#I'm not as lonely anymore
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Hi people. It's like surprisingly difficult to find a look that works with this sparkly gold dress, but today I did it and I'm proud of myself. So I'm showing off a bit
#if anyone is wondering why I don't make as much political content as I used to#that's down to a few things#I'm not as angry anymore#I'm not as lonely anymore#kamala harris#yes this means I've found partners#they're far away#but I feel loved#Anyway enjoy#ily Sonia#ily Echo#ily Rikkirasai#can't wait#i love you
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Little sketch of vincent bc I was listening to shellshock by new order and he kicked his way back into my brain so hard I almost had an aneurysm
#vinicius my beloved <3#my favorite little depresso vampire and his unhinged feral gf iloveyouguyssomuch#I'm suddenly struck with the need to draw the two again. suppressing it bc I have other wips I wanna finish first#but I'm jdjfksljfnvnfivjenlfkvoflfkgkfmsllsmfmslslkdmd. you know#vtm#vtmb#brujah#oc.vince#sleepyscribble#also. cheri cheri lady. that's also a vincent song now#I can't listen to it anymore without thinking abt him.........#I think it's the voice of the guy in that song. or the line 'I've been lonely too long oh I can't be so strong'#makes him wobble in my brain like a sheet of metal
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Tartar, what would u do if one of your sanitized smooched you
Tartar seems to have a strong aversion towards any sort of affection...
#splatoon#splatoon 2#octo expansion#commander tartar#sanitized octoling#my art :o]#responding to stuff :o]#posting this right after the kissing booth one lmaooooo#yes that is a Tartar-kitty you are welcome#experiences 12000+ years of isolation and could REALLY use some affection & companionship...#but develops a strong aversion towards it instead oops#I'm certain that 12000+ years of isolation made Tartar [very normal] and [well adjusted] and totally [mentally stable]!#the closest thing he has to any sort of connection is with the C.Q. Cumbers and that is only a surface level type business relationship#and the professor I guess who is very much deceased oof#lonely ahhh telephone got so used to the detrimental amount of isolation it doesn't even know how to connect with anybody anymore#Tartar's mind got so messed up it seems incapable of recognizing humanity anymore and only has a deeply distorted image of it instead#:o]
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lol not me crying because someone from my program texted me to ask how i was doing and that they hadn't seen me around in a while
#i don't really have any friends here so even getting a text makes me 😭#like i have 'friends' in the sense that i like most of the people in my program and i'm reasonably certain that almost everyone likes me to#but we're not close and we don't spend time together or anything#all of the people that i was closer with aren't in the program anymore and live elsewhere and they just don't stay in touch#and like i do just get very frustrated because in all of my friendships where one of us has moved away#or even when we're just like at different jobs or stuff so we don't see each other much anymore#i've tried SO HARD to stay in touch and aside from ONE person it always fizzles out despite my best efforts#and i don't think it's anything to do with me or them per se#but just sort of this broad dynamic of how our general society conceptualizes and (de)prioritizes friendship#which isn't what *i* want for *my* friendships#and there's also this dynamic of like. almost every single person in my program has a partner. and i do not.#and like blah blah blah amatonormativity etc#i try really hard not to let my brain twist it all into anything more hurtful than what it is#i know that's life and we're in grad school and everyone's busy etc etc etc#but it does really wear me down to be so alone and lonely literally all of the time#and to end on a lighter note: thank you to all my tumblr pals for being such great pals 🥹 you are so loved and appreciated 💛
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A deep sensual hours-long dicking from a big squishy Quintessence Ghoul would fix me
#the band ghost#nameless ghouls#aether ghoul#omega ghoul#delta ghoul#<- is he squishy? idc he is now#quintessence ghouls are my kryptonite#i just want to not be stressed and also be loved#but sex like that would suffice#fuck i'm lonely#and i can't even turn to you anymore#i didn't mean to make myself cry but here were are#i'm sorry i'm like this
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Aro Jon who gets, like, occasional fixations on other peo-ple where he thinks about them all the time, figuring "well that's probably a crush," and sort of, consciously doubles down (because that's what you do with crushes right??). Like he has a lot of emotional investment in these people and he thinks about them and sometimes even tries to talk to them because that's what you do when you have a crush. Who is taken off-guard literally every time any of those people want to kiss him or hold hands or go on dates. And it's not that he doesn't know kissing or hand-holding or romance or whatever aren't part of crushes and relationships it's just he's mysteriously never been particularly interested in those parts so he doesn't think about them until suddenly his "crush" brings them up. Like they're some vague thing that future Jon will do but why is current Jon expected to think about them? Current Jon isn't in any relationship. And maybe he does end up hearing the term "aromantic" but he thinks -"well that can't be me because I have crushes. I have crushes all the time." Does this make sense? Do you see my vision?
(Also my cat walked across the keyboard as I was writing this to add two small dashes and I'm leaving them in because I think it's funny)
#obligatory no martin or j//mart please#sorry i just don't like them. i don't wanna see them in my notes#ok it's like this:#lonely (probably nd) aro who thinks they're allo/doesn't know about aro people#and who's looking for crushes because 'well surely i should start getting those about now right??'#and also it's like. supposed tobe the no. 1 relationship so they'll need to love you and hang out with you all the time#and surely they'll finally UNDERSTAND you because they LOVE you#and you'll be their biggest priority and you won't be lonely anymore#oh and you'll kiss and stuff at some vague point. probably.#that's not important tho what IS important is that they will Get you and Prioritize you for ever and ever.#no i'm not projecting. shut up.#i AM maintagging my nonsense tho. so watch out.#jon sims#jonathan sims#tma#the magnus archives#aromantic jonathan sims#aromantic jon#aromantic jon sims
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Hungry to write, not knowing what project to pick and work on.
#also straight up lonely rn#i know i'm not supposed to get tired of doing good but i am. i am tired of everything that goes wrong for my mom and the fact that she#can't even really do math or write legibly anymore and i think most of the reason i get so quick and short and to the point in those#situations is because i'm trying to pretend it's all fine when it is NOT but i don't know what to do i can't fix her i'm not a doctor#and i can't acknowledge to her face how bad it is because she is terrified of being 'sick' she hates this so much#nothing about my mom's situation makes sense i'm lost i want to go jump off a cliff and maybe find some peace on the way down#i don't even know what to pray for for her#just help#help God#raindrops#should i delete this#ugh#no one reads the tags anyway
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once and for all i wanna actually get some data on this to see if my observations are accurate or biased
there's only 10 options allowed so if you feel like the options didn't give enough nuance, please feel free to elaborate in the tags.
#trans men#trans mlm#hate that i basically have to add that last button if i don't wanna skew the results#bc it wastes a valuable space#ideally i'd have like 20 options#anyway i just really wanna know how common it even still is to pack anymore#i'm the second to last option btw lol#it feels lonely here but i guess idk if i actually should feel lonely
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My brain just hit an old hyperfixation (is this what it's called? I hope I used the word right) and oh dear am I losing my mind now. I need to write a story I think. About this one old guy. He's unhinged. There's so much information about him and yet not enough. I want to explore his character so much. He's definitely a criminal - at least he was one - and I'm 95% sure he can do actual real magic, and he's a musician and an artist and an actor and a magician and a philosopher and a traveler and a conman and so much more and also I think he's some kind of immortal. Maybe he just has a VERY long life. It's strongly implied he was a pirate at some point of his life. He started a cult by accident several times. My conspiracy theories about him include him being a secret god.
He's also a freaking round blue raven. Someone save me from my mind.
#seriously why is he so cool#he's like. a ball.#he's ROUND#if no one stops me I'm gonna make an au and introduce all my mutuals to a russian cartoon that lives in my head rent-free#it has an obviously mysterious old man and an old woman who seems to be very normal but actually has some weird past as well#and they're in love you can fight me on this THEY. ARE. IN LOVE.#there's a disastrous scientist who keeps forgetting to sleep and is kinda cute in a nerdy way#there's a mechanic guy who lives a bit away from everyone surrounded by tech and he's actually unhinged#he's a single father btw. he made a robot baby because he was lonely. it's very important for his character.#I WILL ship the scientist and the mechanic because no one can stop me <3#there's a local farmer who was a famous disco dancer an archeologist and a VERY famous actor in the past. he doesn't care about it anymore.#he was like. Captain America actor kind of famous. or Superman.#and then he just committed a bunch of crimes for his new friends and left to live in a village far away from big cities#all those people with very suspicious past raise a bunch of children together#absolutely inseparable adhd and autism best friends boys who I think are capable of destroying the world#and toxic teenagers couple:#a girl who honestly needs to figure herself out first before dating anyone and a poet boy who is SO deeply in love with her it's not okay#the farmer dude also has a rebellious teenager niece who visits him sometimes#and the mechanic's kid is usually in space but sometimes returns and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried during some of those episodes#I am going to think about them. they are so important to me.#I am going insane.#also yes they are all round animals. if you're wondering.#someone just tranquillise me already or something. it's 5 a.m. and I am losing my sanity
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went to a CPR training at the local fire station this morning and now I can't stop thinking about non-cop/civilian Carlos signing up for a First Aid/CPR certification training with the 126... and there's an odd number so he's paired up with facilitator TK for the 4-hour session and Carlos is slightly panicking about doing mouth-to-mouth with TK until TK tells him that they don't train civilians to do that anymore... but TK definitely catches Carlos after the training before he can drive off and offers to teach him mouth-to-mouth anyway, joking that Carlos can pay for dinner after 👀
#due to scheduling errors I did not actually do my training today#but the last time I was certified I learned that they don't teach mouth-to-mouth anymore - they just do compressions#not sure if that's true everywhere but I'm going off of that#anyway... I love having random tarlos thoughts on a tuesday#tarlos#911 lone star
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full moon full life
I'm getting the feeling that p3 reload may be viewing the nighttime in a more brighter..colorful light compared to its original counterpart from the new osts. I think I appreciate that sort of new approach they're having
+added one more drawing!
#persona#persona 3#persona 3 reload#whereas burn my dread had that determined-solemn-striving for life kind of mood#full moon full night feels less lonely and more colorful-it has this'I'm not alone!' vibe and the song feels more warm#I really love how burn my dread is so full of resolve and has this 'I'm not messing around anymore' attitude#but I'm starting to really appreciate how welcoming full moon full life sounds..full of life like how the title is#doodle#I think that's what the remake is trying to go for too#maybe the new op is indicating the protagonist doesn't have to struggle and carry everything all on his own anymore#that's just my interpretation at least#p3 reload
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being back in my university city for the weekend has cured my nostalgia omg ... the idea of living here again makes me feel nauseous and claustrophobic and lonely. yeah work is hard and living with my parents again is rough, but at least I'm not completely alone with no money and hard deadlines to meet. and i'm back at home in the countryside on the moors. i could never live here again. i am not the same person i was when i graduated this time last year.
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it’s thoroughly breaking my heart to see so many people leave. not just moots, but several people have deactivated/gone on hiatus this week alone... not (just) talking for myself here, but readers, please do something to make ccs feel welcome. this won’t do anymore
#my god i'm genuinely so sad#the community is becoming a wasteland...#it makes it hard to enjoy being here which is why i'm not as active anymore either#not bc of interaction but it's so so lonely here with so many people giving up and leaving#it's been so quiet that on some days i wanna give up too#tdl
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the magnus archives is officially too much of an influence on my life
i've been learning french for almost a month now and it means i'm saying "my name is" a lot more and every time i say it or read it my mind just goes to "je mappelle martin blackwood et je suis non solitaire plus"
or like when i'm practicing spanish!!!!! what the fuck!!!!! "me llamo martin blackwood y yo no soy solitario nunca màs"
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
LEAVE ME ALONE [flashbang] AAAAGHHHH (/ref)
#its “my name is martin blackwood and i'm not lonely anymore” if u cant tell#☹️#like this is just#embarassing#i am not happy about my ability to quote the magnus archives in three languages#also PLEASE pardon the shitty grammar i dont know spanish or french fluently :( i am just a learner :(#the magnus archives#do not archive#dont let jonny see this one PLEASE#the magnus archive#tma#magnus archives#the magnus pod#martin blackwood#my name is 😔😔
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friday night 8pm coffee and breakfast for dinner and scented candle and book and sleeping puppies and fairy lights and comfy pjs and quiet and peace
#mary rambles#books#booklr#bookblr#i'm so thankful for getting to a place where my alone nights don't feel lonely anymore
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