#I'm the adult there if anyone's going to be able to regulate their emotions it should be me

[terresdebrume]

Sometimes I find myself thinking back on my first stint of work as a camp supervisor for summer camp geared towards autistic and psychotic kids when I was 21 and just like. Hoping M. is doing fine. I'm sad that I didn't have the experience then that I have now because the way I handled conflict with him was not great, and I wish I'd thought to apologize for it in the brief time we saw each other afterwards

[aspd-culture]

Do you know at what point ASPD is unlikely to reverse in minors (like 17 or 16 but I know 18 is necessary for diagnosis) or if a certain amount of symptoms is unlikely to reduce enough to not be ASPD anymore?

I've heard the 18+ thing is necessary because ASPD can be reduced/reversed before 18 but I'm not sure if it consistently includes 16/17 as ones who can also be reduced if they meet the criteria.

I'm just turning 17 next month and trying to get therapy is difficult because of my provider so I'm worried my ASPD traits are irreversible already (mostly because of how much I experience them, which is relatively a lot compared to prosocials)

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

Plain text below the cut:

So the younger you are, the easier this is, but realistically I wouldn't be surprised if it has wiggle room even going over that 18 year range - which is somewhat arbitrary and is not built with the actual ages of impulsivity and emotional regulation in mind as far as I can tell. It's just that ASPD can only be diagnosed in adulthood, and in the US which is the book I'm reading out of, you're an adult at 18. I don't think it's a hard and fast rule bc the wording is "cannot be diagnosed until 18" not "should be diagnosed if these symptoms persist past 18". It's basically saying that you can't diagnose anyone under that age with it bc it could just be normal teenage behavior.

The things that can reverse the set in of ASPD symptoms are all based in adequate support and ability to heal, so the freshness of the events leading to ASPD would also be important to consider. You're less likely to be able to be helped to recover from this to where it's not diagnosable (meaning you don't have it bc you genuinely do not under any definition fit the criteria - this is what ppl mean when they say with their antidepressants, they're no longer considered diagnosable with depression and are therefore considered successfully treated) if you've spent longer in survival mode. What the support needed to avoid ASPD is based on is getting you out of survival mode in time for your brain to socially develop properly. As the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25, my unprofessional behind would not be surprised if you could, in theory, be given enough respite that you can avoid ASPD for a couple years after that 18 starting line for diagnosis. And the less time you were in survival mode without adequate support to remove you from it, the lower chance antisocial traits would develop in the first place.

It is absolutely worth an attempt if you're able to start trying to get that support, but try to do it outside of the mindset of running from ASPD, bc that will ruin your brain's ability to focus on healing. In the meantime while you're getting that therapy to process, you can also be supplementing your therapy with researching and attempting to understand social cues and dances and all of that. If you're getting help and you're researching this, then even if you do end up having ASPD you'll have done a good amount of the heavy lifting to learn to best cope with it and have more typical relationships and social interactions with those around you.

No matter what, you have all the time in the world to heal to a very significant degree bc ASPD does respond to professional help to mitigate some of it's symptoms, so please don't let turning 18 discourage you from getting help. With or without ASPD, you deserve to heal from whatever trauma you've dealt with.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them). 

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication. 

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date. 

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work. 

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things. 

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more. 

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

Got quite bugged by the lack of a more nuanced take on Astarion intelligence. This ended up quite long so I'm putting it under line

Won't get medical into the "less wrinkled brain" narrative comment, which can be offensive, I've seen some complain about it, I don’t have the medical expertise and it's not necessary because, while maybe not an excuse, it was used figuratively. Astarion is not the smartest person in the room but also not the dumbest, which makes sense and I'll get to that in a moment. I've seen the jokes though, and there is a big difference between being less wrinkled and having the brain as smooth as a chicken breast. I have not laughed.

About the stats, I think it reflects his current state but not the limits of his intellectual capacities. If anyone more knowledgeable in dnd inner workings can correct me in this, feel free to do so.

What I can say is that intelligence is the ability to solve complex problems, to learn and adapt and make better decisions, and there is nothing to suggest Astarion doesn't possess this ability, quite the contrary, he learns and adapts relatively fast when allowed to do so. The brain is like a muscle that needs to be trained, and unfortunately, he couldn't do that much in the last 200 years. Trauma also messes with the brain and many of its abilities. It can physically change the brain and the mechanisms used for learning and survival [x]. Not to dig into details as it's beside the point here but "trauma significantly impacts our ability to learn, to form memories, to regulate emotions, it can affect our ability to be calm, to learn, to think, to reflect and to respond flexibly and in a planned way" [x]. It should be no surprise that Astarion has difficulties in doing a number of these, if not all.

Before jumping at me like I'm trying to use the trauma in defense of his intelligence, I am not saying he was some brilliant mind before. He was probably a bit above average, with a privileged access to higher education. We can't know anything for sure because we were never given anything on the magistrate elf (not to assess intelligence anyway), but whatever his starting point was, it got affected under Cazador. We only have the current Astarion and some observations during our game travels.

So, while I don't think he was ever the brightest, he is far from being dumb. The lower intelligence stats in the game make perfect sense for someone like him, as he is now. He was killed as a young adult, he was controlled body and mind for 2 centuries, stuck following orders, and in survival mode. He didn't get, and wasn't allowed to think for himself, to grow, to learn, to develop his skills to their potential! Including thinking skills! Moreover, he was told and made to feel incapable, worthless. Cazador likes to remind that quite often. Of course he isn't adept at thinking things through, making complex plans, figure out things that would be more obvious to others, and so on... like when it comes to relationship experience, because he didn't had to think or do anything more complex than seduce someone for a night and carry them to Cazador, for a very very long time. The routine and ingrained mindset, the "chains" so strong, he kept doing them out of inertia for a while even after the tadpole-gained-freedom. It took him a while to even realize he can just stop doing it now, like slowly waking up and regaining senses, and control over his body. It's great writing there, sensitive, thoughtful, realistic writing. It would be quite weird if he knew any better, and that would have to reflect into higher stats. And I would like to point out that he learns and adjusts himself from now on with increasing pace, going hand in hand with recovery. (Going into how this affects Ascended Astarion who, I argue, rejects recovery, would be interesting but maybe another time).

On the other hand, the skills that helped him do what Cazador asked for, are very very honed. I still remember his lines, not being able to even put a name on another type of relationship "You are not a victim, not a target, not another night it's better to forget. But then...what in the world could you be?" (Might be paraphrasing a bit but the point stands). It's not for lack of intelligence that he fails to do that, and it's not for lack of intelligence that he fails to do many other things.

Basically, I am saying is that he was never the smartest, but he is not dumb, he was made a bit dumber/ kept for a long time, by trauma and circumstance, from getting smarter, kept from reaching whatever his potential was, and that if allowed to regain his freedom and recover, he still has the ability to reach whatever his potential is. Things we can witness him doing, gradually. And that his stats or the comments on his intelligence in the game reflect his current situation and not his limits.

[rose-riot-johnson]

Hello my Tumblr Peeps👋😃I decided to write about another character from Fairy Tail and the staring character is non other than, Midnight/Macbeth, considering he will be the 2nd character from Fairy Tail I will be writing about, as the star character🖤And also, I decided to have this fanfic, where he opens up to the reader, just as well so it may take some paragraphs before Midnight/Macbeth, so I don't make the whole fanfic about the reader😅

*Note: This fanfic may contain 1 or more long paragraphs😅

🖤Why Did You Rescue Someone Like Me?🖤((Adult) Midnight/Macbeth x Any Gender Reader)

Genres: Angst (Warning⚠️: Mentions of abuse and death)

You used to feel like you had no purpose. Everyday was a toxic routine to the point you weren't sure, if any of your family members were going to get on your case about anything or get on eachother's case about anything or possibly both. It's also to the point where you considered your good days as the days that no arguments happened, regardless if a family member surprisingly doesn't have an argument with you nor another family member.

You even felt the only way you could even feel like you have any freedom was to go outside, especially going to walk around inside your village. You just felt you could find nowhere else to live in, which was why you felt obligated to deal with a toxic environment that you have been dealing with for as many years as you had. You truly feel there was no hope for this everyday cycle of a routine to end.

One day, you went outside of your house to walk around your village, after you mom had an argument with one of your brothers, because you know if you stayed inside the house, than you did, you wouldn't be able to keep yourself sane and would have an impossible time regulating your emotions. Once you walked inside of your village, something different happened, than all of the other times you went inside of your village. There was a voice that said, "Hey person... Is there anything you need?", as you then turned around to see it turned out to a man who's wearing a brown and white fur coat, which he appeared to have red eyes, black hair on the top, and straight, white hair on the bottom.

When you first saw the man you were frightened of him, at first considering he was the first person who has ever talked to you, besides your family members. The man noticed that you were timid, as he then said, "Don't be frightened... I noticed you're stressed... My name is Macbeth... If you want, you can call me Midnight...", as he tried reaching his hand out to you. You were repulsed by the man trying to be nice to you, as you angrily replied, "My parents told me to not talk to anyone... Especially strangers! They told me to only talk to family!".

Midnight/Macbeth then realized, your parents taught you to try keeping yourself away from people, as much as possible. So, he figured out on a way to approach you, as he said, "I take it your parents taught you to stay in your shell? Am I correct? I may not know you nor have I been in your shoes, however I can sense you lived your life in fear and out of feeling obligated to deal with a stressful environment... I only want to see about helping you with getting freedom, if that's what you want... I can sense you never felt free... However, you didn't seem interested, so I'm walking away now...". As he started to walk away from you, you then shouted, "Wait! Mr. Midnight! You said you wanted to help me get freedom, right?".

Midnight/Macbeth, then turned around as he replied, "Ofcourse, I do... I know what's it like to not have freedom... Maybe I felt the lack of freedom differently, than you are feeling, however I do know what it's like to have no freedom and a stressful environment... So, if you want my help to get freedom, then you better tell me now!". You knew he was right about everything he said, as you said, "It's not just wanting freedom... I need freedom, very desperately, Midnight! I'm dealing with an everyday toxic environment for my everyday routine! My family will argue with eachother or with me and I thought a good day for me was when no arguments happened... I mostly take walks inside this village, whenever I feel the need to get away from everything and to keep myself sane... I just felt so obligated to deal with this toxic cycle, as I have no where else to live in... I just felt trapped... So, if you truly feel you can help me get my freedom, tell me what I must do?". Midnight/Macbeth, then suggested to you, "Well then, later tonight, I suggest you try escaping from the house you're living in then... Pack your stuff right away when you get the chance after you're back home, then when you finish packing quickly, you should hurry up and get out of there... After you leave tonight you better be meeting me at that village again, because when the next morning comes and the sun rises again, I will be leaving this village... This will be your only opportunity you have right now! So, what's it going to be?".

You knew Midnight/Macbeth was right about about his suggestion, as you then replied, "Okay, Midnight! I will do, as you suggested, then... I'm tired of dealing with the life I have been living in, for all those years! I will met you at the village, later tonight, then! By the way... My name is, (Any Gender Reader Name)! Nice to meet you and we will be meeting eachother again later tonight and at the same village we're in right now!". He then smiled, as he then said, "Nice meeting you too, (Any Gender Reader)... And later tonight it is, then...", before you proceeded to leave the village to walk back home.

Hours later, when the sun came down and the moon started rising, once your whole family was asleep, you took everything you packed up with you and left the house, as fast and quietly, as possible. After you left, you then met up with Midnight/Macbeth at the same village that you have met him in earlier that day. He then smiled due to the fact he's impressed that you met up with him, as soon as you did, as he said, "Well you met up with me earlier than I expected... I'm impressed... Now let's get going... While we're on our way to where my guild is, we can talk about anything you want or even when you have any questions you would like for me to answer... We should get going before the sun rises... We wouldn't want to keep my guild waiting much longer...". As he was leaving the village, you then followed him in the direction he was going.

As you were walking with him on your way to his guild, you have been thinking about the conversation you had with him earlier that day, especially when you first met him for the first time ever, so you decided you want to know him better and try to understand him more. You then started the conversation, as you said, "Listen, Midnight... I apologize for being mean to you, when you first started to talk to me, when we met for the the first ever, earlier today... I was frightened earlier today, because I guess I was used to only my own family talking to me and I should have realized you wanted to help me... I shouldn't have reacted horribly to you like I did and I realized what my family trying to teach me to only talk to family, was really toxic... I should have atleast tried to understand you more.. Anyways, thanks for helping me get out of that situation...".

Midnight/Macbeth was surprised you told him everything that you told him, as he replied, "You're welcome, (Any Gender Reader Name)... And you don't have to be sorry about your reaction earlier, so you're fine... I'm sure other people would have reacted the similar way, as you did, if not exactly the same way... I figured I'd help you anyway possible in a patient manner... So, there's no need to apologize...". You then asked him, "Anyways, out of curiosity, if you don't mind me asking, why did you want to help someone like me anyways? Have you been in a similar situation, as I was or do you have other intentions?". He was shocked you asked him this, so he decided to confess his reason, as he then answered, "You see, (Any Gender Reader Name)... It's because I was abused and used... when I was a child I was Jellah's slave... Like many children, I went through alot of hell under his reign of terror... He won't ever let's me sleep without his permission... And when the day came when I thought I was free, the man who was my foster father, Brain selected a select few children to join a guild, including my friend Erik and I... I thought everything was going great and I thought Brain was a great man... I never thought he would betray the guild nor betray me... Once Brain got everything he wanted, he deserted everyone else in the guild, including myself... I eventually realized that he was using me and the rest of the guild, as if we were his puppets... Let's just say, I'm glad he's dead now... Brain deserved the death he got for what he did to me and the rest of the guild... Don't get me wrong, he took myself and few others in the guild, so I don't have to deal with Jellah's reign of terror, any longer, it's just I never thought Brain would the one betray us... Even the thought of it, still stings me... So eversince then, I only trust the other guild members, especially Erik... I just have an impossible time trusting anyone else... So, take note at the fact that you're the first one I had ever truly trusted, aside from Erik and the other guild members, since Brain's betrayal...".

You were shocked that Midnight/Macbeth answered you the way he did. You then asked, "Well, why did you trust me in first sight, even after this "Brain" guy betrayed you and why are you having me meet your guild?". Midnight/Macbeth, then replied, "Well, if I didn't trust you right away, I wouldn't have been, so concerned about you nor offered you to come with me nor have you meet the rest of the guild! Infact I wouldn't have rescued you, if I didn't trust you right away! I don't have all the answers of why I trusted you right away! All I know is my instinct, is a big part of why I trusted you immediately! My instinct tells me to see about understanding you and finding answers of why you were timid... With trust, we're just similar with trusting very few people... Even tough we're not in eachother's shoes, we're still more alike than you think!". After all of the answers he could give you to the best of his knowledge, you began to understand why he wanted to help you and why he put his trust in you right away, despite of what Brain did to him and the rest of his guild. You thought he was pittying you the whole time when he first met you, when really it was trust, instinct, possible (unexpected) bonding, and out of the kindness of his heart, being the reasons on why he rescued you to begin with.

Once you and Midnight/Macbeth made it to the location of where his guild is, he then introduced you to everyone in his guild, including Erik. The rest of his guild were surprisingly happy to met you and knew there must be a reason why he took you into his guild. Infact, Erik was just excited just, as well Midnight/Macbeth was, that you were about to become a new member of the guild.

As time went by, you started getting used to the fact that you're a member of Midnight/Macbeth's guild now. Weeks went by, as you feel like not only you're not only part of his guild, however you also feel like, as if they're like a family to you. The whole guild feels like you're like family to them, as well. Eversince you joined his guild, you knew you will live a life with no regrets and become a happier person with lots of freedom, while Midnight/Macbeth knew that aside from the other members of his guild, you're the most trustworthy person for his guild and actually will treat him (and the rest of his guild) like a family and a group of true friends, eversince then.

The End

I do hope you enjoyed this fanfic with Midnight/Macbeth in it my Tumblr Peeps😃👍I do hope I did write about Midnight/Macbeth well and the angst genre for this fanfic😅I do plan to write a more angsty Midnight/Macbeth fanfic, and I do plan on write differently next time I do write a fanfic with him in it🖤😃👍And @stygianoir I definitely hope you enjoyed this fanfic😁👍Hopefully I did write about him and the angst for this fanfic well😅I promise the next angst fanfic I write about him will be different🖤😃👍

[iamblueraspberry]

(Vent Post) Things I Should Be Able To Do But For Some Reason/Various Reasons I Can't Do Them And It Makes Me Feel Like My Existence Is A Burden And That I'm Failing Everyone By Just Being Around

Keep my room clean

Eat healthily/keep myself fed

Personal hygiene

Have/keep a proper sleep schedule

Help people when they ask, even if I don't want to do it

Be on time for Things

Get up in the morning

Hydrate

Have a healthy discussion about hard topics without things turning into an argument

Chores

Spend time with people

Not hide inside my room and rarely come out

Get rid of things I don't use or need

Keep things organized

Remember events, important details, tasks, etc.

Do My dishes

Exercise

Go outside

Hold still when asked

Volume control

Make phone calls

Remember to schedule appointments

Take my meds on a regular schedule

Be reliable

Not procrastinate

Laundry

Change my sheets

Save money

Stop picking my skin/acne

Keep myself grounded

Take care of myself/Basic Self Care

Not blame myself for everything

Keep trips to the bathroom short

Stop crying/Only cry for short periods of time

Regulate my emotions

Trust people

Not make assumptions about people based on little information

Stay in touch with people

Cleaning the bathroom/toilet

Solve my own problems/Look for solutions

Plan for the future

And I'm sure there's more but I can't think of anything else rn but my brain is insisting there is more things wrong with me

Not worry about things outside of my control

Act like an adult

Act like a human

If anyone has questions/wants to know more about anything here/wants to talk about stuff, please ask. I need to talk about this but I'm scared.

[quietthelions]

I think the most painful thing I've been through is learning just how much my parents have always hated me

I don't have any emotional regulation and when I have a meltdown cause guess what I'm autistic my mother hates me for it. I trigger her. she who watches body cam videos all day long. I have to listen to people scream at cops to stop hurting them. all day. every day. me. a rape victim. who still dreams and yearns. for their rapist.

my dad doesn't talk to me about anything important. I just get facebook reels. my dad bought me a car a couple years ago when my grandpa died. the alternator went bad. she bought one off ebay and it didn't work. she did nothing. she refuses to even entertain the conversation about it. it's been at least a year and a half since my car ran for more than a few minutes. my boyfriend's little brother is fixing it for me. because we can't afford anything. Britton works 5 nights a week making airbags for 16 an hour and he sees maybe $40 of it. because my mom asks for the rest.

my best friend is just tired of me. I know it. all I can do is complain about my mother while he urges me to fix it. I can't. I can't fix it. I can't come over to get away. her car is the only one that works. I can't afford the extra gas. I can't afford the public transit ride. I can't let him see this. I've already lost her. a long time ago. I lost them both. because I just. wouldn't walk away until it was too late. and they got tired of waiting.

I don't blame anyone for being sick of me. all I do is whine and get angry. all I do is break things. I broke my last playstation controller yesterday. I broke my mod this morning. we don't have the money to replace those. but they were the things I used to cope. I don't have anything else. I don't know how to do anything else to cope. weed, video games, nicotine, hitting myself, throwing shit, punching shit. anger anger anger. myself. my parents. shaynee. my apartment. my car. my life. my brain. my brothers. my sisters. myself. myself. myself.

I don't want to be this person anymore. with these people as the ones who raised me. and they hate who they raised. I can't be anything else. you made me. you made me. you raised me and didn't teach me compassion for myself. there's just anger. and then you're upset because I'm angry. because there's nothing else inside of me but rage. clawing screaming blue hot rage.

I'm so scared I'll be like this forever. Britton wants to have babies. how can I do that. I have no compassion or patience with myself. how can I have that for a baby. a child. how I can teach them what I don't know. how do I learn. I need to learn but I don't know how. I don't know how to repair this relationship with myself when there never was one. how do I build a healthy relationship with myself. how do I forgive myself for everything that I've done. for everything I've put myself and my family and friends through. how do I build a safe place for myself within myself when I've betrayed myself in every way I can think of.

my emotions are so big these days. I can't handle them. I can't handle anything. I don't know how to carry them. and this anger that rules everything. it burns under my skin and twitches through my muscles. I have to get it out and I don't know how to in a way that's good. for me. for my mom. for Britton. I claw my skin open on a weekly basis.

I want to not be me so badly but I don't think I can be anything else. who else am I able to be if not. me. this person who was never whole to begin with. this person. who's just. angry. the scapegoat.

I'm not a good person. I know everyone thinks I am but I'm mean and selfish and things need to go my way or I just. don't react well. I'm bad at being a good friend. a good child. a good adult. I don't think I'm capable of anything good. I'm not particularly good at anything. I'm not artistic or creative or strong or agile or fit. I've always had no patience for myself to learn any kind of skill.

this post is pointless and it's just becoming more and more obvious that I am pointless. I'll never do anything good with my life. I'll always just be mean and angry and ugly and spiteful and hateful.

[angelican-sadness]

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

This is just a reflection on my relationship as a woman to my emotionally immature mother using this book and it is so incredible to have a piece of literature that makes me feel less alone and reflect on where the negative feelings I have had throughout my life came from.

Chapter 1: How Emotionally Immature Parents Affect Their Adult Children's Lives

They were never a safe space to run to thus creating feelings of isolation, loneliness, and feeling like nobody else is like you. I felt like I never had anyone to talk to about what I was feeling, so I ran to journaling on here. Most my posts are negative on this platform because I had to get those feelings out to keep my sanity. I didn't know that the feelings of loneliness led to the suicidal thoughts in my teen and early adult years. As a child, you don't understand why you feel these things and you just think it's normal. As an adult, you see others have a good relationship with their moms since she was a safe space for them. That was never the case for me. I had to learn how to comprehend my emotions on my own which led to being different from a lot of people and not knowing how to regulate my thoughts. Kids from emotionally immature parents are always trying to show others that nothing is wrong, they are willing to help others at any given moment to distract people from thinking things are worse than they seem, and grow up fast to be independent but still feel lonely at their core. They have sex and make sure to have the freedom of an adult as teens, end up getting into relationships with emotionally immature people when they're young, marry the wrong person quickly, and stay in shitty jobs as a teen/young adult because they grew up too fast and had to settle. As a teen/young adult, you feel guilty for not being happy and I did. This chapter mentions that no matter how much you do for your parent, they will still say "you don't do anything for me and you don't love me." As an adult, you can present yourself well by having a good job but still have underlying anxiety and thoughts of being lonely and unsupported thus minimizing your achievements to others. I feel called out lol. Chapter 1 describes me exactly.

Chapter 2: Recognizing the Emotionally Immature Parent

Describes my mom perfectly and how I had to walk on eggshells around her explosive unregulated emotions my whole life. "If she's in a bad mood, I stay away. If she's in a good mood, I can talk to her." "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" mentality. Expressing your joy/sadness for something but it gets minimized because she's more joyful or more sad about what she's doing teaches you to not be able to express emotions. Must be why I can't cry even when I'm really sad. I just blankly stare. The parent will overreact so frequently that over time, you just learn to tune them out in order to gain control of your own emotions. They have a lot of contradictory emotions and sometimes come off as emotionally strong to others, but their kids see the truth. Emotions are black and white to them and they can't ever see any gray areas (aka closed minded to new ideas or thoughts outside of their own). They only become nurturing when the child is sick and they need to be nursed back to health. Must be why my siblings were always sick. They were craving love and that's really sad. Children of these parents can become imaginative and intellectual at a young age and as teens start to self reflect. Emotionally immature people don't have the ability to self reflect and since they are at the mercy of their emotions, they don't have the same intellect as an emotionally mature person and refuse to try to educate themselves on psychology and emotional regulation. A story in this chapter mentioned a man who thought phone conversations were mundane and unstimulating and it was because she talked about what was going on at that exact moment like what he was doing and what the weather was like or just talked about herself. The conversations never had any substance. I remember dreading answering the phone when my mom would call because it would be such a long phone call of repetitive conversation, mostly about her. Sometimes I'd even set my phone down on the counter at a distance and just let her ramble while saying the occasional "mhm" and "yeah that's cool" sayings and then sometimes I'd feel guilty for not caring about the conversation because she's my mom and I should care right?

Chapter 3: How It Feels to Have a Relationship With an Emotionally Immature Parent

You may have tried to find a way to connect only to feel invisible and unheard time and time again. "She thinks we are so close, but for me, it's not a satisfying relationship. It makes me crazy when she tells people that I am her best friend." I have said this before and so have many others mentioned in this book. Communication feels one sided and they want everyone to be interested only in what they are talking about. If other people are getting more attention, they find ways to bring the attention back to themselves. "My mother is only interested in herself. She only wants to know what I'm doing so she can brag to her friends." One example of this for me is, I went to college for an associates in Architectural Engineering and got a good job drawing blueprints with AutoCAD while I was in that program. She was telling everyone I was an Architect. Anyone who know anything about this field knows how long it takes to actually become an Architect. It would never be straight out of a 2 year program and when I stepped in to correct her, she would be disappointed or try to overshadow what I said by being louder and say "oh I thought you were an architect". "I feel so guilty for the amount of anger I have when I'm around her." I never feel happy in her presence. Always anger or emptiness. Kids will internalize their anger and turn it back on themselves thus making them depressed and have suicidal feelings. If there is a rift in the relationship, the only way to keep it going is by ignoring the problem and continuing on as if nothing ever happened since the parent doesn't have the ability to self reflect nor do they want to hear what they did wrong. They think they are so perfect, they can do no wrong. They respond to even mild criticism of their behavior with things like "well I guess I must be the worst mother ever." The parent gets highly upset if their child doesn't act the way they want them to. They see roles as sacred and you must comply. They are your authority figure so you must obey them. This is called role entitlement meaning they can overstep boundaries because they are the mother so anything they say goes. Then there is role coercion meaning bullying the kids into being who you want them to be by ignoring their needs, punishing them, or getting other family members to gang up on them. My mom does this by having her best friend's family and her brothers gang up on my brother. I think she didn't do this to me because I fit the role she wanted me to be in as a kid. Drink with her, pretend we are best friends, be compliant when spending the night at her best friend's house, go to every family event, overlook the bad parts. I was her perfect friend until I started reflecting. She hated my sister for never wanting to spend the night and always told her to suck it up so she could stay and drink. My dad would go home with her and my mom hated him for that. Emotionally immature people are disconnected from time. I have many examples of her bringing things up from 15 years ago to make them relevant to the present day issues. She thinks the issues are all the same no matter when it happened.

Chapter 4: Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

I chose what describes my mom from this chapter.

Emotional - She has explosive emotions on purpose for the household to soothe her. She threatens suicide often and then disappears making the kids forget their own needs to figure out what to do. These people often have narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Substance abuse makes them more unbalanced. They present themselves as being a helpless victim. Fluctuating moods make them unreliable and intimidating and makes the household walk on eggshells around them, but they are good at controlling themselves outside of the family to present themselves as having a structured role.

Driven - presenting themselves to others as being so focused on their child's successes that you wouldn't notice anything unhealthy about them.

Passive & Rejective - she didn't really fit these 2.

Chapter 5: How Different Children React to Emotionally Immature Parenting

I'm taking what I believe are traits that I have from this chapter.

Externalizers - being impulsive and taking action without thinking. Depending on external soothing which makes them prone to substance abuse, addictive relationships, and other immediate forms of gratification.

Internalizers - suffering in silence and presenting themselves as being just fine so their peers never know that they needed help. Relationship example: internalizers like to problem solve by discussing with their partner why they are unhappy but if they are not listened to or dismissed, their needs are not met and they have an externalizer approach by having an affair to get their need met outside of their relationship. Internalizers also externalize by abusing substances. This resonates with me because I spoke up about my emotional needs being un-met in my marriage for quite some time while simultaneously abusing substances. At this time, it was just alcohol and weed and I was feeling very lonely and sad. I ended up drinking with another guy and spent the weekend with him. A week later, my ex-husband and I had tickets to a concert a few hours away, so we went together and stayed in that city. He tried initiating sex with me and I just couldn't do it after doing what I did. On the drive home, I asked him for a divorce. We never talked about the cheating but there's no way he couldn't have known. It didn't seem like I was sorry because I still hung out with the guy during our separation, but I am truly sorry. Looking back, I realize how fucked up that was and I hate myself for doing that to someone else especially knowing how it feels to be cheated on. Shortly after, I moved back home and began abusing cocaine and alcohol. I also did molly and psychedelics during this time. I look back at these actions and think about how awful I acted and I'm doing everything in my power to change for the better. I would never do that again and I live with the guilt everyday that I shattered someone's heart for my own personal benefit and how wrong that is when I could have just left. I became cocky and arrogant during my time abusing drugs. I had a hoe phase during this time and it added to my insane ego trip. I wasn't able to truly reflect while my mind was being numbed and my vision blurred. I'm thankful I got clean. Like the saying goes: hurt people, hurt people. Back then, I was hurt and that is not an excuse for how I acted and treated others but it is a reason for it. Now, I'm trying to heal so I can treat people with respect and carefully think before taking any action. I do not want to be an externalizer.

Chapter 6: What it's Like to Be an Internalizer

Traits of an internalizer: sensitive, notice other people's emotions, and notice everything around them. Strong emotions but they don't act out their emotions immediately so their feelings have a chance to intensify while held inside where as externalizers act out their emotions before being able to internalize them. Internalizers know that there is strength in being independent. They make meaningful emotional connections outside of the family and similar emotional connections through pets. They may feel emotionally nurtured as they resonate with the beauty of nature, art, and spirituality. They are apologetic about needing help and downplay their suffering.

Chapter 7: Breaking Down and Awakening

Your true self gets hidden by being minimized through childhood. The more you learn, the more your true self pushes its way out and helps you step out of your role-self and helps you become a more positive and confident person. Emotional distress can be positive. Once you're exhausted of pretending to be your role-self for so long, your true self fights its way through and causes panic and the need to get help to be happy. You start to question what your authority figure told you was right and figure out that they were actually wrong. Anger could be a positive emotion once you reflect on why you are angry instead of dismissing it as "everything irritates me so I must be broken." No, that anger is coming from somewhere and can be accepted. While playing your role-self, some people ignore the need for rest even when they're sick to stay in that role because they believe they have to help and fix everything no matter what and end up ignoring their own needs. They over-do things trying to be perfect in their hobbies. I used to tell people I never knew how to relax. I didn't know it was stemming from not feeling safe as a child. You learn to ignore your strengths and not acknowledge them. It takes work and a lot of time to see the good in yourself.

Chapter 8: How to Avoid Getting Hooked by an Emotionally Immature Parent

Forget the fantasy that they will change and learn how to show yourself love. In adulthood, the child will learn healthy communication skills and be hopeful that applying them will help the relationship with the parent grow only to be disappointed by it not working. You have to find a way forward without seeking emotional intimacy with your parent. Processing what happened to you is more important than what actually happened to you. Emotionally immature parents don't do the work to process their own trauma thus creating issues in thinking that what they went through will always trump what you go through. It'll always be a competition. The parent typically cares about superficial surface level relationships more than deep emotional connection. My mom does this by caring more about what her Facebook followers think of her than actually developing a good relationship with us. I think having us not be part of her life puts a damper on how people view her societally and that's why she doesn't like the distance. It has nothing to do with us actually being friends. Emotionally immature parents prefer an enmeshed relationship because they like over stepping boundaries. In an enmeshed family, they will go talk to another family member about you instead of directly talking to you. My mom talks so much shit about me and my siblings to her family and friends. It's unbelievable. She's constantly trying to prove that we are the bad guys. Meditation and teaching your brain to detach emotionally your parent is how you gain control over emotions regarding your parent. You'll come at the relationship with an observational attitude. Also, observe your own emotions and if they become too intense, find a way to distance yourself from the interaction and do something that brings you peace. Focus on the outcome of each interaction, not the relationship.

This book helped me look back on where my negative emotions were coming from and taught me how to criticize myself a lot less. I can't control if other people change or not, but I can control how I react to things and how I can change in my own ways. There are a lot of posts on this tumblr account about how sad and down I was feeling from my teen years into adulthood. Healing is not linear, so I cannot say those posts will never be made again, but I can confidently say now that overall, I'm doing very well. I successfully quit doing cocaine a couple years ago and stopped smoking nicotine. At most, I'll have occasional drinks and maybe a molly night once a year where I ask to hit a vape or two lol, but I can confidently say that I'm not addicted to anything anymore and not using these substances to numb the pain any longer. It's just been recreational and for social fun. I've been able to see clearly and regulate how I'm feeling better than ever before. I have a great exercise routine. Those natural endorphins are amazing. I've developed a love for being alive. This may have to do with keeping a huge distance from my mom and if that's the case, I'm so glad I can be happy without her. I hope one day to fully go no contact so both of us can move on. Journaling and reading has been so therapeutic <3

[bluemoonperegrine]

This is so well-put.

Look, I've been through some shit. I'm well into middle age and have learned a few things. I have more to learn as I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Gonna ramble about things I've learned that made a big difference in my life.

Most people are doing the best they can to meet their own needs. Sometimes this is nice and neat and something you want to emulate. Sometimes it's a dumpster fire. It's a matter of resources, past experiences, and if they're able to regulate their emotions more often than not.

Parents can't teach what they don't know. If a person from a dysfunctional family has kids, they have their work cut out for them to not perpetuate the dysfunction. It can be done. There's a wide range of "good enough" when it comes to parenting. Change is possible.

People don't change until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same. This applies to everyone. When it comes to drugs and alcohol, this is called "hitting bottom."

My stuff/your stuff. Once you're an adult, you are responsible for your own stuff (life, choices, etc) and no one else's. This doesn't mean being an island and not caring about anyone else. It means recognizing that you can't make other competent adults do anything. You can make suggestions and offer help, but there are limits. There need to be limits. The other person can accept your help or suggestions or not. It's their choice. They might choose poorly in your opinion, but that's their stuff. You'll have feelings about it. That's your stuff. Don't act out your stuff by being a rescuer or launching a crusade against an abuser.

Boundaries are something you do. You cannot make people respect your boundaries. Healthy people generally respect clearly stated or acted boundaries. For example, say a person is texting or calling you a lot. It's too much; you want less contact but to stay friends. If you ask them politely and, if possible, give them a path forward (i.e. "Hey, I'm happy to talk, but not after 7 p.m.") they may or may not accept that boundary gracefully. Pushback could be complaining about the boundary or simply ignoring it. Where to go from there? Options: 1) Restate the boundary. 2) Don't answer the phone after 7 p.m. If it escalates further, you've got a situation on your hands. Further options: 1) Set the ringtone for the person to "none". 2) Block them temporarily. You don't have to put up with pushy, shitty behavior from people. You have agency.

By maintaining your own boundaries, adjusting them as necessary, and doing your best to not behave shittily yourself, you're helping the people in your life. Some people don't understand the concept of boundaries. They need to learn it. If you model healthy, flexible boundaries, you're helping them learn. There may be hurt feelings and some drama, but they'll learn... or not. You hope they learn.

It's better to have boundaries and take care of yourself than immediately label a person an abuser or narcissist or whatever and othering them. This does not apply to people who are actively harming you. I'm talking about the huge middle ground here.

I can't think of a pithy way to wrap this up so, uh, try to be kind and hang in there. It's tough.

Definitely seems like "abusers are ontologically evil and irredeemable; also the only way to be 100% sure you aren't abusing anybody is to make yourself massively vulnerable to abuse yourself [e.g. by deferring to whatever someone with the right identity categories says, without questioning it]" is the ambient cultural message right now. Bad!

[thepresentdayandtense]

I have always struggled with keeping people in my life. I didn't have the proper tools for emotional regulation. I was bullied really badly when I was younger and that leaked into my young adult and adult life. my home life sucked too. to keep it simple, I was a mess. I wish things were different for me. I find myself wondering if I had been raised differently how much more peaceful my life would be. that maybe if I got the help I needed or the medicine I needed that I would have lived a much more peaceful life. that I would be normal. confident. I just didn't have it in this life. and as much as I've tried, and believe me I've tried, I just think it may be too late. no matter how much I try to suppress the neurotic and sensitive part of me, it always perserveres. always leaks out. I am better now however. I think dropping people who were dragging me down helped a lot. I still find myself taking things personal though. and being overly forgiving. idk where this was going. I meant to write about Sama. and it's crazy to think we were only together for 2, then slightly another 2, then slightly but less another 2. and now it is over and done. no more 2s, no more half open doors, it's completely closed.

being cruel to someone who isn't even here anymore. not fighting fire with fire. just lighting it on fire when it is already burned. there's nothing to light. but it will burn.

I mourned you, Samy, for so long. I think a part of me still mourns. I don't think anyone will understand how much I mourned. and it was full mourning. It was one of the biggest losses of my life. and to know that I loved something so much, for so long, and now we are both cruel. hurts. the love we had was dark and painful. but for some reason I loved with wide hopeful eyes. but then I got dark and painful too.

I couldn't sleep in my room when we broke up. I am not sure why. I physically couldn't. I love knowing the why to everything - figuring out the science and logic behind it. rationalizing it. but I couldn't really figure out why I couldn't be in my room. all I knew was that everytime I went in there I winced. and stood in one place for long periods of time just staring. I could only really be there during the day time, it was the only time I could handle it. and as I type this I am reminded of a similar situation of my old house in portside. I believed there was a jinn haunting my room and it got so bad that I would be scared to even be in there at night. I could only have the courage to go during the day. I guess it felt like you were haunting it too, in a way.

I was finally able to move back into my room one night after talking to you on the phone. I think this was about a week later. but I could sense you just wanted to move on. I wasn't able to sleep for months. I woke up in a panic a lot with my heart palpitating. I would wake up with a hole in my chest every morning. I could just feel you missing. I had to face a lot of physical anxiety and I'm surprised my body didn't just give out. but I guess it did a lot of times, as there were days where I just couldn't do it. God I was so sad. but then things started getting better, the hole slowly went away. but yet you still took up so much space in my heart.

but that was the problem. you took up so much space in my heart and it wasn't reciprocated. you only loved me when I was leaving you. only loved me when we went long periods without talking. only loved me when you missed me. there's a saying that goes

"you can love someone so much, but you'll never love someone as much as you miss them."

and I feel like that was your love for me. the guilt of yourself was keeping your love for me alive. that isn't love.. that is bargaining. you don't have to bargain anymore. I don't have to forgive you to move on. we can end on bad terms and still move on with our lives with peace. we have to. no more guilt and shame. if that's the only reason you liked me, I don't want it. love isn't supposed to run on guilt. you're not supposed to feel like you owe me something. love is supposed to be free flowing and natural. not something you exchange lessened guilt for.

and maybe you were fond of our memories, and the sad thought that those memories will never happen again. but you were never truly fond of me. me as a person. you found me neurotic, annoying, insecure. you always felt you could do better. but you loved me in your own way. I think. I still am not sure, and I wish I was.

I wish we had a simple love. a love where I know you loved me, it just didn't work out. but instead I got unrequited love. it would make it easier on my heart to think, yes you loved me, but we didn't work out. but that's not the Truth. the Truth is your Love for me maybe wasn't real. but I don't like to say that or think it. because that's a disrespect to your Love. and who am I to say your love wasn't real when you know how you love. it's more nuanced and I shouldn't generalize. I wonder if our Love(s) for eachother ever got sad when they saw us fight. It's funny to me to think that our Loves are separate entities sometimes looking at us and rolling their eyes at each other when we fight. does that make sense ? I know that's stupid lol.

I know you have let go. I know you are looking for someone who is good enough for you. to you, I wasn't. but I am good enough. and I hate that I let a boy with his own issues make me feel this way. I can't remember the last time I cried as hard as I did the night you threw my lost friendships in my face. It was so premeditated that comment. a long paragraph reminding me of my failures. a long paragraph written to hurt me. and it did. I have lived my life second guessing if I was being too sensitive about those people I let go of. and I had finally come to a place where I felt good about cutting those ties that were holding me back. cutting those ties that were making me feel awful about myself. and then I had the person I loved, who I considered a friend, bringing me right back to second guessing myself. to thinking I am the problem, I am the failure, I deserve to be let go of. no matter how much I vented to you about this, no matter how much you knew it hurt me, you threw it in my face. so easily. its funny, how something a person takes 2 minutes to type can just ruin the other persons world in that moment. I read "and while I'm here, ima be even more disrespectful back since you're disrespectful" (paraphrasing) my heart dropped because I had no idea what was coming next, just that I knew it would hurt. and it did. my eyes were practically swollen shut in the morning from crying so much. you don't deserve forgiveness. in any aspect.

you were hurt, so you went the lowest you possibly could go. I hope you feel good about yourself. I hope you get all the girls you ever wanted, and not have to keep leaning on your dumb ex you don't even like to make yourself feel better. you tried so hard to make me hate you, and it worked. good job, you got what you wanted.

[ssstardust3001]

Personal log:

My sore arm is doing pretty well, though my fingertips are tingly, like pins and needles. My grip strength is also not as it was, but is still better than most humans. I think the bullet injured a major nerve in my arm and it hasn't been properly healed without scarring. It's just another thing to deal with though.

Sometimes I remember that it's a wonder that I survived childhood...I would have died if I needed major surgery or a blood transfusion or had gotten sick and my physiology would've react to the illness in a way a human's wouldn't...Now that I think about it, my childhood was pretty fucked up.

Mom left me, doctors were untrained in Vulcan medicine -apparently my internal structure and biology is closer to theirs than to human biology, never trained to use any of my "exceptional" psi abilities which probably is why I have chronic migraines, emotional regulation was out of wack which led to fights in my youth and adulthood...and my nervous breakdown.

I remember as a kid they'd diagnose me with all sorts of things and give me medicine that would just make me feel foggy and wrong, and I'd be told to suck it up until I got sicker.

You know, I wonder if I've suffered any rights violations on account of my dad being the way he is, very human-centric. I was never human enough for him, guess that's why I'm fucked up. [He chuckles then sighs.] I always had to adjust for them, for his crew. They'd never adjust for me.

I never told anyone this, but this is my personal log, so what the hell. When I was a kid, I broke my pinky finger, left hand. Felt like I couldn't tell anyone even though it hurt really bad. I knew that my dad would have yelled at me, shamed me, so I just kinda dealt with it. Anyway, it's crooked now. I was told they'd have to re-break it to fix it, and I'd rather not if it still functions. Plus it's not noticeable unless I have my fingers pressed together. It was broken near the knuckle, and goes out at a slight angle.

Hell, it's pretty fucked up that when I had top surgery they admitted that they scheduled it out further than normal because they needed time to study and get blood for me because my blood type isn't so common, and human blood would kill me. Yaaay.

I wonder if I would have fared any better had my mom taken me with her. Physically, oh yeah, I'd be much better off. I don't think I would have emotionally, but I'd be better at controlling myself. I was bullied as a child, sometimes horribly, usually emotionally but sometimes physically, and due to my physical appearance and how I was always expected to "remain proper and stoic" even by the adults even though I was never fucking taught how. Ugh...It's very frustrating to remember these things. It infuriates me. I'm glad I was taken out of school where I'd be around other children.

Still....My ability to be social has suffered. I don't quite know how to approach people. I didn't really have friends, even in the academy where it was a mix of adults. No one quite knew how to deal with me since I looked one way, but behaved in unpredictable ways. Even now, I don't have many social connections, even amongst my colleagues.

Still, I'm good at what I do. Being Chief of Security, engineering, science, my own education? Yeah, I excel! I was very high up in my class, top in my post graduate doctoral programs, even after....the breakdown. My father won't let me live that down. Sure I'm a commander, but he still treats me like a lower officer who is also unstable. He very rarely sends me out to do any sort of missions, where before, he sent me on plenty.

I'd applied for a transfer, listing all my reasons as to why as professionally as I could with audio and video evidence to hopefully expedite it without getting my father more involved than he has to be. I just don't care where I go. I have two Ph.D's, I'm a Commander, I have experience as a Chief of Security where I was able to show strong leadership skills, and engineering experience under my belt. My Masters thesis in engineering had become required reading at the Academy! Hell, even if I was still an ensign, anywhere would be better. I just hope they don't need to find a replacement before they can transfer me because I know my father would drag that out as long as possible if he were in charge.

End Log before I get too mad for the day.

[jennyhamstercheeks]

2023 Introspect

○Damn I'm getting old.

○The more I witness Eula's personality, the more I wanna be like her. Kids are so innocent and unapologetic.

○I am still healing my inner child. It's a continuous learning experience.

○I realized that as a parent, I also have to learn to re-parent myself.

○the more people I meet, the more I appreciate what I have now

○the grass is not greener on the other side. There's probably no grass there either. The grass is green on my side because I always water it.

○Please. the above statement is a metaphor. I actually suck at keeping plants alive. I have to live with that.

○there's a certain grief in accepting that I will never be able to receive the love I require so I have to make sure I give it well to my daughter

○when there's no enemy within, the enemies outside can't hurt me. I have already accepted who I am and I love who I am now. Damn, that took me a long time to figure. Worth it.

○Completion is so much better than perfection.

○I can enjoy going out, I can enjoy my beers, I can work hard and still be a great mom to Eula.

○I don't think I have the space to pacify anyone's negativity or temper anymore. I genuinely tried though.

○I realized so many of us adults still need to learn how to regulate emotions. I am consciously trying to work on this everyday.

○there are no friends. Only moments of friendship. I gotta avoid people who push to pay my dinner. They start acting like they own me.

○I've learned to close my mouth this year and just nod. Discussion with reactive people is exhausting

○Explaining is exhausting

○I want to be around gentle and nurturing people this 2024

[sarahthevampyrslayer]

01.05.2023

I like to believe I've evolved in my emotional maturity. After everything I've experienced, after all the trauma I've been through, and still being here; that's honestly an accomplishment on its own for me. I'm able to regulate my emotions a lot better. I'm able to control my reactions and communicate my needs in a much healthier way now. I'm not perfect, but I am working every day to become the type of person I always imagined I'd be.

All that being said, it feels like I'm putting myself into an unhealthy situation by agreeing to get a place with my parents next month. I can't help but feel like this is going to be a big mistake in the long run. It took me 12 years and moving 350+ miles away for me to finally have a tolerable relationship with my parents. Like, we're not going to get family portraits done anytime soon, but we're definitely not where we were 12 years ago. The day before I moved out my father literally spent 2 hours yelling at me, shaming me, and blaming me for... whatever he could at the time. I didn't leave on the best terms. But being away from him, and only really talking to my mom and seeing my dad once a year (sometimes every other year) really did wonders for my mental health.

Going back to being under the same roof as he feels like I'm taking a million steps backwards. Like that progression I've made with working on my mental health is going to be lost when he starts putting the emotional regulation onto me. He already does this to my mom, and other people. He makes regulating his emotions everyone else's responsibility. It's always exhausting just existing in the same space as him because you're just waiting for him to throw a temper tantrum. And for me it feels even more exhausting because I'm waiting for his temper tantrum to be somehow my fault.

I feel like I'm always going to be in fight or flight mode once we all move into together. I feel like I'm going to be mentally drained at the end of each day trying to regulate his emotions and trying to defend my life choices. I'm about to be 32. I don't need to be fighting everyday with anyone about what I do with my time or money. I don't need to explain myself and decisions to someone every day. And I know how my father is, he will expect me to do this every day. He can't exist unless someone else is miserable. He's an asshole to literally everyone.

But we can't stay in our current place anymore. Not just because it is also mentally exhausting but it's physically killing us. It's unsafe for our health in every way possible. Living with my dad is just unsafe for my mental health. Though he was physically abusive growing up (I truly do not care how much my family tries to gaslight me into believing him hitting me was "normal" it was abusive!) but I'm a grown adult now. I'm not a scared child anymore. So, I don't really fear for my physical safety. However, mentally is another story.

I hope I'm wrong (I know I'm not though) and maybe he'll be different now (he's not) but based on all the experiences I had growing up, I've witness now as an adult, and what my mom has confided in me about I know he hasn't changed. I'm going to do my best to stay out of his way and maybe he'll stay out of mine. I have to remember that now is different. Now I have my partner with me. I have someone on my side who will always back me up. I have a safe place to come to at the end of the day.

Here's hoping that if this whole thing happens (like my mom desperately wants it too) that we're only with them for a few months until the dream apartment we really want becomes available. We're just holding out for that top floor studio apartment in the city. I swear we're going to be in that apartment before the summer!

[gamerbearmira]

(SA)

"And why on earth would you put so much stalk into sacrificial magic?! Yes that magic is powerful but it is finicky and doesn't play well with others!" Faragonda was reading her sons mother in law the riot act for putting so much stock in the candles magic and how she was behaving after Mirabel didn't get a 'gift'.

"Especially ritualistic sacrifice which it sounds like her husband did. Remember what happened twenty years ago with those two wizards?" Griffin asked from where she was sitting with her great godchildren, bouncing Mirabel on her lap and hugging the older two close.

"Oh God don't remind me! That was a mess and a half! Things like that are why amateurs with no training shouldn't mess with magic, especially powerful hardly studied magic! Why on earth did you just assume you knew what it was for anyways? You're no expert on magic and even if you were sacrificial magic is rarely attempted or studied due to the high probability of something going wrong!" Faragonda pinched the bridge of her nose and Griffin smirked.

"Not to mention how overworking their...gifts...can damage their magical cores...and given-"

"And are you trying to permanently cripple them or send them into an early grave?! Making them use their gifts so much for such little things or trying to manage gifts with no way of giving good regulation? How do you expect someone mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted to be able to heal anyone?! Healing magic is so precise and needs years of study for most to even attempt to heal a broken bone, and yet you're using it for papercuts and bruises?! Not to mention the weather control! If it's tied to her emotions then there would be no way to perfectly control it without great risk to her own emotional and mental and even physical health. And seeing the future is messy and a hassle and often leads to migraines and is unreliable due to ripples and changes. And then the little ones-!" Faragonda went off on a tirade for a good few minutes as she picked apart everything Alma was doing wrong and how it could hurt the adults and the grandkids of the family.

Griffin just watched amused from the sidelines and occasionally egged her old friend on.

"Aunt Griffin. You're not helping." Agustin said shaking his head at her but he was smiling.

"I'm a witch. We don't help. We create chaos." Griffin said cheerfully even as she bounced Mirabel and Camilo on her knees with ease. God it felt like not even yesterday she was doing this for a tiny Agustin while babysitting for her friends...and now she was doing it for Agustin's kids. Time passed by too fast.

"But...but the magic...and her door faded...she must have done something!" Alma said although she had shrunk down under the tirade from the older woman.

"Are you seriously trying to blame and gaslight a five year old?!?" Faragonda demanded and Griffin gave a small whistle.

"Wow even witches don't do something like that." Griffin said and Faragondas magic was almost visible around her as she glared at Alma.

"Of course your finicky jealous sacrificial magic didn't give her a 'gift'! Like I've been saying! It's finicky and jealous! So of course when it sensed her fairy magic it didn't want to give her extra!" Faragonda said and Mirabel sniffled.

"So...so I do have magic? I'm not broken?" Mirabels small voice asked hesitantly and Griffin had the girl off of her lap and in her arm pressing kisses to her hair immediately.

"Of course you aren't broken. You're perfect the way you are. Unfortunately you're a fairy, you'd make a fabulous witch...but I guess that can't be helped. But hey even if you were a witch or a fairy or even something else you'd be perfect just the way you are." Griffin was soothing the girl with a soft voice and tender reassuring smile.

The glare she shot at Alma though was pure molten rage.

"Your Aunt Griffin is right little one. You're perfect the way you are no matter what. The reason the candle didn't give you a gift is cause you take after my side of the family and got older, stronger magic instead." Faragonda said and she shot Griffin a look even as the two reassured the little girl while the family looked horrified at hearing her ask if she was broken.

"Griffin...do me a favor please? Take the children outside to play, maybe let them show you around the village." Faragonda asked making her oldest and closest friend nod her head slightly.

"As long as you make sure that hag gets what's coming to her. Witches to their core are inherently broken. But there's no God damn reason for a five year old to think she is."

"Consider that both done and a pleasure."

GE

GET HER FARAGONDA‼️‼️‼️

Not but like. We love her for doing that. Really had to go off there and explain to her that what she was doing is. Incredibly dangerous. Like even if you knew nothing about magic, I think it’s common sense not to stress someone’s magic like Alma did 💀💀 and Griffin egging her on….we love that, and we love Agustín for not stopping her <333 wait till Faragonda finds out Bruno dipped into the wall. Spinning.

Faragonda pulling up on Alma:

[gffa]

I approached the Jedi philosophy in a similar way. But not because of anger. Adhd and therefore emotional regulation issues as a kid/teen that was completely undiagnosed was a mess. I also didn’t fully get into Star Wars fandom until last year when I gave clone wars a shot because, hey, we have Disney plus and the only Star Wars thing I’ve seen that I’ve actually really liked was rebels is clone wars any good? So I actually didn’t even have fandom telling me that.

So… hearing Yoda tell Luke not to feel? It was like the adults around me telling me not to be emotional and that I needed to control the temper (aka my meltdowns; I rarely actually lashed out at anyone unless they didn’t give me a chance to calm down and continued to tell me I needed to do something) and yeah.

I enjoyed the prequels more because it seemed better and yet I never liked Anakin (in hindsight, it’s because he sometimes seems like my mom; gotta walk on eggshells because you’re never sure if this is going to set him off or not).

But also at the same time, while I never went full on Jedi bad/cult I definitely thought there were things they could’ve done better. Taught better how to dela with emotions; not suppress them. Because everything they said in the movies seemed like exactly the same things everyone around me told me to do, so I learned to suppress emotions. I suppressed emotions so deep down it took me years after being diagnosed with anxiety to actually recognize the feeling as anxiety.

I’m not exactly sure what changed my opinion on it but I just know now that as an adult who tries to be emotionally/mentally healthy while in a healthy relationship and raising two kids… the Jedi get it right.

Maybe how they teach it isn’t right for everyone; I find it hard to believe that some didn’t slip through the cracks at various points but that’s probably the cynic in me since I was the one who slipped through the cracks having been a near straight A student with a mom who had adhd. And I can, since I certainly misinterpreted what the Jedi said in the movies, can easily imagine a youngling getting it wrong and it not being recognized until teens or later. But that also would be a rarity, not the norm like I assumed as a kid.

So yeah, I did have to learn to let go as well. My feelings justified or not, were just so suppressed I’m still working through them, nine years after starting to take charge of my mental health properly after being diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. It’s freeing being able to let go, though trying to process them enough so the emotions stop coming back can be a pain.

First of all, I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that, it's a lot to unpack and while I'm really proud of you for coming around to being in a better place (for your sake, because I want you to be in a better place however you get there), because it's a hell of a lot of work and it's not easy, but you yourself are doing it. That's your victory and I'm proud of you. Your message was really heartfelt, thank you for sending it, I hope that I can give that same feeling back and be thoughtful in my response, if nothing else I am at least genuinely trying, I promise! 😂 So if I seem like I'm swinging it back around to my own experiences, it's not because I don't value everything you've said, but because I don't want to talk for other people or assume things about their deeply personal circumstances that aren't mine to comment on. So, I think all I can really do is gently reach out a fist for a fistbump, tell you that I'm proud of you for working on yourself, thank you for your words, and talk about my own experiences through my own lens. For me, I think a lot of what resonated with me and understanding the Jedi is that I've dealt with so much mental illness (and still do) that I once heard a doctor giving an interview and talking to someone who was struggling with similar issues that I had and explained that their brain was lying to them about so many of these negative thoughts and feelings and hopelessness they were feeling. And that just shot right through me. Because it was a moment of clarity like a light had been switched on in my head. Oh, that's why I have so much trouble understanding what my friends and family are trying to give me. That's why I have so much trouble believing there's hope when I get like this. That's why I feel like I can't do this, that it'll be like this forever, that nobody loves me, that I'm just a horrible burden to everyone, that they'd all be better off without me, that the entire world is gray and lifeless and will never change, that I believe these things, even when I know people aren't lying to me when they tell me it's not true. When I stopped to consider my situation as if a loved one were in it, would I judge them for the way they were feeling and struggling? Of course not! They're Going Thru It and it takes a toll. So why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the same consideration? Why can't I get over that thought? Oh, because my brain is fucking lying to me. All that bad brain chemistry makes it so that my brain fucking lies to me. And that also helped me understand that I wasn't always seeing other people or what they were saying clearly. That my feelings are incredibly real and important, you can't just sweep them aside because, oh, the other person didn't mean it that way! Those feelings don't just disappear, but they do take on new context and understanding but they still have to be acknowledged and let go. It helped me to understand what I was feeling, to understand that feeling something was valid and real and important but it didn't have to control me, and I was faced with a choice: Stay in those feelings of anger and hurt, often very valid feelings, where it was easier not to do the hard work OR let them go and be a little bit freer from all that weight. Those were my choices, I had to pick one. And the more I let shit go, the more I'm not so fucking all the time. It's a lifelong journey, I'm going to stumble sometimes, I'm going to have to pick myself back up, I'm going to lash out and have to make it up to people, but I am so much better than I used to be. All of this was something I had to figure out before I came back to Star Wars and the Jedi, so when I got further into the story and what the Jedi said/did, it started resonating so strongly with me. The Jedi really, really got it right for me. You're also absolutely right that it's not for everyone and I think it's fair to say that a few did end up slipping through the cracks. While the percentage of people we saw in the source material falling to the dark side was really low (or just

that the Jedi way didn't work for them), there are still some and that's just how anything ever has worked. No belief system, no type of therapy, no medication, no mental health work has ever had a 100% success rate, none of them are completely perfect, not a single one of them is, some are always going to fall off. That doesn't invalidate the good it does, nor does it mean that those it doesn't work for have to try to keep forcing themselves or just aren't trying hard enough or whatever. But those it does work for--and there were a lot of them, the absolute majority of them by all accounts we see in the source material--are worthwhile, too. I'm sorry for all the pain that you've suffered, I'm sorry that you slipped through the cracks and weren't found earlier, that you've had to work extra hard because of it. Whatever method you found to work for you, whether aligned with the Jedi teachings and their real world equivalents or on another path, I'm so glad that you found it, because you deserve to find that peace and settlement within yourself. You sound like you really have put a hell of a lot of work into this and it shows, you're doing amazing, I'm so proud of you.

[hersweetrevenge]

Annabel!!! ~

I'm here to drop that ask. Go ham about Bo and Vinny's relationship pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?🥺🙏

(and some Lester if you think of anything!!!!!)

oh erika you do indulge me !! 💖 this is going to get long and rambling and there's no way its going to be as articulate as it sound in my head, but i will never pass up an opportunity to talk about bo and vincent and their terrible sibling relationship.

this will be part timeline development, part headcanons, part something something "they need each other to survive"

i have less detailed thoughts about lester, and by my own admission i unfairly leave him out of a lot of what i write (over on @writing-good-vibes) just because i find it harder to figure out what his dynamic would be within the household.

(also i just want to add a small content warning. trudy and victor were not good parents and it was the 1970s, a lot of the in-universe attitudes towards bo and vincent that i'm going to mention aren't super nice. also, i am not an expert, so although i'm going to be talking about what likely was said about them in the 70s vs what we as audience can infer about them, none of this is conclusive and some of it isn't my place to start labelling or assuming, so i'll add link to a few other posts made by people that know way more than i do)

first things first, i've said it once and i'll say it again: bo needs vincent more than vincent needs bo !!

childhood

ever since they were kids, its been "bo and vincent". or "the twins". as much as i think trudy and victor instilled a heavy sense of competition between them (the whole "why can't you be more like your brother?" thing), i think on a day to day basis, it would be way easier to just lump them together and treat them as a joint package. people ask "How are the twins?" or "are the twins coming to so-and-so's birthday?" or "where have the twins got to?"

their "twin identity" is definitely effected by their looks. bo looks how vincent was "meant to", while vincent looks how bo feels. i can't imagine how it would be for vincent seeing bo all the time and thinking that is what he could have looked like, if he was the "main" twin. there's probably a lot of jealousy there that was fostered very early on, and their parents probably (definitely) didn't help with that.

being conjoined and self-soothing

their co-dependency began very early. in the womb, you might even say. they were probably separated because it was a low-risk surgery (this post explains in much better detail about how/why they would have been separated) although they obviously don't remember anything about their time being conjoined, i think it effected their ability to self-soothe. even after being separated it isn't that uncommon, especially in the 70s, to keep twins together in a crib and given that they we used to sleeping next to each other, i don't see why that wouldn't have continued. they're used to having the other twin close by. anyway, where was i going with this? oh yeah, i really think bo and vincent are terrible at self-soothing. they never needed too, as babies they had each other, so if one cried, the other one was there before anyone else. this is why, as they get older, neither has the ability to self-soothe, they aren't able to ground themselves properly. ironically they are very good at comforting others, but on the flip side they need someone (usually the other twin as their is literally no one else around) to be able to regulate their emotions.

my second ever sinclair twins fic was about how when bo is, essentially, disassociating, he needs time with vincent to soothe him. needs familiarity and comfort more than anything. this isn't a super frequent thing, maybe once a month one of them will have a bad spell and they'll sleep in the same bed. it's more difficult now they're adults, but they've been doing it since they were children (not going to think about them falling asleep together after one of bo's meltdowns and his wrists are still rubbed raw from the restraints) and they're not going to give it up any time soon. they usually don't talk about it because although deep down they both know how much they need the other, they don't really ever vocalise it. it's part of their bond, they don't actually talk, they just know.

unless, of course, they get into an argument and bo is quick to be as hurtful as possible, with vincent being just as cutting. honestly vince can hurt bo way more, because bo is nothing if not insecure.

neurodivergence

their early development definitely contributed to how they were both pegged against one another whilst also both being kind of written off as "defective" (an awful word but in the early 70s, a middle-class family having two, very young "problem children"? trudy and victor were probably thinking they'd got the short straw)

i think bo was the first to show signs of possible "behavioural problems. his "tantrums" were in all likelihood probably emotional meltdowns, which already singled him out as the "bad" twin, while vincent was considered the "good" twin.

i've talked before about how i think bo started speaking very late (me and @imbleedin-out have talked about him being being selectively mute). vincent is obviously also nonverbal, and i think a lot of the twins early binding was solidified in their communication. their twin talk (scientifically known as cryptophasia, apparently) lasted throughout their childhood and they still do it as adults. a mix of vocalisations and made up signs, as well as just certain looks, and they can understand each other as much as if they were speaking english.

despite being the favourite, i don't think vincent was treated perfectly either. both he and bo are neurodivergent and with vincent's physical limitations on top of that, he was probably under pressure to perform "better" (behaviourally and artistically(?)) to "make up" for his appearance.

(@aggravatetheaxe made an excellent post about this which i cannot find rn but will link as soon as i do) bo is the king of masking. he takes on the demeanour and attitude of whoever he is speaking to in order to appear more approachable or "normal". the only person he doesn't do this with is vincent. vincent sees his really personality because, well, he knows him better than anyone else anyway.

*as i talk about their relationship into adulthood, i am following my timeline headcanon, which y'all can read here if it is of interest to you)*

early adulthood

i think vincent went to college, and i think bo was really, really cut up about it. of course, they don't spend every waking moment together anyway, bo went to elementary/middle school without vince and they fall out often enough and like everyone else they just want to do their own thing sometimes, but they've never been really apart before. vincent is moving out of ambrose and bo doesn't know what to do.

he feels bad that he isn't totally happy for vincent to go off and live his own life, but he feels abandoned. vincent is the one person he can always rely on. no. matter. what.

after their parents died and taking over the town

i think after their parents died (in whatever way you want to interpret this happening) they had a period of relief. they no longer had these, ultimately, abusive people in their lives. they enjoyed a sense of freedom of like, "oh, it really is just us now!"

when either of them are angry they'll will bring up the competitiveness of their childhood (bo calling vince a "freak" and vince acknowledging that their parents "loved him more"), but on the whole they work much better as a unit. two brains are better than one and all that.

and, long story short, i think the town was more or less abandoned due to it being essentially a "company town" and once the mill shut down, everyone moved out.

with everyone else jumping ship and the twins having no where else to go as they still tried to maintain the museum, they would have become more reclusive than ever. lester had long since moved out and with just the two of them, they become more attached than ever. they don't want to talk to other people, because it's too much effort. bo has a breakdown at some point after their parents die and vincent picks up the pieces. this is when they start the *murdering*, almost as a coping mechanism like "we can't trust other people", which then turns into, "you know how we were both kind of failures our entire lives, lets try and pull off this bat-shit plan and then we'll know that we could do it all along".

lester

lester was born as an attempt to re-do the whole "having kids" thing, but ultimately trudy and victor just, weren't good parents?

lester is at least 5 years younger than the twins, and it shows. bo and vincent had their twin bond long before lester came along and although they love lester, he just doesn't... understand them, not like they do each other.

it used to annoy him, knowing that bo and vincent had each other and "left him out" (especially considering their parents didn't pay that much attention to him) but over time he came to accept it begrudgingly. now he has his own life away from ambrose it's a lot easier. one thing that does still annoy him though is their godgoddamn twin talk. they tend to forget that he's their, or that he doesn't understand because they can and will have intense conversation s and then just walk away, leaving lester very much hanging.

lester is willing to help the twins out, he does a lot of luring of course, but he doesn't live in town. honestly part of it is that he's always been more independent and partly because when the twins are in a bad mood (either independently or because of each other) he just can't handle the atmosphere in town. it's safer to stay out of their ways when they're "out of sorts".

on the whole i think, lester gets on better with bo and vincent when he's with just one of them at a time. they're easier to talk to when they're alone because they don't get side tracked by something the other one is doing. bo tries to get them all to eat dinner together on a somewhat regular basis but it's a nightmare to organise and lester gets bored watching the twins discuss/bicker about something he isn't involved in (will literally be something about meaningless like vincent accidently taping over an specific episode of star trek that bo is attached to, or bo borrowed vincent's shoes and has not yet cleaned the mud off of them). either way, lester find it way easier to talk to them when it is 1-on-1.

general co-dependency

returning to my first point. bo needs vincent more than vincent needs bo.

bo is unstable and scared of leaving town. controversial opinion, i know. of course he leaves town (to get supplies, to go to a local bar, etc.) but leaving permanently? no, he could never. he relies on vincent -- his twin, the one person who will always stay with him when everyone else leaves -- to ground him. relies on him to give him the affection he needs.

that's not to say vincent doesn't need bo. he does, but not as much as bo needs him. vincent needs bo to make himself feel better. bo gives him purpose, and not in the way you might think. vincent knows bo is hopeless without him, he knows he needs to be there or bo is going to fall apart.

in the film we see bo get angry at vincent for leaving town without him. yeah, he is angry, but i think most of all he's upset. he's scared. he's just been shot with a crossbow and he comes home and while he's trying to fix himself up, vincent comes home and bo realises that while he was getting shot, vincent was out there on his own. he could have been hurt and then what would bo do?

one of bo's biggest fears is being on his own, and he's angry with vincent for leaving him. not for leaving town, for leaving him. bo doesn't feel he's good enough for anyone (that's why his parents abused him, or why he can't keep a significant other) but selfishly he thinks vincent doesn't have a choice. they were born together, they're stuck together (literally and metaphorically).

vincent, much like bo, has major self esteem issues. the love he got from his parents, although it's more than they gave bo, was conditional. so long as he was "good" (or, the opposite of bo) they would love him. if he kept doing well with the wax working, they would love him. if he covered his face, maybe other people would love him too. none of that happened.

he's selfish too. bo is the only one who's never put a condition on his love. the only one who has ever needed vincent for who he was and not for who he was pretending to be. he hates when bo makes comments about his face, but he can put up with it from him because bo needs him.

he puts up with it because he knows that bo sees them as more or less the same. sure, bo knows he "got the looks" while vincent "got the talent", but he seems them as one and the same. they were the same for a few months and when they were separated, there was a split in them. looks and talent and personality were distributed between them to the point where he thinks that together they might even make a whole person.

ultimately, they need each other to survive. through their early circumstances (and later by their own choices) they've been backed into a corner where they can't survive outside of the ghost town they call home. they both provide something the other so desperately needs that they won't be parted, even if it would be for the best and even when they know they're dragging each other down. they're in it together, forever.