#I'm basically getting 2 meals of value for one and I personally really want to reward you for the good tea

[funarisjournal]

The Beginning (Comic Edition, Pt 2)

Saved the rest of this revisit for today's slow periods at work. I liveblogged on Twitter, but this is where I really get to write my thoughts out. No tiny character limits!

Anyway, if you haven't seen the first part, I suggest you check it out first because I'm going in all "Now, where was I?" Style.

[Again, my essays are more for those that have already read the story over once or twice and are looking for some deeper analyzations. Spoilers may be mentioned, so you are warned!]

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Kasuga just opened the door and there was her neighbor, the one she had awkwardly talked to the previous evening.

Repeat photos, yay!

Anyway, there are two things going on here.

Kasuga opening the door to see who it is. She sees it's her neighbor and they had that convo, so she's steeling herself. She knows she can just close the door if it gets uncomfortable, but she is willing to listen because food, you say? She's (warily) listening...

Nomoto, meanwhile, is a nervous wreck because, well, how do you word this?? She is more nervous about the food proposal than Kasuga! Even on the next page, the nervousness stems from the weird-to-Nomoto request for someone to help finish off the meal she made tonight. Like, this is how she's truly introducing herself to her neighbor with little to no prior interaction. "Hi, how you doing? Wanna eat my food?"

She is well aware it sounds weird and maybe even creepy but...but what else is she gonna do with all that food when she's got no social circles or community knowledge under her belt?

We know how she acts when others (especially men) frame her passion as great wife material, but when she has to talk about it? Anxiety through the roof. She's judging herself and being self-conscious. In a way, I like how this isn't "Kasuga is a big, cold, scary woman" and more "Nomoto is super self-conscious and doesn't know how to be social in-person anymore (because she hasn't had friends since her school days and that's almost 15-ish years now, based on what I've inferred from other pages re: her current age and knowing the comic is basically Present Day)

Poor Nomoto has a lot of baggage herself. It's not as obvious in these first chapters, but she was clearly molded by folks who definitely harped on the traditional values and other expectations of adulthood around her too much....NOMOTO'S MOM.

But...I digress. So, there's something interesting to note here. I don't think I've seen people point out this specific panel. Namely, that last one, Kasuga's eye.

Kasuga loves to eat. We know this, even new readers get that impression pretty quick (and the cover, of course). She wants to enjoy all the food in the world, probably even the mediocre stuff (to which she can make future purchasing/eating-out options when she can afford it)

As you get to know her, and you come back to these early pages, you realize this food stunned her.

While we know Nomoto's food is delicious and others have voiced their satisfaction with it, Kasuga was able to taste an extra special ingredient that night. Yes, I'm being a little cheesy here. This special, "invisible" ingredient that has been missing in her life resonated within, and she responded with the most emphatic eating that, in turn, stunned Nomoto in feelings she hasn't felt before.

Fun thing to note with Nomoto in the center of the page here: based on the way it's drawn, this woman is having multiple things firing up inside her at full blast; not just the sight of someone enjoying her massive portion of food, but seeing HOW MUCH they're enjoying it and just never experiencing this before. It's new, it's stunning (multiple definitions)...she is just this side of BSOD-ing.

They have been cooking and eating with something missing all this time. Put them together and it's like something opens up within both. They had what the other was missing and they were LITERALLY NEIGHBORS...but it took a chance encounter in an elevator to start the connection

The next parts are basically Nomoto's raisom d'etre waking up from its slumber. She remembers why she took up cooking in the first place...

And while we can attribute these panels as a little lighthearted, comedic moment as the chapter comes to a close, consider this: the birds, bunnies, and deer never came...and neither did any people as she grew up and began her cooking journey. She found a "workaround" via sharing online, but it's not like her old dream. She said at the beginning how her food is missing an audience that will fully enjoy it (not just as posts). She has never had anyone around to enjoy her food until Kasuga agreed to finish off this plate.

And this is where I realized something.

....Did Nomoto even cook when she lived with her folks? Did she cook back then and they didn't enjoy it? Did she only cook for herself and that's how she learned? Or maybe her mom was like "leave all the cooking to me" so she never had a chance to show off?

Like this raises a lot of questions that I wasn't expecting to have as I reread this chapter. The future nightmare scene in Vol 2 doesn't help matters, though it gives us further insight about her friendships and her being pushed into heteronormative adulthood even at a young age. Sure, it's a nightmare, with some fantastical, nightmareish transitions, but a lot of those scenes appear to be based on past experiences she had, including the orientation quiz BUT I digress. Again! That can be for another essay!

Anyway! Whoo! What a ride, eh? And I still plan to do an essay over how Episode 1 of the drama covered their beginnings, so look forward to that!

[friendofthecrows]

Not me going down to the local pida shop and buying all their 7 lira kiddie apple juice boxes despite the odd looks (since I am very obviously an adult foreigner with money, why would I be buying the cheap kiddie apple juices??) because my overly sensitive taste buds decided they didn't like the flavor of the bottled water at the hotel

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Hey! I hope you're doing okay! Like, I'm definitely a goy out here vibin w ur posts bc i relate to it having grown up v poor and fairly conservative in my parents' religion, Like, i guess my question is, does Jewish tradition allow for like, smaller groups of people to meet and spend shabbat together like one would at shul? Like i know my family and stuff would do that when we didnt have a congregation/building to go to. Idk if that was the point of your post? Idk, im kinda curious of your take.

Hey there!

Yeah that’s an interesting parallel. Yes, smaller communities that are lay-led and/or don’t have a shul building are very much a thing in Judaism, as you don’t need a rabbi for most things and you can convene a minyan pretty much anywhere. 

I think for me personally, what I would like to see is a community that is radically committed to the highest level of tzedakah - that is, preventing poverty before any further giving is needed. I’d love to see a shul that intentionally positioned itself in the less well-off areas, that offered rides to services for people that needed it, that opened its doors to homeless and under-housed folks, that was seriously committed to the idea of sharing our Shabbos meals with people who would otherwise go hungry, that participated in and created where necessary the kinds of resources and social services that the surrounding community needed, etc. 

I would love for there to be a dual approach to this - an outward facing type of giving that worked in collaboration with local non-profits, community groups and organizations, other religious organizations, etc. to provide as much help as the community was reasonably able to do and to facilitate additional mutual aid where possible. Ideally, this community would also be able to be a link between the more well-off Jews/Jewish communities and the surrounding poorer folks in the community (whether Jewish or not.) 

And then, an inward facing type of giving that specifically focused on helping other Jews observe mitzvot and to eliminate as many barriers to observance as possible. So for example, this might including having volunteers go help people kasher their kitchens and helping people replace needed kitchen items that aren’t kasherable. It might include giving people needed Judaica that they wouldn’t be able to afford, and/or normalizing using borrowed or shared equipment. It could even include creating spaces for people to sleep at shul if they’ve walked a long way to get there or perhaps even drove there the night before. 

I think for me, what I’ve seen a lot of is shuls that really really excel at one and don’t do so hot at the other. I’ve come across lots of Reform shuls that do so much for the surrounding community and help people, Jewish or not, meet their basic needs, but they don’t encourage ritual observance or do much in the way of making that accessible to poorer Jews. On the flipside, I’ve seen lots of Chabad organizations do amazing work helping Jews get in contact with their heritage and faith and to connect Jews with tools and resources to observe in the ways they want. 

What I haven’t seen much of is (1) shuls/communities that do both this outward and inward facing tzedakah, or (2) politically liberal communities that value a high level of observance and work hard to lower barriers to that observance. As much as I admire the work of the aforementioned Reform communities, I would stand out so badly there as a person who dresses tzniut and is probably sweating from having hoofed it three miles to get there on Shabbos. And on the flipside, as much as I admire the work of the Chabadniks in terms of helping Jews “do Jewish,” it’s very much non-egalitarian and that’s a pretty big line in the sand for me. (Which is to say - I actively do participate in non-egal spaces, but they tend to be the far left-leaning side of Modern Orthodox and are actively engaging groups like JOFA, Eshel, etc.) 

That’s all a lot of words to say: what I’m looking for doesn’t quite exist (at least not where I am), but it could. I’d be looking for a community that was deeply committed to working on issues of poverty and other system issues (environmentalism, eliminating various -isms, etc.) as well as meeting people where they’re at in terms of observance and helping to facilitate and encourage the highest level of observance achievable by that individual. 

[just-like-playing-tag]

Hi, do you have any theories on the reward emma is going to give to the demon god? I'm curious to know your thoughts!

THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION I loved it and hated it at the same time. The thing is, I really don't know? There's only another promise we know about, and the authors let transpire very little about Emma's one, so there's only a few elements to work with! But I'll do my best.

Navigation notes in case you're interested in something in particular: the first half are hypothesis on what the reward may consist in, while the second is what I would personally like the reward to be / the serie to end like / some thoughts about the serie in general.

I reread chapters 141/142, and I think one thing we can fairly assume from Julius' reward is: Scribbles wanted to make him suffer. He wasn't intentioned to physically hurt him (actually, Julius himself is shown thinking he'd be fine with giving his life). The last time Julius talked with his soon to be betrayed human allies, from their conversation it's implied that the thing Julius cares about the most are his citizens and soldiers (which is later made evident by him deciding to sacrifice his comrades for their safety). When waiting to know what the reward will be, he says he's ready for anything, as long as he can return home.

Surprise surprise, that's exactly what Scribbles takes away from him! So, I think we can say Scribbles is likely going to ask from Emma the thing she wants the most for herself (besides the object of the promise itself). But I think there's actually another element to take into consideration from the first promise? In the promise from 1000 years ago, there was also a demons' deputy. From him, Scribbles wanted "the best meat [the demons] harvest each year". Now, I could be wrong, but it doesn't look like a big loss for Yverk, especially when compared with what Julius had to sacrifice (I have actually come up with a theory on why it's that, but since it's pretty peddling to the original question I'm talking about it in another post). Did then Scribbles favor Yverk? (maybe because he's a demon, and Scribbles is the "demons' god"?) If not, does he arbitrary decide how punitive the reward has to be?

According to what Scribbles has told Emma, I think what we can say we know for sure is that:

1. Scribbles reward from Emma is likely to be her dearest thing

2. It's something of hers

3. Since she's back and she's apparently unharmed, it's not something that has effected her immediately (but I'll get to that later)

Next are some things I came up with / I saw going around the fandom that seem to me possible to happen. I made a distinction between rewards that involve sacrificing Emma and rewards that mean sacrificing something material that she has got. I'm excluding the hypothesis of Emma sacrificing someone besides from herself because I don't think that's something Emma would ever do under any circumstances.

Things Scribbles may have asked for include:

Her brain. My personal favourite among the ones that involve Emma sacrificing herself! Her brain, as simple and natural as it sounds. Since Scribbles had before claimed each year's best harvest, it makes sense to me to have a top quality "last meal" since he likely won't be able to consume any human meat anymore.

Her memories. Awful. It wouldn't give Scribbles much payback except from the satisfaction of having made Emma and her friends forever unhappy. I wouldn't like such an ending.

Her freedom. For her to stay in the demon word. Sad. Lonely. Unoriginal. But also pretty impractical? She wouldn't have a utility or symbolic meaning like taking Ratri's freedom did. So what would the point be? Also, even if she stayed behind, since now demons don't need to eat humans anymore she would probably like... Establish at Musica's and grow old there.

Things of hers:

Her necklace???

Honourable mention is that one hypothesis I once read that basically said that since the children had struggled and suffered so much already, Scribbles considered the price being already paid (I don't think it will go this way, but it's still a nice idea I like a lot). (I'm terribly sorry I couldn't find the original post, please send it to me if you know what I'm talking about).

We also have to keep in mind that Emma has already come back from forging the promise, and she looks fine so far, so I'm partial to the sacrifice–something–different–from–herself hypothesis. I know people think her sacrifice may take place after she's done evacuating all the children to the human world, but that sounds pretty odd and unrealistic to me? What is she going to do, say "Demon god I'm done w/ my business you can come eat me now"? That would be pretty awkward lol. Of course Scribbles could have gave her a time limit but... It still sounds weird to me. At the same time, I'm not completely confident with fully excluding it since I know shock value to be a factor of great importance in tpn and shonen series in general, and for Emma to surprisingly, unexpectedly (?) die at the end would be of great impact, even though it's not my preferred ending.

That being said, I don't feel like any of these options will turn out to be the right one? I don't know, but I've always been surprised by Kaiu Shirai and Posuka Demizu storytelling, and I'm fairly sure they will come up with something unexpected and unheard of that I didn't think about before.

Now that I've listed some things I feel like could happen, regarding what I personally think the reward to be: I have no idea! Sorry for being disappointing. But again between knowing about another promise alone, and having so few details on Emma's one, I really don't feel like I can make any assumption. But one thing I can talk about is how I'd like for it to end! That is: anything, but for Emma to sacrifice herself.

There are a lot of reasons why I wouldn't like an ending where another character dies but I'm listing a few I think are the most important ones (notice that I use the concepts of sad ending / Emma sacrificing herself as the same thing here):

Ok firstly and personally what I consider the most important reason: I really don't get what's the point of a sad ending. After everything the children have been through, what would be the sense of making them unhappy / bittersweet at the end? I know people think it differently, but I can't see how such an ending would be good. I think people tend to forget that cynicism doesn't equal to dept of themes. A sad ending wouldn't leave anything in me. I know the serie has recently received some blacklash from its fandom for not being? Sad or deep enough I think? And I mean, that's fine to me if there's people who think it that way! But I personally wouldn't have changed a thing. I don't care if how the children keep going on and preserve their hope is unrealistic, realism has never been something I have looked for in this serie? There's plenty of other "realistic ", cynical series out there, even within fantasy settings. But when I decided to start reading tpn I did it because it was different from anything I had ever seen / read before. Because no matter how cruel the world revealed itself to be to the children, they kept hoping that they will find happiness. Is it irrealistic? Definitely! But I don't care? To follow a story that kept giving hope no matter how dark the world can get is exactly what I needed. To not give up even when you're at the bottom, and you're sunk in an abyss, and nobody's going to help, and it looks like darkness is enwrapping you more every second that passes, and you feel chained to the ground; that you shouldn't give up, that an happy ending will eventually come for you if you fight for it, and the world will eventually become a better place: that's what I needed to hear. And if happiness is not what they achieve at the end, then I will be left very empty, because what would all the fighting have been for? It would destroy the hope theme the serie has been so good to build so far, and that would be very disappointing. I read the story because it can help me see the world for how it could be, in spite of the way that it is. Also check out this post on why sad endings don't necessarily mean deep endings.

Would it make sense for Emma as a character to decide to sacrifice herself? Honestly it would bother me a lot. For a character who has been telling people that death is never an option, that she doesn't believe in no–exit–scenarios, to die sacrificing herself? For me that would be incoherent at best and hypocritical at worst. I don't think that's something Emma would do.

Ok so these where some opinions I'm throwing into the void! It got long,,,, thanks for reading all of it if you had! But also I don't blame you if you didn't lol

[kentthewolf]

4 Things Self-Disciplined People Don’t Do ✋ — Leave These Bad Habits Behind & You Can Achieve Goals Beyond Your Wildest Dreams!

I highly admire fellow self-disciplined individuals. Because what ever their goals might be — from making the Olympics or starting a business or adhering to another eating routine — self-discipline is regularly the special ingredient..

In any case, self-discipline is a misjudged idea, principally in light of the fact that we consider the big picture as a fixed character trait. Yet, this is what the vast majority don't comprehend:

Self-discipline comes from good habits and not genetics. 

As a mentor, I work with individuals attempting to be more disciplined in their lives. In the process, I've seen that it's not for absence of desire or motivation… 

The reason we battle to be more disciplined has nothing to do with lack of morals or faulty genes — it's the bad or lack of good habits meddle with the chances of us being disciplined. 

On the off chance that you need to turn into a more self-disciplined individual, figure out how to distinguish these bad habits and dispose of them. Self-discipline won't be far behind. 

1. Depending on willpower

Individuals with a ton of self-discipline comprehend that willpower is a last resort.

Consider willpower to be the emergency brake in your vehicle — it's ideal to have, yet you would be in great difficulty if you depended on it as the essential method to slow down your vehicle. 

Willpower ought to never be an essential procedure for getting troublesome things done. 

Self-disciplined individuals comprehend that there are unmistakably more effective methods for remaining focused on challenging objectives. For instance, a "unmistakable advantage" some high-discipline individuals exploit is environmental design.

The essential thought is that as opposed to pushing yourself through an objective, it's smarter to design your current environment to be helpful for the objective and pull you through it. 

For instance: 

Suppose you need to study hard for a test. Rather than attempting to "stay focused" learning at home when you're barraged by distractions, from the enormous TV, to your friend texting you about going out for drinks, get together your things, go to a library, leave your phone in the vehicle, and locate a back corner of the of the facility where not many people sit in. 

Better to avoid temptations rather than attempting to oppose them. 

Self-disciplined individuals comprehend that they don't have the willpower that others might suspect they do. What's more, they comprehend that willpower is something delicate that frequently fails us. Subsequently, they don't depend on it and get innovative about alternate approaches to remain focused and committed.

On the off chance that you need to become more disciplined, ask yourself this:

How might I accomplish my objectives in the event that I had zero willpower? 

2. Depending on motivation

Self-disciplined individuals see motivation as additional credit — ideal to have when it appears, yet never expected to be there. 

Feeling motivated to go to the gym, study for a test, or work on that project you’ve been looking forward to is extraordinary. We as a whole love that feeling since it makes it generally simple to do hard things. 

In any case, listen to this: 

Feeling a that thunder of motivation isn't needed to do hard things. 

Individuals often think that if “I'm not feeling it" I can't actually do it or it's not worth attempting. We approach our lives trusting that motivation will strike, however at the same time our dreams, goals, and desires blur further into memory as life appears to cruise us by. 

Self-disciplined individuals don't fall into this snare since they comprehend the real essence between feeling and taking action: 

Action prompts to feeling just as feeling prompts to action. 

What does this mean? the connection among feeling and action is a two-way street: Sure, feeling great causes you do hard things; yet doing hard things causes you to feel better — specifically, it makes you more motivated to do more hard things in the future. 

Self-disciplined individuals are addicted to taking action and the high they get from it, it’s uncanny.

They comprehend that the best way to feel consistently motivated is to build the habit of consistently taking action — regardless of whether it's exceptionally little activities at first. This way the build up momentum into the harder things with a rush that cannot be stopped.

So , yeah! there it is: The secret is that self-disciplined individuals are more motivated than most of us, and not because of luck or good genes. They basically see how to make their own constant flow of motivation by making moves and taking action regardless of how they feel as opposed to keeping an eye out, waiting for the “feeling”. 

Quit waiting for motivation and figure out how to construct your own. 

3. Trusting your emotions

Self-disciplined individuals realize that emotions are not reliable. 

This doesn't mean you shouldn't tune in to your emotions and know about them. Indeed, profoundly disciplined individuals are frequently in contact with their emotions. Be that as it may, they're not controlled by them. 

Self-discipline requires a self-awareness and skepticism of your own emotions.

The critical understanding here is that while emotions frequently communicate to us important intuition, they can just as regularly push us off track. 

At the point when you're climbing through the mountains and your nervousness springs up on the grounds that you hear an abrupt shaking sound, that is most likely something worth being thankful for — your mind's method of rapidly setting you up for the chance of stepping on a poisonous snake! 

Then again, when an email from your supervisor appears in your inbox saying "we need to talk," your nervousness may be yelling at you that something's wrong, however it's totally conceivable that your manager was busy and didn't have the opportunity to create a full message. 

Here's another way to see it: 

Emotions are common sense — your mind's reactions about how you should act, are worth paying attention to, but not to be followed blindly. 

Your relationship with emotions matters for developing self-discipline since how you feel will regularly conflict with your core values: 

Your values might be to work out before anything else, yet your emotions will attempt to persuade you to get an additional 30 minutes of rest. 

Your values might be to adhere to a small serving at every meal, except your emotions will attempt to persuade you to get more calories. 

Your values might be to ask your manager for a much higher raise, yet your emotions will attempt to persuade you that something horrible will occur in the event that you face him/her about it. 

On the off chance that you want to be more self-disciplined, develop a skeptical relationship with your emotions. 

Tune in to your emotions, yet try not to take orders from them. 

4. Worrying over results

Self-disciplined individuals have a skill for remaining focused on effort rather than worrying about results.

The most obvious trait to self-disciplined individuals is that they are very goal oriented. They have numerous objectives, consistently pursue them, and regularly accomplish them — often times to an astonishing degree. 

Here’s the secret: 

Self-disciplined individuals can gain consistent progress toward their objectives because they don't invest a lot of energy contemplating them. 

Instead, self-disciplined individuals maintain their focus on their actions — things they can really do and control. Things that, whenever done consistently after some time, will probably prompt the ideal objective or result. 

To put it another way, self-disciplined individuals understand they cant control the result of their goals, but they can control their efforts:

You can't control whether a novel gets composed. You can control whether you compose 300 words every day during your mid-day break. 

You can't control whether you shed 20 pounds. You can control if you have dessert. 

You can't control the grade you get on a test. You can control how frequently you study. 

Investing a lot of energy pondering your objectives is an distraction from the things you really have control over — your actions 

The best mindset toward results and objectives is to "set it and forget it." 

You need to think of your objectives at first. it's ideal to savor them for some time whenever you've achieved them. Yet, keep your eye off the prize and focus on the little actions you can take at this moment. 

Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t control.

Follow these four tips and you’ll be the person others look up to as you breeze through every single one of your goals. Leaving little to no chance of failure and stress.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

gift giving is my boyfriend's love language. mine is quality time. how do I tell him that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money on me for me to still want to be with him? he's spent a lot on me in the past 3 1/2 years and I want to try and return the favor but I'm on a fixed income, most of my money goes toward bills and the one thing I was counting on spending at least $300 on him in a single day got cancelled this year. (1/2)

This can always be a confounding issue, because if you're two people that really get along, but you don't have very compatible "love languages," then there will be an inherent clash in how both of you are expressing your feelings toward each other. This is 100% one of the biggest problems in my current relationship, and it can seem a bit vexing when it can feel like you're "talking past" your partner just because of different world views.

The first thing you want to do to alleviate some of these issues is to express this. Have a talk about it. Do you two know about each other's love languages? Is he aware that you value quality time, and is he aware that YOU BELIEVE that his method of expressing attention to you is through gift giving? The reason I say "you believe" so emphatically is because, even though I'm trying to help you out right now, I have to assume you're an unreliable narrator. Just because you say something doesn't make it true. That's why you have to take the extra effort just to make sure.

Check in with him if you haven't already. Make sure that he understands what makes you happy in a relationship, and in the same hand, make sure that YOU understand what makes HIM happy. Don't guess; you must know.

But let's assume that you've already had this talk, or that you're going to have this talk the moment you're done reading this. What then?

One thing you can do is express your situation. Reaffirm to him that you care about him very much, but also explain your financial situation. He likely already knows about your money troubles, but it's good to remind him that any perceived lack of gifts that you may be giving him is not a sign that you don't love him, but is rather a sign that you just straight-up don't have enough money. I really want to hammer home on this point here specifically because of something you said.

"I want to try and return the favor."

NO BAD! This is an unhealthy mindset to have, from a financial, adult perspective. While it's definitely nice to "pay back" your partner for gifts that he's given, let's make this perfectly clear: YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO RETURN ANYTHING TO YOUR PARTNER. Let's say you and I are dating. I tend to like to give gifts to my partner; it's fun to make them smile. So I buy you flowers, maybe a video game, take you out to get new clothes, splurge on you. I do this with the only expectation of YOU BEING HAPPY, and MAYBE I'll have a selfish, ulterior motive that you make me happy in return. Not that I said I wished you would "make me happy," and not, "give me gifts." The gifts are not the point; it really is the thought that counts sort of situation. Anyone who gives a gift should not have an expectation for financial repayment; gifts are gifts, and gifts are a charity for fun and to make someone happy. Period. Asking someone to "repay" a gift is like someone donating to a homeless shelter and asking to eventually get paid back - that's just not how it works.

Just as your partner can give you gifts with not expectation of repayment - at least this is the perspective he should have a a mature adult - YOU don't have to give gifts to him if you don't want to or can't afford it. Again, I emphasize, IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE A GIFT, DON'T GIVE IT. If your situation does not allow for frivolous spending, do not spend frivolously. Your stability as a person is much more important than whatever thing you might spend money on.

Okay, but let's assume part of his "love language" is not just him giving gifts, but it also makes him happy to receive them. Again, make sure you're explaining your situation to him so that you can set his expectations properly on what kind of gifts you're actually able to give. For instance, my partner knows I'm broke as shit. I can't give her as many gifts as I would normally like to. So if her birthday is coming up, and I know I can't afford a gift, I'm just gonna tell her: "Sorry, my finances are super tight right now. I can't give you a gift. I'm sorry." I've had to say this to many people, and literally 100% of the time, the other person is like, "dude, don't worry about it." People understand. Money sucks, life sucks, people get it.

OKAY BUT WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER IS JUST REALLY DUMB AND JUST DOESN'T GET IT AND REALLY WANTS GIFTS.

For this, you're on the right track with trying to find cheaper alternatives that are both within your budget and are within his interests. This is just a basic skill of gift-giving, honestly, but one thing you should do is figure out what kind of gifts he actually wants? For instance, just last week, my partner wanted to give me a gift. I'm notoriously difficult to give gifts too, but she knew I wasn't feeling well, and saw a video game sale was going on, and asked me which game I wanted. I told her I didn't want one, and then she insisted on giving me a gift, and asked me to take some money so I could buy myself a nice meal. She knew that would make me happy, and she was right, so I accepted her gift.

Do the same with your partner! "Money is tight right now. I know you like gundams and figures/models. If I found one that fit my budget, would you like that?" This is a valuable question to ask, because the last thing you want to do is buy something, and he just straight up isn't interested in the gift. Ask him what he would enjoy. Maybe he's like me, and would actually really dig a meal. Maybe he's not really wanting to work with a gundam model, and would much rather something else instead. Worst case scenario, he wants some $2000 thing, and you'll just have to say, "Sorry, I really can't afford that, maybe later."

Finally, if you're really insistent on splurging for your partner, SAVE. I tend to be extremely financially conservative, to the point of asceticism and raw austerity; all my money decisions are hyper-practical, and I don't spend a dime I don't have to. My financial logic for big-ticket items, as such, is that if I want something expensive, I need to be able to afford it twice over. I needed to buy a new keyboard recently. The one I wanted was very expensive. So I made sure I had its price doubled in my bank account before buying it, because then I know I didn't really "lose" any money, and I can still afford all my bills. This means you have to be more patient and careful, but if you're already on a strict financial diet at the moment, that should be second nature at this point.

Either way, make sure that whatever you do, you base these conversations about gifts and money on communication with your partner. You both are trying to make each other happy, but love languages are only one method of communication. Your words are the more important one, so make sure you use those words and try to figure out the best common ground that works for all parties involved in your relationship.

[japanessie]

Hi shelly, since you brought mama mori's book. I'm bother by my curiosity on whats in her book like I want to know how its like to be celebrity mom of two rock stars and their childhood stories and that the only book that I can't have 😁 which is frustrating😣. So if you don't mind to spoil even if its just a context..

You can get the book from here at Amazon Japan which is where I bought mine. Amazon is still essentially the world’s biggest online bookstore (^^)I haven’t really read the book. There are 5 chapters total. It will take me ages because I will have to input every Kanji character I don’t know or can’t remember into the Google translate app. I have only gone through the front cover and skimmed* through the Prologue.

* that means reading by ignoring all the Kanji I don’t know which are A LOT XDThe book isn’t about how it feels for her having two rock star sons. It’s about her values and principles as a mother in raising her sons to be the independent men she wanted them to be. Also, it is mainly about her own upbringing from a shy little girl to a successful singer to marriage to divorce to bouncing back from the heartache.

The front cover:

i. It mentions her parenting style as Spartan. You may read on about the history of Sparta where children were basically raised to be warriors (you may google “Sparta child”). She is a strict disciplinarian.ii. She wants her sons to be 「メシが食える男 / meshi ga kueru otoko / a man who can eat」. It means “independent”. Other than “to eat”, 「食える / kueru」 also means “to make a living, to survive”. The phrase is similar to how it’s expressed in my native language Malay. Basically, an independent man will know how to “make a living to feed himself”. Hence, “a man who can eat”.iii. If I’m not mistaken it was her own mother i.e the boys’ grandma who called her 「あんたが鬼のような母親 / anta ga oni no you na haha-oya / you are a demon-like mother」 because she could be overly strict sometimes.

The prologue:

She mentioned that being a mother is her ultimate dream since she was a kid. Being a superstar singer was something that just happened in her life. In other words, we can say that having the boys is her greatest joy and that she never regretted leaving her career for full-time motherhood. She also mentioned that she may not be perfect or correct all the time but she just wanted to share her triumphs and failures in raising them, hoping that she had done the best.

The highlights:

I had stated that I haven’t really read the book. So, I’m going to just list out some of the things in it that were highlighted when Mama Mori went on TV to promote it.

i. She called the boys by their birth order numbers. Taka is １番 / No.1, Tomo is ２番 / No.2 and Hiro ３番 / No.3.

ii. When Tomo came along, Taka started acting like a baby in order to get the same attention his little brother was getting. Cheeky XD

iii. When any of the boys misbehaved, she would make him sit and hear her lecture for at least ½ hr. I have this feeling that Taka is at the top of the list XD

iv. She’s very strict about table manners. The eldest would get the chopsticks first. They must use their right hands to eat. Tomo was a leftie child and she would tie his left hand to the chair to make him use his right hand. Anyone who didn’t finish his meal would not get the next meal.

v. She came back to her solo singing career partly because she needed to be financially independent again but also because her 3 sons encouraged her by saying “Mama, I would love to hear your song”. This one was on Yahoo e-news too which is where I originally read it.

vi. Her now legendary “younger child must speak to the older child using honourific language” (^^).

So, those are more or less what the book talks about. 

What people have been saying in reviews

At least on the Amazon.jp reviews. Many gave it a 1-star. I feel that they were questioning her parenting style which may appear like mental torture to some and were judging her claim based on her sons’ behaviour and messages in their lyrics. Taka’s rebellious years and quitting school. Then, Hiro questioning “what is love and family” at the Budokan. Would those two get to the points they are today if it wasn’t for their inborn talents instead of her parenting method?

My two cents

I felt kind of like wading through the reviews of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. Honestly, I feel like these people don’t really look at the bigger picture. Mama Mori’s sons obviously adore her. Taka never said anything about her disciplinarian way. All he ever said was always, “my mom is so kind and gentle”. It was his dad whom he called strict. Taka didn’t enjoy school because he was not an academically inclined person. Hiro felt unloved because of the divorce where he saw everyone walk away and not because Mama made him the bottom of the family hierarchy. He misses their life together everyday of his life in fact. Mama would always try her best to grant her sons’ bento wishes. I remember watching a video of her showing rice balls decorated like soccer balls because her sons asked her to. Maybe her love and care far outweighed her “spartan” way.

I encourage any OOR or MFS fans who want to learn Japanese to buy the book as a side motivation to learn the language.

Meanwhile, I will take my own sweet time with it. Even if it takes me 5 years to finish XD

[monochromatic-stardust]

THIS! All of this!!!!! I don't see enough of this!!!

My parents were damn good about food and our relationships to it, to the point where it took me YEARS longer than my peers to associate the word "diet" to some (often fad-like or not wholly scientifically/medically sound) restrictive way of eating rather than just... you know, your diet, as in the foods you eat?

I had a nutritionist and dietitian for a little while a couple of times in my life, and every time it's happened they all have basically told me that BECAUSE I was raised with such a healthy relationship with food (added bonus being years in dance so I KNOW my body and what it needs) that if I had a craving, listen to it. Everything came down to eating what your body asked for, but always portion concious/control and moderation.

Unless you're doing some activity that's either very intensive or that's extended over long periods of time in a day (or are like little me who had an intensely fast, very high metabolism rate naturally who also did ballet, so after a class or particularly a dress rehearsal, 9 year old me at like 50lbs could put away a large Double Quarter Pounder w/Cheese meal plus 2 apple pies and MAYBE a little more because yeah, I actually DID need those calories, though mom tried to get me home to a home cooked meal as often as she could, if I was STARVING, she wasn't gonna make me wait to eat) that is burning a bajillion calories because you're a friggin' gymnast or martial artist or whatever, you probably don't NEED to eat an American restaurant plate sized portion (most of which are ACTUALLY designed to make sure you have left overs....) when you crave something.

My momma made sure to introduce us to a wide variety of foods when we were very young (think baby food age young) so that we would be open minded about eating (and always ENCOURAGED, but never forced, us to embrace "The Try Three Times" principle, which was to say that if we tried something and didn't enjoy it, to be willing to try it two more times over the years to adulthood, as tastes change with age etc, before we finalized the idea that we didn't like something), but she basically let us eat what we asked for as little ones because a child with no taught food biases, or "forbidden" foods, is going to seek what they're craving, and cravings in a healthy person are simply our bodies telling us what we need nutritionally.

There weren't really "taboo" foods or things that were terribly restricted for us, other than for allergy/cost reasons, and while we never had to clean our plates, eat veggies first, eat something we didn't want to/didn't like, we were also raised with ideas like "if you don't like X ingredient in a dish, it's otherwise enjoyable, and it's reasonable to do so... pick it out/off," but if it wasn't viable, we could make ramen, cereal, etc instead without issue.

I'm not going to say this is the PERFECT or the ONLY or THE RIGHT WAY to raise kids, but food is food. There isn't anything inherently "good" or "bad" about natural foods. Unless you're allergic or have a health issue that requires you to avoid foods, there's no reason to teach children that food has a moral value. It doesn't. Let them enjoy their lives without feeling guilty for doing something essential for living.

my approach to teaching my 3 year old to have a healthy relationship with food

preface: i experienced a lot of food restriction, food moralism and food insecurity as a child, and i believe that these factors led to my development of an eating disorder (orthorexia), which i am still recovering from. i am saying all of these things as a parent who wants to innoculate my child against the food moralism that i suffered.

what i do:

i don’t ever force her to eat anything. i will try to persuade her to try something, or to eat more of a thing she knows she likes, but if she still won’t eat the thing, i don’t push it. parenting involves a lot of choosing your battles, and it’s more important to me that she feels respected by me than that she has another bite of a carrot at that particular moment.

we don’t tell her “eat your veggies first” because we don’t want to present eating vegetables as a chore. she likes a lot of vegetables already, and there’s no need to set them apart from other food. we give her a multivitamin to make sure she gets enough vitamins and minerals

we’ve never treated candy or chips or any food as a special reward that she has to earn. if she can have it whenever she wants, then it doesn’t take on any kind of enticing sense of “this is forbidden.” and if she wants to eat an amount of candy that might make her sick, we tell her “i don’t think it’s a good idea to have any more right now because you might get a tummy ache.” and she trusts our judgment.

we will sometimes make small snack trays that have crackers, cheese, raw vegetables and sliced deli meat, and she’ll munch on them. we teach her that she needs to consume carbohydrates, protein and fat to take care of her body, and if she’s been eating exclusively carbs, we remind her that she should eat something with protein and fat, like cheese or peanut butter.

if she doesn’t like a food, we don’t make her eat it. we might ask “do you want to try it again” but we respect her “no.” if she doesn’t like the dinner we made, we’ll let her eat cereal or a sandwich (or something else quick to prepare). because we don’t want her to associate dinner time with conflict. she’s much more willing to try new foods if we don’t pressure her or make it a big deal.

we don’t describe any foods as good or bad for her, because we don’t ever want her to feel guilty for eating. we teach her about the comparative nutritional value of foods without judgment. since we’re not disallowing her from eating any particular foods, she won’t have a drive to eat tons of forbidden “"bad”“ food when she’s older and we’re not present.

[ti-bacio]

Hi beautiful Chels, I was wondering if you could help me? I'm trying to recover from my ed & really committed this time for the first time ever. I'm really struggling with gaining weight & eating enough. I try to eat 2000 cal a day but usually don't even make it to that (I've seen dieticians before). I need to gain at least 8-10kg to a healthy weight😰 I was wondering if you could share how you fit in enough food & what a typical day of eating was like for you in recovery? It means the world❤️

Hello lovely, 

I can try my best but as you know every individual recovery journey is different. I’m glad your attitude has changed though, that’s the biggest struggle I think, is being committed. 

It’s hard, don’t get me wrong. You’ve put your body through a lot and it isn’t going to happen in a day. It took me about a year to get back to a healthy weight. 

First of all, 2000 is not enough for recovery. It is recommended to eat upwards of 3000 a day. In the final parts of my recovery, because my metabolism was in over-drive, I was probably eating 4000-5000. 

But of course, after you’ve been restricting for a while, your stomach will have shrunk and you will not be used to the feeling of fullness, and your metabolism will not be functioning optimally. So it’s going to take some time to get used to that amount of food. 

I would start aiming for 2000 a day, minimum. Make it easier for yourself by eating: calorie dense foods (no more diet products, no more low calorie products and keep the lower calorie naturally foods to a minimum i.e. for fruit focus on things like bananas, mangoes etc. which have more energy in them then say, berries. That way you will get the same fullness but for greater calorie value. Make your meals as dense as you can, without them having to be bloody MASSIVE. And snack/ desserts are a great way to make things happen easier for you too. I used to snack, drink nutritional supplement drinks and have dessert every day between my 3 meals.)

I can’t give you an exact meal plan, but it was structure like breakfast, lunch, dinner, 2 snacks, 2 nutritional drinks and dessert after dinner. Breakfast started of pretty average sized, but in the end it was something like a bowl of cereal with a banana and soy milk, 2 or 3 times toast with PB, a glass of orange juice. I added things to a basic meal (like a bowl of cereal and the glass of juice) over time, like one piece of toast at first, then 2, then maybe 3. That’s how I progressed in my recovery, by adding pieces when I could until I was reaching amounts I could handle or that I needed. 

Also I recommend that if you are exercising to stop, it makes the whole process a lot harder and also is an added stress on your body right now you don’t need, it is already under so much pressure and needs a break and to focus on healing right now. 

Get as much sleep as you can, drink your fluids, don’t talk yourself out of this, and please see a specialist (psychologist, dietician etc.) not a day later than needed. In fact, even if you don’t feel you need them, it’s something helpful for your journey anyway if you can afford that kind of care. I really benefited from it. 

It’s important because your body is different from mine and anyone else’s so I don’t want you necessarily following someone else’s own recovery’s personal advice. Because what you need will be different to me. You have suffered differently and that’s important to recognise. 

Big love darling xxx

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

My girlfriend and I are squeamish about physical affection so I'm trynna come up with different ways to express emotional affection. I asked her if she knew any and she didn't. Any ideas?

I will state outright that I tend to be a largely physical person, so I'm approaching this question with bias. So if you read what I say here and you're just like, MEH DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE CHIEF, that's probably the reason. Take these answers with a grain of salt.

Really though, the ways you need to appropriate your affection emotionally needs two things. 1) It needs to be agreed upon as affection, and 2) it needs to be appreciated.

To the first point, you both have to accept it as affection. Affection means different things to different people, and as you both agree that touching each other is not ideal modes of affection, you also have to confirm whether the thing you're doing emotionally for them is affectionate. For instance, one method I'll mention is gift-giving. For instance, let's say you want to surprise them to show them affection. That's great... if they like surprises. I, myself, hate surprises. If you plan me a beautiful candle-lit dinner, but don't tell me about it beforehand, then you're literally just muddling my perfectly coordinated plans that I spent a week prepping for; no matter how nice it was for you to do that thing, I just will be unhappy because my plans were messed up and now I have to work around YOUR surprise to make sure the things I want to do can actually get done. Make sure that anything you'd like to do as affection is actually appreciated before you just start forcing it on someone else.

Secondly, it needs to be appreciated. This is similar to the first point, but with a slight nuance. Another nice example of emotional affection is a gift. Gifts work great. But there is so much variety for gifts. For me, I don't care for gifts too much. I'm not against them, but I really need to WANT the gift, or else I will feel like it was wasteful. For instance, if you buy me something you know I've been talking about and pining about for months, I'll be so appreciated. But if you're just like, "Yo, I bought this random book at the bookstore, because I thought of you," I'll just assume you wasted your money and will actually feel a little guilty that I have to accept this thing that has no value to me.

So just make sure you're confirming those two points with your partner before you actually gift those types of affection. Talk with them, and try to decide what actions make them feel all mushy inside, and if it doesn't dingle any of their dangles, then try something else. Now, onto the main event.

Pet names - Honey, sweety, baby, darling, etc. Make pet names for each other! Simple and effective.

Acts of appreciation - Wish them good morning or good night. Tell them they did a good job on that thing they worked hard on. Tell them you make them happy. Tell them you're glad you can spend time with them. Little turns of phrase that are true to boost their mood.

Acts of romance - "I love you." "You're perfect." "You fulfill me." Doesn't matter what the line is, just express your passion and romance to them. Every relationship is different, but do what works for you.*

Gifts - Get them a neat thing! Depends on what they like, but it can be anything. Flowers, candy, a thicc cheeseburger, a dope video game... doesn't matter! Get them something they like!

Unplanned Surprises - Be sneaky and spontaneous. Do things that'll throw them for a loop. Invite them to the park for no reason other than to enjoy their company, go out to see a movie at the theatres, go out on the town and walk or drive around with no destination, cook them a meal without telling them, plan a scavenger hunt.

Date Night - Basically, dates. It doesn't have to be more creative than that. Just play it up for fun! "I really want to take you out on the town. Let's get all dressed up fancy to do something fun." Make it a show! Dinner and a movie where you wear your nicest clothes. Romantic walk in nature. Out to a swanky café or bar. Whatever suits your needs.

Long-distance Date Night - Wanna have the same as above, but live far apart? Doesn't matter! Have a fancy date-night, where you dress up super cute, and then spend some time in a call together. Show off your smexy outfits, share a nice meal together, and then sync up a movie and watch it together, all from the comfort of your nearest couch, floor, or bed!

Sexy Pics - This is kinda self-explanatory. But if you're into each other, show off all you want! Get as lewd or nude as you feel comfy with.

Share Experiences - Do something completely out of the ordinary. Similar to surprises, but more organized. Go skydiving together, go scuba diving together. Maybe rock-climbing or hiking a mountain. Go to a concert or go camping together! This really depends on where you live and what amenities are around. But the point is to share moments that can't be recreated.

Share Interests - We all have things we like. Share them! Get your partner and watch your favourite movie. Then watch theirs! Read the same book together, play a multiplayer video game together, make music playlists for one-another and listen to them together... the options here are kind of limitless.

Share Hobbies - Work on something together. Paint a painting together, learn a language together, go to the gym and work out together, cook and then clean together. Again, kinda limitless.

There are so many other ways to show, but these are some super simple and straight-forward ways to share your affection for and with your partner. And if you're smart, most of this can be free or ultra cheap, so it doesn't bother your finances at all. But remember, it all depends on what they want and like, and same for you! Have a nice talk about the things you'd like to do and share with each other from this list, and then have fun!