#I'M SO STRESSED OUT FOR THEM NOW
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Zionists want you to conflate Judaism and Zionism. Zionists want you to believe that Judaism cannot exist without Zionism and that all Jews are Zionists. Zionism would have Jews believe that a Jewish state is the only way that they can be safe from antisemitism and will point to any instance of antisemitism as proof that Zionism is the solution- so Zionism wants gentiles to be antisemitic in their support of Palestine. They want you to conflate all Jews with Zionism and the state of Israel, and they want you to treat all Jews regardless of political affiliation as the face of Israel. Antizionist Jews exist, and incidences of antisemitism ostensibly acting against Zionism will not help dismantle the forces propping Zionism up.
Don't do their work for them.
#red rambles#viva palestina#antizionism#i haven't actually seen a lot of antisemitism personally. not recently anyway. but that's more a feature of me not following antisemites#i DO however see a lot of people talking about the people they're seeing throw their support behind antisemites using palestine#as an excuse to conflate all jews with israel#and i cannot stress enough that that is literally what israel and zionist forces abroad WANT.#i am jewish. my entire family is jewish. i want to see palestine free. and i have SEEN how the jewish community gets conflated with israel#both from the inside and out#and i am dead serious when i say that every time someone is antisemitic it strengthens the conviction from people abroad#that it's a terrible sad situation but there's 'no other choice'#if you're being antisemitic you are doing the enemy's work for them. Stop it.#like... look. i am putting this in the tags bc im talking in the tags but i mean this. I do not give a single flying fuck if you personally#are a giant raging antisemite at the moment. Your personal beliefs are your problem and not mine. I do not fucking care. But if you are#being openly and loudly antisemitic *in your support of palestine* you are absolutely not fucking helping. I am so dead serious right now#if you want to raise awareness and you're being antisemitic because of deep held beliefs or whatever i want you to look around and read the#fucking room. Do you understand how much of Israel's international support comes from the idea that they are the only country where jews ar#safe from antisemitism? do you see how every time palestine comes up people point at incidences of antisemitism in anti-genocide actions to#discredit the entire movement? do you not understand how your actions are cutting the movement down at the knees?#i'm jewish and proud of it. i don't like antisemitism. but there's a genocide on and i'd rather work against it than quibble over who i#work alongside. i dont fucking care. you can be as antisemitic as you like in private. stop fucking the movement up.#there are bigger things to worry about here. if i can put aside my own concerns as to who i'm talking to you can hold your tongue#and fight the good fight instead of handing weapons to the people who are trying to fucking flatten gaza.
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wait okay I haven't seen anyone talk about this yet (and I'm really sorry if this has been brought up before, to my knowledge it hasn't, but obviously I haven't seen every single post ever), during "perfect revenge" when they first go into the dead fish layer thing whatever, and around the time where uliana says "find that perfect, perfect revenge"
HADES LITERALLY GRABS ONTO MORGIE'S SHOULDERS AND DOES A LIL JUMP?? AND HE'S SMILING AND HE SEEMS SO HAPPY HE JUST DOES A JUMP LIKE
it's soo cute 😭 honestly in my opinion it feels super out of character for him, idk why it was even included but like maybe it shows a part of hades that's super bubbly, which he tries to mask with his apathetic, uninterested demeanor?
but the way he jumped on morgie's shoulders in particular, makes me wonder more about their dynamic? like is it because morgie's so bubbly that hades is like that around him too? and the way that morgie was quick to agree to hades's "yeah let's burn her to a crisp" makes me wish we got to see more of them. like imagine hades always acting so tough and unconcerned around maleficent, but finally letting loose and being super excited and happy when he hangs out with morgie.
anyways just a thought, I figured it would be nice to point it out and see what you guys think about it. that's all for now! :))
(also now I can't get the idea out of my head where hades is being all chill to maleficent like "yo imma go hang out with morgie" and she's like "okay whatever" and then cut to hades hanging out with morgie where they're both squealing and jumping up and down like a pair of teenage girls while one of them spills the tea 😭 I'm sorry I can't this is too funny 💀 I actually need a fic about this like this is some top-notch villain behavior fr)
#I was trying to watch hades's scenes to figure out how to write for his character#and I stumbled upon this gem#but now I'm even more confused about his personality#I honestly don't know how he should act#bro's super hard to figure out frfr#the hardest thing is trying to write for characters that you barely get any content for#because then it's like I don't know them well enough to be able to decide what they'd do in a scenario#which makes actually writing them really difficult#plus I'm always stressing that my writing is super ooc for whoever I'm writing for so that's not very fun#lilac’s rants#descendants#descendants the rise of red#descendants 4#d:tror#the rise of red#rise of red#hades#hades descendants#descendants hades#young hades#descendants young hades#morgie#morgie le fay#descendants morgie#descendants morgie le fay#perfect revenge#descendants perfect revenge#teen hades#d:tror vk#uliana's crew
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[ * hey hello quick announcement I vibe with proshippers now (I have sorta nuanced views but I'm closer to being proship and I'm comfy hanging out with them so. If you don't vibe with that there's the three dots in the top right corner of this post, click that and it should give you the option to block me) ]
Edit 2: [ * HEY WHY DO I HAVE MORE FOLLOWERS NOW. THAT AIN'T RIGHT. THAT DOESN'T ADD UP. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT. I THOUGHT MORE PEOPLE WOULD UNFOLLOW AND MAYBE BLOCK. ]
#cw shipcourse#tw shipcourse#<- [ * just in case ]#[ * I won't be posting any darkships on this blog though so dw this blog is going to be squeaky clean of that ]#[ * though tbh i already don't really post any shipping at all (minus tsn) LMAO i just draw Ink being a silly awesome guy ]#[ * this will stay on pinned for maybe a couple of days ]#[ * rude asks will get blocked. no hesitation ]#[ * just REALLY needed to get this off my chest because keeping this hidden (i didn't have a support network specifically for this but now#do) has torn my mental health to shreds like. i had to pull the vent animation card kinda shreds. ]#[ * i won't be posting about shipcourse either . stresses me out ]#[ * anygays. back to our regular schedule of cool Ink arts ]#edit: [ * I MEANT WEEKS I'M KEEPING THIS PINNED FOR AT LEAST A WEEK ]#edit 2: [ * There's a few recent ones which do have proship dni which... man... how do i tell you this... ]#[ * i avoid interacting with them though but since this is kinda a bit of a Situation ig I'm giving them the option of whether to block me-#or not ]#[ * because again no darkships on this blog ]#[ * anyway yapfest over ]#[ * yet ANOTHER edit: i am in fact a darkship enjoyer but. again I don't post that stuff here !!!!!!!!! ]#[ * just wanted to clear that up if that somehow modifies things ]
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Being unable to deal with unfairness/injustices will eventually kill me
#i wasn't made to be into kpop because sometimes a big group of people will make up facts about your faves#and they will spread so fast it becomes a common sense of how 'problematic' they are even if they're not#and this stresses me out because it's so freaking unfair#imagine having such a long prosperous career but the teens found a video of you in 2007 and you said idk a slur you weren't supposed to say#you already apologized for it but nope no one cares they only care about that thing you said and you don't even think like that anymore#but now you're the villain#this is so twisted and unfair but i can't bite people because I'm an adult#<- this post was brought to you by the third eldest grandchild of a family of 12 cousins and half of them are kpop teens#it's unbearable btw#nonsims#non sims
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when i first started watching 9-1-1, i was so excited to join the fandom.
s3 had just finished airing, so there was already plenty of fan content available, and i hurried over to ao3 and started reading the fics with the most kudos.
one of the very first ones i read involved Hen reaming Buck out for rescuing someone who didn't have a chance of surviving afterward. it felt oddly familiar, and then i realized—they basically copied the speech Gerrard gave in Hen Begins when she saved that woman in a landslide. they took the abuse that Hen endured because she was black woman, and gave it to Buck. took the words out of a racist misogynist's mouth and put them in Hen's, made her the abuser, just so Buck could be the victim.
that was one of the most popular fics at the time. that was my introduction to the 9-1-1 fandom. and unfortunately, it set a precedent for what to expect from it.
one of the next fics i read involved Buck's relationship with his father. this was before Buck Begins aired and we learned what his actual backstory was, so people liked to invent tragic backstories for him. nothing wrong with that in itself. except as i read this fic (another of the most-kudos'd at the time), i started to realize—they hadn't invented a backstory for Buck. they'd just stolen Chimney's and given it to him. because apparently the story was more tragic or meaningful if it happened to Buck instead of the asian man. (and as i recall, Chimney was made out to be a real jerk in that fic, too.)
and so it continued.
after that introduction, i always stayed on the fringes of the fandom. i still read some fic—obviously, not everyone was like that, and there were a lot of really good fanworks! but i didn't really engage beyond that. as i read more fic, another pattern was emerging: the fandom's treatment of women.
9-1-1 is far from the only fandom to have this problem. in several fandoms with popular mlm pairings, there is a lot of mistreatment of female characters, especially ones who are viewed as a "threat" to the pairing. but the way people reacted to these characters—namely, Abby, Taylor, and Ana—was somehow astounding to me. obviously none of them were perfect people—what character is?—but i couldn't imagine anything they'd done warranting the reaction i saw from fans. i had liked them as characters for the most part! i didn't see those romantic relationships working out in the long term, but i didn't see that as a reason to hate them, much less reach the levels of loathing the fandom seemed to. you'd think these women were cartoon villains, the way fandom portrayed them.
honestly, it had been YEARS since i'd seen a fandom with such bad misogyny, if ever. and somehow, i was surprised again. i'd foolishly believed that fans had been getting better about that kind of thing, about hating women over a ship. so many other fandoms managed to be kind to the women involved with the men they shipped, why was it so hard for this particular fandom?
and now all this.
Buck's finally in a queer relationship, but it's not the one people wanted, so the response is to be hateful and homophobic towards the other character involved? in what world does that make sense? how do people rationalize that to themselves?
i'm just exhausted. i'm realizing now that this fandom has never felt like a safe space and maybe never will.
in over 20 years of being in fandoms, i have NEVER been in one that was so determined to be hateful. and over a show that's predominantly about love and the power of human connections? it's downright baffling.
#911#911 fandom#911 abc#i have a lot more thoughts on the subject i'm just tired and not capable of organizing them right now#just please understand that this post is not about ships#this is not buddie vs bucktommy i like them both i don't care#this is about hatred sucking all the joy out of fandom#and i'm sorry for the generalizations there are truly so many wonderful people in this fandom#i'm just stressed. why is this stressful. fandom's not supposed to be this fucking STRESSFUL
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was trying to figure out why I feel so Wrong rn and I think it's because I didn't follow my usual daily routine like At All and now my brain is freaking out. woke up at a vastly different time, had entirely different tasks throughout the day, took a nap at a weird time (to make up for the fact I had about 3 hours of sleep last night), zero human contact for the past 15 hours, and ate different food from usual (various leftovers from social events/thanksgiving, instead of cooking for myself like normal). and before I really realized that these were all things that were Bad For My Brain I was just wandering around my house like "why do I feel like garbage?? I've literally been outside so much today my brain should be happy"
ANYWAY here's to me not remembering I have issues with unstructured living because my days have been so similar for the past 4ish years that I straight up Forgot that things being too different too fast makes me crazy ✌️
#rye.txt#I'll be fine lol#the sudden shift in my daily schedule and my generally unhealthy eating today were the big things that made me feel Bad#so now that I am actually cognizant of this I can take steps to mitigate it tomorrow#god. what the hell did I even eat#leftover soup. that was breakfast (very out of my ordinary). uhh. a lot of pie (grandma made a ton for thanksgiving).#a tangerine that miiight have been on the edge of going bad#(thought I should eat a fruit. fruit did not improve status)#reheated popcorn chicken? that was not a good decision I felt so gross after eating that#hrm. ok my issue is that I feel like I Need To Eat These Leftovers So They Don't Go Bad#otherwise i'll be Wasting Perfectly Good Food#BUT. I don't want to eat it and eating it makes me feel generally unfulfilled and kinda blehg#ough. why can't I be normallllll#I'm also not dealing with the whole 'zero human contact' very well tbh. which is weird because I'm a deeply introverted person#and usually spend my days avoiding people like the plague#but idk. it's been literal years since I've spent and extended period of time completely alone#I don't knowwww i don't know#I'm gonna invite some friends over tomorrow and get them to help me eat these dang pies#ALSO. ITS BEEN REALLY COLD TODAY. AND I HAD TO BREAK INTO MY NEIGHBORS' HOUSE#(was not breaking in; I was trying to take care of their dogs since they're out of town)#(but their door code AND their garage door code weren't working#and I didn't have a physical key to use#so I had to push my way in through a back door that'd been blocked by a pile of boxes taller than my head#and squirm into their garage in order to get inside and take care of the dogs)#(was a very stressful way to spend my early waking hours)#i ALSO had to drive to the AIRPORT this morning which SUCKED. had to drop off family#which like I'm happy to help but also airports suck so much ass I hate them#anyway. today was sort of shitty#but mostly I only have myself to blame#did not structure my day well enough
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senior dog basking under his heat lamp
#I've had him 14 months now#they tend to live only a year from what i read and it checks with his behaviour#he's gotten really slow and a lot less aggressive in the last months#i tend to cut open his mealworms now before feeding them to him#but he seems to be okay and not stressed or anything so i'm letting him live out his old man months#when i got him he was so fast and violent he would run up to the glass and violently bite at it#spider#camel spider
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I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.
[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]
So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.
Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".
Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.
Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.
And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.
When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.
Then Jimmy finds the gun.
And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.
Soon enough it's just the two of them left.
Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.
But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.
He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.
He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.
Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.
When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.
It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.
As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.
He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.
..ok see y'all when I wake up-
#I wish I was better at talking about the themes of the game and characterizing the crew. There's so much I wanna say-#I want to play the game again just to see if I missed anything in here but it's almost 6 am and my brain is shutting down#I would blame stress and insomnia on this but I legit think about this when I come across the tag again#I want to talk about his guilt of wishing he never helped jimmy get the job. how he wished he died first. how his crew didn't deserve it-#and *if* he makes it out. the surviors guilt. the trauma and the pain it would still chase him for the rest of his life#damn. in any sueing case the company could use him being traumatized and vulnerable to make him agree that it was all his fault-#I swear the rest of the time I imagine a what if AU where Jimmy gets yeeted into space by Swansea and they all live happily ever after#this is basically a fic at this point and I'm so sorry but I wrote too much to delete it all now in a state of post revision clarity lmao#me being a dumbass#mouthwashing#tw death#Ideally Anya would be the one throwing him into space. And Swansea would help her bc honestly fuck Jimmy#Curly would be held at arms length until they've gone back home. only left there to pilot them back safely#long ass post#long ass tags
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Yokai to Human Form Tidbit
Ok so there's human designs/ forms for Caspian's yokai friends 1, for fun, and 2, cause there's some situations where it's convenient/just better to have some in human forms (EX: Whisper coming to Caspian's choir concerts and conferences bc his parents are. fairly absent). Everyone has their own opinions on it and stuff and in this post I'ma talk about Baddinyan's!!
So fun little fact he does Not Like being human. This is mostly for body dysphoria adjacent feelings, like all of a sudden he has different hair, no fur, different ear placement, etc. The 'phantom limb' thing tends to happen with his tails, too, which is trippy and kinda uncomfortable. He also hates that a lot of his senses are dulled. smell, hearing, sight (especially in the dark), it makes everything feel kinda hazy and causes him to be a lot more stressed about everything.
Idk maybe I just think it's kinda funny to see a character thrown into a whole new form and reasonably be like. what. the hell this sucks. His easygoing (nice way of me saying his lazy ahh) and usually pretty chill/surprisingly level-headed mood is def worsened when he's constantly feeling skin that doesn't technically belong to him. A form he shouldn't really have.
As a result, he's oftentimes irritable and anxious in this form, with some days being better than others. He typically avoids having to use it unless he needs to though, and refuses to take his glasses off for anything. Has to be bribed with a Chocobar to enma forbid go out in public. He's also less used to it than most due to his extreme aversion to it. He just hates it and everything is physically gross and cloudy and nothing's in the right place and he can't explain why.
Badude, on the other hand, doesn't mind being human! It feels more similar to his body than it does for Baddinyan, and is kind of a fun change of pace every now and then. He's Baddinyan's like. closest friend besides Caspian in this AU, so he's typically who's convincing him to not kill everyone in the room and/or take off the stupid leaf in public lol. Their convos can sometimes go like
"C'mon, it's just until we get outta the store. Don't get your non-existent tails in a twist-"
"Shut up and do nyot remind me right nyeow."
"(Oh it's like. that kind of day whoopsies) Mbmb, we can ditch these nerds and go look at the candy isle or somethin' for a bit..?"
He stinks at comforting people or anything like that but tries. Sometimes. idiots
I'm working on references, but all I have to say about their designs for now is vitiligo Black-Mexican Baddinyan and Mexican-Japanese Badude CANON!!! See you for now! :) Have a radtastical day out there, don't implode or get rocks thrown into your inbox!! (again for some of you...)
#hahhhhhh guess who had to rewrite this cuz i accidently posted it to a community and deleted it without thinking without pasting it into my#doc for rants? meee...wahaha.......#sorry to be a bit of a downer lately about stuff like this especially in tags!! but sometimes i wonder if there's someone or something out#there that really doesn't like my stories and stuff cause it keeps getting deleted ;=u=#not that it matters too much but it's been making me pretty sad recently dsmcfjdekope but anyways omg what am i doing#I'm gonna make myself some hot choco and rewrite this! better!! then I'll watch yokai watch >:) we got this yall <333#pretty much end of rewriting this yomakai here!! Maybe it's projection but I. can't see most of the characters on my team as lightskinned#explodes I love YAPPING!!! Also I'm in a far better mood now wahahaugh!!#Baddinyan#●posts from yomakai#□ yolo watch 2!#♤ resident rambles#I love aus#so murhcsdd.ed.......#always ask me questions about it alwsays btw. will yap about them anytime#OH!! IF I HAVENT RESPONDED TO YOUR MESSAGE SORRY!!!#I've been a bit preoccupied with working on au stuff like this and or trying not to stress over Big Thing tomorrow that might be fun tho!!#Love yall and goodbye as I said previously. thank you for reading my asinine ramblings as usual!! ^u^#Oml forgot to mention#black mexican baddinyan is based off my hc for jibanyan being blk/jp and roughraff being mex/jp#Mixed characters my beloved#I speak in the tags what I fear in the post/lh/hj
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oh, i figured out aya's skill.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd aya#ngl this like is making me lose my mind because she's had one this entire time#and it's so fucking obvious in retrospect#but was like. was introduced. slowly. it was not really obvious at first. but you can look back and see how it's present even in the ova.#anyway i don't mean to tease but i wrote out about a third of the theory and then started cracking open other parts of the story with sarah#and now i'm exhausted so i'm going to sleep#but i am certain. like there is no doubt in my mind. that i know what aya's skill is. it fits textually and metatextually#and explains a cryptic comment asagiri made in an interview.#where he said watch aya. like. most of what's been incredible has been obvious.#but no. you can see her skill. and it's SUCH a love letter to aya koda.#in a way i was worried he wouldn't pull off. because it felt like her skill was going to manifest from the stress. and it would be like op.#which isn't. who she was. she was a subtler sort of brilliant. one who exemplified virtue. and this skill is so. it's so good. it's fitting#it also explains akutagawa's dragon outfit.#like. there are a lot of theories i've had that are theories. this is not one of them. we might get the confirmation next chapter.#unfortunately i will need to lay out some confucian concepts for it to make sense. hence why i'm saving this for later. but i'm.#asagiri is insane i want to pick his brain and also follow him around like mary magdalene and learn from him.
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tag nine people you want to get to know better!
TEHEHE thank you @choccy-milky and @holdmymallowsweet for the tag!!! 💜🫶
LAST SONG? - no idea.. i listen to so much music it all blends together 😪 i THINK it was 'The Pantaloon' by Twenty One Pilots.. my fav song by my fav band 😏
FAVORITE COLOR? - purple!!! 💜🎆
CURRENTLY WATCHING? - my fav show EVER, How I Met Your Mother 😩 i literally always have it in the background and i really don't watch much else..
LAST MOVIE? - I HAVE NO IDEA 😭😭 i think it was probably Zombieland (2009)?? i honestly haven't watched a movie in a while 😔 i did watch Zombieland a week or so ago, it's one of my fav movies because i'm SUCH a sucker for found family trope. (if i wrote a fic for milena this would 100% show)
SWEET/SPICY/SAVORY? - SPICY. I LOVE SPICY FOODS 🙏 although, i did eat buldak ramen a couple days ago and it was so spicy i started crying 🥲
RELATIONSHIP STATUS? - wouldn't you like to know 🙄🙄 (single)
CURRENT OBSESSIONS? - this is obvious
LAST THING YOU GOOGLED? - "twenty one pilots clancy tour outfits" - i have a tøp concert in 8 days (SO FKN EXCITED) and no outfit.. was looking for inspiration since i'm going shopping today 😩
no pressure tags! (pls i'm so sorry idk who has done this and who hasn't i don't wanna bother y'all 😔) - @siboom777 @syaolaurant @ccelicaa @lamieboo @keri-mcberry
#ugh it makes me feel so special when i get tagged in these things LMAO#i luv my little friendships on this website 🫶#but godDAMN do i hate tagging people on these.. it stresses me out i do not wanna bother y'all 😞 - so it's not nine but take five instead#personal#+ i'm not done yapping about how excited i am for this concert.. i've been a fan of tøp for YEARS yet this is my first concert seeing them#i'm at the mall finding an outfit right now actually 😋😋#OH AND i was just in barnes and noble and i found a hogwarts legacy keychain!!! i had to have it so i snatched it up 😈😈
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Honestly, getting real tired carrying and supporting other folks around here when most of them aren't returning the favor...
#i'm two seconds away from nuking everything in my queue and drafts out of spite#but i don't feel good about that bc there's innocent collateral#this is tumblr‚ the place you're supposed to fucking share the stuff that your friend's and other people are making#and i get it‚ it's not possible to like and reblog everything here‚ i understand that and i'm not expecting that#it just sucks constantly feeling like no one gives a shit about the stuff you're proud of and put effort into‚ y'know?#there's an entire subsection of this fandom that basically ignores any vper that isn't running modded on pc#which is like half the fucking fandom and i definitely pissed some of those people off just for choosing who i associate with#i've been writing in this fandom for three years now and i still don't feel like i have any fucking writing friends#or a good place to get technical support#the writing associates i do have either don't read anything i write or when they do won't comment for some inexplicable reason#(if you're an author on ao3 you know‚ first hand‚ damn well how much comments mean to authors‚ so what's the deal?)#(if you actually don't like it‚ it's fine‚ don't even touch the kudos button‚ no one has to know you were there)#i'm traumatized from my previous discord experiences and am very reluctant to let people into my circle without vetting them first#even tumblr communities is a struggle for me because it still feels a like a popularity/social influence contest#and i know i'm fucking slow#sue me for having a life outside of the internet and wanting to be mindful and thoughtfully engaged with other people's artwork#i talk to people in the tags#i've been leaving comments on every fic i read now#i'm not expecting people to bend over backwards for me#but fostering community and friendships requires mutual exchange#and it's shitty feeling like you're generosity is constantly being fucking wasted#i'm trying to keep it fun around here but a lot aren't helping with that and this isn't a job for one person#sorry not sorry for the rant but i've been feeling very salty about this as of late#i know the holidays can be stressful and the fandom in general has been slowly shrinking which has probably exacerbated these issues#a lot of folks have moved on#but these issues have always been here and they aren't magically going to go away unless people work on them#i'm not expecting anything i make to break the bank at this point but when your friends won't even put your crappy art on the fridge anymor#like why are we here?#i also don't understand the people who are following me but never interact with anything i make???#rambling into the void
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Another doodle ft. a very sickly Nick
Bonus mini doodle under the cut lol
#blind man's bluff#ladyredms#bmb spoilers#l4d2#doodling a scrungly looking nick is my best stress relief i can't help it LMAOO#the walk to the boat chapters.... god i love them#so much tension and tender character moments and lore!!! and the borrowing of the hat??? AAAAAAH its so iconic & loving & i'll stop now#also i had so much fun making the background!!! i'm actually happy with how it turned out hehe#getting back into art has been therapeutic and really enjoyable so far!!! i never realized how much i missed it#thank you to everyone who's interacted with my goofy doodles before you're all so kind
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Just once, I would like to be able to have a conversation about my feelings with someone where they don't, at some point, start trying to explain to me why something happened such that they are either implying or outright stating I should stop having noticeable feelings at them about a thing and/or telling me that I'm wrong about how I feel and actually if I just understood this thing I would see that I'm being unreasonable to say I feel the way I do.
Just once, for someone's response to be "it sounds like you're feeling [insert thing, e.g hurt, sad, scared, tired, angry, etc], I'm sad that you are dealing with that." Not to take responsibility for my feelings! But for them to acknowledge that they're happening and might matter to me before they move on to whatever the fuck next thing they have to say is
#fuck people can't even manage to center my feelings when they apologize to me#it's always 'well this is what was going on for me and I'm sorry but this is why'#like bitch i fucking know#i can see that#i get it and I'm not mad#but i would love for you to be less of a dick about it when I point out to you that you took that thing happening to you out on me#whether it was actually my fault or not#and that your handling of it may have been unnecessarily unkind#maybe before you tell me AGAIN why you think actually it's fine and normal that you hurt me and i'm irritating you by making you#pay attention to my hurt in any fucking way#maybe you could fucking CONSIDER the idea that I'm just asking you to hear how it felt for you to talk to me like that#and understand that i probably would have been able to give you the same outcome [me not triggering whatever happened]#from myriad different conversations that are less hurtful#including even just 'hey i totally get that what just happened is probably related to a trigger I need to be more aware of but can we talk#about all that now that it's over so going forward if I accidentally step on a trigger that's NOT an excuse to hurt each other?#because like. stepping on triggers is something that should be avoided#and so is lashing out at people in excess of the thing they have done wrong#and while I want to work on my end of that i also don't want to be screamed at while I'm doing it'#and the thing is that is so wild to people that when you try to explain it to them they will get ANGRIER at you#anyway i'm so tired of being everyone's fucking punching bag all the time#i'm the constant shock absorber at work#i'm everyone's fucking emergency processing person regardless of what boundaries i try to place on that#and even at home there's often so much stress that wifey takes out her feelings on me because I'm the only one she can#and i'm trying not to let that change how i care for my own self and treat others but i'm just#at a certain point i feel like i will never matter to anyone enough for them to actually prioritize learning to love me the way I ask for#i love my family and the peeps in my life very much but i feel so unfathomably alone and unwelcome in the world
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just had like the worst ever mental breakdown
and it all started because of the FUCKING OFFICE.
the COMEDY. TV. SHOW.
what is my life i am such an idiot
#michael promised 15 kids college tuition#he let them go their whole lives thinking they were set#that they were going to be able to go to college and pursue their dreams#and then he forgets about it until the school calls him up and is like hey#give us the money they're graduating#and he lets them invite him to the school and celebrate him and then he's like#sorry i'm actually broke#none of you are going to college#and i just broke down crying for them because i've been so overstressed this week#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#i need to get out of here#i need to read fanfiction all day every day and never stress#the one time i don't have weekend homework and i try to have a nice afternoon this happens#i feel like an idiot right now#sorry for yapping like this#i feel like i can't even tag this as the office#like i really like the show don't get me wrong#this was just one time the writing was NOT funny#michael shouldn't get to feel better after that#anyways#going to read some fanfiction now
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shake up that brain
#milgram#milgram project#mikoto kayano#my art#ah.. i suppose it's fine if i just put my general milgram art here too right?#anyways guess who Actually remembered how to draw ..?#kinda? i don't really know how this drawing happened it all happened so fast#but i like how it turned out ! i've been hating how everything i draw turns out lately guhhh#started off as a bit of a vent doodle then i thought “wait this looks kinda good” and here we are#i really like drawing mikoto when i'm stressed they're fun to draw :))#i haven't done a like. Full Actual drawing in so long aaaa (no i don't count the previous arts on this blog those were more like doodles..)#i apologize to all the 0509ers following me i have not been putting out my best work for them..#i have ideas cooking *rubbing hands together*#but for now.... kotos !! I think they're neat
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