one-year-experiment

[one-year-experiment]

Day 4

Well, I officially did everything in my task list for Day 3!

And it's the end of day 3 right now (put posting this off for a bit now), and I did almost everything. I just didn't go outside to get my 15 mins of sunlight today. I exercised, I ate pretty healthily, I tracked my moods, I brushed my teeth and did my skin care. I feel pretty good.

Clearly it's not going to be a quick fix, but I'm hoping that this foundation will give me the motivation to continue pushing towards my bigger goals. I have music I want to finish tomorrow, so I'm going to get up early.

I hope you're doing okay, wherever you are in the world.

Going to use this moment as a good reminder that even though I didn't get my 15 mins of sunshine today, I shouldn't let a completion of like 90% be seen as a failure and I should keep it up tomorrow.

Writing these does actually help me do stuff - it feels like there's someone out there keeping tabs on if I do what I said I was going to. And even if nobody reads this, that's okay too :)

See you tomorrow! :)

(Also I feel like I should make my blog look not ugly... that can be a task for later)

[one-year-experiment]

Day 3

So far so good.

Woke up at 7, immediately did a 20 min YouTube workout (and honestly I felt gross and out of shape and hated the entire process, but afterwards I felt good that I did it), showered, brushed my teeth and washed my face, took my meds, and crossed a few things off the list for the day! :)

Clearly I can't say I did everything I wanted to, because brushing/skin care twice a day happens at the end, but I'm pretty sure I'll do it!

Haven't had any soda or carbonated beverages, which has been hard and I'm craving one. Just trying to drink tea and water to keep those cravings at bay.

Got frustrated a bit today (which I think might be a symptom of depression for me), and felt like I couldn't get out of it, but was able to slowly move past that. It didn't feel like anything triggered it, particularly, I just felt irritable. Hoping that those types of feelings go away as my depression/anxiety symptoms improve.

I'm going to work on music now, and hopefully that can be a productive session. Sometimes I think I set expectations for the session and then I can't meet them and then it's really easy to look at that and think "failure." Like I said in the Day 2 post, I'm trying to be kind towards myself and being kind towards myself is something I haven't truly done before, so it feels weird. It feels a bit like I'm allowing myself to make excuses, but clearly the way I've been doing things hasn't been working so it's time to try something new.

I know these changes are foundational and it'll take time to start feeling better, so I'm trying not to have big expectations for things like medication, exercise, therapy, etc. But hoping that together and over time they can help me get to where I want to go.

Feeling okay about my body today. Not entirely distressed, but not fully happy yet either. And I'll take that for now.

I'll (hopefully) post about a successful Day 3 tomorrow and keep this going. Hope you're well too.

[one-year-experiment]

Day 2

Today has been a decent day so far. I wish I had maybe sat down and figured this post out a bit earlier to focus my day, but there is still enough of it left so I figured it's still worth doing.

I clearly want to start feeling better as soon as I can, so I've been thinking about what types of changes will hep facilitate that faster. And I think while I am prone to having big dreams of the future (music, theater, job), there are more basic things that would help build a foundation going forward. Things like exercise, trying to change my typical diet up, focusing on sleep, and an activity journal for a week (for therapy).

One thing that I love doing is brainstorming big goals, and then wanting to "get there faster," which then causes me to not be consistent with it. And the lack of consistency could be because of a variety of reasons: the daily goals are too aggressive too early, my goals are too rigid (wake up at X time, and if you don't you've already failed, etc.), lack of progress (or progress I deem worthy of recognition), and an external event of some kind (I've had consistent exercise/diet regimens completely derailed by a weekend trip - I just don't return to the old habits).

The issue with all of the habits I've formed in the past and then gave up is that I do think these habits help me feel better and more in control of my life. But when you do these habits for long enough, you almost forget that they were the very things that made you feel better. I've gotten pretty fit in the past, and the circumstances were very similar to where I am now, but I think depression and negative self-esteem/stress just maes it fele like you can't just do it again. I find myself coming up with reasons I can't do things now ("I'll do it later tonight" - spoiler: I didn't). It's like I have a list of things I know would help me feel a bit better (exercising, eating a vegetable each day, get my sleep in order) but I just end each day wishing I had done one of those things. I know easy things are often more difficult for people who are depressed. I feel lucky because I'd describe my depression (which is pretty severe for me) as a dulling/hopeless of experiences and emotions rather than more severe symptoms.

Here's where I want this journal/experiment to help guide me. I want to give myself tasks for the next week and then at the 8th day (after a full week, so that'll be Day 10 of this blog I think…) see how I did and rerate my depressive symptoms and reflect. I know nobody will likely read many of these, but even the thought that one person might be reading this is a new level of accountability I don't have right now, especially for the little things (because who wants to talk about how brushing their teeth is hard to anyone? lol)

My plan for 10/26 (tomorrow) - 11/1 (ew November):

Brush teeth twice a day

Skin care twice a day

Track my activities and moods in my therapy worksheet

Move my body for at least 30 minutes a day (yoga, walks, cardio, weights/resistance)

No fast food or soda

(Side note: I've drank soda for most of my life and I love the carbonation so when I originally lost weight and was exercising I was drinking diet soda and carbonated water, but I think I want to kick my carbonation addiction so I'm going to try to limit my carbonated beverage consumption to ~1 a day as long as it's not soda)

Take all medications and vitamins each day (antidepressant, vitamin D, fish oil when I get more)

Get outside for ~15 minutes each day, especially in the morning for light

Be aggressively kind to myself (accepting that this might not be the most "productive" week to my warped brain, and things might be hard and I might not do each of these each day but I should strive for "good enough" and consistency above a streak or perfection)

(Another side note: I always kinda roll my eyes when people say they're a perfectionist because I feel like it's oftentimes someone trying to casually flex their high standards, but my perfectionistic attitudes are more "this idea sucks, throw it away" before the thought's wings carried it off the ground. But I think this issue might be better putting on the back burner for now)

Keep updating this blog during the week (ideally in the mornings to focus my intentions for that day)

While this seems like a lot (and I really hope that this isn't one of my "going too fast moments"), most can be done in shorts bursts of time (and I can double up on sunshine + walks). This blog is also another way for me to see this plan, see if it works out, and reflect on why. I hope this year will be a year of getting to know myself, what I can do, and being better at estimating and planning.

Whew… okay I know this was a lot, but thanks for reading. I hope to look back at these entries a year from now and be proud of the person typing this out right now because I helped lay the foundation for a healthier life.

See you tomorrow :)

[one-year-experiment]

Day 1

Hi - I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with this blog or this post in general.

Well, that's not true. I do know why I made this blog and am posting this now.

As my title probably suggests, I am using this blog as a big of a megaphone into the void over the next year. I don't actually know if anybody will see this, but that's the point.

A bit about me: I'm currently deep in a depressive episode (am medicated and going to therapy so don't worry about my safety/health) and I've spend most of my adult life trying to set aggressive goals, sprinting, tiring out (obviously) and then abandoning things. I'm 28 (he/him/his), gay, and feel like I have to make up for lost time (have had that thought since I was 18), I don't have a great relationship with my body. I don't have a terrible relationship, but when I'm sad or anxious, food (and a ton of it) is something that cuts through the dull noise of the world and is honestly the only thing I'm excited about.

This blog is going to be a bit of me externalizing my thoughts, plans, goals, and reflections on things that worked/didn't. For the past year especially, I've lost count of how many times I've identified actionable things I could do to better my mental health, physical health, self-esteem, etc. and I just cannot follow through. I just feel paralyzed.

I'm a musician (as a hobby but I'd love to do it for a living), and work a remote (unrelated) job that is fine but not fulfilling and incredibly frustrating (more on that I'm sure to come). I just feel like I haven't felt like I've accomplished anything for a long time (and I objectively have done things that mattered, or was proud of). In the past, my depression has just manifested as sad/afraid to participate in life. And now I just feel like life is slipping through my fingertips and I don't have the desire to try to participate in ways that would help me.

So, if you're reading this from somewhere else in the world, I mainly just want to feel normal again. I want to not feel like I have brain fog all the time. I want to be excited about the future rather than terrified by it.

As far as things I want to improve or accomplish, here's my general list:

Publish music somewhat regularly, and try to enjoy the process rather than the cycle of being disappointed when nobody listens. I constantly have bouts of making a lot of music, producing it, uploading it, and then radio silence. And that's been tiring.

Get physically fit again

Become a bit better organized/plan my day/try to foster some sense of accomplishment, even if it's not "towards my goals."

Work on confidence

Try to learn more to be more effective at my job

Become fluent in Spanish (I currently am intermediate and clearly not in one year but foster habits that will help reach that goal)

Write a play (currently just in the beginning phases of that process)

Be kind to myself, especially when I'm in these moods

I am purposefully omitting a lot of details about my life because I just want this to be something I can look back on and (hopefully) be in a much better place in a year. I think this is probably pretty unorganized and random. But I just wanted to make an imperfect first step rather than wait yet another day. I'm hoping that, by writing down all of my dreams and goals, it'll be harder to avoid actually doing them because I'll have to come to terms with wanting something and not doing anything to get it.

Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow :)