#I'm sorry I may have burnt out on teaching as a career

[kanguin]

I mean this is all well and good, totally do quash conspiracy type videos and posts, but like if you live in the US, and probably many other parts of the world, your history textbooks are definitely partially biased or censored.

In the US, which I'll use as an example because I know this from living here, going to school here, and having worked in middle and high school education for a few years, textbook manufacturing and sales is a heavily monopolized industry with only a few publishers covering textbook sales for most US schools. Large chunks of information about Columbus, slavery, the truth of the AIDS epidemic, and the mass extermination of native peoples through biological warfare and intentional mass murder of wild animals are modified, sanitized, or outright omitted by US history textbooks and school curriculums. Less and less as time moves on, thankfully, but just a decade ago it was still pretty bad from my own experience as a student. YMMV depending on where your school is located with regards to censorship.

However, even in more diverse, progressive school districts, history teachers are statistically more likely to be bigoted, nationalistic, and/or conservative men with a love of history for the wrong reasons. Speaking from personal experience as a former substitute teacher that serviced schools from the backwoods to the ritzy neighborhoods for 3 years, I genuinely disliked most history teachers I had to work with. Ngl I'm still bitter to this day that a history teacher I reported for racist misconduct with multiple student witnesses over a long period of time is still teaching.

So it's good, actually, to be skeptical of your history teachers, textbooks, and curriculum, but the coverups are never about hidden lost civilizations or shadow governments. It's always about changing the narrative on violent acts in favor of those in social power, aka straight, cis, able-bodied white men. It's never about burying the lead on secret information, it's always about hiding the bodies and relocating the knife to make the murderers look like the good guys.

[darkobssessions]

I'm getting really angry at how nothing about work or workplaces is geared for neurodivergents and especially autistics.

Absolutely nothing from the set up, the requirements, the social element, the hours, the expectations, the environment. Nothing.

Not the resumes and cover letters, nor the interviews, nor the vague conditions and agreements upon employment.

Am I a bit late to the party? Maybe. But it is because I only found out I was autistic in 2021 and have a patchy work history, leaving jobs, doing part-time gigs, and burning out in my education career.

I'm in severe burnout but also in a position where I have to get independent and fast away from my abusive family. I've basically dedicated my existence to job search, resume writing, and applications for the last 2 years (I lived with my partner for some of that time but had to leave the UK due to no full time job/visa and then with my parents the rest of the time working at the only career I've had that's paid me consistently: education).

The only problem is passion projects are impossible when you're burnt out, and careers often burn autistics out (because of set up of workplace cultures). I love teaching. I don't love demands, social elements and sensory overload.

My experience basically qualifies me most strongly for educational jobs.

But I am finding everyone is requiring so much all of the time, even in the process of hiring and giving you so so so little that it isn't even worth it.

'We'll hire you, but maybe only one day a week.'

'We don't know when you can start, HR has a huge backlog right now we will let you know when we know more.'

'You need to do these 5 trainings before you begin and go book fingerprinting and background checks.'

They want you to give everything and pay you a part-time wage.

Or they want you to give 40+ hours. Or super early in the morning (which is not possible with my burnout, mental health, moods and physical issues). Not to mention the 'benefits' of a minimal number of sick days they pat themselves on the back for 'awarding' you with, let alone miniscule holidays, and sickeningly low pay for cost of living.

It's all so hostile for NDs.

At first I looked and looked for something fulfilling, and since I have experience, education makes sense. I love teaching. But it's not great if I don't want to be burnt out and on the edge of meltdown daily.

Now I am looking for something part-time that leaves me alone and I can come home from not having been completely overloaded (maybe warehouse work, factories, bookstores, grocery stocking). I thought I wanted to be invested in what I was doing but coupled with what I'm experiencing and what I've read from others about their burnout and jobs, it looks like this may be the way to go.

To put this into perspective, even if something seems like a really good fit because of your experience/career/background or interests there will be a catch or a requirement that it is impossible to fulfill. There's a part-time youth instructing job at a recycling centre gearing them up for graduating and careers which sounded like a great fit until I got to the part where it said it needs you to have a driving license since you will 'ocassionally' need to transport students (ages 16-24!).

Why?

Why must I be an educator AND a social butterfly AND a driver and navigator?

Why?!

It's cheaper and better for them if their workers do everything but it's prohibitive to those of us that have issues and disabilities.

I'm sorry but my abilities as a teacher have no bearing whatsoever on my ability to drive. Driving extracts so much energy from me, is terribly dangerous when I am overwhelmed or melting down, and causes me to panic regularly. I don't notice as much what is going on around me when I am overwhelmed and make mistakes if I am pressured. I have trouble recognising a route even if I frequent it. Places look different at different hours of the day. My ability to navigate is extremely low. My ability to teach is honestly why I was born.

Why must every single role expect you to be neurotypical?

Why to protect our mental health can we only do minimum wage jobs?

Why is this system stacked against us?

I'm so frustrated right now and if I could just make some money to be independent of abuse I could funnel it into creating BETTER for us because we sure as anything deserve it.

[hshouse]

Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

[captainmdphd-blog]

Sorry if these questions have been asked before, but I've been scrolling through your blog and have really enjoyed your wit and honesty about your field. I'm considering MD/PhD. What was the focus of your PhD? Do you think there were other options than pursuing your MD that would be as pleasing to you career wise? Did you have many extracurriculars as an undergrad? How much of the typical pre-med requirements (outside of courses and MCAT) did you have to have? Thanks in advance!

I actually haven’t answered many of these questions before. Usually because I give the standard: you should be more worried about doing what YOU enjoy rather than doing what you’re supposed to enjoy. I had a weird application, trust me. But it was filled with stuff that was important to me. And that, more than anything else, was what was important.

What was the focus of your PhD?

I’ll keep this relatively vague because, as you’ll soon find out, the medical world is small. The MD/PhD world is even smaller. My PhD is in pathology, and I worked primary with breast cancer. The big picture of my dissertation was related to the hormonal signaling that drives breast cancer progression and the pathways that are involved in hormonal therapy resistance. 

Do you think there were other options than pursing your MD that would be as pleasing to you career-wise?

I guess what this comes down to is: do I regret going for my MD? Some days I do. Some days I don’t. There are definitely some days where I wish I had just stayed in research and forgotten about clinical medicine. That’s mostly intern year talking. Honestly, I really enjoy clinical care. It’s just there’s a lot of bullshit that gets in the way of clinical care. As burnt out as I am currently, I’m not sure I’d do anything differently if I had to do it all over again. My end goal is to have a mixture of both clinical care and research, and this is pretty much the only way to go about doing that. It’s not for everyone. 

I’m not going to answer the rest of the questions because it feeds back into the usual premed neurosis that your application should have X or Y. Do what you enjoy, man. For me, that was research, teaching, and volunteering with causes that had very special meaning to me. I would have done those things regardless of whether I was applying to medical school or not because, to me, they were important and aligned well with my interests. Instead of trying to figure out what you should be doing in order to gain medical school admission, try figuring out what you want to be doing. If those things don’t necessarily overlap, then it may be a good time to figure out exactly why you’re going into medicine to begin with. That’s not meant to be taken harshly. I’ve just seen way too many of my classmates get into medicine for some very wrong reasons, and they’re miserable. I don’t mean a passing misery that’s present during training and working too many hours. I mean a life long I-fucking-hate-my-life kind of misery. Medicine is not the only way to help others. Medicine isn’t the only way to do good in the world.