#I’ve just started watching Bobby’s adoption stream

[e-adlirez]

QSMP Jaiden doodles

I’m very late to the party but uh, school scheduling makes watching the streams live hard if not impossible to watch, so uh currently on a binge to see what the fandom’s been silly about

The tattoo :[

[comradeboyhalo]

Badboyhalo QSMP Lore Masterpost

Disclaimer: Heavily used q!Bad’s wikipage to make this, so I recommend reading through it if you're short on time! Not included is his backstory lore which I’ve summed up here. 

Most of Bad's streams are 6-8 hours long, so I've tried my best to include timestamps. Heavy lore usually occurs early in, but Bad is in-character 90% of the time, so many of his character developments happen naturally and slowly. 

He also has these vods archived on Twitch, so just head over to his channel if you prefer to watch there.

☆: Most important vods in my opinion for q!Bad’s lore if you’re really short on time.  

Finding the Ticket

☆ First Day: The first day of the QSMP

☆ ☆ Adoption Day: The first day of the egg event, in which Bad adopts Dapper. This also is the start to his daily QSMP streams.

Save the Baby Quest // JuanaFlippa Trial: 

After JuanaFlippa dies, Slime goes on a rampage and tries to kill Dapper. You can watch the murder attempt on this vod from 3:56:00 and onwards.

The next day, the eggs are kidnapped. Bad tries to rescue Dapper and is unsuccessful because the server is down, so not linking the vod.

Finally on the day of the trial, Bad tries to save Dapper again and is successful. Then, he goes to represent Slime at the trial as one of his many lawyers. 

☆ First Encounter with Code: Around two hours in, Bad and Foolish talk with Luzu and see his supercomputer. He drops lore and the Code attacks Bad for the first time.

Second Encounter with Code: Bad, Foolish, and Maxo go adventuring and are attacked by the Code multiple times. Quackity discusses his nightmare with Bad at 4:30:00. This is also the start of Theory Bros, and Bad and Maxo’s theories. 

☆ ☆ Dapper’s Nightmare: Dungeon raid starts around 7 hours in. Dapper’s first death. 

Brazilians Join // Second Egg Kidnapping: The eggs are kidnapped the day the Brazilians join. Bad goes to save Dapper at 1:55:00. 

☆ Theory Bros First Base: Max shows Bad and Cellbit his investigation room at 1:45:00. Starred because it’s a good section to watch for a quick recap of the current lore. 

☆ Ramon’s Nightmare: After the egg graduation, the Code attacks 4:18:00. I recommend watching the entirety of its attack, until the vod ends. 

☆ Dapper’s First Death: There is a LOT of lore in this vod. The French arrive in a plane crash around 1:25:00. Code attack 3:05:00. Bad learns about Sofia 5:15:00. Dapper dies 6:44:00. Bad goes to destroy the supercomputer 7:00:00 and I would recommend watching until 8:24:00. 

Bobby’s Dungeon Event: The entire server helps Jaiden and Roier see Bobby again. Later, Bad and Cellbit spy on Quackity. Would recommend watching up until 4 hours. 

Cellbit “Traitor” Arc: Cellbit goes missing and returns different. The comment section has timestamps. Cellbit’s wiki should explain the situation fully from his perspective.

Pomme Attack: Occurs 40 minutes in. Pomme is attacked by the code.

Black Box Recovery: Talk with Sofia + the discovery of the plane black box around 2:55:00. 

Cellbit + Felps Rescue: Timestamps in the comment section. Honestly not that important for Bad’s personal lore.

Train Tracks Investigation: Bad, Forever, Baghera, and Cellbit walk to the ends of the train tracks at 2:22:00.

 Grim Reaper Lore: Around 3:15:00 Cellbit wants to resurrect Roier’s grandfather. Bad is uncomfortable with this, and continuously warns against it.

I honestly don’t know how to categorize the election arc because its spans a long chunk of time. But links to Bad’s two debates are here and here. 

Day 101: The Code returns at the beginning of the vod and is acting strange.

The Code Threatens Leo: 4:40:00 for a Bad and Foolish dungeon raid that’s fun to watch. The code appears 1:18:00. 

☆ Blue Bird Mission: Bad, Foolish, and Cellbit assist Jaiden on her mission given by Cucurucho, and Bad is an absolute beast in the dungeon. The mission starts very early into the stream and ends around 3 hours in. 

☆ The Timer Runs Out: The timer discovered in Jaiden’s mission runs out. This occurs around 30 min into the stream. 

The Secret Room:  3:27:00, Bad finds a book that leads to a secret room in the dungeon, and investigates with Cellbit. I didn’t star this yet, but it could become very important information in the future. Edit: Important for Cellbit lore. Read his wikipage or watch his vods for more info. 

☆ ElQuackity Assassination: Movie night (animatics are shown in the theater) and the Theorybros put in motion their plan to assassinate ElQuackity (around 2 hours in).

Mr. Mustard Goes Missing: The start of Foolish’s mission to find Mr. Mustard. Included because it’s a good kickstart to Foolish’s Federation lore, which you can learn more about on his wiki. Also includes Bad and Foolish’s 3 hr contest of wills.

☆ Election Dinner: Pre-election dinner and speech, and more code lore. 

Cucurucho’s Survey: Cucurucho gives Bad a task 30 minutes in, and collects it 4 hours in. The Federation responds on this stream, time stamp in the comments.

☆ ElQuackity Assassination #2: Bad formulates a plan to eliminate ElQuackity from the elections, and then goes to execute it. 

☆ Dapper’s Kidnapping: Quackity’s POV goes more in-depth on Dapper’s end, but Bad has a nice monologue afterwards. 

Elections: Aftermath of the elections, stream of the results is on Quackity’s channel. 

Nether Escape: Forever’s nether escape plan. Also the start of Bad’s “vacation arc” where he tries to “rest” (read: cope with alcohol and Skeppy) after the elections.

Dapper's Death Day: Bad celebrates Pomme and Tallulah's birthdays, but notices Dapper is missing. He finds a message from Dapper an hour in.

Quackity Returns/Skeppy Call: Quackity returns and Bad questions him a little. He also succesfully calls Skeppy and, afterwards, drops lore on his backstory. 

Part 2 can be found here!

[batterycityghoul]

If I may make a request, how about: “I’ll keep you warm.” & “Kiss me.” for Klaus/Reader? :3c

Title: My Favorite Place is Your Warm Embrace

Pairing: Klaus Hargreeves/Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Author’s Notes: Adding in that ‘reader is number eight,’ was also mentioned. I’ve been in a Marvel mood, so reader’s power is inspired by Bobby Drake from X-Men. Title comes from ‘Bittersweet’ by Panic! at the Disco. Thank you so much for the request! I really, really hope you like this! 💖 

When you were thirteen years old, you decided to run away from home.  

To be fair, your father wasn't really your father and treated you like shit basically from birth. He adopted you from a woman who didn't want you, paying an obscene amount of cash just to procure you. He referred to you as an investment and a superhero and a disappointment. You were never his kid. To him, you were only ever Number Eight.  

You knew your father had numbered you and the other unfortunate kids in his care based on your perceived usefulness. You never really could get over how he placed you in the least 'useful' spot, even behind Vanya who didn't even have a power.

It wasn't long after Five went missing that you decided to try your luck and left as well. You would miss the others, but you longed to be out of Reginald Hargreeves' home. Anywhere was better than the Academy, you reasoned with yourself.

The first few years were rough. You didn't have a home or anywhere to really turn to. It wasn't until you were almost seventeen that you finally found somewhere you belonged.  

You didn't intend to visit a theme park, especially one that sounded as lame as 'Winter Wonderland Snowflake Palace.' You didn't have much cash on you and while you shouldn't have wasted the ten dollars to get through the front gate, you wanted something that would make you happy if only for a few moments.  

However, what you found inside ended up being depressing and almost dreary. For a place that claimed to be a 'winter wonderland,' it was almost scorching inside, the air conditioning unit obviously useless and humming so loud that you could barely think.

You walked into a room with fake, styrofoam snowmen and snowy mountains painted on the walls. There was a little girl crying in the middle of the room. She was steadily begging her mom to leave, tears streaming down her face as she yelled that she wasn't having any fun and it was too hot. You caught the harried, stressed look on the mom's face and listened to her hesitantly tell her daughter that she couldn't afford to take her anywhere else, so they should stay and try to have a good time.  

You glanced around, not seeing anyone else, before you cautiously reached out with your power.

A chill swept over the room, ice creeping along the walls, before snow seemed to start falling from the ceiling.

The little girl gasped, an expression of awe-struck wonder on her face as she glanced around.  

"Mommy! It's snowing!"  

You felt a grin tug at the corners of your lips as you watched the girl start running around the room in delight, an almost relieved expression on her mom's face.

"You're doing that," you heard from beside you.

You jumped, glancing to the side to see a man standing there.  

"I don't know what you're talking about," you denied with a shake of your head.  

The man offered you an unimpressed look, quirking his eyebrow at you in response. "I'm not stupid, kid. This place has been a dumpster in hell for weeks. You walk in and suddenly it's perfect? You're doing this. I don't know how, but you are."

You narrowed your eyes at the man, not sure how to respond. After a few moments, you shrugged your shoulders, figuring it wasn’t worth it to keep lying. "So what if I am?"

"Are you here with anyone? Got anywhere to be?"

"Why?" You asked, suddenly feeling defensive.  

"Because if you're up for it, I think I have a job for you."

You learned later that the man's name was Bobby. He offered to buy you dinner in exchange for you taking the time to hear his job proposition. He took the time to brief you on the history of the park, explaining that he had inherited it from a relative, and even though he was doing his best to stay afloat, it was quickly falling apart.  

He offered you a place to stay and a job as long as you agreed to use your power to help him stay in business.  

You weren't sure if it was a good idea. Bobby was a complete stranger to you, but you decided to give it a try.  

It didn't take you long to figure out that you loved working for Bobby. You had always wanted to use your power for something mundane without the weight of the world pressing on your shoulders. Bobby allowed you a freedom you never had at the Academy and while you worked for him, you had a hand in making sure everyone who visited the theme park had a blast.  

You slowly formed your own little family with the other people who worked there. You came to rely on them and found yourself wishing that you had grown up with them as your family instead of being acquired by Reginald Hargreeves shortly after your birth.  

As you grew older and started feeling more confident in your powers, thoughts of your childhood drifted from your mind. You no longer felt like you were useless or a burden all because you didn't really want to be a superhero. You started to feel important and involved, Bobby and everyone at Winter Wonderland making sure that you had a place to stay and never went hungry. They looked out for you, so you looked out for them.  

By the time you were nearing your mid-twenties, you felt like you had completely grown into yourself. You were happy and while you hadn't kept up with anything to do with Reginald Hargreeves or the Umbrella Academy, you knew there was no way you would ever have to worry about them again. There was very little chance they would ever find you and you weren't making it a point to look for them.  

Of course, you should have known that the second you assumed you would never hear from another Hargreeves again, one would manage to stumble right back into your life.  

You were working in the snow cone booth when he walked up to the counter. You barely bothered to look at him, intent on getting the perfect amount of syrup on the ice before you handed it over to the customer already standing there.  

"I know you," the stranger said.  

You finally glanced over at him. He was standing there in a tie-dye tank top with a black, patchwork coat thrown over it. When you gave him a once-over, you noticed his tight, leather pants and converse shoes. Add to that the eyeliner smudged all around his eyes and it shouldn't have worked, but you had to begrudgingly admit to yourself that there was something compelling about him.  

"No, you don't," you denied, shaking your head.  

He grabbed your left wrist, his fingers brushing over the tattoo inked there. "Oh, Diego isn't going to believe this!" He exclaimed, grinning at you.  

You turned your skin to ice in response, causing him to drop his hold on you.  

"Klaus," you surmised, managing to finally recognize him. "It's been a while."

"I'll say," he said on a laugh. "We all thought you were dead. Like Ben."

You felt your stomach drop at his words. "Ben's dead?"

"Oh, shit," Klaus gasped. "You didn't know."

"Of course I didn't fucking know," you snapped. "I left when I was thirteen. How would I have known?"

Klaus considered you for a moment, looking you up and down, before a smirk slowly formed on his face. "You know, you're looking really good. It’s really a shame you left us. Although, we all ended up leaving eventually. Well, except for Luther."

You rolled your eyes, knowing that Klaus was likely to keep rambling, before glancing to the growing line of customers behind Klaus.  

"What are you even doing here?" You hissed at him, finally handing over the snow cone to the first customer.

Klaus shrugged his shoulders. "I was bored and thought this place looked like fun."

You studied Klaus for a moment before you shook your head, recognizing the look in his eyes. "You weren't bored, you're high."

"Bored and high," Klaus corrected, winking at you.  

You sighed before moving to open the side door to the booth, waving Klaus inside. You directed him to sit at the small table you kept in the back, waiting for him to be seated until you next spoke.  

"What flavor?"

"What?" He asked, shooting you a confused look as he picked up the book you had been reading on your breaks.  

"Snow cones, Klaus," you reminded him, gesturing around the booth. "And hurry. I have customers."

You saw his eyes light up at the idea of the frozen treat, seemingly thinking over his choices for a few moments. He murmured something over his shoulder before he glanced back to you.  

"Cherry," he finally decided.  

You rolled your eyes, grabbing a paper cone and holding your hand over it, filling it with ice. You saw Klaus lean forward in the chair, studying you. By the time you poured the syrup over the ice and handed it over to him, he was grinning at you.

"What?" You asked, feeling uncertain for a moment.

"Nothing," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Just thought it was cute."

You opened your mouth to protest, but it was then you were cut off by one of the customers still waiting for you.  

"Um, excuse me?" You glanced over to see a kid standing there, his eyes wide as he stared at you. He held up a dollar bill. "Can I buy a snow cone?"

"Right," you muttered, suddenly remembering that you were at work. "Sit there and finish that," you commanded Klaus before you moved back to the counter to take the kid's order.  

Klaus disappeared not long after that, but he ended up coming back the next day. And then the day after that. And the one after that.  

By the time he showed up at the theme park every day for two weeks, managing to seek you out no matter where you were working in the park, you started to question a few things.  

"Why are you paying to get in here every day? I can always meet you after work," you offered, having gotten used to Klaus' presence by the end of the first week of his daily visits.  

"Oh," Klaus breathed, glancing to you with wide, nervous eyes. "I'm not paying. I've been jumping a gate at the back every day."

You stared at him for a moment before breaking out into helpless laughter. "Of course you have," you said, realizing that you should have known Klaus better than that.  

It didn't take long for you to fall into a sort of relationship with Klaus. By the end of the first month of Klaus' visits, you had to admit to yourself that you were looking forward to seeing him each day. He made you look forward to each day, always enjoying the anticipation of getting to see him again. 

You weren't sure when your relationship really changed. It just seemed like it naturally progressed from point A to point B, both of you falling into it easily enough. 

You never really talked about the Academy, instead choosing to focus on other topics. You told him about how you ended up working at the park and he told you about any and all of his escapades. You were never bored with Klaus around and you started to realize that you couldn't picture your life without him in it anymore.  

You were working at the skating rink one day, making sure to keep the ice nice and smooth, when Klaus bumped his hip against yours, startling you.

"Hey," he whispered. "Let's get out there."

"What? No," you said. "I'm working."

"Oh, come on, Y/N. Live a little." He wrapped his fingers around your wrist, tugging you out towards the ice.  

"We're not even wearing skates!" You pointed out, trying to pull your arm out of Klaus' hold, but he wasn't relenting.  

Klaus pulled you out onto the ice, taking careful, faltering steps as he walked. You reached out with your power, making sure you didn't slip as you let Klaus lead you. He moved out to the center of the rink before he turned to look at you, a pleased grin on his face.  

"See? That wasn't so bad!"

You shook your head, a reluctant smile on your face. "You're ridiculous," you couldn't help but say, feeling yourself blush at the look on Klaus' face.  

His gaze was intent as he took you in. He bit his bottom lip, his hands coming up to rest on your hips. "You know," he said, his voice lowering as he dipped his head towards yours. "I have no idea what we're supposed to do now."

You couldn't help but laugh, feeling breathless at the sight of the smile breaking out on Klaus' face.

"Hey!" You heard Bobby yell. "No shoes on the ice!"

You startled at the sound of Bobby's voice, your feet slipping out from under you. You fell back onto the ice, Klaus falling after you. The breath was knocked out of you as Klaus landed on you, his arms coming up to bracket the sides of your head as he attempted to keep his weight off you.

You heard Klaus laugh and when you glanced up at him, he was considering you with a soft, thoughtful look on his face.  

"Hey," he whispered, reaching up to card his fingers through your hair.  

"Hey," you echoed, not really sure what was going on, but knowing that you wanted more. More touching and more Klaus.  

Klaus pressed down, his lips brushing against yours. "This okay?"  

"Just shut up and kiss me," you breathed, bringing your hand up to press it to the back of his neck, pulling him down into a kiss.

That night, you took Klaus back to your apartment. It was in a building owned by Bobby's boyfriend, Simon. You were grateful that you never had to pay rent, so long as you were working for Bobby and helping him out. It meant that for the first time in your life, you felt like you truly had a home, and you were more than happy to share it with Klaus.  

You planned on getting dinner and seeing where the night took you, but that all went out the window the second Klaus stepped foot in your apartment. You only had to share one look with him before you were all over each other, barely managing to make it back to your bedroom, a trail of clothes left in your wake.  

Later, after you were both more than content with how you chose to spend the night, Klaus got up to use your bathroom. Thanks to your power, you usually felt cold. You had to bundle up in the middle of summer, a pervasive chill beneath your skin that always left you seeking warmth.  

You had yourself wrapped up in your comforter by the time Klaus got back. You saw him pause in the doorway of your room, a grin on his face as he watched you attempt to warm yourself up.  

"You still have that problem? I thought you would have grown out of that by now," he said as he approached your bed.  

"Yeah, well, you're still kind of an ass. I guess there's some things we'll never truly shed."

Klaus smirked at you before he reached for the edge of your comforter, ignoring your indignant whine.  

"Don't worry. I'll keep you warm," he purred, finally managing to pull the comforter out of your grip. He slipped beneath the covers with you, pressing himself against you. "So, how about another round?" He asked, waggling his eyebrows at you.  

You couldn't help but laugh, moving to wrap your arms around his waist in an effort to get closer to him, soaking in his warmth. "Sounds like a plan," you told him, pulling him in for a kiss.

[mandalou29]

Strawberry Wine

Word count: 3,022

Warnings: Underage drinking, cursing, alcohol abuse, addiction, child abuse (most of these are very mild and not overly graphic)

 Ya’ll this is not perfect. Hopefully I didn’t make too many mistakes.  Any feed back is appreciated.

Chapter 2  

“I was thirsting for knowledge and he had a car. I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child.” ~Deanna Carter _

This was a dumbass idea.  Why did you let Sam talk you into this party?  You were currently looking in the mirror trying to decide if you should change for the fourth time.  As you have finally decided to change shirts again you hear a honk from outside.  You peek out the window to see Dean’s 67 Impala that his dad had gifted him on his 16th birthday.  Well, looks like you are wearing this.  You take one last look at your jeans, Joan Jett t-shirt, and light sweater deciding it would have to do.  You run downstairs and grab your purse.

“You on your way out”, your mom asked.

“Yes ma'am.  I should be back by 11ish”, you said smiling at her.

“Just be careful.  You keep those boys in line and have fun.  Happy birthday baby”, she said hugging you. “If you want to be later tonight you can.  You are 18 now.”

“Thanks, but I don't imagine we will want to be out that late”, you told her pulling back.  “Love you”, you tell her as you open the door and rush down the steps to get in the car.  You slide in the back seat.

“Hey guys.  Sorry it took so long”, you said as Dean turned to look at you.

“No problem sweetheart.  Happy birthday (Y/N/N) I got you a little something”, he said and handed you a perfectly wrapped package.

“Thank you!  Did your mom wrap this”, you asked suspiciously?

“I am insulted that you would think that”, he said with a smirk.

“So... yes”, you laugh as you open it.  Inside was a CD that had the words “COLLEGE PLAYLIST” on it.  “What’s this”, you asked looking up at him.

“It is all the music you should play on your way to college.  I think you will love it.  And if not, you have no taste”, he winked as he turned around and put the car in reverse.

“Here’s my gift.  Happy birthday (Y/N/N)”, Sam said handing you another wrapped gift.  You opened it to find a book on musicians.

“Thanks guys!  I love them”, you said smiling at Sam.  “So, this party... should be fun”, you said nervously.

“Yeah.  Sammy said you both wanted to cut loose.  I figure we will probably leave about 11.  So, don’t go wandering too far out into Bobby’s woods tonight.  And please don’t get so far gone I have to carry you out”, Dean said.

“Right!  Because me and (Y/N) have never had to carry you in and deal with you being so out of it you started hitting on the car”, Sam scoffed.

“In all fairness and in his defense, I've seen him come on to the car sober”, you said with a straight face.  Sam snickered while Dean gave you his best bitch face.

“Ha-ha!  You are both hilarious”, he deadpanned.  “But I’m serious.  I don’t want to have to explain to the parents that I let ya’ll get plastered underage.  So, keep it cool and we will be fine”, he said.  He turned up AC/DC while Sam just rolled his eyes.

You sat back and just listened as you watched the familiar scenery out to Bobby Singers place.  Bobby owned a junkyard with about 50 acres out of town.  Bobby and John were best friends so you all saw a lot of him.  He was an old crank but had a heart of gold.  He was like a second dad to the boys and you.  He had a soft spot for you.  He had lost his first wife years ago.  She had died trying to deliver their daughter.  Neither one had made it.  So, he had drank and turned into a bitter old man.  That was until he was around all you kids.  Bobby would have made an amazing dad.  

Whenever Sam and John fought and Sam needed to cool off, he would go to Bobby’s for a few days.  Bobby, rough around the edges Bobby, always had an extra bed and a wealth of knowledge on why you were being an idgit.  But not once did he send someone home before they were ready.  He would let whomever it was parents know they were safe and he had them until they were ready to come home.  You had all spent your fair share of nights at Bobby’s.  He was always so patient.  You had only seen him truly angry once.

You had been about 12 and you and Sam had hitched a ride out to his place because Dean was there.  John had been a drinker back then and normally harmless.  This time however he had got drunk and when Dean had got between him and Sam (because Sam hadn’t finished cleaning out the garage) John took a swing at 16-year-old Dean and broke his nose.  Dean just told Sammy to go to your house and stay there until their mom got home from work.  Dean then packed a bag and went to Bobby’s.  

Your parents had been out when Sam had come over shaking and crying.  He brokenly told you what happened as you hugged him.  John had always had a temper but that was the first time he had ever laid a hand on either of them.  You and Sam had both heard the Impala start up and watched Dean drive away.  You both figured he was going to Bobby’s. So ya’ll made sure John wasn’t outside before you ran down the road towards Bobby’s.  When you both had gotten far enough down you had started walking.  You had been at it about 30 minutes when Crazy Ash pulled over to give you a ride.  He was a friend of Dean’s and a good guy so you knew you were both safe.  

Once you had gotten to Bobby’s and saw Dean you wished you hadn’t.  Dean sat at Bobby’s table holding a rag up to his nose and he was crying.  You had never seen Dean cry.  He was so tough, so strong, and fearless.  But there he sat in tears while Bobby sat listening to what happened.  Dean had looked up and seen you and Sam and immediately wiped his eyes.  

“What are you doing here”, he asked still holding his nose.  Sam had flown across the room to hug him.  Dean caught him and held on both of them with tears streaming down their face.  You didn’t know what to do so you went to sit on Bobby’s front porch steps.  You had just sat when John pulled up in his truck.  He got out looking pissed.  You got up and started backing up when the door opened behind you and Bobby stepped out.  

“Go inside sweetheart”, he said never taking his eyes off of John.  You ran in and went to the living room window where Sam was watching his dad walk up to Bobby.

“WHERE IS HE BOBBY?!  I WANT DEAN OUT HERE AND HOME NOW!  SAM TOO”, he screamed in Bobby’s face.  You had never seen that look on either of their faces before.  John full of drunken rage and Bobby so full of anger that his face was red.  The blow to Johns face was still surprising.  

“Those boys aren’t going anywhere unless it is with Mary and ONLY if she kicks your sorry ass out first!  How dare you lay a hand on either one of them?  I’m gonna give you 10 seconds to get the Hell off my land before I shoot you for trespassing!  You need to get your shit together John and now!  Before you don’t have anyone left”, Bobby yelled hauling John up and shoving him into his truck.  Bobby had come back in and called Mary who showed up about 2 hours later.  Having first called Sheriff Mills to file a report and then gone home and thrown John out.

You had never seen her like that.  To you, that night, she was Wonder Woman.  She was fierce.  She took charge and stormed in ready to defend her cubs from the world.  You and the boys had been piled up on Bobby’s couch after he called your parents to let them know where you were and he would drive you home later.  The boys had picked some action movie to watch and Bobby made dinner.  She came in spotted you all.  Sam ran straight to her for a hug.  Dean stood up and she never looked away from his face.

“Dean, honey”, she said softly after she let go of Sam.  Tears filled her eyes as she walked over to her oldest son and gently touched his face.  Then her eyes hardened.

“He won’t touch you again.  He has moved out.  I’m so sorry baby.  But I promise this will never happen again”, she said looking him in the eye before hugging him tightly.  She had driven you all home that night.  John had, had a long hard road ahead of him.  Mary hadn’t let him near any of them until he started anger management classes and going to AA.  It was a year before he was allowed to come home.  But he was different.  You could tell he was a man who loved his family.  He was still a hard ass and had a temper but he walked away far more than he engaged.  You hadn’t seen him have more than two beers in years and you knew he would rather die than ever lay a hand on any of them again.  You learned a lot that day all those years ago.  You learned how fierce sweet Mary could be and how protective Bobby cold be when it came to their kids.

You finally saw Singers Salvage come into view.  Dean turned down the dirt path driving toward Bobby’s huge pond in the middle of the property.  Dean parked by a few other cars towards the woods.  The party was already in full swing.  Music was playing, a big bonfire was going, people were dancing, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.  You already felt out of place.

“Alright, you kids don’t do anything I wouldn’t do”, Dean said waving to a couple of his buddies and heading in their direction.

“Hey!  There is Tim and Mike.  Would you care if I go say hi?  I’ll be right back”, Sam said eagerly.

“Yeah it’s fine.  I’m gonna go find a seat by the pond”, you replied with a smile.

“Cool!  Meet you over there”, he said taking off.  You were left alone.  Completely out of your element.  You slowly started walking over towards the pond, nodding to a few people you knew as you went.  You were almost to the water when you tripped and bumped into someone.

“I’m so sorry!  Are you okay”, you asked as you grabbed a hold of them to steady you both?  You looked up to see Alex, Sheriff Mills adopted daughter.

“I’m fine.  Are you okay”, she asked also having grabbed onto you?

“Yeah, just clumsy”, you replied letting her go and straightening.  “I really am sorry”, you said again.

“You’re good.  How have you been?  I heard you got a full ride to Julliard.  Congratulations”, she said smiling.

“Thank you.  I did and I’ve been good.  Excited and nervous, but good.  What about you?  I heard you are going into nursing?  That’s pretty awesome.  Jody must be ecstatic”, you babbled.

“Yeah she is.  Anything that keeps me out of trouble makes her happy”, she grinned.  “Well, I’ll see you around (Y/N).  Good luck in New York”, she said with a smile.

“Thanks!  Good luck saving people”, you said with a small smile and a wave.  She walked away just as Sam walked up and handed you a whole bottle of wine.

“What’s this”, you asked raising an eyebrow?

“I don’t know some kind of wine.  I figured you would like it more than beer”, he said with a grin.  His eyes a little too bright.

“Have you already been drinking?  Dude, it’s been like ten minutes”, you said with a laugh.

“Mike handed me something and told me to chug.  Twice.  So, maybe a little”, he laughed.  “Are you okay or do you need me to stick around”, he asked glancing over at Time and Mike.

“Go, have fun.  I’m fine”, you said gesturing to your bottle.  “You have me all set”.

“Thanks (Y/N/N)!  Happy birthday!  If you need me, I won’t be far”, and with that he was gone again.  You smiled.  He deserved to have fun.  And he deserved whatever hangover he got for leaving you alone.  You chuckled and made your way to a quiet, dark spot by the pond.  You looked at the bottle.  Some cheap strawberry wine.  You sighed.  You wished you had just stayed home.

“Hey (Y/N/N).  Having fun”, you turned to see Dean sitting beside you.  

“Sure.  I’ve got my wine.  Your brother ditched me.  What more could a girl ask for”, you said with a laugh.  

“He ditched you?  You want me to kick his ass for you”, he asked looking around.

“Nah.  He’s having fun.  I’ve never seen him really cut loose.  I want him to enjoy himself”, you said.

“Not having a great birthday huh”, he asked grabbing your bottle looking at it.  

“You know this really isn’t my thing.  I came for Sam”, you said.  He looked over at you and smiled.

“You are his best friend.  He loves you.  I’m not sure what next year will be like with you apart.  I kinda wonder if this isn’t him preparing himself for that.  And maybe preparing you a little too”, he said opening the wine and taking a drink.  You laughed as he made a face.  

“I’m going to miss him.  And you.  I won’t have anyone to boss me around.  Or scare off guys for me.  I’ll be all alone.”

“If you need us you know you can call and we will come running”, he said passing you the bottle.  You looked at it before tipping it up.  It was sweet and tangy and went down easy.  It wasn’t very strong.  But for someone who didn’t drink it was plenty strong.

“I know you would.  I hope you know the same goes for you both”, you said passing the bottle back.  You and he sat by the pond for hours talking about the future.  He had given you the bottle at one point and you had drunk almost all of it and were feeling pretty good.

“Hey sweetheart, lets round up Sammy and head home”, he said standing and walking over to you. He reached down to pull you up and you grabbed his hand.  That’s when things went wrong.  He tugged on your arm and somehow slipped in the mud pulling you with him.  You landed on top of him and he had landed in the mud.  You were laughing, he as cursing, and you couldn't even get off of him, because you were laughing so hard. You looked down and Dean smiled up at you.  You finally calmed down enough to ask,

“Would you like me to get off of you?”

“I don’t know.  I could think of worse things than having a pretty girl laying on me”, he said. You looked into his eyes.  He put his hand o ur cheek ad leaned up and captured your lips in the sweetest kiss.  He tasted like the wine you had shared.  Everything about him overwhelmed your senses.  He smelled like the cologne you would always associate with him, like the outdoors, and always a little like oil from working on cars all day.  The earth moved, fireworks went off, and the stars aligned.  It was everything you had imagined kissing Dean Winchester would be and it was over too soon.  Dean leaned back and smiled softly.

“I really do need to get you and Sammy home”, he whispered. You blinked.  Was that it?  Was that all he could think about?  Your whole world just changed and he acted like it was no big deal.

“Oh, right!  Sorry”, you said quickly getting off of him and helping him up.  You tried not to let your feelings show on your face.  Which was made a little easier by the fact that he was covered in mud and you couldn’t help but giggle.

“Go ahead!  Laugh it up!  My jacket is ruined”, he grumbled but smiled.  You both started walking to find Sam.  You found him a few minutes later.  Close to the fire and way past tipsy.

“Come on Sammy.  We gotta get you home”, Dean said helping Sam stand and then having to support his weight.  “I told you to go easy tonight.”

“You’re bossy.  Ain’t he bossy (Y/N/N)?  Tell ‘im he’s bossy”, Sam slurred with a pout.  Dean rolled his eyes as you giggled.  You all got back to the car and Dean put Sam in the backseat since he was already out cold.  You got in the front and tried not to think about Dean kissing you.  The drive home was quiet.  Dean had the windows down and you felt the effects of the wine ease of a little.  Dean pulled into your driveway.  As you reached for the door handle Dean laid a hand on your arm.

“Make sure you drink a bottle of water and take two ibuprofen.  You won’t have a headache.  Happy birthday sweetheart.  I’ll see you tomorrow”, he said with a smile.  You nodded and thanked him.  You made your way inside; grateful your parents were already in bed.  You followed Dean’s instructions and made your way to your room and got ready for bed.  You wished you could get that kiss out of your mind.  But as you laid there and dozed off you knew you wouldn’t.  It was a dream come true.  You had kissed Dean Winchester.  You smiled softly as you fell asleep.  It was worth saving your first kiss for him.

[tippitv]

Supernatural Recap: 14.03 “The Scar”

THEN!

Jack is really having a hard time since Lucifer stole his grace, essentially rendering him a very handsome but otherwise normal young human. Michael (in Dean) has been going around burning the eyes out of people as some kind of "experiment." Then somehow Dean ends up getting rid of Michael and the cap he was wearing. What??? I'm now realizing I've somehow skipped that episode. Oh well! Pressing on in ignorance!

NOW!

Dean returns to the bunker, riddled with anxiety. "Every time I think about it, it's like a nightmare," he says as Sam trails him. "I can't eat, I can't sleep... it's always just there watching!"

Is he talking about his recent ordeal of being possessed by an archangel? The very one he fought so hard against many a season ago? Of course not! He's talking about Sam's fluffy new beard! And he's still wearing his Michael clothes, so at most it's been a couple of hours and it makes no sense even by Wisecracking Dean standards to talk like it's been days.

Sam is worried. "You didn't talk a lot on the whole ride here," he says. He was coming up with complaints about your beard. Dean tries to play it off, saying he doesn't remember anything from his time possessed by Michael. "I'm just really happy to be home, he says," then sees the Bunker Bunch.

For some reason he's really puzzled by their presence. Or maybe he's surprised by how they seem to have settled in. Also, why didn't they go in through the front door? They must have come in through some back door. The rarely-seen garage entrance? I need to stop asking all these questions or I'll never finish. I'm only one-and-a-half minutes into this.

Only this ONE GUY notices that the person they've been looking for for WEEKS is now suddenly in their midst. Give him an award!

"Not Michael anymore," Dean says when he sees the guy looking wary. "Yeah, Chief told us," the guy says. THEN WHY WERE YOU TAKEN ABACK? No award for you.

Jack walks into the room and notices him right away. Give him that guy's trophy! His little face lights up. Then Castiel walks into the room and sees him and the orchestral strings swell with emotion. They say each other's names while staring holes into my TV screen.

Like... look. I'm actually pretty Destiel-neutral. I don't care a lot one way or the other if they get together, but I'm not immune to noticing when people try to burn each other's underpants off using nothing but their eyes.

Then Jack changes the subject before anyone can start fucking right there on the nearest table. "Where's Mary?" he asks. Sam awkwardly explains she and Bobby stayed back in Duluth to clean up what Michael did. Dean excuses himself to go take a shower.

Jack reveals that Nick is gone. Castiel explains further, but whatever. I'm just glad he's gone. Sam is understandably a little freaked out, but Cas is more concerned about whatever's going on with Dean. "Why would Michael just give up his vessel like that?" he wonders. Sam shakes his head.

Dean, alone in his bedroom, starts to undress, revealing a big new scar on his upper arm. It looks like a hipster mustache.

Cue the title card that will always remind me of the Target sign!

Dean brings his upper arm to the Winchester inner circle. Everyone wonders what could have hurt Michael like that. He wants Cas to probe the hot, moist depths of his memory to find out why he has a hipster mustache on his arm.

Flashes of images reveal some cloaked figure stabbing Michael-in-Dean with a spear tipped with a giant crab fork. Ah yes, it's Bad Kaia from the Unseen Dinosaur Universe who killed Original Flavor Kaia. I mean, we know her because we saw her face in the Wayward ep, but the Winchesters don't.

Meanwhile in South Dakota, Jody Mills gets a text from Claire updating her with what's been going on.

A moment later, she gets a call from the Winchesters to let her know Dean is back. Also to tell her that whoever killed Kaia came through the episiotomy in spacetime and might be in her neighborhood.

They describe Dean's mustache scar to her and it turns out she's been finding headless corpses with the same marks. She didn't think that was weird enough to call anyone back at the bunker? I mean, even if she thought they were human, it seems like a weird possibly culty thing. Jack wants to go with them to see Jody, but Dean puts the kibosh on that. Jack turns away, dejected and alone.

Suddenly, a subplot enters the bunker.

Someone named Jules brings in a teenage girl who's the victim of some kind of witchcraft. "Looks like an aging spell," Cas remarks because she has one wrinkled hand. Oh and there were apparently other victims but they didn't survive. He tries to heal her, but fails. "This might take a while," he says.

Dean wants to just scowl and drive fast, but Sam wants to talk. "We still have no idea why Michael let you go," he says. Maybe he's just seen the show's IMDB page and knows things have to sort of be back to "normal" so that the season can have its Fun Time 5th (sometimes 4th) episode!

They do the usual thing of Dean not wanting to talk about his feelings and Sam wanting him to talk about his feelings. A jangly guitar in the soundtrack plucks out a few mournful notes of Stoic Masculinity while we watch the muscles in Dean's jawline.

The Winchesters meet up with Jody in the middle of the woods. She catches them up with what's going on with the Wayward cast off-screen and pets Sam's beard like it's a playful kitten.

Jack packs up a bag, ready to leave the bunker behind, and places a note upon his bed. He's only a year old, so I'm kind of impressed he can write so legibly.

On his way out, he hears people in the infirmary and goes to check. It's Castiel and Jules with the winkly-handed teenager. "She's been enchanted," Cas explains. "Like Sleeping Beauty," Jack says, somewhat awed. But the witch's magic can't be healed because of Reasons, so Cas is looking up a spell Rowena recommended. Is she still off with Charlie on a road trip in the Southwest?

Cas notices Jack's backpack. "Are you going somewhere?" he asks. "Um... no," Jack replies. Cas makes a memeable face.

The Winchesters and Jody explore the lush coastal rain forest of South Dakota. It takes them all of five seconds to find one of those heads from the headless bodies. For some reason, it looks eerily like Mark Hamill circa Empire Strikes Back.

Oh there are three heads, arranged on pikes around the smoldering remnants of a campfire. Dean pokes around and finds vampire fangs on all of them, but Jody had Alex test the bodies and they didn't react to any of the normal vampire triggers.

While Dean examines the campfire, Alternate Kaia attacks him and the others with her crab fork spear. For some reason, she doesn't kill them but her hood falls back and they see her face for the first time.

Alternate Kaia makes an escape while everyone is too busy wondering how there can be another Kaia, even though duplicate characters are pretty common by now. They're all pretty sure she killed the OG version, though.

Back the bunker, Wrinkly Teen still has just the one hand that seems to be affected. She wakes up when Jack touches her hand. She looks over at Cas. "Is that your dad?" she asks. "One of them," Jack says. Do you think she assumes there's a two dads married to each other situation, or that there's a bio dad and adopted dad situation? The girl reveals her purpose as the subplot.

Parallellogirl says a witch took in her and two other girls, and even gave her a fancy pendant. Oh her wrinkles are spreading up her chest now. I feel like someone would have taken a look at that necklace and realized right away it's involved. She says the other girls withered and died the same as she's doing now.

In Sioux Falls, Sam somehow realizes that Michael sent the vampires after Alternate Kaia.  Oh I see... the same thing happened with werewolves in the previous episode and I missed it. Michael is making monsters with special immunities to their usual weaknesses. Werewolves are impervious to silver, vampires aren't affected by dead man's blood. Who knows what other monsters Michael has enhanced?

Back at the bunker, Cas and Jules try the reversing spell, but all they get is a burst of cool purple smoke. The subplot girl's wrinkles spread. She chokes for air. "Help," she gasps. Jack watches in horror and thinks about how useless he is.

Dean tromps ahead through the forest while Jody and Sam bring up the rear. Sam notices that Jody seems to be avoiding Claire's calls. She doesn't want to upset her with news of Kaia's killer. Off Sam's puzzled look, Jody explains, "First love strikes quick... and to lose it like that?" So, Kaia was a woman of color AND possibly a wlw. And imo, no, having an alternate version of her doesn't undo the Bury Your Gays trope although I do appreciate Berens at least trying to make things canon in this episode.

Dean catches up to Alternate Kaia outside a rustic cabin that looks like every rustic cabin, and punches her in the face to knock her out. His face makes this kind of scary, numb expression

When Alternate Kaia wakes up, they've got her tied up in the cabin. They talk about OG Kaia. "What I was to her, and what she was to me, you could never understand," Alternate Kaia says. She was trying to kill Claire when she killed Kaia instead. She says Michael has been sending monsters after her ever since she got here. Cut to three new monsters sniffing around her old campsite. Except for their teeth, they just look like they're trying to find the nearest Field & Stream store.

Oh the girl at the bunker is dead. Castiel covers her with a sheet. Jack's eyes well up with tears.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to Jack and he pulls back the sheet. "The witch... Where's her body?" he asks.

Back in South Dakota, the gang is trying to figure out what to do with Alternate Kaia. "We should bring her to the station," Jody says. "No, we need to break her right here and now," Dean argues. Sam is kind of horrified and confused. Alternate Kaia explains.

Dean wants her spear because it's the only thing that can hurt Michael as far as they know, and he's "willing to do whatever it takes."

Then he literally plants his boot between her tied, spread legs and kicks her chair several feet across the floor.

Look, I'm not opposed to characters doing ugly things when it makes sense but this is uglier than they probably intended.

Oh okay so the witch's body is in the (heretofore unseen??) bunker morgue. How did they not notice that she's wearing the exact same pendant as Subplot Girl?

Back to Dean as grabs Alternate Kaia by the front of her shirt and gets in her face. "Where is the spear?" he demands. Maybe it'd be less awful if he hadn't also bullied OG Kaia into opening the rift in the first place. She just smiles at him. This would be a super great time for Jody and/or Sam to pull him the fuck off her.

But we cut back to the morgue. Jack exposits about how the witch was sucking out the girls' youth. It seems blatantly obvious, but everyone else needed to be kinda off so that he could realize he's still useful.

Jack breaks the witch's pendant and some mysterious green life force floats back into Subplot Girl's corpse. It works! She's as good as new, or at least not dead or wrinkly anymore.

Alternate Kaia says Dean is just like Michael, using threats and violence. She saw what he did to OG Kaia when he got mad. "You're a dream walker, too," Sam surmises. She was connected to OG Kaia her whole life and saw what she saw. Although, if that's true, then she should have known that Claire wasn't a real threat to her and not tried to kill her.

Flashback to Michael making her the same offer he made everyone else.

She doesn't want to join his side or give him her spear, so fisticuffs ensue. That's when she stabs him like a cocktail olive and it apparently hurts him enough that he'd give up his jaunty cap. I mean his ideal vessel.

The Field & Stream monsters have found the cabin. "We only came for her, but I was never one to turn down a buffet," one of them says. Man, same. The fight gets underway. Even though they're superpowered monsters, they just barely have the upper hand with the Winchesters and Jody. Dean manages to get his gun out and shoots the leg of Alternate Kaia's chair. She frees herself.

"Now you're in trouble!" Dean laughs to the monsters. Alternate Kaia leaps out the nearest window. "Or not," Dean quips. Although it would serve him right for her to leave them to it, she returns a moment later and spears one of the monsters through the back of his head.

She's put her hood back up, too. Does the hood also have magic properties?? She kills the other two monsters in as many seconds, then whooshes her spear around like it's a prop in a dance number.

Sam sensibly points out that the monsters will keep chasing her as long as she has the spear, but she's not exactly going to trust them after all that. They should have just asked her what makes it special. Maybe they could make one of their own.

As everyone makes their way out of the woods, Dean starts, "Jody..." But she stops him. "You have nothing to apologize for." Well... okay. She's more worried about what she's going to tell Alex and Claire, and she's sorry she barely got to know OG Kaia before she died. "I just feel like I already lost, before I ever even began..."

Back at the bunker, Castiel and Jack have a heart-to-heart. Cas beams with pride and it's very sweet. "You proved you have the mind of a hunter, and the heart of a hunter." He invites Jack to go on a hunting trip with him.Jack reacts like someone just asked him if he wants to go to Disneyland.

But then he gets a little cough. He plays it off like it's just a cold, but we all know what it means when someone gets a little cough in fiction.

Yep, he's one romantic duet with Ewan McGregor away from an untimely death.

On the road home, Dean feels like he can finally open up about his feelings a little now that we're in the denouement of the episode. He says he put them all in danger today. He didn't want to think about what Michael had used him for. "I just wanted to race ahead, skip to the end of the story... where I take out the bad guy."

Dean says he remembers feeling like he was drowning while he was possessed. I can't help but compare it to his "Heaven and Hell" speech and how moving that one was. But you know how the saying goes. You either die young or you live long enough to die young again, and then you live long enough to die when you're middle-aged, and then you live long enough to be possessed by the villain, and then you make a similar speech to the one you made 10 years ago.

Jack is sitting alone in his room when another coughing fit hits. This one is worse. This time he coughs up blood into a tissue. Hm... What's that I hear?

So that's where we end the episode. Do you think Jack will die? Do you think Jack will die and come back? Reblog with your guesses below!

And now’s the self-promo time when I add my Ko-Fi link! (ko-fi.com/A4017DA)

These are some very desperate times for me, so if you have a few bucks to spare and you enjoyed this recap, I would very much appreciate any donation. I know it looks like I’ve received quite a few donations but those larger ones were me “donating” to myself with credit cards to pay bills that had to be paid from my bank.

I squeaked by on rent this month, but bills and groceries still gotta be paid for. Hit a real snag when several clients just refused to pay me for my work.

Or my Paypal address is btippi@gmail.com and if you send it as a gift - I think no fees are deducted from my end.

[spnjediavenger]

Chapter 9: Something’s Wrong With Sam

Disclaimers: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters, I also do not own Jenny

Time frame: Mid S6 (SPOILERS FOR S6 AND ANYTHING BEFORE), after “Live Free or Twi Hard”

SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING: short implication of past sexual assault

Notes: If you read, please give a comment and let me know what you think! I really love writing this!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 5.5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Elliana’s Journal, Chapter 8

A/N: So i’ve had these next couple chapters written for awhile but were put on pause while collabing with @sarimaposthumous and then i kind of dropped writing for awhile. So i’m gonna hopefully put up a chapter a day for the next couple days. Please give me feedback if you read! Much love xx

 THE ROAD SO FAR… (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X_2IdybTV0 listen while reading)

“Who are you? Are you an angel?”

“I’m more of a…guardian if you will.”

 Gabriel handed Elliana a small necklace. She took it and laid it over one of her hands and examined it. It had a silver chain with a silver crescent moon, a circular pendent with a white wolf hanging in its center.

“Wolves are strong and tough and smart. Just like you. I believe in you, little wolf.”

 “I know you won’t quit hunting, and that you’ve been doing it for awhile now, and you’re fully capable of taking care of yourself – but why don’t you come with us for just a few hunts? Give you the chance to get to know us and maybe come with us from now on,” Sam said hopefully.

“All right. I’ll come with you. But,” she said, catching the victorious smile on Sam’s face. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

  “Look, kid – whatever else happened to you, you’re safe. And I know you’ve only known us a couple weeks but you’ve grown on us, squirt,” Dean continued, earning a quiet chuckle from Ellie. “If you decide to stay with us, we’ll always protect you.”

“We promise,” Sam came in, confirming Dean’s words.

  “Nooo! Gabriel!!” Ellie shouted, jumping up from her chair, only to be pulled back by Sam. “No!” she cried, fighting against the younger Winchester, who only held her tighter. She eventually stopped fighting but stared at Gabriel’s body as tears streamed down her face.

 “Sam, Dean. Good to see you again. And who’s this with you?” Lucifer asked, tilting his head in curiosity as he looked at Elliana. “New travel buddy? I’m Lucifer - though I’m assuming you already knew that.”

  “After all this time, you weren’t even hard to catch. It’s a bit disappointing, really,” a voice said from beside Elliana, in an almost bored tone.

“Damon,” she said, trying her hardest to keep her voice from shaking. The demon she had been running from for a year. The demon that possessed her brother. The demon that came back years later to possess her father and kill both her parents.

 “Lucifer,” Ellie said a bit distastefully. “What do you want?” she snapped.

“Now now,” Lucifer tisked. He leaned down again to grab a handful of Elliana’s hair to pick her up by. “Damon, here, wanted to just kill you. But I had him bring you here instead. So you should really be thanking me,” Lucifer said, nodding.

  “You said Ohio was your ‘adoptive’ home,” he mused. “Let’s see what happened at your real home.”

 Ooooh, what’s this? Lucifer’s voice practically purred in her mind - and Ellie could hear the smirk in it. Let’s play with this a little.

“You’re too weak. You’re powerless. There’s nothing you can do to stop me,” the vamp had smirked. He fed off her until she passed out. The rest of that day was filled with feelings of fear, powerlessness, and struggling. Her body being overtaken by his. Whatever innocence she had left from Ellie’s last run in with him being stolen from her.

“Ellie, what happened? Are you ok? What did he do to you?” Ellie collapsed into Jenny and squeezed her eyes shut, not even bothering to try and stay strong. Sobs shook her whole body as Jenny held her.

            “Thank you guys,” she said. “I know I’m gonna be going through hell with this stuff but…thank you for giving me today. I had a great time.”

           “No problem, kiddo,” Dean smiled.

           “You’re family, Ellie. And we’ll be with you through this thing; every step of the way,” Sam said, placing a kiss on her temple. She smiled.

“You guys promise?”

“Hunter’s promise,” Dean said.

   Chapter 9: Something’s Wrong With Sam

             Elliana remembered Sam telling Bobby he came across his deceased grandfather and was going to start hunting with him; and she remembers feeling hurt he didn’t ask her to go too. Though she didn’t think she would even say yes if he had offered. She felt something was off with Sam. And she didn’t trust Samuel or the others.

           Elliana remembered the long months of finding herself again; going on hunts with Bobby, visiting Jenny from time to time, Jody helping her with her panic attacks and flashbacks, and having to hide Sam’s resurrection from Dean.

           Elliana remembered when Dean arrived with Sam when he came to drop Lisa and Ben off for protection. And how angry he was that they didn’t tell him Sam was alive. How she tearfully explained to Dean she had wanted so badly to tell him but Sam and Bobby made her promise not to.

           Elliana remembered turning down the offer to hunt with the boys again. She didn’t tell them the main reason – that she didn’t want to be around the new Sam. Part of the reason she did tell them was because she wanted to stay away from the Campbells. She was relieved that Dean shared her suspicions.

           Thinking back on all these things, Ellie missed how things were before Sam was in the cage. When they just hunted.

           When they were together.

           Now it was mid-October; a little over a year since “Sam” had been back. Elliana was hunting more regularly again but still wouldn’t go on her own. She either went with Bobby, occasionally Jenny or Jody, or with Garth.

           Right now, Elliana was walking into Bobby’s place after taking Anaya for a walk with Jody. She heard Bobby on the phone in the kitchen and quietly crept to the doorway, staying out of sight for the moment.

           “We tested him. Salt, silver – everything…Well, then he’s something we ain’t ever seen before…Did you call Cas?...Look, I get it. You’re rattled. But let’s be professional-…What you saw..are you sure that’s what you saw?...Well, “you know” ain’t the same as proof. ‘Cause we’re talking about-… …Alright. I’m with you…Yeah. I’ll hit the books. Hard. Just don’t shoot him yet, all right? Watch him. We need facts. ‘Cause if it ain’t Sam…we don’t know what it is. And if we’re gonna put him down, we need to know how… Get in the car. He’s your case.”

           Bobby sighed as he put his phone down. He wiped a hand down his face and looked over to see Ellie standing in the doorway, holding her crossed arms.

           “That Dean?” she asked absently before Bobby could get a word in.

           “Yeah. We were-“

           “Talking about Sam?” she interrupted. Bobby nodded. “I told you something was wrong, Bobby. I could tell practically the second he got here. So could Anaya. I tried telling you, Bobby! But none of you believed me! And then it goes and puts Dean in danger and lets him get turned into a freaking vampire!”

           “Alright, alright, calm down, girl,” Bobby said. He gently placed his hands on her shoulders, only for her to shrug them away.

           “This is getting so messed up,” Ellie said, voice cracking. “Jenny, Garth, and I went through so much to get Sam back and it’s not even him…I just want my brothers back.”

           With this, Elliana turned and ran up the stairs to her room, shutting the door and plopping on the bed with Anaya and letting tears slowly spill from her eyes.

              A couple hours later, Bobby lightly knocked on Ellie’s door. “Ellie, I know you’re upset, alright?” No answer. Bobby sighed. “Garth is comin’ around soon. Said he wanted to see you.”

           Ellie couldn’t stop the smile that crossed her face. Her heart felt a little lighter as she thought back to first meeting Garth and how she quickly became close with him.

             “Elliana, this is Garth. It’s ok, you can trust him. Wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Bobby said soothingly as Ellie somewhat hid around the corner of the wall.

           “Well, not unless it has fangs,” the younger man joked with a wide smile on his face.

           Ellie let out an airy laugh and a small smile crept onto her face; she moved into the living room, feeling comfortable enough to leave the wall.

           “Wow – you already got a smile,” Bobby said, impressed. “Takes a lot to get one from her these days.” Elliana threw Bobby a Winchester bitch face. He knew the reason she didn’t. But Ellie knew he was only teasing her.

           Garth simply shrugged, smile never leaving his face. He then turned to Ellie. “Elliana is a beautiful name,” he said kindly.

           “Thanks,” the girl said, blushing a bit. Elliana quickly grew comfortable around Garth, his demeanor friendly and lighthearted. How was this guy a hunter? she thought.

             “Noooo!” Elliana’s scream pierced the night air, echoing through the trees. Garth turned from the vampire he just beheaded and ran in the girl’s direction.

           This wasn’t supposed to be a vamp case; so when the two arrived, nothing went as planned.

           Garth finally got to Ellie to see her pinned to a tree by the vamp nest’s leader. He quickly ran over and swung his machete. The vamp’s head rolled off and Ellie fell to the ground, hyperventilating. Garth’s eyes widened a bit when he remembered Bobby mentioning she had past trauma with vamps (though he left out any other details).

           Garth wasted no time in crouching down and helping Elliana through her panic attack. After she had calmed down enough, she lightly pulled away from the older hunter.

           “I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I must look so weak.”

           “You don’t look weak,” Garth replied, confusion written on his face as he didn’t know how Ellie could think that. “You look like a girl who’s been through more than anyone should have. And who needs love and compassion. For people to be there for her and remind her how strong she really is.”

           Elliana’s tears ran again as she collapsed back into Garth, hugging him tight. She had only known him for a few weeks now and he was so caring with her.

           Garth rested his chin on top of her head and wrapped his arms around her protectively. Ellie had grown on him quickly as well.

             Ellie and Garth just finished a hunt in South Dakota and Garth pulled his car over to a grass field so they could eat before going back to Bobby’s.

           Ellie sat on the hood with him, just staring at her plate, pushing the food around absently. Garth noticed and gently nudged her with his elbow.

           “What’s up?” he asked caringly. When she didn’t say anything, he spoke again. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But it’ll feel better if you let it out.”

           The girl sighed and looked out at the long grass, which swayed lightly in the wind. “Sam and Dean took me here once,” she said quietly. “This exact field.” Ellie looked back down at her plate, though not at all interested in her food. “They took me out for a fun day since I was still really off after…Lucifer got me…”

           Elliana looked up to meet Garth’s eyes now. He stared intently at her, taking in every word. “They promised me they’d be with me through everything. That they’d help me every step of the way.” Ellie’s voice started quivering now. “They promised me,” her voice cracked. Tears quickly filled her eyes and she couldn’t stop them from spilling over. “Why did they have to leave, Garth? They promised me. They promised.”

           Garth placed a caring hand on Ellie’s arm and pursed his lips. “Ells, I know it sucks not having them here. But they didn’t leave things like this on purpose. Did Sam go to the cage to hurt you?”

           Ellie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “No,” she said. She knew he wouldn’t.

           “He did it to defeat Lucifer, right?”

           Ellie nodded.

           “Did Dean leave to hurt you?”

           Ellie shook her head, starting to see where Garth was headed. “He went to keep his promise to Sam. He offered for me to come but I said no.”

           “See? They’re not trying to make things bad. But sometimes, the ones we love and who love us the most, can hurt us the most. Even if they don’t mean to. But you have others around who care about you, too. Including me.” Garth finished with a kind smile that Ellie returned to the best of her ability. They had known each other for a couple months now and to Garth, she was already starting to feel like his little sister. And Ellie was beginning to see him as a brother, too.

             Another soft knock brought Elliana out of her thoughts. She wiped her tears away and sat up. “Yeah?”

           “You don’t sound too happy to see me,” Garth said jokingly as he opened the door, letting a goofy grin spread on his lips.

           “Garth!” Ellie exclaimed, jumping off her bed to run into the hunter’s open arms. Garth’s goofy smile turned into a warm, happy one as he hugged her back. As soon as Bobby told him Ellie was feeling down again, he hurried over to try and help her in any way he could.

           “So what’s on your mind?”

             “I mean, Jenny and you and I almost died to get Sam back, ya know? We spent so much time, did so much research.”

           Garth, as always, kept his eyes on Elliana while she vented to him. He wanted her to feel and know that he was listening. That he truly cared about her and what was troubling her.

           “And I was still afraid of going out with everything that happened only a month before…but when we finished the job, I was so excited to see Sam again…and when I did…it wasn’t him. Not really. He didn’t smile. Didn’t really hug me back. Nothing…

           “And I tried to tell Bobby. Then Dean when he found out Sam was alive. But they brushed me off. Said ‘he’s just in shock’. They let it go and Sam let. Dean. Turn into a vampire! Only now do they realize there’s something wrong with him!” Ellie let out a big sigh, her feelings exiting with it. “I just don’t know what to do now,” she said, meeting Garth’s eyes in a softer way.

           “Well, what do you want? If you don’t know what to do, start by figuring out what you want,” he said simply, giving a small shrug.

           Elliana looked at the ground, thinking for a moment.

           “I want Sam back,” she whispered. “I want my brothers.”

           “Ok. So what has to be done to get him back?”

           Ellie sighed. “Research. Lore. Try to figure out what might be wrong.”

           “Well, there you go,” Garth said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

           Another sigh.

           “But what if…what if it doesn’t work?” the girl asked meekly, looking back up at Garth.

           “What if it does?”

           Silence.

           “Ells,” Garth placed a brotherly hand on hers. “It’s one thing to look back and say ‘I wish I could’ve found a solution.’ But you don’t want to look back and say ‘I wish I would’ve tried.’* Look, I know you love those guys. I know you love Sam. I also know you’re really hard headed.” Garth smiled when he earned a small chuckle from Ellie. “And you won’t let yourself off easy if you don’t try to get Sam back.

           “Either way, you know I’m with you,” Garth finished with a reassuring squeeze of her hand.

              A few days later, Ellie was in the library with Bobby and Garth, reading through lore to see if they could find out what was wrong with Sam – if it was Sam. Ellie just picked up a new book when the sound of fluttering wings came behind her. She turned around to come face to face with Castiel.

           “Elliana, come with me,” he said, reaching a hand out, which she promptly shoved away.

           “What the hell, Cas?! I’ve been praying to you for a year, trying to get you here, and after all the dead silence, you just appear out of nowhere and expect me to go with you when you don’t even greet me or give an explanation or an apology for ignoring me during the worst year of my life?!” Ellie shouted angrily at the angel.

           Cas looked to Bobby and Garth, who held their hands up, not wanting to join the argument. Though they were siding with Elliana anyway.

           Cas let out a partially impatient sigh as he looked towards the windows then back at Ellie. “I am sorry for not responding to you. I can explain later but time is of the essence,” he said, holding out his hand again. When Ellie still made no move towards him he spoke again. “We’re going to find out what’s wrong with Sam.”

           Ellie’s eyes finally shot up to meet Cas’. She looked over to Bobby, who looked equally as shocked, then to Garth. She wanted to find an answer, but Garth had come all the way to be with her and help her with this.

           As if reading her thoughts, Garth smiled reassuringly. “You need to be with him,” he said. He didn’t mind if Ellie left; he just wanted whatever would help her. He was glad Cas came, though he had no idea who he was. Elliana needed to be there when they found out what was wrong so she could get her brother back.

           Elliana ran to grab her bag and whistled twice to signal for Anaya to follow her. She gave Bobby a hug, then Garth, whispering a ‘thank you’ to him as she squeezed him a little tighter.

           Then Cas transported himself, Elliana, and Anaya from Bobby’s house.

               “Hey, kid,” Dean’s voice said. Ellie quickly turned around to see Dean and ran into his arms, hugging him tightly.

           “I’m sorry about Lisa,” she whispered, truly feeling bad that Dean had lost her and Ben (metaphorically). “I’m so sorry.”

           When Dean stiffened a bit, she hugged him tighter before leaning up to place a kiss on his cheek. Anaya came over and pressed herself against Dean, wagging her tail happily, making the older Winchester smile.

           “You’re right, he looks terrible,” Cas said. Ellie and Dean turned to him and Ellie’s face dropped. “You did this?” Cas asked.

           “Jeez, Dean, what’d you do to him?” Ellie said, looking at a very beaten and bloody Sam.

           He began to grunt and move his head, regaining consciousness. “Cas?” he said, confusion written on his face; even more so when he realized he was tied up. Cas began inspecting him, asking questions about how he’s been feeling to try and determine what was different. Anaya stood stiffly by Ellie since Sam came to, not taking her eyes off him. And Ellie couldn’t help but jump a little when Dean snapped at his brother, sick of him beating around the bush.

           “How much do you sleep?” Cas asked Sam.

           There was a pause before he answered. “I don’t.”

           “At all?” Dean asked, eyebrows raised.

           “Not since I got back.”

           Now it was Ellie’s turn to jump in. “And you didn’t think there was anything off about that? You just keep going like everything is normal?!”

           “Of course I did, Elliana. I-I just never told you guys.”

           “Sam… What are you feeling now?” Cas came in again, narrowing his eyes a bit at him.

           Sam huffed a bit. “I feel like my nose is broken.”

           “No, that’s a physical sensation. How do you feel?”

           “I think-“

           “Feel.”

           “I don’t…I don’t know.”

           The other three in the room looked at each other. Cas removed his belt, confusing everyone at first.

           “This will be unpleasant,” he said, then placed the belt in Sam’s mouth. “Bite down on this. If there’s someplace you find soothing, you should go there…in your mind.”

           Sam looked at Dean for help, but Dean stared straight at him (though Cas’ actions confused him as well).

           Cas reached down and put his hand inside Sam, making him shout in pain. Ellie looked away and Dean pulled her into his side, running a comforting hand down her arm. After a few moments, Cas pulled away and looked around a bit contemplatively, putting his belt back on.

           “Did you find anything?” Dean asked. His brother’s pained gasps not going unnoticed.

           “No,” the angel replied, eyes downcast as he rolled his sleeves back down.

           Dean raised his brow, turning his head to look at Cas. “So that’s good news?”

“I’m afraid not.”

He paused again.

“Cas, please,” Elliana said exasperatedly. She was sick of everyone avoiding giving answers today.

“Physically, he’s perfectly healthy.”

“Then what?” Dean asked.

“It’s his soul,” Cas finally met his gaze. “It’s gone.”

“What?!” Ellie snapped her eyes to him.

Dean cleared his throat, taking a few steps away. “I’m sorry. One more time – like I’m 5. What do you mean he’s got no-“

“When Sam was resurrected, it was without his soul.”

Everyone looked at said man, and Sam looked almost lost.

“So where is it?”

“My guess is it’s…still in the cage with Michael…and Lucifer.”

The mention of Lucifer sent an involuntary shiver down Elliana’s spine. And this whole thing was already making her very on edge. How could Sam be taken back, but his soul wasn’t?

           “So, is he even still Sam?”

           Cas looks over his shoulder to Sam, still addressing Dean. “Well, you pose an interesting philosophical question.”

           As he, Sam, and Dean get into a conversation about getting his soul back, keeping him tied up, and Elliana didn’t even pay attention to the rest; she just began pacing the room as she ran her hands through her hair. Things just seemed to be getting more and more complicated.

           “Samuel.”

           Ellie’s interest was torn back to the boys’ conversation.

           “Alright, let’s go then,” Dean said, grabbing his things together.

           “Wait, what?” Ellie said, crossing her arms as she went to stand in front of him.

           “If Samuel was brought back too, then he might know what’s going on. It’s the only lead we have right now.” Dean paused from his bag and looked at Ellie. “I know you don’t trust him, kid. But I know you want Sam back as much as I do,” he continued in a hushed tone. “Now, you don’t have to come with us if you don’t want, but something tells me you do.”

           His eyes searched hers and she sighed reluctantly, looking down at the ground. Dean patted her arm and gave her a quick kiss to her head.

           “It’ll be alright. We’re gonna go in, get what we need to know, then we’ll be gone. Ok?”

           Ellie looked to Dean’s eyes again and, seeing his reassuring smile, nodded and grabbed her things as well. She still didn’t like it. But after all that’s been done to get Sam back, and being this close, she guessed now wouldn’t be the time to throw in the towel.

 Chapter 10 ->

Forever tags: @bellero 

A/N: *This is a quote I used and modified a bit from Fuller House (spoken by Aunt Becky). Credit goes to the Fuller House people.

[chrishansler]

24604

This is my last night in this house. It is empty. It is quiet. And it has the same peace, the same sense of “home” it always has. We’ve lived in this house for 24 ½ years. Nine months after moving our young family back here from California, nine months into a new church plant, we bought this brand new home in “Orchard Park” at 24604 57th Ave. E. in Graham. Lisa and I were 30. Bobby was 5, Johnathan was 3 and Annie was 2. It was exciting. The paint was fresh, the front lawn was new and the yard was big! We had no plants, no trees, no back or side yards, no fence – just a nice patch of grass in the front of the house and a vision for what could be.

The yard was full of rocks like all of Graham soil, so we paid our kids 1 cent per rock if they picked them out of the back yard and piled them in the back. 😊 We didn’t have any money so I build a dirt sifter and I raked and sifted rocks out. Raking and sifting, raking and sifting. I was occasionally able to buy a truck load of sandy loam soil to spread in the back yard, and our friend and new church board member, Duane Nelson worked for Emerald Turf farms. So sometimes at the end of the work day he would take a pallet of sod that they were throwing out and bring it to me. So I would plant some seed, lay some sod and do what we had to do to create a back yard we would love. For a long time it wasn’t pretty. It was like a patchwork quilt of every shade of green and brown throughout the back yard. And we still didn’t have any trees. But that would soon change.

Mom and Dad were selling their house on Golden Given so I took their young Northern Spy apple tree. They had some wild evergreen starts growing in their back woods, so I took some 3’ Douglas fir, a couple of Cedar tree sprouts and a little pine tree. Working for Northwest Building services I had the opportunity to take a couple of beautiful Sunset Red maple trees out of a strip mall that was renovating and getting rid of them. It took a flatbed and six guys to move those trees. One went in the front yard, and one in the back corner on top of an area that had been raised by all the rocks we raked and moved. I took one of Debi’s rhododendrons that Mom Hansler had planted when she lived in that house. Eventually our yard began to take shape with vine maples from mom & dad’s new property, as well as a dark red ornamental hazelnut tree and a beautiful mountain ash that mom gave me. We built our cedar fence and we planted pear, apple, peach, cherry, and Asian pear trees.

I built a play house with an attached swing set for the kids. The neighbor boy Torsten peed in that play house. That will forever be his legacy in our minds. I put a little pond in the raised area in the back with little goldfish and koi. We had a little garden on the side of the house. It was the perfect yard for wiffle ball. We would have neighborhood home-run derbies with awards. We played volleyball, badminton and I hit plastic golf balls back there. One time Annie had a party and we played kickball with her friends but one of her big high school friends ran me over at home plate. We had so many great times around the fire out there, looking at the stars, roasting marshmallows, watching movies projected on the back of the house, and even having a live backyard barbecue concert by Rod Nash one time back there!

We had church gatherings in our home. In the early days of our church we had a “small group” at our house with 17 adults and 24 kids. It was nuts, but it was so beautiful and fun. We’d have friends over and play games into the late hours of the night. Our kids played hard – sometimes too hard, sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags and leaving dents in the front door that I can still see as a glance over there – happy little memory dents.

We had the perfect yard for dogs – large and fully fenced. But it wasn’t enough for Dottie, our first Springer Spaniel. She was fast, she could jump high, and she was naughty. She would jump the 4’ fence like it was nothing and she wasn’t always nice to the neighbors so I had to build her a dog house to try to contain her. It didn’t. She got out and had a one-night stand with a stray neighbor dog, horrifying all of the neighborhood children who witnessed it. Dottie went to live with a nice elderly couple who would let her live inside their house. So we got Jill. Jill was a good dog, but mom and dad needed a dog so Jill became dad’s dog. Jack was the first black lab I ever owned. He was also the first big dog I ever let live inside the house. Jack was a big, lumbering, always-panting friend to everyone. He was truly the “best dog of all the dogs.” He loved the back yard. And now, no dog has ever loved our yard like JJ loves our yard – chasing squirrels, driving out crows and catching frisbees. It is his domain.

But it wasn’t only dogs at this home. We had Misty – the beautiful, albeit sometimes cranky, cat. Skitty – a stray neighborhood cat that we sort of adopted. Furball was a great little gray cat. But he liked to be inside and outside. He always got excited when we came home, until that fateful day when I didn’t seem him as I pulled in the garage with all of the kids in the suburban. It was terrible to lose him. We buried him near Misty in the back yard. That loss resulted in getting two half-brothers, Shadow and Fuzzball – loving, independent cats. Fuzzball is sitting next to me on one side and JJ on the other on this last night in the house.  We have also had fish in the pond, and those fish attracted raccoons, a big grey heron and a bald eagle! And I have loved watching the countless chickadees, finches, pine-siskins, sparrows and swallows. John always had swallow babies in the birdhouse mounted next to his bedroom window.

And on Christmas our house stole the neighborhood show. The streaming lights down from the star, the driveway lights, the post lights, the light-post Christmas tree, the snowman, the outdoor music and the nativity from Pastor Gene. Sometimes God would even give us a little snow to make it really pop.

The kids grew up here. The house was literally their classroom for many years. They each had their own space and they made it their own. John with his video games, K’nex and candy; Bob with his music, maps and reading; and Annie with her entrepreneurial spirit – with ever changing wall colors, clothing designs and even selling candy out of her room to the boys for a profit one time. So much laughter rang through these walls.

When we bought the house Lisa and I thought it was significant that we were right in the center – perhaps to make a little difference in the neighbor’s lives around us. Lisa quickly made a best friend in Pam Davis, and our kids played together. We remember Blain & Cindy, Luke and the twins; Gary & Kim across the street, Jim & Sharon and Kelly & Iris. Kelly still lives here too, and I said goodbye to him today. I married Steve & Brenda in their home. We tried to show love to Jeff & crazy Wendy behind us – even paying for and building a fence for them with some church friends. I used to walk the neighborhood and pray with Len Phillips. Adam & Nikke, Chloe, Lila, Amelia and now Josiah  have been such great neighbors – taking care of our animals when we’re gone; sharing sugar, eggs, flour; letting each other in countless times when we locked ourselves out, and always shouting “hi” from wherever they were. We’re really going to miss them. Maybe we made a little difference here. I hope so.

I’ve prayed every day in this house. I’ve prayed for Lisa and each of our kids. I’ve drafted vision here for new adventures that have become reality. I’ve wept over heartache, disappointment and loss. I’ve sat by the pond and just listened so many times. I’ll miss walking my dog to Centennial, talking to God, listening to scripture as I go.

This year has been really, really tough. When dad died I came home and walked through these trees that grew in his yard originally, and they reminded me of his deep roots, his love for outdoors and beauty, and his quiet strength. Mom needs help – she needs to be with family. And this week, as we were preparing for our move, Bonnie died of cancer. Then, within the hour of Bonnie’s passing, Lisa received biopsy results confirming breast cancer. We haven’t really been able to savor these last days here because we are trying to survive some pretty devastating news. But we will miss it here. It has always been a place I couldn’t wait to get to. I’m so grateful for that.

Tomorrow we will begin new dreams in a new place. There will be new trees to plant, new fruit to harvest, new friends and new places to walk, run and ride our bikes to. Maybe this will be a place where our kids-in-law come and grandkids. That place will ring with love and laughter to. We will share life with mom there for a while. I will walk with Lisa as she beats cancer in a new neighborhood. She says that in that community it “always feels like a vacation.” That is my hope – that it will be a refuge for us, for our kids and family and for our friends.

Now I’m 55, Lisa is 54, Bobby is 29, John is 28 and Annie is 26. The house I sit in tonight is older, the carpets are worn, but the yard is mature and beautiful – full of life and growth. I hope the new owner loves it and enjoys it as much as I have. I hope they mow straight lines in the lawn and put up Christmas lights. I hope they sense the peace here. Thank you God for our home.

[revlatte]

Can I Be Me?

It goes without saying that almost everyone that knows me is aware of my love and devotion to Nippy, Whitney Elizabeth Houston. It was a national tragedy when she transitioned from this life 8 years ago. Devastating. 

Since her passing, there have been several documentaries about her life and the struggles she faced with sexuality, belonging, and just being herself. Sidenote: My belief is that Clive Davis collaborated with Nick Gordon to intentionally murder. She had recently signed the largest music contract to date for $100 million and ten years. Almost destitute, Clive Davis advanced her quite a bit of this money, only for her still to be in financial trouble at the end of her life. It was very clear to Davis (and the world) that “The Voice” was gone. Instead of the effortless long notes and melodies to which the world was accustom, we received broke, short, notes pregnant with despair and suffering. For Davis, the predatory music producer, there would certainly be no return on his investment. Tours and music deals had been canceled. What a flop?

I believe it was at this time that Davis began to have conversations about how to reconcile this issue. For Davis and Arista, Whitney was worth far more dead than alive. Alive, she was an embarrassment and liability. 

Nick Gordon stood to benefit from the fall of N. Once she was gone, Bobbi Kristina (Whitney’s daughter) would inherit the money. As N’s long term “adopted” son, Nick had become very close with both N and Bobbi Kris. Sure ‘nough, after Nippy died, Bobbi Kris and her Aunt (damn her, too!) took control of Nippy’s limited assets. 

A few short years later, Bobbi Kris died in the same way... head down, in a hot tub. Common denominator: Nick Gordon. 

And just a few years after Bobbi Kris’ untimely and suspicious death, Nick Gordon died in the *same* way as Bobbi Kris and Nippy. But, ya know, Clive Davis and the music industry had nothing to do with the elimination of Whitney and her daughter from the face of the planet. Just hours before his death, Nick Gordon was consumed with the death of his late “fiance”/ wife, tweeting about the circumstances around her death.

Nevertheless, Whitney could not escape from the shadow of her past. She had a very colorful period (if not demise) during her long-term relationship with R&B’s Bad Boy, Bobby Brown. It was a disaster from the start. Whitney and Bobby’s collective drug use, spending, child neglect, and acting out was painful to watch. They were toxic, codependent, and just... terrible. I do wonder what friends stepped in, assisted, attempted to break the cycles and illuminate the destruction. 

Friendship can make the difference between life and death, success and failure, pain and sorrow or joy and liberation. Friendship. Being known. Being seen. Being loved unconditionally. Being enough. 

As many Nippy friends recall, CeCe Winans sang “Count on Me” with Nippy on the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. It’s the last song that plays, after a year of watching these four Black women, on their New Year’s Eve together. As many know, Nippy and CeCe were long term friends. In fact, N made sure that CeCe and BeBe were professionalizing their performances, had the appropriate outfits, and supported them emotionally, financially, and spiritually. CeCe has done all but to distance herself from Whitney. In fact, I recently attended a concert where she did not acknowledge, in her autobiographical comments from the stage, anything about the friendship with Nippy or how she supported them. Instead, “safe” and “more appropriate” reference points were offered to the packed, almost exclusively Black, audience. 

And where was CeCe during Whitney’s downfall? Why couldn’t we offer the same level of support, compassion, and understanding to Whitney that we offer the countless white women who flood our screens with their housewife and reality TV shenanigans? Whitney, once America’s Sweetheart, was demonized and vilified in our press and collective conscious. I can only imagine how this must have felt. 

Through it all, Whitney denied herself time and time again to be of service (and profit) to others. One documentarian excavated, from Nippy’s life, one of her favorite refrains, “Can I Be Me?” Nippy just wanted to be “normal” and live a life that focused on family and joy. But everywhere she went, she found herself. She could not escape the mistakes, pain, or tragedy of her past. She was always gazed upon through the lens of failure and judgment; or at least that is how it seems from my vantage point. 

Without doubt, Whitney experienced trauma and abuse. Whitney made mistakes. Whitney, like many Americans, struggled with addiction, self-worth, and mental health. And guess what, she made mistakes and bad decisions along the way. 

But, she “found her own strength” and began to rebuild herself. Though she was not the best actor, indisputably, she put her all into this career and vocation. She found excitement and joy with having meaning and purpose again. She was connected and surrounded by a community of people who loved her, kept her well, were gracious, compassionate, understanding, and loved her unconditionally. That sense of purpose, meaning, and respect was life changing for Nippy. After many years of struggle and heart break, a musical career that was near its end, she was beginning to find her way, home, again. 

And just like that, she slipped through the cracks. Just when she started to live life on her own, for her fulfillment of joy and liberation. 

But when she died, the news outlets and headlines flooded with Whitney’s past, drug use, relationship scandals, and negativity. I was sickened to my core. My stomach turned over. Even in death, there was still a need to vilify her living. Yet, this occurred while simultaneously taking pauses from our national news cycle to honor her accomplishments and living. It’s a particular type of dark schizophrenia that, unfortunately, we have all become used too. 

And oh, don’t I know it too well. 

Let me be clear: I have made mistakes (even recently!). I had made bad decisions. My poor decision making has harmed myself and others. At times, I have been ambivalent about life and endeavored to self-assassinate (an attempt at humor). In these moments of feeling low, not being able to manage my mental health, and feeling disconnected, I could not see a way out of the desperation of despair that consumed my spirit. I struggled with my addiction, acting out, and codependency. I was a mess. A whole ass, fucking mess. 

Then one day, I hit a bottom, finally, and looked at myself. Puffy eyed, tears streaming down my face, I stumbled to get off the cold floor as my friend helped pick me up. I was so caught in despair and hopeless that I punched a whole into the bedroom wall by the closet. Then, we walked to the bathroom to clean up. I just wanted everything I could not have. As I started into the mirror, I saw the person looking back at me in a new way. “ENOUGH!” I yelled. “STOP!” I screamed. This. Is. Bottom. No more of this. No more living like this. No more chaos. No more fuckery. No more drama. 

The lyrics and melodies of Nippy lifted me, as usual, from a place of hopelessness and despair to a renewed sense of hope and eventually peace. It’s been several months and at least three seasons since that day. Each day gets a bit easier, though, healing is not linear. 

As I attempt to stabilize my life and build new patterns of being in the world, I am called to consider the questions for the liberation of my soul:

- Is this decision/action life nourishing?

- How does X increase my wellness?

- How is/are these Ys in alignment?

I’ve developed new patterns, routines, and supports to facilitate in my recovery. And, I feel new, loved, revived. 

All of this as I am still navigating the complex web of trauma and lived experience. So much trauma. It is overwhelming to consider at once. The last 8 years have been a learning experience of understanding and coping with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), which is different and nuanced than PTSD. How can I be me when I’m trapped in trauma cycles?

The last several months have been devoted to uncovering, recognizing, and transforming these cycles. However, it is hard to stabilize if you do not have a physical home... It is difficult to find peace when you cannot do the basics of supporting yourself because you cannot find gainful and meaningful employment (that, in and of itself is embarrassing, humiliating, and defeating)... It’s hard to live in the shadow of  failed businesses that were supposed to provide means for collective economics and liberation. And sometimes, it’s just hard to get out of bed. 

But most of all, it’s difficult to be in recovery, start a new life, and be a transformed soul on the path of healing, wellness, and recovery when people only see you through your past, trauma, chaos, fuckery, drama, and pain. Completing simple tasks, like adjusting resumes, performing job searches, trying to find community, and authentically connecting require so much emotional labor that it’s overwhelming. And instead, I do nothing, relive former trauma, and am reminded of how far outside the web of mutuality and interconnectedness I feel. I can see and watch the people I formerly knew, shared meals with... folks that stayed in my home... folks that I considered family... build and find joy, anew. I observe networks forming, shaping, and shifting and me being there to watch from the outside. Or the folks that you affiliate with all going on and planning trips together, engaged on group chats, hanging out and you just never being enough to be included. It fucking sucks. I can only imagine what Nippy must have felt. Can I Be Me?

How do we share with people who have written us off, who have sent us messages that end with “wishing you all the best” but don’t contact me again, to the people who said we’ll never be different... that I am healing. And recovering. And getting well. And not to judge me for my past, mistakes, fuckups, and chaos? To allow me to show them that I am better? How do we create spaciousness for both brokenness and healing simultaneously?

Here I am... again. Wondering, wishing, waiting. As my folks approach retirement, I realizing that enough is enough. It is time for me to settle down, do the same thing, get in a career, align with vocational calling, and build a future for me and my family. BUT, how does one do this when the networks of people with whom I was formerly connected just see me as deviant? A monster? Not enough? Too emotional? Too much? When you know that before you even touch the knob of the door, it will never be opened and there ware no windows that will open either. In many ways (incarceration, housing instability, lack of depth within social network, financial instability, failed relationships, closed doors to job opportunities), I am constantly being reminded that I am an outsider, unwelcome, not enough, under valued, not respected, and no... I cannot be me. 

Whitney, as we enter the season where we remember your life and transition, I am grateful for you. I see you, fully. You and I are made from the same dust and will return to the dust from which we were made. 

Here’s to hoping that someday, we’ll all be free.

[thestoryofthethirdwincheste-blog]

The Night Sam Left (Part 12)

Upstairs, Beth stood under the warm water and let it wash away all the crap from the night. Once they had gotten into the house, Bobby had examined Beth’s hurt ankle. His rough hands gently poked and prodded around the swollen joint and figured it was probably just badly sprained. He had fed his pseudo-adopted children and given Beth more painkillers. They worked their magic and she was now able to stand in the shower with relatively little pain. She scrubbed the dirt and blood that she hadn’t been able to clean up in the diner bathroom. After she finished and dried off, it felt nice to change into clean clothes.

She left the bathroom for the bedroom that she had adopted as “hers”, though she still shared with Sam and Dean. The shelves were adorned with the few possessions that she and her brothers had, only adding that Bobby’s house was home. Books, pictures, and a few toys were the only evidence that the Winchesters had actually had a childhood. Beth laid down on the twin bed and stared at the ceiling. Tears fell down her cheeks as she mulled over everything that had happened since Sam walked out the door of the motel.

The fight with John had been inevitable. What she hadn’t expected was the slap in the face. Though it happened more often than she cared to admit, anytime her father struck her or her brothers still came as a shock. She gingerly felt her cheek where she had been hit. An ugly reminder of her father’s anger.

Sam sat in the bare apartment that he now called home. It was a small, one bedroom one bathroom apartment a few miles from campus. A footlocker and duffel bag containing clothes and other essentials had been shipped from Bobby’s ahead of time. Slowly and methodically he unpacked his belongings; putting away his clothes into the small closet and dresser, making his bed, putting a few books on his desk. After unpacking the footlocker and duffell, he shoved them under the lofted bed. He made mental notes of what he needed to pick up from the store when he went shopping the next day.

Sam unpacked the few changes of clothes that he had packed in his backpack when a suddenly a small folded paper fell out onto the floor. The paper was folded the way Beth always folded her notes and he instantly knew it was from her. He unfolded the note and was greeted by her loopy, cursive hand.

Dear Sammy,

I’m not sure how to say everything that I want to tell you. But I can try.

First of all, I am so incredibly proud of you. For finishing school, for getting into one of the top schools in the nation, for getting a full ride, for getting the opportunity to make a life for yourself. Your fire and drive has only pushed me to work just as hard and I can only hope that one day I make you as proud as you’ve made me.

Sammy, you’ve always one of the two people that I look up to most. You and Dean have always been there to watch after me and protect me but now it’s time for you to watch out for and protect yourself.

I know that you’re going to have to leave eventually, and even though it hurts to let you go, I know it’s for the best. I want you to leave and never look back at the life we’ve had growing up. I want you to go to school, get an amazing job, start a family, and never think twice about hunting or monsters. Don’t worry about me or Dean. We’ve got each other’s backs.

You’ve been one the most important people in my life for as long as I’ve lived. I love you so much Sammy that I don’t even know how to put it into words. Please take care of yourself.

Your forever,

Bethany Marie Winchester

Tears formed in Sam’s eyes as he read and reread his little sister’s note. He ran his fingers over the writing as if he could absorb Beth’s spirit through the words that she had poured her heart into. He clutched the tear stained note to his chest and let the tears that had been threatening to fall the entire bus ride stream down his face.

The Night Sam Left Master List