#I'm all about introspection and emotional damage now

[isak-dot-gov]

Lie to Girls

Pairing: Paige Bueckers x Singer!reader

Word count: 1133

My masterlist :)

......................................

Paige sat alone in her dorm room, staring at the ceiling. She had just gotten off a video call with you, and the conversation had been... strained, to say the least. You were on the other side of the country, promoting your new album, Short n' Sweet. It was supposed to be a celebratory time for both of you, but instead, the distance between you felt more like an emotional chasm than a physical one.

Paige knew she had messed up. She had kept secrets from you, told white lies that grew into something much bigger and more hurtful. She didn’t mean to deceive you, but one small lie led to another until she was caught in a web of her own making. She hadn't realised the extent of the damage until now, when it seemed like your trust in her was crumbling.

A knock at her door pulled her out of her thoughts. “Paige, you coming to the common room?” Nika poked her head in, offering a small smile. “We’re gonna listen to Y/N’s new album together.”

Paige hesitated, feeling a pang of guilt. She hadn’t even listened to the album yet—too afraid of what she might hear. She knew you wrote from the heart, and if there was anything about your recent rough patch, she didn’t know if she could handle it.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” she finally replied, getting up. Maybe listening with her teammates would make it easier.

When she arrived at the common room, the rest of the UCONN women’s basketball team was already there, sprawled out on couches and chairs. The speakers were hooked up, and someone had pulled up your album on their phone. As the opening track started playing, the room filled with your voice, warm and familiar. It was like you were there with them.

The first few songs were upbeat, celebrating love, friendship, and life’s little joys. Paige smiled sadly, remembering when you wrote those songs, how excited you had been to share them with her. She had been so proud of you, so in love. And she still was, even if she had been too foolish to show it lately.

But as the album progressed, the tone shifted. The songs became more introspective, more raw. Paige could feel the tension in the room grow as everyone sensed the change. Then, the soft guitar intro of the second last track, "Lie to Girls," began to play, and Paige’s heart clenched.

Your voice came through the speakers, softer than usual, almost fragile:

Don’t swear on your mom

That it’s the first drink that you’ve had in like a month

No, don’t say it was just

An isolated incident that happened once

Paige’s breath hitched. She could feel the weight of your words like a punch to the gut. She knew this was about her, about the lies she had told to keep things easy, to avoid conflict. But now, hearing the pain in your voice, she realised just how deeply she had hurt you.

The song continued, each line a dagger twisting in Paige’s heart:

There’s no need to pretend

I’ve never seen an ugly truth that I can’t bend

To something that looks better

I’m stupid, but I'm clever

Yeah, I can make a shitshow look a whole lot like forever and ever

Paige swallowed hard, tears pricking at her eyes. She glanced around the room, noticing the sombre expressions on her teammates’ faces. They knew, too. They knew what this was about.

You don't have to lie to girl

If they like you they’ll just lie to themselves

Like you, they’ll just lie to themselves

You don't have to lie to girls

If they like you, they’ll just lie to themselves 

Don’t I know it better than anyone else?

The chorus hit, and Paige felt a tear slip down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, trying to keep her composure. She remembered all the times you had asked her if something was wrong, all the times she had brushed it off or made excuses. She had thought she was protecting you, but she had only been protecting herself.

All of your best excuses

No, they don’t stand a chance

Against all the chances I give you

Isn’t ideal, but damn

You don’t even have to try

Turn you into a good *girl* 

You don’t have to lift a finger 

It’s lucky for you I’m just like 

My mother (And my sisters)

All my (All my friends)

The girl outside the strip club getting her tarot cards read

We love to read the cold, hard facts and swear they’re incorrect

We love to mistake butterflies for cardiac arrest

Paige couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She covered her face with her hands, sobs shaking her shoulders. She felt Azzi’s arm wrap around her, pulling her into a comforting hug. “It’s okay, Paige,” Azzi whispered, but Paige shook her head.

“It’s not okay,” Paige choked out between sobs. “I lied to her. I lied to her, and now… now she’s hurting, and it’s all my fault.”

Aaliyah reached out, squeezing Paige’s hand. “Paige, we all make mistakes. But you have to own up to them. You have to show her you’re willing to change.”

Paige nodded, trying to steady her breathing. The song was still playing, your voice breaking as you sang the final lines:

Girls will cry and girls will lie and (Ooh)

Girls will lose their goddamn minds for you (Oh)

They’ll cry and girls will lie and 

Do it ‘til the day they die for you

The song ended, and the room was silent, the weight of your words hanging in the air. Paige knew she couldn’t let things stay like this. She had to make it right. She had to find a way to earn back your trust, to show you that she was willing to be honest, no matter how hard it was.

“I need to talk to her,” Paige said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. “I need to tell her everything.”

The team nodded in agreement, offering murmurs of support. They knew how much you meant to Paige, and they wanted to see her make things right.

Paige stood up, wiping her eyes. She didn’t know if you would forgive her, didn’t know if she could fix what she had broken. But she had to try. She couldn’t let you go without a fight.

As she left the room, Paige replayed your song in her mind, your voice echoing in her ears. She had a lot to make up for, but she was determined to start now. She had lied to you, but she wouldn’t lie to herself anymore. She loved you, and she was ready to do whatever it took to prove it.

...........................................................

Isak speaks: Some people are gonna hate me for leaving this on a cliffhanger so I'll get the apology video ready lol. Also I promise I'll post a part two. Can I guarantee It'll be out extremely soon? No, not really(sorry again), but I will try so that's gotta count for something, right? This song has also been stuck in my head all day hence why I came up with this

[doumadono]

DOUMA LEARNING ABOUT HUMAN EMOTIONS

MASTERLIST

At first, Douma is skeptical about the idea of human feelings. He sees emotions as a weakness and doesn't understand why anyone would want to experience them!

However, as his significant other patiently explains the nuances of human emotions to him, Douma starts to become more interested in the concept. He begins to see that there is more to life than just killing and causing chaos.

Douma's significant other teaches him about love, empathy, and compassion. They show him that these emotions can be just as powerful as fear and anger, and Douma is surprised he didn't understand that earlier.

As Douma starts to experience human emotions for himself from time to time, he becomes more introspective. He begins to question his own motives and decisions, wondering if there is more to life than just fulfilling his own desires.

Douma's significant other becomes his confidante as he learns about human emotions. He turns to them when he's feeling lost or confused, and they help him work through his feelings, even though it's hard sometimes because Douma doesn't know how to differentiate between the emotions, and he's unable to describe what he's feeling.

Although Douma still enjoys causing chaos and destruction, he starts to develop a moral code. He becomes more selective about who he targets, and he tries to minimize collateral damage whenever possible ("you know, love, I've been thinking... I made a decision! From now on, I'll eat half as much women as I used to. It's not only called mercy, but first and foremost it's about compassion. I'm full of compassion lately, isn't it lovely?")

Douma becomes fascinated by the concept of love and begins to study it. He reads books, and observes people in love to try and understand what it means. As he learns more about love, Douma starts to feel it for himself. At first, he's not sure what to do with these feelings, but he's drawn to them nonetheless.

As Douma's understanding of love grows stronger, he becomes more protective of his significant other. He would do anything to keep them safe and happy ("my dear, I just felt something! It's so strange! The warmness within my chest, it's overwhelming. Fascinating! Is this what you call love?")

Douma quickly becomes curious about fear and starts to experiment with it. He tries to scare people and observe their reactions to see what happens. As he becomes more adept at scaring people, Douma starts to understand the feeling of fear himself. He realizes that it's not just about being scared, but about feeling powerless and vulnerable.

As he learns more about jealousy, Douma starts to see the ways in which it can be used as a tool. He starts to use jealousy to manipulate and control others, making them do his bidding. Despite his growing understanding of this strange feeling, Douma is still largely emotionless. He doesn't feel jealousy himself, and he doesn't feel empathy for those who do. Or maybe he does? ("My love, where are you going? Will there be other men there, hmm? You know I'm not fond of letting you go alone, you pretty, little thing. You're too precious to me, my petal.")

Douma's pursuit of happiness starts to become a problem as he becomes more and more obsessed with it. He starts to prioritize his own happiness above all else, even if it means hurting others ("Oh, no, my little pet, I'm not vicious! It's called treating yourself well and taking care of your happiness! I treated myself with just two more women, and I've never felt any better! Oh, how happy and satisfied I am!")

Overall, Douma's journey towards understanding human feelings leads him to become a more well-rounded and ultimately dangerous being for he knows how to act and what to do to touch what's invisible yet the most important for humans - their emotions.

[e-tankx]

Question for Anyone who might know how to explain it?

So, a friend of mine has hyperfixated hard on the Danny Phantom fandom, and one of the things she really digs is the weird inhumanity of the concept that the fandom has delved into. This is something I'm not inherently against, but the idea of 'obsessions' where you literally have to do a thing or else it causes actual physical damage to you, kind of IMO leans too hard towards the concept that the Always Wrong(tm) parents have of ghosts being mindless echos of something else, and kind of . . .Depersons them?

"This person died, but because they were just so into X they stuck around, and now their obsession is X." "Alright that sounds cool, now how would they change and grow as people?" "They wouldn't because their obsession is X and will always be X, and can never not be X otherwise it causes them actual physical pain and potentially will kill them." It also kind of ruins the whole 'self sacrificing' angle of Danny potentially giving up his dreams of being able to do anything else *but* guard Amity Park from danger. "Well if he doesn't do it anyway he's going to literally die so there's not really a choice in the matter." Not really self sacrificing when you put it that way. The other things that bug me about it, is that it seems too. . .neat and tidy? Like, we already know *fuck all* about the human brain as it is. Psychology is a shot in the dark and based around general vibes with patterns that seem to be common in humanity. Why would it suddenly become less complicated if you're dealing with emotions that are no longer tied to chemicals in the brain and are instead spread over the entirety of your being? //TANGENT WARNING// If I was the one originally putting down the concept of 'obsessions', it'd be something early ghosts, or ghosts that lack maturity/introspection/self awareness deal with because yes, in order to stick around after death you probably *would* have to have something to latch onto, at least in the moment. Younger ghosts cling to said obsession because they haven't actually self actualized, the whole I think therefore I am. There's also that whole feeling of self preservation because "this is what I held onto and what kept me going even when the rest of me didn't, so if I don't hold onto it with literally *everything* I may just die." that kind of drives them instinctually until they manage to grow beyond that. As the ghosts mature (emotionally anyway) their obsessions would be less and less important. They might still enjoy things about it, it was an obsession for a reason after all, they may even still fulfill it to some extent, but it's less a *must do* and more of an 'I like this, but it is not an all consuming need that without fulfilling I will literally die'. This would also work to explain how and why the Fentons think this is the truth without making them the worst scientists imaginable. Most ghosts that want to cause a fuss/fight/whatever are likely less self actualized/younger and therefore are more likely to cling to said obsession. A ghost mature enough to not cling to said obsession is much less likely to actually make themselves known to living people. Therefore they'd lack actual examples that could throw a wrench into their theories and force them to re-examine their research. //TANGENT OVER// but, it's entirely possible that I'm just. .. misunderstanding, or am an idiot. Hence why I'm shoving this question into a metaphorical bottle and yeeting it into the stormy seas that is the internet.

[saphig-iawn]

Day 6 of Turning me into Me

CW: homophobia, mention of suicide

Today was good. With how I feel, you wouldn't have thought that I came out to my parents yesterday but I just feel... not nothing, but not an absence either. Just a neutral feeling, and I think it shows the damage they did to me when I first came out. With every person I've come out to so far, I've left that conversation with such feelings of elation and relief. But I'm just, whelmed.

Anyway, onto today. A friend wanted me to go and visit them because they had news. I know, I panicked too, but their news was both positive and scary. They were beginning to enter a whole stage of their life that they couldn't have predicted would happen, they opened up about so much and then they came out to me. I was so proud of them, and not just in a "heeey congrats on the gender and sexuality" but more in that they felt that they could be themselves to me. It is so hard but so rewarding to be able to be introspective and honest with yourself, but then tell someone... I gave them such a huge hug, and I wanted to tell them how proud I was of them.

But growing up I was made to feel that emotion and support weren't things that a "man" did. There was no room for vulnerability. It didn't help that my parents kept calling me a sensitive kid, both positively and negatively. I was "sensitive" because I cared about someone, I was "sensitive" because I cried when I got shouted at for something that wasn't my fault. Eventually my parents called me a good kid who followed the rules, but all that meant was that I could tell each parent apart by their footsteps, or where they were in the house by the sound of shutting door. I learned how to avoid conflict. Then comes high school, and in a working class all-boys school, oh boy did my instincts have to work double-time. Any non conformity was weaponised, any vulnerablility became a target. The moment you acted like a human to anyone it was met with shouts of "Eeerrgh are you gay?" "Are you batty?" "Gaylord!". I couldn't show my friends that I loved them. I couldn't show excitement for my interests. I couldn't even show pride in accomplishment. Standing out meant placing a target on you. The school was complicit. "Oh lets get you boys in here together and talk it out." Mediation meant nothing in that school but the promise of future violence. There are kids from that school who are no longer with us because of that place.

I'm so glad I started to transition when I did because I learned to love. I learned to praise. I learned to share. I used to bottle so much up, but now I squee at cute clothes with friends. I shoulder their burdens with love. I listen when no others will.

I do all of this because no one was there for me when I needed it, and no one should go through any part of life alone.

[amethystina]

Hello <3

Can I ask u to talk about "how to build a family for dummies?" That sounds really cute (*^^*)

Hi there! 💜

Unfortunately, it's not very cute at all x'D

Or, well, that's not entirely true. It would end happily because that's the only way I want my stories to end, but it deals with pretty heavy subjects and there would be quite a lot of angst involved. Which, admittedly, is why I'm still not entirely sure if I want to write this one since angst isn't really my thing. BUT it also has a lot of fascinating introspection from Yo Han so that might end up being what tips the scale.

Basically, it's a fic that goes deeper into what I wrote in this earlier ask about how Yo Han would need a lot of time to figure out whether or not he wants kids. After all, there's a lot to work through what with his own childhood and how he perceives himself as something not quite human. And, I mean, how fascinating wouldn't that be? To watch him try to think his way through a decision like that?

Anyhow. I wrote in the tags to that post that I don't even want to IMAGINE how painful it would be if Ga On was led to believe that Yo Han doesn't want kids because he'd be so heartbroken and disappointed — since Ga On definitely wants kids — but also wouldn't want to pressure Yo Han. So he'd just swallow it down and pretend that everything was fine. Except it's clearly not.

And I was foolish enough to say "I refuse to even entertain the idea" because, as we all know: famous last words.

Because I started wondering just what that would do to Yo Han. Like, what would he think and feel when he realises that he accidentally broke Ga On's heart and now has to figure out if he actually wants kids after all. Because he knows that just saying he's changed his mind won't work since Ga On wouldn't want Yo Han to lie to him about something like that. Yo Han would have to mean it and that would only increase the stakes in his mind.

Also, imagine Yo Han's brain running on overdrive trying to analyse every little thing Ga On does, wanting to figure out if he's made irreparable damage to their relationship. Like, he'd try to see if Ga On's smiles have become less bright, if his hugs have become less enthusiastic, if he's become more guarded, if he's become more distracted etc. etc.

It would be such a goddamn mess inside Yo Han's head.

Basically, what I find fascinating about this fic would be Yo Han's thought process and how he tries to deal with all the emotions and complications the situation causes. But it would also hurt because Ga On would be sad and if Ga On is sad, Yo Han is sad. Everyone would be sad.

But it would also include this hilarious exchange between Yo Han and Elijah, once Yo Han is beginning to get used to the idea of getting kids and has to see how Elijah would react to it.

Sooo yeah. I'm still on the fence about this one, I will admit, but it would be a pretty nice change of pace since it would basically be more of a stream-of-consciousness thing from Yo Han's POV rather than something plot-heavy. So we'll see!

Maybe I'll write it, maybe I won't.

WIP Tag Game

[bardic-inspo]

I’m equally intrigued in you WIPs “Dhampir Dreams” and “Memory Games” 👀✨

Thank you so much for this! 💜😊

[WIP List Ask Game]

Dhampir Dreams started as a sort of poemy stream-of-consciousness thing about Astarion being horny and thinking about how Tav's body would change if/when he got her pregnant. But because of who I am as a person, it now has a heavy helping of angst at the beginning and has turned into more of an introspective Astarion character study. I wanted to explore his thoughts on creating unlife (a vampire) vs. a new life with his love:

Astarion’s never wanted to make another vampire. In the rare moments the notion occurred to him, he shoved it to the far back shelf of his mind so as not to waste himself on an exercise in futility. What did it matter, after all, while Cazador still breathed? Still. Nothing spurs needless yearning like a choice you’re not allowed to make. More than anything, Astarion yearned to see Cazador’s blood pour. In his mind’s eye, he’d watch it pool across the floor, not unlike the way he'd seen so much clothing puddled at so many heels. The lake he’d make of Cazador would be wide enough to swallow the garments of all who’d stripped bare before him. Every sweat-soaked night Astarion found himself bound to another moldering mattress beneath someone else’s weight, rocking through the motions that left his stomach sour, he’d fill his mind with such sweet dreams as Cazador’s death. Whether Cazador would allow Astarion to drink his blood before being relieved of it varied with the fantasy. The dream changed as often as the hands on Astarion’s hips. It mattered little to him, whether Cazador’s end came with true vampirism or not. As long as he ended. 

Memory Games is a multichapter WIP featuring Ascended Astarion and Vampire Bride Tav. They're having a happy time being an evil power couple together. All of that is upended when Tav is targeted by a Modify Memory spell, resetting her memories back to pre-tadpole, before she even met Astarion. Astarion has to re-romance his spouse, explain their vampirism to her in a way that doesn't deal massive psychic damage to them both (they have a telepathic/emotional link as bride/sire), and get to the bottom of who's behind the attack.

I'm mostly in the outlining phase, but I've previewed some bits of this here and over here. Here's some random dialogue dwelling in my notes:

“You were testing my reaction,” she says, shame sinking in her gut with the rise of heat to her cheeks. “No, darling,” Astarion laughs breezily, batting her accusation away as if it were a harmless fly. “but I can’t deny I am truly delighting in it.” “You did this on purpose!” “Oh please,” Astarion sighs. “Pay me just one scrap of faith, won’t you?” “I don’t know you,” Naomi hisses. “But you want to,” he purrs, drawing another step closer while Naomi falls another back. “You want to know what it would be like. To be mine. Sweet thing, you already are. Just say the word and--” Sharpness sinks into Naomi’s palm. The glass shatters in her chokehold, crystal shards pattering across the toes of her shoes.

Astarion’s smirk only swells, the points of his fangs peering past his lips. His gaze grows heady, his whisper reverent. “Mm, Our bond may be muted, my love, but I can read every delectable crime of passion written clear as day on your face.” He leans near enough, Naomi feels the breath he doesn’t need to take tickle her ear. Cool fingers come to tuck her hair behind it. She downs a shiver with a hard swallow.  “Just remember,” he rasps, “it’s your choice to sleep alone.”

Her stomach swoops and settles around a hollow, vacant kind of ache as he leans away and leaves without another word.

[bestfriend491]

Introspection | Part 2 of 2

A Former Red Room Assassin Story

Nakia x Female Reader

Summary: Now that you're free, Nakia helps you do some introspection while doing some of her own. You start to heal and your feelings become clear.

Author's Note: I've split this into 3 sections so we can digest it better. 🫣 I highly suggest rereading Introspection Part 1 so your memory is fresh when you read this. I really hope that you enjoy this one. 🥹

Word Count : 12.5 k (this was supposed to be the shorter one 😭)

Tags: @izrinmabel1, @ashleyrosetto , @mybonafidefeelings, @phantomnmsblog, @iinkonde, @como731, @hi-to-all,

Healing, Comfort, Hurt, Angst. Soft

Warnings: Mentions of past violence, trauma processing, mature sometimes

INTROSPECTION- the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes. 

Section 1: I'm home and everything is worse now

{ BREAKING NEWS: A previously alleged dead Wakandan woman was spotted being brought back into Wakanda over 20 years after her ‘proclaimed death’:  King briefs the nation. }

Your hands tightly gripped the edges of the soft bed that you sat on as you looked up at the TV screen. It was the only form of entertainment that you had in the room that you’d been staying in for the past 2 days. 

Ironically your news story was the one thing playing when you’d woken up from sleeping.

You watched a reporter sitting at a table with T’Challa for a briefing on the ‘breaking news’ that had swept the nation by storm only hours before. 

It was more for damage control: T’Challa had told you. Just a short interview to keep the journalists waiting for information on the situation away from the palace. Away from you.  

You were assured that details on your past weren't going to be mentioned in it. Or at least, not for the night. 

“King T’Challa. Earlier today information leaked about you and the Wardog Nakia returning home from Italy, with a Wakandan woman that was declared deceased over 2 decades ago. Are these allegations true, and if so, what can you tell us about this story? " The presenter opened the floor for T’Challa, the King, to speak.

“I can’t give you too much information regarding details on this case, “ he emphasised, “But I can confirm that some parts of the reports are true.” 

“Which parts?” 

“We did go to Italy to investigate a possible missing person's case.” 

“And what did you find?”

“We found a woman - a friend - that we thought we lost many years ago. She has grown up and is very much not dead.” 

“Was it Y/n L/n?” your breathing hitched at the mention of your name. 

“I’m not going to confirm that it is. That would compromise the confidentiality of the people in the case.” T’Challa tried to clarify.

“With all due respect, my King. There aren't many other ‘friends’ that you have who died around that time. Are there?” 

‘Here it goes’ you thought. 

They knew already. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? 

You hadn’t been promised that your identity would remain anonymous.

And if they knew that, then it was only a matter of time before they found out everything. Who you worked for. What you’d spent your time doing over the last  23 years. Who you’d killed. 

Suddenly you could feel your heart palpitating. Your lungs weren’t getting enough oxygen and your chest was tight. 

The world in your head was catching fire, then slowly turning black. 

You felt yourself beginning to get light headed, struggling to stay up. 

You let out a call for help. A whimper, really. One that would never reach anywhere past a few metres away from you. 

You were sure that this was the end. It would surely be a good representation of your life in general. Not really the climactic happy ending that you were hoping for. 

You heard the faintest of voices outside. 

“Help.” was the last thing you said before passing out, into someone’s arms.

“Y/n!” Nakia held your limp body as you nearly collapsed onto the floor. Shuri was quickly right beside her as her heart raced getting you onto the bed. 

“What’s wrong?” Nakia turned to the young scientist.

She didn’t respond, rather getting to work on actually figuring out what it was. 

“How is it even possible that a 12 year old could be declared dead and then found alive and well 23 years later, My King?” The noise from the TV rang through the room, sending a sharp halt through Nakia’s brain. 

She’d left it on before leaving.

“Bast damn me.” she breathed out, turning it off and returning to you. 

Shuri was hard at work, trying to get you to regain consciousness while checking you for any possible medical emergencies. 

“I thought it might've just been an anxiety attack that put pressure on her heart,” she started, “but, something’s wrong. Can you call someone to help us take her to the lab? I have to do further testing.” 

They got two Dora Milaje to help carefully get you to Shuri’s lab. Nakia hovered over you, making it clear to them that if they dropped you there would be consequences. 

“As I was saying before. Something's not right here. Her heart rate is far too high. It's having an abnormally hard time trying to pump blood.

“Is she having a heart attack?!” 

“No.” Shuri rolled her eyes at the question. “It’s something more minor than that. I’m just testing for any conditions. Why do you have to jump to such wild conclusions.” 

“Shuri, I don't have time for jokes right now. You said her heart is struggling to pump blood. Why wouldn't I assume it might be a heart attack.” 

“Maybe because I didn’t ’t say she was having a heart att-” 

“-Nakia! There’s a situation at the front of the palace.” the General, Okoye, walked into the lab.

“What kind of situation?” 

“A journalist situation. They’re saying that they won’t leave until they get to see the ‘reincarnated woman’.”  she spoke like the senseless words physically pained her.

Nakia scrunched up her face in confusion and annoyance. “What reincarnated woman?” 

Okoye shrugged, “Some news publications claimed that the woman who was found in Italy is actually a reincarnation of the girl who died. Not the actual person.” 

Nakia scoffed, “A reincarnation that’s the exact same age as she would have been?” Okoye shrugged. 

Letting out a groan, Nakia left the room to go deal with the situation. Okoye followed quickly after giving your still unconscious body a once-over.

You felt yourself begin to wake up again, moving your arm to shield your eyes from the bright light that blinded you. 

“Sorry.” came a soft voice as the light disappeared. You waited for your eyes to adjust to being open before you saw that it was T’Challa’s sister. 

“Shuri.” you reminded yourself. 

“Mhm?” 

You shook your head, “I didn’t mean to say that outloud.” She smiled at you, letting you sit up.

“Where’s Kia?”

"She had to go handle some press outside."

"Press?" You questioned.

"Some journalists took some out of context information and made a story about you being a reincarnation of the girl who died." 

You stared at her, eyes wide. Then a sort of smile crept onto your face. You watched her examine a holographic image of your heart. 

You said, "That's a shame. They missed the perfect opportunity to say that I resurrected. Now that would have been perfect. Maybe I should tell them that when I see them." 

She stopped, looked at you and stared for a moment. After seeing your smile, she couldn't help but let out a laugh. She tried to cover her mouth, not wanting to laugh too hard at your weird sense of humour. 

"I'm so sorry. What they're doing isn't right." She cackled out. 

You added on, "I really thought it'd be worse. I've come to learn that logic and journalism in this world don't always go well together. Why not just add more to make the story better? Missed opportunities." 

That made you chuckle to yourself. Reincarnated. You could only wish. That would be better than the truth.

Distracting yourself from the thought, you paid more attention to the hologram in her hand. 

"Is that mine?" 

She nodded. 

You didn’t know what was specifically wrong with the image, but seeing her expression, you came to your own conclusion. That wasn’t how a normal heart was supposed to look. 

“Um,” she cleared her throat. “Do you mind me if I ask you about what you usually ate?” 

You were a bit thrown off by the use of past tense. Still getting used to knowing that whatever you consumed then was in the past now. 

“Not much, really.” 

“And drinking.” 

You paused, hesitant. You just looked down, not elaborating any further. 

She didn’t pry. Instead taking that information and moving on to scanning the next part that she thought was a possible cause. 

She was in a state of flow in her lab. Just like the state of flow that she was in back in Italy. It was admirable really. 

You sunk into yourself at the thought that you didn’t really have a state of flow. Your killings were coordinated, if that meant anything to anyone. Which you reckoned it didn’t. 

You didn’t do much besides that so there wasn’t anything to grade yourself on.

Ballet was a coping mechanism, so it didn't feel like you could include that in your accomplishments.

Sleeping was something everyone did, so you couldn’t count that for anything. Even if you could, your sleep was no resting game. It was usually worse than being awake. It was the reason that you… did things that weren’t fully approved by him.

“That’s everything I need.” Shuri’s voice came again.

“You’re doing better than expected, but I need more time to figure out a few more things about your heart’s condition. I’ll come and tell you if I find anything later on today.” 

“So you are the smart sibling?”  

“I wouldn’t say that, but if you could repeat that to my brother the next time you see him, that would be great.” 

You laughed, getting up from the chair. 

“I’ll ask Aneka to take you back to your room.” 

“Thanks.” 

She left the lab for a minute, and when she came back she was with a Dora Milaje. Aneka, you assumed. 

“Wait,” you stopped before leaving ,”How long am I allowed to stay here?” 

“As long as you need to. This is your new home until you feel ready to go. But you can't leave for at least 3 months. I need to keep track of your heart.” 

Nodding, you left with the Adored One. 

Shuri smiled as you left the room, but as soon as you were gone, her face turned worried. She examined your heart's results again, not liking what she saw. 

Footsteps came through the door, and she looked up to see Nakia. 

“I finally got rid of them- wait, where's Y/n?” she asked. 

“I asked Aneka to escort her back to her room and stay there until you were back.” 

“Did you figure out what was wrong?” 

Shuri didn’t say a word, her face answering for her. 

Nakia visibly deflated, “How bad is it?” 

“It’s not good.” 

On your way to your room, everything was moving quickly. A lot faster than you remembered. 

Aside from Aneka, every Dora Milaje was doing something in a hurry. Speed walking to cover up windows. Running to get outside. 

The news had definitely spread around. And you couldn’t feel more guilty about the mess you had caused. Maybe it was better when you were at your apartment in Italy. At least then you were only disturbing a few people’s peace. At least then you only lived life wondering if anyone cared about you. 

Now that you knew that they did, it was overwhelming. Now you were beginning to mean something. Meaning something meant that you had to be something. All that you knew that you were was a murderer. Who would love that?

“Do you want it on?” Aneka’s voice came through to your ears as you came back to reality. You turned to see her pointing to the TV. 

“No.” 

She nodded, sitting down on a chair while you sat down on your bed. 

The two of you let the silence take over the room for a while, Aneka not being sure what she could say or ask, and you not knowing what to do to make her feel more comfortable. 

“ I'm sorry you got stuck babysitting me.” 

She smiled, “I don’t think that that is what this is.” 

“You’re right. I’m a bit too old to use that word, aren’t I? I’m sorry you got stuck taking care of the person who’s caused a stir in your home.” 

“It’s your home too.” 

“Is it?” you asked. You'd been repeating that same question every few minutes since you’d been back. 

Was this really a Kingdom that you belonged to? Was it really your home? You didn’t have much proof of it. 

The ones that created you preferred running away without you over taking you and the one that raised you sold you. With that just being the surface of your suffering, you couldn’t help but question; did you ever really have a home?

You only realised that you'd been speaking out loud when Aneka responded.

“I think that you can make a home from anything that means something to you.”

You laid flat on your back and sighed, “What means something to you?”

“I have a person,” she smiled and looked up, clearly imagining them. “My person.”

You smiled at her, happy to see that someone had that. You watched her gaze up for what felt like centuries. When she came back down, she apologised, “Sorry.” but you could see that there was not one ashamed bone in her body. You liked that. 

“Tell me more about this person.”

So she went on. Telling you about Ayo, another Dora Milaje. The one she had met and immediately fell in love with. She lit up as she talked about their entire relationship. The ups made her swoon, and the downs made her tear up. 

Hearing her talk about where they were at that point made you happy. But you were interrupted just as she was talking about where she lived. Her beads lit up slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked, becoming tense again.

She sensed the panic in you, going in to touch your hand to reassure you. “Nothing’s wrong. Queen Mother Ramonda just wants to see you soon.”

“Oh.”

You let that information process for a moment. You had yet to see her since you returned. All you’d heard regarding her was the passing of King T’Chaka. You shed a few tears when you’d heard the news, but had been fairly okay dealing with the news for the last day. 

“So, where do you 2 live now?” you reverted back. 

“We live in a house in the river province now.”

You grew silent again. You didn’t want to ask for a more specific area, fearing that your former residence would come into conversation.

Some things were far out of reach when it came to your memory of your earlier life, but your house remained in your dreams for years after you were taken. 

A thudding noise came to the door and you lifted yourself up. Aneka stood to see who it was. 

Nakia entered as soon as the door creaked even slightly ajar. 

“Y/n. You’re okay.” she let out multiple relieved sighs, engulfing you in a tight hug. 

“I am.” You said, “And I also can’t breathe Kia.” 

“Oh! Sorry.” she let go of you. 

When she saw Aneka, she crossed her arms in respect, but it was clear that she was ready to dismiss her. 

Aneka, knowing that she wasn’t fully needed anymore, tried to explain; “Ramonda plans to-”

“I know. I’ll let her in when she arrives.” Then she moved to her, giving her a hug. “Thank you.” 

Aneka accepted, letting go of Nakia to get to you. There you hugged her. “Thanks for the glimpse of what life could be for me one day.” you whispered. 

“You’ll get there sooner than you know. I’ll check on you later. Or maybe you can come to training when you’re cleared to and we’ll see each other then.” she returned. 

You nodded, letting go of her and watching her go. 

When the door closed, you let yourself back down onto the bed, feeling tired. Nakia sat next to you, her eyes doing the same thing that they had been doing since you’d reunited. Inspecting you for problems. Trying to see what was going on in your head.

“She’s one of our best Doras.” 

“I could tell.” you looked at her. 

Then you smiled at a memory, “I see you stood strong on not wanting to become one of them.” 

She let out a soft laugh. That was the first reference you’d ever made to remembering something. 

It meant that you weren’t fully gone. There was still a part of you that remembered who you were before- everything. 

“I did. I chose the Wardog path in the end.” you hummed in understanding. 

“I-” she paused, wanting to tell you that it was really because of your disappearance. She stopped herself though, seeing that you were having an okay day besides the heart thing. 

There was no reason to try and bring up the bad stuff so soon after your return.

It was better to just let you rest. 

Especially because of: the heart thing.

That, she couldn’t avoid. It was something she had been reeling for answers for since Shuri told her. It was the reason she was so eager to get you alone in the room in the first place. 

“Y/n,” she began.

“Yes?” 

“I have a question to ask you.” 

You looked at her more intentionally, sitting up. You had a hunch that she knew what was going on. 

“Go ahead.” 

“When did it start?” she asked. 

You didn’t need further explanation. You bowed your head down in momentary shame. 

There was a lot that hung in that question. Answering would lead to more questions about it. Like how it started, or how you were able to keep it secret. 

It would also bring up the origin of the story. The woman who raised you. 

“It started a long time ago.” you went with that, though it didn’t satisfy you, and it definitely didn’t satisfy Nakia. 

She tried a different approach. “When was the last time that you-” 

“-Last week.” you cut her off, then immediately feeling guilt for it.

You sighed, letting the nerves move more equally around your body instead of accumulating around your heart. 

“I didn’t drink when it got closer to the day of my missions.” 

Nakia’s eyes raised in shock. “Were you gonna do something-.” she stopped herself. “Was he gonna make you do something in a few days?” 

“Today, actually.” you answered. 

Nakia was breathless. Speechless. Motionless. 

She wanted to hug you tightly enough to protect you from all possible harm, but you weren’t reacting to what you were saying so she didn’t want to be the one who triggered you. 

“‘Why are you bringing this up?” you went on to ask. 

“Y/n. Shuri says you have Alcohol-induced Cardiomyopathy. It’s putting strain on your heart.”

It was your turn to be breathless. Speechless. Motionless.

“Y/n? Y/n!?” Nakia asked. 

You were unresponsive. 

4 days later..

A cold breeze came through your clothes making you shiver as you stood outside in the palace.

It was late in the night. Probably just past 2 am if you were to guess. You’d been out there for 3 hours, trying to catch a break. The 4 days that followed your 2 health scares were filled with check-ups, invasive questions and Nakia guarding you like a hawk. 

When you’d found her asleep for the first time since that first day that you were back, you took the opportunity to get some fresh air. 

You could have gone with her, but you really wanted her to get some rest for a few hours. 

If you were being honest, you wanted to be left alone for just a short while too. 

Luckily, the reporters didn’t camp out in front of the palace at night, leaving when evening came. So you were free to go out without fearing that your face would be captured and spread all over the country. 

You hadn’t been fully keeping up with the news but you were sure that the media still had plenty of questions regarding the story. 

When you were seated on a bench, you heard footsteps approaching. Assuming that it was Nakia, you confessed already, “I just needed a break from all of the chaos.”

Instead of her voice, you heard a different woman’s voice. It wasn’t hers but it was still very familiar. “It’s not usually this busy.” 

Queen Ramonda. 

Or rather Queen Mother Ramonda now. You weren’t sure how to approach this, But there she stood, watching you look at her, not answering her. You must have looked completely lost. 

“Ma’Ramonda?” you decided to say reluctantly. 

“Y/n. my child, come here.” she opened her arms for you. 

You stood up, walking into her arms and letting yourself be held by someone other than Nakia for the first time since your return. 

“I-” you started, but got choked up in the process, tears rapidly forming and falling not just on your face but onto her shoulder. Embarrassed, you tried to release yourself but she didn’t relent, continuing to hug you. 

“I missed you.” you finally said when you were calmer. “I really, really missed you.” 

You laid your head on her shoulder, hearing sniffling from her at your words.

Ramonda was in her own state of shock. She had lost you, grieved you and eventually came to be at peace with you being gone. 

Seeing you in front  of her so long after it happened was the scariest thing she’d ever experienced in her life. Knowing that you’d gone through so much. It was a lot to come to terms with. 

“I thought you were gone. If I'd have known; trust me Y/n we would have been searching harder. We would have found you sooner.” she pleaded. 

Letting her go, you looked at her, tears in both of your eyes. “I know you would have.” you cried. You knew that it was true. She would have probably parted the oceans looking for you if she had known, but as far as you knew; Nakia kept her search for you secret for as long as possible. 

There was no way that she could have ever known. 

The two of you sat down, still letting a few tears flow down. 

“I was beginning to think you didn’t want to see me again.” you laughed out a bit.

“I tried to see you sooner, but people from all over the world have heard the story and want details. We had to make a plan on how to approach everything in a way that didn’t hurt you while still informing the countries involved.

I should have tried harder though. I already failed you once, the least I could have done was see you.” 

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I understand that you were busy. I was saying that as more of a joke.”

She seemed to be thinking about the older part of your conversation. “Not seeing you is one thing. Not confirming that you were indeed dead is another. I failed you with that one. There must have been clear signs at the time.” 

You fell silent there. Your resentment for everyone’s lack of observance had faded long before. There should have never been a reason for everyone to look out for a child in case they were sold by their mother. You knew who the real one to blame was. 

"I can't fully blame you. The mastermind behind it all must have put up quite a stellar performance at the 'funeral'. She could fool even the smartest people." Then you leaned your head on Ramonda’s shoulder.

"She fooled me for 12 years, anyway,” you sighed, “Made me think she loved me. Now I’m not sure if that’s even possible." 

“Hey,” she took a hold of your chin, making you look up at her. “You are more than worthy of love. In every capacity of love that there could possibly be, you are worthy of it. I will never forgive myself for not being there for you and being a part of the people that make you feel like that.”

More tears left her eyes as you broke down in her arms. You did the same, crying as you thought back to what emotion it all led up to. 

Over time you became more and more accustomed to this emotion. It made you feel just like you did when Shashi was dragging you to the helicopter. Fearful, and helpless.

You were scared. 

For 23 years you thought that when you'd eventually get back it would all go back to normal. But it wouldn’t.  It couldn’t. 

You were home, and everything was worse now. 

Section 2: When Trials Begin…

50 days into freedom

"I'll never forget!" 

Shashi mouthed something to you, but you were in the vehicle before you could see, going for your necklace, you realised that it was gone. You'd lost the matching necklace that you had gotten with Nakia. 

The tears started to flow, your need for saving setting in. 

'Nakia was right.' You thought. 

Slowly fading out of consciousness, the man turned to you as you sat in the helicopter and you flew off. 

"My name is Dreykov." 

The seat you were forced into was cold, and worn out when you became conscious again. 

It was no longer night, but rather early morning. You looked around and realised that you were tied onto the seat. 

Then came the horrid smile from before. Dreykov. 

He was looking at you while he flew. His smile pressed into you from where he was. 

"You're up!" He chirped.

You stayed silent, fear surrounding you. You were stuck in an inescapable situation. Even if you were able to get out of the knots that he had put on you, you were far too high in the air to try and break through a window and jump out. 

Even adrenaline couldn't help you survive. 

There was only one thing you could do. 

Keep your mouth shut so he didn't kill you. 

When you got down on the ground, he untied you observing your reaction. You were tired. Too tired to try and execute an escape plan. 

He still gripped your hand firmly as he walked you to a secluded building. 

Your breathing quickened at the thought of what was in there. You were young but you were well aware of what people who bought and kidnapped little girls did to them. 

"No." You let out, tears falling as you tried to get his grip to loosen. The fear was becoming more than just an emotion. It was a warning. 

It told you that you didn't want to see what was in there. 

He stopped and gripped onto you, taking you by the shoulders with both hands. 

"There's nothing bad in there." 

You stood there as he breathed his words into your face. Your heart beating was all that told you that you were alive.

"If you listen and do what you're told to, you will live a good life here. You'll become something special." 

You relented, letting his strength overpower your will to live. 

In many ways, it really was the day that you died. 

You woke up with a start. Tears falling down your cheeks as you tried to compose yourself. 

‘It was just a dream’ you thought to yourself.

“Just a dream.” you whispered. But as you said that, the walls came down. You let out sobs, your insides melting out of you, leaving only a shell of a person. 

“No, no, no!” you let out the one thing you wish you had screamed that night. 

“No, no, no!” 

Again and again and again you imagined what would have happened had you not relented. It was your third bad dream that week. Flashbacks of the first days at the room haunting and taunting you as you tried to navigate your new found freedom. 

You were no longer distracted by withdrawal symptoms and people checking up on you every few minutes to see if you were okay. So your mind had everything it needed to make the nightmares vivid. Like you were reliving them over and over. 

Sweat attached you to your clothes and your clothes to your bed, making it virtually impossible to get out. 

“NO!” you screamed out, feeling a touch to your arm.

“Y/n!?”

“Huh!?” you were suddenly conscious of Nakia standing up from her position on your room's chair to get to you. You sat up seeing her in that worried state. 

She approached you, as you tried to wipe your face and act normal. 

“I’m fine,” you sniffled, wiping your nose, “Sorry for waking you up.” 

Nakia tilted her head at you, moving closer to you. “You had another one?” 

She opened her arms to you, and you couldn't help but lean into it, not wrapping your arms around her. Just laying your head against her stomach. She held your head as you cried into her shirt. 

She tried to calm you down, your body shaking uncontrollably in fear. 

"I was back in there again." 

"You're not there again, Y/n/n." She spoke softly to you. "I know that it feels like you're back there but you're not. You're here in this room with me." 

Drawing circles on your back, she breathed with you.

In. 'You are safe.'

Out. 'You are safe.'

In. 'You are safe.' 

Out. 'You are safe.' 

"Thank you." You mumbled.

She planted a kiss on your head. "Who was it this time?" 

"Just him. It was just after we left Wakanda." You spoke of Dreykov, letting go of Nakia as you stood up. 

Nakia knew most of what happened that day. You, having told her some of the details a couple of weeks before.

"Again. I'm sorry for waking you up." 

"You barely did anything. I'm not even tired." She lied. You could tell but didn't mention it.

"The reporters have been slower lately. Maybe you should go out for a breather." She suggested.

"Am I ready for that?" 

"We can just go to the training grounds." 

You smiled at seeing her look excited about something for once. You weren't completely oblivious to the fact that she had barely left your side since you’d been back. 

She didn't tell you much about what life was like before she found you. It was a topic of discussion that she often danced around. 

"We can go." You said.

She breathed a sigh of relief at the answer. 

The sun hung over you as you walked outside of the palace walls. 

It showed you everything you had missed when you went out in the dark. The place that you once knew well was completely different. 

The building was the same structure, and you expected new technology to have changed the way things operated, but everything else was different in ways you couldn't describe all that well.

It was different in a way that showed that the place had moved on without you. It felt strange knowing that if you asked when a new feature came in most people wouldn't remember it not being there before. 

You felt forgotten in a sense. Like there were only 2 people who would help you if you were drowning with a million other people there. But you also felt selfish for feeling forgotten.

You felt selfish for having a twinge of resentment towards the people who were there when it happened and didn't do anything.

Sure, they didn’t ask questions where it was clear that they should have, and didn’t listen to the people who were asking them. But you couldn’t say you were mad at every person who fell for the con.

You were just…

Disappointed. 

You would be forever grateful that you were out of Dreykov’s control, but you were disappointed. After all, your struggle wasn’t instantly gone when he was gone. You still had to do the extra work to make sure that you didn’t go crazy. 

Distracting yourself as often as possible to avoid thinking about everything that happened. 

It was hard. Your memories of the red room were slowly coming back and it was scary. 

You’d never had to remember much of what happened when Dreykov controlled your mind. All you did was the dirty work. He did the clean up.

Now you were being left to do the cleanup, and if you were being honest you weren't the best cleaner. 

 You felt a body rush up to you, a hand gliding into yours. 

Nakia. The one person who never had a single doubt. You owed her the world for what she sacrificed to find you. 

She could very well have permanently painted herself as a crazy woman looking for an impossible miracle to happen. But she never gave up on you. 

You would never stop giving her your thanks. You couldn't even imagine the mental toll that that had and was still taking on her. Being told that you were crazy for that many years. 

As she smiled softly at you, you wished you could give her a piece of the world big enough to make up for being the reason she lost more than half of her life. 

If you thought about it too much, you’d start sobbing again, and that would only make her take you back inside. 

She needed this breather far more than you did. 

You walked around for a while, not really looking at where you were headed. Soon you were at the training grounds, Nakia following you along without question. 

“Do you want to go in?” she asked.

“They’re probably busy.” you answered. 

She tilted her head at you, something that you realised she did more often now. 

“Okay.” you hesitated. 

The two of you entered the main building that the Dora Milaje trained in. It was quiet. Mostly empty. 

“Y/n!” you turned around at the call and saw Aneka standing at one side. You smiled, waving with your free hand. 

Then you felt Nakia gently release her hand from yours. You looked at her, and she smiled at you. 

“Go talk to her.” 

“You make me sound like an anxious kid when you say it like that.” you scoffed playfully. 

“Aren’t you?” 

You didn’t answer, going instead to speak to Aneka. 

Nakia went in the opposite direction, towards where Okoye usually was. 

“Okoye.” she said when she reached her. 

“Nakia!” Okoye greeted her with a hug.   “You’re outside!” she laughed. 

“You have jokes.” 

Okoye couldn’t deny herself one good laugh, leading to Nakia reluctantly joining her for a chuckle or two. 

The two went where they could sit. 

“Where’s Y/n?” Okoye asked. She’d met you not long after your return. And though you aren't close like you and Aneka, you liked each other. 

Okoye knew that you had to be close. 

“With Aneka in the next room.” 

“It was a bad morning so I suggested she get some fresh air.” 

Okoye observed Nakia’s body language. “Are you sure you’re not the one who needed fresh air?” 

“What?” 

“When was the last time you slept a full night?” 

“I don’t know. A few days ago. A few weeks, maybe.” 

Okoye looked at her with an astonished expression on her face. “A few weeks?!” 

“What? It hasn’t been that important lately.” 

“Nakia,” Okoye placed her hand on one of Nakia’s, “You spent 23 years looking for Y/n and you've been her primary caretaker for over a month now. You’re stretching yourself quite thin here. You need to take a break."

“Okoye, I’m fine. Stop being so paranoid.” 

“Am I? You look exhausted. Just take a break for a few days.” 

“And who would be there for Y/n?” Nakia whispered, defensively. 

“Everyone would. The two of you aren’t in your old world where you only had each other anymore. There are people here willing to help you and her. I’m here to help the both of you.” 

“Look, I know you mean that but I’m fine. Y/n is finally doing better and I just want her to feel safe again. I don’t want to leave her to go ‘take care’ of myself.” 

“Well if you don’t then who will, Nakia.” 

“Okoye.” Nakia sighed. 

Okoye held onto her hand a bit more forcibly, “Nakia!” 

“Okoye! I can’t just leave her. I-” she felt herself choke up, “I don’t know who I am when I’m not taking care of her.” 

That was the first time that she admitted it. For the first few weeks she refused to but it had been settling in on her for the last few days.

She wasn’t going to tell you, but there was less tension in her chest knowing that at least one person.

“I know that you love her,” Okoye paused for a while. She wanted those words to settle in. 

“And that you want to be there for her whenever something bad happens, but you need to trust that she’s capable enough to call you if she needs to. Or ask someone else for help if you’re busy. I’m sure she’ll be more than okay with letting you rest-”

Okoye stopped when she realised that Nakia was no longer listening. Instead she was looking outside of the room, where yours and Aneka's voices had fallen silent. 

She sighed, but let Nakia stand up to go find out if you were okay. Nakia walked to where she last saw you, and was relieved to still see you there. 

Seeing her, you placed your index finger on your lips telling her to stay silent. 

Aneka faced the other way. Eyes closed as she held her sword in its smaller state. 

Okoye walked in right after Nakia and she watched in confusion. 

Suddenly Aneka was rotating on the ground while lifting and maximising her spear. It was a fast movement that neither Okoye nor Nakia had ever seen before. 

When she got up and finished the move, you smiled. “You did it!” 

She opened her eyes, and ran up to you giving you a huge hug. 

“Did the two of you see that?” she said excitedly when she saw the other two people in the room. 

“We did. What was it?” Okoye asked. 

“It was a move that Y/n suggested that I try.” 

The two of them looked at you, and you avoided their gaze. 

Okoye’s because you knew she’d want to know more and that wasn’t what you were interested in, and Nakia because the smile plastered across her face would make you start to feel your cheeks blush up.

Even with the avoidance of eye contact, Okoye started, “Can you do that?” 

“No.” you shook your head dismissively. 

“She can!” Aneka went. You gave her a look of disbelief. 

“I mean I can, but I won’t.” 

They all stared at you with pleading eyes for a while; their collective peer pressure making you give in. 

You agreed to do it one time. 

“It works better with guns but I think I can work with other weapons.” You looked around, finding a spare spear on the floor.

You proceeded to do the same thing as Aneka, but with much more skill. You went down on your knee in one swift move, maximised the spear and were able to get a few good swings out of it before you minimised it and finished your turnout again. It was a split second move. One that Okoye barely believed had happened. 

You were just happy to not have stumbled in between. It hadn’t been that long since you’d trained regularly but it had been longer than usual and you’d taken a lot of new medications that could have easily thrown your skill off balance.

It was a lucky chance that you were still in fairly good shape. Lucky enough that Okoye and Aneka convinced you to do a few more demonstrations, with Nakia joining in only when asked to. 

With all of you in a line doing that one move, it felt like when you were still in the red room practising the rotation with your fellow widow’s, only now it was less tense.

You allowed yourself to stumble every one in a while. You weren’t scared of some unruly punishment when you didn’t do it all the way right. 

When the energy in the room hit below the ground, all you were left to do was struggle to catch your breath.

“You’re good.” Okoye huffed out, trying to remain less obvious about her struggle to breathe. 

Aneka wasn’t as hard trying. Bending over, panting while trying to keep herself up.

You were in some pain, seeing as your Cardiomyopathy was still in its recovering stages.

Nakia was the best one out of the 4 of you, her composure being commendable. 

An entrance through the door got you all standing up straight, trying to be natural. 

Ayo and a few of the other Dora Milaje walked inside. 

“What’s going on here?” She asked. 

“Nothing, beloved” Aneka lied through heavy breaths. 

Ayo didn’t ask anything else. Just shook her head and went about her business. 

“We should go.” Nakia laughed. You nodded, pulling yourself together before saying your goodbyes and leaving with her. 

When you got out, it was still early afternoon. 

“You’re impressive.” she took hold of your hand again.

“I’d hope so. 23 years has to be good for something.” you tried to approach it in a lighter way, but Nakia’s face clearly showed that she didn’t see it like that. 

“That was supposed to make you laugh.” 

“Oh, you were trying to make a joke?” you nodded, not realising that you were becoming the subject of sarcasm. “I would have never known. It was so good I forgot to laugh.” 

You shook your head, “Okay, I get it now. It was not received well by the crowd.” 

She laughed at that. Then an idea popped up in her head. 

“Come with me. I want to take you somewhere.” 

You followed her as she pulled you around, making you run at some points on your journey. For a while you had no idea where you were going. 

“Nakia, where are we going?” 

“You’ll see.” 

“The last time I waited to see, I was sold and flown out to Russia in a helicopter.” 

She stopped then, giving you a dead stare of warning. You were trying it. 

“That was the last one for today. I promise.” you said, allowing her to continue walking.

She made you close your eyes when you realised that you were in the River Province. 

You trusted her not to take you anywhere that you’d feel unsafe, but you didn’t remember much besides your old house.

“Okay, stop.” she said, holding you back.

You heard water, so you had an idea of where you were. 

“Open your eyes.”

You obliged. Opening your eyes to see the river of water in front of you. You looked at Nakia.

“Is this where we used to-”

“Yes.” She grinned, “We came here almost every day.”

“I hope you don’t expect me to get in there in my condition.” you remarked.

“I don’t”, she laughed. “We can just sit here for the rest of the day.”

You mouthed an ‘okay’ before finding the best place to sit on the ground. You stared at the flowing water, breathing in its pure scent. 

“What did we do here?” you asked. 

Nakia sat down close to you, laying her arm on you. 

“We mostly just played around. Sometimes I'd convince you to let us go in for a swim. But we usually sat down like this. Talking about our futures.

When T’Challa would join us we would see who could hold their breath underwater for the longest.” 

“He always lost.” you remembered, making Nakia grin. 

“Mhm. And he was such a sore loser too. Always blaming us for messing up his strategy.” 

You laughed, remembering that too. Some of the best moments were slowly coming back to the surface. 

You remembered once pretending that you had gotten lost when the two were bickering, forcing them to figure out where you were together. 

You remembered having one of your birthday celebrations there, and complaining to Nakia about your mother forcing you to invite everyone in your class, even the people that you didn’t like. 

Images of you dancing with Nakia whenever new songs came out, and her splashing you with water when you weren’t looking. 

A tear started to form at the feeling of finally remembering. 

“I wish there was something like this when I was in the room. It would have saved me a lot of tears. I used to imagine the river when I wanted to escape the life that I had there. It was what I dreamt of the first night that he brought me there.

I dreamt of that day this morning. Only the beginning, though. I didn’t get to the part about the river. I always wake up when that happens. ” 

“Maybe I'll get to that part of that dream today.” You offered comfort to yourself.

Nakia listened attentively. “Maybe you will.” she whispered, her throat blocked from her uprising emotions. 

“Did you come here when I was gone?”

“No.” Nakia was very closed off about much of what happened when you were gone. She didn’t tell you much except that she kept looking for you every chance that she got. 

Nakia knew that she had been concealing some information. She was just so used to wanting to let you talk about what you went through. She didn’t feel like her journey to finding you was worth any conversation. 

But really, she just didn’t feel like she was all that ready to talk about it. When you took her hand, holding it close to your heart, her mind went to the one place she tried to avoid. 

“My mother and aunt took me here the day we found out that you were gone.” she started. 

“It wasn’t right here. It was farther off, but it was still by the river. After that day, it was hard for me to want to come here. I felt like it would be selfish coming back here when you couldn’t.” 

Tears develop in her eyes, Nakia trying her best to wipe them away. “I don’t know how you’re able to talk and joke about what you went through. ” 

“It’s the only way I can make myself believe that I’m human.” 

“Human?” 

“I was trained to think that I was a dangerous machine. Not a human. Humans get scared. They get hurt and they’re imperfect. I couldn't be or do any of those things.” 

“But you know you’re human now, right?” 

You didn’t answer. You didn’t want to lie. 

“Right?!” she nudged you to answer. 

“Kia, I’m not a good person like you think I am. I had to do a lot of terrible things just to stay alive.” 

“Tell me.” 

“I’m not going to tell you.” 

“Tell me, y/n! If I can trust you with my burdens then you can trust me with yours.” 

“I killed people!” you let out with a heavy breath. 

“It wasn’t just outside assassinations that we did. That was only after we graduated. Before that, I had to hurt girls to protect myself from being hurt. I had to kill them so I didn't get killed. There’s nothing human about that. There’s nothing good about that.” your face was freshly coated with tears. It was frustrating because it felt like they were never-ending. 

“But that wasn't you, Y/n.” she tried to explain, “I know who you are and that was NOT you. “

You shook your head at her , “But it was. I did it too many times for it not to have been. I made people feel safe and then killed them when I had to!” you sobbed. 

“Y/n, I know it’s still fresh in your head and I’m not going to rush you. Your mind hasn’t settled to see the evil that surrounded and controlled you yet, but I am telling you; That. Was. Not. You.” 

Suddenly  the morning’s events were being replicated. You cried into her shirt as you tried to pull all the remaining parts of your identity back into the shell that was you as a person. 

With the day being so intense, Nakia felt like going to her childhood home was the best option for the night. 

Nobody was supposed to be there, so it would let the two of you sit with your unspoken words without feeling pressured into talking. 

“Did I bring gifts for someone’s birthday here once?” you asked at the memory of you carrying a large load of gifts. 

“Not technically. You just bought the gifts as a thank you one day. It wasn’t anyone’s birthday.” she replied. 

‘See? You’re human.’ she wanted to tell you, but she didn't. Instead, close the front door and switching on the lights. 

‘See? You are human.’ you thought to yourself.

The two of you cooked and ate for the first chunk of the evening. Not many words being exchanged between the two of you. 

You both feared that you would be brought into another hard discussion.

You were the first to break the silence. 

“Thank you for staying with me.” you said. 

Nakia nodded, but stayed silent. 

Then she let out a breath, “We used to have a saying.”

You looked up at her, begging for more information. 

 “You would say love is beautiful-” 

“-And you would say, friendship is better.” 

You both brought your pinky fingers up locking them together. 

“Y/n/n, You were, are and will always be my favourite person on this planet, and on any other planet beyond us. I’m going to be here for a long time.”

"What if I hurt you?”  

“I’m good at defending myself too. If anything happens, I'll be fine." 

"That's only gonna work if you give yourself a break, Kia. Whether you want to admit it or not, I am not the easiest person to constantly be taking care of. You still deserve a life outside of me." 

"I'll do that." She said, reluctantly. She didn't want to start every hard-hitting conversation in one day. 

"Good. I'm going to try and get some sleep."

When she tried to follow you, you stopped her.

"Only come with me if you want to sleep here." You started. 

She nodded, waving you a good-night whilst she went to sit down and watch TV. 

As soon as she switched it on; "In the latest news about our returned Wakandan woman; The adoptive Mother of the teen found to have been human trafficked 23 years ago is set to be put on trial in 3 months from now. This comes just over 1 month after she was arrested by Wakandan police. Sources say that she is struggling to find a legal team that will defend her." 

Nakia smiled at that revelation, letting herself get comfortable for the first time that day. 

That night, you got to see that part of your dream, hearing the sound of the river. 

3 months later. 

The sun rose at the palace, telling people that the day had begun.

You stood in the garden, taking in the beauty that was the sunrise. 

Just as you got to a state of peace, you felt a push at the back of you. 

“Ow, T’Challa!” 

“It wasn’t me.” he whined like a child, “It was Nakia. She stood on my foot” 

“It was an accident!” she defended herself. “What are we doing hiding behind here anyway? I thought we were going to watch the sunrise after climbing the tree. ” 

“We’re looking out to see if anyone else is out here.” you explained. 

“Exactly, Nakia! How would it look to others seeing 3 grown adults sitting in a tree like kids.” T’Challa added.

“You’re just trying to protect your Royal integrity.” Nakia said. 

T’Challa turned to her. “Maybe I am. What would you be able to say? We’re actually leaders of the nation now.” 

Nakia pulled a face at him, causing a stir between the two of them while you stayed watch. 

You let the two of them bicker, and continued on your quest. After a few cycles of not seeing anyone in the distance, you carefully started climbing the tree, the two behind you following you as they continued bickering. 

The tree in question had a nice base in the middle that allowed space for all three of you to sit. 

The three of you sat, T’Challa in the middle with you and Nakia on opposite sides of him, and the three of you watched the sunrise. 

The two loud ones stopped bickering and it fell silent in the tree. You all just sat admiring the work of the universe. 

It was a new day for everyone. And you were all starting to get used to being like this again. Not scared of losing another one of you. 

You were the chaotic trio again. 

When the sun was fully up, you were already separated. 

It was day 4 of the trial, and Nakia and T’Challa were obligated to appear. 

You had gone for every other day. Today was your day to rest from seeing Shashi. 

You were gonna take it to do anything but think of her. 

You made your way to the training grounds. 

You weren’t there to train with anyone. It was just a stress relief for you. First you’d do light warm ups, then you’d put on the new ballet attire that you’d been bought, and you’d dance for a while. 

It was still a coping mechanism for you, but you no longer went out of your way to hurt yourself more in the process. You were less rigid and detailed, just doing what your body told you to.

You also stopped dancing on worn out shoes. Instead making sure to be aware of when they could no longer support you anymore. 

You tended to lose yourself in dance, feeling like a human for once. 

Though few people had actually seen you dancing, it was known to everyone that if you were in the training grounds, that is what you were probably doing and you shouldn’t be disturbed. 

That’s why you were so surprised when a knock came at the door. 

Going to open it, you found Aneka waiting for you to answer. 

“Aneka!” you said happily. 

“Sorry to disturb you. I thought you might like to join us today.” 

You eyed her questionably. She never asked you to join her when you got into that room. She knew that you were dancing.

“The General asked if I were to ask you to join us today.” she confessed.

You nodded in understanding. 

You packed up your things and changed into something better for the type of training that you’d seen them do. 

When you got back to the main room,, you were greeted with an entire group of Dora mIlaje  in the room. It must have been nearly all of them. 

“You summoned me, General Okoye.” you said, crossing your arms in respect as you approached her. 

She did the same, grinning at you. She was up to something for sure. 

“I heard you were free today and thought that you’d want to join us.” 

You scanned her face for lies, and spotted a few. 

“Is that so?” you said, hoping that she would realise that you had caught on. 

She did.

“We actually thought that you could help us with spear training.” 

“Me?” you asked, pointing to yourself and looking around you to check if someone else was behind you. 

“Yes, you.” 

Then you looked at the rest of the Dora in the room and you realised that they were all already holding their spears. 

“Are you all trying to use my ruthless Widow training to your own advantage?” you asked everyone. 

A  loud “NO!” unanimously came through the room. 

“Yes!” 

Almost unanimous. 

You turned to the only one telling the truth. Aneka. The others glared at her. Including the General. 

You knew what your decision would be, but you had to let them sweat for a while. You pretended to think about it. Then you did a half turn like you were going to leave, but you continued into a full 360 turn and smiled at them. 

“What do you wanna do first?” 

8 hours later Nakia and T’Challa were back at the palace. The day had been long and tiring. 

News reporters from all over had submitted questions after the court session, making the interviews after the session only 10 times longer. 

Nakia was so exhausted, she didn’t realise that you weren’t at dinner until almost halfway through. 

“Where’s Y/n?” 

“In her room. She came in not too long ago, looking like she’d had quite the day.” Raminda said. 

“Did something happen?” Nakia asked, panicked. 

“No. I think that she was training with the Dora today.”

Nakia laughed, “Y/n? Training with the Dora?” 

Ramonda smiled at her. “Ask Okoye. Apparently it was quite an eventful day.” 

Nakia took that with a grain of salt, finishing her food and making her way straight to your room. 

“Y/n” she said entering your room without knocking all the way. It was basically your shared room. 

“Nakia!” you said happily when you saw her. 

She saw you wrapping your hand and was instantly by your side. “What happened?” she asked. 

“It’s just a few blisters from training. Nothing’s wrong.” you almost laughed at her. 

Still she went along and helped you wrap your hands. 

“I’m getting better, you know. I’m processing things just like you said. I’m going through them instead of trying to step around them.” 

She knew that, but she didn’t want to admit that she wasn’t processing as quickly. 

“You are. And I’m proud of you.” 

When she was done, she kissed both hands. 

Not long after, you laid in your bed,  in her arms. 

“How was training today?” she asked. Your back facing hers as you talked.

You didn’t say anything for a while, letting the subtle sound of wind from outside occupy the conversation. Then you tried to distract her, “You looked good today.”

Nakia felt her cheeks grow flushed, but she knew what you were doing.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” 

You groaned, “Training was good.

Almost too good. Okoye’s been pestering me about a job offer.” 

“To be a Dora?!” Nakia asked excitedly. 

“No! I wouldn’t be able to do that. She wants me to become the Dora Milaje’s combat and weapons trainer. I would find the best ways to train them, maybe travel around for inspiration sometimes.” 

“That sounds incredible!” you could feel the excitement radiating off of her body. 

“Yeah, I’m not taking it.” 

Nakia sat up, throwing you off of her.  “What!?” 

You looked at her and could almost see the rage smoke leaving her ears. Albeit you knew that she wasn’t mad, just shocked. 

“Nakia, I know that you’ll hate me for saying this, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be handling any weapons.” 

“Y/n,” she started.

You were ready to hear her give you the usual speech. But she didn’t say a word. Instead, she just held you closer, and gave the side of your head a kiss. 

“You have amazing things to offer this world.” she said. 

The next morning there was a box by your bedside. You opened it to see a familiar item of jewellery. 

When you looked closer, you realised that it had changed only slightly. 

It read: ‘Friendship is beautiful, Love is better.’

It matched the one that Nakia had been wearing the day before. 

You just hadn’t noticed.  

Section 3: What Happens After?

One year of freedom

{BREAKING NEWS: Shashi Jarenu pleads guilty to 10 criminal charges after 23 years of lying to authorities about daughter’s supposed death. She faces life imprisonment: Y/n L/n tells her truth.}

Nakia stared at the TV that sat in your room, watching your early morning interview on the news. 

You and the interviewer came onto the screen. 

“So Y/n. Before we begin, can you give an introduction for the people who might not know who you are. “ 

You looked into the camera, your smile making Nakia smile back at you through the screen. 

“My name is Y/n L/n. A lot of people might know me as the reincarnated 12 year old who was found in Italy 23 years after her death,” you joked, making Nakia roll her eyes while the interviewer laughed with you.

“But on a more serious note. I am not a reincarnation. I was the 12 year old adopted daughter of Shashi Jarenu, who allegedly died 24 years ago." 

"But you didn't die?" 

"No, I was sold"...

WAIT! 

SOMETHING WAS OFF. 

Nakia woke up with a bit startled. She checked the news to make sure that she knew what was true and what wasn't.

She sighed in relief. Shashi's criminal charges were real. 

After scoping everywhere, and turning the TV on, she laughed at herself.

You had refused to do the interview just a few days ago. You said that you didn’t want to be a part of the media attention pyramid like the journalists wanted you to. 

It had become a running joke of yours and you weren’t willing to let it go. 

Realising that you weren’t at an interview, she was surprised to see that you weren’t still in bed. 

She was usually the first one up. 

Her mind sifted through the things that could have led you to leaving so early and it all came to one conclusion. 

The kiss from last week.

Nakia had gotten ahead of herself one night in the previous week when you were having a really good day together. She kissed you and you didn’t say a word for the rest of the evening, only smiling nervously at her. 

She had planned to talk to you about it for days but you didn’t act weirdly about it until then. She got up and tried to call you, the call not even reaching your beads. 

Frantically, she got ready. Calling and calling. 

Something in her heart told her that something was wrong. She couldn’t lose you again.

She went around the entire palace looking for you, or anybody who had seen you, but unluckily she didn’t find anything. 

When she saw the general passing by, she stopped her. 

“Okoye! Have you seen Y/n?” 

Okoye shook her head. “I haven’t seen her since training yesterday.” 

“Training yesterday?” Nakia didn’t know that there was training. 

 “Didn’t you hear? She finally agreed to be the Dora’s combat trainer.” 

Nakia shook her head. “Did she say why she changed her mind?”

“She said that she wanted to spend time helping others be better able to defend themselves. Even if it meant defending the monarchy who-”

“-are under no threat most of the time.” Nakia finished the sentence breathlessly. Just like she said all those years ago.

Okoye looked at her with questions written all over her face, but decided not to ask them.

Deciding to ask the more important question. “Why are you so eager to find her?”

“No reason.” Nakia said bluntly. 

“Nakia. What’s going on between the two of you.” 

“I kissed her last week.” Nakia wanted to kick herself for saying it so easily. 

“You only just kissed last week?” 

“Yes.” Nakia dismissed the tone of her last sentence. 

“Okay, so what’s the problem?” 

“The problem is that I’m not sure what that means for us.” Nakia started breathing deeply, trying to keep herself calm. Okoye joined her in support. 

“Nakia, you’re overwhelming yourself.”

“I don’t know if Y/n will love me now that she’s gotten her life back.” 

“You think that Y/n only loves you because you’ve been there for her when her life was a mess.?” Okoye asked. The Wardog nodded, seeing good reason for her to think that. 

“Sister, Y/n has loved you since the very beginning and she still loves you. It’s not just because you’ve been there for her this past year. She genuinely loves you for you. If you’re worried about what you are, just ask her.”

"Okay." Nakia nodded.

Okoye gave her half of a hug, being called somewhere before Nakia could thank her. 

Nakia ended up pacing around for another 4 hours trying to call you. Still there was nothing. Fear started to creep up again. 

What if she lost you again? But this time not because of you being taken far away from her, but rather due to you choosing to leave her. 

She had slowly been driving you away and you were probably sick of her. 

Her thoughts had her wrapped up so deeply that she didn’t realise that she was finally getting a response back from you. 

“Y/n/n?” she asked when she answered. 

“Kia. Are you okay? Aneka called me after I left her house and told me that you had called her nonstop.” You asked her, feeling anxious about why she had called you 45 times in the last 6 hours. 

“Where are you?” she sniffled out.

“I went to Shashi’s house.” you said.

Nakia’s blood froze.

“I’m coming. Don’t move.” 

In 45 minutes Nakia was at the door of Shashi’s house, practically banging the door down. 

“Nakia?! What’s going on?” you asked her as she searched your face for any injuries. 

She spun you around a few times making sure that you were completely intact. 

“I’m okay.” you said, smiling as she finally seemed to calm down. 

For what felt like the millionth time that year, tears formed in her eyes. They were happy tears though. Tears of relief and joy. You opened your arms to her, allowing her to come into your embrace as the tears came in waves. 

You kissed the top of her head. “I’m okay, sthandwa. I’m okay.” 

She lifted her head at the term of endearment, but got distracted by the bigger question in her mind. 

“If you’re fine, why are you here?” 

You sat her down on one of the chairs that sat in the living room and told her about what you had been doing. 

You told her about going to look for a house of your own with Aneka around where she and Ayo lived, having liked the houses there for months. When you were finished searching and Aneka left to do something important, you’d decided to take one last trip to the house where it all started. 

“I came here to see it for the last time.” you breathed out. 

“I found some of her stuff still here. I found the phone that she used to use to call him. It had calls. Texts. Emails. Just a whole lot of conversations between the two of them from the same year that she adopted me all the way to the day I was taken.” 

Nakia tried to keep up with what you were telling her but she was stuck at one point. 

“You’re moving out of the palace? Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

You hesitated for a second, not sure if you wanted to have that conversation at that moment. Deciding that you did, you took one of her hands, “I didn’t know what would happen to us. What would happen to you.”

“What would happen to me?” she questioned, nearly taking her hand away at the implication that you were making. 

“I just mean that I didn’t know whether you’d want to come with me or stay.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to come with you?”

Another pause stood between your conversation. 

"Y/n," she repeated, "why wouldn't I want to come with you?"

“Because your world seems to revolve around me.” 

“No it doesn’t” 

“Nakia…would you have become a Wardog if you weren't looking for me?"

Nakia paused, stumped "I…I don't know." She sighed. “Why does that matter anyway?” 

"It matters because I love you, Nakia. I love you, and I think you love me but I'm not sure if I can trust that you really love me or just don't know who you are without me. I've taken up most of your life with being gone. You never allowed yourself to find out who you were outside of being my protector. I don’t want to keep dragging you along with me if you’re tired. I want you to have a life outside of me.”

Nakia understood that. "What happens if I don't like who I am without you?"

"I'm not going anywhere. If you're struggling with finding out who you are, I'm gonna be here just like you were with me. I love you." 

"You love me?" She asked. 

“I do.” 

"And you'll stay with me while I figure it all out?" 

You nodded, "I'll stay with you as long as you'll have me." 

2 years later- The Epilogue. 

What happens after? 

What happens once the person you've been looking for all your life is found and there's nothing else to do?

What happens after your life stops being a deadly situation?

What happens after you've found home in yourself again? After you've started to see yourself as human again. 

What happens when the main driving factor for you waking up is no longer out of reach. When you've got everything to live for, but nothing to fight for?

Nakia questioned herself everyday. Who was she when there was nothing to fight for? Or nothing to prove.

She spent decades fighting for the same thing, getting it and only noticing then that that one thing wasn't her whole being.

Having to find out what life without you meant to her was more than challenging. She had to rethink all the decisions she made while you were gone. Going deeply into finding out why she made them. Whether it was for you or for her. 

She spent weeks away from you, trying to find out what happened next.

When she got back, she was still unsure. But that was okay. There was always more after to come. If this after didn't work, she would find another one. 

Nakia's jet came down from the sky, arriving back home after 3 months of going around to help with Wakanda’s new outreach centre's. 

Getting out of it, the ground felt softer and the air clearer. 

She smiled.

She was home. 

Where the sky glistened both in the day and night. 

Where she could take a break and be alone. 

Where she was all of herself. Not a single piece missing.

She walked down the busy paths on her way to where she lived. She did it slowly. Letting anything distract her. 

There wasn’t a timeliness for what she did anymore. She didn't need to walk like the world was chasing her. Now, she was a part of the world that she'd so long felt separated from. 

She was free to go where she pleased without any guilt. 

That's why she ended up going to the river instead of straight home. 

The water was a part of her before, holding her fondest memories worthy of cherishing. But it was also going to be a permanent part of her after. It would hold better memories. Ones that she could think of without feeling guilty.

She didn't stay long. Wanting to get some sleep for once. 

She went to her house, expecting it to be empty. 

She was right. 

It was quiet when she entered. Nobody was there. 

She went to her bedroom, settling in bed. 

She had people that she could call when she woke up. That’s if she wanted to  go out. It had been a long trip back, so she would have to see how she felt when she woke up. 

She slept for a few hours, waking up only when the sun was going down and she felt the need to get up.

Sitting in her living room, she heard a click at the door. Smiling, she stood up from her chair. 

The door opened, and you walked into your home, looking down at the door in confusion. You hadn’t left it unlocked. 

You looked up, and saw her. Nearly dropping your things. 

“My love.” she said with a smirk, seeing the expression on your face.

“You're home!” you said, putting down your things. 

You nearly fell over yourself trying to get to her. You took no time going to hug her. 3 months without her had been torture. 

You held her head softly, as she held yours.

“I’m home.” she whispered, feeling the emotions coming up. 

It had been the longest 3 months of her life. It had been good for her, but it was still the longest. 

“I missed you,” she said. 

It was the 3rd time that she’s gone on the same trip, so you were more prepared than the first 2 times. You knew that it was the best for the both of you.

But it was just as hard. You were glad to have her back in your arms. 

“I missed you more than I've missed anyone in my entire life.” you said. 

Looking at her, your lips met in a tender kiss. 

You let her take the lead, holding you like she’d never let you go ever again. 

You tried to keep up, gasping for air in the middle. With her arms around your waist, she whispered. “I love you.”

She let your lips linger.

“You look good in that.” she said. 

You looked down at your trainer uniform, laughing. It resembled the Dora Milaje uniform a lot, but there were a few differences in colour. Yours had more green and blue in it by your request. It was to represent the river. Your strength in your after. 

“I do. Don’t I?”

The two of you sat outside in your porch swing , looking out at your water. 

Nakia looked at you wide eyes as you updated her on what you were doing while she was gone.  

“So you left and they just stopped training?” she asked. 

You nodded in dismay. “When I asked them what they had worked on while I was gone, one of them tried to show me something she learned 4 weeks before I left.”

“How long were you gone?”

 "3 weeks!” you ranted, making Nakia cover her mouth with her hand as she chuckled. “If they become Dora’s by spring, I’ll be surprised.”

“They're  almost as bad as you were when we were younger.” she said. 

You eyed her, “I remember being better than a certain somebody” 

“Better than who?” she questioned, testing to see if you were willing so go there.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” you asked with a smirk.

“I do, actually.” 

“I think that I was better at-” she looked at you sharply. She was ready to get up to pin you down.

“YOU. You were better at combat.”

“That's what I thought I heard.” she said, happy with that. You didn’t argue. 

She had your heart. You had hers. 

You were her after…

And she was yours. 

[singitforthegirls]

These are the bits from the Tvline article I'm all 🤔🤔🤔👀👀👀🤯😳🤣 about.

TVLine has confirmed with Tim Minear that we won’t be getting a traditional “Eddie’s Mustache Begins” episode, but the showrunner was more than happy to share the “serendipitous” origins of Ryan Guzman‘s facial hair himself.

Eddie's mustache begins 🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Ryan had a lot of facial hair during the hiatus,” Minear recalls. “He had a beard, too. So we were getting ready to shoot, and he still had the ‘stache. And actually it was Kenny Choi who took a picture and sent it to me. He was like, ‘You have to let him keep this.’ He thought it was great, and I’m a sucker for Kenny Choi.”

'He had a beard too' lolol. Yes, and now that was really lovely. 😍 But lol, so he had the 'stache already.

Kenny Choi, nr. 1 'stache lover of all time. Lol.

As the season continues, however, we’ll discover that Eddie’s facial hair is really “a manifestation of something that’s going on within him.” In fact, spoiler alert: “We’re going to actually explicitly state that in an episode where he shaves it off,” Minear reveals.

IF THIS DOESN'T MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS, I SWEAR TO GOD, TIM. *shakes fist at the sky*

And Eddie certainly has a lot of introspecting to do, following the damage he inflicted on his little family last season; Eddie had an emotional affair with his late wife’s look-alike, making Christopher so angry that he decided to live with his grandparents in Texas. “I know for sure that in the first episode [of Season 8], we likely won’t see Eddie and Christopher together,” Guzman told TVLine in May. “My hope is that Eddie has a good portion of time without Christopher, which would allow him the opportunity to find new structure, maybe rework who he is a little bit and find new textures of life for him.”

'following the damage he inflicted on his little family last season' his little family 🥺🥺🥺

'maybe rework who he is a little bit and find new textures of life for him.' 🤔🤔🤔👀👀

Then again, Eddie isn’t the only member of the 118 to get a makeover this season. “I think Oliver [Stark]’s hair is a little curlier this year,” Minear says.

Sure. But is he tryin to say there's a reson for that too? 🤔🤔👀

We mustache you, 9-1-1 fans: Are you digging Eddie’s new look? Drop a comment with your thoughts below.

Lolol. 🤣

[rose-from-ashes]

I think that the reason Emet means so much to me, enough that I have cried over him multiple times before when I rarely cry ever, is because I want to take care of him. He reminds me of me before I was in therapy. I wasn't actually always as kind as I try to be now. I used to be very mean, in fact, and I still fuck up sometimes. Because I struggle with hyper empathy, so intense that being around others when they're not doing well causes me to shut down. I ended up snapping at people because they made me worry. I desperately wanted to protect those around me with that cruelty because I had lost people.

I still struggle with the urge to take care of others warring with the urge to drive them away. Emet does too. His whole character comes down to this concept of grief and care and love causing him to be harsh and cruel and mean. Even outside of that, I see other traits of myself in him. His level of emotion gets him mocked. His odd sense of humor, too, one that I share. His fashion, his queer coding. Writing him, seeing him, and loving him feels healing.

I'm a lot more healed than he is. Largely because I've lost a lot less, and seen a lot less. I have the bonus of mortality and friends who can relate to me without being too damaged to function themselves. But, it's still hard sometimes. This fictional man keeps me company in that. I can write out things I wouldn't consider with myself.

Of course he's also got parts of himself I can't relate to at all. He's his own guy. I love to hurt him and do wild plots with him and all kinds of stuff, like any other muse. But he is special to me, I think. All of them are, but I'm only planning to get a tattoo relating to Emet, so I think that says something about what an incredible character he is.

Square Enix is beyond flawed, but I will always thank them for giving me this. And I will thank Emet himself, fictional though he may be, for keeping me company, and being himself. And lastly, I will thank all of you, for bringing me so much more joy with him than I could have had by myself. You make my life all the more special.

I'm not going anywhere with this, this isn't a leadup to anything. Just having a hard day and feeling introspective. Thanks. <3

[yuv4na]

Harmonies in the Cosmos: Exploring 'The Dark Side of the Moon,' 'Twin Fantasy,' and 'Anveshna' – A Sonic Odyssey

Hello there,

I'm that person who always has her headphones on (yes, I'm listening to music right now). From bouncing between various music phases, I've evolved into the "everything" listener. Lately, I've been drawn to albums with meaningful themes that thread all their songs together. It just clicks, you know? So, if you're someone like me, here are a few albums with beautifully woven themes that deserve a spot in your playlist.

1) THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON - by pink floyd

So, "The Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd? That album is like a deep dive into the human psyche, you know? Released back in '73, it's like a musical journey exploring life, time, and the not-so-sunny sides of being human. Time is a big player here – tick-tocking clocks and all. It's like a constant reminder that life's ticking away, urging you to ponder how you're spending your precious moments. And then there's "Brain Damage" shining a light on the fine line between sanity and madness, delving into the mental health rollercoaster. But it's not just introspective stuff; they take a swipe at society too. "Money" and "Us and Them" throws shade at the dehumanizing grind, the rat race, and the whole conformity circus. Pink Floyd was like, "Let's talk about the real stuff," you know? And like a cherry on the top, the songs flow seamlessly into one another, creating a continuous musical experience, so get ready for a fully immersive experience. It's an album that hits you in the feels and makes you think – a timeless classic for sure.

2) TWIN FANTASY - by car seat headrest

Twin Fantasy is like a musical rollercoaster through the twists and turns of love, relationships, and self-discovery. It's like Will Toledo decided to spill his heart out on every track, creating this coming-of-age masterpiece that's basically a soundtrack to the messy, beautiful journey of growing up. The whole album feels like a personal diary set to music, you know? With the title "Twin Fantasy," it's like Toledo is playing around with this idea of duality, maybe reflecting the internal tug-of-war we all go through when trying to figure ourselves out. There's this mirrored quality to the narrative that adds this extra layer of complexity. And the lyrics? they're like a direct line to Toledo's soul. It's like he's baring it all – the struggles of getting close to someone, the impact of mental health on relationships, and the whole messy business of trying to figure out who you are. Something I love about he album is that It's not just a bunch of tracks; it's a cohesive story. Each song is like a chapter in this novel of emotions. And the vulnerability! It's refreshing how honest and raw Toledo gets. Listening to "Twin Fantasy" is like taking a deep dive into the complexities of relationships and self-discovery. It's relatable on so many levels – like Toledo is narrating the soundtrack of our own messy, beautiful lives.

3) ANVESHNA - by arpit bala

"Anveshna" isn't just an album; it's a journey through the labyrinth of human emotions, skillfully crafted by Arpit Bala alongside Sangeetkir and A.O.D. The very essence of the title, meaning 'to find something,' sets the stage for a narrative that delves into the story of a lost soul going through a heartache. Arpit Bala seems to have poured his heart and soul into this creation, turning it into a personalized exploration of obsession, heartbreak, and self-doubt. It's like he's inviting you to step into his world and feel every chord, every beat, and every lyric as if they were tailor-made for your own emotional journey.What makes "Anveshna" truly exceptional is its seamless storytelling. As you listen, you can't help but be swept away by the cohesion of the four tracks. The beauty lies in how each song flows effortlessly and gracefully into the next.In essence, "Anveshna" is not just an auditory experience; it's a personal odyssey. This album is like an invitation to feel, to reflect, and to find something within yourself.

[mischas]

one of the things that really stands out to me in mischa's recounting plus what we see from ben is that both then and now, she demonstrates greater emotional maturity and actually compassion. first in actually being the one to end the relationship - regardless of brandon being his own shitshow, it actually demonstrates a level of maturity to recognise you're not ready for a relationship with your 8 years senior co-star.

her account of it now really shows again a lot of maturity in calling out the ways it was damaging and hurtful, but not becoming petty and vindictive. even now, she actually had enough compassion/emotional understanding to recall there was something genuine there which translated onscreen (by no means advocating their relationship but life is complex with multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotional truths!) meanwhile, ben, the man who should have known better, doesn't seem to have moved past whatever grudge he held, to demonstrate any real empathy or introspection! and to think ben was always viewed as mr nice guy and she was the ungrateful diva - mischa deserves justice!

I know right, I keep going back to this quote from CHD:

"You just kind of know what you don't want, you don't know what you do want."

It's really powerful and such a good way of describing what it feels like to be young and not have all the right tools just yet. And she emphasizes again and again that so many of her firsts happened in this era. I think this relationship was quickly becoming her entire world and that was not only a lot but something she realized she didn't want. Mischa was the only actually emotionally mature one in this whole mess including producers which is downright insane. And to think they held it over her head not only in set treatment but in the writing! I knew they hated her bad but man alive....

And you're right. I think Mischa shows him grace to not lay every single thing wrong with the situation at his feet. It's complicated to revisit something like this 20 years later with all the various contexts that we know and some I'm sure we still don't. For her to say there was, at some point, genuine friendship and love underneath everything else at the end of the day says a lot. This relationship didn't exist in a vacuum and it's also not something that fully ended when it actually ended either. Your mention of "life is complex with multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotional truths!" is right on the money here. I actually think she was way nicer about him than she could've (and should've) been. But her saying it at all is really brave because literally no one involved thought she would, least of all the man himself. And it's such a great move on her part. I'm so proud.

Also yes, whack him for me. I've been over his self-righteousness for a while now, especially considering how the show let her take the fall for 20 years for basically every problem the set ever had.

[laceratedlamiaceae]

Ed, Olu

(character ask game)

ooh okay I'll start with Oluwande and put Ed under the cut because I can't help being a bitch about him sorry

how I feel about the character: I used to not really like him that much because I thought he was too nice, but I've since gotten into the awkward energy of lines like "I'm gonna try to undo some of the damage from that interaction" and now I think he's pretty cool. OTP: Tealoranges, of course. (Is that the generally accepted ship name for Jim/Oluwande? it's the one I've been using). OT3: I'm intrigued by Jim/Oluwande/Spanish Jackie. NOTP: Honestly shipping him with anyone other than Jim would just feel wrong to me, but I guess the worst would be Oluwande/Stede. favorite bromance: Frenchie. Their whole thing in episode 5 was so good. favorite family dynamic: When the whole crew unanimously votes him as captain. He was only captain for like half a second but I love the way they all trusted him to lead them and we'd better get more of that in season 2. favorite canon thing about them: I'm not quite sure how to put this, but he just has good vibes. Whenever he's on screen it just feels nice to see him there. So I guess my favorite canon thing about him is just that he's there lol. favorite headcanon: He was trying to get with Jim for months before they killed Jackie's husband and the two of them had to run away, they just didn't pick up on it at all until they were in a life-threatening situation. Like there's no way he would be good at flirting and you know Jim would be into mortal peril.

how I feel about the character: I hate him. I've actually done a lot of introspection as to why and I think the main reason is that I envy him--why does he get to be such a whiny, emotional, annoying, sad, pathetic, crybaby little bitch and still be loved when I never did? I know that's wrong and I'm trying to get over it though. (that being said I do also just find his general mannerisms annoying too. that bit in episode 4 where he's trying to show Izzy the model ship when Izzy obviously doesn't care is so grating on me) OTP: That post I reblogged a while ago going "I love blackbonnet because I wouldn't want to inflict them on anyone else" was so true. OT3: The only option I can even think of is steddyhands, and while I used to be kind of into them I'm not anymore, so I'll just make one up and say Spanish Jackie/Ed/Jim because he needs two terrifying people to keep him steady. NOTP: I'm tempted to say blackhands just because Izzy is my favorite character and I don't want him with my least favorite, but I do sometimes get into the tragedy of them so I think I'll go with Ed/Frenchie, just because I've actually seen that one and it does not do it for me. favorite bromance: uhh I guess the friendship that once existed between him and Izzy in my mind? favorite family dynamic: I love how his mom tried preparing him for the harsh realities of life and ended up unwittingly reinforcing harmful beliefs that would haunt him well into middle age. That was so real. favorite canon thing about them: He is very sexy with the beard and the leather, I'll give him that. favorite headcanon: He, like Frenchie, is deathly afraid of cats. I just think that would be funny.

[silenthillmutual]

7, 12, 17, 23, 29, 78

sorry i'm answering so late the adhd hit me hard yesterday!!!

Post a snippet from a wip.

Harry counts backwards from five, swallowing a bubble of air. Wrong move; his body rages against the pocket making its way down to his stomach, threatening to heave up all the contents that have yet to settle. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Everything is fine. “I could ask you the same thing,” he says evenly. “Is there a hospital in Brahms? We have to get you checked out, make sure that thing didn’t do any lasting damage.”

from my harry mason wip :) i have no idea where i'm going with it, but then again most of what i've written for silent hill has just been introspective

Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

i outline some of them! there's a vague outline i'm working on right now for the next bloodborne fic i'm gonna write. i tend to write my outlines for fic similarly to how i wrote papers for school, but they're really just a guideline to give me an idea of what to write where. the most detailed outline i wrote was for honey & venom because i was trying to write the longest fic i could, so i really needed that guidance.

Do you have a writing routine?

not really! writing is one of those things i can do whenever, wherever. it doesn't always turn out good, but i like to try a variety of things throughout the day to try and get some writing done. maybe a routine would help me?

Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

oh... i think maybe the middle is the easiest. that's when i tend to get into the flow of writing, without being as self-conscious about what i'm writing. it's the ending that's hardest for me, because i have the worst time determining how to end fics. i try to let them find a natural end, but it usually feels so lackluster to me.

What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

i'm proud of the way i write characters in emotional distress. i've worked a lot on descriptions, trying to explain what it's like to be going through an episode or what have you, and i think i usually pull it off pretty well!

What motivates you during the writing process?

usually it's wanting to share what i've written with others, but i've been trying to change my reasons for writing so that i don't focus so much on the potential for getting attention. that hasn't been healthy for me. instead, i'm just trying to write for the joy of writing, and if others like it, then that's great!

thank u for the questions :)

fic writing asks~

[sneakerdoodle]

it's the New Year soon (one of my favorite things ever!!!!) and that's making me introspective so i'm gonna be Sappy about my personal life and my Love life and like, overshare a lot and hopefully not feel embarrassed about it and just be excited and happy about all the good things in my life, and there is no like big statement here i'm just gonna gush!!!!! yeah!!!!!!

it's been a year and almost 8 months since Fleur and i got engaged, (about a year and a half since we were like, "yep, we're engaged in a Gay way" fgdhjdshdjk) and it's been about 5 years since we became friends, and it was actually on a New Year's eve that i first reached out to them directly and we started talking a couple of months after that, and it was a Weird Weird very hard time in my life! the first half of 2017 was just really heavily loaded with a lot of personal realizations, pain, trauma processing, subtle emotional estrangement from my family as i came to be more acutely aware of my lgbtq+ identity, realizing i was stuck in a VERY bad damaging friendship and dreading any way of getting out of it, all the works; just, a HORRID time all around. and we weren't talking that much yet, but this like... weird cocoon of scared scary isolation was being breached a little bit by this person who i genuinely thought was SO SO COOL choosing to interact with me however casually, and it meant a lot... and then when i got through the scariest most confusing parts of it and created more space for Myself to exist in my own life, i just, got slammed with this HUGE weight of not-yet-fully-processed trauma that felt like it literally shook the very foundations of my life, and Fleur was the first person i talked to about it and their unwavering compassion and acceptance literally meant the WORLD.

i was like. are we friends is this my friend now!!!!! oh my god! and it was absolutely LIFE-CHANGING cause all the factors combining, like the very bad friendship experience and the newly processed personal realizations made connecting with others so WEIRD. there was a time when i was genuinely terrified of the idea of making a new friend because i was so deeply convinced friendship was so supposed to hurt and be absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking, and then i realized some things about the world and myself that still make it both so so so hard to trust other people OR feel like they would genuinely love me if they actually knew me, and i spent the December of 2017 with this acute, persistent, haunting feeling of complete disconnect from the world and other people, like no connection i could make would actually count, like i could not possibly occupy a meaningful place in others' lives, like if i died nothing would have changed for anyone because i was so easily replaceable. because i just came out of a state in which i was treated as completely irreplaceable, treated jealously, held captive by another person's emotional stability and both hailed as their savior and despised for not being enough to make things truly alright; and having to break a bond this intense made everything else feel just so much... flatter, disconnected, like no one who didn't try to make my entire life about themself actually wanted me that much or in any way that mattered. and through that, still, i had Fleur to talk to, and that meant so so MUCH. i had another friend group that i regularly closely interacted, but unfortunately i wasn't very very good at being Friends with them because of everything that made processing Friendship and Connection so hard; to this day, it's hard, i never feel comfortable taking up space, i never feel comfortable sharing my pain, i never feel comfortable asking for things, and it's really really hard to process the idea of someone really Caring about me, and i am still far too afraid of letting people Know things about me and unable to believe they would genuinely like me if they did. and at the time, i would just... not be able to process the fact that i would talk to someone a lot and know personal things about them as us being Friends, however cold that sounds.

but with Fleur there was always just this!! ease... it felt right to message them first and it felt right to talk to them and tell them all the little details of my day and not feel like i was bothering them; it felt right to request comfort from them, and it meant the world that i could trust them with like, Everything in my life. every bit.

a lot a lot a lot a lot of things have happened in our lives since then, and many things happened between us, but through it all our bond was always just so... unparalleled. before the big damaging friendship i moved through my life very faintly aware of myself, and there was little intense emotional honesty i would find anywhere, be it with my family (who mostly just made their big emotions my problem rather than a point of connection and a reason to communicate) or with my childhood friends with whom i couldn't really connect on a personal level because there was so much i didn't understand and so little emotional maturity and relationship experience i possessed. then the big bad friendship came along, and it was a stark contrast to Everything else, because of how intense and open and Bleeding with emotion it was, how it demanded my full presence, my entire heart, how Alive and Awake it made me feel and how aware of the world. but there was still little space in it for myself, and the intensity came at too high a price, and there was little communication and emotional growth happening there, either.

and i don't really like, possess Dating Experience outside of a few months with someone who wasn't a bad person but wasn't a good friend to me. we knew each other long enough before starting to date but there was little like, vulnerability and emotional security in that relationship, they didn't really Know me and these days i am completely dumbfounded at the fact that i didn't feel extremely intimidated by and insecure about maintaining a very involved close relationship with someone i didn't have a direct and tried channel of communication with; it was truly just extremely amatonormative (in the sense that, i was interpreting the meaning of romance from general expectation and formalities of it and celebrating it on those grounds because it was exciting to be liked and flirted with, but i wasn't really inspecting whether there was a good relationship basis to that specific romantic experience and what I wanted from my partner other than, "being my partner" lol). there was no desire to really know me, including through the uncomfortable parts, there was no readiness to pause to talk things through, no honesty and openness and desire to communicate, no intent to hear me out and do the hard things that would keep me safer and happier, like inspecting certain life choices or confronting actions of other people, etc. and i guess now that i know we weren't such close friends to begin with it makes sense that person wouldn't want to do all of that for me! but it's just so Weird that i wanted to date someone who wasn't a close friend of mine or someone who Wanted to be a closer friend of mine and was committed to building a good, strong relationship with me. i feel like the way they saw me was just... very soft and mellow and nice, and i wasn't being used or anything but i wasn't being Known as a person.

all of this is to say: i've never had a good, solid, close relationship before meeting Fleur; everything else was either detached and surface-level and arising from me and the other person generally not minding each other's company, OR was intense to a destructive degree and equated emotional openness with devastating codependency. so like. i'm not actually good at having friends OR being in a relationship and i still really struggle with connecting with people and am generally very very isolated as a person;

but i AM good at being friends with Fleur, and being in a relationship with them... there is a lot a lot a lot a lot that i'm learning; a year and 8 months is a long time, and one would Think we would've settled into a routine by now, but so much keeps changing. my country is changing horribly and drastically every day. our plans keep changing, getting disrupted, delayed, we keep fighting and fighting to get a chance to just, live together, and it keeps getting ripped out of our hands, and it's Hard and rocky and uncertain. i was lucky enough to spend 5 whole months sharing a house with them, and, gosh, it felt so wonderful to settle into a domestic routine with that, but now we have to get used to being apart again, and it's like we're just... wobbling and wobbling and wobbling and waiting for a time we can just, start Living our Life and learning the true shape of it... but i'm just really really grateful for everything i am getting to learn about what living and being together means, and so impatient to start doing that full-time without a timer over our heads...

and it's just!! so weird and special because this relationship we share is the most magical unexplainable Unparalleled experience of my life that doesn't compare to anything else, and at the same time it feels like... the most Normal one. it's emotional and involved and honest and intense but in a way that is like... softer, caring, and has the context of this... good domestic life we share every day. the hard emotional parts require Work and the work isn't always like, dramatically romanticized, sometimes it's just Hard and sometimes scary, but that's just like... normal. in a way that doesn't shy away from the hard things but doesn't let the hard things destroy the love and care we always always hold for each other. and i feel like... that's life? i feel like i was never allowed to live Life, it was either muted and the harsh parts of it overlooked, or it was so oversaturated with defiant abandon that left no room for love and softness and hope, or for my needs and feelings, and both of those are just... such weird, detached representations of it. and now i'm learning what Life is, and gosh, sometimes life is just... really really hard, and at some point you become unable to glorify your way through the very messy parts of it; but that's the life i'm supposed to be living, and it feels... normal. like it has a future, like it has meaning, like it's sustainable and right and gives me time and space to figure out what i want it to look like. i am just so so grateful for having a relationship that can envelop Both of us fully, the soft parts and the silly parts and the hard parts and the sad parts and the mushy gay parts and so on :' ) and at the end there is no one word to describe it cause it's just, Life, and that can be so so weird sometimes but it's never Wrong

Fleur if you're reading this i love you very very much, and i cannot wait to start truly living together in every small physical expression of it, without having to wait and guess and deal with all the uncertainty of it <3

[haarute]

sorry that this is late but for that long list of ask me things #4

4: What do you think about most?

okay this will be a lot

i don't have a particular thing i think about throughout the day as i usually get distracted by whatever i come across with work, hobbies, social media, etc. so what i think about the most would have to be a recurring thought in the long-term, which for me, is almost daily constant introspection.

without getting into too many details let's say i hit a major depressive episode i never fully recovered from at age 15 and just kinda shut down. i ran away from the things that hurt me (which historically is a recurring bad habit of mine), leaving people close to me behind when i shouldn't have because i wanted to be alone.

but since humans are social creatures, after a while i tried to meet new people and get along with them, but in retrospect those relationships were shallow and desperate. it's incredibly easy to just say nice things to people who need to hear them until they like you, but you're not actually forming a connection because you're not a real person, and often times, neither is the other party. you're just leeching off of each other with the illusion of kindness.

eventually that led to a another episode followed by the thought that i kept hurting people by not being able to keep my emotions in check and just acting out of selfish impulses. so i decided to completely dedicate myself to "improving" my person so that i wouldn't have to hurt anyone again.

i'm a few weeks away from being 27 now, and i've spent almost 10 years essentially running therapy sessions with myself every day. going over all of my life events, my feelings, my actions, and how to best minimize the amount of "damage" i inflict on others which has mostly led me to a hermit lifestyle. but let's be honest, that's also partially an excuse because i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

now the problem with that mentality is obviously thinking that suppressing my ego is somehow a good thing and not an incredibly damaging thing to do not only for me but for anyone that might care about me, which is not something i have any control over.

this is a mentality that i am just finally starting to grow out of almost a decade later, but it's really hard and i still default to seeing myself and any of my wants or needs (or even other people's) as something inherently bad. desire as something inherently selfish. and we could tie a plethora of gender issues imparted onto me by my upbringing and immediate family into this, but let's not go there today.

ultimately the place where i land now is one where i'm realizing how much of my life has been lost already, and how much of my decisions have been super damaging for literally everyone involved. which to my surprise, and even if i try to be as alone as possible, goes beyond only me.

so now i'm starting to actually allow myself to express my true feelings a bit more. i try to be a bit more outspoken and reach out to others and maybe even make friends, except this time i'm like a real normal person and not someone running simulations in order to be liked. fun fact, i believe i may be autistic and would like to get a diagnosis sometime this year.

however, circling back to the original question (because there was a question at the beginning of this), i have done this for so long that it's almost impossible for me to stop the way my brain works now. i think i've forever been rewired into analyzing everything and trying to problem solve my humanity, which is something that is unquantifiable. but i am always trying, if anything, to be a better person, except now i can tell that i shouldn't suppress my own self for that goal. but it is very much a daily process for me.

in a different life, i probably would have been a buddhist monk.

[nadas-dirthalen]

Ohhhh, that codex slipped my mind and I am so happy you brought it up! Let me take a crack at it and make some guesses, based on what we've learned.

(I wrote so much. Oh boy. Cut for length. <3)

First, a little context to help us frame our understanding. It seems like these notes, in the Wolf's Den in the Lighthouse, do have to do with the reparation of the lyrium idol/dagger, and they make mention of the use of the Anchor to accomplish that. We know the purpose of the dagger is to eventually tear through the Veil and move the Evanuris, so Solas is thinking about ways for him to tear through the Veil that the Evanuris cannot replicate, so they can't escape.

These dense research notes appear to be studies of the Veil, ritual experiments, and conversations with spirits. A few passages stand out: Rifts in this Veil are spawned by death and bloodshed, or their memory. Even mortal regrets have such power. The Evanuris are not given to introspection: erosion of the walls about them may run slow. Their callousness is half their binding.

These two sentences I've bolded tell me a lot.

Even mortal regrets have such power. — This means the power to tear through the Veil. With what we know about the lyrium dagger now thanks to John Epler, we can guess that Solas might be talking about his mortal regrets stored within the lyrium idol. Thus he is saying: the sheer POWER of his sorrow and care is enough to tear through the Veil, in the same way death/bloodshed have been enough to bring spirits through. This suggests that grief is among the things that tear the Veil, not just physical blood. That would also explain why he's not sacrificing a gigantic pile of slaves like the Magisters Sidereal did long ago. Solas carries all that death on his conscience, so he doesn't need to actually kill people to cross over.

The Evanuris are not given to introspection: erosion of the walls about them may run slow. — Now that Solas knows that he can get into the Fade with the power of his Ragrets™ alone, he needs to make sure that the Evanuris can't use the same thing to get out. That's why he's saying this: the Evanuris don't blame themselves for the deaths that occurred in their empire. Because they don't carry that grief, they can't just Sorrow™ their way through the Veil. They would need to do things like the Magisters Sidereal, murdering a pile of people that they have no access to before they can get through the Veil.

Now, we have to ask ourselves: what is the difference between Solas and Rook? Why can't he get out without the dagger, but Rook can? And I think the difference is this: Solas and Rook both carry regrets, but Rook shows that they are taking the steps to move through those regrets. I don't think Rook has it 100% totally figured out before they leave the prison, but being able to start on the path toward acceptance (where Solas is stuck) is what lets their companions reach them even without the dagger. Solas still DOES need the dagger, which I think is crystallized emotion that allows him passage even without having processed his feelings (additionally, Rook is inside the prison, and it seems like Solas might be less completely escaping and more doing a bait-and-switch with Rook, just like Rook does with the dagger later depending on your choices.)

Taken together, these sentences seem to say, "Okay. I have my way in (the regret housed in the lyrium idol). And I'm pretty sure the Evanuris, once they're secured in a new prison, won't find a way out."

Elsewhere, around an anatomical sketch: Reclaimed. Though damaged beyond repair, the Anchor's condition—used to both mend and destroy—is fascinating. A detailed study will consume what remains. But it may also yield the final elements that have eluded me.

Reclaimed. — This is just an indicator of time, to me. Solas has reclaimed the Anchor when this piece of his research was written, which puts everything after this word after 9:44 Dragon (aka, Trespasser).

Used to both mend and destroy. — This tells me about the kinds of things the Anchor can do, even when outside an orb (or the Inquisitor's hand). We know that the Anchor was from one of the orbs that the Evanuris used, meaning it was made of the sundered dreams of a Titan (aka, part of a Titan's spirit, if not the entire spirit). I've long theorized that the Fade is the sundered collective consciousness of the Titans, and so it makes 100% sense to me that something made of lyrium (their blood) could both mend or destroy the Veil between the Titans' bodies and the "Isatunoll" they have between each other.

A detailed study will consume what remains. — Solas is doing experiments that are consuming the Anchor! If we remember Inquisition, this is really, really volatile magic. Especially considering that the orb that once housed the Anchor has been shattered and lost.

But it may also yield the final elements that have eluded me. — Now THIS is interesting. It says that there is something about Solas' dagger that has confused him, a reason that he could not just immediately un-blight it and fix it and then get into the Black City immediately. There is something the Anchor can do that his dagger, it seems, cannot.

This is where Solas is telling himself it's time to take action and do something. But what, exactly, that something is, I could not say. The only clues I have are what I've posted above and the fact that all of this is written underneath an anatomical sketch. I wish I knew whether it was a drawing of Inky's hand or not: if it was, that might mean that Solas was looking at an interaction between the magical and the physical, and how magic bonded underneath Inky's skin to bestow the power to mend/break the Veil. He might have been looking to take that power into himself. But if it's anything else—like a heart—he might be trying to figure something out about sundering spirits, and shoving (potentially?) splintered June into the dagger to unlock the final elements, along with the Anchor (which, also, is the sundered dreams/spirit of a Titan).

Elsewhere, around a familiar ritual diagram: At last. All my sacrifices have paid for this: a perfect reparation.

This piece of the note says that Solas has done it: he has fixed his dagger.

Elsewhere, around a familiar ritual diagram. — This has to be a ritual that Rook is familiar with, which leaves the only option (?) to be the ritual they saw in the prologue. Less likely, they might (?) have known about Solas purifying the dagger before the events of DA:tV, depending on how much they uncovered with Varric (the Inquisition did know Solas was chasing the idol, after all).

All my sacrifices have paid for this. — This refers to everything between Solas waking up from Uthenera and the events of Veilguard. We know every sacrifice he made in DAI, but he's also referring to all the things he did to get the idol back (find it in Tevinter Nights!) and the events of The Missing comic (probably). This also implies that something else has come at great personal cost to him, which might be that ritual that Epler is describing.

It is nearly 3am, so this might be a tad disorganized, but it's the best I can summon this late at night! I hope it helped!

The Juicy Lore that Dragon Age Day 2024 Gave Us (Yes, Really!)

— PART ONE —

THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE WE ARE BACK! A bit of an interruption of the broad-spanning Veilguard one I've been chipping away at, but here we are!

Between the interviews and the AMA on Dragon Age Day 2024, my mind was blown. SO many delicious reveals were dropped! So sit down, make a cup of tea (and be sure to hide it from Solas), and come with me on this journey.

First up: the Evanuris, their archdemons, Solas' lyrium dagger... and how they all relate.

Cut for both spoilers and length. You've been warned :)

Yes, I know. The AMA will forever go down in infamy. Chances are that if you started thinking Dragon Age is dead forever after the AMA, I'm not going to revive you on that one. But for everyone who hasn't gone past the point of no return? Welcome.

While everyone else was declaring the devs their mortal nemeses over Invalid Pookie Takes™ (and harassing the guy who gave us Solas' face in Trespasser, no less, smh), my theorycrafting brain was churning. I mean... when is it not churning, really?

tl;dr? I think I understand how Solas purified his lyrium dagger, and why that ritual happened alone and was more dangerous than the ritual we see at the start of Veilguard.

Tonight's Discussion:

What caught my eye about the Evanuris

What REALLY happens when an archdemon dies

Remember what — and who — Solas absorbed from Mythal?

From blighted idol to lyrium multi-tool: Solas' other, solitary, more dangerous ritual

What Caught My Eye About the Evanuris

Obviously, Veilguard taught us a lot about the Evanuris. We know a lot more about their lives and deaths now, especially Mythal, Ghilan'nain, Elgar'nan, and (to an extent) Andruil.

Throughout Veilguard, it is made clear that since their archdemons died over the course of Thedas' history since the Magisters Sidereal broke into the Black City, five out of the seven Evanuris are off the table. However, in both the IGN interview from DA Day 2024 and in the AMA, John Epler hints that the truth may not be so simple, and that there is room for other possibilities.

Epler: Yeah, I mean, so we haven't been super explicit about what happens when the gods die. In my mind, they're either dead or they're the closest thing to it. [Source.]

Either dead or the closest thing to it. As I read this article before the AMA began, I was immediately firing on all cylinders.

At first, I thought perhaps it was a misquote, or something I wasn't reading properly. But then, the exact same sentiment came up in the AMA, as well as language around, "we haven't been specific!" that was used, in many instances, to suggest, "we haven't been specific... YET. Stay tuned!"

We haven't been SUPER specific about this, but at best the other Evanuris are a shadow of their former selves, and at worst they're dead. The death of their Archdemons, particularly when they were still trapped in the Fade, caused enough magical feedback that it broke their minds and bodies. A couple may have survived as shells, but they aren't in the same state as Ghilan'nain and Elgar'nan. [John]

Now, while I am not advocating for more Evanuris stories to take centre-stage (especially not at this juncture), I feel like this presents ample opportunity for a much longer discussion on Thedas' magic and what actually happens when a spirit is broken and one piece is lost.

This has amazing implications for a number of things, including an explanation on the difference between spirits and souls!

But, importantly for right now? This suggests that there is more to archdemons than we know, and there is more that goes on during the ending moment of a Blight than we think.

What REALLY Happens When an Archdemon Dies

Of course, we knew a lot of what happens when an Archdemon is killed. That much has been explained to us since Origins, and a lot of it gets repeated here—especially with how the Evanuris' Archdemons work exactly like Corypheus' Archdemon, which is something I'd theorized before Veilguard's release (even if I got other things wrong in that post! Which I did!).

But there's something new here, tucked in near the end:

Can you tell us about the fate of the other elven gods like Sylaise and June? Are these gods now mortal in the Fade after the defeat of their Archdemons, or were they weakened enough to die in their prison? Epler: Yeah, I mean, so we haven't been super explicit about what happens when the gods die. In my mind, they're either dead or they're the closest thing to it. When a Warden kills an Archdemon, in Origins and DA2 and DAI, before the Gods are out in the world, there is part of that elven god's spirit that is bound to that dragon. It finds the nearest source of Blight. Now, if it's a darkspawn, a darkspawn has a direct connection to the Blight. There's enough energy there for it to rebuild a body, rebuild itself as an Archdemon. When it goes into a Warden, that connection is very different and what ends up happening is essentially the fragment of the God spirit and the fragment of the Warden annihilate each other. So nothing to go back to the god. So if they're there, they're a shadow of their former self. But obviously when Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain come out, there's not that distance. There's not that need to use the Blight as essentially an in-between medium and they can just regain that fragment of their soul. They're now mortal, but they're just as powerful as they were before.

Not dead.

If they are there, they're a shadow of their former self.

I cannot believe so much of this fandom spent hours and hours bemoaning bad-faith interpretations of Epler's opinion on Solas when we had this! WE GOT THIS LORE!

THE EVANURIS DID NOT NECESSARILY DIE WHEN THEIR ARCHDEMONS DID!!! Do you know how HUGE that is?!

Not ONLY does it imply that we might see more Evanuris in future, but it tells us that sundered spirits go on! A person can live through that! And before you disparage John Epler for getting the lore wrong or some such thing, here's Corinne Busche immediately adding onto that:

Busche: And this is part of a theme within The Veilguard. We're tackling some pretty big subject matter, some of the largest outstanding mysteries within Dragon Age lore. So we want to tie up some of those loose ends, give really satisfying answers, but we also want to leave the door open just a little bit. So questions like that, what happens to the rest of the gods? Those are themes that we want to be able to explore, but also be able to advance the franchise.

But tonight? Tonight, I don't want to focus on what that might mean for spirits, for the Fade, and for magic.

Tonight, I want to focus on Solas.

Remember What — and Who — Solas Absorbed from Mythal?

In Veilguard, Morrigan says that Solas absorbed all of Mythal's power, while Morrigan is only in possession of Mythal's memories. This lines up with a devnote from DAI, taken from the post-credit eluvian scene:

Designer's Notes: This is Flemeth from the previous two games. In this game, Flemeth's story comes to a head -- she knew that Solas would summon her, and that he would need to steal her power to further his plans. She knew that because they are both elven gods…yet Solas has slept for a thousand years and his power dwindled, while she was killed long ago and a spark escaped from her into the body she now holds. She has nurtured that spark, and knew that Solas would need it. He was once her oldest friend, but she knows in his drive to save the elven people he will kill anyone -- even her. She intends to let him have the power, so long as she can pass the essence of her god-hood onto Morrigan, a gift Flemeth had always planned for her daughter yet one Morrigan misunderstood as hostile possession.

I remember the prologue of DA2, though, where Flemeth says that she has an "appointment to keep" in Denerim, where the Archdemon was just slain. Now, you could assume that she is going to grab Morrigan, but I think her purpose was twofold, considering Flemeth's later appearance in Inquisition.

I think she was after Urthemiel's soul. I've written before about how I think that there's no way BioWare would have her grab that soul in some world states and not others, especially considering how important Mythal is to the narrative of the entire DA franchise. I think Inquisition is how they had all those possible world states come to the same place.

I think that Mythal absorbed what was left of Urthemiel's soul after it was destroyed/sundered in Denerim. Just look at the Dalish legend surrounding the creation of Dirthamen from the broken remnants of Falon'DIn, a legend I am taking to be about them because of this video Ghil Dirthalen just released on the confirmed heads/helmets of every Evanuris. (Falon'Din is the sun! Dirthamen is the moon!!)

Elgar'nan had defeated his father, the sun, and all was covered in darkness. [...] It was at this moment that Mythal walked out of the sea of the earth's tears and onto the land. [...] Elgar'nan said he would release the sun if the sun promised to be gentle and to return to the earth each night. The sun, feeling remorse at what he had done, agreed. [...] And that night, when the sun had gone to sleep, Mythal gathered the glowing earth around his bed, and formed it into a sphere to be placed in the sky, a pale reflection of the sun's true glory. —Codex entry: Mythal: the Great Protector

I bring this up because I think Mythal is capable of taking the sundered remains of a broken/destroyed spirit and fashioning it back into something alive. When she did this with "the moon" (Dirthamen), another Evanuris was born. Therefore, Mythal is theoretically able to have taken the "annihilated" remains of Urthemiel's soul and reconstructed them into something functional, just like Dirthamen.

If Kieran was conceived instead of Urthemiel's soul being destroyed, that is why Flemeth shows up in DAI: because in some world states, she needs to grab it. (Also, the reveal was important to Morrigan, to the Well of Sorrows—but Kieran/Urthemiel is part of why.)

Therefore, in every world state, it is theoretically possible that Mythal is in possession of Urthemiel's complete, functioning soul. In every world state, it is also possible that Solas took it from her.

From Blighted Idol to Lyrium Multi-Tool: Solas' Other, Solitary, More Dangerous Ritual

This is where the small bits of lore revealed in the AMA and on IGN really got me thinking. This is because both mention something very specific and very unique: something we guessed at before, given everything in Tevinter Nights, but that we know more about now.

Solas' lyrium dagger in Veilguard comes from the red lyrium idol in Dragon Age 2. Solas purified it between Trespasser and Veilguard. But it's the description of how he did it that has me thinking.

As for how Solas cleansed the idol - another ritual. This one was much smaller scale, but a lot more dangerous. [John]

A lot more dangerous, Epler says. This is a detail that didn't have to be included, but was. A smaller-scale ritual implies that Solas was still alone, because he was alone in the Veilguard ritual as well and does not seem to like putting others through his rituals without due cause.

What could be more dangerous than bringing down the Veil and releasing the Evanuris? For a long time, I wondered this. But the context above led me down a very particular path. We know that the Archdemons' deaths don't mean the Evanuris' deaths. We also know that Mythal has the ability to scrape up the tiny, broken remains of spirits and fashion them into something functional. We also know Solas probably has possession of Urthemiel.

That's when it hit me.

Urthemiel, we know, is June's archdemon. That means it was June's spirit that was lost, then found again. June's spirit that is within Solas. And what is June known for?

The eluvians. Perfectly split lyrium crystals. The invention of all great elvhen technology, that Solas was able to alter (in the case of the Vi'Revas.)

I wondered, then, if the lyrium idol-turned-dagger would be any different than the Vi'Revas: June's technology, improved upon by Solas. I poked around to see what else Epler and Busche said on it:

Busche: One of the interesting properties of the idol has always been how inherently malleable it is. That's something very unique to it that we absolutely wanted to lean into. What was so fun for us is there were theories we saw out there in the fandom YouTube videos about what was this idol? And indeed did Solas convert it to the dagger and a credit to those fans that figured it out. I don't know how they pieced it together, but cheers to them. [Interviewer]: I've always wondered what the idol is actually to. Epler: Solas is a very nostalgic person. I'd say an idol to Mythal. It's his guilt, his regrets poured into this thing. Because, as Corinne said, it's malleable. That's the shape it took. [Source.]

It's malleable. It can be changed. It can hold regrets, which I have theorized might be spirits created by the strong emotion of regret (which would explain Skyhold's demon).

But also? What do we know it did, once, from DA:tV?

It held the splintered piece of a slain Evanuris.

What would explain all of these pieces of information? What would make sense of Solas being in possession of a piece of June? What would explain why this ritual to purify the idol was more dangerous than Solas attempting to tear down the Veil, yet we never heard of anyone who'd seen or remembered it? What would explain the nature of the purified dagger itself?

June. More specifically, I think that Solas, having absorbed June, sundered himself from that piece of June and implanted that piece into the lyrium idol/dagger. I believe this was part of purifying the dagger and making it into what we use in DA:tV.

This would also explain the dagger's nature: firstly, that it can tear through the Veil itself. We see this kind of separation magic in the Tears of June artifact.

But what else does the dagger do? It is a multi-tool that can adapt to anything. It does everything our companions can do, as if it is learning from them and replicating their abilities. Yes, this is a convenience/game mechanics thing, but I think it also has its basis in lore. After all, this has the same sort of effect that the Vi'Revas does, where Solas has built upon June's magic to change it in more malleable, versatile ways.

So there you have it: from a few responses in both the interviews and the AMA from Dragon Age Day 2024, I feel as though I have uncovered an entirely new layer to the story of the Evanuris, as well as a beautiful and grim explanation for how Solas was able to transform the red lyrium idol into the lyrium dagger we see in Veilguard.

And that, to me, is what made DA Day 2024 an exciting one.

________

Thanks for reading, if you've come this far! I know I'll do more of these, but can't promise when. IRL has me swamped in deadlines.

Rest assured, though: I won't rest until I cover the Blight, because I think it is nothing short of fascinating.