#I'll probably regret posting this and delete it later

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

Having relationships when you're neurodivergent can be so hard. I don't get a lot of nonverbal cues, or at least that's what I've been told. I can't really tell, so I just take their word for it. Apparently I come across as argumentative a lot when I never intend to. I was accused of being too clingy and "following them around like a lost puppy" when I thought I was just trying to have a conversation with someone I thought was a friend. If I'm overwhelmed I shut down and don't talk much, but then I'm accused of being standoffish. I get excited and have a tendency to talk too much about things I enjoy, so I've told for my entire life that if I talk about my interests I won't have any friends. I try to keep all this in mind and be on my best behavior, especially with the people I love most because I really don't want to run them off. I never notice until it is far too late that my friends stopped spending time with me. I'll find myself looking for them only to realize they don't want to be my friend anymore and I have absolutely no idea why. But I do know I struggle with communicating with people, so it must be my fault, right? Whenever I try to show how much I care about someone, I always seem to be doing it "wrong." I don't know what I did wrong, but whether I know what I did or not everyone eventually leaves me. I'm just not cut out to have friends.

[milkman-zahhak]

Was working on something before I forgot that I can't fucking draw.

Yeah this is what a grown-ass adult's art should look like, this is the quality expected of someone whose been drawing since they could grasp a pencil. This measly scribble is worth 2 days of effort using all my free time.

[starflungwaddledee]

been working on answering a prompt i received in an ask the other day, and so i'm back thinking about... the Thing... 💖🎀 and thought maybe prompt doodles might help me work through this a little?

so uhhh.... if by any wild chance anyone has any ship suggestions for starstruck...??? feel free to send them through!

[twilight-princess240]

I'm probably going to regret posting this and might delete it at some point, who knows, but I want to get this off my chest. I'll probably regret doing this on a public post on Tumblr later.

Is it weird to miss someone who you've only talked to briefly on here who deactivated their account for a reason or another, and since you don't know if there's any other social media out there they have along with the fact that you still didn't talk to them much, you'll probably never encounter them again?

Because that happened to me. I found an account by chance while perusing Tumblr, and I was interested in what posts were on there despite them being 18+ and NSFW. I honestly liked the content when looking through it and I even sent a message through the ask function admitting as such despite being unusually shy for some reason, maybe because at the time I didn't post anything (until my rant about my girl Alyssa Targaryen not too long ago) and I usually prefer to keep to myself.

I admittedly wasn't sure what the response would be and suddenly I felt like the biggest shrinking violet on the planet at the time. It was probably because it was the first time I had ever sent an ask on anyone's account, not to mention this was probably the first guy I reached out to on my own initiative outside of those I was already comfortable around on Discord. I was so nervous and to a certain extent, scared, because even though I was 22 at the time I never knew I could be so shy. I must have been pretty red in the face from my shyness too.

But he reached out to me about my ask through Tumblr's messages function, and he was honestly really kind. In the first message he sent to me, he thanked me for the kindness in my ask, and I was so surprised that he directly reached out to me that not only did my shyness kick in full force, I admittedly didn't respond to it for a month. When I finally responded, he understood I was shy for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, and surprisingly, despite my shyness still lingering, I felt comfortable around him. He assured me that he didn't feel uncomfortable about the fact that I liked a lot of his posts, which I was feeling really conscious about and had admitted to him. I felt like I could come out of my shell at least a bit, open up a little, at least to the point where I was willing to keep talking to him if we could. There were times where there were bumps in the road, where I wasn't sure if we had gotten off on the wrong foot or something or I was wondering if I was annoying or a load because of a tendency to just run my mouth at times, but overall I honestly enjoyed talking to him and his company even if it was solely through Tumblr's messages function.

However, it wasn't for long. We only talked for a few months, and even then, it was really brief and spread out partially due to different time zones. He was dealing with a lot of hate from anons who knew they could get away with it because they could hide behind screens. It was one of the key reasons if not the key reason why he eventually deactivated his blog, last year actually, and probably hasn't returned. Our final exchange, in October last year, was me wishing him luck since he was deleting his blog and possibly not returning, and he thanked me and wished me the best as well. And we both moved on with our lives.

But here's why I think I'm weird when concerning this topic and for even writing all this. It's because somehow, I miss him and feel a wish to reconnect with him and talk with him again. Aside from us talking very sparsely, I'm not sure if we even really knew each other after our message exchanging. As a result of all that, I feel like I shouldn't miss him. Yet I do, and I feel a strange desire to reconnect with him and talk with him again. I try to quash those feelings because not only will it probably never happen, to an extent I feel like it doesn't feel right to miss him and want to reconnect with him after only exchanging messages with him briefly and it being almost a year since he left.

Oh boy, this was practically an essay. While I do feel a bit better about getting this off my chest, I'm probably going to be cringing at myself for this and considering when to delete it as well. It scares me a bit, the fact that even though I didn't mention the person's name at all, someone might still figure out who I'm talking about and somehow get it to him. Well, it's still up in the air as to whether this is going to be deleted or not, but it all depends on how much I regret posting this and how mortified and conscious I feel at least a bit later over even writing this to begin with.

[javierpenaispunk]

Is there something wrong with me?

because i have zero interest in watching TLOU 2 and have decided i probably won't watch it.

Since I've heard about what's supposed to happen in season 2 I've tried very, very hard to get excited about it but I can't.

And the main reason is that I'm definitely way too emotionally attached to Joel. I know this might sounds unhealthy, stupid or childish but I know that I won't be able to witness the tension between Joel and Ellie but most of all, it would be literally unbearable for me to watch "that scene".

Yes, of course I know this is just fiction, this is just a character but this character had such a huge impact on my life that I simply can't deal with the way things are ending for him. How violent this is gonna be. Just the thought of it hurts me more than it should.

I also have to deal with the guilt that comes with it because i feel like I'm been disrespectful towards Pedro and Bella and all the people working on the show because i know they're gonna do an amazing job and i really wish I could enjoy it but right now i don't think I'm capable of doing that.

I know I'm probably the only person feeling this way but please don't send me hate for writing this down and sharing what's been in my mind for months. I really hesitated before doing it but I just needed a place to get this off my chest.

[vulpixelates]

i could be so unstoppable if my throat would work for swallowing pills. soooo unstoppable. why can i deepthroat a popsicle but not swallow pills that make me not insane without miserable pain

[whitemochacoffee]

I hope my friends know i love them. I am such a hypocrite.

[crowsdove]

()

[herearedragons]

I think I'm going to repost some of my old Dragon Age fics here

[bookshelfdreams]

Hiii I hope this isn't too forward, but your tags re: Ed's evolving reactions to abuse and Izzy as abuse-survivor-wish-fulfillment are incredible and it would lovely as its own post, if you felt comfortable doing so!

Aww thank you! The post in question

Also, tbf, I'm just obsessed with the rule of 3, whenever there's the slightest chance of seeing a pattern like this I'll pound on it with a sledgehammer until it fits.

Anyway. Ed has 3 abusive white men in his life; his father, Hornigold, and Izzy. And all 3 he deals with, to escalating effect.

His father is the one who exerts the most power over him. Ed clearly comes from a violent household, and as a child, he is obviously completely at his fathers non-existent mercy. He beats Ed's mother, throws dishware against the wall, and there was a deleted scene where he yelled at Ed's mother for "turning my son soft" (oh how I wish they'd kept that in. I can understand why they thought this was expendable, but it would have made the connection between Ed's father and Izzy so much more obvious).

Ed cannot protect himself, or his mother, against this violence - up until the moment that he can. The moment he realizes he is no longer weak and helpless, he retaliates in the only way that he has ever seen conflicts be resolved. He knows that he can't intimidate his father into better behaviour, if he wants to end the abuse it has to be permanent. So he just fucking kills the bastard.

This is, of course, Not Ideal. Even 30odd years later, he feels monstrous and unlovable because of this moment. The violence scars him. Not because he was wrong in killing his father, necessarily; the show doesn't judge him for it. But Ed destroyed the life he could have had when he did it, and he wounded himself.

Violent solution? Possible, but he deserved better.

Next up, Hornigold, who is also a mean, abusive bastard. He represents the avoidance solution: Leave and never look back. We do not know what became of Hornigold after Ed left his ship, but 02x03 implies that Ed expects him to still be alive somewhere. Ed clearly suffered horrific abuse at his hands, both physical and emotional, and even though that is years in the past, he clearly never dealt with any of it. Gravybasket!Hornigold tells him "Sorry doesn't rebuild an abdominal wall. You gotta move on.": Don't expect an apology, don't try to make amends, just ignore what happened. Apologies are pointless, you can never expect your abuser to change his behaviour. So just try to get away from him and ignore him.

This also doesn't really work. In the gravy basket, Ed is clearly still desperate for Hornigold's approval - and is refused, as he probably was often when he sailed with him. "You're never good enough" is one of the core mantras of abusers. Hornigold is still living in Ed's head, and heart, and soul; the poison he fed him is still alive and well within him. Ed even tries a violent solution this time, but obviously that can't work.

Still, avoidance is better than violence. Hornigold is left behind, standing on that cliff, while Ed goes back into the light. Ed doesn't have to take him with him. He cannot make Hornigold regret what he did, but he can remove himself from his clutches.

And then there's Izzy. With Izzy, Ed obviously has the most ambivalent relationship. He seems to truly like Izzy, to some extend (why is that would be another post, but as briefly as possible: I think Izzy provides an interpersonal dynamic that is familiar, and therefore, a twisted kind of safe for Ed. Chronic mistreatment will embed in you the idea that there's something wrong with you, and that's something Izzy is all too willing to point out to Ed. Crucially though, Izzy is someone who's approval is actually attainable. Ed keeps around someone who will tear him down, yes, but who it is also possible to impress, and over who he has authority. He's going back to the previous relationships, only now he is in a position of power, and that may feel like he can fix them. Obviously this isn't exactly a healthy dynamic. Izzy, for his part, clearly gets a kick out of the power and status being Blackbeard's first mate gives him, and manipulating Ed into doing what he wants. Just watch how pissed he gets when his control over Ed starts to slip.).

And there's another, crucial difference: Izzy wants to come around. Izzy is the fantasy of the toxic person who realizes how shitty his behaviour is, and who deep down, cares enough to want to fix it. Who recognizes the pain he caused, and who tells Ed the things he most needs to hear: I hurt you, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. I was wrong; you're fine.

And then - and this is also an important part of the wish fullfilment fantasy! - he dies. Ed doesn't have to deal with him anymore. We remove the possibility that he goes back on his apology, or tries to use that as a wedge to carve out a space for himself in Ed's life, or goes back to manipulating Ed. No. The apology has to be the final note this relationship ends on.

And this fixes it. Ed can look back on Izzy fondly.

He was a fucking nightmare. What a guy.

[edennill]

Beleriand Dashboard Simulator • part 3

Part one, part two

🔆 hador-lomin following

1 722 notes

♟️narrond following

wait, are @turin-deactivated4841207 and @outlaw-neithan-deactivated4880911 the same person as @mormegil?

⚔️ adanedhel

Not really my business to say, seeing as I'm neither of these, but people have reasons for changing blogs/names/URLs. If this was true and if I was that person I would be very annoyed at whoever posted such a thing for everyone to see.

#please take it down for general safety of people who might need it

4 notes

⚓ nenil-noriel

I am sick and tired of Gondolindhrim complaining they're bored. How about you try living here and fighting orcs for a while? I'd be glad to switch.

👤 house-of-the-mole following

I'll let you know we fought alongside everyone in the Nirnaeth.

⚓ nenil-noriel

Sure, do pat yourself on the back for doing the bare minimum.

17 089 notes

👰🏼‍♀️ celebrin following

Guess who got engaged today?!!! 💕💍🥰

#no one even got ordered to bring a Silmaril lol #so I dare say it went perfectly #!!! #can you tell I'm excited?

31 notes

🎼noldolanteyy following

thinking of changing my url (for pretty obvious reasons)

#doriath kinslaying

11 notes

🎼musiquendil-former-noldolanteyy following

No, really, this is the worst time ever to be a musician. I'm not pretending that the way he let us down is in any way worse than everything else Maglor Feanorion has done, but...

Can we separate art from the artist when the art itself is so interwined with the artist's deeds? Can we appreciate the noldolante itself ignoring that it was entirely a lie, regrets that apparently didn't stop him from committing the same evil over again?

But it is impossible to cut oneself away from all influence Maglor Feanorion has had on our music. And even keeping to the apolitical pieces, should we ignore the person of the artist? Does it help anything?

It's like the famous Fëanorian lamps debate all over again. Do we change the name since we're uncomfortable using it? Do we try to forget who was their creator - but is that even ethical, no matter what evil he wrought? Or is that maybe wrong? Maybe, if we use the lamps, we should be discomforted?

#I really don't know how to approach this

101 notes

👰🏼‍♀️celebrin following

So, we've arrived at the havens. I thank you all for the condolences, thoughts and prayers... I still don't know what to do from now on, but I guess maybe I can finally rest a bit. And mourn.

To all the people asking, yes, my husband and son are thankfully okay; this is the one silver lining. My son seems to have made a friend already...

#personal #gondolin

32 notes

🕊️queenelwing-unofficial

putting this under cut so I can delete this later, but please have a passionate rant about how a girl actually feels about receiving missives from the people who killed her parents.

read more

#honestly why do they presume I might want to actually meet with them #though tbh now that the anger's worn of I'm mostly afraid #and of course my husband *has* to be gone right now... #I'll probably delete all this tomorrow but I couldn't help myself

11 notes

[samamury]

this song as the soundtrack for Halsin's romance finale:

Look around

We made a garden of the love we found

So many reasons I would fight to stay

You're the courage when I fade

Take a look at what we've made

(Honeybee - The Head and the Heart)

and. i'll probably feel self-conscious for hours and want to slap myself after posting this but

Halsin calling tav "honeybee" as a term of endearment because

"like bees find what's precious in every flower to make honey, you find the best in the people around you and make something rich, and special, something that fills the senses and leaves a sweet taste on the tongue."

(or at least this works for my tav bc of their personal character growth)

(i'm aware i'm a bad writer and my english skills are ugh. not ideal but i ugh idk just felt like sharing this, might regret it and delete this later)

[r-underscore-g]

Monster High and Steven Universe crossover I wrote a while ago, I decided to trash this artwork but am posting it cause I'll probably regret deleting it later.

[avelanlorelay]

*Fireflies*

Mature | Fluff | Fluff and Smut/Romantic | Post The Queen of Nothing

Words: 4,124

Summary: Cardan steals Jude from the feast to show a surprise. Based on the deleted scene from The Queen of Nothing.

*Just cuteness and happiness. English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes 🖤

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49553290?view_adult=true

You are the light I've been searchin' for forever

Feels like I've really never felt the rain

Buried in the desert, didn't think I'd push through the dirt

You just cleansed me like a waterfall, you came

You cranked the heat up, I was cold

My past grew mold around my heart

And all my anger, sadness, regret disappeared, it's madness

I'm not used to all this water love, it's true

Light Shower, Melanie Martinez

He squeezed her hand, a signal for Jude to trust him, even though her patience was wearing thin as they walked through the woods, toward a lake Cardan used to visit near the palace. He had whispered furtively in her ear in the middle of the feast, promising her a surprise and a kiss if she would accompany him without asking questions.

Despite Jude’s reprisals that they shouldn’t run away in the middle of dinner, abandon the guests and especially escape the guards. But of course, a rebellious and impudent King like him didn’t care about any of that. Cardan agreed with a prankish smile, satisfied with his new title.

She followed him, though, perhaps because she was tired of Lady Asha’s glares and Minister Randalin’s exhausting babbling. Or maybe she was really tempted by the promise of a kiss. Jude hated to admit it, but Cardan’s lips were always good justification for breaking the rules.

Amidst the sound of owls and other creatures moaning or rejoicing in the dark of night, Cardan heard his Queen sigh, tired probably, but too touched by his willingness to surprise her to complain aloud. Oh, his Tempting Fruit Jude, who had already charmed him while sour, now made him even more smitten with her little efforts to prove herself sweet.

“Don’t worry My Queen, just a little bit more and we’ll arrive. Oh, perhaps you would rather have called your servants to carry you in a litter. He turned with a smirk so he could see her brown eyes roll back.

Even now as High Queen, Jude wasn’t usually as ostentatious as Cardan – except when it came to politics, of course, Jude then was all beauty and orders – but she wasn’t spoiled like the king, he had to admit.

“Perhaps I would rather you carried me in a litter.” She replied, eyebrows raised in sass, which no other person would have the audacity to say to the High King of Elfhame.

Cardan laughed.

“And am I not already one of your most faithful servants, my Goddess?” He pulled her to his side, placing a soft kiss on her hand. He was grateful for his magical vision for being able to see Jude's cheeks turn crimson like a red rose. She made a strange sound in her throat.

"What sound is this? Are we getting there yet? Jude pointed, quickly changing the subject.

Cardan became aware of the sound of water and the croaking of frogs nearby.

"Indeed. Wait here, I'll be back shortly.

"Cardan..." She began.

“Just trust me, Jude.” He insisted with a smile. Not a malicious smile or one of silly joy, but a truly sweet one, increasingly present on his lips.

Cardan didn't wait for her answer, he slipped through the trees. Five minutes later, Jude prepared to follow him, not caring to spoil the surprise, when she heard Cardan's voice humming her name. She approached with a small smile and almost gasped when she finally saw him.

Her King was smiling by a shining lake, illuminated by hundreds of fireflies that flew together, moving and dancing in harmony with the silent song of the woods, illuminating a carpet of white flowers that bloomed and spread out to cover the dry leaves of the ground and the trunk of the surrounding trees. A sweet scent of jasmine and honey lingered in the night.

Jude felt love move her heartbeat. In the light of the living stars, Cardan looked even more handsome and charming. Even more passionate. She had to blink a few times to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

“Did you like it?” Cardan asked hopefully, gesturing to induce the fireflies to fly around Jude. She turned to follow them with her gaze, but said nothing. “I have been training for some time.”

His tail swayed back and forth in anticipation, his usual confidence faltering terribly with her long silence. It was always like that with Jude. At all times, he found himself yearning for her reactions to his jokes, to his kisses, to his touches, from the most delicate to the most intimate. A rare laugh, a sigh of comfort, a moan of pleasure. Every melody that came out of Jude’s lips was the most beautiful song to his ears.

But at the moment he heard nothing. Perhaps the flowers were overkill? Maybe Jude was finding him clingy. Maybe he should tell all those silly fireflies to stop dancing and go away.

“It is splendid.” She finally sighed with a smile and he felt his heart dance in the chest along with the fireflies.

He smiled smugly, proud that he’d managed to impress her. Cardan held out a hand for Jude to join him at the edge of the lake.

“Did you do all this just for me?” She asked, brow furrowed, a little surprised and thrilled at the same time. Jude didn’t even remember that there was a lake near the Palacio, and especially didn’t knew that Cardan trained to charm fireflies.

She realized that she still wasn’t used to the idea that Cardan was her husband now and that lovers did romantic things for each other, asking nothing in return, even in Elfhame. Indeed, it seemed she would never get used to the idea that Cardan was hers, that he thought of her, that he liked to surprise her and give her gifts, that he wanted her. Without any logical explanation, his love was like Faerie magic itself.

“Well, I still don’t have much experience with being a husband and I also thought you wouldn’t like something too extravagant. So I tried something romantic in the right measure. However, I’m also not sure any measure of romance suits your tastes.” Cardan explained with a shy smile.

Jude couldn’t help but laugh and could have sworn his cheeks reddened. He was undeniably handsome when he was -rarely -shy.

“Actually, I like any measure of romance when it comes to you.” She moved closer, wrapping her arms around his neck. Cardan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “So feel free to be romantic whenever you want.”

“Oh Jude” He sighed, in love “You’re not mocking me, are you?”

The Queen pressed her lips together, drawing her eyebrows together.

“If every time I try to be affectionate you’re going to get suspicious, then I’ll give up right here.” Jude replied, promptly withdrawing her embrace. He pulled her back against his chest before she could pull away any further.

“No, don’t be so cruel to me. But sometimes, everything seems too perfect to be true. I feel like I’m dreaming.”

Jude thought so too, but she at least had the advantage of knowing that every word of love and devotion that fell from Cardan’s lips-and of which there were many, even when she didn’t ask for it, even at inappropriate times-were the absolute truth. . He, however, was not so lucky. Jude remembered how he hadn’t believed her when she confessed that she loved him for the first time, making a mental note to try to remind him of the truth of her feelings whenever necessary, even if it wasn’t with words.

"So… it’s a dream.” She concluded simply, with a small smile that reflected across his lips, before she attacked them with a kiss.

After a long moment, the fireflies swirling around them like a spiral, Cardan tried to pry their mouths apart, but Jude bit his lip to stop him. He moaned into her mouth and after a lot of effort, managed to pull away with a husky laugh.

“Wait, my dear kissy. Actually, I brought you here so we could bathe in the lake. I used to enjoy swimming back in the day, before I became King. I realized I missed it, so I wanted to come back here, but with you.”

Most of the time, he swam alone, enjoying the peaceful feeling of floating in the water, of feeling free. No pain, no hurt, no anger. Just freedom. Nicasia accompanied him some other times. They exchanged secrets and kisses and risky caresses, and he walked all the way home with a goofy smile on his lips. But those moments were long forgotten by Cardan, the happiness of those memories fading with time, as his love for Nicasia had faded. Disappeared from a place in his heart, so that Jude could occupy it entirely

In every moment with her, Cardan could feel the memories being eternalized in his own skin, just as he could feel the flowers opening in the ground, as if he and Jude were intertwined like the roots of a single rose. And every moment together with Jude, he wanted another and another and another, and as many memories as he could keep in the hundred or two hundred years they would live together.

“As long as you don’t try to drown me this time.” Jude narrowed her eyes with a wicked smile.

Cardan froze. He had completely forgotten about that day. Jude watched him blush a second time, truly a miracle. She had to stifle a laugh when he lowered his gaze.

“Oh, that. I don’t think I’ve ever apologized properly. I’m sorry, Jude. But if you give me a chance, this will be the perfect opportunity to replace this terrible memory with a much better one.”

Cardan looked into her eyes, a small hopeful smile, his tail twitching nervously for the second time that night. He could almost feel his muscles getting tired. She smiled brightly at him, moving close enough that her breaths seemed like a single, as she murmured,

“You’ve already done it. No bad memories exist when I’m with you, Cardan.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise and swore his heart had stumbled a beat.

“Ask again if I’m mocking you and you’ll have to swim alone.” Jude added grimly.

“Fair.” Cardan chuckled, raising his hands in surrender as he approached the lake. He had been speechless anyway.

Cardan removed the long wolfskin cloak from his shoulders, followed by his doublet and shirt, and threw them carelessly to the earth. It took Jude some time in her silent admiration to realize that he was taking off his pants as well. Her cheeks flushed as Cardan turned to her stark naked, gaze inquiring and tail twitching impatiently. All his pale skin glistened in the moonlight, as if the King was it sole focus. It was mesmerizing and intimidating at the same time, his unearthly beauty.

“As tempting as your gaze is, I would like you to hurry up.”

His petulant tone snapped her out of her trance. Jude cleared her throat.

“You want me to go in the water with you completely naked? If anyone sees it, they’ll think we were doing something else.”

Cardan rolled his eyes. His queen didn’t care much for the fae’s nudity and even their inhibitions with sex. But Jude seemed terrified that anyone would find her in the slightest bit in that condition or in any way related. Jude only allowed the folk to see her as a warrior, never as a lover. Not that it bothered him, she had always been secretive anyway. On the contrary still, Cardan liked to think that her innermost side was reserved for him alone, her greatest proof that he possessed her every confidence. As if he were special.

“Good.” The King snorted with amusement. “You can swim with your clothes on if you want. Everyone will wonder what happened to the Queen when you returns soaked from head to toe, though.”

“Or you could lend me your robes and walk naked to the palace.” She retorted insolently.

The laugh Cardan gave echoed through the forest, as revitalizing as birdsong.

“Well, then surely everyone would know what happened to the Queen.” He snapped, so bold he didn’t even make a point of looking at Jude. He didn’t wait for her either as he waded slowly into the water, the fireflies clearing a path for his to pass.

“Come on Jude, the water is very nice. Warm, as you like in the bath. The sun must have been pretty hot this morn...” His excited voice trailed off as he turned and saw Jude wading into the lake. She had let her chestnut curls loose and, naked with every detail of her body exposed and lit by the night, Jude looked as beautiful as any mermaid of the sea. He would have gladly drowned at the sound of her melodious voice, even for a single kiss. She laughed at his silly expression.

“Why are you looking at me like that? With those rosy cheeks, you looks like a maiden boy who has never seen a woman without clothes.” She scoffed, cupping her hands together to get some water and splash it on his head, wetting his black hair.

“No matter how many times I look at you, your beauty always disturbs me.” Cardan muttered hoarsely, ignoring her taunt and the drops dripping from his hair.

Jude felt her cheeks burn. It was still hard to get used to being the center of all attention from those black eyes. She ran her hands through his wet hair and pushed it back, leaving his face fully exposed to smear kisses over his pale skin. A kiss on top of one apple, then the other. Another kiss on the forehead and one more on the chin. One last at the corner of those soft lips, right where he hid his smiles.

When she pulled away, Jude combed his black brows with her thumbs and smiled into his smitten eyes. He looked like a hypnotized sailor, ready for her to drag him under the water.

“I dare you to see who can stay underwater the longest.” She said suddenly with a teasing smile. Cardan needed a moment to process her sudden change in mood.

He smiled and agreed. Jude counted to three and they both submerged in the water at the same time, her long hair flowing around her like a great crown. With puffy cheeks and a small smile of suppressed amusement, she was beautiful and she was his wife.

Underwater, Cardan reached out his hand and the entire lake lit up as if stars had fallen from the sky. Jude’s eyes widened and when she looked up, she realized it was the fireflies that had formed a carpet over the lake, following his movements.

Jude could see a shoal of violet fish swim in a row at the bottom, followed by a small water fairy riding a pink eel. At the very bottom were glistening mosses and a variety of water plants and flowers. She had never been able to see what she had in the lakes of Elfhame before. All the while, the King’s eyes followed her awestruck gaze.

When he could no longer hold his breath, Cardan emerged and Jude followed him.

“You won!” He laughed breathlessly, pushing his hair back.

“It’s so amazing. Do it again.” She asked in awe, ignoring her small victory.

“Why do not you try? Go ahead. Come on, Jude.” Cardan persisted when Jude stared at him in disbelief.

She held out her hand as he had and a rare goofy laugh escaped her lips as the fireflies followed her, even as Jude twirled her fingers, they danced in sync with her movements. Her eyes sparkled with the reflection of the lights.

“But I don’t understand...” She mumbled with furrowed brow. “This is magic, but I’m not magic. I’m just a mortal girl.”

“You are the High Queen, Jude.” Cardan smiled, taking her hands in his. “And this is our land, Elfhame. Yours and mine. You gave me this.” His voice has genuine admiration.

“And you gave it to me.” Jude reminded him softly.

“In fact, if we’re both upfront about our intentions, we set a trap for each other. And you fell perfectly into my trap, which made me really proud of my skills.” He grinned cheekily.

Jude clapped his shoulder. He held her hands tighter and savored her lips and the smile that crept onto them afterwards.

Neither of them worried that they had been gone for too long or that any guests or guards had noticed their absence. They swam deeper into the lake and discovered new creatures and plants. They played with the fireflies and laughed so hard their stomachs hurt. They floated in the water and watched the clouds move.

Only when Cardan took Jude’s hands in his and felt her fingertips wrinkle like shriveled fruit did he stop, frowning in concern.

“What happened to your fingers?”

“It’s normal. It happens because I was in the water for a long time.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Oh, no” Jude chuckled at his lovely genuine concern. “It’s like armor for human skin to get used to water. It’s just a little uncomfortable, but it can happen in the bath too.”

“Oh.” He raised his eyebrows. “We better get out of the water before you turn into a plum.” Cardan dropped one more kiss on her fingertips and stepped out of the lake, helping Jude out as well. He knew she didn’t need the help, but he also knew that she liked it when he showed her that he cared.

“But I don’t want to go back yet. Can’t we stay a little longer?” Jude questioned as she wrung out her hair at the lakeside. By this time, she no longer cared that Cardan saw her naked anyway.

He stared at her in mock surprise.

“And to think it was so hard to convince you to come… But if that’s what you want.” The King shrugged “I won’t be the one to deny you something in life.”

“It’s better anyway.”

Cardan grimaced.

“You are incredibly demanding today, aren’t you?”

Jude clicked her tongue ready to bite back a reply, but then she noticed he was leaning back, gently twisting the furry tip of his tail.

“What are you doing?” She asked with a surprised laugh.

“It gets heavy when it’s wet. Don’t laugh, Jude.”

“I am not.” She lied with a amused smile. Cardan shook his head in mock irritation, reaching down to pick up his robes from the floor.

“For my Demanding Queen, only the finest accommodations.” He said with warmth, dramatically laying his soft cloak on the flower-strewn ground.

He lay down in all his elegance and nudity and Jude couldn’t help but be reminded of the sculptures of Greek gods from the human world. She wouldn’t tell him of course, she’d already done enough for his arrogance for one night.

She lay on his chest while Cardan stroked her damp hair and they were both silent for a long moment, simply admired the stars. Until Jude realized too late that it wasn’t a good idea to hug Cardan while they were without clothes and having skipped the first step that usually got them into this situation. It was stronger than she was, this desire that had haunted her for so long and that now it was finally free to indulge whenever she wanted.

Their skin was still damp, and with hers pressed against Cardan’s, they warmed each other, making the touch even more inviting. She was up and sitting on his lap before he could notice.

Jude felt him under her body almost instantly. She almost let out a laugh, the poor King should have been holding back for a long time, but he was too respectful to try anything with his wife outside of they rooms.

“Jude” Cardan panted, clutching the lined cloak on the floor beside his tightly to avoid touching her. “I don’t want to test my resilience right here and now. Let’s go back then.”

Jude smiled and ran her hands slowly over his chest and belly.

“I already said that I don’t want to go back. And if we go back, we’re going to have to join the party. I want to party with you alone.”

Cardan covered his face with his hands and growled.

Jude laughed and pushed his hands away from his face. He looked at her with a frown.

“Are you sure?”

“No one will see us here, willt hey?”She asked shyly, stroking his soft cheeks.

“No. Nobody, I swear.” Cardan promptly stated. Too fast, even. The controlled desperation in his voice was comical, and though Jude was trying hard to sound seductive, she laughed again.

“Then fine.” She moved closer to kiss his lips and he responded eagerly.

Cardan turned them so that Jude was under his body. He kissed her all over her face as she had done to him, taking the opportunity to move down her body. On her muscled belly, he stopped to lick her belly button and followed with kisses down her inner thighs, skipping a spot that Jude thought was extremely important.

She gripped his hair tightly and pulled him up.

“I need you. I need you now.” Jude whispered in his ear, nibbling the tip of his pointed ear. Cardan shivered and let out a hoarse groan.

He squeezed Jude’s breasts hungrily and hurriedly positioned himself inside her, moving slowly as their breathy moans echoed through the forest.

Amidst the scent of flowers and the lights of dancing fireflies, Jude and Cardan made love as if they were the only ones in the world illuminated by moonlight.

“You are so delicious…” She whispered into his neck, spreading wet kisses over his skin. “I love having you inside me. I want you so much...”

Cardan shuddered and kissed her on the lips with even more desire. He had once confessed to Jude that he fantasized about her flattery, now she always whispered sweet nothings that drove him crazy. To mock him or not, Cardan did not care. He would beg at her feet for more if he had to.

“I am the one who desperately wants you.” He stroked her cheeks in his long-fingered hand. “Say what you want and I’ll give you anything, anything you wish. If you asked me for the stars, I’d go up to the sky and knock them down for you. I’d make the planet stop spinning, Jude. Just ask and I will give you everything I have and steal what I don’t have.”

Jude caressed his soft lips with her thumb, as if they were the petals of a rose. Her amber eyes like two fireflies twinkled only for Cardan.

“I don’t wish for anything. All I want is you. It is more than enough.” She slid her fingers under his chin and pulled him to her, their mouths intertwining effortlessly.

When she melted into him and pressed him inside her, her lips vibrated into the kiss with a drawn-out moan from Jude. He tightened her thighs around his body tightly and increased his thrusts, releasing himself inside her with his whole body shuddering and a growl. Jude pulled away biting Cardan’s lip, panting and with a small smile of satisfaction. Cardan always invoked many of her smiles.

He buried his face in her neck and almost purred when he felt Jude’s hand stroke his damp curls with water and now sweat. Another hand of her gently ran its fingers over the old and newly self-made scars on his back. Cardan could spend the rest of his long life there in her arms. He would forever be undone by her, in fact.

**** ***

They walked back through the forest barefoot, the warm night air drying their skin and hair. Between kisses and laughter, they stopped halfway to lean against a tree, their swollen lips tireless of each other. They promised to come back whenever they could and make it a secret place. Those memories they would create together Cardan would never forget.

That night, the King and Queen returned to the party just as the sun was about to rise through the trees. Their absence was not noticed by any revelers, however, all too involved in the celebration. Cardan and Jude danced and laughed, a secret on their lips shared only between them.

He loved it, how it was now part of her secrets. She felt as light and exhilarated as she had never allowed herself to be before.

If life had ever been cruel or boring, neither of them could remember.

*I modified some lines from the deleted scene and made some references to HTKOELTHS.

Thanks for reading! 🖤💗

[cassianandfenrysaremyboyos]

I'm sorry but this just pisses me off (Not Hunt obviously, but Bryce)

Bryce rant incoming which you can just ignore and I'll probably delete later

But Bryce just puts all the blame on the Asteri. And yes ultimately they are to blame in the larger sense of things. But Bryce plays a direct role in leading them down the path that results in Hunt, Ruhn and Baxian being caught. It was her need to find out Danika's secrets with no thought to the consequences, her idea to go to the Eternal City. And she takes NO personal responsibility for it at all!

Hunt is blaming himself for everything that's happened. Even when it's not his fault at all. When we're in his pov he's constantly drowning in guilt, thinking about how he should of done more, he should of tried harder, he should of been better, how it's all his fault this happened and that his friends suffered.

And then Bryce does none of that. When we're in her pov she doesn't really show any major guilt. I can't think of any times when she blames herself like Hunt does. And I'm not saying she should be wracked with guilt. But a normal person, a good person, will usually feel bad and will feel guilty and blame themselves to some degree when something bad happens and people they care about are hurt, regardless of how big or small they're involvement is, or even if they're not at fault at all, case in point Hunt being wracked with guilt even when it's not his fault.

And to make it worse she acknowledges that Hunt warned them, warned her. But that she disregarded it and would of done it no matter what.

And then she has the audicity to say she doesn't regret it. And she thought they were on the same page. ON THE SAME PAGE!!?? Hunt made it clear in hosab that he didn't want to go down this road again, that he didn't want to get involved. YOU just didn't listen Bryce. And yeah Hunt's an adult, he can make his own decisions and he could of said no and not gone. But of course, OF COURSE!! he wasn't going to let Bryce go down that road alone, because he loves her, and doesn't want anything to happen to her, and wants to protect, so of course he would never desert her. But that doesn't mean he wanted to do it!

For Bryce to be that unaware of Hunt's feelings, when he explicitly stated them. For her to be that disconnected from her mate's feelings that she's surprised that he wasn't really on board is kinda unfathomable to me. Just that complete lack of awareness really does make her look quite selfish/self centered.

Anyway sorry, this post is a mess but I just had to vent

And then when Hunt mentions the consequences he and his friends faced, Bryce makes it about her pain. She's hurt that Hunt mentioned that they suffered. And the worst part is, Hunt then regret's it, he regrets saying something that hurts Bryce, because he cares about her and feelings. And she does not consider his feelings to the same degree

It just pisses me off

[locksnek]

Yeah guess what, I'm going to ramble about that huge mistake I made by deleting my AO3 that one time. It's not the first time, and I regret to say it probably won't be the last. Believe me, I'd rather be thinking about other things, but I only just recently started feeling bad about this despite the time elapsed. I'm trying to process this still, as it's caused me legitimate grief to realize I destroyed something precious to me. CW: reference to self harm.

It took me a year and a half and more to really feel what I'd done. It was like I'd killed something and was numb about it, and only had an attack of conscience well after the fact. I keep looking back on it and trying to remember what I was thinking. Why I didn't stop myself. I'd stopped myself before, more than once, by keysmashing, copy-pasting that into the change password box, and not resetting my PW until my stuff was safe from my self-destructive-urges.

And I suppose that's the simple truth, I was not in my right mind when I did it. That's why I don't remember doing it, only posting in a blase manner that, welp, I'd gone and done it. I would never conceive of it, had I not been too emotionally fucked up to think clearly.

I was not thinking "gee, maybe someday I'll want to look back on one of the best times of my life, one of the times I felt most seen and had the most fun. Maybe I'll want to look back chronologically and see my works nestled in with those of my friends. Maybe I'll want to keep accruing kudos and comments so that my works are more likely to appear if people sort by kudos. Maybe I should take a break for a month or a year and see how I feel about it later. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't delete this archive of a precious moment in my history." Had I been thinking even one of those things, even a bit, would i have done it? Of course not.

I was in a bad place before TDC came along and I rushed headlong into the fandom. It was one of the best, most fun, most creatively fruitful times of my life. I've compared what I did to my own work to self harm before, but I saw today that the analogy runs deeper than even I realized. When I did this thing in I think like early-mid 2022, I was butthurt that my work wasn't getting attention and the servers weren't as busy, and I took it real personal and internalized it when really it was just the reality of a declining fandom. I lacked the presence of mind to see that, because I was reacting from my lizard brain, reacting like I've always done when I feel rejected/abandoned/as though I've lost something precious, and that was to hurt myself. Since I no longer do that physically, I did it in a different way instead, and hand to god I wish I would have done something physical instead of deleting that thing (not trying to glamorize it at all, that's just the extent to which I feel hurt myself by torching my archive).

Museum studies was one of my academic foci. I know how important it is to preserve history, and I deleted my own. I honestly cry about it almost every day now, even as I'm trying to do right by myself and slowly rebuild it. I don't see a way to forgiving myself for this. Well, I mean, like I've implied, it's recognizing that I wasn't in a sane state of mind, and that I would never have hurt myself and people who enjoyed my works if I had been. But I'm not there yet. [Reactions to this would be helpful, I know it's hard to engage with someone who's being so relentlessly glum about a subject, but even liking a post helps feel like I'm not yelling into the void. <3]