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olderjodijournals · 3 months ago

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Tuesday, July 1, 1997

Is God getting to like me somewhat? Again he answered another little prayer of mine and again, I'm not sure if he had anything to do with it and nothing could increase my faith in him and make me believe he loved me like it would if he gave us a child, but anyway, I got the perfect time for my cavity appointment. I have a cavity on the back of the last molar on my right top side, right along the gum line that needs to be filled. While at the dentist, we made the appointment for the 8th at 1:30, but by then my schedule will be too far forward and it'd be very very hard to make this appointment. So, I prayed for an earlier one, knowing that that'd be perfect, but also knowing that that would be nearly impossible, but get this - I asked for the afternoon of the 3rd and someone was just on the other line when I called and they canceled for that day, so now I'm going in on the 3rd at 4:45. Perfect. I just hope it's perfect for Tom, too, but I don't see why it wouldn't be.

Wednesday, July 2, 1997

I just talked to both my dad and Larry. They both say they’re getting rain.

Dad said they’ve been going back and forth between the store and playing bingo. A new Arizona bingo lottery game just started, but we lost.

When I called Larry at work, I told the receptionist that I was his sister. Then a thought hit me - he’d want to know which one since he doesn’t want anything to do with Tammy. Sure enough, the lady came back on the line and asked which one. He still sounds kind of down, but not as down as he’s sounded in the past. He’s just working, as usual, and that’s it.

When I called Tom’s mom’s house yesterday, Evie answered and said that was really sweet of my parents to bring gifts for their kids and I gave her their address in case she wants to send a thank you note, as she mentioned.

No, I don’t think the fact that I haven’t heard that dog barking out front had anything to do with God, or else God would have taken care of those two dogs, too. I now believe it was a stray. A big, fierce-sounding dog wouldn’t suddenly shut up and mellow out and I thought it had sounded really, really close when I went outside to see if I could tell where it was coming from. That’s scary to think of now, cuz I realize that that huge thing really was no doubt on the street right by the house and it could’ve attacked me. I remember how loud and close it sounded and how it scared the shit out of me. Something told me I wasn’t safe there and to run back into the house. Well, I’m still glad I haven’t had to listen to it, anyway, so now the living room can remain peaceful. As I said, the summer isn’t bad for barking dogs around here. Since dogs are made to live in their owner’s yards only, all year round here, they cannot use their energy to bark when it’s really hot, or else they’ll get overheated. I’ve heard the old man’s dog a bit more at night, but that dog has never barked as much as the two dogs do in the winter.

Tomorrow I get that cavity filled and Tom said that tomorrow would be a little inconvenient for him, but we’ll work it out. Oh well. I tried.

I had a funny chat with Kim the other day. She was in two car accidents, not one. The first one, she got cement dumped on her in Springfield, cuz cement fell through an area that they were doing construction on. She was one of 10 cars to get dumped on and I guess she’ll get a settlement out of that. The other accident was her fault, but it was so funny, that I couldn’t help laughing. Even Tom was laughing about it, but I do feel bad for the poor girl. She must feel so embarrassed and guilty and she said she felt bad and guilty, too. Well, she rammed into her boyfriend! They were leaving from somewhere in their own cars when she got to daydreaming and plowing into him and she totaled her car. Now her insurance has to go up cuz of this. I told her that at least she hit someone who loves her and she was like, “No, no, no! I wish I hit a stranger.” Then, “No, I wish a stranger had hit me, cuz I hate being at fault.”

I was laughing at the part where she kept telling Walter when this happened, that she just couldn’t get close enough. Imagine ramming the one you love, though? Oh, I’d feel so guilty and embarrassed! Like a complete fool! It’s still so damn funny, though, even if I do feel terrible for her.

I also got a kick out of how the Northampton paper (where she rammed Walter), claimed she was treated for numerous injuries. All she really did, though, was bang a knee a bit, but she’s fine.

There are a couple of other things I wonder about Tom, although I may have mentioned this before. First of all, we screwed yesterday, he didn’t cum, then said he likes sex whether or not he cums. Yeah, I believe that and that’s rather unfortunate when you’re trying to make this baby you can never have.

Anyway, one of the things I wonder about is how blinded he’s become and if he can ever be “unblinded.” He still insists that he’s the one who knows the truth and that I don’t (about my getting pregnant and how that’ll happen without a doubt, as far as he’s concerned). I know that a person can be so set in their beliefs that they can’t see anything different if something’s changed. It’s like with Tammy, for example. She’s so set in her belief that I can’t sing, then when I really couldn’t sing well, then became a better singer, she could never see that cuz she just never wanted to. If Tom would cum every day for years, would he then still be set in his belief that I was OK? Or would he be able to see reality? I had asked him if he thought I’d ever have the guts to be able to walk into a fertility clinic and set aside my this-isn’t-fair attitude and my beliefs that God would just take away anything a doctor put in there. He said he couldn’t answer that, cuz in his mind, there’s no doubt about the fact that I’m fine and will conceive.

I also wonder if deep down he’s afraid to find out I’m right and is afraid to have to deal with that, so maybe that’s why he’s not cumming regularly? Is he stalling for time on finding out who’s really right out of fear?

Saturday, July 5, 1997

I just thought I’d do some updating before I read some more of the two library books I’m gonna be reading.

On the 3rd I got my cavity filled and it was no problem. The drill sure was quite an obnoxious vibration, but it didn’t last long at all.

I also spoke to Bob that day, since I usually tell him to call me about twice a year. Nothing new on his end, but the chat was pleasant enough.

A few days ago, I rearranged some stuff around here and got rid of old towels that were shredding up. I also frequently rearrange Teddy Bear’s tubes. Especially since he sleeps in them and pisses in them so much.

Speaking of Teddy Bear, he’s really warmed up to me and a few times I’ve had him running around on the living room couch.

Our toaster broke, so Tom picked us up a new one that’s quite nice.

He saw something promising on TV last night. It’s this thing where you use two twin mattresses and you put them side by side to make a double, queen or king-size bed and each one has an air compartment on the top of it so that each person can make them as firm or as soft as they want. And also, if one person moves, the other shouldn’t feel it. Hopefully, this will be cheaper than that other mattress we saw and will hit the stores soon enough and not be a scam. In November, he’ll be getting a $500 bonus from his job and so maybe we can use this to get some kind of bed that’ll suit us both. I’m really sick of having the two beds side by side and not being able to just walk right up to the side of my bed. Also, waterbeds really can be a pain in the ass.

Unfortunately, Tom’s mom found out she has skin cancer on her face, but luckily, it’s a highly treatable thing, so in a few days she’ll be seeing a doctor and they’ll discuss what would be the best way for her to deal with it.

Last night I saw some really pretty fireworks out back. They weren’t too far off in the distance and unfortunately, I missed the grand finale.

Today was a pleasant day. I got up around noon, then he came in a few hours later. We swam together and we screwed and he got off, too. That was nice, cuz I didn’t know what would be the scoop with that, but it appears he’s back to the cumming about every two weeks. That’s better than nothing.

Later...

I feel like I’ve forgotten to mention other stuff, but anyway, the asshole hasn’t been next door this weekend. Not so far, anyway, and if he isn’t there at the start of the weekend, say by a Thursday or Friday night, then he’s probably not gonna be around at all.

Well, if I were OK, I definitely stand no chance of getting pregnant this month. That’s cuz he just came a few days too soon and cuz he can’t cum just a few days apart from each other. He can’t really cum any sooner than about 12 days apart. Or won’t cum more than 12 days apart. Whichever. So, my point is that cuz he won’t cum on the 7th - 9th, I haven’t got a chance in hell. If only God could decide it was that meant to be. Cuz if God really wanted to, he could line things up and make sure that during one of the rare occurrences where he came, there was an egg waiting for it. I’ve prayed to God for help, due to the fact that we’ve got a 1 in about a hundred thousand chances of hitting it and cuz he’s supposed to help those that help themselves, but he still doesn’t seem to care or the least bit interested in helping us. He doesn’t hear a word I say. Well, he hears me, but he doesn’t listen to me. Like I said, if he hasn’t by now, he never will. God wouldn’t have had us childless for this long without a reason and obviously this is just how it’s meant to be, just like I always told Tom.

Did I mention that all the cactuses we planted died? Well, they did, so we’ll have to try again someday.

I finished proofreading the Norwich file, so now it’s onto the Vista. I love how I said that Andy took me to see Squaw Pee Mountain when it’s really Squaw Peak Mountain.

I wonder what’s up with Marla. I haven’t heard from her since AOL crashed on her when she was trying to mail me that enormous email.

Sunday, July 6, 1997

Right after my last entry, it came in next door. The music was at a fine volume and there was very little bass too, so no big deal at all. Then, to my surprise, it just left. Without a note of music. That’s weird, though, cuz he usually stays all night when he comes in that late. Well, he certainly didn’t come over to see the kid, unless they got that kid on some weird schedule, so I’m sure he just came over for a good screw. His scheduling makes sense, though. It’s usually every 3 weeks that he’s here. Sometimes 2, but mostly 3, so that’s it for a while.

Tom finally got around to checking my tape deck out like I’ve been wanting him to for a while now. He just had to make me wait on that like he loves to do, though. I haven’t taped anything yet, but he says the adjustments he made, have made it a little better. So, hopefully the music recorded will be less muffled.

I’ve also given up waiting on him to make that special box with the light he was gonna use to scan copies of my drawings that can actually be seen. Another thing he’s all talk about and isn’t gonna do and if he does do this, how many more months, or even years will it take for him to do it? He’s just not that serious or eager about it and so, I’ve decided for once and for all that I’m gonna get my drawings photocopied. We’ll be tight for about a month, but then there’ll be money for that and other things.

Monday, July 7, 1997

I can only imagine what my next letter from Bob will entail. On the phone, he had said that if he wrote something that pissed me off, he didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time.

Oh, so what is this? An excuse to write whatever he wants?

Anyway, we may screw later on and of course Tom’s subconscious (and probably a bit of his conscious side), will prevent him from cumming and God will be right there to help him make sure of that. Well, like I said, there is a lot of good to his not cumming at the right time. No having such a rough PMS and period when reality’s slapped further into my face. If he were to cum every time it was the right time, I’d just be worse off emotionally every time that period came that a fertile woman isn’t supposed to get.

There are another one of God’s “ways” that I just don’t get (do any of us get his ways?). You’d think that his setting up Linda to not be able to conceive was a sign saying a child wasn’t meant to be for her, yet it was. It was through in-vitro. What doesn’t make sense is why God would want to make a woman who wants a child and who’d be a suitable mother have to work for and pay for a child. Why not sterilize those who don’t want them and who shouldn’t have them even if they did? So, that makes me wonder if God had a beef with her of some kind and he knew that yes, she could and would have a child, but cuz of his grudge against her, he was gonna make her wait several years, then work her ass off and pay for it. However, I know this isn’t the case with me. I know that a doctor can’t help me and that it’s not meant to be, period. I can’t “see” us ever going to a doctor cuz I don’t see how I could ever muster up the guts to go and I can’t see my husband ever admitting that there’s something wrong with me. He wouldn’t admit that in a million years, even if he came like hell all the time, cuz he just doesn’t want to deal with that, even though he says differently. Linda’s husband had to have wanted kids more than Tom does. So, since it’s very obvious I’m in a no-win situation and am hopelessly sterile, why does God have to add the sexual problems I’ve had with different people in different ways? Why not at least leave all alone and well and good in bed? Why does he and Tom both, feel such a need for him to cum only every other week? I know I can’t get pregnant, God knows that so why can’t Tom have a normal sex life? And when I say that - I mean, why can’t he cum the usual amount that your typical guy cums? God couldn’t have made sure (along with Tom’s other reasons for being the way he is) that Tom would only cum occasionally to keep us from missing it, cuz there’s nothing to miss. I don’t even know why I bothered to fear a miscarriage when I know for sure that no matter what time of month he came I’d still get my period. There’s nothing Tom, a doctor, or I can do to stop that. It’s inevitable fate that I get every single period due to me till they stop for good.

The piece of trash came in again last night but then left a short time later. Once again, he’s been a good boy. Not one note of music was heard.

Another good thing about never being able to get pregnant is that if I did get pregnant, my old wishes would just change to new ones. In other words, I’d simply go from wishing I could conceive to wishing I could have it naturally and have it be OK, too. Now, there’s no way God would ever give me one of those wishes, let alone all of them. So, I guess that in a sense, it’s better to have the same wish that can never come true, rather than wish for one thing after another that I could never have. What would be the point of changing wishes? I mean, if you’ve got 10 wishes that can’t come true, what’s the point in rotating between all these wishes? Might as well just keep the same one.

Tom’s still asleep and he had mentioned screwing at around 8:30 - 9:00 when the house cools down a bit, but if he’s still asleep by then, I’ll just let him sleep. After all, I’m not overly horny now and he’s not gonna be able to get off himself, so it may be best to let the guy sleep, rather than wake him up so we can screw and not get any real relief from it. Don’t get me wrong. Screwing is still fun, anyway, and I only cum about 95% of the time, but he probably needs sleep more than sex, if he hasn’t woken up on his own by then.

No more mild Arizona summer. It’s extremely hot like it should be. The pool water is like bathwater.

Tuesday, July 8, 1997

That stupid, stupid, lying little fuck!!! Aaaarrrrrgggggghhh! How dare he pull this shit on me yet again, then lie to my face as if I were some naïve sucker?!?! Yes, it’s Tom and God and their usual shit.

Tom slept for 11 hours. Something he hasn’t done in eons. I told him that since the house was cool and since he was so well-rested, he shouldn’t have any excuses for having sex. Of course, deep down I knew better and could sense the fear and apprehension he was under about that, cuz he thinks I’m fertile and he knew I was in the conception range.

Then I prayed to God and some God he is, alright! Yeah, look where that’s gotten me. And look just how helpful God is to those who help themselves. God did just what I knew he’d do and so did Tom.

I’m so sick of Tom and God’s shit and how they have to play with my head and control my life! I may be sterile, but God sure wants to act like I’m not. I mean, I’m sterile, yet he plays things out in a way that suggests I’m not sterile and therefore, he has to make sure we miss it. Why is God so into making us miss something we could never hit in the first place? I’m sterile, God. OK? You fucking sterilized me, you bastard, I know you’ll never help me help myself, I know you’ll never allow me a child, so why can’t you leave us to at least a peaceful, normal and full-time sex life without the bullshit?! And why can’t you get Tom to see I’m sterile, so he’ll stop his bullshit, or does Tom really just get such a kick out of teasing me, lying to me and just totally jerking me around sexually? Is it really so much fun for him? And does God see me having sex with anyone, male or female, such a sin that this is why he’s hexed my sex life with all the people I’ve had sex with? Is this God’s punishment for my being human and having normal and natural desires, goals and dreams?

When Tom was ready to screw I said, “I’m gonna have my other kind of fun tonight” which I’ll explain later.

Then, sure enough, we went to screw and he was quite soft and he kept resisting and pulling away and it was so damn obvious that he didn’t want to have sex at all. Not at all! He was so fucking terrified, I could smell it. And then when I asked him if he was OK and commented on how he didn’t seem in the mood, what did the chicken shit liar do? Same thing he always does - he turned it on me and said that I always say that when I’m not in the mood. That’s bull and if I wasn’t in the mood, I’d say so.

Then he said he thought we should get up, right as I was about to suggest that, but man oh man was I so fucking pissed and hurt!!! I’m sooooooooo fucking tired of this shit and of his and God’s fucking games.

I called him a fucking asshole, which I admit was wrong and not helpful, then I told him, “Hey, you knew I was close to being mid-cycle, you got cold feet and got scared off, so admit it. Don’t turn it all on me, cuz if I was the one who wasn’t in the mood or who was scared, I’d have said so.”

When the fuck is this guy ever gonna come out and admit that he just doesn’t want to be a father?! I told him yet again, I know he doesn’t want to be a father, I know he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother (and I’m inclined to agree), but instead of telling me what I want to hear - tell me the truth! I told him I wouldn’t force him into being a father, I wouldn’t leave him or beat him up or love him any less if he’d just admit to this.

Anyway, I know I’m sterile and that we on our own couldn’t produce a child and that no doctor could produce one for us, but he obviously does think I could conceive, or else he wouldn’t be so fearful of screwing around these times like he often is. It isn’t always the case, but it usually is. I know that together, he and God have other reasons for this shit with his games, lies and not cumming much, but I’m just talking about the part about his not wanting a child.

I told him I knew that it wasn’t like he’d be a bad dad or would leave us if we had had a kid, but that since I knew that he believed I was fertile, I’d do nothing from now on to put him in a position where he’s uncomfortable or fearful in any way. I told him - we will not see a doctor and we will not screw when I’m around that time. I don’t think I could if he said he wanted to, anyway. Cuz then all I’d do would be to feel bad for him, knowing he was doing something he really didn’t want to do.

Then the asshole pins it on me again with a response saying that as soon as I said that I was gonna have a different kind of fun, he should have foreseen problems and backed off, so that was his only true fault. Oh, bullshit! I’ve said that before (that means I was just gonna relax and let him do the work without taking care of myself in the midst of it) and we’ve had no problems. Yet he says that 99% of the time my saying that causes problems cuz when I say that that means I’m gonna resist and do something screwy like change angels, etc. That’s fucking bullshit! All that is is his pinning the blame on me to cover for his true feelings and intentions. He used that as an excuse to get out of screwing so he didn’t have to face me and say, “I don’t want to screw now, cuz I’m afraid it may make a baby that I don’t particularly want,” or “I just don’t feel like screwing tonight.”

I have done everything I can do to allow myself to get pregnant and to help myself get pregnant, even though I can’t, and if I were OK, the reason why we’ll never have a child is cuz of him and God. Not me.

So I’ve decided to not screw at mid-cycle and to never go to a doctor for sure and that’ll make God real damn proud of me and Tom breathe a whole hell of a lot easier. And then it’ll always be just Tom and I cuz I don’t want a kid if he doesn’t. And when I say that, I mean I won’t do anything more to try to fight fate, which is virtually impossible to do, anyway, and those that do fight fate and win, which is very seldom, have to pay dearly for it. So, this baby thing will just be the dream it’s always been and the dream it will always be, just like it was meant to be. There are dreams, and then there’s reality.

If Tom’s not gonna come out and admit that he doesn’t want a child and do more things than he already has to make sure he doesn’t have a child, then I will. All 3 of us will. Tom, God and I together. So, if he pulls this shit when it’s safe, he’s gonna have to pull it for some other reason, even if it’s just to tease me further and play the games he just loves to play.

And fuck talking to a God who doesn’t give a shit and who will never help us anyway!

I’m sick of Tom telling me he wants this kid he doesn’t want, but I know the truth, so I’ll act on this truth and protect us from this baby that could never happen anyway. I’m also sick of Tom not being able to say no to favors I ask of him. Instead, he says yes to please me, then bitches that I give him too many projects and tells me I nag him about stuff he’s said he’d do but doesn’t do. I asked him to fix a videotape a long time ago. He said he would fix it and that it’d only take a few minutes to do it. I’ve reminded him about it periodically, but he hasn’t fixed it. Well, he obviously never wanted to and I wish to hell that he’d not only admit that he doesn’t want a child, but that he’d say no to stuff he doesn’t want to fix or do around here.

Tom also had the nerve to say that I use any excuse I can to lay into him and that I’m the one who’s scared and making sure we don’t have sex at certain times. Of course, that’s bullshit, too, cuz if I really just wanted to let him have it, I wouldn’t need no excuses. Also, I am not afraid. He is the one afraid of a child. Yes, I have the usual fears and doubts that anyone would who’s never gotten pregnant or had a child before, but I haven’t been letting that stop us. He and God have, though.

Later...

I am pretty depressed right now. I was quite bitter and not in the mood to see Tom when I got up, but thankfully, he crashed shortly after. I won’t be waking him up till 10:30, so he’ll only be here an hour and I’ll be in the other room reading or listening to music. I am just so hurt and pissed off and both Tom and God for controlling my life and my mind and my body like they were some kind of toy. I am not a toy!

Thursday, July 10, 1997

Tom and I have done a lot of talking since I last wrote. So much talking, that I don’t know where to begin. I can start, though, by saying that I’m still not convinced he’s not lying and then pinning the problem on me to cover his ass for being too chicken himself to tell me what’s really going through his mind.

He keeps telling me he knows we disagree about what happened a few nights ago and that’s OK, cuz you can’t always agree on everything. He still insists it was me who shifted angels. I’m sorry, but I did nothing wrong. Not intentionally and not unintentionally. I’ve thought about it a million times and I still know for a fact that he was right on the money. I can tell when the angle’s off and it wasn’t. It was he who wilted away, wasn’t in the mood, and put up the resistance.

Andy told me he read that the main reason for someone not being able to cum very easily is cuz of fear of failure in bed. Well, that’s certainly not the case with Tom.

Speaking of reading, he said he wanted one of us to go through my journals, cuz he knew I wrote that I’d be happy and want nothing else if he’d just cum. How could I have said that? His cumming was never the number 1 thing as far as I was ever concerned. There were and are and will be things of greater importance to me than that. Such as having a kid was and of course, you can’t have that without the guy cumming.

So, I think either he misunderstood me or I used a poor choice of words if he thought I said that that was the one and only thing to make me happy. That was only one of the few things I felt would make me happy. Or at least happier.

Then he says that maybe I’m calling him a liar to cover up for my own lies. He said this after he embarrassed the fuck out of me by going through my journals. I just didn’t see any way to tell him I’d go through them myself. He said we could go through them with him there, but what would be the point of that? He’d still see my writing which I still don’t think is all that great and which I’m still very shy about sharing. He says I deceived him by telling Kim, Andy and Dr. Rugg about our sex problems. But he knew this. He knew this a long time ago and he always told me to use my best judgment as far as who I say what to and I agreed. We both did.

Anyway, he didn’t find it, cuz I just can’t see why I’d write that or say that, but I’m sure that I said it was very important to me. Not the most important thing and not my only dream or goal in life.

Why does he swear I’ve said things I don’t remember saying and that I wouldn’t say? And why does he swear he didn’t say things that I know he has said?

I told him I suspect more and more that the source of my sterility is cuz of not ovulating. We all know you can get periods and not ovulate, just like you can get pregnant, but not have periods. I told him that a woman’s body temp is supposed to be slightly elevated at mid-cycle and stay that way till she gets her period. Well, there have been times I’ve taken my temp at these times to find it lower. He said I can’t get an accurate record of my temperature cuz of how I take my temps at the wrong time. He said your temp is the most accurate when you first wake up and it’s also important to do it at the same time of day every day for accuracy, cuz air temperatures in houses fluctuate from say, 7 AM-2 PM. Well, maybe he has a point.

It’s still awfully hard to believe I could be fertile when no evidence has ever suggested that I am. Evidence has suggested, though, that I’m not. Seeing is believing for me, usually.

He still swears also, after reminding me that I swore he’d never cum in the first place, that he will cum more if he screws more, that everyone has setbacks, that we’ve progressed and gotten through these setbacks, that we can move on and progress even more and that he doesn’t think you can have a happy marriage without sex. Oh really? I thought he had said that he felt that sex was just a little tiny part of it and that what went on out of bed was where it counted and mattered most. See, I feel like he’s saying this just to get me to go back into this multi-year cycle with him again so he can jerk me around.

He keeps saying he hates being called a liar and that he’s not lying, but what else can I think or believe? It’s virtually impossible to give him the benefit of the doubt when I’ve never seen him put his actions where his mouth is. When he came like he said he would, then I believed him when he said he could cum. I believed it when I saw it and that’s what it’ll take for me to believe he’ll cum more and that he really wants this kid that much.

When I asked him why he didn’t blame me for the way we were in bed, then why he implied that it was my urgency that made him falter, he said that I am who I am, and since I can’t help that and am not deliberately at fault of anything, then I can’t be blamed. No, I certainly wouldn’t deliberately fuck up our sex, but then he goes on to say we can work around it. Then why haven’t we?

If our sexual problems are truly all my fault (and I’m not saying that some of them aren’t), then if I haven’t gotten the hang of how to fix my faults, I guess I never can or will.

My heart says she wants to have a normal, happy, full-time sex life with the man she loves and have a baby with him. My head says that that’s not reality, sex is the main source of our problems and fights, so break the cycle by eliminating the source of the problem - sex. That’s the problem. I always have to want something I can’t have.

Sex is like booze and I’m like the alcoholic. It’s addicting. It’s so easy to keep on the roller coaster and keep this hurtful, destructive cycle going. And I also feel like he, too, is pushing me into sex. Whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it’s for good reasons or not, I’m afraid that if I quit the sex with him (even though he said he’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do), he’ll leave me or fall out of love with me. He even said that I was heading towards having him fall out of love with me. He said you can’t make someone love you, but you can make someone not love you, and that’s where I was heading. Now I don’t even know if I can believe he loves me when he tells me so. I know he did love me. But does he really and truly still love me? Or is he just saying so?

I just wish I could see inside him like we can look into our own selves and see what was really there.

Friday, July 11, 1997

I’m kind of bored right now, but I thought I’d drop in to say hello to my journal.

There are different things I could be doing now, but I can’t decide on which to do. I did some reading and now I could listen to music, sing, proofread, cruise the web, or try to see if I can wash old coffee stains off of my dog/cat mugs with vinegar. I think I’ll hit the web first and see what other games and tilesets I can find.

Later...

Wow! The vinegar Tom suggested I use to clean the mugs really worked! The stains disappeared like magic and now they look brand spanking new.

I also forgot to mention that when I got up yesterday, I got up at 103 lbs. That’s the lowest I’ve been in nearly a year. Still, my metabolism needs more speeding up. Especially since I went to bed at 106 lbs. that day. I shouldn’t be more than a pound heavier at the end of my day.

Later...

I don’t want to do it. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have sex with him and I can’t imagine not being extremely self-conscious in bed from here on out. Not after he accused me of having my angle off, even when I knew it wasn’t. If I had really had my angle off, that’d be different, but now I’m gonna be like - am I lined up right? Or am I gonna hear afterward that I deliberately screwed up the angle and so he wilted away? And besides, if my angle had really been a problem, why didn’t he just say so? Why didn’t he just have me move, or move himself, then continue on?

I just don’t want to continue with these fights over sex that we seem to have at least every other week and deal with the anger and depression that goes with it. But I feel trapped and like I have no choice, but to let him keep on playing with me for fear that he’ll be unhappy and even think about us splitting.

He says he’s not lying and not deliberately trying to prevent himself from cumming more or from me getting pregnant. Then why oh why do I feel like he’s trying to ensure we keep up with the sex so he can fuck with my head and play games and tell lies? Anyone can be so much of a smooth and bold liar and accuse someone else of messing up sex, while it’s really them that’s messing it up, cuz they don’t want to admit their fears/reasons. I’ve tried to comply with his wishes and see things his way and give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve looked for reasons to believe him, but I can’t find them. I’m grasping at straws in my mind and all I can see are the many reasons I’ve written about before, that are causing him to intentionally and knowingly do what he’s done. He knows I can’t literally prove him guilty like I could if he were guilty of an affair and I had pictures of him screwing someone, so he knows that all he has to do is pin the blame on me. Then butter me up by saying it’s not my fault cuz it’s just the way I am and I can’t help it, so he can get me back into the sack so he can do this yet again, for the millionth time.

I don’t want to fall into this trap again and this angering, depressing and frustrating cycle, but how do I get out of it? He’d just put a guilt trip on me, so what do I do? Now I not only feel like there’s no way to solve our sex problems, but I feel there’s no way out of it, either. We can’t quit, but we can’t do it right, either.

In the midst of my desire to have a child, I’m having more and more doubts about just how much I really want that and the troubles and responsibilities it brings. Even if I could handle it, which I still can’t imagine, is it really worth it? I’m still so afraid of what it’d do to us as a couple and how it’d make me feel. I mean, my life as I always knew it would be over and I don’t truly know if that’d be a good thing and in a good way. All our time and money would go to the baby. There’d be no life for us as individuals to indulge in hobbies, or to indulge in each other. I can only imagine just how many fights we’d have concerning the rearing of it, too.

Then there’s still the lack of sleep and what it would do to my body. I know just how I’d look and how my asthma would be as well as my sanity and come on! They cry for hours at a time. Can I really handle that? Wouldn’t I just turn around and bash it as my mother did to me? I just don’t have the patience and the tolerance it takes to be a mother and I wonder more and more if I should be looking at my sterility as I look at my singing - a gift.

Maybe the right and the only thing to do, that would be best for me and for us as a couple, would be to concentrate on being more consistent with something I’ve suggested to myself before - look at my sterility and being able to dodge pregnancy each month as a blessing, as a game I love to play, that I’m great at, and am lucky to always win at, and remind myself constantly of all the good there is to never having a child.

Saturday, July 12, 1997

Tom brought home a fountain pen that Ma wanted me to have. I’m using it to finish out my paper journal.

A few hours ago, Tom brought Mary and Dave to the airport. They’ll be gone to New York for a week. We’ll only be feeding 3 hamsters and not 4, cuz one of theirs died.

Then tomorrow, Tom will be bringing his mom to the airport. She’s going to Steven and Carol’s for about two weeks.

Tomorrow, he’ll also be putting up a mural for Jackie and Jim, and then he mentioned doing some painting at his ma’s on Monday.

Hopefully, though, he’ll want to do something here on Sunday. Like maybe finish carpeting the bathroom.

Later...

Well, I’m still sure that quitting sex would be the best thing for us, but that would be only if Tom wouldn’t have a problem with it and I know he’d at least act like he would, so if we end up screwing again, I guess I should just deal with his games, lies and teasing and just keep my mouth shut. Opening my mouth and bitching about whatever he does to jerk sex off-kilter, won’t stop it from happening and all it does is cause fights. All he does is deny it, anyway.

Yes, I’d love to have a child, but I know that that’s not going to happen and that that’d be even worse for both of us, so why bitch about something that’d be bad for us when he pulls his stunts in bed? We wouldn’t be able to have a child even if he didn’t play games and even if he did cum regularly, so why not just let him have his fun his way, the way it’s always been? It’s like knowing how bad cigarettes are for me, as well as how a baby would ruin our lives. The only difference is, is that I know I’m gonna continue smoking those cigarettes. However, I’m not gonna get pregnant, so I guess there’s no point in my reacting to his shit. Deep down, that’s probably what he wants and likes, anyway, if I really am truly right with my beliefs of what’s gone on here for ages now.

His story changed a little bit, too. The last time he said that my urgency for a child has been what’s been holding him back from cumming more (which makes no sense, cuz it’d seem to me that if someone you loved really was anxious to have or to do something they really wanted, you’d push harder to see them get it) and that what happened that night was that I wasn’t in the mood, so subconsciously I botched the angle up. Today, though, he told me it’s not my urgency that’s held him back, it’s my actions. Meaning, how I reacted after his little stunt a few nights ago. Also, not only was I supposed to not be in the mood and subconsciously botch the angle, but now he tells me that I have such anger deep within my subconscious that I just had to look for a reason to be mad at him.

I told him yet again if I were really the type to want to go off on someone, just to go off on them and be mad at them, I wouldn’t bother with feeling the need for an excuse, I’d just let them have it. Also, I’m almost always in the mood, but if I’m not, I told him that’s no reason to deny him fun. I can just lay there and let him do the work.

I told him I wish we could ditch the side position altogether, but that wouldn’t do any good, cuz then he’d just go do something else. He’d find some other thing to use as an excuse to cover for his fears and to cover for the truth, all the while pinning it on me. And he tries pinning it on me in such a kind way, so to speak by saying I’m not responsible for just being the way I am and for it being a subconscious thing on my part and not something that I knowingly and intentionally set out to do. Please! I mean, his beliefs about me and what happened are so fucking off the wall, it’s pitiful! He may be a great con and one hell of a smooth bold liar, but he’s also a bad liar as well.

I’m gonna go take a coffee break now, then maybe I’ll listen to music or something. At 4:40 I’ll be watching a movie on HBO, but I’m not sure if I’ll really like it or not. I have to wake him up at 9 AM, then he’ll be gone from about 10 AM - 5 PM and I’ll be hitting the sack right around that time. I can’t say I’m not glad he won’t be around, cuz I just don’t want any more shit, so he can be off doing for others all he wants. As long as he does enough stuff around here and doesn’t procrastinate too much around here.

Another thing is, I know he’s not as serious as he claims to be about a full-time sexual relationship. I know our schedules don’t always match up and that things come up, but I’m not stupid either and I am 100% sure that even if we were compatible with each other in bed we’d still have full-time sex on a part-time basis. This is just not your typical male who thinks below the belt 99% of the time like 99% of the male population does.

He also told me that the reason for not fixing the tape is cuz he needs a special tape to tape its ends back together and that there wasn’t extra money for it. We could’ve made money for it, but he didn’t think it was a higher priority. He didn’t tell me he needed a special tape for it, but of course, he swears he did tell me.

Later...

I just did up a list of the tilesets I don’t like for Tom to delete if he wants to.

I’m doing some laundry now too, but I think I’ll wait for it to get light out before I dry it, so as not to let the bugs in.

Like I said, I’m gonna get me some coffee and I think I’ll read for a while. I’m reading Single White Female and it’s great.

Later...

I watched that movie and it was OK.

I did some reading and now I’m drying the two loads of laundry I’m doing.

Sunday, July 13, 1997

Well, Andy may be coming over in an hour or two. He’s gonna bring a tape with a song of Cheryl Crow’s that I want to tape and a journal for me. It was the journal that he wrote 6 pages in and I wrote about 8 pages in December and January of ’95-‘96. It’s not a great-looking journal, but since he’s decided he’s really never gonna use it (I figured as much), he says it ought to go to someone who will use it.

While Andy’s here, he’ll be browsing the Internet.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago. He says that tomorrow we can finish the bathroom and then Monday, we’ll stop by his ma’s house to take in her mail and paper, then we’ll go to the library. On Wednesday, we’ll feed the hamsters.

Later...

I just took a break to listen to music.

I discussed this with Tom who says that his wants haven’t changed, that neither has mine, but that I just don’t know what to do. Yes, I miss our fun and all that, but I’m still tired of the biweekly botches. He says that setbacks are a part of life and all we have to do is just keep moving on when they happen. Well, I agreed to not call him names, but this is hard to do when you feel your own husband (along with God) is controlling the bedroom scene and it’s hard not to get mad. He says voicing my opinion is fine and telling him that I think he’s lying is fine. He said it’s when I call him a fucking asshole and tell him he is a liar that he’s got a problem with.

So, since a baby can’t happen no matter what, I think I may as well just let him play his biweekly games and just deal with it. Just cuz I can’t be happy with our sex life and have a child doesn’t mean he can’t be happy and I want the one I love to have all the happiness I can possibly give him. Besides, I know the truth, he’s heard it a million times from me, so I may as well keep my mouth shut about it and take these constant setbacks that I don’t think are as normal as he says they are. I can’t imagine your average person having problems with sex this often.

Also, maybe somewhere down the line, God will have a change of heart and stop adding insult to injury and just leave us the fuck alone in bed. Maybe he’ll realize that sterility is enough of a punishment for me and that there’s no need to keep on picking at me by further controlling my body in other ways, as well as the sterility.

Maybe Tom will have a change of heart too, and either put his actions where his mouth is or admit to what he’s been doing and all the reasons why, too.

Whether or not he cums more, I doubt I’ll ever have the nerve to see a doctor. I mean, really. What’s he gonna do for us? Fight God and win? Fat chance!

Tammy and Dad mentioned Tammy and her family going to Florida this summer, but I guess not. I recently talked to Tammy and asked her when she’d be going and she said she wasn’t. I asked if she had a falling out with Mom and Dad, but she said she didn’t, so I guess their health matters, among other problems, are gonna prevent them from going this year.

I noticed by the caller ID box that my folks tried calling at 8:30 on Friday night, but I was asleep and Tom was bringing Mary and Dave to the airport. So yesterday morning I called and got their machine. I told them I saw they called, let them know what was going on, and told them to leave a message if they had anything important to tell, but I’m sure they were just calling to say hi.

Tom got a couple of awards from work. One for processing 19 million checks with no errors and another one, too.

Andy will be here in about half an hour. He just called. He’ll also be coming over sober. Amazing! That’s cool, though, cuz when he’s stoned, he can’t remember shit I say and he’s such a flake.

Later...

Soon I will be crashing, but I thought I’d write first and say that Tom finished carpeting the bathroom. It looks nice.

Andy was over for a few hours and he brought the journal and tape.

Why has the vitamin E failed to keep my tits from soreness this time around? For the last two months, I had virtually no soreness, but now, at a whole 10 days away from my period, they’re getting quite sore.

Perhaps I drank too much coffee? Perhaps it’s God cursing me? Or maybe my emotional state, which was pretty shitty for a few days, has taken a toll on me physically?

Anyway, I chickened out of sex today, but I’ll write about it later.

Monday, July 14, 1997

When Tom got up yesterday, he said he was ready for a new beginning, and of course I’m thinking to myself - Yeah, for a whole two weeks. Maybe even a month if we’re lucky.

Anyway, I figured we could have sex yesterday morning, but I just couldn’t get into the idea. I’m still too nervous about it and I told him that I wasn’t quite ready and needed another day or so. He said that that was no problem and of course, he seemed the least bit bummed out about it and if he wasn’t, then he’s really a truly damn good actor.

In my mind, it still comes down to the same thing - what’s a fantasy of mine, and what’s the reality here. We cannot have the normal, full-time, happy, mutual sex that results in a child. We can only have full-time sex on a part-time basis, with him only cumming every two weeks, and with him playing games once or twice a month that he denies playing, and certainly with no child resulting.

I’m just sick of this roller coaster. I want this cycle broken. I cannot buy his so-called desire for a “new beginning.” I cannot believe that things will change in bed, whether I scream and shout about it, or keep quiet. I cannot believe that he and God are not responsible for this. I cannot believe that he desires the same kind of sex as much as I do. I cannot believe that he desires a child as much as I do.

I feel trapped and full of mixed emotions. He said that as long as I don’t call him names, he’ll always love me. But if I deny him sex, I know he’ll initiate other problems or they’ll just happen on their own or by God. Things would be OK for a while, but in time, I would think that he’d make me feel guilty about it, or I would on my own. I really believe that his way of sex means as much to him as the kind of sex I wish we could have means to me. If I take away his source of games, it’ll make him unhappy. So all I can do is try to tell myself that in 2-4 weeks when we have one of our so-called “normal” setbacks, that it’s what he wants, and what God wants, it obviously makes them happy, it’s obviously fated to be, I can’t have a child anyway, so just deal with it, keep quiet about it and just give God and Tom what they want. What they really want.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have sex with him, but I just don’t see any way out of it without swapping one set of problems for another.

Anyway, sometime after I was up and showered, I cleaned the house and typed up some letters.

We will be going to the library today when it opens.

Did I mention that on Wednesday, we’ll be feeding the hamsters? I’ll also be stocking up on new markers that day, too.

Andy and Michelle left a message earlier. They say Michelle just “discovered” two months ago that she’s gay. Well, I don’t think this is something one just suddenly discovers about themselves. It’s either always there, or it’s not.

They wanted to know if I considered Michelle to be feminine, butchy, or in the middle. I’d say she’s in the middle, yet closer to feminine.

I’ve got to get out and de-duty the patio as soon as it gets a little lighter. I know the bird population has dwindled a bit, but it still gets a bit messy.

Later...

Jesus Christ! Now women are having babies in deodorant commercials. Everything on TV is having babies and you know, it really hurts. It really hurts to have what I can’t have thrown in my face. Everything on TV is babies, pregnancy (by children and adults), sex and violence.

I’m glad Little House was done in the 70s. They based stuff on life in the 1800s, cuz that’s when these people portrayed lived, but a lot of it was also based on life in the 70s. If it were being filmed today, there’d be some gay characters, which would be fine, but there’d also be pregnant teens galore, drugs galore, and someone would be giving birth on every show. Even Charlie’s Angels would be different. A lot like today’s crime shows. Instead of the cops chasing bank robbers and kidnappers, they’d be chasing baby killers and pregnant runaway teens, who were all doped up. This baby fetish that’s hit today’s commercials, shows, and movies shows absolutely no sensitivity or consideration for the sterile. Why should they, though? We only make up 5% - 10% of the population. It really wears on my nerves, though. I am sterile. And as a sterile woman, I don’t need to see these commercials while I eat popcorn and try to watch an old rerun of Little House.

Later...

Well, we just had a good screw and in half an hour we’ll be leaving for the library, then I shall return to read myself to sleep.

I wasn’t all nervous and feeling like the self-conscious freak I thought I’d feel like and it was great, cuz he slowly, but surely managed to start on top. I didn’t expect him to cum, but he enjoyed it too, and says it’ll take him a little while to get used to this arrangement. He says it’s cuz I keep lifting my feet, so he burns all his energy trying to get in there. Well, I’ll remember to lower my feet.

Tuesday, July 15, 1997

I'm currently in a semi-bummed-out mood right now. As usual, it's all about the baby I'll never have. Am I ever going to be free of this? All I know is that I'm really gonna feel like life is one big sentence if I don't get over these feelings. The thought of spending decades feeling this child missing from my life is both saddening and scary. I got a letter from Bob yesterday. He says that if God really loves me like the bible says, he will let me get pregnant, but there is no God that loves me. Absolutely no loving God up there for me and you know what I think of most of the bible - hogwash! Filled with tall tales that no one can prove.

Wednesday, July 16, 1997

Kim sent me a quick note yesterday to tell me she got her car fixed and about $1,900 for damages due to the cement dumping. She also sent some jokes and some of them are pretty funny. I guess some friend of hers at work gave her a copy, then she made copies and sent them off. I don’t know if she’d send Bob copies, so since I’ve got them typed up, I’ll send the originals to Bob. I sent copies to Tammy, Larry and my folks and printed out a copy that’d fit into journal 98 where I have jokes written. I’ll have a copy of them in this journal’s typed version, too.

I forgot to mention that when Andy was here, he noticed the weight loss too, right away. Even though it’s only a few pounds, that’s the advantage of being short. It shows when you lose just a few pounds, but I’d still like to drop below 104.

Sometime this morning, we’ll be going to feed the hamsters, but not to get markers, since Tom picked me up some nice ones yesterday. I drew up one of my desert labels in my sketchbook already.

Yesterday was a sucky day, but finally, it was in a better kind of way, rather than either us fighting, us having some pretty fucked up sex or me being upset over God’s hatred for me and for denying me a child. Well, it was deathly hot at about 112º. This idiot here went and made a baked potato at around 11 AM and that didn’t help the situation. It was near 80º in here for hours as it was too late to cool it down further in here for the worst of the afternoon. I couldn’t even go in the pool, either, to cool off cuz it was as green as the grass. I had to wash myself down with a cool, damp washcloth. Yesterday, though, Tom put algaecide in it and shocked it, and threw in some chlorine, so after I get back from taking care of the hamsters, it’ll be a great time to swim. It’ll be just about at the hottest part of the day and the bees should be keeping cool in their hives and not out to bother me.

I spoke to my parents yesterday and was glad to hear that Larry and everyone went to the Cape. They need a break.

Also, Max, their dog, tore a tendon in his leg and had surgery but is recovering well.

Thursday, July 17, 1997

When we came back from Mary and Dave’s yesterday, I saw that their security door next door was wide open as if maybe they were moving something large, then I noticed his car deep in the carport. At least I think it was his car. When I saw this at 11:30 in the morning, I realized with dismay that this could mean he was moving back in. And also, that he had to have been there overnight, and for him to be there two weeknights in a row, well, it hasn’t been his usual pattern for quite some time.

Later in the afternoon, I peeked through the blinds in the back room’s alcove and saw him walking from the carport to the backyard. Then later I heard metal sounds scraping. Tom heard it too, when he got up in the early evening and he went out back and saw a U-Haul.

Tom thinks someone’s moving out and that it’s got to be her, since we never saw or heard him move furniture out last fall and there certainly wasn’t a U-Haul then, either. Not that this doesn’t mean they didn’t buy a couch and a loveseat, or some huge thing, but this is the same U-Haul I saw there right before and around the time they moved in. Our theory at the time we saw the U-Haul in early ‘96 was that the driver noticed the place was vacant and used it just to park there to take breaks, but that makes no sense, so if that U-Haul wasn’t freeloader-connected, who knows what it was really doing there?

Well, from what I can see, the grill they had over there, as well as this little metal chair, is gone, but if she’s moving, then why isn’t there a For Sale or For Rent sign?

Anyway, I got up at 4 AM and saw the U-Haul still there. His car is gone, though. I guess that since she obviously doesn’t drive, he drove his car to the U-Haul lot, left his car there, and then drove the U-Haul here.

I just called and left Andy a message, telling him that if they are moving, then I want to sabotage the fuck out of that basketball hoop whenever the hell that place is noticeably vacant. I told him that they’re not home most of the time and that the mini lock that wouldn’t quite lock the thick metal net, has deterred the neighborhood kids, but if it’s there (and I’m not sure it still is) when the new kids get here, all they have to do is have mommy or daddy untangle it. If I had a lock big enough to lock it, it’d take metal cutters to get it off and hopefully no one would want to bother. So, I told Andy I didn’t know where my locks were and that if I asked Tom for them, he’d know what I was up to, and get all paranoid. You know my husband’s far from a prankster or anyone who’d destroy property that wasn’t his own. So, I asked Andy if he could please buy me a lock and forget about buying me anything for my birthday. We’ll see what he has to say about it, but he knows to keep it between us. Yes, Tom would still love me and he could live with knowing if I locked up the hoop, but why tell him and disappoint him and worry him? What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Anyway, if they are moving, I certainly have mixed emotions about it. I mean, hopefully, and I repeat, hopefully, I would no longer have to worry about the potential of someone basing in since more people have kids and dogs, but there’s no way - no way - I’m gonna luck out again on that one. If new bass blasters don’t move in, I’ll get a pack of Mormons with lots of screaming kids and a dog or two barking like hell. Although, after the M’s dog settled in, it wasn’t too bad. No dog is as bad as the two on the other side of them and I wish to hell they’d move, but fat chance. If they’ve been here since we’ve been here, then they aren’t going anywhere. Not for a long long time. I’d think that if they moved, it’d be around or after we moved and each year we’re here, it seems further away till when we move. I used to think we’d be here till just after the turn of the century, but I doubt that. I think we’ve got another 8-15 years or so here, so it’s too bad dogs usually live 15-17 years. However, if these dogs croaked right now, they’d just replace them with the same kinds of dogs that almost never shut up. All people out here want to do is store their dogs out in their yards all year round like old furniture, but these two dogs are obviously guard dogs, trained to bark at the slightest noise. If they could hear a pin drop in this house, that’d set them off. These aren’t just backyard pets and if someone scaled their fence, I guarantee you those dogs would rip their throats out.

Anyway, it fits. If they’re moving, the timing fits. I swear, no one has lived next door for more than two years and I’m sure we’ll have several different people there while we’re still here. It’ll probably turn over 5-7 more times while we’re here.

Oddly enough, after the M’s split the gate that divides the backyard and carport was taken down. You’d hope that that’d deter people coming in with dogs since most people do have dogs, but I don’t know about that. All they’d have to do is leash it down or put up a gate, cuz if you think the dog would ever step foot inside that house, think again. Dogs live outside here. The new people, if there really are gonna be new people, will take the dog(s) straight to the backyard, tie it to that tree back there, and then probably put up a gate. Meanwhile, the kids will live outdoors too, and will only be gone from the yards during school hours and at night while they’re asleep. And that’s only if they’re even old enough for school and aren’t being taught at home.

Yeah well, I can promise you this - if the new people come blasting in here, or if they bring in a couple of guard dogs and 5 screaming kids that live outdoors - I will not tolerate it. I’ll set them straight just as fast as I’d set Mike straight if he were to return to his days of blasting in and out of here regularly. The more I think about why he’s shut up since late last year or so, the more I agree with Andy. I didn’t do shit to that woman over there, yet from the moment I first saw her, she’s always seemed to hate my guts, so yes, it’s probably cuz of how I look and she probably told him to shut up, for fear of him getting the wrong idea about me when he sees me as I go out to tell him to shut up. All guys are sluts and so many ugly women get paranoid about their guys seeing or being exposed in any way to better-looking women that are either neighbors, coworkers, etc.

I remember a few months after they came here, I was out by the pool and she was talking to someone in her driveway in front (that’s how loud this bitch talks), and she was saying something like, “Not my baby!” in a tone and way that suggested she was worried about her man eyeing something that he might consider a great source of eye candy and even more. Like I’d even be interested, single or not - right! I meant it when I said I’d kill myself if anything happened to Tom. And if I were dumb enough not to, well, I wouldn’t return to my days of trying to seek one-niters with women, cuz I learned long ago that that was never meant to be, but there’d never be another guy, either. I’d live and die alone if I didn’t die first.

If she’s moving, the reason why there may be no sign up is that she may have called her landlord (I still think they rented) and said she wanted to move and knew people to take the place over. God, I hope not! This black bitch obviously hates whites, so if that’s the case, then I’d have new freeloaders over there to deal with and I’m sure she’d let them know just how much I hate bass and other people’s noise, too.

Once again, I do not hate blacks. I don’t hate any specific kind of person and I know there’s good and bad in all kinds, it’s just that these particular ones happen to be rude assholes. I’ve known some good black people, but it still does seem that so many of them are either lazy, into crime, or religious fanatics. I often wonder if blacks don’t hide behind religion to cover for their crimes, but who knows? I try not to judge others too much, but we all have our human nature that we tend to follow and in my journal, I can say anything I want. People normally say things in their journals that they don’t usually say in their everyday lives.

If you ask me, though, I’d say that since they’ve been quiet over there 99% of the time since last October, I wish they’d stay. Like I said, though, God will only let me have things peaceful, no matter where I lived, only for so long. He’s obviously decided I’ve had enough peace and quiet and that it’s time to move on and back into dealing with and stressing over noisy neighbors.

I’d still like to not only ring the asshole’s necks that created such a fierce bass to newer stereos, but I’d like to kick ass on those that decided to build these houses just 3 measly fucking feet apart, too. When they get to opening and closing their car doors, it sounds like it’s connected to this house. Like someone slammed something up against the house. If I had never been here before, then was taken here blindfolded and put into the bedroom, then freed of the blindfold, then they opened and closed their car doors, know what I’d think? I’d think that I was in an apt. and that behind the bedroom wall was the neighbor’s kitchen and that they were going in and out of their cabinets.

OK, now my pork chops are ready, so I’ll be back soon.

Later...

OK, I ate my pork chops and saved some for Tom too, for when he gets in.

Other than the fact that I could go on and on about next door and neighbors forever, I don’t have much else to say. Just that we went to feed the hamsters yesterday and oh my God! What a pigsty that place is. Totally trashed, all in the Shower’s way and tradition. The only good thing that Tom’s great parents didn’t teach their kids was neatness and organization. They definitely get this from their folks, since Tom’s place at Crystal Creek and before I fixed up things here, Mary’s place and Ma’s place, all look the same.

It’s too bad Teddy Bear is only up 6 hours a day. It’s really weird but true. He gets up around 6 PM, then not too long after midnight, he’s out cold. He gets up periodically to get drinks and have a bite to eat, but that’s about it.

Friday, July 18, 1997

Well, this is weird, but they left their U-Haul parked next door all day yesterday. Tom thought it odd that they’d do that too, cuz usually, you rent it and use it to move whatever, then bring it back. However, sometime in the late afternoon, it was gone. I didn’t hear it leave, but early in the evening right before I was falling asleep, I thought I heard some car doors over there and just now, too. All day yesterday and as of today so far, too, there’s been no car there and I don’t really know now if they really are moving.

Andy left his work pants on the door last night for me to sew on a new button and I did that when I got up.

I also put up a couple of old shower curtains across the archway separating the back room from the rest of the house. This will hopefully act as a good tarp so we can close the back room vent, now that it’s so hot out, and use the EC for all the other rooms, but use the wall AC for the back room.

Tom asked me to wake him up at 8:00 last night so he could see me before work. When he says it that way, that’s usually saying so we can screw before he leaves for work. However, I had been up 16 hours by then and was just too beat, so I crashed. Before, though, he said something about not yelling at him tomorrow (which is now today). I intended to ask him what that meant, but the first thing that popped into my head was - don’t yell at me if I tease you and play sex games by deliberately botching things up, cuz you were too tired last night. Why, though? This man can live without sex just fine. I mean again, he’s not your typical male and whenever something’s come up that’s prevented us from getting together, there’s never seemed to be any hard feelings on his part, but I’ll find out for sure what he meant by what he said.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he botched things up at a time when it’s not possible for a woman to conceive, to try to throw me off of my belief that he’s afraid to have a kid and that he just doesn’t really want one that much.

Another thing is, Tom said next door doesn’t hate whites, cuz he saw her gabbing with both kids and adults at the house next to them on the other side with those lovely dogs. Oh, so it is personal, then? Something about me, huh? I’m sure that I came up in their discussion, too. I’m sure that one of them mentioned surrounding neighbors and that she let them know all about me and how I’d bitch at their music, but oh well.

Saturday, July 19, 1997

Early this morning, we got our first real rain in several months. It’s cooled things off significantly which is great, cuz yesterday was really hot and the dew point was up big time due to the oncoming monsoons. So, yesterday was when we took down the shower curtains and switched to the AC and with good timing, too, seeing that it’s cooler, but muggy out and it will be muggy till mid-September. At least this year, we were able to get through till late July without having to switch to the AC, which as you know, is way more expensive than an EC. Last year, though, we didn’t start off with a mild summer and we had to switch in June.

Things are going well with us and we had fun earlier. We started with him on top with no problem. I’m still hanging in at 104 pounds and am having a good PMS mentally, but physically, my tits are sore. I’m surprised, though, that I’m not bloated or seriously watery. I wish I knew what suddenly caused my tits to get so sore when the vitamin E seemed to be helping so well. Tom suggested that maybe it’s the calcium pills I began taking. I doubt that, but I’ll live and have only got about 4 days until my period. Then, I’ll start the vitamin E earlier in my cycle and I’ll really watch the caffeine intake.

Now I have an update on next door. Last night, after Tom went to bed, I came to my conclusion of what was going on over there, but this morning Tom told me his version and maybe he’s right. Just before 8:00 last night, I saw his car in the carport and then saw his old Jeep (he must’ve given it to someone he knows) parked in the driveway and also a big white car parked there. I couldn’t believe I didn’t hear these cars bass in, but I did hear car doors. Then just after 8:00, the Jeep and white car left. Not one note of music. All I heard were voices for a few minutes.

Then I peeked out back (I can only see a little bit of their backyard) and noticed a fairly big box that was open and something that I thought at the time was to be used to make a gate.

Then at around 9:00, I could’ve sworn I heard a dog over there out back. However, it was a dog with a measly little bark, that I could tell wasn’t the type to bark much and that I knew wouldn’t be a problem, since dogs out here aren’t only let out to pee and for a few hours on and off. They live outside.

Then I put two and two together and figured it out. The cars…first time in about a year there have been that many cars. Well, she wasn’t the one who ever had that much company. It was him they came to see and that had to be when the dog was dropped off (they must’ve had it leashed down somehow). His increased visits - for the last several months, his pattern was to visit about once every 2-3 weeks. Suddenly, he’s here last weekend, then two or so weekdays, and then again this weekend. The U-Haul - why rent a U-Haul to move and still be here a few days later? Cuz he’s moved back in and he obviously had gotten something from where he’s been staying that was too big to move in his car. The box - well, it was open, not closed with something packed in it and why would you pack a box to move and put it outside? It was an empty box that had contained the stuff he moved in with and the box was waiting to go out to the dumpster. The dog - why would you get a dog and then move?

The last time they had two cars visiting them, they all blasted in and out and so I had a thought - maybe they decided to stop the music, but then get a dog in regard to me, hoping and figuring it’d bother me. Well, I hate to disappoint them, but they’ll never hear a complaint from me with a dog with this kind of bark and I wish to hell the two dogs had this kind of bark.

Tom’s belief is this - well, he said that that thing was an old box spring or mattress and not something to make a gate with. He also said that there was no sign of a dog over there in their yard when he went on the roof to make sure things were working right up there. Well, maybe they actually took the thing inside, which would be a major shock to know that someone out here would even consider allowing a dog in their house, but I could’ve sworn it was coming from their yard. He thinks the U-Haul was to bring in a new bed for her and that he just helped her with that and is only visiting. If he is visiting, and if there really is a dog over there, then maybe it’s his dog and he brings it over when he visits.

I don’t know for sure, but I am sure that they’re not moving. My honest guess is that OK, she got a new bed, but he’s been here too much lately to not have moved back in and two cars of people coming to visit is his thing and not hers, so I think he’s moved back in. I’m sure he cheated on her and that’s what got him kicked out last fall and that within a handful of months, he’ll get booted again for another handful of months.

I realized something else, too, not that I didn’t know it deep down. Well, you know how they refer to God as He and Him and all that? They refer to him as a man and yes, he really is truly a man, and how I know this is cuz no female God could give females such raw deals and so many more problems in life than men get. Any God that could be cruel and heartless and insensitive enough to sterilize a woman has got to be a male. How could any God do that to a woman if he wasn’t a male, huh? No female God would have such a thing as sterility or miscarriages and go and get a woman all psyched up by having her find out she’s pregnant, then maliciously take it away and crush her heart as if it were an old used-up piece of paper.

Sunday, July 20, 1997

This morning, a whole 3 days early, I got the period that I absolutely should not have gotten. Hey, what did I expect? A miracle? It was just about right on the money too, as far as it being 14 days since he laid his last big load in me. I’m just as sterile as can be, but does my husband see and believe it yet? No. Of course not. Even he admitted that he didn’t know if he’d ever see what I see. I’m sure he won’t. Not that it’d do me any good and not that one can fight fate, but I asked him if he thought I was a cop-out for not going to a doctor and he said no. Of course he doesn’t think that. He doesn’t really want a child to begin with. Never has, never will. That’s why he doesn’t see what I see. He doesn’t want to see it cuz he doesn’t want to try fixing it (even though we can’t fix it), so that’s why he’s in a fine mood and everything’s all well and good and just about perfect, as far as he’s concerned. Things are going his way and God’s way, alright. He says it’s not that he doesn’t believe that I believe I’m sterile. He says it’s just that in his opinion and in his belief - I’m fine. Yeah, so fine that this is about the 6th period I should not have gotten. Then again, maybe I am fine. God can do anything. Therefore, he wouldn’t need to sterilize me to keep me from conceiving.

Later...

I’m so frustrated and mad right now! Tom left for Mary’s. He told me to call there if I needed anything. I needed to talk, so I called him and then what does he do? He gets on my case about it and says he needs to get things done and now’s not the time to talk. All he went over there to do was to fill their pool, feed the hamsters and play on their computer.

I’m not only right about my sterility, I’m still right about the fact that he doesn’t want to deal with it and that he just doesn’t want a kid.

I called to tell him that I know a doctor can’t fix me, but that I thought it’d help if we at least got tested so he could see what I see. I want him to know what I know - that I’m sterile. I thought that maybe that’d at least help, even though fate can’t be changed. But then he said that that’s giving up what he wants and that that’d affect our relationship. What about me? I don’t get to have what I want. Only he gets to have what he wants. And how would it affect our relationship? Cuz he wouldn’t want to deal with me crying over a confirmed reality and belief? Is that it?! So, to hell what I want, right? Only what he wants matters, huh? Then why’d he say that if I really felt that I needed and wanted to see a doctor, that that’d be OK? When is he ever gonna want to see a doctor or believe me and deal with what a doctor would tell us? Never. He’s never gonna want that and therefore, this man is truly full of shit when he says he wants a child. OK, fine. If it’ll make him happy, I’ll just run around saying I’m OK and that we don’t need a doctor. Then, when I hit menopause, he can keep saying that I was OK and that we didn’t need a doctor - we just never hit it right.

Later...

Tom got in a while ago and we talked and it didn’t really get us anywhere. I’ve got to stop this talking to him, I mean really. All it does is make things worse and 9 out of 10 times he just can’t deal with it and it just starts fights. So for once and for all, I’ve got to just know what I know and shut up. Talking about it won’t change fate.

He had said it was OK to express my feelings, but he doesn’t like it when I get angry at him.

But sometimes the things we need to express are things that others do that make us angry.

He then said that that’s not what he said. It’s when I get angry at his opinions that he doesn’t like. I’m not angry with him for his opinions, just frustrated. It’s the insensitivity coming from him that angers me. And the way he makes me feel like all that matters is what he wants when it comes to sex/kid. To hell with what I want.

And then I felt hurt even more after telling him that I’m just reacting the way a woman would in my shoes and he goes and tells me I was behaving badly and it wasn’t normal for me to be emotional and unstable about it. Yeah, well, let him come back as a sterile woman in his next life and we’ll see if he says that then. If this is how he feels, though, then why did he agree my feelings and actions were normal about a month ago? He had told me he understood and that this was normal then, so why not now?

Then I got more insensitivity from him when he said he was trying to prevent this from happening every other day and that whenever he makes progress (he was very productive over the weekend and did the yard, etc.), I pull him back, and then he went on about how he’s trying to get our finances set. How did I pull him back? My talking with him didn’t undo the yard or other things he’s done and I didn’t fuck him out of any money. He wasn’t working today.

He’ll never understand me. No man could ever understand me and neither could most women. Most women can have kids, so the only people who could understand me would be other women who are infertile, too.

He says that the reason he’s afraid that going to a doctor now would ruin our marriage is cuz of how we disagree and would answer questions differently and would bicker. Why couldn’t we just say what we felt, even if it was the opposite of what the other felt, not bicker and then just take it from there? Well, he still says that once our sex life is normal, then after a period of time in which I’m still not pregnant, then we’ll go to a doctor. But when will it ever be normal? He still implies that it’s cuz of me and says that once he gets me to work through my emotions and stabilizes me, then we can have a normal sex life. Oh, so it’s me, huh? Well, I reminded him that he told me I couldn’t control his dick and therefore, that it was him that’s caused us to not have a normal sex life. I’ve never done anything to stop him from cumming more often. All I can do is lay there and spread my legs, but the rest is up to him. I never expected him to cum all the time, but 9 times in 7 months is way too little (not that I need any more proof of my sterility). So, I told him God decides whether or not we have a kid, and even though I know the answer to that decision - you decide whether or not to cum more. Not me. Not anyone else but him. He said OK and I don’t know if this was an admission that yes, he has been stalling for time or what.

Until and if I ever see differently, and even though nothing and no one can ever grant us our wish for a child, this man is controlling the amount that he cums and he doesn’t want a kid that bad and he doesn’t want to deal with proving me right about my sterility. When it comes to sex/child, everything’s up to him and God. Not me. I have no say at all and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I asked him how I could know that if he did decide to cum more often, then in a year or so from now when he saw I still wasn’t pregnant, he wouldn’t bail out and make excuses as far as seeing a doctor goes and even he said I couldn’t know. No one can know what the future holds. Well, I do know as far as a kid goes. I know that he and God will see to it that I never have one.

Later...

After talking some more, we went into the pool. This year, there have been fewer bees that I’ve seen, and more drowned. It’s weird, but nice for a change. While we were out there, I told him I’d be patient while he made his decision (to cum more or not) and he said there was no decision to make. Oh, so here we go back into denial again, while he implies that he’s not blaming me, but that the reason we haven’t had a normal sex life yet is cuz of me and my emotions and the way I behave. But he’ll get me through it and all will be normal. Right! Then he said he didn’t want to fight anymore. I wasn’t trying to fight with him. Why is it that every time I go to talk about my feelings and beliefs, he always thinks it’s got to be a fight? There’s just no talking to this guy. He takes everything too personally, turns it around on me, and doesn’t tell me the truth. He’s only truthful when it comes to anything that’s not related to sex or a kid. All I know are two things. I’ve got to stop talking to him, and we’ll never have a kid.

Mary and Dave had themselves quite a scare this morning when they took off from Syracuse. They were to layover in Detroit. They made it there OK, but when they went to take off for here, they had to return due to engine trouble. Meanwhile, Dave’s always been terrified of flying and he refuses to get on any plane ever again, so they rented a car and are driving back.

Next door were perfect angels over the weekend, but I sure did hear a lot of car doors on and off these last two days. They had at least 3 different cars there and I’m still not sure if he’s moved back in. Only sure that she’s not moving out. If he’s there tomorrow, and especially Tuesday then yes, he’s moved back in and that’d explain all the boxes Tom said he saw them put out by the dumpster. Unless she got a roommate.

As for the dog, the next day I heard 3 little barks and Tom said they could have a small dog there, but cuz the houses are so close, it could’ve been where those two dogs are. I’m pretty sure it was next door and not where those two dogs are cuz they’d eat the little thing alive. Other than that, I haven’t heard it, so maybe it was visiting. However, it won’t be a problem.

I’ll check for any cars over there around midnight-1 AM and hopefully there won’t be, cuz like I said, if there were any, that’d mean he lives here again and it’d just be a matter of time before the music starts and God knows what else, too.

Monday, July 21, 1997

Well, both yesterday and today sure have been depressing. Let me give you my weird news first. I always believed that if there could be life as smart as your average human, or maybe even smarter on this planet, why not other planets? Others far away from this galaxy, I mean. Well, last night I saw the weirdest thing in the sky. I went out just after midnight and if you picture headlights shining through a deep fog - that’s what I saw. The only thing about it is, is that there were 4 lights. They’d circle a little wider than the house, then join together in the center. These 4 beams of light kept doing that over and over as I stood there thinking, what the hell? I noticed that it appeared to be coming from above the clouds and that the beams of light weren’t stemming from the ground.

I was completely mystified and called 911. I told the woman who answered that it wasn’t an emergency and told her what I saw. She said she could see it, too (so it was wider than it appeared to be) and that she’s been getting lots of calls about it, doesn’t know what it is, and was waiting for a response from the Air Force or some military outfit. She gave me the number of the Phoenix aviation people to see if I could find out from them, but they were closed.

I went back outside and saw a helicopter fly nearby, then called her back later to see if the source of it was known yet. It turned out that the lights were coming from Sky Harbor due to the bad weather we’ve been having. It drizzled on and off yesterday and we sure did have a lot of nasty clouds and humidity.

This makes no sense, though. The lights were not coming from the ground.

Anyway, Tom said something to me that makes no sense at all and I forgot to mention it yesterday. You know how I said that he thinks us going to a doctor now would ruin our marriage cuz of our opposing views and bickering? Well, he thinks that after not getting pregnant from this normal sex he says we’re gonna have, that the risks would be decreased, but that there’d still be risks. Well, I’d think that having a child would be most risky to a marriage, not going to a doctor for help on making one. Once again, if you ask me, it’s just another excuse to cover for his fears and for his not wanting a child and yes, I’m 100% sure we’ll never see a doctor. I told Tom that in my belief, if two people love each other, nothing should jeopardize that love, but since that’s just pure fantasy and if he’s gonna be feeling the slightest threat to his sanity, happiness or our marriage about seeing a doctor at any point in our lives, then I don’t want any part of it. Even if it didn’t hurt our relationship, it sure as hell ain’t gonna give us what we want, either.

So, the bottom line is the same and I told him how it is and how it’ll be - I cannot have a child and I just want to try to forget the words child and doctor and just move on, even if there’s nothing to move on to. That’s all I can do. That’s the only choice God’s given me. All else is his and not in my hands.

As far as next door goes, he slept there last night, and if he returns to sleep there again tonight, then yes, he’s definitely moved back in.

Tuesday, July 22, 1997

Yesterday I had the most cramps and the most flow I’ve had in years. I had to take 4 ibuprofen. Yes, 4 of them and I was still flowing and still had some cramps. Without the ibuprofen, though, which did make it 90% better, it’d probably have been as bad as it was when I was a teenager.

Was this period so bad cuz I had prayed harder than ever for nearly two months for the child I could never have? It seems the more I pray, the more of a period I have. As if something’s trying to reinforce what’s meant to be.

Yesterday Tammy called wanting to know if I got carpet in the mail using Bill’s name. Now why would I do that? Well, I hope they figure out what it’s about.

I just went on AOL to delete my 20 pieces of junk mail and now all that’s left to update on is just that Ma safely returned home yesterday, Mary and Dave will probably be arriving tonight in their rental car, and now I’ll discuss next door.

Yes, he’s definitely moved back in and that explains the U-Haul and boxes. As usual, he seems to come and go about 3 times a day. I think he has a job where he can go home for lunch.

Anyway, I had hopes that they didn’t ever want to see my face again (and the only times they did was when I’d bitch about their music), so they’d feel it was well worth it to keep things quiet, but I’ve got a bad feeling about the whole thing. Tom says they’re not plotting against me and I’ve got nothing to worry about. I know they’re not necessarily plotting against me, but these people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves and I know it’s just a matter of time.

So far, whenever they’d leave, they’d do so quietly, but yesterday he came in at 5:30 and I could hear the music. It was at a reasonable volume, don’t get me wrong, but he’s testing me. Just like before, they’d be quiet for a while after I’d bitch about it, but after time, the music would slowly escalate in volume. So, I know that it’s just a matter of time before it’ll be like it was last spring and summer where he comes blasting in real loud a few times a day and I am not gonna return to the old days. It’s just a matter of time before I’ll be forced to forever end this problem and it will be a problem again. I just know it. After all these months I’ve got this stress thrown right back on me (as if dealing with never having a child isn’t enough), and now I’m never gonna know what I’m in for each weekend. There will be more cars pulling in and out of there, sporting events will be chaos over there and they partied last Labor Day, so I’m sure they will again this year.

He left quietly not too long after he pulled in at 5:30 with the music at an OK volume and when I went to bed at midnight, there was no car there. He must’ve come in later, then left this morning, then returned at around lunchtime, cuz his car was there when I checked shortly after noon, then he quietly left a few minutes ago. If he’s got a set schedule, then he’ll be back just after 5:00 and I can’t wait to hear how he’ll make his entrance.

Yeah well, Mike, just as soon as you come in at your old volume that fucking rocks this house, you’ll see me for the last time.

Even though I will put a permanent end to this (then God will go do something else), I’m gonna miss those days of them being out of sight and out of mind for weeks at a time. They say, though, that once broken up, always broken up, so he’s bound to be thrown out again. That may take 6 months at the least, but I don’t see why that shouldn’t happen sooner or later.

Wednesday, July 23, 1997

God, what did I do to my shoulder? I must’ve strained a muscle somehow, but I’ve been taking ibuprofen to bring down the inflammation and am sure it’ll be fine soon enough.

Due to the heat and monsoon humidity, the pool is like bathwater. It’s actually kind of warm.

The Humane Society sent me 3 animal cards that say “thank you” on them. The ones with the cats and dogs went on my boring sketchbook cover and I’ll send the lamb to Mom and Dad.

When I got up Tom was on AOL researching medical stuff for Ma whose white and red blood cell counts aren’t too good and sending a message to someone with a computer question. I asked him if he was typing me a letter and he said no, but he would. So he sent me a nice and funny little message and I replied later.

Ma made it back from CA safe and sound and Mary and Dave drove in safe and sound last night, but I guess there was a little more to their plane ordeal. Mary told Mom who told Tom who told me that as soon as they took off, there was trouble. I guess they knew they had to come right back right away and they couldn’t get above 3000 feet and one of the engines caught fire. It was on the news all over the country and Bill heard about it (I told my mom and Tammy and Bill over the phone and in a letter Larry). Due to Tammy’s ex-asshole who was a pilot, we came to learn a lot about planes. And you know me, unlike most people, I love flying and am not afraid. Therefore, I’d have been like Mary who was cool, calm and collected, cuz I know that a plane can fly just fine for a while on one engine and that most problems can be dealt with safely. Meaning, most of the time, you can survive. Even most crashes are survivable. Mary said she didn’t get scared till she saw all the fire trucks and ambulances as they landed, but again, they always go out as a precautionary measure. That’s standard. Dave, though, really lost it. He was crying, leaning on Mary as they left the plane and not only will he never fly again, he’s now afraid of elevators. And also, as they were driving through the mountains to return here, he was very tense and nervous, the poor guy.

I just thank God for not killing them.

Nothing major has broken out yet next door, but boy I’ll tell you, they must’ve slammed their car doors at least 15 times a day in the last few days. That I know of, he’s only played his music once at an OK volume. There will be something breaking out, though, tomorrow. Believe it or not, I feel terribly guilty for this, but what’s done is done and the letter’s already gone out. I thought about telling Tom but then decided not to since he doesn’t need to know about it, cuz it’s not something that’ll affect his life. So, using my best judgment, I’d say it’s best to keep my mouth shut. He’d just be disappointed in me, but like I said, if it were something I did that’d affect him or us, then of course I’d have to speak up.

I know I’m in for severe punishment for what I’ve done, but I expect that and will accept it maturely. I sometimes pray to God about non-baby stuff, cuz I know there is a chance he’ll listen to anything else but cries for a baby. I told him that I knew what I did was wrong and that if he must punish me for it (even though denial of a child is punishment enough), I’ll take whatever he must dish out to me.

I sent a letter to Joely with no return address, saying that I met Mike a handful of months ago, he said he hadn’t been with anyone for a while, had no kids, we got serious, he got me pregnant with twins, etc. Then I found out through someone who saw us in a restaurant and knew him, when I went into the bathroom and ran into this person again, that he had been with her on and off, had a kid, was told where they lived, etc. I wouldn’t give my name, cuz I thought it was best not to and neither did the woman that told me all about Mike give me her name. I said I told Mike he must leave, I’ll raise the kids alone, he couldn’t see them, and that I felt she had a right to know about this, my heart went out to her, she’s a victim too, etc.

I don’t know why I bothered to do such a thing since God will make sure she believes him and that they get noisy. I should’ve known this and known better. I’m really in for it now, cuz I know she’s been with him on and off for years, so she’s not gonna toss him out for good now. No way. She’ll believe him and he’ll stay.

Later...

Just one ibuprofen when I woke up and one more 4 hours later, hasn’t done much for my shoulder. I’d like to think that this is my punishment for that letter, but I know better. I know God knows that a sore shoulder ain’t shit compared to having them bass in and party more often, but now I wonder something else. Is this really Mike driving that maroon car? He didn’t need a U-Haul to move out last fall, but I could’ve sworn that while my folks were here, Tom told me he saw he was now driving that, but last night he said he didn’t say that. Well, if Tom’s not covering for and protecting him, could this be a new boyfriend? I thought I saw some guy I’d never seen before in their backyard last weekend. If this is a new guy, which I doubt, is this why there’s been either no music or soft music? If it’s him, and if she’s ordered him not to blast it so as not to see me for fear that he’d like what he saw, then yes, this letter might get to her if she’s the jealous, paranoid type.

I thought I heard a car door there just now, but I can’t be sure cuz it was soft this time, but I wonder if I’ll hear car doors up till 10 PM like last night. This could be either in regard to me, more company cuz of him, or the asshole keeps getting things from his car, but who knows? Earlier, I did see the security door wide open again, like maybe Mikey, or whoever, was moving more shit in.

I also haven’t heard one bark from over there since the two times I last did and since the one time Tom thought he did.

I’m still pretty sure that that’s him driving that car and living there now and that that letter may cause a reaction out of her, but it won’t get him kicked out.

I also am still sure that I’ll be in for a hell of a punishment, as we all know I’m not one of those rewarded for wrongdoings by God. It’ll be much much more than a sore shoulder, too, but I asked for it. I must take it and deal with it.

Next, I have an update on Shelly, but let me go down two ibuprofen first.

Later...

Last night Shelly came into my mind and this whole thing of not hearing from her nagged me. I thought once again about Tom and my initial theory that I reminded her of a bad time in her life, but something was off about that. Shelly just seemed too strong for that to be such a problem with her and knowing how she has never had a problem with speaking her mind, it seemed she would’ve told me if she had a problem with me contacting her up front. Then I started to feel that maybe something was wrong. I couldn’t resist settling my curiosity any longer, so I called. I began by telling her that I understood if it was a case of my representing a bad time in her life, bringing back bad memories and opening old wounds. I just wanted to thank her for looking out for me back then and was glad to know we were both the happiest we’ve ever been in our lives and this is true for me, even if Tom and I have a strange sex life and even if I can never have a kid.

Yeah well, something was wrong, all right. She is not happy. Far from it. Her typical male of a husband has been cheating on her and she’s probably going to be going through a messy divorce and is scared, depressed, confused, hurt, angry, frustrated and is going through all those emotions, feelings and beliefs right now that I only know so very well.

Later...

God, I’m sick of these sales calls! I’m tired of getting up to see the box say it’s just some asshole salespeople that hound us every day and that just don’t give up, so if the phone rings again - fuck it.

Anyway, Shelly said she didn’t call cuz she not only had nothing but bad news but cuz of her emotional state and that it had nothing to do with me.

She said she’d love to get away just for a weekend and come see me, but it doesn’t look like she’ll be able to afford it till she figures out what she’s doing from here. She made it sound like she’s gonna be leaving him, cuz she knows the statistics on cheating and that once a cheater always a cheater. Yes, it’s just like with rapists and molesters. She said she didn’t think this would happen and was so sure she found the perfect guy and that this wasn’t the first time he’d cheated. She said it started when she was pregnant with her second kid which she had with him, then again after it was born. Another case of a marriage falling apart due to pregnancy and having a kid, not that it’s her fault at all. As much as I’d still have a kid if I could, perhaps my sterility really is more of a protection thing than a curse. Anyway, she said he was also in jail for attempted rape and that she’s getting ripped off as far as their stuff goes since she trusted him and had most everything in his name. She says she may have to move into an apartment. Also, her mother is siding with him and her brother has crashed at their place cuz he just left the woman he was with for 4 years.

Her kids are taking it hard, naturally, and she says she doesn’t know how she’s gonna start over. She says she knows she can go it alone, but feels that at 31 she’s lost everything, all her hopes and dreams and that she’s got to start all over again from God knows where.

They just decided to start slamming car doors so I lost my train of thought. Now, where was I? I guess I could say that I’m very sorry for her and to see that this great life she seemed to have gotten has fallen apart on her. My heart really goes out to her, but at least I know now what’s been happening and am no longer wondering.

I told her to never hesitate to call me anytime, no matter what news she has, and I’ll listen to her and help in any way I can and that I know all the emotions she’s going through. I reminded her that I’ve had plenty of times where I was trapped and things looked hopeless and how they do now, as far as a baby goes. I reminded her that I can never have that and that sometimes that’s very hard to deal with, so I know all about hopeless dreams.

She’s got a restraining order on him now, is back in counseling, and I guess she’s gonna be in court a lot. She feels like she has no family support and that he’s pinning it all on her and won’t come clean and own up to his own faults.

She said she got the pictures and said I looked just how she pictured I’d look. I told her I’d back off and give her space from the phone and from letters if she’d like, but she said it was OK to call her and that she needed stuff through the mail and to write jokes and funny stuff to make her laugh. Oh, I sure did that, alright. She should be getting a wonderful letter from me on Saturday.

I even got her to laugh a few times when I told her some jokes and she said she wanted all the dirty and funny jokes I could send her, so I’ll send her a few in each letter. I also told her about the calls Andy and I used to make and about the tapes and how I could play her some over the phone sometime, or mail her some.

We even had our funny argument about how many floors those assholes had that we lived with. I’m still sure it was 3 floors.

I’m also sure that there’s more to our conversation that I’ll remember over time and when I do, I’ll jot it down.

Thursday, July 24, 1997

Tom just got up to take a couple of Rolaids cuz of an upset stomach. I hope he’ll be better and able to fall back asleep.

I talked with Andy today and told him about Shelly.

Later...

OK, now I can write.

I just went to clip Piggy’s nails before I forgot yet again.

I’m getting a little nervous as we get closer to the weekend, never knowing what to expect from next door.

Of course, I’m also thinking about that letter. There is a chance that she won’t get it till tomorrow, but I doubt that. I just hope she opened it and that he doesn’t go opening her mail. I still can’t see it breaking her heart or that she’d even believe it for a minute, let alone go and kick him out. I think she’ll laugh at it when she reads it and will know it’s bullshit.

I only heard a car door yesterday once or twice, but none so far today. I quit spying to see if there’s a car there each day. I know he lives here now.

I sit here and I wait for my punishment, which I’m sure will have something to do with either them being noisy, or with sex and my sterility being rubbed in my face and me having a hard time with that, but how do I know I wasn’t sent by God to send her this letter to punish her for something’s she’s done wrong? I very highly doubt that God went through me to get to her, even though it happens. The reason I doubt this theory, although it is something to think about, is cuz God doesn’t work that way with me and cuz I’m still sure she won’t buy a word of the letter.

Speaking of letters, the quacks at that prayer thing I called that I saw on TV did send me some bullshit literature after all. It was only about shit they were having on TV, but they got a reply back from me in their NPN they enclosed. I don’t know why there was an NPN enclosed, I didn’t care to look, but I took advantage of it by letting them know what quacks they are.

Also, US West finally updated the voice mail service and now we have those new features where we can get our messages quicker.

Friday, July 25, 1997

She didn’t get in till around 9 PM next door and I believe he came in later. The fact that all lights went off and she went to bed at the usual time of around 10 PM and the fact that his car was there, gives me 3 theories. 1. She didn’t get the letter today. 2. She got it, laughed at it, told Mike, “It’s OK. I believe you. I know this is a joke. Let’s go to bed.” 3. That’s not Mike she’s now with and who owns that car and that also explains why there are no music problems.

I set up Teddy Bear’s cage in yet another and really cool setup. I’ve got Mary’s little cage inside the aquarium and from one side of it are all the tubes. I have them running up out of the cage and around into the kitchen and at the end of his tubes, is the purple wheel he sleeps in. Now that he’s taken to sleeping in this wheel, which is easier to clean than tubes, I don’t have to worry about having tubes set up at certain angles. The other hole in Mary’s cage hasn’t got anything attached to it, cuz that’s his way into Mary’s cage, then into the tubes.

Later...

As of today, Tom’s dad has been dead for 1 year. I told Tom that anytime he wanted to go to the cemetery, I’d go with him, of course.

So, what kind of weekend will I be in for? I wonder. Anyway, I don’t know if there’s a car there now, but I’m sure there is, and thought I heard a door earlier. I also thought I heard that dog again, but this time, even I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, yet pretty sure it was next door. There are a lot of things that point to that not being Mike that drives that car and that’s living there, but I’d still guess it is him. There are some new things here like the dog, the boxes, and the U-Haul he never used to move out before, and the quieting of the music. Although, he kind of quieted down many months ago when he’d come just to visit. In fact, I think it’s been since the end of last year or the beginning of this year since he’s stopped blasting in real loud. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens and if we ever see or hear the driver of that car, meanwhile, the guilt over the letter has gone just as quickly as it came. Especially since I know she’s a bitch who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself and since I can see that this letter has had no apparent effect on her life. You’d think she’d either take off to someone’s house if it upset her that bad, or that this car would disappear (if it’s his), or that company would be coming in to console her, but nothing’s changed, so she knows the letter was bullshit.

Tom and also decided that next weekend, which will give us time to spruce the pool up, we’re gonna film Bunny swimming and send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos. If they accepted my dad with his bird’s head in his mouth, then maybe they’d like a swimming rabbit. I won’t say anything to any family members on my side, until and if we get a letter saying they’ll air it. Just like Dad didn’t tell me till they got their air-approval letter from America’s Most Wanted, as Larry, others and I still call it.

There was a light on next door earlier, but there isn’t one on now, so she either went out or is in bed early for a Friday night.

If she got the letter yesterday, she didn’t get in till 9 PM, as far as I know. She usually goes to bed at around 10 PM, cuz that’s usually when all the lights go off over there. So another sign that says she laughed the letter off, was how she could go to bed and actually sleep, or think she could, just one hour after getting this letter. I’d think that anyone who got this kind of a letter that believed it would be too riled up to go to bed an hour later.

Of course, there’s also always the possibility that God made sure it never got delivered.

Tuesday, July 29, 1997

The reason why I haven’t written much is that I’ve been having a field day designing my own tiles for the tiles game. I didn’t know this, but Tom pointed out to me that this comes with the program. In the paintbrush program is where you can load up a blank set, then design them. The only thing about it is that you’re limited to only 16 colors. I’ve made shapes, colors, inserted text to make a names game, drawn my own little pictures of flowers, and have airbrushed stuff, etc. It’s amazing what can be done and it’s so much fun.

I’m gonna make this a really quick entry cuz I want to go do more tile sets and other things. I’ve really been neglecting my reading and my proofreading, but oh well.

The weekend went over without a problem at all from next door, so that really eases my nerves.

Andy came over last night to go for a swim and to bring us a present. A pie, some cake and some cookies from work. They make all their desserts fresh at Coco’s, so whatever’s left over at night, goes to the employees, or else it’ll just get dumped.

For the first time since we’ve lived here, Tom began straightening up his little room, which I was shocked to wake up and see him doing, but it’s looking good so far. He also straightened out and organized where he puts all his mail and that, too, looks nicer than just strewn all over the footstool and the end table.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Tammy said that the stuff I want for my dry, dead frizzy hair, is not called Gold. It’s called Liquid Hair. So, one of these days I’ll have to look for it.

I have a few more things to write about, but I’ll do so another time.

Wednesday, July 30, 1997

OK, now that I’ve had time enough to have fun making tile sets, I can get on with the updating.

First of all, Tom’s being the typical hypochondriac he usually is, but again, I don’t think it’s him so much as it is God. Still, he’s always got a problem - not enough sleep, something hurts, a sore throat, etc. And with this happening right before prime time (even if there is no prime time for me), it makes me wonder if he’s decided that instead of playing games with me this month, by pretending he’s all gung-ho on screwing, then pulls away, maybe he’s gonna avoid me this time around.

For the millionth time, he said again how he wants more sex. Then why doesn’t he do so? I got up last night at 8:00 when he said this. He didn’t have to leave till 12:30. So if he wants more sex, then what happened last night? Why didn’t he initiate it last night? I’m just so sick of this shit as I have been for years now and between him and the fact that sex itself is getting to be old news and nothing new and exciting, I couldn’t care less how little we screw. Or how little he gets off. He’s never complained about not getting off, it can’t make a baby, so we may as well keep the sheets clean.

Yesterday, we talked about taking almost half of our loan money for that bed we want. That’d be great. I need anything I can get to give me a sense of normality. I’d love for us to sleep together, even if his snoring will always drive me nuts and even if our sex life will always be abnormal, and even if I’ll always be sterile. It’s also nice to see this loan money going to something realistic and practical, rather than for a doctor-made miscarriage.

Speaking of babies, God’s not caring, Tom’s lack of desire and motivation and the message I heard from Linda, are really doing a good job of helping me deal with my sterility, among other things, too, of course. Andy played me a message she left and she really sounded miserable. Totally horrible and I’m sure she’s wondering why she spent 8 Gs just to make her life the hell it is. She’s tired, been going non-stop 24 hours a day since her twins were born in May, and she just has no life whatsoever.

Once again, do I really want this kind of life, too? Did God not sterilize me to curse me, even though I’ve felt that way? Did he do it out of love? Did he simply want to protect my health, my sanity, my life and my marriage?

Andy’s bad memory can really be frustrating. I showed him the little waterfall from my folks, yet last time, he asked what it was. I told him and showed him how I went about finding Shelly, but yet just the other day, he asked me how I found her. Is it the pot? Or is it that he just doesn’t care enough to pay attention to what I say?

At around 10 PM, I went to go outside to get some fresh air and there was a dead pigeon right outside the door. Tom, thankfully, put it in the dumpster. While we were out there, I heard that dog. He still says he can’t tell which house it’s at, but it seemed obvious that it is coming from next door for sure. So if he’s supposed to be better with telling where sounds are coming from (and he is), this tells me he’s just covering for them. Typical old protect-thy-neighbor thing he’s all about. He tried to tell me the other day that I’m lumping too many cars together and assuming it’s only him blasting music. He says that every Sunday morning, there’s a car that comes in (maybe to take her to church) with music going. I’ve never heard it. So right away I thought, Oh, he’s just covering and sticking up for him, just like with denying he said he saw him in that maroon car when my parents were here, so I don’t go chewing him out, and to try to ease my stress.

Well, trying to ease my stress is one thing, but there haven’t been other cars that played their music since last summer. All other times since last summer, it was him, but I haven’t heard any music since that one time I told you I had heard it at an OK volume at 5:30 PM one day.

If you ask me personally, I think they swapped in the music for the dog, but if so, then that’s great. I’ll take that over the music anytime. It can’t wake me up.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again yesterday and I’ve already got new ideas for the next setup.

Thursday, July 31, 1997

I don’t believe this fucking shit! Tom’s got yet another cold. What’s he gonna do? Get a cold every two months? How convenient, too, that he gets this when I hit mid-cycle. As if he’d rather come up with some excuse as to why he can’t screw at such a scary time for him, rather than play games. Once again, I sit here and I wonder - does he really have a cold? Or is he just acting? And how much of this is God-related?

Even if he really did want more sex, and I know he doesn’t, there’s always one thing after another and he’s always got a problem. I may have a screwy schedule, but there’s no way we could have sex regularly if we both wanted to, cuz there’s always something right there to make sure that we don’t. Is this my punishment for the letter? I mean, I just cannot depend on this man for sex. I can depend on him for food, to pick up my meds, and other things I need, but not for sex. It’d just be so much easier if we could be on our own sexually. Like I said, the sex with him is getting old, it’s too damn predictable, it can’t make a child, so if I just took care of my own damn self, I don’t have to worry about any game playing, or him or God interfering, and this can be done regularly.

Tom says he thinks it’s cuz of lack of sleep that’s brought on this cold. You can’t get a cold after only one or two days of lack of sleep. I know what it is. He’s so sure I’m fertile, that he’s scared shitless and feels that this is his only way to avoid sex. He’s also trying to spare me the grief of reality being further rubbed into my face, too, by avoiding sex now, but that much I can appreciate. All this worry over nothing, though. If he’d just quit being so stubborn and so obsessed with his games and with disagreeing with me, and see that I am truly sterile, he’d have a lot less stress hanging over him and he wouldn’t have to worry so much and make up excuses to dodge this and dodge that. There’s nothing to dodge. Therefore, I don’t know why he and God act like there is something to dodge most of the time. Every now and then God and Tom allow Tom to get off at the right time, but most of the time they both act like there is a pregnancy to avoid. Tom’s fears are totally unfounded and a part of me wishes he would get off 5 days in a row at the right time for many months, so he could see this, but he’s just too damn scared to. And he’ll never admit this, either.

I just went and looked and from what the journals say, Tom’s last two colds were in March and June. So every 1-3 months he’s gonna have a cold, huh?

Later...

For the first time in my life, I wish drugs didn’t come with the complexities they come with. I always thought that those who turned to drugs were wasting their time and only hurting themselves, cuz drugs don’t solve people’s problems. However, what about those whose problems don’t or can’t get solved even sober? Not taking drugs didn’t make me the singer I once wanted to be. It didn’t give me the woman I wanted. And it certainly won’t unsterilize me. So, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice to take something that’ll bring up your spirits and mood while calming your emotions. It’s not that simple, though. Where would I get the drugs? What drugs would I take? Where would I get the money? What would I do about its addiction and side effects?

Nothing’s ever that simple. There are simple facts, but never simple solutions or simple answers. My being sterile is a fact, but there’s no solution to fix that. There aren’t any sure answers as to why, either, but only theories.

Tom always says that life will go on no matter what, but it hasn’t. It has, being the fact that we’re still both alive, but it hasn’t. We get new gadgets and things like that to improve the house, the computer, the animals, things like that, but that’s where life stops. I can be with Tom for the rest of my life and get new things here and there, which is great. I can always do my hobbies, but is there anything else after this? No. Not at all. We’re gonna get this bed, but what does it mean? It means feeling a little more normal since most couples do sleep together. It means having the convenience back of being able to walk right up to the side of the bed and lay down. It means being able to have a nightstand by the bed, instead of a little shelf. But does it mean more sex and more normal sex and a child? No, of course not. No way. Nothing else will change. Life will still go on with our lives being exactly as it has been - sex in spurts, problems with sex, sterility, his job and my place in the house. The only difference is that we’ll be sleeping together. Sometimes, though, he’ll have to sleep on the couch, cuz us sleeping together means me being woken up by his snoring every night. Therefore, I’m gonna need to catch up periodically. He understands this, though.

Later...

For the last few days, I haven’t heard any car doors from next door, but I’m sure he’s still there.

Earlier I did some reading, played some computer games, listened to music and just now, I rearranged Teddy Bear’s cage again.

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