#I'm so sorry Ellie you have a bad time ahead again

[ryniadora]

I managed to get DA:I working hooray! Not all my mods work and I couldn't find a braid I liked so she's going to have to be short hair Ellie from the start for now (Eleanor is meant to start the adventure with a heavy plait and cut it off for ~symbolic reasons~ en route to Skyhold, if anyone knows a good mod with a braid please tell meeeee) but still. Even if the lighting is shit that top image is SO CLOSE she's only missing her freckles!

She beautiful. My gorgeous girl. I tried to make her look a bit more like the 30-year-old she is and a bit less angy than my first playthrough. For some reason she ended up with resting bitch face which was very funny but wildly inappropriate.

[punkshort]

look what we've become - ch.3

Chapter Summary: Joel joins Tommy to meet the Fireflies and set up a trade agreement. They come back to Jackson with more than they expected.

Chapter Warnings: language, angst, mentions of slavery

WC: 5.4K

Series masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N: a reminder this story follows a slightly different timeline. Ellie was born pre-outbreak, but she was little when it happened.

Joel couldn't believe the past day and a half really happened. The rollercoaster of emotions you put him through left him stunned and shaken, wondering how he could read everything so fucking wrong. He found himself questioning everything now, replaying conversations, wondering if you had ever alluded to your feelings about marriage and a family that maybe he misread, misconstrued. Twisted and built up in his mind to fit into his stupid fantasy. One, he acknowledged, wasn't even in the forefront of his mind until his brother brought it back up to the surface. And suddenly, he wanted it, too. Like some resentful child who saw another playing with a toy he hadn't paid attention to in months, then demanded it for himself.

But he had thought about it, well before Tommy decided to man up first. He had the ring, but he never did anything with it. Why? Deep down, had he known you wouldn't want that? Was he subconsciously protecting himself by never acting on it? Or was he truly just waiting for the right time?

Even with Tommy's news, he still hadn't come up with a plan to actually ask you to marry him. He just allowed the fantasy to play out between your legs while he continued to make up excuses as to why he was holding off. Maybe it just turned him on to have a secret. Maybe he just wanted to have you, mark you, claim you. He knew he had a bad jealous streak, but would he have let his possessiveness lead him this far off track?

No. There were real reasons why he wanted you to be his wife. You made him want to be a better man. The way you made him feel was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. You brought out sides of him that others, including himself, never knew existed. Good things. You made him believe in happiness again, after his heart had been stomped on, making him treat everyone around him so poorly, even his own family. At a time when he felt so undeserving, you made him feel like the only person in the world. Even back then, he had a hard time believing you could actually care for him, but you saw through his bullshit to the man he was underneath, and you loved him for being him.

You had this way of looking at him like he was capable of anything. And with you by his side, he felt like he really was capable of anything. He did things he never thought possible to keep you both safe, as did you. You killed for each other. Not many people can say that. That meant something. The trauma and pain you both endured for one another had to mean something more. There was no doubt you both had proven what you were willing to do for the other, so it was only natural he wanted to commit himself to you. Say the words, vow to you in front of everyone you knew and loved that he would happily devote himself to you for the rest of his life.

So why didn't you want the same?

Ages ago, when the pair of you stumbled into the hellscape that was Kansas City, his ex, Amy, had mentioned offhandedly that you were only with him for protection. At the time, he shrugged it off, knowing full well it was bullshit just to get under his skin. But now, against his better judgement, he was rethinking those words. Rolling them around in his head, wondering if there was any truth to it.

"You been real quiet," Tommy said, pulling Joel out of his misery, surprised to suddenly find his brother next to him as they made their way on horseback down the mountains. Joel shrugged, averting his gaze ahead to the three other men leading the way.

"You mad at me for puttin' you on patrol yesterday? I'm sorry, Carl got sick and I didn't have anyone else," Tommy continued.

"Nah, it's not that," Joel replied, still staring straight ahead. "Didn't sleep well, is all."

"Ah," Tommy said, a playful smile pulling across his lips. "She send you off with somethin' to remember her by?"

Joel huffed and rolled his shoulders, his anger bubbling below the surface as he thought once again about the night before.

"Not exactly," Joel responded, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice.

Tommy hummed in response but remained quiet, trying to read his brother from the corner of his eye.

"Everythin' alright at home?" he asked, unknowingly hitting the nail on the head, causing Joel to clench the muscles in his stomach, like he was bracing for a punch to the gut.

"It's fine. What's the plan for when we get to this place?" Joel asked, quickly sidestepping the subject, something that was certainly not lost on his younger brother, but Tommy allowed for the change in conversation, anyway.

"We're gonna meet up with their leader, woman named Marlene. They're lookin' mostly for weapons, but they need other stuff, too. They got lots of medicine and first aid to swap. Bill's been runnin' real low on antibiotics, considerin' how fast the town is growin'," Tommy said with a sigh, readjusting in his saddle. "Girls sent me with a list of inventory, highlighted all the stuff we have a surplus of and all the stuff we could use more of. Remind me to thank her for helpin' when we get home," he said, keeping a close eye on Joel's reaction when he referred to you.

"Sure," was all Joel said in response, refusing to let him drudge up the topic. The wound was still too fresh, and he needed time. For the first time in a long time, he had no idea what was going through your head, and it scared the shit out of him.

Was it marriage and kids in general you didn't want, or was it marriage and kids with him?

He should have asked. He should have stayed instead of storming out that night. Instead, he let his emotions get the better of him and left you all alone, likely crying until you fell asleep if your swollen eyes the next morning was any indication. When he saw you, saw the distress etched in your perfect features, he wanted to pull you into his arms and never leave for this fucking trip. And he damn near did just that, until you confirmed it was a false alarm, and his heart was torn all over again. It was then he realized he had been hoping you were pregnant with his child, and there would be no choice but to face the next challenge together. Then he would be able to prove to you that it was a good thing, that you could, in fact, do it. And so could he.

Now, instead, he wasn't even sure where you two stood. You had said you still wanted him before he left, and that gave him hope. Hope that maybe not all was lost, that you could repair the damage that was done and come out stronger in the end for it. That maybe he could, in time, prove to you that he would be a good husband, a good father.

But then, Amy's words crept up in the back of his mind since he left. Somehow, years and years later, the woman still managed to torment him, making him believe he wasn't worthy or good enough to possibly have someone like you. The same way she manipulated him into thinking he deserved to be betrayed by her when they were engaged, that he didn't give enough of himself, that she warned him she needed more and he refused.

He shouldn't have gone on this trip.

"Alright, we're losin' daylight, let's set up camp and get an early start tomorrow," Tommy announced, much to Joel's relief. He didn't want to admit that, just a mere few weeks away from his fortieth birthday, his back and knees were aching like he was a much older man. He slid down from his saddle with an audible groan, then tied his reins around a tree trunk before giving his mare a few loving pats along the crooked white blaze that split her face.

He unbuckled his sleeping bag from the saddle and shouldered his backpack, dropping his belongings unceremoniously to the ground before he and Jake headed out with a couple hatchets to collect some firewood.

He didn't mind Jake so much anymore. He was quiet, kept to himself and, fortunately, didn't seem to harbor any resentment towards him from the time Joel put him in the infirmary for kissing you. His bad temper mixed with his jealousy nearly killed the man.

Afterwards, he thought he lost you.

You left him, asking for time to process what happened, upset that he didn't take your word for it when you promised him the kiss was a misunderstanding, that you handled it. You viewed it as distrust, he viewed it as protection. It wasn't until later that he realized he was harboring his own trauma from failing to protect you from a past sexual assault.

As he carried an armful of firewood back, he reflected on everything you had been through together. The outbreak, your parents, the time you were stabbed, the assault, the breakup, the accident that nearly killed him. Not to mention all the infected and raiders that threatened you both at every turn. Was your relationship strong enough to endure one more massive hurdle?

They were deep in the woods, the terrain favorable. The trees hid the fire well, and the vast, empty land kept infected away. Still, each man took a quick turn overnight to keep watch. It hardly mattered when Eugene gently shook his shoulder, alerting him it was his turn to watch. He can never sleep well when he's away from you, anyway.

Joel was almost grateful when they reached the hospital late in the afternoon the next day. It was the first time in two days he was able to stop thinking about you, his mind swirling with images of your trembling lip and your tear stained cheeks. He frequently wondered what you were doing, if you told Maria or Carrie about your argument. Were you packing up your things? Would he come home to an empty house? He wasn't sure his heart could handle it again.

You said you still wanted him.

You said you loved him.

But he didn't say those things back, and he left.

Even if you were fighting, even if it was the most significant disagreement you've ever had, he still wanted you near. He could never silence that driving force inside him since the outbreak that screamed keep her safe.

When they approached the hospital, they were all searched, weapons confiscated, as expected, before being ushered inside to meet the leader of the strange group called the Fireflies.

Marlene was a taller woman, with a firm jaw and eyes that could look right through you. He could tell right away she was not to be trifled with, that she took her role seriously in this little revolution she was spearheading. Although the people they had met since arriving seemed very intense, he didn't feel threatened. And he usually had a good instinct for those things. Usually.

They were in the hospital cafeteria, the five men, Marlene, plus a few others seated around a large, circular table as Tommy and Marlene exchanged pleasantries, both parties trying to make the other more comfortable. Joel hadn't really been listening. He was scanning the room, watching the guards pace by the doors regularly, the sentries standing watch with their hands resting on their rifles as they watched the exchange from a distance.

A small group of women entered from the door behind him, heading towards the kitchen to begin food preparations. Joel's eyes glanced over the group of four, three middle aged looking women who kept their eyes pinned to the ground, and a young girl with brown hair, tied back away from her face. She didn't look to be a day over thirteen, and she was the only one who looked around the room, her eyes locking with Joel's. He stared at her, his brow slightly furrowed as he tried to assess the situation. She continued to hold his gaze as she followed the other women, and although her body language gave nothing away, Joel felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Something seemed off.

"Isn't that right, Joel?" Tommy was saying, snapping his attention away from the girl, who he saw in his peripheral disappear behind a door into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry?" he replied, leaning forward and lacing his fingers together on top of the table, trying to look focused.

"I was just sayin' how we know of a few police stations in some small towns that have barely been touched. Wouldn't be much effort for us to get a group together when we get home and go ransack 'em, take just a few days to hit 'em all," Tommy said, his eyes flicking from Joel to Marlene, then back again.

Another trip. More days away from you.

"Yeah," Joel replied, nodding his head and ignoring the pit in his stomach. "It's not enough for an army, but I reckon any little bit helps."

"In the meantime, lemme show you our inventory list. See if anything jumps out at you, and we can work on gettin' those guns," said Tommy as he pulled the list out of his coat pocket and smoothing it out on the table.

Marlene reviewed the list, her dark eyes flicking over the paper quickly with a few hums here and there as she took notes.

"Looks good, but we mostly need weapons," she said, leaning back in her chair. "I could probably do with some fresh vegetables, I think everyone's getting sick of the canned shit. And shampoo. But that hardly is a match for antibiotics." Her eyes shifted back and forth between Joel and Tommy, and the corner of her mouth turned up as an idea hit her.

"I do have another offer, though," she said, leaning forward. "It's not what we discussed, but if you're willing, I could send you home with half a box of penicillin now, and the other half after."

"After... what?" Tommy asked a little hesitantly.

"I'm lacking manpower at the moment. My guys are stretched thin, we're planning a hit on the soldiers at the Boise QZ. I need you to take someone to the hospital base we have in Salt Lake City. It should only take two days to get there, and I just need you to make sure she gets there alive," Marlene said, pressing her pointer finger into the table on the last word for emphasis.

Tommy glanced at the other four men, clearly not expecting to run errands for these people in exchange for medicine. Joel could see the wheels turning in his brother's head before Tommy spoke.

"Show me the meds first," he said to Marlene, and she quickly lifted two fingers up from the table, blindly addressing someone behind her to exit and do as he asked.

"What's the catch?" Joel asked, his defenses going up.

"No catch. Just need to get her out of here and with my other group, and I don't have the time to do it myself," she said with a shrug, but Joel knew better. She was trying to act casual, but he saw her knee bouncing under the table.

He shouldn't have come on his trip.

Once Tommy laid eyes on the unopened vials of medicine, medicine Jackson could really use since Bill, the town doctor, had been rationing enough as it is, Joel knew his decision was made.

"Done," Tommy said with a nod, extending his arm to shake Marlene's hand, which she eagerly reached out to do.

"Tommy," Joel said quietly, annoyed his brother didn't run the decision by the group first.

"Give me a little bit. I'll go talk to her so you can hit the road right away. John, please give these gentleman half the box of penicillin," Marlene said as she pushed her chair back, the legs making an awful screech against the dirty, linoleum floor. "Dinner is about to be served, please help yourselves as my guests," she added over her shoulder, leaving the dining hall.

"Tommy," Joel tried again, finally pulling his brother's attention. "A word?"

He led Tommy a ways away from the table so their conversation couldn't be overheard.

"What're you thinkin'?" Joel asked him, hands on his hips. "We don't do things like this."

"I know, Joel, but we're already out here, what's the harm? It's just a few more days," he said.

"I can't do a few more days, I need to get home," Joel replied, raking his fingers through his hair anxiously.

"I'll send Jesse and Jake back to let the girls know we'll be a little longer-"

"Goddamnit, Tommy, no!" Joel said, louder than he anticipated, a few heads from the table turning to glance his way.

"Jackson needs this medicine, what the hell's gotten into you?" Tommy asked with a frown, shifting his weight as he tried to read his brother's face.

Before he could reply, Marlene reentered the room alone, motioning for the two brothers to join her back at the table.

"Ellie's working in the kitchen, once dinner is over I'll send her to change and gather her things," Marlene said.

"Not a problem," said Tommy as he sat back down.

"Is that true?" Marlene asked, her lips pressed in a thin line as she held Joel's gaze, waiting for him to answer. He took a deep breath through his nose and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, not a problem," Joel replied bitterly.

Joel ate his meal quickly, desperate to finish this ridiculous task so he could get home. The longer he was away from you, the stronger his paranoia became. With each passing hour, he could almost feel the chasm between you growing, and he was beginning to convince himself there was no repairing the damage that was done. On both sides. Communication had never been his strong suit, but he thought he was getting better at it the past few years. Why did he go on this trip?

His eyes flicked up from his empty plate to see Marlene heading their way with the young girl he saw earlier in tow. His anger flared deep in his belly again, and he elbowed Tommy in the ribs to mutter angrily "she didn't mention it was a fuckin' kid" before Marlene could overhear.

"Ellie, these are the men I told you about. They're going to take you to Salt Lake City like we discussed," Marlene said, her hand resting on the girl's back. Joel eyed her carefully, noticing how tense her shoulders looked as she regarded the five men in front of her. His eyes drifted back to Marlene, wondering why on earth she was willing to leave this young girl with five strange men without a second thought. He decided she either was very desperate, or didn't care much for the girl.

Ellie readjusted her backpack on her shoulders and yanked on the edges of her long sleeved shirt, squaring her jaw as she stared them all down. Marlene crouched down to the girl's level and rested her hands on her shoulders.

"Remember what I told you. Listen to them, and everything will be fine," Marlene said, narrowing her eyes at Ellie. Ellie nodded, nostrils flaring before Marlene stood up to address Tommy.

"You need a map?"

"Nah, we got maps," Tommy said with a shake of his head. "This group know when we get there to give us the rest of the payment?"

"I'll radio the leader over there once you leave, let her know the deal," Marlene replied, stretching her arm out again to shake Tommy's hand.

"Alright, then," said Tommy, looking back down at Ellie and shooting her a small smile, trying to make her feel more comfortable. "You ready?"

"Yeah," she said, taking a deep breath and following Tommy out of the cafeteria.

They collected their weapons at the entrance before heading out, Ellie joining Tommy on the back of his horse. They didn't make it very far before the sun began to dip behind the trees and a quiet place was found to make camp for the night.

After getting a fire going, Tommy sat down in the dirt next to Joel, who had been leaning against a small oak tree, sipping from his flask and staring into the flames. The other three men were quietly playing a game of poker across from them, the occasional laugh or taunt floating in the air, while Ellie busied herself with a worn, paperback book further away from the rest.

"You wanna tell me what's goin' on yet?" Tommy asked, taking out his own flask.

"Nothin's goin' on," Joel replied gruffly, eyes trained on the fire.

"What's makin' you feel like you need to get home so bad?" he pressed. Joel felt that anger swelling inside him again, up his stomach and through his chest, and for a moment he wondered if Tommy knew. That maybe you told Maria and she let something slip.

"I told you, it's nothin'," he snarled, taking another sip from his flask and letting his eyes drift over to the girl. "Just wish I knew you were signin' me up to be a goddamn babysitter before comin' on this fuckin' trip."

"I can hear you, you know," Ellie said, her eyes never leaving the pages of her book.

"Good," Joel said, jutting his chin towards her, finally finding something to take his anger out on. "What's your deal, anyway?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," she said, sitting upright and letting her book fall to her lap, a flash of stubbornness not unlike his own reflecting in her eyes.

"Try me," Joel argued, his jaw clenching. Ellie glared at him, silence falling over the camp as everyone waited for her to speak. She opened her mouth, then thought better of it, clamping it shut and casting her eyes down. Joel scoffed, not ready to let the topic go just yet. Angry that this child was keeping him from home, from you. Angry that his brother agreed to it, like a fool.

"C'mon now, let's hear it. What makes you so fuckin' special?"

"Joel," Tommy said under his breath, a warning, reminding him to watch his language, that she was just a kid.

"Why should I bother? You're all the same, anyway! No one ever listens to me, 'cause I'm just some kid, right? No one-" she cut herself off, stopping herself before she said too much.

"Who's all the same?" Tommy asked gently, trying to coax the information out of her. She shrugged and huffed, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly.

"The people Marlene hires. Dragging me all over the country like I'm... whatever," she said, stopping herself yet again.

"So this ain't the first time Marlene sent you off with a bunch of strange men?" Joel asked, the edge still in his tone but he could feel his resolve softening, somehow feeling bad for this little girl despite his own problems.

"No," was all she offered, glaring at Joel again.

"Are you in some sort of trouble, kid?" Eugene's voice asked from across the fire. The silence that followed was deafening, only the crackle from the fire filling the air. Ellie's eyes shot over to Eugene, looking him up and down, trying to keep up her steely resolve before giving up and turning her back on the group, announcing she was going to bed, and burying herself in the sleeping bag that was way too big for her.

Joel stared at the back of her head, trying to connect the dots with the context he had available to him, but he couldn't figure it out. Tommy shifted next to him, clearly lost in his own thoughts, as well. Wondering for the first time if he had gotten them all in over their heads.

The following morning, Tommy sent Jake and Jesse back home to let everyone know they were going to be a few days late. The three remaining men and Ellie packed up their supplies early, hitting the trail as soon as possible, ready to make a dent in the long road ahead. Eugene led the way, followed by Tommy, then Joel brought up the rear, his eyes burning holes in the back of Ellie's head as she clung to Tommy's denim jacket to keep her balance on the back of his horse.

Joel chewed the inside of his cheek, still feeling bitter, about everything. You, Tommy, Ellie. All of it. Since he couldn't get to you, and Tommy already got him in too deep, he chose to direct his energy towards Ellie when they took a break midday.

"Marlene send you with any food, or are you takin' that from us, too?" Joel asked, sitting down on a fallen tree trunk with a groan.

"I have food. And what else could I have possibly taken from you?" Ellie replied curtly, sitting further down the log as she opened her pack to fish out some granola bars.

"Time," Joel snapped. "And we don't even know why we're doin' it."

"Isn't Marlene paying you guys?" she replied with a huff. Tommy's eyes toggled back and forth between Joel and Ellie, becoming exasperated with the constant bickering.

"Can you just drop it, Joel?" Tommy asked. "Who cares? It's an easy gig, and we get meds out of it."

"Oh, she's giving you meds? Wow, she must be really desperate," Ellie chimed in.

"Alright, I've had enough," Joel said, standing up to tower over the girl. "Spit it out. What're we doin' here?"

"Fine, Joel," she said, stretching out each syllable before standing up, fists clenched at her sides. The way she said his name set his teeth on edge. "You wanna know how you're helping slavers move cargo? That the answer you're looking for?"

The three men froze, clearly not expecting that. Tommy stood up now, his head swiveling between Eugene and Joel as he processed the information just dropped on them.

"Wait-" Tommy said, stretching his arm out to Ellie, but she cut him off.

"Yeah, that's right. You still think this is a pain for you?" she snapped, glaring at Joel even though Tommy was the one who spoke.

"Stop!" Joel shouted, holding his hands up in the air as silence fell over the camp. He pointed his finger to Ellie.

"You. Explain. Now."

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose as he silently listened to Ellie tell her story. Her parents were dead. She was taken from her aunt and uncle's house at a young age, forced into slavery for the past few years: laundry, cooking, cleaning. Sometimes for twelve hours a day. Said she's been with the Fireflies a long time, that they keep moving her from base to base but she claimed she didn't know why. Joel had to wonder how much of what she was saying was the truth. There was no doubt something was happening at that hospital, but slaves? Something just didn't add up.

When she finished her story, she nervously glanced around at the men, waiting for one of them to say something. Tommy sighed and motioned to the woods.

"We need to talk about this. Privately," Tommy said, narrowing his eyes at Ellie. "You stay here."

"Fine. Not like I can make it on my own out there, anyway," she said with a snort. She picked up a stick from the ground and began drawing into the loose dirt at her feet.

"We're takin' her back, givin' back the meds, and goin' home," Joel said the moment they were out of earshot. Tommy shook his head.

"Joel-"

"This is enough, Tommy! This ain't our business. Any other option here puts the whole town at risk, puts Maria at risk, puts-" he stopped himself, biting his tongue before saying your name. He hadn't thought about you for the past half hour. A new record.

Tommy wasn't an idiot. He knew something was going on, but he couldn't focus on it, having a much bigger problem to sort out.

"She's a kid. We can't take her back, and we can't take her to Salt Lake City. It ain't right," said Tommy gently, hoping he would make his brother see through whatever was plaguing his mind and look at the bigger picture. Joel frowned and glared at the grass below his boots, clenching and unclenching his jaw as his mind struggled to wrap itself around the situation.

"Eugene?" Tommy said, turning to raise his eyebrows at the older, and suspiciously quiet, man. Eugene sighed, dropping his shoulders like he was carrying an enormous weight.

"I agree with Tommy," he said, and Joel spun on his heel, angrily pacing a few feet away to take some deep breaths.

"So, what? We take her to Jackson? We don't show people where we live for a fuckin' reason," Joel reminded them, his back still turned on the two men.

"We take her back, just a bit, til we can find where her aunt and uncle were livin', and we'll take her back home," Tommy said, the gears in his head turning as he formulated the plan on the spot. "In the meantime, we tell the Fireflies she ran off in the middle of the night. Maybe if we can get those guns to 'em, we can still keep the antibiotics."

Joel scoffed and shook his head, turning around to glare at his younger brother.

"This is stupid and risky. Lyin' to those people don't seem like a good move to me."

"Yeah, well, it's the only move we got, Joel. Otherwise, we're just as bad as them," said Tommy, his eyes drifting through the trees to make sure Ellie was still perched on the log where they left her. "I won't ask you to help take her back to her family."

"Damn right, you won't," Joel muttered, rolling his shoulders angrily. He stared off in the direction of Ellie, his jaw ticking off to the side with his hands on his hips, lost in thought.

He shouldn't have gone on this trip.

"Alright, is it settled, then? Can we hit the road, go back home?" Eugene asked, clearly tired of the bickering. Joel glared at the other two men before stomping back over to Ellie, who stood when she heard the men approaching, eyes flicking to each of their faces. Joel brushed past her to scoop up his bag from the ground and jumped back up on his horse with a grunt. At least he won't have to be away from you any longer. Not that he was sure what to even say, he just knew he needed to see you.

"C'mon, kid. We're takin' you to our town," Tommy said, motioning for her to grab her things and follow him to his horse.

"Really?" she asked excitedly, a small smile playing on her face for the first time.

"'Til we can get you back to your family, yeah," he replied, holding an arm out to help her scramble up the back of his horse.

Joel remained quiet the next day and a half, inwardly brooding about the potential blowback from taking this kid, which then morphed into nerves when he realized he was a few hours away from seeing you again.

When they arrived through the gates of Jackson, he didn't watch Ellie's eyes light up when she first saw the town, the people, the animals, kids her age playing. Maybe if he wasn't so focused on searching for your face in the small crowd that welcomed them back, then he would have seen how happy Ellie was. How, for maybe the first time in years, she felt a spark of hope. Maybe if he wasn't so focused on the ache in his chest when he didn't see you, it wouldn't have come as a surprise when Ellie snuck off the first chance she got, bobbing and weaving down the busy street, eager to see what the town had to offer.

Tag List @nana90azevedo @ninaminaromina @untamedheart81 @taz-97 @nastiasnow @amyispxnk @plz-be-solo - lmk if I missed anyone or if you want to be removed

[vxnillavampir]

All I Wanted .1 - Nice Shot

you thought your life was over until you stumbled your way in to jackson. being the new girl around town means that someone has to show you the ropes and what to expect on patrols.

pairing: ellie williams x afab!reader

content warnings: some violent themes, reader takes out a couple of dudes and infected, joel makes an appearance, reader has relations with a man (briefly mentioned, barely even an aspect of the story), bad writing, not proofread. even though it's not smut, please be 18+ when interacting with my account thank you <3

a/n: hi…so i originally posted a little snippet of this on my old blog, in case this seems like something you have read before! i decided to just post the full chapter here. this is part of a multi part series i have in my drafts. who knows if the other parts will see the light of day.

SUPPORT PALESTINE

word count: 2.3k

November.

The ice-cold water being thrown in your face is what woke you up.

"We're going to need you to start talking." A blurred man kept pacing back and forth in front of you, his southern accent distinct. You shake your head to come to your senses and notice that your hands are tied behind you. The room you were in was dimly lit, the limited daylight peeking through the windows. What time is it? How long were you out? "Tommy take it easy," said another man with the same accent, "she's just a kid."

"I’m not a kid." You spat out.

"So, she speaks." The one that was apparently named Tommy knelt down in front of you. "Who are you? Where did you come from?" His voice was stern.

"California." Your voice sounded pretty groggy, and you cleared your throat to try and get yourself together.

"Jackson is a long way aways...what brought you all the way out here?" You glanced over at the other man who had his arms crossed. He was comfortably leaning against the wall waiting for you to answer. "I had to get out."

"You were...in pretty bad shape when I found you out on the trails. Are you infected?" The other man spoke up.

Tommy jolted up and stormed over to the mystery man. "You didn't even check to see if she was infected? What the hell is wrong with you, Joel!"

"I didn't see any bites when I picked her up..."

"I'm not. I was only passed out because I hadn't eaten in a few days..." Your stomach chimed in at the perfect time and both men looked over at you, relaxing a bit.

Joel sighed and uncrossed his arms. "You can eat when we figure out if you're going to be a problem or not." A problem? You guys are the ones that tied me up! You thought. "I don't mean to be any trouble. You can untie me, and I'll be on my way."

"Not with injuries like that," Joel gestured to your several cuts and stab wounds, "how'd you get those anyway?"

"I had to fight like hell out of my hometown. I don't feel like reliving it just yet." Your voice trailed off, feeling a bit faint once again from lack of food. The bearded man nodded slowly and unbound your wrists. Joel helped you up and your legs couldn't help but shake and wobble. "Woah, easy." He said softly and wrapped his strong arm around you to help you up.

    "Hey, don't go passing out on me again." Calloused fingers tilted your chin up and you opened your eyes. You looked around at your new surroundings. A bar? Where the hell did Joel take you? "Food as promised." He passed a bowl of food over in your direction. You two were sat in one of the few booths while soft rock played on one of the speakers. It has been a long time since you had electricity. The smell of hearty stew filled your nose and your stomach growled once again. Before you could even think, you were stuffing your face. "Okay slow down or else you're going to choke." The man chuckled in front of you. "Now why don't you go ahead and tell me your name?"

You swallowed before speaking up to introduce yourself. "That's a nice name you got. As you probably already know by now, I'm Joel, and the other guy is my brother. 'S name's Tommy...sorry he gave you such a hard time."

"It's fine...I guess. This place is pretty nice...at least from what I've seen in the two minutes I have been conscious."

"Yeah, sometimes Jackson has its moments. Better than a QZ."

"I wouldn't know. I just stayed on my family farm this whole time. I've heard some stories about life in a QZ, though."

"Family farm, huh? Sounds like you're one of the lucky ones." Joel cracked half a smile, thinking about what it would be like to live by himself on a patch of land.

"Yeah. Guess you could say that..."

"Y'know...we actually do need someone to join our patrol team. Do you have any experience with that?"

"I mostly just fixed fences and made sure our livestock was taken care of. Since we were so far away from the city, I never had to take down any of those creeps at the time if that's what you're wondering...but I can handle myself."

That part was clear. You can't travel over a thousand miles on foot without being able to take care of yourself. "You could stay here for a night and rest up. We can see how you do on one of our routes in the morning. What do you say?"

"Yes! Just as long as you don't tie me up again." A dry laugh escaped your lips before you continued to devour your food.

            The next day you woke up bright and early in a studio apartment that Joel and Tommy had near their place. It was nice to actually sleep on a bed for once. After you got ready for the day you heard a knock at the door. An impatient auburn-haired woman stood in front of you, her arms crossed. "Uh, hey. I'm Ellie. Tommy told me I needed to show you the ropes. Whatever that means."

You nodded. "Okay. I'll just go grab my bag." You shifted around your things and stuffed your backpack with a few necessities you might need like your trusty bow and some arrows, along with your daggers and emergency pistol.

Ellie stood by a horse that you can only assume is hers, arms still crossed. You couldn't tell if she was cold or if she was just pissed off. "Got everything?" You nodded, watching her as she effortlessly got on the horse. "The stables are empty so...we're gonna have to share." She said awkwardly. "Oh..." You breathed out and attempted to climb on.

"Here, let me help." She extended out her hand and you reluctantly accepted it. All of this was so embarrassing. You have been on horses before and even grew up with them, but your injuries made it difficult to get on your own this time. Once you managed to get up Ellie signaled for the horse to take off. The jolt of movement caused you to instinctively grab onto her waist so you wouldn't fall off the damn thing.

Ellie couldn't help but feel a little smug about this situation, I mean, she had a pretty girl holding on to her for dear life. "So, I'm guessing that you never ride?" She called out to you.

"I ride a lot of things." You joked to ease how awkward this whole experience is, hearing a snort from Ellie. "Awful joke, new girl."

The scenery of this trail was absolutely beautiful, the lively green foliage was everywhere in this forest. It was well maintained—probably because of Ellie. "Wow..." You said in almost a whisper.

"What?" Ellie glanced around to make sure there was no danger.

"It's so...green."

"You don't have plants where you're from? They're everywhere. Literally."

"California is rarely this green. It's called the Golden State for a reason..." Mentioning the state where you're from sent you into a fight or flight state. The trauma you experienced was triggered just by thinking about your hometown.

"Mom? Are you okay?" Your mother was still...a little too still. She was standing over the dead body of your father. Her head turned to meet your eyes at the sound of your voice, her skin paler than usual and her mouth covered in blood. She was infected. Before you knew it, she was sprinting at you and thankfully your adrenaline kicked in.

She chased you out of the house and into the barn where you kept your livestock. The cows mooing at the sight of your uncharacteristically feral mother. She tried to hop the gates to get to the animals and you quickly grabbed the rake resting on the barn door, impaling her with it, the rake going through her neck with ease and the sound of her blood gurgling would be seared into your brain forever.

"Hey, you with me new girl?" Ellie's raspy voice broke you out of your flashback, your arms practically shaking around her torso. "Y-yeah...just...a bad memory."

"Do you...want to talk about it?" She suggested, not knowing if you would actually take her up on the offer or not. After all, you two had just met. "No. Sorry."

"Don't apologize. I totally get it." All of the stories Ellie kept secret would surprise you.

"Alright, this is far enough." She signaled for the horse to stop and helped you down off the saddle. "Stay here, Shimmer. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." You couldn't help but crack a slight smile at how Ellie communicates with her horse. The sight of her chiseled hand stroking Shimmer sent a shiver down your spine. God, how long has it been since you saw another mentally coherent hot person? Get it together.

She stepped away from the horse and ducked down behind some bushes, her rough hand grabbing your wrist and gently dragging you down to meet her level. "Hunters." She gestured towards the two men walking mindlessly along the trail. "Let's see what you can do."

You quietly take out the bow that you had packed earlier and a few arrows from your backpack. Your eyes fixated on the stalky blond man following a slightly shorter man, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. When the man in front of him bent down to tie his boots you took a deep breath to steady your hands and your mind. This is it. You released the arrow from your fingertips at the same time you released the air from your lungs. The arrow glided through the air before taking out the unknown man with a headshot. The sound of his body thudding to the ground sent the other man into a scared frenzy. "Where are you?! Come out here you coward!"

"Nice shot. Now him." Ellie watched you in awe as you loaded up another arrow, the first arrow hitting the hunter in the stomach and the second in the throat. "How's that?" You said quietly in case there were more enemies around. "Good. Really good actually." Her words made your cheeks flush. You were always a fan of words of affirmation and encouragement. "Looks like the coast is clear. Let's get back to the others."

             After everyone got back from their routes, you all decided to blow off some steam at the bar you were at just the night before. The charming place was lit up by fairy lights and candles to create ambient romantic lighting. It looked so beautiful. "Everyone, we finally have a competent person joining our patrols! Jesse, please don't sleep with her. Please. I beg." Ellie said to the tall dark-haired man with her hands held together like she was praying. "You know I can't make promises that I might not keep," Jesse said slyly before extending his hand for you to shake. You shook his hand politely and introduced yourself to everyone else.

An hour later you were slowly sipping at your whisky and started people watching. The last twenty-four hours had worn you out and it was nice to see so many people living...normally—or at least what would be considered normal now. Ellie was dancing with Dina, and you couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous at the sight of her cheeks getting flushed from having Dina's arms around her neck.

"Another drink?" Jesse chimed in, snapping you out of your jealous thoughts. "Trying to get me drunk?" You smirked at him before taking the drink from his hand.

"You caught me. That was my intention all along." He joked as he took a seat next to you at the bar. "So...wanna gossip? I know some pretty juicy stuff about almost everyone here." The offer did sound pretty tempting...

"Sure, I'll bite. What's going on with those two?" You gestured over towards Ellie and Dina. Jesse let out a prolonged sigh at the sight of the two of them. "Those two...a little bit of a will they won't they thing they have going on. I mean, I guess Ellie could use a win since she broke up with her last girlfriend." Girlfriend. That's promising at least.

"Do you know what happened between them?"

"No. Ellie is a closed book most of the time. You only know what she wants you to know." You nodded at his words and took another sip of your drink. The alcohol creates a warm pool in your stomach. "Dina on the other hand, we are kinda in an on-again-off-again relationship..."

"And right now you're...off?"

"Yeah..." Jesse looked at the floor to keep his eyes off the two of them. It was hard, he was friends with Ellie and his ex-girlfriend had an obvious crush on her.

"I feel like we're going to need another round of these." You say after taking one last sip from the clean glass and handing it to him. Jesse chuckled and went back to the bar to get more booze. If you were going to do what you had planned to do tonight, you needed more liquid courage to get over these nerves. It had been a long time since you had any affection and it seemed like Jesse would be able to give it to you. At least for the night.

So you went back to his place.

AHHHH omg there i finally posted something y’all. please let me know what you think!

dividers by cafekitsune <333

© vxnillavampir 2024 - don’t copy, steal, translate, repost, or plug any of my works into an ai.

[love-toxin]

ellie we literally can't talk abt pokemon without talking about miss rika,, i love her

OK BUT IM GLAD U SAID SMTHN CAUSE I'M OBSESSED LOWKEY.. .......WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO LOOK THIS GOOD......

Like. Effortlessly cool. Canon nickname-giver. I was going buckwild during her battle and I'm not even sorry about it. I could NOT stop thinking very unwholesome thoughts during her interview segment either......like......you can't put a woman in a suit at a desk across from me and not expect me to lose my damn MIND!!! I wanna piss her off just so she makes me pay for it, and dearly. I'M GONNA GO OFF UNDER THIS CUT AND I CANNOT BE STOPPED!!!

Bear with me on this train of thought here: imagine being a repeat challenger of the Championship Challenge. Your pokemon aren't bad (you don't think, anyways) and you've trained for hours and days on end to try and beat the Elite League, to the point of even begging the gym leaders for rematches to try and improve your skill or pick up some tip you didn't notice before. But without fail, every single time you try, you never end up getting past Rika--the first of the Elite Four, the easiest one to beat, is somehow so hard of a challenge that you stay awake at night wracking your brain for some strategy to beat her. Even worse is that you're older than half the kids that challenge the whole circuit, and you hate the feeling of all these ten year olds beating out your grown adult ass as they fly by each challenge while you're left crawling.

You can't just build a whole new team to counter her alone, or else you'll just get crushed by the others. You can't build a new team period unless you wanna put off claiming that Champion title until you're geriatric, so you're kinda screwed from both angles. And the worst part? The main reason why you keep failing is because every time you get a new strategy--have your pokemon learn new moves, train them up, swap out one pokemon for another--she somehow one ups you the next time you go to challenge her again. Like she has some kind of insane bug planted in your cellphone or something where she can hear everything you say, because how in the world does she keep coming up with new counters every time you try? Sometimes she even has new pokemon altogether, which from the accounts of other people who have tried it, is almost unheard of for the Elite Four to switch up their teams so often. Or at all!

The answer comes when you finally hit a wall. You're sure you've come up with the best counter to her moves, that your pokemon are all well-equipped to withstand whatever she decides to throw at you this time--and despite all that, you lose again. Badly, this time.

So for the first time, you ask her outright. How do you keep beating me? And although she puts on that lazy tone as she chuckles back "You just aren't paying enough attention, sweetheart" when she's met with a cold stare, her lips finally seem to loosen as she flashes you a smirk.

She admits that she likes watching you squirm. She saw that look on your face the first time--the only time she's legitimately beat you--and she couldn't believe how satisfying it was. Maybe she just doesn't best nearly as many trainers as her tougher counterparts, but something about the slump of your particular shoulders and the pout on your perfect lips is the reason why she refuses to budge and let you slip by. Really, it's not as sinister of a reason that you expected--she just made very careful decisions about each change she made, and followed your trail of logic to make sure she stayed one step ahead of you, and you in particular. In fact, there's probably been more people than ever that have gotten past her since she first battled you, since she's paid all her attention to blocking you alone. And as shocking as it is to hear her freely admit that, you still have some residual frustration from being bested again that you can only work up the smallest, crudest words as an answer.

"You're mean." You huff, pouting once more and shoving your arms across your chest. You'd stomp your foot if you didn't know she'd tease you for it, cause you'd look like even more of a petulant child than you already do, but you really are that mad. Isn't that against League rules, or something?!

"Poor baby...I'd feel worse if you didn't look so cute, honestly. My bad, bunny." Nooooo, no, you can not fold under that cheesy smile and the softness twinging that nickname. She will not, you repeat, not use those charming good looks and that undeniable tension you've felt between you two to seduce you....even though you've kinda dreamed of that. You didn't exactly spend all those restless nights just thinking about her battling style, after all...."You want Rika to make you feel better, honey bunny?"

You're not even sure how she got so close, how her hand is on your arm now, stroking her leather-clad fingers up and down your skin while she maneuvers herself to slide in behind you. She's still gentle, careful, touch light enough that you could brush it off if you wanted--but you instead find yourself slowly leaning into it, nuzzling into her lips as she presses kisses to your temple and coos at your sweetness, how you feel so soft and warm against her. Angelic, more like, you're as precious as an angel aren't you? You hate that you squirm at that compliment, looking up towards the ceiling to try and wipe that giddy, small smile that's creeping across your lips away. It doesn't hold though, you can't keep the charade up forever--eventually you're wiggling a little more into her, teasing at the possibility of her getting a little more unprofessional than she already has been in secret. And finally, you get what you want out of it. You get her low, smooth voice in your ear, a slight rasp to her last few words as she grips your hips hard enough to hear the leather stretch.

"I'll take my gloves off for this 'match', kay? And let's find somewhere a little more private....I think you'll enjoy it more if you can go all out, honey."

[ramonag-if]

I just had to tell you. The way you write family angst? Akin to how our old pal Da Vinci wields a paintbrush. Masterfully.

When Ahlf died? I was gutted. Genuinely. I'd been watching him and MC interact, holding out hope that they'd one day get to form a... warmer father-child relationship. Then he died. MC watched him die. I watched him die. I MC was so devastated, I MC called Crown's name stupid (Sorry, Crown. You too, Irus). Let it be noted that I'd been playing the shy/sincere MC till then. I was so gutted, MC moped/angsted all the way to the temple, while I sat there internally blubbering over the loss of MC's grumpy, emotionally unavailable, father.

(In case it hasn't been made clear yet, I also have father issues in the spades).

(Also, MC recovered their shy/sincere nature eventually. And became absolutely besotted with Irus. He obviously already knew, but still. Don't tell him that.)

(You can bet that I MC took all the chances to mourn/blubber over Ahlf whenever the chance came up, though. Those chances did come up frequently enough, now that I think about it. That moment when MC goes through Ahlf's box of letters in his room at Ellie's castle, mourning him and whatnot. Thanks for that, by the way. Really. I'm glad you didn't gloss over the persisting, subtle ache that comes with loss, which so many stories seem to do.)

Then, Salyra. Mama. MC had thought she was dead. I was convinced she was dead. So, seeing her alive and well and with a whole new husband and child to boot was. Wow.

By then, I had already fully immersed into the story. And while I don't see MC as myself, rather as an odd extension of my soul that I'm watching like some omniscient being who has nothing better to do with their time, I was, well.

Gutted. Again. And MC, too.

I MC's been going back and forth between being uncertain or bitterly angry for a while now. And Maybe accidentally gave Rana a Mean Look while still reeling over how Salyra was alive, with a new family.

When Salyra protected Rana from MC's Big Bad Stare and gave MC a disappointed look? Wow. Delicious scene. MC damn near imploded into a very sad confetti of abandonment and bitterness anger, but I really have to admit. That was peak writing and character interaction right there.

The best thing? None of the characters were demonized for all the things they'd done wrong. Not Ahlf, not Salyra, not MC. They were so human, in their actions and reactions and emotions and tears. You can hate them, you can love them, you can feel nothing about them, but they weren't just characters with an 'MC's parents: kind of really bad at it' label tacked on. They were characters made human, fleshed out and alive and raw.

Which is why it makes it hurt so much more. Makes all the family angst hurt so, so much more.

And I'm all for that, obviously.

Ah, and a special mention! The scene where MC just hugs Irus for comfort after another showdown with Salyra? Spectacular. Outstanding. Covering your arm with gold star stickers as we speak. I have to admit, I damn near melted at that scene. They're so cute. God.

Aaand after that long, long spiel that was definitely just 90% rambling, I'm bringing whatever this mess is to a close. So, Ra; (can I call you that? It sounds cool) thank you for bringing this story into existence, and for sharing it with us all. It was a lovely, beautiful experience, and I'm excited to see what lies ahead in this bloody wild ride you're taking us all on. You're awesome. Once again, thank you!!

Ah, thank you so much! 😭💖 Your message just made me smile like a fool! I don't think I'm anywhere near Da Vinci levels in writing family angst, so it means a lot to me that you enjoyed what I've written so far.

I felt really bad at the way Ahlf died, but his death had been planned long before Chapter 1 had been written. His death was supposed to be less dramatic than the way he went, but as I do try to remind readers, I'm a pantser opposed to a planner when writing so I rarely stick to my chapter outlines and will usually just go with my gut 😅 Ahlf's death really set the tone for the rest of the game, so I'm glad you enjoyed all the small moments to simply mourn his death. I knew that I was going into IF the way I normally write books - emotions are valued over branching/plot points.

Salyra was never going to be this complicated. She wasn't going to be married with another child either 😅 I obviously ignored plans and went right ahead into Angst Central, because I kept questioning Salyra as a mother and the person she would have become in the absence of Ahlf and the MC and suddenly, she was very complicated and brought a lot of baggage.

It was definitely important to showcase that it isn't all good and bad with Ahlf and Salyra. I know neither of them is perfect - no parent is perfect though they are quite far from that bar of being good parents 😬 You'll always get the choice to feel as you feel and the characters will always respond to your MC's choices. I do prefer the emotional development of the characters to the external factors, so glad you're feeling it too!

I actually enjoyed the scene where the MC cries into the ROs shoulder opposed to the hug. But that's just me, being an emotional wreck of a person when playing IF 😅

Please feel free to call me whatever you want 😋 I am quite liking Ra because Ra is my favourite Egyptian god and from my many nicknames over the years, I've never been called Ra before 😂

Thank you again for your support and kind words! I really do appreciate it 💖 It really makes writing the game worthwhile and pushes me to continue writing it.

[et-cant-phone-home-no-signal]

The Last of Us HBO - Episode 3 thoughts

Warning: Pure yapping ahead again! You know the drill, it's my thoughts, things I've noticed and things I've enjoyed watching the show. It's not that serious, and I don't invite arguments (fellow yappers however are heartily welcome)

(and we're back with another episode analysis! this is a fucking long one folks, they seem to keep getting more and more. i had a lot of feelings watching this episode, especially as a young queer person, it's very special to me and i'm very pleased with the way it was written and performed. A* performance all around imo. as usual, spoilers below the cut)

Could write a whole ass essay on Joel's hands but I'll keep it simple - hands that break bone and kill men are also capable of softness and grief, capable of destruction as well as creation. This opening moment is so poignant and beautiful, god bless - Tess deserves more than a cairn but that's all Joel can do, so he does it - this is Joel saying "I'm sorry, you should still be here and it's my fault"

The gentle music

I've noticed that Joel is very snatchy, he snatches and grabs things often (throwback to me noticing he's a twitchy man in the episode 2 thoughts)

Ellie having Joel's jacket over her legs to keep her warm :')

The way he grabs one tiny bit of jerky, then throws the rest to Ellie, fuck

Ooooh Ellie confrontating Joel with the "look this wasn't my fault", I like it tbh, she's right and he had to hear that cause he's the kind of person to hold a grudge and also blame himself at the same time

First mention of Joel's head scar let's go, planting the question that won't be answered properly for some time ("Someone shot at me and missed." ... "No, I missed too." 🤌🙌)

"You ask a lot of goddamned questions." "Yes, I do 🌸✨"

The return of - "Is there anything bad in here?" "Just you." "Ah. Getting funnier."

Joel's quiet "fuck" cause he can't remember where he stashed his shit is so real, he's so me

Love the little moment of her excitement at finding a pack of unopened tampons - teenage girls in the apocalypse gotta do what they gotta do

I so wonder what's going on in her head during this scene

Totally awesome makeup and prosthetics

Ellie, my darling, you're channeling child psychopath right now (but also I too feel curious as fuck and seeing the fucking growth under the skin being purely cordyceps is so gross and awesome)

Can now come up with a few ideas of what was going on in her head when she stabs it

The concern in Joel's voice, the nonchalant way she saunters out with the tampons 🤌

Also love the constant theme of Ellie suggesting/asking/pushing for a gun and Joel always saying no

Ellie's fascination for things that we take for granted - flying in a plane

"I thought you went to school." "FEDRA school. They don't teach us how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic." REAL SO REAL

Info dump love it let's gooo

Joel's little pause on pancake mix...

I really love that even though Joel still sees her as a burden and nothing more than cargo, he still wants to protect her from the nasty shit, he doesn't want a child to see whatever is up there - and Ellie's "well now I have to see" is so fucking childish, she suffers the consequences of that decision but it's a beautiful storytelling mechanism

It's such a terrible visual, all of these old dry bones, 2 decades old, none of them died of infection, no, they died by human hands

The transition 😭😭😭😭 the fabrics cutting to the people IN the fabrics - a fucking mother and her tiny baby I am in TEARS

Great introduction to Bill and great first line, "not today you new world order jackboot fucks" 💅👏

The details of the following shots - the gun wall, guns & ammo magazine, big bottles of sulfuric acid, ammo, the sub basement in a general shot and small things to notice (taxidermied animal in the left bottom corner, everything meticulously ordered on the shelves, the screen setup)

Genuinely think it's hilarious that the sub basement is hidden under a TRUNK and Bill steps out with a gasmask on and hunting rifle cocked, he's such a funny sight and Nick Offerman does a fantastic job just in this first part already - it's so video game coded tbh

The music swell into a montage (let's be honest) of him doing his little doomsday prep shit is fantastic - the mix of totally fucking apeshit stuff (setting boobytraps and fences) added with super domestic stuff (growing his own veggies and rearing chickens) is so amusing

The remote controls 😭 I remember, we had a TV like that when I was a kid

The 'dont tread on me' flag is an interesting and noteworthy thing to mention - I know some about it but I had to Google for more information on it, and it makes sense that Bill would have a flag like that in his home

"Are you armed?" ".... No." "Why did you take that long to answer?" "I don't know, I thought about lying for some reason, but a reason didn't come." Amazing introduction

The fact that Frank bears his neck just a little to let Bill test him, even though he's clearly nervous

Cheeky man shooting his shot with the "I'm really hungry" line, he could tell immediately he could try this with Bill

The whole Arby's line followed by the Arby's was never free 😂💀

I think this is the moment Frank truly began to clock that he and Bill are cut from the same cloth, it's such a nothing but everything moment

I think it's so amusing that Bill has such a lovely house and has been living there successfully for 4 years in the outbreak so far, but there's dust fucking all over the dressers and shit 😂😭 man doesn't have cleaning on his priority list and I can see Frank thinking "damn he needs someone else here huh"

God they're so awkward 😩💕

Frank's SMILE, the way he looks at Bill like he just gave him the world - Murray Bartlett god bless you

The way Frank doesn't even wait one second, he fucking digs in immediately, yeah I believe u haven't eaten in 2 days hun

But look how delicate he holds the cutlery, he's someone who probably used to enjoy living decently and enjoyed good food before it all went to shit - he clearly loves the food (yeah he's hungry but that's the kind of "damn this is restaurant level" reaction you'd expect on something like masterchef), and his excitement at the wine is fucking adorable

"A man who knows to pair rabbit with a Beaujolais." "I know I don't seem like the type." " No, you do." HELP

Frank stop bullying the poor man's music sheet collection lmao

So I didn't know Linda Ronstadt before this at all, so I googled her and listened to some of her music - it's very nice, though not something I could really stick myself into, it's more like nice music to just have playing in the background whilst I'm working personally - but I do just so love that the characters can have a connection over it. That's one of the great joys of music

Bill standing in the back, wringing his hands because damn Frank, you're kinda butchering it lmao

Oh this song means something so much more

"There is no girl." "I know." sobbing

Same-sex marriage wasn't legal in Massachusetts until 2004, so they never got to know legal and safe love and still, here they are 😭 I'm in my feels over this because these men never got to be safe and out, they never got to be open with their relationships, and now they've found each other in a broken fucked up world that doesn't given a shit who you are, it will just try to kill you regardless

This kiss means so much to me - oh Bill 😭

Both of them with wet eyes, overwhelmed with emotion, and Frank asks "what's your name?" I'm so deceased

This is the softest most natural and sweet non explicit sex scene I've ever watched. I watched this with my mum and not once did I feel embarrassed, both of us thought it was a beautiful moment and very human - Bill has never had the opportunity to be with a man before, he's what, in his late 30s? Early 40s? And Frank is so non-judgemental over this lack of experience. He knows, he gets it, he understands. This whole scene is just soft, gentle and brought me to tears. This is the kind of queer representation I've been yearning for in mainstream media and it's so rare to find 🙌

Skip to 3 years on and it's a lovers quarrel, so fucking real

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. I live in this world, you live in a psycho bunker where 9/11 was an inside job, and the government are all Nazis." "THE GOVERNMENT ARE ALL NAZIS!" BE SO FOR REAL (I can't believe this is real script I'm vibrating with joy) - they've clearly had discussions like this before because Frank just goes straight to threatening to off himself which I find hysterical

They have such different love languages - Frank is an artist, he cares about small details, Bill is more practical, he'll cook and protect but so help him if you wanna use resources for something he seems frivolous

The angry "you WHAT!?" immediately cutting to Frank, Bill, Tess and Joel eating lunch outside is *chef's kiss*

💕✨Tess✨💕 I love you so much

Frank and Tess: 🥰✨🌸

Bill and Joel: 💀🔪⚠️

"I understand. If my, uh... If mine, brought strangers into our situation, I wouldn't be happy either." Oh Joel,,,,,

I love how even though this is 7 years into the cordyceps pandemic, you can see Joel is so similar to the 20 year mark, "get that gun outta my face", like yeah you tell him

I do adore the total lack of judgement from Joel (and Tess) that Bill and Frank are together, cause he clearly knows but it just doesn't bother him. Ally behaviour ✨ (does Joel give bi energy? discuss)

Why does Joel's warning feel like a prelude

Crying at two men eating fresh strawberries wasn't on my 2024 bingo card, but here I am, sobbing my eyes out with joy at these two - their giggles and pure joy at eating something they haven't had in like 10 years, the shared love and contentment in that hazy evening sun, the way Frank grabs onto Bill and just holds his arm in his,,,, I'm just such a mess

"I'm sorry." "For what?" "Getting older faster than you." "Ah, I like you older. Older means we're still here." 😭😭😭💕

"I was never afraid before you showed up." Fucking stop it oh my god

"Not on the strawberries!" Yeah that got me chuckling too

I fucking KNEW it, people are the worst, Joel was right

I just noticed Frank is wearing house slippers in this scene oh my god

Wish we'd gotten a little scene of Bill teaching Frank to shoot, could you imagine?

I like that even though Bill is in excruciating pain and thinks he's dying, he still wants Frank to be safe and insists he calls Joel, and isn't that also something? That at this point Joel is a safe enough person for him to even consider that the most important thing

The cut to 2023, seeing them Old and Frank basically immobile,,,, yeah that stings

Gonna note down my love for the costume, makeup, hair and set departments here for this episode - they aged these two so well, their clothes suit them, and the small gradual changes in decorating and scenery (in and outside the house) are seen and appreciated immensely

Paint used to be a frivolity, now Frank's paintings are everywhere <3

The wink had me giggling, they're so cute

Love is cutting your partner's food, giving them a cup with a straw because it's easier for them, helping with their medication, sitting next to them because each other is all that matters - love is staying with your partner and helping them into their bed because they can't do it themselves anymore

The painting of Bill in their bedroom :')

The certainty when Frank says this is his last day.... It's so painful but I'm also so glad he has the choice, that he's deciding that this is it - it's better than what most people get

Bill crying is 😭😭 he needs Frank

Love this realistic speech from Frank here - no, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it was still fucking decent and that's what matters

I cannot describe the noise I made when he talked about getting married

"Do you love me?" "Yes." Bill's face, yes of course he fucking does Frank, he'd do anything for you - but he needs this guidance, one more time

When "On the Nature of Daylight" started playing, I shit you not, I had a damn near meltdown and mum made me pause the show because I started to get so damn upset. That song is fairly overused for these kind of sad scenes and situations, but fuck, does it get me every single time

Getting married by the piano :') the law may not have recognised them but fuck the law in a lawless world, be happy

The same meal as the first one they had together 😭 the same reaction just toned down my god

My mum already suspected that Bill had spiked the whole bottle, but I was naïve and it shocked me when Bill chugged his own glass and Frank asked - oddly, I agree with Frank, that's the most romantic shit ever

Bill's speech guys come on I'm only a little queer in a big world and these old men have my heart and soul

I love that their bedroom moved from upstairs to downstairs, necessary detail but important regardless

Joel knows the door pin 🙌

Clearly some time has gone since they died cause there's dust everywhere, the flowers are dead and the food is mouldy (I'd guess at least a month, judging off of the visual evidence and also the fact that the radio was blasting 80s when they left Boston)

A part of me is sad Ellie never got to meet Bill and Frank, I bet Frank would have immediately taken a shine to her. They'd have been the slighty psycho gay uncles and aided Ellie in her lesbian ways (ooc? Probably idc)

The fact that it's 'to whomever, but probably Joel', mmmmyeah, not even Tess, no, Joel

A date! August 29th, when did they leave Boston??? (Found out they literally left on the same date what the hell Craig Mazin are you trying to kill me)

The way Ellie reads the laughter caught me off guard and I choked

Bill's letter breaks my heart, truly, so telling of Joel and Bill's character

'use them to keep Tess safe' yeah, it's okay, it's not like my heart was already ripped out anyways

Joel scrunching the letter,,, I get it

"What you say goes." YEAHHH glad they kept that

"Dude." "No." the ongoing gun debate is still funny

Seeing Ellie grab the toilet paper had me flash backing into 2020 *shudders* dark times

Ellie getting excited about a hot shower, immediately saying Joel needs to cause he stinks, mwah

THE SHIRT, IT'S ELLIE'S SHIRT YEAHH GO COSTUME DEPARTMENT

Gun = acquired (and immediately hidden)

"Well don't you look pretty!" "Shut up."

Joel is wearing Frank's shirt 😭

Joel with slicked back wet hair....... Yeah

My girl has no clue how cars work and I love that

Joel likes Linda Ronstadt :')

Close on their open window, with the first song Bill and Frank shared together, yeah I'm fine haha

I think my favourite thing about this episode is that it's the opposite of 'bury your gays'. These gays got to live their lives and grow old together. They got to love, and adore, and enjoy life together for 16 years. 16!! They died on their own terms, having lived happily in relative safety together, and that's fucking beautiful.

What a read, thanks if you made it to the end! this episode grabbed me by the balls and hasn't let go, so i apologise for the severe rambling of this post, like i say, it's just my running thought process. Do you agree with some of my notes, was there anything you noticed that i didn't? Comments and reblogs welcome <3

Episode 1 thoughts:

Episode 2 thoughts:

[vivgst]

There are some that sound kinda funny but yeah, they can be used as a character name

THIS BITCH was my worst nightmare, felt like crying everytime it appeared on dinosaur king

Ugh yes, and there is also a lot of misinformation and websites full of viruses or advertising

I'll look it up, was it on YouTube?

Why? do you speak too fast?

and yeah go ahead but can ppl post recordings here?

omfg there's a tuxedo version of it how cuteeee<333

whattt? I'll def watch the whole movie again bc I can't remember him singing the song

I know girl in Ipanema because of law and order by the way

Ay no:( that's genuinely so sad, I hate it. It's terrible here because there are no laws even for us humans, people do what they want with pets, I have seen dogs on terraces, the poor animals cannot hide from the sun or the rain. I said the next damn time I saw a dog tied up or on a terrace I was going to steal it and I fucking will idc

Well, but it happens with English too, right? Well I understand that it is not as common as with French or Spanish

Have you played or watched tlou gameplays? The story looks good, the only character I remember is Ellie tho, uh and Abby I think

Oh right, I always confuse L with Light, I was about to tell you that L is my favorite character but it's Light

I would like to be an animal with wings but I am a damn coward so I would be terrified of being too far from the ground. I could be something like a sloth bear but I wouldn't like to be an animal that could be eaten or have to run for its life, it must be damn exhausting, wolves or polar bears seem too dominant for my liking and I'm too damn lazy to go through life hunting animals or being ferocious, snakes are fine but they are too misunderstood and people hate them, just like rats, not to mention flies or mosquitoes. Hmmm, I would never be an animal that lives in the water because I am terrified of the sea, river or whatever thing with water.

People hunt birds, I wouldn't want to be a pet because I hate depending on someone and there are stupid humans who can't afford to have pets and still have them. The capybaras look good, they are calm and all the other animals seem to leave them alone but I want to be a beautiful and big animal without the hassle of being a carnivore, plus blood stinks and I hate meat.

I think I would be some forest animal that can hide or live in trees and eat their fruits, far, VERY far from humans because I don't wanna be eaten or hunted by some pretentious mf.

Oh my god, I wrote a damn essay explaining to you what animal I would want to be, I'm sorry lmao, I like the topic

Uhm… it depends, if we talk about Latin America I would like to go to Mexico, Argentina (my sister lives there), the Dominican Republic and Brazil, if I had to choose then it would be between Mexico and Brazil. I went to Colombia last year and I loved it, I didn't want to leave.

Now Europe it could be Greece or Slavic countries, uh… Germany could also be but I don't know, Europe doesn't attract my attention too much.

In Asia it can be Korea, China, India looks nice too.

Egypt is a fucking dream for me but my friends say that it is hell and that there is too much pollution and to tell the truth I am very bad at traveling, I need to be surrounded by comforts or I panic.

I would like to go to Los Angeles, to cities that tend to be very busy in general, I don't like towns, I am fascinated by cities that don't rest.

I wanted to go to Las Vegas until I started watching videos of people showing how strange the city is and how it looks like a fake city and now I'm scared???

Oh and New orleans fuckkkkk, one of my friends is from new orleans, he always send me pics, everything looks beautiful wtf

My cousins ​​are from Florida and everything looks very nice but there are crocodiles, what the fuck? I hate them

Okay now it's your turn to respond and I want eight damn paragraphs like the ones I wrote jajajsksjsa

procrastinating here!! Don't mind me if i bug your inbox random confession, I had my hair cut for like a few months now (it's in a boyish type of cut) It's kind of rare but I always enjoy when people go like "wtf is that a guy??" and then they're like "oh shit no, it's a woman" I don't think Ill ever go back to long hair man, it's too hard to take care of (props to the people who can and do)

It's six in the afternoon and I just woke up and I'm shaking like a crackhead because it's been too many hours without drinking water or eating, helppppp.

I love when I see very androgynous people and I don't know if they are women, men or neither <33333 I think it's cool

And yessss, my hair goes past my hips and I love it but it is a job to take care of it and it's especially uncomfortable because it is very hot in my country.

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

You're not listening. The raya thing was not what she was canceled for. SEAsians and Asians called her out on how she addressed it and instead of listening she called us crazies and associated us with White woke people. And then that is what got us mad but instead of apologizing she doubled down and canceled herself. She did not apologize she just took the "well I'm sorry if you were offended" route. That video? Yeah it was nothing but "I wasn't being racist and besides it was mostly white people complaining". She took so many of our actual points and manipulated them or just flat out ignored us. This wasn't even for the Asian community but for Black and Native Americans she has dismissed in the past. If you like her, go ahead. But a lot of us are tired of White women doing this crap to us

sigh......

I am also an Asian. We are not a monolith so I can’t speak for what you were or were not offended by, but to read the original raya tweet, and even her reply afterward, as “associating asians with white woke people” is the most bad faith take I have heard. Sarcasm exists and she was being sarcastic when she referred to people as “crazies.” That isn’t even an offensive term and to view it as offensive you have to have either been expecting her to spout racist bullshit even before you read her tweet or have read it 80 times trying to look for anything at all to “cancel” her for.

Did you watch her video? Did you listen to anything she said at all or is “listen” just a catchphrase you use to dismiss other people’s arguments when you don’t want to refute them? She apologized for what she needed to apologize for. There was nothing to “call her out” on for the Raya thing so she doesn’t need to apologize for that. She was being racist in some places which she acknowledged and apologized for, and wasn’t being racist in other places. If you want ppl to take accountability for being racist then you must listen to them when they address your accusations, whether it’s to defend themselves (because wrongful accusations do happen!) or to apologize.

She didn’t “do any crap” to you.  The raya thing was not “dismissive of asians”, and should not have been the start of this wave of controversy. If you genuinely care about her apologizing for being dismissive of other poc in the past then you would have messaged her in private and explained, politely and logically, where she did wrong. (She may not have replied anyway bc of all the non-constructive hate she was getting but adding to that hate doesn’t help anyone)

Ellis was cancelled because people didn’t like her take on raya, full stop. And because people on tumblr, twitter, instagram, etc. don’t know how to dislike/disagree with someone without making it into a moral crusade, they twisted it into an accusation that she was being dismissive of asian-centered stories, and was therefore being racist towards asians. And everyone knew that that accusation was so flimsy that they started digging up old offensive stuff that ellis did in the past (some over a decade ago! again! people change and lindsay certainly has!), a lot of which ellis has already addressed, if not apologized for in the past. But I guess even though yall say “all she had to do was take responsibility and apologize” you won’t leave her alone when she does just that because you guy just want an excuse to harrass someone off twitter and pat yourselves on the back for getting rid of another “secret racist.”

Anyway, if you do actually want to discuss this with me, please message me off anon. I don’t want this kind of discourse to fill my blog, nor do I think my followers will want to see it. If you have evidence more recent than a decade ago of ellis doing something problematic that deserves cancellation, then tell me about it and I will consider it. However, implying that you’re a poc who’s been victimized by ellis to strengthen your argument does not gain sympathy from me, another poc who was offended by ellis’s older works but accepted her apologies on this.

[myhockeyworld87]

Ruined - Jamie Benn - Part 4

Word Count: 8,133

POV: Jamie and then switches to reader

Warnings: Language, small amount of smut so we will say NSFW

Notes: This is hell long, I’m sorry. I don’t normally write chapter/parts this long, so don’t get used to it, because I’m sure it won’t last...haha! At any rate here we go with Part 4. As always I love your feedback, both good and bad, so hit me with it. Happy Reading! Also (Y/NN) = Your Nickname (Y/LN) = Your Last Name

Ruined Masterlist

 JAMIE POV

 Five days, that's how long it was until you saw (Y/N) again. Well, it was four days, sixteen hours, twenty-two minutes, and forty-two seconds, give or take a second or two. And why did you know the exact time, only because you'd been counting the hours since she left Jordie and Jessi's house. The dinner party had gone great, at least you thought it had, but then you hadn't seen her since then; not even a glimpse of her outside in the backyard or pulling into the driveway. It was maddening or maybe it was just you slowly going insane as every little noise outside had you wandering over to the window to check and see if it was her. It hadn't taken much to convince your brother to throw a dinner party on short notice, in an excuse so you could see (Y/N), but now that you had, there was just this overwhelming need to see more and more of her.

 Now, here you were, just four days, sixteen hours, twenty-four minutes, and sixteen seconds from seeing her again. She was to be at the practice center at four-thirty today, so that someone, that someone being you, of course, could show her around the facility. You stood back a bit, staring at the entrance doors just waiting for her to walk in. And then she did. She looked radiant. Dressed in a simple navy pantsuit with a pair of high heels that clicked across the floor, she made her way to the front desk. Instead of rushing out to greet her, you headed back to the locker room, where you knew the receptionist would usher her back to you.

 Your palms were sweating and suddenly you felt unsure of yourself. What if she was only playing nice at Jordie's and really didn't want to be around you? But that didn't explain how she'd laughed and reminisced with you about different things. That laugh, you knew it was a genuine one, for you heard it so many times in your dreams you had it memorized. God, you hoped you could make her laugh like that again today.

 You could hear her heels on the floor, so you busied yourself with one of your sticks retaping the blade, even though it didn't need it. "The team captain is in there, Miss. If you need anything just let me know." You heard the door open and then turned around.

 "Jamie?"

 "Oh hey (Y/NN)," you tried to sound casual as if her simply being in the same room as you didn't send your heart beating into overdrive.

 "I guess I didn't realize you were the team's captain."

 "Yeah, have been for a few years now." Your heart sank a bit in the knowledge that she hadn't really followed your career except to know where you were, so she could avoid you.

 "Well that's…," she stumbled on her words which was unusual for her and you wondered if she was as affected by you as you were by her, or if it was just her disdain for you, and that she hated to give you any amount of praise. "That's really amazing. Your coaches and team must really hold you in high regard."

 "I'd like to think so." You finally abandoned the stick that didn't need taping, leaning it against the wall before turning your attention back to (Y/N). "Anyhow, I guess I'm your tour guide today." She gave a weak smile and a simple head nod, which was not encouraging to say the least. "So, how about we get started? If you want you can leave your stuff in here, no one will bother it." She'd been carrying her medical bag and a few other things, but she handed them over to you and you set them in your stall. "Well, as you can see this is our practice locker room, pretty basic. I thought we'd start with a tour of the entire place before I show you the training room."

 The two of you headed down the hallway and back out to the lobby. "Obviously, you came in this way, but I'll show you the entrance you can use in the future. We're pretty much contained to this side of the building as you can see, but when practices are open, people can come and watch." You showed her the rink, from seat level, then headed back out. "This is the club lounge, if there's ever an event here where we aren't skating we use one of the boxes up there. You're more than welcome to as well."

 "I have to say this is kind of elaborate for a practice rink."

 "A bit."

 "I was expecting metal bleachers and…well, I don't know. I feel like this is more like the arena and then a practice rink."

 You chuckled, for you kind of thought the same thing, the first time you came here. Now you barely even noticed it. "Well, the boards are the same as the AAC, but other than that it's very different."

 "AAC?"

 "American Airlines Center," you hadn't realized you shortened the name. "Sorry about that. I think we're scheduled to tour that on Wednesday." It gave you another opportunity to be with her.

 "Yes, I have that on my calendar, but was going to see if we could change that." You supposed there was your answer about her wanting to be in the same room as you. "Dr. Ellis has a patient that needs a knee arthroplasty and he asked if I'd show him the technique I've been using. Less evasive and I'm having great success with cutting the healing time by half." Oh, so it was a medical thing, whatever an arthroplasty was. "If we could push it back a bit that would be great, if not maybe we could look at another time."

 "I'll work around your schedule, it's not a problem." If it meant spending more time with her you'd go to any lengths that you had to.

 "Thanks, if we could maybe make for like three in the afternoon instead of noon that will give me plenty of time because I have a feeling, he'll want me to sit in on his other two surgeries he has scheduled that day."

 "Not a problem." You took out your phone and made the change in your calendar. Thankfully, you didn't really have anything after practice that day but giving her the tour. "Shall we continue then?" She smiled, and it made your heart feel light. You took her to the offices next. "Down this hallway is pretty much everyone that works for the Stars; PR, accounting, our GM, our owner. You'll pretty much find them here." You stopped in front of a door and then opened it up. "This office is for you." It had a great view, well as much of a view as any of them had, but it really was a nice place for her to work.

 "Umm…this won't do."

 You blinked at her a couple times, there was really nothing wrong with the room. Everything in there was modern with state-of-the-art equipment. "What's wrong with it?" The words came out a little harsher than you intended but you really couldn't see her problem.

 "Well for starters, we're on the what, the third floor? And I believe the locker room and training room are on the first." You gave a confused look as this was Dr. Lundin's old office and he never been concerned about it being where it was. "It's just if I'm going to be working on you…well not you, but any of you. I need to be near you. I can be at ice level during practices, but if I'm treating you, my office should be closer to the ice." Well, you couldn't really argue with that. "Also, there's no exam table in here. I get that I'll be doing most things in your training room, but there may be times when I'll need you to stop in to look over something, or what if one of you need to see me about something private."

 She had a point, though none of you had ever really gone to Dr. Lundin like that. Come to think of it, he wasn't really around that much. He more or less made recommendations on where you should go if you had a problem. He wasn't necessarily the doctor to fix you. Seems like (Y/N) planned on being more hands-on, and you were ok with that. "You make a good point. Give me a second." You stepped out of the room and called the Jim Nill, the general manager. You weren't sure he was the man to go to, but you knew he'd be there in the building at least and could possibly offer a solution. It was a short phone call, as you expressed (Y/N)'s concerns. Jim was happy to help and said that he'd get someone on moving her downstairs to one of the spare rooms that housed equipment at the moment. "All set. They're going to move you down next to the training room. It might take a few days to get in the stuff you want, but if you make a list, we'll leave it at the front desk and make sure it gets taken care of."

 "Thank you, Jamie. I really appreciate you doing that."

 Her praise was like music to your ears, you could remember the days when you'd have a good game and she would go on and on about how well you played and you'd literally soak up every word that came out of her mouth. "No problem, guess we should head down there then." You showed her the room, which she seemed pleased with, then took her over to the training room. A couple of the trainers were still in there from practice, so you introduced her to them.

 "I hate to be a pain in the ass but would any of you mind if I changed the set up here. I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I just see a few things that could make this more efficient."

 "Sure, go ahead," Dave, the head trainer told her.

 "So, see these units right here. They would work so much better if you had them in between the training tables. That way two guys can be on the machine at the same time."

 "Oh, I see what you're saying." They went to move the equipment, it looked heavy so you helped as well. (Y/N) was opening up cabinets and taking things out, then moving them to other ones.

 "Is the AAC," she looked over as you to confirm she'd said that right. "Setup like this as well."

 "Pretty much," Dave told her.

 "Could we make these changes there as well?" They seemed to be a bit annoyed, but she wasn't deterred. "Bear with me for a moment. Say Jamie has a cut to his eye that needs to be stitched." She looked at you to play the part.

 "Ow my eye," your acting was horrible and they all laughed.

 "When he comes into the room, we take him right to the nearest table, which is here." You sat down where she gestured. "It's obvious, he needs stitches, but the medical cabinet is all the way over on the other side of the room, and by the time we get there, look for what we need then come back we've waist two minutes of playing time and we don't even have a single stitch that we need in." She was making a lot of sense. "If we had our sterile supplies here, and then individually marked and put in like this." She rearranged the cabinet as she talked. "Then when Jame comes in with the cut. We can assess it and stitch him up in no time."

 "Makes sense," Dave agreed. "I'll get to work on changing the AAC as well." He and the other trainer were done for the day and said their goodbyes before heading out.

 "Hey Jame," you noticed she'd started using your nickname and you weren't upset about it. "Could you move this table over to here?"

 "No problem."

 "Is something wrong?"

 Quite the opposite actually, you thought today was going pretty well. "Um, no why?"

 "You're favoring your right shoulder. I saw you do it earlier."

 "Oh, I think I just slept wrong on it or something." Well tossed and turned on it was more like it, as thoughts of her pervaded your mind.

 "Sit." It was a command and one that you were not to argue with. She came up behind you then, her hands going on your shoulders, kneading and massaging your shoulders and for a moment it felt like heaven, just having her hands on you again. Then she pushed down hard on a particular spot and you winced. "Tender?"

 "A bit."

 She came around in front of you and stepped in between your legs. "This might hurt a little." Hurt? God, she was killing you at the moment, as her body was almost pressed intimately up against yours. You willed your growing erection to calmed down, but apparently, it had a mind of its own. She moved your arm in a weird position, then pressed down almost under your armpit but not quite. (Y/N) was right, it did hurt a tiny bit, and you grunted at the pain. "Sorry." She went back to kneading your muscles, while you caught the scent of her perfume, or maybe it was just her, either way, it intoxicated you. You closed your eyes inhaling deeply, willing your body under control. You'd give anything at that moment to just wrap her in your arms and press her lips to yours. Would her lips be as sweet as they once were? Would she kiss you back with the same abandonment as she had that first time so long ago? There were so many questions swirling in your head, and you wanted to know the answers, but it was too soon. If you attempted any of this now, you'd take the chance of losing her for good and it was not a risk you were willing to make. All too soon for your liking, she stepped back. "Does that feel any better?"

 You rotated your shoulder and neck a few times. "Yeah, it actually feels amazing."

 "Excellent," a huge satisfied grin on her face, which only made you smile back. You felt it then, a shift in the air, almost as if her heart was giving way to you in some small manner. Maybe it was just you, but there was something in the way that her eyes held yours, the way they softened as she gazed at you. You remembered that look, had only dreamt of seeing it in her eyes again but now here you were, afraid to blink for if you did it would break the spell. Her watch chimed then, like the clock striking midnight in a fairytale. "I really should be going," she told you, and just like Cinderella, she was running away only this time you knew she wouldn't get far. "So, Wednesday, then right?"

 "Yeah, three o'clock."

 "Ok, I'll see you then."

 "Hey (Y/NN)," she turned back around. "Since we're heading downtown, why don't I just drive us both down. I'll show you the shortcut." She seemed to mull that over a bit.

 "Sounds good." She made a move to leave again, only this time, she stopped herself. "Thank you for today Jame. I really appreciate you showing me around."

 She called you Jame again, another step in the right direction. "Anytime, (Y/NN)." You sighed happily as she walked out of the training room. You were one step closer to winning the girl of your dreams back.

  READER'S POV

 What was wrong with you? You seriously needed to get ahold of yourself. That moment in the training room could not happen again. For god's sake, your watch had to chime to tell you to breathe, because you were pretty sure you'd stopped. There had been something in Jamie's eyes. Those big beautiful brown ones of his, that you could spend hours looking into. People always said the eyes were like windows into your soul, and if that were true you saw your own reflected in Jamie's. The shocking thing was, it didn't frighten you like it should. There was this small part of you that wanted to fall headfirst straight into him, but you couldn't. This time it wasn't just your reputation as being easy riding on the line. It would be your reputation as a doctor and a professional as well, and that was something you would not let him ruin.

 You turned over yet again in what felt like the most enormous bed at the moment. You couldn't seem to get comfortable and sleep was evading you, as thoughts of Jamie filled your head. Every time you closed your eyes there he was, smiling as he took another bite of cake in his mouth, laughing when you least expected it. It was all quite maddening and thrilling at the same time. This time you sat up in bed. Grabbing your iPad, you opened your one guilty pleasure and started reading the romance novel you'd started on the plane here. You hadn't picked it up, since the day you saw Jamie. It would provide the perfect distraction from him.

 You were about three chapters in when things started to turn a bit steamy, and as you read each line you found your hands wandering over your body. Your hands snuck up your shirt, wishing that it was our hero's gliding over your breasts the way he caressed the main characters. As the dialogue went on, you got more and more turned on, until you abandon the book for your own pleasure. Closing your eyes, you pictured the protagonist with his dark locks, kissing his way down your body. Your hands would thread into his hair, as he kissed above your panty line, before slowly shimming them down your legs. It was almost as if you could feel his warm breath against your thigh making you shiver. You let your fingers mimic his, as they slid between your folds, your pussy already wet with desire for him. He softly kisses you there then, his beard somewhat scratchy against your sensitive skin, but it was a feeling you yearned for. His long fingers would slip inside, moving in and out of you slowly at first driving you mad. Your hips flexed up, as you gave over to the fantasy, craving the faceless man's touch. You could see the muscles of his back stretch across his skin and you longed to rake your nailed down them as he thrust his cock inside you, though it was his torturous fingers driving you wild at the moment. You were close now, just teetering on the edge with the need to cum.  Rubbing your clit with your other hand, you thrust your fingers in out of you in a motion that you knew would take you to the heights you sought. Only your mind told you it was his fingers, his tattooed arm, his wicked tongue that was taking you there. Eyes closing tighter, as you fully emersed yourself in the fantasy, you felt the orgasm begin to build. Your legs started to tremble and your breathing was erratic, and then it hit and you were screaming out his name. "YES…JAMIE…YES!" Your eyes flew open, at the sound of his name echoing off the bedroom walls. It was Jamie you were picturing the entire time. He was the man giving you such exquisite pleasure. The realization had you spinning and throwing the covers over your head, too bad you couldn't hide from yourself. How were you ever going to face him in a couple days?

 Sleep was something that evaded you that night and the next, well not entirely you did get a few hours here and there. The only problem was Jamie seemed to creep into your dreams as well. There were ones where the two of you were laughing and joking and having the most amazing time, and ones that had you calling out his name in pleasure again as well. But the ones that got to you the most, were where he was with Caitlyn. They would be holding hands or kissing right in front of you. You'd wake up so angry that you wanted to punch something or someone, namely Caitlyn. It had you questioning why though. If you didn't have feelings for Jamie, then why were you so angry at some college girl who threw herself at him. The deeper you dug into that, the more you didn't like the answer, for it meant there was still something there between you.

 Thankfully, Wednesday came and so did your teaching surgeries, which meant you had something else to think about other than Jamie Benn. It was an early morning as most days in the operating room were, so at five, you grabbed a coffee and headed to the hospital. As you suspected, Dr. Ellis had you tag along on his other three knee arthroplasties, which meant you were walking out of the OR just before noon. If you timed it right, you could grab a quick bite to eat before going over charts and then be at Jamie's before three to tour the AAC.

 "I've got to say your method in that replacement was impeccable," Dr. Ellis told you as you headed down the hallway to the doctor's lounge.

 "Thanks, it took a little time for me to get things right, but as I said when you take that ligament…"

 "Dr. Ellis, you're needed in the ER for a consult; car versus pedestrian," the nurse told him, and immediately your heart sank. You always hated seeing these kinds of accidents come through the hospital. "It's a twelve-year-old, his leg is in bad shape. I'm not sure it can be saved."

 "Dr. (Y/LN), would you join me?"

 "Of course." The two of you quickened your pace as you rushed to the wounded child. "I thought you said this wasn't a trauma hospital?"

 "It's not. I'm not sure how this case got here."

 The moment you got to the ER, you didn't have to be directed as to where to go. Doctors and nurses rushed in and out of the room at a frenzied pace. It had honestly been a good year since you'd done any extensive trauma work, but the adrenaline came rushing back through your veins with a force of a good slap shot. When you entered the room, it was worse than you expected, you'd only seen one other case that was this bad. You rattled off a flurry of questions, to those around you, trying to assess the damage. "I think we're going to have to amputate," the chief emergency physician said.

 "Only as a last resort." You looked at Dr. Ellis. "If you're willing, I'd like to try and save this child's leg, but we need to get him in the OR now."

 Not even a second ticked by, before he said, "You heard her people, let's move." Everyone started rushing to get him prepped for surgery.

 "I'll need your assistance," you told him as the two of you made your way back, nurses following close behind.

 "Of course, anything you need."

 "Oh, I need someone to call Jamie Benn." Dr. Ellis gave you a funny expression. "He was to show me around the arena today in a couple hours. I need to push that back." He nodded to the nurse who jotted down the information before the two of you went to scrub up.

 The surgery was grueling, your feet hurt and your back ached from standing in the OR for over twelve hours, but it was worth it. You were able to save young Noah's leg. And while most of those that had joined you in the operating room were headed out for drinks, which they wanted you to join, you were putting back on the dress that you'd chosen this morning to wear for your tour with Jamie. Admittedly, you may have decided on it because it showed a little more cleavage than usual and that it was Jamie's favorite color, but right now you'd give anything to not have to wear it for another couple of hours as you walked around an arena trying to remember where the entrance and exit were. Though still you, glided it over your body and headed out the door.

 You thought about pulling into your driveway, but decide to go straight to Jamie's instead. Your feet already hurt from standing all day, and the heels that you'd brought earlier now felt like they were twenty inches high instead of the three that they were. No point in walking extra steps from your place to his. You rang the doorbell and almost immediately Jamie answered. "You look…"

 "Like hell." You finished for him as he stepped aside you let you inside his house and even through your exhaustion you realized this was the first time you were seeing the inside of his home.

 "I wasn't going to say that."

 "Oh, well I feel like it," you added. "But anyhow, are you ready to go?" You were standing in the entranceway taking everything in, the vaulted ceilings, the winding staircase, even the glass doors were things that you'd talked about with him when you were younger. It was almost a carbon copy of your dream home that you two talked about.

 "Um…well, I kind of didn't think you'd be up for it tonight."

 "Oh, thank god."

 He chuckled as you sagged in relief of knowing that you wouldn't have to put another ten thousand steps in. "I have an alternative if that's alright." You had no idea what he could be thinking, but anything other than a thirty to forty-minute drive downtown would be better. Just then your stomach growled, the sound seemed to fill the room and Jamie's eyebrow shot up.

 "Sorry, I haven't eaten since six this morning."

 "Well, then I think you're going to like my idea. Follow me." He headed into the open concept, kitchen, and living room, which was decorated all in white. "I kind of figured you'd be hungry, so I cooked us dinner. You still like salmon, right?"

 "Love it." You couldn't believe that he went to all this trouble. You could see the table set perfectly, and that he had a couple pots on the stove, which smelled divine. "This is so much better than the drive-thru I was going to beg you to go to."

 "Fast food, really? Come on (Y/NN) I would've sworn you'd go for pizza at least."

 "I mean well, obviously, but when you're crunched on time."

 "So, does this mean you're staying for dinner?" It wasn't in your original plans, but he'd gone to all this trouble, and well, you did have to eat.

 "I'd love to."

 "Great, I just need to get the grill going. How about a glass of wine while we wait?" You nodded, after the day you had, wine sounded perfect. "Red or white."

 "A dry white since we're having fish." His walk-in wine cellar was to die for and filled from head to toe, you couldn't help sneaking a peek behind him. "I didn't realize you were a wine drinker."

 He shrugged, the movement careless and carefree. "From time to time, I enjoy a glass. It's always better to share it with someone though." God, you'd said the exact words almost a hundred times. You loved your wine, but it was almost self-indulgent to just open a bottle and drink it yourself, so you rarely did it. He chose one, then came back out to the kitchen to uncork it. "I almost hate to ask, but how did the surgery go?"

 "It was long, but we ended up saving Noah's leg."

 "Oh my god, that's amazing."

 "Well, I don't know…"

 He didn't let you finish, just scooped you up in a hug. One that literally lifted you off the ground. It took your breath away not only from the shock of it but because of the way it made you feel. There were so many times you'd completed something successful in the OR only to come home to an empty house and no one to share it with, sure you had your family to call, who were always thrilled, but this, this was different. It was someone sharing in your joy and happiness, and you could feel it in the way that he held you that he was just as excited as you were. All too soon he put you down as if he realized he'd overstepped his bounds. "Sorry," Jamie told you taking a step back, yet still wearing a huge grin. "But you freaking saved a kid's leg. Like who does that." Again, he didn't give you time to answer. "You're truly amazing, (Y/N)."

 A blush rose to your cheeks at his compliments or maybe it was from the way he held you and you longed to feel his arms back around you. Either way, the room suddenly got a bit warm. "Thank you."

 He poured you both a glass of wine, then lifted his. "To the most amazing doctor. Dallas is lucky to have you." You clinked your glass with his then took a sip of the crisp chardonnay.

 "This is good," you sighed as you took another drink. "Would it be terribly rude of me, if I took these shoes off? My feet are killing me."

 "God no, make yourself at home," he chuckled.

 "What I should really do is run home and change into some sweats. If only my feet didn't hurt so bad."

 "You can wear mine."

 "Oh no, I couldn't." Because really, you couldn't wear his sweats, that would just be going too far.

 "Please, you used to do it all the time." Ok well, he had you there. "I think you had more of my sweatshirts than I did at one point."

 "Hey, I couldn't help it, they were just so….cozy." He laughed again and you found yourself joining in.

 "Well, you're more than welcome to steal some. It's not like I don't have a ton from the organization. Which reminds me, I'll make sure they send you over some stuff."

 "Oh, that would be nice."

 "Until then just go put mine on. You know you'll be more comfortable." He was right, but it felt a little awkward and you hoped he wouldn't read into it.

 "You're sure?" He gave you that look, the one that told you if you didn't get your ass into his sweats, he might kick it, and you had to laugh. "Ok, ok." It kind of felt like old times, only without all the bad stuff that happened, and god help you; you liked it.

 "Upstairs go to the left. They are in my closet on the right-hand side. Bottoms are in the third drawer and the sweatshirts are hanging up. I'm going to go throw the salmon on."

 He headed out to the grill, and you made your way upstairs. The bedroom had pristine white walls, like the majority of the house. A massive four-poster king-size bed was done in shades of gray; it reminded of you the bed you shared long ago once. You shook yourself, as memories of that first time with Jamie came flooding back. There was no point in dwelling on that; you told yourself as you made your way into the huge walk-in closet. It was neatly arranged and you had to wonder if it was Jamie being meticulous or if he had a housekeeper that did all this for him. A shelf on the left side caught your eye. There were photos there nestled with his colognes. A picture of when he was drafted sat there, along with one from when he won his gold medal playing for Team Canada. At that moment, you realized you'd missed so much of his life. All these major life-changing events, that had things gone differently, you would've been part of, or at least you told yourself you would've. You sighed, feeling a heaviness in your chest that you didn't want to explore at the moment.

 Turning to the right, you went to grab the sweats like you were supposed to instead of digging around in Jamie's closet. You found them easily then moved down to grab a sweatshirt off the rack. You didn't really pay too much attention, just grabbed a Stars hoodie then started to head toward the bathroom to change. Again, photos caught your eye. These more personal. There was one of him with his mom and dad, that brought a smile to your face. You'd always loved his parents. Another was him with Jordie and Jenny, and still another with just him and Jenny's daughter. It was the one next to that, that made your breath hitch and your heart beat faster. It was a picture of the two of you, one of your favorites from Canada Day. You'd been out at the lake house with his family, and someone had candidly captured the two of you just staring happily into each other's eyes, a smile playing across both your faces. You remembered the moment like it was yesterday. That he would still have this picture was just….well, it was a lot to digest. You'd burned yours in a moment of anger weeks after what had happened, but Jamie, well apparently he kept his and still had it on display. What did this mean? Did he still have feelings for you? Did he still love you? Moreover, how did you feel about him now, after all this time? There were so many questions in your head, it was making you dizzy.

 You rushed into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on your face. Part of you wanted to run the two houses down to your home and lock the door behind you, but that would solve nothing. So instead, you inhaled deeply, getting control of your emotions just as you would before you entered the operating room. There was nothing between you and Jamie anymore, the two of you were just…well, you were trying to be friends, that's all this was. You quickly changed into his clothes, throwing your dress across the huge soaking tub, then you plopped your hair on top of your head in a messy bun. It was only then that you looked at yourself in the mirror. It was a reflection of your teenage self, the one that loved Jamie with her whole heart, but you weren't that girl. You were older and wiser, and you were not about to let your heart get trampled on by one Jamie Benn again. Squaring your shoulders, you headed back downstairs, where you'd pretend as if you hadn't seen the picture of the two of you that set your heart aflutter.

 When you entered the kitchen, Jamie's jaw dropped and you knew he was seeing that same version of your teenage self that you saw moments ago, though he recovered quickly. "You look more…comfortable."

 "I am. Thanks again for letting me borrow these." You decided to not mention, how they made you look, or feel for that matter. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

 "I've got it pretty much under control. Just prop up your feet, it'll be ready in a few."

 "It smells delicious."

 "Thanks."

 "When did you learn how to cook? Because from what I remember, you could barely boil water." It was true, he was never that great in the kitchen, but from the aroma, his skills had definitely improved.

 "Well, when you're on your own as long as I've been, you learn quick." He finished mixing, what looked like some sort of sauce before drizzling it over the asparagus that he'd broiled. "Besides, I can't burn off a large pizza the way I used. If I indulged in that every night, I'd have even more of a dad bod than I do now."

 "Oh stop, you do not have a dad bod. Trust me I've seen plenty of those and you're not it." With his toned arms and legs, he seemed more in shape than when he was sixteen years old. Well at least more defined. In fact, just looking at his thighs brought all sorts of wild fantasies to your mind. Oh my god, you needed to stop thinking of Jamie like this or there was going to be another sleepless night in your future.

 "Thanks," he answered back to your compliment. "Though I will never live down the nickname Chubbs."

 You laughed, like full-on belly laugh. "Oh my god, tell me that did not follow you around."

 "With Jordie on the same team," he said while rolling his eyes and joining in your laughter. "Of course, it did. It's fine though, actually, it'd be weird if people didn't call me that."

 "I'll have to remember that, Chubbs." He raised his eyebrow at you before stepping out to grab the salmon. This really was nice, the two of you just laughing and joking, maybe you could be friends after all.

 "Your dinner, madam," he said as he placed what looked like something out of a five-star restaurant in front of you, before sitting down in the chair beside you.

 "Wow, this looks amazing."

 "Well, it's not the celebration dinner you deserve for saving a kid's leg, but it will have to do." He raised his glass again towards you. "To an amazing doctor." He needed to stop making these toasts to you, as they made you blush every time.

 The conversation at dinner flowed easily, like two old friends who hadn't seen each other in ages, instead of two exes. You reminisced about old times and caught up on gossip from back home. It was all really refreshing, and you realized that you'd worried about moving to Dallas for no reason at all. You helped him clean up the dishes, then you both moved into the living room to finish up the bottle of wine. "I was thinking," Jamie told you. "I drew out the AAC a bit, that way if you're schedule gets too packed, you'd have somewhat of a map to get you around."

 There he went again, being all kind and sweet. A complete contrast to the man that you'd hated for the past fourteen years. "That's really nice of you. Let's have a look." He laid it out on the table and started to explain what parking garage to use and where that entrance would put you once you were inside. He was about midway through when the knot in your neck from surgery today, decided to stiffen a bit. You tilted your head to the right, then to the left; in an attempt to work it out.

 "Little stiff?"

 "Yeah, sometimes long hours in the OR, make my neck not want to hold my head up anymore."

 He chuckled then moved back against the side of the couch so that he could rub your shoulders. "Here let me."

 "You know, I'm supposed to be the one helping you out, not the other way around."

 "Yeah, well humor me." You turned, giving him your back. His hands were gentle as they kneaded the muscles there and you had to admit it felt really good. You could feel yourself relaxing back against him. "Scoot up for a second." You did as he asked and then he swung his one leg up so that you were now seated in between his legs, then he went back to working on your muscles. "Better?"

 "Mmm," you sighed out and let your eyes drift shut. It had been a long time since anyone had taken care of you the way that Jamie had tonight; cooking you dinner first and now this. He gently nudged you back against him, as your body grew heavy. Slowly, you drifted off to sleep. What you didn't know, was how Jamie settled you fully against his body, then grabbed the blanket that was strewn across the back of the couch to cover you up. Nor did you know how he pressed a kiss to your head, as his arms slid around your waist. He knew that he should probably wake you up, but he couldn't resist the opportunity to hold you in his arms even if it was for just a little bit. Jamie told himself that he'd just lay with you here for a little bit, let you rest for just a few minutes, but what he didn't plan on was falling asleep with you.

 You weren't sure what woke you, maybe it was the light snoring in your ear, but you found it hard to rouse yourself out of slumber. You were just too comfortable, too cozy, too content, to want to wake up. There was just this safe and secure feeling that you had that just kept lulling you back to sleep. But slowly, you came alive. You blinked a few times, trying to figure out where you were. This wasn't anything new, when you were an intern, you'd wake up all over the hospital depending upon where you fell asleep, and moving to Dallas you still weren't used to your new home, but nothing here looked at all familiar. It was then that you noticed, someone's arms around your midsection, and that you were sleeping on said person's chest. A light bulb went off in your head, and you realized that person was Jamie. Obviously, you'd fallen asleep at some point, you just didn't know why Jamie hadn't woken you up. Instead, he chose to fall asleep as well.

 You should be in a panic, but for some reason, your not. It just all feels so…right. Only it shouldn't feel that way at all. You shouldn't want his arms wrapped around you like they are, and you shouldn't like the gentle rise and fall of his chest as you lay against him, and you definitely shouldn't have your fingers interlaced with his, but you do. You actually could stay like this…well if you're being honest…forever, and that scares the living hell out of you. It's then you decide you have to get out there and you start to untangle your limbs from him. The movement waking Jamie. "Mmhmm," he hums sleepily and for some reason, your heart flutters at the sound. His hands tighten around your waist and you don't cringe like you should, but if you stay here any longer, you don't know what will happen.

 "Jamie," you whisper. "Jame."

 His eyes peek open as you turn and look at him. There's a slow smile that comes to his lips, that just sends heat to your core. Fuck, you need to get out of here. Then realization dawns on him, "Oh shit, I must have fallen asleep." He's scrambling now and so are you. "I'm sorry….I only meant to let you sleep for a bit." Oh, so he didn't mean to hold you all night and make you feel cherished? Why does your heart sink at that knowledge?

 "It's ok, but I should really be going." You're a little stiff as you get up off the couch and look around the kitchen for your purse, noticing that it's five in the morning. "I need to get ready for rounds at the hospital."

 His hands go to the back of his neck, then comes around the rake down the front of his face. "I'm really sorry…"

 "Jamie, it's fine. I'm the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have fallen asleep on you like that." You slip back into your heels then head towards the front door. "Thank you again for dinner."

 "Anytime," he mumbles and there's this look of confusion on his face. You can't decide if it's about waking up with you in his arms or if he's still not fully awake yet, but you're not going to ask, as you open the door and slip out. "Hey (Y/NN)." You turn back around the minute you hear his voice. "I'll call you," he tells you, and damnit if your heart isn't beating faster again, like your fifteen and the prospect of this hot hockey player calling you is just doing weird things to your insides that medical science can't explain. "About rescheduling the tour."

 "Right, the tour," you muttered and suddenly, it's not as romantic as it all seemed a moment ago. "Yeah, we definitely need to do that. Thanks again." You shut the car door so fast and drive the two houses down, which looks completely stupid, as Jamie stands on his front porch watching you, making sure you get inside ok.

 What the hell just happened? It's the only question you can think of as you drag yourself up to the ensuite in your bedroom, so you can wash your face. You grab a cloth and turn the water on, your mind trying to digest the last ten minutes. You just spent the night with Jamie Benn, and you're not mad about it. You're not mad about it at all and that's frightening. A week ago, you didn't want to be in the same room with him for five minutes. Now, you were laughing over dinner and falling asleep in his arms. Jesus, what were you thinking? You look up at yourself in the mirror and all you can see is his damn hoodie and sweats on you. You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself, but instead, all you can do is smell him. He's on your clothes, well of course he is, they're his, you idiot. You swear when you pull your hair all the way down from its even messier bun that your hair smells of him too. And when you close your eyes you can feel him; his arms wrapped around you holding you close, and damn if you don't want that again.

 "NO," you yell out to yourself in the mirror. "No, no, no." He's not good for you. He'll break your heart. Your mind knows all these things and still, your heart is trying to open the door and let him in. This can't happen, you need a plan. No, what you need is someone to remind you how he broke your heart.

 You pick up your phone and dial your best friend, Emma. She'd been with you through the whole breakup with Jamie and remained by your side through every dumb mistake you made afterward. Emma had even moved to the east coast, when you went to John Hopkins, though she'd met the love of her life there and was now engaged. You knew it was early, but you also knew that your best friend would answer the phone if it was you who was calling. "Hello, sunshine," she answered all cheerful and it only put you in a fouler mood.

 "Really? How are you this happy in the morning?"

 "You know I've always been a morning person. Now, please tell me what happened with Jamie."

 "How do you know something happened with him?" It was truly baffling how she could just read you like an open book.

 "Why else would you call me at six-thirty in the morning? Tell me he's not breaking your heart already?"

 "It's worse." You pause trying to figure out the best way to tell her. "I think I'm falling for him again."

 "Get out!" She shouted at you through the telephone. "It's been like what ten days?"

 "God, when you put it like that, it sounds insane."

 "It's not insane (Y/N)." At least Emma didn't think you were crazy for possibly falling back in love with Jamie. "You two have history, like big-time history, and that just doesn't go away overnight. The question is what do you want to do about it?"

 "I don't know, Em." It was true, you were so conflicted about whether you should just shut Jamie out completely, or open your heart just one more time. You were hoping your best friend could shed some light on the situation.

 "Well, then I think I have your solution." You waited patiently for her to tell you what it was. "You know what they say, in order to get over someone, you need to get under someone." Had you heard her right, did she really just tell you to go out and have sex with someone random?  

.

[saiilorstars]

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 32: One More Time

Previous chapters // Montserrat's masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing:  Rafael Barba x OFC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​ @anotherunreadblog​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​ @stareyedplanet​ @perfectlystiles​ @averyhotchner​ [If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: Montserrat and Rafael are losing their minds away from each other over the course of one month...

1 Month Later.

"Oh, he's adorable," Montserrat gushed at the baby boy in her arms. The baby, in return, gurgled as if he was trying to agree out loud with her. Montserrat shifted on her chair to switch the baby to her other leg. "Olivia, I can't believe you actually adopted him," she told the sergeant sitting across the desk.

"Not adopted," Olivia corrected as she watched Noah fiddle with his hands. "His name's Noah and for the time being, he's going to live with me." She had explained the situation since Montserrat had been out of SVU for a good while now. She only came back and forth every once in a while and this time, she came to the surprise that Olivia had become a foster mother to the very child she saved almost a year ago.

"He's really cute," Montserrat loved Noah's rosy cheeks. "Definitely livens up the place, huh?"

"Yeah," Olivia chuckled and reached over her desk to toggle with one of Noah's hands. The baby gurgled with a toothless grin.

"So then...Ellie's...dead?" Montserrat lowered her voice as if the child in her arms would understand that his biological mother was dead.

"Yeah," sighed Olivia. "We had her in a safe house but...she left in the night and…we couldn't save her then."

Montserrat hadn't seen the pictures - not that she wanted to - but she assumed they were thoroughly graphic since Ellie had been burned to death along with other terrible things they'd done to her. "Do you have any ideas who might've done it?"

"Well, we assume it was someone from the high up but, for now, Little Tino is taking the fault."

"If he's taking the fault then it means he's scared of whoever actually did it." Montserrat stood up with Noah and gently handed him back to Olivia. "And, speaking out of experience, the person who did it might be the one in charge of the whole operation Ellie was part of." Olivia had no doubt it as well. "I should get going. I'm meeting with Damian and Calhoun again."

"How's your brother doing?" Olivia asked as the two slowly went for the office door.

"Well, he's better in that he's not in jail but...he's on trial now and things aren't as well as we hoped." Montserrat shrugged. "Things aren't adding up, Liv. Damian and Gael swear they did the final evaluations and the thing is...that footage is missing. Like, it's not where it should be."

"What - the company misplaced it?"

"No, the company is actually helping us look for the footage. Not having it makes them look just as bad as Gael."

"Well, I really hope you find what you need," Olivia said. "We really miss you over here. Plus, we're understaffed since Nick's doing cop work in Queens."

"Yeah," Montserrat's smile was a bit tight but Olivia didn't seem to notice. She was genuinely sorry Nick had to go back to being a regular cop for Queens, but at least with that he would eventually be able to come back to SVU as a detective. It would just take a bit of time. He'd gone for a month now without any problems, so...he was doing good.

"Honestly, I can come back if you really need me," Montserrat told Olivia wholeheartedly. She wouldn't want Olivia to go crazy trying to cover all their cases with only 3 detectives. "I'd just like to ask time to go Gael's trials."

"Thanks Montse," Olivia could breathe a bit in relief. She wouldn't call the detective in unless they truly had to, but it was nice to know Montserrat was up for the early return.

After leaving Olivia's office, Montserrat went for her things she left on her desk.

"So, any word on when you'll be back?" Fin asked from his seat. "Not that we're complaining but Carisi's a bit too much to handle."

"Ha, ha," Sonny rolled his eyes.

"Oh c'mon, he's not that bad," Montserrat swung her bag's strap over her shoulder. "Just give him some candy and he'll be good."

"One of these days, your jokes will stop being funny," Sonny frowned.

"But it's not today," Amanda chuckled.

Montserrat smiled at her squad. She missed them terribly. "I gotta go meet with Damian and Calhoun so I'll see you guys around," she wiggled her fingers and turned to leave.

"Hey Montse," Sonny called and easily caught up with her in the hallway. "Listen, I know things might be a little awkward, but…"

Montserrat turned so that she was in front of him, making him bump into her. "Awkward?" she repeated and tilted her head. "Why would things be awkward?"

"You know what I mean," Sonny gave her a meaningful look until she shifted on her feet. "I was there, remember?"

"Sadly," she flatly said. "But you know what? Over it. Done. It's been a month and I'm over it."

"I know you're mad-"

"Oh no, no," she shook her head. "I'm not mad."

"Really?" Sonny knew that tight, sour smile meant Rafael was still in her bad graces.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Even though he lied and chose to be with some woman who manipulated him, he has all the freedom to do it. I-" she gestured at herself, "-am simply removing myself from the situation because I'm pretty sure if I had him in front of me I might murder him - wait…" she pretended to think about it for a second before saying, "No, I'm sure I would murder him."

Sonny sighed. "Montserrat, if you would just listen to what Rafael has to say then you would see that it's not what it looks like."

Because it wasn't like Rafael hadn't already tried. He'd struggled to get Montserrat to listen to him for just a minute, even more to just stand still but...Montserrat was adamant that the choice had been made. He made it so it was only fair that she make hers...even though her choice was being made out of spite, something Rafael had mistakenly pointed out which brought out a whole new type of argument. (Sonny may or may not have sat Rafael down afterwards to go over everything he'd done wrong).

"Sorry," Montserrat waved Sonny off, "I have better things to do."

"Montserrat-" Sonny called as the woman backtracked towards the elevator.

"Seriously," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "And feel free to mention that murder part. I may be over it, but I hold a wicked grudge. I've been lenient this past month but I'm done now."

"Montse-"

"Maybe this is another reason why we shouldn't be together - I might kill him on the first date," Montserrat shrugged ever-so-casually with her wide, innocent smile.

Oh yeah, she was still furious. It was the quiet type of furious which, generally, turned out to be worse than the loud, screaming fury.

~ 0 ~

"See, this is the only video we have," Damian played the security feed of the final evaluation he and Gael did before the building collapsed.

Montserrat, Gael and Calhoun leaned forwards on the table to see the computer screen.

"But that's not it," Gael pointed with a deep scowl on his face. "That's the very last one - the one after I had checked for everything. It makes me look like I barely did my job."

"Okay, so we have to find that other security feed," Calhoun said. "And in the meantime, I'll be taking that video-" she pointed at the screen, "-as part of the evidence."

"But it's got me showing that I did nothing!" Gael exclaimed. "Why would you want to show people that?"

"Because the label is wrong," Calhoun said sharply. "And that means someone intentionally labeled it wrong."

"So it's part of the bigger evidence," Montserrat said for her brother's sake. "Proves that they were switched intentionally."

"Okay, then we gotta go back to work and find that other video," Gael rose from his seat but both Montserrat and Calhoun brought him back down.

"You cannot go back there until the investigation is over," Calhoun practically snapped so Montserrat went ahead and explained.

"If you go back, the D.A will make it look like you were going to plant something to prove your innocent. It's better if you stay far away from there until we figure things out."

"But what am I supposed to do!?"

"Be with your daughters?" Montserrat very wisely reminded him. "They really need you, especially Juliana."

Gael sighed. He learned of his teenage daughter's 3 day suspension when he first got out on bail and was overly upset with her, though he did understand her behavior sprang from his situation. Now as his trial had begun, he really strove to make sure both his daughters weren't in the fires of the media. "I suppose they do."

"Let us take care of it," Damian said. "I can go back and look for that video."

"If you do, be sure to have another employee with you so they don't claim you planted it," Calhoun warned then pointed a finger at Montserrat. "You're banned from that building as well."

"I know," the ginger woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not new at this, you remember right?"

Calhoun's smile was the definition of a frenemy. "Just do your job detective and I will do mine."

"This is my job right now," Montserrat reminded the woman as the latter prepared to leave the apartment. "So keep me updated at all times."

"I know," Calhoun playfully rolled her eyes. It was truly novelty being on the same side. "See you in court tomorrow."

When she was gone, Gael readied to leave as well. "I'm picking up Ivana and then Juliana early. Maybe we can have lunch or something."

"Honestly, that's the best thing you can do right now," Damian told him. "Just be with your girls. Montserrat and I have this."

"He means I got this since, reminder, being a detective is my job," Montserrat folded her arms over her chest. "It's literally what I do to eat."

"Still, I don't want you guys overexerting yourself on my case," Gael looked between his sister and best friend. "So please get some sleep and just take care of yourselves."

"We're fine Gael," Montserrat smiled at him.

"No you're not," he said too fast for her liking. "You've got something going on and you won't say anything. And don't try denying it."

Montserrat rolled her eyes. She would not be discussing any of these problems with anyone. She hadn't even told Kara about it - though Kara had assumed who Montserrat's problem was before actually hearing the story from Sonny later on - and Montserrat planned to bury that awful moment. Was it healthy? Probably not. Did she care? Nope.

~0~

Damian and Montserrat had stayed in the latter's place going through more of the files Damian took from his job. Being as thorough as possible meant neither noticed the time pass by until Kara and Sonny walked into the apartment.

"You guys are still working?" Kara wasn't surprised at all. For the past week this had been the way she'd find her best friend, not to mention her apartment kept looking like a storage room than an actual apartment.

"Well, my brother's still being accused of murder so…" Montserrat's sarcasm made Kara roll her eyes. "And he's on trial."

"Did you guys find anything useful?" Sonny asked. He hoped the afternoon had been used only for work purposes and nothing else.

"I mean, I guess so?" Damian looked over to Montserrat for confirmation. "I found some papers that Montserrat thinks Calhoun can use."

"It's just the previous signed evaluations indicating Gael did previous evaluations for each stage of construction before the final one," Montserrat explained.

"That's great," Sonny smiled for her. "It's definitely helpful in the case."

"Is it?" Kara smiled almost like him.

"Yeah," the detective nodded his head. "It establishes that Gael did the required evaluations before the building was finished."

"Yeah, except we still don't have that security feed of the final evaluation," Montserrat sighed. She leaned back on her chair and folded her arms. "If we had that, we would end all of this once and for all."

Damian put down his side of papers and moved to Montserrat's side. His hand went on her shoulder as he bent down beside her chair. "Hey, first thing tomorrow I'm gonna go back to work and I'm not gonna leave until I find that video."

Montserrat met his look with a soft smile. She would love nothing more than to finally put an end to this nightmare. "I really wish I could go there too."

"You heard Calhoun. It's best if you don't. I've got an idea, why don't we grab some dinner?"

Sonny scowled. Wow, the guy didn't miss a chance did he?

"Or we could order in?" suggested Kara who walked up to Montserrat's other side.

Sonny then smiled. That's why I love her.

"Thanks guys, but I think I'll just head to bed." Montserrat pushed herself up to her feet and offered both Mackies a polite smile. She loved that they tried so hard to cheer her up, but she just wasn't in the mood. Lately, she wasn't in the mood for anything.

"Are you sure?" Kara asked. She shared the same disappointment as her brother.

"Yeah, I'm tired." Montserrat shrugged again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Oh-" she stopped by the doorway and looked directly at Sonny, "-and I may come back a little earlier to SVU. My desk better be cleaned up."

"Oh that's great," Kara was relieved to hear that at least some part of normality would come back to Montserrat's life. "I really hope this can all end. It's taking a toll on Montse and I'm worried about her."

"I'm gonna go to work tomorrow and find that damn video," Damian promised as he went back to the table to clean up the mess of papers.

"Do you have any idea where it could be?" Kara asked. She started helping him put the papers together. "I mean, what guarantee do you have that it's even in there?"

"Because the video disappeared the same day the building crashed and there's been more security ever since. No one could slip out with the video much less not be noticed on camera they're trying to leave with it." Damian neatly stacked the papers on one end of the table then looked up at his sister and Sonny. "I'm gonna find that video if it's the last thing I do. For Gael. For Montserrat." Once everything was set, he bid them goodnight and left.

"If this trial doesn't end soon, I'm afraid both my best friend and my brother are going to lose their minds," Kara sighed once they were alone. She expected more commentary from Sonny, but all she got was a small nod and a distant expression. "Sonny?" she called and because her voice was sharpened, he finally looked at her. "What's the matter with you?"

Sonny shook his head, one hand lightly tapping the top of the chair Montserrat had sat in. "Nothing."

"Do not take me for an idiot, Dominick Carisi. You've been acting strange and even though I know you and Rafael have formed this newfound, closer friendship, it doesn't account for this strange behavior." Kara made a gesture at his current stance and though she walked up to him he seemed to move away. "What are you doing?"

Sonny exhaled and made a gesture towards the hallway, meaning to indicate Montserrat but all that came out of his mouth was a sigh. He didn't mean to do that, but what was he supposed to say? That he was frustrated two of his friends were equally hurting? That his girlfriend's brother was actively trying to win over Montserrat?

His face scrunched. "I should go, Kara. There's work tomorrow, after all."

Kara raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you really going to do this?"

"Do what?" he flashed her a smile but the moment he did she pointed a finger at him.

"Don't you dare use that charming smile on me. Why won't you tell me what you're up to?"

"Because I'm not really up to anything?"

Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I know that's a lie. You think I don't know when Rafael tries to talk with Montserrat? She comes home with a face as red as her hair."

"Sorry, doll, but I'm not up to anything."

"Mhm," Kara pretended to fix the lapels of his jacket by pressing it down. "Listen, I'll believe what you say but...if you do happen to come up with a way my best friend can be happy again, I'll love you a thousand times more."

There was a brief smile on Sonny's face before Kara looked up at him. "I gotta go," he said softly.

"Aha," Kara smiled and leaned on her toes to kiss him. "Go on then. Do nothing. Goodnight."

Sonny had to smile as he left the apartment.

~0~

Each night when Rafael visited Forlinis, it was usually always done to grab some nice dinner that he had no intention of cooking at home. It was usually accompanied by the drinks he just generally loved. But as of late, the entire past month, he came to drown himself in alcohol. And since Forlinis had a wide variety of drinks, he had a vast option list.

"I would hate to think how bad your liver is," Sonny came to take the empty stool beside Rafael. The ADA rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. You always drink but now you're overdoing it, don't you think?"

"I think I should be allowed to drink however much I want to," Rafael raised his glass in the air, showing off the tiny bit of alcohol left. He then drowned it all in two seconds and called for a new one.

Sonny nodded and watched the bartender go get a new drink. He wasn't surprised, least not anymore. It had been a very tough month. "This solves nothing."

Rafael graciously accepted his new drink filled to the brim. "I never said it did. Look it's been a very busy day therefore I deserve to end it however I want to." He pretended to salute with his glass then drank it down.

Sonny knew that was bullshit. He let Rafael finish his glass, once again, before speaking up. "I saw her, if you're interested."

"Mhm, and I saw her yesterday and two days before that…" Rafael pretended to do some calculations of how many times he'd seen Montserrat that always ended with an argument. "Yeah, and none of those times have gone well."

"Well, you just have to keep trying."

Rafael shook his head. Each day the discouragement became more and more evident on his face. And how could he not be? Each time he attempted to talk with Montserrat she would either a) shout at him to leave her alone or b) very calmly, but equally angry, tell him everything was done. She was done.

"I think I have finally expended my attempts," Rafael said. "Montserrat despises me and with good reasons."

"Yeah, but the thing is-" Sonny tilted his head, face scrunching, "-she doesn't really hate you. Hate would imply she's over things which is a clear lie. And you should know that Olivia has asked Montserrat to be on standby in case SVU needs her back earlier."

But Rafael didn't seem so surprised. "Yeah, Liv mentioned it to me earlier in the day."

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing, was I supposed to?"

Sonny once again tilted his head at him, his expression seeming more accusatory than anything.

"What do you want me to do!?" Rafael scowled and looked away. The fact that Sonny may have heard him huff was just another novelty. "I'm not gonna further ruin Montserrat. She wants to come back? That's great. It just means I'm going to have to talk with her about something else." The matter of 'when' was just one of the problems.

"You know I could facilitate that-"

"No," Rafael pointed a finger at the detective, warning him not to even try. Montserrat didn't need to be angry with Sonny as well. Even if he was irritating sometimes, Rafael appreciated Sonny's constant help throughout this horrible month. "You're not going to do anything anymore. Just tell me...how is she doing?"

"... she's alright, in what fits. They're getting new evidence for the trial which, actually, is really good. Damian's taking it upon himself to find that missing a video - the very video that would exonerate Gael from all charges."

Despite not facing Sonny, Rafael could see from the corner of his eye that the detective was waiting for him to say something. "Well I hope he does find it, then. Someone should make her happy."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "We're not doing this - you-" he snatched Rafael's glass right out of his hand, "-are not doing this."

"Doing what!?"

"Wallow in self pity, what else? That's unbecoming of you, not to mention plain weird," Sonny put the glass down on the counter, by his side.

"It's not pity, I'm just tired," Rafael slowly corrected as he glanced at the detective. "You can understand why, right?"

"Yes, I can, but it's not really over. Not yet."

"That's all great, Carisi, but it's over for tonight at least. I'm taking a break, one that I'm sure Montserrat would deeply love." Rafael pulled out a couple bills to cover his drinks then promptly got up from his stool. "So, thanks but...why don't you just go back to Kara or something? Don't want to make her mad too."

~0~

It took a lot of courage for Montserrat to walk into the D.A's building, much more into the office of the person she wasn't quite ready to see yet (not that, that had stopped him from trying to talk to her). She drew in a deep breath before walking - striding - into Rafael's office.

"Morning, we have to talk," she said in a jumbled tone.

Rafael was stunned to see her plopping down into the chair across his desk. "Morning…"

"So Olivia's asked me to come back - officially sometime later this week - and of course I agreed," Montserrat shrugged. Her tone was fast but she couldn't quite look Rafael in the eyes. "I'll only be away to attend my brother's ongoing trial but I'm pretty much back."

"Well, that's great for you. Honestly," Rafael was slow with his words, cautious really. He never expected her to come into his office and much less willingly speak to him without shouting.

"I'm just here so that we can both get on the same page about what happened. I think it goes without saying that I don't want anyone to know. Nothing happened. We're just normal co-workers."

"I understand what you want but I have to say that I'll have some trouble with that…"

"I had trouble with your choices but I made it through," the sourness covering Montserrat's words were out of her control. But if it stung, oh well. "Think you can do the same for me."

"I can certainly try but I have to say it would be a lot easier if you would just allow me 5 minutes to explain--"

"And we're done," Montserrat got up.

Rafael frowned at her and got up as well. "No, we're not."

She matched his frown with one of her own. Equally matched, the irony.

"You realize if you would just give me those five minutes we could end all of this."

"That would mean I would have to give in and I'll be damned if I do that anytime soon."

"Mature."

Montserrat's smile was both endearing and frustrating. "Get a taste of what you'd be in for." She was attractive yet about to kill him.

"You're making yourself miserable, Montserrat," Rafael moved around the desk until he was standing in front of Montserrat.

"No, you did that all on your own," she glared.

"So then let me fix it. Let me explain and if you still hate me afterwards I'll leave you alone for good. Five minutes and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll stop trying. You'll have some peace."

Montserrat looked away but there was a slight look of inclination. She might give in…

But it all disappeared when Olivia herself walked into the office. She was, of course, surprised to find Montserrat already there.

"I was waiting for Casey to finish her some paperwork so we could go to the trial together," Montserrat easily supplied the excuse then discreetly threw a look at Rafael to warm him not to say anything. "Thought I'd wait here in the meantime."

"I hope it all goes well," Olivia said, nonethewiser of went went on with those two.

"I'll be back to the precinct afterwards, though," Montserrat promised. "Are there any new cases I should know about?"

"We've got a new girl, Luna, who might tie back to Ellie Porter's death," Olivia looked at Rafael and Montserrat for that piece of news. "But we're going to need some help since Nick is the only one who can help bring closer our two connections."

"Nick?" went both Montserrat and Rafael. They then gave each other looks for their unintended synchrony.

"No wait a minute, I thought Nick was stuck doing deadbeat cop stuff in Queens?" Montserrat asked.

"He's the one who arrested Luna, actually. But we want to use him to get to Luna's pimp and make him think Nick is on his side."

"It could be believable since 1PP did sentence him to a lower status," Rafael considered the opportunities this little gig would bring them in their case.

"That, uh, sounds…" Montserrat scrunched her face, "Honestly, I just sounds like I have a lot of files to read through to catch up."

Olivia sent her a smile. "It's all waiting for you when you get back."

"Goodie," Montserrat chuckled and started on her way out. She didn't bother looking back. Why should she? It wouldn't change a damn thing.

~0~

There were various trials going on in the courthouse. SVU had one going for an earlier case, at the same time Montserrat had her brother's trial.

She painstakingly sat through her brother's trial and silently listened to all the baseless accusations the prosecutor, Geraghty, threw at her brother. My God she hated that woman. 

"I hate that I can't find that video," Damian muttered after they walked out of the courtroom.

"We'll find it," Montserrat tried her best to sound as positive as possible, but that missing video was seriously screwing them up.

Calhoun had already told them - warned them - that if they didn't find the missing video, their chances of winning were half and half. Montserrat wanted the full 100%.

From the other end of the hallway, Olivia was leading the way out of their own trial. "Tell me we've got this guy."

"It's basically a done deal," Rafael told her and Sonny. "No matter what he says, he's screwed."

Olivia seemed to believe him. She nodded and motioned Sonny to follow her out.

Of course for some reason Rafael called Carisi back all of a sudden. The detective in question slowly returned after getting the ok from Olivia.

"What is it, councilor?" Sonny asked but for the first few seconds Rafael didn't answer.

He was watching something, or rather someone. He finally understood what Sonny had been trying to tell him all month. There was Montserrat with Damian, talking yet the latter seemed to be unable to keep his hands off the former.

And it made his blood boil.

The worst bit was the fact Montserrat seemed to be taking comfort in Damian's touch. She had that warm, relieved smile on her face and her glossy eyes which could only mean she was close to crying. And about what? Her brother's trial. It had to be going bad.

"Councilor?" Sonny broke through Rafael's concentration. "Did you need something?"

"Yes," Rafael answered in a low mutter. He grabbed Sonny's arm, a bit harder than he intended to. "You know that stuff I said about giving myself and Montserrat a break?"

"Yeah…" Sonny was now giving him a strange look.

"Forget about it. One more time. I'm going to do it one more time and you're going to help me."

"Really?" Sonny's eyebrows raised. He didn't think Rafael would get over it so quickly, but then he noticed what Rafael had been looking at and completely got it. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

"Shut up," Rafael ordered and pointed a finger behind them. "Now listen because you're going to bring Montserrat into the conference room. Got it?"

"Got it. How do I do that?"

Rafael's smile was promising.

~0~

"Look Sonny, I haven't actually caught up on the cases," Montserrat trailed after Sonny down the courthouse hallways. "Actually, I haven't read at all. I'm gonna need a few more days before I actually return to SVU."

"That's okay, Liv just wanted a word with you," Sonny turned the conference room's doorknob and gestured for Montserrat to go in first.

"Well I don't imagine what about considering I'm way behind," the ginger walked in and went around the table only to see Olivia wasn't anywhere inside. "Where's Liv?"

"She's back at the precinct, where else?" Rafael came striding in much like she when she'd visited him the day before.

Montserrat tilted her head, eyes squinting a bit as she thought.

"What are you doing?" Rafael asked her. He expected her to start yelling the moment she realized she'd been tricked. The fact she was quiet was scary. Yes, she actually managed to scare her sometimes. That idea was still troubling to him.

"I'm thinking…" Montserrat answered in an eerie calm voice.

"About how to talk calmly?" Sonny went with the most hopeful reason he could think of.

"Noooo," Montserrat whispered, still thinking, "I'm thinking that a premeditated murder would get me a longer sentence so I won't think about murdering you -- I'll just do it!" And she actually ran, almost charged, for the detective.

"Montserrat, stop!" Rafael moved in front of Sonny as if the woman would actually cause him harm. "This is between you and me so let's finally finish this, alright? One more time and then we're done. I swear!"

Montserrat turned her head slightly, looking him over with a natural suspicion. "Is that a promise?"

"I give you my word."

Montserrat backed away and gestured Sonny to leave. Before the detective actually left, he stopped by Rafael's side and whispered. "You know what you're doing, councilor? She's pretty pissed."

Montserrat walked towards the other end of the room, mentally preparing herself for this awful moment.

"I just need 5 minutes with her, I know it," Rafael sounded pretty convinced which led Sonny to wonder what the ADA had up his sleeve. All Rafael knew was that he almost had Montserrat yesterday if Olivia hadn't interrupted them. That was what gave him hope that it wasn't all over.

"Good luck," Sonny said with all the genuine care he had. He might actually dream tonight about Montserrat charging at him.

When she heard the door close, Montserrat finally pulled her gaze from the mahogany table. "That was a low trick and you know it."

"It was the only thing that would get you here, isn't it?" Rafael countered with the perfect argument. Montserrat folded her arms, lips pressing against each other since she knew he was right.

She absolutely hated that he was always right.

"What do you want from me?" came her quiet question. "Because, frankly, I'm a little confused. You told me to move on and I tried but now you're here trying to unravel what I've been working on so hard. I don't get it…" her voice cracked towards the end.

"That's what I've been trying to explain this past month, Montserrat, but you haven't given me the chance--"

"Don't you dare pin this on me!" she snapped. She stormed up to him with the deepest scowl that could mar her face. "I gave you ample time to speak up, but you always told me the same things. 'No, we can't.' 'It's unprofessional.' 'We need to stop'. It's only now - when I finally realized you had Yelina on the side - that you want to talk with me."

Rafael's hands shot in front of him, curling and uncurling in frustration. "For the last time - there is nothing between Yelina and I!"

Montserrat laughed in his face and turned away from him. "Sure. She's only the reason you were late to my brother's arraignment and you know, Kara pointed out to me that you didn't have to come. I should've just been grateful that you showed up. But that's not true. You made a promise and you blew me off for the woman who tried manipulating you."

"I didn't know she was going to suddenly drop back into my life. And the only reason I accepted to meet with her is because I didn't want her coming into my office - which she clearly did anyways. But I swear to God, all we did was have lunch - well, we danced around with words but that was it."

Montserrat shook her head. She kept her back to him so that could buy some time and get rid of the tears in her eyes. "Why lie about it, then?"

"Because I didn't think it was important?" Rafael flinched with her humorless laugh.

"Didn't think it was important," she repeated.

"It wasn't!" He had enough and grabbed her arm to turn her around, forcing her to finally look at him. "She wasn't important and I just didn't want to bring that up when you already had so much problems. I wanted to help you find the solution, not add to your list."

"How'd that work out for you?" Montserrat looked him dead in the eyes.

Rafael could look her in her glossy eyes and openly admit it. "You're in pain and I'm the reason for it. Worst mistake of my life."

Montserrat's scoff was a low and quiet one, like she was making herself do it. She didn't exactly have anymore words to keep fighting. She was too tired to keep arguing.

"Montserrat, please," he touched her face, immediately freezing her. She watched his hand as it stroked gentle circles over her cheek and then near her jaw. She had to physically stop herself from shuddering. He let her slowly walk her backwards until her back pressed against the edge of the table. "I've messed up several times and I am so sorry. I only wanted to do what was best for you but...I may just be selfish by coming back to you." His hands ran down the sides of her body, sending tingles down her back but she wouldn't push him away. 

"I hate you," she whispered, sounding like she was out of breath. 

"I know," he whispered back. "But if you give me a chance…" he nuzzled his nose on the side of her face, letting her feel his patterned breath against her cheek, "...I would really like to make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

Montserrat let her eyes fall close. She was so weak for his touch it was honestly ridiculous. When did this happen? When she first started in SVU, she was very sure that she didn't want any of his hands on her because he was outright annoying. Now she never wanted his hands to let her go...and she really wanted him to stop toying with her and move those lips of his onto hers.

Seriously, when did all this happen?

She moved her hands to press against his chest and push him away a bit, though it didn't really seem to do much since they only had minuscule inches between them. "That night...in your office, why was Yelina coming to see you?"

"Montserrat, is that really what you want to keep discussing about?"

"I need to know. She walked in like she owned the place..."

"That's just her personality. She came in because I cut our lunch short. That was it."

"She's someone clearly important to you and I...I'm really tired, Rafael. I don't want to keep arguing, much less fighting with some other woman."

"Yeah, she was important to me...once. But that ended a very long time ago. You are important to me now," he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes at the same time she did. "I've laid everything out for you. In conclusion, you basically own me." Montserrat couldn't help but chuckle and hearing her laughter gave Rafael new hope that things were turning out good.

"Bring in your job why don't you," Montserrat opened her eyes.

"It's bound to happen at some point," Rafael did the same and opened his eyes. "You'd find out if we, uh..." 

Montserrat's breath hitched when he purposely came closer to let his lips hover over hers. All Montserrat could smell right now was him and his cologne and that alone was enthralling. Her hands gripped the lapels of his blazer and the little bit that she tilted her head up brought them to the point that they were one move away from a kiss. "I want to kill you," she said flatly, though a small smile spread across her face in the next minute. "But I think I might just be saying that more often now." She rolled her eyes when he smirked not-so-subtly. "And wipe that smirk off your face."

"Make me," he challenged.

She'd save the snap for his smugness for another day. She kissed him like she'd been wanting to for such a long time. It was a hungry kiss that let all their initial feelings and tension out of the cages they'd worked so hard to keep shut. Rafael could finally throw that caution away and would never have to think about it again (or maybe just a tiny bit for later who knew). He wrapped his arms around Montserrat's waist and hoisted her up on the table. There was a slight laugh murmuring against his lips but his rough kiss silenced her. But with seconds passing he came to realize that Montserrat had her own tricks and ways because no matter how much he tried to be in control, she was pulling the strings. And the right ones too. She had him following her lips in whatever way she moved them. Her hand had found a way to tug his neatly-kept hair at the right moments that would inadvertently make him kiss harder each time, and once she figured it out she took good advantage of it. 

Eventually, they parted to catch their breaths but Montserrat showed her widest smirk possible. She passed her tongue over her teeth, almost inviting him to come back. She passed her hands over his chest, letting them drift under his blazer until they found his suspenders and she was able to pull him right up to him.

"You've surprised me, detective," Rafael murmured, still breathless.

Montserrat arched an eyebrow at him. "Really? Well...just in case you were thinking about going back to...that woman." He rolled his eyes at her. "I dare you to forget me after that kiss...and the ones to come."

[honeyoongiah]

Most beautiful coincidence

Pairings: Yoongi x Elly (reader)

Genre: Bookworm! Yoongi AU, fluff

Words: 2.9k

Warnings: none!

Summary: Yoongi spent most of his time in the universities library with his nose in some books to escape from reality. At least until Elly decided to sit on the other side of the shelf and showed him that love stories don't just exist in books.

A/N: another Oneshot that has a special place in my heart. I hope you'll feel the warmth that I felt during the writing process.

It was a surprisingly hot november day as Elly walked down the hallways of her college. Packed with countless books, she made her way to the library to learn how she always did for exams.

The room was cold because the air conditioner tried its best to fight the heat, so she quickly started to shiver in her top and cursed the long summer.

"Isn't it supposed to be a little colder outside?", she mumbled to herself while walking through the library searching for that one book she knew she'd need. Everyone was silent so she tried to be as well, but apparently someone on the other side of the shelf noticed her.

"Global warming."

It was the voice of a boy, but she couldn't see him through the books. He sounded a little annoyed but maybe that was just his normal tone, she wouldn't know.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't want to disturb you.", she said in worry. Most of the people here got really mad for being interrupted and she understood. This was a place of silence to study, but she couldn't control her mumbling sometimes.

The voice buzzed something that sounded like "it's okay" and Elly started to relax again. Just as she looked for a table to sit on, she realized that she was a little too late with that. Every single chair was already taken and she ran her fingers through her hair.

What should she do now?

Well, obviously there were people sitting on the ground in between the shelfs just as this mysterious boy she couldn't see. "Hey uhm, sorry for bothering you again but would you mind if I sit here? The library is full."

"No.", he answered shortly before there was silence again. "Thank you.", Elly answered and smiled friendly until she realized he wouldn't see it.

She had to admit it was somehow calming to know that there was someone right next to her, even if they weren't talking and didn't even know each other.

Sitting down and taking some notes, she didn't realize how time flew by.

"Ohh god I gotta go or I'll miss my lecture.", she talked to herself again and got up, packing her things in a rush.

"Don't run with books in your hand, though. It'll be dangerous for them... and for you too.", the boy answered again, sounding a little amused by his own comment.

"I won't be a threat to the books, I promise. I don't know if I can say the same about me, though.", Elly chuckled. She didn't feel right to just go without saying anything. "So uhm... Goodbye."

"Bye."

With that said she began to rush, but without running, so she wouldn't miss informations that were relevant to her exam.

____

Just a day went by and she had to visit the library again. Without really thinking about it she ended up in the same spot she was yesterday. It had something calming not to sit together with all that stressed and desperate students.

Elly sat down again and leaned her back against the shelf made of wood. She was curious now. Was she alone, or did he happen to be here too?

"Mysterious boy from yesterday? Are you here?"

First there was silence and she already thought that he wasn't here, until she heard a dark chuckle from the other side. "Mysterious boy, huh."

"Oh hello, you're actually here again."

"Well, actually this is my favorite spot since I first entered this college. So I'm rather surprised of you being here again.", he explained and Ellys eyes grew big. "Oh I didn't intend to steal it from you, I'm sorry."

"You didn't. You're on the other side of the shelf."

"Well that's true."

The silence broke over them again, although she began to like talking to him. It had something carefree and noncommittal. So unlike what she felt at the university. He cleared his throat and seemed to be focussed again to what Elly couldn't see from here. Again many minutes passed before he was the one breaking the silence for the first time. "Are you doing well? The subject should be particularly difficult this semester."

Elly sighed and when he heard that, he immediately laughed. "Okay, I have my answer."

"No joke, it's terrible. But I can do it. Thanks for asking."

Suddenly she felt an object pressed against her back, but without hurting her. Amazed, she looked at the book the boy had handed her through the shelf. His hand was thin, his fingers long and also narrow and defined by bones and veins. "Here, that helped me a lot last year."

Fleetingly, she flipped through it and realized immediately how useful it would be for her. "Oh my god, thank you, that will help!"

"My pleasure."

"By the way, my name is Elly. You said the book really helped you last year, so you're a year above me?" For a few seconds she had to wait for an answer and thought he hadn't heard her or didn't want to talk, but then she heard him. "My name is Min Yoongi and yes, I am one year ahead of you."

Elly gave a low ah and nodded her head. "I have never heard of you, although I know so many students here." A few students tried to pass her, but with so many books in the way it was a lot harder. Elly looked at them with an apologetic look. "That doesn't surprise me. I don't even think my lecturer knows that I exist. At least they can't connect my name with a face. I don't go to many lectures, because I rather teach everything myself and spend my time here."

"It's impressive that you can teach yourself.", she marveled, shuddering just at the thought of trying. Sure, she was good at learning on her own but it helped immensely if someone explained it to her. "I just don't like being around People much, I prefer the company of books of all kinds."

"You just weren't around the right People then, Yoongi.", she spoke her thoughts out loud and hoped she didn't cross a line. "You're probably right but I don't even try anymore."

"That's sad though. You might miss someone very special."

The usual silence greeted them again as Yoongi thought about her words.

He really didn't have much emotional connections since he was young, he early began to bury his nose in books he found interesting. The genre didn't really matter to him as long as it had a happy ending.

Yoongi knew that sounded cheesy but he just didn't feel right when stories ended with heartbreak or other pain. He liked to feel that comfortable warmth of satisfaction when everything turned out to be okay.

It was so far from reality, maybe that was what kept him reading all day. He found the real world terrible, not knowing if there will be a happy end for anyone and not being able to skip through the bad parts if he'd like to.

Books never hurt your feelings or leave you behind.

Books were so much more comforting than dealing with his actual life and the people around him. It was definitely way more fun.

"I have to go now.", he told her and got up from the ground. Elly heard the rustling noises next to her and tried to see him through the mass of books next to her, but besides his black pants she didn't see much.

"Okay Yoongi. I hope we'll talk tomorrow?", she asked casually which made him froze in his movements. Why would she want to talk to him again? "Sure. I'll be here.", he answered though, a light smile gracing his face.

_____

A few weeks passed by and Elly couldn't imagine not being in the library every day anymore. She started talking to Yoongi in her free time on the same spot as the day before. And they talked about everything.

The topic didn't really matter, they always managed to find something to say. Either they discussed something and shared their opinions, which were very often the same, or they opened up about personal issues and feelings.

He opened up about his past and why he became so distant, the whole issue with his parents and how they never understood him the way he needed.

Yoongi never did that before. But it felt right to finally do and when he heard Elly saying that this wasn't his fault he knew that he needed to hear that at least once.

Elly talked about her past broken friendships and relationships who hurt her deeply and made her insecure. She told him that she often felt she wasn't enough and he reassured that this feeling wasn't valid.

To him she was enough.

He held her hand through the shelf when he heard her snuffling and brushed his thumb over her skin to calm her a little.

Sometimes they just enjoyed knowing the other one was right beside them when they had tough days or were feeling like a more silent day. They didn't need to talk.

Slowly they became really close although they still didn't know how the other one looked like. It didn't matter to them, they found it funny and special.

Even her grades got better because he always helped her when she needed someone to explain it again. He was calm, patient and didn't set her under any pressure. She felt comfortable telling him when she had a problem.

"Hey Yoongs, I'm back.", she greeted him and sat down on her favorite place in this university. Maybe even in general. "Hey Elly, I've missed you."

"I missed you too. How was your day?", she asked and placed her hand in the shelf which he immediately took into his. That was a new habit that neither of them knew how it began but they enjoyed it.

"It was fine. I took a look on the new curriculum for my semester and learned a few things in advance. Then I started a new book and read it until you came. What about you?"

"You're incredible. How do you teach yourself the whole fucking curriculum? I'll never understand. Can I have your brain please?", she grumbled but still with admiration for him. "You're incredibly intelligent Elly. Don't put yourself down so much." - "T-thank you."

He squeezed her hand and chuckled when he noticed that she was flustered. "It's the truth. I really think you are amazing in any way possible but you need to see it yourself."

"You're so kind. So supportive and caring. I think you are amazing too Yoongi.", she answered while smiling and stared out of the window.

"Would you mind coming over to the other side and sit next to me?", Yoongi asked and took her by surprise. It wasn't that she didn't want to, but that somehow made her nervous. "How come so suddenly?"

"I don't know... I just feel like it. You don't have to though."

"N-no I want to! Wait I'll come.", she quickly said and let go of him to stand up, which made her feel incomplete for a moment. With these words Yoongi felt nervous now too.

He would look the person who knows him best now, with his good sides but all his flaws too, in the eyes for the first time.

Elly was thinking about the same things too. It was somehow scary, but in a good way. She was curious how he looked like, but she was insecure about showing herself. Will he think I'm pretty? Why does that matter to me?

Slowly, but not too slowly for Yoongi to notice how unsure she was, she walked around the shelf that separated them for the past months now and immediately met two dark brown eyes looking at her.

She smiled shyly and sat down next to him.

Yoongi was too overwhelmed to really hide his staring. He admired every inch of her, trying to imprint the details of her face in his mind. She truly was beautiful to him.

He gently stroked a wisp of hair behind her ear and made her blush. Without him noticing she was admiring him too. His blonde hair she'd really like to touch, his brown eyes which sent out warmth and looked so vulnerable and his soft looking red lips.

"So... uhm what are you reading at the moment?", she tried to break the tension between the two, even though it felt good having his eyes on her. "Oh, I'm reading a novel about- wait do you really want to know?" - "You like the book don't you? So yes I do want to know."

His lips parted while he thought about where to start. He took the book in his hands and let his fingertips run over the cover. "Well, it's about a young detective who tries to solve a murder in the city he lives in, near his own home. He consults a lot of people and there is where he meets this woman for the first time."

Elly listened to him with honest interest and Yoongi didn't feel so good in years. He wasn't used to people caring about what he was reading, but she did. "He starts to develop feelings, but she's the prime suspect in his case. Although he really wants to believe her that she is innocent, everything speaks against her. So he's in a big discrepance."

While he continues talking about how they try to find the real murderer and that Yoongi still isn't sure if she is innocent but hopes for it because he wants a happy end, Elly noticed the sparkle in his eyes.

She could see how comfortable and happy he was feeling right now and she couldn't suppress a loving smile. "And then he- wait why are you smiling?", he interrupted himself and looked at her confused.

"You just look so happy. It makes me smile.", she blurred out and felt shy about it right away. "I uhm... yes I am. I enjoy spending time with you."

Elly didn't know how much time passed while she looked into his eyes, she could drown in them. Only his voice brought her back. "Would you like to spend time with me outside of this library?"

"Y-yes! Of course. I know a better library only 20 minutes away from here.", she teased him and he laughed. It took every nervousness away. "I'm serious Elly. I don't know much about these things, but I know that I want to spend more time with you. Would you like to go eat something after lecture today?"

He found her so cute with red cheeks, it suited her overall cuteness he thought. "Yes Yoongi, I'd love to."

Her words made him weak, he never experienced something like this before. Yoongi only read about it in books.

Was it really his turn this time? Is it possible that he could be as happy as the characters in his books? Was he really blessed to experience something like that too?

These thoughts didn't leave him when they both left the university for today. Yoongi suggested to go to one of her favorite restaurants if she has one, since he didn't really go out much.

Quickly they figured they didn't want to sit inside though, but just get something and go to a place Yoongi told her about a few times. It was a single bench in the middle of nowhere but with a beautiful view of the city.

"You said you like reading here if you're not in the library, right?", Elly asked when in between her bites. "Yes. It's so calming and silent here. It's my special place."

Elly put her box down and parted her lips, just like she wanted to say something, but remained silent. "What did you want to say?", Yoongi asked because of course he noticed. He looked only at her, even though his favorite view was right in front of him.

"It's nothing. I'm embarrassed to say it.", she admitted and buried her face in her hands. Yoongi was sure he never saw something so pure. "It's okay, you don't have to be ashamed of anything. Just tell me.", he said and came a little closer.

He took one of her hands and held her just as he did many times while they were hanging out in the library. Both thought they were fitting into each other perfectly. "I think you made the library to my own special place, Yoongi."

If she was a book, Yoongi would read her again and again. He thought she was so perfect, every little bit of her. She was that type of girl people were writing books about he enjoyed and he never thought they existed in reality.

But it seemed like he found her and therefore his own story.

"I'm glad I started talking to you out of the sudden and got to know you. You are the most beautiful coincidence of my life.", he confessed and stroked her cheek with this thumb.

She smiled at his words, her heart beating so fast when he leaned over with half closed eyes and his nose brushing against hers. "Can I kiss you now?", he whispered and she felt his breath on her skin.

An almost not audible "yes" left her mouth and he gently lay his lips on hers. He felt so soft against her, she could feel how careful and loving he was treating her.

After separating again he kissed her nose and made her chuckle before saying: "I really like you, Elly."

[layce2015]

The Last of Us (Joel x Reader)

Chapter 3: Ellie

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

"Where are we going, Marlene?" Tess asked her after we took out some guards as we came upon a bridge. "This way. It's not far now." Marlene said as she gestures towards some stairs next to the bridge. "How you holding up?" I asked her as we head down the stairs. "I'm running on fumes -- but I'll make it. The place is right up ahead." She said.

"Attention. Curfew is now in full effect. Anyone caught outside without the proper authorization will be arrested and prosecuted." the voice over the loudspeakers announced as we come up to a door under the bridge and enter. "Shit. We need to hurry." I said to the others. "What the hell are we smuggling?" Joel asked Marlene as we walk up to another door. "I'll show you. Joel, give me a hand with this." Marlene said as she gestures to the door.

He opens the door and they walk inside the room until Marlene stumbles forward. "Whoa, whoa, whoa...Come on now, get up." Joel said as he kneels down to help her up. "Get the fuck away from her!" A young voice shouts and a girl appears with a knife, but I catch her arm before anything happens. "Hey, hey, hey." I said in a warning tone to her.

"Let her go." Marlene said and I let go of the young girl's wrist. "You're recruitin' kind of young, aren't ya?" Joel said to Marlene as he nods towards the girl, who looked between about twelve or fourteen years old. "She's not one of mine." Marlene replied to him.

"Shit. What happened?" The girl asked Marlene as she noticed her wound. "Don't worry. This is fixable. I got us help...but I can't come with you." Marlene replied to her. The girl stares at her then said. "Well then I'm staying."

"Ellie, we won't get another shot at this." Marlene said to her, firmly. "Hey -- we're smuggling her?" Joel asked, pointing at Ellie. "There's a crew of Fireflies that'll meet you at the Capitol Building." Marlene replied. "That's not exactly close." I informed her. "You're capable. You hand her off, come back, the weapons are yours. Double what Robert sold me." Marlene replied to me.

"Speaking of which, where are they?" Tess asked her. "Back in our camp." Marlene replied. "We're not smuggling shit until I see them." Tess said, firmly. "You'll follow me. You can verify the weapons, I can get patched up." Marlene said then she nods towards Ellie. "But she's not crossing to that part of town. I want Joel and (y/n) to watch over her." 

"Whoa, whoa." I said, quickly.

"I don't think that's the best idea." Joel said at the same time while Ellie exclaimed in anger. "Bullshit! I'm not going with them."

"Ellie..." Marlene said to the young girl, sternly. Ellie looks at her then asked. "How do you know them?" Marlene looks over at Joel and I and replied. "I was close with his brother, Tommy. Said if I was ever in a jam I could rely on both of them."

Joel scoffs. "Was that before or after he left your little militia group?" He asked. "He left you too. He was a good man." Marlene said to him. "Look, just take her to the north tunnel and wait for me there." Tess said to me and Joel. "Jesus." Joel grumbles and I stand in front of him and place my hands on his shoulders. "She's just cargo, Joel." I said to him, calmly.

"Marlene..." Ellie pleads to Marlene. "You'll be fine. Now go with them." Marlene said as she nods at us. Joel stares at me then looks over at Marlene before letting out a heavy sigh. "Don't take long." He said to Tess then he turns to Ellie. "And you -- stay close. Let's go." He said and we walk out the door.

"Whoa...I heard all the shooting, but...What happened?" Ellie asked as we walked past the dead bodies of some of Marlene's followers. "The Fireflies. Same thing's gonna happen to us if we don't get off the street." Joel said as we head towards a set of stairs. "You guys are the pros. I'm just following you two." Ellie said.

"Attention. Harboring or aiding wanted criminals is punishable by death. Do not place yourself at risk. Report any suspicious activity immediately." the announcement said as we walk down the stairs then head towards a little alleyway, with some stairs that lead further down. "Down here." Joel said as we walked through this little tunnel the up the stairs, leading us to a gated sidewalk. "C'mon, keep up." I said to Ellie. "I am." She replied, exasperated, as we turns a corner through an alley then through an open gate, which lead to an open back alley.

"Where are we going?" Ellie asked us. "Up there..." Joel said as he points up at the top of a building on our left. "...that'll get us to the north tunnel." He said. "How are we supposed to reach that?" Ellie asked as she looks at a tall platform which had a fire escape, leading up to the top floor. "Give us a minute." Joel said to her as he and I look around until I found a dumpster.

"Joel!" I yelled and I grabbed one end of the dumpster while Joel comes up to you. "You push and I pull." I said and he goes to the other end and we bring the dumpster up to the platform. We let go and climb up to the platform, then up the stairs, Ellie follows close behind.

"This tunnel. You guys use it to smuggle things?" She asked us as we get to the top of the stairs and inside the building. "Yep." Joel replied. "Like illegal things?" Ellie asked, curiously. "Sometimes." I replied.

"You ever smuggle a kid before?" She asked us. "No. That's a first." Joel said to her as we walk down this long walkway. 

"So what's the deal with you and Marlene, anyways?" I asked Ellie. "I don't know. She's my friend, I guess." She replied, shrugging. "Your friend, huh?" Joel said. "You're friends with the leader of the Fireflies. What're you, like twelve?"

"She knew my mom, and she's been looking after me. And I'm fourteen, not that that has anything to do with anything." Ellie replied while we walk up some more stairs. "So where are your parents?" I asked her. "Where are anyone's parents? They've been gone a long, long time." She replied.

"So instead of just staying in school, you just decide to run off and join the Fireflies, is that it?" Joel asked her. Ellie sighs and said. "Look. I'm not supposed to tell you guys why you're smuggling me if that's what you're getting at."

"You wanna know the best thing about our job? We don't gotta know why. Be honest with you, I could give two shits about what you're up to." Joel replied to her as we walk down this hall and come up to the last door on the right. "Well great." Ellie said. "Good." Joel grumbles as he opens the door and let's me go in first.

"This is it." I said to Ellie as we walk in the room, Joel shutting the door behind us. I go over to the couch and sit on one end of it while Joel goes to the other end and lays down. "What are you guys doing?" Ellie asked, looking between us. "Killing time." Joel replied as he closes his eyes.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Ellie asked us. "I'm sure you will figure that out." I said as I lean my head back on the couch. Ellie sighs and walks by as she looks us over then she looks at Joel and said. "Your watch is broken." Joel just scoffs at this while I roll my eyes before I close them and fall asleep.

I let out a soft groan then open my eyes real fast and take in a quick breath, my heart racing. My hand reaches out to my left side until I felt Joel's leg. I look over to see that he was still on the couch next to me, his eyes started opening as well. I let out a sigh of relief.

The dream I had was terrible. Not only was it the same nightmare I've had for the last twenty years, but there was a new nightmare that came in before I woke up, abruptly. Not only did I see her die again, but Joel died in this dream as well. It felt so real.

"Both of you mumble in your sleep. I hate bad dreams." Ellie said and I look over to see her sitting in a chair in front of the window, where it was dark and raining outside. "Yeah, me too." Joel mutters as I move my hand off of his leg and he starts to sit up. I run my hands over my face as Ellie looks back at the window.

I felt a hand on my knee and I look down to see that the hand was Joel's. His thumb strokes my knee until I place my left hand over his then we intertwine our fingers together. I look up at him to see he has a worried look. I give him a sad smile and shrug just as Ellie begins to speak. "You know, I've never been this close. To the outside. Look how dark it is." She said then Joel and I stand up and walk over to her, still holding hands. "Can't be any worse out there. Can it?" Ellie asked us.

"What on earth do the Fireflies want with you?" Joel asked her until we heard the door open behind us. Joel and I let go of our hands as we turn to see Tess had enter the room. "Hey. Sorry it took so long. Soldiers fuckin' everywhere." She informed us.

"How's Marlene?" Ellie asked her. "She'll make it." Tess said then she turns to us. "I saw the merchandise. It's a lot. Wanna do this?"

"Yeah." Joel and I replied at the same time. "Let's go." She said and we go through the other room then over to this secret passage in the corner wall, where there was a generator and a small elevator inside. "Don't you think it's a bit strange that they're askin' us to do their smuggling?" Joel asked Tess. "Marlene wanted to do it herself. We weren't the first choice, or the second for that matter. She's lost a lot of men. Beggars can't be choosers." Tess replied.

"Yeah, let's just hope there's someone alive to pay us." I said as Joel goes over to the generator and starts it up. "Someone'll be around." Tess said after the generator comes on. We walk over to the elevator and Joel pushes a button then it starts to go down.

"Who's waitin' for us at the drop-off?" Joel asked Tess. "She said there's some Fireflies that have traveled all the way from another city. Girl must be important." She said then she turns to Ellie. "What is the deal with you? You some bigwig's daughter or something?"

"Something like that. How long is this all gonna take?" Ellie asked. "If everything goes as planned, we should get you to them in a few hours. Ellie, once we get out there, I need you to follow our lead and stay close." Tess told her. "Yeah, of course." Ellie said as the elevator stops and we walk a few feet until we came up to a loose roof.

"Climb up and check if the coast is clear." I said to my husband and he climbs up a ladder then lifts up the cover and looks around. "Now hold up. There's a patrol up ahead." He said. We wait a few minutes until he turns to us. "Alright, we're good. Come on up." He said as he pushed the cover away and Tess climbs up first then I follow her, feeling the rain falling down on me. "C'mon, kid. Watch your step." I said to her as I help her up.

Joel climbs up then places the cover back over the entrance. "This rain ain't gonna do us any good." I remarked as we walk along the trench. "Holy shit, I'm actually outside." Ellie said, shocked, as we come upon a trailer, that was leaning up a hill. "Up this way." Joel said as he goes first. We pass through the trailer, but then a guard popped out of nowhere and hits Joel in the back of his neck.

I gasped just as a second guard comes up behind us and aims their gun at us. "Don't do anything stupid." The first guard said and Tess, Ellie and I raise our hands. "Move." The second guard ordered and we walk out of the trailer and walk out onto the muddy wet ground. 

"Turn around. On your knees." The first guard ordered and we do as we're told. "You scan 'em. I'll call it in." The first guard said as I get down on my knees next to Joel, Tess kneels down on his other side while Ellie kneels next to me.

"Alright." said the second guard. "Put your hands on your head." He ordered and we do just that. "This is Ramirez at Sector Twelve. Requesting pickup for four stragglers. Understood." The first guard said after she picks up a radio.

The second guard goes and puts the scanner on Tess's neck. "Look the other way. We can make this worth your while." Tess bribes him. "Shut up." The guard growls as the scanner beeps then he goes over to Joel. "I'm getting tired of this shit." He mutters as the scanner beeps again. "What's the ETA?" The guard asked the other as he scans me. "Couple a minutes." said the second guard as the first one goes to scan Ellie.

Suddenly, she turns around and stabs the guard in the leg then stands up but he hits her with his gun, knocking her to the side. I jump up and tackle him, before he had the chance to shoot Ellie, while Joel shoots the second guard. Then I shoot the guard, I tackled, in the head. "Oh...oh fuck." Ellie said as she goes and leans up against a large crate. "I thought we were just gonna hold them up or something."

I get up and see the scanner, pick it up and my jaw drops. "Oh, shit." I muttered. "What?" Joel asked me. "Look." I said and I toss the scanner to him. He looks at it while Tess goes and stands next to him, reading the word Positive flashing red on the screen. "Marlene set us up?" Joel asked, confused. "Why the hell are we smuggling an infected girl?" I asked as we look over at Ellie.

She looks up at us in fright then said. "I'm not infected."

"No? So was this lying?" Joel asked, angrily, as he throws the scanner in her direction. "I can explain." Ellie said, quickly. "You better explain fast." Tess threatened. "Look at this!" Ellie exclaimed as she rolls up her sleeve on her right arm, revealing a bite.

"I don't care how you got infected." Joel said.

"It's three weeks old." Ellie stated.

"No." Tess said, shaking her head.

"Everyone turns within two days, so you stop bullshitting." I said to Ellie, firmly.

"It's three weeks. I swear. Why would she set you up?" Ellie asked as she looks between us.

Tess looks over at us and I shrug at her before turning to Joel. He has a look of confusion on his face but it disappears as he shakes his head and turns away. "I ain't buying it." He said.

This can't be real. This girl's got to be lying! I thought confused until I heard Joel's voice say. "Oh, shit. (Y/n), run." I turn to face him and said. "What's..." but as I turn I see a patrol SUV coming. "RUN!" I screamed at Tess and Ellie and the four of us run away.

After avoiding the guards and going through some trenches and broken down buildings, we make our escape to a drainage trench and take a rest. "Alright, they're gone." Joel said as we look up and hear some of the guards' vehicles leaving.

Tess turns to Ellie. "Look, what was the plan? Let's say that we deliver you to the Fireflies, what then?" She asked. "Marlene...She said that they have their own little quarantine zone. With doctors there, still trying to find a cure." Ellie replied. "Yeah, we've heard that before, huh, Joel?" I said to him and he nods at this as he folds his arms across his chest.

"And that...whatever happened to me is the key to finding a vaccine." Ellie continued. "Oh, Jesus." Joel mutters. "It's what she said." Ellie said to him, frustrated. "Oh, I'm sure she did." Joel sneered. 

"Hey, fuck you, man. I didn't ask for this." Ellie yelled at him. "Me neither." Joel grumbles as I turn to Tess. "Tess, what the hell are we doing here?" I asked her. "What if it's true?" She asked me and I look at her in disbelief, is she really buying this?

"I can't believe--" Joel grumbles as I shake my head at this. "What if, guys? I mean we've come this far, let's just finish it." Tess said to us. "Do we need to remind you what is out there?" I asked her as point out towards the landscape of torn down and broken buildings.

She looks at Joel and I then over to Ellie before she turns back to us. "I get it." She said then she walks away, Ellie following behind her. "What the hell does she mean by that?" I asked Joel and he just shrugs.

"This way. If we cut through downtown, we can hit the capitol building by sunrise." Tess said as she gestures towards the former highway road. "We hope." Joel mutters as he and I began to follow Tess and Ellie.

"Holy moley. I guess this is what these buildings look like up close." Ellie said in amazement, as she looks up at the skyscrapers. "They're so damn tall. So, what happened here?" She asked. "They bombed the hell out of the surrounding areas to the quarantine zones, hoping to kill as much of the infected as possible." Tess replied.

Suddenly, we heard a cry off in the distance, and not the normal human cry. "Ahhh, what the hell was that?" Ellie asked, nervously. "Tess, do you hear that?" Joel asked her. "Yeah. Sounded pretty far away though." Tess replied. "Shit." I muttered.

"Are we safe?" Ellie asked. "For now. Come on." Tess assures as we continue down the road until we come upon a giant bomb crater. "Damn. That's quite a drop." Ellie said as she walks up to the edge and looks down. 

I look around at the buildings then saw the place we needed to go to. "Well, there's the capitol building." I pointed out. "Yeah, we need to get around this mess." Tess said as she gestures towards the crater.

"This is the downtown area?" Ellie asked, shocked. "It was. Now it's a giant wasteland." I replied while Joel looked around then went over to a skyscraper that was a few feet away from us. "Over here." He hollered and we follow him, then get inside of the building and start to make our way through it.

At one point, Joel opened a door and found a dead mangled body of an officer. "He's been ripped apart." Tess remarked. "Yeah..." Joel mutters as I walk up to the body and look it over. "Body's pretty fresh." I said. "Is that bad?" Ellie asked. "Yeah, might be... Let's not stick around." Tess said as we continue on.

We walk up a stairwell when we come up on another body. "Another one. Shit." I muttered as Joel looks it over then reads the paper that was next to the body. "Looks like these guys died waiting for backup." He informed and we head up another set of stairs then to through the door to our left, only to see a body up against a door, covered in fungus.

"Dammit. Clicker." Joel growls. 

"Oh, great." I said with sarcasm. 

"Geez. What's wrong with its face?" Ellie asked as Joel and I pull the body off and away from the door. "That's what years of infection'll do to you." Tess replied. "So what, are they...blind?" asked Ellie. "Sort of. They see using sound." I replied to her as Joel shoulder charges at the door and opens it.

"Like bats?" said Ellie, questionable. "Like bats. If you hear one clicking, you gotta hide. That's how they spot you." Tess said as we maneuver our way through the building.

At one point the building began to groan as the storm keeps pounding. "Shit." Ellie whispers. "Whole building feels like it's about to fall apart." Joel said as we crouch under a low shelf then over to another room.

"Totally cool. Everything is totally cool." I hear Ellie assures herself as Joel tries to open this large metal door, but couldn't. "Gimme a hand with this." Joel said to me and both of us go and shoulder charge this door until it finally opens.

I look over and see a clicker pop out of nowhere and starts to come towards Joel. "Joel!" I exclaimed as the clicker knocks him down. He keeps the clicker at bay until I pulled it off of him, threw it to the grown and shoot it in the head.

"Thanks..." Joel said to me, breathless, as he stands back up. "You alright?" Ellie asked him as I nod at him. "It's nothin'." Joel assures her. "C'mon. Let's get the hell outta here." I said and we continue our way through the building.

"Just see if there's a way through." Joel said to Tess as he boosts her up a floor. "Okay..." Tess said once she gets up and looks around. "It's clear." She said then she kneels down and holds her hand out. I go over, jump up and grab her hand then she pulls up. "C'mon, Ellie." Tess said. "Alright, kid, you're up." Joel said as Ellie walks up to the tall wall and Tess helps her up.

"Come on. You got it. There you go." Tess said until Ellie was pulled up to the floor. I kneel down and reach out to Joel. "C'mon, big guy. Gimme your hand." I said and he grabs my hand then I pull him up.

But as I pulled him, we heard a noise. "Clickers?" Ellie asked. "Oh, shit. Go, go, go." Tess said, quickly, and we quickly hide in an old cafeteria. We get behind a long counter and stand still as we hear the Clicker come up to the counter then it walks away.

Tess grabs a bottle next to her then throws it to distract the clicker as it goes one way and we go the other. "That's our way out, over the scaffolding." Tess said and escape the room then head towards a stairwell, which was block by a large cabinet.

Joel grabs the cabinet, pulls it out and moves it to the side. "Here you go, ladies." Joel said. "Such a gentleman." I teased as we make our way through. "The stairwell's blocked. Should we go back up?" Ellie asked as she points at the other set of stairs. Tess then climbs out the window onto a rusted window-washing rig. "Ahh, this is crazy." She mutters then she turns to us. "Just don't look down." She said.

"Wha--? Are you serious?" Ellie asked as Tess runs across the rig. Ellie jumps on it then Joel and I get on the rig and run over to the other rig that was next to us. "C'mon, Ellie." Tess said as she gets up to the ledge of the building and leans against the wall. "Yeah... Don't look down. Don't look down." Ellie mutters to herself as her and Tess shimmys along the ledge. "You're okay. We got a way through." Tess assures her as I get up to the ledge.

"In a world full of flesh eating monsters, how am I still afraid of heights?" I muttered as I, slowly, shimmy across the ledge. "Oh, boy..." I hear Joel mutter just as come up to an open window and jump through it.

"Runners." Tess said as she points to the floor below. "We'll go check it out. Stay with the girl." I said and I gesture to Joel to follow me and we jump down to the floor and take out a couple of runners by strangling them.

I look to my left and saw a Clicker nearby. "Fuck." I whispered as I quietly get behind the Clicker, pull out a makeshift shiv out of my pocket then stab it in the head. Meanwhile, Joel found a large pipe and bashed the head of the last runner.

"Alright. Come on down." Joel calls out. "I'm impressed, guys." Tess said as her and Ellie make their way down. "Pssh." I scoff with a smirk. "Let's just get outta here." Joel said and we make our way through.

We come up to a door that was blocked by a large cabinet. Joel goes over to one end of the cabinet and pulls it away from the door. "Alright. Girls, go." He said as I go over to the door and open it. "Alright, hold on." I said as Tess, Ellie and I enter the room. I look over and see an old copy machine. "Here -- this'll work." I said as Tess and I go to the machine and pushs it towards the door, to prop the door open. "Okay... Alright, that should do it." Ellie said as Joel let's go of the cabinet then gets inside the room.

"There, see? We're doin' alright." Tess said to us. "Uh-huh." Joel grumbles as we come up to see that the floors of the building had caved in. "Whoa." Ellie said in amazement. "Down we go." I said. "Let's get to it." Joel said and the four of us descend.

"You know, I was thinkin'...after we get back, we can take it easy for a little while." I said to Joel as Tess and Ellie walk ahead of us some few feet in front of us. "You want to take it easy?" Joel said as he looks over at me, his eyebrow cocked. "Hey, you're the one who's always going on about layin' low." I said to him, smirking. "And you always brushed me off." He remarks. "Well, I won't this time." I said as I take his hand in mine. "I'll believe it when I see it." He mutters and I chuckle, softly, as we make our way into an abandoned underground subway.

"Look at his sleeve. Firefly." Tess said as she points at a dead body with an armband. "These guys aren't doin' too well in or out of the city. Let's hope there's someone alive to meet us at the drop-off." I said as Joel picks up the molotov then searches the body and found a map. "They're from the quarantine zone." He said. "See...they're not our guys." Tess said as we walk along until we heard some clickers and runners.

"Shit. God, we're almost out." I muttered as Tess looks around. "Okay, Joel...(y/n), you two take point. I'll watch the rear. Ellie, no matter what, you stay right on their heels." Tess orders. "Sure." Ellie said and we make our way through the subway, very quietly and slowly, while also taking out some infected.

"Alright. C'mon." Joel said to me as he boosts me up to the wall at the other end of the room. I get up and drop the ladder for them. "Get up here." Joel said to Tess and Ellie and the four of us exit the abandoned subway area into the downtown proper.

"Holy shit. We actually made it." Ellie said, relieved. "Everyone okay?" Joel asked as we get back out onto the streets. "Yes." I said as Tess nods. "Let's move." She said. "You guys are pretty good at this stuff." Ellie compliments. "It's called luck, and it is gonna run out." Joel said as we get back on the street.

"Which way we goin', Tess?" I asked her. "Uh...capitol building's in this direction." She replied as she points in front of her. We head that way to see a semi truck blocking the street. "How do we get up over this truck?" Ellie asked as Joel and I look around and found a dumpster.

We grabbed the dumpster and push it up against the truck. We climb up and over the truck then come upon a garage. Joel goes over to the chain next to the door and begins to pull it, opening the door, until I heard a cry. "Shhh-shh." I said to him. "What? I don't hear anything." Joel said once he stopped pulling. We look over to see some runners climbing over the truck and coming towards us. 

"Okay, double time." Tess said as Joel said. "Oh, shit...."

"Oh -- they're coming." Ellie exclaimed as Joel pulls the chain alittle faster. "I know." He said as he finally gets the door open just enough for us to crouch through. "Go. Go. Go." Tess said as Ellie crawls through. Then Tess and I get through. I turn around and Tess and I hold up the door for Joel. Joel managed to get inside the garage, just as a runner grabs his ankle, before we slam it shut on them.

I help Joel up as all of us stare at the door when the infected started slamming and hit the door. "Oh...you got something on your shoe." Ellie said. Tess, Joel and I look down to see a cut off hand on the runner was still attached to Joel's foot. He kicks it off as Ellie said. "Gross."

"Okay. How do we get out of this place?" Joel asked as he looks around the garage. "Let's find out." I said as we walk around the garage. "So Marlene thinks your immune?" Tess asked Ellie. "Well, that's what she believes." Ellie replied.

"Well, how were you bitten? I mean you must've been somewhere you shouldn't to find an infected in the zone." said Tess. "Yeah, I'd sneak out. I was in this military boarding school." Ellie said just as Joel found a door and we head inside. "You'd sneak out?" I asked her. "You know, explore the city. I was in the mall when I ran into infected." She replied.

"That place is completely off-limits. How the hell did you get in there?" Tess asked her. " I...had my ways. Anyways, one of those -- what you guys call runners -- bit me. And that was that." Ellie said. "I see. Were you with Marlene when you were bitten?" Tess asked her. "No. I went to her for help afterwards." Ellie replied. "Knowing her, I'm surprised she didn't shoot you." I remarked and Ellie let's out a small laugh. "She almost did. Hope she's alright." She said. "I told you. She's gonna be fine." Tess said just as the path leads us to an old museum.

***

"What is this place?" Ellie asked as she looks around at the building. "It's an old museum. Some of these things are hundreds of years old." Tess said as she gestures towards the stuff that had, surprisingly, not been taken. "Really? Wow." Ellie whispered in awe as we go to a room that had debris blocking a door way.

There was a large wood that was sticking out of the debris so I go over to the wood and push down on it, using it as a leverage on the fallen debris. Joel comes up to me and helps me while Tess and Ellie hurry under it to get to the other room.

But suddenly the debris begins to collapse, separating Joel and I from Ellie and Tess. "Joel! (Y/n)!" Tess calls out as Joel and I stand back up. "We're alive!" Joel calls out to her. "We'll make our way around to you." I shout just as I hear some clickers. "They're here! Run! Run!" Tess screams and she and Ellie run.

"Shit." Joel grumbles as we make around as quietly as possible since there was so many clickers around. We make it to a door and we run inside then close it behind us and head up the stairs when we heard some banging noises.

"What the--?" I whispered as we get to the door. I open it and down the hall we see a runner banging on the last door on the right. Joel runs over to it and bashed it head in as I hear Tess yell. "Ellie, stay back!"

I kick the door open to see Tess was struggling against a runner until she knocked it off of her. "Tess!" I yelled as I run over to her and she kills the monster. "I'm fine!" She said as we hear Ellie yelp. "Guys! Get in here!" And we run into the room to see a runner had grabbed Ellie while a few more started running towards us.

It was a pain in the ass, but we managed to save Ellie and take out all of the infected. "That was too damn close." Joel mutters as I nod then look over at Tess. "Tess, how're you holdin' up?" I asked her. "Just a bit winded." She replied then she points to an open window. "This way. This'll get us to the roof." And she climbs out of it.

"How 'bout you, kid? You okay?" Joel asked Ellie. "Define okay." Ellie said. "Are you still breathing?" Joel asked her. "Do small, panicked breaths count?" Ellie asked. "Yeah, they count." I replied, nodding. "Alright. Then I'm okay." She replied and we climb out the window and up the old fire escape, until we reach the rooftop.

"There she is. That's our building." Tess said, pointing at the building, which looked a little closer but we still had a least a couple of hours left of the journey. Joel, meanwhile, grabs a long wooden plank and placed it between the space between the museum and the rooftop next to it.

"Alright. Now watch your step as you goin' up 'cause it's gonna be a little..." Joel tries to instruct Ellie but she brushes his advice off and crosses easily. I rolled my eyes as I follow after her.

As I walk up to her, I see that she was looking at the Capitol while the sun was rising behind her. "Well, is that everything you hoped for?" I asked her, gesturing towards the Capitol. "Jury's still out. But, man...you can't deny that view." Ellie replied as Joel and Tess walk up to us.

"C'mon. This way." Tess said as she walks by us and towards a ladder, Ellie starts to follow. Joel walks up next to me and places his left on my right shoulder. I raise my left hand and placed it over his hand then, absentmindedly, ran my fingers over his broken watch. I look over at it just as he looks at it as well. 

"Hey! Pick it up." Tess yells, startling Joel and I. I look down at his watch one more time before I patted his hand and walk over to Tess, just as Ellie climbs down the ladder. "Look, we're almost done. Stay focused." Tess said to us. "Yes, ma'am." Joel said to her as I just give a short nod then, one by one, we climb down the ladder and continue on.