#I'm not sleeping till 3am most nights

[messenger-of-babel]

Just Like Him

Summary: When you argue with Jason, you slowly start seeing less of Jason Todd and more of Bruce Wayne. (Jason Todd x reader)

Word Count: 1.9K

Notes: I legit came back home from a night out and sat here editing this till 3am cause I refused to miss a post haha. A little bit shorter due to that and I'll do a second look over it later. Only warning for this is mentions of violence as usual for most of these, and that it hasn't been as edited cleanly as usual. Tomorrow's post might be really delayed too since I've got events tomorrow too. Anyways, enjoy my Lovelies~! xx

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You had loved Jason. You did love Jason.

You loved the boy who was too awkward to hold your hand when you went out in public, who left you notes at your door when he was too frustrated and too pent up to explain himself properly. You loved his habits, his quirks, the way that he cooked you food if he knew he was going to be out for a few days, silently leaving it in the fridge in the hopes you’d keep yourself healthy.

You also loved the dark sides of him, the nightmares he woke up to, skin sticky with sweat. You loved him even when his eyes were lost in the darkness, unable to tell who you were exactly but still seeking the comfort of your arms to shield him. You loved him even when he tensed outside in public, a sound, a smell, setting him off and making him clench onto your hand. His eyes were scared, but you didn’t mind bringing him back into reality, letting him know that you were here for him. 

Yet on nights like these, you love for him faltered slightly. These were the nights that you couldn’t temper, the ones here he burned angrily and bit hard. He was currently pacing the kitchen, hands in his hair after a rough patrol. 

“You just don’t understand.” He murmured over and over. “Maybe you just don’t get it. Maybe you just never will. How could you even try to?” 

That hurt you, the way he talked like you weren’t even there. Like you weren’t in tears on the other side of the kitchen island. Like you hadn’t been having this argument for an hour how, sunset drinking its way into the dusk. 

This was the part of Jason that hurt you, the coarse side that snarled and growled at you like he was an injured dog. The side that looked at you with those striking green eyes narrowed into slits, who spat words like he’d never seen you before.

“I do understand Jason.” I you sigh. “You want to protect this city, you want to change Gotham, but don’t you dare tell me what I know or don’t, when I’m asking you to just be home more. Is it really that hard to protect the city and go out for a date?” You sigh, heart beginning to falter under the scrutiny of his gaze. “I know you can’t always be there. Neither can I, but please,” you say, folding your arms across your chest. “Please be there for me.”

“I am.” He groans back out, making a flicker of irritation spark in you. 

“Not you’re not.” You counter. “You leave dates, you leave dinners, you don’t come home some nights. No warning, no text, no notice.” You snap back.  “Being there for me is being at those dinners, going on those dates, coming home, spending time in bed with me.” You snap. "it's not cold sheets, cold food, cold feet on date nights. Step up."

He throws his hands up in the air, teeth clenched. "Can't you see I'm trying to save the city? trying to stop it from eating itself from the inside? You know its corrupted, you know about the violence. Hell, you got shot." he snaps back. His fists are tightly clenched by his side, eyes burning into yours. You stare back at him defiantly, and it makes the frustration in him rise.

He knows he's not good at words, knows that he's rough around the edges. The voice in his head tells him that when he sits up at night, when he finally comes home. His head leans back against the headboard whole you sleep peacefully beside him, rolled completely onto your side. His fingers twist in the sheets, as it speaks at him, tells him that he's not good enough to be with you. That the city isn't safe enough, that he needs to make it safer. He wasn’t the safest out of Batman's gang of protegees. He had a hit list that had started while he was just a young teenager and continued to have names added every other week. He'd been shot at, stabbed, thrown into and off of buildings, and that was something he was fine with. that was his job, his burden.

But when you got shot, that's when life really had caught up with him. It was like he had been living his life in slow motion up until that point, until it all rushed forward like a wave on double speed. He hadn't erven been there, halfway across town with Nightwing on some stakeout when he got the call. Dick had let him go without a word, merely watching him speed away on his bike before calling in backup from the cave to replace him. He didn't care that Bruce would get mad at him for abandoning his post, he could go to hell. What he cared about was you, and the fact that he hadn't been able to protect you, been able to stop it from happening. He heard about it only when the hospital called him, informing him that you were being prepped for surgery immediately.

How bad was it? Was it just one shot? Did it go cleanly through? Where were you hit? What calibre? What make? What model? Where did it take place?

Those were all questions that Red Hood might have been allowed to ask if he had worn the mask and marched through the emergency department, but he couldn’t do that. If he did it would be a giant target on your back, associating you with his vigilante life in the most obvious way possible. Instead, he had to race through the doors breathless as Jason Todd, the worried boyfriend who had to be held back by security trying to get to your ward.

 You had of course recovered, learnt to walk again on the leg that caught a stray bullet from a gang shoot out in Lower Gotham. It had been worryingly close to your artery, but you had pulled through. Jason couldn’t deny the fact that his status as a Wayne kid helped your care and the way the hospital aided your recovery. With a harsh word, Jason could have any of their licenses revoked.

That's why Jason did it. To make sure that the fear that gripped his heart that night never had the chance to wrangle him like that again. He'd fight night after night and come home with a string of broken and bloodied knuckles if it meant that you would be okay. It's all he can think about as he stares you down in the kitchen, watching your jaw twitch.

"Don't you dare use the fact that I got shot, against me." you seethe, hand coming up to point at him. "That wasn’t my fault, and it could have happened to anyone in the town, it's Gotham, Jason." you bite back, and he throws his hands up.

"That's exactly the problem! It's Gotham." he shouts. "You can get shot, or stabbed, or killed. Anyone can. one day you're here, the next you ain't. You really want to go out there, sweetheart? You got shot and you want to tell me not to clean the streets up? The sheets are cold? Well, they'd be a lot colder if you were dead." he spits back, and you are too stunned to say anything. You shake your head, a look of realisation coming over you.

"Oh my god," you breathe out. "you're just like Bruce. You’re no better."

That makes something in his freeze, halting all of his movements and shutting down his train of thought. You see it, see the way his bright green eyes widen and his head tilts slightly, making the white tuft in his hair flop over his eyes as you continue. "You're so obsessed with cleaning up the city. So obsessed with fighting out there that you can't give it up even for a second. You both can't. You criticize the man, tore him apart for his neglect just to do the exact same god damn thing.” Tears begin to prick your eyes in helplessness, lump building in your throat.

"You can’t see yourself out of that stupid helmet." you say, choking up as the tears clog your vision. "When was the last time that you read?" you ask, sniffling. "When was the last time you did a hobby, or rode your bike as a civilian? When's the last time we went on a date or held hands, or went to the park, or the library or anywhere?" you yell at him, hand coming to claw at your heart.

"When was the last time you were Jason?" you whisper softly. "Because right now, I feel like Jason Todd has died for a second time." you choke out. "Except this time, it wasn’t Joker who killed him."

You wipe your eyes with your sleeve while you leave him stunned, pushing past him to go into your bedroom. When the door slams harshly it snaps him out of the stupor he had found himself in, body swivelling on his heel immediately to follow you.

 You didn't respond to his soft knocking at the door, or his calls. You didn’t accept the apologies he murmured into the wood, didn't bother to listen to his promises or ways that he swore he could make it better. It was only when he began knocking desperately, worrying building, that you swung it open violently.

Your face is a mess, sticky with tears and chin wet. Your breath comes out in small hiccups as you try to collect yourself, still mid sob as you shout at him. "Couch." you seethe, your puffy eyes glaring at him with a hurt filled dagger before the door slammed in his face. He sighed, forehead against the wood before pushing off the door frame with a click of his tongue. He plops down onto the living room couch with a groan, legs thrown over the side to try and accommodate for his size. He raises an arm to cover his eyes, other arm grabbing a couch cushion and bringing it to his chest.

"You're just like Bruce, no better." rattled around in his skull, making him chew at his lip. He didn’t like that. He didn’t like being compared to Bruce, even if he respected the man at times. He had come back, intending to be everything for others that Bruce had failed to be for him. Yet according to you, he was walking the same steps the man before him had traced.

Was he really no better than Bruce?

He groans and removes his arm from his eyes. He casts them over to the turned off TV, catching the sight of a much younger Robin peering back at him. With a smile the boy took off the domino mask and revealed the childish figure that was young Jason Todd. He raises a hand to his face as well, mirroring what he had just seen the reflection do. Except when he pulled his hand away, studying the digits instead of the TV screen, he could still see the remnants of the Hood he failed to leave at the door.

[pastorpresent]

Logan, who rolls his eyes at Wade's constant moving and squirming in their bed. Logan, who grumbles at him to shut up during the night when they are both trying to sleep because Wade won't stop rambling nonsense. Logan, who growls and shakes him off whenever they accidently end up intertwined in their sleep.

Except then Wade ends up on a merc job that runs through the night and Logan can't fucking sleep.

At first, he isn't sure what the problem is. He did his usual routine, set up the pull out and climbed under the covers, looking forward to a night with the bed to himself.

He then proceeds to toss and turn for hours. His brain won't shut off enough for him to fall asleep, and he can't get fucking comfortable. It's driving him insane, and he lies there for hours, utterly frustrated because he is tired. He's exhausted, actually, and yet he can't fall asleep and the why of it all doesn't hit him till about 3am.

The bed isn't creaking softly under Wade's constantly bouncing leg and shifting positions. There's no running commentary that quietens his own thoughts enough to let him drift off. There's nothing warm and solid that smells like Wade to wrap himself around during the night when his body is craving touch the most.

He gives up with a growl, flicking on the TV and relenting to the fact he wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. His brain won't shut the fuck up repeating Wade's name like a damn mantra, and his body is practically vibrating with anxiety over the fact the merc wasn't next to him right now where he was supposed to be.

(Ridiculous and possessive, he scolds himself. Wade is his own damn person, and he has more important stuff to do that be Logan's emotional support teddy bear. Not to mention he's over two hundred fucking years old, and shouldn't need an emotional support teddy bear.)

Wades gets back at six in the morning. Logan can smell the thick scent of his blood before he actually sees him, and he's already up and at the door as Wade enters silently.

He almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Logan standing there waiting for him.

"Fuck, peanut! Warn a guy next time! I thought you'd still be sleeping," Wade says, pulling his mask off, clutching his chest dramatically.

Now that Wade's here, standing in front of him after Logan spent the last eight hours craving his prescence to a nauseating degree, he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't want to freak Wade out with his own stupid attachment, settles on a "you okay?"

His voice cracks, and Wade looks instantly worried, taking a step into his space.

"I think I should be asking you that," he frowns, and Logan shrugs, tries to keep his tone light and casual as he replies, "couldn't sleep."

It comes out the opposite of light and casual. The heaviness of the emotion there is embarrassing and obvious, and Wade clicks on without any further clarification.

Logan cringes, waiting for the jokes. Waiting for Wade to gloat about making it so he can't sleep without him, and the thing is Logan would take it all on the chin. Would accept every condescending word if it meant that Wade would just come to bed with him.

Except Wade's face goes soft instead, and he's tugging off his blood stained gloves and lifting both hands to cup Logan's face. His expression is... fond, and Logan wants to tell him he doesn't deserve it, but instead he just kind of melts into the touch. Into Wade's warmth. His smell. It's intoxicating, and a better distraction than any bottle Logan had ever found himself at the bottom of.

"I... come to bed, please? I'm so tired," Logan mumbles, and Wade smiles.

"There's no where else I'd rather be, sweetheart. Let me shower off the blood and I'm all yours."

Logan's anxiety spikes a little despite himself, and he's scanning over Wade with concern, "are you definitely alright?"

"Immortal, remember? I'm completely fine peanut, but if you want to join me in the shower to examine me yourself I'm not complaining," he wags his non-existent eyebrows, and Logan snorts.

"That shower would never fit the two of us."

"Is that a challenge?"

And he isn't sure why, but the warm familiarity of their back and forth sends him into a fresh wave of emotion again, and he finds himself pulling Wade in for a hug before he could chastise himself for even wanting it.

Wade hugs him back tight, running a hand over his back, "so no more overnight jobs?"

Logan grumbles his disapproval, and Wade chuckles in his hold.

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

hello [walks in here holding four balls] two of it is for 🟡🟢 hope it makes things a little better (p.s I write what I need the most on balls while I'm having them) it took me a while to write back because(writing doesn't come easy these days). I went and watched all the videos Ron was reading lyrics (I'm glad it was recorded b&w, it's more soothing to watch), through those videos he made me realize I don't need to own singer energy/voice to read my fav lyrics or song( by that i don't mean he doesn't have good voice, personally I love his voice) as a person who never finds their voice good I always shy away to sing anything feeling I embrace myself so it helped me a lot to focus on what I like there rather ponder on what I hate. I owe this Ron Mael, he is cool and has sensei vibe (thank you sir)

can I go further and say one more thing I learned from him? it was his birthday recently so I let myself a go. we all know how Ron has this aloof face and unshifting glare(I never met Ron in person, so I take this is his face), first time I heard about sparks and searched first thing that got me was his face, I didn't say 'why he is so serious? why he isn't smiling' instead my reaction was 'so cool!' before it changes to deep sadness because once I owned a face like this. when I was younger people always would tell me cheer up, to not look serious or glare at them. I didn't know what they meant, I wasn't unhappy or angry it was just my face(I didn't know I have autism then, later realized how some autistic people struggling to show emotions) but eventually their words got me. I thought I have to change it or I'm wrong then without I know I was smiling because that's what I supposed to or mimicking others facial expressions to know how to react. I became good at it tbh, people liked me more but I felt a big lie inside, when pandemic happened I noticed even away from others I couldn't have 'my face', this shattered me. till I saw photos of Ron, and thought if he can live his life fully and be successful by being who he is and everything turn fine then why can't I? there is no wrong in him or me. (insert not that well defined here :) (if this got personal, or irrelevant I apologize. I tried to not mention yet I wanted to share how they helped me in certain way)

Russell workout videos are such mood booster, it makes me feel when I get to that age I can still live good life, I won't be as old as society tells me I will be, by sparks measure we never are too old for anything, are we? there will be still time to live, to do things I love and have more. it always amazes me how they doing what they love when they almost 80 and there is still a lot for them to go(as it should). this reminded me of 'beat the clock' actually. no one should get PhD by afternoon.

I low-key know about sparkstember but not enough, would love to know more about it. maybe I take part as well. where will they share prompt? on their official page? (loved the music video. nice work)

THE RON ESSAY IS HERE AND I AM SO HERE FOR IT!! You get it. 💖 Woo! Two balls! Thank you!

(This will get long. Very long. A million tangents. I saw this ask before going to sleep last night and so I laid awake smiling thinking about Sparks to 3am. (Don't worry, it's a common occurrence among Sparks fans.) Btw you may find the "secret password" among Sparks fans is sensing another person gets it. It's a shortcut to immediate adoption into the family because we know we understand each other, we're wired in similar ways.)

I am thoroughly impressed you already watched all of the lyric reads! Ron *is* cool and has sensei vibes and his voice is amazing! *nods to all of that*! I can't sing for shit myself and Ron is critical of his singing voice as well (maybe because his brother is the best singer in the universe) but yeah I love it on the rare occasion he does sing. I love it when he speaks, he delivers his words very well. (My favourite word for Ron to say is "sensibility".) Every once in a while someone tries to compile a list of all the tracks Ron has vocals on (and then it gets lost again haha). Some honourable mentions though: he's got some backing vocals on Pineapple (they may be hard to notice), he sings on the songs Limo Driver and En Route To The Beverly Hills Hotel (from The Seduction Of Ingmar Bergman, he's done more vocals on it but those I love the utmost), there's a version of Suburban Homeboy that features a spoken word section by Ron (they performed the song live that way in 2022), The Shopping Mall Of Love is mostly all Ron (which they also performed live in 2022 and 2023), there's a song called "What Was That?" from the unreleased soundtrack for Mai The Psychic Girl (in the late 80's and early 90's they worked really hard for this to become a film but despite all their efforts, it didn't happen). What I think you'll *really* like as well though is the promotional video for Strange Animal, which keeps disappearing from the internet. (I guess I'm going to have to put it on Tumblr because a lot of people these days may not have seen it???)

Look at me go "blablablablabla" haha. Well, you asked for it, and Sparks fans have zero chill 😂 Anyway I'm mentioning all of these because I love that he's making you think differently about your own voice, so that's some more stuff that may be really nice :)

...Btw, don't think Russell minds if we can't sing well, he just loves it when we do. He will affectionately roast us for not reaching the notes though (performance of Equator in 2014 you will always be famous) but the only really disappointing thing would be if we *didn't* sing along. Proof:

(Quick note: great song critiquing American imperialism, while also being a metaphor for Something Else.) I love how Ron at some point is trying to talk, but you know, Russell exists, so... Good luck with that 😂

If you want to see the roasting though, start around 5:55 in the next video (though the whole thing is tremendously beautiful):

Before that time Russell keeps waiting for the audience to start singing and they just... Don't seem to want to start?? And then once he's outright said it out loud, "sing it from here!", and we start singing he soon realises why we didn't start earlier, poor man is *so* disappointed - you can see it in his entire body language, just deflated. (It must suck at times to have a voice no one can match 😅💕) But we keep at it in full force, and he's smiling that big smile of his again! Continuing to tell us off for not singing it right though, which had everyone in stitches 😂 I was at this show and it was the best! (There's more videos of it out there where you may be able to see his face better, this show was performed only a handful of times but to experience the roast from different viewpoints you want Equator from the Barbican show in London from 19 December 2014.)

Okay back to Ron (see, I got so sidetracked 😂). Everything you've said about facial expressions and the effect Ron's face has on you is so relatable. Ron being who he is gave me permission to also go back to being myself again. I've always felt that I was forced to be a certain way, and it meant I was never good enough because I'm just... Not like that. I don't want to smile if I don't mean it and at the same time if I don't smile it doesn't mean I'm not happy. Also I love that he found what he liked and just... Stuck with it. Suit, tie, moustache. And Ron went, okay that's me sorted for my entire life. It's just who he is. And it's so inspiring. It's like seeing him exist made me relax for the first time in my life. (Going to my first Sparks show was the first time in my life I ever felt at home. I'm not going on this tangent but I feel it's important to point out I learned about Sparks before I knew I was autistic and that kind of saved my life.) Back to the face thing though. The pandemic actually helped me to get my own face back. Wearing a mask all the time meant I didn't have to do all the expected facial emotions, no one was going to see them! So in putting on a mask, I dropped the autistic masking. It was a real struggle for me with my face when people expected me to take the mask of again because suddenly my face "existed" again to the outside world. It's been a struggle but I chose to try to let my face just be and my life is so much better now because of that. (It turns out that apart from my family, no one actually comments or minds my face. It's fine:)) (It's not that I never smile, it's just that when I do smile it's because it just happens and I really just feel happy. When I'm among the people who I feel really at ease with and happy around, it turns out I'm actually a lot like Russell and I'm smiling all the time!)

I love that Ron has this set in stone image, and that at the same time he can be "unexpected" - his love for air Jordan shoes, sports, snow globes, rap music, his shuffle, ...I Predict. Just because he's the Boss Accountant (badass term coined by @/archeolatry that I love SO MUCH) doesn't mean he's defined in only one dimension. (I mean we know that, he writes most of the songs and all these albums and songs are different and there's so much humour in it all. Also, see Not That Well Defined.) It's just nice as hell and so freeing.

And indeed we never are too old for anything! Russell is like the real life Peter Pan, and he's also sunshine personified - having a bad day? Not anymore, Russell exists! But anyway, back to what you said about never being too old for anything. Society is so set on telling us we need to have it all figured out at a certain age. Or that our live is over at a certain age. And it's just such a lie! (It Doesn't Have To Be That Way :)) When I was younger I felt so shitty all the time, everything about me seemed wrong and I know I'd never be what society deemed successful. What helped me so much is the constant reminder that at my age, Sparks hadn't even made so many of my favourite albums yet! Nothing is bound to age. And I have every intention to be a late bloomer, continuing to bloom throughout life. I think I'm going to be really happy when I'm 55. (Though I'm not going to be as fit as Russell is haha, it's like he eats batteries for breakfast. (He doesn't. He may have a lot of energy but also he works really hard to keep it that way and to keep his voice in shape, they don't want to perform their songs in a different key. He wants to reach the notes, and he does! I think his voice only has gotten better and better with the years, which is really not the case for any other band that's been around as long as they have.))

... It's just all so beautiful, isn't it? :) They both inspire me so much.

Which brings us to: Sparkstember :)

Sparkstember was created by our very own fellow fan @/newwaveworm (new-wave-worm on Instagram). (I'm not tagging people directly in this post because I don't want to be invasive, but they're all really nice people :)) The first Sparkstember was in 2021, and in 2022 it seemed to have caught on on a bigger scale. Sparks shared the prompts list and shared so much of everyone's stuff! They were loving it. Same in 2023. (If you've seen what Instagram and tumblr looked like on Ron's birthday - that's a preview of how it gets on there during Sparkstember, but then it goes on for the full month!) Sparks have at some point sent newwaveworm a parcel with gifts and signed stuff to say thank you for coming up with Sparkstember, it's really sweet. They've even spoken about Sparkstember in an interview last year! You can read it here. (Both of the art pieces Russell and Ron mentioned in the article were made by @/nedison, who's day was obviously made when they saw this - it was so cool!)

I don't know the prompts list yet for this year as so far they usually get posted close to the last week of August, but here's the one for 2022 and the one for 2023 to give you an idea. I'm personally assuming it'll be similar this year (I don't really know that for sure though!) so I've started working on the early albums.

Sparkstember to me is just a really lovely time and people interact with each other a lot, I've shared almost all the pieces people made in 2023 and 2022 on my Instagram page (pineapplefulfillseveryneed) and put them in highlights so if you want, you can see what Sparkstember is like. (Don't worry, I can't see who looks at my Instagram story highlights, so your anonymous cover won't be blown :)) Honestly, to me Sparkstember is near the same level of exciting as a Sparks tour or the release of new material. The entire fandom comes together to tell Sparks how much we love them and it's just a joy to feel so connected to everyone, see so much cool art and make new friends. In a lot of ways it truly feels similar to when there's a tour and people travel from all over the world just to see Sparks. (Sometimes art made by fans ends up in the fanclub newsletter later on as well so that's another exciting thing! I've never made it in though, and it would be a huge honour if at some point I did. So if you do end up making stuff, there's always a small chance that that may happen :))

Don't feel pressured to create something for every day if you partake though, any and all participation is super cool and super appreciated! Picking the days you like best is what I'd recommend because it's supposed to be fun and not stressful :) I consistently truly have a lot more time than most people (because I've been unable to function in society in a normal way) and it's still incredibly challenging to the point it almost makes me ill at times. (I don't sleep well at all for the entire month, both because I'm so excited and because I'm very audhd which means I suck at planning and end up not having anything ready for the next day so then I still have to come up with something. It takes up literally all my time and my brain can't catch a break 😅) ... You've had a little taste of what Sparks fans are like though, so yeah we're just a little bit mad like that because we love them so much. (Sparks is a little bit mad as well though, in 2008 they played 21 concerts over 21 days, playing a different full album every day. I didn't get to witness that but it's one of my favourite things they've ever done, there's quite a bit of footage of it on YouTube and they're some of my favourite concerts! I always think about that during Sparkstember, because who but Sparks and who but Sparks fans would do something like that.)

[tennythemany]

The Talk

Alright I've been dodging the topic for months now, and I did make this tumblr account to vent it out, but let's talk about why I've stopped posting on the tenpenny account

• Burnout, Identity, Elves vs Ducks

The slow but insidious reason. I've been gposing for about 2 years when I stopped in Feb, and I've been rummaging through my glam dresser everyday to make new outfits for my Elezen. It's what I started gposing for (making cute elf glams), and why I continue to play the game.

But sometime in 2022, that changed. Tried anam for the first time. Started making my own poses. Then I got a hit post. I saw more likes and views. I saw growth, and then I got ambitious. I tried making bigger posts, I read tutorials, I leveraged on my years of knowledge on memes, and I. Made. Memes. That's when things really took off.

That's also around the time I started noticing something. If I put the duck in my posts, I'd get more likes on that post. The duck became a recurring character in my posts. But then people started caring more about the duck than the elf, replies became more about the duck, and that was something I *really* didn't want. People wanted to see the duck. I put it in when I was having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Watch the duck post get more likes than the elf posts. Watch my heart sink.

While gposing would never not be fun for me, at some point I felt like I was posting more for likes than for myself. That feeling never really went away, and so it stayed long past Feb 2023

• The GShade incident

Y'all may remember a little incident at the start of 2023 that got the ffxiv community very plus not-good mad. Not going into details, but a small outcome of that incident resulted in some tangentially related creators to be lumped into that mess.

People wanted blood, and the creators basically got cancelled out of existence along with GShade's creator. Somewhere in that firing line, someone I supported and admired was targeted, and through some *very* shallow accusations, they were hit too.

(And no, I won't be naming anyone)

That event made me realize two very important things:

Years of goodwill and hard work can be undone in a single week if people believe you to be evil

I fucking hate X (formerly twitter)

So that was it. I didn't want to continuing doing something that can forever undermine my work in the heat of the moment, and I've developed a newfound hate for twitter and the mob justice the site perpetuated.

So I left.

(But just the main account, I do whatever I want on Tenny)

• Making a joke is hard when you're sad

So most of you might know me for my memes. A large part of me is driven by the positive reception you've given me, and I'll be eternally grateful for all your support, but that changed when all the above happened.

I've been agonizing over how I feel about all this, and scrolling through X (formerly twitter) just made me feel worse. I couldn't wring a good joke out of me. I couldn't make other people laugh when I couldn't make myself laugh. I didn't *want* to make when some of the people involved were my followers either.

So I stopped.

• The ever creeping shadow of age

I'm 34 this year. I've spent a lot of time on FFXIV, and to be honest, not much else. I don't have a significant other, and I don't do anything but play video games and occasionally hang out with friends for tabletop games. I've got a few projects outside of gposing, but they've been dead in the water for years.

Gposing and making memes take time. It's about 2-3 hours on average to make one, and that's if I already have a set piece ready. It's another hour to look around locations in-game, or who knows how many hours if I'm building my own. Because of work, that sometimes means I have to gpose late at night. Because of gaming, that means I *always* have to gpose late at night. I've been gposing late till 1-3am consistently in 2022, and my sleep schedule is all out of whack because of it.

I *really* don't want gposing to be my legacy.

Gposing comes to me at an opportunity cost. I've still got a few good years left in me, but at some point I need to start thinking about what I want to do, be it saving for retirement, pursuing a passion I've been putting off, or just any plan for the future at all. Maybe I'll finally put my gamedev knowledge to use, maybe I'll delve into the VR scene, maybe I'll learn how to make videos like the young me always wanted to.

But that meant I need to put less time into gposing.

So, the events of the points above was a good opportunity for me to suspend my activities and give myself some time to think about what I want to do in the future. It was clear I needed a break, and I needed a clear head to think things through. Come up with my five-year plan, so to speak. I'm thinking hard about what I want to do in the future.

I'm thinking real hard.

*Real* hard.

(Don't look at my playtime for Armored Core 6)

• Wow, video games are becoming really fun

I don't doubt ffxiv will be my forever game, and I'm glad YoshiP and team have made it so you don't have to play everyday, but holy hell have you seen how many good games have come out over the last 6 years I can't be playing ffxiv all the time you can't make me

Ehem.

Before gposing, video games will always be my main hobby. I have a vested interest in where video games are going, and ho boy are they getting interesting. I can't keep up with all the new terms we're coming up for them, from systemic games to survivor-likes, to Genshin clones being a thing. It's just an ever-changing landscape.

VR gaming is real, we're actually getting a full game from full-priced games, you don't even need to buy individual games anymore, you can play them on a game streaming service, and it's easier to make your own games now more than ever.

Just, wow.

I'd really like to experience all that for myself, so for the past 7 months, I've been playing other games.

A *lot* of other games.

And the biggest thing I've learned through all that is there's a vast and much wider world out there than just the ffxiv community and oh my god what the fuck is the gaming community outside of ffxiv why is it so toxic i can't even-

I'll still be playing ffxiv. Just a lot less. Some things are just irreplacable, y'know?

So there, if you've been wondering where I've been (or where all the memes are), that's the long and long of it. Thanks for reading, and I hope that gives you a sense of where I'm at. Hopefully that covers everything, so-

• CRIPPLING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Oh yeah, that.

Wow, I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I am inside a self-deprecating piece of shit who when exposed to other people's work would inadvertently compare myself to them and conclude that "wow, I'm garbage".

It's no secret that I have had no formal art training, or even photography training, or even gposing training if that's a thing, a lot of what I do is self-taught. Just years of trial and error, and mimicking scenes from shows or comic panels I've seen, but I don't have any technical knowledge to know if a picture is 'right' or not. Color theory is completely alien to me before I started learning about them, I was gposing with a blue light filter so everything looked yellow on my end. I don't use mods, so I had to rely on the default models for everything I do. Let's not even talk about photoshop.

And over the years, I've been looking for gpose communities to share my work and see what other people are cooking up. I see it all. Better composition, better colors, better post processing, better poses, better backgrounds, better editing, better...everything. In my mind, everything just looks better than anything I could have done. I know I shouldn't let that get to me, but, y'know

So part of me wanted a smaller audience, somewhere I could curl up in without needing to think to myself 'oh god 3000 people are going to see this post' and think insane things like 'this isn't a 100-likes post' or whatnot. Creator thoughts. Insane thoughts. It was driving me insane.

Some part of me just wanted to post elves. The other part wouldn't 'just' let me post elves. It had to live up to what I've done before, it had to be perfect.

Now I just want to post elves.

• Final (fantasy) thoughts

So barring that last point, that's the thick and thin of it. If you read this far, then wow maybe my composition skills haven't fallen off a cliff just yet. Thank you for reading my jumbled stream of consciousness, and while Tenpenny might not be around anymore, Tenny's always around to talk about elves.

This is me, this post is about why Tenpenny is dead, and this is why I've stepped away from making memes regularly, and content creation in general.

Elezen cute.

.

.

.

Also FUCK the X (formerly Twitter) word limit, I've always hated it omg

[muff1nqwq]

sorry i havent been around in a while, things have gotten crazy, im sure you get it. my first day of being a sophmore (10th grader) starts tomorrow and while im not extremely nervous it is also 11:50 at night and i have to wake up at 6:15, ignore the specific time as it is never specific, its an estimate at best.

i have this thing called band camp that has been going on for the last couple of days. basically i play my trumpet (her name is Margaret) for 4 hours in preparation for football season (im in the band, we have to play at football games) idk where you are ofc, so to clarify, this is american football. the concussion sport.

i picked up tarot reading and it's super silly, i would recommend. its funny to think that the cards are supposed to have their own personality. id say that i dont see it, but they told me to shut up once, sassy ass cards...

i havent been hurting myself as much because of how busy i am + how cold it is. a thing about me is that i cannot ever cvt when its cold. maximum discomfort. 0/10 stars. not funky fresh.

my ex and i started talking less often and im kinda glad it happened, which might be mean to say, considering were friends still, but theres so much to do, to worry about that i can barely keep up with things.

anyways, i think thats most of it. btw if you ever dont know how to respond to one of my rambles, id love it if you might just add your own story? about anything!!!! i like hearing from you!

— rin

hiya Rin :DDD I missed u!!

GL in school!! I'm gonna b a Freshman this year and I'm excited-nervous abt it... At least its gonna b the same ppl ( even though the principal warned us abt a rush of new students, but its better than going 2 a brand new school ) I gotta fix my sleep schedule so bad, I stay up till 3am and wake up at noon :'3

:0000 IM IN BAND TOO :DD I play clarinet :3 ( btw I love how u called football the "concussion sport" XDDDD )

Tarot reading sounds so cool :000 i rlly like astrology and numerology ( I'm an Aquarius :3 )

4 me it's still hot af here, even though snow melted like 3 weeks b4 summer break :> but yesterday I went 2 go walk my doggo and right as we were turning back, it started raining, and my dumbass didn't bring a jacket and I was wearing an oversized T-shirt and shorts, so I was running ( in flip-flops ) 4 ten mins in the rain tryna get back 2 my house lolol X'3

That sounded like a line from a book I read a few yrs ago XD ( but I hope ur still finding time 4 urself :) )

A few nights ago I was rlly, RLLY hyped up 4 highschool... Same school, few new kids, new teachers, maybe a new rep... Then I thought abt what my rep would b like. I mean tbh I don't mind if I'm known as a weirdo furry theatre kid, but last yr my ex-bestie spread nasty rumours bout me, manipulate me and my friend group, and overall make everyone avoid me. At least my friends knew what she's all abt and stuck w me 4 the whole yr, but like... What if the rumours spread 2 the new kids and bad stuff happen?? So then I stayed up thinking bout that and at 2am I multiswiped 10 times and I named the cvt Jeffo :3 ( I haven't cvt in weeks cuz I didn't have many Band-Aids left )

Have a good day Rin :DDD

-Muffin

[drowningworms]

I actually went to Gobblers Knob in Punxsutawney and was close enough to see the no shadow for myself before the drunk guys in top hats told us what they saw.

I experienced the whole frigid, boring, tedious, painful, boring, long, standing room only for 6 hours of physical hell, low rent, cheapass, tacky, corny, tawdry, obnoxious, fucking dry event for you.

It involved security pat downs for liquor on every man woman and child to keep out liquor. Weed was illegal by community consent thanks to Reagan. It was 10 degrees and dark in the dead of a Pennsylvania Winter. And there was absolutely no entertainment for hours till it got daylight. Then this local DJ comes on to entertain the out of towners. He's horrible.

Remember that we are the cash cow for this little group of local good old boys and their buddies. And for the entire town. And they treat us like shit. Just penned us up and hit us for cash money at every turn. This was 1998, so that wasn't unusual everyone outside major businesses required cash. I'm dead sure they have those little credit card scanners everywhere now. They milked us for everything they could think of.

And it was so fucking cold. You don't understand cold until you know standing huddled still in the dark cold. Most people never really experience cold. Insulation is really fucking good now. I overpaid so much when goose down jackets got sorta affordable. They were like miracles to me. I would have given anything for such a miraculous jacket then. I had to make do with layers of insulated flannels and long underwear. I did have true winter underwear from my Boy Scout days so I was a good bit less cold than my buddies who didn't know how to layer.

Most people only experience shoveling snow cold. Maybe skiing cold. A few hunting cold. (Real damn cold) And a mighty few who have lived in it for days just sitting around camping in tents with nice sleeping bags and a big fire to warm us. In teens or subzero temps. I have. You have to dig deep and layer well. And just accept being cold every single minute of your life outside of your sleeping bag.

So we were doing hunter cold. This was Western Pennsylvania. Everyone knew how to do hunter cold. My buddies were all suburban kids. I told them how to dress. A few listened.

3+ hours of my best friends in the world talking shit to AC/DC and Ace of Base or whatever was the thing.

That night we started at like 3am and drove a few hours of dark Pennsylvania highway. Just darkness, trees, and sky. I can't remember if the stars were out. Something about those Appalachian Forest highways just are monotonous in a weird way.

Those road trips are always fun. I strongly suggest. Even if you have to brave the Appalachian Static.

Anyway we arrive at Punxsutawney. It is in the middle of nowhere. Just another isolated abandoned steel town. They have a bit of a real downtown that most of these towns utterly lack. Often it's a gas station and a Dollar General and a bunch of run down houses with a school 40 minutes away it shares with the other rundown towns.

But Punxsutawney has a nice little town of happy people because of Phil and our fascination with this thing.

So of course there is not parking for 30,000 people. In a town of 5,000. So they rope off some field frozen solid and park us all charging Disney parking fees.

They subcontract school buses to haul people from the parking lot to the main event. The bus drivers are the first line of defense against alcohol and drugs.

Security is the second. Compete with pat downs and local cops along with PA Troopers with drug dogs and quotas to meet. No spoiling the fun with chemical enhancement!

Then you walk for fucking ever. Slowly. Going to the Knob.

It is deadly cold. And it begins to dawn on you what you are in for in this grassy pen with nothing but a porta potty or two for entertainment.

Look at all that fun!

This was before phones people. My friends and I were super studious and none of us owned any kind of video game. No handheld games. Maybe you thought to bring a newspaper or book. I think I brought a book. I'm sure at least one of them brought engineering notes to study. Most just talk and bitch about the cold.

Cold in the dark is different from cold in the light. It is so much deeper without the solar radiation slightly warming your surface and your spirits.

Then the dawn brings light and a little warmth and hope.

Then the dawn brings the DJ.

Small town DJs are interesting critters. They are small town famous and often they are unique personalities that can be really entertaining. At least between songs and commercials. Some of them are pretty amazing like Nipsey, Jen, and Earl in Harrisburg/Hershey/Lancaster/Lebanon area back when it was even more podunk backwater.

It was 1998 and this guy showed up.

So this small town guy is used to entertaining local venues with his shtick that everyone knows and loves with his slightly out of date look and inside local jokes.

Today he has 2 hours of just him on a stage in front of 30,000 pissed off college students who were expecting a lot more entertainment and maybe some food or drinks and tired & grumpy rural folk hoping to get in a little fun and excitement before going to work. At least half the crowd had found a way to sneak in a flask or something. So people were unruly.

And we just watch the poor guy spend 2 hours fighting for his life up there feeling bad for him trying to entertain us while hosting his fun little morning show for his listeners who are probably loving it all.

He got heckled. Badly. This was 25 years ago and we weren't very nice.

After 2 hours of this entertainment. The main event started.

My heroes arrived on the scene.

They have been partying all night long. In a nice warm place with warm food, comfy chairs/couches, running water, and a ton of alcohol. They are all drunk as skunks. The all come up on stage, wave and whip up the crowd, pull out their buddy, give him some scritches and lift him up to the crowd like he's the new Lion King, and then examine his shadow, make their proclamation, smile and wave, go back to their party, and count their money.

This is the highlight of the entire event. The peak of excitement. The best it got for the whole day.

Then they shoved the DJ back on stage, the national media and anyone with connections left, and the rest of us were kept penned up for another hour or 2 till it was our turn to take a school bus back to our frozen car, a 3+ hour drive through winter highways to get back in time for afternoon classes.

It was so much fun.

[icedmetaltea]

I guess I deserve it since I’m a chicken and I stay up till 2am trying to go to sleep the entire time then even if I’m really exhausted I wait till it’s 5am cause of trying to get well pass the witching hour…

Aww *pat pat* I'm sorry anon :( If it makes u feel any better the entire concept of the witching hour is completely turned around. It is when the ghosts and goblins come out to eat the demons, and by far the best time to sleep.

The world is dark, quiet, peaceful and there are no responsibilities for you during this hour...

On the flip side it's also when most ppl get the most inspiration for writing/drawing/other hobbies for whatever reason 😂 I know if I draw something at 3am 9/10 times it's way better than during the day.

I think it has something to do with how way back in the day some ppl would stay up to stand guard while others slept, so some ppl inherited the loving-being-awake-at-night gene

On a serious note, trying to force yourself to sleep will usually just do the opposite. It'll even make you dread nighttime cause you see it as a long expanse of time you have to lay in bed awake during. I rlly like the Sleep With Me podcast since it's predictable but still enjoyable, u can just have some dude talk for an hour or more and he makes it clear that the point of them isn't too fall asleep but have some company whether or not you do fall asleep, and to me that just brings me so much comfort ya know?

Just remove the expectation that you have to sleep, dim ur screen/turn on blue light filter if u can and do something that's not just laying in bed staring at the ceiling but not super stimulating either. Before you know it your eyes will get heavy, so very heavy...

You can also just ask Moon to dropkick you, that always works

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

♫ Robibi and Danny

Send me ♫ for a 5-10 SONG PLAYLIST for our muses! "DENNY'S 3AM KNIFE FIGHT." -Danny and Robin Playlist

UNEASY HEARTS WEIGH THE MOST - Dance Gavin Dance "I can make you laugh so fucking hard, it hurts you inside your bones."

2. OUR LOVE IS GOD - Heathers "You are the only thing that's right about this broken world."

3. THE HORROR OF OUR LOVE - Ludo "I've murdered half the town, left you love-notes on their headstones: I'll fill the graveyards until I have you."

4. STARLIGHT - Starset "They wash me in their light and fall in love with you again."

5. KINGSLAYER - Bring me the Horizon ft BABYMETAL "Are you circling the drainpipe, getting off on pain like you're corrupted?"

6. I GET OFF - Halestorm "You don't know that I know you watch me every night."

7. THIS IS LOVE - Air Traffic Controller "Could be my last dying breath But this is love, love, shut up, this is love."

8. TWO - Sleeping at Last "I just want to build you up, build you up till you're good as new ...And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too."

9. HUNTING GROUNDS - In this Moment "I was raised by wolves, taught to fight until the death. Slowly wear you down to your very last breath."

10. THE PEAK OF MY EXISTENCE - Jessica Mazin "You think you fuck everything up. All I know is I'm happiest when I'm with you."

11. PRETTY FLY - The Offspring "Our subject isn't cool, but he fakes it anyway."

[herunswithscissors]

I actually went to Gobblers Knob in Punxsutawney and was close enough to see the no shadow for myself before the drunk guys in top hats told us what they saw.

I experienced the whole frigid, boring, tedious, painful, boring, long, standing room only for 6 hours of physical hell, low rent, cheapass, tacky, corny, tawdry, obnoxious, fucking dry event for you.

It involved security pat downs for liquor on every man woman and child to keep out liquor. Weed was illegal by community consent thanks to Reagan. It was 10 degrees and dark in the dead of a Pennsylvania Winter. And there was absolutely no entertainment for hours till it got daylight. Then this local DJ comes on to entertain the out of towners. He's horrible.

Remember that we are the cash cow for this little group of local good old boys and their buddies. And for the entire town. And they treat us like shit. Just penned us up and hit us for cash money at every turn. This was 1998, so that wasn't unusual everyone outside major businesses required cash. I'm dead sure they have those little credit card scanners everywhere now. They milked us for everything they could think of.

And it was so fucking cold. You don't understand cold until you know standing huddled still in the dark cold. Most people never really experience cold. Insulation is really fucking good now. I overpaid so much when goose down jackets got sorta affordable. They were like miracles to me. I would have given anything for such a miraculous jacket then. I had to make do with layers of insulated flannels and long underwear. I did have true winter underwear from my Boy Scout days so I was a good bit less cold than my buddies who didn't know how to layer.

Most people only experience shoveling snow cold. Maybe skiing cold. A few hunting cold. (Real damn cold) And a mighty few who have lived in it for days just sitting around camping in tents with nice sleeping bags and a big fire to warm us. In teens or subzero temps. I have. You have to dig deep and layer well. And just accept being cold every single minute of your life outside of your sleeping bag.

So we were doing hunter cold. This was Western Pennsylvania. Everyone knew how to do hunter cold. My buddies were all suburban kids. I told them how to dress. A few listened.

That night we started at like 3am and drove 2 hours of dark Pennsylvania highway. Just darkness, trees, and sky. I can't remember if the stars were out. Something about those Appalachian Forest highways just are monotonous in a weird way. They are absolutely gorgeous. But they're so covered in deciduous trees on gentle mountains that everything looks the same like on Rt 80. That road is a hard one for truckers.

The constant flow of just changing contours covered in a static of waving green leaves for 1-2 hour intervals between truck stop interchanges and small towns that depend on that one Burger King to employ half the deserted depressed Dollar General ridden steel mill town.

And Sheetz. Sheetz was always a good choice. Every 2 hours along the entire highway. They set up shop in some small town, employ 30 people to make hot food to order and run a gas station for a pretty decent wage with benefits. Sheetz is one of the most decent employers out there. Predatory but decent and relatively generous about it all. It was a blessing and a lifeline to outside income for their little towns to keep new money coming into the local shopping mall or mechanic and their families. True trickle down economics works if the rich people spend their wealth in poor areas in poor businesses. I always tried to shop local when spending grant money even if Amazon or Firestone was cheaper/convenienter.

Convenienter is now a word. Take it as my gift to the world.

Anyway this monotonous optic flow of green static was bad as a passenger. You could only look outside for so long before you began having conversations with anyone about anything while shuffling the 10cds of shitty one hit wonders that were pretty bad. And I hated them all outside AC/DC.

As a driver it was hell. You NEEDED those Sheetz pitstops.

The monotony of the static flow outside was so monotonous yet you had to pay attention to these two little yellow lines surrounded by green static that moved with it all and you had to pay attention to in order to navigate the road. It was hell on the psyche. A loop of Appalachian road trip would break any insurgent.

Anyway we drove 2+ hours of this in snow. Thankfully it was in the dark. Always schedule Appalachian road trips for night. (Except in the Appalachian Autumn. Oh. My. God. My heaven is filled with autumn leaves.)

The darkness concealed the green static.

2+ hours of my best friends in the world talking shit to AC/DC and Ace of Base or whatever was the thing.

Those road trips are always fun. I strongly suggest. Even if you have to brave the Appalachian Static.

Anyway we arrive at Punxsutawney. It is in the middle of nowhere. Just another isolated abandoned steel town. They have a bit of a real downtown that most of these towns utterly lack. Often it's a gas station and a Dollar General and a bunch of run down houses with a school 40 minutes away it shares with the other rundown towns.

But Punxsutawney has a nice little town of happy people because of Phil and our fascination with this thing.

So of course there is not parking for 30,000 people. In a town of 5,000. So they rope off some field frozen solid and park us all charging Disney parking fees.

They subcontract school buses to haul people from the parking lot to the main event. The bus drivers are the first line of defense against alcohol and drugs.

Security is the second. Compete with pat downs and local cops along with PA Troopers with drug dogs and quotas to meet. No spoiling the fun with chemical enhancement!

Then you walk for fucking ever. Slowly. Going to the Knob.

It is deadly cold. And it begins to dawn on you what you are in for in this grassy pen with nothing but a porta potty or two for entertainment.

Look at all that fun!

This was before phones people. My friends and I were super studious and none of us owned any kind of video game. No handheld games. Maybe you thought to bring a newspaper or book. I think I brought a book. I'm sure at least one of them brought engineering notes to study. Most just talk and bitch about the cold.

Cold in the dark is different from cold in the light. It is so much deeper without the solar radiation slightly warming your surface and your spirits.

Then the dawn brings light and a little warmth and hope.

Then the dawn brings the DJ.

Small town DJs are interesting critters. They are small town famous and often they are unique personalities that can be really entertaining. At least between songs and commercials. Some of them are pretty amazing like Nipsey, Jen, and Earl in Harrisburg/Hershey/Lancaster/Lebanon area back when it was even more podunk backwater.

It was 1998 and this guy showed up.

So this small town guy is used to entertaining local venues with his shtick that everyone knows and loves with his slightly out of date look and inside local jokes.

Today he has 2 hours of just him on a stage in front of 30,000 pissed off college students who were expecting a lot more entertainment and maybe some food or drinks and tired & grumpy rural folk hoping to get in a little fun and excitement before going to work. At least half the crowd had found a way to sneak in a flask or something. So people were unruly.

And we just watch the poor guy spend 2 hours fighting for his life up there feeling bad for him trying to entertain us while hosting his fun little morning show for his listeners who are probably loving it all.

He got heckled. Badly. This was 25 years ago and we weren't very nice.

After 2 hours of this entertainment. The main event started.

My heroes arrived on the scene.

They have been partying all night long. In a nice warm place with warm food, comfy chairs/couches, running water, and a ton of alcohol. They are all drunk as skunks. The all come up on stage, wave and whip up the crowd, pull out their buddy, give him some scritches and lift him up to the crowd like he's the new Lion King, and then examine his shadow, make their proclamation, smile and wave, go back to their party, and count their money.

This is the highlight of the entire event. The peak of excitement. The best it got for the whole day.

Then they shoved the DJ back on stage, the national media and anyone with connections left, and the rest of us were kept penned up for another hour or 2 till it was our turn to take a school bus back to our frozen car, a 2+ hour drive through winter highways, and afternoon classes.

It was so much fun.

[imadarkraincloud]

3 AM

Here I am awake at three in the morning. Here in the wee hours long before the birds even get up is me, typing away because I am awake. Am I awake because I cant sleep? no not at all I could sleep right here and now. Al I awake because I'm uncomfortable ? no not at all I aim very comfortable and ready too snooze . Then why you ask am I not asleep? because everyone around me keeps me awake! if it isn't one thing its another and to top it off even the damn cat thinks its his breakfast time so he is bothering me to feed him and keeping me awake. There are some days where the Gods and everything in the galaxy is against you and tonight that is definitely me. Maybe this is happening so that I get my writing fix for a few more hours, maybe this is happening just to make my life difficult ha ha, maybe just because that's the way life works sometimes. I have been awoken about 4 times tonight and tonight was a night I really needed some rest cause it was a bus day and I am sore and very tired. But if I don't complain to you guys then who will listen right?

Sometimes I often wonder is that kind off thing with the late nights and the insomnia at times and not going to sleep at all is it just part of the writers lifestyle ? awake at odd times, writing when you have the ideas even if it is at 3am in the morning and you just want to sleep. it reminds me of the film "Throw momma from the train" with Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal two aspiring writers where they say that a writers motto is "a writers writes, always". Now more than ever I wonder if that would have been what I was born to do if only I pursued it and just forgot about all my fears about not making it and being rejected. At 41 years old I think that maybe more so than ever I may be ready to have my work accepted or rejected and screw what others think. Hearing about the amount of times J.K. Rowling was rejected before Harry Potter was accepted is inspiring when you think about defeat and fear and not wanting to quit. For the most part as a writer you have an obligation not to quit because you have a duty to insure that your story gets the largest audience possible. Maybe this is my awakening and my moment where I realize writing is something that I should be doing with my life. It brings me peace and joy and has always been a positive force in my life.

Of course this could all be the ramblings of a very tired man ha ha. Till next time take care.

[caregiver-twylas-daycare]

Respectable, respectable. I wish i could sleep in 'till 10, haha. 'tis truly the curse of having to be on a schoolbus at about 6:50 am. Also i just simply cannot do it, my brain will wake me up at the most bizarre hours seemingly out of spite for the universe, haha. I think the latest i've stayed up at night is till about 3am, and then i Regretted it, hehe. the night owl just isn't in my bones, sadly.

I have a very lovely memory related to waking up early, though. My family used to go to this lovely campsite and manage there for about a week at a time. I was about eight, and i woke up at 5, and sat on the porch watching the sun rise, and the humming birds fly about.

-🌳 Phil!

I totally get that! I try and go to bed early, mainly when I need to, and it just doesn't happen. I will sit on my phone (I have a bad habit) and scroll through social media like crazy. And then the next thing I know is that it's 1-2 am and I'm still not tired.

I remember I went and had a sleepover with friends, and they lived out in the middle of nowhere, and I couldn't really sleep but was able to watch the sunrise. I did a bunch of girls out camping as well and was always the first to go to sleep, but the last to wake up.

[bitchin-deep]

Grrrr I love off. Like the video game. It's such an interesting exploration of some fucked up world and I love it. I've seen so many little theories about symbolisms and they all make sense to me but at the same time, it does kinda just feel like the last glimpse of a living breathing world with complicated if not cruel systems. The gameplay itself is far from groundbreaking (Aeggh.. Not my favorite. I do find it funny I have 2 pages of notes for all the game's puzzles though) moving it into any other medium just wouldn't work. The ost is ooooiuuhaaavvgghhhhhh and I still go back and listen to even the most grating of songs sometimes. By that I mean each song fits its own environment so well. They all weave together with each zone and each room and each other track in an area to just create incredibly rich atmospheres. For me, it was enough that despite the rough over world art I could just get lost in it. Speaking of the art, it's so silly, I love it. Now and then I think about trying to emulate mortis' style for my own because I love it so much. It has such a broad range of whimsical to horrifying and whatever lies between the two.

I don't know if it was stress or what but the first time I opened off was 11pm on a school week. I played it till around 3am before tearing myself away from the game to get some sleep. Off absolutely seeped into my psyche and just gave me horrible nightmares that night. But MAN my first thought the next day was "oh man I should play that viddy game again..." I don't think there's ever been any other piece of media that's affected me like that. Love this silly little game.

It's also one of the very few games I've gotten something like a 100% in. Not much to brag about for this game ig but normally after a playthrough I can't get myself to even touch a game anymore. AAAH. Love off

Just remembered the fucking yellow image I'm pissed

[dangerously-human]

Any proper writing night requires turning off the brain a little first, plus takeout. To that end, we have a spread of only the finest foods I can never eat in front of other people (e.g. tuna melt and anchovy-and-mushroom pizza), to take a few bites out of each and make a weekend's worth of meals out of later, and I decided to rewatch A Walk to Remember, which so far was a lot better when I was 22 but it's still kinda cute. Not trying to stay up till 3am this time, despite that usually being the most productive kind of writing night, because I'm visiting my sunshine child and her family tomorrow and that's a mighty long drive to make on no sleep, but I guess we'll see where the night takes us!

"Rachel," I hear you saying, eyeing my glass with obvious misgivings, "do you really think white wine is a good idea to use as a mixer for pineapple rum?" To which I reply, probably not! Alas, that's what I impulsively poured, having just remembered I had a bottle on the kitchen table buried amongst the leftover birthday things, and it's actually not tasting half bad with a healthy dose of lemon juice added in. Though, truth be told, I've learned just about anything is drinkable with enough lemon juice. As long as I don't try to drink it all immediately, how bad could it actually be?

[cailzatt]

When you have to get up early for work tomorrow and you're not even remotely tired. Pls help 😊😊😊

[solluve]

Domsetic Luxiem Headcanons!! ahshuaduw

not proofread!!! mentions of spiders, squishing spider, ew spider ────────────────────────

vox

CANT DO SHIT TBH like "oh he's a housewife" he's not. Like sure, hell clean and cook BUT HE ONLY DOES IT WHEN YOU TELL HIM TO he messes with u to Like

"oh can u clean the bedroom?"

"wdym.. my demonic aura cleansed everything already."

WE DIDNT MEAN SPIRITUALLY GO CLEAN IT When you force him to, he actually does a good job!! Like clothes are folded, floors are swept and there's a huge ass pile of clothes in ur closet!! MF GTE UR ASS OVER HERE HES HOT BUT HES NOT GETTING AWAY he also likes to meditate but like.. isolated. If you disturb him he's gonna make YOU sleep on the couch half joke he might tho He takes pride into his meditation, you would want peace and quiet too yk?! but if u guys have a pet, he'll let that mf disturb him any dayy why does a dog get special privileges UR THE ONE WHO PAYS 50% OF RENT he prob has those doobermans he probably also bribed the apartment facility to let him in I'm like 100% sure that dog is here illegally but he loves the dog and you do too! partly. he can't dance for the life of him however it's it's embarrassing HE COULD DO TRADITIONAL DANCING !! but don't hit him up with some 21st century shit he'll look like he's got it and then fall mid way. gotta get his old as the the hospital HIS BONES CRACKED.

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shu

ehe hes everything we wanted yall !! I'm joking. This mf DOESNT KNOW SLEEP like you'll be going to get a drink at 3am and then straight up see some demonic looking figure in the hall its just him trying to fix some shit HE BREAKS THINGS JUST SO HE CAN FIX THEM

"how did the...light break?"

"ion know but what I do know is that I can fix it!"

CATCH HIM ON THE SERCUIRTY CAMERAS hes useful tho in thay aspect!! your landlord ain't getting any money from damages. Dishwasher broke? Hes on it !! The TV isn't working as well? hes on it !! this is an ad for shu yamino services go support him He also does wack as shit at 3am Yk how I said he was fixing something at night while u were getting a drink? He was fixing A SPIDER. SPIDER he said "oh !!! I stepped on him so I wanted to help him!" HOW U GON FIX THAT HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW HE STEPPED ON IT You also caught him fixing Christmas tree during December. He laughed and said, "it wasn't bright enough!" a police visited yall 2 hrs later one of ur neighbors called the cops since it was way to bright. He had to make it up with cuddles xoxo, and pay the fine xoxoxo

______ mysta GET GIM AWAY MANS TO FERAL like literally can't do SHIT maid mysta maid mysta!! YOUR MYSTAKEN (do u get the joke) HE JUST RUINS EVERYTHING you just cleaned the floors!! why is FUCKING MUD STAINS ALREADY?!? Like he can't clean, CANTNFUCKING COOK (we all know this.) I DONT even want to elaborate on how bad he cooks. You Handel the cleaning, cooking, and what does he do? he def ain't sitting there pretty (ugly/j) instead, he opts to get the money and shit !! But like It's concerning Like last time I checked he had money to pay rent and all that but....he had to much money left. More than usual. Your guys Financials were good dwdw! BUT HOW HE GONNA HAVE THOUSANDS LEFT HES SELLING DRUGS/ the obvious explanation and that his freinds make him do crazy ass stunts and give him money/j "do a flip off that porch. 10$ mf." LMFAOO he's also just...insane. You'll wake up at 3am again to see him on the phone with elmo LMFAOOO THOSE APPS THAT SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF CHILDREN IT SCARES HIM TO you'll hear the most frightful voice just like "when do you want the money?! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE" you have to hack in a delete that app for the mfer to sleep at night. He'll boast like "I'm not afraid of that shit it's all fake!" wait till u put a elmo plush on his bed ______

Luca YAHH HES SO EUSHWUS he's so cute omg but so messy. LIKE HE CAN CLEAN AFTER HIMSELF BUT HE HAS A HYPER MINDSET so it's like one thing after another, he can't slow down to clean. It's not that bad to clean after him, he doesn't make a bad bad mess. BUT HE DEF NEEDS TO LEARN TO TAKE A BREAK Nothing is shecduled either. It's just like, do this, then that, then this, the profit all of our belongings to sushang(ehe love her) But when he comes home from a long day.. omg Let me elaborate HE WAS CUDDLY ALWAYS BUT HES JUST extra extra cuddly he dosent want to do shit. he'll drag you from whoever you are and force you on the couch/bed and yall with just stay there Maybe for ever HE JUST FALLS ALSEEP SO EASILY like it's kinda concerning hyper energetic turing anemic at any possible moment he has he'll drag you along all the time for those moments He doesn't even speak he just mumbles and occasionally huffs out of relief he so cute omg but then THEN WHEN HES HYPER AGAIN HE WILL BODY SLAM YOU ONTO THE BED OR SOFA AGAIN CHILL THIS AINT THE WWE he doesn't know how strong he is omg.

______

Ike FIANLLY THE MOST LIKE REASONABLE MAN OUT OF EVERYONE but he's like a neat freak also, Like....did u just leave a fucking go gurt on the table when you went to get ur phone? DIRTY ASS MF !!!! he just wants to make sure the house is clean some people say, "your house reflects you" And I think that's true but!! he we we all know he gon snap THE MFER HE NEEDS TO PUT UP WITH his freinds trying be likebthe power rangers or some shit I find it funny they are just all different colors palettes BUT HES GREAT !! HE COOKS, CLEANS, ACTUALLY HAS CALM HOBBIES did I say calm mbmb let's not forget his karaoke SKILLS HELLO??? THE SCREAMING HE CAN DO THE AMOUNT OF TIMES U GUYS GOT NOISE COMPLAINTS nobody would've guess it was from him. he just smiles, aplogizes and hands over the money he handing over the money so willingly cause that mf KNOWS IT WAS HIS FAULT but he don't give a shit LMFAOO he'll shut the door, wait a little, then start cursing out the neighbors in Swedish he's he's scary. he's literally like those innocent ass looking dogs names princesses that's a devil in secret he's ur devil in secret tho <33

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[tbhchoi]

reese puffs

pairing: seonghwa x gn reader

genre: fluff

synopsis: you were not expecting to have to fight someone at 3am for your favorite late time snack.

word count: 1.4k

sitting up in bed while letting out a groan, you find that your clock reads 3am. you haven’t been able to get a wink of sleep all night. on top of that, you had to skip dinner due to having a study session, not returning till late in the night. the mix of hunger and absolutely no sleep, is starting not to bode well for you. for a few minutes, you have an internal debate. is it really worth it? you think to yourself, knowing you have little to no snack food in your dorm you ponder going down to the communal area which features a well stocked snack bar. the feeling of hunger and the new craving for your favorite cereal, and late time snack eventually won. dragging yourself out of bed, you rummage through your wallet, making sure to have exactly $3.12, the exact amount for one to-go bowl of reese puffs. throwing on froggy slippers, you head out the door and downstairs to retrieve the desired snack.

not having been out this late alone many times, you find out the dorm halls are rather eerie during the night. you'd probably be a little spooked if you didn't know most of the people living here. there's also a cold draft running up your spine, coming from some unknown place and you’re regretting not grabbing your matching frog robe. knowing you almost did but the fear of someone seeing you had you putting it back, not like anyone would've seen you this late anyways, right?

finally arriving at the wanted destination, you make your way to the snacks. halfway there, you stop abruptly in your tracks. noticing another body already at the area, you hide yourself behind one of the walls. peeking your head out, you observe the figure at the snack bar. after coming to the conclusion that you didn't know him, you decide to stay back until he leaves. he probably didn't want any company this late either.

the man quickly leaves, you swear he wasn't even there for more than a minute. and you know for certain that you didn't see him pay, but it's a little after 3am and you really don't care all that much. that is, of course, until you walk up to the snack bar and see all of the reese puffs gone. being here this morning, you knew they were almost out, but you figured they'd still have a few or even just one. quickly turning your head, you can still see the man that just left. focusing on him as much as you can, you see two, the last two may you add, cups of the snack you walked all the way down here for. all of a sudden him not paying became a criminal offense.

"hey!" you shout down the hallway to the unknown man. he jumps while turning around, not noticing you before due to you being hidden.

"um, yes?" he questions, unsure as to why you're shouting at him at almost 3:30am. little did he know he had a big storm coming.

"how dare you?"

"excuse me?"

"i saw you take, or should i say steal, the last two snack cups of reese puffs," accusing him.

you can tell he finally caught on by the look he gives you. "i have no idea what you're talking about," he says smugly. and if you could, you'd slap that grin right off his face because the suns almost out, you've gotten no sleep, and nothing is coming between you and your food.

"you're literally holding both of them!"

he looks down at his hands, forgetting that he was holding them out in the open. he draws them into his chest protectively.

"well they're mine, i got them first," is all he says.

you give him a glare, "you didn't even pay for them."

"and?"

you let out an exaggerated sigh before continuing, "listen here mystery man," starting to get closer to him, "it's going on 3:30am, i haven't slept at all and i'm starving. i forced myself out of bed and even brought the exact amount of money for what i wanted, which are those reese puffs"

"well good luck getting them," is the last of what he says before turning around and heading back where he came from.

"do you really need both of them?" you ask, sadly.

he doesn't stop walking, but his steps falter as if he was about to turn back around. giving up, you decide to head back to the snack area to look for something else that's within your price range. that price range being the same three dollars you came here with. this task ends up being harder than you thought it'd be. knowing a simple granola bar wouldn't curb your appetite, but anything bigger seems to cost a little too much in your opinion. damn colleges, you think, rolling your eyes, capitalizing on students hunger.

after a few more minutes, you're about to give up as you hear another body enter the room. looking up, you notice the same man from before. he's holding the same two cups, but this time they're both open, filled with milk and a spoons dipped in them. timidly, he walks up to you.

"here," he says softly. you stare up at him with your eyes so big he probably thinks they're about to fall out of your sockets.

"are you being serious?" you ask skeptically.

he nods, handing you the bowl and walking off to the lounge area to sit and eat his own.

staring at the snack in your hands and then to him, you make a quick decision before walking over to him, "do you mind if i sit with you?" you ask.

"go ahead."

you both sit and eat in silence for a short while. sneaking glances at each other. you never realized how handsome he was, but in your defense you had more pressing issues to deal with instead of his beauty. finally he breaks the silence.

"seonghwa," he says. you stare at him with a confused look on your face.

"that's my name," he explains.

"y/n," smiling at him. a tiny bit of guilt strikes you all of a sudden.

"i'm, um, sorry by the way," you apologize awkwardly, "i was a little harsh over something as small as cereal."

he lets out a small chuckle, "no worries, i totally get it. no one can come between me and my food either."

"i like your slippers by the way," he says with a grin on his face and you swear your face has never gotten red so fast.

he laughs at your reaction before jumping into another topic. the conversation flowed smoothly from there. maybe even a little too smoothly for your liking. you've never met him before, but you two were talking as if you've been best friends since childhood. after the apologies, there was never another beat of awkwardness. you also don't realize how slowly you both start eating your cereal, not wanting to cut this time short so soon. after a few conversations, you think you may have judged him too quickly from his smug persona from earlier. the man in front of you being nothing of the sort. he was probably just a hungry, sleep deprived college student like you at the end of the day.

before you know it, you can see the sun rising from the windows in the room. this is what sparks the thought that maybe you should head back and try to get a few hours of rest.

him agreeing has you both standing up, bidding your goodbyes. both letting out quick apologies again for earlier before you turn on your heels to leave.

"y/n?" he calls out to you, making you turn back towards him.

"yeah?"

"i'm not sure if this is too soon or anything, but could i have your number by chance?" he asks, "i know we got off on the wrong foot and everything."

without missing a beat, you pull out your phone to have him put his number, him doing the same for you. after the short exchange, you say your goodbyes for real this time.

heading back to your room, with a full stomach this time, you crash on your bed, falling into a short but deep slumber. when you wake up, one notification stands out to you. it's seonghwa asking the next time you're free. feeling heat rise to your face, you quickly type out a reply, excited to see what arises from this new friendship.

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