#I’ve had the idea for the water gods monologue for like all of two days and I’m like shaking with the urge to write it JSJJSJDD

[hawnks]

JUST KISS ALREADY

[melrodrigo]

The Other Side Of The Door - V.C.

Vada Cavell x Fem!Reader

Summary: Vada’s been a questionable girlfriend lately, and you’ve decided you’ve had enough.

Warnings: Angst, Vada is kinda toxic in this, mentions of drinking

Word Count: 1.2k+

A/N: Inspired by TOSOTD by miss t-swizzle herself. I hope u angst monsters r happy, I don’t write angst very often. Also! Did not proofread this, sorry bout that

“Leave.” You say, face stoney and eyes narrowed. You ignore the voice inside of you that says this is a terrible idea.

Your girlfriend blinks back at you, taken aback by the venom in your voice.

Her expression changes from happy to crestfallen in a second, and it takes everything in you to not immediately take back what you’ve just said.

“What is this about?” She asks, eyes wide.

The minute your girlfriend had waltzed into your room, whistling to her favorite Juice Wrld song, she had been met with the sight of you sitting on your bed, arms crossed.

“What is this about? Are you kidding, Vada?” You seethe, too pissed to have any sort of filter anymore.

She gulps.

“How about it’s about the countless times I’ve had to drag you back home because you were drunk shitless, doing god knows what with god knows who, without any explanation whatsoever.” You’re standing up now, sizing Vada up.

“It’s about the amount of times you’ve ignored me this whole week, never answering texts, never picking up my calls. Am I even your girlfriend anymore?” You press, rambling as if everything that’s been pent up inside you for weeks stars spilling out all at once.

Your girlfriend pales as you monologue, eyes darting to lock on anything but your face.

“But-“ She opens her mouth and closes it a couple times, searching for something to say.

You cut her off quickly. Unwillingly to let her have any say in this.

“Quite frankly, I’ve had enough. So if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to leave.” You tell her, pretending you don’t see the way her eyes are starting to water.

She’s as still as a statue for a good minute or two, contemplating what she wants to do. You can practically see the cogs turning in her brain.

One more glare from you has her rushing out your room and downstairs. You can’t help the pang in your chest as you watch her leave. After everything, you still want her to stay.

Stupid girl and the grip she has on me.

Nothing quells your bad mood for the rest of the night. You spend dinner shooting back one word responses to your mom’s inquiries, irritable.

You tuck yourself into bed, check your phone for a message from anyone—okay, maybe you wanted to see if Vada had said anything, but nothing. You huff and pull the sheets over your body, closing your eyes shut and forcing sleep to have its way with you.

-

Somehow, in the morning, you wake up even more annoyed. Whenever you’ve had fights with Vada before, the morning after she’d be all over you; begging for forgiveness and blowing up your phone.

You’re ashamed to admit you like the attention.

Today, nothing. Not a single call or text from your normally oh so talkative girlfriend.

As the day goes on, you start feeling mournful. Regret courses deep through you. You sit and stew in your feelings until you can’t think of anything else.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said all that.

It’s a sad Sunday that’s spent with you staring at cute photographs you’d taken with her months prior, and jumping at the sound of any notification. It’s pathetic, but you need her. You don’t remember how long it’s been since you and Vada have had a day apart.

You’re stuck. You miss her so much, but your stupid pride won’t allow you to text first, or to go find her, because what would you even do? You’d been the one to apologize first too many times. This time, you decide it’s going to be up to Vada.

You sleuth around for the rest of your Sunday. When you finish dinner and storm to your room, your turmoil has turned into spite.

“If you don’t call in the next 5 minutes I swear I’m breaking up with you.” You hiss to the phone, staring intently at Vada’s profile picture, as if she’s just going to pop out of the phone by sheer will of you wanting her there.

After a minute of this, you set the phone down and take a deep breath. You turn your phone on do not disturb and pick up a book. All this drama has you feeling like you need to reconnect with nature a bit.

It’s a book Vada herself had recommended you, which was funny, since your girlfriend barely read shit. You hate to admit she has good taste. You glide through the pages easily, happy for a distraction.

Minutes turn into hours, and before long, you notice that the light is starting to dim down and the sun is starting to set. You also hear the tiny pitter-patter of rain hitting the roof.

You get up and walk to your window, face still buried in your book, and gently ease it open, hoping to find some comfort in the fresh air and smell of wet grass.

What you get is not that. A pebble, the size of your pinky comes hurling, too fast for even your reflexes to react.

It hits you smack dab in the face, making you loosen your grip on the book and dropping it. You groan, rubbing the part of your nose that stings. You hear a tiny oh shit below you and you peer out your window so fast it gives you whiplash.

The sight of Vada standing in the rain, her hair messy and her bike discarded on your tiny front yard brings out a lot of mixed emotions in you.

Finally. Goddamn, finally.

She looks sheepish as she speaks. “I’m sorry!” She squeaks. “I didn’t mean to hit you- I swear. I was just trying to do one of those huge romantic gestures where the guy gets the girls attention by throwing pebbles at her window ya know? But it ended up being kinda fun and I didn’t see you when I threw that one-“ She says, speaking so fast you can barely understand her.

When you don’t answer, it’s almost like Vada remembers what she came here for. She straightens up, wiping her palms on her loose graphic tee.

“I’m sorry. I really am. If you would hear me out, I’ll explain everything. I promise. I’m sorry for not coming to my senses earlier, and I’m sorry for not paying you enough attention. I love you, I’m in love with you; you know that. More than anything.” She yells, almost screams so you can hear her clearly.

You feel your walls crumble immediately. How were you going to deny your sweet, loving, albeit sort of confusing girlfriend of your love? It was no use. She always wins when it comes to you.

You sigh.

Vada waits patiently, shifting on her feet and shivering slightly from the cold.

You gesture for her to come in with your hand, and you have to stop yourself from laughing at the joy that sparks across her face immediately.

She sprints in, saying a quick hello to your mom- who probably heard everything, and runs up the stairs, practically tackling you onto your own bedroom floor.

She’s soaked, and you can already feel the water seeping through your own shirt, but you don’t care. Vada’s wrapped herself tight around you, like a baby koala. She’s trembling slightly, and you notice she’s crying.

You place your hand on top of her head, rubbing gently. You murmur sweet nothings into her ear.

She tilts her head up to look at you, eyes all red and puffy. She looks so pretty like this.

“I missed you so much.” She gushes.

You grin lazily, happy to have your girlfriend back in your arms.

“I missed you too, baby.”

[twilight-skies]

I can’t believe it’s been a year, and I also can’t believe it’s finished.

So I guess I’m two days late posting this, but it was the night of the 30th that I realized that was the anniversary and not July first. So I only had the time to finally finish it last night. Close enough.

A year ago now we all were given the news of Technoblade’s passing, and a few days afterwards I got the idea to build something for him in my own solo survival world. Over the last year I’ve been slowly on-and-off working on it, and as it took so long to become how I wanted, I decided to get it finished by the first anniversary and share it with everyone then.

(View of the front and reverse)

(View of the front and reverse)

I first had the idea of a small hollowed out cave with dark oak trees at the entrance and a decorated room inside, and I then chose a small cove along the coast that my base is on. There, I first drained out the water and started building into the land.

Between several design changes and resource trips; making the trees and roof by hand when I realized it was too cramped to grow them; a creeper falling out of the fucking sky to not only destroy a double chest full of supplies and the entire entrance, but also give me (what I believe was) my first death in the world’s history; the painstaking process of sand-draining as well as some very long decoration-hunting; terraforming the cove to make it look more natural; and finally finding all of the quotes I wanted to put in, this has been quite the build. Don’t let the small size fool you.

While this is my survival world, I like to think of it as a work of art that is forever in the making (mostly because that’s how I keep myself from abandoning every project. look I swear now that this is finished I’ll get to the barn.) so while the glass path may look slightly awkward (and I may make it better at a far later date), the rest of it fits right in perfectly, as it will for the rest of the world’s existence. I’m incredibly happy with how it turned out and I hope you guys do too. Below and in the reblogs are all the photos I took, so if you reblog this yourself please do so with the version with all of the pictures.

GG Alex, take this as a humble gapple in your eternal duel with god.

Also, I’d like to think that he’d approve of the fact that several impromptu chicken murders were committed in the creation of this monument.

Also also, sorry for the light glares in most of the photos, I couldn’t avoid it.

The entrance:

(the front of my base is on the other side of the mountain, built into the entire thing)

Left and right walls:

I knew from the beginning that I wanted to add quotes on the walls. What I ended up doing was make a book filled with all of the other good ones I collected, and all the space I had for signs on the walls was used to write out my favorite of all of Techno’s quotes, aka the Skyblock monologue. (Which SAD-ist also animated as their own tribute to him.)

There are more photos, but due to Tumblr’s limit they will all be in the next couple reblogs.

[twopoppies]

Hi!! What are your personal favourite fics ever ? And could u do a list of your fav deleted fics? I think I really just need new fics to read Haha Xx

Oh, I love that question. Okay, I already have a list of Favorite Fics, but here are my fave deleted ones:

Into The Blue by Zarah5 (E, 117K) honestly, I love all of this author’s fics, but I think this is my favorite of theirs. Louis as a flirty scuba instructor? Newly single Harry who just wants a fling? Boys living on other sides of the world who only have a few weeks together? Heartbreak. Hot af smut. OT5 friendship. Please….give me all that shit.

Pull Me Under by zarah5 (E, 140K) One of the very first fics I read when I came into this fandom…and I’ve read it multiple times since. Zarah’s fics hold up every time. This one has it all, great pacing, ot5 friendship, banter, super sexy smut, etc etc. Plus, Louis being super jealous of Harry’s best friend.

to hell with romancing by bottomlinsons (E, 8K) This is worth reading for Harry’s internal monologue alone. This is just a funny fic that morphs into a sweet and really sexy one.

Dream Awake by protagonist_m (M, 31K) beautifully written, this one pulled me in and I got lost in the story so deeply. It’s one of those fics that really deserved a wider audience.

pretty in pink by hereforlou (E, 6K) I love this author’s writing and they give suck a realistic portrait of an established relationship in this one: Harry is whiny and needy. Louis is indulgent and loving. The whole thing is very sexy.

into joy i’m sailing by hereforlou (E, 5K) This fic is so tender and soft and sexy. The whole idea behind the fic was just something that felt very real and so fully realized.

This is cheating, but I honestly love so many of hereforlou’s fics, so here are all the ones I have.

feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream by togetherwecouldbealright (M, 123K) I read this one so, so long ago that all I remember is that I loved it, that there’s some really romantic and sweet moments, and that my notes from way back when only say, “OMG this one is so good! And I’ve barely gotten to the smut!” HAHAHAHA!

Good Enough to Eat by objectlesson (E, 7K) This author always does such a good job with depicting young, queer love and the way their characters experience the overwhelm of realizing they’re not straight, realizing the’ve met their Person, pining, and giving in. I love a lot of their fics, but I think this is my favorite of them. However, I highly recommend looking through all of them.

as he that sleeps here swims by Acavall (M, 23K) This was one of the very first fics I read in the fandom way back in 2013. It’s sweet and charming and a little melancholy (happy ending of course). Harry’s a ghost, there’s a little magic involved, and there’s a sweet 8K epilogue, as well.

In Vogue by otpforever (M, 121K) This one is just….so much. The intensity of the characters, the crazy hot smut (oh god, the window scene), the FASHION, the angst (I had to take a walk around the block after reading it), the epic love story between two men who could rule the world if they could just figure their shit out. Loved it.

like a boomerang by youwill (M, 48K) Very loosely based on the movie Groundhog’s Day (essentially just the concept of reliving a day over and over), this fic is delightful and charming and really worth a read.

Take Care Down By The Water by shyserious (M, 37K) Not quite mermaids, but oh my goodness I loved this fic. Magical realism, mythical creatures, dreamy/moody atmosphere, beautiful writing.

Where Your Heart Is by tvshow_addict (E, 154K) One of my all-time favorite fics and an absolute must read IMO. Chock full of hurt/comfort (both emotionally and physically), this fic is so moving and so beautiful and will take you on an emotional roller coaster ride from start to finish.

The Road Less Travelled by freetheankles E, 98K) Also known as “the lumberjack fic”, this fic is an instant classic. The author makes widowed Louis’ pain and depression so real and so moving. The characters are three-dimensional and complex and the well written sexual tension is finally relieved with super hot smut.

You Always Make Me Smile by champagneboyband (E, 60K, WIP) Yes, it’s a WIP. I’m listing it because the hope that someday it will be updated gives me the will to live. But also because even as a WIP this fic has everything I love. The characters are multi-faceted, the sexual chemistry is off the charts, the background story is complex enough to give the story numerous possibilities for angst and everything else. WHY MUST IT REMAIN A WIP???

something so precious about this by champagneboyband (E, 4K) this is just endearing and awkward and so well written. I love how much you get a sense of their connection and their inexperience and how much they care for each other in just a few thousand words.

I have lots more that I haven’t read, but of the ones I have, these are my faves. You can also check my DELETED FICS tag for more or search my blog for an author’s name. If someone has asked for their fics, it will be tagged.

[souichi-simpings]

Cigarette of love (SFW)

A quick fic about Souichi smoking a cigarette for the first time!

I was reminiscing the first time I had a cigarette and thought it would be extremely funny (and cute) to see Souichi have a cigarette.

You two are high schoolers.

Just another boring day of high school, monotonous classes and tedious people, nothing special happening at all. Your head was hurting and you craved for some nicotine.

"Souichi, keep a look out for me! Are you absolutely sure no teachers are closeby?"

"I told you, yes, just get to it so we can go back, it's more suspicious if we take too long!" Souichi rushed you to smoke your cigarette, nervous about getting caught. He had a huge crush on you, has had since elementary school but could never tell it to you. He always tried to impress you with his curses and tricks, but it didn't seem to make you fall head over heels in love with him. Wonder why is that?

You took a cigarette out of the pack with your shaky hands, placing it softly on your lips and lighting it, the first drag soothing your nerves, making your shoulders relax. "Ohhh god I really needed this... You have no idea how hard it is to go half a day without a smoke" You sighed, the cigarette smoke leaving your lungs as you rubbed the bridge of your nose. "Seriously, you're so lucky that you didn't start smoking like I did" Souichi hummed, curiousity rising within him. "I've never even tried a cigarette. Do they taste the same as they smell?" "Huh? Hmm, I suppose it's similiar, but not really. You wanna try some?" You smirked as you extended your arm towards him, moving the cigarette to his reach. "Or are you a scaredy cat?" You poked your tongue out at him playfully, letting out a small laugh.

Souichi's face turned pink with frustration, he certainly didn't want you to think he wouldn't have the guts to taste the addictive stimulant. This was the chance for him to show that he is ready for any challenge! "I'm not a scaredy cat!" he frowned before reaching for your hand, but before he took the cigarette between his fingers he stopped

"Wait a second..." He thought to himself "Isn't this almost like.... an indirect kiss?!"

His face turning a darker shade of red, but not from frustration, as he thought about the idea of kissing you indirectly, or maybe even directly, still standing still with his hand reached towards yours.

"Souichi, you really don't have to try it if you don't want to..." You said, concern in your voice for your friend as he just stood there frozen in place. Souichi snapped out of his little fantasy, shaking his head before hurriedly taking the cigarette from your hand "No! Give it to me, I want to try it! It can't be that bad, seriously you always make a big deal out of ev-" His nervous monologue interrupted by a strong coughing fit as he tried to inhale the smoke. He squatted down on the ground as he tried to breathe, his eyes were watering and he felt like his lungs were on fire. Are you seriously doing something like this every few hours? And enjoying it?

"Oh, haha, Souichi are you okay? It's not pleasant at first, just try to breathe slower. Do you need some water?" You reached inside your bag for a bottle of water, but Souichi waved his hand and gave you a thumbs up as a sign that he is alright as he continued to cough his lungs out. You kneeled down to his level beside him, taking the rest of your cigarette back from him, watching Souichi as the coughs started to subside. You gently put your hand on his shoulders, rubbing his back a little bit as you tried to comfort him. "There, there, it will be okay soon" You smiled to him as he lifted his head up, his face moist with tears and eyes red. This reminded you a lot from the time you had your first cigarette. You extinguished your cigarette and gave him a small kiss on the cheek to cheer him up, making his eyes light up as he gently touched the spot on his face where you kissed him. "Come on, let's get back to class!" You bounced back up and took his hand, giving him a wink as you dragged him towards the front yard of the school building.

Maybe you did like him back after all..?

[fandom-crazy-lunatic]

Swimming lessons

Summary: when Stark decides to drag the avengers (including Loki) along to a pool party, a rather embarrassing secret is revealed. Loki can’t swim.

Pairing(s): Loki x Reader

Warning(s): uhh not being able to swim (does that count?), fluff, some steamy-ish elements

Characters: Loki, y/n and the avengers

‘Tony, is this really a good idea?’ you grumbled, as he took off his shirt and pants to reveal a pair of fiery-patterned swimming trunks.

‘Is anything I do a good idea? No, but it’s fun,’ Tony replied with a smirk. ‘Now outta those clothes and into the pool, I didn’t buy it for you all to stand on the edge.’ As if to emphasise his point, he ran up to the deep end and dove in, quickly resurfacing.

You shook your head, but before long you and the others were in the water, and having a pretty good time doing it. The only one who wasn't swimming was Loki, who sat on a bench by the side, looking immensely bored. Stark insisted on him coming along, and he couldn't exactly say no, or he'd lose the relative freedom he had from being with the Avengers.

As you swam up and down, occasionally diving under to grab someone's leg or splash their face, you couldn’t help but feel as if you were being watched, but every time you looked back at Loki, he averted his gaze. Typical.

Thor was probably enjoying all of this the most. So much, in fact, that he felt the need to call out, ‘Loki! Why don’t you join us for once?’

Loki glared. ‘And why would I feel the need to do that?’

‘Because it’s fun.’

‘Fun.’ He repeated. ‘Splashing around in chlorinated water is fun, is it?’

‘Yeah, it is, come on in, stabby,’ Natasha teased.

‘Stabby?’

‘Sounds kinda cute,’ you chimed in.

Loki was about to have a full on outraged monologue, but before he could, Thor promptly pulled himself out of the water, lifted Loki up, and tossed him into the deep end.

Tony and Nat burst out laughing. You, however, didn’t, as you saw Loki flailing about under the water. You paused for a second, expecting him to surface, but it seemed pretty clear that that wasn’t about to happen, at least not by itself.

Everyone froze in shock. Loki, god of mischief, the man who nearly took over New York, couldn’t swim?

He looked completely helpless, trapped under the water. You were always the empathetic one. Nobody seemed to be moving to help him, even when you gave them all your best death stare.

You took a deep breath, and swam towards him, pure determination egging you on. You’d always been a strong swimmer, and now was your chance to prove it.

Your arms wrapped around his torso, and you desperately kicked your legs, the water bearing his weight. Spluttering, he clambered out once you had reached the surface, his hair and clothing soaked. You climbed out after him.

‘Well that was...’ Steve started.

‘Something,’ Clint finished. 

You ushered Loki into the changing rooms before he could murder everybody within a five mile radius. You were lucky that he tolerated you— in fact you were the only one that he tolerated— or he might have done something pretty drastic in his humiliation.

‘Thor.. that oaf, what the HEL did he think he was doing? I’ll kill him one of these days..’ he muttered angrily to himself as he paced up and down. You silently prayed that nobody would burst in on you two. He was annoyed enough.

‘Hey,’ you said, in the most soothing voice you could muster. ‘It’s okay.. it’s really not a big—’

‘I was just publicly thrown into a body of water, and my incompetence in that area was on display for EVERYONE to see. Don’t you even try and downplay it.’

‘I’m just saying... we all have stuff we’re bad at.’

Loki had now sat himself on the bench and was staring at one particular floor tile with enough anger to melt an iceberg.

A pause.

‘Do you have spare clothes?’ you asked, rubbing the back of your neck awkwardly.

‘No,’ he clipped.

‘I’d offer mine, but I doubt they’d fit,’ you laughed weakly.

‘Do I look amused?’

You decided it was best to shut up at that point.

***

Three days later, Thor burst into your bedroom.

‘Woah, have you heard of knocking?’

‘Sorry, Y/N. Urgent matter. Have you seen my brother?’

‘Loki? Is he lost?’

‘Apparently so.’

You leap off of your bed, pushing past Thor.

You searched for three hours, shaking and prodding every inanimate object you could find before an idea struck. A very, very, stupid idea, but still possible.

The front glass doors barely had time to open before you were through, and outside.

A mile of running, maybe two, before you were there: the swimming pool you had been to the day before. Your suspicions were confirmed once you burst in.

The sight would have been hilarious if you hadn’t been so worried. Loki, holding on desperately to the side of the pool, looking like a small, trapped animal, kicking his legs with so much force that the floor was flooded.

He was trying to teach himself to swim. It was almost adorable. You’d never thought him to be the type to do that, though. You’d pegged him as the type to run away from his problems and never actually get them fixed.

The moment he noticed you he pulled himself out, glaring, the same angrily humiliated face that he’d worn yesterday.

‘Loki! You idiot, everyone’s looking for you.’ You said, trying not to notice the fact that he was only in his underwear, his soaked dark hair hanging loosely around his angular face, the water making all the lean muscles on his torso shine. You stopped yourself from looking further down.

‘And?’

‘They’re worried.’

‘Not about me.’

‘I was.’

He glanced up at you. You couldn’t quite read his expression.

You were trying so hard to look him in the eyes. ‘Are... are you going to come back?’

‘Not until I want to.’ All his answers were short, impatient. Angry.

Then you did something completely impulsive. You threw your shirt over your head and kicked your jeans down, leaving you in your underwear. Loki looked you up and down, and you went to cover yourself with your arms.

Sliding into the water, you gave him the kindest smile you could muster, swimming towards his side and grabbing his calves. You were in an extremely awkward position, but you tried not to let it show on your face.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘Swimming with you. Come in.’

‘Is this some sort of joke?’

‘Nope. I’m gonna show you how, right here. Just you and me. That’s better than everyone else watching, right? It’ll stop you from humiliating yourself again.’ You regretted saying that last sentence, and expected him to lash out at you, but instead he let you pull him in by his legs.

‘Oh, Norns,’ he muttered, reaching out to the nearest solid object. Which happened to be you.

‘It’s okay, I’m not going to let you drown.’

Your heart was pounding at about a thousand miles an hour. His fucking perfect body was nearly pressing up against you. It didn’t help one bit that neither of you were fully dressed. His breath cooled your skin as he grasped your shoulders for dear life, wide eyes staring up at you. You had to resist giving yourself a shake to stop this self-destructive chain of thought.

‘Right, now, hold on to the edge. Yeah, like that. First you need to learn how to kick your legs properly.’

***

He was a quick learner, you gave him that. Thank goodness for the water hiding most of his body from you or you would have never been able to concentrate. Before long he could propel himself from one side to the other. You gave him your biggest smile and tried to be encouraging, but he dismissed your efforts.

He clambered out, sitting himself on the edge. You went to sit next to him.

‘Well this was..’ you said, not quite sure how to finish your sentence.

‘Pleasant,’ he finished. 

‘I’m sorry? I thought–’

‘You thought wrong. Spending time with you was pleasant.’

You scoffed. ‘Yeah, right.’

‘I mean it. I’ve mentioned before that I found you tolerable, but now I’m willing to admit that I possibly may have some affection for you, mortal.’

You stared down at the water, too awkward to look him in the eyes.

You felt something cold on your hand. Loki’s. He lifted it up to his lips, giving you the softest kiss imaginable. ‘May we do this again sometime?’

‘I’d love to.’

He smiled, warm and sincere at first, morphing into a small smirk. ‘Oh and Y/N?’

You looked up at him.

‘Your clothes are completely soaked through.’

[beann-e]

I made him a jerk , y/n a snappy, unapologetic , quick witted woman and I don’t care. Sorry not sorry. I have no one else to blame for my bad tendencies so, once again sweet men are to blame.

I’ve always felt alone since a young age i’ve always felt that no one was truly there for me. Aside from the fake smiles and tone deaf words of approval I was given for being number in my class. I was only ever seen when I made myself the topic of discussion.

This ideology I created of myself never changed throughout the many milestones i’d jumped over in my life.

Middle school , high school, prom , first date that turned out to be an asshole who just wanted kisses in other places, The first and last homework assignment I decided to stop turning in, college and my stupid excuse to use birth control as a way into people’s pants.

Nothing ever changed still no one cared

No one ever asked me how my day went

no one ever asked me if I ate that day knowing I struggled to stuff just one bite through my clenched teeth at dinner

No one ever asked why I was alone why I decided to stop showing up for school

for events

for life

I was just a ghost. Almost as if a sim character that ran into a wall and got stuck

whoever was in charge of my simulation I have nothing to say but to inform you that this controller has been idle for over 24 years

For years i’ve done nothing but watch , listen and try to understand others

i’ve tried to understand the pain others felt behind spilled hot coffee , behind a bad breakup that left you feeling like you wanted to die , behind you

i’ve never been able to understand you

what’s your pain ? what’s cause you to turn into the person you are now

from early childhood youd done nothing but stare at my back constantly wiping your eyes from all the dirt i’d thrown back at you in my full sprint to the top. You were my number two i’d never say rival because I never thought of you

You weren’t important

you never have been to me

To you it felt as if I was someone of importance that I was someone that held a god like trophy that you so badly wanted.

To me you were nothing more than a 10 year old kid that I watched piss themself in the middle of miss hagens math class.

Conversations and whispers popping up throughout the school year about the 5th grader who pissed themselves in class that one time.

You never told anyone that your mom got slapped in the face by her boyfriend that morning and had no choice but to rush you out the house and to the only place she knew was safe enough for you that day

the only place she knew you wouldn’t have to see any of that again or at least for less 8 hours.

You never told anyone how you’d been so scared the night before to get up and pee because your parents were arguing so loud your dog was left shivering and whimpering in front of you room door.

That because of the loud argument that unfolded behind your closed door you couldn’t get up the energy to go pee in hopes that you barely breathing that night would lessen the pain your mom had to be dealt.

No one knew about the way you’d been holding your bladder for the whole school day meaning you’d been holding in 4 juice packets and a water bottle for well over 10 hours.

Surely no one noticed you reciting in your head almostin a mantra ‘ may I go to the restroom please I’ll make sure to come back in three minutes maam ‘

The idea that was installed in your head from your father at an early age. Your social anxiety causing you to read a simple question as a theatre monologue in your head.

That’s because people don’t care. I know I sure didn’t. I never did.

As I sit and watch your inauguration of a new gaming branch in your multimillion dollar company’s china branch I still don’t.

Fake smiles drawn across your face when you look out into the sea of people careful gaze running over me. Eyes conveying nothing but want.

Want for me to care at least.

But i’ve never been a liar and I won’t start now. I don’t care for you and that’s not without reason. Your just a man child who plays people as pawns. Your nothing more than a twisted child who uses your outward appearances to play games among the hire ups.

fuck don’t smile at me

See I hate it

I hate it

i hate you

I know who you truly are

I do

I know your a manipulative little shit who only wants to show you’re better then everyone else here.

You use and lure people into this false sense of security. Just like everyone else here you almost got m—

“ having fun ? “

“ and if i’m not “

“ I said having fun — not that I expected you too “

Your face screwed up in a look of distaste

“ y’know I hate when you bite the inside of your cheek — it makes the fans come up with weird scenarios stop “

“ why don’t you want them imagining ? hmm isn’t that why your doing this ? mister gamer ? mister empire builder “

“ no i’m doing all this — to provide for the two leeches by my side“

“ i’m so sorry —sorry you feel your son is a leech maybe I should add blood sucking to his upcoming class assignments “ you scoffed “ you know along with how not to kill his father “ you smiled waving to the cameras not too far from you “ for the good of both of us y’know “

“ your shitty mouth will get you no where y/n “

“ oh really because it seems to have gotten me into mister ken and co’s pants— and i’d say that’s “ you waved around at the flickering lights “ quite enough for me “

his eyes and face giving nothing away about your heated discussion “ tell the kid to stop talking to people he’ll screw up “

“ you tell him— don’t you still have to play into the father roll while we’re out “

“ kozura “

your child’s eyes lit up in fear at his surroundings and your husband stone like glare “ how about we take a picture hmm “

your son walking over straight faced on a mission to prevent his father from bad stares and critical comments

Your husband placing his huge hands on your sons shoulders bending to where he was lips right in near your sons ear making it look like he was doing nothing more than kissing the small boy.

“ I told you before we left the house not to talk to anyone here didnt I “

“ you told him not to interfere with daddy’s work if I can remember correctly “

“ your moms a slut don’t listen to her “

“ mommy what’s slut “

“ A slut is a highly motivated person on a mission to end world hunger “

“ oh “ he shook his head up and down the papperazzi way to far to even attempt to listen in on the boys words. “ then is daddy a slut“

“ yes my love daddy’s a slut— a world renowned one at that “ you smiled “ he’s the biggest , most empowering slut you’ll ever meet on this planet y’know my love some might even call him a man whore “

“ enough y/n “

“ why ? is it not enough for you or can you just not keep up with my deep unwant for this family anymore “

“ I swear to god if you — “

“ hi kozumes’ lets get you guys to your seats now !! “ a cheerful male came up behind you two smile beaming from ear to ear.

“ thank you we truly do appreciate the invite “

“ invite? if i’m not mistaken it’s your company Mr.kozume“

A smirk moving across his face swiftly “ huh “

“ I said it’s your company Mr.Kozume we’re just here to support you “

A swift eye dart heading in your direction at the praise hed just received “ thank you — it’s nice for a little bit of respect to be given to those that pave the way for others everynow and then right darling “

“ yes baby i’ll be sure to take notes “

[p4lparker]

Calming Touch, Racing Hearts

You could feel his calm breathing, his chest rising and falling smoothly as he slept soundly. You on the other hand couldn’t get your mind to stop racing- you’d panicked, when it came down to it you were scared. Not of him- or the act, just what it might result in; over the past few days, you couldn’t see how this situation could possibly resolve without one or more of the party being hurt. You cared for both of your boys, deeply. And those feelings had only been more cemented. They were two sides of the same coin.

JJ like a wildfire, that spread through your body like a current of electricity. He was rash, and full of bravado; but that was only to cover the pain he was in, he relied on you and John B for more than friendship. He was beautiful and broken. But he was caring and sweet, loyal to a fault. He was carved by the gods- his eyes the bluest thing you’d seen since the ocean. His smile could light up the darkest of rooms. And he would protect you and John B regardless of the cost to himself. He made you feel safe and loved, in the small things he would do for you; like buying himself Reese’s and then letting you devour them instead as he knew they were your favourites, like when he carried an extra hoodie because you would always get cold and would never bring one yourself, like when he constantly touches you in some way or other whether it’s a hand twirling the ends of your hair or fingers tracing patterns on any exposed skin. You bit your lip as you felt John B pull you closer in his sleep, and the guilt that washed over you felt almost unbearable.

And then there was the boy holding you close to him now. John B was the calm before the storm- where JJ was rash and impulsive, John B was cool and collected. He was just as beautiful as JJ- dark gaze always betraying his emotions, they were always displayed so clearly for all to see. John B was the light to JJ’s dark. He made you feel calm like waves lapping at the shore, being with John B felt like coming home after an adventure. He wore his emotions on his sleeve, and was always tried to what he felt- letting his heart lead him and get him into trouble more times than not. John B was gentle- fingers ghosting over your skin, and he had an obsession with your hands. His fingers playing with the tips of your own or stroking the delicate skin of your wrist.

Your mind was a blur, thoughts about both boys were vying for your attention and your heart. But neither was winning out- whenever you thought about your future all you could see was you and your boys. If you imagined going on a date with one of them- a day dream about the other would pop into your head. And thinking about these boys were driving you to despair. You felt a deep sigh leave you lips, your phone buzzing and chiming beside you- swiping on the screen you saw the weather update, this storm was the tip of the ice berg, there was more to come, much more. You brushed your hair from your face and turned to look at the sleeping boy beneath you, raising a hand an stroking along his cheek softly, watching as his lips quirked into a gentle smile before his eyes opened and his blurry gaze was settled on you.

“Hey you… Guess I fell asleep…”He whispered, his voice rough form sleep, he just looked so soft. Hair even more of a mess than usual, hazel eyes unfocused and droopy and the content smile still tugging at his soft lips. His eyes gazed up at you, and it felt like he as trying to read your mind. “You didn’t sleep though…” He murmured, bushy brows furrowing as he lifted a hand and let his thumb smooth across the frown lines on your forehead and between your own brows. You shook your head and smiled slightly.

“How’d you guess?” You asked, letting your finger tap against his throat in time to the steady beating of his heart and pulse. You watched as his expressive eyes widened slightly and he cleared his throat.

“You always look really cute when you just wake up… you get all soft and pouty… But now you’re all frowny..” He muttered, his own brows slanting downwards to match your own. You raised you brows and painted a smile on your face- before pushing yourself up and off him, and reaching blindly for clothes that were still scattered around the pair of you. Tugging on articles of clothing haphazardly you tossed a shirt and some shorts to him as he stayed laying on his back watching you dress. The clothing landing on his face and he let out an ‘oof ‘ as they landed in a pile. You moved the fabric from his eyes and showed him the weather update.

“We should be getting back to your place.. it’ll need storm proofing..” You stated and continued to shimmy clothes onto your cold body. You could feel the tension settling within your body once more. And you didn’t want to let John B in on your inner monologue- so rushing him to get redressed and hide his tempting body from your greedy eyes. He got dressed- though his gaze never faltered from you, even when you both were situated in the seats up front and he was manoeuvring the Twinkie through the rainy streets; the storm having let up slightly, the thunder and lightning having stopped a short while ago, and the darkness of the evening drawing in. The wet road seemed to stretch on before you for eternity, and the journey to the chateau seemed to take forever and a day- your leg was bouncing as you tried to rid yourself of the nervous energy your body seemed to be storing; you were coming to the realisation that you needed some advice, and that meant Kie. You wondered whether you should reveal all to her or try and keep her mostly in the dark- you swiped and tapped at the screen of your phone- letting Kie know you were on your way to her, now all you needed to do was make a get-away from John B, you wracked your brain as he pulled onto the dirt track drive in front of the chateau. You followed him in to the messy building, stepping over pizza boxes and empty beer cans and bottles. You watched as he paced around slightly, something bothering him- from the frown marring his handsome face to the darkening of his eyes, and the way his hand carded through his curls- it was obvious he had something on his mind, and he was trying to find the words to broach the subject.

“Hey, are we okay?” He blurted, his other hand which wasn’t caught in his curls catching on your wrist and tugging you to him. You nodded and tried to paint a convincing smile on your face. His frown only deepened.

“Look, if its about what happened in the van… It’s fine. Like me and Jay said; this goes at your pace.. what you say goes..” John B murmured as he tugged you closer and let go of his hair before wrapping you up in his arms; face burying in your hair as he dropped a kiss to the crown of your head. You cuddled closer to him and breathed him in, he chuckled lightly- you knew he was right, but you felt almost guilty. You were the one who’d asked him for this, and then suddenly you didn’t want it. You head was a mess as he let you go.

“I’m going to grab a shower… and you are more than welcome to join, like Kie says we need to preserve the planet.. so we should conserve water and all..” He grinned and even gave you a cheeky wink as he stepped backwards in the direction of the bathroom, his fingers trailing down your arm until they were only touching the tips of your own as he stepped further away. You laughed, the joy bubbling in your belly as you pushed him away from you. He scoffed and held a hand to his chest in mock hurt, before shrugging and making his way to the bathroom. You waited until you could hear the shower running before booking it from the chateau and into the darkness. You didn’t hear him calling your name- he’d wandered into the main room and expected to see you on the pull out, but he was on his own, his apology falling into the loneliness of the chateau.

Your feet leading you to the Carrera’s place on auto-pilot, your mind focused on how the next conversation was going to go between you and Kie. You were still undecided as to whether or not you should admit to Pogue- on-Pogue-on-Pogue macking. You clambered up the handy tree outside her window and crawled through the open window, Kie waiting for you sat crossed legged on her bed. Mirroring her- you sat facing her and with one look at your face, she quirked one of her brows at you and waved a hand gesturing for you vent- and with that one motion, it all flooded from you like a river bursting its dam, words flying from your lips so quickly Kie’s head shook and her eyes widened as she tried to keep up.

“I’m doing something and I’m not sure it’s a good idea anymore. But I’m not sure I want to stop, but if I don’t someone could end up hurt..” You stated, hands waving in front of you as you spoke. “I’ve been hooking up.. or rather learning how to hook up with someone, or well two someone’s and I think I have feelings for them both and it’s a mess. But I don’t really want to stop… But then I kinda did today cause when it came time to actually hook upI freaked and told him to stop..”

“Did he? Stop?” She interrupted her hands clasping onto your own, and you froze- brows furrowing. But nodded.

“Of course he did.. its in the rules; at my pace. But I really want to have sex with him and the other guy… but I dunno, I guess I’m scared. Cause I don’t want to get hurt and I can’t bear to think about not having either one of them in my life if it works out with one of them and not the other.. I couldn’t lose either of them ever…” You rambled, barely breathing as the words spewed forth and Kie took them all in- a small smirk resting on her pretty face.

“So how long have you been fucking around with Jay and John B?” she asked, glancing at her nails, pretending to not be bothered. But you gasped, and tried to cover it with a cough.

“What makes you think its them?” You tried tom laugh it off, but the laugh came out nervously, and you may as well be carrying a sign telling her. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

“How long Y/N?” She asked again, not playing along with your bullshit. You sighed and tugged at your head, she shook her head and pulled you around like a rag doll until you sat with your back to her and he was able to get her hands in your hair and begin to braid it- her fingers twisting and turning your hair soothing you.

“Not long… but they’re them. And I can’t stop myself falling under their spell when they make me feel so good. And they’re treating me so well, they go at my pace and when I’m with them- it sounds cheesy, but I feel complete… But I don’t want to hurry anyone. I mean its not like if things work out we can all be together- and I can’t imagine the rest of my life without them in it…” You whispered out, Kie’s fingers tucking strand after strand of your hair around, seemingly being the key to ease you enough to stop your mouth running at the same speed as your mind.

“Who says you can’t? Have you spoken to them about this? Have you even asked them about it?” She asked you, her voice soft in your ear as she continued to braid.

“You’re right… They might not even be interested in me. Like they could just be doing this to help out a friend… so the only person who could get hurt is me… well fuck…” you whined the last part and shook your head, until Kie gave your tresses a sharp tug and tisked.

“Not what I meant, its obvious those boys would literally die for you. I don’t know when it happened- but I’m pretty sure they both love you or are even in love with you..” she stated matter-of-factly. “I meant who says you can’t be with both of them? Nothing has to change between you guys… I mean you’re practically together with them as it is!” She exclaimed, it was you turn to scoff at her- and she gripped your shoulders, making you turn to look at her over your shoulder.

You stayed silent and mulled over her words; and even you couldn’t deny there was some truth ringing through them, when all of this started, it had never been awkward as you imagined it could be, and the euphoria you felt when you were with them was undeniable. You let your mind wander; the boys treated you with the utmost respect. Each showing they cared in their own way. Your heart pattered unevenly as you imagined your life with them both, and maybe Kie had a point, maybe it wouldn’t be all that different to how things were currently? As you were lost in your own mind, Kie had finished twisting your hair into two braids and was tying them off with hair ties. You breathed in deeply, and nodded to yourself.

“So how come I stopped him? Like what if I’m not ready?” you whispered out, the Carrera girl smiled and tugged on one of your braids.

“You’re ready, when you’re ready. It’s up to you and you said yourself he respected that when you asked him to stop… and its in your rules. You set the pace remember?” Kie stated holding your hand in her own and squeezing gently. You bit your lip and smiled at her, before dropping a kiss to her cheek and thanking her as you made your way back out of her window and into the heavy rain. You’d made up your mind, you wanted John B and JJ. And you needed to show them that, you would start with John B. So you made your way back to the chateau- the rain soon soaking you as your walk-jog to his place seemed to last a lifetime. Streets passing in a blur as the rain trickled into your eyes. When you finally made your way to the chateau, you felt like you were in a cheesy romcom scene; running to admit your love for the main character- slowing your pace even more and letting the rain truly soak you, you tried the shake the cliché from yourself as you entered the ramshackle home- no knocking necessary as the door was never locked to any of you, this place was as much your home as his. And there he was sprawled on the pull out, scrolling mindlessly on his phone as the tv played in the background, beer abandoned on the floor beside him and a half eaten pizza accompanying it. When you barged through the door, he shot up- eyes wide as he took in your drenched form.

“Y/N.. what the..?” he started as you took steps towards him, throwing your arms around his neck and pressing your soggy self against him as your lips found his. The kiss wasn’t rushed, it was passionate- it had that familiar languid pace which as John B entirely. His hands found their way to your cheeks and he cradled your face between them, his plush lips caressing your own, as his breathing became more laboured as the kiss continued until he could take it no longer and reluctantly pulled away from your lips- your lips soon missing the pressure of his and went searching for them.

“Not that I’m complaining, like at all, but what the hell are you doing coming here in this weather?” he whispered, not trusting his voice just yet- as his forehead rest against your own. His breath fanning across your face, as you panted lightly.

“I needed to see you. I ditched you and ran away from you like a little bitch cause I was scared… But I’m not scared anymore and I want you.. I want you to teach me my next lesson!” You stated softly, surging forwards and meeting his lips with your own once more. Your tongue traced over his bottom lip seeking entrance- and that was when he pulled away again, making you sigh in frustration.

“Are you sure?” He asked, eyes searching your own as he held your face delicately between his large hands. You rolled your eyes but smiled at the same time.

“At my pace right? Well this is me setting the pace… so take me to your bedroom and teach me Routledge…” You whispered, staring into his dark gaze as his eyes widened slightly- his mouth dropping open slightly.

“Yes Ma’am…” He murmured against your lips as his hands dropped from your face to grip your own and lead you through the house- he stumbled slightly every couple of steps as he was not only walking backwards but also connected to your lips and with his eyes closed, it was a minor miracle you both made it to his room without serious injury- instead the journey was filled with giggles muffled by kisses. Once in his room, his kisses became more- tongues tangling and teeth nipping, bottom lips were sucked and breathing began to race as fast the hearts beating within your chests. Your hands wandered him; tracing over the muscles of his shoulders, his biceps, his chest- the pounding of his heart underneath your palm, his abs- stomach tensing and twitching at the ticklish contact before settling on his waist and pulling him closer- so the entirety of your soaked front was pressed against his shirtless one. Goose bumps raising on expanse of you both. His lips met the corner of yours before venturing downwards and meeting the sensitive flesh of your neck- leaving wet kisses, his tongue flicking out before his teeth nibbled into the skin making sure to leave a faint ache there as a mark was delivered. He let his hands drift to your hips and tugged on the drenched and borrowed t-shirt you were wearing- he struggled to pull it up your body, the sopping material clinging to every part of you- it getting stuck on your head and made the pair of you split from each other as you worked in tandem to rid you of the shirt. You both laughed victoriously as the offensive fabric was tossed carelessly across the room as far away from you as possible. John B brushed some of the baby hairs- which had fallen loose from your braids during the struggle- before his fingers dug their way through the tangled tresses and pulled your lips needily against his own. He began to move you backwards until the back of your knees met the soft edge od his bed- he leaned into you until you tumbled back, him following and landing atop you.

Your kisses travelled along his pouty lips and chiselled jaw to his tanned neck, gentle and tickling kisses being left there. His fingers traced along the edge of the bra covering you from him, tips dipping below a cup and teasing your already hardened nipples- smoothing over it before flicking at it- causing it to harden more, his clothed hips thrusting against you own as the needy whine left your throat. His finger traced lower the calloused pads tickling against your stomach making giggles erupt from you and vibrate against him. his hand cupping and rubbing against you clothed core- leaving you wondering whether your panties were wet from the rain or the arousal coursing through you. His deft fingers found the button and the zipper on your shorts- undoing them both and moving to wriggle the sodden material down your hips and thighs before being removed from you entirely. One of his skilled hands found its way to your cloth covered core and began teasing you through the material as his lips claimed your own once more. His fingers tracing up and down you still covered slit- moving to rub figure eights onto you clothed clit- eliciting the most delicious moan he’d ever heard from you, continuing their ministrations the tips of his other fingers tugged the saturated material to the side before they ventured within your drenched folds. At the contact a high pitched whine echoed around you. His lips left yours to nip at your chest, chin nudging the cup of your bra out of his way as his plush lips captured your hardened peak- laving it with attention, his hand left your core the slide behind you and undo the irritating fabric, pulling it from your body and taking his time to marvel at you.

His fingers swiftly returned to your hips, tugging on the band of your underwear and pulling them too from your body, leaving you completely bare before him- making you skin heat in a flush that made him groan and bury his head in your neck marking up your pretty skin. Trailing his lips further down until they met the skin just under your breast- he let his attentions focus there as he left a more prominent mark, which wouldn’t be easily hidden in your usual summer attire and activities. His fingers moved between your slick folds, doing the most sinful of things- building you up, winding the coil deep within you belly tighter and tighter- your release so close, but just out of reach making you whine out frustratedly. John B chuckled huskily as his lips found yours again, his tongue working it’s way in to your mouth once more, teasing yours in a similar fashion to that of his fingers. And as he plunged his middle and ring finger within your slick entrance and began pumping with purpose you felt yourself teeter over the edge and the knot within you snapped with a high pitched keen- which was muffled by his pouty lips. his fingers pumped within you lazily- coaxing you through your high, as you hand began to wander down the expanse of him once more. One palm grazing against the prominent bulge within the confines of his shorts- you rubbed against him as he huffed out air and moaned in your ear- as his head fell to your shoulder. His reaction to your hands movements spurring you to unbutton and unzip him; before reaching into the tight fabric and meeting the soft flesh beneath, pulling a gasp from you at his lack of underwear. He pulled your hand from him, before kissing you swiftly on the lips once more before moving himself from you and tugging his shorts from his body- leaving him bare before your greedy gaze. He sprang free- the russet tip leaking, the slit glistening in the low lighting of the dark room- it was silent, barring your panting breaths and pounding hearts. You reached a hand towards him once more, but his hands clasped onto your wrists before you could make contact.

“Are you sure? We can stop now if you like…” He asked, dark gaze locked on yours- eyes searching for a response, you just smiled and nodded your head before cradling his chin and pulling his kiss swollen lips towards your own in a gentle kiss. When you parted, he puffed out the breath he had been holding and turned to his bedside table, delving a hand within and retrieving the small foil packet. He held it up for you to see, and you reached forward and took it from his hand- holding it within your sweaty one. You ripped the packaging open and proceeded to pull the protection from its confines, before manoeuvring it to roll onto his awaiting member, rolling down his length and pumping him a couple of times before kissing his lips gently once more. you then moved to lay back on the bead- head resting against the pillows that smelled of him, your heart racing with anticipation as his fingers delved within you once more- gathering some of your slick and coating himself with it, letting his fingers linger and tease you for a short time before sliding himself up and ontop of you, his hips nestling between your spread legs, his weight being supported by one of his strong arms beside your head as the other hand laved your most intimate area with attention- his lips seeking your own in a searing kiss as he began to push into you. You hissed at the feeling, it wasn’t necessarily painful, but it was kind of uncomfortable- it was a strange feeling to be connected with him, as you felt full almost complete as he pushed further into you. His lips leaving your to pepper soft kisses around your face and neck, before he buried his head in the crook of your neck as he bottomed out within. He fought the urge to begin moving before you were ready, waiting for you to tilt your hips to urge him on. And once he had that confirmation, he pulled back agonisingly slowly before pushing back in at the same pace. He slid within you easily, your slick coating him, and your thighs as he moved at a languid pace.

Your moan loud in his ear as you became accustomed to surrounding him in the most intimate of ways, urging him to move faster- his hips surging forwards and retreating at a quicker pace as his own moans flooded the room. A giggle escaping you as you felt yourself succumb to the pleasure and dig your nails into the tan flesh of his back, leaving a white trail as you dragged them down before they met the curve of his ass. Your hands resting there and then grabbing a cheek in each hand and pushing him closer to you. John B got the message and whined out as his hips began a punishing rhythm, his hips slapping against your own- skin meeting skin and lips meeting lips as he climbed closer to his peak. He was reaching his end, but he knew you were nowhere near, and so he tried to hold himself back, but the warm, welcoming tightness encompassing him was too much, his rhythm faltered and his hips moved erratically as he reached the peak.

“Y/N..”was groaned sinfully in your ear as he emptied into the protection. You stroked your hands down his back and hair as he calmed from the high. His spent body collapsing atop your own. His weight a comfort as your calming touch tried to ease your racing hearts. All too soon he was sliding himself from you with a sickening squelching sound, he slide down your body and you leaned yourself up onto your elbows curiously as you watched him bury his head between your thighs, and as his tongue met your sensitive and slick flesh a gasp left your kiss-swollen lips. He licked along your lower lips. He then dove in- tongue tasting you- licking and caressing you the way his lips had done elsewhere. Your breathing becoming laboured at the sensations on your already stimulated core. He focused lips on your sensitive nub, lips closing around it and suckling gently making you whine. His lips and tongue worked you as if telling your core the most salacious secrets, you were reaching your end. The familiar tightening in your belly becoming almost too much to bear as your legs went numb, a truly sinful noise leaving your delicate lips- almost had him hardening at the sound. He let his tongue and lips clean you of your juices before his head reappeared from the depths of your thighs. His plush lips and chin glistening with the evidence of your orgasm. He wiped at his chin with he back of his hand- but left the slick on his lips as he met yours in a sordid kiss; letting you taste yourself on him, to him you were the sweetest nectar, and he wanted to share it with you. As your lazy kisses became pecks- he pushed himself away from you, moving around the room, he discarded of the used condom in the small trash bin near the door- before leaving the room, and as you watched his back move away from you. A panic settled within your chest- as your mind replayed the image of him walking away from you in your minds eye, until his smiling face re-entered the bedroom his hands holding a washcloth, which he used to clean you sensitive core properly. Before tossing it away into some unknown corner of the room- he then jumped onto the bouncy bed beside you and laid back. Wrapping his arms around your shoulders he tugged you to lay atop him, your ear pressed to his chest. And he kissed you gently; your forehead, your cheeks, your eyelids, your nose, your jaw and then finally your lips. the kiss was soft- but was full of the emotions John B was bursting to tell you, but couldn’t, not yet. So for now the gentle kiss sufficed, as the two of your succumbed to a peaceful sleep.

[bread-bird-writes]

oh my god I just realized you’re THAT bread_bird. it’s an honor!! anyway for the ask game: 2, 3, 4, 11, 15 (Seeing Ghosts), 27, 30, 32, 44?

AAAA HI I CAN’T FOLLOW PEOPLE IN A SIDE BLOG 😭😭😭 FREAKIN STOKED ABT THIS THO YOU’RE SO COOL

I have never done one of these so here goes:

2. Usually, one day is a writing day and one day is a reading day. Writing’s all-consuming for me, so I probably end up writing more than I read, but I’ve cleared entire tags before by pure accident.

3. Gosh, any fic that I really like or emotionally effects me really pushes me into that mood. Things will spur me into action and remind me that, hey! Maybe I should be writing! Fic in generally really gets me, y’know?

4. FUCK- HEY WAIT- I have a favorite fic/few fics picked out for every single fandom I’ve ever written for, and then some. It’s INSANELY difficult to pick for some fandoms, mostly Sonic and Danganronpa, so here’s a couple that are my undisputed favorites from the fandoms they’re from! ‘Untouchable’ by pollutedstar, ‘Amaranthus’ by Archadian_Skies, and ‘All’s Fair in Love and War’ by AEpixie7.

11. Very rarely do I put actual thought into them. I’ll plunk a line from the middle of the story into the title box and call it a day, unless I previously had some sort of wild, insane moment of clarity and had a good idea for a title.

15. AW THAT’S SO NICE- my personal favorite is actually my least read fic, The Corn and His Deer. It’s based off of an eight-minute clip from The October Monologues done by the Faceless Old Woman in Welcome to Night Vale, and I wrote the whole thing on one plane ride. I had to type in the character tag manually. I adore it, that one was all for me.

27. I like to try! I’ll tag stuff, of course, and in my longer works, I really do need to get better about marking which chapters are upsetting or sexual. I mark the sexual ones well, but sometimes I forget that something I was completely neutral about when I wrote it could upset someone. Certain stuff ALWAYS gets tagged, though, as long as I remember I put it in there. People are always welcome to ask me to tag something or to point out that I forgot a wanting, and I’ll definitely fix it!

30. I’d like to let you know that I started working on this at way too early of an hour where I am, and for this bullet, I just put down ‘No! Ratio!’ I have a couple fics I could do this for, but this is the one I know will be finished soon-ish. So. Anyway. Here’s the bit!

Calmly, carefully, Stone got back into the car, drove to the nearby lake, and hurled his phone into it as hard as he possibly could.

He stopped. Waited. Realized that it was both waterproof and essential, unique tech, tech that was now sitting at the bottom of Green Hills’ most possible lake. It could wash up onshore at any time.

Thirty minutes later, he dragged himself out of the lake, phone in hand, and climbed back into the car. By two in the morning, Stone finally collapsed into bed, still soaked and reeking of lake water. (Some stuff cut for plot reasons don’t worry about it)

Two hours after that, his alarm went off. He really needed to make better choices on his sleeping habits, he decided, or at least the habits that included jumping into a lake and having to rush a shower before he resumed his old life for the first time in 250 days.

32. I promise you that I tried; it led to me staring blankly at my AO3 page for twenty minutes. So! In exchange, I can tell you my three favorite (posted) scenes I’ve written even though that changes with the wind, which would be the hypothermia scene from Total Apathy, the epilogue from Proximal Development, and the scene of Mondo and Taka watching trial 3 in Everybody Wants to Rule the World.

44. Okay, so I’m American, right? That’s probably pretty obvious, I’ve written a marching band AU, for god’s sake, but why is Google docs so insistent on keeping me in my lane? Sometimes, British English has better spellings. When I write a word like ‘traveling’ and spell it with the British spelling, two L’s, who cares? Why is that any of their business? Grey is clearly the superior spelling between grey and gray! Those convey two different things! I’ll spell ‘color’ like ‘colourgh’ for all I care! Language is fake and we made it up for notes! Also, Times New Roman sure is a font, so is Arial, but I think everybody deserves to have a fun little font to write in, even if it’s effectively the same as those, specifically to have a favorite font. It adds character.

[write-r-die]

Prisoner - Part 13

February, 1067

Henry Cavill is a respected Norman baron who has been tasked with finding Lady Thomasin, an ill-tempered Saxon noblewoman, and returning her to London so the king can marry her off to a cruel Norman invader. The two grow close during the long journey, and Henry puts his own life in danger (more than once) to protect the woman he loves.

Masterlist

Thomasin was horribly ill in the morning due to the combination of her courses, sleeplessness, and anxiety. Etheldreda summoned Elaine without needing to be asked. 

“Are you often like this in the early days of your time?” Etheldreda asked when she was sure Thomasin was, for the moment, finished vomiting in a bucket.

“Not often, thank God,” Thomasin croaked. 

There was a knock at the door. A moment later, a very small Elaine came rushing in. 

“Mercia is with me,” Elaine said, following after her miniature. “I hope you don’t mind.”

The little girl looked very much like her mother. Her curly blonde hair was light but still a shade or two darker than Elaine’s straight, pale tresses.

Thomasin did mind but she wasn’t in a place to object.

Elaine removed her satchel and unpacked its contents: around a dozen small jars filled with herbs and flowers. She set a small cauldron of water over the hearth to heat while she muddled peppermint, ginger, and herbs Thomasin did not recognize into a goblet.

The child parked herself beside Thomasin’s bed. “This my doll,” the child said proudly. “Her name Batty.”

“She’s very pretty,” Thomasin said. “Did your mother make her for you?”

“No. It’s present.”

“A gesture of good will from the queen,” Elaine said from the hearth. “It used to belong to one of her daughters.”

“I make her dress. See?” She shoved the poppet straight into Thomasin’s face so she could get a good look at its wrapping. 

“Very pretty,” Thomasin said, carefully pushing it away. It had an odd smell to it. Lavender, Thomasin thought, and perhaps milfoil.

Elaine finished ladling hot water into the goblet of herbs and brought it to Thomasin. “You must wait a little before drinking this.”

“How long?”

“Until the water turns brown.”

Thomasin frowned. “Lovely.”

“You sick?” The child climbed onto the bed beside Thomasin. Thank God Etheldreda had already changed the bedding.

“A little.”

Mercia leaned forward like she was sharing a secret. “Is it lady sickness?”

“Mercia,” Elaine called. “Stop bothering Lady Thomasin. She has to drink her potion and prepare for the day.” She gestured at Thomasin to start drinking. 

The hot, murky water smelled and tasted considerably better than Thomasin had anticipated, but she would never admit that. She made a face as she drained the cup.

Mercia took the liberty of scooching closer to Thomasin and crossed her little legs. “You got castle?” Mercia asked.

Thomasin looked to Elaine, silently willing the woman to shut her daughter up, but she was back to meddling with her herbs by the fire. “Not anymore.”

“I not have castle,” Mercia said comfortingly. “You have horses?”

“My family had some, yes.” She was without a horse of her own since her mare’s death the year before.

“Not anymore?”

“Not anymore,” Thomasin confirmed.

“I not have horse. You got –”

“Etheldreda, I think perhaps I might bathe. Could you send for a tub? The hot water unknots my muscles.” Thomasin was planning a veritable monologue – as long as she was talking, the child was not – but Mercia had already lost interest in Thomasin.

She crouched beside her mother by the fireplace and plucked dried leaves and flowers from Elaine’s many jars which she then ate.

“A note, milady,” Etheldreda said. She handed the paper over to Thomasin. Thomasin tore it open, expecting something from Henry. It was not. “Are you still ill, Lady Thomasin?” Etheldreda asked.

“It’s from Lawrence,” Thomasin said. All three women fell silent; Mercia tugged at her mother’s hand in a soundless demand for protection and an explanation. “Perhaps I am still unwell.” Thomasin settled back into the pillows.

“What does it say?” Elaine asked.

“He would like to walk with me in the gardens.”

“In Heaven’s name, why?” asked Etheldreda.

“I’m supposed to marry him.”

Mercia wasn’t totally sure what was happening, but the toddler knew how to distract everyone from their problems. Something she heard from Henry and Simon when she caught them by surprise once.

 “Goddamn it!”

*

Thomasin shouldn’t be surprised that Lawrence expected to spend time with her, since they were, after all, engaged.

She supposed she should be pleased in some way. Or that she would be pleased if she were really going to marry him. He was handsome – or would be, if he weren’t directly compared to Henry. He was long-limbed and slim, a combination which made him look foxlike and sly. He was about Henry’s age, which put him somewhere in his early thirties, at least ten years older than Thomasin if not more.

It was a small age gap by most standards; most women wed by sixteen to men at least twice their age, often far more. Justina’s husband was nineteen or twenty years her senior.

As for Lawrence’s personality . . . 

Thomasin originally imagined Lawrence to be the sort of man who took joy in chaos and death. Instead, he was reportedly the sort not to find joy in anything at all. According to Elaine, he wasn’t the angry type either. Indeed, he seemed rather disinterested in general. 

The snow had started to melt, so Lawrence suggested a walk through the garden. They had no chaperone, but there were at least a dozen others walking along the paths. Etheldreda had altered Thomasin’s borrowed clothes so thankfully she didn’t get mud on the hem of her skirts.

The conversation was bland, to say the least, until Thomasin grew tired of being polite.

“I’ve heard the stories about you,” Thomasin finally said. “How you killed that baron’s wife and daughters. How you let your men rape the servants.”

Lawrence took a deep breath and shut his eyes, summoning his every ounce of patience. “My lady, that is what soldiers do in war. The reason most of these men came from Normandy in the first place was to enjoy the spoils of war. More often than not, those spoils are women.” He took another deep breath and went on walking. “I tell you truthfully, I’ve never had a girl against her will. That’s more than I can say for most of these other barons.”

“Indeed,” Thomasin said again.

“Does it surprise you to hear that most of the men here at court have raped defeated women?”

“No.” Thomasin wasn’t a fool, but she didn’t like thinking about that sort of thing. “But not all of them. Henry and his brothers haven’t. Roger hasn’t.”

Lawrence snorted. “Roger’s perversion sways him from women to men, and the Cavills are an anomaly.” 

Thomasin had no idea what the first part meant but she agreed with the second. 

“Henry cares for you deeply,” he said after a moment, tone perfectly conversational. “Tis a pity, that. His family are the most honorable men in Normandy if not the world, but I fear he’s a fool.”

“Why are we speaking of Henry?”

Lawrence stopped walking and raised an eyebrow at her. “Don’t insult my intelligence.”

Thomasin straightened up. “All right. What’s your point, then?”

“I’m sure the two of you will cook up some plot to overthrow me so that Henry can take my place as your intended. Frankly, I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”

Thomasin made a face which she couldn’t hide. “Then why not just release me and let me marry him?” Her words dripped with judgment at his stupidity

“The king gave you to me, not him. He would be insulted if I gave you up for no reason. Besides, you are the sort that I want.”

“The sort,” she repeated. 

“You are beautiful, self-possessed, intelligent, strong. And you speak your mind, which i think saves a great deal of time.” He shrugged. “It’s a sound match.”

Had he just complimented her? The words were kind but his tone was so detached it felt more like an insult. 

Thomasin had the thought that maybe she should hold her tongue. Maybe she shouldn’t say what she wanted to. But she did “How sound was your last match?”

His ears went so red that Thomasin thought they might burst.

“There you are!” Elaine said, feigning relief. She conveniently appeared from a bend in the garden path. “I was looking for you.” She folded Thomasin’s arm into her own. “We must get you back to bed or I fear your promenade will be spoiled with sick. Do you mind terribly, Baron, if I take Lady Thomasin back to her chambers for some much-needed rest?”

“By all means,” he said - in a similarly sarcastic tone to the one Thomasin often used. “I’m due to visit your Saxon brethren in their dungeon anyway. I’ll be sure to give them your best.” He smiled and bowed. “Ladies.”

The women curtseyed and muttered farewells.

“Did you hear him?” Thomasin hissed when he was out of earshot. “He mentioned the Saxons.”

“I heard him,” Elaine said tersely. 

“Shouldn’t they have been executed by now?” asked Thomasin.

“One of the men told me that William is reluctant. They’re fine warriors, supposedly. The king would rather have their loyalty than their heads.”

Thomasin sighed. “Little chance of that.”

**

Henry was among the best warriors under William’s command. He was without a doubt a finer warrior than Lawrence, but he was still vulnerable because he adhered to a code of honor that Lawrence did not. Lawrence’s ruthlessness and detachment made him highly effective, though, and Henry would not make the mistake of underestimating him. 

There was a large stone courtyard between the castle itself and the wall William was building around it to make it into another bailey. Henry joined Roger, Charlie, and most of their men to train. Knights were expected to keep their skills sharp and were therefore expected to practice their skills, so it wasn’t strange for him to be there. No one suspected he was training for a duel, or if they did, they were quiet about it. 

Henry was barely out of the castle before a little voice called his name,

“Henry!” 

He turned around just in time to see Mercia, Elaine’s daughter, crash into his solid legs. He barely had time to maneuver so that she wouldn’t run smack into his scabbard.

“Ah, Mercia!” he said brightly, hoisting the girl into his arms. “You must be careful running. You could’ve gone straight into my sword and be chopped in half!”

“I careful,” she said. “I not cut in half. See?” She opened her arms as if to show him she was whole.

“And what about Batty?” Henry asked, nodding to the doll in her hand. “Is she as careful as you are?”

“Batty not a person, Henry. She not need be careful.”

“Ah, of course! That’s why she won’t talk to me!”

In fact, Batty didn’t interact with Henry because of an unfortunate incident in which Kal thought the poppet belonged to him and nearly tore it to shreds. Mercia had yet to forgive the dog. Her mother repaired the doll as best as she could, though it still bore the marks of its ordeal. Elaine was clever enough to replace some of the lost stuffing with the same herbs she used to treat people with similar wounds. It was Simon’s idea to add lavender to it to help the child relax.

“Where Simon?” Mercia asked.

Simon was Mercia’s dearest companion and she was his. He often referred to the girl as his own small angel, and sometimes asked her where her wings had gone.

Henry would’ve gladly been her playmate, ready for a footrace or a game at a moment’s notice, if his older brother had not asserted himself in that role. Simon’s special relationship with her daughter kindled Elaine’s affections for him until they mirrored his own admiration and tenderness for the healer. 

Simon, like Henry, longed for the joy and companionship of a wife and family, though his desire was even greater than his brother’s.

Charlie, too, wanted a family of his own, but he would not admit such a thing aloud. He could be prickly and cold to those he disliked while charming, funny, and kind to those he did. He often made up his mind about people quite quickly, and once his opinion was formed it was difficult to change. Such was the case with Thomasin.

“Simon is still in the north, at the castle I told you about,” Henry said to the little girl. “I know he would rather be here playing with you.”

“He coming back?” 

“Soon.”

She frowned. “I miss him. He my friend.”

“Am I not your friend, too?” Henry said with false sadness.

“Yeah, you my friend but you not best friend like Simon.”

Henry sighed theatrically. “I suppose I understand.” He looked around but there was no sign of Elaine, only a handful of serving women pinning wet clothes on a line. “Where’s your mother?”

“She with Lady Thomasin.”

Henry broke into a smile at the sound of her name. He always did. “You’ve met Tom?”

The child frowned again. “Who Tom?”

“It’s a name I call Thomasin.”

“Tom is name for boys. Thomasin not a boy,” she explained patiently.

“Of course, of course. Please forgive me.”

“I forgive,” she said, patting his shoulder.

Henry chuckled. “Is your mother friends with Tom? Thomasin,” he corrected.

“Yeah but they not play today. Thomasin not feel good.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

Mercia motioned for Henry to bring his ear closer so she could whisper to him. “Lady sickness.” She pulled away. “Mama say not to talk about it cause it a secret. Cannot tell!”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Henry promised. He was quietly relieved to hear it was nothing serious, but he frowned over it. Was she really sick, he wondered, or had her engagement to Lawrence prompted her to withdraw from court life?

“Thomasin pretty,” Mercia said.

“Very pretty,” Henry agreed.

“I like her hair.” The little girl started wiggling, a silent signal for Henry to set her down. “She sad though cause she gotta marry Lawrence. Lawrence really scary. And it a bad thing so I say, ‘Goddamn it!’” She shouted the curse; a female servant nearby looked shocked and horrified at the sound.

“Shh!” Henry said, putting his finger to his lips. “Who said that in front of you? Where did you hear it?”

“You say it. When Kal sneaked up on you and barked. You jump and you say, ‘Goddamn it!’”

“Shh!” Henry said again. “You mustn’t say that.”

“Cause why?”

Henry didn’t have a good reason handy. “Ask Simon when he gets back.”

“Why you not tell me?” she asked, sticking out her lower lip in a pout.

“Because I’m not your best friend.”

Henry went for two rounds with Roger, winning both. He then sparred with his squire, since it was his responsibility to train the boy, but he lacked the patience for it today. “Practice your footwork before next time, Jamie. It’s too easy to knock you on your arse.”

“We have an audience,” Roger murmured, nodding to a small, barred window at the base of the castle that looked in on the dungeon. A red-bearded face was just visible through the iron grate. One of the Saxon prisoners, no doubt.

“Can I be of service, sir?” Roger called out. He was courteous by nature, but he became excessively so when speaking to a handsome man – even if that man was in chains.

“Are you preparing for a fight?” the man asked. 

Henry opened his mouth to tell the Saxon that it was none of his business, but Roger answered instead. “Aye.”

“What are you fighting over?”

“What do you care?” Henry said. The Saxon shrugged. “A woman,” Henry finally said.

The Saxon didn’t approve. “One woman is just as good as another. It is no great tragedy to lose one to another man. Certainly not worth dying over.”

Henry though the Saxon must not have known many women in his life if he thought they were all interchangeable. But fair number of men, Saxon and Norman alike, shared his sentiment: So long as she ran the household and gave birth to sons, a woman was a woman, and her personality was of little consequence.

“I disagree,” said Henry. 

“Then she must be the kindest, most loving woman in all of Christendom if you’re willing to die for her,” the Saxon remarked.

Roger smirked. He spoke low enough that only Henry could hear when he said, “She most certainly is not.” Henry shot him a look which he pretended not to say. “What’s your name, Saxon?”

The Saxon sucked his teeth and narrowed his eyes in thought but did not reply.

“I’m Baron Roger,” Roger said. “This is Henry, my brother-by-law. And you are?” he prompted when the Saxon didn’t respond.

The Saxon replied, “Cerdic.”

**

One of the squires came around with a note from Henry when Thomasin was readying for dinner. It told Thomasin to come to the servant’s corridor at once. She hurried to finish preparing and went straight to the meeting spot.

“Henry?” she whispered, tiptoeing through the silent hall.

“No.”

Thomasin’s hand flew to her chest in surprise; her fist closed around Henry’s ring. “Charlie,” she gasped. She took a deep breath. “You nearly frightened the life out of me.”

Charlie did not look even the least bit contrite. In fact, he looked murderous. “You can’t let Henry get himself killed for you.”

Straight into arguing, then, Thomasin thought. A gentleman of Charlie’s pedigree ought to feign civility before starting trouble, at least in the beginning of the conversation.

“Do you think I want that? That I’m happy to have Henry risk his life?” Thomasin snapped. “Do you think I haven’t tried to reason with him?”

“You must try harder.”

“I must do nothing of the sort.” Thomasin agreed with his sentiment, but the way he spoke to her made her see red. “You try to reason with him! You’re his brother.”

“I have tried,” he growled, each word as sharp as a razor. “He’s determined to kill himself for you.”

Thomasin was ready to murder Charlie. It was a long time coming. “It’s not my fault that Henry fell in love with me,” she snapped. And that was true, wasn’t it? She hadn’t encouraged his affection, at least not at first. Had she? “I can’t control what he does. Go on hating me if you like, but it won’t change anything for anyone.”

“There’s another way.” Charlie swallowed his discomfort. “If you invite him to share your–”

Thomasin shook her head. “I’ve tried that,” she said, blushing all the way to her hairline. “He won’t. He’s too damn honorable for it.”

“Well you don’t need him to now if it’s already been done,” said Charlie.

“I don’t follow.”

Charlie fought the urge to roll his eyes. “I know about that night at the pond, just before you were injured.”

She shouldn’t be surprised to hear that he knew; they hadn’t exactly been subtle. But Charlie assumed too much. 

Thomasin took a deep breath and ignored the feeling of blood rushing into her cheeks. “Henry and I didn’t . . .”

Charlie shut his eyes and tried to be delicate. “Madam, you were unclothed –”

“He didn’t bed me,” Thomasin said strongly. A moment later, she added, “Not quite.”

“It doesn’t matter. Just tell the king you are not virtuous; you’ll be released from your betrothal without getting my brother slaughtered.”

Thomasin exhaled through her nose. “I’ve considered this course of action,” she confessed. “But it seems unwise to lie to the king, especially for a Saxon. Besides, Lawrence might demand proof. They’ll know I’m lying if they examine me.”

Charlie believed his brother was too fine a man to take advantage of Thomasin, but he was a bit surprised that she was a virgin – or claimed to be, at least. She didn’t possess many virtues that he was aware of, and he hadn’t expected chastity to be one of them.

“It won’t come to that. Some of the men will attest to what they saw that night in the camp.”

Some of the men? Good Lord, how many of them had seen her and Henry together? The fact that any man had seen them meant the whole group knew what happened; gossip spread through camps like wildfire through a dry forest.

Good. Wonderful. Now she was a shrew and a whore.

Charlie was calmer now but his gaze stayed sharp. “My brother loves you. He says it and shows it all the time.”

Thomasin’s throat tightened. “I know.” There was never a doubt in her mind about it. She had the love of a good man. Not many women could say that.

“Yet I’ve never heard you say you love him. I’ve never seen you show it,” he continued. “I won’t let him die for a woman who doesn’t love him back.”

He was right.

She didn’t love him. She couldn’t.

It would betray the promise she made the night her father died never to forgive the invaders that stole her life away. That promise and the anger and pain beneath it were all Thomasin had left of her old self. She doubted she’d ever see any of her siblings again, or her home. That promise was her quiet rebellion against a change she could not fight.

She was allowed to feel tenderness for him, even affection, but she could not love him.

“You don’t know a damned thing about what I feel,” she snarled. She could hardly contain her fury; her whole body shook with the urge to lash out at Charlie and the difficulty of controlling it.

“Perhaps I don’t,” Charlie said. “But don’t allow a good man get killed for nothing.”

Thomasin’s throat was suddenly dry and tight and sore. “I won’t.”

[alwaysmychoices]

Retirement Talks

Synopsis: Charlie decides to return to Edenbrook to meet Kyra for lunch, but little did she know that a scandal has rocked the hospital. During lunch, secrets on all sides are revealed - some of which make Charlie question if she should leave medicine altogether. 

Chapter 25 of the “with and without” series

Previous Series: “a weekend with dr. ramsey”

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x MC (Charlotte “Charlie” Greene)

Words: 5.8k

Rating: Teen 

Also available on AO3 & Wattpad (link in Masterlist)

Charlie was back in Edenbrook.

Not by her own desire, of course.

It was her therapist’s idea. She thought visiting Edenbrook would help Charlie so she could see it without the looming threat of a bioterrorist attack or meeting Ethan’s estranged mother. Her therapist hoped that it would ease Charlie’s anxiety and show her that Edenbrook really was just a building at the end of the day.

Not some evil place full of death and destruction. Even if it housed her most painful memories, those were just memories. She couldn’t fault the building itself.

She needed to stop fearing Edenbrook. If she didn’t, she could never return to Edenbrook.

Those were easy things to say – very appealing in its rationality.

But if it was just a building, it was a building haunted. The halls were lined with ghosts of memories long gone, seemingly forgotten by all but Charlie. All the hope and innocence she saw on her first day was replaced with stinging bitterness. She was afraid of what Edenbrook would take from her next.

She didn’t want to be here.

She probably would have left if she hadn’t made lunch plans with Kyra – who, of course, was late.

It had already been fifteen minutes since they’d initially planned to meet, and Charlie saw no sign of Kyra showing up any time soon. Charlie initially waited in the lobby, but after a text from Kyra that said she was stuck in an emergency staff meeting, Charlie moved to Kyra’s office to wait in privacy.

It was easier to wait there. Charlie had very few memories in the administrative wing of the hospital – even fewer negative ones. There were also fewer onlookers in Kyra’s office, and Charlie didn’t want to be stared at. Besides, Kyra kept snacks in her desk, and Charlie was starving.

This wasn’t the first time Charlie had stolen from Kyra’s snack drawer, so when she walked in, she knew exactly where it was.  A few months ago, lunches like these were regular occurrences. Then secrets – primarily Charlie’s relationship with Ethan – started to separate her from her friends, little by little. Most of her spare time was taken from her friends and immediately dedicated to the intoxicating and less than honorable pursuit of falling in love with Ethan Ramsey.

Charlie had been lying for a very long time.

Two months of her relationship – almost three. Even longer if she counted the build-up.

Her friends allowed it. She wasn’t sure why, but as she stole a Twizzler from Kyra’s desk, she had the distinct feeling that she didn’t deserve it.

Just before Charlie could lose herself in the depths of guilt and a dizzying inner monologue, her companion finally appeared.

20 minutes late, not that Charlie or her grumbling stomach were counting.

“Twizzlers, thank God,” Kyra skipped the pleasantries, instead making a beeline for her friend and the snacks in her hands. Kyra took a handful from the snack drawer and waited until she’d chewed through at least one before turning to Charlie.

Kyra looked amazing.

Particularly for being on death’s door only a month earlier.

Charlie wished she had been there for more of the recovery. After finding out Kyra survived the surgery, they had an emotional moment, and they frequented each other’s room in the hospital. But after the memorial service, Charlie and Ethan left town, and Charlie struggled once she returned to Boston.

During that time, Charlie visited Raf and Kyra. Sometimes, seeing them was the only time she left her apartment. But Kyra was the strongest of all of them – to no one’s particular surprise. Kyra returned to work within only a few weeks, and with Raf and Kyra still on leave, they primarily heard from her via text or rambling phone calls where Kyra shared hospital gossip they didn’t understand.

Looking at Kyra and Charlie, you could tell that one of them almost died, but you’d think it was Charlie, not Kyra. Kyra was stylish and trendy with high heels, a freshly shaved head, and a new series of gold ear piercings to celebrate her successful surgery. She oozed effortless coolness and accentuated it with a devilish smile everyone adored.

Charlie, on the other hand, hadn’t bounced back so smoothly. She’d dressed for the snow by picking up a pair of jeans she hadn’t washed in over a week, and coupled with her anxious expression, her style that usually read as classic and laidback seemed boring and stiff.

Or at least that was what Charlie felt like in comparison.

“Everything okay?” Charlie asked, claiming another Twizzler for herself as she settled comfortably on the edge of Kyra’s desk.

“Just the hospital freaking out,” Kyra grumbled, digging through her snack drawer for something else. She didn’t seem satisfied with any of her options, so she settled on a pack of fruit gummies from the bottom of the drawer.

“About what?” Charlie’s interest was piqued, though she tried to keep her tone casual. After staying home for so long, she couldn’t help but be intrigued.

“Another crisis,” Kyra evaded her, “Which isn’t helping the dire financial straits the hospital was already in.”

“Oh… Are you sure you can still get lunch today?”

“Are you kidding!” Kyra’s eyes widened as if horrified by the idea of a cancellation, “After all that, I need lunch. Let’s get out of the hospital and actually go somewhere good.”

Kyra wanted to get Charlie out of the hospital. Something about her eagerness to do made Charlie suspicious but not enough so that she would push it further. She was so eager to leave – despite her therapist’s suggestions – that she quickly accepted the proposal.

“Sounds perfect,” Charlie agreed.

After only a few moments of discussion, they decided to go to a restaurant within walking distance. Despite its close proximity, it was unpopular with Edenbrook workers because it was notorious for slow service, a recipe for disaster for short lunch breaks. Charlie, who had nowhere else to be for the rest of the day, didn’t mind. Kyra, who regularly extended her break beyond its limit, suggested it on purpose so she could avoid their coworkers.

As they walked to the restaurant, Kyra silently lamented she’d brought Charlie to Edenbrook on the worst day possible.

But she smiled and kept it to herself.

When they took their seats, Kyra started her usual game of looking for the craziest thing on the menu and deciding she should get it just so she could live a little. She inspired Charlie to order something a little more adventurous than the basic chicken sandwich she’d been eyeing when they first walked in.

After they ordered, Kyra was smiling.

“What?” Charlie asked, “The chicken won’t be that spicy,” she felt the need to defend her order, assuming her friend was judging her hot chicken and waffles – an impulsive choice on Charlie’s part but familiar enough that she was comfortable with it.

“Not that,” Kyra rolled her eyes dramatically, still grinning though, “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Charlie smiled back – genuinely.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Kyra shook her head as if shocked by their recent time apart.

“I know… I haven’t been around much,” Charlie admitted sheepishly, reaching for her water as if she could hide behind the glass.

She didn’t need to feel embarrassed about needing time after the attack to heal. But that wasn’t really what she was embarrassed about. It was the weeks of lying and hiding that preceded it.

“I’ve heard,” Kyra smirked softly into her drink.

“You’ve heard?” Charlie repeated, her heart rate spiking just a bit.

“I mean, even before everything happened, you were getting hard to find. And then, after the attack, you’re entitled to space, but…” Kyra smirked like she knew some grand secret, and Charlie’s stomach flipped. “Honestly, all of your roommates wonder where you are but are too polite to ask because of all you’ve been through.”

Charlie’s face fell.

Shit.

She should’ve known. Of course, they’d eventually put it together that she was often gone and frequently spent nights away, but she didn’t realize they were talking about it.

Charlie swallowed hard, and Kyra took that as her sign to continue.

“At first, they thought you were seeing someone casually and didn’t want to tell anyone after what happened with Raf, but then they thought they would have come around after the attack. For a little while, they thought you were with Raf and had secretly united after he broke up with his girlfriend because you guys were suddenly getting along again,” Kyra explained, watching as Charlie’s blanched with shock, “And he explained your absences a lot of the time, but he denied being your boyfriend, by the way. So, if you are having a secret love affair, you should know that your boyfriend denies it.”

“And do you guys still think I’m with Raf?” Charlie couldn’t believe there had been this much discourse about her absence. How many theories had they gone through?

“No,” Kyra shook her head, “You guys don’t act like a couple when you’re together. Plus, there’s no real reason to keep it a secret.”

Right…

Charlie was amazed Rafael hadn’t told her about all the gossip, but he was probably just trying to protect her from it.

“You guys aren’t, are you?” Kyra asked, just to be sure.

“No, definitely not,” Charlie insisted forcefully enough that Kyra was satisfied she was telling the truth.

“Good,” Kyra grinned in relief, “I already made a bet with Elijah that you two weren’t together, so he owes he me $20 now.”

Charlie couldn’t help but laugh.

Still, her curiosity burned.

“So, what are the other theories?”

Kyra raised an eyebrow, surprised Charlie was digging into it more. Clearly, something was there if she was this curious.

“Some are better than others. Aurora thought you might have a secret apartment to be by yourself. Sienna thinks you’re just going around to different supporters like Dr. Banerji when you need them. She usually thinks you’re at his cabin when you’re away. Bryce likes to joke that you’re out at bars on the prowl for a new boy toy,” Kyra winked with a laugh, “And then there’s this really funny one we came up with at Donahue’s, but it’s probably not true.”

“What is it?” Charlie pushed.

Kyra blushed. She was embarrassed to tell her how crazy their conspiracies had become.

“Well… it’s just that Dr. Ramsey’s been really supportive and protective since the attack. And we all saw how devastated he was right after. Plus, he’s the one who took you to Dr. Banerji’s cabin,” Kyra began, but the way she spoke made it clear she thought it was unlikely.

But she was right.

“After everything that happened with you last year, I know that you probably wouldn’t even give him the time of day, especially since you’d started dating other people right before you got sick. But… we thought you and Dr. Ramsey were, you know, together.”

Kyra expected an emphatic rebuttal or an amused laugh. Instead, Charlie stared.

“You weren’t, right?” Kyra laughed, waiting for her expected response.

“Um…” Charlie hesitated.

She wondered if she should keep lying.

But she couldn’t fathom it, not anymore.

“I was, actually,” Charlie said it casually, like it wasn’t an earth-shattering revelation that she had reunited with the man who broke her heart last spring.

Kyra was stunned to silence.

So stunned that she hardly noticed the waitress deliver their meals. Charlie thanked her on behalf of both of them.

Charlie waited for Kyra to do something.

Literally anything.

But she was just staring.

“We were actually together before the attack, though,” Charlie spoke up, trying to fill the silence. She kept her tone nonchalant in hopes it would keep the conversation that way, reducing the impact of her truth, “About a month. Not including the back and forth preceding it, where we slept together a few times.”

Kyra’s eyes widened more and more until they couldn’t possibly get wider.

“I thought you liked David! Didn’t you go out with him to get over Ethan?” Kyra asked, having set up them up just so Charlie could stop crushing on her boss.

“I did like him! But… I only saw him once. And I actually cut that date short because Ethan called me drunk, and I wanted to check on him,” Charlie admitted sheepishly.

“And that’s when you decided to be with Ethan?”

“No,” Charlie averted her eyes, “It was about a week later, I think. We, um… we had sex in Ethan’s office. We didn’t mean to do that, but as you already know, it wasn’t the first time. So, Ethan suggested that we start an actual relationship. I said no initially, but the next day, I said yes.”

“You’re in a relationship?”

“Oh… yeah,” Charlie winced, realizing her friend thought they were just sleeping together.

“How serious?”

“Like we’ve met each other’s parents, and we regularly say, ‘I love you’ serious,” Charlie’s voice got higher as she spoke until she was almost squeaking.

This was crazy. She’d been having a secret relationship – and not the kind where you text someone and show up at their door. She’d been building something meaningful with Ethan. She loved Ethan. She truly wanted to spend the rest of her life with Ethan, and along the way, she’d forgotten that her friends had no idea.

“Holy. Shit,” Kyra’s jaw dropped, and she leaned in close, “Tell me everything.”

She was smiling, and Charlie let out a deep sigh of relief.

So, Charlie told her.

Their promise to have a one-night stand. The way they pulled away and always came back. Her first date with David and the night she spent with Ethan. The morning where they shared breakfast and became friends again. The night in Ethan’s office where he offered a relationship and her teary acceptance the next night. The first time they said I love you. The way he helped put her back together after the attack. Their fight about her returning to Edenbrook. Everything.

Kyra was enthralled.

She asked more questions.

Most of which involved how Ethan was in bed. The others questioned how such an asshole could be a good boyfriend. And most importantly, why they’d kept it a secret.

On that front, Charlie didn’t have a great answer.

It was obvious why they kept it a secret from most of the hospital. The hospital didn’t approve of interdepartmental relationships, particularly if one party was a superior. It could jeopardize her place on the Diagnostics Unit, and rumors of sleeping to the top could damage her career permanently.

But why she didn’t tell her friends?

At first, just to keep the secret from spreading and maybe because she thought they’d think it was a terrible decision. Then… as time went on, it was just harder to share.

Though disappointed with Charlie’s lack of an answer, Kyra loved the conversation.

A few months ago, she’d strongly urged Charlie to stay away from Ethan, convinced he could only hurt her if they got any closer. But now that Ethan had seemingly proved himself, Kyra was eager to hear everything.

The rest of lunch was spent dishing on Charlie’s secret relationship and gossiping about the fabulous men – and the gorgeous woman – Kyra had been casually seeing in the last few weeks. Out of all of them, the only one who came close to acting like a partner was ironically Bryce – the only one she wasn’t sleeping with. Charlie, as always, encouraged Kyra to ask Bryce out and act on their perpetual flirting. Kyra just waved off the suggestion.

It wasn’t until the end of the meal that the conversation naturally drifted back to the financial state of Edenbrook and the resulting long hours Kyra had been working.

Kyra forgot why she didn’t bring it up earlier. She forgot that, as much as she loved Charlie, certain topics were still of limits. Something about the conversation made Kyra feel safe and comfortable – like she was catching up with an old friend, not protecting her from a hospital tragedy.

“I didn’t realize things were that bad,” Charlie confessed, signing her name on the check as they collected their things to leave.

“The whole thing’s on the verge of collapse,” Kyra sighed, “We’re trying everything –even begging our donor list to the point where they hate us. And things are going to get so much worse after today…”

“Today? What happened today?” Charlie asked curiously. Kyra, who had just looped her arm through Charlie’s, stilled as she realized her mistake.

“Just a little crisis. Nothing we can’t handle,” Kyra murmured casually.

“Is that why you had the emergency meeting?” Charlie prodded innocently, unaware of the change in her friend.

“Mmmhmm,” Kyra hummed avoidantly.

“Well… What was it?” Charlie asked again, growing more intrigued by the minute, “There hasn’t been an emergency admin meeting since someone tried to kill me. And before that, the last one was when Mrs. Martinez’s family threatened to sue. It’s got to be something big.”

And it was.

Something monumental and horrible.

“It’s not great,” Kyra warned, “You probably don’t want to hear about it…”

Well, now Charlie had to know.

“Kyra,” she said softly, pausing on the sidewalk once they exited the restaurant, “what is it?”

Kyra chewed on her lower lip, mulling over the decision on whether or not to tell her.

If Kyra was the one to tell her, at least she could control the way the information was spread. Charlie wouldn’t first be exposed to the news through sensationalized gossip or accusatory questions.

Maybe it was better this way.

“An intern made a mistake, or we think it was a mistake,” Kyra began, her hand resting on Charlie’s arms as they moved through the bitterly cold city. Even with their heavy jackets, they huddled together for warmth, and Kyra was comforted by Charlie’s closeness.

“A mistake,” Charlie repeated, the cogs in her brain already churning.

The last time the administrative wing panicked because of an intern mistake, it had been her own.

“What unit?” Charlie asked, hoping it would be something completely unrelated to her line of work. Maybe surgery made the wrong cut or psych misdiagnosed. Even dermatology was capable of mistakes if they tried hard enough.

“Diagnostics,” Kyra’s soft voice was almost lost to the roar of the Boston streets.

Charlie knew.

Without being told, she knew exactly what happened.

And the fact it came so easily to her meant that she had known the risk before now.

She let it happen.

“Esme,” Charlie blurted out her assumption. She prayed that Kyra would correct her.

“How did you know?” Kyra asked, bewildered.

Charlie winced.

“And the patient was Levi Coates.”

“Did someone already tell you?” Kyra’s eyes were so wide they took up most of her face. She was astonished – maybe even a little relieved she wouldn’t have to share the gory details if Charlie already knew.

Charlie couldn’t speak.

Without either noticing, the crosswalk turned green.

Most of the lunch rush had already left the city streets and returned to their office building, so the sidewalks weren’t crowded. Only a few people stood next to Charlie and Kyra, and once the light changed, they left the pair on the sidewalk by themselves.

“No…” Charlie murmured finally, only becoming aware of the crosswalk once it turned red again and stranded them in their original location.

No one needed to tell Charlie.

It all came back to her in horrific detail.

The day she came back to work – her last day before she abandoned Edenbrook and the care of her intern.

Esme acted strangely. She said things she shouldn’t have said to Charlie. She asked dangerous questions. She was too close to Levi – and too willing to take on the risks involved with helping him. And the party…. The party should have been a sign. No one survived a party at Edenbrook, it seemed.

But back then, Charlie couldn’t take it on. She was too fragile and overwhelmed to assume the responsibilities, stress, and mistakes of another. She couldn’t care for herself enough to teach someone else.

She’d left Esme.

She assumed someone would take over, spot it, and do something.

Or her little warning speech would be enough to warn Esme off from career-ruining misery.

But now, Charlie saw it wasn’t enough.

She failed Esme. She failed Edenbrook, and now she failed Levi.

Charlie didn’t want to ask what Esme had done, but she hoped it was benign – something like threatening a parent and having a lawsuit thrown in her face. She couldn’t watch another bright young intern lose a patient and devastate a family.

“What happened?” Charlie asked, not to sate curiosity but to be prepared. She knew that everyone would stare and whisper once she walked into Edenbrook again.

She didn’t look at Kyra as the light finally turned green again. While Kyra collected her thoughts, Charlie tugged her friend across the crosswalk.

Kyra sighed. There was no right way to say it, but even still, it felt wrong to say, “Levi died.”

Charlie’s world felt like it ended again.

“What?”

Charlie stopped in the middle of the street. Locked into her arms, Kyra was stuck there with her.

“She overdosed him. After everything his body went through, he couldn’t take it,” Kyra explained, looking at the crosswalk sign as she was eager to get out of the road.

“So, it was an accident?” Charlie meant to clarify, but it sounded more like a demand.

“Well…” Kyra swallowed, “We’re not sure.”

“You’re not sure?”

“She was close to the patient, and judging by the interviews we’ve conducted thus far… it’s possible that she did this to spare him, most likely with his permission. And that’s the result the admin office wants.”

“Why would they want that? That’s illegal in Massachusetts,” Charlie demanded, seemingly oblivious to the countdown on how much longer they had in this street.

“Charlie, let’s get out of the road,” Kyra implored.

“Just tell me.”

Kyra huffed, eyes scanning the cars waiting for the green light to run them over. Backed into a corner, she confessed, “Because, if she did, the hospital isn’t liable, and we can’t afford the lawsuit right now.”

Oh my God.

Finally, Charlie took a step, and Kyra immediately ushered them to the other side of the street. Only moments later, cars roared through the intersection, much to Kyra’s relief.

But Charlie was disgusted.

She was horrified. She hated that a death had turned into money so quickly. She hated that she hadn’t saved Esme and Levi. She hated that her experience with Mrs. Martinez had been repeated in another generation.

For the next block or so, Kyra and Charlie walked in silence.

Then Edenbrook came into view.

That place.

Full of death and destruction. Pain and misery. Mistakes and heartache.

An anxious building was suddenly clothed in danger.

She hated it. She hated the whole place and all it had done to those she cared about.

Kyra watched her carefully, hoping that she wouldn’t have to leave her friend in a bad state. Finally, she asked, “Should I not have told you?”

“No, you should have,” Charlie murmured, “Better you than someone like Declan Nash telling me it’s a tradition.”

Kyra squeezed Charlie’s arm, wishing she could absorb whatever terrible emotions she felt. She’d been through enough already.

“Do you think it was an accident?” Charlie bit her lip, unsure if she wanted the answer, “If only you got to decide, what would you do?”

“Me?” Kyra considered it, “I don’t know. I’ve only read a few interviews, and I hardly know her. But… looking at his file, I wouldn’t blame Esme if she did. With parents who wouldn’t allow him to give up, he didn’t have many other options, but… I don’t want her to get blamed for this for the sake of a hospital budget.”

Charlie appreciated Kyra’s fair consideration, but personally… Charlie felt sure of what Esme had done. And she couldn’t blame her, not when she saw Levi’s suffering. But it felt like a failure on Charlie’s part nonetheless. She should have been there to find other alternatives before it came to this.

They were close to Edenbrook now.

Soon, they’d say goodbye.

“Are you going to be okay?” Kyra inquired. She wouldn’t leave her friend like this, but she didn’t know what else to do. She couldn’t bring her back to the chaos in the administrative wing, and aside from Rafael, all of their other friends were currently working in Edenbrook, the source of the tragedy.

“I’ll be fine,” Charlie affirmed half-heartedly.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Kyra asked casually. Or it was supposed to sound casual – because, in actuality, it definitely wasn’t. Kyra wanted to know that Charlie wasn’t going to mope about all day or go on a downward spiral after the news.

“Not particularly,” Charlie shrugged, “While I’m here, I think I’ll run up and see Ethan.”

“Your boyfriend?” Kyra teased, and Charlie shot her a glare. Kyra nudged her playfully, “You should tell everyone, you know.”

“I will… eventually.”

“Eventually? So, they’ll find out by getting a wedding invite?”

“I’ll tell them when it’s time,” Charlie insisted, a ghost of a smile creeping across her lips at the joke.

“Just make sure I’m there when you tell Bryce. I want to see his reaction. Promise me, okay?” Kyra demanded once they got to the front door.

“Okay,” Charlie agreed weakly, feeling the color drain from her face as she stepped inside.

“Alright…” Kyra sighed, hesitating to leave. She balanced on either foot as she tried to think of a reason to stay, but ultimately, she just gave Charlie a hug, “Call me later, okay?”

Charlie nodded her agreement.

Kyra wasn’t totally satisfied, but she walked back to the admin office anyway.

Leaving Charlie in Edenbrook.

This building. This horrible building.

Charlie started walking to Ethan’s office on autopilot, but the halls plagued her. Ghosts of patients lost, mistakes made, and heartaches received whispered to her. And then they screamed.

The panic built in her chest – mixing with her sense of regret and responsibility.

Everything here had been a devastating failure.

In her blind rage, she knew exactly what she needed to do.

Ethan felt something similar as he walked to his office.

He’d spent his lunch break with Naveen. Their scheduled lunch had been disrupted by a crisis with Dr. Ortega, and their resulting time together amounted to picking up food from the cafeteria and eating it in Naveen’s office between emergency meetings.

This lunch turned into what Ethan usually called Naveen’s “retirement talks.” Every year or so, Naveen would tire of the politics and stress associated with their profession. He would meet Ethan for drinks or dinner, and he would propose a retirement. Throughout the meal, Naveen would build a fantasy of retirement – one where he read, fished, and hosted dinner parties with frequency. Ethan played the role of reminding Naveen why he loved his job. At the end of all of these talks, Ethan’s side always won because, truthfully, Naveen was never looking to retire. After all, even when Naveen almost died, he couldn’t stay retired for even a week after his recovery.

But today was different.

Today, during the hurried meal, Naveen hadn’t built a fantasy. He reflected on the reality of their job and the pain it can produce. The death of Levi Coates and the accusations against Dr. Esme Ortega were proof enough that this was a difficult burden to bear. Naveen felt responsible. So did Ethan.

It was Ethan’s department, and she worked under Ethan – not that Ethan could say he’d given much effort to her education recently. He’d been so entangled in his own life that he hadn’t been much of an attending. Perhaps he could have taught her something to prevent this.

Then there was the day Charlie came back to work… He’d seen Ortega. She’d been up to something. If Ethan hadn’t been so focused on Charlie, he would have seen it. He could have done something.

Though he felt similarly, he lacked Charlie’s rage and depth of pain.

So, when he opened his office door and saw his beloved girlfriend standing there, he smiled. Because it felt like old times, if just for a minute. When they were so eager for time together that they’d meet here in secret…. His heart ached for the innocence of that time.

Then, he remembered she was still nervous in Edenbrook, and she was pacing the room anxiously. This couldn’t be a romantic visit.

Ethan closed the door behind him quickly and greeted her with confusion, “Charlotte?”

“You know about Esme,” Charlie skipped pleasantries.

In the comfort and safety of this office, the apprehension poured out of her. In front of him, she was going to lose it.

Ethan frowned.

He wished she hadn’t found out yet. It was the last thing she needed.

“So, you know too then?” Ethan clarified, turning the lock on his office door out of precaution.  

Charlie didn’t answer. She just held her breath, sucking in air through her nose and holding it in her chest. She thought it would calm her. It didn’t.

“This is my fault,” she decided.

“You weren’t even here!” Ethan objected.

“But she’s my intern.”

“You were mine,” Ethan stepped towards Charlie, “And I never took responsibility for Mrs. Martinez’s treatment.”

“But you were there to teach me. You did what you could. I wasn’t there for Esme. I wasn’t even here at all!” Charlie retorted.

“What do you think you could have done?” Ethan asked, knowing she was expecting too much of herself.

“I knew something was wrong, Ethan. Esme was acting inappropriately. She asked me questions about ‘doing the right thing’ even when it’s not allowed. I should have told someone or at least told her more about what happened to me. All I did was give her a short speech and then leave,” Charlie huffed, “I failed her.”

Ethan felt strongly that she hadn’t. Or even if she had, she was justified given her traumatic near-death experience only a few weeks ago.

“You didn’t administer the dose. You’re not responsible.”

Charlie paused, her green eyes boring into his. He felt exposed as she seemed to read his rawest emotions with ease. And to prove it, she inquired, “You feel no responsibility then?”

Ethan shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want to lie.

Charlie shook her head as if unsurprised, and she began to pace again.

The panic was rising, and tears prickled at her eyes.

“This fucking place,” Charlie scorned, “All I wanted to be was a doctor. I thought I would come here and learn from the best. I thought I’d leave tired and deeply in debt but satisfied with my decision. And at every turn, something horrible happens. Why am I even here? I came here to help people, but who has been helped? Levi? Mrs. Martinez? Bobby?”

“Charlie…” Ethan eyes softened, “You’ve helped a lot of people.”

“Not enough. Not enough for this…” Charlie felt like she was breaking.

She was cracking and splintering. She was giving up.

“Why am I even trying to be a doctor if I’m just getting people killed?”

“Charlotte,” Ethan didn’t expect to react so viscerally, but something about her accusation stung him deeply. He placed either hand on her shoulder and insisted, “You haven’t killed anyone.”

“I can’t do this,” she shook her head so quickly, so fervently that her snow-dampened curls flew, “I can’t come back here. I can’t come back to Edenbrook, where nothing goes right and everyone gets hurt. Ethan… I’m leaving medicine.”

He could have sworn the earth stopped turning.

“Charlotte,” Ethan began, prepared to give a speech on why she was wrong, but she cut him off.

“I’ve already made up my mind. I made it up before I even got here. I can’t take another tragedy in this hospital. I can’t keep going, Ethan. I’m literally building up my tolerance just to stand in this office! How am I supposed to practice again?”

“You haven’t given yourself enough time!” Ethan asserted.

“It’s been over a month. How much more time will it take, Ethan?”

“Naveen is willing to give you as much time as you need.”

“But when is enough time? Ethan, there isn’t enough time! I am broken. I lost the instinct. I can’t do it anymore,” she felt like she was begging him to understand, just as he was begging her to change her mind.

“You are not broken, no matter what. You haven’t even tested the instinct to know if it’s lost,” Ethan knew that pinpointing the holes in her argument would do little to sway her, but it felt like all he had.

“I can’t keep going like this, Ethan,” Charlie said so passionately that Ethan instantly knew she was right. His hand went to hers, and he squeezed it.

“I know…” he murmured.

For a second, she thought she’d won. But the racing panic and horror didn’t leave her mind…

“But you don’t have to quit to change this,” Ethan decided.

Charlie frowned, but having decided on his mission, Ethan ignored her. He went to his desk and collected the chart for the newest patient of the Diagnostics Team – a patient they hadn’t even seen yet.

He handed the file to her and told her, “Read it.”

“I’m not even on duty. I can’t read this,” Charlie dropped the chart back to his desk.

“You can, and you are. And read it quickly because you’re going with us to meet the patient.”

“I’m on leave.”

“I’m your supervisor, and if you’re going to quit, I’m taking you off leave first,” Ethan determined.

It was a risk.

He could either change her mind or make it much, much worse.

“You should grab your jacket. The patient is at a ski resort, and we’re leaving in half an hour,” Ethan announced authoritatively.

She could say no, of course. She was very good at calling him out on his bullshit, particularly when he claimed authority he didn’t have. But he didn’t think she would because she wanted to know just as much as he did.

“So, what? You don’t want to leave me alone when I’m upset, and you think you can entice me back into work with a mystery? Is that what you have planned?” Charlie accused Ethan.

“No,” Ethan stood firmly, “I’m bringing you because I know you’ll solve it, and you need a reminder of all the good you’ve done here.”

Charlie made a show of rolling her eyes. She hated that he dared to fight her on her own career decisions, particularly after everything she’d been through. But she still reached for the chart. Just as he suspected, she didn’t continue the fight. Instead, she gathered her coat and started reading about the patient.

She wanted to know if Ethan was right.

And honestly… part of her hoped he was.

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for continuing to support this series! I didn’t mean to take this last hiatus, but with finishing up my semester, graduating, saying goodbye to friends, and moving, I ended up needing more time than I originally imagined.

Please share your thoughts on this chapter - and Kyra finding out!

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Breeding A Human Chapter Two

Masterlist

Its a few weeks since Kal has claimed you and ...He might be more unstable then you first thought. But your learning to navigate him but your question now is what does it mean to be mated by a kryptonian? And better yet can you reverse it? 

Warnings: Adult Situations 18+,Swearing ,Manipulative Behavior,Yandere,Non Con WHEN I SAY NON CON I MEAN NON CON DON'T LIKE IT DON'T FUCKING READ IT STOP READING SHIT YOU DON'T LIKE!!, Breeding Kink, Mentions of Forced Pregnancy, Angst, Spanking, Threatening Behavior,  Threats of Violence

A/N: So found this hard to write....well I couldn't write it in one go had to take a few breathers whether that’s good of bad I'm not sure, was a bit of a bugger to keep the mad yandere theme going but I hope I succeeded xx

Taglist: @thatdamncutegirl @sofiebstar​ @iloveyouyen​ @thefangirlsblog​ @lux-ravenwolf​ @thatgirly81​

You sat down on the floor in the living room against the wall hidden, things are...Hard. Your neighbor who spotted you and Kal the other week had told your other neighbors and friends who told their friends who told their friends and on and on. There had been small snippets in the news and media about superman possibly having a lover but everything was still rumor and speculation...Well it was until yesterday someone must have got access to the police report of the incident at the house. Because yesterday your face was plastered all over the papers and this morning you awoke to reporters pounding on your door at seven am each hounding you for the scoop wanting an interview with 'Supermans woman'. You wasn't sure why but it seemed Kal had all but abandoned you to deal with it, probably wanting to see if youd say something to them; tell them the truth it was a test. You wont, you cant the retribution and backlash wouldn't be worth it, you didn't want to imagine Kals reaction...He would flip his shit....Again your not sure you would survive superman's displeasure again as his 'mate' your corrections were of a very specific nature.

So here you were alone hiding in your own home with your wooden blinds shut tight trying to ignore the crowd of people outside snapping photos of your home and calling for you to come out and chat. The papers yesterday had all plastered a photo taken of you both when he saved you from the water all those months ago. The headlines all along the same lines of 'confimred Superman's human lover. The secret love affair' and 'Love at first sight? Superman's girlfriend finally revealed!' And your personal favorite just from the sheer cheesyness 'The star crossed lovers! Krypton and Earth collide!' There was many other shitty headlines they must have just found out it was true after digging around.

Each knew who you were and where you lived, some of them had interveiws from 'witnesses' from the day he pulled you from the water 'He wouldn't let her go not even to the paramedic's. You could tell he was shaken up it must have been terrible for him to see her in the water like that!...You could tell there was something there between them, I have no doubt they were a couple already! They were even bickering!. He even protected her from being arrested for jumping in after the little girl! No one could get near her...He was probably in shock he just held her close ~It was so romantic seeing him protect her like that you could tell it was true love~' you scoffed bullshit! If only they knew what followed. Some even questioned if you were fucking secretly married!

You sat wiping your eyes crying softly, your life had gone to shit in a few short months and you was at rock bottom. Trapped in your own home by a media frenzy who wanted the story ...What could you tell them? the truth? 'superman stalked me, isolated me and manipulated me into thinking I was borderline schizophrenic convincing me I had ptsd and was going mad then raped me when I found out he was a fucking nut job and when the police showed up I was to scared to say anything because he was upstairs'

Somehow you didn't think they would buy that, they wanted a fairy tale! not the truth and if you did tell the truth you'd get a shit tonne of hate. And Kal? Well you didn't want to risk angering him again. He threw fits at you, bouts of anger that always terrified you and each time you were reminded. He was not human. Nowhere near it! He nearly perforated your ear drums from shouting at you last week you couldn't afford to anger him. So instead you opted to remain silent.

In the days since his rape mating Kal had stuck around he was here each night he didn't leave anymore either...Well not properly, he still flew off into the night to maintain order in the city and save people from disasters around the world but he didn't leave to go home a night. He did however leave in the morning and he was out all day like clock work almost like he had a job. Each day would start with him in your bed sometimes just watching you other times you awoke to him slipping between your thighs using your body to satisfy himself, you tried not to resist it was hopeless he would do what he wanted.

He claimed you were his mate and as his mate you had a duty to please him, he said to think of yourself as his wife and he had very traditional views on how his home life should be, bare foot in the kitchen sprang to mind. Preferably pregnant to, he was obsessed with wanting you to become pregnant and you do mean obsessed. After fucking you full to the point of pain he spent hours just watching your stomach, following his release with his all seeing gaze as it traveled into your womb willing it to hit its mark. He is adamant that he wants to see the exact moment that you conceive, the creation of his child! And you can never forget what he is doing either. He holds you in an elevated position trying to get the best chance all the while rubbing your stomach and ribs giving you a monologue of what his cum is doing, where it is how close he is to fertilizing you. It made you feel sick but what could you do? Fight him?

He was very pleased with himself always claiming that this was right, it was how nature intended and that it was just taking you longer to feel the bond you had because you was human. Kal was sure once you became pregnant  that tiny ounce of kryptonian blood in your child would kick start your own mateing bond for now you had to trust him. So obsessed and desperate to have you 'bred' he helped himself to you as and when he saw fit, his 'love making' literally lasted hours he called it many things 'sex, fucking, lovemaking' but it was rape however you refrained from calling it that now he got all angry glowy eyes which was...Not fun especially when the molten eyes were inches from yours as he held you down and 'corrected' you with his cock, splitting you open mercilessly and unprepared trying to breed you like a bitch in heat. And true to his word he had kept you quiet not from holding back oh god no. He now had a solution if you began to struggle or get to 'fiesty' he would simply place fingers in your mouth and pin down your tongue as a painful reprimand to 'bring you back in line' and it usually did in a few short moments to frightened to struggle much longer in fear of him snapping your jaw.

You had tried to run a few days after your first time, hoping that you could at least get a one way plane ticket you doubted he would rip open the plane and risk everyone just to get to you, he seemed to need his golden boy image to cover his tracks. Unfortunately as you tried making your escape your neighbor was in the garden biting at the bit to talk to you wanting to know the ins and outs. You had real trouble trying to get out of the conversation she was a determined gossip.

"So you wrangled yourself a hero?! Wow tell me whats he really like? Where did you two meet? Was it the bridge? I bet it was the bridge! That’s so romantic! Him saving your life and falling in love, it sounds like a real life fairy tale! I'm almost jealous" You had shivered if only she knew, you wanted to just ignore her and run off but you'd already stopped and turned to her you cursed yourself for it when you looked to her. Mrs Ellis AKA the local rumor mill, well known for getting into everyone else's business, she was kind enough but two faced and nosy. She was married and in her early forties with one adult son who was just as bad as his mother. You plastered on a shy smile just give her a few tit bits to mull over and you'd be out of here!

"No it....I'm not sure how it happened he just managed to make himself apart on my life...I didn't have much say to be honest" she had giggled and covered her red cheeks fanning her self.

"I bet! I'm sure no one can stop that man when he is determined! We heard it infact~" you blushed and looked away scanning the sky apprehensively you really didn't want to be caught out of the house by him, he wont like it as his mate you were supposed to rely on him for everything therefore had no reason to leave. Seeing the conversation start to halt before she got what she wanted she smiled again continuing.

"We were all worried around here for a few weeks... We thought you were going off the deep end can you believe that? None of us suspected your strange behavior was just because you had yourself a new man...It was because you were with him wasn't it?" and there we go the snooping disguised as friendly chat. You looked around quickly okay you had enough you needed to leave.

"I...Yes yes it was...Mrs Ellis I'm sorry to be rude but I'm kind of in a rush-" her face lit up"OH! are you sneaking out? let me guess going to cook your man a slap up romantic meal?! you know I did the same to Earl when we first got together! Oh to be oung again~ just remember good food is the way into a mans heart~" you smiled at her and moved your hands in a shrugging gesture.

"You've caught me Mrs Ellis! He has no idea what I have planned...So if he comes over could you try and stall him ...Stop him from coming looking for me? just say I've popped out...."

"Huh? why would he be looking for- Would he be worried about you?!~ oh that is so sweet! your so lucky to have him fawn over you, Must feel so nice having him all macho and protective~. That being said I can understand why you've been so skittish. I'd be skittish to if I was dating a man like that." You frowned at her confused man like that? Did she know? would she believe you if you told her?

"A...A man like what?" She gasped placing a hand to yours thinking she had offended you.

"Oh no! Oh honey I didn't...I didn't mean nothing by it! I'm not one of those 'alien go home' lackey's I merely meant him being a hero..He's bound to have enemies so I would have been careful to and I'm sure you both didn't want the media knowing but they will find out soon honey...Sorry I'm getting this all wrong...All I'm trying to say is I'm happy for you! Right well I won't keep you, you go get your man his dinner! But if you ever need anything or just to talk pop round and we can have a chit chat- even bring him I'm sure he and Earl would get along as us women have a chat!" you thanked her and made your way half way down the lawn with promises of talking to him about it...But no you had absolutely no intentions of going round there...or staying here for that matter?If all went well youd be out of the country by tonight!.

It was when you got nearly three houses down the road your heart stopped ,there it was the boom of him reentering the atmosphere above. You turned looking at him he was hovering staring at the house, looking for you from here you could tell he was becoming aggravated. You got another two steps then your neighbor gave you away gasping and giggling at you then shouted across the open lawns.

"Oh y/n I think you have a visitor~ should I get my ear plugs ready?~" You closed your eyes feeling Kal’s gaze snap to you ignoring her comment you moved your hand clutching your bag tighter, he would know and you were going to be in for it! The street seemed to get quiet, the people that had been out doing yard work now staring as he barrelled down towards you stopping a few feet above you then lowered down to the ground smiling eerily at you.

"Mate? I thought you were staying in today...You know I'm not keen on you going out without me knowing..." he was quick to wrap himself around you ushering you back towards the house glanced over you and frowned slightly seeing your larger bag.

"Just where do you thing your off to...with your passport?" You could hear the growl creep in to his voice.

"Just in to town...Want some wine is all and sometimes they say my license is fake so I take my passport to...I didn't think you'd be home till tonight" Mrs Ellis laughed shaking her head at you.

"Oh dear why not tell him, even with all this feminism there is nothing wrong with wanting to feed your man!" Kal turned his head to the woman putting on a charming smile, his eyes lit up happily and he turned back to you.

"Cook? You were going to cook for me? Oh mate that’s- thank you love that very thoughtful" you shook your head seeing he was taking the white lie to heart, he must think you were going to start complying with this fucked up 1950s house wife shit show. Mrs Ellis laughed and waved a hand

"Oh dear stop being so fussy!" She turned to Kal rolling her eyes

"Of course she doesn't want to admit it! but she just told me she was off to get groceries she wanted to cook for you...I swear these younger women and their distaste for traditional house wives, seriously raising a family is just as important as any career!" he moved towards you winding an arm around your waist tugging you to his side

"I couldn't agree more~ Family is everything" he spun you around placing a kiss to your cheek in front of the older woman making her coo, he was curling around you putting on a show, making the display look ...Romantic pulling you to him tucking you under his arm. His laugh was all the warning you got before he spoke loud enough for the other neighbors on the near by lawns to hear.

"Really love? Well I thank you, truly I love the idea of you trying to take care of me! but you know I don't need you to do that my love~" he paused to give you a wicked smile self assured in his next little public claim over you

"No no ,I'd much prefer to come home to you ready to try again after all our child wont make itself" Your eyes widened he had practically fucking shouted it! Your neighbor gasped

"O-oh my y/n you failed to mention that you were trying for a baby!..That’s wonderful! you know you'd make an excellent Mother" He stopped and through her a shinning smile

"So we are going to go public love? I mean you were talking about me? And you are Mrs Ellis if I'm not mistaken?" He moved you across to the woman and held out a hand.

"Its very nice to meet you properly ma'am...I’m-" she flushed red and took his hand

"S-superman- I know who you are-" he smiled laughing moving to press a kiss to the top of your head.

"Oh please call me Kal...After all we are going to be neighbors isn't that right love?" You took a deep breath and nodded slowly unable to say anything he was cunning.

"N-neighbors your moving in?" He laughed and squeezed you to him.

"Absolutely! I practically have already...Well I'm afraid that we must be going as I said before our child wont make themselves...Well not on the lawn anyway~" he winked as the older woman blushed fanning herself

"Oh my~ ah and don’t worry about any visitors haha we wont call anyone..If you get my meaning just have fun deary~" he smiled again Thanking her before ushering you into the house slamming the door with finality you knew that Mrs Ellis was already inside on her phone to her friends.

Once inside he quickly grabbed your chin squeezing pinning you back against the wall seething.

"You try to leave this house-Leave me again and I'll melt all the fucking locks and hinges on every door and window~" you whimpered as he moved fishing out your passport and burned hole through it to make a point, you wasn't leaving.Ever. Well...there was one way out.

You can honestly say that was the first time it had truly sunk in. The first time you had considered other more permanent options. It was just a fleeting thought...Until it wasn’t and you sat back really considering it a few days later. The question was could you do it? Could death be an escape from all this madness? From his madness? You shook your head.No. No no you can’t think like that yet...There must be a way! And escape but who the fuck could save you from Superman? Who was it you needed to call? You'd given up for the time being you needed a plan but ass the days became weeks you were loosing hope fast. If you were gonna do it, it had to be sooner rather then later you doubted even you'd be able to do it if you did fall pregnant. Because god help you if you failed and only killed the child...

You yelped as another loud knock was at your door calling out for you to just answer a few questions. You tucked into a tighter ball whining wanting them to all go away. Suddenly there it was, the sound that made your stomach go cold, Kal had come back you heard the people outside calling out to him in a mad rush, but they sounded less threatening less pushy. You felt him looking at you huddled up in the corner peeking through the walls of the house.

Kal moved slowly down to the ground landing softly in the front yard he turned seeing you there cowering in the living room. He growled at your distress and snapped his head to the reporters a frown on his face. He wanted to burn them for upsetting his mate but instead settled for sweeping them with a fierce look. They each instantly calmed that was then he spoke evenly giving them a sharp look. They disregarded his stern gaze and all bombarded him with questions he knew they wont leave until they had something

"I'd ask that you leave my mate and I alone this...Human kryptonian mating bond has been difficult for us to navigate...And we are not ready to give statements yet..."  he hoped that admitting to a mating bond would give the reporters enough but sighed when it hadn't.

"Mating bond? Like soulmates?" He looked to the reporter and gave a stiff nod

"Yes...As you can imagine with us being...Me being who and what I am it is difficult...And, I find myself driven on...Baser instincts when it comes to her. My need to protect her is....Very hard to control at this time and you have terrified her! She is cowering in her own home so for your own safety I'd ask you to leave" The reporters fell silent when he growled out his last words all thinking the same thing. Did he just threaten them? Rightly or wrongly they didn't want to stay and find out He stood tall arms crossed giving the large group a fierce stern glare ,they each nodded and began to back away all muttering apologies and agreeing to his requests.He turned to you again you felt him you were looking right at him shaking in fear, these animals have frightened you his poor sweet mate. You must have been terrified with them pounding on the door shouting at you all day.

But then again that's what he hoped for, he wants you to move willingly. That is why he decided against just stealing you away while you slept. Now that he was here with you the urge to fly of into the sunset with you had died down, he hopes that if you still want to leave this house you will ask him to take you away.

That way he could take you to his prepared home in Kansas a small ranch miles away from ...Well everything! It was perfect and if anything goes awol he shouldn't have to chase you down and correct you, oh no you'd come crawling back! It was nearly a twelve hour walk across flat crop fields of course he wouldn't have a vehicle on the property and if you did try to leave hoofing it for all that time it was flat ground surrounding the property one high fly and he'd have your location asap and have you home for a punishment.

Maintaining the place shouldn't be hard the crops he could do himself in seconds when the time came..Everyone always did call him a farm-boy and it was true he was a farm-boy at heart. There was electricity but no phone there's no internet either he would bring you books and films or supplies for any hobby you'd like and you could redecorate until your hearts content. But bottom line was you'd be safe not only that being so far from everyone meant your children would have space to practice there abilities unhindered. Soon. He whispered to himself very soon.

He smiled at you, trying to calm you even if you couldn't see it. He gave one final scowl to the crowd who whether it be instinct or primal fear of him,  they had listened and began leaving. He stayed outside the house guarding you as they slowly trickled away.Once they were all gone he moved up to the house knocking.

"Love....Love they are gone now, come on open up little mate....Mate stop I know your scared and upset but please I've dealt with it your safe now.....My heart?...I will break the door if you don't let me in...One...Two..Two and a half ...Three...Okay you asked for it-" you opened it with a quick scrabbling motion. He smiled quickly stepping over the threshold collecting you in his arms kicking the door shut. You trembled against him they had frightened you! He admonished. You wept into his chest, you had no choice he had smothered you. He held you tightly hushing and cooing at you whispering soft words of encouragement.

"My sweet little mate don't cry, shh I'm here now and I made them leave see?" You nodded at him still shaken you wanted to leave, you wanted out! of this house, the country this whole situation.

But there was no escape! he will not let you leave him, but maybe if you asked he would come to? let you at least move to an new house that didn't have so many bad memories, tho you were better in a sense you wasn't as paranoid or frantic you knew it was him and he didn't hide anymore he flaunted it as much as he could. He was now trapping you in a different sense creating an image of being a consenting loving couple just like the stupid papers said. You sobbed pressing your palms to his chest leaning back to look up at him.

"I-I can't stay here! Kal please...This house I just can't...Can I?...Can I go see that house?...The one in central city?-" he tensed squeezing your arms making you wince growling at you his eyes becoming a bright red for a second then dimmed back to his normal aqua.

"NO! NO YOU MAY NOT!" You cringed trembling he grit his teeth you looked down tears starting anew shaken to the core, this man, this alien terrified you he was obsessive and a fantasist, he was strong, far to strong just one misplaced squeeze of a finger and you were a goner. He took a breath and moved pinching your chin softly making you meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry love...Your not leaving me, I couldn't bare to lose you not now..Not ever" your heart dropped to your stomach at his words you knew that you couldn't escape him but you couldn't stay here either! you swallowed blinking and tried to reason with him, plead with him to grant even the smallest of mercies.

"Then...Then somewhere here! A house they don't know! Please please I can't stay here! They will be back! Please Kal I'm begging you, I'm scared Kal I don't want them to know where I live...Please?" he stayed silent looking down at you he supposed letting you look for somewhere in Metropolis wasn't a bad idea, you were already referring to him for permission. Trusting his judgment letting him take the lead as a good little female does, acknowledging him as your mate and higher up. He could just turn down all the options until you ask him to choose then he can finally bring you home willingly just as he planned.

"I will think about it...I may have just the place for us~...But that is for another day for now its time for us to try again...I still haven't bred you today and your ovulating again" you closed your eyes as he moved closer taking a deep breath smelling your neck then lower pressing the tip of his nose to the top of your breast.

"You smell-your scent is...UGH fuck its divine your skin it just releases it-its like a fucking drug!" You trembled looking down with little hope already knowing how this ends before its begun. He moved back a step and pressed a hand to your stomach, he still hadn't taken it was a shame but he would not let it faze him, he had a plan and he would continue filling you until you were carrying his child.

"Come love things will be better once your growing with my seed" you whimpered at the thought and shook our head.

"Kal I don't want I'm not ready-"

"Of course you are! I can fucking smell it your body is screaming out for me! Stop saying stupid things!" He snapped before you even finished your sentence, you looked down trying to hold back tears and shook you didn't want to do anything with him, yet refusing will only drag out the whole ordeal making it painful.

You knew that last few weeks had been a dream for him a fantasy of his own making. Being with you making sure you were 'safe' he was always happy sleeping in the same bed after rutting and filling your tight little cunt for what felt like hours. He had hoped that you'd be pregnant by now but never complained for long he enjoyed the intimacy, loved holding you down and painting your insides marking your womb as his territory in the most carnal and depraved ways.

He was a monster driven on pure feral instinct, he had explained it may be hard for you to fall pregnant due to the kryptonian's past that was his excuse to fucking you every which way filling you as many times as he could until your stomach was distended and swollen. He had explained in his lust fueld rants as he impaled you down onto his fat shaft that he wasn't sure why his kind had resorted to the artificial chambers to produce children. He did however assume it was because there was a problem with conceiving naturally. You'd once asked snidely if it was even possible for him to impregnate you it had been a bad day and you for some reason wanted to provoke him, make him as upset as you.

It did the trick he became enraged with the possibility but instead of pulling out from your bruised body and leaving in a mood like you'd hoped. He had done the opposite and had fucked you for nearly twenty four hours straight, the only break you had was to use the bathroom and that had driven him further into his frenzy claiming you were trying to dispose yourself of his cum. Trying to wash away his hard work! that you were refusing to fall pregnant as if by some magical way you had control of it! He had been brutal in his thrusts once you began to chafe he had kindly provided you with his own freezing cold saliva again making sure you felt thoroughly punished with each almost violent thrust.

You'd bled that night. He had been to rough and had torn you. 'Nothing you didn't deserve' at least that's what he had said. It was your fault apparently for resisting him and wriggling to much, you had laid there and cried sobbed your heart out for hours. It was hour later when he began to get worried as the bleeding slowed but did not stop he had held you tightly stroking your tummy. He shushed you before doing the most traumatic thing he'd ever done to you. Something you'd never forget or forgive him for putting you through. The tear was small but bled quite a bit and was in a tricky spot seemingly at the back of your opening each time you moved the bleeding picked up again so he had decided to cauterize to wound. You'd screamed and thrashed crying louder then before kicking out at him as he held your legs wide and 'healed' you. That was the first time you'd begged him to kill you. He brushed off your pleas just thinking that you had a low pain tolerance. But it wasn't, in that excruciating moment you wanted him to do it, to just hurry up and end you but he had laughed you off and gotten you an ice pack instead ordering you to lay splayed with your wound covered while he had a shower and left you in the bedroom alone.

That had been just over a week ago and was the last time he'd had you he was almost certain he had taken and wanted to let you recover but with his eyes he could see you had not been fertilized and was now once again determined to have you again despite the wound nearly completely healed you were terrified of going through that ordeal again.

He moved you both into the house away from the door moving you to the stairs. You twisted in his grasp trying to capture the banister as he made his way up the stairs he just sighed continuing forcing you to let got and screech at him.

"No Kal! Please KAL NO!" he clicked his tongue at you and began scolding you moving to tug you up the stairs by one large hand engulfing your bicep tugging harshly making you cry out as your hand slipped off the polished wooden post and you stumbled hitting your knees on the step before you and cried out again.

"F-FUCK AH NO! KAL NOT AGAIN PLEASE" you took a breath trying to make him see sense

"K-kal I-I'm not healed enough-" he just raised his arm pulling your back up he was stoic as he dragged you behind him warning and cooing at you all in one as he spoke.

"Love! what have I said about all that noise?..Now that's enough if they phone the police again you wont be answering the door in a sheet! Oh no ,I'll be answering it with you split open on my cock! And let everyone in the street see how good your cunt looks wrapped around it! now stop all this silliness you know that I will win in the end~" his voice was stern and exasperated like trying to talk sense in to a naughty child.

"K-kal I'm not refusing you please PLEASE JUST JUST LISTEN!...Your supposed to wait at least two weeks after you tear- even after birth its two to four weeks-pleas I don't want to, if we do and something goes wrong kal I might not be able to give birth properly later!" You panicked trying to convince him to say anything that would make him stop for a second. He smiled and pulled you closer tucking your head to his chest.

"Oh love no~no its not the same I healed you remember? It helped you! it wasn’t stitches I closed the wound my love your fine now and besides you’d have another nine months to heal...I'm not going to fuck you once your pregnant well not there anyway~...I’d never ever risk our child like that now trust me!" You cried really not wanting him to get angry like last time but you couldn't help but struggle against him it was just a natural reaction you did want it! Not only that you had anxiety over it now that he had hurt you accidentally, it brought home the fact that he was an alien. He moved to hold both of our arms tugging you forward and up onto his shoulder. He was worried he didn't want to break your fingers by tugging to hard when you latched onto the door frames and such.

"No! can we-KAL WAIT!-No can't we have dinner first or-or something Kal please- Please not now! not now!" You yelped kicking and slapping at him trying to get him to put you back down quickly becoming desperate to get away. He laughed twisting you out of the door frames reach as he entered the bedroom.

"Nonsense why eat now just to build up an appetite when I'm filling you~ Now I really would be quiet if I was you I'm not sure if all the media have left or not you don't want them to overhear and have an article about that now do you?" you froze gobsmacked was he teasing or being serious at this point you couldn't tell he would do and say anything to get you to be compliant, all you could do was whine and panic you knew it was futile to resist but it was ...It was hard.

You snapped at him trying to bite  at his neck as Kal had made it into the bed room and was lowering you. He caught your jaw swiftly.

"Bit at me again my love and I will bite back much harder" You struggled feebly against his hand on your jaw he gave a quick shake of your face.

"Understand?" You looked up tearfully

"I said do you understand female?" You shuddered at the dark voice the pure alpha male tone he managed that shamefully aroused you, you nodded meekly as much as you could with the vice like grip on your face he just nodded with a quiet 'good girl' then proceeded to launch you through he room you landed with and indignant squeak you rolled over to your back watching him approach through teary eyes.

"I am growing tired of this love...I have decided that I should resort to some more...Traditional methods with you" you held up your hands willing him away he mocked you slightly as he stood at the bottom of the bed moving to pull himself free from the suit.

"W-what do y-you mean?" You choked on a sob eyes cast over him seeing just what was awaiting you as his cock strained against the fabric.

"Oh my love come now your a clever girl~ I'm sure you'll realize soon enough...I don't know why your whimpering so? And kicking up such a fuss you always enjoy it in the end why all this fighting? I make you cum don't I? make you see stars as I make love to you? I don't have to,  I could just rip into you unprepared, fuck you dry but do I? No because I love you and I want our love making to be pleasurable for the both of us...Shh come on love...I wont dry fuck you...I promise....It would be to much for your tiny body....Look ok just lay back I promise I will be gentle this time~" his reassurance did nothing to calm you as he slipped completely out of the suit letting it fall carelessly to the floor. "I said lay back...Do not test me mate"

You weighed up the options and shuffled back to the head board whimpering as he approached you the muscles above his huge cock were tensing making the thick angry rod slap on his stomach leaving tiny spots of pre-cum across it the veins throbbing bulging much like the rest of him. He tilted his head at you waiting at the end on the bed.

"Mate come on~ won't you lay down for me? Be a good girl I've told you I'm not going to be rough today I promise-"

"Your always rough! You always hurt me!" You shouted already panicking not wanting him to touch you at all you cowered from him trying to curl tighter into a smaller ball willing him to leave you alone. He clenched his jaw neck twitching then dropped his head looking to the stiff cock jutting out and sighed.

"..I will admit our size difference can cause our lovemaking to be uncomfortable-" you growled at him

"NO! NOT JUST THAT YOU HURT ME KAL EVERYTIME YOU FORCE ME!"

"THEN YOU SHOULD BEHAVE!" You squeaked covering your ears his voice so loud it hurt, he sighed moving a hand through his hair. He hated this, your fear and refusal of him, he tried not to get mad but it was frustrating dealing with it, you-he his soul was bonded to yours yet you didn't feel a thing! He always got the brunt of it! It wasn't fair!

"I'm strong! And I-I struggle with my strength and humans! Especially you! I don't mean to hurt you but- your mine! My mate and I have a right to fuck you and fill you as I see fit. Now lay down just lay down LAY DOWN!" You tensed as he raised his voice he was going red and quivered. You feared one day he would accidentally snap a bone or-or puncture something whilst holding you down...Maybe that's why you did it? So he would kill you put an end to all this? It was the only way you were getting away.

Your thoughts were interrupted as Kal gripped and ankle and pulled ripping the leg straight and yanking you down the bed before flipping you to your stomach you scrabbled trying to get away but he struck you. His heavy palm landed o your cheeks your leggings offered no protection as his hot hand spanked you. You screamed out tensing your ass as he continued

"Its time you behaved! Time you realized your place! You are my mate-my lover mine! You hear me? MINE! And you will start to act like it or face consequences! Now get your clothes off and lay down like a good loving MATE, I'll not have you ruin a chance to conceive because your being a silly little human! These games stop now!" You wailed kicking out at him hurting your own foot scrabbling pulling the covers beneath you trying to get away but all you did was bundle the sheets at your tummy. Your foot throbbed from connecting with his hard frame one foot was still in his grasp he used it to tug you closer landing sharper blows to your thighs you wailed sobbing and rolled trying to throw him off but he twisted his hand placing you back on your front. His hand seemed to get heavier with each blow bruising and stinging your flesh all in one you screeched high as he moved and struck you harder still on the underside of your cheeks his large palm covering both at once, finally he stopped and threw your foot down to the mattress in frustration you cried sobbing pitifully in to your pillow that you'd dragged down in your bid to crawl away.

That was the first time he'd done that, he must be getting frustrated with you now he moved over clutching your throbbing cheeks digging in his fingertips to border pain.

"That is what I mean about traditional methods... You will be a good mate, a good obedient female, wife and mother! You will do as you are told when you are told or I will bring you to hand. Right now I am telling you, get your clothes off and ready yourself! Its time to be bred woman..Now move before you really have something to cry about!" You got up on hands and knees shaking through your sobs and tugged off your tshirt. It was no use maybe you should just give in...Find something in this fucked up relationship to cling to...Could you ignore him?  and the things he did if you had a baby? A child to fawn over and use that to forget your fear and hate of its father?

Kal shifted pleased you were doing as you were told and he couldn't wait to see his marks on your ass. He should have spanked you weeks ago! It seemed to do the trick getting you back into line. Sure it was a little ...undignified but you needed a firm hand! He had known that for a while but had been putting it off worried you'd stray to far from him...But who was he kidding? he loved you and you him, you were mates and once pregnant you'd feel it to he knew you would you had to...and even if you didn't its not like you could disappear with his child, the world knew you were his the league knew and were keeping tabs on you and if all fails and the ranch in Kansas doeskin work there's always the fortress.

You were strange and confusing, for a few days you'd be docile and compliant a perfect house wife, cooking and cleaning letting him do as he pleased. Then you'd act up and need a little reminding of your place, he thought he could fuck the point across to you but spanking had yeilded better results already. He bit his lip as you curled your fingers around the elastic of your leggings and pulled them down slowly revealing a red bottom. His cock jerked. Fuck that was- there was something sexy about your meek demeanor doing as you were told, pulling your own bottoms down and showing off a beautiful round blistered little ass.

Once the bottoms where at your knees Kal moved forward grabbing them and yanked pulling them completely off. You moved to lay down as he had been ordering you to but he caught your tender ass in his hands you whined when he did, his hand caressed your sore bottom reminding you of his ownership.

"Now if you'd been good you would be allowed to lay back and be ravished nicely I'd make you cum before fucking you.... But now your not ,oh no now your in for a harsh fuck-getting a fucking with a sore ass!...I'm sorry love but this is for your own good,you have to learn mate" he moved a hand across your back fisting it in your hair and tugged craning your neck back you whimpered tears falling from your eyes and you pleaded trying to reason with him.

"K-kal I'm sorry please please don't hurt me- I don't mean to-"

"shh shh my love I know...I know its your human flaw...But you must understand you cannot fight me you can't fight this" he moved his hand in your hard releasing the tendrils and rubbed your scalp slowly with sting fingers almost lovingly.

"We-we can never be apart not now! I've mated you bonded to you on such a deep level, I just wish you'd understand...I love you! And I know you love me so why fight this? You could have everything human women ever dream of! A home, a husband and children! But you-why don't you accept that! Its what I'm offering you! What I want...Its what I'm OWED!" He moved his hands to your hips and brought you back against him his hard cock slipping between your legs running the top of it past your folds in slow fucking motions rocking you across him you cringed but bit you lip not wanting to provoke him further.

"After everything Ive been through!!..I you...You think growing up here was easy for me? Oh no I had to hide love! These powers they- I didn't understand what I was! I kept to myself was ridiculed bullied and cast out! For staying away protecting them!! Then as I grew it got worse! Alone traveling the only person I had was my human mother! Then I saved earth but it wasn't enough! ITS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!" As he spoke he began grunting slipping his hot throbbing cock between your labia ghosting your clit making you whine trying to move away but his hands held you controlling your motions as he pressed his head into your shoulders continuing he rambles letting go of some of the baggage.

"I was hailed a hero and fucking turned on when the bill came through!..I saved your race- your planet...Fuck I died! I DIED! To save you again broke my Mothers heart and even then you couldn't let me rest! All you humans do is take take take! Your spoilt and selfish...But now,its my turn!OH FUCK YES AUGH" he moved faster bringing a hand around your front moving to your swollen clit as much as you tried to resist him it was to much, his fingers plucked away at your little nub like a vibrator pulsing on your sensitive flesh before jerking it between his fingers pulling and pinching as his cock ran lengths over your now weeping hole. You grunted softly dropping your head low as your legs trembled under the pleasure you stomach clenching and tensing with his torturous movements, the walls of you cunt quivered contracting wetting his cock even more as it begged to be filled.

"That’s it-fuck yes that's it mate get me nice and ready~ nice and wet ready to fuck you full again~I will save you you know, save all of you again and again ,but I know I will still be told to leave! But I wont not when I'm finally finally given something! Something of my own! To cherish, To love! A mate! You you've given me the prospect of a family and love and acceptance if only you wasn't a human! Why did you have to be human?! You are being selfish just like the rest! But no more...You will not be a selfish woman any more my love~ I've seen your heart-you love and care and want everyone to be better~ I will save you, I will guide you to be better, we will be better~ you'll see!" You moaned as his fingers moved down to press his crown against your twitching muscles you jerked forward moaning crying out again

"NO! NO PLE-KAL PLEASE DON'T PLEASE IM NOT-IM NOT READY I DON'T WANT IT!" He growled grabbing you around your throat squeezing threateningly you gulp as he slowly closed your airways.

"Stay very still~ don't you move love its time~ time to do your duty-your job! Time for you to accept me and my seed to be full and dripping and claimed" you winced gasping for air his voice was different darker more menacing it frightened you more then anything he had ever done he sounded mad truly and utterly stark raving mad. In the panic you moved bringing both hands to his wrists for a second ignoring the thick shaft poised at your waiting hot core.

"K-kal? Kal your-ah fu-fuck I cant- kal breath!" You tried gasping out words to him, you were unable to breath properly fighting his grip for air especially when his hand returned to torment your clit flicking and twisting it almost harshly. You bucked whining unable to stop your grinding as he chuckled his hot breath fanning over you back. He moved leaning over your back harsh words whispered into your ear.

"You know I could just fuck you passed out~ it'd be easier." He chuckled kissing at your earlobe taking it between his teeth and sucking then released.

"But I wont~ I like the sounds you make when you try to deny your body...When you try to ignore my cock as it plunges into your hot little cunt splitting you open and lodges itself inside you spraying your insides drenching your womb until I'm certain no more can fit...Pumping you full like a little whore~" you moaned as  the head of his girth pressed at your opening instantly making your body lurch towards him. He chuckled and moved releasing your neck before you could catch your breath you yelped loud as he bucked forward spearing you back onto him. You clenched your fists into the covers below you embarrassed at how easily he entered you, your juices making his... journey much easier.  He left your clit alone but you still quivered this time around his cock that stretched your insides.

"AAAHH AH FUCK YES THATS IT! GOD GOOD GIRL...SUCH A GOOD MATE!" You whimpered as he pulled back and began rocking slowly making you feel every deep thrust as his head bounced off of your cervix, something you were now used to. You winced as he ploughed into you latching onto your neck suckling dark marks int to soft skin,  biting at your shoulders hard leaving the indentations of his teeth growling and grunting the whole way. You moaned as he tilted his hips and began rutting faster and harder you blushed hearing the wet slurping sounds as your sopping cunt fought to have him inside you. It made you feel sick

"Okay love see Uggghhh fuck yes that’s- oh fuck now remember deep breath one two THREE! Ahughh my god shit shit I'm there, I'm there! Fuck!" You hissed grunting painfully as on three he slammed you back jamming his cock past your tiny soft opening like he did every time he could and held still for a few moments. He caught his breath hissing you simply stayed still at this point what will be will be. You gasped when he began his assault humping and fucking you hard and fast there was no messing around he wanted you full, to cum again and again inside your womb. A man on a mission you squeaked as each thrust of his hips made him slap against your hot bottom his thick thighs punishing you out side as his cock brutalized your insides. It was a terrible mix of pain and pleasure as his heavy full sack swung hitting your engorged clit on each motion of his pistoning hips. He moaned louder and louder as you bit your lip you didn't want him to hear you cum. But you was going to! His body covering yours the sloppy kisses to your neck and the pants his growls in your ears as his cock toyed with your insides swelling and throbbing setting fires in your nerves you bucked back to him you couldn't help it! Maybe you were mates? Maybe that's why you couldn't resist him in the end?

You reared up as he got to much your body shuddering and tensing muscles feeling like they would snap under the pressure. He chuckled feeling you squeeze him trying to milk him.

"See?~ I told you in the end you know who you belong to~ now cum! Cum for me! Your mate your lover cum for your husband!" You did in one silent scream you bucked grinding back on him clamping down on his cock just as his balls tightened and released you shuddered whining as he held you firm against him his sack pressed tight to your little bud almost pinching it between your  two body's. He grunted through laughs looking down rolling his hips slowly making sure you got everything!

"Good...I will never get tired of this~ your body so tiny ans tight but perfect...Made just for me the perfect size for me to breed you~ I love you mate so so much and I will never let you go ever....Now just here move forward..." he shuffled forward kneeling on the bed and pulled you from your doggy position the held your legs spread wide over his knees cock still fully seated inside your core.

"There we go....Yes I know your all tired already just let me do it ...Right there we are stay!" And stay you did. He wasn't done once was never enough he would go as long as he pleased. It was only a few moments later he had sat his ass on the soles of his fee and began thrusting again holding your hips dragging you up and down his flexing thighs feeding you the length of his cock readying you for the second load of the night.

You wept silently into the covers as he moved your body to suit him ,separating yourself from the act trying to ignore the way his meaty cock dragged along your insides sparking the lustful tremors all over again, trying to drown out the sounds of his grunts and praise than and the sounds that escaped you every few breaths quiet gasps and mewls. It was hard but you knew you could blank all of this at least until you came again which you would, you always did maybe that what mates are? He could rape you and you'd still enjoy it? You cant deny the man made you cum again and again, he forced your body to accept him and gave you mind numbing orgasms. Is that what it meant to be mated by a kryptonian? To be raped and feel sick and ashamed of yourself,  to be a fuck toy! A brood mare! No you will not-you will not live your life serving this aliens sex slave fantasy....You were not sex on a shelf!

Clark looked at you as you curled up around the sheets pulling them to your lightly bulged stomach. You were beautiful the red hand prints for your spanking during your love making glowed a light pink and your skin was still decorated with his cum. You'd fallen asleep exhausted before you could run and wipe yourself down like you usually tried to do as soon as he was done.

He growled nostrils flaring this was how he liked you most, fucked out on the bed wearing his cum like a fucking perfume, proof of his love scattered in bites and bruises he had sucked into your skin and finally his hand prints littering your hips waist and arms, he had proven himself to be a strong male again; the perfect male to father strong and healthy children. There was a shiver down his spine that stopped right at his cock, yes he would be a perfect father and mate if only you could feel things like he did.

He growled when the scent of his cum got a little too strong moving to lean over you from above you from the head of the bed, he needed to check and make sure you held his seed long enough! you were curled on your side. He tutted the scent had spiked because you was leaking , he watched as a steady slow stream of creamy seed was escaping all over the sheets, he grumbled 'Its no use on the fucking bed!' he had no choice he had to move you.

You groaned in your sleep but other then that didn't stir he smiled he had done well today! You were in a deep sleep he sat up at the head of the bed legs together and settled you to rest on them, he pulled you up until your shoulders leaned on his abdomen sitting you up slightly then once settled he bent his legs feet flat on the bed taking you with them. He held your knees and pulled up curving you, angling your center up on his thighs. He wanted so desperately to keep you full, his need to breed you was almost painful.

He hoped that his plan will work, he had summarized that your failing to conceive was...well it must be a punishment! He had tried to force kryptonian life mate ideals onto a human, that would never work...No he had to have you as a human to, had to marry you then-then you would be fully his accepting him as your husband and fall pregnant! That was what human women did! What they were taught to do even the nursery rhyme 'First comes love, then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage!' The idea of children after marriage was so ingrained to young girls that it has to be the reason it must be it! He couldn't think of anything else.

He wasn't sterile! He can't be he was a strong fit healthy male and he wasn't shooting blanks either he-his it just never seemed to take. It must be some strange clause in the mating because he has had you so many times fucking you until your overflowing. 

He has been careful to hold you still like this to give you the best chance and to watch you making sure your not getting rid of him now...But it just something was wrong by all the times he has cum inside you, bypassing your cervix and flooding your womb he should have taken root! He sighed looking you over again sniffing the air, you weren’t leaking anymore he would hold you like this for a while longer then lay you down to rest himself. He didn't need sleep as such but there was something humbling about waking beside you, hearing your soft snores and for a moment all was right in his world. The sun peeking through the blinds, the glow lighting up the room and he could pretend he was waking beside his wife. Sometimes he would close his eyes smiling and listen to the heart beat of one of the neighbors and pretend it was that of his child in the other room sleeping soundly. He opened his eyes looking down at you with a soft grin kissing your head then placed his chin on your shoulder looking down to your slightly bulged stomach still full of him. Today was not the day. But he stayed still watching his seed hopeful.

You woke up the next day the sun peeking through the partially opened blinds letting streams of the golden rays flood into the room. You groaned back aching you twisted slowly realising why. Your hips had been placed on not one not two but three pillows tilting your weight to rest on your shoulders you were tilted quite far, causing your back to bow and curve as if you were leaning forward. You blinked waving your arms around still half asleep you heard a page turn beside you, grunting you rolled over to your side hissing at the knots in your back pulled.

Kal was lounging on his side curved around slightly looking down he was you reading?... He tilted his head scanning the page and spoke still not looking up.

"Morning love..Did you sleep well?" You scoffed

"No...My back hurts...did you keep me like that all night?" He chuckled at you a grin on his lips.

"Yes...I have to try and keep you full how else will I get the job done? You seem to enjoy thwarting my efforts.." he finally looked up at you.

"But..I understand, well I figured it out a few days ago actually...You know I love this picture...The day I found you" his smile was bright it unnerved you.

"What-what are you? I-is that the daily planet?!"

"Yes...I popped out and got it this morning there is a cute little piece on us~ right here" You scrabbled up onto your knees ripping the paper away from him.

"Hey I was reading that!" You quickly scanned the page he was on...Another article on the both of you, 'Children before Marriage? A first hand account from neighbor Mrs Ellis' fuck. You swore and cringed dreading what she was going to have said but had the paper pulled from Your hands by Kal.

"That’s enough of that love! Don’t need you getting worked up! Not with today's plans anyway....now up and at em shower then get ready we have a very special day ahead of us!" You slowly turned to him a sinking feeling in your stomach.

"Why-Kal whats going on? That article who wrote it? I don't understand whats it about!?" He opened his mouth and looked down to the words.

"Nothing much, just that we are trying for a baby already and a few tid bits from what I told the press yesterday that your my life mate and as a inter-species couple we are still finding our way! It would seem a Clark Kent had managed to sneak back and wrangle an interview! I don't really mind it clears up some confusion." You frowned but Kal just grinned and leaned over you, trying to avoid him you shifted back and fell to the pillows behind you he laughed and rolled over you.

"Mate as eager as you are to be beneath me now is not the time~ we are finally making us official!" He leaned in taking in a huge breath smelling you still not pregnant but ovulating with any luck tonight was the night he just had to tread carefully now until today was done no point in letting you act up when he took you out.

He moved kissing your lips opening his eyes letting the red seep into them the threat he now knew worked not that he'd ever do it but you didn't seem to know that , he moved his mouth opening and closing in a sloppy kiss coaxing you to obey and open your mouth. You were getting better slowly. He was looking forward to today, would there be a frenzy? Yes. Would he regret it absolutely not. He had mated you as a kryptonian, fucked and claimed you as he believed his own race does to their mates. Now it was time to mate you as a human complete your binding as life mates then maybe you will finally fall pregnant.

Today unbeknown to you was your wedding day. Kal suckled your tongue groaning as you whined pressing your hands to his shoulders pushing but he crawled up over you rubbing his hands on your legs then stomach. He pulled away leaving you breathless and smiled, he always did love seeing you flushed and panting, pride flooded him as he looked on at you. His mate, his lover and today you would become his wife!

"Now I want your hair up today....Curly but leave a few curls around your face.And secure! We are going flying" Flying? Good with any luck he'd fucking drop you on a telecom's tower and it'd put you out of your misery! Unaware of your morbid thoughts He moved back off of you completely and walked around the bed to the bath room you cringed watching his half hard cock swinging with each step...You wish he would get some other clothes here and cover up you didn't need to see the object of your torture every morning. You shuffled back clamping your legs shut tight after seeing his cock half hard. Kal looked down with a chuckle.

"No...not now love! Gosh you are an insatiable thing aren’t you~ no that is for later for now you just relax as I said today is a big day for you...For us now hurry up"

[zigtheeortega]

calm before the storm

✿ pairing: bryce x mc

✿ word count: 2.5k

✿ warnings: loss, death, funeral – angst.

✿ author’s note: i didn’t necessarily think that bryce was written ooc, but the whole post-funeral sequence was pretty weird to me. i’m someone who copes very similarly to bryce, so i could see myself reflected in him a lot. and i thought the s*x scene was very oddly placed so, here’s me warping canon again bc i’m dissatisfied! lmao hope u enjoy <3 also this fic is very close to me emotionally – i experienced two close deaths in april and june. 

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Since the moment his hands trembled amidst one of the most important surgeries of his life, Bryce was holding on by a thread.

With each half-assed joke he cracked, each wavering smile, each time he tried convincing others – including himself – that he was coping, he fell apart more and more.

The first night he went home after Spencer was quarantined, he trudged through the halls of Edenbrook, like he was dragging his legs through wet concrete. He was nearly magnetized to her bedside, not wanting to leave, but he needed to rest – he’d been awake for nearly a day and a half by the time he clocked out.

He blinked and he was back home. Couldn't remember how he got there. He was on autopilot and didn’t have a clue until he’d already wasted so much time. When night came, he couldn’t recall what he’d done that day.

The days between the diagnostics team finding a cure were torturous, the mere thought of not knowing what the future held – for the first time in his life – shaking him to his core.

He found himself paying close attention to Keiki. Each sarcastic quip, rude comment, or joke at his expense, he listened, soaking it up, no thoughts about the problem back in Hawaii. He whole-heartedly enjoyed her. Through one of the hardest times in his life, he was rekindling a relationship that never should’ve fallen apart.

The night he spent with Spencer, cuddled up next to her in his starchy hazmat suit, was the most daunting of them all. He was smiling and flirting with her, a little bit of his normal self shining through, but the crushing weight of his reality was distracting him.

This could be the last time that you see her smile.

God, he knew he had a killer smile of his own, but hers put the whole damn sun to shame. Her grin lit up her whole body, like every atom in her body was in it. And despite her sunken in eyes, her pale, sickly appearance, she still emitted those same infectious rays that he was eager to soak up.

This could be the last time that you hold her.

He curled himself around her, spooning her like he’d done a handful of times before. What he wouldn’t give to have a faceful of her hair again, the tropical scent so familiar to him that he couldn’t help but associate the scent of coconut with her.

This could be the last time that you feel her.

He stroked her face with a gloved hand, wishing for nothing more than to feel her smooth skin beneath his fingertips again. He pressed into her, hoping she could feel his warmth through the thin layer of fabric.

When her eyelids finally fluttered shut, overcome with exhaustion, his mind wandered to the possibility of it all being over.

And he couldn’t cope with that.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to.

When the treatment worked, and both she and Rafael were cured, it was the first time in months he’d experienced genuine joy. He didn’t know what higher power out there was looking out for him, but he silently thanked the universe for looking out for her. And for putting her in his life, and decidedly keeping her there.

The funeral was too much for him.

Seeing the two caskets, sealed tight, the endless arrangements of flowers, the sea of black clothing… it was overwhelming. Foreign. Like he was intruding on something so intimate that wasn’t meant for him to see.

And the sounds. He’d never forget it. Choked sobs from every angle, constant sniffling, a sporadic wail. The atmosphere made him antsy. His suit was itchy, his shoes were uncomfortable, and he was surrounded by grief.

Both Danny and Bobby meant a lot to Edenbrook, but it was nothing compared to what Spencer meant to him.

He must’ve slipped into auto-pilot (again), because before he knew it, the funeral was over, and he was outside of her apartment.

Wordlessly, he wrapped her in his arms, burying his face in her shoulder, the smell of her shampoo enough to bring him to tears. He was so fucking close to losing that forever. His free will to kiss her, to touch her, to hold her.

She invited him in, and every step to her room felt like each string that held him together was snapping, his sutures buckling under the weight he carried.

He was digging deep, trying to pull any kind of genuine quip from within him, to maybe – just maybe – convince Spencer he was okay.

But did he want to keep her in the dark?

Opening up was so fucking hard for him. Either he was a burden or he was let down by the people he confided in.

Trustworthiness was hard to come by, and Bryce knew that. That’s why Spencer was the first to know about Keiki, about his parents, about him. Not entirely, since he wasn’t ready for that just yet, but he was getting there.

It was a slow process, and he revered Spencer’s patience. Not once did she get upset with him for not sharing every detail.

And he almost fucking lost that.

His torturous inner monologue that he worked so hard to bury showed up when Keiki did. Guilt ate him alive, anxiety gnawed his insides, and regret feasted on whatever was left.

His mind was a hurricane, angry waves crashing painfully against his subconscious, the storm surge from his repeated trauma more than he could handle alone.

The one person he should’ve let in was almost taken from him, ripped from him like a surfboard after a wipeout.

He was drowning, and he flicked away the only hand that was outstretched for him.

And he almost fucking lost her.

The moment Spencer’s brows furrowed at whatever unconvincing mask he had plastered on his features, he broke.

His throat ached and flexed as he tried to choke back the tears, but he just… couldn’t.

Fuck, you’re so weak. He cursed at himself as the tears started flowing, warm streaks trailing down his bronzed skin, vision blurred like his head was under water. This isn’t about you.

The one time deflection was warranted, he broke down into a blubbering heap at her feet.

Like the angel she was, Spencer coaxed his body towards the bed, settling him against the down comforter before his legs buckled beneath him.

She gathered him in her arms, holding him exactly like he needed (like he wanted, but he didn’t want to admit it out loud).

She held him like he held her – like it was the last time.

The revelation tore him up inside, knowing she’d never take a second of their time together for granted again.

He pulled back, running a shaky hand through his hair, loose strands clinging to his damp forehead.

“I normally can hold it together better.” “You don’t have to do that around me, Bryce. You know that,” she encouraged, eyes still red-rimmed from the funeral.

“You’re the one that almost died, and I’m sitting here crying letting you comfort me,” he laughed through a sob, bouncing his leg on the ground nervously.

“You watched me almost die,” she whispered, squeezing his hand. “You’re allowed to be upset.”

His chin wobbled, and he rolled his lips to mask it. He took a shuddering breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “Spencer, I – have you ever…” He trailed off. Why was this so fucking hard?

“Have I been through this before?”

“Yeah,” was all he could manage.

She nodded. “Have you?”

“No.”

She nodded again.

“It’s making me think about my life… and the people in it. And things I could’ve done differently… better.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I saw you in that room, after the gas started affecting you, and your face… it –” he bit his lip to hold back a soft sob. “It got me thinking about everything that we didn’t do.”

“Bryce…” she laced her fingers in his, rubbing her thumb methodically over his skin.

“We’ve barely seen each other this year, Spencer. I got caught up with Keiki, and trying to figure shit out, and –” he searched her eyes, tears welling up again. “When I saw you in that room, nothing else mattered.”

“More than one thing can be important to you –”

“You’re important to me, Spence. You deserve better than what I’ve given you this year,” he shook his head, tears spilling over. “I can’t lose you.”

“You aren’t losing me, Bryce. I’m right here,” she practically cooed, trying her best to soothe him.

“I shouldn’t be the one being comforted right now. Please,” he whispered.

She pulled back, scooting backward onto the bed to cross her legs, as he stood up, pacing.

“It’s like I’m fucking up left and right with the people who matter to me,” he fisted his pockets, avoiding her eyes as he strode across the room.

“You of all people should know that you can’t take the blame for things that are out of your control,” she murmured softly, tugging at a loose string at the hem of her dress.

“I know I can’t control it and that’s why it makes me want to tear my fucking hair out,” he said through gritted teeth, biting back tears. He didn’t want to cry anymore, but his body had other ideas.

“Bryce, you couldn’t have stopped a bursting gas canister. Nobody could’ve stopped it.”

“That’s not what I’m frustrated over. I’m… I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick and making this about me. There’s a lot going through my head right now,” he laughed humorlessly, stopping in the middle of the room directly across from the bed.

“Talk it out with me. I’ve got time,” she smiled encouragingly, folding her hands in her laps politely, like the angel she was.

God, sometimes he was thankful for his parent’s demonic behavior, because if not for the bad karma the Lahela’s accumulated, there’s no way in hell the universe would’ve balanced itself out by placing an angel like her in his path.

“On the one hand I’m angry at myself for not spending time with you like I should’ve,” he chewed his lip for a second, trying to gather his thoughts, before speaking again slowly. “I could’ve lost you and I was more worried about keeping secrets from everyone and dealing with shit on my own, you know? Which I never should’ve done.”

“But you didn’t and still don’t have to tell me anything. You’re allowed to have boundaries,” she interjected calmly.

“But maybe… maybe I don’t want that anymore,” he shrugged out of his tux jacket, draping it over the back of her desk chair as he spoke. “You still barely know Keiki. I barely know Keiki. And I holed myself up when you were waiting there with open arms. I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t want to burden anybody? I don’t know.” He repeated, downplaying his own self–realization.

“And I’m frustrated because I don’t… know how to deal with this,” he gestured around the room, then to himself. “How to wrap my brain around all of it. This was the first time I lost anybody like this.”

“I wasn’t even super close to Danny and Bobby,” he continued, shoving his hands in his pockets to calm his shaking hands.

“Losing people is always hard. Doesn’t matter how close or distant you are to somebody,” she said, trying to hold his eyes, but he could barely look at her.

He’d never opened up like this before. He was so vulnerable… so exposed, and he was afraid. Afraid she’d run away. That she’d bolt the second he plopped his thick suitcases filled to the brim, nearly bursting with emotional baggage from the past two decades.

“I’m sad about losing them, definitely, and going to a funeral for the first time in my life really fucked with my head but… fuck, I’m gonna sound like such an asshole,” he willed himself to look up from his shoes, staring intently at her. “None of that even comes close to what I felt when I thought I’d lost you.”

“Kyra was hanging on by a thread while I thought you were –” he choked, pressing his lips in a firm line to stop his sobs, which escaped through his nose in short breaths instead.

“I’ve never felt pressure like that. And my life has been nothing but pressure.” The words were freely flowing from him, like a dam held together by a few twigs, snapping to release a flood that neither of them anticipated.

“You had to run towards your problems, not away from them,” she whispered, like she wasn’t sure if he’d agree. But the moment the words left her lips, it was like the puzzle pieces fell into place for him.

Maui should’ve been his safe haven, but from the moment his parents were exposed in every form of news throughout Hawaii, he was itching to leave. The island fever settled into his bones and never left. It was an ever present anxiety he struggled with despite finding a home in Boston, Edenbrook, and Spencer.

When shit went down back home, he ran. When people found out who he was states away from the fallout, he ran. It was predictable, methodical, like an appendectomy. The same muscle memory that sliced skin and fastened sutures with delicate precision pumped his legs until he was as far away from his problems as he could get.

“Everytime I lost somebody, it was because I chose to. This time it was like something was being ripped away from me, and I couldn’t handle it,” Bryce said, a profound statement that caused a pained whimper to escape his lips.

“Bry…” She breathed, scooting to the edge of the bed, gently tugging at his shirt sleeve to pull him down to sit on the comforter.

“You don’t have to have all the answers right now, alright? And you don’t have to carry all of this alone. I’m here. You’ve got all of us,” she said, motioning towards the walls of the apartment. “Sometimes just letting it out can take the weight off your shoulders. And you’ve got a heavy load, Bryce.”

She rubbed soothing circles on his back, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I’m not leaving you.”

He held her eye, doe-eyed gaze piercing – Spencer could see right through him, and god did he love feeling seen.

There was nothing he could say to thank her properly for putting aside her feelings to listen to him for a few minutes. Those few minutes where he unleashed a small portion of the shit he’d been building up for years.

So instead he did what he’d been craving since the moment he saw her behind the glass.

He pulled her into a frenzied kiss, pouring every part of himself into the embrace, wrapping him in her arms like she belonged there, as if he was saying “I’m not leaving you, either. You’re safe now.”

––––

taglist: @pixeljazzy ; @raleiighcarrera ; @senatorraines ; @felix-hauville ; @violinet ; @empressazura ; @serafinedupont ; @messofakind ; @altairadtaz ; @hudush ; @solarbridge ; @adriansbiss ; @bellarxse ; @havennly ; @writinghereandthere ; @levineseth ; @lahellacute ; @michellesnguyen ; @kelseaaa ; @natesewels ; @lucas-koh ; @rainesenator ; @montjoy ; @bryceslahela ; @crestfallenpixie ; @dudebro-lahela ; @ezekielbhandarivalleros ; @lgbtiangley ; @part-of-the-circus ; @nazariolahela ; @hazel-nguyen ; @la-huerta ; @adamdusmortain ; @thepotatobleh ; @distinguishedsaladoperawinner ; @bobbymckenzie ; @catsomi ; @neptunesascendant ; @pixelsandkink

[if i missed you, i wasn’t able to tag your url! i tagged anybody who interacted w the post so if you want to be removed please let me know]

[realm-sweet-realm]

A one-off request for @lonelyghostwriter: a story about Joey introducing Henry to the more innocent side of magic. This is just a goofy, whimsical ball of fun, and Joey x Henry is implied. This is the last one-off before I’m finishing “The Angel of the Ink Machine.”

The Boris had come out perfect.

The Boris had come out perfect!

And then it had decked him and run away to God knew where, but it had come out perfect! Joey was ecstatic. All he had to do now was hunt the creature down and make a few more and his dream would be fulfilled! And in the meantime, he had one more dream that he needed to fulfill, one that concerned his dear partner, Henry.

Despite sharing so much of his life and soul with Henry, he’d always kept the magic secret from him. He’d moved nearly all his supplies into the studio when Henry had moved in. Even the spell he needed to do regularly to keep disease at bay, he completed before Henry got up in the morning, with a pentagram hidden under the carpeting in their closet. But seeing their cartoon creations brought to life was worth the risk of scaring him- and anyhow, Joey Drew had planned how he’d do this years ago.

After dealing with Buddy’s body and before coming home that night, Joey made calls to Allison and Sammy. It was late, and in the excitement he’d forgotten that he’d fired Allison out of anger mere hours ago. Thankfully he’d been able to bribe her into one more session of potion-making. Sammy hadn’t picked up at all, but Joey could make do without him.

---

Henry woke up, far too early, to Joey shaking him awake with a big smile on his face.

“Huh? What is it?” Henry asked.

“I have a whole day planned for us. Get up! We’re meeting Allison soon. There’s something- a lot of somethings, actually- that I need to show you. You have an hour to get ready. Alright?”

“Uh, okay!” Henry was kind of used to Joey being full of surprises. He was fairly sure this would be a good one- they usually were. Within an hour, he was in the passenger seat of Joey’s car.

Joey took a deep breath. This would be the difficult part- admitting all he’d been hiding from Henry for the past few years. “So, Henry... you know how I tell you that Sammy and I go bowling together? Well, that’s not entirely true. Sammy and I share a hobby, but it’s one I didn’t know how to explain to you without showing it to you, and... anyhow, we perform magic together.”

Henry didn’t miss a beat. “Oh. Okay, the thought of Sammy doing stage magic is pretty strange. But it seems right up your alley- why did you hide it from me?”

“It’s not stage magic. And you’ll see why later.”

“Oh. Um.” Henry wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Great. I can’t wait!”

A while later, they pulled up to a lovely brick house on the outskirts of town. Over the short wooden fence, Henry could see a lovely hutch of three rabbits. The garden had a lot of browning plants in it that clearly weren’t getting enough attention. “Nice place- must have cost a lot to get one in this area. Who lives here?” Henry asked.

“Allison,” Joey answered, ringing the doorbell. “I borrow books and buy potions off of her. And we’re going to make potions with her today.”

Thomas opened the door, rolled his eyes and called for Allison before retreating into the garage. Then, Allison popped her head in.

“Hey, guys! Sorry to call you here so early. But you know- early is the only time you can get fresh morning dew, and for what we’re making, that’s pretty important.”

“Of course,” Joey said. “I brought everything we’ll need. Let’s get cooking!”

Henry had been put to the task of chopping up herbs as Joey mixed three strangely-labelled vials into a pot of boiling water and Allison was outside collecting morning dew and whiskers from her rabbits. He was pretty sure at this point that this was some bizarre prank. Hopefully there would be some kind of payoff to it and this wasn’t just a waste of a Saturday, but at least Allison seemed pleasant enough.

“So, where do you get crow’s blood from?” Henry asked, a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

“A crow!” It didn’t seem like a good idea to tell Henry about the black market- at least, not yet.

“Okay. So, what’s this potion supposed to do?”

“You’ll see,” Joey said cryptically, “this is actually a pretty powerful one.”

A few minutes later, everything had been added, and the potion had boiled for just long enough, according to Allison. She scooped some out into coffee mugs with a ladle and handed it out to Joey and Henry.

Henry stared down apprehensively at the unappetizing mix of herbs and hair floating in the clearish-brown substance. “What’s it going to taste like?”

Allison smiled. “About how it looks, I’m afraid. But go on, down the hatch. Oh, and the effect might startle you, but it isn’t supposed to last long, so just try to have fun with it.”

Henry did as he was told, and Allison took his cup. He started to feel... heavy, and off-balance, and dropped down onto his hands. All traces of red melted from his vision, leaving the world in tones of blue, yellow, and green. Joey ruffled his hair, and it seemed as though his skull was smaller and thinner than usual. He said something that Henry heard as gibberish. Then, Joey took a sip of his drink, handed the cup to Allison, and before Henry’s eyes, turned into a black lab.

Henry yelped and skittered backwards, and yelped again once he caught sight of his own paws. But Allison was laughing- she seemed unconcerned, and she had said that this was temporary. So, Henry rolled with it. Allison ushered the two of them into the backyard, where they played fetch. A while later, as Henry was trotting back to Allison with the tennis ball in his mouth, he felt his teeth dull and his center of balance change once again, and he spat the ball back onto the ground. Joey came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Well, Henry? Do you believe in magic now?” Joey asked.

“Yeah, it would be pretty hard to deny at this point.”

“Thank you. Because I have a whole lot else to show you.”

Joey returned to Allison. “And thank you! I’ll miss this, you know.”

“I’ll miss it, too,” Allison admitted. “I’ve never made a potion this advanced before- and I might not have much use for it, but imagine the kind of money I could make from this! Oh, and thanks for testing it for me.” Allison went quiet a moment. “Let’s keep in touch, alright?”

Joey weighed his bitterness with his desire to do just that. “Sure.”

With that, Joey and Henry got back into Joey’s car and they took off to their next destination.

“So... you’ve been doing stuff like that for years?”

“Well, yes and no. Allison is more of a specialist than I am. Unfortunately, the stuff I’m most into has a bad reputation, but I’m going to show you that it can be just as innocent as Allison’s potions.”

Henry nodded. After literally turning into a dog, he wasn’t even going to try and guess what Joey had in store. After a few minutes, Henry found himself gazing out at a wooded area on the edge of town. Henry figured that Joey must have been driving to another city, but instead he pulled over onto the side of the road and  ushered Henry into the brush, taking with him a bag. Finally, Joey reached a clearing and dropped the bag.

“This is the place,” he announced.

It was an untamed natural area, with no trails made through it. No one was likely to come out here. It wasn’t pretty either- just a dusty field surrounded by trees.

“Sammy and I spent our first few sessions here. I spent some of my first sessions here alone, too- learning to summon things. And now, I’m going to summon something for you. A demonstration.” Joey’s back was turned to Henry- he was scared of how he’d react.

Henry was beginning to worry- Joey sounded like he was trying to seem positive, but it wasn’t working.

“What kinds of things? And how?”

Joey met Henry’s eyes. Henry didn’t seem too afraid yet. Still, there was no easy way to explain this. “We summon spirits and Gods from the spirit realm using pentagrams. The spirit realm isn’t hell, spirits aren’t demons, and Gods aren’t the Christian God. No religion is right about everything. Spirits aren’t angels and demons- they aren’t fully good or evil any more than people are. But it’s the more reckless ones- the fast-and-easy-with-the-rules ones- that are likely to come when you’re summoning one. Pentagrams are like a ‘help wanted’ add for spirits and Gods. They have a job description, which are in the pentagram itself. Pentagrams are like writing in their language. And, they have an offering of pay. The sacrifice for spirits is generally flesh or blood. Tasks that are more difficult for them, you want to leave out more of a payment, or the ritual has a higher chance of failing- no one took the bait, basically. Or, someone did, but thought your offer was so insulting that they found a way to bungle it up. Gods… they demand a greater sacrifice. But summoning Gods is considered insane even by pentagram users. A spirit won’t escape unless your pentagram has line breaks, and there’s a limit to how much damage they can do. As for Gods, well… even I don’t know how to contain them, or the consequences of letting them escape…”

Joey broke his somber monologue with a bright smile. “So, wanna ask a demon to grab us some lunch?”

“Uh...”

“Okay, I know I made that sound scary. But I’ve... actually been doing a summoning ritual every morning to keep myself healthy for years. It’s no big deal.”

Henry smiled awkwardly. “Can I maybe just watch?”

Joey smiled back. “Sure.”

And so, Henry watched. Joey drew up a pentagram in the dirt, lit a candle in its center, and then slit his wrist and let his blood drop onto the pentagram.

Henry rushed to the bag and pulled out a first aid kit to tend to Joey’s wound. Henry had seen the scars on Joey’s right hand before, and had seen them seem to grow and stay fresh, but he’d never gotten the chance to really look at them before.

“Y’know, this is actually a huge relief. I mean, it’s a lot of things, but... Joey, I thought you were self-harming, and I didn’t know how to bring it up. I’m glad you’re not.”

Joey smiled. “Thanks. So, are you okay with this?”

“I mean, I guess so. It seems shady, but you aren’t harming anyone.”

“Good. Because I’ve been working with the Gods of the spirit realm, and with their help, I brought one of our cartoons into existence. And I didn’t want to hide the magic from you anymore because I couldn’t imagine leaving you out of something that big! The toon I made is a Boris. He’s scared, and hiding somewhere in the studio. After lunch, will you help me coax him out of hiding?”

Henry’s face was lit up with awe and disbelief. “Oh my God. Of course! I can’t believe this! Joey, you should have told me sooner!”

Joey could practically feel the weight of secrecy leaving his shoulders. He still had to keep the murders away from Henry, of course, but he didn’t mind that. The murders weren’t a part of him. Magic was. “Thank you. I should have known I could trust you.”

At that moment, the pentagram glowed, and a picnic lunch sprang up from the ground.

“Let’s go see what those demons sent us for lunch.”

[twc-thoughts-you-didnt-ask-for]

Bundle - Felix -

Okay, this took forever because of writer’s block (I’m so sorry) but after spamming UB parent hcs I have it in me to get work done. I really, really wanted to give Felix’s child their eyes but because it would be human I don’t think they can inherit them :’(

I am pretty nervous about this one since this is my first big thing since (hopefully) getting over my writer’s block. So hopefully it’s not too too bad. 

Here are links to the other parts: Adam / Mason / 

Fic under the read more, would love to hear any feedback you may have~

This was unfair, unjust, and undeniably a cruel and unusual punishment. 

Admittedly, Felix was not the most patient person in the world, he never pretended to be, but come on. 

“Felix, chill out, I feel like your excitement is rubbing on me and not in the good wa-”

“Mason, please, there is a child being born as we speak can you please not be grotesque for just one day?” Nate said, cutting Mason off while looking like he was in pain. 

“How could you not be excited? Or antsy? I barely had the strength to wait, like, nine months to meet the little guy. It wasn’t easy and now that the day is finally here... Well I don’t have it in me to contain myself much longer.”

At Felix’s verbalization of exactly what he was thinking, the impatience only got worse. They are now upgrading from fidgeting to pacing. 

“Aaaaaand,” Felix continued,” we’re getting a new member of our family today! A little mini detective. Show some enthusiasm, you perpetual grump.” 

“Have you considered that your child will be just like you and not the detective?” Adam asked from the place Felix deemed Adam’s “broody spot”. 

“First of all, it’s not my child, it’s our child. Second of all... uh... not really. It’s a lot cuter to think of them as a little detective, don’t you think? All freckly, shy, and cute? Oh, and the natural ability to just get a rise out of our dear leader too. Can’t forget that. It has to be a recessive gene, I would think.”

Adam visibly tensed.

Smoke plumed from where Mason sat. 

“You and the detective mixed together in the form of a child will no doubt be the thing of Adam’s worst nightmares before they even learn how to crawl.”

“No more smoking inside, Mason, that’s an order.” Adam interjected, clearly avoiding the topic of how much the little family would team up against him. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just like when we got the news that the detective was pregnant. I figured I would take advantage of this moment since she’s preoccupied and not here waddling around.” 

Oh. Oh no. Felix forgot about how the waddling would cease once the child was out into the world and he would genuinely miss it. 

There was something about the detective waddling around, heavy with his child, that was so captivating and endearing that Felix could have fallen in love with the detective all over again. Even without her being actively being there, the imagery of the memory was enough to make his heart so full that he could burst.

Nobody ever warned him about how deadly and cute the waddling would be. Like an arrow from cupid’s bow shot right through his heart. 

Felix couldn’t count how many times he had looked at Unit Bravo and the detective and just marveled. Was a third party to everything around him like he weren’t involved so he could just... bask in it. Nate was constantly reading baby books and was always at the ready to help the oh so swollen detective ease into a comfortable sitting position. Adam was making direct orders to ensure that the baby’s health would not be at risk in or out of the womb and was personally baby-proofing their living spaces to make sure it happened. Even Mason was following the strict new rules to a “T”, even the smoking ones, and could be persuaded to rub the detective’s aching feet rather easily. Especially when Dinah asked sweetly. Mason would moan and groan about it the whole time, but he did it nonetheless. 

Felix was there being the designated crier. He soaked up all the hormonal breaking points that the detective was supposed to have as the pregnant one. 

Even now, Felix could feel his eyes watering when he thought about his amazing life. This life of people who chose him. A place where he belonged and was accepted no matter what. Where love and loyalty was so certain, nobody ever had to question if it were there. You just knew. 

Felix felt so... blessed that he was able to give all of this to his child. This life that they were constantly building and adding on to. This type of life where you felt chosen- no questions asked. 

Felix interrupted whatever conversation the rest of his unit was having with a sniffle and a “I’m just so happy I have all of you and for all of you to be here” leaking out from his inner monologue. 

Mason scoffed, but it was one of his friendly ones that roughly translated to “duh”, Nate placed a reassuring hand on Felix’s shoulder that translated to “Where else would we be?”, and Adam had that stern look that translated to “We will always be together so why bother saying unnecessary things?”. 

Anything Felix might have said was wiped out of his mind as soon as he heard the shrill sound of a cry. 

Tears shoved to the wayside, Felix broke out into a massive grin and was about to make his way to the door if it weren’t for Nate’s hand still on Felix’s shoulder. 

“We really ought to wait for Elidor. He wouldn’t be please if you rushed in and-”

“Elidor loves me. What’s the worst that could happen if I show up just a teensy bit early?”

“You won’t win this one, Nate, just let him go.” Mason said from round two of his detective-free smoking opportunity. “We’ll wait to be summoned like the good, rule-abiding agents we are.” 

It was showtime. 

Felix did what he did best, go fast. He rushed to the room where the detective and their newborn was. 

...He did slow down as soon as he saw Elidor already standing outside the door, as if waiting for Felix, with his arms crossed and a disapproving look upon his face. 

“I knew you wouldn’t listen.”

Oof... to be caught immediately was a hit to the pride. Felix resorted to puppy eyes to get out of a lecture. 

“You know those never work on me. You’re lucky that I hold the detective in high esteem and that you just became a father. As congratulations, I will not berate you and let you go in and see the detective. The smell of her blood lingers... but I trust you.”

Felix almost hugged him, but definitely thought better of it before acting upon it. 

Entering the room, Felix zeroed in on the detective holding the tiniest little bundle that he felt like could not have caused how large she had gotten. She was enraptured in what was in the blanket, cooing and making little kissy faces, that Felix took the moment to secretly snap a picture of the sight that left him breathless. 

She was not allowed to know he had that or she would make him delete it. 

Dinah was sweaty, red, exhausted, had dried streaks of tears trailing down her face, hair an absolute mess, beautiful, amazing, strong, and impossibly his. 

He practically skipped to her side. 

“Hello, love of my life.” he said cheerily, encouraged by her giggling, as he pressed a kiss to her damp cheek. 

He looked into the bundle as he said: “Hello, love of my life #2.”

This baby was all Felix. Dark skin and a surprising amount of what was definitely Felix’s dark, coiled hair. Not a freckle to be seen and Felix had to hope that when the baby would open their eyes that the detective would be somewhere in there. 

Luckily the detective couldn’t question if the baby was even hers. 

“Well, isn’t he cute?” Dinah asked expectedly. “He looks just like his dad already.”

“Are you saying you think I’m cute?”

“Felix- I literally, and actively, made a child with you. I don’t think whether I think you’re attractive or not can be questioned.. Now please compliment the human I worked very hard on to make.”

“He is unbelievably cute, I’m a big fan of your work, but I was hoping for a freckle or two.”

“I’ll take a 4/5 star rating. I don’t think babies are usually born with freckles, so technically we’ll say you gave my work a perfect rating. And, who knows, maybe he’ll have a whole constellation across his face someday.”

Felix adored the sound of that. God, he loved just the idea of there being a “someday”. He just... he just....

Dinah reached to swipe under his eyes, confidently holding their baby in one arm.  

“Oh... my poor love... you know it breaks my heart to see you cry like this. Even if they’re happy tears. And I do hope those are happy tears.”

He didn’t even realize he had been crying. What a mess he had become and the rest of their lives hadn’t even started. This was literally the first moments of day one. 

“Of course they’re happy tears. God, what an amazing life we’re living. What an amazing world this is. What an amazing family I have. What an amazing love I’ve found...” 

And Felix went on like that for as long as she allowed him to. 

Felix was not a patient man, but when he looked at Dinah, their child, and he family he had found he wished that forever would slow down. That the days would never have an end. 

That he could enjoy this life that chose him for longer than even forever allowed.

[genderbinaryisforlosers]

everyone on the carte blanche for the ask meme

everyone? oh boy this is gonna get long ajfhdsf

JUNO

First impression: i, like a lot of people who get into the podcast without knowing a great deal about it, was expecting at most an ambiguously bisexual angst machine with a closely-guarded heart of gold. juno being an explicitly bisexual genderqueer angst machine is perhaps the most pleasant surprise of my life. the angst machine heart of gold characters were kind of my type at the time, so i loved him right away

Impression now: every time i think about juno’s arc from depressed mess held together by bad coping mechanisms, safety pins, and a few good strong puns into someone who can talk about his feelings, feel comfortable about being happy, and recognise when he needs to change, i want to cry about it a little bit. the depth of my love for juno steel has only grown along with him

Favourite moment: juno has a lot of great one-liners and i’m still a big fan of the “on the other hand i wasn’t wearing a watch” bit and who can forget such classics as juno finally deciding to stop moping over nureyev and move on only for him to open the door to his apartment and find nureyev sitting in the dark dramatically, but honestly nothing will ever hit me harder than his sudden, pissed-off declaration of “i can’t die yet, i still have shit to do!” in promised land. god.

Idea for a story: oh i have so many and i want to write most of them so no spoilers, but juno accidentally kidnaps a baby during a carte blanche heist and shenanigans ensue

Unpopular opinion: obviously we all know he’s dummy thicc but i feel like a lot of people forget he’s an actual genius, like the stuff he notices and how he strings it together is sometimes so obscure and he’s almost always right. oh, also juno is not skinny and i will not be taking criticism on that

Favourite relationship: this is so tough because every dynamic is so good, but i think it has to be juno and rita. those two are so good! the best best friends in the world!! i’m really a sucker for any dynamic that’s ridiculously in-sync so i loved these two as soon as juno saw rita’s notes in prince of mars and went “makes perfect sense to me” (which it probably didn’t, because rita, but he trusted that she knew what she was doing which is the important part)

Favourite headcanon: this isn’t really a headcanon but i still think about how juno is (was?) deathly afraid of heights but when he heard rex glass coming he still attempted to climb out of the window. either his aversion to working with dark matters/other people in general was so strong is overrided his fear, or his office was actually on the ground floor. not sure which of these is funnier.

NUREYEV

First impression: we’ve all seen the memes about nureyev knowing juno steel for one (1) day and deciding to Risk It All by leaving him with his name, look at this Hopeless Romantic, this utter DISASTER of a homosexual. the fact the very next time we hear from nureyev (at least directly) he’s patiently waiting in juno’s dark apartment to surprise him with a heist definitely supports this image.

Impression now: even after literally being inside peter’s head, i feel like we didn’t get a real sense of who he is until man in glass, where we find out he aggressively compartmentalises everything that causes him stress. he’s also distinctly someone who’s had his heart broken before, i think, which makes those first appearances of his very strange. but it does remind me of what juno says about diamond, and how he decided to provide the trust first and wait for the trustworthiness to grow in (only to get severely hurt), and i think that’s exactly what nureyev did. i am also... very uneasy with how suspicious he’s behaving this season because obviously i want to believe he’ll sort it all out and not betray the crew but... oof

Favourite moment: the beginning of what lies beyond pt1 where he’s affectionately bullying juno into taking care of himself? cleared my crops watered my skin etc etc etc

Idea for a story: i’d love to hear more about his past as a young thief idolising buddy and vespa (i can’t actually remember if that’s canon or fanon but anyway i wanna read it!)

Unpopular opinion: i think people often cling to an image of him that more resembles his first impressions in season 1 instead of seeing the depth that we’ve been given about his character in season 3

Favourite relationship: him and juno but honestly it’s a close call between them and his budding friendship with rita. even though she learned it by accident, his name is still a point of intimacy and it’s one less secret to keep around her which has to be a weight off his shoulders, at least a little? they seem like they could be really good friends once ultrabots is out of the way. juno steel love (and also bullying) zone activates whenever they’re together

Favourite headcanon: i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - nureyev has never done a household chore in his goddamn life. he doesn’t know the water needs to be hot when you wash dishes.

RITA

First impression: honestly i’m not sure? i don’t remember having a big awareness of her in murderous mask but i remember loving her “note-taking” in prince of mars, i thought she sounded really fun and cute

Impression now: rita is really fun and cute, she’s also an extremely hardworking and dedicated woman who had the guts to throw in with a detective fired from the force and then invest all of her time and money into helping him help people.

Favourite moment: Rita Gets A Knife. enough said

Idea for a story: i don’t know honestly! i really struggle to write rita because her thought processes are so wild and i don’t think any story i could come up with would match mega ultrabots of cyberjustice.

Unpopular opinion: this shouldn’t be unpopular because juno steel himself shares this opinion but all future-jupeter headcanons are incomplete without rita also being a huge part of their lives

Favourite relationship: rita + franny 4ever obviously.. jk it’s juno & rita have you heard rita minute 3 they’re too adorable for this world. im still Soft over their conversation at the end of soul of the people when he said he couldn’t stay in hyperion anymore but he wouldn’t leave with the carte blanche if rita wasn’t coming because he was done leaving her behind, and she threw out all her hesitations on the spot and said call the big guy. speaking of, rita & jet are a close second. instant best friends i love them.

Favourite headcanon: i think this is basically canon now but rita being literally half the height of jet is so good

JET

First impression: “haha lorge funny man puts juno in the trash”

Impression now: jet sikuliaq is one of the dearest characters to me out of anything ever. he is a huge, menacing, polite, kind, sincere man who i would very much like to give me a hug. he’s the best aro ace in outer space and while being generally very levelheaded and straightforward, also takes every opportunity to fuck with juno because it’s very easy and very hilarious to him personally. he is everything my autistic acearo ass needed and i’m so glad to have him

Favourite moment: all of them every single one. him putting juno in the trash is of course a classic and every moment jet chooses to be funny makes my heart happy, but also every piece of genuine advice he gives. i’m a particular fan though of buddy recounting her years in the lighthouse and him saying he became concerned when she didn’t come downstairs at the usual time. “you took the door off its hinges.” “i was deeply concerned.” king of understatement

Idea for a story: again no spoilers for you but..... tools of rust time loop au

Unpopular opinion: this isn’t “unpopular” as much as it is unknown but jet is buddy’s queerplatonic partner and i will keep saying it until everyone believes it

Favourite relationship: jet and buddy,,, just everything about them. the way he suspects when she’s lying, the way she makes tea for him when she expects him to drop by. the fact he comes to check on her when she is 41 seconds late to the family meeting because it’s unlike her to be late and the last time she was late for something her brain was turning to radiation soup. but most especially the way she snaps at him to stay out of her business and he said he could not because he made her promise eight years ago to never stay out of the business of her health, no matter how many times she asked. they r literally in a qpr

Favourite headcanon: i don’t think this is true but i still think it would be funny if the ruby-7 used to be painted red but when jet got it he had it painted green because he Just Really Likes Green (as evidenced by his hovercycle). it’s very funny to me.

BUDDY

First impression: it’s been a minute since i relistened to time gone by but i’m pretty sure the first thing she ever says in the podcast is sliding up to depressed accidental whiskey thief juno and say “that’ll be ten million creds,” scaring the shit out of him, so needless to say i was in love instantly.

Impression now: my love for buddy aurinko has only grown and if it sounds like i already said that in this post it’s because i did about juno and it’s appropriate because the parallels are astounding. the heart of it all gave us such depth to buddy’s internal monologue and why she always sounds like she knows exactly what to say and what that’s like and honestly will i ever be over the heart of it all as an episode? unlikely. i think i’m gonna have a little piece of it in MY heart forever.

Favourite moment: everything she’s ever said is iconic as hell i especially like “in an impressive fit of hubris i’ve decided not to prepare my words for this vow” which made me laugh out loud but once again i must give it up for her iconic “I WANT TO LIVE” moment. honourable mentions to her taking rita out for ice cream and giving juno shooting lessons while she’s in her actual wedding gown. i love her

Idea for a story: buddy and vespa as sun/moon dieties.... that’s all

Unpopular opinion: stop drawing her with a fancy high-tech eye like the theia!! it canonically looks like garbage and it’s described in detail, please, i’m dying, also don’t minimise her scars you bastards

Favourite relationship: buddy and vespa invented romantic love and the entire carte blanche crew’s relationship to her is great but you know by now i’m a slut for buddy & jet out-of-this-world queerplatonic partners. the way she checks in on him during tools of rust to make sure he’s not relapsing and he comes to find her when she is 41 seconds late in the heart of it all to make sure she’s not having a heart problem!! it’s the trust,, the devotion,, the mortifying ordeal of being known

Favourite headcanon: she can sing. absolutely tears it up at karaoke. i’m right

VESPA

First impression: knife lesbian goes STAB. she will heal your wounds but she will be threatening to give you more the whole time

Impression now: she is extremely strong, heart-rendingly tender, and despite being in the older half of the carte blanche crew somehow has unmistakable little sister energy which makes her downright hilarious. i’m so glad she got to marry buddy and they’re official space wives now they’re so good for each other

Favourite moment: both from shadows in the ship, either “GUN!!” “KNIFE?!” (iconic) or when she clocks the dark matters drone pretending to be juno because it called her crazy and juno wouldn’t call her crazy. i’m always a sucker for “shapeshifter fails to fool mark because they Know Each Other Too Well” and it was just *chefs kiss* so good

Idea for a story: i really want to write something about when she was first staying at the lighthouse with buddy post-reunion, and getting to know jet and stuff. i think it would be cute

Unpopular opinion: i know vespa doesn’t canonically have lots of scarring but people who don’t draw her with scarring? cowards.

Favourite relationship: once again, although buddy and vespa invented romantic love, i just love the dynamic between vespa and juno so much. they’ve come so far with each other and their weird sibling dynamic gives me life. at the end of what lies beyond when juno says “we’re not gonna kill her, vespa” and instead of sounding full of Rage and Suspicion she’s like “whyyy notttt?” and he’s like “because i said so!” and that’s just good enough for her even if she’s a bit grumpy about it. i love it.

this took.. a hot minute to do! jshkfjsdgsa thank you dyl ily <3