down and looked at the other letters. She let out a heavy sigh and got up and went to the kitchen. She pulled out some leftover Chinese takeout and placed it in the microwave to reheat.

As Beca stood, waiting for her food to heat, she thought back to three years before when she was at Barden University. She hadn't wanted to go, but her parents made her. She both loved it and regretted it at the same time.

Beca loved being at Barden because she gained a family when she joined the Barden Bellas. They were as close as sisters.

Beca was startled out of her memories when the microwave beeped, letting her know her food was ready. She carefully removed the dish, grabbed a fork, and a beer before going back to the sofa.

Beca carefully set her hot food on the coffee table and opened her beer. She took a drink, all the while staring at the letters.

"I wonder how many letters are here," Beca thought. She pulled another envelope from the stack and opened it. It was dated three months after she left Barden to move to L.A.

"Hey, Becs,

It's been three months since you left without a word, and I hope this finds you well.

I miss you. It hasn't been the same for me since you left. I know you wanted to pursue your dream, but I never thought you'd cut me, or the Bellas, out of your life so easily, or so permanently. I mean, I thought we were friends, Becs. Best friends in my book.

Not much more, I can think to say. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

Your friend (I hope),

Chloe

PS - I still love you and really do miss you!"

Beca grabbed her beer and chugged it down. She swallowed the last bit and slammed the bottle on the table.

"Chloe loved me," Beca muttered, and gave a humorless chuckle as she added, "She sure had a funny way of showing it."

~~ Letters I've Written ~~

Meanwhile, two-thousand miles away, Aubrey came home from a date with Stacie to find Chloe, sitting on the floor frantically tearing through the boxes she had stored in the storage closet just off the dining room.

"Chloe, what are you doing?" Aubrey asked.

"I can't find them," Chloe said, wiping a tear that ran down her cheek. "I don't know what happened to them."

"Find what, sweetie?" Aubrey asked as she knelt next to Chloe and pulled her into a hug.

"My letters," Chloe said. She lowered her voice before adding, "The ones I've been writing to Beca."

"Chloe," Aubrey said with a sigh. "I thought you said you had moved on from Beca. You said that this Chicago guy might be just what you need to get over her."

"I know," Chloe said, looking down at her hands. "But, I can't forget about her, Brey. I still love her. Even though she left without a word and hasn't contacted us in three years, I want to see her. I need to see her. I want to know what I did wrong."

"I know Stacie knows where she is," Aubrey said. "It's been three years for God's sake. I'm sure there's some sort of time limit on keeping her actual whereabouts to herself. We'll ask her if she knows why Beca left without a word. You need closure, and you're not going to be able to move on until you get it."

"Thanks, Brey," Chloe said, wiping at her face. "It still doesn't answer the question of where my letters are. I've only been here a week; they can't have gotten lost in that little bit of time."

~~ Letters I've Written ~~

Aubrey and Chloe woke the next morning and drove to Barden to talk to Stacie. They walked into the Bellas house and greeted the girls who were sitting around the living room.

Stacie walked over to Aubrey and gave her a quick kiss.

"Hey, babe," Stacie said with a smile. "Did I forget a date or something?"

"No, you're good," Aubrey said, smiling at her. "We wanted to know if you have a few minutes? Chloe would like to talk to you."

"Sure, come into the kitchen," Stacie said. "Girls, give us some privacy and don't come in, okay?"

"Okay," the girls all called out.

Stacie moved toward the kitchen, and Aubrey and Chloe followed. They sat at the counter as Stacie went to the refrigerator.

"Would you like something to drink?" Stacie offered.

"I'd like some water," Chloe said.

"Same," Aubrey said.

Stacie got three bottles of water from the refrigerator and set them on the counter. She sat down and opened one of the bottles, taking a sip before asking, "Um, so what's up?"

"Do you remember seeing a bunch of envelopes held together by a rubber band when you helped us pack my stuff the other day?" Chloe asked.

"Envelopes?" Stacie said, furrowing her brows as she thought about how to answer. "Um, no, not that I recall. Why are they important or something?"

Chloe sighed and put her head in her hands.

"You still talk to Beca, right?" Aubrey asked.

"Um, yeah," Stacie said quietly. "You know that. What does she have to do with this?"

"Can you help Chloe get in touch with her?" Aubrey asked.

"That depends," Stacie said suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"

Chloe and Aubrey looked at each other. Aubrey turned to look at Stacie.

"Chloe wants to clear the air with her," Aubrey said. "She, um, needs closure, and the only way she can get that is if she can talk to Beca. So, will you help Chloe or not?"

Stacie looked at Chloe. "Before I answer that, tell me what you plan to say to Beca? She's still my best friend, and if you plan to break her heart again, I won't help you."

"Again?" Chloe asked, a confused look on her face. "What do you mean again?"

~~ Letters I've Written ~~

Beca woke the next morning, groaning as she tried to sit up. She flopped back down and looked around, noticing she was on the sofa and still in her clothes from the day before.

"I must have fallen asleep while reading Chloe's letters," she muttered as she looked at the items strewn across the coffee table. "Or maybe the beers and tequila had something to do with it.

Beca licked her lips and ran her tongue over her teeth. "Gross," she mumbled. "Why did I drink beer and tequila last night?"

Beca knew she needed to get up and drink some water.

"Thank God it's Saturday," Beca said as she finally managed to sit up and put her head in her hands. "Oh, God."

Beca gave herself a minute to get herself together before attempting to stand. She got up and had to keep herself from falling over by grabbing the back of the sofa. She felt nauseous and took a couple of deep breaths before she managed to right herself.

"Let's see if I can get to the bathroom without killing myself," Beca mumbled as she slowly pushed away from the sofa. She slowly shuffled her way down the hall to the bathroom. She held onto the wall and wondered when the hallway had become so long.

Beca reached the bathroom door when she heard her phone started ringing. "Shit," she muttered. Her phone was still in the living room. She paused for a moment, torn between getting the phone or going into the bathroom.

"Fuck it," Beca said and went into the bathroom.

It was over an hour later when Beca made her way back into the living room. After throwing up twice, and taking a relaxing shower, she felt like she could face whatever came her way.

The first thing she did when she returned to the living room was to check her phone.

"Jesus, Stacie," she mumbled when she saw Stacie had called and texted about a dozen times in the past hour.

Stacie had left only one voicemail, and Beca decided to listen to it first.

"Hey, Beca, it's Stacie. I, um, sent you an envelope and I need you to send it back to me when you get it. Don't open it. Please? Do not open it. Just send it back. I made a mistake sending it to you. Call me, and we can talk about it."

The voicemail ended, and Beca looked at the letters still sitting on the coffee table. "Sorry, Stacie, but you were too late," Beca muttered to herself.

Beca pulled up her text thread with Stacie. The texts basically said the same thing as her voicemail. She shook her head and threw her phone on the table.

"I need coffee if I'm going to deal with this shit," Beca mumbled. She got up and went to the kitchen to start the coffee maker. While she waited for it to be ready, she went back to the living room and picked up one of the letters she had already read.

~~ Letters I've Written ~~

"The reason Beca left Barden so abruptly," Stacie said. "Was because of you."

"Me?" Chloe asked, even more confused. "What did I do?"

"You broke her heart, Chloe," Stacie said sadly. "She liked you, and she said she overhead something that made her realize you, um." Stacie stopped and took in a deep breath. "You know what? It's not for me to tell you. I'll talk to Beca and see if she wants to talk to you. If she says yes, I'll help you get in touch with her."

"Thank you," Chloe said, sincerely. "I don't know what I could've said to make her leave without saying goodbye. I thought we were on good terms."

"As I said," Stacie said. "She needs to be the one to tell you, not me."

"Okay," Chloe said. "I'll wait to see if she wants to talk to me."

"Good," Stacie said. She looked down at the table and said, "Now, I have a confession to make to you."

Stacie took in another deep breath and slowly let it out.

"Spit it out, Stacie," Aubrey said. "What do you need to confess?"

"I lied about not seeing the envelopes," Stacie said. "I found them and took them."

"Why would you take them?!" Chloe shouted, jumping up from her chair. "They were mine and none of your business!"

"They had Beca's name on them," Stacie said, her voice laced with anger. "She is my best friend, so it is my business. I didn't know what was in them, but I thought she should see them, so I mailed them to her."

"Oh, my God!" Chloe yelled and started to pace around the kitchen. "Why would you do that? This is bad. This is really bad."

Aubrey stood and grabbed Chloe by the shoulders. "Chloe, calm down," Aubrey told her. "This might be a good thing. She'll read them and know how you feel about her. Maybe she'll reach out to you."

Chloe wiped a tear from her eye. "You don't understand, Brey. When I first started those letters, I told her I loved her in every one of them. But, then after I met Chicago, I couldn't stop thinking about how he wasn't who I wanted. I got angry again at her leaving, and I wrote some things that were never meant to be said to her."

"What kind of things?" Stacie asked.

"I'm not telling you," Chloe said as she sank back down into her chair. "Those letters were never meant to be read by her or anyone else. They were for me. I was using them to work through how I felt about her, especially her leaving the way she did, how I couldn't understand why she cut off all communication. In one of the last letters, I told her I hated her, and I was glad she was gone."

Chloe let out a sob, and Aubry pulled her into a hug.

"Oh, crap," Stacie said. "I need to call Beca. She'll be hurt if she reads that you hate her."

"I don't hate her," Chloe mumbled. "I was angry when I wrote that. I apologized in the very next letter. I also told her goodbye and wished her the best."

"I'm still going to call her. Knowing Beca, she would stop reading after she read that you hate her," Stacie said as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Beca's number. "Shit," she said when it went to voicemail. She decided to leave a message.

"Hey, Beca, it's Stacie. I, um, sent you an envelope and I need you to send it back to me as soon as you get it. Don't open it. Please? Do not open it. Just send it back. I made a mistake sending it to you. Call me, and we can talk about it."

Aubrey and Chloe watched as Stacie texted Beca as well. "I'll keep trying until I reach her," Stacie said, looking down at her phone. she looked up at Chloe with a pained expression on her face. "I'm so sorry about taking those letters, Chloe. I thought they would help Beca get past whatever it was you said to make her leave."

"Thanks, Stacie," Chloe said. "If you reach her, please tell Beca I'm sorry about whatever it was I supposedly said. And, I'm also sorry about what I said in those letters if she's read them."

"I will, Chloe," Stacie said. "I promise."

~~ Letters I've Written ~~

"I wonder what's in these letters to make Stacie beg me not to read them?" Beca asked herself as she sat once again, staring at the letters.

Beca picked up each of the letters that she had already opened. She quickly glanced at one before looking at the next.

"They all have that she's in love with me," Beca muttered to herself. "Could that be it? Stacie doesn't want me to know that Chloe's in love with me?"

Beca quickly made her way through the last few. "But why would that matter to her? Maybe she's trying to protect me from getting hurt again."

Beca got up and paced around her living room, thinking about Stacie's call and what it meant. She made her way to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. She went to the living room and picked up her phone.

Beca pulled up her contacts and looked at Stacie's name for a minute before placing the phone on the table. She reached for an envelope near the end of the stack.

Beca took a breath; she and opened the envelope and pulled out the letter dated three weeks ago. Beca let out the sigh and began reading.

"Beca,

I'm done, finished, not going to do this anymore with you because you're not worth it. When you first left, I tried to reach you, but you never responded. And then, you changed your number. I've bugged your father several times, and he won't give me your number or your address. I know Stacie knows it, but she's keeping it to herself as well. So, I'm done. I actually hate you, Beca. I have spent the past three years continuing to love you, and you obviously don't give a shit about me. Thanks for that, old friend."

"Wow," Beca mumbled. "She isn't holding back now."

Beca let out a sigh and continued to read.

"You must think you are so special, sitting out there in L.A in some mansion with your fans and paparazzi falling all over themselves trying to get your attention. It's too bad they don't know the real Beca Mitchell. The Beca I've known for four years who started off being nice and funny and willing to do anything for a friend. The Beca I fell in love with. But, in reality, you're selfish and shallow, thinking you're all that. Well, don't worry because you mean nothing to me, and I hate you, and I'm glad you left."

"She must be pissed," Beca said with a sad smile and a tear running down her cheek. "She didn't even sign her name on this one."

Beca took a sip of her water and looked at the last letter, thinking if Chloe wrote her another one, maybe she got more off her chest. Beca reached for the final letter in the stack and opened the envelope. This letter was dated the day after the last one.

"Beca,

I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean anything I said in that last letter. I hadn't realized how angry and hurt I still was, and the words came pouring out. As much as I hate to admit it, I still love you. You'll never see this, but it does make me feel better to apologize. These letters did what I had hoped they would do. It took me three years, but I think I'm over you enough to move on. I met this guy not too long ago, and we've gone out a couple of times. The only problem with him is he's not you. But, I think he might be someone I can have a future with; we'll see.

Before I seal this, I want to reiterate what I said in some of my other letters. I will always love you, Beca. And I am so proud of you. I have never seen anyone so determined, and I always knew you would make it. You had a dream, and you didn't stop until you made that dream come true. I listen to your music all the time, and I love it. Congratulations!

So, my final words to you are that I wish you nothing but the best in all you do. I hope you're happy, and life treats you kindly. I will always love you, Becs, and I hope one day we might be friends again.

Love, Chloe"

Beca wiped a tear that fell down her cheek. "Well, damn," Beca muttered. "I thought I was doing fine without her in my life. But after reading this, she's made me want to see and talk to her again."

Beca started laughing. Chloe said she loved her music. What Chloe didn't know was that Beca had written a few songs about lost love, heartbreak, and such, and they were all about Chloe. Maybe it was time to bury the hatchet and talk to Chloe.

Beca pulled out her phone.

[piccolina-mina]

Ha! Wow. All anon has done is list a bunch of references for where to find pervasive antiblackness in fandom. Not a single thing mentioned on that list hasn't experienced these same issues.

Anytime it's bad enough where you don't have to be part of fandom to know or hear about it... never ONCE watched Merlinnand yet still very much aware of the misogynoir there.

Trina McGee just shared this year the racial jokes and harassment she experienced as Angela on Boy Meets World, including treatment by Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel. And they went out of their way to deliberately retcon Angela and Shawn's canon relationship from BMW on GMW when they brought her back for one episode to give him a blessing to marry Katie. And Topanga and Corey's kids didn't even know who Angela was and they acted like she wasn't one of their best friends for high school and college and Topanga's bridesmaid. Jacobs has spent the past few years undermining Shawn and Angela's relationship because he resented that it was popular like cory and Topanga and even downplayed and dismissed its importance as one of the most prominent interracial ships on a teen show when they were less common.

How can you bring up HTGAWM without addressing that whole controversy when someone had the audacity to refer to Viola Davis as "less classically beautiful" in a publication? Or how many people dogged out and berated Wes because they preferred Frank and Laurel? Or how people actually said that Annalise was "too ugly" to be with Sam anyway so their relationship was unrealistic? Or how many people thought Michaela "didn't deserve" Asher?

LINCOLN HEIGHTS!!! Don't you DARE bring that show up if you aren't going to mention things like how many times people referred to Nicki Micheax who played Jen as a fking "monkey." How they said Cassie and her white boyfriend should "just be friends" and that she didn't deserve him. How they couldn't fathom what he saw in her... how pressed people were when he was lavishing her love and affection.

Crosby literally cheated on Jasmine on Parenthood, but fans still eviscerated HER and said she was the issue. They accused her of being domineering and controlling. They constantly talked about her hair because she only wore braids.

On a similar note, that exact same language is used often to describe Beth Pearson on This is Us... the amount of times she's called "ghetto" and "ratchet" I've lost count. This shit isn't even limited to interracial relationships with black women FYI, it's black women existing.

And don't act like people didn't stay coming for Zoe and Melanie the actress who played her when Kevin was dating Zoe. People loathe their gosh damn minds! They took scenes like her breaking down and sharing her sexual assault with him and berated her for it. It was horrific! They dragged her for not being his hs sweetheart Sophie.

Girlfriends... do you know how often people berated Toni's appearance and wondered how her basic white boyfriend could have possibly settled for someone as "ghetto" as her? Because most of her criticism was steeped in comparasion to eurocentric standards of beauty as common with any dark skinned woman, and her behavior being negatively associated with black stereotypes.

SUITS! Not only did people stay coming for Meaghan Markle and Rachel conveniently SLASH shippers who didn't like that she came in the way of Harvey and Mike, and Rachel couldn't breathe without being ripped apart even though the entire premise of this show was Mike being a fraud, but they also came for Jessica. She was too bitchy and mean (but Donna was sassy and fun). She was too power hungry. And shouthout to Jessica and Harvey shippers for having to deal with other shippers loudly proclaiming why Jessica and Harvey could never make sense. Yada yada.

The Charmed girls get slammed? Like all the time? This is like Madeleine Mantock's third show in the past decade where she has people attacking her for being a love interest. Charmed. In the Badlands. The Tomorrow People. They stay in her mentions about her hair, her behavior. Her clothes. Her appearance. It's disgusting!

Queen Sugar. We are not going to sit here and not discuss the vitriol toward Rutina Wesley (the SAME SHIT SHE DEALT WITH ON TRUE BLOOD MIND YOU). They had some visually stunning work in the pilot between Calvin and Nova and people were in the comment section losing their crap about this white man touching this black woman with such reverence.

Darla is constantly eviscerated on this show no matter what she does even after she improved. But then some of those same people championed her being with Ralph Angel over the darker black woman who was perfect dating him.

The Good Doctor literally used Jasika Nicole's character Carly as Shaun's test run. The entire time she, who had no qualms about dating someone with Autism, was slaughtered by shippers who want Shaun with his best friend Lea who literally said she couldn't date Shaun because he's autistic. They even had Shaun go to Carly to ask for advice on how to tell the woman who came between their relationship that he loved her. Like ...

The amount of vitriol when Toni was with Jughead and when Josie and Val were with Archie ... are you kidding me? I still remember Vanessa Morgan getting harassed and people accusing her of being a homewrecker because she lived in Skeet Ulrich's guest house. And Ashleigh Murray STILL is relentlessly harassed and called names and racial slurs for everything... her characters actions, being with Archie, sticking up for her castmates and friends... people will come at her and not even the person in question.

Amber Riley was constantly harassed and called names when she was on Glee. Putting her in proximity of "desirable" white dudes (Puck, Sam) had people sinking to new lows of ugliness. Discussing her weight and dying she wasn't pretty enough or I guess white enough to be a real love interest.

Scandal... 😃😄😆😂🤣 K.

Sleepy Hollow burned their whole mother fking show down and killed their LEAD just to keep Ichabbie from being canon. Just because people were equally if not more obsessed with Nicole Beharie than hot, British white dude Tom Mison. Fans screaming and hollering about all the ways Ichabbie should "just be friends" and claiming they didn't have chemistry.

On My Block, tell me why Monse has been called a whore for only sleeping with Cesar, but he isn't for having more than one love interest in the series? Tell me why she was eviscerated for drunkenly chaste kissing Oscar? Tell me why no one is memed and is torn apart about facial expressions and acting skills and everything else like Sierra Capri? Fandom STAYS coming for her!

The nastiness directed at and about Traci on Rookie Blue for her relationship with Jerry ... or when she dated Steve. The fact that she was called a horrible mother and a slut. Or how people didn't understand why anyone would be attracted to her. Again, as usual, this is directed at a dark skinned woman.

The Haves and the Have Nots ... clearly this person is just naming random shows without having watched them, huh?

Hahahaha Meghan Tandy got HARASSED relentlessly by Teen Wolf fans because Braeden was with Derek. Never mind that it was literally the only healthy relationship he ever had with a canon love interest. She has tweeted and discussed this often. She still gets negative stuff in her mentions. And now she gets it for Batwoman too!

I mean, you can counter with all the shows with gay men in them and still get the same amount of numbers or more because shows like gay guys over lesbians, bi/pan women, but that's another discussion. And it still doesn't negate the fact that there isn't enough representation or good representation or that there aren't negative reactions and criticism to that content either.

Nonny: stop pitting black women and gay men against each other.

Also nonny: pits black women against everyone ...

Roswell. Flash. HTGAWM. Pose. Scandal. WestWorld. Bob hearts Abishola. Suits. Firefly. Parenthood. Legends of Tomorrow. Merlin. Shameless. Vampire Diaries. The haves and have nots. Boy meets world. Lincoln heights. Riverdale. Vampire Diaries. Lab Rats. Girlfriends. Parenthood. The Walking Dead. Queen Sugar. Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Suits. Rizzoli and Isles. Star Trek. My babysitter is a vampire. Andi Mack. And more. All have a BW/WM relationships. Stop pitting black women against gay men.

and damn, can i remember full well the hatred that most of these ships got, the vitrol of antiblackness that appeared in the tags, that was directed towards the actors.

flash??? candice patton was literally told to turn off her social media because of the amount of hate she got, that she still gets to this day from “fans”. roswell, i guess wehave covered that already in this blog. MERLIN!!! ANGEL COULBY WAS WHITEWASHED IN EVERY SINGLE EDIT, WAS CALLED UGLY AND DISGUSTING BY FANS, her character was ripped apart at every turn, erased from her own story!!

riverdale (same). caos (same). suits!!!!!!!!!! meghan markle got a lot of hate!! star trek’s black lead was bullied, don’t you all remember??? THE WALKING DEAD!! MICHONE WAS FOLLOWED BY HATE, WHEN MICHONE AND RICK KISSED FAN BOYS WERE PISSED, LOADS OF HATE WAS SENT TO THE ACTRESS!!!

idk what you were trying to prove here except remind us of all of the times that black actresses and black fans had to deal with horrible amounts of hate.

iris west is still, to this day, erased from the narrative of the show she is the lead of!

we aren’t pitting black women againt gay men, we are defending the right of maria deluca to exist within the roswell universe as someone who is happy, in love and protected!!

THIS IS REALLY SENDING ME!!! HERE IS A LINK OF A POST LITERALLY ADDRESSING THAT THAT I READ TODAY, FILLED WITH RECEIPTS OF RACISM WITHIN THE FANDOMS YOU MENTIONED.

mod capitu