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lemonflowercat · 9 months ago

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acceptance and commitment

//feeling so self-sabotage-y//

the past 4 days have been supremely unproductive. we had to deal with a stressful housing situation and my back pain had me wincing while doing anything but lying supine in bed. thankfully, both of these things got sorted out on Wednesday (i am so so grateful it's all settled down, especially our housing sitch). yesterday was supposed to be the day i get back on track but i made the horrible decision to weigh myself in the morning - and that triggered a landslide of self-hate and misery that had me non-functional for the rest of the day.

currently, it's Friday morning - a week has gone by and i've done nothing. i feel disgusted with myself, my body, my inability to compartmentalize and prioritize - the self-judgement is so strong, it's making me want to numb myself with instant gratification. i am not looking forward to my day, i don't want to do anything.

so here's some acceptance:

stress puts me in freeze mode.

guilting myself over things i haven't done, apprehension over my prolonging to-do list make me want to avoid these things even more.

i find it difficult to stay motivated and consistent after working hard for about a week. it gets exhausting to exercise, control my diet, and do chores - all squeezed into my study breaks. i get about an hour in a day to relax and do other things that i enjoy, and i think that might be the reason why i feel so crazy by the end of a productive week.

once a stressor is resolved, i need some mental health time to process things, clear my mind, and get back in the zone. writing, yoga and meditating are my favourite ways to process things.

academic success is the only time my parents expressed their appreciation for me through a childhood where i was unseen and felt unloved/unwanted for the most part.

my hyper-intense focus on how fat i am makes it hard for me to feel confident in my skin.

i eat more when i'm stressed. i eat more when i'm sad. i eat more when i'm happy and want to celebrate. i think about food often - i enjoy meal planning, i enjoy cooking. i love experimenting with new cuisines, trying out new restaurants, and eating at the really good ones. i'm a picky eater in the sense that i want to eat food that's skillfully cooked and tastes really good.

i'm often bored of the food i cook at home, or too tired to put a good tasting meal together for us. and since A can't cook, we end up eating out. my mother in grained in me this dysfunctional system of food scarcity: she labelled foods and heavily restricted the bad ones. these restrictions only applied to us, while she herself would freely eat said "bad" foods from the hidden secret stash. she conditioned us into believing that eating out = stuffing yourself to the fullest (my brother would often throw up by the time we got to dessert at a buffet, and then continue to eat - and this was something my mother would laugh at) and this is a pattern i'm struggling so hard to break out of now - treating a restaurant meal like any other meal: one that is balanced and just enough to keep me energized and make me feel good after.

Bengali culture is very food centric - i think this is where my snobby palate and passion for food were nurtured, while also being the setting where my dysfunctional eating took root.

i've been a fat girl since i was a baby. all my life, there isn't a single moment when i wasn't fat - i often wonder if being big is natural to me. i am also a big boned 5' 7" girl (tall, by Indian standards).

my mother fat shamed me throughout - and continues to do so. she has also often stated that i'm unattractive - beliefs that have permeated in me. i have also been made to feel unattractive and unwanted by people because of my fat. i have sometimes been the butt of fat girl jokes among my friends.

my childhood was a very dysfunctional one - something that therapy has been helping me come to terms with. in fact, until my therapist confirmed it, i wasn't even sure if it really was dysfunctional or if i was just being a drama queen. amidst the lack of security in my childhood, food became one of my biggest sources of comfort. i have memories from a very young age of stealing food from my mother's "secret stash", especially when i was home alone. as i hit my teenage years, i began obsessively bingeing and purging at the first chance i could get. the guilt i feel over this i overwhelming. food has a huge impact on me emotionally.

i have cycled in and out of restrictive diets in order to lose weight. the longest i've been able to stick to one is for about 15 months.

especially because i study medicine, the health repercussions of being overweight are a huge source of anxiety for me.

i actually truly love working out, curating healthy meals for myself and studying - my ability to do all of this heavily depends on my emotional state and energy levels. especially so because i have major all-or-nothing mentality - i want it all to go perfectly, down to the right time like a (not Indian) train schedule - and a small thing amiss makes me feel like a failure. then i hole up in freeze for the rest of the day.

i accept that i am all of this - and it isn't good or bad. it just is. i spend so much time trying to align with who i want to be, i forget to align with who i already am. i accept that, among all these beliefs, there are many that serve me and many that are ok to let go off. i accept that navigating through this will take time, there is so much to unlearn and learn. i accept that, at the end of this road or any road - there is no assured happiness to find. assured happiness and satisfaction with the self does not exist. no matter what i become, there will never be a future where i'm not striving to change something around me/in myself for the "better". and that's why - all these "goals" that i set for myself needn't feel so heavy and do-or-die. i accept that the burden of the future is one that i can take off my shoulders and set down. that doesn't mean giving up on my future all together - it means sailing, with no pressure, in the general direction of things that add meaning to my life.

with this acceptance, i commit to things that make me happy now:

studying, as much as i can, every day. i love the mental workout of studying and also can we take a moment to really appreciate what a magical science medicine is (': - studying also makes me happy now because it brings me closer to starting my MD, and i am so excited to be back in the hospital, furthering my journey as a doctor + researcher. i know that focusing is hard after 2h - i can work with this and schedule my study hours such that i get a good break after this.

morning yoga and

meditating both of these soothe my soul. they make me slow down and be present in each tiny passing second. they make me more observant and appreciative of the self and the world, more intentional with my choices and actions. they make my life richer, softer, more open and accepting, and deeply calm.

eat what is best for my body i am attempting to do something that feels very scary to me: stop calorie counting *alarm bells go off in my head* hehe :'| i don't think emphasizing on the numbers is serving me. i want my relationship with food to be centered around the nutrients in it, what it does for my body, how it makes me feel, being a conscious consumer, and exploring different cultures through cuisine. this is going to be a learning curve - one where i am aware that i may gain weight - and as scary as that is, it's ok. i'll learn a lot, i'll figure out a system for myself through this, and i'll make sure my body is getting what makes her energetic, healthy and happy - because that really is all that food should be giving me.

workout for the joy it gives me to see my body getting stronger, faster and more flexible. for knowing that i'm taking care of my heart, my joints and muscles. for the ditzy of endorphins. and for the joy in the sheer act of movement.

i commit to my 75 soft, this time with 3 changes:

i don't have to start over if i break a streak. i just celebrate my longest streak.

i don't have to hit every goal every day. they're just a framework of things i'd like to get done each day

and the biggest, scariest of them all: [] 1400 kcal eat nutrient-focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

#self parenting #emotional regulation #bingeandpurge #just binged #freeze mode #mental health

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madraleen · 11 months ago

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Bungo Stray Dogs - Season 2 A highly unconvincing "I like the anime a ~normal~ amount" commentary.

-i'm about to start s2 and i'm giggling like a schoolgirl about to meet her crush. i'm all "I MISSED YOU, DAZAI!" i finished s1 yesterday. THERE WAS NO TIME TO MISS NO DAZAI! and yet.

-i already thought we were on the saddest ep so far, with dazai saying he loses everything he wants, but then the kids got blown off and... yeah. we're in the dark timeline. i came out here to have fun and...

-ranpo?? bumping into oda?? i was not expecting that.

-aha aha ha, bungo stray dogs, so whimsical, then why am i crying...

-and then dazai fulfilled his "i want to help people" goal and found friends :'). so lil bb has been with the agency two-ish years. okay. okay. i love dazai. okay.

-i'm glad the ending titles are keeping the theme of dazai tenderly touching his people

-i can't believe i'm saying this, but i feel bad for akutagawa. he needs help. like in life.

-this is the most intensely i've binge-watched something in a long time. and i don't binge-watch, i need breathers. but no. it's dazai et al or nothing.

-lol the agency in the opening: more or less normal. kenji-kun: holding a street sign. as you do.

-MY MAN DAZAI JUST BITCH-SLAPPED ATSUSHI

-"stop pitying yourself. pity yourself, and life becomes an endless nightmare." hi i love dazai

-i love that atsushi's emotional growth isn't a straight line. he thought himself worthless and useless. then he found strength. then he backpedaled when he got rattled. then dazai slapped him and he sort of regained his composure. and so on. it's very realistic, feels intentional, and not inconsistent at all, because there's always something triggering the back and forth

-HEEEEELP IT'S ANGO!

-MOBY DICK AHAHAHA nice

-oh gosh the plan to destroy the city is terrible and also so smart

-YES! YES! AN AGENCY-PORT MAFIA ALLIANCE YES! YES PLEASE LISTEN TO ATSUSHI'S BRILLIANT IDEA YES

-for the record, since i talked about weak plot in s1, i am enjoying the s2 plot, i'm yelling at the screen and everything

-DAZAI AND CHUUYA ALLIANCE AAAHHH

-DAMN YOU, THE WAY CHUUYA YELLS DAZAI'S NAME WHEN HE'S HIT BY THE TENTACLES! SCREW YOU! i am soft

-AND THEN HE RUNS TO HIM?? TO CHECK IF HE'S ALRIGHT?? AND TELLS HIM HE'S HURT PRETTy BAD?!?! this is too much for me

-wdym the tentacles aren't an ability. also i love dazai

-"let's just give up and die" errr... my fictional husbands, all two of them, seem to have a pattern… (see: “give up on your dream and die,” aot, vol x, page y, panel z)

-DAZAI CALLED CHUUYA PARTNER I CANNOT I LOVE THEM TOGETHER

-i kinda love how ranpo's biggest obstacle is himself and his inability to accept that he isn't an ability user. if he could do that, they'd be out of the book in a second

-oh. oh atsushi and akutagawa in the same solo infiltration. that's gonna go well.

-i'm so genuinely excited to resume rewatching every time

-akutagawa, my man, do you really think THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME TO KILL ATSUSHI? yeah, "yare yare" indeed, dazai, control your children!

-i know he's our villain, but damn, dazai, show an ounce of attention to akutagawa, i feel sorry for him

-akutagawa and atsushi accidentally finding release and relief through each other shut up i love them :"). be careful, little ones

-the city is about to be destroyed and dazai is playing therapist to kyouka, i love this show

-the little baby strays working together :') (*atsushi and akutagawa)

-akutagawa keeps saving atsushi, lmao

-KYOUKA-CHANNN :")))

-YOU JUST DEFEATED THE HEAD OF THE GUILD, AKUTAGAWA, DO YOU GET THAT

-yesss, dazai praised akutagawa :")))

-he wanted to be sure for the real disaster, he says. s2: an elaborate real-life training arc from dazai to his baby strays. But, my man dazai, what was the fail-safe?! what if the baby strays failed?! i understand it’s all about belief and trust, but, MY MAN, the entire city was at stake!

-ABILITY: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT AKSFJNJKSSG I AM EXCITED (also the fact that dostoyevsky's va is ayato and luocha's va, does not compute)

-I LOVE SEASON 2 SO MUCH :"))) It’s just proof of how a story can be serious and violent and dark and still have a fundamentally feel-good vibe. misleadingly feel-good that is, ‘cause once you take a moment to take in what’s happening, it’s more like, “DERANGED! EVERYONE IS DERANGED!” but in a feel-good way.

-i really like that people stay in the story. that they're not one-off antagonists/allies.

-I wish wish wish i were familiar with more of the actual authors. i don’t think it takes away from the enjoyment if you don’t know them, but when you do know them, the references are like easter eggs and it’s delightful.

#bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs anime #bungou stray dogs #anime commentary

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jessicatravelsamerica · 2 years ago

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Tarot Card General Meanings

XV The Devil

Please try to keep in mind that the devil not necessarily a "bad" card. None of this is good or bad, it just is. The devil will come across as malefic and maybe he is but he is functional in the story of our destiny. He makes the story interesting for sure.

The devil represents addiction, suffering, lust, wanting, greed, neglect, abuse, deception, extortion, toxic narcissism, anger, the things that bind us with chains and cause us pain. Toxic relationships in general, especially abusive romantic relationships. Relationships affected by drug addiction. Aspects of life affected by these problems that are very human and very commonly dealt with in the story.

The Devil rules the Earth. That is the conclusion that Martin Luther came to and i don't disagree. The Earth rewards corruption and the spiritual realm rewards virtue. That's why successful people in the Earthly sense are not necessarily virtuous and can cause a lot of problems for others.

We can offset suffering for ourselves and others by being mindful. Self care and consideration for others goes a long way here. If we remember to care about each other and care about ourselves we can get a grip on these concepts. Love all, trust few, hate none. Help others but make sure you are taken care of. Connect with other humans and show each other kindness. Virtue always wins in the end because the spiritual realm is very powerful. It is a struggle and it can be hard to shake the devil off.

At the end of the day, I think we have a better understanding of right and wrong than we let on... sometimes it's just necessary to ignore that conscience because the earthly realm requires certain things for survival and our feelings can be very troublesome also.

Usually we hurt each other either because we are trying to survive or if we are vengeful because we feel we have been hurt. Some people do seem to want to cause harm without reason, but these are the exception rather than the rule, I believe. I also believe the more kindness and consideration we show each other, the more we will see in others in the world. We all matter. Each and every one of us can make the world a better place. Start with yourself. If you make your day better, that is still making the world a better place for you at least because you are experiencing joy and you deserve to experience joy. If your cup is full, you can pour out to others. If your needs are met, you are more able to meet the needs of others. Don't think of poverty as a lack of resources and stuff for you as much as an inability to help others. If you can't cover your own expenses you can't help others. We need to pray for financial stability and work towards the goal so that we are not a burden on our friends and family and so that we can help others when they struggle from time to time as we have been helped. Everyone has been cared for at some point. No baby survived without being fed by an adult. Not to get too far off on a tangent, I just think these are things to think about when it comes to the Devil. Suffering is inevitable. If I'm not suffering I want to help someone who is because when I am suffering I will need help. If I help you I help myself. We are all sharing an ecosystem. The fact that we are not alone makes life more fun and those that we care about give us purpose.

Again, the Devil, not necessarily a bad thing. He is always there. I like to look at things from a more neutral perspective. Fear and hatred is not going to get us anywhere. What might actually help us along is understanding. Someone did once say to me "the most valuable thing in life is an understanding". now i don't necessarily know about all that, I'm sure I would rather be blissfully clueless about certain things just fine but i absolutely cannot survive on Earth without oxygen so idk... I get what he meant, though. So many things are swept under the rug because we have this shallow understanding of it and we think we know when in reality if we would keep an open mind we have a better shot at mastering ourselves and our manifestation of our reality as a result of operating in a way that is mindful of the shared experience as well as the more individual experiences that we are all going through to make up our personal story.

I have a little extra time and a little more philosophical mindset, so writing a tumblr blog gives me a chance to share some knowledge, share some insight, share some of my life for those that are curious. This is something that is beneficial for my overall satisfaction in life right now but also it could offer some entertainment for someone who is bored and looking to read someone else's thoughts. I might share a fact or a viewpoint that someone gets something out of. This is functional, positive, mentally healthy for me and someone else might get something from it. What does that have to do with the devil? I feel it's through simple things like this that the devil will ultimately lose. I believe in humanity. I believe that it is sick and twisted but there are also those of us that are more self aware and more aware of the situations of others that offset the work of the devil. When we care about each other we have an effect that counteracts the works of the devil and we suffer less.

Be Kind.

The devil is everywhere.

Balance must be kept.

It can't be all Tanqueray and unicorns.

I also want to mention that I have not entered into a pact with the devil. I would never do business with the devil. I prefer to work from the standpoint of being on the same team as the spiritual realm, which is at war with the devil basically. Everyone wants our souls. Those that love you or maybe just dead people that like you will reach your soul from the spiritual realm while the devil works from a place of darkness where corruption is rewarded.

Am I good witch or a bad witch? I'm a good witch. I want to lessen the suffering of others if I can while still making sure my cups stay full. I do my shadow work but only for self mastery. I do my best to put light energy out there, to show people love and kindness. I'm not perfect but I try to keep my practice in check and manifest my reality with a very intentional approach.

#tarot cards #tarotcommunity #tarot community #divination

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rebeccccccaaa · 4 years ago

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ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ʀɪɢʜᴛ _____________________

ʙʀᴏᴛʜᴇʀ’s!ʙᴇsᴛ!ғʀɪᴇɴᴅ!ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs ᴀᴜ

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: You and Buck have always been close growing up but you two soon learn that the line that separates friendly and flirting is a lot thinner than you think.

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: fluff, slight angst bc u got a shit bf, big bro vibes from bucky, smut duh [18+ minors dni (slight praise but also slight degradation, marking, belly bulge, squirting, fem!rec oral, unprotected sex, plz be safe irl, slight choking, pet names: darling&princess, i think that’s it lmk plz)]

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s ɴᴏᴛᴇs: hey assholes i'm back for the time being lol. I have a few ideas and fics I'm currently writing right now so do not fret.

______________________________________

You knew this was a horrible idea.

It’s Saturday night and you and your boyfriend were back in another night club after being kicked out from one just hours before. Daniel had gotten too drunk, as he always does, causing you to kindly ask the bartender to cut him off. Daniel didn’t take that too lightly resulting in a gnarly swing at the poor guy just doing his job.

Security threw you out and Daniel called an Uber to go where you thought was going to be your apartment but twenty minutes later you pulled up to another club practically on the other side of town. You yelled at Daniel but he pushed aside stumbling inside for yet even more drinks and mistakes waiting for him inside.

You sat at the bar simply drinking some water and snacking on some peanuts keeping your eye on your garbage boyfriend. You're constantly checking the time on your phone, annoyed with every passing minute. It was 2 am and you just wanted to go home and sleep. You were even debating texting your brother Steve hoping you could just crash at his place not too far from where you were but it would be incredibly irresponsible to just leave Daniel in the state he’s in.

So you waited and waited and waited. Your eyelids felt heavy and your energy was just completely drained. You were basically a zombie. It wasn’t until a guy approached your half asleep body that you felt a sense of alert. Daniel was shit-faced so you were practically defenseless.

“Hey,” the guy shouted over the music.

“Sorry, I’m not interested. My boyfriend’s-” you quickly said, only to be cut off.

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna hit on you. I’ve got a boyfriend of my own,” he chuckled, making you breathe out in relief.

“Sorry,” you cringed at yourself.

“It’s alright; but uh, I hate to be the one to tell you this. You might want to check with your boyfriend,” he said sympathetically.

You pushed your way through the crowd scanning every face in search of Daniel. What did he do? Is he hurt? Did he get in trouble again? Is he getting arrested? Where is he-

“Daniel?” you said eyes tearing up a bit.

His arms were wrapped around another girl’s waist as he kissed her the way he kissed you. She practically moaned as their tongues slobbered disgustingly with each other. Their hips grinding against each other proactively as if you weren’t even there. Sadness turned to anger, and anger turned to rage, gripping Daniel’s short hairs and pulling his head away from whoever this girl was.

“What the fuck?” the girl complained, her eyes completely bloodshot.

“Did he tell you that he was here with his girlfriend tonight?” you're sad with gritted teeth. Daniel stumbled around still unable to register what the hell was happening.

“Oh my god, you forreal?” she said.

“Who fucking cares? She’s a prude anyway. I got more action with you than I did her in the past, what, six months?” Daniel slurred.

“You know what, you’re a fucking prick, dude. She deserves so much better than you; I bet your dick is small anyway,” the girl said.

“Fuck you too bitch,” Daniel spit.

“I can’t believe you,” you said.

“Oh, whoop-dee-doo, big fucking surprise. Babe, you’re a prude. Can’t you see it? I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you anymore,” he practically puked out the words without any second thought.

“Fine, then I hope you enjoy the rest of your night, you fucking asshole,” you stormed away holding in the tears; he wasn’t worth it.

Almost three am and you just dumped your cheating lowlife boyfriend on the other side of town. Steve wasn’t answering his phone and you even wanna be near the club anymore. Walking speedily staring at your screen desperate to call an Uber home, you bumped harshly into a hard chest falling to the ground on your bum.

“Fucking hell, I’m so sorry, darling,” the man said helping you up by your elbows.

“It’s ok. I wasn’t looking- Bucky?”

“Oh, hey kid. What are you doing? It’s like three in the morning and you don’t live anywhere near here,” Bucky said, crossing his arms.

“Daniel got himself kicked from the one by our apartment and Ubered here instead.”

“So where’s Daniel?” Bucky scowled; he’s always hated that guy, so did Steve.

“Probably fucking some other chick in the bathroom,” your voice cracked.

“What?”

“It’s nothing; I just want to go home,” you cried.

“Hey, it’s ok; it’s ok. Do you wanna crash at me and Steve’s? He’s gone for the weekend with Peggy; you can stay in his room at least for the night,” Bucky offered; so that’s why Steve’s not answering his phone.

“I don’t wanna intrude on your night. I can just call an Uber, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. Steve’ll kill me if he found out I left his baby sis alone in the streets of New York at three in the morning. It’s not a problem, we were just bar hopping and I stopped drinking ages ago.”

“Are you sure, Buck?”

“Of course,” he smiled warmly at you.

“Hey, Nat!”

“What’s up?” a beautiful redhead approached you both.

“Gonna head home ; don’t do anything stupid,” he chuckled.

“You too,” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, “Catch you Monday?”

“You’re stupid. I’ll see ya,” Bucky laughed before grabbing your hand and headed towards his apartment.

“Thanks again, Buck. For letting me stay here tonight,” you said once you entered his apartment.

It had been a while since you hung out at your brother’s apartment but nothing’s changed. Typical men and their inability to change even a throw pillow. You set your small bag on the couch before Bucky led you to Steve’s room. There were pictures of you and him posing at Steve’s graduation; and later your own. Pictures of Steve and Bucky at a theme park, during a bar-be-que for Steve’s birthday. So many memories that Steve held onto in his room.

“Time really flies doesn’t it?” Bucky said, slightly startling you.

“Sorry,” he chuckled.

“No, you’re fine. But you’re right. Feels all these pictures were taken yesterday,” you reminisced.

“I got you some clothes if you need to change; I’ll give you privacy,” Bucky said, slipping from the room briskly.

You sat on the bed frustrated with everything. Your body was so drained from being up so early in the night, to the fight with Daniel. The past couple months with him were so awful. He was just so mean to you all the time and you didn’t know what you did wrong. Where did it go wrong? When did things shift?

"Is everything ok, darling?" Bucky asked quietly, knocking on the door when you hadn't come out after a while.

"What did I do wrong? I thought he loved me," you choked out.

Bucky sighed as he walked over to the bed sitting beside you before engulfing you in a warm hug. You cried into his shoulder and Bucky couldn't help the anger that bubbled inside him for your excuse of a boyfriend Daniel. He never got along with the guy and now he finally has a reason to knock his teeth in.

"You didn't do anything, I know it. That prick wouldn't know love if it hit him in the face. It's his loss. You deserve so much better than that asshole. Look at me, you're so beautiful and funny and fucking adorable; any guy who can't see how perfect you are, is a dense piece of shit."

"James," you whispered.

His words made your heart skip and your stomach flutter. But Bucky’s always had that effect on you. Even growing up. You weren’t going to sit there and pretend that hearing his words hadn't had a deeper effect than they would’ve coming from Daniel. Sometimes you wondered what being with Bucky would be like. You’re not the first to admit how handsome Bucky was and growing up you did have quite the crush on your brother’s best friend.

You don't know what it was, whether it was the alcohol still swimming through your veins, or just feeling so vulnerable being in Bucky's arms but you wanted him badly. You needed him, needed to feel something again. And you knew he could give it to you. You pressed your lips to his and in an instant his hands dropped to your hips pulling you impossibly close against his body. Your hands went to the back of his head as you kissed him messily. Your noses bumped and teeth clashed but it was the best kiss you’ve ever had.

“Fuck, your brother’s gonna kill me,” Bucky mumbled, almost to himself, as he slowly laid you down on your back.

Bucky’s hands trailed up your thighs, squeezing the soft flesh every now and then as he continued kissing you passionately. Your own hands couldn’t help but tug at his shirt desperately. When he did so, your breath was completely taken away. It had been years since you’d seen Bucky without a shirt.

Not only had he been quite skinny just like your brother back then, but not long after leaving for college with Steve he was in a bike accident that left him with ghastly scars and burns along his left arm and shoulder. Since then, it’s fair to say Bucky never really ever took his shirt off. It had taken years just for him to remove the glove he’d always wear to cover the scars on his hand.

“You’ve gotten so strong, James,” you grinned, reaching out to brush the flexed muscles running down his front.

He simply stared at you with an anticipating and anxious expression on his face, waiting for you to state the obvious. When you didn’t, when you pulled his head down to kiss him once again, he almost cried. Bucky hadn’t been with a woman in so long, afraid of this very moment. He knew at that moment, there was no one quite like you.

Bucky fell in love.

“Let me take care of you, darling. You’ve been so good to me,” Bucky whispered huskily in your ear as he trailed his hand under your own shirt brushing his fingertips along the underside of your breast.

His lips pressed softly against your hot skin along your neck before standing up between your legs at the end of the bed. He pulled your shirt off then played cheekily with the straps of your bra that you still had on. You smiled back at him with the same playful stare, reaching behind you to unclasp the material.

You could see the way Bucky’s eyes darken and his pupils widened as he stared in awe at your naked chest. Your skin bursted into chills under his hungry gaze even though you felt like you were burning up. Bucky leaned forward kissing down the valley of your breasts, nipping once in a while playfully before laying you back down. He shimmied you out of your bottoms easily, kneeling on the ground leaving you completely bare before him.

“You are absolutely stunning, princess,” Bucky whispered, running his hands up your thighs slowly.

“Bucky, please. I need you,” you whimpered.

“Don’t worry, darling. I promise I’m gonna take good care of you,” he smirked devilishly.

He pushed your knees open, eyeing the arousal that glistened between your thighs. He brought his fingers up to you slowly rubbing your slick around before finally pushing a thick and long finger past your folds. Your body shuddered solely at the foreign but pleasurable feeling, already moaning softly.

Bucky’s cock strained through pants upon hearing your beautiful moans; they were like music to his ears. He couldn’t help the way his hips would buck into the mattress in a desperate attempt to relieve some pain from his erection. Soon after he pulled his fingers from you slowly only to thrust them further in you, curling his fingers just right.

He brought his mouth down to you, wrapping his lips around your clit sucking harshly. You gasped and your back arched, overwhelmed with pleasure Bucky was giving you with just his mouth and fingers. All the times that you’d given yourself to your ex, he had never made you feel this good before, feel this full; let alone with his fingers. Bucky was taking his time with you solely for your own pleasure and it made your heart swoon.

Your legs trapped Bucky’s head between your thighs, squeezing as he continued to eat you out like a starved man. Your hands went to his hair pulling on his dark locks causing Bucky to moan deeply against you. You were so close to a release; your legs shaking violently and your stomach tightening.

“Come on, princess. Want you to come all over my face. Can you do that for me, darling?”

“Fuck!”

“Be a good girl and make a mess,” Bucky teased.

His fingers moved faster as he swirled his tongue around and over your clit just as quickly. You were becoming overwhelmed and that coil bursted in the pit of your stomach. You pushed Bucky’s face from you, shrieking with pure pleasure; Bucky’s kept the rapid pace with fingers as you fell over the edge.

“Fucking hell, that was so hot, princess,” Bucky said standing up; his fingers, arm, his chest was covered in your arousal.

“Did I do that?” your voice trembled.

“Because of me,” Bucky winked playfully.

“I didn’t know I could do that,” you let your head fall back on the bed as you briefly caught your breath.

Bucky grabbed his shirt that he discarded not long ago and quickly wiped his chest and arm before discarding his pants and boxers. He nearly moaned at the feeling when he finally freed his dick from the restraining garments. His hand instantly wrapped around the base before pumping himself a few times.

You brought yourself onto your elbows momentarily ogling at the sight of Bucky completely bare before you. Your mouth practically watered at the sight. Bucky crawled over you kissing you deeply and messily; but perfectly. He pulled away and you both had goofy smiles on your faces before bursting into a fit of giggles, Bucky’s head burying into the crook of your neck.

“You’re so goddamn adorable, princess,” Bucky’s voice was muffled.

“Bucky,” you whined.

You couldn’t resist squirming underneath the burly man. Although, you’ve just had what was probably the best orgasm you’ve ever had, you wanted more. You needed more; you needed Bucky.

“I got you, darling. I got you.”

Bucky wanted to tease you more, make you beg, but he was just as desperate to feel you as you were. He propped himself up on his elbows kissing you one last time before reaching between your bodies and lining his dick with your entrance. Both you and Bucky moaned simultaneously as he stretched you out; curses spilling from his lips as incoherent moans fell from yours.

“So fucking tight, princess. Squeezing my cock just right, aren’t ya?” he whispered.

“Fuck, I feel so full,” you whimpered.

Bucky began to slowly move his hips in and out of you deliciously. He quickly picked up the pace, jetting his hips rapidly making your moans louder. Bucky sat up on his knees and gripped your waist surely to leave bruises in your wake. This new angle surprised you and you couldn’t help the squeals and moans that left your mouth. You chanted Bucky's name like a prayer; as if it was the only word you knew.

Bucky watched you carefully, your face contorting with pure euphoric pleasure. He couldn’t help notice the small bump in your lower belly and without a second thought, he grabbed your hands pressing them firmly over your tummy.

“You feel how deep I am, darling? Fucking poking through,” Bucky grunted.

“Shit! Oh, it feels so good,” you moaned.

“That’s right, no one’s ever gonna fuck you this good again. This pussy’s mine now,” Bucky growled.

He took one of his hands and wrapped it around your throat squeezing the sides gently but firm at the same time. Your eyes rolled back and you moaned even louder, confident that the neighbors were sure to complain in the morning. Feeling Bucky’s hand around your neck was so exhilarating; you and Daniel had never ever experimented with anything beyond a pair of handcuffs, and that particular night went horribly.

You like being choked by Bucky.

“Fucking slut; you like this, don’t ya?” he came down to whisper huskily against your lips.

“Mh-hm,” you moaned with a devilish grin, your bottom lip resting between your teeth before your eyes rolled back again.

“Such a fucking beauty you are.”

Bucky hips snapped in and out and he knew it wouldn’t be long until he needed to release.

“God, I’m close, princess,” he growled.

His hand moved to rest on the back of your neck to pull you up so you straddled his thighs and your chest was flushed against his. Your sensitive and hardened nipples brushed against his slightly sweaty skin causing you to shudder in pleasure. Bucky’s lips attached themselves to your skin along your collar bones sucking harshly leaving purple marks all along.

Your legs shook once again as they did before and soon enough with an arched back and shout of Bucky’s name you came all over his cock. Overwhelmed with your sex, Bucky bit harshly on your shoulder in a poor attempt to muffled the loud groans and moans he elicited. Feeling your velvety walls squeeze tightly around him pushed him over the edge, coating your walls with hot ribbons on cum.

He fell forward almost crushing you but you were too tired to complain. Bucky continued to pepper soft kisses all over your skin whispering how good you were to him, how beautiful you looked. Just absolutely showering with compliments. You felt him slowly getting off you, probably afraid he was crushing you, but you didn’t want him to leave just yet.

“Don’t,” you whispered, wrapping your arms tightly around his body.

“I don’t want to crush you, darling.”

“You’re not.”

Bucky chuckled before settling completely above you, careful not to make you uncomfortable. Hardly any time went by when he felt the even and soft puffs of air hitting his skin, sure that you had fallen asleep. He picked himself up and with major guilt for his best friend, picked you up from the bed and walked you to his own room.

After he was sure you stayed sound asleep, Bucky grabbed a clean pair of boxers and hurried himself to Steve’s room again. He collected all the discarded clothes and the dirty sheets and tossed them in the washing machine to clean right away.

He hadn’t meant to fuck his best friend’s little sister, let alone in his own room, on his own bed, but it all happened so fast.

He went back to his room letting the clothes do it’s thing, and quickly grabbed his phone. He messaged Steve, telling him that when he got back for his weekend with Peggy, he really needed to talk to him.

Tonight made Bucky realize how much he loved you. Growing up, you two had always been close. But he doesn’t know when he stopped being friendly and instead began flirting. Bucky wanted to be with you; he knew it now more than ever.

Bucky watched your gorgeous sleeping form on his bed. He smiled to himself before opening the window; the sun already rising and those beautiful golden rays seeped through the glass window, making you look angelic. He crawled into bed cuddling flushed against your naked body. He chuckled softly when you realized he’d returned, wiggling even further into his arms.

“I love you, Bucky,” you mumbled.

“I love you, too, darling.”

And he really, and truly did love you. As did you love him.

=======================

ᴛᴀɢʟɪsᴛ: (For all my work)

@mathletemadison

@buckybarnes101-blog

@l-sofiamia-l

@pluto-grrl-blog

@partr1dge

@stefans-wife

@cordeliaswhore

@fleurlovesbucky

@povsmarvel0720

@missroro

Bucky Barnes Taglist:

@stolenxkissess

@bucknastayyy38

#marvel smut #bucky barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader #james buchanan barnes smut #marvel fics #bucky x y/n

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maryellencarter · 3 years ago

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Soooo I was just now trying to crosspost our new fic to Pillowfort, on the principle of "be the content you wish to see in the world", and it turns out that Pillowfort (1) has literally no HTML functionality at all, so you can't use the AO3 embed code, (2) this is because Pillowfort apparently stripped the ability to use HTML after a kerfuffle in 2018 where it turned out they had completely omitted to sanitize any user inputs across the site, such that someone was able to make their username "signout" and clicking it would sign other people out, (3) when I use the "link embed" function to try to display my fic link and header, it doesn't even show the header, but the first several lines of the actual fic, treating it like an "article" on a magazine webpage or some shit.

Also, their business model is just asking for donations every month rather than selling paid accounts or anything like that, as far as I can tell. Their donation page says they're looking to move towards a more sustainable model, but it's been four years since I joined. Between that and the inability or unwillingness to securely re-implement HTML in the past three years and change, I'm... judging them.

(They're usable on mobile now, anyway, so there has been an improvement. And they did successfully move away from the .io domain where it was illegal to host pr0n, so there's that. Baby steps? :P Hard to know how judgey you should be compared to this sinking trash fire of a place, but I don't want to put in all that effort and lose a bunch of friends just to switch to another sinking trash fire.)

Honestly, I'm still leaning towards Dreamwidth, but without the ability to reblog or host art, it's not much use to me currently. :P

#tumblrpocalypse #tagpocalypse

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dailysuna · 4 years ago

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Baki headcannons time! I'm writing a fic (it's gotten too long btw) and Baki is a key player. I characterized him as aloof to his charges with a hidden soft spot for them, but that's only because I don't think of him very much. If it's alright with you I'd like to dig into your headcannons more since I don't honestly think of Baki often... But!! I need him now! For my fic! Please send me your headcannons! Also no need to shorten your answers, I love reading them.

Yes, of course! We love Baki in this household. To be honest, I cannot quite remember how our headcanons about him started, attraction to him, adoration for Suna, blatant inability to remember exactly what happened in the first arc of Shippuden. What I do know is I researched him a ton on his Narutopedia page (that website is the Bible) and frankly they had basically nothing on him. There is also very little on Suna itself, so, all of the shaping of what we have made Suna to be came from what we did know about the characters that lived there as well as what we came to believe about those characters.

Baki is described as someone extremely loyal to his village, but knows how to set priorities and is willing to go against what the council has said if that means benefiting the village. This is seen after Gaara is kidnapped and he goes to Chiyo and Ebizo (we stan these two in this household) for their help in saving Gaara. I read into this, a lot, because it was pretty much the only personality trait given to us. Baki recognizes the importance of Gaara, and the rest of the council basically agreed it might have been a blessing in disguise for the village because they still did not like Gaara. Why would Baki, someone just as dedicated to the village as the other council members, not believe the same they did? Its basically a known fact Suna shinobi are willing to sacrifice their friends, family, and lovers if it is required for a mission to be successful. They are willing to make sacrifices, so even if Baki cared about Gaara he would be willing to sacrifice him if that meant saving the village. Honestly, he may not even know Gaara that well in a case such as that. Thinking of that, I knew Baki had to be different from the rest of the council, but how?

I had absolutely all the freedom in the world to develop Baki how I wished, which is actually more terrifying than having no freedom, but when I looked at him, all I could think was that he looked perfect. His skin? Flawless. His makeup? On point. His body? Oh man that dude is so muscular and we all know it. Baki is just walking perfection looks wise so I said why not make him an actual angel? Why not make his personality just as good? Of course, this needed to be justified and I found a way to make that true (I will post the backstory I developed for him some other time).

Because he is the epitome of perfect, he would have thought letting their kazekage die for the village was awful, right? Actually no. Baki's flaw in his perfect persona comes from the fact that he would have grown up in Old Suna, so he would possess the same mindset as the old geezers in the council. He wouldn't think sacrifice was bad because he grew up thinking it was necessary. Then there had to be some other reason he thought saving Gaara was the answer, some way he knew the boy was necessary. That decision would have to come from knowing Gaara and what he was capable of, aka being close to him. Baki would need to know Gaara's motivation, Gaara's skills, just Gaara in general to think that he needed to be saved. How else could Baki have known this unless he got close to Gaara? As I have stated previously, I believed Baki would not pursue getting to know him had he not had a specific type of personality and Gaara would never reach out to make them become familiar with one another as we know.

This led me to develop Baki as I have. A village oriented angel man, who cares deeply for those he once lead. Baki had to be the type of person to be kind and open minded for the 3 siblings to even accept him in the first place. Yes, in the chunin exams arc we see him only ever act seriously and only ever look like he could kill someone with a single glance, but that is because they were on a mission. He went serious murder Baki mode because that's just what Suna shinobi do. What we don't see, is much of any interaction between the siblings and Baki. The way I read this was yes, there was no heartwarming interaction or something to make us believe Baki was an angel, but there was also no disrespect or disregard towards Baki. To me this meant they sre on a mission so they all need to be serious, and because it was still Old Suna they would have been more serious anyways, but that Baki and the siblings had a mutual respect for one another anyways so as not to say anything bad towards him (we do see Gaara was kind of awful to his siblings at the same time so he totally would have said something to Baki if he wanted because little emo baby Gaara doesn't respect authority).

To me, this meant Baki and Gaara, and Temari and Kankuro, had to have built up that respect somehow. This is something I will go into more depth later, but for now I shall simply state the following sentences. Gaara was feared by everyone because of Shukaku so it was clear his siblings, the ones less afraid to stand next to him, were the only option for his team. For their sensei, I'm sure many ninja were given the task but quit it not long after because ALL three siblings were being brats (none of them respected authority). After going through numerous other shinobi, Rasa would have turned to Baki, someone he knew was more dedicated to Suna than most and would have given him the task, stressing that this would highly benefit the village. Baki is someone who serves the village, thinks only of the village's benefits, and only goal in life is to be of use for the village. This would have been a task he recognized was highly important and him quitting as others had would only mean he hadn't lived up to his only goal in life, he would have failed Rasa and Sunagakure. In desperate attempts to not let that happen, Baki would make the best of the situation. After dreading his new job for the longest time but still trying his best to connect with the three so it was more bearable, I believe the siblings would have started recognizing he wasn't planning to leave and despite suffering from their punches and kicks was still trying his best to be educational and supportive. I think that, even if they weren't super close or caring towards Baki at that time, each would, at their own pace, begin to recognize that and respect him, meaning they would slowly stop being as bratty as they originally were. This would make Baki relieved and happy because his job wouldn't be as much of a hellhole as before and he would try even harder to be there for the three even if they did nothing in return or acted as though they didn't like it. The siblings lost their mother at a young age and Rasa was too busy or pressed to spend much time with them so they had likely never had the support Baki offered, and if they did it never lasted long, so they likely would have at least been decent towards Baki until all grew and realized that he had become a wonderful role model and shoulder to rest on for them.

Baki's character has so little development and his actions can be read so many ways, but this was what I chose and both D and E grabbed it up like little goblins. Personally, I believe that unless they were a caring and kind person someone would not be willing to get to know Gaara, who was feared by literally everyone, and thus would not believe he was necessary for the success of the village. So basically, we all see Baki as a relatively open and caring guy who eventually learns to love the siblings unconditionally and becomes their parental figure because they have no one else to turn to, for he is the only willing one and their actual parents are dead.

#dailysuna #naruto #naruto shippuden #sunagakure #asks #headcanons #mod k

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strangergrove · 5 years ago

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× VOL 001 × 04.19.2020 ×

TUMBLR | @bambixxblue AO3 | moonlight_xx

× these hearts adore (every other beat, the other one beats for) ×

WORD COUNT: 10,569

CHAPTERS: 2/?

My Tumblr prompt fics all in one place. Some pining, some angst, but usually always a damn happy ending.

1. peach, curve of an ear, coffee grounds, veined hands, thunder

2. ways to say 'i love you' - 'i brought you an umbrella.'

The writing in this is so exquisite. It feels like cracking open a favourite book on a rainy Sunday morning, when the rest of the world is still asleep. It's comforting and poetic and incredibly heartwarming.

The first chapter takes us along on a sweet little vacation to California, a last hurrah of sorts, before the kids head off to college. It's sweet and peach-soaked and you can feel the ocean breeze against your skin with every passing word. It's the exact brand of happiness our boys deserve.

The second part is an achingly beautiful redemption for Billy. He learns how to let his wounds heal, learns how to let others in, learns how to trust and love. His initial interactions when he meets Steve are so precious and it shows how complex of a person he is, the softness beneath his concrete shell. I will devour any update to this amazing collection.

× the light of day shows me how ×

WORD COUNT: 39,173

CHAPTERS: 7/7

And from Robin, a single picture: the official cast list.

ROMEO MONTAGUE...BILLY HARGROVE

JULIET “JULIAN” CAPULET...STEVE HARRINGTON

Ah, fuck.

(or, Steve and Billy are in ballet school. They're cast in LGBT+ Romeo and Juliet. Featuring mutual pining, angst to fluff, and an Ancient Slavic demon cult. It gets weird.)

This is such a fun read. The spattering of background into the story really carves out the characters so well, choreographing the story in such a way that you fall into their lives without realizing it. You sit down to watch Steve practice his role for Julian and suddenly find yourself wondering if that small stutter you just saw has anything to do with any number of little details you know of his past. You see Billy storm across the studio floor and know that he’s trying to bury something that keeps resurfacing, but he refuses to let anyone help him.

It’s wonderful watching the way the boys play off of each other, pushing one another to better themselves in both their dance and their personal lives. Watching Steve fumble with his newfound and confusing feelings is sweet, hopeful, just waiting, waiting for it to tip over the edge, for the boys to fall into the space they’ve always belong: by each other’s side.

I’ve never done ballet, only watched it here and there in movies and shows, but I fell in love with this story, the way their dances are described, their movements. So if you’ve never been that into ballet, don’t let that deter you from reading this story. It’s so much more than just ballet.

× friends should sleep in other beds ×

WORD COUNT: 13,517

CHAPTERS: 2/2

It isn’t easy being in love with your best friend.

It especially isn’t easy being in love with your best friend if he’s the practical-Godfather of your university.

(or, 'I won't let anyone hurt you; you're safe with me' prompt fill where Steve thinks his love is one-sided but it absolutely isn't. Feat. loving girlfriends and Hawaiian vacations.)

This story is beyond achingly stunning. It’s all whirlwinds and longing and the white-knuckle deathgrip of trying to hold onto something you’re convinced is going to slip away. The deep, binding relationship between Billy and Steve is beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. Both characters have obvious trenches of emotional trauma they’ve had to trudge through to get where they are, trenches they’re still slowly crawling their ways out of.

The words are so wonderfully crafted that I felt the sway and break of Steve’s emotions at the same time he did. I felt the longing, the sorrow, the sputtering flame of hope that just refuses to gutter and die. I want to say I wanted more of this story, but I don’t know if my heart could have handled it. No, it was the perfect length, detailing the long harrowing journey of love and friendship, of finding family that doesn’t come from blood, of holding desperately onto things that are worth the bruises they leave on your fingers.

TUMBLR | @cameorabbit AO3 | CaffeinatedBunny

× Life Is Sweet ×

WORD COUNT: 8,676

CHAPTERS: 4/4

Snapshots of domestic bliss, between loving boyfriends.

(This story will be marked as complete but I will be adding chapters as the muses come to me or when I need a break from some of my larger wip)

This wonderful little collection offers us a sweet insight into the boys' relationship. We get small glimpses into the boys' pasts that add layers to the stories. We get to see little snippets of Steve's relationship with his mother and grandmother. We get to see Billy's insecurities.

Each story has it’s own little theme, if you will, from baking Christmas cookies to battling insecurities in their relationship. Each story gives us a little more, brings us a little deeper into these boys’ lives, adds that next layer to them that has you coming back to see how they’ve developed. I'm looking forward to any future additions to this collection.

× When I run out of road (You bring me Home) ×

WORD COUNT: 5,316

CHAPTERS: 1/1

The road back to Hawkins Indiana is long and tedious with neither of them really wanting to reach their destination; so to distract them both Billy has a plan to make it as pleasurable for both of them as he can.

Uffda. This was a fun read. Now, before I dive into the review, just a heads up: this is a PWP with dom/sub. And apologies in advance for my inability to be eloquent about smut.

The dynamic between the two was a joy to read. Steve's mannerisms as a baby and the way Billy handles him as his Daddy was fantastic. It's not heavy dom/sub here, but you can tell they've had this relationship for a while. They're both comfortable in their roles and both know exactly what they're doing, and how to get a rise out of each other. But between the power play and the drops of backstory, there's actually some beautiful writing here, too. There were a few lines that I found myself rereading just because they sounded beautiful.

Also, I just have to say... The way Billy handles his own cock... Why do I love that so much? Just little things, too, like tapping it against the steering wheel while he's teasing Steve.

× I'll Keep you Mine ×

WORD COUNT: 3,926

CHAPTERS: 1/1

Billy's forged a kingdom and took an empty throne, and he'll burn anyone and anything that tries to take it from him.

(My Dudes this whole story is pretty much the Grumpy Possessive one claims the Sunshine One - Literally. And I ain't even mad.)

Here we get a gorgeously written tale that spins the events of the Upside Down in a different light. I don't want to spoil what that is, as it's not explicitly stated in the summary or tags, so you'll have to read to find out! This idea could easily be fleshed out into a much longer piece, but there's also something about just getting a small taste of an idea that is very enjoyable.

There is this persistent sense of danger beneath all the beautiful imagery. It's in the pacing of the story, in the way Billy needs to claim Steve. We get enough of a taste of this otherness to want more, to want to see exactly how everything unfolds.

TUMBLR | @wickedlydevious AO3 | wickedlydevious

× Weak Hands, Weak Lungs, Strong Heart ×

SERIES: Strong Heart

WORD COUNT: 2,771

CHAPTERS: 1/1

After the events at Starcourt Mall, Billy is recovering in the hospital and bored out of his mind. The only bright spots are when Max comes to visit.

And then Steve Harrington starts visiting too and that's even better.

There is a very beautiful light and warmth throughout this story. Billy's character feels so accurate, and the way he deals with being in the hospital and everything that entails is exquisitely portrayed here. What Billy has to deal with in the wake of the Mind Flayer grates against his entire personality, but it forces him to step outside of his comfort zone, outside of himself, and relearn how to interact with people, namely Steve.

The thing I loved most about this story is that we get to see these different facets of Billy, facets that maybe even he didn't really know were there, ones he never allowed himself to show because of his father. Still recovering, still being dependent on other people forces these different aspects of him into the world, and it's beautiful. It creates this very special sort of relationship between Billy and Steve that is just so pure and heart warming. I'll definitely be coming back to this when I need a spark of joy.

× Weak Backbone, Strong Convictions ×

SERIES: Strong Heart

WORD COUNT: 3,212

CHAPTERS: 1/1

After the events at Starcourt Mall, Steve starts bringing Max to visit Billy at the hospital.

And then Steve starts visiting on his own.

The sweetness continues with the second part of the Strong Heart series. The events of the first part are retold, but this time through Steve's POV. I've always loved the idea of telling the same events from different perspectives and this did not disappoint. The events may be the same, but you feel them differently than when they were told through Billy's perspective. Though the tone of the previous installation is ultimately uplifting, it's clear Billy is struggling. This part, however, is overflowing with hope, which only adds to the already beautiful feeling of the last piece. Don't think that because you already know the events that will take place because you read the last part that you shouldn't read this one. It's beautiful and moving and there are moments added that would be a shame to miss out on. I really hope this series continues, because it is wonderfully uplifting, but it stands strong all the same, just as it is.

× T(h)ree Mistakes ×

WORD COUNT: 4,559

CHAPTERS: 1/1

It’s their first Christmas in their own apartment and Steve reluctantly tasks Billy with getting the tree.

Mistakes are made.

This is a great read for the holidays. Billy's tree-getting adventures brought back so many memories of going to the tree farm down the road from our house as a kid and making a day of trying to find a tree that didn't look like trash and wouldn't break the bank. The feel of the story is cozy and sweet, like a warm and sleepy holiday morning. The kids, now teens, make a short but fun appearance that really makes this story feel like it's about found family.

This story is like coming home, rounding up all of your best friends you haven’t seen in ages, and making a night of the holidays. It’s sipping eggnog, the lights turned down low, and listening to the sweet croon of gentle music somewhere in the house. This story is comfort and happiness and love. Now I want some hot apple cider...

QUESTIONS? VISIT THE FAQ

FIND ALL VOLUMES HERE

#Harringrove #Harringrove fic #fic rec #creator spotlight #billy hargrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #steve x billy #Creator appreciation

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f-agee · 5 years ago

Text

I'm not really good at prompts but here goes nothing.

Claudette is beside herself when she finds out she's pregnant. For most people, this would be fantastic news. Hell, it would have been great news for her if there weren't a few significant issues. The first being that's she's stuck in an almost constant state of peril—second being that she has to find away to keep now not only herself safe but also her unborn child. The last issue but definitely not least is that the father of her child isn't exactly the friendliest or even friendly to begin with.

Claudette/ Frank or (whoever you pick I can't pick between Michael ,Evan ,Frank ,Kazan ,or Pyramid head)

It’s on ao3 if you wanna read it there too. I decided to do Pyramid head cause I like him and it was more interesting compared to some other killers for me

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712846

For the first time after being trapped into the Entity, Claudette cried. She honestly thought all her tears have dried out by now. Every trial being an all too familiar torture she couldn’t even produce tears for anymore, but leave it to the Entity to find a new way to torture its inhabitants. In the end she can’t even blame the Entity for her mistake, it was even kind enough to grant her odd and unusual wish for a pregnancy test after she started getting sick. The dreaded object sat tossed aside carelessly near the log that she sat at, hidden away in the deepest part of an unexplored wood in order for her to feel comfortable enough to take it. It was her fault for not being careful, her fault for not thinking you could even get pregnant here, and her fault for even sleeping with the man in general. Despite everyone else she could try to blame, her newfound torturer was herself.

She tried to reason with herself a little, every act of negligence on her part did have a very valid reason to it. She never had her period since coming here, she’s had unprotected sex multiple times since being here, and if she was gonna be honest, she wouldn’t have even guessed that Pyramid Head was fertile. He seemed more like an entity himself rather than a regular human being. She would’ve been more concerned if she had slept with that Legion boy instead of him, but in the end she’d slept with him and was now facing the consequences of their actions.

There was nothing particularly bad about the man, except for the fact that he was a monster, and that was something that pained her more than usual. It was a somewhat ignorant thought that she would have never had otherwise, but in her grief, logic and empathy was starting to evade her. Claudette knew he was an intelligent beast. He responded to natural human conversation and was definitely capable of deeper thought despite his inability to speak them. They’ve had quite a few deep conversations before they started sleeping together, but for some reason Claudette felt a little disgusted with herself. Almost like she had slept with an animal and somehow found herself pregnant. The thought felt grotesque in her brain, and when she was more like herself, she felt that she should apologize to the man for even having such a thought cross her mind.

She hiccuped and cried harder into her hands. In a deeper part of her mind, she just knew her harsh and untrue thoughts were because of what he was to her. He was indeed monstrous to her both in stature and in nature. A born killer who preys upon the undeserving with no conviction would never make for a good father. She wished Jake had gotten her pregnant instead. They’ve had a few hook ups here and there towards the beginning of being trapped into the Entity.

Claudette couldn’t call it romantic, it was two people who were desperate for contact who wanted to feel a connection with someone they trusted. Their relationship remained platonic despite what they’d have done, and they were both fine with that. Claudette would’ve felt bad if she had thrusted a child onto him for something so inconsequential to both of them, but at least it would’ve been easy. It would’ve been a whole hell of a lot less complicated if it weren’t for the fact that the real father was a non verbal killer. It would’ve been one less situation to torture herself with.

She knew the father wasn’t Jake. They haven’t slept together in what seemed like years, and Claudette hasn’t had sex with any one else recently except for Pyramid Head. Oh God, to think that her baby daddy doesn't even have a name, just a title to call himself, made Claudette feel sick again. Once again, she shouldn’t be attacking him for things that he neither is, nor can he control, and she would definitely apologize to him later, but her child’s growth and future would absolutely be affected negatively by their bloody heritage. It’s already horrible enough to grow up in a place like this, but to have a visible murderer and torturer as your father doesn’t help.

She wonders if the baby would even make it. She’s so lucky she hasn’t died recently, but luck in this place dies just as quickly as the inhabitants it affects. Who knows what’ll happen to the baby if she dies, especially if her killer damages her stomach in the process? She knows that she’ll come back ok, but what about her unborn child? If her baby dies from her inability to protect it, the grief it will cause her would kill her again. She wouldn’t even know when she would have lost it. Prenatal care is almost impossible in this place, even more so with the fact that the only hospital in this realm has an ultra sadistic tormentor guarding it. She would have to wait to either miscarry in or out of a trial, or wait and see if her symptoms go away and she never grows bigger. She’ll sit and wonder if the Entity never put her baby back together like it did her after she died, just to start grieving for something that was dead months ago.

Even if her baby did survive, would they be healthy? Claudette could only imagine what it would be like to have continuous trauma to her womb during pregnancy. It’s not that she would love her child any less, quite the contrary actually, but she would always feel that it was her fault that her child wasn’t born as healthy as it could be. She also hoped that her child wouldn’t be afflicted with the same… condition as its father. She took the time to pause in her tears to laugh dryly. She could only imagine the torture of both carrying and birthing a child with a pyramid head. All of the cute little milestones of the baby moving around in her womb would slice her stomach open, or at least cause extensive, possibly irreversible damage to her. If it got bad enough it would probably be for the best to get an abortion, but God did she want this child. Despite every bad hand that's been dealt to her, she still loved this baby. She still wanted to make it work. She still wanted to see if she and Pyramid Head could be a family.

A family. That’s truly what she wanted at the end of the day. She definitely thought of the other survivors as her makeshift family, but this was different. To love someone dearly and have them love you back in such a way that only parents and their children could share. That’s what she wanted for herself. She wished she could’ve planned everything out better. If she was still going to have a child with Pyramid Head, she wanted them to be in love with each other. To at least have a romantic relationship before being saddled with a child. She wanted to have him love her, if not for her, then for the child. She’s seen what parents who hate each other’s guts do to children born between them, and she didn’t want another thing to add onto the child’s list of hardships. It’s not that she couldn’t have a loving relationship now, they’ve talked a lot and enjoyed each other's company many times before, but the chance that he wouldn’t love her in that way or would want anything to do with the child was far too high.

She’ll find out soon enough. It was for the best if she told him now before things got too deep. Her tears started to subside and before she knew it, she was already getting up to try and find a path that leads to Silent Hill. She only vaguely remembered the way to the confined hellscape, the killer being too new for habitual familiarity, and she hoped she didn’t stumble into any other killers territory. Afraid of what they could do to her if she walked into a particularly hostile domain, she started to feel herself tremble from more than just the tears.

She hadn’t even thought about it, but all of the extra stress that gets put on her could cause her to miscarry. Who cares if you escape a mad man’s clutches, when that same mad man scares you so past your wits that your own body kills the life inside it. Not to mention even if she survives the miscarry danger zone of the first few months, the further along she gets, the harder it is for her to run, hide, or help her friends. Try as her friends might they couldn’t do much for her if she couldn’t do it herself. None of them could face a killer toe to toe, and even as a group they can only save and protect the people who could help themselves out of a chase. If a killer truly wanted to kill a specific survivor, they will, and everyone who tries to stop them will only get hurt in the process. She can beg for mercy from the more kind and moralistic killers. Wraith, Legion, Huntress, hell maybe even the Oni may be more willing to turn a blind eye to her would be rounded form, but she knows for a fact that killers like Clown, Micheal and the Doctor would relish in the new ways they can torture her and would specifically seek her out in trials.

Her breathing got rapid and irregular. She was at the beginning of a panic attack and she knew it. This was all becoming too much for her. All this heartache, for a child that she wanted to keep. She needed to calm herself, knowing that it would do more harm than good if she let herself spiral, but her grief weakened mind couldn’t handle the onslaught of emotions. She paused in her steps, before falling to her knees. She didn’t even notice the startings of the familiar blood stained concrete, or the large figure walking towards her from a distance.

The ground shook slightly with the weight of Pyramid Head’s steps, small tremors getting stronger the closer he walked towards her. The even shaking gave her something to synchronize her breaths to, making her calm enough to at least be aware of her surroundings. Something must have gotten her there quicker or maybe she was just walking faster than she thought, either way she’s glad she made it here and not panicking alone in the forest. The sight of Pyramid Head clambering towards her would’ve scared her a month ago, but they’ve met up with each other like this a lot since then. It especially loses its impact after you’ve slept with a guy. Plus she had bigger fears on her mind than a man who seemed more concerned rather than bloodthirsty.

Claudette didn’t look up to him as he came to a stop directly in front of her. Her breathing had calmed down some, but she could still feel herself shaking violently. Only when the man kneeled down and put his hand on her shoulder, did she look up to him. She wondered how he could see with that thing on. If it were some sort of helmet, he would definitely only be able to give her a sideways glance, as he had to turn his head in order to not hit her with the metal contraption. He tilted his head even more to the side in concern, obviously asking a silent ‘What's wrong?’ To her. She knows she must look a mess to him, tear stained face and hyperventilating while sitting on the ground.

Her attack had mostly passed, but it’s disappearance did nothing to quell her shaking. She was definitely going to start crying again, and she didn’t even tell him what happened yet. The silence was starting to kill her. She wished either of them could speak to break the spell. She wished that she was strong enough to just let it all out. She wished that even when she did tell him that she was pregnant with his child, he could respond back and tell her exactly how he felt about the whole thing. She wished that she could’ve gotten pregnant under normal circumstances. Tears started to flow down her cheeks again as she whimpered softly.

Pyramid Head let out a startled low whine as he quickly shifted from letting go of her, to frantically waving his arms in front of her, then finally settling his large hands on her cheeks to both wipe her tears and let him have a clearer view of her face. He was definitely not used to comforting people, Claudette now knew that for a fact, but his genuine concern and eccentric way of doing it made Claudette feel a little better. She managed to let out a short teary laugh and put her hand up to hold his arm.

“Thank you,” She leaned into his touch and sighed. “I'm sorry... For the things I thought and said that you didn’t deserve. I’m sorry that I forced you into this position. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Now he looked even more confused than before. He paused in his ministrations and only seemed to stare at her. She knows he’s probably tired of her beating around the bush. She hasn’t said anything or done anything of substance since seeing him, only bawling her eyes out and panicking. She might as well get it out already, especially since, as a new killer, he gets called out often and could leave at any moment. She looked down, took a shaky inhale of breath, and licked her lips. Well… here goes nothing.

“Pyramid Head, I don’t know how it happened, but…” A pause.

“I-,” She looked back up at him. “I’m pregnant.”

She could feel him go stiff and even tighten his grip on her cheeks. As he made no further movements, Claudette felt the need to go on. To explain herself, to hear anything but the silence and the lack of clear emotion from the man.

“I asked the Entity to give me a pregnancy test, and it was positive… I want to keep it, if you don’t mind, but I don't know what to do. How we could survive, if we could survive. How I could raise them in a place like this,” Her eyes darted to and fro wildly, her hands following. She couldn’t help but to ramble. She needed someone there to listen, and here was just the man who needed to hear it. “God do I want this kid! I really do, but this is going to be so hard. And I don’t know if I’ll be raising the child alone or-”

Pyramid Head quickly grabbed her shoulders and shook them with a strong grunt. She finally looked up at him to see his large helm quickly swaying back and forth. This was somewhat unexpected to her, considering his lack of a positive reaction initially. Does he want to help raise the child? If so could her little fantasy of a happy family be closer to a reality? The thoughts ran laps around her mind. She felt her hopes starting to bubble up inside her. She wanted to see just how far she can press her luck.

“So… would you be willing to raise it with me?” A nod as his hand went down to softly palm her belly. She was starting to feel a smile coming on. “Well I don’t want to ruin what we have going on right now, but I was wondering if you wanted to.. I don’t know. Maybe start dating?”

There was a short pause that made Claudette’s heart drop a bit. She was going to backtrack on her words, but a confused grunt stopped her. She looked at him curiously as he pointed between them, made a lewd gesture with his hands, then formed a heart after he was finished. Claudette could feel her cheeks heat up at his display before questioning its meaning.

“Where we already dating when we had sex?” A curt nod was her only answer. She blinked stupidly for a second, then laughed at her ignorance. She was apparently worried about their relationship over nothing. She’s at least glad that she had one thing going positively for her.

“Sorry I didn’t realize. Most of the times I’ve had sex was mostly just flings, and to be honest it wasn’t a lot…” He put a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, trying to comfort her.

“Well that’s at least two of my worries gone, but what about the more pressing issues. I don’t know if the baby could survive an attack or me dying. I know you wouldn’t hurt me, but what about the other killers? You can’t always be there to protect me,” They both looked down darkly at the grim situation. “I mean I could ask some killers not to target me. I know at least a few who wouldn’t hurt me-”

Pyramid Head gave a low growl at that. So that was a hard no, but they didn’t have a whole lot of options here, and Claudette knew that neither of them wanted to test the Entity’s rules on pregnancy death. Suddenly Pyramid Head made another noise as he then gestured to himself, then towards the sky. She took a moment to think about what he was trying to say.

“Are you gonna ask the Entity yourself?” Another nod. A killer asking the Entity for a favor worked out a lot better than a survivor asking for one, but Pyramid Head was new. Who knows if the Entity will trust him to keep promises or not, although he does have a good track record for kills so far. Claudette made a face. She didn’t like to take her chances with the Entity, but this was the only shot they got.

“Well… it’s worth a shot. I sure hope this works out.” She gave a reassuring smile as he rubbed her shoulder again. Eventually he pulled his hand off her shoulder, and opened up his arms to her for a hug. Claudette wasted no time taking him up on the offer, and quickly threw herself into the well needed hug. His hold was strong yet mindful of her small form. Strong bloodied hands lifted her carefully as he stood with her still in his arms. He walked them towards the main building, most likely on his way to the library, as was their usual hangout spot. The familiar scenery of the book filled room made Claudette feel the same sense of euphoria as when she’s in a garden. They definitely have a lot more to talk about, as difficult as some of the conversations may be they must be had. At least they had 9 months to think about the details.

#claudette morel #pyramid head #dbd prompts #dbd #submission

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underthemoon-and-stars · 5 years ago

Note

Are you willing to write a Stucky with a child that has Cystic Fibrosis? If so, can it be a domestic fluff? Like Bucky finds the kid and they remind him of Pre-serum Steve so he and Bucky take them in. Thank you if you can. (I'm sorry just want to see a CF character in a fandom I love)

Hi dear!! I was very nervous to write this as I wasn't very aware of the symptoms of CF. I went on a lot of medical sites and I think I have the information right? If not I am so so sorry and I will redo it!! Also I'm going to make their child a daughter but feel free to switch up the pronouns! -Selenophile

Cystic fibrosis is a genetic condition, which means that it is something you are born with. Cystic fibrosis is known to cause your lungs to produce extra-thick, sticky mucus. This mucus builds up and clogs your airways. Side effects include persistent cough with phlegm, postnasal drip, wheezing, shortness of breath, inability to exercise, as well as poor growth and low body weight despite a good appetite.

Y/N reads the doctors note every day. When she was younger, she didn't understand one word of it. At two years of age she would hand over the card to the family that had high hopes of adopting a little girl. They would usually leave without her. Her housemother, Mrs. Hamilton, always played it off as a different type of superhero form the comic books. Not a lot of adults want superhero babies. It was so easy to believe that. Now she’s 18. She getting released into the real world Luckily, her friend offered her house just till she can find a college to stay at. Y/N had to learn the hard way that adults don't want a sick kid.

“Hey kiddo” Mrs. Hamilton said, her tone soft like silk. “You read that dumb note everyday. It means nothing.”

“It apparently does. No adult wanted me in my 18 years of being here.” Y/N retaliated.

“Don't think about that. They didn't deserve you anyway.”

Y/N sighed and picked up her tote bags. “I’ll miss your kindness, Mrs. Hamilton.”

“You have my number if you need me.”

“I know”

They shared a long tender hug. Y/N pulled away once she felt a little tickle in her throat. The tickle sadly turned into a whole fit.

“Hey, if you ever need me to pay for your Bronchodilators, please text me. I don't mind.”

“Of course Mrs. Hamilton. Ill see you around.”

And with that, Y/N made her way down the stairs. This place, so familiar, was now going to be apart of her past. She remembers running all around with her “brothers”. Patiently eating dinner with her “sisters” was the best. Even exploring the world with their gender-fluid and non-binary siblings was so exciting. Mrs. Hamilton and her always had the best talks. Mr. Hamilton helped with her homework. So, so many memories from this place. She’ll miss it.

The outside world was so much different now that Y/N was out on her own. She took her meds this morning, so that once gross, pollen-infested air didn't even bother her anymore. Her brave feet carried her away from the place she used to call home. The first order of business before heading to her house of 2 months though, get some lunch. Wendy’s has a pretty amazing salad and it was only 2 blocks down. Lucky for her, 2 blocks was her walking limit. Off she went.

That's where Bucky and Steve were enjoying a lovely lunch as well. Steve had a hamburger, and Bucky had some chicken nuggets.

“Alright dear” Steve said “Check Wendy's off your list”

“Already did. I think its pretty good! Not my favorite though.” Bucky replied happily.

The newly-founded couple have been going to one fast food place a week to introduce Bucky to different types. Any fast food restaurant one could think of, they're going. It was a mix of a date and bringing Bucky up to modern times. It was good for them.

“Bucky, all you get is chicken nuggets you should branch out.”

“Leave me aloneeee I love my chicken nuggets”

They giggled together, and returned to eating. That's when Y/N walked through the door. She was already panting. Not even realizing, she passed the two men who would change her life.

Y/N stood patiently, waiting to order. Bucky watched her. Her small, skinny stature reminded him so much of young Steve. Even the way she panted after walking in. Steve would do the same.

“Who are you looking at my love?” Steve questioned.

“Oh, the girl on line. She reminds me so much of you. Skinny, Small, I heard her panting. Look she's coughing now too. What was it called?”

Steve turns around and smiles “Bucky she's cute but what's your point?”

Bucky jumped up “I'm gonna talk to her!”

“That's cute love but please come back id like to enjoy our date before our next mission”

The long-haired man nodded, skipping happily over to Y/N. Just as he was approaching though, an older man came behind her and snatched her wallet. Bucky was ready to pounce, but Y/N was first to it. She was so weak, so she flung right off with a simple push of the man.

“Hey doll, you alright?” He asked softly.

She nodded weakly, already shaking. Steve rushed out the door to follow the man.

“That's my boyfriend, he’ll get your wallet. Why don't you sit with us? I’ll get your lunch! What would you like?”

Y/N looked up at him. “I-I” she took a minute to wheeze out a cough “T-that's too kind of y-you.”

“Please its my pleasure! what would you like?”

Y/N tells him a simple Caesar Salad. He happily picks her up, along with her stuff. Bucky told her where she was sitting, and she made her way.

This is so weird. Y/N thinks to herself. She takes a seat regardless through, watching the tall blonde walk towards the shorter brunette. She sees her wallet and feels at ease.

“She’s either a runaway or an orphan whos turned 18. We need to take her in” Bucky whispered into his ear.

“Or she's just heading off to college? I cant put a girl a risk” Steve whispered back.

“Please Steve. She reminds me so much of you. She cant survive out here one her medication runs out. And to be honest? She seems like she has a low dosage the way she's still wheezing and coughing like that.”

“One day James. If she changes my mind in one day, we can keep her”

Bucky happily kissed Steve's cheek. He carefully grabbed the salad and took it to the girl.

They ate together rather happily. The couple learned her name was Y/N. She’s and 18 year old girl who just came out of the system, just like Bucky hypothesized. To sum up her condition , she showed them the note - which was only kept for nostalgic purposes - which made Steve feel connected to her more.

“So no one adopted you because you have Cystic Fibrosis?” Bucky asked

“No one wants a sick kid”

Steve sympathized. “I used to have CF too. Once I got the super solider serum I never had to deal with it again. I understand where you come from though. Being constantly underweight and small, also no matter how hard you try you cant become better at exercise. I get it.”

Bucky took Steve’s hand and kissed his cheek. Y/N smiled, continuing to eat her salad. She didn't even question the fact that he was Captain America, she understands how it feels to be bombarded with questions.

They managed to convince Y/N to stay for the night. She fought them on it, telling them they were being way too nice for a girl who was about to ruin their night. Bucky continued to tell her to shush it, while Steve was having a change of heart.

It was a good night. They watched TV together, enjoyed a lovely home cooked dinner, talked some more about each other and even played some old timey board games. Y/N had the time of her life. No way on Earth would she do this with any other adult who offered her help. Since Steve had a similar experience and Bucky helping him through said experience, it gave Y?N the confidence to take the offer. She never regretted it

That one day became one week. That one week became one month. The one month became a year. Steve and Bucky were there every step of the way. Convincing to ask the little web slinger Peter Parker out to prom, taking said prom pictures, helping Y/N with homework, taking her on cool adventures. The day of her high school graduation they gave her the gift of a car. She gave them the official title of Dad. When the papers for official guardianship were clear, it was the happiest day of the trio’s life.

Now, its the night before Y/N goes to college. Her bags were packed. Her small, cozy bedroom looked so vacant now. Her dads were cuddled up on the couch.

“Got any room for a jellybean?” She asked softly.

“Yes we do! Always!” Bucky cheered happily,splitting apart from Steve. The small girl jumped in, which was a big mistake since she was already taking deeper breaths.

“Did your school accommodate for your CF?” Steve asked, giving her a big fat kiss on her cheek.

With a giggle, she replied “Yeah dad, They put me in the closest dorm to the classroom. They also put me on the lower floor on the dorm building. AND Peter said he was gonna help me out.”

“You and Peter are too cute, I'm happy he takes interest in you”

“Thanks Dad 2″

Y/N leaned right into her dad 2 where she was scooped under the chilly metal. Steve got up, moving to the fleshier side of his husband. Yes, in the year Y/N lived with them, they finally got themselves together and got married. Y/N was Bucky’s maid of honor, and she joined in on the couples first dance.

They watched the stupid soap opera that was on late at night. all three of them couldn't even keep up with what was happening.

“Dads, I love you” Y/N blurted out.

“Woah kid, you better catch your breath, because we love you too.” Bucky responded as Steve reached over, playing with the girls hair. Her happy giggled gave Steve and Bucky the message: they changed this girls world.

Send all requests to the Inbox!!💌

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writinginstardust · 6 years ago

Text

Can’t Fight Love

Pairing: Isaak Andreyev x reader

Warnings: brief mentions of being stabbed, tiny bit of suggestive conversation

A/N: this was supposed to be really short but i’m me so 🤷‍♀️ is there even much point me explaining anything or talking here? there’s like 1 person who’s gonna read this. it’s cutish so enjoy! (oh also I seem to have a little bit of an obsession with Isaak’s hair and still have an inability to come up with decent titles)

Word Count: 3285

We were sparring the last time I saw Isaak.

"Your stance was off," he said, his face mere inches from my own and our bodies entirely too close for me to form cohesive thoughts.

"Shut up," I mumbled trying to ignore the heat radiating from his body and what could be a rather compromising position. It was about all I could manage.

"Don't be a sore loser." He grinned as he lifted his weight off me. It was a relief to put some space between us but I couldn't help mourning the loss of contact. He held out a hand and effortlessly pulled me to my feet as I took it. "Want to go again?"

"Sure, if you think you can handle it," I said with a smirk, feigning far more confidence than I had any right to. He rolled his eyes.

"Well I've beat you the last 6 rounds so I think I probably can."

"Don't get cocky on me Andreyev."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He grinned and we got into position. We were actually pretty evenly matched so I knew I could beat him if I wanted and he knew it too. I'd been holding back before, but not this time.

"Ha. Now who's stance was off?" I panted once I'd finally got him pinned.

"Still yours." He grinned and Saints did he look gorgeous. His hair, damp with sweat, messy and beginning to curl a little, some of it sticking to his skin which was flushed from the exertion. His chest heaving as he caught his breath, occasionally brushing against my own where I was leant over him to hold down his hands. His eyes, alight with mirth, staring up at me, so close I could pick out hundreds of different shades of brown within them.

"Well I still won so…" I shrugged and sat up, dragging a hand across my brow to wipe away the sweat. "Want to call it a day?" Before he could answer a voice from the training room door cut in.

"I'm afraid he'll have to." We both looked over to find Tolya standing there. "The Triumvirate require his presence." We stared at him in surprise for a few moments before Isaak sat up and I realised I was still sat on him. I quickly climbed to my feet and offered him a hand.

"Do I have time to wash first?" Isaak asked.

"If you're quick."

"I better get to it then." He squeezed my hand and smiled at me. "I'll see you later (Y/N)."

"See you." And he left.

That was 3 weeks ago. Tamar had told me he was needed for an important, top secret assignment and not to worry but it hadn't stopped me. He could be dead or hurt and i wouldn't even know. He hadn't even said goodbye and it hurt. So, when I got called off duty the evening after Nikolai's party with the news that Isaak was in the infirmary, my heart leapt into my throat and I immediately assumed the worst. It took a lot of self-control not to run across the whole palace just to see him sooner and assure myself that he was okay.

When I reached the infirmary, I found him sitting up in bed looking...not quite himself. His eyes just slightly too light and his hair a little too blond. And of course the scar visible on his bare chest wasn't right either.

His face lit up when he saw me and he beckoned me over. I hesitated for just a moment when I noticed Nikolai, the Bataar twins, and the entire Triumvirate taking up much of the space around his bed. They all looked between Isaak and I knowingly. It was as if they could sense I was in love with him though I had no idea how. I was worried that Isaak himself might know, he knew me so well and if they'd all realised then how could he have not?

"Ah, (Y/N), lovely to see you," Nikolai said with a welcoming smile. "How's the family? Has your sister had her baby yet?" I was surprised he remembered that with all that had been going on. But then that was just another of the reasons he was such a good King. He remembered everyone.

"They're quite well thank you. Katya had twins last week." I immediately felt more at ease and moved to take a seat beside Isaak.

"Girls?"

"Yes, thankfully. Hopefully I'll be able to go home to meet them soon."

"Take next week, I'll sort it out for you."

"That's very kind of you mon tsar."

"It's no trouble, family is important. Now, there's a few things you deserve to have explained to you about the past few weeks but we'll give you two a few minutes first. I have a feeling you need it." He looked between Isaak and I with a small smile before ushering the others away. They didn't go far though, staying within earshot at the bed of a Shu girl who was the room's only other occupant. All of them tried to look like they weren't eavesdropping but i could tell they were paying more attention to us than whatever conversation they were having. It didn't particularly bother me though. Not when I finally had Isaak back.

"Hi," he said, his adorable sheepish smile creeping onto his face.

"...Hi? ...Really? You disappear for 3 weeks without so much as a goodbye, turn up in a hospital bed, and you're going with hi?" He deflated a little and I instantly felt awful.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're alright." I smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm going to need an explanation for this though." I tapped the scar on his chest.

"I...uh...might have gotten a little bit stabbed."

"YOU WHAT!?" I yelled and could feel tension seep into the air.

"Not to criticise, Isaak," Nikolai said into the charged silence that followed, "but you perhaps should have considered approaching that particular subject with a little more tact."

"You better have a good explanation for this."

"And he does. For the past few weeks Isaak has been pretending to be me and unfortunately suffered an assassination attempt by the Shu last night." My heart lurched fearfully even though it had already happened.

"Ow." I looked at Isaak and found him wincing in pain at the tightened grip I had on his hand.

"Sorry," I said distractedly as I loosened my hold. What Nikolai said just wasn't comprehensible which is why my first question threw everyone off so badly. "So is that why your hair and eyes don't look right?"

Genya blinked at me. "They're not right?"

"No," I shook my head, trying to clear it, and twirled one of Isaak's curls around a finger. "Too light, and his hair's still too blond." Isaak's cheeks turned a little pink under both our gazes and I felt a soft smile stretch my lips. Until I remembered why we were here and I snapped back out of it.

“Wait, why were you impersonating Nikolai?” Isaak’s eyes flicked to the others in question and mine followed. They nodded at him and he finally answered.

“Because Nikolai was missing until last night. They asked me to step in with all the foreign guests coming and I agreed. That’s also why your guard rotation got switched, you’d have known something was wrong.”

“You could have told me, you know. Or told me something at least, even just said goodbye.”

“I wanted to say goodbye, I wanted to tell you everything, but I couldn't." And I could tell from his voice that he really did mean it.

"Why not?”

“I’m afraid that’s on us,” Tamar spoke up. “It seemed like too much of a risk to have anyone else know even a little of what was going on. No matter how much we could trust them.”

“That...seems reasonable I suppose. But how did all this get you caught in an assassination attempt? Where were your guards?”

As everyone fixed disapproving gazes on Isaak I felt my heart drop. He’d done something stupid. Sure, he’d definitely done it with good intentions, but he’d done something stupid nonetheless.

"What…did you do?"

"He arranged a secret meeting with the Shu Princess, without telling anyone, to declare his love or something in a reckless romantic gesture that I admit was very me. Rather unfortunately though, she was actually a member of the Tavgharad pretending to be Princess Ehri. Stabbed him and herself to frame Fjerda for the assassination of them both." Wow. But also ouch.

Years I'd been falling for Isaak. We'd met during our basic etiquette training when joining the palace guard, trained together, hung out together, fought together when the Darkling attacked. He'd been my best friend for so long and I'd wanted him to be more for almost as long. And foolishly I'd thought he might come to feel the same. Clearly not if this was anything to go by. I took a deep steadying breath and attempted to keep my voice calm as I spoke.

"You're an idiot, Isaak. I'm so happy to have you back and alive but I am beyond mad at you right now. I'm…I need some time. Come find me when you've recovered, okay?" I offered him half a smile, I couldn't manage more, and left without another word. I might have cried if I'd stayed any longer and I didn't want anyone to see that.

Isaak came to find me the following afternoon. I was training, kicking another guard's ass with a sword to be precise, when he interrupted me.

"Hi, (Y/N)." I held up my hand to my partner and tossed him my sword to hang up before turning to the door.

"Isaak." Still I was mad at him for everything that had happened but the hesitant smile he was sporting took the edge off. I was pleased to note Genya had fixed his hair and eyes since last night and he looked like his old self.

"Can we talk?" And usually I'd be reasonable and say yes but I was filled with frustration and a lot of feelings I wasn't ready to let him know about just yet.

"I'm not in the mood to talk. Come spar with me." He frowned but removed his jacket and came to join me.

"(Y/N), let me explain…" he tried as I came at him, his words cutting off as he moved instinctively to block my attack.

"No." I spun round and went for his legs but he knew me well enough to anticipate the move and easily remained on his feet.

"(Y/N).." He twisted me and I found myself trapped against his chest.

"Stop. Talking." I swiped at his legs and wrestled free as he regained his footing. We stepped apart and circled each other for a moment.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), please just talk to me."

I didn't reply and simply came at him again, this time managing to knock him off his feet. Before I could do anything else though, he hooked an ankle around mine and brought me down too. We wrestled for a minute before Isaak finally managed to pin me to the floor. I tried to squirm away but my body was tired from training and he was stronger.

"Why are you so mad at me? I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on and I'm sorry for making you worry about me but I was just doing my job."

"That's not why I'm mad at you," I hissed even though that wasn't entirely true. He really didn't get it though.

"Well if it's not that then tell me why." I could hear frustration creeping up in his voice to match my own. He made the mistake of loosening his hold though and I flipped him off me to pin him instead, my face ending up much too close to him as I snapped.

"You want to know why I'm mad at you?" I growled. "I'm mad because I was I was scared, because you did something stupidly dangerous and turned up after three weeks of nothing having been stabbed! And then you go and act like it was nothing! You could have died, Isaak! Do you get that!? Do you have any idea what that would have done to me!? Or did you not even think about that when you decided to go and fall in love with a girl who planned to kill you?" I squeezed my eyes shut and took a breath as I felt tears threatening to fall.

"Why does it matter so much? We've lost friends before, it's a risk of our job." He asked, voice much gentler now.

"It's different this time. I almost lost you."

"But why-" he didn't get it and I finally broke.

"Because I love you!" I yelled and immediately froze. Isaak's eyes were wide with shock, his lips parted with surprise. Everything was still and silent while we both processed my words.

My heart started racing and I began to panic. I hadn't meant to say that. Ever. Slowly I removed my hands from his shoulders and sat up. I had to get out of there. His rejection on top of everything else wasn't something I could take.

Before I could stand, a hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged. I fell forwards, fortunately having enough presence of mind to throw out my other hand to catch myself. My arm buckled though when I felt a soft pair of lips against my own. Isaak's. Unexpected but as perfect as I'd always imagined.

A hand threaded through my hair while another cupped my face and I melted into the touch. I had plenty of questions but they could wait. I never dreamed I'd get this chance so I was going to savour it. Every moment of it.

He pulled away too soon. But I wasn't quite ready to leave the moment. It took a minute while I got my breath back, but I opened my eyes to meet the rich depths of his, sparkling with something new. Hope, love, joy, somewhere in between. The specifics didn't matter. What it made me feel did.

Absentmindedly his fingers trailed across my cheek to rest on my jaw while his thumb stoked my red, kiss-swollen lower lip. The tenderness of that touch alone had my heart crying out in joy. His smile made me melt and the corners of my mouth tugged cautiously with one of my own as I reached up to lay my own hand atop his.

"I love you too," he whispered, the words and the warmth of his voice wrapping around me and seeping into my very being. He loved me. He loved me. Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter.

"I'm still mad at you," I murmured anyway, thoughtlessly twining our fingers together and bringing his hand to rest beside his head. The action definitely undermined my words but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Of course you are." He rolled his eyes and chuckled lightly. "Can we save the lecture for later though?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you're going to kiss me again."

"Which way avoids the lecture?" He asked with a cheeky grin.

"Saints, you've spent too long pretending to be Nikolai." I couldn't help grinning along with him though. "Just kiss me, Isaak."

It was even better than the first time now I knew it was coming. The hand still tangled in my hair moved to rest lightly on my waist, a soft sigh escaping me as his fingers grazed the skin there. At the noise, his lips moved more confidently against my own and I opened my mouth in a clear invitation. An invitation he happily accepted.

Everything was slow, languid, every touch savoured and lingering, turning my blood thick and molten. I idly traced his jaw with my free hand, tilting it just slightly to slot our lips together better before sliding it up to tangle in his hair. A pleased hum followed the action and a little smile slipped onto my face as I proceeded to twirl a lock around my finger.

“What are you smiling about?” he asked when I pulled back a little to take a breath.

“You.” I dragged my hand through his hair again and once more that happy little noise escaped him. “You’re cute.” He blushed at that but it only made him cuter.

“You’re one to talk.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and rolled so I was laying on the floor now instead.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you.” He prodded lightly at my stomach, making me giggle. “Are.” He pressed a kiss to my neck, somehow finding the right spot to draw an appreciative hum from my lips. “The.” His hand moved to caress my cheek as his lips travelled higher. “Cutest.” He pecked my nose and my face scrunched up in a smile.

"You're so cheesy." Before he could do anything else funny or cute I brought his lips back to mine, not wasting any time before deepening it. Unfortunately someone decided to interrupt us far too soon.

"Saints, Isaak, I'm fairly sure I said to go make up with her not make out with her." Isaak turned a frankly hilarious shade of red as he pulled away and we both turned in the direction of Nikolai's voice. He was leaning in the doorway of the training room beside a smirking Tamar, looking far too pleased.

"I'm sure he made up with her first," Tamar said. "(Y/N) seemed pretty angry before, she'd probably have punched him if they hadn't talked first."

"Good point."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Isaak said uncertainty as he glanced between us all. "She hasn't forgiven me yet."

"Are you sure? Given what we walked in on, I'd say you looked forgiven enough." Nikolai raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"He's somewhat forgiven." I looked back at Isaak and twirled his hair around my fingers with a grin. "If you hadn't interrupted maybe he'd be completely forgiven."

"I don't know how much more it was going to take but I think it's good we came when we did." I almost choked at Tamar's implication and felt my cheeks heating as Isaak buried his face in my neck to hide the way his was burning too.

"I...assure you, it wouldn't have gone that far," I coughed out.

"Mmmhmm." I couldn't see it but I knew that infuriating smirk was plastered on Nikolai's face. "Well, we came to let you know that we've sorted a couple of weeks for you both to go see (Y/N)'s family and you're both being promoted when you get back. Sorry but you'll have to see a lot more of us all."

"You're trying to kill me, all of you." I grinned at Nikolai though, he knew I was only joking.

"Not deliberately, I assure you. We'll leave you two alone now," he winked as he turned to leave, "don't have too much fun."

"Or get a room if you do!" Tamar called back as she followed him out of the room. Isaak spluttered out an attempt at a defence but was too flustered to manage any words.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." He turned to me with wide eyes and that adorable flush deepening on his cheeks. "Relax Isaak, I'm kidding." I laughed and leaned up to kiss him. "Start with dinner. Tomorrow?" His smile was pure sunshine and my heart felt light for the first time in weeks.

"Dinner sounds great."

Tag Lists: (send an ask if you want to be added!)

Everything: @wonderfilledness

Grishaverse: @thats-so-bucky

#isaak andreyev #isaak andreyev x reader #Isaak Andreyev x you #Isaak Andreyev imagine #Isaak Andreyev fanfic #Grishaverse #grishaverse fanfic #grishaverse imagine #king of scars #king of scars imagine #king of scars fanfic #kos #Kos imagine #kos fanfic #reader insert

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more-than-a-princess · 3 years ago

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( it's been a while since we properly talked but know that you're still a valued friend of mine, like it's been so nice chatting with you on and off. esp about cats cuz they are fluffy babies.

I will also add it's very neato to see/read whenever you work on your cosplays? like the effort you put into it is visible n grand and it's always a treat to see. And in terms of writing Sonia it's just so detailed, with the thoughts regarding her country, family and traditions it's always neato to read n my mind just keeps popping up with memories of the posts so they've stuck with me. I also find it cool that it seems that you always seem to know what you want to write, but that could just be my impression of things. I do hope things are going well for you and we can write again soon uwu )

Unprompted OOC asks - Accepting (as long as you aren't trolling)!

Seventh, thank you so much for your very kind and heartfelt thoughts in this message. They are so wonderful to read! You too are a valued friend of mine and even though our fandoms are diverging and we can't always thread together, I still love what you are writing and sharing about your muses. I also have new photos of my hairy baby, Princess Molly: she's pacing around my desk as I write this.

To be honest, I've been concerned for awhile as to if this blog, and my muse, are just...I don't know, boring? Or if someone has written with me for awhile they're just less interested because I want to keep writing a single muse blog instead of a multimuse? It doesn't help that, while I never post them (I block/delete, always), I do receive plenty of anonymous hate about my portrayal. That I focus too much on Sonia's talent mostly, or that I don't want to write some of the more popular fandom romantic ships for her (mostly Sonia/Chiaki. I love their friendship but I don't see them as a romantic couple). What I think is that a lot of the fandom really wants and/or appreciates Sonia's 'dumb' moments, such as her sheltered past and inability to understand current trends and colloquialisms equates to her being stupid, a bimbo, etc. That's never the stance I wanted to take with her: instead, I wanted to give her what a contemporary royal family, education, lifestyle, and background might look like (though it's composed of both fictitious royal stories and real life history and current events).

That said, it really means a lot that you enjoy what I write here for Sonia, both in threads and headcanons. Between feeling like I'm boring my mutuals or that I create friction in the RPC due to my headcanons and writing style (multi para/novella isn't for everyone, but it's how I like to write and what I enjoy reading from my writing partners), there's been several instances when I've contemplated just quitting tumblr, or picking up another muse I may or may not want. I'll never run a multimuse blog for several reasons, but in general I tend to write one muse and their universe until I'm completely exhausted of plotlines and/or writing partners and then move on.

And speaking of ideas and plots...Seventh, most of the time I have zero idea what I want to write or am going to write. Having a good friendship and communication with my writing partners OOC helps a lot with this (especially when we can send each other random stuff and not expect an immediate reply: work + life + other hobbies often prevents me from doing this), but memes and specific prompts are ideal besides pre-plotted threads. Sometimes I'm feeling a certain theme or mood, or a series of quotes just resonates with me, and that helps guide what I want to do. I'm the worst person for unexpected/unprompted IC starters and headcanons, both sending and answering. I usually have to get inspired by something on the dash or some sort of media. I'm glad it looks like I know what I'm doing (because I'm usually flying by the seat of my pants!).

Finally, thank you so much for your feedback regarding my costumes! It's been hard to see myself in some of them recently due to weight gain and aging, so I'm trying to take better care of myself. I actually have costumes for and/or will be dressing as muses from at least three different mutuals' blogs this year (and rewearing some of my Sonia outfits. Talk me out of doing the anniversary/prom gown, please), though I haven't really shared most of them. Maybe I should?

My next big event is debuting one of my Penelope Featherington costumes for the upcoming Queen's Ball: A Bridgerton Experience this month! I'll probably do one more new Penelope gown before switching my Bridgerton costuming focus to Francesca Bridgerton: they're my two favorite heroines in the Bridgerton series and star in my favorite books from the series, so I'd love to do them justice. After that, it'll be time for fall cosplay events and conventions (and Halloween). I really enjoy historical-based costuming and fancy dresses, probably far too much.

This got a bit long-winded but, tl;dr, thank you so, so much. Your words mean so much to me and I will save this to reread whenever I've feeling down about my writing, interactions, and/or portrayal.

#more-than-a-princess answered #more-than-a-princess musings #the lytenye realms #(Thank you again for this wonderful ask!)

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nancy-ss · 3 years ago

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𓅓.

soft-hearted people aren't good beings. none is innocent. all have sinned and is sinning. the prophet was true when he said that humans drink sin easily like water. the Divine's much truer when He said that from the very youth of man, his thoughts are evil continually. the psalmist also said that while we're still in the wombs of our sinful mothers, we're already sinful also. why's this so? because the original sin of our first parents was imputed to us. we do not sin because we're sinners. we are sinners that's why we sin. you may refute me now at this very instance, but please read a little longer.

study the behavior of toddlers or even the newborn babies. if their parents can't provide immediately their wants, they'll become violent. if we can see their minds, we'll just see so much wickedness. a little further. familiar with little Johnny? his parents never taught him to lie. it's his inclination to lie to his papa where in fact he's actually eating sugar. sounds funny? yet that's the truth. you might say that the behavior of other people influenced you to do evil. of course, no human will never ever experience temptations. we all do. but, is it not because that your flesh is tickled that's why you get angry for someone with no apparent reason. you envy someone's achievements though they haven't done anything bad to you. you even say that there is no God. the psalmist said that whoever says that there is no God is a fool. okay, i'm talking much.

here's the catch, i will warn you that the Lord is angry with the wicked every day. not just who practice homosexuality. not just the fornicators. not just the hypocrites. but those who slander. those who commits murder to unborn babies and even those who has so much hatred for his/her brother. those who looks with someone with lust. those who do everything but without faith. He is wrathful to all kinds of sinners. i am of no excuse. and this truth trembles me. woe to me!

but friend, there's still hope for us. because of our utter inablity to do what pleases God and to save ourselves, He made a way and even freely gave us the Way. you might say that the imputed sin of our first parents is unfair, how much more is the case of Christ as to whom all of our sins (past, present and future) from all ages are imputed to Him. He who knew no sin was made sin for our behalf. i cannot fathom the guilt i felt within when i realized that my lustful thoughts, foolish words and unwise deeds became Christ's! He is exceedingly holy. He is God. yet He chose to left His throne above to become a man born of a virgin by the power of the Holy Spirit. He is a Man of sorrow. He came for His own but they despised, mocked, persecuted, and worst crucified Him! Oh, fellow sinners, it is not the Romans nor the Jews nor the Gentiles that actually killed Christ. it is His Father who loved Him so much and Christ also dearly loved since His daily bread is to do His Father's will. His Father was pleased to crush Him. can't you hear Him, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" this is the most tragic abandonment throughout history. Jesus at this moment, doesn't called His Father, "My Father" but "My God". why? so that we can call His Father our Father! the Son of God descended, lived as a Man but not diminishing His divine essence, died, resurrected and ascended so that the sons of men can be called the sons of God! Christ is the only perfect Mediator between sinful men and the Holy God!

what wisdom! what love! my friend, Christ is our righteousness. since He obeyed and fulfilled the Law He authored, His perfect obedience will now be ours. since He drank the full wrath of God, there will now be no condemnation for us. since after 3 days He resurrected from the dead, we will now be reconciled to God that we offended daily. but how? by believing in the person and finished work of Christ alone and by repenting of our sins. we must be born again by the power of the Holy Spirit. how can we say that we have now a new heart? when we now hate and will continuously hating until we die what God hates and when we love what God loves. by His grace, we will now love holiness. oh, conversion done by God is sweet. but, don't lose heart in the process of sanctification. we will still sin but the Holy Spirit will convict us leading us to not astray completely in the narrow way. we will struggle with our flesh daily since the followers of Christ are expected to die to self. please, let us repent of our sins and believe in the gospel. following Christ will cost us so much but not following Him will cost us more.

𝐽𝐸𝑆𝑈𝑆 𝑅𝐸𝐼𝐺𝑁𝑆!

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learningtoeatokayagain · 3 years ago

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venting about ex

I feel I need to write about this more. I think I've like, somewhat felt disappointed in myself in regarding to how I could be with someone for so long when I am unhappy. But that's like, a pattern of mine. Like, my 3 longterm ex partners - I was deeply invested and in love with and super loyal and supportive ... like, I started to become deeply unhappy, but i stayed.

I was thinking of my most recent ex and how disconnected we became from each other since lockdown. He started seeing someone else more seriously and I felt something was so off. And I was right. But like, so random, the Spotify 2021 top songs made me really reflect on a lot. Like, some of my top bands were like, people he didn't really know I listened to. I felt like, we were growing so apart. Like, the band Tennis was in my top and I don't think we ever listened to that band together. And my top 100 songs were so reflective of how my year went. Like, legit it was: broken hearted bitch, sad bitch, processing bitch, getting better bitch, falling in love bitch. That was my year. I really held onto this fucking thing with my ex for so long. It's weird because it's been well over a year since I started to like, feel the change. He was involved in so many projects that I didn't even know about. He really pushed me out. So much. He used to talk about how some mutual friends "basically disposed" of him like, after a fight between several of us happened. I remember feeling so disposed of him. Like, he would talk about how these friends chose some thing (don't remmeber what it was) over him. He talked about that a lot. When like, he completely did that to me. He legit chose this new relationship and avoiding fucking talking about it over me. He totally disposed of me. Like it's so confusing when people do the thing that has happened to them that has hurt them.

I also think I've come to terms with more about shit between us. He took up so much fucking space. All the time. Loud, talkative, interruptive, and huge inability to listen/hear. He would always put things back on me, "You never listen to me" when I would like, misunderstand or forget something. I was reading about the Gottman Institute four horsemen of the apocalypse. I was actually reading it for stuff totally unrelated. But I started to apply much of to my relationship with him. One of the biggest predictors of divorce/breakups was contempt. It's basically like, mocking, calling your partner names, eye rolling, scoffing, etc. This legit, was the thing he did all the time. It was so hurtful and felt so dismissive and disrespectful. And i told him this. I even said, "I feel hurt/sad/etc when you roll your eyes, can you not do that?" I was not accusatory. I focused on me. He didn't stop. One of our last fights, he fucking mocked me. I felt so hurt. I told him how I felt and to never mock me. He didn't really have a response. I remember so many times did this bullshit comtempt. I remember never doing this shit to him for multiple reasons. Like, it's fucking rude and mean, immature, and I remember my baby-daddy doing this stuff from me. I worked a lot on like, not wanting to be around fucking assholes. My ex also was very defensive and really didn't try to NOT be. I consistently felt unheard or understood.

I think I'm also mostly sad about how shit went down. I don't know ... like, I put a lot of effort into the relationship and tried really hard. And I was the one doing a lot of the communication labor. It sucks when I was the one putting so much of that effort. One thing I also realized was like, he was really bad at like, putting action and words together. He definitely knew what to say, but very rarely followed through.

It's weird to be around so often to like, rarely talking. I did miss him for a bit. Mostly just like, telling him things. But all that started to diminish since lockdown. I had started to feel he was losing interest in me quit a bit. I feel like there was a lot of unhappiness for a long time that, I guess, I did try to like, work through and work on with him.

Fucking realizations.

Also, remembering that he would say things to me like, he was going to skin my rabbits and eat them when they died. And I didn't like hearing that. He would say he was joking. Literally, wtf.

#break ups

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madcaptales · 4 years ago

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Woeful Vanity

I hate weekends, especially the ones I'm forced to spend time in the company of friends I don't care for, friends who don't care for me, but these are friends regardless, compulsive acquaintances. It was raining that Saturday. I walked into the room to the sound of orchestrated cheers, had they planned it? I could only speculate. I'm sure they thought: "Here he is, the unsociable devil who reads and writes for fun, let us see what he is made of." Oh, I hated the lot, and scorned their collective pleasure. The preliminary rituals were being followed when I walked in, the music was blaring, the kind of shit music that supposedly elevated the mood; a joint and couple of cigarettes were being passed around; some were immersed in heated arguments, while others were laughing at unfunny jokes; another bunch sat huddled in the corner crushing more weed. Someone walked in with a Bong and beers, the chorus of appreciation was handed out yet again. The bong was set up, and the first person took a toke, madness and anticipation ensued, and to me it seemed like a farce. The doors and windows were closed, within minutes the room was filled with smoke. A room full of intoxicated people, intoxicated not by the substance, not yet, but by the idea of peace and buffoonery the substance promised, by the idea of freedom that it offered, a certain orgasmic pleasure. Then the "fun" started, I prefer to call it drollery. The crowd, drawing courage from their numbers, started voicing out opinions and ideas, everything unoriginal. Most of their ideas were ripped off from improperly researched social media posts, and narratives followed by TRP-loving pricks in the mainstream media. I've been part of such discussions before, and I knew I would be part of it for years to come. The topic of conversation always started with politics, and then moved on to boons of the internet, all of this hypocrisy while we were posting stories on Instagram with catchy hashtags. A few who were bold enough to venture closer to the truth were immediately shut off with snide remarks. And it was amidst these people, in an uncomfortable setting that I learnt the entire truth about my generation, we didn't want the truth. No, that just wouldn't work for us, we only want to scorn at people, and blame everything under the sun. We only want to disprove God, yet we are scared to go deeper, and analyse the possibilities. We only want intellect for the sake of showing off, the true essence of it doesn't matter. We believe ardently in Absurdism because Camus is such an intellectual thinker to throw around during debates, yet when faced with the true absurdity of life, we take to social media to weep about it. We leech on to those opportunities where we can blame the education system because it is a readily available narrative against our incompetencies. We deal with our insecurities by meddling with the innumerable addictions readily available at our disposal. We have lost touch with the meaning of love, it only matters to us as long as we can bloat about it to our acquaintances. We have let our aesthetics in Instagram profiles define our creativity, let our bio's speak for the authenticity of our characters. Social activism has gone online. We hide our faces with interesting Snapchat filters. Journaling is dead, we box memories in story highlights. We don't love poetry anymore, how can we possibly enjoy Neruda with attention spans so erratic? No, we are happy with our Rupi Kaur's and Rahul Kaushik's. Our success is measured by salary figures, careers have become monotonous, soul-killing stuff that doesn't ensure growth, but it certainly ensures decay. We recuperate by partying at weekends, and making fun of sensitive people with no tact, drilling deep into their emotional wounds to leave a permanent mark. Socialising is no more a choice, it is a mandatory prerequisite to fit in. We have replaced intelligence in individualism with stupidity in collectivism.

We have mapped out our lives with the limited freedom allowed in our tight-knit society that seeps with patriarchy, where growth is appreciated until it lies within the boundary of "accepted" liberalism. Now, our mobile phones can speak, think, and suggest how we lead our lives. Capitalism has made it possible to prod and poke a person's thinking to a certain path, it starts right from birth (a baby's soap), and goes on even after death (what kind of coffin is bought for the funeral). Our minds have been infused with distortions, heading no closer to truth than we were a generation ago, we live our lives with a deep sense of satisfaction, derived partly from the fulfillment of our materialistic needs, and also partly from our neighbour's inability to satisfy those same materialistic needs. Any help we offer is in an attempt to satisfy our ego's, and knowingly or unknowingly this is our life. A believer does good deeds in the hope of a good afterlife, a non-believer does it to hide his insecurities and shortcomings behind the goodness of his heart. Anything but the truth. No, we don't want it. Truth is hard, truth takes considerable courage. Truth breeds vulnerability, requires an open heart. Who has time for that? Not us. And who am I to make such vain assumptions? I am a part of this rat race, as much a part of this generation as any condescending fool. I am no better. My very thinking of writing this as I sat there in the company of other people, secretly judging them, and trying to dissect their characters collectively shows that my vanity has got the best of me. But hold on, don't make an assumption now. I know what you're thinking, "At least he's accepting it." No, even accepting it, or pretending to accept my vanity is just a final cry of my ego to gain sympathy. No, trust me when I say this, I'm no better. The point I'm trying to make is, I hate weekends, and the company of people. I prefer spending my time alone, reading a book or writing such useless discourses that benefit no one. But at least I'm being honest about it, doesn't that make me better? See what I mean? I bet you're shaking your head in disbelief, as you should or the entire point of this article has been misinterpreted. I'm no better!

— Sridhar Venkateswaran

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