#I've grown my hair out because I didn't want to stuck in gender roles
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[vent warning in the tags. I'll be okay. I'm just feeling bad and need to scream into the void. Do not be worried about my physical well-being, that's not in danger.]
#My dysphoria gets worse and worse.#The longer i exist like this. The harder it will be to change#My body is settling. It feels like I'm hardened clay and I've lost my chance#The older i get the more I'll lose skin plasticity. I'm terrified to bind because what if I damage the tissue over time#(which makes the dysphoria even worse)#I've grown my hair out because I didn't want to stuck in gender roles#And I thought (in all my naivity)#“oh I'll be off the waiting list soon! I'll be able to be handsome!”#But the list keeps growing and growing and growing and GROWING#2 years. 2.5. 3.#I have another year to go they say. But I trust it for shit.#It'll be 4 if I'm lucky I just feel it in my bones#I'll be 26 when I have my intake. Whenever i realize I'll be 30 before I will see any true results it makes me want to scream#I want to scream so often!!#With terror and anger!!#I don't like existing in this way!!!!! I'm not me!!!!#Ive managed to bottle it up out of fear. And then I managed by keeping my eyes on the horizon#“soon I'll be where I'm supposed to be. Soon I'll finally feel like things are right.”#But the horizon keeps moving as I go forward#And I'm so lonely#And I'm so tired#And fuck i just want to feel like I AM a man. Not that I would like to be.#I know people are just fucking indulding me. I'm not delusional I know what I look like#If I cut my hair again these feelings will win#But what other avenues are left to me?#I'm 1.52. 4'11 in American#What the FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK am I meant to do???!!!!?!#I live literally next to the hospital. Why can't they HELP ME.#I have existed like this for so long and I can't fucking do this for two more years!!!!!!! Fuck!!!#I will wait until summer. 8 more months and it will be 3 years on that cursed fucking waiting list
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