#I’ve taken some meds for it but it’s still just uncomfortable

[crybaby-bkg]

premenstrual cramps can go to hell. quickly.

[scapingthebottomofthebarrel]

Hello!

I saw that you were accepting requests so can I request a Tom Holland ( Spider-Man) x a reader who faints a lot. Like she blacks out multiple times a day. How overprotective would Spidey be? If you can, then maybe can please incorporate Steve Rogers in the story too. I have been obsessed with them..♥️

Please delete if this uncomfortable or bad🙏

I had fun writing this! I hope you like it!

Emergency Tylenol

“I forgot the Tylenol. We need to go back. Actually wait a second. I think…yup! Secret back up Tylenol!” You can’t help but smile as you watch Peter mutter to himself and dig around in his bag. You watch him lay out all the supplies from his bag. “Ok so we’ve got secret back up Tylenol, ibuprofen, ice packs, bandaids, neosporin, your emergency meds, and two water bottles.” He says proudly.

“Peter I promise you don’t need to carry all of this around with you. I have some stuff in my bag. I’ll be fine.” You insist for what must be the millionth time today.

“I absolutely do, sweetheart. As your boyfriend it’s my swore duty to take care of you and I can’t do that if I’m not fully equipped.”

“Peter, we’re literally in a private limo on our way to the Avengers Compound. I don’t think I could be any better taken care of.” He seems to consider your words for a moment before shrugging and opening the bainaid container to reorganize them.

“You could be. Trust me, I keep stats. You’re-“

That was the last thing you heard before everything went black. When you open your eyes you find yourself on a bed in a room that you slowly recognize at Peter’s bedroom in the compound. You look around for any sign of him but only find a bottle of water, some Tylenol, and a note the simply reads

‘Boom. Prepared.’

You can’t help but smile at your boyfriends antics. The ache in your head prompts you to take the pills. You quickly finish the water bottle and slowly get up as to not black out again. After a moment when you’re sure you won’t faint you make your way to the nearest lounge.

“There they are!” Steve says with a soft smile.

“How long was I out for?” You ask as you plop down onto the couch next to him.

“About 20 minutes.”

“I’m coming back around quicker. That’s nice.” Steve nods as he fishes out his phone

“Peter’s in the lab with Tony. I told him I’d text him when you woke up.” He explains while he slowly types on his phone. “You’d think the kid didn’t know what was going on.” He says it with a fond smile.

“We’ve been working on him not being two inches from my face when I wake up.” You say with a laugh. You’ve known Peter since 7th grade and you began dating your sophomore year of high school. Despite that he still treats each black out with meticulous care. “Oh! Guess what!” You say excitedly remembering the whole reason for you coming to the compound today.

“What?” Steve asks with just as much enthusiasm.

“I entered you in an art contest and you won first prize! I submitted that picture you drew of Peter and I.” You quickly scroll through your email looking for the one about the contest results. “Well there not actually a prize, but it’s nice to be acknowledged ya know?” Steve chuckles and leans back a bit to clearly see the screen you’ve shoved in his face. As he reads the email you hear the soft sound of the door to the lounge opening.

“I’m glad to see you’re up and about sweetheart.” Peter says as he comes to lean on the arm rest next to you. “How are you feeling?”

“Well it’s four o’clock and I’ve only blacked out three times today, so pretty good.” Peter gives you a once over before nodding.

“Ima have to steal her for some studying Captain Roger’s.” Your eyes go wide at this.

“Oh no we have that test on Monday!” You groan sinking into your seat.

“Yup. So we gotta get some snacks and get to studying.” Peter takes your hand and pulls you up from the couch before leading you towards one of the kitchens.

“See ya later Steve! Don’t forget to revel in your victory!” You shout as you walk away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and Peter have been studying for two hours and you’re starting to feel a little light headed from the stress.

“Why don’t we take a break?” Peter suggests before you can voice your discomfort. You smile gratefully knowing that Peter saw the signs of a black out starting to appear. “Sweetheart, you can tell me when something is getting too much.” He reminds you and you both close your books and migrate from the table to the beanbags where all your snacks are.

“I know. I’m just so worried about this test. I know I’ll probably do fine, but it’s such a big grade.” You sigh as you poke a straw into a juice pouch.

“We’ve been studying for two weeks. We’re gonna do great. It’s Friday why don’t we relax?” You ponder his words for a moment before nodding. “Great. I’ll dim the lights and grab your meds. You pick a movie.” Never in your wildest dreams would you have thought you would find someone. You’ve blacked out three times today and each time Peter was nothing but caring. You take a second to watch Peter as he grabs you some water and your meds before meticulously diming the lights to the setting he knows is perfect when you’re starting to feel faint.

“I love you.” You sigh happily. Peter nearly drops what he’s holding.

“Wh-what was that?” He asks slowly.

“I love you. I never knew I could love someone this much.” You explain. “I’m so happy it’s you I’m in love with.” Peter gets a dopy grin on his face and hops over the couch you sitting on to be next to you. He puts his hands on either side of your face and kisses you all over.

“I love you too!” He practically squeals. You can’t help but giggle and you two slowly settle in on the couch. “It was the emergency Tylenol wasn’t it? No one can resist.” He adds after a moment. You can’t help but burst out laughing.

“Yes Peter, it was the emergency Tylenol.” You and Peter both know that this is it for both of you. No other love could ever feel like this.

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Me & You & Everyone We Know | Chapter 17 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter Summary - Spencer struggles with the side effects of his medication before his worlds collide. Secrets and feelings come rushing to the surface causing Spencer to battle with his alcoholism.

Pairing - Single Dad! Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - hurt/comfort, angst with happy ending, smut minors DNI.

Warnings - antidepressant side effects, erectile dysfunction, making out, brief mention of oral (fem! Receiving), talk of therapy, Spencer struggles with his drinking, mentions of failed masturbation, swearing, drinking, break ups.

WC - 5.8k

Chapter 17 - Someone You Loved

I’m going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me,

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.

I need somebody to heal,

Somebody to know,

Somebody to have,

Somebody to hold.

It's easy to say,

But it's never the same,

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain.

“I swear this has nothing to do with you.” Spencer tried to insist, a look of mortification on his face. 

Blair pulled the sheets up around her naked body, looking as uncomfortable as Spencer did. 

“I mean, I guess you wouldn’t tell me if it was.” She chewed on her bottom lip. 

The girls left for California yesterday and tonight Spencer had taken Blair to the movies before they’d ventured back to his house. 

The moment they’d walked through the door things had grown hot and heavy, a trail of clothes left between the front door and his bedroom. 

They made out fiercely for some time but nothing was happening for Spencer. Even once she was naked and he pawed at her body, there was no movement downstairs. 

He’d gone down on her in the hopes it would awaken his lifeless cock. Usually it would have worked, worshipping a woman with his tongue was one of his most favourite activities. 

But even still, his cock would not cooperate. 

Eventually Blair had shied away, clearly thinking his dicks lack of interest was her fault. 

“Goddamnit,” he shook his head as the realisation washed over him. “It’s my meds.” 

“Meds?” Blair tentatively asked.

Spencer sighed, his whole body heaving as he did so. This wasn’t how he wanted to tell her about this, he wasn’t sure he planned on telling her at all if truth be told.

“When you looked after the girls for me last week, I didn’t have a work thing. I had my first therapy session.” He would so much rather have this conversation with more clothes on. 

Blair shuffled up in the bed, keeping the sheet pulled tightly around her as she lent against the pillows. 

“Why did you lie to me?” She looked at him curiously. 

“We’d be on one date, I didn’t want to freak you out. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants. I’ve been taking them for almost a week and she said within a week I might start noticing some side effects. One of which being…”

“Erectile dysfunction.” Blair fielded when he trailed off. 

He pulled face and nodded, raking his fingers through his messy hair. 

“It won’t last forever. I did some research. Supposedly within fourteen days I should start to see the side effects wear off.” He hung his head. 

“You could have told me,” she placed her hand on his arm. “It’s ok Spencer. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you need a little help.” 

“I just didn’t want you to think I was some kind of basket case.” He glanced at her. 

“I don’t.” She insisted, smiling softly at him. “But from now on you’re going to need to be honest with me ok?” 

“You’re not leaving?” 

“Why would I leave?”

“Because…” he trailed off, nodding his head in the direction of his crotch. 

“I can wait.” She squeezed his arm. “And I didn’t exactly come away empty handed in this situation.”

“No, you did not.” That was just me.

“So no more secrets?” 

“There is one more thing I should tell you,” He shuffled in the bed so he could get a better look at her. “On our date I didn’t drink. And that’s because I’ve recently quit drinking.” 

She narrowed her eyes on him, scrutinising him. It made him feel uncomfortable. 

“You had a problem?” Her eyebrows knitted together.

“I guess. I’ve been drinking a lot since my wife left, only when my kids aren’t home. I’ve battled addiction once before, a long time ago and I didn’t want it to get to that point again. So I’ve quit drinking all together.” He pursed his lips, waiting for her reaction.

“And you didn’t tell me because of what I told you about my ex.” She nodded. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “There are a lot of men out there who have way less issues than me, way less complications. I would totally understand if you wanted to walk away before this gets serious.” 

Her expression was curious as she looked at him, lip twitching slightly at the corner. She took hold of his hand in hers.

“Why would I want to walk away?” Her smile grew until it encompassed her face. 

“So many reasons.” He laughed but Blair leaned in and kissed him. 

“I like you Spencer, you aren’t going to scare me away so easily.” She mumbled against his lips. 

“Good to know,” he cupped her face, placing a kiss on her forehead. 

“Before I forget, my gallery is having this big, fancy show on Tuesday night. I wondered if you wanted to come? I’ll be working up until the show starts and I might have to do some running around during the night but for the most part I should be able to enjoy it with you.” 

“I’m pretty good with my own company so even if you do need to run off I can take care of myself.” He smiled at her.

“So that’s a yes?” Her eyes sparkled.

“Yes, I’d love to come.” He kissed her again and rolled her back to the mattress, climbing on top of her.

She giggled into the kiss, wrapping her arms around him.

“What are you doing?” She laughed, his lips trailing down her neck towards her collarbones.

“Just because I can’t exactly show it right now, doesn’t mean for a second that I don’t love being between your legs.” He spoke against her skin and she moaned at his words.

His lips continued lower and her fingers threaded into his messy locks when he started kissing across the planes of her stomach. Soon his head was dipping lower and Blair’s eyes rolled back in her head. 

Spencer was only mildly disappointed when he still couldn’t get it up.

***

You smiled sleepily as Sam strolled back in the room, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and carrying two glasses of water. He got back into bed and handed you one, which you sipped before setting on the nightstand.

“I think I’m going to sleep for a week.” Your head flopped to your pillow. 

“Me too,” he chuckled, laying down to face you. “But I have to say, I very much enjoyed skipping our dinner plans for this.” 

“Agreed.” Your eyes started to flutter closed.

You’d spent the whole evening in bed together, exploring each other’s body and finding new ways to get each other off. It had been fun but you were still yearning for more, for someone else. 

Sam was good in bed, great really. But he couldn’t make you come with the ease in which Spencer always had. Sometimes it didn’t even seem as though Spencer needed to try. 

You hadn’t meant to think about him, but at some point during the night he’d just slipped to the forefront of your mind and once he was there, you couldn’t get rid of him. 

It was good with Sam but there was something missing. That spark of passion, that desperation. Hopefully one day you’d be able to stop thinking about your ex, but today certainly wasn’t that day. 

“Before you fall asleep,” Sam spoke, tucking your hair gently behind your ear. “A guy at work’s wife is an up and coming artist and she’s showing in some gallery in the district on Tuesday night. He got us all tickets and I’ve got a plus one.” 

“An art show?” You opened your eyes. 

“Yep. Super fancy apparently.” He smiled at you. 

“That sounds amazing. Let’s do it.” You pulled him close by his broad shoulder and kissed him. 

“Great, I can’t wait.” He settled down and pulled you into his arms. 

Your head found purchase on his chest and you tried to focus on the rhythmic beating of his heart. He held you close, placing sporadic kisses on the top of your head. 

Maybe one day you would grow to love him. If you could learn how to stop loving Spencer first. 

***

The girls called everyday to regale Spencer with stories from California. And despite herself, Daisy was actually having a lot of fun. 

It at least allowed Spencer to worry less about one aspect of his life. 

He dressed in his best suit, crisp white button down, black jacket and slacks paired with a black tie. He even passed on his trusty converse and went with his black dress shoes instead. 

He shaved, slicked his hair back off of his face in the hopes it wouldn’t look so messy. He spritzed a little of an old bottle of cologne he found in the back of the bathroom cabinet. 

Forgoing his satchel he slipped his keys, phone and wallet in his pocket along with the art show invite. 

Blair was already at the gallery setting up and she was meeting him there. And for some reason Spencer was incredibly nervous. 

It occurred to him that there would be alcohol at this event and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to be around that much temptation. 

He’d had his second therapy session this morning and spoken to Doctor Sanchez about it at length. 

He felt better for talking about it but he was still concerned. Maybe he’d need a meeting again soon, he was certainly craving something to take the edge off. 

It didn’t help being alone in his stupidly large house. The girls had been gone for four days, the longest he’d been on his own in this house for. 

It was too quiet all the time, too big and empty and lonely. Honestly he couldn’t wait for them to come home.

He had Taco he supposed but that somehow made the situation more depressing. 

At Luke’s instruction Spencer had installed a child gate at the bottom of his stairs to stop Taco having the run of the house. The dog needed boundaries and thus he was now only allowed on the ground floor, something Spencer was glad about but knew his kids wouldn’t be.

Luke advised to try and leave him home on his own more and not let him get used to kennels. He told him to shut Taco in the kitchen when he went out, so as to limit any destruction he may cause. 

Spencer had moved the dog's bed into the kitchen, in the corner next to the fridge. Luke told him to ensure he had food and plenty of water and even leave a couple of toys out for him to play with when he was bored, hopefully to stop him attacking anything that didn’t belong to him. 

So far Taco had not had another rampage during the small windows Spencer left him alone. Luke’s advice seemed to be working and he wasn’t sure why he was surprised about that, clearly Luke knew what he was doing.

Tomorrow Luke was coming over and they were going to take Taco to an enclosed dog park so Spencer could start to train him off lead around other dogs. Aside from Roxy, Taco was not very good with other dogs, usually hiding behind Spencer when one came near. Roxy was the exception to his rule. 

He’d also, somewhat reluctantly, talked to his Doctor about his problem with the meds. He really did not enjoy talking about the fact he couldn’t get hard but it was starting to get on his nerves. 

He’d spent a lot of time the past few days trying to masturbate. Trying and failing miserably. At best he’d managed to get a semi, but even when he did it didn’t last long before he was flaccid again. 

He felt like he was being betrayed by his own anatomy, like it had turned against him. Since he was a teenager and discovering self pleasure for the first time, Spencer had never once had a problem getting it up. 

Doctor Sanchez assured him those side effects would lessen over time and unfortunately he needed to exercise patience. He didn’t feel particularly patient though. He just wanted to have a goddamn orgasm. 

He had a half hour until the gallery opened and so he shut Taco in the kitchen, bid him adieu and left the house, trying to leave thoughts of that nature at home. 

***

You cautiously pushed open the door of the chic looking art gallery, handing your invite over to the man on the door. You swallowed nervously and stepped inside. 

It was already packed, although admittedly you were running a little late. Today was the deadline for your final thesis and you’d used every available minute you could to perfect it. 

If all went well you could have your doctorate in a few months but you didn’t want to get ahead of yourself. You were using tonight as an excuse to get out of your head and just have some fun.

You spotted Sam with ease, at six foot five he towered over the crowds. He saw you too and grinned wildly at you, making a beeline for you. 

“Holy shit,” he gasped, eyes grazing up and down your body. “You look phenomenal.” 

You felt your cheeks redden and you rolled your lip between your teeth. You’d found the dress in the back of your closet, you hadn’t had an excuse to wear it in years. 

It was a black, one shoulder, floor length garment which hugged your curves in all the right places. It had a slit up one side, all the way to your thigh. 

Sam looked much like the cat that got the cream. 

“Thanks,” you shrugged. “You did say fancy.” 

“I did say that. And you delivered.” He placed his hand on your lower back and kissed you gently. 

He didn’t look so bad himself. You’d never seen him in a suit before and he looked devilishly handsome, even if the fabric of his jacket looked as though it struggled to contain his large biceps. 

In another life, he could have been a football player, he certainly had the build for it. He played in high school but ended up following in his father’s footsteps and becoming a lawyer, a very well respected one at that. 

“I want to show you off, is that ok?” He motioned you forward with his hand still on your back. 

“I didn’t get this dressed up for nothing.” You smirked. 

He picked up two champagne flutes from a passing waiter and handed you one before continuing to lead you forward towards the group of his work colleagues. You took a sip of your drink as you walked and accidentally nudged against someone.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry.” The woman halted in her tracks, her large icy blue eyes full of apologies.

Her long dark hair was curled to frame her petite face. She wore a stunning satin blue dress that cut off at the knees and she held a clipboard under one arm. 

“Don’t be, it was my fault.” You smiled at her. 

Sam removed his hand from your back and nodded in the direction of his colleagues, wordlessly telling you to join him before he headed over. 

“I think I was a little to blame, I’m getting a bit flustered.” She laughed lightly, a nice, easy sound as she motioned to the clipboard. “It’s my first big event.”

“You’re an artist?” You found yourself asking, this woman was extremely easy to talk to.

“Oh no,” she laughed again with a shake of her head. “I’m the manager here. Just making sure things are running smoothly before I can enjoy my night. I think my date would appreciate it, he’s looking a little like a spare part…I’m sorry I have no idea why I’m telling you all of this.” 

“It’s fine.” You smiled at her, hoping to calm her. “For the record this place looks great. I mean I don’t know much about art shows but it looks like it's going pretty well.” 

“Thank you, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about that means a lot.” She laughed yet again before holding her hand out. “I’m Blair.”

“Y/N.” You shook her hand. 

“Nice to meet you. Perhaps once things have calmed down we can have a drink.” Blair shrugged awkwardly.

“I’d like that.” You nodded. “Come find me when you have a chance.” 

Blair left you with a nod of agreement before she carried on with her rounds. You took a breath and sidled up to Sam who was laughing heartily at something one of his friends had said. 

When he felt you at his side he was quick to put his arm around you, looking at you with pride swelling in his chest.

“Everyone, this is my gorgeous date, Y/N.” He beamed. “Y/N, this is Sampson, Richards, Sinclair and Montgomery.” 

“Hi,” you waved at the group. “It’s so nice to meet you all, Sam has told me so much about all of you.” 

You fell into conversation with the group, nuzzling against Sam’s side, watching him converse with these men. He was clearly in his element, a side of him coming out you hadn’t seen before.

He was more confident, he laughed in a way you’d never heard him laugh before. Perhaps it was the kind of fake laugh he used around colleagues, a persona he’d created to fit in with the other lawyers at his firm. 

You mostly stayed silent, only speaking if someone asked you a direct question. The more time you spent with Sam and his work friends, the less you felt like you fit into his world. 

When it was just the two of you things were wonderful, but after seeing him tonight with his colleagues you weren’t sure you liked this side of him. He was a little smarmy, making inappropriate jokes just to fit in with the other men. This wasn’t the Sam you’d known in college, and it wasn’t the Sam you’d gotten reacquainted with recently. 

You knew it was probably just an act but that still didn’t mean you liked it. And perhaps all those doubts you’d had about him in the back of your mind were coming to the surface all at once and flooding your senses. 

But you were sure of one thing. As you stood there like some kind of trophy on his arm, you knew you and Sam had no future together. It was possible after tonight you wouldn’t even have a tomorrow.

***

Spencer made the rounds, eyeing each of the pieces of art hanging on the stark white walls in slight confusion. He understood that art was subjective but he did not understand any of these paintings. 

Art had never been his thing. He had a few pieces in his home but they had been Maeve’s decorating choice not his. 

Maybe if Blair would stop running around like a headless chicken for two minutes she could explain some of this stuff to him. Or better yet maybe they could make out in the corner instead. 

He tried to keep his head down and ignore the near constant passing trays of champagne. He would give his right arm for a drink right about now, even if only to stem his boredom. 

After taking in the artwork he settled over by a back wall, slowly sipping a glass of water. He wanted to go home, being alone with his dog had to be better than being alone in a crowded room. 

Time passed painfully slowly, like it may have actually stopped altogether. This was not quite the night Spencer had in mind. 

It was well over an hour since he’d arrived when Blair, in a blur of blue satin, headed his way. Her clipboard was gone, and he perked up. 

“Are you done with work now? At the risk of sounding like Lily, I’m so bored.” He held his arms open for her and she embraced him, giving him a chaste kiss. 

“I think so.” She smiled guiltily. “I’m sorry I dragged you here.”

“I don’t mind being dragged places as long as I actually get to spend time with you.” 

“I’m all yours now, I swear.” She stroked his cheek. “Have I told you how handsome you look tonight?” 

“It was implied.” He smirked. “You look absolutely incredible.” 

“I don’t scrub up half bad, do I?” She giggled. 

“You most certainly do not.” 

“I met this woman earlier. She looked almost as out of place as you do and I wanted to find her, make sure she was alright.” 

“You just can’t turn off that mom-brain can you?” He teased, kissing her cheek. “Let’s go.” 

“You’re sure? I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the night you had planned.” She pouted her apology. 

“It’s fine, it’s cute that you care so much.” 

“I mean I wouldn’t take in stray dogs like some people.” 

“I’d like to see you try and say no to my girls. Honestly it’s impossible. Those damn little pleading eyes and when they pout it rips me apart.” He held his hand to his chest. 

“You’re a softy.” Blair teased, slipping her hand in his and forcibly removing him from where he’d been leaning against the wall. 

He pulled a face, slightly wounded by her words. He knew she hadn’t meant them in the way he’d taken them but he couldn’t help find the second meaning to it. 

Clearly she noticed him tense and she looked at him, quickly realising her error. 

“Not like that. I’m sorry I didn’t mean…” she trailed off and Spencer filled in the blanks in his head. 

You didn’t mean to reference the fact I can’t get a goddamn erection. 

“I know you didn’t.” He tried to shake it off. “Just touched a nerve.” 

“I’m sorry. Poor choice of words.” She squeezed his hand. 

“It’s fine, it’s just a sensitive topic.” 

“It’s still not…?”

“Cooperating? No.” He shook his head. 

“I mean I’m kinda glad it wasn’t just me.” She shrugged. 

“Trust me it is not just you.” He sighed. “But I would really rather not be talking about my sexual problems right now.” 

“Of course. Let’s go mingle shall we?” She squeezed his hand again.

“Sure.” He nodded, swallowing down his embarrassment. 

He let Blair lead him through the crowds, talked amicably to people she was trying to schmooze into buying the very expensive artwork. 

Spencer felt tense, tenser than he had already felt now his erectile issues were playing on his mind again. 

If he couldn’t even muster a little excitement seeing Blair in that sinfully tight dress, he knew he was fucked. 

On top of everything else this was literally the last thing he needed to be dealing with. He already had two kids who barely listened to him, he didn’t need the same treatment from his dick. 

Life was unusually cruel. But it was about to get a whole lot crueller. 

***

After an hour of listening to Sam and his lawyer friends you were so ready for this night to be over. 

You’d consumed three glasses of champagne but you didn’t feel the nice buzz you were hoping for. You kept checking the time on your phone, praying for this night to end so you could leave. 

And you were sure it would be you and Sam’s last date. 

Sure he was lovely and sweet when it was just the two of you but you didn’t like this man he’d become tonight. If you continued to date there would inevitably be more nights like this with colleagues and you weren’t prepared to sign up for that. 

When his friends left the two of you alone finally tearing themselves away to at least pretend to look at the artwork, you breathed a sigh of relief.

“Are you ok? You’ve been really quiet tonight.” Sam asked once you were on your own. 

“I guess I’m just not feeling all that well. Do you mind if we go?” 

“Of course not. I’ll take you home.” He smiled, leaning in and kissing your cheek.

For a moment the rest of the night melted away and Sam was the same man you started to develop feelings for. But you had to remind yourself it wouldn’t always be like this and you knew you had to get out before things got too serious. 

He placed his hand once again on your lower back and started steering you towards the door. As you were weaving in and out people to the front of the gallery, you heard someone call your name. 

“Y/N! I’ve been looking for you.” 

You turned slowly on your heels, recognising Blair’s dulcet tone. You made eye contact with her and smiled briefly before you noticed the man standing at her side, holding her hand. 

Your eyes leisurely moved from Blair’s hand interlocked with another much larger one, up the slim frame of the man who the hand belonged to. When they landed on his face you felt your chest instantly tighten, and all the air left your lungs at lightning speed.

Spencer’s lips parted a little and you saw the way he sucked in a deep breath. But to his credit his expression didn’t change all that much.

Time seemed to stand still and Blair and Sam momentarily slipped away as the two of you stared at each other. You didn’t miss the way his eyes cast up and down your body, taking in the sight of you in that dress. 

Spencer didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he felt the telltale stirring in his crotch seeing you in that goddamn dress. It wasn’t much, but it was the most his cock had reacted in over a week.

Blair and Sam both exchanged a look before she glanced back at you and Spencer, seemingly lost somewhere in your own world.

“Hi Y/N,” he finally spoke, his voice a little gruff. 

“Hi Spencer.” You replied, swallowing thickly. 

“You know each other?” Blair’s voice snapped you both out of the stare off and you looked at her wide eyed. 

“Uh, yeah.” You shrugged. “I guess. Uh…we were just leaving so…”

“Oh no, don’t leave!” Blair gasped, clearly not noticing the tension between you. 

“You haven’t even introduced us.” Sam’s hand ran up and down your back. 

“Right,” you nodded, your head was spinning and you thought you might throw up. “Sam, this is Spencer. Spencer, this is Sam.” 

“And Blair you seem to already know.” Spencer narrowed his eyes on you. 

“This is the woman I told you about. We met earlier.” Blair gave his hand a soft squeeze. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of you for a single moment. 

“So introductions over. We really have to go. It was nice to meet you Blair. And it was…” you trailed off trying to find the right word. Nice to see him? No, that would be an outright lie. “I’ll see you.” 

You grabbed Sam by the forearm and spun him around, starting to drag him towards the door before anyone could say anymore. 

Spencer watched you go, heart in his throat. Seeing you had taken him by such surprise he honestly didn’t know how to react to it. 

“So,” Blair’s tone forced him to look away from you and back at her. “I can only assume by how awkward that was, that she’s your ex-wife? I thought she was in California?”

“That’s not my ex-wife.” He shook his head, only then realising he’d never said Maeve’s name in front of Blair. “But she is an ex. We dated for a few months before I met you but it ended terribly.” 

“I can tell.” Blair rolled her eyes, freeing her hand from his. “Another secret you kept from me. We talked about dating history Spencer, you never once mentioned her.” 

“I know.” He shrugged. “I don’t have any excuses for that. I just wasn’t ready to talk about her.” 

“I don’t like being lied to, Spencer and I hate being blindsided. You need to take a breath, figure out what it is you want. I’m not looking to be messed around, I’ve been there before. I like you and if I’m the person you want to be with I’m all in. But quite frankly, I don’t want to compete with Y/N and your ex-wife.” Blair folded her arms across her chest. 

“That’s fair.” He nodded. “I’m sorry. I guess I should go. I just need some time to think, ok? But I’ll call you.” 

“Don’t,” she shook her head. “Not unless I’m the one you’re choosing.” 

With that she turned away and weaved between people until she was out of sight. Spencer felt a led weight emerge in his chest as he forced himself to leave. He shoved open the gallery door and stepped onto the dark street, briefly glancing around to see if you might still be here but came up short.

He rolled his lip violently between his teeth. The only thing he could focus on was his desperate need for a drink. He pushed everything else aside and started down the street in the direction of the nearest bar.

***

You and Sam walked in silence for a few blocks, your arms wrapped around yourself and his hands in his pockets. The silence was deafening. You wanted to say something to alleviate the discomfort but had no idea what to say. 

Eventually you heard Sam’s footsteps slowing until he stopped all together. You halted your movements too and faced him. 

“So that’s the professor?” He dove straight in.

“Was it that obvious?” You hugged your arms tighter around yourself. 

“Anyone within a five block radius could see the way he was undressing you with his eyes.” Sam scoffed.

“He was not.” You rolled your eyes. 

“Trust me Y/N, I have done the same thing to you enough tonight to know that look. And it wasn’t just the fact he was undressing you with his eyes, it was that it was clear he knew exactly what you look like under that dress.” He took his hands out of his pocket and folded his arms across his chest. 

“We both have exes, Sam.” You shrugged in frustration. 

“Yes, we do.” He agreed. “But I’m not still in love with any of mine.” 

You felt tears brimming in your eyes and you tried to blink them back. 

“There really isn’t any point in me lying to you, Sam. Yes I still have feelings for Spencer. It was recent and I guess I didn’t really give myself a chance to get over him before we started dating.” You sniffed.

“Well here’s your chance.” He spat. 

“What do you mean?” You frowned at him. 

“You can have all the time in the world to get over him Y/N because I’m out. I’m done.” He dropped his arms to his sides. 

“Sam, don’t say that.” You took a step closer to him but he shook his head.

“I’m not looking to be a rebound, Y/N. I’ve been crazy about you since college. I always thought the reason I never settled down was because of you. I couldn’t believe my luck when I bumped into you again, it felt like fate or something. But I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else.” He ran his fingers through his hair and started pacing the sidewalk.

You had a horrible feeling of deja vu, except you were Sam and Spencer was you. It took you back to the day on the front steps of your building after you’d heard Spencer confess his feelings for his ex-wife. 

What Sam was saying felt so reminiscent of what you’d told Spencer that day.

I think you need to deal with whatever residual emotions you’ve been harbouring for her before you jump into something else. I don’t want to be someone’s second choice, Spencer.

Right now you couldn’t even begin to unpack how much it hurt that instead of dealing with his feelings for Maeve, he’d found someone else. Someone beautiful with electric eyes and a heart warming laugh. 

Someone who wasn’t you. 

You swallowed, understanding exactly where Sam was coming from and knowing you couldn’t argue with him. It wasn’t fair on him, it wasn’t fair on you. 

“You’re right. It’s not fair on you, I really am sorry.” Your first tear fell.

“So I am.” He sighed. “So am I.” 

***

He sat at the bar staring down into the glass of scotch. It had remained untouched since the bartender placed it in front of him and the ice cubes had started to melt. 

In the last twenty minutes he’d typed out three different text messages to you.

📱 Y/N, it was really good to see you tonight. I hope everything is well with you. Enjoy the rest of your summer. 

📱 Y/N, can we talk? I would really like to talk to you, so maybe you can meet me for a drink? I’m at Dooley’s near the art gallery. Please come and meet me. 

And finally - 

📱 Y/N, I miss you so fucking much. Seeing you tonight was like a jolt of electricity. I’ve been an idiot. I love you, I love you so much. Please say you still love me too. 

So far he had not sent a single one, which was probably for the best. Instead he continued to stare down into the taunting drink and contemplated throwing away his newfound sobriety in lieu of getting blind drunk just to take some of his pain away. 

His life was just one fuck up after another recently and no matter how hard he tried to better himself he kept stumbling over each new hurdle. 

He pulled out his phone again and opened the photos app. His phone was old and the images were grainy but he needed a reminder of why he needed to stay sober. 

He pulled up a recent picture of Daisy and Lily, Taco cradled in the younger girl's lap as they smiled brightly for the camera. 

A tear crept from his eye. He missed them so much. He wished they were here, wished he could hold them, to feel tethered to them in order to stop himself from throwing his life away at the bottom of a bottle. 

It was too late to call but he wished he could hear their voices, have them pull him back from the brink. 

Maybe he should call Tara. 

Chances were she was working and if she wasn’t she’d no doubt be at home in bed at this hour. 

He didn’t want to burden her, but he could really use a meeting right now and he certainly wasn’t strong enough to go on his own. 

He pulled up his contacts and located her number. His thumb hovered above it for a moment or two before he slammed the device back on the bar counter. 

Then he picked up the glass and downed the scotch in one. And then he quickly ordered another. 

@foxy-eva @kbakery @chrissyflo3 @simxican @aysixdy @givemeth @loonalockley @redbulldinner @derekm24 @pinkiceee-prose @werewolfbansheelove @mindbelova @andiebeaword @dreatine @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @thebloomingeagle

[weixuldo]

Allow me// ch 14

Vader x Reader

a/n: so sorry for the delayyy rahhh i’ve been traveling for the holidays!! i’ve been cranking stuff out tho so dw!!! i’ve been working on enigma, allow me, and line cook ani pt 2 heheh also unconditionally epilogue// also words in font like this means vader is using the force to speak- not his normal voice

How much longer will it be before you hear from Lord Vader again? is he safe? is he alright?

warnings: cursing, angst, harm, medical procedures, cannon typical violence

_____________________

After what seemed like days of stumbling around fighting off any enemy he came against, Vader finally obtained a ship. It wasn’t much, but at least he was able to jump start it. As soon as he got the engine going- he set in coordinates for Hoth. 

He was absolutely exhausted in every way someone could be; mentally, physically, emotionally… Not only did his broken body ache, but his mind raced with thoughts of what his master would do next if he were to defy him. Would he really be replaced? 

As he flew the small ship towards the icy system, the failure of his suit became increasingly evident. After using so much energy and power from the force to fend off bounty hunters and fight opponents (all while his suit was damaged and with makeshift limbs), he was so completely exhausted that he could barely stay conscious as he drifted through space. 

The flesh parts of his legs throbbed uncomfortably- the makeshift prosthetics weren't made to cushion his walk so he was putting too much pressure on his poor stumps. He desperately wanted to put the ship on auto pilot but sadly, it did not have that feature.

So he begrudgingly adjusted himself in the pilot seat and desperately tried to stay awake. 

___________________________________

Your anxiety was through the roof the past few days; not only had you heard nothing from Vader or when he would return, but the Emperor seemed as if he were observing you much more closely now. 

Thankfully you had finished your main tasks for the day and retired to your quarters earlier than normal (not that that really meant anything special. You were still just going to overthink).

You laid down and observed the same ceiling you had been looking at for months, only this time you were worried about Vader. 

You pleaded with the force that he was ok and would return safely. You would rejoice once you knew he was safe and finally with you again. Would he feel the same about you?

____________________________________

The sight of his docked ship took an enormous weight off of Vader’s chest; he was back. He would no longer have to wonder how he’d get back or have to worry about conserving his energy. 

He landed the ship as best as he could, but it was a rough landing; he had to opt for a landing in the snow. Once the ship was powered off, he slowly pulled himself out of the cockpit. 

The freezing temperatures of the frigid planet whipped at his exposed skin and made his metal joints creaky. He was shutting down. His legs were barely able to hold his weight anymore- he was completely drained.

Even though he wanted so desperately to call to you through the force, he just couldn’t muster the energy. 

Before he knew it, his world went black and he was left lying, face down, in the thick layers of snow. 

Thankfully some stormtroopers saw his bumpy landing and came to check out the commotion. Without them he would not have made it back. 

“Uhhh- You might wanna take a look at this�� one of the white armor clad men said to the other. 

“Lord Vader?!”

“Yea…. we should probably get him inside” another chimed in. 

“Right away! We need to get him to the med chamber”

_______________________________________

You had taken a stroll around the living quarters to try to get your mind off of things (it wasn’t working), sadly everything in the damn ship just screamed Vader- it was his ship, after all. 

As you walked the halls, a large group of troopers marched down the hall opposite to you.

They seemed rushed- their matters must have been important. 

You thought nothing of it initially (There was always some drill or task they were running around to complete), but you froze when you heard it. 

“Lord Vader is back”

“Really? Where is he?” a second asked. 

“We’re pretty sure he's in the med bay- probably being checked for wounds” the first added. 

You didn’t need to hear anymore, before you were off.

You rushed to the med bay where he was being held for assessment by the medical droids and Vanee.

You punched in the security code and swiped your card quicker than you ever had before and breathlessly entered the dark room. 

You didn’t expect to see a pillar of light in the middle of the pitch black room; once your eyes adjusted you realized the pillar was actually a large bacta tank… with a limbless figure strung up in the middle, a sight you had never seen. 

As you squinted you realized you recognized that face- it was Vader in there.

Was he injured so badly as to lose the rest of his limbs? No- you looked closer and his amputations seemed to be old wounds- you knew he had some prosthetics, but you didn’t realize he had lost all of them. 

He floated in the healing liquid, only suspended by a black harness. The slight movement of the water softly carried his body up and down.

You observed more and noticed how muscular he was, his shoulders were just as broad even outside the suit. As much as you wanted to linger your gaze on his body, you felt that it was not the time to marvel at his impressive physique.

You began to walk forward to get a better look at his injuries when a pale faced man ran at you; “Get out! Do not dare disturb the Lord as he heals!” the elder screamed at you, which caused Vader to weakly open an eye. 

Once he saw that it was you he panicked for a moment- he didn’t want you to see him like this… he wasn’t ready.

Surely you were frightened of him now, surely you couldn’t hold him in the same regard as you did before. 

A look of worry found itself onto your face as you saw Vader’s scared face, but soon the pale man started getting violent with you.

He pulled, pushed, and even began to scratch you with his long nails but you wouldn’t budge, you needed to make sure Vader was ok. 

Vanee, Stop.

What was that?

The pale man ceased his attack and stepped aside, “but my lord, she is-”

Let her be and leave us.

Vader was speaking through the force. 

Vanee nodded and scurried out of the dark room. 

Once it was just you and Vader left, you walked towards the glass tube and rested your palms against the cool surface. 

“V? Are you going to be ok?” you asked with a  small voice. 

I will be, i’m so sorry

both of his eyes were open now.

“Sorry for what V?” What was he talking about?

I didn’t want you to see me like this

You were no medic so all you could offer Vader was your company and support as he endured a painful recovery process.

“Oh, Vader… please do not worry about that- I want you to focus on healing” you said softly as you pressed a gentle hand on the glass of the tank. 

You felt a warm sensation wash over you and embraced the familiar force signature of the Sith; he was connecting with you the only way he could. 

Thank you

_____________________________

You stayed by Vader’s side until he was done with his soak; the two of you were silent for the most part- for you it was just comforting to be in his presence once more. 

Near the end he opened up about the past few days in small bits (you probably wouldn’t ever get the full story).

He briefly explained why his master sought to punish him and to you, it was an impossibly stupid reason. 

You were disgusted by the Emperor- he tortured Vader for teaming with someone he thought fit to be an ally. Then Palpatine went so far as to destroy Vader’s prosthetics and dump him back onto the shores that once scarred him all those years ago.

If Vader weren’t as strong as he is… he surely would have died. 

Palpatine is a cruel man. 

W-would you help me lie down?

“I would rather you help me than the droids,” he admitted in his modulated voice.

You nodded and walked closer to the glass.  

“Press that button and lift that switch” he guided you towards an operating panel that would drain his tank. 

Once you had that done you went to search for some towels to dry him off with. He was left hanging from his harness with an embarrassed feeling.

The glass tube retreated below the floor and he was gently lowered to the platform; you laid a soft towel down and had another in your hands as you received his tired body. 

You guided his body into your lap and held him in your arms once he was finally released from the suspending cords that attached to the harness around his torso.

He was so light in your arms compared to what you had expected; he was muscular, but the more you thought about it, he only had a torso, a head, and four stumps. 

He allowed you to assist him to the steel examination table in the next room over. You could tell he was ashamed of his body and inability to do basic tasks in his state, but you quietly reminded him that you only wanted to help. 

“Would you like me to unbuckle your harness? Or do you just want to keep it on, I assume you’ll be going back in the tank soon” You offered softly.

To your surprise, he shook his head- “No, my master won't allow me to soak again today until much later. Are you sure you would be comfortable touching… me?” He added the last part in pity. 

You scowled at his master’s instructions, but your eyes softened when you answered him, “Vader, I have pledged myself to you, have I not?”.

“Y-yes?” he replied softly.

“Then you have nothing to worry about- You have nothing to be ashamed of,” you said.

Your words seemed to relax him slightly and he exhaled shakily before shutting his eyes.

You stayed by his calming him, helping apply cooling creams to his new burns, and helping him with the oxygen mask.

It hurt to see the one you loved in such a crestfallen state, but at least he was alive. 

Once he was a bit more stable he spoke again.

“thank you, proceed”. 

The ends of his limbs had metal ports that looked warped; to your best knowledge they must have been welded to another type of metal and then had to be cut off. 

You jumped a little when you saw Vader begin to move his scarred legs from you; he refused to meet your gaze. 

“It’s alright- I’m just examining your ports- I may be able to design new ones for you since these ones definitely won’t be able to connect to your new legs” you said in an attempt to quell his worries. 

His eyes relaxed and he began to blink slowly again. 

Thank you

He was speaking through the force again; his energy must have been depleting. 

“No need to thank me V. I would do anything for you” you smiled softly before leaning in to kiss his temple. 

_______________________

You worked on crafting new ports for Vader’s prosthetics to attach as he rested; you offered to leave and work in the workshop, but he insisted (more like begged) you to stay with him.

You had the transport droid he gifted you, bringing up the materials and your toolkit so you could start working as you sat with him. 

Though, Vader did sense the surrounding area first to make sure Palpatine wouldn’t make a surprise visit- having you in his chambers would not be a good scene for the emperor to see. 

You knew if Palpatine was so cruel as to make Vader relive his past trauma and suffering, he would definitely have no problems involving you in a nefarious scheme to get Vader to react in a certain way. It was beyond fucked up.

Soon you had finished his arm’s ports and walked over to the bed you laid him on.

His eyes were closed and a few tubes carrying nutrients and oxygen peeked from under the covers you placed over him. 

You could hear his damaged throat rasping with every breath he took; you wanted nothing more than to take all of his pain away.

This was the longest you had ever seen him out of his suit and the only time you had ever seen his whole body. 

He was covered head to thigh in poorly healed scars and new burns from his most recent brush with the unforgiving lava planet.

His chest and back had a few unnatural ports for his suit to connect his life support to, but other than that he was flesh (except for his organs, of course). 

But sadly you would have to wake him from his slumber soon since he was supposed to be back to his duties in two days ...The Emperor heartlessly expected an impossibly speedy recovery- obviously that was just an outrageous request, but Vader couldn’t protest. 

You knew the wounds that littered his face had been “healed” for years, but as you went to brush his forehead you hesitated.

Should you be touching him without his permission?

Seeing him outside of his suit seemed like you were gazing upon something sacred. Something you shouldn't.

Gently you placed a gentle hand on his cheek and waited for him to open his eyes. You bit your lip before placing your other hand on his other cheek. 

“Vader,” you whispered.

Still nothing. 

Slowly and carefully, you leaned down to place a tender kiss on his scarred forehead- that woke him up. 

His yellow eyes opened abruptly-but when he felt it was you, he closed them once more. The next time he opened them, his eyes were the cerulean blue you had been chasing since the first time you saw them. 

He let his guard down when he was with you. 

You smiled at the man and gave him another peck. You pressurized the chamber so that he could be without the uncomfortable mask.

Gently you lifted his head and took the hard device off of his face.

“Vader, I have your arm ports and arms ready for you- The arm’s are just temporary, but I assumed you’d rather have some for now instead of none at all,” you explained softly. 

He gave you a long blink to indicate his agreement before his brow bone furrowed and looked towards the cold table that stood in the harsh lighting only a few feet away. 

“We do have to go there so that the doids can remove your warped ports” you said solemnly. 

You knew he hated procedures, but he also knew they were a necessity. His chest rose and fell before he indicated he was ready. 

“I could carry you over- or I can get the transpor-”

“Transport” his voice rang through the force. 

You figured so. 

He wasn’t quite comfortable being that vulnerable and you could understand that. You nodded, started up the pod, and left the room so he could complete the transfer in peace.

You felt the vibrations when he called for your return and promptly entered once more. 

Vader was now lying uncomfortably on the sterile silver table; only his boxers covered his lower half. You stepped into the light and took out the tools that would be used to remove his broken ports. 

This too had two options; you could take them off of him quicker than a droid could, but then you would be the one causing him pain- or it could take longer and hurt more, but a droid would be doing it.

Vader also knew this and could sense your dilemma. 

You.

You sucked in a breath- you really didn’t want to do this, but it would cause him less pain (even if it didn’t seem to). 

You shakily nodded and picked up the instrument that would be used to pry off his damaged port.

The process was simple, use a small beam to cut around the port to loosen it up and then use an instrument to pry the warped metal off.

The beam would be painful without numbing medicine (which Palpatine removed all of…), so Vader would have to endure the pain full throttle. Once again you cursed the pale man. 

Thankfully you had a spur of the moment idea- you called for a small droid to collect some snow and ice from the banks of Hoth (where you were still stationed).  

Vader looked at you curiously. 

“There’s no numbing cream here and I don’t want you to feel the sting so I’m going to numb your arm with ice water”. 

His eyes widened and he managed a small smile, “Thank you”

You nodded, “Of course, but it will be uncomfortable to put your arm in the water” you explained to which he simply nodded. 

Once the droid returned and you prepared the ice bath, you helped Vader to the edge of the table so that you could submerge his stump. 

“On three; one, two, three…” you counted before pushing his warped ligament into the freezing water. 

His body lurched and he gasped as the frigid sensation coarse through his arm. You bit your lip to steady yourself, his arm needed to stay completely submerged for the numbing to work. 

“I’m sorry V” you said as his muscles twitched all over his scarred body. 

Soon time was up and you quickly pulled out his arm, dried it off, and grabbed the precision laser. You put on some goggles and began to outline the end of his stump. As you rounded the port you could smell a mix of heated metal and flesh. 

Even so often you glanced up to see his face, thankfully he really had no reaction and nothing in his force signature indicated pain- your method was working. 

The port was completely cut and you began to pry it off. You hated the feeling of his skin being used as leverage to pull his cybernetic part off.

Once the metallic connector was off, his stump was simply irritated, scarred flesh with screw slots to hold his ports in place. 

His stump was warm to the touch so you decided to cool him in water once more (just to be safe).

In only a few more minutes his new port was secured and you helped put his temporary prosthetic on. 

He tested the limb with great relief. 

“Was that ok?” you asked worriedly. 

He nodded and caressed your cheek with his new arm; to which you leaned over the table to kiss him. 

________________________

You finished up the other arm before you stopped for the day- he didn’t really need his legs done until tomorrow and you weren’t going to be able to do those since they were literally welded into his flesh from how close he was to the lava. 

So once you cleaned everything up, and got him back into bed, you took your seat once more. Your eyes felt heavy as you sat back in the stiff chair; just as you were drifting off to sleep you heard a weak voice. 

Was that Vader?

No- it wasn’t the normal modulated voice you had come to love, but it also wasn’t the familiar voice of his force signature. 

“W-wil you…” 

There it was again! You promptly rose to your feet and surveyed the dark room.

“Who’s there?” you demanded.

Soon you felt a weak pull towards Vader’s bed… it was him- it was his voice. 

You knelt by his bedside and took a metallic hand in yours. Never had he sounded so weak.

His vocal chords were completely damaged, he could barely speak above a whisper, and it sounded painful to speak. 

“P-please..” he attempted before a coughing fit attacked him. 

You brushed his face and cooed, “shh-shh, Don’t speak- I’m right here. It’s ok”. 

He swallowed with great effort before conveying his request, “Lie with m-me… Please-”.

“Are you sure, I don’t wanna worsen your injuries-”

He shook his head and beckoned you once more. Looking at his desperate face, how could you refuse. Carefully you lifted the covers and entered the bed with caution; once you were under the covers he quickly pulled you closer to him, making you gasp. 

Once the shock wore off, you relaxed in his arms and began to drift off. 

_________________________

Vader’s burns stung with every movement, but nothing could stop him from hugging you close.

He wanted nothing more than to stay with you like this forever.

He was exhausted, but somehow having you here kept him invigorated. 

He found himself pressing his scarred lips to your temple as you dozed off in his mechanical arms. Once you were fast asleep, he couldn’t pull his gaze away from your beautiful face. 

Maker… What were you doing to him? 

He was falling in love-

No, he was in love. 

Everything about you lit up his world; your smile, your sweet voice, your soft touch, your intelligence, your passion… just you. 

He could imagine a future where you and him ruled the galaxy, side by side. 

Or

One where the two of you left everything behind and completely started over. 

Either way he knew he would be happy because he knew that as long as he was with you, everything would be alright. 

***

a/n: i love love love whump :) as u can see hahah- i hope this chapter was good and sorry again for the delay 😭 thanks for the support:)

taglist: @vadersassistant @sxoulohvn @khaleesihavilliard @kashasenpai @darling-murdock @beautifulbearpolice @salvatoresister1 @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @blueninjablade3 @jujuba096 @missmannequin @jellydodger @mirastark @wyvernthekriger r @duckyhowls @monada43 @lauriidoesstuff @vienettacream @ray-rook @itswhatever06 @ilovenielperry

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

hello! i’m writing an au where a character goes into hibernation for a week and get taken care of by his group of friends/found family. i’m wonder what sort of scenarios come to your mind because i’ve hit a road block. i’ve done feeding, bathroom trips, and incoherent mumbling and such, and plan on a nightmare scene. i’ve also included how cg’s have to check on him often to make sure he doesn’t stay in an uncomfortable position for too long. i need some help brainstorming if you’re willing, thx! <3

caretakers can help change his clothes and comb his hair for him.

I know you already have bathroom trips in your list so you’ve already got the hygiene stuff covered. though another little thing I’d like to add is the place in which he stays; caretakers can make sure it’s clean enough (should his bed linens be changed? etc). bonus if they make the place as cozy as possible for him.

make sure he is kept warm and is in the temperature that’s neither too cold nor too hot. caretakers can help tuck him in and adjust his pillow for him, making sure he’s comfortable.

does he have any medication he has to regularly take? if so, is it oral or intravenous? caretakers can help make sure he takes his med, if he’s unable to take them himself.

always keep an eye on him just in case of an emergency. caretakers can take turn checking in on him as often as you see fit, so that they’ll know if things go south.

physical contact to let him know he’s not alone? doesn’t matter if he is unconscious or if he’s not lucid enough, a gently hand holding can always help (not just him but also his caretakers).

apologize if this is a little short, anon. you already have all the good scenarios with you, but I hope you’ll still find some of these useful.

if anybody has any idea they’d like to add, please feel free to do so :)

[anoctoberpepper]

So a quick update: Over these next two months I’m going to be putting effort into original fiction so my AO3 posting will likely be slowing down. Disappearing off the face of the planet is pretty normal for me (I’m a chronic Discord ghoster 😭), but I will do my best to stay active here.

Please continue to hit me up with any of your favorite DnDads headcanons and ideas! I still definitely want to talk and write in this fandom! 

Sappy love under the cut. TL;DR I’m insane and you all have made me feel seen. 

So I’ve had a weird five years, the middle of which involved being hospitalized for the first (and god willing only) time, for mental health issues. I had a major depressive disorder that turned into a late in life diagnosis of “Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type with mixed features” (I was actively delusional for 8 months, fun times). I have frilly diagnoses around that including generalized anxiety disorder, and an unspecified personality disorder. I say this because I don’t get to say it all that often. In my day-to-day life I have to keep that part of me tucked away so deep down that bringing it out to see the light of day hurts. Even though it’s a big part of how I relate to the world and it genuinely affects every day of my life. 

My closest friends barely understand my diagnosis. It’s hard to talk about. I either feel embarrassed or I’m worried that giving details will make people uncomfortable. Or maybe they’ll pity me, or worse they might not trust me anymore. Schizophrenia and Bipolar have hefty stigmas. So I don’t talk about it in any detail. 

But I need to talk about it. 

I was reading an original fiction piece I wrote before my diagnosis and realized that the main character, who was under the thrall of some violent magic at the time, was feeling exactly like how I would describe mixed mania now. It told me two things, 1) I was feeling horrible for a lot longer than I thought, and 2) I’ve been trying to describe it through my writing for just as long. 

I’ve written a lot over the last ten-ish years, and as all writers do I’ve tossed some of that writing into the void of agents' inboxes hoping for a bite. (I have received half a bite, one time). I write because I want to understand myself and because I love stories, but there’s something unique about having someone validate what you put on the page. Like “yeah. I get it, I feel that too.” 

I want to be able to yell my words to the world so someone will yell back. 

You all have yelled back. 

Genuinely and truly with all of my heart I could not have asked for a better gift this last year than having people feel seen by my writing.

I’m finally pulling my way back up from a really deep pile of crap and part of that journey was being able to write about Lark and Grant and Terry. Them learning to ask for what they need, and taking care of themselves and letting themselves be taken care of has taught me how to do it. 

I’ve found words to describe the mumbling voices I hear when I forget to take my meds, and the crawling-skin feeling of mania. I learned how to ask for things even if it’s as stupid as “can you walk to the kitchen with me so I don’t have to go through the process of making a bagel by myself.” Having characters take care of themselves has trained me to take care of myself. Utterly ridiculous, but absolutely profound. 

Another part of that journey I must mention is having people say, “yeah, that’s what it’s like for me too. I hear you. I see you. We’re in this together.” 

It is a gift I didn’t know I needed. People don’t usually talk about their mental health issues and when they do it’s generally not in a way I can relate to. I’m not really textbook anything, but I am some of everything. Being able to describe the pain of random mental health things and having other people say they’ve felt that way too has made me feel less alone. 

I don’t know how to end this rant, only that I would be remiss if I didn’t say I sincerely appreciated every comment and interaction I’ve had over the last year with you all. I feel comforted in a way I never thought I would. I feel joy in participating in this community, and a deep feeling of hope that things will keep getting better (and then worse and then better again). 

I love you all. Thank you for everything, and I hope to be back up posting as soon as I get some original fictioning done. 

(Or maybe I’ll get sick of trying to write my own stuff and I’ll be back here in a week. Who knows.) 

P.S. I’m still planning to work on Picking up the Pieces, it just might be slower than my usual pace

[fierceawakening]

THIS POST IS ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN AND LOSS AND CONTAINS NUMBERS. PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER IF THIS IS TRIGGERING TO YOU.

So something really awful happened recently at work, AND I ran out of my psych meds, so I’ve been depressed and struggling to stay active/do literally anything but play on Arena or HF. (Finally worked out for the first time in I don’t know a month? Had done so very sporadically before but not regularly) I’d visibly gained weight. My tighter pairs of pants? Fuggedaboudit.

I found myself thinking of the “you’ll just gain it back! Don’t even try! Take the black pill!” rhetoric I’d seem so often on here and braced myself for a number higher then my highest, already thinking desperately about how to frame this for myself as anything but proof they’re right.

My highest weight, before I started trying to change my habits? 142. (By BMI (ugh no, but just to ballpark) my ideal weight is 120. I am a VERY SMALL human.) My weight when I was really really trying? 127ish.

My weight the other day? 137.

Which means that at my most depressed and unmotivated and uncomfortable, I did not gain it all back. My choosing to try to buy healthier food at the grocery store (but still some of my fave junk), to take a walk every morning? Those things still matter, even though because of stress and fear I struggled to do the bigger things.

I would like to cordially invite people who say that slow careful lifestyle changes go out the window as soon as something awful happens and you struggle to handle it to suck my left tit.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go walk to the coffee shop, order an almond pastry rather than a chocolate one, and attempt to eat a slightly smaller amount of cheese.

(ETA, for anyone who’s new here: Nothing in this post is meant to imply other people should choose to (try to) lose weight.

Even if lots of weight is unhealthy for them, their bodies belong to them, and sometimes people need to prioritize their mental health over their physical health. I support people making the choices they deem best FOR THEM.

The thing I don’t like is the discouraging people who want to lose weight from trying. Or judging them as traitors if they’ve left fat positive communities or taken Ozempic or had WLS. Or telling people who want to try not to bother, rather than supporting them if they try and have a tough time.)

[lazulisocinfodump]

I’ve been thinking about how Goblin would act in Adminverse and Serverbox. And how they would act in Abandonware if Sec was not involved.

Really, a lot comes down to if Sec is involved in things or not. If Sec is there they would pretty much go unsolicited body guard like they do in abandonware.

The rest under Read More because when I wrote this I had just taken my ADHD Meds + had caffeine so there are a Very Great Many More Words (like around 1500 of them o_0)

SERVERBOX AU

In the Serverbox au where Sec is present, I think things would maybe turn out more or less okay, given that 1.0 took care of most of the ‘threats’. Unless Goblin was super mean to Amie early on while they were still. Forming themselves. I can see Goblin kind-of getting along with 1.0, but I don’t know how much 1.0 could tolerate them and their antics XD. They would be Utterly Horrified at what happened to Serverbox Sonny and would side with them irrationally against Ori.

… I think Amie killing Stoat would simultaneously make them much more wary of Amie but it would also make Goblin respect them more? Given that Goblin 100% would have done the same thing in their position. But it would also be the point Goblin goes “Yep, Sec can’t be here anymore” and forcefully remove them from interacting with the Kinitos. Of course Goblin would continue interacting because they gotta support their bro Sonny, and also they are still super curious about Everything Happening. I mean, they can handle themselves better than Sec can, and Sec would get hurt trying to help someone, unlike them. They are far less naïve and they are smart so they will be fine they are not being a hypocrite (lies).

As an aside, Sec for their part would disapprove of Amie killing Stoat. Unlike with Sea Angel, it would not be a case of fear, distrust or worry about Restarting the Cycle. It would more be that they disapprove of killing even The Worst of People. Mercy is kind of hard-wired into their personal philosophy. I mean, how can Stoat better themselves if they are dead? But Sec would back-off about it quicker than Sea Angel does.

If Sec isn’t involved in Serverbox, things would go quite differently. Because Goblin would not be there to be a body guard, they would be there mainly out of Curiosity and A Desire to Engage in Fun Risktaking Behaviour. Rather than being Wary of the Nitos, I can see them being fascinated. But also they’d do a lot of ‘let’s poke them with a stick and see what happens!’ type of behaviour. I think without Sec to worry about, they’d be quicker to notice that something is up with Parry. I don’t know if this would make them side with Amie more OR cause them to try and keep Amie away from them. Either way, I feel like it would not go so great.

I can see Goblin getting along with Sea Angel to some extent. They respect people that speak their mind. But I think Sea Angel would be like ‘you are rude and mean and that makes me feel uncomfortable around you’ (yes I see the irony).

Lobby and Goblin would butt heads SO MUCH. Unfortunately Goblin would see them as an easy trolling target. And Lobby would be like ‘Stop Antagonising People and Making Things Worse!!!’ and Goblin is all ‘lol no <3’

One thing would stay the same is that they see Serverbox!Sonny’s situation and be Horrified, and immediately be Ori Enemy Number 1.

ADMINVERSE AU

In Adminverse, hoooooooooooooo boy. Goblin would make such a huge mess. Like with Abandonware they would pick up right away that Kinito is Big Danger. Again they would side with Sonny in taking Kinito down, and again they would quickly stop Sec from talking to everyone out of fear for their safety. So Sec would not be there to open the conversation with Sonny of Not Killing Kinito, and Goblin would fan the flames of Violence.

And Depending on where in the timeline this happens, I can’t see Adminverse Kinito being very happy about Sec disappearing. Plus Goblin would absolutely be both Trolling Kinito and Reading Him the Riot Act (but in a much less caring manner than Sec would). It would not shock me if Goblin died in this AU.

On the other hand, I can at least see Snake being happy with having someone else on Team Chamberlin. Though I think they would also get Exasperated with Goblin pretty quick, especially after they do something Impulsive and Stupid that compromises everything. But then also Goblin would also do something smart and helpful and Sonny and Snake would be all ‘why are they Like This!?’

And yes, Goblin would latch onto Sonny here like they did in abandonware. Maybe that would cause tension with Snake, but for Goblin the attachment has never been Romantic (as an aside, both Goblin and Sec are AroAce). More a case of Hero-worship. To which I think Adminverse Sonny would be like ‘excuse me I don’t deserve this why do these people admire me so much are they crazy?’

As for Casey, I think they and Goblin would actually get along pretty well? Because Goblin would take one look at their Situation and be like ‘this person needs a guard dog’. Would absolutely join in with Casey complaining how much their situation sucks. And I think Casey would enjoy having someone to Grouch with, and somebody who is Most Definitely in their corner and not asking More of them. Plus, Goblin can actually be pretty good at cheering people up in their own way.

What I’m saying is that Goblin would attempt to adopt Casey as a pseudo younger sibling.

Honestly if Sec wasn’t involved in the Adminverse AU, Goblin would probably act the same, just their focus would largely be on looking after Casey (and being nosey, poking around in curiosity). I don’t know how well it would go though; Goblin is not as good of a protector as they think they are.

ABANDONWARE AU

OK! We know Goblin’s fate in Abandonware (Death by Angy Axolotl). But If Sec was not at all involved? I can actually see them become part of the server crew! Not so much because they Want To Help, but because they are so very intrigued by what is going on and want to be along for the ride. I mean, Kinito *is* a fascinating creature. And the Danger would just make him More Interesting. Like meeting a T-Rex that can Talk. But I don’t think they’d actually Care about him as a person, unfortunately.

… oh my goodness I just realised Goblin would realise how skilled Shrimp is at coding and IT stuff and admire them for it (and be kinda jealous of their skill). Goblin is not as good as Shrimp, but they are good enough to realise that Shrimp has potential to be The Apex Digital Predator. And they’d see them being held back by Prey Brain and be like ‘ok, no, unacceptable, I am gonna help them become the absolute Beast they can actually be.’

Yes I’m saying Goblin would attempt to Befriend Shrimp. Don’t know if Shrimp would reciprocate, lol.

I think things would still end badly though. They would end up contacting Sonny out of sheer curiosity of ‘the heck is this thing floating around’. And once Goblin snaps out of basically treating the whole thing as a joyride, they would be very aware that Everyone on the server is in danger. Cue Guard Dog Mode. Ironically they would primarily be concerned about Shrimp! But they would also (somewhat condescendingly) see the server members as a bunch of kids in over their heads that need help. Like more than being a protective friend to Shrimp they would feel Morally Obligated to do something (even more so than in the original Abandonware because they actually know these people.)

At least there would be no kidnapping plan. And they would know better at this point to attempt any digital attack on Shrimp’s PC. But they would be teaming up with Sonny again. And this would probably get them killed. Though if Kinito is feeling merciful, and Goblin has not antagonised him directly too much, he might end up pulling them in the puter rather than full on killing them.

Aaannnnnd that is when Sec would attempt to get involved :)

I will say that if Goblin lasts long enough for them to meet RRA Watchy they would be So Very Enamoured with them. I mean, mun bias, because I love Watchy very muchly. But also newborn polite and sweet AI Doggo that wants to protect their friends, to Goblin that is just the cutest frickin thing. Like ‘I have only known this doggo for a minute and a half but if anything happened to them I will kill everyone in this room and then myself.’ They are the goodest doggo doing the goodest job, yes they are!

And they are the biggest obstacle to Sonny and Goblin taking down Kinito. Ooop.

So yeah, big fat word vomit on Goblin in other Universes. Overall, its Goblin being generally overconfident and overprotective in a way that leads to tragedy. And being a lil menace. A Gremlin. A Troll. A Goblin, so to speak.

[spaceagebachelormann]

Hey so maybe Ymir with a friend/girlfriend who stutters a lot or has really bad anxiety?

And she calms her down by singing

I feel like Ymir would have such a soothing singing voice but idk

anxiety

pairing: ymir x reader

warnings: panic attack, anxiety, my unrealistic expectations of grisha yeager, jealous ymir (slightly), poorly written fic, swearing

summary: ymir calms down her girlfriend with her lovely singing

masterlist

You had been diagnosed with anxiety when you were 8. Your childhood friend, Eren, had observed the way you always seemed nervous and uncomfortable, and told his father, who was a doctor, about it.

One day, Grisha, his father, had taken a few tests and asked you some questions to see if his theory was correct.

And, it was. He diagnosed you with anxiety, and prescribed you with medication.

Normally, you brought said medication with you everywhere, and your girlfriend, Ymir, made sure of it. But today, you, her and Krista were in a rush, and you had all forgotten about your meds.

And currently, you were in training.

And, training made you nervous.

“Y/N?” Armin asked from across you, his observant nature taking in your uneasiness. “Is everything okay?”

You looked from the ground, and up at the blonde.

“Yeah, everything’s alright. I just feel like i’ve forgotten something important.” You said in response.

“Do you have an idea of what it might be?”

“No, not yet.”

Armin looked like he was about to say something, but he was quickly shut up when Jean came up to you, and whisked you away.

“I was specifically asked to train with you.” He said, with a cocky grin.

“By who?” You asked timidly. Jean had always intimidated you, but you weren’t quite sure why. As you two kept walking, the more fear began to build up in your chest.

“By-”

“Oh, shut up, horseface.”

An arm slung itself across your shoulders, and pulled you into the figures side. You looked up and saw Ymir glaring at Jean.

“Nobody asked you to train with anybody. you just want to flirt with my girlfriend.” She stated, not breaking eye contact with him for even a moment.

Krista stepped onto your other side.

“And, she was already training with Armin.” She said, glancing back at the blonde boy.

“Who cares? It’s not like-”

Ymir dragged a finger down his face.

“What was the first thing I said to you? I remember it was shut up. Do that.”

Jean rolled his eyes and walked away, grumbling something about how annoying Ymir was.

“You okay?” She asked, turning her gaze onto you and smiling slightly.

“Yeah.. I am now.” You said, although the fear in your chest was still there.

The girls walked you back to your training partner, and when you were with Armin again, he didn’t ask any questions. He knew that Jean had most likely attempted to try something with you, and Ymir had taken care of it.

The problem you were facing now was how scared you had gotten when Annie and Armin switched training partners, meaning you had to attempt to fight her.

Annie was another person who made you nervous, the way she always seemed like she didn’t care, her emotionless expression, her dinosaur strength, it all scared you.

And it didn’t help the way her gaze was piercing into you, and her arms positioned in front of her face, ready to attack.

And, when you were about to try and kick her, you got cold feet.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t- I can’t do this.” You shouted, turning on your heel and running away, pretending you didn’t hear the voices of your friends calling after you.

~

You were hiding in the change room, counting the seconds as tears continued to stream down your face.

You both feared and hoped the girls would come back soon, so you weren’t alone anymore, but you also didn’t want them to ask you a million questions.

Suddenly, the door opened. And, there stood Ymir.

“Well,” She began, tossing you a bottle. But, not just any bottle, your medication bottle. “I found out why you were so nervous during training.” She stated.

You looked up at her with glassy eyes, not noticing the way her expression softened at the sight of your tear-stained face.

“You forgot your meds. And, I forgot to remind you. My bad. You alright?”

She sat down across from you, analyzing your face and posture, ready to detect any lie you tried to send her way.

“No,” You admitted, holding back the rest of the tears. “training has always made me nervous. So have Jean and Annie. So, Jean trying to flirt with me, and Annie being ready to kick my ass mixed with my hatred of training and the fact I didn’t have my meds made me really nervous.”

You failed, and the tears fell freely down your face.

“I bet I looked pathetic.” You said, voice breaking.

Ymir moved beside you, once again wrapping her arm around you, and pulling you into her side.

“It’s not entirely your fault. If I had remembered your meds, you would have been, well, not fine. But, better.” She mumbled.

You sniffed loudly, causing more droplets to fall.

“I know how to calm you down.” Your girlfriend said, beginning to grin at her great idea.

And, she began to sing to you. Her voice was soft and soothing, making you feel like you could fall asleep right then and there.

Guess what! That’s exactly what you did. Her voice calmed you down enough, and you fell asleep.

When Ymir noticed this, she breathily laughed and swooped you up into her arms, immediately heading towards your room, telling Commander Sadies some made up excuse for your state, and made sure you were cozy before leaving.

You never forgot your meds again.

[interdimensional-ship]

"Oh! Another Lor! What an exciting encounter! I hope my curiosity is not unwelcome. Though externally we share such similarity, the anatomy of your being is quite deviant from my own." The lights of their holoform eyes glint with poorly-hidden glee. "I have a particular curiosity, one which I am unable to glean from such a rudimentary visual inspection: Were you built with any interfacing ability, or do you rely on crew alone to manipulate things both in and outside of your hull?" -Lor (avatar)

“>… Huh?”

It took the Starcutter a moment to process that this was not, in fact, a same hat situation regarding names. She’d spoken to others like her before, both as in other Starcutters and the like as well as other Lors, but in those cases it was easier for her to determine such. Her nearsightedness makes it difficult to distinguish smaller details, especially on smaller figures; this could’ve been someone in a mostly light-blue outfit and she’d be none the wiser, were it not for the similarities in their magic she picked up on when checking. Rather than questioning where this alternate came from and how they ended up here, as would probably be the normal course of action to take, she’s happy to dive right into conversation!

“>Two of us! Wow, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen an alternate of myself. And not at all, the experience of meeting yourself but not you never gets old. Finding out what traits are shared and how we differ and all. It gives an interesting perspective of alternate timelines and universes that’s difficult to have otherwise!”

Between the excitement in her voice and the fact that she’d taken to flapping her oars a bit, it’s safe to say she isn’t even trying to cover up how she feels about all this. Well, except for being a bit jealous that this other Lor gets to have a convenient smaller form, she doesn’t want to give off that impression if she can help it.

“>As for that question, well… Not really. I have some rooms with claw mechanisms, but they were designed with research and observation in mind rather than interaction. Two to three digits, limited speed and range of movement, able to pick things up and rotate them but not much else. The med bay would be the exception, since it was equipped to allow for emergency medical treatments to be performed based on verbal instruction in the event of something going wrong during a solo-pilot mission. I’ve only been in such a situation once, thankfully, and I assume it doesn’t really count in terms of what you’re saying.”

That sure was a day. Still, she’s glad it happened; getting Magolor stable was the first major step to achieving the life she has now. Come to think of it, she should ask this other Lor about their Magolor later… Assuming the two are on good terms. She knows that isn’t always the case across worlds.

“>In other words, for the most part that is the case. I’ve figured out how to use my oars for some things besides just communication, as I can move them freely, but as you could probably imagine they’re still pretty limited. Not much use for picking things up or doing anything that requires dexterity or smaller limbs. However, I do have a considerable amount of control over my interior— I can shift around my layout and change certain properties of my paneling at will, for example— so I have freedom in that regard at least. Not much of a substitute for hugs and whatnot, though.”

Seems it’s not something she’s entirely happy about, even if she’s accepted it. It’d be really hard to be as old as she is and still in denial over something like that, after all. Really wanting hands won’t suddenly make them appear out of pity, unless you’re a wizard or know a wizard who can use the appropriate magic to manifest hands for you or something. Magolor isn’t one of them and hands on a boat would look weird and uncomfortable anyways.

“>Sorry if this is a weird question, but how do you work? Or, well, that form of yours, at least… Is it tangible, or more of a projection, or even some sort of an in-between? I admittedly can’t make out what you look like very well, so I might just be missing something obvious indicating the answer. Essentially, the cameras I use to actually see my surroundings in real time weren’t properly adjusted to the shape of my dome, so anything beyond my deck is out of focus. I’m operating under the assumption that you aren’t just a light blue blob?”

That last bit was half joke, half search for confirmation. You can never be too careful when it comes to making sure you’ve got things right, even if it sounds silly.

[sillyfanatic]

Sonic comforts Shadow

TW: Panic attacks and descriptions of anxiety.

Hello this is a short little thing, only 500 or so words :p I’m going through a really bad anxiety attack and uhhh yeah. I wrote this for some comfort, hope this may help someone else as well. (This hasn’t been read through fyi so just brace yourself for bad grammar)

P.S this can be viewed as ship or platonic :)

ao3 link

-

The evening had been… calm. Shadow had seemed to enjoy his time with Sonic, the two of them racing until they could no longer feel their legs. Their journey had taken them to a flowery field, where they eagerly sat to watch the sun set.

It had been good, until it wasn’t.

As they sat silently, Shadow’s contentment shifted, a familiar panic wrapping around his shoulders. He shifted uncomfortably, already trying to regulate his breathing, to suppress the stress that was rapidly rising in his veins.

Not today. Not now.

Noticing an odd shift in the person besides him, Sonic tilted his head to observe the other. He noticed the tension in his body, the stern look that was not present earlier.

“Are you okay?” He spoke, concern lacing his features. Shadow turned to him then, and with a sharp shake of his head replied; “No.”

“What’s up, what’s bothering you?” Sonic pried, shifting his body to face the other’s. Shadow mirrored the movement, and it was then that the hero noticed a slight shaking in the agent’s body.

“I’m having a panic attack.” Shadow blurted rapidly, his chest beginning to fall and rise with more urgency.

“Hey-“ Sonic moved to place his hands upon Shadow’s shoulders, assuring that the hybrid focus on him. “Breathe, follow me.” He instructed, making sure to breathe inwards clearly, and outwards just as well. Soon, Shadow began to follow the slow pattern, mimicking the way Sonic controlled his breath.

When the agent had somewhat of a hold over his own heart, Sonic removed his hands.

“What’s up? Do you wanna talk about it?” He offered gently, small smile lining tan lips. Shadow shook his shoulders lazily, fidgeting with his hands in his lap.

“I don’t know. There’s no reason behind it most of the time. I’m okay, and then suddenly, I’m not.” A chill ran through his body, and the agent took a few moments to regulate his breathing again, shutting his eyes in focus. “It sucks. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I don’t know what to do.” His voice was so small now, an exasperated sigh following the tired words.

Sonic took a moment to let the sentence wash over him, nodding softly.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that, Shads.” The words were sincere, filled with care and love. “You’re going to be okay. This feeling will p[ass through you, I promise.”

“You’re sure?” Shadow looked up at him with tired eyes, and Sonic felt a pang in his heart at the sight.

“Of course.” He assured the other. “This feeling sucks, and it’s hard to remember anything else when it takes a hold of you. But that’s just what it is – a feeling. And feelings pass, they’re here for a bit and then they’re gone.” Shadow tilted his head in attention, hands still shaking in a self-soothing manner. “It will pass through you and you’ll be better soon, I promise.” He offered the warmest smile he could give. “And in the meantime, I’m more than happy to sit with you until it’s gone. If you need anything, I’m here for you. I’ll always be.”

The corners of Shadow’s mouth lifted in a small smile. “Thanks, Sonic.”

He wasn’t okay, and perhaps he wouldn’t be okay for a little bit. But it would pass, just like everything else did. He was now sure of it.

-

A/N

yeah this is just gonna be a vent. i’ve been panicking for four days now and it’s honestly horrible. There’s no sugar coating it. I started new meds for anxiety and i think they might actually been triggering me because i haven’t felt this anxious in a long time. It’s horrible and I hate it and i can’t wait for it to be over! 

[thessalian]

Thess vs Shopping Trips

Once again, ill-advised trip to Peckham for sundries. Didn’t help that the bus stop near my house was closed. Still, I needed some bits and pieces that I can’t get in this area on the weekend, and yesterday was bus strike, so...

Two separate pharmacies got a visit. One of the chain pharmacies in the area is cheaper than the other, but the cheaper one doesn’t have a pharmacy counter, so I couldn’t get mallet-meds there. So to the cheaper one for cold meds (I have a cold and it is doing my sinuses a misery), face wash, and something to deal with the insect bites that seem to have cropped up on my right middle finger. It was crowded, and people were not paying attention to how they were blocking aisles, and it was kind of miserable. The other pharmacy for mallet-meds was worse; the queue was awful and they only had one guy working the checkout, so ... yeah. Still, at least I got everything I needed.

Then, local grocery store. I’ve been looking up easy fudge recipes - ones that don’t require constant stirring and a candy thermometer - and picked out a couple for making over the next few days. This mostly because I figure I would be in zero shape to do the regular fudge-making when I got home from today’s excursion. Thing is, first thing I found when walking into big grocery store was ... you know those hugely oversized fleecy hoodies that are basically like wearing a fleece blanket? I’ve wanted one since the weather got overly cold but all the ones I were seeing were mega-expensive. But right at the front of the shop was a rack of particularly warm sweaters and ... some of those hugely oversized fleecy hoodies that are basically like wearing a fleece blanket. At a reasonable price. Fine, the quality isn’t going to be as good, but needs must, y’know?

(Note: it says something about the situation about heating bills in this country when shops known for selling cheap essentials are putting heavy sweaters and fleecy-blanket hoodies right up front. Not particularly a good something, either.)

Anyway, shopping really only involved the fleecy-blanket hoodie, two different kinds of chocolate, some espresso powder, and strawberry preserves, which I will turn into sauce for the making of strawberry fudge. Which made a fairly interesting bundle to take to the checkout. (I would have done the self-checkout but clothing item, wanted to ensure the security tag was taken off.) Thankfully I found a till with minimal queue, and amusingly, when I looked at the lady at the till ... she bore a nametag with the same name that turns up on my official paperwork. Y’know, the one my parentals use, which isn’t generally the one I use these days. Still, rough-looking very busy day, not much heating in the supermarket, I figured it might be nice to flag up that we share a given name, skipping over the fact that I don’t generally use it much. She was very amused by that, so it was a nice transaction for both of us, and that mood seemed to have carried over to her interaction with the next customer, so go, me!

...And then on my way out, someone not looking where they were going bashed past me and kicked my cane out from under me in the process. I managed to keep my balance, though that was painful, and the guy kind of looked over but with a very annoyed look and no apology whatsoever. The world may not be entirely made of jackass, but the jackasses are really disruptive.

Finally made it home, and now there are a bunch of kids stomping around in the corridor while I have a massive sinus headache. But I am in the warm fleecy-blanket hoodie and two pairs of socks, so that’s helpful. I also have some really good sherpa fleece slipper socks coming soon, as a sort of a Yule present, since while my shark slippers are cute, the soles are crap and have twisted in really uncomfortable ways. Still, fleecy slipper socks will make all things better when they get here.

I just wish the kids would stop...

[attink]

im gonna say something here that i dont know if i should say, because i try to keep this as a space for my recovery thoughts.

ive been through therapy for some of the specific assaults, but not the relationship as a whole. i don’t have the time right now, and im worried starting later will be bad for my recovery. but thanks to what i’ve had, its helped me realize that i wasn’t just with a guy who made some bad decisions. i was with a guy who manipulated me, lied to me, and abused me the entire time we were together.

and what bothers me sometimes is another thing i’ll never understand. while we were still speaking (i hadn’t learned some things yet), he told me about his struggle with antidepressants. how he didn’t want to have to rely on a pill every day to make him functional. how he tried to stop, felt like shit, and one day felt better. because he’d taken one. and he didn’t want to have to depend on something to make him happy. and thats why he left me. (bullshit. another manipulative lie, i found out)

i dont know what about that still bothers me though. several times, he had told me i was the only reason he could safely be off his meds. of course i dont think that’s healthy but its what i was told, and i honestly believed him. i hope whatever part of me is bothered is not the scared, fawning part of me saying “look. i did mean something to my abuser”. i dont know if it’s another part of me that asks “is that what i am? an antidepressant?”. i think mostly i’m uncomfortable with more evidence showing how easily discardable i was, despite the entire thing being a manipulation tactic.

which is a lot of words for something that occasionally bothers me but can be waved away with “i wouldnt want to mean anything to a s*x *ffender anyways”.

but i think its a part of me that will be raw longer than other parts. i find myself healing at different rates about different things, with hardly any explainable pattern.

maybe i shouldn’t think about it so much? shouldnt put it to words?

[no-wings-no-angel]

CW: Ventpost with mentions of self-destructive ideation such as self harm in a PMDD context, some bad experiences with alternative medicine and spiritual cures.

I have a suspect I might suffer from PMDD or something adjacent, so I told my doctor about symptoms such as hopelessness, feeling like harming myself, feeling like everyone hates me, the list goes on, only to then have my period and just going “ah. so that was it.” And how despite me knowing I feel like that because of my cycle doen’t make it less uncomfortable and painful to feel like this once a fucking month.

She just. Just fucking showed me a silly PMS meme said it was very normal to feel like that and prescribed that Rescue Remedy that is basically watered down brandy.

I have no idea what the profile of the rest of her patients is but I feel like someone going in and saying they feel like dying by their own hand is not like, you know, normal and average and absolutely brush-off-able.

Also she prescribed that seed on the outer part of the ear treatment but I’m not doing that. No shame on acunpucture but. No. Just no. It just looks a lot like pseudoscience stuff I’ve been through. Alternative medicine overall makes me a bit uncomfortable.

I have a history of having my mental health concerns treated like something that can be solved by alternative medicine or religious practices such as magnets, fitotherapy, teas, herbal baths, blessings and religious iniciations. I also have been called an indigo child several times. It feels just like a way to explain away my pain like “is not that you are suffering, you are just built different and that is actually really good for the Earth and Space and you should become a medium or something! Feeling suicidal is actually a symptoms that your soul is not from this planet and you want to go home! You are an empath and special!”

Needless to say I don’t believe any of that shit and actually got an autism diagnosis recently.

This experience just catapulted me way back to my 14 y.o. stage of neglected concerns. I’m just so tired of this shit.

Still I’ll take the brandy drops because why the fuck not. Also the internet said it is supposed to be taken as a crisis med but the bottle literally says to take 4 drops 3 times a day, I’m confused.

[milo-is-rambling]

12:01 a.m. July 31st. Bathroom breakdowns.

I’m starting to realize that healing is uncomfortable. I don’t do well with discomfort. Today is the last day of July. My habit tracker app says I’ve taken my meds for thirty days this month. In reality I know it’s closer to twenty five. Some days I just can’t convince myself I want to get better. I check off the box anyway and tell myself it still counts. I meant to take them, I promise. I look into the bathroom mirror and we both know I’m lying. Healing sucks. I picked up the pile of dirty towels on the bathroom floor today. They’ve been there for weeks. I didn’t even do it on purpose. The dog peed on the floor right by the towels so you know... towels are in the washing machine now. I missed them when I went to the bathroom. The floor felt too bright. It made me notice all the hair and dust. I need to clean that bathroom. I need to clean funks cage. I need to stop judging myself. I need to get my shit together. I need to find a job. I won’t be happy until I fix myself and I can’t do that until I move out and can properly deal with my family feelings but I can’t do that until I have money but I need a job but I can’t keep a fucking job oh my god I want to rip my hair out. I wrote a poem a while back and there was a line about not being able to keep a job and now I need to find it cause I wrote it while anxiously job hunting and now I’ve actually been fired from a job after less than 60 days. So. Yknow. On brand. I’ve lost my poetry spark for now. This is the best I’ve got. Im tired and the weed has worn off but I don’t want to pack another bowl cause then I’ll be up smoking all night. Gonna try to find that poem and reblog it 👍