#I'd commit crimes if she told me too

[vaporeight]

✨ Some Eight's from a short comic I never finished.

For those curious: It was about S2s octo female hairstyles being super lacking and me not liking them at the time, but by S3, they're the only two options I care about & use regularly. I thought it wasn't that funny and super hard to frame, so I just scrapped it.

[ddejavvu]

I can’t stop thinking about being a suspect in a case and being interviewed by Hotch 😭 like being so nervous and him taking it as like “??? are you even gonna try hiding it??” and you’re not gonna be honest and be like “i’m not nervous because i’m guilty i’m nervous BC YOURE A HOT OLD MAN” because this is a serious case and serious situation so it’s just Hotch trying to coax it out of you, you being all flustered looking suspicious but actually like needy for this man, and the team who caught on like “oh wait no. shes just attracted to him. why do we have hot people on the team?”

SSA Hotchner's scrutinizing gaze studies your weak posture, your fidgeting fingers, your spotty eye contact, and he muses, "You're not very good at controlling your body language."

"What?" You look at him, eyes wide and round and full of nerves. You've never been questioned before, not even by a low level security officer, much less an FBI Agent. You suppose that's making you nervous, yes, but what's really wringing you out is the fact that the one they sent to your interrogation room is just plain hot.

He's gorgeous, all sharp features that are always angled towards you, and dark eyes you'd expect of a criminal, not its captor. His suit is crisp and his voice is low; he's the pinnacle of professionalism and he's making you squirm with his undivided, discerning attention.

"You're nervous," He accuses, and you let out a soft huff in the back of your throat.

Who wouldn't be?

"You're fidgeting, you can't look me in the eyes, you lean away from me," He lists, leaning forwards in his chair to watch you repel like a magnet, your back pressing into the metal bars behind you as he proves his point.

"I'd think someone with the criminal expertise to commit six murders without witnesses would have a better handle on their outward appearance."

"I'd think so, too," You manage, not without stammering, "Agent- Agent Hotchner, I- I'm not-"

"You're not guilty? You're the closest thing we have to a suspect," He doesn't let your stuttering deter him, leaning ever-closer until you're flattened against the back of your chair and he's still advancing. He rises from his seat, inching closer and closer as he continues, "You miraculously discovered the body at an odd hour of the night when you had no business being at the scene of the crime, you called it in, you told the police you knew nothing, you're telling me you know nothing, but still," He's inches away from you now, and every nerve in your body is aflame with mortification at the very unhelpful fantasies rushing through your head as he pins you to the chair.

"-You insist on your innocence, but I don't think you're innocent at all. I think you're trying to toy with us, but we don't play games, you won't win. Understand?" His dark eyes bore into your own and you're painfully attracted to them, biting the inside of your cheek to stop from begging him to back away before you lose control and surge forward to kiss him. He refuses to blink, but you're doing it enough for the both of you, lashes rapidly fluttering as you try calming your pounding heart. He watches you for one, two, three, four, five seconds, expecting a hurried confession at any moment, but the door clicks open before you can stammer something humiliating.

"Hotch," It's a dark-haired woman, and god, does the FBI recruit people based on attractiveness? She's stunning and she turns her beautiful eyes on you in sympathy, "Back off, Hotch. She's innocent."

He narrows his eyes at her almost imperceptibly, turning away from you, "You found the unsub?"

"No," She admits, "But it's not her. Okay? I just know."

"You just- Agent Prentiss," Agent Hotchner stands straight, "That's not protocol."

"I know," She gushes, but she strides confidently through the room to ease you upright and out of your chair, "Just- let me handle this, okay? Come on, honey, we'll talk somewhere private."

Agent Hotchner lets her take you away, and he must trust her, even if he's watching her with narrowed eyes. Maybe this is some interrogation tactic, maybe the woman leading you by the shoulder through the precinct is the good cop, and he was the bad one.

She leads you past a cluster of people all leaning against desks or hunching over files, and a slim blonde woman shoots you a knowing smile. What she knows, you're not sure, but you wish so badly that it were comforting.

The woman walking with you leads you straight to the front door, taking your purse from where they'd confiscated it earlier and handing it back to you.

"You're free to go," She smiles at you, eyes nothing but kind, "I'll tell him you proved your innocence."

"But- what," Your fingers are almost too limp to keep your bag in their grip, "I don't understand-"

"I do," She grins, "He's handsome, I get it. He tends to forget that."

Your cheeks sear with flames that you wish would turn you to ash right then and there, so that you could be carried away on the breeze and not have to answer for your embarrassing instincts.

"Don't worry about it," She laughs, clearly sympathetic to your panic, "Trust me, you're not the first person that's squirmed in their seat under the intense gaze of Aaron Hotchner. He's a smart man, but never smart enough to figure out when someone likes him. You're free to go, honey," She repeats, reaching out to squeeze your arm, "And if you ever get dragged into an investigation again - which I hope you don't," She grins, "I wish you a very ugly investigator."

[princessgarnetxvi]

Everything Johan did was For Anna/Nina

Everything Johan did was for Anna. 

                      A “Monster” capable of love.

“What I’m most afraid of is…forgetting Anna. The strange lessons we have everyday… are making my memories fade. Please, don’t make me forget Anna. It’s only Anna and me in this whole world. Just give me that - please. Please.”  – Johan Liebert”

I was very confused about the complexities of Johan's character up until the last handful of episodes. After rewatching the series for a 3rd time and exploring how Johan is portrayed in the manga, it became very clear to me that my initial opinions about Johan were basic and devalued the intricacies of Naoki's writing. From the beginning we are only TOLD by conflicting views, who Johan was. His character, in the fictional world as well as our own, is simply defined by an individual's perception of him and the story presented. However, if we dissect ALL of the themes and even the undertones Naoki presented to us through the world of characters; I think it would be evident that Johan was not committing heinous acts for superficial reasons such as simply being evil to be evil.

So what was the method to his madness? 

I believe... Everything he did was for Anna.

(Yes this includes erasing himself from existence too )

Author's Note: I want to preface before you read on that although these essays are written in a sympathizing light that Johan has done PLENTY of wrong. This is not written in an attempt to dismiss his heinous acts lightly, but to simply understand the "Monster" of the series by tackling Johan's crimes deeper than the surface. I tried to make sense of Johan's every action in regards to his OVERALL PLAN and why Naoki presented them to us as viewers. For those who will nitpick the term "everything" quite literally, I want to make it clear that not E V E R Y S I N G L E A C T I O N Johan has taken coincides with his love for his sister; his actions towards the children specifically - because there are some things that had nothing to do with his "perfect plan" but more to do with attempting to build Johan's character and his view of the world us as viewers. Justifying ones actions vs. rationalizing ones actions are completely different. I am in no way attempting to discard the accountabilities that Johan should face for his actions, but instead trying to make sense of it all. I've analyzed Johan's crimes against children here: https://xprincessgarnetxvi.tumblr.com/post/691678531250487296/i-really-love-reading-your-essays-i-can However, this will explain the root of Johan's character and the core of his overall plan(s) that was committed for the sake of his sister from the very beginning to the end. The overarching theme and message of Monster is that there are no such thing as Monsters, only broken human beings capable of great evil; so we will humanize this great Monster in order to understand not only Johan Liebert, but the hows/whys Tenma/Nina was able to forgive him and ultimately find value in saving the life of this supposed Monster.

Before we begin, I'd like to take the time to thank you for reading! I can't wait to review your comments and further discuss this magnificent series of Monster!

-

Anna was set up from the beginning to become The “Monster” given she was the one who actually endured the experiments. Her tendencies are shown in glimmers throughout the show. The heartbreaking twist to it though... is that the only reason why she DID not become the beast, was because SHE ( unlike Johan ) HAD KNOWN REAL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

-Johan’s love and sacrifice is what kept her safe from the darkness he knew very well. He got his hands dirty to shield her. He chose to leave her behind in the care of her foster parents, knowing she would forget him, in order to heal.

He chose her than himself over and over; becoming her shadow; choosing to lose his only attachment to his already weakened identity in order for her to heal.

His love for her is why she never became a monster...and tragically, why Johan had.

Which reflects exactly what Mikhail Petrov (whose real name is Reinhart Biermann) said about his "PROFOUND DISCOVERY" concerning his current experiment on the children he had in his home; he said the children did not become animals because he gave them LOVE.

(Mikhail Petrov telling Grimmer how the children in his current experiment did not become Monster - it was because they had LOVE.)

In his own twisted way and view on things, he was protecting her. He killed every "parental" figure they had because he was betrayed by every adult figure in his life so far. People who mentioned calling the police, ended up finding out about their past - anything that could lead the man, who Johan referred to as “The Monster” into finding them, he disposed of.

The adults in their lives thus far would betray them, torture them, hurt them, throw them away- and forcefully separate them. In his severely abused mental state, any adult figure was a potential threat to his and Anna’s safety. So he’d kill in order to runaway from "the monster" and protect Anna. Then when Anna found out about the blood on his hands that fateful night the Monster paid them a visit, he realized that now he had become someone Anna feared - a different kind of Monster but all the similar to the one they were running from.

So he rationalized that now he needed to die.

In that moment, I think we should focus on his body language and expressions. Johan faced the ground. hardly picking up his eyes. His shoulders were sunken and he did not have that menacing little smile he usually had. Johan has killed in secret various times with Anna and back at Kinderheim.

So why was he so messy with the Lieberts?

Because he did not want to kill them - he said HE HAD TO.

It was not a calculated murder, because he was not truly calm and collected; He was afraid.

Lets not forget who Johan was up until that moment: the infamous little boy who provoked an entire riot and massacre by simply opening his mouth. With mere words he was able to sway the adults and children into doing what he wanted. BUT IN THAT MOMENT when Anna caught him red handed, he could not, or rather, would not - try and manipulate Anna.

(He has never once been shown trying to manipulate or abuse her throughout the entire series as he has done intentionally with the rest of the world.)

Instead, he asked her to shoot him and run - in an attempt to finally liberate her from the horrific life they had to lead up until now - blaming his existence for the constant chase their predator (Bonaparte) gave way to them as prey because in that moment, his memories were distorted and he believed he was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion. **** (X) (this theory is challenged referenced below)

To Johan, him living was a danger to Anna and that night made it evident to him.

But when he was brought back to life and realized the gravity behind his methods, seeing how terrified Anna was of him - he started to cry. Because despite his initial feelings of finding his death absolutely necessary for her to be safe, he still wanted what he had with her; the only bond of love he ever knew.

What set his entire ADULT plan into motion (wiping out everyone who ever hurt Anna and created HIM) was Anna's rejection at the hospital. That was when he realized internally, he was beyond forgiveness and that he was nothing more than a monster. A Nameless monster in her reflection that needed to die in order for her to live in peace. (Referencing the God of Peace storybook. )

Johan was the one who gifted the God (Anna) her hat and then she saw herself as the Monster she was supposed to be due to the Red Rose Mansion experiments. This would NOT have happened if Johan did not give her the hat (the red hat which can symbolize the blood he spilled for her. ) so in this instance, Johan is also the reflection (you are me and I am you. They are both nameless monsters)

From that moment on, he wanted to wipe out his entire existence, and that meant those who ALSO "created" him so that Anna could heal as Nina.

I believe this is what is depicted in the Nameless Monster storybook. 

Initially, we are made to believe Johan wanted to “consume everyone” so he would be the last one standing. The Monster known as Johan in the book also devours his counterpart, the Monster who went West and then there is no one left to call him by his name. But clearly, Johan never does this, because Johan never attempts to kill/devour Anna/Nina - because what it symbolizes is entirely different in nature regarding Johan’s intention. 

A quick reminder that both Johan and Anna were considered Nameless Monsters. HOWEVER - by Johan’s hands, Anna does not remain “Nameless” nor does she ever become a “monster” the moment Johan decided to not only leave her behind in the hands of a loving family, but by her changing her name and her identity to Nina. The Fortners never made any implication that they knew of Nina’s past concerning the Lieberts murder and I believe this is because Johan introduced her as Nina to the Fortners and never allowed them to see the trail behind her identity as Anna Liebert. 

Symbolically, Johan, as the Nameless Monster, consumed the Monster inside of Anna and became the only Monster left. This is what is mirrored in Johan’s intentions and the Nameless Monster storybook. 

With Anna forgetting him and Johan leaving her behind thus losing his only connection to someone who truly knew him, now all that is left is Johan, without absolutely anyone to call him by his name - the one and only Nameless Monster.

And this is heavily referenced in Another Monster:

(This reinforces that Johan was trying to make Nina forget her past as Anna)

There wasn’t some sick satisfaction from any of his killings done when he was a child. To him, it was needed for the sake of her safety. This was Johan’s initial “plan.” set in motion. He wanted to be the only one left in the world with his sister - so that they wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore. 

(I also believe at that point when they were kids, Johan's very first plan he referred to when telling Anna "Remember, I have a plan." was to run to another country with her so that the Monster will never find them. It is the only logical idea of a plan that a child could conjure following what he actually leads them to do, which was cross the border. Simply destroying the world is unreachable in his current state and Johan is smart enough to not be delusional in his endeavors. With that being said, he had to kill that old couple to erase any trail they may have left of "two beautiful blonde twins." But this plan fails because they nearly die at the Czech Border and was discovered. )

(Johan telling Anna he has a plan.)

RUHENHEIM:

One of the biggest moments in Ruhenheim has been misinterpreted and lost due to the mistranslations in both the English Dub and the Japanese subtitles. 

I clarify and mend this by breaking down what Nina unraveled in Boneparte’s house when she looked at the portraits by correctly translating the Japanese script/text in depth here on this post:

 But to summarize it for the purpose of this essay, it was revealed to us as viewers that Johan apologized to Anna when she returned from the Red Rose Mansion, revealing the overwhelming weight of guilt he carried when Anna had been taken that day. 

(That day depicts the moment their mother made the terrible 'Choice')

and then Johan accepts his mother will never return to them (assuming she abandoned them) and goes on to tell Anna this:

Johan is the one crying because soon after, Nina tells us that Johan was in that room crying.

This information provides clarity as to why Nina was finally able to understand Johan, empathize with him enough to be able to forgive him. She remembered he was a boy who felt guilty over what happened to her; a boy who cried when he realized they were now all alone in the world.  She understood that Johan desperately did anything and everything to ensure he and Anna survived despite it all.

That Rainy Night:

I want to GREATLY EMPHASIZE the important factor I missed my first time watching the scenes with Johan/Anna - the scenes shown to us were ONLY through her recollection as fragments due to her memory loss. They were told from what she COULD remember, so her take on what really happened that rainy night the first few times the events are unfolded before us should not be taken as absolute. At least...up until it is revealed in the final episodes that Anna realized that on that night instead of seeming like an empty shell of a person asking for death, Johan was crying and crying before she shot him.

The scene where Anna finds the portraits reveals what truly happened between them and its so important. She said “Johan was crying “here” just like before.” She was mimicking a memory she had just recalled in its entirety. “Why are you crying, why are you crying?” She sounded in distress. Directly after she reveals that she remembers him crying, it shows the image of him pointing at his head that rainy night.

Even though Johan told her to shoot him, it is IMPORTANT that he was crying and the author highlights this for a reason.

I believe that, finally being able to vividly remember that day finally revealed to her that Johan wasn’t the “face of absolute evil” she initially dismissed him to be; he was a boy/man who could cry and mourn - he was human. He was a terrified boy protecting Anna and himself the only way he knew how. and instead of showing him forgiveness/love - she added on to his collection of wounds scarred upon his soul from everyone else who chose to harm him.

Tenma...was ultimately the ONLY one in his life who showed him kindness.

Johan's intentions and reasons behind many crimes: Essay II.

( I will summarize it here as the extension essay was far too long to put on this post)

**** (☓) I want to ask, did Johan truly believe he was the one who went to the Red Rose Mansion or was that simply a masquerade he performed to make sure Anna did not remember?

(I wrote an essay on this being a possibility here: PART 2 OF THIS ESSAY. This will explain Johan's intentions in depth)

(this is a theory I FIRMLY believe and have completely adopted. But for the sake of argument, I will entertain both concepts behind Johan's memory in this essay.)

If we entertain the idea that Johan never misconstrued his memories about the Red Rose and pretended he did, I can dissect Johan’s intentions a bit more intricately.

Throughout the series you see that he is trying to wipe everyone who knew of what happened to Anna off the face of the earth, that included himself. He did not want Anna to remember. So when it was revealed she did remember, he mourned. It was subtle but evident in the anime when she reveals “you are wrong.” something in him shifted - for once he was reacting to the words of another.

She said "he had a smile but seemed like he was crying. I never seen such an expression on his face before." That entire scene, Johan’s eyes expressed something we’ve never seen from him throughout the series - a sense of mourning or longing?

Johan in front of Anna always appeared the most human and I feel Naoki did this with purpose.

(Naoki specifically told the directors/animators of the anime series to never stray from how he expressed Johan's eyes for a very important reason. )

Johan's expression finally meeting Anna after 13 years apart.

-

If, however, Johan DID truly think he was the one who suffered at the red rose mansion, his “perfect suicide” plan still relates to his twisted-selfless feelings for Anna.

Johan learns it was not him that suffered at the Red Rose Mansion...but Anna instead. and then Johan goes on to commit the "perfect suicide." In his plan to die, he wanted to take The Monster with him, forcing Bonaparte to endure the same exact hell he forced Anna to suffer as a child.

Call it an act of revenge. Some may think Johan is incapable of being vengeful but I cannot see this cruel and calculated act as anything other than malice. After Bonaparte was finally dead, the monster disposed of - Johan was ready to die.

But you can see his conviction began to slip away when Anna forgave him. What made it worse was realizing he was wrong about Tenma because even now, Tenma was still hesitating on killing him ruthlessly like he always presumed would happen. Johan thought he had humans all figured out - after all, all Johan has EVER known was the darkness in people’s hearts. That is why he was so confused/moved by Tenma and wanted so desperately to prove him wrong.

The manga portrays Johan’s expressions 1000X BETTER THAN THE ANIME. As soon as Anna arrives, Johan is just staring at the floor, unable to look at her - Repeating everything from that fateful rainy night when they were kids. But this time, Anna doesn’t kill him, she chooses love and compassion. and when she says she forgives him - his reaction is something the anime does not do justice

(The subtle shift the artist expressed in his eyes from her words is so significant but missed in the anime; but he reacts rather deeply, moved and shocked by her words.)

Because "Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was found, is saved from being lost again."

In the manga he isn’t quick to reply. He ponders over her words carefully and I think this is when his mind starts panicking.

Anna realized that forgiveness was the one thing he wanted that night she shot him, despite him also thinking his death was needed. His value depended on her view of him; and what she once robbed from him was now returned - a human being worthy of forgiveness instead of a monster.

He is telling her the evident truth that he cannot turn back because he TRULY believes Tenma is going to kill him any moment.

Johan refuses her forgiveness not because he resents her or thinks its too late for her to redeem herself - but because he doesn’t think he deserves it. “There are somethings that cannot be undone.” Because it is too late, Johan is going to die - he WANTS to die. Then you see the fear and helplessness in his eyes after getting the one thing he always wanted [ Anna’s forgiveness] because he desperately wanted to die as the only thing he knew himself to be: the nameless, nonexistent monster. But both Anna and Tenma rob him of that by bestowing upon him the gift of compassion, mercy and empathy; for the first time treating and valuing him like a human being instead of a monster,god,experiment, devil etc., as everyone around him has his entire life.

(The Monster inside of Johan begins to crumble.)

Johan in his final moments was cracking and finally falling apart. You see it in the final expression he makes: the distraught, confusion and sadness. Because he realized, he was wrong about people, he was wrong about the world. But how can we blame him for his view on humanity when all he has ever been shown since birth was how ugly, selfish, cruel and inhumane people can be?

How can we expect someone who has only seen darkness to be able to find the light?

I want to clarify one thing I noticed: Johan has never shown to take any kind of sick satisfaction from killing unlike all the other serial killers being interviewed in the series. (aside from Richard) Specifically, Johan is without "the lust for murder" as Lunge explains in Another Monster - which is why Johan hired other people to kill for him instead. Especially contrasting Johan with Roberto, specifically, when Roberto tries to kill Anna.

(that is until Richard, which makes Johan's dealings with him stand out for a reason. He doesn't even take pleasure in killing the Red Hiddenburg, he leaves before witnessing her death instead of reveling in his 'checkmate' coming to fruition.)

Despite his callousness and his lack of care for life - Johan, despite how much of a "monster" he was, very clearly had humanity and had love....for his sister most of all. Johan saw when his mother choose, how little their lives meant to her and this instilled his nihilism at such a young age. He watched Anna get tossed to the wolves like nothing and in that moment, he probably thought his mother chose Anna over him for a reason. (even though the question on her intention would haunt him for the rest of his life) But her being able to choose is what hurt him the most and it's probably what instilled his self sacrificing mentality to care for Anna above the world in order to never make the same mistake his mother had.

That is why after she got back from the Red Rose Mansion, he cried for her story and apologized as if it was his responsibility to feel guilty over what happened to her. It should have been him that suffered. Then after, he treats her with the upmost care, telling her everything is hers, no matter what she will win everything because he would deem it so. He is kind to her, never letting go of her hand even when she is dragging behind - he sacrificed all of himself for her...

Because she deserved everything in the world to contrast their mother throwing her away.

(it should be noted that the Lieberts did not want Anna either but only adopted her because Johan refused to leave the orphanage without her. Which is also why I believe he killed them when Bonaparta came because he thought the Lieberts were conspiring with Bonaparta to get Anna)

🌰 (The ‘Acorn game’ represents their Mother's choice, a child in each hand. But in this version, Johan would ensure that no matter what hand Anna chooses, she will NEVER choose wrong. He manipulates the fate behind her choices by holding two acorns instead of one; never letting her make the same mistake as her mother.)

He wanted her to know above all else, she was loved.

A clear indication of this adoration/attachment he has for her is the fact that he DOES NOT forget her even after enduring the hellish experiments in Kinderheim that aimed at wiping out / messing around with his memories.

-

I wrote this because I was astounded to see various posts/Wiki pages implying that Johan’s intentions were to torture Anna and make her kill herself. Telling her to shoot him was his first attempt to drive her insane? They twisted a lot of things Johan did to try and make this statement true. But I cannot comprehend how they drew this conclusion? The series has characters mentioning on more than a few occasions that Anna is dear to Johan. "He is lost with you."

Everyone knew Anna was important to Johan, Professor Geidlitz was the first to mention this besides the old blind man. Roberto was aware of this which is why he tried to kill her as mentioned in Another Monster. Which is ALSO why Peter Capek tried to hold her hostage to prevent Johan from killing him.

and for the first time, Johan DOESN'T kill him.

Johan cried when he awoke at the hospital after he reached for his sister and she screamed in fear of him. His face full of tears - his heart completely broken. If his intention was to drive Anna insane, he would have triumphed in that moment she screamed and fell to the ground after he reached out to her. But instead he mourned.

Anna has mentioned several times that Johan has cried for her, like when he was in the room full of their happy portraits, he was crying. He never once tried to bring harm to Anna - not intentionally towards her person. Explaining the Fortners murder - either he killed the Fortners after they decided to keep lying to her, thus keeping him in the shadows when he wanted to return. OR he killed them because they were going to tell her the truth about her identity, which was something Johan worked to conceal. (this theory is explained thoroughly in essay #2 )

Regardless, if he wanted to torment her, he would not have tried to lure her away to the castle when he set up the Fortners to be killed.

They imply that Johan wanted to torture her and then kill her at the end. But that makes absolutely no sense. Where in the storyline does Johan give off this tendency towards her? Even at the end he told her where to meet him in Ruhenheim and not once did he try to shoot her or Tenma. Honestly, if he really wanted to provoke Tenma to shoot him, he would have held the gun to Anna instead of a random child. But even though being shot by Tenma was his greatest endeavor, he refused to point the gun at someone who was important to Tenma...because Anna, is important to Johan too.

To say Johan, despite being hailed as the Monster of the series, had no love or humanity in him and was merely the Devil himself...completely missed the point of the story...

I’d like to point out the constant mentioning of Hitler in this story and draw another important factor...Hitler brainwashed people to commit mass genocide. Under his rule, millions perished in horrific ways. But despite that...Hitler was capable of loving others. Hitler was also loved by others. The terrifying truth about people who commit atrocities...is that they are not monsters or demons or devils...

they are merely human.

-

Here’s two passages from ANOTHER MONSTER [novel post Monster written by Naoki] that really drives this point:

- PSA: My twin brother FINALLY finished his 2 HOUR Johan Analysis Essay, that dives deeper into Johan's character. This essay and essay #2 will be included in this analysis video as we both worked on it together. However, this lays out the details visually and with beautiful music. Please watch!

[fatecantstopme]

I Can't Walk Away

Pairing: Nick Amaro x plus size!reader

Summary: When you and your boyfriend break up, you're faced with the seemingly impossible task of putting yourself back together. Luckily for you, your very handsome coworker is more than happy to help along the way.

Warnings: Body image issues, low self-esteem, mentions of toxic/abusive relationships, cursing, use of pet names. SMUT, light dom/sub vibes, oral (F receiving), unprotected sex (P in V).

A/N: This was entirely self-indulgent and I have no regrets.

Spanish Translations:

Querida: sweetheart/darling

Hermosa: beautiful

Mierda: shit

Por favor: please

Si: yes

All other translations will be after the sentence in brackets/italics.

You dropped onto Olivia's couch with a huff, tears still threatening to break through your stubborn facade.

"Are we gonna talk about it or do I need to have someone beat him up?" Liv asked you, a small smirk gracing her face.

"As much as I'd love to see his ass get handed to him, I think we should avoid committing any crimes," you said lightly.

Olivia sighed softly and reached over to put her arm around you. You leaned into her shoulder and began to let your guard drop. Olivia had been your best friend for over a decade now, your time working together in SVU having brought you closer than you could have imagined.

"He was an asshole, (Y/N/N)," she said softly. "You deserve better."

"You say that, but I guess I just don't believe it," you muttered.

It nearly broke her heart to hear you speak so negatively of yourself, but she knew no matter how many uplifting words she spoke, you would still refuse to believe her.

"Maybe there's something wrong with me," you whispered, tears finally beginning to fall. "Maybe I'm broken--unloveable."

"Hey," she chided. "You are so many things, (Y/N), but broken and unloveable are not among them."

She tightened her grip on you, pulling you into a proper side hug. She let you cry into her shoulder, her own heart breaking along with yours.

You knew, objectively, she was right--your now-ex was indeed an asshole. He'd never treated you well and had often put you down and made you feel terrible about yourself. Your self-esteem had been lower than usual when you met him and in the 6 months you'd been together, he'd managed to destroy whatever vestige of self-love you had left.

There wasn't a single thing about you he didn't belittle. Whether it was your physical appearance, your career, your hobbies, your dreams...he made you feel like everything you ever did was a mistake. In his estimation, you were too fat, unintelligent, boring...and your choice in career was just about the worst thing you could do.

You'd made it your mission in life to help the victims of particularly heinous crimes, which is why you'd been working at SVU for almost 12 years. You were the squad's forensic psychologist, and you loved your work. In many respects, it was the one thing that really brought joy to your life. It was your greatest passion--and the amount of time you spent at work certainly showed it.

Yet during those 6 months with him...your love for the job had begun to wane. Every time you'd stay late or have to cancel a date, he'd berate you for it--mocking your job and your inability to 'be a real person'. Now that you'd finally taken the leap and broken up with him, you were hopeful you could fall back in love with your work.

In this moment, however, all you could think about were the horrible things he'd said to you when you told him you wanted to break up. He'd been especially cruel, calling out every physical insecurity you had and making you feel like an absolute pile of human garbage. He'd called you fat, ugly, unloveable, gross...and a million other things you couldn't bear to repeat.

You weren't thin--you knew that, but you weren't gross. That was just offensive. Unfortunately, he wasn't the first ex to make comments about your weight--something you'd been struggling with for most of your adult life. The words had hit you harder than you'd expected, making you actually think he might be right...maybe you were the problem.

Olivia's voice broke you out of your thoughts, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

You just nodded, not trusting your voice to answer her properly.

She squeezed you a little tighter, her reassuring presence grounding you in ways you desperately needed. You were always thankful for her friendship, but it was moments like this where you were reminded how much she really meant to you.

**********

You'd spent most of the weekend at Olivia's and by the time Monday rolled around, you were feeling a little bit better. She always knew what to do and say to make everything okay. It was a gift you'd always envied and appreciated.

It was very typical of you to be the first person in the office, having been an early riser most of your life. So you were more than a little surprised when you walked into the precinct Monday morning and spotted Nick Amaro sitting at his desk.

"You're in early," you commented lightly in lieu of greeting.

He turned his gaze to look over at you and shot you a disarming smile. "I couldn't sleep, so I figured I might as well get a head start on some paperwork I've been putting off."

"Wise man. Wouldn't want to upset the boss."

He grinned. "She's strict." His voice was teasing and warm and it made you feel something in your gut you always tried to ignore.

In truth, you were extremely attracted to Nick--it was undeniable. You had not, nor would you ever, tell him or act on it. Nick was so far out of your league it wasn't even funny. Besides, he was newly single, still fresh from his divorce.

"She can be calmed with good coffee and blueberry muffins," you said conspiratorially.

Nick chuckled. "I'm gonna have to write that down."

You offered him a smile before continuing past him to your office. You were surprised when his voice stopped you after a few steps.

"How was your weekend?"

You turned back to face him. "Friday was absolute shit," you said honestly. "But I spent Saturday and part of yesterday with Liv, so it's better now."

A look of concern crossed his face. "Everything okay?"

You feigned a smile. "Everything's fine. Thanks for asking."

His eyes narrowed as he gazed at you skeptically. "Is it that guy again?"

Your cheeks darkened, embarrassed Nick even knew about your ex. "We broke up."

Nick almost looked relieved. "I would say sorry, but it wouldn't be honest. I never liked the guy--he didn't treat you right."

You were surprised he paid enough attention to the things you said to know just how badly your ex had treated you. "Oh?"

Nick stood up and took a couple steps closer to you. He was still a professional distance away, but he could speak quieter so only you could hear him.

"You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You're an amazing woman, (Y/N), and a good man would never treat you the way he did. He clearly didn't recognize your worth."

His words slammed into you with surprising force. "I-um-thank you," you muttered softly.

"You can thank me by dating a man who will love you the way you deserve," he said lowly. "Como una reina." [Like a queen.]

His last three words were so quiet you weren't even sure you'd heard him properly--or if you were supposed to hear them at all. You weren't fluent in Spanish by any means, but you understood the basics...enough to know he'd said something about a queen. That is, if you heard him correctly.

You were about to ask him to elaborate when Olivia came into the squad room. She sent a warm smile your way and issued greetings to both you and Nick. Her arrival broke whatever spell Nick had been under, and he went back to his desk quietly.

You went into your office, leaving the door open behind you so you could hear the goings on and the arrival of the rest of the squad. There were plenty of things for you to do, but you couldn't get Nick's words out of your head.

**********

Olivia looked up from her computer when Nick knocked on the doorframe entering her office.

"Mind if I come in?" he asked.

"Sure," she said with a smile.

He came in and quietly shut the door behind him.

"Uh-oh...closed door conversation? Everything okay?"

"With me, yes," he answered. "But I wanted to ask you something and I don't want anyone overhearing."

"Okay..."

"It's about (Y/N)."

Olivia raised her eyebrows. "What about her?"

"She mentioned she'd spent the weekend with you and she and that asshole broke up."

Olivia chuckled softly, glad to hear she wasn't the only one who hated your ex.

"I know it's not really my business, but I can tell something is really upsetting her. Hell, I've noticed a change in her since the moment they started dating--and not in a good way."

"He isn't a good person," Olivia conceded.

"Tell me about it," Nick muttered. "Anyway, I just--well, I just want to know if she's okay? I mean, really okay."

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I did, but I know she wasn't being honest with me."

Olivia sighed. She had a feeling he was asking about you for a reason, but she wasn't sure it was her place to tell him the truth. She was torn between being honest with her partner and keeping her best friend's pain to herself.

"I don't know if it's my place to tell you, but he did say some particularly cruel things about her when she broke up with him."

Nick's eyes narrowed and Olivia could see the anger flare in them. "What did he say to her?" Even his voice was laced with fury--the mere idea someone would hurt you sent him off the edge.

"I can't tell you," Olivia answered. "But if you really want to know, then I think you should talk to her. She trusts you, so she may open up to you."

Nick nodded, anger still boiling beneath the surface. "You're right--I didn't mean to intrude or anything."

Olivia shook her head. "It's alright. I know you care about her...I guess I'm just a little surprised by your anger."

He winced slightly, feeling embarrassed for his display of emotion. "I don't like the idea of some guy making her feel like shit."

"Neither do I," she said honestly. "I am curious though...what made you ask about her?"

"Wha-what do you mean?"

Olivia smiled slowly. "I mean, why do you want to know badly enough to ask me?"

Nick had a feeling Olivia could see right through him--they'd been partners for a few years after all. He wasn't sure how to answer--or if he wanted to be entirely truthful. In the end, he opted for vague honesty. "I care about her."

Olivia watched his expression in silence for a long moment before responding. "So do I."

Nick could see the meaning behind her words as clearly as if she'd spoken them aloud--don't hurt my friend. He didn't say it, but he hoped Olivia knew he would never hurt you...it would break his heart.

**********

"Hey (Y/N/N). You busy?"

You looked up to see Nick standing in your office doorway, leaning against the frame. You swallowed thickly as you pushed down the improper thoughts blazing through your mind at the sight.

"Uh--no. What's up?"

He stepped into the room, edging closer to your desk. "I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight. My treat."

You raised your eyebrows at him, unsure of the cause of his request. "Is there some sort of celebration I'm unaware of?"

He chuckled lightly. "Other than your new-found freedom, no. I just...well, I wanted to spend a little time with you. Ya know, if you want."

You bit your bottom lip as you contemplated his offer. "Well, I don't have any other plans, so why not?"

He grinned. "Excellent. Do you want time to go home first or just leave from here?"

You looked down at your outfit, suddenly feeling very frumpy and unattractive. You knew he wasn't asking you out on a date--just a friend inviting you to dinner to cheer you up. Even still, you really didn't want to go out looking like this. "Do you mind if I go home and change first?"

"Not at all. I can pick you up from your place, if you'd like?"

"Oh, uh-yeah. Sure."

He smiled again. "Perfect. 6:30?"

You nodded. "Sounds good."

You watched him walk out of your office, mind racing as you tried to figure out his motivations and what the hell you were gonna wear.

**********

By the time 6pm rolled around, you'd managed to change your clothes somewhere in the realm of 50 times, and you still weren't entirely satisfied. Even your favorite outfit didn't feel right--you could hear your ex's voice in the back of your mind telling you everything you tried on looked bad.

You dug further into your closet, looking for something simple--cover the things you wanna hide and accentuate the things you wanna show off. Your eyes fell on a beautiful black dress you'd actually never worn. You'd purchased it on a whim because you'd loved it in the store and Olivia had insisted it was too perfect to pass up on.

You pulled the dress off the hanger and put it on, pleased it still fit properly. When you turned to look in the mirror, you almost didn't recognize yourself--you actually felt pretty. The bodice of the dress was tight, but the lower half was flowy. The material was a soft, stretch satin, with a low neckline and flutter sleeves. The dress hit right above your knees and it practically screamed for a pair of heels.

You found your favorite black pumps, slipping them on and smiling at your reflection. You put on some jewelry to spice up the look, sprayed your favorite perfume, and double checked your hair and makeup one last time. You didn't wear much makeup on the daily, so you didn't go too wild with your makeup for the evening. You'd added some eyeliner and lipstick, but otherwise you looked natural. You'd actually been having a good hair day already, so you were pleased to see it was still behaving properly.

You'd just put the last finishing touches on the outfit when you heard the buzzer ring. You quickly went to answer it, and upon hearing Nick's voice, told him you'd be right down.

You took one last look in the mirror, took a deep breath, and headed downstairs feeling both excited and trepidatious. You reminded yourself once again this was just two friends having dinner--purely platonic...but you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't want it to be an actual date.

Nick was waiting just outside the front entrance to your apartment building, and he turned around when he heard the door open. Nothing could have prepared you for the look on his face when he saw you.

"Santa mierda," he breathed. "You look incredible." [Holy shit.]

You blushed and looked away. "Thank you," you mumbled softly.

He stepped towards you and gently touched your chin, lifting your face to meet his gaze. "You're very welcome."

He dropped his hand, but his eyes stayed fixed on your face for a long moment. "Do you like Italian?" he asked.

"Of course," you answered, silently pleased your voice sounded normal.

"Excellent." He gestured towards his car and you followed behind him. He opened the passenger door and helped you in before getting in the driver's seat.

The drive wasn't very long, and your nerves kept you quiet for most of the ride. You listened to him chatter on about nothing, simply enjoying the sound of his voice.

When you arrived at the restaurant, he once again opened your door and helped you out, but this time his hand didn't leave yours. He placed your hand through the loop he'd made with his arm and guided you to the entrance.

Once you were seated, your nerves began to ratchet up even higher. Unfortunately for you, Nick was both an extremely good detective and an annoyingly perceptive person. As such, he noticed your discomfort immediately.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," you lied.

"It's just me, (Y/N/N)," he said quietly.

You exhaled slowly--realizing he was right. It was Nick for God's sake. He was your colleague, your friend. There was no reason to be nervous. "You're right."

He smiled, reaching across the table to squeeze your hand. He pulled it back to his side of the table as the server arrived for your drink order.

You were grateful for the glass of wine he delivered moments later, lifting it to your lips almost immediately. You knew the liquid would calm your nerves--maybe then you wouldn't embarrass yourself.

"I'm glad you agreed to have dinner with me," Nick said softly as he sipped his own glass of wine.

"I was a little surprised, in all honesty."

"That I asked or that you agreed?" he teased lightly.

You smiled. "Definitely the former."

"I hate seeing you upset," he admitted. "I thought I might be able to cheer you up a little."

"Thanks, Nick. You're a good friend."

His face fell slightly, but he quickly hid it behind a soft smile. "May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Whatever he was going to ask was cut off by the arrival of the server to take your food order.

As soon as the server left the table, Nick leaned forward and lowered his voice. "What did he say to you that hurt you so much?"

"What?"

"Your ex."

Your expression shifted and you looked down at the table. "It doesn't matter."

"It does to me."

"Why?"

"Because whatever he said hurt you--and I'm willing to bet my career that he was wrong."

Your eyes snapped back up to meet his. His expression was deadly serious, yet it somehow put you at ease in a way only Nick could. "He said some unpleasant things about my physical appearance that I could have lived without hearing."

Surprise lit up his handsome face. "Unpleasant things about your appearance? I'll bet my life he was wrong."

Now it was your turn to be surprised. "I wouldn't make that bet, Nick."

"I'm confident. Tell me what he said and I'll judge for myself."

You took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before giving him a quick overview. "Essentially he said I'm unattractive and fat--I recall the word 'gross' being used as well."

Nick's temper flared instantly, the urge to punch that son of a bitch in the face nearly overwhelming. "He said what?"

Even if you didn't know Nick, you would have been able to see the rage simmering in his eyes, hear it in his tone. "It's not a big deal."

"If he was here, I'd launch him through a window. Bastard."

"I'm okay," you reassured him quietly.

Your soft voice grounded him, as it so often did, and he felt his anger dissipating. He was still angry, but the urge to hunt that asshole down had begun to fade.

"He was wrong, you know."

"Huh?"

"He was wrong. Not only are you one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on, but your body is perfectly proportioned--deliciously soft and curvy. You're about as far from gross as a human being can be."

He spoke with such conviction, such assuredness, that you almost believed him--almost.

"While I appreciate the compliment, Nick, you've never seen me naked...your opinion would change, trust me."

Nick's eyes flared with a new kind of intensity. "I highly doubt that."

"His did," you said quietly.

"He clearly didn't know what he had."

Your eyes met his, shoulders tense, discomfort obvious in every movement you made.

"Listen to me, (Y/N). I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me--I think you're gorgeous. Stunning. Elegante. Sin fin perfecta." [Elegant. Endlessly perfect.] He reached for your hand and you let him take it in his. "You are a prize, (Y/N). Any man worth a damn would be honored to call you his."

You didn't know what to say. His words surprised you and warmed your soul at the same time. You could also feel the familiar tightening in your gut, accompanied by an entire swarm of butterflies dancing in your stomach.

"Forget every terrible thing he ever said to you, hermosa. Let me fill your mind with praise. Let me remind you of your beauty, inside and out, of your brilliance, of your kindness, your empathy...of all the little things that make you the incredible woman you are."

"Nick..." you whispered, his name the only coherent thing you were able to utter.

The moment was shattered by the arrival of your food. You'd been hungry when you sat down at the table, but your body was now flooded with a very different kind of hunger--a hunger you now believed Nick shared.

"Thank you, Nick," you said softly. "I know it's not nearly enough, but thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I meant every word."

You gave him a small smile. "Still..."

He returned the expression.

The two of you ate in silence for several minutes, minds clearly elsewhere. After a while, Nick noticed you'd done more moving the food around the plate than actually eating and he called you out on it.

"Eat your food, querida. You'll need your strength."

Your head snapped up, eyes meeting his gaze. "For what?"

He leaned forward. "If you'll let me, I'm going to spend several hours showing you exactly how sexy I think you are."

You gulped. "And how do you plan on doing that?"

He grinned wolfishly. "By worshipping that amazing body of yours...over and over again, until you're screaming my name."

You suddenly found it very difficult to breathe, let alone eat. Nick, on the other hand, went right back to eating his food as if he hadn't just threatened you with an incredibly good time.

You had to force yourself to focus on your food, desperately trying to ignore the throbbing between your legs.

As soon as the meal was over, Nick asked for the check and paid, revealing just how desperate he was to get back to your place.

Once again, he helped you into the car, only this time his hand lingered on the small of your back.

Anticipation flooded through you as Nick drove through the streets of the city. You'd wanted him for so long--never once thinking he'd reciprocate the desire. Despite his words earlier in the evening, you still felt a shred of self-doubt...worrying he might not find you as attractive once you were naked.

"Where's that pretty head at, querida?" he asked softly, noticing your anxiety.

"Can you promise me something?"

"Of course."

"If you don't want to go through with this...you know, when you see me without my clothes on...please just tell me. I don't want you to feel like you have to do something you don't wanna do."

He reached over and grabbed your hand, squeezing it tightly. "I don't have to promise that because I know what I want, (Y/N)...and that's you. You could be a alien underneath those clothes and I'd still want you."

You laughed lightly. "I promise I'm not an alien."

He grinned. "Then we're gonna be just fine, baby."

You closed your eyes, silently willing yourself to believe him. You trusted him with your life--something you'd never experienced with any of your past relationships. Every fiber of your being told you Nick would never hurt you on purpose--never. You just needed to trust him--let go of your pain and give in to your desires.

When you finally made it back to your apartment, Nick gave you a gentle reminder. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, (Y/N)."

"I want to," you whispered.

He inhaled slowly and took a step towards you. "Say 'no' or 'stop' and I'll stop immediately, okay? No hard feelings--I won't push you."

"I don't want to say no, Nick."

He took another step towards you, effectively backing you against the wall. "If you wanna stop--"

"Nick, please just kiss me," you begged softly.

He groaned softly before leaning in to press his lips to yours. His kiss was like fire and ice--more addictive than any drug known to man. He kissed you like you were the air he needed to breathe--like he would rather suffocate to death than stop.

He pressed his warm body against yours, wedging his knee between your thighs to keep you from squeezing them together. His tongue tangled with yours, quickly asserting dominance as he deepened the kiss.

Your hands went to the buttons on his white button down, quickly undoing them in a desperate need to feel his skin. He helped you remove the shirt, followed by his undershirt, leaving his toned chest bare for you to see.

You bit your lip and stifled a soft groan as you appreciated his form.

"You can touch me, querida," he said softly. "I wanna feel your soft hands on my skin."

You did as he asked, hands gliding over his smooth, tan skin. He sighed softly and leaned into your touch, lips grazing your jaw affectionately.

Your hands traveled to his hips and you began to loosen his belt. He allowed you to unbutton his pants and he helped you remove them.

"I think you're a bit overdressed for the occasion, hermosa," he teased huskily.

You tensed slightly, a feeling of dread washing over you.

Of course, Nick felt it and instantly began to sooth your worries. "You can keep on as much as you want, querida, but I want to see you. I've wanted to touch you like this since the day I met you. But if you're more comfortable keeping your clothes on, that's alright."

You looked up at him, his dark eyes warm and honest. You took a deep breath and pushed him back slightly, giving yourself the room to pull your dress off over your head.

You dropped your dress to the ground, but your eyes didn't meet his gaze--you couldn't even bring yourself to look at his face, too afraid of what you might see there.

"Querida, por favor," Nick whispered. "Look at me."

You looked up at him slowly, a soft gasp leaving your lips as you took in his hungry expression.

"I wanna kiss every square inch of your beautiful body, hermosa. Will you let me?"

You nodded tentatively.

"I need to hear you say it, baby," he pleaded.

"I want you Nick, please."

He groaned and pressed his body against yours again. "Say that again, querida."

"I want you," you whispered.

"Fuck--" He slammed his lips against yours, sliding his tongue into your mouth almost immediately. You melted in his arms, reveling in the feeling of his body against yours.

He finally pulled away to catch his breath, but his hands didn't leave your body. Now that he'd touched you so intimately, he never wanted to stop.

"Come with me," he whispered, before guiding you to your bedroom. "Lay down on the bed for me, querida."

You did as he asked, noticing how his eyes never left your body.

He made sure you were looking at him before he began to lower his boxer briefs, slowly revealing his large cock. He was already painfully hard, a bead of precum lingering at the tip.

You licked your lips in anticipation, an action he noticed with pride.

"Like what you see, hermosa?"

"Very much so."

He smiled and climbed onto the bed, covering your soft body with his hard one. "May I take off your bra?"

You nodded.

"Baby..." he said in a clear warning tone.

You understood his meaning instantly, a flood of arousal going straight to your core at the order. "Yes, papi."

His eyes widened for a moment, surprised and pleased at your use of the title. "Such a good girl, aren't you?"

A soft moan left your lips at the praise and he smiled to himself, pleased he was able to suss out what you liked.

His hand snaked around your back, deftly unclasping your bra with surprising ease. The moment your breasts were bared to his gaze, his mouth descended on you, taking a pert nipple into his mouth.

You moaned softly, fingers intertwining into his dark locks. His lips and hands massaged your breasts, giving them equal attention. True to his word, he moved tantalizingly slowly down your body, kissing every inch of skin he could, while avoiding where you needed him most.

By the time he made his way back up to your face, you were begging him to touch your pussy--pleading for some relief.

"Nick, please--I need you."

"What did you call me?" he asked harshly.

Your eyes widened lustfully. "I'm sorry, papi!"

He smiled, ghosting his fingers across your still-clothed pussy. "That's my good girl."

You whimpered at the feather-light touches he placed to your mound, desperate for more. "Please, papi."

"Hmm? Qué deseas?" [What do you want?]

"Please touch me," you begged.

"I am touching you, querida."

"More, papi. Please!"

He smiled. "Normally I'd take my time teasing you--making you beg for what you want...but if I'm being honest, I'm as desperate to touch you as you are to feel it, so I'll be nice to you this time."

He tugged your panties off quickly before spreading your thighs as wide as he could, revealing your dripping wet folds.

"All this for me, baby?" he growled.

"Only you, papi," you responded.

"Yeah? No one else makes you this wet?"

You shook your head vehemently. "No one else."

"Now I have one rule, hermosa. I wanna hear you--every little sound coming out of that pretty mouth. Be as loud as you want. Entiendes?" [Understand?]

"Si, papi," you whimpered.

He smirked as he lowered himself down onto the bed between your legs. His strong hands gripped your hips and he tugged you as close to his face as he could before diving into your pussy with a deep groan of pleasure.

You gasped at the sensation, the sound quickly becoming moans of enjoyment. Nick was quite skilled with his mouth--his tongue alone made you feel things you'd never before experienced.

Your fingers tangled into his hair, tugging at the roots as you desperately sought your release.

Nick held you in place as he continued his assault on your pussy, ensuring he had complete control over your pleasure.

"Feels so good," you gasped. "Gonna cum, papi."

He groaned against your clit, the vibrations sending a shockwave of pleasure through your body. He could feel how close you were by the way your thighs tried to close and your grip on his hair tightened.

Your moans became more desperate--needy, and he slid two fingers into your pussy, gently pressing into your g-spot rapidly.

You cried out, legs shaking slightly, seconds before your orgasm ripped through you like a tidal wave. His name left your lips in a gasped scream as he worked you through your high, only stopping when you began to squirm away.

You were completely breathless when he lifted his head, mouth and chin soaked in your juices. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth on his hand, licking it clean as he maintained eye contact with you. "You taste so good baby...I can't get enough."

You reached for him and he obliged, leaning forward to kiss you softly. You tasted yourself on his lips and tongue, a soft sound of pleasure escaping into his mouth.

"Querida," he whispered against your lips. "I need to be inside you."

"Please," you whimpered.

"Do you have protection?"

"I'm on the pill..."

"I'm clean," he assured you.

"Me too."

He lined his cock up with your entrance and looked back up at your face. "Are you sure, hermosa?"

"Si papi. I want you to fuck me."

He groaned softly before thrusting into you, sheathing himself fully inside of you in one swift movement.

You cried out, the stretch both overwhelming and extremely pleasurable all at once. You clutched his neck and he breathed deeply, trying to calm his racing heart.

"You can move," you whispered.

"Not yet, querida. I need a moment."

"Are you okay?" you asked in concern.

"Your pussy feels so damn incredible, baby...I'm just trying to control myself so I don't hurt you."

You bit your lip and lifted his face up to look at you. "I like a little bit of pain, papi." You clenched your pussy tightly for emphasis.

"Mierda," he ground out. "You sure?"

"Fuck me senseless, Nick. Por favor."

As much as he loved you calling him 'papi', hearing you say his name like that made him feral. He pulled out and thrust back in harshly, starting a fast, hard pace.

"Baby, say my name again," he begged.

"Nick," you moaned lowly.

"Fuck." He was fucking you like it was the last thing he was ever going to do and you'd never experienced anything like it.

You felt the coil tightening in your abdomen, and for the first time in your life, you knew you were going to cum during penetration. Your moans were loud enough to wake the neighbors, your nails dug into his muscular back, and your pussy had his cock in a vice grip.

"You gonna cum for me, (Y/N)?"

You nodded rapidly, unable to voice a response. The only thing coming out of your mouth was a string of incoherent moans and pleas.

"I wanna feel you cum, baby. Cubre mi polla." [Coat my cock.]

"Nick!" you whined.

"What do you need, querida? Tell me."

"More," you whimpered.

He slipped his hand between your bodies and began to gently massage your clit. "This what you need, baby?"

"Nick!" you screamed. "Don't stop!"

"That's it, baby. That's it. I've got you. Cum for me, querida. Ven por mí." [Come for me.]

You cried out in ecstasy as the waves of pleasure overwhelmed your senses. You clung to him desperately, as if he was a life raft while you were adrift in the ocean.

He began to chase his own high as you came down, your awareness coming back to you. His thrusts were fast and rough, his breathing ragged.

"I want you to cum for me, papi. Fill me up," you begged.

"Dios mio! You feel so good, baby. Wanna cum for you."

You clenched your pussy as tightly as you could, desperate for him to enjoy this as much as you did.

"(Y/N)!" he cried out as he came, his hot seed filling you up.

His thrusts slowed and faltered before he finally collapsed on top of you, breathless and satiated.

You held him close, running your fingers through his hair as he caught his breath. You were a little worried he would regret this now that it was over, but your fears were assuaged the moment he lifted his head to look at you.

His beautiful brown eyes were warm and loving as he gazed at you, happiness and contentment clear in his expression. "That was incredible," he murmured softly.

You blushed slightly. "You were incredible."

"As were you, querida."

He pressed his lips to yours as he pulled himself up. He rolled onto his side and pulled you with him, so your head rested against his chest.

"I'm thinking we take a power nap, then we go for round two," Nick said softly.

"Round two?!"

He grinned. "I did promise you I was gonna worship this sexy body of yours for hours."

"I didn't think you were serious, Nick," you said with a chuckle.

"Oh, baby, I'm always serious about worshipping you. I think you'll learn that very quickly."

You smiled and kissed his chest softly. You debated whether you wanted to voice the question that popped into your head, but once again, Nick beat you to it.

"You know this isn't a one time thing, right?" Nick asked gently. "I mean, unless you want it to be."

You looked up at him, expression soft and affectionate. "I was actually just going to ask you that."

He grinned. "So...you saying you might wanna see me again?"

"I see you every day, Nick," you teased.

"I mean like this, hermosa. Naked in your bed, making you scream my name, giving you as much pleasure as your pretty little body will take."

Your breath hitched in your chest, giving away just how badly you wanted that. "That too."

He chuckled and kissed the top of your head. "If I'm lucky, you'll let me take you out more too. Dinner, dancing, walks in the park, musicals...whatever you want. Wherever you go, I want to be there too."

Your eyes widened in surprise and tears filled them. You'd never had someone speak to you the way Nick did, let alone want to be with you in the way he just described.

"Querida," he whispered as he wiped your eyes. "Don't cry."

"Tears of joy," you assured him. "I promise."

His expression warmed, filling with the love and admiration he clearly felt for you. "So you'll be mine then? Exclusively?"

Your lips parted and you smiled. "I would love that."

He smiled back. "Thank god...because whether you knew it or not, I've been yours exclusively for the past year."

"What?"

He blushed slightly. "I...well I've wanted to be with you since my marriage fell apart, but I didn't want you to think you were some kind of rebound, so I kept myself professional. It's gotten harder and harder to do and then seeing you dating someone who treated you so terribly knowing full-well I would die for you made it nearly impossible."

"I didn't know," you whispered.

"I went to great lengths to make sure of that," Nick said softly. "But now that I have you? Now that I know what it's like to touch you, hold you, kiss you, make love to you? Baby, I can't walk away. You're stuck with me."

You pulled yourself up into a sitting position, straddling his strong body. You leaned down to kiss him softly, pouring all of your emotion into the kiss. "There's no one I'd rather be stuck with, Nick Amaro," you whispered against his lips.

He grinned and wrapped his arms around you, kissing you with as much passion as he could muster. He was determined to spend every minute of the rest of his life making sure you knew how incredible you were, how much he appreciated you, and how madly in love with you he would always be.

[teaandspite]

The Great Goodreads Diss List (Part 2)

[part 1]

[part 3]

"I've read a few books where the authors should have quit while they were ahead. Occasionally that spot is after they've written down the title."

"As boring as watching my grandma knit"

"if I hear the word 'countless' used to describe what we were repeatedly told were exactly one million ships ever again, I think I'll find something to throw myself off."

"The only crime in this novel worth investigating is the one the author has committed against the English language."

"The breasts of every woman that appeared in this book were described."

"The best thing I can say about this book is that it's diverting. The worst thing I can say is not printable."

"This book could have been an email."

"Someone take the damned thesaurus away from [author]."

"This book is so bad that I literally joined Goodreads just so I could vent about it."

"Why does everybody keep falling for him? He has the emotional range of a potholder."

"as if a spavined mule was trying to do the tango to the music of Iron Maiden."

"too much wrapping and not enough content."

"Can I get a horror comic with real monsters and not a metaphorical one please."

"OH MY GOD WHEN WILL SOMEONE GET MURDERED ALREADY?"

"I did not read this I’m just a hater." 

"Sometimes, if it takes you 10 years to write a book, you just shouldn't." 

"I'd recommend vcr manuals over this."

"She actually wrote 'molten gaze'! Ack!"

"Those poor, tortured metaphors."

"This book only gets a star because the fact that I like words coincides with the fact that it contained words."

"I will proceed to chronicle my transition from literature enthusiast to broken shell of a woman"

"A shortbread tin Brigadoon piece of nonsense"

"It pains me to write this review, almost as much as it pained me to finish this book."

"'Empurpled' is a word that should never be used to describe genitalia. It should, however, be used to describe your prose."

"Well I mean, at least I'll have a new joke to tell my therapist this week."

[frankiebirds]

i need to talk about the goalpost scene or i'll explode. tw for the sexual assault of a minor, because. that is what reid is describing here, honestly:

i tried to gif it but the scene is quite long (especially because reid is constantly pausing to compose himself :(( ) and i realised while doing it that it's hard to gif a monologue, so instead here it is in text.

REID: I was in the library and, um... Harper Hillman comes up to me, and she tells me that, uh... Alexa Lisbon wants to meet me behind the field house. Alexa Lisbon's like, easily, the prettiest girl in school. MORGAN: So what happened? Alexa wasn't there? REID: No, she was there. So was the entire football team. They... stripped me naked and tied me to a goalpost. So many kids were there, you know, just watching. MORGAN: Nobody tried to stop it? REID: I begged... I begged them to, but they just... just watched. And... finally, they got bored and they left. It was like midnight when I finally got home. And my mom had... mom was having one of her episodes, so she didn't even realize I was late. MORGAN: You never told her what happened? REID: I never told anybody. I thought... it was one of those things that I thought if I didn't talk about it, I'd just forget. But I remember it like it was yesterday. MORGAN: Oh, Reid, you don't need an eidetic memory for that. You know, we forget half of what they teach us in school, but when it comes to the torment and the people who inflicted it, we've all got an elephant's memory.

i think about this a lot and honestly it makes me feel ill. because correct me if i'm wrong, but this is sexual assault, no? like yes reid is relating to owen as someone who was also severely bullied but he's also relating to owen as someone whose bullies committed a sex crime against them

something that i think gets missed a lot—reid was at the very oldest, twelve. again, correct me if i'm wrong, but football teams are big, right? reid even says "so many kids were there". just an unnecessary amount of people to restrain a pre-teen and a horrifying amount of people capable of standing there and watching. that is some stephen king level bullying honestly. not that ""normal"" bullying would be okay, of course, but just. jesus.

the implied length of the ordeal hurts too. a few things:

"they got bored and they left" to me implies that they left without untying him. had they done so, it would have made more sense to say "they got bored and they let me go." the phrasing reid uses implies they left him there and he had to get himself free. how long would that have taken?

reid also uses the word "finally" which. yeah. you know what the word finally means

the part that hurts the most is where reid says "[my mother] didn't even realize I was late." late. not gone. as in reid didn't go home inbetween speaking to harper and going behind the field house. this wasn't a "hey alexa wants to meet you behind the field house. nine pm" and the whole ordeal is "only" three hours. at best, it was right after school let out. at worst, he left the library and went straight there. so, at best, we're looking at...what, eight hours between going behind the field house and getting home?

this all happens in nevada. specifically vegas, which, from my understanding, is surrounded by desert. if it's winter/fall, the sun goes down relatively quickly and reid spends several hours freezing (i think? wikipedia says nighttime winter temps in vegas average at 4.4C/39.2F. is that cold in that region? canadian, sorry). if it's spring/summer, the sun takes a longer time to go down and reid spends several hours in the heat. ive usually headcanoned the second but the first is equally painful. but anyway, point is: take your pick. preteen reid gets either hypothermia or heatstroke. (also part of the reason i hc it was spring or summer is because i headcanon the goal post, which would have gotten very hot in the sun, scarred him. sorry to anyone whose day i just ruined <3)

sidenote: im always a little surprised by how calmly morgan reacts in this scene. not that he has a bad reaction, or isn't visibly troubled, but given how protective of reid he is normally...the first time i watched this scene i expected him to pull out a pen and paper and ask for names. so im headcanoning that the reason he's so calm in this scene isn't because he is calm, but because he's a good friend who knows that that isn't a productive response at the moment. and then he goes back to the bau and has garcia hunt them down (without telling her why) and uh. i dont know. maybe she destroys their credit scores or something.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

do you have any opinions on the hazbin critical and vivziepop critical tags?

tw // mentions of sexual abuse and sucide

I have a personal beef with them. And not because I love Hazbin and Vivzie so much but for more presonal reasons so the following opinion won't be measured at all.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are some legit criticisms out there. Like, the show could definitely do better with body diversity and giving us more varied sapphic relationships instead of just throwing a ton of male/male couples at us. And, yeah, Vivzie's response to some of the criticism has been... questionable. (I still cringe when I think about that one time she explained that Raphielle can ship ValAngel because they are sa survivor, but Raphielle explicitly admitted to not be one).

But then, there's stuff that's just... pulled out of nowhere. Like the whole thing about Valentino being a "fetish character." Come on, the world of villains is filled with queer, flamboyant baddies. What sets Valentino apart is how his abusive behavior is shown in the open, making us rethink our love for villains. If it weren't for Mascarade, people would worship this moth daddy gangster in a dress, much like they are with Vox now. It's hard to root for the bad guy when you see the fallout of their actions. Like, Loki committed war crimes and no one was outraged when he got his own TV series and dragged creators for supporting atrocities.

Constant Valentino/Angel Dust discourse actually leads to the more serious issues I have with this "community", more harmful than just "bad media literacy" like the way they handle the topic of sexual abuse and weaponize it, without ever listening to victims. There is this constant shitstorm about Angel being a "bad sa survivor rep," that the way he's written is insensitive because "he shouldn't be horny, he's sexually traumatized." Like, do these people not understand that making Angel unable to enjoy his sexuality the way he wants would essentially mean acknowledging that it's no longer his but belongs to his abuser now? Also, the argument I keep seeing that drives me BAT SHIT CRAZY aka "I can enjoy this media that is centered around murderer, you cannot enjoy the media that treats rapist as a nuanced character because rape is objectively worse than murder." WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU THAT? Reading this makes me feel so angry and sad and guilty because frankly, I was raped, and of course, it was horrible but still I'd choose it any time over being murdered. Because I have my life, I'm loved, and I love, I pursue my dreams, and I can still experience so many good things in my life. Painting sexual assault as this worse-than-death experience is not the feminist take they think it is and does not do victims any good.

Or accusations that Vivzie's support of fandom bullying led to someone taking their life. It's such a ridiculous and harmful claim. Honestly, this thing always makes me heated because suicide is not an easy decision, ask any person who ever faced it. It's not like "ah, this stranger told me to kms, I guess I gotta do it now." Of course, any kind of bullying and abuse adds to the suffering and can be the final trigger, but to me, it's just so disrespectful and harmful that someone could have experienced prolonged, intense suffering and all of this is omitted, their death labeled as a result of "fandom bullying" and weaponized in fandom drama. Also, it's simply cruel to put the blame for it on one, uninvolved person.

Also, it always annoys me when people hold small creators to immensely high standards while not doing the same with others. If we keep lynching and canceling every media that is not objectively morally pure, we won't be left with only perfect media. We will be left with media produced by white, privileged billionaires who might be real-life rapists, abusers, and thieves but are too powerful to be taken down by social media outrage. Hazbin's success is a major W for the underappreciated medium of animation (we saw what WB did to 90% of their animated shows), unpopular genres like musicals (Wonka creators were literally too ashamed to market it as one??), and unapologetic queer narratives that are not written for a heteronormative audience or centered around queer oppression (ofmd, the other medium I can think of in that realm has just been canceled). I can't stand people so desperate to put it down driven by their black-or-white sense of morality. Kant won't be patting your back for being the Moraliest Person because you bullied an indie creator and her fans.

Also everyone who feels the need to explain me hazbin critical agenda - save your breath. I'm very emotional about it and I frankly don't fucking care why you think you are right.

[unabashednightmarepizza]

𝑆ℎ𝑎𝑑𝑜𝑤 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝐵𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝐶ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑙𝑒𝑠, 𝑃𝑎𝑟𝑡 7

Tagging: @bloody-mf-bsc, @augustwithquills

Liked by benbarnes, freddycarter1, sujaya_dasgupta and 6,348,672 others

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Wonder where they had gotten these... weirdness?👀

P.S: Continue to laugh. For now. Because one, I'm working my ass off here as you all have fun and two, I'm gonna be feasting on your tears later.😌

View 762,563 comments

freddycarter1: benbarnes, will you please tell your wife to cool down?😰😧

User6: NOOOO, MOMMY Y/N DON'T DO THAT TO US

User7: They were just in a silly mood, they didn't mean it right?!

user4: Ever since that interview with "Never Have I Ever", she is giving them absolute hell and bitch behaviour except Ben( he barelly saved his ass) lol djdbjc

user9: I missed that one! Why, what happened? user2: They answered "Never Have I stolen anything from the set?" which they all replied with yes and were cocky about it. Y/N then answered that it wasn't because of them being discreet and stealthy but because she let it happen, and she told them she knew everything they have ever stolen. user7: Didn't that put her in a rough situation tho? user2: Nah, she just flipped her hair and dramatically said "I'm rich, I payed for them." dındekjn user12: I wonder how Ben, who is usually the one being bullied by her, was able to save himself? user4: Simple. When he was asked what else he "stole" without her knowing, he answered with a puppy eye "Y/N." and that was how he saved himself from the couch.

User7: Smooth... Very smooth benbarnes😏 Still, we were there before you tho😒😐

User5: It's just the way they are mommy, look, we are your precious babies right? Please don't make us cry.

User2: putting the people begging Y/N to spare their fragile mental health, I'd like to say how Callahan looks like a God but is a cutie pie in Real life... please step on me.

jacktwolfe: Danielle the Axelotl and Freddy... I don't know what Freddy is

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Me too boy, me too... I don't want to know how he did that with his mouth

freddycarter1: I have many talents Y/N, not that you know 😎

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: 🫥😶😐😒🤨 Say that to your wife 🍹👎

kittheyounger: 😧😱😨

User9: Ben is such a mood. My life would be in chaos, and the life around me could also be chaotic but as long as I have my tequila and whisky, we are all fine.

User6: Freddy is their New victim lol Love you all💓

User1: I think Danielle is becoming an eagle...

Liked by benbarnes, pascalispunk, tchalamet and 6,921,311 others

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: This man is a lot of things. Husband, father, son, friend... Occasionally cool, but never for too long. He told me to take a photo of him to show how cool he is to our son but instead he giggled at his silly father in his own Darkling costume...🥹💓

View 572,436 comments

user8: With every picture she posts, I gain one year in life. With every photo shadowandbone posts of her, I gain 10 lives.

User2: So precious ❤️

User1: Piercing and charming brown eyes on a man is the sluttiest thing ever.

User5: Y/N, will you ever talk about that first "Lego Date" you and him had that you two became official?

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Maybe in my YouTube channel, if people really want to know, with Ben's permission ofc, I don't see why not? 😊

User3: Y/N the Concent Queen 🙏

User2: Guys, let's not traumatise Ben again with our thirsty comments about him being a real dilf🤣

User13: Darkling: evil incarnate with every possible War crime, perhaps a groomer, manipulative bastard who is obssessed over power... Meanwhile Ben: Babygirlified 42 years old man who simps for his wife and would commit war crimes FOR her and their son and is "the twit with the portrait"

User5: nOoo you didn't just bring Dorian into this djskdjjs

User13: Someone had to

User6: May the lord save us, how were you able to shoot those photos with him so close to you Y/N?

User12: I'd have folded easily

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: A little bit of heart attack, swooning for my husband and then definetly folding, everything was fine. It's easy really 🙃😊

benbarnes: Stop saying those things just like that 😊☺️🤭

User14: Ben is melting hard~😏😋

User15: If this doesn't end up with her pregnant again, I don't know what will. Maybe a girl comes this time sjsjsj

User15: Okay, guessing the little Barnes looks like the exact copy of his dad, the kid will have immaculate looks coming from both his dad and momma. LOOK HOW GORGEOUS THEY ARE?!🥹 *crying intensifies ehiel holding the family picture of them in my hands delicately*

pascalispunk: Want to see my little champ and his reaction as well!

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Just sent you the video!

User7: Ben lost to little Barnes today, the baby ADORES his momma🥹

amita_suman: He looses every time anyways🍷😎

User6: Y/N is winning in everything she does, this is her Barbie world💯

benbarnes: My little girl will definetly think of me cool, just so you wait for a few years,love.🙃😤

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: And what makes you say we are having a girl in the future?? Maybe it will be another boy who adores me???

Liked by freddycarter1, calahan.skogman, emilia_clarke, emmaroberts and 6,893,561 others

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Another day, another chaotic moment!

1.The fuck hoe? Leave my precious camera alone, do you know how expensive is that? I can give you a toy one, just please go and threaten someone with that cane of yours.

2. I'd like to say, seeing a huge man absolutely melt at the sight of these cuties were pretty funny! Don't worry though, we adopted them!

View 652,412 comments

User2: Freddy, Y/N already pays for enough, please stay away from the cameras. Those shits are expensive as fuck!

User9: Have a lovely day you two!

User12: Guys, I just came back from her YT video, and the fact that Y/N fucking Y/L/N-Barnes literally went and visited every single one of the cast members, who are already the biggest simp possible for her and almost fainted when they saw her before their door, to thank them personally for how FUCKING amazing they are and how much of a GOD TIER acting they did is just... Ma'am you shouldn't be THAT FUCKING AWESOME❤️💓

User2: she brought gifts for them too! But her explanation is way funny: I brought something edible to all of them because come on, what am I gonna do with flowers? Eat them like a cow? 😒😉😋😁( her face expressions btw)

User5: and with the straightest face possible to mankind djskdjjeks

User4: Thinking about the fact that we're living at the same time as Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes, Ben Barnes, Amita Suman, Jessie Mei Li, Kit Young, Freddy Carter, Patrick Gibson, Archie Renaux, Daisy Head, Danielle Gallighan, Calahan Skogman, Jack Wolfe and everyone else in the cast is... What a fucking Era to live Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes liked

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Okay first of all, I'm impressed by your sheer dedication of writing every single name... And thank you for being so sweet, we are lucky to have fans like you as well! ❤️

User12: Y/N, the mother of us all, the best decision you had ever made was choosing Freddy Carter as Kaz FUCKING Brekker and Ben as Darkling beyond doubt... We can't thank you enough 🙌🫶

User3: Emma Roberts liked her post... Does that mean the new project is AHS? 👀

User14: That would literally top her(near) every project

User15: Someone please include her in a new emoji game, thirst trap video, interview whatever! I NEED MOMMY Y/N AND HER REACTIONS ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM

user6: Unrelated but I want to know what was the hardest scene to film for her?

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: Anything with that damn goat. It kept either distracting us, or head butted someone. Mostly Kit tho

Liked by benbarnes, freddycarter1, archierenaux3 and 5,978,352 others

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: To anyone who calls this cast "A happy and cute family"... I'd like to point out that these six are the worst of them, including yes my own husband.

1. Those little shits after Archie pointed out me tripping on my own feet and my husband daring to laugh( I feel pretty betrayed because why are you cackling amita_suman and jessie_mei_li?)

2. Them, finally able to take a serious photo because damn it, I need to have a decent photo to give to the press! Poor photographers were begging me to keep them serious long enough 🤣��

View 621,541 comments

User5: We are now at a time when all the women like Y/N had been at least once in their lives...

User8: Wanting to have some appreciation because everyone has been doing exactly the opposire even if we women work hard ASF and even harder than most people?🤨

User5: That too, but no. Homicide. And murder. 😈👹😊

User7: These people + Y/N could break me in half and I'd say thank you mommy/daddy

User5: their laughs are so precious... even if It's at poor Y/N 😁

blakelively: Your husband is there and you are feeling betrayed because of the girls laughing?

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: I'm used to him making fun of me since... I'm the weird one in this marriage lol But not Amita and Jessie, we are weird together, why did you laugh at me? 😭🥲

User3: Is that the way we treat her? Is this what her children(us) and little Barnes wants?🤨

Y/N Y/L/N-Barnes: I agree luvie... I was thinking about giving him the couch punishment while my boy sleeps with me.

User2: Mommy Y/N please stoo working too much! Your health matter more and you should spend time with your family and friends!

User13: Y/N, we are grateful you taught Ben the Emoji Language really. Thanks to you, he finally understands the young fans like us and win games 🙃

[gurugirl]

The Con Artist | Part 4*

Summary: You're still stuck at the motel but things are getting very spicy between you and the detective. Maybe some feelings pop up.

A/n: detective!harry x criminal!reader I don't know if I'd call this a filler chapter but it's mostly just smut - however, some important things come up that are vital to moving their story along, I just didn't realize before writing it that it would take so many words to do it (I had planned this chapter differently than it came out, which was originally going to combine parts of what's coming in the next chapter, but this is the result and I hope you guys like it, sorry for the stall). This is part 4 of a series. The Con Artist Masterlist

13.3k words

Warning: Smut, some spanking (what? she's been naughty), unprotected sex (oops), the very tiniest bit of angst, admissions of things

◈ ◈ ◈

Harry kept his arms around you and his face in your neck for a bit as his breathing slowed and your body began to settle. It felt intimate. But Harry was trying to think of what he should do now that he’d just had sex with you. It had never been a good idea but he couldn’t help himself. And now that he’d had you, he didn’t feel as much regret as he thought he would, even with his mind starting to clear of the fog of lust. With your hands gently rubbing over his back he felt content and happy. Sometimes post-nut clarity came in hard but this time, it just felt natural.

But you were still wondering what was coming. The sex had been great and Harry was something else. He had you confused but in any other circumstance, he’d be a man you’d want to keep around. Someone to pursue something with. But that wasn’t what this was. It had only been sex because he was on the job and you were the criminal in his custody.

When Harry finally pushed himself up he looked down at you under him with a smile, “Stay here.”

He was quick to run to the bathroom and bring back a washcloth. He’d removed his condom already you noted as he climbed back toward you on the bed, “Uh… do you want me to, or…?” Harry wasn’t sure you wanted him to clean you up. He was about to. He was going to do it for you, wipe you up because he wanted to keep looking at you but then he realized perhaps you didn’t want that. Maybe it was weird. Maybe you didn’t want him touching you after everything.

You sat up and took the damp cloth, “It’s fine. I’ll do it. Thanks, Harry,” you said as you slid off the bed with the washcloth and headed to the bathroom. You stood for a moment in silence looking at yourself in the mirror and it was awkward suddenly. It felt strange. He was so good in bed and then after he was so sweet and it was pretty much like anything you’d ever imagined as how you’d want sex to go down with any man. But now what? He was still the cop on the case supposedly. But wouldn’t this be a conflict of interest? You really didn’t know how it worked but your gut told you Harry wasn’t going by the book here (not even counting the fact that he’d just had his penis inside of you).

After you took care of yourself you went back into the room and Harry had his sweatpants on. He was standing by the window. You could see that he was feeling the awkwardness too. It made you sad a little. You wished that it wasn’t this way but sex made things awkward sometimes. Especially in this case. Especially when the man you just let fuck you was supposed to be holding you for crimes you’d committed.

You slid your shorts on and found your t-shirt and pulled it over your head. You noticed that Harry had been watching you but he turned away just before you could plant your eyes on him to verify with certainty.

You sat on the bed and looked at your nails. You painted them before you went to the Warwick and they still looked pretty good. A couple of small chips.

“So… are you hungry? You haven’t eaten anything today,” Harry finally spoke. You turned and he was standing on the opposite side of the bed looking at you. He still hadn’t put a shirt on and that was quite distracting. You’d just had two orgasms but the man was beautiful.

“Yeah. I am actually,” you gave him a small smile.

Harry nodded and looked around the room and you saw him duck down and pick up his t-shirt, finally covering his supple, broad, inked chest. You still hadn’t had the chance to suck on his nipples. Maybe give them a bite. You shook the thought from your head.

“All right. Then let’s walk up the road and see what we can find at that convenience store. Should be maybe a twenty-minute walk from here.”

It was a 45-minute walk.

And when you got there you realized the only kind of food available was packaged sweets and salty crackers and chips. Junk food. Which was better than nothing. You were quite hungry.

“Sorry, Y/n,” Harry spoke when he realized the food options were trash. You picked a few things you knew you could stomach and Harry did the same, grabbing everything from your arms that you picked up and dumping them onto the counter to buy.

Harry handed you a bag of gummy bears and he picked a bag of salty potato chips as you both trucked it on the road back to the motel with the plastic bag of the other junky foods in tow. There was no sidewalk so you walked through the gravel on the shoulder of the road the whole way but the gummy bears were tasty. Harry shared his chips with you and so you shared your gummy bears with him.

“My favorite is Haribo. These kind of suck,” Harry said as he lodged three in his mouth at once.

You laugh, “I agree actually. Haribo sort of has the corner on the gummy bear market. But have you ever tried the strawberry gummies? The ones shaped like a strawberry? They’re like this size,” you held your fingers up and demonstrated the size as you looked toward Harry.

He shook his head, “No. Haven’t. I love strawberries, though. Sounds good. Haven’t ever seen anything like that before,” Harry shoveled a handful of chips into his mouth and crunched them.

The sun was beginning to set in the sky as you neared the Arbuckle Inn. The pineapple gummy bear in your mouth was melting a little and you felt your nerves start to take over a bit. You didn’t know what to expect. But you liked that kind of. The thrill of not knowing how shit was going to go down made you feel alive. It’s why you liked what you did for a living. You never knew what you’d encounter. Nothing was dull in life and that’s how you liked it.

“Uh, how are you feeling?” Harry asked as your foot hit Arbuckle Inn’s parking lot.

He wasn’t sure where you were in your head. You seemed okay. He wanted you to be okay. He was stressed though because he had definitely blown everything. He had nothing. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to turn you in even if he did find evidence of your wrongdoings. His boss was onto him as well. She’d been calling all morning and Harry had been avoiding the calls.

“I’m better now that I’ve got something in my stomach,” you followed behind Harry as he unlocked the door to your room.

The air conditioner was rattling and working as hard as it could but you could tell it was on its last leg. The room was only slightly cooler than it was outside. But now that the sun was going down, things would cool down fast.

You and Harry laid out the junk food on the bed and snacked and watched some judge show. He told you how he came to live in the US and become a cop. His jurisdiction was in Los Angeles but he lived South of Long Beach. In your case, he was cross commissioned to work as lead detective on the case.

“So, the room at the Ritz was just for show. You didn’t really need a room,” you said. You were sitting on one side of the bed with your legs crossed facing toward Harry.

“Sort of. My house is a bit far from central LA so the hotel room was necessary to some degree. I could have driven back and forth every day but it would have been harder to keep my site on you that way,” Harry decided it didn’t matter what details he spilled to you anymore. He would be moved off the case. He was certain of it. Probably demoted. Moved to a different jurisdiction completely.

Harry’s phone began to buzz with an incoming call. You looked toward it and the name on the screen Rebecca V piqued your interest. Harry clicked the dismiss button and then flipped the phone screen to face down. He continued to snack and act like the call hadn’t happened. You didn’t ask him about it because it wasn’t your business.

You and Harry cleared the bed of the snacks and put them away into the plastic bag you got from the store. Conversation was limited once you both had your bellies full of junk. You wanted to ask him a million questions but you didn’t know where to start or how to bring them up. Did you just straight up ask him what was going on again? Would he be forthright with you this time? Would he still attempt to get a confession from you?

When you stepped out of the bathroom after brushing your teeth, Harry was taking the pillows from his side of the bed and putting them on the floor.

“What are you doing?” You leaned over to see blankets and a pillow on the floor. He was clearly making himself a pallet to sleep.

“I figured I’d sleep on the floor to give you some space…” Harry looked up at you from his spot on the floor where he was kneeling, “… didn’t want it to be weird or anything, or make you feel uncomfortable.”

For some reason, this pissed you off. You’d just had his penis in your mouth and in your vagina and now he was trying to make you feel comfortable by not sleeping next to you? You understood it was just sex, sure. But you sort of hoped he’d want to do it again. And this just felt like an excuse on his part. You were probably overthinking it but it hurt your feelings a little.

“Don’t pretend you’re trying to make me feel comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable just say it. You’re not looking for anything more, I get it, Harry. But god…” you turned away and walked back toward your side of the room where your bag was to put your toothbrush away.

“Hey,” Harry stood up and faced you from his side of the room, “I’m just trying to be nice here. Didn’t think you’d want me next to you in the bed.”

You sighed and rolled your eyes before turning around to look at Harry, “Don’t put this on me. I didn’t ask you to sleep on the floor. We just had sex, Harry. The fact that you don’t want to sleep next to me on the bed is a bit of an insult along with your cop-out of an excuse. It’s fine to sleep on the floor if that’s what you want but don’t act like it’s for my benefit.”

Harry was confused. He really was trying to be respectful of you and he hadn’t realized this would get you upset. He scratched the back of his neck and shook his head in puzzlement.

Then his phone rang again. Harry lifted it up and looked to see it was his boss, Rebecca, again. He hit the dismiss button and sat the phone back down and sighed.

“Rebecca again?” You looked at Harry as you sat down on the bed with your arms crossed. He probably had a girlfriend or something.

Harry laughed and shook his head as he lifted a bottle of water to his lips. He didn’t want to answer that. He didn’t have a girlfriend but he wasn’t ready to admit that his boss was on to him and that what he was doing was all for nothing. He knew he needed to. He should tell you that you were free to go. He wasn’t sure why he was even keeping you anymore.

Instead of answering your question, Harry continued to make his floor pallet and you were fuming.

“So that’s why you want to sleep on the floor. You feel bad for cheating on your girlfriend with me. Is that it? Typical,” you huffed as you moved the blankets over your legs and stretched. The whole thing hurt your feelings but you weren’t surprised. Now you were back to being angry at him and just wanted this day to be over.

You settled into the bed and laid your head on your pillow and faced away from Harry.

Harry didn’t want you mad at him. But it didn’t matter. It was probably better this way. But why was it better? It wasn’t like he had anything to go on and what he was doing was insane. Holding you and hoping for some break in the case? The moment he told his boss about what happened and explained everything he knew he’d be removed from the case. Then he might not see you again. Perhaps that was where his hesitance lay. The thought that after this, that would be it. He wouldn’t see you again. His inner turmoil was heavy. He didn’t know what he wanted. In another world, he’d be all over you and try to get on your good side. He’d want to see you as often as you’d let him and he’d take you out and get to know more of you and then maybe even start something serious with you. But in this world, he was a cop and you were a criminal.

Harry walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. The flickering light was annoying and he felt exhausted. He really hadn’t had the best sleep the night before, if any. And then of course he was more confused than he’d ever been. About you. About the case. You were still lying on your side on the bed when he came out of the bathroom and he looked over your face smushed into the pillow. You weren’t sleeping but your eyes were closed.

Harry lifted his phone up and saw all the missed calls from Rebecca and he didn’t know if he should just get it over with. Call her back and tell her everything. Maybe tomorrow. He looked over at you again, “I don’t have a girlfriend, Y/n.”

You opened your eyes and stayed silent. You imagined that if Rebecca wasn’t his girlfriend then she was probably some chick he hooked up with who had his number or something. There was just no way Harry wasn’t getting it regularly. Or maybe she was his friend? You knew his sister’s name because he’d told you.

You heard Harry sigh and then felt the bed dip when he sat down but you didn’t bother to move to look at him or rollover.

“I wouldn’t have done anything if I had a girlfriend. I just… Look, sleeping on the floor was just meant to be polite, nothing else. I didn’t want to cross any more boundaries than I’ve already crossed with you,” Harry paused, and when you still didn’t move to look at him he put his hand on your arm to get your attention. You didn’t move when you felt him touch you.

“Would you look at me? Come on. I’m trying to be a nice guy here, Y/n.”

That got you to laugh. How ridiculous was he? A nice guy. Harry’d been nice, sure, but most of all he was confusing and infuriating.

You finally rolled to your back and turned your head toward him. Harry removed his hand from your arm.

“It feels very much like a power play, Harry. You fuck me but you don’t want to sleep next to me. At least having a girlfriend would explain it, but you say you don’t have a girlfriend. So then we’re back to it being a bit of an insult. So, it’s not actually a nice thing. If you don’t want to be next to me even after we had sex, that’s fine. But don’t pretend it’s not insulting to me,” you sit up so you can see his face better.

Harry frowned and looked down to his lap, “Sorry. I didn’t know,” he looked back up at you, “Did you want me to sleep next to you?”

You laughed again and rubbed your hands over your face and then ran your fingers through your hair in frustration, “Ya know what, Harry? Don’t worry about it. Just do what think is good for you. You’re taking me to jail anyway, right? So you sleeping next to me just complicates things. Now that you’ve had sex with me that’s all you need. I’m good with that if you are.”

You began to lay back down but Harry grabbed your arm, “Don’t do that. We were getting along finally. Don’t get all pissy. I’m trying to talk about this. Do you want me to sleep here next to you? Is that what you were expecting?”

You let out a laugh in disbelief as you shook your head. This man was crazy if he thought he was going to get you to spill your inner thoughts.

You didn’t answer as you tried to pull your arm away from him but Harry leaned in and tightened his hand around your arm, “Why are you so difficult? You’re like a child sometimes, Y/n.”

You dropped your mouth open in shock at his words. A child?

“Fuck you, Harry. You’re just really good at making a girl feel like shit. That’s all. Let me go,” you pulled your arm and Harry released you but he stayed in his spot, his face in a frown, brows scrunched.

“No. Fuck you. I’m tired of your mouth, you know that? I try to be nice and do the right thing but you give me these cryptic questions and answers. It’s bullshit. If you want something all you have to do is say it.”

You leaned your head back to the headboard and looked upward with a grin, “Oh, you’re tired of my mouth? Really? You seemed to like my mouth not that long ago and I think that’s where the problem lies,” you turned to look at him, “You feel like sex is okay but when it comes to sleeping next to me, that’s where you draw the line? What’s going on here, Harry? Really. Tell me the truth.”

Harry pulled his lips into his mouth and squinted as he looked at you. He wasn’t going to tell you just yet. But he did understand your upset a little better now.

“Okay. I see… so you felt used? Is that it? Look, Y/n… I don’t know what you want from this. I’m a cop,”

You scoffed and cut him off, “And I’m the criminal. I fucking know, Harry. You’re sure to remind me every fucking chance you get. So what’s the difference? You fuck me and somehow your morals kick in when it comes time to sleep? Were you planning to cuff me to the bed too so I don’t run away?”

Harry turned his head to look at the wall and shake his head before looking back at you, “What the fuck do you want, Y/n? Tell me.”

“I want you to tell me what’s going on. Is any of this allowed? Start there,” you raised your brows at him and cocked your head to the side.

Harry cleared his throat and his phone started to buzz again. You both looked over at the phone lit up on the night table and then back at one another. You kept your brows raised at him.

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head. He was in such deep shit.

“Is it Rebecca? Who is she? And I’m not asking because I’m jealous before your ego starts getting any ideas.”

Harry opened his eyes and looked at you. You were sitting upright now with your arms crossed over your chest and your thigh and knee were poking out from under the blanket. You saw how Harry moved his eyes down to your leg and over your frame.

“She’s… look, I’m trying to figure everything out here. Okay? I just need time to think,” Harry stood from the bed and you watched him turn his phone off completely. He was flustered. He walked to the window and pulled the curtain back a bit and looked out and then turned back to you. He clicked the lamp off and pulled his t-shirt off over his head and draped it on the back of the chair.

“Nuh uh…” you pointed at him and stood from the bed, putting your feet on the carpet floor, “Nope. You put your clothes back on. You can’t just fucking walk around here with your shirt off. That’s not fair.”

Harry scoffed and got down onto his knees on the pallet he made, ignoring you. You put your hands on your hips and walked to the end of the bed and watched him.

“Put your shirt on Harry or my clothes are all coming off because I normally sleep naked. So if you get to be comfortable while you sleep, then so do I,” you didn’t move from your spot as you watched Harry ignore you and pull the sheet over his body. So you put your fingers into the band of your shorts and began pulling them down your legs.

Harry wasn’t going to look. He thought you were bluffing at first but then when he saw you moving from his peripheral he realized you weren’t bluffing. You’d slid your shorts down your legs and he knew you didn’t have panties on because he watched you put your shorts on earlier after you two had sex.

Harry huffed out a laugh and sat up, “Fine. I usually sleep naked too,” he pulled his sweatpants down his legs and acted as if he wasn’t bothered in the least by your bare legs and the fact that you only had a t-shirt on with nothing under it. But he was bothered. His thoughts were racing. He felt his heart rate pick up and he tried to ignore how his cock started to plump, but he covered himself in time. Still not looking at you.

“Okay. Have it your way,” you said as you pulled your t-shirt off over your head and walked right in front of him, dropping the material on the floor. He wasn’t looking at you, and you knew it was on purpose. You knew if he looked it’d be game over for him. You were holding all the cards and he thought he could call your bluff but you weren’t shy and plus he’d seen you naked already. You kind of hoped he’d look at you and eat his words and you’d just saunter off to the bed and fall asleep happily.

You grabbed your water bottle off the nightstand right behind Harry and leaned over, purposely keeping yourself in his view. You uncapped the top of the bottle and took a drink and then sat it back down on the table and turned to walk toward the bed.

Harry couldn’t help himself. He watched you walk off and saw the curve of your bottom and then closed his eyes. You were baiting him. He laid back on his pallet and looked up at the ceiling. His cock was slowly thickening under the blanket and he was trying to will it away. Deep breaths Harry he said to himself.

But you were fine. You hummed and climbed into the sheets and pulled the blankets up over yourself and smiled. You knew what you were doing, and even if nothing came from it you still found it amusing. Harry didn’t seem to care but he was a man. You knew he was bothered by it because he wouldn’t even look in your direction.

“So much better now that I’m all bare under the sheets. Thanks for the idea, Harry,” you spoke as you stretched and rolled to face toward the direction where Harry was lying, even though you couldn’t see him on his pallet.

He grunted and you could hear him shift on his pallet. Harry was just trying to keep himself in line. His cock had a mind of its own at that moment. He pressed himself down and sighed as he closed his eyes. He’d just try to sleep and get through the night.

But after moments of silence, he heard you getting up. The bed squeaked when you got off it and he slowly lifted his head to see what you were doing. He hadn’t cuffed you to the bed this time. He figured you weren’t going to run, but he was also sleeping on the side close to the door so he’d see you if you tried to escape.

Suddenly you were walking around the bed and grabbing your bottle of water. You stood a foot from him and took a drink and then recapped it before placing it back on the table.

“Why don’t you bring it with you and put it on the nightstand? So you don’t need to keep getting up,” Harry spoke to you.

You smiled and began to walk away again but stopped so he could still see you, “Because it’s more fun this way.”

Harry sat up and even in the dark he could see your shape. Your breasts were pretty and round, your hips were perfect for grabbing and squeezing, and your bottom was soft. He wanted to touch you again.

But you wanted him to touch you. You were asking for it, practically. You wanted him in the bed with you at the very least. You couldn’t really make out his frame because he was in the shadow next to the bed but you could tell he was looking at you now. He was sitting up. His broad shoulders and the shape of his head were in the shadow but he was still handsome.

“What? Do I have something on my back?” You said in jest as you turned your bottom toward him and looked behind yourself and then back to Harry.

Harry let out a deep breath and moved up to his knees, but he held his blanket over his crotch you noted, which made you smile. You turned back to face him again, “Got something you need to hide there?” You teased.

Harry was at his wit's end. He knew what you were doing and he was going to go with it now. He had no reason not to anymore. Damn protocol. When you saw his large hand reach up and grab your thigh, he pulled you toward himself. As you were standing directly in front of him you smiled and felt your limbs zip with excitement. He was giving in.

He took a hold of your hips and stood up, his blanket falling to the floor and revealing what he tried to hide. He was hard. You’d gotten a rise out of him. Literally.

But in less than a second your back hit the bed and Harry was over you with his mouth at yours again. And just like the time before, the kiss had you on another planet. You grasped onto his back and opened your legs quickly for him to settle in between.

Harry brought a hand to your thigh and moved your leg to wrap around his waist and you moved your other leg up to match, so you had both your legs hooked at the ankle around his hips.

Harry’s heavy dick was lying over your stomach, warm and stiff. This was what you wanted. To have him again. To feel it again.

But Harry wanted it too. It wasn’t like he’d been talked into this or you made him cave. He wanted you under him, on him, around him.

Harry put his hands under your head as he slotted your lips together and breathed heavily from his nose. You felt so good in his arms. He liked this a lot. Too much.

You suddenly pushed at Harry and he gasped when he parted his lips from yours, “What is it?”

You sat up, and Harry moved back, keeping his hands on your thighs. You pushed him and made him lie on his back and you crawled over him, placing your pussy on his cock, your lips spreading for him as you slid up his shaft, “See how wet you make me, Harry? It needs to be taken care of,” you whispered before leaning down to kiss him. You kept your pussy on his prick, slipping yourself over him as he put his hands on your bottom and guided you up and down. His breathing was heavy, and the small moans falling from his lips made you smile.

“That’s why you wanted me on the bed with you,” Harry spoke against your lips, “you wanted my cock again. Isn’t that right?”

You moaned and nodded as you licked into his mouth, “Yes, Harry. Who cares? Right? It’s too late anyway. We’ve already fucked. Let’s do it again,” you spoke in breaths between kisses.

You weren’t really one to beg. And that wasn’t actually you begging. But you were horny and Harry was really good in bed. And you wanted his prick inside of you again, stretching you, poking deep into your tummy, slicking itself through your walls, and dragging against all the good spots inside that no other cock had ever touched.

Harry groaned and squeezed your bottom harshly, “Okay. You win. Fuck I want you,” Harry pulled you down to his mouth so he could kiss you again. You were both far too gone at this point. The sex was good and that’s all there was to it.

“Where are your condoms?” You sat up over him and smoothed your hands over his pecs and then dipped down and finally wrapped your lips around a nipple. You licked and sucked at it. He smelled good too and you could feel his heart pounding under your mouth. Harry moaned and rocked his hips upward, “In the nightstand,” he put an arm out and his knuckle hit the wood nightstand. You lifted up and crawled over him to open the drawer and felt for the box to pull it out.

Harry pulled you down over his mouth, his lips connecting to your tummy as you pulled a condom out of the box and then pushed away from his mouth, lowering yourself back down to put the condom over him.

Harry sat up and watched as you removed the rubber from the packaging and placed it over his tip. You slowly rolled it down over him and smiled, “Your cock is really pretty, Harry.”

Harry chuckled and grabbed your hips to bring you up to him, “Then put that pretty pussy on my pretty cock, Y/n. Stop playing.”

So you did. You placed him at your entrance and as you slid down over him you both moaned. Perfection.

You moved up and down over him slowly. This position made him feel so much deeper and you sucked in a sharp breath when the bottom of your thighs were sat over his fully, his cock deep in your guts. You closed your eyes and put your hands back to hold onto the top of his thighs and began moving him in and out. Harry gasped at the tightness and he held onto the bottom of your thighs as you fucked yourself on him.

“So deep like this, Harry. Oh my god…” you bit your lip and kept your hips moving up and down. The slick sounds were already obvious in the room. You’d been wet for a bit. Soaked in fact.

“Fuck…” Harry had his head on the pillow under him and dropped his mouth open. You felt so good. God was he glad you were not shy and that you were so forward.

You got into a rhythm, slipping up and down his long shaft. You worked your thighs to lift yourself and give Harry a bit of a view so he could watch his cock spreading you apart. He definitely liked what you were doing.

He moved the pillow under his neck so he could watch with more ease. He moved his hands back to underneath your thighs, “So fucking pretty on my cock like that, Y/n,” he groaned.

You licked your lips and smiled, “It is pretty isn’t it? Feels so good too,” you panted.

Your thighs began to get a little tired so you sat forward and brought your hands to his chest, knees down on the mattress to grind down over him. You moved yourself over his cock, your clit dragging over his pubic bone and you moaned. Harry reached up to squeeze your tits and he bent his knees slightly, his feet flat on the mattress and began rutting up into you slowly.

The new position was easier for you and it allowed Harry to fuck into you as well. When he started to rock upward the bed started to creak under his shifting weight. You braced yourself over him, your hands at his chest as he picked up the pace.

“Ugh!” You were knocked upward a bit when he went harder and his balls began to smack into your bottom on each thrust into you, “Fuck, Harry!”

The thudding of skin and the wet plunge of his cock into you was Harry’s favorite sound. It had been too long since he’d had regular sex. Your little gasps and whines were also egging him on. He could tell you liked what he was doing so he went harder and you closed your eyes, mouth dropped open.

From this angle, Harry had the best view of your tits softly bouncing and your neck stretched out and mouth open. Your whimpers and the way you were squeezing around him were good signs.

“Like that, Y/n? Like it when I fuck into you deep?” Harry’s hands were on your ass, guiding you up and down on his cock as he continued plunging into you from his position below.

“Uh huh…” you whined and nodded. You opened your eyes and looked down at him. You could fuck this man all day and all night. He was so hot and he was really good with his cock and his mouth. God, it was too good.

Your loud moans and gasps of Harry’s name were met with Harry’s own moans. You liked a man who was a little vocal. Harry didn’t give you too much but when he did, it sent your heart fluttering. You loved that your pussy was making him feel good the way his dick was making you feel good.

With the way your clit was being rubbed against on his pubes and Harry’s cock lodged deep in your guts you came suddenly. You whined Harry’s name and clenched over his cock. Harry gritted his teeth when he felt your little muscle squeezing him and he gasped when he came. He stilled his hips and grasped your ass, holding you down over him as he emptied into his condom and you panted in high-pitched breaths.

You had already been on edge before Harry even fucked you. You’d wanted him since you got back to the motel room with the snacks. And then after all the conversation and the subtle flirting, the looks he was giving you, then the teasing and the argument that led to where you were now… it was no wonder you’d come so fast.

You smoothed your hands over his pecs (really your favorite spot to put your palms) and Harry moved his hands from your bottom to your waist and pulled you down over him. He wrapped his arms around you and you put your cheek at his clavicle. With your eyes closed you moved your hands up into his hair and Harry kissed the top of your head, his hands brushing over your back.

“I’ll sleep in the bed with you tonight since you insisted,” Harry joked with a laugh.

You smiled and laughed and turned your head down and lightly bit at his skin, “Nah… you should sleep on the floor. I’ve gotten what I wanted from you, detective,” you chuckled and then you felt Harry’s hand land over your bottom and you jumped, pushing yourself up to look at him in shock.

“Did you just spank me?” You had a big grin on your face but so did Harry.

He raised a brow and brought his palm down on your soft, round bottom again with a smack, a little harder this time, and laughed, “OH. Was that what that was? Like this?” He did again and you laughed and tried to push off of him but his free arm wrapped tighter around your middle and held you securely in place.

“You’re a menace, Harry!” You giggled when you felt his fingers pinch your skin where the curve of your bottom met the back of your thigh. You smacked his chest and he laughed, a deep vibration coming from his chest and it felt like you’d known him forever. Like it should feel when you’re in bed with someone you’ve just had sex with.

“A menace?” Harry’s eyes were droopy as he smiled and shook his head, “No. I don’t think so. You deserve a good spanking I think. I bet you don’t get spanked often enough. It’s why you’re so mouthy.”

You both laughed and you wiggled to move off of him again but he continued to hold you still, “Don’t go. Just stay like this with me.” Harry squeezed you tighter.

You relented with a huff (a fake one because you were actually quite pleased that he didn’t want you to move) and laid your head back down on his chest, your fingernails lightly scraping over the hair on his chest.

Harry let out a deep hum, vibrating against your ear and you smiled. A sudden feeling of giddiness fell over you. It felt good like this. With Harry. You still didn’t know what tomorrow held but you knew that at that moment in his arms something had shifted. And when he kissed the top of your head again you felt your heart flutter in your chest. You turned your head and kissed the skin on his pec and then smushed your cheek back into his chest again and you could feel Harry’s heart pounding in his chest. You both felt it. The beginning of something.

◈ ◈ ◈

You woke up to Harry moving the slightest bit under you. You woke up still on top of him, just like you’d fallen asleep, but you could tell his penis was no longer inside of you. You lifted your head and looked up at his sleepy face and saw the light coming in from the sides of the window. It was morning.

“Morning,” Harry’s groggy morning voice was even sexy. His hair was a mess and his body was so warm and comfortable. You couldn’t believe you’d fallen asleep on top of him and stayed that way all night. You looked over at the clock on the nightstand.

“It’s 8:40. Should we call that place where your car is?” You looked down at Harry.

He took a deep breath, which made his chest expand. You put your hands on his pecs and smiled down at him. Harry moved his hands down to your bottom, gently brushing over it, and pulled you up a little so that your face was directly over his.

“They don’t open until 10,” his smile was a little cheeky as he squeezed at your bottom, and when you shifted you felt it. His hardon.

You squinted down at him and laughed, “See? You’re a menace,” you smiled.

Harry hummed and nodded, “Guess I am. What about you? Are you feeling like a menace too?” He licked his lips and there was nothing more to say so you lowered your mouth to his and softly kissed his lips.

The kiss was lazy and soft and a little sloppy. A perfect morning kiss but it wasn’t just any morning kiss. It led to you grinding over Harry’s cock and Harry slipping a new condom on and then fucking you tummy down into the bed. He slid his hand in between you and the mattress and rubbed your clit as he plunged into you from behind. Another record breaker. You came on his cock and he released into his condom in less than fifteen minutes total. Then he kissed your back and down your spine until he sat back and spanked your bottom a couple of times for good measure making you both laugh.

You took a much-needed shower that Harry interrupted. The man was either deprived or an addict because when he pulled the grimy shower curtain back and stepped in while you had soap in your hair he was already thick and hard between his legs. You lowered to your knees to suck him off. He wanted to fuck you again but he didn’t bring a condom into the shower with himself and you knew how difficult shower sex was. And the wall of the tub was not anything you wanted to touch.

Harry placed a palm on the wall while you gagged and worked your hardest on him but he kept pulling you off and saying sweet shit like, “Take it easy. No need to choke on it. You don’t have to prove anything to me.” Which is the kind of shit that makes a girl fall in love. The last guy you slept with wanted you to choke on it. Wanted you to gag and take him down your throat and so for Harry with his big dick and pretty eyes looking at you all soft, well, that made you want to choke on his cock, and maybe that’s why he said those things. Reverse psychology and all. So you went all in and Harry was moaning and gasping and begging you even. He was begging you.

“Oh, my god. Yes, please, baby. Fuck… please… please…” you smiled as you choked him down your throat. He was no longer trying to pull you off as his cock began throbbing and you tasted a steady drip of his pre-come. You couldn’t put him all in but you could get his tip to graze the back of his throat (which wasn’t hard because Harry’s cock was long). You felt Harry’s hand in your hair but he never pushed you down over him, which again, was sweet and romantic (it was rare that a man didn’t try to push you down on him once his hand was in your hair during head). Harry’s knees started to bend slightly and he put more weight onto his palm where he leaned against the shower wall.

“Fuck… like that, Y/n… oh my god…” Harry’s words were deep groans and he tried to keep his eyes on you as swallowed around him but every time you gulped around his tip when it hit the back of your throat Harry got a little weaker and his legs were fighting to keep him upright, “Holy shit… please don’t stop. Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he moaned as he threw his head back.

You had your hands on his muscular thighs to keep yourself steady as the water coming down from the showerhead was slippery under your knees. When you chanced to move a hand to his heavy balls, full of his come, you spread your thighs to maintain your balance. You watched his chest heave as you gently massaged his scrotum and whirled your tongue over his tip as you caught your breath before taking him down your throat again, gagging and choking.

And that did it. When Harry felt your small hands brushing and gently squeezing his balls and the way your throat gripped his bulbous head when you gagged he came with a deep, loud groan and quivering thighs. You drank him down and kept your eyes upward on him and the way he looked down at you as his cock pumped ropes of his come down your throat, it felt a lot sweeter than a blowjob should feel. Your reward was him lifting you up and kissing you so hard and so deeply that it felt like a dream. This man couldn’t be real. How could he be taking you to jail and kissing you like this too?

And those thoughts were already in Harry’s mind the moment he woke up with you in his arms. How was he going to give you up to the police and let them lock you away? How was he going to not keep you now that he’s had you? Really had you. He needed to find a way to keep you out of trouble and himself. He just didn’t know what he was going to do because he hadn’t really had any time to think. But he was sure he wouldn’t be able to just release you from his custody either. What if you didn’t want to stay? He’d be heartbroken. Well, maybe not heartbroken but he’d be hurt if you didn’t want to stay. But he couldn’t make you stay with him if you didn’t want to.

So he did what any man would do who wanted to make sure the girl was happy, he carried you to the bed and ate you out until you came on his face and gushed over his chin. He liked having his face in between your legs. Liked you noises and the way you wiggled. He really liked you in general. And he did not expect to like you as much as he did.

After you’d finally put some clothes on Harry turned his phone on. He sat down on the bed with his back to you and that’s when you remembered. Rebecca. You watched his body language from where you stood as you put your hair into a ponytail. You heard him sigh. He stared down at the phone in his hand silently.   

You hesitated to ask but you were not one to hold back normally. Sometimes you spoke when you shouldn’t. Sometimes you put your foot into your mouth. Many times you didn’t think before you said something, “Did she call again?”

Harry’s back stiffened and he put the phone down on the bed. You saw him take in a deep breath and he turned, putting his knee up onto the bed, and looked at you standing on the opposite side.

“Rebecca is my boss. Yes. She called again. She’s not happy.”

His boss. Huh. Now you felt a number of things. The first was relief that it wasn’t some hookup or a girlfriend. Secondly, you felt a little bad for asking since it wasn’t a girlfriend or someone he might be interested in. You were also curious. What could his boss want? Should you ask? Was he in trouble? He was in trouble. The look on his face told you almost everything you wanted to know.

“You’re in trouble,” you said as you sat down on the bed.

Harry pulled his lips into his mouth and nodded, “Yup.”

You decided that was enough to know for now. Unless he decided to share more with you willingly. But you’d take that little bit until he was ready for more. But that didn’t mean you weren’t very curious. You had your theories.

Harry knew that by turning on his phone he’d see all the missed calls and messages from Rebecca. He was in deep shit. He just needed to get his thoughts together. But first, he needed to call the shop and figure out what was going on with his car.

The man at the shop did not have news Harry wanted to hear. A part needed to be ordered and it was coming from a different city so the man couldn’t have the car done until the following afternoon. The good news was that he didn’t need payment upfront. Harry assumed he’d need to get a taxi to the shop, pay the man and then come back to the motel again. So that was the one bright thing in his day. And you too.

Harry ran a hand through his hair and watched you as you dug through your suitcase. You were pulling things out and folding clothes sitting on the floor. He sat down next to you, cross-legged and you turned to look at him, “What?”

Harry shrugged, “Just thought I’d join you down here. I was thinking of asking the person at the office if there was any place nearby to eat. Like real food. Maybe we can get a taxi or walk if it’s close enough. What do you think?”

You closed your suitcase and kept your eyes on Harry’s. His eyes were so beautiful. Not like any others you’d seen. Otherworldly almost. Light olive with whispers of blue and gold. And then the outer edges of his iris were a deeper shade of green as if to outline the fact that he was more beautiful than anyone else. Like he needed an outline in a darker green so you’d really pay attention to his gaze. Impossible to avert your eyes. And then that was all defined by his dark lashes to really draw you in.

“Uh…” you had to reign in your thoughts when you realized you’d been staring too long, “that actually sounds good. I’m hungry.”

Harry was smirking at you. He noticed your lingering look. He knew he was pretty and it pleased him that you noticed it too.

The closest restaurant was a diner but you’d need to take a taxi because it was a twenty-minute drive away. Harry called a taxi and to your shock, the same man that dropped you off the day before was there to pick you up. Bob. He was friendly and talkative, just like last time. But this time Harry sat in the back with you. He put an arm behind your back and pulled you into his side. You felt like you were in high school again. It was like basic touch had you spinning. Had you been that touch-starved? Maybe. But you really liked being tucked into his side and the way Harry kept his arm over your shoulder and softly brushed his thumb on your arm. Everything he did was a turn on and now you were reminded of his big prick and his big mouth and the bed waiting for you when you got back to the motel.

The diner was in a small town. The town was so small it consisted of one road with a grocery store, a gas station, a public building that might have been a library at one time but was now boarded up, a few houses, a bar, and the Belladonna Diner. Such a fancy name for a small-town diner.

Bob promised to be back in about an hour and you Harry settled into a booth to get something hot to eat. He showed you pictures of his sister and her kids. And then his mom. And then he gave you your phone, “You can have your phone. Shouldn’t have taken it from you in the first place,” he said as he slid it across the table to you.

You looked at him in question as you picked it up. You had a lot of missed calls and texts. Mostly from Raechel. You looked from your phone screen back up to Harry, “Thank you. Uh,” you lifted your phone up and showed Harry, “I’m just gonna text Raechel and let her know I’m okay.”

Harry was nervous to give you your phone but he had no reason to hold it. He had no reason to hold you. He needed to come clean to you about what was going on. About how you were free to go. How he’d drop the case and even tell his boss that he found nothing on you. He knew it was you. You still hadn’t admitted it to him but he knew it.

You quickly typed a text to Raechel and told her you were fine and that you’d call her later when you had a chance. You wanted to talk to her in private but you weren’t sure yet what you could tell her.

Your food was laid down on the table and you and Harry began to eat in silence. Having your phone back was nice but you didn’t know what it meant.

“Why? I mean…” you swallowed your bite, “why give me my phone back? Will you tell me what’s going to happen?” You just wanted answers. You wanted to understand what you could expect tomorrow.

Harry rolled his neck and looked out the window before sipping his coffee and placing it back on the table, “You’re free to go. I don’t have any reason to hold you. When my car gets fixed I can take you back to your mother’s. I’m sorry about everything,” Harry didn’t look you in the eyes when he spoke.

But you didn’t like his answer for some reason. Maybe yesterday before getting to the motel you would have been happy to hear the words you’re free to go. But now? You didn’t know if you liked that or not. It didn’t help you settle in your mind your feelings or straighten out what was to come next.

“So, you’re not taking me to jail?” You raised your brows and sat back in the seat as you watched Harry push his food around on his plate.

“No. I’ll tell my boss you’re not the one we’re looking for. I’m going to be removed from the case. I’ve ruined my hard work,” you saw his throat bob when he swallowed. He looked disappointed. Upset.

“Thank you,” your voice came out softer than you intended.

“I think I just wanted to see if I could get a confession but now,” Harry shook his head and clenched his jaw, still not looking at you, “I don’t want it. I don’t want you to go to prison,” he finally looked up at you, “I guess I just wanted you around. Didn’t want to let you go even after I knew it was no good and I’d get into trouble,” he licked his lips and looked back down.

You didn’t know what to say. You looked back down at your phone when Raechel texted you back but you were too focused on the man before you to lift the phone to read her reply.

“What about you? What will you do? You said you were in trouble. Would you be like… fired or something?” You were concerned.

Harry shook his head and sighed, “No. Maybe moved to a different case, suspended perhaps, I don’t know. I don’t think I’d be fired. Not for this. It was a fuck up but not something to lose my job over.”

You nodded, “Well… what about…” you frowned and looked down to build a bit of courage to say what you wanted, “us. What about us?”

Harry lifted his head up to look at you and scrunched his brows together, “What do you mean?”

You blinked and opened your mouth to speak but paused. How would you say it? The things you were feeling and what you really wanted. You didn’t want this to be over suddenly. You liked Harry. Was this it? You bit your lip and looked down to your lap and then took a deep breath, “I like you,” you brought your gaze back up to his, “I know this isn’t conventional but, I kind of hoped…” you shook your head and looked out the window. You didn’t know what you hoped. You didn’t know what you even wanted.

“You like me?” Harry said in a voice barely above a whisper and you turned to look at him, his grin was soft, genuine.

You laughed and nodded, “I mean… yeah. Thought you kind of liked me too,” you shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile.

Harry leaned back into his seat and his grin widened, dimples carving into his cheeks. You felt his foot nudge yours and you saw the cheeky sparkle in his eyes, that look again, the one that said he knew something you didn’t.

“What makes you think I like you?” His question was goading. He couldn’t stop his grin from taking over his features. He knew it was at least somewhat obvious to you by now the way he felt about you.

You squinted at him and pushed his foot away from yours and crossed your arms, “Oh, I don’t know. Let’s see… maybe it’s the way you can’t keep your hands to yourself around me,” you raised your brows at him, “the way you saved me from Oregano,” you both laughed, “how you begged me this morning in the shower…” you grinned and Harry’s eyes widened.

“Did not beg you. I don’t beg. You were the one on your knees with my,” he looked around the mostly empty diner and leaned in, both of his feet encasing yours now, holding your legs in place, “dick down your throat,” he chuckled and his grin turned into something more scandalous, his eyes getting a little darker.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes and put your middle finger up to his face, “You did beg. Multiple times. And then you spread me out on the bed and thanked me with your mouth on my kitty.” You smiled and Harry grabbed your middle finger and pulled your hand to his mouth, nipping the tip of your pad between his teeth before letting go, “Be careful giving me the finger like that young lady.”

You rolled your eyes again and Harry tilted his head down, keeping his eyes on you with a look of warning.

“Why? You worried I’ll stick it in your bum hole?” You sputtered out a laugh and Harry slid out of his spot in the booth and plopped down next to you, caging you in with his legs and his arms as he leaned close.

“No. There’s nothing you could do to me that I wouldn’t like. But that attitude is gonna get you in a lot of trouble,” his nearness was overwhelming, in the best way. He didn’t back down easily but neither did you. You liked the back-and-forth with him. The banter, the flirting, the fake annoyance, the combative arguments that got heated and turned to you being unable to resist him anymore.

“So you do want it up your bum hole. I can make that happen for you, Harry,” you spoke quietly and licked your lips.

Harry’s eyes were dark and when you slid your hand over his crotch you realized he was just as turned on as you were. You squeezed and Harry let out a quick puff of breath, parting his lips.

“See? This is just one of the many reasons I can tell you like me,” you pressed your palm down and Harry leaned down further toward your face, and suddenly his mouth was on yours.

You wrapped your hands around his back and brought them up to the back of his head and he pulled you into his body and it got hot a little too fast. You were in public and making out in a booth in a small-town diner. There weren’t many people in the diner but still. Your panties were wet and Harry’s prick was hard. You hadn’t had enough of him and you decided you didn’t want it to be over yet.

Harry kissed you hard and his shaky breath between kisses told you how turned on he was. He was more than turned on, though. He was relieved that you said you liked him. That you seemed to want more like he did. He didn’t think it was a good idea, but good ideas be damned at this point. He was already in too deep and why deny himself now? Why stop what he’d started when you didn’t seem to want it to stop either?

Harry laid cash down on the table and you both went outside for privacy. On the side of the building in view of the road so you could see Bob coming Harry had you against the brick and slid his hands under your shirt and cupped your breasts as he continued kissing you like you were the last woman on earth. You had your hands in the back of his shirt, smoothing your palms over his skin, your bodies pressed together hard when you heard the honking of a horn.

You both parted from the kiss with gasps and pink cheeks and turned to see Bob parked in the road at the curb waving at you both.

The ride back to the motel was mostly a series of small kisses and touches and attempts to keep it cool as Bob chatted and filled the silence, only making it more awkward when you’d catch him looking in the rearview mirror.

Harry practically dragged you into your room and slammed the door closed the moment you both were inside and clothes couldn’t come off fast enough. It’s like you hadn’t had enough yet. Like you couldn’t get enough. You knew you should probably talk about what might happen tomorrow but that could wait when Harry pushed you onto the bed and hooked his arms under your thighs and placed his whole mouth over your pussy and began licking you up and down.

You placed your hands in his hair and moved your hips up and down over his face. He didn’t even need to use his fingers to get you off this time. His tongue and lips worked you into a frenzy and you learned that when you had your clit sucked on and a tongue slipping up and down at the same time it was magic. That was his secret. The sucking and the licking all at once were sensational and it turned you into an agitated, bumbling, wet mess.

Harry had your legs locked down as he used his talented mouth on you and when you felt the nearness of your orgasm start to spike through your system you opened your eyes and looked down at him, a mess of curls from how your fingers had been pulling at his hair, his eyes closed like you were a delicacy to take his time eating. A flavor to savor.

“Harry!” you gasped his name in a breathy voice and felt his voice vibrate off of your clit and that was it for you. You came hard and tears rolled down your cheeks as you tried to inhale breaths of air. Harry’s mouth only dug in harder and he held you down with ease, your thighs trying to close around his head and your entire body trembling under him.

You’d lost yourself for a bit but when you felt soft licks and kisses on your cunt and your head began to piece itself together again you opened your eyes and looked down between your legs. Harry’s eyes were on you and he lifted his face. The insides of your thighs were red from the agitation of the overgrown scruff on his face, which now had your arousal all over. Harry kissed the inside of your left thigh and then climbed over you and planted a sloppy kiss on your mouth. You wrapped your arms around him and basked in his attention with a sigh, attempting to kiss him back before he pulled away to look down at you.

“You okay?” He looked at you, that cocky grin on his face again.

You nodded and smiled and then closed your eyes. You weren’t ready for real words just yet. Your brain was still working itself back into place.

You felt Harry move off of you and get off the bed so you watched him as he went somewhere in the room but you couldn’t move your head back far enough to keep your eyes on his naked frame.

He came back to the bed, the mattress dipping down next to you and he laid on his side, an arm smoothing over your middle and you were pulled into his chest. You liked all of the affection he was suddenly so freely giving you. The hugs, the sweet gestures, and longing looks, the gentle kisses…

Yeah. He definitely liked you. He just still hadn’t quite admitted it yet. He hadn’t told you what he wanted or what his plan was.

You leaned your head back to look up at him and his eyes were already on you. You smiled at him and the smell of yourself was distinct between you two.

And like he was reading your mind Harry finally spoke, “I like you a lot.”

Your smile widened and you slid your palms up from his pecs to his neck and then into his hair, “Yeah? I knew it.”

Harry laughed through his nose and smiled, “What gave it away?”

You touched his lip and then thumbed at his cheek and up toward the edge of his eye, “That. The way you look at me.”

Harry’s mouth was curved up in a closed-mouth smile as his eyes took in the whole of your face.

It was another one of those intimate moments that felt serious and too real. It felt like you were about to lose balance and tip over into dangerous territory. But you wanted to find out what the danger was. To look at it and experience it. Maybe it wasn’t all that bad. Maybe it was a mistake.

“I can’t help it. You’re so pretty,” he put his hand up to your face and grazed his fingers over your temple and down to your cheek, and then over your bottom lip. You closed your eyes. It was too intense. His gaze, his presence, the moment.

You felt his lips on your jaw, soft, and warm. You were both still naked and Harry’s erection was far from being tamed. He needed it taken care of.

You moved your hand down to press your palm over him and he brought his lips up to kiss your mouth. It happened without very much thought, your thigh getting hitched over his hip, your centers kissing like your mouths were and suddenly you opened your eyes and he opened his as he pushed into you, both laid on your sides facing one another.

You lost all sense when you threw caution to the wind and felt him bare inside of you. Harry felt your warmth and your softness around him and he gasped when he dipped into you with no barrier. You both breathed one another in deeply and watched each other as you slid together, a silent understanding of what you were doing. What you shouldn’t be doing. But the moment was too tender to break, to stop.

Harry’s shaky breath fell over your neck as his hands found your bottom and he moved into you. The slow and languid pushing and pulling, hearts pounding, and breaths deep and strained had your brain locked on him. Your hand in his hair and wet lips parted at the new connection between you.

Harry stopped moving his hips and closed his eyes before opening them again to set his beautiful gaze on yours, “Is this okay?”

You nodded and moved your hip down to push him deeper, “Please don’t stop,” you panted your words.

The look on Harry’s face was relief and appreciation, he breathed heavily through his nose when he pressed into you and pulled back to his tip and then plunged back in, “Never.”

The feeling of him entering you over and over again in such slow and steady strokes had you shaking in his arms. It was powerful and beautiful. It was better than any sex or intimacy you’d ever experienced and it was all in the way he was looking at you and touching you.

You both shifted together, in and out, and up and down, eyes taking one another in with such regard that it felt like the earth wouldn’t even get in the way of your mutual affection.

Finally, Harry dipped in and put his mouth on yours and it felt like fireworks throughout your body. You moaned into his mouth and you couldn’t stop your body from shaking, but you felt Harry shaking the same.

Harry’s whimpers and breaths into your mouth were easily interpreted by you as the seriousness of what was happening between you.

“Y/n… please…” his words were breaths against your mouth, “ahhh… fuck…” Harry didn’t even know what he was saying please for. He was out of his mind for you. Wanted to have you, keep you, make you his for good. Maybe that’s what he was asking, he couldn’t be sure. But not having a condom on was incredible, though he knew he’d regret it later. He felt every part of you as he pressed in and pulled back. Your muscles clenched and fluttered as he pushed through your walls.

“Yes, Harry… yess… oh god yes…” you felt your heart swell for the man who was fucking you. Your brain was on fire and your body was melted from the heat. You were his if he wanted you and there wasn’t any way to mistake the levity of what was happening.

Harry squeezed his eyes closed and grunted. He didn’t ever want to stop it. Didn’t want it to end. Wanted to keep going and going and be in that moment forever, but it was impossible. He was about to come. He clenched his jaw and held his breath as he tried to think of anything to distract his cock from the perfection of your pussy but it was too much.

“Fuck…” he opened his eyes and began to plunge into you faster, “M’gonna come… where do you want it?” His words came out in pants and whimpers as he felt his balls tighten up against his body.

“Harry… come inside of me, come on baby…” you tightened your leg over his hip and moved your hand down to his shoulder when you felt him pick up the cadence of how he was fucking into you. You weren’t ready to come yet, but he needed to and you wanted him to release inside of you. You also had the implant so it was unlikely you’d get pregnant. You wanted him to feel it, to pour into you as he came.

And he did. He moaned and cried out in a gasp when he released into you. You felt him throb and still inside of you and he held you close as his orgasm wiped him out. His face scrunched up like he was in pain and his mouth was wide open in lust as he pumped into you everything he had.

When you gently ran your fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck you felt his sweat. He was breathing hard and had his eyes closed as you kissed his nose and then his cheek. He slowly blinked his eyes open, “I’m sorry I came so fast. It felt so good like that. I can…” you pressed your finger over his mouth and shook your head.

“No. Don’t be sorry. I loved that. You made me come already anyway,” you smiled at him. You did love it. It made you feel powerful having him come so fast like that. The power of the pussy and all.

Harry closed his eyes and breathed a laugh out of his nose and shook his head with a small smile on his face. You put your fingers back into his hair and then he opened his eyes again. His expression was more serious, more concerned.

“Don’t go, okay? Will you stay with me?”

You frowned and looked over his face and moved a hand down, brushing your knuckles on his cheek, “If you want me around I’ll stay. But does this mean I’m not in trouble anymore? For real?”

Harry shook his head, “You’re not in trouble. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll tell my boss I couldn’t find anything on you. I’ll think of something. I’m gonna be off the case anyway. I’ll ask to be moved.”

You shifted the smallest bit and moved your hand down over his chest with a big smile, “So you want me to stick around? You’re not worried I’m going to drug you and take all your money?”

Harry laughed, “I’ve got nothing for you to take really. Remember, you said it yourself, I’m not the type you go after,” Harry looked down at your mouth and back up to your eyes, “But did you think about it with me? Like even for a second? Think about stealing from me?”

You sighed and shook your head, “No. Not really because you don’t really have the kind of things that are easy to snag up. You had some cash sitting out and out of habit I ran through scenarios in my mind but I wouldn’t have gone through with it. I’m more about the risk and reward balance. What I do is high risk, so I need the reward to be higher than the risk. I like to minimize my risk as much as possible. With you, the risk is too high and the reward wouldn’t be worth it. Plus I actually like you. I don’t steal from men I sleep with as a rule.”

“Mmm… I see…” Harry squinted his eyes at you, “So you’re finally giving me a confession,” he moved his hand down to your hip and pinched the meat and you jumped.

“You said I wasn’t in trouble…” you warned him with a pinch to his chest.

“Maybe I was faking you out,” Harry grinned, but the smile was telling.

“Mhmm… okay. And you just came inside of me without a condom. Are you prepared to be a single dad while I’m in prison?” You laughed.

Harry sputtered out a chuckle and the crinkles at the sides of his eyes were so endearing. You thought he probably had the best smile you’d ever seen, “If that’s what it takes…” and then he cleared his throat, “you are on birth control, though, right?”

You rolled your eyes and tried to scoot back from him to sit up but as you’d become used to, he tightened his hold on you, not letting you move away, “What if I wasn’t? You didn’t even question me when I told you to come inside of me.”

Harry’s brows stitched together and his smile fell, “Tell me you’re on birth control.”

You raised a brow at him, “Tell me you’re ready to take on the responsibility of being a single father since you think it’s funny to joke that you were trapping me into a confession.”

Harry’s face remained stoic and serious.

You huffed a breath and set your face in a serious gaze back at him.

“You know I’m not really trying to trap you into a confession. Not anymore. You’re safe to tell me what you want. But you are on birth control. Right?”

“You weren’t concerned about this ten minutes ago. Are you saying you don’t want to bring a little Harry into this world with me?” You were teasing, obviously, but you kind of wanted to see how far you could take it.

Harry sighed and raised his brows, “You’re fucking with me.”

You smiled and nodded, “I’ve got the implant. But it was pretty dumb to forego a condom, don’t you think? What if I was trying to baby-trap you, Harry?”

Harry let out a breath through his nose and nodded, “Yeah. It was dumb. I’ve been kind of brain-dead around you if I’m honest. I’m actually a pretty good detective. Until I saw you in person.”

You grinned and smoothed your hand over his chest, feeling his hair under your palm, “I tend to make men brain-dead. It’s part of the job.”

Harry laughed and you felt his hand feather up your thigh toward the bend of your knee, “Am I a job to you?”

You shook your head, “Not at all.”

“Good. Because you’re not a job to me either. Not anymore.”

“I should probably tell you everything then, huh? Just so we have it all out on the table,” you kept your eyes on him and he nodded.

“Well, ever since I was little I liked taking things that didn’t belong to me and getting away with it…”

You began your story from the beginning and told him everything. Harry listened quietly as you both laid together naked on the bed. He knew most of what you’d told him but some of the details of how it all started were a surprise to him. And everything he learned just made him like you more.

“So,” you said to him when you’d told him your story, “still like me enough to keep around?”

Harry’s bright eyes stayed on yours the whole time and you were aware of the way he was taking you in as you spoke. You had no doubt that he still liked you. That he still wanted you around. If it wasn’t the way he was looking at you it was the way he wouldn’t let you go, how he kept you in his arms and let his palms brush over your skin as you spoke.

A goofy smile broke out on his face, “I do still like you, yes. Probably insane for it, but I want you around. If that’s okay with you.”

You pursed your lips to the side and stared into the corner of the room with a pensive look on your face, “Hmmm… let me think…”

Harry brought his fingers over your ribs and started to poke into your skin, tickling you. You both laughed as Harry continued tickling your ribs, “Tell me you want me still, Y/n, or I’m not going to stop,” he warned as he continued his tickle assault.

You guffawed loudly, trying to reign it in but your ribs were ticklish and Harry was strong and determined. You wiggled in his arms but he only dug in more and then he rolled you to your back, trapping your legs down under his thighs so you couldn’t kick at him.

“Okay!” You shouted and gasped, “Okay!! Mercy!”

Harry shook his head as his finger grazed over your sides and up under your armpits, “Nuh-uh. Tell me you want me and I’ll stop.”

You couldn’t stop your high-pitched squeal and laughter but you finally collected yourself, “Yes! I like you! Please stop!”

Harry stopped his fingers from moving over your skin but kept you held down, “Yeah? And you want to stick around with me?”

You nodded, “Yes. I do, Harry,” you smiled at him and held your hands up, ready to stop him from more tickles if necessary.

Harry’s wide grin reminded you of a kid who just learned they were going to get the Christmas present they’d been begging for, “Why are you so difficult? Why can’t you just be nice to me and answer my questions the first time? You always have to make a scene,” he laughed.

You wrapped your hands around his forearms, still not sure whether or not he was going to start tickling you again, “I am difficult. I’m never going to be easy. But you’re difficult too, Harry. You act like I’m the only one here who’s an asshole but you are too. And who wants easy anyway? Isn’t it more fun like this?”

Harry grinned down at you and cocked his head to the side, “Who wants easy anyway?”

Part 5*

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[rachi-roo]

Hey, I saw your fic requests open and I wanted to know if you could do Lee!dabi and Ler!tomo (I'm pretty sure that's the name of your oc if I remember correctly)? I love his quirk and it'd be interesting to see how you think dabi would react to it! ^^

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My Hero Academia: Join the Dark Side, Yo

Oh my GOODNESS! It's been a little while since I've written something this long! I just love writing dialogue with my Tomo baby. He's such a sassy little shit XD I'd think Canon Dabi would just power through the tickles and incinerate Tomo, then find his family, burn them too, and probably steal his dog XD Buuuut, let's just pretend the tiggles are too strong! Thank you so much for the ask! Love you, thank you for your patience!

Summary: Dabi tries to convince Tomo to join the LOV.

Lee!Dabi, Ler!Tomo

Tw: Swearing, flirting

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Money, money, money! Today had been a successful hunt. Tomo had snatched several wallets from unsuspecting rich folk and even a snazzy Gucci watch that would fetch a nice handful at the cash pawn shop.

"Hmm... Udon set from the seven-eleven down the road? Ooor, maybe something from the night market?" He asked himself as he counted his wad of stolen cash. "Nice, I can afford both!"

"Abe Tomohiro."

"Huh?" The boy paused, hearing someone call his name from down an alleyway. "Yello?" He called back, stuffing the money into his pocket as he narrowed his eyes, trying to see who was talking to him in the dark.

Once his eyes focused, he saw a man staring at him with a grin across his scarred face. Dabi.

"Hey, kid. Come on down, I wanna have a talk." Dabi called, gesturing with a wave. He was on the lookout for villains to recruit into the League.

Tomo gulped, looking around for other civilians before taking a step closer, smiling. "My mum told me not to follow sexy men into dark alleyways."

"Hah, your mums a clever woman."

"That she is. Unfortunately, that intelligence didn't get passed down to me." Tomo smirked, walking towards Dabi casually. He knew that being defensive was usually worse in these situations.

Now face to face, Tomo looked up at the shadowy man who loomed over him.

"So, what can I do for you, sexy man in the alleyway? I'm afraid I'm not looking for company tonight if that's what you're offering." He smirked.

Dabi just smirked in return. He seemed to be in a good mood tonight. Otherwise, Tomos sass would find him dead. Dabi cocked his head to the side, looking down at the boy.

"I've heard a lot about you, Abe."

"Tomo is fine. No need for formalities." Tomo smirked as Dabi gave a nod of understanding.

"Tomo. I'm aware of what you get up to. You seem to have a real talent for it. And, you and the Pro hero, Hawks, are on good terms? Right?" He asked, raising a brow as he watched Tomo narrow his eyes.

"How'd you know that?"

"Doesn't matter. What I'm getting at is how useful you could be. I'm looking for people to join our little cause. You clearly understand that society is unbalanced. The way you only steal from those pompous rich bastards is evidence enough."

Tomo folded his arms, biting his lip as he listened. He knew where this was going, and he wasn't sure if he was keen on the idea. "Mhmm... What of it?"

"I think you'd be a handy addition to our group. Hawks, let's you commit crime. He knows you're stealing, and yet, he lets you walk free. That might come in handy for some dirtier jobs that come up." Dabi smirked, leaning close to Tomo, watching his eyes carefully.

"I reckon we see eye to eye on some level... I want what Stain is after. The fall of false heroes and-"

"Pffft-" Tomo cut him off, blowing a raspberry as he gave him a thumbs down. "Stain? Nuh-uh. No thanks, pal. I'm not out here to put anyone in the dirt."

Dabis friendly front immediately faded. Replaced with a blood-lust glare. "No?"

"Nah, I'm too pretty to be digging around in dirt like that. You're hot, but not pretty, so it's fine for you."

"I don't dig graves." Dabi growled, leaning closer, pinning Tomo between him and the wall with his arm.

"You don't? You mean... That smell is just you?"

"Moron. I don't dig graves because there's never anything left to bury!" The flame weirder ignited a warping blue flame in his palm, holding it close to Tomos face, slightly charring the tips of his hair.

Tomo scrunched his eyes shut, leaning away from the heat as he chuckled nervously.

"Ooho, damn. Yeah, that's hot." Tomo smirked, reaching a hand to pat Dabis chest. "Look, I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I'm just not built for the whole super-villain business, Mr- Uh, what was your name?"

"Dabi."

"Mr. Dabi. So-" Tomo ducked under Dabis arm, slowly starting to shimmy towards the main road again. "It's been nice, cool meeting a real villain and all, but I gotta go."

"Pitty." Dabi sneered, raising his hand, aiming a fireball at Tomo. "Shigaraki suggested you by name too. He held you in high regard, but I see you- GYAH!?" Dabi arched his back suddenly, yelping as his fire was diminished.

"Sorry bout that, I just hate long ass monologues." Tomo shrugged as he shook his head.

Dabi wasn't sure what just happened, but he was pissed!

"If you value your life, you won't do that again!" Dabi growled, clenching his fists angrily. His pride was already a little damaged due to the noise he made. Tomo chuckled, amused by Dabis reaction.

"Oh? Why?" Tomo asked, stepping a little closer, tilting his head.

"Does it tickle?"

Dabi felt a strange sensation in his chest. What was this feeling? He felt warm. Though not like any heat he had experienced before. This was different. Was he... Flustered?

"Little shit!" He was pissed. He tossed a fireball at Tomo. It was missed by inches as his aim was thrown off by a tickly sensation on his stomach that made him double over, clutching his stomach as he bit back a laugh.

"Oh, you are ticklish then! Never would have guessed~" Tomo teased, hopping up onto a dumpster and making himself comfortable as he watched Dabi consider his options. Which were limited at this time.

"Just get out of here, kid." The dark-haired villain hissed, keeping his eyes fixed on the concrete.

"Hm? And miss out on seeing a sexy villain like you laughing and begging for mercy under my hand? No can do, Mr. Dabi~" He raised his hands, starting to pinch the air. Each pinch made Dabi flinch and snicker.

"Gh-! I-I sweAh-! I swear, if you dOHON'T stop! I'll fihind y-you ahand- FUCK!" The constant random squeezing sensation moved up and down Dabis ribs, making it hard for him to string a sentence.

"You'll find me and what, sir? How forward of you, hehe~!" Tomo smiled, crossing his legs as he looked down at the squirming villain. "You're kinda cute when you laugh. Ya know?"

The light squeezing turned into more vigorous tickling, targeting the villains stomach now.

"Stahap! Y-You little shihiiiit! AHA! GR-! NOHO!" He rolled onto his side, clutching his stomach as a few small, harmless flames spurted from his palms. "Rrrh! NnnAHA!" His eyes scrunched shut, his knees pulled up into his chest as he tried to hide his expression from view.

"Nawww, look at that smile! You know, I love when big scary men like you are ticklish. It's very humbling and adorable. Kichy, kitchy kooo~" Tomo laughed with him, making squeezing gestures in the air that stuck to Dabis inner thighs, making him kick and flail helplessly.

"STAHAP! F-Fuhuhuck it! I-I'll bury yOHOHOUUU! AaaaAHA!"

"I thought you said you don't dig graves? Now you're lying to me? Ugh... It's always the pretty ones that are the liars." The tickling kicked up a notch as Dabis underarms were attacked.

"Kichy, koo~ Little squirmy wormy villy willain! So eeevil! Yes, I'm petrified right now, can you tell? Oh sho shcawy!"

"GOhod damn it! GyahahaAAAHAHA! NO! Noho! NAHAHAAaaa-!... *gasp* StyAHAP! STAHAHAAAAP!"

Dabi clamped his arms to his sides, throwing his head back in hysterics. He felt so vulnerable, something he hadn't felt in years now. And this sensation of tickling. Never before had he felt such a thing, it was so intense! It was... Pleasant? No! Of course not! He'd never think such a thing!

A sort passed his lips as he leaned up against the wall, just managing to prop himself upright as he laughed himself silly.

"HAHA! OHO SHIHIIIT! Dahahamn it! F-Fuhucking stahahap! EH!?" He gasped, looking up and realising the boy was long gone.

"HEY! Where'd you gohOH!? Come BAHAHACK! AHAHAAAaaaa-!... *gasp* GAHAHAD! C-COHOWARD! I'll fIHIIII- AHA!" It was no good. Dabi gave up throwing threats around. He rolled back onto his side, pulling his jacker collar up around his face, trying to keep his crimson red cheeks hidden and his laughter quieter.

Once the tickling finally subsided, Dabi couldn't even bother to be mad anymore. He just lay there for a while, staring up at the stars as he caught his breath. "Damn... Kid... Hah..." He smiled to himself, rubbing his side as a ghost tickle made him jump. Maybe Tomo was right to decline. Someone who tickles people for defence doesn't belong with a group of criminals like them anyway.

"My turn... Next time..."

----------------------☆END☆-----------------------

Thanks for reading! Much love! 😚💕

[p1nk-matter]

(hxh) PHANTOM TROUPE // KURTA CLAN theory

...debunking PT did it

So let me preface this by saying this was 100% inspired by a tiktok comment in a hxh phantom troupe's religious symbolism video back in 2021 (:/). The person who commented made such an impact I screenshotted their comments which unfortunately are not in correct order and messaged them this year (i just know they think im weird) but they never responded. I'd give their @ but its their government name (I take it) so msg me for deets. All credit goes to them as I'm just polishing and tidying these thoughts.

First op talks about Meteor City, a junkyard city inhabited by outcasts. People who live there do not exist on any official records and are treated horribly from the outside, people are taken from Meteor City for crimes, prostitution, slavery and no one's doing a thing to stop it. People go outside and face racism, like the one guy accused of a crime he didnt commit and when the truth is shown no one does anything (think op meant The Bum Incident, vol 11, Chapter 102). These people get no justice, they're just used and this is where the duality of Chrollo comes in, he is a demon to the outside world because he is challenging the gods but also a Jesus figure for the underprivileged Meteor City. Even his reverse St Peters Cross on his jacket means that he feels unworthy to be crucified in the same manner as Jesus. Thats his way of saying he doesnt see himself as worthy of savior. His priority is the Troupe so they can together be seen to the outside world, they are literally a troupe of phantoms, trying to be recognized. This is why when he asks Neon if she believes in ghosts and she says no, she is the oppressor that doesn't understand the one hurt.

If you read the story with this idea in mind you start to observe that the Troupe only attacks people hazardous for the City (mafia, ants) or when they want revenge for one of them killed so its weird they are presented in a positive almost heroic light. Only exception that sticks out to the story? Kurta massacre.

The og commenter wondered why it was that the Troupe was always presented in a positive light. We've known the Phantom Troupe does acts of good alongside the bad but we also haven't seen anything entirely "evil" commited by any of them yet. Most of the legends surrounding them are hearsay. And though they could have easily killed Gon and Killua, they don't, twice. Also, Uvogin when taken by mafia/Kurapika says if freed, they wouldn't hurt them as they are not the target.

Op comments on how narrative should be filtered as its being commented via Gon- a non objective source, they claim that the 1st arc feels like a kid show whereas chimera arc feels dark, thats not to say it is actually like that but as Gon's perspective changes so does the narration. At first when innocent people die, he doesnt really care but in chimera we need a narrator to explain as Gon is too biased at that point. Regarding the massacre we only have Kurapika's word but what we are being told/shown about the Troupe is different. The characters talk about the Kurta massacre, how horrible and brutal it was but the narrative is keen and favors the Troupe, it paints them in a favorable light and why should the narrative do that, they don't become better people like the Ants after all.

From the moment they appear on screen, the narrative wants us to see them as underprivileged, both in York New and in the ship, even when they're fighting in Meteor City, they're fighting for injustice or when somebody hurts them. Then why justify their actions everytime they appear on screen if they massacred the Kurta Clan? If they are responsible for this why make them the underprivileged representation? Both Kurta and Troupe says the op are ostracized by the outside and seen less from people.

Say they did it. 3 ideas were proposed as to why.

1. for the eyes (Chrollo likes the eyes, like Hisoka said but Hisoka is a liar and also Chrollo has never shown interest in the show for them. For someone who steals things he likes, why make an exception and murder here?)

2. for money (that's not correct, we are told multiple times they don't care about it, neither money nor fame, they want to be recognized by the world but how would that work by killing a clan that's been hidden for 100 years, they dont get anything out of it.)

3. for revenge: Revenge for what? Kurta are a peaceful clan that hide for years. We know the Troupe left a note that is the motto of Meteor City (I'm adding here what op referred to: "we reject no one so take nothing from us"). Op says note means they serve justice to their city, when someone takes things away from them so what did Kurta take? From the thematic and narrative point they are not set up to have done it, op thinks thats 100% intentional.

Like said above, BOTH have the thematic of oppression from the outside world, they are a commodity for the rich and powerful (gods) but why is Phantom Troupe put in the light of both, the oppressor and the oppressed? Why would an oppressed group oppress another one for NO good reason? The Troupe doesn't kill innocent people if not necessary, they do NOT care about money or fame and the revenge aspect doesnt work because the Kurta were isolated from the outside.

If we look back at the York New Arc they never state the massacre, they simply suggest it and of course from a Kurapika POV they are guilty but if you look again you have to ask..are they really?

☆

this took ages for me to coherently formulate and ik it goes back and forth but bless op's heart because it changed my perspective completely (more than any yt analysis found online) !

[loveroftoomanyfandoms]

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear Chapter 1: Matt

Rating: Explicit (18+, MINORS DNI)

Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Story Summary: While speaking at a local school for visually impaired youth, Matt runs into his childhood best friend, with whom he lost touch almost 20 years prior.

Warnings/Tags: No real warnings thus far -- This is going to be a pretty angst-free fic.

Word Count: ~6,300

A/N: Welcome to Angel of God, My Guardian Dear! This started out as a 1-shot and quickly spiraled out of control, as my thirst for Matthew Michael Murdock could not be contained.

For the purpose of this story, Reader is Catholic and grew up at St. Agnes with Matt.

Title is from the Catholic prayer "Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide, Amen."

"All set to go to Lavelle?" 

Matt Murdock turned his head as his friend and business partner, Foggy Nelson, came into his office. "Yeah, just need to finish up here and I'll be on my way."

"It was really cool of them to ask you to come speak," Foggy added.

Matt nodded. "I hope I can help these kids realize that their disabilities don't define who they are and that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be, including lawyers."

Foggy huffed out a laugh. "Or crime-fighting vigilantes?"

Matt grinned. "Well actually, there's probably only room for one blind crime-fighting vigilante in this city, so I probably won't suggest that as a potential career path."

Foggy patted Matt on the shoulder. "You're a great speaker, I'm sure you'll motivate the heck out of those kids. Have a good time, dude."

"Thanks, Fog."

Matt grabbed his briefcase, headed outside, then hailed a cab.

"Alright, where we goin'?" The cabbie asked.

"The Bronx," Matt answered. "Lavelle School for the Blind."

The cabbie tapped on a screen, presumably putting the address into his GPS. "Alrighty, just sit tight and we should be there in about half an hour."

Matt sat back as the cab began to move.  Think of it like a jury, Karen had said when Matt had told her and Foggy about the opportunity over a couple of pints at Josie's a few weeks before. Just a younger, way more judgmental jury.

Matt had laughed. Not helping.

You'll do great.

He mentally practiced his speech during the ride and before he knew it, the cab was pulling up in front of the school.

"Thanks," Matt said as he paid the cabbie.

"No problem," the cabbie replied. "Enjoy the rest of your day."

"You too."

Matt headed inside.

Almost immediately, a somewhat familiar voice asked him, "Hi, may I help you?"

Matt turned towards the voice. "Hi, yes, my name is Matthew Murdock. I'm one of the speakers for today?"

"Ah, yes, Mr. Murdock, I'm Dr. Bowman, we spoke on the phone."

Matt nodded, now placing the voice. "Right, right."

"We'll be in the meeting hall, which is straight down this corridor. If you'll just come with me…"

Dr. Bowman led Matt down to the meeting hall. "We really appreciate you taking time out of your schedule to speak to our students," she said as they entered.

"It's really not a problem."

"The students and their parents will be starting to arrive in a while, but if you'd like we could have someone escort you around to the exhibitor tables once they're all set up."

"Yeah, maybe."

"We have a Braille program if you'd like one -- it lists all the speakers and exhibitors for today."

"Yeah, I'd love one."

"Okay, one second."

Dr. Bowman stepped away for a minute then returned, handing Matt a booklet printed on Braille paper. "Okay, here you go."

"Thanks." Matt pointed to a nearby table. "Is it okay if I sit over here?"

"Yes, of course. Just let us know if you need anything."

"Will do."

Matt sat at the table and began to read the program. Staff, sponsors, speakers, exhibitors…

He began to read the exhibitor list. American Council for the Blind, representative Ashley Prewitt. VISIONS, representative Clay Markham. NYC Mayor's Office for People with Disabilities, representative Barbara Franklin. Andrew Heiskell Braille and Talking Book Library, representative Y/F/N Y/L/N --

Matt froze and read it again. Could it really be the same Y/N?

Y/N, who at 8 years old had taken 9-year-old Matt, who had just arrived at the orphanage, by the hand and declared that she would be his friend. Y/N, who had giggled when Matt had asked her a few days later if she was an angel and replied, 'no, silly, I'm a girl!' . Y/N, who had been Matt's fiercest protector and had gotten into almost as many fights as Matt himself had. Y/N, who would stroke Matt's hair softly until he fell asleep on the nights when he would sneak into her room because all the stimuli flooding his senses became too overwhelming. Y/N, to whom Matt had taught Braille so they could pass secret notes to each other without anyone else being able to read them. Y/N, who 17-year-old Matt had held while she cried the day they found out that Y/N had been taken in by her long-lost aunt and would be leaving Saint Agnes… and him. 

Y/N, his own personal guardian angel, the one person in the world Matt could tell everything to… except the one thing he had wanted to tell her most of all.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

"I don't want you to leave," he admitted quietly as he and Y/N stood at the entrance to St. Agnes.

"I don't want to leave either," Y/N replied. "I wish you could at least come with me."

Matt chuckled wryly. He had overheard one of the nuns talking to Ms. Y/L/N earlier that morning, warning her about 'that Murdock boy' and telling her how it was best for Y/N to be separated from him 'before he gets her into trouble'. "I don't think your aunt would go for that."

"Then can we run away together instead? We could travel the world, just you and me on the epic best friend adventure that we've always dreamed of." 

God, Matt wanted to say yes. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Y/N by his side, be it as his best friend or -- as he knew deep down in his heart -- something more.

However, Sister Bernadette had been right. Y/N really was an angel sent from on high who deserved all of the goodness in the world, and Matt… Well, Murdock boys had the devil in them.

He shook his head sadly. "Your aunt's waiting. You should go."

Y/N was quiet for a few moments. Finally, she said, "Before I go… I got you something."

She took Matt's hand and dropped a thin, wiry chain into his palm. "I saved up for six months to buy it from the church's gift shop. I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but…" She trailed off. "Anyway, think of me when you wear it, okay?"

Matt picked it up with his other hand. Attached to the chain was a small cross. 

He nodded. "I will. Thanks."

"I'll write to you, give you my aunt's address." Y/N pulled him into a tight hug then gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll miss you, Matty."

"I'll miss you too. Goodbye, angel."

Matt waited as half of his heart climbed into a cab and left, the note he had written to her the previous night still in his pocket.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Matt mentally shook his head. Don't get your hopes up. It may not be her.

…But deep down he knew it had to be.

He stopped someone who was walking by. "Excuse me, can you tell me if the representative from the Heiskell Library is here yet?"

"Umm…" the woman paused as she turned towards the exhibitor tables. "Yeah, actually, it looks like she's talking with Dr. Bowman at the moment."

"Okay, thank you."

"No problem."

As the woman walked away, Matt turned his head so he could listen in on the conversation.

"...So glad you could be here," Dr. Bowman was saying. "We really appreciate you taking time to come out and speak with our students and their parents."

"It's no problem, Dr. Bowman," the other voice replied. "I'm always happy to promote the library's services."

Matt sucked in a breath. It *is* her. 

Even after all the years that had passed since he had last spent time with Y/N he had never forgotten the sound of her voice, the times he had sat listening to her read to him still among his favorite memories.

Y/N and Dr. Bowman were wrapping up their conversation, so Matt stood and headed over towards them.

Either Y/N didn't notice that Matt was behind her or Matt had misjudged the distance between them, but Y/N turned around and bumped into him.

"Oh my gosh, I am so��sorry, sir, I--" Y/N gasped. "Wait, Matty?"

"It's just 'Matt' now, but yeah. Hi, angel." Matt was surprised at how easily his old nickname for Y/N slipped from his lips.

"Oh my God, hi!" Y/N wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "How are you? What are you doing here? Are you a teacher?"

Matt chuckled as he returned her embrace. "I'm well. I don't teach here, I'm actually one of the featured speakers."

"Oh, wow, that's wonderful."

"What about you? How have you been?"

"I'm well too, yeah. Oh my God, this is so crazy. Are you still in New York?"

Matt nodded. "Yeah, still in Hell's Kitchen. You know me, I'm loyal to my city. What about you?" 

"Yeah, Florida was okay, but New York is home. I'm actually in Midtown West now, so I'm not far." Y/N paused. "Hey, would you want to maybe grab dinner or a drink or something after this is done, and I dunno, like, catch up? It's totally fine if you can't, I just thought maybe --"

Matt quickly shook his head. "No, no, yeah, I'd love to."

"Great! I'll have to run back by the library to drop all of my stuff off but I can meet you wherever after that."

Matt thought for a moment. "You still like Italian?"

Y/N let out a light laugh. "Of course."

"Then how about Bellissima Italia, over on 9th and 44th? That's near there, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great."

"Will 6:00 work for you? I'll make a reservation."

"That would be perfect. Here, let me give you my number in case something unexpected comes up. It probably won't, but then again, this is New York -- you never know what kind of craziness is going to happen next."

Matt chuckled and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "That's very true."

He created a new contact and typed in Y/N's name, then added her number once Y/N recited it to him.

He hit the button to call her, hanging up after Y/N's phone began to buzz in her pocket. "There, now you have mine."

"Awesome. I have to get to my table, but I'll see you tonight?"

Matt nodded as the doors opened and people began to trickle in. "Yeah, definitely. See you tonight, Y/N." 

"Bye, Matt."

Wow, what are the odds? Matt thought as Y/N walked back over to her table. 

He pulled his phone back out and headed back into the hallway to make their reservation, then called Foggy.

"Yo, Matt, what's up?" Foggy said in greeting.

"Hey, Foggy, do you remember me telling you about Y/N back when we were in college?"

"Y/N, as in Y/N, your childhood friend from the orphanage who you talked about non-stop and are still hung up on 16 years later Y/N? 'The one that got away' Y/N? That Y/N?"

Matt chuckled. "Yeah, that Y/N. Well, I actually just ran into her. It turns out she's a librarian at the Heiskell Library and is here promoting their library services, so we made plans to have dinner and catch up after this is over."

"Oh, wow, that's actually really awesome, dude. You said she works at the Heiskell Library?" 

Matt could hear Foggy sit down at his desk and start typing on his computer keyboard. "Yeah."

After a moment, Foggy said, "Damn it."

"What is it?"

"I knew she was gonna be hot!"

Matt huffed out a laugh. "Did you seriously just Google her?"

"I wanted to see what she looks like! You're a hot woman magnet, so of course your old childhood friend is hot. Is she single? Because if you change your mind about her…"

Matt just chuckled. "Not gonna happen. If I even remotely still have a shot with Y/N, I'm taking it." 

"Eh, I was just kidding anyway. Good luck tonight, man. Hope she's everything you remember her being and more."

"Thanks, Fog. I'll talk to you later."

"'Kay. Bye, Matt."

Matt hung up and headed back inside, both excited and nervous to catch up with Y/N later that evening.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Matt smoothed down his hair for what seemed like the tenth time as he arrived at the restaurant for his catch-up dinner with Y/N. 

He took a deep breath and headed inside.

"Buonasera," the seating host said. "Welcome to Bellissima Italia. How many in your party, sir?"

"Actually, I have a reservation for two at 6, under 'Murdock'," Matt replied. 

"Ah, yes, sir. Your companion's already arrived. Right this way."

Matt followed the seating host to where Y/N sat.

"Matt, you made it," Y/N said, standing and giving Matt a hug.

She had changed from the blouse and slacks she had worn earlier into a silk dress that hugged her form, and underneath the subtly floral perfume she wore was her familiar natural scent that had never failed to relax Matt when he was overwhelmed. Even now he could feel his nervous energy starting to calm.

He returned her embrace. "Hi."

"Joseph will be your server tonight," the host said as they sat. "If you need anything let us know."

"Thank you."

Matt folded up his cane and stuck it in his jacket pocket. "I hope you haven't had to wait long."

"No, I just got here a few minutes ago."

Their server walked up to their table. "Good evening, my name is Joseph and I'll be taking care of you. What can I get you to drink?"

"Can I get a glass of Pinot Grigio and a water?" Y/N said.

"Certainly, ma'am. And for you, sir?"

"I'll take a glass of Merlot and a water as well, thanks."

"Okay, certainly. I'll get that taken care of for you while you get a chance to look over the menu."

"Do you know what you want, or do you want me to read the menu to you?" Y/N asked as Joseph left.

"Actually if you don't mind telling me what's on the menu I'd really appreciate it," Matt replied. "I didn't get a chance to check it out before I came."

"No, it's not a problem at all." Y/N picked up her menu. "Let's see…"

Matt listened intently as Y/N quickly read the menu off to him. He nodded. "Okay, thanks. I think I know what I want."

A few moments later Joseph returned with their drinks. "Okay, here you are. And are we ready to order?"

Matt nodded. "I'm ready. Y/N, you want to go ahead?"

"Yes, I'd like the gnocchi in cream sauce, please," Y/N said. 

"Okay, and for you, sir?"

"I'll take the chicken parmigiana, thanks." Matt picked up his menu and handed it to Joseph.

"Okay, I'll put those in for you right away."

"Wow, I still can't believe this," Y/N said as Joseph left once again. "It's been, what, almost 20 years?"

Matt nodded with a grin. "Yeah, something like that. And even after all this time, you still look exactly the same."

Y/N laughed. "I'm glad to know that you haven't lost your sense of humor."

She took a sip of water. "So, catch me up on the past 20 years."

Matt shrugged. "Not much to tell. Left St. Agnes at 18, went to Columbia and got a law degree, opened my own practice with my college roommate, and that's about it." Except for the fact that I also became a crime-fighting vigilante, sent a mob boss to jail, and took down a secret organization of ninjas.

"Not married, no kids?"

Matt shook his head. "No, never found the right person." Because I already had found her but was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt before she left. "What about you? What have you been up to?"

"Finished high school in Florida, got my bachelor's degree in sociology, did my MLIS, and became a librarian. Did five years as a special services librarian in Florida, two in Indiana, then I managed to get on with the Heiskell Library and have been there ever since."

"No marriage or kids for you either?"

"No kids, almost got married once but it didn't work out. Wasn't anyone's fault, we just weren't right for each other."

Matt nodded. "How's your aunt?"

"Oh, she's fine. She's still in Florida so I talk to her every few days. Wait till I tell her I ran into you."

Matt gave a wry smile. "I dunno if she'll be happy about that. She didn't like me."

"What do you mean she didn't like you? She didn't even know you."

"She didn't have to. She had heard enough about me from Sister Bernadette to form an opinion."

"Ugh. Sister Bernadette. She did always seem to have it out for you."

Matt shrugged. "Well, in all fairness, I was kind of a troublemaker."

Y//N laughed. "Yeah, but I was usually right there with you in whatever trouble you were making, if not starting the trouble myself."

Matt grinned and took a sip of his wine. "You mean like the time we stole that bottle of Communion wine out of the church storeroom?"

Y/N laughed. "You know, that was the first thing I mentioned during confession after I started going to church in Florida. Seal of Confession or not, I wasn't about to confess to Father Reynolds about it."

Matt grinned. "Afraid of a harsher penance?"

"Yes! It was bad enough having to say five Acts of Contrition and three Our Fathers that time I punched Bobby Neyland in the face for tripping you in the hall. I had already gotten detention and I had to apologize to him, what more did they want?"

They were interrupted by Joseph bringing their dinners. "Alrighty, we have the gnocchi over here, and the chicken parmigiana here. Careful, those plates are hot. Is there anything else I can get you two?"

"No, I think we're fine," Y/N replied. "Matt?"

Matt shook his head. "We're good for now."

"Okay, let me know if you need anything else."

"Will do."

"Anyway," Y/N said, "we weren't always getting into trouble. Most of the time we were perfect little angels."

Matt chuckled. "I think your memory is faulty. You may have been an angel, but I certainly wasn't."

"We did have some good times together though, didn't we, Matty?"

Matt nodded, the quiet times he got to spend with Y/N floating through his mind. "Yeah, we certainly did."

The conversation continued to flow easily as Matt and Y/N reminisced about their childhood, and the next thing Matt knew dinner was over.

"Will that be one check or two?" Joseph asked as he cleared their plates.

"Just the one check, thanks," Matt said, handing Joseph his credit card before Y/N could protest.

"Next time, I'm paying," Y/N replied as Joseph went to go take care of the bill.

Matt grinned, thrilled that Y/N had even mentioned a 'next time'. "Deal."

He signed the check once Joseph returned for the last time, then unfolded his cane as he and Y/N stood. "May I walk you home?"

He could almost hear the smile in Y/N's voice as she replied. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that." 

Matt extended his arm. "Then shall we?"

They left the restaurant together, the ease and familiarity they once shared still there.

"So, what made you decide to become a librarian?" Matt asked as they headed towards Y/N's apartment building. "Last I knew you wanted to go out and save the world by becoming a big-time CEO of a Fortune 500 company."

Y/N huffed out a laugh. "Um, well, actually, it was you." 

Matt's eyebrows raised. "Me?"

"Yeah. When it was time to start thinking about college I spoke to my guidance counselor and told her about how my best friend was visually impaired and how I'd sit and read print books to him because there weren't any Braille or audiobooks in the orphanage where we grew up, and so she told me about how there were actually special library services for people with visual impairments and that maybe I should look into special services librarianship since I seemed called to that."

"And do you like it?"

"Yeah, more than anything. Like a lot of people might think that being a librarian is boring or an obsolete job, but you should talk to some of my patrons, Matt. They're all alone with no family or friends nearby, so listening to these audiobooks are the only things that they have to do all day. It's actually kind of heartbreaking."

Matt nodded with a soft smile. Y/N really was an angel.

"And I know I'm not like, saving lives or changing the world or anything," Y/N continued, "like by being a doctor or by helping innocent people who've been wrongfully accused of crimes like you and your partner, but I feel like I'm at least helping people in my own way, you know?"

Matt turned towards Y/N as they stopped at a crosswalk. "You think you haven't saved lives? 'Angel' wasn't just a nickname, sweetheart. You befriended a lonely, scared, angry little boy with absolutely zero fucks given as to what anyone else thought, and to this day I'm still so damn grateful for whatever made you see me and decide, 'Yes, that one. I want him as my best friend'."

Y/N let out a watery laugh. "Honestly, it wasn't a tough decision. I knew from the moment I saw you that you were going to be way cooler than everyone else."

Matt smiled softly. "You were my guardian angel, Y/N. I certainly wouldn't have made it without you."

He reached up and gently swiped his thumbs under her eyes, wiping away the tears that had collected there. "You okay?"

Y/N nodded. "Yeah."

Matt slipped his hand into Y/N's and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

They continued on their way to Y/N's apartment, Y/N seemingly as reluctant to let go of Matt's hand as he was to let go of hers.

"What about you?" Y/N asked. "What drew you to law?"

"I want to fight injustice and keep Hell's Kitchen safe, protect the people I care about," Matt said simply. "Going through the legal system seemed the best way to do that at the time."

"And now?"

"What?"

"You said 'at the time'. What's the best way now?"

Being Daredevil, Matt wanted to say. Protecting those I can't protect through the law. 

He shook his head. "I just know that everything's not as black-and-white with the legal system as I once thought."

"Yeah, I get that." Y/N slowed down as they reached her apartment building. "This is me."

Matt nodded. "I'm really glad we found each other again."

"I am too -- I've missed you so much, Matt. I tried to write to you after I moved but all of my letters came back 'return to sender'. Eventually I realized that they were returning my letters, but by that time it was too late, and it's not like I could just call up Sister Bernadette and ask for your forwarding address."

Matt shook his head. "I knew it. I knew something weird was going on. I could tell she was lying whenever I asked her if I had any mail from you."

"I still have them."

"The letters you wrote me?"

"Yeah, they're in a box in my closet."

"Can I read them?"

"Yeah, sure. You want me to go get them or do you want to come up for a drink and we can read them together?"

Matt nodded. "A drink would be nice." More time I can spend with you.

"Okay, then. Come on in."

Y/N led Matt through the lobby to the elevator and up to her apartment. "Make yourself at home," she said as she unlocked her door. "Living room is straight ahead, just mind the coffee table when you go around the couch to sit."

Matt sat while Y/N moved around her kitchen. "What's your preference?" Y/N asked. "I have wine, hard cider, amaretto, whiskey, rum…"

"Whiskey is fine. On the rocks."

He could hear Y/N adding ice to a couple of glasses then opening a couple of bottles, then smelled the scent of sweet & sour mix. "Let me guess. Amaretto sour for yourself?"

Y/N paused in her pouring. "How'd you know?"

"I can hear the difference in the shape of the bottles, and I can smell the sweet & sour."

"You're good." Y/N closed the bottles and put the sweet & sour mix back in her refrigerator. 

She handed Matt his glass before setting hers down on the coffee table. "Here you go. Give me just a second, I'll go grab the letters."

Matt took a sip of his whiskey as Y/N retreated to her bedroom.

She returned momentarily with a box. "Ok so remember, I was 16 when I started writing these, so don't judge me if they're cringy."

Matt chuckled. "I won't, I promise."

Y/N opened the box and handed him a manila envelope. "Here, start with this one. I'm pretty sure they're still in the order I wrote them."

Matt opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of Braille paper. "Can you still read Braille?" he asked.

"Yep, can still write in it too, although Braille printers make everything a lot easier these days."

Matt set the piece of paper on the coffee table and began to read aloud. 

"September 30, 2002

Dear Matty,

Just got settled in at Aunt Ruth's house. My bedroom here is as big as both of ours at St. Agnes combined. 

Hoping I can convince Aunt Ruth to let you come visit soon, maybe during Thanksgiving?

By the way, my address is 4685 Sandpiper Blvd., Miami, FL 33190.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Y/N"

Y/N snorted. "Yeah, 'I'm sure you'll be able to get away from the orphanage for a week or so to come hang out with your bestie in Florida!' Man, was I naive."

Matt shook his head. "You didn't know. Neither of us could've known that they'd actually try to keep us apart."

Y/N picked up the next envelope. "Here, I'll read the next one."

Matt nodded. "Okay."

"October 21, 2002," Y/N began.

Dear Matty,

I must've done something wrong with the postage on my first letter, because it came back marked return to sender. Adding double to make sure this gets to you.

Aunt Ruth wants me to join some after-school clubs, make some new friends. I don't want *new* friends, though. I just want you.

Speaking of making new friends, you know that song 'make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold'?  Well, it's not true. You're way more precious to me than gold. You're more like… I don't know, the rarest and most precious substance on earth, whatever that may be.

Anyway, address is 4685 Sandpiper Blvd., Miami, FL 33190. Write me back!

Always,

Y/N"

Matt picked up the next envelope. "November 12, 2002.

Dear Matty,

Another letter came back return to sender. Don't quite know what I'm doing wrong, but hopefully this one reaches you!

School has been okay. Don't think I told you yet, but Aunt Ruth enrolled me in some fancy all-girls Catholic school. I'm really enjoying English class. We're reading The Crucible. Maybe next time we're together I'll read it to you. Think you'd like it.

Anyway, hope you're doing okay. I miss you.

Always,

Y/N"

Y/N laughed. "You know, my offer to read The Crucible to you still stands."

Matt grinned. "In that case I might have to take you up on it. You're still my favorite audiobook narrator."

He could hear the smile in Y/N's voice as she began to read her next letter. 

"January 10th, 2003.

Dear Matty (or is it just Matt now that you're the big 1-8?),

Happy birthday! I wish I could be there with you to celebrate. I wanted to surprise you and come visit, but Aunt Ruth said no. (Party pooper.)

I hope your day is amazing and that you get everything you wish for, because you deserve it! *Heart*

Miss you like crazy and I really hope to hear from you soon!

Always,

Y/N"

Matt shrugged. "My 18th birthday was fine, nothing overly special." I didn't get my wish, but now I know why.

He cleared his throat. "April 6, 2003.

Dear Matt,

I don't know if I did something wrong before I left and you're mad at me or if I'm just that inept at mailing a letter, but I just got a bunch of letters back unopened again. I really hope it's the latter because if it's the first, I don't know what I did but whatever it is, I'm sorry. Just please talk to me. I want my best friend back.

Y/N"

Matt's heart broke. Damn them. Damn them all to Hell for making Y/N think she could ever do something to make me not want her in my life. 

He finished his glass of whiskey before picking up the next letter.

"Want a refill?" Y/N asked.

Matt nodded. "Sure."

Y/N stood and went to make them each another drink while Matt read the next letter aloud.

"September 3, 2003

Dear Matt,

I don't even know why I'm still trying. You're 18 now, I'm sure you're not even at St. Agnes anymore. You're probably off to college and have made fancy new college friends, so even if this letter somehow reached you you probably wouldn't respond anyway, but I wanted to tell you goodbye anyway and to wish you good luck.

Y/N"

Matt's brow furrowed. "But there's more letters."

"Yeah." Y/N sounded hesitant as she set Matt's drink down on the table. "I never sent any of the rest though."

She picked up the next one. "December 9, 2003.

Dear Matt,

I'm sitting here in English class (well, not now since I'm writing this in Braille instead of standard print) and our bell assignment today was to write a letter to someone who is no longer in our lives. I'm sure the point is probably to write to someone who's dead, but whatever, I'll write to whomever the hell I want.

Aunt Ruth finally told me the truth: that St. Agnes had been returning your letters to me before you even got them. Needless to say, I'm furious. I don't understand why they would go to such lengths to keep us apart, or why Aunt Ruth would even agree to it.

I hope you don't think I never tried to get in touch with you, because the thought of you believing that I would just abandon you like that tears me up inside.

I miss you, Matt, and I hope you're doing well.

Y/N" 

Matt shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Y/N. I hate that you ever even had to think that I would ignore your letters."

Y/N reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. "It wasn't your fault."

They continued reading, Y/N telling him about getting into college, the classes she was taking each semester, graduation, getting into grad school and getting her library science degree, her first job as an official librarian… 

Y/N took a sip of her cocktail before starting the next letter.

"March 8, 2012

Dear Matt,

I've met someone . His name is Alex and he works in the I.T. department of the library. I think you two would get along -- you're a lot alike.

We've been dating for a few months now and things are going pretty well. I'll keep you posted as to where things lead.

Y/N"

Matt picked up the second-to-last letter. 

"January 13, 2013

Dear Matt,

Alex proposed, and I said yes. We're planning a fall wedding -- nothing big, just close family and friends.

I wish you could be there. I thought about asking Alex if he could look you up on the internet to see if he could find an address for you. Could you imagine? We haven't been in contact in over 10 years and suddenly you get an invitation to my wedding.

Crazy, right?

Y/N"

Even though Matt knew that things didn't work out between Y/N and her ex-fiancé, his stomach was still in knots as Y/N began to read her final letter.

"June 29, 2013

Dear Matt,

I ended my engagement with Alex today. We were touring wedding venues over the weekend but none of them felt right, and I realized this morning that it wasn't the venues that felt wrong, it was me.

You see, I can't marry Alex, not when-- " Y/N paused and took a deep breath.   "Not when I've been in love with you for most of my life."

Matt's brain screeched to a halt. What did she just say? 

"God, I'm so pathetic," Y/N continued, "pining over someone to whom I haven't even spoken in years. It's not fair to Alex to marry someone who's in love with another man and it's not fair to myself to keep holding on to something that I can never have. 

I guess I've kept writing to you in order to somehow hold on to you and to feel like we were still teenagers writing secret notes to each other, like maybe one day I'd have the courage to finally tell you how I feel.

I'll always love you, Matt, but maybe it's time for me to finally let you go.

Y/N"

Matt turned towards Y/N, who had picked up her drink and was currently draining it. "You were in love with me?"

Y/N remained silent, but the uptick in her heartbeat gave Matt hope. 

He took her glass from her and set it down on the table before taking her hand in his. "Y/N? Please, angel, talk to me."

Y/N took a deep breath. "I still am, Matt. I still love you. I never stopped."

Oh, thank God. "I love you too," Matt murmured. "I've loved you probably since the moment I met you, it just took me a few years to figure out what it was I was feeling." 

He pulled out the cross Y/N had given him out from under his shirt. "I've always kept you close to my heart, Y/N."

Y/N reached out and placed her hand on his chest, warming the metal cross pressing against Matt's shirt. "I was wondering if you still had that."

Matt nodded. "I've rarely taken it off in the past 20 years." 

He paused. "I was going to tell you I loved you the day you left for Florida. I had written you a note telling you how I felt."

"Why didn't you give it to me?"

"Right before I was going to I overheard Sister Bernadette talking to your aunt about how it was best to separate us so I wouldn't ruin your life, and I realized it definitely wasn't fair for me to tell you I loved you right before you moved a thousand miles away."

"What the hell? How would you have ruined my life?"

Matt huffed out a laugh. "Well, let's see, the exact phrasing she used was 'before he gets her into trouble'."

"Before you 'got me into trouble'? Wait, did she -- did she think we were sleeping together ?" Y/N sounded both horrified and amused.

Matt shrugged. "Well, she wouldn't have technically been wrong."

"Well no, but all we ever did was literally sleep together!"

"Maybe, but it's not like I never thought about doing the other kind of sleeping together with you."

Y/N gave a playfully scandalized gasp. "Why, Matthew, I certainly hope you went to confession for that."

"More than once." Matt chuckled. "I mean, I was a hormonal teenage boy who was hopelessly in love with my best friend, of course my thoughts drifted there from time to time."

Y/N was quiet for a moment. "I wonder if maybe someone saw you sneaking out of my room one morning and reported us, and that's why Sister Bernadette thought something was going on. She could've confronted us though instead of just shipping me off and keeping us apart for almost 20 years. So much wasted time, and over what was probably a complete misunderstanding."

Matt shook his head. "Angel?"

"Yeah, Matty?"

"I'm going to kiss you now."

Y/N sucked in a breath. "Uh huh, yeah, okay."

Matt reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand, then -- after over 20 years of longing -- gently pressed his lips to hers.

He leaned back, a smile spreading on his face as he caressed the matching smile on Y/N's with his thumb. "So, how about dinner again tomorrow night?"

Y/N hummed. "What, you don't want to lose touch for another 20 years and hope we randomly run into each other again?"

Matt shook his head with a laugh at Y/N's teasing tone. "No way, angel. I spent almost 20 years without you, so now that I've got you back in my life I'm not letting go."

[fountainpenguin]

i know youve mentioned that the dimmadomes have adhd but are there other characters in your fics that are neurodivergent? :0 if that makes sense

It's not usually mentioned in-story, but here are some that have shown up in my writing:

Humans

- You brought up the Dimmadomes having ADHD/OCD comorbidity. They're some of my favorites just in terms of me developing those headcanons somewhat separately for each one of them... starting with Dale, not Dev, actually. But Dev was a logical conclusion afterwards.

Detail I think is cute: Both Dale and Dev like Sims games because they like building nice, organized things that are under their control (Yes, Dev does have a computer in his bedroom and I imagine he uses it mostly for games). Dev likes cleaning and organizing simulators. Dale played a LOT of Sims during the 50 years of frozen time. I like to think Sims was an awakening for teen Dale in terms of same-sex relationships, but he will never, ever tell you that. Come to think of it, there's no way boy x boy manga-loving Dev is not also exploring same-sex relationships through his Sims world. Like father, like son?

Realizing how funny it would be if Doug had ADHD and OCD and that's why he jumps from one business to another and why his dream in "Mooooving Day" is a suburbia of people dressed in identical outfits living in identical houses in many identical rows still has me on the floor. I'm sorry, I just think my realization of that when I'd already headcanoned both Dale and Dev with ADHD/OCD was extremely funny. Big "Wait a minute" lightbulb moment.

Dale has several interesting things we could talk about, and they're discussed in detail in the character profile I'm posting for him next week. On his list are complex PTSD, hypervigilance, and dissociation. He also has misophonia as part of his OCD (and so does Dev).

- My OC Hadley Harrington also has ADHD/OCD comorbidity. Her big thing is hoarding OCD. I discussed it more in her character profile and we saw it in action in "50 Words of Dev and Hazel," where Dev dug through his mom's stuff to rescue an au pair that had been crushed under her hoard.

In that story, Dale told Dev he was allowed to go to a Christmas party with his peers as long as he brought back some of their wrapping paper so Dale could wrap Hadley's present. She actually likes her presents when they're made of scraps because the recycling helps her feel better than paper being wasted, plus she thinks it looks fun in videos, and Dale knows that. Just a little detail I thought was cute.

- Chloe has mild OCD. She sometimes has anxiety attacks and experiences dissociation.

- Timmy and Mikey Munroe are two other characters who have ADHD in my works and I LOVE playing them as foils for each other, with Timmy being less attentive and Mikey being more hyperactive.

- Mikey also has dyslexia (Heavily implied by canon where he struggles with the spelling bee), which is interesting. I am still obsessed that his crush (Sophie Sanders) seems to have dyscalculia. Boy who struggles with words, girl who struggles with numbers, what crimes will they commit?

- Peppy Happy Betty has severe anxiety. In the original version of "Solo" (which was posted and up for a while), she said Sanderson helped her through her self-harm struggles. I later tweaked it so she says she's been scratching herself as I didn't think the original phrasing fit with the rest of my T-rated content (and I didn't want to catch people off guard with it).

Pink and Gray is supposed to delve into her self-harm, which is part of why I plan to raise its rating when it comes off hiatus (and I'll update the tags accordingly). This is one of the stories that I expected to censor most from its original draft, but since I want to raise its rating for other reasons anyway, I'd like to explore her self-harm arc too. Carefully and with proper tags as mentioned. Betty gets into tattoos later as a way to redirect some of those feelings. I... think she has bat (Anti-Fairy) wings tattooed on her back, but I'll have to double check. Pretty sure it's bat wings.

- I'd also like to write Hazel as autistic- I've seen autistic writers talk about the many things they relate to with her and I like their portrayals.

- I've been waffling over making Kevin Crocker neurodivergent because it feels right to me, but I haven't nailed down exactly what I want to do with him. Open to suggestions, but still doing research and trying to find what feels right :)

Non-Humans

Disclaimer - My non-humans have non-human brains; I'm translating a few things from their in-universe diagnoses for clarity.

- Goldie has Harm OCD. Her species (will o' the wisps) are stereotyped as "damsels force drakes into harems" and she has a lot of paranoia regarding that.

Enter Goldie-Poof dubcon arc where Poof feels awful about expressing his relationship concerns to Goldie, knowing she'll panic about them, so he keeps hiding his feelings. "Watch and Learn" was a story where Poof broke up with Goldie, only to take her back almost immediately.

- Anti-Cosmo has bipolar disorder (hand in hand with mania, depression, dissociation, and hypersexuality). Specifically, he has a parallel of it that applies to his specific species- In-universe, he has multiple diagnoses for his condition.

Anti-Fairies refer to him as "having a lightning spirit in his head" (and those he grew up with used they/them pronouns for Anti-Cosmo in his youth because of this, in accordance with Anti-Fairy culture). Fairies diagnose him as "being a Fairy in an Anti-Fairy's body" since his mood changes are arguably similar to those of a drone without pheromone exposure.

In Fairy terms, Anti-Cosmo has divus displacement disorder, which is treated by rubbing pheromones on his face every day. This is referenced again in the sideblog post I'm putting up tomorrow (about pheromones), but Anti-Cosmo throws off a lot of people because he always smells different due to those pheromones. Fairies consider him to have a shifting identity and don't trust him.

- Anti-Cosmo's mother (Anti-Florensa) and brother (Anti-Robin Jr.) have a magical parallel of schizophrenia. His brother experiences hallucinations of the past while his mother has hallucinations about different future timelines.

Anti-Cosmo had a bad falling out with his brother around the time he figured out who he's a reincarnation of (Frayed Knots), as Anti-Robin's struggle to remember who Anti-Cosmo is in this lifetime (and react to him appropriately) strained their relationship.

In Anti-Fairy culture, they're also considered to have their souls entangled with nature spirits and are referred to as they/them by many people (though their enjoyment of being addressed that way fluctuates).

- Foop has dissociative identity disorder. I don't really have anything more to say about it. Lots of trauma going on there. Definitely some PTSD. And again, as an Anti-Fairy, his culture also diagnoses him as having a nature spirit tangled with his soul.

Unfortunately, Foop doesn't get a lot of the help he needs because Anti-Fairies tend to wave his situation off as a genetic condition rather than something trauma-related, seeing as several members of his family tree are also diagnosed with nature spirit conditions. This actually plays into why Foop connects with Fairy culture in a lot of ways (and why he has a pixie therapist, not an Anti-Fairy one).

- I think Poof has a little PTSD too and/or some anxiety, seeing as he had a panic attack at the end of "All I Ever Wanted" when talking about life with Goldie.

- Two characters of mine (a fairy named Rupert Roebeam and a pixie named Walter Keefe) have dysolfactya, which is a parallel of dyslexia I created for the inability to organize scents in your head (Not exactly the easiest thing to live with in a world that relies on pheromones to keep you from wandering into dangerous areas).

- I... usually refer to Longwood's and Poof's lack of interest in preening as a parallel of asexuality for a world where licking necks and faces is a big deal, but it's kind of interesting to think about. In-universe, they'd probably be diagnosed in some medical or psychological way.

Very pre-DSM update vibes, which absolutely fits the time period I have the cloudlands set in. Something akin to "diagnosed with critically low libido" for sure, but for licking.

- H.P. has OCD (Imo, this is implied by the song he sings in the Musical about how he doesn't hate the Fairies and doesn't want to take over, but can't stop himself from doing so because he "must cater" to his urge to be "the world's administrator," not to mention his insistence on 37-year plans).

He hates untidy notes- There are several scenes where he rewrites his entire note page because he doesn't like marks on his notes (including crossed-out words). He also has issues with lying and his athazagoraphobia (fear of being forgotten), leading to the winning combo of making it explicitly clear when he plans to enact a takeover plan. There's a whole thing about how he has to justify his takeovers in terms of "It's their fault for not stopping me; I warned them I'd do it."

H.P. also experienced zoochosis during his time at the Eros Nest (zoo run by Cupid's family), leading to repetitive behaviors with no clear end goal. That probably affects him even now in a PTSD-adjacent way.

There might be characters I didn't mention - I feel like I'm blanking on something Anti-Marigold experiences - but those are the ones that come to mind for FOP 'fics!

[daughter-of-sapph0]

The people arguing that "oh it's just a silly word don't be so mad" reminds me of the comic "Trigger Warning: Breakfast" and how even the simplest word can hold memories of trauma for someone else.

not to be too personal, but you're absolutely right. my experience isn't the same as everyone else, but I've specifically grown up and dealt with a shit ton of trauma.

I was raised and treated as a boy up until high school. but never one of "the boys". I was always an outcast. as young as first grade, I remember even the teacher saw me as something other than a boy. she said "they boys in this class are way too loud" and when I said I wasn't talking, she said "oh not you, I was referring to the Boys". the few friends I had treated me differently than the other boys at school. I was constantly told I wasn't allowed to enjoy something or participate in an activity because it wasn't for me. I was excluded by boys and girls my age.

I was called a faggot in 2nd grade. at that time I didn't even know what being gay was. it certainly wasn't talked about the same as it is today, and definitely wasn't mentioned to 8 year olds. but I remember it, as clear as day. Marcus called me a faggot because I committed the unforgivable homosexual crime of wearing velcro shoes. I didn't even know it was supposed to be bad at first. when I told a teacher "Marcus said my shoes make me a faggot. what does that mean?" they wouldn't tell me, and instead said I should learn to tie my laces.

I went to a small catholic middle school. there were 18 kids in the entirety of 6th grade. I don't know why or how, but most of them found some aspect of my personality to hate and use against me. "you like Nintendo games? you draw anime? you play with Legos? you don't like basketball? you answered a question in class too quickly? you've never had a girlfriend? your uniform is a handmedown? well then you're just a faggot. a downey (a nickname they had for people with down syndrome). a pussyboy. a cocksucker. a retard. an n word (I was white, and so was everyone else in my grade, so this one made the least sense).

I told my dad that I was being bullied because I didn't play basketball. instead of defending me, calling the school, teaching me strategies to deal with bullying, or even just showing an ounce of support... he taught me how to fight and forced me to sign up for basketball. I played basketball for all three years of middle school. jv in 6th grade, varsity in 7 and 8th. I sucked. I scored maybe 20 points in all my games throughout the entirety of three years. I was the shortest player, not athletic at all, had terrible hand-eye coordination, and just outright sucked. I wanted to quit every single day. I skipped going to practice and hid in the bathroom. I never felt like I was part of the team. they always excluded me. the coach gave me about five minutes of game time out of pity, only at the end of a game and only if we were losing terribly. every other time I was on the bench the entire game. not that I cared. I'd rather not play at all.

I got a girlfriend in 7th grade mainly out of peer pressure. there was a girl I liked in the 6th grade, who I'm just gonna call P for privacy reasons. me and P were really close friends. we liked the same video games and youtubers and shows and music and art. she was super creative and funny. although neither of us knew why, she was bullied as much as I was. looking back, we both had severe undiagnosed autism and adhd. I never really liked her romantically though. I thought she was nice and really wanted to hang out with her and I even kissed her a couple times. but I really wasn't interested in women at the time. when I told her, we had a huge break up that summer, they told everyone I cheated on them, and we didn't talk at all for most of my 8th grade. eventually we got back together, and were friends in high school. it seems really mean to say that the only reason I dated her was to stop people from calling me gay. but it was part of the reason why I did date her.

I was in chorus in middle school. I was a pretty good singer and had a nice range. I was always bullied because of it, but I didn't care. chorus met every month at one of the catholic high schools. it was a big meeting of people from all the catholic schools in the county. and at the end of the year there was a big performance. it was the one thing about catholic school I actually honestly enjoyed.

there was one kid who was probably the biggest bully. Jacob was the only person shorter than me, and was probably bullied just as bad as I was when he was back in 5th grade before I arrived. and he took out all his anger on me. constantly picking on me, punching me, slapping me. he used to sit behind me on the bus and poke my head. I tried to move seats and change busses. but nothing worked. one day, I was fed up. I used my father's advice and slapped him in the face. not hard, but enough to say "stop fucking with me".

Jacob ran home crying. he told his parents, and his parents called the school, and the school called my parents. I was suspended for a week, because I lightly slapped a bully in the face after he repeated punched me and called me a retarded faggot pussyboy. even though I told teachers and parents multiple times that Jacob was a problem, no one cared until he started crying.

I was forced to write a handwritten apology to him. I fell behind after being out of school for a week. I was forced to quit chorus. I had to call my grandma, who was dying with cancer at the time, that I wouldn't be at the chorus concert she had been looking forward to all year.

I attempted suicide twice. once by cutting, once by hanging. I felt like shit. I felt like no one, not even my own parents, cared about me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. after one of my teachers got aggressive with me and pulled my arm too hard, I tried to run away from home. I was too afraid to tell them what happened, because either they wouldn't believe me, or I'd get in trouble for being a victim of abuse. to this day, I've never told my parents that one of my teacher's grabbed me. but I do know that the particular person in question is no longer a teacher, and also probably dead too.

I went to a public high school. not too many people from middle school went to the same high school, but a few did. namely P and Jacob. freshman year was rough. I took chorus class, but did really badly in my other classes. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had major major major depression. near the end of that year, my mom took my to a psychiatrist. they prescribed me vyvanse and lexipro. at first I didn't want to take any pills. I had the horrible idea in my head that they would change me and make me a different person. but eventually I did start taking them. my suicidal thoughts went away, my grades improved, and I started making more friends.

sophomore year was much better. I hung out with P and friends from chorus a lot. I took an art class with the best teacher ever. I started to explore my sexuality since I finally had a support system. I became more active on tumblr and remade my blog which I still have to this day.

about halfway through the year, there was a school shooting. it happened right in front of my art classroom. I saw someone get shot and fall to the floor. as our class hid, hearing the paramedics desperately try to save a girl from being shot through her skull, and armed cops storm the halls, I cried and wondered how this could happen, and why it was happening to us. because someone was shot right in front of our classroom, they had to clean up the hallway before we were allowed to evacuate. eventually we were moved to a different room, but not before being escorted by a tile floor stained red with blood. I found out that a classmate of mine, J, was shot in the head and was in the hospital in critical condition. another boy was shot in the leg and injured. and the shooter killed himself. I held out hope that J would survive. when I heard that she was taken off life support, I stopped taking my pills, and regressed back into depression.

school was canceled for about a month after that. everyone was hurt. our entire class was given therapy. I spent years trying to get the image of a dead body out of my head. I looked for support everywhere I could. I was active on a social media platform called google plus at the time, which was like if reddit and 4chan had a baby, and that baby was a website populated by 13 year olds who made an account to comment on youtube videos and decided "you know what? what the hell. I'll use this". it was absolute hell. when I talked about my experience and survivor's guilt, I was bullied and harassed and called a liar and told to kill myself for trying to "take away people's guns".

eventually, I met a friend in my Spanish class. his name was T. and he helped me through a super rough time in my life. we were close, both identified as pansexual, liked the same video games, and both used tumblr. we soon started dating, and he helped me learn more about transgender people. it was at this time I started to identify as nonbinary. no one treated me like I was a boy, so why should I be bothered to identify as one? this was so freeing. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I started going to my local PFLAG meetings and talking about my experience with others. meeting other queer people, both in school and out of school, helped me feel... normal.

junior year was healing for me. I started driving lessons, took chorus again, took an art class with T, and spent more time with him. eventually, I started to realize that being nonbinary wasn't right for me. I wondered if I could identify as a trans woman, but felt I didn't deserve to. I didn't want to play into the autogynophile myth, and I felt like wanting to be a woman was something that other people deserved but not me. being online during the rise of jkr's hate movement against trans people did not help at all. but with tons of love and support, T helped me, and I started publicly using she/her pronouns at school.

I told my mom, and I'll always remember the day I came out to her, Feb 7th 2019. the day I started living. she started taking me to her woman's group therapy, and there I spoke with a therapist who diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and recommended I start hormones as soon as possible. I was put on a wait list, but had no idea what the time frame would be like.

coming out to my dad was worse. he was cutting fish on the back of his truck with a huge knife. I told him "hey, the reason my is taking me to her therapy sessions. it's because I think I might be a woman. I think I'm transgender." and after a pause, I told him "I'm sorry" before running inside and crying. for the briefest of moments, I was worried he would hurt me with the knife. I know now that he would never do such a thing. but I at the time I was scared of him and how he would react.

that summer, me and T broke up since they were going away for college, but we remained friends. it was also around this time where I started to learn a bit about kink and s&m. I also changed my blog name to daughter-of-sapph0 at this time I'm pretty sure.

summer ending quickly, and I started senior year. I was dual enrollment, which meant I took high school classes in the morning and courses at community college in the afternoon. I had some amazing high school teachers, but was unfortunately stuck with Jacob for two of my four classes. I also took sociology and art courses at college. I was starting to feel better about myself. it was around this time that I started looking into Judaism as a religion, and considered converting.

around the end of 2019, I was pretty active online. I had a decent presence on twitter, mostly in telling transphobes and nazis to kill themselves. my main claim to fame is calling Graham Lineham a sad pathetic wet fart who spends his time jerking off to tranny porn and then going on twitter and saying we deserve to die. he replied to me directly and called me a groomer, despite me being 17 at the time. I pointed that out, and asked him if calling minors "pedophiles" on twitter is why his wife left him, only to be blocked by him immediately after. that was honestly my proudest moment ever.

it was also around this time that I made the worst mistake of my life. I posted a selfie on a lesbian subreddit, and received a few positive comments, mainly from other trans lesbians. and then I had my first ever stalker. this person harassed me everywhere. I complained to the mods, but all they could do was ban them from the subreddit. they somehow managed to find my tumblr, and then my twitter. they made multiple accounts and sent me rape and doxx threats daily. I tried reporting them everywhere I went. when I spoke out and went public about my abuse and stalking and harassment and rape threats, they called me a liar and started a smear campaign against me on twitter. I went pretty inactive on tumblr, completely remade my twitter, and never touched reddit again. eventually, the harassment slowed down.

I had been out as a woman for about a year now. the misgendering and harassment at school was infrequent, but manageable (okay that's a lie). but I do have one positive memory. me and a few other seniors had permission to drive to school. one of those seniors was Jacob. and he drives like a fucking asshole. him and his friend both drive at the exact same speed on the only two lane road, making it impossible for me to pass. one day I tried to pass my driving in the median, only for them to speed up. I needed to get up to like 80mph before I was able to safely pass one of them. the other one quickly sped up and passed me. as the road changed to one lane, I was trapped between them, as one of them constantly break checked me and the other tailgated me. after I got home safely, I got both their plates and reported them for irresponsible and reckless driving. idk if anything came of it. but the next day I asked Jacob's friend if he drives a red truck because his driving sucks. he said he didn't, some other short white boy did. I said "oh sorry. you two look exactly the same, so I can't tell you apart" and he came up with the incredible comeback "you look like a girl", to which I responded "yes, thank you for noticing." this was honestly the proudest moment of my life.

the second half of my senior year was going pretty well. really the only things that could ruin it are a spike in transphobic violence, my stalker coming back to harass me even more, and a massive society-halting pandemic that puts everything on pause and ruins my dreams of college and sends me into a depressive spiral that I try desperately to heal through sex. good thing that wouldn't happen. right?!?

I'd write more, but I'm exhausted. it's late for me right now. I'm sorry for using this anon to traumadump and give my whole life story, but I feel it's important to share.

I have ptsd. I've struggled with trauma and depression and suicide my entire life. I've constantly been seen as lesser, unworthy, disgusting, horrible, wrong. sometimes it's big things like constant bullying or rape threats or someone trying to kill my while driving. other times is as simple as a single word.

I'll refrain from giving the 2020-2024 life story for right now. but I hope that reading this at least gives you a bit of insight into the trauma that I had to deal with growing up. and I'm one of the lucky ones. I have supportive parents and friends and therapy and hormones and basically everything I need to survive. and I still attempted suicide multiple times, I still have trauma, I still was harassed and threatened and stalked. imagine how much worse it is for other people who aren't as fortunate as me.

it's "just a word". if it's so small and meaningless, then you can just choose to not use it. it's not that hard. we're asking, begging, for the bare minimum level of respect here. and you can't even give us that.

[cyanide-latte]

OC ASKS POUNDS FISTS

For my favorite kitties and anyone else who wants to speak up!

What would your OC say their greatest strengths/flaws are? Do you agree with them?

What's your OCs favourite flower? Would it be realistic for them to grow it in their room/on the dorm somewhere?

Can they be trusted in the kitchen? What's their favourite food?

What DnD class would your OC be? (or fantasy trope character if you aren't familiar with DND classes)

Aaahhh, thank you~! This should prove interesting!

What would your OC say their greatest strengths / flaws are? Do you agree with them?

Marianne: "Strengths? Hm. My compassion and my zest for life, darling. As for my flaws, I've hardly grown enough into being a proper lady. I still have plenty to learn and more growing to do." (I don't necessarily disagree with these, though I would add she continues to baffle me and that qualifies as both. Also that feels like a weird humblebrag.)

Toussaint: "Well, I don't know if you'd call it a strength necessarily, but I do try to keep an open mind about things. Oh, and I've been told I've got a gift for reassuring others, and for networking people together! Perhaps those are strengths? As for flaws, I am a bit more sure about those. Is that sad? I know I second-guess my choices a lot, and I struggle to reconcile in my mind when someone I care about hurts me and I never expected them to. I mean, how do you move forward with confidence then? It's difficult, and I tend to get discouraged very easily by that." (I'd personally say that one of Tea's strengths is his kindness and his willingness to see the good in others as much as possible. A big flaw of his is that he can be too trusting and often naive. He definitely does have an open-minded nature among his strengths as well.)

Bertrand: *loud shrugs* "The major flaw is that I am an asshole. The strength is that I'll readily admit it." (...ugh. Rand's greatest strength is probably his loyalty and devotion to the very few people he lets in. His flaws are numerous, and I'd say a big one, if not the biggest, is that he's in denial that he needs therapy.)

What's your OC's favourite flower? Would it be realistic for them to grow it in their room/on the dorm somewhere?

Mari: Apple blossoms. She answered that so immediately and I don't even know why. Not exactly realistic to grow in her room at home or her room at Dame Rose University though.

Tea: Water lilies! Also not realistic to grow in his rooms, though he likely takes the time to tend any he sees growing at school or near their home in Fleur City!

Rand: Not a flower exactly, but he does grow aloe plants, especially aloe vera! He was given one to tend when he was younger and while he initially didn't see the point, learning that most aloe plants have a lot of practical uses for medicine and various sorts of healthcare kept him interested. Since their great-grandmother often uses homemade soaps containing aloe extract, a big secondary reason he grows them is for her.

Can they be trusted in the kitchen? What's their favorite food?

None of the Anatole siblings should be left in a kitchen unsupervised. The least disastrous is Toussaint, as he actually wants to learn how to cook and prepare food himself, but even then he's best kept monitored as he learns. Mari loves strawberry shortcake, Tea loves freshly baked cookies, and Rand is partial to fancy dessert pies. Sweet tooths, all three of them.

BONUS FROM THE NEXTGEN: also do not let Talesin in a kitchen unsupervised. He won't burn it down or anything but he will commit food crimes on purpose. He loves any food made by Uncle Jamil.

What D&D class would your OC be?

Oh, you're getting a lot of them for this one, I think about this constantly!

Marianne Anatole: bard

Toussaint Anatole: paladin

Bertrand Anatole: multi-class sorcerer/fighter

Copper Benoit: multi-class gunslinger/rogue

Wei Renqiao: multi-class artificer/monk

Wei Xinyi: multi-class monk/fighter

Chrysanthos Shroud: multi-class artificer/cleric

BONUS- Ilias Shroud: warlock

BONUS- Kallisto Shroud: multi-class cleric/ranger

BONUS- Wei Gang: multi-class monk/paladin

The list of questions

Taglist: @blithesharem @tixdixl @inmateofthemind @ramshacklerumble @elenauaurs

@rainesol @distant-velleity @thehollowwriter @theleechyskrunkly (message me if you want to be added to the taglist for stuff with my TWST OCs!)

[dee-in-the-box]

happy pride month, y'all! have some pride headcanons!!

none of these people are straight and/or cis to me. they've all got some weird queerness going on with them

Jack: transmasc (he/him mostly, but probably wouldn't mind they/them that much), bisexual. could see him being acespec, but sex favorable or indifferent. polyamorous.

Dave: nonbinary in a "i don't understand gender and idgaf about it" way (he/him, but honestly doesn't care. probably would find out about it/its pronouns and love those), pansexual. teach this guy about xenogenders i think he'd love those too. polyamorous (i can see it).

Peter: transfem bigender (he/she), and honestly doesn't know what her sexuality would be considering his weird gender situation (look, he grew up in the 50s-60s. the most exposure to the queer community she had was through Jack, and that wasn't. A Lot). me personally? i'd say lesbian. because Fuck It, Why Not?

Dee: technically cis because she never got to grow up and figure that stuff out (she/her), but i could see her growing up and being on the spectrum of GNC or Genderqueer (the genderqueer part is Definitely not me projecting (< lie)). also aroace (repulsed on both ends)

Henry: cis man (he/him; the first entirely cis person here), bisexual. listen. i heard that thing that was like. DD originally said he was bi but then changed it to straight after getting hate for it for some reason, and i decided to make it a situation where Henry just like. Acknowledged it was a thing for him but didn't really give any fucks because he busy Committing Crimes Against Humanity. everyone thinks he's straight though, 'cause he never mentions it (again, busy with Other Things. such as Causing Problems).

Steven: cis man (he/him), gay. This Is The Shortest Fucking One. also, Steven is the shortest adult of the cast; he's 5'5".

Harry: masc nonbinary dude (he/they), bisexual, polyamorous.

Jake: cis man (he/him), graysexual panromantic, polyamorous.

Roger: probably got some genderfuckery there, but i'll just say A Dude (gender neutral) for now (he/him), gay (as in Likes Men Or Masc-Leaning People), polyamorous. didn't realize the Gay & Poly Part until Dsaf 3. You'll Never Guess How He Found Out!

Rebecca: transfem (she/they/xe), and just queer in general. not exactly poly, but she doesn't mind Harry's...other partners (Jake and Roger). it's sort of a "This is my boyfriend, and this is my boyfriend's boyfriends! ^-^" situation.

and for a few others:

Caroline: cis woman (she/her), cupioromantic (aromantic micro-label; basically means that you don't feel romantic attraction, but still desire a romantic relationship) heterosexual. she still loves Peter, her love just isn't necessarily "romantic." i'd describe it more like queerplatonic. she got married to Peter because she does genuinely care for him and love him, but also because...well, it was what was expected of her. besides, she doesn't mind being married, it's actually pretty nice. Caroline's as close as y'all are going to get to a cishet Dsaf character from these headcanons.

Matt: transmasc agender (he/him), aroace (romance indifferent/favorable (see: "I'm Matt! Everybody loves me!"), sex indifferent/repulsed (do i even need to explain it? i think we know why this was what i picked for him).

now, fun facts!!

Jack actually doesn't experience a lot of dysphoria, just upset that he doesn't have a dick. he doesn't even mind the boobs too much (except that they make people think he's a woman; that part sucks), he'd probably just like a binder. wouldn't mind top surgery, but y'know. Binders Are Easier To Get And Cheaper Than That.

Dee is romance repulsed in terms of herself for the most part (as in the idea of being romantic herself grosses her out). except for Davesport. she told Jack and Dave to "get a room" multiple times in the Flipside.

Blackjack technically has the same labels as Jack, but y'know. Ghost Dog.

Henry doesn't understand why so many queer people work at Fazbender's (Jack, Steven, Peter, etc) because he just. keeps killing them. not due to the queerness but because They Keep Getting In His Way. what is it about the Chuck E Cheese rip-offs that attracts the gays?? Is It The Bears?? Is It The Fucking BEARS??? (i had to make the joke. i had to)

Modern Day Queer Discourse would piss Jack off. he was alive in the 60s and 70s when that shit was getting more mainstream. he's effectively a queer elder, technically (even if he kinda sorta Looks perpetually twenty-two because he kinda can't age anymore). he's seen some shit. i can see him saying on someone's "He/Him Lesbians Aren't A Thing >:(" post "my bigender brother is a lesbian, though. he's got a wife" and then logging off. you can't tell me he wouldn't

I Stand By My Statement: None Of The Kennedy Siblings Have A Normal Relationship With Gender. They Just Don't.

Jack just uses a lot of slurs for himself. he's got. So Fucking Many that he can reclaim (because y'know. Gay/Bi and Trans. and he was alive during the 60s and 70s. so you can only imagine the shit he's heard or had thrown at him).

the first time in his life that Dave ever had to worry about gender stuff was when Henry was having to like. fill out paperwork and things like that to get him an ID of some kind. when they got to gender, Dave didn't really know why that was important, nor what would really fit. they just put "male" on there because technically that would "fit him best" (since he, y'know. has a dick), but Dave didn't feel like either option fit.

i feel like Jack went to a pride event/parade sometime before Dsaf 3. like, maybe he finally felt comfortable actually going there and being out safely for the first time in his life. it was nice.

Caroline helped Peter with her makeup after she came out, and with growing his hair out.

after coming home post-Dsaf 2, Peter actually tried some dresses out. they also found out a way to still put eyeliner on him. and that was using a Sharpie to draw under her phone dial to look like eyeliner. hey, it works.

Peter never got comfortable enough to wear lipstick before he died, though :( so she never got to experience that

Jack: "If I had a nickel for every time I was someone's gay awakening, I'd have three nickels. Which isn't a lot, but how does this keep happening-" (the three people in question are Dave, Jake, and Roger)

i have so many more istg, but this post is getting long. might talk about some more if anyone's interested, though!