#I'll probably regret posting this and delete it later

[anne-bsd-bibliophile]

Having relationships when you're neurodivergent can be so hard. I don't get a lot of nonverbal cues, or at least that's what I've been told. I can't really tell, so I just take their word for it. Apparently I come across as argumentative a lot when I never intend to. I was accused of being too clingy and "following them around like a lost puppy" when I thought I was just trying to have a conversation with someone I thought was a friend. If I'm overwhelmed I shut down and don't talk much, but then I'm accused of being standoffish. I get excited and have a tendency to talk too much about things I enjoy, so I've told for my entire life that if I talk about my interests I won't have any friends. I try to keep all this in mind and be on my best behavior, especially with the people I love most because I really don't want to run them off. I never notice until it is far too late that my friends stopped spending time with me. I'll find myself looking for them only to realize they don't want to be my friend anymore and I have absolutely no idea why. But I do know I struggle with communicating with people, so it must be my fault, right? Whenever I try to show how much I care about someone, I always seem to be doing it "wrong." I don't know what I did wrong, but whether I know what I did or not everyone eventually leaves me. I'm just not cut out to have friends.

[milkman-zahhak]

Was working on something before I forgot that I can't fucking draw.

Yeah this is what a grown-ass adult's art should look like, this is the quality expected of someone whose been drawing since they could grasp a pencil. This measly scribble is worth 2 days of effort using all my free time.

[starflungwaddledee]

been working on answering a prompt i received in an ask the other day, and so i'm back thinking about... the Thing... 💖🎀 and thought maybe prompt doodles might help me work through this a little?

so uhhh.... if by any wild chance anyone has any ship suggestions for starstruck...??? feel free to send them through!

[twilight-princess240]

I'm probably going to regret posting this and might delete it at some point, who knows, but I want to get this off my chest. I'll probably regret doing this on a public post on Tumblr later.

Is it weird to miss someone who you've only talked to briefly on here who deactivated their account for a reason or another, and since you don't know if there's any other social media out there they have along with the fact that you still didn't talk to them much, you'll probably never encounter them again?

Because that happened to me. I found an account by chance while perusing Tumblr, and I was interested in what posts were on there despite them being 18+ and NSFW. I honestly liked the content when looking through it and I even sent a message through the ask function admitting as such despite being unusually shy for some reason, maybe because at the time I didn't post anything (until my rant about my girl Alyssa Targaryen not too long ago) and I usually prefer to keep to myself.

I admittedly wasn't sure what the response would be and suddenly I felt like the biggest shrinking violet on the planet at the time. It was probably because it was the first time I had ever sent an ask on anyone's account, not to mention this was probably the first guy I reached out to on my own initiative outside of those I was already comfortable around on Discord. I was so nervous and to a certain extent, scared, because even though I was 22 at the time I never knew I could be so shy. I must have been pretty red in the face from my shyness too.

But he reached out to me about my ask through Tumblr's messages function, and he was honestly really kind. In the first message he sent to me, he thanked me for the kindness in my ask, and I was so surprised that he directly reached out to me that not only did my shyness kick in full force, I admittedly didn't respond to it for a month. When I finally responded, he understood I was shy for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, and surprisingly, despite my shyness still lingering, I felt comfortable around him. He assured me that he didn't feel uncomfortable about the fact that I liked a lot of his posts, which I was feeling really conscious about and had admitted to him. I felt like I could come out of my shell at least a bit, open up a little, at least to the point where I was willing to keep talking to him if we could. There were times where there were bumps in the road, where I wasn't sure if we had gotten off on the wrong foot or something or I was wondering if I was annoying or a load because of a tendency to just run my mouth at times, but overall I honestly enjoyed talking to him and his company even if it was solely through Tumblr's messages function.

However, it wasn't for long. We only talked for a few months, and even then, it was really brief and spread out partially due to different time zones. He was dealing with a lot of hate from anons who knew they could get away with it because they could hide behind screens. It was one of the key reasons if not the key reason why he eventually deactivated his blog, last year actually, and probably hasn't returned. Our final exchange, in October last year, was me wishing him luck since he was deleting his blog and possibly not returning, and he thanked me and wished me the best as well. And we both moved on with our lives.

But here's why I think I'm weird when concerning this topic and for even writing all this. It's because somehow, I miss him and feel a wish to reconnect with him and talk with him again. Aside from us talking very sparsely, I'm not sure if we even really knew each other after our message exchanging. As a result of all that, I feel like I shouldn't miss him. Yet I do, and I feel a strange desire to reconnect with him and talk with him again. I try to quash those feelings because not only will it probably never happen, to an extent I feel like it doesn't feel right to miss him and want to reconnect with him after only exchanging messages with him briefly and it being almost a year since he left.

Oh boy, this was practically an essay. While I do feel a bit better about getting this off my chest, I'm probably going to be cringing at myself for this and considering when to delete it as well. It scares me a bit, the fact that even though I didn't mention the person's name at all, someone might still figure out who I'm talking about and somehow get it to him. Well, it's still up in the air as to whether this is going to be deleted or not, but it all depends on how much I regret posting this and how mortified and conscious I feel at least a bit later over even writing this to begin with.

[javierpenaispunk]

Is there something wrong with me?

because i have zero interest in watching TLOU 2 and have decided i probably won't watch it.

Since I've heard about what's supposed to happen in season 2 I've tried very, very hard to get excited about it but I can't.

And the main reason is that I'm definitely way too emotionally attached to Joel. I know this might sounds unhealthy, stupid or childish but I know that I won't be able to witness the tension between Joel and Ellie but most of all, it would be literally unbearable for me to watch "that scene".

Yes, of course I know this is just fiction, this is just a character but this character had such a huge impact on my life that I simply can't deal with the way things are ending for him. How violent this is gonna be. Just the thought of it hurts me more than it should.

I also have to deal with the guilt that comes with it because i feel like I'm been disrespectful towards Pedro and Bella and all the people working on the show because i know they're gonna do an amazing job and i really wish I could enjoy it but right now i don't think I'm capable of doing that.

I know I'm probably the only person feeling this way but please don't send me hate for writing this down and sharing what's been in my mind for months. I really hesitated before doing it but I just needed a place to get this off my chest.

[vulpixelates]

i could be so unstoppable if my throat would work for swallowing pills. soooo unstoppable. why can i deepthroat a popsicle but not swallow pills that make me not insane without miserable pain

[prettypleasewithplanktonontop]

@mutsukiss's tags

^This.

I was an adult by the time I accepted that it was in fact abuse. Ngl, it was one of the most liberating moments of my life. While things are still not good, I know it isn't my fault at the very least

[whitemochacoffee]

I hope my friends know i love them. I am such a hypocrite.

[crowsdove]

()

[iaintquittinyou]

Jedediah : As he should

Octavius : Jedediah what the fuck

Larry Daley does not give two shits about property damage

[herearedragons]

I think I'm going to repost some of my old Dragon Age fics here

[bookshelfdreams]

Hiii I hope this isn't too forward, but your tags re: Ed's evolving reactions to abuse and Izzy as abuse-survivor-wish-fulfillment are incredible and it would lovely as its own post, if you felt comfortable doing so!

Aww thank you! The post in question

Also, tbf, I'm just obsessed with the rule of 3, whenever there's the slightest chance of seeing a pattern like this I'll pound on it with a sledgehammer until it fits.

Anyway. Ed has 3 abusive white men in his life; his father, Hornigold, and Izzy. And all 3 he deals with, to escalating effect.

His father is the one who exerts the most power over him. Ed clearly comes from a violent household, and as a child, he is obviously completely at his fathers non-existent mercy. He beats Ed's mother, throws dishware against the wall, and there was a deleted scene where he yelled at Ed's mother for "turning my son soft" (oh how I wish they'd kept that in. I can understand why they thought this was expendable, but it would have made the connection between Ed's father and Izzy so much more obvious).

Ed cannot protect himself, or his mother, against this violence - up until the moment that he can. The moment he realizes he is no longer weak and helpless, he retaliates in the only way that he has ever seen conflicts be resolved. He knows that he can't intimidate his father into better behaviour, if he wants to end the abuse it has to be permanent. So he just fucking kills the bastard.

This is, of course, Not Ideal. Even 30odd years later, he feels monstrous and unlovable because of this moment. The violence scars him. Not because he was wrong in killing his father, necessarily; the show doesn't judge him for it. But Ed destroyed the life he could have had when he did it, and he wounded himself.

Violent solution? Possible, but he deserved better.

Next up, Hornigold, who is also a mean, abusive bastard. He represents the avoidance solution: Leave and never look back. We do not know what became of Hornigold after Ed left his ship, but 02x03 implies that Ed expects him to still be alive somewhere. Ed clearly suffered horrific abuse at his hands, both physical and emotional, and even though that is years in the past, he clearly never dealt with any of it. Gravybasket!Hornigold tells him "Sorry doesn't rebuild an abdominal wall. You gotta move on.": Don't expect an apology, don't try to make amends, just ignore what happened. Apologies are pointless, you can never expect your abuser to change his behaviour. So just try to get away from him and ignore him.

This also doesn't really work. In the gravy basket, Ed is clearly still desperate for Hornigold's approval - and is refused, as he probably was often when he sailed with him. "You're never good enough" is one of the core mantras of abusers. Hornigold is still living in Ed's head, and heart, and soul; the poison he fed him is still alive and well within him. Ed even tries a violent solution this time, but obviously that can't work.

Still, avoidance is better than violence. Hornigold is left behind, standing on that cliff, while Ed goes back into the light. Ed doesn't have to take him with him. He cannot make Hornigold regret what he did, but he can remove himself from his clutches.

And then there's Izzy. With Izzy, Ed obviously has the most ambivalent relationship. He seems to truly like Izzy, to some extend (why is that would be another post, but as briefly as possible: I think Izzy provides an interpersonal dynamic that is familiar, and therefore, a twisted kind of safe for Ed. Chronic mistreatment will embed in you the idea that there's something wrong with you, and that's something Izzy is all too willing to point out to Ed. Crucially though, Izzy is someone who's approval is actually attainable. Ed keeps around someone who will tear him down, yes, but who it is also possible to impress, and over who he has authority. He's going back to the previous relationships, only now he is in a position of power, and that may feel like he can fix them. Obviously this isn't exactly a healthy dynamic. Izzy, for his part, clearly gets a kick out of the power and status being Blackbeard's first mate gives him, and manipulating Ed into doing what he wants. Just watch how pissed he gets when his control over Ed starts to slip.).

And there's another, crucial difference: Izzy wants to come around. Izzy is the fantasy of the toxic person who realizes how shitty his behaviour is, and who deep down, cares enough to want to fix it. Who recognizes the pain he caused, and who tells Ed the things he most needs to hear: I hurt you, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. I was wrong; you're fine.

And then - and this is also an important part of the wish fullfilment fantasy! - he dies. Ed doesn't have to deal with him anymore. We remove the possibility that he goes back on his apology, or tries to use that as a wedge to carve out a space for himself in Ed's life, or goes back to manipulating Ed. No. The apology has to be the final note this relationship ends on.

And this fixes it. Ed can look back on Izzy fondly.

He was a fucking nightmare. What a guy.

[edennill]

Beleriand Dashboard Simulator • part 3

Part one, part two

🔆 hador-lomin following

1 722 notes

♟️narrond following

wait, are @turin-deactivated4841207 and @outlaw-neithan-deactivated4880911 the same person as @mormegil?

⚔️ adanedhel

Not really my business to say, seeing as I'm neither of these, but people have reasons for changing blogs/names/URLs. If this was true and if I was that person I would be very annoyed at whoever posted such a thing for everyone to see.

#please take it down for general safety of people who might need it

4 notes

⚓ nenil-noriel

I am sick and tired of Gondolindhrim complaining they're bored. How about you try living here and fighting orcs for a while? I'd be glad to switch.

👤 house-of-the-mole following

I'll let you know we fought alongside everyone in the Nirnaeth.

⚓ nenil-noriel

Sure, do pat yourself on the back for doing the bare minimum.

17 089 notes

👰🏼‍♀️ celebrin following

Guess who got engaged today?!!! 💕💍🥰

#no one even got ordered to bring a Silmaril lol #so I dare say it went perfectly #!!! #can you tell I'm excited?

31 notes

🎼noldolanteyy following

thinking of changing my url (for pretty obvious reasons)

#doriath kinslaying

11 notes

🎼musiquendil-former-noldolanteyy following

No, really, this is the worst time ever to be a musician. I'm not pretending that the way he let us down is in any way worse than everything else Maglor Feanorion has done, but...

Can we separate art from the artist when the art itself is so interwined with the artist's deeds? Can we appreciate the noldolante itself ignoring that it was entirely a lie, regrets that apparently didn't stop him from committing the same evil over again?

But it is impossible to cut oneself away from all influence Maglor Feanorion has had on our music. And even keeping to the apolitical pieces, should we ignore the person of the artist? Does it help anything?

It's like the famous Fëanorian lamps debate all over again. Do we change the name since we're uncomfortable using it? Do we try to forget who was their creator - but is that even ethical, no matter what evil he wrought? Or is that maybe wrong? Maybe, if we use the lamps, we should be discomforted?

#I really don't know how to approach this

101 notes

👰🏼‍♀️celebrin following

So, we've arrived at the havens. I thank you all for the condolences, thoughts and prayers... I still don't know what to do from now on, but I guess maybe I can finally rest a bit. And mourn.

To all the people asking, yes, my husband and son are thankfully okay; this is the one silver lining. My son seems to have made a friend already...

#personal #gondolin

32 notes

🕊️queenelwing-unofficial

putting this under cut so I can delete this later, but please have a passionate rant about how a girl actually feels about receiving missives from the people who killed her parents.

read more

#honestly why do they presume I might want to actually meet with them #though tbh now that the anger's worn of I'm mostly afraid #and of course my husband *has* to be gone right now... #I'll probably delete all this tomorrow but I couldn't help myself

11 notes

[samamury]

this song as the soundtrack for Halsin's romance finale:

Look around

We made a garden of the love we found

So many reasons I would fight to stay

You're the courage when I fade

Take a look at what we've made

(Honeybee - The Head and the Heart)

and. i'll probably feel self-conscious for hours and want to slap myself after posting this but

Halsin calling tav "honeybee" as a term of endearment because

"like bees find what's precious in every flower to make honey, you find the best in the people around you and make something rich, and special, something that fills the senses and leaves a sweet taste on the tongue."

(or at least this works for my tav bc of their personal character growth)

(i'm aware i'm a bad writer and my english skills are ugh. not ideal but i ugh idk just felt like sharing this, might regret it and delete this later)

[hesitantvampirealien]

i need to make a one time exception to what i said about no longer venting because this is directly related to the content i post here.

i really need to talk about my feelings regarding the mcr fandom... i seriously need to talk about this right now, or I'll just explode and end up doing something worse that I might regret later.

and before you read it, i must make it clear that I'm not holding anything back and in some moments i will unavoidably come across as mean and rude, but none of it is directed to a specific person, i don't make ANY descriptions of any particular person or blog that annoyed me, everything is entirely "/nbh" and my thoughts might, and probably will change after i finally just put all of this weight off my shoulders. I just need to unbottle this for a second. Don't take any of it to heart, reinforcing that i just... really need this out of me

Probably i won't even remember saying any of this, or I'll just delete it

>> /nbh <<

i wanna start off by saying that this is (mostly) unrelated to the ticket occurrence so you stay fucking quiet because i know your unloved pedant ass was gonna bring this shit up as if it was the main reason why I'm saying all of this. And no, this is - probably for your disappointment - not a text saying the 4 of them are awful people who should die like you were most probably hoping it was

i admit that I've considered leaving the MCR fandom for a while. I'm trying to gaslight myself into staying because it's the thing that saved me and i want to show my love for it, and i know that if i left I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about it.

Do you know how fucking shitty it feels to feel like you're the only person that doesn't absolutely despise something... while in the middle of the fandom for this same thing??

And for a while i wanted to feel like it was a loving and caring community. But if i was to allow myself to not lie to myself for one second. It fucking sucks here. And i know it's probably because, truth be told, this website is just mass produced suicide but nobody gives a shit, i end up hating more than half of the interactions i have, i hate that most of the people i talk to feel like they can't express their real thoughts out of fear of idk fucking being ostracized over stupid shit, i hate that everything becomes a weapon to be used against you, i hate that i try hard to be loving and yet all i get is more and more fuel to hate people, all while i get told that if i hate people I'm evil and a loser.

And to be honest, i think it's quite cruel for you to lie to me and tell me that you'd want me alive when you make sure to make me feel like being alive is a fucking punishment and enjoying the thing that made me want to stay alive is immoral

so i don't fucking know, call me some fucking apologist because I'm not out here saying G should've killed themself for doing shit like simply doing silly on-stage jokes with their brother or not being a perfectly stable and neurotypical conventional person writing cute fluffy stories or not being the person YOU wanted them to be i guess.

i think that's all. Hopefully that's all, i feel like i just puked out an entire week's meals saying this. Probably in like 5 minutes I'll feel better and no longer think about leaving. I just really needed to take this weight out of me, i wasn't being able to think properly anymore by continuing to bottle all of this up. Thank you for letting me talk about it, even if it goes against the thing i said I'd do, where I said i wouldn't vent anymore. This is still a one time thing though

[r-underscore-g]

Monster High and Steven Universe crossover I wrote a while ago, I decided to trash this artwork but am posting it cause I'll probably regret deleting it later.