#I’ve forgiven my dad but it’s hard to forgive my mom and sister

[rosereign]

I had a dull day I kept fighting with my sisters voice lame as hell

[impossiblycolorfulpanda]

Aang: Hey guys. Zuko and I are gonna need Appa for a while. If anyone wants to come with us, by all means hop on.

Katara: Why? What’s going on.

Aang: Vaatu has Azula. We’re going to get her back.

Katara: You two are still trying to save her? Still trying to fix her? Even after everything she’s done?

Aang: First of all, I don’t like the term ‘fixing,’ she’s a person, not a wind-up toy. Secondly, what are we supposed to do? Just let her suffer and die?

Katara: (shrugs)

Aang: You don’t have to come along, ya know. We all know how much you don’t like her.

Katara: And why do you think that is? She took over Ba sing se, it was her idea to sentence the entire earth kingdom to suffer the same fate as the air nomads, she shot you and Zuko, she tried to shoot me, she attacked Suki, and held a bunch of kids hostage. She’s dangerous and insane. She had plenty of chances to change and rejected them.

Zuko: I won’t let her commit any more war crimes, but I won’t turn my back on her either. I owe her too much.

Katara: I get that she’s your sister, she helped save your life and overturned your banishment, Zuko, but she tried to kill you and corrupt you afterwards and has become viciously psychotic. (To Aang) Don’t you get it? She almost killed you! Another fire nation monster almost took someone else I care about the most away from me! I swore to myself I wasn’t gonna let that happen! Not again!

Aang: This isn’t like with your mom or with your dad, Katara.

Katara scoffed.

Aang: Your mom dying, Vaatu killing your dad, none of that was your fault. Don’t ever tell me that I don’t understand!

Katara: I’m sorry I dismissed your tragedy before. I just don’t get how you can be so easily forgiving. I once told you that I will never forgive Yon Rha, regardless, if Hama killed him or not. As for Vaatu, he’s proven to be the worst of the worst, I, personally, wanna do a lot more than just kill him. I want him to suffer as badly as possible, for everything that he’s done. And he’s going to. But I thought what I said about the southern raiders would teach you something.

Aang: Teach me what?

Katara: That some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. You don’t owe people who hurt you any forgiveness.

Aang: Look, I’m sorry I was demanding and forceful about forgiveness before. I realize that I wanted you to forgive for my sake rather than for your own. But forgiveness is not about deserve, it doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you a doormat. You can still set up boundaries, you can still be concerned for your own safety. Yes, it is hard, but trust me, it’s worth it. Once the threat level of your enemies is neutralized than that’s the moment where it’s recommended to forgive them, not for them but for yourself, if you don’t then they take power over you. Forgive them for your OWN sake.

Katara: You think rescuing her will reduce her threat level and it’ll persuade her to be on our side? Even when she’s good enough of a liar to fool even Toph? You found out that the air nomad philosophy was flawed and sometimes hypocritical. You’ve broken your no kill rule many times and you’ve never even noticed but learned to be ok with it. I bet that means you understand that some people deserve to die.

Aang: Are you saying I should kill her when I get the chance? I don’t need to kill her. I’ve said before, ever since I reopened all my chakras, Azula and I have become more connected than ever. I can see past her lies better than Toph can. Yes, I’ve broken the oath, as did the other monks in a desperate attempt to survive, even when that meant going against their own lessons. It all still haunts me, but it shows that things aren’t as clear cut as I used to believe, and a certain amount of inner darkness is needed for internal balance. My culture’s a part of me but it doesn’t define me, and as the avatar, I’m required to embrace all ideologies, even some completely opposite of my own, I don’t need to trade one for the other.

Zuko: Can we hurry this along? Azula still needs us.

Aang: Clocks ticking guys, anyone who wants to come needs to head on Appa now.

Sokka: We’ll likely run into Vaatu again. You’re gonna need all the help you can get.

Sokka, Suki, Toph, Mai, Ty Lee, Aang and Zuko hopped on Appa. Zuko saw Katara standing there.

Zuko: Katara, please.

Katara clutched his fists, sighed and climbed aboard.

Aang: Yip-Yip.

Appa than launched off.

[saby-chan]

Why the ATLA comics fail when it comes to Zuko and his family

To whom ever took their time to actually stop and read this post, thank you in advance for not skipping my post and willing to stay and read my humble opinion! I hope I won’t disappoint you!

As a relatively newcomer to the ATLA fanbase since 2020, I’ve come across a lot of interesting debates, comments and rants about the show, characters and fandom in general, but nothing has captivated me as much as the dumpster-on-fire that are the ATLA comics, more specifically: The Promise and The Search. 

On one hand we have the hardcore fans who want them to be animated or serialized into the Netflix live action, praising the comics for the new views and subject matters they’ve brought into the show’s lore, while on the other hand we have the furious Azula fandom who is really angry for the fact that best girl didn’t get the redemption arc she rightfully deserved so much after the painful event that was the Last Agni Kai and the even more angry fans of the Urzai ship (yeah, the people who actually ship Zuko’s parents unironically) who hated the retconning of the show’s cannon since the comics basically took a huge fat dump on what was previously established as official cannon, when the Search entered the scene, but between these two sides, who has the more valid point? In the end, are the comics good cannon or bad written fanfiction?

Well... Here are my two cents on this matter since I myself happen to be an Azula and Zuko fan and had huge expectations from these comics (since I wanted more from my fave hot-headed fiery siblings duo) but ended up disappointed: the comics are indeed a huge mess and actually bad written fanfiction when it comes to Zuko and his family! Don’t click off yet, because I actually documented the reasons why exactly the comics fail in this area:

1. The author of these comics is not part of the BryKe duo

Yes, I would like to start with the fact that if you actually take a second to look up who in the heck took the time to write these two books, you won’t find Bryan, nor Mike, but a fellow man named Gene Yang. This is important because while the wiki of both The Promise and The Search state BryKe as the creators, that doesn’t mean that they were the actual minds behind these comics, but rather because ATLA is their “baby” and these comics involve their characters, over which they have copyright. Mr. Yang here is the actual brain behind the plot, as the main writer, which explains why we find huuuuge inconsistencies between the show lore and the comics, especially Zuko wise.

My main issue with Mr. Yang isn’t that he isn’t BryKe specifically, but because he did an unforgivable mistake in his writing process: He projected himself into Zuko’s character, based on the relationship Zuko had with his father. This is a documented fact from an interview in which he explains that he sees himself and his dad’s relationship into Zuko and Ozai and used that when writing their interactions and built Zuko’s character in the comics. And this is wrong because when you have an already very developed and complex character such as Zuko, you can’t just come in and be like “Oh, I was an angsty teen just like him in my teenage years, fighting with my dad and whatnot, so he must have the same thought process as me!”. NO! This is bad fanfiction writer behavior! Zuko has his own personality and philosophy, which he developed over the course of 3 seasons and is not defined by only 1 unfortunate aspect of his past, so you can’t just base his whole mindset and actions off of your own personal experience just because you had the same daddy issues he had!

2. The whole “Promise that you will kill me if I turn out like my dad!” nonsense in The Promise

Reason number 2 why these comics fail and go under the category of “bad fanfiction” is because they fail to convey the core essence of the source material. The whole point of Zuko’s redemption was that he realized the wrongdoings of his ancestors and his own mistakes. He outgrew his desire of gaining his father’s acknowledgement in favor of choosing his own destiny. Having him worry that he’ll turn into his father is utter nonsense and feels like poor angsty drama material for the sake of angst. At this point in time, Zuko has overcame that obstacle in his life a long time ago and should be at the level where he himself is the “Uncle Iroh” for other people and in no way someone concerned of becoming their own worst enemy!

Not only that, but the whole point of Aang’s journey and the story of the show as a whole was to teach us, the viewers, the importance of forgiveness, empathy and love in life. Aang didn’t spare Ozai, aka “the ultimate evil” just to flex in front of his pals or because he is a “ 12 y/o vegan pacifist monk kid”, but because he knew that killing someone, no matter of what they did or wanted to do, wouldn’t restore balance into the Universe, on the contrary, him killing the villain would have meant perpetuating the “endless cycle of hate” that plagued the world. So having Aang promise to kill his best friend in case “they turned into an evil maniac like their dad�� contradicts Aang’s whole character and it’s a nonsense that throws into the trash what we’ve learnt throughout the entire TV series.

3. Azula deserved (and was supposed) to have a redemption ark

This might still be pure speculation, but I count it as a documented reason because I’ve heard quite a few people saying that there should’ve been a book 4 in the show, aka “Book 4: Air”, and no, it wasn’t The Search, but actually Zuko and Azula’s journey as Zuko helps his younger sister heal her broken mind by being her very own “Uncle Iroh”. Sure, they prolly were going to end up looking for Ursa, but the journey should’ve ended with them actually being happy and a family again and not the bs we got in The Search where a still very unstable Azula runs away and becomes the “Next Joker”! The only problem is that M. Night had to pop up and curse the world with his movie, which forced BryKe to delay the project (and eventually abandoned it in favor of Korra).

All in all, either if BryKe had this preplanned or not, it made sense for Azula to get a redemption ark, she deserved it because she was just a broken 14 y/o child! If Katara’s mom’s murderer deserved to be forgiven, so did this poor child who had no fault for what happened to her since she had a dysfunctional family! What Gene Yang did in his poorly written fanfiction was to just antagonize a broken child, turning her into a monster for the sake of friggin angst!

4. The Search is the worst of the two, being flat af character wise

And finally, getting to the point that I personally find the most annoying about these comics: The Search. This one... This one is a mess on a hella lot many levels, and just to list a few: characters are flat as fudge, being either black as vanta black (like Ozai and Azula) or pure white like Gene’s Gary Stue OC, Mr Ikem (or how I like to call him, IKEA man) and his ‘victim’ rendition of Ursa, Azula gets to suffer more for no reason (see reason number 3 to why I find this as a no no), Ursa’s whole character sucks ass (man, I could write a whole thesis on why Yang’s version of her is terrible and doesn’t match the strong woman we got in the show) and Zuko does morally wrong stuff (my man literally used his unstable sister to bribe their dad into spitting info about Ursa... Show Zuko would never do that!;-;)

Oh boy, as a person who’s seen a ton of anime and other media and read many books, I can’t begin on how much I despise this type of writing: flat characters are the worst!

 ATLA characters in the show are nothing close to being flat! What I mean by that is that none of them fall perfectly into pure white (aka goodest of good characters with no imperfections) or vanta black (aka lowest and darkest twisted monsters out there), each of them are various shades of grey (like Aang who is a very light grey because despite being a very kind and nice character, he still isn’t a “perfect hero” since he ran away from his duties, practiced tax fraud with Toph, had insecurities and even threatened to kill people on ocassions like with the sand benders who took Appa) and this is a good choice because that prevents them from becoming what’s globally known as Mary Sues and Gary Stues (aka those either “perfect” characters with no flaws and/or unlimited power, or the twisted monsters full of flaws).

And the other reason why many other people hate The Search: it literally negates previously established cannon. And here comes my short essay on why this comic fails Zuko’s family (since we’ve already talked enough about Zuko himself).

In cannon and even interviews with BryKe, it was clearly stated that Zuko’s family was “once happy”. Where is this “once happy” family in The Search? All I see is pain, deception, lies and betrayal, nothing close to anything that resembles happiness. Okay, some of you might come in and say that “It’s because it was never the case! It was only lies and Zuko trying to convince himself that he didn’t live in hell forever!” and here is WHERE YOU WERE ALL WRONG! And why? Because, my dear fella, where were depicted the flashbacks of Zuko’s “happy family” in The Beach? Ember Island. And what do we know and had been even quoted in the show?  "Like waves washing away the footprints on the sand, Ember Island gives everyone a clean slate. Ember Island reveals the true you." (direct quote from the show). Exactly, no matter who you are or how hard you try, you can’t hide your true self when you are on the Ember Island, best example being Azula, who’s impenetrable though shell cracked and revealed the true vulnerable child that was underneath. If Azula couldn’t resist the “spell of the island”, no one can. So this means that Zuko’s family was indeed happy once and yes, Ozai wasn’t always the douchebag we got to know in Season 3 (I have a whole nother essay on my theories regarding what could be his real past story and why he’s actually the “Zuko” of his generation, based on stuff I gathered from old wiki entries and character analyses I made, but that’s for another time, lemme know if ya’ll are interested).

And what I guess is the biggest proof why The Search did this family’s past trash is comics Ursa herself. My dude, if this woman were indeed the victim of years of endless abuse and never loved her husband, I guarantee you that she would’ve been closer to what we saw in Todoroki’s mom from BNHA and Zuko would’ve gotten that scar or even worse long before the Agni Kai, not from his “daddy dearest”, but from “mommy dearest” herself, because no sane woman would be soo affectionate and attached to a child that’s the perfect copy of their abuser, sepecially appearance wise (again see Todoroki’s mom’s case from BNHA because the stories are really similar) and in no way would’ve she been willing to sacrifice her life for said child’s sake. With this ocassion, I remind ya’ll folks that according to the ancient ATLA cannon wikis on Nick’s site, Ozai was designed with Zuko’s appearance in mind, being meant to be like a “grown up scarless version” of Zuko. So yeah, remember this with a grain of salt that whenever you simp over grown up Zuko, you involuntary simp for Ozai too.

So yeah, I guess this kinda concludes my “not so short” rant about why the comics fail and are bad fanfiction. Lemme hear your thoughts in the comments and if you agree, feel free to leave a like and even reblog.

Bye bye and remember that Momo is the true strongest character of the show!

 Saby out.

[purplesurveys]

1240

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets?  I can’t make any dish. I wonder when I’ll get my ass up and start learning...

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair?  I wouldn’t dare; I have no skills in that department at all.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for?  Angela and Hans came over so we can watch Sowoozoo. 

How many long term relationships have you been in?  One.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on?  My default is lights out, but sometimes I’ll fall asleep with my night lamp still on and that’s fine too.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done?  I don’t really do forgiving.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey?  No. I’ve tried listening to her songs but I find them too slow for my liking.

Do you know your blood type?  It’s O but I keep forgetting what specific type.

Do you know your mother’s birthday?  Yes.

Have you got your period at the moment?  It’s on its last few days.

Have you ever been pregnant?  Nopes.

How old were you when you first went on a plane?  I was around 10 or 11, can’t remember exactly. But it was in 2009 and we headed to Boracay.

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything?  No. OMG, adult activity I don’t quite understand just yet hfdhfkdjfhdf.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life?  Yeah they’re both grumbling right now just outside of my room because the power went out lmfao.

When was the last time you went apple picking?  I’ve never done this. Apples don’t grow here.

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?  My pay for the last two weeks haha, but that’s not coming until Friday.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work?  No, I wouldn’t dare. I’m pretty unpredictable when I get drunk, so I’d rather stay safe haha. I’ve worked while tipsy, but it had been outside of work hours.

How many bedrooms are in your house?  4. One for each kid, then my parents’.

Are you smart about computers?  Nah.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii?  We didn’t have the game on our Wii, but I’ve played Just Dance before, just at other peoples’ houses.

Do you own a Xbox 360?  We were a Playstation household.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars?  Erm, sure, whatever.

So, do you need a nap?  I think I should be taking one for the sake of my health, but I won’t.

What would you rather be doing?  I stumbled upon a Facebook post of this newly-opened store in Greenhills that exclusively sells photocards and I wanna head the fuck over there rn with Angela. That store concept is practically unheard of so it’s a big deal and I wanna go there as I’m 100% sure the BTS ones would sell out pretty fast. But they heightened the stupid COVID protocols yet again and we have to stay at home, so there’s that.

What sport are you the best at?  Table tennis.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name?  Yeah but she’s turning 21 this year, so little wouldn’t be accurate anymore. We call her Nina at home but everyone else calls her by her full first name, Janina.

Do you complain a lot?  I do complain a lot but I also do the thing that is causing the complaint right after so I can shut myself up lmao.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple?  Both sound fun but I’ll probably take the temple. Yay for learning something new about culture!!

Do you like fruity or minty gum?  I don’t mind flavor when it comes to gum because they fade out anyway.

Are you looking forward to any day of this month?  My company set another mental health break day this upcoming August 27th, so I’ll be thinking about that day throughout the month.

Have you ever gotten detention?  We don’t have detention.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life?  Sure.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. < Same. I can be brand-conscious sometimes, but generally if I find something cute, regardless from where I found it, I’d grab it.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently?  Technically yeah. It was a single album. 

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet?  I already have two of them.

Ever cried so much you threw up?  Possibly.

Who is your best guy friend? Hans.

What do you two do when you hang out?  We usually eat out and have a drink or two.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving?  Spotlight, just because it looked boring at first glance. It turned out to be very riveting and the screenplay was fascinating as well.

Do you even like horror movies?  Yes, but they’re best watched with other people.

Do you live in the country?  Nopes.

What is your favorite accent?  I don’t have one.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like?  No.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke?  I had the chance to try out Pepsi when we went to Taco Bell two weeks ago - it was my first time to have it and it was...actually pretty good??? The soda-hater in me was scandalized HAHAHA but it was good!!! I think I prefer Pepsi now.

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday?  My 21st birthday started out terribly because Gabie’s family didn’t want her to hang out with me on a Sunday (the day my birthday fell on), so we were in an argument the whole day. Angela saved the day when she planned out an impromptu dinner + arcade date for me, and that was the only good part of the day, really. I’d rather forget the rest of it.

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer?  I don’t think so.

Do you take a lot of pictures?  I’m starting to, now.

What kind of face wash do you use?  Good ol’ water.

Does drama always seem to follow you?  Not these days.

Does anybody in your family race?  Nope.

Are you closer to your mom or dad?  Dad, I guess. But I wouldn’t particularly call myself ‘close’ with either.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?”  I never received money from them.

How long do you want to live with your parents?  Maybe up until my mid-20s? Late-20s at the latest. I’m not exactly in the position to move out yet. The money I make at the moment would probably just be enough to cover rent, and just rent. I’d end up starving to death hahaha.

Do you have a laptop or desktop?  Laptop.

Do you like your parents?  Sure.

Do you secretly like someone?  I don’t.

Would you ever date your best male friend?  No. I also wouldn’t do that to Angela.

What are you currently listening to?  Moon by Jin! Such a comfort song.

Do you want to be single?  Yes.

Did you go out or stay in last night?  I stayed in and was knocked out pretty early since I had been up since 1 AM.

Have you pretended to like someone?  No. I don’t see why I would have to that.

How is your heart lately?  Just filled with nothing but Bangtan at this point haha. It’s doing well!

Are you wearing socks?  No. Socks bother me for the most part; they make my feet feel a bit suffocated.

What do people call you?  Robyn.

Do you get stressed out easily?  Yeah, I’m quite the overthinker.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?  No, I’ve never actually been inside an ambulance, whether it came for me or for another person.

What is wrong with you right now?  I should probably cut back on the vaping, for one.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?  No.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?  It’s hard for me to sleep with someone else. Even when I had been in a relationship, I usually only got to fall asleep an hour or so after my partner already dozed off.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with?  No, I cut ties at the start of the year and have been substantially better since then.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?  I honestly don’t think so. I’m the bigger crybaby between us.

Did you get any compliments today?  My mom thanked me for covering for Cooper’s shots today since they ended up being quite costly.

Have you ever gone to a beach?  Yes, it’s one of my absolute favorite places to be.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now?  Pass up on the offer.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?  Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to?  I’ve never had the ample time to, so no. I’ve always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter, though.

Do you have long nails?  They’re not dramatically long, but they have started to grow out.

Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. < Same.

Do you generally look nice in photos?  I think this is the case these days, yeah. I’ve started feeling more confident and I think it’s able to translate in photos.

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet?  No.

What colour are your father’s eyes?  Dark brown.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?  BTS DUH

Name three facts about your family?  I come from a family of lawyers; many of us are big history buffs; and many are also fantastic cooks so I don’t know where that talent could have possibly gone when it come to my generation hah.

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?  If I’ve reached a certain level of investment in the relationship, I could probably handle it. 

What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received?  A Punk shirt and Petals For Armor physical CD from Andi this last Christmas.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. < Yessssss!

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?  I don’t.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?  Carving pumpkins sounds fun, especially since I haven’t tried it before.

Do you think you’re important?  Idk. I don’t really like drawing attention to myself though, so that could probably answer your question.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?  Andi wrote a letter for me to accompany the aforementioned Christmas gifts they gave, and it remains to be my favorite letter I’ve received. They essentially reminded and affirmed me that I’m stronger than I think I am, and that I’ve been through a lot and have grown a lot, and that that growth is seen by people around me.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders?  No.

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new?  Just to different cities, but considering how tiny my country is, the move is quite insignificant lol.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks?  I’m 100% sure I don’t know how to properly hold chopsticks, but I have my own way and it works lol. Fake it til you make it.

Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. < Same. I don’t mind leading, especially considering the control freak I can be lolol.

What was the first thing you ate today?  I haven’t eaten anything today. I skipped breakfast since I brought Cooper to the vet, and by the time I got back the dining table had already been cleared. It’s fine though, I don’t feel too hungry.

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like?  I’d be with Angela, Reena, and Hans at that insane new photocard store I talked about earlier. IDEALLY, we’d probably pick up a photocard or two if the ones we want aren’t sold out yet (lol a rarity), then we’d have some nachos and stuff right after and just talk about all things Bangtan lol with Hans cracking us up the whole time since he is just naturally hilarious.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out?  Content. Happy. I feel warm and loved and surrounded by the best people.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do?  Learning how to cook is one.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back?  Not really.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy?  Being in the purple ocean with my best friends.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference?  A part of me wishes my final face-to-face conversation with Gabie had been a more solid closure, just so we could finally put a hard stop to that chapter. But at that time I thought we would continue talking, so there had still been some stuff lingering in the air when we called it a day and parted ways. So in a sense we never really got closure when I finally cut ties, which the ESTJ in me remains to be nagged by, but I try not to be bothered by it anymore considering how much better I am doing right now. We didn’t know the future at the time, so it’s okay the way things turned out, ultimately.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it?  I have no clue. It’s not really a priority.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow?  I’m fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’  Nah.

How many drugs are in your system?  Just caffeine.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Werkwerkwerkwerk.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body?  Nopes.

Do you call anyone baby?  I don’t.

What’s your current mood?  I’m prety neutral. I wish I could be out right now, but stupid Covid and stupid quarantine. But I don’t really mind staying at home, either, so. I’m just so-so.

Do you think you are a good person?  I hope so.

What were you doing before filling out this survey?  I watched Sunday mass with my family.

How late did you stay up last night?  Around midnight.

When was the last time you cried really hard?  I cried just a few days ago because period hormones, but the last time I cried hard? I’m not sure. April maybe?

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?  LOL yes it’s soooooooo long already.

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[lovemesomesurveys]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. I make ramen or something easy in the microwave or oven.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? Nooo. I would not mess up someone’s hair.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My aunt and cousin came over Saturday to hang out for a late birthday get together. We just played a few board games and ate.

How many long term relationships have you been in? Zero.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? I sleep with the TV on, which I’ve done since I was a kid, but for some reason I’ve been leaving my floor lamp on lately, too. I just end up falling asleep without turning it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? That’s how it is with anyone; I forgive but don’t forget.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? No.

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes.

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? I was 16.

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes, thankfully.

When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never done this. 

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? A beach vacation.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? No.

How many bedrooms are in your house? Two.

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? No.

Do you own a Xbox 360? Nope.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No.

So, do you need a nap? It’s almost 830AM and I just got up like an hour ago, but yeah I could definitely go back to sleep. 

What would you rather be doing? Sleeping.

What sport are you the best at? None. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope.

Do you complain a lot? I feel like I do now. :/ I didn’t used to. 

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Neither.

Do you like fruity or minty gum? I only like minty flavored gum.

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? No.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? I’d say the one that made me a paraplegic. 

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? Most of my clothes are from Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Yeah.

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I have a doggo. I would never have a giraffe for a pet for obvious reasons, though.

Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but felt like it.

Who is your best guy friend? I don’t have one.

What do you two do when you hang out? --

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Star Wars and the Marvel and DC movies. 

Do you even like horror movies? I love ‘em.

Do you live in the country? No.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? I drink both.

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I had a little get together at home with family and my best friend at the time on my actual 21st and then the next day my cousin, my best friend, and I went out of town for the weekend to one of my favorite places. We drank that night and then did touristy things and shopping the rest of the time.

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? Yes.

Do you take a lot of pictures? Not anymore.

What kind of face wash do you use? I don’t. :X

Does drama always seem to follow you? Not drama, but other issues.

Does anybody in your family race? No.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think it was $5.

How long do you want to live with your parents? I have no plans to move out for the foreseeable future. It’s best for me to live at home and I’m perfectly fine with it.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? Yes, I love my parents.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? --

What are you currently listening to? I’m watching The Middle.

Do you want to be single? Yes.

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in.

Have you pretended to like someone? No.

How is your heart lately? Sad.

Are you wearing socks? Yeah, I’m always wearing socks.

What do people call you? Stephanie, Steph, Sis.

Do you get stressed out easily? Yeppp.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Yes.

What is wrong with you right now? At this moment I’m tired and hungry.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? I own a ton of things from Hot Topic.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. :(

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? Numerous times. I love the beach.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? I’d say nah.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? My nails are barely there at all.

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? No. Or ever I feel like.

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? Ew, no.

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Hmm. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Probably not.

What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? That’s hard to say.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? Coffee, duh.

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? Piano and violin. 

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Wrap presents.

Do you think you’re important? Not at all.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Yes.

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I had my nightly bowl of ramen around 2AM.

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? I’d spend it at the beach.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things I should get taken care of but have put off for quite awhile.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? Oh yes.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Good health.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? This is too deep for me right now.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don’t know. I cut it super short over a month ago and now I’m letting it grow it out a bit before I get it styled. 

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No.

How many drugs are in your system? Does my prescription pain med count?

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Nothing out of the ordinary.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No.

Do you call anyone baby? Nope.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching The Middle.

How late did you stay up last night? I think I fell asleep around 4ish.

When was the last time you cried really hard? Recently. It’s not a rare occurrence. :/

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? Not anymore. :( Like I said, I cut it super short because I had to.

[hoedameron]

okay......this is gonna be a serious personal post because i feel like i should talk about my life after what is probably a year after a night i wish i could forget. 

cw warning for unpacking “trauma” (i say that in quotations because i don’t know how to define it)

a year ago, i got into a terrible fight with my mom that involved the entire family. it was really ugly, and it started out because of my half-brother. i won’t go into too much detail despite the fact that i love to overshare but there are some things that are best not told out in the open. anyways, there was tears, sobs, yelling, everything but anything physical. hell, it almost even went as far as being outed to my parents. it was scary and the following few days i had nightmares plus reoccurring “day terrors” where i couldn’t get certain images and words out of my head. a lot of my friends and mutuals were concerned for my and my sister’s safety because it was not a good environment to be in, that i will admit. however, i decided to keep my head down, to avoid talking to my mom, and just...keeping a low profile in my own house.

it was emotionally draining to be around such negativity. i hated seeing everyone so miserable, and it pained me that in order to keep the peace, i had to stop talking to my mom altogether. now, my mom before that fight has been my confidant, somebody i would tell the world to, and though it wasn’t like the best relationship, it was my own and it was healthy in my book. to rip that out from right under me was frightening, but i had to remember that she hurt me that night with her words, and the vicious things she had said to defend her son without taking into consideration her daughters’ safety was something that can’t automatically be forgiven. my forgiveness had to be earned. now, you know how nice and kind i am and i was so, SO tempted to just crawl back into her arms because i didn’t want to be upset and angry with her for hurting me. i wanted everything to be “normal”, to go back to be “okay” but i soon realized that “okay” was also harming my sister in the process. let’s just say that because i was seen as some “golden child”, my sister acted out and rebelled and my parents never really unlearned that mindset as she grew up.

anyways, so, for over a year now, i haven’t talked to my mom in an actual engaging conversation. yes, i still talk to her but it’s more so little bits of conversation. i am very much still cold towards her, i keep my words to a minimum, and yes, it still pains me to do so. i want my mom back, please know that. i want to make up for lost time even if i have nothing new to share with her...i just miss my mom being my mom. watching her shrivel up in the first few weeks was so hard and i know she too struggles with mental health and i was so afraid that this whole cold treatment we were giving her was going to break her in the worst way possible. i didn’t want anybody else to suffer, please understand that, but at the same time, we needed space. we needed her to understand that the environment that we were and i am still am in is not safe, that it’s toxic when her son is around and our family had been broken once he started living with us. he terrifies me and sometimes i forget what he is capable of. however, being the only one left in this house serves me right for leaving my sister in this environment as i went away for college, leaving her behind to fend for herself....she deserved better.

ha, see...i’m crying again. the first few weeks were tough to not talk to my mom. my dad had become somebody my sister and i came to, something we didn’t really do but he offered support. he held me that night as i sobbed into his shoulder, telling me it was going to be okay. i remember hugging my sister that night when i said all we had is each other. going off track, sorry. but yeah, there isn’t very much progress to be honest. my sister was mainly the one who tested to waters with our mom because she needed guidance as she was planning to move with her husband thousand of miles away from us. it was a lot of back and forth, yes i will talk to you, no we are done talking because you raised your tone at me...so much of that seesawed but my treatment remained the same. i’m still scared of my mom and not so much as me shaking every time she’s around but i’m afraid that something can lead me down a dangerous path if i act out of line. there are some things i wish i could come to her about but i realized she doesn’t know who i am. i miss her so much y’all i can’t express to you how hard it is to have a part of your world become a stranger in a matter of a few minutes. it hasn’t been easy, it probably affected me in ways i still haven’t processed yet. my best friend still tells me i need to get out of there and has offered me to stay with her and to pay for the plane ticket. i don’t want to abandon something i can salvage because a silly optimist part of me thinks...knows i can save it somehow.

it feels like an empty house, one where we are just a bunch of roommates living under one roof. without my sister, i realized i am not much. without my sister, i realized i am small. i know i am a disappointment to my parents, that i am a financial burden because i am out of work due to the pandemic, i myself feel so damn pathetic for typing this up and crying as if somebody will read this at close to one in the morning. i am so....lost. i am lost. i am broken. i feel so small and directionless and i feel like i failed for not putting my family pack together. i don’t know how to make it right. i don’t know what to do because there is a big elephant in the room that needs to be addressed but as far as my mom is concerned, he is not the problem when he is. i am now my own tiny warrior and i want to so desperately lay down my arms and surrender but i don’t want him to win.

i go through ups and downs, sometimes i am in a good mood, sometimes i am not in the mood to interact with people. i try to be appear as if nothing ever happened, and sometimes i forget that ever happened and it’s good for awhile until it comes crashing down upon me. i wish things were better, i wish that fight never had happened, i wish so many things but i know that i must put in the work to make things better, to make my future better. sometimes i look at places in the city i went to college and think about living there. i was happier then. i want to be me again without all this weighing on me. i wish i was tougher, like i am too soft sometimes and that gets me in the worst positions at times. sometimes the only energy i have is to just survive and to pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t. it’s safer that way.

...i don’t know what else to say other than that the environment has “improved” and by improved i mean i still avoid my mom, keep the conversations short, and just keep surviving. i don’t have a plan, i am scared of the outside, so i just sit here, talking to who knows is on the other side of the screen, if there is anybody.

at least you are doing okay

i’m sorry for being a downer...i don’t really want to talk to my friends about it because it can be too much and i don’t want to get a therapist because that’s expensive. this will suffice, i will find a way to fix this, i have always been the family mediator after all. maybe i should stop putting everybody first and start thinking for myself and doing things for me....but today is not the day. nor tomorrow, nor the next month, nor the next year...but maybe one day. don’t worry about me if you are, i’ll be okay. i’ve gotten through one year of this, right?

[celawrites]

Day 25

It’s a strange concept. I feel like love means different things to everyone. Ever since my parents split, and my mom left me home with a monthly sum of money, I haven’t felt at home anymore. My home gradually shifted to my school, and eventually to a friend’s place and another friend’s place. Perhaps I was being selfish. No one should have the burden to take care of me.

It’s a strange concept how love influences our choices every day. Maybe I was too enamored with him to see that he wasn’t interested. Infatuation with someone, could be deadly. After being in love with someone for so long, it’s hard to go back to how life was without them. But one step at a time, you’ll find yourself going back to the mundane life without them. Missing someone you once loved is normal, but I’ve grown to learn that one never truly forget their firsts.

I guess that’s it for this week’s emotion check. I hope that you all are doing better than me and I hope that I’ll do better next week. My new book is on the way, and my character analyzations have just been finished. Wish me luck on the rough draft everyone!

-Serenity

I stretch out. Yesterday was exhausting. After getting home around 1am in the morning, my friends and I had decided that a sleepover would be nice. It’s a miracle their parents agreed unless they agreed beforehand to sleep over but that’s another case, to let them stay over for the night.

We fell asleep around 2am after an hour of screaming along to cheesy breakup songs. Maybe it was another case to Sun, but it definitely felt like a breakup to me. I had known him the longest and had gotten the closest to him. Maybe he saw me as nothing more than a clingy younger sister. Oh what it joy it is to be sister-zoned. When I wake up in the morning, I find Misty cooking bacon, and Beanie setting the table.

“A miracle neither of you have burned or broken anything yet” I mumble, I’m still half asleep.

“Sun texted your phone this morning asking you to meet up. I blocked him for you, you’re welcome”

“Uh??” I blink twice. “How come?”

“He texted one of those cliche I’m sorry about being a jerk can we meet up yada yada”

“Can I at least see the message?” Beanie hands me my phone.

Sun: Hey Cress. I don’t think I deserve to call you that after the stunt I pulled on Friday huh? I’m sorry if I hurt you, and I don’t expect you to forgive me by Tuesday or anything but I wanted to let you know that maybe you’d let me join a McDonalds run sometime? I still owe you something for saving me from Madison. Maybe I was foolish to think that you’d be ok after my words on Friday. I told her that I would never date her but I guess my words on Friday changed her. Please let me know if you’re fine right now. I know you’re under Mint’s care right now and I trust him but please.

Clown: Yeah I’m fine. No I haven’t forgiven you yet and our McDonalds run is going to have to wait. Would it be foolish to say I still like you?

---unread---

Sun: I don’t deserve you

I let out a sigh of exasperation. I toss my phone on the sofa and have breakfast with the girls, Es is awake and running, and halfway through breakfast, the boys come over.

“Hey emotionally unstable”

“Morning dead sea”

“Morning clown”

“Morning dad”

“Morning mom?”

“Morning child.”

The two set what they bought on the table and we set up projector for a movie marathon. Bless them for having Disney+ and Netflix. There’s a little conflict before we all settle for watching the movie but an entire afternoon flies by before I realize.

Letting out a sigh of content, I glance at my friends. All of them gathered just because I was emotionally unstable. I didn’t deserve them.

I reblog my post with a comment.

Perhaps I don’t deserve people to look after me, and I don’t deserve people to call home, but when you truly find someone like that, there’s more happiness behind it than imaginable. Maybe I’ve found my own family, and for once, there’s more than what you know. The people around me who care, and take care of me willingly, are my family. Be grateful for them.

Much love from a sappy senior :)

-Serenity

Previous : Masterlist : Next

[linphd]

dabi x sister!reader | the new one

dabi x reader

female reader

When Dabi attacks the Todorokis' household, he doesn't expect to see a tiny kid with them.

no warning

once again, I used the character's POV and not the narrator's

this one shot follows the theory that Dabi is Touya Todoroki

         Tonight was the night. I knew that Endeavor, by himself, could be easy to defeat. So, he wasn't my number one priority. I didn't want to kill any of my siblings at the beginning, but when they discovered my identity and blamed me, I couldn't stand it. They could've blamed our dad only, but no, they also blamed me. ''It's not an excuse to become a villain !'', ''You became everything you despised !''. They could've just been glad I was alive, but no.

         I had wanted to see mom as well, but seeing how welcomed I had been, I didn't want to be greeted like that a second time. And that was 4 years ago. They sure had almost forgotten about me, now. I heard that Natsuo had left the house already, so it would only be Fuyumi and Shoto tonight. Endeavor was out with some woman, and I wanted to see how scared and devastated he would be when he would come back home and see his house destroyed.

         Natsuo could wait for his turn anyway, he was the one I was the closest with, so I wanted to make my revenge even more personal for him. Oh, if only they had understood me.

          When I arrived at my former home, I noticed that some lights were on. Fuyumi's room didn't have any light on, though. I hoped she hadn't moved out already, like Natsuo did. It was already not super fun because it was only the half of them. I didn't enter the house normally, I burnt the door and directly rushed in to burn the living room. Seeing what time it was, they were certainly watching a movie downstairs, like we always used to. There was Shoto, too bad I ended up in front of the strongest at the very first fight.

          He avoided my blue flames and tried to use his ice on me, but with time, I knew how he fought. I observed him fighting when he was doing his hero work. That's when I noticed some boxes and stuff. ''So, Fuyumi has planned to move out, I see ? Why didn't you, Shoto ? You're 20 and a pro-hero !'' What a loser. I left the house at 17 and I didn't have any job yet.

           I heard Fuyumi yelling. Shoto told her something and she rushed upstairs, but I knew that she wasn't a threat, so I didn't follow her. I kept focusing on Shoto instead.

            He was much faster than the first time we ever fought. I mean, he was just trying to save his friend Bakugou, it wasn't a real fight between the two of us, but still. ''You got stronger, Shoto. I wasn't expecting anything less from you.'' He groaned. ''And you didn't abandon your villain life, Touya. I wasn't expecting anything else from you.'' He was the most insulting one, as well.

           It's quite funny, actually, how our personalities are alike, since Fuyumi and Natsuo are different from us, despise being our siblings. But Shoto and I are both stubborn, insulting, very strong, and ambitious. What a shame that we ended up hating each other this much. I should've begged for forgiveness ; but they were too hostile. It was as if they had forgiven Endeavor but not me. How dare they ?

            And oh fuck, Shoto had managed to use his ice on me and rushed upstairs. After some seconds, I managed to melt the ice and follow him. Fuyumi was surely there, as well. However, what a surprise when I saw a little girl. She didn't look older than a kindergartener, and was crying in Shoto's arms. Fuyumi was sat next to the girl's bed, looking panicked.

             I stopped, but still activated my quirk in case one of them wanted to take me down. ''Who's that ?'' I said, actually quite calmly. I didn't hear her cries during the fight, surely it was too loud. ''D-dad remarried.'' Fuyumi managed to say, in a quiet voice. ''... What ?'' I arched an eyebrow, and the little girl looked at me. She had bright blue eyes, just like Endeavor and I. ''Dad remarried. After he tried to have a redemption, he actually found someone he really loved and he remarried.''

             Shoto seemed calm, but I could see in his eyes that he was still prepared to fight. He was holding our sister tightly, and Fuyumi stayed close behind in case she needed to take her from him so he could fight again. So, I deactivated my quirk. ''(Y/N). Her name... it's (Y/N).'' Fuyumi said. Shoto was still glaring at me. My little sister looked at me, after she had calmed down. She still looked scared, but she had wiped her tears away.

             ''(Y/N). You remember when I told you we had an older brother who wasn't living with us ? I told you he didn't want to visit us.'' She nodded. ''It's him. It's Touya.'' Shoto told her that without even looking away from me. He really was ready to fight at anytime.

             And I realized. Maybe Shoto and I were both stubborn, insulting, very strong and ambitious, but we were also the two who wanted to protect the others the most. I used to want that, I didn't want to turn out like how I am, in the first place, but I had to. And I got so offended when they blamed me to be a villain that I didn't try to make them forgive me. They had blamed Endeavor, but he had tried hard to make them forgive him, and tried to prove them he wanted to change. (Y/N) was the child of the redemption.

            I kneeled down, so she wouldn't be afraid of how tall I was. ''Hi, I'm Touya. You're the new one, then ?'' I didn't try to go closer to her, but she looked panicked. Understandable, since she had heard me destroy the living room down. ''Yeah, I look scary. But I'm your brother. See ? We have the same eyes. We have dad's eyes.'' She looked at me, then looked at Shoto. She tried to go back on the ground, surely she wanted to come closer to me, but Shoto didn't let her.

           ''I won't do anything to her, Shoto.'' But he didn't flinch and kept glaring at me. ''Does she have a quirk ?'' I asked. ''Not yet.'' Meanwhile, Fuyumi stood up. I guessed she wanted to go to the living room to clean the ashes. It was something she was used to do ; whenever she had panicked or an argument had happened, she needed to clean to distract herself and to 'fix the issue'. I knew my siblings damn well.

            And I think that it was because he saw that I wasn't doing anything to Fuyumi, but Shoto stepped closer to me. ''Touya ?'' The little girl said. That made me smile. ''Yes ! I'm sorry I didn't visit you, little one. I was kinda busy. I'm sorry I didn't.'' Shoto seemed softer, seeing me like this. The little girl bent down to touch my cheeks and my piercings. ''Did it hurt ?'' She managed to say with her little voice. I believed she really was a kindergartener. ''Just a little little bit. But it was because I didn't follow the rules and I've been a bad boy. You're not going to have those.'' She chuckled when I said that, and that warmed my heart.

            I smiled once again, and looked at Shoto, who was still holding her. I sighed, because how could I be a villain now ? I had planned to go back home when the League of Villains quitted, and that's when they rejected me. I had become a villain once again because of that. So what was my goal as one now ?

            ''Look, Shoto. I didn't want to be a villain, in the first place. I did that only because of dad. And I didn't want to be a villain again when I came back home. It's just that you rejected me and I guess because I lived so long with the League of Villains I started to react like them. I should've done just like dad and proved to you that I wanted to be Touya again. I'm really sorry, for everything I've done.'' And after a long conversation between Shoto and I -with eventually Fuyumi when she came back-, we actually agreed on something.

         ''I want you to go to jail to pay for what you've done, but I also want you to be a good brother to (Y/N) just like dad is a good dad to her. If you want a redemption, there's no excuse for why you couldn't while Endeavor could. He used to be number one hero, maybe he can do something for you so you'll be judged for your actions but won't have to be separated from us.'' I nodded. ''And will I live here ? -Yes, so we can watch you.''

          I went downstairs after that, so we could talk together. (Y/N) needed to go back to bed. It was a mess, even though Fuyumi had cleaned the ashes and everything. There were holes in the wall, the entrance door was totally destroyed, and the windows were broken. ''We'll wait for dad to come back. He didn't talk much when you came back home the first time. His wife won't say anything, when it comes to us, it's his decisions. She doesn't want to replace mom, so don't worry about that.''

           ''Talking about mom, will you let me see her ?'' I asked. ''Not yet. We'll see with dad.'' I looked at the family pictures that we didn't damage while fighting ; I was on some of them -even if our dad wasn't on those pictures. ''I didn't want to harm you during all my time in the League of Villains. My only target was dad, and I never forgot about any of you.'' I said, talking about my siblings. Fuyumi looked like she was about to cry, and Shoto seemed much softer than he was at the beginning of the discussion. We only had to wait for dad and his wife to come back home, now.

[give-seconds]

I Loved You

Only warning is that Jeno feels really bad about himself and being gay. This doesn't count as a warning, but I feel like this is my longest chapter. You have been warned!!

---Part IV

As soon as you close the door, Jeno feels the breath leave his body once again. That’s it, you’re gone. You left him alone in your apartment, you left him to suffocate in all the memories.  

He feels so alone, but he knows he deserves it. He should be spending the night alone, to pay for what he did to you. He knows this, but he can’t stop himself from pulling out his phone. 

“Jeno?” 

“Hyung,” Jeno flinches as voice cracks.

“Jeno what’s wrong?” his brother's voice is panicked, and Jeno suddenly remembers all the pranks he’s pulled on his brother. The same kind of worry had laced his voice then too. 

“Hyung I messed up and now y/n’s gone. I know I don’t deserve it, but can you come get me? I can’t be here alone.” 

“Of course I can, I’ll be there in a bit.” 

“Thank you Jaehyun-Hyung, I know how busy you are.” 

He can hear the smile in his hyungs voice, along with the sound of doors opening. “Jeno, I’m a good Hyung. Of course I’m coming for you.” 

“Thank you Hyung,” Jeno bites his lip, he can feel his tears falling faster. 

“Jeno I’ll be there soon okay I-“ his hyungs voice is cut off, being replaced by his wife. 

“Jeno sweetie do you want me to make you anything?” 

Jeno cracks a smile at his brother's wife, she treats Jeno like a son rather than a brother-in-law. It makes him feel warm inside “I’m okay, thank you though Noona.” 

“Give me back my phone,” he hears as his Hyung grabs his phone back with a final ‘I love you little dude’ from Moonhee. “Anyways, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 10 okay?” 

“Thank you so much.” 

There’s a beat of silence as Jaehyun slips on his shoes and out the door “Jeno I don’t know what happened, but do you wanna talk?” 

Jeno takes a loud, quick breath as he tries to calm down “Hyung I couldn’t do it to her anymore. I’ve been lying to her for weeks, she didn’t deserve that. But that’s what I did, and it’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.” 

“Did you cheat on her,” Jaehyun's tone is hesitant, trying to be as nicely direct as possible. 

Jeno squeezes his eyes shut “No Hyung, it’s worse. I can’t love her, I don’t think I’ve ever loved her as more than a friend.” 

“And that’s okay, that’s not your fault.” 

“But it is, it is because I didn’t cut her off. I let her go on planning our wedding for weeks, two of which I knew I didn’t love her. You don’t do that to a person, you don’t do that to someone you value.” 

“Hold on a second Jeno, let me connect my phone to the car,” Jaehyun says as he opens the car door, settling into the driver's seat. 

Jeno hears the beeping of the car starting before his brother’s voice comes back “It isn’t your fault if you don’t love her, you did the right thing by telling her you didn’t.” 

“Hyung I- I have to tell you something and you have to promise me you won’t treat me any differently. I’ve already lost y/n, I can’t lose you.”

“There’s nothing you can say that would make me leave you Je, you’re my brother. I need you just as much as you need me.” 

“I haven’t told mom or dad yet, and the only people who know are y/n and Jaemin. She’s probably told YangYang too, Hyung they must hate me by now. I wish I was better, I wish-” 

“Jeno breathe, it’ll all be okay. Tell me what’s wrong, and I can help you make it better,” his brother interrupts, and Jeno focuses on the turn signal of the car to help him think.    

“Hyung you haven’t been listening have you? There is no fix to this, I messed up. I never should have asked her to marry me, and you want to know why? Because I don’t love her like that, I love her brother.” He laughs, a hollow kind of laugh “Messed up right? I dated her for three years before I realized it was her brother I like, not her.”

Jeno sighs, running a hand through his hair. The idea that his brother might see him how he sees himself is enough to send him spiraling into a deeper hole. 

“I know Hyung, I’m disgusting. I played her, I led her on for three years. How could someone do that to someone who loves them? I don’t deserve her love, not after what I did to her. I’m an awful human-” 

“Jeno,” his brother states sternly, “stop it. I am not going to listen to you drag yourself down like this. You matter to me, and just because you’re not going to marry y/n -hell just because you don’t fancy y/n’s gender- that isn’t going to change that. I’m pulling up on your street soon, so get your butt outside so we can continue this conversation in person.” 

Jeno nods his head, and mumbles a quiet ‘thank you’ before hanging up. He looks around the kitchen, eyes hazed with tears. He shakes his hair with his hand, he needs to focus. Sighing, he grabs his wallet and keys before walking away from the all too silent apartment. 

The first thing he notices when he gets outside is the dark. He smiles slightly as he can’t help but wonder how you’re doing with walking the distance to YangYangs. The second thing he notices is the cold. He hasn’t been out this late in awhile, it feels wrong.

He closes his eyes, wishing everything would just stop so he can think. He tilts his head back, and stares into the endless black sky. His tears have mostly dried, so now he probably just looks like a mess. I hope you made it there safe y/n, I’m sorry you have to walk this late at night. 

“JJ my man, get in.” 

Jeno smiles, bringing his head to look straight ahead. His gaze lands on his brother's dimpled smile, the passenger side window rolled down. He walks towards the car, taking his hands out of his pockets to open the door. “Thanks for getting me, it was too much there. Too suffocating all alone.” 

“Of course Jeno,” there’s a silence as Jeno buckles in and Jaehyun looks over his shoulder before continuing down the road. “Want to finish our talk?”  

Jeno sighs and looks out the window “No, but I will.”

Jaehyun nods his head “Good, now as I was saying. Just because your heart decided that y/n isn’t your happy ending doesn’t mean you’re the villain. You’re a good man Jeno.” 

Jeno leans his head against the window, tears starting to re-form “Hyung I’m not a good man. I like-” 

“You like her brother, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sure, if you were to try and pursue a relationship with him right now things might get a bit messy. But if you wait it out, maybe you’ll get to have something with him.” 

“I can’t do that to y/n, I already screwed her family up. YangYang probably hates me, not to mention her parents once they find out the wedding is canceled because her stupid fiancé can’t keep his feeling straight,” he laughs slightly “no pun intended.” 

“Jeno, here is what I think some of the issue is. I think you’re having a hard time accepting that you’re gay.” and as if to prove his point, Jeno inwardly recoilless. “And I think we need to fix that before we can even think about y/n and her family.” 

“I have no problem with gay, my best friend is gay. But I shouldn’t be, this isn’t how my life is supposed to be. And I decided to only realize it now, three years after asking out my best friend's sister.” 

“Jeno are you listening to yourself? You’re putting yourself into a different category, you’re telling yourself you don’t deserve to be forgiven. And you do, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think you could be forgiven. If you really didn’t care about y/n, you would’ve cheated on her. But you didn’t, you took the hard way out and told her how you feel.”

Jeno, for the first time today, feels the slightest bit of hope. That maybe everything will be okay for him, that he can work through this. His Hyung is a good man, so if he thinks Jeno is worth forgiving then he must be worth something right?

“Thank you Hyung,” he whispers. 

Jaehyun simply nods his head in acknowledgment, he has said his piece and he just hopes his brother trusts him enough to believe in what he says. 

As his brother stops at the last light before his apartment, Jeno looks out the window and sees a couple walking hand in hand. Jeno feels his heart lurch as he realizes that it’s you and YangYang. YangYang is swinging your linked hands, and you have your eyes closed. He can’t see the tears on your cheeks, or even if they’re still there. 

Yeah, he thinks leaning against the window, watching as you both get further behind as the car starts to move again. You’ll be okay, I’m not that important anyway. 

~~

When your alarm rings, you feel your body tense with a sense of panic. Where am I? Whose room is this? But when your eyes focus on some Japanese characters and you realize you’re on Jeno’s side of the bed, you shrink into yourself. 

“Morning Joe.” 

“The heck you get Joe from you lamb skewer?” you exclaim, dramatically flopping onto your other side. 

You smile slightly as watch his wide smile spread across his face paired, with his bubbly laughter “Someone’s being dramatic this morning.”

“Cease to exist.” 

He scoffs “It was your alarm that woke me up, I should be saying that to you.” 

You roll your eyes, groaning as you get up “You know it isn’t my fault I didn’t want to spend all day with you and Jaemin in a confined space. There would be too much stupidity for me to handle.” 

You hear him sit up, clicking his tongue as he watches you pick up your bag. 

“Are you sure that you’re okay to go to work? I think they would understand if you need a day to think. And I know for a good fact Jaemin would give me the day off, we could have a bonding day.” 

You look down, shifting from foot to foot “I’ll be okay Yang, I need something to keep me busy. I can’t sit here and think, I’ll go crazy.” 

He nods his head “Okay, but if it gets too much just call me yeah? I’ll ditch Jaemin so fast he won’t know what left him.” 

You snort and turn to leave the room “You make no sense.” 

You open the door, nearly having a heart attack as you almost hit Jisung as he’s walking out of the bathroom. 

He jumps slightly before smiling “Good morning Noona, sleep well?” 

You nod your head “Yep! I’m sorry we fell asleep before you guys got here.” 

He shakes his head “It’s okay, Hyung and I were able to find the room and this morning I found the bathroom. I think Hyung’s still asleep in your brother’s room, so… there’s all that stuff.” 

“Here,” you reach forward and grab his wrist, pulling him into the room you just came from. 

You sigh when you see your brother burrito rolled in the blankets. “Yang, get your butt up and introduce yourself to Jisung.” 

You and Jisung laugh, watching as YangYang struggles to untangle himself. He only manages to freeing himself by rolling off the bed, after which he bounces up onto his feet with a wide grin, fluffing his hair. 

“I do that every day and it always looks about like that, I swear Yuta Hyung is going to end me one of these days for all the morning thud,” he bows “Hi Jisung, I’m YangYang.” 

“Thank you for letting me and Ten-Hyung stay here with y/n,” Jisung replies, bowing back. 

“Of course, my home is y/n’s home. And-” YangYang tilts his head, looking up to his left before shaking his head. He smiles awkwardly and rubs the back of his neck “sorry, I don’t know how to word it. My Korean isn’t that good yet.” 

“Well, I picked a good time to go get ready. Yang, you better be a good host if not I’ll ground you,” and before you can hear a response, you slip out of the room and into the bathroom. 

Setting the bag down on the floor, you pull out your light blue sweater and black jeans. You push aside the shower curtain, expecting to see the soap you use to wash your face. You nod your head, closing the curtain as you realize all of your stuff is at your flat. Mental note #1, go get some more stuff. At least it’ll be easier to tuck in a sweater without wet hands.

“Hey Yang,” you say quickly, stuffing your old clothes into the bag and sticking your head into Yuta’s room “I’m going to throw this in your room. I have to go and I’m sure Yuta-Oppa won’t want to see my stuff around his room if he comes back.”  Again, you don’t wait for your brother's response before closing the door. You walk down the hall to your brother’s room, open the door, and throw your bag onto the bed without looking. 

As soon as the bag leaves your hand, however, you see that there is a lump on the bed. And as said lump flinches as the bag makes contact, you realize that that particular lump is your friend. 

You laugh as Ten shoots up, eyes sleepily glaring at you “I don’t know why you did that, but I will never forgive you for it.” 

“You’re fine, think of it as your accidental alarm.” 

Ten groans, flopping back onto the bed “I don’t have court until ten today, I wanted to sleep in.” 

You shrug your shoulders “Sucks to be you I guess. But I have to go, I didn’t know you had court today so if you don’t like what I packed, you can go back to the flat and grab something else. I’ll leave my key on the table.” 

Ten grumbles some kind of reply as you pull the door closed behind you. As you walk back down the hallway, you suppress the urge to scream. You force yourself to smile as you keep walking; you left your bag at the flat.

 “All right you guys” you yell as you slip on your shoes “I’m heading out now. I’ll make a chat so you guys can come up with a plan on what you want for dinner. Yang, if Yuta-Oppa is coming home today, tell me. I’ll use my superior vote to decide which Japanese dish to make as my thank you.” 

Once you hear YangYang yell back an okay, you nod your head. Just as you open the door, you hear Jisung run down the hallway. “Noona wait! You left my school bag at the other flat. Can we go get it?” 

“Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry Ji, I only grabbed clothes. I wasn’t thinking very clearly,” you apologize, holding the door open for him as he put on his shoes. 

He smiles down at you as he hops out the door, pulling on his shoe “It’s okay, I’ve done that too.” 

“We should hurry though, I have to get to work and you have to get to school,” you suggest, quickly walking down the hall to the elevator.

“Yeah, of course. If you want I can just go myself and you can go to work.” 

You shake your head and press the down button for the elevator “I have to go back anyways, I left my work bag there too. I wasn’t in my right mind when I left the flat.” 

Just as Jisung is going to reply, the elevator dings open. You both walk silently in, the people already there moving to the back. You look around the elevator, trying not to meet anyone's eyes. You have always hated elevators, something about quietly standing in a small metal box with strangers makes you uncomfortable. It’s why when you and Jaemin went flat shopping, you insisted that you had to live on the first floor. And after much teasing, Jaemin had given in. After all, he is the last person to stand between you and feeling comfortable.

The elevator dings open again, this time everyone files out quietly.

“Noona?” Jisung shyly asks, holding the door open for you before falling into step next to you. 

“Yeah?” 

“I uh, I don’t know what happened between you and Jeno-Hyung but I hope it wasn’t because of me. But I am not worth your marriage, you can ask Taeil-Hyung to relocate me if that will make it better.” 

You take a sharp breath in, you weren’t expecting that. And of course with the question, comes the pain you have been avoiding all day. 

“No Jisung, not at all,” you mumble, eyes stinging slightly. I will not cry before work, I am better than this. 

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t overstepping.” 

“Also, even if that was the issue between me and him you would so be worth it. Jeno used to take in stray cats when we were at university, almost got caught too,” you smile sadly at the memory. You remember that day, he had texted you saying he almost had a heart attack because his allergies decided to act up just as the dorm check was almost over. Luckily for him, the dorm adviser simply muttered a bless you before moving onto the next room. 

You force a cough to hide the bitter laugh that leaves your throat, looking the opposite direction of Jisung. God, why are you doing this to yourself? He didn’t ask about Jeno, you decided to bring him up. You can’t go back to those days, back to the days he forced himself to love you. 

“One more thing, and then I’ll quit talking. But do you want me to go in for you? I don’t know if you want to not see him or what,” he offers awkwardly.

You smile softly “No, it’s okay Ji. You don’t know where my bag is and on the off chance Jeno is still asleep, I’m sure he doesn’t want to wake up to some random kid in his room.”

“Okay Noona.” 

You hadn’t thought about that, what are you going to do when you see Jeno? The memories of what happened are almost enough to make you cry, so how will you hold up upon seeing the real deal?

You glance over to the boy next to you, the feeling of expectations settling in. The expectation to be better than his other foster families, the expectation Ten and Jisung must have for you to tell them what happened, the expectation to give Jeno some kind of an answer. 

You shake your head, now isn’t the time to be uselessly stressing yourself. You need to focus on getting through the day so when you get back to YangYang’s, you’re actually able to think about the situation. 

“Hey Jisung, you should tell me about yourself. I mean I obviously know your past, but I don’t know you that much,” you say to break your thoughts. Why not kill two birds with one stone? Get your mind off Jeno and learn about Jisung. 

“Only if later you tell me about you.” 

“You got yourself a deal kid.” 

“Well, I think the most interesting thing about me that you don’t know is my friend Chenle. He’s this loud kid from China whose Korean seems to get better once he’s arguing. But he’s from this rich family, so the first time I went over to his house I was very surprised to say the least. But I don’t know how much of that comes from me being a foster kid and him having an actual big house.” 

You snort as he pauses to take a deep breath “You sound like his number one fan.” 

He sighs and playfully hits your arm “You asked about me, and this is me fulfilling your wish. It’s not my fault that the idiot takes up three-fifths of my life.” 

“Three-fifths? That’s a strange fraction.” 

“Chenle is cool and all, but he isn’t special enough to take up 3 fourths of my life.” 

“To tell or not to tell, that is the question.” 

You and Jisung jump slightly at the deep voice that comes from behind you. 

“My fine Yongbok, you gave me a startle,” Jisung says, turning his head to look at the kid who is now walking next to Jisung. 

“Not my fault I’m a God at sneaking, now,” the boy reaches his arm over Jisung towards you “I’m Felix, Jisung’s classmate. You can call me Yongbok if you’re more comfortable with Korean names.” 

“You speak English?” you ask, shaking his hand. 

Felix smiles brightly, bringing his hand back to hold the straps of his backpack “Yep! I’m a native to Australia.” 

You smile at how young the boy looks holding his bag like that “I’m y/n, native to England.” 

“And now,” Jisung says clapping his hands “all the introductions are done, so we should switch back to Korean so that the best person here isn’t as lost.” 

“I don’t know, I think Felix understands English pretty well considering he speaks it.” 

Felix laughs, quickly walking to your side and linking arms with you “I like y/n, she’s funny.” 

“She’s not funny once you get to know her, she’s mean. You hear that Noona? You’re mean and I don’t like you.” 

“Well if that’s the case, I’ll leave right now and you’ll have  to suffer the school day without your bag.” 

“You need your bag too, you wouldn’t hurt yourself to hurt me,” he states confidently. 

“You don’t know how petty I can be Park.” 

“Okay, hold up,” Felix says, unlinking your arms. You pretend not to notice the smirk he sends to Jisung. “Why is Jisung’s bag at your house? Does the all-mighty Jisung have a tutor?” 

You snort, “No, I’m his parental figure.” 

Felix tilts his head “Parental figure?” 

“Parental figure,” you repeat in English for the boy.

“Ah, foster new parent. You seem cool, he hated his last home.” 

“He is still here,” Jisung mumbles. 

You laugh, hugging his arm slightly “Oh you’re fine you big baby. I’m just getting to know your other friend who isn’t the three-fifths guy. But I’m a little hurt that you talk about your homes instead of me, I’d like to think I was cool enough to talk about before I became your foster parent.” 

“Yeah yeah, yell at me all you want. We’re here,” Jisung says, stopping outside the building. 

“Oh,” you whisper before turning to Felix “If you want, you can wait out here for us. We just have to grab our bags and we can all walk to the bus stop together.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Felix says, nodding his head before walking to lean against the wall. 

Okay l/n, woman up. 

“Come on Ji,” you mumble, before anxiously taking a deep breath and holding the door for him. 

What do I do if he’s in there? I can’t just say ‘sup Jeno, how are you doing after last night's talk?’ Maybe he saw my bag and left early for work, or is hiding in the bathroom. I would have no reason to check the bathroom. 

“Noona?” Jisung calls, tilting his head as he stops in front of a door. 

You glance at the number on the door, letting out a small ‘oh’ as you realize that it is your flat. You shakily take the key out of your wallet, sighing as you try to put it in the lock. 

“Even when I’m not nervous, locks aren’t my thing,” you mumble, unlocking the door and pushing it open “you can just keep your shoes on since we’ll be here for five seconds.” 

Jisung nods his head, walking straight to the guest room. You close the door behind you, resting your forehead on the door. Taking one more breath, you turn around to walk to your bedroom.

As you approach the door, you shake out your hands. Be better y/n, be braver. 

“Jeno,” you say quietly knocking on the door “it’s y/n.” 

After a second goes by with no response, you slowly push open the door.  

“Thank god,” you whisper once you realize that the room is empty. 

You quickly walk to your bedside table where your bag was leaning against the side, picking it up and turning out of the room as quickly as possible. A sigh of relief escapes your lips as soon as you close the door, the last conversation you had with Jeno still hanging in the air. 

“Why don’t you go meet Felix outside, I have to do one more thing,” you tell Jisung, who was waiting by the door. 

He nods his head, opening the door “If you take longer than three minutes, I’ll drop you so fast.” 

“Nice threat,” you snort, rolling your eyes. 

“Thanks, I try,” he says, winking before closing the door. 

You smile softly, slinging the bag over your shoulder. You twist the engagement ring around your finger as you walk towards the kitchen table. slowly, you pull the ring off your finger. So far, the only time you have taken it off has been to sleep and when you helped YangYang move in. You thought the next memorable moment of taking this ring off was going to be your wedding. 

Before the memories can grab hold of you, you set the ring down on the table and hurry out of the flat.

~~

“Kuya, I’m so sorry I’m late,” you apologize, rushing into his office. 

You had made it to the bus stop in time, but, of course, the road was under construction. Thankfully the detour was after the school, so the boys were able to get to school on time. You, on the other hand, were ten minutes late to a meeting with Taeil. You had called him as soon as you saw the sign, telling him you were going to be late. He reassured you that it was okay, he said he could do other work until you got here. 

Taeil smiles as you drop into the seat in front of him “You’re all good, I got some paperwork done.” 

“Oh good, I’m glad I didn’t keep you then.”

“Then should we start?” 

“Yeah, of course. Let me just-” 

Your sentence is cut short as you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. 

“Sorry Kuya, it’s my friend. He’d only call if it’s important, I’ll just take a second.” 

Taeil nods his head, and you swipe the accept button. 

“Hey y/n, where is the key?” 

“Key?” 

“Yeah, you said you’d leave a key so I could get into your flat.” 

“Oh, I am sorry. It’s here with me, Jisung and I left our bags so I took him to go get it.” 

Of course this had to happen. Not only did your bus make you late, but now you’re the reason your best friend has no way of getting the clothes he needs for something legal.

“Oh, does anyone else have a copy?” 

“No, why would someone else have a copy of my key? Do you have enough time to come here? You can get the key, go to the apartment, and then to court.” Your breath comes out shaky, you hate how weak it must make you look. You can feel Taeil’s eyes watching you.

“I don’t think I do. I have to be there earlier than 20 because I guess they want me to go meet the guy at this place and I don’t even know,” you could hear that Ten was stressed, which made you even more anxious. 

“Um, can you see if YangYang has any nice clothes? You guys are almost the same size”

“Yeah, I guess I can ask him.” 

“Okay, again Ten I am really sorry. I completely forgot about you.” 

“Wow, thanks a lot. It’s not like I am your bestest bud or anything,” he replies sarcastically, the smile in his voice calming you down slightly. 

“I have to go, call me if you don’t get it.” 

“Will do, bye-bye,” he replies before hanging up on you. 

“I’m sorry about that. My friend has clothes at my house that I forgot to grab, and then I forgot to give him the key because I forgot mine and Jisungs bag there,” you explain. “Oh, and then because I went to get said bags I was late to our meeting-”

“Y/n?” 

“Yes?” 

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

“Blunt much?” you ask laughing, bringing the back of your hand to wipe a tear. 

“What’s wrong?” he pauses, looking down to where you are rubbing the skin on your left ring finger. “Did something happen with you and Jeno?” 

“This is so not the time and definitely not the place for this. I’m sorry that you have to see me like this, this is so unprofessional,” you say tilting your head back. 

“Y/n,” he says leaning forward onto the desk “I majored in psychology, I think that makes me qualified to listen to you.”

“You’re my coworker.” 

“I’m your friend.” 

You pause, bringing your head back to look at him. You hadn’t expected him to say that. You knew you were friends in the workplace, but you didn’t expect him to care. 

“Kuya Taeil, I don’t want to bother you, plus I already made you push back our meeting. The meeting I proposed to you, and I didn’t even make it on time,” you wipe two more tears that escape your eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay. How about we go down to the youth center for our review? Boom, meeting done,” he says picking his pen up and dropping it, spreading his arms, while mouthing ‘wow.’ 

You smile softly at his attempt to make you happy, you expected him to drop the subject as soon as you opposed.

He smiles back at you, before pouting “So will you tell Kuya what’s wrong?”  

“Wow, I never knew you could be so cute,” you compliment before taking a deep breath, averting your eyes to your lap.

“I uh, I don’t know where to stop,” you shake your head, smiling to yourself. “I mean start. But I guess Jeno never loved me? He uh, he loved my brother. “

Taeil’s eyes soften and you can’t help but notice the small sigh that leaves his lips. You don’t know what else you were expecting other than pity, you would feel the same if this happened to one of your friends. But you’re different, you don’t need other people to feel sorry for you. 

“If I’m pushing, just tell me. But what did he say?” 

“Does it matter exactly what he said? Because the message is that I was as close to dating my brother as he could get, he never wanted anything to do with me,” you clarified, fanning your eyes with your hand. 

“Y/n I am sure he didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” 

“And what does it matter if he didn’t mean to when he did,” you take a deep breath and run a hand through your hair. “That’s what I keep hearing, but whatever happened to the phrase actions speak louder than words? That doesn't just apply to the good situations.” 

He nods his head “And that makes sense, I’m sure it is just because we don’t know how to make you feel better. Because let me tell you, I have no idea what to say.” 

Taeil smiles after he succeeds in making you smile, he was glad you were talking to him. He knows you well enough to know you don’t see things pertaining to yourself clearly. 

“So now that we have that out of the way, let’s get down to business. I am just going to talk, and if I say anything wrong feel free to chuck this at me,” he says seriously, pushing a box of tissues towards you. “I don’t know the full story, and I can imagine how hard this is for you. But what about him?” 

“And what about him, he hid it from me for weeks. I’m not a monster Kuya, I’m not mad that he’s gay. I’m hurt that he kept it from me. And yeah, okay, maybe if I looked deep into my soul some part of me would be jealous. Jealous that the one man I want to marry, the one man I was ready to come home to every day, loves someone else,” you confess, smiling at how ridiculous you sound. Dropping your head into your hands, you squeeze your eyes shut. “God, I wish he had just cheated on me. Then I could hate him and move on.” 

“And that is fair, but again what about his point of view?” Taeil asks calmly. 

You tilt your head, something about his calm tone driving you crazy. “Do you think I haven’t done that? You’re forgetting I majored in psychology too, I don’t need this mansplained. While my brother was coming to get me and I was packing the bags, that was all I could do. I stood there, thought about how hard it must be for him to come out to me. How brave he is to come out to his long term girlfriend, to tell her that he likes her brother more than her. I am proud of him for gathering the courage.” 

“But what about me? I have never complained about the big things in my life, I have never cheated or lied. I cared for my brother when he couldn’t speak English very well, I tried to not let my mom see how hard the moving was, I am the supportive friend. I did everything! So why does this have to happen to me? Why does the man I love have to like someone else?” 

“Y/n I-” 

“And I know,” you say, cutting him off “that these have nothing to do with each other. But for once in my life, I want to feel sorry for myself. To not be the bigger person and have a reason to just feel sorry for myself rather than receive pity from someone else. And I know how awful that sounds, I know that that makes me sound so awful. But I’m tired Kyua, I am so so tired.” 

Again, his eyes soften as the tears stream down your face. “Y/n that doesn't make you an awful person. I think that is a fine reaction to have to something like this, I would probably do the same. This isn’t going to go away until you face it.” 

“You know, I came here for sympathy.”

“You came here because your income depends on it.” 

“Please, you people need me to come here.”

“We definitely need you, without you who would handle Jisung? And since you are such a great worker, I am gifting you the day off,” he announces standing up. 

You look up to him, too tired to figure out what he was talking about “You aren’t my boss, you don’t have the right to ‘gift me’ a day off. But thanks I guess.” 

“Just don’t worry about it,” he says, walking to your side of the desk. He crouches down and grabs the things you had taken out, smiling at you as he puts them back into your bag. “You look like you need a day. My only request is that you take today to talk to him. You have a lot to talk about.” 

You stiffen at his words, at the idea of seeing Jeno again so soon. “I don’t think I’m ready to look at him Kuya.” 

“Y/n, you won’t ever be ready. But you have to do it sooner rather than later, everyone thinks you are still engaged,” he stands back up, patting the bag. He holds onto it as he takes a seat in the chair next to you

 “If you want, I can text him from your phone and then you only have to do the hard part. Sound good?” 

Your eyes widen and you straighten in the chair “Um no. You have made it clear that I have to talk to him, but so soon? I mean I only found out last night.” 

“That’s great! No better time than the present.” 

“Kuya I don’t know, that seems too soon to me.” 

Taeil sighs, dropping his head back dramatically before looking you dead in the eyes “Look y/n, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The hard way is I break into wherever your file is, find his number on the emergency contact form, and call him that way. That plan also involves me holding you here against your will.” 

“Don’t you think that’s illegal in some way?” 

He shrugs his shoulders “Doesn’t have to be.” 

You groan loudly, pulling out your phone “Will you stay here with me?” 

“It’s my office, of course I’m not going anywhere,” he answers sarcastically. 

You smile nervously at him, opening your phone and pulling up Jeno’s contact. After a last comforting look from Taeil, you press call and hold the phone to your ear. 

“Y/n? “ Jeno answers quietly. 

You take in a sharp breath, you weren’t expecting him to answer right away. “Um hey Jeno, Kuya Taeil is kind of holding me hostage so I have to ask you something.” 

“Oh yeah, shoot.” 

You shift in your seat, you miss when conversations between you two weren’t awkward. “Can we meet up and talk? We can meet up at the flat if you want.” 

“Oh, well I am here right now. Hyung made me take the day off,” he pauses, laughing awkwardly “but I guess that doesn't help if you’re at work. I’ll shut up now.” 

“No, it’s okay. Taeil said I could have the day off, so I can come now. I just have to talk to my actual boss, but I’m sure she’ll give me the day off. Just, I’ll be there yeah?” you don’t know why you feel the need to assure him that you’ll be there, you just want him to feel safe. Yet something about that makes you feel like you’ve lost. 

“Okay, well take your time. I don’t want you to get into more trouble.”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah, text me when you’re on your way. Oh, I- thank you for giving the ring back.”

“Oh,” at the mention of the ring, you rub your thumb over where it used to be. “Yeah, of course. I’m sure- yeah you’re welcome.” 

Jeno laughs softly “I’ll see you soon?” 

“Yeah, I’ll text you when I’m on my way,” you hang up the phone before something more awkward can come out. 

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” 

“It was so awkward, but I think you’re right. This was a good idea,” you admit standing up. You wipe your eyes one more time, and pick up your bag. 

Taeil nods his head, standing up and walking to the door “Of course it is a good idea, it was my idea.” 

You nod your head, eyes cast down “Thank you for your help today. I didn’t think we were close enough for you to care,” you glance up at him “Can I uh.” 

You smile as he spreads his arms open for a hug, squeezing you tight once you wrap your arms around him. “Of course I care, us foreigners have to stick together right?” 

You smile, letting him go “You’re right, me and you against the world.” 

He nods his head, pulling the door open for you “Now, go make yourself feel better.” 

---

Thank you all for reading! I feel like this was a pretty boring and long chapter, so thank you for making it through! I’m going to end the series either next part or the one after, most likely the next one. I would love to know your thoughts, have an amazing day/night! 

Taglist: @jnctzen @etaerealboy​

Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Part 3 | Part 5

Summery: Your fiancé starts acting different once your brother comes back to Korea after working for a year in England.  

[saiilorstars]

Next Stop, Everywhere

Chapter 15: The Losses and the Gains

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: Female OC x 10th Doctor

(Minerva’s face claim: Victoria Camacho)

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Chapter summary: To help Minerva finally open up about her past, the Doctor takes her to a Guinguette where the trio can relax and give Minerva their full support.

// Story Masterlist //

I couldn't maintain my sobs under a low volume as I stood in front of my big sister's gravestone. I think my eyes were literally water-wells because the amount of water that streamed down from them were ridiculous, but then again...this was Olivia. Liv. My sister...and she was dead.

"Go ahead," the Doctor urged me, gesturing for me to do what we had come to do.

He had brought me to the one place that could potentially pave the way for my 'recuperation': Olivia's burial site. He and Martha stood behind me while I stared endlessly at Liv's tombstone. I don't know how, but I managed to tell Martha the same story I told the Doctor. And to my luck, she didn't reject me either. She was with the Doctor on this one; I had been wronged, not the other way around. But more importantly, forgetting who was right and wrong, they both comforted me and helped me stand where I am now, the one place I had never been to despite all the traveling I did.

When my mother prevented me from attending Olivia's burial, I thought I'd never gather my courage to come on my own later on. Because as time went by, I was sure that it was my fault Liv was in a coffin and buried. I felt like I'd be a hypocrite for coming to mourn her. I felt like she would judge me from above, and if she could, she'd order me to leave her alone. So when the Doctor told me where we were going, I was initially very resistant to it. But he told me that I was wrong, that everything I thought about Liv was just wrong. He said, if I wanted to be okay, I had to come here. I had to start by finally mourning her.

But the question that burned in my head was...would I ever be okay? Would I ever be fine?

I stepped up and knelt down, placing an orange tulip on Liv's tombstone, her favorite flower, "Olivia, it's me...Joyce, like you used to call me, huh? I forgot about that nickname. I seem to have a thousand, honestly. I know I never came here before, but I hope you're not too angry with me. You know how Mom can be. But honestly, I was afraid to come here. I think you're judging me, calling me a hypocrite because it's my fault you're here...buried..." I paused, swallowing very hard, "...but I just want to say, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I said to you. I was just a jealous kid. Mom and dad always prioritized their time for you and work, and I was so jealous..." I shook my head, looking back and realizing just how bad I was to her at times, "...but it wasn't your fault. You were a good sister, even if we weren't very close, you were different from Mom and Dad. You tried to help me when I needed it, even when I was that annoying little sister that bugged you," I smiled a little, wiping some tears off my face, "But just know that...I'm so sorry, please forgive me." That was the last I could say before I burst into sobs.

"C'mon," the Doctor helped me up, keeping me right beside him and holding my hand, "She knows it's not your fault."

"But what if she doesn't? What if she thinks I killed her too?"

"She can't," Martha said, taking my other hand, "She doesn't."

The Doctor agreed, nodding his head, "Olivia Souza is much smarter than that. She would never think her little sister killed her."

"I miss her so much, Doctor, so much," I covered my mouth and muffled more sobs.

"It's okay," he turned and hugged me, "Just mourn her, let go of your guilt."

I felt like an utter child the way I sobbed, but neither he nor Martha reprimanded me for it. Instead, Martha moved over and joined the hug, both gripping me tightly, like one small family.

~0~

"Minerva, you can't keep this up," the Doctor warned as I was brought to the console room by Martha, practically by the hair.

"I want to go back to my room. I need to finish my school work that I still haven't returned," I cried, releasing myself from Martha's grip.

"I doubt the little work you brought with us from the hospital takes you a full week to finish," the Doctor said, getting a sharp look from me, "You've locked yourself in your room doing school work with no breaks. You can't do that!"

"It's not healthy," Martha said softly, "You've got to talk to us."

"What I need to do is get back to work," I snapped, "I need to be forgiven."

"Olivia has-"

"She's not the one I'm talking about," I cut the Doctor off, "I should've told you this but then again I thought you would've realized it too. I bury myself in work so that I can forget. Liv will never forgive me as well as my mother, but maybe, maybe my grandmother will. But I just need to work hard," I swallowed hard, another round of tears making its way to my eyes, "I need to work."

"Minerva that's not healthy," Martha repeated, much more concerned, "Self blame, withdrawing, anger is part of psychological tr-"

"It's MY FAULT!" I shouted at her, making her jump, "It's my fault, and I have to make up for it," I turned and hurried off for my room.

"Minerva!" the Doctor called, following after me, "Minerva!"

"Leave me alone! I don't want to do it anymore!"

"Do what?" he caught up in one, two and turned me around.

I looked up with glossy eyes, taking everything I had not to cry anything, not in front of him, "This," I gestured to us, "I can't..."

"I'm not following," he eyed me with confusion.

"I don't want to cry in front of you anymore," I confessed, "I feel like I could re-fill the river Thames we drained up with Donna after all the crying I've done. It embarrasses me that you've seen me like this. You weren't supposed to. I was just supposed to tell you what happened to Liv and then move on like I did with Jackie and Mickey. But you make me go in depth and tel you everything and I makes me cry," I quickly rubbed off said tears, "I wanna talk to you but I don't want to cry anymore."

"We can work with that," he declared, looking like an idea had just sparked in his head, "We'll talk, and I know just the place. A lively place where the only thing you can do is smile, laugh, eat, or dance. Or all of the above!"

"I'm not up for any of that, Doctor," I shook my head.

"Go to the wardrobe and dress for 1848."

" I don't-"

"I know you love playing dress up in that room so go and pick out a dress or I will go in myself and take out the first thing I see and I guarantee you will not like it so go," he pointed ahead, acting so authoritative it was actually kind of amusing I just had to smile a little, "Heeey, you're smiling!'

"I don't know how you do that," I shook my head.

"It's a gift," he shrugged and turned me for the wardrobe room, "Now go."

"But I don't want to-"

"Yes, you do, now go!"

"But what about Martha?"

"Oh yes! Go get her too! 1848, remember that."

"Where are we going?"

He grinned deviously, "My secret."

"But-"

"Just go or I'll choose the dress, and trust me-"

"I don't want that to happen, yeah," I rolled my eyes and started for Martha, "I got it.

Whatever this Martian had in mind, I was so not in the mood for it.

~0~

"There, you look pretty," Martha complemented, pushing part of my hair over my shoulder and moving aside to allow me to see myself in the mirror.

As much as I hated the idea of going somewhere, the Doctor was right, I did love playing dress up with the wardrobe room. The fact there were clothes from all types of historical periods fascinated me! At times, the Doctor would often be searching for me only to find me lounging around, picking out clothes I would wear on our next trips. Though because this was a sudden trip, an unexpected one, I wasn't entirely sure what to wear - that the fact that my head couldn't deal with such petty things. But Martha stepped in, and she took care of it, as usual.

Right now, I wore an ankle-length, midnight blue dress of organza silk. Its long-sleeves were laced up and reached to my wrists. The dress was in a v-neckline manner and the bodice area was black and laced up as well; the same type of black lace outlined the the dress' hemline. The skirt was in a tulle style with many flounce layers to expand and make the dress wider as it would belong to the 1840s. My hair cascaded down with only two twists on either side of my hair, held up with black pins.

"Do you think it needs earrings?" Martha asked, now checking herself in the mirror.

She wore an elegant, deep red dress. It was another long-sleeve, with a red and black pattern adorning her arms and, bodice area, and skirt. It was a straight across neckline style with a small, black necklace falling above it. Along the hemlines was a shiny, black silk laced pattern. Her hair was picked up and even curled at the end. She looked stunning!

"Whatever you do, Martha, you'll look great," I shrugged, watching her choosing between two pairs of black earrings, "But I think the people in that time didn't really care about them."

"Yeah, or didn't know what they were," she chuckled and set the boxes down, "Change my mind, I don't want any."

"Then I suppose it's time to go," I sighed and walked for the doors.

"You're not so happy with this mysterious trip, are you?" she crossed her arms.

"I'm afraid," I opened the doors.

"You shouldn't be. Your sister forgave you, I mean, she probably knows it really wasn't your fault, but-"

"I'm afraid I'll let the Doctor down," I corrected, cutting her off midway.

"Of what?"

"He's gonna expect some big, miraculous recovery of a pain that's lasted for over three years, plus the pain before Olivia's death. He's going to want to see me get over it by the time we return and...and I can't do that, Martha," I shook my head, shutting my eyes as I felt a bit of water rushing up to them, "I can't."

"Hey, hey," she walked over, putting a hand on my shoulder, "He doesn't expect that from you. Neither of us expect that from you. Don't feel pressurized, please. What he expects, what we both expect, is for you to confide in one of us, both of us if you like, so that you can finally breathe a little. I'm no psychologist, barely a Doctor," she paused and we both smiled, "But I know it can't be good for someone to keep such a trauma bottled up, especially if that kid already had problems with her family to begin with."

"I'm no kid," I argued weakly, smiling.

"No, you're not," she smiled back and opened the door for us and we started walking towards the console room, "You're pretty grown up."

"Yeah..."

"I mean, you take care of yourself on your own, that includes education and personal needs without bothering anyone else. You're really mature and grown up," she shrugged, "Never seen anyone like you."

"Thanks."

"And sometimes, you're even more grown up than the Doctor," she whispered, though our laughter was loud.

"Is that a laughter I heard?" the Doctor called, working on the console; more like breaking things as usual, "From Minerva?"

"It's not out of this world," I mock-glared.

"After a week, I think it is," he walked over, stopping to study us both.

"Oh here we go," Martha rolled her eyes, "Fashion criticism time. Alright, give us your worst."

He rolled his eyes at her and shook his head, "You look like red wine."

"I can't tell if that's an insult or not, can you?" she glanced at me.

"Red wine is usually elegant," I offered, shrugging.

"Oh, I'm elegant," she considered it for a while more, "Okay, I'll take it. And what you got for her?" she nodded to me, "Smurf?"

"Oi," I frowned for a second and made her laugh, "You picked this one out. Were you trying to make me look bad?" she playfully rolled her eyes while shaking her head.

"You look...beautiful," the Doctor remarked, looking me over.

"Mmm, I get red wine and she gets 'beautiful', I got you alien," she narrowed her eyes as if warning him, "I got you."

"Martha stop," he ordered lightly, "You really do look beautiful though," he smiled at me and suddenly I had an actual blush warming up my face, "How are you feeling?"

"Um..." I cleared my throat, hoping his oblivion would actually work to my favor at the moment while my blush disappeared, "...just..." I shrugged, no answer for that question, and I wondered when exactly I would be able to answer it.

"Well, I was hoping this place could kind of cheer you up," he sighed, looking at me for another moment, only enforcing the dang blush, "Hopefully I'll manage to do that."

~0~

We stepped out all together, my eyes covered by the Doctor's hands yet Martha freely looking around. It only made me squirm even more when I heard her gasp and 'awe'. As bad as I felt, my curiosity always won over.

"Can I please see, now?" I asked for the third time in the one minute we'd been here.

"Oh, seems like I'm doing well so far," I could almost hear the Doctor's cocky grin with that remark.

"It's only because you're covering my eyes and therefore my curiosity will obviously rise," I clarified, "Now can I please see?"

"You're gonna love it, Minerva," Martha assured, though sounding distracted as she probably was still looking around.

"One...two...three," the Doctor took his hands off my eyes and allowed me to see what was so 'great' that made my friend gasp and awe.

I blinked, looking around as the sun partially covered up my vision. It was very beautiful, I'll admit first. There were bright, green vines covering buildings and trees, and...tree-houses? There were people inside those 'tree houses'! Others were inside the main building where the laughter and clattering of dishes alerted us it was another restaurant building. But there were tables set down on the ground, adults chattering while children scurried around. There were small games set around, different pairs playing them while others opted for horse rides around the establishment. I think I even saw an elegant swing set behind the several trees and besides the building.

"Where are we?" was all I could say at the sight, eyes quickly scanning one thing and another.

"Le Plessis-Robinson," the Doctor answered, "A guinguette, mind you. Opened in 1848 and was a hit for several years."

"Those are tree houses," I pointed up.

Wrong," he moved beside me, hands behind his back, "Those are private places to have a nice meal with friends and family."

"But that's incredible," Martha gawked, "Oh I am so riding a horse," she quickly glanced at me, "After we talk of course, you first."

"Don't let me hold you back, Martha," I said, "Go on if you'd like that."

"No, I mean it. Look, I get why you told the Doctor about your sister, but you had no obligation to tell me. And yet, you did. It makes me think I'm becoming a part of your friendship, and I'm so thankful."

"Well, before we cry for unnecessary reasons," the Doctor began and took each of our hands into his. "Why don't we begin on this trip's purpose?" he glanced at me and moved aside, leaving me in between them. "The whole point is for you to talk."

"But I don't want to cry-"

"And that's the beauty of this place," he gestured ahead of us, "It's one big distraction! Anytime you feel like you're going to cry and you don't want to, just stop talking and we'll do something else, anything you want. Then, when you feel confident to continue, start talking again and we'll listen."

I looked at him oddly, "So this is like a hit-play-and-pause-button thing?"

"Yup!" he grinned excitedly, "And I'm with Martha on the horse riding. I had a horse once, his name was Arthur, remember I told you about him?" I nodded, recalling he had left said horse with Madame de Pompadour, "Maybe we can hit that pause button and go horse riding."

"I've never ridden a horse in my life," I informed then smiled at my friend's excitement with the horses, "But I suppose I could watch you."

"Excellent!"

"But it could take hours for me to finish," I admitted, "I've never really unleashed everything and I since don't want to cry it'll take even more to finish."

"Then it'll take more to finish and that's that," he gripped my hand, "We're here for you and anytime you want to start then start. Don't mind us."

I looked between them, their encouraging faces willing me to begin as soon as possible. They had such faith that I'd start telling and feel better about it, and truthfully, I wanted to feel better...and I wanted to tell them everything. So I would.

~0~

We walked around the guinguette, just taking a look at what was around and what we'd be doing when I 'paused'.

"I was born on October 31st, 1990," I began, "To Sophia Souza Lozano and Nicolas Souza Lane. I'm the youngest of two, my sister being...seven years older than me. We were a small family, well," I shook my head, "If you can really call us a family. Ever since I could remember, I've been below my sister in everything. My parents love me, at least I hope they do, but it was always clear they had a preference for Liv."

"Why do you say that?" Martha asked, eyeing the Doctor as if they were both agreeing to be cautious in case I had a mini-episode.

"My parents are amazing lawyers, they're just brilliant at what they do and they love it. They built this law-firm that they run and they wanted Liv and I to follow in their footsteps. Liv always had a knack for it and so she was on board the moment she knew of my parents plans for us. But me...not so much. And I suppose that's the first error I committed that got me cast off as the inferior daughter. But even before that, I was never given a proper chance to be a good daughter. It's made me think why would they bring in a child into the world if they were gonna hate it."

"Don't say that," the Doctor frowned, "Beneath all the cruelty there has to be some love from your parents."

"Yeah well let me know if you find it," I sighed, "You know, there are tons of photo albums from Liv's childhood, starting with her first ultrasound picture. I don't even have that. There are no pictures of me until I was about one, one and a half maybe. I was never even given a chance," I stopped walking, feeling the wave of tears begin to rise, "I can't..."

"And it's okay, hit pause," the Doctor said softly, "C'mon, let's go play a game or something."

I nodded and let them lead me off to play some game, hoping I would calm soon enough.

~0~

"I'll get it," Martha exclaimed, throwing a ring at the columns of bottles. The ring went over and fell on the ground, "Aw, never mind. I quit."

"Martha, you do it like this," the Doctor took one of her rings and threw it...only for it to hit a bottle and drop to the ground.

Martha scoffed, "Yeah, I think I'll try that...never."

He rolled his eyes and took another ring from her then handed it to me, "Why don't you try, Minerva?"

"I don't know, I feel like I should just watch you two instead," I shrugged.

"Oh you just like seeing us lose," Martha shook her head, "Try one."

I sighed and took the ring, well this was the point of a 'pause', "Okay."

"I'll go get some more," Martha quickly jumped on the opportunity to enhance the distraction and ran off.

I aimed for a certain bottle and suddenly stopped, silently contemplating, "You know, my mother kept her pregnancy a secret from my family," came out instead.

"Excuse me?" the poor Doctor questioned, having to stop and see the pause button had lifted.

"When my Mom was pregnant with me, she didn't tell anyone. My grandmother said one day she just stopped by with a one year old toddler in her arms, Olivia just eight years old. She didn't tell anyone she was pregnant, except my father. Why did she do that?" For once, I had left the Martian speechless. I sighed and set down the ring, walking away from the stand.

"Minerva, hold on," the Doctor called, quickly catching up.

"Was she thinking of abortion?" I turned to him, "What mother does that?"

"We may never know what ran through her head but the point is, she didn't. She kept you and because of her there's a beautiful, intelligent, young woman traveling with me."

"No thanks to her, she only birthed me. The person I am today, personality-wise, is because of my grandparents. I practically raised myself with the help of them."

"Thank god, no offense," he quickly retracted from any bad ways it could've been taken, "I don't want you to be like your mother. You're definitely not."

"Do you think my mom ever regretted not aborting?"

Next thing I knew, his finger was over my lips, "That question will never be asked again, understand?" he raised a serious eyebrow, "If there's one good thing she's done is give birth to you."

"Birth? What birth?" Martha returned to us, new rings on her wrists, "What happened to the game?"

"I hit the play button," I replied.

"Apparently, good old Sophia hid her pregnancy from her family, not revealing Minerva until she was one," the Doctor explained, gritting his teeth.

Martha looked horrified, "Oh my god," she looked at me, "Your mom has serious issues."

"Funny, that's what she told me," I shrugged, "She always said there was something different about me, something she didn't like."

"And what could that be?"

"She didn't ever tell me...but she said I could cause lots of pain. And that she wouldn't allow me to hurt anyone."

"That sounds ridiculous," Martha shook her head.

"No, that sounds like a paranoid human," the Doctor corrected, looking like he was thinking of something.

"As ridiculous or paranoid it may sound, she was right. I did hurt someone, Liv."

"No you didn't," they both said, stepping closer to me.

"Look, Olivia was old enough to make her own decisions," Martha began.

"And she chose to drive in a state she shouldn't have," the Doctor continued, "Lots of people tend to do that and it's no one's fault but theirs."

"She could've walked," Martha reminded.

"Or better yet, she could've stayed and worked things out with you," the Doctor reached for my hand, Martha doing the same.

"But she didn't," she sighed.

"And what happened after that was not your fault."

"And we're sure she knows that."

"But that's not what my Mom thinks, what most of my family thinks," I reminded, "Tell me, how do you get rid of an idea that's been implanted in your head for four years?"

"Because it's not, and deep down you know it," the Doctor answered, "But also, deep down, you think of your blame and accept that it because you think, if you accept that fault then your mother would forgive you. But it doesn't work like that, Minerva. Primarily because it's not your fault."

"That's not the only guilt I carry," I admitted, "Olivia's death was just the beginning of the guilt, then when I left home..." I shook my head, blinking rapidly the tears away, "Let's go play some more," I quickly walked off, hearing them right behind.

The dead couldn't forgive me, but could a sweet, old lady?

~0~

"Oh, look at that," Martha walked ahead of us, gesturing to the one swing set we'd seen earlier, "Isn't it pretty?"

There was one swing, with a wooden seat that I'm sure wasn't comfortable unless you worse a dress with layers like Martha and I wore. Beautiful vines covered the chains and poles, a few pink roses sprouting as well.

Martha plopped down, giving a few small pushes with her feet, "Eh, it's more for show," she crinkled her face as the chains creaked, "Oh! Why don't we do the horse rides? In sure that'll put you in a good mood," she stood up.

"I'm not sure," I said, "The idea scares me."

"We could always eat first," the Doctor suggested.

"How about I just sit on that swing for a while?" I pointed, the beautiful swing just taunting me to come over.

"Okay," she moved aside and I walked over, sitting down and putting my hands around the chains, "I feel like a princess," I admitted sheepishly.

"And I bet the horses would make you feel even more like a princess," Martha edged on for the horse rides, "Cinderella?"

"First of all, not blonde," I reminded, gesturing to my brunette hair over my shoulder, "And no blue eyes."

"Can't we just try to ride?" she looked between the Doctor and I, looking so hopeful we would say yes.

"Go see how it works," I sighed, "And we'll ride them."

"Oh thank you!" she rushed over and hugged me, running off towards the horses.

"Way to stick to the subject!" the Doctor called after her, shaking his head.

"Oh leave her," I smiled after our friends, "She came to time travel not to hear some girl's life story."

"It's a story we want to hear," he assured.

I sighed and gently pushed myself, "My grandparents used to take me to this park and I always had to go on the swings."

"Yeah?" he leaned against the pole.

"But I wanted to be a 'big girl' and push myself," I smiled, recalling the taunts my grandfather used to do to get me to push myself when I got lazy.

"I bet you were a sassy and argumentative five year old," he smirked.

"You'd be shocked to know I wasn't. When you grow up isolated, it's sort of impossible to be sassy on your own."

"How lonely was your childhood?" he asked, now serious.

"I felt like my real parents were my grandparents. I had a big, big house, with all the toys a kid could want and yet I was the loneliest. My grandma taught me how to cook, how to sew, how to read, how to be kind, be respectful, be caring...my grandpa taught me how to ride a bike, skates, how to sing songs with him. He loved to have little duets with me. They taught me basically everything I know. They were my parents. Mine wouldn't even greet me in the mornings. I was lucky to eat dinner with them, their work consumed most of their day and Olivia was too old to play with me. I had two or three friends out there but a kid wants their parents with them, you know. I wanted my mom and dad, but they were never there."

"When you said your parents wanted you to be a lawyer..." he trailed off, cautiously pausing to see how I'd react.

"Clearly, I was never close to my family, and when I told my mom I didn't want to be a lawyer, things got worse. She yelled so much that day I wondered how she didn't lose her voice. This was before I was thirteen, but it didn't matter. I suppose I let her down."

"Hey, if you didn't want to follow in their footsteps then it's okay. No one can tell to what you're working in. No one gets to choose your profession."

"After that day, my isolation increased," I sighed, looking down, the lonely night when I was afraid of the monsters in the closet, "And then Olivia died...that was the last straw for my parents and me. I...emancipated myself."

"What?" he stood away from the pole, shocked.

I swallowed hard, keeping my eyes focused on the ground, I didn't want to cry yet, "The reason my school work didn't have any mention of my parents is because they're not legally responsible for me. I filed for emancipation two months after my 14th birthday."

"Minerva," he whispered, his footsteps following after wards, appearing in front of me, bent down to my seating level, "You what?"

"I couldn't take it anymore, Doctor," I shut my eyes, "I was just done. I wanted to get the hell out of the house."

"But you could've gone to live with your grandparents-"

"My grandfather had died and I wouldn't become my grandmother's burden." A tear started strolling down my face, but I still wanted to continue, "Such a sweet woman didn't deserve it. Oh god, she was so upset when she heard of the emancipation. She begged me to stay with her but I couldn't. And I didn't...and I disappointed her. To this day, I don't think she forgave me either. That's why I work hard on everything I do, so hard so that one day I can go and visit her and make her proud of me. Olivia's dead and I'll never forgive myself for it but my grandmother is still alive and I can still earn hers. I could still have a chance. I want to make her proud of me...but maybe it's too late."

"It's never too late," he smiled softly, taking out a cloth from his pocket and pressing it to my cheek, drying it clean from tears, "I don't think she cares about forgiveness. I think she just wants to see her granddaughter."

"Do you think?" I sniffled, slowly able to look at him.

"From the little I've talked to her, I know that's what she wants. She just wants her granddaughter to come back, to answer her calls. And when you do go back, I know she'll be so proud of you. You've done the impossible. You saved the world, what other granddaughter has done that?"

"That was you."

"I didn't do it alone so don't sell yourself short. You've made her proud countless times now. You've done good, Minerva, and it's about time you realize it."

I exhaled in a shaky manner, dropping from my swing to him for a hug, "Pause!" And I started to cry nonetheless.

~0~

" So you...emancipated yourself?" Martha blinked, her eyes so wide I thought they'd just pop out her head.

We had caught her up as soon as she returned, wanting all of us to be on the same page. We had moved to go eat lunch, up on a tree. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was like a tree-house, but very sturdy and large, and not at all wobbling or creaking. The same, beautiful vines were wrapped around the wooden poles and roof. There was a wooden table, where Martha, the Doctor and I sat, a whole course meal set in front of us. Everything was just...amazing, too bad we had visited under these circumstances.

"Martha, she hasn't hit play," the Doctor reminded her, taking a sip of his drink.

"Oops, sorry!" she exclaimed, alarmed she'd pushed me too far.

"Play," I said calmly, feeling like this was becoming oddly easy as the day went by.

"Are you sure?" the Doctor asked.

"Yeah," I nodded, taking a deep breath, "I'm ready."

"So, um, emancipation..." Martha fiddled with her food, trying to act like her curiosity wasn't getting the best of her, "...how did you do it?" Her eyes widened again at the thought.

"With a lot of evidence," I replied, "I was fourteen, legal age to file, and my parents didn't care very much. They thought I was only joking but by the time things were too far it was too late."

"But don't your parents have to, like, authorize?"

"I presented everything that showed what a life I lived and the judge was even surprised. I proved I could handle myself, I was intelligent back then too," I caused both to smile, "And I'd have a steady job for a while. I'd work with my uncle, he's a photographer and traveled around the worlds."

"Is that where you got your adventurous spirit?" the Doctor asked.

"In a sense, yeah," I nodded, "He's my mother's brother, and completely opposites. Along with my grandparents, he believed in me. He understood me. My mom and him had the same argument over what he should be when they were young. He was just like me."

"What do you wanna become?" he asked.

I thought about it and resulted with an unknown answer, and I was embarrassed to admit it so I moved on like it was never even asked, "My uncle, Aaron, was the first to know about my plans for emancipation and...he helped me."

"He helped you?" both friends repeated with surprise, but I understood very well; it wasn't common for a mother's brother to help their niece file for emancipation against his sister and brother-in-law.''

"He's the one that helped me find a lawyer; apparently Greyson owed him a favor, good lawyer," I leaned back on my chair, "Together, we worked for my freedom. And Uncle Aaron even helped me the first couple of months after I was emancipated by bringing me along on his trips as an assistant. We both loved to travel so much, I suppose it's what bonded us."

"And where's your uncle now?" the Doctor questioned, "Do you speak to him?"

"Not really," I shook my head, "I don't have his number anymore. But if I could, I would speak to him."

"So we got a good uncle, grandmother, grandfather," Martha counted on her fingers, "So why don't you call any of them?"

"Because I can't, Martha. Every time I hear my grandmother's voice I think of how much I made her suffer. I can hear her begging in my head not to leave and I can't get rid of it."

"But you want to go back, don't you? You want to see her again if not you wouldn't 'work so hard'," the Doctor said, "You plan on returning."

"Maybe, one day," I shrugged, thinking of the day I would finally gather all my courage and visit my grandmother, "But I have to work more. She has to see how much I've accomplished. I want to make her proud of me and earn her forgiveness."

"You do," Martha nodded, the Doctor agreeing as well, "It's amazing how much you've done and not even realize it, Minerva. That's what I like about you, you don't show off in the least."

"Thanks, but I don't think it's enough. Besides, I can't just go blabbing about traveling in time to her. She's old and she wouldn't be able to handle something like that."

"Oi, give her some credit," the Doctor scolded lightly, "I think to handle losing two granddaughters, one for four years and still remains alive has been a lot."

"Yeah..." I contemplated his words, wondering how much pain I put my grandmother through. God, I hoped she'd forgive me one day, "...I can't...I just can't..." I looked at the table, seeing our fruit was still missing and feeling more tears come through, I quickly stood up, "...you know what, there's still some fruit we haven't got, I'll go get some." And I scurried off, or at least I tried to.

"Oh no you don't!" the Doctor called, his sounds of footsteps coming closer and closer down the stairs.

"Catch her!" Martha called, peering down from above.

"Thanks for the help, Martha!"

"Oi, I've got heels and a dress!"

"Got you," the Doctor spun me around midway through the spiral stairs, "Come on, Minerva. The whole point is to talk, not to run away."

"I'm sorry," I looked away, ashamed of my action, "It's just...too much..."

He nodded, "I know, and I'm very proud you're taking the step to talk us."

"I'm glad I made one person proud..."

"Stop it, just stop it," he ordered seriously, "You've got to stop putting so much blame on yourself! You've been tortured enough all your life and you won't continue to do it while you're with us. No more."

I looked at him and I couldn't help chuckle a little, albeit bitterly, "You thought I was such a 'beautiful complexion' when in reality I'm nothing but an ugly, horrible mess. Look at me," I let my arms fall beside me, frustrated with my life.

"Oh, don't say that," he put a hand on my cheek, rubbing away loose tears with his thumb, "I don't take back my words. I see a complexion, a much more complex complexion," he made a face that was able to get a faint smile from me, and in return he smiled as well. "But beautiful nonetheless..."

"Face it Doctor, I'm not the innocent girl you met. I'm not a good person."

"I could say the same for you, I'm no innocent man either," he shook his head, taking his hand off me.

"But what you did was without choice," I reminded, disliking the pain in his eyes when he spoke of that moment. He was very right, it was the same pain in my eyes, only his was enhanced with the thousands of people that died. And I hated it, I hated how tortured he looked, "I look at you and I just see the Doctor, someone who's always there when people need his help."

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow, seeming in doubt.

"Oh yeah, I see the ridiculous, banana-loving, alien that I time travel with."

He smiled, "Really? That's good, that's very good," he seemed so excited I actually laughed, "And that's even better," he pointed.

"Oi! You two?" Martha's voice made us look up, the woman looking down at us rather impatiently, "Are we going to have lunch or stand on the stairs?"

"Well?" the Doctor looked at me, gesturing the way back up, "That chicken smelled really good you know."

"And pasta, I love pasta," I nodded, taking hold of his hand, "Did you do that on purpose?" I questioned as we started back up, me holding a piece of my dress so I wouldn't trip.

"Maybe. Psychic paper does wonders for us."

"I thank you for your consideration in me, it means a lot."

"There you are," Martha walked over to us as soon as stepped onto the shack, "Are you okay?" she looked at me.

I sighed, looking at the table to avoid the answer of the question, "So how's about that lunch?"

"Definitely," she nodded, understanding I just couldn't answer to that yet, and returned to her seat as did we, "So, I was thinking we could maybe find your uncle," she said slowly, and rather casually, "If that's okay with you."

"I think it'd be a good idea," the Doctor agreed.

"I...I guess I wouldn't mind," I considered it, knowing Uncle Aaron would have so many stories of his own adventures to tell me if we spoke again, "Yeah, I definitely wouldn't mind."

"Excellent!" the Doctor grinned with so much excitement at the answer, "And your grandmother?"

"I don't know..." I shook my head, "...I don't feel ready."

"Well, regarding the promise I made to Jackie, I'm going to tweak it."

"How so?"

"I'm bringing you home," he nodded, chuckling at my deep frown I immediately gave. Had he not heard everything? I didn't want to go home! "I'm bringing you to your real home, with your grandmother. That's where you'd be more happy."

"I'm not ready, Doctor," I said quietly.

"But you will be," he said with so much assurance I almost believed him.

"There's no pressure though," Martha said, "But I'm with the Doctor on this one, you definitely will be ready."

"Maybe..." I shrugged, smiling sadly, knowing that day was just too far away.

~0~

"Olivia was a good sister, we weren't as close as I wanted us to be, but...she was different from my parents," I explained as the Doctor and I took a walk around the guinguette's outskirts, our arms linked with each other.

"Minerva, who is Olivia?" he asked, encouraging me to talk more about her.

"Olivia Sophia Souza was this amazing, perfect woman that ever walked the earth," I smiled at the memory of my sister, "She was beautiful. And I'm talking like super-model beautiful. She was blonde, tall, icy blue eyes," I chuckled a little, "They say she was the splitting image of my mother when she was young. My mom was blonde back in her day, though she dyed it brown for some reason, but other than that, same blue eyes and figure. She truly was my mom's daughter. Me, I was the odd one."

"Now why do you say that?" he frowned, "You're beautiful too, and with jade eyes!"

I smiled, "Both my parents have blue eyes and so did Olivia. I got my green eyes from my grandmother, but that's all I got. I look nothing like them, much less act like them," I paused, sighing, "Olivia had the aspiration to be a lawyer. She wanted to be one, independent from my parents feelings. She had their support from the start. She was perfect, Doctor. She got good grades, did sports, knew how to talk to people and how to help-"

"You know how to do all that too," he pointed, "You're intelligent, you've beat me at several sports-"

"Yeah but you suck at them anyways," I cut him off.

"Oi!" he pouted, "I'm not that bad."

"Let's not go into that," I patted his arm.

He sighed, still sounding annoyed but let it go, "Anyways, Olivia?"

"Oh, are we talking about her now?" Martha walked over, "Mind if I join?"

"Please," the Doctor gestured for her to move beside me, "Minerva's belittling herself and it's quite frustrating."

"I'm not be-"

"Shush it," he pointed again, "Martha?"

"Stop belittling yourself," she sighed.

"I lived in the shadow of my sister," I explained, "And it wasn't her fault, she never gloated about it. She tried to help me, actually. She thought I should give the whole lawyer thing a chance, thinking it'd be good for me and my parent's relationship. She was a good sister. And even when I was little, and my parents didn't take her away from me, she'd play dolls with me. She'd tell me not to be afraid of the monsters under my bed, she'd tell them to go away," I chuckled, "She once yelled at my closet for five minutes because I told her a monster had come out and said he was gonna eat me. Before we grew up, Liv and I did share some kind of bond."

"So then how could you think she'd blame you for her death?" the Doctor asked.

"The day Liv died is not a day I like to remember," I sighed, wishing so hard I could forget it. But after many years of the accident, I found it impossible. "She took me out for lunch, our parents locked up in their office for work. We went by our favorite place, both pasta lovers. She's actually the one that got me into pasta," I chuckled lightly, soon finishing when I spoke of what happened next, "She started up with the whole lawyer thing. She insisted that I should try it because I was still young and indecisive. But I knew it wasn't a tantrum. I didn't want to be a lawyer. To this day, I still don't want to be one. The simple thought of it makes me cringe. I started getting frustrated when she told me that this was the reason my parents and I couldn't get along; that it was because of me and my snappy attitude. But then I lashed out..." the yells of that day started replaying in my head, "...I flat out told her it was because of her that my parents didn't love me. It was because of her that they never spent time with me. It was her fault...and it wasn't. I yelled at her because I was jealous. I was jealous that mom loved her and gave her all the time she needed while I was lucky to get a goodnight kiss. Olivia denied it, but I think she knew I was right, deep down. There was a look in her eyes... I think she knew it, but she didn't want to admit that she was the preferred daughter. It wasn't her fault, I know that now. I was just so tired of being ignored that the argument made me blurt everything and it got her dead. She got angry and told me to get home on my own. She just left after that and it only took me five minutes afterwards to realize how unfair I was to her, how sorry I was. I planned on apologizing as soon as she came home. I was going to, I swear, I..." and my voice broke, fresh tears preparing to stroll down, "...but she never came home."

"We're sorry," the Doctor said.

"I was waiting at home when my mom called. She told me Olivia got in a car accident and a man brought her into the hospital. It was because of that stranger that she even lasted a little longer. My mom was so upset, she was crying and asking what had happened. Why wasn't I with her? And then I told her..."

"And what she say?" Martha asked softly, half guessing it wasn't very nice.

"She said it was my fault. If I knew how to control myself Olivia would still be alive..." I sighed, "...I made her lose her daughter."

"But she still had you, her other daughter, and she should have been there for you too," the Doctor said.

"There was so much blame, so many words said from her...sometimes it makes me think that I'm not even related to her because her hatred is just so much, so bad...how does a mother hate their child?"

"But she can't hate you!" Martha exclaimed, shaking her head in exasperation, "No mother is capable of that!"

"But mine is. There's this look in her eyes, one that makes me think that if she could, she'd have me locked up for the rest of my life."

"But we're never letting that happen," the Doctor declared, "Ever."

"She's called, you know," I gritted my teeth, angry at all those times, "My father kind of just, washed out on the whole fathering thing. He's never called, but my Mom...she called a couple of times when I was with Uncle Aaron. I took them because I thought she'd tell me I was forgiven but it wasn't, it was never like that. She just kept yelling and yelling and ordering me to come home so she could make sure I wouldn't hurt anyone else, that I wouldn't take anyone else's children from them. After that, I stopped...and I grew angrier and angrier; angry that she wouldn't forgive me and angry because it was my fault. She stopped calling for years, up until Christmas time, last year," I glanced at the Doctor, "I don't know how she did that but she contacted Jackie. She had this whole 'nice' act, but it didn't last long. I don't know what that was...but I haven't heard from her since."

"And your grandmother?" he asked, knowing she was a different story.

"She's always called," I sighed, smiling sadly, "My grandma is so sweet like that. But I can't bring myself to take her calls. Ever. I'm not ready yet, I don't have much to prove I've done good. Plus, I'm afraid my mom got to her and she blames me for Liv's death."

"Minerva, she chose to drive off," Martha reminded, "That's not your fault."

"But I can't tell her how sorry I am now, how much I regret telling her all that. I don't hate her, I do love her, and it's not her fault our parents chose her."

"That's what you told her?"

"I yelled at her so much, I think the whole thirteen years of isolation and reprimands of my parents was unleashed."

"Well, she knows that now," the Doctor said, "Olivia knows that her sister is sorry for what was said and she most definitely forgives you and knows, for the dozen time, that it was not your fault for her death."

"C'mon," I shook my head and we walked off, the pause button activated.

~0~

"Martha, why do you care so much about me?" I asked suddenly, stopping our walk we had taken after lunch.

We started talking about small things, nothing important but everything had gone quiet. And then I started to wonder this exact question, and I got curious to know.

I could understand the Doctor since this was the whole point of traveling together; to get to know each other, but Martha? I knew her so little before the hospital, only touching bases on our families, friends and occupations. She'd taken such an interest in me, like a friend would, but too fast. I've had little friends in the past back at home but even those took several months to develop into an actual friendship. Yet with Martha, everything was happening so fast. One moment, the woman doesn't even know I'm a time traveler and the next she knows about my sister's tragic ending and my mother's cruel blame...and she was so calm about it. After the Doctor and I returned from New New York, I sat Martha down, with the encouragement of the Doctor, and repeated my story to her. And it wasn't even the Doctor's encouragement that made me tell her, I wanted to tell her.

"Because I'm your friend," Martha answered like it was an obvious thing, "I mean, at least I hope you consider me as your friend," she chuckled nervously, "Because then that would be awkward."

"I do see you as a friend," I nodded, "I see you almost like a best friend even, though it's a bit fast I know."

"Hey, it's like they say, you can fall in love with someone in one day. Same thing goes for friendships. You could meet someone early in the day and by night, you're practically best friends."

"Yeah, I suppose that makes sense," I thought back to Mickey and considered how fast we became best friends as well, "I'm lucky to meet people like you," I hugged her out of the no where, "I meet Mickey, Jackie, the Doctor, you, and you all make me so much better," I sighed, "Thank you."

"Hey, no problem," she chuckled, pulling away, "I'm glad we're becoming good friends."

"Me too," I admitted, "I've never really had a woman for a friend, a real friend."

"What about Rose?" she raised an eyebrow, a bit confused.

Well...the blonde had been...sort of one...for a short time...right?

"Minerva?"

"Uh, sorry Martha but that's another story for another day," I smiled a bit, "But just know you're something different Martha Jones, much different than Rose Tyler, and I am so glad we took you on-board."

"No complaints from me there," she raised her hands, making us both laugh.

"But seriously, thank you."

"For what?"

"Listening, for listening to every bit of information I've said all day," I shrugged, "I know it's a lot, and boring."

"Boring is the last word on my mind," she did a look that said just how screwed up my life really was.

"Well, just, thank you, you know. I know when the Doctor offered to bring you along for trips, you expected the fun, the excitement of them. You had no obligation to hear me out or anything."

"But I wanted to, I still do in case you wanna keep sharing," she smiled, "Listening to your story made me think about my own family. We're not the, um...picture-perfect family as you may have noticed," she shook her head, me recalling the yells of the blonde, now identified Martha's father's girlfriend, "But we do have a special bond. We're there when we need each other. I have my brother and sister and..." she looked at me, sadness pouring from her eyes.

"I don't have that," I finished what she couldn't, "It's okay to say it, Martha. I'm realistic."

"I just find it incredible what your mother has done to you. I find your whole life incredible. Most importantly, I find it incredible how strong you are even after all of that."

'Strong?" I repeated, waiting for her to reconsider her choice of words, "I'm not so sure 'stro-"

"You are, and you need to see it. The easier path is to break and let it consume you, but you don't. I know you have times where you fell like it will consume you but you don't let it. You keep yourself on check on your own and that's incredible. I think you're the strongest woman I've ever met, and I truly hope you remain like that."

"Oh Martha, you're so sweet," I smiled.

"I mean it. You're strong and I know that you'll get better. You'll see that Liv's death wasn't your fault, and you won't let your mother's words affect you anymore. You'll look back and see how wrong she is, and how innocent you are. One day, your mother will ask you to forgive her. Sophia didn't lose a daughter that day, she lost two. She cast you off your whole life and the one day she really needed you, she completely lost you too."

"Would it be crazy and wrong to say I would forgive her in a heartbeat?" I asked sheepishly, knowing with 100% assurance that I would forgive my mother.

"Not at all," she shook her head, "Because she's your mother; of course you'd forgive her."

"Sadly, I don't think that day will ever come."

"Well, in the meantime she comes to her senses," she linked arms with me, "You're not alone in this. You've got me and the Doctor and we will not allow you to carry this guilt anymore."

"My ridiculous, banana-loving alien and humany doctor best friend."

"Interesting chronological order you have there," she pointed, eyeing me with a smirk for some reason, "And...humany?"

"Oh, sorry, the Doctor says that sometimes, guess it kinda stuck."

"Oh, there's a surprise," she chuckled, "You two are so, 'aah'!"

"'Aah'?" I tilted my head, "What exactly does that mean?"

"Weeeell," she swayed her head, "It's-"

"Martha, it seems you bothered the workers so much for your horses that they've finally agreed to let us ride them earlier than planned," the Doctor walked towards us.

"Another time," she winked at me, leaving me even more perplexed, "Did I hear we're riding horses?" she asked the Martian once he was close enough.

"Yes, they're getting him for us," he nodded.

"Great! Because I want that one!" she let go of me and ran a little of to the side, pointing at a tanned horse, "See it?"

We glanced to her direction and saw the horse she was pointing at, drinking some water at the moment.

"I want that one," she reiterated, very serious.

The Doctor rolled his eyes then taking a lavender flower from his back, "And I happened to pick this out for you, it's a crocus."

"It's very pretty," I took it from him, touching its soft petals and looked up at him, "Thank you."

"It's the flower for happiness," he cleared his throat, his eyes seeming to struggle to stay on my level.

"Oh, that's nice to know," I turned the flower over.

"Because, you know, I want you to be happy. I intend to see you happy..."

Martha cleared her throat as she walked over to us, whispering as she moved behind me, "That's what 'aah' means," she patted my shoulder and walked off, chuckling to herself.

I raised an eyebrow, still misunderstanding but finding a very warm blush on my face.

~0~

"Whaddya say, Minerva? Wanna ride one?" Martha eyed me with a smirk, rounding a horse.

"No, but I know you do," I put my hands together, not wanting any of those animals licking me or whatever they did.

"You're not actually scared are you?"

"I'm afraid of horses, yeah..." I looked after one that trotted past us.

"Oh c'mon! The smartest woman I know, the one who's helped save the world is afraid of...horses?"

"Seriously?" the Doctor walked over, a man besides him.

"Yes," I confessed sheepishly.

"That's something I didn't know," he smirked.

"I assure you ma'am, these horses are quite calm and very tamed," the man said.

"Oh, this is Benson," the Doctor gestured to the older man, "He's going to help us ride these horses."

"You mean you two," I pointed to him and Martha who had moved beside me, "Because I won't be riding them."

"Oh c'mon," Martha tugged on my arm, "My dad taught me and it was the most incredible experience ever! We grew up in the city, c'mon, being on a horse in the open is so different from what we're used to."

"The land is very safe," Benson added, gesturing the forest behind the guinguette.

"We'll do it!" Martha quickly volunteered us, "All three of us, now show me horse Benson!"

The man smiled and nodded, walking off to a nearby horse that was tied up and brought it over, chuckling at how I backed away as they grew closer, "She's calm, ma'am, I assure you with my life."

"What's her name?" Martha moved to the tanned-colored horse, petting its mane.

"Alicia."

"Hello Alicia," Martha cooed, "Aren't you the prettiest horse out here?"

"Her name's Jessica," the Doctor suddenly said, making us all look at him, "What? I speak horse."

"Her name's Jessica?" Martha raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, and she's not the prettiest, she says the most beautiful horse here."

"Quite conceited then," I said, receiving a neigh from the horse.

"Jessica says it's not conceited if it's true."

Martha laughed, Benson just looking at us like we were crazy, "Alright then, I want a calm and excited ride, Jessica," Martha patted the horse again, "Benson?"

"Right away ma'am," he nodded and started readying up the horse.

"I'm not riding them," I whispered to the Doctor, "Not in this world."

"It's not that bad," he shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"They're bad, they're all bad," I looked from one horse to another.

"Now don't be rude. I happen to know that, that horse over there-" he nodded to a grey horse that was drinking water, "-seems to like the pretty girl in the blue dress wearing a purple flower on her head."

"He did not say that!" My hand instinctively raised to the crocus I wore on my hair, I hadn't wanted to lose it so I stuck it in the one place I wouldn't forget it, my head!

"He did," he chuckled, "And he's making his way over right now."

"You realize you sound so ridiculous right now," remarked Martha.

"It's what the horse is saying," he gestured to the horse that was indeed making its way over to us.

"Ma'am?" Benson called, Martha turning, "Alicia's ready."

And the horse neighed.

"Jessica," the Doctor reminded.

"Don't listen to him," Martha waved the Martian off and got on the horse with the help of Benson, "Woah," she took hold of the reigns, "I like it," she grinned.

"Horse is nearing," the Doctor coughed.

I only a had a chance to glance to the left when there was loud neigh sound and a big, gray muzzle greeted my face, "AAH!" I yelped and jumped back, bumping into the Doctor that was in a fit of laughter.

"Minerva, he likes you," Martha smiled, the horse coming closer to me, "Take a ride."

"N-n-no thanks," I shook my head, wanting to step back but the Doctor had stuck himself behind me and forced me to stay still, "I like ground, ground is nice, ground is not dangerous."

"His name is Marcel," Benson walked over, holding back the horse by its reins it already worse, "And I'd have to agree with Mr. Smith, he does seem to like you."

"Problem is I'm afraid," I tried leaning back when the horse forcefully took a step forwards, "Very, very afraid. Plus, I don't even know how to ride a horse. One of the things I've yet to do."

"So get on it," Martha exclaimed, "It'll help you distract yourself. We've done a lot of talking, you deserve some fun."

"And I will have fun, waiting for you here," I pointed to the ground, "On the ground."

"Marcel is tamed, good mannered, and very obedient," Benson said, petting the horse, "And if he's taken a liken to you, then he will most definitely take care of you."

"I...I can't," I shook my head and hands, wanting to be as far away as possible from the horse.

"Minerva, the sun is going to be setting and I want to take a ride, pleeease?" she clapped her hands together, my eyes widening at how careless she was. She could fall!

"Martha please take hold of the reigns!" I exclaimed, so fearful at the moment, "Please!"

"Sure," she shrugged, calmly re-holding the reigns, "So will you come?"

"I...I guess," I sighed. She, once again, let go of the reigns and clapped excitedly. I smiled softly, liking how happy she looked. I suppose she and the Doctor did deserve some time of fun after the stories I'd let out on them, "But I don't know how to ride one," I frowned as Benson started to prepare the horse as well, "Can it go like...really slow?"

Benson chuckled, "It's quite easy to maneuver them."

"Says the man who works with them all day..." I looked at the horse, my heart beating faster as I thought of the many ways I could fall and hurt myself.

"Oh don't be so scared," the Doctor walked me up to the horse, "It likes you very much. Though he says your dress looks like water."

"He's not gonna try and eat me, is he?" I mumbled, getting back a laugh from the three, "I am very serious."

"She's quite the amusing one," Benson remarked, stepping away from the horse.

"Up you go," the Doctor moving the horse closer to us.

"Martha, how mad would you be if I said I changed my mind?" my eyes widened as I took in the actual size of this horse.

"I'd be very discontent," she shrugged.

I sighed, "Marcel...don't eat me." And the hose neighed as if he was really responding to me...and he was.

"He promises he won't," the Doctor translated.

"Or drop me?"

The horse neighed, sounding odd.

"He says you offend him," the Doctor said.

"Sorry," I made a face, resigned to having to climb up this monstrosity.

"Ready?"

"...no."

"Up you go!" he exclaimed, helping me up and swing a leg over the horse, "Now hold on."

"No!" I leaned forwards, gripping the reigns, "I change my mind! I change my mind! I don't want to ride this anymore!"

"Minerva, you're not even moving," Martha moved her horse in front of mine, "And he won't drop you."

"I don't care! I don't want to do this anymore!"

"All that time with your uncle and not once did you ride a horse?" the Doctor raised an eyebrow, acting as if I wasn't crying for help.

"No! He tried to but...I always said no!"

"And look where that's got you now?"

"Help me, Martian! Help me! Get me down right now!" I shouted, shutting my eyes.

Marcel neighed and even moved a little, scaring me even more.

"Yes, yes, but she's not over-dramatic; she's had a tough day," the Doctor spoke to the horse.

"Get me down!"

"The sun is setting!" Martha complained, "Minerva, please?"

"I'm so sorry Martha," I shook my head, "But I can't. You go ahead, though."

"Alright, I've had enough," the Doctor sighed.

"Sir, what are you-"

"Marcel and I have a point to prove," the Martian said before I felt the horse move again and an arm wrap around my waist, "Minerva, I'm going to need you to open your eyes."

I opened only one eye and saw his hand holding the reigns while the other held me, "Please tell me you're not..."

"...gonna ride the horse and prove you're wrong about being dropped?" he grinned, "Why yes, yes I am."

"Finally!" Martha exclaimed, "I'll race you!" she laughed and commanded her horse to, running off before us.

"Don't you dare," I warned but he only laughed and made the horse spring after our friend, "Get me down!" I shouted.

Martha laughed and came to an abrupt stop, her horse even tipping her back just a bit that made my heart beat at light speed thinking she'd fall back like the movies, "Let's not torture the poor girl," she turned around.

"Someone get me down from here," I was completely froze in place, breathing heavily.

"It's not that bad is it?" the Doctor asked, chuckling for some reason.

"Let's see, I could potentially die from an abrupt stop, the horse could eat me, or worse, one of you could fall and die!"

"And you think we'd let that happen?" Martha raised an eyebrow.

"The whole point of this is to talk and have some well-deserved fun," the Doctor reminded, 'And that does not include dying."

"Did your uncle die riding a horse?" Martha moved her horse besides us.

"Well, no..."

"Then why would we? We both know how to ride horses," she laughed as her horse neighed, "And the horses like us! Everything is going to be fine."

And the Doctor made Marcel start moving again, slowly for my sake, while Martha moved at the same pace next to us, "Where were you when your uncle rode the horses?" the Doctor asked, probably seeing I was still slightly frozen from fear.

"Um...Ohio," I made sure to look ahead in case either of them missed a rock or something that'd make us fall, "...there was a horse stable and his friends were the owners."

"What were you doing there?" Martha joined in on the distraction.

"He wanted to cheer me up...it was right after I emancipated myself. We went to Ohio for these competitions for the horse-riders and we happened to have a chance to ride them."

"And you didn't?"

"Does it look like I'm having fun?"

She laughed, "You should be!"

"How'd you even learn?" the Doctor asked out of his curiosity.

"Surprised I know something you do too?" she teased, raising an eyebrow.

He shook his head, "Ha, ha, no, I just want to know."

"It was a family vacation," she shrugged, "Tish was a scary cat and Leo wanted a race...so I gave him one...and won!"

"And you didn't fall?" I glanced at her, hoping the Doctor would keep a look ahead because I certainly didn't want to fall.

"No! We didn't have the race right at the first moment, we practiced and then..." she swayed her head, "...we had a race when our parents weren't looking."

"And you didn't fall?"

"No, we didn't fall!"

"Do you have that little faith in Marcel and I?" the Doctor frowned.

"Well Doctor, let's face it, your piloting skills aren't very um," I cleared my throat, "...good."

"You're a bit rude when you're scared, you know that?"

Martha scoffed, "You call it rude, we call it the truth."

"You know what, maybe I should get down and leave Minerva to ride the horse on her own," and he stopped the horse and started doing just that.

"N-n-n-no! I take it back!" I forced his hand on the reign to remain there, "You're a wonderful pilot and always right and please don't let go!"

"Wooooow," Martha smirked, "The necessity is big isn't it?"

"I can't help my fears," I shut my eyes, "Doctor?"

"I'm not going anywhere," he said like it was obvious, wiggling one his hands out from underneath mine to hold the reigns properly and wrapping his other arm around my waist again, "You're very gullible when you're afraid."

"You're not leaving?"

"No!"

"And now that that's settled," Martha cleared her throat and moved a little ahead of us, "How's about a little race? I heard there's a little lake at the center of the forest.

"Noooo!" I shook my head.

"That's a challenge I like!" the Doctor exclaimed happily.

"NO!" I shouted, looking up at him so he could see my determination to not have this race, "Unless you let me down from here, there will be no race!"

"Winner gets to choose the next place we go to?" he grinned.

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Winner gets to-"

"No! No, no, no, no," I shook my head, "N-"

"On your marks..." Martha suddenly said, smirking when I looked at her, "...get set..." the Doctor took hold of the reign with his free hand, all set.

"Martha," I gritted my teeth, "Don't you d-"

"GO!"

Next thing I knew, we ran like the wind and I screamed at the top of my lungs, terrified for my dear life and my friends.

"Minerva, quit your yelling and look at how beautiful this place is!" the Doctor ordered, even laughing a little.

I cracked open an eye, seeing Martha getting ahead. I opened both eyes as we closed in on the trees of the forest. I blinked, beginning to smile, the sun shining its orange tinge as it set down. It was actually...pretty beautiful.

"How's it look?" the Doctor asked, stopping the horse from its running to only frolic around.

"...very pretty," I whispered.

"Not afraid anymore?"

"...no."

And Marcel neighed, the Doctor chuckling, "Yes, I told you she would."

"What?" I glanced up at him.

"He said you should've known you would've liked it. He's a very good horse."

"And a big and scary one," I added, the horse neighing in response.

"He resents that."

"But a very talkative horse too," I started to smile.

"Oh yes, he is," the Doctor nodded, Marcel neighing again.

"I take he wasn't happy with that remark?"

"Not one bit."

"Martha's winning," I reminded, the woman getting deeper in the trees.

Marcel neighed.

"Yes, Marcel doesn't do races apparently. Also, he doesn't like hearing you scream."

"Sorry Marcel," I actually petted him, "It must be nice being able to speak to animals," I said, seeing him pull on the reigns, Marcel frolicking a little more strongly, but actually not that scary.

"It comes in handy," the Doctor shrugged.

"It must be nice doing everything you do, huh?"

"What are you getting at?" now he looked down at me with a curious expression.

I ignored his closeness and looked ahead, suddenly wanting to answer what I had ignored earlier, "I don't know what I want to become."

"Hm?"

"You asked me what I wanted to be. If I don't want to be a lawyer, or a photographer, what do I want to be?" I looked around, now entering through the trees, finding an immense beauty and the rest of the surroundings, "The answer is: I don't know."

"What about your drawings? You're really good at them. Have you ever considered maybe painting?"

"Would you take me back to Da Vinci?"

He scoffed, "Right after I visit Elizabeth I."

I smiled, "I love to draw, and maybe I would like painting but...I don't know. I love helping people too... I-I just love learning a little bit of everything, you know. I can't really see myself locked in one career," I sighed, "I wanna try everything. Perhaps that was what my mother disliked, dislikes to this day, the most about me, I'm more liberal. I want to go out and do stuff, and she wants me locked up in an office and that's something I can't see myself doing," I sighed again, a deeper sigh, more contemplative, "You know what I wish? I wish humans could have a bigger lifespan so that I could try everything, anything. But I know there isn't time...I just wish I could live a little longer, so I could see what's out there, what my world has to offer...to a human like me. What do you think?" I glanced up at him, seeing a soft smile on his face.

"I think...I think a human likes you deserves that," he mumbled, his smile growing.

"Think so?"

"I do, I very much do."

I swallowed hard for some reason, looking at him for a moment until I felt a blush and looked ahead, "Thanks..."

We moved along again and in silence. Martha's horse barely made a sound now that we had slowed down even more. But it gave me a chance to look around. I really loved this environment, it was so brightly green with the enhancement of the sun shining over the trees. It made me wonder what other planets looked like...and it made me wonder...

"Doctor, what did your planet look like?"

"You wanna know?" he didn't sound too happy about it for some reason.

"Yeah, you know, looking around here," I gestured to the scenery, "It makes me wonder what yours was like. Can I know?"

"Well, for started, we had two suns," he said, pausing I gasped.

"Seriously, two?"

"Mhm, one would rise in the south, and it would make all the mountains shine like you wouldn't believe it."

"Two suns," I repeated, fascinated by that detail, "I bet the sunsets were really beautiful, weren't they?"

"Yeah, the whole sky was a burnt orange..."

"Like a sunset all day? A twilight all day..." I smiled, "And what else?" I sounded like a child but I was so curious!

"Well, in the mornings, the suns would shine and the trees that were silver would catch its light and the forest looked like it was on fire. It was truly beautiful."

"Very," I whispered, "And?"

He chuckled, "Our citadel was enclosed with a mighty glass dome and our suns shined brilliantly above us. But what really got me was the mountains, oh those mountains."

"What about them?"

"They're deep red, Minerva, and the're capped with snow. It was an endless sight..."

I looked at him, realizing this must not be an easy topic for him, and here I am burdening with my questions, "I'm sorry."

But he just smiled, "I wish I could show you. You'd be enthralled..."

"I already am," I corrected, "It sounds wonderful. Especially the snow caps, I love snow."

"I wished it could've stayed like that, but then war started and I had to..." and he paused, making me look up and see him staring ahead, quickly filling with pain at the memory.

"It's okay, Doctor, you don't have to continue," I said softly, regretting my decision to ask him about his home.

All day his sole purpose was to make me happy and what's the first thing I do? Remind him of a terrible, painful memory. Yeah, good going Minerva.

"I do. You told me how your sister died, even when it's not your fault, and you deserve to know why I killed them all, why I killed my own people."

"You don't," I assured, "You're not ready-"

He stopped Marcel suddenly, Martha's trotting disappearing completely, "I had a friend before the war started, she loved hearing about Gallifrey. I told her one day I'd find a way to bring her there...but I never did," his eyes fell down for a moment, a clear struggle to say his next words apparent on his face, "She died because of us. She and her whole planet died because of what my people did. I was going to save her, I was going to take her somewhere safe, somewhere she could survive...but I was too late. I let her get killed. She was innocent," he shook his head, "Her whole species were just innocent bystanders," and then he started speaking with so much anger, such that it startled me how much he changed in a matter of seconds, "When I found out she died at the hands of the Time Lords, I knew it was time to stop. I'm against violence, and you know it," he looked at me and I quickly nodded, "But I couldn't let it continue. Kaeya died because I delayed making that decision. If I would've done something just a bit earlier, then maybe she'd be alive today."

"You feel guilty," I whispered, completely understanding his pain and loss for a moment.

"How could I not? She used to admire us, she had such admiration for me...and I let her down. When she died, it was like an alarm went off in my head: you have to stop this. Because if I didn't, others like her would go down and I would not allow it."

"So you ended it, you ended it to save the innocent," I bit my lip, not even able to imagine him killing all those people, but never judging what he had to do for the sake of others.

"I killed them and this is my punishment, remembering all of those I killed and knowing that my friend died because I didn't save her."

"Have you mourned her?" I asked curiously, thinking it could perhaps help as it did manage to help me last week, even in a small way, "You know, kinda get closure and say goodbye."

"I wish I could, but I don't even know where she is; her body was never found. And I searched, I searched the whole damn planet and she wasn't there. I don't know where she ended up...where she's spending eternity in. I just hope wherever she is, she was able to forgive me."

I hated, I hated seeing him like this. His guilt mixed in with his grief and an extra layer of anger. It was the same I carried, and I understood him. For once, I could understand the 903 year old Time Lord because for a split moment, we both lost someone we cared about...and we felt responsible for it.

"We're not so different in the end," I sighed, placing my hand over his on the reigns, "But perhaps we can help each other. You've helped me enough, now let me help you. I can listen, be there when you need me to. We can talk."

"Oh Minerva," he sighed, moving us again, "This is help enough. I love this. Being here, with my sassy human, helping her, on a horse, in a beautiful forest, and just...moving along. This is what I need, moments like these."

"Well, there's no complaints from me," I shrugged, getting him to chuckle, "Hey, you're laughing, that's good. Now I know how that feels, making other people laugh."

"You're good at it too," he mumbled, pulling on the reign again and moving Marcel, his other arm around my waist tightening when I yelped at a sudden hop over a rock, "I won't drop you," he mumbled.

I smiled sheepishly, another blush starting up again. Holding me closer meant I was even closer to him. If I concentrated, I could probably feel the rhythm of his two hears behind my back.

"You know, I don't even think we're trying to race," Martha called, appearing between two trees across us, "I could have easily done two rounds and still win. Is there something I'm missing out on?" she smirked, eyeing us.

"You win," the Doctor waved her off.

"I was thinking that on the way back we could teach Minerva how to actually ride a horse," she suggested, "On her own."

"Then maybe I could drop him off," I pointed back to the Doctor, Marcel neighing right after.

"Oh, that's unity," the Doctor frowned, "Thanks Marcel."

"What he say?" Martha asked.

"He's on Minerva's side!" he exclaimed, indignantly, "I can't believe you'd trade me in for a girl."

And the horse neighed again.

"Wouldn't you?" I glanced at him curiously.

He had this serious look that would be sure to tell me how wrong I was but then it sort of, softened? "...I suppose, if it's you, then..." And he looked away afterwards.

I pondered on his words until I found Martha smirking again, interrupting my thoughts.

What the hell is she smirking about? I wondered.

"So Minerva," she called, "How are you feeling?" her smirk faded into a smile.

I a real and genuine smile as I looked between her and the Doctor. "I think I'm fine. Maybe not the miraculous recovery you want, but I think I'll get there one day. But for the moment, I actually feel quite...fine," My smile grew as my gaze remained on the Doctor. He eventually met my eyes and smiled back.

[amorrdemiel]

I am ready for cherry pie.

I was trying to write this in my journal, but sometimes the feelings want to come out faster than my little hand can scribble so I came here to frantically type it all out. 

I asked God to walk deeper into the Garden of Life. Earlier this summer, I knew I had found Heaven, I felt myself forgiven, I felt everyone forgiven, I felt us all to be love. But what I thought was living in Heaven was actually just the entrance, and I comfortably pulled up a chair to gaze lovingly at its doors lol, and I realized I could actually walk within.  But I was afraid. I asked God for the courage and the clarity to walk deeper into the joy of life. And I heard her joy calling me, a song just for me.  I heard her calling me to music, to sit at my piano keys and play. I heard her calling me through day dreams of traveling in a camper van of my own, of watcher her Holy sunrises at different oceans, to gaze at her freckle stars in the night, in deserts I had never crossed before. I heard her call upon the wind of peace, of sleep. I saw her show how gentle life truly was, how it was willing and wanting to caress me, to be caressed.  BUT I still felt fear, and even worse a strange itch overcame me to purposely look for terrible things, things I don’t even want to look at on a regular basis. Wanting to purposely look at murders, at violence, at suffering. And I didn’t understand why. I knew better than to succumb to the itch to seek these things out, I knew it wouldn’t give me wisdom and I felt something strange about the itch. After a really good tarot reading from my sister, she helped me clarify that weird itch to find things horrific.  Joy requires vulnerability, she said. And it is difficult to be vulnerable when you lack trust in life, down to a bone psychological level.  She helped remind me of how when I broke my arm in the summer before third grade, it was a traumatic experience for me that changed the psychology of me forever. I didn’t know this until this week, but apparently because I was a child, they couldn’t give me anesthesia and the two options for my very large break in my arm, was either preform surgery on me while I was very much lucid and awake or rearrange my bones back into place blindly so they wouldn’t have to make a cut on me. Somehow, the best bone doctor in Texas at the time just so happened to be at the hospital in El Paso and he chose to blindly rearrange my bones back into place. and he told my mom and my dad to watch the pain I was about to go through because it would change me forever. My sister stayed too because she is brave and loving and wanted to be there for me, even though she too was just a child. They always tell me about how traumatic it was for them to see me screaming in pain as he was rearranging my broken bones, and I remember just searing pain lmao I just remember it being hours of pain, as they made me twist my arms for X-Rays, and when they kept twisting my arm to put my bones back into place. Truly painful lmao  BUT point of the story is, I used to be a very active child before that, I was always running, playing music, I was always smiling and happily in my garden, I was a straight-A student in GT. And after that I wasn’t, and all the details to me don’t matter any more. (EVEN THO, I felt a little upset that my mom remembered how the doctor told her that I would be changed forever and my parents STILL screamed at me for hours when I stopped getting straight A’s, and couldn’t focus anymore. if the doctor told you I was changed forever, how come you still screamed at me for hours because I got a C? how come you literally told me: When you broke your arm, something got damaged in your brain, you must have hit your head and scrambled something, so try really hard to think what happened and change it, just change it. Go back to how you were. IDK I FEEL LIKE THAT KINDA CONTRIBUTED TO ME CUTTING AND HITTING MYSELF OUT OF FRUSTRATION, WOULDN’T YOU THINK? Like my sister summarized it the best, which was that they were holding me accountable, a child, for understanding the trauma I went through and working through it just so I could get the grades they wanted me to get. -___- BUT WHATEVER I AM LEARNING TO FORGIVE THEM FOR WHAT THEY COULDN”T UNDERSTAND THEN.) The beautiful thing I rather focus on, is after reminding me of this, my mom and my sister both cried and hugged me for a good solid ten minutes and kissed me, and told me that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore, that life isn’t what I feared it to be anymore, and that I am free and can be vulnerable to joy, and that is truly what I rather focus on than the past parents that didn’t know how to cope with what I had gone through.  My sister also reminded me of how I conveniently forgot how earlier this year I went to see a physical therapist finally for my knee which hurt me a lot and made me feel like I couldn't go hiking or any of the adventurous things I wanted to do bc it hurt too much and he straight up told me that it was all PSYCHOLOGICAL. Which was super wild for me to hear, because I think he’s right! lmao.  It reminds me of when I was a child, and I used to run out in my little garden in the sun all the time, and how sometimes I was suddenly forced to stop because I couldn’t move without feeling a lot of pain, and I would look down at my feet and I saw how all those thorned stickers were on my laces, my socks, my shoes and it hurt too much to move so I was just stuck. (Which makes me feel happy about that dream I once had where a large field beckoned me and I began running in its vastness barefoot, and I remember looking down and seeing a bunch of those thorned stickers and somehow missing every single one, and feeling so free.)  Anyhow, I resolved to allow myself to be vulnerable to go into joy, and that even with this psychological, bone deep memory of trauma happening when I move.  The day before yesterday, my sister made it aware to me that our betta Artemis has fin rot (mild) and I felt so in pain because of it. One thing I could never stand was seeing the people (or animals) I love in pain, and I’ve never acted on this impulse, but the first impulse I have when my sister tells me about a traumatic experience she’s had or I see my animals hurt is to say “NO! That’s NOT how you feel, this isn’t real.” BUt it’s so irrational to me, to say this, that I never act on it but I do have to convince myself by becoming more objective to handle the pain of seeing them in pain.  But I guess I have allowed myself to feel more vulnerable and more sensitive to life (I used to allow myself to be sensitive when I was a toddler but I was just so overwhelmed and my parents would yell at you if you cried so I just capped it.) But I’m letting myself be sensitive, so I did feel angry at my sister initially for telling me that Artemis had fin rot, and I felt very upset, but I let it be there and we researched how to heal it and took immediate action the next day and even though my sister was sensitive about it, and I was sensitive about it, we did a great job at getting everything we needed, staying calm and supportive of one another, and it just always surprises me how much me and my sister haven’t adopted the way my mom and dad do things which is screaming, and panicked and violent. (Well, we worked ourselves out of it through love and patience.)  But as we were driving to the pet store for the second time to get something else to help us out with Artemis’s tank, I told my sister about how allowing myself to feel the pain I felt at Artemis being sick, when I got home from the pet store this morning and went to say hello to my pug before getting started with my sister on deep cleaning his tank and getting salt in it to sterilize the wounds, I felt a much deeper and softer joy at hugging Qipsi and holding her in my arms and I realized that joy came from allowing myself to feel the pain of Artemis. That when I let myself feel the pain, it also let me feel the pull, the desire to tend to his tank, his little body and soul, his water much more diligently and the joy that arose in that, and it let me feel the pull and desire to tend to Qipsi more tenderly, and tend to myself more tenderly. And so pain, allowing the suffering allowed joy as well.  My sister told me about how she read or saw that when you allow yourself to feel the pain, you allow yourself to feel the pathway to the healing of it.  And that just shook me because I never looked at it like that. I always thought pain was useless, or was just to burn your ego, or just frustrating, but I see now how it led to more joy, it led to truer joy. How it led to truthful joy, and I never let it show me the healing. I was so afraid of pain, I never let it show me how to heal, I just hated how I was hurt to begin with. But if I could just focus my attention and the pathway to healing, and to feel the healing, the joy of it.  AND SO, here I stand, on the precipice of fate, on the road I am asking to help guide me to the purpose of my life, the highest good of my life, and I feel I understand what joy and pain truly are.  I asked God to lead me deeper into the garden of life, so that I may understand what I am here to provide, what of my highest good can I give back, and I was given clarity and courage. Clarity to understand the truth behind pain, the way it shines a path to the healing of you and me, to the healing of body and soul and courage to face the vulnerability that joy requires, that pain requires to open you to deeper joy, and so it goes.  I want to play and create and enjoy this sandbox of life. 

And I want cherry pie. 

[riverrinehammerofficial]

Personal rant time! TW - abuse

With my wedding coming up in close to 4 months, I wanted to rant a little bit. My father will not be walking me or have anything to do with it. Will he be attending? Yes...and I really hope it’s the last time I see him. I do have younger siblings who are very young and cannot come visit me without adult help. Hopefully I can stay in touch with them as my brother has a cellphone and my sister has me as a friend on the switch.

But, I’m frustrated. All my life, I was never good enough for him. Ever. I have tried and tried and tried ever since I was a little kid. I went to therapy over him (and my mom but that’s a different story). It’s always been nothing but abuse and broken promises...and I don’t know why I thought me getting married would be any different.

This is one thing I will not be forgiving him for fucking up. Did I forgive him for years of emotional abuse? I had. Did I forgive him for the physical abuse (towards me and the blows I took for my siblings when they were toddlers/babies?) yes. I know I shouldn’t have forgiven him...I just wanted to be loved. But I should have known that love was not a punch to the face, a slap so hard that before our Disney trip I had to double up on my makeup to cover up the hand print, begging him to take me to the doctor after we were in a car wreck because I hit my head pretty hard and I couldn’t move my arm, shaking me as a baby, or never telling me how proud he was of me. Some of his friends didn’t even know that I existed until I was almost a teenager.

My only father figure (my grandpa) passed 10 years ago and I thought maybe my dad would finally step up. Nope. Just more abuse...and then more neglect. The only time he contacts me is for holidays, my birthday, or every once in a while to talk about a movie, show, or band. My siblings are more important to him than I am and it’s always been that way.

When I told him I was getting married, it somehow got worse. So, I made the decision to still invite him but not give him any ‘fatherly duties.’ Two of my uncles will be walking me down the aisle and one of them will be dancing with me. Am I telling my father before hand? No. Why should I? If he has a problem with it, I don’t have a problem with him leaving.

I’ve spent more than 20 years dealing with his bullshit and I am finally done for good. If he wants to be a part of my life, it’s his turn to try.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #279

“she could kill you with a wink of her eye.”

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No, I don’t like coffee. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? I don’t currently have any dogs, but when I did, it was very rare and (almost) only if he wasn’t begging for it. The only exception was chicken nuggets; Teddy loved him some chicken nuggets, holy shit. That and peanut butter he would always get so excited about. What tricks does your pet do? Neither my cat nor obviously my snake know any tricks. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason’s fatass beagle. I wonder how she is a lot, she was a darling. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A What was the last thing that annoyed you? Probably my chronic boredom. :’) How would your parents react if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant)? Both would be extremely confused seeing as I’m not with a guy and absolutely do not want kids. Have you ever had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mom or dad? Nope. Are you afraid of frogs? No, they’re Good. How would you react if a complete stranger complimented you? It depends on the compliment and how it’s delivered. If you sound genuine and it’s not creepy, it’s honestly really flattering and sweet, though I get really shy. Who was the last person to make you cry? Myself, technically, thinking too much about he who I shouldn’t, y’know. Do you have Facebook? I do. How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? God, I don’t want to think about this. I’d be absolutely crushed. Do you eat applesauce? I don’t go out of my way to get some, but sure, I like applesauce. What was the last pill you took for? It was one of my mood stabilizers. Are you in the hospital a lot? No, thankfully. What is your dentist’s first name, if you know it? I have no clue. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? Yes. Does your mother have any sisters? One. Do you read poetry/make it? I don’t really read it anymore, but once in five blue moons I’ll write one if I’m really inspired. Have you ever had braces? Yes, for way too long because we couldn’t afford to take them off. I think it’s why one of my bottom front teeth is angled back a bit. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced and I live(d) with my mom. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? To Mom, yes. My sisters and I were going to visit Dad and it was just easier back then to make something else up. Are you afraid of lifts? Elevators? Yes. Not terribly, but I’m not a fan. Who did you last talk to in person? Is that person attractive? My “other mom” Tobey; she brought me some groceries while Mom’s away. She’s Mom’s age though so no, I’m not attracted to her. She’s like family. Have you ever had a deep, personal conversation with a stranger? I mean, isn’t that therapy at first? lmao Let’s talk about the person you had your first kiss with. Do you still talk to that person? If so, do you still like them? Would you kiss them again? No; no, I like his memory; I fucking hope not. How many times have you cried over the person you love/like? A couple times. When was the last time you wanted to cry, but didn’t, because you didn’t want to show that you were upset? Why? I’m really not sure. What are three things that are guaranteed to make you smile, or put you in a good mood? Going on a car ride with me in shotgun to blare my music; seeing Mark laugh oh my FUCKING god; and seeing meerkats being cute. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Nothing. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? My first teletherapy appointment. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Chicken of some sort is very, very common. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Ummm… good question. I know I have done this recently, I just can’t remember it… Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Jason is practically a staple. Mom is there a lot. And sure, doesn’t everyone? Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we’re basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? I think it’s possible, there really is some convincing evidence, but I lean more towards not believing it. What worries you most about your future? What the fuck I’m doing with my life. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Deep breathing. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom, and sure. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I’m not sure. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Give. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? OH MY GOD, SUDDEN MEMORY. There was this book we read in elementary school about this kid who made everything he touched turn to chocolate and it was fuckin wild. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? Oh, absolutely with someone. Y’all know I don’t enjoy TV that much anyway. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching the VOD on-and-off of a WoW streamer I like. Who taught you the most valuable lesson in life and what was that lesson? Jason. Don’t let anyone but yourself become your main source of happiness and worth. Have you got perfect vision? Hell no. I’ve got glasses for a good reason. What colour is the door to your house? White. Would you prefer a pet rat, mouse, snake, lizard or spider? Snake. <3 Are you a good liar (tell the truth this time)? Yes. Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire? Yeah, even though I hate barbecue itself. Do you think rainbows are pretty or overrated? Who the fuck thinks they’re “overrated”??? Rainbows are gorgeous. I think we can all agree on that. Are you more skeptical or gullible? Skeptical. How often do you drink sodas or fizzy drinks? LOLOL I DO NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? Considering I’m the polar opposite, no. Prefer being in control in a team environment, helping out, or taking orders? Help out. Do you like carrot cake? GIRL yes. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? Yes, because we have no greater right than them to be here. Hell, they’re probably more deserving with humanity’s selfishness. I’m aware as a meat eater there’s some hypocrisy here, buuut still in my heart I see them as just as valuable. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? She made an absolutely infuriating, false assumption of my mother. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? I’ve forgiven him. Forgetting’s a different story. What are you like during arguments? Regardless of the topic or severity, I will absolutely be fumbling over my words, stuttering, and find eye contact difficult. It’s definitely not rare that I’ll be crying. Where do you like to be kissed? WELL this depends on the mood y’know. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I dunno, both can be very hard. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? It’s petty and I’d rather not give it the time of day. But I still am kind of angry, though I shouldn’t be. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Why is this so oddly specific lol. But anyway, Mom, and that I love her. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? The one I trust the most. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them one hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or why not? No, because she was miserable. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Sara. Her friendship means a fucking lot to me. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? Yesterday to my mom. Are you old fashioned? HA, definitely not. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Oh my god yes. What’s your most irrational fear? There are plenty of them that I have. Whale sharks lmao. Musicals: yay or nay? I can’t help it, they’re always cheesy to me. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? No. When was the last time you were sunburnt? A few years ago when I went to the beach with Colleen and her fam. It was actually to the point of being sun poisoning. No words for how painful that shit was. How many times have you re-pierced a piercing yourself? Never have, never would. I’m trusting a professional with that. What’s your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. :’) How often do you pray? Never. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? I already have one but am getting it covered with something else eventually. It just doesn’t really apply to me. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually; I’m usually in my best mood in the morning. Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. Who was the last person to hold your hand? I don’t recall. What do you miss most about your ex? Define which ex. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yeah. Do you and your last ex hate each other? We’re best friends lmao. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Absolutely typing on the computer. I make typos while texting too much. Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? Probably. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yes If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? Nooooo no no. Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? I’ve heard small stories about past relationships. Do you know anyone that’s gotten an abortion before? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Who’s the last person that gave you roses? Tyler. Who’s the last guy you texted? My dad. What about the last girl? Sara. When was your first real relationship? From age 15 to 19-ish. Have you ever cried over an ex? I have PTSD stemming from one of them so guess lmao. Do you ever think about your ex and cry? ^ Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember one occasion at my sister’s stupid fucking ex. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Hm, not sure. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. “Your secret it safe with me” is something I’m hardcore about. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don’t think so, no. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what’s in it? No. Have you ever you shop lifted? No. What state (or country) do you live in? North Carolina. Are you listening to music right now? Yes; 3TEETH's cover of "Pumped Up Kicks." I have fallen in LOVE with them. What is your newest favorite website? I don’t think I’ve really had a “new” favorite website in like eons. Do you have embarrassing memories of stupid things you've done? You have no fucking idea. I still remember things that embarrassed me in pre-k. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs, I’m sure. What color Christmas tree do you want when you have a house someday? BLACK. BLACK WITH FAUX SNOW. How fucking gorgeous would that be??? Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No. Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? No. I only know the name of one. What was the last thing you cooked that you burnt or cooked for too long? I’m unsure. If you could have a car in any color, which color would you choose? ANY color? Pink. What was the last grocery store you shopped at? Walmart. What was the last type of milk you drank? 2%. Do you plan to vote in the next election? Yes. I believe silence speaks for the evil in situations like this, and I’m done doing that. Thooouuugh I gotta educate myself on the candidates… What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing. What is the last thing you charged? My laptop. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? I don’t know, been a long time. Do you like peas? NOOOOOOOOO. It’s funny, according to Mom, I loooved peas as a baby, but now I’m just like… can’t relate. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? No. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara and I are very similar. Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? Well Sara is many states away so like,,,, we can’t unless I wanna buy a plane ticket lmao. If it was Jason, I pretty much know I’d say yes like a fucking idiot. If it was Girt, it’d be a yeah, we haven’t hung out in forever. Do you have alcohol in your house? No. Have you or anyone you know been to rehab? I’m sure someone has. Have you ever swung on a tire swing? I think I have at least once. What’s a discontinued product you wish they still made? Damn, I know there are some, but they’re not coming to me. Have you ever been involved in Facebook drama? Yes. Actually told a motherfucker off a few days back that claimed there was “something wrong” with Breonna Taylor and her death was justifiable. I. Went. The fuck. Off. Then everyone joined in. :D Do you have anything against women who choose to be stay-at-home-mothers? No?????? The fuck?????????? Have you ever kissed someone with a beard? Not a lengthy one. What gaming consoles do you own? PS2, Wii, GameBoy Advance, Nintendo DS Lite, my laptop, and uhhh I think that’s it. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Well, mentally sick. Do you know any lesbian couples? Yes. Did your parents monitor your internet usage when you were a teen? Yes. Well, Mom did. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yes, the thing that communicates with my wireless mouse. What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None. Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? If so, why? I can’t describe how terrified I was the night of the breakup. It felt so unreal, and I was so certain my life was over. Then there was an occasion where my dad picked my sister and me up from school and he was in an AWFUL mood; he was speeding like a motherfucker and running red lights. I absolutely thought a we were going to get in a wreck or die. Then I have anxiety and have experienced panic attacks, so… guess lmao. Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? One of the most profound in my life is actually Rhett and Link as well as Hannah Hart. When I started watching GMM, I was actually still homophobic, but gradually I started to ship the fuck out of those angel boys despite it. I started questioning my viewpoint, and finally, on their podcast where Hannah was the guest, telling her personal LGBT story, it just clicked how disgustingly wrong I was. When was the last time you went to a bar? I’ve never been to one. Why did you last see the doctor? I’m going to assume you mean a doctor for physical reasons, in which case I went in to talk about if I qualified for a sleep study regarding my nightmares, only to be told that because my actual doctor was absent, she could do nothing. Sooo Mom and I walked in pretty much just to pay someone to say “wait.” How do you spend the majority of your free time? Something on the computer, I’m sure. Lately, what I’ve been doing most is playing WoW while watching/listening to something. List the cards in your wallet. I don’t care enough to look. Not a lot. What was the last thing to inspire you? Ummm idk. How has COVID affected you? It really hasn’t, other than giving me anxiety regarding my mom as she is in the “of most concern” demographic, if you will. We don’t know if her cancer is gone yet due to the whole emergency trip to NY. But yeah, I personally leave the house like… never, so my daily life hasn’t really had any deviations. What is a comfort show of yours? Hm. I share enough that I’m not a TV person, so I don’t really seek out a show when I need comfort. But I guess if I was sitting there with the remote and I was really down, I’d be happy to find That ‘70s Show. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? As I believe *some* sort of greater intelligence is responsible for the universe, I like to think so. But if not, make your own reason. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? I’ve been home alone for over a month now and am somehow doing okay, taking care of the house and myself. Animal Crossing , yay or nay? I’ve never played it. Not of my interest in games. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? “Breaks” are bullshit. You’re either together or you’re not.

[whitequeenasitbgan]

The House of Smoke and Fog Cap 10

May, 1917

Erin was walking around the garden early in the morning: she had lost weight, she was as pale as a corpse and her appetite was gone. She vomited every time she tried to content her mother and eat. She was nauseated by herself: she couldn’t even bear to look at herself in the mirror. He was dead. He probably died not knowing how sorry she was for not saying goodbye to him: he never answered her letter, after all; how could she be sure he knew. Not knowing how he had died was a torture. Did he suffer? Was he scared? Did he lay in the mud alone for hours before it all ended? She knew nothing. If only he could have relied on her, in his last moments. Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference, he would have suffered just the same, but she felt like she failed him. Every human beings need to know they were loved when their life is about to end. He needed to know that he was loved. He needed her. But she wasn’t there. 

She heard a horse galloping down the alley. When she turned, she noticed the horses were two and on one of them she recognised Joe. He greeted Mr Evans, they exchanged a few words, a pat on the shoulder. Then Joe came towards her. -Would you like a ride? -I’m not in the mood, Joe… but I’m happy to see you home, safe. -Tom wouldn’t be happy to know I’ve left to go back to France without talking to you. Tom. Everything reminded her of him. Erin exhaled loudly -I hate all this- she said as she took the reins from Joe. -Erin! you’re not in the right attire for riding! Your knees will be showing!- Her mother screamed. She didn’t care. Female propriety couldn’t have bothered her less. -Don’t worry, Mrs Evans. I’ll make sure no one will see her - Joe said, as he galloped to reach Erin.

They rode silently through the woods. Erin stopped at the clearing where Tom used to teach her how to ride. Joe left the horses browsing on, then sat by her side, against Tom’s favourite tree. -She used to sit hear and scream at me ‘look forward! Heels down!’ all the time- she said, breaking the silence -He taught you well - silence. An awkward silence. Tom used to fill it with a joke. -My mom said you might have wanted to know… more. -About? -How he died Erin turned at Joe, astonished -You know? How? -I wasn’t with him, but I met a soldier. Name is Schofield. He was with him. -What happened, then? He told her everything. About the mission, the Letter, Erinmore, a guy named Leslie who warned them, the German trenches, the dugout, the rat, how Tom saved his mate as the earth was about to bury them, about the cherries.. and finally about the farm. -He had to help him. Bastard Boche- Joe said. He was crying. His voice was calm as usual, his breaths were regular, but tears were falling down his eyes. He cried like Anne. -So that’s where he left him? at this farm, near Ecouste? -Yes… I imagine they took care of him, but we don’t know if we will ever get the chance to.. well, bury the body. -I understand. Did he suffer? -I don’t think so -You’re like Anne… -Anne who? -My best friend, Anne Shirley -Last time I saw her was ages ago -She’s changed a lot since then. We all are. But she never learned how to lie. Neither you did. -My mom doesn’t know. I think my dad does, but she couldn’t bear it. -I can. I want to. He was stabbed, Joe. I know what that means. He bled to death. -Not for long. -Not quickly enough, though. -And there’s more- Joe said. He was embarrassed. Visibly. -What else? -Schofield said he had just received mail, before he left. One from mom right before Erinmore summoned them. And one from you, the night before. Spent all night talking about it with Schofield. He had so many things to tell you… I know this is a bit private and that Tom would have said all this way better than me… Anyway the point is: he felt like there was nothing to forgive, it was all his fault… -it wasn’t. We were two fools. No, two morons, definitely morons Joe laughed, struggling to keep going -he wanted to tell you the he was sorry about what happened cause it made you skip a year in college and he encouraged you to go ahead, follow you dream, cause the last thing he wanted was to stop you from doing what you wanted with your life. He said he was looking forward to meeting you. And that he loved you. He always had and he always would have. Erin was relieved, but not as she expected to be by the news. She had dreamed of it: she had dreamed to receive an answer to her letter, sooner or later, in which he said those things. She even dreamed he was still alive once and that she still had a chance to be with him one more time. But now that she knew that yes, he had forgiven her and that he still loved her, knowing for sure that he was dead made it all even more cruel. They remained silent, for a while. -What are you going to do, now?- Joe asked. -King’s Scholarship Examinations, I suppose. Then, if successful, I’ll attend training college for two years. -Sounds great…Have you thought where? -Westminster Training College -London? Your parents? -They don’t like the idea of me going to London alone. But knowing I’ll be with Anne has finally convinced them to let me go. They would have had to face Anne’s fury if they didn’t. -This is… Men are so privileged I’m disgusted by my own gender -A feminist, ladies and gentlemen! -And I also support the suffragettes. Every man should. How could a non represented woman give birth to a free mind -Don’t ever get involved with politics -Why I’m not good at it? -No, you’re great at it. People like you usually get killed. You could start a revolution. -I’ll just help you with yours, as much as I can- Joe said, turning to look at Erin. She looked thoughtful -what is it? -Nothing -Erin… -Ok… It’s just that my world has turned upside down: I.. I was meant to be married by now. Tom should have been with me, in London. I don’t feel as invincible as I felt before. I know it sounds pathetic, but I just miss Tom and how he made me feel safe and powerful. -It’s not pathetic -It is -Erin said. She wasn’t comfortable with her weaknesses. She tried to cheer up the conversation -Not to mention that it would have been much better if my parents knew Tom was always with me there to ‘guard me’ Joe started laughing. It was a genuine belly laugh -Tom?! He needed surveillance himself! God knows how many times I had to take him home dead drunk from the pub. Mum never found out. -You were very discrete…- Erin said, closing her eyes to catch a glimpse of sun, before he got back playing hide and sick with the clouds -Thanks for this, Joe -You’re like a sister to me, you know that. Anything you’ll ever need, I’ll be there. I mean this. I owe this to Tom. -Just be careful, that’s all I need - Erin said. Placing a hand on Joe’s shoulder and gently squeezing it. He felt nothing like his brother. He was way more muscular and rough than Tom. Had they been dogs, Joe would have been a majestic and elegant Great Dane. Tom wasn’t a pure breed, he had the energy of a Dalmatian and the hard working attitude of a Shepard. He was good looking but not in a rough way: he was sweet. He looked at you like a stray dog, as if he was asking ‘can I believe in you or will you just let me down?’. He he did look at you as if he deeply believed in you. He really did. -Time to go home - Erin said. -Sure I can’t do anything else for you?- -You know what? Actually there is something You could do for us -Us who? -Anne and me. You could take us to London on your way to France.

‘This is it’ Erin thought as the train was running towards London, leaving the countryside behind ‘this is the future’. Anne was right in front of her, talking to Joe. And Joe looked bewitched by her. What a fool: he wondered around London for so long until he ended up in the trenches that he missed to notice there was an extraordinary young woman right under his nose. She was a girl when he left, no corset, no hair… and he was Tom’s big brother, of course he didn’t notice. How much time did they lose. They all did. Erin smiled, contemplating happiness, then she turned at the window again. It was open, so she got closer to it and lifted her head to catch the breeze. The sun was warmly kissing her. ‘This is the future, Tom. You are in everything. And all that I’ll do will be for you’.

Cap 11

https://whitequeenasitbgan.tumblr.com/post/613333193352953856/the-house-of-smoke-and-fog-cap-11 

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )