#I'm so tired I feel like my eyelids are inflated

[capricioussun]

I feel like one of Edge's favorite ways to mess with people is by pretending he doesn't believe it's possible he could've forgotten something. Especially funny because he has memory problems. Someone will remind him of something and he’s just like 'hm. You never told me' 'Forgot? Why would I have forgotten?' 'It sounds very interesting, I wouldn't have forgotten something like that' <- this will go on until the "accuser" gives up. He acts like forgetting is something you choose to do. Mircodosing his loved ones with gaslighting to build their immunity <3

[dejunectar]

TRAITOR | xiaojun

«« genre »» angst, hurt/comfort,

«« pairings »» xiaojun x reader

«« warnings »» arguing, alcohol consumption

«« summary »» after a night of clubbing with your best friends, (nct dream au), the night ends in a blowup between you and someone you considered your best friend and soulmate.

«« song/inspiration »» traitor by olivia rodrigo & my gf breaking up w me ahhahahahahhahaha

—————————————————————

Drip. Drip. Drip.

You looked yourself in the dirty & cracked mirror, attempting to catch your breath. The stained, broken faucet below you was the only thing you could hear other than your heartbeat that was pounding in your ears.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

It was as if the entire Earth beneath your feet was shaking, begging to be split apart so it could swallow you whole. You felt a cold breeze push against your neck, causing you to return to the reality you never asked to be in.

Drip. Drip—

“Excuse me, miss?”

You snapped your head around to see a woman with a small concerned smile, holding her hands together. “We close in 5 minutes.”

“Right,” you laughed nervously, shoving your hands in your jacket pockets. His jacket pockets. “I’m sorry, I was just washing my hands.” Your excuse was easy for anyone to see through, but the lady gently smiled and nodded before walking out and leaving you to your thoughts.

You looked yourself in the mirror once again, nearly becoming sick at the sight. Your hair was unkempt, your skin was pale, your lips were chapped, and dark circles littered around your eyes. No wonder she looked so worried.

Your hands quickly tossed the hood from your jacket— his jacket— up onto your head. As you sheepishly made your way out of the bathroom, the smell of the restaurant suffocated your senses and welcomed you with warmth. Your feet dragged behind you as you walked back towards your best friend, who had been waiting nearly 25 minutes for you to return from the bathroom.

“Hey! I was starting to wonder where you ran off to Princess,” Hendery joked, standing up from his seat and holding a hand out. “You alright?”

You nodded and offered him a small smile. “I’m just tired is all. Can we go home?” you asked, feeling your knees nearly giving out on you. He smiled softly and nodded, taking you into his arm and pressing a comforting kiss on the top of your head.

You’d been staying with Hendery for a few weeks for multiple reasons. Mainly because he’s always been your comfort and rock through everything since you first became friends. You two were like peas in a pod.

When he heard the news about what happened, he immediately came to your rescue, knowing how bad the damage might’ve been. You insisted that you didn’t want him caught up in things that only concerned you and your problems, but he didn’t care about any of that. He knew exactly how badly you needed him, so he stayed by your side through it all.

“You look like you’re catching a cold, Y/N,” he sighed as he held a hand to your forehead. You flinched at the sudden contact before shaking your head and buckling your seatbelt. “You’re burning up.”

“I’m fine, Hendery, really.” Your words didn’t make him change his mind.

He buckled his own belt before starting the car and beginning the drive back home. “You’re sweating, burning up, and you sound like you have a sore throat. That doesn’t sound fine to me.”

You rolled your eyes but leaned against the cold window anyways. “I’m just tired, okay?”

“Tired people don’t avoid eating their favorite food and go to the bathroom for half an hour.” His statement only made you wince in denial.

You were only tired, right?

You couldn’t eat because you just weren’t hungry. You wanted to sleep. Although you hadn’t eaten much that day due to sleeping, you just weren’t hungry.

Your eyelids were getting heavier as you thought of being wrapped in the soft blankets you'd just left. Your face pressed against the comforting pillow, despite the obvious discomfort in your heart.

"I'm sorry," Hendery spoke quietly, eyes focused on the road, yet shifting to you nervously, "that was harsh. I know you're not okay, I'm just worried about you."

You tiredly swung your head around to look at him. "It's okay, you don't have to apologize for being a good friend." You gave him a small smile and closed your eyes once more.

Once you arrived at the house, Hendery clicked your own seatbelt and handed you the leftover food you ordered at the restaurant. "You go in and eat, please, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go pick up some medicine and banana milk. Do you want anything?" he asked, resting his hand on yours. You shook your head and popped your door open.

"No, but thanks." You step out of the car and make your way up the path to the front door. As your feet drag you into the house, you hear laughing coming from the kitchen. It almost immediately causes your head to ache and your throat to shut.

Anyway, you walk in, gripping the bag of food in one hand with your other hand shoved in your pocket. His pocket. Once you finally turn the corner, your legs almost give out on you.

Ten, Winwin and Xiaojun are all standing there, mid-conversation. It isn't until Ten sees you that you regret walking in. "Y/N! Hey!"

The other two spin around to look at you, and you lock eyes with him. The reason you're in such a fragile state. Xiaojun.

"Y/N..." he trails off, taking a single step towards you. Your fingers loosened around the bag and you let it fall to the floor before taking a staggered breath.

"I'm going to bed," you choked out before spinning around on your heel and quickly walking up the stairs. You could feel the aching in your chest begin to inflate once more and the burning tears return to your eyes. No matter how hard you attempted to hold them back, they spilled.

Your entire body was already giving out on you before you could make it to Hendery's bedroom door.

"Wait," Xiao's voice rang through the halls and slammed against your ears. "Y/N, please-"

You turned to face him, feeling the energy being sucked away from you. "You told me she meant nothing to you!"

Your words hit him like a wall, causing him to stop; feet away from you.

"You meant everything to me, and you knew that! You knew that I loved you too much to question anything and you took advantage of it! How could you!" you yelled, balling your fists up and digging your nails into your palms.

"I'm sor-"

"You didn't cheat, no, but you dived right into a relationship with her as soon as ours ended! Do you know how badly that hurt? Do you realize how stupid that makes me look!"

"I know, Y/N, and I-"

"I loved you! I still do, actually! And that's what hurts the most," you began sobbing and held a hand to your mouth to hold them back. "I hate you, and I hate you because I love you. You are the best and worst thing to ever happen to be, Xiao. Thank you, but also fuck you."

He stands there, hands shoved in his pockets and his ears red from embarrassment. "I know I hurt you, I wish I could take it back, Y/N..."

You leaned against the door to Hendery's room and let out a cold laugh. "Which part? 4 years of dating me, talking to someone else while we were together or dating them a week after we broke up?" you asked rhetorically. Before he could respond you wipes your face and shoved your way into your best friend's room.

[bunnyhani]

A Little Insomniac

Pairing: (Platonic!) Seo Changbin x Bang Chan. (Also Platonic! Stray Kids x Seo Changbin on the side.)

Genre: Fluff and angst. (It seems like I don’t write anything else.. xD)

Warnings: Not really? Some language..? Insomnia..

Summary: Changbin has never self-proclaimed himself as someone who suffers from insomnia. Sure, there were sometimes nights when he couldn't fall asleep easily, but he always did in the end and successfully slept through the night. Until he didn't.

-----

Changbin was tired. The comeback was so near and he felt drained. Of course making music was fun and all that jazz, but so was sleeping. He felt like he was a walking corpse and so were others, so he wasn't a special snowflake. Then there were Chan and Jisung, who were on a entirely different scale of tiredness. They were exhausted, but somehow they kept going. They might have been more irritated than usual, but they still held onto their beautiful smiles and interacted with the members, helping them out and doing other activities. Of course, Changbin did too, but he felt like he just... Wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. He always looked forward to getting to his bed, when all the lights were off and the dorms were dark, tiptoeing to their rooms along with the rest of 3racha. Sometimes the morning sun was peeking it's light through the window blinds and Changbin merely glared at the window then, always shutting the blinds more tighter. The sunlight just reminded him how little rest he was going to get and how unproductive he was (he wasn't but that's how he felt like).

Changbin collapsed onto his bunk bed, slightly shaking it but thankfully, Hyunjin wasn't bothered, if the boy's snoring was anything to go by. He whispered his good night to Jisung who just grumbled something similar in return, before falling asleep. Changbin just listened to the room, which was now filled with other people's calm breathing. It was kind of creepy thinking about it, since he was actually just listening to people breathe when they slept, but Changbin really couldn't do anything else. He also found comfort in it, it reminded him that he was never truly alone. While on some days he was annoyed by this fact, but during nights, he was just glad. It was kind of like unintentional ASMR. Changbin tiredly chuckled at himself, finally letting the sleep invade his mind and push everything else aside, and lay out its thick fog. The fog clouded his mind, he closed his eyes and before he knew it, he was pulled into the dreamland.

Changbin suddenly opened his eyes. His mind was messy from sleep and he had hard time grasping what was going on. He sat upright, hands shaking and he could feel his t-shirt sticking uncomfortably against his skin because of the sweat. He felt a little breathless and his heart was racing. Changbin put his hand over his heart, glancing down at his chest, even though he couldn’t see a thing in the darkness. As he realized that he couldn’t see, it set an alarm off in his head. He was going into panic mode and he needed to do something about this before it escalated. He felt around the bed for his phone and grasped it tightly, when he did. He started looking through his photo albums, where he knew that there was a gif that helped him breathe. It was literally like gif of a box inflating and deflating, back and forth and there was a text underneath that was timed with the box’s moves. It instructed him to breathe, kind of like copying the box’s movements. It usually helped when he wasn’t too panicked. Right now, he wasn’t and he started breathing more regularly. When his heart rate had slowed down and he felt calm, he just sat there, hunched over. What the hell was that? He didn’t remember having a nightmare that would have caused him to wake up. Now that he really thought about it, he couldn’t find a single reason that why did he wake up. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face tiredly. He glanced at the clock on his phone. 4am. Changbin was so tired but so frustrated that he wanted to sleep and simultaneously scream. He settled for huffing loudly and more or less, slammed himself down onto the mattress that thankfully softened the impact. Not that Changbin actually cared at the moment. He just wanted to sleep. So he waited for sleep to come and take him again.

Changbin listened as Hyunjin’s alarm started ringing loudly in the otherwise quiet room. There were several groans and he could hear Jisung getting down from his bunk bed to go and slam Hyunjin’s alarm off before anyone else would go and smash the thing into tiny pieces. Changbin didn’t get up, he had no motivation or energy to face the day just yet, so he didn’t move. He had been going in and out of sleep most of the night, which annoyed him to no end. When the room started getting alive, only then did he force himself out of the bed. He climbed down and breathed deeply through his nose. He changed out of his pyjamas into a hoodie and sweats. Changbin could already feel the huge bedhead that he had from tossing and turning most of the night, but he wasn’t in the mood for dealing with it, so he just put on a beanie to cover it. Not that it really mattered, since all the members looked a little disheveled in the morning. Changbin didn’t really feel hungry, but still ate so nobody would get concerned over nothing. So what if he had one sleepless night? It’s not like he was a baby and couldn’t deal with it, so he didn’t see a reason to talk about it either. It was just one night, right? It was not like it was going to be a regular occurence.

The day went on it’s normal tracks, they practiced, 3racha worked on their songs and they ate. There were some messing around from the maknae line, but that was to be expected. As they had a 15 minute break from dancing, he slumped against the cold mirror of the practice room. Miroh was playing in the background, the members were sprawled across the floor and some were drinking water and conversing with each other. Changbin closed his eyes, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he just rested his eyes a bit.

Someone shook Changbin’s shoulder gently and patted his cheek in attempt to wake him up. Changbin opened his heavy eyelids and came face to face with Chan. Chan was looking tired, but still fond.

“Come on, Bin. The break is over”, the leader said while still stroking his cheek. Changbin, still dazed, nodded tiredly but still leaned into Chan’s touch. He started falling asleep again because of the continuous movement against his cheek, but he was snapped back to reality when Chan moved his hand away. He whined at the loss of comfort, usually he wouldn’t have done it or even let Chan pet him like a dog, but he was sleep deprived so who could blame him. Although Chan was smiling, he could see the older’s eyes twinkling with worry.

“Are you okay?” Chan asked, bringing his hand back to Changbin, but this time feeling his forehead. When Changbin’s mind caught up on what Chan was doing, he lazily slapped the hand away.

“I’m not sick, hyung. I’m fine. Just a little tired”, he grumbled and forced himself to get up from the cold floor.

“If you say so”, Chan said, still keeping an eye on him. They continued dancing until they were done with the session. By that time, Changbin couldn’t even describe how he felt at that moment. He still went on with his day, joking around with others, although he was more quiet than usual. Nobody seemed to notice and if they did, they didn’t say anything. It wasn’t unheard of that sometimes each of them had trouble with sleeping sometimes, for some reason Chan still worried. Maybe it was him being just overprotective, but he did.

3racha were cooped up in the studio, still fixing some tracks and going through lyrics to see if there was anything to improve. Changbin busied himself with reading the lyrics and found himself nodding off once in a while. Jisung was pretty much in the same condition, it was quite hilarious to see how the younger’s head lolled side to side occasionally. If only he knew that he looked exactly the same. Chan just watched at the duo who were more or less coming in and out of sleep. He shook his head, but let them fall asleep. By the looks of it, they both needed it. Slowly but surely, the two younger ones did fall asleep.

Changbin jolted awake again, slamming his knee against the desk in the process. He hissed in pain and rubbed his knee with a wince. Chan had just been glancing at the two, just make sure that neither one of them were falling from their chairs or anything else. He had witnessed how Changbin had just jolted awake, from the peaceful sleep.

“Oh my God, Bin, are you okay?” he asked, moving quickly to the rapper's side. Changbin just groaned in answer and rubbed his knee.

“Fuck, yeah, I'm fine”, he replied, hissing out the curse word.

“Was it a nightmare that woke you up? You just kind of… Jumped awake and looked distressed”, Chan continued, ignoring Chanbin’s cursing since he was clearly in pain.

“Might have been because I slammed my knee kinda hard against the damn table”, Changbin retorted dryly. Chan didn't say anything and just waited for him to answer his other question. The silence was unbearable for Changbin and he finally answered:

“No… I don't know what woke me up. I just did.” Chan frowned at the answer, he could see how bothered Changbin was over the matter, so he didn't press it any further. Changbin was puzzled and concerned. This was the second time this had happened in a row. And it had happened right in front of Chan too, why on earth had Chan let him fall asleep? Then he remembered that Chan had no idea of what Changbin was going through, so of course, he had let him sleep. Well him and Jisung both. Jisung was still dead to the world, drooling onto the palm of his hand and the boy shifted slightly in his sleep. Even though his head was in an awkward angle, he still seemed to be  very comfortable. Something that Changbin was envious of. He shook himself out his thoughts and went back to work. If anyone asked, they all had been working hard and definitely not sleeping and drooling all over the place.

The work day was finally over and 3racha finally actually came home in a humane time of the day.. Or late evening. They came back to the dorms at 9pm and the members had some mental peace, now knowing that the hard-working trio were going to get a proper sleep after a longer while. Changbin was still skeptical about his sleep though. While he was tired, yes, he wasn’t sure that would he be able to fall asleep or wake up again. As he climbed into his bunk bed, he googled reasons why did he wake up at night. Most suggested stress and anxiety. And they were the reasons that made the most sense, and he absolutely hated it. Why did he have to be an anxious person? He was still luckier than Felix, as he could hide his anxiousness easier and control it, but it sometimes it bothered him. And apparently affected his sleeping too, he added in his mind. His whole being felt heavy and he prayed that he could finally sleep like a normal human. His prayers, however, were not answered. Changbin wasn’t surprised at all as he woke up at 3am this time. After awhile of lying down and overthinking, he did fall asleep again, and thank goodness, he didn’t wake up again until Hyunjin’s loud ass alarm started ringing.

The week went on with similar pattern: he would work, eat, practice and after falling asleep, he would wake up in the middle of the night. He was starting to get desperate on what to do. He had tried to drink chamomile tea to calm his nerves, took melatonin and avoided looking at his phone before he went to sleep, but he always woke up in the darkness every night. Changbin started getting a little scared of falling asleep. It was dumb and childish, since the worst that could happen was that he would wake up during the night and wouldn’t fall asleep again or would continue going in and out of sleep. There was nothing to be afraid of, but he still did fear it. No matter how much he repeated to himself that it was irrational and dumb, he couldn’t really bring himself to believe the words when he actually did wake up. Other members had noticed how jumpy he was becoming and despite going to sleep fairly early, his dark circles didn’t lighten. If anything, they got darker.  

It was Sunday night and he woke up again. This time he was drenched in sweat and in no time he had tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn’t hold it in anymore, so he broke down crying. He tried to stifle his sobs that shook his whole body and in distress, pulled at his hair. He silently sobbed until his eyes were dry and even blinking hurted. The tears had burned his already dry lips and he could feel how swollen his eyes were, yet he didn’t care. There was nobody to see him in this state anyway, he thought to himself as he leaned his head against his knees that he had pulled to this chest. He decided that he had enough of sitting in the dark room, being suffocated by his own thoughts and tiptoed to the bathroom in plans of blowing his nose and splash his face with some water. What he wasn't expecting, was to hear someone walking towards the kitchen. He quickly tried to bactrack but slammed straight against a wall, hoping that the person, who was walking, hadn’t seen or heard him. Well, the last hope was completely crushed as he stumbled on something that made a loud clattering sound and the fact that him slamming against the wall also created quite a loud noise. He cursed under his breath and leaned his head against the wall.

“Hello? Who is in there?” The person, who revealed to be Chan, asked cautiously into the darkness. As he was debating that should he make a run for it and possibly run into walls (again) and create a big mess or try to wait it out, Chan had moved from his spot in the kitchen and was fumbling around, looking for a light switch. The lights were turned on suddenly and it blinded Changbin momentarily, he automatically brought his hands to his face to shield his poor eyes, which were already stinging from crying.

“Changbin?” the leader asked, confused. Why was Changbin awake at this hour of the night? He scanned the younger with his gaze, trying to find a reason why he was up and that’s when he saw Changbin’s chapped, dry lips and how the younger rapper was covering his eyes. Chan said his name again, this time getting his attention. Changbin looked up, locking eyes with the elder. Chan’s heart broke seeing Changbin’s bloodshot eyes and eyelids that were swollen, which just told him that the young man had been crying. He slowly made his way to the young rapper, putting his hand onto his shoulder in a calming manner. He didn’t say anything, just let Changbin lean against him and soak himself in comfort and warmth that his body emitted. He wrapped Changbin into his arms and rubbed the rapper’s tense back. Slowly but surely Changbin started relaxing and trusted Chan enough to hold his weight, when he melted against him.

“I haven’t been able to sleep well this week… I keep waking up in the middle of the night”, Changbin confessed quietly, words a little muffled as his face was pressed against Chan’s chest. Chan still understood and tightened his hold a little.

“Do you know why?” he asked carefully. All what he got back in response was a weak shake of the head and a low rumble:

“Well… I’ve googled stuff and the reason that made the most sense in my case would be anxiety. The comeback’s near and I’m a little worried.” He sighed and continued rubbing Changbin’s back.

“I’m not going to scold you, because I know how your mind works… But please, next time when things like these happen, you can come to me, to us. It’s okay Changbin, all of us struggle with sleeping one way or another at some point, we wouldn’t push you away or think that you’re annoying. We would be hypocrites”, Chan said, chuckling at the end his sentence. Changbin just hummed, showing that he had indeed heard him but was too tired to actually reply.

“What about… You come sleep with me and you wake me if you wake up. We can talk about what worries you and what’s going on inside that cute head of yours”, Chan suggested. Changbin found himself just nodding tiredly and together they staggered to Chan’s bed. They slipped under the covers without a fuss, and Changbin would never admit how eagerly he pressed himself against Chan again. Chan smiled broadly, but of course, Changbin couldn’t see it but somehow, he just knew that Chan was smiling like a doofus.

“Stop smiling like that or I’ll kick you off of the bed”, Changbin growled playfully. Chan held his laughter in and nodded, then wrapping himself around Changbin like a koala. Changbin took a deep breath and slowly relaxed again. Soon they both fell asleep. Even though Changbin woke up again later, this time because of a nightmare, Chan held him and reassured that everything was okay and that he was safe. And Changbin believed him. Now knowing that he had someone there for him if he woke up again, he went back into unconsciousness with a bit more ease.