#I'm so hungry and exhausted and I've barely done anything all day

[piipaw]

Want nothing more than to talk about my OC and draw my OC but my brain is crumpling in today oouughhh it's the burnout.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

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[dovabunny]

Part 9 - Looking Up

Price sat with his head in his hands. They'd barely been back when Ghost came banging on his door demanding to know why they haven't been updated on Soap's status.

He didn't know what to say. Saying 'I forgot' was apparently not the answer Ghost wanted.

"You forgot!? Price - you gave me your word!"

"In case you haven't noticed, Ghost, things have been going to shit and I've had my hands a little full keeping us all alive and employed!"

"Without our word, what are we, Captain? That really the example you want to lead us with?"

At that Price had sneered and got into his face. His full seniority in the set of his shoulders and look in his eye. "Don't you dare think my job is easy. The decisions I make are never easy - but I make them with the best interests of the 141 at heart! And don't you pretend like I'm the villain here, Ghost. You were the one who made your inability to work with him a liability to the 141. You were more critical of him in the end than I ever was! If you wanted to stop fucking him, whatever - but you made it my problem!"

Oh shit. Price did not mean for that to come out. He's exhausted, hungry, irritable and defensive. Shit.

"Ghost, I-"

"You knew?"

"About you two? Yes. You were subtle, he wasn't."

Price is tense, bracing for a punch that might be a little justified, but Ghost is silent.

At Price's words, the high walls that Ghost spent a lifetime building started to crack. The cracks spread, and light pours in.

He hears himself snap and bite at Soap. Sees Johnny's anger as for what it was - pain. Hears himself on that awful night using the same words..

"...we weren't just fucking." He whispers hoarsely. To tell Price or tell himself, he's not sure. "And it didn't stop because I wanted to."

Price seems to sense Ghost is in a fragile state of mind. "Look. Let's not do this now. I'll call right now and have an update tomorrow."

Price sighed in relief when Ghost silently left. Did the man really think no one knew? And was he implying Soap dumped him? The man was completely gone in Simon, he can't even imagine what could've been bad enough for Soap to leave Ghost.

He picks up his cell and turns it on.

The screen is immediately flooded with a string of missed call notifications and texts. Quite a few from Alejandro, which was strange, but the most striking was the missed calls and voicemail from the captain of Soap's new unit.

He frowns and plays the voicemail message. "Price! You better have a damn good reason as to where Soap MacTavish is! You promised him to me two weeks ago. I've revised our full training schedules around his arrival - and not only is he LATE, I just got a call that just said he ISN'T COMING! We had a deal, Price!"

Price stared as it beeped and the automated voice asked if he wanted to hear it again.

After a third listen he calls Laswell.

"Price, to what so I owe the pleasure? I assumed you'd sleep for two days once you got back."

"Laswell, do you know where Soap is?"

Price tried to focus on listening over heat creeping up his throat, not wanting to even entertain what thoughts lie behind this threatening panic.

"You're only remembering him now? It's been almost a month."

"I know, I-. Just, do you?"

She's quiet for a beat. "I do."

Price feels claws on his throat ease a little. Thank God. "Where is he? His new unit's Captain left me a furious message saying he didn't show and isn't coming. Know anything about that?"

"I do." Her voice steady and sure as always. "He isn't transferring there anymore."

"What do you mean?" His worry is replaced by reminders of old frustrations. "Is this some kind of insubordination from him? God, if he-"

"No, actually. A better unit wanted him, he agreed, I did the paperwork. From where I'm standing, everyone gets what they want. You too."

"Who? If he wanted a different transfer, he should've gone through me."

"That you do not need to concern yourself with. You needed him transferred away, it's done. MacTavish is no longer under your command."

"Laswell," he sensed she was hiding something. "Where is he?"

"That information is 'need to know'."

"...is he okay?"

"Took you a while to ask that. He wasn't. He will be. That is all I'll say, do not ask again. Now, get some sleep Captain."

So here Price sat with his head in his hands, guilt heavy and keeping him from sleep.

"Okay, Cap?" Gaz asks as he slips into the room.

Price opens his arms in silent plea and Gaz stands between his legs, let's the man wrap his arms around his waist and settle his head on his stomach. Gaz had to stay behind due to his rehab and the rookies needing training.

"I was sure it was the best for everyone," Price admits. "It should've been. Soap should've transferred quick and easy, we should've been able to keep going with a replacement. Roach is an excellent soldier and great man, and desperately needed a transfer. Was I wrong?"

Gaz doesn't answer him. He pets his hair gently and states at the framed picture of the 141 on the wall. The birthday cake Soap baked for Price was hideous but he put his heart into decorating it to look like Price's trademark bucket hat with a cigar candle.

He can't answer.

--

In Soaps lucid mind he thinks he hears arguing...and a lot of Spanish. His consciousness comes and goes, but he's always too deep underwater to move or open his eyes.

His mind is fractured, passing images and emotions that spark but never stay. A skull. Screaming. Pain. Cold.

He doesn't realize he's keening in distress, struggling against forces that are holding him back or pushing him away - he can't tell - when a warm hand settles on his chest.

"Calm, hermano. We're almost home. You're safe."

GhostSoap AU - Replaced

Cw: angst

They'd been a (secret) thing for almost a year now. Soap was smitten, but respected Ghost's boundaries to keep it private.

But over all these months, Ghost never said he loved him too. He never makes future plans with Soap either.

He keeps turning down invites to go on leave together or meet his family,l. When they're out on missions will always elect share a room with Price over him.

Soap starts to feel like less of a secret lover and more like... Ghost's dirty little secret.

Like he's just being used.

(Read rest below)

It all blows up one night.

The gang had been at a local bar. Some flooze had apparently been making eyes at Ghost and Gaz noticed. Thinking he's being a good friend and wingman, he introduced the two.

Soap had to sit and watch Ghost talk to her at the bar for 20minutes.

Everytime she touched his arm or bought him a drink he wanted to rip her off him.

But what hurt more was that Ghost didn't immediately turn her down, instead entertaining her attention for a drink or two. He didn't tell Gaz he wasn't interested.

Soap was just a spectator.

"So? Get her number?" Gaz eagerly asked when Ghost returned.

"Nah. Not my type. Too chatty."

Gaz rolled his eyes. "Picky bitch. She was pretty. And if you're not into chatty why do you keep him around?" He playfully winked at Soap.

It was a joke. Didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Not when Ghost didn't even reply.

Soap announced he's leaving early. Ghost followed and caught up to him. The cold air did nothing to ease the burning hurt.

"You coming over to mine tonight, Johnny? I doubt they'll be back till after midnight."

Soap grit his teeth and kept walking. "Dunno. Maybe you should go ask your redhead slag."

Ghost glared, voice cold. "That's uncalled for, Johnny. She was just being friendly."

"Friendly, huh? Too bad she's chatty. Apparently that's huge turn off for you."

Ghost grabbed his arm and stopped him. His eyes and tone incredulous. "That's what this hissy fit is about? You're jealous and touchy over that comment? I thought you'd be happy I didn't take her number."

"I would've been happy if you didn't entertain her flirting at all!"

Ghost's eyes turned hard. "And what gives you the right to dictate who I talk to?"

Soap stared for a moment. It hurt. It fucking hurts but he needed to know.

"What am I to you, Simon?"

Ghost was quiet.

"A fling? A partner? A lover? A fucking sex toy? What am I to you!?"

Months of insecurities were bubbling up. The alcohol that loosened his tongue didn't help either as he yelled.

"Don't raise your voice to me, Sargent. I'm still your commanding officer." Ghost said in a tone reserved for intimidating interrogations and reckless recruits.

"...that's it? You're my CO and I'm your Sargent? That's- that's all it is for you?" Soap hated how his voice trembled.

"I didn't make any promises, Soap." (Soap. Not Johnny.) "You have no right to make demands of what I may and may not do, and I won't be chained down!"

"I don't want to chain you down! I just wa-"

"Sounds like you do. Bloody hell, if you didn't want to fuck anymore - fine. There's no need for the tears and the drama, Sargent."

It was only then that Soap realized he was crying.

Ghost cursed and kept walking without him.

Soap feels like he's been punched in the chest, a gaping void left where his heart and lungs should be.

Apparently all the secret kisses Ghost stole, how he held his hand when no one was looking, the way he held him when they were alone were all just what? Drama? In his head?

Soap spends the night sobbing his heart out off base in an empty parking lot with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

By morning he told himself there's no use crying over spilled milk.

But it wasn't that simple. For either of them. It was the start of the end.

[fratboykate]

We know you're proud of your pain brand but don't sell yourself short on the fluff brand Papi. You have a squishy heart we know it. CFAU has some of my favorite heart-warming, saccharine sweet stuff I've ever read in my years of consuming any type of fiction. Chapter 32 proved that you're untouchable on the angst and pain but you're also //amazing// at fluff so to balance out all the recent pain youve dished out, give us domestic Kalena. How do they find out they're pregnant with baby Natasha?

When Kate discovers she's pregnant Yelena isn't in New York. She was supposed to be gone for another ten days because they'd unearthed a fresh cluster of Widows spread out through South America. Tracking these Widows down had been a massive undertaking in both effort and time so when Yelena said she had to be gone for almost three weeks, Kate wasn't thrilled about it but she understood.

When Yelena lands back in Manhattan she's exhausted, bruised, and sore in all the wrong places. Frankly, all she wants to do is reach into the fridge, grab the first thing her hands land on, then plop in bed with her wife, and sleep for days. Nothing else. If it involves moving, she doesn't want anything to do with it. That's the headspace she's in when she opens the door.

Instead of relaxing quiet, Yelena is greeted with music being blasted from the kitchen. That definitely means Kate is in a good mood and Good Mood Kate is extra chatty Kate. Yelena inhales and exhales dramatically, preparing herself for what she already knows is about to happen.

Yelena walks past the dining room on the way to the kitchen but backtracks when she notices there's half a spread already waiting. It's only 4pm which makes the table being set distinctly odd but, Yelena did land hours earlier than she should've so, logic would lead to believe that Kate merely moved dinner up as a result.

Yelena shrugs and keeps walking.

"Kate, I..."

Yelena barely gets words out before she hears Kate barreling to meet her.

"Not allowed! You're not allowed in here!"

Kate intercepts her in the hallway.

"Hi." Kate places a quick kiss on Yelena's lips, clearly leaving Yelena wanting more when she pulls away. "That bruise looks bad, Yel. Did you ice it?"

"Yeeeeees." Yelena retorts mildly annoyed.

"If you had, it wouldn't have gotten like that. You should've iced it and then..."

Yelena kisses Kate to stop her from going any further. She doesn't feel like being chastised at the moment.

"I iced it. It still looks like this. Nothing I could do about it, okay?"

"Okay...Go to the living room and chill for a bit. I'll call you when I'm ready."

"Ready for what, Kate? All I want is you and me, upstairs, naked in bed, sleeping."

"Plenty of time for that later. Promise. My stuff's gonna burn. Wait over there."

Yelena doesn't have the energy to argue and does as she's told.

Yelena enters the living room, starts dumping the gear she still had on her on the couch and coffee table, and then sits. She huffs, crosses her arms over her chest, and falls back onto the plush cushions dramatically. Seems like she doesn't really have much of a choice but to pout in silence.

--

Twenty minutes and a lot of ruckus later, Kate walks into the living room looking like a five year old who got sugar injected straight into their veins.

"Okay! All done! Let's go!"

Yelena exhales and shakes her head.

"Kate, I am tired and a bit angry hungry. Can we please just have quiet night?"

Kate lifts Yelena to her feet and delivers a firm but quick kiss to her lips.

"Shh. Shh. Shh. Just go with it."

"You always want me to 'go with it'. 'Go with it'. I want to 'go with' to my bed."

Kate drags Yelena to the dining room despite her grumbling. She guides Yelena to one of the two chairs that have plates across from them, pulls the chair back, and signals her to sit. Yelena rolls her eyes but follows directions promptly. She knows better than to not. Once she's on the chair, Kate pushes it in so Yelena's body is flush against the table. Yelena goes to remove the silver cloche dome that rested atop her plate.

"No! No. Not yet."

"Kate, come on!"

Five seconds later, when she feels she's situated herself in her chair properly, Kate nods.

"Okay, you can take it off now."

Yelena mumbles what Kate is certain is some less than pleasant thing in Russian.

"So...on the right you have some Baby Cow covered in Baby Bella Mushroom sauce. On the left you have some dry rubbed Baby Back Ribs. For the sides we have Baby Corn, Baby Carrots, Baby Spinach, and Baby Potatoes. Oh...we should definitely start with the Baby Pancakes and the..."

"Wait, please..." The exasperation in Yelena's voice is becoming clear. "That is a blini, Kate. No one calls it 'baby pancake'. That's like saying scone is baby cake. It makes no sense. It's a blini."

"It's a baby pancake with baby fish eggs."

"Baby fish eggs?! Kate, please. PLEASE. That is caviar." Yelena thinks for a beat then a thought hits her. "Did you get into your mother's wine collection again? This is wine drunk Kate Bishop things."

Kate laughs.

"No wine. I'm completely sober."

"Then out of all crazy things my wife has done, this might be craziest. And what is with all the baby things? Americans are so weird. Just buy normal size and cut into small piece when you eat. How hard can that be?! Can I eat now, Kate? Please."

"You can eat."

Kate is incapable of holding back her smile, or laughter for that matter, so she sits back and watches Yelena tear into the plate like a starved animal.

"Hmmm...it is very good. Very good. Thank you for making it, милая. I was really hungry." Yelena realizes Kate hasn't touched her plate. "What? You are not eating."

Kate snickers.

"I'm good."

"Why you are not eating?"

"I'm fine. Just eat."

Yelena scans Kate's smiling face and squints.

"No. Tsk tsk. Something is wrong and you say you are 'fine' now and then you will be mad at me for a week later if I do not figure it out. What is it?"

It's impossible for Kate to be smiling any harder at this point.

"Nothing's wrong. I promise."

"Kate Bishop..."

"I have nothing to be mad about. Finish your food."

"Only if you tell me what is happening."

"Look at the table. What's the common denominator?"

Yelena's eyes carefully examine everything around her as she takes a few more bites.

"Did...you get everything at farmer's market?"

Kate laughs.

"Nope. Definitely not it."

"Kate..."

"Baby...you're too smart for this, c'mon. What's the one thing everything I just mentioned has in common? You just pointed it out two minutes ago."

"I do not want to play games. You tell me what you want me to know that way you do not get mad at me later. Everyone is happier."

"Baby..."

"Yes?"

Yelena responds while shoving a forkful of food into her mouth. Kate laughs in earnest and shakes her head. How much clearer can she make it at this point?

"You're being so thick right now."

"YOU are thick. Just tell me, Kate."

"Okay. Look at me. Focus. Think about the one really important thing we've been holding for an answer on and then look at your plate."

Yelena huffs. She examines her plate for a beat then stares at Kate.

"Kate, I don't k..." Something clicks. Yelena knits her brow. She glances down at her plate, up at a beaming Kate, and back at her plate. "...блять...” Yelena’s heart starts beating so fast she can hear it ringing in her ears. "And you are sure, yes? Very extra sure?"

"Lift your placemat."

Yelena unceremoniously pushes the plate aside and moves the placemat. She doesn't need to see the entire ultrasound picture before she's on her feet and rushing over to Kate.

Yelena forces Kate's chair away from the table and attempts to kiss her wife but they fail miserably. They're both smiling too unbelievably wide. Yelena kneels before Kate's seat. Her hands naturally find her way to Kate's lap and from there slowly make her way to Kate's still flat stomach.

"How long have you known?"

"A little while."

"Why did you not tell me?!"

"Doesn't exactly feel like a Facetime conversation."

"Hmmm..."

Yelena knows there's a hint of reproach behind that one.

"It's okay. You're here now."

"I am."

Yelena leans in for a real kiss this time. The first real one they've shared in twenty days. Kate starts to melt into it when, suddenly, Yelena yanks her head and puts distance between them. She stares at Kate wide-eyed and stressed.

"We need to buy baby a fork."

Kate bursts out laughing.

"What is it with you and cutlery?"

"Because it is kind of important! You use it every day!"

Kate pecks Yelena's lips repeatedly as she chuckles.

"I think we have some time before we worry about that one."

[xneens]

hoe hoe hoe - part one

Warnings: dark!Steve, student/teacher relationship

Word count: 2.2k

Pairings: Professor!Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Your dad's best friend isn't exactly who you thought he'd be.

chris evans masterlist

Walking in the front door, the smell of eggnog, and pine hit your nose, mixing in with the warmth of the newly cooked food in the kitchen. Looking around the house, you registered how much decorating you had left your father to do, pondering whether or not he strained his back putting up the Christmas tree. You'd have to make it up to him somehow.

"Dad! I'm home." you yelled out, stepping out of your shoes. Even with the amount of work he had done, he still had the time to shovel the driveway despite the heavy amount of snow that had precipitated last night. The mixed-breed boxer pawed his way to you, the dog panting as he snuggled himself against your leg. "Hey, cutie."

Your father stuck his head from the kitchen, motioning for you to come into the room. "In the kitchen. I was getting worried that you got stuck in traffic. It's an absolute nightmare coming into the city from 122 right now."

Entering the kitchen with Dodger, you went to hug your dad, your arms wrapping around his waist. The man chuckled, giving your cold body a hug back before kissing your forehead. You sighed, pulling away, looking around the kitchen to see the dining room covered with food. "Traffic was a bitch, but I managed to get out of it. Although, I may have made a couple of people mad, but you gotta do what you have to do, right?"

"You got that right, pumpkin." he replied. For someone with a 20 year old daughter, the man was young, having you with his high school sweetheart at 19. He gestured at the food. "You hungry? I made all of this and I'm not sure that everyone at the party will eat all of this."

"Jesus, Dad, were you drunk when you made all of this? This is enough to feed the whole country." you commented, walking up to the table to grab a mini quiche off the plate. Your tongue swirled around the food, relishing the flavor. It was a gift having your father as a successful chef.

"I may have went overboard with the cooking, but I got excited." he explained, chuckling. Pouring some eggnog in a mug, he offered it to you, taking a sip of his own before announcing his news. "An old friend of mine is coming for the party. My best friend in college. He's in town for the holidays, and he'll be staying with us for a few. That okay?"

You nodded, washing the remaining quiche in the eggnog, swallowing it down. "Yeah, that's fine. Who's this friend of yours? Have I met him before?"

"You used to call him Uncle Steve, but he left for Brooklyn when you were four. I doubt you'd remember him but he gave you that necklace last year when he couldn't make it. He's a professor in Brooklyn now, but he wanted to come to Boston, spend the holidays with us."

"Wait, he gave me this necklace?" you asked, holding up the golden angel wings between your fingers. Your dad nodded, untying the knot on his apron. "Oh, wow. Hey, I officially get to thank him for it."

You dad agreed, nodding again as he popped a mint in his mouth, his teeth grinding down on it. "Yes, you will. He'll appreciate seeing you again. He's been talking about seeing his favorite girl—shit."

"Something wrong?"

"I forgot to pick up the ham today. I've been so busy making everything for today that I completely forgot about the main course for tomorrow." said your father, rubbing the bridge of his nose, mentally slapping himself. He sighed. "Can you take the pie out of the oven when it's ready? I have to run to the store really quick and get the ham."

Shaking your head, you stopped him, pushing his clearly exhausted body into the nearest chair, shaking a finger at him when he tried to stand back up. "No, no, no. You're tired and you need to rest. I'll get the ham, and anything else you need. Text me a list."

"Pumpkin, you don't have to do that. You just got home—" he was cut off by your insistent expression, the man relenting. "Okay, fine. Go to the Costco, they have a better selection there. And drive safe, it's supposed to be snowing tonight but with Massachusetts weather, you never know if it'll start early."

"Gotcha. I'll be back soon. In the meantime, you sit, rest, and text me a list of things I need." you said, grabbing the keys from the table. The cold air hit your face, your cheeks stinging from the impact. You winced, wishing home was somewhere warmer.

The drive to Costco was nostalgic, the familiar buildings and roads bringing back memories so deep you forgot they existed. The little ice cream place reminded you of your first kiss with your first grade boyfriend. You had immediately broken up with him the next day, claiming it was the way he walked when he asked if it was his sloppy peck on the lips. You had lied through your teeth.

Slosh was fun, it made it that much gross to walk through the barely shoveled parking lot, nearly slipping as you reached the entrance. One of the employees by the door handed you a cart, giving you a curt smile before returning to his spot.

Pushing the cart down the aisles, you immediately head to the grocery area, getting a text from your dad of all the food to get. With how short the list was, the cart had been unnecessary, but you decided to get all the last minute Christmas shopping out of the way, grabbing a Christmas card to match the present you had gotten for your father.

You had just bent over, reaching for the ham when you heard your name called, the familiar voice making you look up. A few feet behind you stood your history professor, a surprised smile on his face as he took you in. You returned the smile, stunned by the sight of you professor. "Professor Rogers? Hey, what're you doing here?"

The blond raised an eyebrow, his piercing blue eyes flickering to the necklace visible. He smirked inside, his heart warming at the thought. "I'm in the city for the holidays. I'm staying with a friend, catch up with them. What about you? Any exciting plans for Christmas?"

"Just spending it with my dad." you replied, reaching behind you to randomly grab a ham, not looking at the brand, and dropped it in the cart. "To be honest, I didn't think you could even leave Brooklyn. I mean, you practically worship the city, it's a surprise seeing you outside of it."

Professor Rogers laughed, his laughter was what you imagined angels to sound like. To say you had a tiny crush on the hot professor was understandable, although, so did everyone who had eyes. The professor leaned against the freezer, his eyes never breaking from yours. "Brooklyn's nice but it's nice to get out once in a while. That's a beautiful necklace you have there."

"Thanks, I got it from my dad's friend." you said, blushing slightly at the compliment. Taking a quick look at your phone, you noted you had everything your dad had asked for. Glancing back up at the Professor Rogers, you noticed how close he was, barely a few feet away. You gave him a smile. "It was nice seeing you, Professor. I'll see you in class."

Before you could move your cart, the professor placed a hand on it, motioning for you to pause. The blond scratched the back of his head, rocking back and forth on his heels. "Do you need help with anything? I can help you load this in your car, if you want."

"I didn't realize you worked at Costco, Professor." you teased, earning the cutest blush from the blond. Giggling, you shook your head, enjoying his company a lot more than it was allowed. "Don't worry, it's fine. It's not a lot, and I wouldn't want to bother—"

"You're not." he interrupted, sheepishly staring at the floor. The professor made himself look up, smirking when he realized you were blushing. "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to. Humor me?"

Call it stupidity or side effects of Steve Rogers' presence, but you wanted to spend more time with him, no matter how domestic the chore. Your smile widened, if possible, and you nodded. "Alright, if you insist. I've gotten everything I need, so I can tag along with you."

"All I really needed was some coffee," Professor Rogers held up the little plastic container filled with coffee grounds. Your thoughts immediately went to his hands wrapped around the cylinder, mentally slapping yourself for finding the simple action hot. "I'm ready to go if you are."

"Oh, okay. Let's go then."

The wall from the grocery area to the checkout was rather fun, the professor making you blush too many times to count, the smile on either of your faces never leaving. It wasn't a secret how many people fought to be in his class, guys included, mostly trying to "bond" with the professor only to get turned down every time someone had the balls to ask him. But it never stopped anyone from trying. It was almost pathetic, but very amusing in a sadistic way.

Professor Rogers held your grocery bags in his hands, effortlessly carrying them while you tried to take them back, feeling bad for having your professor help you out. The man would wave away your pleas, and you gave up as soon as you neared your car, unlocking the doors, and opened the trunk, Professor Rogers unloading all the bags inside. You bit back a smile, admiring the view, jealously wondering who would be lucky enough to end up as his wife.

He closed up the trunk once he was done, shifting his weight between his feet. "So, are you staying in Boston for the whole break or...?"

"Yup. I haven't spent much time with my dad since summer, and I've been guilted to stay in the cold since he's too stubborn to go somewhere warmer." you answered, playfully rolling your eyes. Professor Rogers walked you to the driver's side while you played with your keys, not wanting to say goodbye to him already. "What about you?"

"Me, too." said the professor, tucking his hands in his winter coat. He sighed, the smile dropping. "It was really nice to see you. I'll see you soon, sweetheart."

You nearly swooned at the nickname, cursing your heart for being so easily affected. "You, too, Professor. Happy Holidays and all that."

He laughed, walking off with a wave, the smile that had fallen now impended on his face as he walked back to his car. Steve turned around to see you get in yours, unsubtly staring at your ass. He sighed once again, a wave of sadness washing over him, the feeling he got every time he had to say goodbye to you. It would only be a couple of minutes, but it didn't make him hate it any less.

You drove off after a few seconds of getting your shit together; seeing your unbearable hot professor made you feel like a disgusting head-over-heels in love teenager. Or in other words, it made you the same as those desperate girls back on campus. You scoffed at the thought, starting your car. Hopefully, you'd see him again before class starts, but you highly doubt it.

Snow was falling, the little flurries making it harder to see through the windshield, only to stop suddenly when you reached your house. You grabbed the groceries from the trunk, easily carrying it into the house, so focused on not slipping that you hadn't noticed a very familiar car in the driveway.

Opening the door with ease, you entered the house, almost getting knocked out by the eager dog, jumping up on you. Laughing, you placed all the bags in one arm, reaching down with your free one to pet Dodger. The dog panted happily, his tongue sticking out of his mouth as it dismounted it's paws off your legs. The house had gotten awfully warm, even for you, and you immediately set the bags down to take off your coat. You hadn't noticed the shoes besides the door.

"Dad, I'm back." you announced, picking up the bags and headed to the kitchen, your gaze on the floor, careful not to slip.

Your father clapped Steve's back, the broad blond's presence gone unnoticed by you while you dropped the bags on the kitchen island. Your dad smiled. "Thanks, pumpkin. Honey, this is Steve, my buddy from college."

You turned around, facing them, a grin on your face, only to drop slightly when you saw who Steve was. There, standing in the middle of your kitchen, stood your history professor, all six feet of him, nonchalantly grinning at you. He engulfed you in a hug, leaving you breathless. "Professor?"

"Hello, sweetheart."

next >

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

[lilac-castle-in-the-sky]

Unholy part 3 - Hate

Part 1 Part 2

Warnings: dirty talk, unprotected sex, spanking and overall smuttines.

All i want to do when i get to my aparment is curl up and die under a blanket in my bed cause i just can't believe i did something so stupid like sleeping with my Professor, i leave my bag on the floor and faceplant onto the bed, my jaw protests and i blush remembering all the things i've done today.

I take my phone out, I have unseen texts from Emily.

Em <3: still breathing?

Em <3: how did it go?

Me: it's better if you start writing to him for the next meetings from now on, he hates me.

Em <3: That bad?

It was amazing, actually.

Me: it was horrible, he's an asshole

at least that last bit was true.

She keeps texting me afterwards, but i'm exhausted, i barely manage to take off my jeans before falling asleep with the ghost of Professor Laufeyson's hands roaming through my body.

i'm sore the next day, and the day after that as well, the most delicious kind of sore you could be, but is torture for me because everytime i feel all the places where he has marked me i'm reminded of how much i liked all the diry things he did and said to me and how wrong it is.

When Monday rolls around and it's our team's turn to do our first presentation, I keep blushing like a highschooler everytime i say something that reminds me of him. Emily notices my nervousness, but I manage to convince her I'm just nervous about the presentation.

When it ends and i check my phone i realize i have an email from Laufeyson, i’m nervous as i open it, and just as i feared, is a polite email asking to see me in his office tomorrow at 2 p.m, it’s so innocuous nobody would suspect the real reason why he wants to see me, so i respond in the same way informing him i have a test at that time. I do have class, just not a test, i don't’ want to see him alone again since i’m not all to sure i can be a responsible person a just stay away because clearly he can’t.

there is no response after that, and i go about the rest of my day thankful i’ve dealt with this whole ordeal, i manage not to think about him up until is nighttime and i’m laying on my bed trying to sleep, yet everytime i close my eyes i see him in his fancy pants and shirt, i see his blue darkened gaze devouring my body over my clothing, i imagine the mattress sinking beneath his weight as he positions himself on top of me and his dark smirk as he realizes it i can’t fight how much i want him no matter how hard i try.

i wake up with new resolve the next day, Loki Laufeyson can go choke on a dick if he wants to, i’m not intending on letting him invade my every thought, the next time i see him i’ll make sure he knows he shoot his shot with me and i’m never coming back to him again.

Classes go well for the most part, i manage to pay attention to the lectures this time, i eat lunch with Emily and forget about friday night for the first time, even as i enter the lecture hall for my 2 p.m class i’m feeling great, that is until half an hour into the lecture Laufeyson’s secretary knocks on the door and goes up to Professor Rogers to say something, i know what’s happening even before he calls my name, i start to pick up my stuff, Emily is asking me what’s going on and i just answer i have no idea.

I wonder if his secretary knows what’s happening as we walk together back to his office, i wonder if she’s done this before for him. Is he in the habit of sleeping with his students? maybe that’s why he never has time for anything,he uses all his free time fucking them.

i’m angry when she knocks on his door and informs me i can go inside, i wish the damn thing wasn't so damn heavy so i could at least slam it open. he looks pleased to see me, his eyes devour my body, the exposed skin of my legs, the white tennis skirt that hits right in the middle of my thighs, my chest is covered by a baby green sweater, but that doesn’t stop his hungry gaze, i can’t help but blush when his eyes reach my face.

"Miss Galloway, you lied to me" he doesn’t stand up from his chair behind his desk, and i don’t want to come close to him, so i stand in the middle of the room holding onto my bag like my life depends on it.

"I had class" i sound annoyed, and i want to be, at the fact that he pulled me out of class just because he needed someone to warm his dick, but annoyance is not the feeling that i get when thinking about letting him fuck me in his office in the middle of the day when anybody could hear us.

"But not a test"

"i don’t have anything to talk about with you, Professor"

He stands up and starts walking towards me, moving in long elegant strides across the room, i can’t help but admire him in black tailored pants and white shirt, i want to grab it between my hands just annoy him with the creases that would probably form, his hair is pulled back today giving me a clear view of his perfectly chiseled face.

"Well we know i didn't call you to talk" there’s a smirk on his face when he says it, cause he knows the kind of thoughts that invade my mind at the sight of him.

"Professor, i'd like to keep our relationship exclusively academic" i keep calling him that way hoping the word may knock some sense into him, but all it does is excite my body with the thought of something dangerous and forbidden. Is this why he does it too? for the thrill of it?

"Why?"

"Cause its innapropiate, cause i dont want to feel like ive earned my final grade a different way, cause you are a fucking asshole and i dont wanna be with you anymore" it’s a mistake to say those last two statements to his face, because he has come closer to me and can see the way chest moves rapidly up and down, because he is not blind and can see they way i look at him, and because i’m such a terrible liar that i can’t stop my eyes from falling to his mouth as i speak.

"Liar"

"I don't need to explain myself to you" i need to leave before this escalates, but my legs don’t respond, i just stand there as Professor Laufeyson puts his hands around me, i let my bag fall to floor so i can put my arms around his neck, and the movement it’s so natural to me i don’t know what to think about it.

"you like it when i treat you like a slut” he leans in a whispers in my ear, pushing me against his erection “when i put you in your damn place” his hands go down my body and under my tennis skirt to grab my buttcheeks “you like it so much that if i bend you over right now and spank you the only thing you'd do would be beg for more" he pushes me against him grinding his erection against my stomach.

"why do you have to put that kind of imagry in my fucking mind?" why does he have to make it so fucking hard for me to leave?

"Why do you have to be such a dirty mouthed little girl?" He leans forward to capture my lower lip between his teeth and kisses me.

"Fuck you" i whisper against his lips.

he gathers the back of my skirt with one hand and spanks me with the other, it stings and I pull myself out of the kiss with surprise written all over my face.

“every one of those is a spank Miss Galloway, and since you seem to be so fond cursing i'm sure you have quite the tally already”

He turns me around and walks me to his desk, securing both of my hands behind my back, he pushes me down until my chest lies in the mahogany, I wiggle my ass for him, and he frees one of his hands to push my tennis skirt up revealing my cotton underwear, he gathers it in his fist and pulls upwards, pushing the fabric in between the crease of my ass, leaving the rest of the skin exposed, he slaps his open palm against one of my cheeks and it stings, i let out a strangled scream as i move my hands against his, trying to free myself.

"Count them" he orders, and lets his hand fall on my other cheek.

"One" I swallow my scream to say it.

"Good little girl" he sounds pleased as he says it, running his hands over my ass, separating my cheeks to let the cool air hit my wet clothed pussy.

A second one comes shortly after, and a third one after that, he hits the spot between my ass and the back of my thighs, it stings more there but i still count them muffling my screams against his desk, he runs his hands over the spot again after the fourth one, trying to sooth the sting, but the growing pulsations on my core are the ones that need attention the most.

"Well aren't you a filthy little girl?" He asks, pressing his fingers over the damp spot on my underwear, he moves around until he finds my clothed entrance and he pushes, just enough so I barely feel the intrusion at all, I whine.

He spanks me again, as his hand moves over the fabric to find my clit and i barely manage to let out a breathy six as he starts to rub it, with the seven and eight i know he can feel the pulsations of it cause he starts to move his hand faster which prompts me to move my hips against him. I miss the ninth and he retires his hand in punishment, making me whine again.

“I need to hear you, miss Galloway” good God even the way he speaks makes me wet, the deep commanding tone with that good damned accent of his, I shiver.

He spanks me again, and returns his hand to my cunt when i say nine, using one finger to rub on my clit and other to push against my entrance over the fabric of my underwear, i’m a mess when the tenth hits, barely managing to say the number as his hand moves faster, he lowers himself, and starts to lick me, using his tongue to replace the finger his has been pushing over my entrance. I moan, bracing myself against the edges of the desk to move my hips to his rhythm.

“Professor '' I'm out of breath as I come, barely able to say anything but the word as my orgasm washes over me, clouding my better judgment and burying the voice of my conscience urging me to make better choices.

Finally, he hooks his fingers over both sides of my underwear and pulls it down. I'm still lying on the desk trying to recover my breath, but I hear him sniff and I know I'm not getting those back now, he turns his attention back to me soon enough.

"I got an injection just so i could come into this pretty little pussy of yours" he runs his fingers over my overly sensitive folds, making me whimper, he chuckles in my ear as he spreads my wetness around, teasing me "would you like that Miss Galloway, would you like me to use you and fill you, cause i've been dying to get inside you ever since that day"

I move my ass for him, cause i can't do anything but that at the moment, still high on the pleasure he has given me. But he turns me around, puts one of his hands on the back of my neck and pushes me up, closer to him, so I can look into his darkened eyes and be drowned by the desire in them.

"No dear, i need you to tell me"

"i want you to fuck me and cum inside my pussy" i’m not ashamed as i say it, and i see the mischevious smile for on his lips right before he leans in and kisses me, everytime he does, is all consuming, he doesn’t half ass anything he does, everytime all my ratioal thoughts scape me.

he grabs my waist and pushes me close to the edge of the desk, still kissing me, i’m distantly aware of him pulling out his dick and i’m awakened by his head pushing into my entrance, i hold onto his biceps as he invades me, stretching me as he slowly fills my body, he grabs my chin and makes me hold eye contact as his balls hit my ass. Laufeyson gives me a few seconds to fill the stretch of my walls around him, to feel full as his eyes devour me.

“You feel so good Miss Galloway” he whispers with a strangled voice “you are perfect for me”

And then he starts to move, at a slow pace at first that slowly builds as my moans increase in volume, he pushes my sweater up and I reach around to unclasp my bra so he can take them both off. He descends upon my breasts then, sucking on a nipple as he massages the other, he uses his teeth and tongue over it sending bolts of electricity directly to my core, i put my hands on his head and start to move my hips to meet him, i feel him smile against my skin.

“Do you want to ride me, little girl?”

i nod at first, but say yes when he doesn’t move, i put my hands around his neck as he lifts me, i secure my legs around his hips as he walks us to the leather couch on his office, he sits down, both of his arms splayed at the sides of his body, letting me take control of the situation.

I roll my hips back and forth, enjoying the delicious feeling of his dick moving inside me, i start to move up and down, my tits jumping as i do, he grabs one and starts playing with my nipple between his fingers until it's nothing but a hardened pebble against his hand. I throw my head back, putting my hands on his chest to move faster, his hand slithers up my chest until it rests against my neck and I find myself going furiously up and down his dick even faster.

“choke me” my sentence is half a moan “please, choke me '' there is not an ounce of shame left in me as i ask Professor Laufeyson to choke me as i ride his dick, and he does it, he closes his hand around my neck cutting out the airflow on my windpipe, drawning my moans as i move faster over his dick chasing my relief.

he uses his other hand to rub on my clit and i start to silently whimper as the lack of oxygen and his attention over my bundle of nerves pushes me closer and closer to the best orgasm i’ve had, it doesn’t take long to achieve my release, i come hard, stars dance behind my eyes as my scream is killed in my throat by the lack of air, my body convulses, my pussy pulsating against his dick, trying to milk him for his last drop of cum, i feel twitching inside me as i start to come down from my high and my legs shake at both sides of his.

I fall forward on his chest, he is still fully clothed, but he has me here with my tits out pressing against him, his hands don't move from my hips as he continues to pump back and forth inside me the last of his orgasm, we are so close to intimacy in this moment my brain is screaming for me to run out the door but i can't get myself to fight his embrace.

"what are you doing on friday?" he asks once he stops moving, i get up from his chest to look at him, and i intend on climbing down for him, but he doesn't let my hips go, his semi-hard on impaling my cunt, i bite the inside of my cheek.

"i have a date, why?" it's not true, i was going to go out with Em probably, or stay home and study if something came up, but i'm curious to know how he will react, the small rational part of my brain that i have shackled in the most obscure part of my mind is asking me why the fuck do i want to make him jelous.

i don't know.

"You had a date" Laufeyson says with a possessive tone, he switches his grip on me, practically hugging my hips which prompts me to fall back against him, I put my hands against his chest and my eyes close on their own once he starts slowly moving inside me again.

"fuck you" i say in a breathy moan, he chuckles.

"in my bed, on Friday, we can do whatever we want" i want to see him naked, with the thought comes the realization that he has fucked me twice and i have yet to see an inch of the skin bellow his clothes.

my eyes open then to find his blue gaze on me, i blame the lazy pumps of his dick for my reaction, because all i can think about is how much i want to lick every sharp edge of his face until i memorize it with my tongue, i lean forward to leave a kiss over his jaw, his arms tighten around me, his slow pace is killing me, buy i keep moving to the other side, living another kiss there.

My hands find their way to his lips and i trace the contour of them, i don't dare to look him in the eyes when i hear him grunt, somehow he manages to go in deeper inside me, i let myself go, my mouth falls against his and he kisses me slowly, savoring me, my walls start to clench around him, already close to my third orgasm today, he lets my hips go to grab my face and make me look at him.

my lips miss his instantly, but i don't have time to dwell on that though because he whispers "Say my name, Rowan"

Fuck.

He has never called me by my name before.

"Loki" a moan scapes his mouth when i say it, his movements inside me start to get sharper, he hits just the right spot but i find myself unable to take my eyes off him, even as the orgasm starts to built, hotter than the ones before, all i can do is repeat it's his name.

"Loki" i moan his name when the orgasm finally hits me, breathless, while the other ones felt like dropping from a rollercoaster at high speed, i feel like this one has me floating in the sky and then he comes inside me for a second time and i go up higher.

"Fuck, Rowan" i don't think anybody has ever said my name like that before and i want to cry.

i put my hands on his lips "don't say my name like that"

he kisses the tip before answering, my heart shrinks on my chest "like what?"

"like it means something to you" he doesn't say anything, but kisses me instead, turning us around so i'm the one seating on the couch, he comes out of my, his cum spills out of my pussy as he goes for the tissues on his desk, he comes back and leans in front of my still spread legs, i have the impulse to close them when i realize what he is going to do, but he puts one of his hands on my inner thigh, stoping me.

"i can do that" i say, trying to reach for the tissue box, he moves it out of my reach.

"let me" his tone is soft and gentle, as are his hands as he cleans up his cum from my dripping cunt, my cheeks turn a deep red when he looks up to find my eyes, he smirks and finishes the job by giving me a kiss in the inside of my thigh.

"i can't see you on friday" i say, trying to tame my hair with my hands after i've gotten dressed.

"But you don't have a date anymore" Loki says, pointing to me as he picks up the things I threw from his desk.

"i have to study"

"I can help you" I laugh.

"no, you can't, you want to fuck me" he shoots me a glare, like the things he just did to me werent far more scandalous than a curse word and i blow him a kiss, he walks towards me, capturing my hand and pulling me in to kiss me.

"I want to own you" he says, and I should say something, but I don't.

[ishipdestiel-lovesofmylifeistg85]

SPN Advent Calendar 2020- Day 12: The One With The Dancing (also posted on AO3, link below) https://archiveofourown.org/works/28160919

It's Christmas Eve at the cabin. A simple red and green wreath hangs from the mantle. Atop are several framed photos of Donna and Jody smiling and laughing together at various times. Some with, others without all variations of Alex, Claire and Kaia. 

Donna sits alone by the fire. Sipping from her glass of wine, she stares out at the night sky from the window beside her. Her pink laptop on the ottoman in front of her, quietly plays Nat King Cole.

Cas enters the room, clearing his throat so he won't startle her.

She looks over and gives a light smile, her head still against the back of the chair. "Hey there." She says. Her puffy eyes, along with the box of tissues sitting next to her in the chair, give her away.

 Picking up the bottle, Cas refills Donna's glass.

"Thanks." She says, sniffling.

"Have you heard from the girls yet?" He asks, his face soft with sympathy.

She shuffles the blanket from her lap and sets her bare feet on the floor. "Uh, no. Not yet. Alex is working tonight and Claire and Kaia are at a Christmas party. They promised we would video chat tomorrow." She adds, with a sigh.

"Would you like some company?" He asks, gesturing toward the loveseat across from her.

"I don't know how much company I'll be." She swallows, eyes darting to the floor. A soft gasp escapes as she attempts to stifle a sob. The lines around her eyes crinkle as her mouth curves into a frown.

Cas sits down across from her. 

She covers her face with her hands, broken breaths as tears run down her cheeks. "Sorry." She says, wiping her eyes with a tissue. 

"We're here for you, Donna. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm sure it's extremely difficult. I just wish there was a way I could ease your pain."

"I just miss her." She says, voice soft and trembling.

"I know you do. We all do." He offers, leaning up and placing a firm hand on her knee.

She nods, face scrunching. She brings the tissue to her nose.

"Jody would kick my ass if she saw me sitting here feeling sorry for myself. If she knew I couldn't even handle having Christmas with the girls. You know, if the situation was reversed, she wouldn't let anything keep her from spending Christmas all together. She always was stronger than me though. I always admired that about her."

"I think you're selling yourself short. And don't give her so much credit. You can't say what she'd do if the situation was reversed. Also, I think you might be underestimating how much you meant to her. Who's to say she wouldn't be right here where you are now, reacting the exact same way."

This brings a smile to Donna's face. "Thanks, Cas." She says, gently taking his hand.

A high pitched, whine-turned-wail comes across the baby monitor in Cas' hand.

Donna wipes her eyes again. "Somebody's awake." She says smiling, the light from the fire reflecting her dimples.

"Yeah, time to eat." Cas says, standing up and walking down the hall.

She gets up and moves her laptop to the table. The infant's crying gets louder, as Dean and Cas come into view. 

"I tried to tell him to stay in bed". Cas nods toward Dean. "That I can feed him, but stubborn Daddy thinks he has to try to do everything." He says, shaking his head.

Dean's eyes are barely open as he gently rocks and shushes baby Logan. 

"I'll go fix his bottle, sweetie." Cas says, kissing Dean on the cheek. He heads to the kitchen with the diaper bag hanging from his shoulder.

"I know you're hungry, buddy. We're gonna get you taken care of." Logan's cries soften, but continue. "I know, I know. Daddy's got you babe."

"Can I hold him" Donna asks, her face bright. She sets down her glass on the end table.

"Of course." Dean says, walking over and gently placing the infant into Donna's arms.

"Awww. You're even cuter than you were a few hours ago!" She exclaims, in full baby talk mode.

Dean sits across from her in the loveseat, smiling and watching how her eyes shimmer with Logan in her arms. His eyelids flutter, burning in desperation for more slumber.

Cas walks back into the room. "Here you go. Got it all ready for you." He walks straight over to Donna. 

"You wanna feed him?" He offers.

"Really, you don't mind?" She asks, her face lighting up even more.

"Of course not." He says, handing her the bottle. She readjusts, barely getting the bottle to his lips before his mouth is latched on and gulping the milk down. "There we go, see? Your Daddies have got you covered, little man."

Cas turns and sits next to Dean, putting his arm around his back. Dean slides up next to him,  nuzzling his face against the crook of his neck. 

Cas whispers in his ear. "You should go back to bed. I'll stay up and-"

He's cut off by Dean snoring lightly.

He and Donna chuckle.

"Poor baby. I know he's gotta be exhausted." Donna says quietly.

A loving smile spreads across Cas' lips as he closes his eyes and strokes the nape of Dean's neck. "Such a devoted Dad." He says proudly.

"You both are. This little guy is the luckiest boy in the world to have you two as his parents."

"I've never been happier." Cas says, shifting to face more toward him, he leans his cheek against the top of Dean's head. Covering his hand with his own, he takes a deep breath.

"Wow, you really were hungry. Okay, it's been a while, but I do remember you should burp between every few ounces." She tells baby Logan. 

Taking the bottle from his lips, he starts to whine. She shushes him and gently moves him to lay across her shoulder as she lightly but firmly pats his back.

"I know, you're not done yet sweetie. Just gotta get rid of the gas, so it won't hurt your little tummy." 

It doesn't take much coaxing before there's a low burp from the infant and she moves him back down into the crook of her arm. "Good job, Logan. Such a good job! Here you go, you can have some more now."

She smiles and continues to feed him, stopping to burp every few minutes. Continuing to praise him with baby talk, she gazes at his light blonde hair and blue eyes. All the while he just innocently stares at her, making little happy noises as he eats.

Once the bottle is empty, she burps him one last time. Standing up with him, and begins to talk to him again.

"You're such a good baby. You're a sweetie pie, Logan. Absolutely precious. I'm so glad your Daddies brought you to visit me."

Glancing over at the loveseat she sees the two worn out men dozing curled against each other. Walking over to the laptop, she turns up the music just a hair.

Logan coos happily as she begins to sway to the music with him still carefully held against her shoulder. "Let's let your Daddies rest for a little while.

She feels a wave of happiness sweep over her as she holds the tiny boy against her.  "Merry Christmas, Jody." She whispers.

[onebangtanstan]

Power Style - Chapter Seven : The shooting

I wake up before my alarm. I'm way too excited for today. The hard work I put in these last few days is finally going to come to life before my eyes.

I have quite some time before I have to be at the shoot, so I lay in bed for a bit, scrolling on my phone. I go through social media and I obviously see pictures of BTS. It's weird to think that I know them now.

As I head to my kitchen, my phone rings. It's too early for this but I pick up anyway.

« Hello? » I ask, not knowing the number that's calling.

« Hiiii! I'm so excited for today, I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd call you! Fancy some coffee? »

I recognize Hoseok's voice, and it made me realize I completely forgot to add their numbers to my contact list.

« Um.. sure why not! I'm not ready though »

« No problem! I'll give you some time to get ready, and pick you up in.. let's see.. half an hour? »

« Perfect! I'll send you my address »

We hang up and I immediately type in my address while walking to my bathroom. I hop in the shower, and enjoy the hot water waking up my body. I head to my wardrobe, leaving a trail of wet footprints on the floor.

I make my mind up about my outfit rather quickly. I'm going to be standing up all day, so flats for sure. I go for a simple jeans and t-shirt, which is probably what I'll be wearing all week.

I head back to the bathroom, put on just a bit of makeup to look fresh. While I'm finishing up, Hoseok sends me a text. « Here in 5 »

Just enough time to put my coat on and head out the door.

He jumps in my arms as I get to him. I really love his energy. He's dressed very casually, no makeup on, he obviously knows how today is going to go.

We get in the car, and he talks about how happy he is to do this collaboration. He loves fashion (and it shows) but he really enjoys partnerships, shootings and all that goes with it.

We head to Starbucks, not wanting to think too much about what to drink.

I have a simple latte, so does he.

We sit down for a bit and he asks me about the ideas behind the shoot.

« I love it! It's gonna be so cool! »

I'm glad he likes it! I hope the others feel the same way too.

We head back to the car that drives straight to the shoot.

As soon as we get there, I get into Director mode.

« Ok, Hoseok, let's get your makeup done, we'll then get you dressed and we can start the shoot.»

He gets very professional too, simply nodding at what I say and heads to the makeup station.

I take the opportunity to fix last minute details regarding the visual.

About an hour later everyone is ready to start shooting. We take a few pictures with the first look, and do a part of the video. He changes to his second look and we keep going.

We're all getting hungry at this point, but he stays extremely professional. I can tell thats he's getting tired but he keeps going. He moves the way he's told to, and does what he has to do.

It's 1 pm and we're about to stop for the day. Hoseok is now messing around with the collection, kind of done being serious.

He's walking around with a shoe on his head. It actually looks good.

« Hoseok, could you go back to the set? I wanna try one last thing »

He obeys and starts being serious again.

« No, keep going, put the shoe back on your head. » I indicate to him.

He does as I say, and I tell the photographer to shoot. It looks amazing.

« Thanks Hoseok, I think we have everything we need. Thanks everyone, let's call it a day! »

I let everyone one go for today, afternoons will be meant for editing the day's pictures. It's the only way we can work this out.

Hoseok is back in his normal clothes now, with a packet of doritos in his hands. He comes towards.

« How did I do? » He asks

« You were amazing Hoseok, thank you for being so professional »

« Please call me Hobi, we're past first-names. »

« Hobi » I smile at him.

« Wanna go for lunch? » He asks enthusiastically

« Yeah sure! I just need to wrap a few things up here. »

I go to my team to give them instructions for the rest of the day. They're meant to send me everything as soon as it's edited.

Hobi and I spend the rest of the day together. We go for lunch then shopping, and we really have a fun time together.

I decide to go home, knowing I still have work to do, and need to rest for tomorrow. We set up a dinner date for after the shooting is over.

I get home and look at the results of today's work. It's perfect. I work for a couple of hours, before going to bed.

While I'm starting to fall asleep, I get a text from Hobi. « By the way! Have fun with Jin tomorrow! 😉 »

I can't help but smile.

I wake up in a hurry. I can't wait for this to be over, I'm exhausted already.

I rush to the set, grabbing some coffee on the way. Jin there already, getting his makeup done. Thank God my team knows what to do.

He sees me walk in, and immediately says

« There she is! WorldWide Cutie Girl! »

« Hi Jin! » I say back, lightly blushing.

« You look beautiful today! »

I thank him with a head bow and get to work.

Everything is already set up from yesterday, we just need to adjust a few lightings.

We start the shoot, and Jin looks very good. I mean, VERY good. The way he looks on picture is so far from his personnality, but I like it. He brings his spark to the shoot as well, joking around and being goofy, but getting the job done nonetheless.

We get through the shoot seamlessly, the different looks all looking great on him.

I start packing my things up and getting ready to leave when Jin walks towards me.

« Are you leaving? »

« Yes, I have to get home and keep working on the campaign.. We have so much to do in such little time. »

« I see. » His energy is completely different. I feel intimated by him right now. He's taller than me and is standing very close to me. I have to look up to see him. « Could I at least offer you a ride home? » He's looking at me with a look that I can't describe. I think I see anticipation, and maybe lust?

I swallow before answering, feeling a tingling in my stomach « Sure, thank you. »

We sit in the car in silence. I don't get why I'm feeling this way. There's a clear tension in the car, and neither of us can figure out how to break it.

We arrive at my place, I thank him again and head up to my apartment.

I start working again and lose track of time. My intercom rings, bringing me back to the real world. I look at the time. Shit 8pm! Where did the day go? I realize I haven't eaten anything while I walk to my door.

« Who is it? » As I say that, the video turns on, and I see Jin.

« Pizza delivery » he answers.

I'm kind of surprised but I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. I let him up anyway.

I open my door as he comes out of the elevator.

« I hope you don't mind, I figured you were very busy and would enjoy some food. I can give it to you and leave if you want. »

I'm touched by the reason he's here.

« Please don't be silly, come on in. » I move to the side to let him in.

I feel very conscious of my home as he walks in. Tae mentioned that he lives in the fancy part of Seoul, and given BTS's success, his home is probably as luxurious as Tae and Yoongi's.

He walks in and looks around him, setting the pizzas down on the kitchen counter. I don't know how to act. He looks so small in here.

I live in a 50 m2 apartment. The kitchen and living room are both in the same room, but unlike at Tae and Yoongi's place, there's no separation between them. The couch is almost in the kitchen, and I most definitely don't have space for a dining table. I still feel very comfortable in this apartment. It's the first one I've owned by myself, and I've made it my own safe space.

"Your home is lovely" Jin says "It ressembles you" He's now looking at me with a smile.

I can't help but look at the ground. I mumble a "Thank you". I feel ashamed in front of this huge megastar. I'm standing in my little home, wearing my pyjamas. I feel like a little girl, not the Director of his next partnership.

He notices my discomfort. "Are you hungry?" He heads to the kitchen as he speaks, and looks for plates. I go to help him, I'm not sure I want him opening every cabinet.

We head to the couch and start eating. We opened a bottle of wine I had stored in the fridge. We're just siting and talking about a lot of things but nothing personal. I think he feels like I don't want to go there.

As I'm laughing at one of his jokes, I feel his glare on me. My giggling stops slowly as I look down to my almost empty glass. He brushes off a loose strand of hair from my face.

"You are beautiful, Gina" I look up at him as he says those words. He has the same look in his eyes as he did today. I sense the lust now, I'm sure of it.

My stomach starts tightening up, while I keep looking him in the eyes. The only thing I notice right now is the way he's looking at me right now, and our knees barely touching.

He breaks the gaze and stutters "Um..I..um" He clears his throat before going on "I'd better get going, you have a long today tomorrow again"

"Uh yeah sure" I'm still shaken about what just happened. "Thank you for the pizza." I start to stand up as I speak

"My pleasure. No, please stay where you are. I'll let myself out" He takes my hand and kisses it goodbye "You have a good night, Gina"

He's gone. I'm left with my thoughts about this evening. I'm not sure if it's the wine or Jin, but I feel very light.

[codenomesailorv]

FANFICTION:

"Harry Potter and the DeadlyHallows - Final Chapter"

◇ (This fanfiction is an alternative version of the last chapter of the book "Deadly Hallows", after the last chapter and before the prologe, and It's whitout relationship with "Cursed Child" or the Harry Potter movies).

● Original History by JK Rowling

● Fanfiction by Anikenkai/A. A Otrop

FINAL CHAPTER

The four paintings at Grimmaud Place

 

 

 The first rays of sunlight passed through the transparent stained-glass windows in the calm morning air, touching Harry's face as the boy shifted on the bed. After a few brief seconds he opened his eyes and felt around on the desk, taking his glasses and putting them weakly on his face, still completely exhausted as if he hadn't slept for a whole month.

He got up slightly from the bed, and still a little dizzy, focused only on a small figure moving around nearby pulling something heavy, shrieking and letting out an exclamation of relief afterwards. Soon, Harry saw who it was.

"What are you doing, Neville?" Harry asked, rising a little further from the bed, watching his friend rummage in his trunk.

"Ah" Neville turned and smiled at him. "Good morning, Harry. Sorry, did I wake you up with the noise? You know my trunk is absurdly heavy, I was barely able to pull him to bed." 

The plump boy with scarred face smiled slightly at Harry, feeling his fingers in the huge suitcase he founded on the bed next to him. 

"It doesn't even seem like I had the strength just a few days ago to face Death Eaters. Compared to my trunk now, they were very light." 

And saying that Neville laughed, and bent down again to open the wooden lid in front of him.

Yes, it was true. For a brief moment, a flash of memories rushed through Harry's mind, recalling everything that had happened in just under two days. The Battle at Hogwarts. The deaths. The meeting with Dumbledore in his head. And Voldemort's defeat at his hands, everything quickly passing by in a glance at his still sleepy eyes. But then he felt suddenly awake, as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold water down his spine, and then his body relaxed.

"You can sleep later today. You will not have an exact time for the Expresso departure. He will pick up the remaining students at different times until after lunch." Neville added, tossing a few pieces of clothing in his trunk.

Harry rolled his eyes, shaking his head and trying to find Ron on the bed next to his, but he didn't find him immediately.

"Ew, Neville... has Ron got up yet?"

"Oh, yes. For the breakfast, I saw him come down the stairs to Hermione when I came up just now. It looks like they were called earlier to speak to McGonagall."

"Right." Harry nodded, trying not to be intrigued by the reason for his friends' haste, and again lay down on the bed, struggling to get the faces out of his head and everything else that had happened so many hours ago.

After several minutes, Neville spoke again.

"Hey, when you get up, could you move the gifts out of the way in the bedroom? You know, I don't know if I'm going to be able to lift my trunk to bed again if I want not to crush one of them, you know."

"Gifts?"

And then Harry stood up again, looking sideways and at the dormitory floor and gaping. Scattered on the floor, and in everything that his field of vision could see next to his bed and beyond Seamus's and Ron's to the walls, boxes and more boxes lay there, some lined up and others in piles, forming piles on one another, with multicolored packages and some with sparkling ribbons, some large and small, huddled up to Harry's knee. The boy got up from the bed, looking around the room, amazement on his face. It was as if he were in the Room of Requirement, among the numerous objects lined up on top of each other.

"They're for you." Neville added, without taking his eyes off what he was doing in his trunk, laughing. "I think the news of what you did with You-Know-Who has already spread everywhere. They brought you these gifts at night. It seems that many people wanted to thank you, you know."

Harry was stunned, looking at each gift spread out in front of him, boxes and more boxes piled up, and finally he stood up, totally amazed. It was as if it were Christmas, but as if all the gifts from each student were crammed there, as if Harry's room and the boys were some kind of storage. He quickly took some packages out of the way and reached for his own trunk, taking his clothes and carefully spreading some on the way to the door so that it would be free.

"Phew, thanks." Neville said getting up and closing his trunk ready. The boy was now wearing his muggle clothes, very dark jeans with a cool multicolored knit shirt and numbers on the back, a sort of Hockey team T-shirt.

Harry turned to the bed and was about to lie down again, when he heard the crash of his friend's trunk again turning to the floor and unable to control the voice that had been stuck in his throat for many days, he turned and said to Neville:

"You deserved those gifts much more than I did, if it weren't for you cutting off that snake's head, I…"

"Harry, stop. I've won too many things from my grandmother and the Gryffindor guys, man. Relax. I don't care about that, and you deserved so much more."

 "Neville listen, I …" Harry started as soon as he sat on the bed, staring at his bare feet but it was the colleague who interrupted him before he could even finish the sentence.

"No, Harry. It's all right. You don't have to say anything."

Neville said in one breath and even though she was loud and clear, she sounded gently in the room. Harry looked up to face his friend and just managed to smirk at him.

"I didn't have the opportunity to thank you and the others. For everything."

 Harry continued, taking hold of everything that had happened in the last days in his memory, remembering what Neville had done at Hogwarts with his friends while he, Ron and Hermione did while traveling across the continent in search of the Horcruxes. The way Neville had led Dumbledore's Army, how he had brought everyone together in the Room of Requirement and fought alongside him. As he did not even hesitate when the Death Eaters marked his skin with scrapes and bruises, as he did in the first bruise, he carried out Harry's request and without blinking, killed Nagini in front of Voldemort himself.

"Don't worry." Neville stepped forward, approaching Harry and patting his friend on the shoulder, as if they were talking about some Quidditch match, as his voice was as calm as any that Harry had heard a long time ago. "It was all thanks to you. I had faith in you. But now we are talking by owls, ok?"

Harry looked up again and saw Neville's plump hand stretched out in front of him, his palm open and inviting.

"I have to leave, my grandmother is waiting in the common room. Let's take the next train and go home."

"Does that mean ..." Harry was momentarily surprised and Neville nodded.

"Yes Yes. We finish the school year. I'm a graduate of Hogwarts."

And he held out his own hand, shaking his friend's. He wanted to get up and hug him, thank him for his courage and not have doubted him, wanted to hug each one, but Harry still didn't have the strength to do either. Instead he smiled and Neville took it out of his hand, raised his wand, and his trunk began to levitate, heading straight for the slowly opening door.

"See you next time, Harry. I'll wait for your owl, huh!"

"Shure!" And Harry smiled more gratefully and waved his hand, watching Neville walk through the portal and disappear into the stairway to the Gryffindor Common Room.

(...)

Harry didn't know how many hours he had been standing there, inert but already fully dressed, staring at the dormitory ceiling without even moving, the only noise he dared to make was his breathing. He was not hungry, although there were still remnants of a deep sleep that was caused by the hours of confinement in bed weighing his eyes, as if he could not get enough sleep, as if the tiredness did not leave his back, but not any real sleep, forcing him to stand there, disabled and thinking about everything that had happened to him until then. He hadn't seen anyone for three days, not even Teacher McGonagall, not Teacher Flitwick, not Luna, Ginny, Mr. and Mr. Weasley, not even George or Percy or any of his friends. 

Harry had locked himself in the dorm hours after he left Headmaster Dumbledore's office, when McGonagall finally released him to rest and heal his wounds, stunned and impressed by everything Harry, Ron and Hermione had told her what they had done, before they returned to Hogwarts. Harry had told her everything, to the teachers and the new Minister of Magic, who met there shortly after Voldemort's inert body had been thrown away from the castle boundaries, when he learned in detail about Dumbledore's plan for the Horcruxes, about the months in the forests, about how he had found Griffindor's sword and how Harry had apparently risen from the dead. The boy told them, but hid about the Deathly Hallows. 

He did not want anyone else, other than friends and those who had already talked about objects, to know about them, their existence and formidable powers, and surprisingly no one asked them about it, they only looked at Harry when at last he finished his account of Snape, and his Patron charm  - hidden over his mother, leading him towards the Ice Water Pit that kept Griffindor's ruby-studded sword.

"But ... but ..." Professor Slugorn stammered when Harry finally finished, almost immediately and in a shaky voice. "We were sure that Snape definitely turned to the Death Eaters. You, yourself told us how he killed Dumbledore in cold blood with an unforgivable curse, and your term as Headmaster proved it, the terror of the students, the way his followers of You-Know-Who acted freely in the school, and... and…"

"I know," Harry began, still as dirty from head to toe as the others present around the director's table, with blood that had been dry for a long time on his forehead, which at that point was starting to bother him a little. "But I saw it all through Snape's last memories when he handed it to me before he died. When I got back to the castle, I just thought of going back here, right here, and dumping the memory in Pensieve."

And then he lifted the tiny shards from the small bottle that Snape had given him, which had broken from his pocket when he received the Avada Kedavra curse on his body and fell to the floor. The teachers stared at the pieces, as if they couldn't believe it.

"Don't trust me, do you? You can use a tracking spell on the flask to discover its previous content, if you want. If that's still possible…" Added Harry, now a little irritated.

"Amazing. Very amazing!" From above, Flineus Fletcher, the former director of Hogwarts and a proud member of Slytherin shouted from his painting, screamed, looking around and trying to share the astonishment in the eyes of the other directors and directors, who were watching everything very quietly.

"There's no need, Potter." Professor McGonagall replied first, raising a hand to Harry, still very stunned. "We have no reason to doubt you and everything you did today. I'm sure everyone here will agree with me."

And almost immediately the teachers nodded, Flitwick, Sprout, Firenze, the centaur and even Hagrid, and the other teachers and present together with the Minister of Magic. Even Sibila Trewloney was there, curled up in a corner, but she nodded firmly. Finally, everyone looked at each other and McGonagall turned to Shacklebolt.

"Well, that's enough for now. Now, we need to discuss what to do about the School, since it was very destroyed. Prepare funerals and alert family members who have not yet been notified, bring them as soon as possible. Potter, you can go wash up and go to the infirmary with the others." And then the teacher turned again and looked kindly at him. "You, most of all, deserve to rest."

Harry didn't agree with that. It was obvious from his countenance that he felt deeply exhausted and hurt, however, he was not in a position to lie down and sleep for a long time, have his wounds taken care of and close his eyes and pretend that nothing had happened, but he just turned around, looking to friends and simply obeyed.

Before they leave, he can see the teacher looking back, her hair loose and streaked, her clothes sooty and dark blood somewhere on her arm with a completely exhausted expression, sitting with some discomfort in the chair that had once belonged Albus Dumbledore, before the three of them crossed the room. Harry, however, went directly to the Fat Lady painting towards the Gryffindor Common Room, still devastated by the battle, where many students crowded dragging suitcases and hugging friends, but did not see them, since Harry, once again, covered up and Ron and Hermione with the Invisibility Cloak, crouched through and stepping on the rocks and dirt on the floor, crossing smashed busts to the railing of the stairs. 

Even with protests from Hermione insisting that Harry go directly to the Infirmary - or even then, the Castle Entrance, where several combatants were still lying on makeshift stretchers and being cared for by healers who had just arrived from St Mungos - Harry ignored her, stating that he didn’t want to be in the middle of everyone and being ovulated or even cursed. She didn't understand his train of thought. In any case, he did not want to receive any kind of treatment different from the others, whether it was pleasant or bad.

"Take the Invisibility Cloak if you want, bring me tomorrow. I will not be leaving the room until everyone, or almost everyone, leaves Hogwarts." Harry had said in a low voice, while Hermione pulled from his beaded purse one of the last healing potion that she still had miraculously, into the boy's hands.

"B-but ... Harry…"

"Leave him, Mione. Harry needs to be alone." Ron said, patting his friend on the shoulder. "See you tomorrow morning."

"Okay." Harry had replied and even though she was upset, Hermione followed Ron back to the Common Room, while the boy locked himself in the dorm.

Harry then suddenly returned to the present.

He blinked his eyes and realized that he had dozed off again, as his belly finally snored, and looking at the golden watch on his wrist that still worked, it indicated that it was just after two in the afternoon. He once again lifted the body from the bed, feeling his sedentary muscles protest with the sudden act, and tried to see with his crooked glasses the empty, dark and silent room, still crammed with innumerable packages and gifts up to the walls. Don't feeling no one was there. On the other side of the window, he heard the sound of almost nothing at all, just a faint patter of drops hitting his pane. The light rain then cooled the room, making Harry decided to get out of bed for good and then leave the dorm for the first time in almost two weeks since the Battle was over.

(...)

He was now on the edges of one of the parapets on one of the upper floors of the castle, along with Ron and Hermione, the three of them with pale faces and bandages spread across their arms and legs, especially Harry, who had a large bandage on his forehead where there was been hit by the stone debris that fell on him the moment Fred was attacked. Now they sat on the parapet, watching the sky painted orange and gray, shortly after the improvised dinner at the Castle, which Harry had obviously avoided as well as the other meetings with the residents of Hogwarts. So Ron snatched a small basket of caramel pies and breads with fried sausages, and inside was a bottle partially filled with pumpkin juice and brought it to his friend when they found them. 

They spent a long time silent, watching the sun go down, while Harry's mind wandered far away, when it was Hermione who finally broke the silence.

"Everyone's been asking about you, you know, Harry. Everyone wants to hug you, thank you, kiss you, shake your hand and everything. They want to talk to you, but as they have avoided leaving the dormitory, I feel an air of disappointment in the air." She said, giving a light chuckle at the end of the sentence. "I don't think they would ever understand, you know."

"Uh, I understand." Ron replied, making a face as he turned to Hermione on Harry's other side. "Like, come on. Even I would like to thank Harry, but the air is very heavy. I hope they all leave soon, then we can also take the train back home in peace."

"So, have all the students left Hogwarts yet?" Harry asked his friend, a little exasperated.

"Almost all." Hermione who answered. "I was still left, Ron, Luna, some students of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and a few wounded from the battle, too hurt to stupor to St Mungos, but I think they all fit in the Hospital Wing and released the Hall. he ordered Goblins and some building wizards to come until the day after tomorrow to begin repairs on the Castle. I think practically, everyone in Gryffindor has already left."

Hermione turned her head to the side and looked at the large missing piece of wall that followed the castle to the towers on the west side, where its parts lay inert, destroyed on the charred grass of the countryside around below, even towards of the lake.

"Looks like they're going to have a long job, poor people." Ron sighed deeply as he poured a glass of pumpkin juice into his mouth next.

"Yeah. I only hope they finish by the beginning of the school year. I don't want to go back with everything still destroyed, you know. It would make me sad just to think."

Harry knew why Hermione talked about returning to the castle, of course. Since the three of them had missed almost the entire school year while looking for the Horcruxes, there was still a year to complete their education at Hogwarts, and of course, if they wanted to continue looking for a job in the wizarding world, they needed to complete the last exams, just like the others. That remained. Harry hadn't thought about going back to school, hadn't even thought about leaving, yet he had a glimpse of a certain plan that would make it now that it was over and Voldemort wouldn't bother him again, now that he was free of his own destiny for the first time. Time since he was born. But for that, of course, they had to finish their studies. They could not go back to attending classes normally, they were too old, so learned that Hermione had asked Professor McGonagall, the next day that Harry had locked himself in the dormitory, to do some supplementary type to make up for the countless missed classes - and that, of course at the teacher's own suggestion, they enrolled to perform. So they would only have to return for a few days, take some tests of school summaries and finally Harry, Ron and Hermione would graduate and leave Hogwarts for good. 

He then found himself thinking about Fred, George and others Ron's brother, and all the Weasleys and especially - as many, many times - about Ginny, and the funeral that followed the day after the Battle, when those left behind prepared the seats ideals and preparations to bury all who had died on the castle grounds. Many had died. Bellatrix Lestrange, the other Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself had been huddled together in a mass grave deep in the Forbidden Forest, burned and then buried, as they deserved to be. 

They should not be buried with honors, or tears or even a tombstone, because not one cried forthey. He remembered Ron knocking frantically on the bedroom door that afternoon, Harry hadn't wanted to get up since breakfast to watch the Heroes' Funeral, and everyone wondered where Harry Potter was. Why was he not there to pay his respects to those who had sacrificed for him? Why didn't you have the courage to look the family in the eye without being able to apologize for taking their lives? Harry's only thought of consolation was that they would have fought anyway, even if he hadn't been the cause, to defend the wizarding world had it been at the hands of the Death Eaters or anyone who hurt more innocents.

Ron was gone from the other side of the door after he shouted his name, and called for many minutes, but Harry remained in bed, silent, on his side and hiding his face from anyone who managed to open the lock and see him there, huddled and weeping for those he loved and had lost. Again he remembered that he was about to leave Hogwarts forever, to leave that place destroyed, but still in his heart, his eternal home. He chased away his thoughts and tried to change the subject.

"I forgot to ask Neville, you know. Before I left this morning." Harry said, watching now the last copper-colored sun rays lying down at the sunset and shy stars shine in the distance of the deep and increasingly dark sky. "Asking how he got the Griphook Griffindor's sword, since he stole it from us while we were at Gringotts.

"Ah," Hermione exclaimed and swung her legs over the balcony railing, still a little distracted by the sight of the wreckage beneath the three. "He told me, you know. When we went to the St Mungus. Neville said he took the sword when it appeared to him, it appears that it disappeared when Griphook was killed. He just didn't want to tell me where and when, he looked mysterious." And then Hermione turned to pour another glass of pumpkin juice and brought it to her lips.

"Well, Harry, you've been thinking about Ted, right? I mean…" And she turned to look Harry in the eye. "You have responsibilities for him, now that Professor Lupine and Tonks... well... you know."

Ron stared at the two of them with a half-rigid face, frightened by Hermione's unexpected change of subject, and turned his eyes to his own drink, muttering something inaudible. The sky was now dyed an indigo blue as it was covered with sparkling dots, and that sight distracted the boy for a millisecond before leaping back to the ground, leaving the parapet and picking up the food basket. Harry hadn't thought about Ted until then. His head was so full of thoughts and obsessions, afraid of what would come next, of what he would become when he graduated, of how he would live, in the guilt of the deaths he could have avoided that he had not even thought of Ted Lupine, son of Nymphadora Tonks and her father's old friend, and former professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Remus Lupin. 

He was now the godfather of the baby they both left to save Harry, and then a new wave of guilt and pain washed over his head, piling up another stone on top of the others he felt carrying heavily on his back.

A horrible thought came to light. Ted had lost his parents to save Harry, leaving him with less than a year to live, just like himself. What if the little boy had to take shelter with distant relatives, with Muggles, who hated and mistreated him as the Dursleys did for so many years? No, he couldn't think of that. Harry shook his head when he stood up and felt that he was tightening the handle on the basket too hard. At least Ted was left with his grandmother, Andromeda - a wizard - who would certainly give all the necessary love and care that Ted deserved. And when, if he wanted to, and so he could, when he reached the age of attending Hogwarts, he would offer him the same house that now belonged to Harry, the same that his own godfather also offered him to live in, the same place that Sirius wished he had gone.

"Of course I will take care of him, I will be close to him. If he wants." Harry replied to his friend, after long seconds that seemed like an eternity of reflection. "I can't take the place of his parents, but... nor Sirius wanted him when mine died, but I can try to be a good godfather. I hope so."

"Brillant." Hermione stepped forward, to the two friends. "I guess I decided what I'm going to do when we officially graduate from Hogwarts. I mean, in future plans, you know."

Ron and Harry looked at her in surprise, as it seemed like centuries that they heard their friend say something like that, in the moments when they asked them what they would do with the notes O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts. At that time, Harry had said that he really wanted to be an Auror, but then at that moment, he wasn't so sure anymore. Harry’s entire focus in recent years was just the Dark Lord and Prophecy, who had barely thought about the possibility of it all ending so soon - and with his whole body to seriously think about what profession he would pursue.

"In what?" Ron's voice echoed to the side, with a somewhat mocking tone and Hermione frowned at him, annoyed. She ran her hands through her thick hair and replied:

"Well, I was thinking... to join the Ministry of Magic for some position, or…"

She paused and took a breath. Again he continued: "Proceed with what Bathilda Bagshot worked on. I mean, continue with the book A History of Magic from the point that it ended. Writing, you know. Write about... about everything that happened to us. About Voldemort. About Harry."

Then there followed a few minimal seconds of silence, and Ron with Harry who had turned to his friend and stared at them completely surprised. That was certainly new, since they had no idea that Hermione might have shown any interest in pursuing a writing career. Harry - more than anyone, even Ron - believed faithfully that the friend with all that intelligence, would try to go as far as possible, as Dumbledore had done as a young, and had already caught himself once or twice imagining Hermione arriving at Minister of Magic a few years later. But, he also knew more than anyone, that all those experiences had abruptly sealed their reality with what they dreamed of being, and that would really hinder how they saw each other when it was over, and everything was fine. But even so, he felt a wave of disappointment and embarrassment go through his body to the back of his neck. She didn't understand how her friend had arrived at that decision.

"Don't look at me like that."  She said, looking at the two a little angry, as she clearly expected another reaction from both. "I believe I'm doing it right thing. I believe that people should know the truth, know what happened. Knowing what has been done so that Evil doesn't affect the wizarding world again than pretending that nothing has happened, and helping who knows in the near future, some Hogwarts students to defend themselves better, knowing the story, don't you agree?"

"Bloody Hell, Mione." Ron snorted, rolling his eyes up. "It sounds like Rita Skeeter talking, huh? After all that she did with Harry and Professor Dumbledore's phony biography, and even more what she did to you, I thought you were the last person to want to pursue a career in something like that."

Ron had said the wrong thing, it was evident from the scary face that Hermione threw at her friend, as if she was going to stun him right there on the parapet, without any pity. Harry exclaimed but she was quicker to respond.

"That's not it." Hermione hissed at Ron. "I don't want to do anything, absolutely nothing, like that little Skeeter bug. Do not."

"Then…?"

"Something totally different from her, Ron!" Hermione roared. "Rita Skeeter is a troll on a woman's body, she wanted to gossip, spread lies, everything to sell and guarantee more galleons. Of course, as much as it pains me to say, she got some points in her research right, but the way she did it is purely disgusting to me. Not! Me," And then he pointed at himself, with an air of satisfaction in his voice now. "I want to correct the lies that that toad made. I want to write about the history of the wizarding world since the beginning of the 20th century, how Hogwarts grew up, how Voldemo…"

Ron cringed when she spoke the name of the Dark Lord. 

"Oh, no Ron! He's gone, you don't have to be afraid of his name anymore. How Tom Riddle's Voldemort achieved so many atrocities, how Dumbledore formed the Order of the Phoenix, and how Harry and we found the Deathly Hallows and the Horcruxes. You know, I really think that everyone needs to know, keep all this and keep it from happening a second time."

"What? Second time? Write about the Death Hollows and the Horcruxes? You are crazy!? This is quite the opposite of what we want. I mean, if people know about them… bloody hell, we work so hard to avoid talking about it with the teachers as Dumbledore ordered, and you want…"

"No, Ron. I don't want to teach you how to make Horcruxes or where the Death Hallows were, don't you both understand?" Hermione waved her hand, somewhat patiently. "I don't want to explain how to get them, but how and for what they existed. I think that all students should have the right to remedy their curiosity about what we did during the months of escape, how Harry managed to come back to life, like... well, you know."

And then she looked over his shoulder and saw Harry standing there looking at her still. 

"Of course, I'm just telling you a plan. I won't do anything if you don't agree, of course. I haven't even started anything."

Harry knew what she meant when she said that wish. He knew that Tom Riddle had used extraordinary and cruel methods due to the lack of descriptions of the Horcruxes and had just been defeated for not knowing all the Death Hallows, which would benefit them in a point of view if someone al intentionally tried to follow the same paths as Voldemort in the future, the lack of responsible books on how to overcome the limits of Death. But he understood what Hermione meant. 

In a few years, everyone could forget what they had actually done, the hardships and trials they had spent in the forests camping, looking for and looking for invisible information for the next step in a larger plan, but without success. She remembered the frustrations she had with her friend, the fights with Ron, all because she didn't know where to go, how to do, what to do, while friends suffered. Not to mention that, he was already very famous and now after that battle, he could put more eyes on his scar and he would return to being a point of rumors and other lying things when curiosity for the lack of information started. Hermione didn't want to reveal Dumbledore's secrets, but to tell how they got there. As everything had actually walked, and reaching that conclusion, he put the basket on the floor and put a hand on Hermione's back, who was surprised by Harry's sudden unexpected hug from behind, and released her quickly.

"Well, I think the idea is good. But I don't know if the Ministry of Magic would like us to make our point of view so accessible as well. Isn't it, Ron?"

Ron just snorted again and put his chin in his hands, staring at the sky as if nothing else was interesting. And after a few moments, he asked:

"So, do you have a plan of what you're going to do when you leave Hogwarts, man?"

He asked now, and Hermione still sitting on the parapet but facing Harry, both expressions of curiosity. Harry hadn't even talked to his friends much about what he was going to do next, about his ultimate goal, about what Harry Potter intended to do now that he finally and definitely defeated Lord Voldermort. And, catching himself rambling with those very words that came from himself, Harry smiled and looked at his friends. 

He wanted to have that image engraved in his memory, the three of them there in a corner of the castle, away from everyone, making small talk and eating treats, barely knowing that all that precious and carefree moment would be over soon.

(...)

Harry, Ron and Hermione and Luna were accommodated on the train back to Hogsmeade station, the Hogwarts Express had left a few hours ago. The boys were housed in the usual cabin at the end of the train, which was actually practically empty, taking them and just a few other students who were still unable to apparate, injured, and had not yet returned, plus some representatives of the Ministry of Magic who for some reason, they were also there. 

Harry thought they were on the train to watch him, and drawing that conclusion, he spent the journey watching the landscape of trees penetrating, blurring at high speed through the window. Hermione was reading one of the newspapers, editions of the Daily Prophet that were huddled together and tied in a single string on her lap. Ron now nibbled a carefree chocolate frog, and Luna was staring at the window with Harry. 

They stayed that way since they went up in a long silence, after all it was the first and one of the last two times that they would leave school, and it was only a fact that the four - since Luna had been kidnapped to the Malfoys' house - should return to provide the services. supplementary courses, and definitely graduate in a few months. Harry thought again about the Weasley family, and if somehow if George and Ginny would be angry with him for missing Fred's funeral, if they felt his weakness for the next few days - not that Ron had shown it or quoted those brothers' feelings, but the stones of the subconscious weight of guilt weighed him down as much as before they came back and faced Voldemort. What should have relieved him, now weighed him down even more in his heart.

Almost suddenly, he saw the smudges pass by the window and remembered what Dumbledore had said to him in the vision of after he died, talked to him in that form at Kingscross Station: "Don't pity the dead, Harry, have pity for the living, and above all those who live without love ”. It was clear that those who had died died with love, fighting for love, for what they believed, and, holding on to it, Harry let out a heavy sigh that the whole cabin heard.

"What did McGonagall want to talk to you about when we got back to the Common Room, Harry?" Hermione's voice called out to him, and Harry had been pulled from his brief detours into reality.

"Heh? Oh. She wanted to ask me a few more questions and handed me a letter, and went back to the principal's office. Only that." And he pulled from one of the sleeves of his indigo wool coat and showed a small brown envelope with the typical red wax seal with the Hogwarts symbol on his tongue. "This one here."

"Gee, haven't you opened it yet?" Ron asked now, looking at the letter. "And if it was an important thing who needed to answer soon?"

"Ah, don't be so silly." Harry smiled, analyzing the letter for a few more seconds and putting it away again, turning back to the window. "Professor McGonagall told me to open it when I got home and reflect on the content and that I could answer it later, don't you remember what I said?"

"No. I was too worried about the train leaving and packing my trunk than knowing every detail." Ron snorted and Hermione shot him an ugly look. "She's been staying in Dumbledore's office a lot since the Battle, isn't she? When did we see it right since everything happened?"

"Principal, Ron." Hermione said. "It's Principal McGonagall, now. She was Deputy Headmaster at Hogwarts, they forgot. It is obvious that she was elected the new Director of Hogwart."

And then she folded a piece of the thick volume from the previous week of the Daily Prophet in her lap, showing the moving photograph of the newest nominated Headmistress.

"If I were you, Harry." Hermione added. "I would read the letter as soon as possible, see?"

"Right." He replied the friend, now with a certain involuntary coldness in his voice, as he had no desire to discuss anything at that moment, not even by a simple letter.

"I thought the Ministry of Magic would try to put someone in their position after Snape... well, you know... "And Ron glanced at Harry and went back to Hermione and Luna. "I mean ... I'm glad the Ministry made a deal, right. For once."

"Yeah." Hermione agreed, folding the newspaper and lifting the batteries and laying them on the floor, yawning. "I want to go back soon, I have to say hello to everyone and Apparate to Australia. Review my parents, explain what happened. You know."

(To be continue next Post...)

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

Bea: *Bea felt sick. She'd felt sick the whole day, not able to focus on any task, told off for daydreaming (as if), waiting for this moment to come, thinking SO hard for a way out of it but still not having a solid one by the time the bell for lunch rang and Miss was calling out their names. Crosslegged on the carpet, being 'Agosti' gave her no extra time to prepare either. There was only Josh Abbott and Amaya Adams before her on the register. She was a School dinner kid, that meant getting in line to be led to the dining room to get your tray of whatever shit they were serving today. The packed-lunch early years' kids stayed in the classroom, having their sandwiches and crisps and whatever else where they'd been doing their colouring and ABCs earlier. Trying to swallow the lump in her throat as she cleared it, and then trying to look the way the movie stars looked when you were annoying them, narrowing your eyes, raising a brow like you were so stupid, instead of shamefaced embarrassed, when Miss faltered at her interruption and the class tittered, expectant. 'Yes, Katie, what is it?' 'I've not got my lunch money, Miss.' Of course, it had to be drama, huffing and puffing with the classroom helpers who shook their heads, some with equal annoyance, some with pity, Miss making a big scene of 'Why not?' and then 'Well HOW did you forget?'; pondering out loud if she could be trusted to bring money in tomorrow, if that would be allowed and on and on it went, the kids getting rowdier again, laughing and sneering, all that bullshit washed over her anyway, she didn't care about them. Just standing there, still and expressionless, wishing they'd hurry up and make a bloody decision. Protests, pointing out 'I'm not even hungry anyway' batted away with annoyance 'You HAVE to eat lunch, Katie, don't be ridiculous!' Everyone loving how in trouble she was. This was all his fault. She hated him so much. Trying not to care, because that was the punishment, and if she wasn't embarrassed then he hadn't won, hadn't got what he wanted out of it, had he? She stood there, jogging her right leg up and down, the 'I'm bored of this now so you all should be too' look plastered on her face, fixed so tight it ached to maintain it on days like this. She caught eyes with that freckly boy, who hadn't joined in with the laughing yet, and wasn't looking at her just to see how much trouble she'd be in. She didn't know how she could tell, but she just could, she narrowed her eyes at him, furrowing her brows, as if to say 'What do you want?'* Fraze: *Lunch was proper class, not the cheese sarnies and deffo not the bruised fruit that his ma kept putting back into his bag day on day like enough threats and hard looks would make him eat it on one of 'em. Nah tah. Apples or oranges he could kick or lob decent but bananas were fucking scratty shit. It'd been a laugh when Joe showed him how to shove one up a car exhaust, yeah, but he couldn't reckon on one of the lads keeping watch every time. They were too soft, like. And he could hear his ma now if he got caught, feel how far he'd have to duck out of her way if the news caught her when she was home. Forget her having his knackers in a vice like she did his da, he wanted to be let out for footie, free to smash any other scally at the beautiful game whenever he fancied. That was what he was thinking about 'til it got gegged by the bullshit around him kicking up a notch. Alright. Fuck's sake. It was all going off from what he could tell 'cause that girl who was always on her tod hadn't got her spends, which shouldn't be nothing 'cept the teachers were being well cackhanded as per and keeping her pure embarrassed. Or so he'd have reckoned if he hadn't kept glancing, like. With one more he recognised how fuming she was. It was just the same as how he got, but she weren't handling it in any of the ways he did. Or didn't. Depending who you asked. He kept waiting for her to shout or swear or throw the tray and leg it, but there was none of that. Alright then. She had his full attention with the rest. 'Course that made him feel bad 'cause he wasn't stupid, he knew she didn't want any of 'em staring, but for every knobhead that he elbowed or glared at to shut up, more joined in laughing or pissing about that he'd have to make himself noticed too to deal with. That would be stupid. What then? It felt like ages before he worked out that he was gonna give her the fruit and half of whatever else Joe had thrown into his lunchbox this morning. Longer before he stood to do it, meeting the girl's eye for the first time. He made his voice loud.* Miss, she can share with me, I've got loads. Bea: *She didn't have to wait long for an answer, not that it was an answer that satisfied her, AT ALL; fucking hell. She shook her head, trying to protest but it was lost under how much Miss was wetting herself in excitement, literally clapping her hands together, making more of a show of how considerate and kind he was being, and how they should all make more effort to be like that to each other. Like, yeah, this boy was usually one for acting up, making her job harder than she liked, but no need to go overboard. Apparently so, though, at least Bea weren't the only one in this silly pantomime now, that gave her some solace and pride back. Not that it was hers to keep, a 'Thank you, Frazier' forced from her by their stupid teacher. As if that weren't bad enough, she was then plonked down next to him on his lunch table, as if he'd agreed to be her 'bezzie mate', as they'd probably put it. She scowled down at her shoes, kicking the table leg in frustration. This was so shit. She jutted her chin out, looking up at the blonde kid with defiance, and a shrug.* Thanks but keep it, I don't need anything. Fraze: *His eyes would've rolled back into his head at miss' bullshit if he'd let 'em, but right now, he only had eyes for who he'd lumbered himself with this break without knowing why he'd bothered. She wasn't, this girl whose voice didn't match his (too posh for 'round here), or really sound like it should come out of her either (too quiet for the anger he saw was there, barely hiding). She talked like someone off the telly but she kicked out at the table like she belonged at his, squeezed between his ma and da too, like. Same temper. Call this the mad kid table, yeah? Katie sat down and everyone stopped craning their necks and finally put some food in their gobs. Good. Still, his nose scrunched itself up at the teacher's continued fannying about, fuck the pat on the head. He didn't do it for that, he weren't no goodie two shoes and nobody called him Frazier, not even his ma when she was on one. He'd just wanted everyone to shut up and they had now. So whatever. Job done, yeah? Go away, miss. When it was only them two he emptied his bag out onto the table, and giving the lunchbox a hard shove towards her as she tried to refuse, in a way that matched her attitude and unmistakably said, 'yeah, you do.' Or, 'it's lunchtime, what else are you gonna do, watch me eat?' * Bea: *Bea scowled at him, taking a little less than half, what she knew she was meant to, including the battered banana that was starting to smell like what she knew as booze from all the people's breath she'd smelt in on. Gross. She was resolute on not eating any of it anyway, even if her stomach was growling, feral with the hunger, making her mood worse, it was always worse when she was hungry, all of it. She remembered Sunday mornings with her Dad, crispy bacon on fluffy white rolls, yellow pools of butter. Vague remembrances of him telling her not to tell her Mum soured by all the things she wasn't allowed to tell now. Not hungry anyway. Yeah, right. All they'd had in this morning was those rusk things Luce liked so much and it didn't feel right taking anything from her, even when she felt so empty she might fall in on herself. Candy from a baby, yeah? Didn't take a genius to know that made you the bad guy. And there wasn't room for three of 'em in one house, was there. There was only one baddie in the films, maybe a gang but they only counted as one 'cos they was bad in the same ways. She weren't nothing like him or her, nah, fuck that forever. No one was gonna be bad like they were to her, to Luce, never. She shook her head, not wanting to be here, in these thoughts, in her head, again. He had a point on that, even if he was annoying with it; What else was she gonna do? She tore her half of the sandwich up, playing with it, acting like she was always just about to put it in her mouth but always got distracted before she could.* I owe you then. Fraze: *He'd fucked up, she was telling him that every way but saying it out loud so it didn't matter how, why or because. His ma would say 'are-eh' all sarky if she were here, he reckoned and that jogged him on to get over it. Stop being soft. Sulking, like. If you don't like it, do something that voice inside told him. His da would. Joe would. Even little Tommo would have a go, if only by throwing a wobbler loud as a baby brat could. Fine then. Fraze turned to her with a shrug, shaking his head that nah, she didn't owe him fuck all. Meaning it. Well, it went boss, 'course it did. No effect. She was just still pissing about like she'd never seen a sarnie with the crusts cut off before. Maybe she was up herself like some of the other's said, too good to eat with him or any food made for him, like. That'd be right, after he'd put himself out. He kicked out at the table leg himself to settle his stomach back, using more force that she had, before bothering to try to fill it and replace the frustration with fullness. 'Cause that made you happy, yeah?* It's just cheese. *He stuffed the whole of his share of sandwich into his mouth as if to prove it weren't that bad, chewing with the same fierceness. Blue eyes burned into green unflinchingly as if forcing her to watch him would also make her copy the actions and eat. Like she was Tommo's age and it was that simple.* Bea: *She looks down at the table leg pointedly, raising a brow, 'What'd it ever do to you, like?' also throwing a cursory glance the adult's way, yeah, they were getting noticed.* Thanks a bunch. *She smiled sweetly, as if it were a genuine thanks, shoving a bit of the sandwich in her mouth sharpish, they'd be over like a flash to make her otherwise, least this display had 'em focusing on the kid choking on their crisps again, 'stead of them.* Well, I do. So think what you want fast or I'll decide for you. *She said, matter-of-fact. Savouring the first bite of food she'd had since...3 o'clock, yesterday? And that was only the sweets she'd settled on from Al's, should've gone for something more filling... She frowned.* And I know what cheese is, by the way. *Obviously, the boy was regretting being 'nice' to her now. Standard. Not like anyone else bothered. Oh well. She turned her body to face away from him, arms folded in her lap, body language closed. Cheeks pinkening at the idea he thought she was trying to be his friend, and not only that, but he was going to be like all the rest and be so openly against the idea. Well, think again.* I'll stop talking to you, how's that for a favour? Fraze: *He followed her gaze to where it went when it broke off from his and saw that he'd probably be in trouble if he didn't stop. At the very least one of the teachers would try and make him do that counting to calm down thing which never fucking worked and made him feel like such a twat. He sighed, exactly how he so often heard one of his parents do, without knowing he'd made a sound never mind done his own copying. There wasn't any consideration in his next action either, Fraze just did it. Broke the chocolate bar down the middle and assigned her the bigger piece. Like she was him and he was Joe. He handed her share to her, wordlessly, not taking no for an answer, like. Not waiting for one. No fucking way was he gonna let her decide anything for him. So yeah, he was thinking on his feet. And gonna make a quality choice, obviously.* Go'ed giz us some sweets then if you're gonna cry 'bout it, like. *He shrugged again, giving pretending that the idea of getting anything decent from her (just 'cause he gave her half a manky sarnie, handful of crisps and a banana) wouldn't make his day. A grin escaped anyway. He couldn't help it, how she talked made him want to. It was dead funny.* Yeah? *He raised his eyebrows as if he was pure shocked by the idea of someone knowing what cheese was. *Well, no take backs, you said I can have whatever I want, shit sarnie or nah. * He nudged her, playfully, grinning. *Okay, but what if what I want is for you to chat to me, what you gonna do then? Fucked it for yourself, haven't you? You've gotta set boundaries for me, see, or I want it all. Bea: *She tried to not look at the chocolate as if she'd never seen any before, save him taking the piss again. Also save melting it in her palms, waste; she was about to take a bite, 'cos they were eating lunch now and it was pointless trying to fight that, especially as hunger always got worse if you had SOME food. It was like teasing yourself, poking the bear or whatever it was that adults said. Once you had a little, you NEEDED more. But fat chance she was letting that comment go unanswered, dickhead! She kicked his foot closest to her, not hard nor nothing, didn't need the teachers back 'on 'em and didn't need to make HIM cry, like.* I.don't.cry. Get that straight. *Bea took a bite now, for emphasis.* Right then, easy. Come with me after School, get it sorted. *She nodded, happy to have it sorted by time the day was out, and happy he'd picked something she could give or she would've had to get creative. Blinking at him, at what felt like a sudden change of heart from the boy, and concealing the grin that tries to form in return of his, she shakes her head.* Nah, it's one for one, you don't get unlimited favours, idiot. And you'd rather have sweets, wouldn't you? *Bea shrugs, finishing the chocolate, licking her lips clean.* Fraze: *He laughed, no shame at it now that she was finally reacting in a way he was used to, shaking his head again, harder this time.* All girls cry. End of. *Ma's didn't count, like, and she didn't know his, so whatever. That could be the story and he was sticking to it. She had hers and the way she was telling it meant he'd get sweets. If she wasn't full of it, Joe would lose his mind. They all would. Ali would definitely cry and she wasn't allowed chocolate or sweets yet to know how good they were. His grin widened at the idea of having something none of them did, for once. But the voice was back as soon as he had that thought, turning it into more of a frown, telling him that if he showed the rest of them what he had, he'd have to fight to keep every sweet and losing wasn't just about sharing, it was shaming. Fuck. He'd have to eat 'em all before he got home. There weren't decent enough hiding places in the flat to risk anything else. The fucking dog would sniff 'em out and he'd be in the shit like he was at Easter. Fraze clicked his lunchbox shut, why the hell was he thinking about that? Stop being a div. She'd gonna think you are, and worse.* Alright. I'll ask. *Easy said, 'cause like he'd already, to himself, she didn't know his ma. Or that there was no chance she'd let him go down the shops with the new girl at school 'cause he asked nice. Still, he nodded himself to convince her (at least) that it was happening. Fuck knows what Katie would be like if she reckoned she still owed him. Nah tah, to that. But wait a sec, he might not have to be the loser mama's boy in her eyes though if this after school plan went tits up. She was right, 'course he wanted sweets, but he still knew better than not to take advantage of the possibility that he didn't, just in case. He was a McKenna for fuck's sake.* Who says? Bea: Well you must only know really pathetic girls then because I never cry so you're wrong. *She stuck her tongue out at him, not even checking if any adult was looking now. She believed it, though; Loads of the kids in their class, girls AND boys, still cried every morning when their Mums left, clinging to their legs, begging 'em not to leave... And barely anyone took the piss out of them, much. It pissed Bea off. She could handle the ones who just wouldn't have nothing to do with her, suited her fine anyway, but the ones who thought they were funny or hard or whatever were the worst. Didn't have time or energy for it, didn't they get it? She shook her head. Still, this one, Fraze, they ACTUALLY called him, not Frazier, wasn't being like that right now; So for this lunch break, (JUST this one, like), she'd 'play nice' as Miss always told her to.* If you can't come tell me what's your favourite and I'll still give it you tomorrow morning, swear. *She held out her pinky to him.* I say. What, you wanting something for every single bit of your lunch or something? That's a bloddy cheek, init? *She smiled, to show she was joking.* Fraze: *His eyebrows rose in proper surprise for the first time since they'd sat down together. She weren't backing down, maybe she was right that she weren't like other girls in their class? She already hadn't pitched a fit when he swore or run off to tell on him like others did when he did in front of them. But he couldn't let her know that, could he? Still a McKenna, like. If she earned it, he might give her a clue. Maybe. For now, he just had to fight back. With a laugh he balled up the empty crisp bag and threw it at her, not hard, but aiming for her head. 'Course it was a direct hit. A teacher moved towards the table at speed, but he reckoned it was worth it anyway. She'd be well impressed, how could she not be? Before the telling off could come and stop him, Fraze continued to grin proudly as he linked his finger with hers, making sure she did promise even if she was mad at him now. And he nodded too.* Well, I like Sherbet Lemons best, remember that, yeah? In case and just 'cause.* He grinned back, trying not to show how happy it'd make him if they could go to the shops sometime. He didn't like girls, but if she weren't, basically (and they both agreed, or as good as, that she weren't a standard one, at least) then it was alright. Fuck it. He laughed that off with what else she said.* Nah, not for this shit show, but next time I save you, for sure. I'll step my game up. Then you'll owe me big and won't wanna refuse. Bea: *She saw the hit for what it was, a challenge. She wasn't, however, as fully certain on what the response he was after was, especially when the big grin came. If he wanted her to cry, good fucking luck, boy. The teacher who marched over and made Fraze not only apologize to her but get up and put his crisp packet in the bin, helped her work it out, giving her no time or chance to respond with violence, like. Instead, she made funny faces behind the woman's back at him whilst he was at the bin, sticking up her middle fingers (being careful that only he saw because SO many of the girls would love a chance to dob her in for anything). As he sat back down she smacked him upside the head, shaking her own, bemused but not necessarily mad.* NEXT time? What makes you think I'll need you EVER again? And what's bigger than sherbert lemons? *Her eyebrows rose questioningly with her grin, to show she expected an answer* Fraze: *His apology was about as sincere as her thank you earlier, like, 'cause he knew she weren't mad at him. If he was sorry for anything it'd be the lunch bell going. This was a proper laugh and girl or not, Katie was sound. He didn't even get mad himself when he had to get up and clean up 'cause she made sure. No promise needed. It should've wrecked his head that this posh girl with no mates he hadn't spoke to before today was pulling the same tricks on him right now that he did to keep the lads thinking he was boss but he didn't. Maybe it was just that he'd already worked out they were the same and she belonged with him on the angry kid table or he could've been having too much fun watching her to care. Either way, like his ma and da always said, he'd take what he could get. Keep on loving it, yeah? It helped that she could hit an' all, better than most of the other boys on his street. Fraze was so impressed that he wanted to blurt that news out to her there and then, but he didn't. Couldn't 'cause that'd only show that she didn't need him, any time, probably, and she'd win. He wanted that way less than Sherbet Lemons, if he admitted it out loud or not.* What makes you think you won't? You got form now, ain't yous? *He shrugged, stomach twisting, though he didn't know why any possible answer she could give in reply would do that. So what if she never wanted to see him again? Give a fuck, yeah? He was popular, he didn't need her as a mate. She needed him to be hers, if anything. Remember.* Plenty of shit is, I can fit loads of 'em in my mouth if I want. I'll show you later on if you don't reckon so. Bea: *Back to scowling, getting up from her seat, metal chair legs scraping on the vinyl floor as she pushed away from the table and away from him, slamming her chair under the desk with more force than necessary. Why'd he have to say that, like that? Oh well. It was only a lunch time, like she'd said. And the bell was due to go in five, according to Miss' loud voice ringing too close in her ear.* Oh, piss off, Frazier. See you later.*She tutted turning away from him sharply. Bea busied herself with helping clean up, a task she usually left to the rest of her class, only pretending to help, like. She kept catching his eye from across the classroom, unable to stop herself for some stupid bloody reason. She made mental note to sit as far away as possible from him when it was carpet time next.* Fraze: *He didn't know what he'd said or done but he knew what he couldn't and wouldn't. He wasn't sorry. Not for anything. Not ever. He weren't no pussy, like. And he deffo weren't the kind of soft lad that trailed along after a stupid girl. Older lads took the piss out of any that behaved like that, he'd heard 'em, under the slide at the park, bevvied voices carrying, loud and proud. The old pissheads that stumbled out of the ale 'ouse in the afternoon were the same but only in volume. He was meant to keep away from them, his ma and da made him swear. Not these lads though, they were cool. Decent. Fraze puffed his chest how he'd seen these teens do and turned away. Another job done. 'Cept his back wouldn't stay to her, wanting to be aware of what she was doing and if she cared what he was. Or not. Jesus Christ. Why and what the fuck? Alright she was funny, but not enough of a laugh to be a proper bitch. Fuck it, if he found out what he'd done wrong it'd stop winding him up, yeah? He'd ask her next chance he got and that'd be that. End of. He just didn't like not having the answer. He'd get that and get over it. Easy. Then he'd get his sweets and go home. Like she said, nothing beat his faves anyhow so whatever.* Bea: [Home Time] Bea: *It had been dead hard avoiding the freckly kid all afternoon. Harder than it should be. He was no more on her radar than the rest before this, like, but now it seemed everywhere she turned, he was there, being all loud and...well, loud, really. It didn't help when they were sat on the same table to do puzzles, snatching pieces from the other before they got place it becoming a game that almost got her to grin when she remembered what he said and she had to remember to scowl at him again. Idiot. Form? What did that even mean? And he could fucking talk. His Mum always picked him up, and he had a Dad too, he'd picked him and his Brother up too sometimes, with the little boy and girl which must be more family. What did he know about anything, like. Absolutely nothing. Baby. Home time was easily her least favourite bit of the day. All the Mums and Dads and Nans and older Sisters and Brothers waiting in the playground, the way all the other kids ran to the window, all excited to see who was there for them, waving until they'd be allowed out to jump into their arms, tell them all about their day as they walked hand in hand to their lovely Home where they'd have fish fingers and beans for dinner in front of kids' TV before bath time and being tucked up in a cosy bed and read a story 'til they fell asleep and got to do it all again tomorrow. She hated them all. But she had to stick close. She weren't no idiot. She knew how dead easy she could get snatched by some wrong'un. So she changed the way she went home, switching it up every day. Following a different family every time, so they didn't get suspect and ask her where her 'Mam' was, all concerned. Safety in being confused as one of theirs, with an adult to protect her. She'd never followed freckled boy, he didn't live the same way she did. Anyway, his Mum stared too hard and Bea didn't like it at all. Miss tried (and failed) to get everyone to calm, back crosslegged on the carpet as she did the last register to make sure everyone was accounted for and sent to the right family and home. Bea reckoned they spent half their day saying 'Here', as if it was possible to get out. She'd tried, plenty of times. It would be easier when they were in proper classrooms like the bigger kids but they were still treated like such little babies. Fraze was sat about three kids away, so she leaned behind, tapping him on the shoulder, giving him a silent thumbs up and then a thumbs down, to gauge if he remembered. He had. So when her name was called, number three, she spoke loud and clear over the overly-excited chittering of everyone else.* Miss, I'm going back with Frazier and his Mum today. *When Miss nodded, how little she cared clear, Bea went to gather her bag from the cloakroom, hanging about there 'til they got to the Ms on the register; That's where he was, right?* Fraze: *It was piss easy ignoring that girl for the rest of the afternoon, like. He had loads of mates, more than anyone else in the class had 'cause who didn't like him, 'cept her now. But he weren't thinking 'bout that, was he? If he thought he was properly gonna, it was all grins and chatter and laughter. Being louder than all them other sounds going on in his head, learning it off Joe, everything what not too do 'cause his brother could be well quiet and frowny and he didn't like that. Fuck no. Besides, his ma and da were loud all the time, even sleeping they snored and snored. Jesus, his ma could say more with one of her looks than miss said all day, and everyone on their street knew it. Like everyone in this class knew he was the funniest, best at footie and fighting by miles. So there. Katie could reckon whatever else she wanted. What did he care? He was Fraze McKenna. End of. Still, he couldn't help trying to get the girl to grin again, wanting to see it same as before, share jokes that half the rest of 'em never got. Fuck knows why. Maybe she was right, and he was different too, not just better. And they were both more like the older lads under the slide than the babyish girls who hid under their tables playing pretend. He'd been weighing that idea up for a bit himself anyway. He could hurt his big brother if he wanted, and sometimes he did want to. Katie could hurt anyone here if she felt like it ('cept him, 'course) and he reckoned she did, maybe more than sometimes. That went round and round his head 'til the bell rang and he had something else to think on. Home time. Time to worry 'bout other shit. At least today if was only if his ma would let him go to down the shops or nah, Joe would say it could be worse and he weren't wrong 'bout none of that stuff ever. His brother could be trusted to be right when Fraze weren't sure if he'd dreamed things or muddled them up. Joe knew what was real and what weren't no matter what. Alright then. Fine. He'd just get permission to go. No need to fucking cry 'bout it, only man up, she said she'd bring the sweets tomorrow if his ma said no, swore as well. He couldn't lose. Fuck it. Fraze charged out to do exactly that as soon as he could, without looking back to check if the new girl was keeping up with how fast he could run. Unlikely. He was proper fast. He nearly smacked into his ma with the force of it, like, but she just laughed. Ruffled his hair, glaring back at him when he tried to do one to make her stop, before cracking up again. Fucking hell. Pure embarrassing. He tried not to go red and get his words out. If he made this quick she couldn't do anything else to make him look stupid, yeah? Besides ask loads and loads of questions about where he was going, who else was, and what Katie's mum reckoned about it. Fraze stamped his foot impatiently through each one, earning a less jokey look of warning. Oh come on! He answered every one, he weren't gonna do it smiling while she made him look like a twat, was he?* Bea: *Bea rolled her eyes, as he ran out, surprised he didn't fall and scrape his knees on the tarmac the way he kept looking back at her. She couldn't help but smile smugly to herself, making sure to take her time just as smugly, swinging her bag at her side as if she was in no rush. 'Cos she weren't in no rush to chat to his Mum, no thanks. He could bloody sort that, she'd be doing the rest; favours didn't extend that far no matter how much of a hero he chatted he was. She hung back, bored, as she did the usual Mum thing and he went all pink. Bea looked the lady up and down, studying. Fraze didn't look loads like his Mum. They were both blonde but she was more pale, and her eyes were really big and it was creepy, she decided there and then. She was young, younger than the Mums that all stuck together looking everyone else up and down, but not the youngest by any stretch, the Mums who looked like they should still be at big School, like. Probably about as young as her Mum and Dad had been...That made her dislike her more. Bea did her best to stay out of it, even though he was being such a boy and making a right mess out of it but she instinctively chimed in when she asked what her Mum reckoned.* My Mum don't reckon anything, she's dead. *You find out quick it's a decent way to shut people up, or make 'em feel sorry for you and give you what you're after, simple as. Fuck, even Nan could be tapped for stuff when she was having one of her days where she wanted to go on and on about how much she loved and missed her 'little girl' wailing and sobbing so dramatically like she was trying to get an Oscar. Of course, ran the risk of her calling her 'Kathryn' (even though that weren't even her full name or nothing) and saying she wished she was the one that died instead but, who cared? Not like she didn't wish her Nan was dead too so it was fair. She copied Fraze, stamping her feet too, making eye contact with his Mum as she grinned, willing her to relent.* Fraze: *Fraze blinked when Katie told 'em about her ma ('cause he didn't know that or anyone else who had a dead ma, only some lads without das, dead or taken off by the bizzies for a stretch) but his own didn't flinch, she just asked instead what 'whoever was looking after her' reckoned then, not missing a beat, and calling her 'kid' which made him go even redder, like, his own eyes basically begging her to shut up, but his ma weren't paying no attention to him, only the girl next to him. It wasn't a look he'd had aimed at him before so he didn't have a clue what it meant, good or bad. Either way, he reckoned it was best to try and hurry this shit along. Not that his ma was having any of this. 'Course she wouldn't. He weren't born yesterday even if she was treating him like he was in front of this girl. He tried saying 'please' and everything, only screwing his face up a bit around the word, 'cause a whole bag full of sweets wouldn't disguise the taste of having to. If she was proud of him, she never said though, insisting that yeah, they could go to the shops if she went with them. FUCK! Arlarse weren't the word. Right, this weren't happening. No way was he going with his ma along to hold his hand like some baby. He'd rather starve. Or never speak to Katie again, ever, than have her think that's the kind of lad he was. Tah, ma. Honestly. Cheers so much. His face was burning up to his ears, it was shit enough she'd see that, they both would. Fraze scowled, shaking his head, fiercely.* Nah. Forget it. Bea: *Bea raised a brow, disbelieving. Was this lady actually daft? She gestured around her with an encompassing shrug of her shoulders.* You see 'em here? They reckon it's fine, adult. *Putting thick disdain on the 'adult' because the 'kid' had rubbed her up the wrong way so sod you, whoever's Mum you are, give a fuck. She let's it sit for as long as she can but sighs, inevitably relenting when she won't and he's about to blow his top with it. Poor boy. More hassle than they were worth, parents. Glad she didn't have any, like. Sure. Bea was sure she didn't want/couldn't have her coming if she were gonna stick to her promise, and she always did so. She'd try once more to get Fraze to come with, thinking it'd be good to impress him with all the sweets she could get, for free; but if his old lady was gonna be a pain in her arse she'd have to settle for just getting him his share tomorrow morning. No fun in it but at least she wouldn't owe him no more.* Look, my Nan's husband- *She had to call him Grandpa when he was here, to show how close they were to people and what a great man he was to raise the orphan girls, but he weren't here and she took the small amount of satisfaction it gave her to disobey him here and now-* is a Doctor at that surgery right there, see? I ALWAYS go to the corner shop after School, he watches the whole time, yeah? I'll bring him back safe. But if you're REALLY worried about YOUR child, I'll just go ALL BY MYSELF then. *Emphasis as a challenge, like are you concerned for real like you're fronting or are you just like Miss and the rest? As long as you're seen to have done your bit, then fuck off, kid, I'm blameless and don't owe you shit. Go on, disappoint me, like.* Fraze: *He couldn't believe what he was hearing, nobody talked to his ma like that, even his da knew better than to try it, like, but fucking hell, here was this tiny girl, half his size, giving it all that and more 'cause she weren't fronting that she weren't scared or anything, she just properly weren't. Fraze's chest felt tight and his stomach was well twisty, making him reckon that maybe he didn't want sweets so bad any more now. Wide blue eyes went from Katie to his ma and back again, not daring to blink in case he missed a sec of what either of 'em were gonna do next. He watched for everything that weren't said out loud an' all, 'cause that was the thing with his ma, she could be quieter than Joe ever had, when she wanted, but there was always something going on. Like he said, she was always loud, not always in the shouty way of it or whatever though. And right now he reckoned he could hear her thinking. Deciding about shit. More than if he was allowed sweets or nah. He swallowed hard, waiting, counting not to calm, exactly, just...fuck knows.  He made it to 3 when he saw his ma do one of them smiles of hers that he tried to copy in the mirror whenever Joe weren't about to catch him. And then swore he felt the nod she gave as much as saw it, breathing out himself at the same time. Yeah? She was really saying it was alright instead of kicking off? Oh my god. His jaw was about to hit the floor, unlike his ma's which he knew was set as much as her mind was made up. She told him to 'go with his friend'. (The unspoken McKenna code passing between 'em with a look as he made sure to stand as tall as possible so his ma knew he understood that he was meant to look after this girl and would. Could easy.) He barely listened to the rest, knowing she'd be telling him the usual shit, to get his arse straight back to the cafe, no messing, blah blah blah, but he did hear her invite Katie back too, catching his classmate's eye quickly, unable to stop himself from hoping that she would come with after, get a coke with him and stick around. He liked her again and this time he really wanted her to know it. Be friends proper like his ma reckoned they were. But even more than that, he wanted to see if he could impress her too, somehow. For that, he needed time and opportunity so fingers crossed. The boy grinned widely, feeling it on his face but not caring who else saw. Things were going his way, why shouldn't he? Fuck off if you don't agree.* In a bit, ma. *He threw the words over his squared shoulders, feeling her watch him how he was sure she would they both until they were out of sight. Fine. He weren't mad. Not now.* Bea: *She wasn't sure how Fraze's Mum would react. Most adults (the normal ones) didn't know how to react to her, she made them uncomfortable, she did the other kids as well. Hell, even some of the bad adults she saw way more of couldn't handle her, just like old Al in the corner shop, she shook her head, smirking at the thought of rinsing him of all the good stuff, yet again. This time with someone to show-off to and share her spoils with. She liked it when she made people uncomfortable, it was better than the ones she didn't, they're the ones who made her feel like that instead and she hated it. Telling her how clever and grown-up and funny she was, but in the voice you'd use to talk to a baby so she doubted they fucking meant it. But she was. Had to be, so she had to take some damn pride in it too, thanks very much and fuck you for thinking otherwise. As much as she doubted the lady was gonna belt her one, still, Bea didn't reckon on a smile either; It ALMOST caught her off-guard, to the point she smiled back, before quickly wiping it off her features as if it never happened. Pretend it was to get out of here faster, whatever. She did a fake polite smile back when the invite came, knowing she couldn't already- but when she caught him trying to catch her eye, all eager and earnest- her reply that NEEDED to be 'No, thanks' stuck and instead she said nothing, just nodded her head dumbly. Oh well. She'd dash after, make whatever excuse worked best, no problem. Walking off from her with a bemused nod, kind of shocked that that had actually worked but proud it had, she stood up as tall as him (well, she wasn't, but back as straight and shoulder's pushed as far back, like), side by side. The shop really was only a few buildings down the road from their School and you only had to cross one tiny sideroad which was easy unless you was a total moron and she didn't think he was, actually. She looks up at him, grinning back, his infectious.* How many Brothers and Sisters you got then? *Bea asked, unprompted, wondering if there was more she'd not seen before or what.* Fraze: *He was pure made up to be doing this, he weren't allowed when it was him and his big brother together, though they did it secretly when ma and da weren't about to stop 'em, this was different. Proper. They'd asked and they'd got, that didn't just fucking happen, day to day. Not to him. Not with his ma. So there was no pretending he weren't happy. Simple as. He was bouncing on his heels all the way along, free and loving it, like. Fraze didn't look back once, wouldn't. He barely stole any the girl walking with him, 'til she spoke, breaking the easy silence. His eyes met hers then, searching for how she felt in spite of the grin he could see, making sure. Taking it serious, everything his ma hadn't needed to tell him to do and he hadn't needed to promise to. He shrugged at the question, surprised if she really didn't know already 'cause for some reason it was always something people did.* 2 Brothers and a sister. *He grimaced at that word same as he had with 'please'.* But she's just a baby, like. Whatever. *He meant that. Ali weren't annoying yet. Less than Tommo already was, following 'em about like a little shadow. Fuck that and fuck off.* Ma and da like me best though. *He laughed. The boast was half true, he was his da's fave, way more than Joe, who was a mama's boy. Like or nah. *An' they got a girl now so they ain't need no more, thank Christ. *He paused, looking at her again as he remembered what she'd said before about her own family, the only thing he knew about her other than her name and her anger. His eyes and voice both softened as he spoke up.* Soz 'bout your ma. That's shit. Bea: *He had loads of energy, like. It was hard for Bea to keep up, honestly, but she did her best not to let it show. That was par for the course when you never got enough food or enough sleep, you get used to faking an acceptable, undetectable level of 'fine' to keep from the more exhausting conversations no one wants to have. Simple as. Still, conversationally, he was easy to keep up with. So she had seen them all before. Bea nodded, pleased she had some experience to relate to what he was saying.* My sister too. *It was hard to tell how old babies were, they all sort of looked the same but she reckoned Luce was a bit younger than the little girl she'd seen with Fraze's Dad a few times. Fatter though, and she didn't walk yet or say much. It worried her a lot but she didn't wanna think about that right now when she had all the other time in the world to do that, right now she actually had something else, so appreciate it whilst it lasts. She laughs, meaning it, ruffling his hair like his Mum had, having to get on her tiptoes to reach.* Nah, bet they tell you off ALL the time. Bet you're- *She gets off him, quick, shrugging away, pulling her jacket 'round her tight but making a sound like she ain't even bothered, though she's walking faster.* If you reckon that's shit, my Dad's dead too so wha'd'ya think to that? Fraze: *Fuck's sake. It was going decent, she liked him again, he could see it, hear it when she laughed and feel it when she took the piss that it was playful same as before with the crisp bag, but he didn't keep his mouth shut and let it be. Why? She was the one with the dead ma, she knew how shit it was without him to tell her. Knobhead. She turned into Joe when their ma and da came home late or they woke up in the night 'cause the door was going again, like. If he tried another sorry she might hit him, or worse, cry like she reckoned she never. Either way, she wouldn't hear the apology 'cause she didn't want it. He blinked hard, scratching the back of his neck as he caught up with her increased stride. That bit was easy, finding something to say weren't. Fraze frowned and thought. It came to him after a sec.* I reckon you'll do all right, my ma and da don't have parents, never have, and they're sound. *He pulled the girl back by the sleeve of her coat, not rough like he would've if she actually was his brother, but insistent still, looking at her.* You won my ma round, like, and that ain't something I can do. Bea: *More nodding. Least that made sense, why his Mum had been nice to her, like. Dead Parents club. They didn't call it that, but she'd overheard him telling some well-meaning old biddies that that's where she went...Support group? Yeah, support group, that he'd found a really amazing one for her with other kids with dead Parents, sometimes dead Brothers and Sisters too, for a change. It was all bollocks, she didn't go nothing like that. Fuck, probably reckons if he lets her start chatting that all his secrets and feelings will come spilling out, never mind her own. Joke. She didn't really feel much about her Parents anyway, truly. No offense. Didn't have time for it. If she ever had the luxury of time to think on them, she just got angry at them for leaving her here because if they hadn't, all the rest of her problems wouldn't exist, so then she would have time to miss 'em like everyone reckoned she must/should. When Fraze pulls her back, she considers telling him, God, not all of this, but some of it, she decides against it, though. HIS Parents ain't dead, after all, and holy fuck she bets nothing like what's happening to her has EVER happened to him; So he ain't gonna get it, couldn't. She shrugs, less aggressively than before, sort of smiling that weird half-smile that was a bit sad too, that she'd learnt from the films, fluttering her eyelashes at him all for effect.* I am cuter than you. Fraze: *There was a huge part of him, growing every second, it felt like, that wanted to know what going on, behind everything, but just like his ma (who never even locked the bathroom door but still kept 'em all at arms length still) he had no clue how to get Katie to show or tell him either. He couldn't scream at her or hit her. You weren't allowed to do shit like that to girls, and everyone else saw her as one even if them two didn't, so he'd get in trouble if he dared try anyway. And he didn't, dare, like. Not 'cause he wanted sweets, fuck them honestly by now, he'd basically forgot 'bout the whole debt thing. But 'cause he couldn't stop thinking about her coming to the cafe with him and maybe tomorrow, sitting together 'cause they wanted to, instead of miss saying they had to. He shrugged back, staring at her openly, fed up with so many secrets around all the time. Fuck cute, that was for babies and animals and that. She was more. Impressive and fierce and...what? He needed to find a word for the new girl that was just better. Cooler. Properly decent. Something that fit.* You ain't cute, you're boss. Bea: *It isn't that the prolonged eye contact made her uncomfortable, it was that it DIDN'T, and she didn't know what to do with that at all. She was used to people looking at her, and those people and their looks making her want to rip off her own skin because it crawled so much. As much as their hands and eyes would roam all over her and- And she knew what to do with them, stare back, to hide all that...grossness, that she felt underneath, because that's what they wanted to see, so you couldn't let 'em. She had to make it hard for them, not as fun, or else, what the fuck did she have? But Fraze wasn't looking at her like that. Or making her feel any of that. But she felt SOMETHING, not nothing, like when people looked her up and down who didn't know. What did he know, though? It was confusing. Bit like the word he called her. She still didn't know exactly what it meant, when they said it the way they did 'round here, but she knew it was a good thing so she was happy. She smiled, opening and holding the shop door for him with a wink as they reached it.* You'll see. Fraze: *She smiled and he was back to winning. Nah, feeling like a winner was more like it. He smiled back, putting his weight on the door before it could knock her over, like. She really was tiny, smaller than any other girl in their class by loads but he'd never noticed until she squared up to his ma just now, which didn't make sense 'cause 'course that made her seem bigger. Why was he thinking 'bout how she looked anyway? Weird that. She weren't no boy he was looking to fight, working out his odds and that was the only time size mattered. Fraze told himself to shut his gob and went in, looking 'round 'til he found where the sweets were and went towards 'em. This shop had shit loads, if he had spends he could go well mad in here, like. Get more than a handful of his faves. His ma hadn't given him any though so that weren't likely, was it? He could hear her voice in his ear, saying 'take what you can get, kid' so he started filling one of the little paper bags with Sherbet Lemons, but he'd only thrown a few in, nowhere near enough to stop her owing him, when something else drowned out that wisdom. He turned back to the girl, sharply, stopping. Fraze kept his voice low, trying not to embarrass her again.* How you gonna buy these without any money? Bea: *Al was a nervous sort of man but Bea could see he was even more nervous than usual now that she wasn't alone, his eyes darting back to Fraze enough to be odd but he clearly couldn't help it. Probably reckoning the little girl had told the little boy all the bad things unassuming old Al liked to get up to with her. She grinned at the man fiercely, taking power in that thought, linking her arm with the boy's and Al smiled back best he could, all meek and licking his lips even five seconds making them all wet. Disgusting. Bea peered down into Fraze's pink striped bag and frowned up at him, talking loud to show she could, it weren't no secret.* Get more! Get stuff for your Brother's and Sister too, if you like. We can have whatever we want. Al and me are good friends, aren't we Al? *A mumbled 'Oh erm, yes, of course we are. Help yourselves, kids. Any friend of Katie's...' as he worried the skin on the back on his neck, coughing into his elbow furiously, going pink like Fraze had earlier with his Mum.* Bea made a big show of peering at every shelf, taking her time, 'Hmm'ing' out loud, tapping her index finger on her lips, in time to the tapping of her foot. She was really taking the piss today, trying a 'sample' of every pick 'n' mix going, shoveling jellybeans into her mouth and handing the boy as many, firing them into his mouth, see if he could catch them. It was a right laugh. Made better by the fact Al was getting mad but still couldn't do anything, even when she 'accidentally' knocked over a whole display of chocolate bars. He was still just laughing, in such a nervous, fake way and tutting over the top dramatic, cleaning up behind 'em. The power she felt in him being able to do fuck all was immense, it was why she came back every day. It was why he was so mean when he got his chance. Worth it though. Worth it to make him fucking squirm. In the end she got some of those little sugar mice for Luce, they were kinda gross and she didn't really like letting her sister eat them either (she was big enough and everyone knew sweets were bad for you) but her little sister loved it when Bea made them scurry about, pretending to nibble on the mouldy cheese way past the turn, acting like they were gonna bite the horrible dog's tail off, she proper giggled, like- Yeah, those for Luce and she didn't really fancy anything herself, feeling sick from how much she'd ate just to show her accomplice that she could, to show Al too. She felt full as well though that was impossible. Full of it, like. That's what she'd heard Miss say about the freckly face in front of her, dead affectionate though, like, not on a day when he was actually winding her up proper. He was just...likable. Bea liked him, she decided. Pulling him out the door, giggling, waggling her fingers at Al behind 'em who looked like he was about to cry, the absolute pussy.* If you come back with me again, you can have more, don't have to share your lunch or nothing. Just don't tell no one else. I only share my secrets with people who are worthy, okay? Only us can do it, not even your Brother can come...No offense. *She stuck her pinky out again.* Deal? Fraze: *Linking arms was the kind of playground shit that stupid girls did and he didn't like it, but he liked that she did, that she was over the top happy from the first sec she did it so he didn't pull away. Besides, the bloke weren't happy 'bout none of it, and Fraze liked him even less. Instantly. He was the kind of bell end his ma warned 'em off of, he felt that. Acting all nice to hide the sketchy. Loads of 'em did it, you had to have your wits, like. And a decent jab, which his da had taught him an' all. The way Katie called him a friend got his back proper up, not just 'cause he wanted to be hers, though he did. It was the way she said it, with the same voice his ma and da used when people came 'round, late. He felt sick over it, didn't want anything, would rather she was a dipper too, like him and Joe sometimes were, with little things you could hide easy. But every time he tried to shake his head nah or get words out to tell her they should just bail now, fuck this for a bad idea, the girl handed him something. It was tempting to go home the hero, sweets for everyone and as many inside him, like. He couldn't deny that. And anyway, if this man was a wrong'un then he was owed it. Worse too. Until he could tell someone, maybe make his da come 'round and scare the cunt then why not, yeah? They were good sweets, he couldn't deny that either, especially when she made a game of getting him to catch 'em. He laughed with none of the nervousness he felt in his guts when Katie did that, finding it even funnier when they fell on the floor. Al would have to sweep each of 'em up. Have fun, knobhead. He grinned wider than he had before now, 'til it almost hurt, picking out loads more sweets and chocolate than his ma would ever let him keep hold of, just 'cause. If he could leave this place with empty shelves, he would, to see how smiley Al would feel 'bout him taking everything. His ma would be proud of that much, he reckoned. It made him feel better, a bit. Brave enough to stick his own fingers up at the bloke when she waved, like it was how he treated shitty adults as standard. Still, he breathed out a huge breath once they properly left. The street under his feet felt massive suddenly and well bright. Fraze shook his too heavy head, only stopping when his new mate spoke to him, his eyes widening instead, both eyebrows rising up really high. That was alright by him, it meant he didn't have to ask any stupid questions when his face did that for him. A hand ran through his short blonde hair, too many thoughts to think.* Okay. Yeah. *He couldn't help grinning again, he knew she was only saying that stuff about him so he'd keep his mouth shut, but he liked it. Being treated like a winner by someone else without a fight and having a secret that even Joe wouldn't know. Sharing it with her. He nodded, redoing the promise. It didn't feel decent enough though, not for now, and not as soon as he'd had a better idea. The boy spat into his palm quickly and held it out for the other to shake.* Deal. Bea: *She knew what the other girls in their class would do if Fraze so much as attempted to do this with them, (though, why would he? He was always just playfighting with the other lads and generally tormenting the girls that came near and tried to make him play Mums and Dads with them or something), they'd shriek in horror and run away, hysterical giggling or crying, either to tell the Teacher or talk to the other prissy girls about how gross boys were. Bea just reckoned they were lucky if a bit of spit was really the grossest thing they could imagine. How lucky to be such a little Princess that you never have to touch anything unpleasant, that you can run and scream, and people will listen. She spat into her own palm, with more enthusiasm than necessary, (fueled by her annoyance at every other girl who wouldn't), and shook his hand real strong, like, looking him square in the eye, serious.* No takebacks. Your Mum will let you now she knows me so don't be tryna get out of it, alright? I'll know. *She poked him in the chest to show she meant it, but turned her serious tone into a playful one, grinning again, wiping their spit onto the chest of his School jumper.* Boss, yeah? Fraze: *He didn't know how he knew she'd do it before she did, he just reckoned she would. Without any of the other bullshit other girls brought with 'em, like screaming or telling tales of him. Anyway, who was she gonna tell, her granddad? He weren't scared of no coffin dodger and she hadn't called by him that anyway, so maybe she could stick him less than the teachers. Sounded like it, and yeah, if he knew more blokes like Al, no wonder. Fuck it, he weren't sorry 'bout spitting and he didn't have to be, 'cause she'd done the same back before he could even blink. So there. All Fraze could do now was hold her serious gaze.* I ain't never. I only say what I mean, nothin' else. And I reckon I like you, now. Kid. *He added the last word with a cheeky grin, doing the best impression of his ma's voice that he could, which by his own reckoning was pure decent. He'd practiced a lot, like, to make Joe and the younger 'uns laugh. He hoped she would too, fingers crossed. Every grin of hers made him do it too, if he realised or nah, but the boy felt this one, how it kept growing when she was grosser than him. He looked down at her hand when it touched him, small as fuck, but really strong against his chest. He wanted to put his own on top of it, or something, for a sec, 'til he blinked the moment away. Don't be stupid, he told himself, as quick. Why would Katie want that? Why did he? He forced himself to look away, blushing, a bit. Fucking hell. This was the most embarrassing thing that'd happened all day. He shrugged hard, pretending it was that easy to get past it. His voice, only his own again, steady and loud.* Yeah. You comin' to the cafe then? Bea: *Her face hurt from how big she was beaming but she didn't mind none, didn't even care how much she was showing all her cards right now, 'cos he had first so that made it alright for her as well. It was nice, different, but still nice. She really hoped he meant it and they could have some more fun, get in some more trouble. It'd make her days a bit less shit, she'd have less time to think about when she had to go 'Home'. No sense worrying 'bout it whilst she weren't there, couldn't be, HAD to be in School. It'd be ace if they could be kinda mates. Bea even let the 'Kid' slide because it was funny how much he could make himself sound like his Mum, she laughed, able to see the funny side when the woman herself weren't the one saying it at her. She felt him tense up under her fist, she didn't know why but instinctively dropped it back to her side, feeling bad she'd made him feel bad, though she didn't get it. Not like he was afraid of her, like he thought she was gonna thump him, surely? Maybe he thought she was gross? She let it slide, as well, knowing he'd only get dead moody if she tried to ask, (she would've too so), walking further on in the direction of the cafe. It was her turn to tense up. She wanted to. Even though his Mum and Brother would be there too, she really did want to stay with him, keep having a nice time. A lot, actually. But Luce...Bea bit her lip, conflicted. What was ten more minutes? But, how much would she enjoy them when she knew anything could happen in a split second and it was bad enough she had to spend 6 hours every day away from her, not able to keep an eye on Nan, keep her Sister safe.* Will your Mum put my coke in a to-go cup for me? I can't stay long. I have to go look after my baby Sister. Fraze: *She hadn't said nah and that put the smile back on his face, though his face still felt a bit hot from the hand thing and his stomach was doing that twisty shit again 'cause it was ready for her to go running off home and keep him waiting for tomorrow, like. That's what girls did, yeah? He'd seen it on telly and heard it from the lads at the park, both couldn't be wrong. No way. So she was different and he was lucky. And today was a good day where this girl kept being boss. End of. He weren't gonna ask why. Alright, maybe later when she had properly gone and he was in bed, trying to sleep, but not now. While they could, Fraze intended on having as much fun as they could. It weren't like he'd forgotten that he needed to impress her too for everything she'd already done. Easy it'd be 'cause they had ages before it was time to go pick the others up and head home. All he had to do was think of something that she'd reckon was 'worthy' again. He weren't no thicko, he'd get it done. Somehow. He was about to open the door, holding it open for Katie this time, when he worked out that she'd stopped. He hung back with her, waiting for the reason. It weren't the one he expected, 'bout getting in trouble for staying out or feeling sick from so many sweets and he blinked for what felt like the hundred millionth time that day. What? He looked at her confused.* Can't your nan or grandda do that? But yeah, she will. 'Course. Anything for one of my mates, like. Bea: *Any potential annoyance at him not getting it was assuaged by him calling her his mate. It felt good, on the inside, it was her turn to go pink, facing away so he couldn't see it, that and her stupid big smile. She weren't even arsed about all the kids at School who wouldn't be her friend, because they clearly didn't know shit, why'd she wanna be friends with idiots like that? And she reckoned him the same before but he was showing he was different now, somehow, even if she hadn't totally pinned down how, yet. It didn't matter, if they were mates, she'd have time to work him out, she was smart enough. Easy. She shrugged, being casual with it as she walked in the cafe, like it weren't the big deal it was.* ... Sure, but she makes me help her.  *Rolling her eyes at him all 'adults, yeah?', making it as relatable as she could, like, come on, get it and drop it quick.* Fraze: *He nodded, pulling a face of his own 'cause his ma was like that, on at him if he told Tommo to fuck off even though he weren't the one being annoying in the first place. So what if that was his little brother's first words? He'd fit right in then, yeah? You're welcome, like. He could answer the door for 'em next time armed with that and all the pointing he did. The grimace turned realer then, he'd only said the stuff in his head but Fraze just couldn't joke about that shit. Never. It made him scared and weren't having that ever, but especially now, with her. He nodded at his ma as they walked in, exaggeratedly as he made his fingers into a gun and put it to his head, miming dead for a sec after, to show Katie he knew exactly what she meant and 'course it was the same for him. He pulled out a chair for the girl at the table Joe was sat at, homework book already out, the one next to empty seat he was gonna take though. It didn't take long after they'd sat down for his ma to come over too and he told her quickly what they both wanted so she'd go again. He'd been embarrassed enough by her, knowing she'd ruffle his hair again on her way past to piss him off. It was fucking worse, she told him that they had to share 'cause she weren't 'made of money' even when he basically shouted back at her that Katie had to leave soon, trying his best to barter for the cup deal. FUCKING HELL. It was this table's turn for a kick and his to get pulled up by his collar so his ma could 'have a quiet word in his ear'. The whole cafe knew what she was really saying. His fists clenched as he went, no chance of calming down as he stared back at the two of them left at the table.* Bea: *Bea watched the whole performance from start to finish, mix of amusement and curiosity, sat passively on her chosen-for-her chair, opposite Fraze's Brother, who sat as passive. More. He wasn't even slightly interested, it seemed, barely looking up when voices were raised, tables kicked and his Brother dragged off. She got it. Your normal's your normal, no matter how unlike anyone else's it might be. God, she got it. The things she knew were bad that she didn't bat an eyelid at now, blinking like her friend had whenever she said something he weren't reckoning on. When him and his Ma were gone out back, she turned to properly study the Brother, Joe, weren't it? You wouldn't pin 'em as Brothers, for a start. He was dark where Fraze was blonde, long hair 'stead of short, shorter than him too even though he was the year above, brown eyes where his were blue, devoid of any freckles when the other boy was entirely covered. Opposites. Again, she got it. She loved her little sister but she was the weirdest looking thing and she was glad she didn't look like that, sorry Luce. The boy, Joe, smiled up at her, bit nervous, she smiled back, apologetically, not meaning to have been staring for that long. She didn't get out her Homework, no intention of doing it, even if she had the time. She sipped on the shared coke, taking the blue straw so Fraze would have to have the pink, smirking. It was a funny taste, but it seemed grown-up. She'd only had coke before now from stealing the dregs other people left in places like McDonalds. Pretending to be with this family or that, she'd never been noticed, good at looking like she belonged somehow. Her friend came back scowling, slumping in his seat dramatically. She pushed the glass over to him, like he had his lunch earlier today, nudging him with her shoulder to say 'Cheer up, mate'.* Fraze: *He was so fucking mad, knowing that his first shot at impressing the girl was gone already and not reckoning on having long for another, if she was even still there when he got back. Joe could make her wanna leave by being west in his own way if their ma didn't. He should've taken her someone else, somewhere pure cool, like the park, but he didn't reckon it until now, while he was meant to be listening to his telling off. Forget that shit though, it was always the same bollocks over and over, them reckoning he should do what they never did themselves. His ma and da weren't calm. Joe weren't, still as he sat. So why should he listen? It was stupid. Yeah, alright his ma didn't have loads of spends but neither did Katie and look at all the sweets he'd got. She coulda stretched to another coke to make him look boss too, if she'd wanted. But nah, she wanted to keep him a baby. Fraze didn't make a sound, dared not 'cause it'd make her keep him here longer away from his brother and mate, but he grimaced through every sec. Couldn't not, like. 'Til his ma started saying stuff he didn't expect, questions about Katie which made his eyes widen (again). There weren't much else he could give her, answers wise, all he knew 'bout this girl really was that she had a baby sister too, dead parents and lived with her grandparents (he didn't have any to compare to, 'course but they sounded annoying) He weren't gonna tell anyone 'bout Al, he'd promised and there weren't anything to say even if he hadn't. It was more of a feeling he had, not words and thoughts. How was he meant to explain that? If there'd been no promise, or he was a snitch, his ma still weren't giving him chance, talking and talking herself. The only question out of loads that he did answer was when she asked him if they nicked the sweets she'd already clocked him having. He didn't want her thinking Katie was a dipper when she weren't and he definitely didn't want to be marched back into that bloke's shop and made to give 'em all back. No fucking way, tah. He waited for her to kick off or call him a liar ('cause it weren't the proper truth, leaving Al out the picture) but his ma just let him go back to the table with one of her looks ('cept not exactly, and not the kind he reckoned on getting either). He went, but it didn't feel like winning, even being back with his new friend. He didn't like that look or what it might mean if he brought this girl back to the cafe again.* Bea: *Bea didn't like how it felt now. Dead awkward. She knew his Mum didn't actually like her, yeah, shocker and give a shit, lady, stop staring at me too; but that was seeming to matter more now it wasn't just them two. Probably 'cos she'd got him in trouble with his Mum and he was angry with her now. Shit. She didn't mean to do that, like. Not trying to make and break friends on the same day. Oh well. Guessing she'd leave before she could make it any worse, she got up almost as soon as he was back, leaning over to take a big gulp of the drink as she did.* Thanks for the drink. *She raised her voice loud enough so his Mum would hear too, show she had manners, actually.* See you tomorrow then? Fraze: *Fraze wanted to kill his ma right then and if looks could kill, he would've, without feeling bad, at all, like. As soon as Katie got up, he moved himself, holding onto the sleeve of the coat she hadn't taken off (again) to keep her at the table she'd leaned over for longer, shaking his head.* Don't go yet. *His voice sounded dead weird and he was glad he couldn't see whatever the fuck his face looked like, 'cause he'd only wanna take the piss out of himself and now weren't the time.* We've got loads of homework, like. *He could give a fuck 'bout that, he weren't gonna do it and even if the new girl was, he knew she didn't need his help, miss loved to go on 'bout how proper smart Katie was, but it was the first thing he could think of. Fuck's sake. Maybe he was a thicko. Fingers crossed she'd reckon on what he actually meant and he wouldn't end up more embarrassed that he'd already been today. Worth a shot, yeah?* Bea: *She looked down at her cuff, and his hand attached firmly to it, still, looking back up to his face, resolve softening instantly, seeing how mad he WASN'T at her, just his Mum. Instinctively, she'd drawn her hand up into the coat when he'd made to grab her, but she now had a strong urge to reach down and grab his hand back, to hold it for a while. Her fingers felt itchy from it, but Bea resisted. Booting her dropped bag back under the table, she smiled, sitting down again. Leaning down to get the homework book and a pencil out.* Alright, boff. *She stuck her tongue out at him.* Fraze: *She sat back down next to him and he breathed out hard, but making it the kind of 'oh fuck off' sigh he'd heard both his parents do as he made a face back at her. It quickly turned into a wide grin though, Fraze couldn't help that, his ma was cleaning the other tables, Joe wasn't trying to be matey with his new one (he did shove some sweets his brother's way, just in case he was gonna open his mouth to say something) and she was sticking around. He was made up to take all that. Homework weren't gonna keep him happy, but he reckoned he could think of something else to do with his book if he tried hard. Thinking, the boy blew bubbles in the glass with his straw, biting down hard on the tip when he realised he had a pink one. Tah ma, bet that was you, an' all. He nudged Katie with his elbow, showing her his 'masterpiece' when was done. It didn't take long, it was piss easy to make a flipbook, his ma had shown him and Joe ages ago and it weren't hard to draw a version of their teacher getting a lunch tray dumped over her head by the last page. Not impressive either, but he couldn't raid the cafe kitchen like she had Al's shelves. He weren't doing this to score points anyway, just make her smile. Or maybe laugh, that'd be best.* Bea: *Bea watched him studiously, over his shoulder, uncaringly brazen like, so she could try and work out what exactly he was doing. She laughed happily when he showed her the finished product. It was like a tiny film or something, she had no idea how it worked but she thought it was really clever. Not to mention funny, especially the look he'd drawn on Miss' face.* Cool! Show me how. *She bet Luce would love these. She could make her ones about the dog and the mice, make up stories to go with them...Yeah, that'd be good, she'd think it was like magic, her big brown eyes shining out from her pudgy little face. Fraze obliged, clearly feeling proud to know something she didn't but he was a patient teacher with it too, her tongue poked out in sheer concentration. By the end, she'd drawn Al, slipping on some gumballs and falling straight on his big bum, mop bucket landing on his head to add insult to injury, crying big, fat cartoon tears. She grinned up at her friend, seeing if he liked it, and could tell who the fat, bespectacled old stickman was meant to be. She whispered in his ear, so the other's couldn't hear, the cafe quieting down as they got closer to closing time.* You didn't tell your Mum nothing, did you? Fraze: *She did laugh and it made him feel weird, but not in the bad way he had in the shop or his ma had with her questions. It was like when he was little like Tommo and his da used to chuck him around and flip him upside down, all that kind of shit. When he laughed too, Fraze couldn't get his breath properly, as if he'd run really far and fast, and his face hurt (the same as when he had contests with his boy mates to see how could fit the most food in their gob) 'cause he was grinning so much. It got wider once she asked him to show her how to make a flipbook and again when she had her own go, but he weren't mad. Couldn't be. Honestly, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so NOT mad and not only that but happy instead. Happy, even though she was better at drawing than him by miles and normally he hated coming second at anything, announced out loud by somebody or in his own head, like. For a sec he almost told her how good she was, reckoning she'd like to hear it, but before he could, Katie got closer to him than she'd been up 'til now and he forgot any of them words. The upside down feeling was back, 'cause her hair was long and soft and it tickled his cheek when she moved (which should've been annoying but was only confusing 'cause it weren't ) and he knew it smelt nice but not why or what of. He knew too that, like her hand earlier, he wanted to touch it, but again, not why he did. He shook his head firmly no to both things, but couldn't stop himself from reaching to put every strand that'd got him behind her ear where it should be, telling himself it would get in the way of him talking into hers if he didn't.* 'Course not. I promised, didn't I? I always keep 'em. Bea: *She could tell he liked her, for real. She weren't being 'up herself' nor nothing, like everyone reckoned she was; But she couldn't help it when it was THAT obvious, could she? What was she meant to do? Ignore it? Pretend the opposite was true? That was just stupid, if you asked her. Anyway, she liked that it was obvious. Why was it meant to be all sly and secret and make you feel confused and wrong? It was like that with him, with all of them, and that was just... bad. Really bad. She appreciated how easy kids her own age made it. And it felt nice. Good. Nothing weird in it, she was the one in control too, knowing more than all of them always. Some of them didn't even know what it was, the feeling. She reckoned Fraze probably didn't. He didn't like girls, he'd said. He was one of those boys. The footie and fighting and running around being lairy boys. Some boys would play with the girls, preferred it, enjoying all the attention and love they got lavished on them if they were willing to be the Daddy, or worse, much worse, the Doctor. She'd kissed lots of boys under the slide, or in the Wendy House, when the Teachers weren't looking, but ONLY when they were being the Dad. Doctors and Nurses made her skin crawl. It made her wonder if these kids knew him like she knew him, the way they insisted on playing it. Too hands on, too in your face, too...everything. She'd give any boy, or girl for that matter, who came near her with the stupid plastic stethoscope a slap. No, that wasn't even the point right now. Focus on what he was saying, not doing. He's your friend, an actual friend, don't ruin this like you do with all the others who give you the time of day. They weren't going to kiss RIGHT NOW. In front of his Brother and Mum, for God's sake! So stupid. She shook her head, letting more strands of her strawberry blonde hair fall in front of her face, the tight ponytail she did before leaving the house a laughable mess by the end of the day, hair wild and essentially loose. It wasn't like she WANTED him to tuck the rest behind her ears too, nah. She smiled at him, a little breathless, a little pink, to show she weren't shaking her head at him, only herself.* Good. Me too. Fraze: *He smiled but couldn't look back at her at the same time, he needed to take a breath and a drink so he did both. Too fast, nearly knocking the glass of coke properly over. Thank fuck it only wobbled but didn't fall 'cause he was in enough trouble with his ma. Still, he shrugged, acting like even if he didn't mean to be that div, he didn't care that it'd happened. He was Fraze McKenna and he was cool, end of. Especially now she reckoned so too. This girl who weren't like the rest and he'd already told was well boss. He turned back to their homework books, clearing his throat, all 'ahem' like he'd seen loads of adults do before they said something important, like, deciding that now was the time to let her know what he reckoned to her picture of Al. He made his voice standard volume again, hoping his ma would hear it an' all ('cause she could draw or paint anything he'd ever thought up and asked her to do, unlike his da who weren't as decent as Katie, somehow.)* You're dead good at drawing, you know. Bea: *Bea went to steady the glass, grabbing it from him when it didn't fall and he was busy playing it off; taking a huge, gulp, finishing it for them with a grin.* 'Fore you're wearing it, like. *She explained, similarly loud enough for his Mum to hear too, the lady already not reckoning much to her manners as was. She smiled big and proud with the compliment he gave. Usually she didn't really care about approval or compliments or any of that shit from people, like Miss, definitely not from any of them. It was just telling her stuff, about herself, which she already knew? Like, thanks. Saying, well done, YOU'VE impressed ME. But from Fraze, it was I'M impressed by YOU. She didn't know if those things were really any different or if they just felt it, but it was like sunshine.* I just practice a lot really... *It was true. It was quiet, easy to do anywhere, when she couldn't sleep, when she weren't allowed to. And it was almost like being somewhere else when you could focus, see the picture so clearly in your head, put all your energy into trying to make it as real as possible on the page in front of you. .She did it to try and remember too. Where she'd lived before. Mum. Dad. It wasn't good enough to take her back, though. Maybe when she was older and really good, maybe then- No. Never. She shook her head. Invariably thinking about Luce now because that's how it worked, literal trade-off she hadn't asked for. That was mean. She was a baby. This wasn't her fault, she didn't ask for it either, she didn't do anything wrong- but neither did I, Bea thought.* I better get going now. *It probably seemed out of nowhere but it weren't, she'd stayed way longer than she should've, than she meant to. She really did have to leave this time. Running all the way Home, heart already thudding hard into her ribs before starting.* Thanks for lunch again. See ya tomorrow.

[marshmallowatheart]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before (Part 16)

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

“Okay, what’s going on?” Logan finally asks, hands on the steering wheel and eyes on the road but he’s too well attuned with his surroundings to not notice the giggling kids in the back seat.

“Heather and Darrell are playing cupid,” Veronica remarks, chewing on a piece of liquorice as she twists around in her seat to get a look at the giggling duo.

“Cupidress,” Heather corrects. “Or well you could just go ahead and call me Aphrodite, the goddess of love.”

Logan chuckles, brows perking up, amused, “Alright, Miss Goddess of Love, who are you aiming your arrows at?”

Veronica tilts her head and informs him, “Nope, Cupid’s the one with the bow and arrow," she points directionless at him with her liquorice as he drives. "Aphrodite has a magic girdle.”

His lips curves, remarking, “Chill out Athena, I was talking to Aphrodite here.”

Veronica rolls her eyes, munching away, trying to focus herself on the scenery outside instead of the boy next to her. “Sure, Poseidon, get back to your mixed up mythical references.”

“Sheesh, someone’s testy this morning.”

“Not all of us can sleep through the car ride like Wallace here," she jerks her thumb in the direction of the back seat where Wallace is leaning his head against the window, snoozing away until they reach the zoo. "And I didn't get enough sleep last night."

"Thoughts of me?" He quips, batting his lashes. "Hey, I get it. Sometimes I’m up all night, just thinkin’ about myself.”

She resists the urge to smack his shoulder since he's driving and settles for making him regret his unwanted snark. "Actually I was baking a chocolate cake for us to have for dessert but guess who just cost himself a slice?"

Logan groans, he wants to look at her with pleading eyes but he doesn't want to take his eyes off the road for too many seconds. "C'mon, Veronica, don't I get credit for driving us all there?"

"Nope, you wanted to drive," she mercilessly points out.

"Heather asked me to drive," he retaliates. "Who am I to deny the kid her wish?"

Veronica sneers at the reminder. "I drive perfectly fine, thank you very much and if she had a such a problem she could have rode with Dad and Mrs Fennel."

"No!" Heather objects, almost leaping out of her seat to defend her choices but thankfully has on her seatbelt holding her down. "The whole point is that Dad and Alicia can have some alone time!"

"Oh," Logan lets out, comprehending who her two victims of love were.

"And she said you drive like you're in a NASCAR game," Darrell points out and Heather objects with a loud hey for the treachery. He shrugs, "That's what you get for sticking me with the middle seat."

"Urg!" Veronica huffs. "That happened once! And I thought we were being followed by the E-String Strangler. And maybe you shouldn't get any cake either."

"Who wants a piece of the leaning tower of Pisa anyway?" Heather snarks. "Besides we want ice cream for dessert, not cake."

Veronica lets out a long psshhttt sound and grumbles, "It goes down your throat the same either way."

--vm--

“We’re getting on the bus!” Keith eagerly says, map in hand, ready to go.

“Dad, no," Veronica whines, she's hungry and hot and wants to just sit and eat something - anything - before they start their journey from one end of the zoo to the other.

“It’s only half an hour Veronica. Half the zoo, half an hour," he emphasises like it's a bargain they can't possibly pass up on.

"I've got snacks," Alicia interjects and Veronica's eyes are drawn to the overly big beach bag that Alicia's carrying. "You can have some to tide you over until we can eat," she offers with a smile and Veronica eagerly accepts, looking at her best friend's mother like she's a savour sent from above.

"Sandwiches are life savers," Veronica hums happily, settling on the upper level of the double decker bus with Logan next to her. She admits, it is easier to take the bus but hunger takes precedence over everything else and Veronica's never been more grateful for Mrs Fennel.

Logan chuckles, nodding his head and stares at her adoringly. Yesterday while surfing he'd come to many revelations; one being that he's gonna show Veronica just how real they are. He's come to understand her a lot in their short time together and knows he can't lay out his feelings to her just yet.

She'd been firm in the fact that she doesn't want to date him and doesn't like him but he feels like that's changed - they've changed - in the sense that she does care about him, has fun with him, can be honest with him and maybe all these feelings were always there buried underneath the spells of her letter. And now he's opened the letter - broken the spell - he's seen her bared feelings and he wants to open her heart and see what's in there now.

She's been hurt, she has trust issues and she'd rather leave before she's left. She has all these pre-determined notions in her head and he's hoping he can deconstruct each one and in time she'll come to see him as he sees her.

So he's doing his best, showing her he likes her, showing her she can trust him and showing her that he's there - that he's going to be there. And he can see that she's doing the same even if she doesn't realize it yet.

“Ronica," Heather says, bright eyed as she turns from her seat in front of them. "Make sure to take out some good koala-ty pictures,” she giggles and nudges Darrell, who's looking excitedly at said Koalas and giggles along with her.

“Don’t worry, she’s got the koalafications,” Logan winks, instantly joining in before Veronica can make a snarky remark.

"And if she's underkoalafied, we just have to bear with it," Darrell outright laughs along with Heather, the two thoroughly enjoying themselves the moment they stepped out of their houses.

"So glad I could be of amoosement to you," Veronica remarks, straight-faced and seemingly exasperated. The kids giggle wildly and Logan chuckles, happy that she's not really upset and Veronica obligingly snaps shots of the Koalas hugging the trees and eating leaves.

"Guess what," Wallace leans forward in his seat, his head popping between Logan and Veronica, startling the couple.

"You've finally found where they're stashing the unicorns?" Veronica pipes, hope springing in her eyes.

"It's better than unicorns, Vee," he grins widely, suddenly full of energy unlike his earlier slumberly state.

"Damn, man," Logan chuckles. "You've got it bad."

"You would know," Wallace reproaches, nudging Logan with his shoulder from the back.

Logan peaks at Veronica and she shakes off his look. "Is this about Georgia?" She asks, brow arches, already knowing the answer.

He bobs his head. "She said she can meet me at the zoo. Isn't that great?"

"Ronica," Heather calls out once again. "Look," she says, pointing to an Orangutan swinging on the tree. "It's you!" She bursts out in giggles.

Veronica huffs. "Oh and look at that, you're right there next to me," she sticks out her tongue, unwilling to be defeated by her little sister.

"Who's the eleven year old, again?" Wallace chuckles, shaking his head.

"I'm eleven and a half," Heather points out, firm in the fact that she's not merely eleven anymore.

“Oh, hey, Heather, look it’s you,” Veronica smirks, gesturing to the Tasmanian Devil, a cheeky smug look on her face while Heather gasps.

“I happen to think it’s adorable,” Logan winks, earning Veronica a playfully triumph tongue out from Heather.

--vm--

Heather obsesses over getting a picture with everything. And more so, she obsesses over getting Logan and Veronica to take coupley pictures together whenever she sees coupley things. Like if two animals are being cute together or if there's statues that seem romantic - not that there are many - except maybe for this one particular statue. It's a statue of a sailor, dipping a nurse and kissing her full on the mouth.

Veronica hasn't denied her sister much but this is one of the things she simply cannot do and Heather whines, "C'mon, Ronica, it'll be so romantic! I mean you dragged Logan to the zoo and you can't even give him one kiss?"

Veronica gaps at her little sister. "You dragged Logan to the zoo and I'm not gonna kiss Logan like that here with dad right there! I'm not insane."

Heather concedes the point but she's not happy with it. "Urg, fine, but I still want a picture of you two with the statue. I need proof to send Meg that you actually have a boyfriend."

Veronica sighs, she's been meaning to tell Meg about Logan's new role in her life and now that everyone but Meg knows, she really doesn't have much of a choice.

She's standing next to Logan, their fingers laced with a camera ready smile in front of the statue as Heather snaps a picture and shakes her head, asking them to try another pose.

It takes three more tries before Heather is satisfied with one where they're gazing into each others eyes.

She leaves them be and turns to her father, begging him to let her take one out with him and Alicia.

Keith chokes back a cough while Alicia chuckles, accepting the request. Veronica's just glad that Heather didn't demand they kiss in front of the statue like she'd done with her and Logan.

--vm--

“I am a koalafied match-maker,” Heather brags, puffing out her chest and twirling around like the power of love has given her unreserved energy even though it's the end of the day and everyone else is exhausted.

“Oh, are you now?” Veronica arches her brow, she's holding Logan's hand and they're walking up a nearby park to set up a nice evening picnic. Alicia has prepared a variety of food and kept it in a warmer in the car along with a cooler filled with water and soda. They also have Veronica's homemade chocolate cake for dessert that Veronica's been coaxed into sharing with Logan. And Logan has somewhat been coaxed into getting ice cream for the two kids - three kids including Veronica.

"Mmmhmm," Heather hums, she's smiling wide, proud and again she's got that 'I know something you don't know' look on her face. "Just look at you and Logan.”

Veronica's hand tightens it's hold on Logan's. “Me and Logan?”

Heather notices the look on her sister's face and freezes, decidingly changing her mind from saying anything more because one, Veronica looks stricken and two, she doesn't know if Logan's supposed to know what she knows.

Veronica stares at her little sister, she's got a feeling that she needs to know what Heather knows so she lets go of Logan's hand and dashes after the now running girl. She feels an adrenaline rush hit her because it all makes sense if what she thinks is true, she just doesn't know why her sister would do that to her.

"Heather, get back here," she calls out, she's the star of the soccer team and she's beaten Heather many a times at racing so it's only a matter of time until she catches her.

Logan stays rooted in his spot, deep confusion spreading over his face as he watches the girls get further and further away, everyone else is setting up for their evening picnic and he wonders if he should leave them to it or catch up. The moment Veronica had tightened her grip on his hand, he'd felt the tension right to her fingertips.

Heather is hiding behind a tree, darting back and forth so Veronica can't grab her. "Okay, I was the one that sent out the letters," she admits, hoping her honesty gets her some mercy points with her sister.

“I’m gonna kill you, you little brat," Veronica lunges across and Heather darts away as quick as her small body allows.

“Oh, come on, Ronica, Logan’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you," Heather makes her plea. She can see the difference in sister's life; everyone in Veronica's life let her live in her comfort zone and Logan brought her out of it in a way that didn't seem all that uncomfortable and Heather figures that's a rare thing to have.

“Veronica," Logan calls out, jogging to the girls.

“You didn’t have to send out all five!" Veronica says as she thinks of how messed up everything has gotten with Duncan and how she's now keeping secrets from Meg.

Heather pouts, puppy eyes are out and her head tilts, just like she'd learned from Veronica and she slightly shrugs, “I thought five chances at a boyfriend were better odds.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Logan holds Veronica steady before she could once again dart to her sister and Heather quickly runs behind Logan. “What’s going on?”

“Veronica’s being totally irrational," Heather says, her adrenaline rush catching up to her.

“I’ll show you irrational," Veronica grunts, trying to move away from Logan but he wraps his arms around her and holds her tight against him with a soft but firm, hey - a hey that's reminding her that she's going attack mode on her eleven year old sister.

“She sent out the letters," she tells him, her anger slowly subsiding.

“Oh," he lets out a breath and loosens his hold on he see her face. "Well, you can forgive her since it worked out, right?” He gives her a pointed look.

“I just wanted you to be happy, Veronica," Heather softly admits.

Veronica sighs. “I wasn’t unhappy.”

“But you’re happier with Logan, right?” Heather peaks, still slightly behind Logan but now can visibly see her sister's facial reaction.

“Right," Veronica pats Heather's hair, softly, letting her know that she's forgiven. "But you owe me one."

Logan leans down to Heather when Veronica starts to to walk away, "Hey, kiddo, I owe you one," he winks and Heather brightens, all regret officially thrown out the window.

"You better not hurt her, Lo," Heather warns. "Especially not since you've got the Mars seal of approval."

He chuckles, rubs a hand over her head like Veronica had done. "I don't intend to," he softly says. "Thank you, Heather."

She bobs her head, smiles widely and drags him along to the picnic; she's glad she invited him.

[mydermadiary]

May 7th 2019

Well today I straight up forgot to take a morning picture! But here's one of me with my faaaavorite face scrub to make up for it. (And the bare faced one before bed)

Seriously tho, this stuff smells so so so good and feels very nice. I got it from Amazon but they have their own website with a bunch of fun looking products I would like to try. This one smells like super ripe strawberries, like real ones. Not artificial strawberry smell. I want to eat this stuff. And honestly, I have tasted it. Do not recommend 😅

Mood: not great. Woke up exhausted and cranky, got to work and couldnt stop from thinking "I cant believe I'm here and I have to do this all day. And again tomorrow. And the next day. And half of the next. And I cant believe I'm wasting my life like this" but y'know. Capitalism!

Food: ugh I bought light & fit protein yogurt smoothies with the intention of them being my breakfast but I'll drink one then go to Dunkin for my coffee and end up ordering food anyway. Today I felt particularly bad about it bc I wasnt even remotely hungry. Yet I ate more anyway. So one light & fit berry smoothie, egg white bowl from Dunkin for breakfast. Then lunch.. I packed and brought a salad. Which I then proceeded to not eat and instead drove to get popeyes 🤦‍♀️ I got a 2 pc fried chicken meal with green beans and a biscuit. Didn't eat the green beans tho. Yikes. Dinner was left over shredded buff chicken on a sandwich flat thingy. Too much food!!

I took an iron supplement this morning for the 2nd morning in the row as an addition to my daily gummy multivitamins I've been taking for at least a week or two now. (Theres no iron in the gummies, I checked.) I dont eat red meat anymore, I havent for over a year. September will be 2 years (wild) so I dont get a lot of iron in my diet and I bruise so easily. Idk maybe I'm anemic! But I also drink so much caffeine which can inhibit the absorption of certain vitamins so hurrr..

No exercise but thats kind of on the back burner. The vacation is soon and while a month is enough time to see results, I just dont realistically have the time and physical or emotional energy to commit to an exercise regime at this time while also trying to moderate my eating AND derma. Lets pick one hurdle at a time.

I didn't pick much but I peeled the dry skin off my healed over cheek spot, no blood or anything. I squeezed some black heads and some spots that weren't squeezable. But overall no damage done.

[applejarjar]

Sometimes you just got to sit on the floor and contemplate why you feel so tired and empty inside