#I'm still in the closet though with everyone 💔 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bellaxgiornata · 1 year ago

Text

Accurate representation of everyone at the end of this installment including myself.

They did say something though! They told each other they loved each other in this installment! BUT NEITHER OF THEM KNEW IT 😭💔

And yes, Liam was an asshole 🙄 He deserves bad karma and loneliness. And maybe a visit from the man in black.

Omg locking them in a closet or an elevator actually sounds like fun 🤣 I am very tempted but they'd STILL end up not saying anything. Because I have had that moment they tell each other/figure it out/realize it planned for a long time now and I'm not ruining that angst 🙃

Ahhh thank you so much!!! ❤️ I am so glad you're still enjoying this series and not wanting to hit me with a bottle of Clorox instead 🤣

All These Years [Part 7: "So Close Yet So Far"]

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader

[You can find the full series summary and masterlist of installments for All These Years here.]

Warnings/tags: 18+ for this series; contains emotional hurt with no comfort until the final installments, angst, pining, friends to lovers, slowburn, and eventually smut

Word Count: 4.6k

a/n: Apparently the next installment flew out of me quicker than anticipated so here you go--hopefully it sufficiently frustrates you by the end! Feedback is always appreciated!

Tag list: @acharliecoxedfan @theetherealbloom @rotscinema @magnumstyles @roseallisonparker @ofmusesandsecrets @readerhead @paracosmic-murdock @v4leoftears @why-always-me-gosh-please @redbircl @keepingitlokiii @yarrystyleeza @mattkinsella @ms-murdockswift @margoo0 @1988-fiend @lockleywife @strangeobsessed @justalittlebitbored

You stood there eyeing the brick building with your head tilted to the side, one of your fingers tapping along your coffee cup. A brow rose curiously onto your forehead as your focus lingered on the hardware store sign above you. Glancing over your shoulder, you shot Foggy and Matt a look.

The smile that had been on Foggy’s face vanished immediately.

“You don’t like it?” he asked.

“What? No, I didn’t say that!” you quickly answered.

Foggy’s attention shifted to Matt next to him, his shoulders dropping in defeat. “Dude, she doesn’t like it,” he told him.

Your eyes widened as you saw Matt’s face visibly fall next, his disappointment impossible to miss even with his dark glasses covering part of his face.

It had also been exceptionally hard to ignore how attractive he looked today with how he was dressed–vastly different than he’d ever dressed in college. He was wearing a blue dress shirt and a navy tie with a pair of tight fitting slacks. You’d shamefully been unable to avoid looking at his ass while Foggy was guiding him ahead of you down the sidewalk, having to mentally remind yourself that you were with Liam now. You shouldn’t have been checking out your friend’s ass–but my God, you were certain it had somehow gotten larger and more muscular than you remembered it in college. You couldn’t exactly refrain from looking when it was right there.

“I did not say that!” you exclaimed.

“And here I thought you’d be a supportive friend,” Matt said, rounding on you next. “We take a leap of faith and open our own law firm and you don’t like our office?”

You waved a hand frantically at the brick building before the three of you. “It’s a hardware store!” you pointed out.

“No,” Foggy disagreed, shaking his head at you. “It’s next to the hardware store.”

Your eyes followed the sweeping movement of his hand as he gestured to the door beside the hardware store. Chewing the inside of your cheek, you bit back your next comment. The door was unmarked and looked like it was part of the business beside it.

“You don’t like it,” Foggy reiterated, staring at you.

“It’s just–it’s a bit confusing where your office actually is,” you admitted.

“We’ll make a sign,” Foggy assured you. “Eventually. But why don’t you actually come in and see it?”

“Sure, I'd love to,” you said, waving your hand at the door. “Lead the way Nelson and Murdock.”

Foggy’s grin immediately returned as he grabbed Matt’s arm and led the pair of them to the door. You followed behind, stepping into the building and making your way down the long hallway past a few other offices as you went. Eventually Foggy came to a stop in front of a door with a piece of paper taped to the glass. In black marker it read ‘Nelson & Murdock, Attorneys at Law’ and you couldn’t resist the smile that instantly spread over your mouth. They really had gone and rented an office and started a firm this morning.

Foggy took a moment to unlock the door before swinging it open. He turned towards you, a bright smile still plastered across his face.

“Ladies first,” Foggy said, gesturing you ahead.

With a grin and a shake of your head you made your way into their office space, your eyes taking in the barrenness of it. There was a single desk shoved to the far back wall of the main room beside a few abandoned filing cabinets. Two rooms that appeared to be offices were opposite of each other in the space, a conference room beside one of them. There had been a table that fit the space perfectly left behind in it.

“So?” Foggy pressed, “What do you think?”

“It certainly has everything you guys need,” you mused, taking a few steps into the space and looking around, eyeing the dust on the filing cabinets and the desk. “And it came moderately furnished, too. I’d say that’s a bonus.”

“Oh, we got bonus furniture?” Matt asked in amusement. “Foggy didn’t mention bonus furniture.”

Your eyes were drawn towards Matt at the sound of his voice. There was a boyish grin on his lips as he spoke and you felt the all too familiar ache in your chest at the sight of it. But you quickly tried to shove those thoughts away. You were with Liam now. And you had been for a few months. Matt was only your friend. Grudgingly you reminded yourself that he’d recently moved into his own place because he was still getting that much attention from beautiful women after college and had wanted more privacy.

You needed to stop thinking about him like that.

“Is it in good shape, would you say?” he asked you.

Shrugging a shoulder, you eyed the desk before you. “I mean it’s not broken, so there’s that?” you answered.

Matt’s warm laugh appeared to echo through the room. You’d missed the sound of it. Ever since the three of you had graduated it had been hard to keep up with seeing each other. Usually you were lucky to see them once or twice a month lately, though you often spoke to them via text messages–or occasional phone calls from Matt. But those were fairly infrequent lately. You had figured this was what was bound to happen after you’d all graduated, you slowly drifting apart from them, but you’d hoped it would take longer than it had.

“Now you guys just need clients,” you said, turning around and facing the pair of them.

“Actually, we have one,” Matt told you.

Your eyebrows curiously rose onto your forehead at his words. They’d only just got this space today, how had they already acquired a client?

“I think she means one with money , Matt,” Foggy pointed out. “Because we don’t have one of those yet.”

“Ahh, well, we’ll get one of those eventually,” Matt assured him.

As your eyes took in the space around you again, memories of the three of you during your days at Columbia slowly played back in your mind. All those nights you heard them discussing what they’d do after law school ran through your mind. How they’d occasionally joked about opening their own firm in Hell’s Kitchen–to help the less fortunate, Matt always said. To be his own boss and not have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn was Foggy’s dream–along with being rich.

And now here they were, already on their way to achieving that dream.

“I’m proud of you both,” you said, eyes shifting between the pair of them. “Nelson and Murdock. You made it happen. We’ll have to get together and celebrate this another night.”

Across the room, Foggy and Matt’s faces both simultaneously fell yet again. Instantly you felt guilty that you needed to leave, but you hadn’t had a chance to see Liam all week. You were planning to surprise him this evening with a night in.

“You’ve got to run already?” Foggy complained. “You just got here!”

“I’m sorry!” you said. “I told you I didn’t have long because I was heading over to Liam’s tonight.”

“Thought you’d have longer than a few minutes for your best friends,” Foggy complained.

Frowning, your attention shifted towards Matt. He’d become oddly quiet, his focus on the floor of the office. You noticed he’d been like this more and more lately and you wished he’d open up to you. Clearly something was going on with him, but you had no idea what. In the past, before graduation, he’d have told you. It hurt that things had changed so much that now he wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized again, tone softer. “I’ll make it up to you guys another time, alright?”

“Fine,” Foggy reluctantly agreed, throwing his arms out towards you. “Now give me a hug before you go surprise your man. And he better be grateful for this visit because he’s stealing you away from us tonight. Again.”

You rolled your eyes, a smile slipping across your lips. Closing the distance between the pair of you, you quickly returned Fog’s hug. When you pulled away and looked over your shoulder, you saw the morose expression on Matt’s face, his head still bowed. You stepped over towards him, nervously holding out your arms.

“Care for a hug goodbye, Matty?” you asked.

His head darted up instantly, a smile quickly spreading across his face. The sight of it was bright in the dimly lit room and it had your stomach flipping.

“Of course,” he answered.

You wrapped your arms around his waist, his own arms coming to encircle your shoulders and drawing you into him. For a brief moment your eyelids lowered, your face buried into his broad shoulder. He smelled good–like fresh laundry. And he felt more solid than you remembered him being. Had he been working out?

Your eyes opened, taking in the sight of Foggy staring back at you just over Matt’s shoulder. He had that look on his face again. That same sad look he had always given you once he’d found out you’d had feelings for Matt. He knew. He knew damn well you weren’t over Matt just because you’d been with Liam for a few months.

Clearing your throat, you abruptly pulled away from Matt, holding your coffee cup nervously between both hands now. “I should get going, I’ll see you guys later,” you said quickly.

Without further hesitation, you made your way out of the office, hearing both of them calling goodbyes after you. As you made your way out of the building and towards Liam’s apartment, you tried your best to shove down everything you’d felt for Matt which that hug had suddenly tried to bring right to the surface.

°•°•°•°•°•°

Throwing back the beer bottle, you quickly swallowed down the alcohol. Tonight had turned out to be an exceptionally shitty evening. You’d gone to surprise Liam at his apartment because the pair of you had been so busy this past week that your schedules never seemed to align. You had every intention to stay in and order takeout with him, binging something on TV and having a relaxing night in.

But that’s not how the night had gone at all.

You’d showed up to Liam’s apartment and surprised him–that certainly happened. But you hadn’t expected the surprise you got in return in the form of a pretty, half-dressed brunette that he’d been trying to hide from you. He of course tried to apologize, to tell you it’s not what it looked like, but you knew it was all bullshit. So you’d yelled at him, tears streaming down your face as you ended the first relationship you’d had in years.

Then you’d headed into the first bar you’d spotted on your walk home, tears still staining your cheeks as you ordered three beers and proceeded to chug them one after the other. After you’d downed the third one, you’d ordered a fourth and contemplated calling Foggy. Hell, you’d almost called Matt. You certainly would have loved his comfort this evening. You would have loved to have him pull you into that firm chest of his, wrap those big, strong arms he had around you and hear him tell you that it would all be okay. That you deserved better. That it wasn't your fault.

That he wanted you.

But that was all a ridiculous fucking hope. He'd comfort you as a friend and nothing more, as he always did. And it would only tear you up even further to experience that right now. So instead you'd left your phone in your purse as you chugged down beer number four wondering what the hell was wrong with you that you couldn't keep Liam happy or even attract the attention of your best friend who slept with apparently every other woman in his vicinity but you. Still .

Bitter anger bubbled in your stomach, mixing with the three and a half beers you'd quickly thrown back. Grabbing the half-empty fourth bottle, you downed the rest of its contents in a few gulps. You slammed the empty bottle back on the bar counter, glaring at it as if it too had somehow hurt you tonight.

"Fuck everything," you grumbled to yourself.

For another few minutes you sat there on the bar stool, contemplating if you wanted another drink or not. The thought was tempting, but you did still need to finish walking the last few blocks back to your apartment. Much more to drink and you wouldn't be able to do that. Especially not with how fast you'd already thrown those four beers down. Though the prospect of going back to your empty apartment already had the tears returning to your eyes.

Blinking them back, you clumsily slid off the bar stool, grasping the counter to steady yourself. When you were sure you weren’t about to fall over, you turned and made your way to the bar's exit. The room around you spun a bit as you walked, but you kept on going, pushing your way out of the door and onto the sidewalk. The temperature had dropped outside and you could hear the faint roar of thunder in the distance. It felt as if the weather itself had even adjusted to your shift in mood–cold and raging.

Head ducked down, you made your way back towards your building. Your mind eventually shifted back to thoughts of earlier tonight as you walked. To Liam’s shock when he'd opened the door of his apartment and saw you standing there. You remembered how he'd been so flustered, his cheeks flushed as he seemingly didn’t want to let you inside. Then that brunette called out behind him just before she appeared over his shoulder, still trying to button up her blouse and entirely confused as to why you were in the hallway crying at his door.

Your stomach violently churned, sick threatening to spill out of you. You weren't sure if it was from the beers or the heartache, but you darted down a side alley and bent over, closing your eyes and hoping to make the feeling fade. Tears were steadily running down your cheeks as you tried to take a few deep breaths, begging yourself not to throw up in a back alley.

The space around you soon felt like it was spinning, the sensation incredibly dizzying. You sunk to the pavement, a sob falling out of you as the nausea persisted. You pressed your forehead to the cold brick of the building in front of you, waiting until that wave of nausea eventually faded. But that hollow ache in your chest you'd felt for years now felt like it had abruptly grown tonight as if it was trying to swallow you entirely.

Somewhere in your inebriated mind you were aware that you shouldn't be drunk and crying late at night in an alley in the city, that you should get up and go home, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. You sat there on your knees, forehead pressed to the brick, and cried hard as all of your pain began to fall out of you in the form of tears.

Another crack of thunder rumbled through the night and you began to hear the patter of rain lightly hit the pavement before you felt a few drops hit you. A bitter laugh rolled out of you, the sound ending on a hiccup. You threw your head back over your shoulders, looking up at what you could see of the sliver of sky in the alleyway.

"Of course it’d fucking rain," you mumbled. "Anything else to make this night fucking worse, right?"

"Are you alright?"

Heart speeding in your chest, your head whipped in the direction the voice had come from. Your vision continued to spin for a few seconds more at the movement before you could see who'd spoken. You spotted a dark figure at the far end of the alley. The fear you were feeling only increased as your brain gradually recognized that it was the man in black standing a few feet away, his masked face focused on you.

Because of course tonight could get worse.

You tried to back up, to get away, but your balance was off from the alcohol and you’d only managed to fall backwards onto your ass. The man immediately raised his hands, staying right where he was.

“Hey, I’m not going to hurt you,” he said quickly.

You’d drank too much and were currently far too fearful to even begin to understand why his deep, gravelly voice sounded like it was laced with something like hurt when he’d spoken.

“Then what d’you want?” you slurred out, trying to keep your voice even as rain began to dampen your hair.

“I heard you crying,” he called out, his tone somehow softer. “I–I wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?”

Fresh tears pooled in your eyes, another humorless laugh falling out of you. “Not in any way you’d care about,” you muttered.

The man in black took a tentative step towards you, his hands still raised in front of himself like he meant no harm. You tensed, eyes fixed on him.

“Try me,” he replied.

Your eyes narrowed as he took another careful step towards you. When you didn't react, he gradually began to close the space between you, moving slow in that form-fitting black suit you’d seen on the news and in the papers more and more recently. You were wary of him despite the reports saying he only brutally beat criminals, but he continued to move as if he was trying not to scare you away. As if he meant no harm. Part of your brain screamed danger the closer he came, but the alcohol you’d drank down was quickly quieting that warning. Because you weren’t alone right now and for some reason this vigilante’s presence was gradually easing the sting of loneliness you knew awaited you at your apartment. And for now, you were okay with that.

“No one tried to mug me,” you told him bitterly. “Or–or assault me or something. Nothing you’d probably be concerned about.”

“I’m glad to hear that at least,” he replied.

As he slowly came to crouch down in front of you, you saw the tension ease out of his shoulders at your words. You figured he must’ve been worried he’d stumbled on the aftermath of something along those lines, probably hoping to go chase down your assailant and pummel him before leaving him for the police. Unfortunately for him, nothing Liam did was truly worth the man in black's attention.

“What happened?” he asked, voice still pitched oddly low.

Drawing your legs up towards your chest, your focus dropped down towards your knees. “Found out my boyf–” you caught yourself, teeth gritting together before you changed your words, “–ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. Went over to surprise him tonight. Hadn’t seen him in a week. But he wasn’t alone.”

You wrapped your arms around your legs, lowering your forehead to your knees as your eyes closed. The man beside you was quiet for such a long time that you’d thought maybe he’d left until you heard him speak again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice sounding like it broke on the words.

You shrugged. “Told you ‘s’not something you’d care about,” you muttered. “Just a stupid break up.”

“I care that you’re alone, inebriated, and crying in an alley late at night,” he countered.

“You don’t know me,” you pointed out. “Why would you care?”

“Because it’s–it’s not safe,” he said, voice tense. “And I…care that you’re upset.”

You scoffed in response, shaking your head along your knees. “You don’t know me,” you reiterated sharply.

“I still care,” he stated.

Turning your head, you rested your cheek along your knees. The man in black was sitting beside you, his own legs drawn up to his chest, his muscular arms wrapped around them. Something about him seemed safe even though nothing about him should have felt like that.

“That’s not even the worst part,” you said, the alcohol causing the words to just fall out of you. “The cheating and the break up. ‘S’not even the worst part of why I’m upset.”

This man was a stranger, what did it matter what you told him? He wouldn’t give a shit. Hell, he probably wished you’d stop talking.

His head tilted to the side at your confession, though. Something about the movement felt oddly familiar but the thought quickly left your mind almost as soon as you’d had it.

“What is then?” he asked.

The tears came on their own now, freely falling down your face. Matt’s handsome face from earlier came to your mind. You remembered that smile on his mouth when you’d gone to hug him goodbye earlier. You could still recall the scent of him–always some sort of detergent. He rarely ever used cologne or anything else. He’d told you he was sensitive to scents and they often gave him a headache. He’d told you many things over the years, and somehow even the smallest details had you falling even harder for him.

That hollow ache was throbbing in your chest again. It physically hurt when you thought about how badly you wanted him.

“I’m still in love with my best friend,” you admitted weakly. “And I shouldn’t be.”

You buried your face back into your knees, unable to control the sobs that began to shake your body as you cried. It had hurt you to see Liam with that other woman tonight, there was no denying it, but it hurt you even more to know that all you wanted still was Matt. That you could never seem to let those feelings go. Even in a relationship. Even grieving the end of one.

You just wanted Matt.

“I just wish I could make it stop,” you choked out. “But nothing makes it go away.”

It took you by surprise when you felt a tentative hand come to rest on your upper back. You sniffled loudly, drawing your head from your knees to look at the vigilante beside you as a few drops of rain continued to lightly fall on the pair of you. Between the mask and the darkness of the alley, you couldn’t see much of his face, but you could see his mouth was twisted in a way that looked pained.

“I know how that feels all too well,” he confessed, his own voice thick with emotion.

Brows drawing together on your forehead, you stared at him in surprise for a moment. You hadn’t expected him to say that. But as it dawned on you that you weren't alone experiencing this type of painful situation, you gradually sent him a sad smile in return.

“What’re they like?” you asked. “The friend you’re in love with.”

You watched as his mouth twitched at the corner a few times, like he was torn between smiling at the thought of whoever it was, but also still struggling with the weight of the pain of those unrequited feelings.

“She’s beautiful,” he breathed out, emotion heavy in his voice. “Never met anyone like her before. The biggest heart. Sharp mind. And a–” he paused to chuckle, “–a surprising sense of humor. There’s just something about her that I’m drawn to over and over. I can’t seem to stop it either.”

You turned further towards this stranger, his gloved hand still resting comfortingly on your back. You curiously eyed his masked face in silence for a moment.

“Why don’t you tell her you love her?” you finally asked.

The smile that spread on his lips in response looked sad.

“I feel like I have in many ways without ever saying it,” he replied, shaking his head. “She doesn’t see it. But I’m certain she’s in love with someone else. She’ll…never want me.”

“Oh,” you breathed out, your heart breaking for this stranger. “I’m sorry.”

His lips were visibly trembling now, the sight stirring something in you. He must really love this friend of his to be so emotional spilling his heart out to a strange, drunk woman crying in an alley.

“Why don’t you tell your friend?” he asked.

His voice sounded a bit off when he’d spoken, almost like he’d been about to cry. You figured it was his own emotions trying to get the best of him as you shrugged.

“I can’t,” you answered. “We’re friends. And that’s all he ever seems to see me as. I’m not the one he wants. I’m never the one he wants.”

Tears began to fall down your cheeks again, your attention dropping back down towards your knees. The masked man surprisingly drew you towards him, his hand on your back pulling you straight to his chest. You didn’t even fight him when he did. You’d weirdly bonded with him in an alley this evening over the unreturned feelings of love for your friends. Now you were hugging the man in black, crying into his shoulder. His hands were soothingly running along your back in a way that felt oddly intimate for a stranger, but as your fingers dug into the thin material of his black shirt, rain still lightly falling down around the pair of you, you found that you didn’t care. It felt nice being in his arms and you weren’t about to question it after the night you’d had.

You’d stayed like that for a while, uncertain how long it had actually been, until you’d eventually stopped crying. But when you’d suddenly become overcome with the urge to kiss him–a stupid , drunk thought that crossed your mind–you pulled away just as fast as he seemed to.

“I should get home,” you mumbled, feeling oddly uncomfortable about that thought you’d just had.

“Of course,” he said, pitching his voice low again.

He rose to his feet in a fluid, smooth motion. It looked so graceful that you’d sat there stunned for a moment. His hands lowered down towards you, hovering just before your face. For a moment your eyes dropped down and lingered on the black gloves. Cautiously you placed a hand in each of his and let him pull you up to your feet. One of his hands released yours, quickly coming to rest against your shoulder, steadying you when you swayed until you’d regained your balance.

“Thanks for…whatever this was,” you said, your eyes trying to find his behind that dark fabric.

His mouth pulled up in a small smile in response, his head briefly nodding. “I hope tomorrow is a better day for you,” he said.

Turning slowly, you began to make your way out of the alley and back towards the street. You wiped the back of your hand across your eyes as you walked, pausing only when you reached the sidewalk. Looking back into the darkened alley, you felt your heart sink when you saw it was empty. Movement on the building above you caught your eye and you looked up.

The man in black was crouched on the edge of the roof, his masked face focused on you. He raised a single, gloved hand in a wave. Slowly you lifted one of your own, returning the gesture and finding the entire interaction with him to be incredibly strange.

As you turned and made your way back home, the rain steadily beginning to pick up, your thoughts inevitably returned to how you were once again single and still pining for your best friend. Forever hopelessly in love with a man who would never return your feelings.

At least the alcohol you'd drank tonight would help you forget some of what happened this evening. For that you were grateful.

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock angst

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