#I’ve had these written for MONTHS but like
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virginia is for lovers | s.reid
summary: model!reader accidentally exposes their relationship through a soft launch instagram post
tags: model!reader x spencer, penelope included <3, smau
a/n: this is kinda short n pointless but i wanted a reason to write reader tweeting abt spencer and its been in my drafts for weeks so
word count: 1.1k
masterlist
Spencer had worked hard to keep you a secret.
Not because he wasn’t thrilled to be in your life, because he really, really was. Historically, things had a tendency to go south as soon as word got out, especially when it came to his personal life.
You had met in a bookstore. It was a short interaction; you were busy debating which translation of The Stranger was most appropriate to read. You must have been standing in the aisle of the bookstore a little too long, holding two copies side by side, when he had offered his two cents on the matter.
Typically, you weren’t one to entertain conversation in public. Nine times out of ten, you’d get one word in before the inevitable “Please can I take a picture? I love your blog so much!”, but this was different. You weren’t even sure he had even seen your face before he started talking to you. He wasn’t initially trying to hit on you, either. He was genuinely excited that someone was willing to listen to him ramble about the differences between the Ward and Guilbert translations, so when you responded in such a way that asked him to continue on, he was surprised.
That day, you’d left the store with four more books than intended, and a single bookmark where he had written his phone number after you asked for it. He had asked you for your name; a confirmation that he actually had no idea who you were.
The rest was history. You saw him whenever possible, spent nights on the phone together, and flew across the country often just to see him. You loved having a relationship that didn’t need to be public, but you were also excited to share bits of it with the world.
It was late at night, and he was sitting at his desk in the bullpen, trying to finish the last of the paperwork he’d been assigned, when he heard commotion from Penelope’s office. He figured it was nothing new; probably just some news about the royal family or one of the real housewives again, but she’d thrown her door open in such a way that it garnered attention from everyone in the office.
“Spencer Reid,” She gripped her phone and rushed across the room with determination. “Do you have something you want to share with me?”
He looked up from his paperwork, furrowing his eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”
“Why are you on my Instagram feed?” She placed her phone on his desk in front of him.
“I’m not on instagram,” he replied.
“Oh, but you are,” she said. “You are such a little liar. I can’t wait to tell Derek about this.”
She pushed his paperwork aside, plopping her phone down in front of him. It was a slideshow on instagram. A photo of the most recent bouquet he bought for you. A few from the museum you’d visited together, including several where his hands or shoes were visible, but nothing that really pointed to him. He could almost make the argument Penelope was mistaken, until the last photo, which included just enough of his apartment to confirm her questioning.
“You said you were seeing someone and I thought… someone from a chess tournament, or maybe… oh, I don't know. Literally anyone else? But you bagged a model?”
“I-” he sighed. “How did you find her?”
“I didn’t find her, Spencer. I’ve followed her for years! I see her posts all the time. I can’t believe you.”
He scrolled down.
liked by @jjareau and others
@yourusername: virginia is for lovers :) posted 12 hours ago
↪ @randomuser1: GIRL STOP TEASING WHO IS HE
↪ @randomuser3: i’ve been trying to figure it out since that tweet last month 😞
↪ @randomuser2: this is the sweetest soft launch i’ve ever seen <3
↪ 12k comments
He clicked onto your profile.
@yourusername
5.2M Followers
Followed by @jjareau, @emp.sergio and more
“You’ve got to see her Twitter, lover boy. She’s been gushing about you.”
“Oh, god,” he groans. So much for privacy. He lets her take the phone back, redirecting his attention to your Twitter page. She scrolls back to June before handing it over, letting him read in chronological order.
June 10
@yourusername: hot girl summer is officially over. just asked a man for HIS number.
June 25
@yourusername: is it offensive to men if you call them pretty? bc this man is rlly pretty
@yourusername: update: apparently it is not :)
July 30:
@yourusername: good morning text + picture of a dog that he claims reminded him of me???? gonna ask for his hand in marriage
August 15
@yourusername: up til 2 bc hes explaining quantum mechanics to me 🧚🏻
@yourusername: embarrassed to say that form of dirty talk worked on me
August 20
@yourusername: oh btw im a girlfriend now!
↪@yourfan1: look u long enough wtf girl
↪@yourusername: dw im locking him down 🫡
↪@yourfan2: thats OUR man now 💘
“Oh, wow.”
She takes the phone back. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Or me? Oh, this is great news. You’re bringing her to Rossi’s next, week, right?”
“I- Pen, I have no idea.” He laughs. He watches her type away on the device aggressively. “Are you texting everyone?”
“Yuh-huh. I need to call JJ, like… yesterday. And this isn't the end of this conversation!” She darted back into her office quickly, letting the door fall shut behind her.
He decided his remaining paperwork could wait. He packed his things up in a hurry, and decided to head out of the office, dialing your number on the way out.
You picked up on the first ring.
“Hey,” you started. “How was work? Are you heading out?”
“Yeah,” He started. He pushed through the glass doors of the office, staring towards the stairwell. “It was… busy. I just had a really interesting conversation with my coworker.”
“Mhm…” You had been lounging in your hotel room waiting for his call. “About..?”
“You, actually.” He replied. “She follows you on instagram. Apparently most of the office does. She showed me your post today.”
“Oh,” you replied. “Oh god, Spence. I’m sorry. I didn’t think… anyone would be able to tell who you were.”
He laughs. “Yeah, well… I work with some… characters. It’s totally fine, though.”
“Are you sure?” You ask, anxiously.
“Yeah. It was cute,” he replied, smiling to himself as he exited the building. “Tasteful.”
“That's what I wanted,” You reply.
“I thought Twitter was much more interesting, though.”
You froze, cringing. “Oh, god. Tell me you didn't read all of it.
He chuckles. “I skimmed it.”
You groan.
#criminal minds#spencer reid x reader#my things!#model!reader#spencer reid#spencerreid#fanfiction#spencer reid fluff#smau#penelope garcia
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Comfort
Note: Hello, loves! I guess I disappeared again 😭 I'm sorry, there's been a lot going on these past few weeks, and I wasn’t feeling very well. This is my way of making it up to you ❤❤ I'm still working on the second part of "Shadows and Whispers", but I got sidetracked, and something totally out of my element came out of it. I’m really sorry if this turns out to be a mess, I’ve never written anything obscene and explicit before, so feel free to tell me if it’s terrible! Remember, English isn’t my first language, so if there are any mistakes, don’t hesitate to let me know! Please take care of yourself! Love you all! 💙💙💙
P.S. I didn’t tag anyone because I wasn’t really sure if you’d want it, especially after disappearing for almost a month. Sorry 😭😭
Words: +1k
Warnings: Obscenity
Summary: Reader goes to comfort Azriel after he's returned from a mission. However, things take a turn, and somehow she finds herself in a sinful situation with the shadowsinger.
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I still didn't understand how the hell I had ended up in this situation.
Or rather, how I had ended up in this position.
My intentions in arriving at Az were completely genuine and innocent. I knew him well enough to know that he was absolutely frustrated with how the mission had ended, just as I also knew that he would try to hide his feelings because that was his way of dealing with everything.
When I arrived at the River House, I found him sitting at the foot of the bed with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands tangled in his dark hair. He was so out of it that he didn't even lift his head when he heard me enter and he didn't bother to pick up his wings either, a strong indicator of his mood.
Seeing him like this made my heart ache, and the urge to comfort him took hold of me, so I didn't even think when my feet carried me directly in front of him. Somehow, I sneaked my hand in and gently placed it on his cheek, forcing him to look up. His shadows were scattered and restless.
I wasn't ready for what I found in his hazel eyes: loneliness and resignation. He didn't even try to hide it from me, and that was what scared me the most. I was prepared to face the big wall he put up when something emotional was involved, but I wasn't ready for the honest vulnerability that hit me like a blow to the cheek.
"Aziel..." I let out with a shaky sigh.
He shook his head and for a second my body went rigid as I felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist and rest his head on my stomach. I reacted and instinctively placed one hand on his back, in the middle of his wings, and the other in his hair, scraping gently with my nails. In response, a shiver ran through him, and I stopped my movements abruptly.
"No" It was the first thing I heard him say since I had entered "Please... Just... continue."
I nodded even though I knew he wasn't looking at me and resumed my movements. He relaxed against me and settled his head higher, right between my breasts. HIS shadows calmed down then, and limited themselves to passing through us occasionally.
"Az..." I tried again.
“Y/n…” he interrupted me, pressing himself tighter against my body. "I need this right now. Just... tell me to stop if you don't want it."
I didn't stop him, and he decided to explore a little more, brushing his nose against the edge of my breasts, making me shiver. One of his hands that was on my waist went down to my ass and squeezed hard, but at the same time slowly, as if he wanted to melt into my skin.
A gasp of surprise escaped my lips when I felt him place soft kisses on my breasts, near the nipples, covered only by an old shirt that was too big for me. He put it in his mouth, wetting the shirt, making my hands fly straight to his hair, tangling and pulling gently. A grunt of approval came from Azriel, and all logical thought vanished from my mind, leaving me completely blank and a prisoner of sensations.
His hands became bolder reaching for one of my perfectly fitting breasts and he squeezed, making me gasp.
"You're so beautiful" he said breathily and pulled my shirt up over my head.
My breasts were exposed, and directly at the height of his lips, so he did not hesitate to put them in his mouth. I just arched my back, delighted in the way he made me feel even though I knew this was wrong. Az was very vulnerable right now and it was a miracle that he was showing me this side of him.
That thought hit me like a bucket of cold water and brought my feet back to earth.
"Az," I called after a moment. "We can't..." I gasped as I felt him pull my nipple between his lips. "Listen, I don't think this is a good idea..."
"I need to feel you close. I need to know that you are here with me," he pleaded in a tone of voice I had never heard before, "Making you feel good will make me feel good."
"But I don't want you to think that I'm taking advantage..."
"I need this. I need you" he interrupted me.
That took my breath away and the way he looked like I was his only lifeline made me give in, so I finally nodded.
The shadowsinger rewarded me by leaving a wet kiss on my neck before separating for a moment to unbutton his leathers and reveal all his glory. I didn't hold back and gently touched his skin, trying to convey everything I felt through those caresses, trying to tell him that I was there for him and from the way he tensed where my fingers passed, I assumed he could understand it. I even brushed the edge of one of his wings and he shivered violently, not hiding the low moan that escaped.
His hands moved down to unbutton my shorts without leaving soft kisses combined with licks on my neck. I dug my nails carefully into his back, avoiding the membranes, and he let out a hoarse moan that went deep into my bones. He slowly slid my pants down caressing my legs in the process and then helped me out of them once they hit the carpet beneath my feet.
That's how I was left in nothing but panties in front of Azriel, who was looking at me like I was the only damn person in his life that he had ever wanted. I didn't feel self-conscious under his scrutiny, on the contrary, I had the feeling that he was memorizing me.
“Y/n” he called with rapid breathing “You are beautiful, fucking beautiful.”
His words also had more meaning, I realized. It was the second time he had told me this tonight and somehow, he managed to warm my heart.
The shadowsinger manipulated my body to his liking, so he gave me one last open-mouthed kiss right over my heart before turning me over, leaving me on my back now. I felt him fill my spine with kisses and hook his fingers on my panties, slowly lowering them until he left a kiss on my lower back that made me shudder.
Completely naked, she took me by the waist to place me on his lap. I could feel his hardness beneath me, and he hissed when I ground my hips together.
I was sitting in the middle of his legs, until he hooked one of his hands and put one of my legs over his, so that I was wedged over it, although I still rested my back on his chest.
Then he hugged me, imprisoning me in his arms and hiding his face in my neck. His hands then went down, directly to my center, and he began to touch me with gentle movements, slow caresses on the clitoris that made me gasp. A moan escaped from the back of my throat as I felt his fingers slide into my folds and curve them deliciously.
"That's it honey, let me hear you" he whispered in my ear.
He repeated the movement, and my body went crazy when he added another finger. Everything was slow and felt completely different, it felt more intimate, fuller of feeling. His fingers worked magic inside me while he caressed my clit with his thumb. It was too much, and I figured Az could sense it because he sped up his movements.
Another moan escaped my lips as one movement pushed me over the edge and the orgasm rippled through me making me tremble, sweeping through everything. Azriel did not stop his hands, prolonging the sensation and supporting all my weight, since I had practically collapsed on top of him.
After a few seconds, he did something that left me gasping, partly from the orgasm he just gave me, and partly from the sensual sight. He took his fingers out of me, not caring in the least about the mess, and sucked on them, looking into my eyes before resting his forehead against mine.
"Az" I whispered in between a gasp.
He lunged at my lips and there are no words to describe the way he kissed me. It was messy, a combination of tongue and teeth, but it felt perfect, like once in a lifetime, everything fit together.
I walked away after a moment, to catch my breath, and he grimaced as if it physically hurt him not to be around, to which I responded by standing up and climbing up behind him, only this time who hid his face in his neck. It was me, absolutely enjoying the skin-to-skin contact and the way he held me close to his bare chest and mine.
Az didn't care about the mess I was probably making on his leathers still wearing my fluids. He didn't seem interested in any of that.
"Thank you for staying," he said after a moment, wrapping his wings around us.
"You have nothing to thank me for," I responded, taking his face in my hands. "How are you feeling?"
"Good, now that you're here." He responded and for emphasis, one of his shadows caressed my arm with a cold touch, making me smile.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked as I ran a finger over the membrane of his wing again.
A shudder consumed him along with a gasp and he rested his head on my shoulder.
"Not yet"
I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck. Trying to give him comfort beyond words and show him that she was here with him. Not anywhere else.
#acotar#azriel#acofas#acomaf#acosf#acowar#sjm#azriel x reader#bat boys#i dont know what im doing#azriel shadowsinger#azriel acotar#azriel spymaster#azriel fanfic
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Poe Dameron and Mae Tal
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Mind you if I infofump a little on my OC's backstory and maybe tell you about her dynamics with Poe?
My Star Wars OC character, Mae, is part of Clan Tal, a clan that was thought to be extinguished after the events of "The night of a Thousand Tears "
[ The Night of a Thousand Tears was the night on which the Galactic Empire massacred the Mandalorian people on the planet Mandalore during the Great Purge of Mandalore ]
Mae’s grandfather, Ebbel, survived the massacre on Mandalore. He was off-planet on Concordia at the time, attempting to infiltrate the ranks of the Death Watch. After the tragedy on Mandalore, he chose to remain on Concordia, helping raise the Children of the Watch. Believing they were the last Mandalorian survivors, Ebbel dedicated himself to the safety of the group.
Later in life, Ebbel had several children, including Mae’s father, Drex Tal. Raised within the strict orthodoxy of the Children of the Watch, Drex eventually left the group when he met Lyra, a Rebel pilot with whom he fell in love. The two settled on Lyra’s home planet, Ferrix, serving as backup for the Alliance, but living mostly a normal life. they had four children together, including their only daughter, Mae.
Mae grew up on Ferrix, far from the main traditions of the Children of the Watch. However, her father Drex still trained her in their Mandalorian ways, while Lyra passed down her knowledge of piloting. When Lyra fell ill and passed away, Drex withdrew from active duty in the Alliance, as it had never been his primary fight.
As a result, Mae had little involvement with the Resistance when it rose against the First Order—until much later. Trying to earn money for a new ship, she initially served as a double agent for the First Order but was eventually recruited by a faction of the Resistance on the Outer Rim. Mae’s unique skills as a Mandalorian pilot quickly attracted attention, and she was soon stationed at the Yavin IV base, reporting directly to Leia during the events of The Force Awakens. There, she met Poe.
Mae and Poe clash constantly, their personalities polar opposites in nearly every way. Poe is exasperated by her contradictory actions and unconventional methods, while Mae despises his hotheaded impulsiveness. They bicker and argue frequently; Mae often disobeys his direct orders, yet somehow manages to get the job done efficiently each time. This only irritates Poe further, and he finds ways to tease her in return, like joking that he can always tell when she’s approaching the hangar because her armor sounds like a “parade of clanking cans.”
There's a lot of story between Poe and Mae, that happens along the fight of the Resistance against the First Order and afterwards.
Its's sort of a Co-pilots to Friends to Situationship to Semi Enemies to Lovers thing (it's very freaking complicated,ngl.)
Anyways… I’ve never actually written down a summary of Mae’s backstory or a quick outline of how she interacts with Poe, so this was really fun.
I was just planning to post it without much context, but once I started writing, I couldn’t stop hehe
I did this sketch a few months ago, but I wanted to share it, while I keep working on other Poevember things and requests!
Thanks for reading my ramblings if you got until here!
HAPPY POEVEMBER!
Reblogs and comments are kindly appreciated!
@silvernight-m @ierofrnkk @howellatme @winniethewife
#poe dameron#poe dameron x oc#oc character#mandalorian#star wars#star wars oc#poevember#oscar isaac characters#digital drawing#my art
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An Unexpected Friendship pt 3
Master List
Characters: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Reader’s daughter, Jensen’s children
Warnings/Trigger Warnings: Physical Violence, mention of Domestic Abuse, Language, little bit of spice
A/N: This is a short story written in collaboration with @cheekygirl2309. In this story the reader is a widow who has a 4 year old daughter. She’s dating a very abusive man, so she enrolls her daughter in preschool to keep her as shielded as possible. At the preschool we find her daughter has made friends with a set of twins. At pick up one day the reader realizes the parent of her daughter’s best friend is none other than Jensen Ackles. A friendship forms, and decisions are made after a particularly nasty fight with her boyfriend.
No disrespect to Jensen or his family. This is a work of fiction and does not depict real life.
This chapter got a bit long….sorry. This chapter is a bit of a roller coaster, hold on. I promise it’s worth it, and please don’t come at me for things between the reader and Jensen. Things happen in life at different times.
Minors DNI 18+
I smiled back, but as soon as he opened the door my smile was replaced by a look of horror. Jensen turned to look at the person at the door as I said, “Robert.”
Jensen’s jaw tightened. “Y/N, baby, I’ve missed you.” Jensen stepped, blocking Robert from seeing me.
“Who the hell are you, pretty boy?” Robert snarled. “The man who is going to tell you one time to get the fuck off this porch before I make you leave.” Jensen’s voice was stern and booming.
Robert scoffed, “I came to see my girlfriend, you need to step aside.” “She’s NOT your girlfriend, she broke up with you then you came back and beat her up.” Robert was trying to talk over Jensen’s shoulder, “Baby, please. I’m sorry. You know how I can get. You upset me when you told me to leave. I can’t live without you, please.”
A fury filled my body and I stood. I stepped behind Jensen, and softly touched his back, “It’s okay Jensen.” Jensen’s jaw was still tight but he stepped to my side.
“Robert, I’m going to tell you one last time. This, us, we’re done. You put your hands on me, I ended up in the hospital from the beating you gave me. You don’t love me, and I’m not sure you’re even capable of it. Get off my property and don’t ever come back around me or my daughter.”
“You bitch! I gave you 6 months of my life, put up with you and your whiny ass daughter.” Robert lunged for me and Jensen stepped in between the two of us. He grabbed his hand and twisted it behind his back. “Y/N, call the police.” Jensen said over his shoulder.
I grabbed my phone and called the police. The dispatcher told me they would be there in a few minutes. “Jensen, they will be here soon.” I said after I hung up.
Jensen looked at me, “Thank you sweetheart.” It was a term of endearment I’d heard him say a few times, only this time he said it in front of Robert, which pissed him off.
“Oh I see, you broke up with me to be with pretty boy here. So how many times has she opened her legs for you? I could barely get her to go down on me, let alone fuck me.” Jensen was furious and without thinking he punched Robert in the face, then grabbed his chin tightly.
“Don’t you ever fucking talk about her like that again. You have no idea what she’s been through. What YOU put her and her daughter through. You don’t get to think about her again. You hear me! You even utter her name and I’ll kick your ass. I’d gladly go to jail for her, for Jazzy.”
My breath hitched. Nobody had ever defended me like Jensen was. My heart fluttered in my chest. I touched Jensen’s arm, “Jensen, it’s okay. Please don’t do this. He’s not worth it, I’m not worth it. Think about your children, your career. Jensen’s gaze turned toward me, “Y/N you’re worth so much. You’re an amazing mother, a kind person, and so damn beautiful. I’d gladly go to jail for you. Trust me, there is a lot more I’d like to do to him.”
My hand still on Jensen’s arm, “Please, let him go. Look, the police are here.” Jensen’s eyes turned toward the driveway as a police cruiser pulled up.
He let his hand drop and the deputy put Robert in cuffs. “I want to press charges against him. He punched me.” Robert yelled as the deputy escorted him to the car.
Jensen approached another officer. “Jensen, how are you?” The man asked. Jensen extended his hand, “I’m good, look man. I did punch him, but he was going for her and there’s no way in hell I was going to stand by and let him put his hands on her again.” “Sounds like you were protecting yourself and her. He has a history of attacking her, and he has a warrant out. Plus I didn’t see it, and I’m not taking his word.”
He smiled at Jensen, and then over at me. He whispered something to Jensen and then Jensen looked at me and smiled. The officer tipped his hat at me and walked away. “So do you know everyone here?” I asked Jensen as the officer walked away. “Oh, kinda. I grew up with Tom. We used to get into trouble growing up.” Jensen laughed.
I stepped closer to Jensen and placed my hand in his, “Thank you, Jensen. For everything you’ve done for Jazzy and me. I can’t begin to repay you.”
He gently took my face in his hands and held my gaze, “Sweetheart, you don’t have to repay me for anything. We protect the ones we care about. Now come on, let’s go get the kids from school and have a sleepover at my place.” I smiled, “I’m sure the kids will love just one more night together. I’ll go get some things together, and Jensen, thank you.” I placed a soft kiss on his lips as I turned to walk towards my room.
Jensen’s heart leaped in his chest and he felt a twinge of sadness replaying my words, “just one more night together” he didn’t want just one more night, he wanted the rest of your nights. It scared him, but he was falling in love with you. Jensen knew it was fast, but the need to protect you, give you the love you deserve was overwhelming, and he adored Jazzy.
I came back to the living room with an overnight bag. “Ready to go home?” Jensen asked. I smiled when he said “home”. “Yeah, let’s go get the kiddos and go home.”
Jensen took the bag from me and took my hand. My heart fluttered and I felt warmth through my body. Was it possible I was falling in love with him? I swallowed hard and looked at him as he took my hand in his.
Our fingers interlocked and he held tightly. Jensen smiled at me as we walked to his car. He opened the door for me and I climbed in. Jensen walked around and put my stuff in the trunk then slid in the driver's seat.
He grabbed my hand and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. I smiled at him and took a deep breath. Oh I knew I was in trouble. I definitely was falling in love with him.
We pulled up at the school and Jensen got out. Walking into the school Jensen placed his hand on the small of my back. Looking up at him he smiled, “Is this okay?” I nodded, “Yes, more than okay Jensen.”
I waited anxiously with Jensen by my side for the kids to come up to the office. I heard Jazzy and Zeppelin giggling before I saw them.
When Jazzy turned the corner and saw me she ran with her arms open wide. “Mommy!! You’re back. I missed you so much!” I dropped to my knees and pulled her into my arms tightly. I kissed her and told her how much I missed her.
I noticed Zeppelin and Arrow standing to the side looking a little sad. I opened my arms and motioned for them to come to me and they leaped in my arms too.
Jensen’s heart leaped. In that moment he saw the love you had for his children just pouring into the tight embrace you held the three children in.
How could something so new, feel so incredibly perfect and easy? There was no way he could let you go, he only hoped you felt the same way.
About 15 minutes later JJ was picked up and the six of you were headed to Jensen’s house. The kids talking and giggling in the backseat, Jensen and I stealing glances at each other.
Something about this felt right, normal. Like it was meant to be. I looked out the window of the car and a tear slipped out. A wave of guilt washed over me. I missed Josh, I missed the life we shared and mourned the future we lost. How would he feel about Jensen? How would he feel about me falling for someone so quickly?
Jensen’s eyes were drifting from the road to me. He noticed my posture change and he caught a glimmer of a tear. Jensen wasn’t sure if he should reach out to me or not. He glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the four children in the backseat. This moment, with the kids in the backseat and me by his side, felt right. His mind drifted to his late wife. A pang of guilt washed over him. How would she feel if she knew he was falling in love again? Would she be upset, or encourage it? He knew he needed to talk to Jared to help sort out his feelings.
Arriving at Jensen’s house the kids jumped out and ran inside. Jensen grabbed my bag and helped me inside. “Let me show you where the guestroom is. I just got it cleaned out. Jazzy was sleeping on a makeshift bed in my room, but we can move her into the guestroom tonight.” “Thank you, Jensen. I really appreciate everything.”
Jensen carried my bag upstairs and showed me the guestroom. It was a large room, with an ensuite bathroom, and a king size bed. It was modestly decorated, but was warm and inviting. “I hope this is okay?” I stepped closer, touched his arm and said, “It’s perfect, thank you.” I placed a soft kiss on his cheek.
He cleared his throat, “Well, I’ll let you get settled. I need to make a phone call, but when I’m done I’ll start cooking dinner.” “Jensen, let me help you with dinner, please.” “Oh no, absolutely not. You’re my guest and you need to be resting.” Jensen said.
I sighed, “Okay, I’m not going to argue. I’ll get settled and see you soon.” Jensen smiled in victory and walked to his office. Shutting the door, he sat at the desk and pulled out his phone. Jensen called Jared. “Hey Jens, how’s Y/N?” Jared asked as he answered the phone. “She’s good, we are home, well at my house. I really needed to talk to you, Jar.”
“Sure, man. What’s up? Is everything okay?” “I don’t know man. We kissed and it felt right, perfect. Being with her feels natural, the kids all being together, it feels like…” Jensen’s voice trailed off and Jared spoke, “Like the two of you are meant to be together?” Jensen’s voice soft, “Yes.”
Jared and Jensen sat in silence for a minute. “Jar, I’m falling in love with her and it scares the hell out of me. I feel like I’m betraying Dee, but, ugh, I don’t know man.” Jensen ran his hand through his hair. “Jensen, you’re not betraying anyone. She would want you to be happy and move on. If things feel like this, talk to Y/N. I bet she’s feeling the same way because what you’re saying has happened. Just talk to her, please.”
Jensen sighed, “Yeah, thanks man. I’ll let you know how it goes.” “Okay, and Jensen, everything is going to be fine.” After a few minutes of talking the two friends said their goodbyes, leaving Jensen with his thoughts. Thoughts that kept drifting back to you, the kiss, and how it felt to have your hand in his. He took a deep breath and let it out. He knew he needed to talk to you. If the death of his wife taught him anything it was to never leave anything unsaid.
Walking through the house, he found you downstairs watching the kids play outside. A smile plastered on your face.
I turned when I heard Jensen walk into the room, “Hey, look at these four. They are having a blast. I’m so glad Jazzy has them.” Jensen smiled, stepped closer and looked at the children playing in the backyard.
I felt him step closer to me, his body heat enveloping me like a warm blanket.
His hand brushed gently against mine and I looked at him. His green eyes full of love and desire. Jensen smiled and softly said, “Hey, can we talk?” I nodded, my heart thumping loudly in my ears and caught in my throat.
We sat down on the couch, and I was terrified. I didn’t realize I was shaking, Jensen took my hands in his. “Y/N, it’s okay. You don’t have to be scared of me, of anything ever again. I’m here for you and Jazzy for as long as you want.”
My head was down, I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I knew if I did all the love, all the feelings I was trying to keep inside would just bubble out. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I couldn’t take his children away from Jazzy.
Jensen’s hands lightly tilted my chin up, “Please look at me, sweetheart.” My eyes flicked up and I looked into his. Jensen smiled, “I have no idea how to start this conversation, and I don’t know how it’s going to end but I do know I need to tell you this.”
I swallowed hard, terrified of what he was about to say. My words caught in my throat, my voice wouldn’t allow me to speak so I just nodded.
“When my wife died I was devastated, lost and broken. My focus shifted to the kids and taking care of them. Then you and Jazzy came into our lives. Now my focus has shifted again, and it includes you and Jazzy. I can’t explain it, but being with you, having the two of you here feels right, like you’re supposed to be here. Then we kissed and I haven’t felt what I felt in a long time. It honestly scares me because it’s so fast, but I’m ready to jump into whatever this is. I think, no, I know I’m falling in love with you, Y/N.” Jensen let out a deep breath when he finished talking, it was like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders.
Tears filled my eyes. Jensen’s flashed with fear. “Jensen, when Josh died I didn’t think I’d ever be whole again. I had Jazzy and I felt so alone. I finally got the courage to date and you saw how that ended with Robert. Then you and your kids came into our lives at just the right moment. When you moved heaven and earth to get to me after I called you that night, when you took Jazzy in and sat at the hospital with me, I knew I was falling for you. Then we kissed and I hadn’t felt anything like that since Josh. When you protected me from Robert today, I knew I had fallen in love with you. You and your kids are everything to me. I’m scared, but more scared to just walk away from this. I don’t know where this is going to lead, but if you’re willing to try, so am I.”
Jensen softly smiled and I saw the fear in his eyes replaced with joy and love. He cupped my face, leaned in and kissed me. My hands went in his hair and he pulled me close. He deepened the kiss. We were so into the kiss we didn’t hear the door open.
Then a little voice pulled us out of the kiss, “Daddy..” Jensen smiled against my lips as we pulled away. My face was red and he was smiling, “Hey Zeppy, what’s up buddy?” “Um, can we have a snack?”
Jensen cleared his throat, stood and said, “Yep, let’s get you guys some snacks.” Jensen looked back at me and winked and I smiled.
I stood and walked in the kitchen to help him make a snack. Each time we passed each other we would gently touch each other. He reached above my head to grab some plates and as he did he placed a soft kiss on my cheek.
Butterflies filled my stomach. I felt like a teenager in love.
We walked outside with the snacks and were greeted by four giggling children. “What’s so funny guys?” Jensen asked as he set the snacks down. JJ walked over, “Daddy, are you and Miss Y/N getting married?” Jensen and I both looked stunned, “What? Why would you ask that?” “Because Zeppy said he saw you two kiss like you and mommy used to.”
My face burned red hot. Jensen chuckled, “No, sometimes when you like someone a lot you kiss them like that to show them. But only grown ups kiss like that.” You chuckled when he said that because it was such a dad thing to say.
The rest of the day was filled with laughter and spending time together. Jensen made burgers on the grill as the kids played in the yard and I sat watching. I tried to help but he wouldn’t let me.
I sat on the back porch as the sun started setting, watching the kids play and Jensen cooking. I couldn’t help but smile. This was a perfect moment. Jazzy was having so much fun playing with the kids and I loved seeing this side of Jensen.
“Hey, sweetheart, what are you thinking about?” Jensen asked as he smiled at me. “Just how perfect this is. Jazzy is having a blast and I just feel really lucky to be a part of this.”
Jensen walked over to me, held out his hand and pulled me up. “This can be our life, for as long as you want.” I smiled, looked over at the kids and then up at him. I placed a soft kiss on his lips.
Jazzy came running up, “Daddy, can I have a juice box?” I whipped my head to look at her, surprised by what she said. Jensen smiled and then Jazzy realized what she said.
A look of embarrassment crossed her face. She took off inside, crying.
I let go of Jensen and started to go after her. He touched my arm, “Let me go talk to her, please.” He asked gently. I nodded.
He walked inside and found her hiding on the side of the bed. “Jazzy, sweetie, come out. It’s okay baby.” She peeked over the bed at Jensen. Her big eyes, red from crying.
He motioned for her to come out. She slowly got up and walked over to him. Jensen pulled her in his lap and hugged her. Jazzy looked at him and sniffled, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you daddy.” She said as her tears fell again.
Jensen wiped her tears away and hugged her, “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay. You can call me Jensen, Daddy, or Daddy Jensen if you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with is okay with me.”
Jazzy’s eyes went wide, “I can call you daddy?” Jensen smiled and let out a little chuckle, “If you want to.” She smiled and nodded, “I don’t remember my daddy, but mommy says he loved me very much and always took care of me. You take care of me too. I think you are like my daddy.”
I stood in the hallway listening to them and my heart melted and ached too. Josh was an incredible father and it breaks my heart Jazzy missed out on it, but I’m so glad she has Jensen.
Jensen hugged her and kissed her head. “Come on sweetie, let’s go get washed up for dinner.” She nodded and jumped down, running out of the room and down stairs.
When Jensen walked out of the room he saw me and smiled, “How much of that did you hear?” I stepped up to him, put my arms around his neck, “Enough to know you’re more amazing than I imagined, and we are so lucky to have you.” Jensen smiled, pulled me flush to his body, “I’m the lucky one baby. You and Jazzy fit perfectly here with us.”
I smiled and kissed him, he deepened the kiss and I couldn’t help but moan in his mouth. When we finally parted I looked into his green eyes, “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of kissing you.” Jensen laughed, “Good, because I won’t either.” Then he kissed me again.
A few hours later the giggles of the children had quieted and they were in bed. Jensen and I sat together on the couch. My legs to the side of me as I laid against him. His arm laying on me, and his fingers dancing up and down my arm.
“Jensen, how is this going to work?” I asked, breaking the silence that filled the room. Jensen turned towards me, taking my hands in his, “Baby, we will figure it out. When I’m gone filming I’ll call you as often as I can, video chat when I can too, when I’m home, we will all be together, spending nights like this. I’m all in, Y/N.”
“I’m all in too, Jensen.” I moved to kiss him and he pulled me over to straddle his lap. My sleep shorts were thin and his sweatpants left nothing to the imagination. As I straddled him and kissed him deeper, I could feel his arousal pressing into me. My hips moved down and pressed his desire into me, pulling a moan from his lips.
His hands trailed up my body and it sent a rush of heat through my body. My heart quickened as my hands rested on his rock hard chest. I could feel my desire growing as Jensen’s hands moved over my body.
His teeth pulled my lower lip and I moaned. Jensen’s hands tugged at the hem of my shirt. I shook my head and he quickly pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it to the side. My bra covered breasts exposed to the cool air. Jensen looked over my body, his eyes scanning every inch. It made me feel vulnerable and desired all at once. His fingers danced across my skin, softly touching each bruise left by Robert.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You deserve so much better.” His lips kissed each bruise, like a silent plea to make it go away. I had never felt more wanted, needed and protected then I did when I was in his arms.
“Jensen, please.” “Are you sure, darlin’? We don’t have to rush this.” “Yes, I want this, I want you. If you do.”
Jensen pulled me into a deep kiss. This kiss was different than before. It was full of need, passion and want. I returned his kiss with equal fervor.
Jensen leaned back, “Come on, sweetheart, let’s take this to the bedroom.” I nodded and he helped me stand. He took my hand and led me through the house to his bedroom.
Once in the room, he closed the door and locked it. Capturing my lips again, he led me backwards to the bed. Gently laying me down, he hovered over me. He leaned up and removed his shirt. When I took in his chest, my thighs clenched together. Damn this man was stunning.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” Jensen asked softly as his lips trailed over my skin. “Yes. I’m ready, are you?” Jensen nodded, “More than ready.”
Tags are open, if you want to be added or removed, let me know.
Tags:
@nescaveckwriter @kr804573
@k-slla @jackles010378
@jawritter @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx
@roseblue373 @cheynovak
@jassackles @chriszgirl92
@suckitands33 @arcannaa
@n-o-p-e-never @ladysparkles78
@smoothdogsgirl @hobby27
@manicjk @stoneyggirl2
@deans-spinster-witch @snowayumi
@shadowqueen1318 @shanimallina87
@muhahaha303 @fitxgrld
@nancymcl @baby19sthings
@cheekygirl2309 @oceean
@kindollss @foxyjwls007
@lmg14 @cevansbaby-dove
@spxideyver @reignsboy19
@deans-baby-momma @deansimpalababy
@ladykitana90 @quietgirll75
@superrey @kamisobsessed
@obliviousap @ninii-winchester
@mischiefnevermanaged89-blog @whimsyfinny
@bobbdylan @star-yawnznn
@reignsboy19 @monkey-d-hoshizora98
@depressionbarbie2023 @livingdeadblondequeen
@mandee7
#hes gorgeous#so damn sexy#jensen ackles#jensen ackles x plus size reader#jackles#jensen ackles x reader#jensen ackles smut
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emchante’s 1k celebration!! ⋆˙⟡
one thousand followers!! i’ve had this account for just over 3 months, and i can’t believe how quickly it has grown. i love and appreciate each and every one of you more than you’ll ever know. this event will be to give back to you all, for all the support you’ve given me <3
now, read below for the celebration!
guidelines ⋆˙⟡
this event will run for a month (dec. 14th) and during that time, anything listed below is on the table!
there are no limits on how much a person can send in, please feel free to send in as much as you’d like— but i would encourage you to do multiple, as opposed to all of the same option <3
if i have written for a driver before, you’ll be able to request them for this event. check my requesting rules for clarity.
💌 — ask away! send any questions you’d like! personal questions, writing questions, questions about my works ect.
🏷️ — prompt list listed below are smut, fluff and angst prompts. choose as many as you please + a driver, and i’ll write a blurb for you.
smut smut smut
fluff fluff fluff
angst angst angst
💭 — drabbles only have a certain scene/scenario you’d like written out? send it in, and get a drabble in return.
🎶 — now playing.. send me a song of your choice, a driver, and a genre (smut, fluff, angst) and i’ll write you a little something based on the song requested.
🏹 — matchmaker! send me a small description of yourself, and i’ll tell you which driver i think you’d pair well with.
☕️ — ask me over coffee fmk, would you rather, this or that, top 5 ect.
tagging some of my lovely mutuals as a small appreciation and thank you for joining this journey with me <3 @thef1diary @chilling-seavey @yauchfilms @goldenroutledge @spiderbeam @aceyalonso @lizlovestofangirl @f1amour
#em celebrates!#em’s 1k celebration#daniel ricciardo x reader#max verstappen x reader#franco colapinto x reader#carlos sainz x reader#oscar piastri x reader#lewis hamilton x reader#george russell x reader#charles leclerc x reader#lando norris x reader#f1 x you
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*glances at my 32 unposted yet finished chapters*
me: this is fine
#Lloyd’s Guide To Surviving The Merge (And Finding A New Family Through It)#I’ll post them soon I swear!#I’ve had these written for MONTHS but like#I’ll start posting once I finish these next four#lego ninjago#ninjago#ao3#ao3 author#my family says I should post them#Pretty sure my mom thinks I’m crazy#lego ninjago dragons rising#lloyd garmadon#ninjago dragons rising#I’m also a little scared because my fanfics have predicted new Ninjago lore before#Like wdym Morro is actually back???#WDYM I PREDICTED THAT#im scared#anyway if you guys wanna talk about the new Morro leaks drop an ask cos I need to yap about it!
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it’s so easy to forget that you can literally write whatever you want
#i think especially if you post your writing it’s easy to forget because#sometimes we subconsciously try and write reader as someone who most readers will like#instead of writing reader as#yourself for example#sometimes i feel disconnected from my own reader-insert-guy#you know ?!#i haven’t written anything with me in mind as the reader#i had this sudden realization#just now#as im writing a lil vent-y kind of fic#that i probably won’t end up posting HOWEVER#im writing the reader as myself for the first time and it’s#making me happy today#as for the vent not to worry sbshjsjdkd I’ve had this issue with an irl for a couple months now#tis all okay and well#🐇 — text !#but you can literally write so much. like if you’re nervous for something u could write ur fav offering support#if ur happy u can write them being happy w u! if ur mad u can write them telling someone off for u#u have so much freedom as a writer#love that a lot#on the other hand i can write sakura pouring milk before cereal if i wanted to#i could even make suo do that#cw vent#INCASE
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me knowing fics are due between the 17-23 of next month: 😌
Me realizing the 17th is basically two weeks away: 😳
#my time blindness really just smacked me in the face this morning#up until today I could say that I had a month bc it was still November#but today is the last day I can say that#which means soon it will be due This month#which to my adhd brain means it’s due Today#like at least I’ve got at least half of it written#but I hate posting WIPs bc I like adding foreshadowing#which means only posting works I’ve completely written#it’s fine it’s fine its fine it’s fine it’s fi-#bela talks
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Fuck it, time to be loudly cringe & find my 30 weirdos.
Trafficstuck AU
Because even 12 years after starting Homestuck, I still found myself in bed one night, trying to sleep, but unable to because all I could think about was Griann <> Gudtym Wiscar.
(I’ve got so much figured out for this AU that I don’t know how to share. Please send me asks about your fave/anything you’re curious about so that I can have some direction for this lore vomit!)
#I’ve got troll names & blood colors for everyone#plus a handful of their quadrants figured out#I have so many more ideas tho that I haven’t written down yet#(I should really write this stuff down…)#I can tell you right now tho that there are A Lot of ships in this#mostly because quadrants but also because like#what not have polyamory if it’s my AU & I want to?#also lots of quadrant confusion#because feelings are complicated#(also I promise for my followers who are looking for SmallEtho or scarian)#(that there is plenty of both in this AU.)#trafficstuck#hermitstuck#(because that tag gets seen more & I might expand to all the hermits as well once I know them better!)#traffic smp#trafficblr#verdant art#also I drew these like. Over a month ago.#it was the doodle of Gudtym & Griann that actually drove me to join this fandom.#(this fandom being mcytblr)#I drew these nerds as trolls & suddenly the brain rot had claimed me lol#scarian#I supposed I should tag that just in case.#as it’s explicitly stated here.
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I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.
So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.
Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.
Let’s get right into it.
1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”
I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.
2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.
That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.
3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.
I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.
4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.
I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.
5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.
If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.
If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.
After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.
6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.
They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.
Now, it is.
7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.
8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.
That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.
In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.
8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)
So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.
9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.
I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.
All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.
10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.
Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.
Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.
So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.
As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.
The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(
All of this was just the breaking point, really.
Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.
#tw suicide mention#tw mental illness#tw abuse#I’m not putting it in main tag#I know that nobody will believe me#the document I have has pictures and photos with evidence#I’ll post it on a different account about a month from now#I don’t like drama on my blog#beyond the things that ppl have taken from years ago plus my breakdown on the panic room server I haven’t done anything else#(excluding a personal fight me and an ex-confidant had that was only between me and them. it involved no one else)#also… “salty wet’’ was the worst thing I said in the server. ever#because I am ace and I’ve never written actual….. yknow…… before.#the panic room would say downright s*xual things on the daily; with Ghouse never really discouraging them from doing so#I have a screenshot of him replying to a minor like this too#it was very common#…#but I will put it in the doc instead#all of the things tarot card put in their doc was taken out of context#it’s kind of weird that Ghouse is having a minor lead his charge?#he was talking about moving in with a minor… if he really cared about inappropriate conduct he wouldn’t talk about that#…oh. and; some people who blocked me had commissions in progress#so if they’re reading this… keep the playlist. keep the money. I understand. it was fun while it lasted.#those things belong to you now
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hi it’s the one year anniversary of me posting my first ever fic ???
idk this is not strictly sappy bc it’s been a long sad year but like. this time last year i was maybe the most miserable i’ve ever been and hadn’t talked to my mother in five months and stopped going in to college. and then exactly one year ago i took the train from norwich to edinburgh and listened to matilda on loop for five hours and then got home and watched 6x04 and cried and stayed up all night writing you can start a family who will always show you love and then got a train to manchester to stay with my little queer chosen family for a couple days. and on the train i cried some more reading all the lovely comments people had left
and i didn’t properly climb into tumblr fandom until this february and didn’t write anything else until april. and i am still so fucking lonely most days i don’t know what to do with it and i still don’t know how to exist around my mum and i don’t really know how to get out of where i am
but oh man having this little corner of the internet and knowing all of you has made that horrible black hole feeling in my chest just that much smaller and i love u guys so unbelievably much for it like!!!! i love u i love u i love u the loneliness and the sadness and the lostness is all bearable these days and i don’t think it would be without This u know! without u! without being able to write about it lmao! <3333
#this is. unbelievably oversharey pls ignore lmfao i’m just. Big Day for me#measuring my life in Before Fic and After Fic#like i literally had not written anything since high school and this last year i’ve poured out 150k#these last six months mostly but. Started a year ago#anyway i love u guys so very much#n
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Let’s not pretend Hollyoaks was doing queer relationships when other soaps wouldn’t dare. People are so annoying
Ikr. Hollyoaks were very daring in their early days with queer characters and have been pioneering when it comes to not only their gay/lesbian/bi/pan storylines and romances but also their trans characters. they’ve kept up a very consistent roster of queer characters throughout the years unlike a lot of the other soaps and they deserve real credit for that.
#like yeah not everything has perfect angy they’ve made mistakes along the way#but they had very well written and very successful queer romances happening 15+ years ago!!!#they are very aware of their own history and have maintained a solid queer cast for their entire tenure since then#feels so unfair to me for anyone to act like they’re trying to imitate anyone else except themselves lol#sorry I don’t mean to be negative guys I’ve just seen this sentiment a handful of times in the last few months and it’s so silly#replies#anonymous
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I have a fun (fanfic) idea that builds around the idea that oh, Sasha is bad a levitation, but Milla is bad a marksmanship. Not just, that they’re bad, but that they’re so bad at it that they can technically levitate/psi blast, but they just do it so wrong it has no effect.
For example, Milla can concentrate a blast of energy from her mind, and she’s pretty good at targeting, but she doesn’t do any damage. It’ll just gently push the target, but only push it enough to where you need special tools to measure the change.
Meanwhile Sasha can create the lev ball and float, and it can exist for a long time without bursting, but it doesn’t suspend or lift anything. If you stand on the lev ball it can support your weight, but it’s stationary. It cannot move. So my idea is that they got assigned to be partners because they have mastery over their own skills and hopefully will teach the other how to actually have function in their powers. The reason they don’t work right is because they’re not in the right mental space and trying to use the opposite technique to achieve similar results.
That and trauma. Milla doesn’t like concentrating/focusing on her own feelings because a lot of her negative emotions is related to the fire, which she wrongfully blames herself for. She’d much rather let her emotions flow from place to place, intensity to intensity than have to face and concentrate on her guilt. Meanwhile Sasha doesn’t want to let his mind wander, because he knows what it’s going to drift to. He’s pretty good at regulating his emotions but not so much reflecting on why he is having an emotion, so it’s just a cycle. But ultimately, they’re both stuck in their ways because they’re secretly terrified of getting hurt again.
So naturally they’d both have to develop as instructors and their own personal relationship to make any progress on anything. They start out with an insultingly basic view of each other, but eventually grow realize how deep and interesting they both are as people. They both even start to realize how actually similar they are and realize their own faults by observing the other person. And the further their relationship goes the better understanding they have of one another and the ability to be vulnerable gets easier. They both admit that they’re afraid of hurting someone and (literally and metaphorically) falling, but they assure the other person that they’ll cover them and make sure they’ll be alright. At some point they both realize that this is the closest relationship either of them really have to another person, to trust someone enough to admit your dirtiest, painful secrets and not have the other person react in a way that only makes you feel worse.
This continues until the lessons get adapted into a way that they can improve and their skills actually become effective. Not good, just functional, below average if will. Milla’s blasts can actually do damage now, but she’s still not great at it. If the average agent can do three(3) damage per blast, and Sasha can do five(5) per blast as an expert, Milla can shoot for about one(1)-two(2) damage per shot. And Sasha can float and move quicker on a lev ball, but the average agent can do basic movements like moving diagonally, Milla can do elaborate flips and poses and stunts, but Sasha can only move in a straight line, and slow descent(in a straight line).
But after they teach each other how to use their skills, they’ve really honed how to work together as a team and thankfully get assigned to work together on missions all the time. So they can truly keep that promise of looking out so they don’t hurt anyone or fall.
#psychonauts#psychonauts 2#sasha nein#milla vodello#fanfic idea#slash headcancon I guess?#I’ve had this idea floating in my head for a couple of months but I have like three other projects to work on#sorry if this description/explaination/overview is too basic#but I already have like rough scenes written out#like Sasha leaving Milla to practice for ten minutes alone and she accidentally starts a forest fire panicking from auditory hallucinations#so the psychonauts do psychic training within minds now….to prevent further forest fires#and there’s like arcs planned#milla has an identity crisis after losing the one trait she built herself on: being a mother#Sasha has an arc about being more social and allowing himself to be close with someone other than his mentor#and y’know emotional repression#if they are going to fall in love I specifically want Sasha to fall in love after Milla’s identity crisis is solved and she starts thriving#I don’t really know what else to say#good night I guess?#good night!
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My thoughts on the Stoic Seneca and on taking showers
#my art#my poem#poetry#latin#poem#original poem#seneca#stoicism#roman empire#roman history#latin prose#lucilius#ok so.. imo this is not the best poem I’ve written but it illustrates how I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months#I feel angry at myself and depressed and envious and all the things this roman asshole hates and I’m so ashamed#my therapist says not to view my feelings as a weakness and I’m trying so hard but it doesn’t work and so I had to write this#my latin career is almost over this is the last semester I’m taking latin and so it kinda feels like I’m breaking a part of myself off#I felt the same way senior year of highschool when I took my last art class#like.. I’ve been taking latin since I was 14 and I’ll be 19 in a couple of months#I think the hardest part of college is picking your priorities and when your depressed you can barely prioritize bathing yourself#and you are alone in your decisions.#I feel like I’m giving up now that I’ve decided to stop taking latin but I just have other priorities#so I think this poem is an odd to that part of myself#*ode to that part of myself godtdamn autocorrect
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Prompt up for grabs, if any rhinky writer is so inspired! It’s yours!
I think it’s safe to say I’m not getting around to any new rhink prompts anytime soon ❤️🧡
(If anyone does write it, and you send me a link to the post - I’ll link it to this person’s comment ✨)
#rhink#rhink fic#I’m not likely getting around to new rhink prompts#I have a couple in my inbox that I think I’ll get to!#but the whole 2024 prompt challenge thingie is sooo abandoned#I was going to try it bc I thought I had writers block#buuuuut#I’ve written 60k in the past 3 months(!!!)#none of that has been rhink 😬#so yeah.. turns out my princess (muse) is in another castle (fandom)
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How have you been?? I miss you <3
hiiii i literally love u guys sm im so sorry i dont upload as much as i used to im rlly trying its just that my motivation is so gone and i feel like anything i write SUCKS and i just dont wanna let u guys down 😔
i miss all of u guys i miss interacting w you i miss getting compliments on my fics i miss ALL OF IT i just don’t have anything to give you guys 😭 
right now im on oxy which is making me super emotional which is where this post came from but ily you internet strangers sm fr
like if u ever feel like no one cares but you follow me? i care babe i swear
pop into one of my comment sections and i’ll RAAHH
i will love the shit outta you oml
okay anyways im going back to sleep now
ily guys
im sorry
#i just got surgery done that’s why im on oxy#not cus i do drugs#but i’ve literally had a story written for like a month or two but#i can’t find an ending and#im so scared u guys just won’t like it#like i feel like it’s kinda boring :((#luvrmail 💌#i love u guyssss
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