#I'll go to sleep and dream again
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tell me our story
dnf fic, 2k, one shot, rated m [established relationship, fluff, talk of the future and children]
George closes the door softly and leans back against the soundproof padding. Upbeat tones fill the air, resembling the beat he’d felt earlier, and Dream’s recorded voice follows. It’s twenty-thirty-six, I’ll probably have some kids, I’ll teach them not to do the same stupid shit I did … George stops breathing.
[Or, George hears Dream's new lyrics and it starts a conversation they were both longing for.]
#HI :) dream shared song snippets about wanting children in the future n i cried and then this happened#half of this was written in a sleep deprived stupor until 4am n the rest this morning when i woke up at 1pm nobody look at me#dnf :( having kids :( imagine that conversation buh i'll go sob again ........#i hope whoever reads this enjoys :) it was so fun to write !!#my writing#dnf#dnf fics#dreamnotfound
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I feel like over the month+, I have like 1-2 hours a day max where I feel relatively awake, and every other hour I'm fighting bone-deep exhaustion. I'll bring it up with my doc at my check up on monday, but tbh i know the solution so idk if she can help
And I can work-work when I feel half-dead, or rather I force myself to because I don't want my cats to starve, but when it comes to creative stuff, it's like my mind is slippery sludge dribbling out my eyes...
The Solution, of course: just stop working 3~10 AM every day (and then taking a short nap, working during the day, and then taking another short nap, hours vary but repeat), and maybe get at least 6, ideally 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep at least every other day, ideally every day.
But do I see that happening? No.
Like rn I know I desperately need to edit fic and reply to comments and do several arts but I'm nodding off at my desk after boss DMing me work at 5 AM and dealing with repair people since 8:30 AM...
#YukiPri rambles#yeah the next fic chapter is long done#i just need to edit and reply to comments but that's like#5 hours at least of concentration and i feel more vegetable than sentient human#coffee just makes me sleepier#my hyper irregular sleep hours (i never sleep the same hours 2 days in a row...) means that even when i DO have time to sleep#i wake up/it's not restful#i've tried melatonin and sometimes it works but more often it gives me hyper vivid pseudo-dreams#stuff like i'm in my dream i hear my alarm go off i turn my alarm off while remaining in my dream etc it's dangerous#all of this also of course means i rarely have time to do my minimal exercise of a daily walk#and i'm lucky if i eat one full meal a day#it's like being in a perpetual state of awful jetlag#i feel like my body is not synched to earth and it sucks#do you think this is what inter-planetary jetlag is like bc that must suck worse than just timezones on the same planet#that at least has a consistent rotation u feel#hmm what was this post about again#lol disaster#anyway i think i'll take a 1-2 hour nap now so maybe i can do some fic editing when i get up#see i'm repeating the cycle again
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i love when my brain is trying to scare me and im just too tired and apathetic to get scared. nice try idiot!! unfortunately for you I Do Not Care!
#always a little bit funny to me idk#like. the brain puts me thru the horrors so much and so badly that i just kind of shut off#and then it keeps prodding at me but i give it zero reaction bc it burned out my fear response or smth LMAO#which actually makes life so much better bc i can just keep going about my day instead of spiralling#bc i just. cannot get scared over thoughts. and honestly im chilling#i wish i could have fun w it and do wild shit but nah im just... using this opportunity to live life like normal fhdkdl#the way that I otherwise dont get to do bc I'm so consumed by guilt and terror normally#life could be a dream.... oh well!#the only thing im actually scared of is sleeping which is Not Great but I've got my silly little j.erma vods to help w that#i cant remember how i fixed this the last couple times it happened so hopefully the vods work well enough lmao#i feel like there was some rly helpful brain hack though... ah well I'll probably figure it out again if it was That Good#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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I want someone to love me quietly and loudly at the same time because Im an idiot
#mine#words#human#love#someone unashamed of loving me#someone free to love me and choose me#someone who loves me with every blink#a love radiating from them surrounding me like a blanket making sure i feel it because im an idiot#because im an idiot#clown#feelings#thoughts#love comes in many forms and i dont want this to be romantic only#my friends are loving me openly and casually w lil care packages and notes for me with videos they send me with “ill sit w you”s &“i listen#with “your feelings are valid” “youre being hard to yourself so im being even softer” with “hey do you wanna play sth”#with “wanna body double” and “i rmb you like this” “have you eaten yet” “can i give you a hug”#with “my treat this time” and “can i come visit you” with “missing you” and “we share this part of life”#with “hey this reminded me of you” and “i dont need this but i thought you could” with “what have you been up to” and#with “do you wanna go there together” and “im getting [food/drink] you want some as well?”#with “i can pretend to be your waifu and help with chores” and “lets cook together” with “lets go on a walk together”#with “tell me when youre home” with “take care” and “enjoy!” with “hows your day been” “howd you sleep”#with “tell me about your dream last night” “show me your outfit” with “how are you” and “i can explain it to you again” with “i'll wait”#with “nice to hear from you again” and “i try to understand” with “im glad a late answer is better than none from you”#with “you cannot see your own effort but i can” with “how can i help you” and “just wanted to see/hear you” with “hey take this food w you”#with “i dont mind doing that for you” with ┌|∵|┐┌|∵|┐when seeing each other on the streets#every lil whimsical every experience thought and feeling shared#im immensely loved and i hope those people know and feel how i see appreciate and love them back#i am loved already#my friends make sure that i do not accept any less love expression and im endlessly grateful for them#“i will try for you” “i'll try remind you” “i can wake you up” this all will get its own post one day
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Song of the Day: April 15
"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor
#song of the day#it's been two weeks + two days since the last song of the day#the issue is you see that I started the songs up again in December because my insomnia was fucking up my perception of time#and I wanted some kind of regular marker to help me keep track#and then what happened two weeks + two days ago is that I lost all track of time and subsequently the songs of the day failed#I'm gonna see if I can keep up again for a bit now that I've re-restarted without an alarm on my phone#but if I miss any this week I'll just give in and turn the alarm back on#updates from the last two weeks are going to sound so chaotic let's see#I got a new project at work /and/ I got demoted /and/ I got added to a higher access level /and/ I'm in charge of a new database#yes all of those things together. I'm to be an accountant now! not instead but in addition to my other stuff. should be interesting#I didn't get April Fools off like I was scheduled to because all my scheduled vacation got unapproved#(I was here for about twenty nonsequential minutes to boop people and I'm glad I made time for it. extremely fun to boop)#I lied shamelessly to get eclipse day off and we went on a full-day roadtrip and it was wonderful. everything I dreamed and more#I killed one of my baby succulents through clumsiness and rabbits ate my pea plants but my sage and cabbages look promising#got a massive pot of mint flourishing on my porch and the horseradish is gorgeous#got Duncan lights and plants and a filter system for his frog tank but we haven't set up the substrate yet#so there's just potted plants sitting inside a terrarium. very amusing honestly#I've been playing a little Stardew and eating a /lot/ of hot sauce and tofu#drinking tons of klass aguas frescas--especially the soursop one. holy shit is it good. the mango and hibiscus also#and these past few days I've been sleeping better#for most of those two weeks I was getting a handful of twenty-minute naps each workday and then crashing unwillingly on the weekend#I haven't read any comic books since February :'( this weekend we're going to costco and then I'm reading comics until Monday#what have y'all been up to? I've missed being around#edit: oh shit the actual song part. anyway this is James Taylor! makes me happy and helps me settle. good vibes songs#I'm half-panicked about work all the time recently and then also today was tax day (Nick's taxes. blegh)#James Taylor doing some heavy lifting round here
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my sibling just tripped and i said 'god bless you ?????' like they sneezed or something ??
#just me hi#??? hfvbshf#i thought i was saying 'are you good?' but nope hfvbhsf#though i dunno why but i Do sometimes say god bless you to loud noises loll#//anyway oh my lllooroddssss why is sleep so awful bhvfsh#i sleep for six hours and i'm still kinda tired but that's it that's the Peak#if i sleep for any longer i think i start to decompose or something fffffhhdvc#like this SUCKS man whyyy hvfbs#also it's Extra Dumb because i'll start dreaming and just never wake up bc i HAVE to stay. for the Plot#cool tho bc i Did get to the end of my dream last night which is quite rare so !! :D#i do not remember it tho. but i am still satisfied about it lol :>#/but really sleeping is just Awful fvsh#and i have Tried to fix my sleeping schedule but ouaaghhfff it's a fight out here lmaoo#cuz i end up Storing energy until late at night and then i'm up until 4 a.m. again and oops there it goes again !#i dunno hfh#i'm having hardware problems that are exacerbated by the software that's all i know lol :)#//anywayyy so i've been tryna work on that little lore book (slow work cuz the sleep got worse recently HrghB) and i got stopped short @#chapter 2 bc i don't think i have a lot on the gods ??#okay wait yeah i think i do#i just started going for a sec in the tags i think i do actually#i just gotta. uhhh reformat some stuff lmao :3#so be back perhaps !!! oooo [<- ghost noise]
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#the longer i go the more i feel like i don't exist#nothing feels real#nothing has felt real in years#like i am not real#or sleeping and dreaming this and i'll wake up sometime and will be less lonely again
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#it's 3 am and I can't fall asleep again#I just woke up from a nightmare where I got stabbed#it was a cool dream in a way because I was reading a newspaper and there was a report about some stabbing#and only through that I found out that I was the victim and that I'm actually dead#cool but I woke up all shaky#then I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep when I realised I forgot to take out the chicken from the freezer#so I gather all my strength and get to the kitchen only to find out that there's no more chicken#now I'm back in bed and there's a fucking fly in my bedroom#it's buzzing nonstop and soon I think I willget into full Walter White mode#i also dreamt about elevators just riding them constantly in some huge New York looking city#and in the end I found out thay that city wasn't real and it was only a model of a city in someone's room#isn't it torture when I talk about my dreams?#also my stomach is killing me maybe that's why I'm having those crazy dreams#i think I'll try to go and try to sleep again#i just wanted to share my wild Saturday night with you#goodnight!!!
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feeling bad 👍
#aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuvgggggghhhhhhh#just cried for like 10 minutes because i cant recapture a time of my life i loved so much#im in a better place generally now but i miss that community i miss it so bad#i would literally live in that squalor again to get that friend group back#i miss hke so bad dude. i miss it. my heart fucking aches man.#i dunno i guess im chasing a fucking pipe dream but i just want them back. i want the constant activity#i want the silly in jokes. the dedication to each others characters. the fabulous world building#i miss being able to go to sleep and have ten notifications when i wake up#because everyone is always there and loud and i love ghem#i still do. god i still do. i love them all so so much#but we're all distant now. i can message them sure but they arent here with me#i wish they were with me#but ships pass in the night i guess#wish they wouldnt. wish i could keep them with me#i need silksong to drop cuz maybe then theyll come back#maybe i'll have hke back. at max volume again. maybe..#a bitch can only hope#i just miss... friends.#like a solid friend group#i havent had one in a while. ive always had at least one real solid friend group for ages#but hke was my most recent and that one didnt explode so i disnt scrabble to find another#so now that its slipping out of my grasp im just too busy trying to pull it back that i cant find anyone else#and besides#im 21#who would even wanna deal with a depressed disabled 21 year old butch bitch in this day and age#i just want what i had as a depressed teenager on the internet. friends who i assumed i would die with#but ships pass. i guess.#i dunno. maybe im just overreacting. maybe im just lonely#which i am#but
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Eisy, please come over, walk park with me 💛🌼🌞🌞🌞🌻🌲🌲
Good morning, dear 💛
I've been just thinking about how nice the weather is right now (it's 6.25 here so it's not hot yet) and how nice it would be to go out for a walk and then go to the park and read a book— then you sent me this 🌻🌻🌻I wish I really could come over there so we could do that together
#I feel sleepy though because I fell asleep around 1 and woke up at 5 something for absolutely no reason and couldn't fall asleep again 😂#so I'm between going back to sleep and going out 😂#hmmmm#edit: knowing me I'll go back to sleep#my cat is sleeping and he makes me feel even more sleepy#yeah I'll go back to sleep#I can walk in my dream instead 😂#I'll have to go out later anyway
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ffxv makes me so emotional oh my god 🥹🫶🏼
#🌙.rambles#[ ffxv. ]#i love love love final fantasy so much like. video games in general i cld rlly ramble abt each of my interests for hours like i'm#v much ffxv mood rn. god esp that one story two years back i've mentioned it so much here atp but IT REALLY IS SO PERSONAL N#CRINGE???? IDK IT MAKES ME EMBARRASSED A BIT but like embarrassed /pos like. it's me. younger me. n i'm still v fond of it.#..still makes me shy though but even more i finished writing that uh oneshot back then w noctis#childhood friends to lovers uhuh secretly in love but both think it's unrequited uhuh#why has that always been among my fav tropes.. I DON'T EVEN RLLY HAVE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS? there's nothing irl that inspired it at all.#but then ^ that's also w my uhhhh original characters n then my wol too in ffxiv honestly n#even with other characters.. a v similar sentiment w claude n like lancelot or lucifer. ffxv / fe3h / gbf were my top 3 back in 2020#botw hades octopath acnh & other ff were games that i rlly rmb then too. but ever since ffxiv i haven't been able to play much other vgs 😭#the witcher 3. nier automata demo. code vein demo. genshin. hzd. rdr2. ac odyssey n lots more but god i've barely finished any#OH I NEARLY FORGOT.. I'M SO SORRY must be bcs i was listening to it earlier so i thought i already wrote it but kh3 yes#AAAA WAIT I'M RAMBLING AGAIN I WAS GNA WORK ON SOME STUFF BEFORE I SLEEP 🥹 sleep by 3 for more hours or by 4 so i can uh#get some stuff done before tmrrw? i will. do my best this week as quickly as i can so i can.. rest? my mind rlly needs a rest i think ><#yk what i can always write n do more the next day yeah i'll sleep no later than 3:30#i think i'm going back more to my old self again but i'll do my best to not isolate or distance myself too much i don't want to destroy#things even more like. in that. dream n. in the past when. i thought i was over it but i think those wounds r reopening#but i'm stronger than them n. fuck. it's the same as before n that's why i'm crying that's why i'm so afraid that's why it hurts so much#but i've written too much here. it hurts so much but even if it feels too similar to.. back then it's. not the same it's not the same#i've improved i've gone this far i've made friends i've made so much memories. but i'm so afraid that i'll fuck up again n#i think i'm like this bcs. oh ffs my dream told me basically that i really do think i already fucked up. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry#the past.. present. the future. too fast too much n it's just like before n that's. why i'm helpless to it. i can do better but this#i forgave them but maybe i haven't forgiven myself. entirely at least. so. the familiarity of this rn is keeping me frozen in place?#n then other stuff r so overwhelming too n fuck i don't want to think about this anymore i'll be fine i'm fine i can do this on my own#..no. i can't do that again. fuck i'm crying so much why does this feel the same as two years back#i'm sorry please don't forget me please don't leave me please tell me i didn't fuck up please don't tell me i did it again#i'm sorry i was doing better i was healing but i'm back to this again i know better but i can't do any more rn n i'm sorry i'm so sorry#fuck it i'll wipe away these tears. it feels so empty inside but i'll feel better somehow by the morrow. i don't want to be a burden nymore#i know it's bad n i don't want all my progress to be for naught but.. no i can't fuck this up again but i feel i alrdy have. i'm sorry. gn
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Woke up from a dream where Zane said his name was actually Jane and that Zane was his nickname
#a very zane focus dream in general#was cool#sorry for aby typos i'm writing this w/o glasses on I literally just woke up#and i'll go back to sleep again cause it's like#3.40#dream talk with the cheese#ninjago
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just woke up in the middle of the night because i couldn't breathe. ridiculous 🙄
#it coincided with my dream: puppies overwhelming me with affection and suffocating me#i'm going back to sleep now. if this happens again i'll be so upset.#EDIT: i slept well the rest of the night :)
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the adrenaline rush after talking to someone who gives you severe anxiety but the conversation went super well and was super helpful: unparalleled
#yes this is about my grad advisor#yes I knew he gave me anxiety before I joined his program#yes he has given me a huge number of stress dreams since taking ecology lab with him in undergrad#it's okay!!!! it's totally fine and facing your fears by forcing yourself to be in proximity to the stressful thing is like healthy and shit#right????#(he isn't creepy or whatever he just constantly seems disappointed in you lmao and it freaks me out 😅😂)#anyway I have been super worried about figuring out my grad project/thesis#and he basically just told me I don't even need a direction to head yet#I have time to figure it out. around august I need to have some idea of like lakes or rivers or streams#maybe an idea of if i want to do some kind of management or conservation question#what I'd like to work with. historical data. ecological catastrophe data. habitat data. how are invasive species affecting communities data.#and so on and so forth and then we can develop a question together that I can work on for the next two years#he just wants me to learn right now and he thinks by next year he wants me running LTEF which would be cool as fuck#and I am so here for#ANYWAY I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER#I actually was unable to sleep last night because I was so worried about this#was going 'maybe I should quit now cause I don't know anything and I will never know anything and idk what I'm doing'#and like 'this was a mistake and I'm letting everyone and myself down and I can't undo it and I moved and everything'#'and now I'm going to completely bomb and drop out and never get another job and I'll have to go live in the woods'#'and never speak to anyone ever again because I'm a failure'#BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT#YAYYYYYYYYYY#anxiety can eat my ass!!!! I can conquer any problem!!!!! nothing can stop me!!!!#(also the fact I held a whole conversation with him by myself with no one else around is something I am proud of)#(and by the end my heart wasn't even pounding or anything 😌)
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Last night, I had a dream I met another fan of the clones in Star Wars. And the topic strayed to Jesse and we both... Forgot his fucking name.
I ended up going home, mulling over it. It was raining heavily, a sense of dread in the air, and my balcony door wasn't locked like I thought it was. So I was going around, checking the rooms with a knife in my hand.
YET, AS I WAS STABBING THE AIR WITH A FUCKING KNIFE, LOOKING FOR A POTENTIAL MURDERER HIDING BEHIND MY DOORS, ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS, "What the FUCK is that clone's name???"
So the first thing I did after waking up was ask my sister.
#thanks jesse from the clone wars for disturbing my SLEEP#emmodii rambles#am i screaming about this in real life and twitter and tumblr? yes#that's how irritated i got during that whole duration of my dream#and now i just think it's fucking hilarious jrewlkfhewjlrew#hey i'll take this dream over dreams about having to go through school again
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I'm Scared
#i hate being scared and alone it is not a good combo#im hearing things and imaagineingnthe worst and im scared aghvk#i shouldnt watch scary stuff before bed..#it is 5am#agh#i dont want to sleep because im scared i'll dream#my fear of sinkholes. may perhaps be back#i don't wanna be scared to go out into public again aaghh#i hate being scared like this#i wish i wasn't so sensitive aghhh#sinkholes. bad buildings. tight spaces. caves. i. i hate them so much...#they are So very scary#my dreams arent going to be good tonight so i'll try not to sleep
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