#I've been wanting to have this conversation in person since before we went radio silence again

[sparxemberflame]

God damn it.

No matter how much I try not to I'm still here. Over three years and I'm still here.

Waiting. Whispering desperately to myself the truths and apologies and forgiveness and thank yous that I cannot give to you since you closed the door.

All the closure I've wanted for over three years now is to tell you I'm sorry, ask to be allowed to show the effort and change I've done, tell you you are forgiven for everything and thank you So Much for the honor it was to be your friend and partner.

That and to give you any and all closure you want as well. If I could just do that it'd finally be out of my goddamn head. Instead I keep repeating. Like a mantra, like a prayer. Hoping against hope I'll one day get to say it. And get to say it right.

I hope you don't have any thoughts like this. I wish all the best for you and hope that moving on has been easy. Somehow, despite it all. But fuck dude do I miss you. And boy do I wanna learn and meet who you've become.

But you don't even want to speak to me. That's alright. If all I can do for you is stay away. If all I can do is wait without expectation that the waiting will ever be rewarded. Then I'll do that. I can do that much at least.

[bunnyfern]

Chapter 2

Counting Sheep

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

“So, I have some rules before we get to my place.” I said looking over at him while he was backing out of the driveway. 

He looked confused but a bit curious too, “Ok, what are the rules?” 

“I have a few of them,” bringing my hand up ready to count them off. “First, is to not go in my room, it’s off limits.” With one finger up and him nodding and humming with agreement. 

“Second, is to not open anything you don’t need to. I don't want you snooping around and looking through my things." Another finger added and he hummed again. "Third is no touching my things, please. Mostly the stuff on the shelves and bookcase. But if it's junk, that's fine, you can move that." Almost finishing off, adding the last one. 

"And finally, I don't want you to judge how my apartment looks," I looked away, suddenly turning shy to admit this, "You're the first person I've been 'ok' with coming over, and I'm just not used to having anyone besides me there." Feeling the heat get to my face, I breathe in deeply trying to cool down. 

"You know I won't judge you," he spoke softer than usual, "I know you don't really want me there, but it's just to make sure you don't get hurt." A small sigh escapes his lips, "Well, any more hurt than you are now." I look towards my foot, a small laugh comes out and I say, "I don't think I'll break my other foot anytime soon." I hear a laugh come from him and catch a glimpse at him, biting the inside of my cheek and smiling to myself. 

Our conversation died down and since it would be a few more minutes before we get there, Isaac turned the volume up. We sat in comfortable silence, listening to whatever song was playing on the radio. Stealing a couple of glances at him, I thought about how we would be in the same room, sitting next to each other, maybe getting even closer. Accidently letting out an awkward laugh, I coughed to try and cover it up, hoping he wouldn't ask or notice. 

Ugh, I have to stop thinking about it and getting all weird. We've been together before so what's the difference this time. He's just here to help if something happens, like if I need to be picked up if I fall or carried to my bed...What the fuck? Where did that come from?

Trying to calm myself down and stop blushing, I close my eyes and take a deep breath to steady my heart. 

It'll be fine, nothing will happen. He doesn't like you like that, he just wants to make sure you don't do some stupid shit. Like falling and breaking something else...yeah.

Feeling my heart sink knowing that whatever I might want to happen, never would. I was starting to slowly zone out and not hear anything, then I felt a hand land on my shoulder. Jolting back, remembering that it was just Isaac, realizing that he parked and turned off the car. He looked at me and said, "We're here, I can carry your bag so you don't have to."

"Oh, sure, thanks." Passing the slightly heavy bag to him, he took it with ease and opened the car door to get out. 

With a deep sigh I opened the door and got out. Struggling a bit but Isaac had came around and stood nearby in case I needed any help. I tried to lead the way, even if that meant going at a slow pace and walking next to each other. Someone exited out the apartment building so Isaac caught the door, holding it open for me.

“Oh, I need to stop by the front desk,” I told him, walking inside and going towards it. “I need to see if any of my packages came. And then we can go to my place.” I looked up at him to see if he was ok with the pit-stop. 

“Yeah, alright. What are you expecting?” He questioned, both of us getting behind another tenant. 

“Just some paints and other stuff.” Not fully explaining what I bought, mostly because I forgot what I ordered. Moving forward I noticed it was my favorite worker, so I knew it would take awhile before we went upstairs.

“Oh dear, what happened to you?” Mrs. Reinberry, an older woman who’s friendly with almost everyone in the building, asked worriedly. Trying to look over the counter to see the cast.

“Nothing much. Just accidentally broke my leg.” Nonchalantly playing off the severity of the pain. “I landed wrong and fell, so now I got this cast on for about a month.” Defeat, clear in my voice and still not happy at the situation but smiling anyways. 

She still looked worried, even if I did try to play it off, she knew how painful it might’ve been. “I’m sorry about that, is there anything you need? I know it’ll be hard if you’re by yourself. I don’t want you to fall and no one be there to help you up. I can accompany you up to your place and stay for a while” Not realizing that the person next to me is here only to help me. 

Isaac stood there not knowing if he should say something, but he did scoot slightly closer to me and adjusted the bag behind him, maybe trying to let her know he was with me. She noticed it and looked over at him and then back at me. I tried to talk first before she said anything embarrassing but failed.

“And who’s this? Is he your boyfriend? I've never seen him around here before." She got a second look at him and felt my face heat up again. Covering the side of her mouth, she leaned in and 'whispered' to me, “Oh, is he one of the friends you keep telling me about? Which one is he?” Making it sound weirder than it has to be.

“What-oh no. Uh yeah, this is Isaac. He’s here to help me if something happens.” I didn’t want to look at him but I felt his eyes on me, probably wondering why she might’ve heard of him and the others before. I wanted the conversation to end quicker to save myself from anymore embarrassment so I just asked if I had any mail. 

Mrs. Reinberry said there were two packages so she’ll get them, leaving to go to the other room. I hoped he wouldn’t ask but I wasn’t so lucky. He was still looking at me, turning his head to see my face. Trying to get a reaction out of me but I kept turning my head to the side ignoring him as best as I could.

I didn’t want to make eye contact in case I might say something stupid. Thankfully she came back before he got to ask, carrying two medium sized boxes. 

“Here you go, they dropped them off a few hours after you left.” Placing them on the counter and sliding them closer to us. Before I got the chance to ask, Isaac was already grabbing them and holding it, being careful of the contents inside. I thanked Mrs. Reinberry and told her bye, motioning towards the elevator to Isaac.

I pushed the button since he had his hands full and waited only a few seconds before it beeped. We went in and I pressed the 4th floor button, waiting for the doors to shut and take us up. 

“You talk about us to that lady?” He finally had a chance to ask once we were alone, he sounded amused. I had a hard time finding the right words, something that won’t make it seem like she’s my only friend, besides the guys. I talk to her about them since I don’t really have anyone else to talk to, but it's sort of comforting and nice. 

“Mrs. Reinberry…knows about you guys.” I slowly said, not revealing how much I say. “She’s really talkative, and kinda nosey. But she’s nice.” Hoping to not explain it any further since I wasn’t expecting him to overhear her, even if she did do a bad job of whispering.

I still couldn't look him in the face so I just stared ahead, finding interest in the doors. Glancing up at the numbers and noticing that we finally got to the fourth floor. Calming down my nerves was a struggle, somebody besides myself was going to be in my space, a space that was so hard to finally have to myself. 

The doors opened and Isaac placed his foot so they wouldn’t close. There wasn’t anything else I could do to stall so I just went ahead, bracing myself for the night. My place was at the end of the hall so at least if someone wanted to pass by I wasn’t in their way. Once we made it to my door I stopped and looked at Isaac, he had my bag so I had to grab my keys to unlock it. 

He had the bag in the back so I asked, “Can I see my bag please, I need to get my keys out.” All he said was yeah and turned around so the bag faced me instead. He wasn't close so I reached my hand out and pulled him near me to look inside. I unlatched and dug around in the front pocket to find the keys, feeling cold metal I fished it out. It was easy to find the right keys, I only had four and two of them were for the locks. 

Unlocking the top and bottom, I pushed the door open and invited him in first so I could lock it behind me. He took a few steps inside and was looking around at everything that I have, countless trinkets that I've collected over the years and various art projects and supplies. I sighed for the millionth time and closed the door, preparing for the night spent with him and whatever awaits us. 

“You can just put the boxes on the table.” Pointing my crutches at the square coffee table next to him on his left. It was a decently spacious apartment with two rooms, a bathroom, and nice windows but with all the stuff I have, it made it seem smaller than it was. “Do you want something to drink? I have some water, juice and pop.” Going to the right into the kitchen, getting myself something to drink. 

“Water is fine, thanks.” Finding an empty space on the messy table and putting it down. 

Opening the fridge and getting two water bottles and a bowl of cut up strawberries out, placing them on the clean counter. Isaac came over and took the three items, moving back to put them on the table and sitting down on the blanket covered couch. 

“Sorry ‘bout the mess and blankets, I was in the middle of working and I get cold easily.” Meeting him at the couch and tossing the blankets to the arm of the couch near the wall. I sat down and tried to clean the mess up, or at least organize it. Finding the blade to open the boxes, I got the top one and put it on my lap. 

Cutting it open I saw it was the paint I needed refills on. Taking each one out to make sure none were open or damaged. 

Isaac took a peek in the box, seeing the different colors and shades. “You bought paint? I didn’t know you painted.” 

“Well, technically no. I don't do ‘paintings’ but I do paint the props I make.” Paying more attention to the paint containers rather than him at the moment. Putting the first box on the ground and picking up the second one to check.

“Props? As in..?” He looked around the room again, now noticing the few completed pieces hanging on the wall and the multiple works in progress littering the floor. I turned to look at him and explained a bit more, turning on the tv so it wouldn’t be so quiet. 

“Like weapons, wands and stuff like that for cosplays. Mostly from anime, games, and even cartoons sometimes.” waving my hand around. Seeing that the other box had some premade items that I couldn't make. Inspecting the items to make sure these weren’t damaged either and placing it on top of the first box. 

I took my shoe off and threw it by the door with the others, not caring about it being neat right now. I sat back on the couch, watching the tv play some show that I had watched a million times before and asking Isaac if he wanted to change it. He was fine with it and got comfortable too, taking his shoes off and handing me my bag. Thanking him and taking my phone out before I forget about it later. 

“So you cosplay? You got a lot of weapons here.” I was surprised that he wanted to know more about it. 

“Very, very few times. But most of this is from commissions, which I still need to finish.” Dreading that I need to continue working but sort of glad I have all the time in the world now, or at least for a month. He just nodded his head and went back to watching tv, sometimes going on his phone, going back and forth between the two. “If you get hungry or something, we can order some food. I don’t want to cook and I don't want you to do more than you have to.” I offered mostly because I was starting to feel a bit hungry and hoped he was too. 

He checked the time and saw that it was almost 6 pm, and from the amount of time we spent recording and then bringing me back, he decided he was getting hungry too. I gave him a few options, mostly the ones who deliver since neither of us would drive out to pick it up. After we chose, I called to order our food and have it delivered, with them saying it’ll be about 25 minutes till it arrives. We went back to awkward silence, well I thought it was awkward, never really being a talkative person so hopefully 25 minutes will pass soon. 

And remembering again that I have a cast on, I thought about something else, “How am I gonna shower later?” thinking out loud. I saw Isaac look at me and kept rambling to mostly myself. “I mean, I know how, but how?” gesturing towards the cast that I definitely can’t get wet. If that happened then I would hate it even more and try to rip it off.

“We can wrap it in trash bags.” Isaac suggested. I shook my head no, I thought it would take too much work if it didn’t cover the whole thing. And I would have wet trash bags that I can’t use until they're dry again.

“Oh, I can use plastic wrap. I should have some left over, if I didn’t finish it all.” Using it for most of my props I usually buy extra, so I should have some left over. “Now the problem is where. I just need to figure out where I put it.” 

Kicking things around the floor with my good foot to see if it’s buried under anything, Isaac did the same except more careful. Seeing it wasn’t here I figured it was in the other room I designated as my 'office'. Getting up, Isaac moved out of the way asking where I was going. “I’m gonna check if I left it in the other room.”

“I can go check. You don’t have to get up.” Isaac tried to help but I declined, he wouldn’t know where anything was and I didn’t want him to accidentally hurt himself.

“You don’t know where it’s at-” I got cut off by Isaac, “You don’t know either.” He wasn’t wrong but I didn’t want to confirm that so I kept going. “Shut up. I haven’t cleaned yet and I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

“Aww, you care about me.” Isaac said sarcastically, following me into the next room.

“Sure.” Rolling my eyes at him and pushed open the door. Scanning around to see if I could spot it easily. Not having any luck I went to my desk in the corner and opened the drawers, still not having any luck. Isaac was looking at the stuff I had rather than really looking for the plastic wrap, which I was fine with. But it was a weird feeling, I couldn’t tell if he was silently judging me or not so I focused back on the task at hand. “It should still be in the red box, so it might be easier to find.”

Shifting my focus towards the floor, I sat down and rummaged around and organized some stuff in the process. It was a few minutes of silence between us, hearing the tv play faintly in the background. I heard Isaac shuffle papers and other scraps until he stopped. 

“Is this it? I think I found it.” He came closer and held out the plastic wrap in his hand, not in the red box but outside it. Thankfully it had enough, or as much as we might need. 

Isaac helped me off the floor, grabbing my hands and pulling me up. Giving me my crutches and going back into the living room with the plastic wrap in his pocket, leaving me inside the room by myself and my thoughts. 

His hands are warm. Realizing I said that I face palmed, Shut up, ugh. This’ll be a long night.

I really needed to stop thinking like that, nothing will happen. Not acknowledging that maybe I did want something to happen but also knowing that if I tried to do anything and he doesn’t feel the same, then my friendship with him and the others will crumble. I didn’t want to put that at risk, having friends is better than losing them and I didn’t want to lose anymore than I already had.

Falling back on the couch with the crutches in front of me I saw that Isaac was on his phone, feeling a bit guilty for some reason. He was here to help me, a guest at my place, so maybe I should not bore him to death.

Before I got the chance to talk, I was cut off by knocking, shockingly the food had arrived and I didn’t have to wallow in my senseless fear anymore. Isaac got up with the cash that I handed him, paying the delivery guy and grabbing the food. I tried to clean most of the mess off the table by moving it towards the floor by my feet under the table. He placed it down and I took the food out, figuring out what was in the boxes and who’s it was.

We began eating in comfortable silence, for once, and I told him again he could change the show to what he wanted but he denied again. Not asking anymore I turned to watch tv, every once in a while we would talk. About the show, or if the food is good, or he would just ask questions about what I was working on. 

It was a nice feeling, having someone over, even if the only reason they're here is to watch over you. They at least care enough to actually be here, it was something to think about and be glad over. I guess I was in my head for too long cause Isaac was calling my name, only snapping out of it when he touched my shoulder.

“You good?” Worry, clear in his voice.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Brushing it off and finishing my food, putting the empty container back in the bag for trash. Letting the food settle in my stomach before heading to shower, stalling as long as I could and dreading the problems I might have. After 5 minutes Isaac could tell I was stalling, it was getting near 8 pm and I had to shower soon. 

“I’m gonna use the bathroom before you shower, is that cool?” Looking at me. I just nodded and he left. Knowing where it was since he passed it on the way from the other room. Telling myself that I had to get up and go to my room and get fresh, not stinky, clothes. Something that’ll easily go over the cast and not bother me when I sleep.

I got up and went to my room, closing the door behind me so Isaac couldn’t see in. The one thing I truly don’t want is someone besides me inside, it was my space and it had some embarrassing stuff everywhere. Going to the dresser I pulled out a tank top, underwear and basketball shorts. I don’t play sports but I had it for whenever I painted and I was fine with it getting dirty. Seeing it’ll go over the cast with no problem. Sliding the closet open to grab a hoodie, only wearing it when I’m not in my room and to not accidentally show Isaac my fucked up arms. 

Hearing Isaac exit the bathroom, I left my room too, going inside the bathroom to put my clothes on the hamper. I went back to the living room and politely asked Isaac for help with putting the plastic wrap on, sitting on the edge of the couch. Close enough for him to reach but not too close that he can hear my breathing.

Without warning, he lifted my leg onto his lap, freaking me out more than I would like to admit. Flinching my leg back when he grabbed it, scaring him too, and moving it away from him. Clenching my fists together so hard I might start bleeding.

He saw my expression and just thought I was in pain. “Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to.”

In a hushed steady voice and calming down I opened my hands and pushed my palms down onto the sofa. “It’s cool…just warn me next time.”

All he did was nod and continue wrapping my leg up, not saying anything else. He was going slow, gently holding my leg up with one arm while the other wrapped. Thankfully he was only touching the cast and not my actual leg, otherwise I would be blushing red and heated in the face. Not like I wasn’t slightly red or warm now. I just watched him, being so gentle as if he was caring for an injured rabbit and not a person.

He let go of my leg once he was finished so I lowered my leg back down and he put the plastic wrap on the table. Mumbling a thanks and getting up to head to the bathroom to start the shower. I entered and locked the door behind me, just standing there for a while and thinking. Slightly shaking from the interaction, wondering if he thought I was just in pain or something else. Burying it to the back of my mind, I turned the cold knob of the shower on to get rid of the stench of today.

It was difficult to say the least and took way longer than usual. Washing, or attempting to wash, my hair was the worst part, having to lean back enough to rinse but not too much my back starts hurting. Except that my arms got tired quickly so I just dropped them, shampoo still in my hair and dripping onto the floor. The events of today just wanting to scream out and cry, knowing no one would hear me even if I did. 

Scrubbing the conditioner in, I went on auto-pilot just running my fingers through my hair again and again. Focusing on the tiles in front of me and noticing a small speck of dry soap, staring at it before reaching my hand out to scrap it off. Scratching away even after it came off, repeating the motion to just let my mind wander. I felt soap get in my eye, a harsh sting bringing me back to remember what I was doing. Desperately wiping but failing and making it worse. Deciding to reach for the towel to help, forgetting I put my phone, ring and bracelets on top. 

Causing all of it to fall and scatter, it was loud enough that Isaac heard from the other room and came knocking on the door. Worried I might have injured myself and needed help.

“Are you okay? What happened?” He asked through the door, loud enough for me to hear over the running water.

“I just accidentally dropped something, sorry.” Saying loud enough for him to hear, wiping my eye with the soft towel. Breathing in and out to calm my emotions down so I won’t get overwhelmed with everything happening. 

In.

“Okay, if you need help just let me know.” Isaac said before he went back. Probably not making my case any better that I would be fine by myself, I just needed to be more careful. 

Out.

In a few hours he'll go to sleep and then when morning comes, he’ll leave and I'll be by myself again. 

Practically stabbing myself in the chest again by saying that and not fully admitting to wanting him to stay. Making me groan and curse to myself for thinking like that, I’ve gotten this far in life with no one’s help so how is it any different now. After rinsing out the conditioner I moved on to the body wash, pouring the vanilla scented soap in my hands so I have better control of where it goes, still cautious of the cast.

Getting as close as I could to the edge of the cast, still leaving enough room so it wouldn’t go in accidentally. Rinsing off for the final time with cold water. Turning it off, only to stay sitting and letting the air dry me off for a second. My efforts to move were slow, making me lose more energy than ever. 

I shoved my face in the soft towel and started to dry off, leaving my hair last. Reaching over to pick up the jewelry I dropped, putting them back on and placing my phone on the sink. Standing up to dry the rest of my body off, wobbling but I steadied myself. All I had to do was put my shorts and shirt on, leaving the hoodie until very last. Using the towel for my hair and being satisfied with it being a little damp. Looking at myself in the mirror, seeing just how exhausted I am by my eye bags. 

I traced my fingers over the dark bluish-gray eye bags, liking the way I look less and less. None of the guys ever see my face this late at night, or at all sometimes, but now Isaac was about to. Wondering if he would make any comments about it, worrying if he would judge my appearance. That’s the least of my worries, the most is how I’ll be able to sleep. If I even can, my insomnia has been getting worse over the past few days. 

Just hoping I can fall asleep tonight or for about an hour. Wearing the hoodie and putting my phone in the pocket I left the bathroom, stopping by my room to get my glasses. I went into the living room to see how Isaac was doing, sitting back in my spot from before. While I was in the shower he changed the show to something I didn’t know and was watching it. 

“I can change it back.” He turned to face me, surprised I had glasses on now. “Since when did you wear glasses?” still staring at me and not the tv.

“For a few years now. I just need it for reading so I don’t wear it out.” Answering him and turning sideways on the couch facing him and to get more comfortable. Bringing my laptop from the floor up and placing it on my lap, turning it on. 

He kept staring until he just nodded and kept watching tv, not changing it. It got me thinking about how he’s learned more things about me in this short amount of time than usual. I never really tell anyone anything about me, usually learning more about them instead.

I was scrolling through my emails to see if I got any new notifications. Isaac spoke again, wanting to know more. 

“If you didn’t have that cast and I wasn’t here, what would you be doing now?” Glancing at me when he asked.

Being caught off by that question I had to think, “Uhhh..” Having trouble thinking of something that doesn’t make me a loser, fiddling with my ring to think.

Jerking off. Laughing to myself, waving it off and clearing my throat when he looked at me confused.

“Umm probably just the same as now, except by myself. Of course. Watching tv or listening to music, working on art stuff. I don’t do much.” Adding a small laugh at the end, knowing how boring it must sound.

He just hummed and asked another question, “What about when you hang out with your friends? Do they not come over?”

My heart was acting crazy today as it stopped for a second, pausing my scrolling and steadying my shaky fingers. I wasn’t sure what to say, do I lie and make something up…Or do I tell him I’m pathetic and don’t have any other friends, prepared to have him pity me. Not sure which one would end with me hating myself more for probably the rest of my life.

I guess I was taking too long to answer because Isaac glanced back over at me, probably thinking I didn’t hear his question. Before he repeated it, I saw an email for a confirmation on a reservation I had made a few weeks ago.

“Shit.” Throwing my head back and groaning. Covering my eyes with my sweater arms and messing with my drying hair.

“What?” He sounded worried, unsure of what just happened.

Looking back at my screen, I mentioned to him, “I forgot I reserved a time slot for a video idea I was gonna do. Ugghhh, now I have to reschedule it. Hopefully they can get me back in a month.” Annoyed that now I have to hold off on recording until next month, needing to send out emails to a few places and people.

“What kinda video did you plan? Maybe you can still do it.” Calming down when it wasn't something serious. Isaac was trying to cheer me up, which was sweet but it wasn’t going to work sadly.

While I was looking through the emails, I said “It took forever to find a time they were free. It was gonna be a baking video, and I need to stand up and move around so it wouldn’t work out. This fucking sucks.” I sent an email out, saying I had to cancel and hopefully they can let me reschedule it. It’s barely been a day and I’m already feeling exhausted from everything and nothing all at the same time.

Isaac wasn’t sure what to say so he just said damn, fidgeting on the couch. I was too busy to realize that he may have been a little uncomfortable by my negative reaction. It was easy for me to get upset over something, even the smallest thing would get me irritated. After sending the emails out, I glanced up and noticed it so I tried to lighten the mood a bit.

Thinking a joke might work, “At least that means I can spend more time here. Now I don’t have to worry about setting something on fire.” Laughing at the bad joke. He laughed too, making me feel at ease. Glad I didn't sour the mood and make him regret coming here.

I went back on the laptop, zoning out and thinking. Noticing the time getting closer to 10 pm, the time flying by quickly. Not feeling tired yet, or at all, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t keeping him awake either.

“If you get tired I can leave, I don’t want you to stay up just cause of me.” Shutting the laptop half way, just in case he was ready to sleep. 

“Nah, I’m good. Are you tired?” Isaac moved to reposition himself, mostly sitting the same way I was. Except stretching his legs out more since he was taller, taking up more space than me.

I shook my head no, “It’ll be awhile till I go to sleep. Probably at like, 2 or 3 in the morning.” Reopening the laptop to scroll through youtube, finding something to watch.

He wasn’t shocked at that, everyone knew I had the worst sleeping schedule out of all of them. Sometimes not even sleeping for 2 nights, but that was mostly when I didn’t have any pills left and needed a refill.

“Why do you sleep that late?” he asked. I just raised my eyebrows at him, wondering why he seemed so interested in my life. “Just wondering, didn’t mean to sound rude.”

I snorted, I didn’t think he sounded rude, just nosey. “I’m an insomniac, have been for a long time.” Dragging out the ‘long’. “So it’s hard to fall asleep or even feel tired at all.” Shrugging it off like it wasn’t a big deal, which it wasn’t to me but I guess he thought it was.

“Oh fuck, sorry.” He said. This was the last thing I needed to hear from anyone, him feeling sorry for me. 

“You don’t need to be sorry, it’s not like it's your fault. It’s my parents fault.” Straining out a quick laugh and blurting the last part out without thinking. We never really talk about this kind of stuff so I wasn't sure how he would react and hoped he wouldn't try to pry. Swallowing a lump in my throat, I hoped he didn’t want to continue this conversation and just play it off like a joke. I guess from all the odd reactions/ behavior I had from tonight it didn't make it any better.

And unfortunately, this wasn’t my lucky day. Or night.

[leelee10898]

Hurricane: Getaway Car (12/?)

Pairing: Liam x Jenna

Book: TRR

Word count: 2,500

Warnings: violence, language, mentions of 🍋

A/N: this chapter is for @choicesflashfics weekly prompts, using the prompt: "I've been in love. It's painful,  pointless, and overrated."

Hurricane is an ongoing series, you can catch up HERE

"Is it true, Liam?" She asked again. 

"Jenna," Liam started to speak, reaching out for her." Let's jus-" 

 "No!" She cut him off, pulling away from him. "Do not touch me. I need to know if it's true." 

Liam hung his head in defeat, trying to find the right thing to say. "Can you? Will you just. Jenna, can we please talk about this inside?" He lifted his head giving her a  pleading look,  not wanting to have this conversation outside in the hall for every single person within earshot. 

She moved past him, pushing her way into his quarters. Her eyes wandered the room, his smell engulfed her senses. Nothing had changed since the last time she had been there, she pushed the thoughts from her mind and focused her attention on Liam who was standing cautiously by the now-closed door. 

"Well?" She spoke, arms folded across her chest. 

"I know you're upset but, you have to understand why I made that stupid pact in the first place." Liam started and she scoffed, rolling her eyes. 

"Upset? I'm more than upset Liam. How could you not tell me? Jesus Christ we had sex, you declared your love for me,  telling me you would wait for me. All the while you conveniently left out one HUGE detail." 

"I'm sorry. I should have told you, you shouldn't have found out from Hana." Liam reached out for her hand and Jenna snatched it away. 

"You think? What did you think was going to happen? Did you just think you would go through with things exactly like the last time? I can't do that again Liam. I refuse to be the woman you love in the dark while you fake it with someone else in the light." 

"That's not it, Jenna. I would never put you through that again. I love you, I want you and only you. I have no plans on going through with marrying Hana. Love, you have to believe me." 

"I am having a hard time believing anything coming from your mouth right now. To stand there and act stupid, like you had no idea what I was asking." She seethed, pacing the floor. So many things went through her mind but one thing stuck out in particular, she stopped and turned her attention back towards him. "How did you know Hana was the one who told me?" 

"Um. Well. About that." He chuckled nervously. 

"What did you do Liam?" 

"Listen, love, you have to know that everything I do is to protect you." 

"Liam."

"Ah," Liam nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He had managed to work himself into a gigantic mess. "The apple pendant is a camera." He finally admitted. 

Jenna's jaw dropped in shock. That's how the guards knew she was coming, they were ready for her and it was because Liam told them because he was watching her. "You. You're spying on me?" 

"No. No! it's not like that. Jenna please, can we just sit down and discuss all of this? I know it looks bad. Really, really bad." Liam approached her cautiously,  placing his hands on her shoulders.  "If you could just hear me out." 

"I. This is too much. This was a mistake. I  shouldn't have come here." Jenna shrugged his hands off her shoulders and pushed past him and out the door. 

Liam hung his head in defeat, he wanted to chase her down and explain everything to her but he didn't want to push her too far. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone dialing a number. 

"I need your help."

******

Jenna pulled up out front of Ramsford and killed the engine. She spent the whole ride in utter silence, with no radio, nothing to drown out a million things racing through her mind. It took every ounce of willpower to not break down during the drive, she could feel everything bubbling to the surface,  placing her hands back on top of the steering wheel she let out a shaky breath before the tears started to flow freely.  She didn't come to Cordonia to win Liam back, she came for herself, but the thought was always in the back of her mind. He confessed his love,  he told her he wanted to be with her, that he would wait. She should have known it was all a lie. 

The outside light flicked on and she pulled herself together, wiping her tears and checking her face in the mirror for running mascara.  She exited the car and walked inside, closing the door behind her. It was quiet, a little too quiet for her liking. The quiet led to thoughts and urges she didn't want to have. She made her way down the hall and into Bertrand's study approaching the bar cart. She stood in front of it, looking at the options, the bottle of whiskey seemed to be calling out to her. She reached her hand forward and then froze,  "No." She said, "You're stronger than this, you're stronger than all of this." Fresh tears now stung her eyes, threatening to spill over. 

"You ok Mahoney?" The gruff voice took her by surprise. 

"What are you doing here Drake?" She sniffled, spinning around. "Liam called you, didn't he?" 

 When he didn't answer she shook her head and let out a sigh.  "Of course he did. I'm going to bed." She turned and started up the stairs, Drake followed her. 

"Don't be like that Mahoney, come on." He called out but she ignored him, continuing her way up the stairs.  "Mahoney.  Mahoney.  Jenna,  stop!" He shouted. 

Jenna stopped at her door, twisted the knob, and walked inside. She left the door open and Drake followed her inside,  closing it behind him. 

"He lied to me, Drake. How could I have been so stupid? Why am I even here? Why do I care about clearing my name?" The tears flowed freely now. 

"Mahoney." Drake sighed pulling her into his chest. "Look I know you're angry, hurt, confused, and more but, you're here because you love Liam and he loves you. And before you argue with me about him lying, and whatever else you'd like to just know that everything he has done is to protect you." 

"Then why didn't he tell me about his pact to marry Hana?" 

"Hell Mahoney I don't know. Probably because he was drunk when he did it, he also told Hana that he couldn't go through with it afterward." 

"Wait, he did?" 

"Yup. But knowing you, you blew up. Shut down and leave before he could explain things, didn't you?" 

"Maybe.." Jenna stretched the word sitting on the side of the bed. "I'm still mad at him for lying and I'm not ready to talk to him." 

"Yeah. I figured as much." Drake stood from the bed. "Just sleep on it. I'll be down the hall if you need me " Drake walked to the door, turning back to look at her. "Oh and Mahoney," 

"Yeah?" 

"He was a mess when you left tonight,  he's got a lot on his plate, cut him a little slack." 

"I'll take that under advisement." Jenna gave him a weak smile, he nodded and closed the door behind him. 

Jenna collapsed onto the bed, the events of the past few weeks heavy on her mind. She closed her eyes, the exhaustion of the day's events taking over,  the next thing she knew she awoke to the sound of a loud pounding on the door. Still fully clothed she jumped up and grabbed the door.  

"Jesus, it's like trying to wake the dead in here " Drake grumbled. 

"Sorry. I crashed pretty hard last night." Jenna rubbed the sleep from her eyes. 

"I would say, it's 1:00."

"PM?!" She shouted. "Drake, why'd you let me sleep so long?" Jenna panicked, grabbing her phone. She had 37 text messages and 28 missed calls. Most from Olivia, a few from Liam begging her to call him. 

"Yeah, Liv has been blowing up my phone. She's back in Lythikos, sounds like she found something." 

"Then what are we still doing here?" Jenna threw her hands up in the air, before grabbing her suitcase and tossing the little bit of belongings she brought with her inside. 

"Don't you want to eat or shower?" Drake arched his brow as the luggage hit the floor. 

"Nope. I will worry about all that later." She stated, earning a Judgmental look from Drake.  "Fine, I'll grab something from the kitchen before we go, I'll shower later." 

"You're forgetting something." Drake walked over to the dresser, picking up the apple pendant Liam gave her. Jenna rolled her eyes. "Be mad all you want but, this is important Mahoney, if it wasn't for this we would have never seen Hana hand the waiter from Regina's party something." 

Jenna's eyes widened, since she just learned it was a camera she hadn't even thought that it might have picked things she wasn't paying attention to. "I didn't know." She whispered. Drake held it out and she plucked it from his hand, tossing it into her bag. "Fine. Let's just go. Lythikos is three hours away, you're driving." She smirked, pushing past him. 

Meanwhile at the Palace….

Liam had spent the majority of the day in and out of meetings. He had finished his last grueling meeting of the day with Neville who was petitioning the crown to invest more money into his family's golf course so the country could generate more revenue. It was a good idea, the pitch was even perfect except for the person delivering it. Liam poured himself a large glass of scotch and tossed himself into his chair. He picked up his phone, it was now 4 pm, and not a word from Jenna. Drake had texted him around 2 that he and Jenna were heading to Lythkios, but nothing after that. 

"Knock. Knock." A voice came from the door, Liam looked up to see Hana standing there. 

He tucked his phone into his pocket forcing a smile. Liam had grown close to Hana in the few months since he ended his engagement to Madeline and Jenna left. Now he questioned if he ever really knew her. "Hana, what a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting you today, what brings you by?" He feigned interest in her visit. 

"Don't tell me you forgot?" Hana walked further inside and sat down on the couch. "We had dinner plans." 

Liam looked down at his calendar realizing they had made plans weeks ago. "I'm so sorry Hana, it has been a busy couple of weeks, it completely slipped my mind." 

"It has been a busy couple of weeks, what with Jenna coming back and all," Hana leaned forward closer to Liam's desk. "I have to ask because we haven't spoken about it but, how are you doing with her back?" 

Liam reclined back in his chair in silence,  contemplating his words. Hana had been a friend before but how much of that was real? "It stirs some feelings up." He finally spoke.  

Hana let out a sigh. "You still love her don't you?" The look on Liam's face told her all she needed to know. "Liam, remember what happened before.  You're king, you have to think of your country, not some girl." 

"Spoken like someone who's never been in love before." He shook his head. 

"I've been in love. It's painful,  pointless, and overrated." Hana answered coldly.

"Well, I feel sorry for you then Hana. Because yes, love can be painful but it also brings joy, I like to think it gives life meaning." 

"Liam, I am going to be blunt with you.  I think you're wasting your time and energy on her. I know you loved her once, I know she broke your heart and made you a laughingstock of the court. Don't make the same mistakes again." Hana stood, walking to Liam's side. "You have the potential to become the best king this country has ever seen, you just need someone strong by your side." Hana trailed her fingertips along his arm. 

"Hana," Liam warned. 

"We made a pact Liam, I can help you be great." She smirked. 

*****

Drake and Jenna were about an hour and a half into their drive to Lythikos.  Stopping a few times for coffee and bathroom breaks. It was now inching closer to 5 pm, the sun had started to set making the twist and turns of the countryside a little darker. Drake kept glancing up in his mirror but kept a steady pace. Jenna stared out the window watching the trees and houses pass by, her mind on the events of the day before playing over and over again. 

"Everything ok?" She asked, noticing Drake's constant checking of his mirror and the worry etched on his face. 

"I think we're being followed." He finally spoke. 

"What!? How do you know?" 

"This SUV has been behind us for the past half hour, pretty sure it followed us out of that last stop." 

"Ok maybe they're also going to Lythkios, maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe it's one of the Royal Guard cars, maybe Liam sent one for protection you know since he is so hell-bent on it. " Jenna began to panic. 

"That doesn't look like one of their SUVs Mahoney." Drake stated, "Why don't you Text Liam and ask." 

"Can you? I'm not ready to reach out." Jenna whined. 

"Mahoney,  I'm driving here. We may be being followed, get your head out of your ass and text Liam!" Drake barked, Jenna flinched.  Drake usually kept his cool under most circumstances,  the fact he did just now told her he was genuinely worried. She put on her big girl panties and fired off a text asking Liam if he sent someone to tail them. The response came back almost immediately.  

"He didn't send anyone," Jenna answered quickly and a feeling of numbness came over her, fear, she was now afraid

Drake was familiar with the area, he knew there was a turn-off just up ahead, "hold on tight." He ordered and quickly took the turn,  picking up speed. A minute later the same SUV quickly rounded the turn and they knew they were being followed. 

At the palace… 

Liam picked up his phone, his heart raced when Jenna's name popped up on the screen. He stood quickly,  hiding his phone from Hanas view as he moved away from her. 

Drake wants to know if you sent someone to follow us.  The text read a slew of emotions filled him. 

No. Is everything ok? What's going on? Where are you now? 

He anxiously waited for a response. 

We are being followed. Drake says we are on a back road in Flintlock, close to the safe house. 

"Everything ok?" Hana pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up and then back down at the phone. "I. I'm not sure. Hana, I'm sorry but something has come up, I have to go." Liam gripped his phone tighter and headed down the hallway

"Maybe I can help?" Hana shouted after, her short legs struggling to keep up. But Liam kept walking. He dialed her number but it went straight to voicemail, he tried Drakes and the same thing.

******

Back in the truck Drake and Jenna were flying around curves and bends in the roads the suv tailing then was now maintaining speed. 

"How are we going to lose them, Drake?" 

"I'm trying Mahoney, they just won't let up," Drake growled. 

Jenna peered out the back window watching the silver SUV gain on them. Saying a silent prayer they make it out of this. The reception on the roads was spotty, her texts or calls weren't going through.  

"Hey. I think they're backing off." Jenna watched as the silver SUV slowed down, giving them space. She turned her head back towards the road "Drake look out!" She shouted as an SUV was headed straight for them. Drake swerved avoiding the other car but lost control,  his truck skidding out sending them straight into a wooded area, Jenna screamed just as the truck collided with a large tree and everything went silent.

@kingliam2019 @ao719 @emichelle @annabellewynter @twinkleallnight

@tessa-liam @riseandshinelittleblossom

@blackcatkita @katedrakeohd @tinkie1973 @ownworldresident @cordoniaqueensworld @lovingchoices14 @indiana-jr @txemrn @bascmve01 @queenwalton @sfb123 @umccall71

@choicesficwriterscreations

@emersyn-in-cordonia

[bluethecosmicbadger]

Quiet. That's all that could be heard at the moment, save for the sound of a couple noisy crickets just outside the window. To be honest, Wilhelmina had thought the spider that had made it's home in the windowsill would have picked them off by now. Instead, she had to make due with nature's ensemble as her tired eyes scoured through every article clipping on her desk. 'Local Man Disappears', 'Cincinnati Barber Thought To Be Mystery Killer's Latest Victim', and other such titles popped out at the sleep deprived journalist as she skimmed through over and over again, trying to find any sort of details she might have missed before. Why on earth would she invest so much time and effort into this case? After all, police dropped it when they told her that they did all they could, but unfortunately they just couldn't find any leads. But they're wrong. She couldn't explain it, but they just had to be. Call it what you will–she's desperate, she's crazy, she needs to face the facts–she's heard it all before. She knew Nathaniel better than anyone! Even though the two of them had been divorced for a little over two years now, Nathaniel just wasn't the type to skip town without telling anyone, and she highly doubted anyone wanted to kill him. After all, her ex husband was always so personable. Although, even she had to admit that her former spouse did have his blockhead moments, but surely that wasn't enough motivation to kill him! No, there must be something else going on. Who'd want to kidnap Nathaniel and for what purpose?

The minutes slowly ticked by into hours, and soon her eyes started to sting. Wilhelmina allowed herself to let out a yawn, shutting her eyes for a moment. As soon as she did so, she heard what sounded like a voice break the silence behind her.

"Say, doll, you look like you could use some help."

"Oh, of course not. I—" and at once, she cut herself off as soon as she processed what just happened. "Hello?" She announced clearly, scanning her eyes around the room. "Why, hello my dear." Wilhelmina spun herself around, frantically trying to locate the source of the voice before her eyes locked firmly on the radio. "Don't be frightened. I mean you no harm." The voice told her. The young journalist cautiously approached the radio, leaning forward to examine it. Was she losing her mind, or was the radio...talking to her? Not like a prerecorded thing, but actually talking to her in real time? No, of course not. That would be impossible. "Well? Are you not going to introduce yourself, my dear?"

"Where are you?" She asked, a bit interrogative, to be honest. The man chuckled in response. "You're not going to find me anywhere in this world." He told her. "Oh, 'in this world'. Brilliant, what the heck does that..." She suddenly broke off into a giggle, dropping her head into her hand with a deep sigh. "I must be losing it! I'm talking to my radio and expecting it to answer me back!" She said, mostly to herself. "Oh, but I can answer you back. See? I'm doing it right now." By now, Wilhelmina had crouched herself on the floor along with her radio. She scooped the device up in her hands, inspecting it closely for anything out of the ordinary. Faulty wiring, accidental broadcast–anything that would provide some reasonable explanation! But she didn't even remember turning it on in the first place. "But that's–"

"–Impossible? Oh, come now, nothing is impossible!" Chuckled the man, and Wilhelmina couldn't help but roll her eyes at the comment. "Like I haven't heard that before...what did you say your name was?" She inquired. "Now now, you still haven't told me your name. That's very impolite, you know." Replied the man. The young journalist let out a sigh, but she agreed with no more snark. "Very well then." She cleared her throat. "Pleasure to meet you, random voice on my radio. My name is Wilhelmina Prescott." She introduced. "Now, may I know your name?"

"Why, I'm Maxwell. Charming to meet you." Wilhelmina could practically feel the man grinning at her through the radio, and it made her shiver unpleasantly. "Well, now that we've said our hello's to each other, how do you know I need help?" She asked, hoping to move the conversation swiftly on. "I've been watching you very closely for a while now, Ms Prescott." Replied Maxwell. "You've been spying on me?" Demanded Wilhelmina, searching around her home. "Where are you?" She asked. Maxwell simply laughed at her alarm. "I wouldn't call it 'spying' more like...observing from afar. Besides, I told you you'd never find me in this world."

"So...you're spying on me, is what you're saying. That's pretty creepy, you know. And what do you mean 'in this world'? Is this some kind of practical joke?"

"Why, Ms Prescott, how dare you accuse me of such nonsense? I happen to be a very dapper gentleman, thank you very much."

"That doesn't change how creepy it is, Mr Dapper-Gentleman!"

Again, Maxwell chuckled at her response. "You've certainly got quite a bit of spunk, Ms Prescott. How admirable." He remarked. "But allow me to humbly apologize for being, as you say, creepy. I only want to help you find your missing ex husband, after all." He told her. Wilhelmina snapped her focus back toward the radio. "How do you know about Nathaniel?" She inquired, leaning herself closer. She just had to know, and maybe she could prod this Maxwell for answers. "I told you before: I've been watching over you for a while now, and I want to help you. Trust me, my dear Wilhelmina."

"Trust you? I just met you, why should I trust you?" It was a perfectly sound question, at least in the journalist's mind. "Because I'm a friend of Nathaniel, and I can help you find him." Replied Maxwell. "I can give you the information you so desperately seek." He said, dropping his voice to a conspiring whisper. Wilhelmina gripped the small radio tightly in both of her hands. "What do you know? How can you help me?" She's been searching high and low, and she still hasn't found hide nor hair of Nathaniel Walker anywhere! She was almost beginning to think that perhaps her ex husband really was murdered or something horrible, but then suddenly this strange man contacts her through her radio and tells her that he has what she seeks...honestly, if she where to tell this to anyone, she wouldn't be surprised if they admitted her into a loony bin! A man mysteriously appeared on the radio and told her he could help her find her ex husband....what nonsense! Still, she was all out of option, and she had a funny feeling this Maxwell fellow knew that. After all, why wouldn't he since he's apparently been watching her? 

"Alright, I'll bite. What do you know about Nathaniel?"

"Oh, I'm afraid I can't tell you that just yet."

"Ha!" Exclaimed Wilhelmina in disdain. "Why not?" She asked, cocking her eyebrow. Oh, she should have known there'd be some kind of snag! That's what she gets for trusting some voice! "Well, what am I going to get out of this little arrangement? I can't just give you something without getting anything in return." Replied Maxwell with an air of nonchalance. "This is hardly an arrangement, you're supposed to be telling me what you know about Nathaniel!" Snapped Wilhelmina, growing impatient and irritated. If he really had something of value to tell her why wouldn't he just cough it up already?

Maxwell clicked his tongue. "Well, if that's going to be your attitude about it then perhaps I'll just be on my way...." He informed smugly, and then he promptly went silent for a few moments. "No, no!" Squeaked Wilhelmina hastily. She couldn't just let this slip through her fingers! This was the first lead she's had on Nathaniel's disappearance since she's started tracking it! "Look, I'm sorry if I've been a little snappy, you have no idea what this means to me." She sighed, and once again she could almost swear she could feel Maxwell grinning at her through her radio. "Then, do we have a deal, Ms Prescott?"

"Yes, we do."

"Excellent...you've made a wise decision."

[lunaofthevalley]

The Letter

Sebastian Stan x Reader.

Plot: You're leaving behind your life in New York to go to Austria, and that means leaving him behind as well. But you couldn't leave with certain things left unsaid, so you wrote them down.

Request: @hadesgirl1015

Warnings: none

Note: I'm backkkkkkk wooooooo. Finally got out of that writers block.

The world seemed to be nonexistent to you at that moment. The only things you were really registering were the soft sounds of the raindrops hitting the pavement outside and the pieces of paper before you on which black ink seemed to be scribbled across like a never ending flurry of emotions.

And that's exactly what it was.

You sat unmoving, just looking across the now empty loft, a place which before used to have color and warmth, now only seemed bland and empty.

It's pretty amazing how a place filled with memories and stories can be stripped of that in a blink of an eye.

A knock suddenly sounded on the door, and that's what made you snap out of whatever mood you were in and back into the real world.

Before you went to open the door you quickly shoved the inked paper into an envelope and quickly wrote the name of the person to whom it was addressed on the front. You then shoved the envelope in your purse, going to grab your luggage before walking to the door.

Opening it up you were met with the cool breeze of the hallway, but also with blue stormy eyes that seemed to match the weather outside.

"You ready?" He asked in a soft tone.

You could only reply with a nod, taking one last glance at what had been your home for the last few years, before walking out and closing the door, leaving behind the first of three things you didn't want to.

Sebastian let out a deep sigh, before helping you with your luggage and walking towards the elevator. As you waited neither of you said a thing. It wasn't needed. You had known each other so long that sometimes long silences said more than what a full conversation would. You were that comfortable with one another, and it was something you would miss terribly.

Before you knew it you were already on the ground floor, walking towards Sebastian's car. He had offered to drive you to the airport, knowing that you, when moments like these came about, disconnected yourself from your surroundings, becoming more like an empty vessel, unlike your usual go happy, cheery self.

Things seemed to go by in a blur, as if your life was suddenly in fast forward. One moment your loading your things into the car and taking one last look at your home, and then your suddenly driving through the busy streets of New York City, the buildings going by in a blur, blurrier than usual thanks to the droplets of water that glided against the window.

You still really had no idea how the decision had come about. One day your happy, enjoying the hustle and bustle of New York City, the chaos and fast life it brought with it, and suddenly you dont want that anymore, opting to move somewhere else, far away, almost as if you were running away from something, which in a way, you were.

You couldn't choose at first. You didn't want to live in a big city anymore, you wanted to experience something different, the countryside maybe? A small town a couple of hours outside a city? You ended up choosing to go to Austria, a nice little picturesque town by the mountains, a place which seemed frozen in time, something so completely different to the place you were running away from.

Soft tunes played lowly on the radio, blending with the soft sounds of the falling water. You didn't remember the name of the song playing, but you knew it was one that sounded often, which is why, from now on, every time you heard it you would remember this moment, crossing the bridge, leaving Manhattan, leaving behind the second thing you truly didn't want to.

As every second passed, you got closer to the airport, meaning you were just a minute closer to saying goodbye to a very important part of your life. Your heart started to pick up, getting faster every minute that passed. Your stomach started feeling funny, like it would usually feel before you went to do a presentation in college or when you got up to sing at a karaoke bar while still being sober.

The scenery blended together and soon enough you were parked right outside the airport. Sebastian and you sat silent, unmoving, both enclosed inside the safe space of his jaguar.

He was the first to break the silence. "You have everything?"

You nodded, "Pretty sure I do. If I did forget anything at all you can always send it through the mail."

He let out a soft chuckle, "That I can do, I guess."

Things went back to being silent. It was comfortable though. Some people didn't like it when things were that way, no words being spoken, but for you and him, it was welcomed.

After a few minutes had passed you turned back to face him. "Seb…I think it's best if I go in alone."

He turned his head to you quickly, his mouth opened slightly as if he was going to say something, but no sound came out.

"It's just…it's difficult enough already, and if you go in with me I'll be more of a mess than I'll be now. So please let me do this alone." You explained, "look, I know you probably think it's a dumb idea, since I won't be seeing you in god knows how long, but I think it's the best thing to do."

After a couple seconds Sebastian only nodded, knowing that you had already made up your mind on the matter, and that no matter what argument he used, you wouldn't be changing it.

"…at least let me help you unload your bags."

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Both of you got out of the car, Sebastian going towards the trunk, while you went to get a cart to help you move your things towards baggage registration. Once everything was loaded securely to the cart you turned to Sebastian, not wasting one more moment before engulfing him as close as you could.

He hugged you back, lifting you slightly of the ground, making you stand on your toes, his arms securely around your waist, while yours were around his neck. Your emotions started getting the best of you, making some tears escape your eyes. You could feel Sebastian become emotional too, feeling a wetness on your shoulders that you knew didn't come from the sky.

You both separated after a while, both with red, puffy eyes and slightly runny noses.

"God I'll miss you so much. Why do you have to leave New York?" Why do you have to leave me, Sebastian expressed, although that last statement was only thought.

You sighed, "I don't know Seb, I can't give you a specific reason. I just know it's something I need to do. But hey, I'll come visit, and I'm sure you'll go visit me after some time, maybe your work will take you there, then we can live out our childhood dream of singing the sound of music on a hillside," Seb let out a laugh at that, remember ing it was something you had talked about during middle school when you were set to perform the musical. "I need time away, just for a little while. You're not completely losing me, okay."

He could only respond with a nod.

"I have to go now…"

"I know. Send me a text when you're on the plane, and if you can't, just call when you land."

"Will do Seb," you were about to leave when you remembered the envelope in your bag. You took it out and held it out to him, "I…um…I wrote this for you, but please read it when you get back home."

Seb nodded as he took the letter, "So this is it then?"

"Yeah, it is."

"See you later Y/N."

You smiled before softly replying, "Catch you later, Stan."

_________________________

It had been around 25 minutes since you had disappeared through the automatic doors of the airport entrance, and Sebastian remained sat in his car, staring off at nothing while thinking of everything.

You had told him not to read the letter, but he needed to know what the contents of that envelope were, so against his better judgment he opened it and took out the frail pieces of paper that contained all your thoughts and feelings.

Hey Seb,

I hope you listened to me when I told you to read this at home. But I know you, so you're either still parked outside the airport, or you stopped at some point between Manhattan and JFK to read it because curiosity got the better of you.

For you're sake I hope it's the second.

To be honest with you, I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's to help me feel better about myself? Or maybe it's just an easier way to say things without truly saying them, if you get what I mean.

I guess it's easier to write what you feel and have someone read it, instead of actually having to say it out loud and be met with their either negative or positive response. So I think I just answered my own question.

I'm writing this so I don't have to say it to you, because god it frightens me so much what you might think, how you might react.

There's so many different outcomes to you reading this, you might hate me, you might think I'm strange, you might think it's good riddance, or maybe, just maybe, you might feel the same and kind of still hate me for what I did.

And by what I did I mean, write this letter and give it to you right before I board a plane to Austria.

And what I mean by you feeling all those posible emotions is because I, Y/N Y/L/N am complete and utterly in love with you Sebastian Stan, I have been for years now. I just never had the courage to actually tell you.I was afraid of what would happen if I did.

You have your career and you're loved by so many and you could be with whoever you wanted to, which you have been, that's another reason why I didn't tell you, I felt like I could never live up to be what would be expected of me if I were to be with you.

But never mind that now.

I know it's selfish of me to do this. Specially now, considering the circumstances. You've probably figured it out by this point, that you were one of the reasons as to why I left. And I'm so, so sorry for putting you in this position.

I've had to leave behind the three things I treasured most in this world. My small loft in Soho, where so many great moments were lived. New York City, my home, the one place I can always count on. And you Sebastian, the person I love most in this world.

I know this letter might change things for us in the future, our friendship might not be what it used to be. But I don't regret for one moment writing this letter. I couldn't leave without telling you-or well writing it to you.

Again, I so sorry for doing this to you. I love you.

Y/N

Sebastián didn't know what to do, so he did what his instinct told him to, and that was get out of the car and run to you. Your flight left at 6:00, it was currently 5:29, if he ran fast enough he could make it. But first he had to figure out what gate you would be at.

He ran as fast as he could, running in between people, trying not to bump into them, stopping every now and again to ask where your gate was.

It was 5:56 by the time he had gotten to the gate, and he looked around but he didn't see you anywhere.

He ran up to a woman who sat behind the desk were the entrance to your plane was.

"Excuse me ma'am, is this the gate for flight 482 to Vienna?" He asked rapidly.

The woman gave him a fake smile, "It is. But I'm afraid the plane has already left. It's on the tarmac already. Were you a passenger of the flight?"

Sebastian's shoulders dropped. He had been too late. If he had only read the letter 10 minutes earlier you might not have gotten on that plane. But you were gone now. And so was his chance to tell you he loved you.

"No, it's just. I had something to tell someone."

PERMANENT TAG LIST: @sighspidey // @crist1216 // @Callmebucky-doll // @horrsegal

[rantingswithrage]

Impossible - Chapter Seven

Jared Padalecki x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 4,158

We sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity but was probably only a couple of minutes.

Why was I feeling so ashamed? I didn't have to be ashamed around him. I barely knew him and the little that I did know, was the cause of my bad day. I shouldn't care what he thinks. But for some reason, I do care.

"What are their names?" He finally said something. I looked up at him to see him looking right back at me. I gave him a half smile.

"Um, Camden and Matthew." I said just above a whisper. I now was completely regretting telling him. I knew he was probably going to ask more questions about them.

He smiled slightly, "I like those names, which one is older?" He was just making conversation but I was so uncomfortable talking about this.

"Well Camden, she is almost four and Matthew is almost three." I looked up at him, and waited for his reaction. He smiled bigger first and then the smile disappeared completely.

"Um, I don't mean to pry but can I ask you a more personal question?" He just looked at me waiting for a reaction. I simply nodded.

"Do you have a boyfriend, or married or something. I mean, it's okay if you do but I don't want to get you in trouble with anyone." I sighed.

"No, I'm not married and I don't have a boyfriend. Their father is not involved in either of their lives." It was weird how much information I was just freely passing unto him. At least I know now that I won't have to worry about Jared bothering me again. After tonight, I will never see him again. He probably thinks I am slut.

"Oh, I see." He said smiling again. Silence fell between us and I just wished that the waitress would come back so we could order our food and get closer to getting home and away from this awkward situation.

Jared looked like he was about to say something but was interrupted when a waiter practically ran into our table.

I looked up and froze at who I saw.

"Good evening, my name's Spencer and I am your server. Have you decided on what you would like?” He first looked at Jared.

Jared looked at me, "Ladies first."

The waiter looked over at me for the first time and I looked up at him. Our eyes met and I could see his entire attitude change. He smirked.

"Y/n/n? Well fancy meeting you here. How've you been? Are you dating again?" He asked eyeing Jared.

Jared looked confused.

I looked away from Spencer knowing that my face was tomato red. I stared and studied my hands.

"I, uh..." I didn't know what to say but I didn't get a chance to answer.

"Yes, she is on a date and I have no idea what that has to do with the fact that you have not taken our orders." Jared interrupted causing both Spencer and I to look at him with wide eyes.

Spencer chuckled to himself. "Whoa there fella, I was just trying to catch up. I used to be kinda close to this catch, if you know what I mean." He said 'this catch' while pointing at me.

I didn't say a word, I just looked down again. I was totally humiliated. I know that I was still upset at Jared for what he had done today but I couldn't even begin to describe how embarrassed I felt watching this happen.

"Well, I can see why you are not close anymore if you compare being with a woman to catching a fish." Jared spat.

I looked up at Jared+ and wondered why he was defending me. He really doesn't know anything about me, except for that fact that he has questions about the darkest time in my life. I just kept quiet while I waited to see what was going to happen.

Spencer's eyes narrowed and I could see that familiar look. He was getting angry and that is definitely not a good thing.

He opened his mouth to probably tell Jared to ‘fuck off’ but was cut off by Jared, "I think it is time for you to do your job and take our orders, or am I going to have to go talk to your manager?" Jared stated with authority.

Spencer seemed to realize what his current position was and his face went from angry to bored.

"Fine, whatever. What'ya gonna get." He said trying to seem bored, but could tell that he felt defeated. He knew that there was nothing he could say while he was working.

"Like I said, Ladies first." Jared said and both of their attentions turned back to me.

I was still frozen in place. It was like I had forgotten how to talk.

"Well, come on. If you hadn't noticed, it's really busy and I haven't gotten all night." Spencer snapped.

"I, uh. I want the seasoned chicken with vegetables." I said not making eye contact with him.

Spencer scribbled it down and turned to Jared.

Spencer just gave him a look that said if we were anywhere else, he would have punched him.

Jared smiled, "I will have the 6oz steak, please."

Spencer scribbled it down and looked back up at Jared waiting for him to say more, but when Jared didn't say anything, he sighed and spoke up.

"How do you want it cooked?" Spencer asked obviously annoyed.

Jared smirked, "Medium well, please."

Spencer didn't say a thing as he collected our menus and turned to walk away.

I watched as he stepped away and then turned around and smirked at me. It was not a good smirk. I knew he was planning something. Jared interrupted my thoughts, "Who was that? How does he know you?"

I looked at Jared. He looked like he was generally concerned.

I sighed looking in the same direction that Spencer has just walked away from us. I didn't want to talk about it, and in all honesty, I wanted to get out of here. I wanted to go as far away from this place as I could. I was starting to break down. I was no longer mad at Jared for what he had done to me earlier. All I cared about now was not wanting to remember what had happened so long ago. I remained quiet trying to arrange the words that would help me describe how much I wanted to leave, with out hurting Jared's feelings.

After a few minutes of me ignoring Jared's question, Jared cleared his throat, making me look up at him. He had concern written all over his face. "Are you okay?" He asked staring right into my eyes.

I couldn't look away and I just couldn't lie. "Honestly," my voice was so shaky "I'm not okay. I don't want to be rude, but if it's okay with you, I'd like to go now."

Jared looked slightly hurt but nodded as he began to get up. He obviously knew something was wrong and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, which surprised me. Most guys wouldn’t have cared about how I was feeling, they would have wanted to stay and eat and ignore my issues.

He went first and I followed him through the crowd and out to the parking lot.

Jared helped me get in and soon followed by getting in himself. He didn't start the car though, he just sat there for a minute before looking over at me.

"I know that you are upset by what happened, but do you want to go home, or did you just want to leave this particular restaurant?" Jared asked seeming like he was scared of how I would react to his question.

I had no idea how to answer his question. It had been such a long time since I had seen Spencer and it still hurt to see him. It brought me right back to that time. It honestly felt like I had open wounds; like a never ending bleed. I felt like running away from everything. Spencer, Jared, my job... but then, all I pictured was my kids. Those beautiful faces and how sweet and innocent they are. I love them so much. They are the reason why I work so hard. I need the money and the insurance from them. All I want to do right now is be with them.

I sighed remembering Jared's question. "Look, I've had a long day. I know that you wanted to go out and eat, but if it's okay with you, I would really like it if you could bring me home now." I didn't even look at Jared as I said this. I could audibly hear him sigh.

I heard Jared start his car, but then was quickly startled by Jared's response. "No!"

I was forced to look up at him. I raised an eyebrow. Was he serious?

"What?" I asked.

He put both hands on the steering wheel and turned towards me.

"I said no. I am not going to bring you home just yet." he replied. Typical, every guy needs to be in control and have everything go their way. 

This time is different though. Something snapped and anger suddenly rose up inside of me. I couldn't help it. All of the frustration and this emotional roller-coaster that today has brought me through, it all just bubbled up and burst out at this moment.

"You can't be serious. I am exhausted. I worked my butt off to serve you hand and foot after you messed up everything for me at work, and then you practically force me to go out with you when I clearly had no interest. You finally pick a restaurant and our waiter just so happens to be my abusive ex-husband who left me after he realized he didn't want a family anymore. He left me to deal with our children alone. I've told you personal things about myself that you had no right to know and now all I want is for you to take me home so I can relax after the worst day ever. Do you have enough decency in you to respect that?!" I yelled. I was on the verge of tears. I was fuming mad but I was an emotional wreck.

He looked taken aback but then his face changed back.

He never looked away; he just kept his gaze on me.

"Y/n, I don't know what is going on in your life. You're right. I barely know you, and I didn't deserve for you to tell me everything that you did. I am so sorry for all of the damage that I caused today. But, I know that I cannot take you back home right now."

"Oh, and why's that?" I snapped.

He had a sideways smile, "Because I know exactly what you need."

"And what is it that I need?"

"You'll see." He said as he put the car in gear and began to drive.

I had been trying to convince him for about ten minutes that he was practically kidnapping me. He just smiled and shushed me.

I gave up trying to get him to bring me home after a while because it just made me more tired and it was just easier to give in.

After a moment of my silence he reached toward the radio and said, "Perfect! I was waiting for you to calm down so that I could do this." He turned up the volume and the very opposite of what I expected to hear came pouring out of the speakers. It was classical music.

I looked at him and was about to open my mouth when he interrupted me, "Ah, no. Shush! The more quiet you are, the faster this will be over. I promise." He turned towards me as he said, ‘I promise’. I sighed and rested back on my chair.

I looked out the window and couldn't figure out where I was. But all I could see were the beautiful leaves. It's getting to be the prime time in autumn and the leaves are beginning to change. It was so beautiful. I just stared out the window mesmerized by the natural beauty of the season.

Before I realized what was happening, Jared pulled into a drive-thru. It was a place I had never heard of. It was called Tracy's Beanery. He stuck his head out the window and ordered something. I couldn't hear what he said. He didn't ask me if I wanted anything. I was getting aggravated as he pulled up to the window to pay. They took his money, handed him the change and the gave him two hot drink cups. He said a thank you as he drove away. Before we left the parking lot, he pulled quickly into a parking space and put the car in park.

He handed me one of the cups and said, "Alright, this is what is going on. I want you to sit back and relax. I don't know a lot about you but I do know that everyone needs to take a break now and then. You need just a few minutes of peace. And I know that if I took you home right now, that is not what you would get. Drink this. It is hot apple cider. Tonight is a beautiful night. You can enjoy the ride as we see all of the beautiful leaves and listen to some relaxing music. You don't even have to talk. Just give me an hour. One hour and then you can go home. I promise." He raised his hand like was saying 'scouts honor' as he promised.

He was right. If he brought me home right now, the kids would be crazy and it would be impossible for me to get them settled but if I waited a little longer then Riley would have already put them both to bed. And I do love apple cider...

I looked down in my lap defeated. I guess it kinda would be nice to not have to do anything at all.

"Fine," I sighed, "But only for one hour." I stated. Jared's face lit up.

"Good." He said as he turned the music up just a little and began to drive.

We had driven around for fifteen minutes and I was completely relaxed. I never really knew how nice it was to listen to classical music. I never really even thought about it before, it wasn't my thing but all I knew is that it was nice. The apple cider was so good, too. I was almost done with mine. They must have made it right there at the cafe. And all that mixed with the smooth drive and the beautiful weather, I was out of my element. I honestly had never felt so relaxed in my entire life.

I almost forgot that Jared was there until I felt his hand touch mine. I looked at him. His hand was still on mine. It wasn't an accident. He had reached over on purpose.

"Is that okay?" he asked as he continued to drive along the road.

I didn't feel like he was trying to make a move on me. It really felt like he cared. Like he was holding my hand to let me know that I wasn't alone. It was more of a friendly gesture than a romantic one. And for some reason, I was okay with it.

I responded with soft, 'Yeah' and he held my hand a little tighter. And we continued to drive with the only sound being the music from the radio.

It was actually nice. I can't believe how much I was enjoying myself. It was all so simple. A car ride, leaves, apple cider, a hand-hold but it felt like medicine. Like it was taking away everything that had made me sick. It was melting away stress and allowing me to relax far better than I have before.

But all too quickly the hour was up and I looked around outside the window and realized where we were. We were back at work. How he managed that, I'll never know.

He let go of my hand to put the car in park. And then just sat back and looked out his window.

After a few moments of silence I decided to break it. I mumbled a quick "thank you."

He turned back towards me with a soft smile. "You're welcome! I hope you were able to relax just a little."

"I did. I don't know how I went from furious to depressed to furious and then to content, but it was really nice. Even though you had to kidnap me to get me to do it."

He had a playful smirk. "I didn't actually kidnap you. You didn't have to take me up on my offer but I'm glad you did." His smile was contagious and just made me smile back at him. But it quickly faded when I realized that I had to get home to the kids and then, get myself to bed so that I could rest up enough to be able to work tomorrow.

"Um, thank you for this. It was really nice but I should be getting home now." I said hoping that he would understand.

His face was calm and understanding.

"Okay, just tell me which way to go." he said as he pulled out of the parking lot.

We arrived at my apartment building and he parked the car. Then he jumped out and ran over to my door and opened it for me. I thanked him and he nodded.

He walked me to the door to the building.

"Y/n, I really enjoyed spending time with you. I hope that we will see each other again very soon. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your night." he said with another winning smile.

"Thank you for insisting that I stick around for that drive. It really was relaxing and exactly what I needed. It definitely balanced out the bad day." We both smiled.

"Well good, I'm glad." He said. "Go get some rest." He opened the door for me.

"Thank you, I will." I said as I began to walk through.

As I stepped in I felt Jared gently grab my wrist.

“Wait,” he said as I turned back around. He was standing, or should I say towering over me. His face was soft and he had a hopeful look on his face. 

“Yeah?” I said confused as to why he stopped me.

He cleared his throat, “I can’t pretend to understand anything that you’re going through but I can tell you that I know what it feels like to have to fight a battle on your own. That’s why I pushed to have you stay with me for the ride because I knew that sometimes just doing something simple to distract yourself can bring rest in a lot of different ways.” He paused waiting for my reaction.

I was overwhelmed with his compassion and also very curious to hear about his struggles as well. I didn’t know what to say, I simply nodded.

He took that as a good sign and continued, “I can tell that you’ve had to face a lot of things by yourself and your very strong. I was an honor getting to spend time with you today and I hope we can do it again soon.” He smiled.

I returned the smile. “I don't think I’ve ever changed my mind about someone so drastically and so quickly then I did today. You started off as one of my worst clients but then you were there for me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed. I didn't want to go out with you but I owe you one after what you did for me today.”

Jared’s eyes got playfully wide, “I don't think so, I think I’ll be making it up to you for a long time. Some men still don’t know how to act when they see a girl the like. I made a fool of myself today.” I chuckled.

“Eh, let’s call it even.” I smiled. Jared smiled a smile that was practically glowing.

“I’ll take that deal.” He said as he held his hand out for me to shake. As our hands connected and shook up and down, he didn’t let go of my hand. 

His smile faded into a more serious face. His eyes locked on mine.

I was a little nervous until his eyes quickly glanced down to my lips. He slowly leaned in and waited for me to make any kind of response. I haven't even known him for more than a few hours but I had already been through a rollercoaster of emotions. I gave into the moment and stepped in closer to him.

That was all Jared needed. His lips came crashing down onto mine. It was a strong kiss but not forceful. It couldn’t believe the sensation that ran through my entire body. It was like I had been plugged in or I was finally awake after being in a coma. I had never felt anything like it before. Our lips came apart and Jared smiled down at me. I mirrored his smile back up to him.

He slipped his hand into his jacket pocket. He pulled out a business card and handed it to me. 

“Here, this is my business card. I use the information for work.” He smirked. “What most people don’t know is that I’m too lazy to have two accounts for everything, so that is my personal cell number.” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. He lightly chuckled at my reaction. “Feel free to text or call me whenever. I’m not going to ask for your number. I feel like I’ve forced you to do enough stuff for one day.” He laughed. “Take as long as you want in reaching out to me, if that is something you’d like to do. Just know that I will be waiting by my phone like every teenage girl in every 80s movie for you to contact me.” He smiled dramatically at me. I laughed at his dramatics which made him flash a real smile down at me.

“Thank you. I’m surprised by how today has turned out but I plan on giving you a call. I just may make you sweat it out for a day or two first.” I giggled mischievously. His pouted his lips and made puppy dog eyes at me. I laughed a little more at his reaction until he perked up.

“You may make me wait but you did say you would call. That’s good enough for me.” He said with a new found spark. I shook my head at his antics.

“Well, I should get inside and relieve Riley from babysitting.” I said as I yawned.

Jared nodded and made a half smile at me as I yawned. “Yeah and you need some rest after a day like today.” He said as he stepped back to clear the path in to the door.

“Yeah, thanks again for tonight.” I said as I stepped inside. 

"Thank you for giving me a very undeserved chance. Goodnight, Y/n. Sleep well and don't forget to call!" He said as he waved.

"I won’t. Goodnight, Jared." I said as I waved back and closed the door. He walked back to his car and then drove away.

As I got in the elevator, I was able to unwind the events of the day.

I started off overwhelmed by the busyness of work then went to being angry at Jared to finally ending in being thankful to him. I don't know how all of those emotions can take a hold in one day but I do know that it was a good day after all. Now, I am exhausted and can actually hear my bed calling my name.

I got to my apartment on the fourth floor. Riley was watching a show on the couch.

"They're both already asleep, and you need to tell me every little thing that happened in the last few hours but tell me tomorrow cause I'm about to pass out." She said as she got up, grabbed her purse and hugged me as she walked out the door.

"Night, Ry. Thanks for everything."

"No problen. Night, Y/n" She said as she walked away to the elevator.

I closed the door and locked it.

I quickly checked on my sleeping beauties and then made my way to my own bed.

All I know is that even after an impossible day filled with impossible people, I am going to get a good night of sleep tonight and maybe I’ll call Jared tomorrow.