#I'm very sad my brain made her up and she's not a real person I've met

[dudeshusband]

god i love women

[antianakin]

So I was recommended Out With Lanterns by SkyBean in this post about other potential masters for Ahsoka back in October, and I've finally gotten around to finishing it (as well as most of the other fics in the series) and I HAVE to say something about it because I feel like this fic has changed my brain chemistry just a little.

For reference, Out With Lanterns is a fic where Ahsoka is chosen by Mace to be his Padawan about a year or so prior to AOTC and follows her life and training with him through the clone wars.

Since this is a fic rec, I'm going to put a few warnings out front. There's absolutely going to be spoilers for this fic because I have a lot to say about it, so if you are interested in the basic premise and don't want to know any of the details so you can experience it for yourself, please don't read past this paragraph. This fic is NOT Anakin friendly, in any way shape or form. It isn't what I would consider a character bashing and he only shows up like 3-4 times total in a fic that's 300k words long, but it doesn't try to be particularly kind to Anakin when he is there. It's also not super kind to Padme or Anidala, unsurprisingly. The fic is completed, but the series is still ongoing. This fic takes the war a LOT more seriously than the show did and it doesn't shy away from some of the darker things that can happen in a war or the violence that the characters might have to go through as a result of fighting in it. Some of the other fics in the series continue past Order 66 and look more in detail at what life might be like for Jedi who have to go on the run and constantly fear persecution. It's dark, it's painful, it's harrowing, but it's VERY very good. This fic is also INCREDIBLY pro Jedi and Jedi friendly.

On to the spoilery bits.

I've been sort-of on the fence about Ahsoka since her show came out last year and it's embittered me towards her character quite a bit, which is sort-of sad because I HAVE really enjoyed her in the past, but nothing about her current trajectory is anything I like or find interesting and in fact it feels like it's leading that branch of Star Wars in a direction I find actively distasteful. And it's hard to look at her character and not REMEMBER where she's ended up, it's hard to look at her in TCW and Rebels and not see all the things that were signs of where she was heading.

But this fic has done a lot to make me like her again. This fic is written by someone who so clearly understands what made Ahsoka a really compelling character initially and focuses in on that in such a way that it makes me remember what I HAVE liked about Ahsoka. It allows Ahsoka to be incredibly flawed, even as she grows and develops and matures, she still makes mistakes and struggles and needs guidance from her master. But those flaws don't make her incompetent or a bad person, quite the opposite. Ahsoka, by virtue of having a real Jedi Master instead of Anakin, ends up capable of acknowledging her own flaws and learning from them. She knows where her strengths and weaknesses are and is able to make decisions with that in mind, and when she makes mistakes she doesn't sit there and dwell on them, but she DOES let herself learn from them. Ahsoka in this fic does not feel like a mouthpiece, she feels like a real distinct character and I LOVE THAT about her.

I love the ways we see her become the Jedi she can't be in canon due to Anakin's influence, the ways she retains so much more of her Jedi heritage as a result of not learning from him, and how that helps her SO MUCH MORE than anything Anakin's training does for her in canon. I also love seeing how much of MACE gets reflected in Ahsoka, the things she specifically picks up from him, both good and bad.

I love the complexities of Ahsoka's relationship with the clones and how it develops from the first initial overtures to the deep friendships she has with them by the end to the complicated feelings she has after Order 66 and after discovering the chips. Her relationships with the various clone characters she interacts with don't feel like they're all the same, they're distinct from each other the way they should be because the CLONES are distinct from each other. I like the balance she has to manage between being their commanding officer and their friend. I like that she can love them and recognize that there are things about the clones that she doesn't want to replicate in herself because it would make her a worse Jedi. In particular, she understands that there's a REASON the war feels very "normal" for the clones and so their reaction to the horrors of it are very different than hers, but she doesn't want to end up becoming numb to the horrors to the point that war starts feeling normal to her because she feels like it would end up making her a worse Jedi down the line. I love the complexity of that, the lack of judgment towards the clones but the recognition that their experiences are very different from hers and she cannot and does not want to be like them in this.

I also love that there's equal attention paid to Ahsoka's relationships with other Jedi and how distinct THOSE feel from each other because the Jedi are also individual people and not a monolith. Her relationship with Adi Gallia is very different from her relationship with Obi-Wan or Agen Kolar or Kit Fisto and Nahdar Vebb. She learns different things from each of them, intentionally or not, and she likes some of them better than others. I love how much Ahsoka loves her own culture and the different ways we see that expressed, from needing to meditate every day to the many times we hear about her interacting with younglings when she's at the Temple. Ahsoka finally FEELS like a Jedi again here and that identity actually means something to her in a way I think canon has sort-of forgotten or intentionally dismissed.

One of the things I think this fic REALLY does well is taking Ahsoka's general irrelevance to the Skywalker Saga and making that a GOOD THING. Ahsoka being Mace's padawan changes nothing. The people who die in canon still die. The war still happens. In general, the missions we know about from TCW still happen and happen almost exactly the same way. Anakin still marries Padme and still joins Palpatine to save her and murders the Jedi. Ahsoka's addition to Anakin's story changes exactly nothing about it because it CAN'T. She isn't the reason he falls, she doesn't save him and never could have, everything he does happens with or without her. So removing her from his story changes exactly nothing about it. But the change in her position within the narrative does change HER. SHE'S impacted by the narrative far more than it can ever be impacted by her. And her irrelevance to the Skywalker Saga doesn't mean she isn't a compelling character anymore, she's almost MORE compelling now than she's ever been before specifically because she's more outside of it and can see it from that perspective. Ahsoka is compelling because she's AHSOKA, not because she's Anakin's padawan the way Felony seems to think. She can be compelling WITHOUT HIM if they would just believe in her ability to tell her own story. And she doesn't need to be relevant to the Skywalker Saga in order for her story to be important simply for being HERS. She has a story to tell and it's a good one, even if nothing major changes because of it.

I love the way that that is woven into the fic because I kept EXPECTING things to change due to Ahsoka not being Mace's padawan. I kept expecting her presence to save some of the people who die during TCW, I kept expecting endings to change somehow, and they just... don't. And even when it DOES, right at the end, when she escapes with some younglings and an injured Mace, and they apparently go on to create an underground Jedi Order, it doesn't change the end of the story in the OT. Luke and Leia still go to Tatooine and Alderaan, they still end up fighting on and over Endor as the final battle, Luke still goes off alone to face Anakin and Palpatine and that confrontation goes exactly the way it did in canon. Ahsoka's presence and the things her new backstory have changed in the background of the narrative have no actual bearing on the major Skywalker Saga. But there are more Jedi survivors in this AU than there are in canon, an entire Order that has been slowly piecing itself together in secrecy for the last 20 years, and even though that doesn't change the actual story, it's not nothing. It's not insignificant that they survived and they're there.

And I think the last thing I will discuss that I absolutely adore about this fic is Anakin's padawan. This character is an OC created seemingly to be a foil for Ahsoka, a mirror into the person she could've been had she ended up with Anakin instead of Mace, a reflection of her canon self even though neither Ahsoka nor this new padawan would ever be able to know that. I love the way that this allows the author to make that comparison for the readers without it being super in your face about it. Ahsoka isn't facing a literal reflection of herself and the new padawan IS her own person with her own personality and struggles, but she still definitely feels like "who Ahsoka would've become if she hadn't been saved by Mace."

The new padawan isn't supported by Anakin, but she's really close with Rex. She ends up feeling almost DEFINED by her years with Anakin and can't really connect to her Jedi upbringing anymore after Order 66 even though she spent far longer without Anakin than she did with him. She's young enough that she can't see the truth about his darkness and defends him to others no matter what, even though she admits after Order 66 that there were signs she can see now and blames herself for not being able to see the truth of them then. She succumbs to her own darkness because it's the path Anakin guided her down and she can't quite figure out how to get back onto the path of a Jedi, no matter how much Ahsoka and Mace try to help her. She's lost, floundering in her own darkness because the person who was supposed to guide her towards balance ended up isolating her from the rest of the Jedi and making her feel dependent on him and then he discarded her like she never mattered to him at all.

And I LOVE how broken and shattered she is, I love how consumed she is by her pain and grief and anger because she's known little else for like two years, I love the way she lashes out because she doesn't know how to control it, I love how difficult she finds it to act like a Jedi anymore, I love how much she feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore. THIS is what I wanted to see Ahsoka struggling with in the aftermath of her revelation about Anakin. THIS is the kind of person I wanted Ahsoka to be in the Ahsoka show. THIS is why I can't agree with anybody saying that she came across as particularly unkind or prickly or broken at the beginning of that show because she really isn't. She's BARELY upset every so often, she's SO calm and in control at all times. I wanted to see her ANGRY, I wanted to see her LOSE CONTROL, I wanted to see her lashing out at people who are just trying to help her because she's lost all sense of who she is in the wake of realizing the person who had guided her on her current path became a monster and she has no idea how much of that has impacted the person she's become and how much it will CONTINUE to impact her going forward. I wanted to see Ahsoka GENUINELY STRUGGLE with the things that have happened to her and see her REALLY changed by it all before being able to come back to herself in the end. And that's not what I was given. Not until this series entered my life, anyway, and it's not even technically happening to Ahsoka herself.

(I'll also point out here that at no point does the padawan ever say anything Jedi critical. Even as an Ahsoka foil who is partially representative of canon Ahsoka, she never falls so far that she blames the Jedi for their own genocide. So despite how much more she's struggling than canon Ahsoka does, she's still a better person than canon Ahsoka has become.)

So if you hated the Ahsoka show, loved the Kenobi show, and want something that's immensely Jedi friendly and Anakin critical that takes things like the war and Order 66 and the ensuing Purge VERY seriously, give this series a whirl. It's definitely an epic (and it's not done yet) and I had to take breaks every so often by reading something a little more light-hearted, but it's SO worth it.

[arcielee]

Interview With a Writer

Thank you @st-eve-barnes for going over your Saltburn series with me! Just a reminder, you can view volume 1 & 2 of my ongoing series Interview With a Writer, where these talented individuals allow me to pick their brains over the brilliance behind their writing!

Name: st-eve-barnes

Story: Leverage

Paring: Michael Gavey x Female!Reader

WARNINGS: 18+ for explicit content and language. Kissing, oral sex (male receiving), dry humping, hand job, fingering, p in v sex. First kiss and loss of virginity. Experienced reader. Enemies to lovers vibes.

So, when did you start writing?

I guess I have to say as a teenager, though I never shared anything I wrote back then. I still have the notebooks I used to drabble in (in Dutch), it wasn’t very good at all but I guess even back then I had that need to be creative and make my own stories.

I officially started writing fanfic in 2013. I watched Thor the Dark World, fell in love with Loki, made a Tumblr and a whole new world opened. After a few months of reading fanfic, I started writing my own. Again, it wasn’t very good at all but even my bad stories slowly started to find an audience on here, so I stuck with it.

Loki is amazing, just Aemond energy in a different font.

He truly is! I've written different characters since, but the moment I saw Aemond on screen I was transported back to the first time I saw Loki. His intensity, that quiet threat like you don't know what he's going to do next, combined with this, "I was made to be king but my stupid brother is the chosen one."

And a certain sadness, of course. We know they're the villains, but we understand them in a way and can feel their pain. And they are sexy as hell of course ;)

Where did the plot for Leverage come from?

Okay, so first of all, I am someone who never plans an entire plot when I start a fic. I am very much a "make it up as I go along" writer. I start with an idea and a dynamic I want to write between two characters and then I build from there.

For this one I wanted Reader and Michael to have a common goal and a common enemy, something that would push these two different characters to want to work together. I wanted the enemies to lovers vibe but soft. Like, you can tell very early on in the fic that they have empathy for each other. When Reader is crying, Michael softens up easily, and when she sees Michael being vulnerable about not being able to get girls, she feels for him as well.

Their personalities will still clash even after that, but you can (hopefully) feel the connection between them as well. I wanted Ben's threat to loom over them for the entire fic but also never make it the main plot point in every chapter. The main plot for me here was how Michael and Reader could help each other change and grow, and then either accept that change or turn away from it.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal?

No, not really, I think. I wanted to make her independent and confident, but also a little bit lonely, all traits you can also find in Michael. And anything else, as usual, I make up as I go along. I get to know the characters as I write them and often I'm surprised where they take me. In this fic I think it was Michael who surprised me the most though, he really turned out different than I initially had planned.

Explain your interpretation of Michael. What drives him? How did he differ from what you originally had in mind?

Salburn didn't give us much to work with, and I actually love that because it gives us so much freedom to play with the character.

I went with what the movie did give us: Michael's obvious hatred for the popular privileged kids. It's the reason he initially hates Reader, but warms up to her when he learns that she is actually working for her place at Oxford and she is not a real part of Ben's group. I think he is driven to help her purely because of that common enemy in the beginning.

Then he gets to know her a little and the promise of sex comes into play, which he definitely doesn't say no to. What surprised me in writing him is that I initially planned on writing him as a sub throughout the entire fic, but then half way in the tables started turning and he started taking over control a bit (of the Reader and me as well apparently!). And then suddenly it made complete sense to write him that way, because he would be that overeager student who wants to do well and who does the homework to get it exactly right, it doesn't matter whether it's math or sex, he wants to show how good and smart he is.

Him just accepting his feelings for her so calmly was also something I didn't plan, but just sort of happened as I was writing.

My initial plans there was going to be a big fight between her and Michael right before they would call things off. He would force her to admit her feelings and the sex would turn quite rough; Michael just being Michael and saying a lot of wrong things to her that would eventually shut her down completely. But I never wrote that scene and by the time I got there in the story it didn't seem to fit their characters anymore and it also seemed too heavy for this fic so I let go of that idea.

Do you feel your Reader and Michael complement one another?

I definitely think they complement each other, but I also think they are quite alike in many ways. As I said before, they are both quite confident in different ways and insecure in others.

I do think they complement each other perfectly with Michael being more book smart and focused, while Reader is (a lot) better with people and social skills. I think them being together changes them both for the better cause they can learn from each other's personalities and bring out the best out in each other (but also the worst, of course).

Let's say that in their future they definitely learn to focus on bringing out the best and not the worst in each other ;)

Do you think you'll ever continue their story?

Never say never, but there's no plans to write more for them for now. I don't think I've written many sequels over the years, but I love writing different ideas and dynamics between two characters and once they are together, it's like "my work here is done."

Do you have a personal favorite story (on ao3 or Tumblr) you'd like to share?

My absolute favorite story is from a previous fandom that I'm not in anymore, but I have to share that one as it is the single most beautiful thing I've ever read. It was the fic that pulled me into the fandom. It's a Stucky story and it's called Not Easily Conquered, known as NEC in the fandom.

It will crush your soul and heal you and I will give anyone the same advice I got before I read it for the first time: be prepared because this one will hurt. I cried for like a week after I read it and I don't cry easily so this one should come with a warning. But it is absolutely worth it!

Do you have another story in the works?

The only thing I'm working on right now is a Felix Catton x Reader story called Pretty Little Liars. Two chapters have been posted and I'm working on the next ones, but it may be a while as life has been a bit full on here lately.

Would you like to share a snippet of what's to come?

“I think he has a little crush on you,” you stated while Felix opened the door to his room and let you step inside first. Felix shook his head but the little blush on his cheeks didn’t go unnoticed by you. “It’s not like that,” he denied, “He’s just…a bit lost and I’m trying to be his friend.” “You sure that’s all he wants?” “Yeah,” he laughed, “Ollie doesn’t want me, he just wants to be like me.” “If you say so,” you sighed, not convinced. Felix grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you down to sit on the side of his bed, leaning forward to look into your eyes, “Hey, come on, don’t ruin this by becoming jealous.” “I’m not jealous, I’m…concerned.” That wasn’t a lie. Jealousy was never a factor, you knew right from the start that Felix would never truly be yours, you would always have to share him with the rest of the world. And you always accepted that. But the idea of sharing him with Oliver somehow made your blood boil. Felix kneeled down in front of you, eyes locking with yours as his gaze darkened and he smiled that irresistible smile of his. “Now, did you come up here to chat about Ollie, or to get your pussy eaten, hmm? Cause I can’t do both at the same time.” His lips connected with your knee, kissing your skin softly and you bit your lip and sighed deeply, “Fine, I’ll shut up.”

[nightofnyx8]

Does spy x family/ twiyor give you fma/ royai vibes? I don't know if my brain is just addled by royai fic love, but they feel similar somehow.

Maybe it's the tragedy of war in both stories, the forbidden love (that's bound to happen between twiyor and if it doesnt I'll be mad) between two people with blood on their hands.

I've seen hilarious (sad) comparisons between Nina and Anya of cute girl and big white dog, but that's not really what gives me the vibes.

I'm now diving into the manga but I saw some spoilers for Twilight's rough past that made me go 'oh shit... things can get dark'.

I just want someone who's better at analyzing things and studying characters (love ALL your fics btw) to tell me if I'm out of my mind or point out what I'm missing.

*takes a huge breath*

OKAY SO LIKE I was totally against watching Spy x Family at first because it was "mainstream" (it was a very stressful semester of college in my defense) until I saw this fanart by @mochidoodle, twiyor paralleling that royai moment in fma. From that point on, I was a goner. So while I do mostly write twiyor fics at the moment, my love for them is largely colored by my love for royai.

First up, Loid and Roy. On the surface, very different people. One overthinks everything and plans to the tiniest detail, while the other lives off of 99% pure impulse. Loid is a very serious and private person by nature, and while Roy definitely has his solemn moments, it's kind of his whole game to act like the immature colonel playboy of the military before he brings down the entire government with his real motive ("surprise, bitches!"). The main difference I'd say is that Roy knows what he wants, and has a very clear goal how to get there. Loid doesn't. He's still torn between his mission and his family, and doesn't even know who he really is. Like we don't even know his real name lol.

Yor and Riza are also very different. Riza is the voice of reason with Roy (and he definitely needs it). Her personality is actually more aligned with Loid's in that way--quiet, serious, and reserved. Both are them are very good shots. However, she and Yor both don't very highly of themselves at all. Both of them are very compassionate and kind in their own way, and both of them have a soft spot for children. However, Riza's overwhelming guilt comes from her choices in the Ishvalan War, whereas I think Yor almost...intentionally blocks out the brutality of what she has to do to keep her brother alive.

Which brings me to the topic of war in both series (spoiler alert).

Both FMA and Spy x Family are very antiwar. Neither of them glorifies warfare. Casualties and consequences are not treated lightly. Progranda plays a huge role. Both series are trying to prevent another war from happening. For the sake of the argument, I'm going to refer to Yor as a soldier as well as Loid because she is still putting her life on the line for her country (she even says her job is comparable to that of a soldier in the manga). The biggest difference is that Roy and Riza chose to do the things they did in Ishval. Loid and Yor did as well, however it was more their circumstances that pushed them into that decision. Loid lost his mother as a child and crawled around in the streets for years before finally joining the military, only to lose everyone he ever cared about. Yor did it because it was only way to save her brother from literally starving to death. The war between Ostania and Westalis forced literal children to become soldiers (and that's kind of Endo's shtick--what war does to children). Roy and Riza...I mean, there's a reason why their fate is so tragic. They literally committed genocide. Yes, their reasonings are far more complex than this little lecture has room for, but it sufficeth to say that their burden is immensely heavy (I'm not even going to get into how Riza's burnt tattoo fits into the tragedy of their relationship and their choices because it's going to make me cry). But that is FMA's whole thing: Choice. What makes us root for Roy and Riza despite everything? Because despite impossible odds, they are working for a future where something like the Ishvalan War will never happen again, even if they end up being sentenced to death along the way.

Now going back to Spy x Family, the plot doesn't center around a global scale like FMA does. Yes, the tension between the East and West is a huge part of it, but most of the story is centered around one little family. It's important to remember that FMA isn't royai's story--it's Ed and Al's. Roy and Riza's character arcs are mostly complete even by the beginning of the manga. Loid and Yor's and Anya's are not.

But you really did hit the mark when you said royai colors our love for twiyor because both couples are two people who care very deeply for one another but can never be together. Roy and Riza can never get married due to military regulations. And the fake marriage between Loid and Yor will end once Operation Strix is finished (or so Loid thinks). But it's not really the mission or the military that's keeping them apart. One of my favorite royai authors @lantur wrote such an amazing royai fic outlining the fact that Riza being Roy's subordinate isn't actually the thing keeping them apart. Those two have such a painful, shared history. (I mean, he literally burnt the tattoo off her back after using the knowledge of it to commit genocide, for which Riza feels partly responsible). And yet they are fiercely loyal to each other. They don't need to kiss or fuck to know how much these two love each other. (On screen I mean...you cannot tell me they didn't at least have one night together).

With Loid and Yor, it's not nearly as heavy. But Loid (or rather, Twilight) does carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. He feels it's his sole responsibility to bring about a world full of peace, and he will not deviate from that mission. But of course he's getting more attached (who wouldn't) and he's eventually going to have to choose between his forged little family and the rest of the world. To most, maybe that's a simple decision. But you have to remember that Twilight is one who is going to have to change the most out of the Forgers. His decision to love them changes everything. It actually brings up an interesting point if royai did have a child. Would they still choose to put themselves on trial if it meant the possibility of leaving their child an orphan?

Spy x Family is about, well, families. The strength that comes from when broken people decide to heal each other and create a future for their child that's bright and safe and warm. And that directly parallels with FMA because it doesn't always have to be blood-related families, but the bonds you choose to forge (pun intended). And though I hope for royai to have a nice, quiet life in the country somewhere, laughing and growing old together, it's left ambiguous for a reason. Twiyor on the other hand, well let's just say that my heart keeps telling me that their happy ending is coming, but they're going to have to go through a lot of pain and angst and denial of feelings to get there. It's a comedy, so I expect Endo will get them together eventually, it's the when that's the mystery.

So I guess to wrap up this very lengthy answer, while royai and twiyor are different on the surface, they are similar at their core. Fighting for a better world, creating their own families along the way, and sharing little moments of devotion through their daily lives. Because though the series is nowhere near being done, you know Loid would look at Yor like she's the moon and the stars once he finally realizes he loves her.

Thanks for letting me rant about something I feel very passionate about, and I'll probably add to it if I think of more reasons lol. I'm glad you enjoy my fics, that's very sweet of you to say! Have a wonderful weekend! <3

[lanaevyssmoved]

how do you feel about people getting astarion’s scars as tattoos because when i saw it i was like uh….

so i was thinking about how to answer this question for a bit and i've come to the conclusion that my struggles because i am completely gobsmacked that in 2023 we still have issues like this

i am 29 years old, which i think is very important to bring up. i've been on tumblr for over a decade, i remember when people were actually doxxed over kinning a character who did a murder once. i remember when lives were destroyed over how people chose to love a video game character. i remember when an ask like this would cause a witch hunt that ended in someone being genuinely unsafe. i think asks like this can still be dangerous, and i can't post this without making that clear. while i'd like to think this wouldn't happen anymore, i can't say for sure, i think we need to have the self awareness of what can come, when our history, as in tumblrs history, is full of things like this being actually deadly. sorry if that's a little too serious for the vibe you're putting out, but that shit was fucking traumatising and i'm not gonna pretend it wasn't, so this ask was a little scary to receive and my upcoming honesty? i'm scared to put it out there on gut instinct alone haha (insert comment about astarion kinnies here)

astarion is a video game character with intent to make you feel things, good or bad. he is designed to tell a story and attach you to that story. he is designed to make your little brain juices sizzle when he says a funny or makes you sad. i'm sure this is obvious, but your concern for what people do with these feelings makes me think it might not be.

the scars are fucking cool design. they were made to be fucking cool. you're meant to look at them the first time you do and go WHOA.... it is very easy to appreciate the work and effort that went into them by whomever designed them, they have a lot to be proud about. if someone wants the scars as a tattoo because they think it's cool, more power to them. that's a fucking expensive tattoo, it would take a long ass time to be finished and heal, it would never be an easy decision for these facts alone.. and adults can do whatever they like with their money. he doesn't exist, he isn't real, he can't be offended by this, and you shouldn't be either.

and now i have to get sensitive with it because astarions story, whether you want to think of this or not, can, and will, resonate with abused people. many kinds of people of course, but most especially abuse victims. as a victim myself, parts of his story hit just a little too close to home and hurt. now think of someone who might have it hit closer to home than it did for me, someone who finds more connection with what astarion went through and what they went through. now imagine how important astarion is to that person, his reclaiming of autonomy, his reclaiming of agency, etc. i can see someone wanting the scars as tattoos because then in their mind they can be astarion and do what astarion did. they can be closer to astarion and use that strength to survive and push through. they can feel what he felt and survive (obviously it's not the same, but it's the symbolism). unfortunately you cannot dismiss that some people may be doing it out of a place of trauma and using astarion to help them heal. i'm not arguing whether or not this is healthy, i've certainly done similar in my youth when it comes to relating to characters who have been abused, we all find our ways to cope, and we all find our places of strength.

astarion doesn't exist, he was created in a game studio with intent to make you feel shit, as established already, including intent to make you feel so strongly you want to put pieces of him on your skin forever, like, that's a compliment when it comes to making characters. if afhiri had something on her skin that signified trauma, and someone wanted to permanently put that on their skin? wow, she means that much to you? you liked her that much? that's a gods damn compliment. and i cannot see those who worked closely with astarions creation seeing it any other way.

what i can say is that when i was younger, 20-23ish, i probably would have given it an 'uh...' too, but as i grew older i realised that life is draining, it is hard, and there is no room to healthily view video game characters as any more than some code and 3d model that exist exclusively to make you feel something strong enough that you might want them with you forever, because that's the end goal, to make you feel that strongly, and if you wanna spend that hard earned money you make on putting the cool scars on your back, or the scars that make you feel so emotional that you cry on your back, do it. let the character whose made this rough existence a little easier or mean a little more do that for you, and if you wanna express it through a tattoo, do that, it's your body, your flesh.

i'm rambling on because i am so passionate in that life is too short to judge others via this. our lives are too hard already, life sucks enough as it is. the video game character doesn't give a shit if his scars are a tattoo because he's not real. who cares? why do you care? no, seriously, why do you care? does this help you? is it good for you? is judging someone else's decisions an act that brings you actual, real joy? is that how you want to spend your time? where you want to put your free thoughts? you don't know them, their reasoning, what they're going through, and it shouldn't matter. because their body has absolutely nothing to do with you, and i find it weird and uncomfortable that you cared enough about what someone else does with their body that you'd send me an anon about it.

i don't know whether you were looking for validation, or me to generally think about this critically, but i cannot encourage the mindset of caring about this more than "wow, i hope it looks good because that shit gonna be expeeeensive!!!" i cannot encourage sending people anon asks about it, it is strange to do that. this was strange! it was a strange experience and i don't like it. but i couldn't ignore it.

astarion might matter to you, personally, but he himself as a video game character, doesn't, because he isn't real, he has no feelings, he cannot be hurt or offended. but the person getting the tattoo? they're real. they're a real life person with feelings. they can be hurt, you can hurt them. you can judge them and bring them down and make them feel guilty for their choices. deciding whether you are the kind of person who'd do that to a living breathing person over a video game character is something you need to do. do you want to be that person? i know i certainly don't

[beyondtheegress]

HUGE POST ABOUT EUPHORIA

Euphoria is a crazy ass show

*Disclaimer: these are just my own opinions, and I might discuss spoilers so beware!*

I've seen Euphoria a few times but haven't had the chance to watch it recently. And this recent rewatch has got me thinking.

1) The main thing, the large majority of the reason I like this show is the visuals. You have the admit the actual filmmaking is beautiful. So many shots are visually stunning and iconic. So much creativity was happening surrounding the show, especially in the makeup world. The way the show looks is the main reason I turn it on, just being honest. It's fun brain candy until it makes you want to kill yourself.

2) I think the choice for Rue to verbally narrate was a masterful decision. Of course she can be unreliable within her own story but outside of herself she is generally all-knowing about the other characters' stories; she is sardonic and sometimes provides relief for the audience. I liked it.

3) Honestly the representation was kinda nice. They never actually pointed and screamed that someone may be different from the white heteronormative standards. Everyone just existed and had no real issue with identities. (Nate excluded but we'll get there)

4) I never liked Jules and her inability to ever communicate a single emotion in a non-destructive way. But to be fair they BUTCHERED Jules' character in season two. Cal's whole story is so depressing; just made me sad. Love Maddie, she's so herself I think she's one of the strongest, most sure characters. Cassie really needs therapy. Kat's focus was super weak which was disappointing because she had a really fun personality. I actually really like Lexi, she's the most normal. FEZCO, I love that character; he actually has interesting motives and he's got a good heart.

5) Nate Jacobs. He is so incredibly frightening. His behavior is much more extreme than just feeling repressed. He broke into a man's house, beat him within an inch of his life, showered and dressed in that man's clothes, and then took his gf on a date (who he later physically abuses and puts a gun to her head). He is wired wrong, he enjoys having power over other people and he's dangerous.

6) The music is addictive.

7) The whole second season is absolutely bonkers and makes very little sense. I'm aware there was a lot going on behind the scenes and unfortunately I think that bled through on screen. The second season is just so DISORGANIZED. Characters get forgotten about for extra titty shots, it's kind of obnoxious.

8) Everyday I worry about that big bag of pills and the fact Rue owes an emotionless drug lord thousands. And her mom/friends got riiiiiid of it!!!! That shit is so scary. That was a loose end that desperately needed tying up.

9) WHY the fuck was this set in high school. The age thing was just a plot device and nothing more; it added very little. There's almost zero paternal consequences and how often do you hear any of the characters talk about class or homework?? Like that's all you do in high school. This should have been set in college. Not even to mention the massive amounts of graphic sex that's supposed to be between teenagers. College. Should've been college.

These are just my opinions! It's fun to debrief after watching something that has tons of plot holes, problems, and toxicity.

{This show paired with Bojack Horseman make for grade A emotional self harm 😅}

[panie-wanie-dean-bean]

he won't leave my brain

Fuck, hi, I never thought I would be posting this but I need these thoughts out of my brain or so heLP ME GOD-I'm fine. For those who have yet to look at the tags, this will be talking about the game, or rather the au I've made for, Something's Wrong with Sunny Day Jack. The creators have said they don't want anyone under eighteen to be near this game or fandom. Adults only folks

Alright now that I've worn down the kiddo's attention spans let's hop in

So, like I said before this is an au, a royalty au to be exact, just not in the way you'd think. See royalty aus are usually used to end up with a royal spouse or partner of some kind, but that's not what this is, sorry to disappoint ^^; The royalty is just how this all starts out

So, most people in the fandom know about Joseph at this point, troubled teen turns into a troubled adult that's trying to be a better person, and then he dies a little bit but we're glossing over that for now. This au is very similar to that, in this au Joseph is the heir to the throne but doesn't want the crown. His parents don't respect him, treating him like a simple fallback, insurance that the kingdom will go on without them, and nothing more, leaving him in the care of the castle staff and leaving it at that

It's because of this neglect that Joseph ends up wandering around the castle at such a young age, meeting the sons of both the head guard and royal chef. A few months later he got even bolder, wandering out into the town and meeting the daughter of a librarian. These four became inseparable, and quite rambunctious in their teen years. It was at this time Joseph's parents decided enough was finally time to act like parents "You're the heir to the throne, the entire kingdom! It's time you started acting like it"

Their only mistake was allowing him one last night. He spoke to his friends about what happened, and how he'll never get to hang out with them again. He'd lost all hope but the librarian's daughter, who had always had her head up in the clouds, had an idea "Why not join the circus?" The circus, the one that came once a month every year, the one they had all gone to every night it was in town, the one the head guard's son broke his nose trying to imitate, it was perfect, to a bunch of sad teenagers anyway.

That night they all left without even a goodbye, they all had their own issues with their real homes, finding much more comfort in each other. Lucky for them a girl from the circus who was just a few years older than them took pity on them and took them in, having seen them at so many shows before. She became a sort of big sister to all of them, but most of all to Joseph. They just clicked, and bounced off of each other incredibly well during improv training, so much so that she even decided to match his colors to hers

As the years went by everyone found their role. The royal chef's son became Rory Rainberry, a member of the group for sure, but mostly known for the mouth-watering confections he whipped up for the stands outside of shows. The head guard's son became Knackadan Drizzle, a strong man, lifting over ten times what the average man could. The librarian's daughter became Cloudy-Belle Sue, known best for her incredible stories, that could make the audience laugh, cry, and cheer all in a few minutes. The girl who was already in the carnival was called Daisy Chain Jane, simply calling her the contortionist would be selling her short, having been raised by clowns she can do just about anything around the big top, the tight rope, juggling, animal taming, you name it

Then there was Joseph, the shining star of the show, now known as Sunny Day Jack he was seen as the best clown in the biz, second only to his "big sis" but he would always deny such a claim. This was a team effort, there were no leaders among them, just friends doing what they love

and I think that's all for now, sure I have ideas for how Jack could meet his sunshine, and how he dies, but do you see how fucking long this thing is already? Do you see now why I had to write this? I've been keeping all of this in my brain and I can't keep it in anymore. If you've made it this far, thank you, really you super didn't have to, but if you like what you see here and want more I'd certainly write scenarios or headcanons for it. It feels weird to say I'll write headcanons for my own au but I can't think of what else to call those bullet-point lists of what a character would do in a given situation. Alright, is that it? I think that's it, see ya!

[puzzleemerald]

MORE FANFIC SHIP ART, LET'S GO! (I have a crippling addiction to commissioning art; send help) This piece was a YCH (Your Character Here) done for me by ItsNattie yet again—you'll be seeing a lot of her work on my blog.

Please don't reblog!

Time to wax poetic and ramble about my OC nonsense for five-plus paragraphs again! Remember, none of this is related to RP; I'll be talking about the FanFiction version of Amaterasu! The version of her I roleplay with is a separate thing! The last thing I want is other Inuyasha RPers avoiding me because they think I'll only RP exclusively with Sesshōmaru RPers! >< I'm happy to interact with anyone! ♥️

Sesshōmaru is one of my oldest childhood crushed ever; Inuyasha was such a big part of my childhood because my family had the complete collection of DVDs, so it just makes too much sense I'd end up having an OC shipping with him as an adult. He's such a beautiful character, for one; I am cripplingly weak to guys with long hair. However, he's also so mysterious without being like... super edgy and broody, like this ethereal ghost with his own goal separate from literally everyone. Just flying around, doing his own thing, kicking ass, and looking fabulous doing it.

For me, making an OC for a pairing is the best excuse to get super OCD and channel my autistic brain into hours upon hours of studying a canon character—in this case, studying Sesshōmaru. People just fascinate me. Well... specifically, fictional people fascinate me. Real people are scary. However, when I was conceptualizing Amaterasu—this was long before I'd named her and settled on making her the Shinto Kami of the Sun—I couldn't for the life of me think of what would make good chemistry with such a complex character as him.

Sesshōmaru has so much subtlety to him that it's hard to tell what he's thinking or feeling, even with context clues. As I got older, though, it hit me. If Sesshōmaru is mysterious and powerful, the best counterpart would be someone equally powerful... but more open! (Note: I've never read the Manga, and this was before I'd seen The Final Act, and waaay before Yashahime was a thing... so I had no idea SesshRin was gonna be a canon thing. XD)

...Then my sadist brain had a Metal Gear Solid alert sound effect moment, lol. What if I made her a Kami, thus an opposite to him, and ran with a Romeo and Juliet-esque situation where they can never be happy together in the end? I thought I was being so clever back then, lol.

From there, I was like a woman possessed, writing about ten pages of headcanons, situations, etc., daily for a week. (Unfortunately, it was all on paper, and those old notes have been lost to time... very sad.) I not only wrote about potential interactions between Amaterasu and Sesshōmaru but also possible interactions and dynamics she might (in my FanFic, this doesn't = my expectations for people I RP with) have with other canon characters like Inuyasha, Kagome, Kikyō, Koga, Miroku, Sango, etc..

It was one of those magical moments where this fictional person you've made up in your head just comes alive, y'know? I love Amaterasu so much; I love that she's physically, mentally, and spiritually powerful. In many ways, despite seeming like such a calm, carefree queen, she wears her heart on her sleeve with her actions. I relate a lot to her perfectionism and always trying to be someone worthy. It was also entertaining to dive into the psychology of what it's probably like to be someone like Amaterasu... she was born in the highest position there is; she is the personification sun that keeps the world alive, and in Shinto, she's depicted as the mother of Japan (Grandmother to the first ever Emporer) and the most respected woman in the land. She's a god, but I imagine the way she thinks would be very human since the Shinto's depictions of their "gods," the kami, are very different from how modern religions depict gods.

The Kami are spirits of nature itself; they have enormous personalities to explain away why certain things happen, much like the Greek Pantheon. Yet, in my research, the Shinto Kami feel closer to humans than the Greek Gods because the Olympians stay on Olympus 90% of the time while Kami live and breathe their duty, their element. So I write Amaterasu as a figure of strength, warmth, and tenacity with a flaring temper she tries to manage so others don't get hurt. She admires other women who show inner strength and fight with their own hands, but she doesn't scrutinize women who are content to be passive or meek, either. She's protective of humans because she sees them all as her children and wants them to live long, fulfilling lives on whatever path they choose for themselves.

Throughout her story, Amaterasu tries so hard to do her best at everything she does, not just tunnel-visioning on defeating Naraku (her main objective and only ticket home) but stopping to help anyone in trouble or need, even if it might slow her down or delay her from reaching that big goal she's after. It's probably part of her I admire most; she's a good samaritan even if it's "beneath her," or "doesn't benefit her," or could even "hinder her" in some way.

She's an ideal I wish my cynical ass could be, lol.

[astrowaffles]

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "astrowaffles "?

i really have to dig in the archives for this one! i'm very sad because i have forgotten to bookmark lots of fics that I think about all the time. i've done my best to dredge up the ones I wanted. mostly these are in no particular order. title/link first, then description.

Three-year-old Atsumu and Osamu accidentally travel into the future. Twenty-three-year-old Atsumu has no choice but to look after them.

Cue family shenanigans, team bonding, and playing house with Sakusa Kiyoomi. Atsumu can't believe this is his life.

Neither Kiyoomi nor Atsumu are strangers to casual sex. The reason for that is “a lack of emotional capacity,” as Kiyoomi would say, and Atsumu is “just really horny”. They sometimes meet in the hallways when they pull their victims behind them, heated gazes clashing in the space between them.

That they end up sleeping with each other at some point is an inevitability, and so is the rest. They just take a while to realize it.

Featuring the complications of room assignments, unintentional domesticity and a lot of mutual dumbassery. Also, the bone-deep exasperation of an entire volleyball team.

“Omi, was it?” And there’s the voice that Sakusa so desperately wishes he could ignore. He turns to meet the catcher’s gaze anyway.

“Kiyoomi. I prefer Sakusa.”

“Right, Omi. Ya pitch?”

“According to my contract.”

“Listen,” Atsumu adjusts himself once more so he’s relaxed along the chair rather than sitting on the cushion properly—legs again propped onto the armrest, “I’m gonna be yer catcher nine times outta ten and I love this game. We can both at least agree that a workin’ relationship would be beneficial for the both of us.”

***

finally called up to the majors, kiyoomi is thrilled to be playing baseball just as he always dreamed. until he realizes that playing at this level includes playing nice with miya atsumu—baseball's walking media circus. surely the media couldn't be that wrong about the hot-head catcher, right?

Chuuya breathes. Dazai answers, “Yamashita Park.” Ding.

(Kunikida despairs as he tallies yet another correct answer. “Just how are they doing this.”) (Lucy tugs at her braids as she sees the odd couple rack up points, frustrated and awed in equal measures. “What is wrong with Japan.”)

(Or, the one where they play charades and everyone gets traumatized by soukoku’s level of telepathy.)

The fanclub girls are annoying Machi about being on the student council. Kakeru has a plan to divert their attention. It's a fake dating AU. * “Well, I may have…” Manabe's cheeks flooded with colour, suddenly. And it made Yuki confused enough to forget how freezing cold with fury he was. “I may have already said – a few – some things.” There was a beat. A beat where Yuki’s brain had to catch up. It didn’t like what it arrived in. “You gave me a fake boyfriend?” His voice shook. His hands shook. He pressed them into fists in case Manabe was looking. His eyes were still on the ground. He hand scratching the hair at the back of his neck feverishly. “Your…relationship is fake,” he said, slowly. Painfully slowly. “But your boyfriend – your boyfriend is a real person.”

was seeing bokuto some predestined fate? or did akaashi just chance upon it all?

The fans have been begging for olympic athletes Kageyama Tobio and Hinata Shouyou to do promo together, the JVA finally gives in

[OR; kagehina play truth or drink, the internet goes absolutely bonkers]

“What is that thing for?”

“I’m glad you asked, captain. This… is the Public Display of Affection jar. Or PDA jar for short.”

“Now whenever you do something that may hurt our children’s innocence, you’ll have to put money in the jar as a punishment."

Inspired by simple-symponia's art.

“So what’s the issue then?” Xie Lian asks.

Feng Xin takes a deep breath in, lets it out, and then breathes in again. “What I’m trying to say is, I think I’m homophobic.”

Or, Mu Qing starts going out on dates, and Feng Xin starts slowly losing his mind.

he was an idol, he was a twitch streamer, can i make it any more obvious?

(yes i can)

zuko was a member of the international pop sensation soolong, and between travel and rehearsals and concerts and events, he rarely had free time. but when he did, zuko spent it watching livestreams of a mysterious hot boy who spent his time playing video games.

his name was sokka, and zuko was in love.

-

-

also, no, there's no story behind 'astrowaffles'! i've cycled through a lot of names - rosedewdrop, lonelylilravenclaw, apolla-holla....i just wanted something fandom neutral so i could post whatever i wanted. thanks for the ask!

[hypergamiss]

Maybe you can help me understand the way insta's recommendations work....But I think If someone has ever had your phone number, you will be suggested to follow them on insta and vice versa. I think this is the gist, I've tried reading thru the policy but can't find anything that explicitly states this.

Anyway, I'm bringing this up because I'm about to change my phone number because I keep getting suggested to follow people I haven't seen in 6+ years. Like co workers and people from group projects in college. I have accidentally stumbled across so many girls' OF/sex work accounts and it makes me sad and embarrassed for them. The trend, especially for gen z, is to give sex work a chance because the media tells us it's lucrative. I'm so glad I chose not to put myself out there like that--the internet will do you dirty every time. The fake user names are not hiding anything.

I just got done reading thru mess on twitter. A young girl who had a lot of promise, went against my advice I gave her years ago and gave up a full ride for OF content. She really thought she would be better off without a degree. Well, she found a pimp/bf and they're both struggling while they rely on her content to pay the bills. Selling pics of her privates for 8.99 a month. I found all this because she was randomly suggested on insta. Neither one of us have the others numbers anymore, yet because we had that digital connection several years ago we will never be able to escape each other online.

I'm a sex positive woman, but I hate that so many girls lacked guidance and discernment when they made these decisions. If I am stumbling across these accounts against my will, imagine who else in their life is seeing this. The internet is forever and people are not as stealthy as they think they are. I just feel so sad knowing this digital footprint is going to haunt them later on. I had a SD in college but I met him through a friend and didn't need to put myself online. He was actually the one who taught me how to be truly anonymous online because he knew I'd be thankful for it once my career took off.

I'm not very knowledgable on instagrams recommendations but I'm guessing that it's using data that goes back all the way to when you first created a facebook profile since Meta became a thing and they're all under one umbrella now. There is so much that is being done with everyone's(personal) data, at this point it might have to do more with your email than you're phone number(or both).

I never fully understood the pimp dynamic. I legit thought the pimp concept was a made up thing that they used only for films and music videos(naive, I know). Then I grew up and one day met a "pimp" in real life(laughed at his face, I thought he was joking about it) and my jaw was glued to the floor. I still can't fathom why any woman would just hand over all her earnings to a man so he can just live off of her income and work her to death. Oh and they have multiple women at once??? My brain still doesn't want to accept that pimps are a real thing😅 Obviously now I assume that a trouble history and maybe drug abuse might lead women to this path, but even then. Pimps are NOTHING without women...

I agree with you on the digital footprint topic, I wish everyone took it more seriously.... It's a forever thing. More permanent than a tattoo or a marriage will ever be!

It also saddens me that many young women don't have the guidance that they could really use. I wish I could personally be there for each and every one of them.

[willel]

Not trying to sound annoying here, but I said many times that this play was going to most likely include a love story between Bob's sister and Henry while people disagreed and attacked me. Now it's revealed that what I predicted was true, now some people just seem to not accept this reality despite the reveal being obvious.

I also think that it's pretty likely that the writers will connect the story to the play and revolve the story around it by conforming that Henry wants to take revenge on the town and on Joyce, Bob, and Hopper because of something they 'did' in the past from Henry's perspective. Maybe they caused Patty's death accidentally and that's what made Henry be angry at town and Joyce, Bob, and Hopper. That may be the reason why Henry wants to take revenge on the town and Jopper + Bob. This also most likely includes Will's kidnapping. And it actually would explain a lot of things, if Henry wants to kinda take revenge, it explains why the Byers are the only family in the town who seem to get targeted in S1, why the MF/Demogorgon seems to not be fond of Joyce and was angry at her, why Will was the one who got targeted twice, and why Bob ended up getting killed, etc.

We may not like this story personally, but let's be real guys... it's very clear and likely that this is where the writers are going for in terms of the overall story and the play's plot.

Is the discourse really that intense right now? I barely see anyone talking about the play

I agree that Patty may play a part in Henry's downfall, but I don't think it'll be the only reason. Maybe just the start of it. The "memory that makes you sad but angry" and he starts spiraling as one bad thing happens to him after another. Patty, his mom, Brenner, all of it.

And you know, I've been wondering about this Alice thing as well. Why wouldn't she have been cast? It's so weird. It got me thinking, was Alice adopted? Did they try to "replace" Henry with a happier child? I dunno random thought that's been swimming in my brain.

Anyway, I still don't agree that Bob, Joyce, or Hopper will be directly involved int his or that Henry has a personal vendetta against them in particular. The Byers weren't the only ones targeted in town, only Will seemed to have been hand picked. Otherwise, the Demogorgon only cared about food and El. It chased or killed everyone else.

In season 2, yet again, it didn't give a shit about anything other than Will and only started caring about everyone else when it got burned and decided to kill anyone in Will's way.

In season 3, it only cared about El. Everyone else involved was meat food.

In season 4, he only cared about his 4 targets so that he could open a gate and kill everyone.

Imo, it's unnecessary to center this conflict on Vecna getting revenge against Joyce and Hopper specifically. I truly think Henry hates the whole town and everyone in it, including them.

I think Joyce, Hopper, and Bob probably witnessed what happened that upset Henry so much, but I'm really not sure why they'd be the cause of it. Not even accidentally.

An example I can think of is their biggest inspiration for Freddy Kruger. When he was alive, Freddy was burned to death by an entire mob of parents so now he hunts down the children of that mob, which is essentially the whole town. Whether or not the parents directly did something like pour gasoline or light the fire, they witnessed it and thus became his targets.

In A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy is introduced as a serial child killer, Fred Krueger, from the fictitious town of Springwood, Ohio, who kills his victims with a bladed leather glove he crafted in a boiler room where he used to take his 20 victims. He is captured, but is set free on a technicality when it is discovered that the search warrant was not signed in the right place. He is hunted down by a mob made up of the town's vengeful parents and cornered in the boiler room. The mob douses the building with gasoline and sets it on fire by throwing Molotov cocktails, burning him alive. While his body dies, his spirit lives on within the dreams of a group of teenagers and pre-adolescents living on Elm Street, whom he preys on by entering their dreams and killing them, fueled by the town's memories and fear of him and empowered by a trio of 'dream demons' to be their willing instrument of evil. He is apparently destroyed at the end of the film by protagonist Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp), but the last scene reveals that he has survived. He goes on to antagonize the teenage protagonists of the film's sequels, including Jesse Walsh (Mark Patton), Kristen Parker (Patricia Arquette), Alice Johnson (Lisa Wilcox), and Lori Campbell (Monica Keena).

If I had to guess the plot:

Henry already had trouble fitting in and a pretty poopy home life. Maybe while his dad was at war in Vietnam (that is the war he was in right?), his mother didn't take care of him and was awful.

Suddenly, when his dad was finally coming back to war, his mother flipped her switch and suddenly became the model mother and wife and despite her neglect, tried to get him to do it too, be he wasn't good at pretending.

He finally makes a friend Patty and he feels like things are finally looking up, but something happens to her which is one of the triggers to his spiral. Maybe he was with her when it happened and gets blamed for it? Or at least suspected.

Being that Patty is Bob's sister, maybe Hopper, Joyce, and Bob try to investigate the circumstances of her death and they get really close to the truth? Maybe they do discover the truth and they're the only ones that know because no one believed them.

Anyway, what happens to Patty was so terrible and Henry was so deeply affected that his dad decided they should move for a "fresh start" in a new house. This also affected him deeply and he had trouble adjusting.

When his dad wasn't looking, maybe his mother was still awful, which is another crack in the mirror.

When the nightmares started, his mom called Brenner on him and that was another trigger for him.

And thus, it all came crumbling down and he tried to kill his whole family.

I dunno. Guess this will be by bingo card and I'll cross off everything I got right when the play gets here.

All that to say, no one should be arguing and getting mad over all this. It's just a play. Yeesh.

[tolerateit]

HI JEN 💓💝💘💕💓💞💗💕💓💝💘

first and foremost, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 💌💌💌 i hope this new year brings nothing but love, happinness, and lots of success and growth for you and your loved ones! 💝 how are you doing today? :)

i saw your post about not being around, i'm sorry about the passing of your relative; my condolences to you and the rest of your family.

i agree with what you said so much! taylor has such a talent for storytelling; it's truly amazing the way she transports you to the scenery she's describing when she sings 🤯🤯🤯 although not colour, but the way she makes snow on the beach sound exactly like that... mindblowing!

ohhhh, i'm surprised to see we share some likings! i'm more of a casual fan (i don't really follow them so i have noo idea what they're up to, however, i enjoy their music a lot!), but halsey is very good! i used to listen to them obsessively back when badlands came out; it's like one of those things that etch into your brain forever. i loveeee haunting, control, castle, and strange love! i listened to if i can't have love i want power last year and i enjoyed it a lot too, although i haven't really listened to it more, i found it to be an amazing album as well (i am not a woman, i'm a god is such a bop).

fall out boy are also amazing!! save rock and roll is like one of my favourite albums EVER, and american beauty/american psycho also is one of my faves to listen to! if you said they have new music coming, i hope i don't miss it :) ariana too!! ugh, i adore her music; dangerous woman is also one of my favourites and she's just so!! i do realise i am quite disconnected from mainstream media lately, but before the pandemic i was head over heels with these artists! demi lovato is also incredible! i love their voice (i am not sure at this point how they identify, so i apologise if i'm misgendering them); truly a wonder to witness 👀 although i think they put a rock album lately? i heard one song and i want to listen to it skjndshfb

i was a big fan of 5SOS back in high school too, although some things happened and i kinda just ignore them now 🫥🫥 (nothing personal, they just remind me of someone) but i've seen they've gotten big and that makes me happy for them cause they were really good and their albums (the first two) were on my playlist every day!

OH I ALMOST FORGOT EMAILS I CAN'T SEND!! like every artist i mentioned before, i used to listen to sabrina a lot years ago, but i drifted away. however, recently (and due to @/into my melancholia [i hope this doesn't give away my identity 🫥]) i listened to emails i can't send and LOVED it! 💓💓💓 it's such a good album too, i've been obsessed with nonsense and read your mind.

as for mirrorball, it's one of taylor's best writing, however sad, but i can also relate to it

ohhhhh, i've read some stephen king's books (and loved them!) but i haven't read doctor sleep; i might check it out 👀 my favourite drink is coffee, i don't drink much alcohol but i love wine! fun fact: my first language is spanish! so if there's any grammar or spelling mistakes in here, i apologise hehe

full offense but bailey is the cutest and i love him 🥺🥺🥺

i know this was quite a long ask (again), but i hope you don't mind :( i wanted to gush about things too! i know soon we'll unveil our gifts and to be honest, i'm kinda insecure about mine because i feel it's not a big deal :( despite that, i hope you'll like it, and i hope you don't regret me being your secret santa. just know that i loved meeting you and learning about you and you're so nice and kind that i'm thankful this site has people like you that make it a safe place 💗💗💗

i hope you're having a lovely day, please take care of yourself! ��💞💞💞

-🎅

HI SANTA SWIFTIE!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

first and most important thing i have to say in response to this is that i am so excited to see my gift and it is a big deal to me bc you made it for me and put thought into it sooo let's be real i love it already!!!!!!! you've been so sweet and wonderful to talk to, thank you for your kindness, i appreciate you more than i could ever say💕💕

thank you for your kind words for my family, i really, really appreciate that. it's a weird time, but we'll be okay.

CONTROL CASTLE AND STRANGE LOVE?? could your taste get any better? you're an icon. i've tried to see halsey twice and it hasn't worked out yet... the day it happens... idek who i'll become.

FALL OU TBOY!!!! SAVE ROCK AND ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT ENTIRE ALBUMMMMMM JKSJKDSGJK . save rock and roll feat. elton john? bye. just one yesterday? incredible. miss missing you? AMAZING. young volcanoes? heard it live and nearly passed out.

i love fall out boy.

Z!!!!!! Z!!!!!! @intomymelancholia YOUR INFLUENCE CREATED ANOTHER SABRINA FAN!!!!!!!! I Love it.

if you love wine you should try the fruity kind i like! that might sound weird, but barefoot fruitscato, if you can get it... yummm!!!

Bailey loves you. xo

and so do I.

[a-moth-to-the-light]

but then! sleep is mine. (nov 25, 2022)

My Tumblr (and irl! he's a real person it's wild) bestie requested that I start doing daily updates on my account, sort of like I did for Tranquil's Studyblr Challenge (which I still need to do the last question for, oops!), and who am I to deny the public their wishes? Now that planning is done and this feature has finally arrived, I hope that I'll be able to keep up with it to some extent as time goes on! Thanks for the idea, and let me know what kinds of things you want to hear about in these posts :)

The Day, In Short

So, on Tuesday night, I got zero hours and zero minutes of sleep, and I've been using the holiday to catch up on that! So I slept about ten hours last night + napped for two today, and, as per usual, got made fun of for it. But I do not care! *smug* Everyone is just jealous that I love sleep with my new meds--they've made my sleep way deeper and falling asleep easier, which has really improved my relationship with it! On the plane yesterday, I fell asleep before we were even in the air, and I didn't wake up once. The best flight experience ever :)

I've had trouble focusing on reading these past few days, though. I brought Lockwood & Co. book three with me to visit family, but my attempts to read have been pretty pathetic. I think the focus issues might be a mix of accumulated lack of sleep & anxiety (unfortunately VERY related), so I'll need to be a bit easier on myself when it comes to reading for the next week or so, I think. Shorter phases of focus, more reading out loud!

OMGOMG LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT

Wednesday: I'm visiting family right now, and my youngest sibling convinced me to start watching Wednesday on Netflix with him today. We got through the first two episodes, and I'm thoroughly entertained! I absolutely love the costuming, the way it creates very distinct, whimsical aesthetics for characters like Marilyn Thornhill, Enid, and Wednesday herself! I'm looking forward to seeing more, though now I'm craving a reread of The School for Good and Evil trilogy (the second trilogy doesn't exist to me, sorry not sorry!), which has the same deliciously discomfiting aesthetic, but with relationships I find a lot more compelling! (Let's just say a lot of crying happens in the series, and I love it for that!)

Partner in Crime: See, I keep leaving really sad songs on repeat and then wondering why I've been so moody and anxious. A few days ago it was Lana Del Rey's "Ultraviolence," and now I'm back to Lucy Dacus's "Partner in Crime," particularly the Spotify Sessions acoustic version. The guitar sounds so close by, rubbing nicely against my ears when I listen with earbuds, and the chorus gets me every time, which is perfectly consistent with past Lucy Dacus favorites (FOREVER HALF MAST FOREVER HALF MAST), where her fluid shifts in and out of her delicate higher range keep me in awe. Listen for how she sounds on "city that never sleeps" and cry, folks. CRY.

Wanna Know: So Irris made their debut back in July, apparently, but I didn't hear this song until it came on shuffle a week ago. I'm so glad it did, because I'm absolutely obsessed! It reminds me of Gugudan's "Shotgun" in terms of structure, with the main attraction of both being a bubblegum-pop prechorus that drops into a deadpan chorus, but I think "Wanna Know" really leaves its mark through the performances. I'm glad they put the rap in the bridge--it amplifies the energy so well, just like LE's bridge rap in "Up & Down"--and I find their vocals very satisfying and memorable! That rap is absolutely captivating, though--I'll be keeping a lookout for Liv in the future :)

things that make brain buzz

I'm not actively working on any big writing projects (outside of academic papers for school, that is!), but I have been reading and annotating an old favorite, the Lockwood and Co. series, which I'm really excited to do some writing about! I have so much to say about this bizarre, fantastic series and the impact it's had on me, to the point where I get pretty overwhelmed just thinking about it. I really struggle with long-term writing projects, ones where I want to cover a lot of content and a lot of ideas, so this is one avenue through which I'm hoping to practice formulating more expansive projects--a big step towards creating the kind of content I dream of!

I've also been collecting material for a more personal essay, one about my experiences with Alba Reche's music & winter. Her newest collection of music, honestamente triste, has reminded me of the many cold, isolating days her music has been my company throughout, and I've been feeling just sentimental enough to want to revisit them in writing.

Will I Do Anything Interesting Tomorrow?

There's a new Friendly Space Ninja video, so that's on my priority list for tomorrow! My focus issues with reading have unfortunately extended to YouTube listening, too, which is really sad because my little corner of YouTube brings me ridiculous amounts of joy and inspiration. I love referencing video essays in my writing for classes, and I've learned so much about the kind of writer I want to be from the YouTube creators I obsess over! I've still been saving videos in my to-watch list, though, so hopefully not too many will get lost in the shuffle during this phase!

Otherwise, I just need to take my flight home and find some good things to eat, because I've been missing out on meals / eating very lightly lately, and that's made things really tough for me :( I might go out for ramen, or make a quick Walmart run for sandwich wraps!

Quote of the Day!

OMG NO NOT HER COUSIN

-- me

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

third degree mother hunger

engage with the pain as a motive

I found these writings in one of my old small journals. I have a huge tub full of these things. God, I really have been writing like I'm running out of time. I have 17 of the bigger ones. I like the bigger ones because I can easily put the date on the pages, but this has no date. I didn't get good at dating them until I got to the bigger ones. I was obviously doing some shadow work on my mother wound. I can see this as the outside of the spiral of meaning, and can see where my understanding has deepened. I went after my mother wound first, because I was desperate not to become her. It used to be my biggest fear. I still struggle with my rage because I worry mine will become poisonous and venomous like hers. I really really used to hate her. Now I look at her like one of those inbred cats we used to have shitting in the yard. Twisted and ugly and sad. Like Golem.

My relationship with my mother was violent and enmeshed. She was my first biological love, and she betrayed me in so many ways. When you're bonded with who you're inherently scared of, it destroys the relationship template. I remember wanting to be like her as a child. I mostly remember being disgusted with her as a child, though, and imagining myself pushing her down a hill when she was old and in a wheelchair. It didn't feel good to think like that. At least my plan showed patience. I hid my abuse from everyone, especially myself. Betrayer blindness is still something I have to watch myself for, because I was programmed very young. Even now I will see myself having patterns of thoughts where I fear the consequences of how someone treats me if others should find out more than the pain of the mistreatment. This is undermined a lot of my efforts.

As a child we have to believe our mother is a good person. Nature protects us. That fucks you up with you're an adult. When someone else does something shamelessly, the shame has to do somewhere. Kids are very easy to shame, and even with all the work I've done I still carry so much of it. I get frustrated when I feel embarrassed about something, even though I know what that shame needs is compassion and kindness.

I was raised to be so aware of my mother's pain and her lost dreams. It's hard to remember the good things she did without bitterness. I still struggle with naming my own feelings and emotions without having to write them down or journal them. Enmeshment really makes it difficult to have an identity or to develop one. I still struggle with the relief I feel having a valid reason to have her out of my life. I was so happy I had a "real" reason. Even now my kids will talk about how they felt going there, the silent chaos and seething resentment. Being around my mother was so uncomfortable. Being the only person she showed so much violence to made it even more difficult to live as though things were fine. She'd ask me, over and over, when I visited, "Did you have a happy childhood?" and I'd find a way to answer positive without lying exactly. The truth? It was timeless suffering and loneliness where I knew any authentic expression of myself would be punished with some kind of physical or emotional pain. I was never a person. I was a ghost who had a role to play in skin. When the mother takes her daughter as her own confidante and vicarious image of herself, she instills inside her daughter's brain a psychological marriage. The daughter fulfills the role of the spouse. It makes someone profoundly sexually anorexic. I loved my father, and she hated it. She'd constantly tell me she wanted him to get cancer and die. She would punish me if I showed him too much love. She's scold me, saying, "You still call him Daddy, but you never call me Mommy. You just love him so much more than me even though I do everything for you." Abuse is pervasive in the way it can control the whole environment. Everyone would walk on eggshells not to set her off. When her mood changed it was so ugly and terrifying. Her face would get red and her eyes would glaze over and she'd yell and spit when she talked. She was a big woman, too, even though she was obsessed with fad diets. She had be on hydroxycut in high school. I still forget when I'm hungry because I was so used to starving myself. I never had much of a problem with weight, but I think she was most proud of my body when my gym teacher told her she was worried that I was wasting away. She was so harmful that the rest of the family would sacrifice their dignity, pride, and anything, especially me. If they could get her gaze on me they would all disappear. I was different. I knew the pain was going to come either way, so I learned how to get what I needed. I remember my dad telling me one time, "I know what you're going to do. You're going to piss her off so that she hurts you enough to feel guilty and go buy you a new dress." I remember shrugging, and thinking, "If it works, it works. The pain comes either way. Might as well get something out of it."

He also used to call me, "A little Dyanne." I think that was the most hurtful habit he had. The worst part was... he believed it. Even when he saw I wasn't. I think I'd laugh at him today as say, "I never became her, but you married her and never left. I did. I didn't become either of you."

It's a cold comfort, but it's what I have.

[themiracleofteddybearmanifestos]

Spoilers for Heaven Official's Blessing/TGCF

I've finished reading TGCF in record time (for me) and now idk what to do cause it was my hyperfixation and now that I'm done I'm depressed.

Anyways all that aside, since it's literally permeated my brain to the point it's rotting, any song I hear makes me think of it and here are my top few recent ones that I really love

Without further adieu, Songs That Remind Me of Heaven Official's Blessing:

1) Everything In You - HalfShy, Adventure Time. Lyrics:

You and me We got something to lose Boy, you got your dreams I got everything in you And I'll be there through all the reveries 'Cause I believe in you more than I ever believed in me Ooh, and I love you, love you, love you No, it's not so hard to tell And I love you, love you, love you Is it obvious to everyone else?

And maybe this is killing part of me But it ain't called love without a little tragedy

Explanation: Pretty straightforward, it's Hua Cheng's perspective. He's dedicated to the max. Though the intention here differs from the original context of the song in AT, it still applies. The tragedy here is not stemming from their relationship, but damn these two are poster children for tragic back stories.

2) J's Lullaby - Delaney Bailey. Lyrics:

Darlin', I'd wait for you Even if you didn't ask me to Tie a lasso around the moon And bring it on down to you I'd bottle the feelin' you give me And shelve that stuff for years to come 'Cause, baby, when your arms are around me I'd swear that I'm holding the sun I'd give you the sun if you asked me You could have all of the time You could have the stars and the trees When dividin' up the universe You could have mine You could have mine Darlin', I wish that you Could give me some more time To herd the whole sky in my arms And release it when you're mine

Explanation: again, very applicable to Hua Cheng's perspective. This song is one of the most intensely dedicated and heartfelt love songs and Hua Cheng is maybe the most loyal person to ever exist (800 years and not a single negative thought about Xie Lian, never a doubt in his mind of how much he loves him or if he should give up). Seriously, this song fits SO well I feel like to explain it would be redundant.

3) Little Life, Cordelia

Explanation: So, this one for me made me think of Xie Lian and the domestic little life he has with Hua Cheng and how much that means to him. This one isn't just lyrical, it's the whole sound and feeling of the song which is why I included it instead of writing the lyrics.

4) Slipping Through My Fingers - ABBA/Meryl Streep (both versions are good). Lyrics:

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness And I have to sit down for a while The feeling that I'm losing her forever And without really entering her world I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter That funny little girl Slipping through my fingers all the time I try to capture every minute The feeling in it Slipping through my fingers all the time Do I really see what's in her mind Each time I think I'm close to knowing She keeps on growing Slipping through my fingers all the time

Explanation: This one's a lot different as this actually made me think of Xie Lian's mom. Seeing her son grow into a god and witnessing the distance grow between them. She was fully supportive and had so much love for her son, but he grew further and further away from her. This one gets me real sad, even if his mom wasn't super present in the story it's still heartbreaking.

And yeah, basically every song will remind me of the series ATM bc it's literally all that's on my mind but these 4 especially did and made me want to edit videos but I don't have that kinda time or energy or talent lmao. But the series is just.... Ughhhh it's such a beautiful story, even with any questionable moments/details, it's genuinely such a fantastically written series and GOD the love between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng is painfully beautiful. I don't love codependency but idec with these two they're both so supportive of each other and both fully want to be together at all times and you know what I also want them to be together at all times, they deserve it. I knew there was a lot of trauma since I first watched the show in 2021 and have been a fan, but actually reading all the books and learning everything is gut wrenching and heartbreaking and yet so beautiful and satisfying.

[hard-core-super-star]

exactly!! It's not like I went to bed at that time precisely because - as mentioned here before - It takes almost 5 years to finish responding correctly, including deleting and writing everything again and any obstacles to sending the message. and thanks for not scolding me jfkskakjsk. In fact, this information is really important! well, with the test and this information I came to the conclusion that there is a difference of 5 hours or so between us. okay, admitting this where everyone can see was not very well thought out.... ANYWAY, It's not fair, I have to be right for once, It's impossible for someone to always be right 🤨 I-.... that- that makes sense..... 😶

I'm on the way to understanding all (or almost) of them! I'm watching this track record, when I'm finally right I'm going to have a party with the theme “I was finally right”...... since you're happy I think I'll be less of a brat about it. babe I'm already wanting my third star since you gave me the first one jshskak. hmmmm, I had an idea with this spider-man thing, If you know an app called rave then you probably know what I'm discreetly asking 😶 lmao we should. okay, we'll leave this topic open, end of case *🔨🔨🔨* I didn't find the gavel that is used in court. why are you like this???kshajwkskksk I won't answer. thank you, stand-up awaits us.

but I'm not leaving sentences unfinished anymore 🤨 oh kshskaks..... right. remember your goal to keep making me smile? well, this has been achieved again. but I think now this just instigated me to want to know what these so-called “stupid things” are lmao. I think I need an example just to be sure of what I should think 👀 yes, it actually counts as me agreeing. I mean, I'm not the best person to read between the lines so your non-discreetness helps me more than I'd like to admit.

well, I'm not going to say that being called out doesn't show that there are people reading this- jshsjakakk well, I don't know what I should do now, but I don't think I'll ask for your Instagram in this case and I won't send you a message on tktk just to make sure. and I'm not thinking that this math was low! I will test it.

It would be funny if you made a reference, I understood it but then you no longer remember it lmao.

just reading this is difficult... pronouncing it is where the real problem lies. It's not usual but I'm with you, liking writing is something, but now liking grammar is something else- especially if it's from another language. It's a strange but really cool tradition, we're not going to lie here, the parties are cool. that makes sense! It's so good to feel this when you travel, feel the whole place and even the smallest details, enjoy every second and make it count. I'm glad you enjoyed your trip and your birthday. “the sounds” JSHAKAKAKNDKK It seems like you're having war memories with this 😭 yeah yeah I'm here for it! I don't know if you've ever watched strange things, but kate's personality seems a bit like robin's in terms of being an overthinker, talking nonstop, hyperactive and things like that. even the “reacts way faster than she thinks” thing. what am I seeing here, a big softie yelena???? the biggest plot twist that I created in my head right now is because yelena and kate were playing uno and she was sad because yelena made her take almost all the cards in the game. don’t you want to share how she would encourage that? 🥹

– 🌟

i've been trying to reply to you for like 4 hours but life just didn't let that happen 🫠 everything's fine i'm just dramatic and easily overwhelmed as i've mentioned like 50 times at this point. basically, please forgive me if i make less sense than usual, my brain has completely shut off by now. yeah, of course not, we are in fact very speedy and i didn't spend like 3 hours on my phone today because of these messages. in fact, that information just revealed how long it actually takes me to type these things out lmao. but yeah, i agree with those results which means it'll probably be 2am for you again when i post this and hopefully you'll be asleep, not because i don't want to talk to you but because i hope you're taking care of yourself and sleeping enough. yeah, but it's fun so :) i've given you the chance to be right and yet somehow, it never happens so...that must mean i'm very clearly always right. does it? you want to expand on that for me?

i know and that makes me very happy! that...sounds like a boring theme, tbh. do i get to be invited to this once-in-a-lifetime event, though? aw, that's cute but i find it hard to believe that you'll genuinely stop being a brat 👀 wow, let me try to act surprised about this knowledge 😲 was it convincing, darling? i certainly know about this app now that you've mentioned it but i think you should be less discrete about what you're asking, just so we're on the same page 😶 i was fighting the urge to say caso cerrado and failed lmao. why am i like what? incredibly witty? incredibly obvious? i'm going to need an answer. i agree, we're already closer to being comedians than most people.

true, you're just not even attempting to answer anymore which is technically an answer. YES! thank you for not keeping this information to yourself, it's exactly what i needed to hear. oh come on, practically every sentence i write to you is one of those "stupid things", i make it very easy. an example? don't get greedy on me again, little star. i find that very difficult to believe but then again, maybe i've just been very obvious lmao. i don't think you have to try super hard to read between these lines, tbh. i've basically been exposing myself in every message.

i'm so glad you're not reminding me that i've been called out because that moment isn't going to be ingrained in my brain forever now. well, i'm not going to admit that this actually confused me but that might be because i'm tired af. i'm also not going to say that i randomly got a new follower on tktk today but since i assumed they would be messaging me first, i didn't reach out yet. i'm also not going to say that if you're not interested i won't give you my Instagram. the only reason i'm not double-checking is because i don't want to appear annoying or clingy. and i'm certainly not excitedly waiting for said message so i can talk about alpha!kate, not at all.

it would be equal parts funny and sad, tbh. the worst part is, it will definitely happen lmao.

i KNOW, it doesn't matter how much time goes by, there are still words i get self-conscious saying (like strategy) i don't think anyone genuinely likes grammar. maybe sociopaths or masochists or something. oh god, i basically just pretend grammar doesn't exist when i practice writing and spelling in french 😶 that's...a good point. i honestly can't remember the last time i went to one of those parties, though so i'll have to take your word for it. there's no way that actually made sense to you, how tf do you do it??? but yeah, i love paying attention to those small details because it makes everything else easier to remember. asdskdlg technically yes, lmao. i'll just say it goes back to why i use rubixcube instead of my actual last name. i've never seen stranger things 😶 but i'll take your word for it. this does bring me to another point though, does kate have ADHD? i go back and forth on this one, tbh. oh yeah, yelena's the biggest softie ever. a cool softie but a softie nonetheless. dghashgahda that sounds accurate af. yelena would boast about how great she is at the game until she sees kate's sad little eyes and then she'd be forced to hide +4 cards in the stack so kate could get them and use them in revenge. honestly, yelena gives me like an encouraging nod type of vibe. she'd just look at kate while she goes off on her random rant and nod along the entire time, feigning shock when she has to and smiling the rest of the time.