#I’ve had her for a while I’ve just had the worst lack of motivation | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

universitypenguin · 2 years

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Hiya! I love how good your writing is! I have a question but there’s no pressure to answer! First off, your work is amazing and it makes me excited to get a notification that you’ve posted again!!!

I was wondering how all the staff at the firm feel about Lloyd and Princess? Are they all like the staff in Beauty and the Beast and hoping for a happy ending? Or are they all just disturbed by the palpable sexual tension? I just gotta know the office gossip.

Lotsa love !!!

🥰🥰🥰

Summary: Perspectives on how all the major side characters in “The Princess and the Lawyer” view Lloyd and Princess’ relationship.

Word Count: 3,395

Author’s Note: The person who asked this probably thinks I’ve forgotten about it. That’s absolutely not true. As a matter of fact, I’ve thought a lot about this ask. It’s helped me dive into the backstory of my characters. It took me a month to reply because I was so determined to get the characters motivations and personalities just right. Thank you for such a wonderful ask!

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Zach Hightower

Zach approves of Lloyd and Princess’ relationship.

He just has a few concerns about Lloyd’s emotional stability. He knows for a fact that Lloyd is reformed. That’s the original reason that he looked him up when he was released from prison - to check out his alleged ‘progress.’ Zach is an incredibly loyal person and he’s very patriotic. He was concerned that Lloyd was still dangerous, not just to others, but to the United States as a whole.

For his own peace of mind, he needed to know his alleged rehabilitation was genuine. When he discovered that post-prison Lloyd was a much different person they became close friends. However, Zach has seen the worst sides of Lloyd. Because he was the embedded intelligence officer on Zach’s team, he knows exactly what Hansen is capable of. He knows that Lloyd was bloodthirsty and ruthless. Having never felt that kind of craving for violence, he treated his then co-worker like a bomb that could go off at any moment. And he kept tabs on him. On some level he’ll always think of Lloyd as a wild card, even if he’s proven himself to be reformed.

In regards to Princess, Zach thinks of her like a younger sister. He worries about her tight bond with Lloyd. His mercurial, temperamental nature, balances nicely with Princess’ more level headed and sensitive personality. The issue is that if at some point, Lloyd does something unhinged, she’ll get hurt in the crossfire. Zach sees the potential in Princess. He’s worked to sharpen her interrogation skills and bring out her emotional intelligence. He admires her ability to empathize with a subject without losing focus on the objective of the interview.

So, while Zach approves of Lloyd and Princess, he’s uneasy as to whether Lloyd is healthy enough to be in a serious relationship.

Jake Jensen

Jake is oblivious. He’s noticed the chemistry between you and Lloyd, but it hasn’t exactly registered. When Zach and Landon made a bet as to whether Lloyd and Princess would get together this year, he took it as a joke. Amused by his lack of awareness, they don’t tell him differently. Because he’s attracted to Princess, a lot of things escape his notice about her and Lloyd.

Jake’s interest in her is based on her focus, her warmth, and sense of humor. In a word, his feelings towards her could be summed up as “admiration.” He wishes he could have her innate confidence, which is incredibly sexy. Meanwhile, Landon and Zach have known all along that Lloyd had the hots for Princess. They also know that Jake doesn’t stand a chance. Nor does he *really* want one. He clicks with her and enjoys her humor, but subconsciously, he knows they aren’t a good match.

Landon McAnnay

Landon is amused by the dynamic between Lloyd and Princess. He tries not to show how invested he is in their relationship, but it’s just so entertaining. It’s like having a soap opera playing in the background at work. You have to binge watch every episode. And because Zach is such a gossip, he never has to worry about being out of the loop.

A fun fact about Landon - he’s a romantic. He pretends to be a guy’s guy but deep down, he’s a sweetheart. His relationships have all been long term and serious. Having a good relationship with his partner is a top priority for him. Watching Lloyd and Princess, he sees that same longing for love and companionship in the ex-spy.

One day, not long after Princess started dating Aiden, he makes a bet with Zach. Over post-golf beers, they place odds that Princess and Lloyd will get together before Halloween. Further negotiations stipulate that he believes it will have to be Princess who initiates the change. His rationale is that Lloyd has less experience putting his heart out there and Princess is more likely to jump in headfirst.

As usual, he’s right. He just wishes he’d laid odds on them getting together before Labor Day. That would’ve netted him a fantastic profit. Truly a missed opportunity.

Andy Barber

Andy Barber is against their relationship.

He detests Lloyd’s arrogance and sneering attitude. Before Princess was in the picture, he and Lloyd couldn’t get along for five seconds, let alone several hours. Out of everyone at Bishop & Howard, Andy benefited the most from Princess taming the beast. That’s why he recognized the chemistry between them so quickly.

An important piece of data here is that Princess is the same age Jacob would’ve been if he hadn’t died in a car accident. That’s a huge reason Andy feels so strongly about her and Lloyd. Princess is too young for him. He’s a convicted kidnapper! He spent his first two years at the firm wearing an ankle bracelet! Andy hopes Princess realizes that she’s out of his league and doesn’t give him the time of day.

As a prosecutor and a defense attorney, Andy’s spent a lot of time with criminals. He knows how charming they can be and worries about his young colleague. He sees the hunger flash in Lloyd’s eyes at Princess’ casual touches. Worse, he notices that she’s frequently oblivious to the sexual tension Lloyd exudes in those moments. Then, after a few months, he realizes she’s every bit as interested in Lloyd as he is in her.

It’s like watching a tiger hunting a baby deer. The tiger gets closer, and closer, while the fawn doesn’t comprehend the danger it’s in.

He cares about Princess. He’s thankful for her ability to wrangle his temperamental colleague. In the months after joining the team, Princess put a stop to the worst of Lloyd’s behavior. Andy’s been a lawyer long enough to know how rare it is to find someone who can mediate well. It takes a certain kind of personality.

Six months later, Andy’s perspective shifts.

He starts to see Lloyd as less of a predator. You’ve trained Lloyd in the arts of empathy, tact, and persuasion. Andy can work with him, even when you’re not around. And to be fair, Lloyd is a genius. He’s able to discern the complexities of an argument that would take others weeks to unravel. It stings to admit it, but the rate of his clients being acquitted has increased significantly since Lloyd began assisting him with trial prep.

Without the disdain that used to blind him, Andy starts to see Lloyd differently. Less like a tiger, and more like a stray dog who wasn’t properly socialized as a puppy. With more patience than anyone he’s ever met, you manage to increase the number of people who accept Lloyd’s quirks. You create situations that put Lloyd in the best light. You highlight his strengths and cover up his weaknesses. In less than a year, you turn Lloyd from the pariah of the firm into the most sought after consultant in the company. He works with every department, from the patent office to family and estate law. Lloyd seems to have evolved; from a junkyard dog into a devoted protection animal who loves his mistress. He’s like an abused mutt who imprinted on the first person to show him kindness.

Andy makes a hobby of studying the dynamic between you and Lloyd. He can’t help it. You’re the quintessential odd couple. You’re sensitive. He’s cold-blooded. You’re calm, he’s chaotic. Your optimism counters Lloyd’s cynicism. You brush off negativity and can’t be bothered by the passive aggressive behavior of the people who remain set against Lloyd. He notices that the most. Several of your friends in the paralegal department still resent Lloyd for his previous behavior. You remain friends with them and chip away at the lingering animosity. Lloyd’s improved reputation acts like a positive feedback loop. He enjoys the praise and recognition. This realization helps Andy see a key feature in your relationship with Lloyd.

It’s not the praise and recognition of others that Lloyd enjoys. He has no interest in raising his coworkers' opinion of him. But he pants after your attention like a dog hoping for a treat. It’s difficult to identify, because Lloyd doesn’t just hide his emotions, he disguises them, and lies about them without qualm. But eventually, a pattern emerges.

What Andy sees, which no one else does, is that you created the pattern.

He finally figures out that you’ve trained Lloyd to respond to certain cues. You picked up on the words he uses to describe positive and negative situations. There are certain words that only come up when Lloyd is being an asshole. You gently reminded him of the potential consequences of his actions and temper his impulsive nature.

Lloyd would bristle and dig his heels in if anyone else tried to manage him in such a way. But when you express concern, show him patience, and provide encouragement… Lloyd turns into a different person. He doesn’t know it, but you’ve trained him like one of Pavlov’s dogs.

When Andy learns that you practically raised your four siblings, he understands. Having been a parent himself, and reading extensively on the subject, it’s obvious what you’re doing. You’ve created limits Lloyd actually listens to. Refusing a meeting with someone just because he finds them boring isn’t allowed. You’re in tune with Lloyd’s motivations and the feelings he tries to disguise and repress. You know him inside and out. Andy wonders how much data you’ve filed away in your brain about ways to push Lloyd’s buttons. You measure motivations, and ask questions to test your judgments. You listen. Because of it, Lloyd feels understood, and it makes him crave your presence and approval.

At the Christmas party that year, he watches you throw yourself into Lloyd’s arms and plaster yourself against him. What surprises him is that the man doesn’t take advantage. His hands don’t wander. He gets you a glass of water and collects your wrap from the coat check. Watching Lloyd carefully guide you over the icy steps of the venue as you leave together, it occurs to Andy that he much prefers this junkyard dog when his tamer is around. You’ve slipped a collar around Lloyd’s heart, and everyone is safer for it.

Maybe you could handle him… Maybe.

Clayton Bishop

Clayton saw the potential of a successful combination between you and Lloyd before you even met.

After a long career in law and politics he’d developed an instinct about people. Bishop is a bonafide extrovert who gets his energy from meeting new people and learning about them. Take Lloyd Hansen, for example. Once his most creative student, the former spy was becoming a bore. He was struggling under the pressure of too much therapy and too little enjoyment. The bright side was that Lloyd was finally sober. Bishop had hoped the sobriety would stick, and it had. The problem was that Lloyd had become more turbulent than ever. He was frustrated by the red tape he’d never learned to deal with, despite attending law school. Who could have imagined Lloyd was better on drugs than off them?

Bishop had always had an issue with drugs. They made a person easy to control and exploit. Lloyd’s drug problem was why he hadn’t recruited him to the firm after he graduated. The substances he abused ruined a person’s health and turned their brain into sludge. Lloyd’s brain must be remarkably resilient, given everything he’d poured into his system over the years.

It was a conundrum. He needed Lloyd sharp, but sober. He didn’t know how to soften his rough edges without him falling off the wagon. Therapy was necessary and it did appear to be working. Not fast enough for his coworkers’ job satisfaction to recover to pre-Lloyd levels, but he was slowly changing. Bishop could hardly reconcile the Lloyd Hansen he’d taught twenty years ago with the current version. The only similarity left was the intelligence, drive, and unfortunately, the abrasive, pushy attitude that so many people found off putting. He knew he had to come up with a solution to the friction between Lloyd and well… everyone else. If he couldn’t, this parole arrangement wouldn’t work out.

Then one day, the solution walked into his office.

Bishop ran a large internship program. He had a knack for identifying talent and enjoyed meeting new people. That meant recruiting the semester’s interns was one of his favorite projects. He cleared his afternoon schedule for an entire week, and did each interview himself. Recently, all of his interns seemed to have the personality of a boiled carrot. It was absolutely killing his vibe. He needed open minded people who had the right energy. Ones who were comfortable challenging him, but who respected the value of a harmonious workplace. Some of the applicants these days didn’t see the difference between compromising and forsaking their morals. No matter how small the issue, they were the first to stand on ceremony by holding their ground at any cost.

Then he met you. His first impression was that you were shy, but intelligent and motivated. He hired you on the spot. It took a few weeks before your true colors shone through. He took a liking to your lack of pretentiousness. He appreciated that on the occasions when you had something to say, you communicated it clearly and directly.

After the orientation, where all the interns cycled through the departments to learn the ropes, he arranged their placements. Bishop took a risk by placing you on the paralegal team. It was a test. Their group was notoriously cliquish and vengeful. He had a dozen resumes of good applicants for the open position in their department. However, he was afraid of putting someone into their complicated team dynamic and having them crushed.

At the moment, the paralegals were set on crushing Lloyd Hanson. Bishop couldn’t blame them. The man was making their lives hell. The paralegals called Lloyd demanding, unreasonable, and rude. He called them querulous, uncompromising, and surly. They were right. Everyone in the conflict had an accurate understanding of the problem, but they refused to compromise.

He had to be honest - it was fun to watch sparks fly as the immovable object struck an unstoppable force. But the stalemate was becoming a company-wide irritation. Placing you with the paralegals was an experiment. He’d noticed you liked to watch people interact and studied them. You took in their words, actions, body language, and motivations. You empathized with people once you understood them. Your capacity for empathy and compassion was highly unusual. Combined with a sense of humor that made you a pleasure to be around, you became quite popular amongst the paralegals.

Heaven knew, those women could be a tank of piranhas if you didn’t know how to fit into their group. He’d been bitten more than once. Bishop watched you smooth Savannah’s ruffled feathers over a brief Andy had returned with corrections. You organized a mail system to handle the annoying chore the paralegals always let pile up. You cheerfully went on coffee runs and scored an invite to join their lunchtime walking group. Within a matter of weeks you’d won over the whole team.

Bishop observed these events and realized that your style of diplomacy would go a long way towards helping Lloyd adjust to his new environment. He was trying to become more sensitive and insightful. The problem seemed to Bishop that Lloyd - as intelligent as he was - couldn’t learn something he’d never seen.

If he’d ever met a human who lacked love and understanding in his life, it was Lloyd Hansen. Bishop knew more about the man’s background than he let on. Not much shocked him anymore. But the horrors Lloyd Hansen had endured, many long before he reached adulthood, was almost unbelievable.

It was clear that Lloyd couldn’t grow emotionally if he didn’t have an example. As it was, Lloyd’s therapist was struggling to find ways to jumpstart the frozen parts of his brain. Everything was connected as it should be, but some areas had gone unused for so long they’d atrophied. Functional MRI scans proved that Lloyd had been nearly turned into a psychopath by his childhood trauma. He could recover. The motivation was there. His emotions, his sense of morality and justice, had expanded during his time in prison. Bishop was thrilled by Lloyd’s growth. However, he needed him to be creative and to stay sober. He kept shooting himself in the foot with petty dramas and ruthless snark. Lloyd had to learn to play nice in the sandbox if he wanted to stay at the firm.

I would rather feel compassion than know the meaning of it.

Those words of wisdom echoed in his head, as he turned the idea of putting you and Lloyd together over in his mind. You’d conquered the immovable objects. He was curious what you could do to the unstoppable force. Perhaps highlighting the talents of others was your skill, even more than empathy and diplomacy. With that in mind, Bishop decided the combination worth a try. He would put you and Lloyd together and see what happened. If his gut instinct was right, you might be just the person to save Lloyd from himself.

Jen Kyznic

Jen does not approve of Lloyd and Princess’ relationship.

Lloyd rubbed Jen wrong on his first week at the firm. Jen is aware Lloyd is a genius, a fantastic lawyer, and an even better investigator.

What she took issue with were his demands. Lloyd came in with a presumption of what the paralegals did and wasn’t bothered by little things, such as: what are they actually paid to do?

The paralegals at Bishop & Howard tied their bonus pay to their team’s productivity. Because they’re a well-oiled machine this works out perfectly. Jen is the longest serving member of the paralegal team and she’s a huge reason this arrangement came about. She wants the pay within her group of employees to be unbiased and justified. She put in the time to make sure the board of directors agreed to their demands and she’s very proud of that accomplishment.

What kills productivity? Long, exacting research on complex legal investigations. The tasks Lloyd requires are killing her system. Jen knows, down to the minute, how long the items on her to-do list take. She doesn’t tolerate interruptions. When Lloyd interrupts her carefully ordered routine, she’s infuriated. Her sense of fairness took a major hit at his refusal to fall in line with the way things worked in the firm.

All the other attorneys marched in lock step to her orders. They knew what she was capable of when someone pissed her off.

Because Bishop requested they try accommodating Lloyd, she took on the task. Her goal was to show him how the system worked. If he would break down his tasks into smaller items that each counted towards their productivity metrics there wouldn’t be such a conflict. However… Lloyd and Jen have very similar personalities. They’re determined, motivated, independent, and authoritative. Lloyd is a maverick. Jen is a grizzly bear. You can’t put two people who love to challenge each other into a room and expect good results. In the end, the situation blew up.

Lloyd knew what he expected and he wouldn’t tolerate anything less. Jen knew how her department operated, and she wouldn’t stand for anyone running roughshod over the structures she’d built.

It took Princess stepping up and helping Lloyd to resolve the conflict. Jen doesn’t know how she can handle being around such an arrogant loudmouth. She has no idea that Princess thinks she and Lloyd have nearly the same personality… because they do. Neither of them is accustomed to giving in.

Jen isn’t going to approve of anything this cocky usurper ex-con does. Ever. Particularly when it involves her friend. Lloyd’s groveling apology after their blow out fight (which Princess helped compose) went a long way towards de-escalating hostilities between them. However, because of their similarities, Jen and Lloyd will always find each other abrasive. Jen and Lloyd will never be friends. But there’s a good chance at some point in the future, they’ll develop a mutual respect for each other.

Right now, the best case scenario is for them to each unbend a little and let Princess mediate their arguments.

#the princess and the lawyer: ask #the princess & the lawyer #series: the princess & the lawyer #lloyd hansen fanfic #lloyd hansen fic #lloyd hansen imagine #Lloyd Hansen #lloyd hansen x you #lloyd hansen x y/n #lloyd hansen x fem!reader #lloyd hansen x female reader #lloyd hansen x princess #chris evans characters #lloyd hansen au #the gray man fanfic #the gray man fanfiction #chris evans characters au #no minors #minors dni

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nuwanders · 2 years

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OC asks part 2: 1-9, 12, 13, 16

Sorry if they’re too many! If so, just pick what you want to answer

2 has been answered already, as have 3, 5 and 12 for jórunn and cassathra! :^) answered something on character motivations (question 4) a while back. otherwise i’ve just picked out those which yield the most interesting answers for my characters.

1. What are your OC’s best and worst qualities? What do they think are their best and worst qualities?

Cassathra - best would be her passion and drive. Worst would be her recklessness.

Raydrin - best would be his kind and gentle heart. Worst would be his total lack of self-regard.

Jórunn - best would be her tenacity and resilience. Worst would be her ill temper.

Mathyas - best would be his diligence and his intelligence. Worst would be his cutthroat and callous approach to problem-solving.

3. What does their voice sound like, in a couple of words? (ie soft, scratchy, seductive, high-pitched, etc)

Raydrin - low, soft, raspy. Think somewhere between Manny Jacinto and Riz Ahmed (in terms of quality, not accent).

Mathyas - full-bodied, baritone, smooth + even cadence.

8. What is their coping mechanism?

Cassathra - Cassathra tries to keep herself busy, throwing herself into her studies and otherwise inventing projects to keep her mind off of whatever it is that is troubling her.

Raydrin - Raydrin turns to substance abuse :/ it started in the aftermath of the Great War, when he was mourning his twin sister and wanted to numb his grief, but his depression never properly cleared up so that tendency has stayed with him.

Jórunn - Jórunn withdraws from those around her and spends a lot of time on her own, minimising social contact.

Mathyas - Mathyas overthinks things in a misguided attempt to find a solution or to rationalise his way out whatever is bothering him. This is rarely possible, but it doesn't stop him trying.

12. How do they feel about romantic relationships? Are they into casual flings or more serious, long-term romances? Or are they uninterested?

Raydrin - Raydrin is a romantic; he wants stability and commitment with someone he loves. But he's only ever been in one serious relationship and that was before the war; since then, he's dallied in the occasional fling but found them largely unfulfilling, and he was never interested or emotionally available enough to put the time into looking for something more.

Mathyas - Mathyas is largely neutral on this; he's had a few serious relationships over the decades but none that ever lasted more than a few years, largely due to incompatibilities in lifestyle given his status as the son of a Redoran councillor and the duties that entails. In the meantime, he's quite happy keeping his needs met with casual flings.

13. What are their views on marriage? If they want to get married, what would their dream wedding be like?

I think Cassathra finds the idea very romantic and exciting, especially now she's removed herself from the pressures of her family and is free to pursue what she wants in life. Neither Raydrin nor Jórunn particularly care for the idea of it. Mathyas has always seen it as something that he will have to do at some point as part of his duties to his House, and he accepts this with indifference.

16. How do other characters in the story view them?

hoo boy.

Cassathra - Cassathra's peers at the College generally find her quite amenable; she's not friends with everyone but few people have reason to dislike her. Those who have classes with her may find her natural aptitude for magic a little frustrating, but she's not a dick about it. After Saarthal, she and the others in her tutorial group are treated by their year group with a degree of wariness and morbid curiosity; it becomes common knowledge that something horrible happened down there, so the other students tend to act a little like they're treading on eggshells around them.

Jórunn - those who Jórunn meets in her travels find her a little closed and standoffish, and those who know she is Dragonborn view her with varying degrees of awe and pity. Mostly people find her intimidating; they want to ask her questions, about her powers, about her disability, about how they interact, but her big ‘fuck off’ vibes mean few actually ever ask her. (etienne rarnis, for example, asks raydrin instead).

Raydrin - acquaintances are largely indifferent to Raydrin; he’s quiet and doesn’t leave a lasting impression, unless you see him in battle. Those who get to know him find him easy to get along with and pleasant company. Delphine found him (and Jórunn) both unimaginably frustrating at the start, but they are starting to grow on her; Delphine now finds Raydrin exasperating but weirdly endearing.

Mathyas - the DBH is mixed on this one. Gabriella finds him endlessly entertaining to tease. Babette and Veezara both like him. Nazir thinks he’s pathetic but in a hot kind of way respects him enough to feel sorry for him. Arnbjorn and Festus think he’s a sad, strange little man. Cicero doesn’t trust him. Astrid sees him as her pet rat and she’s teaching him tricks. Vivienne wants that twink OBLITERATED him dead but is refraining from acting on that while he’s useful to her.

#if u read all that. im impressed but u didn't have to.#ask #thelonghanddaydream #thanks for asking!#cassathra #jorunn #raydrin #mathyas

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so-litudinal · 2 months

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i miss it here, kinda

main two reasons i haven't been around are 1) my phone died a few weeks ago and 2) my only consistant thought these days(?) is that i wanna disappear, as in i don't wanna/can't live, and i feel bad about only posting depressing, suicidal stuff (which is ridiculous, since i created this blog over 10 years ago as an online personal diary — but i guess shame follows me anywhere i go).

my phone had been messing up for a long while, i know i should've gotten a new one at least a year ago. but it had been holding on (barely) anyway so i kept putting it off, as i do everything you know. but then one night i stupidly dropped it in the stairs. it only fell down a couple of steps and i seemed to be able to turn it back on just fine (albeit slow). but the day after it kept turning off randomly, until i couldn't turn it on anymore at all. anyway. guy at the repair shop couldn't do anything. and since i'm the worst, i hadn't backed up anything. i thought i'd lost everything, but turned out at least pictures and videos were saved to my cloud. still, i lost all my notes + audio recordings. i don't care all that much about the audios except for one i took two years ago of junko purring in my bed a few days before she died [now that i write this…i have a vague feeling i might’ve posted the audio here at the time… but i’m kinda scared to go back and look, only to be let down again]. thought/hoped i'd saved it somewhere on a hard drive with all her pictures but couldn't find it.

what i'm saddest about is losing my notes. repair shop guy said that if i’m lucky (big lol….) and if my phone was connected to a google account (??? idk, my mom told me cuz of course i didn’t go myself), i might be able to retrieve them once i got a new phone. i’m not sure if that was supposed to be about my notes being saved to a google drive or something, cuz that wasn’t the case anyway. so yeah. years and years of notes. i’m dumb, so dumb that i kinda deserved this happening to me (watch it not be a learning lesson, just like anything else). the notes i really cared about were the fanfiction drafts + artwork ideas. speaking of, sorta crazy that i’m ashamed to talk about writing fanfiction on this blog. i’ve always had this compulsory need to “split” my personality and interests across different online platforms—irl too. don’t really wanna dig into that here and now but yeah, it probably all stems from shame and deeply rooted self-contempt + fear of judgement from others, even though most of my online presence has consisted of my existing in and talking to the void. some of those notes dated all the way back to 2020. there were some that i wrote on my pc but the large majority stayed on my phone for easy access when i got random ideas in the middle of the night or in the shower. i really liked most of what i wrote, even the stuff i didn’t necessarily have the intention of finishing. took about a week to buy another phone but it’s been 2 weeks since that and i still haven’t used it. been using a tablet. i guess i get used to not having a phone cuz with the way i live, like a hermit, i don’t even have much need for a phone’s primary functionalities anyway. i don’t go out at this point and i pretty much never contact anyone anymore. but also, every time i think about those notes i’ve lost, i feel like “what’s the point?” what’s the point of a phone if i’m gonna be so dumb about it. also—and that’s even more pathetic—what’s the point of writing at all. i’ve had ideas and things i’ve wanted to write about in that time but even on the occasion that i do start (on pc), i systematically get to a point where i lose interest, or rather the motivation to continue and finish. i’m aware that this mindset is not only worryingly cynical and pessimistic but also sounds ridiculously dramatic, even to myself. but i think the reason why is because when anything even mildly inconveniencing or upsetting happens, that plays into my depression and lack of purpose/will to live, and vice versa. vicious circle and all that, you know. everything, including the positive actually, ultimately brings me back to the same point, the same conclusion—it’s not worth it, because all of it is wasted on me, whose my life isn’t worth much at all, and all of it goes away or ends up in the same dumpster of despair, nothing will last, whether i stay alive or disappear. not that i necessarily believe this way of thinking is reasonable, or even truthful—more that it doesn’t matter whether i believe in it or not, because it so strongly influences, if not dictates my perception of all things in life. so yeah, all of this over a dead phone and a bunch of lost writings, but also not really. worst thing is i haven’t even had the motivation to kick my butt and at the very least save the images and videos from my cloud onto a hard drive yet. i’m gonna regret this. …i say, as i sit back and once again consciously watch myself doing the thing that will only lead to more regret and self-hatred. heheh. queen of self-sabotage.

speaking of things that i seemingly can’t react to in an appropriate, normal human way… on the 31st of last month, the gacha i game i’ve been playing every day for the past 3.5 years was announced for eos by the end of september. i mean. there’s more than one valid reason to be upset over this, for just about any other fan. and the series it’s based on has been so, so important to me for the past 4 years (see how i intentionally don’t name it like "here is not the place for that”? yeah). but idk. the fact that i was so shell-shocked by the news and once again left with the feeling that nothing is worth getting attached to…. i know this kind of response is disproportionate. pathetic. not healthy. not normal. i’ve gotten a bit more used to the perspective since—at least for now, cuz i can very well envision going back into full woe is me mode as the date of eos gets near.

there are 2 other observations, or whatever i should call them, i can make from this reaction. 1) not being able to access something (probably even more so since it’s a form of escapism) that’s been part of my life, without missing a day since creating the account on december 31st, 2020, makes it glaringly obvious how empty and repetitive my days are and have been for an embarrassing amount of time now—the worst part being that i’ve found some sick, sick sense of comfort in it being and staying so (anything else is….terrifying and something i can’t allow myself to aim for).

2) i’ve had this vague feeling for a while but never really bothered to put it into words until recently but the more my interest about a certain thing grows, the more i’m susceptible to become unsatisfied, not with the thing itself, but with myself and the way i engage with it. very passively—like i effectively let it pass me by like i do anything else in life. i don’t usually want to admit it cuz it’s a bad character trait of mine, but i’ve kind of accepted that i find no real joy in sharing an interest with other people, engaging with them over this thing we presumably have in common. i’m the worst, so ugly for that, because it’s obviously an envy/jealousy thing. but also i tend to wanna cut myself some slack (self-indulgent?) regarding that specific thing cuz i’m pretty sure it also comes from my overall lack of social skills—which, at its root, is not my fault (severe bullying at a young, crucial age + prolonged and repeated child neglect). i know that it has now, in my adult age, become my responsibility to address and grow past those traumas and their consequences, especially assuming i still have hope for a life worth living (not taking the “do i?” factor in consideration here for the sake of this argument). my generation wasn’t exactly born with the internet but we did, at least partially, grow up with it, and it’s now such a(n unnecessarily?) huge part of our daily life, just like younger generations. i mean, talking about generations is probably pointless—what matters is that this was effectively my experience with the internet. so yeah, all that to say that i’ve had an “online presence” (not just as an occasional user of computers/the internet as mere practical, communication, sometimes educational, even more rarely entertainment tools) from my early teens, if not earlier, via blogs and now ancient forms of social media lol (msn, i’ll always have nostalgia for you—but please don’t come back). anyway. my point being… i’ve been using the internet as a hyper-social shared space for a long time, and there’s something that i’ve come to realise has been true, if not from the start, at least more and more over time, and that i’ve had, still have a hard time recognising and accepting: i can’t connect with people online any more than i can in real life. i think i wished myself to be one of those people who, however socially awkward in real life, or even downright social outcasts, managed to find a place online. i never truly could. it’s gotten worse over this past decade (the worst these past 4 to 6 years), as i progressively lost touch with the outside world and became more and more isolated. all these factors, dating long back or recent, are reflected in my ongoing online experience. with social media, “online communities” (niches, fandoms, circles, etc.) as a concept are so prevalent, and it’s hard cuz never in my life have i had the feeling that i could belong to one in real life. i grew to even regard the idea of a community as something i had no desire to partake in (i don’t know if i still feel that way but thinking so is self-preservation). i remember for example, the lgbt community is one i never quite felt i wanted to identify with, beyond my orientation being what it is, even in my adolescence, and sure, that might’ve had something to do with my own internal struggles with my identity, but in a way, it also circled back to my aversion to social groups (which is very much based in trauma and not just me being an introvert). that naturally, and unfortunately, extended into my experience with online communities of all sorts. that being said… i think that as long as i accept this as a fact about myself, even a little, it’s tolerable and not that big of a deal. if it changes over time (that would require my irl circumstances to change first and, well…), fine, i guess. but if it doesn’t… idk. It’s still a bit sad. cuz the internet is a big part of my life, one that supposedly brings me joy in various forms (the most prevalent being escapism—and i refuse to let that go, why would i hurt myself in that way).

all that to say that this gacha game closing is just one of the instances that have brought me to think more about how to engage with the things i like in a more fulfilling manner. since connecting with others is not a viable option at this point (or maybe ever), i think the only way would be to be more proactive. make or acquire something—something of my own—out of those interests. like putting more effort into writing. learning how to draw/make art. become normal and earn money to collect more merch (tie-ins) so i can be physically surrounded by things that make me happy. create the space i could never find outside, inside. i don’t care if it’s not fully enough to make up for everything i feel like i’m missing out on, because it would still be better than the loneliness and bitterness i’ve been stuck with for the longest time.

i don’t really have any definite conclusion i draw from those observations, much less a plan of action, but i just kind of went off and wrote about them anyway, i guess. there’s that.

so yeah… well, you know.

aah it’s gonna be such a chore to read over this before posting…..probably won’t (or else i might just give up on posting entirely)......nevermind, i'm doing it now lol.

rare good news is that paimon seems to be on the tail end of a very long and intense moult. last time it was that bad was when i got her and she immediately underwent the very first moult of her life. at the worst of it, last month, maybe even the month before, she was so down. so quiet and skittish. i never even had an opportunity to touch her. and as always, i was scared it might be something else, like an illness, or even a stressed-induced moult. i’ve been scared that my own irregular, unhealthy lifestyle might start to impact her. i know i don’t deserve her. at the same time, i was hesitant to take her to the vet. she can be a pretty fearful bird to begin with, so i feared that having to go through that kind of stress (the trip itself, being in an unknown place, handled by a stranger) would only make her worse. in the end, the risk of that didn’t seem worth taking cuz there was a good chance the vet would’ve just said that it was indeed just a moult and it would’ve been all that anxiety for nothing. during the time it got really bad and she was completely distant, i started to wonder if this was a glimpse into what it would be like without her here anymore. i’d already been thinking before that i would probably not want to go on after her death and this… well. it feels very real. but she’s better now. i cried when she sat on my shoulder for the first time again, and when we started playing and she tried biting my fingers or my ear. the absolute best was getting to sniff her (there is not one better smell in the world than that of a bird) + petting her until she falls asleep in my hand. I love her very much.

going back to the whole notes and writing thing… i don’t easily let myself admit to positive thoughts and feelings (fear and defeatism, i guess). still, i wanna put out there, somewhere—here being as good a place as any—that i really like writing. it’s fun (especially when it “works” lol). and it’s one of the rare things i genuinely like doing for myself, regardless of the purpose, the quality, the destination. not even talking about what comes afterwards…

it’s one of the “better,” as in tangible, ways to distract myself i can think of (goes back to what i was saying about engaging with interests in a more productive way).

at least when i’m in the middle of writing, i’m having fun.

now that i’ve started, i don’t even wanna finish this right now. i could write more, too. but then it’ll get late and i’ll be frustrated for different reasons. and if i “leave it and come back later”... well, i know there’s a good chance it’ll end up in my drafts never to see the light of day again lol. and i did want to post something on this blog specifically cuz it’s a place dear to me on the internet.

closing remarks: i’m thankful for cloud servers and birds always.

#24.8 #t

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adanceforrain · 2 months

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This is (not) life in color

I don’t know why I fell for him. I guess I felt like we, over time, developed a chemistry that felt untouchable. Every inside joke started to feel like a love letter, every punchline a kiss. The rush of understanding someone with nothing but a cheeky glance? If there are a thousand ways to say “I love you”, this would be my favorite.

I’ve also longed to find a partner who’d be able to communicate with my immigrant mother. Not just communicate but understand on a level she so rarely gets to experience living in the US. I know if she ever met him, she’d look at me with proud eyes and tell me I did good. She’d finally not have to worry about me anymore, about finding someone who’d care for me - one of the biggest stressors of her life.

I guess it also didn’t help that I thought he was the most beautiful thing walking on two legs. How many times have I accidentally caught sight of him in my periphery and, like a sucker punch, been gobsmacked by how handsome he was? I couldn’t understand it - how someone could cause me to short circuit like this. Shock and awe, and the ensuing shiver every time.

I think it’s fair to say that it’s rare to meet someone who makes you feel this way. Life bursts with colors you forgot existed when you’re with them. How could we not be grateful? To have had the opportunity to experience this? To experience them.

This would be such a sweet story if the feelings were mutual. Alas, they are not, and it’s a story I’m no stranger to. A story of unrequited desire - oh, do I know it well, but knowing it well, while making the process easier to navigate, does little to lessen the burn.

I think I’m allowed to feel frustration - at the circumstances and myself/my heart for once again falling for the wrong guy. On my worst days, I want to berate myself for allowing this to happen. Because I knew, even from the beginning as the seed took and the fantasy blossomed, that this was a mistake - that I’d be in trouble. But I lacked discipline and impulse control. I resigned to the idea that the heart wants what it wants, y’know? Reason be damned.

While love is a wondrous thing - a powerful force that motivates us to do more and be more - it can also be a dangerous addiction and a great source of agony. And I think I’m too old to be wasting any more years in agony. If I ever hope to build the life I dream of, I have to let this love go. Still, it’s hard to do so when you deeply cherish the love that was built. A love that feels so rare and precious. Can I be blamed for wanting to cling on?

I need to start dating again. And I need to actually give people chances. And, most importantly, not compare them to what could never be.

#personal bullshit

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anthonysstupiddailyblog · 1 year

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Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (419): Wed 10th May 2023

Up early for a visit to the doctors this morning about an issue that has needed to be resolved for some time. In recent years I’ve found myself constantly worrying, overthinking, instantly picturing the worst possible outcome of every decision I make and unable to find the enthusiasm to even do things that I like. I also try to avoid other people like the plague and having to even exchange friendly banter with them makes my skin crawl. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone reading this that my anxiety has really gotten out of control in recent years. The therapist I saw a while back tried her best to help treat my anxiety but it was to no avail (and to be fair she was trying the help me treat it while I was working in a call centre so she was fighting an uphill battle). When the therapy (specifically CBT) failed to ameliorate any of the issues associated with social anxiety disorder I realized that if I was ever going to get better it would have to be through medication. I thought that I was going to have to have a lengthy dialogue with the doctor because anxiety has become a bit of a buzzword these days and I wouldn’t be surprised if doctors are a bit suspicious that people have self diagnosed themselves with anxiety. I told the doctor about all the constant overthinking, the dark thoughts, the constant apprehension I have when it comes to venturing out of my comfort zone and having to interact with others and the lack of motivation to do even the things that I enjoy. I also mentioned that when I got diagnosed with BFS a few years ago the neurologist told me that it is typically triggered by anxiety. The doctor gave me a questionnaire to fill out in order to determine what level of anxiety I was at. The questionnaire had a possible high score of 30 and I scored 27. Five years ago I would have been shocked by this revelation but recently things have gotten so bad that my immediate reaction was that it sounded completely accurate. The doctor gave me a card for Mind the mental health charity and she’s given me some meds and told me to increase the dosage over the coming weeks. I’m glad that I’ve finally decided to stop burying these issues and hoping they resolve themselves. Hopefully I won’t be such a nervous wreck anymore and maybe it will also help treat the twitches in my calves too. I finally finished “reading” Cimarron Rose, the latest book in my quest to read all the winners of the Edgar Award for Beat Novel. Once again it’s an entry that is probably much more entertaining than k gave it credit for but I’m the kind of reader who needs to be gripped right from the start or else I’ll just be phoning it in for the remainder. The plot is about a cop defending a young black man who he suspects has been falsely accused of rape (I know there will be some far-left people who don’t recognize the term “falsely accused of rape” but people do actually lie. It happens). There’s also a subplot about being haunted by the ghost of a Navajo he accidentally shot dead but the novel as a whole wasn’t enough to captivate me. Maybe if there was a third subplot about a demonic dog who shoots flaming turds out of its arse and is going around Edinburgh killing people. I don’t know how the author could have worked that into a story set in the American badlands but if he’s a good author he would have found a way. The two items on my bucket list I’m determined to cross off before this year are to get my weight down to twelve stone and to finish reading all the Edgar books. I’m going to plow through the remaining 24 books in the series so that I can finally move on to my next challenge. Luckily the next book in the series Mr White’s Confession by Robert Clark arrived today so I’m going to jump right into it tomorrow.

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foxstens · 2 years

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i actually tried out some meds last month

we went on a 5-day vacation to budapest but like two weeks before that i had an appointment with a psychiatrist (which had been recommended by the psychologist i went to a few weeks prior to that. nothing notable there) which was... an experience.

as a first experience with a psychiatrist it was fine at the time i guess, but the more time passes and the more i think about it the more bothered i am by what she said. it was mostly just me talking and her asking some, admittedly interesting, questions but at one point she literally said that something was wrong with me, that something was missing and that she felt really bad since i’m so young. to which im just like. k but how does that help me, exactly lmao. i also don’t think it’s something nice to say to your literal fucking patient. and so she prescribed me an anti-psychotic which i was supposed to try out for a month, half a pill for the first 10 days and then one pill a day for the rest

well i tried it for three days then quit and vowed never to take it again. that’s not what i intended and it’s also not what you’re supposed to do when you try out new meds but i found it fucking insufferable and if i continued taking it it would’ve ruined my vacation and i also don’t know how i would’ve been able to work afterwards.

the pill had three major effects that i noticed:

1. irritability - one i could deal with but it did make the first 2 days of our vacation a lot less fun than they should’ve been

2. lack of attention span - this is already something i struggle with but this made me so disoriented, i actually had trouble organizing my thoughts enough to have a full conversation and on our train ride to budapest i couldn’t even focus on listening to music or reading (and i had loaded my phone with new music and my kindle with fics that’s how excited i’d been about it)

3. sleepiness - easily the worst. i don’t have trouble sleeping, i get enough sleep and i very rarely have restless nights, but it does take me a little while to fall asleep and i’m not the napping type; i can nap if i need to i just don’t really need it and it’s not something i particularly enjoy either. well this fucking pill made me so sleepy i could barely stand, i spent the first two fucking days of our vacation mostly sleeping and it was fucking horrible. i just felt like i could sleep every minute of the day but i didn’t feel better or rested when i woke up. it was so bad even my mom got worried and agreed when i said i wouldn’t keep taking the pills

like these effects might have diminished if i kept taking them but it would’ve definitely ruined my entire vacation + i don’t know how i would’ve been able to work when that’s generally a struggle even without pills + if half a pill made me sleep that much i’m scared a full one would’ve put me in a fucking coma or smth

ideally i’d go back to the same psychiatrist, explain all this and have her prescribe smth else, but i’m not gonna, partially bc what previously mentioned of what she said, it really bothers me now and i don’t really wanna deal with that again (this is the first time i’ve ever been pitied in my entire life and it s u c k e d what the fuck).

what also bothered me was that she just kind of assumed what i needed help with. like, yes, she noticed a lot of my symptoms really fast and said some accurate things but she also assumed my biggest issue at the moment was the lack of motivation and big goals and said it was just the mental illness talking when i said i don’t agree.

but i’ve never been a very ambitious person, i’ve never had big goals and i’ve never considered big goals to be that important, i’ve never identified with the expectations of either early marriage 2.5 kids and your life’s over at 25, or you have a super successful career and get super rich. like i dropped out of college and i don’t feel bad about it for fucks sake.

my mom partially agrees with the psychiatrist’s assessment since she’s worried i’ll do something stupid if i don’t have big goals to work towards but i haven’t been interested in... that... since i was 14 and nowadays i have plenty to look forward to, especially now that going to budapest revived my will to live a little. last week i fucking decided that i’m gonna visit amsterdam if it’s the last thing i do. that’s gotta count for something, right?

and why is a lack of motivation (god i fucking hate that word and concept) so imporant when i have other symptoms that influence me on a daily basis so much more. like, i don’t know, my lack of attention span for example or my tendency to get spontaneously over- and understimulated or my terrible fucking executive dysfunction that i’ve been struggling with for as long as i can remember OR MY SHIT ASS MEMORY which has never been excellent but might as well not exist for how bad it’s gotten lately.

but what do i know. it’s not like i’m the one experiencing all this. lmao. so yea that was something and it wasn’t terrible but it also wasn’t the best and the next time i go to a psychiatrist i’m gonna make sure to say at least some of this. because it’s about high time someone fucking listened to me for once in my fucking life. UGH!

#my posts #my rambles #read more #lifeblogging #i went to a psychiatrist and this is me recounting the experience #bc ive talked about it with my mom but writing things like this out always helps #and it'll help me rmr some of the things i wanna say the next time i go

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toastlab · 2 years

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Investing In Yourself = Smashing Imposter Syndrome

Dear reader, it’s time for another set of DJ lessons to mull over. I know this isn’t exactly a hot take, but imposter syndrome truly is the worst.

The voice inside your head quickly morphs from reasonable to cruel, whispering clammy nothings into your ear about your supposed lack of skill and talent – and for what?

This isn’t some overbearing boss or a sh!tty jealous friend you’re dealing with – it’s yourself. You have created this rude person in your head. The one that comes out when you’re tired, had a long week, or when you’ve made a small mistake. My rude person has a name, for better or worse. I’ve named her Regina. (No, not Phalange, although I do think Ross needed a real brain doctor.)

You’re the most important relationship you’ll have in this life, and while I can’t see this post being the cure-all, I want to share my thoughts on imposter syndrome – and share how I’ve helped slap Regina away when she gets a little too rude.

The key? Believing in yourself enough to invest in your future and signaling to your brain that you’re worth the effort. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Defining imposter syndrome

My dear friends at Merriam-Webster define imposter syndrome as the following: “A psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success.”

Thanks, Meri-Web.

In essence, it’s you fighting yourself after you’ve spent all this time honing your craft, paying your dues, and coming into your own as not only a great DJ, but as an adult who has figured out what they want to do with their career. Let’s face it, DJing is a little more of an untraditional path – it’s usually by accident. Did you go to grad school at Banging Beats U? Me neither.

Sometimes, this accidental nature can almost make us feel like anyone can do it – that it was all a fluke – and that someone will find you out.

Gut check: This is wrong. No one is going to ‘find you out’ or ‘expose’ you. You owe it to yourself to honor how far you’ve come and remember that someone took a chance on you with your first few gigs, and you built your business from the ground up.

Remember: The DJ is one of the most important elements of the event. This means something, and not just anyone can pull off a badass dance party while being mindful of the needs and nuances of the event itself.

Understanding our inner Regina

Regina is there to keep you small.

You’re engineered to stay away from risk and danger. We’re wired to go toward safety. Staying small keeps you in the tribe.

Your brain is trying to prevent overconfidence to protect yourself from the danger of that darned pride coming before a fall. But in protecting yourself from any pride – you’re failing to believe any hype about yourself.

I know – it’s tough. If you believe the hype, you might fail. Maybe the work will dry up and won’t be there next year. Maybe you want to check yourself for fear that if you don’t, you’ll have taken it all for granted.

But, we can honor Regina’s motivations while also putting her back in her box. It’s okay to have confidence, it’s okay to put your faith in yourself and your abilities and trust that the leads very likely will not dry up, and you’ll probably be in an even better spot next year.

The importance of investing in yourself

One key way to get yourself to believe in your success and your hard work is by investing in your career and treating it like a real job. Let’s explore this:

First, charge what you’re worth

Investing in tools to make it better! This job is as real as any other job, and this job can be super lucrative if you do it right. Part of signaling to Regina that you are safe in your confidence is charging what you’re worth.

When I started in this industry, I charged way below what I do now. I realized that after my expenses (gear, music, MY TIME etc.) I was only making the bare minimum.

As I gained more experience and began adding real value to my gigs, like wedding coordination, connecting with clients to ensure we get the selection just right, and generally being very professional and responsive – I realized I could charge more. My clients were happy to pay my (still very fair) rates, and because I was adding so much value behind-the-scenes, weddings were going off without a hitch – and I was getting great reviews.

Invest in offloading

Once you start charging a little more and getting a good system down, you can invest in offloading some of the parts of the business that you either don’t have time for or don’t feel like doing.

The ore you invest financially and mentally, the more real and serious your job as a DJ will feel.

We’re artists at the core. Accounting, legal stuff, marketing, and HR doesn’t come naturally to us – but these business aspects are extremely important to have down pat to keep your business running fluidly – and profitably. When you invest in offloading some of these tasks, you’re signaling to Regina that your business is worth the effort – and just like any other business. What reputable businesses do you know of that don’t spend time investing in marketing or accounting? Exactly.

The crux of it all:

We’ve established that your inner Regina is trying to protect you by flaring up the imposter syndrome.

Sometimes Regina is right, she keeps you in line. She makes sure you wear a nice outfit to a business meeting and not sweats. She makes sure you set your alarm.

But if she gets too anxious and she starts saying that you don’t need to invest in your business because, well, why bother? Or that you don’t need a few extra DJ lessons, a business coach, or a course – why would you need any extra help? It’s all going to dry up anyway.

That’s when it’s time to tell her that you’re good, that you’ve got this. By investing in yourself, you’re showing her through your actions that it’s all going to be okay – and she’ll slowly back off with these scary feelings.

Let’s talk!

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your business is real. It’s worth protecting. It’s worth investing in. If I may say – if you need a little guidance, I offer coaching sessions and a pretty awesome DJ course – The Lab.

The Lab’s training videos are hilarious, engaging, and super high quality. They’re also yours forever once you’ve purchased them. Bonus – our videos include a full transcript, so it’s easy to come back and quickly reference what you’ve learned.

Ready to build that DJ empire? Here’s our sign-up form here.

Not ready to take the plunge? That’s cool. I gotchu. Book your one-on-one coaching session with me here, and we’ll have a little chat over coffee about how I can help.

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moonxbabe · 3 years

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vinnie hacker smut - for the first time - part 4 -

hi readers - so this little story has come to an end, this is the last part of ‘for the first time’, thank you to the anon who requested it, I really enjoyed writing it and hope you enjoyed reading it :)

warning: smut 18+

part 1

part 2

part 3

---------------

2 weeks later

Vinnie had called, texted and sent flowers basically every day since the pool party trying to get any response back from you but you hadn't given in. You had been sulking in your room most days not having motivation to do much even though you had classes and work you needed to get done.

You deleted all social media since the incident because you couldn't handle seeing it all anymore. The hate, the comments, the updates. It made you sick with anxiety and self-hatred. It felt like nobody was on your side.

The worst part of it all was that you missed him. You missed him so much it hurt. His touch, his smell, his laugh. Everything about him. You felt like part of you was ripped away. Everyday you are tempted to respond back to his texts or answer his calls, but the thoughts linger and fear gets the best out of you.

You sigh re-reading the latest text he sent earlier that morning saying:

Vinnie: Good morning beautiful, I hope you have a good day. I think about you every moment. I miss you so much, I will never give up on us.

Your eyes fill with tears as you press the phone to your chest holding it tight. You lay back down in your bed holding back the tears because you're too tired of crying. You drift off into a nap.

You jump up awake hearing someone knock at your door. You grab your phone looking at the time reading 7:21pm realizing you slept through most of the day. You groan softly, getting up and looking around for a pair of shorts to slip on, not in the mood for guests.

Nailea showed up a few times to check in on you as well as your forever best friend even though you told them you were fine a million times. They knew the truth.

“Nai if it's you I already told you I’m fi--” you open the door to see Vinnie standing there. You look at him, speechless.

“Hi,” He says quietly, giving you a tight smile. He was hoping and praying you wouldn't slam the door in his face.

“Hi,” you looked at him unsure of what to do or say. You frowned a little, noticing he looked a little skinnier than the last time you saw him and it seemed he hadn't shaved in a while which was really unlike him. You crossed your arms over your chest uncomfortably glancing down realizing you were wearing his t-shirt before looking back at him.

“Can I come in? Please.” He studies you for a moment, his face soft and his words pleading.

“Why,” you say quietly.

“Because I miss you,” He hesitates, “and this is killing me,” He places his hand on the door frame waiting for a response. You sigh and move to the side letting him in, not saying a word.

“How have you been?” He breaks the lingering silence staring at you, you glance up at him before looking down once more.

“Fine,” you slightly shrug, rubbing your right arm with your left nervously.

“I’ve just been really worried, you haven't returned any of my calls or texts,” He sighed, taking a few small steps closer to you, you didn't move. “I know Nai’s been over so I asked her but she wouldn't say much,”

“I mean there's not much to say,” you said in a quiet tone.

“I know you're hurt and upset and hate me right now, but is there any way we could work this out? I can't just let go and forget y/n,” He swallowed hard holding back tears.

“I don't hate you,” you sigh “I could never hate you,”

“I'm glad to hear that,” He said calmly and took a few more steps now standing in front of you, you still looked down scared to make eye contact with him.

“Hey,” He used his fingers to lift your chin to look at him, your eyes falling into his. You held back tears as his honey colored eyes brought back all your shared memories.

“Please don't cry,” He slightly frowned as he could see your eyes tear up, you pressed your lips together and nodded.

“I'm sorry,” You said quietly, soaking in the moment.

“I’ve missed you so much,” He whispered, letting go of your chin and using the back of his index finger to gently brush your cheek, you closed your eyes for a moment letting him, enjoying the feeling. He presses his forehead against yours as your noses brush against one another.

“I’ve missed you too,” You whisper back as your eyes flutter open, a small smile appearing on his face. He gently places his hand on your waist pulling you a little closer.

“Can I hug you?” He says and you hesitate but nod. You wanted nothing more than to hug him, to feel him against you. He pulls you in, hugging you tightly as you hug him back resting your head on his chest.

“These two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life,” He says quietly, not letting you go. You slightly smile to yourself at his words because you felt the same way.

“Vin,” you say after a few moments of silence.

“Hm?” He pulls away a little to look at you.

“This doesn't mean we can just go back to how things were,” you said as he slightly frowned “I missed you and love you yes, but that doesn't change anything, it doesn't change what happened or what will continue to happen” you slowly let him go “I don't want to be put in that situation anymore,”

“I know, I know,” He sighed and nodded, “I wouldn't put you in it either, I just wish I could protect you from it all,” He groaned frustrated “I hate how everyone can be happy and in relationships, but it's not the same for me,”

“They just hate me,” you look down trying to keep your emotions together.

“Well I love you, and I dont give a fuck what anyone else thinks or says,” He places his hand on your cheek stroking it softly with your thumb. You meet his eyes once more and attempt a smile as you try to hold back tears once more.

“Hey hey, dont,” He frowns and leans in to kiss your forehead holding your face. You hug his body tightly once more letting your tears fall, you had been waiting for this moment, to be able to hold him and for him to comfort you. He was the only one you wanted to see this whole time to make it feel better, but every fiber in you pushed him away.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just-- they said awful things, Vin, and I believed them,” you broke down into his chest as he hugged your body and rubbed your back. “They always say things about me or to me, I don't know why and I try my best to ignore, I just don't get it,” you sobbed.

“I know baby, I know, I'm so sorry,” He sighed, holding you so tightly, scared you'd slip away.

“I don't know how you can do it,” you tried to calm down but just being with him after being away from him for so long made it difficult.

“Even if I need to delete all my social media and just focus on us, on you. I would do it. I don't care,” He pulled away to look at you, you shook your head.

“I could never ask you to do that Vin, it's your life,” you wipes some falling tears.

“For you I’d do it.” He moves his hand to stroke your cheek softly with his thumb wiping away your tears.

“I don't want you to,” you sniff “I just think if we see each other it should be in private so no one will know,”

“So like sneak around?” his face was a bit disappointed.

“Mhm, I feel like that would be best” you hug him once more placing your head on his chest hearing his heartbeat.

“But what if I want to take you out? Like on a date or we just want to get food and hang out,” he sighs, hugging you tightly, placing a kiss on the top of your head.

“We’ll just need to figure it out in a way no one will know,” you look up at him still hugging me.

“I mean I guess, if this is the only way,” his voice frustrated.

“Just for a little while Vin,” you pull away from him, your hand falling into his as your fingers hold on to one another. He smiles as you two stay quiet for a moment.

“I know it's been a little while, but um-- do you think I could stay with you here and spend the night?” His fingers still linger in yours as he watches you.

“I’d love you to,” you smile at him and get closer leaning your head up for a kiss. He smiles and kisses you softly, placing his hands on your waist.

“I love you so much,” he pulls away to whisper against your lips, he uses one hand to move a strand of hair falling on your face tucking it behind your ear. “The thought of not being close to you or losing you drives me crazy,”

“Don't think about that,” you slightly frown. “I’m right here,” you slightly grip at the front of his shirt and he gives you a small smile.

“I know,” He sighs and kisses your forehead “I'm just scared I guess,” he shakes his head “Let's get you to bed?”

“I'm not really tired, I should probably hop in the shower though” you look up at him. “Would you uh want to join me?” you ask nervously, that was something you both never done.

“More than anything,” he smiles and nods. He takes your hand leading you to the bathroom and turns on the shower. You lean against the sink and watch him smiling to yourself at his excitement.

“Come here,” He turns around to look at you as you make your way to him, he takes your shirt pulling it off of you gently as you slowly take off your shorts and underwear. He watches you in awe as you step out of the clothing. You hug yourself at the sudden lack of clothing before looking up at him catching him watching you.

“What?” You slightly smile.

“Nothing, you're just beautiful,” He leans in to place his hand on your cheek before kissing you softly, you blush kissing him back. You pull away and get into the shower waiting for him as you close your eyes and stand under the steaming water. He takes off his clothes and gets in, placing his hands on your waist. You open your eyes and smile at him as you run your hands through your wet hair.

“I’ve missed you so much,” He says softly, pulling you towards him.

“I missed you too, a lot,” You place your hands on his damp chest running them up and down before wrapping them around his neck. He leans down to kiss you deeply as his arms wrap around your waist.

“You haven't been shaving,” you pull away from the kiss saying quietly.

“I know,” He sighs “I definitely need to though,”

You lean in to kiss his cheek feeling guilty because you know when he doesn't shave he's usually in a depressive episode.

“Does it bother you?” He searches your face for an answer.

“Vin, of course not,” you slightly frown, kissing him softly once more. “I just know it's unlike you,” You sigh.

“I’ll shave tomorrow, I promise,” he gives you a reassuring smile.

“Now let me shower,” you laugh softly, letting him go waiting for him to unwrap his arms. He fake pouts and lets you go as he then grabs the shampoo before you.

“Let me,” He pours some in his hand waiting for you to turn around as you playfully roll your eyes but do so. He massages the shampoo into your hair as you close your eyes enjoying the moment. He puts his hands on your waist once more leading you under the water to rinse as you do so before turning around to smile at him.

“Your turn,” You grab the shampoo, putting it in your hand as you reach up to wash his golden brown hair running your fingers through it. He lightly bites his lower lip at the feeling and watches you, pulling you towards him once again.

“Rinse,” You smile at him as he turns you both around so now he's under the water as you reach up to help get the shampoo out.

He leans down to kiss you deeply, wrapping his arms around you once more as you smile and kiss him back, your chests pressed up against one another. He groans softly before slowly lifting you up as you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. He holds you up against the wall by your thighs giving them a slight squeeze. You slowly slide your tongue across his bottom lip asking for entrance as he allows letting your tongues meet one another causing you to moan. You can feel him growing hard against you as you move one hand to softly grip his hair.

He begins to kiss down your jawline to your neck as you attempt to catch your breath and bite your lower lip at the feeling as he finds a spot to suck on.

“Vin,” you groan softly gripping his hair once more as he sucks and bites at that spot leaving a hickey before moving to the other side of your neck. He peppers kisses all over as you lean your head back against the shower at the sweet feeling. He leans you back so he can kiss down your breasts before taking one in your mouth massaging it slowly with his tongue.

“Fuck,” you moan at the feeling holding his head in place as he moves on to the other giving it the same treatment. He lets go of your thighs and tapes one thigh to unwrap your legs.

“I want to make you feel good,” He whispers as he gets down on his knees kissing your stomach softly before lifting one of your legs over his shoulder giving him access to your heat. You bite your lip in anticipation as you steady yourself watching him growing wetter by the second. He leans in and slides his tongue from top to bottom causing you to gasp and grip his hair. His tongue finds its way to your clit as he begins to suck at it letting his tongue massage it.

“Oh my- Vinnie,” you moan loudly as your legs slightly shake, your head leaned back against the shower wall as your eyes roll back in pleasure. Your hand not leaving his hair as his tongue continues back down to thrust itself in and out. After a few seconds he replaces his tongue with two fingers thrusting him quickly in and out of you as he lets his tongue trail back to your clit to suck and play with it.

“I-Im so close,” your legs shake even more as he curls his fingers to find your g-spot.

“Cum for me baby,” he groans softly as he feels your walls clench around his fingers.

“Vin,” you moan loudly as you grip his shoulders trying to steady yourself as your climax takes over. You almost slide down the wall but Vinnie quickly grabs you holding you up kissing you softly.

“You okay?” He whispers softly letting you come down from your high. You nod, giving him a smile leaning your head into his chest.

“My good girl,” He kisses the top of your head as you slowly stand on your feet. He turns around to turn off the shower before reaching out to grab you a towel wrapping you in it and then grabbing himself one.

“Let me help you,” you motion to his hard on wanting to make him feel good too.

“No, it's fine baby,” He shakes his head.

“I love you,” you say softly looking up at him as you hug your towel.

“I love you too,” He smiles at you as he finishes drying his hair and wrapping the towel around his waist. You both walk out of the shower and head to your bedroom as he slides on his boxers and you grab his tshirt and underwear putting them on. He sits on the edge of the bed waiting for you as you grab your hair brush and brush your hair.

You finish and turn around to see him watching you as you smile walking over to him standing in between his legs.

“Let's get in?” you peck his lips softly as he places his hands on the back of your thighs squeezing them softly before nodding. He gets up to open the covers as you crawl in waiting for him to follow, he gets in next to you and puts his arm around you letting you cuddle into his chest.

You let your fingers trail up and down his chest before they land on his spider tattoo tracing it slowly.

“You love that one dont you?” He chuckles softly looking down at you as you nod slightly biting your lower lip looking back at him, you lean up to softly kiss his lips before deepening it. He lets out a soft groan as you slowly get on top of him straddling him. He places both his hands on your face holding you as the kiss turns hot and heavy. He moves one hand to slide into your hair gripping it slightly as you softly suck at his bottom lip.

You begin to slowly grind against his hardness causing him to moan as both his hands reach down to grip your hips.

“We should stop,” He groans, whispering against your lips, using all his strength to pull away from the kiss.

“No, I want this,” you whisper and look him in the eyes.

“What?” He studies your face for a few moments not wanting to misread since you had never, “A-Are you sure?”

“Yes,” you nod holding his face and placing a soft kiss on his lips “I’m sure, I want you to have all of me, Vinnie, I love you”

He looks at your face for a few more moments and leans up kissing you deeply, “I love you too baby, more than anything,” he whispers against your lips before flipping you both over so he’d be on top of you. He leans back down to kiss you hungrily as you wrap your arms around his neck pulling him closer, your leg slowly rubbing against his as he moves one hand to slowly pull down your underwear. He rubs your clit slowly feeling your wetness as you moan into the kiss.

Your hands move down his arms under the covers as you push off his boxers letting his hardness out. He groans softly at the feeling as you take it into your hand stroking it slowly.

“We’re going to go slowly but if at any point you want to stop or don't feel comfortable, tell me okay?” He pulls away from the kiss breathless looking into your eyes. You nod nervously, moving your hands back to rest on his arms.

“I trust you,” you whisper and he nods, leaning down to kiss your forehead softly before positioning himself at your entrance. You slightly grip at his arms as he slowly enters his tip, biting his lower lip at the feeling. He slowly slides a bit more causing you to wince in pain.

“Vin wait,” you place your hands on his chest pushing him a bit causing him to stop.

“Do you want to stop?” He moves a hand to stroke your hair softly.

“No no, keep going,” you shake your head moving your hands up to his shoulders holding them as he slowly enters a little more into you.

“It hurts, give me a second” you wince once more as you hold back tears not wanting to give up. You attempt to slowly adjust yourself to his length.

“Baby maybe we should stop, we can try again another time,” He looks at you with concern as you shake your head.

“I-I'm fine, I promise,” you lean up to kiss him softly as he kisses you back nodding. He slowly enters the rest of himself into you, filling you up causing you to grip him tighter. He groans softly at the feeling of finally being deep inside you.

“You okay baby?” He whispers looking down at you as you nod in reassurance before he begins to slowly thrust in and out of you at a slow and steady pace letting you adjust.

“Vinnie,” you moan softly, as the pain slowly turns into pleasure, you wrap your arms around his neck once more burying your face into his neck.

“Yes my good girl,” He lets out a soft moan as he keeps thrusting slowly.

“You feel good, Vin, you fill me up,” you move your hands to his back slowly gliding them up and down his skin.

“You’re doing so good, beautiful,” he groans softly as he feels your nails slowly scratch his back. He leans down to pepper kisses all over your neck as you lean your head back giving him more space. “You feel fucking amazing,” He whispers against your neck giving you goosebumps down your spine.

“Vin, harder,” you bit your lower lip wanting more. He stops kissing your neck in surprise at your words.

“Are you sure baby?” he swallows hard watching you as you nod.

“Yes, please, harder,” you groan as he follows with harder thrusts.

“Fuck,” you moan out as your nails dig into his back and your eyes roll back in pleasure.

“You like that baby?” He groans as he thrusts harder and faster into you, moving one hand to grip your breast squeezing it.

“Yes Vin,” you nod, wrapping your legs around his legs thrusting your hips to meet him.

“Guess my good girl is a whore for this dick now huh?” he growls into your ear moving his hand down in between you both to rub your clit.

“Oh my God-- Vinnie,” you moan loudly as your back arches off the bed at the feeling. Your legs begin to shake as you feel your climax approach.

“Who do you belong to, slut?” He moves his hand away from your clit and kisses you hungerly but pulls away waiting for your answer.

“Fuck Vin,” you moan, whining moving your hand down to your clit before he grips it and holds it down.

“Answer me,” He growls.

“Y-You, only you,” you cry in pleasure as he smirks.

“Good answer,” he moves his hand back to your clit as he watches himself slide in and out of you. He groans feeling your walls begin to clench around his dick as your legs shake vigorously.

“I'm about to--” you moan loudly gripping at the sheets next to you as he watches you spill all over him before thrusting a few more times and releasing into you.

You hug into him holding him in place as he holds you not pulling himself out yet. You both lay like that for a few moments in silence as he then slowly pulls out and gets up to grab a towel cleaning you up. You lay there watching him as he then gets back in bed next to you pulling you in to cuddle into him pulling the blanket over you.

“You did so good, baby,” he kisses your forehead holding you tightly “Are you okay? Was that okay for you?” He looks into your eyes as you nod sleepely, kissing his lips softly.

“Thank you,” you hold him closely as if he'd somehow slip away from this moment.

“For what beautiful?” he looked down at you rubbing your back softly.

“Just for being so amazing all the time, I don't deserve you,” you hold back tears as best as you could and kiss his chest softly.

“Hey, don't say that. If anything I don't deserve you, especially after everything I’ve put you through,” he slightly frowns thinking about the two weeks they didn't spend together.

“It's not your fault,” you shake your head “And of course I wish things were different, but all I care about is spending time with you and being with you.”

“I will always be by your side, even if you attempt to push me away,” he slightly laughs and you frown.

“Never again,” you look up at him and he nods, kissing your lips softly as you kiss him back.

“Never, you're my soulmate.” He whispers against your lips causing you to smile. Your eyes slowly begin to drift closed.

“Vin,” you say softly as he attempts to stay awake.

“Hm?” he rubs his thumb softly on your arm.

“In the morning can we do it again but I want to be on top,” you say quietly but get a laugh out of him.

“We’ll see baby, you’ll be pretty sore in the morning,” he kisses the top of your head and you nod as you both then fall into a deep sleep.

--------

hope you guys enjoyed this story! feedback is always appreciated <3

#vinnie hacker #vinniehacker #vinnie hacker smut #smut #vinnie x reader #love #romance #lust #vinnie #hacker #fanfiction #vincent hacker #vinniehackersmut

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the-widow-sisters · 2 years

Note

hey hey! i have a fic idea! basically, kate’s mom has been being a total jerk to her, even more than usual, causing kate to be really upset and hurting. natasha spends more time with her over the course of a week in an attempt to cheer her up, and it does. but yelena gets really jealous and insecure. she is actually understanding and feels bad for the archer, having her own parental issues herself. but she can’t stop the sinking feeling in her gut that natasha is going to find kate better than her and leave her, because kate isn’t as broken. thank you so much!

A/N: Thank you so, so much for this incredible request!!! 💗💗💗 I really loved this idea, and I’m sorry it took me so long to write it! I’ve been on a serious lack of motivation lately, and it’s only just now starting to come back 💖

I hope you enjoy! 🥰

Word Count: 6792

“Hey, sweet girl,” Natasha greeted, and Yelena paused immediately in the hall. It took all of her self-control not to turn and go bounding over to Natasha. She turned to face her calmly, mustering a smile.

“Hey,” Yelena returned, and Natasha stepped closer with a grin. Yelena swallowed hard as she took in her sister’s features more fully than she had been able to in a whole week.

The entirety of the week since Natasha and Yelena had accompanied Kate to go and visit her mother in prison, Natasha had been spending a lot of Kate. It was not that she was ignoring Yelena, but she was giving Kate more attention than usual because the visit had taken a severe toll on the young archer.

Kate had been so terribly in pain, and she had cried the entire way home from the prison. She had been utterly heartbroken from the entire thing, and Yelena was starting to see precisely why Kate was always so mellow and odd after her mother called her once every one or two weeks.

The worst part was that Yelena could not even bring herself to ask for extra attention for a multitude of different reasons. One of which was the fact that she could understand Kate’s hurt and pain. She had been ready to hurt that stupid woman for hurting the poor kid, and some part of her was overcome with a protectiveness that baffled her and that somewhat resembled the manner in which she regarded Peter.

Granted, she did not care about Kate as much as Peter, but Yelena was still protective over innocent, dumb kids.

However, this simply led into Yelena’s other predicament. Kate was so much more innocent and good than Yelena, and she knew that Natasha had a tendency to feel protective over kids as well.

Also, from what she had seen of Natasha that week, Yelena knew that she was having fun with Kate and that she was terribly fond of and protective of Kate. It was something that resembled in some odd way the way that Natasha looked at Yelena herself. It was not as strong, but it was definitely present.

Quite honestly, that terrified Yelena. She knew that she herself was broken, damaged, and so needy so often. And she knew that Kate, while hurting and carrying her own bit of baggage, was still far more salvageable than Yelena in her selflessness and her more natural cheeriness.

So, naturally it would make sense for Natasha to want Kate more than Yelena. The thought had depressed and terrified Yelena so deeply and so much that throughout the entirety of the week, she had worked her hardest to give Natasha and Kate space and distance. She knew that she was likely losing Natasha to Kate, but she did not want Natasha to remain with her simply from a feeling of obligation. She also did not want to annoy Natasha and drive her away further.

And she knew she was being selfish. Natasha did truly deserve so much better than her. It was just that Yelena could not stand the thought of someone else entirely taking her place. It was the only thing that was keeping her from letting Natasha go.

She had been doing her best to keep from letting her more selfish tendencies overtake her, and she had been purposefully distancing herself from Natasha all week. But now Natasha was here and unknowingly forcing Yelena to face her, and it was unbelievably and incredibly hard for Yelena to keep from just caving and demanding that her big sister stay there with her and that she never leave her again.

“Why don’t you come hang out with me and Kate? We’re going to practice some of the moves that she’s not so good with, and they just happen to be our specialty, so I thought you might could help if you want,” Natasha offered suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts. Yelena felt her insides twist a little, and it only made it worse since Yelena knew that Natasha was extending the invitation to her out of a place of kindness.

However, Yelena knew that Natasha was likely better off without her anyway and some part of her was terrified that Natasha was only offering out of pity. After all, why would Natasha be talking to her when she had spent so much time with Kate and had likely by now seen that Kate was so much better than her?

So Yelena just shrugged, forcing nonchalance as she called upon the training she had learned from the Red Room so well. The lie came to her so easily that it almost was baffling especially considering the fact that she was telling the person she trusted most.

“I promised Little Peter I’d go shopping for May with him. It’s her birthday soon and he wanted to get her something nice,” the words slipped off of her tongue as naturally as breathing, and she could not help but curse herself. She really was not good enough to be Natasha’s sister.

Natasha mostly bought the lie, only looking just a little bit skeptical as she eyed the blonde. Yelena kept her eye contact consistent, forcing herself to be as normal as possible.

Natasha finally offered her a small smile, and she tilted her head as she approached her a little closer.

“Hey… After you go hang out with Peter, why don’t we do something together? I feel like we haven’t seen each other all week, and I know I’ve spent a lot of time with Kate recently,” Natasha started, those eyes shining with that beautiful love and care that made Yelena ache, and Yelena immediately shook her head to interrupt her.

“I know why you have. It’s okay,” Yelena told her, and it was honestly a half-truth. She understood why Natasha was spending so much time with Kate as of late, but Yelena was not entirely sure if she herself was okay even though she could sympathize with Kate’s situation.

“I’m so proud of you… But we need some time for just us. Let me know when you’re done with Peter this evening, and me and you are going to Dairy Queen, okay?” Natasha told her with a small, playful grin, and Yelena nodded, forcing a smile onto her face. As much as she longed to be with Natasha and to spend time with her, she knew Natasha did not need someone like her. She also did not want to accept something that Natasha was probably offering out of pity.

Natasha grasped her cheeks softly, leaning forward and kissing the center of her forehead softly. Yelena closed her eyes with the contact, trying not to cry as the urge suddenly overcame her. As Natasha pulled back from her with a soft smile, Yelena forced one of her own, and she moved away from Natasha to walk off in the direction of the elevator.

She could feel Natasha’s eyes on her, but once she got into the elevator, she pointedly did not look at the redhead, not wanting Natasha to catch onto her lie.

The truth was that Yelena was not about to go and spend time with Peter at all. In fact, she did not even really know what he was doing that day.

All of the pain and the stress of the past week had been more than Yelena could take, and she was finally reaching her breaking point. Something about seeing her sister again in that moment had made her hurt even worse. It made her miss her big sister even more, and it was making it even harder for her to accept that she needed to let her go.

So, to deal with these emotions, she was about to go and do something that would be nowhere near acceptable in Natasha’s eyes.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Man, Tasha… Do you always have to throw me on my butt?” Kate complained as she yet again found herself on the floor. Natasha could not help but chuckle somewhat in reply to the kid.

“Only when the situation calls for it. Watch your left side a little better and it might not happen so often,” Natasha teasingly replied with a wink, extending her hand to help Kate to her feet once again.

However, her heart was not particularly in the words or in the entire lighthearted tone of things.

She could not get her mind off of Yelena and the way she had acted earlier. Something had been off, but Natasha could not quite place it. It was confusing her terribly and perplexing her, and all she wanted to do was go and find out what was going on.

Of course, some of the feeling might be because she really just wanted some time with only her and her sister. She missed Yelena, but since the disaster with Kate and her mother, Natasha had felt like Kate needed some additional attention. Kate was hurting deeply, and Natasha knew that Kate deserved a little extra love and special affection. Goodness knows she had been there for Natasha in times of need.

And even though she knew that Yelena likely was not going to like it, Natasha still felt like she needed to give Kate more attention. Especially since Yelena was doing well and was not suffering in the same manner as Kate at the moment.

Shockingly to Natasha, Yelena had been a perfect angel this entire time. Granted, Natasha had not seen her a whole lot, and Natasha was beginning to worry that Yelena was distancing herself to some degree, but Yelena had done nothing to explicitly indicate that there was something wrong. And in the past, Yelena had always very loudly told Natasha if she did not like her spending so much time with Kate.

She just wished she knew precisely what was going on in Yelena’s head. Her most recent confrontation with her was immensely worrying Natasha.

“You okay? You seem distracted,” Kate’s concerned voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts, and Natasha just smiled, the gesture a little strained as she nodded.

“Yeah. I’m fine. You okay?” Natasha sent it back to her, concern slipping into her gaze as she gave Kate a chance to talk about her feelings if she wanted. Kate’s gaze softened into adoration, but there was still some concern evident in her eyes as she looked at the redhead.

“Yeah. This week has been absolutely amazing, and I just wanted to thank you for being there for me,” Kate expressed, and Natasha shook her head, reaching out to touch her face softly as she smoothed her thumb just barely over Kate’s cheek.

“Of course, sweetheart. I’m always here for you if you need me,” Natasha expressed, her words wholehearted and honest as she spoke to the younger girl. After all, even though she missed Yelena and wanted more time with her like they had before this week, she still loved Kate and would always be there for her in her times of need.

“Look, Tasha, I know how hard it has been for you this week. You’ve been spending so much time with me, and you haven’t seen Yelena as much as you normally would. And don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate it and all that you’ve done, but I would never want you to stop spending time with Yelena,” Kate told her, and Natasha swallowed, surprised at the fact that Kate had picked up on her issue.

However, she supposed that she probably should not be that shocked. Kate had gotten to know her pretty well over time. Naturally, she did not know Natasha nearly as well as Yelena did, but Kate still was extremely astute when it came to matters of emotion and empathy. Kate was perhaps one of the most empathetic and selfless people that Natasha knew.

“Sweet one, I wanted to spend some time with you. You needed me, and Yelena… she doesn’t need me as much right now,” Natasha expressed. She knew that Yelena always needed her, but she also knew that there were times when Yelena did not need her quite as much as she could.

Despite all of that, Natasha could not deny that she did indeed want to spend time with Yelena and Yelena alone.

“I know you want to spend time with Yelena… And I know you’ve been worried about her this week. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to pry or get in your business or whatever, but please. If you want to spend time with her, I understand. I truly am feeling better now,” Kate expressed, her voice shining with nothing but honesty, and Natasha scanned her face and eyes for any hint of a lie.

True to her word, Kate seemed to be completely fine and there was no hint of sadness or hurt within her stare. Natasha thanked everything that Kate was such a ray of sunshine and could be so optimistic so often. Kate just needed some time to recover, and then she would come bounding back.

Obviously things were sometimes difficult for her and she sometimes even put on a mask, but Natasha was really good at seeing through it, and since Natasha had found out that she put it up sometimes, Natasha had pointedly made a point to look closer and to offer comfort when she saw it up.

Fortunately, this was not one of those times, and Kate seemed to be truly okay.

“You sure?” Natasha could not help but ask, not wanting to immediately bound away to go and contact her sister to spend time with her despite the fact that she wanted nothing more than to make a beeline for Yelena and just bury her nose in her neck and hug her as hard as she could.

“Go for it, Tasha,” Kate told her with a slight grin, and Natasha truly wondered if her eagerness really showed through that much. She moved forward, grabbing Kate’s face softly, and pulling her down to her level to give her a forehead kiss.

“You are such an angel,” Natasha told her gently, the words slipping out and her not quite meaning for them to. However, as she pulled back a little uncertainly. Kate was grinning widely, and every bit of her expression was practically glowing.

“Nah… I try, but I mean… Like I’m not a total angel. I have a dark side, y’know,” Kate tried to be mysterious and teasing, but she simply came off completely goofy, and Natasha rolled her eyes as she squeezed the girl’s shoulder gently.

“Sure,” Natasha unconvincingly replied as she turned away and walked a small distance away in the gym to call Yelena.

She allowed it to ring, and to her surprise, Yelena did not pick up at all. Natasha furrowed her brow but remained perfectly calm despite her initial feeling to freak out a little. Yelena likely just forgot her phone.

Natasha quickly called Peter, knowing that despite how scatter-brained he could be sometimes that he always kept his phone on him. May would positively tear half of the city apart if she could not get ahold of him, and May was even larger than an Avengers-level threat.

“Hello?”

“Hey, kid. Are you and Yelena done shopping for May?” Natasha questioned, desperately hoping that the answer was yes. Peter was dead silent for a moment until he finally spoke up.

“Uh… No?”

“Oh, okay. That’s okay. But could you maybe text and let me know when you guys are done? I just wanted to—”

“Miss Romanoff…. Um… We’re not shopping for May,” Peter interrupted her tentatively, and Natasha froze in place. Yelena had lied to her? That was completely unlike her, and Natasha immediately felt a sinking feeling deep within her gut.

“What? What are you guys doing then?” Natasha questioned, and she could hear Kate approaching her from behind tentatively.

“Yelena’s not with me. I got May’s present three days ago,” Peter answered, and Natasha remained dead silent as she felt like everything was closing in around her far too quickly and far too tightly.

“Okay… Peter, I’ll talk to you later. I’ve got to find Yelena,” Natasha abruptly announced, her entire being filled with terror, and she could feel Kate drawing nearer.

“Sure! Maybe text and let me know if you find her? I could even help look if you want!” Peter offered, and Natasha shook her head, quickly making the decision that she would first try to find Yelena before bringing Peter into it.

“No, no, that’s okay, Peter, I—”

Natasha paused as she realized someone else was calling her.

“I’ve got to go. Someone’s calling me. It might be Yelena. I’ll text later,” Natasha promised, quickly flipping over to the other call.

“Hello?” Natasha started, desperation leaking into her voice. She had not checked the caller ID before answering, and she was very much hoping to hear Yelena’s voice gracing her ears. That adorably warm Russian voice was always like the sweetest music.

“Hey, uh… It’s Sarah from Moose Hill? We’ve got someone here that’s definitely had one too many and gave me your number to call to pick her up?” the woman on the other end of the phone explained, and Natasha could hear someone drunkenly talking in the background. Natasha felt her stomach plummeting.

“Did she say her name?” Natasha inquired, feeling dread coming over her as she felt like she recognized the voice talking in the background.

“Miss, what’s your name?” the girl questioned, and Natasha listened carefully. She suddenly heard the drunken voice in the background growing much closer.

“Oh, do you have my sister on the phone? Natashka, can you hear me?! It’s Yelena!!!” the voice called, and Natasha let out a deep and long sigh as she closed her eyes and rubbed her head.

“Ma’am, are you still there?” the woman finally spoke up again, sounding a little strained and rather irritated, and Natasha knew that Yelena must be giving her some trouble.

“Yes. I’m coming down there now. What’s your address?” Natasha asked.

Once the woman had finished giving her the address, Natasha thanked her and hung up. She then immediately started heading out toward her car where it was parked outside. She could hear Kate hurrying behind her to keep up.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Kate asked as she sidled up to her. Natasha quickly headed over to grab her jacket which had her keys, and she shrugged it on quickly mid-stride.

“Yelena’s drunk out of her mind at some bar, and I’m going to pick her up,” Natasha told Kate swiftly, something between immense irritation and worry within her.

She honestly could not believe that Yelena had done this. What had possessed her to go and drown herself in what was obviously extremely strong alcohol?

Yelena did not usually drink considering Natasha’s influence in her life, and Natasha was deeply worried about what could have possibly caused her to want to drink in the first place. Yelena only ever had the urge to drink when she was upset about something.

“Can I come with you?” Kate asked, and Natasha let out a sigh as they reached the elevator.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Natasha got out of the car swiftly, and Kate exited immediately after her. Natasha hurried inside the place, pushing through the doors and entering with Kate at her heels. It was a horridly sleazy place, and the thought of Yelena even setting foot in here made Natasha’s stomach turn.

She immediately spotted Yelena sitting at the bar, that blonde ponytail unmistakable as she laid her head and upper body on the bar. Natasha moved over there as quickly as she could.

“Look, lady, don’t talk to me about my sister. My sister’s the best and you keep her name out of your mouth… She’s the wonderfulest person on Earth,” Yelena declared confidently, and Natasha reached her side as she placed her hand on Yelena’s shoulder.

Yelena immediately seemed angry as she shot up drunkenly from her seat. Even in this state, she was still a force to be reckoned with, and she obviously had not recognized Natasha yet.

“Don’t touch me,” Yelena slurred, swinging a surprisingly quick punch. However, it was still not nearly fast enough to hit Natasha, and she easily caught it as she grasped Yelena’s neck with her other hand.

Yelena paused, and after a moment, she became completely calm, just offering Natasha a lopsided grin. She leaned in, almost falling into Natasha, and Natasha grabbed her in her arms quickly as she caught her. Yelena had obviously recognized her, and she had no qualms about fully leaning her body into Natasha as she allowed Natasha to put the effort into holding her up.

“Natty, what’s up?” Yelena questioned, the smell of booze on her breath and her eyes far less focused than they should have been. Natasha let out a deep breath, furrowing her brow as she looked over at the bartender.

“Thank you for calling and for keeping an eye on her. Will this cover all she drank?” Natasha expressed, reaching in her pocket and putting two one-hundred-dollar bills on the bar. The woman took it slowly, her eyes wide as she took in the fact that there was an Avenger standing directly before her.

“Of course,” the woman simply replied, and Natasha turned her head back to face Yelena.

To her surprise, Yelena leaned forward and placed a sloppy kiss against her chin. She had obviously been aiming for Natasha’s cheek, but when Natasha had turned back around, it messed up her aim.

“Love you,” Yelena expressed, and Natasha let out a deep sigh as she shook her head. She loved Yelena, but she was not loving Yelena’s choices and actions at the moment.

“I love you, too. But what were you thinking? Why are you here getting drunk?” Natasha demanded, not really thinking that Yelena was going to give her too many answers but nevertheless hoping she could garner some manner of explanation. She tried to make sure that her questions were clear so that Yelena might could have a chance of answering.

She could feel Kate close by her, and she knew the girl was not entirely comfortable with the atmosphere around them. Of course, Natasha could not blame her since she herself was not entirely comfortable with the surroundings either.

“Don’t remember, don’t matter… Wait… It’s Dairy Queen time, right?! Just you and me?!” Yelena excitedly pointed out, and Natasha could not help but notice that Yelena was still somewhat guarded even in her drunken state.

She obviously remembered more than she let on because she remembered Natasha offering to take them to Dairy Queen. However, Yelena was always better at remembering things when it pertained to food anyway, so Natasha could not be sure.

“No, we’re not getting Dairy Queen tonight. You’re drunk. Besides, we’ve got to take Kate back to the compound, and then we’ve got to go home,” Natasha told her carefully, trying to ensure her words were easy to understand.

Yelena furrowed her brow, suddenly seeming to realize Kate was here. Her eyes narrowed a little as she focused on her, and Kate looked somewhat afraid. Natasha tightened her hold on Yelena’s arms, and Yelena just stared at Kate as she forced herself to stand upright.

“She wants you more than me,” Yelena finally stated, and Natasha maintained a good grasp on Yelena in case she got violent. Kate looked completely baffled, and Natasha could not deny the stab that hit her own heart with Yelena’s words.

“You’re not broken like me,” Yelena gestured to herself, and Natasha loosened her hold immediately as she gaped at the blonde, feeling as if her insides were tearing apart with every slurred word that Yelena stumbled over. Kate looked as if she had been slapped as she stared.

“She deserves somebody who’s got a chance to be something. Not somebody like me that’s just… a washed-up, ugly mess,” Yelena spat, but there was no venom in the words. There was only immense sadness, rejection, and acceptance as she moved over into Kate’s space more closely as she tried to speak to her. Kate glanced swiftly in Natasha’s direction in a silent question of what she should do.

Natasha herself felt like crying and could not even begin to give Kate any directions on what to do. She had absolutely no idea what Yelena had been going through this week. She thought that everything was fine. She figured Yelena might be a little jealous, but because Yelena had not told her what was going on as they promised that they always would, Natasha had completely missed all of this.

And Natasha was beating herself up relentlessly now with the guilt and pure self-hatred.

“You’re annoying, clumsy, and just a kid, but you’re pure. Innocent. She deserves a lil’ sister like you. One that… Not selfish and stupid,” Yelena stumbled forward just a little toward Kate and Kate’s hands shot out to steady her.

Natasha was honestly shocked at the fact that Yelena was stringing together some coherent sentences. They were growing hard to understand given her slurring and the thickening of her accent, but they were nevertheless whole thoughts, and Natasha’s heart was being ripped in half with every single one.

Natasha let out a breath, trying to get ahold of herself, and she reached out, taking Yelena into her arms as she started to guide her toward the door.

“Let’s go, okay?” Natasha coaxed, and Yelena stepped along with her, her center of balance terribly off as she alternated between veering off to the side and leaning hard into Natasha’s side. Kate moved along behind them, remaining a little closer to Yelena in case she fell backwards or something.

“I love you… Want you to be happy,” Yelena pitifully expressed finally as they grew close to the doors leaving the place.

“I know, baby girl… I know,” Natasha replied, trying diligently to keep down the tears at Yelena’s pure honesty and heartfelt love despite her alcohol-addled state. Yelena’s head lolled around for a moment, and then she let her nose crash into the side of Natasha’s neck. She moved her head up and down, rubbing the tip of her nose and her lips gently along Natasha’s skin.

“Katie’s good little kid. Like Little Peter,” Yelena explained, her voice sounding terribly broken as tears started to affect her. Natasha just softly sifted her hand through her hair and caressed her jaw softly.

“C’mon, let’s go home,” Natasha told her, choosing not to answer her more fully for fear that she herself would break down into tears at this point.

“I understand you need to take care of her. She needs taking care of. She’s a baby,” Yelena mumbled almost incoherently against Natasha’s neck, and Natasha just tried to ignore her as she took her over to the back of the car. Kate opened the door for them, allowing Natasha to pick Yelena up and put her in the backseat.

Yelena grabbed onto her, wrapping around her as she always did when she was carried to bed by Natasha at night. Natasha almost felt choked up at the familiarity, and the intense feeling of missing her baby sister flooded all of her senses.

Natasha immediately decided in that moment that if Kate ever needed her again, Natasha would ensure that she could spend time with Yelena and Kate far more equally. Never again would she assume Yelena was fine.

She carefully laid her in the backseat, and as per usual when Yelena grabbed onto her, Yelena did not want to let her go. Natasha let out a deep breath as she turned her head to look back at Kate.

“Can you… Wait, you don’t know how to drive,” Natasha realized, and Kate grinned somewhat sheepishly and awkwardly.

“I mean… I don’t technically know how… But I could try?” Kate offered, and Natasha shook her head, prying Yelena’s arms away from her before working at her legs quickly.

“No, don’t worry. I’ll do it. But we have got to fix that not knowing how to drive situation,” Natasha mumbled the last part to herself as she managed to get Yelena untangled from her. She carefully shut the door before heading over to the driver’s seat and getting in.

Kate slid into the passenger seat, and Natasha quickly started the car and headed for the compound. The sooner that she could get Yelena home, the sooner things might could start getting resolved.

They drove in silence for a while, Kate alternating between looking down at her hands in her lap and looking out the windows. In the quiet, Natasha swiftly began to note that Yelena was somewhere between sleeping and incoherently trying to talk about something.

However, it soon became clear that she was attempting to sing rather than speak.

“Loving can hurt… Loving can hurt sometimes… But it’s the only thing that I know. When it gets hard… Y’know, it can get hard sometimes,” Yelena tried her best to sing, and Natasha felt her gut twist as she realized precisely which song that Yelena was singing. It was Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph,” which was the first song that Peter had wanted to play when he got a guitar for his birthday.

“It is the only thing that makes us feel alive… We keep this love in a photograph… We made these memories for ourselves. Where eyes never close… Hearts never broken… Time’s frozen still… Keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans,” Yelena ended up fading into some manner of humming as she filled in the blanks of words that she did not know by heart.

Natasha wiped at her eyes with her free hand, unable to keep herself from crying at the words of the song and how beautiful her sister’s voice sounded even when she was drunk out of her mind. She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, and she glanced over to her side to see that Kate was just looking at her softly with a somewhat weak smile.

Natasha smiled back at her gratefully before averting her eyes to the road before them and swallowing hard. She positioned her right hand so that she could open it up to hold Kate’s, and as soon as she opened her palm, Kate’s hand found her own.

To Natasha’s surprise, she suddenly felt breaths falling against the back of her neck. As she came to a halt at a stop sign, she craned her neck to try to see what Yelena was doing. She had draped herself onto the back of Natasha’s seat, and her chin was resting near Natasha’s left shoulder as she breathed heavily and sounded near completely passing out.

Natasha let out a breath, raising her left hand from the wheel briefly to touch the side of Yelena’s face as she remained paused at the stop sign. Yelena leaned into her grasp a little, her nose pressing into Natasha’s hand before she pressed a somewhat sloppy kiss to her hand.

Natasha let out a breath before hesitantly moving her hand away and returning her hand to the steering wheel as she kept driving. They were nearing the compound at this point.

As she heard snores resounding in her ears, she knew that her baby sister had finally passed out. She let out a deep breath, tightening her grip a little on Kate’s hand.

What a mess they found themselves in…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Yelena opened her eyes just a little, and the first thing that she noticed was that there was bright sunlight shining in her eyes. She closed them quickly once again, noting the headache affecting her horridly. She hid her face into her pillow, and she let out a slight breath nearing a whine before sucking in the scent of the pillow. It very loudly screamed Natasha’s scent, and she nuzzled her nose further into it, loving the smell and feeling it start to erase a little of the sharper edges of her headache.

As something suddenly tightened around her waist, she paused, realizing that the scent was not just emanating from the pillow.

“I brought some pills and a glass of water for the hangover,” Natasha whispered near her ear just behind her, and Yelena furrowed her brow, trying to remember what had happened last night. She finally recollected getting drunk, but she could not really remember what had happened after her eleventh shot of their strongest stuff that they offered.

However, Natasha must have somehow found her after she had done it, and she had no idea how the redhead had done it. Yelena had purposefully not brought her phone with her because she had wanted to get drunk out of her mind without interruption. She must have only accomplished half of that goal.

Yelena immediately felt guilt washing over her as she realized that her sister was here with her and as she realized that Natasha must have found out she lied to her.

“What happened?” Yelena risked asking, not about to bring everything else up of her own accord despite the fact that she knew the truth was about to come out to Natasha regardless of whether she wanted it to or not. Yelena was feeling entirely too awful to fight her too much and at this point, she was almost drunk on her sister’s scent and her gentle, loving touch.

“You went out to a bar, didn’t bring your phone with you, and when you had way too much, the bartender called me and asked me to pick you up,” Natasha explained, and Yelena could hear the barest hints of unhappiness in her voice.

“I’m sorry,” Yelena tentatively apologized. It was vague, but she knew Natasha would know what she meant. She was sorry for worrying her, getting drunk, and lying to her. Natasha was quiet for a moment before speaking up again.

“Don’t be,” Natasha replied, her words so frighteningly soft that Yelena could not read in-between the lines to determine her tone. Yelena immediately opened her eyes despite her headache, and she furrowed her brow in confusion.

There was a silence between them for a long moment, and Yelena was honestly scared to say anything else. She was not sure what was going through her sister’s head, and she could not get a good idea of it without looking at her.

Yelena shifted somewhat uncomfortably and was about to turn around, but Natasha suddenly spoke up.

“This is all my fault,” Natasha admitted, and Yelena was positively baffled at the fact that the older woman sounded near tears. Yelena turned in her embrace so that she could look at her incredulously.

There were tears shining in those gorgeous light greens, and they were only further accentuated by the sunlight coming through the window and pouring onto her face as she looked at Yelena. Yelena’s eyes widened a little, and she almost completely forgot her headache as she reached up softly and touched Natasha’s face, cupping it in her grasp as she eyed her.

“It’s not… Natasha,” Yelena used Natasha’s actual name without its usual fond addition to the end, trying to communicate how serious she was about her statement.

“Yelena, it is. I neglected you and made you feel like I wanted Kate more than you,” Natasha used her actual name in return, and Yelena felt her stomach flipping. It almost sounded like Natasha knew this for a fact, and it made her nervous.

“No. No, you didn’t—”

“Last night, you told me I deserved somebody who wasn’t broken and who was innocent like Kate,” Natasha dropped the bomb, and Yelena was quiet for a moment. She more than anything wanted to deny the words, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Natasha shook her head immediately.

“And don’t even try to write that off as you being drunk and not knowing what you were talking about. One thing about being drunk is that it not only makes you act in ways you wouldn’t normally, but it also shows more of your true self and feelings. Trust me… I know,” Natasha expressed, blinking and allowing several droplets of tears to tragically stream down her face. Yelena wiped them away, feeling positively awful as she realized that she must have dumped a lot of her feelings on Natasha the previous night.

And given the grief, utter guilt, and self-loathing in Natasha’s eyes, Yelena was willing to bet that Natasha knew the entire expanse of emotion she was feeling and why she had gone out to drink herself into a stupor in the first place.

“Natashka…”

“I love you more than anything in the world, and I never think of you as broken. If anyone’s broken, it’s me. I don’t even know how to do this thing with us right, and I keep hurting you,” Natasha admitted, and Yelena shook her head a little, involuntarily disagreeing with the redhead’s words.

“And I don’t deserve Kate more than you. I don’t deserve her, and I most certainly more than anything don’t deserve you. Kate is innocent, but you are,” Natasha paused for a moment, letting out a small breath as she tried to collect her thoughts and keep her voice steady. Yelena easily recognized the technique as one of her own that she used to keep from letting the tears overtake her.

“You’re my everything and you are quite possibly one of the most forgiving, loving people I know. And I never deserved you. Not when we were kids, and most certainly not now,” Natasha admitted, and Yelena swallowed hard, feeling tears coming to her now.

“Natashka, you’re not broken. I am broken. And you deserve everything,” Yelena admitted to her openly, her thumbs stroking Natasha’s cheeks under her eyes as Natasha kept her arms around her middle.

“No. You’re not broken. If you’re broken, then I sure as anything am,” Natasha sharply replied, and Yelena knew that Natasha was not going to give up on the words. She was in that stubborn state of mind where she refused to accept any other criticisms.

“You’re not broken,” Yelena argued, and Natasha nodded resolutely.

“Okay. So you’re not broken either,” Natasha pointed out, and Yelena shook her head.

“I didn’t say that,” Yelena let out a small humorless chuckle, and Natasha just stared at her expectantly.

“Then say it,” Natasha told her, and Yelena remained quiet as she closed her eyes for a short moment.

“Natashka.”

“You’re not broken. You’re my baby sister. You’re mine. Mine, mine, mine for as long as you’ll have me, and I will do anything to prove that to you,” Natasha firmly explained, her tone leaving no room for argument and her voice desperate and strangely full of love. Her eyes were shining with determination and that stubbornness that had been so characteristic of her throughout her entire life.

Yelena swallowed hard at Natasha’s admission, Natasha’s claiming of her flooding her senses for a moment and overwhelming her with so much adoration and idolization. She let out a small breath, searching Natasha’s gaze as she felt her heart filling and the doubts from before starting to fade away a little.

“What can I do to prove it?” Natasha asked softly, moving her arms from Yelena’s middle to cradle her face as she just stared into her eyes, those light greens boring into her very soul. Yelena swallowed hard.

“Just,” Yelena swallowed again, trying to get ahold of herself and speak past the lump in her throat. “Could you start by just maybe some love?”

Natasha’s eyes softened, and she immediately smoothed her hands over Yelena’s cheeks and ran them through her hair. She then moved her head forward to kiss Yelena’s cheeks, forehead, nose, and chin. Yelena closed her eyes, reveling in the contact as she simply relished her sister’s nearness and the soft contact she was offering her.

Natasha finally took the back of her head in her hand and drew her against her chest, her chin on top of her head. Yelena wasted no time nuzzling her nose into Natasha’s collarbone as Natasha’s fingers scratched softly at her scalp as her other hand stroked her back.

“I love you. Please tell me if something like this is happening with you. I always want to know what’s going on,” Natasha whispered, sounding close to tears, and Yelena nodded against her.

“I will. I love you, too.”

Yelena just nestled closer to her, taking a deep breath of Natasha.

She had missed this so much. And come what may, she never aimed to let her go again.

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hb-writes · 3 years

Text

You’ve Always Been Naive

Summary: It’s 1925 in the Little Lady Blinder universe. After an epic row, Tommy allows Clara to stay more regularly on Watery Lane with a few conditions, one of which is a mid-week meeting at the Midland Hotel to check in.

Characters: Tommy Shelby & Clara (Shelby!Sister)

Content Warnings: canon-typical content, angst, (underage) drug use (requested by anon)

Tommy glanced up from his whiskey sour as his sister stepped up to the table, her face a deliberately neutral façade as she set a ledger down in front of him, a week's worth of academic work stuffed inside the front cover.

"Lizzie said you'll need that for tomorrow," Clara offered as she extracted the papers, placing them on top and pushing the pile towards him. "And here are the assignments you've asked for. If that's all, I have plans, so…"

Tommy watched her determination waver a bit as he raised a brow, her confidence retreating the longer she stood planted in front of him, the first she'd been directly in his presence for a little over a week.

A meeting at the Midland Hotel had been Tommy's idea. Clara had accepted the summons, accepted the hotel as a sort of neutral territory though it was in no way impartial. The hotel was Tommy's home more days than it wasn't, filled with a staff as loyal to his payment as the staff of Arrow House, loyal like the staff of the company, but the Midland's staff didn't know Clara Shelby as well as the others. They didn't have their claws in her, couldn't appeal to her on Tommy's behalf like the others did, like little Charlie did, or Ada, so when Tommy requested the midweek meeting as a condition of his allowing her to stay on the lane far more often than she did under his roof, Clara felt she had little option but to agree.

Tommy barely glanced at the things she'd set on the table, more interested in the fact that Clara hadn't yet found her seat, still standing across from him bundled in all the cloth that had protected her from the stinging wind and chill on the walk over, almost as if she was convinced the coat and scarf and gloves would protect her from him too.

"Take a seat."

"I already said I—"

"You're going to make a scene?"

Both of Tommy's eyebrows rose with the question, the words almost a dare, or perhaps better likened to a threat, and Clara glanced about the room only to determine that the Midland wasn't the proper place for a shouting match with her brother. Scheduling the meeting there was meant to keep the two of them in check, but Clara knew Tommy would show no hesitation in raising his voice back should she choose to make a go of it, settling her firmly in the place where he thought she belonged with a mere line or two.

Clara's cheeks warmed at the mere thought.

"That's what I thought." Tommy shifted, sitting up straighter in his chair, eyeing its empty match across the table. "Take a seat."

Clara remained in her spot, pulling her eyes from him as she forced her finger into the opening between her coat sleeve and glove to expose the delicate watch set on her wrist.

Lizzie's handwriting in her diary had marked her down to be at the Midland with Tommy from 6:00 to 7:00, but she's made herself quarter of an hour late by a bit of purposeful dawdling at the office followed by a bit of nervous pacing out front of the hotel that had left her with chilled toes and wind-chapped cheeks.

"I really can't see why I need to. You've seen I'm alive and well—" Clara gestured to the book and papers. "—You have the ledger, have proof I've been doing as I've been told, and I'm certain you've already gotten reports off of—"

"Take a seat."

Tommy finished his drink, the ice clattering against the glass as he set it on the table, all of the force that wasn't there in his voice focused into the gesture before he pulled the papers closer, thumbing through her work though he cared little to see the grades or completeness. He had little concern that Clara wouldn't hold up that end of the deal, her motivations in that arena extending beyond any guidelines he could set for her.

And anyway, Tommy already knew she'd been towing the line. He didn’t need the completed packet of school assignments to know she was following his rules. He didn’t need this encounter to know she was alright either, his curiosity on the matter fulfilled well enough through reports from Lizzie and Ada and Frances and Michael, his confidence bolstered by the lack of contact from the school. Even Finn’s first words to him in every meeting over the last week and a half had been about their sister.

People usually told him things, always had, seemed to give him what he needed in that respect without him having to ask after it, but Tommy didn’t always trust the word of the world. There were some things he preferred to see for himself, some questions he needed to hear the answer to while seeing the reaction on her face before she got the chance to put her clever words in the way.

Something about the power of the impending fourth request to take a seat, and the knowledge that it wouldn’t be as much of a request as it was an order coming from Tommy’s lips, helped Clara to lower herself into the chair across from her brother. She kept quiet while Tommy thumbed through her work, slipping the gloves from her hands and settling them on the table though she allowed herself to shed nothing more as she sat on the edge of the seat, her back straight, every muscle in her feeling taut and strained while she waited.

“You’ve been busy.”

Clara nodded. She had been busy, and she was quite certain her brother was at fault for that, accepting her being out from under his roof, but not out from under his thumb, ensuring she had more than enough to keep her busy, keeping her so occupied once she held up her end that all she wanted was her bed.

The worst part was Clara knew it. She knew this wasn’t really the freedom she was after, the distance she’d said she needed, but she couldn’t help herself when it came to meeting expectations. Clara was losing either way, but the fact that she kept trying bothered her brother, that she knew. That she’d rather adhere to his rule and work herself to death than live under his roof and play that game unsettled him.

People listened to Thomas Shelby for many reasons—because of his influence or his threats, because they hadn’t a choice. He imagined his siblings fell into the last category, left without much of a choice, but he’d always imagined the girls were a bit different. His brothers filed in line like the soldiers they were, but the girls weren’t soldiers. The girls had always seemed to be tied to him and his words in some other way, some sort of different understanding falling between the three of them, but with Clara especially. The understanding didn't seem to be there any longer though, replaced with the same soldiering that he'd seen with his brothers.

“I’ve been doing as I was told,” Clara offered.

“And what were you told?”

Clara huffed, settling back in the chair, her shoulders slumping at his question, something about him making her repeat it for him doing the work that his tone alone couldn’t.

Clara fixed her gaze out the windows in the front as the waiter approached the table.

"Anything for the young lady, Mr. Shelby?"

"Tea," he said, not pulling his eyes from his sister, her annoyance at the order he placed on her behalf clear in the twitch of her face though she stayed quiet until the man stepped away.

"I'm not staying, Tommy. I told you I have plans."

He tilted his watch face to check the time. “Not until seven.”

Clara seemed to accept that seeing as she didn’t fight him, settling a bit further into the chair, shifting her gaze out the window once again.

“So, back to doing as you’re told, then.”

Tommy raised his eyebrows, blinking at her long and slow though she’d met his gaze for only a short moment before turning her attention elsewhere, to watch people coming in through the front door.

“School assignments, exams, the company, Sunday dinners. Your meetings...and all of it’s up to par, Tommy. I’m—”

“And what about this?”

Clara stilled as he set the blue vial on the table, her pulse picking up as he left it there and sunk back into his own chair.

"Tommy!" she hissed, nearly reaching out her hand to knock it from the table, to remove it from such a clear view, but no one was watching them.

Tommy scoffed, leaning forward and closing the vial in his hand before pointing a finger at his sister. "I told you if there was any fucking nonsense, I'd bring you right back home."

"I am home," she answered. "Can't get more like home than Watery Lane."

Tommy's snort was so quiet Clara didn't even catch it and he nodded, leaning his chin on his hand as he sat back, his finger idly rubbing his jaw as he considered her. "You think you're clever."

"I am clever," Clara answered, unwinding the scarf from her neck, her eyes diverted as she focused on the meticulous folding of the fabric before she set the bundle on top of her gloves. "You've always said."

Tommy shook his head, the second snort almost leading to a smile before he cleared his throat, shifting his position again and rooting around for his cigarettes before he spoke.

"I'm not in the mood for it, Clara. You've been asking questions about things you have no business with and it stops now."

Tommy caught her eye roll as he lit the cigarette, couldn't miss it really, the way the gesture took over her whole expression, her whole body really, and he wondered whether she'd done it on purpose or if it was just a reflex.

Clara was inclined to do far more than roll her eyes at him, a whole queue of arguments settled at the leading edge of her tongue, every part of her except her lips prepared to fight him because everyone else was allowed a bit of snow for the simple fun of it, but Clara had a feeling voicing that argument wouldn't do well in the end. It would only serve to tell him what he somehow didn't yet know, that she hadn't simply asked her questions, that she'd also tried it for herself.

It had just been the one time, to quell some curiosity, a small indulgence, and even if it had helped her stay alert to get done what she'd needed to get done, Clara wasn't keen to try it again. Tommy had no need of knowing it, so she swallowed her arguments, swallowed her pride and distaste for the double standards that ruled her life.

"Fine, Thomas. I've heard you. You want me to stop asking questions. And Michael and Finn are loyal to you, not me. It's all understood, nothing for you to waste your precious time worrying over." She was sitting up straight in the chair once again, perched on the edge and eager to be out the door before the tea came. "Is there anything else?" she asked. "As I said, I do have other plans."

Tommy pinched the bridge of his nose, releasing an exhale before tapping the ash at the end of his cigarette into the tray between them and holding her gaze.

“You’ve never tried it, then?”

Clara opened her mouth and Tommy let out a hollow laugh before she could answer, the cigarette pointed in her direction once again.

“And don’t you fucking lie to me, Clara.”

His gaze was unblinking and Clara held onto it as long as she could manage, not even allowing herself to breathe for several moments as she stared back at him, a familiar strain falling between the two of them.

Clara allowed herself a small intake of breath, attempted to take in a little air before she'd find herself gasping for it, attempted to extend the standoff a bit longer, but her resolve crumbled with the exhale, Tommy's attack coming before she'd even finished the breath.

“You’re going back to Arrow—”

“No, I'm not. It was just the one—”

Tommy's laugh cut her off, set a silence between them as he took a drag off the cigarette. “If you believe that, you’re just being naive, always have—”

“Excuse me?”

“You're clever, but you’ve always been naive,” Tommy said. “And all you’ve done this evening is show me that that is still the case.�� He cleared some ash into the tray.

“If the work’s too much, you cut out the fun with the boys. It’s something you kids don’t seem to understand.” He set his finger down into the pile, jabbing the folder of school assignments and the ledger with each word. “The business comes first.”

Clara scoffed, the force of it so gentle it was barely noticeable, and she glanced at her watch. “It’s five after,” she said, scooping her gloves and scarf into her arms as she stood, pushing her chair back in place.

Tommy nodded. “I want you at the house on Sunday…to see Charlie. We can finish this then."

"There’s nothing to finish," she answered, setting her gaze away from him as she wrapped the cloth around her neck and pulled her gloves from the table, fitting one hand inside. "See you Sunday."

Clara took a step away as she worked the other glove over her fingers and Tommy caught her elbow, his hold far more gentle than any of the words he'd tossed at her during their meeting, more gentle than his stares or the mock laughter.

A wetness grew in Clara's eyes and she stayed faced away from him for a moment as she tried to resolve the tears, swallowing hard, her arm going limp as Tommy's grip shifted, sliding down her arm to clasp her wrist.

Enough. That's what his hand on her wrist meant, a gesture Clara and Charlie used to ask for the end of any bit of play that had gone a bit too far, a signal that communicated when it was too much, a gesture Clara knew Tommy had been deliberate in choosing.

"Clara, I mean it. No more snow, alright? If something were to happen, I…"

His words sent a searing lump into her throat, that combined with the touch sending her mind down into a spiral of guilt and shame, and as much as Clara hated Tommy for his role in it, for having the power to do it, she hated herself just as well for succumbing to it, even more for ever stepping out of line to begin with, disappointed with herself and her choices even though everyone else did it.

Clara cursed her brother and his temperamental provision of care, the sparse deliverance of love, and his double standards, and then she’d cursed herself, cursed the expectations and rules she’d set on herself and everything about the relationship that existed between them. Clara pulled her hand loose, tugging her glove the rest of the way into place before she took a deep breath, her back still to her brother as she bid him farewell.

"I'll see you Sunday, Thomas."

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Little Lady Blinder (Peaky Blinders) Masterlist

#peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fanfiction #shelby sister #shelby!sister #tommy shelby #clara shelby #little lady blinder #500 follower celebration #hb.writes angst #wednesday update

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