#I'm kinda unhappy with this but I can't tell why so whatever here

[oxygen-stealer]

Grab the bull by the horns

[ofourlee]

megumi x reader

you and megumi were like "🤞" you were constantly together. at the school canteen, on the school roof, or wherever. any group projects that need pairs? you and megumi. you two are virtually inseparable.

they say "puppy love," but you had no idea what you were to megumi. he doesn't know what he is to you either. in short, you're simply two ignorant high school students, worried that if one of you confess, the friendship will become uncomfortable. you couldn't risk anything, right?

while you're busy delivering hints to megumi, he's being oblivious and indifferent. (as if he isn't also head over heels for you.) ugh. is he too stupid to understand? or is he simply choosing not to see? you didn't know.

megumi enjoyed taunting you. he always got under your skin. but who are you to complain if you've fallen for him? he was always so chatty when he was with you; it was like a never-ending conversation between the two of you.

you two were polar opposites. you enjoy romantic comedies, romantic animes, romantic literature, anything romantic, and kittens. he enjoys action movies, informational books, sports, and dogs. but hey, opposites attract, right?

as you two walked home together, as usual. the rain began to fall hard.

he glances up at the sky, a little groan escaping his lips as he notices the black clouds accumulating above.

"crap…it started raining suddenly, didn't it?" he mutters, his tone tinged with frustration and resignation as he looks around for cover.

as you both seek cover, he notices children playing in the rain.

he looks out at the children playing in the rain, a tiny grimace on his face.

"those kids are going to catch a cold, playing around in this weather," he mutters, shaking his head in distaste. despite his initial displeasure at being caught in the rain, he can't help but feel a tinge of youthful jealousy as he watches the youngsters play and giggle freely in the rain.

"aw, but they look so cute. i used to play in the rain when i was little." you burst out.

"you played in the rain? seriously?" he says, his tone alternately mocking skepticism and dismay. he finds it difficult to envision you, who is normally so collected and put together, playing in the rain like a carefree child.

"yeah! you don't?"

he shakes his head, a little sneer coming from his lips.

"no, definitely not. I've never played in the rain," he says, his tone scornful and condescending. he can't fathom himself willingly getting wet and muddy, let alone enjoying it.

"gumi, that's kinda sad." you mutter.

he recognizes the real disappointment on your face and feels guilty about his harsh reaction.

"what? It's not that sad. i mean, it's just rain. why would anyone want to play in it?" he attempts to explain, his tone defensive as he dismisses his lack of childhood rain memories.

"why do you always have to be a moodkiller?" you asked him.

as he hears your charge, he sighs, his tone tinged with irritation and resignation. it is not the first time he has been labeled a'mood killer' by someone.

"i'm not trying to ruin the mood or anything; i just don't see the point in getting all wet and muddy," he says, with a tinge of defensiveness in his tone.

"you know what? whatever. you can stay here."

he raises an eyebrow at your remark, expressing surprise and unhappiness with your tone.

"what, really? you're going to go play with the kids or something?" he says, his tone alternating between amusement and irritation. he can't tell if you're sincere or simply attempting to get under his skin.

as you lay your bag down, you say, "the rain is extra heavy, and that's a rare occasion, so I'm not passing up the opportunity. stay here if you still refuse."

he observes as you drop your bag on the floor and get ready to walk out in the rain again. he is filled with irritation and resignation, and your insistence makes him roll his eyes.

"fine, go have your fun in the rain if you're so damn eager," he says, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back against the wall.

"oh, i will!" you protested.

he watches with surprise and subtle adoration as you move away from the gazebo's protection and gladly allow the rain to soak through your clothes.

he can't understand how someone could find delight in something as simple as getting drenched in rain, yet he can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy for your carefree and unconcerned nature.

"woooow!! this is so fun!" you shouted.

"are you sure you don't want to join me, gumi?" you try to persuade him again.

he pauses for a while, conflicted between his customary snarky and distant demeanor and a slight flutter of curiosity that he can't seem to ignore. he sees you twirling around in the rain, your laughter filling the air, and something in his chest tightens.

with a slight huff of resignation, he murmurs beneath his breath, "oh, what the hell…"

he rises up and walks out into the rain to join you.

"yay!" you screamed again.

he attempts to keep his normal cool and controlled exterior, but he can't help but feel a slight pleasure when the cool raindrops touch his skin. he looks across at you, his normal poker mask breaking slightly when he sees your delighted grin.

"you know, you're crazy," he mutters, a sneer forming at the corners of his lips.

"see? it's not so bad, right?" you try to comfort him.

he can't help but acknowledge that there's something wonderfully liberating about standing in the rain and letting the water wash over him, washing away his worries for a time.

"i suppose it's not as bad as i thought," he confesses, letting out a tiny sigh of despair. "but I'm definitely getting a cold now, thanks to you."

as you stand in the rain, you can't help but notice his wet face. his nose, long lashes, and plump lips.

he sees your stare, and his cheeks warm slightly as he thinks how he must appear right now, with his hair and clothes soaked from the rain and water droplets sticking to his eyelashes and skin.

"what…what are you looking at?" he says, his tone guarded and embarrassed.

"do i look like I'm looking at your hands?" you ask simply.

he flushes even more, startled and perplexed by your remark.

"what? no, that's not what I meant. i just… " he fumbles over his words, his typical calm sliding as he attempts to come up with a solution.

"you're so cute, megs."

the rain continues to pour hard, chilling the air and reminding him of the gravity of the situation.

"we're… we're going to catch a cold, you know. drenched like this, in the rain." he adds, earning him a mournful expression from you.

he softens as you make a disappointed look, his concern for your well-being taking precedence over his previous sentiments.

"hey, don't look so sad," he says, his tone a blend of sympathetic reassurance and kind reprimand.

"i'm just saying, you don't want to get sick, do you? i can't have you sneezing and coughing all over the place."

"but," you begin. "but i still haven't tried kissing you under the rain yet…"

there were a few seconds of stillness. seconds turn into minutes. he was speechless, and so were you.

you didn't realize what was going through your mind after saying that. you don't seem to hear yourself at all. but you can't let this opportunity pass, right?

he waits for a bit while a concept forms in his thoughts. he looks at you, his eyes skimming your wet form once again, the contours of your body plainly apparent beneath the clinging fabric of your shirt. his heart flutters again as he struggles with his own need and discipline.

a few moments later, he finally speaks up. "so, you really want to… you know, kiss in the rain?" he inquires, his voice low and little huskier than normal.

your eyes brightened. "yeah! it's like experiencing rom-coms in real life."

he gives a little, delighted giggle at your excitement.

"only you would think something like this is like a scene from a rom-com. you really do live in your own world sometimes, don't you?"

despite his remarks, he admits that the prospect of kissing you in the rain is strangely appealing. a chill goes down his spine as he imagines the feelings and emotions that would accompany it.

"yes, it is!" you protest.

he rolls his eyes again, but his lips show a trace of a grin.

"i should have known. you probably watched a dozen rom-coms recently and now you're craving some romantic experience you can reenact."

he can't help but notice how your clothing clings to your body, and the sight causes his thoughts to blank for a few seconds. he swallows hard, his eyes reflexively tracing your figure's contours and lines, which are clearly delineated by the moist cloth. he swears beneath his breath, and his cheeks flame up again.

"i… um, yeah, I know you love rom-coms and all. you love any kind of cheesy, romantic stuff like that."

he attempts to remain composed, but his gaze is drawn to your physique, the moist shirt giving little room for imagination. his thoughts are a jumble of yearning, restraint, and a hint of humor at your penchant for romantic clichés.

"so, uhh, you really want to do this, huh? kiss in the rain. like a scene straight out of a rom-com."

"yes, i want to."

he lets out a sigh, a combination of despair and exhilaration running through his veins. in this moment, he can't seem to refuse your demands; your passion is too contagious for him to ignore.

"fine, fine… you win. we'll kiss in the rain. just like some cliche romantic scene you've watched in a dozen movies."

you were overjoyed right then.

the rain continues to pour steadily, creating a continual background noise that adds to the intensity of the scene. he takes a step closer to you, narrowing the distance between your bodies. his gaze settles on your face, then gently moves down to your lips, which are slightly parted in anticipation.

"are you sure you really want to do this? right here, in the rain? it's kind of cliché, don't you think?"

ugh. he wouldn't stop talking.

"just shut up and kiss me already."

with that, he draws you in closer, his hands softly resting on your hips, the moist fabric of your shirt on his fingertips.

his breaths are short and ragged, and his heart races in his chest. he leans closer, his stare fixed on your lips, a mix of eagerness and something more whirling through his dark eyes.

"you're really something else, you know that? demanding to be kissed in the rain like it's some romantic movie moment. but I guess it sort of is, isn't it? In a—"

you've decided you've had enough. you held his face and kissed him yourself.

he's taken aback by your unexpected gesture, but he soon relaxes into the kiss, his eyelashes fluttering close as he responds to your lips. his hands tighten around your hips, drawing you closer to him, and his tongue reaches for yours, the taste of rain mingling with the kiss. his head is filled with sensations, the sound of rain merging with the hammering of his heart and the feel of your body on his.

he deepened the kiss, his tongue entwined with yours, the flavor of you feeding his mounting hunger. his body is pressed close against yours, the moist fabric of your shirt on his chest, and the heat of your skin through the thin cloth causes his thoughts to wander.

he pulls away for a minute to gather his breath before returning your look, his eyes darkened with desire and a hint of astonishment at your entrance.

you giggle to yourself. dammit! you finally touched those lips for the first time.

he gives out a breathless chuckle at your reaction, his hands remaining firmly on your hips, bringing you close to him.

"that good, huh? you couldn't wait to kiss me so bad." he adds, his voice somewhat cocky as he attempts to control his rapid heart rate. the rain continues to pour around them, and the world appears to have faded away, leaving only the two of them in this moment of closeness and desire.

"that was your fault for always talking."

he huffs in faux indignation of your words, yet there's a smirk on his lips.

"my fault? how is it my fault that you can't wait for me to finish talking before pouncing on me and kissing me?" there he goes again.

he pecks your lips one more time before pulling away, catching you off guard. what are we, megumi? you think to yourself

as his gaze moves over your face, he notices your features and how the rain has rendered your hair somewhat unkempt and your clothing cling to your body.

suddenly, your attention was drawn to the dog, who was also in the rain and playing by himself. you petted him.

he looks at you with a mix of astonishment and enjoyment as you quickly switch your focus to the dog, a faint giggle escaping his lips.

"of course, you'd notice the dog before anything else, even after that kiss."

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Hello,

Is there any way you could translate Samatoki's newest solo, Rinka/Blue Flame? I've been looking for a translation everywhere, but cannot seem to find one.

Best regards and thank you very much.

Oh my God I am desperate slug-san, please please pleaaasee tell me you know where to find a translation of Samatoki's Rinka/Blue Flame!! OTL I was so surprised a translator wasn't already linked in the wiki which is where I usually look first & then I couldn't find anything by searching on twitter or google or tumblr and I just really wanna know what his song is about!! T°T I can't believe I found a translation of Honobono's song but not of Samatoki's song?? I must be doing sth wrong.. Help :')

Hey slug-san! A follow-up of the Rinka/Blue Flame message. I've searched some more, and I think there's actually no translation of it so far anywhere.. T~T Would you be willing to translate it? A standard/literal translation with a lil clean-up like you did with Akuma no Hana would be totally alright!! Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to engage with Hypmic in a way the official creators haven't made possible yet! :D <3

Sure. Under a cut for length.

I'm running at a speed faster than grief, going so fast I leave even the smallest bad feelings behind me. I spit on my dead-end future, spit in the dirty puddles. Now I'm clinging to the guardrail, tears tracing scribbled lines down my cheeks. I bet it looks pretty comical. C'mon, laugh at me, why don't you? Let's start somewhere around the unhappy ending. Why not? Works for me. The clear, blue sky waits for sunset; but to hell with that. I don't need that crap! Let's do whatever we damn well please, here in this vacant city. Just the thought of them makes me light up a cigarette. Look, I don't wanna tell people we gotta fight each other to get what we want. I just think we have to, because there's things out there that're worth keeping safe. There's a stray dog baying at the rain streaking down the glass, and that SOB won't shut up. Hey, fuck your umbrella. Who needs that kinda crap? Throw it away and let the rain drench you too. The beat's entrenched in my soul, a stupid requiem for this unfair world we live in, lying on its sickbed. C'mon, get in there and pay your respects to it. You don't have the time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You know lashing out's the answer, right? You'll be okay. And I'm not gonna tell you you're running from your responsibilities. So c'mon. Quit your sniveling and come ride with me. The brakes don't work; those emotions never get any slower. And we're burning ourselves out, but don't let that stop you from coming along with me for the ride. Ride with me through thick and thin. Ride with me all the way to the grave.

A few final notes:

Sunset is a metaphor for melancholy. When Samatoki rejects that in the third verse, he's rejecting sitting through his feelings of loss. He uses this image again later in the line I wrote as "sit around feeling sorry for yourself."

The gender and plurality of the "them" Samatoki thinks about isn't specified. While it's most likely referring to his family, the verse immediately afterward sounds like a direct reference to Ichirou and Samatoki battling to save their siblings in the TDD breakup.

"We're burning ourselves out" could also be written like "We're burning ourselves down to ash" which connects with the cigarette image.

Given the prevalence of stray dogs in hardboiled/yakuza fiction and their recurrence as an image in Samatoki's other raps, the stray dog should be understood to be Samatoki himself.

[boydepartment]

I'm back 😛✌️

I need more angst jayjay if you're up to it 😈

I had this jake request floating around my mind for awhile and then you started My Only Love(read the 1st chapter and loved it btw💕 The noodles in his pocket had me SCREAMING. And that predebut jake photo 🥺🥺) and I felt like it was the right time to send this through

Can you please write Jake breaking up with you?? Like an ugly break up?? Maybe his parents don't approve of your relationship? Maybe it is a fight blown out of proportion?? Maybe he doesn't love you anymore? Maybe he's moving thousand of miles away? Maybe he has to break up with you because he's an idol? Maybe he can't see a serious future with you? Maybe there was some infidelity???

I don't have specifics for the why. You can write whatever you want jayjay I just need you to make me cry 😈😈 please break my heart 🙏🙏🙏🙏

XOXO,

     🧈🧈🧈

a/n: SO THIS WAS KINDA HARD FOR ME BC I REALLY LOVE JAKE AND FBOUEKGJNERKGNEK BUT I TRIED MY BEST!!!! i took the argument too far route 😅

Family Card- Jake Sim x Gn! Reader

MASTERLIST warnings- angst, cursing, jake is kinda mean in this??? but the reader also says things too, i ended up getting carried away during revision! wc- 1k

song- FREE AT LAST by PUP

“What did you really expect to get out of this?”

You looked down at the man who you’ve been dating even before he debuted. His hair was a mess and he leaned against his knees as he sat at the table.

“I expected my boyfriend to actually care when I tell him I want to visit home for a bit.”

Jake looks up at you, his eyes showing his plethora of emotions from the past 15 minutes. You both started getting really fed up with each other when you brought up wanting to take a trip back home… by yourself.

“I can’t believe you want to go without me.” He sounded dumbfounded, scoffing and getting up. This double standard has always frustrated you. Of course, you understood moving with Jake and taking this risk with him. But it bothered you, during his trainee days you were left alone for about a year. You never complained or held it against him. You were okay with secretly dating him, and you were okay with him living in a dorm with his friends. But the one time you wanted to go home by yourself, it was an issue for him.

“I checked your schedule! You are busy the days I want to go home!” You raised your voice slightly, you never wanted to go on a trip without him but sometimes life gets in the way. You and Jake were both well aware of that.

“Then wait until we can both go together!” He flips around, messing with his hair frantically. Both of you were in each other’s personal space.

“Just because you can’t see your family as much as you’d like that doesn’t mean I have to!” You poked his chest, the way his face fell for a split second showed you that you had fucked up.

“Wow.” He steps back from you, the look of anger coming right back. Even though you know you fucked up, you were still going to stand your ground.

“I am so sick… Of bending over backwards for YOUR schedule! No matter what it is, you always leave me last! You changed from the guy I started dating! I went with you to all your auditions, I supported you, I don’t complain about your life style-“

“Then go home and don’t come back if you’re so fucking unhappy with me!” Jake interrupted you; the silence overtook the dim kitchen.

The silence did not stay long, as you started up again, “I can’t even be unhappy with you if you are never fucking here in the goddamn first place!”

“I don’t know why this is MY fault, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you took this leap with me, maybe you were too stupid to think it through.” The man in front of you leaned against the counter, head in his hands.

“I’d say the initial idea itself was kinda stupid.” You crossed your arms mumbling, all you wanted was to go home, “what if you didn’t debut? And your parents just fucking wasted their money on you. You grew up in a privileged household where you could waste money like that for a stupid dream!”

Jake looked up at you again for a split second, “at least I knew what I wanted to do with my life! You haven’t even finished school! All you do is go to college and work like a fucking robot! Sometimes you don’t even feel human to me when I do see you! You have no clear goals in life and maybe if you did you wouldn’t be so fucking unhappy all the time!”

“You’re being mean…” Your voice broke, that strong tone faltering slightly.

Jake not noticing your demeaner falling spoke again, “oh, I’m being mean? Yeah, I’m sure your family is going to be thrilled to see the kid that walked out on them for a guy. At this point they’d probably not even open the door for you, then I would have to clean up your mess.”

You looked down at the floor, you weren’t able to see your socks clearly at all, your tears clouding your vision completely. He knew your family wasn’t keen on you leaving everything for Jake, especially because they knew what you have had to go through the past few years. You didn’t expect him to pull the family card on you, part of you didn’t blame him. You just pulled his family card a few minutes ago. You pulled the fact he gave up everything for his dream, and you let an ugly part of your human emotions take over. Taking a deep breath, you walked to your room. He didn’t follow you. As you packed your bag, you called customer service to try and change your flight back home to as soon as possible.

You were also going to make it a one-way ticket. This argument just solidified more that you weren’t happy with him anymore. Both you and Jake weren’t stupid kids anymore. Now adults, you both grew into two entirely different people. You don’t like the person he made you when you were around him now. You were not the same person you were previously, you felt unkind now. Your heart hated the person you were starting to become.

As you were put on hold Jake walked into your room, “what are you doing?” Hearing his voice sparked that fire in you again. Yet another wave of anger and ugly emotions hit you.

“I’m going home, I’d rather take a chance of them not taking me back than being unloved by you.” You spat and pushed past him; you ignored his calls to you. You ignored Jake trying to get you to come back. You ignored the man who you used to love. The person who loved him previously, who rooted for him, took chances for him, didn’t exist anymore. That person was replaced with you, someone who now felt unlovable and mean. You felt awful after this fight, you knew only time could heal you both. Just not together as a couple, you would have to heal separately.

[ssahotstuff]

Aaron Hotchner x reader (virgin/innocent reader)

Part 4

Part 3 can be found here

Warnings: fingering, oral fem receiving, unprotected sex, angst with Haley, cursing, some alcohol use, angst in general kinda

Word Count: 5.4k

The day Jack went home, Aaron called Haley beforehand to tell her they needed to talk. You were down the hall with Jack, cleaning up his room with him, helping him organize everything the way it had been prior. You often helped him get ready to go back home, he usually asked you to.

"The next time I come to your house, can we make donuts? I saw a video on YouTube and it looks really easy," Jack often helped you in the kitchen—the two of you were always baking treats for Aaron to take on cases, and to enjoy with the two of you when he came home. Haley's newfound attitude had put a damper on the time you'd usually be spending with him—but hopefully Aaron could convince Haley that you weren't so bad after all.

"As long as your mom is okay with it," you didn't want to crush his spirits, but you were planning from this moment forward to run everything by Haley so you didn't step on any toes.

"I'll ask her when I get home! I have to get your picture too!"

A moment later, Aaron was coming down the hall to collect the two of you so you could leave. Aaron's hand found yours, so instead of getting in the car as he put Jack in his seat, you stood behind him as he worked. Once he had Jack's door closed, he turned to you.

"When we get to Haley's, let me do the talking, that way she gets mad at me, not you."

You nodded, sighing heavily. You didn't want Aaron to be the target of her fury either, and that also meant you were completely unable to defend yourself against anything she might have to say to you in return.

Aaron hated how much this was hurting you. Haley was already unhappy on the phone, and it would only get worse when the two of you arrived to talk. Aaron knew Haley well enough to know she wouldn't make this easy for him, or you, but he had to try.

✨✨✨

45 minutes later, you were seated on Haley's patio in a chair next to Aaron. Haley was sitting across from you while Jack stayed inside with Haley's sister Jessica, who seemed much more pleasant by far. She'd greeted you with a warm smile, and even shot Haley a sideways glance when Haley refused to acknowledge you.

"There's nothing in our divorce agreement that says he's allowed to stay with your girlfriend," she spat, getting straight to the point. You did as Aaron asked and sat quietly, your hands folded neatly in your lap.

"There's also not a single word about him coming home if I have a case," he countered, knowing that was an arrangement she'd decided out of nowhere just to try and get back at him.

"Does she even know anything about taking care of a kid, Aaron? He's on a schedule, I can't have some random stranger you're sleeping with this month—"

Aaron cut her off quickly, his voice calm yet stern.

"That's really rich coming from you—how many random strangers did he see when you were sleeping around during our marriage, Haley?"

You brain was fixated on what she had said—had there been many women before you? Secrets he was keeping because he was embarrassed? He'd only ever told you about Haley, but they'd been apart for two and a half years when you met—that gave him plenty of time to do whatever he wanted.

"You honestly think that little of me, Aaron? Jack never saw a thing on my end," she defended, turning on the tears—Aaron's posture immediately changed when she started to cry; he softened visibly, moving his hands to the table, almost as if he wanted to reach out and comfort her.

"I—I shouldn't have said that, Haley. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why you're changing your mind now. We've been together nearly a year. She's a part of Jack's life," Haley sniffled, wiping her eyes before she said anything else. You felt as powerless as ever, watching her play Aaron like a fiddle.

"You don't even live together—he bounces around enough between my place and yours. He doesn't need another place to get used to."

Haley was finding any excuse in the world to keep Jack away from you. Aaron felt like he was running out of options—there wasn't a clear solution, not one that Haley would agree to anyway.

"She's not going anywhere, Haley. I'm not letting you take this away from me," Aaron was exasperated, feeling like he was being pulled around on a string, still controlled by Haley long after their relationship had ended.

"I'm not budging on this, Aaron. Unless you want to fight me in court, Jack comes home when you get a case. End of discussion."

She stood from the table and opened the door leading inside, signifying that the conversation was over and that the two of you needed to leave. Jack came rushing from his room, running right up to you and Aaron. He gave you both a big hug before turning his attention to you.

"I can't find your picture anywhere. Mommy, have you seen it?"

Haley gave Jack a sympathetic smile before looking to you, shooting you an icy glare before she replied.

"I'm so sorry, Jack! I must've thrown it away," you could hear the venom seething from her words, your heart nearly torn in two at how vindictive Aaron's ex wife could truly be.

Once you were in Aaron's car, you expected him to say something—anything that might make you feel a tiny bit better about the situation. You were stone cold silent, staring out the passenger window as he navigated you back to his house. He had both hands on the wheel, his eyes set straight ahead on the road.

The silence didn't end until his phone rang. He answered it quickly, and you assumed it was work on the other end, about to pull him away from you before you could even talk.

"I'll be there in an hour. You can start without me, I'll get up to speed on the jet," he said, glancing over at you quickly. He knew the timing wasn't ideal, but he couldn't help when his job took him away from you. He hung up the phone and cleared his throat, his hand coming across the console to rest on your thigh.

"I don't think it'll always be like this. She just needs time to get used to you is all," he said, trying to sound as optimistic as he could given the circumstances. In your eyes, Aaron was still trying to defend her—you couldn't imagine having an ex that had done you as dirty as she did—and you especially couldn't fathom defending them over Aaron. You knew there was a major difference—there was a child involved. But you were perfectly capable of taking care of him. Aaron hadn't bothered mentioning that, though.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

You didn't bother looking away from the window. Aaron knew you were upset; you had every right to be. He knew if the roles were reversed, he'd be livid. For the first time in your relationship, he was worried—afraid of how this might make things exponentially harder on you in the future. If Haley didn't come around, it would certainly make your life much more difficult than it needed to be. He was afraid you'd grow tired of the fights and drama and leave him alone—and that was the last thing that he wanted.

When you got back to Aaron's house, he led you inside while he gathered his things to get ready to leave. You sat on the bed and watched him buzz around the room quietly, stewing in your own frustrations about the situation. Aaron let you be; he didn't want to make things worse. He leaned down to kiss you, tilting your chin upward with his fingertips.

"I love you. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

You nodded, smiling back at him—you knew there was so much more that needed to be said, but instead, you told him you loved him too and let him walk out the door. You swallowed that feeling of dread that came from all of your unanswered questions and tried to compose yourself as much as possible. You should've known Haley would outcast you, and you wouldn't dare put Aaron in a position where he had to defy the mother of his child. It would only end bad for everyone involved.

You decided then that Haley would have to try a hell of a lot harder to push you away. Aaron and Jack were your life, your future, and just because she'd let it slip away before didn't mean you were going to make the same mistake.

✨✨✨

When the week began, you tried to put all of your energy into work so you wouldn't have time to think about anything else. At the end of the day on Wednesday, your boss had called you into his office, which had you worried the entire walk from your floor to his. Mr. Jennings wasn't exactly a kind person—in fact, he was terrifying. He wasn't a man of many words, so the fact that he wanted to talk to you had your palms sweating profusely as you knocked on the door to his office. He called for you to come in, so you opened the door and shot him a dazzling smile, hoping it would soften the blow.

"Hi, sir. You wanted to see me?"

He gave you a once-over, taking you in fully, making you feel exposed and vulnerable. He nodded towards the empty chair nearest to you so you sat, crossing your legs and clasping your hands together.

"You've been on fire this week."

You were taken aback that he'd noticed, given his usual lack of recognition to the majority of the people on your team. This was a rare occurrence to your knowledge, so you were slightly baffled.

"Just trying to make the most of my time, sir."

He gave you a tight lipped smile, nodding to the paperwork on his desk.

"More than that. You've exceeded every expectation we have. That's an impressive feat."

You weren't sure what to say, so you just nodded, smoothing out your skirt nervously.

"Thank you sir," you said finally, and he cleared his throat, holding up what looked like a contract—which really confused you.

"I'm offering you a partnership. The flexibility will allow you to work from home if you want, just keep showing me the kind of initiative I've been seeing the last couple of weeks. You'll get a sign on bonus and an official title change; a raise and a car from the fleet, too."

This was the last thing you had expected. You knew you'd been working harder to avoid the current problems at hand, but you didn't know it would lead to such a monumental moment in your career.

"Wow—sir, thank you. I don't even know what to say."

He handed you a pen so you could make it official, shaking your hand firmly as he stood to his feet.

"You can clean out your desk and take the rest of the day off, start fresh at home tomorrow. You deserve it. See Angie at the front desk to get the keys to your new ride," he beamed happily back at you as you gathered your copy of the new contract and headed back to your desk for the last time. You couldn't wait until Aaron was home—there was cause for celebration, and you couldn't have been happier.

✨✨✨

Aaron was running on two days of no sleep when he finally reached his hotel room, exhausted to tears. He collapsed on the bed after kicking off his shoes, immediately checking his phone to see if it was too late to call you. He had to factor in the time zone difference, but it was still kind of early for you, so he hit send, waiting to hear your voice fill the other line.

"Hey, baby. Miss me yet?"

Your lighthearted demeanor was exactly what Aaron needed right now. The case was taking a toll on everyone—the ones involving children usually did. He was praying for a break, desperate to make it back home to you without falling apart beforehand.

"More than you could ever imagine. It's been rough," the last thing he wanted to do was tell you about the case; he couldn't really, and you didn't deserve the nightmares that it would surely cause you.

"I'm so sorry baby. I know it isn't easy. What can I do to make it better for you?" Your voice was soft and as sweet as candy, already easing part of his worries just by answering the phone when he called.

"I just need you, to hear your voice. How was work today?"

Aaron was thrilled to hear about your promotion, the fact that you could work from anywhere really opened a lot of doors for you. You weren't tied down to the office, which meant you could stay with him more and just work from the comfort of his office if you wanted to. You were so excited to tell him, it only made him wish he would've been there when you got off work to hear the news firsthand.

"We'll celebrate when I get back. The ladies have been wanting to see you; we could go out, if you wanted," Aaron typically didn't frequent the team's nights out at clubs, but for you, he was willing to make plenty of exceptions.

"You hate going out," you reminded him, but what he liked didn't matter as long as you were happy in the long run.

You talked until Aaron couldn't hold his eyes open any longer. He knew there was a lot left to be said about the situation Haley had put the two of you in, but for now, all that mattered was that you'd be waiting for him when he got back.

✨✨✨

The next time you saw Haley was without Aaron. He was still out of town, but you'd decided to take your work to the local coffee shop. You hadn't expected to see her, considering this wasn't her part of town, but you decided to say something anyway, just to be polite. You managed to catch her attention as she was waiting for her order, walking up to her with your head held high.

"Haley! How funny running into you here," she nodded back at you, looking around before she spoke.

"I'm surprised you're talking to me without Aaron here to defend you," she quipped, but you weren't taking her bait, not by a long shot.

"Defend me from what, you? I choose not to speak—unlike you, I don't want an argument," it was the last thing in the world that you wanted honestly, but she refused to let things be simple.

"There isn't anything to argue about. You are just a placeholder—something to keep Aaron occupied until he comes back home. You think you'll take my place, be his wife one day? Think again—he may love you, but he will never give you his last name."

She said it as if it were a stone cold fact—that it had already been decided. You didn't let this break you; you kept a brave face and blinked back the frustration so you could have the last word.

"Believe me when I say that the second we decide to get married, you'll be the first one with an invitation, Haley. Wouldn't want you to miss out on Aaron marrying the love of his life," you gave her the brightest smile you could muster before walking back to your table and continuing your work. She was playing a dangerous game, trying to come between you and Aaron—one that she wouldn't win, no matter how hard she tried.

✨✨✨

"So, have you met Haley yet?"

Emily was the first to ask after they practically pulled you to the bar to do shots. Aaron had given you a happy nod and told you to go have fun, sitting in a booth with Spencer and Derek. You were sandwiched between Emily and JJ, and Penelope was to your far left, listening in when she could. The topic of Haley piqued everyone's interest, so you had their full attention.

"Oh yes. She hates me, to put it mildly," you told them, and Emily snickered in response.

"I'll bet she does. You're pretty, funny, and young! I'm sure she despises you," Emily said, passing you a shot before taking one for herself.

"You can't let a woman like Haley bring you down. She didn't want Hotch, but she didn't want to see him happy with someone else. It was so toxic," JJ explained. You wondered how Aaron had lasted so long in something so obviously deteriorating; did he see the signs and ignore them? Would he do the same in your relationship? You'd never know, but you'd always wonder.

"Sounds like it," you agreed, hoping the conversation shifted to something lighter—you didn't want to spend your night of celebration talking about the one person in the world who couldn't stand you.

From across the bar, Aaron could see your discomfort. He was immediately rethinking the entire night judging from the look on your face alone. He didn't want to interrupt if you were busy, so he sent you a text asking if you wanted to meet him outside for some air instead. He went in the direction of the front door, deciding he'd wait for you at the side of the building where it was less crowded.

You didn't bother replying—you told the girls you needed some air and they let you go without argument. You had just rounded the corner when you saw him, leaned up against the brick wall of the building. Even in the lamplight he looked delicious; you were convinced he'd worn the olive green polo just to tease you all night. His arms were practically bulging through the tiny sleeves; you'd caught more than one woman staring at him tonight.

Your fingers felt his belt loops as you leaned into him, resting your head on his chest. You could still hear the music pouring from the speakers inside, but you could feel the drumming of his heart, beating wildly in his chest.

"Talk to me; you don't look happy," Aaron could tell your mood had been off for days, but he hadn't said anything. This was the first time he'd seen you in five days, so he hadn't really had the chance. He'd known something was up though, just from your voice on the phone.

"I'm fine, really. I just have a headache is all," you told him, but he wasn't buying it—not tonight.

"Don't tell me that. Something's going on with you, and I can see it. Is this about Haley? Is that what you want to do tonight?" He knew how accusatory it sounded, but he couldn't take it back now. Your hands fell from his sides and you backed away, taking a step forward back towards the door.

"No, it isn't. I'm not doing this, Aaron."

You sighed heavily before making your way back inside. Aaron stayed behind for a few moments, giving you enough time to find the girls before he came back inside. He decided then that he'd keep his distance for the rest of the night—he'd already made you upset when the night was supposed to be centered around you.

Derek gave Aaron a curious look when Aaron joined him at the table. Aaron sipped his drink and prayed no one said anything, but Derek wasn't letting him off that easily.

"Trouble in paradise?"

Aaron shook his head, not wanting to air out their business, but at the same time, he did want an outside perspective on things.

"I don't know. Haley doesn't like her—I'm in a tricky position trying to make them both happy—trying to keep things civil," he finished off the rest of his drink and decided he was done for the night so he could drive the two of you home.

"Woah—why in the world do you care about making Haley happy? Haley isn't your friend, Hotch. She's your ex wife. You have a custody agreement signed by a judge—she can't keep Jack from you. Pleasing my ex wife would be the last thing on my mind if I had a woman like you've got," Derek said, glancing towards the bar where you sat, looking like there was a personal rain cloud above your head, pouring on what was supposed to be a good night.

"It's not about pleasing Haley—it's about Jack's parents getting along to some degree."

Derek shook his head, leaning in closer.

"You pick Jack up, and drop him off. There is no getting along. What do you have to talk about? You're not friends, Hotch! The longer you ride the fence, the higher your chances are of only having Haley to turn to in the end," he said flatly, standing up to go to the bar. He left Aaron alone to think about what he'd said; as much as he hated to admit it, Derek was right.

You were seated between Emily and JJ when Aaron came up behind you, leaning down to whisper in your ear.

"Want to get a milkshake before we head home?"

Aaron was trying to salvage what was left of your night, hoping you wouldn't turn away from him again. You gave him a nod and said your goodbyes, taking his hand as he led you to the front door. As soon as you'd made your exit he was turning to you, taking both of your hands in his.

"I'm sorry. I've been handling this all wrong, this situation with Haley. I've been trying to put your feelings and hers in the same category and that isn't fair. I don't care what Haley thinks; I only want you to be happy," he told you, his eyes full of remorse. He hated that you spent so much of your night mad at him over what he'd said.

"It's okay, Aaron. I don't ever expect you to be on my side when it comes to Haley. You two have a lot more history than we do; I get it, really," even though you understood, it didn't make it hurt any less. Haley thought that their past trumped his current feelings.

"I'm always on your side! I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am," he defended, raising his voice loud enough to draw the attention of a group of young guys passing by. One of them quickly asked if you were okay and you nodded, removing your hands from Aaron's grasp so you could wipe the tears from your eyes.

"So I'm just supposed to sit around and listen to her talk about me like I'm not in the room for the rest of my life? And what's even worse is that you don't open your mouth to defend me, not even the slightest."

You turned around and walked in the direction of the car with Aaron on your heels. He unlocked the car so you could climb in, waiting to start the vehicle until you'd finished your conversation.

"I know that I let her get away with saying some inexcusable things. That's on me. What I'm telling you now is that I won't ever do it again. I'm aware that I've made mistakes—please let me fix them."

He opened the glovebox and found you a pack of tissues, moving the middle console so he could come closer. He dabbed at the mascara running down your  face gently, trying not to irritate your skin. Your breathing was shaky and shallow as you tried to calm down, finally turning to look at him for the first time since you'd gotten in the vehicle. The minute your eyes caught his gaze, his face softened, his hand coming to cup your face as you leaned into his touch.

"She made me feel so stupid, Aaron. It's all I've thought about since it happened," Aaron took you in his arms, kissing you on the top of the head as you finally gave in and let him comfort you. He'd been gone so long it felt silly to fight it any longer; now that the air had been cleared, you finally felt like you'd be able to rest. You'd spent the week stressing about Haley and the interaction you'd had with her; wondering how you were going to confront Aaron and finish your conversation. Between that and your new job title, your week had been a big ball of nerves. You were finally getting the chance to calm down a little.

"I love you so much. I'm so sorry she made you feel that way; I'll never let her get away with it again baby. I thought I was keeping the peace, but I was just making a mess," he explained, letting go of you long enough to try to get a look at your features in the darkness of the car. He hated to see you upset, especially because of something that he'd done.

"I love you. I know you had good intentions, Aaron. I also know we're both new to this. We're gonna figure it out together, okay?"

Aaron was thankful for your patience; he'd never expected to love anyone else, so he was clueless as to what he was supposed to do when it came to Haley. Clearly he hadn't been making the right choices up to this point; he'd have to change or risk losing you, and that wasn't happening.

"Together. Now let's get you that milkshake."

✨✨✨

Later that night you were tucked into bed next to him, his shirt draped over your body, his hand on your bare thigh as the tv droned on in the background. You stopped paying attention to it when his hand began to move upward, his eyes still trained on the television. Before you knew it, he was parting your thighs, scooting down on the bed so he could lay between your legs. It started innocently enough; his head on your thighs as he tried and failed to focus on the movie he'd picked out. Soon enough, he gave up, rolling over on his stomach so he could kiss the sensitive flesh of your inner thighs. After a rocky start to your night, Aaron was going to make sure the remainder of the evening was spent making you happy.

"I love you—so fucking much," he breathed, his mouth hovering directly above your center, nothing but a tiny piece of fabric in the way.

"I love you, Aaron. Always," you promised him as his hands crept upward to pull your panties down. Aaron took a deep breath as he spread you open, eyes darting between you and your dripping core. He ran a teasing finger through your slick before settling on your clit, rubbing small, precise circles over your bundle of nerves. He always knew exactly how to touch you, driving you mad as soon as his hands were on your body.

"Yes baby," you panted, so Aaron sped up a little, his lips curling into a grin as you shook, your legs wiggling with a mind of their own. Aaron yanked his shirt over his head and disappeared between your thighs, sucking your clit between his lips, causing your back to arch immediately. Aaron's tongue was relentless against you, the orgasms becoming more powerful as time passed by. Aaron loved seeing you like this, your eyes glassy, lips pouty and swollen as you stared down at him.

Aaron would never get tired of pleasuring you—it was something that he quite literally ached to do. His mind ran rampant with thoughts of how he could fuck you, new things he could try with his tongue to keep you satisfied. He wasn't typically the kind of man to try new things, but late at night when he was away from you, he'd browse the internet for things that he'd never expected to enjoy, making a mental list of things he could introduce to you.

Aaron's mouth worked tirelessly against you, and soon enough he was coating his finger in your arousal so he could slip it into you, curling it perfectly against your sweet spot. You saw stars as his finger pumped into you and his tongue swirled around your clit, your hands falling to his hair out of reflex. He whimpered as you tugged lightly at his hair, so you peered down to make sure what you'd done was okay. You hadn't expected him to be looking back at you, his cheeks tinted red, his lips glistening in the lamp light.

"Do that again," he hissed, so you pulled a little bit harder and he nodded, licking his lips before he reattached them to your core. He was always so content between your legs; you could only lay back and enjoy him in all of his perfection, baffled that you had such an attentive, loving man.

Aaron had lost count of how many times you'd came on his tongue; he wasn't sure any amount would ever be enough to satisfy his hunger for you. He'd been busy so long that when he glanced to his left, he noticed the sky changing from a dusky purple to a kaleidoscope of pinks and oranges. He chuckled lowly as he came up on his knees, nodding to the window so you could see too.

"I want to be inside of you as the sun comes up," he whispered, taking his time pressing into you. He was always so patient with you, giving you plenty of time to adjust to his massive member—you'd never get used to the way he felt when he first slid into you. His hand found yours as he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to your lips as his hips began to move. You were finally to the point that there wasn't a single moment of being uncomfortable anymore—it was all pleasure now. You were amazed how he could always make you feel like you were on top of the world; it was a feeling you never expected to go away.

"You're perfect, baby. You make me feel complete," he told you before his lips connected with yours, possessive but so tender—it made your heart swell ten sizes.

"I hope you stay forever," you said through clenched teeth as you found your high, Aaron's lips pressing kisses along your neck and jaw as he fucked you through your orgasm. You could tell by the way his pace had quickened slightly that he was close, seconds away from his own release. You held his face in your hands, making sure he was looking right at you.

"Fill me up, Aaron, please," you begged, and Aaron came with a shudder as soon as the words left your mouth. Your sensual words were music to his ears, and he hoped the more time you spent being intimate together, the more open you'd be. You were still getting the hang of things now, trying to figure out what you liked, what felt good. Aaron was glad that it was him to be able to help you through it all.

The sun crept over the horizon just as he slid out of you and got you cleaned up. For a moment he just stood and watched until you wrapped your arms around his waist from behind, kissing the middle of his back.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" You said, admiring the colors of the morning sky, something you usually missed because you were asleep.

"It is. I'm glad I got to see it with you," he turned to kiss you, letting you wrap up in the covers before he came to join you. He knew he'd be exhausted later, that the two of you would have a hard time sleeping now that the sun was out, but he didn't regret a minute of it, not when you were by his side for it.

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[3motionally3xhausted]

More Ouran redesigns!

Below the cut, listen to me ramble about the art choices I made in the redesigns, please. (Honey, Yasuchika, Kasanoda, Renge)

+A little sketch of Haruhi & Tamaki 😊

I redid Honey's because I was so unhappy with the first version, but I like this one a LOT more. He kinds of looks like an idol, but I'm not mad at it lol

The main thing I don't like about the canon design of Honey is that he looks like a literal child (wow new idea alert) and somehow in my first redesign I didn't get rid of that problem?? And I just didn't like the way that one turned out art-wise.

So! This time, I made his face a lot less round and decided to give him shorter hair in a more natural/ash blonde color. Instead of going full l*lita, I was aiming more for "soft boy" & I spent a good minute just coloring his eyes so they look pretty magical (or a bit creepy, I can't tell lol) but I wanted him to have long pretty lashes. Also, I added a little scar on the bridge of his nose to hint at his hidden violent side

(That shirt is entirely improvised lmao)

Anyway, Yasuchika!

I always felt kind of bad for him (for that one episode that he appeared lol), so I wanted to lean into the fact that he's kinda bitter Honey left the Judo club but still admires him a lot.

I had to remember what he looked like first, but I actually really like his design in the manga so its practically the same lol. The hair is slightly different though. And, it's subtle, but his hair is bleached here as a tiny nod that he wants to be more like his brother, though he didn't go full blonde. And since their hair and eyes are different, I now headcanon that they have different moms, because I can and it tugs at my heartstrings for some reason.

Now, Kasadona's and Renge's were done kind of a while ago, so the art is marginally worse imo, but anyway

Onto Kasanoda!

Another character that I always loved and felt sad about! This time he has two episodes, I think.

Since it's important to his character, I had to keep him looking scary, but that doesn't mean I couldn't make him look sad too! I love aiming for subtle expressions lol, I remember this one was really fun.

I can't tell you why I made his hair wavy/curly, I just wanted that, but those little shaved bits at the corners of his hairline were very intentional; it's meant to kind of mimic devil horns just to solidify that he's seen as kind of evil and whatever. And his eyes! I think that blizzard nickname/reputation (i can't remember) is really unique, so it exaggerates his cold glare.

(Trying to avoid saying 'kind of' so much, jeez)

Last up, Renge!

She also kind of looks like an idol, mostly 'cause of the pose and little sparkle, though. And oddly enough, I really didn't like her when I was originally watching the show (thought she was annoying lol) but I kind of adore her now because..

This girl is a nerd, she's silly, she's a cosplayer, a complete madwoman, and girl boss! (Character-wise, I only really take issue with the 'fuj*shi' 'y*oi stan' part, so that's cut for my version) But I really wanted to show that more fun, adventurous part of her, so she has pink dye on the underside, with her hair pulled into this big red bow.

I don't have many thoughts on her past what I already said, she just deserves to be cute and have fun. But I do think she should be in on the secret that Haruhi's a girl, and they should be good friends, the show is just lacking in girl friendships. (Excluding the Zuka club, they're full on lesbians and the show portrayed them so weirdly imo.)

(***I only censored some words cuz I don't want anything to end up in my feed lol)

[optiwashere]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @amorficzna last week to share whatever I'm working on. I'll tag... @siyurikspakvariisis and @grousebrood if y'all have anything you're willing to share! Anyone that sees this and feels like doing it can consider themselves tagged by me.

I don't have a WIP I can share prose-wise, so instead here's a wall of Asheera character notes! My love and light, my weirdo who likes objectively bad poetry.

This is basically written to be notes for me, so it's like a behind the scenes more than anything. Also, the second chunk of this relates to a post I made last week, so CW: Character death.

Asheera's age as of BG3: 32 (33? She was 35 in old notes last I checked, but that was 14th century DR and for a 3.5e game so her age is kinda up in the air at this point)

Height: 6'7" (~201cm)

Weight: around 260lbs. (~118kg)

Eye color: Brown (described as ruddy brown, like darker red clay)

Hair color: Black with faint blue streaks (not dyed, a fun lil extra happenstance from her Gondian transition)

Dialogue snippets from Asheera when talking to others about Shadowheart:

To Zevlor. "Do you remember what it was like to take your oath? How you felt suddenly right, and whole, and everything made sense? Don't get all puppy eyes at me about it, but yeah... it's like that with her." (author's note: from Zevlor's perspective, Asheera is explaining a relationship in a way that finally makes sense to him. She should be speaking slowly, as if to savor the words.)

To Aylin. "Oh, she's stolen her fair share of things, perhaps killed a person or two in the name of her former Dark Lady, but aren't we all monsters in our own way? A little redemption never hurt." (author's note: Asheera is an Oath of Redemption paladin in canon but in-game I couldn't pick it; she is explaining to Aylin how their relationship ever started. Asheera is trying to joke, badly, and it doesn't really work on Aylin. Probably followed by Aylin trying to rationalize all her evil deeds as necessary to find Selûne.)

To Isobel. "Is she devout? Eh, that's a question for her. I know she keeps little trinkets of the Moonmaiden around. I've made some for her, too. But if you're expecting her to join you in prayer or something, I'd temper that." (author's note: Isobel is excited to hear about Shadowheart's Selûnite worship. She is decidedly less excited after this conversation. Asheera finds this hilarious, and Isobel probably chides her for it.)

To Rolan. "No, listen. She didn't steal your books. Why would she want them? It's all magic gobbledygook anyways, what use would she have for them?" [back and forth] "And? I love her, but I wouldn't just lie to your face about her. I've an oath to uphold." (author's note: someone stole books from Sorcerous Sundries, and Rolan is somehow convinced it was Shadowheart. He trusts Asheera, but still thinks she's lying.)

To Gale. "I can't believe you haven't had Shadowheart over for dinner yet, especially since I was already coming." [Gale explains he has, but Tara was unhappy afterwards and it's been a whole thing.] "Oh? Didn't Tara like her? And why didn't she tell me she was here?" [Gale, after rambling for a long while on the meal he cooked for them all, explains that Shadowheart called Tara a cat. Not once, but twice. The second was accidental.] "Oh. Oh, I see. Yeah, no. That makes sense. Gods, I can't wait to ask her about tressyms when I get home." (author's note: Asheera should be just about bouncing on her seat with this information. Razzing a supposed once-master Sharran spy for social faux pas is way too much fun.)

To Astarion. "I wish she'd join us for these chats. I know she misses you terribly, even if she won't admit it." [Astarion makes a snide remark about how he doesn't miss Shadowheart.] "Whatever you say, but I'll remember that next time you ask how she's doing." (author's note: apparently Astarion and Asheera hang out often? Again, Asheera is an Oath of Redemption paladin, so redeeming a vampire spawn is like crack for her.)

To Karlach, should they ever meet again. "OK, OK. You're crushing me." [Karlach finally lets go of Asheera after a bone-breaking hug.] "She's coming, the whole ritual exhausted her and she needed a rest while you two came back." [Karlach razzes Asheera hardcore about her "tiring out" Shadowheart.] "I did learn that magic circles require all sorts of interesting components..." (author's note: this would be whatever the fuck would lead to Karlach and Wyll being pulled back from the Hells to have a normal, happy existence on the Material Plane.)

To Wyll, same as Karlach. "I wouldn't worry about Shadowheart." [Wyll says something to the tune of stinking like the Hells because of all the time he's spent fighting alongside Karlach.] "Seriously, I don't think Selûne is going to demand she pester you about it. She's not Isobel Thorm. Let's go celebrate, you've nothing to fret over! Seriously." (author's note: essentially, Wyll is even more worried about losing himself similarly to how he talks about not feeling like he can be the heroic figure he wants to be as in-game. If it's from his POV, he doesn't believe Asheera. He goes with her to celebrate with Karlach and Shadowheart, but he should be distant and withdrawn.)

To Lae'zel, same as the last two. N/A (author's note: they wouldn't talk about Shadowheart. Asheera & Lae'zel are on respectful terms, not friendly ones. Pretty much they'd only talk about how beating Vlaakith's ass is going. Fuck the Lich-Queen.)

Age of death: 94; extended lifespan due to the way Gond "rebuilt" her for her divine transition/gender affirmation. (I headcanon Shadowheart as early fifties, so she would be early 110s when this happens)

Dialogue snippets from Shadowheart after Asheera passes. A lot of this is melodramatic because I love melodrama:

“I lived fifty years without her before, I can manage it again.” (author’s note: she is lying poorly to whoever she’s speaking to with this line. Anyone remotely insightful should see this.)

“Sixty good years. Sixty-one and eleven months we had, when some have a fraction of that or never find it whatsoever. If ever there was a woman that could make those years feel effortless, it was her. But now it’s only the road and the care of strangers and their pets and livestock for me. It’s a quiet life, and I like it.” (author’s note: Shadowheart seems to lose herself, fall into herself when she’s talking about how long they were together. Logical brain trying to hide her broken heart. Whoever is hearing this should realize that Shadowheart has those years practically memorized. Memories are so important to someone who didn't use to have them before. When she speaks about her current life, she does seem content if cold. It’s different, and she is alone, but she’s happy with doing good, simple work. Pressing the matter of loneliness will just make her annoyed/angry/generally upset.)

“It was the thirteenth day of Eleint, 1554 by... by Dale Reckoning when she left me. No, that’s wrong. She didn’t leave me. That was the day she was taken from me. I couldn’t move her until the nineteenth, and I slept almost not at all. She’s buried near the sea, by where we lived together. I thought she'd want to be by her parents, but no. She wanted what she wanted, and I couldn't deny her anything. Ever. I visit whenever I pass by. I'm due for a visit with her youngest brother.” (author’s note: Shadowheart is clearly broken by this, but she must soldier on regardless. Wistful. Listener/reader gets the sense that Shadowheart always "just so happens to" pass by. Whoever is hearing this dialogue cannot comfort her at all about this, and trying to do so will make her very angry. She's been through this for decades by this point, she can't go through it again.)

If I were to tag this like a fic, it would have the "Angst with Happy Ending" tag. Interpret that however you wish until I make a fic about this.

[sedgewick-gayble]

Okay, so, here's my idea/theory/whatever you wanna call it: What if Fish only really started dating his girlfriend as a way to distract himself from the fact that he was attracted to men/Wes.

Hear me out, I'm not saying he's not Bi or that he's not at least somewhat attracted to women. What I'm saying is, what if he started to realise that he was also attracted to men, so as a way to hide/deny this, he started dating someone he didn't really have feelings for/someone who didn't really have feelings for him.

From the very limited we've seen (or rather, what we've heard) about Fish's girlfriend, we know at least two things; 1) She likes to be taken out on weekend nights and gets upset when she's not, and 2) She apparently "settled" for Fish's face. Now, this is incredibly limited information, but I think we can garner at least a little bit from it.

In relation to 1, it's less about the girlfriend's reaction to not being taken out and more about Fish's reaction to how she feels. "My girl's already upset I can't take her out weekend nights." That doesn't really make it sound like Fish was looking forward to taking her out or that hes also upset about it, more that he's just upset he has to deal with her being unhappy about it.

In relation to 2, there's at least two points where we can kinda judge her feelings for/thoughts about Fish, namely "She's gonna dust off when she sees my face." And "She settled for my face. Now it's worse." This kinda feels like it's hinting that Fish's girlfriend is with him less because she likes who he is as a person and more for superficial reasons. We know these reasons are not his looks because she "settled" for them, and rather than be concerned that Fish got injured, is gonna be more upset that his face is "worse." If I had to guess, maybe his social standing?

Maybe she was the kinda girl who wanted to date a tough guy in a gang and she just settled for Fish cause she figured that, even if she didn't consider him attractive, he was still a tough gang member, only to realise later on that Fish's line of work meant he couldn't take her out when she wanted to go out. Or hell, maybe she got involved for the same reason Fish did; to hide a part of her that she knew wouldn't be socially accepted, and to give off the outward appearance of being "normal".

Another point/idea I had is based on something you mentioned. That being, the fact that Fish is more willing to be open sexually around men than women. Like you said, Fish is possibly very vanilla with women outside of very basic things, possibly repressing or hiding a lot of the parts of himself that he thinks women would find undesirable, both sexually as well as just basic parts of who he is. But with men, specifically Wes, he'd probably be more willing to let those parts be seen.

I'm not saying Fish's girlfriend is awful or a bitch, or even that Fish doesnt actually like her. I think he does care for her, and that's why he doesn't talk about her within the gang to keep her safe, thus why Wes only knows her as "The Mystery Girl."

I'm just saying that, by the sounds of it, she seems to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons, just like Fish.

So i feel like this be true in the sense of his relationship being a bearded relationship (something meant to distract the people around him from his queerness (also think this was what mitzi and atlas's marriage was but UNRELATED)) as well as it being a partnership that he's gotten himself into as nothing more than a last ditch attempt to convince himself that he's straight and, at the least, give him something romantic and sexual to focus on that wasnt his festering yearning for his work partner

From what i can tell from the very limited information i have, both him and his girlfriend aren't toxic in the way that they're hurting eachother, or even really dislike eachother, but they're both in it for more superficial reasons and a want to achieve a fantasy (fishs being a normal, heteronormative life, and his gfs likely being getting to date the cool dangerous gang member, as you said)

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Romantic Snippet Tag

taking an open tag from @oh-no-another-idea! I need as many distractions as I can get and I think this'll be a good one

I'll be tagging @ashen-crest, @zmwrites, @drippingmoon, @drabbleitout, @pertinax--loculos, @sleepy-night-child, @druidx, and literally everyone and anyone else who sees this 👍🏽

I've posted so many romantic moments between Warren and Thrive...and here's another one lmao. and I've posted parts of this before but never the whole scene so voilà

From Thriving: Meridian—

"I don't know how I feel about all the strangers on my ship."

The Setae'togun had been assigned to Warren when he was working for the Consortium; a relic from the days when he still fought a war that ended when ———. He used it more often than not to get from place to place, but there was a time it harbored a whole crew under his command.

Thrive sighed, standing in the door separating the commander's quarters from the bathroom. "They're not strangers, Warren, they've been my security detail for the past fifteen years."

Warren swiveled in his chair at the desk by the main door, steepling his fingers under his chin. "You understand why I'm unhappy they're here, right? With them here, there will be even less space to keep refugees. The fewer the refugees, the less likely we'll be able to smuggle everyone to Tournaltis' moons."

Thrive arched an eyebrow. "You're explaining my own concerns to me?"

"I'm not saying we ditch them on Efthim, but we can't bring them back with us."

"They're incredibly hard to lose."

"How many times have you tried?"

"How much time do you have?"

"Ooh." Warren pushed himself to standing and sidled up to Thrive, rubbing his palms together. "This is the plan...we pack as many of Efthim's people as we can onto this ship, say 'oops, looks like there's just not enough room, sorry,' then toss your sentries onto a passing cargo ship getting the hell outta dodge, provided they don't all succumb to the supernova first."

Thrive regarded him with surprise and amusement. "Dark. Even for you."

Warren shrugged. "How many times have they actually done something you weren't fully capable of doing nor had you not actually done yourself? Tell me this—who would win a round of hand-to-hand combat? The lady who'd mastered five different types of martial arts and spent thirteen years in the Marines, or fuckin' you?"

"There was a time her accolades would've impressed you," Thrive said, a smile threatening to break through an otherwise well-maintained air of concern.

"And how would you know that? I haven't been impressed with literally anything else since I met you."

"Qrihk."

Warren blinked. "Gesundheit."

Thrive shook his head, leaning into the door frame. "The people of Efthim are called the qrihk."

"Ah-ha…" Warren angled his head to the side and eyed him up and down before fluttering his eyelashes at him. "You wanna tell me about 'em?"

"I see through your scheme."

"My dearest love. Whatever do you mean?"

"I know what happens when I start prattling on about a subject." Thrive reached over to grip Warren's chin in the cup of his hand, fingers squeezing to force his lips into a pucker. "To be more precise, I know what happens to you."

A laugh nearly exploded out of Warren, but he fought the giggles bubbling up his throat. "I am disgusted and offended at the implication," he said as well as he could with half of his face squished together.

"You're also a deviant," said Thrive, exhausted voice lowered and much smokier than usual, which did not help matters in the least. "Vacate the room."

"It's my ship." Warren cleared his throat. "But marriage is about sharing, after all. You know what, I'm kinda hungry anyway, I might bother the cook for a couple hours—"

Thrive tipped Warren's face downward to plant a kiss on his forehead. "Goodnight, Warren," he murmured before releasing him and pushing him gently in the direction of the door.

[initiumseries]

How come you skipped TO but ended up watching Legacies? also, would you give us a breakdown of what you didn't like ab the witcher? x

Ah okay, so we only watched bits of TO for drunk reviews and one episode of Legacies for a drunk review. I said Legacies was one of the worst shows I've ever watched because it was significantly worse than TO which I thought was remarkable and the only reason TO isn't on the list.

SO. WITCHER. Okay. I'm not sure how much of a breakdown this is going to be because the show honestly just lacked substance and clarity. I think the problem with a lot of shows, mostly on Netflix, is there's no direction, there's zero character development, and the plot is driving the story so hard, there's zero investment into the characters. The Witcher was like, strangely, we spend SO much time with these characters, but the time we spend with them doesn't....mean anything? Half the time I don't even know where we are in the fucking timeline, which is ANOTHER thing, like it was such a remarkably stupid choice to just...never tell the audience what year it was, where we were in the story, so the character relationships were meaningless because we never got to see them develop in an organic, linear, meaningful way, it was just...nonsense. Then the law of surprise is...here's a kid? Why? What's...??? WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS UNIVERSE?

There are general story rules that we have for a reason, and while I'm always interested in writers who *successfully* subvert those rules, or who play with them in interesting ways, the important part is it has to be successful. Witcher failed to follow the rules and failed to make it successful, because most of people's takeaway from season 1 was that stupid bard's song and WHAT PART OF THE TIMELINE ARE WE IN??? That's...not good.

Then onto season 2, I think, the part that frustrated me the most, was Yennefer. Two things, I think the barren witch trope is played out in regular dramas, and it's ESPECIALLY tired in period pieces, so it's like triply exhausting in fantasy period pieces? I just think a woman whose entire world revolves around childbirth so it's the ONE THING SHE CAN'T DO is unremarkably sexist and deeply boring. And that's like...Yennefer's whole character. And I find it especially unsympathetic because she made that choice herself, so she could always be hot or whatever. Then she spends all this season being bitter and pissed off she can't have kids, and blaming everyone but herself when she made that decision. She didn't HAVE to make that decision, no one held a gun to her head, they even asked if she was sure. So suck it up buttercup. The whole subplot of the elves, I just did NOT care about, then that girl, the blonde one, was annoying as hell...like there was just so much not interesting about the show? I never understood what was happening or why, Geralt just glared around and mumbled, that girl was annoying...I won't even get INTO the Black elves, but the people I'm supposed to care about, I know nothing about and don't care what happens to them because the show never bothered to make sure I was invested. So there's this distance between me, and what I'm watching, it's not immersive, it's not engaging, it's not keeping me watching, it's just an annoying thing that's on that I can't wait to be over. And then when it WAS over, I was like....that's it? That's all there was? Unremarkable.

I know there's been a lot of discussion about Henry Caville being unhappy with the writing, and how they've deviated so much from the source material, and seem to lack respect for the source material (not unbelievable), and that kinda underscores for me that this show is just...high budget directionless nonsense.

[iwanttoholdon]

17.12.2024

Ok, new year new me whatever. I'm not in the mood of it at all. I am not that hopeful anymore. I am not that optimistic about things anymore. And it is not even in a sad way, I am not bitter about it. It's just that I don't care anymore. I can't care much. If I am sad or not. If good things will happen to me or not. If I will ever be able to get what I want or not. To simply put it, I am not interested in anymore. I guess not interested in my future, life or what am I doing with it. I surrounded to my sadness this time. I am too tired and weak to fight. And honestly I don't and I can't see the point of trying and fighting anymore. It all leads the same. I find myself in the same hole every fucking time. My sadness consumes and overcomes me every fucking time and if not- it comes back. So I am like what is the point. I can't see the point of anything. This sadness swallows me whole and eats me alive. Nothing fucking works, I don't have a will to do any fucking thing. I can't talk to no one. No one understands and nothing helps. I am surrounded and accepted it and kinda found peace with it. It is a secret I carry in my heart and it is a heavy one. I can't share it, I can't talk about it. I am ashamed of it. Not really ashamed but it is not something that I want people to know about me. Because it feels too vulnerable to bear and too risky. I am at an age that now I know people use these type of things against you. I wish I wasn't like this. It makes me so sad and I know there is no way out of it. I wish there was a way and I wish people would understand at least how hard it is. How unhappy I am all the time. How I can't be happy at all. How I am always sad and there is not a reason I could tell them to make up for it. How I have to pretend every laugh, how I never have fun. How my mind never stops. How I am poisoned by the constant thoughts. How tiring it is. The mood swings. Leaves me drained. The anxiety, the depression makes my life so hard. Makes it too fucking hard to work, socialize, sit and have a coffee. I can't sit still. I can't be with people and I can't be alone. My mind never stops. I wish it did give me break to enjoy my moments. Moments I know I will never fucking get back. Moments I know I will regret missing. The pills don't work. The exercise, eat healthy, socialize don't work. On top of that my hobies feel like chores. I can't read, I can't write, I can't watch anything. I can't eat and I can't sleep. The moments which I should be happy in, I am never happy and I can't be happy. I can't enjoy anything even though I know I should and even though I try.

I started thinking about it again. It is the only time I feel peaceful. This is a battle and I am fucking losing.

I let go of the control which should be a good thing according to my therapist. But it feels like I let go of my desires, my pursuits. There is nothing I want or desire anymore. It just feels like I live day to day and just do things I am spoused to do. While watching people around me simply be happy. While I am over here have to pretend like a clown. To wonder for the millionth time, why can't I be like them?

The tunnel is darker than ever.

[shadie-dealing]

This was from just after I moved into Aunt Parl's house:

She gave me half the attic. It sounds like a LOT more than it is. Cousin Lilly has the other half, and you can't even stand up straight in here. I've got a foam mattress on the floor, and a night stand. Lily out up a blanket curtain.... She's mad. This was her "OWN ROOM", and my being here had screwed that up for her.

Cousin Birch (don't call him bitch, he's twice my size), had to share with Rowan. Birch is 15, Rowan's only 8. Lily used to have to share the other kid's room with her sisters, Rose and Daisy...

God my family sucks at names!!!!!

What even IS Jessamy... You saying Jasmine and got a stutter? Whatever. Everyone calls me Shade anyway, cuz of my skin and my name. Kinda funny, that being Momma's last name, but only half'a mine. She never did explain all that, and Aunt Pearl clams up like a professional spy if you being it up.

I don't think anyone but Momma could make her say... Or.. geezuss... maybe Momma told her never to tell. That gives me goose bumps in bad ways. Momma was good to me, but it's scary to think about what she could have done. The world doesn't know how lucky it is she's a good guy...

Pearl and Ron are fighting. I haven't been here very long, but I think this might be kinda... Geeze. Note to self: WEAR SHOES. Otherwise gonna be picking glass outta ma feet later. Anyway. I think they fight a lot. That's sad. The cousins are all grumpy and scared all the time... Why would Momma bring me here?!?!

I gotta sleep. I start at the cousins' school tomorrow. I'm scared to go. The cousins aren't nice. I know it's cuz they're unhappy, but they don't have to be mean to me. I'm scared the other kids are gonna be mean. I got my gloves, long sleeved shirt, hoody, jeans, boots, I even got a face mask, like I'm worried about gems or something. With my hair and hood maybe kids won't notice so much. The wings and tail I can kinda keep low key, but it's hard. Not comfortable. Ugh.

Like, I'm still grateful for Mom not letting them chop me up... But I also kind of wish I didn't have them sometimes.

[starkeyvhs]

reading the warnings and reading hurt no comfort I WON LETS DO THIS (my review's long so it's under the cut!)

“You both have to go at the same time?” Rafe asks, brows pinched slightly as he glances between the two of you, crystal blues lingering on you. John B discreetly nods in agreement. 

now how do we explain to men that women don't go to washrooms alone like ever???? universal rule duh

Sarah stares at you - eyes narrowed. “This is your future,” She points at you. “Rafe…he loves you,” She nods, face softening. “And he wants the best for you. He’ll understand. But the longer you wait to tell him…” She trails off, lips pressing into a tight line. 

I have a feeling she's entirely wrong 😀 but NO NO WAY IN HECK AM I PUTTING A BOY ABOVE MY CAREER AND STUDIES (atleast that's what I think y/n's leaving for lol)

You nod and follow her back to the table, sitting back down next to Rafe. His arm slings around the back of your chair within a matter of seconds and you lean into the touch, goosebumps raising slightly from where the tips of his fingers trace across your arm. 

the little touches make me go crazy BUT I'm averting from the main agenda this is angst ANGST ANGST

You’ve always wanted to go to college - prove and make something of yourself and not end up like another woman on Kildare Island who marries for money and then stays in an unhappy relationship with a man who could care less if she even went missing. 

REAL

You shiver when you step outside. “Dude is so weird,” Rafe mumbles, shaking his head as he pulls open the door for you. “Didn’t even talk the whole time you and Sarah were in the bathroom.” 

NO BUT a universe where rafe and Sarah are on good terms and the double dates IS SO SO UNIQUE I LOVE IT I truly haven't read this one before

Jogging back up the steps, you smile and kick your door shut gently. “Did you find a—” You stop when you see Rafe closer than expected, standing by your desk with an envelope in his hand. 

OH FARK

“What plan? The one where we stay here while you work and I stay home and do the same thing over and over everyday? Have a kid or two?” Your eyes now lift to look at him. 

OKAY LET ME PITCH IN 🗣️🗣️ firstly, I love reader wanting to go to university to study and all and make a future for herself BUT rafe can't be entirely blamed because she should've told him she's applying, it's unfair to him, even when she knows it's not what he's planning, she should've, and I get her idea too BUT still!!! should've told

It doesn’t. He’s been more angry - even at the littlest things. He looks more drained, tired. He doesn’t enjoy it, but if it gets his fathers praise or attention, he’ll do it. 

UGH FUCK WARD

“I do…I do so badly, Rafe,” You whisper, hands lifting to cup his cheeks. The tears roll down his cheeks now. He rarely ever cries. “But I also don’t want a life like my mom and dad,” Your thumbs push away at the tears. 

RAFE CRYING I CANT PHYSICALLY DO THIS

“You want to go to college to…prove yourself or whatever,” He waves his hand in the air. “But…you’re telling me I’m working for my dad because I want to get his praise or attention.” 

OH- this is escalating LET ME GRAB MY POPCORN

“It’s not any different,” His voice raises slightly, your mouth quickly shutting and eyes darting away as your arms cross over your chest. “We both want to prove ourselves to our parents and whoever else has doubted what we could do,” It feels weird to Rafe to admit that out loud. 

YO WAIT YO- WHY HE KINDA RIGHT-

He stares at you quietly. “We could actually live together. Come down every two or three weeks to visit friends and whoever else,” Your smile would usually be contagious - now it just makes him angry. Your touch is making it feel as if you’re burning him. 

YALL NO

“Is this about me or your dad? Do you not remember when you used to come here just because he would kick you out for weeks before even letting you come back home?” Your own voice begins to raise. “Do you seriously trust him enough to work with him or is it just for the money that he is able to provide?” 

THESE ARE SOME MATURE PEOPLE IF I WAS THE ONE I'D BE CRYING AND BLABBING SHIT IDUNNO

It’s like he’s trying to convince himself that he would still have that perfect life when you decide to leave everything behind - leave him behind. 

RAFE NO THAT'S NOT TRUE GET ON UR KNEES AND APOLOGISE TO HER PLSSSSSS DONT DO THIS TO US THINK ABOUT ME MY HEART'S BREAKING HERE

“Money.” 

O hell naw

He steps out of your room, slamming the door behind himself. You stand there, staring at the closed door waiting for the moment he steps back in, laughing in your face about how he got you and you’d punch him in the arm. The night would continue with a movie and sour gummy worms. 

OH I WISH

She stares at you quietly. “Uh,” She shifts. She thought Rafe might’ve told you - she thought wrong. “He applied last year. He was so excited when he got the letter. He had me open it because he was so nervous,”

YO WHAT

Thinking back, you remember one time when Rafe had come to your home closer to his graduation. He seemed more sad than what he usually did. When he stepped in, he mumbled some excuse about Rose wanting him out. 

ahh my baby :(

Your heart breaks but it’s something you’ve grown used to over the four months away from Rafe. Quickly dropping your phone, you look over when the door opens. 

FOUR MONTHS OH MY POOR HEART

That’s the first time you’ve ever felt as if he was proud of you. 

oh huh 😀 so we all got a dad who's not extremely vocal about how he feels bout his children huh 😀

She circles around and grabs your biceps softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there the most when you needed me,” Your eyes begin to sting. “When you were older. I should’ve stuck up more for you and been there. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

OH MY POOR HEART PT TWO

“Make good choices and study.” He reminds you. You pull away and stare at him, grinning. 

I LOVE POPE

He nods and steps away. You smile at Sarah and hug her tightly, feeling her fingers grip at the material of your shirt. “I’m sorry he didn’t come. I tried.” She whispers. 

PLEASE TELL ME HE'S GONNA COME AND WE GONNA HAVE THIS SUPER ANGSTY MOMENT

Rafe pauses as he watches your car make a quick left, disappearing from his view. Rubbing at his face, he looks over at the packed bags in his passenger seat. 

RAFE FUCK U YOU CHICKEN

Sitting on the edge of your bed, he smiles to himself softly. It did feel strange sitting in your room, without you. 

IM GONNA CRY WHY IS HE SUCH A CHIKCEN GAHHJHHHHH

Close enough that you knew him better than he knew himself. 

GUYS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

That smelled of home.

GOSH AHHHHHH IM A MESS OF EMOSHIONSSSASS

this was so so good and so so delicious!!!! the writing was nothing short of impeccable and I ate up all of it AHH I WAS FED SO GOOD TODAY 🥹🥹💕💕💕💕 there are so many feelings and so much angst ITS SO GOOD!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEED IT

— YOU WERE THE BEST, BUT YOU WERE THE WORST. | ex-boyfriend!r. cameron x reader

warnings; this is not canon to ‘outer banks’! this will definitely be a slight ooc rafe, slight fluff (short lived, i’m so sorry), hurt, no comfort </3, angst this is so long i apologize.

an; starting off my exbf!rafe masterlist RIGHT (hopefully, maybe) with this piece. honestly don’t know where the plot came from </3 i was thinking of what to right and was listening to ‘i love you, im sorry’ and it popped up in my head thankfully. feel free to leave requests for rafe/ex!rafe as well! but again — i am only on the second season sadly (soon i’ll be on the third! i’m just bad about watching shows). so any rafe requests will pertain to s1 & s2 as of right now! okay, i am done ranting - apologies </3

Double date night - something that you rarely look forward to, even if it’s just once every four months. Especially since it’s still slightly awkward between John B and Rafe, though, you don’t mind the boy. And you love spending time with Sarah. 

Sarah glances at you from the other side of the table, lifting her brows slightly. “We’ll be right back.” She stands from her chair, holding her hand out towards yours. You take her hand, standing with a small smile. 

“You both have to go at the same time?” Rafe asks, brows pinched slightly as he glances between the two of you, crystal blues lingering on you. John B discreetly nods in agreement. 

“Yes,” Sarah answers before you could say anything. “You wouldn’t understand. We’ll be back in five,” She pulls you with her but stops and turns once again. “Try not killing one another while we’re gone.” Her eyes stay on Rafe longer than John B. 

“Mhm.” He waves his hand, slumping back into his chair slightly. Sarah grins and pulls you towards the bathroom once again, stepping inside. 

“So?” She drops your hand. You turn towards her. “Did you open it?” 

“No,” You shake your head quickly. “I don’t…” Sighing, your shoulders drop. “I don’t know how to tell Rafe I even sent in an application,” Sarah’s smile slowly fades and her head tilts slightly. 

“He thinks I agreed on staying here with him while Ward is giving him more opportunities. After a year,” You lean against the sink. “I don’t know if he’ll be happy about it. Especially with it being so far.” 

“It’s a six hour drive,” Sarah deadpans. You stare down at the ground. Sure, it wasn’t that far. But you’d truly be homesick. She leans next to you. “Who knows, he might go with you.” 

“Yeah, right,” You scoff. “His home is here. He’s made that clear already, Sarah. Besides, I don’t even know if I’m going to go.” 

Sarah stares at you - eyes narrowed. “This is your future,” She points at you. “Rafe…he loves you,” She nods, face softening. “And he wants the best for you. He’ll understand. But the longer you wait to tell him…” She trails off, lips pressing into a tight line. 

You sigh and nod. Rafe will be, well, angry - even if the anger would be unnecessary. “I’ll talk to him,” You nod. “But, it’ll only be just a…hypothetical question I’ll ask.” 

Sarah groans slightly, shaking her head. “Insufferable, I tell you,” She mutters, pushing her hair back. “Alright, let’s get back out there so they’re not alone much longer.” 

You nod and follow her back to the table, sitting back down next to Rafe. His arm slings around the back of your chair within a matter of seconds and you lean into the touch, goosebumps raising slightly from where the tips of his fingers trace across your arm. 

Fumbling with your fingers on your lap, you’re unaware of how zoned out you are. 

You’ve always wanted to go to college - prove and make something of yourself and not end up like another woman on Kildare Island who marries for money and then stays in an unhappy relationship with a man who could care less if she even went missing. 

Your mother and father as an example. 

You’re not unhappy with Rafe, and you also know he’d do anything for you if you asked him - the food on his plate, the shirt off his back, anything. 

But, again, this is a chance to prove yourself - especially after many demeaning comments made in passing by friends or family. They always burned even if you laughed them off, nodding in agreement, then cry yourself to sleep that night. 

University of Georgia. Sarah was right. It was only a six hour drive - you could come back on weekends and stay. Yet, you still weren't sure if you’d gotten in. The letter was on your desk, sealed, and waiting to be ripped open with anxious hands. 

“You okay?” You blink a couple of times, looking over to meet Rafe’s gaze, his face melted with slight worry. 

“Yeah,” You smile softly. Sarah watches quietly. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just tired.” You whisper softly. 

Rafe nods and takes that as his cue, reaching into his wallet. “Here’s our half,” He passes Sarah the cash. “I have work early in the morning, so we are gonna go ahead and head out.” 

Sarah nods and stands, pulling you into a hug as Rafe stands off to the side, waiting patiently, though his stance was awkward. “Text me.” She whispers. You only nod, pulling away. 

“Bye, John B.” You wave as Rafe’s arm wraps around your waist, pulling you towards the exit. John B waves with a soft smile. 

You shiver when you step outside. “Dude is so weird,” Rafe mumbles, shaking his head as he pulls open the door for you. “Didn’t even talk the whole time you and Sarah were in the bathroom.” 

You roll your eyes and look at him. “Did you even try talking to him?” 

His bottom lip pushes out slightly as he shakes his head. “Nope,” He shuts the door and you watch as he rounds the truck, getting into the driver's side, quickly starting the engine. “Seat-warmer? On or off?” 

“On, please,” You watch as his finger presses the button. “And how do you expect him to start a conversation when he doesn’t know what to talk about with you?” 

“He could’ve said or asked anything. I’m an open book - I’ll let you know if I want to talk about it or not.” 

You hum and nod, leaning your head back into the headrest as your eyes slowly close. 

“Hey,” Slowly opening your eyes, you peek over at him. “Are you okay? You seem…” He trails off, trying and thinking of a word that doesn't seem offensive. “off?” 

“Oh,” You nod, reaching your hand over to grab him. He grips softly three times. “Yeah. I’m okay.” 

Rafe stares at you quietly. He knows you’re lying but he’s not the type to push unless it truly affects him. You’ll come to him when you want to talk about whatever is on your mind. 

Nodding, he squeezes your hand back three times. A smile pulls at your lips as your eyes drop to your hands. 

—

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna go grab something to drink,” You step out of the bathroom, dressy clothes switched for one of Rafe’s shirts and some shorts - movie attire. “You want anything?” He shakes his head and puts his phone down on the nightstand. 

“I’m good.” 

Nodding, you walk down the steps, leaving Rafe alone in your room. You move quickly, grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator and a pack of gummy’s that were still in the bag from the quick grocery run you both had made earlier. 

Jogging back up the steps, you smile and kick your door shut gently. “Did you find a—” You stop when you see Rafe closer than expected, standing by your desk with an envelope in his hand. 

He holds it up. “What is this?” 

You shift, gulping quietly and averting your gaze but quickly look back. “Uhm…a letter.” 

“Yeah,” He scoffs, stepping closer. “I see that it’s a letter. When did you even apply?” 

You lift your right shoulder - a quick shrug, eyes now looking at the envelope he now holds rather than his face. “F…four months ago?” You wince, peeking up at him quickly before looking back down. “I was going to tell you—”

“Oh, you were?” 

“Yes,” You quickly nod. “Yes, I was. I haven’t even opened it. But even if I did get in, I don’t know if I’d truly go, Rafe. You’re overreacting.” 

“You never even told me you wanted to go to college,” He shakes his head, fingers itching to either crumble the letter or rip it. He was trying to hold it together. “We had a plan, remember?” 

“What plan? The one where we stay here while you work and I stay home and do the same thing over and over everyday? Have a kid or two?” Your eyes now lift to look at him. 

“Yes! That one,” He holds his arms out towards you. “The one we both agreed too.” 

“I never agreed to that. You made that plan yourself and just filled me in on it - never once asking what I wanted,” You scoff, pushing past him. “If you truly believed that’s what I wanted, you don’t know me at all.” 

“Then tell me what you actually want.” 

“I want a life!” You drop the stuff in your hands onto your mattress, turning towards him. “A life! One where…where I get a degree in something I enjoy! Or even own a little shop and sell…antiques or food or whatever,” 

“I don’t even know if I want kids, Rafe. I want…” You trail off, looking at him as you feel your eyes begin to sting. Don’t cry, don’t cry, do not cry. “I want someone who wants to…move, explore, do something that they want instead of listening to their parents because they think it’ll make them happy.” 

“You think I’m working there just to make my dad happy? You don’t think working there makes me happy?” 

It doesn’t. He’s been more angry - even at the littlest things. He looks more drained, tired. He doesn’t enjoy it, but if it gets his fathers praise or attention, he’ll do it. 

“No. I don’t,” You shake your head. You debated on even answering that question, but you notice how his expression changes slightly, the anger wavering. You step closer, staring up at him. “I know you aren’t happy, because I know you,” You place your hands on his chest softly. 

“I know you. But you don’t even know what I want.”

Rafe is silent now. You notice he’s grasping at straws to find something to say. Something to fight back with. You wait patiently, allowing him to conjure up something. 

“Me,” He lands on, brows slightly pinching together. You notice how tears line his waterline. “Me. You want me. A life with me.” 

“I do…I do so badly, Rafe,” You whisper, hands lifting to cup his cheeks. The tears roll down his cheeks now. He rarely ever cries. “But I also don’t want a life like my mom and dad,” Your thumbs push away at the tears. 

“I can’t have you getting upset or angry with me because I want to do something with my life,” You drop your chin slightly to follow his eyes when he looks away. “Georgia isn’t far away and you’re acting as if it is.” 

“That’s not…” His jaw clenches and he pulls away from your hold. You drop your hands by your side, watching as his eyes shut and he forcibly shakes his head quickly. “No. You’re being confusing. I’m not…I’m not angry or upset with this,” He holds up the letter. 

“I’m angry that you didn’t even want to talk to me about it.” 

“I have,” His head quickly turns to look at you. “I’ve told you so many times, Rafe, that I wanted to go. Because of how many times I’ve been told I’m not even smart enough to get into a school like that - that I’ll end up just like them.” 

“That’s being hypocritical, don’t you think?” 

Your face drops into confusion, head tilting. “What?” 

“You want to go to college to…prove yourself or whatever,” He waves his hand in the air. “But…you’re telling me I’m working for my dad because I want to get his praise or attention.” 

“That’s different—”

“It’s not any different,” His voice raises slightly, your mouth quickly shutting and eyes darting away as your arms cross over your chest. “We both want to prove ourselves to our parents and whoever else has doubted what we could do,” It feels weird to Rafe to admit that out loud. 

He looks down at the letter and holds it out towards you. Your eyes glance at him before his outstretched arm. “Open it.” 

Your eyes quickly look at him once again. Hesitantly, you reach out and pull the sealed letter from his grasp. Flipping it over, you try not to seem too desperate when ripping it open. The envelope falls to the ground as you unfold the paper, eyes darting over the words. 

Congratulations. 

Congratulations. 

A smile pulls at your lips, eyes looking up at Rafe who stands there, watching quietly. “I got in,” You whisper. He nods slightly and looks down at the paper that shakes slightly in your grasp. “I got in.” You voice a little louder, looking back at the letter. The tears that finally break loose and slide down your cheeks, drop onto the paper. 

“Congratulations.” Rafe nods. You quickly look back at him, placing the paper on your desk, stepping closer. 

“You could come with me,” You nod quickly, smiling softly as your hands cup his cheeks once again. “Yeah. You could come with me. We could get a small apartment close to the college - I wouldn’t have to live on campus,” 

He stares at you quietly. “We could actually live together. Come down every two or three weeks to visit friends and whoever else,” Your smile would usually be contagious - now it just makes him angry. Your touch is making it feel as if you’re burning him. 

“We could also stay for the weekend since it’s only a six hour drive,” You let out a small laugh, dropping your hands to his shoulders. “Rafe, come on. Act a little more—”

“What, happy?” His tone causes the smile to slip from your lips. His hands lift to wrap around your wrist, pushing your touch away from him. 

“Well, yeah,” You stare at him. “I’m…I’m telling you we could actually live together in our own space and you’re not even…” You trail off. 

“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly too happy that you decided it would be okay for me to just uproot my life from here to go with you.” Oh, Rafe, shut up, shut up, shut up.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“That I’m not doing that!” He throws his hands up. “I’m not leaving everything behind here that I’ve slowly worked through! Dad would never let me hear the end of it.” 

“Is this about me or your dad? Do you not remember when you used to come here just because he would kick you out for weeks before even letting you come back home?” Your own voice begins to raise. “Do you seriously trust him enough to work with him or is it just for the money that he is able to provide?” 

His jaw clenches and he shakes his head. “I don’t have to listen to this,” He walks past you and grabs the duffle bag that sits on your chair. You turn and watch him, lips parting as he begins to stuff his things into his bag. “I don’t have to listen to your version of a ‘perfect life’ when I can have that.” 

It’s like he’s trying to convince himself that he would still have that perfect life when you decide to leave everything behind - leave him behind. 

“You don’t think we could build something up together and have that be perfect?” You walk over towards him as he turns. He stops and stares down at you. “You don’t think we could build our own home together? Something better than here?” 

His lips pull into a tight line so he doesn’t say something he regrets. He steps into the bathroom, removing his stuff before stepping back towards his back. 

“Rafe…” You watch him. “Rafe, please. Why are you being like this? I just want you to talk—”

“I’m angry because you can leave but I can’t!” He turns towards you. You stumble back slightly but quickly regain composure, eyes widened slightly. “You can leave everything behind and you’ll be fine. But if I do…” He lets out a laugh which sounds more like a scoff before shaking his head. “I’m not you. I care too much.” 

“You…” You watch as he zips up his bag. “You think I don’t care? Why do you think I wanted you to come with me?!” 

“Money.” 

The anger that builds in your chest makes you feel as if you’re sweating profusely. “I would never be with you just because of the money and you know it, Rafe,” You jab your finger into his chest. “I love you! That’s why I wanted you to come with me! This whole argument could’ve been avoided if you’d just understand me!” 

“Yeah, well,” He grabs his keys from your desk. “You said you didn’t want to end up like your parents.” 

“Rafe, don’t do this,” You step closer. “You’re being irrational for no reason.” 

He glances back at you one last time - watches how your lip quivers, eyes pleading with him. “Please.” You whisper. His eyes drift over towards your desk, the letter on top taunting him. 

He steps out of your room, slamming the door behind himself. You stand there, staring at the closed door waiting for the moment he steps back in, laughing in your face about how he got you and you’d punch him in the arm. The night would continue with a movie and sour gummy worms. 

Yeah. That sounds perfect. 

But the sound of the front door opening and closing downstairs and the start of his truck has that wish shattering. You rush towards your window, peeking out the curtains. His tires squeal on the pavement as he backs out and speeds off. 

Pulling back, you slowly walk towards your bed and sit on the edge. Your eyes stare at the floor as your hands rest in your lap. Your heart beats uncomfortably fast. 

You slowly reach for your phone, immediately texting Sarah to come over. 

After the texts she sent go unanswered, she’s there within ten minutes and running up the steps. Opening the door, her eyes dart around the room, before they land on you. 

You slowly look over at her. “I got in.” 

Her smile is immediately, mouth parting to speak but she quickly stops when she watches your face crumble, a sob leaving your throat. The door shuts and she quickly walks over, pulling you close to her.

You cry until your eyes are heavy and your throat hurts. You pull away slowly and Sarah looks at you sadly. Your eyes linger on her skin, reaching over and wiping away your tears that had fallen, making a slight face. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize,” She shakes her head, reaching for your hand. “What happened?”

The explanation was hard to get through, some tears and pauses along the way but Sarah nods, face remaining morphed into sadness. 

“Then he left.” 

Sarah lets out a small sigh. “I mean, he was rejected from that college. Maybe he’s just…” Your brows furrow slightly, head tilting. “Maybe he’s angry at himself - which doesn’t excuse—”

“Wait,” You quickly cut her off. “What do you mean, he was rejected from that college? When did Rafe even apply?” 

She stares at you quietly. “Uh,” She shifts. She thought Rafe might’ve told you - she thought wrong. “He applied last year. He was so excited when he got the letter. He had me open it because he was so nervous,”

Looking down at the loose thread on Sarah’s shorts, you frown at the thought of Rafe being excited then learning that it wasn’t what he was expecting. “He thought I was being mean,” Sarah nods. “I actually felt bad for him. He was…Rafe is smart - when he puts his mind to it. He had the grades for it. Especially when you two started talking,” 

Your eyes lift and she smiles sadly. “He hammered down then,” She nods. “Dad offered to, uh…” She shifts uncomfortably and messes with the bracelet on your wrist. “He offered to pay the school a lump sum of money.” 

“Rafe told him no, because he wanted to get in without that kind of help,” Sarah nods. “Dad laughed. He told Rafe he wasn’t sure why he thought he would be able to get in. He left for four days after that.” 

Thinking back, you remember one time when Rafe had come to your home closer to his graduation. He seemed more sad than what he usually did. When he stepped in, he mumbled some excuse about Rose wanting him out. 

“I never knew any of that. He didn’t tell me.” 

“I know,” Sarah nods. “That still doesn’t give him any right to say and do what he did to you though.” 

You nod, looking towards the picture frame on your dresser, shoulders dropping slightly. “I don’t know if I can leave now.” 

“Hey, no,” Sarah grabs your face and turns it back, lowering them to your shoulders once you’re staring at him. “You’re not backing out on this. This is your chance to have a future. You can talk to Rafe, but do not let him change your mind about going.” 

“This could’ve been avoided, Sarah.” Your lip quivers and head shakes. 

“It could’ve,” She agrees with a small nod. “But him seeing that letter did not need to cause this,” She motions towards your face. Did not need to cause crying for almost an hour straight. “He has every reason to be upset or jealous - whatever he feels. But he should feel happy for you.This is a big accomplishment.” 

Nodding a bit, you smile softly. “I’ll try talking to him,” She nods. “Thank you for coming. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

She smiles. “Not a lot.” She teases. 

You laugh softly, leaning your cheek over onto her arm that remains close to you. “Do you mind staying?” You whisper. 

“Not at all.”

—

| FOUR MONTHS LATER. 

| I know you’re not speaking to me. But I'd really like to see you before I leave. 

| Say a proper goodbye. 

| Please come with Sarah. 

READ AT 12:30PM. 

Your heart breaks but it’s something you’ve grown used to over the four months away from Rafe. Quickly dropping your phone, you look over when the door opens. 

Your mom smiles softly when she sees you folding a shirt, stuffing it into a suitcase. You’re leaving some clothes home, in your room, but taking some with you. Your dad had given you a free range of spending after learning about getting accepted. 

That’s the first time you’ve ever felt as if he was proud of you. 

“I can’t believe you're leaving me,” You turn and send your mom a small smile. “I’ll be home every four weeks unless something important comes up. And for holidays. You could also come see me.” 

“I don’t like driving and neither does your dad, you know that,” There’s something that wavers in her voice that has a frown pulling at your lips and fingers gripping the material you hold. She steps closer and clears her throat. “Are you sure you want to leave early?” 

You stare at her quietly for a moment as you actually think about backing out of this whole thing. You wanted to leave a month early so you can explore a new place, maybe meet some new friends. But you also didn’t want to leave everyone else behind. 

But you wanted to leave everyone behind at the same time. 

A part of you felt bad for leaving your mom - although another part doesn’t. She never really showed she cared, but maybe that wasn’t her fault. 

“I’m sure. I want to make sure I know where everything is,” You nod, turning back to your bag. You finish with the shirt in your hand, zipping up your bag. “Sarah, John B, and everyone's on their way to say bye.” 

She doesn’t know about the fight with Rafe. And you did not want to tell her - she’d find some way to blame you for it. 

You also didn’t feel like crying once again. 

She nods and smiles softly. “Come with me. Your dad said he’d get your bags.” 

You're surprised, but nod and follow behind her down the steps. Your dad was in the kitchen, giving you a small smile in passing before he walked upstairs. 

You turn your attention back, eyes dropping to a box. “What’s this?” 

“A care package,” She nods. You eye it before looking at her. “Do you…remember those homemade cookies we used to make with one another?” 

“Oh, I don’t—”

“I made some,” She quickly cuts you off. You, of course, remember making those cookies. They were the best cookies you’ve ever tasted - nothing has yet to top them yet. You were smush surprised she even made them. “Last night. I was…I was up late making this with some of the other snacks you used to like as well.” 

You pull the box closer, opening it and peeking inside. Your heart stops for a moment before glancing up. “Mom—”

She circles around and grabs your biceps softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there the most when you needed me,” Your eyes begin to sting. “When you were older. I should’ve stuck up more for you and been there. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

She pulls you towards her quickly, squeezing you tightly. You can’t remember the last time you hugged either one of your parents. Not one of those side hugs, or hugs that you do for a family portrait and quickly pull away after the flash goes off. 

An actual bone-crushing hug. 

Your arms slowly wrap around her, before your eyes slowly squeeze shut, moving closer. 

“My baby,” She whispers, pulling away and pressing a kiss to your temple. “I’m so sorry.” 

You smile softly, shaking your head quickly. “It’s okay.” You whisper, breath shuddering slightly as you wipe your tears with the back of your hand. She reaches up and wipes at your other cheek. 

“I’m so, so proud of you, you know?” 

It’s strange. The words she says have your face crumbling and another shaky breath escaping you. You never knew if she was truly ever proud of you or not - you still wasn’t for sure, the words could just be in the moment - but it still renders you breathless all the same. 

You jump slightly when you hear a honk outside. Your eyes dart towards the front door before glancing at your mom. She nods. “I’ll get your dad to carry this out too.” 

You nod and start to walk out of the kitchen. You pause and turn back around, hugging her tightly. “I love you, Mom.” You whisper softly. 

Her arms tighten once more for a second before releasing slightly. “I love you, sunshine.” Suddenly, you’re a little girl again, beaming at her when you pull away. 

You quickly walk outside, smiling softly when you see the people who are standing outside, waiting by your car. Walking over, JJ is the first to see you. 

“Hello, Miss Georgia.” He grins, walking over. Everyone glances over. You embrace him in a hug, smiling softly. 

“Hello, JJ,” You laugh softly, pulling away. “Thanks for coming. Sorry that it’s gonna be a short goodbye too - I want to get going before traffic hits.” 

“Then we better get to it,” Topper says from the side. “There’s a concert going on today.” 

You hum softly and hug JJ once again, patting his back softly. “Don’t get yourself into too much trouble.” 

“No promises.” It sounds like he sniffles at the end, but you pull away to hug Pope next as JJ turns and fixes his hat. 

“Make good choices and study.” He reminds you. You pull away and stare at him, grinning. 

“You’re so studious, Pope.” 

He smiles softly and pulls you into another quick hug, patting your back before moving to stand next to JJ. You hug Topper and Kelce next - a side hug, but it was still nice of them to come tell you goodbye. 

You hug Kiara next, promising to text her and send her pictures of the sunsets - mountains, too, if you go hiking. 

John B gives you a small smile. Sarah pushes him slightly. “She doesn’t bite,” She shakes her head. “Well—”

“Hush, Sarah,” You warn, hugging John B. You lower your voice. “Take care of her, okay?” 

He nods and steps away. You smile at Sarah and hug her tightly, feeling her fingers grip at the material of your shirt. “I’m sorry he didn’t come. I tried.” She whispers. 

You nod. “It’s okay…” You whisper. Pulling away, you smile and take a look at everyone. 

“I love you guys,” You nod. “Thanks for being here. It means a lot.” 

“Anything for you,” JJ smiles. “But we can’t watch you leave. Otherwise, we will follow you.” 

Letting out a small laugh, you nod. “Then you guys better go. I’m about to leave after I tell mom and dad bye.” You motion over your shoulder. 

They all walk towards their cars, goodbye’s and ‘I’ll see you soon’ filling the space. You watch as everyone disappears before turning. You see both your mom and dad standing and waiting patiently. Walking over, you smile. 

“Okay…I guess this is the part where we hug and I promise you I’ll see you both soon?” 

The man chuckles and pulls you close. “Exactly,” He pats your back, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You allow yourself to be selfish and indulge in his attention. “I love you. Text when you get there, okay?” 

You nod. “I will. Thank you, dad.” 

He presses another quick kiss to the top of your head, pulling away. You step towards your mom first, pulling her into another tight hug. “Call me whenever you need to. When you want to come back.” She whispers. 

You smile and nod. “I will. I love you.” You feel her nod and you pull away from the both of them, walking towards your car and slipping inside. You glance in your rearview mirror, watching as your mom lingers on the doorstep as your dad passes by, stepping inside. You frown slightly. 

The attention he had given you was short lived. 

Sighing, you turn on your car and hover your thumb over the START button on maps. Your eyes lift once again towards the house. The door shuts once again. 

Your eyes begin to sting as you look away once again, clicking the button. 

“In .3 miles, make a left…” 

Rafe pauses as he watches your car make a quick left, disappearing from his view. Rubbing at his face, he looks over at the packed bags in his passenger seat. 

He backed out. 

He packed his bags. Drove to your home to see if the offer still stands - to see if you still wanted him to go with you. Then he stopped before he even pulled into the driveway. 

He didn’t know why he couldn’t push himself to do it, no matter how many times he kept saying that’s what he wanted. He wanted you. He wanted to make a home with you. Have that perfect life that you believed in. 

He didn’t know what was holding him back. 

Starting up his truck, he stares at the mailbox in front of your house. He clears his throat and quickly pulls into the driveway, getting out and making his way up to the door. He knocks and waits. 

Your dad answers, brows slightly lifted. “Oh, Rafe,” He then pinches them together in confusion. “Didn’t you already say goodbye?” 

“No,” He shakes his head quickly. “I, uh…I was at work.” He lies. 

“Well, I’m sorry, kid. You just missed her,” He motions towards the end of the driveway. “I could call if you want—”

“No,” He quickly stops him. “No…I don’t want to hold her up if she had a timeline she wanted to follow. Thank you, though, sir.” 

He nods and begins to shut the door. “Wait,” The door opens once again. “This might be…” He trails off. It wouldn’t be weird. As far as they know - hopefully - you both are still together. “Would it be okay if I go up to her room?” 

The older man’s brows lift slightly, shrugging. “I don’t see why not.” 

Rafe nods and steps inside when he steps away. “Thank you, sir. I’ll be quick.” He makes his way towards the steps, quickly jogging up them and towards your room. 

He opens the door, stepping inside before closing it behind himself. He slowly steps in and stuffs his hands in his pockets as he looks around the room. 

Sitting on the edge of your bed, he smiles to himself softly. It did feel strange sitting in your room, without you. 

His eyes land on the photo on the nightstand, picking it up carefully. It had been moved from your dresser, closer to your bed. He didn’t know if that was good or bad. 

His chin quivers and drags his thumb across the dried flowers that had been stuffed under the glass. They were from your second date - Rafe had been late, Ward holding him up to do something that could’ve waited.

He wanted Ward's approval and put you last. He thinks that was the first time he ever did that. You never held it against him. 

Kicking off his shoes, he shifts around in the bed as he lies on his side. He holds the frame close to his chest, arms crossing over it protectively. 

He was never the one to get close to people. It was a surprise that he had even let you get close enough that you knew his little tics he would do when he was nervous, lying, or joking. 

Close enough that you knew him better than he knew himself. 

More than he knew you. 

The thought makes his eyes squeeze alongside the painful squeeze of his heart, the heel of his palm pressing in between his brows. His phone is weighing heavily in his pocket - his mind screaming for him to just call. 

But he didn’t want to hold you back. He knew you were meant for something greater than this place. Your friends. Him. You deserved to prove yourself in a way he never could or never will be able too. 

He loved you too much to hold you back. 

He loves you too much. 

His eyes grow heavier, the hold on the frame loosening as he slowly falls asleep to the scent of your sheets that smelled of both you and him. 

That smelled of home.

— tags; @starkeyvhs ; @clairoscharm ; @oceanblvd111

| please do not steal my content! feedback, requests, comments, & reblogs are appreciated & very welcomed. ᢉ𐭩

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

I got really anxious tonight because I posted a picture of my guitar online.

Here's why I posted the picture:-

1- I was proud that I've progressed into a more productive habit of practicing guitar.

2- I love my guitar - I bought it 3 years ago cos it's blue and practical for my height...

3- The universe is telling me to play music.

4- I want my friends to see my guitar!

5- I had this moment of pure bliss that I'd figured out how to do something new!

Why was I anxious? Well N came online and a dumb notification popped up!

I fucking hate when apps tell you someone is online, it feels kinda creepy, like he's watching me and judging me sometimes?

I read through a few notes I had on my phone tonight when I was writing. I was trying to find a scene I'd planned for my current book and I ended up finding other things that reminded me of him.

I feel like I did play into the "girlfriend mask" and I did feel like I was stuck.

I did the same thing as the previous times I've been in long-term relationships where I would backtrack whenever I was caught trying to communicate my unhappiness.

They are like "how dare you be unhappy with me" sort of confrontations and I hate that I can't just say "being with you makes me feel like I can't be true to myself" I end up people pleasing and whatever else.

I feel like cheating on people instead of ending the relationship is definitely a toxic trait but at the same time it's hard to navigate because I am poly.

Sometimes the people pleasing is actually how the cheating happens...

In my experience with past toxic relationships, and I have had too many, I try to explain I am poly until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't seem to sink in for the other person. If I explained things like the "auntie Angie" and solitary witch writing goals. Somehow they still think I want pair monogamy with marriage and babies.

I start to take that to heart.

I'm not a marriage person.

Not sure what I was doing wearing so many rings for over 10 years. It's odd now.

I was proposed to 8 times in 2018 alone.

I've had 3 long term relationships that I would say would have eventually resulted in something resembling the traditional mindset. (As previously mentioned that was be N, L and B). But is that me?

I guess I still love N, he is my best friend, and L well he's one of my closest friends and then B recently messaged me after 10 years. This year I will give them all back their hoodies I think - at least in spirit.

This year will I have all my guitars back?

B is the only person who has ever said he hated me and actually with the things he said about what I was supposed to eat and then telling me I was gaining weight and making fun of my weight and complaining about what I ate when I wasn't with him.

Then oh yeah saying that I shouldn't have an eating disorder because I had him.

He said that I shouldn't be depressed or anything because I had him. That his influence could cure depression?

Then I remembered that after I broke up with him I had a doctor tell me that breaking up the engagement did in fact cure me of my depression supposedly?

That followed with a mental health nurse who made me feel like I was supposed to be raped and another psychologist who pushed me to hang out with a group of boys who later became my harem in a weird way but that's where I discovered alcohol - and psychologist was ehh...

I'm not sure why she was like that in retrospect and it does contribute to my lack of trust in medical professionals.

Recently it was pointed out to me that it's bizarre my doctor upped my medication right before I went on a flight. Then I tried to explain to that doctor about my extreme reactions and meltdowns while I was in America, my self harming and suicidal thoughts as well as erratic behaviour, but I found out that doctor was no more?? This is why I have trust issues!!

Anyway, enough ranting. I need to sleep.

I still miss N dreadfully but it's ok.

The last couple of weeks I feel like I'm being a good supportive friend to all and healing through the trauma. I dropped the ball in therapy on Tuesday but I'm trying to do homework. Therapy is working.

I feel like there's music in me again.

I feel like my relationship with my dad is so much better too! Plus yes lots of friends!

I will always love my Nakama.

Nakama is Ohana!

[cat3ch1sm]

can you make headcanons for when adult trio find out that their s/o or a fem!reader is pregnant?

(Got inspired with the same request as that user for Light and others)

🌱| y'all r adorable for what absolutely

pov: u find out you're pregnant! how does the adult trio react?

chrollo lucilfer

· when u find out you're beyond excited, knowing how fond chrollo is of children and how much he's expressed wanting a child of his own.

· so you march into the room, where chrollo is sitting reading a book, and announce that you have something to tell him.

· what u really want is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation, then tell him. but apparently chrollo chose today to obsess over his book, and he doesn't really acknowledge you except with a mumbled "hm?"

· "chrollo, will you at least look up? i have something to tell you, and i really think you want to hear it."

· "yes, darling, i'm listening," is his reply while he's still obviously not really paying attention.

· you stand there impatiently waiting for him to look at you- and when he doesn't, you just blurt it out and start to leave the room in a huff.

· "well, i was going to say that i'm pregnant, but if your book is so important-"

· "you're what?"

· well, now you've got his attention.

· "oh, darling, that's wonderful- why didn't you tell me sooner?"

· there's no way you can be mad at chrollo after you see the way his face is glowing with happiness and pride. he immediately sets his book down and slowly walks over to you with an expression of disbelieving joy.

· "you're serious?"

· "yes, chrollo, i am."

· the second you say this, he's instantly all over you, showering you with hugs and kisses and words of affirmation. he's 200 percent ready to spoil you and give you whatever you want to make this pregnancy as easy as possible for you- he ain't no ging freecss

· probably will pick you up and swing you around until you have to remind him that there is a baby in here

· he may not be able to take time off from his job- but he'll sure as hell try. he'll have his subordinates do everything they possibly can so he won't have to come in

· may or may not force you into hiding bc hisoka

· is super smiley for the rest of the night and can't stop looking at you. chrollo will probably be super touchy and affectionate for the whole rest of the pregnancy

· absolutely does not tell anyone he knows about your pregnancy. nobody at all. if someone were to somehow find out he'd kill them without a second thought- he won't have his baby or his partner endangered. if someone has something to settle with him, he'll make sure it's only him that deals with it.

illumi zoldyck

· "and you're sure?"

· "yes, Illumi, i'm sure."

· "oh."

· he just kinda stares at you vacantly for a few seconds before getting up and warily placing a hand on your belly.

· his reaction is pretty tame. he doesn't seem to be excited nor displeased

· but tbh he's sort of thrilled that he was able to impregnate you, the act itself makes him feel as if you truly belong to him now. his child is inside you- nobody possesses you but him.

· illumi really doesn't know much about taking care of you during the actual term. so he'll probably end up recruiting some family

· of course, that means kikyo, who is probably more excited than both of you combined

· he will probably behave a lot more possessively, and will not allow you to go with him on more dangerous missions. illumi will not have any harm come to his child

· unfortunately, he fully intends to put his child through the same things he went through in his journey to become who he is now

hisoka morow

· you're actually kinda scared to tell him because well... he's hisoka. his behavior is too unpredictable for you to guess how exactly he'll react, so you're worried he'll be unhappy.

· but there's no getting out of it after he notices the unusually pensive look on your face as you sit beside him on the sofa, his arm around your waist

· "darling, you're awfully quiet tonight- why so serious?"

· not really knowing how else to do so, you just spit it out.

· "i'm pregnant, hisoka."

· there's a flicker of shock across his face, and he blinks hard a few times. "wh- what?"

· "you heard me."

· he just kind of freezes, a strange look on his face- but you're a little caught off guard once the off-put look in his eyes darkens into one of lust

· "my dear, what did i tell you? i've said before i'd fill you up with my children one day- don't look so shocked."

· stg this hoe can't take shit seriously without getting horny

· as you gape at him, appalled, hisoka just chuckles in amusement and pulls you in closer, his nails digging into your waist.

· "oh, i can see you now, my little bunny- all spread out on the bed for me, your pathetic face flushed and sweating and your pretty little cunt dripping with my seed. i'd already seen this coming~"

· "however, if you do keep it, i certainly won't be settling down to raise a child. do what you wish with the baby, but count on your tiny little body overflowing with my cum again, dear."

· hisoka is dead serious when he says he won't be sticking around to raise a baby. he doesn't need a partner with a burden like a child- but he'll definitely impregnate people regardless bc he's toxic asf

· tbh hisoka hates kids except for gon *cue that nasty ass heavens arena scene*

[snickerdoodlles]

OKAY BUT NO??? WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE THING WITH ALL THE FRIENDS WALKING TOGETHER YET. THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT NEVER SHOWED UP??? AND THAT DOESN'T MATCH UP WITH BREAK UP TIME SKIP????

my friend, ive been staring at your asks for over hours and my thoughts are still running around in circles orz. i know i'm kinda focusing on the wrong things here, but like? i can't even figure out how everything the preview's hinted at would happen in the space of an hour.

like. ugh, fine, lets say i dont get my ending squad shot from the opening. so part 1 is pat and pran returning to friends and family to say they've broken up, part 2 is the official timeskip (which would have to be at least 3 years given context clues), in which they'll have to establish where everyone is now and what they're doing. mayyyybe they manage to squeeze in the parents feeling terrible about what they did to their sons during this exposition. part 3 is the (probably) high school reunion or whatever and "hey look its your old rival". and then...what??? if its them reconnecting, that's a lot of ground to cover just between them, much less anything from the parents realizing hey, we fucked up. if they're fake broken up, there's still a ton to address just in the fact that they'd have been in a secret relationship for so long, and then also we'd be totally stuck because if they're still in a secret relationship for at least 3 years because of their parents, that's a fucking monster to unpack idek where to start. and in either scenario, we'd have to get thru all of that to then end with pat and pran together somehow and their parents' rivalry buried in part 4. AND this all has to somehow tie back into the central running theme of being stronger when you stand together and choose love/cycles of hatred need extreme love to break them, or else the writing fails

they said we'd be begging for a season 2, but like. they can't? not resolve their main story? as i was typing my grievances, the first thing that comes to mind is maybe if the order is switched up? pat and pran pretend to breakup, tell their friends about their plan, and...somehow this leads to parents getting a wakeup call that they've hurt their sons in part 1/part2??? maybe even into pt3??? then pat and pran can come back together, then we have the timeskip at some point in the second half and the reunion is a see where we were to where we are now sort of moment, maybe even where the seed for a future season is planted?

pat and pran have schemed in the past to great success, so i can't totally discount the idea of a breakup being a tactic from them to force their families to reconcile (and like. they only said they were on their honeymoon every other line in ep11, like they wouldn't continue to fight tooth and nail for each other. this isnt even accounting for the 829489752 things pointing to them staying together, like fucking everything in ep1-11 and the headphone bag detail you pointed out). im kinda...huh??? on a breakup as a tactic, or at least its a trope i dont care for or care about, but i can kiiiiiinda see it happening and pat and pran not hiding their misery this time around to force their parents to grow tf up? its just so...roundabout and not well geared for success, i dont see how it could be a tactic to fix things. maybe im missing something, but like. pran already dismissed pat's offer to pretend to break up to make things easier and wheedle his friends around to talking to him again/get them to be more open to the idea. so...why would that work here, with their parents who will feel nothing but vindicated that their sons did break up, even if their sons are sad? i can't figure out what im missing that would make a breakup--real or fake--lead to pat and pran being happy. it's not like this is a trial run of 'would we be happier just not being together', pat and pran both already know how unhappy they are when they're separated and they can't even be friends. so.. ???????

now, definitely something we have to acknowledge is that the previews have been really good at keeping the direct plotline hidden. any plot clues/predictions we had were based off things the actual episodes already laid the groundwork for. so while this is totally left field, we also just don't know what the storyline is and were all filling in the gaps with genre tropes that bad buddy likes to break. but while i'm aware there's no way i could make predictions solely off the preview, it just feels like so much to cram into the ending episode and still successfully tell their story. i would've expected a timeskip at the very end of the series to setup an option for s2 (and who knows! maybe that is what happens!), the timeskip part dominated the s12 preview and i doubt they'd do that for something that isn't truly relevant to the main storyline of the next episode?

im sorry, im just going off into a full ramble here with my red tape and corkboard, i really don't know what else to say ): they've well established that we can't predict how an episode will go based off previews, but unlike the others, we don't have any buildup to these sorts of twists. im officially talking in circles but like...my guess for the episode to go patpran breakup to parent reconciliation to timeskip+reunion is probably my best guess for what might happen. i feel like the only thing that could be cut is parents coming back together, so its pat and pran moving on from them and a s2 would then be about resolving the family drama? im running off with the red tape again, but im so lost/torn between the resolution i see from ep1-11 vs what the ep12 preview hints at that im not sure what else we can do orz