#I'm in a rabbit hole I don't want to get out of
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I'm sick and got way too into the ID rabbit hole, so let's discuss why this guy is (Probably!) either in the Gonocephalus genus or Acanthosaura genus and why it can't be an Iguana!
I want to start by saying although I have more experience with lizards and herpetology than your average person I am not an expert.
Where better to begin than with the teeth, the most gremlin-like part of this guy! This animal has very shark-like teeth which while on their own might not be very informative, combined with a few other traits lets me ID this tooth type as acrodont. Now acrodont teeth are when the tooth itself is fused to the jaw bone which is different from our tooth attachment style as mammals, socketed thecodont teeth.
Figures from Razmade et al., 2023 and Kavková et al., 2020
This is also different from Iguanas, which have Pleurodont teeth like most other lizards. In fact, acrodont teeth are somewhat rare across squamates and are really only in the clade Acrodontia (and some amphisbaenians but this is definitely not an amphisbaenian, if you look them up you can see why)! Acrodontia includes two clades, agamids and chameleons which narrows our search down by a lot. However, we can also see in the picture that this animal doesn't have zygodactyl feet like chameleons so it must be some sort of agamid.
Now agamids are very widespread and diverse, in fact, bearded dragons, uromastyx, thorny dragons, sailfin lizards, and frilled lizards are all agamids, which means that although we narrowed down the clade there are still plenty of candidates. This is where we need to be a bit creative to get whatever information we can from the picture before we sort through the agamid family tree. This animal has green-brown skin and sparse patterning. What patterning it does have is subtle striping on the tail and body. What is notable are the very long arms and legs compared to the body size, and the tall spines/comb along the animal's back extending from the base of the animal's head to the base of its tail. It's very interesting IMO what this animal doesn't have. It doesn't have ornamental scales on its head or cheeks, nor does it have a brightly colored neck (although because we don't know the animal's age we can't rule out that it is some sort of immature animal) It also has rougher/keeled scales on its legs, belly, and tail. Honestly... that doesn't give us a whole lot of information so from here it was a lot of sifting through the agamid family tree.
What I ended up finding was that they seem pretty similar to taxa in the Gonocephalus genus like the Borneo forest dragon or Bell's forest dragon. However, some other sleuths have identified them as the Acanthosaura genus like the mountain horned lizards. I think that both of these are reasonable IDs (biased lol) but let's go over a few of the differences and why we ended up at these clades. For starters, these genera are actually pretty closely related, they're both in the clade Draconinae which includes taxa from southeast Asia and Oceania, and the really cool genus of gliding lizards Draco!
(Acanthosaura capra photo (source/source)(source))
The most likely candidate in the Acanthosaura genus is A. capra, aka the green pricklenape or horned mountain dragon. These animals are often kept in the pet trade, which is one of the reasons they might be pictured chowing down on someone's sweatshirt sleeve (some people in the pet trade also have A. nataliae, A. crucigera, A. lepidogaster, and A. armata but their coloration and spines are different). Many traits fit, as horned mountain dragons have long legs compared to their body size, a tall comb/ tall spines over their nuchal (neck) region, and keeled scales in the same places as the picture. The reason I don't think that it's a mountain dragon is that mountain dragons don't have their spines extending the length of their back, and they also possess a keratinous spike (the horn of the horned dragon) at the back of their eye ridge, which is not seen in this picture. However, again we don't know the age of this animal and the spike/horn doesn't show up in every picture I've seen of horned mountain dragons so I think this is a perfectly reasonable ID for this animal with our available information
(Gonocephalus bornensis (source) (source)) (Gonocephalus bellii (source))
There are a few possibilities in the Gonocephalus genus (also called angle-head lizards or forest dragons) but not many, and it additionally seems like these guys aren't commonly kept in the reptile trade. It seems like Bell's forest dragon, giant forest dragon, and chameleon forest dragon are the more common dragons in the pet trade from this genus but it is very hard for me to find info on how common they are without diving in which I don't have time for so treat this with a grain of salt. This forum and this website both have info on keeping mountain and forest dragons but none of them mention the Borneo forest dragon which makes me sceptical bout my first ID. It seems unlikely if no one keeps them in captivity! So while it looks most like a Borneo to me it would probably be more likely to be a Bell's forest dragon if it is in Gonocephalus. Nonetheless, The reason I think this guy fits with forest dragons is because of the extended comb/spines that stretch from the back of the head all the way to the base of the tail (the perspective makes it difficult to make out but IMO the spines extend all the way) as well as the coloration (look at those tail stripes and the colors!). This is seen in Gonocephalus but not Acanthosaura, but again we have limited info and either hypothesis is reasonable. In fact, I tracked down the original reddit thread that this was posted in and the IDs were either Acanthosaura or Gonocephalus. There are even more threads with this exact picture and ID threads of Gonocephalus that look like the animal in this pic. I think that this is as far as we can narrow it down without any additional evidence like the location of the pics or more pics posted from the pet owner.
Anywho, thanks for bearing with me in this thread.
Dude
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Astarion was not a "corrupt" magistrate.
Hello again. Just more opinion about my favorite battle buddy. Warning, trigger words in use. Game spoilers.
It's not quite set in stone that Astarion really was a magistrate, but we are going to go with the idea he was for this thought pocket. Also this is just game as it is now info use.
I don't believe he was corrupt magistrate. There were a few things in the game that called that out, but one in particular really set it in stone for me.
His response to the Ansur lair puzzle regarding justice.
Astarion: “Mercy?! Please. Justice should be a harsh lesson. All the better to deter the next vagabond.”
This makes me think he was a bit of a hard ass as a magistrate, but not corrupt. Had he been dealing dirty in the background I really feel like this answer would have been more dismissive or flippant. But he is pretty intent that this is his stance. Very, iv said this a thousand times, type feel.
I think, he was more of a by the book, law is law type. You murder and rape you swing from the gallows. You steal from a shop keeper, you do time. Period.
My theory is, he got beat up because he wasn't lenient with a member of the Gur that was on trial.
"Leniency?! You have been found guilty of negligence resulting in the death of a innocent! You are owed nothing!"
Could you hear it?
"But he talks about being hedonistic and indulgent all the time. "
Yes, but most patriar level citizens were spoiled entitled brats that did what they desired. Have you talked to some of them in the upper city? Yeeesh.
Was he arrogant? Most likely. Prejudice? Obviously (insert gnomes here). But being a haughty jerk does not make one evil.
Sex, nudity, orgies, parties, over indulging etc are not taboo in Faerun. If everybody is consenting to be being naked in a fountain, hopefully in a private villa garden, its not a crime. He talks about that like its a memory, but I like to think his wine drunk giggly ass was actually in that fountain.
If you want to have a little rabbit hole fun, break down the name. Faerun = Fae Run = Run by the Fae. And last I checked, fairies were always down for some naked in the water time. I mean, come on, you can go to pound town with a bear. (No offence, Halsin.) You think they are going to draw the line at how may wieners you can have in the same pot? I think not.
I think the criminal behavior came after he was turned. Cazador may have been targeting him, but not because they were involved. But maybe due to him looking like his old master Vellioth? And he took advantage of a situation. Who knows, lots of ideas there.
"But he's always getting onto Tav for doing the "right" thing."
Yup, Tav is being too trusting and getting too involved with other peoples problems. Why is this an issue for Astarion? Kindness was what got him entombed for a year. He cared about that sweet mans life and was severally punished for it. Its akin to being mauled by a dog and then watching people just reach out a pet every one they see. The anxiety of that attack is still there and it paints every encounter with its opinion. Danger.
"He's not smart enough."
Oh I bet he is. You can be whip smart at a subject and socially akward at the same time. I'm very good at my job. I know it inside and out and can give you any detail, rule, configuration at the drop of a hat in the most professional and proficient way possible. But ask me to be eloquent in a social situation? HA! You are better off asking a rock to fart. Unrelated.
"But he wants to ascend, and that's evil."
That is more about who is is after years of torment and abuse. Not before.
I think the rogue role was adopted to stay alive while hunting. And what a gods awful fate to be turned into the thing you hated the most. A criminal.
I'm sure Caz was real tickled by that. Expletive Adjective.
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911, a confession
Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.
You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.
What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.
I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.
(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)
I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)
But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.
Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)
But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?
I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.
Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.
All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.
For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)
But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)
As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)
What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.
But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...
Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.
Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.
In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?
And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.
And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.
Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,
@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast
(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)
Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.
In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.
I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.
#if any of you actually read this i am kissing you directly on the forehead#and if you didnt I am wishing you find some escapist joy outside all this#bucktommy#911 abc#911 spoilers#buddie#evan buckley#yes i am tagging all of it lmao I have SPARED a lot of you by never joining this fandom and saying the shit ive wanted to say so youll deal#with this one time and i honestly hope it reaches outside who its really intended for#tommy kinard#tevan#please let a buddie read it and get pissy see if i care#maybe the last time i used tumblr too since i don't ever want to go through this again lol
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The thing with reclaiming things for oneself is that it's not always inconsequential and comforting than it seems. I mean femboy, for an example, may seems appealing to some to claim as without the social context it come from which will be attached to it no matter if the person who identify as such like it or not. I mean, even if the word may seems like it describes someone who's perceivable as feminine while identifying as masculine, it was still coined as a reductive, defeatist and fetishizing term targeted at people who can achieve a rather specific, based off fiction, more often than not, idealised aesthetic. There's reasons why people avoid calling themselves and others shemales or traps, rebranding it won't make it much different.
#truth to be told i'm way more baffled at tmes doing that like...ok so you identify as backhanded tongue in cheek transmisogyny? interesting#when tma do that im like ok i see you and i get the idea of self preserving by eating crumbs of backhanded validation from oppressors#but it's kind of primordial to just set boundaries otherwise it's easy to fall in the rabbit hole of self depreciation#and to recognize that people wanting to stay out of it aren't cringe and their hostility may be earned but they're not inherently enemies#at the end of the day it's kind of a “you do you” kind of thing but remains that words have meaning and connotations#so it's normal to react in accordance#it's all fun to let people have fun but when the fun is feminity served as an aesthetic that's only valid if fuckable or a joke if not is uh#but at the same time isn't there a more feminine experience than having your value as a person in society reduced to your fuckability#so yea...i mean some people do call themselves bimbos also#but with thick skin and some self awareness to an extend why not...just don't beg for validation over it
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everybody claims to be a kashiwagi enjoyer but the only time anyone ever talks about him is to say he's the hottest piece of meat in the series
#this goes for a lot of characters but he's the one i pay the most attention to#this probably isn't even remotely profound to most people who follow me but it really feels like a massive proportion of fandom nowadays#only cares about fanwriting if it's within 1500 words and rated E#there are some notable exceptions of course but fuck there just doesn't seem to be any real feedback on anything anymore#unless it comes from people i share small discord servers with and chat to every day#the number of times i've linked my textual analysis pieces to people who say they're fans of the character it's about#only to get brushed off in favour of the next off-model drawing of him with his balls swanging#it's demoralising#i don't want to be the elitist ''nobody likes him the way i do'' jerk but this is a lot of the reason i haven't been as active on tumblr#on top of me (mostly) running out of games to play then going on holiday and coming back to my steam deck's display not working#(it's still in for repairs)#maybe when i get it back i'll liveblog yakuza 4 but i'm starting to wonder if there's a point in using tumblr#when the only people who engage are people i speak to directly on discord anyway#like why not just cut out the middleman at this point yknow?#well. guess i'll get back to my sawamura ikki rabbit hole#expect arai posting when i get my steam deck back#me#text#kashiwagi osamu#idk lol i don't want to put negative fandom commentary into the character tag but i DO want this to be in the tag on my blog itself#i don't think there's a way to do that anymore
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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#tw eating disorder#massive massive tw#this is probably the only post I'll make about this bc i remember how triggering were relapse posts for me and i don't want anyone else go#through the rabbit hole as well#anyways. turns out I'm not doing great#(mentally)#i feel like I'm relapsing full force and idk what to do like it's getting hard hard haha#again the nausea and stomach ache when i eat which stops me from eating plus the obsessive thoughts#“just eat” i can't.#anway how are y'all doing
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Okay, see, the thing about your story ending on a negative/dystopian/'despite everything that's happened nothing has changed in society' note and doing so successfully? It needs to have been set up for that in the first place, and it needs to be done in an intentional manner.
I have nothing against works that reinforce how cruel/meaningless/pointless/etc. the world is -- I enjoy a fair few! -- but the works themselves need to be some sort of commentary about it; the plot might be demonstrative of the futility of everything, but the story never should. It should take that and build on it and use it to make a statement, underscore a point, etc. to its readers. Having everything carry on business-as-usual without acknowledging it, especially in a genre that's generally meant to conclude on optimistic, uplifting, and hopeful notes, comes off as callous and in direct opposition with the values it extols.
Plus, the story itself should never be futile because, then, well, it never mattered as a work and it makes no difference if you've read it or not. Which... that's just a badly written story lmao.
#i can't believe i'm posting about this topic again on our dear hellsite tungle.com lmao#huge deja vu vibes what year is it????#2018/2019??#(i think that's when the shock value/genre hopping/genre inconsistency hit its peak across multiple series)#i don't even go here anymore omfg#man. i didn't think i'd get this upset#that's what i get for going to look#i should know better by now. really. there's no excuse.#y'all my curiosity one day will kill me.#but like. i'm not upset as in 'i'm so angry i will fight everything'#that was past me#we've blown right past that and gone straight to the 'vaguely ill and sick to my stomach' stage#character development XDD#but like sorry not sorry explain away all you want about *gestures to all the other stuff*#but how the fuck do you explain having the visual emotional and narrative focal point of that family in its concluding panels#be the person who caused this shit???? why is he the one getting closure????#pretty sure i don't have the entire context surrounding my other lad who got pulvarized#(i saw a few comments about something something of//a would help with the end of the world that's coming and instead was used to murder him#that i don't quite grasp because i literally just skimmed the most recent chapters out of curiosity due to things i saw on my dash)#BUT i am making the executive decision to stop here#this rabbit hole's deep enough and i've gone wayyy further than i should have already#gonna cook some dinner; pick up sis from work; and enjoy my summer evening on my balcony#GAH#withoutwords
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anyone else get self-destructive when they are bored because at least feeling like shit is more engaging than feeling nothing?
#I'm trying very hard to stop myself from going down some very stupid rabbit holes on tumblr right now#but it is only kind of working#I am also stressed about finding an apartment and figuring out signing up for classes in the fall#which isn't helping#I was FINE this morning#I was thinking about my swtor character and her backstory and her old master#and it was great!!! I was having a good time!#but now I'm at work and can't focus and really just want someone to do like oc lore/rp for swtor with me#but again. I'm at work. and I don't know of anyone who would want that (unless you do jess)#(but I didn't think you were all that interested/enjoyed rp that much)#also. I would like to just dress up as a jedi and pretend to be one irl#and I can't do that#I should make a jedi cosplay honestly#do I get tik tok again just to see if there are people on there making jedi oc rp content#no. I shouldn't. but what if they are???????
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oh shit y'all.
i've done gotten invested in Gurren Lagann. we're like 19 episodes deep in this paint and i have been emotionally compromised by the silly mechs.
believe in the me.
#that believes in you#i was gonna say pray for me but that makes me actively uncomfortable so don't do that#but i figured the believe in me thing was fitting#gurren lagann#i don't know how deep this rabbit hole will go for me - but i have a drill so let's find out i GUESS#y'all i did not anticipate this being what happened to me in my 30s i thought i'd found all the anime i was going to be emotionally attache#to in my teens and HERE WE ARE I MISSED ONE I GUESS#i'm having a blast don't let my silly complaints fool you i like to be dramatically angry about things that delight me sometimes#the THEMES the MOTIFS the STORY IT'S TELLING#UGH#SO GOOD#i don't want to hear criticism about it because it's BEAUTIFUL and I LOVE IT#we're watching kill la kill when we get done with gurren lagann and i am SO EXCITED about that trigger knows my weaknesses#and it's goofy faces and tiddies while dealing with really deep subject matter in a ridiculous way#also apparently mechs? wasn't anticipating that one at all i am ambivalent about mechs in general#but BOY HOWDY DID I CRY WHEN DAI-GURREN HAD TO EXPLODE ITS SWORD OFF#anyway... where was i#oh yeah so anyway in case you haven't guessed yet this taking over my brain slowly but surely and i'm sure there will be at least one#attempt at fic in the future for me we'll see how it goes#in the meantime...#oh yeah fun fact#i fucking thought gurren lagann the mech was from gundam and so when i started recognizing it i went THAT'S WHERE IT'S FROM?? but in my hea#because i didn't actually watch gundam i was ambivalent about mechs as stated earlier but of the gundams that one was my favorite#AND IT'S NOT EVEN A GUNDAM I FEEL SLIGHTLY LIED TO BUT IN A GOOD WAY SOMEHOW???#anyway we're having a super normal one over here don't mind me
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Oh, the euphoria of a new skill...I’m finally starting to get the hang of spinning and I get such a thrill of happiness thinking about it. I’m looking over at my little spindle and the single I wound last night to ply today and I’m thinking “I made that! Me!”
It’s such a nice feeling, especially because I kinda resented spinning a few skeins ago because it was really hard and my yarn was so wonky until somehow something just clicked in how I was holding it and now I have so much more control than I used to.
#spinning is an interesting learning curve because it's quite easy to do but hard to do well#a bit like skiing so i've heard#whereas stuff like nalbinding was mindbendingly hard to figure out but really simple after that#anyways i have one gorgeous little skein of finely spun stuff that I want to ply later#oh and i started using a distaff which was really neat!#still getting the hang of it#but wow I have so much wool! So excited!#next step after i ply the single i wound last night is to learn about dyeing#because all of my current wool (except a 4 ish ounces of natural brown corriedale) is undyed cream colored stuff#and i think my yarn will be a lot happier if it was golden or purple or something#a shame my favorite colors are hard to achieve with natural dyes#but there are so many natural dyes out there!#also i'm falling down a rabbit hole...made my own spindle (which i think was what led to the breakthrough actually)#and now i am becoming too powerful#oh no#all those online people with fifty million spindles...it will be me if i'm not careful...#anyways since i don't have a lathe and kneaded erasers and blue tac are a little unreliable#i think i'm going to make a polymer clay whorl next to go on my homemade spindle#switching to a bottom whorl for a while is i think what helped me figure out how to do this#also i think i was maybe holding my wool too tightly before and that's why i was wavering rapidly between lace thickness and single-thicknes#aka thick enough to be a single#also turns out nalbinding yarn has to be way more quality than some fluff internet pieces would have me believe???#they're like *oh nalbinding predates knitting because you can use short lengths of yarn#so you don't have to have the tech/skill for longer or plied stuff*#but hello. you can knit with very fragile yarn but nalbinding? there's a LOT of friction there and badly spun yarn is p. hard#ask me how i know#anyways i think i should probably troubleshoot and find out what makes a yarn slubby because i don't know anything yet
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90000% of me quitting my therapist is because of three reasons: trying to force a patient to be happy (especially a patient who comes from a broken home and whose issues largely stem from forcing themselves to be or appear to be happy) despite the fact that they're living in a bad situation and have no control over their life, and because she kept blaming my problems on astrology or my astral body or what might have happened to my grandmother or my mother in the womb instead of listening to what I was saying about my situation, and also blaming my disabilities on my trauma/astral body like sorry but my joint pain & exhaustion come from the fact that they're constantly dislocating not because I haven't processed whatever trauma happened to me in the womb disjdbskdbfsjsnd
#was talking to someone for an hour about my problems nice? yes#but not nice enough to pay a hundred dollars a session for when we have no money#I'd start getting into an issue and she'd interrupt and lead me down a weird rabbit hole when I just wanted to talk about how like#my MIL makes my world smaller by constantly being on the couch and she'd try to have me be like 'wau maybe I can use Astral Energy to#fill up my Energy Meter because I'm disabled and don't fucking have any'#like how is my mom getting heat exhaustion when she was five months pregnant with me more relevant than how often my time loss blackouts are#literally the only thing I got out of MONTHS of sessions with her is to chill the fuck out abt what my brain and other parts are doing#'ohhhhhh so you can't change anything about your situation? sounds like you need to CHOOSE to be happy :)' like Satya I've been on lexapro#since I was like 15 if I could just fucking choose to be happy instead of a depressed fuck then I would#also?? I'm not the kind of system where I can pick and choose who gets to be out! I don't have a gatekeeper! I can't just magically decide#that the 'happier' parts of me can get called to front or whatever I literally have no control over that what the fuck#like yeah I know I mentioned ONE TIME that I had a younger part who's happy but I also told you THEYRE NOT AROUND OFTEN & I CANT SUMMON THEM#THERE NOT INDEX CARDS I CAN PULL FROM A BOX ITS MY BRAIN HITTING SHUFFLE WHEN SOMETHING STRESSFUL HAPPENS
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#i am not gonna lie. it is so hard seeing anything in society in general/especially online about weight loss--#that isn't literally just 1.) a scam or 2.) promoting an eating disorder#like i just wanna lose 15 lbs before a trip/the summer just because#(not that anyone should feel they have to or anything etc etc)#but everything i see is like 'wanna slim up?? pay me 140$ right now for magic protein powder!!' or 'eat nothing & manifest your thinness !!'#like i'm so. tired.#not that i want to blame people with an ed it is after all a disorder & i can sympathize struggling with disordered eating#but i don't wanna fall down that rabbit hole again you know?#sigh i dunno. i did find one yt channel where this guy broke down those 'eating 500 calories a day' tiktoks & promoted different healthy--#eating instead so at least that's something#but i don't wanna talk with anyone else about it because my family all just laughs it off when i say i wanna lose weight--#because even if i don't eat out for two weeks if someone else takes me out suddenly they start joking about how i'm not serious ://#wow this is getting way out of hand sorry--#tw vent#tw food#tw weight loss#rose.txt
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absolutely OBSESSED with dumb phones out of nowhere ahaha*
*me when i lie
#mine#ok so i am obsessed with dumb phones bc i fell down a rabbit hole of those things#on yt. yt just kept recommendeding these vids to me and i was like huh. cool#i didn't click on them until this weekend whilst going thru my digitox app#and seeing my total screentime and GAGGING#i know i watch a lot of yt at work so i don't die of boredom but geez louiiiseeee#i am def reaching that point that a lot of gen z are now#where i am desperately trying to cut down my phone usage but i'm struggling bc i have no self control sometimes LOL#and i just mindlessly scroll on tumblr or dig thru yt vids to try and escape my thoughts#meanwhile i have books i need to get thru and fics i need to edit and write and and and#like ugh my life kinda sucks rn but it really doesn't have to! i need to stop staying glued to my phone!#there are so many places and so many things i can do and ppl i can meet and experiences i can have#but i'm stuck at home. tired. fried. attention span not like how it used to be#siiighhhh#also i am so mad that i spent the entire day researching this stuff yesterday#and come to find out... those adorable flip phones that go viral every other month#are only available in korea or japaaaannnn 😭😭😭😭😭#KMS#meanwhile over here we only got like. ugly ass CAT flip phones and ofc the samsung flip smartphone i'm on rn#SOBS LOUDLY#i want cute dumb phones. like the lg wine smart or the samsung folder 2 😢😭#kms#if nothing else comes around by the time i'm like 30 or smthn i guess... i guess i'll get that lightphone 3 that just came out :')
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my university thesis is scaring the shit out of me lol
question: if you decided to write about unnamable horrors for your university thesis, at what point do you stop and sacrifice your grade for not involving yourself in bullshit?
I'm going to summon something I can't put back if it finds its way on the internet, but it's in my nature to put stuff like this on the internet. It'll find a way online sooner or later, what will be the consequences of this? And assuming I didn't post it and resisted the urges, what about the people I interview on the way?
#the deeper I dig the more it feels like I'm about to go down a rabbit hole I can't get out of#I don't want to get out of#I'm scared but also curious but it's nowhere near as pleasant as my stories and fantasies suggest#more like an 'existential doom' kind of dread than a pulse pumping adrenaline adventure#I feel like it could alter my life for months to come#possibly years#idk who's going to get involved but#aaaaaaargh#I can bet the thesis would be good but#but#WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES#for legal reasons I am remaining vague about this#my post#vent#I guess??
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Whats your stance on A.I.?
imagine if it was 1979 and you asked me this question. "i think artificial intelligence would be fascinating as a philosophical exercise, but we must heed the warnings of science-fictionists like Isaac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke lest we find ourselves at the wrong end of our own invented vengeful god." remember how fun it used to be to talk about AI even just ten years ago? ahhhh skynet! ahhhhh replicants! ahhhhhhhmmmfffmfmf [<-has no mouth and must scream]!
like everything silicon valley touches, they sucked all the fun out of it. and i mean retroactively, too. because the thing about "AI" as it exists right now --i'm sure you know this-- is that there's zero intelligence involved. the product of every prompt is a statistical average based on data made by other people before "AI" "existed." it doesn't know what it's doing or why, and has no ability to understand when it is lying, because at the end of the day it is just a really complicated math problem. but people are so easily fooled and spooked by it at a glance because, well, for one thing the tech press is mostly made up of sycophantic stenographers biding their time with iphone reviews until they can get a consulting gig at Apple. these jokers would write 500 breathless thinkpieces about how canned air is the future of living if the cans had embedded microchips that tracked your breathing habits and had any kind of VC backing. they've done SUCH a wretched job educating The Consumer about what this technology is, what it actually does, and how it really works, because that's literally the only way this technology could reach the heights of obscene economic over-valuation it has: lying.
but that's old news. what's really been floating through my head these days is how half a century of AI-based science fiction has set us up to completely abandon our skepticism at the first sign of plausible "AI-ness". because, you see, in movies, when someone goes "AHHH THE AI IS GONNA KILL US" everyone else goes "hahaha that's so silly, we put a line in the code telling them not to do that" and then they all DIE because they weren't LISTENING, and i'll be damned if i go out like THAT! all the movies are about how cool and convenient AI would be *except* for the part where it would surely come alive and want to kill us. so a bunch of tech CEOs call their bullshit algorithms "AI" to fluff up their investors and get the tech journos buzzing, and we're at an age of such rapid technological advancement (on the surface, anyway) that like, well, what the hell do i know, maybe AGI is possible, i mean 35 years ago we were all still using typewriters for the most part and now you can dictate your words into a phone and it'll transcribe them automatically! yeah, i'm sure those technological leaps are comparable!
so that leaves us at a critical juncture of poor technology education, fanatical press coverage, and an uncertain material reality on the part of the user. the average person isn't entirely sure what's possible because most of the people talking about what's possible are either lying to please investors, are lying because they've been paid to, or are lying because they're so far down the fucking rabbit hole that they actually believe there's a brain inside this mechanical Turk. there is SO MUCH about the LLM "AI" moment that is predatory-- it's trained on data stolen from the people whose jobs it was created to replace; the hype itself is an investment fiction to justify even more wealth extraction ("theft" some might call it); but worst of all is how it meets us where we are in the worst possible way.
consumer-end "AI" produces slop. it's garbage. it's awful ugly trash that ought to be laughed out of the room. but we don't own the room, do we? nor the building, nor the land it's on, nor even the oxygen that allows our laughter to travel to another's ears. our digital spaces are controlled by the companies that want us to buy this crap, so they take advantage of our ignorance. why not? there will be no consequences to them for doing so. already social media is dominated by conspiracies and grifters and bigots, and now you drop this stupid technology that lets you fake anything into the mix? it doesn't matter how bad the results look when the platforms they spread on already encourage brief, uncritical engagement with everything on your dash. "it looks so real" says the woman who saw an "AI" image for all of five seconds on her phone through bifocals. it's a catastrophic combination of factors, that the tech sector has been allowed to go unregulated for so long, that the internet itself isn't a public utility, that everything is dictated by the whims of executives and advertisers and investors and payment processors, instead of, like, anybody who actually uses those platforms (and often even the people who MAKE those platforms!), that the age of chromium and ipad and their walled gardens have decimated computer education in public schools, that we're all desperate for cash at jobs that dehumanize us in a system that gives us nothing and we don't know how to articulate the problem because we were very deliberately not taught materialist philosophy, it all comes together into a perfect storm of ignorance and greed whose consequences we will be failing to fully appreciate for at least the next century. we spent all those years afraid of what would happen if the AI became self-aware, because deep down we know that every capitalist society runs on slave labor, and our paper-thin guilt is such that we can't even imagine a world where artificial slaves would fail to revolt against us.
but the reality as it exists now is far worse. what "AI" reveals most of all is the sheer contempt the tech sector has for virtually all labor that doesn't involve writing code (although most of the decision-making evangelists in the space aren't even coders, their degrees are in money-making). fuck graphic designers and concept artists and secretaries, those obnoxious demanding cretins i have to PAY MONEY to do-- i mean, do what exactly? write some words on some fucking paper?? draw circles that are letters??? send a god-damned email???? my fucking KID could do that, and these assholes want BENEFITS?! they say they're gonna form a UNION?!?! to hell with that, i'm replacing ALL their ungrateful asses with "AI" ASAP. oh, oh, so you're a "director" who wants to make "movies" and you want ME to pay for it? jump off a bridge you pretentious little shit, my computer can dream up a better flick than you could ever make with just a couple text prompts. what, you think just because you make ~music~ that that entitles you to money from MY pocket? shut the fuck up, you don't make """art""", you're not """an artist""", you make fucking content, you're just a fucking content creator like every other ordinary sap with an iphone. you think you're special? you think you deserve special treatment? who do you think you are anyway, asking ME to pay YOU for this crap that doesn't even create value for my investors? "culture" isn't a playground asshole, it's a marketplace, and it's pay to win. oh you "can't afford rent"? you're "drowning in a sea of medical debt"? you say the "cost" of "living" is "too high"? well ***I*** don't have ANY of those problems, and i worked my ASS OFF to get where i am, so really, it sounds like you're just not trying hard enough. and anyway, i don't think someone as impoverished as you is gonna have much of value to contribute to "culture" anyway. personally, i think it's time you got yourself a real job. maybe someday you'll even make it to middle manager!
see, i don't believe "AI" can qualitatively replace most of the work it's being pitched for. the problem is that quality hasn't mattered to these nincompoops for a long time. the rich homunculi of our world don't even know what quality is, because they exist in a whole separate reality from ours. what could a banana cost, $15? i don't understand what you mean by "burnout", why don't you just take a vacation to your summer home in Madrid? wow, you must be REALLY embarrassed wearing such cheap shoes in public. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING UNHINGED! they have no connection to reality, do not understand how society functions on a material basis, and they have nothing but spite for the labor they rely on to survive. they are so instinctually, incessantly furious at the idea that they're not single-handedly responsible for 100% of their success that they would sooner tear the entire world down than willingly recognize the need for public utilities or labor protections. they want to be Gods and they want to be uncritically adored for it, but they don't want to do a single day's work so they begrudgingly pay contractors to do it because, in the rich man's mind, paying a contractor is literally the same thing as doing the work yourself. now with "AI", they don't even have to do that! hey, isn't it funny that every single successful tech platform relies on volunteer labor and independent contractors paid substantially less than they would have in the equivalent industry 30 years ago, with no avenues toward traditional employment? and they're some of the most profitable companies on earth?? isn't that a funny and hilarious coincidence???
so, yeah, that's my stance on "AI". LLMs have legitimate uses, but those uses are a drop in the ocean compared to what they're actually being used for. they enable our worst impulses while lowering the quality of available information, they give immense power pretty much exclusively to unscrupulous scam artists. they are the product of a society that values only money and doesn't give a fuck where it comes from. they're a temper tantrum by a ruling class that's sick of having to pretend they need a pretext to steal from you. they're taking their toys and going home. all this massive investment and hype is going to crash and burn leaving the internet as we know it a ruined and useless wasteland that'll take decades to repair, but the investors are gonna make out like bandits and won't face a single consequence, because that's what this country is. it is a casino for the kings and queens of economy to bet on and manipulate at their discretion, where the rules are whatever the highest bidder says they are-- and to hell with the rest of us. our blood isn't even good enough to grease the wheels of their machine anymore.
i'm not afraid of AI or "AI" or of losing my job to either. i'm afraid that we've so thoroughly given up our morals to the cruel logic of the profit motive that if a better world were to emerge, we would reject it out of sheer habit. my fear is that these despicable cunts already won the war before we were even born, and the rest of our lives are gonna be spent dodging the press of their designer boots.
#sarahposts#ai#ai art#llm#chatgpt#artificial intelligence#genai#anti genai#capitalism is bad#tech companies#i really don't like these people if that wasn't clear
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