#I'm just saying we need to ask ourselves why parents don't have time to interact meaningfully with their children anymore?

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

I've seen a lot of posts and videos about late gen z and gen alpha and how horrible they are, how they can't read, how all they want to do is use their phones and ipads and they're out of control and rude.

and the blame inevitably goes to land on the parents without much more thought put into it.

I've seen rarely anyone call it what it is, which is a moral panic. that's what it is. I myself am guilty of contributing to this. we blame the parents for "putting an ipad" in the kids face at the first sign of distress without taking a step back to think, "why are these parents having less time to spend educating their children?" we blame teachers for passing students that clearly are not at the required skill level to move to the next grade without stopping to ask "why are we losing passionate educators? why are the ones we have left so overworked?"

it's capitalism btw.

it's not an individual problem, it is systemic.

poor parents, single parents, marginalized parents, all of these are the parents who you are really shaming by refusing to acknowledge that this, just as everything, is a symptom of a greater problem. we know educators aren't making enough; we know educators are leaving the field in droves; we know income, disability, race, et al. are contributing factors to gaining a fruitful education; we know people are working longer and harder than ever for less and less pay.

yet we are unwilling to put these pieces together into the forgone conclusion that there are systemic barriers put into place to prevent future generations from access to quality education. we wring our hands and talk about screentime and social media and how the internet is the problem or the kids are the problem or the bad millennial parents are the problem or tiktok or ipads or lack of discipline or

but we need to stop and think for a moment, because the only thing that benefits from the idea that this burgeoning education problem is a moral failing that the "real" and "good" parents aren't guilty of, rather than the capitalist machine working as intended, is you guessed it, the capitalist system that birthed many of these issues in the first place

[copperbadge]

hi, i had a medium to big question. in your post about the adhd self-help book you mentioned people with adhd being conditioned to be nonconfrontational, but i've never once in my entire life connected the two? can you break down the connection for me so that i can once again (this week, even) have my understanding of my own condition blown wide open?

So, you are not the only person to ask about this, but that's on me for being unclear -- I wasn't trying to assert that kids with ADHD are automatically conditioned to be nonconfrontational, I was more trying to be like "Hey not everyone needs lessons in medical self-advocacy but a lot of nonconfrontational people do." And I think there is a higher population of people with neurodivergence who are deeply confrontation-averse, but I don't have like, numbers for that, it's just an assumption based on other knowledge.

It gets complicated; ADHD is a disease based heavily in acting impulsively against your best interests. But yeah I do think people with ADHD are often conditioned to avoid confrontation because of two main factors: rejection-sensitive dysphoria and executive dysfunction.

RSD, which I hate perhaps more than any other symptom or behavior associated with ADHD, automatically kicks our nervous system into high gear in social situations and encodes embarrassing moments in our memory with high-def clarity. Because RSD naturally causes a level of anxiety around socialization, it tends to make us nonconfrontational simply because a) we don't want to be yelled at, b) we don't want to embarrass ourselves by getting emotional about something that may not warrant it, and c) by the time we realize what's happening our body is already on high alert which means we are likely to go into fight-flight-freeze mode.

Me, I freeze, usually, but none of those three options are great for fast thinking during an argument. I used to lose arguments a lot simply because I couldn't think or react as fast as the neurotypical person I was fighting with, so I simply stopped having fights. Notably, I did not have this problem when fighting with my brother, who is also neurodivergent and has many of the same freeze reactions I do.

If people disagree with me, even when I know I'm right I also know I probably won't be able to vocalize it properly, so I back down. Usually it's trivial so it doesn't matter, and I've gotten strategic about how and when I argue about things that do matter; it's also a lot easier to do with strangers or professionals (like doctors) where I don't have to worry about long-term social repercussions. But yeah, our own nervous system tells us "hey maybe don't pick this fight" about every single fight and if we do pick that fight, it treats our opponent as a dangerous predator.

Executive dysfunction's interaction with nonconfrontation is something I have less problem with because while I do have poor executive function, I've spent a lot of time and energy training myself to cover the Important Stuff. I have mild ADHD so I'm capable of this; I'm not trying to say everyone with ADHD is, because lord knows it's exhausting for me and I've been doing it for roughly thirty years. But essentially, I cover where it counts: if someone needs me to do something I do it, I meet deadlines, I pay bills.

So with that disclaimer in place, a very common issue especially for children with undiagnosed ADHD is that they'll be told or asked to do something and simply be unable to begin or complete it, then when they're asked why they didn't do it they can't explain. Even if they try to explain that they simply couldn't, like they were incapable of doing it for reasons they don't understand, that usually doesn't hold water with a lot of parents and teachers.

"I couldn't bring myself to write this essay," is actually something I told myself a few times in college, but it's not something I'd bother trying to tell someone else, because if you think you're neurotypical that sounds very insane. So I'd lie and say I forgot, or I'd take the fail, or I'd simply drop out of the class. Crucially I would not fight with the authority figure who was questioning me about it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself, and I'd just end up getting in more trouble for longer.

Our culture is structured for neurotypicals, and it's not even structured for all neurotypicals. Behavior that deviates from Approved Neurotypical even when you think you are Approved Neurotypical is highly punishable. So if your options are passivity, even when passivity leads to pain, or confrontation, most people who aren't Approved Neurotypical will opt for passivity once they've had a taste of where confrontation leads. I know I do.

And the thing is, there's nothing actually wrong with that. It's a strategy calculated to minimize pain. Even when I'm firing on all cylinders on a fresh dose of Adderall, I still generally let fights go unless there will be actual real consequences, because it's just not worth it. But knowing we have ADHD and knowing we fall into this pattern, I think it is good to be aware that sometimes letting a fight go is really going to fuck you, and at that point even being bad at it is better than not engaging.

I'm pretty good at calculating those, but it's a lifelong process, knowing which hills to die on when you assume you will automatically die if you ever get above sea level.

[cactusyogurt]

Fugo's vent

I really didn't know what to name this, but this sums up what this is pretty good

Hurt/no confort

Abbacchio and Fugo interacting, it's not a ship

One-shot with 826 words, so it's a quick read

I hope you like it!

p.s: English isn't my first language and it's my first time writing something like this in English. I apologize for any mistakes. Plus I'm still learning how to use tumblr.

----------------------------------------------------------

Another figure came out of the restaurant behind him, the one where his team gathered from time to time, but he didn't notice that until the person sat by his side.

It was nighttime, Fugo was sitting on the sidewalk with his feet on the road, looking at the sky. Narancia had already gone home and Pannacotta had said that he would do the same thing and yet, he didn't. He was there just concentrating on his breathing and looking at the stars that shined in the sky above him.

"Are you alright?" Abbacchio asked, lighting up a cigarette and putting it in his mouth. From this action alone, Fugo was able to conclude that Bucciarati had already gone home, his leader never particularly liked the smell of cigarettes, so the white-haired man refrained from smoking when he was present.

Fugo looked to the sky again, before muttering a simple "no" as the answer to the previous question.

"Well,..." Abbacchio started, blowing smoke out of his mouth "I don't need to be home early, you can talk to me if you want. I know that you usually prefere Bucciarati for this kind of stuff. "

The blond laughed awkwardly. It was true, the two of them weren't really close before that point. They had started developing a bond of some sorts, as they had been doing missions that their leader didn't like behind his back."I...I am scared, Abbacchio" he said with a shaking voice, as all the emotions he had been bottling up that night wanted to come out of his mouth with that affirmation. "You saw what happened today, Narancia asked me for math lessons and I agreed to teach him. I like being recognized but sometimes, when I lose my temper, I'm afraid he regrets asking me. I want to keep my patience intact! God knows how I want that! B-But" Fugo started stuttering, tears were already forming in his eyes "I can't control myself. If I can't control myself when teaching math to a colleague that struggles with it, hence why he asked me in the first place, I won't control myself in more serious stuff. I'm a danger to the team, if I keep acting like this. Sometimes I wish Bucciarati never accepted me in the first place, I'm usele-"

The younger wasn't able to finish that sentence as he was pulled into a tight hug, his face being pressed into the other's chest, so he wasn't able to see the ex-cop's face at the time. He heard a long sigh from above and the cigarette was put out.

"You're being to hard on yourself, kid." Leone started patting his head, he really wasn't made for calming people down but he was trying his best "If you were truly useless, Bucciarati wouldn't care to recruit you. If you were a danger, Narancia wouldn't keep asking you for help, he is strong, you know. He knows how to fucking defend himself, and sometimes he annoys you just because he wants to, so he isn't just a poor, helpless soul. He values your help" the older took a breath, thinking about what he would say next "And you are valuable to me too. Sure your stand can be a danger to ourselves, but he helps a lot in missions. I trust you with my life, did you know that? That's why I keep doing this missions with you. Also, you remind me of myself a bit, I like having someone on the team I can relate to- woah there, watch out for my clothes" he said jokingly, as he felt wet tears in his clothes and on his bare skin.

Fugo looked up smiling a bit, while tears were still rolling down his cheeks "So now we have to people feeling a parental role in our team hm?" he laughed as the other punched him softly on the shoulder.

"Very funny of you, son" he laughed, before getting up and helping the other do the same thing "You need to go to sleep now, tomorrow we got shit to do and I do not tolerate you being late, ok?" Fugo nodded positively.

"Goodnight, Abbacchio"

"Goodnight."

Weeks have passed since he left the team, and now Fugo is waking up ugly crying, again. He misses the team. He hates the fact that he has been dreaming about moments he had with them almost every night. What he hates the most is that they are probably dead. Abbacchio is probably dead, and he can't even know for sure, he just feels that this is correct. The ex-mafioso hugs his pillow, crying to it. God, how he wishes he could go back in time and relieve this moments one last time, memorize them perfectly to make up for the lack of their presence. He was right after all, he ended up being useless to Bucciarati's final goal, and that feels him with guilt every day.

[mofieroll]

You Too (Jotaro Kujo x Fem!Reader)

Inspired from my in-character interaction with @mistaeq! Dedicated to them for motivating me to write! 💛

A Post!SDC Jotaro x Reader one shot where you bond with Holly, who you call Seiko, and pamper your man Jotaro.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Trauma

Word Count: 3k

Two years have passed since the events of the Crusaders' trip to Egypt to save the life of Holly Kujo from being taken by her own Stand. To say that the trip was memorable is an understatement. It was too memorable. The memories of built friendships and increased attachments in just a span of fifty days were unbearable, for fate made the surviving comrades of the group pay for all the joyous moments with the pain of death and eternal separation.

It was hard. Painful. Frightening. Heartbreaking.

It was excruciatingly traumatizing, that even the boy who appeared to be unbothered and distant, the boy who put an end to the cold-blooded century old vampire's curse, couldn't deny it.

Jotaro Kujo couldn't get away from the memories of his dying friends, and so, the supposed flashbacks became inescapable nightmares.

But fortunately, that was until you came.

You met Jotaro a month after he came back from his trip. The meeting was a mere coincidence as you were a year lower than him, you personally did not and had no intentions of getting to know him. It just so happened that Holly or Seiko, his mother, came across your small shop that sold self-designed accessories made from recycled materials. You had told her you search and pick the materials —mostly trash— yourself, which certainly piqued the woman's interest and told you, “Is that right? I have a son, and don't tell him I told you this, but he loves marine animals! It seems you are both fond of nature so I'm sure you'll get along— Oh! I'm sorry dear, we haven't introduced ourselves! I'm Holly Kujo, but you can call me Seiko~”. She was a sweetheart, so you saw no harm in accepting her offer that led you to become a close acquaintance of the Kujo Family.

Much to the matchmaker's Seiko's dismay, it took a year for you and Jotaro to confess that your platonic feelings are in need of a level up. She is Jotaro's mother and your first Kujo friend, of course she'd notice if something was up between you and Jotaro that you both refused to talk about! When you finally re-introduced yourself as Jotaro's.. cough.. girlfriend, Seiko was delighted and decided to treat her second favorite couple (next to her parents Joseph and Suzie) to a nice romantic dinner! The unplanned date embarrassed Jotaro, but he endured it as it gave a good start for the new level of your relationship with him.

Until then, Jotaro became more and more protective. You found it sweet knowing that your boyfriend, former acquaintance, cares about you and shows affection in ways you quite expected for a forbearing man like him. He's not a man of words nor materialistic gifts but a man of straightforward actions— yet he remained mysterious.

Jotaro has been avoiding you since the week has started. He distanced himself yet guarded you as you walked home after class everyday. Everytime you tried to catch him, he's nowhere to be seen. You started to get frustrated, and you know you wouldn't get any explanation even if you corner him and face him alone.

Seiko called you today and asked if you could have dinner wih them, which you excitedly agreed to because you were actually on the way to the Kujo household, a paper bag —which contained your newly designed rings and necklace— in hand.

With Seiko greeting you outside their gates, you entered their traditional mansion and told her about the happenings from the previous days. Even with the mention of Jotaro's sudden actions, Seiko chatted with you nonchalantly.

“Dear, you know my boy would do things that can be a little too unexpected even for me,” Seiko stated, “But if there's one thing or two that I can assure of, is that he means no harm..” You stopped in your tracks as she faced you and tucked your hair behind your ear, smiling, “And he cares for you, [Y/N]. I think, that may be his way of showing it!” Seiko spoke with softness, hopeful that her words would reach you and get rid of any confusion that would spark a misunderstanding on her stoic son's intentions.

You smiled back at Seiko with teary eyes, touched by her comfort. You pulled out the necklace from your paper bag and showed it to her, quietly telling her that it's your gift, only to receive an enthusiastic squeal and hug before you locked the accessory around her neck.

“It looks perfect on you Seiko! I wonder if I'd be as beautiful as you when I reach your age..” You sighed and pouted at Seiko, holding the paper bag on your middle.

“Oh, you!” Seiko playfully hit you as you both giggled, “You shouldn't say such things to a middle aged woman, [Y/N]! I might believe you!” Seiko joked while you insisted that you're sincere about your compliment.

Your chat continued on until she told you to run along and check on her boy, not forgetting to tease that Jotaro misses you. You face warmed in pink, which Seiko found so cute that she had to pinch your cheeks. With her positive and welcoming presence, your determination to face Jotaro fueled.

Seiko informed you that she'll be preparing dinner. You replied, “Mhm! I'll drag Jotaro and we'll meet you here at the dining room! Is that okay?”

“Okay~!”

—

Meanwhile Jotaro, who hasn't come out of his room the whole day, heard you and Seiko pass by. He was sitting in the far corner of his room but the combined voices of yours and his mother's particularly blasted through his ears. He's.. happy.. that you're both safe and sound.. but— why are you here? You should be at home! Did something happen? Did someone bother you? Wait.. did you come here alone? Didn't he tell you even before that you shouldn't go out at night? What if.. what if something happened to you? What if someone showed up and.. and took you away? Took you somewhere.. he can't reach.. What if his dreams were to happen? What if—

Knock! Knock!

Jotaro's sweating face turned to look at his door as his breathing became more unsteady. His eyes widened, brows clashed, and his mouth was agape, gasping for more air. His fists were clenched and he was trembling, who's knocking? Who's trying to get him again?

“Kujo?”

Jotaro stopped breathing for a second while his body still trembled. The voice that called him held sweetness and concern in it but he was still in a dark trance. What if someone's trying to deceive him?

“Seiko called me, may I come in?”

His widened eyes calmed, turning his tormented expression into one of those longingness. His shuddering arm reached out as he subconsciously stood and walked towards his shut door. His cold hand gripped the handle.. but he didn't have the slightest strength to pull it himself. What is he doing? He can't face anyone like this, especially..

On the other side of Jotaro's door was you, with a hand that also gripped the cold handle, waiting for the right timing to enter. Your heartbeat has increased its pace, indicating your uptight feeling of facing him after not seeing him for over a week. You were nervous and a short flashback of your first meeting with Jotaro popped up in your mind. Has it really been two years?

Jotaro never directly told you of his.. episodes. But, there were times where you just happened to observe that whenever you were late on your meeting, he immediately scoops you in a hug while he trembles; or whenever you randomly visit him on weekends and you enter his room only with a knock, he abruptly charges at you with his folded fist stopping inches from your worried face. He didn't tell you about what's haunting him, not even once. Yes, you were undeniably frustrated by him avoiding you, but you love him well enough to have the willingness to act up whilst having patience.

You waited for more minutes before speaking again, “I'm gonna enter now, alright?” You assured, carefully sliding the door behind you and turning on the light switch after you entered.

Your eyes wandered after it adjusted to the lit room, locking on the form of a slouched man in the corner, sitting with a knee up that had his arm and head resting on it while his other knee was folded. You quietly sighed and walked close to him, hiding the impatience to throw yourself at him and pepper him with kisses, mumbling i missed yous. You would have done it, but that kind of affection.. goes for later.

You sat beside Jotaro and placed the paper bag on your side. You weren't too close nor too far from him, just enough to have your hand caress his messy dark hair. You loved seeing him without his hat, seeing his flawless face be shadowless. But if he took it off, the reason is either he's agitated or.. sleep. There was a time when you told him that he should take off his hat indoors and a time you tried to take it off yourself, but he completely ignored you at both and kept the hat on.

“How are you?” You asked without expecting a reply. It was to make him acknowledge your presence, and that is because you didn't know that he's been waiting for you to come in since the moment he heard your voice.

Jotaro wanted to answer. He wanted to lock you in his arms and.. say sorry. He wanted to apologize for neglecting you but— how is he going to do that without telling you too much?

“Why the f*ck did my mother call you? I don't need any help. That b*tch.”

There it is, his method of putting up a tough facade, the swearing that would prompt anybody to think that he needs no help. It worked on you once, but you're not just anybody to him now.

“Mhm. Seiko checked up on me while I was heading home from.. somewhere. She invited me for dinner,” You informed. You didn't want to tell him that you were on your way here even before Seiko called you, knowing full well that he's against you ‘roaming’ at night alone.

You continued to comb through his hair as he answered, “For real [Y/N], I'm fine. Leave. I don't need you to stay here— or.. or something.”

Your hand lowered to his upper back and started to rub circles, “Would you look at me and say that again, Kujo?” you asked in a slightly teasing tone, trying to light up the mood.

You started humming a soft melody, a melody that somehow always soothed Jotaro. The first time you hummed it was when you were cooking dinner for him and Seiko wasn't home. He got into a fight that day and he was abnormally quiet, not the usual, resulting to a tension between the two of you. You hummed the melody to ease the atmosphere, and when you were placing his plate on the table, he suddenly grabbed your wrist and muttered an apology before he told you to ‘keep doing’ what you were doing. The melody was just random, so you did your best to remember its tone and hum it whenever you both need comfort.

And this time, he was soothed again, but he isn't going to be swayed so easily even if he wants to.

“F*cking go away.” He huffs, “You're just like the annoying b*tch. Leave me alone.”

No, stay. He stated in his mind the complete opposite of what came out of his mouth. Of course you didn't leave and continued to hum and rub circles on his back. He may be one of the harshest men you've met, but you have a counter for that. Well.. you're stubborn.

He remembered what you said about heading home from.. somewhere. Where was that? “Where were you coming from?” He asked in a demanding tone.

“Doesn't matter where I was, Kujo. You're still not looking at me.” You retreated your hand from his back and crawled to sit in front of him in crossed legs before placing your hands on his large ones, “I wouldn't mind being like Seiko, although..” You squeezed the top of his hands, bowed your body and peeked at his face where your warm [E/C] eyes met his tired yet enchanting aquamarines. Your lips quirked into a small smile, “You wouldn't want your partner to be your second mother, would you?”

Partner?

Jotaro looked at you blankly, not realizing how close your faces were, “You're still worrying about me too much, I'm fine. I'm.. I'm just remembering..” You straightened and held his cheeks, gently pulling up his face before standing on your knees. You shifted your hand and cupped his face, delicately looking at him to encourage him to speak.

In that moment where he's putting his toughness down, you've completely set aside the issue from the past week. The thoughts that Jotaro might've had enough of you because he thinks you're oblivious to his personal issues— all gone. Holly's words echoed through your mind. Mother truly knows best.

“Egypt.. friends dyi—” Jotaro cut his words and sighed deeply, “..all of it is hitting hard. You won't understand.”

You bit your bottom lip and nodded. He's right, you would not be able to understand, but that's temporary. It'll take more time for him but you're willing to wait, “I.. dream of you..” He swallows the lump in his throat while you wipe the sweat forming on his temple, “I dream of you dying too.”

With that, you were able to catch on more of what happened before you came in his life. People close to him died. People who he probably traveled with.. might have died right before him.. or not. And now he's being haunted, probably by the guilt or by the experience itself. You're still skeptical, but it's considerably clear now.

Your eyes that looked at your hand which wiped his bead of sweat shifted to his eyes, and you saw fear. He was frightened, not only by the past, but also by the possibility that he might lose you too.

You retreated your hands and sat on your legs as you and Jotaro continued to communicate through your eyes. Your heart was thumping fast against your chest, now of sympathy.

“Jotaro, I..”

This time, you threw yourself at him. Arms snaking around his neck, your face buried on his shoulder. You wrapped him in a tight hug as it took him time to return the affection, wrapping his arms around your back and pulling you even closer as he closed his eyes and basked his head on yours. You and Jotaro savored the hug for a while, not thinking about anything else aside being in each other's arms.

“I'm here.. and I'm telling you that I'll be here to love you longer than that delinquent head of yours expected.”

You broke the hug gently, a hand shifting to cup his cheek while you also reached for the paper bag. Jotaro opened his eyes as he felt you fix his sitting position so you could sit —with crossed legs— on his thighs, laying your back on his chest.

“See this?” You lifted the paper bag with both hands, giving Jotaro the chance to once again wrap his arms around your waist. He doesn't mind giving in to your touch as of now.

Jotaro grunted, “Inside this lovely recycled and eco-friendly paper bag are things that.. uhm.. how do I introduce it..” You slowly placed your head on his shoulder, putting the bag down between your legs. You contemplated as you stared on the wooden ceiling, “I know! The things.. consider it as our promise to each other, Kujo. Am I clear? Yep, I'm clear!”

Jotaro clicked his tounge in annoyance as you lifted your head from his shoulder when he was about to rest his head against yours. Why can't he just cuddle you without you moving too much? Can't you and him just cuddle in peace?

You shifted again, now face to face with him. You acted surprise when you saw his furrowed brow, “Oh? Kujo is annoyed with the mighty [L/N]?”

“Just get it over with, woman.” Jotaro supported your back with an arm, watching you as you struggled to hold his free hand with one of yours. You had set aside the paper bag, the things in it now hidden in your other hand.

When you finally settled with wrapping your small hand around his palm so his fingers were loose, you smiled up at him and swiftly leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose. Jotaro turned away, snorting to at least lessen his flustered state. Where is his hat now that he practically needs it?

Jotaro felt a cold thing graze his skin, along with what seems to be two fingers pushing the thing on his. He glanced and saw you inserting a ring on his pinky with a serious face. You were glaring at his hand, your smile only returning when you successfully inserted the ring.

You let go of his hand and was about to wear the other ring yourself when he grabbed your wrist, snatched the ring and easily inserted the accessory on your pinky, all of it with only one hand as his other arm was still supporting you.

You were taken aback, ready to question him when he pulled you into a bridal position and locked your upper body with his arms within a second. You chuckled instead of saying a thing, wrapping your arms around his torso.

“Keen for a cuddle, huh, Kujo?”

“Good grief. You're one brave woman to challenge me.”

As you and Jotaro became ignorant to your surroundings, a flash of a camera resided from the slightly opened door, the sound being followed by a muffled kyaaah! which, with no doubt, came from the adorably giddy mother of the impatient man in your arms.

[End!]

[pundergrad]

*dial-up noises as I try to remember what I was about to post*

*discards post, scrolls back up dash a little to trigger brain to Remember using context*

*restarts post*

This is gonna be a vent-y, and I don't know how to insert a cut on mobile posts.

It's so strange to try and accept that people don't find me annoying. My whole life, I've been the Quiet One, the Weird One, because I often felt like what I had to say didn't matter. That there was always someone who knew Better, or knew More than I did, so I should just be quiet and listen.

Also, I'm the youngest of four kids, so of course I grew up with the privilege of being the baby in the family. I was aware that my siblings disliked that part of the family dynamic, and ever since I started high school I'd tried to give them space, to cool off on being the Odd kid around them. Turns out, me trying to act all Cool and Normal was probably partly responsible for this weird distance I feel from all of them. But I feel like this distance is only coming from me; they seem, for the most part, Normal.

I wound up relying on my friends to be happy, and for a long time I forgot how to Be with my closest sibling. We went our separate ways, socially, even though we're still under the same roof. It didn't help that our interests and personalities strayed even further apart. Recently, the two of us have taken little steps to reach out to each other, to try and find our way back. I've found that after all these years, we still share most of our sense of humour, and agree on issues like mental health and how our parents messed us up a little, despite having good intentions.

All this to say, I've never really known how to express difficult feelings. I only ever seem capable of doing so after a long and tiring battle to repress these feelings, which usually surface in one way or another. I was easily frustrated as a child, and would lash out because that's what I observed as being a suitable reaction. Then my sense of empathy grew as I did, and I turned those frustrations on myself.

Questions like, "Why am I so useless?" "Why can't I do this like everyone else?" and thoughts like "This is my fault" and "I should deal with this on my own" and "I don't need to upset others with my issues" became my internal monologue for these feelings. After all, my parents seemed incapable of having mature conversations about feelings; that was obvious from the way they treated my siblings' issues. They would treat every minor slight as if any of my siblings 'weren't thinking (about consequences)', so I trained myself to only ever think of how my actions affected others. I would do anything to try and always keep others happy. It seemed like that was the only way to be Good. To show I was Smart, and that I Cared.

This last week has been a rollercoaster, but I'm starting to realise that's not true at all. Of course we should try to spread happiness to others, but not at the expense of ourselves. I can still be Good, and Smart, and Caring, when I express to others what I Care about even if it hurts. But after so long trying to go unnoticed, and trying to lessen other people's worries about me, I realise I've stopped acting like I have any feelings at all. It's no wonder that my pre-covid social hangouts felt so stilted and exhausting. I was spending all my time Thinking when I should have just let myself Feel, let myself Be.

I've spent my entire self-aware life trying to get people to Like me, to Tolerate me, because on the rare occasion that I said something strange, the damage felt irreversible. I knew I was Weird. All that time, I struggled to believe that people might like Me. So I tried to be Funny, Silly - I was always around to Listen to other's feelings and Sympathise. I know now that not allowing myself that same relief was my issue all along.

So I feel annoying when I ask my friends questions about homework, vent my annoyance with some small issue, or spam dms with jokes or memes I find funny. But I'm trying to be better about handling those feelings. Every little interaction that puts a little bit of Me into their lives isn't going to make them upset with me. It just lets them know how I'm feeling, and then they can relate to me as a person rather than some stoic entity because everyone has feelings, and we all want to feel understood.

TLDR;

[speculative-scintillation]

O2: Goals

Dear stranger,

I had an appointment with my doctor today about getting referred to a different psychiatrist, during which I found our that she is currently undergoing training in how to identify and handle mental health problems that patient who come in might have that they need to either act about or accommodate. And while she was enthusiastically discussing the things she was learning with my parents, who know less, she mentioned the thing all we mentally ill people hear over and over, "it's about setting goals".

So when I got home, after I'd complained about the interaction for long enough, I got to a point where I was no longer annoyed about the whole situation and cold actually think about it. And I started my thinking by writing the word "Goals" in green own on the top of a notebook page. Only I wrote the word in a weird way and it ended up looking like it said "Gods".

And I'm finding an unexpected depth to the coincidence in thinking about all the ways that the ways of gods and the goals of humans overlap and where they conflict. There are entire genres of literature dedicated to that relationship. Roman mythology is nothing else. God's were once subject to the folly if man. Likewise and yet unlkewise, man many a times has ascended to godhood. Look only to the Pharos of Egypt. And many gods have been slain, either by other gods, their own children, or by humans who are also very much their children.

It is the recognition that godhood has been the goal of many throughout history, and manhood the equally great and terrifying goal of that which will follow us. The things to which we will fancy ourselves as gods over.

It also got me thinking about how the goal of being a god relates to me, and traversing my immediate emotional response of repulsion to the thought. I do not want to be a god in that I don't want to be responsible for other people and their actions. That's a lot of work. But it's also a lot of opportunity to make the world a better place. So I asked again with that phrasing, "if I had the power to help everyone, would I be God?"... And I don't have an answer to that new question.

If I had the power to help everyone, would I be God? Are those the conditions that the current god, whatever it may be, accepted? Because it doesn't seem like the current God is doing a lot of help these days. Then again, plagues have happened before and been worse, and strikes have happened before and been deadly, so maybe things are getting better. Maybe God is helping, just not on an individual level. God is helping everyone as a collective and the process is taking a very long time. In that capacity, yes, I would be God. So why are the people as a whole so much easier than people as individuals? I guess because statistics happens that way and the good is a lot easier to plot and to track and the outlying individuals are easier to ignore. But if you hear every voice every day, the outliers are everything.

I suppose we're in the heat of that realization, though one could argue we always have been and I would believe them. Now is a time that what is good for the whole and what is good for the individual people within that whole are greatly at odds, and the outliers seem to be winning. Maybe looking at every one (two words) all of the time, isn't actually serving everyone (one word) most of the time. I guess, that's what government, and God, should do. As much as I hate being treated like a statistic, maybe that is better. Not to say that the individual should be lost either. I guess that this is the seesaw behind all politics. And apparently it is also behind all religion. And all science. And literate.

Everything exists in the dichotomy of individual and society, of government and society, and of God and society. Of one and whole. If the universe itself is God even physics and science is the dichotomy of man and the universe. Everything we as humans experience, is enwrapped somehow in this misformed word on the top of my page.

And now, almost an hour later, I have come no closer to figuring out what my goals in life are and I have written nothing else on this paper. And I don't think I'm going to tonight, so I will approach the task again in the morning.

P.S. If the universe itself is god, is it even aware of us? Or are we like the billions of bacteria within it's gut? People are mostly bacteria, and yet we cannot perceive them, at least not individually. A disease has to spread to be noticed. Are acts of good fortune merely the action of a divine beings immune system? That might imply that God itself is a member of a species which evolved from something. It creates an entire other universe around our universe, and perhaps it implies one within us. I do enjoy things which are recursive.

But now it is Time for bed.