#I'm far too self conscious to be weird in public now

[diazsdimples]

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done in public?

Pretty sure my mum told me I jumped in a fountain when I was 3. I don't really remember it but I was allegedly very warm and wanted to go swimming 🤷🏼‍♂️ whoops

[thedenofravenpuff]

Canes And Worries - Venting

Due to my fibromyalgia, I use a cane for mobility aid. Meant to help me preserve my energy when I go out, the longer I stay on my feet the more it exhausts me even if we only talk minutes.

Even on outings where full fatigue is not a risk, I also have the cane to help adjust my feet and walk properly. I'm hyper flexible in my ankles which has caused some minor issues over the years, but today mixing with the fibro, it has given me an on-off limping I'm very self conscious about. The cane helps me to walk correctly, or when fatigue makes it too hard to hide, the cane makes it excusable to walk weird. Walking with a weird limp without a cane makes me feel judged, while a cane shows it is a medical issue and excuses it.

I don't use the cane in my own home, unless I have guests over that I wish to conceal my limping from, I bring the came where ever I go now, for mentioned above reasons, but aware I don't always NEED it. Working on my self esteem I have been showing trust in family by leaving my cane to the side when visiting them. When not out in public, I'm not as ashamed of my limping.

Additional note, I've never received comments or judgement about my limping, is just my own social anxiety making me so self conscious about it.

But on occasions.. when in the privacy of my own home, I need the cane. I hate when my legs get so weak, that I need a cane to walk a few meters to the kitchen for a glass of water. I hate how the limping ads to my exhaustion from fibro. I hate having to use the cane outside the usual perimeters. Because it shows a growth in my sickness, that I cannot escape.

I fear a day the cane won't be enough. That I'll have to give in, and upgrade to much more visible mobility aid. A walker or wheelchair might be in my future one day. I'm already limited to so much as is, but the further limitations that change will bring..

And recently I was struck by a terrifying realization. Currently I can keep up with friends and family on outings because they are all having children. Pregnant people or adults with infants and toddlers are slowed down significantly, for the needs of their children.

But one day those children will grow up, big enough to set a much faster pace. And I've been struck by the fear of being left behind by then, especially if my conditions still worsens.

I don't seek motivational words or speeches, I don't look for rolemodels 'showing how it's done', that the only limitations of disability is what I set myself and blah blah. There are realities one must face. Not everyone has an ever running spring of will and strength to pull from, ESPECIALLY when disabled.

I can admit I'm afraid without needing being comforted. Is just facing up about parts of my reality so many don't have to face themselves.

I know my family would never leave me behind. So far I've lost no one to my disability, only met understanding and support. I'm not being babied either, as during get togethers they plan for tasks they know I can handle, so I'm still part of everything. I know how lucky I am, having so much support in my life.

It'll never erase the natural fear and worry that comes with limitations and facing up to what one used to take for granted. And what you know people around you still take for granted. It'll never be rid of the mourning one feel, for the life you can no longer live the way you once did.

Just thoughts I felt a need to share. All spurred on by the last couple of days of on-off needing to use my cane in my own home, knowing it's a sign how bad things are getting. But I also know it's not all bad. I still have a stable life, I'm still functional and able to live in my own. The limitations grow, but only ever so slowly, so I'll merely take it as a reminder to enjoy the moments of now.

It's scary to realize the new levels of "normal" to my every day life, compared to the past. But looking too far ahead into an unknown future is no help today.

Thank you for reading, as I share my thoughts.

[cozza-frenzy]

Welp. Guess there's nothing else for it at this point... I'm feeling brave tonight, and I plan on riding this wagon until it crashes into something and explodes, so here we go. Content Warning for childhood trauma and mental health issues. If you want to skip this part, I'll indicate further down where it gets a bit less "dark", but further down is something about me I feel like y'all should know.

I'm Terry, as quite a lot of you know. I'm 35 years old, and for most of my life the inside of my head was... a very, VERY noisy place. It felt like I was constantly accosted by intrusive thoughts, weird compulsions, memories from my past that randomly blindsided me and disappeared just as quickly down the "memory hole". This stemmed from a huge amount of abuse I suffered throughout my childhood; experiencing bullying at school, in shared spaces, and at home. I learned over time and a lot of therapy what was causing at least SOME of this and got names for it. C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Dissociative Amnesia. Some of it, I even blamed on my autism. I figured having a constant sensory overload inside your own head was just how things worked for people like me. And then, a little over a week ago now... I hurt someone unintentionally, got very upset at myself, and had an extremely bad migraine. And while I wasn't conscious, somebody else woke up. Someone who, it turns out, I could talk to... and they were very, very happy to see me. There was another one, too, who was very scared but eventually came out when they realized we weren't going to hurt them. And from there, they started to grow... telling me who they were, and why they were here. (This is where the 'darker' stuff ends.)

So, yeah. I haven't had an official diagnosis yet, but it's looking extremely likely that I have OSDD - a type of DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as Multiple Personalities. The specific symptoms I'm showing mean that the 'alters' - the various personalities - don't have amnesia, so we're all aware of each other and can co-operate on tasks. There are five of us so far - me (Terry), Chaos, Taffy, Hyi and "Roses" (who for personal/privacy reasons is going by a pseudonym in public spaces for now). Collectively, we call ourselves the Magical Mystery Box, or the Magbox/Mbox for short. If this is a problem for any of my followers; as usual, y'all know where the door is. I literally do not care if you unfollow. I'm not here to participate in any self-DX or discourse bullshit, we're literally just trying to cope with the fact there are now multiple gremlins (affectionate) running around inside our shared head, and we've had to learn How To Human all over again because we somehow managed to suppress this until NOW. I'll let my "alters" introduce themselves in a separate post - rest assured, they are all nice! But yeah, uh… surprise! Turns out we're a system, and I'm actually multiple people wearing a metaphorical trenchcoat. I'm going to bed and hopefully don't regret this...

[colorstormx]

anyway uh. yeah this has been fucking with me more than I'd like to admit the past couple of days and I think I just need to talk about it for a bit

warning for a few things under the cut - menstruation, medical stuff, disordered eating

so. my last period started at the end of April, and didn't really stop until the end of July. technically I'm still spotting a bit but it's not the absolute bloodfest that it was earlier.

I got a gyno appointment because of said bloodfest and they ended up giving me an ultrasound and sending me in for blood work. the ultrasound showed ovarian cysts, and the blood work was normal except for high insulin. technically they tested my testosterone level too, but that result still isn't in yet. apparently it takes them forever to get it so. shrugs.

they basically diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome, although they need that testosterone result to really confirm it since I don't have a lot of the other common PCOS symptoms. my period was pretty regular up until this year and isn't usually super painful, and I don't really have extra hair in unusual spots.

my gyno pointed out the high insulin though, and said that PCOS is associated with insulin resistance and prescribed metformin. she also said that diet changes can help, and gave me a handout about it. apparently being at a higher weight can make symptoms worse.

and all of this is coming at a time when I had finally started to accept my body and feel more comfortable eating the way I want to. :')

I've had some rough experiences with body image and restrictive eating over the years, although I guess it was never technically a full-blown ED, just... really bad habits and a lot of excess guilt over everything I allowed myself to eat. and I thought I'd finally gotten past that, but seeing this handout just feels like it validates every harsh thought, every bit of guilt I ever felt about eating stuff that wasn't like. raw vegetables and bland chicken.

and I know that it's not actually advocating for anything super extreme, just moderation, but there's an obsessive streak in me that makes everything feel way more black and white than it actually is. like if I don't follow the stupid "sample diet" listed there I'm gonna get a bad grade in PCOS management. god it's so stupid but at the same time my mental state has just absolutely tanked over this, I'm overanalyzing everything and super self conscious of my body again and I'm just so tired of everything about it

I miss the blissful ignorance, I guess.

everything is just still new and weird to me right now. it's gonna take a while to process everything and I know I'll be fine in the end, I just hate having to get there.

anyway at least we're moving apartments in less than 2 months now. I can't wait to get out of this shithole. god I swear I'm gonna make an official commissions post bc it would really be nice to have some extra funds on hand for the move, and my hours at work are already starting to dip as summer ends. augh. anyway if you want me to draw something just ask and we can figure things out <3

so uh. yeah. good job on reading this far if you made it. I'm... horrible at reaching out to specific people to talk about stuff like this, so having it all out there in a semi public environment for people to reply to if they happen to see it is? a little less stress inducing, I guess. I just hate feeling like I'm bothering people with stuff. that all being said... please at least like this post if you read it all the way through? replies would be nice too, I just. want to be heard I guess.

[steamishot]

3 year anniversary 😵‍💫

i had totally forgotten until today, but it had just passed my 3 year anniversary of living in NYC on 9/11. that's crazy. this is now 3/4 of the time i spent in college lol. i guess i'm a junior now.

we (mostly i) drove to boston last thursday. it was about a 5.5-6 hour drive due to the traffic. my laptop was on in the backseat with the mouse jiggler on. matt had just got off 9 days of working straight and was ded. the first night, we had AYCE shabu which was recommended by matt's coworker. it was just OK and our stomachs didn't feel too well the day after. we checked into the hyatt in cambridge (thanks chase points again), and was very close to MIT. there was a sign welcoming MIT parents because it was the back to school era. the hotel was situated across from the charles river, and we got to creepily watch smart looking people run along this river from our room. we opted to park our car 0.8 miles away in a different lot to save money ($40 vs $95 for two nights).

on friday, we met my reddit friend K in her condo in cambridge. i remember her to be meek and softspoken when she was in NYC for a short period, but she was quite the opposite in cambridge. now i understood it as her being overwhelmed in nyc because of all the stimulation, which caused her to shut down a little. anyway, her voice was a little louder than i remember haha, and her presence was a bit intense that i became quite shy. i got to meet her two cats and her bf M, who ended up hanging out with us for the majority of the time.

because K and M are both very intellectual (hello cambridge), matt really enjoyed conversing with them. M kind of embodies an altruistic jewish man with SF tech culture. M has an open library project, is anti-consumerist, and often wears a purple shirt with his name and QR code to his website. he keeps a public spreadsheet of his goals since 2015 and told us he's done 80K pushups. we walked around cambridge, went to an ice cream shop, linen shop, and a tea shop. then we chilled a bit at her condo where he made us some tea. got yummy udon at the nearby lesley university, and then went to a brewery afterwards. it was a long hangout, lol!

right after this hangout, i felt really self-conscious. i was the least accomplished one and honestly felt like the dumbest one in the group. they're (more so her) quick on their feet, decisive/opinionated, and can churn out thoughtful intelligent responses in seconds. her condo had a tiny TV, but many books and board games. she texted me after the hangout saying it was so nice meeting us and she appreciates me for going to visit her. i was dealing with my own feelings of unworthiness, and feeling like i don't quite fit in. i also usually don't see the intellectual side of matt often because he's totally drained from work and doesn't want to do more thinking outside of work. he had more of the spotlight because they were interested in his career. i felt like i didn't have much to share.

i felt self-conscious for a whole day afterwards, and felt weird responding to her texts, even though we chat so often (over text, reddit, and IG). i kinda wondered if we would even be friends organically if we didn't already have such deep chats via the internet. i finally got over that mental hump of not being worthy enough, and began chatting with her like normal again. instead of feeling unworthy, i tried to shift my perspective to feel lucky and inspired to have such intelligent company who i can learn things from.

matt and i also got to stay in the machimoodus getaway cabin in connecticut for the first time for two nights. i'm keeping a google sheet of the number of countries and states i've been to. so far, it's 18 countries and 18 US states. i didn't count the ones that were just layovers/pass throughs. we got into a frustrating argument in the car ride there, which i understand is all based on emotions. he's pretty much ded after the longer work week + one whole day of socializing with new people, which made him highly anxious and easily stressed because he had not had any alone/quiet time for a while. so, he gets highly anxious when i'm driving (stop!, slow down!) and i in turn get upset and react negatively to his anxiety because it triggers my anxiety. i get super annoyed at back-seat driving, especially when i'm the better (and more conscious) driver between the two of us.

i know that this was something that was discussed in my therapy session, where i don't have to fix his anxieties, and at the very least, don't need to take it personally. it's a work in progress for the both of us.

the getaway: it's the most secluded glamping site that we've been to. it's semi-luxurious, and not nearly as luxurious as autocamp. autocamp provides very nice dinnerware, a hairdryer, a TV, fast internet, etc. both autocamp and undercanvas had a community area where you can purchase food/drinks and hangout. getaway was much more isolated, and their store is self-service. no hairdryer and the dinnerware is a little cheap. the cabin is actually very tiny and thoughtfully designed (to stow away luggages and shoes). i really enjoyed the giant glass window and the windows throughout the cabin to feel at one with nature. since we had a 4 night package and also wanted to go glamping during the fall foliage season, we booked another two nights in october. K&M may join us (but not sure, as M does not like to spend money).

CT: so beautiful and lush, went to the nearby cat cafe where we were the only asians and they displayed an "antiracism" sign on the door (which i'm guessing that means that racism is prevalent in that area), checked out boho farms and got a pumpkin spice candle, went to the local grocery market twice, and did a short hike at machimoodus state park.

work: my new boss (director) officially announced my promotion yesterday in an email and included what duties will be shifted to my previous manager and my colleague. it's definitely weird to give my old manager work to do? so i'm trying to do as much as i can. there's a lot on my plate right now as i'm taking over compliance management and resolving previous payroll issues, all while still doing majority of the work for the VCP and housestaff populations. i do feel happier though, like that i'm actually looking forward to doing this type of work. it's very introverted and a bit more challenging so i'm excited to give a good impression in my first few months.

[kanmom51]

It's amazing when Jimin and Jungkook make unambiguous, loud and dgaf statements, such as including the hickey in the DVD to name one of the latest. This kind of content consciously shows, or wishes to make it appear as if, Jikook are more than platonic friends/are an actual couple. It walks the line between transparency vs. deniability. To expect any declaration beyond this would be to misunderstand the complexities of institutional and cultural homophobia in SK as well as fan culture at large, which includes global fans.

Jimin and Jungkook are likely aware of the speculation, the edits,the analysis, the homophobia etc. Anyone's guess what their psychological relationships with these elements of the fandom are. On the one hand, their status as a couple, which they seem to flaunt at times, is validated, which as a former closeted person myself, I get the appeal of. On the other hand, some of the speculation might feel strange. Maybe there is somd pressure from some corporate or other entities to hide. Who knows?

Not to sound like a tkkr but sometimes I think Jkk make choices to step back. I've noticed sometimes Jungkook especially seems uncomfortable or conscious of the camera (such as when Jikook held hands in that gum commercial behind the scenes), NOT uncomfortable with Jimin, but with the presence of CAMERAs. Do you think exposure has made them more self conscious at times? Is there a push and pull between bold and hidden, with hidden =ing protection? At this point, fans aren't just reading the performances. They are paying attention to car rides, units, and the dreaded birthday tweets.

(Then there are the "whatever they have" people. I will say the whole maybe they are friends with weird/no boundaries thing doesn't fly with me because if they are that, they have still been presented in unambiguously gay ways in content and these smart people know how fandom works. The hickey thing, which was not necessary but still kept in there for a reason, was the last straw before that could have flown).

The birthday tweets seem like a source of stress right about now. Personally I have never wished my wife happy birthday on any form of social media. I just see her and say it. But with Jikook, all the meaning read into birthday posts can become this uncomfortable thing where the glass closeted relationship gets judged on an unfairly public basis in my humble opinion.

If Jungkook doesn't post on Jimin's birthday, thousands of people will judge, blame and shame him. There will be a countdown starting midnight, Korea time and people will be waiting. We all know it. If it turns out he drew Jhope, shared a photo of Yoongi but then does nothing public for Jimin, it will be WW3. Notice I said, nothing public, not nothing. Strangers who know nothing about Jimin and Jungkook's irl day that day will be in tears if nothing is presented for public consumption. Hope becomes expectation at some point. Lots of people who love seeing Jimin and Jungkook's relationship validated as a romantic one have a lot of emotions riding on this one silly thing (see, car rides). I don't think that is a fair burden to place on any person, public or private; out or closeted.

I love your blog Kanmom and have always been a lurker. This is the first time I've commented and I know it is too long. Just some thoughts and feelings I thought I would share as a gay woman who came of age in a time where the gay was far from ok. I am just not looking forward to precious Jimin's birthday knowing what could happen, you know?

Your blog is supportive and full of positivity, you do such a great job with it.

Oh, anon, thank you so so much for your kind words. I'm just here writing what I believe in, and hoping that maybe, just maybe, my words can have some kind of impact. It's for those that think they are alone to know that they aren't, that there are those out there that will see them as they are, accept them as they are, and it's for those that might think differently, and maybe, just maybe my words can help them see life a bit differently, idk, here's hoping.

Jikook, oh what a couple they are. This push and pull we have had these couple of years, more so since 2019 than ever before. 2 steps forward then one step back. Pushing the boundaries, then pulling back a little. They want us to know. They want us to see them for who they are. They want to be accepted for their true self. But they also know that there will be many that won't accept them for who they are, won't accept their love, will deem it as 'wrong', 'sinful'. They want to take off the mask, but also know that by taking it off they can be seen as 'ugly', as 'a monster', and that could have a dire effect on their safety, their careers. But not only their own careers, also their band mates, also their families.

...You know that I can’t Show you me Give you me I can’t show you a ruined part of myself Once again I put a mask on and go to see you But I still want you...

Bloomed in a garden of loneliness A flower that resembles you I wanted to give it to you After I take off this foolish mask But I know I can't do that forever I have to hide Because I'm a monster I am afraid I am shattered I’m so afraid That you will leave me again in the end Once again I put on a mask and go to see you...

I think that is why TTU is so important to them, the changes they made to those last performances in their Seoul concerts in 2019, heart clenching. I've heard JK refer more than once to that mask he feels he has to wear, the fear of showing his true self and if he would be accepted if he showed his true self. And I think that JM struggles with the same issues, maybe even more so, as I think others perception of him, what people think of him, is more important to him.

So there is an inner struggle. Wanting to be yourself and for others to see you as you are and accept you as you are, a defiance, while dealing with that understandable fear of being rejected by those others if you do show them yourself, your true self.

You want to be true to yourself, but then fear others won't accept that person, the real you. I think every single one of us deals with this issue one time or another in their lives, but when it comes to sexuality it's heightened by tenfold, especially so when you are living in a society that doesn't accept LGBTQ+.

I believe that since 2018, since BTS renewed their contracts changes were made by JK & JM. They were not only given more freedom, but I do believe that BH with them are consciously pushing the boundaries time and time again.

Showing them as a couple, painting them as an inseparable unit, showcasing some of their couplie behaviour. We saw it with the RB ear suck that found it's way into official content in 4K, we saw it in memories 2019, we saw it with the MMA 2020 Black swan dance, with the Dynamite holiday performance (stood aside matching clothes, just like a couple, and we certainly moved on from that JM move during that performance).

We have Run episodes that are finding Jikook paired up more often than before. We got memories 2020, omg, and when we thought that was the pinnacle, that's when we got the MOTS ON:E dvd, god help us.

The crème de la crème, hickey-gate.

This was no coincidence or mistake. This was all by design. No one was even aware of this hickey that happened a year ago, and unless they wouldn't have brought attention to it, we wouldn't even know about it. That clearly this was a conscious decision both by BH and Jikook, to add this footage to the dvd. JK was filmed arriving that day with the hickey. Both JM & JK addressed the hickey that day. All three of those clips could have been left out, disappeared, and we would have been non the wiser. We all know that they had plenty of more footage that could have been shared instead. No. This was a clear decision to show us this. Show us, yet again, how different JK&JM's relationship is.

Now, if we, by any chance, thought this wasn't by design, which we would have to be pretty dense to see considering all of the above, well JK & JM's consecutive selfies on the day of the release, while hickey and Jikook are trending, that says it all to me.

I look at these as official content, edited content, differently than I judge lives. And in this official edited content we are getting Jikook clearer and louder.

But then we have the pull backs. You are totally right here, I've seen them too. It's JK intertwining fingers with JM only to pull back when he notices the camera. It's JK to harmonize with JM only to stop when he notices the camera. It's JM pulling back from JK in front of the camera. I've seen this happen in the past 7 months or so, and I asked myself why this is happening.

I think this is a combination of the panic mode, questioning if they went too far this time, and perhaps other issues they were going through (I personally think that the uncertainty of the looming military service had something to do with the toning down too, but that's me maybe overthinking here, although memories and hickey-gate came after they already knew of the ambassador appointments, so maybe it did have something to do with it).

So, after the Feb 2021 live there was a bit of a pull back, but we did still get Jikook moments. It's not like they stopped being them, they just toned it down just a little (it's not like we didn't get JK kind of grunt and call JM sexy now, did we?).

Saying that the content we are seeing now is the professional content. Interviews, photoshoots, concerts/performances. No fan cams, no fan meets or fan signs, almost no behind the scenes, no music awards, no red carpets. So, it's only natural we will see it less. So, this could also be us seeing them in real time trying to be more professional, and in memories 2021 they will once again be in our faces, loud and proud.

As for the car rides, I talked about if this is happening (at least in front of the cameras) why it is happening (privacy issues).

Now as to the birthday tweets. JM posted for JK every single year since 2013. JK posted 2013-2019 but not 2020. These posts are for the fans, period. This is about what they want to show the fans. They have nothing to do with how they feel about each other or what they give each other or how they wish each other for their birthdays. I've been married for almost 30 years and I never wished my husband for his birthday on social media. It's not about showing others how I feel about him, it's about showing him. So it's a personal card, a personal message, which at the end of the day, and call me old fashioned or stupid, but I think means so much more than posting a message on social media for everyone to see. So, would it be cute to see JK post for JM? Hell yeah. Should we expect it of him? No sir. Does it mean he doesn’t love JM or that they have parted ways? Of course it doesn’t.

We have a lot to look forward to. ITS season 2 is coming up very soon. Then we have the newly announced concerts (damn, I'm jealous of the LA fans). That means travel & hotel room Vlives & fan cams.

[nightswithkookmin]

Hey Goldy, i'm positive Yoongi isn't straight and has been fairly open about it from the early years. So do u think that Yoongi could've influenced Jikook (especially Jimin cuz he is very close to him) in any sort of way on their journey?

Jimin is VERY close to Yoongi

Thank you so much for this statement😭

I feel seen and heard🤧

Not a lot of Jokers out here appreciate Yoonmin's bond😭😭😭😭

The disrespect! How dare they!

In reality, Yoonmin is one of the best ships that reflects the hyung dongsaeng dynamic perfectly in BTS in my opinion- Jinkook and Yoonkook, NamTae are heavy contenders I'd say but Yoonmin is right up there with them. Love Jihope too- if they could cut down on the flirting chilee.

No JHOPE I don't want you to call Jimin sexy or look at him like you want to gobble him with a glass of Sprite- it's weird😭😭😭

But also don't stop

From Suga 'bullying' Jimin, teasing him, praising him, mentoring him, the bickering- he is the biggest PJM right next to JK and Namjoon. I said what I said.

So thank you for this. I literally cried.

Feel so good to hear someone say that.

I'm having an existential crisis at the moment and Yoonmin is what is getting me through it at the moment.

People need to stop invalidating the members' bond. Seriously. Not cool. They all have beautiful dynamics real or not.

But he's gay? 🤔

You believe Suga is gay??

Damn.

He's queer and has been pretty open about it from the beginning???

A lot of people assume that about him actually. I think it's interesting.

Did he influence Jikook, Jimin in anyway...

If by influence you mean support then yes. I think he was and has been very supportive of Jimin and JK individually and has helped them embrace and make sense of certain aspects of themselves.

I think he's more understanding than most of the challenges and difficulties of being young and uncertain of who you are growing up under public scrutiny and in a highly hostile environment.

I think he is wise beyond his age and I have a ton of love and respect for him as both a person and an artist.

I love 'People' so much...

I think the most Iconic thing he's said so far to me is this totally woke, fanservice questioning and ridiculing statement:

'I didn't want to wear the maid outfit. I was surprised when they said it's for the fans. We don't have any interest in seeing girls wear men's clothes so why does the fans want us to wear women's clothes?'

It's weird. Fanservice is weird.

My least favorite moment of his is when he admonished JK not to say things like he'd want a tattoo when he grows up because the fans wouldn't like that.

I found that very contradictory for someone who's life motto is nevermind- or is it I don't give a shit?😏

Find it equally triggering whenever he teases JK about crying too much or being a cry baby as if it's wrong for men to cry. There's nothing wrong with shedding tears. Men cry too.

Then the bit about him not wanting tattoos or just a dot on his toe or feet or something because he has things he might want to do post BTS that having a tattoo would just be an inconvenience... quite conservative I'd say.

He don't give a fuck but then he gives a fuck?

Mans gotta be a realist or I'd chalk up these inconsistencies in his values to the clash between his Persona and his real self.

To be fair, he's not the only one. That conflict plays out in almost every member's outlook.

I see Yoongi as that one person who'd say to a person, go for it but end that advice with a caveat such as, 'but understand people will hate you for it' or some truth along those lies.

He places consequences right next to desire and as long as the person is not oblivious to and can bare the consequences of their actions, decisions and choices then I think he'd ask them to go for it and stand in their truth.

That much I know is his value and I can see how that might have impacted both JM and JK. But rather than encourage them to take risks, I think he pushes them to seize opportunities and put themselves outside- there's a difference there. Their not one and the same.

More than anyone in BTS, I think he understands the gravity of being queer, closeted or being in a relationship with a bandmate in the industry they work in.

I think he is much mature enough to understand the consequences of over attachment and risks of detachment and that too plays out in the way Jikook carry themselves around in the group.

Other than that, I think he minds his business most times.

Do I think he is open minded about conversations on sexuality? Absolutely.

But that's as far as I can go on the topic.

I do not believe he is queer and I'm not convinced in anyway he is pansexual or bisexual either- don't quote his song lyrics to me I already know. Lol.

Boy or girl my tongue will send you to hongkong....

And then his interviews about what he finds attractive in women??

'... it's not limited to boys or girls?'

Lolololololololol

I think that bit was heavily misconstrued.

'I'M NOT GAY'

This was his response when he was asked to talk about moments his heart skipped because of JHOPE. Similar to moments when the members had said their they almost fell for a band mate perhaps.

Other translations of that statement he made in the interview was, 'since we are both men, how can my heart throb for a man' and then he laughs it off.

Knowing Suga, I think he probably meant that in the most ridiculing, most mocking way possible- these interviewers be asking some stupid questions sometimes.

But imagine Suga saying that with two gay members sitting right next to him in that interview and how these members would feel hearing him say that about homosexuality.

One thing about BTS, if they be making loud openly 'woke' statements, take a shovel to their past- it's usually because they've messed up somewhere and are simply acting conscious of the things they say that can come across as problematic. In my opinion.

They do learn and grow from their mistakes. That's one thing I love about BTS.

They've all had their problematic moments as I keep saying.

To me, this interview moment would be one of such said problematic moments if not one very homophobic moment of Suga's- if the translations were right I mean. chileee. Lemme shut up. Lol.

And before anyone says but JK said the same thing too...

JK had a 'fear' of coming across as Gay in his early years. Part of the reason he wanted JM on the west of his east when the cameras came around- in my opinion.

He'd stutter when similar 'gay' questions were thrown his way- prompting Jimin to ask him straight away not to answer said question when an interviewer asked him.

You pair that with some of the members describing him as 'wanting to be manly' or appear like a manly man and it's not hard to figure out what was going on with him.

He'd pause and look at JM funny when JM would describe their relationship as in between friends and romance...

Jimin had to tell him to relax and that it was normal for men to say 'love' to men without it being weird or gay.

He knew gayism was a thing. He simply didn't want to be viewed as one- either because of his own repressed homosexual desires, in which case that would be internalized homophobia or he really really didn't like being thought of as gay- homophobia.

Suga's is different.

He either genuinely didn't know gay was a thing or that some men's heart actually beat for other men- seems to me he thought the idea of a man's heart skipping for another man absurd or impossible- or dude thought he was being a smart pants with that remark. Lol.

Baring his age in mind at the time of the interview, that in anyway reflects his ideals or assumptions about sexuality. That heterosexuality is D norm. That straight is all he can be or should be thought of as- He clearly hasn't read the blogs. He's in for a rude awakening.

If JK had this ideology about sexuality I think he would have been able to hide his sexuality better and not freak out each time people made jokes about it💀

Suga's said explicitly he is attracted to gal's who wear headphones, doesn't like gals who play hard to get- said he'd kick em if they didn't quit playing hard to get (misogynistic and abusive lyrics there but it's hiphop- let's not talk about that) finds it ridiculous that men should wear female clothes, thinks 'men' shouldn't cry.... all the making of a fine gay man😃

Should we chalk it up to internalized homophobia then??

I wouldn't.

A very dedicated Sope shipper will tell you, he said what he said to cover the fact he is gay so there's that. Lol.

I'm just not convinced Suga is part of the community but I think he is open minded now, leans less into his conservative values and more towards progressive values and thoughts.

I don't think he in any way shape or form 'influenced' Jikook to be gay or to do the gay if that's what you were asking.

But I do respect your opinion on Suga. I think we are all free to assume whatever we want in this case.

I might be wrong about him. You might be wrong about him or we could all be right. We will never know.

Thanks for the ask.

Wasn't comfortable answering it though. Lol.

I don't like when I have to watch what I say.

Sigh.

Signed,

GOLDY

[seyaryminamoto]

I'm still confused as to how Iroh can just chill in Ba Sing Se after trying to burn it to the ground a few years ago?? That's like Bush moving to Iraq lmao. Yet mainstream fandom acts like Iroh is an angel and the citizens of Ba sing se should be grateful while in reality he will be the most wanted by the Earth Kingdom after the war is over.

... Curious analogy about Bush O.o I’d say maybe he’s not outright Bush, since Bush wasn’t the commanding officer on the field... a quick wikipedia search tells me the one who led the invasion in Iraq was Tommy Franks, a now-retired general? :’D yep, sounds more like this guy moving to Iraq, then.

People have made many excuses about Iroh being free to live in Ba Sing Se because he helped liberate it from the Fire Nation in the end, and I’m not going to lie, narratively it’s not even a bad idea for Iroh to have dreamt he’d “take” Ba Sing Se in his youth only for the dream to have a completely different meaning than he thought it did...

... But that would only be genuinely sweet and heartwarming if he hadn’t been responsible for an actual 600-day siege on the city. 

It’s not even a matter of headcanon whether Iroh is seen as a war criminal or not: we literally have an episode in Book 1 where he’s captured by Earth Kingdom soldiers who are hellbent on making Iroh face justice for his actions. By Book 2, Iroh and Zuko acknowledge they’re criminals to both Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation authorities: they need alter egos so they can travel the Earth Kingdom freely, otherwise they’ll face obvious consequences. Therefore, Iroh was very much a wanted criminal, and for solid reasons beyond “he’s related to the Fire Lord”. That his later actions helped liberate Ba Sing Se from the Fire Nation can’t be denied, but it doesn’t mean he should have been forgiven automatically for everything he did in the past. Perhaps he could get away with some sort of pardon by the Earth King, but pushing that as far as “he can settle down in the city he had under attack for almost two years and live happily there with zero consequences” can be a little too far in the suspension of disbelief department indeed.

It’s those small things, really, that make Iroh’s situation so very wishful and not as well-written as it could/should be. Featuring him as a wanted criminal in one season, as a runaway living under an alias in another... and then as a welcome tea connoisseur in the next one, who lives perfectly happy in the Earth Kingdom because he helped end the war? I might have felt better about it if maybe the show had the chance to feature Kuei offering him a public, controversial pardon for his past crimes, but as it was, it felt like that ending was meant to whitewash Iroh beyond reason... then again, Book 3 at large whitewashed Iroh constantly, even when they were trying to show him as flawed they merely backtracked right away (in The Firebending Masters).

I guess it’s partly a problem caused by the writing room being so set on indeminizing Iroh and giving him a perfect ending... I mean, recently I’ve been seeing a lot about how Aaron Ehasz inspired Iroh on his stepfather, a man he deeply admired. This may be the biggest writing mistake I’ve ever seen by him, because while you absolutely can love your characters, and you can inspire them on people you love, merging both things together will easily skew your understanding of the character until the character just stops being fiction and becomes a mere stand-in for the person you love IRL. It’s no different a concept from Mary Sues and self-inserts that constitute a completely unrealistic idealization of the author themselves, only, in Iroh’s case it’s the idealization of a loved one through writing. And this, perhaps, can even explain why Iroh goes from goofy-occasionally-wise in Book 1, to generally-wise-but-still-mostly-funny in Book 2, to the absolute paragon and pinnacle of wisdom in Book 3 (despite half his wisdom is contradictory and even hypocritical). These changes in Iroh’s writing wouldn’t necessarily obey character growth and development, but rather, they would answer the Head Writer’s conscious or subconscious merging of the identities of Iroh and his stepfather, to the point where he obviously can’t acknowledge Iroh’s faults because that’d be a disservice to the stepfather he admired deeply... which, in turn, results in a disservice to the writing of the show, for Iroh’s accountability for his past mistakes is relegated to the burning of a flag and nothing else, and that’s beyond hard to buy.

I’ve also talked in other asks about the three facets of Iroh, it might shed extra light on why the fandom treats Iroh as they do, and why they disregard Iroh’s past crimes so easily while focusing only on how nice he is, how wise he is, how funny he is. It’s why they think this isn’t weird in the least, whereas once you detach yourself from the emotional component in the show slightly, Iroh living peacefully in Ba Sing Se ends up feeling like a rather poorly thought-out conclusion for the character. 

Imagine I wrote a redemption story for Ozai (... easier said than done, I know xD), where he ends up realizing where he went wrong and devotes his life to correcting his mistakes and help the world on a better path: if I sent Ozai to live happily ever after in a restaurant in Omashu, to say one thing, the place that was renamed for him and that used to bear a monument to his ridiculous ego, no less, people would immediately tell me I’m insane, no matter how well-written the story could be. And they wouldn’t be wrong to do so: it’s simply not reasonable to give a character who committed HUGE war crimes a simplistic happy ending without considering how much backlash and how many complications can arise from it. 

Seriously, imagine how many Earth Kingdom people will want to barge into Iroh’s teashop to yell at him because his actions got a relative of theirs, or a loved one, killed during the war? Imagine people outright sabotaging his teashop, even setting it on fire or something radical like that... it could happen! There’s seriously no reason to assume otherwise. We saw, in the Promise, a group of angry Earth Kingdom people yelling outside Yu Dao in protest to Zuko’s decision to keep the city as a Fire Nation colony: how many people would want to charge into the Upper Ring of Ba Sing Se to protest that Iroh has no right to live in this city, let alone to serve people tea carelessly when he’s responsible for so many awful deeds?

And there’s the other side of the coin: Zuko faces backlash on that same comic trilogy from the Fire Nation people, who see him as a traitor who’s selling out his people to the Avatar and the Earth Kingdom. Who’s to say some Fire Nation occupants of the city haven’t been lying low in wait to attack Iroh for his perceived treason of the Fire Nation, too?

In real life, usually tyrants and big war criminals run away someplace neutral and live their remaining days in relative peace while keeping as low a profile as possible, while knowing that if they step out of their safety zone they’ll probably be captured and held accountable for their crimes. In ATLA, they can open teashops in the very city they attacked for 600 days without a care in the world, and nothing comes of it :’)

Again, I blame the writing room’s unreasonable bias towards Iroh. Liking a character =/= giving them everything they could ever want without considering the character’s actual circumstances and the reactions this can elicit in the people around them. Hell, having Iroh setting up a teashop in the Fire Nation, close to the Palace or something, would make a bit more sense than doing it in Ba Sing Se + it offers him chances to advise Zuko properly, which Zuko DIRELY needs. But nope, instead we get what we got, and most people don’t even find it slightly strange because of Iroh’s three-faced nature :’)

[unsung-heartbreaker]

i feel like as i've aged i've lost passion. i had an idea for a story at the start of secondary school (12-17?), it was a really cool idea with inspiration from all kinds of things, and i actually had fun writing it, and that was possibly because i wasn't allowed technology, though that was mostly just because my mom believes everything she reads on facebook. i still really want to do it, i think i just lack the motivation and passion required for such a feat. it could be an extention of the optimistic and nonchalantness of my youth, says the 15 year old, but i truly believe that my worries have became less 'oh how should i end this chapter?' and more 'how the fuck am i going to get a job? i have no energy and can't concentrate on anything, will i just end up being a burden on society?' i envy those people who aren't self conscious, those who can just say what they think to their parents. i don't even know how i feel most of the time, i'd best describe it as melancholy, and it's not like worrying about schoolwork is helping me. i don't want to blame it on quarantine because i've genuinely loved my time outside of time, and i fear for my studies and my future as a human. i've been thinking a lot about death and how it's inevitable. i've always thought i wanted to be remembered, but does it really matter? nothing is important in this world, and the immediate is often the most important. i'm unhappy with my body but lack the ability to change myself, and it's not like this frail human body will persist, i just want to be happy with myself before i die, and i don't know how i'm going to support myself going into the future. i worry too much and that's my problem, i don't live in the moment. i had all these ambitions, now i just want to live a quiet life in the woods, eating something dumb like children who wander too far into the woods. i want as quiet a death as i want my life. maybe i'll mail scripts to a publishing house under a pen name and give vague details about my life in the back of each, appear at public events in masks and rent hotels and travel around possibly weeks in advance, own a mansion and become an eccentric rich person who's just a bit weird.

[20dollarlolita]

we've got to thank a second to thank @zypiris for stepping up to do the administrative part of the discord up and running, and stopping it from being me randomly assigning colors to names and everything being a single text channel where everyone posts everything. Currently we have this setup where I vaguely suggest a feature that may or may not exist at all and then she makes that happen.

Since we are doing way more with this server than I thought was possible and there's living robots in there and everything now, I'm not opening it to the world until there's some automation going on and humans don't have to manually add everyone's pronouns to their profiles. The only thing you're missing right now is getting pinged 35 times in 6 minutes and I write and rewrite pinned posts over and over trying to decide what they should say. You have my word that this won't be a weird exclusive club that no one else is allowed in. Right now I just have to balance my need to welcome everyone and have a good party with everyone else's need to sleep and breathe and have a life outside of assigning colors to people's names.

ALSO, all the tutorials and things will still be posted to this blog. There will not be a secret stash of members-only information here. This blog is where I share info with you. The discord is so that YOU can easily show ME and other people what you're making. That's right, folks, this is set up entirely to fill my own selfish need to know what you're making.

If I didn't think that sewing knowledge should be as close to public domain as I can make it, I could have made a killing paywalling this blog long ago. When I make a resource, I do my best to make it available to everyone. I worked hard on that shit, so why shouldn't everyone see it? I actually feel really self-conscious about saying "I have this thing and not everyone can join it" right now, but I want it to be a good resource too, and right now that is involving starting it slowly so that we can streamline things and make something that actually works without that workload overwhelming people who are absolute volunteers doing this just because someone needs them to.

The only thing I've done so far is set up a bot that posts a cat picture when you ask it to. Someone else coded the bot but I told the server to use it. I'm useful.

okay wait so theres robots in discord

?????

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be ��normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D 

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE: HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I'm off to do some spooktacular writing at a NaNoWriMo event, but thought I would do some updating first. Hope you all have a spine-chilling evening!

CHAPTER EIGHT

                                           ~ x JUDGMENT x ~

Sae Niijima was silent for a few long, painfully quiet seconds as Makoto's voice faded out in the small interrogation room. Staring across at her sister uncomfortably, hand at her chin as she mulled over the entirety of this situation.

"What?" Makoto finally asked.

"The way you described that…" Her eyes lowered. They were flinty and her tone harsh, but the words themselves vulnerable if listened to closely enough. "I think I've robbed you of a normal home environment. That might be why you're going down this path."

"And what 'path' is that?" She folded her hands on the table, sitting up straight. "The wrong one?"

"Yes. And no. Just… a more difficult one than I would have chosen for my baby sister."

The student council president's eyes darkened. "I'm not a baby."

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it."

"Maybe not. But it's how you've always treated me. I used to buy into that, you know; used to accept that I was a burden on you. But it's not true, is it? Because I do as much for our household as you do at my present status. Going to school is my job, and I'm great at it."

Teeth clenching, she fired back at her, "But it isn't a job that contributes to our household right now. Even if I may have been harsh with you, I need you to understand how difficult my life is, and why I let it drain me as much as I do. You think I want to be a public prosecutor because it's 'fun'? This is hard work, Makoto."

"Of course," she sighed wearily. "And I know that already. You don't have to shove it in my face every few days so I don't forget."

"That's… not what…" Sae turned away, staring into the corner. "Fine. So you're a lesbian now, hm? That easy? One little crush moment and you make up your mind to-"

"I don't want to hear that from you," she fired at her hotly. "No, this is not something I 'decided'. You taught me it doesn't work that way, and I'm not trying to make it work that way for me. Just figuring myself out."

Waving her hands, she said, "Alright, alright. Enough about that for now. You're honestly telling me that you and Sadayo Kawakami never had sexual relations in that love hotel room? How am I supposed to actually believe that?"

Makoto sighed, all the ire leaving her expression as she slumped down in her chair. "Because I'm your sister. But maybe you can't trust me anymore, Sis. I don't know."

"Well, you must see how it looks. And I would prefer to trust you than not to trust you, but you have made that quite a bit more difficult than it was before I found out more than I bargained for."

"Right. About that… I guess you're still waiting for me to get you caught up, aren't you? I might as well…"

                                          ~ x The Priestess x ~

Miss Kawakami left Hotel Juliet not long after that. I insisted several times that she should take the extra ¥1000 for all the trouble, even if not for the foot rub, but she refused very firmly. Despite how much she needed the money, it seemed she still wanted to earn every last yen. Which is just the kind of person she was.

No, I did not purchase her stockings. Why would anyone do that?

So now we had a problem. I knew a secret about her, and she knew one about me. Granted, neither of us was the type of person who would use it for blackmail purposes, but it still made us responsible for keeping each other's secret under wraps. it was going to make interacting with each other very interesting from then on.

But before that, I had something else to follow up with. Or should I say, someone else.

"How'd it go?!" Ann demanded the moment the phone line connected. "C'mon, gimme those deets!"

"Not here," I whispered. "Meet me at the Ore No Beko - the beef bowl place, on Central Street?"

"Mkay, I'll see you there!"

The walk wasn't terribly far. I felt stupid leaving the love hotel in my "guy" costume, so I ducked into an alley and stowed the rest in the shoulder bag I brought along exactly for that reason. The chest bindings were still annoying but I would just have to put up with them until I went to the bathroom again.

Not long after that, Ann showed up. Even despite the late hour, there she was. I began to feel really lucky that we had become that close in such a short period of time.

"Hey, girl," she called excitedly as she pushed through the crowd over to my corner. Now she was wearing a red varsity jacket over a blue button-up with a white skirt. Three guesses whether she looked cute wearing it. Go on, guess.

"Hi."

As she bounced into the seat next to me, I moved my tea out of the way. "Hoowee! I ran all the way to the train, and then all the way here from the station!"

"That sounds like you," I chuckled in a quiet voice.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so. There's hot gossip, right?" Something must have shown in my face, because she leaned a little closer. "Hey… Mako-chan, what's the matter?"

"We should order. And then I'll tell you everything."

We ordered. And then I told her everything - well, everything except the teacher's identity and details that would expose that on accident. Luckily, Beko only seemed to get busier at night instead of emptier, so nobody could really pay attention to our conversation over all the noise. Or wanted to, I'm sure.

Amazingly enough, Ann took it pretty well. She just sat there and nodded, listening and glancing away. Well… at least I thought she was taking it well. What if she just couldn't hear me?

"Cool… um, you think you might be gay?"

So much for her not listening. "No idea," I sighed - then we paused while the bowls were sat in front of us. They smelled amazing, and we both inhaled the savoury aroma of the seasoned meat deeply before we broke our wooden chopsticks apart and dug in. Ann had opted to forego the egg - which I know is because she's trying to watch her figure for modelling - but I felt like I needed it after the night I had. Comfort food.

"Hmmhggh," she sighed a couple of minutes later, once our bellies were half-full of rice and beef and onion. "Geeze Louise, that really hit the spot!"

My lips twitched into a smile. "What is 'geeze Louise'? I don't know that one."

"Just something from the States." Stirring her bowl and staring into its depths, she began, "So…"

"So?"

"Well… you're into this teacher now."

"Hey, I am not," I tried to head her off. "Well… not for sure. But she is pretty, and um… and I liked talking to her woman-to-woman, once we got past all the… other stuff."

Smirking as she leaned closer, she muttered, "She bathed you, huh? That's a lot of 'other stuff'. Plus that sexy footrub!"

"Since when are footrubs 'sexy'?!"

"C'mon," she chuckled as she took a sip of her aloe drink - another healthy choice. Made me feel really self-conscious about my melon soda, but at least I had some tea before she got there. "Footrubs are like, the truest expression of love, right? Anybody can kiss a cute girl or boy on the lips, but saying 'I like you so much I'm gonna touch your stinky feet to make you feel better' is just… the real shit! Totes selfless! Right?!"

Laughing weakly, I focused on my beef for a second or two, purely to avoid thinking too hard about whether or not she was right. Because if she was… a lot of the comments Kawakami made during and after the massage were even more telling than I thought. Which was bad.

Mistaking my silence for sadness, she sighed and put down her chopsticks. "Hey, I'm sorry. You're freaking out, right? I'd be freaking out."

"Well… it's a quiet freak-out."

"Uh-huh. Um… you said you don't know if this is just a weird thing or if it's really who you are. And like, I know in Japan it's 'weird' to like other girls, but it's not like that in the West! Like, what's her name? The one who was the spacy Disney fish… man, I can't remember right now. But she's a big gay icon, and she's had a wife for years! So it's like, real there, not a little kid thing."

I absorbed that as best I could through the filter of Ann's bubbly personality and meandering thought processes. "Yeah. Problem is, I am in Japan. Not over there. And here, people are going to think I'm either immature, or a pervert."

"I don't think you're a pervert." When I glanced over at her, those baby blues were burning holes right through me as she smiled. "You did this whole thing just to make sure she wasn't hurting that student, and to make sure she wasn't being hurt, either. Just because you ended up crushing on her… it's not a bad thing."

"No?" Screwing up my courage, or what I could find of it, I asked her, "You're not… uncomfortable?"

"Huh? No way! I mean, it's not like I had to watch you two or whatever."

"I meant sitting next to me. Knowing I might like girls."

"Oh." Her eyes glanced up and down. "Well… you might be a lesbian, but you're not a creep. Not all guys are Kamoshida, right? This is the same thing." Then she laughed and waved a hand back and forth as she added, "N-not that I'm saying all other lesbians are creeps! Probably none of 'em are! Like, I meant the opposite!"

"Okay, calm down," I chuckled, bumping her with my elbow. It worked; she relaxed a little, cheeks a tiny bit rosy. "But, um… thanks, Ann. Really. I can't even believe this is happening to me, and… I'm really relieved you're not upset that I'm… different."

Suddenly my face was being yanked around to look at her, so she was sandwiching my cheeks between both of her hands. "Mako-chan. Did you forget what our after school job is? Like, you wanting to make out with one of your teachers ain't that crazy."

"Ann…" It must have been the relief in my voice, because she gulped. "Hm?"

"Ooh… okay, it does make that sound a little different, though," she said nervously as she let go of my face. "Never had a gay girl say my name like that."

"I didn't say I was gay for certain!" I hissed at her. "Would you let me figure this out on my own?!"

Her head was already tilting thoughtfully. "Do you think that's what it's going to be what it's like when a boy finally asks me out, and he says my name as we stare into each other's eyes under the moonlight?"

"I'm not a boy!"

"You were for a few hours. And you still have no boobs right now!"

"ANN!"

                                          ~ o ~

By the time we had polished off our food and exited the restaurant, the topic of my burgeoning sexuality had gotten a little old. So we went back to discussing Miss Kawakami. The warm night combined with the warm food in our stomachs made us yearn for the cool underground of the subway station as we chattered back and forth.

"I wish I knew who it was," Ann sighed. "Especially… like, I keep wanting to guess. I stopped myself from doing it at least six times."

"Who would you guess?" I asked curiously as we jogged down the stairs. "I'm granting you permission now."

"Huh? Oh, um… well, I really can only think of Miss Chouno and Miss Kawakami. I don't think many of the other teachers could pull off a maid costume at all."

"O-oh?" I gasped, uncomfortable at how close she was.

"Well… Ms. Usami might be pretty cute behind those glasses. And with that wig you mentioned. Kinda hard to tell."

Relaxing just the tiniest bit, I said, "Okay. I was just curious who you would guess; I still promised not to tell anybody. Even though if I was going to tell, it would be you."

That might have been the biggest smile I ever saw on Ann Takamaki's face. And she regularly smiled bright enough to put the sun to shame.

"Thing is," she finally said as we waited for the train, "I still have no idea what to tell you. How are you supposed to actually go out with her if she's your teacher? I mean, in half a year you could ask her out for real; she wouldn't be your teacher anymore once you're off to university. Right?"

My eyebrows shot up. "Oh. Wow, I hadn't even… thought about that." Then I deflated, staring down at the dirty platform. "But isn't it still a little… unpleasant? Some eighteen-year-old crawling all over an adult?"

"I doubt you would 'crawl' on her like that," Ann laughed. "But I get what you mean. Just… I know this is some huge, brand new thing. You're still figuring it out. But if she ends up making you happy, then… you owe it to yourself to go for it! Don't let anybody tell you what you need besides your own heart!"

"Ann," I laughed. But the earnestness in her expression stopped me short. "Ann… you really think that? I should date my teacher?"

"Not 'your teacher'. You should date… Becky. Or whatever Becky's real name is - you don't have to tell me. But if you ever feel like you n-"

My hand pressed into her mouth. "Stop, stop. Thank you. But yeah, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. What am I going to do about this situation with her working herself to death for those two awful people? That on top of me being attracted to her is… the whole thing is a mess."

"UGH! I wish I knew who it was - my advice would be better!" When I glared, she held up a hand, eyes closed. "Don't tell me. That wasn't me trying to get you to cave, just being frustrated that I can't help more."

"Sure, sure." Suddenly, I threw my arms around her. I wasn't used to doing that, but maybe it was time I started putting in more effort in that regard. "Thanks, Ann. You're an incredible friend."

After only a brief hesitation, she hugged back. "Hey, it's okay. I got you." There was no holding back because I might be gay, no jokes. Just firm acceptance. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

                                          ~ x JUDGMENT x ~

"Well, that is wonderful to hear," Sae sighed wearily, rubbing her temples. "But having a supportive friend doesn't answer the question at hand. We're supposed to be talking about the nature of your relationship with Sadayo Kawakami. If all you did was rub her feet once, then I suppose I can overlook any allegations of misconduct with a student under her care."

The younger Niijima shifted in her seat, trying to abate her tension and discomfort. "I was hoping you would do that anyway. As a favour to me."

"You know I can't do that. The law is the law, and you are one of her students. Even if you're old enough to decide for yourself who you date."

"I am?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yes. I might be your legal guardian, but…" With a helpless shrug, she added, "All I can do is tell you it's unwise. After that, the choice is all yours."

"Dating women, or dating Sadayo?"

"Both. Unwise specifically because she's so much older than you, but also because she is a sex worker. Regardless," she rushed ahead when she saw Makoto was about to protest, "of whether or not her sexual activities in her job as Delivery Health maid are minimal, and rarely utilised. It's still not nothing, and you could wind up with an infection. You're my responsibility, and that includes making sure you don't get sick."

"Well…" Dipping her head, she admitted, "You have a point. And I do appreciate you looking out for me, Sis. But I would put my love for someone before any worry about risks like that. Not saying I 'love' Sadayo; just clarifying my priorities."

Sae picked up her pen and began clicking over and over. Just a nervous tick to help distract herself from being unduly upset. "Fine, fine. I suppose that's… admirable, in a foolish way. But as interesting as it is, I don't know why you bothered telling me about this conversation with Takamaki."

The truth was, she was jealous of the blonde. Ann got to freely and openly offer Makoto her support in a way Sae never could; she didn't get to be the 'big sister' anymore. Now she had to be her parent, until such a time as Makoto grew up and left the house - entered the workforce of Japan for real. Even then, she would probably always have to look out for her best interests for the rest of her life.

"It will be important later. And… I'm sorry."

Sae's eyebrow went up. "Sorry? For what?"

"That I can't simply let you believe all I've done with Sadayo is letting her bathe me and paying her back with a massage," she went on in a near-silent voice. "There's definitely more, and I promised you the whole story. So yeah, sorry about this in advance, but… I have to keep going."

Heart sinking down into the floor, she whispered, "Very well. Continue."

                                          To Be Continued…