#I'm not gonna get into it because it's late and i have things i need to do tomorrow
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After Logan was given a piece of the girls clothing, he gave a funny look to the officer.
"... did she own rabbits?"
"Awww bunnys!!" Wade coes, interrupting the conversation. He couldn't smell the scent, but he could tell just from the shirt alone that there was animal hair on it. White, slightly dark tipped.
The officer gave a scrunched up look. "About that... she IS a rabbit.."
"What?" Logan growls, about to rip this man a new one when a woman came to him with big watery eyes. "She's not a rabbit! She's a shifter! S-she just got her powers a couple of weeks ago a-and now my baby girl is lost in these woods!"
"So is she a rabbit or not? Because she sure as fuck smells like one."
"Dang Logan, She lost her daughter, it's not her fault." Wade whispers to him, knowing how frustrated he must be but he didn't want him snapping at the poor woman, whos shirt was already soaked (and starting to freeze) from tears, her hair was a mess, the bags under her eyes suggested that she hasn't rested since she's found out her child was missing, and her skirt was hand stitched, patched in some spots.
"Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down." The officer said.
"Don't tell him to calm down! There's a child missing, and so far, you've done jack shit!!" Wade pipes up, stepping forward and pointing a finger at his nose, actually touching it, only for his hand to be slapped away.
"We've tried tracking her down but..." he starts as the mother sobs into her apron.
"Buuuuttt??" The bald man in 2 different hats questioned, not ready to freeze his ass off for this, but he would want someone to do this if his daughter was missing.
Oh.. those were the days. Logan and him arguing over parenting choices, having dinner together, sleeping soundly at night knowing their family was happy and healthy. But now they were empty nesters.
Heh. That must have been the best 20 years of Wade's life. The only good thing about this is that his daughter having his genetics, so she could stay 16 forever if she really wanted too. Each time she died she regenerated back into that mouthy little girl, though it was odd to watch a 25 year old woman turn into a 16 year old again, especially when remembering that she's 21+ by now.
'No way, young lady, you can't drink your underage!!'
'Dad, i'm 25...'
Man... they grew up so fast.. And they were so proud of all of them. Even the adopted ones along the way like that little rascal Leo who apprently was doing quite well for himself now that he was all grown up. Poor guy ended up having a hairy back and a mane so large that it almost mirrored Sabertooths... so much for being a 'late bloomer'
The sweet thoughts go away when the man gestures to three dead rabbits next to them on the side of the road. "The dogs keep going after our suspects.."
"Woah, Hold on a second. You're having a problem with your highly trained shepherd dog's prey drive so you got THE WOLVERINE?? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard and I once googled if I could put a fork in my toaster because half my toaster strudel fell out instead of just unplugging it!" He shouts, arms going up. "Who's in charge of this operation!?"
"You didn't find that out before agreeing to come!?" Logan growls at him only for Wade to roll his eyes. "Oh, calm your knot, Jacob. I didn't know our helpless little girl was actually a single rabbit lost in a forest wonderland!"
Logans brows furrow with that 'Who the fuck is Jacob?' Look, his face showing more confusion then anger now.
"Alright. So here's what we're gonna do." Wade starts.
"Yeah, No. You already ruined your chances at this, it's my turn. You litsen to me, now!" He says, making Wade's hands go up. "Ooh~ Yes sir."
"Shut up!"
"Ok-"
"I'm taking this. I need a coms, give me a couple of hours and a med kit. The kid might be injured, so I might have to fix'em up before carrying them back here. They'll be weak, so maybe some food too. What does she like? Actually, never mind, get me the file." Grabbing the clothing, he decided it would be better to
"OOh fuck- I'm so wet right now." Wade mutters under his breath, getting a 'what the fuck' glance from the officer.
____
By the time Logan collected all that he needed to leave, Wade (of course) was strapped.
"I told you not to bring those. If anything, the gun powder will scare her, and she'll run off." Logan muttered.
"You never know when you'll need to shoot something, Loagie. Besides, I have flares too. And the snacks." He says, opening the bag as they walked, rummaging through it. "Why is there so much deer jerky in here?"
"I like deer jerky." He grumbles, slightly annoyed as the air was pricking his nose.
"I know that but is that the only thing they packed?? Aren't rabbits herbivores?" He says, still looking with a frown. Maybe he should have taken Ro up on that soup...
Not to mention, while he had one idiot in his ear, he had another in the other one.
'Logan, you should be coming up to where-'
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I can smell it." Glancing over, he saw that the puddle of blood from the other rabbit half way already covered with a new layer of pure white.
Squinting, he breathed slowly and smelled deep.
"There's a storm coming.." he says over the mic.
'We know, that's why this is so important.'
"Wait a second, you sent kurt out here KNOWING there was a storm rolling in!? And then you dragged me out here knowing damn well I've never stepped foot in these woods!?"
'He volunteered, and we called you first. You just refused to pick up. And yes you have, you have a cabin somewhere out here.'
"No I don't!"
'Other Logan did.' Scott mutters.
"How many times to I have to fucking tell you that I don't have his memories!? You sent me into unknow-"
His nose twitches, stopping as he got a whiff.
"Oh, he's got something. Whatcha smell boy? Show me!" Wade coes, giggling a bit as he pats his knees, causing Logan to growl, blushing, embarrassed at the puppy talk.
Walking off, he changes direction, leaving the premade path of boot tracks and paw prints.
'What are you doing? Stay on the path!... Logan? Logan! Now is not the time to go all lone wolf! Loga-'
The Wolverine gives a snarl of annoyance, trying to both pinpoint and smell with the nagging in his ear. Taking the head set off and turned, dropping it in Wade's hands, who made a 'Oooh!' Sound, putting it on instead with a big smirk.
"Hiya! You're on air with us at red and yellow radio station! What's your question caller?"
'What? Wade! Give it back to Logan! If he goes off track, we won't be able to-'
"Aht, i'm gonna have to cut you off, caller, This is our mission, our gig. Don't worry, I won't lose the big guy. Right now, he's looking at a tree. And now hes sniffing. Oh now he's glaring at me, and now hes-"
"Wade!! Hush!"
"Sorry caller, gotta go-"
'Wade? Deadpool? Wade!! Don't you dare go rouge! Wade!!!'
Thinking about old Worst Wolverine being called by each of the X men individually after they have a falling out because Logan injured a child very badly to the point the only reason they didn't die is because another classmates healing abilities all while he just... walked away.
Well- ran.. away... leaving a child to die. He's tried to explain thousands of times that he blacked out, that he didn't remember doing any of this. He tries to say that maybe it was someone else, that mystique did this shit all the time in his universe.
"Yeah, well!? This isn't your universe! Because the REAL Logan would never do this.." Scott screams at him as Logan leaves the Mansion for the last time. He doesn't come back. He didn't even get to tell his Xkits goodbye. It got to the point where Laura dropped out, taking Gabby with her, wanting nothing to do with the school anymore.
So now, here he is. In Maine, an old fisherman, part-time hunter, and the only people he lets around him have healing factors.
He lives with Wade, who still- by the way- doesn't have any grey hairs (maybe because hes bald but- yk)
One night, while Logan is out, making himself feel useful by feeding the small town they're in, providing for more poor families, feeding their children's hungry mouths and asking nothing in return but respect. (It gets to the point that the children cheer when they see Logan, wanting to hug him, but he growls at them to get off, too afraid of hurting them) Wade finally awnsers the ringing phone.
"What." There's vemon in his tone, but soon his eyes widden, and he frowns.
Walking outside he stands there a moment, knowing Logan can hear him.
He ignores him, looking at the fish, litsening, his breathing slowing as he skewers some with his claws. Its not exactly spear fishing but- close.
"What?" His voice is almost annoyed, as if knowing what his long time Husband was about to ask him.
"Logan.."
"No."
"Logan-"
He shakes his head. "Don't care."
"...She's missing."
He pauses, turning after scraping the dead fish into a bucket. "Who's missing?"
"There's a little girl missing."
"So?"
"Logan!"
"I'm not helping them, Wade. That's final." He growls.
For a moment, Wade frowns, but he didn't learn to obey thy husband like the bible said.
He never did.
"Logan, there's a 6 year old out there. All alone. Cold. Probably going to be eaten by wolves!" He shouts from the back porch, knowing his place enough to stay here and not come near his fish. Even after all these years, Logan was still finicky over his food. "And all because some old fart won't help her!"
The silence thickened as Logan thought about it, the hero side of his brain yelling 'We'll find her!' And the hurt old part of him saying 'That's not my buisness.'
".. You find her then." He compromises.
"I can't! And if anyone knows those Canadian woods, it's you! You said you knew those forests like the back of your hand!" Wade protests. "If I could smell someone through miles of freezing snow, I would. But I can't. So here I am, asking The Wolverine to go do what he does best."
He grunts, glaring. "And that is?"
"Helping a little girl get back to her mommy..." Wade says, knowing that he was sold. He knew he was sold the moment he told him to do it himself. "She doesn't have much time, Logan." He sighs, putting a cherry on top.
The greyed man huffed, grumbling under his breath for a moment. "Who will stay here with the dog?"
"Gabby can! She loves gabs." Gott'em.
"What about Laura? Why can't she find her?"
Shit.
"Logan, Laura has barley been in those woods. You've lived in them for years. So. What will it be. Pull up your panties and go save a little girls life? Or do it anyway when our baby girl gets lost too?"
Logan scoffs, disappointed. "..She wouldn't get lost.."
"She would if the scent kept being blown away.."
Wade adds, seeing the 'god damn it, he's right.' look on the old mans brow.
He lets out a large sigh. "...I don't want any help."
"Oh well too fucking bad bucko, I'm gonna go pack my snow suit!"
"No! I mean... I don’t want any help from THEM.."
"No promises. I'm not letting poor Susie die just because you have a grudge. Now put your fish in the freezer and lets go! They're coming to pick us up-"
"I ain't flying!!" Logan snarls, watching as his lover ran off, having a deep feeling that he would be in the air shortly..
#search and rescue#find her au#scott summers#old man logan#old man wade#logan wolverine#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#deadclaws#ellie wilson#eleanor camacho
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I know this is 100% my personal problem and idk if anyone can relate but as an afab person with some weird gender shit going on I kinda hate it whenever dnp make jokes like "you know us we don't like pussy/tits" etc like 😭 I love that they have fully healed from the comphet "fyi I like vagina" era but I hate being made to feel like a Woman™ because of my anatomy if that makes sense. Like my brain interprets it as "we don't like those traits because they make you a woman and we're gay" idk it gives me like a weird wave of dysphoria every time they say it 😭😭 the first time I watched BIG I interpreted Dan's monologue about "I don't care what kind of anatomy you've got going on, I don't feel attracted to the signs on bathroom doors" as being like trans inclusive but I fear he's walked it back with these constant jokes dsdfghjkl and to be clear I'm not saying anyone is obligated to find me or my body type attractive like that's not what this is about. It's just the equation of genitals/anatomy with gender idk. And this is not even really something that's specific to dnp and I know there's a lot of discourse about genital preferences or whatever idk idk maybe I should've just sent this to phannieconfessions and allowed everyone to take it in the worst possible faith over there. I just need to get it off my chest
#im still trying to figure out if i should book an appointment with a gender specialist#i do have a gender dysphoria diagnosis on my file#but one of the things that's held me back from wanting to try T or whatever for such a long time is this fear of not passing#or of like not fitting into anyone's ideal of gender#like if i were to go on T and start presenting more masc. would that even make me feel better#if i still had to constantly listen to people saying “yeah but you're still a woman tho bc you don't have a dick sorry :)”#i know they're just joking but people on here certainly seem to take those jokes very seriously idk and I'm starting to take it to heart#as well i guess#i need to get back in the fucking gym im so skinny rn and it's making me feel even worse#I've been having trouble eating lately and I've lost a few kg. my arms are so skinny i fucking hate it here#sorry I'm relistening to the stereos and dan made a “we don't like slits” joke + i got like 3 hours of sleep bc i woke up with a migraine#and I'm losing it a bit idk#turning reblogs off because i know this is the piss on the poor website and ppl will decide to interpret this as#“im gonna kms unless dan and phil tell me they wanna fuck me” dssdghhfdjkljhjll 😭😭😭
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this looks like a long time but initially it said 1 MONTH 15 days
#i think i will just have to grab cutscene footage from online... im not waiting for that sh... lmao#this has me admitting that i'm not a gamer and left that identity behind some time ago... which is kind of sad but ok#thoughh when witcher 4 drops... 😈#oh my god i typed witcher 34 instead of witcher 4. i think that already exists on the internet LOL#i'm actually not as excited for w4 as i am for the remaster of the first game#i also don't have any saves and i need footage of like some late-quest stuff (just for a mention of lore inconsistencies LOL)#like what do i do go beat tw3 AGAIN just to get a clip of ciri facing the white frost#...................... well........#ok ngl actually a shot of emhyr in the beginning of the game would be better to explain 'lore inconsistencies'#because that's probably more aggravating to me than the 'we changed the white frost so you can fight it' thing#that thing is understandable. that's like basic video game logic. antagonists can be fought...#and though i don't like that messaging that forces of nature can be fought...#i understand this is a AAA game with outcomes that need to be written as endings. it's not an experiential VN#emhyr in tw3 though has just annoyed me and has actually annoyed me ever since i found out his character from the books#after all that you're gonna take him and pretend he just wanted to be a better dad and have a good heir on the throne...#well ok he did want a good heir on the throne. to be fair. just. not ciri but her child ... ahem#tw3 just dropped that pregnancy plot like a hot potato 😭 because it's so uncomfortable#without vilgefortz to decapitate in the end and the lodge actively plotting around i admit it loses its meaning#also to be fair tw3 does not have that throughline about reproduction and destiny that the books do#like the begetting of progeny is a huge huge huge theme in the books and so ciri's storyline is just one of a few ways it comes up#without geralt and yennefer specifically being angsty at the start about children it doesn't really work as a plot for ciri later on#the elbow-high diaries
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i need to draw the new strawberrry cake girl or im gonna d i e
#I am school i cannot :(#And i. Wouldn't even share it on tumblr cause i am so paranoid of having an irl find my blog#But i need to do this so much#fambles#im l osing it at 12:07pm on a tuesday#Update I am still eepy cause again i did not get to sleep much but hyperfixation hath awoken me >:3 i must THEORIZE AND PREDICT#And im not dying as much as I was this morning 👍 if im still like. Owowowooww by tomorrow or late tonight doctor but like its#Going away kinda.#I get strange health things often just wait it out :^#Rambles#SHE LOOKS SO DHEKNWHAJSJSJN#i am going to theatre kid cringe in the yttd fandom because guys guys the curtains and the stage match up she's dressed like a rich#Theatre goer or almost like she's a puppet or a marionette or the puppeteer#I'm gonna lose it i love her aesthetic and design and shhsbsjsjsnnsnansnnsnannbb#Two sides of my I LOVE THIS#dark purples and my edgy middle school phase#And pastel pink with her SKIRT AND FRILLS AND HER RIBBONS AND
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So I'm not gonna mince words: the book is not good. That's not necessarily a bad thing though imo, Twilight is awful and it still got people to read, and once they started reading they found better books to enjoy.
There is a significant amount of people who hate the book just because it's easy to hate. It's easy to sling around words like "immature" and "vapid" and "convoluted", because Lightlark is all of these things, but there's a group of people who like to go out and shame the people who do like it. They are just bullies who likely haven't even read the books but just read a review or two and decided to make it a moral thing. It's not.
I'm glad you enjoyed the book. I did not.
I think that Lightlark is what you get when someone who only consumes media and never engages with it intellectually tries to write a series.
I have a lot of issues with it, enough to make my own video essay on the matter. My largest issue is that it's marketed as a Young Adult book when the plot is clearly better suited for New Adult or just plain adult fiction, but it's easier to market YA to tiktok users because the demographic there is around 13-19. There's other issues including:
- The lack of characterization in any of the characters. Alex Aster treats characters like plot devices, and has them do things just because that's what they need to do to move the plot exactly in the way she wants it to move. To avoid them doing things out of character, then, they simply don't have any character and are all cardboard cutouts. Can you describe anybody beyond their physical appearance and use in the story? Who was Aurora's sister? What's Azul's late husband's name? Why did Grim fall in love with Isla? How old is Isla?
- The twists. Having twists in your book isn't a bad thing, the problem is that there's no narrative difference between Aster's twists and Aster's exposition dumps. It feels less like putting a puzzle together and more like taking notes from a poorly edited textbook. Also the sheer amount of them are exhausting.
- The dialogue. This is just a personal preference of mine but I can't stand dialogue that doesn't sound natural and realistic. If you can't imagine hearing this conversation in real life, I am immediately yanked out of the story.
- The themes, or lack thereof. This could've been a story about so many things, about societal expectations, about what it means to sacrifice your own desires for the greater good, about violence against women and the harm it perpetuates. We get none of those things.
There's more but I don't want to lose you. I think I already have, I'm in too deep now though.
I want to reiterate, there's nothing wrong with liking Lightlark. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you keep reading more books and continue to expand your tastes. Maybe one day you'll look back on Lightlark and cringe the way I do when I think about the books I used to like(Maximum Ride, the Immortal Instruments, Harry Potter).
I was very excited to look for fanart and see what other people thought of a book I was reading to see if other people enjoyed it as much as I did.....only to find....that everyone...hates it.
I'm a little bit sad because I really enjoyed it. Did I read the same book as ya'll?
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aaaaaaa okey I ordered the speaker and the star projector. (and a beauty blender and a neck support and the new volume of yona and the garbage disposal cleaner matt wanted.) it was still only $35 actually out of pocket and I get my allowance in the morning which will completely replace that amount. I will definitely like the speaker and if I don't like the star projector arin will.
#yes this did take me an entire week#I don't like spending money. I like having money and I like having things.#but I must spend money to get things.#but I have had a very draining weekend and I deserve nice things and that's what gift cards are supposed to be for.#(frankly even if nice things do need to be earned which is a notion that deserves to be critically examined)#(depending on how one defines 'nice things')#(I have more than earned all the nice things I could ever want between keeping other people alive and keeping myself alive.)#(we glamorize Big Actions way too fuckin much btw but that's tangential off the 'keeping other people alive' thing)#(Big Actions often have the smallest fuckin impact tbh. they mean nothing without thousands of small actions.)#I very nearly didn't order the projector but it's late and I'm in my room alone and I turned the lamp off early#so that no one can tell I'm still up since my brother is still here#and it's just a tiny bit too dark for being awake purposes#only a tiny bit though#there's good light through the window because of the courtyard#and the projector has an auto-off#idk I think it's worth trying. if I like it they can give me extra discs for it for christmas#and if I don't I can give it to arin#the notion that I can try stuff without 100% Committing Forever is. not one I grew up with.#like. mom started me on piano lessons for my 9th birthday cuz I'd mentioned it at some point#and I faithfully attended every week (barring schedule conflicts or illness) until I moved away for college at 19.#you had to promise you really wanted something for real if you were gonna get it and god help you if you were wrong.#even though neither of us were prone to tantrums or greed even without those tight boundaries.#(and even though she did not hold herself to that standard at all from what I can see.)
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Why am I like this
#I'm so frustrated with myself#I wanted to have dinner two hours ago but I just didn't#and now I've sat around for two hours really hungry doing nothing#so I've wasted two hours I could have been productive during#and now I'm barely even hungry anymore I just feel kinda sick and so angry with myself#and I really doubt I'll manage to get anything done once I've finally cooked and eaten dinner#because it's late and I already feel tired#and the fact that I'm so upset with myself certainly doesn't help either#I can't focus when I feel like this I just want to cry and scream and hurt myself#which sounds so dramatic over absolutely nothing I know it's stupid#but I just get like this sometimes#I was already feeling kinda on edge all day and it's just getting worse#everything is so loud and I'm stressed and overwhelmed#my head already really hurt but I just hit it so hard god I'm so stupid I wish I wasn't like this#as if giving myself more of a headache was gonna make anything better#god I can't do anything#and why does this man need to watch tv with the volume at max#I fucking hate it here#and now I don't want to eat the thing I was planning on making but there's nothing else and I'm hungry but also not#and I know I can't do anything else until I've eaten but I just don't wanna idk I'm too upset to eat#I wish I was normal#personal
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I just saw fairly realistic human teeth candy on my dash and freaked out for a second like, oh god not again with the mysterious human remains. This is what being into bone identification does to your brain.
#look on the boneID subreddit we get at least one human bone per month. we had a molar this month! and also a humerus.#actually we've had more of these posts than usual lately. what's up with that?#last month we had two as well and one was also a humerus. what is it with humeri lately?#on days i don't feel like dealing with this i simply do not open reddit because if i open it there is a very significant chance#that i'm gonna have to tell someone they need to call the cops about mystery human remains#and give the 'please stop touching and moving things you think might be dead people' lecture. AGAIN!#anyway if you ever find a bone you think might be human PLEASE don't touch or move it. take photos and call the authorities.#you can also come ask us bone nerds about it while you wait for the cops to hopefully do their jobs and call an expert
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I am SUFFERING AND SOON Y'ALL WILL BE TOO, I AM COOKING SOMETHING [Oc and hazbin which reminds me I'm gonna rewatch it tonight]
#radiorambles#hopefully I'll get it out by tonight because it has been a LONG day and I'm writing sneakily while just dead on the floor regaining my ener#AAAAA A A A A#side note some folks especially in stores need to mind their damn business especially old people [And some younger ones side eyeing that one#hot topic employee that was trying to get me to buy a lesbian pin [I'm not a lesbian] and told me to rebel against my mother WHO WAS FIVE#feet away from me like my guy?? Usually NO MEANS NO and then judging me because I have shit memorization#ans then the old dude today making stupid comments about what we were buying at the grocery store like my guy?? have you seen the prices#lately?? if the ramen we like is literally a DOLLAR we're getting two boxes of it even then ITS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS GO DO OLD GUY SHU#LEAVE US A L O N E#not to mention we had another guy literally follow us outside and stayed watching us until some police guys appeared then he left fun fun#should note the hot topic employee thing happened months ago Anyways I'm gonna go eat a concerning amount of cheese
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Huge vent
Yesterday was the welcome thing for the beginning of the school year, only from 15h to 16h30. Still managed to end up late. Nothing to do either, just sit there and listen to the explanation of how the year is gonna go. Still came back home EXHAUSTED
First day of school and I'm already an hour late
They also said that if we come late, the teachers aren't gonna let us in
So now I'm just frozen, sitting on my chair after finally managing to prepare, with no idea on if i waste the little energy i have going to school in the heat only to not be let in
But they also said they'd do that last year, and they never did. So maybe they're not doing it again and I'm just wasting time when they would let me in
I don't know and that's the problem
And even if i can, the mental image of everyone in class turning to stare at me and judge while i enter in the middle of the class, because i spent more than half of last year being hours late if not straight up missing "for no reason" is too much (because this country has dog shit psychology knowledge that has been studied to be around 50 years late, and they know nothing about invisible disabilities. Not like I'd ever even tell them. This class sucks in all minorities fronts)
But also I'm literally already thousands of euros in debt for this damn school and every class i miss is money wasted
I don't know what to do
#sent a message to admins to ask about the disability help i can get#think I'm gonna wait until afternoon class to go#and use that time to do all the other medical calls i need to do#hope we can talk about my help soon and i can explain the causes for why I'm late in the morning and why I'm struggling so much#and they'll actually listen#negative#HB rambles#i did brush my teeth! that's a huge win. and took a shower yesterday despite already taking one sunday#which thinking about it now might be the reason I'm already struggling so hard this morning.....#having to suddenly live with low spoons sucks. especially when you have huge memory issues#i keep acting like how i used to. just normal. and then being baffled when something as small as a shower wipes out all my energy for the#next day#i hate this. i hate this so much. i want to go back to being able to do multiple things a day and not ending up drained#i had 3 months of summer break. and only played animal crossing new leaf for like- 3 afternoons#never touched any other game. or my dsi. or my wii. or any of my books#played buckshot roulette for a few hours once#couldn't keep going. it's fun. but because it's a strategy game. it DRAINED my mental energy#i planned to fucking start sports and learn how to sew and crochet and maybe even skateboard#and instead i couldn't even draw a simple BASIC art piece without taking multiple days of only 3 hours sessions#an entire year of doctor appointments. and i still have NOTHING. no answer or help#my last hope is a mental exam in December....#if we don't find the answer then.....I'm probably gonna have to survive like this for the rest of my life#and i definitely can't get or keep a job in this state#vent#chronic fatigue#autistic burnout#probably#but it's not like i can get help for that. when the cure is YEARS of COMPLETE rest#no job or responsabilities whatsoever. yeah right. only way to get that would be to get sent to a retirement home or something#hate this
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It's been on my mind a lot lately
#I'm losing my MIND#I'm not gonna get into it because it's late and i have things i need to do tomorrow#but just know#I'm thinking about blowing his back out.#which. might not be the greatest choice of words knowing he has back problems...#okay so I'm not *literally* gonna do that#just like. in essence#i will fuck him to the point of overstimulation tho#pretty boy is gonna be ... i am stopping myself now.#:3#shit... that one mutual was kinda right#...guess i did kinda get into it too. damn#i uh.#I'm going to bed now#love ya! goodnight! 💖
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hm hm hm !!
#just me hi#it's always the little things ghfhshvh#i wanna a thing and#/hang on lemme put on some tunes lol#thank goodness for osts.. anyway hfhs#//there is consistently some tiny thing that i get caught up in that makes stops me from doing something altogether#like for example when i want to work on one of my main projects i'll get pretty well into it and then suddenly drop it like it's on fire#halfway through gfsvh#because i couldn't get the line right or i forgot which font i used or the characters positions just bother me but i'm 8 panels into this#scene dang it ! !#or i get a fresher idea for the whole thing and don't get around to it for months because i need to recharge after u-turn like that. can yo#tell i'm going in circles hfhshv#i really do have around 15-20+ versions of the first chapter of pi.e.. it may almost be described as 'not a good thing' hghhfhsvh#Is it perfectionism? maybeeeeee loll - i've got a vision (and another and another and another) and very short patience#and also my ideas do Not have a good shelf life lmao ; they're like badly sealed pickled fruits <3#that's part of the reason i make stuff so fast tho. because the Ideas Are Running Away From Me ljfvsfhj#i have hardly any stand-alone pieces that are unfinished. but the Moment i tryta work on a longform thing it just does not work..#and i Could try to do everything in very small pieces but when i try to go small on purpose i usually end up doing my usual 7-9 step 1-4#hour process anyway and i not even catch it until it's too late fgshfbvh#yea though. i'm back at it again lmfshv :3👍#this may suck So hard but i'm gonna get it one of these days ! ! roman 3 roman 3#so let me try to stay on track again lol :> i will maybe return.. mayhaps hfhsv#//i've still got some stuff from during and before artfight (unrelated to it) that i still wanna post so maybe i'll do that later too lol :#toooooodles ~+~!~+~
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i am Thinking. i'm probably going to be doing a total revamp of this account. while i'm not gonna be erasing any of falkner's prior relationships, i want to do a.... sort of soft reboot of this blog, i suppose? i don't know how else to describe it, but i definitely want to get back on here and be active again. i wouldn't be remaking this blog or anything, i'd just be redoing it's theme, redoing falkner's carrd (i lost the subscription for his bio carrd anyways so it's not even accessible anymore) and throwing myself back out into the rpc!!
#⌜-- ooc#continuing thoughts in tags so warning for that#this is probably what i'm gonna bedoing today sdjgsh#if i'm not lazy#but i've been thinking a lot and i need to get over this random anxiety that i've been having lately#thats why if youve tried reaching out to me lately i just ..... haven't responded#because ive had it in my head that nobody cares#and thats nobody's fault but my own and i apologize for it#but i want to try and get over this anxiety and i think . revamping things a little bit would help
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#im so screwed lol#my sleep is totally messed up and i know its cause im having Bad Brain that makes it difficult to do things rhat are boring/don't give#any stimulus#i should just lie down now and try to sleep but ough its already so late and i just feel like im gonna be fucked next week#when i actually do have to get up because I'm in charge of work stuff#tho tbh that might help motivate me?#idk#why is sleep the worst thing in the world i hate that i need to sleep#personal
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The great thing about being an Adult is that if you randomly get Extremely Overwhelmed by Existence, no one can stop you from going into your closet in your bedroom with your laptop, changing into a onesie, and sitting in the dark quiet enclosed space all by yourself (even though you're the only one here because your spouse isn't home from work yet).
#my favorite part being that I had a really good chill therapy session today because things have been on the whole pretty good this past week#and then I swear it was like someone just dropped a giant DOOM blanket over my head an hour later#went from having a chill convo with friends to being pretty sure they all hate me#(or at best that I was just being annoying and unhelpful and unwanted in said conversation)#nearly had a small meltdown about the fact that one of the horses got wet *before* I got outside to put him in his sheet#and then it just kept spiraling from there#one of the hay nets needs to be repaired AGAIN and I'm almost in frustrated tears just remembering that#I was supposed to refill my pill boxes after work#but then I ended up having to work late after therapy so I haven't done that#or anything else productive#I was going to try and make soup tonight but that sounds super overwhelming now#so anyway fuck this storm that rolled in about an hour and a half ago#gonna go get some rescue meds for my anxiety now that i've remembered that those exist#and some other meds for what I assume is a continuing to brew migraine#and see if I can remember how to be A Human before my spouse gets home
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don't tell anyone but I skipped work today because I knew we might've been forced to raise NATO-flags along the city wall and I'm not gonna fucking participate in that shit 🤭
#swedish politics#fuck the prime minister and his entire group of goons I hate them#they didn't ask the swedish people for our opinion before deciding to dive headfirst into NATO because 'wahhh amewicca pwotect us!!'#such democracy. much wow#wanna bet it'll be equally as hard to get out of NATO as it was to get in? too late we're in the war pact-cult now :)#as 'institutions' I hate russia and america equally#obvs I hate them for different reasons but I still hate them both#some things those countries have in common are that they have wayyyy too large landmasses which makes them think they're hot shit#AND they both love to stick their noses in other countries' business#like nobody's questioning that russia is corrupt as fuck and has been for a long time. BUT-#I also need the world (especially fellow swedes) to realize that america is also corrupt as fuck (just somewhat more covert about it)#sure if a NATO-membership will stop russia from invading then that's great#but I can't help but feel like letting US-troops onto our land is just another type of invasion#I'm gonna enjoy being hostile to them when they come <3
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