#I've been in therapy for years and my relationship with food has long since improved haha

[emblemxeno]

Hi! Is it alright to ask you what is it that you like and dislike about Seadall? (Based in yout previous post)

I love Seadall's backstory and him being a dancer. Anything that has to do with performing is a very entertaining character to me as a fellow performer, plus the types of language he uses along with his fortune telling make for really good conversations. My favorite supports of his are with Citrinne, Alcryst, Yunaka, and Veyle, because they all use those parts of him really well. Shoutout to his voice actor as well, very good performance, I love his soothing voice.

But. The big, big detraction for me is how Seadall's relationship with food is written. I hesitate to call it or name it any kind of eating disorder (mostly because I lack the knowledge and therefore the sensitivity to properly talk about it), but the whole "food has to be a certain way in order for me to function properly, I can't succumb to my own happiness" is definitely an unhealthy way of living. And part of why it's such a dislike for me is because it's unfortunately not too far off from what I've experienced before, where I've tried to weigh how much food I've eaten vs. how much work/how productive I've been that day to make sure I've "earned it", even though it's food and we all need food to live.

However I give the game some grace on this-and it's why I might have an improved opinion on him later-because all the supports that deal with his food issues (Rosado, Timerra, Chloe and Alear) end in a way that have him learn that eating what he likes doesn't equal overindulgence like he thinks it does and that if he treats himself better, he'll actually dance better in the long run. Though there is also an air of comedy to these supports as well, so again, bleh. Mixed feelings. Thanks for the ask!

[darksideofthemoonbot]

Slaanesh

As I previously covered my favourite chaos god, Nurgle, I thought I'd go on to my second favourite: Slaanesh. Not my favourite but the one I relate to the most. Fair warning, this gets personal and not especially amusing. Rather dark actually.

For context to start: I have chronic pain, fibromyalgia stemming from childhood trauma, since I was nine years old. I also have significant mental health issues for which I get therapy and medication. I have only been treated for the chronic pain for a few years, after about 27 years of literal constant torture by my own nervous system.

I understand obsession and chasing the next sensation. Of extremes of passion and self destructive indulgences. I self medicated in various ways for a long time. I am also, as I joke sometimes, a "recovering yandere". I've had times where I've become so obsessed with someone I only know online, that I spent the entire day staring at a message screen waiting for a reply, despite them probably being at work or otherwise busy; because interacting with them was the only thing that mattered and gave my life purpose. New sensations, greater sensations, were always needed to escape the torture chamber of my body.

On a lighter note: on to the circles of seduction

Avidity – I grew up in the 80s and 90s, when "greed is good" was really taking hold in public consciousness. Despite that, this temptation has rarely been much of a love of mine. I collect sins as a hobby but my desire for money has not generally been for money's sake, more on that later.

Gluttony – for so long, food was more an annoyance to me than anything. The suffering drowned out any enjoyment so it was merely a tedious habit I had to partake in to survive.

However! Now that I am getting treatment, I can enjoy things again. And the lack of familiarity with pleasure from food makes it so intense sometimes! Most recently I had a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich on generic store-bought whole wheat bread. It was so good. Unbelievably good. My mouth tingled so much it tickled and I almost had to stop eating. The savoury all natural peanut butter, the sweet tang of the jelly, and the soft squishy texture of the bread. Oh dear gods it was heavenly.

Carnality – this seems to be what people first think of when they think of Slaanesh, which to people not on the ace spectrum is probably obvious. For a long time I thought I was ace. No interest, in fact I was hostile to the idea due to trauma. But trauma response is not the same as being ace, and it turns out I am not. Very not. Switch/vers, bi. And in a committed relationship of 24 years with a partner who has no complaints, heh.

Paramountcy – power, control, influence. These are a heady wine for many. I have considered running for local office, school board or something, with ambitions to perhaps state level. Not that I have the means, I am regrettably disabled and the demands of power are too much for me. Doesn't stop me dreaming. And thinking I am more worthy than others to wield such power. Perhaps foolishly.

Vainglory – remember greed above? This is where it gets me. I don't want money for money sake; I want it for all the good I could do with it. Buy and forgive debt. Start businesses that pay better and sell lower. Scholarships. Political influence to improve people's lives materially. Providing food to those in need free of charge. Building low/no rent but well maintained housing. Just do a whole lot of good with vast fortunes. Because then people will love me, cherish me, praise me for my largesse kindness. I will be invited to all the public events, have hospitals named after me, get messages of gratitude from all those I've helped. To be worshipped, in a secular way, for my use of my money. And yet remain rich, for after a certain threshold money compounds upon itself indefinitely.

Indolency – here's the circle where I die. I am... so tired. Decades of misery have drained me. Medications sap my energy even as they reduce my pain. I've had long swathes of time where I'd go to bed around 21:00 and sleep until 10:00. And then nap in the afternoon. Napping in fact was my chief hobby for many years. I didn't know relaxation until recently, as I was always tense; trying to hold myself up so less of me was pressed on a surface, because it hurt. I still struggle to relax and let a bed or chair hold me up without my effort. It is an alien sensation, frightful in a way, as though I will fall through the world if I let go.

The Palace of Pleasure – no line uncrossed, no barrier unbroken, no debasement too low, no extreme too high. Worry not, dear reader, I do in fact have scruples. But I relate to the notion well. After half a lifetime of senses dulled by endless unchanging aches and an unbalanced mind, I yearn. I yearn for all those experiences that many take for granted. The joy of a sandwich, the thrill of minor ambition, the softness of restorative rest. Pleasure. It isn't what I expected. I imagined pleasure as a passive feeling, a relaxation and untroubled feeling. A soothing of the pain, I couldn't imagine more. Yet it is more than that. It feels very much like the opposite of pain, an intense and sometimes stabbing sensation. A good one. Like a pain but you want to experience it. Pleasure can be so good and so intense, a mirror of what life used to be.

And I want more.

[thoughtsaboutautism]

I suffer with autism: a response to Chloe Hayden's post on instagram.

I started writing this as a response to someone's question on Twitter, but as I kept getting involved into all the reasons why autism causes daily suffering for me, I decided to turn this into a longer post. The language might sound harsh if you're not used to it. I don't hate myself, I don't even hate my autism because I know I was born this way and there is absolutely nothing that can change that. However, when faced with affirmations that all my struggles are caused by society by others, then I have to come forward and say this type of stuff because I know I am not the only one that feels this way, and I know most people who feel this way are afraid to say this or can't even put into words like I can. So, here we go.

My biggest struggle in life in loneliness. I suffer with being lonely everyday, all day. And this happens because of my autism. I feel that my autism keeps me from establishing true connections and relationships to others. A Portuguese nonverbal autistic man once wrote: "autism takes from us what is most valuable and unique in a human life: the ability to connect to others". This is exactly how I feel. I find it extremely hard, boring and tiring to talk about things that aren't of my interest. As you can imagine this makes interacting with anyone an extremely difficult task because friendship is made of two sides, not only one. My speech and language difficulties also make it hard for me to speak, I can only speak for a certain amount of time before I get too tired of decoding my thoughts into phrases. It feels like a manual job for me: while everyone else is able to speak freely as their thoughts come in mind, I have to do the work manually. Does AAC help? Yeah, it does, but not entirely, because I still have language difficulties, which means that using language in anyway is difficult, not only speaking is a challenge, but communicating.

My cognitive rigidity also makes it very hard to make friends. I find it difficult to interact with people who have different set of beliefs than mine and I don't mean difficult like everyone finds it difficult. I mean difficult in a way that my best friend from school converted to christianity 3 years ago and I still have written long lists of pros and cons of being her friend, I have tons of writings on my notebook about what I should do, how I should act, researching morality to understand if I can keep a friend like her: has she adopted any radical beliefs since she converted? Would I invite her to my (lesbian) wedding if I ever get married? Does she believe in hell and heaven? Is she pro-choice? She is still nice to me, but I don't agree to certain beliefs, what should I do? All of these questions "live" in my head almost daily and it's been 3 whole years.

My rigidity also makes it almost impossible to go to new places, which is something all young adults my age like to do. Not only I find it difficult to visit new places, these places have to be quiet, they have to be somewhere where I can easily get home or a place where my parents can pick me up (because I have a hard time going places on my own), they have to have something I eat, or I have to bring my own food. With all of those needs, you can imagine that most young adults don't want to take care of someone like me when going out, but rather they want a friend and the sad truth is, I can't be a friend. Because my needs are almost always too much to deal with. And I don't blame others, I don't expect a friend to be a carer. This is the reality I've come to accept and why I work so hard in therapy to improve my issues with autism.

Sensory sensitivity and motor skills difficulties make my daily life a living hell. I can't stand the sun, the wind blowing on my face, dogs barking, cars, motorbikes, babies, kids, sometimes I have to leave my own piano lessons early because the piano is too loud or sometimes too shrill. Everything I do like getting food at the Cafeteria at University needs to be done with extremely careful movements. I easily let stuff fall down, break stuff, when eating I make a whole mess because I have difficulty holding the fork and knife and everything related. I constantly hurt myself badly. I have bad posture and bad ankles because of tiptoeing, which cause me excruciating pain.

I have trouble understanding simple concepts, simple social skills. I have trouble reading books and articles because of my language. I have trouble following whatever the Professor's talking about in class if they don't follow a straight line of thought, any distraction, any deviation from the original topic confuses me. I can't organize things in my head anymore. I need three times the time to get through a paragraph a normal person needs because language is so hard for me to comprehend. Yes, it's not all bad, I am myself a language genius (not really a genius, but let's just pretend). Yes, I can memorize grammar structures extremely easily. But I can't comprehend a sentence with any hidden meaning. I can't interpret a text that uses different meanings of words and different figures of speech. And when I get frustrated because of these difficulties that are cause by my autism, my first instinct is to bang my head against the wall. Scream. Hit myself. That's how my meltdowns are. I feel too much and I don't know how to express my feelings because sometimes I cannot communicate or comprehend them. And then I bang my head against the wall and give myself a concussion.

Yes, my autism causes me suffering. I am glad it doesn't cause you suffering, Chloe. But don't erase or deny my existence.

[one-year-experiment]

Day 1

Hi - I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with this blog or this post in general.

Well, that's not true. I do know why I made this blog and am posting this now.

As my title probably suggests, I am using this blog as a big of a megaphone into the void over the next year. I don't actually know if anybody will see this, but that's the point.

A bit about me: I'm currently deep in a depressive episode (am medicated and going to therapy so don't worry about my safety/health) and I've spend most of my adult life trying to set aggressive goals, sprinting, tiring out (obviously) and then abandoning things. I'm 28 (he/him/his), gay, and feel like I have to make up for lost time (have had that thought since I was 18), I don't have a great relationship with my body. I don't have a terrible relationship, but when I'm sad or anxious, food (and a ton of it) is something that cuts through the dull noise of the world and is honestly the only thing I'm excited about.

This blog is going to be a bit of me externalizing my thoughts, plans, goals, and reflections on things that worked/didn't. For the past year especially, I've lost count of how many times I've identified actionable things I could do to better my mental health, physical health, self-esteem, etc. and I just cannot follow through. I just feel paralyzed.

I'm a musician (as a hobby but I'd love to do it for a living), and work a remote (unrelated) job that is fine but not fulfilling and incredibly frustrating (more on that I'm sure to come). I just feel like I haven't felt like I've accomplished anything for a long time (and I objectively have done things that mattered, or was proud of). In the past, my depression has just manifested as sad/afraid to participate in life. And now I just feel like life is slipping through my fingertips and I don't have the desire to try to participate in ways that would help me.

So, if you're reading this from somewhere else in the world, I mainly just want to feel normal again. I want to not feel like I have brain fog all the time. I want to be excited about the future rather than terrified by it.

As far as things I want to improve or accomplish, here's my general list:

Publish music somewhat regularly, and try to enjoy the process rather than the cycle of being disappointed when nobody listens. I constantly have bouts of making a lot of music, producing it, uploading it, and then radio silence. And that's been tiring.

Get physically fit again

Become a bit better organized/plan my day/try to foster some sense of accomplishment, even if it's not "towards my goals."

Work on confidence

Try to learn more to be more effective at my job

Become fluent in Spanish (I currently am intermediate and clearly not in one year but foster habits that will help reach that goal)

Write a play (currently just in the beginning phases of that process)

Be kind to myself, especially when I'm in these moods

I am purposefully omitting a lot of details about my life because I just want this to be something I can look back on and (hopefully) be in a much better place in a year. I think this is probably pretty unorganized and random. But I just wanted to make an imperfect first step rather than wait yet another day. I'm hoping that, by writing down all of my dreams and goals, it'll be harder to avoid actually doing them because I'll have to come to terms with wanting something and not doing anything to get it.

Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow :)