#I'm in moderate pain but less pain than I was in yesterday

[chicago-geniza]

Well, it's that time again, folks. Shitting Blood Sunday :)

[sunspill]

Hi I'd like to take back every nice thing I said about my surgeon.

This is a venty and /lengthy/ post about my experience with an accelerated emergency hysterectomy (<2wks from diagnosis to surgery). I'm adding a cut in case medical stuff is triggering for anyone or if you're like "I've heard enough outta you about doctors" (understandable).

I'm struggling to sleep rn in a hospital room so I'm venting to distract while I wait for my nurse to check in with me about more morphine.

So my gyn and my surgeon are the same person, an OBGYN in San Francisco. He was the only would who could see me after multiple ER and 2 urgent care visits for severe pain in my abdomen. Eventually the ER orders an ultrasound. a surprise vaginal ultrasound that I was not informed would involve insertion of the wand into my vagina until the tech told me to take off my underwear. They had told me it would be a stomach ultrasound to look for masses. I'm still... unhappy about this. It hurt and the tech was like "all women get these its fine". Anyway, I had one moderately large fibroid and possibly scar tissue and smaller masses.

Sidenote: I'm not sure if i have ever felt being viewed as less than human more in the ER. Downplaying my symptoms, telling me the ER doesn't dispense pain medication (which they later did multiple times), that fibroids don't cause any pain, accusations of drug-seeking, and multiple insinuations that I was pregnant or otherwise lying. One such accusation was a question posed to my partner about if we ever had threesomes with men or if maybe I cheated on them and contracted pregnancy or STD. Oh and when I got diagnosed they didn't say "it's fibroids" they said "there's at least one tumor in your uterus" like ! Why would they say it like that?? Every nurse was pissed to be there and I strongly believed one of them hard painful pricked me in my wrist instead of my elbow because they were annoying I was sobbing in the room outside the nurses lounge. When my partner confronted them about that choice they were like "well we can remove it but you won't get fluids or meds then". It hurt for 2 days afterwards. I had been to urgent care and the er previous to this and had no issues with the inner elbow.

I called gynos all over the place but no one else except this doctor, lets say... Dr Yan, could see me within 3 weeks. My PCP refused to provide pain management and I had been out of work for a week and half, returning to the ER multiple times because I was screaming in pain for hours. The ER would prescribe a small amount of prescription pain killers, I would try to make them stretch, and then I would have to return to the ER. I was bedridden from pain. Planned Parenthood couldn't help with treatment but told me based on the ER imaging I might have adenomyosis, for which the only "cure" would be to remove my uterus, removing just fibroid is much more difficult with adenomyosis.

So I was desperate and Dr Yan was willing to do a hysterectomy as well as willing to push my insurance company to get it done fast as I was pulling no income - I ran out of PTO after a week of calling out. I felt I needed it fast and it started to hurt more whenever I ate or drank. He somehow got it moved to yesterday.

But he was awful. He wouldn't give specific answers to my questions, he barely walked me through what the procedure entailed after my partner pressed harder, and kept saying it is a very common procedure that is easy and not painful.

He lied to me, saying I'd be home the same day and a nerve blocker administered during surgery would keep me numb for two days. The recovery nurse told me that's not true. He insisted that pain would be minimal and his patients were fine with otc pain management. He said it needed to be abdominal, which I have since learned is not the case and is the most painful and longest recovery time for hysterectomy

The only thing he reiterated and talked about was how I would be unable to get pregnant, which was the only thing I *already* knew. 

He did one physical exam during initial appt which was pushing on my abdomen, ordered no additional imaging or appts, and literally disappeared into another room while my back was turned signing forms. I had to sit in the waiting room for another 20 minutes to get him to sign insurance and leave of work papers.

He was 20 min late to my pre-op appt and his office had no idea why. he performed a pelvis exam on me, externally and then inserted his fingers into my vagina for an internal exam without telling me. I had never had a pelvic exam before. It hurt enough bc he did not use lubrication. My partner confronted him angrily and he said he knows what he's doing and the exam was over anyway. He told me again the surgery would be simple.

I woke up screaming in observation, where i was given Tylenol. The surgical nurse lied to me and said they had already called my partner. After an hour of pain they moved me to a recovery room, where I had access to my phone and called my partner, who had not been contacted and rushed over. I was alone and crying out in pain.

The nurse told me that they could only give me Tylenol because Dr Yan had left the hospital without putting in orders for me aka authorizing use of moderate to severe controlled painkillers. They said as soon as they could get him on the phone they could give me something for the pain because I had been given 4 grams of Tylenol and couldn't have more. Dr Yan never answered the phone.

I am not joking when I say this next part, because I was able to track the time through my chart just now to get exact numbers and times. I came out of surgery no later than 800am. In a recovery room by 9. I screamed, absolutely not an exaggeration, I was crying out and sobbing and could not think, I was sweating and my entire body was shaking. I was dry heaving and spitting up bile, which made the pain worse. I don't remember anything except the pain, although apparently i did say some funny things to my partner coming down from the general anesthesia (thought we were in grocery outlet).

At 2:14 the hospitalist gave up calling and admitted me, transferring care away from Dr Yan. At 4:45pm they administered a very lose dose of morphine, and I finally stopped screaming. It was still very painful, and my partner timed me - I would sleep for 1-7 minutes, then wake up crying out in pain for 3-10min, repeat. The nurse told me I would receive stronger pain management when I had a room.

At 430pm they transfered me to my room, which involved the transport guy hitting my bed against the counter. The transfer from bed to bed was so jolting I started screaming again, which lasted until 445pm, when they administered triple the dose of morphine given earlier.

This has been the most painful experience of my life. The Dr said no more morphine and would administer those opiate pills cut w ibuprofen or whatever. They would give me just enough to cut my pain back from 10 to 6/7, then make me wait until 10, then make me wait crying out in pain while they got the dr to put in an order for more. It was like reps of a gym set except the absolute worst pain based version.

Around 6pm, my partner advocated aggressively as my pain was only receding to a 8 or 9 and I could no longer nap or drink water due to the pain. My muscles were so clenched I tore my paper gown. The nurse (who had seen all of this go down and was b attentive) recommended to the dr that I receive straight oxycodeine via IV. My doctor, who saw me once when i was transfered which consisted of introducing himself, said I didn't need such a strong medicine and I should take tramadol instead.

The tramadol had almost no effect, and I was then told I couldn't have the oxy because I had gotten the tramadol instead. By 630 I was at a 10 and screaming again. The dr ordered a lidocaine patch (no effect).

At 655 a new dr replaced the previous and immediately ordered dilaudid. My pain finally dropped to a 5.

At 830pm guess who fuckin shows up in my room. Dr Yan, who's like "you don't seem in pain" SIR I HAD SO MANY DRUGS INSIDE ME AND I WSS STILL AT A 5. And I needed two people to get me to the bathroom (5 ft away). He shows me a picture of the biggest mass, says I'm fine, offers no explanation for why he fucked me over so badly, and leaves. I should have demanded information but my throat hurt from crying and screaming and I had only slept 2 hrs in the previous 2 days.

The recovery nurse apologized profusely to me and said she believed he had been grossly negligent. The anaesthesiologist came and told me my body eats painkillers and anesthesia with a strong natural tolerance, and that some of the refusal to give more or stronger dosages was probably because doctors basically read charts, and would see that I had been administered a lot already. They would then decide that was enough based on what they believed to be averagely appropriate. Even tho I have it documented from his hospice ICU care notes that my dad had a similar tolerance. The recovery nurse agreed as she had been observing me, administering the meds, and see my-clearly-caused -by -pain symptoms continue.

The night nurses and doctors have been better. I got some more morphine just now, and a sleep aid that didn't work but I appreciate they tried to address that issue.

Anyway jeez if you read everything you deserve a medal. My memory has been very poor due to drugs and pain so I've been trying to work out a timeline of what happened. I know it's kind of a baby thing because no one attacked me and I don't seem to have surgical complications and after all this the hospital is sending me home with opiates, but I feel kinda shell shocked. It felt crazy to be lying in the hospital screaming in pain for hours and hours just for someone to come in every hour and say their hands were tied even tho the hospital is the only place for strong pain relief that isnt like, street fet. I removed an organ, I knew it would hurt, but I've never in my life experienced anything like that. It was worse than all other pain I've had combined. I thought i was going to die.

Anyway the nurse is giving me Ativan! I hope to rest now. Cross your fingers for me and stay away from DR YUAN DA FAN OBGYN SUTTER HEALTH SAN FRANCISCO.

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

First day at work I don't have a booking in two straight weeks, which means it may also be the first day at work I leave less than an hour late...

Of course I started the day with a 20 min nosebleed, and my heartrate is being fucky again.

And yesterday my doctors said my Ehlers Danlos referral was rejected by Rheumatology because "pain in joints with hypermobility is normal, affects 3.4% of the population, and we can just treat you for that". MY GUY. EDS IS NOT JUST HYPERMOBILITY. Ignoring that actually knowing what the fuck is wrong with me is sorta paramount to my mental health, you know who else needs a diagnosis or they don' believe anything is wrong? The government. Y'know, who give me the benefits that I live on so I don't starve to death (well, the latter is arguable given what I get but)

I *may* have gone on a rant about being passed from pillar to post and hopefully my doctor is gonna try and argue my case, especially given both my physio and the chronic fatigue clinic specifically requested this referral... I expect as per fucking always I'll slip through the cracks like everything else.

I'm so sick of this underfunded NHS I wish they'd stop cutting money to it, at its best this service is phenominal and on certain areas of my health I can't fault it, especially A&E when my heart has been shit.

I keep looking at private healthcare but on disability benefits with barely part time work as it is (and I'm only just about breaking even with work too, I don't make a profit but I do it to keep me sane more than anything) I have no money to go private- even if my health costs me my life, I have no choice but to waste my energy on gaslighting doctors and services that want nothing to do with complex comorbid physical illnesses and disability. My ME/CFS has gone from Mild to Moderate-to-Severe in large part entirely down to this bullshit.

Gods I hope something changes before this fucking kills me. I'm just so fucking tired...

Rant over

[aladaylessecondblog]

The Birth (Faal Hah Wuld prequel)

Author's Note: tw childbirth, new mother fears, reasonable amount of symbolism.

Sadrith is born during her mother's latest trip through Morrowind with the khajiit caravan.

------------------------

Kogolanu had been feeling ill at ease for weeks now. Cramped, inclined to keep walking after they'd made camp for the night. The weight gain she blamed for that - how that had happened she wasn't sure. They were always on the road, and it wasn't as if she ate too much when they DID stop. The nix-hound jerky and ash-hopper stew surely wouldn't...

The rain started, and knowing they were going to stop anyway, knowing of a cave nearby that would suit for shelter, she told Rass Le. He seemed to agree, and looking skyward, said, "This one would rather not see the dark moons...or for the dark moons to see him."

The eclipse, yes. She'd learned a lot from them over the years they had let her travel with them, including their views on the eclipses. The Urshilaku did not waste time debating on what it meant, only that it made hunting less easy. More dangerous. Hunting in the dark--

A ripple of pain moved over her stomach and radiated into her back as she lead them into the cave, which was lined at the entrance with mushrooms. She schooled her expression, though, and looking around, was careful to place a lightning rune just inside after she had gotten everyone inside.

The pains only worsened over time as she got the stew ready and everyone began to eat. She barely finished half a bowl before needing to sit back.

"Are you unwell?" Rawla spoke now, tilting her head just slightly.

"Cramped," Kogolanu said. She lay back, breathing hard. "I think we didn't cook those mushrooms long enough yesterday. I'm..."

Another wave of pain.

It was Rawla who stayed with her, and after the fourth and fifth instances of pain, the cat finally asked, "When we stopped in Blacklight, did you...partake of the whores?"

"No. No, of course not. I don't--I never did. Why do you ask?"

Rawla didn't respond for a few minutes. Not until the next wave of pain.

"Perhaps you drank too much, and simply don't remember."

Kogolanu was sure she hadn't. She didn't generally drink to excess, and aside from a little partaking in moon sugar didn't hold with mind-altering substances either.

"Please--why do you ask?"

"Lift your skirts."

Kogolanu obeyed, and after only a moment's look Rawla looked back up, "This one is sorry she must be the one to inform you...but you are giving birth."

Her face paled.

"That's not possible," she said, "I've gone through my...my change. I've not bled for months. This--this isn't--"

A fresh wave of pained echoed through her body, as if to refute her claim.

She hadn't bedded a man in years. She'd always been moderate in her consumption of alcohol. And she'd always considered herself infertile - two hundred years of marriage and not one child had ever exited her womb. Her husband had been dead nearly a hundred years now, and she had not yet met any man who either stirred her heart or were appealing enough to join in marriage with. Who, she had wondered, would have her anyway?

Rawla had birthed several of her own children, and so was a great help. Something for her to lean back on, instructions to push. Water for her to drink, sweat, wiped from her brow.

Kogolanu's thoughts soon turned to the child itself. Welcome, yes. She had always wanted a child, a little one to coo over, to cuddle, to tell the traditions and stories of the Urshilaku as she saw other mothers do. Now her chance...

...another pain. She cringed, and felt a sudden dampness.

"Your waters," Rawla said, "Your labor will begin in earnest soon."

"Under the dark moons," Rass Le said, from the smoldering campfire nearby, "If this child were a khajiit, we might now be--"

A stronger pain came now, worse than all the rest. Kogolanu practically screamed, interrupted Rass Le--and DID scream when the next contraction struck.

She felt weak through it all, so very, very weak, but still the time passed and Rawla kept praising her for the progress she was making. The others would bring over things to Rawla as needed, but the things they said went unnoticed. When Kogolanu wasn't pained, she was transfixed by the bob and weave of the shadows that the fire was casting. Those of the khajiit were there, and yet there was one other, too...

...one that almost seemed to turn in her direction, waiting, watchful.

Kogolanu feared for a moment that she was dying, hallucinating perhaps. She feared she would pass and leave her child alone--not that she did not trust these khajiit who had come to be her friends, but she did not want the child to have no mother to shield her from the hate she would surely face from a life among the cats.

A final wave of pain, a push, and then a cry, the beautiful sounds of her child's arrival.

(The campfire dipped low for a moment before roaring back up, and there was the sound of profanity from one of the khajiit. She would later learn that his bowl of moon-sugar had broken suddenly, scattering the precious dust all over the ground.)

"You have a daughter," Rawla said, after cleaning the babe up. She swaddled the little one and handed her over to Kogolanu.

Kogolanu kissed the little nose, counted the little fingers and toes, and smiled at the red eyes once they opened. So beautiful. This little one in her arms was so beautiful, so perfect. What joy it was to nurse the child, to marvel at the white fuzz decorating her tiny head.

A little one had finally been coaxed from her dead womb...

A name, she thought suddenly. I must think of a name.

She looked about for an idea. The fire, the cooking pot, the khajiit. Rawla...the dark moons and their dual eclipse came suddenly to mind, but she thought it might be an ill omen to name the child after the moons in any way. A Jone or Jode might not bode well - the khajiit always said those were the names of stillborns.

She was no longer of the Urshilaku - the response from the khan when she left had made that obvious, and so it would not do to give the child a name like her own. Then her eyes crossed a cluster of violet coprinus...and a strange but perhaps well-fitting name came to mind.

A dead womb, and life springing up from it...

"Sadrith," Kogolanu said, pressing another kiss to the tiny fingers of the babe's hands. "Your name is Sadrith."

She was no longer of the Urshilaku - the response from the khan when she left had made that obvious, and so it would not do to give the child a name like her own. But 'mushroom'...yes, that was fitting, fitting indeed.

But the peace that came as she held Sadrith passed on, and the fear of before returned. Kogolanu was sure she had not lain with a man, and yet from her womb had come new life. She could only pray her memory was faulty, that she was simply not remembering well.

This had happened once before, and to another Dunmer woman. She prayed to Azura that the same fate did not await her unexpected but very much welcome little one.

[40sandfabulousaf]

大家好! Bougainvillea dots our streets, adding pops of vibrant colour. Although this flower isn't native to Singapore, it thrives in our warm, tropical weather. I'm dedicating this photo to Palestinians in Gaza. Now, more than ever, they need our kindness and support as they fight perhaps their toughest battle for survival in a very long time. Living conditions are very harsh and food is scarce, yet, they're determined to show the world how they live, find beauty in the little things as well as create moments of joy. Separated by seas and swathes of land, those of us who feel sorry for them do every little bit we can - donate, share their stories and make sure Gaza is not forgotten.

Pa and I returned to the Japanese restaurant specialising in grilled foods without using oil. This time, we shared cod and salmon shioyaki, as well as king oyster and shiitake mushrooms and okra with a bowl of rice each. Shioyaki is now our preferred way to eat grilled fish since it's less salty. Their cod was as perfect as the first time we tried it; their salmon was good, although it could've been even more tender. We liked the vegetables very much - very fresh and delicious. Pa and I polished off everything. The restaurant gave out more meal vouchers, so we'll definitely revisit since Pa likes the food here and there're moderately healthy options for us.

Mummy and I revisited the cafe which sells excellent ginger chicken rice. This time, she tried the chicken and mushroom rice; I opted for spicy prawn noodle soup. I swapped kway teow (thin flat rice noodles) for yellow noodles and bee hoon (vermicelli) because it's smoother and more slurpable. The cafe's version of this beloved regional dish is halal; chicken is used instead of pork, along with bouncy shrimp, fish cakes, half an egg, kangkong (water spinach) and beansprouts. The broth is SO delicious! Robust with a strong prawn fragrance and mildly spicy, this is perfect for cold rainy days. I'll try their assam laksa when we visit again.

The US has vetoed another UN Security Council resolution calling for an immediate, permanent and unconditional ceasefire. It was the only country to vote against the resolution. At this point, many of us don't expect the US to do the right thing and stop the genocide. All we can do is support the Palestinians in our capacity. We don't have high expectations for a ceasefire where Lebanon is concerned either. By now, we're pretty much prepared that it's wayang (all a show) and will lead to nothing. All we feel towards Biden and his administration is disgust.

Until a permanent ceasefire is achieved, my heart remains firmly with the Palestinians who have been suffering far too much for over a year . Before the genocide began, I hadn't paid attention to the torment they'd endured under an illegal occupation of their land that spanned decades. Now that it's happened, I can't unsee what I've seen nor unlearn what I've learnt. This is the single most brutal massacre i've ever encountered in my lifetime. And I hope that there will come a time when their basic human rights are restored. Nobody deserves the pain and suffering they've been put through. 下次见!

[lets-donate-a-kidney]

I gotta admit, the kidney pillow souvenir the hospital gave me is pretty awesome. I will throw it at people and taunt them with it.

50 hours post-surgery now. I'm doing a little better today, a little bit at a time. Got an abdominal post-surgical binder and it's helped reduce the discomfort of moving around. The prune juice has helped a lot with the gas, too. I'm not well enough to leave the house or do heavy chores, but I can do simple cooking, laundry, argue with Wordle about whether "spang" is a word, and write overly long blog posts like this.

I'm much less worried now about the Norco being habit-forming. For one thing, the pharmacist I spoke to yesterday said it's not possible to get physically dependent on it given only the 1-week supply they prescribed me, and it's okay to alternate it with acetaminophen or taper off using it. The main restriction is to not go over 3,000 mg of acetaminophen per day, keeping in mind that the Norco contains some, too.

Norco (a.k.a. hydrocodone+acetaminophen) does make me drowsy and makes it hard to concentrate. For a person with a lot of anxiety, guilt, or intrusive thoughts, I think I understand a little better now why opiates could be so addictive. It helps you not think too much about anything. But I am a nerd who loves thinking too much, and for me it's very frustrating to not be able to read, study foreign languages, or have long conversations with people. I'd rather be fully alert with moderate pain than half-asleep with no pain.

Currently, I'm testing whether food, sugar and caffeine help me stay alert despite the Norco, and whether I can just take acetaminophen this afternoon instead. Food is important for obvious reasons. Sugar usually wakes me up a little. Caffeine does not normally affect me, unlike most people, but it doesn't hurt me either. So I figure it's worth giving it a shot anyway. (And yep, I checked with the pharmacist that it's safe.)

[kangamommynow]

Ok I admit it

I hurt like hell.

I don't like to mention my chronic pain because so many other people have real chronic pain. Mine is mostly "Damn it why does this hurt" kind of pain.

Yeah, I have to hold on to furniture when I walk for the first ten minutes in the morning. Yeah, I have to hold on to handrails when going down stairs, and go one-two on each step because my knees hurt. Yes, my hands, arms, and shoulders hurt enough to make it so I can't sleep on one side long, and my legs hurt enough so I can't sleep on the other side long. Yes, sometimes I gasp in pain when I get in the car. And I often feel bruised and sore everywhere. Yes, I'm usually limping when I'm done for the day.

Sometimes, it's just a stiffness dealt with by Aleve and hot shower. Sometimes, like yesterday, it is agony and makes it impossible to think about much else, makes me want to cry, and I get terse and irritable.

I've had mild pain everywhere for a long time and moderate pain that seems to rove around my body. ("hmm, we haven't made the left elbow immobile in 8 years, let's do that one. And we should throw in planar fasciitis for fun)

I don't know why, other than "getting older" and being fat and generally not super fit. I don't know how one gets fit when it hurts to move, much less exercise. Nor do I know what to do about it other than Aleve, hot wraps, massage (expensive), and compression.

I don't know why I'm even writing this except to just acknowledge it. My pain is chronic, but usually not severe enough that anyone knows except Chris. He's the one who has seen me crawl upstairs, seen me wince at the slightest touch, had to deal when I can't do chores.

I am getting older, but I don't really want to have pain for another 40 years. It limits my life and that makes me angry. But at least I have a slight idea what it's like for my friends who have real pain and what that means for a person mentally and emotionally.

Now I'm going to take some Aleve, hobble around to do my chores, and go to work.

[theramseyloft]

While I have a few minutes, I will post Yesterday's report.

Today's will still have to wait until tonight, because I am still waiting for further information, and I like for these to be as detailed as possible.

4/14/22 Report

Cheeto and Cotta had 7/8 cup of leftovers.

Samples are ideal and behavior is normal.

Titan drank half his water, and all samples are solid today.

I have a cardiologist appointment this afternoon, so he will have to wait until tomorrow, when I can spend longer watching him, to let him re-integrate.

Ibis drank 1/3 of her water.

Samples are still wet, but less wide spread, sandy tan, and less mucous-y.

Loft samples are reassuringly solid.

No, monitoring those doesn't tell me anything about how infectious the birds still are.

What it tells me is how they are feeling right now.

Stress levels effect both immune function and digestive efficiency, and are important to monitor.

Changes in stool sample quality are the first indications of something being off, and the best indicator that something still is when a bird seems to have recovered by all other appearances.

No, I do not plan to just reopen as soon as all the stool samples look good, because that is not sufficient information on which to gauge how much of a contagion risk the flock still is.

No birds will be cleared to leave until the pathogen that effected them is identified, the state lab can tell me what tests will be required to confirm them non-contiguous and travel safe, and those requirements have been confirmed fulfilled.

Hatching will not resume until the loft population is down to our 10 pair of keepers, however long that takes.

Period started today. Very low pain, so far.

I'm hopeful not to need to call anyone for help.

If I can endure whatever level it ends up at, that will be a vast improvement over the last several.

My HDL and LDL are at good levels, blood oxygen and blood pressure are good, but my Cardiologist was concerned about my elevated pulse.

So, after this report, I'm going to switch to posting these in the evening, after all the day's tasks are completed, rather than first thing after meds and breakfast.

And I'll be focusing a lot more on self care.

Suffered moderate period pain after the cardiologist appointment, but it was easily managed on an extremely low dose of pain meds.

That's a huge weight off of my shoulders in and of itself!

It'll be so much easier to avoid falling behind if I can trust my body not to cease functioning under me for a quarter of every month.

I still have not heard anything back from the lab.

Once I do, so will you.

I cannot pull results out of my ass that I do not yet have.

If any of you find that personally upsetting, take like two minutes and imagine how I feel.

The accusation that I'm not remotely upset by any of this is an insult, but at least it's an insult that no one feels proud enough of to put their name on in my inbox.

Anon has been left on as a courtesy to those of you who have asked legitimate questions and offered genuinely helpful suggestions.

As a quick reminder for the new followers, none of those have been erased, and I will resume answering them when the flock is cleared.

[rebelredeyes]

Doc and Lion: I was wrong about you.

Heads up before we begin. There is a lot of dark themes (Suicidal thoughts, bullying) in here so read at your own risk. Also this is sort of unedited and written in one sitting. Please enjoy.

Lion had been injured in the last terrorist attack as he favored one side of him. It wasn't life threatening though as he passed the medical bay despite every step feeling like hell. He got dirty looks from most people as he moved on by. His team had nearly failed as the hostage had been shot and he got the blame by default. That's when Thatcher showed up. 

"Heard you fucked up yet another operation. Sometimes I wonder why Six keeps you around. Probably for entertainment, that or you look so good on your knees" he jeered as Lion snarled. He wasn't in the mood for this as he tried to move forward but Thatcher stopped him. 

"Oi mate, I am not done talking to you." he began as Lion hissed back. 

"Fuck off" 

"What did you say to me?" Thatcher said as his hand hung near his knife when Lion snatched it up and slammed into the next to Thatcher's head. 

"I said fuck off or are you going deaf. Might want to see Doc over that. Good day." Lion growled out not caring who saw this as he stormed off. No one stopping him as he entered his room to see graffiti pver the walls again. He just turned to the bathroom to see the mirror shattered on the floor and his medication poured out in the toilet.

Lion fought back tears as he entered the mess to fix his side. He had trouble without the full mirror as he used a shard to see. His hands trembling from the pain as he bite back his cries. He then settled down for the evening after discarding his blood clothing and wrapping his horrible stitching job with an old sheet. He then laid down as he tried to get some rest without his medication. He barely got any. 

The following morning, he was hoping for some time off to let his side heal like his other wounds had in the past, but soon he saw that he was scheduled for a bunch of mock up hostage rescues. He hid his displeasure along with the sharp pain of moving till that afternoon when Caveria kicked his stitches. 

Lion crumbled like a sack of potatoes as she backed off. Him soon seeing why as his side grew red. Caveria instant calling a pause as Lion forced himself up. The PA system ordering his to the medical bay as Lion swore under his breath. All eyes staring at him as he stalked off as he heard whispering after him for being stupid or not speaking up. 

He then slammed the door open to the medical bay as Doc waited looking disapproving at him. Lion biting back a scowl as he removed his gear loudly as Doc clenched his clipboard. Him pissed about dealing with Lion after yesterday's news of him getting the hostage hurt. 

"Could you please be more considerate to other patients please." Doc finally snapped as Lion finished. 

"Too late. Already done." he snapped back as he turned to see Doc's eyes flash with rage. 

Doc could see the horrible stitches from where he stood, but came closer as he couldn't believe Lion did that horrible of a job. He was surprised none of the stitches had popped or torn as he assessed the extent of damage. A moderate flesh wound, which he should of seen. Doc growing more enraged as he knew Lion knew this too. 

"You are fucken stupid as I thought. You should have came here for me to do this. I have seen 6 year olds do better than this" Doc lectured as Lion clenched his fists tight. He knew Doc was baiting him, but he responded regardless. 

"Funny. Last time I tried, you threw a bedpan at me and said do it myself."Lion shot back, grumbling in" Kind of hard to do it yourself without a good mirror or anything to keep the pain down too. "

"Suck it up. I had bigger things to worry about that day." Doc snapped "And what about a mirror. You have one is your fucken bathroom" 

Lion jerked away from Doc fully as he felt his anger grow along with his anxiety. His back knocking over a tray of tools onto the floor as Doc yelled at him for it. Lion snarled something back before Doc straight up punched him. 

Lion's eyes water as his nose hurt as blood  ran down his face onto the floor. He heard Doc's heavy breathing  as the man seemed to realize what he had done. His fist still raised and ready for another blow as blood laid spackled on the latex glove while his other hand held Lion's shirt.

Lion then roughly pushed Doc away from him as he began to swiftly walk to the door. That's when he heard Doc stammer for a moment before getting out, 

"Lion, wait. I'm…" Lion cut him off. 

"What you're sorry. Go fuck yourself with your apologies. The damages are already done, besides.. . I quit." Lion spat out as he shook. 

" Lion you don't mean.. " Doc began as Lion roared out 

"You don't know that. You don't even fucken notice what the others are doing or saying. Ever since you showed signs you didn't like me and then told them why you didn't, they have treated me like shit. Just go in my fucken room for proof if you don't believe me. Heh. " Lion took a breath before looking at Doc with tear filled eyes as uttered "And you call me a real piece of work" 

Lion then stormed out as he grabbed a resignation form. He just wrote in blood: I QUIT! - LION. before slamming it into a recruits chest as he exited the building. Him not stopping for anyone as he shook worse. Lion then broke into a sprint, ignoring the pain in his side as he ran from the military base to the city streets. No one followed. 

Doc was left shaken after what Lion had said to him. He was still in shock he had even punched the man. It didn't even feel like what he had expected it to be. It felt wrong as he stared at the blood. He quickly peeled them off and threw them away before storming out towards Lion's room. The base is slight commotion it seemed as he got to the door. 

Doc drew in a deep breath and pushed the door open to see the graffiti over the walls, even the ceiling. All things he had muttered under his breath at Lion when Lion had erked him. He then took a step inside, flicking the lights on but only one bulb came on. It's light was dim as Doc made his way to the bathroom, seeing the bloody clothing on the floor. 

He then saw the broken mirror glass on the ground and empty pill bottles near the toilet. Peering in he saw the remains of dissolved pills. Him instantly checking the labels which left him breathless in tears. Antidepressants and anxiety pills of different doses for good and bad days. Plus one was a sleep aid. 

Doc then stood up and stumbled from the bathroom to the main room as he saw a picture torn up on the ground. It was of Lion's son. He was appalled that anyone could have done that. Even he knew that Lion thought the world of his son. Doc quickly grabbed up the pieces and rushed back to the medical bay. Also ignoring everyone else. 

Meanwhile, Lion had holed himself up in a hotel room with a couple of old friends. Whiskey and moonshine. Two sins he never thought would kiss his lips again, but before that; Lion called his ex. 

She sounded concerned as Lion told her that he'll be fine and asked for his son. He talked a bit and mostly listened to his kid's school day. Savoring it as much as he could before the kid had to go to dinner. Lion then told his son goodbye and to give his ex a hug for him before the receiver clicked. Lion then broke open the whiskey bottle and drank greedy. Doc had finished piecing the photo together seeing it was a family picture that included Lion with his son’s mother and stepfather. They all were smiling together as Doc realized ever since Lion arrived to Rainbow Six, he hadn’t smiled once. Especially after meeting Doc and himself jerking his hand away from Lion. He then realized how many times Lion had tried to mend the bridge between them and as Doc shoved him farther away, so did everyone else. That’s when the door opened to IQ who seemed nervous.

“IQ? What is it?” Doc asked half concerned as she looked away nervously. Doc got up, pocketing the picture, and came closer asking the same question. This time, IQ answered.

“We are holding a party in the rec. Room. Thought you would like to join.” She said as Tachanka staggered over, clearly drunk, adding.

“It’s for you. Finally getting rid of the yellow problem.” “What?” Doc inquired, holding that didn’t hold what was implied as IQ responded with,

“He’s talking about Lion resigning from Rainbow Six. He quit in quite a fashion.” “Wrote: I Quit, on a resignation form in blood then bolted from site. Must of wounded his pride finally Doc?” Tachanka slurred out, hugging IQ close to him in joy.

“No.” Doc breathed out in disbelief. He had caused this and to see his teammates partying at someone’s departure. It felt as if that one white mask had stabbed him again. Him remembered Lion screaming to stay with him, holding him, apologizing for not being quick enough again like with… with…. A hand on his shoulder suddenly pulled him from his thoughts as IQ looked worried.

“Doc, What’s the matter? We thought you would be happy? He’s been a pain in your ass since he arrived. Always pestering you. Bringing up sore subjects. Sulking like a child when you point out his stupid mistakes over and over again.” IQ stated as Tachanka praised a here, here which Smoke responded too further down the hall. Doc just shook his head, angry at himself. For all his smarts, skill and compassion; he was a blind fool to think Lion was ever trying to provoke him. He then remembered Lion throwing it in his face that this wasn’t the first time he had stitched himself up, alone, in a trashed room. Doc should've noticed the man’s unhappiness growing. He had noted less of Lion’s presence in high traffic area and only located him in more hidden areas of the base. Lion had started eating less, seemed less rested and began tripping up more on missions; if that was even the case. Doc remembered his medical file mention depression,but never confirmed it. He then realized the more he pushed Lion away, the more loner Lion got. Doc then felt hot tears running down his face.

IQ looked confused as Tachanka tried to grab him, but Doc quickly bolted away and out a side door. Him running through the halls, into the outside world as he quickly left site. He didn’t know where he was running to, but all he knew was that he had to find Lion. His mind scrambling to think like Lion might as he ran into the city street, nearly getting hit by a car before he made it to the next sidewalk.

Lion now sat on the bathtub ledge, looking at his side. He couldn’t feel it anymore as his mind swam. Doc’s words over the stitch job echoing in his head. They stung the worst as Lion knew Doc to be the most compassionate man he ever met. Willing to do whatever it took to save everyone, even at the cost of himself. A humanitarian or so he believed. Yet when it came to him, all Doc ever seemed to do was tear him down over one stupid event. Even he hated himself for it, because if he had just been quick enough; it never would of happened.

Doc would have never had to see his best friend shoot herself to escape a long and agonizing death. If he had gotten to the containment room in time, but he was so worried about keeping quarantine from a survivable virus; he let 16 other people died from an incurable one. He could recall all their names by heart. All those years, he wished he go back in time and change it or at least make the only causality himself. Lion then torn out the stitches, not wanting to feel this pain anymore. His screams echoing the building.

Doc was growing desperate, knowing Lion couldn’t have made it far as he saw an ambulance rush by and turn quickly into a hotel parking lot. Doc then booked it, running inside, hearing the room numbers he needed and rushed up the flight of stairs to a hallway filled with people. They all were looking at a single door almost in fear as Doc rushed to it and broke it down within a minute. Him ordering people to stay out of the room.

Lion just laid on the floor, bleeding as he shook from adrenaline. The bottle clinking against his teeth as he gulped down the clear liquid. The liquid burned his mouth as he hiccuped a bit. He then heard the door break down and swear he heard Doc yelling before a blurred figure rushed in, yelling his actual name. Lion hiccuped again, as the figure appeared in the doorway of the bathroom looking like he had just been in a hurricane.

“Doc?” Lion slurred out in disbelief before laughing which turned to soft sobs, “I must of died and gone to hell if you’re here… Of course the devil would make himself look like you. Make my hell look like the place where I killed myself. To remind me of my failure as a believer. Well what are you waiting for Satan, just get on with it already. Not like you could top what I been through already.” Doc felt his heart drop at the sight of Lion and just hearing the man say that hurt so much as he stepped into the bathroom. Doc carefully lowered himself down and saw the pool of blood on the floor as he heard the EMTS arrive. He hollered for them ashe grabbed up a towel and began to apply pressure to Lion’s side. The no response causing Doc to freeze for the first time in a while as an EMT took over what he was doing. Him only moving away to not hinder their job as he silently panicked to the side.

Lion was hospitalized as Doc stayed with him. He knew part of this was his fault, as Six came in to talk to him in private. Doc explaining everything as Six chewed his ass from the high heaven to the depths of Hell. Many operators if not all, recieved the same treatment as Lion was spared it. Six still scoulding him harshly, and telling him if he really wanted to quit; sign the forms properly. Doc’s chest tightening when he saw Lion doing just that as he rushed in, snathcing the papers away.

“The hell Doc? Hand me those back. I said I quit.” Lion snarled reaching for them  as he shift to get up.

“No, and stay in bed. You need to rest.” Doc said as pushed Lion firmly back down as Lion just curled over on his side, refusing to look at Doc.

“Fine, I will just ask Six for another one.” Lion said, rather tired as Doc felt his anger swell up again, but instead of going off; Doc muttered out.

“I’m sorry Lion, I was wrong about you. You came to Rainbow Six, knowing I was here and hoping to mend our past. All I ever did was shut you out and mark you as a target for the others to pick on. I was so stupid and blinded by my own rage and hatried, that I forgot you were a human being too. I even ignored the signs that something was wrong, knowing you wouldn’t say a word about it… I…” Doc didn’t know what else to say as he read Lion’s reason for resigning I’m just a burden to the team. You’re better off without me. Doc then just placed the papers back on Lion’s bed as he began to walk out. He only stopped when he heard Lion’s voice call his name.

“Hey Doc, want to know the worst thing in all of this. Heh. I still forgive you. I still forgive you despite you making me not want to exist.” Lion said as his voice cracked with soft sobs and off laughter. Doc took a step to leave, but stopped and returned to Lion’s bed side. Doc sitting down in a chair next to the bed as he stared at the wall while the heart monitor beeped steadily.

“I know this is a long stretch Lion, but could we start over. Please. I know I fucked up and blamed you for shit that makes perfect sense. That I have been hypocritical with you and frankly unfair in treatment, but I just want a chance to make things right. Like you did.” Doc pleaded “I understand if you..”

“Okay… Just give me a few days? I need some space to think and regroup myself, because of…. Well, you know.” Lion said trying to stop crying as Doc nodded.

“I”ll take care of them for you. Just let me know who and… heh.” Doc replied as Lion chuckled before gasping in pain. Him waving Doc off as he moved back to his side.

“Not very humanitarian of you.” Lion teased softly as he tried to focus on breath as Doc chuckled.

“I learned that sometimes you need a firm hand to deal with certain dilemmas” Doc hissed back as Lion asked playfully

“Who taught you that?” “The very best.” Doc said, adding in “You” Lion suddenly smiled as Doc rumbled with laughter as he got up and said goodbye. Lion handing him the resignation forms to be burnt as Doc nodded and left. Lion then sighed, knowing it was going to be hard to come back after this but hoped Doc meant what he had said. Lion soon drifted back off as Doc returned to a quiet base as he checked the medical bay for anyone in need. Since no one was there, Doc headed down to Lion’s room to see it had been repainted, cleaned and re-organized. Doc then pulled out the photo he had saved and pinned it to the new corkboard. Hoping Lion would see it as his promise.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (Mandy Pitulle)

FM4 INTERVIEW with TOM NEUWIRTH

https://radiothek.orf.at/podcasts/fm4/fm4-interview-podcast/fm4-interview-mit-tom-neuwirth

Queer visibility also plays a role in the life of Tom Neuwirth, also known as Conchita Wurst. Seven years ago he won the Eurovision Song Contest. In an interview with FM4, he tells us like it is to grow up as a gay boy and experience pride for the first time.

. "Hello Tom, nice to have you here." "Yes, hello, I'm happy to be here." "It's June and that's a very special month for many people. It's Pride month and for queer people it's Pride all year. How are you feeling with that? How is June for you?"

Tom: "It's very special, it's been relatively commercialized in the last few years, which makes it special in another way. It's more visibility than it used to be. Pride has always been" The place to be ", especially when I was 16 / 17. Oh God, that I am now at an age to be able to say that. It was suddenly possible to visibly live out our sexuality, even if it was just being there, to hold hands and to have a save space and to know "Nothing will happen to you". It might sound strange, but being able to be an LGBTIQ person out on the streets was not easy back then and is still not always easy now.

FM4:" On 19th, it is the Rainbow Parade in Vienna. Do you have plans?"

Tom: " Not really concrete plans, but since the lockdown has fallen, we all feel the need to go out and celebrate. That is why the spirit to celebrate that I feel has not necessarily to do with June, but also with the current situation. I will of course be there. After 1 1/2 years where you couldn't see a lot of people and queer visibility has not taken place, I think it is important that we go out to the streets together and maybe come back to the origins of Prides . We noticed that the pandemic was not good when it comes to questioning ways of thinking, to stand up for more equality and that is why it is important to go out "as fabulous as we can".

FM4:"Do you still remember your first Pride and your first rainbow parade? How did you feel and how old were you?

Tom: "At my first Pride, I was with my best friend, Flo. We were 14/15 and told everyone we were in Graz, but secretly drove to Vienna. We then went to trendy scene bars and the rainbow parade and it was the amazing feeling of not having to hide, to not have to expect people to talk bad to me or look at me for walking in the street with my boyfriend. It was an extreme feeling of freedom. It still is a little, I have to say. I always dismissed it when you kiss in public and then get harsh comments. “I couldn't care less.” ...But then you ask yourself “Does that have to be?” “Why do you have to put people in a situation that is uncomfortable in some way. "So this year I am a little more aware of why it is important to have a rainbow parade. The first memories ... it was just Heaven ..You danced, met new people every minute and made out on the dance floor. It was "everything you can ask for".

FM4: "Do you know how old you were?"

Tom:" At my first Pride kiss? 15....*mumbles*...14/15"

FM4: "Nice. You have certainly been to many Pride events. Have you ever been to Prides outside Austria in June?"

Tom: "If you're known in the queer community, people like to book you for Prides. That's how it was for me and it has increased exponentially since the Eurovision Song Contest. One of the most impressive Prides was Amsterdam when I was there for the first time. I didn't know it from Austria when you turn on the TV and the country's TV stations are flagged with rainbow flags and Pride is advertised in the mainstream. Then the canals and streets were full. The whole city celebrated this part of society. The kids were all painted with rainbow flags and these floats that drove through on the canals. It was extremely impressive. And I didn't know that from Austria. With the Europride, that changed. That was extremely cool. You really had the feeling that the whole city celebrated with us. I also think that Vienna has the potential to become a queer Hotspot. Barcelona and everywhere else too, but Vienna has such charm and courage. Vienna is so uncompromising. I love that. Uncompromising in any way and especially with this topic. I think that's cool. I would like it to get bigger in the next few years. It's Pride month and we have so much to offer. From queer history in all museums to theaters and clubs. Lectures, artists ... we talked about queer footballers today ... This city has so much potential.

FM4: You already gave the cue. Queer Visibility. Where does it start and where does it end?

Tom: "That has to be viewed individually. I think, a drag queen, for example, that is activism as soon as she steps out of the dressingroom. For me it is ... well I don't know. I've spent a lot of my life, pushing myself into the hetero norm and I don't do that anymore. So not at all anymore. I'm hysterical and loud and scream and laugh and talk to everyone and wear what I like. I've come to a point where I'm no longer afraid because you think “it has to be like that.” And that's where it starts with me. Everyone should start with themselves. Sometimes I find it difficult because I don't want to ask anybody, “Now be extra bad”. Everyone should be what he or she is. I express myself a lot ... Now I want to say, through my clothes, but that's not true. I'm just uncompromising and try to break the boundaries again and again and make people think. Yesterday we were on the Donaustrand and did a photo shoot wearing black lace underwear. The people who watched, the reactions differed. But they'd go home and say, "Well, I've seen something today ..." And they'd talk about it, it's the first step in a conversation.

FM4:"This month is Pride month. Do you remember the first time you were proud of yourself? That you "owned your space"

Tom: "I think that was already at the first Pride events. Although I still have it. Pride means to me .. that's a power. When many people work together towards one goal. Or something in common ... It has so much power. You are not alone as an individual, you are among so many like-minded people where you have the feeling "I breathe". The visibility. That makes us strong against everything queer people struggle with."

FM4: "You already talked about Vienna. You have been living in Vienna for a long time. But you grew up somewhere else, in Bad Mitterndorf. I checked, it has about 5000 residents."

Tom: "They have grown."

FM4: "How was it for you to grow up as a queer person in the country?"

Tom: "It was a bit ambivalent, I never really held back in my being. I often heard from my mother" You can't wear that now. You can't wear a dirndl or a first communion dress, none of that works. "But I'd always found my ways to portray myself and just did what I felt". On one hand, I totally demanded it, but on on the other hand, it was bad for me to get the attention because it wasn't positive. My parents run an Restaurant and they were a bit dependent on the opinions of their guests. They don't think like that anymore. I am happy about that. To do everything right for everyone is simply not possible. It was this duality of "I am there" and "It hurts" when you are insulted, laughed at. And so many queer people feel like that. And you ask yourself "Why?" For example, if it's a child and the adults react like that. You think "Get yourself together."

FM4: "You said there were painful things. What helped you?"

Tom: "Definitely my friends, but I also loved to go to the attic. I never wanted to work, there were too many people and too close for me ... I told my mother." I'll sew every button on you, but please don't let me work in service." And then I fled to the attic and did everything there. Drew, sewed, danced, sang. I sang out loud because nobody heard it. My Idol: Celine Dion ... high and loud. Of course I had to train that first. Yes, me and my friends. It was always my safe place. It is still like that today.

FM4: "That is also very important to have."

Tom: "I'm also very grateful that I can feel myself and enjoy myself ... not in all situations ... that I can love myself. And I have fun with myself.

FM4: Many queer people have queer role models. That help even in difficult times. Did you have someone there too?

Tom: "The first time to hear" I will always love you "was eye-opening. And the first time to hear" My heart will go on ", I think it was my" queer wakening "and comforting. Power balades, the 90s. .. then I could shout it out. That's why maybe I can let myself go so well when I sing emotionally. Because that was always my outlet and still is today. If I don't sing for a long time, it's still like that today. ..I'm in a bad mood and singing, the bad mood is gone. Singing does something to us ... it's like jumping. You have to grin and get in a good mood.

FM4: When we talk about Conchita Wurst, we also talk about identities and breaking the binary system, which has stood in our way for billions of years. You also show that identities can be fluid and can change and can be many things. Can you still remember when you let Conchita "wake up"? And maybe also when you first appeared as Conchita?

Tom: "The first time was ... now I forgot the club, but it was with the Saloon Kitty Revue. Kitty Willenbruch is one of the most famous burlesque dancers in Austria and I was out in drag once and moderated something. She was in the audience and then asked me whether I would like to present the revue. At that time it was every week, I think, and I said “Yes, I would love to.” And then thought to myself that I shouldn't shave. I look like 12 without beard. I let my beard grow and then the day of the revue came. I love to entertain the audience. I think that's my greatest talent. To be able to let go on stage. First was Starmania, then I finished school, and it was basically my first show business experience again. That's when I noticed. Despite all the worry about whether you can make a living from it, I want to go this way.

FM4: "When you think about your queer future, where are you going? What should change?"

Tom: "It would be nice if at some point no one asks the question," Are you into boys? "Because I think, or in my circle of friends, we sometimes also discuss that. We are just gay and that is totally one-sided and totally restricts you. What if I miss the love of my life, which is a woman. It would be nice if the understanding of the world goes so far that it just doesn't matter. Then we would all be Queer, which we all actually are.

FM4: "A good final word. Thanks Tom."

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Hey /r/Entrepreneur, I’m Denver, aka /u/LoomaHome!I’ve lurked here for a very long time, and being a follower of this subreddit + /r/MaleLivingSpace has been a big part of starting my business, so I’m excited to share.Along with my business partner, Ishaan, I’m a co-founder at Looma, makers of expertly curated and ethically-sourced bedding sets (and more decor stuff soon). We’ve been working on the business for almost a year now and we just launched yesterday!We’ve been on two quests: building a modular ecosystem of bedding and home decor products that fit seamlessly together and figuring out how to sell the softest possible organic, and fair-trade products for half the price of everyone else, and we think we nailed it.One of my favorite things are “How I did it” posts, getting an insider perspective on how Redditors have built their businesses, usually in industries I don’t know anything about. Since /r/Entrepreneur has helped me during this journey, I’d like to lay out my “Mental Framework” for how I approached business, in hopes that it could give someone out there a starting point for chasing their big idea too.But first, a little context, so you know how I got started. Backstory[TL;DR below]After graduating from college, I bounced around between the East and West coasts for different jobs. With every move, I’d go through my stuff and ask, “Is this really worth taking with me?”Usually the answer was “no.” So, I was arriving in my new city with few belongings, which meant I had to start all over to furnish my space. I’d get a few cheap things, live in the new city for a while, take another job offer, move again, leave behind all the cheap stuff, repeat. I absolutely hated redecorating, because it was so hard to make each new place feel like home. First a bedframe and mattress, then sheets, an area rug, side table, desk, wall art, and so on. I was becoming Ikea/Target’s #1 customer. Browsing aisle by aisle had become an obligatory pastime, and I kept asking myself “Why is this such a painful process?” and “How can I find someone else to do this for me?”Around that same time of my bedroom/existential breakdown, I had a month and a half between my move and my job’s start date, so I visited my one of my best friends from college, Ishaan, who’s from India. I had planned on spending a week with Ishaan then tour around to see all of the big sites (obligatory Taj Mahal pic). But instead of touring the country, I was mostly fascinated by Ishaan’s family business. He had gone back after college to run the textile mill his grandfather’s grandfather had started in the 1800s. Coming from a world of corporate offices and Excel spreadsheets, I was fascinated by the processes, the people, and the business behind textiles. Watching raw materials go in one side and finished products come out the other was incredibly satisfying.Back in the US, I was still thinking about that mill, while sitting in my studio apartment filled with hodge-podge decor that never quite right. Like Steve Jobs’ once said in one of my favorite speeches ever, the dots only connect when you’re looking backward. It hit me: What if Ishaan and I started a business that provided modular decor? You pick a theme you like, and then simply buy everything, from sheets to rugs and small decorations, that’s been curated for you in that same theme?Given that Ishaan could manage the raw materials & production aspects, and that bedding is one of the easiest and fastest ways to change the look of an entire room, I figured that bedding would be the logical first step, and then we could expand our offerings from there. I pitched my plan to Ishaan, he was onboard, and Looma was born!TL;DR version: Recent college grad got tired of figuring out how to redecorate every time he moved for a new job. Goes to visit friend in India while between jobs. Finds out friend’s family is in textiles, becomes fascinated by the business. Goes back to the States and starts a company with friend, to help people easily decorate their spaces with curated looks, and figures bedding is a good place to start. Looma begins! Analyzing the MarketWe had a vision for the customer pain point we wanted to solve, but we still needed to figure out exactly where we would fit into the broader market, and how things operate today. We broke down our market research into 3 buckets: supply chain, distribution, and consumer behavior.If you’re wondering where to find this type of info a great start is a google search of: “industry primer”First a size check: We knew the market was big, but not this big. In the US alone, home textiles (bedding, rugs & bath) is a $15 billion market annually.Supply Chain: Despite online & direct to consumer models starting to pop up, we found the vast majority of volume of the global home textile market is via outsourced manufacturing and brand licensing agreements. Much like Luxxotica owns 90% of the eyewear market, the same 4/5 manufacturers own 90% of the brands you’ve bought bedding from. It works like this: Manufacturer A pays Brand X, Y and Z to sell sheets with the Brand X, Y or Z labels on it. Brands love it because its free money for zero effort, but the problem for consumers is that most manufacturers are more concerned with volume than quality, with the overall effect being a reduction in competition – causing prices to steadily rise while quality doesn’t.So I can assure you, Tommy Hilfiger didn’t actually design any beds, someone at Indocount or Himatsingka did.Distribution: The distribution split in home goods is around 75% in-store 25% online, with the online portion growing extremely rapidly (less than 20% of sales 3 years ago). In-store distribution is split between big box brands who wholesale other brand’s products (Target, Bed Bath & Beyond) and specialty retail (West Elm, Crate & Barrel, etc.) who primarily sell their own brand. Online is split between Amazon and independent e-commerce (Brooklinen, Parachute, et al.).Consumer Behavior: Consumers repurchase rates are moderate tending to replace sheets every 18-24 months. There were fewer resources that specifically catalogued consumer behavior when it came specifically to bedding, so we used SurveyMonkey & Google Surveys to gather our own data. Based on our survey work we found that consumers brand recall & brand loyalty is extremely low. The surveys also showed that the future of online sales was bright with over 55% of customers considering purchasing bedding online for their next buying cycle.Our major takeaways from the research were:· The overall market is massive· The supply chain is dominated by incumbents with no incentive to improve quality· Online is the minority today but explodingEach finding pointed to the huge growth prospects for digital-first brands. Despite how overhyped “Millennials are killing [x]” headlines are, new buying habits (online) paired with general distain for the current players means a huge opportunity to cater to consumers in a new way.We want to create a brand that delights consumers, creates loyalty, and will become the no brainer go-to when buying anything for a bedroom. To do that, we know we have to do things that others aren’t. The Business BlueprintPutting the pieces together, we centered everything around one question: how do we delight the new breed of digital-first customers?Product: How do we delight customers with our product?The first step was to think of product as not just the physical goods, but the buying experience too. As I thought about my own hatred for decorating, it really boiled down to not knowing how to put pieces together in a cohesive way. We wanted to bring the same curation & ease-of-purchase focus that is so popular in Apparel (“shop this look”), to home goods. Today, whether it’s online or in-store, most bedding is sold piece by piece in separate sheet sets, duvet covers, comforters, blankets, throws, pillows etc. So we created a product line is focused on bundling and pre-curated bedroom “recipes” that are guaranteed to look good together. By making our product both the physical item and the more streamlined path to purchasing it, we're hoping to set ourselves apart from the average buying experience.Price & Quality: How can we delight customers with high quality materials and a mass market price?The vast majority of people we surveyed were “meh” on their bedding, except the group in the luxury segment. The luxury consumers totally reversed the trend with strong brand recall and loyalty. The takeaway: quality benefits exist, but you have to really spend to get it.So the question was: how to bring luxury bedding quality & loyalty at a price point that the other 98% of the market can afford? Brands like Parachute and Boll & Branch successfully brought Frette quality ($1,200+ sets) to the $450-650 price range by going direct to consumer and cutting out the retail/wholesale markups, but to bring that quality to the $250-$350 price point would require far more than changing sales channels from offline to online.This happens to be our secret sauce. Back to the origin story, Ishaan & his family have been in Textiles for over 100 years. I came to him to ask if it was possible to bring that $1,000 sheets quality to the mass market. The answer was no. Not if we went to the outsourced manufacturers like in-store brands and the other direct to consumer brands like Parachute. The only possible way would be to deal with the farmers growing the ultra-lux organic cotton directly rather than buying from regional or national cotton traders (not an easy task, most organic cotton is grown on small independent farms, so we’d have to reach out to a number of them individually), then we’d have to bring most of the major finishing processes in-house (like spinning the cotton yarn, weaving it, and cutting & sewing it). People outsource for a reason: it’s much easier. But with every outsourced process comes another markup, and we couldn’t afford that.So we followed the plan. We’re bringing the absolute highest quality GOTS Organic, Fair-Trade Certified linens to the market at a price that is literally unbeatable. Check out a quick comparison chart. Our complete foundation set (sheet set + duvet cover) is just $279. Compare that to Parachute at $550 (Organic but not Fair Trade), and Brooklinen at $249 (Not Organic, Not Fair Trade, Value Quality at Premium Price).ChannelWhere to sell? Amazon, wholesale, our own website? Where can we best meet our customer to give them a delightful experience?Right off the bat Wholesale wouldn’t work for us. Typically when brands sell wholesale they have to take a 40-60% cut on their regular retail price. So that effectively means brands that wholesale spend less than 30% of the retail price of the product on the actual materials & construction.Amazon has a ton of benefits, primarily built-in foot traffic. It’s a marketplace with high intent customers that are already searching for bedding and probably already have their payment information saved. On top of that, if you use Fulfilled By Amazon, they take the headache out of shipping. That’s super compelling. On the downside, Amazon takes a fat commission on sales, limits customization of the listing page, knows your exact sales data & popularity (Hello new Amazon Brand in your category), and generally owns the user experience throughout the purchase. In the end it’s something we’re going to continue to consider, but not right for us at this point.So we settled on selling via our own e-commerce website. Pros for us were the ability to customize the user experience with things like style quiz flows, owning all of our user data, and most importantly no marketplace commissions on our sales, but the cost was high, and not for everyone. When choosing independent e-com you have to balance with knowing it’s very expensive to bring traffic to your site, there’s a big upfront cost to developing a scale-ready website, and other headaches like integrating your sales systems with logistics systems. Sourcing & Other ResourcesIn Looma’s case, we haven’t had to search for manufacturing partners the same way most new companies do, but after working with manufacturers for non-core pieces of the business (like packaging) here are my thoughts on sources & best practices for reaching out:Alibaba: There are entire guides for this, but 1) always check how long each supplier has been in business + what their revenue last year was. If it’s less than 2 years old and/or their revenue is under $1 million, that can be a red flag that they’re not a reliable supplier, or too new to know their reputation. There are probably 10 other options in the same category with a more reliable background, reach out to them. 2) Reach out to at least 5 suppliers with your list of requirements for any product you’re looking for – even if you see a listing that looks perfect. A lot can be learned from the speed and level of professionalism in responses. After you narrow down to a few attentive suppliers don’t be afraid to push back on Price or Minimum Order Quantities. These responses are valuable too for determining who might be a good long term partner, not just supplier.IndiaMART: The Alibaba of India. Unfortunately they are much less organized and don’t have an internal chat feature like Alibaba. Be prepared to receive 10s of calls from suppliers if you give them your number. One big upside is that it can be a great place to source if you put in the effort, and a lot of the time I’ve found suppliers on IndiaMart are more willing to lower MOQs for new accounts.PortExaminer.com: While this isn’t a source supplier, you still shouldn’t overlook this resource. This is a bit of an insider secret, but import records into the United States are public record. That means you can look up your competitors and figure out exactly who they’re buying from!Sometimes you can’t find the exact records you’re searching for, but if you can, you can contact the same source suppliers your competitors are using, and ask for quotes for products that are similar to your competitor’s. Once you have a quote, you know how much your competitor is spending to manufacture their product, and you can figure out if you’re able to beat that price, and with higher quality.PackagingThere are two ways to go here. US companies like BoxUp.com, Packlane.com or Lumi.com tend to be expensive, or you could test the waters of direct from China packaging on Alibaba. For the seasoned expert, Alibaba makes sense, but if you’re just getting started, I 100% recommend a more expensive US option who will ensure quality.LogisticsGreat! Now your product is in a cool box, ready to be delivered by...someone. By far, my favorite freight forwarder is Flexport. Hands down the easiest, most intuitive, and modern freight forwarding service out there; I highly recommend them.PlatformFor our eCommerce we decided to use Shopify. They had the lowest barriers to entry and offered acceptable levels of customization.For our inventory management, we chose Ordoro. Shoutout to /u/gdpics from Ordoro for the great customer service! Final ThoughtsWhatever your plans and budget are, know that it will take 3x as long and cost 10x as much. Figure out your costs and estimate your schedule, and then pump it up. Give yourself plenty of buffer, because you will hit unexpected costs and scheduling holdups, and if you’re not prepared, it’ll knock you flat.Have a strong list of advisors and try to get as big and diverse of a roster as you can. I cold emailed so many people I considered to be my “Dream Experts,” but I also reached out to some people who I knew excelled at the lower-level functioning stuff, too.I wrote my emails to these people like, “This is what I’m up to, and this is why I’d love to have your expertise on this.” I was honestly shocked at how many people responded to me, and I now have an incredible board of advisors I can contact about different concerns and questions: Zander Lurie (CEO of Surveymonkey), Kory Stevens (CEO of Taft /u/therealtaftclothing), Brian Magida (Performance Marketing at Warby Parker), and a ton of others. Find those people, show them that you’re serious and know what you’re talking about, and you might be surprised how many of them are willing to help you, if you’re respectful of their time.Founding a company is a mental health game, and you need to take that seriously. Even though I’m technically a co-founder with one of my best friends, he’s on the other side of the world handling logistics over there, so sometimes it can feel like I’m a solo founder. Find someone — preferably a friend who isn’t involved in your business — who is willing to be a listening ear and sympathizer for those moments when you’re overwhelmed.Finally, once you’re at an acceptable level, just launch. You could go bankrupt trying to make everything absolutely perfect. There are still some things about Looma I want to tweak and change, but really, it’s ready for the next phase, so we’re pulling the lever and we’re rolling! /r/Entrepreneur, thanks for listening, and I really hope this was interesting for you guys. Thanks for being such a great community, and please, if there’s anything in this overview that you’d like more specific info on, ask! As for Looma, we launched yesterday on Kickstarter, and we we're already 75% funded!! Go grab an earlybird discount while the stock lasts!