#I'm gonna watch Talks it's really good for catharsis

[erithel]

Piggybacking off of your response to the previous ask, man can I just say what an utter clusterfuck the whole "gone" situation was follower-wise... i'm gonna make this about me so sorry about that, however i'm the kind of person that can't really articulate their thoughts, can't see through the layers as clearly as others and when people post a thoughtful analysis that reflects my feelings about the fic while the best thing I can come up with is something like "wow, fic good❤️" (which yeah I know is still fine but anyway) it makes me feel so much better because what is trapped in my head is articulated as I wanted to express it... that being said, seeing you explore ptsd and lance's grief like this stirred smth in me, I cried at times, so I was very excited to see people in your asks sharing their thoughts and all... And then they didn't seem to care so much about it (not all of them obvs) and at first it was like "hahah yeah.. we all want them to kiss xd lol" but then seeing you post about how people would essentially flood your asks for klance to KISS ALREADY™ plus with other general stuff... Idk if it was frustrating for me I can't even begin to imagine how it was for you, because this is like.. still a story, just in comic form, so yes it has an arc it need to complete. We could see the episode count from the beginning too if I remember correctly, so being so insistent about it was weird? Either way, it was a story and it was getting somewhere and spamming about when your ship will be canon is kind of annoying. So sorry this happened to you and so happy you pushed through! I binge it on the regular!

I feel like I could do a Ted Talk on the etiquette of commenting at this point, through my own experience, and also reading comments my friends have received on their work.

But essentially what it boils down to is two things:

Creators put a lot of work into their stories, and

They choose to write stories their way

The way that I write fan content (both fics and comics) is because these stories and these subjects are important to me. Some of them are very personal, too. And I know I am not the only creator who chooses to write this way.

Obviously the way I reacted to the "just kiss already" comments may have seemed like an overreaction from the outside (I thank you for being understanding in your ask btw).

But the message those constant comments were sending was a very clear one of:

All the thought/time/work you put into this story does not matter

Everyone who ever told you to "just get over it" was right

Grief can be a very physical and powerful thing.

Losing someone you love leaves you with this excess of love and affection that now has no where to go. You used to have a place to direct it, and when that place is suddenly gone, it takes a while to learn how to function again; to redistribute that love.

It's something that never goes away, it just gets manageable. And it's definitely not something you can "just get over."

I'm not saying I'm the greatest storyteller of all time, but I was tired of reading books and watching movies and shows where the characters never felt the aftermath of a loss. They all just moved onto the next episode or the next chapter like nothing ever happened.

And I do think it's important to tell stories like this in fanfiction. Because many readers are younger. Many readers rely on reading fanfiction because it's free. Many readers need hope and catharsis. And getting to read about their favorite characters go through terrible things but realistically come out on the other side is, to me, very important. Because the stories we read - no matter if they are free or published works - can stick with us for the rest of our lives.

This is why it was such a big deal for me. Because I was trying to tell a story that said "Please take your time to get over things. Please know that it's okay if you don't immediately snap back to the way things were. Please know that it's okay to feel whatever it is you are feeling." And getting comment after comment that said the exact opposite was honestly just crushing.

I would take a "wow, fic good" comment any day. Because it acknowledges what has been done, instead of demands things to speed up to suit someone else's needs.

And, on a slightly more petty note... it was a klance fan comic. It's not like they weren't going to kiss. They just weren't going to do it in the middle of an argument where it wouldn't have stuck!

(I do also think it's funny that there's a perfect comic example of a kiss happening too early, before communication which happened right around the same time as Gone. And for the record, she's gotten way more and way worse comments than I did, so that's something worth mentioning, too.)

The point is that some stories are very personal to the author and very important to certain members of the audience. Of course no single story will be for everyone, but just because it is not going a certain way does not mean it's okay to demand it be changed.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Ok, Twins finale, here we go! I waited until now to watch episode 11, because I knew it would frustrate the hell out of me, and it did. So we're just gonna ignore most of that and move on to see how this all ends.

OMG, FINALLY! The emotional catharsis of the truth finally coming out!

And good for First for storming off. I'm still not sold on why he shouldn't just go back to Tonkla, so you got some work to do Sprite!

Oh, I'm so glad these idiots are going to learn their lesson about almost killing someone by...*checks notes*...having to quit their college sport.

At least let Zee punch them a bit!

Wait, how does First know this? Have they been talking? Did Zee tell him? I am so confused.

Aww, this is actually cute. I do enjoy that First is utterly unable to resist Sprite when he is physical in any way.

Ok, credit to the show for Sprite pointing out that First had to find out about him to know about the match. You win this round, show!

Arrgh, they are winning me back via cuteness! Devious little bastards.

These two can still fuck right off though.

I wish we had been able to see more of Sprite & Zee rebuilding their relationship. I know it's trickier to film, but even if they had a couple of meaningful talks on the phone...would have gone a long way.

I do like being able to see the difference Frame brings to the twins' physicality though! He's really good at this, and I don't think he gets enough credit for how differently each twin moves through the world.

Uh, well... better late than never?

First is a very forgiving man. That apology was not amazing.

Whoa, where is this coming from?!? They're so mean!!

Ok, this is actually kind of refreshing. Not everything has to be a grand romance!

I do love a good net kiss!

And a good storage closet hook up!

I'm gonna need to do some processing for my final thoughts on this one.

[milestonekestrel]

More proposals for ghost!finlay:

• Caz or Billy staring enrapturedly at a part of the shape or pretty lights, etc, and her appearing out of nowhere and shrieking "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THAT"

• Appearing randomly as they're exploring the building, staring at them, commanding 'get yer shite together' and disappearing again

• Extremely reluctantly notifying Caz when Addair's coming. (She's not gonna tell you where from, you gotta guess) ('He's near you.' thank you Finlay, but where? ' close.' thanks, Evin. 'don't fucking call me that or you'll get it' ... 'again' )

• Someone trying to engage in conversation with her and her just glaring pointedly until they shut up

• Standing right in the path of Addair, just cussing him out (won't do anything, but good for catharsis)

• Cursing any one of the polycrew out, unprovoked, because she's mad at Caz again

• Being a little heartfelt for an incredibly rare moment, and then stopping herself mid story to be like 'whatever, no one cares'

THIS IS ALL SO REAL AND TRUE!!!!

Finlay absolutely would stand there and curse Addair out. and he's just like ??? cause he can't seem to kill this person standing right in front of him. and the polycrew (I'm stealing this name I love it) are just watching like. damn. and unfortunately they are not spared from this </33. shes mad at Caz and addair and just generally everything right now and yeah it does spill over onto Billy and Suze. she has a bad habit of wall-slamming them. shes done it at least once to all three.

She did it immediately to Caz, and later when Billy told her not to talk to Caz like that she did it to him. shut him down real fast. and then she did it to Suze too. and Suze just got angry, but backed off all the same. nobody wants to challenge her lets be honest.

but she does have good moments, like you said. its when Caz talks Billy out of mutation, and they sit there for a bit. and she doesn't bother them during this time. she tells Caz he handled that well. she tells Billy that what he did was really fucking stupid, but brave. and her word are clipped and she doesn't look at them but it still means a lot. these happen very rarely, but enough for Caz to think that finlay doesn't actually hate him. doesn't hate any of them.

ohhh finlayyyyy I love you,,,,,,,,,

[criminal-sen]

I finally saw Nope (Jordan Peele's new-ish horror movie) and uhhh it's been stuck in my head ever since, so I'm gonna talk about it. It's not *quite* on my All Time Favorite Horror List (a thing that barely even exists in my head, let alone in printed form) but it's up there for sure. And do you want to know what really did it for me? It was the fucking RESTRAINT they used - not only in showing the Threat, but in picking apart its exact workings. I would say they slipped up a little bit here in the finale, as the protagonists do actually figure out a lot, but im giving it a pass. Because this movie is a horror, for sure, but it's also a story about black people overcoming that horror and standing victorious at the end, and the meta sense of catharsis that comes from that. I actually.. don't remember exactly how Us ended - a lot of that film kinda flew over my head bc im bad at media analysis stuff uhhh what is it, film theory? Yah i didnt.. take that. And my brain is like 'fun movie scary monster weeeee' for the most part. But i did manage to gather that between Get Out and Nope, Jordan Peele is sick of black characters dying, so hes 'fixing' the endings to be happy. And i think thats really fucking cool and also really fucking important. So yeah tldr it's okay they did the thing I usually don't like, and they still used more restraint than other movies, who don't even have a reason for it other than.. idk. Pissing me off

Oh right the other restraint they used, which I've seen talked about before, is in showing too much onscreen. Yknow like.. the horror movies that are scary as shit until the monster is revealed to be some cgi.. stupid fucking whatever... and a switch flips in your brain taking you from scared to annoyed. Yah they managed to not show parts they knew wouldn't work, then REALLY show parts they knew they could get right. Like the ending???? That was so fucking cool looking, like I cannot with that design, I fuck with it heavily and kinda want to draw it but. It also looks hard to draw lol

Okay well there was one specific scene especially, but it's a big plot spoil so I'm not gonna say it. But my favorite scene in the whole movie is one that's apparently quite divisive- some ppl hate it and say it looks like a fuckin car wash lmfao (and I'm being as spoiler-free as possible but that should give away the scene to ppl who've seen it) - but it's demonstrating that perfect balance of showing JUST enough to let your imagination fill in the rest. And I thought they did a damn good job with what was shown- between the fuckin hair raising screams and cries of the ppl in there, to the chaotic camerawork, like you're in there too and you're only getting glimpses, to the revelation itself, the massive OH SHIT of a plot reveal that's hitting so much harder than a detached 'we've figured it out' scene bc it's putting you IN it* and showing you the sheer, uncaring violence of it, and now you're finally understanding why the thing with the chimp (also???? Fucking horrifying???? But ngl it was also weirdly satisfying to see it fictionally portrayed??? bc yes, a chimp will fuck you up, just leave them be and shit like this won't happen ffs) exists in a movie about horse ranchers trying to film a UFO

*😏if you've watched it, do u.. do u see what I did there😏😏😏 also I might need to make another post with spoilers bc im a bit obsessed with it rn, I'm pretty sure they even snuck in an Akira reference (especially cuz they did the very obvious motorcycle slide later)

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

So i was scrolling through TikTok when i caught a clip of Oshi No Ko and got hooked into watching it. Hooked so badly that i had to look up and read the manga just to know what happened next. As someone who is also a creative head and would love to do all these creative jobs, acting, singing, comics, it really reeled me in and made me think about the work put behind it.

Particularly, it made me think about imposter syndrome. Am gonna go a lil more personal so I'll put it under a read more, as i don't really reference the manga.

The characters, all talented people in their own right, are constantly talking themselves down. That even highly praised people get shrouded with thoughts that they're not good at all. That anyone can do what they're doing. That there are people who do what they do better. And while it's true you'll always find someone better than you, it becomes hindering when you start turning negative thoughts onto yourself- that they're better than you and really you have no talent and have been faking it the whole time. Thus the term imposter.

Really, we admire other people being "better than us" because they do something differently to how we'd do it. We shower then with compliments, point out things we liked they did because we wished we could do the same. But those same people could admire us for doing things differently from them.

With imposter syndrome in the arts, you start losing the ability to recognize what makes you special. It doesn't let you see the value of your skill. It's why I take it to heart and always try to tell myself that no one can do things exactly the way i do. There is charm in my own personal craft. My style is my own. If i were to put myself in the shoes of a spectator who liked my craft, i can begin to like my stuff again and believe the compliments i receive. I can like myself again.

Seeing those moments in the characters, when they doubt themselves, gives me a sort of catharsis; it lets me see that I've improved on how i combat imposter syndrome. Well, that's when it comes to my craft. It still hits me really hard in my personal relationships- doubting people like me as a friend. But it definitely got me thinking of ways to already work on that aspect as well. I get stuck in a loop thinking "if they wanted my company they'd talk to me. but there are other people they could talk to, better people who are better friends, why do they need me?" And then i never reach out to chat, because I'm socially awkward and never have anything to talk about and i begin spiraling.

I've been recognizing this pattern though, and usually i can stop that kind of thinking.

So, after the manga started making me think of myself, i thought about how I kept believing that, whatever you thought about other people is actually how you view yourself. Usually it was tied to negative beliefs, but i wanna make it so that it applies to the positive. For example, if i thought a girl was a decent singer and i was jealous, I'd want to outshine her and sing louder, sing sweeter, sing fancier; this being because if I thought she was better than me, surely other people were thinking she's better than me. Instead, i want to be able to believe "if these people like her singing, then these/ different people might also like my singing too". It's a tough line of thinking to break, and why imposter syndrome is such a beast.

But yeah. Love when art makes me think so much about myself and are so inspiring.

[merlions]

Just for personal catharsis; there's hella untagged triggers in here so proceed carefully if you wish but I advise against it. I'm not fully gonna demand DONT READ cause I know I'm posting this on a public website but like I'm gonna suggest it

I am being so mad at myself for the ways i am being lately but check out this list of Factors with which I am currently Contending

> watching a show after dinner every night with my parents about rape culture during which an actual rape is depicted in a very similar way to what I have experienced many times and never really gotten any good mental health care for

> talking about that show w them as we watch and i realize my dad's forgotten that ive been raped or assaulted several times and doesnt realize how that may affect me and my views on the show and not being sure how to tell him and not wanting to have to do so just as a way to win an argument which is how i even did it the first time

> my [friend and roommate] [t'hy'la] [wife] is currently in our previous apartment with her family finishing cleaning it up and moving us out, and the last time I was there it was spending 2 weeks alone losing my mind while packing to move since my roommate had just been discharged from the hospital and we had gone our separate ways to heal and recover at our respective parents' houses and i was waiting for my dad to come so we could road trip back to my parents house

> continuous reminders of the trauma of seeing her in that hospital bed, incoherent, sweating, unconscious, of her not knowing between reality and hallucination, of knowing she genuinely almost died

> (side note this trauma was sufficient to make a large chunk of my hair fall out and to develop a specific type of eczema on my hands that my mom got when she was going through the stress of her father dying and I have barely even begun to process it)

> the first time she and i have ever been apart for more than 10 days in more than 7 years actually also and it's now been over 4 months

> doing therapy and having to relive every sexual assault, every bad thing I've done or has happened to me and try to come to terms with it

> parents on a starvation diet and im skipping meals, struggling to maintain my veneer of resisting my eating disorder spawned by chronic pain and nausea

> chronic illness flares goin roughhhh

> struggling to get my meds as per fuckin usual lately

> keep getting accidentally dosed w allium in like every meal and it's wreaking havoc on my shitty bod

> sleep schedule becoming the very most fuckening and getting 2-4 hrs of sleep per night interspersed w nights of 10+ hrs that fuck my sleep schedule worse

> some strange and awful mast cell garbage afflicting me

I mean there's more too. Like there's a lot, a LOT of good going on as well but like I can understand why I am functioning less than optimally and I should probably try a little harder to be kind to myself about it

[estelanel]

Mighty Nein ep. 21

That D&D Beyond intro is fucking awesome and got me all the more excited for the animated series. Fuck. I’m so hyped.

“Those are real drum fills, but it’s also me going ‘DUN-DUN, DUN-DUN, DUN-DUNN’.” - Bless Sam Riegel and everything he stands for.

Vox Machina and Mighty Nein: reliably teaching children swearwords since campaign 1.

“Insight check!” - “Welcome to playing with Caleb.”

Excuse me while I go and cry over Kiri purring along with Frumpkin.

M9: “You can tag along, but you gotta defend yourself, you gotta pay us so we let you take the item, and if you step out of line, Yasha’s gonna rip your pretty little head of.” Cali: “You all seem really lovely!” Bless you, unassuming one. Bless your sweet little soul.

“Don’t worry, Fjord is very wise.” - WIS 7.

((I enjoy it when Yasha and Fjord quickly and strategically exchange information in their calm, low voices.))

Confirmed: Fjord has literally no concept how to handle children.

Aw man. Nott’s first Uncanny Dodge. Fjord’s first Witch Bolt. Jester’s first Speak With Dead. My children are growing up so fast.

But can we talk about how Laura’s delivery of that Speak With Dead, from the very polite inquiry over the snap and the little sound effect right to her tiny shriek at the corpse moving, was completely and utterly flawless.

“That ends your turn, Fjord?” - “Yep... I cast Regret.”

Nott steals from a guest character. “People don’t like it when you do these things, Sam.” - Laura Bailey, once stole a flying broom from a guest character :D

There’s a fine line between being cautious and being paranoid, Caleb, and you’re only balancing it medium-well sometimes.

YES YASHA, DISPEL THAT SHIT!! Fuck me, that was so exciting! You go, girl!! (Kord says fuck you, Tiamat.)

[polyghostfacehours]

⚡️ Hobbies, 🌷 what they do to relax, 🌻 if they have pets, aand ⭐ misc headcanons for Jill because my soft-spot for her has been reignited after a rewatch recently,, oops

I'm also gonna be doing a rewatch soon, so this is perfect!

Jill Roberts Headcanons:

⚡️ Hobbies

Reality shows. She knows they're fake, but she loves to laugh at people embarrassing themselves. She watches them with Kirby and they have debates over who is the worst person on the show.

She sketches. Jill has this large art notebook in her room where she sketches out major events in her life, good and bad. She also draws future events she wants to happen, such as images of her walking down a red carpet with paparazzi following her, and images of you and her together having a celebrity wedding where Rihanna attends.

Jill reads as a form of escapism. She likes YA novels because of how unrealistic they are. In those, the main character, usually a woman, gets what she wants and gets to be a hero. It's a sort of catharsis for her to escape into it.

Jill is extremely toxic online and definitely enjoys leaving negative comments on forums or youtube videos. She's absolutely a cyberbully, and if you complain about it, she says she'll stop, but ultimately gets back into the habit on and off throughout her life.

🌷 what they do to relax

Jill likes to smoke on the roof of her house at night. Usually on the side away from the street, so she doesn't get caught with weed by any potential patrolling officers. But when she's feeling bold, she'll sit on the side facing the street and call Olivia on her cell. They both see each other and talk quietly on the phone, finding it amusing as Olivia sits by her window and Jill sits on the roof.

Social cleansing. Jill gets angry easily, even if she's pretty good at hiding it from most people. So when life is getting really on her nerves, she'll deactivate her social media accounts for a few days or so and kinda isolate in her room.

🌻 if they have pets

Nah. I feel like if she did, she'd be the type to have harmed them as a kid. She knows its fucked up, so she never asked for pets ever since she played around cruelly with her pet goldfish in 3rd grade.

⭐ misc

Jill wants to go blond so bad. She loves how it looks on Kirby, she's just worried it wouldn't look good on her bc she doesn't know she's Emma Roberts.

Jill loves plaid or striped clothing. Anything with a pattern she's down with, especially when she pairs it with black pants or jeans.

Jill has gone to therapy before, under the guise of depression and anxiety. But what she really wanted to do is talk to someone about her darker thoughts, and the way she seems to have trouble empathizing with people. She ended up not doing so anyway, because she got cold feet and felt like she couldn't open up.

Jill respects Billy Loomis, but she hates who he was as a person from what she knows of him. This is because of what happened with Trevor and that she hates fuckbois. She thinks the only cool thing about him is that he ended up making Sidney famous that's it.

Jill doesn't love her mom. She has trouble making genuine connections, and this extends to family. She may like her friends and hanging out with them, but even they don't mean much to her. It takes a very special person for her to genuinely care for them, BUT it can happen. And it does, when you come along.

Jill likes cartoons. I'm talking Tom and Jerry, Young Justice, Invader Zim, etc. She's embarrassed about this, and the only person who knows is Kirby, who is sworn to secrecy.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twenty - “collateral damage”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2k

synopsis: bucky and y/n deal with the emotional fallout of her departure from wakanda.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

warnings: mildly suggestive content, nothing explicit, 18+ readers please.

The flight home was wretched. Sleeping on the jet was impossible. Every time she shut her eyes she saw his face. If her mind did somehow manage to drift off to sleep, Y/N dreamed of him and woke up trying not to rip her hair out.

"We can still stay in contact, right?" Bucky asked as they were walking back from the waterfall.

They had left their catharsis by the water, still upset, but now calmer and more logical.

"I don't think so..."

"What? Why? It's not like we don't have the technology to do it."

"I know, but.." Y/N trailed off, trying to think of a sensible excuse.

Obviously they could stay in contact if they wanted. But any kind of phone call would be able to be tracked or recorded. That, and she didn't want him to hang on to someone who betrayed him. She couldn't imagine the guilt she'd have hearing Bucky's "I miss you's" or "Baby doll's" from miles away, knowing she lied to him.

"You don't even have a phone..."

"That's an easy problem to fix."

"I know... I just think you should focus on the rest of your healing, and... you know, I'll have a lot of work once I get back...." she took a breath. "I don't know if it's super healthy for us to cling on to each other when it... may be better to move on..."

"Move on?"

"Yeah..."

Bucky stopped walking and turned to face her. They both stood still and he stared at her, confused, as if he was trying to figure something out. He knew her well. She was scared he'd see right through her.

"So let me get this straight. When you're here we can talk all the time and... plenty of other things. But when you're away we can't even call each other?"

"Bucky..."

"That's not all, is it?"

She sighed. "I'm just... worried... about- like-... getting in trouble. If someone overhears or tracks a phone call...What if someone finds out where the 'Winter Soldier' is and comes here to exact revenge?"

That was partly true. She'd never want anyone bad to find out where he was. But no one was tracking her phone calls; she wasn't really a person of interest. In all likelihood, it probably wasn't something she'd have to be terribly worried about.

However, if anyone overheard or saw Bucky on the phone, they'd know it was her, and she doubted anything she could say would convince them that she didn't tell him about the arm.

Or maybe no one would find out. She just didn't want to take the chance. The last time she took a chance, this happened. She wasn't willing to do it again.

He stared at her with dejected eyes. "You know you don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay."

She rested her hands on his forearms and laughed sadly. "Bucky, I don't think I'm ever not gonna worry about you."

He was already in her heart. She didn't think he could leave now.

He let his eyelids fall shut. "I really don't want you to go."

She closed her eyes as well and let her forehead rest against the top of his chest.

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you either. But you're gonna do so well, even without me. And every day I'll wake up and think 'wow this man is sexy and has good coping mechanisms! I wish I was him!'"

In the midst of his sadness, she made him laugh. It was a despondent, quiet laugh, but she managed to lift his mood all the same - even if just a little bit. She'd always make everything better.

He gazed down at her, eyes heavy, and without even thinking about it... "I love you."

She looked down at the grass below her feet. "Buck..."

"I do. I'm sorry but I do."

She wrapped her arms around the middle of his back, pressing her face into the crook of his neck. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in tight, one arm up her back and the other cradling her head.

In the tiniest whisper, she let the truth flow out from her chest. "I love you, too."

The clouds provoked her, so peaceful and quiet, while her head was a big, loud mess. Y/N leaned her head on the window, glaring at them and wondering if she should've said what she did. That she loved him. Internally, she debated whether or not it would make things worse. But she wasn't going to see him again; she might as well have left him with the truth.

Time was lost to her. She thought she would be landing soon, but she couldn't be sure. She couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

-

Bucky sat at the lake - their lake - and just stared into the water. It felt so strange to him, that she was gone. One minute she was here and now he was just... alone.

It was so quiet. Too quiet. Of course being alone was quiet, but after Y/N left, the air just felt empty.

He wished he could talk to her. Whenever he was upset, all he wanted to do was talk to her.

"So, is this... d-do we say goodbye now?" he asked when they got back to his hut.

"Yeah..." she sighed. "yeah."

"Are you going back to Europe?"

"Yes. Belgium. Haven't been in my apartment in forever."

"Belgium," he wondered. "It's nice there. Safe. What are you gonna do for work?"

"Probably just continue where I left off on my research. Fancy brain stuff, ya'know?"

He grinned, proud. "My smart girl."

She looked around her, as if watching for something. Or someone.

"Buck, I think I have to go now."

"Just one more minute? Please. I wanna remember you like this. Not sad and crying."

Y/N smiled, grabbed his hands, and kissed his knuckles. Both flesh and metal. Because they were both part of him and she loved him. All of him.

Then, she placed both his hands on either side of her face. Softly she said, "remember me like this," before bringing their lips together.

He looked down at his vibranium arm, twisting his wrist to watch how the plates whirred.

Since the first moment he put it on, he had been using it to be gentle, loving, and affectionate. This arm was good. This arm wasn't used for death and destruction and violence.

With this arm he held her, kissed her, loved her. And now she was gone. And now it felt like dead weight.

— ONE WEEK LATER —

Whenever Bucky looked at his bionic arm he saw her. It began to make him sad.

His hair had been getting longer and longer. He could cut it now, now that he had two arms. But every time he tried, all he could do was stare at the arm and hear her voice in his head.

"That's your heart. That's you. You're all heart, Buck. You're so deeply, wonderfully human. All the way to your bones."

That was the first time he expressed real distress about missing a limb, he recalled. That was the first time they kissed. Funny how that transition was made, funny how she could remedy some of his worst emotions.

His days were boring and uneventful and nearly silent. He sat alone a lot. There was no laughter anymore, none of her laughter. There was no more holding, no more kissing, no more loving. The arm just felt... wrong? Like what it was born from had died.

-

In Belgium, Y/N felt incredibly uncomfortable. She knew she just needed to adjust to the change, after getting to used to life in Wakanda - life with Bucky. Her vacant apartment didn't feel as homey.

It had been, what, a year and a half? About a year and a half since she had been home. About a year and a half spent with Bucky.

Her apartment seemed so... barren. Void of life. And cold. She was used to the Wakandan heat. When she closed and locked the door behind her, she looked at the golden square that the sun cast through her window. It reminded her of that heat.

Y/N sighed, cursing her very own hippocampus for providing her with memory.

"God, I wish you had an AC in here."

She was in his bed. Well, she was on top of him, straddling him, in his bed.

"Is it hot or is it just you?" he joked, poking at her sides and trying to not pout at the loss of her lips.

"Ha. Ha," she rolled her eyes and brought her face back to his.

"Wait," Bucky said and gently pulled her face away to examine it. "You are a little warm."

"It's okay," she quickly tried to resume their previous activity.

"Hold on-" he got cut off as Y/N kept pecking his lips over and over.

"I have-"

Kiss.

"An idea-"

Kiss.

Lightly he pushed her shoulders away, nearly giggling. "Stop it! Just wait a second!"

Bashful, she conceded. "What?"

"Just-" he reached out and put the vibranium hand on her forehead, effectively cooling her down a bit. She closed her eyes and flashed a goofy smile.

"That feels nice."

Then, suddenly, he wrapped both his arms around her back and flipped them over so that he was on top. He smirked.

"Oh yeah, you just wait."

She hung her keys up and took a deep breath, absorbing the emptiness. This was her new normal; she just had to get used to it.

-

"I just- I don't really... I don't think I need it," Bucky tried to explain.

Want it, he thought. I don't want it. I can't stand to even look at it.

"You don't need it?" Shuri asked.

"Yeah, it-uh it takes a bit of getting used to and I think I just need a break. And I wouldn't want to damage it so... figured it's better with you."

He was better at lying than he gave himself credit for.

"Okay," Shuri accepted his answer and began to detach the bionic arm. "But you let me know if it's uncomfortable or painful anywhere so I can adjust it. Alright?"

"Alright. Thank you."

Finally he was rid of it- that cursed metal weighing down on his soul. Maybe now he could focus on other things. Maybe. It didn't seem likely...

However, as the days drew closer, it did make him slightly - only slightly -  less nervous about the trigger word experiment. Now he didn't have a weapon attached to him. Though he reckoned he was the weapon.

No. He wasn't supposed to think like that. He knew Y/N wouldn't want him to. He knew she would say something like, "You aren't what they tried to make you into. You're you and all HYDRA's awfulness can't change the good at your core. My Bucky. You're perfect."

He'd deny to high heavens that he was the farthest thing from perfect. Bucky had no clue how she could say such things. But her conviction never faltered.

Soon enough the day came. The experiment. All he could think about was how she was supposed to be there. He didn't want to do this without her.

But now, he found himself sitting at at a fire on some mountain with one of the Doras. It was dark and it was scary. He was scared.

"It is time," said Ayo.

Nevermind want. He wasn't sure if he could do this without her.

"Are you sure about this?"

"I won't let you hurt anyone."

He was still scared. He still didn't trust himself. But, staring into the fire, he thought back to a past conversation.

"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? ... And I will not let anything happen to you."

Bucky didn't have to trust himself. He just had to trust her. Even if she wasn't here, even if she was on another continent, all he had to do was trust her. When Ayo began reciting the trigger words, that was the one thing thing he held onto. The one thing that kept him afloat.

His trust in her.

delicate taglist: @emmojoy @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos

[danieyells]

Today i thought 'it'd be nice if we could get a cellphone in dol someday. It'd be hard to afford it, i'm sure a plan would be insanely expensive, but it'd be nice.'

Imagine sending Avery nudes while he's at work lol he'd either be incredibly annoyed you're trying to butt into his personal life or Stimulated and he'd seek you out to fuck immediately after work.

(also setting up dates with avery without having to wait for him to find you in the fuckin street)

The Asylum isn't far so I bet Eden's cabin gets weak service. Get Eden a phone and he's just. Horrifically incompitent with this sort of technology. Probably breaks it and needs it replaced all the time. Uses it to tell you he misses you constantly. If you take time to show him how to use the camera features he sends you images of the forest and the cabin. (-Stress -Trauma) Sometimes brutal images of things he's hunted or monsters in the forest. (+Stress +Trauma) (Of course if he takes pictures of [living!] wolves around the forest you may take a stress hit unless you have Stolkholm Syndrome Black Wolf and the wolves are members of your pack, in which case it's the opposite.)

How is he charging it? . . .Shhhh.

Robin tells you about his games. Buys games and is like 'i can't wait to play this with you!' if you haven't been to the orphanage or played games with him in a while. Talks about what he's heard about movies that're out(but not too much! He doesn't wanna spoil it if you're gonna see it!) or other things. Really only uses it if he hasn't seen you in a while or hasn't spoken to you outside of class. Tbh he'd only have one if you could pay for one and minutes/texts for him, so he uses it sparingly. Occasionally his will be broken when he's being bullied and he feels so bad if you buy him a replacement.

Kylar's a menace. But he means well. Texts you good night and good morning every day. Texts you pictures of his drawings, a lot of texts about how much he loves you or how good you look today. (-Trauma) Pictures of you that you don't remember him taking or that're from behind or the side in places you don't remember him being to have had reasonably taken pictures of you. (+Stress) Talking about how he's watching you or protecting you or how much he misses you or asking where you are if he lost track of you. (++Stress) And (+Jealousy) if he's watching you and you're calling or texting anyone but him lol

Whitney also being a menace but with less good intentions. Bullying, trolling, just being a little jackass as always. Sometimes sending you pictures other people have taken of you in encounters that he found online or that his friends sent from you doing things in school. (+Stress +Trauma) Sometimes gives your number out to people so you get spammed with unpleasant texts and calls(Skulduggery check to decieve them into thinking it's the wrong number; Promiscuity, Exhibitionism, Awareness, Prostitution enabled checks into various ways to make use of it for your gain, like arranging paid encounters or getting paid for nudes.) If he likes you he sends you nudes tho. And tells you to meet him places for what ultimately amount to dates or committing crimes. Gets pissy if you don't meet up with him though.

Bailey never messages you unless you're not home (or at Alex's) when they want their money. You don't even realize Bailey has your number until you get that message. (++Stress) The longer you go without paying the more uncomfortably threatening the messages get. And you can block them but the catharsis doesn't last long. (Lbr, Bailey'd be using a burner anyway, you block one number you get messages from another, it's pointless.) They may do something similar to Whitney where they'd give people your number so they harass you(although they only do so until you see Bailey) but since they allegedly already paid Bailey for your time you can't turn them around and it's just a lot of (+Stress) if you check your messages while Bailey'd looking for you lol.

And of course you could actually have exchanges and stuff on them. It wouldn't be exclusively recieving messages. Could probably take pictures or videos of places or yourself or things you see to send to people.

You'd also be able to lose it, get rid of it, have it broken or stolen, or leave it places--the latter is for things like breaking into houses or the docks so you take less Crime because there's "evidence" you weren't at the scene of the crime. You probably get burner phones from Landry. Obviously you pay more, you get more little features and ways to interact with it and others through it. But it'd also be more dangerous in a few ways.

Like. Something like that would never be implimented. That'd take a lot of coding and writing and it'd be a pain in the ass. But it's kinda fun to think about.

Also i'm realizing at the end of this post that the reason i even got on this train of thought and the reason i intended to make this post was because i saw the words 'look at this fucking cute dog!' and i imagined whitney's response to the player texting them that with a picture of them hugging a dog, if they have high bestiality fame and high love, would be 'look at this cute dog-fucker!'

And then i just started thinking about other phone interactions and got off track.

[danwhobrowses]

AEW Double or Nothing 2022 - Quick Thoughts and Review

So here we are again, half-spoiled and controversies aside, we are here again.

I told myself I wouldn't do one of these because it never gets much attention, but I like talking about it. I'm gonna make it shorter but here's my thoughts on AEW's latest 13-match PPV.

Spoilers for the PPV, watch first then come back

So firstly, the Buy-In was a tad disappointing in that it only had 1 match. Rampage can fit 3 matches so you can always have more.

Hookhausen = Good fun, Sterling and Nese did do their roles well but there was only one winner. Still though, that was 10 minutes of 1 hour.

MJF and Wardlow was first. I feel weird about it still, it's good he showed but what was the whole no-show about? Reports say he was in and then out, which fits his expression and the perfectly valid crowd reaction. Ironically, I'd bet without this stuff it wouldn't have been a pseudo-squash. There was at least catharsis, so maybe Max was working us (but he could also be playing Pillman, and if he is then AEW should just let him go, he isn't irreplaceable), I doubt we'll find out. In hindsight though, good call to make it the opener, get the awkwardness out of the way.

Liked Caprice Coleman's energy in the Elite vs Delete. I liked the match but I felt like it only got out of second gear. Definitely could've gotten more out of them

Jade with the pink and green hair was neat, the match was scrappy bit exceeded expectations, Stoke being Jade's new representation is interesting, and Athena showing up was a great addition for the roster (Jade could not hide her joy). But lowkey I was hoping Statlander would stare down Jade rather than Red Velvet, maybe she'll be after Athena.

It was cute to have a kid entering and PAC with a mask too, but the HoB's ghost paint was rightfully creepy. This Trios match was the energy injection the PPV needed though, I was hoping this'd segue into a Trios title announcement but the Julia turn finally paid off - still sad we didn't go with Abadon though she had the perfect look for it.

In case you didn't know; Adam Cole is really good at the selling, and Samoa Joe is good at the strikes, and both men are good at the graps. It was odd that this was before Darby/KOR, since his intent was to stop them from interfering, and it turned to be a downfall since Bobby Pescado assisted in the abrupt W.

Positioning was key for the Women's final though. The musical performances were good, the match built up as it went along, but I feel like this was the wrong call. Ruby has now lost 3 big matches now, TK must've known this'd draw heat too. It just instigates zero change; Kris lost to Ruby again, Ruby lost to Britt again, so all their progress they've made feels for naught because they're still in the same place they were, even though Baker's not champion and had no interference this time.

How can you doubt that Sammy and Tay aren't knowing heels when they did the Cody entrance with Tay dressed as Maleficent? Muddled storyline aside there was no doubts that 5/6 of these wrestlers could work a good match, the 6th PVZ may need to work on her theatrics but her technique was solid. As expected it was Frankie and Sammy's rift that led to their downfall, and it is finally over. No Miro, but maybe soon, if not give the TNT title to Cinnabon man (Takeshita)

Darby/KOR should've been the Buy In, it was well worked and physical, but it felt a like filler (especially since the matches Darby threatened to get involved in already happened).

The Women's title match went OFF, wonderful technical wrestling, there was no doubt Deeb and Rosa could pull off a good match

'Shit's about to hit the fan' was apt. Chaos personified with so many cuts, props to Menard for blading to a fork super early. Gnarly fucking spots too, car crash wrestling at its finest. Finish I think was mixed, I knew Danielson and Kingston would implode them, but I felt like Kingston should've been the one taking the fall.

El Toro Blanco!? Just make Los Ingobernables already

Dante vs Sky? Okay fair

I think I could've had an hour of that triple threat tag and not been disappointed; it got speed, it got beef, it's got everything you gonna need. Surprised the champs retained though.

We ended with a good match, but I still think they picked the wrong winner, especially since neither turned heel

Match Results (Italics for who I predicted to win) Hookhausen def Tony Nese & 'Smart' Mark Sterling (Pinfall by Danhausen on Sterling) Wardlow def. MJF (Pinfall via Powerbomb Symphony) The Hardys def The Young Bucks (Pinfall by Jeff on Matt via Swanton Bomb) Jade Cargill (c) def Anna Jay (Pinfall via Avalanche Jaded) House of Black def Death Triangle (Pinfall by Black on PAC via Sin Eater) Adam Cole def Samoa Joe (Pinfall via Boom) Dr. Britt Baker DMD def Ruby Soho (Pinfall by reversed Victory Roll) American Top Team def Sammy Guevara, Tay Conti & Frankie Kazarian (Pinfall by Sky on Kazarian via TKO) Kyle O'Reilly def Darby Allin (Pinfall via Flying Knee Drop) Thunder Rosa (c) def Serena Deeb (Pinfall via Fire Thunder Driver) JAS def BCC, Eddie Kingston, Santana & Ortiz (Ref stoppage) Jurassic Express (c) def. Team Taz & Swerve in their Glory (Pinfall on Swerve by Jungle Boy via Thoracic Express) CM Punk def 'Hangman' Adam Page (c)

Like man was I wrong with my predictions XD I was like a stack of dominoes really, the moment one went wrong it unraveled the others. I thought they'd loophole Wardlow into ROH by having Max win, have the Undisputed Elite stay strong by having the Bucks win alongside Cole, give Death Triangle and Ruby a much-needed and much-owed high-profile W. I also expected the Christian heel turn a year since JB eliminated him in the Casino Royale. I also felt that Hangman would overcome the inner evil and Punk stooping to where he wouldn't. But alas, me and TK were not on that wavelength.

I liked this PPV, but I can't say I loved it, I think a lot comes down to me not agreeing with a fair amount of the victors. The MJF stuff and 3 consecutive interferences (Fish, Julia and Stoke) hurt it too, but also the card positioning and pacing, it did feel like everyone was in a hurry. That being said, it was still a solid showing worth people's money.

[the-stray-liger]

You know I never saw anything relating to this series but what are your thoughts on Iron Blooded Orphans?

HOOOO BOY. places my hands on the table

(Sorry that I cant put this into a readmore bc Im on mobile;;)

I fucking hate it. Like honest to god it was so disappointing and depressing that I didnt even finish it (I do know how it ends and it doesnt make it any better). I literally never shut up about this but I'll never not be mad that it had the most beautiful ost and animation and the coolest worldbuilding (the whole story about the colonization of Mars and the poverty of those who lived there, the set up of an army of child soldiers who couldn't read, even the alaya-vijnana system??? All of it creative and so full of potential) and then they made the story shit

Why is it shit to me? The fact that it's just straight up suffering porn. I'm no stranger to sad gundam I have watched almost 40 years of gundam content in the last 3 or 4 years, I have cried my share and I know gundam is well known for being tragic. But IBO? Nooo IBO had to be sad as shit and it gives just little morsels of joy that it immediately kills off, literally. So instead of the theme of gundam, which is about human beings learning to understand each other to leave behind armed conflict, IBO is just like. Hey we're just gonna kill all the characters you like for pure shock value bc wr don't know how to writr

Another reason was the characters. A huge thing in gundam is that characters aren't good or bad except in a few specific instances because it's, well, war, and we're often made to confront the antagonists as people, flawed but also human and it's not that hard to even relate to them because of it. But IBO antagonists were straight up disgusting. The main antagonist was a literal pedophile, his best friend and all their army treated the people from Mars as literal rats. They were openly contemptuous of them for being children, for being POOR and for being disabled too. Like their only motivation is to squash everything that the story had that brought joy

Not even gonna get into how it really said "we're gonna drive in the point that children, women and the poor and disabled are the first and most affected victims of war and systematic economic oppression by showing children, women, the poor and the disabled explicitly suffering just because". Like the destruction of the Turbines and the deaths of Lafter were just. For the sake of hurting the viewers. There's none of the nuance you'd usually get in gundam, just outrage and no catharsis

And don't get me started on Mikazuki? People talk mad shit about Kira not having a personality (which to be fair, besides "fucking other ppl's girlfriends", he doesn't) but Mika's ENTIRE FUCKING PERSONALITY was being an enabler to Orca. He had potential too (I liked that he wanted to learn how to read! That was genuinely wholesome) but they had to just. Not do anything with it. Before you come to me and tell me Setsuna also had a serious, aloof personality🍰, allow me to remind you that Setsuna was traumatized, he was flawed, he was also impulsive and angry. Mikazuki had 2 modes, Orca and Horny.

ANYWAY I have more thoughts but I think that's the gist of it.

[vannahfanfics]

Hewwo!! So I found this Rarepair heaven, and absoLUTELY fell in love with it! So much so that I decided to request something for the first time ever! I'm sorry if you're not taking requests right now, its totally fine if you ignore this forever, but...but..would you mind doing a BakuJirou fic? It could be about anything and everything, but I really need some BakuJirou fluff to blow my mind right about now! Thanks in advance!!

Ahhh, thank you for the praise, Anon! Thank you for your patience; here is your BakuJiro story, and I hope you like it enough to request again sometime!

Urban Harmony

The rain drummed rhythmically against the sloped roof of the bus stop booth. Through lidded eyes, Kyoka watched the water stream down the frosted glass sides; the sparse light played across the running water, making rippling ribbons of white dance across her form. They frolicked over the cozy fabric of her knitted gray sweater before jumping down to the denim of her ripped skinny jeans before diving down to her Converse, where puddles of rainwater were beginning to accumulate from the day’s torrential downpour. 

Most people would enjoy the pattering of the rain, the squeaking of the tires against wet tar, and the humming of the car engines blending into a strangely soothing urban harmony. However, Kyoka preferred her own soundtrack to her daily grind; her earbuds were nestled snugly into her ears pumping heady rock music into the canals. She bobbed her head to the beat, mostly oblivious to the people trudging by clutching their umbrellas and splashing the puddles with their rain boots. Sheltering from the rain while listening to her favorite music had a certain catharsis to it, one that was making Kyoka sleepy and slightly wishing for time to stop for just a little while. 

The harsh scrape of sneaker soles against wet concrete rose above her music, prompting her to tear her gaze away from the hypnotizing waterfall-like stream of rain cascading down the glass wall of the bus stop. A boy was trudging toward her, his arms buried in his hoodie pockets and his head hunched down. A backpack rustled on his back, looking laden with books. He lacked an umbrella, so the rain beat down upon him with a fury, soaking the red fabric of his jacket a deep maroon. As he glanced up, she could see vermilion eyes peeking out below sodden ash-gray bangs. 

They were more mesmerizing than the falling rain, and her heart fluttered. 

“This seat taken?” he grunted, speaking loudly to overpower her earbuds. Kyoka shook her head firmly and slid to the side of the bench to give him more room, or maybe to push herself as far away as she could from his intimidating aura. The boy plopped down on the bench and dropped his book bag on a dry patch of concrete with a weary sigh, leaning back and stretching out his legs just enough to not be obnoxious. As he tipped his head over the back of the bench, Kyoka watched the rise and fall of his breaths with pinkening cheeks, swearing she could see the muscles rippling beneath the fabric. 

“Fuck,” the boy groaned, not aware that Kyoka had turned down her music to listen to him. “Shoulda checked the weather forecast today… I’m gonna be pissed if my textbooks are soaked.” He leaned forward to unzip his bag and rifle through it, checking their condition. Kyoka curiously craned her head to peek, growing impressed when she spotted large law textbooks in the gloom of the back. She jerked when he abruptly zipped the backpack shut and tossed a glare at her, his red eyes flashing. It wasn’t malicious, though— more like amused. 

“Nosy, aren’tcha?” 

Kyoka ignored the barb to swiftly reply, “You study law?” 

“That’s right,” the stranger said as he reclined back against the bench, nestling one arm behind his head while the other fished in his pocket for his phone. “I’m a first-year at the university down the way,” he explained with a nod of his head in the direction from which he’d come. “My apartment is pretty far, though, so I have to wait for this goddamn bus.” Kyoka snickered at his brusqueness, watching in curiosity as he unspooled his earbuds from around the phone and shoved one deep into his ear. He left the other dangling, implying that he was at least mildly interested in her. She decided to oblige his silent invitation. 

“I go to that university too. I study music.” 

“In theory or in practice?” 

“Practice. I’m a singer and guitarist.” 

He whistled appreciatively, his red eyes flickering to her for a moment before looking back down at his screen. He pressed a button, then frowned, jabbing at the screen with his thumb. He then ripped the earbuds out with a growl. 

“Pieces of shit… They’ve gone and died on me,” he muttered, squinting at the earbuds as he held them up. He flung them into the nearby trashcan and flopped back against the bench, radiating irritation. Kyoka fidgeted next to him, a blush rising to her cheeks alongside a ridiculous idea, but her tongue ended up acting on it anyway. 

“Um… The bus is gonna be a while, so… You could share my earbuds if you like,” she offered meekly. The red-eyed boy glanced at her critically, looking her up and down to study her as if she were suspicious. After a second of contemplation, he shrugged and scooched closer to her; as their legs brushed, Kyoka’s face grew a whole shade darker. Her fingers trembled as she pulled the earbud out of her ear and held it out to him. She hoped he couldn’t feel her quivering when their fingers touched for the briefest second as he took it and jammed it into his ear. Kyoka switched her earbud to the opposite ear before pulling up her music playlist, leaning in to show him her phone screen. 

“I’m not sure what kind of music you like, but, you’re welcome to look.” 

He wordlessly took her phone to scroll through the options, eventually settling on a soft rock song. Kyoka took her cellphone back and held it to her chest as the music began to slow from the tiny speakers, accented by the pounding of the rain in her opposite ear and the silence growing between them. 

“You’ve got good taste,” he remarked after a minute. She looked up with a slight gasp to see him staring out at the road, eyes lidded as he watched the cars trundle by. “So, what do you want to do with your degree, Earbuds?” he asked, looking out of the corners of his eyes at her. She flushed at the sudden nickname and squirmed in her seat, gaze dropping. 

“My mother and father are both retired musicians who own a record label and instrument design company. I’d like to become a performer myself, but if that doesn’t work out, I can take over the business.” 

“Well, at least you’ve got a back-up plan. You look too smart to be some starry-eyed girl who swears she’s gonna be the next big thing,” he smirked, and Kyoka smiled thinly, unsure if it was a compliment or an insult. Sensing what she was about to ask, he smugly puffed out his chest and announced, “I’m studying law to be a prosecutor. One day I’m gonna become the most famous and feared attorney in all of Japan.” 

“You’re the one who sounds like a starry-eyed girl dreaming of being the next big thing,” Kyoka laughed, making the boy look at her with an indignant chuff. As she snickered, holding her curled finger up to her lips, the tension slowly melted from his body. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, crossing his arms and looking back at the road. “Laugh all ya want, but it’s the truth, Earbuds.” Looking at him, at his confident posture and cocksure smirk, she could believe it. He seemed like the type of guy to chase down his dream and wrestle it into submission no matter how many obstacles were thrown in his path. 

“Kyoka,” she corrected him after a bit of silence, making him look at her with a raised eyebrow. “My name is Kyoka.” 

“That so, Earbuds?” Kyoka had to smile at his complete indifference and insistence upon calling her the nickname. She liked the familiarity of it, though they were no more than strangers who’d met at the bus stop. “My name’s Katsuki Bakugo. Nice to meet you, or whatever small talk bullshit you’d like me to spout.” Kyoka giggled; he really was an asshole but in the most charming way. He was doing it on purpose, too, based on the smirk dancing over his lips. 

“I’m not into small talk,” she said with a small smirk of her own. “I much prefer the rain.” Katsuki snorted, then leaned his head back against the bench to stare out into the street. The both of them watched the rain pour from the heavens, soaking up into the sparse bits of grass lining the sidewalks to flood the soil into little lakes. It slicked the road, causing the car tires to squeal and fling water as the vehicles trundled down the road. Passersby scurried along hoping to escape the deluge before it got worse, the lucky ones huddled underneath umbrellas or clad in rain jackets. The rain drummed in the background of the soft rock drifting out of her earbuds, peaceful and soothing. 

She found her eyes drifting to Katsuki. His vermilion eyes were lidded as he stared out into the street, and his cut jawline shone with the rain still drying on his skin. His ash blond hair was clumped and poofy from being under his wet hood. He looked roguish, but handsomely so, and it made Kyoka’s heart pound. She gripped her phone tight, but insodoing she accidentally brushed her thumb across the screen and skipped the song. 

“Yo, what the fuck?” Katsuki griped, making her jump. “I was listening to that.” 

“S-sorry.” 

Katsuki peered at her with scrupulous eyes, making her squirm uncomfortably. 

“Come on, Earbuds. I’m not that intimidating, am I?” he asked with a huff. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and cheeks in his hands. Kyoka flushed in embarrassment, wiggling a little on the seat. 

“It’s not that, necessarily,” she said and chewed on the inside of her cheek as she ruminated on asking him for his phone number. I mean, he’s a handsome guy! I’m single, he… might be single, she debated. Kyoka hadn’t hadn’t dated much, as no boys had ever really caught her eye, but Katsuki just… felt right. Deciding there was no time besides the present, she quickly forced out, “It’s just that you’re really nice-looking, ya know? That unnerves a girl.” 

Katsuki stared owlishly at her for a second, surprised by her admission. Then, a wicked smirk spread across his lips, his ego skyrocketing at the compliment. 

“Oh? Aren’t you forward?” he chuckled. His wet clothes squeaked a little as he slowly straightened up. While maintaining eye contact with the blushing Kyoka, he reached out to take her phone with her. She could only watch, heart thumping, while he put his contact information into her phone. “Lucky for you, I like that in a girl, so I’ll humor you,” he said while continuing to smile smugly. He all but flopped her phone back into her hands, but she was so high-strung and stunned that her fingers only twitched a little around it. 

He then looked out into the street as headlights spilled around the corner, refracting on the water and making the street look like it was covered by glittering diamonds. Finally recovering some neuron function, Kyoka realized that it was the bus. Katsuki looked back to her, smirking. 

“So, you mind sharing your earbuds with me a little while longer? Least you can do, considering I’m probably gonna take you on a date,” he said playfully. Kyoka’s cheeks lit up like Christmas lights, hot and cherry-red. Still, she nodded meekly, not wishing to abandon Katsuki’s company just yet. The rain would continue to fall for a while yet, after all…

Enjoy this oneshot? Feel free to peruse my Table of Contents!

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

So i was scrolling through TikTok when i caught a clip of Oshi No Ko and got hooked into watching it. Hooked so badly that i had to look up and read the manga just to know what happened next. As someone who is also a creative head and would love to do all these creative jobs, acting, singing, comics, it really reeled me in and made me think about the work put behind it.

Particularly, it made me think about imposter syndrome. Am gonna go a lil more personal so I'll put it under a read more, as i don't really reference the manga.

The characters, all talented people in their own right, are constantly talking themselves down. That even highly praised people get shrouded with thoughts that they're not good at all. That anyone can do what they're doing. That there are people who do what they do better. And while it's true you'll always find someone better than you, it becomes hindering when you start turning negative thoughts onto yourself- that they're better than you and really you have no talent and have been faking it the whole time. Thus the term imposter.

Really, we admire other people being "better than us" because they do something differently to how we'd do it. We shower then with compliments, point out things we liked they did because we wished we could do the same. But those same people could admire us for doing things differently from them.

With imposter syndrome in the arts, you start losing the ability to recognize what makes you special. It doesn't let you see the value of your skill. It's why I take it to heart and always try to tell myself that no one can do things exactly the way i do. There is charm in my own personal craft. My style is my own. If i were to put myself in the shoes of a spectator who liked my craft, i can begin to like my stuff again and believe the compliments i receive. I can like myself again.

Seeing those moments in the characters, when they doubt themselves, gives me a sort of catharsis; it lets me see that I've improved on how i combat imposter syndrome. Well, that's when it comes to my craft. It still hits me really hard in my personal relationships- doubting people like me as a friend. But it definitely got me thinking of ways to already work on that aspect as well. I get stuck in a loop thinking "if they wanted my company they'd talk to me. but there are other people they could talk to, better people who are better friends, why do they need me?" And then i never reach out to chat, because I'm socially awkward and never have anything to talk about and i begin spiraling.

I've been recognizing this pattern though, and usually i can stop that kind of thinking.

So, after the manga started making me think of myself, i thought about how I kept believing that, whatever you thought about other people is actually how you view yourself. Usually it was tied to negative beliefs, but i wanna make it so that it applies to the positive. For example, if i thought a girl was a decent singer and i was jealous, I'd want to outshine her and sing louder, sing sweeter, sing fancier; this being because if I thought she was better than me, surely other people were thinking she's better than me. Instead, i want to be able to believe "if these people like her singing, then these/ different people might also like my singing too". It's a tough line of thinking to break, and why imposter syndrome is such a beast.

But yeah. Love when art makes me think so much about myself and are so inspiring.

[bigskydreaming]

I'm so used to Dick getting hit because his family or friend was annoyed and decided he was the closest wall to punch that I never expect anything different anywhere, and then Young Justice s3 and Titans s2 caught me by the neck and threw me into a pool of unexpected catharsis. I never expected Dick to defend himself, I never expected the catharsis, I never expected how much it'd affect me. Although now that Titans s3 is upon us with a Dick vs Jason fight I'm back to the default.

I really, really, REALLY wish more people had even the slightest idea of the catharsis that can come from one character just fucking INTERVENING in a situation like we see happen so often in fics and the comics and just be like....no. That is not fucking okay. And like, without that, it literally is just...permissive? Like when Jason punches Dick in Grayson #12 after the Spyral thing, and Tim just stands there.....Tim's essentially saying its okay, he sees nothing wrong with what just happened. Which....dun dun dun....not all that surprisingly then turned into Tim punching Dick in Batman and Robin Eternal.....again with nobody upset.

Its why I've never even been able to like, go with the idea that Alfred or any of the Titans knew about what happened between Bruce and Dick in NTT #55, specifically, because like....I can't make peace with nobody saying anything about that ever. Bruce is a Big Time Superhero. Who frequently rubs people the wrong way. I don't buy that nobody's ever gonna throw that back in his face to make a point about how he's got no business being holier than thou about various topics. *Shrugs*

But yeah, unfortunately its not just canon. Like, I've read a fic where the prompt was literally like....people being glad to see Dick back from Spyral and getting actual catharsis for everything he went through instead of what we got in canon....so I went into the fic like okay, cool, this is exactly what I'm looking for. LOL nah, we got Jason STILL punching Dick anyway, even AFTER finding out about the events of NW #30 and Dick actually having died, and like, Jason was still so pissed at Dick for not TELLING them this that NOW, THAT'S why he just has to punch Dick before THEN hugging him and saying okay I just had to get that out, but now I'm over it and glad you're back.

And I was just like.....ummm. The author and people in the comments are treating this like an lol moment where all's well that end's well, and I'm like ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THAT'S THE EXACT SAME ISSUE CANON PRESENTED. Only now its WORSE, because people act like that addressed and resolved it, but with it STILL including Jason punching Dick cuz he was mad, and now with this even MORE formally being treated as like....something fine and necessary to repair their relationship. And all of this is packaged as like...the specific catharsis that people who were UPSET with how that all played out in canon like, came into this specific fic looking for....and this is what we got instead, with zero warning.

That's not even getting started on like, the super long super serious fic set during the Ric Grayson era that was supposedly about addressing Bruce's abusive actions towards ALL his kids, which FEATURED Ric as a regular character, but only ever actually DELVED into the times he'd hit Jason and then Tim. With Tim as an unreliable narrator making some reference to Bruce having hit Dick a couple times but that was different because Dick was an adult....and the author and narration at NO POINT pushing back against this to be like well actually Timmy, that's not fucking different at all, Dick is still his kid, Bruce was still taking out his anger on him, that was still abuse, and saying or even just implicitly framing it as NOT abuse the way it played out in Tim's head, when you're presenting this entire fic as a whole as like, an ode to actually acknowledging the abusive aspects of how Bruce has been written with his kids....

Again, SUPER upsetting to read and witness, because people are absolutely going to read that and internalize that as reinforcing their belief that the situations with Bruce and Dick WERE substantially different and thus not qualifying as abuse and belonging in a separate category the way Tim slotted it in his brain.....because why wouldn't they?

The author only wrote it that way because they perceived it that way, clearly, otherwise by their own stated admission of trying to tackle this subject honestly and completely, like....they would have actually made some kind of point or acknowledgment of it not being different at all and still very much abuse....and the fact that they didn't suggests they very much did see it as somehow different.....so why would readers perceive it any differently and why wouldn't its inclusion in a fic that delved into abuse so extensively NOT at least on SOME level potentially reinforce whatever leanings or perceptions they had in the same direction already? And meanwhile, this story like sooooo many others that wants to talk about abuse SERIOUSLY, all the while calls this their hobby that they do for enjoyment, so please don't criticize anything because that would ruin the HOBBY of it all for them, and its like....

And then there's the fic where its Dick hitting Jason while in the midst of a narrative that's bringing all of Jason's abuse issues and related triggers front and center, and this one is highly recommended as like, a great Dick Grayson characterization by an author who hates any and all canon renditions of Bruce being abusive and so doesn't include anything like that, and so you're going into it like okay, I'm not expecting any catharsis or anything along the lines of acknowledging Bruce's worse moments with Dick or Jason because clearly that's not what this fic is about and that's fine...but by the exact same token, I ALSO was not expecting that an author who is so vehement about how abusive Bruce is wildly OOC writing because the real Bruce would never do that and that's not how they perceive the characters, like....what I'm NOT expecting is for Dick, in a fic PRAISED for a good and complex depiction of him, to like....just fucking pop Jason one in the face and bring to mind how this makes him no different from Jason's abuser and then he runs and seeks comfort in Bruce who whether people like it or not, is canonically someone who has made Dick an abuse survivor himself....

And I'm just sitting there fucking BLIND-SIDED thinking wow, not only did I NOT want this recommended to me by the whole freaking fandom as a wonderfully nuanced portrayal of Dick Grayson, I would have kept a ten mile radius from it if it had say, a tag warning of sibling abuse, which is what they wrote between Dick and Jason, just the other way around. And its like.....I completely understand the author's dislike of abusive Bruce in canon and their desire not to engage with that content on any level, and would have been totally fine with that.....except, I naively figured there was no reason that same logic wouldn't extend to Dick, especially in so lauded a fic, because like, what? Bruce would never ever hit his family and its wildly OOC and simply not believable, even though its happened like five different times with Dick alone, but Dick hitting HIS family is a wonderfully nuanced and complicated portrayal of him? In what universe is that not gonna be a problem for some people??

But because we live in a fandom that's like, umm, this is just peoples' HOBBY, they're doing it for FUN, we're expected to be silent about stuff like this which are very real fucking problems to watch go unacknowledged in fics that claim to be TRYING to treat these topics seriously, but in reality only want to be entertainment just deep enough to move people but NOT deep enough to warrant criticism for having an undue influence on peoples' emotions or perceptions of various dynamics.....and we're supposed to be polite and just smile and say this isn't for us and let it all go, even though like, we would have KNOWN it wasn't for us and not gone anywhere near it in the first place if like, it had been tagged as sibling abuse or something like that. That would have been a clear advertisement to me that like, this is not something you want any part of.

Like, I go to fics that do acknowledge or reference Bruce's abuse to his kids because I'm LOOKING for the catharsis of having abuse actually called out as abuse....and what about that makes anyone think I or someone like me is in doing so LOOKING for characters who AREN'T already abusive to each other in canon NOW being abusive in ways that only the individual fic writer chose to depict them as? And by the same token, its not like I want to go into any fic and see more of the same thing as we get in canon, which is.....more instances of actual abuse being framed and treated as something that's just fine, actually, and nothing to worry about or take too seriously....

But meanwhile, back at the fandom farm, everyone's still totally convinced that they're so superior to canon and doing things so much better than them and fixing all their mistakes....and its like....well then why are you MAKING the EXACT same mistakes, and what the hell are we supposed to do about it with YOU guys if unlike with canon (where we can criticize but it doesn't do much good because there's no guarantee of the people who need to see it actually seeing it), we're not supposed to bring it to your attention as 'criticism-worthy' (thus making the opposite problem of where we CAN bring it to the attention of people who can see it, but we're not 'supposed to' because fandom etiquette)?

And back to the whole thing about using a sibling abuse tag as a warning for people to steer clear if this isn't something they want in their dynamics between the Batbrothers, not just Bruce and his kids....

The thing that fucking gets me every time here, is like......THIS WOULD BE SUCH AN EASY PROBLEM TO FIX, IF PEOPLE WEREN'T JUST SO FREAKING EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT THEY ACCIDENTALLY WROTE IT WITHOUT NOTICING WHAT IT WAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Like that first example I used....I very naively DID try to bring it to the author's attention when I was new to dipping my toes back into this fandom, and boy oh boy did that just exemplify how counter-productive that is as long as people can hide behind the DONT CRITICIZE MY WORK shield. I sent a private message on Ao3 so it wouldn't even show up in their comments, and just said very simply:

"hey, I really enjoy your stuff but I was wondering if you would mind putting a warning tag of 'sibling abuse' on your latest fic? I'm not trying to tell you how to write the characters and I figure you probably didn't intend it to come across that way anyway, but as an abuse survivor, I can't help but see that dynamic pop out as such for me in a way that I would at least have liked a heads up about, if that makes sense? Its just I do see how you paralleled how the canon presented this scenario and thus get what you were trying to do there I think, but I kinda only came into this fic for the specific lure of the catharsis we DIDN'T get when things played out somewhat similar in canon, with a lot of it having to do with that dynamic between Dick and Jason, and so...yeah. This part of the comics is obviously emotionally charged for a lot of us and I just know personally, this wasn't quite the catharsis I was after for that scenario and just a quick tag like that would have helped warn me of that. Anyway, sorry for this and hope you can understand my position, I'm not trying to be heavy-handed here or anything, but this was a problem for me and just in case it might be a problem for anyone else in the future, I thought I'd try and send a quick message about that for you to do whatever you want with."

I mean, I thought I was pretty reasonable there, personally?

Yeah.

The author did not.

She went off on me for constructive criticism which she did not ask for, and did not appreciate my insinuations into her character about her being an abuse apologist, because that's clearly what I was saying there. But I mean, that's what happens here. I'd bet anything that she was just embarrassed to have written the dynamic in such a way and then been called out about something she was previously oblivious to and then felt self-conscious about having overlooked or perpetrated herself.

But like....as understandable as that is, like....that's not my problem? And that's not a reason to shut down ANY avenue for people to raise the issue when writers unknowingly perpetrate stuff like this, in ANY way, no matter HOW delicately.

I get being defensive about someone thinking you INTENDED to write a pair of brothers as abusive and saying that was fine, and I even get how, being in a defensive mindset, she could have jumped to that interpretation of what I was saying rather than what I was ACTUALLY saying which was just....look, I don't know you, I don't know your own story, but for whatever reason you didn't pick up on this potentially troubling element of what you wrote in ways that I did because of my own experiences, and I'm just trying to point the issue out as delicately as possible because I KNOW that chances are, you WOULDN'T have written things that way if you had at all perceived the dynamic as I did. And I also KNOW that for people who don't have necessarily the same experiences or perspective I do, that they're not going to be as naturally inclined to perceive trouble spots the way I'm kinda....primed to notice them, and its NATURAL for some of this to pass by peoples' notice for a variety of reasons and like....I'm not freaking mad about that?? That's FINE. That's NORMAL. You're not a bad person for writing something a 'problematic' way purely because you LITERALLY DIDN'T SEE THE PROBLEM WHEN YOU WROTE IT.

Nobody has universal experiences. Nobody has all experiences. The problem is almost NEVER somebody just WRITING something in a way that they 'should have' known better than to, especially when it comes to topics like abuse or whatever.

No, the problem is ONLY when they get all up in their butthurt feelings about being embarrassed that they DIDN'T omnisciently know that and they feel self conscious now about how they think it makes them look now that the issue HAS been raised in a way they can recognize, and so they just fucking double down on pretending there's no issue whatsoever and whomever brings it to their attention is just overstepping and who even asked, anyway.

And thus a problem that can easily be solved in TWO ways....1) by adding a simple tag acknowledging the problem area for what it is, or 2) by editing the problem area to erase or write around the issue it raises that the author didn't perceive initially and likely would have avoided from the start if they HAD, because they AREN'T someone who wants to stand KNOWINGLY by that implication and what it says or suggests.....

Instead, this problem just gets turned into a generic fandom discourse issue about critique etiquette that addresses absolutely nothing, changes nothing, makes nothing about any of this better for ANYONE, just extends the problem to one likely to be repeated over and over again because it WILL never change so long as it remains something that isn't SUPPOSED to have attention brought to it, and all of this.

All of this.

Is just self-conscious defensiveness because people didn't want to be perceived as someone who either actually thought the things they'd unknowingly implied for WHATEVER reason, or didn't care/pay enough attention to notice as a problem in the first place....

Or else they just literally DON'T care enough about the content of what they're writing enough that they actually GIVE a shit about becoming better informed on it and thus better able to steer away from troubling implications or points of view in the future. Even if pointed out by survivors or people with personal experience as such that they recognize a problem even where the author didn't themselvse, no matter WHAT their own personal relationship with the subject matter is -

(because yeah, survivors of rape and abuse can absolutely perpetuate harmful viewpoints ourselves as well, because experiencing these things doesn't take away from our being exposed to just as much of the abuse/rape culture and apologia society and media churns out regularly enough that it can cloud ANYONE'S mind on this subject, without the addition or input of other points of view).

And either way, no matter what the reason is, when people aren't willing to even ENTERTAIN input, feedback, or potentially negative or even just AWARENESS-RAISING viewpoints in response to culturally influencing fictional content they put out via a variety of fairly wide-reaching platforms that can thus reach and influence any number of mindsets, from those of survivors to potential survivors to friends or families of survivors to people with no connection to abuse or rape whatsoever currently but for whom that could change at any time because we all meet new people every day and survivors could come into your life and be affected by your views and knowledge of abuse and rape culture and apologism at any point, even if you never become a survivor yourself -

(as is my ardent wish for anyone no matter HOW much I dislike or disagree with them personally. I don't expect or WANT people to be as fully informed on a lot of this stuff as I am personally, just like I'm not like, sad about not being MORE informed on the aspects or experiences stemming from it all that aren't personally relevant to my own life, because I'm additionally very aware that my own viewpoint is not definitive and not the monolithic voice for all survivors everywhere, I've literally only ever advocated for my own perspective on these matters and anyone of a like-mind which is an entirely opt-in POV that people have to decide for THEMSELVES if they feel that applies to them versus something that I'm CLAIMING on behalf of anyone but myself) -

Anyway. Bottom line is whatever the reason for WHY people are so avoidant on this topic, the end result is we've created a culture that says people are allowed to craft fictional viewpoints on any topic in any way to any degree...but the only impact that can ever be acknowledged is positive. Nobody can point out where things can be better. Nobody can point out where things are just fucking WRONG. The entertainment of whomever wrote the thing and whomever reads it and ISN'T bothered by it in any way, is eminently more important and worth protecting than the comfort of anyone who reads the thing and is not only troubled by the viewpoint made or claims presented on a matter they're intimately acquainted with in some form or to some degree themselves.....but then merely wants their viewpoint and concerns acknowledged and made part of the conversation so that both writer and readers can potentially apply that viewpoint and ANY additional perspective or information it contains to future works.

In essence, for all the free speech and censorship talk that gets thrown around fandom spaces....THIS kinda thing RIGHT HERE?

Is the most self-evident example I can come up with of ACTUALLY shutting down conversation and the spread and dissemination of information relevant to the topics being raised as points of interest every. single. day. in this fandom and most every other one I can think of.

So if peoples' ACTUAL goal was creating spaces where the people for whom fictional content is actually MOST relevant to are encouraged and outright TOLD to try and separate their feelings from that relevancy and treat it all as an abstract.....

Just so that people for whom this content already IS an abstract and nothing more, can refrain from having it made real and thus reality-impacting, and in doing so take away some of the escapism and FUN of it all, and make it a little more 'heavy' than they wanted when they turned to it for a bit of self-indulgent angst they never intended or expected to treat (or see treated) as anything more than that?

Then its like, congrats. You did it guys. That's what you've got here. That's what you've made.

Yay.

Go team.

[magicpotatoobsession]

GIVEN: My Thoughts on the Anime and the Movie [SPOILERS]

EDIT 2024: this blog was made back in 2021 and now 3 years later it’s still has me on a chokehold

It's currently 11:46pm and I should be going to bed but I just got up to date with everything in Given and I know that I cannot sleep unless I got my thoughts down about this anime because holy fuck it might be an all time favourite. Also I'm currently listening to the entire OST as I'm writing this blog, this is how you know I'm too deep in the fandom.

This anime gave me so many feels. You see, this is why it's dangerous for a musician to watch a good music anime, it's too relatable, that's why I haven't even began to touch Your Lie In April, and not sure if I ever will. But I will say that Given is probably my favourite music-romance anime out of all the music-romance anime I have watched thus far and I will be drawing lots of comparison between Given and other music-romance anime that I've watched.

PLOT

This anime is for the most part, paced so perfectly. It leaves little clues for you to learn about a character's attributes and their past. There is just the perfect distribution of showing and telling, flashbacks feel natural rather than extended over elongated periods of time. This is where Kono Oto Tomare! paled in comparison. But I do want to talk about the two anime for a quick second. I did like how in Kono Oto Tomare!, music was the fore-theme and romance was secondary because we really got to dive deeper into the difficulties of rehearsals, practice, ensemble coordination etc. Given had romance as the fore-theme that utilised music as a metaphor for complexities of relationships and delved less into the specifics of music itself but relationships between the characters. The metaphors are so perfect though, especially the strings, especially now thinking back when Ue replaced the old snapped strings on the Gibson was symbolic of Mafuyu slowly being able to move on from Yuki.

Not gonna lie, I wished there were slightly more rehearsal scenes where we got to hear excerpts of the main songs leading up to their final epic performance but in the case of Given, I totally can see why the author/director held off on showing the audience any main parts of the musical performance until that final pivotal moment in Episode 9 and also 3/4 in the Given Movie. The musical performances in Given are PURE CATHARSIS, prioritising the emotional release of a everything that was pent-up for ages before it explodes. So in this case, I can respect them holding rehearsal music off until those epic moments. Of course, as a musician, I still wished maybe they still delved a little bit more into the technicalities of music itself, and maybe slightly less reliant on the theme of 'genius'. But for 11 episodes, for what it's worth, they packed so much that short space of time, I really don't have that many complaints.

What I am so absolutely in love with this anime is that it is just the perfect balance of funny, heartfelt, excitement and then amidst the youthfulness of band practise, there is this inherent darkness. I don't know how they do it. While anime like [b]Nana[/b] has funny moments, there is a very serious undertone kind of from the get go and you sort of know you're going to be in for an emotional rollercoaster, but with Given it almost creeps up on you and the next thing you know is you are on the verge of tears by Episode 9.

Dialogue is just so brilliantly written in the show. One of my favourite lines is what they described about loneliness, I think it was "The name of the bus stop. The colour of the sweat shirt I was wearing that day. The phrases and words that was popular to our conversation at that time. They slowly fade away. Ahhh That's loneliness. For the first time that day, I felt it on the stage." Especially those bits in italics, oh my goodness, so true, you forget how you speak to a loved one overtime, this even applies to forgotten friendships. Fuck it hits me deep in the feels man.

CHARACTER

I literally have so much I want to say about every single character in this show, please pray that I'll get to sleep in the next hour. But oh my goodness, the deep and complex characterisation in Given is what makes it completely stand out from any other romance anime. It literally makes my heart physically ache so much.

Given

Let's start with Mafuyu, once again tying to my earlier point, he looks like such a harmless cinnamon roll that I was not emotionally prepared for the darkness that actually resided inside of him. He is such a well-written character, he is emotionally repressed due to his abusive father and every time he seemed to express his emotion, something bad happens, especially looking back at his outburst with Yuki. In a sense, I think he has anxious attachment style from experiencing abandonment and abuse from his father, hence he had that fight with Yuki. He started music because he couldn't let go of Yuki, because of grief, but then through music, he found himself and a safe space for him to express himself without negative consequences, he found joy under the stage lights. And he found Uenoyama, who supported him no matter what. The only thing I think I wished the anime included was just a short 10 second scene where he was by himself and maybe had a monologue with Yuki. For a childhood best friend turned ex that passed away, I felt like just one more scene between the two of them, just needed a bit more closure, not a flashback but something a bit more present, like Mafuyu instead of carrying the Gibson in front of his arms, he carries it on his back. It will not only show that he has overcome his loneliness, but it then becomes a much clearer sense of moving forward because I did feel like from Mafuyu wrapping up his grief with Yuki to him going out with Ue was a bit too quick. I'm just thinking back to Full Moon wo Sagashite where the main girl literally was in depression for so long when she found out that her loved one died (a little too long), but it's only natural though and then when she slowly realised her love for the main guy, it felt a lot more resolute and grounded. I also really love how although softspoken and introverted, Mafuyu is surprisingly bold, especially when asking Ue out and Ue to stay when he's sick. This boy has guts! Also this boy is surprisingly perceptive as well, especially in the movie!

Uenoyama, he's such a tsundere but in the most wholesome way possible. He's a very kind person which I think is what made Mafuyu like him. Also I love the subversion compared to most other BL anime where the more 'masculine guy' is more aloof and cold but Ue is just gay panicking throughout the entire anime and I honestly live for it. I love how he recognises his jealousy, helps Mafuyu finish the song that technically Mafuyu and Yuki started together to give him closure, kind of an idiot for kissing Mafuyu right after such an emotional song but thankfully and humorously realises that it was kind of wrong and is otherwise for the most part, really caring and really encouraging. We stan a healthy shounen-ai relationship. OMFG, that "It's mutual" scene was so freaking hilarious, it reminded me of all of the Kyoko demons making decisions from Skip Beat!

Ue's mental farewell party vs. Kyoko's demons

Yuki, oh my freaking goodness, my heart aches for that boy. I know we only have 11 episodes, but I really wanted to know more about how he became the way he did and how he got into music. He's definitely Robin Williams sort of character, sunshine on the outside and darkness on the inside and hints of mental illness were scattered throughout the flashbacks. To be honest, I really really loved Yuki and Mafuyu's dynamic, the little moments they shared are so incredibly precious but mental illness was the ultimate killer and it's just so sad because we see this happen way too much even in real life. I like their dynamic so much because they seem to be in their own little world but I think Ue brings a new fire in Mafuyu that can be shared with the rest of the world. But to be honest, if Yuki came back by some miracle of the divine, I honestly wouldn't know who I would ship more. But in my little memory bubble, in my little time capsule, I'd just want Yuki and Mafuyu to exist for a little longer.

Hiiragi also deserves a special mention even though he is a side character. I really enjoyed the author's/director's inclusion of the paralysis of a friend dealing with a someone going through mental illness and someone dealing with anxious attachment style. Him asking for forgiveness and resuming a friendship with Mafuyu is just the wholesome friendship we need more of in today's society. The thing is, it's hard, it's hard to support people with mental illness! It's even harder when they are in their own little world, it feels like there is not much one can say. I really commend on the author and director for tackling such complex topics.

Given Movie

Haruki is just a cinnamon roll, he just deserves the entire world. I don't care what anyone says. His kindness is boundless. He is literally mum. The scene where Akihiko made a coerced non-consensual move on Haruki honestly made me so uncomfortable and is probably what made me rate the movie slightly lower than the anime. My heart absolutely ached for Haruki, when he ran away crying when Akihiko emotionally barred him away even when it was Haruki everytime that offer him a place to stay and formed the band with him when he was on the verge of quitting music. Haruki deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something, there is no purer bean on the planet. Really great for him that things worked out but I swear in Aki hurts him in any way later on I SWEAR TO GOD....

Akihiko is interesting. At first, I really disliked his character. A clear womaniser, a character with a clear inferiority complex that literally was the main cause of the break-up between him and Ugetsu. And then I realised the reason I really disliked his character was because I saw a bit of myself in him. The moment the Given Movie started, I thought to myself "Oh No.... I'm really going to relate to the love Hate that comes from falling for someone that's in the music industry". This love-hate or I guess inferiority complex is so incredibly painful and so relatable. You admire someone so much but because you also love music so much and as a musician, the line between where you start and where music starts is very blurred, your identity and music is almost as one, your emotion is the emotion in your music so when someone's better than you in music, it's like someone repeatingly stabbing you in your heart but at the same time, music is something you love, so you feel so much awe and wonder when you hear someone play music so beautifully. This self-contradiction that Akihiko feels cannot be put into words. As annoyed as I am at him because he literally sort of caused Ugetsu to realised that Akihiko is losing his passion for music because of all these conflicting emotions, it's just such a relatable thing for me as a composer. Also the very fact that Ugetsu seems to travel alot for work probably also made Akihiko very lonely and things just got more and more toxic as they were unable to pull away from one another.

What I absolutely loved in the end was Akihiko's change, he hurt Haruki so much, he lashes out when he's hurt and acts selfish and I REALLY appreciated that he asked for consent before touching Haruki in the final confession scene. That was so brilliant. It's really great that he was able to find joy and love in music again. I'm currently also trying to find joy and love in music as well so I hope that I can also find someone who can be on this journey with me.

And finally we have Ugetsu. My heart aches for him so so so much. This success and brilliance of a great musician is a tier of loneliness that very few will understand. Ugetsu loves Akihiko and music but he saw that his very presence was causing so much pain for Akihiko's self-esteem so he tried to tear away. But he didn't have the guts to completely do so which is why they just keep hurting each other even post-break up. Even though he acts aloof, this boy just wants what was best for Akihiko but when he finally left, it hurt like hell, but Mafuyu's song made him realise that he'll be ok. Fuck man, this is unfortunately the life of many musicians, music is such a large part of our livelihood, we chase it and chase it until all of our loved ones can no longer keep up with us so we let them go and watch them from afar with a soft smile. Our memories of those times spent together become memorialised in the music that we create. And in turn, it inspires and brings joy to others while we watch from afar. That's how it feels like to me to be a musician sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the sacrifice is really worth it.

SOUND

OP and ED grew on me. By the end of the anime I really liked them. But of course the stand out music is the entire OST of the anime. Once again I think Given is the perfect example of "simple is perfect", like if you carefully listen to some of the tracks, it's so simple but it allows your to really focus on the dialogue and the pacing and what the characters are trying to tell you rather than Kono Oto Tomare! where the music often felt too dramatic and emotionally prescriptive. But I hear a few violin harmonics and careful treatment of certain main themes so Given's music is definitely well carefully thought out crafted provides such a relaxing yet sometimes hauntingly nostalgic and painful atmosphere.

The voice acting of Uenoyama and Haruki are so adorable when they gay panic and I've got to give it to Mafuyu for wonderfully showing the progression of an amateur to a good singer.

ANIMATION

Gorgeous gorgeous colours. Especially all of the scenes of the band practice rooms and the stage performances, the night scenes. I don't know the budget for this anime but I could definitely tell a lot of care went into any musical performances whether on the violin or on stage.

Sometimes I saw a bit of inconsistency with the linework in some close-up and far-away shots of characters but this is so minute I literally don't even care.

This anime is I seriously believe, revolutionary in its genre. I've never seen such healthy shounen-ai representation in an anime before and such wonderfully complex characters. This will be a top favourite, I know I'll be rewatching this alot and referring a lot of my friends to watch this. What an incredibly underrated anime.