#I've got a lot of the explanation written down but I wanna make sure I got evth right with smb who works on this legislation specifically

[nelkey]

It's really late right now, so I'll make a reblog with the proper explanation tomorrow, but google still has to respect privacy laws so no, they can't do that. Plus I live in Europe and we have even more specific privacy laws against that like the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), which would not allow that.

Hey guys! Since ao3 is down and we're all craving fics, would anybody want to join a shared drive folder and upload their downloaded ao3 fics to it with folders divided by fandoms/ships/gen etc for anyone to read?

But please, anyone who uses it has to go give kudos and thank the writers in the comments after the attacks are over, we can get through this!

[hotchs-big-hands]

What did you call me?

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|4.9k words

Aaron Hotchner x plus size fem!reader

NSFW Minors dni please

Warning(s): some angst, yearning, details about graphic crime scenes, strip clubs/sex clubs.

When Dom/sub couples begin to show up murdered mid-coital, the BAU team is brought in to solve the case. But as more couples are found and the unsub remains undetected, it becomes an undercover mission. The posing Dom/sub couple in question? Your intimidating, attractive boss and you.

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Hey everyone, welcome to my first fanfic! I used to write and post stuff back in 2018ish but it was a different fandom. I've not written and posted anything tho since then so I'm a bit nervous! But idk I just got back into cm recently and I saw Hotch and my brain was like oh yeah 👁️👁️ (I used to be a Spencer girlie) and I've mostly written stuff for myself but I decided imma start doing stuff on here too! I hope you enjoy and lemme know if you wanna be tagged in future writings 🥰 side note, I'm a fat gal so I will probably centre most of my stuff around plus size readers cuz there's not enough of it for plus size Hotch girlies 😔 but technically anyone can read and enjoy it! This was getting extremely long so I'm splitting it into three parts so here's the first one! Anyway, enjoy 💅

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The feeling of something blunt lightly bounced against your forehead, making you blink a few times and rub the area with your hand.

"Hey... Who did that?" You grumbled, eyes darting from one face of your coworkers to the next. Three of them all pointed towards the culprit and as your eyes drifted back to him you were met with a cheeky grin on the charming, dark-skinned man's face.

"You were spaced out, sugar." Derek Morgan said. "Got a lot on your mind?"

"Got a lot of him on her mind, more like." A voice cut in smugly, flustering you in an instant, your heart beginning to race. Your eyes flicked to Prentiss, the pristine raven haired woman was smirking at you, her eyes glinting. You squeaked and shifted in your office chair nervously.

"No, Em! Just... couldn't sleep last night."

The weak explanation didn't help, it only widened the smirk on Prentiss' face as she leaned forward.

"Oh? Do tell us more."

"There's nothing to say!" You abruptly turned to the casefile that lay open on your slightly messy desk and tried to ignore the movement at the corner of your eye; Emily was shuffling her chair over to you, no doubt still with that annoying smirk on her face.

"Oh it sure sounds like there is though."

Before you had the chance to defend yourself an all too familiar voice demanded everyone's attention and subsequently caused a shiver to trickle down your spine. Your hands gripped onto your chair.

"My team; in the conference room now. We have a case." Your unit chief spoke. All heads turned to the direction of a slightly elevated walkway where a sharply dressed man stood for a mere moment, locking eyes with yours, before he began walking briskly towards the mentioned conference room.

Fuck. Hotch was wearing your favourite suit and tie today and a few stray wisps of his short, dark hair stubbornly lay over his forehead, no matter how often he must have tried to push them up off his face. Everyday was harder than the previous working with that man. The moment you'd attended your interview months ago, sitting in front of the brooding man, you knew you were fucked. Yes, you had been eager to join the famed BAU unit and were grateful for the opportunity that arose but you'd be lying if another reason you eagerly answered all the questions prompted to you in that interview wasn't because you were instantly attracted to Aaron Hotchner. However, that was almost a year ago now and you were struggling with your growing attraction to the man the more you were around him. Your coworkers and friends certainly were no help, given they'd soon caught onto your crush.

A hand waved in front of your face and you blinked.

"Time to go, lovergirl." Prentiss teased and you sighed, quickly joining the others as they made their way to the case briefing. You needed to focus.

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Landing in Chicago a few hours later, the team were thrust into a gnarly investigation involving couples being murdered in their hotel rooms mid-coital. The crime scene photos were hard to look at, to say the least. Setting up a base of operations in the police department didn't take too long and currently you were in the midst of interviewing family members of the deceased along with Hotch at his insistence. It wasn't often that you took part in these interviews, even less often did Hotch ever team you up with him. Quite frankly, it made you feel a little nervous, but there was no way you'd question his decision. And certainly, you did not miss the subtle smug look Emily gave you as you trailed after the man you thought about way too much.

Sitting beside him in the SUV, just the two of you alone made your head feel a little bit floaty as you tried your best to remain as stoic as possible, reminding yourself of the details of the case so far and of the little bits of information from the families you'd spoken to. Even with the effort there was no preventing the permeating scent of his cologne and a hint of his own natural musk from scrambling your brain. He smelled good, too good, and the way his hands gripped the steering wheel from the quick glances you dared peek developed a heat to coil within the depths of your lower abdomen.

"Are you alright?" His voice brought you out of your thoughts. You felt flushed.

"H-huh?" You felt dumbstruck, all because of him. He exhaled through his nose sharply, clearly dissatisfied with your response.

"You're distracted."

Oh. Of course he could pick up on it. You shifted in your seat, subtly rubbing your plump thighs together.

"I'm okay, I guess I've not had enough to drink today though. I'll get some water when we head back to the station." Not a lie, technically. You'd forgotten your bottle of water you normally had ready to fill up to take on cases. Hotch hummed, the sound deep and making you clench between your thighs.

"I did notice you didn't have your water like you usually do. I should have said something." He said. Wait, he noticed? You didn't think he picked up on things about you, he didn't often appear to pay attention to you besides on a strictly professional level. But as you turned your head to him in surprise his brows were furrowed in frustration, as though annoyed with himself for not saying anything.

"Oh no, it's fine. I've been a bit of a scatterbrain as of late." You admitted sheepishly, a little smile on your lips. Hotch glanced at you, eyes flicking down to your lips, then back to your eyes, making your breath hitch.

"Anything I can do to help?"

You bit your lip, your mind flooded with a whole array of thoughts that you knew you shouldn't be having about your boss. He didn't know he was the reason you were so distracted, desperate to feel his lips on yours, on your body and his hands on your skin, his fingers inside you. Fuck. You needed to get it together, for goodness' sake. You quickly glanced back towards the road.

"Ah, no. I'm okay, sir. I'll sort myself out." You murmured, missing the way his knuckles whitened under the pressure of his grip on the wheel.

"Don't hesitate to come to me if you need anything."

You tried not to think of what you wanted him to do to you, instead humming in response.

"Thank you, sir."

You needed to get out of this damn car as soon as possible.

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Immediately upon returning to the station you rushed off to find a vending machine so you could grab a bottle of water. As soon as you had your hands on the cold, plastic bottle you were gulping down the cool liquid, not realising just how flushed you felt.

"Whoa, slow down there, (L/n)!" You heard JJ's voice from behind you and you turned, pulling the bottle from your mouth wide-eyed. The blonde woman looked slightly alarmed. "Are you okay?"

You nodded.

"Yeah, yeah. I just forgot to bring water so I kinda got a bit dehydrated I think." You explain quickly. JJ frowned a little.

"You'd better be careful next time. And don't drink too quickly, you could accidentally choke."

You smiled sheepishly under her scolding and screwed the lid back on.

"Sorry, I'll drink slower."

JJ led you back to the office where you found the familiar sight of Spencer pouring over a map of the area. Pieces of string had been wrapped around pins indicating the last locations victims were seen and the scenes of their murders, no clear pattern in sight as there sometimes was. On one of the tables lay several empty paper coffee cups, a few rings of spilled coffee staining the surface top. He was speaking quietly to another member of the team, David Rossi, and Hotch; of whom stood beside the young Doctor with his arms folded across his chest, inevitably tightening the suit over his physique. You forced yourself to focus on the map.

Not long after your arrival you heard two sets of footsteps trudge into the room.

"No employees or frequent customers that are of note. We have nothing." Derek huffed as he made his way over to one of the chairs and slumped down into it. Emily joined you and JJ, her face appeared neutral but you could tell there was a hint of annoyance behind it. You heaved a deep sigh and felt eyes on you which made you instinctively seek out who it was, only to be startled when your eyes met deep brown ones, almost black in the artificial lighting. Hotch didn't look away, instead holding your gaze until you quickly turned away, feeling embarrassed.

"There has to be something that connects them all." Rossi said. Your eyes drifted across the map, narrowing a little. There had to be a mutual place that all these couples had been to in the final week leading up to their deaths. Somewhere that couples who enjoy sexual relations more than the average couple would go. You pulled your phone out of your pocket and quickly scrolled through your contacts until you found the one you were looking for. As you pressed dial you put the call on loudspeaker it merely rang once before there was an answer.

"Hello, you've reached the hotline for the simply fantabulous Penelope Garcia; how may I assist you?" A bubbly voice filtered through. All eyes were on the phone as you placed it on the table in front of you.

"Hiya, babe, I have a request for you. We're trying to find a link between the couples but so far nothing has cropped up. But I have a theory," you spoke, feeling a little awkward at what you were about to say. "Uhm, do you think you could try search for any strip clubs or even straight up sex clubs in the area? Easily accessible or possibly a more hidden club?"

You could feel his eyes on you again but you tried hard to stare at the phone. Garcia gasped from the other end of the line, but the sound of nails on a keyboard reassured you she was already on the case. Beside you, you felt Emily poke you and you lightly shoved her with your wide hip.

"Oh wow, I did not think I would be looking at this sort of thing today. But lucky you, I have a whole list of places! I-" there was clicking, followed by another gasp. "Oh my! That is certainly a homepage! You have no idea about the things I'm seeing right now, well, I mean I'll be sending these to you anyway but gosh! I'm going to do a thorough clean of my history once this case-"

"-Garcia, focus." Hotch said firmly and you heard a quick apology from the other end of the line. He moved to lean over the table, propping himself up with his hands as he took charge of the phone call. "We need security footage from these locations. Whatever you can give us, we'll take it."

More clacking of nails, you tried not to stare at your boss as he leered over your phone, forcing yourself to look away from his straining suit, the dangling tie, his large hands. Horrifically, you instead met eyes with the oldest of the group, Rossi, who had clearly caught you ogling Hotch from the glint in his experienced eyes and the twitch at the corner of his mouth. Shit. You could only hope no one else had witnessed your blatancy. Thankfully, Garcia's voice came through again.

"I'm sending over whatever footage I can find as well as the addresses to the establishments now."

You reached across the table, hyper aware of how close you were to Hotch as you took hold of your phone. He studied you carefully when you hurried backwards, swallowing thickly. You cleared your throat.

"Thanks, babe, you're a star." You said.

"Well of course, I'm your star." Garcia responded cheerily and the line went dead. Hotch straightened up and pulled his suit back into place, turning to address everyone.

"We need to review the footage and find out which location all the victims visited at some point within the last few weeks, then we can make a plan of action." He was stern as he spoke, hands in his pockets and his shoulders squared. There was a mutual noise of agreement from everyone and you all split into smaller groups around the monitors in the room. Hotch disappeared off to find the chief of police and you couldn't help but let your eyes follow him as he rushed out of the room, eyes transfixed on the tight fabric of his dress pants.

"Girl, you aren't even hiding it." You heard Derek say and you huffed, walking over to Spencer and sitting down next to him. He offered you an awkward smile and shuffled his chair to the side so you could get closer to the computer he was working on.

"Shut up, Derek." You muttered and he chuckled.

"I'm just saying, you should probably talk to him."

Your eyes widened in horror.

"Excuse me?"

Spencer cleared his throat.

"I agree, It's a bit obvious that he's interested in you too." He said softly and you huffed, shuffling your chair closer to the table and leaning towards the computer screen.

"Stop saying ridiculous things like that, both of you. We have work to do anyway."

Derek stepped back with his hands raised in surrender before retreating back to the computer he was situated at whilst Spencer simply watched you carefully, frowning a little.

It was dangerous for you to even dare think of such things. There were so many reasons why you couldn't let your mind go there. If not for the ethical reason due to his and your job statuses, then maybe because he was much older than you with a son. But also you'd seen photos of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend and you certainly didn't look like his type. Not slender, not sleek like they were. You didn't think he was a shallow man but you'd also dealt with disappointment after disappointment with how others had treated you based on your appearance. You had to keep yourself safe, so your attraction for your boss would remain nothing more than a secret from him. You sighed softly as the young man beside you clicked on the first video footage from one of the private sex clubs. There was no more time to waste.

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The following few hours were downright miserable, viewing video, after video of footage from various clubs until you felt as though your eyes and your brain would melt out of your head. Finally, however, Emily made a noise of alarm, mouth full of cheap coffee, and alerted everyone to her computer. Swallowing the burning, bitter liquid, she retracted the footage a little and replayed it.

"Look, It's the Smiths! The first couple to be murdered. They came in to this very exclusive private sex club at the end of last month." She said hurriedly. In the slightly fuzzy camera quality indeed the couple waltzed into the lobby of the facility and approached the reception desk.

"Fast forward the feed." You heard Hotch say, causing goosebumps to bristle across your skin. You knew he had returned at some point but didn't expect him to stand right beside you. Someone made a call to Garcia and she confirmed with her database that it was indeed the couple. Further analysis of the footage from days afterwards showed that every single of the other couples had also been to this sex club too shortly before they were murdered. And yet they had no indication still of who was the murderer.

The day was drawing in at this point but as a final task before anyone would return to the hotel, Hotch sent out Morgan and Prentiss to the club to ask some questions, something that you couldn't help but chuckle at. The raven haired woman narrowed her eyes slightly at you.

"Laugh all you want but I'd be careful if I were you." She warned but you simply smirked.

"Don't have too much fun now, you two." You said cheerily, Morgan raised a brow at you and then the two were off begrudgingly. You felt JJ sidle up beside you.

"You know she will get you back." She murmured and you shrugged.

"She doesn't scare me."

"She scares me a little." Spencer said aloud, causing the two of you to turn your heads in his direction. He flushed, ducking his head slightly. "I- uh, well you know how she is."

"I wouldn't think you were intimidated by her, Spence, I mean you're the one who won the prank war with Morgan." JJ said, chuckling. A small smile tugged at his mouth.

"I wouldn't cross Emily, though."

You hummed and pushed up out of your chair.

"Well anyway, either of you want a hot drink?" You offered. JJ smiled.

"Oh no, thank you." As Spencer opened his mouth to respond she lifted a finger up at him. "Ah- you definitely don't need anymore coffee at this time of day."

A quiet giggle passed your lips and you turned to head to the kitchenette of the station.

"I'm not getting involved."

Walking out of the office you crossed the police department, avoiding any officers who still remained within the building, and came to a pause in the entryway of the kitchen, dipping away from the doorway out of sight. The two oldest members of the team were in a deep conversation, Hotch with his back to the door and Rossi facing the direction you were in. They spoke quietly, you knew you shouldn't listen in and yet you couldn't help it.

"Stop being absurd. What makes you think I'd even consider doing that?" Hotch hissed, his voice barely audible from where you were.

"Come on, Aaron, you can't keep this going forever. You know that." Rossi countered. There were more words said but were too quiet for you to decipher. That was until Hotch spoke a little louder again, sounding more frustrated.

"I am not currently wishing to be involved with anyone like that, Dave. I just can't."

In an instant you felt your heart in your throat, your eyes stinging.

Oh.

You felt stupid. Of course he wasn't interested in dating anyone. Even despite closely guarding your feelings for Hotch to be nothing further than a personal crush that he would never find out about it still hurt knowing you never had a chance to begin with.

Walking a few steps away from the kitchen, you made a point of entering the kitchen area, feigning surprise as your eyes landed on the two men in the room. Clearly, your entrance startled them, particularly him, who looked a little guilty before the slight expression glossed over with stern stoicism. Hotch glanced away, turning to Rossi.

"I'll see you at the hotel." He muttered and then he was brushing past you, his hand grazing your arm slightly and his scent consuming your senses. And then he was gone, all that remained was the slight coolness of his absence. You swallowed thickly but tried to mask your emotions from the seasoned agent still remaining.

"Coffee? There's some left still, maybe enough for one last cup." Rossi said softly. You smiled slightly as you approached him but shook your head.

"Ah no, thank you. I'm going to have tea. It's way too late for coffee, don't you think?"

The man hummed, watching you carefully. You suspected he had seen you earlier, that you'd heard the conversation but you didn't feel like talking about it.

"I hope you know that if you ever need someone to lend an ear that I'm always willing to listen."

Your hands faltered slightly during sorting out putting a tea bag in a clean mug. Your eyes flicked to the side at Rossi briefly.

"I know that."

"I know you heard what you think you heard but-"

"-Let's not- We aren't talking about this." You cut him off shakily, stopping yourself before you poured the hot water into the mug. "There's nothing to say about it."

You turned away from the kitchen counter to lean against it, rubbing your tired eyes with your palms. Rossi sighed quietly.

"You didn't catch the whole conversation." He tried after a moment. You scoffed.

"It wasn't for me to hear. I only did so by accident. I'm not going to read into it because the only people who were meant to hear what was discussed was you and-" Your throat felt tighter still, an unseen coil constricting you, just as the man you longed for constricted your heart and soul. You didn't say his name, couldn't. Mercifully, the man before you understood.

"I know."

You nodded. The mug of tea wasn't appealing anymore; the quiet promise of solitude in a hotel room called to you more than all else.

"I.... I think I need to call it a night. I don't feel well."

Rossi placed a hand on your upper arm and squeezed lightly.

"I'll inform the others and grab your stuff then I'll drive you to the hotel we're staying in," he fished out the keys to one of the SUVs and handed them to you, the metal clinking together. "Go, wait in the car for me." He said. The corners of your mouth tilted upwards in appreciation and you hurried out, eager to have even a moment to yourself.

The moment you pushed the doors of the building open and stepped outside you exhaled, grimacing slightly at the still, warm air of the night. You'd hoped it would have cooled down more, now that the sun had long since settled behind the horizon, but you felt stifled, the heat doing nothing to soothe the tightness in your throat and chest. Breathing shakily, you unlocked the car and climbed into the passenger seat, laying your head back against the head rest.

There was no reason for you to feel so upset about this. It wasn't as though you intended on ever approaching your boss about your ever growing feelings for him, you wouldn't dare do that. And yet you felt almost physically sick from heartbreak and the worst part was he didn't even know the pain you were in. Hell, you didn't even know where he was right now after he rushed out of the kitchen.

You knew the moment Rossi obviously had retrieved your belongings judging the way your phone had begun to vibrate from text notifications, no doubt from your coworkers. You'd answer them when you made it to the hotel, you decided. A few minutes later you spotted the older man exit the station and approach the car you were in, your bag and coat in hand. The sight made you smile even the tiniest bit, something that he noticed. You felt the car jolt a little as he opened the trunk so he could put your belongings down and jolt again when he slammed it lightly. A second later he was climbing in on the driver's side where you held out the car keys to him.

"Thanks." He took the keys and inserted them into the ignition, the engine roaring to life and you slipped your seatbelt on. Rossi glanced at you. "Let's get you to the hotel. Best thing about this is if there aren't enough rooms for one each you can have first pick on if you want the single or not." He said as you pulled out the station parking lot. You scoffed.

"Oh you know I'm absolutely taking the single this time." You retorted. In any other scenario you would have risked sharing a room, risk being paired with him. Now the thought made you want to cry. Your little smile faded and you turned your head to the window, resting on the cool glass. Sensing you were finished talking, Rossi didn't say anything else for the remainder of the drive.

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A little groan escaped your lips when you collapsed backwards on the single bed in your hotel room, exhaustion overrunning your very being from the long day. For a moment you simply lay there silently, staring at the dulled white ceiling whilst your mind raced. You knew this wasn't ideal, you couldn't let yourself be distracted from the case.

Huffing, you remembered that you needed to respond to messages to let the others know you would be alright by the morning. After pulling your phone out of your pocket, the screen lit up and your eyes flicked across the notifications on the lock screen. Lots of messages from your worried coworkers. You unlocked the phone and set about answering them one-by-one. JJ and Emily offered to stop by your hotel room to check in on you, not knowing you'd been feeling unwell up until this point, but you reassured them you would be okay.

Just as you finished your nightly routine and pulled the covers back, there was a knock on your door. Your brows furrowed slightly. Who would be knocking at this time? Sighing, you approached the door and leaned close to the peephole, expecting to see one of the ladies or maybe even Rossi.

Standing tensely with his shoulders squared was Aaron Hotchner. A quiet gasp escaped you and you jolted backwards from the door. What the fuck was he doing here?! With shaky hands, you pulled the door open and slightly covered yourself with it, hyper aware of your clothing situation. Hotch perked up and stared down at you.

"Rossi informed me that you weren't feeling well and had to retire early." He murmured gently, his face stern. You swallowed and silently invited him into your room by stepping back, pulling the door with you. He cautiously walked into your hotel room and you closed the door behind him, wrapping your arms around yourself in a feeble attempt to cover your body up. Why, oh why did you have to wear shorts that barely covered your ass and an old tee that wasn't as baggy anymore from being washed one too many times?

You cleared your throat and avoided looking in Hotch's direction.

"He's right. But I'm sure I'll feel better by tomorrow though."

You offered a little smile, eyes flicking to his face and realised he was staring. Except he wasn't staring at your face, no, his eyes were focused lower down at your chest. Christ. You quickly looked away again before he realised you'd caught him out and he hummed, the sound making you clench.

"What's wrong?"

Oh no. You couldn't answer that. Your eyes met his and you opened your mouth, hesitating with no response to give.

"I.... Just felt sick, that's all. I'll be okay though."

You never were good at hiding how you were really feeling, the deepening frown on the man's face before you merely evident of this.

"Are you certain? You can tell me anything, you know that." He said softly as he stepped closer to you. You nodded and tried smiling again at him.

"I know, sir. I promise I'm alright though." You tightened your arms around yourself until your flesh dipped under the pressure of your fingertips. Hotch's eyes trailed over you from head to toe, clearly unsatisfied with your reluctance to tell him the truth, but didn't push the matter further. You inhaled as he stepped closer still, his scent once more overwhelming you. His fingers flexed at his side as though he was conflicted and you wished he would reach out and touch you. Eventually, he sighed quietly and retreated a step.

"Alright. But I will be keeping an eye on you now."

Not good. You nodded though, then yawned and your cheeks flushed with warmth. Despite the tension, a small smile tugged at Hotch's mouth.

"You should get some rest." He said. You chuckled.

"Yeah, you as well though. I know what you're like."

He raised a brow at you.

"Really now?"

Your eyes widened and you stuttered.

"W-well I'm just saying, you do leave the office last, you're up earlier than everyone else too-" you cut yourself off, not wanting to dig your hole any deeper. You dared a quick glance his way and he was still slightly smirking.

"Get some rest, your boss is going to be up early again tomorrow to call everyone in."

A little chuckle escaped you and you followed Hotch to the door, grabbing the door as he opened it and hiding behind it again as you watched him make his way out into the corridor. He turned back to you and gazed down at you again.

"Good night, (L/n)." He murmured. Your eyes met and you gripped onto the door.

"Good night, sir."

He shifted, as though debating something in his head, then he turned and stalked down the corridor. You didn't close your door until he disappeared from sight. When you returned to your bed you collapsed down onto it whilst your mind raced. That night your dreams were filled with forbidden touches and kisses from the man you loved.

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And that's part one for now pls lemme know what you think and if anyone wants to be tagged in future works! Thank you for reading 💖💖

[saltynsassy31]

Regarding that Silvaze post. I, of course, can't speak for anyone else, but I can say why I personally fell in love with Silvaze. It's strange, I swear this is like the third time now I've written a response like this to someone asking why people ship Silver and Blaze. I don't want to spend too much time on this, I often get carried away with stuff like this. Ultimately, it comes down to three points:

1. Dynamic - Goofy cringefail boyfriend x stern emotionally-reserved kickass girlfriend, is a fun dynamic. Not to mention I'm a sucker for 'guy who worships his partner like a goddess' archetypes. Lots of fluff potential. That's the fun part, then there's always the angst.

2. Backstory - It's like a damn Greek tragedy! Two people who, in a dark future, only had each other, no home, friends, or hope, just each other. They grow so close that one decides to sacrifice herself for the other. History is reset, memories are erased. Blaze is reborn as a royal in a paradise dimension. Silver is left to relive his life in the apocalypse, only this time all alone. Separated by time and space, memories erased, their life together never existed. And yet! They manage to meet again! And through a strange feeling of deja vu they remember one another! Through muscle memory alone they act in sync without the need for words. AHHHH Like come on, that's writing gold! And that brings us to the final point:

3. Potiental - I would go so far as to call Silvaze a crackship or rare pair, because content for them can be a drought sometimes. It really comes in waves, rather than a constant stream. And canon seems to like to keep them apart which I suppose is poetic in a way, or if they do meet the writers don't really seem interested in their relationship. I think you can count on your hand the number of times they've actually had conversations with each other. Which is a shame. But what often makes me daydream about them, what made me fall in love them is the potential! What if they rediscovered the memories of their previous life? Would Silver be consumed by shame of letting Blaze go when she sacrificed herself for him? Would Blaze feel guilty about leaving her friend behind in a nightmare world while she got to live in a paradise with all the riches and luxuries she could ever ask for? What if we explore their early years in the 06timeline, how they met? Would they be overprotective of each other? Would Blaze offer to shelter Silver in her kingdom to make sure he doesn't have to return and live in his devastated future? What if we explored the whole time travel thing, how it works, can Silver do it on his own? How would they aid each other in their quests? Silver protecting the Sol Kingdom, Blaze returning to the future in hopes of fixing it. There's literally so much you can do with them, they're so interesting!

But those are just my thoughts. Hope this isn't too long. Bye.

Oh dude, don't even WORRY about that, I love long posts! Despite taking forever to reply to them XD

These are some pretty interesting points but that second point....WHAT THE HELL!?! FR!?!

Wait oh my god, I think that has been the biggest revelation to me I'm stumped huh????? Oh god i really have to look deeper into them now wtf

And they have lacking content? That's so unfair! Ugh man, now I wanna try to contribute, I really love them and finding out more about them has only solidified that 😭😭

It's like I can never win with my ships here lmao, I thought I'd be safe with sonamy, only for sonamy to have less than a thousand (completed) fanfics on ao3 with sonado at almost 3k 😭😭 (nothing against sonadow btw, just surprised sonamy doesn't have more)

But I'll try my best do do Sonamy and Silvaze right! I don't have the talent of writing to do nothing with it!

Thank you so much for this small, in depth explanation, I'm really shocked about their past part, this is pretty interesting shit lmao

[cc-writesfor2dcharacters]

Tokyo Revengers boys holding your hand on your first date

(Mikey, Chifuyu, Baji, Mitsuya)

A/N: It gets longer for every character, so enjoy! This is just to satisfy my TokRev brain rot so far. I'll be writing for Bonten soon!!! <33

Manjiro Sano

This boy was so oblivious that you wanted to hold his hand on you two's first date. He just wanted to eat his Taiyaki instead of holding your hand. It was childish of you, but you wanted his attention. But, you let your emotions get to you and got mad at him without any explanations. He followed you like a stray kid and you weren't talking to him.

"Y/N, are you mad at me?" He asked but you were stubborn enough not to acknowledge him. You walked waster than before. In all honesty, Mikey has never paid attention to you even if he said he likes you. So, you wanted to go home immediately. But, you were shocked when he suddenly grabbed your hand. You looked at him all flustered and he started to laugh. "You just wanted me to hold your hand, do you? I'm sorry, Y/N. I've been busy with Toman lately." He intertwined his hand with yours and you were caught off guard when he kissed your hand. "Is that enough compensation for the lack of attention I gave you?" You pouted and looked away from him, as your face was turning aggressively red, you slowly nodded your head. With his free hand, he softly pinched your cheek. He scrunched his nose, making his eyes go missing, and said, "You are so cute, you know that?"

Up until now, Mikey still teases you about what happened. But, you grew accustomed to him holding your hand, that it feels weird whenever he doesn't.

Matsuno Chifuyu

If it wasn't for Takemichi who gave him a lot of advice, he wouldn't know what to do. The two of them prepared like it was also Takemichi's date. And, you were sure that Takemichi was on the lookout for Chifuyu's date with you. Right now, you and Chifuyu were watching a movie in a cinema. And again, Takemichi probably suggested that you and Chifuyu should watch a horror movie. It was your weakness, and you were easy to scare.

You noticed that his hand was twitching, trying to hold yours. Your attention turned to the screen because the ticket would be wasted if you didn't watch it properly. But, when a scary scene came on the screen, you almost jumped out of your seat and that made Chifuyu worried. He regretted that he took you to see a horror movie. He cleared his throat and asked, "D-do you want to hold my hand so you won't feel scared?" Of course, you wanted it to happen, so you took his hand that was fairly cold. You held onto his hand tightly as scary scenes didn't seem to end. And, almost at the end of the movie, you didn't realize that you were already leaning your body on his. The hand you were holding a while ago was now wrapped around your shoulder, while the other still holds your hand.

But, he was happy he still listened to Takemichi. You did more than just holding hands since the two of you were practically cuddling in the cinema. The two of you just noticed when the lights went on in the theater.

Keisuke Baji

To be honest, dating never really came to his mind. But, for a man who wanted to fight every single person he meets, you were an exception. That's why he didn't have a clue on where to take you, he just blurted out the question and asked you out on a date. As you prepared, he suddenly texted you that he was caught in a fight and he might be late, but told you to go to your meet-up place. So, you waited on the spot he told you he was going to pick you up at. An hour has passed and he still hasn't shown up. You hugged your legs together and cried. It was rare for you to agree to go on a date, and on the first one, you got ditched. You decided you should go home and just leave him.

But, you were stopped when a motorcycle appeared in front of you. And there he was. Baji had blood and bruises on his face. He got out of his motorcycle and kneeled in front of you. "What are you doing, Baji? Get up." You were irritated at him. To think that you waited an hour just to see him after a fight. "No. This is my way of apologizing and telling you how genuinely sorry I am. Y/N, I like you, and I don't wanna mess this up." You already had a soft spot for him, so you forgave him in an instant. He just took you out for some street foods and you two had ice cream. It was a fun night, but you knew something was missing.

As you hopped onto his bike, you were careful not to touch him anywhere because a part of his body might be aching from his fight. But, before he drove off, he pulled both of your hands and held it with his. You stayed like that for a moment as you nuzzled your face in his back, feeling comfortable around him. He slowly rested his back on your chest. "I should get used to this." He bluntly said and turned to you. "And, that will be the first and last time I'm late. I want to make sure there's going to be more dates for us." You gave him a smile as an answer, and he smiled back even wider. And, you're lying if you said that it was a disastrous night when really, you wouldn't have it any other way.

Mitsuya Takashi

It seems that he studied everything about you. Down to your favorite local restaurant, to your favorite flowers, and to your ideal date spot. Even the type of clothing you wanted a guy to wear, he had that. He was just too perfect for you. And on your first date, the two of you went to a museum. You were enamored with every artwork there is in the vicinity, and you seem to forget about the man you were on a date with. But, he was patient. He listened to you talk about all the art pieces, sculptures, down to the literature written hundreds of years ago. This part of you was so adorable for him, as he realized that you were a lowkey nerd. But, he was determined to make a move and man up to hold your hand.

And, he caught you off guard when you were staring at an artwork you can't seem to grasp. He suddenly appeared beside you and took your hand. You forgot about the artwork and looked at your date who was more breathtaking than the painting in front of you. "Thank goodness, you're looking at me now." He chuckled as he noticed that you were staring at him now. "Well, no art can compare to you." You cheekily remarked as you rested your chin on his shoulder. He shyly looked down and said, "I should be the one giving you some cheesy pickup lines." He pulled you closer and let you talk about all the art you know. Your night was compromised with the two of you not letting each other hand's go as you briefly explained everything in the museum.

You two were about to end the night to go to a rooftop. On the steps, he stopped you. You were ahead with one step, so your heights were equal. He didn't say anything, and your heart was racing faster. He cupped your face and that made you gasp. You closed your eyes in anticipation, and when 5 seconds have passed you opened your other eye. He smiled at you and asked, "Can I kiss you?" You gulped at his question but nodded your head in agreement. He slowly leaned towards you as your lips touch one another. It was a quick yet deep kiss. And, his lips tasted like all the best flavors in this world combined. When you two pulled away, both of you were a flustered mess and looked away from each other. Because you thought it was just going to be your first date with him, but he also became your first kiss. But, you two finally went to your last spot. With your head resting on his shoulder while stargazing. You thought you were dreaming to have the most perfect man beside you in the most perfect view.

[novafire-is-thinking]

Behind the Playlist - Transformers: Prime Edition (Part 20 of 22: Starscream)

Link to the other posts in my Behind the Playlist series

✧ ✧ ✧

In contrast to Soundwave, Starscream enjoys hearing himself talk. A lot. The great thing is, all of the songs on his playlist pretty much speak for themselves.

Intended overarching themes and/or qualities: The Theatrical Schemer, Manipulative Ambition, Poisonous Bitterness

My personal favorite(s) from this playlist: Golden, My Turn Now, Take Over, Bridges, and On The Rise

✧ ✧ ✧

Full song list and explanations under the cut:

Enemy feat. J.I.D. by Imagine Dragons

The first time I heard this song, I immediately thought of Starscream. He made a lot of enemies and seemed to enjoy it, at least for a time.

No Good by UNSECRET, Ruelle

“Everyone is sleeping / While you're getting even / Scheming is just what you do

Ooh-ooh-ooh / You're up to no, no, no / No good / Keep enemies close so / You can play the wolf / But you can't escape the woods, no / Ooh-ooh-ooh / You're up to no, no, no / No good”

Golden by UNSECRET, Jessie Early

“I'm golden / Nobody can take my crown / I'm golden / Nobody can take me down / I'm golden / Look and see me, I'm so high / Come on, watch me shine, shine / I'm golden”

King by Zayde Wølf

“The crown is getting heavy / But they've written my name in the stars / For diamonds and castles / I've dealt blood and greed and scar

I've been climbing up all these mountains for so long / And I've been building up all these kingdoms for so long / But I will never run when destiny comes / I'm dipping my hand in gold

It's good to be king”

This is what I imagine Starscream might have been thinking when he was sure Megatron had fallen at the end of Darkness Rising.

Fight For My Survival by The Phantoms

Starscream may have been a coward, but his self-preservation instinct remained intact. He was willing to go to any lengths to secure his survival.

My Turn Now by Hidden Citizens, VĒ

“It’s my turn now / Fall in line, or step aside / It’s my turn now / Seeing all the signs, I’m on the rise / I’ve been hearing it from everybody / Zeroin’ in—I’ve finally set my sights, yeah / I’ve decided: / It’s my turn now”

Move over, Megatron. Starscream wants a turn leading the Decepticons.

Take Over by Hidden Citizens, Ruelle

“Got a little taste of it / And I- I want more / And I can't ignore the feel of it / Nothing's gonna stop me now

Fire on the ground got 'em running for cover / Better watch out I'm about to take over

I don't got time to look over my shoulder / Leave 'em all behind I'm about to take over

You wanna get competitive / But I stay on top, yeah I call the shots / Get used to it / Nothing's gonna bring me down”

Bridges (feat. Fjøra) by Generdyn

“Chaos, in the atmosphere / Maybe, I bring it everywhere / The shadows are the look on your face / I just wanna way to escape / At thе, point of no return / Can we, bandage up thе hurt? / Will we change the way we are? / The way we are?

I can't help burning down / All the bridges that I've found / I've lit more up, than I can count / All the bridges that I've found”

Starscream never really knew anything besides bitter servitude and scheming for survival. Forget genuinely connecting with anyone. He’s a master of burning bridges.

Watch It Fall by Willyecho

“I just played a part in your legacy / I was just a broken bone beneath your feet / You should be more careful with the things you say / I know something that you don't know

It's my dream, it's my vision, it's your crown I'll be taking / Watch it all fall down, watch it all fall down / Do we make your decisions? So prepare for collision / Watch it all fall down, watch it all fall down / Watch it all fall down, watch it all fall down

You can try your best but you can't silence me / I am such a force, it's quite a mystery / Living in your shadows coming to an end / I know something that you don't know”

To: Megatron, From: Starscream

I’m A Ruler by Tommee Profitt, Ruby Amanfu

He certainly thinks that’s what he is.

Reign by Tommee Profitt, Anna Graceman

“Only certain people / Get to wear a crown / Only certain people / Make the world go 'round / But rules are made for breaking / It's time to make a change / I know I'm meant for bigger things / My destiny awaits

Someday, they'll tell my story / I'll be someone you won't forget / Nothing out there can stop me / Yeah, I know that I was born to be great / Ooh, I was born to reign”

The Hate Inside by Tommee Profitt, Sam Tinnesz

Starscream shamelessly stews in his hatred. This song contains the sort of warning Optimus might have given him at one point or another. Of course, such pontificating would not have been appreciated.

On The Rise by Generdyn, BELLSAINT

“Pay attention, ′cause I'm coming for you / Waiting to strike, and now I′m on the loose / Feel the tension when I walk in the room / Hungry for power, I know I won't lose

Say what you want / Do what you do / Thirsty for blood and now I′m on the move

Surviving, I'm making the money, I′m climbing / I'm owning the top and the prizin' / You′ll start recognizing

I′m on the rise”

✧ ✧ ✧

Notes:

This post series is in alphabetical order. Next up are Ultra Magnus and Wheeljack.

As I add more songs to the playlist, I’ll update this post.

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ CLUB DOESN'T GO FIRST ❜

with Ezekiel Reyes.

Request: Second part of this prompt.

BY @ly--canthrope

Warnings: none.

Word count: about 2.9k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: @angels-reyes

Masterlist.

Sitting up and resting your back against the window, you cover your mouth to drown a loud yawn on the palm of your hand. Your head hurts too much, but not more than your heart, feeling yet the oppression squeezing it. Turning to the nightstand, you find a coffee with a hand written note that says ‘drink me with the pill’. Angel has been taking care of you for the last four days, sleeping on the sofa you can't imagine how hurt has to be his back. Feeling so sorry for him. The history repeats itself years ago. Lowering the blind a little, you grab the painkiller to swallow it with a sip of the cold drink. You don't want to check your phone, knowing what you are going to find. But the masochism is stronger than your desire for not doing it. Grabbing it from under Angel's pillow, you unlock it.

There are thousands of texts and lost calls from EZ's number. And, like every morning since four days ago, you read all the messages. This time, you have fifty two. The most recent is from twenty minutes ago. You're aware that he has been sleeping on his brother's door waiting for you to talk with him. But you don't want any explanation. You understood why he was leaving in the middle of the night, thinking that you were sleeping. And you don't want to think about the fact that he has been cheating you. But if it's not, what else?

To: angelito 👼🏻

“I'm still alive to my misfortune”

Leaving the phone away, you try to get up stretching your whole anatomy after putting your feet on the warmth floor because of the sun going through the window. Walking straight to the bathroom and after having another drink from the mug, you place it over the marble sink to take off your pajamas, which is basically an old Angel's shirt, you get into the shower. The hot water wets down your hair and your anatomy, rubbing your face to get rid of the rheums and gargling to clean your throat from the taste of beer and cigars courtesy of last night. When your mane is already washed, and your body too, you step out from the shower wrapped in a soft blue towel covering from your chest to your knees.

From: angelito 👼🏻

“Drink the coffee, take the painkiller and come to the clubhouse. Prez wanna talk with you”.

To: angelito 👼🏻

“Is your brother there?”

From: angelito 👼🏻

“In Yuma till tonight”.

Sighing heavily, you nod at the last message walking back to his room to get dressed. For a moment you thought that he was in the building hallway waiting again for you to talk with him. But you're starting to see ghosts in a house that it's not haunted. When you're ready, picking your basic stuff around the house, like the keys of your car and your wallet, to keep them inside your bag; you leave the Reyes house. Unlocking the black Camaro, you find a note stuck in the front windshield. ‘I love you. I'm so sorry’. Crumpling it into a ball, you throw it to the ground without giving it more importance than it already has.

Driving your way to the clubhouse, your phone rings on the codriver seat, flashing EZ's name on the screen. And you're about to throw it too by the window, when you have to stop your car dead some inches away to not run Creeper over, at the entrance of the scrapping.

“Shit, mami!”

“Sorry, Crep'!” You say, sticking your head out of the car for a moment.

Biting your bottom lip, dying of shame, you continue by the gravel road to the front yard. Parking close to the motorcycles, Angel receives you between his strong arms, as soon as you step out of the Camaro.

“Gotcha!” He screams with a singing voice, lifting you up some seconds, squeezing you under his grip and making you laugh.

“Stop! You're gonna break me!”

“Yeah, sure… 'cause you're soft and fluffy, aren't you?” He jokes pocking the tip of your nose, before placing an arm on your shoulders.

“What does Bishop want?”

“You will see, (Y/N)”. He smirks at you, bringing you to the inside of the clubhouse. “He's in the Templo”.

Greeting the other members and grabbing another cup of coffee, you take off the sunglasses that cover the black bags under your eyes coming into it. Closing the sliding door, El Presidente gets up from his chair to hug you with an arm on your back.

“Sit down, querida”.

You have been all day thinking about the thing you want EZ to explain to you, making a whole speech in your head that you know you're going to forget when you see him again. Yes, you still be raged and bereaved, but you can't erase all at once a year of relationship, and a life of friendship. Your hands tremble over the steer wheel, clinging your fingers around it when you drive through the scrapping again when the night has fallen down above Santo Padre. Soon, you find him sitting on the porch waiting for you, after his brothers told him that you wanted to talk. Licking your bottom lip and breathing by your nose, you leave the car parked close to the motorbikes, getting out of it with dubious steps and your hands keeped in the back pockets of your jeans. Ezekiel smiles with a saddened aura wrapping him, noticing that the shine you used to have in your eyes now is gone. Standing up on his feet, you follow him to the roulotte, where everything happens. And even if you would like to have this conversation in another place, you know it's going to help you because of all the memories you have built there. This place is going to keep you in the real world.

Opening the door, the younger Reyes lets you come in first, closing it behind his back in the meantime you sit at the table. Your hands are intertwined in a first over the wood, with your gaze fixed on them, until he has a seat in front of you. Emboldening, you look at him.

“Those… three or four times you left past midnight, you went to see her?”

He nods.

“Yes”.

Licking your incisors with the tip of your tongue, you tour your lower lip with it. You already knew it. But it's painful hearing him confirming it to you.

“Did you f—”.

“No”. He just says, interrupting you with his eyes constantly on yours. No doubts, no trembling tone of voice. “I would never touch her. I would never touch any woman that it's not you”.

“Well, you were ‘actually’ touching her”. You laugh with a bitter and sarcastic laughter, resting your back against the sofa watching him snort. “Why? Why did you lie to me?”

“I couldn't tell you anything until being sure”.

“Being sure about what, Ezekiel? Fuck off with your secrets!” You bark hitting the table with the palm of your hand.

“Until being sure of who killed my mother... and who hired him”.

Placing both forearms on the table, frowning confused and your mouth slightly opened, you try to say something. Stuttering nonsense words. Now, in part, you feel like shit. You don't care anymore why he didn't tell you but the fact he has been through this alone. Rubbing your face with both hands and pulling back your hair from the roots to flood them onto your nape, you snort.

“Angel knows it?”

“No”.

“And… why Emily? What does she have to do with all this?”

“Jose Galindo hired a hitman to kill my parents”. EZ briefly explains, keeping his gaze on yours at all times. “Pops worked for him, but when he met my mom and got pregnant of Angel, he left the Cartel and ran away. I don't know if he… did it because he thought that pops could speak with the DEA or… I don't know… I don't know yet”.

“Do you… know the name of the… man who shot your mother?” Ez told you that he saw his face, but it wasn't enough to find him. He just nods, freezing your blood.

And you know it's the exact and perfect moment to drop your condition on the table.

“I want you to leave the club”.

The youngest Reyes twists his neck confused, because he wasn't expecting these words and you're talking pretty serious.

“If you want me to come back, I want you to leave the club. I want you away from Emily, from the Cartel, from all this shit. I'm not gonna live as your mother did. I love you, but this life is not for me, Ezekiel”.

“You can't ask m—”.

“Yes, I can. And I'm doing it. I've been with you for the last eight years. Unconditionally. Always by your side. But I can't. I can't anymore”. You sentence about to cry, gesticulating with one hand to cut the air between both. “I'm leaving Santo Padre tomorrow. You have until noon”.

You're hating Bishop right now more than you thought you could ever hate someone in your life. But that man is wise like a damn rat. And sometimes, he knows you better than yourself. Even so, you're fucking up EZ so bad that he's about to break into pieces when he watches you getting up from the sofa. A lot of bullshit dances in your head. His mother's murderer, Emily trying to get him closer, Angel living happily in his ignorance. You're sure that your brain is going to explode from one moment to another, when a strong and firm hand grabs your left wrist. Bowing down your orbs to the fingers clinged around your skin, you raise up your gaze to the man with his eyes filled with tears.

“I cho—choose you over everything”. He says with a broken thread of voice, shaking like a scared kid, slowly pulling you closer.

Surprised and stunned, you let him sit you on his lap. Sinking his face in your neck, he finally lets go of all those things that were oppressing his heart, turning them into tears. His tensed arms surrounding your waist, making you know that he doesn't want you to go.

“Isn't it enough to asking him to do it?”

“Querida, words will always be words. And words are gone with the wind”.

“I'm gonna destroy him”.

“Didn't he do it first? I want his kutte on my table”.

Doubting, you bring your hands to the back of his head. As soon as he feels your touch again, his cry gets louder staining your shirt holding you stronger. EZ is trying to ask you to stay, to tell you that he's going to do whatever you ask him for, but his voice is so low that you can't hear him well. Your fingers caress his scalp slowly, from his nape to the top of his head, resting your cheek on it.

Ezekiel takes one last look at the leather kutte exposed over the table of the roulotte. Since he came out of jail, the only two reasons he have had to continue his life have been you and this piece of clothes. They're his family. They love him. He enjoys the shit he does in some kind of way, but he can't imagine a life without you. For him it's going to be easy to find a job, start from zero in another city, another country. He knows it well. But he's going to miss riding his bike as much as he has done until now.

Taking the kutte and cleaning his tears, EZ has a deep breath before stepping out of the trailer, guiding his steps through the alley towards the clubhouse. Every member of his charter is sitting at the table inside the templo, without understanding what's happening when they watch him coming in with the vest in a hand. No one, except Bishop and Angel. He's devastated, having his heart divided in two. One of them falling into pieces. But that feeling is taken to the background because of the confusion that tours through his body, when he finds you there too behind Bishop's chair, resting your back on the dark wall.

“I just… want to thank you for… welcoming me here, as one more of you. For letting me be part of this family, but…” Ezekiel leaves the kutte over the table with trembling fingers, running his hands through the fabric to wipe out some small wrinkles. “I leave the club”.

“What?” “Brother, the fuck?” “Bishop, what is that?”

All the members talk in unison, while Angel looks at his brother in silence. Actually, he's feeling proud of what he is doing. Yes, he's leaving the club. But Ezekiel is showing that he cares about his family, more than anything.

“I don't know if I have to do… something before… leaving”. He says then, clearing his throat and tangling his hands behind his back.

“Wear that fucking kutte and place the boxes of beers that came this morning”. Bishop just says, while you take some steps to put your hands on his shoulders. “See? I told you, kid”.

“Listen, querida, I would leave the club too if you asked me to do it. You're the kind of person that could put out the flames of hell”.

“But… I don't want him to do it”.

“He will do it, if he loves you. If he truly considers you his family. We're always with this shit about ‘club goes first’, but that's not true. Blood. Blood goes first. No matter how bad your true family treated you, it's in our DNA. I will not let him go, it's just a test. And if he chooses the club over you, I'll fuck him up”.

“If you cross a single world, again, with Galindo's wife, listen to me, Ezekiel”. El Presidente gets up from his chair, placing one hand over the table to use the other to point at him. “I will cut your body into pieces, keeping you alive all the time possible, to spread it all over the desert. Don't play dumb, prospect, I am not kidding”.

The crew are still confused, but they know that as soon as you leave the Templo, Angel will explain to them what was the conversation between Bishop and you.

“And about you, querida”. The man turns a little, twisting his neck. “Look where you drive by. Creeper was shot some months ago, don't run him over too”.

“Yeah! Exactly! I'm fucking fragile, mami”.

“Like a Fabergé's egg”. You say rolling your eyes.

“If you say that because of what I'm thinking… I'm not bald, I like to shave my head”. He replies making fun of you, watching how you walk closer to EZ.

“Oh, c'mon! Isn't that bad to be bald, Creeper. You save money on shampoo”.

The laughs flood the Templo, in the meantime that you grab the kutte to help a confused EZ to put it on.

“Let's go, prospect, you have work to do”. Palming his shoulders, you accompany him to the bar, after closing the glass door.

“I… I… Wha—What hap…” Your boyfriend isn't able to form a sentence, rubbing his face with both hands. “Did you… Did he…?”

“We did” You reply, crossing the bar to grab some beers. Opening both, you offer him one. “I didn't want to reach the extreme of watching you hand over the kutte, but Bishop wanted to push you to your limits”.

“But, then… What happens with us? Are you leaving? Are you leaving Santo Padre? I did what you ask me to, you ca—”.

“Sometimes, I really think that you're not this… smart as you used to, Ezekiel”. Drinking from your bottle, you shake your head with a fleeting smile. “It was just a test, EZ. I'm not going anywhere. Bishop had the… brilliant idea of makes you proof me your love over the club”.

“So… You're staying?”

“I'm ready to punch you in the face, if you ask me again”.

Leaving his beer away over a table, he takes three big steps towards you, clinging his arms around your body. For a second you're sure that you're running out of air, before he starts to kiss your face all over it. He was truly fucked, and now is when you're seeing it. Surrounding his back with your arms, you push him closer to you, shortening all the possible distance between both.

“I promise I'll not keep any other secret from you. Never. I swear to my mom, baby. There's no one in this life over you, over what I feel for you”. Ezekiel assures you, sinking his face in the space between his forearm and your neck. “I love you. You're gonna see it every fucking day, mi amor”.

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[chibisquirt]

You don't have to answer, but if you wouldn't mind. What are some things you've learned about ADHD from Tumblr that are applicable to you, or others you may now? I've been reading more on it and how it manifests in girls/women and was curious when I read your rb on that post about Grammarly

I don’t mind at all!  Fair warning:  this is gonna be LONG.

I’m going to start by repeating something I mentioned in that post:  I was diagnosed in third grade, which was over two decades ago.  I had my diagnosis halfway through elementary school, much less high school and two rounds of college.  So a lot of the old information about ADHD I learned as a young person, and those things are worth exploring, too.  

Example:  It’s not that I’m not listening, Mrs. Nock, it’s just that if I try to keep my hands still, then the only thing I will retain from the lesson will be keep your hands still and not the things you trying to teach, which are supposedly important! 

(Mrs. Nock was the one who said to me, “I believe you believe you’re paying attention.”  Yes, it’s been fifteen years.  Yes, I’m still mad.  If you can’t have basic respect for your students, don’t teach.)

I figured out half on my own, half because of the counselling that if I had a fidget tool that didn’t require words I would pay better attention than if I tried to sit still.  (I still remember being mocked by my dad for fidgeting well after making that discovery, though.  Apparently diagnoses should only inform compassion when they’re his.)  On the same lines, I also figured out that music in the background wouldn’t work for me if it had words, and television is too distracting for me to use at all.  (I have a friend, though, whose ADHD works the opposite way:  he has difficulty focusing if there isn’t a television in the background.  Yes, both are valid.)

So, the Classics:  

I always had trouble with organization and cleaning, had trouble with schedules and calendars and managing my time.  Those are the things they’ll warn you about, the things they’ll tell you in counselling are natural and normal things for people with ADHD to have trouble with.  Trouble paying attention, sure.  Trouble sitting still.  Procrastination.  Got it.

But if you turn those traits around and re-frame them, they become a new set of symptoms.  Adaptations for these new symptoms are more personal and universally applicable in my life, and therefore, to my mind, more useful.

Take Procrastination.  (No really: please take it.)  That just means “putting it off until tomorrow,” and there are lots of reasons to do it:  “don’t have the tool I need” is one of the biggies, “want to conserve steps” trips me up a lot, “I still have time to get to it” is HUGE for me...  But a lot of times, these are just superficial reasons.  The re-framed symptom is, Trouble making yourself do things you don’t want to do.  

ADHD is an executive function disorder.  That’s a phrase I first learned on Tumblr, by the way; it may have been mentioned by one of my earlier counsellors, but it definitely wasn’t taught.  

This is why soooo many of us have struggled with the perception (including self-perception) that we’re lazy!  But no one tells the kid in the wheelchair he’s just lazy for not playing basketball.  (Okay, they totally do.  People are terrible.  Ignore that, stick to the point.)  I reframe this the way I do because acknowledging this as a symptom, taking the blame out of it, makes it easier to find adaptation.

Now, this is a personal post.  YMMV.  But I have an easier time managing my conduct if, instead of calling myself lazy a procrastinator, I say, “I keep not doing that --> oh it’s because I Don’t Wanna --> how can I con myself into doing it?”  (Strategies include bargaining, making it easier, powering through but then allowing yourself to stop afterwards, just acknowledging that I Don’t Wanna and allowing that to be valid...)  Procrastination is an action, but “executive function disorder” is a disease and “I Don’t Wanna” is its trigger, just as much as an allergy and a clump of ragweed are.  “Procrastination” is a powerful sphynx against which I’m helpless, but “I Don’t Wanna Disease” lets me start cultivating my metaphorical catnip and researching the answers to common riddles.

And while we’re talking about procrastination--and trouble with deadlines, and schedules in general--let’s talk about Time Insensitivity.  Missed deadlines and perpetual lateness (perpetual) are external actions, just like procrastination, and they can have all sorts of explanations.  

(Shoutout to Mrs. Pollack, who looked around a classroom containing thirteen-year-old me, and, knowing full well that I was chronically tardy, declared that “anybody who’s always running late, deep down, they just doesn’t care about anybody else’s time.”  Great job with calling the thirteen-year-old a heartless bitch, Mrs. Pollack!  As you can tell, I definitely forgot it very quickly, and didn’t at all have a self-critical breakdown about it, periodically revisiting the question of my own inherent selfishness for years!!!)

But ignoring the external actions, let’s take a compassionate look inside the head again.  Executive function includes regulation of, and awareness of the passing of, time.  Again: you can’t play the basketball with no legs.  We literally do not realize what time is doing.  Sometimes we do--if we devote enough of our attention to it, which may be a large amount for some, a small amount for others, or a variable amount for the same person.  But our brains literally don’t process it the same way.  

But hold on a minute--let’s go back to that analogy.  Because actually, people with no legs can play basketball!  It’s just that you have to use the adaptation of wheelchairs to do it--and that’s an adaptation for the game and for the players.  

I use alarms.  I’ve recently seen a post about audio memos as alarms.  There are people who just slap clocks everywhere.  When I was forced to work in a kitchen with no clocks, I used the multi-setting timer and set it for like four hours so I would know if I was keeping on schedule.  I also chose a job environment where much of my shift is the same as itself, and rigid punctuality isn’t enforced--that’s adapting my environment, instead of myself.  There’s all kinds of adaptations.  But you have to know you have the condition before you can compensate for it.

Here’s a fun little story:  when I was... oh, eleven?  Twelve?  My Quaker Meeting’s youth group (#7 whitest phrase I’ve ever written) went to the museum together.  One of the stops was in the children’s section, there was a... a pegboard, I think?  With some kind of problem on it.  A puzzle.  Me and a couple others sat down at it, and it took me a while, but eventually I solved it, and I looked up.  

I blinked.  “Where is everybody?” I said.

“They left,” said my mom.  “Half an hour ago.”  

I was stunned.  “Half an hour ago?!  But I couldn’t’ve spent more than ten minutes on this!”

“I promise you, it was half an hour.”

“Why didn’t you call me??  Why didn’t you say my name?”

“We did.  Several times.”

To this day, I will swear myself blind that I never heard a thing.

Hyperfocusing.  They’ll tell you about the problems focusing; oh yes.  They’ll tell you allll about that one.  But they won’t tell you about the flip side of it.  They won’t tell you about the times when the rest of the world falls away, and the only two things in the world are you and whatever problem you’re trying to solve.  

D’y’know what, I bet that’s the reason I test well.  I just realized this now, phrasing it like that, but--I’ve always tested well, even when my actual practical applications of things are mediocre I do well with the classroom testing on it.  I scored a 39 on the MCAT, back when it was out of 45 and not whatever it is now.  (To those with the plain good sense not to want to be doctors:  that’s pretty good.)  And I just bet it’s because, once I get focused on solving the problems, the other problems--nerves, intrusive thoughts, anxiety--just don’t have room to get in.  Hyperfocusing can be a superpower, if you can harness it.  

But it can also blind you to everything else.  And it works in smaller ways, too:  once I think I understand something, it is very difficult for me to perceive information that contradicts that understanding.  I still get the map of the Elflands backwards every time I read The Goblin Emperor, just because I pictured it one way, and every indication in the text that it was the other way just fell on deaf ears.  

And this one leads right into the next, which is Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.  RSD is hyperfocus, but it’s hyperfocus on how everyone must hate you.  It’s delightful!  I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as well, and I do have both of those things, but for my money, I think that this one symptom of ADHD--which no doctor has ever even mentioned to me--has hurt me more than both of those conditions combined.  

The last one I’m going to bring up is Auditory Processing Disorder.  Now, I’ve gone and gotten re-diagnosed twice in my life, and the last time was just a few years ago, so they actually used this one in the test.  The psychologist told me about it, she just didn’t use the phrase Auditory Processing Disorder, and she didn’t tell me that it was its own symptom--she just used it for the test.  

What she did was, she gave me two hearing tests, one to test whether or not I could hear, and then the other a list of words that all sounded alike, and I had to mark which one I was hearing.  The second part of that was very long, and very boring, and despite scoring perfectly on the first test, I got several wrong on the second.  I was actually surprised by that; I at no point suspected I had heard any of them wrong.  When she gave me the test, told me this was proof by contradiction, that we were ruling out hearing loss as an alternative explanation for my difficulties.  It was only after the test was done that she explained that the pattern I showed was actually part of the diagnosis of ADHD; that we get bored, and stop really paying attention, and that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

...Okay, but you couldn’t have mentioned the part where I also do that every day in real life, lady?!?!  It’s not just when we’re bored, it’s not just for long processes.  I do this all the time.  I actually tell people now that “I actually have a neurological condition that makes it hard for me to hear; I can tell that you’re speaking, but I can’t tell what you’re saying.”  

This is 100% true.  It is a neurological condition.  

We label this a condition, but as a society, we don’t treat it that way.  Society treats it as yet another excuse.  It’s not.  You’re not lazy, stupid or crazy.  Neither am I.  

I have a condition.  Acknowledging that is the first step of treatment.  Not five thousand sticky notes, not binders or filing systems or even taking all the doors off the cupboards (although I definitely plan to do that one as soon as I possibly can).  Not counselling sessions with so many different people I can’t even name them all, for the love of god please understand that you can’t just fix it with pills.  

(Although mad props to the people who thought Concerta would magically solve me at the age of nine!  Spoiler alert:  it did not do that!  But it did mean that my parents felt comfortable blaming me for all my failures again, so it did at least some of what it was designed for, I guess. :) )   

I have spent the last few years re-understanding my ADHD it as is:  a neurological condition, a disability, and a simple fact of life.  A starting place, instead of yet more proof of my own inherent insufficiency.  And you know what?  When you take the blame and self-hatred out of the diagnosis--when you stop cursing it as the cause of all your problems and start trying to work with it, instead--it gets a lot easier to manage. 

[dingobabywrites]

 so, in light of recent events, people have been discussing when they think Dean and Cas realized that they were in love with each other. While I 100% believe dean realized in purgatory, I dont think Castiel realized until Dean broke Naomi's connection.

BUT!!!!

I also think that is around the same time Sam realized it too. Obviously Charlie already knew ( " what about Castiel, he seems helpful and..Dreamy" she's a lesbian. That comment wasn't for Her!") I think Charlie was the one to point it out to sam and I think the two of them agreed to keep it to themselves since neither of those two would have been able to handle that information. So, I wrote a little thing about how I think it went down.

I also wanted to give myself an explanation for those wierd looks and mystery note from the end of the episode...so yeah...here's that.

Sam hobbled down the hall to the guest room, his hand still throbbing from knocking Dean unconcious . It was…worrisome, to say the least, that he was having this much trouble with healing from such a minor injury, not to mention the other things that were happening to his body; the fatigue, coughing up blood. Troubling, but, as much as he hated to admit it, worth it. Dean had been pissing him off more than usual lately anyway. It wasn't just the trials. Sure, he was frustrated with Dean for thinking he wasn't strong enough to handle them (he had fought against Lucifer in his own mind for christ's sake) but it was everything else too. His loyalty to Benny still didn't sit right with him. He had been so quick to kill Amy, just because she was a monster. He didn't care that she was just feeding her kid. She was just a monster to him. But for some reason, Benny got a pass. Sure, the guy saved both their asses, he was grateful for that, but even Bobby knew it was wrong.

And then there was Cas.

 

Sam wanted nothing more, than to tell Dean that he should have learned his lesson the first time with the Angel. It wasn't like he didn't like Castiel. Of course he did. He was appreciative of everything the guy had done for them. Dean was right that he had saved their asses more than once. It was just….at the end of the day, whether they liked him or not, Castiel had betrayed them. He understood that perfectly. What he couldn't understand, was why dean was so suprised by him doing it again. Hell, Dean had been the one to bring up that fact that the guy wasn't acting right since he got back and yet, there he was, praying to him, putting his trust in him again. It was maddening, to say the least. He had tried to talk to his brother about it, but Dean immediately shut down.

So, yeah, his hand was still hurting, but it was damn worth it.

He turned the corner to find Charlie stuffing her things into her duffle. He knocked on the door frame with his uninjured hand. "Hey, there."

"Sam." She half smiled, when she turned around, her eyes still a little bleary from crying. "Hi, I'm just…just packing up to head out and…" she sniffled and plopped down on the bed, covering her face as she began crying anew.

Sam walked into the room and pulled up the desk chair, sitting down in front of her. "Dean told me what happened, while you two were under." He said. "I am so sorry about your mom, Charlie." He placed his hand on her shoulder as she began crying harder. "I know how hard it is to let go like that…"

"Dean was right," she sniffed. "I needed to stop holding on."

Sam let out a bitter scoff and pulled his hand back, squeezing both hands between his legs. "Yeah, Dean's always right, isn't he? Too bad he can't follow his own advice."

Charlie looked up, her eyes sad and confused. "Holding on to my mom was the reason I was stuck there. If he hadn't made me let go, I would have died.we both would have."

Sam shook his head at himself, trying his damndest to let go of his own bitterness to be there for his friend. "Ya, I know. I'm sorry…just…I know you're hurting right now, I just want you to know I'm here for you."

Charlie sniffed again, wiping her arm across her face to dry it before leaning back and staring at Sam. "I don't get it." She said, as firmly as possible.

Sam, leaned back and shrugged. "Me neither, really. I always thought all djinn fed off happiness. It's like every time we figure stuff out, something new comes along to throw us off our game."

"Not that." Charlie said, waving his statement off. Sam looked at her, confused, not sure what she was referring to. She took a breath and pulled a book out of her duffle throwing it on Sam's lap. 'Mystery Spot' By Carver Edlund. "You say these books happened in real life. That everything written in them actually went down…but the past two times I've been around you guys…you certainly dont act like you do in the books."

Sam skimmed the first page of the book and chuckled, tossing it back on the bed next to Charlie. "Yeah, well, things have just been different, I guess."

"So, you used to love and support each other, no matter what and now you just, what? Stopped?" She asked.

"It's…" Sam scoffed and shook his head. "things are just, more complicated now…"

"You maybe, wanna elaborate there buddy?" She asked. "I may be a genius, but a mind reader, I am not."

Sam let out a breath and scrubbed a hand through his hair. He figured it might feel better to at least get something off his chest. "To be honest Charlie, I dont think Dean is cut out for the job anymore."

"Why not?"

"His judgment, for one thing." Sam answered. "I don't know, just ever since he got back from purgatory… he's been…it's like he can't think straight anymore. He used to be no nonsense when it came to killing monsters and only trusting people he knew he could trust and now… I mean, I get it. Purgatory was rough on him, but the guy has literally been to Hell and back. I don't see why this time is any different."

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked softly.

"I mean like, being friends with a freaking vamp." Sam answered, coldly. "Yeah, Benny wasn't like the others, and I get the whole 'brother's in arms' aspect, but it still doesn't make sense." He waved his hand, gesturing back at the book before letting it drop. "That Dean? That Dean would have never put his trust in a monster. That Dean wouldn't let people back into his life that had screwed him over, and now…I don't know, now it's like he just doesn't care about letting people in that who could hurt him, or…people who already have."

"So, it's not just about the vampire." Charlie said. "Who else has Dean been trusting that you don't think he should?"

Sam gritted his teeth and shook his head. "Cas really messed him up Charlie. I mean, the guy already turned his back on us once and Dean just let him back into our lives like nothing even happened."

"Ah." Charlie said, with complete understanding. "Okay, I get it now."

"Get what?" Sam asked.

"I get why Dean has been acting wierd, duh." She said, like it was obvious. Sam sat, staring at her, trying to peice together what puzzle she seemed to have completed. "Oh, my God. Do you really not see it?" Charlie laughed.

"Um, no?" Sam said, skeptically.

"Wow," she scoffed. "And here I thought you were the observant one." Sam waited for her to explain herself, still utterly lost on what she was talking about. "It's Castiel." She said, speaking to him as if he were a child.

"What about him?" Sam asked, hoping like hell that she wasn't talking about the angel brainwashing his brother or something.

"I've read the books, Sam." She said. "I know all about Dean's special Angel friend."

"No." Sam shook his head. "No, chuck stopped writing after Dean went to hell. There's no way you could have a read anything about Cas."

Charlie scrunched her face and bobbed her head back and forth. "Mmmm, not exactly." She reached into her bag and pulled put her laptop, turning it on. "Remember how I said the books were online now?" Sam nodded waiting for her to continue. "Okay, dont get mad," she said as she typed "but, he may have kept writing a little bit longer than you thought…."

"He what?!" Sam said, furious. They had told that dick to knock it off after that stupid convention."How long?"

"Relax." She said, scrolling through some page on her screen. "He stopped after you sacrifice yourself to Hell, actually. It was beautifully written by the way, super emotional, but no one has seen or heard from him since."

'Good!' Sam thought to himself. He felt a little bad for that thought, since Kevin was now the prophet it meant that the reason no one had heard from Chuck was likely because he was dead, but at least no one else could know more about their lives than they already did. "Okay, but what does any of this have to do with Dean? Why would Cas be the reason he's acting wierd?"

Charlie sighed, cringing to her self a little. "Well, as you already know, where there's a fandom, there's most likely fanfiction…"

"I'm aware." Sam said, peeved by the memory of stumbling upon the fanfiction written about him and Dean.

"Look, I'm not saying anything is definite, but alot of people who write fanfiction are really good at reading between the lines." She clicked her mouse a few times before closing her laptop and setting it back in her bag. "I mean, I've read all the books myself, and I totally know that you guys are real people and not some fictional characters, and it's completely not okay to speculate on your lives and feelings or whatever...but I mean, it's kinda hard not to see where they're all coming from."

"What are you talking about, Charlie?"

"Dean said that Benny helped him fight through purgatory, right?" She said. "He met him pretty early on in his time there, no?"

"Yeah," Sam said, still completely bemused, "I guess…Dean hasn't really talked a lot about what happened while he was there. He told me some things, but he never really went into detail."

Charlie nodded and shrugged sheepishly before continuing. "Okay, so he met Benny early on, and Benny told him he had a way to get back, right off the bat. So, why did it take them so long to get out of there?"

"Dean said he spent alot of his time searching for Cas." Sam answered.

"Exactly!" She exclaimed, like that should have been the answer.

"I'm sorry Charlie, I still don't understand what you're getting at here."

"Sam, he could've come back at any point after meeting Benny. They only spent as much time as they did together, because Dean wanted to bring Castiel back with him. Even after everything he did. Don't you think that's a little…suspicious?"

"That's exactly what I've been saying!" Sam said. "Why would he do that?!"

"Yeah, Sam, why?" She said, still trying to lead him. "Why would someone run back into a fire, when they have a way out? I mean, I think you, of all people, would know the answer to that."

Sam gaped at her in shock. It took a minute for him to register what she was implying, but once he did… "Charlie, that's…"

"Just a thought!" She defended before he finished. "I'm just saying that Dean doesn't normally put his trust in people. Except, maybe…the people he REALLY cares about and the people that protect them. Maybe there's more to the story when it comes to his trust in Benny than you thought. I definitely feel like there's more when it comes to Castiel."

"Charlie, come on." Sam laughed a little. " You know Dean. He's…"

"More complicated than people give him credit for." Charlie cut him off. "He also knows how hard it is to let go of the people he loves. He's actually really bad at it. Maybe, worse than you know."

"Charlie," Sam started, before being cut off once more.

"He's definitely more concerned about you than you think." Charlie said firmly, standing up as she did. She began packing once more, keeping her eyes averted from Sam's. "He's not trying to control you, you know. He raised you, Sam. You mean alot to him. You ever think for a moment that he's just really scared for you? Scared of losing you? I mean, back to my point, he is really bad at losing people."

Sam sat in silence, petulantly mulling over Charlie's words. She was right, probably. Dean may have been scared, but it was still possible that he just couldn't hack the life anymore. Sam wasn't some child. And the other stuff she was saying…she was way off base. There was a big difference between reading about someone's and living it.

"I sent you the link to the website I used to read the books." Charlie said as she zipped up her bags. She slung her backpack over her shoulder crossing her arms as she stared him down. "I know you lived through it all and everything, but not every part was about you. There's a few things you may have missed."

"Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen." Sam shook his head.

"Just a suggestion." She shrugged. "It might open your eyes to a few things you don't understand. I get not wanting to relive those times but…if you ever decide that's something you might wanna do, hit me up. I can tell you what chapters to skip, or whatever. And, if your really curious about Dean's relationship to Castiel, 'On the Head of a Pin' is a good place to start. The torture chapters are pretty rough, and I know you'll want to skip over your parts…but the other stuff.…" she shrugged.

"Okay." He said, at a loss for more words than that.

"You ready to roll?" Dean said, from the doorway, knocking on the door frame before entering the room.

"Looks, like it." Charlie smiled up at him as he entered.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I?" Dean asked looking between her and Sam with concern written all over his face. "You guys look a little spooked."

"Ew, gross, no." Charlie said, scrunching her face at Dean's implications. "Sam, was just helping me with my bags. Right Sam?"

"Uh, yeah…" Sam said, standing up and grabbing her duffle off the bed.

"Eh, come on, you know I'm just teasin ya!" Dean chuckled, jabbing her on the shoulder playfully. "He may have the hair, but the body parts are all wrong, right?"

"Definitely." Charlie agreed.

"Come on." Dean said, tilting his head toward the door. He waited for Charlie to leave the room, then cast a skeptical glance at Sam before following after. Sam was sure he was in for an earful after she left. He began dreading it as he said his goodbyes, anticipating the lecture as he told Charlie she was welcome to comeback at anytime. But it wasn't the only thing on his mind now. After bidding Charlie farewell, he went inside, giving the two of them their time alone. He hesitated for a moment, convinced that the trials were seriously messing with his head if he was even considering this. Then again…

He headed to the library, grabbing a peice of paper and a pen on his way and sat down. 'This is just stupid.' He thought to himself as he wrote down the words 'On the Head of a Pin'. He heard the bunker door open. Dean walked up, the look on his face telling Sam that it was time for his ass- chewing, so he decided to cut it off before it could start.

He clicked the pen closed and stood up, ready to defend his actions. "Okay, look you were right. I-I should laid low. I-I know." He said as Dean approached him."I should have hung back. I'm glad I was able.."

Then Dean grabbed him. Then Dean pulled him into a hug. It wasn't at all what he was expecting. He was lost, but relieved and hugged his brother back.

Dean chuckled and patted his back before pulling away. "What do you say we find our prophet?." Dean smiled, before smaking him in the chest and walking away.

Sam was left to himself, completely bewildered by what had just occurred. Dean had certainly not been acting like himself, but this was a whole new level. Maybe there was some truth to Charlie's words? Maybe he really was just scared? Maybe Sam really didn't know everything about his brother. Now, wasn't the time to think about that, though. Dean was right, the had to look for Kevin. They had work to do. Research.

But Dean had to sleep at some point. Maybe Sam could do a little light reading in that time.

If Charlie was right about Dean being scared for him, who knew what else she was right about?

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

16 - Is This A Good Idea

This chapters songs:

These Days - The Wallows

Stay away (it's like that) - TV Girl

Verbatim - Mother Mother

- Y. L. Perspective

It was Monday once again, and I was sitting down at the freakishly clean lunch table, where I nervously waited for my friends' long-awaited responses. "So? Do you guys wanna...say something?"

Everybody sat with their eyes wide, surprised at my explanation of how the other night came to be.

"You're telling me...that...you and Sugawara..were a thing this whole time?!" Giki slams her palms onto the table, catching the attention of a few people around us. "AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL US...?!"

Toruku puts his finger over her mouth, still keeping his eyes on me. I wasn't very confident that my friends would understand that Koushi and I had loved each other for quite a while. But I had to tell them sooner or later. And before anything is official between us, I'd like to tell them. They're my family, after all.

"Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?" Hikishi curls his brows, fishing out some rice on his chopsticks, and shoving it into his mouth. "Damn, I knew something was going on between you guys!"

Giki slaps Toruku's finger away, rolling her eyes. She twirls her short black hair in her fingers, still curious about my relationship with a boy they had only met a few times. "I thought that you said you were just friends? Not that I'm against it.. but.. how come you didn't tell us?"

Toruku chimes in, "Is this why you talk about him so much? Or why you've been so distant recently?" His words make me think back to the many times I had listened to their conversations more than discuss with them anything that happened with me.

"I guess I was just scared you guys would think I'm getting myself into trouble or something. I mean, none of you have got your eye on anyone, right?" I look at the three as they all shake their heads. "Look, we're not a couple or anything. We're just... overthinking things."

I loudly, laying my head down on the table. Truth was, I'd been wondering whether or not being in a relationship with Koushi was a smart idea. All I needed was a chance to go through my options and stop to think. Thankfully, Hikishi taps my head, pulling my attention towards him, Giki, and Toruku.

"Hey, we're still your friends, you know. It doesn't matter who you like, we're always here to talk and give you advice. Besides, we all like Sugawara! He's nice and treats you good," Hikishi says, turning to his friends for reassurance. "Right guys?"

They nod, leaning close towards each other to make a small oddly shaped circle. "Yeah, of course. Now, spill, Y/n! What has been happening ever since the party?"

"Uh, yes. On a walk home, we had both agreed to wait a little bit to figure out our feelings, but it was more so that I could realize mine. It wasn't so bad, though. I had time for myself and to spend some time with the volleyball team. They're loud and crazy, but they're fun. I can't believe they're all so respectful considering they're teenage boys. Anyway, we kept talking casually as two people who liked each other would!" I take a sip of my juice box, taking a deep breath from explaining so much. Still, my friends were all ears, leaning back to hear the frightening love story of Koushi and me. "After Oikawa had seen me at the party, he tried texting me a few days later, saying he wanted to talk. I brushed it off casually as any other person who's been in drama with him would and told him I was busy. But on the day of the practice game, I saw him there! He and Oikawa. Supposedly, they're the two best players on the Aoba Johsai Volleyball team."

"Oh..does that mean you have beef with them not only because of that party and because of volleyball?" Giki asks. By "you guys", she meant Toruku and me.

I nod, slapping my forehead. "Yup. And that's not even the worst part! We have to play in a spring tournament with them, which means seeing them more than what I'm comfortable with. On the day of the game, I bumped into Hajime in the hall. He didn't cause any trouble! He was nice and apologized and everything, surprisingly. I explained how I was there as a manager, not some creepy stalker, and even got to talk a bit about how life's been treating us. As for Oikawa, he didn't say much. He saw that I was at their game as a manager, but never confronted me about it. I'm sure Hajime had enlightened him on how I was a part of the volleyball team. Still, he could have told me something if he claims he wanted to talk so badly! Koushi noticed how I was acting strange when he entered the room and confronted me about it when we got to my house."

Toruku raises a brow, asking, "your house? So he spends the night now?"

"N-no! Well, he's never actually stayed an entire night. He usually just comes over towards night and leaves around two or three in the morning. I think his dad might be strict about him staying out late, so that's probably why he has to sneak back home. Anyway, after I had told him what happened, he understood, and eventually, we began talking about ourselves. God, it felt so good to tell him how I felt. And I know now that I didn't just like Koushi, I was in love with him. He just makes me feel safe and knows me so well. If we weren't separated by an entire school year, I'm sure I would have realized it sooner, but I do love him. A lot, actually. And if I'm being brutally honest, I don't care we only have a year to be together." For a second, I forgot that my friends had opinions of their own and began to blabber on about how much I liked Suga. They all looked as if they were just given a box or issues to solve. "So...do you guys think I should?”

None of them mutter a word and instead trade worried expressions, then look back at me. "Look,

Y/n. I don't think any of us have ever experienced this entire 'love' thing except for you and Toruku, so I don't think that our opinions would help very much. But..we can all agree that you've cheered up ever since you started hanging out with Sugawara. Hell, even your chords have been getting better. We've never seen you so happy before. So if you really love him, then we respect your decision to be with him." Hikishi smiles brightly at me, as Toruku and Giki nod along with his words.

I sigh, very relieved that I had such wonderful friends. They were here for me before I even got to find myself and my talents. How could I doubt that they wouldn't be supportive? It's them, after all. "That amazing, thank you, guys." I smile back, looking down at the poke bowl I'd brought in my bento today. "Now that that's over, we should probably make plans for our schedule. It's been quite some time since we've talked about it."

"Ah, yes!" Giki exclaims, shoving her hands into her school bag and fishing out a large piece of paper. "So, I just got this flyer for a band competition coming up. It's in about a month, so that gives us some time to come up with some ideas for songs and practice."

Each of us passes around the flyer, observing its letters. Although it was written in lazy lettering and small pictures, we knew it wasn't something to brush off. Booking gigs and getting our name out to the public was what we needed. Ever since we had published a small album of some scraps from a few songs we'd written, we've only gotten people from our families, school, and some friends we knew in the industry. And before we would sign with my aunt, she wanted for us to gain a few more supporters and fans to help us get the word out further.

Giki nods, happily drumming her fingers on the table. "Yup! I already signed us up. Since the festival has gotten much more popular, I'm sure there will be a lot of people there!"

"Great, that gives us something to look forward to. Now, for what to choose as the song..." I lean onto my elbow, stared down by my band members. They all raise their brows at me. "...what?"

"Word on the street is that Summer's Amp Fest is looking for more than just what people can cover. They're looking for authenticity. We think it would be best to come up with something of our own, " Toruku explains. Still, I'm confused as to why they look to me for help.

"So..?"

"So... do you wanna come up with some lyrics?" In surprise of Giki's question, I began choking on my salmon. 'Write a song? I hope they only mean words and not notes as well. I've never been asked such a thing from my band.' I think to myself, choking in distress while Hikishi handed me a cup of water.

I down the entire thing, steering the coughing to a halt. And not long after do I ask, "you mean, like, write an entire song?! Look, I'm flattered and all, but I'm not very good!"

"Come on! You're the one who knows their way with words, Y/n! You've written a few others in the past, why not do it now?" Toruku pleads.

"Because it's so stressful! And only in a month? Can we even be prepared by then?!" I yell out. "Besides, what would I even write about? It's not like my life is any more interesting or sad than you guys!"

"Tch, you're in love for Christ's sake! That's what most artists write about! Take a look at TV girl— all they sing are songs about being addicted to cigarettes, sex, and heartbreak. You can do it, Y/n!" Hikishi claps his hands together. "As long as it's impactful and sounds good, then I think we'll be fine."

"Yeah! If you'd like, you can even talk to Suga about it! Maybe he can help too," Giki suggests.

I frown, scared that when the time comes, I'll disappoint my friends. All I've ever written are a few words and such. Almost all our songs are instrumentals with one or two verses. "I don't know, you guys. What if I make something super cringe and bad?"

"Y/n, you've got everything you need to write a full song. All we're asking for is authenticity and emotion. Not much! Look, me and Hikishi will take care of the chords and notes. Giki can get everything prepared for us, and you can write the lyrics! A good song will get us in the spotlight," Toruku explains.

Although I had doubts about my talents, I had hope that I could grow a pair and put in some effort into a song.

"Okay then. It can't be too hard, right?"

-

"Koushi, this is so hard! There's nothing I have in mind!" I whine to him as we walk to the clubrooms. School had just ended and volleyball practice was next on our agenda. Today, the so-called so "guardian" was to come back from some kind of secondary school he attended.

The boy pats my back as I throw my head back. "Don't stress it, Y/n. They said it was around a month away, right? That gives you a lot of time to come up with something. And if you'd like, I can even help you. Though, I'm not sure I'm very good with words," he chuckles, running his hand through his hair.

"Really now? Your little letter says otherwise," I say, turning Koushi's cheeks crimson. As much as I wanted to go further into the playful argument, locker rooms were just up ahead. We departed before continuing.

Before I enter the girls club room, the sound of two girls talking came from inside. 'Whatever. Other sports teams have things to do too, right?' I straightened my skirt, hoping that my being there wouldn't be an issue.

I carefully open the door, peeking my head inside of it. I could only recognize Kiyoko changing into her sweat pants, but not the other girl. Once reassuring that it wasn't a crowd of people, I fully entered, closing the door behind me. "Uh—hello," I utter, awkwardly smiling while walking towards my locker.

The stranger turns quickly, revealing her figure. 'Who is this chick?!' I ask myself. She had straight dirty blonde hair, smooth milky skin the covered her body, and deep green eyes. I was surprised such a beautiful and classy girl was here in a gym locker room.

She looks me up and down, attempting to return the smile. "Oh—hi! You must be the new manager. My name is Eclair, it's nice to meet you!"

-

Vote pls and ty ok bye ily

- estrxlar

[english-breakfast]

I wanna kinda add to this! (Sorry if my explanation doesn't make sense hhh it's hard)

Anyway, Kankri is wasted potential, I agree with your thoughts on the absence of the Dolorosa (Kankri had a lusus, causing him to meet Porrim later on in his life - he never had her guidance throughout it.) But who is also absent in Kankri's world? Psiioniic and The Disciple?

Kankri doesn't have a close relationship with either of these characters (in fact it's shown he has a dislike for Mituna specifically).

According to the HS wiki (reliable source ik), the main people in Kankri's life is Porrim (met later on), Latula, Cronus, and Mituna (in a negative light).

The Signless' main connections were The Dolorosa (from the beginning), The Disciple, and The Psiioniic (in a positive light).

The shift of characters close to them is significant - especially when it comes to how they view them! For example, Kankri finds Porrim 'bothersome' for acting like his lusus. He also doesn't particularly favour Mituna, he backhandedly insults him while trying to defend him (aka. there's no deeper connection with those two characters).

Then on the other hand, Signless would view The Dolorosa with respect for raising him. He would also be friends with The Psiioniic - hell, maybe even brother like. He had the Psiioniic to level his viewpoint, while Kankri did not.

I think it shows that the people he is surrounded by, and what point in the timeline they meet him, change his total view. Kankri, when he eventually meets Porrim, has a mindset not easily broken - even worse when he does eventually meet Mituna. It's the change of environment, the change of the timeline, that makes Kankri who he displays himself as today.

It's the same for characters like Meulin! With the shift of the timeline and environment, it prevents her from meeting Kankri and going off with Kurloz instead (there's a lot more I could say about this especially concerning The grand highblood but I don't think my thought process would make sense written down).

It's very interesting, I love analyzing things like this. I've always wanted to share this idea so thank you! It makes sense in my head but written down I'm not sure.

If I got anything about this wrong feel free to correct me!

Guys I finally figured out why Kankri has so much wasted potential (especially when compared to the Signless)

He never had a Dolorosa in his life

Think about it. Signless was culled on Alternia so it only makes since that the same would hold true for Kankri on Beforus. We can assume that Porrim wasn’t his culler, if only because she’s literally the same age as him and too young

The Dolorosa literally taught Signless everything he knows (aside from what he learned from his visions). She supported him in the revolution and did so until the very end

Kankri shows us exactly what Signless would have been without Rosa

(Personally I have a theory that it could also represent the negative affects the foster system can have on many kids, but we don’t have time to unpack all of that)