#I'm really mentally ill about him right now and it's like a Problem

[alangdorf]

Had Traitor Magolor almost done except for the legs too, lol. My brush settings were way better on this one; I just did the coloring process kinda backwards and was really stubborn about not pulling it into csp to make the EX recolor better, but I still like the results ok. And I’m including a rainbow version of the background I made but didn’t end up committing to both to shorten the post and because I think it’s funny. Bisexual Flag Guy in the Gay Dimension

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Hi, I was wondering if you still accept requests because I read your Wonka fics and find them very cute and wanted to ask if I could also make a request. And that is that the reader has sleep problems and asks Willy finally what she can do about it as soon as she no longer knows what to do and he makes a certain chocolate for her so that she can sleep better again? (Something fluffy please) Thank you!

A sweet remedy [W. W]

Willy Wonka x fem!reader

word count: 1.2k

note: I'm sorry it took me so long, these weeks I was covering a full shift and with the holidays I barely had time to do anything, but I'm back now! And I hope you like it

taglist: @dyieying @reallysparklychaos [Timothée masterlist]

While you were scrubbing one of the most difficult sheets you had had to wash during the day you felt your eyelids begin to close, at first little by little, and at times completely. It wasn't until you fell against the tub full of soapy water and stood up with a scream at the temperature that you realized you really had a problem.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Piper asked, immediately approaching while you struggled to keep the detergent from getting into your eyes and mouth.

“Yes, everything is fine,” you lied. Everyone had already gathered around you and shame was taking over your body. “I just… I slipped"

“Here's a towel,” said a familiar and loving voice, which belonged to your recent but quite dear friend.

Willy approached you and wrapped the towel around you, carefully, while he helped you clean your face. Once you could see more clearly you noticed that everyone seemed worried and you honestly didn't blame them. Your face reflected the lack of sleep you had had during the last few weeks, coming from a previously unknown cause. The only thing you knew was that the insomnia was literally killing you.

"Are you sure you are alright?" now Abacus murmured. You nodded again and smiled at everyone, imploring them to let the moment pass.

When you were dry enough you continued with your tasks, but you could feel your friend's dissatisfied gaze from across the room, as if he were the only one unwilling to ignore your recent strange behaviors: you were distracted, you seemed to leave mentally out of nowhere and this wasn't the first incident where you practically passed out on a dangerous surface.

At some point you had to carry a cart of sheets to the drying area and that's when he hurried to follow you.

“Let me help you,” he exclaimed, smiling in your direction as he held the cart you were pushing.

“I'm fine,” you said, to reassure him, because you knew that he had approached you to monitor your mood.

One by one you took out the sheets and began to put them in the dryer. The process would take a while, so you guys had a few minutes to chat, after all you knew the others wouldn't mind.

You leaned against the old machine, feeling the vibration on your lower back, and he did the same. The distance was so close that your hip was touching his, turning any conversation into a private one.

“Are you sick or something? We can get a doctor, if so”

“I'm sick, but I don't think it's that kind of illness,” you sighed.

"What do you mean?"

It was useless to keep hiding things from him, and who knows... that ingenious mind might even find a solution.

“I can't sleep, Willy. I don't understand why I can't, but I've had problems with that. I think it's called insomnia, or something like that” you began to explain, crossing your arms as if you wanted to protect yourself from the vulnerability “And it's horrible and it makes me feel stupid. I mean, who can't do something as easy as sleep?”

“Sometimes I don't get it either. There is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yes, I know, but…” you started moving your hands in the air, trying to find the right words to express yourself, “it's different. And I don't know what to do anymore, I can't sleep during the day because we work and I honestly feel like I'm going to collapse at any moment.”

Even though he was listening to you attentively, he didn't know how to respond for a moment.

“Do you think I look very bad?” you continued “You know, like… physically?”

“No, I think you look beautiful,” he replied, without thinking too much about it. “Maybe there's a little more pigmentation here…” his thumb slid under your eyes, in the place of your dark circles, and you smiled involuntarily “but nothing to worry about.”

You were reassured that you were still pretty in your friend's eyes, but you knew that the worried look on his face wasn’t in vain. You had to do something about it.

“Perhaps among your curiosities you have some chocolate that helps me sleep?” you joked, speaking only to the air.

But on his face you saw that expression of machination that suddenly emerged, almost as if a light bulb appeared over his head at the idea that was going through his head.

"Not yet. But it's an excellent idea."

“Oh, I wasn't serious…”

“But it’s brilliant,” he interrupted you. The dryer stopped and you knew the drying cycle was over, as should your conversation “Give me some time and you can sleep like a baby, I promise.”

That was perhaps his favorite thing: making promises. And of course, comply with them.

You wanted to answer him something, but a yawn preceded you and the man simply laughed at the irony of the moment.

“I guess I can't refuse now, can I?”

“As soon as I manage to do it, you will have it in your hands,” he said, excited.

With that the talk ended and you began to hang the clothes on a rope, returning to the day's work, but now with a better spirit in the hope that Willy could help you get what you wanted so much.

"Special delivery?" someone knocked on your door. You were like every night, just curled up in bed to hope for the best.

Willy was holding a small purple box with a red bow, which judging by the excited smile your friend had, you assumed was the remedy for your illness.

"It will work?"

“I hope so,” he said, entering your room to sit next to you on the mattress. “I'll stay here for a few minutes to make sure you can sleep and then I'll leave, is that okay with you?”

“It's excellent,” you answered nervously, while you took the candy that your friend had made especially for you. It was shaped like a small moon and glowed inside. “What is it made of?”

“I'll tell you in the morning, when you wake up.”

His feet moved slightly, showing his excitement, and that seemed to rub off on you. Glory seemed so close and you could reach it with a couple of bites, but before that you leaned down to wrap the boy in a hug.

“Thank you for trying this for me. I know it will work, but… even if it doesn't work, you know I appreciate it.”

“Don't say that, it will work” he replied, with complete confidence.

Without further ado, you put the candy in your mouth and tasted it. You couldn't identify any ingredients, but it tasted delicious and cozy, somehow. Although you wanted to compliment your friend's work just a second after the candy had melted on your tongue, you were already feeling how everything around you was becoming heavy, as if the accumulated fatigue had hit you suddenly.

You were already unconscious when Willy trapped you in his arms and laid you carefully on the bed, completely happy to see that his creation had had such an immediate effect. As a farewell, he covered you with a sheet and kissed your forehead, going to his room to recreate an entire jar of chocolates that would ensure your rest for long enough.

[lovelytsunoda]

you, me, lonely | mercedes amg (platonic)

summary: life is kicking baby mercs ass, and nothing has been alright since the last time she watched a brat pack movie. her head is too loud, life is moving fast, and she just wishes she knew how to stop and take a breath

pairing: mercedes amg (platonic) team x female! reader (but this one is real heavy on her interactions with lewis!)

warnings: y'all should know these by now tbh, there will be some anxiety and there will be feels and my girl is on the verge of a breakdown, mentions of pregnancy (not on baby mercs part lmao), she is finally ready to admit that maybe she should think about going to therapy.

part of the family is the friends we meet along the way series

her mind froze as she stared at the text on her screen, phone lying next to the keyboard of her work computer. she'd read the message three times over, and it still wasn't quite clicking.

clement: i thought you'd want to hear it from us before it hit the gossip rags....olli's new girlfriend is pregnant.

that shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. olli wasn't hers. she'd made it clear that she didn't want him after he'd kissed her at that holiday party.

so why was there an achy feeling her gut?

why did her head feel so loud that it might explode?

"hello? earth to yn?" the soft voice called her out of her reverie, and she looked up from her desk to see a worried lewis standing in front of her desk. "are you alright, kiddo?"

"yeah." she said, not really meaning it as she brushed some hair out of her face.

crazy how he was her first (and only) kiss two years ago, and now he was having a baby with someone else. she'd already blocked his number, and there was no point in sending him well wishes considering just how burned that bridge was.

"you don't look fine." lewis pushed gently. "a problem shared is a problem halved."

she sighed, locking her computer and tucking away her phone. "join me for a walk? i need to take my mandatory fifteen."

she grabbed her sherpa jacket from the back of her desk chair, heading towards brackley's patio doors. the cool fall air slapped her in the face as she pushed them open, moving to stand at the corner of the deck, attempting to soak up the last of what little sun england gets.

"remember that guy i kissed at marcus armstrong's holiday party a few years back?"

lewis nodded. "i do recall."

"he's going to be a father in march." she sighed, watching her breath turn to mist in the air. "somebody wanted him, but nobody has wanted me since him."

she knew in her heart of hearts that she hadn't really tried. she hadn't even really wanted olli when she thought about it. she couldn't date a driver, especially knowing that she would almost always come second to his career.

"and now with you leaving and graduation drawing closer, i just feel like my fucking head is about to explode." she laughed grimly, a realization coming over her. "i'm mentally ill, lewis. i need help. and it has taken me five fucking years to get to the point where i've felt like i could ask for it."

lewis could hear her voice cracking, and he didn't have to turn and look at her to know that she was close to tears. he silently reached out to pull her into a hug, not wanting to push too far, but also wanting to offer the reassurane and comfort that he knew she needed.

"the first step is admitting you need help. we have some of the best therapists in our industry here, yn. and if none of them work, we'll find out which ones are covered by your healthcare plan."

she resisted the urge to sink deeper into his arms with a hearty sob, instead choosing to focus on the grounding smell of his cologne, the feel of his strong, tattooed arms around her.

"and just because i'm at ferrari doesn't mean im gone for good." lewis reminded, pulling away to make sure she looked him in the eyes. "you know that i'm one phone call away, whenever you need me, right?'

she nodded weakly, thinking about the long distance calling fees and the timezones, and all the other reasons why lewis' grand plan might not work.

"i wish you weren't leaving me." she mumbled, hoping that even if lewis heard her say that, that he wouldn;t feel guilty. she knew deep down that he wasn't leaving her, but leaving a team that he felt could no longer build him the car he needed.

"you can call me any time, hey. and mostly everyone else will still be here. you'll still see me on race weekends. besides, once you graduate, you'll be too focused and too busy to have time for us anyways."

that was true. she couldn;t work here forever. sooner or later, it would all end and she'd find herself working in a county courthouse or a small family firm.

maybe somewhere coastal, like devon or halifax. her next big adventure, far away from home.

if she could make it through therapy first. lewis made her promise to talk to toto, who would be able to arrange a meeting with one of the on-staff psychologists for her. she'd met a fewof them in and around the break room, and they seemed personable.

like the kind of people that wouldn't judge the firestorm going on inside her brain at all hours.

they both knew it wasn't going to be a permanent fix, and that there were bigger, different things coming to the mercedes amg headquarters in the next season, including a seventeen year old boy who's gross income was about four times what baby merc could veer hope to earn.

but she was really starting to find her footing here. all she could hope for now was that she managed to keep it until graduation.

she felt somewhat lighter after her talk. being social had never been her forte, and she only somewhat conversed with the ladies in the legal office. talking was hard, she found.

but as lewis walked her back to her desk, and she took a look at her stack of files again, she felt better, albeit slightly.

"hey, yn." elodie, the tall and funny goth girl who worked at the desk next to her stuck her head over the glass dividers. "a few of us were going to grab a drink later and maybe go catch a late movie. did you want to come with us? don't at all feel like you have to say yes if you don't want to. i think doriane is coming, as well as-"

"elodie." she said, smiling to herself. "i would love to tag along. thank you for inviting me."

elodie grinned. "no problem, girlie. we're all going to meet in the front lobby. susie recommended this incredible cider place, and we try to go at least once a year once fall hits."

with her heart feeling a little lighter, and her spirit a little warmer, she turned back to her computer, a small, dainty smile on her face.

maybe making new friends outside of her post secondary education wasn't going to be as hard as she thought.

after all, didn't it only take one conversation to gain the great lewis hamilton as her most trusted ally?

she was so fortunate to work somewhere where everybody cared so much about each other, and that was the thought that she pledged to hang onto during her loneliest of hours from now on.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hey so, maybe an odd question, but did you feel like a different person when you started T? I’m a trans guy and am trying to figure out weather I want to do hormones. A lot of the physical effects sound really great, but I’m kind of scared of what it might do to me mentally. A friend of mine has to take it for medical purposes and he absolutely HATES it. He feels like it turns him into an entirely different person that he hates being and completely destroys his capacity for creativity or emotions of any kind. This can’t be everybody’s experience right?

Heya! Answering this on public for folks to chime in with their own personal anecdotes. (Including bad emotional effects - let's be respectful that not everyone has a great HRT experience. I'd imagine each of us struggles with something we don't like about T.)

Testosterone took the edges off my negative emotions. I stopped frustration crying nearly overnight and got a lot less irritable. My explosive temper went down to a low simmer. I suddenly felt like I had patience for the first time in my life. I don't have as many autistic meltdowns now, and when they do happen, it's more me pacing in circles than breaking something.

I still feel emotions like sadness, but it's harder to physically cry. I haven't noticed any changes to my creativity. I feel happier, but that has more to do with not being closeted anymore.

I'm definitely hornier on T, and that sometimes converts into irritability, something I can control with mindful behavior.

What can shock some trans folks is that HRT won't solve all your mental problems. Testosterone has not helped my Depression that's unrelated to gender dysphoria, so I still battle with cycles of wretched ennui. It also hasn't helped my ADHD, and I sometimes wonder if it's even made me a bit more forgetful. That said, HRT removed a ton of background radiation in my life to where I am now better equipped to deal with my mental illnesses.

Even though my experience has been overwhelmingly positive, I have had a few trans masc folks tell me that they felt like T deadened their emotions in an unpleasant way. The odds are in your favor, but it sucks if you're the one who gets bad results. But I would imagine that your emotions would recalibrate once you'd stop HRT.

But overall, I felt like I was trapped in teenage-level emotional turmoil well into my 30s (when I transitioned), and T makes me feel like an even-keeled adult. I am the same person as before, but a better version of that person.

I hope that helps. When considering HRT, it's important to remember that you can just try it out and stop if you don't like it. There will be tradeoffs, both permanent and reversible, so learning about those will definitely help in your decision here. But you have a lot of control here, especially when you jump in aware.

If you go for it, keep a mood journal and make it a topic to discuss with a therapist or other trans folks. Wishing you all the best!

[voidfanatic]

Tw: Themes of mental illness. (Also, there's spoilers for the new Solarballs episode and possibly broken English).

I watched the new Solarballs episode and like other people have already mentioned, Uranus is NOT doing well.

He's, in my opinion, mentally unwell in a more discret way than other characters like Neptune, Earth and Jupiter. Characters like them, with their memory and identity problems (Neptune), depressive episodes (Earth) and boderline paranoia (Jupiter) are obvious examples of bad mental health overall, but Uranus is there too with them to be honest. He's insecure asf and clearly has a low self-steem, and the new episode really showcased that.

He has like, no principles at all. He doesn't care that the guy who basically acted as an older brother to everyone is now gone (he doesn't seem conflicted about what Jupiter did, he just... got over it) and he doesn't mind X basically bullying Saturn (even though Saturn became his friend in the searching for Neptune arc). Don't get me wrong, X has all of the right reasons to be mean to those two, but Uranus really doesn't. He doesn't care unlike Neptune because X is going to give him what he wants: recognition, respect, -atention-. That's what he wants.

Because he's just known as the "stinky planet", the "one with the funny name" and probably discount Saturn. His social skills are lackluster, his only friends are the guy who is better than him and his honorary cousin who is gone like 50% of the time. For heavens sake, they don't even have that much in common. And we can't forget that he doesn't even get to say anything about the "big matter at the moment" a majority of the time. He's irrelevant not because he thinks he is, he's irrelevant because he actually is. That's why he acts like an asshole sometimes (wich I'm not justifying, I'm just stating the reasons) just to get validation.

And, personally, I like this direction. Sure, it won't work if Solarballs keeps refusing to give him his own arc or at least make him more relevant overall, but I do think it fits him.

[dunechkka]

The void and the reason why maybe you haven't been able to enter it.

I was doubtful about writing this, considering i literally was going to post my process with adambja's tapes because it was a requirement to have access to the tapes and not because i wanted to start a blog or wanting people to notice me; but I haven't seen anyone talking about this, and I think it is really important. (Maybe there is someone that already did, but I haven't seen it (^_^)v)

I've seen so many posts and blogs talking about "fulfillment", "perfect self concept", "law of assumption" and other things more. But the thing is, there's people, (like myself) that always struggle for this thing for "always thinking from an objective pov", they're too stubborn to belive in this, or a mental illness or struggles with mental health gets in the way

(Long text ahead)

For context.

I get it, and you may really want to enter the void, and you just can't for some reason. But there's this thing that I'm starting to belive that it may be right, and that I, even now, hate it with all my heart when people say it, is that "everything has its right time". Impatient people, I'm talking to you specially (((￣へ￣井)

But you may be desiring things that would come out wrong or won't be right for you right now (your age, your situation, or other factors). I can put myself as an example, (even though is embarrassing, but bare with me) I used to be an impressionable child, and I'm not saying that I'm not right now, now that I've grown; but when I think about the things I wanted back then, I'm really grateful it didn't come truth.

For example: I really wanted to be with this guy, but, 1) He was like a dog, flirting and kissing all the girls in my school; and 2) he was 15 and I was 12, (you may be thinking: it's only a 3 year gap Dunia, is not that bad) but when you're a teen it is a really big gap due to experience and other things that comes at a certain age. If it come after is fine, but it shouldn't come before.

Another one is that there were these two sisters who were my seniors. I really wanted to be friends with them and be like them, cause i thought they were really cool, but they used to consume a lot of drugs. They drugged one of my friends, who was in the same classroom as them, without him noticing. He was 16, back then. (it was GHB or "fraga." That's how we call it in my country. It gets you high with just smelling it) and got another one of my friends (15 y/o) to take drugs. He had to go to rehabilitation because he became an addict. (I was in a bad environment, I know)

Or one time that my life was becoming really boring I really wanted some action, i started to read a book and it was so amazing that I wanted to live that same kind of life as them. Now that I think about it, that kind of life was really boring too, and in some way stupid if you think about it.

And lastly, back when I was in school I was close to this girls and I wanted to be with them all the time, but something I didn't realized, is that they used to humiliate me a lot and bully me constantly. And I was so dumb that I didn't notice that that was bullying (＃￣З￣)

Now to the point

Where I want to get with this is that you have to think two, three, four, or a thousand times more before asking what you want when you get to enter the void. Because that's a "yes or yes" situation. In the void, you're supposed to get all you want in a second. And if you're not in a good environment (if you want to change it, then there wouldn't be any problem) like I used to be. Or you may not be in a good mental state for asking of things (unless you want to get well), for example, the ug subliminal community (Don't attack them). You can find a lot of nasty things there. From having lupus or cancer to manifesting someone else's death and for it to be horrible.

I was there for a while, but I only wanted to get a nose bleed to skip class. Or a gun or knife to have something to defend myself cause the sector my school was in was really a dangerous place. Two of my classmates got robbed with a revolver pointed at their head, and a dude that was "lost" was found dead wrapped in plastuc bags close to my school (I live in Latam, so it's understandable (ー_ー;))

So be careful with what you ask, cause you may want things because of your situation and not because you really want it. So remember to be kind to people and especially to yourself. Cause you're the only one who's going to be with you for the rest of your life. Not to be that positive person who forces or pushes people to be positive, too. You can feel like shit if you want, and you don't even have to "love" or "accept" yourself. Just learn to live comfortably or at peace with your own persona and mind. That'll be enough.

Also, there is no such thing as "perfect self concept." Like, who even decided that? If for some magical happening of the destiny, everyone decided that the "perfect concept" was to be suicidal and a sadist, everyone would want to be that? Of course not! (No shame to suicidal people, btw, I know is hard. It is only for the example). Once again, it is enough to be able to live with yourself. Don't pressure yourself to be positive, and "sparks and sunshines everywhere" all the time. Remember, being kind is enough. To yourself and to others. ﾟ.+:｡∩(・v・)∩ﾟ.+:｡

Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry if there are any mistakes or its hard to understand. English is not my native language. But I hope I made the point of this understandable. (*ゝω･*)

Bye. .ﾟ+.(・∀・)ﾟ+.ﾟ

[shimmeringweeds]

This sequence was so beautiful. The twins have yet again torn a hole in my heart.

The knowledge that Li Tianxi's muteness is psychological, to start. There are four known causes of muteness. Three out of four involve brain damage, and with an abusive father, I could not discount that possibility. It is stated that Li Tianxi's mental growth is underdeveloped, but brain damage is not the reason she can't speak verbally--

The reveal tore at me, because it hits a little close to home.

It's a cliche, but it's also the truth. Kids deeply internalize the problems of their loved ones. They really blame themselves, however irrational it might be to the adult mind. If a problem could be solved-- if everyone would be happy if they simply shut up? Done deal. Not all people find power in their voices. Some only find pain.

Li Tianxi signs words she has been taught. Words she has been given permission to use. Words she knows will make other's happy. Words that won't hurt.

Li Tianchen's trauma runs deep too, but he internalizes it differently. He hears all the rumors spread about his family. He notices the lack of rumor surrounding Li Fan's abuse.

So when he picks up a call from a hospital for the mentally ill?

He's too young to understand. Liu Lan (I apologize for doubting you) does seem to realize that trauma is the root of her families' problem; she's seeking positive help for all of them. But Li Tianchen only knows rumors born of mean spirits. I'm willing to bet he's heard some nasty things regarding Li Tianxi and now the repulsion runs deep. Those mean things aren't his sister. He doesn't hold back. He fights.

He's doing the right thing. Li Fan is the bad guy. Everything will be okay once he's gone. He's doing the right thing. "We got rid of that jerk forever, right?"

So then why--

WHY...?

Why did it all go so wrong?

This isn't what he wanted.

-------------Why did things get even worse when I tried.--------------

Tianxi runs away impulsively from a horrifying situation, but all of her actions during this season have been aimed at keeping her brother. Like she want's him to follow her, away, towards something - anything-better.

Reaching out to a future, but tied down by the past in all directions.

They can't escape.

Its OK. I'm here.

Li Tianchen is her tie to the past. And she is his. In order to reach the future, they had to say goodbye.

Honesty, my mind cannot understand why Li Tianchen listens to Li Tianxi's demand that he run. A scared child, running away from regrets? Running away from a tragedy he knows he had a hand in causing? Or does he understand something deeper?

Li Tianxi is determined that this must happen.

And, so, this time he is the one who runs.

Li Tianxi may have found her way home, to a future. But Li Tianchen is still lost, running deeper, deeper, deeper into the forest......

And the light he finds, is yet another false hope.

"To turn all uncertainties, into certainties."

Is such a thing really possible?

[creepy-friday]

Ok ok

Hear me out

👀

Imagine if the Proxies were in any type of relationship with Y/N, and Y/N isn't a proxy or maid or anything.

And Y/N got pregnant 💀

Brownie points if the baby is a girl-.

Notes: the reader is in an established relationship with them,and kept the pregnancy a secret until the only option was for the baby to be born

Warnings: pregnancy mentions,yandere tendencies in Brian's part,mental illness in Toby's and misogyny in Tim's

Special thanks to @spookyravioli for the inspiration♡

"Oh.Oh." Toby's first reaction is shock and slowly the feeling of dread would start to overcome him

He never imagined himself as a lover,let alone the tought of becoming a parent.Toughts of his own father started to beat him up,and insecurity spread trough him like a disease

He needs A LOT of reassurance in order for him to not break down.During the pregnancy he would be very supportive partner and would try to keep you as happy as possible

He bought a shit ton of books,from parenthood guide books to kids ones that he would often read to calm down

When the daughter was born,multiple thoughts entered his brain."I'm a father now." sounds both bittersweet and scary to him

This was the time when he started to take medicine for his outbursts,not only for him,but for both yourself and the baby's sake

As much as he wanted to not traumatize his daughter,he couldn't help but make her be constantly on edge

She wasn't afraid of him,but rather wary,slowly understanding that her father wasn't always in the right place

Despite his early efforts,I can see as the daughter grows up she would start to resent him from all the things that he hides away from her to the way he seems off putting

Because Toby's workplace is a demanding one,I can see him completely giving up on meds and having angry withdrawals because of it

That's why it will be up to the daughter to either sugarcoat the way her father is or to step up and overgrow him

Surprisingly,Masky's first tought isn't to go buy milk.Instead,he takes his time to reason with you and to list all the complication the baby will come with

He tries to be a good lover to you,he really doesn't want the of risk losing you because of his shitty moods,that's why he genuinely tries to not stress you out during the pregnancy

Tim will take care of anything you need,even if he would mutter something under his breath,all he does is for you.In his mind,if he loses you he will lose himself as well,that's why he's so eager to please you

After getting into a verbal fight with half of the hospital personnel,he almost lost his mind when he heard that he was having a daughter

He grew up distant for a while,and was passive aggressive while taking care of the baby,as if her whole existence's worth is based off her gender

After he became warmer to you he became colder to the daughter as time flew by and she grew older

"It's because you're a girl" ; "This isn't a girl's job" ; "Are you really going to wear that?Unfit for a girl"

I can see the daughter growing up to break down her father's stereotypes,but at the same time battling with his inner demons

She might have addiction problems and become obsessive over subjects she can have control over

If the mother doesn't do anything about it,I can see the daughter having a history with battling the same type of mental illness her father had

Brian knew all along about your pregnancy,and secretly enjoyed the tought of something or someone to keep both of you forever together

After all,the baby is the living proof of your love,that's what he believes

He made sure you're kept safe and get the best health care from other women doctors/nurses,he doesn't trust male personnel

Brian was an implicated parent,altough he heavily wanted as little communication as possible from you and the outside world

From the time the daughter became a toddler,he started to grow those sick ideas into her little head about how ugly society is

As time flew by,he already convinced her that all men are beasts,and that the only safe resort she has are her parents

He not only made both yourself and your daughter paranoid,but made sure that the others would avoid interacting with both of you by saying things like "oh,my wife became mentally ill because of pregnancy complications..please do not stress her out"

If the daughter grows suspicious about her father's occupation,she would keep it a secret from her panicked mother and would try to figure it out herself,all while trying not to give Brian any clue about it

Brian genuinely thinks he made a safe space for his family,and without the reader's reasoning I can see both the reader and her daughter having a limited life inside the cabin and the forest

[bibibbon]

if we're talking personality disorders (of the cluster b variety). obvi its not 1=1 but its far more likely and reasonable to say toga has bpd (with izuku or ochako being her "favorite person") than aspd. also when people call villains (or characters they don't like (← seen this one more than the first tbh)) "unsympathetic psychopaths", it really feels like they know nothing about aspd, personality disorders, and how they form. It also just feels kind of ableist towards real people with aspd? idk maybe i'm seeing things that's aren't there

These people know that aspd (and other personality disorders) form due to outside factors right? obvi there's the genetic factors but that just increases the possibility. these outside factors typically tends to be factors that is in some way traumatic for the person in question like emotional/mental abuse or neglect (*gestures to dabi*)

if anything, based off of that alone, toga being a "psychopath" just makes her more sympathetic in my eyes and people around her even more unsympathetic than they already are and I doubt anyone calling her a "psychopath" without aspd in mind wants that

.

.

.

this is also how i feel about people needless throwing around the word "narcissistic"* when it comes describing bakugo. (saying this as someone isn't a fan of him). bakugo with npd** could make him a more interesting if written correctly*** tbh and could probably be backed up in canon but in turn it would force people to seriously think and question if he actually had a good childhood and good parents… which from what i've seen alot of anti-bakugo people (including the ones that call him a "narcissistic") believe he has

*i'm sure there's bakugo stans out there call him "narcissistic" without npd in mind but atm i've only seen bakugo antis do that

**same with aspd

***without portraying bakugo as an ableist stereotype and/or excusing his actions

.

sorry abt the rant i'm just tired of the demonization surrounding personality disorders

You're definitely correct anon in saying that people tend to use words they either don't know the full meaning of or just mental health issues to demonise characters they don't like and this is a problem within all fandoms I have interacted with not only MHA.

When people use the words "psychopath" or "narcissist" it's rare to see them using it in the right context as most of the time it's used to demonise a character. For example take atla I have seen plenty of people label azula a psychopath but they do that to demonise and dehumanise her not to actually say that she is mentally ill. The same thing is done with characters like toga, Dabi, shigaraki and more!

Now I know that you're mainly quoting of the ask that @sapphic-agent sent me and actually she has made it clear that she doesn't view toga as psychopath and actually brought light to the issue of people dehumanising and purposefully misinterpreting the leauge. Now I don't know much about aspd in general but from what I have seen toga does seem to have some symptoms of aspd but it also makes sense to speculate that she may have BPD (none of this is cannonically confirmed but they would make for some interesting headcanons). Also like you mentioned it would be incredibly interesting to explore how toga got to such a mental state in the first place as mental health issues can happen to a variety of reasons for example or could be an environmental or social issue as we see that toga wasn't given the right support at home and was taught to simply build a mask and burry her urges deep down until it all broke and she broke, toga associated blood and cannibalism with love and self expression from early on. Also, it could be a biological factor since toga was born with a strong fascination for blood.

Overall, toga and her mental state is heavily influenced from all of those factors and it would be interesting if she was cannoncially diagnosed and had that be explored in depth.

However, mha does already have a character who is heavily implied to be mentally ill which is twice. Twice is heavily implied within the show to suffer from DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I think the way horikoshi presents this is really interesting it's to the point that it's incredibly integral to twice's character whether that be his name or what his quirk is.

We see exactly how his mental state worsens in his backstory and how he has reached his breaking point multiple times. Twice is also presented as the most redeemable of the leauge and we see that even with that the system doesn't care for him as twice mercilessly kills him even though he had a high and good chance of being saved and redeemed.

I do wish that hori spent a bit more time delving deeper into twice and developing him before killing him off while also making his death have a long lasting impact between characters (specifically the league)

I think what's interesting is that hori doesn't demonise jin for his mental issues but addresses them in a serious manner and a lot of the scenes where we do see him struggling we are able to feel a lot of sympathy for him.

This ends up being the exact opposite of what people usually do by demonising mental health and using it to dehumanise characters. Horikoshi uses it to humanise his characters whether that be twice who struggles with DID or tamaki who struggles with social anxiety. These issues are brought to light and aren't a one time thing but it's something that's integral to their character.

Now, moving onto my final comment : yep it's bakugo!

I admit that I have seen many bakugo antis and critiques label bakugo as a narcissist. I also believe that they don't inherently speak of the mental disorder when labeling him in such a way but use the word in exchange of other terms for bakugo like self 'absorbed' or 'selfish' or 'only cares for himself' etc.

Now, I agree this is bad and shouldn't be done. I do however want to offer my own view on this subject (iam also a big bakugo critic/anti) I personally don't think that bakugo suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder and I don't think that mitsuki is abusive towards her son.

I think that the scene with mitsuki hitting bakugo was played in a comedic light. This is the only scene we see mitsuki act aggressive towards bakugo in the whole manga while in the other scene she expresses concern over her son (for example katsuki doesn't like rain etc). I think @delawaredetroit post surrounding this has the best explanation

I also want to add the fact that bakugo feels comfortable enough to sit next his mother. He is right in between his parents (he could of sat away from her closer to his father if he wanted to but he didnt). Bakugo also feels comfortable enough to express himself in such a manner whether that be him calling his mother "hag" or also shouting at her when he is equally pissed off.

I do think that because the manga had already made it clear that abuse was a theme that was in the story and gave us an example of abuse (the todoroki family) that many did raise their heads at this scene and may of been concerned that this is abuse when it's not but its hard to spot since it's being presented in such a weird manner.

You do have a point bakugo's behaviour comes from somewhere and that's not talked about enough. I personally think that horikoshi didn't explore how society influenced bakugo's behaviour and his raging quirkless discrimation (maybe it's because hori didn't want to paint bakugo in such a bad light so he didn't make him prejudiced against the quirkless and didn't explore the theme of quirkless discirmation that he implemented into the story). There is also the superiority and inferiority complexes that bakugo seems to have that could be a result of a mixture of factors (biological, social and environmental) Now his brash behaviour could come biologically from his mother and it turned worse due to his environment where he was built up to be this guy who had everything so he should be happy as he fits into the status quo.

Tldr: mental health shouldn't be used as an excuse but it also shouldn't be used to demonise characters either.

[mrstellmeafuckingsecret]

devils dont fly as andromeda tonks

bye

um

i cant take this seriously.

basicallyyy this song is very loss anger love helplessness and like what is andromeda black if not that right haha. so here's a random ass lyrical breakdown.

i heard the angels call again

the black family as the 'angels' of course. we know they canonically had a inflated sense of self, since no one really gives a fuck about the sacred 28 but they acted 'like royalty' (according to sirius). also, the purity aspect of it. she doesn't associate herself with them anymore, so it's 'the angels' - it's a them, like she's different.

i threw myself a party, chardonnay and oxy

grr she's an alcoholic and druggie. sorry. she didn't have support, i don't know what friends or anything she'd have excluding ted. she lost her sisters, her family, her name - she drinks to forget.

i stopped the screams inside my head

mentally ill queen purr

they say it's not the answer but i can't carry on

she's tired!! she can't go on with this!! it's hard!! it's not an answer to any of her problems and it's eating her alive but what can she do

'cause i got nowhere, no one, without you boy i'm done

she only really has ted right now. she doesn't have a place or a family without him/

and just because i fight don't mean that i never learned how to love

AHH okay. black family = toxic love. she knows how to love - she grew up spoiled and pampered. that being said, it's not the kind of love she wants to continue on with. she doesn't want to take food off of her daughter's plate or scream at her husband because 'it's for their betterment'. it comes off as fighting, as needlessly argumentative. so she leans into it - she fights, teeth bared.

you know devils don't fly (fly, fly)

she's the devil, now. she's tainted - no longer the pure girl she grew up as, she's fallen from grace by marrying a muggleborn, she won't be able to fit into the same societies she once did.

but i got chains and you got wings

queer andromeda queer andromeda queer andromeda

she's chained down by who she loves, it's not like she can help it. her sisters fell in love with people who wouldn't bring them shame, but she didn't. she fell in love with something that leaves her dirty.

you know that life ain't fair sometimes

self explanatory.

what's a girl to do when she's not strong

she's not strong anymore - she's an addict, she's depressed. she's lonely, what can she do?

when everyone that holds my hand gets cut from all the thorns

she fights with ted. she fights with nymphadora (or tonks, as she prefers to go by). she fought with narcissa and bellatrix. she's marked by her family, and instead of repressing it she spits venom - she goes for the kill, where she knows it hurts. they're trying to help, in what way they know, at least, but she doesn't need help. she doesn't want it. she needs a shoulder to cry on.

i used to put my ear against the wall to hear the screams, to hear the fall more reasons to escape it all

self explanatory. she's heard her parents' fights turn into her sisters' fights and she wanted to leave leave leave

and it's not the answer but i can't carry on i give my best smile, my last dime but i always get it wrong

self explanatory.

it's not 'cause i'm young or from a broken home

excuses, excuses. people tell her she's sad because of x and y. the bigger problem is>

maybe i just fight 'cause i don't know where i belong

<she's lonely!! she doesn't know where she belongs, she feels like a beginner in a master class as she's navigating life, it's new and scary and she doesn't know how to explain it.

angels were never meant to fall and you were the loveliest of all

narcissa @ andromeda or andromeda @ bellatrix . figure it out.

if i thought god could fix it i'd pray for your forgiveness but i've been cast down, thrown out when i crossed to the other side

QUEER ANDROMEDA 🫵🏼

rip

bye

this was fun

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[yournewlodger]

I think the self-built criminal empire "drag yourself up by the bootstraps" ification of Oswald Cobblepot is indicative of a larger problem with Batman that refuses to address that hey, maybe billionaire politicians who hoard all the wealth with a refusal to relate to or in any way help the less fortunate, are bad maybe. Like of course the Penguin is a self-made criminal immigrant mob boss, because these days you can only be a Batman villain if you are 1.) Mentally Ill or 2.) An Immigrant. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with characters being immigrants. Before you say "how dare you piss on the poor" please understand I'm talking about intent when you see these characters always presented as villains.

And I'm all for reimagining characters for the modern lens, and I fully understand the inherent problematic nature of a character like The Penguin, and maybe I will be Bobo the Fool when The Penguin (the show) comes out, but I think reframing the Penguin as something out of The Godfather severely misses the point. Not only because never more have I wanted superhero media to critique billionaire criminal politicians running for public office (historically, the Penguin's whole bit), but because we don't need the Penguin to be something out of The Godfather. We have someone for that already. And clearly they know that. Because his name is Carmine Falcone.

I think that this notion that the only crime in Gotham City has to be drugs, prostitution, human trafficking, and domestic terrorism severely misunderstands the inherent whimsical nature of superheroes, and historically the Penguin. I mean we are circlejerking into infinity a self-hatred in superhero media. His name isn't even Oswald Cobblepot anymore. When's the last time the Penguin had an umbrella?

And here's the thing. I like Gotham (2014 - 2019). I do. But that universe at least understood that the Penguin is aesthetically ridiculous. Try as they may to present him as a threat, but he will always be a guy who calls himself Penguin.

I do think this problem started with Batman Returns. I'm not here explicitly to critique that version of the Penguin, but I do think it's where we began to lose the plot. Because once again the Penguin is presented as an underdog, a minority, an outcast. And again I ask you to think about intent when the Penguin is a villain and Batman is not. But that movie had Max Shreck to balance it out. What do we have now?

They are so, so allergic to presenting the rich as villains, because they'd be calling themselves out. Because calling the Penguin what he is, a cartoonish portrayal of a wealthy Gilded Age capitalist who preys on the less fortunate to further and further elevate his own wealth, doesn't align with their messaging, which is "billionaires are so awesome, and more importantly, infallible." The Penguin is meant to be an antithesis to Bruce Wayne, who is also generationally wealthy, but most importantly a philanthropist. Bruce Wayne is supposed to be someone who dedicates all he has to making Gotham City a better place, which also includes helping reform Gotham’s villains. But these days we see a man who more and more seems less like a hero, and more like a Penguin. Because if Bruce Wayne cared about Gotham City, really cared, beating every one of his villains to a pulp, just shy of his "no kill" quota, would be less of his focus. I mean how does a man with near unlimited resources allow institutions like Arkham Asylum to exist, let alone send his bad guys there?

And yeah, I know. The answer is the Batman mythos has turned it into The Good Place. His world is too complicated to do any real good. And yes, I know, it mirrors our world too. But why is it that the people who are pointing out that corruption, these We Live In A Society types, the villains? Why are they always the one presented as "insane" for pointing out what's right in front of them? And when's the last time Bruce Wayne did charity work, anyway? Tell me, who are we supposed to be rooting for in the end?

Anyway, the summary is this: The Penguin isn't a Capitalist anymore. The Penguin isn't even a Cobblepot anymore. Who is he? Because he isn't the Fine Feathered Fink I know. And we all know why. And personally, I'm sick of it.

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[byrdstrolls]

Ethic

“Isn’t it weird tho. Like all reservations aside. All precognitions on tarot and it’s validity reserved. Just- in and of itself, don’t you think it’s weird that every reading I do about this I always get these exact cards in this exact order?” Nesseo exhales. 

You are blinking tiredly at your computer screen across the dining table. 

“I don’t know. Shit. I’d probably just say you’re not shuffling them correctly.” You huff, glancing back at your sibling. 

“I know I’m-” Nesseo snaps back, stopping abruptly, swallowing their frustration. “I’ve been” They say, coating the word with emphasis- “Shuffling. You know I didn’t believe in this shit to begin with either. I just. Can you admit that it’s weird?” 

“Okay” You say, pushing up your glasses. “It’s weird.” 

“Yeah” They reply. “It’s weird.” 

There is then a wanting pause, as if they needed more in the response than that, some expectation had gone unspoken. Nesseo stares at you for a long moment, before raising their eyebrows pointedly, a mimed and silent ‘and…?’ to add to their sentence. 

“Ness” You say, frustrated. “If you have a fucking, non tarot based complaint I’d love to hear it.” 

“What is the probability of this, even? If the universe wanted to beat us over the head with an omen-” 

“How many cards are in that deck?” You prompt. 

“Seventy eight.” They reply. 

You stuff some numbers into your computer’s calculator, just because you can.

“Then in a three card spread, if shuffled properly, there is a 1/474,552 possibility that you get those three cards in that order.” You say. 

“See! One in nearly five thousand, that's weird” They insist. 

“But. But Nesseo, it's not necessarily any more or less unlikely than any other fucking three card spread in existence. Which is also 1/474,552” You say, peering into your coffee, finding it empty.

“If Mondes came to you. With an obvious ill omen. Would you listen to him?” Ness accuses. 

“No.” You retort. “Because I make my decisions based on facts.” 

“Yeah right” They mutter to their cards as they shuffle. “You wouldn’t say it like that.” They whisper aside. 

You close your laptop lid. Some part of you is passingly aware of how tired you are, that you stayed up late last day looking twice over through the fleet files, that it’s the gentle toxic touch of a headache pounding near your sinuses you’re angry with, and not your younger sibling, but not aware enough to cut this conversation short when it was so unceremoniously handed off to you. 

“I’m sorry.” You say. “Do you have a fucking problem you’d like to speak a little louder on?” 

“I don’t know Hanagi.” Nesseo says. “Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am stupid.” 

“I didn’t say that-” You interject, but they continue as if they haven’t heard you. 

“The guy at my AA meetings was like, ‘Nesseo, you should get a hobby’ So I did. But now that I’m actually good at the tarot cards, everyone's like shut up Nesseo, get a reallll hobby, you’re so cringe with those things showing obvious signs of mental illness. You’re so annoying now we prefered you when you were-” 

“Don’t say that” You reply gently, sensing the end of the sentence. “I’m happy you’re having fun, Ness, really, but I'm not gonna suddenly integrate cards based decision making into my belief system because of it.” 

“Five times” They hiss. “Five times, I got this exact spread.”

“I’m glad you’re sober, and you’re finding fucking, new ways to spend your time, really. But I think you’re taking this a little too seriously.” 

“Yeah, one sweep sober. The six perigee chip, the sweep chip- they’re running out of awards to give me. I’d like to thank my lusus and the academy.” They mumble.

You sit still at the table, staring, as you often are, unsure of what to say, how to bridge the gap of the wealth that you do not and can not understand. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You say quietly. “Everyones still really proud of you.” 

“‘Still’” They say, rolling closer to you. “Is that a threat?” They retort. 

“No!” You snap back. 

“I thought…” They trail off, their gaze trapped at a fixed point on the wall. 

“...What?” You prompt. 

“I thought if I was sober you guys would treat me different.” They say, so quietly you almost can’t hear. 

“Ness” You say softly. 

“This thing. It’ll fail” They say. 

“No Ness,” You stutter, your panic really starting to set in. “Your sobriety is not going to fail-” 

“Not my sobriety Hanagi! This!” They say, gesturing at your laptop. “This whole, stupid heist! It’s gonna go ass backwards in a way that fucks up our family even more. All I see. Every reading I do.” 

“We don’t know that-” You defend.

“Yes, we do.” They retort. “Hanagi” They say, voice layered and gruff in a manner not typical of the floaty, ethereal way Nesseo often spoke, They turn away. “I get that like, you weren’t there for the worst of it, okay? When me and Mondes were on the run. You were in space. But it was bad. It was bad bad. I couldn’t tell days apart.” They say, the voice they’re muttering in wavering.  

“I still don’t remember a lot of it. And if you wrap up our family in something that puts me in that position again. I will never forgive you. You can’t dive headfirst into shit that’s gonna make us wanted by the government again and then act like you give a shit about my SOBRIETY.” They snap. 

You shrink under their gaze. 

“I- okay, Ness, you know, if you wanted fucking out you could have just said so. We can find someplace for you.” 

“I don’t want out, I want everyone out, Hanagi. NONE of you should be doing this. Not Mondes, who is trying so hard to act like he doesn’t care about reliving all his shit from his childhood. Not Bee, who is trying to build a life on foundations so fragile they threaten to shatter at any moment. And not YOU, who-” 

“Who what?” You snap. 

They stare at you, a gaze unforgiving in its totality and singularity of emotion. “Who works too much. And needs to give yourself time to process what happened with Dulkyu” They say. 

You are so blindsighted by this you nearly physically stumble. 

“It’s been nearly two sweeps” You mutter, since you and the other eldest Cheong cut ties. 

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you’ve stopped to breathe since” Nesseo dares. And you don’t answer. Because you can’t. Maybe it's not the cards Nesseo is good at. Maybe its people they can pick up and read through, a quick and complete vision all consuming in its scrutiny. 

“Through everything- Daseos, the prison break, Bee- I have been on your side.” Ness pleads. “I backed you even when you were wrong. Just this once, I’m saying don’t do it. Hanagi. Please.” 

“You didn’t see what I saw” You snap back. “In those fucking files. I have a duty to the world as a doctor.” The words feel weak and paper thin in the face of Nesseo’s plea, but you believe them with your whole heart. You took an oath to heal, and you can’t pass the horror’s you’ve seen by. It's easier to stay up late, chipping away at hacking and planning and busywork on your computer than to lay in bed staring at the unforgiving darkness of the ceiling as images from Faeria’s Longse’s medical files play on loop just behind your eyes. 

“Fine” They spit out, “Fine!” They say, preparing to bargain. “If you have to do it, fine. But leave Bee and Mondes out of it. They’re not ready for this.”

“Bee and Mondes” You say slowly. “Are grown adults. Who made their own decisions, based on the same information I had. This” You say, “is not about us, Nesseo” You continue gesturing. “It’s about saving countless lives.”

“Well it's us,” They insist, pointing at the cards on the table. “That are gonna get fucked over.” 

You stare down at the spread they keep trying to explain to you, at Nesseo’s vandalized tarot cards that it’s still so hard to take seriously. 

In one motion, you sweep them off the table. 

“Futures not here yet” You declare, storming off. 

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Several hours later, you are sitting at the kitchen table, arms wrapped around your head. When Mondes comes in from his afternoon class, he does so nearly silently. You only notice the slight melodic jingle as he hangs up his keys, the quiet setting down of his bag on the table. He heads straight for the kitchen, probably hungry from a long day of classes. You are certain he notices your distraught demeanor, but he does not comment on it. Instead saying simply and effectively-

“Hi.”

“Hi” You groan, hearing him open up the fridge behind you. Finally, you pull your face out of your arms, squinting in the afternoon light. You had taken off your glasses, it had been more comfortable moping without them, and everything is blurry. 

“I think I was a total bitch to Nesseo this morning” You say. 

“Yeah” Mondes says, washing some vegetables in the sink. “I heard.” 

“Add it to the list of my-” You were going to say crimes, but you feel a sudden wave of shame overtake you, drowning the word. “Are you also mad at me” 

“No.” He says. “But it sure took you a while to ask me that.” 

“What the fuck do you mean?” You say, your fingers finally finding their way to your glasses, which you put on your face.

“That you never ask me that.” He says. 

“Elaborate.” You request. 

Mondes is silent for a long moment, the only sound in the kitchen the quiet thuds of his knife against the cutting board. 

“I miss you, Hanagi,” He says. 

You swivel your chair around to stare at him, processing his statement. 

“You don’t get to fucking- say that!” You stumble, frustrated. “You don’t get to give me the cold shoulder for perigees and then be like ‘I miss you’”

“Well I can,” He says. “And I did. And it’s true.” 

“Fuck you” You retort. There is a silence, as he continues chopping, the two of you both daring each other to be the first to apologize, and your ego crumbles first.

“I’m sorry.” You say. “I put you in a difficult situation. With Bee.” 

“I don’t even give a fuck anymore” He says. “But why. Did we not just, have this conversation sooner, instead of you just, assuming I was still mad, avoiding the subject, for perigees.” 

“I don’t know, you’d just be like, ‘why the fuck did we bring back Bee’ and I wouldn’t know what to say, like what the fuck could I do, kill her again?” You defend. 

“Why didn’t we talk about it,” He pleads. “instead of you having that conversation in your own head and deciding it finished.” He says, turning around, setting down the knife. “I don’t know. I feel like, you act like I’m a lot more angry and demanding of a person, than I actually am.” He accuses. “Talking about shit doesn’t have to be a huge fight. I know that's what you’re used to, " he says. “Everyone in this family comes into any kind of emotional talk with their hackles already raised. I’ve seen it. And I think I understand why. With the whole. Having a sister who was a telepath and a control freak and a manipulator. But it's just exhausting. When anytime things get serious, everyone is already on the defensive the moment a conversation even starts. You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Hanagi.” 

Why pay for a therapist? When everyone around you seems so sure, they know everything that's going on with you already, your thinkpan monologues, instinctively, but you don't say the words out loud, because you’d just be fulfilling his prophecy. 

“I’m sorry” You say. “I’m working on it” 

“I know,” He says, turning back to his cutting board, firing up the stove. “I’m not mad about Bee anymore. I get it more.” 

“Get what?” You ask, you back straightening. 

“That she really was. You know. Sick.” He says. “And I guess she’s tolerable enough now. So I’m over it.” He says, dumping his peppers and onions into the frying pan. 

“Tolerable enough. High praise.” You joke. 

“Don’t tell her I said that” he jokes back. “I like to keep her on her toes.” 

“My lips are sealed.” You say, staring at him, unable to believe that’s it, the problem you had agonized over for months could be so easily tossed aside by him. A knot inside your ribcage you thought would never come loose slips apart so gently and smoothly it almost gives you whiplash, and you feel a little lightheaded. Disoriented, like walking out of a movie theater into the evening light. 

“Yeah I” You say, your voice wavering in the evening light. “I really fucking missed you, too” You admit. 

The moment is almost subtle enough to miss, but you swear his shoulders ease a little too at this declaration. 

“Ness will come around” He says, turning down the burner. 

“You think?” You reply, trying not to sound too hopeful. 

“Yeah,” He says. “Besides, there aren’t really bad tarot cards.”

“How do you mean?” You ask.

“I’m not, an expert…” He trails off. “But from what little I know about divination, it’s not supposed to be… literal. Death doesn’t just mean someone will die. It means change. It can mean the death of a concept, the passing of time, all kinds of shit.” 

“Could be Faeria dying” You offer. 

“Yeah.” 

“It comforts me” You say. “That you’re not worried. Knowing you’re also like…fucking,  superstitious.” 

“Oh I’m worried.” He says. “It’s just kind of old hat, for me, to be honest. I get ill omens wherever I go and whatever I do. If I died everytime I got a death omen I’d be the worlds most fucked up zombie. Might as well relax and not base every decision I make on that fear.” He rambles. 

“Wh- this happens to you that often?” You say, curious about how casually Mondes refers to such a thing. 

“Sometimes” He says, suddenly mildly abrasive, the word feels like a door stopper putting an end to the middle of the conversation. “You want sauteed veggies?” He asks.

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It can be so comforting how much weight she’s gained, because in moments like these, when the lights are dim and she’s sitting on the bed you share, leafing through papers with a paused quizzical expression, like she’s caught in the tail end of a thought, things look so much like the two of you are back in space again you stiffen. But then you pause, blinking, half awake, only for your breath to ease as you trace the rounder shapes of her cheeks, the comfortable pajama’s she wears, patterned over with isopods, the long cold cup of tea she’s forgotten on the nightstand, pleasures and decadences you would have killed for on that tiny ship. She is the same troll, from the way she dog ears her papers to how she color codes her highlighting, how she sits cross legged and the handwriting in her notes, but in no way is she recognizable as that skeleton that used to haunt you. You sigh, setting down your bag. She gathers up some of her papers, making room for you to sit. 

“Okay” She says. “I also have a weird pitch.” 

“Cryogenics wasn’t weird.” You retort. “It made perfect sense.” 

“Getting Abby,” She says slowly. “And freezing them, so they can’t die in the process of the complex surgery we’ll need to give them to disengage and replace their complicated prosthetics- Arguably weird.” She justifies. 

“It’s the only sensible way to do it” You reply, looking through some of the papers she has about. 

“I know… it’s probably the only way to do it. I just.” She sighs. “It’s weird. To make that decision for Abidel without them knowing. I can’t imagine them saying no. But it feels gross. Not being able to tell them til the literal moment we’re there.” 

“Any communication could put us in jeopardy.” You reply. “But yeah, it sucks and feels like shit.” You concede, sighing. “Like congratulations! You’re free! Now you get to go cryosleep in a lead box until we’re absolutely fucking sure we’ve gotten every single fleet bit out of your body. Not winning any ethics awards for that one. But go on. What’s the new weird pitch?” 

Bee bites her lip, leafing through her papers. 

“Oh, now you’re shy?” You tease, peering over her shoulder. 

“It’s got poetic irony” She says of her plan, before she explains it. 

“I kind of don’t give a shit about poetic irony” You say. “In my heist.” 

“Hear me out-” She begins. “We poison Abidel’s blood.” 

You stare at her. 

“Listen! Not in a way that hurts or kills them. I just. Okay. With The Intoxicant, right? She’s an obsessed megalomaniac. She’s put sweeps of time and fleet funding into this. We free Abby- the only source for the chemical she needs for her pssionic cocaine- she’ll never stop looking for them. Unless. UNLESS.” She pauses to breathe. “Abidel’s blood is unusable. And The Intoxicant, wouldn’t you know it, has a ton of scientific research into how to make people more poisonous.” 

“...I see” You say. “The poetic irony.” 

“Right?”

“I don’t know Bee, it sounds dangerous. And kind of insane.” 

“We ask! We can ask. We can offer, right? If they say no they say no.” She says. 

“I just.” You say, putting your head in your hands. “Fucking, shit, dude. We shouldn’t have to do this shit.” 

“If we can make Abidel useless to Longse” She says. “Then they don’t have to spend the rest of their free life looking over their shoulder.” She says, and then deflates a little, looking back to her paper. “But you know. It’s a weird pitch. We don’t have too. Just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. You said we want backups for our backups for our backups. This is backups upon backups.” 

“It's just kind of deranged” You retort. “Kind of Twitch Demork brained idea. Out of left field, ridiculous, morally questionable, self sacrificing” You rant, standing up and walking back and forth. 

“Yeah, kind of like, unceremonious and unexpected. Like, I don’t know.” She rambles, sarcastically. “Blowing up a prison to lock the security inside it.” 

“Fuck you” You say to the wall. “Fuck you,” you repeat, turning around and walking back over. “Show me what study you’re reading.” You say, snatching the paper from her hands.

[dross-the-fish]

First of all I just really want to say I absolutely LOVE your art and specially the way you draw Erik, Leroux-Erik my beloved 😭💕

Ok ANYWAY. I saw your posts discussing about Erik and how the Phandom portray him and Raou, and I really want to point out some of my views (in the healthiest and most polite way possible!!!)

I'm not trying to deny Erik's flaws nor that I have an obvious bias since he's my favorite character ever AAAND Raoul is a character I dislike a LOT for multiple reasons lol but, I want to adress that: Erik is a person that endured multiple ways of abuse and humiliation in his life, since he was a child. He has multiple scenes of trauma response and, as you pointed out your post, acts impulsively many times and also shows clear remorse for his actions. What I think separates him from Raoul is (aside from the obvious class diference and the fact that Erik has a whole history of trauma and evidences of mental illness) the fact that Erik learns something from his selfish, self-destructive behaviour. He *had* a chance to end up with Christine if he didn't so shitty with her, and this is very impactful in the end specially because Leroux didn't treat him as a villain who deserved punishment, but as a traumatized AND completely abandoned person who fucked up pretty bad

Obviously, despite my personal beef with Raoul, I don't think he's some sort of abusive devil or any shit like that. I just think Christine would be better at her own. Forgetting Erik's flaws for a minute — Raoul *is* very manipulative, childish and uncaring towards Christine. He, unlike Erik, doesn't learn from his mistakes and presents the same behavior until the end of the story. Idk my girl Christine could be better at her own, single, following her career. The fact that Raoul was born in a rich family in the 19th century and didn't face any of the poberty or struggles that lower-classed people like Daroga, Erik and Christine had also make his character waaaay more difficult to like in my point of view. I'm NOT SAYING THAT "being rich makes you evil" (duh) nor that Erik's actions are ok, just to be clear! It just bothers me how so many people treat Raoul like a saint little puppy and Erik as a monster, like COME ON

Now, back to Erik: I'm not saying you intended to mean that, but I have a huge problem with how part of the Phandom thinks Erik had malicious intentions when approaching Christine, or that his feelings for her are fake. The "Erik knew precisely what he was doing since the start" really makes sense considering how his redemption arc went in the novel. Obviously this changes a lot in many adaptations (for example he's clearly much more self-aware and manipulative in the musical). But Leroux-Erik *genuinely* believed he was doing the right thing. Maybe he had an idea of "uuuugh maybe this is pretty bad maybe i should stop" but the self-destructive-fear-of-abandoment-everything-is-fine voice spoke louder. Let's not forget that what turned Erik into having such a violent mental breakdown was not "Christine doesn't love me and I must punish her" bullshit, it was when he heard her speaking not so many cool things about him and his appearance at his back (NOT BLAMING OR HATING HER, I love Christine, I'm talking about Erik's pov). If Erik didn't love Christine, or if he was a monster, he wouldn't feel any guilty for his actions. The most impactful thing in the ending of POTO is that Erik realized he had treated the woman he loved like trash and even still she showed him the compassion he needed

Ok ending this long ass text, I just wanted to state that I agree with a lot of your points specially how the Phandom tends to summarize everything to black and white even though most of the characters are all morally grey. I wanted people to stop dehumanizing a mentally ill abuse survivor like Erik while also stop hating on a poor woman who never asked to be put into Raoul's or Erik's bullshit lol thanks for having the patience to read, I'm really curious to know what your thoughts about this are 💕💕💕

I appreciate your courtesy, I understand where you are coming from but there are a few points i'm not sure I fully agree with. While it is fair to depict Erik as traumatized or mentally ill, I feel these are ultimately reasons for his behavior, not justifications. I agree that he is a sympathetic character and his story is a tragic one, I also agree that Erik had a great capacity for good under better circumstances. Leroux says "he had a heart that could hold empires but had to content himself with a cellar," or something to that effect and I believe that's true. But some of Erik's behavior cannot be written off as impulse or trauma response. He was still an assassin who built torture chambers and even when no longer in Persia he still had a torture chamber in his home that he made use of. He has enough agency that he can still be held responsible for all of the death and destruction he caused even as we acknowledge that he doesn't enjoy killing and feels remorse. How he deals with his remorse in particular is a bit of a sticking point for me. Erik's consistent ability to willfully "forget" what he does or completely deny the severity of his crimes is very likely a product of guilt but the presence of guilt is not a sign of virtue and after awhile it starts to feel like he is first and foremost dodging accountability. He never feels guilty enough to stop and prefers instead to alleviate his internal discomfort by emotionally distance himself from his actions. I also think it's important to acknowledge that Erik is a villainous character and he is violent with Christine. He does try terrorize her and coerce her into marrying him by threatening to kill her and everyone else. To be honest that's why I like his redemption, because he actually NEEDS to be redeemed. You can't redeem a character that never fell from grace. If we can't hold him accountable for his choices and acknowledge the full harm he did then his redemption is hollow. On the subject of Raoul, Leroux tends to write him as being kind of young and stupid and most of his boorish behavior the product of youthful impulse and the older I get the more I'm inclined to agree. This doesn't make Raoul right or even necessarily likeable but if we're giving Erik grace based on the author's sentiments towards the character we should probably give some to Raoul as well. Ultimately I feel Raoul redeems himself by proving he's willing to die for Christine. He throws himself into mortal peril to save her because he does love her. Yes, he has a lot of privilege compared to other characters and it certainly contributes to him coming off spoiled and bratty at times but at the end of the day he and Christine do love each other and he is who she chose. I'll admit I sometimes feel compelled to defend Raoul even if he's not remotely close to my favorite character just because the fandom tends to over inflate his flaws and hold him to the worst faith interpretation while making every excuse under the sun for Erik. The phandom will go to great lengths to see nuance and humanity in Erik's behavior but not in Raoul's and, while I have my own character preferences and Erik is certainly my favorite by a long shot, I try to be fair and empathetic to ALL the characters in the story, whether I actually like them or not.