#I've got a bad habit of drawing without references

[miserable-something]

Sabo screenshot redraws, I'm trying to figure him (and his hat) out

I need to gnaw on his bones and suck on his marrow

[gamebunny-advance]

NSR + OCs Doodle Dumps

Some bad sketches from before *that* happened.

Notes under the cut.

Puella Mayday: Mayday dressed as Madoka Kaname + Kliffby. Just a silly doodle. Don't expect anymore characters in the crossover.

UPA B2J: The pose is based on some official keyart (I think it's the boxart). I wanted to finish this, but I'm just not feeling it anymore.

E.G. Sketch: I couldn't remember what he looked like, so I tried to draw him again. It looks off.

Young Kliff: Another idea for a younger Kliff. It's a lot different from my earliest interpretations of that prompt. This version is based more on some early concept sketches of him. I imagine young!Kliff as someone who was drawn to rock because he found belonging in the subculture, so he took it pretty badly when his "home" essentially crumbled around him the same way his "real" home did.

System & White: System is a "character" in Desynchronized that I've alluded to several times (especially in the Headcanons series), but has never made a proper appearance. In short, System (aka Orca) is the literal system which controls the 1010s thought process without being filtered through their individual personality cores. As such, it doesn't technically have its own body and exists in every 1010. If I ever needed to show it visually, it would manifest as a black haired version of whichever 1010 it was currently possessing.

DDMC Redraw: I started a sketch of a redraw of my Doki Doki Mermaid Club title screen. I lost interest in it at some point. I think the composition could be a lot more interesting.

[The original piece]

Kun3h0's Eye: Originally for that poll about Kun3h0's eye, I was just going to use a base and draw all the different answers before I eventually decided to do a unique drawing for each. Some unused sketches included a tentacle, a glitch, an invert colored eye, and an alternate design for the bunny eye patch.

Kun3h0's Things: I was trying to fill the page with various things that are important to Kun3h0, but I never quite finished it. There are more things I could have added, but these are the things I drew:

The GAB Nano: Kun3h0's transformation trinket, storage device, and remote to contact GAB. It's capable of producing various things including power-ups, snacks, toys, etc., granted that Kun3h0 has enough "credits" to purchase them.

Various Keychains (GAB, UFO, Octopus, Strawberry, and Bead Chain): Rather than save her credits for more useful things, Kun3h0 has a habit of cashing in her credits for various trinkets and keychains. The sailor octopus is of course a reference to E.G. while the rest are either in-universe references or based on real keychains I own.

Alien Mascot: The mascot of Kun3h0's favorite discontinued soda brand: Cosmic Caffeinators

White Rabbit Batteries: Kun3h0's preferred brand of batteries. They're modeled after white rabbit milk candies, a childhood favorite of mine.

Cosmic Caffeinators (Raspberry flavor): A soda so unfit for human consumption that it works better as coolant fluid. This is the pink stuff that colors Kun3h0's ears. Despite supposedly being discontinued, this stuff is available in abundance at the arcade Kun3h0 works for.

Detective Floats: Revisiting an old concept for a soda themed OC. He used to run a soda fountain, but I've tried reimagining him as a private investigator from a Strawberry Shortcake-esque world who teams up with a demon slaying bounty hunter from a Doom-esque world. He's cute, but I'm not totally sold on this design. I've got too many string-bean characters (and he is in fact my proto-string bean, but he's since been displaced by the likes of Kun3h0 and The Prince Formerly Known as Frog), so I may experiment with his body type a little more down the line.

[maidfrin]

hm okay real honest question then so from what youve said it sounds like youd consider your past and who you were at those times to be a different person from who you are right st this moment.

how do you be ok with that? with having everything about who you are just a collection of an unimaginably huge amount of tiny events ?

hm... see i've been thinking on the first part of this, ever since i got this ask, and honestly i think this is a case of "ship of theseus paradox is easily solved/described if you had the proper terms for it" if that makes sense at all. who i was in the past and who i am in the present are the same Person, but different People.

my past self and my present self are both Me but the Person i was two years ago is different from the Person i am today. this doesn't mean he's a different entity or thing entirely (even if i, typing that, instinctively wanted to refer to my old self as They as in a Different Person), but if you presented a younger version of Me to the current Me, i would go "that's not me anymore, but it was once and i carry them with me even if we've grown apart"

i guess one way i've thought of describing it is that i'm every version of me i've ever lived and ever Will live ^_^ alt. a post i think about often but don't have on hand, "i am a mosaic everyone who's ever loved me/everyone i have ever loved". i am one person but i am made up of many many tiny events that have compounded into making me the Me i am today and helped me grow beyond the Me i was years/months/weeks/days ago. some of these are bad events, some of these are good, i tend to think of myself as an optimist so i'm usually trying to focus on the good but i know i couldn't have been shaped and changed without the bad ones

i feel like... being okay with it, i'm not sure, it's not something i've ever really considered, it's just something i've accepted. people change me and i change them in turn, i like seeing and knowing how i impact people and vice versa. a lot of the things i enjoy today are because friends recommended them to me, some of my favorite games and bands i only found because my friends told me about them. i know i change people both in habit and likes and memory, from things as big as "this is their favorite show now, because we watched it together" to "this person i've never spoken to stopped me in a hallway to say that, in a large classroom where i've never actively seen or made a note of where they sit, they always enjoy seeing the earrings i wear to class".

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i know change is a natural part of life (the whole time i've been writing this stp has been in my brain specifically the "is a child the same as an infant?" conversation with the shifting mound) and that i will always change, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better, sometimes it'll be in my control and sometimes it won't be. i'm still Me years later and even if i don't have the same mannerisms or things i did when i was younger, they're still part of me.

maybe part of this accepting this also has to do with knowing that other people are this way too! i am made of every day i've lived and every person i've met and loved even for brief moments, even if i don't realize it :]

smth also... change is inevitable and for me there is no reason fighting against it when that's the case. sure, not all change will be good, but i've found that knowing that and being prepared is better than trying to fight against an unstoppable force, and even in the case that you do try to prevent change, it usually won't work. you will change anyway, or you will stagnate and suffer. sometimes the act of trying to resist change itself will change you. without change i don't know who i am, i like routine in my day-to-day life, but without change i'll be the same Me forever, without experiences and new things to draw upon and think about, and i think that's a very boring and uncomfortable life to live.

i'm not sure if this is necessarily what you were asking, or if this makes sense at all, but if you have anything else i'd be happy to elaborate! identity and how it changes over time is something i think about a lot honestly ^_^ it's one of my favorite things to write about in regards to my ocs too so i think about it often!!

[rawrtriesagain]

Heya, same anon who asked you for art advice! First, I wanted to thank you for answer my questions and listing all that wonderful advice! I just have some followups. It’s really okay to just draw without even knowing how to put down a line? Won’t that just lead to bad habits or not learning the right techniques? And you mentioned learning how to draw the human body, will the sites you listed help, or are there other resources I should look up (like maybe on Pinterest?). Again, thanks!

Combining your asks into one. Thank you for the kind words! I'll be happy to continue helping where I can :)

So in terms of bad habits and practices, this is where my advice will fall flat haha because I myself don't know what's a good practice actually - I just do what I want to do even if its the worst way to do something anyone's ever seen! For example, my way of doing 'lineart' (just cleaning up my sketches) is to draw big fat lines and then slowly carve it with an eraser into a line I deem good enough. Someone who could grab a pen and draw a perfect line on the fly would probably be like wtf watching me meticulously erase my one fat line lol

But!

If you really don't know how to put down a line at all yet, your best bet really is to just start. There's not really a trick or technique too it, its just practice. I think unless you were trying to go into art school or something and needed to work on a portfolio (btw again I am not the person to ask for that), there's not really a 'bad habit,' its just as long as you're having fun. In my earlier example about my 'lineart' I pretty much know I'm doing it in such a dumb way, but I actually find it really fun to carve away my line with an eraser haha. Yea I could put in the effort to actually learn how to do things properly, but I like wasting hours just nitpicking on this little thing just because its fun to me. (I do the same thing for coloring also. I'll scribble my entire screen and then use an eraser to start carving things out lmao)

Of course while you're drawing and you're doing something that makes you think "hey this actually sucks actually-" that's when you take the opportunity to grow and learn something new that you didn't know before. This is a digital art thing: but for the longest time I literally didn't know anything about layers and my thoughts were just "man there's got to be a better way to do this" which throws me into a rabbit hole of searching "how do I do This Thing"

If you're really into learning art techniques though it might be good to slowly go over all of the 'art fundamentals' especially when it comes to like shading and perspective. I looked at this blog post and it looks like it would help start you out with some links to other resources: link then of course you can look up the corresponding Youtube videos to see someone actually do the fundamental for real. I'd also honestly recommend like a beginners artist course in person if that's something affordable and accessible to you. It's been one of my dreams to go to like random art classes for fun haha but alas life happens so its just me and my tablet until I'm rich as hell I guess. I've never taken a digital course either, but if that's one of the ways you're able to learn that's great too and I'd recommend it!

Next on human body:

Sorry I should have talked about them more in depth at the time, but yes they will help but only if you're determined to use them correctly! So the sites I listed basically show a pose for 30 seconds, and the idea is you're supposed to just try to take in the shape/form of the pose and draw it without nitpicking over minor details. You can also set the timer higher if you need (I used to set it to at least 60 seconds just because I was just a slow ass artist). But basically it should help you break down the human body into simple shapes and lines.

Now what I mean by using the sites correctly: So there's two ways to approach drawing from references:

1. "eye tracing" which is where your eyes are kind of just following the outline of whatever you're drawing but you're not really processing what exactly you're doing to help you later down the line. I have a bad habit of doing this and I tend to struggle later again for the same pose.

2. Breaking down the reference into small chunks and shapes, and then morphing those shapes into your piece. And later down the line you should start to be able to think of things like "oh the Circle piece of the body normally goes Here!"

Here's a random google image I found to help illustrate what I'm kind of talking about:

So eye tracing would kind of be like a less refined version of #3. Just a blobby but like you can somewhat tell what it is and that's cool I guess, but its not very helpful for when you want to try drawing a variant of the pose above. Breaking down the reference is like steps #1 and #2, simple shapes and blocks that help guide and outline the final shape you want. #1 in particular is very easy to change around should you want to.

So while you're on the sites I linked, you should try to break down each pose into its shape instead of drawing exactly what you see. You should also keep in mind the 'line of action' while doing so:

It's definitely a lot to take in all at once, so I'd honestly recommend just loading up the site and doing your best to replicate the pose, 'eye tracing' or not. Once you get more used to the routine and flow, then try to branch into learning more appropriate techniques. I've seen around that some people also recommend removing the time limit on the poses, as some people learn better by taking their time on one thing and breaking things down even further from there, but that's definitely up to you. You could also go out and try drawing random people if that helps and if you're bold!

My experience with Pinterest has mostly been for inspiration or cool things I've never thought of before, though I'm sure others are able to use it better than I can haha. I'm sure there are step by step guides to help you out around there!

I think resources to learn how to draw better really do come down to what kind of learner you are in the first place. Lots of people learn really well from Youtube tutorials for example, or maybe reading and following along with a book about anatomy would work for you too. I have like the most god awful attention span ever, so what works for me is just raw trial and error and hoping for the best. tbh idk how I even got this far haha but i am happy that I've progressed at all

Let me know if you have more questions and I'll definitely do my best to answer them! If you're looking for more advice regarding traditional art learning fundamentals, I'm sure there are many other artists that would be happy to answer your questions as well!

Best of luck! :)

[novawritesthingsss]

Sketches (WIP I'm working on, pt.1)

TWs: Tell me if I need to add

[No link yet-]

Ivy sat flat on her bed, bored out of her mind. Ever since she had been reincarnated she had been too scared to write shit. She didn't have any more hobbies so now she was stuck without anything to do. 

Ivy heard a knock at her door. "Hello?" She called out. "It's Sunny, and Saturn. We just want to talk." Ivy sighed. "Why do I have to get up now…" she mumbled. She cracked open the door slightly, peering out of the opening. "We uh… got you some food." Saturn held up a bag of food. "Saturn, what is this about…" Ivy questioned. "I might have told Sunny about your… eating habits…" "Saturn what the heck-" Sunny cut her off. "Ivy, this isn't about that. But I do want you to eat this. I just have a question for you." Ivy moaned. "What is it?" Saturn cleared her throat "Why don't you write anymore?" Ivy paused. "Um… excuse me?"

"You used to write a lot— heck you wrote an entire book! What happened to that?" Saturn questioned.

"Trauma involving an axe to my neck."

"Oh… sorry."

"It's whatever I guess... What did you get me?" Ivy asked. Sunny looked inside the bag. "Um… Fries and a burger…" Ivy grumbled. "I'm not eating all of that." Sunny frowned. "I know. I was planning to split some of the burger with you…" Ivy raised her eyebrows.

"Oh."

Sunny gave Ivy the fries. Ivy began to snack on the fries. Unfortunately for Ivy, the only food she couldn't resist was fries, no matter how much salt was on it. It sickened her. 

"So, is that it? Are you just going to watch me eat?" She questioned. Sunny looked away from Ivy. "Well yes and no. We have an idea for you." That further confused Ivy. "An idea?" She echoed. "Yes, an idea. Saturn, give her the things." Saturn handed her a bag.

Ivy dug through the bag and pulled out a sketchbook. She set the book aside and peaked inside the bag. "Pencils? Erasers? Guys what is this about?" Sunny rested their hand on their neck. "Well… my therapist gave me an idea. She said that I should try things like drawing or writing instead of resorting to drinking or any other thing that would harm me. I thought that this could also work for you. Cus' Lunar told me you used to write in order to cope with your emotions."

"Like a replacement for writing," Saturn added. Ivy wiped her hands. "Lemme give it a try then." Ivy started sketching a picture of a ball. She then shaded the ball. "Is this good?" She turned the sketchbook towards the others. 

"Not bad."

"Oooh”

"Thanks."

Ivy started to sketch out a head. She looked up at Sunny for reference. She glided the pencil across the page until something similar to Sunny’s face appeared. She turned her sketchbook towards Sunny. Sunny hummed in confusion. "What— oh! Wait, that's pretty accurate. When did you learn to draw like that?" Ivy shrugged. "I've always liked doodling the creatures I researched… well used to. There wasn't enough paper to doodle on here." "Well now there is! Your sketchbook!" Saturn reminded.

"Oh— right!"

[fineartsjournal]

213341 Art Studio IIIA ⋆ Week 11 - Back to the Drawing Board

With eyes on the street, I've noticed these small graffiti sculptures showing around town, appearing to be cement shapes mortared to concrete walls.

The approach I've been veering towards with my work has been of free-for-all interaction, and expressing my work through a structural statement might be just what I need.

At work, I came up with Pop Concrète, a square concrete vessel containing an embedded MP3 player, and a headphone outlet. The title a reference to Musique Concrète, the looping mix would contain the same sensibilities, with plunderphonic pop samples so dense that they'd only warrant a brief listen.

The audience interaction with this piece would reflect this, with the block - in later redesign hollowed out brick - being placed on a table, with a chair implying a one-at-a-time listening experience. This would be inspired by the presentation of Em's 'overstimulation' sound collage last year, where audience members would individually come up and listening, the overbearing soundscape being too much to bear for more than a couple seconds at a time.

Likewise, Pop Concrète, its presentation a literal reflection of the sound, would be just as dense; one brief earful and you've already got the full digest - a brick of pop!!

A chat with Bryce made me realise that I could keep further with the times, and bring the subversive distribution element back in with the addition of QR codes. By just pasting these to a brick, and leaving multiple around campus, I'd also be working smarter.

Grabbing hip by the handful, I chose the following songs from the Billboard charts:

Tommy Richman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Ne-Yo - Closer

The Weeknd - Blinding Lights

Gwen Stefani - Sweet Escape

Sabrina Carpenter - Espresso

Miley Cyrus - Flowers

Benson Boone - Slow It Down

Djo - End of Beginning

Laila! - Like That!

Doja Cat - Paint The Town Red

Billie Eilish - LUNCH

Tyla - Water

SZA - Snooze

Jack Harlow - Lovin on Me

Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls

Maroon 5 - Sugar

Steve Lacy - Bad Habit

Koi Leray - Players

Lay Bankz - Tell Ur Girlfriend

Some I like, some I don't like, I'm painting with as broad a stroke here.

I created a test track sampling Sabrina Carpenter's Espresso, but deleted the file on accident. Just imagine a skipping CD and you'll get the feel.

I also set up a Bandcamp page for the project, which the QR codes would link to.

I put the sampler on the backburner for this one as I was mainly mixing the track on campus via Audacity.

Everything was done by hand. To get a sample sounding extra choppy, I'd cut, loop, reverse, cut again, copy and truncate until the sound was recogniseable only by timbre.

Before long, I had a couple seconds to build upon. The idea would be for a short, track. With something so sonically dense and chock-full of samples, I would be putting all my time into someone only a minute or so in length regardless.

There were so many tracks and small clip edits that I had to split the file project into two parts!

I would import the mixed MP3 file into the program, and then pick up where it left off, allowing for easy editing without breaking my hard drive.

The whole process felt very automatic - keeping my brain stimulated meant having some parts being incomprehensibly complicated, and others being legible, coming up for fresh air with a danceable beat, if so for a couple seconds. I'm happy I took this approach, as it lends itself to a well-flowing listening experience, rather than the audible screams of a dying record player.

After a day's work, I was happy enough to call it. I realized it wasn't a necessity for the piece to loop, but it did anyway. The whole thing was only 1.5 minutes, but hey, Plexure took Oswald a year (At this point, I should give him writing credits).

While I have no doubt that any amount of listening will be small-scale, under the small-but-non-negligible-off-chance that I could be in any legal trouble, I selected the following Creative Commons license for publishing:

I also credited, in alphabetical order, all sampled artists. I spruced up the Bandcamp page, uploaded the file, and BAM. It was done.

Part of it, at least. I still had the whole 'presentation' side of things to get to. I was able to turn the link into a QR Code online, and from there, created a little graphic that I could print out.

I chose to include a little 'player' at the bottom to serve as a visual indicator of the link, song and associated website without being sketchy or vague. I tested the link with my phone, and got to printing.

I then mixed up some glue, and dusted off the bricks for pasting.

I left five bricks in total around campus, all positively slathered in QR codes for all to see. I was initially planning to leave one in a gallery space, but chose to further commit to public interaction/distribution, leaving them alongside places of foot traffic.

As well as outside the music block, because I thought it would be funny.

Come the next day, and inbetween showcases, my rōpū walked by one of the bricks, and we all stopped to give it a scan and a listen.

I thought most people would just save the link for playing in their own time, but instead, a bunch decided to play it all off their phone speakers all at once!

The resulting cacophony was brilliant, the dense sound coming out of tinny phone speakers, layered over itself - I couldn't have asked for a better presentation. And people enjoyed it! Scanned it at their own volition!

I was glad to see the turnaround in sentiment from my previous work, and hopefully, as these concrete bricks sit around campus for the next couple weeks, more passers-by can enjoy it all the same.

[ufoparty]

How did you get into art and what's the best way for people to get into it?

being bad at video games

GENUINELY i got the kingdom hearts manga because i couldn't get very far in the game and as i looked at the art i thought "i want to make stuff that looks like this." so i began with copying and then started drawing freely with obvious references to KH art (eyes mainly lol). pretty much every skill leap i've experienced since then has also happened once i discovered an art style i wanted to borrow something from. plus series with very engaging characters+plot makes me want to explore it more (i.e. i get hyperfixated) so i've ended up practicing a TON with little frustration because it's usually catharsis/Jokes™ that are the driving force rather than making something that looks good.

(not to say i don't ever doubt myself, because there are pieces in my head i wanted to make years ago but didn't because i lacked the technical skill)

i can only really give advice about getting into character art, because i've never been very interested in making abstract or photorealistic art or whatever. they definitely have their place but that's just my preference. that being said:

being super invested in something whether it's your own story ideas or someone else's is a great gateway to art. if you ever have the thought "haha it would be funny/cool if this happened" and the imagery/expressions stick with you moreso than like, Phrasing (personally different ideas i've had have struck me as being more suited to written work vs. drawn, or vice versa), just go ahead and draw it. and do it every time you think of something else. you don't have to show anybody. i drew fruits basket comics in 6th grade and never showed a soul. those drawings are for You

looking at other people's work.. novels, manga, cartoons, paintings, design, typography.. even if the work as a whole is something you're not that into, if there are stylistic choices you appreciate then take them. you can just straight up redraw someone else's art if you want to get a feel for how it all fits together, as long as you don't post it/claim it as your own (my rule is: no posting copies of a peer's art without permission, but yes to a famous/dead artist as long as credit is given). when you mash influences together it becomes something unique to you very quickly because no one else is going to be drawn to the exact same things as you

a major DON'T is second-guessing yourself. it's super easy to compare yourself to others especially as you get older, because if you start making art at like. 45 you may think you need to be at the same skill level as another 45-year-old who's been doing it for 30 years. it can be hard not to think this way especially if you're looking at other people's art like i suggested lol but get in the habit of hyping up your own ideas to yourself. "this such a good idea." "wow i'm so funny." "this is silly but no one has done it before so it's my job to make it."

there are people who could say all of this more eloquently and succinctly, and who follow their own advice more often--i haven't followed the third bullet in a while :o) but when i think of the most productive periods in my life these are the things that stand out the most. so i hope even just like one sentence is useful. also having adhd or autism can make this easier so try that too 👍

[sanstropfremir]

ok this took way longer than i expected because i got sidetracked looking at paintings and reading poetry and just admiring the mv, but it's finally finished!! let's talk about

higher

✨

i'm going to draw your attention to a few things.

firstly, these verses from rime of the ancient mariner by samuel taylor coleridge, published 1834:

The harbour-bay was clear as glass,

So smoothly it was strewn!

And on the bay the moonlight lay,

And the shadow of the Moon.

The rock shone bright, the kirk no less,

That stands above the rock:

The moonlight steeped in silentness

The steady weathercock.

And the bay was white with silent light,

Till rising from the same,

Full many shapes, that shadows were,

In crimson colours came.

A little distance from the prow

Those crimson shadows were:

I turned my eyes upon the deck—

Oh, Christ! what saw I there!

Each corse lay flat, lifeless and flat,

And, by the holy rood!

A man all light, a seraph-man,

On every corse there stood.

This seraph-band, each waved his hand:

It was a heavenly sight!

They stood as signals to the land,

Each one a lovely light;

This seraph-band, each waved his hand,

No voice did they impart—

No voice; but oh! the silence sank

Like music on my heart.

secondly, this ivan aivazovsky painting, chaos (the creation), c. 1841:

and thirdly, the memorial of percy shelley, who drowned in a boating accident at age 29, in 1822:

there's a common conflation between the romantic and the pastoral in the general cultural consensus because the pastoral a) has been around as an art term longer than romantic, and b) romanticism does use some similar imagery. but there is a key difference: the pastoral is specfically an idealization of 'the simple shepherding life,' often for high class and urban audiences who have no conception of the details of this life includes. one of the more famous examples is christopher marlowe's a passionate shepherd to his love, published in 1599:

Come live with me and be my love,

And we will all the pleasures prove,

That Valleys, groves, hills, and fields,

Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the Rocks,

Seeing the Shepherds feed their flocks,

By shallow Rivers to whose falls

Melodious birds sing Madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of Roses

And a thousand fragrant posies,

A cap of flowers, and a kirtle

Embroidered all with leaves of Myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool

Which from our pretty Lambs we pull;

Fair lined slippers for the cold,

With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and Ivy buds,

With Coral clasps and Amber studs:

And if these pleasures may thee move,

Come live with me, and be my love.

The Shepherds’ Swains shall dance and sing

For thy delight each May-morning:

If these delights thy mind may move,

Then live with me, and be my love.

whereas romanticism is a more pointedly specific movement that was active from around 1800 to 1850, primarily focused on intense emotion and catharsis as the primary experiential output of an artwork. which most prominently manifested in a deep fascination and glorification of the natural environment and historical nostalgia. the movement sprung from the german sturm und drang (literally storm and drive/stress) period of the late 1760s to early 1780s, which was a direct reaction to rationalism and enlightenment. romanticism had similar impulses; it was also a revival of medievalism and a reaction against the looming urban sprawl and mechanization of the industrial revolution. a typical romantic poem from one of the originators of the english movment william wordsworth, composed upon westminster bridge, september 3, 1802, originally published 1807:

Earth has not any thing to show more fair:

Dull would he be of soul who could pass by

A sight so touching in its majesty:

This City now doth, like a garment, wear

The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,

Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie

Open unto the fields, and to the sky;

All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.

Never did sun more beautifully steep

In his first splendour, valley, rock, or hill;

Ne'er saw I, never felt, a calm so deep!

The river glideth at his own sweet will:

Dear God! the very houses seem asleep;

And all that mighty heart is lying still!

this romantic fascination with nature was underpinned by the philosophy of the sublime, generally agreed to be first treatised by edmund burke in 1756, the theory was also written about by kant and hegel. in the simplest of terms, the sublime is a quality of greatness beyond calculation, imitation, and human comprehension. the sublime is twofold; the greatness of the ocean is beautiful, but its power is also terrifying, and the experience of the sublime is to feel those two at once. to be in awe and also to be horrified of its ability to sink ships and drown a life in a tempermental change of tide.

let's take a quick detour to talk about

clothing

in the present day we have become much more lax thanks to the aesthetic movement in the late nineteenth century, but back in the early victorian period there are still highly structured rules about when and what clothing one can wear in public. and the clothing itself is also highly structured. anyone with a passing understanding of the victorian era knows about the whole flashing of the ankle thing and corsets galore, and it is true that the general day to day garments cover a lot of area. for men in particular, this manifests in no less than three layers in public at all times: shirt, waistcoat, and suit jacket, with a coat or mantle overtop in colder temperatures. this also includes a variation of a neck tie (depending on what year), hat, gloves, and any other decided upon accessories (this can also include a corset and other padded structural underpinnings). an important tangent to mention here is that this is the uniform of the upper classes, although the rules do apply to the lower classes if they wanted to appear 'sophisticated.' the working man's uniform was also shirt, waistcoat, trousers, but the difference here is in the textiles themselves; the colours tended to be much more drab, with less complicated patterns. obviously due to the price fabric itself, but also due to the labour of laundry. an indicator of class here is the white shirt itself and its pristine implications. (there is a longer conversation here about the invention of neckties and detachable collars and cuffs, but that's for another day). the silhouettes are very important to note here in the higher mv, as they are directly referential to the 'romantic poet' archetype of loose shirt and tight pants that we see in popular culture. but as i've just said, the reality is that men of the era were not dressed like this out in public. this look is essentially underwear; the implications are salacious. so where did this come from? well, we can blame it mostly on lord byron, who by all accounts was the first western 'rockstar.' notoriously called 'mad, bad and dangerous to know' by lady caroline lamb (a married women he publically had an affair with), byron was openly bisexual and deeply hedonistic with a lot of questionable habits, but his poetry was so popular that he was known to have women following him in the street and gathering in large quanities to see him at salons. and this was close to three decades before lizstomania. his close friends and contemporaries included percy and mary shelley, with whom he lived with abroad in italy for some time (this living arrangement resulted in the writing of both frankenstein and john polidori's the vampyre). byron's reputation was so eclipsing that the image of the lush poet lazing in his undergarments has become its own genre of romantic, slightly removed from the movement byron was writing in. it's also worth it to point out that there are no official portraits of byron dressed like this from the time. the visual assumption is somewhat apochryphal. now let's get into some specifics. a.c.e is not unfamiliar to this silhouette; as previously mentioned in this post i wrote about their styling, the boxy loose upper and fitted lower is their general mode for their styling because of its emphasis on legs. cactus was the most extreme example of this, and to prove my point, this specific silhouette is extremely common in classical ballet:

1. vaslav nijinsky, giselle, 1911 2. nehemiah kish, george balanchine's ballo della regina, 2011/12

higher fits very neatly into this same category: we have an emphasis on the legs through tightly fitted garments and also through light reflective textile, as well as a secondary emphasis on arm and shoulder movements with looser fit shirts. plus, the shirts are made from fabrics that have good drape and flow, and mimic the visual effects of water:

there are also several instances of scale patterning and wetlook hair styles, further elabourating on the siren theme. and the jewelry is the same, purposefully cut clear stones for oceanic sparkle or pearls, the gem directly born from water, as highlighting accents to specific parts of the body - namely eyes, hands, and torso:

the body jewelry also serves a double purpose in addition to being sparkly; it gives a semblance of shape to their torsos so their movements aren't totally lost in the shroud of their shirts, and it also invokes some of that salacious element that us as a modern audience doesn't necessarily perceive in the same way when we see a man wearing only a shirt. all of these points are especially prominent in the stage costuming. concerning the veils, these are an aesthetic choice following the theme of depicting water without actually using water. the song has a very breathless quality to it, and the lyrics directly make reference to water and breathlessness, so it only makes sense to have a physical manifestation of struggling to breathe.

now let's talk about

mise-en-scène

unlike most kpop mvs, I would argue that higher is not a spectacle in what we normally see spectacle to be. the overwhelming visual saturation of goblin (and the goblin remix) is more in line with what we expect, but how do you follow that, top it? the answer is that you don't. you aim for something with a completely different feel, which is exact what they did with higher.

the performing arts did not escape romanticism. the very start of the movement, sturm und drang, is actually named from a specific play written by friedrich maximilian klinger that premiered in 1777. the plays of the brief period are characterized by extreme and passionate emotions, and were siblings to one of the most famous genres of theatre, the melodrama. meant to appeal directly to the emotions of the audience using sensationalist plots and stock characters, the melodrama was the predominent form of entertainment in victorian england and gradually developed a specific form of its own. in this period we also start to see the development of 'stagecraft' into the recognizable form that it takes today. footlights, limelight/spotlighting, the separation of house and stage lighting, fly galleries, elevator platform mechanics, and the first (purported) western use of rear projection are all innovations of the late 18th and 19th centuries, as melodramas were known to have very intricate and spectacular stagings. and to go along with these stagecraft mechanics we see the rise in designated stage crews, which were predominantly off-duty sailors looking to make money. the rope systems that made up the fly galleries were very similar to that on ships, and much of the terminology and supersitions crossed over: this is the origin of the term 'rigging' being used for suspending set elements, and also the origin of the 'don't whistle in a theatre' superstition. as sailors communicated with whistle patterns on ships, the same system was adopted for changing scenery, and therefore whistling a random pattern could potentially drop a setpiece on an unsuspecting victim.

so with all this backstory out of the way, what is the very first full location we see? a stage, complete with forced perspective via the painted fabric legs (the side panels) and borders (the wavy upper panels). we even have a flat painted backdrop with a projection screen and hanging overhead lamps. there's also a second interior set, a desk in what looks to be a study of some kind. bit self explanatory on this one, taking the poet notion on the nose.

the locations have a bit of an obtuse arc, but it's there when you look for it. it starts interior spaces, where the ideas of sublime attempted to be recreated for the viewer. then it moves to transitory spaces; portions of nature isolated from a whole environment, interjections of human architecture into natural spaces:

(the white hut structure in the greenhouse is reminiscent of a skene (literally hut/tent), which is the structure at the back of the stage in ancient greek theatre used for the actors to change their masks and costumes. it was originally temporary, but slowly transformed into permanent stage architecture)

and then finally outdoors, into the sublime itself:

jwm turner, crossing the bridge, 1815

lastly,

lighting

there's a very clear lighting pattern here, primarily in light and dark. the base colour story is fairly simple complementary pairs; there's a lot of purple/red and green, and blue and yellow/amber, with everything relatively on the same tonal level. there are deliberate interjections of heavily saturated red for specific effect. there are also, most notably, a 'dark' version of all the sets. obviously as a reference to the eclipse that we see in the mv and in the concept photo series, but also as a reference to that darker undercurrent of the sublime, the upsetting, the uncanny, and the terrifying:

And the bay was white with silent light/Till rising from the same/Full many shapes, that shadows were/In crimson colours came.

[atsuwiee]

hello! congrats on 600 :) i'll be requesting matchups for 2 fandoms, if that's okay with you! take your time on making this request :) call me sleepy anon if you'd like,, ( fandom is tokyo revengers and twisted wonderland. if you want to just choose one, you can choose either of those two ) I use any pronouns, so you can legit just call me anything you want, i don't really mind~! i'm also asexual, if you needed to know my sexuality. I'm a very sleepy person, since day 1. I've been pretty used to sleeping, to the point where i can be in any position and sleep comfortably in it. Many people either was amazed or weirded off by it (namely my teachers, I used to sleep on class a few times. Sometimes i got away with it, sometimes i didn't lol). This habit of mine can be a flaw too, my parents usually comment that i just sleep a lot, to the point that i skipped meals and didn't take care of myself anymore. till this day, i'm working on that so that i wont cause worry to my parents anymore :) I guess you can say i'm awkward. I mean, i can start a conversation like "hello" or something, but keeping the conversation going or finding a topic to talk about with someone is pretty difficult for me since i overthink too much on what i have to say and always think 'oh no what if they don't like talking to me' or 'whoops, that was NOT good impression me.' so that's why i pretty much just avoid talking to people since it's a bit of a hectic ride for me. I am a bit of a daydreamer, if i say so myself. I love to daydream a lot of things, especially in a window seat, looking at the window while the car drives and my favorite music playing in my earphones. Are you bored yet by wallows and clairo is currently my favorite song. My current favorite hobbies are writing and drawing. I've been writing for 2 years now, and i'm pretty proud of my improvement. Although, currently, i know and i think i have to do much more better than my current writing and i have lots of time doing that. I just started drawing last year, because of quarantine and drawing is harder than i thought it would. Like I have this image on my head that i wanna draw and i place it on a paper and when i try drawing it on paper, it looks like garbage compared on what i see on my imagination. I think i should start using references to improve art haha. I dislike not being able to sleep. Pretty self explanatory. I dislike being forced to do things i don't wanna do. I dream of being carefree and just doing things i wanna do without overthinking and stressing out. Well, those are the current things that i can think of, Sorry if it's too long. I'm used to writing long stuff LOL. Take your time on doing my request, no rush is needed :) TL;DR : I am a sleepy and awkward daydreamer who's been writing for 2 years and just started drawing last year. Still in development of improving the two of those and i hate not being able to sleep and being forced to do stuff. :)

i match you with... leona kingscholar!

i just feel like days with him for the both of you will just be lounging around or falling asleep, since leona loves sleep as well.

at first he actually laughed a bit if you're being awkward but then he'll actually realize that he shouldn't be laughing so he'll actually comfort you if you're having thoughts. especially when you overthink- leona is kinda sh!t at words but he tries his best to calm you down or to reassure you ykyk.

(probably) is used to you daydreaming- like there are moments where you just stare blankly(?) while you have some music plugged into your ears so sometimes he waves his hand across your face to check if you're alright lol

i match you with... manjiro sano (mikey)!

ok but like-

mikey sleeps a lot too so that's something you could both get along with ? DJHDKJH like there will be times where both of you are bored and you both sleep beside each other peacefully-

he's also shit with words too, but he tries his best to comfort you whether you have bad thoughts due to overthinking. he also finds it amazing that you draw, sometimes he likes staying beside you while you try to draw (its also guaranteed that he'll actually annoy you a bit while you're working lmao)

i hope you liked this<3 !

[oneboxofmatches]

Hi!!! May I request a HP romantic and friendship matchup on both eras? (Preferably male), thanks in advance! 💞

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, Ravenclaw, and my patronus spirit is swan. Bi Pan Genderfluid girl using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. A friend of mine told me that I (kinda) look like Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲 (a Netflix animated series), but the exception is I'm short (5'1.2") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has messy/wavy brunette medium hair, chocolate brown eyes, oriental skin and a small beauty mark on the forehead. My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant and shy at first cause' I dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis, talkative, awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY clumsy, secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over any wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, sarcastic person with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no. 1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), and will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

People thought I'm a demure self-effacing woman that looks "idealistic" or "one of a kind," (due to my protective parents, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, I'm eloquent, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic crybaby filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone, yet I still managed to be stronger than ever, even it's a slow burn process. I can be intimidating, sassy, and a douchebag if I receive ends. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, very indecisive, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive or I might break a belonging due to my carelessness). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic person, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams) 𝖺𝗇𝖽 what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Blunt but the loudest idiotic feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will act like a silent backstabber on people that we loathe, will crack up over your stupid antics before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic who tends to banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment (but gets grumpy if I received sappy or offensive one), still generous and concerned in a subtle way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝗂𝗇𝖼𝗅𝗎𝖽𝖾 making corniest jokes/puns, 𝗌𝗅𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗂𝗇𝗀, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD).

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, eating a lot, cartoons, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and writings, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity and worse scenarios in real life, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some are too hypocritical.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, and oratorical skills...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader). Currently an incoming college freshman, learning how to cook and have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

Thank you so, so much for requesting! I had a lot of fun with this one (as you can tell by some of the really long answers lol) and I hope you enjoy!!

In the Golden Trio era, I romantically pair you with…

CEDRIC DIGGORY

One of the most beautiful things about Cedric is that although he may show some introverted tendencies, he still manages to have a natural gift for connecting to others and allowing them to feel comfortable enough to open up. Really, your initial distance and shyness don't last nearly as long towards Cedric as they would with most other people.

Hearing your laughter brings the widest, cheesiest grin to Cedric’s face. Not only does he adore seeing you happy, but he also recognizes that your anxiety, insecurities, and strong emotions can sometimes cloud up your demeanor. Therefore, it brings him comfort knowing that (for the moment) you’re finding joy. He thrives when you thrive!

However, as much as he loves seeing your more energetic and happier self, it goes without saying that he’s the best comfort for when you’re not having the best day.

Cedric is an excellent listener, so he’ll most likely let you talk without interruption for as long as you need before even saying a word. He wants to make sure he truly understands your current state before acting. He may take a few seconds to process everything after you finish speaking, but then he’ll help you tackle whatever problems you’re facing. He’s especially talented at giving words of affirmation.

Cedric’s listening also comes in handy whenever you talk about your interests! He genuinely loves hearing about the things you’re interested in solely for the fact that you’re interested in them. Side note: you can count on him to be at any music performances, pageants, etc. you may have -- this guy is truly your #1 supporter.

Cedric’s a very good student (though I suspect he’s somewhat of a procrastinator himself), so I can also see you two supporting each other through schoolwork and celebrating each other’s successes.

Like you, Cedric has a strong urge to do the right thing. Talking to him about social issues stirs up a need to help, and I could see you two doing volunteer work together in your spare time.

I like to believe one of Cedric’s biggest love languages is quality time. Don’t get me wrong, this guy loves staying involved and busy. But taking a couple hours to be with you in small ways (even if that means just being in the same room while you scroll through social media) gives him a nice balance.

Overall, this kind boy will be there unwaveringly through the bad times and will laugh just as loud as you through the good!

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LUNA LOVEGOOD

You wanna talk about the best conversations, relentless support, and overall the most wholesome friendship you could ask for? Luna’s your girl.

Being unashamed to be true to yourself is one of the biggest reasons why Luna is so drawn to you. While she’s very friendly and insightful towards everyone she meets, it can get a bit repetitive for her to constantly interact with people who try to shelter their unique characteristics from the world. In her mind, these unique characteristics are what make people so fascinating! Why should anyone hide who they are?

Luna’s creativity is endless, and I can see it blending well with yours. Collaborating on a personal project outside of school (ex: novel, blog, etc.) together is definitely something I could see you two doing.

Speaking of creativity, finding creative solutions to everyday problems (both in school and in life) is your specialty as friends.

Admittedly, Luna isn’t usually drawn to louder individuals. However, the complexity behind your personality makes it easier for her to know you are much more than what meets the eye.

Speaking of, Luna has a difficult time standing up for herself -- whether it’s because she doesn’t feel a need to or she just doesn’t recognize the meaning behind certain phrases. She NEEDS a friend like you to stand up for her sometimes, and I know you wouldn’t hesitate!

Ranting to Luna is therapeutic to say the least. While her aloofness at times may make it seem as if she isn’t fully paying attention, that couldn’t be further from the truth. She’s actually catching every word, and once you’re done she’ll leave you with a philosophical solution that may seem borderline insane/irrelevant when you first hear it, but it strangely makes sense.

Overall, the lack of judgment from either of you is what draws you together. As a result, you build a unique bond that couldn’t be broken even if either of you wanted it to.

In the Marauders era, I romantically pair you with…

REMUS LUPIN

Let’s be honest, it would take you two so long to ask each other out. You were probably already really close friends, but the insecurities and “what if?” questions from both of you delayed an actual relationship.

When you finally started dating, you were both so relieved. You still share a laugh at how almost nothing changed in the way you interacted with each other.

While with mutual friends, Remus sometimes likes to sit back and just watch you, especially when you get really talkative because this is when you become the most expressive. He has the softest smile when you’re actively cracking jokes, discussing something you’re passionate about, or even calling someone out. Sometimes you may be too distracted to notice, but other times you’ll catch him.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.” (While that same soft smile never leaves his face.)

You both hold really high standards for yourself in terms of school, so expect late-night study/work sessions to be your best bet for quality time.

Though the occasional instance of walking through/lying on the grounds becomes a favorite for both of you.

Remus listens when you’re particularly struggling through anxiety or strong emotions, but he has to consciously stop himself from interrupting because he can’t stand how he feels knowing you’re going through a tough time.

All he wants to do is soothe you during these moments. If you’re comfortable, he’ll hold you while speaking to you in a soft voice. Remus, the intellectual that he is, is also your best chance at finding a reasonable solution. So if you're not in the mood for calming words, he's also a great person to turn to for answers.

As for your ambitions, no matter what you choose to pursue, you already know Remus is going to be your biggest source of support every step of the way. He’s more than happy to help in any way he can!

Overall, Remus appreciates you, and he’s always going to make sure you know it.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LILY EVANS

Lily especially connects to you because you manage to be determined, competitive, and intelligent without sacrificing your kindness, which is something she can relate to.

You and Lily are the C.E.O.s of doing the right thing. Neither of you hesitates to back the other up when it comes to confronting someone because you know it’s justified.

As perceptive as Lily is, you never need to tell her when something is bothering you. All it takes is a quick glance before she puts whatever she’s doing on hold to check in with you.

The reverse works as well. Typically, Lily really doesn’t internally struggle too much, and when she does she tries to hide it. You’re one of the only people who can see right through whatever she tries to pull.

The constant banter between you two is unmatched, but you both know it's because you really care about each other.

Overall, you and Lily have each other’s backs through anything, even when the other isn’t actively asking for help.

[phasesofpencilsmain]

Study Break

Things are slowly getting back to normal after Steven's break down. But he still has some bad habits he needs to learn how to let go.

It had been just over a month since Steven had, What he's referring to as "his meltdown". Guess that's about as apt of a name you can give to turning into a giant pink kaiju over your mental turmoil.

Steven had just started therapy almost 2 weeks ago. After some convincing and a few trial and errors they had managed to find a therapist that worked with him, and didn't just ask endless questions about gem stuff.

They could tell Steven was trying with this, but they could also tell it was hard for him. You can't break bad habits in a day, and shoving his feelings aside for the sake of others was definitely a bad habit he needed to kick. Fast.

It was a nice day for Connie. After cram school her and her friends had decided to go to her house for some group studying and hang out time. They cracked jokes about the topics they studied and talked about their lives.

Then Connie's phone rang, the tune she had applied specifically for Steven cheerfully sang and broke up the laughter and talking. Connie took the phone out of her pocket.

"Who's that?" Patricia asked, looking smug like she already knew the answer. "That your booyfriend?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." Connie admitted, holding out her hand to silence any snarky remarks from her friend. "Now hush, i gotta take this."

"Sure you do." She teased one last time before Connie gave her a look that told her she was being serious. Throwing her hands in the air in silent defeat while she let Connie answer her phone in peace.

"Steven!" Connie answered. She tried to sound cheerful but it sounded forced. She was happy to hear from him, but there was still a deep worry that sat in her heart when she saw his name. "Everything okay?"

There was a pause, too long to let it stand.

"Hey, Steven?" She urged, she could hear him shuffling around. But still he said nothing. "Talk to me. Please."

Finally there was a sigh and Steven's voice came through. "Uh, hey Connie."

"Hello Steven. What'd you call about? Everything okay?"

"Uh, heh, can't a guy just call his girlfriend to ask how her day is?"

Connie squinted at the space in front of her, hoping Steven could see her disbelief with his astral projection power. "Steven, you know you're a horrible liar right?"

There came a tense chuckle on the other line. "I'm not that bad, am i?"

"Steven. Come on."

There was another stretch of silence.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Daniel asked but was met with a finger that told him to wait until Connie knew too.

"I uh.." Steven started after a moment. "I just, i needed to talk to you. But uh, i-it can wait until you're on your study break. I uh, heard you had your cram school friends over. Say hi to them for me!"

"Steven. Studying can wait." Her statement, made with such finality and assuredness made Daniel and Patricia stare in shock. But she continued. "You are more important to me than a grade."

"But...what about your friends?" Steven was trying hard to deflect attention off himself but Connie was having none of it.

"You're my friend too you know. Now please, talk to me."

"Okay, okay. Uh....I...I uh..." Connie could hear his voice cracking, struggling to find the words and trying to keep it together so as not to worry her. "It's..it's happening again."

"What is?" She had a sinking feeling she knew what, but she needed to hear him say it.

"The...ya know...the uh...pink swelling stuff." He had nearly whispered the last part, sounding ashamed. Connie only nodded.

"I'll come over as soon as i can." She assured.

"No, Connie really I-it's ok-"

"Steven, stop. Stop lying to me. You lying to me isn't helping me, and it certainly isn't helping you. Just let me be there for you Steven. Just let yourself be helped."

"..okay."

"Send Lion over. I'll be there soon."

"Okay.. uh Connie?"

"Yeah?"

"...Thank you."

She smiled. "Of course. I'll see you in a sec."

Connie hung up and started to close her books. Putting them away on a nearby desk. "Sorry guys, i gotta go."

"Is everything alright?" Daniel asked again, this time recieving a proper answer.

"Steven's been uh.. going through some tough times recently. I gotta be there for him."

"Steven? The kid from the roller rink you were with?" Patricia asked.

"Yeah. That's him."

"Is he okay?" Daniel asked.

"He didn't sound okay at the rink to be honest. What was he even talking about with that "White Diamond" stuff-"

"HEY!" Connie snapped, drawing the attention to her. She hadn't meant to yell, but it was as sensitive a topic for her as it was for Steven. "Sorry. I just, it's his personal stuff okay? Don't try to make fun of it or something."

"Sorry...I wasn't trying to.." Patricia stood up and put a comforting hand on Connie's arm. "Really, I'm just still confused about this.."gem stuff"."

Connie pulled her in for a quick embrace. "I know, I'll try to explain more some other time. Just be sensitive about that stuff he told you at the rink. It's a..bit of a sore spot for him, and me."

"Got it." Patricia nodded. "I won't even bring it up again!"

"Thanks." Connie smiled.

"But wait, if you're leaving then what are we supposed to do?" Daniel asked, still sitting by his books. Determined to still get some studying in during this to ease his mother's wrath.

"You can stay here and finish studying if you want. Or you can call your parents to pick you up."

"How long are you gonna be gone for?" Daniel asked after finishing reading another line of text. Connie paused to consider.

"I'm not sure. I could be a while. I'm going to stay there for as long as Steven needs me there."

"Take your time." Patricia assured. "And tell Steven we said hi."

Connie smiled and nodded. "Sure, I think he'd like that."

Daniel finally stood up to hug Connie goodbye. "Yeah, we all gotta hang out together again! This time we can pick something we can all do without falling on our butts the half the time."

The mood lightened, some light laughter shared among them.

"Definitely." Connie agreed. She called out to her dad making dinner in the kitchen. "DAD! I'M GONNA SEE STEVEN! I'LL BE BACK LATER!"

"Okay! Text your mother!"

"I will!"

"Wait, don't you need your dad to drive you there?" Patricia asked, confused.

Connie shook her head and opened the front door while her friends followed her out. "I've got something faster than a car." She continued just as Lion had ran out of a portal he had made on their lawn and waited for her. "Well, technically Steven does."

Her friends stammered, confused and in awe and a little terrified by Lion. Connie had almost forgotten that Lion was anything but normal and friendly to other people not in the know, but seeing her friends stumble on their words looking at him reminded her of just how much she still has to tell them about gem stuff.

"I'll explain this later too!" She called out, hopping on Lion's back. She smoothed Lion's mane. "Thanks for the lift Lion. Now let's go see Steven!" Lion gave a low growl like an agreement and let out roar opening a portal letting him take her away before her friends could finally form a sentence. As the light warped around the two Connie closed her eyes and whispered. "I'll be there soon Steven, it's gonna be okay."

[nvzblgrrl]

Part 1 Heyo man, I'm absolutely ecstatic that you have this whole One Piece Big Fic project in the works. I'm honestly p paranoid about interacting with words, but your works have been something I've continuously enjoyed going back to and rereading over all these years. And while you've grown and your earlier stuff feels cringe, there's a charm that Witt and Witticism and all of your earlier works have that is longlasting. And I, and apparently others, can't help but love.

Part 2 I've probably reread your fics a good thousand times by now. Like seriously I've got a good bunch of the fics you posted on AO3 saved as PDFs for my own personal reading when I feel the urge. Namely Luck of The Draw, Ultimate Symbiote, and a portion of your Chain Adventures. I've been here quietly reading for a long time and I'm gonna make sure to properly give feedback this time. Good luck in your absolutely bonkers endeavor!

Yeah, absolute mood on the ‘cringe’ part. I think the only excuse I can make for the really early stuff is that -

(this is gonna get loooong and reference child abuse + the 2000′s-2010′s meme culture, so pre-emptive apologies)

1. I had a really messed up upbringing. Not as bad as some people’s situations but still on the deeper end of bad by the ‘White American’ standard and still (albeit barely) within the bounds of Funny Sitcom Abuse Antics (at least for mid-2000′s and older stuff) most of the time. Most of it was neglect and social isolation - I pretty much left the property to go to school, church, and to visit relatives because of court-mandated visitation, the last of which probably kept me from going insane, and that was it aside from events where my dad needed an accessory to compliment his public mask - but there were some other shit mixed in that relied on the Trunchbull Rule (it has to sound too weird to be real so nobody believes it/takes it seriously) to happen.

So besides like, the PTSD from that (which has a habit of bleeding into all of my works, which you’ve probably noticed by now, lmao), I had like, zero experience on healthy relationships, social skills (well outside of a few variations on ‘messed up friendships’ and what I picked up from books, movies, and TV), and basic life skills outside of stuff like ‘boil water and follow the box directions’).

2. I got into the internet really late compared to my generation and everyone after. This was mostly because we had literally no semi-reliable internet access until I was about 11-13 and that was either the school internet or the dial-up at home (which of course was time-limited with the time shared with my brother and done on the family computer with observation in effect). Most of that was spent on like flash games or webcomics, many of which I have tried to reread only to find them gouging my soul because god what the hell was happening in 2007 - wait. Yeah.

It got better by the time we hit high school because by then we had our own computers (not scanners though, I had to pass art and passwords over to a friend of mine to get them on the internet for a couple years before we got one at home), a better internet connection, and high levels of parental disengagement as we proved to be disappointments despite our previous ‘potential’ (my dad was hoping for me to become a life-long cash cow for him, IDK what was going on with my brother and his mom), which meant I could spend more time on the internet... which at the time, meant DeviantArt and FF.net (tumblr came way, waaay at the end of my time in high school).

Yes, that’s where I started out. That should explain a good 90% of why the early stuff was Like That.

Also don’t look for my DeviantArt because I deleted the whole thing years ago, for cringe reasons - namely, a really, really stupid minor war over something I can’t even remember but it ran a lot like those old ‘Potterheads Get Your Wands’ posts, though the fact that 80% of my output towards the end were extremely banal and/or fucking insane One Piece (and occasionally Soul Eater) Demotivator Posters didn’t help.

Pictured: proof of my crimes against humanity (with some minor repeats - every single one of those demovitators are something I did and that’s not even all of them) despite my attempts to destroy the evidence, because the internet (and pinterest) never forget and often reposts without permission.

[Image description: a series of drawn images of a man. the first panel is of him looking at a computer with the subtitle ‘recognition’, the second is a close-up of him with sweat and a look of surprise on his face along with two exclamation points subtitled ‘realization’, the third and final image is an extreme close up of his intensely stressed expression subtitled ‘fear’.]

[Image description, but funny: me accidentally coming across one of those reposts a couple years ago.]

I personally can’t forget because I know my style at the time (it had a few variations, but all of them have been seared into my soul) and how inane/insane some of them read. My favorite was one that ended up turning into a word vomit about how cool Gol D. Roger was that ran so far that it didn’t fit inside the format anymore and ended up running off of the page repeatedly.

...and yes, I did make one edit that was ‘Dead or Alive? is that a trick question?’ for Brook. That one’s still circulating too.

3. While that covers a certain amount of the problems with the early work, Witt and Witticism stands out as a pinnacle because I was both using a reaction heavy style (I was pretty much doing a live-blog of my One Piece anime rewatch in fanfic form, using Witt as a mouth piece - a similar style was used with Ultimate Symbiote but fortified with a few original stories and actual non-canon stuff happening!) and going through the tail end an extreme manic period brought on by escaping (read: getting kicked out of because they were no longer socially or legally obligated to care for me anymore) my abusive childhood home + having money (from my dead mom’s social security).

Seriously, that year was bonkers. I got to go to Disneyworld, got a new cat, published an insane fic, and blew through so much money on some dumb fucking shit when my dad wasn’t stealing it because I didn’t realize he had access to my then-bank account.

Also I’m pretty sure that you can detect when my sanity/depression started reasserting itself in the last few chapters of Witt because he starts experiencing consequences, though I’m not saying you should reread it to try to locate that moment because I’m having to re-read it repeatedly for reference purposes and I don’t think anyone should have to suffer this unless they’re into that (which admittedly, might be the result of that ‘charm’ you mentioned, because I can’t otherwise account for how that fic got over a quarter of a million hits otherwise).

Not to say that all of my early stuff was bad (some of it was actually shockingly good once I found it again, even though it was flawed) but the most easily accessible stuff is... not great!

And thanks for the well-wishes. I’m gonna need that luck if I want to get through it. I look forward to the feedback!

[growup-gloup]

I've been constantly on social media and am watching tv (since childhood) and I feel like this is the reason why my mind got dulled. I feel so stupid sometimes, even though I know that I used to be a smart kid. And I know that somewhere in me, which sounds cringe I know, that I still am this smart kid, but I can't seem to exploit or bring back my full potential. What should I do, or who should I ask for advice? (since I know that you propably are not a specialist in those kind of topics)

I’ve been literally thinking the same things. 

I didn’t really get into internet until around grade 9, and before that, I used to do stuff. I used to write, draw, sing. And I was moderately good at those things. I used to read avidly and I could do so many things. I used to get good grades.

Now? I’m lucky if I get a page of writing or a single drawing done this week. And let’s not talk about my grades or studying habits. I still want to do so many things, but I just… can’t. So I get where you’re coming from. 

I don’t think the problem is that you’re getting dumber, per se, but that there is so much inflow of stimulus, that your brain doesn’t have enough time to absorb it and respond to it in a creative, or intellectual, way. 

While technology and internet isn’t evil, and are genuinely good things, too much of anything can be a bad thing. I’ve turned off notifications from my social media so that I’m not constantly pressured to check it and, therefore, constantly thinking about it. That works more effectively than doing a total social media ban. Maybe during busy days, such as exam week, you can delete the app so that you’re not constantly checking it. 

I’ve also started using social media in a more productive way. Instead of just aimlessly blogging on tumblr, I have a lifestyle and adulting blog where I help people and the resources I collect for it helps me understand life’s complexities a bit better. On instagram, instead of just following celebrities and meme accounts (don’t worry I have some of those too), I follow accounts that provide me with information or teach me something as well. 

It’s no secret that I’m trying to get back into drawing, and taking time out of my day to google “how to draw hands” is just so exasperating. Instead, I’m following art tutorial blogs and accounts, and using the “save” feature on insta to save the references. This way, I’m subconsciously absorbing the information in my regular mindless scrolling. And, to my surprise, when I did get around to actually drawing, I noticed that, while I was no Da Vinci, my drawing skills had gotten slightly better because I could recall those skills after constantly seeing them during my scrolling. 

TL;DR: Basically, take your unproductive but still habitual habits, and turn them productive without making it feel like work.

These are just ways that I’m trying to be more productive with the way I use social media, though you’re welcome to find other outlets. 

💋

[mariocki]

I was recently at an Oxfam bookshop, which is always a dangerous thing. I don't get to them often, but whenever I do I leave with far too much stuff. This time was no different, and I walked away with a bag full of books and records. Most exciting among my purchases, though, was a collected edition of the poems of William McGonagall.

I have long been after such a tome. For the uninitiated, McGonagall was a 19th century Scots poet and (by his own description) tragedian. This is him:

He is also often described as perhaps the worst poet who ever lived.

I've been a fan of McGonagall's work ever since I first came across The Famous Tay Whale, perhaps the best known of his poems. Like all of his work, it displays a total disregard for scansion; a rigid adherence to end-rhyme, no matter how strained; and a tendency toward utter literalism, forsaking metaphor or imagery in favour of simply describing what is in front of his eyes. An excerpt:

So the monster whale did sport and play

Among the innocent little fishes in the beautiful Tay,

Until he was seen by some men one day,

And they resolved to catch them without delay.

Taken by itself this might not seem so bad - it certainly isn't good - but McGonagall's poems all have a habit of going on slightly too long as well, so that he ultimately begins to repeat himself, and the more painful of the lines only get worse. I will say, though, that The Famous Tay Whale does contain perhaps my favourite of all McGonagall's stanzas:

Then the water did descend on the men in their boats,

Which wet their trousers and also their coats;

But it only made them the more determined to catch the whale,

But the whale shook at them his tail.

I mean, that's a triple whammy. You've got the horrible, awful lack of scanning between the third and fourth lines, the crazed reliance on rhyme, and the utterly extraneous detail of the wet coats. In a twisted way, this is art.

It feels sort of cruel to celebrate someone for being bad at something. But McGonagall really was very, very bad. Actually, there is some debate about whether or not he was 'in' on the joke - that he may have been a skilled music hall entertainer, who had created the character of The Great McGonagall in order to draw a crowd - and at the height of his fame, he was certainly very successful. There is enough oddness, however, and general eccentricity in his private life to convince me that McGonagall was entirely sincere in his belief of his artistic talents.

A greater reading of his work reveals some particular obsessions held by the poet. There are numerous poems dedicated to new buildings or elements of industry. The best known of these, I suppose, is the triptych of poems about the Tay Railway Bridge (the Tay itself figures in an alarming number of the poems). Some brief excerpts:

The Railway Bridge Of The Silvery Tay

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay!

And prosperity to Messrs Bouche and Grothe,

The famous engineers of the present day,

Who have succeeded in erecting the Railway

Bridge of the Silvery Tay,

Which stands unequalled to be seen

Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

The singling out of individuals for praise towards the end of the poem is another recurring motif in McGonagall's work. A little over a year after writing the above poem, the Tay Rail Bridge collapsed during a storm, whilst a train was crossing. The disaster moved the poet to write again:

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!

Alas! I am very sorry to say

That ninety lives have been taken away

On the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

Remember'd is a particularly frustrating word because the removal of that e does nothing to shorten the word or number of syllables when read aloud. Honestly, I can only assume McGonagall was doing it for the aesthetic. Regardless, when a replacement bridge was unveiled the poet once more put pen to paper:

An Address To The New Tay Bridge

Beautiful new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay,

With your strong brick piers and buttresses in so grand array,

And your thirteen central girders, which seem to my eye

Strong enough all windy storms to defy.

And as I gaze upon thee my heart feels gay,

Because thou are the greatest railway bridge of the present day,

And can be seen for miles away

As well as the Tay Rail Bridge, McGonagall captured numerous towns and cities with his pen; there are poems dedicated to Edinburgh, Glasgow, New York, Balmoral, Torquay, Perth, and several about his home town of Dundee. The poet also wrote on topical events, particularly disasters and battles (presumably where his title of Tragedian came from). Then there are addresses to particular people - to Queen Victoria, to Shakespeare, Tennyson, an unknown poet who poked fun at him, and to someone called J. Graham Henderson, presumably a tailor:

Lines In Praise Of Mr. J. Graham Henderson, Hawick

Success to Mr. J. Graham Henderson, who is a good man,

And to gainsay it there's few people can,

I say so from my own experience,

And experience is a great defence.

He is a good man, I venture to say,

Which I declare to the world without dismay,

Because he's given me a suit of Tweeds, magnificent to see,

So good that it cannot be surpassed in Dundee.

An excerpt from one of McGonagall's tragic tales:

The Disastrous Fire At Scarborough

Oh! It was horrible to see the flames leaping up all around,

While among the spectators the silence was profound,

As they saw a man climb out to the parapet high,

Resolved to save his life, or in the attempt to die!

And he gave one half frantic leap, with his heart full of woe,

And came down upon the roof of a public-house 20 feet below;

But, alas! He slipped and fell through the skylight,

And received cuts and bruises: oh, what a horrible sight!

It is lines such as the above that have undoubtedly caused people to question whether the writer was some kind of elaborate hoaxer; those are also the sort of lines that have won him diehard fans (J. K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett among them - both have made references to McGonagall in their work). Some have speculated that the poet may have been on the autism spectrum, and it's entirely possible. After writing to Queen Victoria to try and secure her patronage, and receiving an official rejection written by a royal functionary, McGonagall seems to have mistaken it for some form of validation from the Queen and would often describe her as an admirer of his work for the rest of her life.

It might seem cruel to draw attention to the work of an artist so clearly lacking in technical ability, but I am, like many others, genuinely fond of McGonagall and his work. A large part of the study of poetry is an attempt to get inside the mind, to understand the very soul of the poet. William McGonagall had a fascinating mind, and a unique soul.

I'll finish with a fragment, all that remains of an otherwise lost McGonagall poem, written to celebrate the unveiling of a statue of Robert Burns in Dundee in 1880:

The Burns Statue

This Statue, I must confess, is magnificent to see,

And I hope will long be appreciated by the people of Dundee;

It has been beautifully made by Sir John Steell,

And I hope the pangs of hunger he will never feel.

-

This statue is most elegant in its design,

And I hope will defy all weathers for a very long time;

And I hope strangers from afar with admiration will stare

On this beautiful statue of thee, Immortal Bard of Ayr.

-

Fellow-citizens, this Statue seems most beautiful to the eye,

Which would cause Kings and Queens for such a one to sigh,

And make them feel envious while passing by

In fear of not getting such a beautiful Statue after they die.

-

See where he sits on the stump of that tree

His eyes tuned to heaven his Mary to see,

A scroll at his feet, a pen in his hand

Writing to his Mary in the Better Land

[artificialqueens]

i've been too lonely too long (trixya) - cherry

a/n: hello, this is my first fic, ever. so be gentle pls. i hope that you all will enjoy it! this is also posted on ao3 under the user satinhorror! (also the song “the end of the world” by skeeter davis is mentioned throughout the fic, it’s not necessary but listen to it to understand some references)  

summary: it’s the early 70’s, katya’s on a roadtrip, trixie’s on tour, and the radio are playing sad songs for the sleepless. 

fic: 

when katya thinks about it, this is it. she’s racing through the dessert in a red cabriolet, just her and a duffle bag of necessities. she’s somewhere between huston and phoenix, closing in on tucson. she’s on the road, kinda like jack kerouac, but also kinda not. she’s visited a friend in florida, and is making her way to another one in san francisco; and maybe after that, she’ll make her way back to boston, just maybe. a pair of big square sunglasses shielding her eyes and a houndstooth pattern dress covering, well, not so much skin. lou reed’s shouting through the car radio and the sun’s melting the train tracks, making them twirl like a phone cord. a marlboro cigarette is hanging between slender fingers, her hand resting on the car door, whilst the other’s drumming on the steering wheel in rhythm to venus in furs. a dusty sign gives promises of a world class diner and a decent motel “now with a pool!”.  katya takes a drag from her cigarette, and swerves into the parking lot.

well in the diner she’s met by a hardworking air conditioner, and a jukebox playing johnny cash. she sighs, pulls her sunglasses up behind her blunt bangs and sits down by the counter. she orders a milkshake and a slice of cherry pie and eats slowly whilst getting through another chapter of william burroughs’ naked lunch. with her duffle bag in one hand and another marlboro in her mouth she gets a room for the night and throws up a few crumpled bills to the receptionist. mumbles a “thank you” when she’s given her key. her room is hotter than hell and though the sun may be close to setting the room’s been heating up all day. katya thinks about her options. waste a few hours in what feels like hell, or cool down in the pool? it’s an easy decision and katya quickly changes into her bikini and opens the windows, hoping the evening breeze will chill her room down.

katya enters the pool area, sunglasses once again resting on the bridge of her nose, the sun’s setting throwing an endless amount of shades of pink, orange and red across the sky. along the edge of the pool sits a group of people, not too far from katya’s age, she pays them no mind wanting nothing more than to drown in the blue. she eases into the water and feels it cool her blood and bones, resting her head against the edge. wonders to herself if she could have a cigarette in the pool, then scolds herself for the bad habit. she hears a voice, “ya know, i love your hair”, the vowels dragged out, and she can’t quite place the accent. katya follows the voice to its owner and realises it comes from the only other woman by the pool, sitting with a group of men. but katya doesn’t see the men, only the woman. she’s sat on the edge of the pool, her blonde hair up in a huge bun on her head. clad in a pink gingham bikini, her thighs thick and hips almost spilling out from the bikini bottoms, she’s oh so curvy and katya doesn’t want to be crude but katya also has to rip her stare away from the woman’s breasts. when she does reach her face her jaw drops. her eyes are dark and katya can’t tell the colour from where she is, but she guesses brown, her features are somehow soft and defined at the same time, and her lips. her lips holds a smile that has to have been carved out by what must have been god. katya squeezes out a “thank you”, after realising she’s staring at the woman like a creep. “what’s yous doin’ over there all by yourself”, the woman speaks again, raising a thick eyebrow, “come over mama!” katya softly scoffs at the mama, but walks over to the woman nonetheless. “trixie” - she introduces herself as, and katya likes the way the name makes her tongue moves to pronounce trixie. trixie starts talking, and katya finds out that trixie doesn’t stop talking once she’s started, but katya doesn’t mind.

it turns out trixie’s a semi-known country singer, who’s on tour, but she dreams endlessly about being something bigger. katya tells her she’s trying to be a writer but mainly ends up being a waitress. trixie laughs loudly, like sharp, shattered stars, at katya’s jokes. tells her about tours that never end, introduces katya to the men around them - her band - who turns out to be a lovely bunch, who ultimately decides to leave them alone after listening to them speak for no more than 20 minutes. trixie’s fingertips are are light and soft as feathers when she drags her fingers through katya’s blunt cut, choppy, blonde bob. slowly untangles the wavy mess whilst they tell each other about their childhoods. trixie growing up in rural wisconsin, hours away from any big city. and katya can finally place her accent. she puts her trust in katya. shakily tells her about her stepfather, who really didn’t like her, who beat her until she turned blue. “i had to move to my grandparents ’n so. but i s’pose there was good in that. my grandpa was the one who taught me to play guitar, he taught me how to sing. ya know, without him, i’d be stuck back up north”, trixie breathes deeply. katya can see that she’s shaking and takes trixie’s hands in hers, rubs her thumbs over them. “but you did get out, he must be so proud of you”, katya whispers and trixie looks up at her, smiling though her cheeks are stained with tears.

the sun’s long gone and before the cold of the night has a chance to set into their bones, they move to katya’s room. “i’m sorry”, trixie says, “ i didn’t mean to pour my heart out on ya, but i feel like i know you. must sound like an idiot but, we clicked, didn’t we mama”. katya hides a smile at the mamas that trixie throws around, but she can’t help but like how it sounds coming from her. “no yeah we did, don’t be ashamed trixie, i lost my shame a loong fucking time ago”, trixie laughs at that and katya does too. they sit down on her hotel bed, katya licks her lips and can feel how dry the are, she hopes her crimson lipstick still looks decent. notices how plump and soft trixie’s lips are, she almost reaches out to touch them. trixie asks about her childhood, and katya tells her about her russian parents, who moved from moscow to boston just before the cold war started. how it didn’t matter that they were professors and spoke perfect english, they were always seen as the immigrants, as the russian communists, the enemy. tells trixie how much they try to hide that they’re russian, how they never really spoke russian to katya and her siblings because it was best that they had as little of a visible connection to their home country as possible. katya tells trixie how her babushka almost cries when she’s on the phone with her, because her grandchildren can barely speak their own language. they look at each other, both breathing heavy, it feels like the calm before the storm. trixie reaches over to katya and hugs her. they sit like that, just holding each other for quite some time. katya can feel trixie’s heartbeat against her own chest, and if feels like she’s found a piece of herself.

“could you sing me one of your songs”, katya asks.

“really, ya wanna hear one of my songs?”, trixie looks surprised. “yeah of course, i can’t help but think you write beautiful songs”. they smile at each other, “well kat, i do appreciate that, most fuckers don’t even think i write my own songs. but let me tell ya, i do! but a lot of people don’t even think i have any brains”. trixie winks at katya before leaving the room, she comes back a few minutes later with an old battered up guitar. she sings katya songs about breaking someone’s heart, a town called bluegrass, and then one that makes katya want to ask trixie just who judy is. but she refrains. katya reads trixie some of her poetry, about people that she’s loved. hoping, really fucking hoping trixie won’t get disgusted and leave when she realises they’re not about men. but she stays, praises katya’s way with words, and katya blushes and can’t for some reason meet trixie’s eyes. trixie rolls katya’s hair up in curlers - because she always fails when she does it on herself. she smokes another cigarette. they turn on the radio and sing along to skeeter davis’ “the end of the world”, katya supposes they must be playing sad songs for the sleepless.

“trixie, do you ever get homesick?”, katya asks, they’re sitting next to each other and katya’s drawing never-ending patterns on trixie’s thigh. trixie shakes her head no and smiles. “me neither”, katya smiles back, and continues, “i suppose we both got restless blood in us”. and she can hear how trixie’s accent already has made its way onto katya’s tongue. “i’ll miss ya katya” “i’ll miss you too”

“you never told me, where are ya goin’?”, trixie crooks her head whilst she asks. “san francisco, i should be there the day after tomorrow. i’m staying with a friend there, at least for a month”, katya chips at her nail polish whilst she speaks, it’s a nervous thing, but she can’t understand why she is nervous. “i’m playing there, i mean san francisco, in ‘bout 2 weeks. would ya like to come meet me then?” katya smiles at her, “i’d want nothing more”. they make plans about guest lists and meeting spots and katya writes down the number to the friend she’ll be staying with, sloppily, on paper with the motels sigil. “call me, whenever.” trixie kisses her forehead so lovingly that katya almost melts, and then they fall asleep on each other.

katya wakes up alone, she sits up, confused, scans the room for traces of trixie. there’s a note on the nightstand.

“ katya!

i had to go, tour calls. i couldn’t bring myself to wake you at the ungodly hour i got up!

i’ll try calling you in 2 days & hope you’re in san francisco

love trixie xx “

katya feels something boil in her stomach, guesses it’s happiness. she balances a cigarette in her mouth whilst taking out the hair curlers, and studies her map-book. she should be able to make it halfway today, stay overnight in five points. she looks at herself in the mirror, takes a drag and puts her sunglasses on.

katya’s long back on highway 10 when she - unlike skeeter davis - understands why the birds sing, katya thinks she’s in love.

[fictionerd]

Chapter One: Out of Time Entry #3

“Grief is a powerful Motivator” - Rose

---Last Seed, 18th, 4E 201--- Well, the petty larceny went off without a hitch. I figure this "Brand Shei" fellow will be out of a cell by tomorrow morning once bureaucracy grinds itself out. Of course maybe the legal system has become draconian while I slept.

Speaking of sleep. I'd best get used to sleeping in the afternoons. Limit the time I spend in the sun until I find a workaround for that particular weakness.

I know the way I'v e been writing about this makes me seem flippant about the situation. I'm really not. It's eating away at the back of my mind, what I did to Grelod. The way it felt was- I don't really want to talk about it. If it had been traumatic that would be one thing. The problem is that the experience really wasn't. I guess that's the point. Who'd want to continue to live as a vampire if feeding scarred them mentally and emotionally?

Anyway. To bed I suppose. T'is good for mine complexion. Wouldn't want to burn my lovely skin.

Nope. It didn't make me feel better.

>I find myself facing a dilemma. Brynjolf offered to let me join his "organization". I'm one-hundred percent certain he means the thieves guild.

My dilemma is this: Being what I am it'd be a good idea to learn Skyrim's underground. I hold no illusions that I'll be able to indefinitely lead an above-board life. There will likely be times and reasons I need to duck out fo sight.

On the other hand: Sleighting a ring from some one's strongbox into some one else's pocket almost as a prank is one thing. I'm actively considering becoming a thief. I don't have a moral problem with the idea per se, but I'm uncertain if that's a road I want to travel.

Are the risks worth it? I just don't know.

I suppose I'll put the decision on hold. I should probably head back toward Windhelm and let Aretino know Grelod is dead. I may not have intended to fulfill his contract, but since it's done he may as well know so he can return to his friends here.

---Last Seed, 19th, 4E 201--- I fed again. As I was heading out to collect a bounty I felt the hunger start to grow again. Not wanting to go back to the starved state I awoke in I took full advantage when I found the bandit leader asleep in Nilheim. I could have stopped short of killing him, but since I was there to take his head anyway I allowed myself to indulge once more.

I need to not make a habit of that if I can help it. At some point restraint is going to be necessary. I can hear my mother in my head now.

"People live so that they can indulge themselves. The trick is learning when and when not to let yourself go."

>I've sat staring at this page for five minutes. I just remembered a detail about my childhood. I remembered my mother even for a brief moment. I remembered her face.

[Tear stains can be seen on the page]

Are my memories returning as I feed? Or is something else causing them to return?

> I slept fairly peacefully after my last entry. I face another evening now. Night stretches out before me. I've been in Riften two or three days now and no one has come to drag me off to prison so I guess I'm good to go. I'll head up to Windhelm tonight to give my report to Aretino.

I could buy a horse, but I think I'll stick to carriages for the moment. It just feels better to have human company whenever I can.

>I sit now recording this in Candlehearth hall. I arrived in Windhelm after some winding road travel north. It didn't take long all things considered, and the carriage driver was good company. Aretino was beyond pleased that I'd completed his request. I actually sat and talked with the boy for a little bit afterward. He told me he wanted to be an assassin when he grew up so he could help all kinds of kids just like me.

I thought that was precious. I know that most people wouldn't feel that way, but to me that sentiment was cute. Cute and oddly nostalgic. Did I want to be an assassin when I was younger? I think I did. Really the muscle memory I possess for fighting and the spells I could remember when I woke up seem to support the idea.

I had to have trained with very specific instruction to learn how to sneak around with several pounds of steel strapped to my back in the form of a honkin greatsword. Maybe the answers I'm looking for about my past will lie with the Dark Brotherhood?

It was mention of them that drew me to Aretino in the first place. The thought has merit. Unfortunately I don't have the slightest clue how to go about finding the brotherhood so I'll just keep trudging for now.

Getting familiar with Skyrim's underground just got a lot more appealing though.

---Last Seed, 20th, 4E 201--- I did not expect to enter the Windhelm hall of the dead of my own free will. At least not anytime soon.

After my last entry I decided to have a walk around the city, take in the night air, that sort of thing. I happened to be walking through the graveyard when I come upon the site of a murder. The victim was Susanna the Wicked from Candlehearth. I remember her from the night I first woke up. She actually flirted with me a little bit. I recall thinking that was a tad strange. Not unwelcome just strange.

Now she's dead, and unlike me she's not getting back up again without some necromantic assistance. So I decided to investigate. Got permission from the Jarl's steward and everything. I'm officially investigating a murder. Isn't that ironic?

The lady in charge of the Hall of the Dead only noted that the wounds seemed to have been inflicted with embalming tools. Specifically ancient nordic ones. I'd say that safely rules out most of the city's populace as the culprit. Now to find out the scholarly and eccentric types and narrow it down to one from there. Unless we're dealing with a secret cabal of killers all united by their love of embalming implements.

Helgird, the lady in charge here, looked at me funny because I giggled as that last thought crossed my mind. I think I'm developing a morbid sense of humor. Best get back out into the cold and track down my next lead. Shouldn't be any trouble. I've become very good at following blood trails recently.

>Suspicious, old, locked mansion? I do believe we have found ourselves a killer's lair. Wonder what the going rate in town is? I might need one in the forseeable future after all.

>Bingo! A journal discussing the exquisite nature of Susanna's tendons? Amid rablings about sources for flesh, blood, and other such things? Looks like I'm definitely on the right track. Let's see what else I find.

>Now THIS is interesting. A strange amulet found among a pile of these "Beware the Butcher" papers. Seems the killer has been tearing these down. Bad idea if you ask me. They're sort of asking to be caught doing something like that. What's their excuse for it? I doubt it'd stand up to scrutiny.

>And that's a necromantic ritual sight hidden behind a false cupboard. Shit. What have I gotten into here?

>Spoke to the steward about the clues I found in the spooky old mansion. He referred me to a "Viola Giordano" for the Butcher pamphlets and "Calixto" for the amulet. Let's get cracking we have a murder to solve and the sun's coming up.

>Spoke to Giordano about the Butcher's journals. She suspects a fellow by the monicker "Wuunferth the Unliving". If you ask me that's a bit too on-the-nose.

>All roads lead to Wuunferth it seems. According to Callixto the amulet is "The Wheelstone". It's a piece belonging to the court wizard of Windhelm. That'd be our boy the Unliving. I don't like Calixto though. He offered to buy the amulet off me. Ceremonial or not that doesn't seem like a good idea. Especially if the piece is as well-known as his attitude seemed to imply.

I could go to the steward with all this, but I believe I'll talk to Wuunferth directly. If he IS the killer and tries to make a move I'm confident five feet of steel will be enough to dissuade him. Especially at close quarters.

>The Necromancer's Amulet, eh? I think I'm going to go sell this to Calixto after all. Unless I miss my guess it'll be back in my hands again by midnight.

Needless to say my encounter with Wuunferth went well. He's an agreeable old chap in his own way. If he turns out to have set me up it's going to be a real let-down. I don't think he is though. Call it instinct. He has the air of a predator, or at the very least a formiddable presence. He doesn't strike me as a giggling maniac mumbling about flesh magic and killing young girls for spare parts.

>He wasn't home. Too bad. Well I guess I'll have a meal (a normal one) at Candlehearth and sleep the day away. Tonight I catch me a killer.

>And so Calixto, the Butcher, is laid low. I suppose any future reader of this journal will wonder how it is I knew Calixto was my man. Well it's quite simple, really. The idiot was displaying a set of the embalming tools he used to dismember the young women he killed right in plain sight in his little museum.

If Helgird had been the culprit she wouldn't have clued me in about the tools. If Wuunferth had been the killer why would he set me loose to patrol the city rather than quietly be rid of me while we were alone in his study?

All that being said I still wasn't absolutely certain. So I did patrol the city and spotted Calixto in the market as he drew steel to kill someone. I cast a Fury spell on him drawing his attention away long enough for his intended victim and a newly-arrived guard to fall on him. I may have also helped a bit. Now he lies dead in the snow and I feel satisfied with my work here.

Checked his little museum over after he died. Found his last journal. Seems he was trying to resurrect his sister. That's a motivation I can understand. I don't agree with it. Especially since he was building her a patchwork body of about ten or so people, but I get it. Grief is a powerful motivator. Let's hope it doesn't sink its claws into me.