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cherryxmouse · 3 months ago

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I know we have been over this a lot in the past few months, but I also wanted to rant about why I dislike Natlan and what Hoyoverse is doing with Genshin Impact right now. And to keep it a little more comprehensible, I'll sort my complaints into three categories:

The character designs

The characters by themselves

The quest

The way Natlan doesn't even fit into the games lore

So, first of all, I wanted to talk about the character designs, something a lot of people have talked about already. Although I do like some of the designs, they just don't look good for what they are supposed to represent. For example Kinich. If you asked me what country or culture he was inspired by, I could never tell you, because it's not obvious. If you told me Citlali was supposed to be a Shaman I wouldn't have believed you, because there is nothing about her design indicating that she is. A character's design is very important to show what the character does, what their role is and sometimes (like in Genshin Impact) which culture they are supposed to be from. I've seen people on TikTok do better redesigns of the Natlan cast, ones which actually look like they are inspired by the different cultures the characters are supposed to be inspired from. And to think that people doing this in their free time, without getting any money or help for their designs, it's honestly embarrassing that Hoyoverse can't do better. If it hurts you that much to make characters based on a culture or country (in which a lot of dark-skinned people live) perhaps don't make a Nation based on those cultures/countries. And it isn't just the fact that the character designs have no real representation, some of them also don't look like they belong into the game of Genshin Impact. Like Mavuika, who looks very out of place with her motorcycle and biker suit, next to Kaeya or Yae Miko who look like they don't know what electricity is. It seems like Hoyoverse got tired of the high fantasy aesthetic they are using for Genshin Impact, and are now using the sudden modernisation of Natlan as an excuse to not do any research on the cultures and countries they are basing Natlan off. And regardless of the racism, it still feels weird to suddenly have motorcycles and dj's and roller skates in the game, when Mondstadt still uses horses to get around. And (and this isn't just Natlan) character designs have been becoming increasingly 'fan service', like that new character Varesa, Mavuika's body suit which has an entirely pointless zipper going all the way down and the weird angle of Mizuki's burst animation. Genshin Impact has always been fan service, but I feel like it mellowed down with Fontaine and is now coming back even stronger.

Now to the characters themselves. I feel like the characters from Natlan are all kind of... cluttered. They have too much going on for them, too many motives. For example, Xilonen is a blacksmith, a cat girl, a skater and a dj all at the same time. And while these things are cool, they have nothing to do with eachother and it's also hard to show off all of those attributes for a character without it being overwhelming to users. I feel like a character should always only have two (or in some cases, three) things going for them, so that you can properly show them in the character design, idle animations and game play. Other than that, I also find it sad that there are this little playable male characters in Natlan. The rate of playable male characters has been steadily declining ever since Sumeru, but it feels weird that we've only gotten one male character from Natlan up until now. It kind of feels like Hoyoverse is catering more to their perverse male audience instead of anyone else. Another big thing that bugs me is Mavuika's character as a whole. I know that she, since she is a Himeko variant, has kind of a predestined role as a character, but then I feel like they shouldn't have made her an Archon. That way, they could've done more things with the Pyro Archon. Ignoring how out of place she looks like with her design and play style and how she doesn't represent Māori (which she's supposed to be) I also find it weird, how Mavuika, who should be a flawed person, considering she's a human Archon, has no flaws or anything that pulls her down whatsoever. She is loved by everyone, her sacrifice was taken over by Capitano, has no flaws like being rash or brutal or something you'd expect of a war deity (although I understand that it would probably be stereotypical to make a would-be dark-skinned women dumb or aggressive) and also has no other conflict to her character whatsoever. Her character just feel so bland and boring because there is nothing about her making her interesting or even flawed like she should be for being a human tasked with an Archons job.

Now we come to the story quest. Personally, I do like the fact that the NPC's actually die and dissappear fully after the war, because it adds something new and dark to Genshin Impact. But the quest is a little too obvious with the message (I think) it's trying to convey. Like, we get it, you are stronger if you work together. The way they handled it made the quest feel like some kind of disney movie. Especially because the tribes were already working together and living peacefully alongside eachother, so there wasn't even a conflict to overcome.

Now we come to the last point in my rant, and the one that bugs me the most. Natlan as a Nation makes no sense if you put it into the lore that existed about it beforehand. First of all, where does the Nightsoul's Blessing and 'red-lava-that's-keeping-it-alive' come from? Why is it never explained in the game? I know it's just there to make the characters meta so that anyone would pull for them, but then at least pull some kind of explanation out of your ass. Another thing, and I spoke about this before, why are there motorcycles and dj equipment and roller skates in Natlan? I know you could argue that Sumeru has the Aksha System which is practically wifi and Fontaine has a lot of animatronics, but at least those were explained and had relevance to the story. Mavuika's motorcycle is never explained or used at any point in the story. Also, wasn't it said at one point in the game, that Khaenri'ah was the most developed Nation? And if Khaenri'ah, as the most developed country, only had like ruin gards, why does Natlan, which isn't known for it's technological advances suddenly have all of this modern stuff? Especially because it doesn't even fit into the aesthetic of Natlan whatsoever, I mean Fontaine was at least fully steampunk, but Natlan is just 'technologically NOT advanced tribes' AND 'motorcycles'. Another thing, wasn't there this whole story line about this Vanessa and her family fleeing from Natlan to Mondstadt? So first of all, if everything is all fine and dandy (except that later the abyss attacked), why did she have to flee? Nothing was wrong in Natlan during that time. And another thing, why are Vanessa and her family called 'children of Murata'? It makes no sense, because according to the game no Murata ever existed. Mavuika has been Archon twice now, so there isn't even any sense in the time line anymore. Also, why do the (Archons of the) other nations warn us so much about Natlan and tell us it's a place full of war and dragons, when, other than the abyss attacking, there is literally no conflict. It just feels like they did all of this foreshadowing just to then change the whole story line.

Anyways, that's it (for now) if I remember anything else I wanted to say I'll add it, thank you for reading to this point (if you did) and what are your thoughts about Natlan?

I actually have a rewrite of Natlan I did during New Years Eve (so before the whole story finished), maybe I'll dig it back up, redo it a bit and then post it if anyone is interested...

#i could do better #i know it #genshin impact #genshin #genshin natlan #natlan #rant #rant post #hoyoverse #hoyo games

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thehiddenbaroness · 17 days ago

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Get to Know Me!

@page-murdock kindly tagged me in this recently -- it's been a while since I've done one so thank you, and here we go!

1 ) are you named after someone? I am! My first name is my maternal grandfather's middle name; my middle name is my mother's middle name, which she adopted as her first name when we moved.

2 ) when is the last time you cried? Last night, actually, for just a minute. Over nothing, just a rush of recovery hormones! But out of sadness? Maybe a month or so ago now.

3 ) do you like your handwriting? I do! In some respects. I like that it's unique, and an evolved evidence of my 'interrupted' penmanship training when I moved from US to UK; I like that it's...maybe unexpected? It feels 'me'. It can be a hassle when I have to put down ideas quickly and remain legible, but otherwise I love it.

4 ) what is your favorite lunch meat? I don't really do deli meat but if pressed, I'd prefer it from an actual deli -- a good black forest ham, or honey-roasted chicken.

5 ) do you have kids? None, and no intention to. The furbabies and nieces and my friends' kids are enough.

6 ) if you were another person, would you be friends with you? I guess that really depends on what sort of other person I am. I think I'm palatable enough for a casual friendship to most, but any deeper and I'm probably not for everyone -- as it should be!

7 ) do you use sarcasm? Not as often as I once did in everyday conversation; it's translated more into quick wit as I've gotten older.

8 ) do you still have your tonsils? I do, and hopefully they'll not give me any trouble and stay where they are.

9 ) would you bungee jump? No, thank you.

10 ) what is your favorite kind of cereal? I'm quite partial to the apple cinnamon Cheerios -- nostalgia, I think -- if it's for eating it with milk. But sometimes I have frosted Wheatabix for a snacking / dessert cereal. I don't have either much anymore, in favor of oatmeal like the old lady I've always been inside.

11 ) do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I don't wear shoes with laces often, but when I do, yes.

12 ) do you think you're a strong person? In some respects; I think I have some strong tendons of mental fortitude, though not in some tricky areas. I can also lift a goodly amount. ;)

13 ) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? I prefer sorbet, but if I hanker for icecream it's invariably Ben&Jerry's Phish Food

14 ) what is the first thing you notice about people? Their face, because we're only human, but after that, how they carry themselves and interact with me and others and their environment.

15 ) red or pink? Red.

16 ) what do you least like about yourself physically? I don't support this question, haha.

17 ) what color pants and shoes are you wearing now? No shoes, hardly ever shoes. Black pajama pants for my recovery.

18 ) what was the last thing you ate? Some kind of southwest chicken wrap thing from CC's Coffeehouse.

19 ) what are you listening to right now? Nothing right this moment, while I answer these, but I'm going through my YouTube 'watch later' playlist and I just finished the Angelou and Baldwin interview "Conversation with a Native Son" and up next...I think it'll be the horrible history of nutmeg.

20 ) if you were a crayon, what color would you be? Maroon, maybe, though as a kid I was always drawn to Purple Mountains' Majesty.

21 ) favorite smell? Oh this is tough! It changes. Gardenia, maybe, though it's much better smelled on humid warm night air rather than the flower itself.

22 ) who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? I think...probably the nurse who called me Monday to confirm my surgery logistics (bumped up the time).

23 ) favorite sport to watch? I'm not much of a sports-watcher. Maybe figure skating if pressed? Not precisely a sport per se but we occasionally like watching physical competition shows (mostly non-US) like Physical 100.

24 ) hair color? Dark brown; I have a streak of grays building at the front.

25 ) eye color? Dark brown.

26 ) do you wear contacts? Theoretically.

27 ) favorite food to eat? Also a toughie! Lately I'm fond of a chicken kolhapuri curry, BBQ eel hand-roll sushi, yaki udon, or nachos (with chili, jalapenos, salsa, no guacamole, and a smidge of sour cream).

28 ) scary movies or comedy? Eh, not crazy about either but I'd probably be more in the mood for a comedy on a given day.

29 ) last movie you watched? Gosh. Our projector has been out for a while. Um...I honestly do not recall. We've mostly been watching series lately. Maybe when I re-watched Dune Part II so Darling Viking would have seen it?

30 ) what color shirt are you wearing? A black loose tank.

31 ) summer or winter? Winter.

32 ) hugs or kisses? Hugs.

33 ) what book are you currently reading? Err, haha. I actually for some reason have several on the go at the moment: I'm reading WoT: The Crossroads of Twilight aloud to Darling Viking, because I like reading aloud and for practice and because our projector has been out; then I also have Erikson's Forge of Darkness and Sanderson's The Way of Kings out from the library; then I'm still dipping in here and there to Les Fleurs du Mal; and I've paused briefly on a space opera my father wrote and that I've had for over a decade (I think he's forgotten I commandeered it). I don't normally have this many going at once, least of all in the same genre, but it just fell that way.

34 ) who do you miss right now? No one in particular.

35 ) what is on your mouse pad? It's just a pale sandy and brown marble effect! For my laptop, anyway; I have a leather desk mat under my keyboard at my desktop.

36 ) what is the last tv program you watched? We finished up S3 of Wheel of Time.

37 ) what is the best sound? Not to be mushy, but: the sound of your loved ones' laughter.

38 ) rolling stones or the beatles? Neither, but if pressed, the Rolling Stones.

39 ) what is the farthest you have ever traveled? Physically? Probably Chicago to Amsterdam and from Amsterdam to Bristol (I think it was Bristol, anyway). Also coincidentally the farthest I feel I've traveled psychologically, that six-hour layover.

40 ) do you have a special talent? Nothing particularly special that's a talent more than just hours put in.

41 ) where were you born? Louisiana, the tenth circle of hell.

42 ) people you expect to participate in this? 'Expect' being a strong word, I'll tag: @ohtobealady, @dahliasgloom, @sheernerdpower, @plumcoloredblazer, @karrova, @aryasnow, @modernamericangirl, @lastoftheptolemies, @ofallingstar, @oftwodarkmoons, @malglories, @webedragons, @orphic-mysteries, @somekindafairy, @dernisseznirp, @whydidnttheyaskcora, @abumperprize, @juniperajar Feel free to ignore the prod, though!

#scrapsofbiography

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cat-esper · 2 years ago

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15 Questions Tag Game

I was tagged by @maskedemerald and finally got around to filling it out. The rules are to answer these 15 questions as either your OC or yourself and tag up to 15 people.

Gently tagging @awleeofficial, @ahordeofwasps, @void-botanist, @chauceryfairytales, @fire-but-ashes-too, and open tag.

Since I'm planning to write book 3 for NaNoWriMo, I'll be answering these for Chelsea and Shay from Project Paladin.

Are you named after anyone? Chelsea: Sort of? My mom knew someone named Chelsea and just really liked the name. Shay: Nope.

When was the last time you cried? Chelsea: Uh...probably a few nights ago. I just had a bad day trying to practice magic with this stupid cast on and then Ferric texted me to say the lead he was following regarding my parents was a dead end. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing all of this for nothing and I'll never find them and I just...I really miss them. I'm gonna stop talking so I don't cry again. Shay: I don't...I don't know. I don't remember. Maybe a month ago? It's personal.

Do you have kids? Chelsea: No! I'm only sixteen! Shay: Nah. Never really had the opportunity. Being a Paladin keeps me busy so it just never really crossed my mind. Do you use sarcasm? Chelsea: Sometimes with friends. We goof around a lot and tease each other and that's when the sarcasm comes out. Shay: I'm never sarcastic. Chelsea: He actually is but his sarcastic voice is the same as his non-sarcastic voice so it's hard to tell if you don't know him. What's the first thing you notice about others? Chelsea: Ummm, probably what they're wearing. If they have a cool outfit or a backpack or, oh, if they have really cool hair. Shay: I focus on faces. I talk to a lot of people in this line of work. I help them out and they give me information in return. I study their expressions, try to tell if they're lying to me. I see a lot of grief too and it's better to look them in the eye so they know you care. I see a lot of gratitude too and it's...nice. Seeing that I made a difference. What's your eye color? Chelsea: Blue Shay: Brown Scary stories or happy endings? Chelsea: I'm a sap for happy endings. Like, give me all the drama and angst for sure, but in the end, I just want my faves to be happy. Shay: I used to think scary stories for sure. Anything that could actually creep me out, that was good stuff. But now...now I wouldn't mind a happy ending. Any special talents? Chelsea: I can play the trumpet but not, like, super good or anything. Um, I learned magic recently if that counts? Shay: Why the hell would that not count? Chelsea: I don't know! I'm not very good at that either! Shay: It counts. I also know magic and can play the guitar. Where were you born? Chelsea: Sable, Utah. I've lived there my whole life and hopefully I'll get to go back when all this Paladin stuff is over. Shay: Bray, Ireland. Haven't been back in a long time and I don't know if that's going to change. What are your hobbies? Chelsea: I love camping and hiking. Riding my bike. Roller skating. Hanging out with friends. Spending too much time on the internet. Shay: Being a Paladin doesn't give me much free time, but like I said earlier, I play the guitar. That's how I unwind whenever I can find the time. Do you have any pets? Chelsea: No, which is tragic. I got to babysit some baby dragons recently but sadly, we had to give them back :( Shay: No. I wouldn't have the time or energy to take care of one if I did. What sports do you play/have played? Chelsea: I play softball sometimes. We don't have an official team or anything, but a bunch of kids from my school like to play against kids from Kane Heritage. It's fun and we don't take it too seriously. Shay: I was more into video games than sports before I became a Paladin, so I haven't really gotten into any. Although my sister kept suggesting I join a track team since I'm a fast runner. Didn't help to tell her I was mostly running away from things. How tall are you? Chelsea: 5'3" Shay: 180 cm Chelsea: ...I don't know what that means Shay: *does not translate*

Favorite subject in school? Chelsea: Band class. Our teacher's pretty chill and we get to play fun music. Need I say more? Shay: History. Dream job? Chelsea: Oooooh, I don't know! Being a park ranger could be cool. Or maybe I could be a Foley artist; that's what my Aunt Linda does. Or I could set up a really niche little hobby shop and sell weird knickknacks to tourists. Or since I have magic now, I can be a magician! Or... Shay: The only thing I ever wanted to be growing up was a rockstar. Corny, I know, but I loved the idea of that life. Getting to go on tour and do concerts. I do a lot of traveling now, but it'd be nice if it was for something simple like concerts and not to solve some horribly convoluted mystery that would most likely end in disaster.

#15 questions tag game #the last paladin

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annieintheaair · 7 months ago

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Nothing makes sense the more you think about it, and I know I wanna do something with my time, even if it's all for nothing.

I've been meaning to write for days and just haven't gotten around to it but sometimes, when I'm feeling all of the feelings, there's nothing else I can do but write.

I should be in bed but instead, I'm awake, it's 11pm, and I'm drinking wine on my couch. During a quick Facebook scroll, I saw on the JWU Alumni page that one of my favorite professors passed away on Friday. I froze when I saw it. It felt like the world stopped for a minute. Just recently, we had been messaging on LinkedIn. He has cheered me on since I graduated and always said he hoped that someday he'd be on one of my flights. I'm sad that it never happened and absolutely devastated that he died. I guess one of the hardest things about getting older is that more people you know die.

On the same day that my professor died, I paid off my student loans. I was already on track to have them paid off by June but we finally got our profit sharing and while I'm putting aside most of that right now, I decided to close out my college chapter officially and pay the last $1200 that was owed. It feels so good to be done with that huge burden but it's also ironic that it happened on the same day that my professor died.

The last two weeks since I wrote have felt like such a blur. I worked some, and last weekend spent Saturday at a brewery with Matt where they had a margarita festival. Sunday, I finally got around to putting together some shelves in my garage to get organized, and then, since Todd's birthday was on Saturday, I surprised him by taking him to a roller skating rink. He told me so many times how much he loved roller skating and we never went the whole time we dated. After roller skating, we checked out a distillery and then saw the movie Here with Tom Hanks. The movie was kind of disappointing. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie, and tried some of the new beers I found at Trader Joe's.

My flights on Monday night into Tuesday morning canceled so I spent the night at home and ended up taking a trip to Maryland to visit my younger sister early Tuesday morning. Non-revving is such a pain and 9 times out of 10 I end up on the jumpseat, but it was worth it to spend a few days with my sister and her family.

I got home on Thursday night and stayed in, being lazy with my dogs. Friday I went to yoga and by the time the class was over, I already had an alert that my flight that night had been canceled. In a way, I didn't really mind.

I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights and initially wanted to pickup a trip on Tuesday or Wednesday but nothing came up on Tuesday so I decided to enjoy the day off. I went to yoga in the morning and then celebrated Taco Tuesday at MiCocina with my favorite brisket tacos and a skinny smash margarita. I stopped for a coffee on my way home and then had to buckle down for the afternoon with work and a meeting.

Last night, Matt and I went to our favorite bar for music bingo. It ended up being a lot of fun but I was so tired and ready to crash by the time I got home.

Today, I was up early to go to the doctor. I was sick last month, went to the doctor, and got meds, which helped for the most part, but I've had a lingering cough. The cough has since turned into a sore throat and ear pain. My doctor did a strep test and it's not strep but ran some other tests that I'm waiting to hear back on. She started me on more meds and if I don't get better, she said I'll have to come back for blood work because I might have mono. I honestly don't think I've even been tested for mono since college when that was standard practice every time you go to the doctor.

I ran some errands today to get craft supplies, my prescriptions, and $5 sushi at Sprouts. At checkout, they asked if I wanted to pay $10 to donate a bag of food and I say no literally all of the time for these things but something in me today said to say yes. I don't know why but I felt like being extra nice. They were so excited and rang the bell and it was like paying it forward.

I worked on sweatshirts all day for my church group and finished most of them except for the embroidery on some since I decided I wanted to personalize them with everyone's names. They were all so excited when I brought the finished ones to church tonight.

Anyway, I have a glass of wine to finish, I'm tired, and I feel like it's time to relax.

xoxo

Annie

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onlyforalwayswith · 1 year ago

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15 people 15 questions

thank you @crosbyism for the tag <3 <3 <3

1. are you named after anyone?

A local meteorologist... my parents liked her name :D And my great grandmother for my middle name

2. when was the last time you cried?

I'm not gonna lie I am weak for sports videos and web weaves etc so hockey-related crying probably like two days ago having something to do with Sid; real life crying... Christmas! My sister got me a sentimental poster/map thing for my new house, it was very sweet

3. do you have kids?

No! I have two fantastic nieces and I'm about to move about six blocks away from them. I ADORE them and my relationship with them but being an auntie is the perfect amount of motherhood for me. I used to think... maybe... and then I got a puppy and that answered that!

4. what sports do you play/ have you played?

Field hockey was my jam (though I was NOT good at it), and I was on the swim team forever. I've skied since I was about five, but tore my ACL in college and now I only really do it because my family is OBSESSED. But I was also one of those kids who tried everything for like... three weeks. So tennis, ice skating, soccer, basketball, softball, etc, nothing really stuck. I am... NOT athletic

5. do you use sarcasm?

never

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

This is a little weird, but... how good people are at conversation. I tend to feel pressure to carry conversations so I kind of instinctively assess right away what a person's conversational style is.

7. what’s your eye colour?

Blue-green

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings <3 I can't watch horror movies, I literally hide my head under blankets. At my first sleep over I had to call my mom to come pick me up because they were watching Children of the Corn and my little self couldn't handle it. I haven't gotten much better since

9. any talents?

kind of a silly answer, but reading? I think I'm pretty good at it.

10. where were you born?

The keystone state :D

11. what are your hobbies?

I love hiking--I actually did a walk-about for about two years where I visited a lot of the national parks for a month or so each, and it was just the most magical experience of my life. Hiking pretty much became my part-time job and it was fantastic

12. do you have any pets?

I do! I have a dog who is a couple months shy of his second birthday, he's a (high energy, playful, adorable) wirehaired pointing griffon which is a very pretentious name for essentially a very cute trash muppet. His name is Jinx and he drives me crazy and is also my bestie and I am very much that 'i would kill everyone in this room' brooklyn 99 meme about him

13. how tall are you?

a very average 5'5

14. favourite subject in school?

Religion! I hate everything it's done to the world but I loveee studying organized religion, I almost minored in it, actually, but went with English instead. I kind of realize now that it's because I like socio-psychology so much... why people do the things they do is pretty much the thing I'm fascinated with the most. And the answer to that for a lot of history was religion.

15. dream job?

I actually have my dream job! I'm a writer (novels) and I feel very privileged and lucky to have been able to make it work. There are times it very much feels like a job of course, but mostly I get to do what I love every day (very Sid coded) and I don't take that for granted.

I'm late to this, so I feel like everyone I know has been tagged lol! But if you see this and you haven't, consider yourself tagged! I love reading all the answers!!!

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dzpenumbra · 2 years ago

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6/30/23

Today was an odd day. Not bad at all, just quite skewed from the norm. And I think I really needed that.

I started with a new yoga video that was focused on the hips and heart. I really want to work on hip mobility and posture. I think they will both help me massively with skating. (Also, skating will probably help me with skating... XD) The routine was nice, though a bit foreign. I feel like I struggle a lot with just keeping a straight line between my hips, heart and head, and it frustrates me a bit. But I can tell I've gotten much better in the... almost 7 months since I started doing yoga every day.

Yep, I started doing yoga every day as a new years resolution, and I'm still going strong. I'm very proud of myself for that.

That's sorta... the theme of the day. Might as well skip to that since it came up naturally. The thing from tarot last night? And the night before too, I think... The thing about not celebrating my accomplishments? The... I think it was inverted Nine of Pentacles and it cape up before as Four of Wands, I think? Damn, I'm getting good at this. Yeah, Nine of Pentacles is like... a sense of satisfaction from your accomplishments. And the Four of Wands is like... celebrating a milestone. Either way. Same core concept manifesting in different ways. That came up naturally in therapy today. I shit you not, I did not lead the conversation there, in fact... I was a little blindsided by it.

It was an intense session, but it dove deep into... why I'm afraid of social interactions. And its this thing where I compulsively fawn. I give people infinite "second" chances. I sit there and let people do horrible things, thinking "I'm strong enough to endure this", in hopes they will see the error in their ways and course correct. I don't say "no" to people. I don't walk away. That kinda shit. And the weird way this manifests? I fear what others will do. Because I can't control them, nor would I if I could. I avoid social stuff because I'm scared of how others are going to act, and then... I'll just be trapped in it. Because I don't have my magic get-out-of-social-situations-without-being-awkward sticks anymore. (Cigarettes). That's just part of it, but it's a crucial component, and quitting smoking was exactly when all this shit hit the fan.

I used to be able to just leave a situation if it's uncomfortable. "I'm gonna go smoke a butt, I'll be back in a bit." That's it, no other explanation needed. Now? Now I don't have an excuse. Not a socially acceptable one. It's funny, my therapist dug into me on that one, saying smoking isn't even really socially acceptable anymore. I said I felt it was more socially acceptable than saying "I'm going to walk over there and stare at a tree for 10 minutes, I'll be back."

So... not having a built-in out is rough. And this all comes down to this whole like... people-pleasing thing. It's super reflexive and something I have been really proud of in a lot of ways. Trying to be a really nice guy, and tolerate a lot of shit, because I'm very understanding. Not only has this made me a doormat, it's enabled avoidable abuse. I don't mean that in a self-blame way, it's not my fault... but the fact that I still haven't developed that skill... the awareness of that makes me feel very vulnerable and unsafe. And... considering how all-encompassing these extremely unhealthy relationships were? My survival instincts have no idea where the next punch is going to come from, so they try to just avoid all fists. So... I'm scared of social encounters in general... in a very vague brain-stem kinda way... because I'm scared I won't be brave enough to walk away. And this is polar thinking.

I said, "In my head, it feels like a lightswitch between nice-guy and asshole... when really there's a whole gradient there." And for some reason... me walking away or hanging up when people are being pricks to me? When people are hurting me and embarrassing themselves? I see it as being an asshole. Or selfish. And I can't say this confidently enough, my assessment and learning of that is incorrect. Maybe its the whole phrase "be the better man" thing... because I don't want to be superior or narcissistic... But it's not a competition, it's... be a "self-respecting man".

Okay, lets use an example that just popped into my head, because I have no idea how to navigate this. So... say you're waiting at a bus stop and some homeless person comes up and starts yelling at you. It's just you and them there. What the fuck do you do? Do you pretend to not hear them? Do you respond? Do you walk away and risk missing your bus? Do you put headphones in and risk pissing them off? I mean, I have half a mind in that situation to just have a few pocket phrases in French and just pretend I don't speak English. But that takes preparation, and doesn't really work with existing friends.

Maybe not the best example, but yeah. Basically... dealing with confrontation and conflict by standing up for myself and being able to just walk away. Those are really important. And they require a lot of self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth. And that's the connection to the tarot thing I was talking about like 4 paragraphs ago... celebrating accomplishments. My therapist made a really good point about this that resonated. Not celebrating my accomplishments isn't just... not getting a bonus or something, like depriving myself of dessert. It's fucking with the chemical reward system in my brain. I'm training myself to not feel anything when I accomplish shit. And as someone who struggles with depression, that's bad news.

So, it was advised that I spend some time really patting myself on the back for my accomplishments and treating myself. Not just because I deserve it - because I do - but because it's causing a lot of ripple effects. It damages my sense of forward momentum with my life, and it damages my self-worth. It makes me feel like a loser who sits around all day and does nothing, when really... I'm very creative, very driven and have accomplished a ton. That damage to my self-worth... then makes it incredibly hard to socialize. Not just because of insecurity and shame, but because rock-bottom self-worth means I will fawn and shit when people treat me like garbage. Because a big part of the whole sitting there and not leaving when someone is treating you like shit... is because at some level... you believe that you can't set a boundary there or something bad will happen. (I'm saying "you", I mean "me") I struggled to get that sentence out. The word "deserve" keeps floating around in my head and I keep playing ping-pong with it. "Don't deserve" to have boundaries. Or "haven't earned" setting boundaries. I don't know. Sometimes when I get this deep into shit like this, I can't tell if I'm discovering new thoughts or just reciting platitudes I've heard in passing. I guess maybe the lateness of the hour is catching up with me.

So... anyway... In an effort to celebrate my big accomplishment --- oh yeah, good lord, I went on that whole rant and didn't even say what my big accomplishment was! My big accomplishment was not getting a commission the other day. That was big, but this was bigger for me. When the dude came back to me presenting the tattooist's counteroffer? I would've had to drop my price from $300 to $100 in order to compete. I would've had to cut my price in 1/3. And every fucking cell in my body was saying... "fuck it, do it." Bro, I can't even get a week worth of groceries with that shit. And I'm well aware of that, but in the moment... in the moment I'm just like... "fuck it, do what you gotta do". But I didn't. I didn't bend. I didn't change the price. Even though I felt I might've overcharged? I still don't even know honestly, my therapist was saying the rate really didn't sound that bad. Even though I felt bad, and saw the commission vaporizing in front of my eyes... I did not waver. I wished the dude well and told him I'd be here if he wanted to find a way to make it work, and yeah, lots of good vibes and good wishes and shit. It was fine. So, my accomplishment there was not bending and caving and fawning. And still being chill about it. And zero conflict arising from it. That was a huge step forward for me.

So yeah, feeling a lot more comfortable in my skin after having that out in the open and discussing it. It was very validating. And the more I take care of myself, the more comfortable I'll be in my own skin no matter where I go. Whether it's a walk along the river, or getting takeout at a local restaurant, or going to the farmers' market, or meeting my brother and his family, or finally going to one of those mixers at the board game place up the road, or meeting new friends on Roll20 or a Space Engineers server. The more I see myself as capable of handling those things, the more I am capable of handling them. And then I get practice, and prove it. And a positive snowball starts.

My way of rewarding myself today was to get some games. Steam Summer Sale, you know how it is. I got FTL, Hades and some DLC for Space Engineers. I tried out FTL tonight, it's pretty fun. And Space Engineers is on my list as my multiplayer option.

On top of all of this, I streamed tonight. I decided to stream the process of making a music visualizer from scratch. It actually went really well and I ended up doing a 4+ hour stream. No one dropped by... but I enjoyed the process, and that's what matters to me. Getting the audio routing set up paid off... and now that it's set up... I might be able to make music streams work... I'm just imagining doing guitar practice streams, that could be really cool. I've always wanted to do that, that's actually where I started with streaming back in the early 2010's on justin.tv

Alright, tarot time real quick, it's obscenely late.

Past - Page of Cups, inverted (Pure emotion. Innocence, wearing one’s heart on their sleeve. Channeling one’s inner child.) Present - Five of Wands, inverted (Competition, disagreement, strife, and the accompanying need to step up to the challenge, prove yourself and see it through.) Future - King of Wands (Uses experience and reflection to master creativity, passion, inspiration and aspiration. Raises the creative fire to its full potential with control, without letting it become destructive. Charismatic, natural leader, funny, charming and radiating confidence.)

This starts with inverted Page of Cups. Page of Cups is kinda the embodiment of a childlike spirit. Confident, following one's heart.

This is connected to inverted Five of Wands. Five of Wands is the bravery to meet a challenge and face competition.

And this concludes with King of Wands, who I am unfamiliar with. I guess he's kinda the epitome of tamed creative fire. Blazing powerfully bright while still contained and within experienced control.

Alright, so... the beginning here is... the dark side of Page of Cups. Which I would see as kinda... childlike naiveté. Running headlong into dangerous situations with the best intentions. Maybe with the heart-on-the-sleeve emotional Cups connection... innocently trusting the wrong people... This led to conflict. But my reconnection with my inner child involved shedding the callous insensitivity I used to have, like a snake molting. Where I used to welcome the challenge of a conflict to test my wit, their perspective and feelings were not a priority as much as trying to "win" or "beat them"... I instead became like a child who had their milk money stolen by their best friend. And instead of rising to meet the conflict, I took a knee or walked. And oddly... these two are leading to... the embodiment of creative mastery. The... implication... I kinda get from this... My intuition is kinda leading me to think... if I learn these two lessons, I can accomplish great things... and be the creative being I'd love to be. I don't know, it's a hunch. It's an interesting thought.

The placeholder card was... Queen of Pentacles - the keeper of the symbol of a life well lived. The Spirit taming, guiding and coexisting with the elemental impulses, all working together harmoniously.

Maybe the lesson is how to weather when things go wrong with the Page of Cups and the Five of Wands. When people take advantage of my childlike wonder and trust, and still continue onward in life. When people compete and incite conflict and I don't rise up to the challenge... but I also don't give up. Maybe I can still make a good life without having to "fix" these, rather just... learning to live with them.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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diedraechin · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 34 Preview

I've been holding back on posting this until I got through the handful of scenes I was struggling with in Chapter 35. I wanted to make sure that chapter was sound before moving forward... for reasons.

I'm so glad that everyone enjoyed the last couple of chapters. :D

This off-season is going to be a long one, I hope you're all ready for it!

Yuuri skated around the edge of the rink. It was strange having this much ice to himself again, but he loved not having to constrain his work to a smaller patch or, if he was lucky, half a rink. Of course it cost more, but it was only for a month off and on while he was in Tokyo; not even really a month, since most of his ice time would be at practice rinks near the various ice shows. He wasn’t working on choreography for his season yet, so he just needed this ice time to maintain his conditioning.

He left Michigan the day after his Biology final, which he probably could have gotten away with not taking at all and just dropping the grade for, but he preferred to be able to have some wiggle room. Phichit hadn’t been too happy with him, since that meant he had to go through the whole last month of school with Celestino checking up on him all the time.

Yuuri said he had it worse, knowing full well he didn’t, but it felt worse; he had to leave Vicchan for a whole month while he worked in Japan. And on top of that, he didn’t even really have time to go to Hatsetsu to get his well-deserved katsudon for winning All Japan nationals. Not that he was feeling very deserving of katsudon after the season he’d had.

He sighed, refocused on what he was doing, and went into a layback spin before bringing his leg up behind him into a Bielmann.

The sound of loud clapping brought him out of his skating, and he stopped and looked over to the edge. Even squinting, he still had no idea who was over there. This was supposed to be a closed session, but it didn’t mean that no one knew where he was. The JSF knew, Alexei knew because he was coming into Tokyo the next day to do some jumping work with him, Shuji knew since Yuuri was staying with him, and his manager, Hirano-san, knew as well.

Well, and Celestino and Kai and Phichit, but they were all in Detroit.

He finally gave up trying to make out the blurry figure and skated over to where he left his glasses.

“Your skating is looking a lot better than it was in December, Yuuri.”

Yuuri hadn’t even managed to get his glasses on, but he already knew who was standing there. “Shouta! Are you training in Tokyo now?” Yuuri smiled as Shouta came into focus.

#yuri on ice #yoi fanfic #katsuki yuuri #viktor nikiforov #bysotid #bear you soul on the ice #bysotid sneak peek #the return of shouri?#am I trolling?#why a makka gif?#it's a long summer #what is sassy up to?

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jiminrings · 5 years ago

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hi hannah! i may have a request 🥺 i've been watching too much tiktok and this two made me want some jungkook skater au 😳 like the reader saw him and went like love at first sight so she purposely buys a skate and goes everyday to the skatepark and start learning just to impress that hot tattooed skater that kinda looks like a bad boy but he's actually a softie. ♡

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSm5Huop/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSm55usm/

late skate

pairing: jungkook x y/n

wordcount: 7k

glimpse: jungkook would rather wash down his grip tape than spend another hour seeing you land on yOUR ass, a smitten y/n and love at first sight, and tae almost losing his bearings (in all aspects) <3 // gif is from pinterest :D

note: thank you so much for the request babie!!! also i’m sorry since i’ve done this a month late hee-hee bUT but it’s here now!!! fun fact: i used to skate but one time i fell on my ass so hard doing an ollie that i quit ( ˙-˙ )

there is nothing

there is absolutely nothing you hate more than walking home alone and at-

wait u need to shudder

night

times like these make you both angry and scared because fIRST of all

you’re angry because if oNLY (you’re still hoping that u win the lottery soon) you were born to wealth and ease (if you see park jimin one more time in a billboard you’re about to lose it), you wouldn’t have to worry!! or even work for that matter!!!!

you could have a car by now!!!

but you don’t have a car and you’re still saving up for that because you have to keep up with your bills and this nice and decent apartment that you’re living in right now

well if you’re being honest, you are splitting it with yoongi and that cuts back your expenses significantly but that’s besides the point

which is why you’re being extra thrifty!! save up all the money that you could so you could by yourself a car amongst other financial decisions and nOT be scared shitless when walking home

you’re working at the animal shelter most of the time and it’s very fulfilling because of cOURSE!! your job is to care for animals and give them a better chance at everything :D

the pay is more than decent but it’s not the highest sO what you do on your spare time is pick up any job you could!!

and the income that you need is more and more than decent because taking care of chimmy is not an easy feat

chimmy, your alaskan malamute!!! he’s the first puppy you’ve properly taken care of in the shelter and you’ve fallen head over heels for him

he kept bumping into the wall when he scrambles after you call for him but eH you love the clumsy giant still!!

so much so that you file your adoption form for him and run over to mr. kim’s office hurriedly :D

your boss seokjin’s pretty sweet after all but at the same time he’s intimidating!! too sweet and intimidating at the same time that when he approves your form without much question, you almost kiss his cheek

...

.... hehe

jin beat you to it and instead he gave you a side-hug with a very strict warning to take care of chimmy and provide everything that he needs

he eats 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓂𝒾𝓊𝓂 dog food and you could only assume the amount that he needs because of how he towers

the treats?? one time yoongi got overly-excited to take a picture of him and accidentally left the bag on the ground, and when he came back?? chimmy’s managed to inhale all of them

thankfully he’s only loyal to one (1) toy and it’s to this brown angry... entity..? with one tooth that yoongi’s made by himself

but he constantly has to replace the stuffing because chimmy nOTICES when it’s flat and unstuffed from his own doings

hehehe the grooming.....

you thank your lucky stars that jin gives you a discount to have chimmy groomed!!

one time you were about to have a breakdown because a $100 grooming session simply didn’t click well with your ongoing budget and you decided to do it yourself :D

spoiler alert: chimmy kept barking at you when you held up the mirror to his face because wOOF did you just... d-did you give him bangs.... how was that possible....

and then sECOND of all is that well.,.,.,

you’re scared and that’s it

there is every possible reason for you to be scared :D

you get off from work at 5!! but now it’s quarter to 8 and you totally should’ve booked an uber but it completely slipped your mind

normally, you wouldn’t walk home alone though because chimmy comes with you to the shelter, and then he serves as a therapy dog of sorts to help ease and calm down the new rescues!!

he even has his own little ID oh my god :’)

but he doesn’t come in everyday and well you remember,.,.

no actually, yoongi REMINDS you that today is his day-off at work and explictly implied that he’d very much love to cuddle with a giant alaskan malamute as he gets his well-deserved rest

and yoongs has been the reason to why you don’t unravel every single day and you owe him for your life so yea okay you can have chimmy whenever you need this giant pillow of support <3

but no

you don’t have chimmy with you and you don’t have anyone to bark and be willing to growl n intimidate any creepy dudes you could possibly encounter on this twenty-minute walk home

the extra coffee you’ve drank at 6 in lieu of dinner does not help at ALL

what if you just... run

that way you get home faster and you won’t have to be that antsy!!!

ok maybe just a light jog would do

you wanna go home so badly and take a shower and be sandwiched between your warm sheets and sleep all the way

you miss chimmy and yoongi and you just hOPE that he’d already cooked dinner and you won’t have processed food again for the third time in a week

and after dinner maybE you could treat yourself to online shopping because yoongs has also been pestering you to let yourself indulge once in a while

your thoughts are jumbled once panicked and it reminds you that yes you should definitely get a car and you know what??? you probably should-

wait fUCK

...

....

wait

hold on a second

did you just manage to narrowly dodge what seems to be a skateboard in mid-air??????

“taehyung, you dumbass!!”

said taehyung is jumping down and crouching to pick up the deck at your feet and squeaks an “oop sorry ‘bout that!!” before going back and

well...

mr. “taehyung, you dumbass!!” is who you presume to be the speaker,, because well no one eLSE is in this skatepark at 9 in the evening,,,, is standing RIGHT underneath the light and is right at your line of sight

it’s as if the clouds are opening up and chimmy’s barking could be heard and everything you deem perfect is ringing right in your ears because god.... holy shit.....

he looks and probably feels like a warm-sized bed that smells of baby powder and fresh linen

he has a hoodie on with the sleeves scrunched up and you tHANK yourself that you’ve saved up enough to get lasik eye surgery because those tattoos...,.,. you r positive that they would be your demise

mr. TYD has a loose bucket hat on yet you could still see his features clearly and you aren’t lying when you say he is perhaps the most breathtaking thing you’d ever seen

even more breathtaking than seeing chimmy in the laundry room and having fished for your one good perfect bra in his mouth

huh

you’re pretty sure this is what love at first sight must feel like

suddenly, you aren’t anxious at all and you’re instantly gravitating towards the ramp without much complaint

there’s a bench conveniently placed in which you could see him but he won’t see you

you find yourself sticking around and smiling when you see him goofing around in all good fun

hopefully you don’t look like a cREEP because you swear you aren’t!!!! and hopefully they don’t notice you either and find out then and there that you’re here in a skatepark withOut a skateboard,,, just sitting,,, to see him

this may not be your best idea yet lmao yes you’re gonna admit that

but it’s probably the first and last time that you’re ever gonna see him so might as well watch him for awhile!! that’s all!!!!

ok wait

this is definitely a bad idea because yoongi calls you and you forgOt to put it on silent and it’s his voice that greets you very rudely as soon as you pick up

“y/n where the FUCK are you???”

oh lmao it’s quarter to 10 already

“jeez, i’m coming home!! calm down!!”

“yeah tell that to chimmy who’s been worried sick with me and won’t stop hOWLING!!!”

you’re scrambling to gather your duffel and sneak oNE last look at him and ur practically pouting as you say goodbye to him under your breath

:((

“... aw, you worry about me?”

you resume back to jogging on your way home and this time for rEAL

you’re gonna miss him

he’s like one of the random dudes you see in the mall that are sO breathtaking and you know you’re never gonna see them again

you didn’t even manage to catch his name :((

but whoever he is, he feels a little more different than a dude in a mall because this time, you feel like you’re gonna cRY at the thought of it

little did you know that jungkook could see you all this time and he’s sad to see you go

chimmy is the first to leap at you as soon as you come through the door

and if you didn’t anticipate the giant, then you’d probably be toppled over by now

yoongi finds it weird that there’s this lingering gentle smile on your face

well he shouldn’t be so shOcked because he sees you talking to yourself when you’re watching documentaries and cooking

(( he always checks if there’s a camera hidden somewhere in the kitchen and you were vlogging or something but nO!!! ))

it’s like you’re a third-grader again that goes fERAL at just the thought of their crush

you hope mr. tyd has already eaten breakfast and hasn’t had any injuries with his skateboarding

you’re trying to rationalize with yourself that it’s just a stOOpid and pathetic crush to harbor in less than a day and stop thinking about him

the universe must seem to hate aND love you at the same time because well would you look at tHAT

it’s 5 in the afternoon and you have chimmy beside you and you’re walking home

and that’s practically your routine ever since you’ve gotten this job

it would only differ if a situation like last night happens or when you’re too tired to walk home oR when it’s raining

but right now it’s your normal workday, and you’re walking home, and it’s sunny, aND THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU’VE SEEN HIM

this is also the first time that you’ve seen him in such a situation that you didn’t expect :O

the fact that you’ve mayhaps watched kimi no nawa last night with yoongi and perhaps 98 times before that, does not help at all

“you uh, y-you wanna go for a run on the grass, chim??”

there’s this mini field besides the skatepark and chimmy happily jUMPS at the mention of grass :D

aha oh well :D would you look at that :D your dog wants to go run on the grass that’s a couple feet away from the skatepark :D who are you to stop him anyways?? :D

chimmy’s more than happy to comply with your wish and vice versa because he’s having the time of his life clearly

he’s your pawman and the perfect variable so you wouldn’t seem like a third-grader with a helpless crush on anOther third-grader

it seems that hE’S more excited than you though because chimmy runs to the ramp instead of the grass!!!

and in the process he goes UP to greet a guy like he does with you whenever you come home!!! it’s harmless pouncing per se

but it’s not entirely harmless because it feels like chimmy knows EXACTLY what’s in your mind and what he’s doing

“chimmy!!!”

.....

...... of course

chimmy has to of cOurse pounce on him

jungkook wasn’t surely expecting a giant and overly-friendly alaskan malamute to pounce on him right when he was about to drop-in

it’s a pleasant surprise either because it’s-

wait

oh my god

is this yOU?????

listen.,.

jungkook was in the skatepark last night with taehyung and they took advantage of it because they were the only ones there!!

tae surely wasn’t kidding when he said that he was a novice because holy sHIT how was it possible that he sent a skateboard flying mid-air after a failed trick??

kook flinches when he follows it in his line of sight and notices that there’s someone down there who might be literally dECKED out of tae’s stupidity

he’s about to yell for this passer-by to dodge and-

time seems to move quicker because you’re already stopping yourself and flinching in place and then looking up

you’re rIGHT underneath this street lamp and jungkook sighs a breath of relief when he realized that you weren’t hit

but at the same time he’s gasping again because wow

t-that’s uhm-

okay

wHEW he has never felt this pressure in his chest ever since he joined a quizbee in 8th grade

would it be-

ok nevermind

WOULD IT BE TOO FORWARD FOR HIM TO SAY THAT HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU ALREADY

you’re really beautiful??? and frankly he has to look away for a second because you’re tOO beautiful that he doesn’t know what to do with himself

that’s it u are under arrest for being too pretty >:(

jungkook’s flustered because there’s just these types of people that put a knot on his chest unknowingly and he doesn’t know how to act normally

you are the equivalent of him not being able to look at the screen because the kdrama was that good and he feels unworthy to even watch it

it’s goosebumps all over his skin and he’d be lying when he says his cheeks are not heating up at aLL

“taehyung, you dumbass!!”

his first instinct is to scold taehyung because what iF he ended up hurting you with his skateboard, hmm?? and tHEN what

he expected you to leave after that close-call and if everyone must know, jungkook has an incredible talent at being able to scope out things in his peripheral vision

he could look straight ahead and be able to see what you were also doing at the side

he doesn’t know if that’s a talent or uH everyone has it but whatever he can do that!!!

and you were clearly still there and in fact, even sIT down on the bench

he could see you smiling and giggling and a ginormous part of him assumes that it’s because of him

he prays to god that it’s NOT the guy who almost decked you with a skateboard ://

jungkook was acting weird and he kept smiling and laughing mORE than necessary and taehyung can see right through him

“bro all i did was walk towards you wtf are you laughing,,.,”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHHA tae you’re so silly XD”

alrighty then,, maybe jungkook just binge-ate his vitamin gummies which is why he keeps beaming for an unknown reason

koo was so grumpy literally just before he had his skateboard flying and now he’s ???? weird

jungkook was ultimately sad to see you get up and he knows he’s probably never gonna see you again ok alright time to mope

but this

this

he’s beyond surprised to see that said owner of giant dog happens to be yOU!! of all the people!!!!

it’s you!

“i’m so so sorry about him!! he’s just excited to make friends with everyone and i don’t have the sLIGHTEST clue why he came to you!!”

you pointedly look at chimmy and he has the audacity to howl before looking away

it hasn’t dawned on you that you’re talking and apologizing to him but it certainly did on jungkook which is why he’s charmingly laughing already

“no, no. it’s okay, i don’t mind!! his name’s chimmy, then?”

you’re blinking profusely because yes.. right.. HE is talking to you

“yeah, uh, correct!! his name’s chimmy :)”

“that’s cute. anyways, i’m jungkook :)”

aha :D

koo would like to think that he is smooth

and yes you agree

you immediately shake his hand tOO eagerly with a smile on your face as you’re trying to take this all in

“i’m y/n :)”

jungkook’s hand is bigger than yours and your hand fits sNUGLY right into his hold

he has some tattoos on his hands and there’s some peaking from underneath his hoodie

but even with ur lasik vision you cAN’T focus because omg are you seriously holding jungkook’s hand.,.,

jungkook as in THEE jungkook that you’ve immediately clocked and crushed on last night in an instant

your lil moment of just holding each other’s hands is interrupted when taehyung pops out of nOwhere

(( actually he’s been there for the past two minutes and he kept switching between cooing and laughing ))

“yO i’m taehyung!!! you must be y/n, i didn’t nick you last night, did i?”

he takes it upon himself to hug you right then and there

well he’s warm and he passes the internal vibe check yoongi’s hotwired into your brain so you reciprocate!! you like hugs anyway and taehyung’s just like chimmy but in human form

jungkook practically squawks and stammers in his place because w-why.. w-what...... no

chimmy bARKS at taehyung and koo is tempted to do the same too because no man you simply do nOt hug my crush that you know absolutely nothing about

“he’s asking for you.”

kook points to chimmy who’s obviously pouncing on you to come run with him

you excuse yourself so you could go satisfy the giant and jungkook felt like his heart was gonna fall out of his aSS

tae wiggles his eyebrows and has his lips pursed and it’s the shit-eating grin that he immediately flips off as soon as he sees it

“what was that all about?”

you are convinced

you are 100% convinced

your head is fully-set into the game and in no way are you gonna back out

“min yoongi!!”

ah there it is

yoongi’s having the time of his life playing fetch with chimmy! what could possibly be any more important in this world than that

“what did i do now?”

you only call out his full name when a) you’re agitated and when b) he’s ignoring you and you’ve had enough of it

he really doesn’t recall giving you the cold shoulder recently

and he certainly didn’t agitated you when all he’s done is play with chimmy and sleep!!!

“please click this for me pls. click. please. pls click.”

aH yoongi should’ve brought his glasses instead of leaving them on the couch

you’re holding out your laptop to him with your arms outstretched and he has to come really close to decipher and-

... huh

“a skateboard?”

pardon him but he’s really lost on this one ok

he is as lost as he was when walmart decided to completely rearrange the whole store

“... and what do you need a skateboard for? y/n when i said that you should get yourself a four-wheeler, i didn’t mean a skateboard-”

in what part does a skateboard look like an SUV

whY are you like this

“it’s for uh... it’s for fun purposes!!”

you’re trying not to raise any more questions in yoongi’s mind but his head is miles miles away now lol

???? you hate trying new things though ???

one time you traded in your beef ramen for pork ramen because the first one was out of stock and throughout the whole meal you kept thinking how much you regretted it

and besides, skateboarding would be the last thing you’d get into!!!

yoongi distinctly remembers that you’d rather choke on chewing gum rather than get your knees scraped

why was that?? because when your knees get scraped, walking and doing everything else?? impossible

nice try sherlock but the moment you do so much as to not stand up straight?? sIT down?? yeah your knees would give out

what has got to be something so special that you’d wanna get into skateboarding and risk yourself into getting your knees scraped??

....

omg is that what he thinks it is

“... it’s a crush, isn’t it?”

the way you instantly shut him down and practically have to beg him just to press the check out button.,..

aha

yeah yoongi’s gotten his answer alright :D

whatever this is

or whatever that’s going on

you’re sure that you’ve never felt this content for a long time

you now bring a change of clothes so you wouldn’t go skating in your uniform because that just honestly sucks

you may be too tired to walk to the skatepark which is why sometimes you’d book a ride, but no you’re never tOO tired to skate and see jungkook :D

it’s frustrating enough as it is

yoongi used to skate and that’s the reason why you’ve found this shortcut in the first place because this was where the park was!! you’d always think at the back of your head on wHY was yoongi struggling!!!

smh that’s so easy yoongs </3

joke’s on you now though because trying to balance on the board in the first place scared you shitless because hOW were you supposed to do this??

you can ride a bike and that has tWO wheels and this has fOUR bearings!!! how come you can’t balance yourself??

even managing to stand up on the board without panicking for more than ten seconds AND managing to shift from left to right even if it’s albeit shaky at first, took you a wHOLE evening

but you’re so proud of yourself and so is jungkook :D

jungkook finds it the highlight of his night when you’d hold onto him

yes he knOws you have it under control now and you barely hold onto him for support

“just so you won’t fall, that’s all.”

he always evades your eyes when you go look up at him dreamily like that because how could he not???

you’ve covered the basics of pushing yourself then simultaneously riding the skateboard!!

you do that for one WHOLE week and both jungkook and tae (and yoongi) think it’s time that you do something else besides skate in one straight line and occasionally to a left and a right

ok you’re kind of scared shitless because you already fell a couple of times but y’know what?? it’s time!!

society has progressed past the need of you skating in a straight path

the society NEEDS you to do tricks now

.....

........

confession time:

dear diary the kickflip is simply not kicking the board in an attempt to flip it by itself. it is not. it is not as easy as it sounds. it is the bane of my existence

it’s evident that you’re stalling out of your way with this one but you just need oNE success and that’s it!!! one win to woo jungkook from his feet and then you’d stop

tae has already shut you up too because you keep talking about how your day went when you already is set four times before that

and it must’ve been a lucky first time because you absolutely nAIL it on the first try!!!

you honestly thought you’d land square on your ass and see bruises on it later in the shower but N-O!! you’ve done it perfectly and-

jungkook’s not looking

he didn’t see your feat!!

or maybe he didn’t see it because he chosE not to!!!

maybe doing a kickflip is nothing impressive and it’s obvious that he’s a pro at this compared to you who’s even more of a novice that makes taehyung look like a god

you can’t have that :((

ok ok hOW can you impress jungkook

there must be something you could do to impress him!!

omg

that’s it

this is practically perfect!!

you’re gonna do your first drop-in at a pipe that is nowhere gOOD for a beginner like you :D

one, two, th-

“easy, doll.”

jungkook materializes out of nowhere and you expected him to be skating at the far end!! not mere inches away from your face holding your hANDS

this is the first time you’ve seen jungkook actually this close and you just have this urge to kiss his cheek

he has you whipped for him and he hasn’t even done anything to you!!!

“not the best idea to go down an eight-foot tall half-pipe for your first time, hm?”

he scrunches his nose at your absurd thoughts because absolutely wHY would you do that??

how could you fall in love with him even mORE

“do the two-feet tall one first. go have taehyung teach you.”

the grin in your face goes as fast as it came

no offense to taehyung but he’s not the one your head-over-heels for :((

practically everyone knows about your crush on jungkook BESIDES jungkook himself

you’re tapping tae on the shoulder to come and teach you while you just watch kook shred it at the other side of the park by himself

it’s okay!! progress is progress and you’re gonna get far with jungkook!!

going to the skatepark right after work is now your new routine

sometimes you even come with yoongi when he’s free and he takes all his time to gloat on how you used to make fun of him when he was skating avidly back then

that gives you a grand total of three (3) people teaching you how to skate and giving you pointers

jungkook also now holds conversation from time to time :D

he’d ask you how your day went and you’d have to pretend that you didn’t wait for him to ask so you’re not spilling detail after detail

he now does this thing of pinching your cHEEK when you get something right

your heart after doing an ollie goes bEEP when he pinches your cheek and tells you eagerly that you did such a good job

yoongi’s laid off his teasing for you and jungkook but god he can’t deny that he gets these weird vibes from him

eh it’s probably nothing

today you’re especially excited because it was an outfit that you just bought and you feel gREAT in it!!!

tbh your day was the absolute worst but jungkook is always a great pick-me-up to whatever day you could have :)

a tennis skirt with shorts already built underneath is the greatest save of ur life

it’s a little on the more expensive side because it IS a name-brand and those don’t come cheap but it’s ok :D it’s gonna be worth it :D it better be :D

oh uhm

jungkook seems different today.... ?

you were used to him looking intimidating and mad even if he wasn’t, but this time it just felt emphasized even more

taehyung’s here but he’s not the only one!!! there’s two guys with jungkook on the other side of the ramp

“those are his friends, i guess?? i don’t know, he hasn’t introduced them to me.”

so you’re nOT the only one who’s lost

jungkook will probably come around later and you could all hang out again :))

chimmy happily chuffs at your side and that just gives taehyung the most wonderful idea he’s ever had this day

“hEY which one of us do you think could out-skate chimmy???”

jungkook is utterly and without a doubt stressed

he knew that hoseok and namjoon would come over, but he didn’t expect that they’d visit him while he was in the park!!!!

and he already knows what they’re here for and that just makes him grimace :((

“why don’t you want to go pro?”

koo’s ears feel like bleeding when hobi asks him that for the nth time

god it’s always just the sAME question!! he could practically sniff the air on what they’re gonna say next

“jungkook, i think we all know that you’re more than qualified to be a pro!! look at you!!”

it’s the same conversation over and over again

the next things they’d say are that he’s a natural and he’s wasting all his talent doing this thing cASUALLY

he’s not the next tony hawk or anything like that!!! he’s not gonna book a sponsorship and a collaboration with vans!!! but hobi and joon kEEP insisting that he’s that good

“hyung, i think we’ve already talked about this-...”

“yes and you refusE to listen!! why can’t you just accept the fact that you have a much better future in this??”

jungkook’s currently a freelance graphic designer which means he works from home and he’s in charge of his oWN schedule

but it doesn’t necessarily mean that every single day he gets a new commission or anything grand like that

he’s gonna be honest and say that yES he has thought of being a pro skater!! but he’s trying to be as rational as possible about it

because not every competition would be a win and not competitions don’t happen as frequent as a typical job is!!

and what iF jungkook gets injured?? something of an injury that would lay him off from skating

and being unable to skate??? = he basically gets nOTHING

he feels pressures because hobi and joon are pro skaters already!! and that gives them all the more reason to make jungkook into one

not to flex but uh they’re both quite already kNOWN

and jungkook hasn’t even started his pro career but he’s already known!!! both by his skills and the fact that he’s friends with these two champions

“i literally do not care if you beat me!! just come take the leap and be a pRO already, jungkook!!! it’s a loss as it is that you still consider yourself an amateur.”

their words, not his

ok uhm what if

what if jungkook opens a skate clinic?? he can do what he loves and in the same time, earn money!!

... yeah

okay!

that could work!! and if he feels extra prepared, then yeah maybe he’d be a pro

or would a skate clinic be useless if he isn’t a pro by then???

oh my god

jungkook’s so frustrated with all this sudden bombarding and it makes him want to tug at his hair

as much as he loves his hyungs, sometimes they just can’t seem to know when to back oFF and realize that their nudging is more like shoving

“do something productive and worth your time, jungkook. stop babysitting.”

namjoon says with an edge and that tames jungkook

what makes it worse was what they were implying in the first place

hoseok doesn’t make it discreet to look at taehyung and you

“tae, tae, look!! i’m doing it, i’m doing it!!”

you’re saying over your shoulder because omg you’re getting the lead and chimmy’s slowed down for some reason

well actually taehyung’s took it upon himself to stop behind you

“guys?”

you get an immediate answer when you feel someone effectively hALT you still and you almost fall on your ass just by the sheer strength of someone holding you up

jungkook’s holding you down and his hands are quite heAVy on your arms

there’s this unexplainable look on his face but you’re positive that it’s not one of happiness

“you should probably stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”

to be honest you’re unsure of how to react

but the way that jungkook looks like he’s mad at you and retreats back to those two guys with a scoff in his step --

it’s enough

it’s truly enough for you to reevaluate every decision you’ve ever made

maybe it’s simply not just a bad day for you and a case of overthinking thigs,, and it’s perhaps the fact that he want you to stop

stop whatever that is happening

you probably must be frozen in place because chimmy bounds and pounces at you

you probably must’ve looked like an utter fool,, skating in a tennis skirt and trying to outrace a damn dog in a fucking skatepark,, right in front of jungkook and his friends

“y/n, you uh, y’okay?”

tae’s worried because there’s an instant shift to your mood and he could only assume what you were feeling

tears prick at the back of your eyes and that’s the signal for you to gather your things in a flash because the last thing you’d want is to cRY in front of him

“y-yeah! i’m gonna go home, tae. chimmy’s looking for yoongi.”

the dog in question tilts his head because w hat now,,,.,., wha t,.,. he is???

you learned that dogs could smell emotions and that makes you even sadder

chimmy was behaved the whole time; didn’t even try straying you around when he keeps seeing umbrellas on the street even if he loves them

you’re okay

you should be okay

....

there’s something definitely off

yoongi’s cleaned everything and did his share of chores

the tv is still mounted and the microwave’s clean!!

chimmy didn’t have a toilet accident because if he did, he would’ve already picked it up

there’s definitely something off with yOU

because first of all, why are you here???

“not coming to the park?”

if he can recall correctly, no matter how knackered you were after work, you’d still go to the skatepark!!

... not unless you were injured??

nah because if you were injured then you’d be whining to him now

“nope :)”

you’re lying on the couch where he usually lies nowadays because you weren’t around!!

and you’re drinking from your mug that he’s claimed as his mug

and chimmy’s squished in between the tiny gap of you and the far edge of the couch

“and why?”

he’s always had answers for everything but his mind’s bLANK for this

“wanna spend time with you guys :)”

okay

that’s gotta be the answer, right???

this is definitely weird

for starters, it’s already 11 PM and jungkook’s still in the skatepark and he’s not even skating anymore

he’s just waiting

weird... you aren’t here.......

aH it’s nothing :D you’re probably just tired and didn’t want to go skate

oh and.. you’re not here the next day

or the next

or the nEXT

jungkook spends almost the entirety of his time in the park

he goes there at 3 in the afternoon and comes home at 11 in the evening

no big deal

half of the time is just spent him actually skating and the other is figuring out wHERE you are

uh maybe you’ve started to take ubers now every time you come home??

you’re not walking home anymore and the car would pass by the skatepark and jungkook wouldn’t have a single clue where you are

it’s also this time that it dawns on him that he has no means whatsoever to contact you

he didn’t ask for your number and didn’t exchange socials so he could only gUESS

he can’t come over to your apartment either because he hasn’t walked you home and therefore he wouldn’t know your address

holy shit he’s so dumb and jungkook misses you a lot

like a whole whole lot

he misses you holding onto his shoulders for support and misses your excited grin whenever you nail a trick and had a perfect run

there’s nothing that jungkook could dO besides wait

and miss you so much

and mope

kook doesn’t want to give up and miss a day because what iF you pass by when he’s not there???

he can’t have that and he wON’t have that

he’s just so antsy and he hasn’t had his fix of chimmy bounding towards him and the malamute intentionally pouncing on him whenever he’d drop-in so he could lose his balance

he just needs to see you and your duffel bag and the precious yet beat-up wristwatch you have and-

WAIT

THAT’S YOU!!!

jungkook’s brought his perfume the past few days because he wouldn’t want to be aND smell sweaty when he sees you again

he’s wearing a shirt this time and nOT a hoodie and it’s actually a nice shirt!! the pale orange makes his tattoos pop

he’s also wearing a watch so he could look business-ish and composed and he kinda hATES watches because uhhhh you ever heard of a phone, buddy??

you’re walking striaght and paying no mind at all and to your surrounding and-

there’s suddenly this cRASH in front of you and it makes you recall in response because that came out of nowhere

... and this feels oddly familiar

only this time though, it’s intentional and it’s jungkook who literally tHREW his skateboard down on the spot in front of you

“y/n? wow, what a coincidence!”

you didn’t expect to see jungkook as soOn as you anticipated that he wouldn’t be here

he laughs nervously and he tries not to overanalyze the fact that your face is blank

“yup. totally.”

you’re avoiding his gaze and meanwhile he’s searching desperately for yours

what is he feeling and why is it hurt and longing at the same time

“can i walk you home?”

the words tumble out of his mouth before he could even ponder over them longer

“i uh, i rEALLY can’t believe i never asked to walk you home!! or even ask for your number!!! but uHhhh it’s late at night and to be honest i don’t have your number and i just need to know that you’re safe and-”

he stops his rambling right there because he realizes that he’s a stuttering nervous mess

you’re a bit speechless because normally you’re the chatty one but this one.,.,,. this one’s a pleasant surprise

“yeah, yeah. okay :)”

he can’t believe either that you agreed to it but he’s immediately gathering himself and swoops your duffel for him to hold

he’s not gonna entertain a single complaint <3

it’s not exactly the most tensioned silence ever but it’s definitely nOT comfortable

“why didn’t you come to the park?”

okay well sHIT you didn’t expect him to be this straightforward

wait no

you shouldn’t be surprised!! after all, he probably did mean what he said the last time you’ve seen him

what are u gonna say now

well you coulD say that you’re busy and he’d probably fall for it!!

or reiterate the truth that he’s implied and say it with a straight face

“oh. i started intentionally falling on my ass because i missed you,” jungkook spills out of nowhere while waiting for your answer and he now realizes that might’ve been a little awkward

after all he dID admit that he missed you

ahem

“did i uhm... did i say something?”

he rephrases his question and he knows that this was the more appropriate one

your coping mechanism is to kick on the ground as if there were leaves and there are absolutely nO leaves <3

“jungkook, you told me to stop.”

he blinks rapidly at that as he tries to digest your words

he’s trying to backtrack as much as possible and it wasn’t that!!

he simply doesn’t wanna see you hurt

“i can’t explain it but holy shiT i can’t see you hurt!! a-and i know that being hurt in skating is normal but for sOME reason i can’t stand it when i see you in pain o-or-...”

jungkook just can’t explaiN what he feels

“i just -- i just don’t gEt why you’d want to be hurt?? whY are you doing this to yourself??”

you find him ridiculous and this whole situation is just rIDICULOUS

“jesus christ jungkook i did it to try and impress a guy!!”

that earns you a snort and you immediately go defensive

he seems irked and his eyes are just beGGING to be rolled

“who?? taehyung?? the guy who would’ve wiped you out if he did end up hitting you on the head with the deck just a little harder??”

“what? taehyung???” you’re so confused and jungkook hates it even more, “yeah, taehyung!!”

“i like you, jungkook!”

o-oh

uhm

a.....ha

“me?”

he points to himself to which you eagerly nod your head to

“can you excuse me for one second?”

he barely gives you the time to respond because he’s already walking away and biting his arm

he’s actually sCREAMING

you throw your head back because omg did the two of you just basically admit that you liked each other

jungkook jogs back to where you stand a presses a hefty kISS right on your cheek

he’s on too much of a high that he holds your hand and practically drags you along with him because he’s almost skIPPING from how happy he is

“okay. good. nice. very good!!!” he could now sigh in relief because whEW that robbed him off his breath

“because i fell for you when i first saw you.”

jungkook basically has nO filter now and it’s adorable because god he’s just so soft and you now know what’s going and this wouldn’t be just whatever

“huh. imagine if yOU fell for me too at the same time,,,, that would make me piss my pants.”

he cackles because wow he dO be funny :D

he’s turning to look at you to gauge at your reaction and the waY that you’re holding your eye contact with him is all-telling for your answer

oh my god

jungkook is wrapped around your pinky :’)

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