#I'm tired and in pain and anxious and i miss being healthy

[chomesuke]

watching your life and all your relationships fall apart as you are barely able to leave your house is a very devastating part of being chronically ill.

[zayneslady]

summary: it's been a while since the last time you saw him, but you missed him so terribly.

warnings: angst/comfort. Happy endings for the win *sobs* Pt. 2 of these scenarios

characters: Zayne, Rafayel, Xavier x reader (separately)

a/n: I wanted to apologize. I got some comments saying that perhaps I wrote them a bit too ooc and that they wouldn't do something like this, so I was thinking maybe I should step out from writing these; I'm probably not understanding the characters very well. I'm really sorry! I had this one written already, so this is probably going to be the last post I make! Thank you for your support! In only a couple of days you guys were so amazing and loving, I'm super moved and I don't deserve you all at all ❤️

classification: scenarios

tag list: many of you asked me to tag you in the second part, I hope you guys like it! 💕

@biitchyberry @rosaryia @lcheerymotion @mo0nforme

ZAYNE ❄️

It's been four weeks since your argument with Zayne. The first days had been like hell. You had already tasted the honey of a relationship with the person you liked the most and loved the most. You wanted more of him, you needed more. You felt anxious without him, like you had become addicted to his kisses, his gentle touch, and the sweet words he whispered in your ears. You missed him more than you dared to admit.

The days passed slowly, each second seemed to last an eternity. When you got home you felt the emptiness of his presence and you felt like dying, but life continued on, and eventually you got used to being without him. The pain was still present, but more bearable as time kept its course. 

You had stopped frequenting the places you knew he liked for fear of running into him. The dessert shop, the cafe near the hospital, the night stands near the library. You even avoided getting sick so you wouldn't have to go to the hospital. Your life was limited to going to work and coming straight home, with occasional visits to buy groceries. 

You would never have thought that you would have to live a life again without Zayne and only because he didn't know how to separate his friendships from his romantic partner. So smart, but so stupid at the same time. 

You sighed, returning to the present and the food you were making; it was too late when you realized it, but unconsciously you were making one of his favorite dishes. You weren't going to waste the food, so you just carried on trying not to think much about it. 

“Now, where did I put–,” you stopped, surprised by the sudden knocking on your door. You frowned, you were not expecting anyone, but the knocking continued once more and you sighed, turned off the stove. “I'm coming.”

You regretted opening the door. Opening just a crack to see who it was, your heart fluttered in your chest as if there was a small caged bird inside it. Zayne was standing in front of you. He looked ridiculously tired, more than you'd ever seen him. The bags and dark circles under his eyes were deep, his skin did not look radiant and healthy as always and his eyes did not shine like emeralds. 

Your hands were sweating and your insides were churning. "Are you okay?" You asked with a broken voice. Zayne shook his head and he fainted, but with a gasp, you quickly wrapped an arm around his waist and tried to keep him upright. “Zayne! Hey, what's happening?” 

Zayne didn't answer you, and just leaned on you. Not knowing what to do, you dragged him inside and carefully guided him to your room. Once there, you laid him down on your bed, he looked weak. 

“Zayne? Can you hear me? Are you okay?” 

He mumbled your name and your heart raced. “I'm… I am sorry,” he said as he finally passed out. You gasped, but soon heard the soft snores you were so used to. 

Was he that exhausted? And what was he doing at your house? You frowned, fighting back the stinging sensation in your eyes as you tried to hold back some tears. He really always appeared to stir everything inside you. You had already accepted your life without him, but here he was. You sighed heavily, taking off Zayne's shoes and covering him with a blanket.

Your eyes couldn't help but admire him. Even though he was tired, he still looked as handsome as ever. It seemed like a dream, an illusion that would disappear at any moment. You wanted it to happen. You wanted him to disappear, but at the same time, you wanted to take him in your arms and kiss his face. But no, clearing your throat, you grabbed an extra blanket and left the room, closing the door behind you. It was better to let him rest so he could leave as soon as he got up. 

The next morning you woke up to soft steps. Sitting up and whining a little after sleeping on the couch, you saw Zayne coming out from your bedroom. His hair was messy and he was rubbing one of his eyes like a little child, something warm spread across your chest and a smile tried to spread your lips, but you stopped it. He seemed more rested, the bags under his eyes had diminished considerably and his skin looked a little more alive. 

“Zayne.”

He seemed a bit startled as he looked at you with slightly wide eyes. “Hello… I am sorry I fell asleep.” 

You hummed, folding the blanket. “Haven't you been sleeping well?" You didn't want to sound worried, but you were. 

“I haven't… I constantly have nightmares and I've been working over time… a lot more."

“Why?”

“Because I can't stop thinking about you,” he said and despair filled his eyes. “You have no idea how much I've missed you. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have been working nonstop so I can have my mind occupied, but you're always there, in the back of my head.” 

Don't cry. Don't cry! 

“And what exactly do you want me to do about it, Zayne?” You said coldly, wanting to get over with this. 

Zayne approached you and you couldn't move as he took your hands. “Please, please. Give me another chance. I swear. I swear in my life that I do not have feelings for her. I just… I was just stupid and took you for granted. Please, my love, please.”

Tears began to well up in your eyes and you cried even harder as Zayne grabbed your face. "N-No, don't touch me.”

“Please. How can I show you I truly want you? Do you want me to stop talking to her? I'll do it. I'll do it, so please. Just… please. I can't live without you.” His words sounded sincere.

His eyes were glassy and the pain on his face was evident, but your heart still hurt. How did you know that he really wouldn't leave you as a second option anymore? You couldn't even tell him to stop talking to Miss Hunter, you knew this was just Zayne's fault. 

“Zayne… Zayne you're hurting me so much.”

“I know. I know I am and I am terribly sorry for this. I love you. I truly love you.” 

You also loved him, so much. 

“... If this ever happens again, Zayne… I won't forgive you another time. Remember that.”

His green eyes shone with happiness as he pulled you into a tight hug. You hugged him back, the tips of your fingers tingling as you felt his warmth, the tip of your nose digging into the crook of his neck, you breathed deeply, enjoying his scent. 

“You're on trial, Zayne.”

Zayne chuckled and he nodded. “Yes. You won't regret me, I promise you.”

RAFAYEL 🐠

Life was boring without him. He was the spark and the spice in your days. With him, every day seemed like a small adventure, but now that you no longer saw him, the days seemed dark and lifeless. You didn't even remember how much time had passed since that day. One week? Three days? Two months? You weren't sure and, honestly, you tried not to think about it too much because, even though you missed him, the pang of pain in your heart almost made you gasp for air every single time you recalled every moment with him. It was almost as if his bodyguard had also been there, on every date with Rafayel, for all of your conversations were about her. 

He was full of praise for her. He named each of her virtues and laughed affectionately at her defects. He didn't accept anyone claiming that they were better than her or stronger, because his precious bodyguard was the strongest and the bestest. Just thinking about it made you feel tears filling your eyes. You didn't want to remember any of it, but as you held your phone with your thumb hovering over the dial button, you couldn't stop thinking about how miserable Rafayel made you feel, even when he also made you feel like the most loved person in the world. 

When he didn't have his mouth full of his wonderful bodyguard, Rafayel showered you with affection. His kisses, his hugs, and his caresses all felt full of love and tenderness. His beautiful eyes looked at you sweetly, as if you were the most precious thing that ever existed on earth. He liked to tease you and make you laugh and he always said that you were like a muse for all his paintings: The sparkle in your eyes, the color of your hair, the texture of your skin, the curves of your body, everything was inspiration.

How could he be so cruel and loving all at the same time? Poor bodyguard, you even didn't like her although she hadn't done anything wrong, as far as you knew. 

Sighing, you finally tapped on the green button and your heart raced faster and faster at every beep coming from the other side of the line. Would he answer you? Was he… with her? Was he busy with one of his paintings? What if- 

His voice calling your name surprised you, making you jump. “I’m here! Hi!” he sounded out of breath and your cheeks blushed. “Hmm, h-how are you d-doing?” 

“Rafayel…,” you took a deep breath. “I… have some clothes at your place. Could I stop by later to get them?” 

“YES! I… I mean… yes. I'll- I'll be here all day. You can stop by at any time you want.”

“... Right. Then, see you there, Rafayel.” 

You let out a long sigh after hanging up. You had forgotten how wonderful his voice was and the way he pronounced your name. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach. You were going to see him, you were really going to come again, but you shouldn't be excited. What if he and his bodyguard were dating? The thought made your stomach twist and you decided it was best to leave immediately. The quicker you finish this, the better. 

As always, the door was open, but you didn't immediately enter, your hands were shaking and your heart was racing against your ribcage. You didn't want to see him.

Taking a deep breath, you gently pushed the door open and you were greeted with that aroma that you had missed so much. The smell of acrylic paint, the sea and Rafayel's scent. You couldn't help but take a long breath- this exquisite smell felt like home. Your eyes watered a little, but you tried to stay calm as you walked deeper into the spacious house.

“R-Rafayel? Are you here? "You heard a gasp from the room and in a second, Rafayel appeared in front of you. Ah, he looked as wonderful and beautiful as always. His gorgeous eyes were wide, looking you up and down as his mouth stretched into a shy smile. You wanted to hug him. “The door… was open so I just- I'm sorry.”

“No! That's okay! I… I left it open for you!” 

You nodded. “I see… do you mind if I just…”

“No, go ahead, please.” You excuse yourself as you made your way to his room, as you passed by him you felt your legs tremble and you gasped in surprise when he suddenly took your hand.

“Rafayel, what-

“Please, forgive me,” he begged, his eyebrows furrowed in a painful expression. “I was absolutely wrong, you were so right. I was stupid and careless and hurt you so badly.”

“Rafayel… I just came for my clothing, let me g-

“Please!” He hugged you and you went stiff. “Please, please,” he sobbed in your ear. 

“Are you crying?” 

He nodded. “I can't live another second without you. I can't paint anymore. I feel like a piece of me has been taken away, I live half and barely. I really, really do not have feelings for my bodyguard. You're the only one I can think about.”

“Then why- 

“I just… I was just stupid, I didn't mean anything to hurt you, I swear! When I said I missed her, what I wanted to say is that I wanted to train with her, I would never make you train, that's too dangerous,” he started to explain in a rush. “When I told you about the candies, it's because she gave me some amazing chocolate I wanted to gift you and then-

“Rafayel-

“Please. Just this once, I swear,” he said, finally showing his reddened face, tears streaming down his face. You gulped, reaching up to clean his tears away and he whined. “I wasn't there to wipe your tears, I am so sorry.” 

That made you burst into tears. That's right, you really wanted him to wipe your tears. He gently cupped your cheeks and his thumbs brushed against your cheeks, catching all of those tears falling from your pretty eyes. 

“You can break up with me if I do something like that again! But please… just this once. I love you so much. I really do.” 

You looked at him, His eyes were still wet and some tears were still falling down his cheeks. Maybe…

“Just this once, Rafayel… I won't forgive anything like this ever again.” He beamed and leaned down to capture your lips in a kiss, but you covered his mouth, frowning slightly. “I'm still mad at you.”

He blinked and gently smiled behind your hand before taking it in his. “Of course, I'll prove myself to you, beautiful creation.” 

XAVIER ⭐

You couldn't sleep. It's been two weeks since you last slept properly. Two weeks ago you were in Xavier's arms and he held you lovingly, whispering words of comfort in your ears. You weren't sure why, but being around Xavier always made you feel relaxed, a little sleepy, but never bored. You loved spending lazy times with him, taking naps and frolicking in bed, giggling like fools and giving each other soft, tender kisses. 

With his warmth and love it was not difficult to fall asleep at night, he always wanted to sleep so that tranquility that emanated from him was enough to relax you and make you sleep throughout the whole night. In the mornings you felt rejuvenated and full of life and seeing his sleepy smile was like living in a dream. 

You felt your bottom lip quiver into a pout. You missed him too much. You never thought he would behave that way. Had you never really been important to him? If he wanted to be with his partner so much, why had he even agreed to go out with you in the first place? 

“Agh! I hate you Xavier!” You cried, banging your fists against the table in your kitchen. “Why did you let me fall in love with you?” Maybe you really had gone crazy, talking to the table like that. 

There was no time for this. It was almost dark and you still needed to go buy some groceries for your dinner. You struggled out of your house, so tired and dragging your feet. You wanted to sleep... with Xavier. You wanted to feel his warmth. But... what if he now wrapped his partner in his arms? Your cheeks turned red and, trying to avoid thinking about it, you hurried to catch the bus. 

You found a seat near the door and next to a young man, there weren't as many people as you imagined and as the bus started to go you felt your eyes heavy. Maybe... you could sleep for a few minutes? The store wasn't far away, so just a few minutes... just a couple of minutes… 

You heard your name being called between clouds. From far away. Over and over and over. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. 

“Hmm?” You opened your eyes and gasped, How long had it been?! Where were you? And... why was your head...? Had you fallen asleep on someone's shoulder?! "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" You said, raising your head only to find that the young man next to you... "Xavier?!" 

The hunter blinked, his eyes avoided yours for a second before looking directly at you and nodding a small greeting. Had he been there next to you the whole time? You could barely notice what was happening around you with how tired you were, but, strangely, you felt very good. It seemed like he really was the cure for all your ills. You chuckled softly, shaking your head. Xavier looked at you confused, tilting his head to the side like a little bird. 

“I'm sorry, Xavier. I didn't know you were there,” you jumped, “but wait, where are we?!” Checking outside the window, you could tell you were far away from the store now. 

“We're almost at my place,” he said gently and the alarms in your head set off. His partner... didn't she live in the apartment below?! Oh no. Before, you had no problem staying at Xavier's house, but... if they were really in a relationship…

“I gotta go,” you said, seeing the next bus station. It was already dark outside.

“Where are you going?” Xavier asked and you frowned.

“What do you mean? Back home. I only wanted to go to the store, but I fell asleep as you could see… Now it's even dark. Thankfully it's not raining,” you were babbling to yourself as you waited to arrive at the next stop, when you finally did, you got up. “Sorry about that, Xavier. Goodnight.” 

"Now... The next bus…," you mumbled checking the bus's schedule. "10 minutes? Lucky~"

“I'll go with you.” 

You couldn't help but squeal and jump when you heard his voice right behind you. Turning around, you saw him standing there, as tall as he was and as bright as the stars. 

“I'll take you home. It's dark. Something could happen.”

You rolled your eyes. "What could happen, I'm only going home.” 

“Some witnesses have seen wanderers in the area. I can't let you go alone." 

You sat on the bench, arms crossed, Xavier sitting next to you. "Ah, that's true. I'm not strong like your... Forget it." Your cheeks turned red. Very well! Keep opening your big mouth! Xavier didn't say anything, but you could feel his gaze on you and the blush on your cheeks traveled to the tips of your ears. 

Silence reigned between you. You could feel him, his warmth, he was so close to you, you could reach out and touch his knee. Your eyes felt heavy, you wanted to hug him. 

“I am sorry,” he suddenly said and you thought you imagined it but then he repeated it. “I am sorry for what I said the other day.” You turned to look at him and flinched when he saw his bright eyes looking sad and red. “I don't know what I was thinking. Talking like that in front of my girlfriend. Acting like I didn't want to have been there with you, but you're the only person I want close to me. I don't like nor have feelings for my coworker, I only want and need you.” 

He gently wiped a tear from your rosy cheek, his touch was electrifying. 

“You haven't been sleeping well.” You didn't answer, but he continued. “I haven't been able to sleep either. I keep recalling that day and seeing your crying face, I can't stand it… please forgive me.” 

He took your hands and you finally looked up at him, your eyes widening as you saw a small tear fall down his cheek. 

“I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I still beg you, I beg you to give me another chance. I promise I'll do better. Something like this will never happen again. I was an idiot." 

You frowned, “you were an idiot. Do you have any idea how you made me feel? It's hard to believe you love me.” 

He nodded, listening to you carefully. “I know it's hard to believe, but please let me prove it to you, let me show you how much I love you, please. I can't be without you anymore, my star. I need you, otherwise I'll go crazy. Please.” 

You sobbed and Xavier gently pulled you close to him. Wrapping you between his warm arms. You tried to pull away, but he didn't let you and soon you melted in his embrace, crying into his work clothes. 

“Please, give me another chance.” 

You nodded softly. Just one more chance. “There's not gonna be a second time,” you warned between sobs and he chuckled, kissing the top of your head. 

“I won't need them. I will treasure you as the most valuable thing that you are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” 

[journalofanangel]

what causes me to self destruct?

the fear of losing, the fear of missing out, the fear of disappointing someone (regardless of our relationship or how close we are), the fear of being hurt or abandoned... i also overthink and blame myself and can't separate myself from my thoughts and emotions.

I feel pressured, ashamed, and anxious. I get a rush of adrenaline that is mostly, if not entirely, shame and anxiety. I get nervous and, even if I feel like I'm thinking clearly, I'm still irrational and I can't put two and two together. this might have to do with my disorders unfortunately.

If you label yourself as a bad person, you’ll start to believe that something’s inherently wrong with you and that you’ll never improve. Instead, by thinking of yourself as a good, worthy person who makes mistakes, you give yourself permission to grow. (quote)

i struggle with understanding why my friends think im a good person, why they love me, or why they don't think I'm a horrible person. i feel a lot of shame around who I am, where I come from, and the lies I've told. i feel like I have so many reasons to feel horrible and I feel like others should think I'm horrible too.

i know there's something positive to take from this but I'll add that on later.

you could tell yourself that you are allowed to choose a healthy alternative to your self-destructive behavior. For instance, you could turn to alcohol when you’re in pain, but you’re also allowed to call your friend for support.

the important thing for my to remember is that I'm allowed to rely on people. i can't consistently rely on most of the people around me because I don't feel understood or safe around them. i feel like if i don't have someone to ground me, i spiral. i can ground myself at times but then i still get scared. i get scared so easily unfortunately.

my friends have told me it's okay to reach out and rely on them. it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to talk to them, it's okay. i never really feel safe around my family though. i feel so disgusting around them. they say they're happy to be part of these things but it feels so gross every time. i don't want to be around them.

i wanna feel safe... i wish this one friend could feel safe around me but with this kind of behaviour and this mindset, I get why she can't. i understand why.

i wanna find some healthier coping mechanisms that work in the moment, things that can help me slow down when I can't rely on others.. I'd like to not be so dependent.

If avoiding self-destruction is intensely difficult, try waiting 30 minutes to engage in the behavior instead of acting on the impulse right away.

I've tried this, I think I just need to dedicate myself to it. especially when I feel myself having doubts that end up being true...

Overcoming self-destructive behavior is not an overnight process. Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness is essential as you work toward healthier coping skills. When you’ve relied on self-destructive actions to numb your pain for so long, you likely feel some degree of mental, emotional, or physical addiction to the behaviors.

I always expect to heal overnight, I expect to fuck up once then never do it again.. I never expect kindness or forgiveness, i scare myself into acting how I think I "should" and then inevitably end up shaming myself into acting a certain way.

this is really hard. i feel horrible but I'm trying to improve, I just hate hurting people over and over like this. im tired of disappointing people. I've been tired of this. it's so hard being consistent. it's hard but I'm trying. I've stopped caring if people notice or if they care, this isn't about them at this point. it's for me and, inevitably, the people I love. i can't keep shaming myself and running away.

I should bring this up to my therapist. this can be something she helps me with. i want to stop focusing on the past and putting so much energy into feeling bad or being angry about what's already happened. I want to heal, I want to do better.

i want to love people without deeply wounding them. i know the hurt and the mistakes are inevitable, we're only human after all and love is a complicated thing, but I want to love them anyway.

I want to love and I want to be good. I want to feel whole and safe.

saturday march 4th 2023 2030

[nikoruistyping]

Tony Stark x Fem!Reader, married couple trying to conceive a baby. Tony is dying to be a father e he really wants to put a baby inside his wife's belly 🥵

We need more smut and fluff with this man and your writing is fucking amazing, girl

The Relaxing Shower || Tony Stark

Tony Stark x Wife!Fem!reader

Summary: After yet another failed attempt at trying to conceive for a baby with your husband Tony, he makes one last suggestion that involves you, him and a very hot shower together...

TW: Small bit of Fluff, Just a Small Sprinkle of Angst, Lots of Smut, Adult Language/Swearing, Dirty Talk, Kissing/Making Out, Fingering (Kinda), Vanilla Vaginal/Shower Sex, Praise Kink (Kinda?), Nudity, Playful Banter/Jokes, Established Relationship, Aftercare, Mention of Failed Conception, Mention of IVF Treatment, Talking about Pregnancy Tests (Failed ones T_T)

Word Count: 2,900

A/N: Thank you Anon for the request! I really enjoyed writing this and hopefully you like it! This took me two days to write and edit for some odd reason because idk why but I got a bit too involved with the whole plot line of this request XD also side note is that THERE IS NO BREEDING KINK IN THIS! I personally am not a fan of the kink but to each their own I just wanted yall to have a heads up that this fic is safe to read if your uncomfy with that specific kink because so am I!

This was already the third test this month you were taking and now it was just time to wait. Having to wait three painful minutes to see the results of probably yet again another negative test. You and Tony have been trying to conceive for quite some time now but every time was sadly a failed attempt in getting pregnant. There was nothing wrong with you or him at all, if anything you both were healthy and also a very sexually active married couple. For some reason, the timing was never right or you would miss your ovulation window by a slim chance. You were starting to slowly give up on the dream of creating a family with him and you wondered if this was the universe's way of telling you that maybe having kids just wasn't for you.

You sat on the toilet seat cover, your leg bouncing uncontrollably, waiting and waiting, drumming your fingers against your thigh. You couldn't stop staring at that evil pink line staring back at you, laughing at your face. You tried looking away to distract yourself but all you could seem to do was just become more anxious by the minute and hope that today would be the day that two pink lines would appear instead of a measly one.

You heard the timer on your phone beeping and going off, you quickly scrambled to grab the test off the bathroom counter and when you looked at that single line your face fell completely flat. Negative. You dragged yourself out of the bathroom with the test in hand and you made your way over to the living room where you saw Tony studying, moving pieces of the hologram he was working on back and forth, reading and studying some of the new technology for his suit. He quickly popped out of his seat on the sofa when he saw you walk in and his steps got quicker walking over to you flicking off his reading glasses.

"So what was the result of the evil pee stick?" He said with a chuckle trying his best to always lighten up the mood with his playful demeanor.

"Negative...again." You said with a sigh, holding up the test for him to see. You buried your head in his chest as yet again you were at your limit and defeated because of how tired you were of always being let down.

"Oh, sweetheart I'm sorry...I really am," He said to you hugging you close, his hand cradling your head close to his chest and just embracing you.

"We are going to keep on trying, I promise. I don't care how long it takes we are going to have a baby," He raked his fingers through your hair trying to calm you down when you started to sob into his chest and that just made him want to hold you closer.

"You know we can still explore our options. I've been reading up on IVF and the results look promising-" He was cut off mid-sentence when you pulled your head away, looking up at him, your arms wrapping around his torso.

"I'm just tired, Tony...I know there are other options but I really wanted us to have this baby ourselves without any help and I don't think I can go through another disappointment even with help." Your voice was on the edge of breaking because of how sad and hard it was just to get pregnant. How was it that so many people it was so easy and for you, it was such a difficult process?

"Don't worry sweetheart, we are going to get through this together. I have a feeling that soon we will get there. Rome wasn't built in a day remember?" His hands went to cup your face as he looked deep into your sad eyes knowing that this was hard for him but even harder on you.

"How did I get so lucky to have you in my life, Tony?" You questioned trying to crack a smile to show him everything was fine.

"Now that I don't have an answer for but what I do have an answer for is that I know exactly what will cheer you up." He said grabbing your hand and leading you in the direction of the bathroom once again.

"Tony what are you even talking about-" You finally got the idea when you both were in the bathroom and you looked towards the very large and luxurious shower that was big enough to fit probably a whole party of people in.

"A shower?" You questioned, your eyebrow-raising at him as he turned around to face you, holding your hands.

"Yes, we are going to save some water. The water bill was extremely high last month." He said with a chuckle, a small smirk following it as he started to already unbutton his dress shirt but you had stopped his fingers halfway, taking over unbuttoning the rest for him and helping him shimmy it off his shoulders.

"Is that your subtle way of inviting me to join you?" You asked, your hands placing themselves on the nape of his neck while they slowly slid down his now naked torso, your fingers dipping into his collarbones, tracing over his pecks and ghosting over his abs as your hands found themselves on his hips.

"Call it whatever you want sweetheart but I guarantee you will feel so much better after a relaxing shower with yours truly." A smirk grew across his lips while his hands found your waist, his fingers teasing at the bottom of your shirt until he was able to pull it over your head and fling it into the laundry basket.

"That's definitely an invitation I can't turn down then." You bit your lip in response as your fingers started to tease with his belt buckle, unbuckling it as you pulled down his pants for him and he kicked them off to the side.

Before he could reach to take your pants off for you, you backed away teasing him, slowly undoing your pants yourself. He continued to stripe himself of his socks and boxer briefs while you flung your bra and panties into the laundry hamper and you looked over your shoulder to see him already entering the shower and putting on the water to heat it up. You tried covering as much of your body as you could with your arms crossing your body and keeping your legs as closed as possible. For some reason even though you had both seen each other completely butt naked before you always wanted it to still be tasteful and somewhat of a reveal when he saw you completely naked.

You slowly entered the shower and made sure to slide the glass door closed. You saw Tony's back facing you, the water falling over his body and dripping down his skin. You came up behind him, your arms wrapping around his torso, your hands placing themselves on his chest and you pressed your naked body up against his, breasts pushing into his back. Water now was falling over both of you and your hair was slicked back as it flowed down your shoulders.

"Hey there Mr. Stark." You managed to whisper into his ear and the minute he heard your voice he turned around to face you.

"Hello there Mrs. Stark," His voice was low and whispered as the space between you both was only closing the closer you got.

"Ladies first..." He trailed off grabbing the shampoo bottle off the shelf and squirted some into the palm of his hand and his fingers slowly raked through your hair, working their magic while slowly massaged your scalp. You hummed happily in response as the feeling felt so relaxing and therapeutic.

His hands rinsed out the soap suds while your hands had instinctively placed themselves on his hips making sure he stayed close to you. His touch was so caring and gentle with you, he had you in the palm of his hands (literally). He reached for the body wash and started with your neck, massaging the knots that seemed to be stuck in between your neck and shoulders traveling down to your collar bone. A stray moan escaped your lips as he traveled down further, both his hands cupping your breasts unexpectedly and sliding over your torso until he reached your hips. His grip seemed to have gotten harder as he kept on going, pressing lightly into your thighs, squeezing the flesh there. Tony took you by surprise by grabbing and turning you around quickly and starting again at the top, hands going down your back, tracing patterns into your shoulder blades and ghosting down your spine. His hands landed on your ass and squeezed rather harshly as he seemed to be kneading it softly. His hands went back to your hips and he suddenly pulled you closer to him, your ass was right up against his hips and the both of you were now underneath the showerhead, water rinsing you off.

"Are you starting to feel more relaxed now?" He asked leaning in closer and whispering in your ear from behind. 

You could feel him flutter kisses on your shoulder, his hands gliding along your hipbone, teasing you as they traveled towards the direction of your inner thigh but then pulling away when he was close to your heat, your legs were clenching up at the dirty thoughts building up at what he could do with those skillful fingers of his.

"I think...I-I'm far from relaxed right now..." Your voice could barely get out, you were already crumbling by his touch.

"Really? I wonder why? How about you tell me, sweetheart." He said while his hands made their way back up to your breasts, cupping them from behind and his thumb flicking over your nipple which made you bite your lip in response to hold in a moan.

"Ah...Tony I-" Was all you could manage to say as you felt him press up against your body harder, taking a few steps forward until your front was flushed against the shower tiles, your hands going up to press against the wall to keep your balance.

"I can't help you sweetheart if you don't tell me what you need." His breath seemed to be hotter than the water and steam in the shower. He continued to whisper to you and your head was flushed against the shower tiles, your neck turned completely to the side so you could see him in your peripheral vision.

"Please...I want you..." You managed to say and you could already feel his hard cock teasing you from behind, the head slipping and sliding through your folds. You were desperate to just have him be inside you, your hips grinding on him rolling back.

"Fuck-" You heard him curse under his breath.

He wasted no time thrusting into you, a moan escaping your lips as you took his whole length. You gripped onto the shower wall for dear life, keeping your neck turned wanting to watch as he fucked you, moving slowly in and out. He leaned in closer kissing your lips hungrily and he tried steadying the both of you with his hands on your hip making sure to keep the rhythm going as he thrusted hard and faster into you. His other hand made its way down slowly to your front, sliding down your thigh and going to rub your clit which drove you completely over the edge. Your lips kept crashing against his while the both of you tried to move and kiss at the same time, grunted moans escaping both of your lips as you felt him pound into you.

His kisses were ravenous and you could feel your legs go weak but his hands held you steady and close to him the faster he went. Long strokes of his tongue against yours, teeth catching your lips in bites, groans, and moans caught in one another's mouths and swallowed up as the water cascaded over both your bodies. Your loud moans echoed against the shower walls as his groans got louder between the gasps of air you both took for air.

"I'm so close..." He managed to whisper into your ear, his teeth grazing your earlobe nibbling at the sensitive skin and his kisses made their way down your neck burying his nose into the small space, leaving open-mouthed kisses there and on your shoulder blade.

You managed to keep one hand on the tiles keeping yourself steady while your other hand reached down for you to rub your own clit faster, feeling everything go numb, feeling his cock twitch inside you after he had kept pounding your g-spot over and over again. The both of you moaned almost in sync as his thrusts got sloppier and your hips seemed to lose control until everything came to a slow stop. The two of you clearly having reached your highs at the same time. You were completely dazed, still pressed up against the tiles, letting the water fall over your body for a moment while Tony pulled out of you. His arms immediately embracing you, the feeling of being surrounded by him was warm and loving, his lips kissing your neck and cheek softly.

"Clearly both you and I have very different ideas of what relaxing is." You said with a small chuckle as you found the strength to turn around in his arms to face him. Your hands cupped his face while water was pouring all over his head.

"Well did it work though? I'm still waiting for an answer." He questioned raising an eyebrow at you.

"I'll let you know next time," You said with a smirk on your face quickly kissing his lips, pecking them.

"But right now we need to hurry up or else we will turn into prunes at this rate. Your turn now." You reached over to grab the shampoo bottle and squirted some into your palm as he lazily had his arms around your torso keeping you close.

"Fine...let's be quick then." He sighed, your fingers plunging into his hair, raking and slowly massaging his head and you knew how much he loved having his hair pulled and touched so you made sure to take extra care of it.

You had done the same thing he had to your body, making sure to have your fingers run across every inch of his skin, washing him down. You even tried working your magic by massaging the knots in his shoulders and pressing against every single muscle, your nails tracing along his veins. You could feel his hands clench your body tighter the lower your hands ventured down his body but despite his demeanor of wanting to continue the funny business in the shower all you kept whispering to him was "Let's save it for next time." and all he did in response was sigh in annoyance. Even though he seemed to be the one in control he always did what you told him to do anyways. You both rinsed off in the water until you were fully cleaned and well "relaxed" according to Tony's definition of the word...

One Week Later...

Back to square one again and maybe fourth time would be the charm this time around. There you were sitting on the toilet again a place you had ultimately started to hate when it came to taking pregnancy tests. You kept staring at what seemed like the pink line of death and you tried to wait patiently this time and you were hoping that maybe just maybe there was a small chance that this would be the one.

The timer had finally gone off and you had closed your eyes picking up the test and slowly you opened your eyes to see that it was...Positive! You couldn't contain your excitement at all and you literally screamed at the top of your lungs as you saw finally two lines on the test and you were just jumping with joy. You had caused such a commotion that Tony came running into the bathroom and his eyes wandered to the test in your hand and he clearly connected two and two together. Your head whipped around to look at him and your eyes were filled with happy tears as you just looked at him and nodded your head.

"Tony...it's positive!" You said while you ran into his arms and hugged him so tightly that you both even stumbled back a few steps.

"So I'm really going to be a dad?!" He asked his voice almost cracking at the thought that it was really happening, you both had tried so hard all this time and now you were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

"Yes! I can't believe it! I'll have to go to the doctor to confirm it but I don't even care. I'm just so happy right now!" You said quickly, your heart was racing knowing that you finally were pregnant after so long of trying it happened.

Turns out that "Relaxing Shower" of Tony's really did work its own little miracle enough to finally get you pregnant just like the two had been wanting and hoping for so long.

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[shortking-saeran]

A Gift [Ray x gn!Reader]

Word count: 684

Summary: Lil dribble about a stressed out Ray wanting to show reader his appreciation °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

a/n: If you got any requests let me know, this was such a great exercise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun had barely creeped over the dense tree line that framed the compound when Ray entered the garden. Morning dew had fallen over the beautiful flowers like a thin vail making it twinkle in the shy morning rays. 'It would only take a minute' he consoled himself his hands slick with sweat and shaking ever so slightly. His pale eyes filled with exhaustion from being overworked and pushing away sleep as he fought endlessly with that bothersome redhead. Ray had been glued to his computer screen for days and it pained him to know he hadn't gotten to see you in so long.

You were the reason he could still go on without food or breaks because he wanted to secure a future with you. His savior told him that this fight will be long but worth it in the end and he truly believed her, he had to believe her. The thought of you pulled his worn face into a meek smile. He would do anything for you including stepping away from his tireless fight, just for a moment, so he can pick the perfect flower to give you.

A worry had crossed into his mind while he was hacking and he tried to push those thoughts away cursing them, cursing his tired mind to waste times on such foolish thoughts but it grounded itself into his heart until it ached. "Y/n has forgotten all about you" the nasty thoughts had said, "y/n realized how useless you are, how pathetic you are" He growled and hissed trying to silence them but it became too much and he had to see you but he didn't want to show up empty handed, he needed a gift. 

Ray's nimble fingers ran over the damp gentle petals his mind running over the various meanings of the flowers. "Forgiveness? No, no Purity? Innocence?" He bite down on his chapped lips thinking of what to bring you, what would be the perfect gift to show that his heart aches for you, that before all else you are everything to him.

That's when it came to him, the perfect flower to present to you.

There was a knock at your door. It was still so early in the morning you knew it couldn't be the strange cloaked men who brought you meals. It had been days since you had seen Ray and when you messaged him in the app he always seemed....anxious, it worried you.

"Y/n?" The shaky voice on the other side of the door sounded weak but familiar and you quickly rushed to open it. Ray stood there dark bags under his eyes, his soft white hair a mess, and his cheeks looked so hollow.

"It's a honeysuckle I wanted to bring you something special to show you that I care deeply for you" You take the flower in hand and pulled Ray into a tight hug. 

"I-I'm sorry, I hope I didn't wake you. I need- I mean wanted to see you" his eyes soften taking in the sight of you. You looked well, you looked healthy Ray let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He felt emotion swirl in his heart not realizing just how much me missed you. His cheeks felt like they were burning up.

"Ray!" You gasped and hearing his name on your lips, your kind, caring lips was all it took to break him. Tears fell down his cheeks, he felt so relieved to see you. He held something out to you; a beautiful yellow flower with thin wispy petals that coiled and spun into itself.

"This is all for our paradise"

 "You don't need to bring me anything" you whisper to him, "but please take care of yourself, for me" Ray hugged you back tighter melting in the warmth that you gave him so freely. He savored that moment, it only lasted a moment because it had to, he had to go back to that room so that he can secure a future for you.

"Soon we will have to worry about nothing but each other, we will have our happiness" Ray nuzzled deeply in your neck.

[missmentelle]

How do I know if I'm burnt out and what are signs of being burnt out? In relation to both university and work?

Unfortunately, burnout is a very common problem among both university students and people in high-stress jobs. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “burnout” is effectively where people reach a breaking point after being in a high-stress occupation (like a demanding academic program or a high-pressure career) for too long. Being “burnt out” is not an official diagnosis, and you won’t find it in the ICD-11 or the DSM-V. But it’s something that an increasing number of people are experiencing every year.

Not everyone is at equal risk of experiencing burnout - many students and workers never really deal with this. Factors that put you at high risk of burnout include:

Having poor work-life balance. If you spend huge portions of your time working - working through weekends, doing tons of overtime, working late, not taking vacation, working through lunch - you are at high risk of burnout. Humans need rest, relaxation, hobbies and time with friends, and when you sacrifice those things for work, it will eventually take a toll.

Having very little control over your day-to-day tasks. No one has perfect control over their daily work tasks - not even the self-employed - but having some element of control is important. If you have a say in things like when to schedule meetings, when to book client appointments and which task you are going to work on when, you have a lower risk of burnout than someone whose tasks tend to just be dictated to them. 

Having perfectionist traits or holding yourself to very high standards. People who experience burnout tend to be overachievers. They constantly try to go above and beyond because they put immense pressure on themselves to do their best work at all times. If you’re the kind of person who beats yourself up over getting an A- instead of an A and makes a point to be the last one out of the office every day, you are at risk of burnout. 

Having a dysfunctional work or school environment. Is your workplace plagued with bullies and office gossip? Do your lab members take pleasure in ripping each other’s research and writing to shreds, without really being constructive about it? Does your boss take their bad moods out on the rest of the office, even when you haven’t done anything wrong? A dysfunctional workplace creates burned-out employees.

Having unclear instructions or directions. It is extremely difficult to be in a work environment where you are expected to do be productive, but you aren’t given clear expectations, a clear list of tasks or instructions for how those tasks should actually be performed. It leaves you constantly feeling like your work isn’t good enough and isn’t done properly, without actually giving you a route to improve; you often end up working twice as hard to get half as much done, which is a recipe for burnout. 

Working in a helping profession. Nurses, social workers, therapists, paramedics, psychologists, caregivers and caseworkers have some of the highest burnout rates of any profession. These jobs often combine long hours and low pay with incredibly stressful work environments, and burnout is a huge problem. 

Burnout is more than just feeling tired or bored of what you do. It’s a state of complete and total exhaustion. Putting more energy into your job isn’t possible when you reach that point - you have nothing left to give. “Burnout” isn’t an official diagnosis, but it is a fitting description - trying to push through burnout is like trying to re-light a candle that has already burned all the way down to the bottom. It’s just not going to happen. 

Some signs that you’ve reached the point of burnout include:

Your performance is suffering. You can’t keep going full steam ahead when you’re running on fumes. When you’re burnt out, your work performance will one of the first things that starts to slip - you may find that you are missing deadlines, forgetting things, half-assing tasks and making careless mistakes.  

You constantly feel drained. Burnout is a perpetual state of exhaustion. You’ll start to feel like you just don’t have the energy to do everything that you’re supposed to do. You’ll find that you feel tired all the time, regardless of your sleeping habits, and that just forcing yourself to do the bare minimum leaves you feeling totally depleted and unable to do much else. 

You feel disconnected and cynical toward your work. Even if you once enjoyed your work or felt passionate about it, when you’re burnt out, you become disillusioned with what you do. You may find that you’re cynical about your work, or just so apathetic that you can’t bring yourself to care about it anymore, even when you accomplish things that once mattered to you. 

You can’t concentrate. Burnout can make it difficult - if not impossible - for even the most dedicated person to focus on their tasks. You might find that you spend a lot of time just sitting in front of your computer, unable to even start tasks because you can’t focus well enough to begin something. 

You have become irritable and short-tempered. People who are burnt out have a tendency to become impatient with the people around them. When you’re running on empty, you have no energy left for social interactions. You might find that you’re snapping at coworkers or getting visibly frustrated with clients if you work in a helping profession. 

You feel anxious. Burnout is often accompanied by feelings of indistinct dread that you just can’t seem to shake. The fear and anxiety is often tied to work, and can be completely overwhelming. 

You can’t sleep. Ironically, people with burnout often have a hard time sleeping. Their minds race all night, and they find that they cannot settle down or get comfortable enough to drift off. If you can sleep, you may find that you are only able to sleep in short bursts and cannot sleep through a full night. 

Your eating habits have changed. Some people experiencing burnout find that they lose their appetites. Others find that they begin to comfort themselves with food. Significant changes in appetite and food intake can signal a serious problem. 

You feel physically ill. Being under high amounts of stress for long periods of time can destroy your health - you might find that you have a lot of symptoms with no direct physical cause, like headaches, stomach pain, nausea and body aches. You might also find that you get sick more often and get more infections as the stress wears down your immune system. 

You feel like you have to drag yourself through the day. Even if you once enjoyed your job or your school, you might start to feel like even showing up is a huge chore, and dread having to go in. You might find that it takes all of your energy to even make it through the front door each day. 

The good news is that burnout is not a permanent state; there are things you can do to recover. However, recovering from burnout is not necessarily easy - this is not something you can quick-fix with a self-help book, and you may need to make significant lifestyle changes. Some things you can do to fix or prevent burnout include:

Set firm boundaries. If possible, stop taking work home. Stop signing up for extra shifts and overtime every time it’s available. Don’t volunteer to organize every single office party and baby shower. Stop answering work emails after 5pm. Don’t check your email on the weekends. Don’t respond to emails on vacation. Set firm boundaries between “work time” and “me time” - especially if you work from home, where it’s easier for work and life to bleed together. 

Use every minute of your paid time off. A lot of people just don’t use up all their PTO every year because they’re worried they’re letting the company down by taking vacation. Stop that. If you have vacation days, use them. Use your sick time too - if you don’t get sick that often, use them as mental health days. If you’re a student, ask professors for extensions when you’re sick - more and more professors are getting on board with cutting students some slack for life events. 

Unplug from productivity culture. Our culture has a pathological obsession with productivity, and it’s killing us. We consume books and blogs and podcasts about how to squeeze as much productivity out of ourselves as possible. It has to stop. Unsubscribe from this kind of content. You don’t need to put more pressure on yourself to optimize and monetize every second of your day - it’s not healthy. 

Seek support. Talk to a therapist, a doctor or a friend. Get professional help or just find people you can vent to. Try to form friendships with some of your coworkers or fellow students, especially if you work in the helping professions - they know better than anyone what you are going through. 

Prioritize your physical health. When you neglect your physical health, you are more likely to burn out - you run out of fuel faster when you have less in the tank to begin with. Prioritize eating healthy meals and getting all the nutrients you need. Make a habit of exercising. Practice good sleep hygiene and try to improve your sleep. 

Talk to your supervisor, advisor or boss. Are there things about your specific work or school environment that could be improved for you? Could you be transferred to a new team? Do your roles and responsibilities need to be clarified so you know exactly what is expected of you? Do you need additional training to do your job well? Are you dealing with harassment that could be reported to HR? See what can be fixed. 

Consider a change. Sometimes you just need a change of pace after a while. Many social workers, for instance, eventually leave the profession - a lot of people simply have a lifetime limit on how long they can do that kind of work before they need to switch to something that doesn’t involve human horror every day. If burnout is a consistent problem, it might be time to think about taking a leave of absence, changing to a different role, or switching careers altogether. 

Hope this answers your question! MM

[slow-motion-picture]

002 - when keeping it real goes wrong

key terms~

futile devices: words. (s/o to sufjan stevens for this one.)

miss or miss: the opposite of "hit or miss"; when everything is staticky and not-quite-right. wrongness (the "miss" of it) comes into view through the sheer number of failures, rather than being illuminated by the presence of success. see also: "words." see also: "conversational car crash."

or--is genuine communication possible between human beings or are we doomed to run into other people's pain points and defense mechanisms (to say nothing of our own!) over and over until we croak?!?

hello again~

i was originally coming on here to complain! it was going to be the usual pill of "why do i feel so misunderst00d? why doesn't anyone listen to m333?? why do i feel so anxious, yet disconnected in most of my relationships??"

lest, my spelling give the wrong impression, i am genuinely concerned with the answers to these questions. this post, however, wants to be about something else: how words fail us.

yesterday, i had a negative interaction with a person i used to have a crush on. to be fair to them, being demoted from "object of adoration" to "mere mortal" is tough: everyone, no matter how sweet, looks worse without devotion's fuzzy wuzzy roseglow. more proof that other people's perceptions of us have as much to with them as with us.

anyway. things were just... weird. the sweetness that attracted me to them in the first place had seemingly evaporated, now replaced with a bottomless well of negativity and cynicism. my friend and i tried to move the conversation away from the spiralling, with limited success.

problem one: how do you affirm someone's emotional experience without feeding the fire?

after explaining the energy i'd experienced to another friend, i received (what i perceived as) a disinterested response. it seemed that what i had done to former crush (FC lol) was being done to me. wanting people to validate personal emotions and experiences, even though intellectually, i know they can't, only to be shut down. terrible.

problem two: how many of my conversations are about a) commiseration or b) over-analyzing someone else's behavior?

i'm realizing how often graduate school is a breeding ground for unproductive conversations. much of the bonding we participate in comes about through shared grievances, rather than shared joys. we don't have enough time to nurture our hobbies or do any meaningful soul-searching, which means that when we get together, we're often talking about how tired/miserable we are.

(conversely, many times when i've said i was happy and grounded, i discovered shortly thereafter that i was neither happy nor grounded.)

in the theatre community esp, there's so much codependency and enmeshment masquerading as healthy concern and communication. as i've become more and more aware of my attachment patterns, i find myself curious about how these dynamics play out on a social level. and, this can't be said enough: gossip is toxic! which is unfortunate because theatre culture thrives on gossip. who's been fired, which theaters are closing, who's hiring, and so on.

maybe it's cheesy, but word are spells! and for people who (allegedly) understand the power of language and performance, it's wild to see us creating a toxic energy cloud with... our words! wtf.

at this point, my goal for the year is to stop performing my personality and to just... say less.

to validate my own feelings and ideas, instead of expecting other people to do it for me.

[theskygivesmelife]

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.