#I'd rather just die yknow

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

I wish I could kill myself without killing myself

[daz4i]

sometimes "i need to kill myself" isn't a statement that comes out of sadness or a unique sense of despair but rather just stating a fact

[arolesbianism]

The Joshua section of my oni playlist is looking great so far

[mosspapi]

Trying to find literally any photo of myself that I think is tolerable for this self portrait assignment and there just. Are none. Either I hate my face significantly more than I thought I did or I'm just extremely unphotogenic. Probably both unfortunately. Rip me

[djpachipikachu]

So the most romantic in the relationship is Leo? Because...well, Yuichi is not one to call Leo names.

Can I give some flowers to Yuichi? I don't know what his favorites are.

i wouldnt say romantic since theyre both aroace and their love is queerplatonic ! they think of each other as their best friend above all else

Y: "wow you are my best friend and i'll vomit at the idea of kissing you on the mouth" L: "same bro"

but ehh i also Wouldnt say that hes the most ? passionate with it ? hes the most open with his affection , Shows it the most , sure, but i think yuichi is the more intense in his feelings yknow especially since leo has weird commitment and attachment issues issues BUT LIKE . basically id say yuichi is a Little more into it but its just shown more in private rather than openly , leo knows it well

however one doesnt love more than the other of course ! its just like . they show it differently ! theyre both equally dedicated 2 each other

"i'd kill for you. and die for you. i’ll love you like a dog. you don't need to love me back. i'll devote my life to you, lowkey. maybe." "can we do laundry together"

also yes u can give some flowers !! his favorites are skeleton flowers and bee orchids :] and he loves plants so so much so hes a happy fella

"thank you!! so much!! i've never seen bee orchids in person before, they're so cool, and--they're my favorite show of floral mimicry to attract pollinators, they do it so well, and i've never seen skeleton flowers outside of japan wow"

[cowboy-robooty]

PruPan (Prussia x Japan) For the grid

I know who sent this. I can smell your prupan and self-ship wif japan from a mile away **heart eyes emoji** thank you for being the only mf who wants to hear my opinions. anyways so i thought about it and realized actually prussia and japans dynamic is the greatest thing ever. Because see i believe in cuck japan romantically FOREVER. i think japan has like best broship in the platonic dating style (if you experience that shit you know what i mean) with america and like hes emotionally fulfilled from that but also he desperately wants a boyfriend or girlfriend or oysterfriend just anyone to have that shoujo romance and tentacle freak sideways tango with. but the thing is that he literally always fails and is in one-sided crushes Forever and always and its always japan crying to his best bro america about his fail ass love life and america is like lol couldnt be me! but it's fine because he still has his best bro and like yknow... its like how family and friendship is two different things that are both need. like moral orel about the f words (family, faith, friends) but with b. bros, booty, and bazinga... like idubbbz! (as long as you have one of those you won't be lonely). but anyways see i believe japans biggest crush of all is on italy and obviously prussia has his huge ginormous crush on italy too but like i think that actually they are aware of eachothers crushes but dont care because they dont see eachother as threats at all bc theyre like "omg this dude is so cooked he aint even competition lol i feel bad for him" towards eachother.

and i think its actually really funny because see prussia is a desperate motherfucker and honestly not hard to pull at all. like if you have sex with him hes the type who goes "uhmm youre my boyfriend now right?" or if you confess to him hell take your feelings genuinely seriously and think about it and 90% of the time end up saying YES!!! I LIKE YOU TOO!!!!!! and japan is also desperate but he would literally date anybody Except prussia. like it's like how italy will fuck anybody Except Prussia. LIke japan could potentially get together with anybody under the right circumstances except prussia lol even if they were trapped in alkatraz together for 18 years he would never be prussia's prison boyfriend he just doesnt have the capacity to love him. and its really funny because prussia is literally the only mf who has the capacity to feel romantic love towards japan in a twist of horrible fate because japan pissed off cupid in his past life and will never ever fucking win at romance. The only conceivable way is if he asked out prussia but prussia is the only mf he would rather die a virgin with while stranded on an island for 3000 years with than fuck and try to repopulate the planet with yaoi babies. so yeah they compell me a lot in this sense because this is fucking hilarious and amazing and I'd like for them to act pitying to eachother about their crushes on italy bc they're like "mhm mhm yeah you have a chance (lying)" even though they both strapped in the same jigsaw trap lawl. but I dont think i ship them because of what i said above. thank you for sending this though this was some really good shit to think about and i think ill draw them interacting more because this is an incredible discovery.... best discovery since alfred wagner and the tectonic plates !

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my ex-best friend that she's not invited to my wedding? (🚫👰‍♂️ for reference)

Light context, I (20s X) used to be very close with this girl we'll call F (20s F) for close to 15 years. We had a few falling outs in high-school but maintained a casual friendship afterwards as we went into college and beyond. From a really young age, we both made the promise to each other that we'd be each other's maid of honor at our respective weddings, and that promise would be occasionally referenced during our friendship (yknow, typical bff things).

To make a very long story short, the last chunk of our friendship I started acknowledging that she really wasn't the best influence on me and really worked to make everyone around us believe her narrative about our friendship (things like lying for years about how we became friends and refusing to acknowledge the correct story, or inserting herself into my family, including during a really traumatic time and she got upset when people weren't asking her about how much she was upset, things like that ect.). I had given up even trying to argue against it so I'd agree with her on a lot of it.

She was engaged a few years ago and ended up asking me to be her MOH, which I accepted at the time. What ended up happening was that the wedding was canceled, and I never got my dress I had pulled money from my savings to pay for, nor the money back.

I made the conscious decision at that point to start to distance myself from her, both in person and on the phone, but would still losely message her if I knew she was the best person to talk to about something. When I first started dating my fiancé, F was one of the main people I talked to about our budding relationship.

It's been several years now, and I have basically stopped interacting with F on all accounts. I found out from an old high-school friend that apparently she still tells people we're really close and hang out all the time, which I was quick to clarify wasn't true.

Here's where I feel like I could be TA: in all these years of me slowly backing away, I've avoided ever actually telling F that I wasn't comfortable with us interacting anymore, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to have her at the wedding. This is because she's been known to do some pretty drastic things in the past and cause scenes, and I really didn't want to deal with possible fallout, and now it's gotten so late that it feels harder and harder to do.

We had our first conversation in like 8 months recently with a few snaps where she showed off her new engagement ring and then asked about how wedding planning was going and when she was going to get asked and invited to it. I kinda let the question flop and never really responded, but now I know it's still on her mind.

The whole wedding party has already been chosen, as has our guest list, and F and her fiancé aren't on it. I feel like I should try to tell F at this point that I don't feel comfortable inviting her, but I really just want the whole situation to die out and would rather somehow miraculously get married without F even hearing about it until it's already done (which is basically impossible since F is still social media friends with my mom). At this point, I still have no plans to tell F that she's not part of the wedding, nor is she invited. I am genuinely worried she'd crash it if she found out where it was happening, but I'd rather take that risk and not mention it at all, despite it being a childhood promise when we were actually friends.

So, AITA for not telling her that I've been uncomfortable with our friendship and don't want her at all in or at my wedding?

What are these acronyms?

[hackedmotionsensors]

I went to library con (lol its not called library con but thats what i called it. Its American Library Association Annual which is funny bc they call it ALA and I was like...that shitty anime con???) this week in san diego to promote the comic I worked with Terry on "Eat your Heart Out"

I got jumpscared seeing the big banner. My art has never been on anything bigger than art center presentations lmao

We handed out signed copies and it was honestly pretty fun. I have a ton of bookmarks as well if anyone wants one.....if you can find me in real life LMAO

I also got to be on a PANEL like a big professional lmao And met Josie Campbell an animation brethren and we were like "LETS GO TAG! LETS GET THOSE NEGOTIATIONS!!!!" (Reminder that The Animation Guild is due to negotiate with studios in August so please support us!!!)

Downside was is that some of my sunburns are still really fresh (most of them are in gross peeling stage and some are...kinda painful) so I was a bit sweaty and uncomfortable...and now I'm paying for it bc i feel really under the weather.

BUT. lol my issues aside (it was my own damned fault getting burned the weekend before)

It was really fun!

Librarians are really cool lol Especially since I tried to get into that field during my unemployment last year and a half it was interesting hearing what they had to deal with as Librarians for children or teens (The teen librarians kept talking to me about Slam Dunk and One Piece *u*)

There's also this huge emphasis for book sellers in getting your books IN libraries. Books in actual physical libraries does so much for the value of payments of the book (which in turn pays the authors and artists that work on those books).

And how much librarians and libraries do for the industry as a WHOLE. I learned that back in the day when english manga was coming out they were binding the books REALLY SHITTY and its funny bc I DO remember that. The quality was really bad. And because librarians complained about it, because a book circulates through a lot of people rather than if you buy a volume for yourself, the book will get damaged really fast if the book is made poorly. So Viz had to change HOW they bound their books and you can definitely tell now how the quality is so much nicer.

Anyway it was really cool lol And also since it took place at the San Diego Convention center it was really cool to see what SDCC looks like when its not an absolute cluster fuck of people and noise lol I saw where I slept on the ground outside to get into Hall H and we were treated to a dinner at Roys which I'd only ever seen in passing lol (ALSO ROYS WAS SO EXPENSIVE!?!? And I thought the onigiri was like...the salmon went INTO the onigiri....so that was the dish. but it was...a ball of rice onigiri shaped with some salmon ...and it was REALLY good salmon and the misoyaki was good too but.....i was expecting really expensive onigiri and was oddly disappointed it wasn't....that.......anyway)

ANYWAY ANYWAY lmao. Our comic comes out in August 13! I've finally seen the finished product and it came out so well. Yknow that thing where you see your art from a few years ago and you want to crawl into a hole and die? Well lol I still feel that but also I don't because it honestly looks so good and its nice seeing it all in one whole place! The coloring came out really nice ! And I can't wait to see what Claudia did in the second half of the book

Oh yeah I also got a comped train ticket to get me down there and I got to ride the Amtrak which was pretty cool! I ...was EXHAUSTED on both trips down and back so I slept most of the way lmao But look at this guy!

Lol ALTHO I was genuinely surprised that when we came back from san diego the train just goes in reverse.

On shinkansen the seats on the train are able to turn around so you're always facing forwards. So it was a little disorienting at first. I also wished I had an ekiben on the way down.

Its cool I can get an ekiben in august when i go to japan lmao

[carlyraejepsans]

Yknow, despite how it is impossible by all Ingame options, I wonder how a neutral route with *ONLY* Sans (and Asgore ig) killed would look? Would he count enough as a boss monster (NOT a Boss Monster) to push it from a Queen Toriel ending to an Empress Undyne ending? How would Alphys react (She lost one of her closest friends, but she still has MTT and Undyne around.)? How would Papyrus react (Would he go full angst mode and try close away his heart? Would he become even more of a people pleaser, trying to make sure he doesn't repeat whatever mistake he made with you again? Would he go into denial mode, trying to find Flowey to set things right with him either finding him or not based on what Frisk choses after the FloweyX fight? So many choises), especially with how he seems to Know Something he doesn't let on. I'd imagine that (provided it's a Queen Toriel Ending) Undyne wouldn't be thar affected, sad that Papyrus lost a brother rather than sad that Sans died (she never is close with Sans. She doesn't hate him, but she doesn't know him as more than "Papyrus weird brother" and "My sentry that works the ABSOLUTE bare minimum needed"). I don't think mettaton would appear or be affected, leaving the call pretty limited. So we have Papyrus and Maybe Undyne, with Papyrus probably being... kinda miffed that everything is going along the same, as if Everything hasn't changed. Bonus points if it's Post Dates, leaving a pretty aimless Undyne moving into Sans room, trying to fill a void that she never can. It isn't some threat she can suplex or teach to cook, it's the world being unfair.

(This also would give a pretty Unique Undyne state, being halfway between her "I don't like that you had to kill Asgore, but it's what you had to do" mindset and her more common "You betrayed me in such a soul crushing way it'll affect how I love forever" mindset in most Neutral Endings. I can imagine her actually trying to rationalise it, because the human only killed Asgore (sucks but she Gets It), and... Sans. The easiest enemy, one too weak to make it into the guard, and almost too weak to be a Sentry (Sans would have no reason to reveal Blasters, and his magic would barely scratch the TRUE HERO of the Underground when Karma is factored in. All she would see is surprisingly complex patterns that don't deal even a tenth of her hp). So surely, they had a reason, right? Why else would they do it?)

Forgive any bad writing it's literally 2 AM rn where I am

can't not confess I've thought about it too, but it IS really hard to extend as a concept because there's just... really no way for sans to die outside of the NM run. and I don't mean logistically, i mean character-wise he is so defined by his survival. by his Being There as everything falls apart. the final girl last man standing in the story. so the whole concept immediately falls apart.

undyne wouldn't personally grieve him, seeing as they didn't really know each other, but she WOULD still feel his death on her conscience as she does with every other monster killed in neutral runs. plus, there's her friendship with papyrus to emotionally aggravate things.

papyrus would definitely go into denial. he would be annoyed about him vanishing all of a sudden, then it'd turn to worry, then as his worries become more and more plausible, he'd shut out all rational thought about the subject and pretend everything is alright. i like the idea of him reaching out to flowey, but he'd try to explain his plan while also comtradicting himself all the time in order to never say outloud "sans is dead. we need to fix this"

betrayed undyne... yeah this is where it falls apart again, since you'd have to reason why sans would die (or even instigate a fight at all) in the final corridor during what has so far been a flawless pacifist run.

buuut pushing past the visceral resistance to the concept. i can easily see a scene where the betrayal pushes her to lose it and seek revenge like it does in normal neutral runs, and her looking to papyrus for training help/human destroying plans. and just... meeting a Wall of denial. that would be a harrowing talk. something people don't mention enough is that papyrus sees himself as sans' caretaker as much if not even more than sans does towards him. a world where sans is dead is a world where he failed his brother. it would devastate him. so he clings to anything not to think about it/delude himself. and here comes undyne ready to shatter that fragile hope. it would be a horrible moment between them

but yeah. everything aside, sans would straight up just not die lol.

[arrowheadedbitch]

Okay, I just spent, like over two hours talking about how a Leanna Firestone song (Tourniquet) is perfect for Shawn and I'll be damned if I don't make a post out of it so here we go, buckle up

Okay first of all, here's the song

Enjoy, it is VERY good

So let's get into this, yeah?

This includes my suicide attempt hc that I mentioned in a previous post in it

I have been listening to this song on loop and it's making me go just a touch feral

"You can get a new car, but you can't forget the way it sounds or feels to crash

High speed impact

Normally the first person I'd call was my dad"

But im imagining that hc/story we were talking about yesterday, so change the words tooooo.....🥁🥁🥁

"You can get a new car, but you can't forget the way it sounds or feels to crash

High speed impact

ALL BECAUSE THE FIRST PERSON I callED was my dad" AUDHDBJEHEJSJDJEJ

But, later on, I realised that the song ACTUALLY says "NO POLICE, the first person I called was my dad" NOT normally, which hits different in this context but doesn't actually change much

And like, him yelling it in front of everyoneeeee

Henry is THERE

They're all like....what do you mean by that...

He will not elaborate but now they know that apparently something bad happened to him because he called his dad?

"Shawn, what are you talking about"

Shawn does the dramatic "I said something I shouldn't have" hand over mouth clasp

He freezes, he stumbles over his words, then he makes a run for it

Everyone is just standing there confused as hell

It's such a not shawn thing to yell out and do tho that even Henry is slightly concerned

Or maybe just confused

Or offended at the implication that he somehow hurt shawn so bad with some random phonecall

And now there are a bunch of people needling him to tell them about wtf he was talking about

Pressuring him to tell them about this traumatic event

ESPECIALLY Gus, who would normally be in the loop about something like this so he's extremely concerned and maybe even a little hurt that Shawn won't tell him

Even Henry, who usually doesn't give a shit about this kind of thing, is trying to get it out of him

He mostly just wants to know what the hell shawn is blaming him for this time lol

But he doesn't get how serious this is

None of them do, that's why they keep trying to get it out of him

They just assume it's another one of those silly things he always has going on, not, yknow....SUICIDE

Not even his mom knows, maybe they'd try to call his mom bc he tells her pretty much everything and find out she ALSO doesn't know

Then they're like....Gus doesn't know......his mom doesn't know.....holy shit maybe this is serious

"Some people die before they're dead!

Building collapse, pressure outweighs the pain

I don't feel sad

I don't feel ANYTHING

Only will when the blood returns

But I'd rather be numb then know how bad I'm hurt"

Someone save my boy

He is emotionally constipated

His mom also might fly down to figure out what's happening after she gets that call

So now literally EVERYONE is bugging him about this

Poor Shawn, there's even a THERAPIST needling him about this traumatic event now 😭😭😭

And everybody wants to know

At this pace he's gonna become a hermit so he doesn't have to tell anyone 😭😭😭😭

"So, I'll keep the tourniquet on

I'll block it out and off

Cuz I don't need anyone

I don't need anyone

I don't need anyone at all

If I keep the tourniquet on"

I think all of this would lead to Shawn blowing up on then, maybe he'd say something that accidentally gives away more of what happened but I don't think he'll be able to bring himself to actually say out loud what happened, at least not to them

Because, well, emotional constipation, anyone?

He wouldn't talk about his feelings at gun point

"Maybe we always start

Back where we end

Don't know if I'm God

Or if I'm sisyphus"

But maybe change to

"I try to act like God

But I'm just sisyphus"

Or something similar

Now, to get into a SECOND POINT ABOUT THE SAME SONG HAHA!

So, this first part has been about Shawn saying the stuff in the song or just really good lines that he would relate to

But this next part is more of an....application for all of this

Imagine with me, if you will

Shawn does a few artsy stuff like....drawing that he doesn't really like to show off a lot, so imagine this,

/Shawn would totally be a good songwriter/

Imagine he wrote a few songs as more of like journal/vent things and he never wants them to see the light of day

This is while him and Jules are together btw

So, Juliet finds out about the songs, he tries to brush them off bc he doesn't like to think about them and he doesn't want her to see them, that kind of thing, but she reads it as insecurity

This is the same woman who went around Lassies back to plan him a birthday party and accidentally invited a bunch of criminals, so, I don't think it's that big a stretch that she would try to do something to make him feel better about his music and go behind his back a little to do it so she can *surprise* him

She grabs the first complete song she can get her hands on, maybe glances through it but makes the mistake of not reading it thoroughly and submits it to a song writing competition, if it loses, Shawn will never know, if it wins, boom! Boost in his self esteem about his songs!

A win-win plan, really

And the song she grabbed was the Shawn version of Tourniquet we've been talking about, obviously

Yeah, it's *her* turn to do something for *him* with good intentions that ends up being awful, she's not gonna be in the doghouse for this one...she's going straight to the pound

The prize for winning the contest? Well, a celebrity sings it of course!

And...well Juliet may have overlooked that it's sung.....on live television...

All classic song writing prizes, maybe you can win a record deal and a bunch of money too or whatever

Not that Shawn would care about any of that

Anyways, her and Shawn go to the place where they're announcing the winners, you know? Big party. Shawn doesn't know what it's about but he's having fun, probably solving a case here too!

But then he wins....

It's the big finale, announce the winner and sing the song on stage and on camera

"And, this song will be our grand finale! The winning song of the song writing contest will be revealed and sung!" So the singer gets on stage and Shawn is all smiles until he hears "And this song is...🥁🥁🥁 Tourniquet by Shawn Spencer!"

And Shawn is going through all the stages of grief, he turns to Jules all "What the fuck did you do" (Perhaps first time she hears him legit cuss??) [Ty Luka]

And suddenly Juliet realises that she should have read the lyrics a bit closer before submitting it

It's the first time she's seen him ANGRY because he is about to get angry

They get in an argument, Shawn storms off, she feels bad

But, the song was on LIVE TELEVISION

Everyone saw it! Everyone HEARD them attribute it to him!

And they don't know he wasn't in on it! They have no reason to believe he's upset about winning!

So, when he shows up at the station, everyone is trying to talk to him about it!

It's AWFUL

Gus is asking about it, but he stopped pretty quick when he noticed how pissed Shawn seemed about it

Henry's been calling him

He's been not answering, obviously

Juliet tries to talk it out with shawn but he's not having it right now, "Shawn, I-"

"You, shut up, you are in the /pound/!"

"*gasp* the pound?"🥺😢

"THE POUND"

And Lassie was gonna give him a hard time and ask questions but he saw that interaction and realised that he shouldn't touch this with a five foot fucking pole

The precinct feels oddly tense today because well....no one's ever seen SHAWN SPENCER so ANGRY

Or really angry at all

He really powers through solving this case and is actually pretty scary the whole time and he won't talk to Jules, they are not in speaking terms right now

Anything that he would normally go to Jules about, he goes to Carlton and acts like she's not even there while he gets Lassiter to do whatever it is he needs

No fun nicknames either, but what really hits? When he HAS to address jules.....he calls her Detective O'hara

So she REALLY knows she's in trouble

Obviously she's gonna do anything she can to make it better, we know Jules

So she asks around for advice on what she should do

Talks to anyone who will listen really, Lassie, Gus, she even goes to Henry

[Side note, I've been imagining she heard the song, like it was playing all throughout so they could hear it a little muffled from the spot they were arguing at, but she probably missed a good chunk because of the arguing and talking, though her not having heard it would be a really interesting turn to take! She doesn't know what was wrong with the song, only the aftermath, that could be interesting]

Anyway, she gets mostly the same advice, let Shawn cool down and then work it out

But, since she talked to Henry, he now knows that not only did Shawn not submit that song, he's pissed that it played at all

Which will affect the way he treats Shawn when they inevitably talk later

Instead of thinking Shawn did this to get back at him, he knows these were private thoughts that were shared against his will, so he'll be a little less defensive and accusatory

Gus doesn't know what exactly the song was about, but he gets to be the most in the know since he's the only person Shawn is really actually talking to right now

A lot of ranting to Gus about this, of course

Lassie has the least know of the situation because an angry shawn is a startlingly untalkative shawn

Shawn takes a week or two to stop being so completely pissed

He talks to Henry at some point, they probably have a moment or something, but he won't tell anyone what the song was meant to be about

Eventually he calms down enough to let Jules talk to him again and she gets to apologize profusely and work her way off the shit list

And now everyone knows about the depth to shawns character that he didn't want them to know about so he'll just have to slowly chip away at that by going back to being the town idiot as usual

Maybe he agrees to sell his songs as long as his name doesn't go on any of them, I dunno

Everything goes back to normal...eventually, but it takes...a while

So shawn ends it just as emotionally constipated as before but now everyone KNOWS he's emotionally constipated

Everyone gets to go "holy shit, this kid actually has emotional depth?!?!??"

And Henry gets to sit and wonder what he did to Shawn that was a "crash", what phone call? What did he do?

And Yeah, most of them forget probably

But also, there's that inkling of.......is he really okay?

Always in the back of his friends minds

Because

They /heard/ the song

Juliet goes over board trying to make up for it in a way that's so endearing shawn can't help but smile

And forgive her, but only after the third pineapple/hj

Gus is a little concerned but he knows Shawn doesn't want to talk about it so he let's it go

Lassie tries not to pry but he's still feeling kind of awkward about it (what is he supposed to do in this situation? Anything? Should he even care? Should be be on O'Hara's side because they're friends? Shawn's side because he was the one wronged? Anyone's side at all? Should he say something? Welp, he just won't do anything, maybe)

Buzz has no idea what's going on but did try to comfort Shawn a few times and it was sweet

Buzz never knows what's going on with the main four but we love him anyway

Henry has the song on loop trying to figure out what he did and if there's something he should do or say about it

And someone should definitely get Shawn a therapist but they don't

And the whole song is soooooo about his dad

So about his dad it hurts

Tho Gus is a little offended at the "I don't need anyone" part and he makes sure his thoughts on that are known

"I spend every night

With the TV on

I can't bear to be

Alone with my own thoughts"

And now you guys won't be able to stop thinking about this either, MUAHAHAHAHA

To the people who talked to me on discord, thank you!

@mores0 @storm-cloud-lightning

And also @j-snapdragon who joined right at the end

[moonsidesong]

finished UT Yellow pacifist ! i really really enjoyed it! i will definitely be going back for the other runs but i'd like to let this sit for at least a few days before i go back in.

extended thoughts below!! yaayay!!!!

ok im sorry to open with a negative thought but if i can be a little mean. ceroba's fight suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. visually its insanely cool, musically its insanely cool, the presentation overall rocks, but gameplay wise its the worst ive played so far bar none.

i think this game for the most part had pretty fun and interesting bullet patterns for the bosses and, especially in the case of Axis, El Bailador, and Guardener's fights, i really got the sense i was getting a little better each time as i memorized the attacks, which is exactly what i want from a UTDR boss fight! i heart memorization.

... but Ceroba's fight was the only one where i felt like the bullet patterns just had no rhyme or reason to them. i think using several simple attacks to make a layered complicated one is a good idea in theory but in the way they did it i kinda just felt like she was throwing random crap at me and when I did beat it (which took i think around an hour) i sorta just got the impression that i was lucky enough her RNG picked the easier ones a few extra turns in a row rather than feeling like i actually accomplished anything (anything with the gravity black hole added was just kind of a death sentence for me, maybe its a skill issue but i feel like yknow. im okaaayyy at bullet hell... wah...)

also, i dont know much about game design, but the overall momentum of the fight is set up to really only be good if you beat it the first time. which is not great. they make you watch a cutscene every time you die and although it is brief, it breaks things up just a little too long! you get really sick of hearing the first few notes of what are otherwise great songs in her fight, and it makes it harder to feel for her when watching her scream starts to become annoying. i think if it were up to me, it'd be best if when you died, there was no cutscene, and the game over screen didnt have music or text and was JUST the Retry/Continue prompts so you can jump back into the action quickly. if we wanna take it a step further, because the music opens with such intense notes, stop making it start over!!!! pick it up where it left off!!!! maybe even have the game over menu not even stop the music, just muffle it temporarily or something. i dont know. thats what id do if it were up to me but i did not make anything im just a guy writing a tumblr post

anyway hater hour over. i mentioned those three boss fights earlier because they were my favorites. i thought they were really fun. i can see how some people might think the shield mechanic during Axis's fight might suck but it was like easily my favorite actually HAHAHA idk i thought it was fuuuuun heehehe yaay i block the bullets and it makes a good sound sound makea me happy <- this is the hightest compliment you can get from a misophonic player

also the ending made me cry. this isnt saying much because literally everything makes me cry but it did in fact make me cry. u show me characters showing a moment of genuine vulnerability in a bittersweet atmosphere and uh oh

anyway.

i mentioned in my previous thought post that i was interested in seeing where the running theme of "jobs/employment" was going, and seeing it play out into meaning "forever unfinished business" was really good. Martlet quits the Royal Guard having felt like she never really did anything there, neither Chujin nor Ceroba could finish what they set out to do, and Clover never even saw the other human souls. theres probably more than that too thats just what i remeber my memorys actually kinda bad i never remember anything until i play it like three times oops. maybe i should start writing my thoughts as i go instead of making big unorganized writeups on tumblr after the fact.

also this is a really small personal nitpick that doesnt matter but i dont like ceroba's skirt. i think having such a regal traditional outfit otherwise and then just wearing a short skirt that goes above her knees makes her look more like a schoolgirl than it does someone who is like At The Minimum in her thirties. i get not wanting a long skirt to get in the way of her silhouette for her boss fight since shes all like stanced up but at that point just give her pants LOL

i don't care to comment much on the writing, on the whole i really liked it so i dont have as much to say, but i dont think martlet shouldve been there in the room with you for Chujin's tapes. i think that shouldve been a quiet moment with just Clover so it could Sit with you for a second. thats my only writing gripe in this very moment.

anyway GRAHHHH I ENDED UP WRITING A LOT OF THINGS I DIDNT LIKE AND I DONT WANT TO LEAVE WITH THE IMPRESSION I HAD A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE SO:

MUSIC WAS REALLY GOOD!!! I LIKED ALL THE CHARACTERS!!!! I LIKED MAKING AXIS'S FUNNY ROBOT PARTNER I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!! ASIDE FROM THE FINAL BOSS I THOUGHT THE GAMEPLAY WAS FUN!!!!! THE MAIL MECHANIC WAS REALLY SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PLAYED WITH MY FRIEND AND I HAD A VERY GOOD TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAY!!! I VIDEO LOVE GAMES!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for reading! im sure ill have more thoughts to share by the time i do the other routes, but like i said at the start, id like to just sit on my thoughts and let the game simmer for now. my overall opinion is that i thought it was good! not perfect by any means, but very very good. i'm sure i will revisit it someday. and by that i mean right now im gonna draw and watch a bit of saltydkdan's video of it before bed.

if you read this far tell me your favorite hot drink :) lately ive been really obsessed with like, this basic ass cinnamon/nutmeg/coriander chai from target. i put a little honey and cream in it and its like my favorite thing ever i have some every morning. i used to think i only liked fruity teas but my eyes have been truly opened.

[clangenrising]

oh my god I absolutely hate how sagetooth and russetfrond talk about mystique. I hope someone hears them and tears them a new one. i hope they get judged for it when they go to starclan.

take this all as a compliment btw, you're excellent writing skills have unlocked a rage within me that I didn't know I had.

Haha I appreciate the enthusiasm ^w^

As the wet blanket I am though, I have to challenge the idea of 'being judged by StarClan' cause that's a very Christian concept that doesn't really apply to the Warrior Cats theology, at least not as I interpret it (its been a long time since I actually read the books).

As I understand it, there's no set list of things that gets you sent to the dark forest when you die, I mean, Ashfur went to StarClan and he was the worst, so it seems to me more like a system where if the general StarClan population doesn't want you around they banish you. You have to remember that StarClan cats aren't gods, they don't suddenly become all knowing (or at least, in my universe they don't), they're still the same cats they were when they died for the most part.

So if Russetfrond and Sagetooth went to StarClan today, the cats in StarClan probably wouldn't even mention the way they treat Mystique because it's pretty normalized in Clan society to be dismissive of Kittypets. It definitely wouldn't be something that sent them to the Dark Forest and outside of that what consequences could there even be for it?

Besides, I'd much rather encourage hoping people change than hoping people get punished for the things they do. That's what restorative justice is all about and that's like my whole deal baybeeee

But please don't take this as me condemning your ask or anything ^^; I just feel the need to state my opinions on these things 'cause I don't want to post an ask I don't agree with and have it misrepresent my beliefs, yknow? It's the moral OCD haha

[stupidsketchpad]

hey guys. im here to rant about how 2econd 2ight 2eer (second sight seer) by will wood is secret life bigb's song because god its eerie how similar the song lyrics are to his character. AHEM (also spoilers for secret life)

My grip on my secrets slipping while I'm speaking in tongues

ok. this is a really good start lol. basically bigb's task don't mean much when he does weird shit anyway for fun and, quote from grian, "writes his own tasks"

Screaming at the top of my lungs in the confession booth

he's saying stuff that litterally makes no sense. even after his task is done he wont tell anyone (confession booth is kinda like people asking about your task after it's done. your confessing your task to someone)

Take it with a pillar of salt, H.A.L.T., it's not my fault

i got nothing man

The devil made me do it, but I also kinda wanted to

THIS LINE AHSHDHSHAH. THE SECRET KEEPER GIVES HIM THE TASKS CAUSE HE HAS TO BUT HE WANTS TO DO THEM ANYWAY ANDDDD MAKE THEM AS CONFUSING AS POSSIBLE. SECRET KEEPER COUNTS AS THE DEVIL HERE

I'm cut from a different kind of meat

More than you can chew, hard to swallow me

"what the hell are you doing??" is a common question he gets asked. hard to swallow. y'know

Forget bored stiff, I got rigor mortis, call it morbid curiosity

How I cannot commit to reality, when my third eye's open and I like what I see

he's doing shit for the sake of doing shit.

Baby, I may be crazy but I didn't lose it, no I set it free

AAAAA THIS LINE TOOO!!! ok so he didn't just randomly start lying in secret life. it was weird before that too! i cant speak for double but LIMITED LIFE he was also confusing people about being the boogeyman. basically that one meme with the "guy weird about everything but its drowned out by how weird about everything the other people are"

I can't ignore what's under dance floorboards, the rhythm of my heart a dead-as-disco beat

But I still move my feet

To slip out of this groove, I'm free

dont got much here but i think this is just him having fun, yknow

Now to row, row, row my boat over the falls

And maybe wake up from but a dream, yeah

"but a dream" is the games. there are three rows in the line. lose your lives to get the game over with.

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

once again, this wasnt the first time he was being weird!!!

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

say weird shit, refuse to elaborate, leave.

Oh, oh, o-o-oh

If you knew what I knew, if you saw what I see

You'd look through illusions, hallucinations, and lucid dream

And I know that meaning can be such a pretty thing to keep

But I got facts and I'm not afraid to use 'em, take the good with the bad, take off the back you make a new front

evo, anyone? anyway this man knows about watchers and doesnt care. he knows! he just doesn't give that any meaning.

Some days I'm glad that I am a madman and I'd rather be that than

An amicable animal, mild-mannered cannibal

red lives and how bigb doesn't have the same bloodlust as they do. this guy doesn't kill much, he's like the most passive on the server. /srs

But I'm more level-headed and clever than ever and I'm getting better one forever at a time

how many people guessed any of bigb's tasks? that's right, zero! (if i remember correctly.) he's getting better at the games (btw the games being referred to as "forevers" is just ahshahdghs)

And if sick is defined by what's different, well then pull the plug out and let me die

not much here

Vice-versa, vice versus virtue

Well who I am I choose through all the things I do

AAAAAAAA HE CHOOSES HOW HE IS PERCEIVED BY THE OTHERS BY SAYING HIS STUFF YA GET WHAT IM SAYING

And if it rhymes, it's true, but I hate poetry

contradicting himself. easy peasy analysis here folks.

Now with my moral compass pointing south, I'm going down

With no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no respect for reality

could say this is going red! but also. "going down?" LIKE A HOLE? HE MADE A HOLE?????

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I'm only passing through

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

I didn't lose it babe

There wasn't much to find

I'm just a psycho, babe

Come and go out my mind

same stuff

A tourist passing through

Well that was fun, goodbye

he died. but hey, he had fun!

anyways thats all thank you for listening to me ramble about songs and minecraft i WILL do this again. sorry if this is incoherent i wrote it at 10:00 pm.

psst... moot... @bigb-enthusiast... would you like this?

[luis-serra-kennedy]

okay bear in mind my co writer for this has been a strong painkiller it's raw a little rough around the edges yknow but it's Serrennedy being terminally stupid and Leon crying a lot and Luis's grandfather yelling at him for being a slut and awake but sweet family time (also pregnancy tests taking 2 hours for results is historically accurate, this AU is set a few years before the quicker/easier ones were a thing)

“Go away, Luis!” Leon barks when Luis knocks on the bedroom door. “I'm done trying to eat your shitty cooking and I'd rather die in this goddamn bed than let you drag me to a hospital. Fuck Spain. Again.”

“I'm not trying to make you eat or go to the hospital anymore, I promise. I have a surprise for you. If I can come in?”

“Fine. Whatever. It's your house.”

“I'm hoping something more familiar might stay down better than what I've been trying to feed you?” Leon sits up and accepts the bag of food, McDonald's, as a peace offering, with a small smile. Luis just stands by the bed awkwardly while Leon starts eating. “Can I sit? Or do you still need space? I think we need to talk about something, if you're not feeling too horrible right now.”

“Yeah, you can sit,” Luis sits on the bed next to Leon, but still keeps a little bit of distance between them. “I know why you want to talk.”

“Oh. You do? That makes this easier.”

“Yeah. You want to break up because I suck at being a boyfriend. Dead bedroom for weeks because I haven't been in the mood. You take me to Spain with all these grand plans. I get sick and fuck it all up. Your grandpa's so important to you and I know you thought he'd like me, but he doesn't. He hates me because I'm just hiding in here instead of even trying to spend time with him.”

“Don't be stupid. He doesn't hate you,” Something about Luis's demeanor is just a little bit different from when he left, but Leon can't quite figure out what it is. “And I'm definitely not going to dump you. I'd marry you tomorrow, if it weren't for the headache the tabloids would make of it.”

When Leon finishes up his food, he scoots over and starts ramming his head against Luis's shoulder. Luis wasn't willing to make the first move and touch Leon, afraid it might piss him off again. But with Leon taking initiative with the ramming, Luis finally feels comfortable wrapping an arm around Leon's back and kissing the top of his head.

Luis smells so fucking good. He must have bought a new cologne or something. He's never smelled bad, aside from after smoking, but he's never smelled so good that he wants to sit and huff his clothes for hours. Suddenly Leon is crying, just because the smell is way too good. No, there is no way he's crying over that, there has to be something else. Maybe he's still worried he's going to get dumped, because he doesn't understand how Luis is being so nice to him when he's spent the past two days screaming at Luis to fuck off and saying he hates Spain. He should be getting yelled at right now, not getting a gentle arm around him and the top of his head kissed.

“Are you sure you don't want to break up with me?”

“I'm sure. I promise. And don't you dare try and say you're sorry for how you've been acting. I… Uh, I think it actually may be my fault…”

“Shut up. You tried. When I threw up a couple days before we left, you were the one trying to talk me out of going, and I said it felt like some random freak thing and I'd be fine. Really thought it was. You had no idea the travel would make me sicker and bitchier.”

“I'm not sure this is actually about the travel… I didn't go out just to get you food. I, ah, I was talking to my grandfather and he made what he thought was a joke about you, but it really wasn't a joke like he thought.”

“He made a joke about me? You said he didn't hate-”

“Don't cry, mi amor. He doesn't hate you. What he said, along the lines of it seeming like he would be a great grandfather if I had brought a girlfriend home instead, because your moods and nausea were reminding him of when my mother was pregnant with me. Suddenly I felt like an idiot, because the boyfriend I brought home could have been pregnant. I got you pregnant,” If the words were coming from anyone other than Luis, they'd just send a wave of dread through Leon. But it's Luis... “I mean, I think I did. I'm not certain, but I bought some tests for you to take. But I'm pretty sure.”

“Okay.” Leon says, still processing things, not sure what else to say.

“Okay? I thought you'd be freaking out a little more. Or maybe that's just because I'm freaking out and projecting on you. Or maybe… you are freaking out on the inside and just hiding it, you are the strong, silent type, aren't you? No matter, just go take the tests, no point worrying until we know for sure.”

“Just shut up and give me the fucking tests! These stupid things are like two hours, I need to get this show on the road.”

Leon doesn't exit the bathroom immediately after getting the kits set up. He gives himself a minute to be emotional and shed a few tears. And question why the fuck he desperately wants these pregnancy tests to be positive. It has to be because it'll make things make sense. He's not dying, just pregnant. Yeah, that's it. He just wants the simple, straightforward explanation for all his symptoms.

Luis is waiting for him right outside the door when he finally leaves.

“You got the tests set up okay?”

“Yeah! I'm not an idiot, I can follow basic fucking directions. Not even the first time I've used one of these. I'm gonna go lay down. Alone.”

“Okay. Do you want me to come let you know when the tests are ready?” Leon nods. “If you need anything sooner, just yell and I'll come.”

All of Leon's energy disappears when his head hits the pillow. Those tests better be positive, because if he isn't pregnant, he's probably dying or something. He's never felt this exhausted. Even with his head spinning with anxiety, he falls asleep quickly. He's out cold until some knocks on the door wake him up and he shouts that Luis can come in.

“So the tests are done?”

“Yes,” Luis is back to being incredibly cautious, so he walks into the room but doesn't sit down or try to touch Leon. “I think this is good news. You're not sick, you're not being a shitty boyfriend, you're just,” Luis has to pause because he's getting choked up. “Carrying my baby, mi amor. We're having a baby.”

“No we're not! Right now you're at the peak of your career. You've got so much shit you need to do, and you also deserve some time to just enjoy your success without more responsibilities piled on your plate. I'm not having your baby right now, I don't want to feel guilty about ruining your life.”

“Do you remember our first night together? Because I do, every second. I came in my pants on your motorcycle, then I gave you the best head of your life, and then, most importantly, we got high and talked. You said that my album better be a success, so that I could buy you a big house and we could start having kids soon. And I said that if you were really being serious, I'd make it happen within a year. I'd buy a house and we could start trying ASAP, sooner if the album was a hit and I got a big check, a bit later if I only had the acting money to rely on. I was being serious. You're way more important than my career, don't even think about it. I want a baby as soon as you're ready for one. If you want this now…” Luis smiles and tucks a lock of Leon's hair behind his ear and gives him a quick kiss on the lips, short but sweet. “Then this is the happiest day of my life. But if this is too soon for you, that's okay. I can be patient. I stuck it out a decade before success in music, I can stick it out a year for a baby.”

“I'm ready. Been ready since you bought the house, talking about how perfect it would be for having kids. I know you'll be a good dad, all I fucking want right now is to see you holding a baby, our baby, and looking at her life she's the only thing in the world and singing to her and…” Leon is softly crying again. “But I'm so scared this is too early and I'll never get to see that because you're just going to resent us for fucking your life up and you're not going to hold her like that and sing, you won't love her like you're supposed to.”

“Her? Her. You want a girl. Me too. If you're having a girl, she's going to be my little princess. Everything she wants. Whole wardrobe of princess clothes, cutest nursery money can buy, I'll be playing with Barbies and having tea parties everyday,” There's so much warmth in Luis's voice that Leon would have no trouble believing he meant it, if it weren't for the fact that Luis was also an actual actor too. He's still pretty sure Luis means it, just not quite certain. “Same goes for if it's a boy. I don't care what the baby's like. Girl or boy. Playing with action figures or dolls. Football or ballet. Whatever they're into, I'll be into. I'll love them the way I'm supposed to. I promise. I already do.”

“Okay,” Leon says, tears finally slowing. “We're having a baby. In… Shit, how long? You remember how long it's been since I let you top?”

“About a week shy of two months,” Luis says with no delay. Leon gives him a questioning look. “I have a very good memory when it comes to things I've done with you. To you. Things you've done to me. You. I love you.”

“You better love me. I'm giving birth to your kid in seven months. Christ. This is real. You should go tell him he'll be a great grandpa.”

“Leon, are you sure?”

“Uh, if you think he'll take it well. I know it's a lot to drop on him. First you bring home a boyfriend to meet him and he thinks he's never getting great grandkids, now he's learning that somehow you've got a pregnant boyfriend. You can ease him into it instead of telling him now. Or just never tell him. Say I'm really just sick, in seven months call him and say we had a kid from a surrogate. I don't want to fuck up your relationship with him.”

“Lying to him would fuck things up far more than the truth. He'll take it fine. Probably better than he took it when I turned 18 and told him I was moving to France to be a musician instead of applying to med school! But seriously, please don't worry. He's not going to hate you because of this, he's not like that. I promise it will go fine.”

Leon is curled up in a ball sobbing and hyperventilating when Luis comes back to the bedroom, because it did not go fine. Leon doesn't know how bad, but he knows it was bad. All he could hear was a lot of very angry sounding Spanish from the other side of the door. Luis's arms are around him almost superhumanly fast.

“Shh, you're okay, you're safe. I'm here. Everything is okay. Can you talk to me?”

“I just hate yelling,” Leon wraps his arms around Luis and squeezes tight, nails digging into the skin of Luis's back, probably hard enough to hurt him. But the squeezing and Luis's scent are enough to ground him so he can try to breathe normally and talk. “Bad memories.”

“I'm sorry. I got yelled at, but that's okay. No one is yelling at you. No one is mad at you. Don't worry about a thing.”

“I know no one yelled at me, that's the problem. I hate other people yelling. Reminds me of when I was a kid.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Or I can just hold you, or distract you, or-”

“My parents. Bio parents. Their marriage was fucked. They screamed at each other all the time. I'd hide in my closet and cover my ears but I could still hear them. Sometimes they'd throw shit at each other. They didn't yell at me. Just each other, but it was still scary. That's what I think about when I hear someone yelling. Someone yelling at you. Being a scared kid in a closet, helpless. Break up with me. I can't be the reason someone's yelling at you. Just find a girl to get pregnant so you'll have his approval.”

Leon isn't being entirely truthful. He was frequently the target of his father's anger, any time his mom got fed up and stormed out. Krauser liked yelling at him too. But Luis doesn't need to know that right now. Leon already feels too exposed just talking about his parents yelling at each other, he doesn't want to spill anything more. Luis will have to know eventually, when something else inevitably breaks him again, but not right now.

“No. No, no, no, no, no. I love you more than anything. We're having a baby together! You are not a wedge between us. He doesn't disapprove of you. He's just pissed at me for repeating one of my deadbeat father's mistakes and accidentally getting someone pregnant. Most of the yelling was just about how I better step up and take damn good care of you, and he'll never want to see my face again if I walk out on you or don't treat you well enough. He is happy too, excited that he will be a great grandfather. Just disappointed in me because he raised me to be more careful and plan before starting a family, not to make a stupid mistake like accidentally getting someone I hadn't even been dating long pregnant.”

“It's not your fault. I told you not to worry about pregnancy, you were only careless because I told you to be.”

“I should have realized sooner. For weeks you've seemed… Different. Eating more, taking naps, and your whole demeanor has just seemed off. I noticed all these things, why didn't I realize what it all meant? I'm so damn stupid. If I had just put the pieces together sooner, you would be home right now.”

“I noticed too. I just pretended none of it was real and tried to power through it because I assumed I was getting sick and couldn't handle that and hoped if I kept my head in the sand I'd magically feel better. Pregnancy wasn't on my radar, I mean I really thought those damn pills would work-” Leon suddenly stops talking and pulls away from Luis. “Fuck.”

Luis knows what's happening immediately, but even with lightning fast reflexes, he can't grab the bowl on the nightstand fast enough and Leon starts vomiting directly onto the bed. It's fucking humiliating, but once he starts, he can't stop.

“You're okay, mi amor, you're okay,” Luis whispers. He holds his hair back and rubs soothing circles on his back. While Leon violently sobs and throws up. “Just get everything out, don't worry, you're okay.”

“Sorry,” Leon chokes out, when he's finally done puking up all his stomach contents. “I'm so nasty.”

“Don't be sorry,” Luis says to the still clammy and trembling Leon. “You're shaking like a leaf, corazon. You feel like you can stand..?”

“With help.”

“Then come on! I think you'll feel a little better after getting cleaned up.”

“Is he still out there? I'm not going to do a walk of shame past him. I'm already embarrassed enough.”

“I'll go ask him to step out for a bit, he'll understand.”

Leon doesn't like someone being told not to go somewhere in their own damn home for him, and he doesn't like the thought of needing help just to walk to the bathroom. But he knows Luis isn't backing down, so he doesn't object when Luis goes out to talk to his grandfather, nor does he when Luis comes back and helps him to his feet. He clings to Luis, because he is shaky and needs to stabilize himself somehow. He could probably make it on his own if he stayed seated for a few minutes, but Luis wasn't going to accept anything less than Leon immediately showering.

Luis guides Leon's body down onto the toilet and turns the shower water on to start warming up. “I'll be right back, I'm just going to go get you clean clothes. Don't get up by yourself.”

Not wanting an ER trip resulting from him losing his balance or slipping in the shower, Leon listens and stays seated. He's facing the sink, where there's still several positive pregnancy tests resting. He'd believed Luis when he said they were all positive, but actually seeing them for himself stirred up something in him. Worried it'll get him overemotional and crying again, he forces his eyes away from the sink and starts getting undressed.

That's a mistake, because looking down at his body also makes him emotional. It's changed so much in so little time. Luis had affected it even before pregnancy; the new relationship caused him to be a lot less disciplined about his fitness, often skipping workouts in favor of spending time with his new boyfriend. So his abs were already fading when he got pregnant. Whatever's left of them is gone, hidden underneath the bloating… His chest looks a little bigger too. And his hips and thighs are definitely bigger, though he already knew that because he'd been trying to pretend that his jeans weren't feeling tighter than usual for the past few weeks.

Finally Luis returns to rescue him from his own thoughts. [insert the gay ass monologue abt Luis's body I'm struggling to write]

Even though Leon is feeling more stable and not worried about falling, Luis still insists on getting in the shower with him and hovering, just in case. When they're done, Leon ignores the clean shirt set out for him and instead grabs Luis's dirty shirt off the floor.

“You smell so good today,” Leon says when they're done, ignoring the clean shirt sitting out for him and instead picking up Luis's dirty shirt off the floor and putting it on. “Some weird hormone bullshit.”

“That's flattering. Hey, can I try something? Carry you?”

“You better not drop me!”

Leon is more afraid of being picked up and carried than he's willing to admit. The last time a man picked him up… Krauser always just picked him up with no warning and threw him over his shoulder with no warning, like he was a sack of grain. Then he'd slam him down on some surface, deliberately making it as painful for Leon as possible.

Luis isn't as strong as Krauser or Leon (at least not as strong as Leon at his peak fitness) but he's in good shape, it's a part of the whole famous hot guy thing, and doesn't struggle to lift Leon. He cradles Leon gently, holding him bridal style, and walks from the bathroom to the couch painstakingly slowly.

“Stay here a minute, baby,” Luis says, lowering Leon down onto the couch. “I need to go get clean sheets and blankets on the bed before you go lay down again.”

“Wait,” Leon grabs Luis's wrist before he turns around to walk away. “I think I want to stay out here? Watch a movie or something. Your grandpa can come out here too. I know it's not the kind of thing that you planned for all of-”

“No, no, it's a perfect idea! Do you need anything? More pillows? Blanket? Whatever you need, I'll get it.”

“I'm fine, just need you.”

“I'm getting you a snack and a drink in case you change your mind,” Luis grabs the TV remote and tosses it to Leon. “You pick what we watch.”

Leon flips through some channels absent-mindedly, not really caring what they watch. When Luis comes back and sits down, Leon gets comfortable. He sprawls out on the couch, laying on his side, resting his head in Luis's lap. Luis alternates between petting Leon's hair and his stomach. Eventually they're joined by Luis's grandfather, who takes a seat in the armchair and starts talking. Leon regrets not going back to bed; he feels so awkward because his introduction to the man ended with Luis ushering him off to the bathroom to throw up before he said a word, and now he's talking and Leon can't understand a word. He was so stupid to think he'd be accepted by Luis's grandfather and feel like he belongs here, he doesn't know how to be a part of a normal family. Even if Luis's grandfather spoke English or he spoke Spanish, Leon would be floundering right now. He just looks up to Luis helplessly.

“He says that he's really happy you're sitting out here with us, because he wants to get to know the man who made all his grandson's dreams come true, who also happens to be the man currently carrying his first great grandchild. You don't need to do anything to earn his approval, you already have it,” Luis translates as Leon starts tearing up and tries hiding his face on Luis's leg, and his grandfather keeps talking. “He also says you shouldn't be embarrassed about crying. Or falling asleep, or getting sick. You know he was around my grandmother when she was pregnant with my mother, and around my mother when she was pregnant with me. He's seen all this before, that's how he figured this out before we did. He- No, we. We both just want to make sure you're taken care of and feeling as good as possible, we don't care that I had to change some plans.”

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

WIP Wednesday

I'm still trundling along over here... my biggest project right now is the Hermit embroidery. Which I have been avoiding by doing all the other, smaller pieces I've posted lately, because I put WAY too many annoying tiny sections in this pattern 😭

Luckily last night I finally finished those two loopy blue sections , which I started like a month ago. Honestly I regret my shading/color selection here a bit in several ways, but it's too much to redo (and I'd rather die probably) so I will just stick it out. I don't think it will look BAD but not perfect. Oh well. Once the rest of the colors and thread are in it will look better, though it'll probably be another 30-40 hours of stitching even though what's left will hopefully be a lot faster.

I don't think I've posted any WIPs of this yet in part because I tried a different spray adhesive to attach the stabilizer to the back, and it left these gross looking dark spots on the front of the fabric. They won't be visible when it's done or anything but it annoys me greatly to look at them as I stitch. I'm so sorry ProStick Textile Spray Adhesive I will never forsake you again in favor of another 😭

Second thing I'm working on/avoided all my real work to hyperfixate on today, is I wanted to join in that flower-face trend... i thought since the original inspo image had the kintsugi-esque look plus cracked off parts it'd work really well translated to my stained glass images hahaha. I vectorize'd my Lavellan's whole face from a screenshot (so I can have an intact stained glass portrait of her too), and my intent once I've colored/textured/etc it to look like glass, go in and draw on top to look like it was broken/fell down/has plants growing through it now. I do very much suspect my artistic vision FAR exceeds my actual artistic talent here but yknow whatever, i'll see how far i get.

(Jacinth's screenshot was taken by the wonderful @i-a-w-v ♥︎)

[swallowtailed]

palisade 56 / finalisade interlude: thinking about trees, wood, and timber

oh my god yall. i cannot describe how thrilled i was to meet xylem. a wood-shaped branched!! studying light!!! meditating on time!!!! what a perfect expression of the other-than-human experiences palisade's been exploring.

my immediate first thought on xylem's description was that there's something really compelling about branched personhood involving a consistent yet changeable internal geometry (cf ants walking in a circle). wood is a very organized material, and the branching pattern of trees recapitulates itself. (i'd argue this is also true of human cell structure, tbh, just a bit less obviously.) (*also wood doesn't grow continually! only the outermost ring of a tree is alive. the interior layers are dead tissue. i'll get back to that in a second.)

and wakeful immediately kicked off with suspicion at a perceived lack of cohesion or stability, which was even more fascinating, because wakeful is Also Like That--addressed later by comparing wakeful to a tree (internally structured, each part recapitulating the whole). i almost want to read wakeful's initial reaction as... jealousy? at being able, allowed, willing, free to change as you please. and conversely, that xylem saw a like creature in resolute welkin. which is also very revealing about how the branched view selfhood.

okay, the dead heartwood thing. the only living part of the bole of a tree is the outermost ring (which includes the xylem, the water transport system). the old rings die, but remain as structure. wood is a great record-keeper. each new ring is shaped by the circumstances of its growth--not just water, but light, wind, the surrounding trees, the eroding slope, disturbances from fire and storms and animals--and all of that can be read as long as the wood lasts. unless the tree is so old that its heartwood decays and hollows out, leaving a lacuna at the center. but that's just forgetting. we all do that. anyway: time, for trees, is simply longer than it is for humans, and the experience of that time is recorded in the body of the tree. so what a good way to engage with long-time from the branched perspective! a branched tree! (do we even know how long the branched live? does it depend on their form?)

going to split this point out as its own post but: really liked that xylem takes many forms of wood, rather than just trees. there's a context of influence and reshaping there that i think is important

meanwhile also a really lovely and heartwrenching relationship. i love the invention of new intimacies.

lastly. "some secret war-ending quality hidden in the light all the way out here". did make me cry. it's... yknow. that's the job. or you hope that's the job. it's probably not. but it might be.