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[iwanttoholdon]

I FEEL LIKE I BEAT A MURDER.

23.03.2024

[iwanttoholdon]

18.11.2023

I wanted to write today with nothing and everything on my mind. I'm stuck for a while now and I don't want to do anything about it and at the same time I want to do so many things and it makes me uneasy that I'm stuck. Like I can't sleep, I feel so anxious to think I'm missing out so much. Like there are so many things I want to do and I should be doing but I got stuck. I can't move. I can't even force myself to move now. Not even an attempt. Still I hate it here. Still I feel like I deserve to be stuck, I deserve some rest from the world. I deserve to freeze my life and not doing anything. Because I don't want to go on after what I have lost. I don't want to move on like nothing has changed. It feels like I should be stuck and not go on with my life like nothing happened. It feels unfair. To me and to the memory of the things I have lost. I heard that after you experience loss and grief you get stuck for a couple of years. And it all made sense because I have never felt like this before. But there are several aspects to it that contradicts. First I don't want to be stuck and miss out and waste my time like I'm couscous of the time so much I get sick with anxiety at the thought of I'm running out of time and will regret later. Nevertheless I can't bring myself to do anything about it to help myself. Because I don't want to. Because I feel like I deserve some rest and some space from the world. I don't want to go on like nothing happened. Because I have lost what I lost and I want what I am going through to be seen to be recognized. I don't want to ignore it, I don't want to betray myself. I don't want to treat it like it happened to a stranger and I can just be sad for them for a while and move on with my life. I want to put my life on hold. Because it was that big and it affected me so much in so many ways, because I still suffer so much I can't go on like nothing happened. I want to give that recognition to myself when no ones gives it to me. I want to say it's ok to just exist and not do anything else. Because I know you are in pain. And I want to pay that respect. I have lost my father along with so many things and I don't want to disrespect his memory with being happy and moving on like it was nothing. I feel guilty like I should be feeling bad. Even in the times I feel happy I instantly get this feeling like I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be like other people. In the back of m mind I always remind myself. I shouldn't be happy and move on because he is not here anymore. And I play too much, I act too much. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through. Back of my mind it's always like they don't know what I'm going through.I don't even want to talk to the people I'm close to. I don't want to open up, I don't want to share. I barely have conversations with people anymore other than small talk. I go through it alone leaving myself more miserable. It feels noble and special. I have a secret that no one knows, I feel like it makes me special. But I know it doesn't. I know it's healthier to open up and share some stuff but I guess I'm over talking about it. I give myself this space, rest. I allow myself to be isolated to be stuck. I deserve that bit of a time. I try to be a friend to myself. I do what I please. Even though sometimes I also know it's not so healthy for me. But I think it won't kill me and I want to listen to what I need. And I'm not running out of time, I have my whole life and everything will be still here once I'm ready. I deserve to slow down.

[iwanttoholdon]

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

I need a plan ASAP. This shit is getting darker every minute. I need to get my shit together.

Get back on my traits and schedule.

Get back on improving myself.

Getting back on being productive.

Start to think about my future again.

Using my diary to write and plan.

Stay away from negativity.

Protecting my energy.

Keep myself busy with the right things.

Feeding my soul and my mind with the right things.

Healing and growing.

[iwanttoholdon]

It is getting so fucking hard and so fucking bad. I feel lost.

[iwanttoholdon]

I'm obsessed again. My mind has been stuck with that one thought for over a week now. I can't focus or think about anything else. It feels like I'm not living in the real world in real-time, but rather a reflection of everything. I hate being obsessed. I hate feeling like I'm going insane. I'm tired of these cycles.

[iwanttoholdon]

It's getting bad again.

It's like living in an old home you want to escape from, but no matter how far you go, you carry that home in your heart. I carry the weight of this broken home, this lonely little girl, deep within my heart. It's painful how deeply both of these burdens cut and how heavy my heart feels. I've been trying so hard, giving my best, but deep down, I feel like none of it is working. It's disheartening and devastating.

My mind is foggy; I can't focus or think straight. I find myself crying before sleep and waking up in tears. I've lost interest in everything; it's becoming increasingly difficult to take care of myself. I often want to isolate myself; I lack the energy for anything else. Most of all, I've lost hope. I can't see any silver lining; my life feels like it's stuck in a never-ending loop. I don't want to seek help; I don't believe it would make a difference. I can't envision a future. I'm drowning in self-hatred, much like I did when I was just 13 years old. I'm consumed by sadness and depression. I'm failing in my relationships and at work because my mind is clouded with despair. I've lost my spark, my joy. My thoughts are filled with images from my past, things that no longer matter. I can't escape my haunting memories, the things I've done, the things happened to me, or how I've been shaped by it all. I'm trapped in my own thoughts, and I feel suicidal all the time. I can't shake the thought, the urge to end it all. I know the signs; I know when things get bad, and it's been bad for a while now, despite my best efforts. I know the coping strategies, I know how to fight back, but it feels like they don't work anymore. I know I'm losing myself, my spirit, my mind. Everything feels overwhelming. I can't handle my family issues, and I can't handle my relationships. I put on a tough mask, acting like nothing gets to me, but most of it brings me down.

[iwanttoholdon]

And if you knew how proud I was You'd never shed a tear, have a fear, no, you wouldn't do that.

This week has been really hard, filled with anxiety and despair. I felt bad about everything, wanted all to end. But somewhat it gets easier once start to accept some hard truths. I have lost what I lost and I have to live with that forever. And the the thing that I am yearning for, craving for will never come because I won't be finding it in the ways that I lost it. It is full of sadness and grief and it gets really hard to go on with my life. Because I don't know what to do with myself as soon as it hits. I can't be with people and I can't be alone. I just do things to move on with my life. Maybe sometimes it is enough to survive. I hope it is because it seems like the bare minimum but to me it takes everything I have. It takes dedication, so much will, so much energy, so much courage, so much work... I have no energy or motivation to do anything. And it is no wonder I know. It takes everything in me just to survive and I have nothing else left in me while moving in the world. Still I am very proud because if you see me you would think I am doing great and I am someone who is very happy and together. It is because I give my best to get on with my life. In a normal way. As possible. I am doing something amazingly hard and I appreciate myself for that. Anyway the things I lost, there is no going back. Not to my old self, my father, my old life or my love. It is over now. But today I thought about something hopeful, I gained a different perspective. I have also gained so many things. I found my new self. I found my power. I have the greatest friends, family and even a lovely cat. Successful carrier. Many things I am grateful for. Rather than being sad about what I lost maybe I can focus on what I have now which is so many blessings. I want to be hopeful about my future. I will be better again. I said goodbye to the things that won't come back and welcome the things I have. I want to be a good person, be there for my family and friends. I want to make a beautiful life for myself. I accept that we have many life times and I am in another one and I will have so many more and it is not particularly a bad thing. I have to move on. I need to move on. There is just no other way around it. And I can just apt myself on the shoulder. I can kiss my hair my cheeks. I can hug myself. I can look after myself. I can be there for myself. I can love myself. I don't need another person to do this job for me. I also welcome genuine love into my life. A warm love that will make me understand why I had to heal and get better to receive it. I thought about so many things today but I guess these are the things what is on my mind now. I am trying to hold on, sometimes it is right and sometimes it is not but in the end I am surviving. And it is not fair to judge myself otherwise. Maybe I am not normal maybe I am pervert and maybe I am weird. So what? Be in my shoes one day bitch and we will see what kind of a fucking person you would be. These are the cards that I am dealt with and this is the best hand that I can play. You don't have my cards and you don't know my heart. But I can't open my heart to everyone. It is fragile and precious. I will only share it with the ones who have good souls enough to not to judge it and see me as I am. I am proud of myself and proud of my heart. Life is not fair to anyone and fuck you people for judging me without knowing I do my best with the cards I have. I am enough. I am doing my best. I am loved. I love. I am proud of myself.

No, you're not perfect but you're not your mistakes.

[iwanttoholdon]

Sometimes I feel that weight, I hold that in my chest Sometimes I hold it back, other times I'm blessed

I love the song and I used to listen to it everyday thinking about a crush that broke my heart but these lyrics mean something else to me now. Sometimes it gets so heavy on my chest, so much more than sometimes to be honest, and I don't know what to do with it. Cruel amount of intense emotions and unbearable thoughts with unwanted memories wash over me all at once, I just feel like dying. To be exact I really wanna unalive myself in these moments because I don't want to feel them, I just want to escape and I much rather feel nothing at all. That's why I try to numb myself lately. Just trying to numb my brain with stupid videos or sleep just because I want to run away from myself. But you can't really run away from yourself, can you? Or you can only run away so much. As much as I want, I also know that one can not get rid of her past. And as you run faster it will catch up to you. There is no escape. So I said enough is enough. I am courages enough to face my fears. I am all grown now. I feel like a new person and I gave myself permission to be sad and depressed and took a rest. But I feel hopeful today and I feel like maybe its not that bad you know? Maybe I can have a beautiful life. Maybe I can build myself a beautiful life and maybe there is no rush? Maybe I am not a loser because I don't have a special someone? Maybe I am not a loser because I live with my family in a not nice neighborhood? Maybe I am not a loser because I don't have a car? Maybe I am not a loser because I haven't travel the world. Maybe none of these shit really matter and I am just being stupid by giving myself hell for not doing what the society wants. I am not cool in terms of what cools on Instagram. But I don't really care about these stuff, they don't bother me. They just bother me because I feel like I don't fit in and I want to fit in like everybody else does. But in reality I am comfortable and content. I am not running out of time. I got all the time in the world. I am not late to anything. I should rise above from all of this mess and focus on what makes me feel good. I know better than that. I know better than that.

Anyway I actually wanted to write about the funeral I went to today and cried a lot. It made me really sad. Then I went to a dinner with my new team and hang out with them. And I felt really happy, comfortable and at peace. The energy they were giving were so positive and they were such good and down to earth people. I felt like I belong there. Felt like I found my people and my place. Not specifically those people but genuine people with good intentions. I really understood what they meant by the people and the energy around you can really lift you up or bring you down. So they lift me up from a very deep depression without even knowing without even trying. That is the part I felt blessed. And I haven't felt that in a very long time.

Another thing that punched me in the stomach is remembering tomorrow is my dad's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THIS IS THE FIRST BIRTHDAY WE DON'T GET TO CELEBRATE. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I WISH YOU WERE STILL HERE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE CARE. I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH IT. YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART. I REALLY WISH I COULD BUY YOU A BIRTHDAY GIFT AGAIN. I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN AND HUG YOU AGAIN. WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON ENOUGH AND I HOPE I WILL GET TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOU WOULD BE SO PROUD AND HAPPY FOR ME. MAYBE YOU ARE ALREADY. YOU WERE THE BEST DAD TO ME. I WISH I COULD BE NICER TO YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. YOU WILL BE 56 FOREVER. I WILL ALWAYS CARRY YOU IN MY HEART.

[iwanttoholdon]

Things I do to not to kill myself.

So yes, I have been trying really hard to distract myself from thoughts of suicide. Lately, my emotions have been overwhelming me, and it's so difficult to stay afloat. There are moments when I feel like I can't handle my emotions and they suffocate me, and I want to give up so badly. To be honest, "giving up" isn't the right phrase. It's more like I'm not capable of being, like losing my mind.

Anyway, because I don't want to kill myself, I'm giving myself a chance by at least trying to stay hopeful. I try to give myself some silly moments to keep myself distracted, basically trying everything that has even a small chance of making me feel better. I am so desperate that I'm willing to try anything.

In the last two days, I wasted my money on a fortune teller even though I don't believe in that kind of stuff, and I got myself lip and cheek fillers. Both failed miserably. The fortune teller didn't tell me anything worth mentioning, so I asked about my ex, even though our relationship ended a year ago. The woman told me that he was doing great both financially and relationship-wise, so I checked his social media and did a bit of stalking. Obviously, this left me feeling extremely miserable. No one wants to see their ex doing well while they're struggling not to kill themselves.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this old relationship, but I think it has something to do with me rather than the person. I'm considering starting therapy again because I really want to get these thoughts out of my head. In reality, it's unfair for me to compare myself to him and feel bad about myself. My dad died, not his. Everyone has their own pace and timeline, and you can't really tell someone's happiness by their social media. As far as I know, he's mentally troubled, so what does any of this have to do with me? This was something in the past, and it needs to stay there. I have zero emotions concerning him. I don't want to revisit these disturbing memories; it serves no purpose. The past belongs in the past. But I think I'm missing an old life, longing for things that seem way better than they actually were, looking through my loneliness glasses. But I'll talk about that another time.

The second dumb thing I did, getting fillers, left me feeling even more ugly and questioning why I went for it in the first place. I was never someone who cared about beauty standards and plastic culture, but lately, I've been feeling really low about myself. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and I never used to feel this way. But I guess this is something to expect while contemplating suicide.

Some days are really tough, but we can do hard things.

[iwanttoholdon]

[iwanttoholdon]

"Grey skies every day for months, would you still stay?"

One of my New Year's resolutions was to return to writing, and it had been on my list for so long - I had even made lists for myself before the new year. The reason I was so insistent on writing was that I knew it was something that could heal me and help me survive. But sitting down and starting to write again was beyond tough because it meant remembering, accepting, and facing things I would much rather escape and ignore. I had never experienced anything like this before. Ever since I was introduced to writing and reading, it was my safe haven, where I found relief from pain. But this time was different; I couldn't bring myself to do it, even though I knew it would be the most helpful thing for me. I'm proud to say that I know myself, my strengths, and weaknesses, which helps me fight my demons. However, I am grieving, and it's something very hard to do when you are on your own. It's a long process, and I don't know if there is an end to it. My current position is that I'm sad and depressed because of my loss, and I have zero motivation or interest in anything other than not living. It feels like my life should be on pause, but it's not. Life doesn't wait for anyone, and I have to figure out how to continue living as if I hadn't lost anything. Anyway, enough with the nagging. What grief does to you is basically make you grow the f*ck up. You become wiser, more mature, and it sucks the life out of you. So I know I should do some things about being sad, even though I have zero motivation or interest. I should support myself and be there for myself. I should take care of myself and show myself love and compassion. It feels like I'm doing someone else's job while doing all of these things, and it makes me want to be childish and stubborn and let myself rot, but I should do the right thing for myself. So I choose to do the things that will help me survive and maybe feel better. I replaced motivation with discipline, so I will not look for it in the wrong places, aka people. Yes, writing is one of them. And this will be like a journal-type thing; my mind will be scattered all over the place. I used to be a good writer, but now I don't give a shit about aesthetic purposes. I am here to mend my broken heart, give my tired soul a little bit of rest, a pat on the shoulder for myself, someone to confide in, and somewhere to put my sadness. To not feel so alone, to have hope again.

Until then, I promise to fight for myself.