#I've been on a redo-kick lately

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

requests holding at 69

hehe

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Thinking about huevember posts and thinking. I may delay these bc I'm feeling ambitious about some of them

[calamaroo]

KWAZII RACKHAM REDESIGN 🐈

& IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT‼️

(please read, I'd appreciate it)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 🧡

Here lately, as you can tell if you've been around for my blog, I've been struggling to post. Part of the reason is I've just not been happy with my art style and designs. SO, in hopes to remedy this, I wanted to redesign my little meow meow man!!

I feel like I struggle really badly with same face syndrome, so I want my new style to focus more on different face and body structures/types!

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Design Elements :

The green eyes stuck out too much to me (sensory overload kinda deal), so I made them yellow! I feel it flows better with the oranges everywhere else!

Sharper angles that point inwards!

Actually looks like a human that can turn into a cat! --- I want my "human" designs to have more animal features because that's what I like about them the most! (My human designs are meant to be shifters/can turn back into the original animal species, but I forget to say that a lot)

I haven't liked the way the uniforms look, so that may also change, too. I just haven't gotten to it yet.

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IMPORTANT‼️ (at least to me)

Now, on a more serious note. Since I started tumblr, I got decently popular way quicker than I expected, and the little bit of stardom and fame got to my head. I loved (and still do) seeing people interacting with my art, especially the bigger name people of the Octo-fandom. Not to get too personal, but I've struggled with my self-esteem for as long as I can remember (sucks ass, but it is what it is). On top of that, seasonal depression is kicking my ass, and it started to seriously stress me out seeing the notifications decline. It's silly, and I'm super embarrassed about it, but it's better to let it out than bottle it in, and I've already done damn well enough of that, and I'm sick of pretending.

I love all the support and praise I get about my art. It feels like that's the only thing I'm good at, so it's very personal to me. It's my way of coping with a shitty world. I've thought a lot about it, and I want to start not caring so much about seeing the notes and stuff. I still LOVE and appreciate them. It's nice beyond words to see people actually like my stuff.

IM NOT LEAVING TUMBLR, btw. I love it WAY too much to do that 😅 I just felt like finally saying something. I shouldn't feel the need to explain myself to randoms on the internet, but eh, it is what it is. Can't win them all.

If you read all that, thank you so much!!! Please do not feel responsible for my mental health, it's mine, and I need to fix it my own way.

I hope you liked my Kwazii redesign! I want to redo everyone eventually, but I'm not sure how soon I'll get to it. Tryna focus on mental sanity rn

Byeeee, and thanks for reading my goofy little half silly cat man half vent post !

[falling-star-cygnus]

If you're still looking for billy angst ideas I got something what if he got heavily injured got close to powering off and muttered something like "I don't wanna die." Or something like that

Or he actually did die/power off but by some miracle powered on again and then insert everyone's reactions

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE -> the way i shot up out of my bed and ran to my computer to write this is genuinely insane considering my athleticism abilities [which is to say none]

i don't get a lot of asks, so when i do it always makes me kick my lil feetsies

TRIGGER WARNINGS: robot dismemberment, murder [implied], brief suicide idealization [doesn't finish the thought], kidnapping [i don't write it but he's clearly not there willingly], dehumanization [referring to Billy as an 'it' in a derogatory sense]

"Nicole."

She chokes on nothing but air and nearly drops her phone in the process. What the hell, why did Anby feel the need to do this her. Appearing from the shadows like some sort of cheesy apparition was only funny when other people got spooked! She'd been texting the Proxy!

Anby, at least, waits for her older sister to settle down again before continuing:

"Where's Billy?"

Why would I know!? Nicole narrows her eyes at the smaller girl, pursing her lips in thinly veiled indignance. It wasn't her job to track her teammate's whereabouts off of missions. Or even on missions. They were capable people.

"Huh? I don't know. Why?"

Something about Anby's appearance throws her off.

Her white bangs are looser, tickling her chin and shoulder and out of that itty bitty braid that kept it out of her face. Come to think of it, Nicole hadn't seen her with that braid since yesterday morning...

Weird.

"I wanted him to redo my hair," she answers, placid as ever as she rolls the little green cap between her fingers, "Nekomata hasn't seen him either."

"Oh- Well, I can redo it for you, Anb-" "No thanks, I know how to do it."

Nicole can feel a vein twitching somewhere in her forehead. She loved her sister, she loved her sister, she loved her sister, she loved-

"Then why ask."

There's a sort of tentative silence that follows as the smaller girl fidgets, almost suffocating and sticky and wrong- Anby was uneasy about something... and that never boded well.

"...he's been sad lately. Like a dog that can't go outside when it rains."

Odd comparison, but I suppose it's fitting.

Nicole hadn't noticed anything particularly different about the android. He had been a little less energetic, maybe, more content to just... sit quietly in the company of the other Hares..

Oh god, he'd totally been acting like a sad dog.

"I thought doing my hair again might cheer him up," Anby continues, like she hadn't just made the older Demara feel slightly guilty for not noticing sooner. They all lived together.

"When was the last time you saw him?" Nicole decides to ask, despite the cloying sense of dread settling in her stomach like cement. "Did he go somewhere recently?"

A voice throws in her two cents in her other ear, "I saw him heading out yesterday, around 12!"

"Ack- Nekomata!"

Why was everyone trying to give her a heart attack today!?

"Oops.. Sorry, Nicole! But Billy promised he'd bring me back mackerel! And then he never came back."

"Billy wouldn't break a promise."

The sword wielder says it matter-of-factly, in the same tone she would use to insist that a boss theme was about to play. Or like how someone would say the sky is blue.

She wasn't wrong, though, Billy didn't break promises. Not the ones he makes to them.

An awful feeling of impending doom washes over the three.

Nicole clears her throat. Time to be the boss:

"Let's think about this, did he mention where he was going at all? Or when he'd be back?"

They all check their messages. Nothing.

Call history. Blank.

…emails? All spam.

Of course.

Don't panic, Nicole reminds herself, He could just be... hanging with Wise! Or that wolf guy.. uh.. Von something?

Anby was getting antsier with each failed clue, her fingers twitching and curling into intermittent fists by her sides. Nekomata was trying to act unaffected, but her ears were tilted back just slightly too far.

"Urgh... OK!" the two smallest members of the Hares jolt at the sudden exclamation, but the boss is too busy dialing Billy's cell number to care, "if he won't come to us, we'll go to him!"

The number rings, and rings, and rings- the android always answered on the fifth- and rings, and rings, and-

Click.

"Well, well~ You sure called faster than I expected. Has it even been 24 hours yet?"

That... was not Billy.

-><-. . .-><-

He didn't know how this happened.

Or- scratch that, he did, but... why? He thought-

"I thought we were friends," the android shouts to the retreating figure, his arms captured by two giant mechanical palms "Really? I mean- seriously? Oh, that's hilarious. And sad." Billy can feel his energy draining, but he doesn't go quick enough to miss the final parting words. "You're the least missed Hare, man, and the cat's only been there a week."

Was that.. true?

No. Nekomata had- Nicole cared- Anby would miss..

him.

Would they? He was still trying to formally befriend the Thiren girl, Anby could do her own hair now, and the Boss- would she even notice?

If he wasn't so sure coming online would cause a spike of pain to ram through his throat, he'd shake the thought away. Nicole would notice! At mission time... probably. Or when she needed him.

How long would that be, though?

Unfortunately, Billy's not allowed to spiral any further when an insistent tap-tap-tap scratches at his face plate. He fizzles into painful consciousness with a groan-

With a groan.

With-

...why wasn't he making any noise?

Any attempts made to speak- to vocalize this awful sparking in his throat- end in silence. Billy 's eyes widen, and from his peripheral he can catch the odd glimpse of wiring sticking out under his chin.

...No- no, no, no- no no.

Raucous laughter breaches his sensors, and suddenly his face is pulled up to see the same man that had betrayed him- grinning and amused.

"What's the matter, android," he jeers, releasing his face to drop something on the ground, "Cat got your tongue?"

That 'something' bounces once before landing in a sizzling, unassuming lump right before Billy's glitching eyes.

...his voice box.

-><- . . . -><-

Anby snatches the phone out of Nicole's hand.

"Where's Billy," she demands, shocking the other two Hares silent

She can't bring herself to care at the moment, the way rage is boiling under her skin. Her voice has never been particularly emotive, neither has her face, this she knew intrinsically. A fact of her life that she didn't care to fix.

But Billy was her friend.

Billy understood her. He did her hair whenever she asked, tried to protect her when she didn't need it- not because he didn't think Anby was capable but because he wanted to. Billy explained things she didn't want to, gave her an in to conversations-

"You really care about this thing?" "Billy's not a thing. Where is he." Anby would not ask a third time.

The voice on the other end snickers, amused for some unfathomable reason. And it's like Nicole can sense her impending neurosis, because she pries her phone out of the smaller girl's hand.

"We won't ask again," she emphasizes, fully in Boss mode now, "Why do you have Billy's phone?"

"Calm your tits, ladies."

Nekomata hastily pries the phone out Nicole's hand before it can be crushed.

"What I mean is- relax! Look.. if it'll make you feel better, I'll return it to you. Er- it's parts anyway. Hah!"

It. He was calling Billy... an it.

Something dark poisons the room.

"Just kidding! Anyway- Keep better track of your things, Hares! Finders keepers, you know?"

Click.

...

"Anby. Nekomata."

The girls stand at attention, awaiting the instructions sure to follow their stormy faced Boss.

"We're going to Random Play."

-><- . . . -><-

...everything hurt.

His throat, what was left of his right arm, what was left of his left leg, his torso where red wire hung out like streamers.. The traitor- because it brought some sort of vindicative relief to call his tormentor that- hadn't been joking about selling him for parts. At all.

Pieces of prior 'conversations' looped themselves over and over again like a broken record- a snake eating it's own tail- and at this point Billy couldn't tell if it was his own busted thoughts or if the man had taken his mind too.

"Wow~ an android with a pain threshold.. that's rare. You can feel all of this then?" Billy, of course, couldn't answer with any more than a twitch as pliers hacked away at his wiring. "Bet we'll get a pretty penny off you then."

"I don't really get the point of androids, you know? This tech could be so much better utilized for prosthetics."

"Called your buddies earlier." That had sparked the most reaction out of him so far, that got him to raise his head with worried eyes. "Oh-ho! What'd you get excited for? They're not looking for you."

His voice box still sat on the ground in front of him, mocking as it hissed out sparks from time to time. At least that could still make a sound.

Were the Hares... really not coming for him? Would there be anything left to find if they did?

Billy could hardly open his eyes as it was, even if the Hares could find him in this Hollow- would they even want him around if he couldn't do anything?

Maybe... it would be better if he just-

The metal doors screech open again.

-><- . . . -><-

The tacky feeling of blood, whether caked under her nails or smeared over her cheek, would normally bother her.

This she wears as a badge of honor.

They had been lucky, all things considered, to have connections to the former Phaethon siblings. It still took too long, in Anby's opinion, but Belle and Wise had found the seller that had listed- for a lack of better phrasing- Billy's parts.

"'Ethically sourced' my fine ass!" Nicole had shouted at the monitor, barely restraining herself from grabbing it and shaking.

Anby flicks her blade to the side, watching disinterestedly as blood splatters against the scorched pavement.

"Alright, you guys," Belle- in Eous' body- piped up, "Billy should be behind this door."

What's left of him, goes painfully unsaid.

None of them want to open the door, not when it could confirm a truth they've blatantly ignored the possibility of. Billy could be nothing but wires and lost data behind these doors.

Schrödinger's Android.

Anby takes the plunge and shoulders the creaky metal open.

At first, she's worried that they had the wrong warehouse. The inside is dark- quiet- and she can't immediately see anything with the rubble blocking the way further inside.

That was fine, Nekomata was the only Hare that could marginally compete with her in speed anyway. Sooner than she could really blink- or think about it- the smaller Demara finds herself atop the rubble pile.

There he is.

Billy is in the center of the warehouse, powered off and forced to his remaining knee by robot palms clamped around what's left of his limbs. The wires in his torso hang out like entrails, frayed and stripped at the ends and wrong.

Anby trips over herself to get to him, uncharacteristically uncoordinated as she finally- finally reunites with the android.

"Billy," she breathes out, watery and insistent as she presses her bloodied hands to his cold face, "Billy, wake up. We're here."

Please wake up, please don't let this be for nothing-

Familiar, warm, yellow eyes finally flicker open. It's a struggle, both to watch and to experience probably, as the Hares' big brother reluctantly comes back online.

Reluctantly. Billy shouldn't be reluctant.

There's no talking, no glitchy recall of her name, not even a whisper of pain- or any sound- as his eyes widen disbelievingly at her. Billy shouldn't be quiet.

This was wrong.

Something sparks in the corner of Anby's eye, and the realization that comes with it makes her wish she had done more than dull her blade. Billy's voice box, crudely ripped out and left in plain sight...

"Anby, did you find him?"

The android's warm yellow eyes somehow widen even further at the sound of Nicole's voice and Nekomata's footsteps. When the two come into view, the faceplate under the smaller Demara's hands trembles.

Anby recounts what she learned, making sure to keep her hands on Billy at all times as the reunited Hares' get their metal teammate free. Obviously, he can't walk- he can barely support himself- and they should really wait to celebrate until they're out of the Hollow, but...

"Billlly," Nicole all but sobs as she pulls the android into a hug he can't reciprocate, "you idiot. We were worried sick about you! You're never leaving the base without telling one of us ever again!"

Nekomata joins in from behind, wrapping her thin arms with exceeding amounts of care around Billy's torn neck. She doesn't say anything, but the way the Thiren girl buries her face into his synthetic hair says enough.

Anby hadn't re-braided her fringe since noting his disappearance and the loose hair sticks uncomfortably to the blood on her cheek as she bullies her way under his remaining arm. Belle stands off just slightly to the side, touched by the family reunion but unwilling to interfere with the tender moment.

The Cunning Hares' had missed their resident big brother deeply; now that he was back, they weren't ever letting him go again.

AND THERE SHE IS!! FINITO, EL FIN, FINIE! sorry if the ending was kinda rushed, but i hope you enjoyed! lmk what you thought and, of course, if there's anything else you want to see me write or elaborate on!

[tyrantisterror]

I love your How’d I Ruin It series, it really speaks to me overall! I've been curious if you've ever thought about writing one about The Land Before Time series (as I've been on a dinosaur kick lately), or any other dino related media…I can understand if you see the original LBT as perfect as it is and if you wouldn't want to touch the sequels with a ten foot pole though!

Well, the big issue would be that I don't think I'd ruin the Land Before Time series if I were to adapt it.

I mean, I guess I'd ruin it the way all stories about dinosaurs are ruined in the eyes of certain dinosaur fans, i.e. by not making it perfectly align with every single scientific advance that was made the moment it comes out and also those that come after it comes out, in perpetuity, forever. After all, paleo media is debauched and immoral if it is not infinitely updating itself to correlate with every new theory and indeed even hypotheses that aren't yet taken as scientific fact but are popular in internet dinosaur fandom circles, in perpetuity, forever. The minute scientific knowledge of dinosaurs advances even the tiniest bit beyond a piece of paleo-media, that story is Ruined Forever for certain dinosaur fans.

But, if we discount those pedantic assholes (as we always should), I think I'd make a pretty good Land Before Time story. I wouldn't want to redo the original, granted - as you guessed, I am of the opinion that it's perfect as is. I'd want to take the same setup - a bunch of different child Mesozoic reptiles get separated from their family by a natural disaster during a famine and have to make a perilous journey to a safe place where, hopefully, they'll meet their families again, all while overcoming their differences between each other as members of different species, and trying to shake a very persistent predator - and make some new characters to undergo the journey.

I think the biggest change I'd make would be to have at least one o the dinosaur kids a carnivore (almost certainly a T.rex, because I am boring and T.rex is my favorite dinosaur)There's this whole theme in the original where the dinosaur kids have to overcome the species-based prejudices their parents instilled in them to survive, becoming family to each other in the process, and I think having one of them be a predator would really strengthen that. Here is not only a different species, but a natural enemy for the rest of the kids, and they end up needing each other anyway.

New setpieces would be needed to keep it from feeling like just a retread, and maybe I'd got a bit more explicit with the supernatural elements - the movie is loosely based on Pilgrim's Progress, after all, so there's no reason we can't make this hypothetical remake's Sharptooth stand-in even more of a Death/Satan figure. But I'd ultimately want it to be something that feels very much like The Land Before Time.

[badassindistress]

I've been on a bit of an Edwardian kick lately, especially with the realisation that the belts really make the outfit.

This time I'm trying the free Black Snail Patterns dropwaist belt pattern, which is so structured it veers towards corselet.

It's fully boned and has horsehair canvas interlining. For the outer fabric I'm using a failed early project, when I just learned fusible interfacing makes your project better, but I hadn't quite figured out how and it became a bubbling mess.

Slowly, this fully interfaced mess of a dress is turning into bowties and belts and ooh I can probably get a corset out of it!

This pattern is definitely harder than the other belt patterns I tried. I started doing it with the machine, but had to redo things by hand. However, I have a feeling it may be worth it.

[blackjackkent]

VERY challenging fight among the mind flayer pods. I think this might be the first time Hector and Co. have actually fought mind flayers directly, and these fuckers are SCARY. They have an attack called Mind Blast which can (and did, on one occasion) stun the entire group out of their turns, and another called "Extract Brain" which didn't seem to do exactly what it said on the tin (thankfully) but did do an absolute shitton of damage. I had to restart the fight twice because Hector was unconscious for the subsequent conversation with Zevlor, which I wanted him to be awake for. XD

(I've realized recently that I completely fucked up redoing his build as an Open Hand monk and I need to redo it again, but I haven't been able to go back to camp since we went down the Flesh Slide. But for Act 3 hopefully he will be a little beefier. For right now I'm just pretending that he's doing more work than he's actually doing in combat. :P )

The thing I'm most worried about here is that we don't have the option of taking a long rest, and everyone is REALLY hurting and low on spell slots and there's got to be some enormous boss battle coming up. :/ But we'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess.

Also, Zevlor and the two Flaming Fist who were also in the pods fucking KICKED ASS during this fight. I don't know if I buy the tieflings' story that he showed cowardice out in the shadow-cursed lands, because he was definitely not messing around against these mind flayers. My personal suspicion is that he tried to surrender because innocents were in danger of being hurt, and didn't realize that surrendering to the Absolute cult isn't like surrendering to sane people.

But I guess we'll find out because we can talk to him now!

"Hells. I didn't think I was going to make it... Thank you..."

Wyll chimes in before Hector can speak. "Zevlor."

Zevlor glances towards him - then does a double-take, registering the horns and mottled skin now gracing the man's face and head. "Watching gods... The Blade of Frontiers? Wyll? What happened?" he asks, startled.

Wyll smiles bitterly. "I paid the price of angering the wrong devil." His voice is surprisingly cool, cautious, despite having known Zevlor before. The tales they have heard of Zevlor's supposed cowardice have clearly bothered him more than he's let on; after all, he considers himself the protector of the common people.

Zevlor looks at him steadily for a moment. His own smile is sad, weary. "And shouldered the cost to spare someone else a worse fate, I'd wager," he murmurs. A pause; then he turns to look at Hector. "I... owe you an explanation," he says. "Much more than that. But first... please..." His glowing gold eyes narrow anxiously, betraying the placidity of the rest of his expression. "The others. The ambush... tell me they survived."

Hector nods slowly. He isn't really sure what to think of Zevlor at this point; the reports of his cowardice and surrender do not mesh with the image he has seen of the man himself. "They found refuge," he says cautiously. Well, most of them at least. "But what the hells happened out there, Zevlor?"

"You've heard some of it, I'm sure," Zevlor says flatly. "That I froze, or broke, or some other lie that is kinder than the truth." His gaze grows distant, lost in memory. "We were ambushed by cultists, yes. And then I heard... Her. Their false god, whispering promises in my mind. I would be a paladin again - with a god's purpose, a god's power. Everything I needed to protect my people." He swallows, squeezes his eyes shut, regret and shame written in every line of his face. "And all the while, the cult tortured them. They fought, and ran, and died around me, while I imagined myself their savior."

He scowls, opens his eyes again, though he can't seem to quite meet Hector's. "By the time I regained my senses, it was too late. I did not just surrender to the Absolute," he mutters. "For a moment, I welcomed it."

Oh, gods. Hector stares at him, unsure whether to feel sympathy or revulsion.

The great horror of the Absolute, he reflects, is not in all the death, or even in the eldritch transformation and absorption of the mind flayer hive mind. It's in the way that this enemy preys upon the deepest weaknesses and fears of those it consumes, stripping them bare, with no corner of safety or identity left to them.

He saw only a few minutes ago how Zevlor suffered during the aftermath of the Descent - a paladin of Elturel, attacked and exiled by his own people without cause, his faith shattered apart. Yet another flavor of that same lost emptiness that Hector has seen in Lae'zel, in Shadowheart, as they have seen a pillar of their life taken from under them. Is it any wonder that, given a vision of that certainty being returned to him, he should be tempted by it?

Hector could, no doubt, chastise Zevlor for the weakness - but what good would it do? It's obvious that Zevlor already feels more shame than he can bear for what he did, for the loss of control and the sacrifices that went with it.

Like Madeline, in the grip of He Who Was, grieving for those she turned over to the Justiciars. I cannot grant you forgiveness you deny to yourself - but I can tell you that I understand.

"It sounds like you were being enthralled," he says quietly. "It's not your fault.

"It would be nice to think so," Zevlor says; his shoulders relax just slightly at the expression of understanding but none of the tension leaves his eyes. "But whatever these monsters twist us into... I believe it begins in us." He lets out a heavy breath, steadies himself - the military mind taking over, although Hector sees in the moment something of his own rituals of calming and self-discipline.

"I won't make excuses," Zevlor continues, more briskly. "I can't make amends. But I know something of what you came to do - I want to help, if you'll let me." He glances past Hector down the slime-ridden corridor behind him. "Ketheric is below. He thinks you're no longer a menace. Descend and show him how wrong he is. If there are any more survivors to be found, I'll find them and lead them out of this place."

Hector nods slowly, impressed by the force of personality it is clearly taking for Zevlor to stand against his own shame and exhaustion. "I could use another blade in the fight to come," he points out.

Zevlor smiles without humor. "Only if you can trust it won't be buried in your back. The Absolute swayed me once before. I won't risk it happening again." He puts a hand against Hector's shoulder briefly. "Go, my friend. Please. Let me do this much."

He lets his hand fall, turns and walks away down the corridor.

----------

Hector watches him go, his eyebrows knitted together in a troubled frown. "Damn," he mutters. "What a mess." He sighs, rubs a hand down his face. "I'm glad we found him. He's a good man, in spite of... all of this."

Wyll raises one shoulder in a slight shrug. "I want to think you're right," he says. "But people died because of his moment of weakness. Innocent people. People who trusted him to protect them."

Hector glances sideways at him. "And who is to say what vulnerable spot of ours would not be dredged up to destroy us at this moment, if the Prism was not protecting us?" he points out. A rueful smile tugs his lips for a moment. "We all have our regrets. Things we would like the power to change. None of us are exempt from that."

Wyll tips his head to the side and returns the wry smile after a moment's pause. "I suppose I can't argue with you there."

[badlydrawnmanic]

for those of you who were asking about the scourge playlist when i was talking about his voice, here it is

7/25 songs are from natewantstobattle so it's no wonder i inadvertently picked his performance as damien to be the voice claim

i really need to redo that text on the playlist cover...

explanation under the cut i guess?

1: now's your chance honestly not sure about this one? i think the vibe i was going for was that, when he met sonic for the first time, something sort of clicked in him, or... snapped, rather. it's a realization of some sort. realization of what? i dunno. that's above my pay grade.

2-7: don't threaten me with a good time emperor's new clothes pit of vipers phantom branded mean green mother from outer space this section's more so just about his descent into being a complete and utter shithead. these songs are mostly about vibes and he thinks he's the coolest motherfucker alive. he's still on the upswing, but that isn't necessarily a good thing

8-9: brand new day it's tough to be a god this is probably his highest point? his whole king of the world shtick is at its strongest here. he's kicking ass and taking names and thinks he's invincible. little does he know that he absolutely is not that

10-12: this is love sarcasm war! you know how he's been betrayed by not one but two of the gangs he brought together, pissing them off to the point they tried to kill him? yeah. this is that resentment. it's probably targeted mostly at romantic partners like fiona and alicia, but still. mad

13: big shot this is mostly a transition song. the frantic nature of it feels like it makes it clear that things are falling apart around him, and stuff's gonna get bad real quick despite him hyping himself up as some kind of larger than life, unstoppable villain. he's bitten off more than he can chew and it's about to give him a rude awakening

14: discord another segment with just one song - i forget if i've dumped this plot point on this blog before, but i want it to be a surprise. long story short, he's lost, can't go home, everything that was familiar to him is now gone, and he's had this sort of revelation that bigger things are happening. he's just along for the ride

15: other friends during his desperate jumps between universes, i imagine he ran into another sonic at some point by sheer coincidence. all that stress he's built up during this is coming out right now. he feels abandoned and scared and all he knows how to do is hurt people, so he fights this random sonic for no reason and probably gets his ass kicked despite his vicious facade

16-18: ruler of everything drift away god syndrome not quite a descent into madness, but it's close enough. he's been alone with his thoughts with nothing to pour his frustration into. he's realizing just how small he is and how far he's fallen, wishing he just stayed home and faced the same whatever his "friends" fell victim to, but it's too late. not only is his survival instinct too strong, he's simply too stubborn to quit. he's made it this far

19: the guide to success sort of an inner monologue? this one's another vibes one. i sort of imagined him talking to his younger self during this. it's sort of a was it worth it? thing. he feels regret. he knows what he's done is wrong, but he refuses to admit it, retreating into the shell he's built up over the years

20: freeze your brain over the course of his adventures, i imagine he finds himself in yet another universe. the cinematic i had in my head was that he runs into an amy who, seeing a stranger who looks vaguely like sonic and is clearly distressed, asks him if he's okay. cue the sad boy trauma dumping. the 7/11 employee in the background is not very happy (and scourge probably keeps refilling his cup without paying for it)

21: look who's inside again more self criticism. wondering where he went wrong. reminiscing about his childhood, wondering who he really is. all that jazz

22: bury a friend this is where he meets manic. he doesn't understand his kindness. he's low-key paranoid that he's gonna be stabbed in the back again, but the time never comes. despite his abrasiveness, his tough guy persona, his general standoffishness, his disregard for this random dude who let him in his house, offering nothing in return, manic continues to tolerate him, just being kind. this is something scourge can't wrap his head around and it's filling him with this frustration and guilt he wants to take out on him, but he just can't bring himself to. he's grown soft, whether he likes it or not, and it makes him feel weak

23: the wrecked and the worried scourge has tried to leave before. multiple times. he just can't bring himself to go, and every time he disappears, it's for longer and longer periods because he feels so conflicted about it. manic shows genuine concern for him. hanging out with this guy is the safest scourge has felt in a long time, and he isn't sure how to deal with that. there's a certain guilt to it, feeling like him existing there is putting manic in danger because of the zone cops on his tail, but he just can't leave

24-25: creep i'd rather be me with you (caleb hyles) scourge feels like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to be cared about by someone else, but manic continues to treat him with that unwavering kindness and understanding he always did. scourge sees him as a friend now, but is afraid of getting hurt again, and is low-key afraid of hurting manic. he's afraid he'll blow up in his face or cause some shit that ends up reverberating back to this fucking nerd. that he'll inadvertently do something so bad, it makes manic lose his patience and finally cut him off. it's his nature to be a terrible person, right...?

he doesn't understand how he could be cared about so much by someone, or how he could care about someone else in the same way. it's hard to love and be loved, even platonically, when you haven't been loved before

if he could break down his cracking walls... if he could be his true self, maybe he wouldn't feel like such a burden

if he could be his true self, maybe he'd learn how to love and be loved in a genuine, authentic way, just like manic does

[inkweedandlizards]

Happy late valentines! I wanted to finish my January art by now but urgh, February is kicking my ass as much as January did. I keep missing wip wednesday and seven sentence sunday and now I missed Valentines. 😭

I accidentally deleted some layers in my art so I need to do more then I thought to finish (Carlos lost his skin 💀) and I also wanna delete/repost my blindfold fanart because I'm not pleased with it and I redid it to match my pearl one.

So now I wanna post them as a matched set but one isn't finished and the other is haunting me on tumblr, lol.

I also posted and deleted my latest TK drawing, I wanna rethink and maybe redo it, I dunno. I think some of my stuff doesn't really fit in here so it might go in the sketch graveyard, I have a few there, lol. Sorry I like covering you in blood and putting you in skirts, TK.

Anyway, thank you for tagging me in the past few weeks, sorry I've been absent, I'll try to catch up and reblog what I've missed soon. 🥲

[spacecasesimmies]

Hi! I was wondering if you plan on updating some of the "Feeding You" poses to work with infants... Or maybe even creating more "chaotic" and realistic breastfeeding poses! I love your work <3

Oooh yeah! I've been on kind of a horse kick lately, but I was actually thinking of going back and redoing some of my old toddler poses to fill them in with infants at some point!

[cinnasaur]

don't mind me i just need to vent somewhere

dude i'm so lonely i genuinely can't take it lately but im especially miserable right now cuz i'm sick and my period just started )':

i'd take all that without complaint if i just didn't have to feel like This, man. i just don't want to be alone. i miss being close to my ex so bad, i miss friends, just spending time with people, sharing art and oc stuff and rping and having fun together... i don't want to have to grieve alone.. i wish i could just redo the last year. i don't think i fully understand what happened, but i wish i could've done better sooner. i wish i could just Be Better. i'd do anything for another chance.

i've been waiting for this nighttime cold medicine to kick in so i can fucken Breathe enough to lay down but i can't stop crying and getting myself even more stuffed up and i simply feel like epic fail guy

[mousemilf]

6, 20, 28, 37, 69

omg sorry i didnt get to this for a couple days!!

6. What are you excited for?

right now i am really excited abt redoing our bedroom and living room!!! i just bought a lamp today that im gonna paint and make a lampshade for and i got rid of our dining chairs and im planning to make a bar cabinet (i saw one at an antique store that was like, vertical with shelves and a wine rack and places to hang wine glasses in, plus enclosed cabinets to put anything thats not as pretty and basically i think it would be very easy to copy if i could find a bookshelf or plant shelf for cheap for it)

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

lately i've been feeling a lot more confident at work and i think this past year has been about me realizing that im not actually putting off grad school i just genuinely dont want to go and i am much much happier decorating fancy cakes than i ever was in an academic setting + realizing this is actually the more stable and secure option..... reorienting my goals to focus on this career etc......

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

im wine drunk rn and my dumbass boyfriend is refusing to catch up w me so i am trying to make him.....

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

i think i do if we mean love not as in romantic partnership but as in the way i love pumpkin bread and leather smell...... like i love the adorable old lady i talked to at a thrift shop the other day in the same way i love my coworkers puppy ive only seen pictures of..... but it is very real to me.......

69. Ever take dance lessons?

i actually did irish dance as a teenager lol. i was pretty good bcs i could do really high kicks w my loose hips but i stopped once i started having ankle and knee problems..... one of the older girls that went there had had two knee surgeries already bcs all the jumping is rly hard on ur joints.... that could have been me...... thank god!

love youuuuuuuuy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[kelmcdonald]

How is it already April?

crossposted from my newsletter.

Thanks to everyone who came to Emerald City and stopped by! While I did recover from my sinus infection before going, my throat/voice didn't come back until like a week or 2 ago.

This month I'm redoing the Fame and Misfortune live reading. If you don't remember, when I did it in February my mic was broken. I have a new mic! So take two of the live reading is happening! Tune into my twitch on April 22nd at noon PST.

This month is also the release month of The Lizard Prince and Other South American Stories. This is the last Cautionary Fables and Fairytales volume. Iron Circus told me they will get the warehouse at the end of the month. Then it can start going out to backers and stores! 

Also, I want to give a shout out to my pal Matt Wilson's Zoop campaign, Imposter Syndicate. It's about folks who are hired to take over supervillian mantles after a supervillian dies or goes to jail. It has 11 days left to fund. 

Also this month's full moon movie is The Wolf Man, the one for the 40s. If you'd like to join we'll be watching it on April 6th at 4pm PST. Just click here to join the discord.

As always I'll be streaming art on Twitch. My schedule is currently the following:

Tuesday 8pm-10pm PST

Wednesday 8pm-10pm PST

Thursday 6pm-9pm PST (during the Iron Circus Geekshow)

March kicked my ass. Between Emerald City and being sick, I had a lot to catch up on. Both from Seven Seas, Iron Circus, and my comics all had a stack of work to finish up. Honestly, I'm kinda depressed about the fact that I still haven't been able to finish Blue Moon. While Spike is understanding about the delays (given that organizing crowdfunds for her is part of the delay), I'm frustrated at the lack of progress. 

I'm also kinda frustrated with my art lately. Last month I mentioned I might have to put You are the Chosen One on hiatus after the current chapter, but I think I might switch to every other week. It's only way I'm gonna have time to push myself on it the way I want. Regardless, I'd rather wait for Chapter 3 to wrap up before making that schedule change. Until then. I'll just be tired I guess.

But because I don't know any better, I started learning Japanese from Duolingo and Rosetta Stone. I appreciate that they are small enough lessons that I can do them little bit by little bit.  Anyway, while working this is what I've been watching and reading:

History of the World Part 2 - I basically grew up on Mel Brooks movies. I've seen all his movies before graduating high school. So when Hulu said it was making a History of the World Part 2 series, I had to watch it. I didn't quite know what to expect, but had to check it out. Like many sketch shows, the sketches are hit or miss. But when it's funny it's REALLY funny. Johny Knoxvill plays Rasputin in a jackass parody that shows all the way Rasputin is killed and it's so much funnier than it has any right to be. It's definitely worth a watch if you like Mel Brooks.

Palm Springs - This is another comedy where I didn't know what to expect. Groundhog Day but starring Andy Samberg didn't strike me as super original but the trailer looked funny, so I put it on while drawing. It was not only funny but much more heartfelt than I expected. Andy Samberg's characters starts the movie as having already been in the time loop for a long time. He has to relive a wedding he's a guest at over and over. The movies starts when the sister of the bride gets trapped in the timeloop with him. Having two people in the time loop gives it more interesting dynamic than the usual timeloop story. Both characters' different approach to the timeloop adds push and pull to the relationship. And it is just really funny. 

Tár - Right before Emerald City Comic Con a youtuber I like, Maggie Mae Fish, made a video about this movie. And how it examines how people abuse power. The basic summary of the movie is Tár is a conductor at the top of her field and she keep abusing her power, mostly to sleep with/date/groom young attractive women that work for her. It's an interesting movie because if it was about a man it would be a cliche. But because Tár is a woman, the movie can focus on the details and specifics of her abuse of power. There is a lot of attention to detail that helps the movie work on another level. I think if I say anything more, then I'd end up getting into spoilers/would basically be writing an essay about it.

Wolf Pack - I thought this was a sequel to MTV's Teen Wolf. And it is not. It has the same show runner and effects team, so it LOOKS like it should be connected to Teen Wolf, but instead it's much more serious. Which is kinda a shame. The show is kinda stiff in its seriousness. There are interesting bits here and there, like all the werewolves only get one werewolf power unless they are all together. But in its attempt to be series, it also tries to throw in one too many twists and then ends the show by taking a sharp turn into ableist messaging. 

Witch Hat Atelier Volume 1 by Kamome Shirahama - Last month I mentioned I've been listening to the podcast Mangasplaining. This and the next pick are the first of what will probably be several manga I check out based on that podcast. I had been recommended Witch Hat Atelier before and just put it off because time. Mangasplaining reviewing it was the final push I needed. They basically mentioned that magic in this series is 100% a metaphor for art. And appropriately, the art is just so beautiful that it's inspiring. I think it and Ghost Cage were part of what made me think I need to take the time to level up my art.

Delicious in Dungeon by Ryoko Kui - This series I read a bunch of before the pandemic and then the library stopped being up to date on it/interrupted me checking em out regularly. If you aren't familiar, it's about dnd style adventurers exploring a dungeon and experimenting with cooking the monsters they kill (so they don't have to go back for supplies). It's almost over so I went and grabbed the books I hadn't read yet (like 5 I think). This one is really cute and I've liked how the plot has developed from the original premise to something with more complicated.

Ghost Cage by Nick Dragotta and Caleb Goellner - I picked this up because I know both Nick and Caleb. They had the first few issues at SDCC and I made a note to grab the trade when it's out. The premiss is this little robot guy has to fight personifications of what humans use for power (above is Fossil Fuel). The art is the real star of the show. It looks cool as hell and it is the star of the show. The paneling is really rad and interesting. Like I said with Witch Hat Atelier, it left me inspired to try and up my art.

Backpacking through Bedlam (Book 12 in Incryptid series) by Seanan McGuire - The Incryptid series is about a family of Cryptozoologists. This books picks up right after a semi cliffhanger from the last book. It's kinda hard to talk about it on its own. I liked it but I kinda wish it and the book right before it were one book.

That's everything I've been from me this month. I hope I can get a little more time to focus on stuff.

[hella1975]

hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Well, I finished it, only a day late! You know what that means, don't you?

¡Feliz Dia de los Muertos!

Yeah, 'tis still the season, so I'mma say I made it! XD

This took forever because it is a sliver of a concept that's been kicking in my head for years, but I've not been able to get a plot for other than 'redo the entire series' which I am...not great at. I mean, six seasons? A million characters? I've yet to successfully complete on 50k novel - although hopefully by the end of the month. *knocks on wood* That means this needed a lot of explaining kinda vague concepts in a small space. Hopefully it's not too cerebral.

Also, this totally counts as an entry to the 'Thomas likes unicorns' challenge @alex51324 started however many ages ago before I was even in the fandom. BOOM! I finally got something in!

And now, 'tis time for NANOing! My goals are, as always:

Write 50k

Finish revising the Thomas as Heir fic so I can maybe get it up next year

Finish another small thing or two

Make my minimum word count every day

Outline a new thing that's been chewing on my brain for a bit

Of course, I'm also getting my Covid booster on Friday and that normally sets me On My Ass for a couple of days, and then my Thanksgiving croissant-and-pie schedule looks like it might not be as NANO conducive this year (although it could be worse), so!

WISH ME ALL OF THE BROKEN LEGS, PEEPS!

[dzpenumbra]

7/2/23

Two more night cycles to go and then it's National Blow shit up to remind people of what the cannon fire sounded like when our adult males were getting blown to pieces trying to secure independence from greedy politicians who were excessively taxing their colonies Day. It's a good thing we still celebrate holidays for what they actually are. By getting piss drunk on cheap beer, watching people set off increasingly excessive amounts of fireworks, complaining about how we thought it was going to be cooler... or... about how they kinda overdid it... I honestly... I'm not sure what holidays are actually left that aren't religious holidays that still hold their actual meaning. That meaning... holidays which are still celebrated by the majority as they were intended. We have somehow managed to make literally every holiday revolve around work, money and material possessions. It's just upsetting.

Maybe I'm just hearing the loudest voices. I really hope so, I've been feeling that way for a while... like, I struggle to get out and shit because of crippling anxiety stuff, and that oscillates into the realm of agoraphobia sometimes... and most of it... I've been really feeling like it stems from just... hearing the loudest, craziest, most extreme voices. And those people being massively amplified.

I see the worst case scenarios, the outliers, and I just... assume that most people are like that. Why? Because I was surrounded by fucked up people my whole life and never knew it. It just feels like it's so rare that people are good, and kind, and generous, and selfless, and compassionate. Because that's been my personal experience. And I want so bad to believe that there is a decent percentage of good people out there, but my survival instincts... the clusters of neurological tissue hugging my brainstem that are trained to keep me alive and intact... they are pretty familiar with what happens when you make friends with wolves in sheep's clothing. So... it's like any social step forward can feel like not just a leap of faith, but a battle against my own reflexes.

I'll get there. In time. Again, I just need to build a bigger bank of good social experiences, and the mental fire alarm will start calibrating back to something a bit more live-able.

I am actually nodding off, I have no idea if I'm even making sense. It's super hot and humid, and late. And I did exhausting yoga and a big workout today. I started with dreams about my dog, which was hard. Then woke up right as my Instacart delivery was en route. The guy refunded half of my essentials - two bags of granola for breakfasts, and two bags of chicken for dinners... And I had zero time to figure that out because I was fucking asleep, he had already checked out, no replacements, just straight to refund. I'm still upset about that. So... I'm gonna have to figure that out.

But I went to get my food and had no problems at all. No anxiety, no stress, nothing. Just popped some gum so I didn't overwhelm anyone with morning breath and just did my thing.

I did a new yoga video, it was intense but it was nice. I did my workout, which was super intense. Lots of kicks, and my hips are just... not great. So... I did my best. But I'm definitely noticing a difference in my range of motion, which is good.

Showered, played Hades, made really good veggie burritos for dinner and streamed. I streamed Blender animation. It went... good at first, but I got to a point where I put the cart ahead of the horse and... now I have to redo probably about half an hour of work. Not the end of the world, but enough for me to be upset. I called it there, ended the stream and played Hades again to round the night out. No one came to stream again. I really need to do something about that. Again, I think social media is the answer, I just need to build a habit.

Here's an idea... I'm gonna be ending this journal in just over a month. I think, I'm not sure. It's weird, I've grown so used to doing this, it's hard to imagine not doing it. But... around new years, my goal became to do this for an entire year, every night. And I think the year mark is around August 22ish. So... maybe when I end here... I do blogging on my primary account - which currently has absolutely fuck-all on it. Maybe a bit less personal... and more... about life stuff? And things I'm learning, things related to my work, my research, skills I'm developing, shit like that? Maybe less therapy-type stuff and more... things directly related to pieces I'm doing. And I can just slot that in where my current journaling time is. So I can be steadily putting out stuff on my social media. I mean, I have a social media habit, you're looking at it right now... I just... I've been using it as a social experiment rather than actually attempting to connect with people. It's not a bad plan, it's something, I'll keep thinking it over. I really should keep journaling too though... so... that's a bit messy... Hmm...

So yeah, it can be a bit depressing streaming to no one. But I've been doing it for years now. It just is what it is. Honestly, it's much less pressure with no VoDs on. Then I only have to worry about people watching in the moment, not anyone who might be digging through my recorded streams. And I don't have to worry about any potential DMCA, even though I have my audio split anyway.

Anyways, it's getting super late so I'm gonna do tarot and call it a night because I'm actually nodding off... and I really just want to lay in front of my fan.

Past - Four of Cups, inverted (Apathy, disinterest.  Being offered gifts and opportunities, but being uninterested.) Present - Seven of Wands, inverted (Standing your ground, defending your position; often when heavily outnumbered.  Courage, strength, fortitude and aptitude.) Future - Six of Cups, inverted (Nostalgia, memories, past relationships.  Learning from and reconciling with the past, to create a better future.)

First one is a new one, inverted Four of Cups. But I vaguely remember this one from when I was studying the Black Tarot, my other deck. The Three of Cups is the party card, the Four of Cups represents the hangover. That's all I really remember about it, so... I'd guess... sluggish, recovering, not feeling well? I'll study it at the end of this and add it to my doc.

This is connected to inverted Seven of Wands. Damn, another new one. I could only speculate about this, so I'm going to leave it for now.

The final card is the inverted Six of Cups. I have gotten this one time before. I think it's... reflection? Reflecting on past experiences and learning from them in order to move forward? Cups are all about emotions... Five we got last night, it's grief/sorrow/loss. So, I see Six as like... learning lessons from the past in order to overcome grief and move forward.

Alright, let's learn us some cards, shall we? Welp, I was... pretty far off with my speculation on Four of Cups. Four of Cups is apathy, it's turning away opportunities and offers out of disinterest. So, I mean... in a way the hangover idea fits? Kinda? But it's more emotional than having overdone it and just not feeling well. And I keep getting flashes back to... what I call "past lives"... past incarnations of myself from my late 20's and even early 20's, when I would just... out-of-hand dismiss offers from people, kindness from people. Which, now? In this social drought? Seems ludicrous. And there is regret and shame attached so it's difficult to engage with, but that lack of emotion, that symbol, that action... I'm assuming that is what the card is referring to as a source, and that apathy really wreaking havoc on my life, and I was very well stuck in it for a long fuckin time.

Next is Seven of Wands. This one is kinda intense. It's having the courage to stand your ground and defend yourself when severely outnumbered. At first glance, it's weird that wands have so much conflict-related stuff (you'd think swords would be more about conflict) but wands are fire... so... that kinda comes with the territory. So the whole... kinda being stuck in dysfunctional apathy and aloofness thing... it led to situations where I really should have been standing my ground, setting firm boundaries, having pride and confidence in myself and my life... my new self and my new life. And... I didn't. I was blocked, I caved. I failed to have the courage many of the times, and when I did? It took a heavy toll. But throughout, I was very fearful, trembling.

This resolves in an inverted Six of Cups. Which is actually pretty super dead on, actually. Struggling to connect with my past, and because of that disconnect, struggling to learn those lessons accurately in order to be prepared for the future. In fact, on stream today, I was considering playing Corelia's album from 2012. It used to be one of my favorite albums back then, I even did vocal covers of two of their songs. And I really feel uncomfortable even thinking about connecting with things from the past a lot of the time. One, because it's a reminder that I'm getting old very quickly. Two, because... of what happened in-between? All the things I've lost? I don't know. It's a haunting feeling. Hard to put in words. Nostalgia has not felt good for me in a while, it feels like... like seeing a ghost. It's eerie and unsettling, and I guess I've been afraid of the memories and associations that come with it. Periphery III is a great example of that. That album has multiple waves of trauma associated with it. And soon... soon I will be able to reclaim it. But this inverted Six of Cups really screams that specific problem to me. Not being able to connect with memories in a healthy way, so... because of that... I struggle to shape a clear perspective image in order to feel safe moving forward.

Very powerful message tonight. My past apathy (both med induced and... upbringing/depression induced) led to a series of massive defeats after I reconnected with my emotions, and both of these have put me in a state where I struggle to put the lessons I was supposed to learn from the past into practice, because of the emotional minefield back there. Let's see if the placeholder card has anything to contribute. The Sun. Revelation, the road ahead, optimism, growth. After three inverted cards. XD How weird is it that the culmination of that message is a struggle looking at the road behind, when the context card - the card I use to hold my place in the reference book when looking up definitions - represents the road ahead.

Maybe I should try that album out tomorrow. Might be a good time to reclaim some of my past, and prove to myself that these are still beautiful things. Just because they were in proximity to painful things, doesn't mean they themselves should be associated with them. It's tough with music though, music resonates emotion with me so intensely.

Anyway, it's super late. Bed.