#I've been holding off on posting it bc id like to read up on the team titans first

[autisticcassandracain]

re: your tags, Mirage's Wiki says she's Brazillian. That said, I'm honestly not sure if she lives in the USA right now, and 'latina' is usually used for those living in the US, so it may not be the most accurate term to use for her. Admittedly, I just sort of assumed the Team Titans operate from, and thus live in the USA. I'll edit the post to be more specific and accurate.

In all honesty, I don't know much about Mirage, only having read her in New Titans (while heavily distracted by how bad the writing was, and thus forgetting a lot); it's part of why I used Talia rather than her for the racism/misogyny example. But it's unsurprising to learn what you added, and it ties into bashing female characters.

Also re: your tags again and to continue that point, Kori did canonically do some victim blaming, but it's one thing to acknowledge that, and another to portray it without any kind of nuance while removing all her other characteristics. My issue is less in acknowledging the things female characters canonically did wrong, and more in the flattening of their characters in service of a male character. While personally I'd rather have the victim blaming written out entirely, because imo it's grossly out of character (for the record, pretty much everyone was awfully written during this whole arc), I don't mind it being addressed, provided it's placed in the context of her being kidnapped and held captive for a prolonged period of time while Mirage pretended to be her, which nobody noticed. Because that context is kind of crucial.

But this flattening of character and demonization happens far more to the perpetrators, most notably Talia, Mirage, and Tarantula. This ties back into the failure of fandom to place these events in their proper context of racist and misogynistic writing. Instead, people take a valid excuse to dislike a character and blow it up to a vehement hatred that decries anyone who attempts to approach these characters with nuance as rape apologists. Tarantula in particular gets the short end of the stick; frankly, even if she was a one dimensional evil rapist, the sheer glee with which some of these fics write depictions of violence against her would still be disturbing. These flattened, demonized portrayals for the sake of making a complex situation an easy black and white are racist and misogynistic, no better and usually worse than canon.

Anyway this was supposed to be a quick thing to thank you for your addition and to address your tags, but instead it's several paragraphs, and I'm sure you can see why all the previous posts I attempted ended up as monsters.

This has been bothering me for a while to the point where I've started on multiple posts about it, because it's a complex and delicate subject with a lot of nuance. But they've all grown into unfinished monster length essays, so here's a tl;dr:

The way fandom treats male rape trauma reeks of misogyny. This is especially grating considering how many of these fics/posts/fans clearly consider addressing this trauma inherently progressive.

First, fandom often falls prey to the idea that female rape victims are taken more seriously, which isn't true and ignores intersectionality.

Second, stories about male rape trauma are vastly overrepresented in fandom compared to female rape trauma. Where men will have fics examining and reframing canon instances of sexual harrassment/assault, female characters instead have those instances written out of their canon or simply do not have them addressed at all. Part of this is that female rape trauma is perceived as more loaded than men's (which I REALLY don't have the time to unpack with all the appropriate complexity and nuance), but a larger part of it is simply that fandom has a well-documented pattern of prioritizing white men. Fandom is less interested in female trauma (of any kind) than male trauma.

Third, attempts at reframing canon events as rape/sexual assault for men almost always end up bashing female characters, and often play into misogyny and racism.

Fans will completely refuse to place the event in proper context and truly unpack it. Often, what's going on in canon is not just a dismissal of male rape, but a nasty combination of racism and misogyny. Example: Talia al Ghul drugging Bruce to have sex with him is unadressed male rape trauma, yes, but it is also a massively racist and misogynistic plot point based in orientalist stereotypes (that completely goes against previous canon). Writing a fic where the event is reframed as rape makes it more racist and misogynistic, not less.

In addition, even taking that out of the equation, female characters are often used as antagonists in these fics with little to no nuance in ways that are obviously sexist and endemic of male prioritization. Example: in fics reframing that time Mirage (herself latina, btw; again, racism and misogyny cannot be seperated from this arc) had sex with Dick Grayson while disguised as Koriand'r as rape, Koriand'r is often shown victim blaming him and has few if any other characteristics. This flattens her character in service of a man's angst, and, moreover, completely ignores the fact that she's canonically a rape survivor herself. This is misogynistic.

Obviously, writing about male rape trauma and/or reframing canon events as rape is not inherently bad. It is, in fact, good. But you need to actually do your research and understand feminism 101 before doing it. This is a delicate, complex, nuanced subject, and if you just want to write a hurt/comfort fic and aren't prepared to deal with the implications, consider picking a different thing to write about.

[menlove]

[image id: an ask from @harbingerofskulls that reads: "im gonna b real i only knew the jerking off i would love to hear you elaborate more if you want to go on the whole situation" /end id]

answering here so i can save as a draft without risking the ask disappearing bc tumblr's been doing that lately but

oh god </3 for everyone else- it's talking about this post. sooo i'm gonna go through each one bc i've been feeling insane for several weeks. i'll do my best to cite my sources lmao

i don't know (johnny johnny)

this is referring to this unreleased VERY early beatles track from 1960. the audio quality is absolute shit & as such unfortunately people love to put words to it that don't make much sense in either direction (i.e a lot of mclennon fans want to hear "you're in love with me" and a lot of people that hate mclennon will just make up the weirdest lyrics that make 0 sense so it's Not Gay). some of the lyrics that ARE clear make it obvious this song is about the two of them running away together- at one point i'm fairly certain paul says "how am i gonna tell my father that we're leaving town?" probably referring to them leaving to hamburg. which would be fine but some of the other lyrics areeeee..... very..... Hm. like multiple times paul refers to john as "my boy" and there's bits of them talking about not knowing what to tell their friends & wanting to just run off together alone. if i were the other members of the band having to record this i would have killed them with hammers <3 also the entire end is just paul going "oh johnny" like 1 million times. okay. sure. also since the lyrics ARE so garbled i mean i guess people could be right about it saying "how am i gonna tell my father you're in love with me" but i just don't hear it. still, a very gay song about running off together and getting away from everything and everyone, complete with moaning the other's name </3

2. paris

this one is a huge part of McLennon Fandom Lore lmao but for good reason. not citing sources on all this bc it's one of those that's just Fact & can be found in like any beatles biography or thebeatlesbible.com (my savior) but. for john's 21st birthday, he got 100 pounds from a rich relative. instead of taking his girlfriend or any of his other friends, he decided to use the money to take paul to spain. but they stopped in paris on the way and just decided to stay there. which i mean like. taking your best friend over your girlfriend to the city of love is a little weird but it's not THAT weird. it's everything else that makes people want to chew glass about it. including some of the other things on this list. like this audio of john just goofing around singing about paris and paul, with such hits as "my cheri, my pau pau my pau paul." which is :| okay best friend. and paul has this picture hung up in his house that he took of john sleeping in paris. okay. sure. why not. (although ig there's some doubt about if the photo is from paris? either way it's a picture paul took and has framed in his house which is incriminating enough my man). also NOT in the original post but may pang, a woman john had a brief affair with in the 70s, wrote a book called loving john. in it, there's this quote:

After a late lunch, Linda launched into a long paean to the joys of living in England. When she was finished, she turned to John and said, “Don’t you miss England?”

“Frankly,” John replied, “I miss Paris.”

okay! also in an interview once he said:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing.

(interview with david scheff for playboy in september 1980)

3. if i fell

this one i already made an insane post on that started my spiral into posting about the beatles publicly </3 but, essentially, the song "if i fell" by john is..... well it's most likely about paul. he said it wasn't about his wife but that it was auto-biographical and he never really had any public affairs that weren't flings, certainly not a lover. but most damning is he wrote the complete lyrics for the first time on a valentine's day card addressed "to paul with love" with some hearts and arrows pointing to where the lyrics were written. absolutely insane. made me insane.

4. oh! darling

rawest paul song of all time if i do say so myself lmao. but it's just.... Highly Suspicious, that's what it is. a Lot of beatles fans/historians will admit this song is most likely about john but they won't admit that it's fucking romantic if it is. like.

like that is so blatantly romantic idk what to say other than that. also, in the official recording on abbey road, there's Several points where paul says "darling" that sound more like he's saying "johnny" which is what he called him. people brush it off by saying it's his accent, but there's a very clear difference between when he's saying "darling" and when he's saying "johnny". i mean the Lore behind this is that it was written right when things were splitting up between them (& the rest of the band) so it makes sense and it's why most people are willing to accept it's about john. it's just insane to me that they'll accept it's about john without considering the implications of that.

5. the real life demo

this one made me want to light myself on fire i won't lie to you. but here it is! john had a song called "real love" and this is a very early demo of it. but instead of the lyrics that came to actually be in the song (which are thought to be about yoko but let's not get into the fact that it was on a tape labeled "for paul" but whatever), it includes john fucking crying as he sings saying:

"was i just dreaming or was it only yesterday? i used to hold you in my arms. and now a baby and another on the way... la la la la farm..."

which can quite literally be about no one else but paul, as this demo was recorded when he'd just had two children with his wife linda and linda was pregnant with their third child. they'd moved to a farm in scotland. hearing this audio clip did genuinely make me want to lie down in the dirt for a week. also "i used to hold you in my arms" just... yeah. god. when people think it was unrequited idk what to say, really.

6. If Paul Were A Woman-

shoving these two together but. in april of 85, paul said in an interview about john and yoko's relationship:

"I mean, I couldn’t stand in the way of someone who’d fallen in love. You can’t say, 'Who’s this?' You can’t really do that. If I was a girl, maybe I could go out and…"

okay bestie <3 and what would make your relationship different if you were a woman? interesting! and yoko had something similar to say. in this audio, she says:

"I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat – because there’s something definitely very strong between John and Paul."

just reminds me of being a kid and telling my best friends "if i were a boy i'd date you" lol. incredible. does anyone here know about bisexuality.

7. stuart!

not much to say here except that john had a best friend, stu sutcliffe, who died young & before that had been the bassist in the band. paul fucking hated him sooo much oh he SEETHED. a lot has been written on that relationship but it was.... very interesting to say the least. it could have just been about the band, or just jealousy over john's friendship, but take that with a lot of john biographers suspecting john had feelings/even a sexual relationship with stuart and it paints a very Interesting picture to say the least

8. john's bisexuality

here's a compilation of quotes about it, but john was more than likely bisexual. which has nothing to do w paul, really, but more to do against people that like to claim they were both Heterosexual Men. although an interesting quote in this compilation is him saying he's "had paul" lmfao

9. paul's post-beatles work

there's just.... there is so so so much here i don't even know where to begin. @ringompreg has a good compilation of paul songs here. a lot of them do take a bit of Lore but like..... it comes down to the fact that both him and john have/had admitted many times to using their lyrics during The Breakup Years to talk to/reference each other and sooooo many of these lyrics are insanely blatant. the two i mentioned were tug of war and let me roll it, both of which are acknowledged to be about john by most people WITH NO ONE BOTHERING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT which..... tug of war has this:

we could stand on top of the mountain with our flag unfurled? dancing to a beat played on a different drum? this is what gaylors think gaylor conspiracy is but paul mccartney is really out here saying this shit.

and let me roll it is so fucking blatantly romantic but every reviewer is like haha! what a cool song that's "making fun" of john and clearly in his style! like are straight people stupid genuinely. anyway:

bonus to that but about JOHN'S solo work :)))))) he wrote a song called "watching the wheels" and when you consider he very much responded to MANY of paul's solo stuff it's :)

which as a response to let me roll it would just be... so devestating but it may be a stretch idk if i'm onto anything there it's just worth Mentioning

and there's a lot of others, a lot of them in that post up there. like far too many where paul mentions falling in love with a friend like Alright.

10. paul's first lsd trip with john/"i know" "i know"

this one is less blatantly romantic but it is just insane. here's an article. and a quote from george martin about it. the first time paul tripped on acid w john was bc john accidentally took some and he took him home & then took acid w him bc he didn't want john to be alone on the trip :( but, notably:

"And we looked into each other’s eyes, the eye contact thing we used to do, which is fairly mind-boggling. You dissolve into each other. But that’s what we did, round about that time, that’s what we did a lot," the singer recalled, "And it was amazing. You’re looking into each other’s eyes and you would want to look away, but you wouldn’t, and you could see yourself in the other person. It was a very freaky experience and I was totally blown away."

he also apparently saw john as the, and i quote, "emperor of eternity" during this trip??????? okay

SOMEWHERE i can't find it rn and i'm getting lazy but somewhere they (i think paul?) talk about the fact that they used to just stare into each other's eyes and then say "i know" "i know" which. considering john's song "i know (i know)" makes me crazy

11. in my life/i will

these are really just some devastating songs with lyrics that make you really raise your eyebrows. for in my life, written by john, it's just an incredibly romantic & sweet song that is again, not about his wife. given that the lennon estate is still out here posting pictures of paul to those lyrics i have to say it's a liiiiittle suspicious. and i will is...... it's one that paul insists is not about his girlfriend at the time, jane asher. and when you look at the lyrics vs how him and john met.... like. the song goes:

and the story of how they met was that paul saw john repeatedly before they ever met, when he didn't know who john was other than that he thought he looked cool & admired his sideburns (lmfao). and when they did finally meet, it was when john was singing at a garden fete (party) and paul was in the crowd just Mesmerized. so. well. you can see.... you can see how fitting that is. makes me crazy makes me want to chew glass actually

12. "we were each other's intimates" and other insane quotes

"we were each other's intimates" is a paul quote about john which is just insane but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. here's a ton of quote compilations.

13. "literally everything else"/honorable mentions

some honorable mentions go out to: john going on stage w elton john & playing i saw her standing there and introducing it as "a song by an estranged fiance of mine" okay! the "just like starting over" demos. okay! which isn't even to MENTION the fact that paul locked himself away in the studio listening to "just like starting over" on repeat for DAYS after john died like???? john saying repeatedly that he considered paul & yoko to be his two major partners in life including in an interview the literal day he died. a whole ass rpf movie where they kiss & talk like they're ex-lovers and dance in central park (two of us) made by the same dude that made the let it be movie like. he knew them personally? he worked with them closely? and the only thing paul had to say about it was just essentially that it was what he wished would've happened like???????? i can't find a super reliable source for this so take it w a grain of salt, but apparently paul referred to mclennon fanfiction as "beautiful stories" and doesn't mind them being written. paul also had a cat that had kittens & he named two of the kittens pyramus and thisbe after fictional lovers he and john played and he gave pyramus (the character paul played) to john :|

and literally so much else like all of this and it's not even all of it. it's not even close to all of it. i didn't even get to talk about the way in "get back" the documentary, paul started talking about john leaving the band for yoko and how john would choose her over them and then he got teary eyed, started choke laughing, and then started singing "build me up buttercup" before looking at the cameras and stopping. what the FUCK was that about! IT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE SONG "TWO OF US" THAT'S SO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT JOHN THAT IT HURTS. it's. it's not even scratching the surface. they were just genuinely insane about each other.

[drpeppertummy]

truthfully my friends this isnt something im overly into or experienced in & as such i have Absolutely no idea if its any good or not. godspeed

[alien-esque parasite creature-in-stomach bordering-on-rapid-horror-preg situation, ends in hospital post-surgery bc you know id never let it explode him but the hospital isnt like a whole big thing, nobody has a good time in this but hes fine]

Val was beginning to wonder if eating at that sketchy restaurant in Hell had been a good idea.

Truthfully, he'd known it was a bad idea from the start. He hadn't liked the look of the place when his sister had brought him there, the service had been awful, the food had been worse, and he'd felt a little off ever since. That had been a few days ago, and he was back home now. It was always shockingly cold returning to the mortal world after visiting his family, but he was glad to be back in Connie's arms, even if it meant braving the chilly autumn air.

Exhausted from the busy week behind him, Val flopped down onto the bed. He was freshly showered and dressed in his pajamas, and very glad about it. Connie was taking her turn in the shower now. Sprawled out flat on his back, Val looked down at himself, and his brow furrowed. He hadn't felt quite right ever since visiting that restaurant, and he was still a little bloated. He laid his head back down on the pillow and rested his hands on his belly.

"Looks like your mom stuffed you like a turkey," Connie teased, standing in the doorway. "Does she think you're as skinny as I do?"

"Christ, does she," Val laughed.

"Maybe you oughtta visit more often, let her beef you up a little," she giggled, dropping herself onto the bed next to him.

"I don't think I could handle that," said Val. "You know everyone else in my family is like ten feet tall?" Connie laughed.

"And I bet they feed you like you are too, right?" She placed a hand on his rounded tummy and raised her eyebrows at how firm it felt. "Sheesh, you really feel stuffed."

"Tell you the truth, my sister dragged me out to some weird restaurant a couple days before I left. It was a mess, you never woulda gone in. Whatever I ate didn't sit right, I guess, my stomach's been a little funny ever since. I've spent the past few days feeling like I swallowed a bowling ball."

"Huh," said Connie, rubbing his belly. It gurgled uncomfortably under her hand. "Maybe you got, like, mild food poisoning or something."

"Maybe," he sighed. "Probably."

"Do you feel sick?"

"I don't know. Not quite. Just off. ADR, as they say at the vet. I mean, I definitely feel bloated, I can tell you that much."

"Believe me, you don't have to tell me," she chuckled, patting his belly. It didn't sound hollow, like it was filled with gas. Instead it sounded solid, like patting a rock, and it let out another sickly gurgle. Connie winced sympathetically.

Suddenly, Val sat up. Connie looked up at him, surprised. His face was difficult to read, but he seemed tense. Concerned, she sat up beside him.

"Val, what's the matter?" She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't know," he said uncertainly, holding both hands against his tummy. He looked down, brow furrowed. Was he more bloated than before? His stomach felt tighter, and…strange, somehow. Almost as if something inside him was pulsing.

"Maybe you should go to urgent care or something," said Connie. She didn't like the look on his face, and she didn't like that he was still so bloated days after eating whatever he'd eaten.

"I can't go to urgent care. I'm not even human. They wouldn't know what to make of me even if I was feeling fine."

"Yeah, but…I don't know. I'm worried," she said, squeezing his shoulder. Now that he was sitting up, his belly looked even more distended than it had when he was laying, and it was oddly top-heavy, as though whatever was making it so swollen was stuck up in his stomach. She didn't like that at all.

Val couldn't disagree with her point of view. Still, he preferred to avoid letting people find out he wasn't human if he could help it. It was a dangerous secret to reveal, and there had been plenty of times where he'd nearly paid a heavy price for it. He didn't have much time to mull it over, though, because his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a bizarre wave of pain in his stomach. He doubled over with a groan, clutching his belly.

"Val!" Connie grabbed his shoulders. Val remained frozen, trying to process what he'd just felt. It was pain, certainly, and pressure, but it almost felt like movement as well. Cautiously, he sat back upright, his breathing shallow and shaky.

"That's it, you're going to the hospital," she said, standing up. Val opened his mouth to protest when another surge of pain shot through him, and this time he definitely felt movement. He doubled over again, gaping like a fish as his belly pushed out against his hands.

Carefully, Connie pulled him to his feet, putting an arm around his waist to hold him steady, and hurried him out of the bedroom. As they walked, she felt something shift under her hand, and for a moment she froze, looking down at him.

"What the fuck was that?"

"I don't--I don't know," he choked out, desperately hugging his middle.

"Let's go," she urged, and practically dragged him out of the house.

Connie hastily put the directions into the GPS and was off like a flash before Val could even finish buckling up. His belly bulged conspicuously over the seatbelt, undeniably rounder than it had been earlier, and whatever was inside was growing restless. A moan of terror escaped him as he watched something move under the skin.

"Connie, I love you," he blurted out, his voice shaking.

"I love you too. Don't talk like you're gonne die. You're not gonna die." She reached out and grabbed his shoulder tightly before returning her hand to the wheel. Val thought she looked like she definitely thought he was going to die.

The pressure inside his stomach was unbelievable, and only seemed to be increasing as whatever was inside continued to move around and grow. It was growing fast now, and he could feel his stomach stretching and straining to contain it. He tried not to think about how far it could stretch before it burst.

"We're almost there," said Connie, trying to reassure herself just as much as him. She glanced over at him and was horrified to see his belly visibly squirming. Suddenly, his belly surged violently, and he let out a hoarse cry as the creature inside him began to thrash, pushing out hard against the walls of his stomach.

"Oh, god, please," he cried out, clutching his belly as his tightly-stretched skin was pulled tighter still. "Oh, please, god, no--"

Val woke up feeling like he'd been run through with a chainsaw. He wasn't sure where he was or what had happened, and he didn't have the strength to care. All he knew was that there was a horrible searing pain in his belly. As he regained consciousness, though, he began to recall the events of the night, and he looked down at himself. His belly was flat. Flat, and bandaged up. He let his head fall back onto the pillow with a sigh of relief.

The surgeon told him that he'd barely made it in time, and that they'd pulled something like a sucker-mouthed chupacabra out of his stomach, and that it was nearly the size of an infant, and that his wife had urged them to just not ask questions, and that after the procedure they were inclined to just roll with that, and that he'd have to stay in the hospital for at least a week. Val groggily accepted all of this information; the surgeon could've told him he'd grown a second head and he'd have nodded along. With his stomach intact, all he cared about now was seeing Connie.

EPILOGUE BECAUSE I CANT WRITE ENDINGS: It took one day for Val to win the hearts of all the nurses with his charm and only five for him to be released--for good behavior, he'd joked. Against all predictions, he recovered surprisingly quickly, although his tummy remained terribly sore for weeks; that was, of course, to be expected. He'd persuaded the hospital to let him ship the creature back to Hell for further evaluation. Astonishingly, they'd managed to get it out alive after sedating it right along with Val, and it had been nicknamed "Fluffy" by the frightened staff who were in charge of keeping it under observation. Fluffy, as it turned out, was a relatively common parasite found in undercooked lava cod, which was exactly what Val had eaten, although most of his fellow demons and devils were built sturdily enough that it wasn't much of a danger to them. Connie, who had been even more shaken up by the incident than her husband, received even more affection from him than usual in the following days. He felt awful for putting her through the experience--he'd expressed this, and she'd incredulously assured him that it wasn't his fault--and he made sure to bake her something special for taking care of him.

[marnz]

Destiel anon again! Aha! hopefully you’ll be living your destiel autumn soon then 😄

For fics tbh I dont have any specific criteria, just that it needs to make ur brain a little crazyyy like american oracle or the new rec ziz gave with the author you like! Anything posted after the confession is the best since you know the author cooked.

For other recs Id actually love to hear your stucky recs if you have any! Im rereading NEC bc it made my brain crazy, but any other ones are appreciated!!

Also tbh for any fandom, if you have like really good recs, I always like reading in different fandoms if the writing is really really good!

Thank you so much!

it's been literal years since i've posted fic recs anon, this is great. as always my caveat is that i like to have some fun with it. for stucky, it's been about one hundred thousand years since i've read stucky but i do have very fond memories. let's get to it

Destiel

to be restored by serenityfalls E - 47k - graphic depictions of violence The Empty sends Cas back different

commentary: every time I think of this fic I start rotating like i'm in the exorcist.

he showed me what was love E - 11k - no warnings season 9 fic from when Cas was homeless

commentary: incredible prose! incredible characterization. so tender and aching 😭

on labor E - 24.6k - chose not to use warnings Cas is back from the Empty, and Dean knows how to be grateful.

commentary: thee repression......thank you.

Stucky

i of course recommend not easily conquered and all other old stalwarts but here are my favs. hopefully at least 1 is new to you

ain't no grave (can keep my body down) E - 107k - chose not to use warnings commentary: you know...just trust me.

4 minute window series - 23 works - variety of warnings "Look, if they catch me," Bucky muttered, "they're either going to kill me or they're going to put me in a box with a little window and—Steve, I can't."

commentary: i love this series, it's so original, and I look forward to thanksgiving and the first few days of december every year, which is when the fic updates <3

timestamp series E - 5 works, 30k summary from the first work: april, 1939 Bucky knows what Steve wants when he comes in like that, hair wet, robe slipping off his shoulder. commentary: I looooove this series and I remember it so clearly...really good Bucky characterization and narrative voice.

good boy E - 13.4k - no archive warnings Bucky is still adjusting to life with the Avengers, and Steve is willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable. Increasingly, though, what seems to make him comfortable is strangely intimate.

commentary: when I first read this 10+ years ago I had not encountered petplay before but given, like, everything in CATWS all I could think was "wow" and "this makes perfect sense!" anyway, read it, let yourself be changed, enjoy.

stuff I have filed under my 'ultimate fic rec' tag

leave no soul behind star trek - 258k - graphic depictions of violence If you're Starfleet, you spend your whole life wishing you never see an EPAS uniform right up until the moment they become your only hope. Whether you're dying a slow, cold death in space, or a long painful one on some godforsaken planet, they're going to come for you. So count your last breaths, son, and hold on tight. They leave no soul behind. commentary: save this for a holiday or when you are sick and need something to curl up with and lose yourself in. an incredible canon au of star trek that will completely carry you away. have patience and you will be rewarded.

so wise we grow star trek - 81k - chose not to use archive warnings* "Commander Spock, we have located your son," the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock's face that he's never heard of this kid before in his life.

commentary: this is one of my favorite fics of all time, period. it's sooooooo good. i love the characterization, the banter, the pacing, it's just exquisitely crafted. please read it, but: please mindful that this fic deals with themes of CSA.

world ain't ready les miserables - 185k - no archive warnings apply* High school AU. Grantaire the disaffected stoner is pulled into a cause bigger than himself. Or: in which there are pretend boyfriends for great justice.

commentary: if you're like, that's a long fic/i don't know canon/i don't like high school aus -- who cares? would I steer you wrong? on this my ultimate fic rec list? no! read this, if it's the last thing you do. let yourself be overcome. warnings for bullying and child abuse

an ever-fixed mark pride & prejudice - 190k - major character death A deconstruction of the "soulmate identifying mark" trope, using "Pride and Prejudice." Trigger warnings in the tags.

commentary: i've got this friend @lady-sci who exclusively recs me very long life changing fic. life changing. she recommended me this (and leave no soul behind, mentioned earlier) and I sat down to read it and emerged so shaken and so changed and so amazed that I count it as one of the most pivotal reading experiences of my life. just incredible stuff.

you're in my blood like holy wine by magneticwave game of thrones - 72k - chose not to use archive warnings* Sansa finds it difficult to look at Jon’s face, with its weathered lines and cragginess. It is the face of the North and a face that northerners trust; the face of Sansa’s brothers and her father, who had been loved and respected by their tenants as their forefathers had been when they were kings. How can Sansa feel anything but resentment, looking into that face and knowing that all of her years of hard work will never earn her the respect that that profile engenders within seconds? But she does. It is a small, burning coal of something that must be smothered.

commentary: I urge you to read this even if you do not care about a) game of thrones b) regency romance novels c) the weird cousin situation. i also urge you to read everything, yes everything, by this author, who is one of my favorite fic authors of all time. impeccable vibes. anyway this fic KILLED ME and kept me going thru the early days of covid lockdown. please be aware this fic deals with past sexual assault

teen wolf

please. understand it is teen wolf autumn. just like it was for the past 2 autumns. here are the fruits of my labor.

what I did on my summer vacation by grimm sterek - 118k - chose not to use archive warnings There's something weird about Beacon Hills that Stiles can't quite put his finger on.

commentary: trust me <3

stand fast in your enchantments sterek - 76k - E - graphic depictions of violence "Stiles knew damn well what a pissed-off wolf sounded like, and every hair on the back of his neck was telling him that somewhere in this room was a very pissed-off werewolf." An AU in which Derek is feral, Stiles is magical, and they eat a lot of fast food.

commentary: this is my favorite teen wolf fic of all time.

the broken radio is playing suicide sterek - 73k - E - graphic depictions of violence Stiles only wishes they could actually be safe. They haven’t been for nine months now.

commentary: teen wolf with a decidedly spn flavor.

enjoy anon <3

[originsofevil]

Intro <3 !

I go by Michelangelo or any variation of that

(usually michael/mikey but names dont mean much to me)

but i recently found out that i'm the host of a system so if any tags are signed off with a different name thats why

dont care too much abt pronouns but i typically use he/him, ve/vir, and xe/xir/xem. mix it up, get creative. typically dont use she/her but ynever know

body is 21, we're an aries if u wanna make any judgement off of that, autistic + adhd if that wasnt obvious

i do post occasional nfsw/suggestive content, never anything too crazy but if youre a minor id prefer if you didnt interact with those posts, i have no way of enforcing this as i dont check my notifs unless theres tags but i am a full adult, i do pay rent and bills and taxes. on that topic i probably wont follow you if youre under like. 16/17ish. no hard feelings i just am an adult and im not around kids very much as the 2nd youngest of 4 so. if youre under 16 dont do drugs stay in school all that good stuff. i love you, go to bed on time. i've been on this website since i was 11 and it shows. dont be me.

dms are always open ! i'm not amazing at holding a conversation unless its abt my current hyperfixation (rn its zelda/lu) but i love to yap. if you follow me and we're not mutuals dm/ask me and ill follow back! I don't rly pay attention to my followers so i typically don't follow ppl unless theyre consistently posting abt one of my interests and i remember to

I talk in the tags a LOT feel free to <- prev or rb addressing my tags but i typically assume no one will read them all the way through. i'm writing whole essays. im oversharing. call op a college admissions office bc I'm telling my whole life story. if my tags make you uncomfortable on your post please let me know and i will apologize/delete them if you wish. i dont have a concept of tmi and tend to misread/miss social cues/the vibes so i apologize if i misstep

please let me know if i reblog any stolen artwork/ai generated anything/ etc

‼️‼️i am not spoiler free for anything (even if i myself havent seen the content) i dont have any sort of tagging system ‼️

list of my active fandoms! old hyperfixations tend to creep up on me so this is not complete

- bungo stray dogs (bsd beast fans pls follow me i adore beast)

- legend of zelda (all games + lu/links meet aus)(legend fans pspspsp)

- the witcher (mainly the show but i got attached to a character thats not even actually in any of the games. aiden i love you.)

- cars (2006, 2011, 2017)(yes entirely unironically)

- Voltron legendary defender. (again. yes. unironically.)

- star wars (mainly the main series and animation since i havent read thr or played the games)

- jujutsu kaisen (2nd years stan)

- the magnus archives (gerry delano fans i love you)

- percy jackson (mainly the books and musical, i dont care for the show much but i adore the actors)

- gravity falls ! (i actually just got into this like, last month. binged the whole series in like a week at age 21.)

- my hero academia (my hs best friend made me watch s1 and i got attached to aizawa hawks and the todorokis sorry)(im convinced the todorokis were based on my family. im literally natsuo. dont ask abt dabi unless u think you're prepared)

Non Fandom Interests

- I write ! once i start uploading ill link my ao3 here but its rough out here (microsoft word)

- I draw ! i mightve posted my art a few times but as i mentioned i dont have any tagging system so maybe I'll make one for art or link another social at some point

- this mostly falls under loz but i love video games :3 i MOSTLY play loz but animal crossing, minecraft, and random silly da games ive collected over the years are my pride and joy. i want to play the witcher games but i have assassins creed black flag and im really bad at it. (i only have nintendo consoles (ds, 3ds, switch) rn but i want a decent pc at some point. the sims calls to me.

- Politics! my politics are very important to me as a leftist so if you're right wing we will not get along. if i find out that youre racist/homophobic/transphobic/a zionist (i am jewish)/sexist/etc i will probably block you. id say no hard feelings but i dint mean that.

I will probably update this as needed/whenever i remember to <3 ty if u read this and i love you have a great day

[fandom-trauma]

Hello hello! Ive been gone a while. Lots of things have happened, and I'm still in the thick of my final year project, but it's (mostly) coming to an end mid-Feb! Thought Id do a little post (mainly for me and the 4 followers I have) on my current WIPs Ive picked up, and what I plan to be doing. Personal update under the Read More.

First of all, I have like a million art and fic WIPs related to Immortal Desires and Perfect Match 2. No biggie, I just have... lots and lots of thoughts about Poly!PM MC and Poly!ID MC. Yes, this means I do have a fix-it fic about how that end of book confession goes... maybe even a rewrite of the entire last chapter... but hold that thought!

Now that I'm a little bit more versed in Twinery (see second point below for why), I'm a little bit tempted to make my rewrite interactive as well. Just text tho lol, but either way, an ending rewrite is a ways away, and also I kinda wanna wait till Bk2 is released to really start working on it. (I didn't realise ID was GOC so you bet I binged it within three fuckin days when I did. It's a bloody amazing book. I also finally finished my playthrough of PM2, so that explains why these books are giving me immense brainrot.)

SECONDLY, 'A Date with Bryce Lahela' is about halfway done! I'm not exactly sure if I've ever shared the idea publicly to the fandom, but this is the basic gist of it: Date is an attempt on my end of trying to recreate those TF Date Specials, but with the one and only Bryce Lahela. Cool, right? Unfortunately, it's only in text format, bc I'm learning Twinery Harlowe.

What's left of Date? When can I play it/a demo? Pronoun choices, smut scenes and equipment variations, a whole activity is uncoded, trackable achievements, load/save functionality, and after that it's just making sure the whole damn thing works. As for a demo... ;) .. ... Joking. The entire predicted gameplay is short enough to not really need a demo, so there won't be a public one. I aim to have this done by, god, hopefully end of the year? This damn thing's been sitting in my WIPs for two whole years, so I would really like it done and over with, haha, but it's a lot of work for one person.

THIRD, I have a 1.2k word rewrite of Foreign Affairs Ch12 Tatum diamond scene that has been in the making, and rotting away in my WIPs, since 2 April 2021. Honest to god, it's a little bit of a vent fic, and I've been slowly chipping away at it whenever I've been stressed. The rewrite isn't because I see the scene as bad, but I do wish there was a liiiiiittle more hurt/comfort in it lol.

FOURTH, well... I have a few Bryce x M!MC smut fics that, uh, really should be finished and see the light of day. Or, at least escape the WIP folder and experience the cool damp corner of my tumblr blog.

So, that's my WIPs so far! Personal stuff under the read more.

----- ----- ----- -----

My 3D animation final year project wraps up a couple of weeks before my graduation. I knew the workload was going to be larger than what I've had with my previous 2D animation projects, but boy it really hits different when you're actually working on it. I won't go into it too detailed, but if you're curious, feel free to ask about it!

My 2023 started off as a... mixed bag. Low lows and high highs, I guess. Won't go into it, but yeah, not great.

Me having Date in semi-working condition is purely because of a NYE group gift exchange and my hubris at making a working product within 2 weeks. It was... yeah, no, I've been humbled, but man was the result such an endorphin rush.

I've also got really into making custom content for The Sims 4, so that's where the bulk of my free time went, really. I'm active in a few TS4 discord servers, so if you see mothy-simmie, say hi :P

[illuminiscentboba]

Behind the scenes <3

hi guyssss!!! tysm nohr for the tag !!! <3333 this is my behind the scenes expernece as illumminiscentboba !! prepare yourselves bc this is gon be personal~~~

Started writing: I've been writing on and off since middle school, and have been posting works since that time on quotev <3 i actually still use quotev to this day and im so thankful that it was a safe space to write fiction, fanfiction and participate in random writing challenges :)

Started blogging: I starting blogging here around 5 years ago, using this acc to just bingeread fics and repost art! i didnt originally plan on writing on here until I read a few HQ fics and ichiruki fics from bleach on fanfiction.net that had me like..,,in awe, I wanted to replicate that awe and here I am.

Followers: i've been around 179/180 when I was more active around 4-3 years ago but have been on hiatus up until this month so now im at 113 LMAOODSBHDSBJ HELPPPPP followers did mean a bunch to me in the earlier years but now i'm just happy i enjoy my own work

Communication: ahahaa,,,about this,,,as of late I have been going nonverbal more often and just been a lot less social. The later is for no reason beyond not wanting to give anyone the illusion that I am very active here esp bc I havent been publishing work for such a long time. but now that I've mentioned it here and once I get my tags reorganized, I'll reblog a lot more...prepare to be sick of me.

Likes: I actually was surprised about how much more interest people had in headcannons than fics or blurbs but that aside I don't really have an opinion on likes but to those who do leave likes on my work, I appreciate it a bunch :)) likes used to help me define how much people enjoyed my writing style/the characters which is sooooo wrong and quite a damaging mindset to have. I don't share this sentiment nearly as much as I did in middle school thankfully but it does suck when I feel like i'm the only one that enjoyed smth i cooked

Requests: for a long time I got such little request, my inbox deadass had tumbleweeds skipping past everytime I opened it but then around the time I was beginning to feel burnt out here...i actually got a bunch...(i hate it here) a lot of the requests are so cute and sweet, I'll fulfil them in my own time and space :) but i appreciate them soooooo much i love silly billies in my requests

Writing: the hate love relationship I have with writing...i have quite a lot of ideas but putting them into works is....something else HELO doesn't help that I've got ADHD and keep getting ahead of myself when writing...but yeah I have been writing things as of late that Ive been enjoying and playing around with diff au concepts (which im quite excited for) that aside, one of the ultimate contributers to my hiatus was the change in environment and in myself a few years ago. Many of my friends happen to be ace and a lot of my other friends at that point in time had aversions to affection? strongly disliked verbal affection, physical affection, you could name it and they were not about it. It did actually effect my behavior in a sense where to this day I instinctively hold back on hugging hand holding, arm linking etc. and it feels so weird now bc some of my friends now are the opposite LMAO its very jarring, the sudden change and realizing that to make my writing flow better I would put myself in the situations and id do the same with dialogue which made writing for characters i didn't feel much for harder to digest, and constantly writing romance prompts also made things hard for me because it felt quite repetitive and made me lose touch with what writing was for me which was like the final straw for me at the time. Some things have changed since then, especially my life cirumstances and preferences. you guys can request as you like but I hope that there is understanding if i'm unable to fulfil the requests, some of many of my works that are romance may have other genres with it like thriller, mystery, fantasy or villainess concepts, and/or historical time period fics. and since my program is keeping me busy asl I wont be able to update as much as I hope but i'll likely be more active now that there are some things cleared up :))

once again, tysm nohr for the tag and this oppurtinity to rebrand and I'd love to see @cloudyevaa @cup-of-fluff @kaeyazuha @sexyandcringe @anyone else who see's this to do it :)) I actually deviated a bit from the normal format so here is @alienaiver 's who ate it up :))

[skippingseaglass]

epic fanfiction below just listen to my babbling first if you intend on reading it thank you (also its a blurry image i'll add an ID soon)

i've been holding back on engaging very much with this fandom for personal reasons, but i think i'm starting to involve myself w it again and i realized i should probably post my first substantial contribution to it

keep in mind i dont know shit about md lore and a lot of this is probably inaccurate (my memory is ass,) i just like writing dialogue and i thought the drawings of sorts would work in the thing's favor (whatever this even is, i exported a version with just them so nobody hurts their eyes trying to look at them but come to think of it maybe having people draw them out like constellations would be better) (you also will have to zoom in a lot if tumblr doesn't fuck up the quality)

lastly, major CW for fear of space, (i actually wrote this based off of mine!) sensory deprivation, internalized ableist language (also based off of mine lol,) and i think implied grief and some other stuff i'm forgetting. enjoy my first fanfiction in literally 7 years lol! (its under the cut bc its long as hell)

[minejiro]

hi, tee <3 this is a moot who's a little to shy to ask you this off anon, but how did you come up with the courage to archive your blog after 8 months? i've been planning to move for a couple of weeks now, and i have a new account set up and everything, but i feel conflicted about leaving my 10 month old account.

i'm about to reach 2k, which is something that holds me back; i'm not planning to delete anything or change aliases, but i just feel like it's really difficult to let go, even though i'm not making an intense move. thank you for listening to me ramble <3

hi bby omg im about to spill my whole tumblr experience to you LMAO jvhufdbv but maybe itll put things into perspective for you and youll be able to tell if its something that you still want to do or not !!

so im just gonna be transparent here, i had 14k ppl on mine when i left and that was kind of hard to leave no matter what anyone says. ofc its always about the writing first and foremost, but i built so many anons and inside jokes and interactions and i had a name for myself and stuff, and thats definitely hard to let go of bc i built that up you know ?? but then i looked at it in a more narrowed view than a "bigger picture" view and it was a matter of am i happy on here anymore ??

no

now thats partly bc i was just drained of writing hq in general, but even when i was happy to write for hq, the blog just got tiring. that blog made me happy and i was proud of it, so i was attached, but at the end of the day being that big was also draining me more than i realized bc i was dealing with ppl being pushy or expectant, or rly rude comments to rly hateful ones, and i felt like the interactions themselves werent as genuine anymore as they used to be. ppl brought up things about the blog itself, its stats, how my writing wasnt what it used to be, how i was just doing things that were "popular" to get notes, etc instead of what it was about — haikyuu

so i took a leap and kind of started a new fandom (tokrev) and that was my excuse to start a new blog from the ground up and it seemed less scary bc it didnt seem like i was starting over per say, i was just adding something new, but it still needed to built up again

and then thats what changed my worries tbh bc once i started my tokrev blog and i posted and built interactions, i realized it wasnt as awful as id been telling myself it would be you know ?? the interactions slowly built, my work was being read and slowly gaining more interaction, and overall my blog was just being built up and i realized that building a blog back up not only wasnt as awful as i thought it would be. it also gave me a chance to redo things better and take what ive learned from the last one to set better boundaries for my followers and myself. and also, it helped running a blog be fun again bc as ive said before, my blog in its smaller days was a lot more fun bc ppl talked to me bc i was just me, not tee whos in the top tags all the time (im sry hfbehfb that might sound kinda bad and maybe a little conceited but i mean that in the least self absorbed way bc in all honesty the size of my blog was rly what a lot of my asks and even some moot interactions were centered around anymore)

in the end, the followers you built up will come again bby they will, trust me i was sad about seeing all my hard work be "left behind" too but the restart is so refreshing and it gives u a chance to organize and set up everything to make this an even safer space for you. if you stick it out for a bit, youll start to get rly excited about the growth and progress you made, and the last blog wont be on your mind as much because youll want to start pouring more into building the new one, and i think thats the part that made me take the full leap and just drop hq blog all together

i was actually gonna deactivate that blog if im being honest, but there some extremely touching asks that made me rethink bc i didnt think my writing meant that much to ppl, so ive left it as an archive, and i think thats honestly the best thing i can do at this point, just leave it to be appreciated for what it is instead of trying to make it fun again and drain myself more

oferfirhgb this was so long im so sorry LMAO but idk i hope that maybe helped a little bit sobsobsob

feel free to dm me if you wanna talk about this !! dont be shy omg i love all my moots <3 even if we dont get a chance to interact as much

[lovelesswiki]

i've really respected your creative and analytical work with loveless for years (i actually remember reading your house crossover fanfic in like 2011 maybe?) so i've always wanted to know your general take on soubi's character? if you have time and haven't already written about it before, id love to see a general character analysis!

first of all, thank you so much! it’s fantastic to know that you like my analytical work and that i have partially redeemed myself from those weird fanfics i used to write. you know how we all look back on our past fanfics and other creative work and laugh at ourselves? well that’s what it’s like with me except i wrote about a crossover between an american medical drama and a gay catboy manga and i can’t look back on it without crying in shame. 

BUT I DIGRESS. thank you for sticking with me!

NOW. youve asked me about my favorite topic (i’d make a ‘my favorite topic: myself! agatsuma soubi’ joke here but i think i already made that joke in this post and also on deviantart and probably in a couple other places) but holy shit do i love talking about soubi. hes kinda my favorite character analytically. SO, LET’S TALK ABOUT SOUBI (and i apologize if this jumps from one topic to the next bc i have many thoughts on this tall child)

soubi is a very peculiar character because more than any other character in the series, he changes. beginning-series soubi is this incredibly creepy, weird, myseterious guy who constantly says the worst and most creepiest things possible and seems to prey on children and constantly asks about killing children and frustrates the reader to no end with his whole insistence that he can’t say shit about anything. see, the thing is that you’re not supposed to like beginning-series soubi. he’s a fucking predatory asshole who is creepy and weird to no end. however, people fell in love with him because this manga was marketed as a yaoi/BL manga, which made soubi fall into the bishie trope where it is completely acceptable for the ‘dominant’ character to act in a way that is very creepy towards the other characters.

so, this really, really divided people’s opinions on soubi’s character. some people hated soubi or strongly disliked him, which was close to the correct response you’re supposed to have to soubi in the first few volumes. others fell in love with him and the bishie trope and either fell off the series or were confused when soubi’s real characterization came to be. regardless, though, i strongly dislike beginning series soubi, but now that we have an understanding of his character, i know why he acted the way he did.

let me put this into perspective. agatsuma soubi was raised in a violent society. for twelve years he was completely isolated in a small town in the mountains in a school where he was taught how to violently battle other teams. this is literally all he knows. soubi himself says that he does not remember his parents well and he was six when his parents died. developmentally, six is a huge age because it’s when a child actually begins forming long-lasting long-term memories. not a lot of people remember much before they were six years old. i like to believe that this age was chosen for soubi to lose his parents because of this, but with yun i can never be sure. just let me try to believe that this was done on purpose pls. 

so soubi does not remember not being in this world. this is all he knows. on top of all this, there’s ritsu. ill get to ritsu more in a bit because i fucking love talking about the horrible dynamic between these two (and i mean that in the best way possible), but ritsu completely destroyed soubi. he took a child and destroyed him so thoroughly that soubi has no fucking idea how to function without him. ritsu filled soubi’s head with the idea that soubi would lead a subservient life where he’d be nothing more than a tool. he beat soubi constantly and used him as a way to get back at akio. even then, soubi was nothing more than a replacement for something missing. and this was how soubi came to identify. as nothing. as a fighter. as someone who would never lead and who would never have any sort of power, as someone who would lead a life of pain and fear of failing. and soubi accepted this, because he was a child and knew nothing else.

on top of this, there’s soubi’s idea of love. i have no doubt that soubi wanted to believe that ritsu loved him, and the only proof of this he could come up with was physical affection that was given to him, affection that went way too far until it resulted in soubi’s rape. however, soubi doesn’t seem to think of this as ‘wrong’ because of the simple fact that he was never exposed to anything else. you can probably guess where im going with this by now.

now we have beginning series soubi. by the time we first meet him (and we don’t learn this until later), soubi has become incredibly depressed and doesn’t seem to see the point in living anymore. other units are telling him to his face that he should’ve already killed himself, and the thing is–soubi doesn’t actually seem to disagree with this. his entire argument is that he has an order to carry out, but he seems to have wanted to go with seimei. soubi is depressed and on top of this, he no longer has seimei. by this point, soubi is twenty years old and for his entire life, he has never not had someone telling him what to do. for twelve years, he was isolated in the mountains and for the past three, soubi has lived in the real world, but under seimei’s rule, where he was still heavily isolated and controlled. and in the few times he doesn’t have seimei, such as at his university, he fails miserably at interacting in a real, meaningful way with his peers and environment. to put it simple, agatsuma soubi has no fucking idea how to function in life.

we have a guy who’s never functioned without someone heavily controlling him like a puppet and who has been extremely isolated his entire life, someone who is so fucking depressed that according to kio, he hardly functioned for months after seimei’s death, and someone who’s only reason that he didn’t commit suicide was because he had an order from a dead guy to carry out. and that order was to love a twelve year-old boy. 

what’s more is that, as i explained above, soubi has an extremely warped idea of love. he does not associate it with a feeling. he associates it with physical actions. so when seimei tells soubi to go become ritsuka’s fighter and to love him, soubi’s idea of this ‘love him’ thing is a lot different from a normal person’s. soubi still seems to hold onto this idea of physical affection=love even in the later volumes, but he’s definitely less insistent with the inappropriate touching and actions than he was before. 

but this doesn’t fully explain his annoying behavior in the first few volumes. he was irritating, constantly speaking in riddles and withholding information and teasing and just generally being terrible. and i think one point of information is very important in examining this behavior–that soubi got worse after ritsuka repeatedly told him that he wouldn’t punish him.

basically, soubi’s behavior is like a toddler acting out when they’re told they can’t have something. except, it’s a little different. it’s not that soubi wanted it, persay, it’s that punishment is all he knows and that it’s a main mean of controlling him. this is when, i think, it dawned on soubi that ritsuka and seimei are different people. even from the first fucking chapter, soubi looks more than a little confused when ritsuka grabs his hand and asks him to take pictures with him. to him, this is absolutely not the way people (his masters) are supposed to act around him. the look on soubi’s face when ritsuka starts talking to him so casually is actually kind of hilarious.

‘this is absolutely not what i rehearsed’ 

to put it simply, the first few volumes of loveless are actually soubi falling apart and trying to figure out what the hell to do. he’s in an entirely new situation with himself–he’s making decisions for the first time in his life. he’s suddenly faced with the realization that he’s a goddamn adult and an adult in the relationship he’s trying to peruse. he’s older than the kid he’s fighting for and this kid is an actual kid. he’s not like seimei. i’d say that the first three volumes of loveless are soubi trying to make ritsuka into seimei or force him to act like him, because in his mind, there must be some seimei in there somewhere. 

the turning point, i’d say, for soubi, is somewhere in volume 3. i usually tell people that loveless doesn’t get good until volume 4 or 5, but soubi’s turning point where he realizes that ritsuka is ritsuka is actually somewhere in volume 3. i’d actually wager to say that it might be this scene:

for anyone who doesn’t remember a whole lot of volume 3, there’s a lot of remembering of seimei on both soubi and ritsuka’s parts. this is the volume where we get soubi fully remembering the day seimei told him to go to ritsuka if and when he died. soubi seems to spend a lot of this volume thinking about his past, since it’s also the first appearance of the zeroes and thus, the first appearance of soubi’s past with ritsu, which he also flashes back to in the beginning of the volume. this particular scene with the panel that i posted above is after ritsuka finally deciphers the message he’s been given and enters the wisdom resurrection game. when he does, soubi sort of freaks out and goes over to ritsuka’s house to find him asleep on the desk. the panel above is his immediate reaction and one of the first times we actually get to see soubi’s thoughts. 

when i was young, i like many others interpreted this scene as sexual, but looking at it now, it gives off a completely different feeling of soubi finally coming to the realization that ritsuka is an innocent child and cannot be and will never be seimei. and for a while, it does seem to bother soubi a little, to the point that he actually allows himself to be defeated by the zero girls soon after this scene. after this scene, there’s not a whole lot of creepiness on soubi’s part, though it does take a bit of time to taper off. 

then we get volume 5 soubi, which is where soubi becomes likable. this is where you are intended, writing-wise, to begin actually liking him. prior to this, he’s creepy, but during volume five and onwards, he becomes… human. and this is because this is when soubi actually begins to develop an identity. he starts showing a personality. he becomes an actual person because at this point, soubi has begun to accept that ritsuka isn’t and will never be seimei and he begins to think that maybe–he might be free of seimei. and maybe with ritsuka, even though things are still confusing and weird, it might be okay to develop some sense of a personality. things take their natural course, and soubi does, and he becomes likable to the reader not just because we’re finding out more about him and we’re getting into his head, thoughts, and motivations, but because this version of soubi is actually written as very likable because he’s developing a personality and is not being a meaningless creep anymore whose only personality is being a creep. this is the part of the story that soubi moves into a primary protagonist spot, whereas earlier, he was working against ritsuka, who was our primary protagonist. it’s here that you, as a reader, start to want things for soubi, and it’s because he becomes a ‘good guy’ protagonist.

god, there’s so much i want to talk about in this post. let me move on a little to soubi’s past, which i talked about a bit earlier. i think i may have said this in another post, but i think the primary reason that soubi doesn’t talk about his past with ritsuka isn’t because he was told not to by seimei, because we never actually see seimei telling soubi not to say those things. soubi’s only stipulation from seimei is not to talk about septimal moon or explain anything pertaining to them. however, ritsuka does find out about septimal moon and essentially, the cat is out of the bag after that and ritsuka makes the discovery of ritsu, and actually meets him in soubi’s presence during the WR game. i like this scene a lot because soubi instantly becomes extremely cold and goes against ritsuka’s orders by typing a fucking passive aggressive insult to ritsu by masquerading as ritsuka and that is very funny to me because it’s the most stupidly nefarious thing that we see soubi do in the manga at his own volition. the best part is that soubi was fully willing to keep going if he didn’t get his fucking yelled at when ritsuka immediately found out. 

anyways, soubi completely shuts up or changes the subject at pretty much any time ritsuka or someone else brings up his past with seimei or god forbid even the subject of ritsu. during the scene i talked about in the previous paragraph, soubi goes quiet and stiff when ritsu shows up, natsuo notices and is like “oh, your arm [hand] must still be hurting, so you can’t type, that’s why” and soubi’s fine to just let him think that and doesn’t correct him or anything

he constantly changes the subject when his past comes up and goes so far as to lie to ritsuka about how he lost his ears in an extra (special edition 3, i believe, there’s a link to it on the loveless drive i made). soubi hates talking about his past to the point where i am really getting the feeling that he isn’t doing it for ritsuka’s sake. let me start with this–seimei was weird. seimei knew everything without soubi even telling him. i have no doubt at all that seimei used his past with ritsu against soubi, even to passively taunt him. when soubi got to ritsuka and realized that he didn’t know anything about soubi’s past, it must have been… pretty freeing. because if a person doesn’t know, then they can’t judge you or use it against you, and soubi more likely than not thinks that it’s more painful to talk about it than it is to keep it bottled up, which is completely untrue. soubi doesn’t talk about it in an effort to protect himself from emotional pain.

and that’s the thing–soubi’s character is partially built around the concept of pain. soubi is shown to have a huge tolerance for pain, to the point where it’s just a part of his daily life. this is physical pain, though. i wholly believe that soubi’s entire character can be viewed as an argument to that ‘sticks and stones can hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me’ rhyme, because soubi absolutely cannot take emotional pain at all, and he’s put through an enormous amount of it over and over again. the physical pain was a way for him to shut out emotions, and the ownership over him was a way for him to not have to make decisions about anything, including what to feel. but now that he’s lost both of those, there’s only the emotional pain, and a lot of it. 

anyways, i’m gonna stop there for now and save some analysis for other posts i want to do, but let me know if theres anything in specific you want to know my thoughts or further thoughts on!