#I'd really rather NOT leave Tumblr but as I said: I am not a fan of the current decisions this website is making re: AI

[royalarchivist]

If you aren't already aware, Tumblr is pulling some BS stuff with AI, and I'm not a fan. I've been on this website for over a decade, but I'll be upfront and say I will not continue using Tumblr if they go through with this AI garbage.

What social media alternatives do people recommend? I've heard folks talk about Bluesky and Cohost, but I'm curious to know if people have other recommendations and/or if they have opinions on Bluesky / Cohost.

I'll keep running Royal Archivist as usual for now, but I wanted to give people a heads up about this AI stuff.

[rosesradio]

Hi, do you mind if I pick your brain about the pro/antiship thing? I'd like to check first because it's a dumpster fire of a controversy in fandom spaces and I'd 100% understand not wanting to touch it with a ten-foot pole. But also cuz it mentions somethin triggering+disturbing.I've always wondered what another person might think but I usually try to stay miles away from fandom drama, but you seem like, not chronically online about it

lmaoo thank you, i try to make my blog a chill, safe space to come to despite me being. Not chill about anything ever 😅

so here’s the definition of each that i added to the poll:

Proshippers argue that shipping is all fictional, so there is no harm in shipping characters who shouldn’t be together in real life. Anti-shippers argue that fiction reflects and influences real-world beliefs and behaviors, so fans shouldn’t romanticize unhealthy relationships. You can be proship and not ship any problematic ships, or vice versa.

i got these definitions, with my own addition at the end, from a Reddit thread you might find helpful.

so i’ve been in fandom for many years, and up until around 2022 i was mostly what would be considered an anti-shipper.

within the (*gags*) sanders sides fandom, there was a ship called remrom. this was the ship between the characters roman and remus, canonically twin brothers. i never shipped it, not my thing, and it caused a lot of division in the fandom. people would often put on their wattpad (yeahhh wattpad era babey) profiles & even their fics “dni & leave if you ship remrom, go die” etc. i don’t think i put that on my own fics, but i was hostile & blocked people i found shipping it. because how could you ship twin brothers, that’s disgusting!!1!

…the funny thing about sanders sides, though, is that all of the characters represent fragments of one guy’s personality. roman is his creativity, remus is his dark!creativity, etc. the fandom shipped many other pairings with the (non-related) characters, the most popular being Roman and Virgil (anxiety). (Yes this is causing me physical pain to type out thanks for asking 🧍). so all that exposition aside…we were all shipping selfcest. and in a way, is selfcest any worse than incest? i suppose that’s subjective, but it just goes to show a bit of hypocrisy.

i also shipped some “problematic” pairings over the years, but changed them up to be “non-problematic”. for example, i had a billdip fic in which i made bill bodily 15 to match dipper & had him turn magically human (does this make the ship entirely non-problematic? hell no lmao, but as is the way of 15-year-old rose)

so that aside, i joined tumblr in 2022, in the cobra kai fandom. there’s a ship in the cobra kai fandom called silverusso, a ship between an insane(ly hot? don’t look at me 🫣) karate instructor named silver and the main character, daniel larusso. this ship is extremelyyy toxic on several levels. for one, daniel is freshly 18, while silver is assumed to be in his 30s(?) during karate kid 3 (please watch karate kid 3 but also be sure you’re sober when doing so because the movie is a trip, lol). for another, silver essentially seduces daniel into devolving into a violent robot, primed for silver’s command & corruption.

now for me…i’m not going to get into the details because i don’t want to, but i had experienced trauma somewhat related to the silverusso dynamic the previous year (only with minimal karate, lol). even three years later, i am still impacted by said trauma in small ways. i was honestly insulted by people shipping this ship, because it felt like they didn’t care about victims & were romanticizing and sexualizing situations i was having nightmares about.

that is, until i made some friends in the fandom. i bonded with them on our common interests, and then i got to see a bit more into the silverusso shippers’ heads rather than the horrible things i was hearing about them from others. i learned that they really weren’t that bad people at all, all well-intentioned & respectful of boundaries. some of them were even victims of trauma similar to my own, who used darkfic as a place to vent their emotions. considering i had told very few people of what happened, considering no one really understood, i felt safe.

not to plug, but this is a fic i wrote sort of in that space lol

so anyways, i learned more & more about proshipping ways, profiction, anti-harassment, & anti-censorship. i adopted the take that fiction can be a good place to explore complex emotions or even just compelling ideas.

(because you do not need to be traumatized to be interested in darkfic! in fact, the anti-ship take of “darkfic is okay if you’re recovering from trauma” is often harmful to victims, forcing them to out themselves for a stranger to judge if they’re “traumatized enough” to be “allowed” write darkfic. people should be free to write whatever with no explanation, just respect to others & proper tags/warnings).

i would like to think that the anti-ship ideals are in the best interest of others. they often do speak from a place of wanting to respect trauma victims (even if the hate messages they’ve sent me aren’t very respectful, lol). i can see how easy it is to be swept up into the moral quandary of it all because i’ve been there. in fact, if i saw trauma victims who were anti-shippers today, who felt the same resentment i did in 2022, i would feel sympathy for them and wish them the best in their recovery. darkfic has definitely helped me, though it is not for everyone. (though to those people i would also recommend they block bothersome tags and try to clear it from their mind).

i do wish people would approach actual proshippers to ask the way you are right now, anon. i think the spread of misinformation on how “being proship = shipping only problematic pairings” or god forbid “being proship = being a pedo” means a lot of well-meaning people obviously are disgusted and don’t bother to seek out the actual meaning of the term.

you don’t have to ship problematic parings or like darkfic to be considered proship. in fact, a lot of my mutuals here only like fluff & traditionally “healthy” pairings, but they support people’s right to ship and write whatever they want, provided it stays in its properly tagged lane. it’s just important to not push for censorship on sites like ao3 (one of the last safe spaces for every kind of fanfic), as well as not harass anyone in fandom for what they do with fiction. it’s not proper fandom etiquette, and it’s not a good thing to do.

fictional characters are dolls. real people are real, as are their feelings.

one last thing

i hope all of that answered your question, anon, and feel free to return with any more questions you might have 💌

[dokidokitsuna]

...I just remembered I wanted to make my own statement on the AI thing. ^^;

So you've probably heard, but in case you haven't: Tumblr just sold out everyone's data to the AI trash compactors, they probably did it long before they gave us the option to opt out, and even if you do opt out they're probably still taking and using your work anyway (telling people to opt out instead of actually asking for their permission is already scummy business practice, but when it comes to AI it's functionally meaningless. :/ It's always "well, we're telling them not to use these people's data and we're hoping they'll be nice and go along with it" with no regulations or consequences if they decide to just steal everything indiscriminately...)

Despite that, I am not leaving Tumblr anytime soon. I'm looking into other sites*, but at this moment in time, I have nowhere else to go. ^^; Besides, I still like it here. When I left DeviantArt I was already getting sick of the place, having my art stolen regularly by "fans" and paradoxically getting less and less interest in my work over time. By the time the devs turned the website into eye-blinding slop with Eclipse, I was more than ready to move on.

But I still enjoy using Tumblr. I like writing long text posts that no one would bother to read anywhere else, I like answering asks, and I like the unique sense of humor and style among the users here. ^^ It would take a lot to force me out.

Also, I can take a little solace in the fact that AI-bros do not value "low-quality" art like mine. ^^; If messy cel-shaded sketches with visible pixels ever become popular, then I'll worry, but for now I think it's highly unlikely that anyone will want to wholesale regurgitate my art. If anything, I think prioritizing it in their datasets would only make them worse...and on that note, if you do have "high quality" detailed/painterly/semi-realistic art that would be targeted, I'd recommend 'poisoning' it with Nightshade/Glaze. Although I heard a rumor a while back that AI is "building immunity" to Nightshade and already learning to work around it, but I'm really hoping that was just a wishful lie from the trash compactors themselves. I haven't heard it repeated since then, so I think it's still worth a shot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So anyway, like the post I reblogged said, I think the best thing we can do now is to make it clear that WE DON'T WANT AI ART. We don't care how easy it'll be to instantly generate thousands of hours of mindless 'content' to look at; we don't want it. Since regulation is lagging so far behind (wanna know why Disney's copyright hounds didn't shut this down on sight? Most likely, they're hoping to profit from it down the line) the only way to fight this right now is with individual litigation and consumer demand.

Don't support projects made with AI**; don't hate-watch them or spotlight them. Focus your energy on the millions of human artists who are still here, and need your support now more than ever.

*I've heard people mention moving to Twitter and/or Artstation: fam, you're jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. ^^;;; IIRC, Arstation was one of the FIRST art sites to start flirting with AI, and Twitter has been selling off its users' data for several months already. Go there if you must, but don't go under the impression that it's "safer".

**Please keep a cool head when discussing AI art, and keep in mind that it used to mean something other than "mass theft". Artists have and still do create AI tools that are built on limited data sets with permission/compensation, that are used to aid them in their work and encourage human artistry (Vocaloids and DAW's, for instance) rather than stamp it out. Until a specific word evolves into popular use for exploitative AI, we're kinda stuck with this confusion, so remember to get the facts before you speak out.

P.S. Praying every night that this is a dumb fad that will soon die and go to the same hell as NFTs. >_< Praying every morning that the influx of AI art into its own datasets will eventually corrupt itself and make it useless. >_< >_< Praying every afternoon for both at once! >_< >_< >_< Like to charge, reblog to cast, all that

[plasticnightmaredoll]

(art commission by the lovely and talented @curious-menace)

It is a time where I would like to see what my followers think about various concepts I have in mind pertaining to alternate versions of one my fics. It may take some time to write out any alternate versions since I've been busy and stressed out so much lately, but I am very curious as to what others would find intriguing to read.

But first, some backstory so be patient. We'll get to the voting at the end of this post.

I've been having a lot of bad days lately, and my mood has plummeted to a major low. This includes my self-esteem, which has always been in the dumps but is now basically a dumpster fire.

However, I don't want to be entirely cruel to myself. I deserve some sort of happiness, some sort of reprieve, and writing can be a good coping mechanism. I put a lot of my own thoughts, emotions, struggles, opinions, etc. into my works, as they serve as a way for me to get things off my chest. Sometimes, it's just cute and funny stuff, other times angsty but eventually fluffy stuff, and other times it's quite depressing and dark.

One fic, in particular, stands out, and that is the Mortal Kombat/Batman Arkhamverse crossover, "Volunteer," (trigger warnings: mentions psychological torture and suicide...more about this fic in a bit for those who would rather not read it because of those triggers) which features Arkham Knight Edward Nigma and Jonathan Crane, as well as a lady friend for Edward named Sara. It also features Erron Black and Cassie Cage from Mortal Kombat (Cassie is only mentioned in the story a few times).

If you read the blog intro/self-introduction post pinned at the top of my Tumblr, you know very well how I feel about Cassie Cage (particularly in MK11) and the Erron Black x Cassie Cage (BlackCage) pairing. Those negative feelings are mostly due to a very bad experience with a pushy BlackCage fan who just wouldn't relent one bit on their stance and it was emotionally and mentally draining to try and talk to them, including providing counter-arguments.

I've come up with alternate versions for "Volunteer" recently due to the spike in stress, depression, anxiety, and insecurities I've been dealing with as of late. This is where my followers come in!

I would like people to vote on which alternate take on "Volunteer" they would be interested in reading. Now, I can't guarantee when I'd get to it because, as I mentioned already, I've got a lot going on. However, I really want to try and write at least one alternate version of that fic, just to get some insecurities and negative thoughts off my chest.

Now, for those who are wary of reading "Volunteer" because of the trigger warnings, here's my advice: Just read the first chapter, if you want to. Chapter 2 deals directly with the sensitive subject matter, although, you can probably guess what happens anyway just by reading Chapter 1 and if you know anything about Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow...well, he likes to mess with people...mentally. To put it very mildly.

Now it's time for the voting. I have three different scenarios I've come up with that are variations/alternate versions of the current "Volunteer" fic's concept/storyline. I'd like followers to select 1 (one) alternate telling of the fic. I will open anonymous asks again, so if you are shy or just want your vote to remain a secret for some other reason, then that's fine by me. Otherwise, you can reply to this post with your choice.

Edit: if you are turned off by the idea of a Mortal Kombat/Batman Arkhamverse crossover, I get it. I don't read crossover fics myself, and that's usually because the crossovers either make no sense or do make sense but the ideas are poorly executed.

This crossover I'm talking about, though, isn't a full-on crossover of MK and Batman. There's no world-building, no larger plot, and no other characters in MK even appear or are mentioned except Erron Black and Cassie Cage.

If anything, it's more of a Batman Arkhamverse standard AU with Riddler and a female oc, and Erron and Cassie are the only concrete elements of MK brought in. I mean, yes, the other MK characters exist, I guess, but they have no purpose in this crossover I've written, and won't make any appearances.

So, if you had any concerns about the crossover aspect, I hope this clears things up

Choices below the cut!

A) "Don't You Wish"

This version is inspired by a song from Pink, called, "There You Go." In this alternate telling, Erron manages to survive Scarecrow's fear toxin, and escape (most likely because Erron is out of his mind and panicking, thus not a threat, and he has no one to help him, so Scarecrow doesn't give a damn what happens to the dude). The first thing Erron does is go to Sara's place, having already broken up with Cassie after realizing dating her was a mistake, and Sara means more to him than he thought.

Well, it's been several months since Sara basically pushed Erron out of her life for his poor choice in women, and (Arkham Knight) Edward Nigma has proven to be a much better (and, wiser and more sensible -- yes, I know, but he's not a skirt chaser, Guys) friend to Sara. While Erron ran off with a blonde selfie princess, Edward offered genuine comfort and companionship, and now Sara has been in the process of moving on from Erron even further.

Sara humors Erron and lets him tell her -- while sounding terrified, confused, and conflicted beyond belief thanks to the fear toxin -- what happened to him. Now, Sara doesn't know Edward asked Scarecrow to take care of Erron as a means of getting revenge for her. Doesn't matter anyway. She's unsympathetic towards Erron's plight, feeling as if he didn't even give her a chance to confess her feelings towards him, nor did he even seem to notice how she felt; it was like he was too busy with thinking with his privates to realize he had someone in front of him who would have treated him better.

Sara tells Erron -- in a flat, disinterested tone -- that his situation is tragic and all but wtf is she supposed to do? Why not go to his dumb blonde gf? Oh, they broke up? Well, how predictable. And Crane is also a (sort of) friend to Sara, which shocks Erron and leaves him feeling worse than before.

Sara sends Erron on his way, and he wanders off in a daze, unsure of what to do with his life now.

Sara and Edward meet the next day, and they have a pleasant time, obviously moving towards becoming a couple. She chooses not to mention Erron as she is completely severing the cowboy from her life.

B) "I Don't Even Miss You"

This alternate telling is similar to the previous one, but this time it's inspired by a Miley Cyrus song, "WTF Do I Know" (Hey, her Plastic Hearts album is actually fantastic!), and Edward is with Sara when Erron arrives at her place in a distressed state. At first, Sara deals with Erron in the hall of her apartment building, unsympathetic to his plight and basically telling him, "I told you so," and "too bad." Erron is getting more and more upset, even angry at Sara's callous tone, and starts to raise his voice, demanding to know why she is being so cold at a time like this?

Edward overhears Erron raising his voice to Sara, giving her a difficult time, and he gets pissed. Edward steps out into the hall and not only mocks Erron in various ways, but demands that he leave immediately, or what Scarecrow did will seem like a trip to Disney Land. Erron has caused Sara -- who is currently moving on and growing closer to Edward -- enough problems and heartache.

Edward reveals he set up Erron, and while Sara is stunned to find this out, she handles it better than expected. Edward said it was his way of getting revenge for her, and he'd do it again if need be. Erron is sent away feeling so much worse, feeling lost, hopeless, and betrayed.

Sara and Edward talk and she admits she's upset that he did something like this without speaking about it to her first. However, he explains that he genuinely did it for her and he doesn't want her to feel pain at the hands of some "idiotic cowman," who doesn't consider the feelings of others and who behaves like a greedy, violent Neanderthal. (And yes, Edward does care for Sara, and he didn't send Scarecrow after Erron out of jealousy -- maybe a little jealousy but it was mostly rage over Erron causing Sara so much emotional pain)

Sara means more to Edward than he can express, and he may not be the best when it comes to emotions, but he does care about her and wants her to be safe.

Sara forgives Edward, understanding that, through his heartfelt but very nervous and shy confession that he is sincere about his feelings for her, and they make amends. She of course tells him to never do something so extreme without consulting her first, though, because what happened to Erron -- while she doesn't care what happens to him in the slightest -- was a bit too much.

C) "Listen When the Devil's Calling"

Another title inspired by a Miley Cyrus song, "Night Crawling," and this alternate telling involves Telltale Riddler and no Scarecrow. Almost a year has passed since Erron went with Cassie and Sara, out of bitterness and heartache, refused to speak or see him. This didn't sit well with him as she was his only friend, and his relationship with Cassie dies within a few months.

He goes looking for Sara, realizing she has moved out of her apartment. It doesn't take him long to find out where she is, and she's with The Riddler, a notorious criminal genius and one of Gotham's elite villains. Erron is worried for Sara and seeks her out.

Turns out, Sara's just fine. This isn't one of those scenarios where the girl is with a guy who just using her and taking advantage of her vulnerability. No, Edward does actually love her and takes good care of her. He finds people like reckless, selfish, and ignorant people like Erron to be a disgrace but also amusing because of how pathetically primitive they are.

Edward also doesn't appreciate how Erron pushed aside a good thing in Sara to pursue a girl who is a social media brat and has more selfies on her phone than brain cells in her, well, brain. It defies all logic to Edward, but he's also not surprised because of how much of a disappointment Erron is as a human being (hey, this is Riddler we're talking about, and he's not one to be sweet and gentle to those he can't stand). Edward doesn't say these things out loud, though, as it's a bit too vulnerable and personal for him to do such a thing with someone he doesn't know or trust.

Sara is upset that Erron has resurfaced and she remembers how heartbroken she was when he went after Cassie Cage. She wants Erron to leave her alone like she asked, so she can move on. She can't trust him anymore, because he's just a skirt chaser in her eyes.

Erron tries to plead his case, tries to apologize to Sara, and expresses how he really feels, but this just distresses her further. Edward steps in and tells Erron he's done enough to Sara, she clearly doesn't want to see him, and he needs to take his leave.

This isn't a request.

Edward pulls Erron aside, telling the cowboy that the only reason he's going to walk away from this alive is that Sara hasn't asked for him to be killed. Should she tell Edward to take care of Erron, well, you all know what Telltale Riddler is like.

And those are the three variations on "Volunteer."

If you could be so kind as to:

leave a comment with your choice or

send an ask (even an anon ask) with your choice or

suggest your take on this story.

I'd appreciate it immensely!

Thank you all so much for supporting me and my writing and being patient with my sluggish publishing schedule!

[peonybane]

Hey there, soooo... I don't know whether you heard about VIXX and Hongbin, but just thought I'd check in, whether you had or hadn't yet. I feel quite bitter. I was very upset with what happened to Wonho last year when he left Monsta X, but with Hongbin it seems like he is quitting being a performer altogether 😖😢

So I am going to be answering this under the cut (both so people don’t have to read a long ask, but also because of the subject matter). Please let me know if you’d like me to remove this as an ask, I’ll repost my opinion as an original.

Disclosure: While I’m very into VIXX and other kpop groups, unless it ends up on my Tumblr dash, I know absolutely nothing about what’s going on. I don’t have most forms of social media. So if there’s are some factually wrong things down below, it’s because I’m only vaguely aware of certain details. Most of this is my own personal opinion and intuitions as well. I will also state here that I know very little about the twitch controversies except for hearsay so I’ll only be referring to one case, the most relevant one.

I was never into Monsta X as I am with my other groups, but I feel like this is worse than when Wonho left. I’m not disregarding that it wasn’t painful or upsetting for Monbebes. But... Wonho left to protect his group. But he’s continuing to do what he loves. I feel like Hongbin is leaving, so he can survive. While I hope that he’s not leaving as a performer entirely, I respect his decision if he decides to have nothing to do with being an entertainer ever again.

So, I’m ngl, I am a combo of a shit ton of things, but mostly, I am a combination of livid and proud.

I am livid at the people who started this shit. I am so fucking pissed because people forget that idols are human beings too. They have feelings, they have OPINIONS.

I am so fucking pissed at the company(ies). I don’t know which company has greatest power in this or who this all happened under, but either way, I am pissed. Jelpi had been using VIXX as a cash cow for years because for whatever reason they could never recreate the same magical process of creating a group within a niche market. Despite VIXX finding a niche market within to thrive, Jelpi stopped giving them that support long ago. And we all know SM’s reputation (for those who don’t know, SM recently acquired Jelpi).

Something that both worries and pisses me off is that SM may not so subtly told him to leave voluntarily. But as far as I know, Hongbin decided to leave, himself. But we’ll most likely never truly know. 

I think SM could see the writing on the wall. It already happened twice under the label. After all...

Once is a tragedy. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice is a statistic.

Hongbin would have been that statistic.

And really, that’s what is really making me absolutely livid. Because based on what we’ve seen and heard as fans... I can’t fucking imagine what was going on behind closed doors.

Idols are by no means perfect human begins. But they still don’t deserve this treatment. Including Hongbin.

I am proud of Hongbin so many reasons. From the very beginning, Hongbin was considered one of the weakest vocally. What that means, I don’t really know, I’m not musically trained. But he put in the effort to grow and develop himself as an idol. I mean on EAU DE VIXX, he was a fucking vocal powerhouse! He put all this effort into bettering himself as an actor, as a singer, as a dancer. And yet his company did not pay him the courtesy of that work.

I am proud of him because throughout these years, he’s been very much himself from the beginning, even though that makes him surly as hell, confrontational, sarcastic. He gave us Meme-Bin. He made us feel his pain with the cringe. He worked hard on his dream. It was never a life long dream like it was for Jaehwan. Instead, it was almost spur of the moment. And to me, being able to succeed to some degree of that sudden dream -- that is one of the greatest inspirations anyone can give.

I am proud of him for his strength. He went through years of being put in awkward positions (the Error MV for instance: he was originally suppose to kiss her on the lips and he kissed her on the forehead instead because kissing her made him uncomfortable). Years of being cast in the wrong type of role despite his skills (always cast as the ‘Prince’ type when he could have become an amazing psychotic villain). Years of his hard work being disregarded in favor of being a pretty face.

And he seemingly went through that and probably more that will never know about for years, all with that big cheesy dimpled smile. I think on some level, he’s depressed and has been for a very long time. But for the most part, like most of those who fight with their inner demons, he hid it for everyone else.

I think that during their hiatus TWITCH was his safe haven. It was a place where he could do something he loved and still interact with his ‘fans.’ And when he was asked his OPINION on a REMIX, people decided that that was enough to call for him to be cancelled. And it seems like the company listened to loudest minority. His haven was no longer safe.

I don’t know what happened behind closed doors. I think we all hoped that the company was looking to take legal action against the slander. Now, I’m wondering, did they decide to use Hongbin as a scapegoat for something? I don’t know. I don’t think we’ll ever know. 

Hongbin is NOT perfect. He is not without flaw, the same as any other human being. But I do think he’s one of the strongest people I’ve seen. 

I don’t know for certain, but I hope leaving was something he decided for himself, and not because of my fear that I said earlier. And that’s why I think he’s so strong.

I think he realized that he was in trouble. And I don’t mean with the fans or the company. I think he recognized that there were somethings were not worth paying for with his life.

I truly think that without the other five being there to help emotionally support him (with the Hyung line scattered to the wind for military service and Ravi off being a workaholic with GROOVL1N), Hongbin would not have survived. I know Hakyeon is coming back soon, but could have Hongbin held out for that much longer? 

I don’t know. 

I truly believe that if Hongbin was fighting with the company for something behind closed doors, Hakyeon and Jaehwan would have fought for him when he emotionally couldn’t stand up for himself anymore.

I am proud of Hongbin because he knew his worth. He chose to live. Leaving something that I’m sure is all consuming, that takes a lot of strength. That takes a strong sense of self worth (maybe even self love) and the will to live. 

With the world going to shit this year, it’s hard to find the good in all this. I try to be forever the optimist. And in my mind, if Hongbin really did decide to leave of his own volition, in the long run, perhaps the world is still progressing to a better place. He decided to make the tough decision now, rather than waiting until it was too much; rather than waiting until he saw no other option than to make a decision that there is absolutely no coming back from.

I’m proud that he chose his health over everything else. Even if it makes me upset to see him go.

Because honestly, VIXX isn’t going to be the same without him. 

[rainbowsky]

Ugh. This is (hopefully obviously) not at all what I was going for with that post, and I'm genuinely sorry that it has hurt you in any way. FFS, you're one of my best friends and that is absolutely the last thing I'd ever want.

In retrospect I should have completely removed your name from the ask and from the post, and addressed the anon asks issue in a separate post at a later date if need be. Leaving your name in and trying to cover two topics in one post was a mistake.

So first and foremost, I apologize wholeheartedly, and take full responsibility. Whether intentionally or otherwise, the post clearly wasn't handled properly. Obviously I didn't make it adequately clear that you (and anyone else, for that matter) were not a 'target' of what was being said. I was speaking broadly about my general feelings within the fandom, and not about anyone in specific.

I think sometimes when we get passionate about a topic and express ourselves in such a way, it's easy to accidentally frame the other side uncharitably. I can see how negative things could appear to be implied by what I was saying.

I tried to be very, very clear that I was talking about my own feelings, and that there are other very valid positions that I respect, which disagree with me. Yours being one of them.

I'm going to try to explain what I was really trying to say, and where I was coming from on it, just so that you and anyone else who felt singled out can understand.

To start, I think it bears remembering that my position regarding light banners and fandom colors at events is by far the less popular opinion among most prominent people in the international fandom. If you go on Twitter, Tumblr, anywhere you'll find that almost everyone is speaking up against it, and saying its disruptive, disrespectful and various other, harsher things.

So there is definitely a part of this where I'm feeling a bit defensive of my perspective. I feel passionately about it, but I also feel a bit unsettled. I see people speaking out against it so much that it makes me think, "What am I missing, here? How can my position be OK if everyone else disagrees with me?"

And it puts me into the mindset to try to make a a case about why I feel the way I do.

So when I answered that ask, and Anon said, "If you want to kill a culture, take away their language" it lit something in me. It made me think, "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean!" I feel like people - not you, Vic, or even other turtles in the fandom, but rather the solos - are trying to erase turtles. And it pisses me off.

I think there are valid arguments against wearing fandom colors, I really do, but, "to avoid conflict" isn't one of them for me. Conflict isn't brought by the colors, it's brought by the people trying to stamp out CP fans, who go out of their way to stir up drama around turtles and then say the drama is caused by turtles. CP fans going to events and showing their support in the spirit of fun and of love for GG and DD... it's hard for me to see that as wrong in any way.

And it's not that I think you or other turtles are 'becoming one of them' - I find that idea completely without merit - rather I feel like I'm alone in seeing it as an encroachment or threat to turtles. I-turtles seem to almost universally agree that we shouldn't be showing ourselves as turtles publicly at events where GG and DD aren't both appearing.

I've questioned my position so much, doubted and second-guessed myself so much, but I still keep coming to the same conclusion. I feel like if turtles stop showing themselves at those events, it will be because they were bullied out of it.

And if turtles only ever showed themselves at events GG and DD were both attending, then that would raise a whole other set of issues and complaints and criticisms. That GG and DD can't be seen at the same event without being harassed by shippers (a lot of which is already being said, but it would make it seem even more so like that was true), or that they don't go to the same events anymore because turtles cause them problems (another thing that's already being said, but which would seem more true if turtles were only ever seen at those events).

And I spent a couple of hours on Twitter today, and saw a lot of really negative rhetoric about turtles showing up to events with banners, which only made me feel even more confused. I genuinely wonder, "What am I missing? Why is my position such an outlier?"

So, like I said, it lit something in me to see that quote about taking away language. It just made me so sad.

When I wrote my response, it was from that headspace. My post has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else in particular. It's just my response to the feelings I've been having about the prevailing climate in the fandom around what - to me - is just cute turtle fans showing up and showing their support.

I wish I could convey to you how upsetting that is to me.

The fact that I disagree on this issue has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. It's just my own feelings. I feel like I should have the right to speak about my feelings without it being turned into something I didn't intend. But I recognize that the way that post was handled helped set the stage for that.

As for you as a turtle... I think anyone who would doubt your devotion as a turtle would have to be totally out of touch with reality. You practically single-handedly hold major aspects of the fandom together here on Tumblr. You - for YEARS - have put your money where your mouth is through everything you do as a fan.

You share some of the most beloved, some of the most valuable content. CPN, candies, news and updates, all the edits and gifs and detailed cataloguing of events and timelines, etc. not to mention sharing your endless devotion and obvious deep love for GG and DD and for BXG. I could go on and on.

I would hope that by this stage of the game, anyone who has been following me or following my blog and paying any attention at all would know I would never intentionally harm someone I care about as much as I care about you and the other turtles here. If that's not clear - fuck, shut my blog down. I quit.

But I also feel somewhat at a loss. I don't understand any of this.

And this all goes back to the main point of what I was trying to say in that ask response: fandom should be about acceptance, support, friendship and fun. Conflicts and controversies totally destroy all of that. They only make fandom into some kind of a competition or a war, and that's what I'm always trying to stay away from and discourage people from getting involved in.

I don't just think it's OK to disagree, I think it's totally HEALTHY and IMPORTANT for people to disagree, and to do so openly in a healthy way. I think it's essential that we get to see and experience a variety of perspectives. Especially in a fandom where there is so much diversity such as this one.

Everyone should be able to see that they are not alone - that there are other people who feel the way they do. They should be able to see the ways others see things differently, and in this way broaden their perspective on things. This is something I totally thrive on as a person.

I make no apologies for having a different opinion, or for voicing that opinion. However, I do apologize if I have done so in a way that is in any way hurtful to others. It's never my intent to do so. Quite the opposite.

Things like this are always a reminder to me that I'm an outsider in some pretty major ways, and there are huge things about the way people and groups function that fly right over my head.

i don’t really like focusing on these kinds of things but this rubbed me the wrong way. I think people who didn’t even watch the event, or even asked me what incident i’m talking about just rushed into the conclusion of me being a “cpf traitor” who dare to say something. despite everything i do and years of being a cpf, one thing happens and now i’m somehow the bad person here.

and the nerve to even imply that accounts like me are getting “conditioned” into becoming a solo? like wtf. it’s not that deep. an incident made me cringe, do people even read? I didn’t say “just the headbands”, it’s what the person with the headband was doing. please read again:

this may be acceptable to some but it’s not for me. it’s a chunzhen event for yibo, not a xzwyb rally, so i don’t think someone should be saying bjyxszd at that event when the camera is on them. it’s a live broadcast and can’t be edited out so can we just think for a second about yibo in a professional capacity? that’s the point of the post.

but if you think i’m a “bad cpf” then honestly, i don’t care. i don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

[sage-nebula]

mannnnn thank you for validating my dimitri salt because the fandom take of (usually f!)byleth """saving""" him with their (usually her) """warm hand""" etc. etc. gives me the heebie jeebies. i get that there's a lot of young people in this fandom who haven't necessarily worked out yet that no one should feel responsible for "changing" their significant other! but seeing it everywhere is annoying and i'd rather be over here in my own private salt mine, thank you very much >:(

You are very welcome. Putting the rest of my response under a cut so those who don’t wish to see this don’t have to.

First off, as a disclaimer, I just want to say: I don’t think you necessarily have to be young to be attracted to the “power of love saves all” trope, and I am also a firm believer that you can enjoy something in fiction without endorsing / liking it in real life. I myself am a fan of some dark tropes; I love drama and angst, and I have been known to put characters into downright awful situations that I would never want anyone to suffer through in real life. Fiction serves many purposes, but one of those purposes is to allow people to explore ideas that are dark or terrible in safe avenues that hurt no one. This is why there has been fiction that depicts things like gruesome murders, for example, for centuries. People who write books about murderers (usually) don’t actually murder people themselves, nor do they want anyone to be murdered. They’re just telling a story they thought might be interesting, and others who enjoy that type of story (but also probably aren’t murderers and wouldn’t want to murder anyone in real life) are reading it. So it’s entirely possible that people who are drawn to the idea of F!Byleth “saving” Dimitri from his “darkness” with the power of her love are adults, and are also people who wouldn’t go for that sort of thing in real life. That’s completely possible, and I don’t begrudge those people for it. You do you, and all that. If that’s your type of thing, great. More power to you.

But as you’ve gathered from your posts, I personally don’t like it at all.

I haven’t finished Azure Moon yet, but so far I hate �� pretty much everything about the way Dimitri’s character has shaken out, and how his relationship with Byleth is being forced now. Because let’s get one thing clear: Dimitri’s feelings that Byleth “saved” him are almost as much of a 180 as his feelings regarding not wanting to kill Edelgard, with potentially even less explanation if you can swallow that he, for some reason, believed that Patricia was the first Flame Emperor because Cornelia (enemy and known liar) said so as she was dying right off the bat without any proof to back up the claim. When Dimitri first saw Byleth after five years, he at first thought they were a ghost, and then accused them of being a spy, and THEN went on to say that he didn’t really care either way so long as he could keep murdering people (and still later said that he would “use [Byleth] and [their] friends until [their] flesh fell from their bones” so, yikes). It wasn’t until Dimitri saw Dedue that there was any sign of his behavior changing even slightly. Dedue’s reunion got the romantic sounding music. Dedue brought out the softness in Dimitri. Dedue comes across as a far more natural love interest for Dimitri than Byleth ever could. Once Rodrigue kicks the bucket, Dimitri still pushes Byleth away until he breaks down into a Woe Is Me speech and Byleth offers their hand. At that point Dimitri’s gratitude and fondness for Byleth begins being pushed very hard, in a way that feels unnatural and unrealistic given how he’d behaved up until that point. If Dimitri had been more broken up and touched at Byleth’s reappearance after five years, sure, maybe. But as it stands it feels unnatural, and leads me as a player to believe that Byleth flat out just did not mean as much to Dimitri as they meant to Claude or especially Edelgard.

But all of that—the bad writing, of which there are other instances in Azure Moon, to the point where in my opinion this feels like the Conquest of Three Houses—is a minor issue. The bigger issue is the fact that the game pushes that we’re supposed to sympathize with Dimitri and see him as a tragically heroic figure when I … don’t, at all, for multiple reasons.

The first, and perhaps biggest, issue is the way his trauma and mental illness is being used by the narrative as the defining reason for why we should sympathize with him. Dimitri was traumatized when he was about fourteen by seeing his parents, friends, and others killed brutally in front of him during the Tragedy in Duscur. (Note that in this same incident Dedue witnessed GENOCIDE CARRIED OUT ON HIS PEOPLE, HIS FAMILY MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, but the trauma that he should have from this is basically never touched upon, and instead he acts as though people from Faerghus—you know, the kingdom that COMMITTED GENOCIDE AGAINST HIS PEOPLE—should not associate with him lest it stain their reputations. Hmm. Hmmm.) Somehow, at the tender age of fourteen, Dimitri went on a brutal killing tirade during this incident, delighting in bloodshed, which understandably disturbed and traumatized Felix (whose own brother was slain during that incident, mind, albeit not by Dimitri obviously), who then cut ties with him, not wanting to be friends with someone like that anymore. (Note: Everyone acts as though Felix was the bad one for this, rather than thinking it reasonable to not want to be friends with someone who delights in murder and bloodshed.) As a result of all of this, Dimitri regularly hallucinates the ghosts of his dead relatives and friends, and devotes his entire life to avenging them by murdering whoever was responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, as well as whoever gets in his way of accomplishing that. (Note: “Who was responsible” is something Dimitri will accept with basically no evidence. He believes Edelgard was responsible because she called herself the Flame Emperor and wore a similar outfit to the one he saw back then. Never mind that she is his age and thus was also a fourteen-year-old child at the time; no, he believes she must have magically made herself the size of an adult and was capable of killing not only her own mother, but also his father (who carried a Hero’s Relic!) and countless others. Because that makes sense.)

So. It’s clear that Dimitri has deep-seated trauma, and it’s understandable that he would have trauma from such a grisly, horrible event. It is also true that not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way, and that there is a definite stigma against those who don’t react to their trauma in ways that people can twist to be “cute” or “endearing”. I’ve talked about the Good Survivor vs. Bad Survivor dichotomy among fans on my blog before, and I stand by everything that I said. However, there are several key points to keep in mind:

Not all behaviors can be classed as just “Good” or “Bad”, and furthermore, even if two behaviors are agreed upon to be “Bad”, that doesn’t mean they’re on the same scale. Being asocial and snapping verbally at people isn’t the behavior of a “Good” Survivor, but it’s also not nearly as bad as actually murdering people and doing it as slowly and painfully as possible. Getting on someone’s case because their trauma makes them reluctant to socialize or trust isn’t the same as calling them out for torturing people to death. This shouldn’t have to be said, but this is tumblr, so I’m going to say it.

Succinctly, a shitty past does not excuse a shitty present. Yes, Dimitri was traumatized. No, this DOES NOT justify his actions even before the timeskip, much less after it. Similarly, Dimitri lampshading that his behavior is bad and calling himself ~a monster~ doesn’t make it better, either. If anything, it makes it worse, because Dimitri knows that what he’s doing is horrible and he continues to do it anyway. Just because you’ve been traumatized (rather through a single incident or years of abuse or whatever) doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want. You are accountable for your actions and behaviors, always. Trauma may explain why you behave the way you do, but it does not excuse it.

The problem with the narrative portrayal of Dimitri on Azure Moon (and arguably Verdant Wind as well, since we had an Alas Poor Dimitri moment when he was killed on Verdant Wind despite him literally calling for the deaths of everyone on the field in that path, straight up telling Claude to his face that he was going to kill him) is that the game pretty much flat out tells you that you should sympathize with Dimitri because of his trauma. Oh sure, Felix calls Dimitri “the boar prince” and routinely chews him out, but if you tell Felix that you’re not going to talk to Dimitri shortly after the timeskip, Felix tells you to “not give up so easily” and that Dimitri surrendered his humanity in pursuit of becoming a better killer, as if that’s supposed to make him sympathetic. Rodrigue tells Byleth that he wishes that he had the courage to “scold” Dimitri, but doesn’t actually do anything about it. And every single person present, including both Rodrigue and Gilbert, go along with whatever Dimitri wants, even when what he wants ignores the problem of the fact that Faerghus citizens are starving to death in the streets because of the situation in the capital. Dimitri flat out tells EVERYONE that he is all but abdicating his duties as king in the name of revenge, but rather than Rodrigue or someone else experienced coming to the logical conclusion taht he is therefore no longer fit to be king and relieving him of those duties (not necessarily violently; I doubt he would have put up an argument), they instead just go, “welp, nothing we can do about it we guess” and go along with what he wants, leaving the people to suffer, because Dimitri is of the Blaiddyd bloodline and, well, he’s a sad boy and they feel bad for him.

I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m going to: This is disgusting. It’s disgusting that Dimitri’s trauma is used as a way to try to make the player feel bad for him despite the atrocities he commits time and again right there on screen. When Byleth first returns to the monastery after five years, it’s to find that he’s decorated the place with Empire soldier corpses. Byleth has to mercy kill Randolph before Dimitri can rip out his eyes, something Dimitri grows angry with them for. Dimitri says, immediately after that, the line that has stuck with me: “I’ll use you and your friends until your flesh falls from your bones.” He’s told that the people in Fhirdiad are starving and dying in the streets and need help and he flat out says he doesn’t care. He relishes in bloodshed and crows at every opportunity about how he wants to kill. While both Claude and Edelgard look regretful about the battle at Gronder Field, Dimitri just once again roars about how he wants his soldiers to kill every single person present. And through it all, we’re told that this is okay and we should forgive and feel sorry for him because he’s traumatized. It’s not really his fault, it’s just, ooh, that darn trauma!

As someone who has C-PTSD from years and years of abuse, I can’t begin to tell you how much narratives like this infuriate me. Those of us with trauma aren’t mindless infants who are unaware of our surroundings and incapable of controlling our behavior. When I say “a shitty past doesn’t excuse a shitty present” and “traumatized individuals are responsibel for their behavior,” I say that from the perspective of someone with trauma that affects me to this day. My abuse was such that sometimes I still have nightmares about my biological mother that leave me dazed and distracted for the whole day. I’ve really been through it. But I’m also 100% responsible for my own behavior. It’s my responsibility, and no one else’s, to make sure that I don’t hurt others. If I do something wrong, that’s on me, and my trauma will never excuse or justify it. 

So for the narrative of Three Houses to act as though Dimitri’s rampant murder, (attempted) torture, and love for bloodshed and violence is excusable and forgivable because of his trauma is infuriating to me. It’s infuriating to me how, after that insipid ~warm hand~ moment, Dimitri launches into constant Woe Is Me speeches where we’re meant to reassure him that it’s okay that he committed so many murders for no reason other than to quench his blood thirst, it’s okay that he wanted to use his former friends as meat shields to get what he wanted, it’s okay he abandoned his people to die in the streets, that he’s still a good and worthy king and ~just what Faerghus needs~. We’re supposed to see his return to Fhirdiad as a good thing, an inspiring moment. We’re supposed to side with him when he (I assume) later acts the hypocrite by telling Edelgard that People Dying Is Wrong and that she should surrender to him instead. (Never mind that deaths caused by Edelgard’s actions were caused as a result of a war that was necessary to take down the Church of Seiros, which actually had been ruling all of Fodlan under the guise of letting the different territories rule themselves for ages, while Dimitri just killed Empire soldiers for his own blood thirst and revenge, but you know. If you ask most of the people in the fandom, Saint Didi can do no wrong.)

But the thing is, all of that is bullshit. It wasn’t okay that he committed so many murders for the sake of his own revenge fantasies and blood lust. It wasn’t okay that he wanted his former friends to be his meat shields. It wasn’t okay that he abandoned his people. None of that was okay. And I don’t want to sit here and console him and make him feel better just because he apologies and cries about how he’s The Biggest Monster Ever as a result of his actions. Because a.) his actions were monstrous, and b.) that’s an emotionally manipulative tactic, and I’m here for none of it.

Before I go any further, let me state flat out: I’m not calling Dimitri an emotional abuser. I don’t think that was the intent behind those Woe Is Me pity parties of his, from a writing standpoint, and therefore that’s not what he’s thinking he’s doing when he goes on them. I will call Dimitri many things, including a murderer, but I won’t call him an emotional abuser because I don’t think that was the intent in the writing. However, regardless of whether that was the intent in the writing or not, it doesn’t change the fact that one of the oldest tricks in the emotional manipulation book is, when emotional manipulators / abusers are called out on their behaviors and forced to answer to the things they’ve done, they’ll flip the script and start degarding themselves and talking about how awful they are so their victims end up comforting them. A very basic demonstration of what I mean:

Victim: “It really hurts me when you act like you can’t trust me and go through my phone to see who I’ve been talking to. I feel like my privacy is being violated and like you think I’m dishonest.”

Manipulator: “You’re right, I know I should trust you more. I just get so insecure and scared that you’ll leave me.” 

Victim: “I know you deal with insecurity, but that doesn’t give you a right to go through my things. It really upsets me when you do this.”

Manipulator: “I know, I’m such a horrible person. I’m the worst partner. You deserve so much better than me, I understand that you hate me, I’m just the worst and am absolutely useless and terrible and not fit to be even your friend, much less your partner.”

Victim: “No, wait, that’s not true …”

And on and on. Even if they pepper in “I’m sorry”s in there, it’s never once a genuine apology, because they spend so much time tearing themselves down in an exaggerated fashion that the victim feels like they have to comfort the person who hurt them. Similarly, when Dimitri goes on his speeches about how he’s ~unworthy to be king~ or a monster or whatever, the answer choices given are Byleth comforting him one way or the other. We’re never given an option (beyond telling Felix we won’t talk to Dimitri right after the time skip) to tell Dimitri that he is awful, that he doesn’t deserve to be king, or really to revoke our support in any way at all. And because Byleth is not given that option, the narrative is telling us that the correct “choice” (because there really isn’t one) is to sympathize with and empower Dimitri despite how heinous is behavior is. Because Dimitri was traumatized, poor thing, and thus it’s okay that he brutally murdered all those people for no reason other than his own satisfaction. 

(Note: The game never once says “revenge is wrong because it just breeds more revenge.” Even though it seemed like they were going that way with Randolph and Fleche, it’s not Fleche wanting to murder Dimitri that makes Dimitri realize that what he’s been doing is fucked up, it’s Rodrigue dying defending him from Fleche. So even if you wanted to say that Dimitri being blood thirsty and out for revenge was meant to teach him a lesson about how he should behave, it’s not, because that’s not a lesson he ever actually picks up on.)

And that finally ties into what I think you were driving at in your ask (boy, I’ve been at this for a long time), which is the narrative of someone “saving” someone else with their love. By telling the player that they, as Byleth, should excuse and forgive Dimitri for his atrocities because he was traumatized and sad, the narrative (and all the characters in the narrative) are basically pushing Byleth to be Dimitri’s therapist. And as I said in the tags on one of my Azure Moon hate posts (or maybe on twitter, I can’t remember, it all blends together), I am not here for that.

Aside from the fact that both Edelgard and Claude seem to genuinely care for Byleth the whole way through, the other primary difference between them and Dimitri is the fact that Byleth doesn’t have to play therapist for either of them. Claude, for the most part, doesn’t have any major traumas; he did have to grow up being outcasted for being mixed race, and that is its own kind of trauma which I am in NO WAY diminishing, but that trauma he faced was the more realistic type of trauma that people in real life face every day. He is still the most well-adjusted of the three. As for Edelgard, she is in my opinion even more traumatized than Dimitri, but not only is her trauma handled in such a way that it’s never used as an excuse for her behavior (the experiences that traumatized her helped her form the beliefs that spur her actions, but her actions always route back to those beliefs, not to “ghosts made me do it”), but she also pretty much keeps her trauma to herself as best she can and never hinges her emotional stability on Byleth. Yes, Byleth’s presence helps balance Edelgard since Byleth is a secondary confidant and can therefore offer counter-influence to Hubert’s toxic influence (not bashing Hubert here, I’m just saying, he is the WORST influence), but although it’s made clear that Edelgard deeply missed Byleth for the past five years to the point of lamenting about it constantly to the rest of the Black Eagle Strike Force, she also kept her shit together and didn’t wantonly murder people as a result of Byleth’s absence. When she comes to Byleth with issues, they’re usually tactics or strategy related. Byleth is only ever able to learn about Edelgard’s past in late night moments of emotional vulnerability, such as after a nightmare. And even then, Edelgard sharing those moments is less “HEAL MY PAST TRAUMA AND MAKE ME BETTER, PROFESSOR” and more “okay, I trust you enough to tell you this.” It’s not about helping stabilize Edelgard, it’s about earning enough of Edelgard’s trust to learn of her past.

This is in stark contrast to Dimitri, who, again, is completely off his shits, and him being off his shits is treated as a problem that Byleth (/the player) needs to “fix.” Felix tells you to do something about Dimitri. Rodrigue asks you to steer Dimitri in a better direction. Gilbert and Dedue both thank you for “saving” Dimitri even before he finishes being off his shits. The Azure Moon route is about forcing Byleth into the position of therapist and having them do emotional labor for Dimitri, which is hilarious if you think about how Byleth didn’t even start having emotions until teaching at the academy, but also unbelievably aggravating to me, as a player, because I don’t want to be a therapist for a murderous sadboy. I don’t like Dimitri. I don’t approve of his actions or behaviors. And I don’t give a shit what his reasons are for it. I’m not here to be his therapist or do that emotional labor, and I shouldn’t have to be. No one should have to be, except a paid therapist, and only because they’re being paid and have agreed to take on the job. But even then, Dimitri is still his own responsiblity. He is a grown fucking man. It shouldn’t be my or anyone else’s job to do this for him. Neither Edelgard or Claude (or Yuri, for that matter, in Cindered Shadows) required this much emotional labor and bullshit, for fucksake.

But of course, in all of this, I think what gets me more than anything present in the entire game is the fact how, from what I’ve seen, people in fandom by and large worship Dimitri and bend themselves into pretzels painting him as heroic while simultaneously spitting bile at Edelgard and making her out to be a villain. The contrast in their respective pages on TV Tropes is stark. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Edelgard is a woman (and a queer woman, at that) and Dimitri is a blond white boy, and that’s just the way these things tend to be, but it still pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Fandoms are simultaneously the best and worst of times and this will likely never change. (But honestly, if Edelgard’s role was filled by the blond white pretty boy while Dimitri’s was filled by the woman, I guarantee you that reception to them would be flipped right around. Guarantee.)

Anyway, this turned into a huge rant. I didn’t even expect it to be this long when I started writing. But suffice to say that while I’ve not yet finished Azure Moon, it’s currently my least favorite of the routes I’ve played (best is Crimson Flower, then Cindered Shadows because shut up I’m counting it, then Verdant Wind, and then Azure Moon; I’m ignoring the existence of Silver Snow since I cannot imagine ever not siding with Edelgard when I’ve chosen the Black Eagles), and I cannot stand Didi. He is the worst of the House Leaders by far. Considering how much he has in common with Rhea, it shouldn’t be surprising I feel this way about him, but boy, do I feel this way about him. So go ahead and feel validated, anon. You will not find Didi or Azure Moon love on this blog. You are not alone in this, trust.

[sketchguk]

Hiiiiiii it's anjie againnnnnn. it's so good you're enjoying aapi monthhhhhhhhh. My cousins saw everywhere all at once tooooo and they loved it! Are you planning to read or watch anything else?

I loved the got 7 cb soooooo much 😭😭😭😭 my favorite song is the title song! What is your favorite??? The mv was soooo pretty and jaebeom is bias wrecking me 😭😭😭😭😭😭

You're buying albums and seeing svt live omgggggggggggg. I hope you get to see themmmm 😔 it will be soooo fun

Why is your mom making you buy shares 😭😭😭 KHkjjjjkkj i also bought some shares this month, my bro is slowing teaching me about ittt. I don't understand most of it, but I just buy whatever he says is good 😭😭😭 he probably knows I don't get it, but he doesn't say anything 😭😭😭😭 you and me are both buying shares lkjkjjkj we'll make money and go visit our bfs in Korea 😔

Ohhhh it's exams during cb season? 😔😔 That's so saaaaaad. I will also have to write exams next year , I'm struggling to pick my optional subjects 😔 I have to choose them before next monthhhh.

I miss you tooooooo ,I didn't think you would miss me :(((((((( I will probably come back to tumblr if can manage my studiessssss. I really missing being here 😭😭😭😭😭

Anjieeee 💛💛 yes, yes, I've gotten your asks !!! I'm so sorry it feels like sending a message in a bottle 💔 I like responding to messages on my laptop, but I haven't opened up Tumblr in a while T_T Pls come back to Tumblr bc I miss you !!!!!!! Or send me your whatsapp plsplspsls

Ahh last month, I read some interesting aapi books !! Along with The Joy Luck Club, I've also read Things We Lost to the Water (Eric Nguyen), Disorientation (Elaine Hsieh Chou), Whereabouts (Jhumpa Lahiri), and the Kiss Quotient (Helen Hoang). I also tried audiobooks for the first time because my ebook website wasn't working. I kinda like it because I get to stare at my ceiling (with purpose). Who said I'm not productive??? Some of the books that carried over to this month is Chanel Miller's Know My Name and Murakami's Norwegian Wood. And oh boy, do I have thoughts™️ lajsdkaslk

All the got7 songs are sooo amazing. Each track is wonderful and special, and I will cherish this album like it is my baby. I love the title song, but I also realllyyy like Don't Leave Me Alone 😭 I miss them so, so muchh. Seeing them reunite fills my heart with so much joyyy. The mv for nanana was so pretty ! The sets had me in awe !!! My beautiful boys !!!!

BUT DID YOU SEE JAEBEOM CUT HIS HAIR 😭 It's a buzzcut pretty much. I'm heartbroken LOL. I didn't see that coming at all. I saw a blurry pic from a fan call, and I was like "oh jinyoung!" BUT???? I saw more pics... and I was VERY mistaken. The whiplash was real. Long haired Jae... I miss you dearly... thinking about you forever and always.

I got my svt tickets !!!! I am one step closer to giving junhui an open mouth kiss xoxo. I'll be sure to tell Soonyoung that you love him as well hehe.

I'm also waiting for my album to come in the mail !!! I think the host only received one junhui album :-( so I'm gonna fight for my life to claim that LOL. 2 seungcheol and no seok albums in the batch :-( but there are 5 joshuas... As my second bias, don't ask why he wasn't in my preference list. My heart is a free spirit, totally enamored with 20 different men

Idk why I own stocks. Trust me, we're the same LOL. Idk what I'm doing. I'll just follow what everyone else says. There are plenty people in my life who are finance dudes. They'll be happy to talk to me about it whenever I have a question :') I would try to self study the stock market, but I'm not interested at all LOL. I know this is my responsibility because they're my own finances, but... I'd rather not ;n; One day, when my investments yield real income... you best believe I will take a vacation to Asia LMAO.

What are optional subjects?? Are they like electives?? :0 I'm sure that you'll find joy in whatever course you choose !!!! Good luck studying !!! I shall be a studybug this summer as well T_T I need to get off my ass. Not sure how much more my parents can be disappointed in me, but the bar is LOW. I'm also debating if I should work part time because having spending money sounds nice 😔 But if I go back to my camp counselor job, I know it's gonna be Hell. Remember how miserable I was last year? LMAO. I'm ready to walk through the fire for my low wage, baybieee

Miss you xoxoxoo

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I'm probs in the minority but I actually don't want there to be any new eps. I'd rather think of them raising Rosie together and leave it at that. It was after Gatiss said this "Sherlock is clearly capable of feeling emotion and of falling for someone, but that someone is not John Watson, despite his love and great affection for him" that I realised I don't want them to mess it up anymore than they already have done. Love your blog btw, best on tumblr

Hi Nonny!

No, you’re absolutely not a minority. S4 hurt a lot of us, especially with the interviews done post-S4. A lot of us, almost a year later, have come to accept what we got is what we got, S4 is face value, and like you, choose to be happy thinking that they’re gonna raise Rosie together and want nothing else.

I myself am actually in a weird space where I REALLY want another season if only to explain S4, but am not sure if I want Mofftiss to touch it, because of how they have treated their largest demographic of fans – members of the LGBT community and women – by ridiculing them, blocking them on twitter and admitting to the queerbaiting.

BUT there’s SO many inconsistencies with S4 to the point that I can’t help but Tinhat. It’s to the point that S4 is so ridiculously fake and lazy that I just can’t let go, and I know that it’s Mofftiss’ story to tell, because I really REALLY firmly believe that Johnlock WAS initially endgame and we don’t KNOW what was going on behind the scenes for S4 to be the outcome. A diversionary tactic or not, we will see.

ANYWAY, this isn’t about me; NO you are not terrible for wanting this to be it, Nonny, and that’s a-ok. Lots of people agree with you, a lot are on the fence like me, and a lot are “gimme S5 now!”. It’s all fine

I love this series way too much, and it might be the breaking of me, but *shrugs* I have nothing better to do, so here I am, posting my random opinions into the abyss, LOL.

Thank you for your kind words about my blog!

[rafs13]

1. Spotify (I don't use the others)

2. My room is in between some days its clean and then super messy

3. Dark brown

4. I used to not like my name because the word "fat" is in it, and no one has my name (it's a ethnic name). But now I've grown to love it

5. As of now single

6. Calm, witty (low-key), observant

7. Black

8. I don't have a car yet but if I did it would be a vintage type of brand, and I would want it to be black or sliver.

9. Forever21, H&M, urban outfitters, Isawitfirst

10. I like to wear dungarees, overalls, wideleg trousers, jeans, bucket hats, graphic tee shirts. This is what I wear on a regular day/when I go out. When I go to a party or event I wear jumpsuits, fancy rampers, long vintage style dresses.

11. Tumblr and YouTube! I only use these nothing else. It used to be Gaiaonline.

12. I don't know but it's pretty big.

13. I have 4 siblings (1 brother and 3 sisters)

14. I would like to live in the Avatar the last airbender Universe.

15. I don't use Snapchat

16. I'm not a big makeup person but I will go with Lorelle

17. 6 times a week

18. Avatar the last airbender

19. Size 7

20. 5 feet 5

21. Sneakers. I am a huge sneaker fan

22. Noooope but I should. The only exercise I get is when I dance in my living room for some hours

23. My dream date would be a picnic in a sunny day or a nice boat ride, or a fun fair date.

24. £20

25. I'm not wearing socks but if I was it would be black

26. Two big fluffy pillows

27. As of now no

28. 5 friends

29. Not speaking my mind or holding myself back because of fear. I've done this many times and I want to change.

30. Strawberry Cheesecake

31. Kai, Abiodun, luka

32. Korra, Blessing, Grace

33. I don't really have one

34. Zendaya

35. I will leave clues instead of saying who. He is a rapper/singer, has a amazing personality, apart of a boy band and owns their own record label

36. Bride wars ( I have watched it a million times and I never get tired of it)

37. I read but not as much as before. My favourite book is of mice and men & children of blood and bone

38. Brains. I'd rather have intelligence and a sound mind than money. At least I will be happy.

39. Fat rat, double D

40. I don't know but I don't go regularly

41. I don't have a top 10 list but my favourite songs are If God Spoke + Fall by Chloe x Halle, Black water lilies + In the eyes of a child + a different kind of human by AURORA, Dreams by the Cranberries, & eye adaba by Asa

42. I take vitamins by choice but I'm not any medication

43. My skin is quite soft and a little oily

44. Holding myself back because of fear. Also regretting not taking a chance.

45. As many as God blesses me with

46. A bun/top bun

47. My house is pretty big

48. Jesus, my parents and siblings, Zendaya

49. My last compliment was from my sister, she said I looked very pretty 😊

50. It was "I will next time". My cousins and siblings were planning to do a video call with each other because we are all in quarantine. I missed the first video call so I agreed to come next time

51. I don't know but it must be under 13 years old, at that age I knew Santa wasn't real.

52. I don't know maybe a Mercedes Benz

53. Not a fan. I think it does nothing positive

54. No Ive graduated

55. To animate/ work on a animated series

56. Rural area

57. Yes. If I paid for the hotel you best believe I will make the most of what I paid for

58. Yes. On my hands I have some freckles.

59. Yes but I always look awkward lol.

60. I don't know

61. Nope

62. Yes I do!

63. I haven't tried Wendy's chicken nuggets (I live in the UK and I don't think we have Wendy's) so MacDonalds

64. Ketchup. I put in on most of my meals these days lol.

65. A top and sweatpants

66. Nope

67. Drawing, playing video games, watching cartoons/anime, dancing in my living room, writing stories/fanfics,

68. Yes

69. No. I want to learn how to play the Ocarina

70. I saw AURORA live in concert in 2016

71. Tea. Coffee smells nice though but it tastes horrible. Tea tastes so much better to me.

72. Starbucks

73. Yes, someday

74. I don't have a crush on anyone I know right now

75. I want to but the idea of hythening my maiden surname to my future husband's surname sounds appealing to me.

76. Black

77. My mom

78. I sleep with a closed door. If it's open I feel like someone could come in if they pass by, and it just feels better for me closed

79. I believe ghosts exits

80. Loud chewers/eaters, mean people who take advantage of insecure or quiet people, a messy kitchen, someone farting around me and leaving a lingering smell, liars

81. My elder sister

82. Its out of Mint chocolate, salted caramel & vanilla

83. Regular Oreos

84. Rainbow sprinkles. Chocolate sprinkles are too bland.

85. A white t shirt

86. My lock screen is a image a drew, and my screensaver is a image of the characters of Voltron legendary defender

87. Shy but I am learning to be outgoing these days

88. No.

89. I'm indifferent when it comes to my neighbours. I don't hate them but we aren't so close

90. I wash my face mostly at morning

91. Nope and I don't plan on it.

92. No

93. Pasta

94. My favourite lyric is "wrapped inside a cocoon made of flesh and bones, doesn't really matter where you come from, we are home."

95. Summer. I used to think winter but I noticed the days are longer in summer and everyone is more happier during summer.

96. Night. At night I feel more calm than during the day.

97. I can't choose between milk and white chocolate

98. I would say the months in summer

99. I am a Aquarius

100. My elder sister

Unusual Asks

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

is your room messy or clean?

what color are your eyes?

do you like your name? why?

what is your relationship status? 

describe your personality in 3 words or less

what color hair do you have?

what kind of car do you drive? color?

where do you shop?

how would you describe your style?

favorite social media account

what size bed do you have? 

any siblings?

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

favorite snapchat filter? 

favorite makeup brand(s)

how many times a week do you shower?

favorite tv show?

shoe size?

how tall are you?

sandals or sneakers? 

do you go to the gym? 

describe your dream date

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

what color socks are you wearing? 

how many pillows do you sleep with?

do you have a job? what do you do? 

how many friends do you have? 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

whats your favorite candle scent? 

3 favorite boy names

3 favorite girl names

favorite actor? 

favorite actress? 

who is your celebrity crush?

favorite movie? 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

money or brains? 

do you have a nickname? what is it? 

how many times have you been to the hospital?

top 10 favorite songs

do you take any medications daily? 

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

what is your biggest fear? 

how many kids do you want? 

whats your go to hair style?

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

who is your role model? 

what was the last compliment you received?

what was the last text you sent?

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

what is your dream car? 

opinion on smoking?

do you go to college? 

what is your dream job? 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

do you have freckles? 

do you smile for pictures?

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

have you ever peed in the woods? 

do you still watch cartoons? 

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Favorite dipping sauce? 

what do you wear to bed? 

have you ever won a spelling bee?

 what are your hobbies?

can you draw? 

do you play an instrument?

what was the last concert you saw? 

tea or coffee?

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

do you want to get married?

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

what color looks best on you? 

do you miss anyone right now? 

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

do you believe in ghosts?

what is your biggest pet peeve? 

last person you called`

favorite ice cream flavor? 

regular oreos or golden oreos? 

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

what shirt are you wearing? 

what is your phone background?

are you outgoing or shy?

do you like it when people play with your hair?

do you like your neighbors? 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

have you ever been high? 

have you ever been drunk? 

last thing you ate? 

favorite lyrics right now

summer or winter? 

day or night? 

dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

favorite month? 

what is your zodiac sign

 who was the last person you cried in front of? 

[my-mystic-messenger]

So like a lot of people like YouTube couples and stuff, right? What do you think how would RFA and Saeran react to MC turning out to be a YouTuber, maybe even inviting them into a video? Like what kind of video would they make and stuff like that. I'd really love to see your spin on things. Thanks for the hard work :3

Bless you, anon. This is the shit I am talking about! I tried to make this as diverse as possible, so the HC’s look quite different for each of them

|| REQUEST ARE (ALWAYS) OPEN!! ||

Zen

♬ asan actor Zen has to know how to handle media

♬ platformslike Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook have a big impact on his career

♬ theyalso give him the chance to see what his fans (and haters) thinkabout him

♬ still,all the time he was merely an observer

♬ henever even considered possibly going on YouTube and making videos

♬ untilhe caught you filming a video for your channel

♬ you’dbeen a little embarrassed about it, mainly because you’d kept it asecret for so long

♬ itjust sounded sort of…strange to say that you were a professionalYouTube

♬ butwith over 15 Million subscribers you were good in the game

♬ ittook Zen days to wrap his head around that number

♬ 15Million people just waiting for you to put up a video once a week

♬ whenyou told him just how much you earned on top of that, he was shook

♬ Zenwas obviously very happy for your success, but a small, ugly part ofhim was jealous

♬ he’donly dream of that big of a number of people admiring him

♬ youcould tell how much it was wearing down on him and you felt horrible

♬ youdidn’t have to work half as hard as Zen and still had the biggerfollowing

♬ thatis when you got the idea; you asked him to join you for a video

♬ aftertalking it over with his agency you set the video up

♬ thetwo of you still weren’t allowed to hint at the fact that you weredating, but you were allowed to be friends and continue to makevideos should they be a hit

♬ aftera while of discussing the two of you had decided on covering a songtogether

♬ youboth knew that a romantic song was out of question so the decisiondidn’t take long

♬ thetwo of you covered 7 years by Lukas Graham

♬ yousat beside each other, making the music together while singing at thesame time

♬ yourvoices sounded perfect together and neither of you could stop smilingand stealing glances

♬ onceup the video went viral extremely fast

♬ somepeople were fans of Zen, happy to hear him sing on YouTube, othersnow turned into fans

♬ hispopularity grew more and more with every day

♬ somuch so that people started demanding he start his own YouTubechannel or become a fixed part of your channel

♬ youwouldn’t have minded that at all and apparently Zen agreed

♬ whilehis agency didn’t allow him to start his own channel they did agreeto more collaborations

♬ so,you turned Friday into Collab-Day, posting a new song with Zen everyweek

♬ Zenpopularity reached it’s peak when producers and agency got more andmore drawn to him

♬ hecould barely fend off job offers

♬ abouta year after your first collab he was supposed to star in 5 moviesand had changed agencies

♬ morespecifically to one that was more acceptant of your relationship anddidn’t demand hiding it

♬ whenhe proposed to you he did it through song, during a video for thewhole world to know

♬ afterthat you started a second channel, just the two of you

♬ youposted everything on there, from music to vlogs

♬ butthe very first video was a little collage of your wedding and honeymoon

Yoosung

★ you see Yoosung is one of those people who follow Let’s Play type of channels, gamers like himself

★ the thing about those is though that a lot of them don’t show their faces (take Cry for example)

★ you were one of those so even after meeting you, he had no idea that you were a YouTuber

★ let alone the infamous SediLusiVici, one of the most famous gamers and the one he’d been following religiously for years now

★ he finds out in the – for him – most shocking and surprising way possible

★ SediLusiVici was having a collab with PewDiePie and the two of you decided to play LOLOL

★ PewDiePie suggested to attack the top three players of which two were none other than Seven and of course Yoosung

★ when he’d suggested that you’d laughed, telling PewDiePie that number one was one of your best friends and number two was your husband

★ Yoosung’s face had completely frozen as he stared at the screen, PewDiePie gasping in the background as you laughed your ass off

★ “You’re kidding, right?”

★ “No, man, I’m serious. I know both of them. I know their real names and what they do for a living and stuff like that and Yoosung is my real life husband.”

★ “Daaaamn…wanna ruin their top rankings?”

★ “You betcha, bro!”

★ so for about an hour Yoosung watched the two of you climb and climb in rankings until SediLusiVici had kicked HackerGod and SupremeYoosung from their respective spots on the top

★ it was as shocking as it was mesmerizing

★ by the time you came home from work Yoosung was still staring at the opened video

★ you greeted him cheerfully until you noticed what he was watching and blushed

★ “Fuck…I didn’t know you watched…that…”

★ you didn’t really fight about it, nor was he mad that you’d messed up his game, but he couldn’t believe that you never told him you were his absolutely favourite YouTuber?!

★ you were flattered and happy he liked your work and decided to invite him into a video

★ especially as a lot of people had requested a video of husband and wife together

★ of course Yoosung said yes and a couple of days later you started a Stream

★ you introduced your husband to your community and took the time to answer some of their questions

★ everyone was actually rather excited to get to know Yoosung as well!

★ Yoosung was shy about it at first, but very happy too

★ so many people actually admired him for his gaming skills!

★ in that video the two of you took the time to take down HackerGod together, laughing the entire time

★ it would be rather funny to read what Seven had to say about this once he saw he’d been defeated

★ twice…

★ with you on top and Yoosung back to second place you ended the stream

★ it was one of your most watched videos ever

★ after that you collab quite a lot, sometimes even Seven joins in

★ it’s usually you and Seven ganging up on Yoosung

★ he’s always grumpy about it

★ the fandom finds it hilarious

★ of course it’s all in good fun ;)

Jaehee

♨ shefound out in the probably most anti-climatic way

♨ youstraight up asked her whether you wanted her to post a little add onyour YouTube channel

♨ youthought that maybe it would bring in some more customers

♨ she’dagreed, of course

♨ theidea was brilliant and wouldn’t cost either of you any money

♨ whatshe didn’t really know was just how big your channel was

♨ andjust how much revenue it would bring to the cafe

♨ merelya couple of days after you told her you posted it, there wasn’t aminute the cafe wasn’t packed

♨ everyonewanted to try out that cafe you’d talked about in your latest blog

♨ whenit dawned on Jaehee just how popular you were she also realized thatyou must be putting a lot fo effort into your blog

♨ butwhen?

♨ youworked together and lived together

♨ youtold her that you used the nights to record as to not disturb her

♨ themoney you used mainly for bills or to invest into the cafe

♨ Jaehee’sheart melted when she found out

♨ sheinstantly asked you on how to make it up to you, do something for you

♨ youinsisted she didn’t need to, but she wanted it

♨ youthen suggested for her to join you in a video

♨ youhad an idea but needed help for it

♨ Jaeheehappily agreed

♨ thatis how the two of you found yourself in your kitchen at home, camerasaid

♨ youwere doing the cooking challenge

♨ whichin itself wasn’t a thing, but you made it one, since you couldn’tcook or bake for shit

♨ everythingstarted out fine, almost like a cooking tutorial

♨ Jaeheeand you had picked something simple to start with

♨ ifpeople liked it, you’d suggested making it a series

♨ thepasta actually turned out pretty fine and you were surprised

♨ youate it before continuing part two of the video and neither of you hadto throw up, so…

♨ parttwo is where it got really fun

♨ Jaeheewanted to teach you how to bake a cake

♨ thatis very complicated though

♨ itstarted when you accidentally tripped and flour was spread all overJaehee, you and the kitchen

♨ afterthat everything just turned into a little war

♨ bythe time you called it quits the video was extremely long, the cakewasn’t happening and the two of you were covered in everything andanything

♨ “So,if you want to learn how to destroy your kitchen in just a few easysteps feel free to follow this tutorial!”

♨ needlessto say that cooking challenge did turn into a series

Jumin

♛ Juminisn’t good with technology, he never was

♛ he’sincapable of using an IPhone camera and took ages to uncover all ofthe features of the RFA-app

♛ hedidn’t even really know what YouTube was, let alone how to use it

♛ hehad other things on his mind than silly little videos on the internet

♛ thatwas until he found out that apparently you were a professionalYouTuber

♛ anda very famous one at that

♛ atfirst he was confused and didn’t know whether to take it serious ornot

♛ butthen you told him you could work from home and he was extremelysupportive

♛ youstill had a job like you wanted, earned your own money like youwanted but never had to leave the apartment without him whichmeant you were safe and he didn’t have to worry – Perfect

♛ thatis until you ask him to join you for a video

♛ despitebeing a public figure, talking like that seems uncomfortable

♛ thatis until you explain what the boyfriend tag is and how it works

♛ heinstantly relaxes, happy to parade your relationship for everyone tosee and here

♛ thetwo of you sat down together, started the camera and you beganreading questions

Whendid we meet and where?

”Wemet in a special chatroom a couple of months ago”

“It’smuch sweeter than it sounds, really!”

Wherewas our first kiss?

“Atmy apartment.”

“Yeah,in front of Sarah.”

“You’restill mad about that?”

“Well,it sure wasn’t romantic, Jumin.”

Whosaid “I love you” first?

“Me,although you realized it first, I think.”

“Youwere very emotionally constipated when we first met.”

“Youstill chose me though.”

“Youwere rich.”

♛ whenhe looked at you unimpressed you laughed and stole a quick kiss

♛ theblush that spread on his cheeks was very pleasant to look at

Whendid you meet my parents?

“Atour wedding. They were very nice.”

“Thingswere very…quick, between the two of us…”

Whatis the one thing you wish I didn’t do?

“Putyourself in danger to help others all the time. I told you to be moreselfish.”

“Younever let me forget, honey, but you know I’ll still continue doingit.”

Wherewas our first date?

“Isyou sleeping at my place considered a date?”

“Jumin,that sounds perverted!”

“What?How? We didn’t even sleep in the same bed for most of the time”

“Jumin!”

♛ hewas the one to end the video by pulling you in for a passionate kisswhile reaching out for the camera to turn it off at the same time

Saeyoung/Seven

☼ Sevenobviously found out about your YouTuber activity when he did abackground check on you

☼ however,he never actually visited your channel or such

☼ hisprogram deemed it safe, so there was no need to do that

☼ untilyou started dating and he found out just how much money one couldmake off it

☼ allthese years he’d been busting his ass hacking and doing illegal shit

☼ constantlyliving in the shadows and hiding

☼ andthere you were, making funny sketches and skits for close to 20Million subscribers

☼ earninga whole chunk of money and doing so risk free

☼ hefelt a little betrayed by those circumstances, so he started his ownYouTube channel

☼ obviouslybeing a new YouTuber is hard, especially when there are so manyalready established ones

☼ sohe swallowed down his pride and asked you for help

☼ obviouslyyou said no at first

☼ youwere still paying him back for being a dick to you when you first met

☼ andall the pranks he pulled after

☼ whenhe’d dressed as a maid and begged you on your knees though, you had agood idea

☼ yousaid yes

☼ obviouslyafter taking a picture of him first…for research purposes

☼ thatnight he’d checked out as many of your videos as possible, making aprofile for himself

☼ he’dhad it all planned out, ready to film something funny andentertaining

☼ maybeeven a prank video

☼ insteadhe was met with a huge box of make-up waiting for him

☼ WTF?!You’d never done anything make-up related videos before

☼ didyou even know how to do make-up?

☼ the answer was no, Seven foundout soon after

☼ youwere doing the my boyfriend/girlfriend does my make-up thing

☼ you’dreally thought it would be funny, you really did

☼ youknew you were shit at make up, incapable of even so much as wingedeyeliner

☼ youthought Seven was the same and you’d both bullshit the whole thingfor jokes

☼ youthought wrong, because Seven took that shit serious

☼ hedid some mean contour, smokey eyes, perfect eyeliners and lips

☼ heeven did some magic on your eyebrows!

☼ youalmost felt bad when the two of you turned to the camera

☼ youeach looked at your reflection, then at each other, then back at thecamera

☼ Sevenburst into laughter first, you followed soon

☼ apparentlyhis crossdressing had taught him some valuable lessons

☼ “Subscribeto his channel my babies. He’ll give you some mean make-uptutorials.”

☼ you’dbarely gotten out the words between laughter before ending the video

☼ Sevendid actually give make-up tutorials

☼ notonly that but he also gave tips on cosplay, wig care and tips forcrossdressers in general

☼ sometimeshe also pranked Yoosung

☼ sometimestwice a week

☼ hegained followersvery quickly

Saeran

☀ youtold Saeran about your YouTube career relatively early on

☀ itwas during one of those days where he completely shut off and youfilled the silence with babble

☀ youtalked about how you’d started YouTube in the first place

☀ howyou used your channel to promote good causes and even raise money forshelters and stuff

☀ howyou wished you were good enough at make-up to do tutorials

☀ andhow you’d messed up even the most simple smokey eye in your eagerness

☀ sillystories in hopes of getting him out of his shell

☀ youhadn’t really thought that he’d listened to you

☀ notuntil one day, many many months later, he told you that he’d enjoyedyour latest video

☀ you’dbeen shocked for quite a while after, wondering how long he’d beenwatching

☀ whenyou’d finally gathered the courage to ask Saeran had blushed, leavingyou baffled

☀ headmitted that he’d been watching you way before you even told himabout it

☀ infact that is why he’d chosen you was because he’d known you from yourvideos

☀ somuch so that he’d desperately wanted you to join Magenta and Mint Eye

☀ whichfor Saeran is just a way of saying he found you cute

☀ afterthat you catch him watching your videos more often, always smiling tohimself

☀ heeven lurks around when you film them, obviously suppressing theexcitement he felt

☀ ittook you a while to invite him into your videos

☀ notbecause you were ashamed, but because you’d worried he’d hate theidea

☀ (youalso weren’t quite sure what kind of video he was okay filming)

☀ whenyou asked him he was extremely excited about the entire thing

☀ buthe did refuse to do anything boyfriend tag related

☀ youwere a little disappointed, but understood

☀ noteveryone liked that cutesy stuff and Saeran was one of those people

☀ insteadyou thought that following the trend might be a good idea

☀ ChallengeVideos 

☀ the first video you filmed was a try not to cry challenge

☀ ittook you approximately two minutes and one video including a dog tobawl your eyes out

☀ Saeranmeanwhile just looked at the videos as if he was trying to solve ahard puzzle

☀ needlessto say he didn’t cry one

☀ “Do you even have a heart?!” 

☀ “I thought we discussed this already, Princess. The answer is obviously no.”

☀ youjust stared at him for a while before ending the video

☀ peopleloved it

☀ thecontrast between you and what they assumed to be your boyfriend wasstraight up hilarious to them

☀ theyalso applauded him for not losing the challenge and asked for anothervideo

☀ thistime you took a different route; try not to laugh challenge

☀ youheld it in for as long as you could, but burst out laughing when theylooped someone falling on their nuts

☀ meanwhileSaeran had the same face again, frowning and focusing without asingle laugh

☀ “Dude,this is freaking grade A content how the hell are you notlaughing?”

☀ “Huh?The challenge said not to laugh. I’m good at that…”

☀ “…wow…thisgot really sad real quick

☀ “Wellit’s good then that this isn’t the try not to cry challenge then,right?”

☀ hesmirked at you and you frowned

☀ thedamn video got multiple million views

SediLusiVici means I sat, I played, I won in Latin, for anyone who cared…

[aikainkauna]

It's very sweet of you to say that; thank you. I wish I had that kind of faith in my wri--no, actually, scratch that, because people who think they are super-talented geniuses are often such cunts, and don't bother to use enough quality control at times because they're overconfident. See every rubbish writer whose personal views and fetishes and personalities/egos shine through in their works to the point of embarrassment squick. (Not that you *can't* write about your fetishes and views, but good writers make those relatable and immersive instead of making the reader wince.)

Anyway, considering the amount of time I spend rereading and re-editing my fics (for word choices rather than chopping out pieces, mind), I have the opposite problem in that I always find something that embarrasses me and I want to fix it. The usual syndrome of the poet who is never 100% satisfied and is still revising her poems on her deathbed. (The other day, I realised--to my horror--that if I were a film director, I'd be the female von Stroheim. Complete with whip.) So what's difficult, almost impossible for me is to decide when something should be left alone and what could/ should be tweaked. It's easier for me to leave alone shitty old fics in fandoms I'm no longer active in, but from 2012 (i.e. Anno Veidt) onwards, all the Conniefic is this living, breathing work I'm engaging with all the time, like a wild-ish garden. I'm constantly planting new stuff and raking away dry leaves, but haven't got the heart to prune every sprawling rosebush full of gaping bums (but I may change the 'hole's into 'anus'es and 'juices' and 'pre-ejaculate's into 'sap's). But it's always difficult to not overstep and go all George Lucas on that stuff. Should I preserve 2014 Grouse, even if 2018 Grouse's way of expressing the same thing is a bit more refined, since her vocabulary is better?

But, IDK. Now I rambled mostly about re-editing older fic. And this is a bit different. The problems I'm running into are the good old syndrome of having said/done the same things a million times already, and the quietness of the fandom because I don't get the stimulation that talking about the ships/movies/fics provides. The latter alone could keep me going indefinitely, but people tend to drift away and/or have lives (and that's human) and the rest of the Veidt fandom is full of asexuals (which is fair enough) or outright prudes (which is tiring) or child-women or such mind-blind types I can't even have a normal pervy fangirl conversation about ships and porny fic with them. So I don't really have the chance to grab more inspiration/confidence because the dynamic interpersonal back-and-forth (which is like an engine for fic!) isn't there. There have been like... maybe half a dozen of the usual fanficcer types in that fandom?! (Why did the timeline of the woman who wrote the first slashfic and was *also* a Connie fan not overlap with mine? The injustice!)

Anyway, now I digress into whining again. But it's definitely an unusual thing, having to find your way in the dark and to write all the fic in a fandom without never quite knowing what works in the way you want it to work (rant about the death of fic commenting culture here. Thanks a lot for making everyone paranoid, Tumblr moral police and anxiety culture. Works real well on top of The Patriarchy and Shitty Female Self-Esteem already making women ashamed of/bullied and traumatised out of expressing sexuality or anything else, for that matter). Oh, godsfuckingdammit, but I am a grumpy sod tonight, aren't I? I could've used all these keystrokes on Roses 24 instead!

Anyway, bottom line: I know people come in for the porn. I don't want to let them down. The moment they think it's gen, they fuck off--The Fields of Longing has some of the hottest and queerest and rawest sex scenes I've ever written for Jaffar/Pwinzezz, but guess what? Despite all those kinks listed in the tags, I made the mistake of using a cute and funny and characteristic scene as my excerpt in the summary and it's one of my least read ToBfics. But mention "rimming" or "a sadistic Nazi baron" and WLW pussynommings in the summary and BOOM, blockbuster time.

So, you know. I am not going to fool myself; the poetry and the history and the OCs and the mysticism are treats for myself and not what 98% of the readers come in for. And I hate false advertising so fucking much, and those fics that put in one clumsy paragraph-long sex scene at the end just to hike the rating up, to lure in readers. So, having been disappointed by those myself, I don't want to inflict that same kind of emotional suffering onto anyone else. It's like getting someone hot and wet and then suddenly cockblocking them, and that's *low.* If it fuckin' says Explicit and the tags list kinky shit, I want to give people their money's worth.

I know. Fucking laughable of me to think of the readers so much since nobody comments anymore and it's the done thing to take porny fanfic for granted, to not give a shit--but I can't help it; it's an honesty thing, a fairness thing. Is this my mixed Finnish/British acculturation/socialisation thing? Is this toxic femininity-style excessive self-sacrifice again? (It sure as hell is toxic-feminine passive-aggressive bitching, this post, Grouse. Stop whining.)

But I mean it. I'm in tears here because I fucking CARE about the fics and the readers and the characters, sincerely. If I'm pissed off at the death of commenting culture, I am *not* saying that because my ego needs stroking but because of the wider, social, cultural reasons--whenever I'm upset about something it's always, *always* because of a thing's wider implications; personal matters are so small and insignificant when you're looking at the bigger picture. I mourn for collective, human reasons, like the grief an anthropologist feels when watching a dying folk dance, hearing the ancient poems from the lips of the last person who remembers them and who is 101 years old with nobody left to pass it on to. That day the last speaker of a language dies. The grief of looking at Alexandria's ruins and kids using them as toilets, using the last scraps of paper from ancient inventors' books as loo roll.

So, all in all, it's so fucking difficult to get right when you're navigating with no echo, no radar, no knowledge of what works and what doesn't. And the opposite is/was what makes fanfic unique, I find: the human contact. The back-and-forth, the organic feeling, the connectedness, the feeling of yourself and your work being a part of something bigger.

I suppose that's a major part of what being human is all about--wanting to connect, to contribute, to feel like your work matters. And I don't want to lose those connections, the pathways, the human-to-human portals the fic--the sex scenes, specifically--create. I'd hate for it to grow cool, for it to fade away, because passion is such an integral part of it; hell, passion is the very core of it, from which the stories and creativity itself emerge--the spark of passion, attraction, love that is our relationship with these characters. I'd be *horrified* if I ever started to truly lose *that.*

Actually, Dave up there once said one of the most wonderful things anyone's ever said of a fic of mine--that it "makes love with the audience." So that's at the core of my concern--how to keep that lovemaking going while still growing (and aging!) as a person, and to hopefully share a part of that journey with the readers, to be on the same train with them for a few stories' duration at least. I want to give the best I can, for the characters, for Connie, for the readers, for myself and for the world.

Because I care, dammit.

Query

Legitimate non-jokey query:

Is 3-3,5 pages long enough for a satisfactory Grousefic sex scene? This includes foreplay, with Jaffar undressing Yassamin with The Veidtgaze™ and stuff. But they kind of breezed through it and there was no major kink or even bumming, just a cosy and simple old-married-couple exchange of tenderness. I’d kind of built up to it, even at the start of the fic (where they already had a one-paragraph quickie and said they’d do a proper shag later that night), so now I worry it might feel anticlimactic. Especially because I am the queen of neverending marathon sex scenes, which I know (most?) readers expect from me. I mean, I know they aren’t there for the deep insights of medieval Islamic metaphysics in relation to cheetah-rearing in 9th century Samarkand, that’s for sure.

IDK. My libido isn’t quite what it used to be and I feel like I’m entering early menopause (and it actually feels pretty nice and like I have more energy than I used to do), so that influences the fics as well, of course. Hasn’t stopped me from being a pervert, of course, and it’s not like I’ll have the motivation to write pure gen or anything (I need those hotties to bang!) but I feel like the balance is shifting a bit there. And I know my sex scenes have been too stop-start-stop and it gets tedious even for me when I reread the stuff, so it’s more like I’m now making them more concentrated than spread out all over the place, and that I am (or rather, Jaffar is) no longer trying to shoehorn ten kinks into one night when a few will do quite nicely.

So, anyway. What are your thoughts?